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Qweyuio | Around two years ago, my best friend died by suicide. I won’t go into details but I was sufficiently exposed to the event to develop PTSD.
I’m really struggling. My level of difficulty with mental illness and grief kind of surges and ebbs over time, but I find it keeps coming back.
I find the impacts at work are the hardest. I’ve been open with my boss from the beginning about what happened but he honestly has a kind of “that was years ago, get over it” kind of mentality that I really have no recourse against.
I’m not sure I’m doing poorly enough to qualify for a sick leave - but I’m scared if I don’t make adjustments and get more intensive treatment, I’m going to end up on short or long term disability.
I’ve relived this horrible event thousands of times and I’m just fucking sick of it. Mental health services are so hard to access and just because I’m not visibly a wreck, people assume I am or should be fine.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for from this sub, I just feel lost. | 2019-08-30T13:49:10.000Z | cxh71d | 6 | 5 | ptsd | I don’t know how to move forward (TW - Traumatic loss of best friend) | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxh71d/i_dont_know_how_to_move_forward_tw_traumatic_loss/ |
problemaccount02100 | I just had my first EMDR session today and it was a very powerful experience. I left the appointment feeling dazed, but slightly lighter than before. I wasn’t feeling stressed at all, which was very surprising considering how emotional the process had been. My worst reactions were just a headache and needing a nap. Hours later, however, I can’t sleep and I’m having very strong flashbacks. Just thinking about someone being physically close to me makes me break into tears. Is this normal in the beginning of EMDR? Is there anything I can do to make this a less shitty experience? I had felt so hopeful directly after the session, but now I’m having doubts. | 2019-08-30T09:51:30.000Z | cxeq67 | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Is it normal to feel bad after an EMDR session? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxeq67/is_it_normal_to_feel_bad_after_an_emdr_session/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-30T07:05:10.000Z | cxdevm | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I don't know how to be excited for this, but I am. | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxdevm/i_dont_know_how_to_be_excited_for_this_but_i_am/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-30T05:31:41.000Z | cxcmhb | 3 | 2 | ptsd | It gets harder everyday to stay alive. I wish I could get human euthanasia and be done with it. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxcmhb/it_gets_harder_everyday_to_stay_alive_i_wish_i/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-30T05:16:11.000Z | cxche8 | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Drowning out the flashbacks & memories with music.. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxche8/drowning_out_the_flashbacks_memories_with_music/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-30T04:48:57.000Z | cxc8b2 | 51 | 171 | ptsd | Does your PTSD or C-PTSD cause you to have Agoraphobia? I seem to be acquiring Agoraphobia in avoiding triggers? I’m not sure. Thoughts. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxc8b2/does_your_ptsd_or_cptsd_cause_you_to_have/ |
sneekleek | I’m a 22 yr old male. Severely depressed, I deal with high level anxiety, dissociative, and just unstable. I come from a broken home so I got pretty acquainted with drugs, abuse, etc VERY quickly. after I turned 7 I’m not sure what happened but life was never the same after that. I even until this day replay EVERY memory good/bad and after 3 mins of it back to back I freak out, panic, then get EXTREMELY nauseous and I start to breakdown emotionally & I have to flee the scene immediately to go recoup. I currently don’t take any meds because I don’t have insurance at the moment and I can’t afford them. | 2019-08-30T04:18:33.000Z | cxbxto | 6 | 0 | ptsd | Do I have ptsd | 0.25 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxbxto/do_i_have_ptsd/ |
MintyMint123 | I’m so scared. I’ve been in a 3 day long hell flashback that hasn’t quit.
I had one that lasted February to April and I’m genuinely scared it’s going to turn into that where I shut down for a month and a half.
I need to see a doctor again but I’m pushing it off like a dipshit. Ugh. Is there anything over the counter that I can take to chill this. Please. I’m just going to deal with alcohol and I can’t do that to myself. I’m scared. I know it’s not real but crap. I need to get it under control before I can get myself help you know? I feel lost. Like I’m not even real. | 2019-08-30T04:09:50.000Z | cxbuqe | 3 | 4 | ptsd | I don’t feel like a person right now. | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxbuqe/i_dont_feel_like_a_person_right_now/ |
dddulcie | null | 2019-08-30T03:54:11.000Z | cxbp2g | 13 | 16 | ptsd | Is morning anxiety common in PTSD. I don’t know if I dream, I can’t remember any of them if I do. But every morning I wake up in a panic and/or emotional flashback, dissociated. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxbp2g/is_morning_anxiety_common_in_ptsd_i_dont_know_if/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-30T02:15:07.000Z | cxanpp | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Inadequate | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cxanpp/inadequate/ |
iambabyhands | Hi All! I’ve found you all to be a great community with great support and advice and I wanted to ask for your input on how you would handle a situation. There’s a couple factors at play here so please bear with me. I know r/relationships may be better suited but this directly regards my PTSD.
I’ve been with my bf for the last 4.5 years. I was diagnosed with PTSD in that time from several previous traumatic events. I’ve made a lot of progress in how I cope with it, and have been doing EMDR and been in weekly or bi-weekly therapy for years. My bf has also been an incredible support but last night we got into a heated argument.
I’ll try to be concise but please bear with me, as there are many factors at play here.
Essentially, in therapy this week I talked about how for some reason I’ve been exceptionally hypervigilent and easily startled the last couple weeks. I’m currently going through a time when my anxiety is generally higher, but little things, like doors closing, the cats knocking over a flower pot, the yelling on the street at night (I live in a not so great neighborhood) have been really keeping me on edge if not sending me into a panic attack. One of the things that really freaks me out, is my boyfriend showing up from work, unannounced. He works late, gets in anywhere between 1-2am, sometimes later, not usually a consistent time, (service industry so he gets out whenever the works done) but generally he calls when he’s leaving work to let me know he’s on the way. This has helped me greatly, as when I’m in the bedroom, head directly next to the loud-ass air conditioner, him suddenly appearing in the doorway absolutely terrifies me. Even the faint sound of the door being unlocked if I manage to hear it makes me jumpy and freaked out for the rest of the night.
As I talked this over with my therapist, she recommended I talk to him about it, to minimize the 10% of times he doesn’t call and just shows up, while I continue to work on why I’m getting triggered so easily lately, and work on getting past it.
Unfortunately our talk last night did not go well. Within our relationship we’ve had some bumps. One of which being when I broke his trust, and called an ex two years ago (someone who actually got me the initial PTSD diagnosis.) There were other things that happened within the relationship that caused him not to trust me, but I never cheated, and even if I withheld the truth, I always told him the truth in full eventually. I recognize these were not healthy things to do, and they did damage to our relationship, but they happened 2 years ago if not longer, and I’ve done everything I can to earn that trust back. He has refused to go to therapy.
Unfortunately, he deals with a fair bit of paranoia since these events transpired. At one point things reached an extremely toxic level and my boundaries were seriously being crossed. Slowly but steadily however, things healed up-or so I thought, and we were doing a lot better. I wasn’t constantly being questioned or having my phone examined, and I felt like we’d made it out of the toxic part of our relationship.
The problem is when I talked to him last night about how bad it’s been for me lately, I brought up that it really helps me when he calls me before he leaves work, so I have a window of time to expect him home in. Not only do I feel safer knowing that within 15 minutes he’ll be walking through the door, I also feel better knowing he’ll be coming home, as there have been several occasions when he’s told me he’s on his way home, and never showed up because he went to the bar instead and made some bad decisions. (That’s a whole other problem that we’re trying to work through. It hasn’t happened in a month or two, but it is a huge contributing factor to my anxiety. I feel comforted knowing he tells me he’s coming home.) I asked that he keep calling me though, that it really helps me and that if we can mitigate the 10% of times he just shows up and walks through the door, that would seriously help me too. It happened twice this week that he just showed up, and both times I was seriously on edge the rest of the night, jittery, twitchy, panicky, the whole 9.
I guess my plan backfired though and he’s still dealing with a fair bit of paranoia. He expressed that it wasn’t normal for him to have to call me before he left work and let me know when he’d be home, and that he actually likes to creep in unexpectedly 10% of the time to appease his paranoia; that I may have someone over and be cheating on him, or doing something I’m not supposed to do that would break his trust.
It was kind of shocking to realize that 2 years later he’s clearly still very hurt by my actions, still mistrustful, and willing to prioritize his paranoia over my request at battling my PTSD.
I guess this is where I need advice. Am I asking too much of him? Is it really unfair that I want a heads up when he’ll be home if it genuinely helps me not jump out of my skin and be on edge the rest of the night? I understand and can empathize with how hurt he still is, but in my opinion the paranoia he’s dealing with is incredibly toxic and is his problem to work out in therapy, the same way I am working out my issues. Of course ideally he could just come home from work, walk in the door, and I wouldn’t be spooked, but right now, the past couple weeks that’s been impossible for me. I don’t know if I’m actually out of line asking for him to help mitigate my stress or if I’m genuinely entitled to a partner that will put aside their fears for mine. Are my fears more valid than his?
We left off poorly. He essentially said he won’t be calling at all anymore when he leaves work to give me a heads up, and instead will text me when he’s outside the door, right before he comes in. I’m assuming so that he can still “catch me in the act” if I’m doing anything shady.
I’m just really bummed that it’s come to this. I know my relationship is heavily codependent and there are still some toxic traits to it but I’ve worked so hard these past 4.5 years to try and better us, and really come out of our past.
Maybe there’s a compromise I’m not seeing here? I really don’t want to even dream of ending the relationship, I just want to get through to him how important this is for me right now. It’s been a very bad year for me mental heath wise and I’m finally pulling myself up and out of this devastating pit I’ve been in. He’s been great at holding down the fort and supporting me for the last 10 months but this seems just so shitty. To go from appeasing my PTSD 90% of the time, now to 0%? Was I wrong to ask for a heads up 100% of the time?
Any and all advice is welcome. Apologies for length. I always try to make things concise but it never works out that way.
TL;DR My PTSD has been flaring up badly lately. Asked bf to help me by continuing to call me before he gets home so I have a window of time when I know to expect him, but he says this is not fair because he is paranoid I’m doing things behind his back. He’s justified in having the paranoia but it’s 2 years later from what caused it, and he’s sought no professional help for dealing with it. He’s decided he’s going to stop letting me know all together when he’ll be home and just text me when he’s outside the door. Am I being selfish in asking for him to help me through my fears and put his on the back-burner? Is there a compromise I’m missing here?
Thanks y’all. | 2019-08-29T23:44:03.000Z | cx8yda | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I know this may be a post better suited for r/relationships but I wanted to try my luck here in asking for advice | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx8yda/i_know_this_may_be_a_post_better_suited_for/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-29T21:33:50.000Z | cx7aks | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Dad with ptsd | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx7aks/dad_with_ptsd/ |
Qweyuio | About 2 1/2 years ago I had a traumatic loss of three close friends and I’ve done counselling, I’ve done medication, I’ve done meditation.
The good news is I am much better than two years ago, but this past week it’s all come roaring back after about 6 months of relatively smooth sailing.
But now my work is suffering, my relationships are suffering, my triggers give a heightened response again, my sleep is terrible...
I just feel like I’m on the edge of burning out and all I want is to be clear-headed and well again. I want my mind back, and if it can’t be the way it was, I at least want to function the way I used to.
I dunno what I’m asking for - anyone with positive stories of recovery, progress, or general encouragement would be appreciated.
TL;DR
I’m frustrated my PTSD is flaring up again after a 6 month calm period; any good news stories/encouragement/perspectives would be welcome.
Edit: I hate to whine, but damn no responses :’( | 2019-08-29T21:33:35.000Z | cx7afz | 0 | 3 | ptsd | PTSD keeps crashing back into my life - I just want this to stop | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx7afz/ptsd_keeps_crashing_back_into_my_life_i_just_want/ |
Mock-devil | I’ve seen some shit. These are visions I’ve had with my eyes closed
Like bouncing half cut off bodies bouncing on spiked dildos, talking heads on poles, bodies rotating on poles, a person with a grinder on his back puking in a bathtub, he also sucked an egg up his head and even chopped up bodies still alive screaming in agony.
It might of been hell. I have visions all the time but this shit is ridiculous and has me like shreaking in horror when I think about them. This, or it’s gods workshop I’ve heard about
It’s gotten better but damn man | 2019-08-29T21:11:28.000Z | cx6zq1 | 7 | 5 | ptsd | Anyone have visions? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx6zq1/anyone_have_visions/ |
dddulcie | I’m new to the flashbacks, new to the diagnosis too. I had an intense emotional flashback at work today and it was horrible. I managed to calm myself down and get out of it, but I’m left feeling foggy, exhausted, numb, dissociated. Is this common, or what does it feel like for you? | 2019-08-29T21:03:45.000Z | cx6vwh | 4 | 2 | ptsd | What do you feel like after a flashback? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx6vwh/what_do_you_feel_like_after_a_flashback/ |
dddulcie | I know r/adultchildren is a good place to go, but I was hoping there’s a bigger sub or community. | 2019-08-29T20:50:56.000Z | cx6pii | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Is there a subreddit or community anywhere specifically for those who have PTSD specifically from childhood trauma, or who had a mentally ill and/or addict parent? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx6pii/is_there_a_subreddit_or_community_anywhere/ |
dddulcie | New to flashbacks and my CPTSD diagnosis. I had a scary “emotional” flashback at work today, crying, fight or flight, all of that. I managed to calm myself down and get out of it. Now, I just feel foggy, numb, exhausted, super dissociated. I’m too out of it to even think about the trauma.
Just wondering what you feel like after your flashbacks. | 2019-08-29T20:29:49.000Z | cx6ff9 | 0 | 5 | ptsd | Anyone else find that they’re numb, dissociated, and just defeated after a flashback? If not, what are you like after your flashbacks? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx6ff9/anyone_else_find_that_theyre_numb_dissociated_and/ |
ol_razzle_dazzle_ | So I don’t know if anyone else has PTSD from something similar but I’m not sure if I’m valid for why I have PTSD. The person I was dating (at the time) tried to commit suicide right in front of me, is that a valid reason to have PTSD? Idk I don’t know if anyone else is the same and I’m just not sure if I escalated it in my head or not. My ex (who it involved) told me that I shouldn’t have PTSD from it, but I constantly get these Nightmares and flashbacks. Is this a valid reason to have PTSD or did I really throw it out of proportion and is it really all in my head? | 2019-08-29T20:14:05.000Z | cx67yj | 4 | 4 | ptsd | Am I valid? (Trigger warning) | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx67yj/am_i_valid_trigger_warning/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-29T19:11:31.000Z | cx5drb | 2 | 2 | ptsd | New here: Afraid to go back to school and run into someone who hurt me TW: Discusses abuse & sexual assaults | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx5drb/new_here_afraid_to_go_back_to_school_and_run_into/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-29T15:29:54.000Z | cx2gi8 | 23 | 25 | ptsd | Everyone. Just a reminder. | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx2gi8/everyone_just_a_reminder/ |
MrWhiteWasLate | Im have problems when im awake as well as when im asleep but recently I accidentally harmed my partner and im looking for advice. Im overly jumpy and my reaction is to swing in the direction of what startled me.
This includes my partner trying to touch me when im sleeping next to her. Ive tried medication and im recieving treatment. But i would likely to hear if anyone has any advice.
Currently I dont feel safe sleeping the the same bed as her. | 2019-08-29T12:32:23.000Z | cx09m3 | 3 | 7 | ptsd | How do I reduce Panic and violent reactions while sleeping? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cx09m3/how_do_i_reduce_panic_and_violent_reactions_while/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-29T08:02:42.000Z | cwxtrk | 10 | 63 | ptsd | I know I'm going to get judged, but... Tw | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwxtrk/i_know_im_going_to_get_judged_but_tw/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-29T05:59:41.000Z | cwwt47 | 1 | 0 | ptsd | I need to overcome my sexual repression due to my religion and rape. | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwwt47/i_need_to_overcome_my_sexual_repression_due_to_my/ |
W1ndchill1836 | Anyone else have a hard time dealing with certain temps? For me, the time of my life that fucked with me was very cold, and I was outside most of the time. Indoors weren't much better, I could see my breath in my bedroom and there was pretty much no way to heat it the room up. I'm moving to a place where winter's gonna be inevitable, and I haven't had to deal with a *real* one for a full 12 months.
Any one else feel like this? Any tips from people more experienced than me? | 2019-08-29T05:13:05.000Z | cwwei8 | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Upcoming triggers | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwwei8/upcoming_triggers/ |
mighty_mopar-06 | Could someone please point me in the right direction for a crash survivors PTSD/ depression subreddit | 2019-08-29T04:31:08.000Z | cww0qa | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cww0qa/help/ |
MoonBoobies420 | I started prolonged exposure in therapy on Monday. Since then I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts, major depressive episodes, and bursts of aggression/anger. I've been under some stress and have been encountering sime triggers to other unrelated traumas and I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. I just want to give up. Any advice or words of encouragement? I'm pretty desperate for support. | 2019-08-29T04:21:44.000Z | cwvxlf | 6 | 2 | ptsd | Prolonged exposure | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwvxlf/prolonged_exposure/ |
dddulcie | New here. I’m 27 and I guess the trauma finally just manifested now as flashbacks, as well as just my mind wandering to a specific memory. You’ll probably see me post quite a bit, maybe some stupid questions, but I’m trying to understand this, and myself.
My trauma mostly stems from experiences growing up with an alcoholic, addict, bi-polar mother, and a dad who just downplayed it, ignored it ever happening. There was emotional and verbal abuse, a lot of manipulation, and her trying to convince me that I was the “sick” one. Mostly, I was just put into really unsafe and terrifying situations when I was in her care.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I started to flashback and/or feel how much I was and am hurting. But there’s that part of me still that just wants to punch myself in the face. I feel like I’m remembering for attention. I don’t know how to explain it, I’m just so, so furious and disgusted with myself.
I guess I just feel like I’m crazy, making it all up, making a big deal out of it, looking for excuses or reasons for not living up to my potential, etc. I can’t seem to convince myself of the fact that I have valid and significant trauma. Like it was hard to even type that.
Maybe it just takes a while to accept the past and it’s effect on current-me.
Just, is it common to be mad at yourself? | 2019-08-29T04:03:05.000Z | cwvr47 | 4 | 15 | ptsd | Does anyone else just find themselves being furious with themselves, not so much at their abuser or the situation itself? (Childhood Trauma) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwvr47/does_anyone_else_just_find_themselves_being/ |
Seeeeu | Cry like a kitty
I know, I know ha ha ha, not funny, but stay with me on this. Go to a safe place with decreased sensory input.
1. Meow like a kitty, softly in your whisper voice.
2. Now meow like a cat, in your normal voice
(Might take a few tries to get your actual voice depending on your level of panic)
3. Next Meow as loud as you can.
(Let me see that smile. After this I can think a little clearer, collect my thoughts and emotions, so I can be understood.)
4. Lastly, Roar like a wild cat!
(Did you get your voice back?)
No matter how many times I’ve seen this done, no matter the person, it always changes a negative outlook.
You can use any animal you want but I love the soft kitten voice. It usually gets a lot of smiles.
Humans having panic attacks usually laugh at their adorable kitten voice. This seems to open the portal to escape fear. Simple laughter! I can usually talk in my normal voice, get any direct needs met. But it’s not over yet. Just any trigger can put you back into what you just overcame.
I have to roar to unlock empowerment, ultimately controlling my panic.
Defeating fear one Meow at a time! | 2019-08-29T03:51:20.000Z | cwvmul | 2 | 11 | ptsd | Grounding technique (Kitty Cries) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwvmul/grounding_technique_kitty_cries/ |
appilappi | null | 2019-08-29T02:59:38.000Z | cwv3mc | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Anyone have a cold feeling in their head as they breathe in, or try not to feel too deeply (and have it all wash over) have had ptsd for a while now I do make sure I exercise and all that good stuff but worried the anxiety has gotten a lot deeper & may be doing damage to the brain too at this point… | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwv3mc/anyone_have_a_cold_feeling_in_their_head_as_they/ |
XxImperatorxX | I'm new to this, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I'm not going to post anything about my trauma or PCL score. My therapist has warned me against doing that, since it can make some people feel excluded. Literally, the day I was disgnosed, it "triggered" me. Side note - I've decided that I really fucking HATE that word. Every idiot on Twitter uses that word to describe any event that makes them angry or upset. Anyway, I've apparently had this developing since childhood, and I've done considerable damage trying to ignore it. To the point of self-delusion. For approximately 30 years, I pretended this isn't real, it's just in my head, insert one of 100 other excuses here. And now I just feel absolutely ashamed of myself. I've had friends come back from overseas with PTSD. I've seen what this can really do. So I don't think I have any right to claim that I have it, too. I feel like I'm a drag on this entire community with some comparatively piddling trauma. And that makes me angry. That's always been my cycle, panic/pain/shame/sorrow, then anger. If I'm honest, those are the only real emotions I've felt (outside of my family) in longer than I can remember. I can feign happy all day, I can play calm. But I don't feel those things. Not really. I've cut myself off from just about everyone that I can because I think that anyone I meet is inherently disingenuous and can't be trusted. In other words - every person is not to be trusted, and my only objective is to get away from them before they can cheat me out of something, usually my dignity. I figured out early on that lying is a very easy way to keep people disconnected from me. But sometimes, I can't even remember what the truth is. I've adapted the lie so much sometimes that I believe it's true. Especially about embarrassing or uncomfortable situations. My girlfriend, who gave birth to our beautiful son, I sometimes question her fidelity and love. Even though she's the most trustworthy person I have ever met. Don't get me wrong, my family is the only place I truly feel happy, but there's always this sense of distrust lurking. She has PTSD as well, and is nothing but patient with me. She knows that I want to spend my life with her, she says she feels the same. But I need to figure this out before we go there. We saved each other from the throes of opiate addiction, but I'm the one that's dodged therapy for years now. I've finally decided that I want to figure this out, but I, of course, don't trust that it will work. I get memory/thought flashes that I can't control, leaving me feeling betrayed by my own brain. Some thoughts are entirely my own and completely unfounded, almost like I'm trying to imagine what could go wrong, but then it just cascades. Sometimes, I can't tell my thoughts from my memories, and everything just winds up feeling real, and I can't stop it until I've physically injured myself just to get out of my own head. Then it's pure rage for a while, and finally, this peaceful numbness to all emotions. Completely shut down. By the end of this cycle, I go back to my normal, semi-balanced, mostly controlled existence of not trusting anyone. So that's more or less my story, I don't know why I posted this. I guess there's some comfort for me in anonymity and I can actually say what's on my mind with minimal fear of someone using it against me in me or my family.
So,
"Hi" I guess. | 2019-08-28T23:29:50.000Z | cwspju | 14 | 25 | ptsd | Recently diagnosed and ashamed | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwspju/recently_diagnosed_and_ashamed/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T21:52:07.000Z | cwrh2e | 2 | 5 | ptsd | Do I even have PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwrh2e/do_i_even_have_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T19:46:40.000Z | cwpsig | 1 | 4 | ptsd | I should have been a damn sociopath | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwpsig/i_should_have_been_a_damn_sociopath/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T19:34:26.000Z | cwpmm8 | 2 | 2 | ptsd | With abusive parents, have you made them aware that you have flashbacks, trauma, a CPTSD diagnosis, etc? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwpmm8/with_abusive_parents_have_you_made_them_aware/ |
LonelyAssignment | I've been having a nervous breakdown for a few years now.Alongside complex ptsd,self harm,addiction issues,and awful anxiety and [depression.Im](https://depression.im/) also chronically ill physically,and can no longer [work.So](https://work.so/) im stuck at home mostly.The isolation and cptsd is literally driving me mad!I feel like a fucking LOSER as nobody wants me and im mostly alone.I manage to get out the house 4 or 5 times a week,if my agoraphobia lets me.I am also very [claustrophobic.Im](https://claustrophobic.im/) looking for a bungalow in warwick or leamington spa.But council bungalows are hard to find.And i cannot afford private [rented.Plus](https://rented.plus/) because my landlord thinks im not keeping her house tidy enough,she has threatened to give me a bad reference,like she did back in may as i found a bungalow i was going to move [into.So](https://into.so/) i lost that propert because of [her.My](https://her.my/) cptsd gets badly triggered by my neighbours one side,as they have harrassed me for over a year now.And ive had to involve the community police several times.I feel really depressed,anxious and unsafe [here.As](https://here.as/) well as getting a lot of suicidal thoughts.I don't have the means to kill myself right now but i wish i did.Although a very small part of me doesn't want me to die.I really have had ENOUGH.Anyone else identify?ive tried literaally EVERY coping strategy to help me,and nothing [works.Im](https://works.im/) going to therapy twice a week,which is keeping me alive. | 2019-08-28T18:18:38.000Z | cwomh1 | 6 | 8 | ptsd | c-ptsd destroying me. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwomh1/cptsd_destroying_me/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T17:44:14.000Z | cwo5uw | 5 | 2 | ptsd | I feel like a fake and my family triggers me (TW: Animal Violence, no details) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwo5uw/i_feel_like_a_fake_and_my_family_triggers_me_tw/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T16:39:20.000Z | cwnahn | 1 | 3 | ptsd | How to find a therapist? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwnahn/how_to_find_a_therapist/ |
dddulcie | I’ve been having flashlights to my childhood and the things my bipolar, addict mother did. I feel so angry, and just want to break sh*t, but I can’t, and I don’t know how to get this anger out in a healthy way. | 2019-08-28T15:07:26.000Z | cwm2my | 11 | 2 | ptsd | Healthy ways to get the anger out? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwm2my/healthy_ways_to_get_the_anger_out/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T13:59:44.000Z | cwl77b | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Flashbacks and disassociation? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwl77b/flashbacks_and_disassociation/ |
Red7336 | [My Buddy](https://www.reddit.com/r/MyBuddy/) is where you find a buddy who checks in on you. No pressure, no need to form a deep friendship, just a simple message every now and then to make sure you're doing okay
Edit: Ayyyyyyy Silver!! Thank you guys!
I'm really happy this is growing, hopefully it'll help those who need it most and the world will grow just a bit less cold ❤
More good news: someone else told me they have that system irl in their country!! Who knows this organised buddy system could be a norm in the future! | 2019-08-28T13:25:20.000Z | cwksci | 24 | 217 | ptsd | I made a sub for people looking for someone to check in on them every once in a while :) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwksci/i_made_a_sub_for_people_looking_for_someone_to/ |
HelpICantCope | Does anyone have any advice on bringing yourself round after reliving trauma in therapy?
I’m really struggling immediately after my sessions - I’ve spent a long time avoiding thinking about my trauma, and I’m finding the aftermath of trudging it all up difficult.
I’ve only had a few sessions so far and am feeling better overall, but I’m a complete write off the day of each one (crying, panicked, can’t stop thinking about it, followed by periods of numbness and inability to pay attention). I’ve talked to my therapist about this and I’m guessing this will get easier with time, but does anyone have any advice to help me through for now? | 2019-08-28T13:22:06.000Z | cwkqwv | 3 | 1 | ptsd | Advice for after TCBT therapy | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwkqwv/advice_for_after_tcbt_therapy/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T04:47:19.000Z | cwg1li | 1 | 0 | ptsd | My abuser just called me useless and worthless and I'm just going to cope by self-harming. | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwg1li/my_abuser_just_called_me_useless_and_worthless/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T04:04:31.000Z | cwfmnn | 7 | 5 | ptsd | Anxiety while on this sub. | 0.74 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwfmnn/anxiety_while_on_this_sub/ |
[deleted] | *No matter
I got out of a long distance very very abusive relationship with someone who I suspect is a narcissist. I always labeled myself to be in the asexual spectrum because I honestly don't have a lot of sexual attraction. My ex conditioned me to be a sexual object he demanded nudes any time anywhere, said he needed me to be ready at all times and made comments such as "it's mine and I'll take it when i want it". When he discarded me I went into shock which gave me a psychotic episode (I'm bipolar) not sure if you've heard about this but these people literally throw people away with no warning or closure once they're not good for them anymore it was very traumatizing. I began to hallucinate things and was in a very very bad state of mind. After a while of me spamming him and trying to get him to talk to me all he replied was "Would you do anything to get me to stay with you?" followed by a "make me feel good then" he told me he wanted me to be his sex object and he coerced me into doing things he knew I wasn't comfortable with by telling me that he'll give me another chance. I wasn't in the right state to consent I just wanted the pain to stop. He ended up throwing me away anyways. I felt so gross and dirty. I ended up trying to take my life because of how used I felt. When I got out I confronted about it and he slut shamed me and said I asked for it.
A few weeks later he manipulated me into giving him another chance and I was very traumtized and hypersexual and he took advantage of that. Things got worse and he abused me more until I finally found out that he was cheating on me all year. I have come to terms with the fact that it wasn't my fault and he's just a horrible person. But no matter what I do I still feel like a slut, like an object like someone who is only meant to please. I have not been coping with this good at all I have self harmed my breasts and I cry every time I look at my body. I'm currently doing EMDR with my therapist but I just want to stop feeling like trash all the time. | 2019-08-28T02:12:29.000Z | cwef98 | 1 | 5 | ptsd | No wonder what I do I still feel like I'm drowing TW sexual abuse (?) | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwef98/no_wonder_what_i_do_i_still_feel_like_im_drowing/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T01:56:42.000Z | cwe8fu | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Can a breakup cause trauma? | 0.71 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwe8fu/can_a_breakup_cause_trauma/ |
arcticfox_12 | I'm looking for something "nice" enough to wear to work where the dress code is business casual and/or to school?
Something that can make me feel safe and secure like a giant sweatshirt or blanket?
Ideas? TIA. | 2019-08-28T01:22:32.000Z | cwdtes | 8 | 3 | ptsd | Clothing ideas that makes you feel secure-like wrapping yourself in a blanket-that you can wear to work or school? | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwdtes/clothing_ideas_that_makes_you_feel_securelike/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-28T00:33:06.000Z | cwd89s | 11 | 76 | ptsd | Huge car wreck, I have no money, can’t stop replaying the incident in my head and crying about how much I am burdening myself and my parents | 0.96 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwd89s/huge_car_wreck_i_have_no_money_cant_stop/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T22:28:16.000Z | cwbp0k | 3 | 12 | ptsd | Not sure how to help when he is like this (Support Advice) | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwbp0k/not_sure_how_to_help_when_he_is_like_this_support/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T22:25:45.000Z | cwbnv8 | 3 | 7 | ptsd | How do you deal with rage? | 0.89 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwbnv8/how_do_you_deal_with_rage/ |
aquarae | TW: miscarriage
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2017 due to an abusive relationship that ended in 2015. Despite an occasional depressive episode, I was mostly "rehabilitated," that is, my PTSD symptoms were gone but generalized anxiety remained. In June, I found out I was pregnant. My current partner and I were so excited, even though the prospect of becoming a parent gave me a lot of anxiety (the hormones didn't help).
Unfortunately, my pregnancy ended in miscarriage in July. Now, PTSD is back in full force. I am having panic attacks for the first time since 2017. I can't sleep. I cry every single day. I have meltdowns about small things. I have to force myself to shower and go to work and eat. I think I'm about to get my first period since having the miscarriage, the cramping is causing flashbacks which send me spiraling. I never liked to drink but I find myself looking for wine everywhere. I purposefully dissociate so I don't have to deal with real life. I owe hundreds of dollars in medical bills due to my miscarriage and I can't afford a therapist.
It feels so fucking unfair. I felt hope for the first time this year, that I could move past my PTSD and live a happy, fulfilling life. Now that hope is gone and it was replaced with grief, anger, confusion, and anxiety. I don't know how to cope with this. I feel such a strong urge to be self destructive. | 2019-08-27T21:37:40.000Z | cwazq4 | 2 | 7 | ptsd | can't cope. | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwazq4/cant_cope/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T21:32:24.000Z | cwax4k | 0 | 5 | ptsd | Second round of surgery and just feeling overehelmed | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cwax4k/second_round_of_surgery_and_just_feeling/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T19:45:56.000Z | cw9hgy | 17 | 22 | ptsd | What was your experience with EMDR like? | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw9hgy/what_was_your_experience_with_emdr_like/ |
Ladyrivermouse | My family has been encouraging me to reach out and join a local ptsd support group and I finally agreed to look for a group. I'm having a really hard time finding a group in my area. So far all of the groups I found are for military veterans, which I am not, and I would feel like it would be very inappropriate or disrespectful for me to go to those groups. I did find a women's sexual assault survivors group but it was a 12 week class and costs $30. I'm hesitant to begin with to go to an assault survivors group because I think it would trigger me a lot and I certainly don't want to have to pay to go to a group for a few weeks. Does anyone have any recommendations to help find a group? | 2019-08-27T18:03:36.000Z | cw83y6 | 3 | 5 | ptsd | Trouble finding local support groups | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw83y6/trouble_finding_local_support_groups/ |
throwaway452097409 | Alright, here goes. I haven't told many people this, but I figured it may help to put it out there in some way. I would say I have had a lot happen to me in my life. Some info, I am 22 male moved out, living happily with a wonderful girlfriend, life right now is pretty okay. I have had multiple therapists, but currently don't go to one. But I still feel like I need this.
When I was a child I was abused sexually for about 5 years straight, from two separate people. One was a karate instructor, and the other was a teacher while I was 5-10 years old. During that time, my mother was a drug addict and was wasted most days when I came home from school and she would verbally abuse me, in fact she has done this my whole life up until I moved out. While I was 5-11 I was physically abused by my uncle who would slap and punch me and throw me around, just treating me like shit. Everyone was to afraid of him, or to drugged out to do anything about it.
A few years later my mother got back together with my father, and we moved away from that place. But while we lived with my father he verbally and physically abused me as well, and my mother also began doing the same. That was when I was 12-16 parents then divorced after that.
Through those years I became a bit of a loner, and spent a lot of time with computers and picked up hacking.
I was bullied throughout middle and high school, but met someone while I was in 8th grade. We become "boyfriends".
But then he used me. I ended being forced to hack people for monetary gain. While doing so, I was raped at gunpoint a few times by him and his "friends". This continued throughout highschool, which were the worst years of my life. To this day I feel like actual trash, I may have ruined other peoples lives through hacking, and I regret that everyday. I have never wanted to hurt anyone, and even now never want to. I feel so weak, and stupid. I still have pretty awful PTSD and the flashblacks honestly suck. I always feel so bad, for my girlfriend when I have those attacks. I feel like I am just placed right back into one of those memories and go through exactly the same thing as then, which I can't imagine are good for her to witness. I never had the courage to report any of this ... and honestly I don't think I ever will. I'm just to scared, and feel like that window has already passed. There are somethings I didn't mention here but I think that would be too much to write. Sorry if this was too long, or doesn't belong here. | 2019-08-27T13:36:20.000Z | cw4k25 | 4 | 44 | ptsd | Just need to put this somewhere. Tw. abuse, sexual abuse, guns, hacking, violence. child abuse | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw4k25/just_need_to_put_this_somewhere_tw_abuse_sexual/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T12:04:35.000Z | cw3hiq | 1 | 1 | ptsd | It's been such a long road to get back to myself after cleaning up my act from alcohol 9 months ago. Today my fear and anxiety which has been plaguing me so has become manageable and I feel I can start to find my shell and climb out. | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw3hiq/its_been_such_a_long_road_to_get_back_to_myself/ |
WRRoach | So last night I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid someone would stab me in the back (literally) I rolled over so no one could get to my back then wondered if it’s better to be stabbed in the back or stomach. Suddenly, I had this strong feeling I was going to have to flee my house in the night. I thought maybe because of a fire, gunman, or driving three hours for a family emergency. So i ended up sleeping fully clothed- the whole deal- including shoes and my watch. I then packed an overnight bag with meds, a change of clothes, and water bottle. I put my license and debit card in my pocket and my contacts by the door. I turned my phone off of silent in case I needed to be reached for emergency. I figured if doing these things made me feel better, it was harmless enough. I have no reason to think someone would stab me or intrude my house. I have no reason I’d have to flee or have a family emergency. The only reason I can think for this is that my brother is in prison. He has people after him who have stabbed him many times. Once almost punctured his lung. He has to carry a knife at all times and can’t go to the dining hall unless he knows he can be first in first out. I’m thinking maybe I’m having some secondary trauma from hearing about those things. I am just sharing for the sake of sharing. Does anyone have similar experiences or thoughts? | 2019-08-27T11:05:12.000Z | cw2vh9 | 4 | 4 | ptsd | “Constant Vigilance” -Madeye Moody TW: Violence | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw2vh9/constant_vigilance_madeye_moody_tw_violence/ |
Futurebecca | Just want to know if anybody in the community can tell me a little bit more about their experiences with the longterm effects of ptsd. I am a self-recovering adult victim of domestic abuse. Any insight from anyone would be helpful | 2019-08-27T09:28:30.000Z | cw1zc1 | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Experiences with long term effects? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw1zc1/experiences_with_long_term_effects/ |
hydrangea_danger | I’ve been going through therapy for my PTSD for about 2 years now, as well of EMDR for one year, and both have been super helpful at getting me to process trauma and get good coping mechanisms for my day to day life.
But as well as PTSD I’ve also been diagnosed with Dissociation and Depersonlisation. Despite my anxiety becoming a lot better these two disorders just haven’t gone away. Theyve gotten a lot better don’t get me wrong but I constantly feel like I’m dreaming. I haven’t been able to recognise or understand my face or body for years now. I space out a lot and I lose time a lot. Losing time is the worst part for me, I hate not remembering things. What are ways that some of you have dealt with dissociation and depersonalisation? Any help would be appreciated | 2019-08-27T08:48:37.000Z | cw1nj1 | 6 | 10 | ptsd | Dissociation and Depersonalisation | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw1nj1/dissociation_and_depersonalisation/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T08:40:44.000Z | cw1lbh | 5 | 4 | ptsd | My PTSD is going too far!! | 0.71 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw1lbh/my_ptsd_is_going_too_far/ |
intelligencejunky | This is my first post here, I apologize for formatting I am on mobile.
I am a former Marine, and a father of a son who is elementary age and ASD. He asked me last weekend if we could go to the river and I wanted to reward him for a great first week back to school. We took the family out to the park yesterday afternoon and were enjoying the weather and cold water. He took swim lessons and went to swim camp this summer so he has gotten braver about going into the water with his float vest on. He asked me to ride downstream on my back and I obliged.
The river is swift but about chest level for most of the park, as it is situated on the headwaters of the river. At the end of the park the river hits a concrete wall which is about 3 feet high over the water, and turns getting closer to 10+ feet deep. The current creates an eddy next to the wall, but it’s hard to hit it as the current is swift and shoots you straight to a ladder. There are exit/entrance stairwells along both sides of the river before that point, and when we go down the river together I always get him out of the river before it gets deep.
The park was crowded yesterday, and noise can be painful for him and cause him to panic and scream. The larger crowd in the river had him on edge. I couldn’t get over to the exit I wanted and missed it because of the crowd, so I aimed for the last one before the deep point. As we neared it, a group of people pushed a raft in, with a wireless speaker playing music really loudly. My son panicked and started to squeeze my neck too tightly and started screaming, and the current pushed us past the last exit. I told him to not squeeze so tight and to be still and we would get to the ladder and climb out. He kept screaming as the water got deeper around us, and the all the music playing and people laughing and enjoying the park drowned out his screaming for everyone but me. The people in the raft paddled past us and as they went past my son shoved his feet into my back, and leaned towards the eddy. At this point I knew I was in trouble, because he kept clinching tighter around my neck in terror and I was not able to get enough air when I was going to go under. He had his vest on but I couldn’t reach up to my neck to try and pry him off of me without going completely under. I kicked as hard as I could to keep away from the wall but the current was too strong and it pulled me straight to it. I hit the wall, and tried to kick up and grab the ledge, but my whole body was already burning and couldn’t get high enough. I started to panic and started grasping at the wall trying to find a hand hold but there wasn’t one. I went down and under, and kicked up as hard as I could but his feet were pushing so hard against my back while his hands were pulling back on my throat. I swallowed water and grabbed his hands to try and push him off of me so he could float away. I saw a woman look over the edge of the wall and ask if I was alright ask started to get tunnel vision, and all I could do was shake my head no terrified she wouldn’t understand. I saw her jump in as I started to go down again, and a hand shot down and I reached and grabbed it. A man and his son happened to be sitting there and the pulled me up and pulled my son up out of the water. I caught the ledge and inched over to the ladder and climbed out. I was embarrassed and thanked them all. They asked me if I was alright and I assured them I was now and thanked them again. I am so ashamed. I put my son in that situation and he couldn’t communicate to anyone what was wrong. I have a friend who drowned in the same river 4 years ago, I was certain I was joining him. I couldn’t cry about it until I started typing this out and now I can barely see my screen. If I died, I am the person my son relies on to understand his needs, and I can’t stop thinking about how I was so certain I was in control of the situation until I wasn’t and almost abandoned him and my wife and daughter. I’m terrified of the thought of going back in the water with him. My wife didn’t realize when I first told her what happened how seriously it effected me, and she suggested maybe we could sneak away on Friday for a day date while the kids are in school and come to the river to float. I snapped at her and told her I wasn’t going near the river. I apologized when we got home and explained more clearly what happened but I’m still ashamed for snapping at her in the first place. My son isn’t able yet to comprehend how serious the situation was, and I feel ashamed because part of me blamed him. He’s so little he had no idea what he was doing.
I recently started the job hunt, and I went to meet the staff at a school I am going to go sub at while I do so. My mom is a teacher there, and was excited to introduce me to everyone she works with and tell them I am possibly going to be working there. I have always been an extrovert and enjoy meeting new people. I froze today when she began introducing me to people. I couldn’t think of what to say to people and sounded like a complete idiot. The school is a Jr. High and I sat in her classroom while I filled out my paperwork. I recently graduated with a double major in History and Anthropology, and love talking about both prolifically. In the middle of her class my mom asked me a simple question about Mexican culture, a subject we both love and discuss frequently. I looked at her and told her I don’t know and she looked at me confused. I felt like an idiot. I was in Intelligence in the Marines, I conducted briefings regularly with people pay grades that dwarfed my own, with perfect confidence. I didn’t have it. I was so humiliated in front of 9 twelve year olds, because I couldn’t recall that Dia de los Muertos is Aztec in origin. I am so embarrassed to go back up there. My brain keeps playing it over and over again. I’ve got a tickle in my throat that won’t go away and it feels like his little hands choking me. I trembled driving the entire way home once I could get out of there. I decided to type it out and get it out of me to see if it helps. If this post is not appropriate here I am happy to remove it, I just needed to try and relieve this burden.
[EDIT] Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and reassurance. I’m going to respond to some of you tomorrow, and thank you for my first gold! You are all so wonderful and I am making an appointment to speak to a therapist. | 2019-08-27T06:22:03.000Z | cw0gfn | 13 | 64 | ptsd | My son and I almost drowned yesterday | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw0gfn/my_son_and_i_almost_drowned_yesterday/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T06:13:05.000Z | cw0dpl | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Triggers | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw0dpl/triggers/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T05:34:11.000Z | cw01a3 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Flashbacks and horrible anger keeping me stuck. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cw01a3/flashbacks_and_horrible_anger_keeping_me_stuck/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T05:05:22.000Z | cvzrtk | 3 | 1 | ptsd | 2 steps forward and 3 steps back | 0.66 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvzrtk/2_steps_forward_and_3_steps_back/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T04:58:15.000Z | cvzpbv | 1 | 0 | ptsd | Is this PTSD or something else? | 0.33 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvzpbv/is_this_ptsd_or_something_else/ |
SymbolicTreasure | So basically I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused by my parents and brother and I'm extremely antisocial because I'm extremely terrified of people. But recently, one of my close friends is showing me how to talk to people and how to be less scared of people and recently I've even been able to join their roasting matches without being scared of getting hurt or beaten. It feels really nice to be able to talk to people without being terrified of them. I'm even getting used to physical contact with other people and having long conversations. I'm super happy that I'm getting better and better, and I'm gonna learn to help people so I can help them feel better. Thanks if you read this to the end, Love you!!! | 2019-08-27T04:52:06.000Z | cvzn57 | 0 | 3 | ptsd | I have extreme PTSD from my parents and brother and I'm feeling slowly better. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvzn57/i_have_extreme_ptsd_from_my_parents_and_brother/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T04:37:10.000Z | cvzhxu | 4 | 5 | ptsd | Repressed memories | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvzhxu/repressed_memories/ |
MintyMint123 | I’ve gone the entire season with my best foot forward. Went on meds. Got a dog for myself finally. Did a bunch of things to turn stuff around. It’s been months since I’ve had any major issues from my trauma. I’ve felt better than ever. I mean besides the never ending hellhole that is depression but hey. Not flashbacks. Not the panic, right?
Well all my hard work feels for nothing because it’s back and it feels like my meds aren’t working. I’m half tempted to go back to weed at this point. But I’ve been doing so well... I just feel broken about this.
I need something to pull me out of this mess. My old coping of crocheting isn’t working the way it used to. What’s wrong with me. I just feel like a mess.
Well thanks for listening. I just had to scream into the void you know. | 2019-08-27T03:41:59.000Z | cvyxjl | 4 | 6 | ptsd | Starting to have flashbacks again. | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvyxjl/starting_to_have_flashbacks_again/ |
123cats- | I have to keep writing this so I can process it. And I have to keep letting myself cry.
I was visiting Cape Flattery on the coast and driving through a town called Neah Bay. There was a pack of 5 or 6 motorcycles ahead of me. Through the town they were driving slow, maybe 15 mph. They looked safe. After a few miles I lost them as I assumed they sped up and I was driving the speed limit (30) because the roads are extremely windy. In the moment before I turned the bend I was so happy. I had just seen one of the most beautiful views in the world, I met a new friend, and I felt proud of myself to do this all on my own. I was singing to Vance Joy and dancing in my car.
I turn around the bend, and the motorcyclists are everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I'm the first responder there and one man flags me down. I park my car, engine still running, flung my door open and ran out asking "what can I do, what can I do". I start hyperventilating. The man who flagged me down points to his friend who is 10 feet away from me, laying face down, groaning and twitching. His left leg was bent in a way that shouldn't be possible. His friend was screaming, "Kevin breathe! Kevin wake up, wake up!!"
I started to have a panic attack. I'm running in both directions to stop cars. I'm screaming at people to call 911. They ask whats happening, I just repeat "Call 911 Call 911 he is dying! he is dying" The thing is, nobody had any service for at least 20 miles in each direction. Even in Neah Bay the town I had just come from had no service. One of the bikers stopped a bus who had a radio and told him to drive as fast as he could to get service and radio in to 911 our location. But by this time it had been 20 minutes. Kevin wasn't moving. He was groaning less and less.
The biker who flagged me down started having the cars pass through one lane. The lane that his body wasn't laying in. After they left I walked over and watched his friend kneel down and put his hand on Kevin's back. Lightly, like he was sending him off. I couldn't stop crying and panicking and hyperventilating, and I didn't want to take away from their moment. This was their friend, not mine. The biker who flagged me down walked to me, hugged me, and thanked me. But that was all we could do.
I got in my car and drove to the next place I could stop. I laid on the grass, tried to take deep breaths, and prayed. I can't stop picturing it. I had to drive home 3 hours the next day and I saw a motorcyclist and started crying. I saw an ambulance and started panicking. I am on edge and I can't sleep. I don't know how to end this, I just needed to write. | 2019-08-27T03:21:55.000Z | cvypt0 | 9 | 21 | ptsd | I watched a man die on Saturday. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvypt0/i_watched_a_man_die_on_saturday/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T03:02:53.000Z | cvyi92 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Car accident guilt | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvyi92/car_accident_guilt/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-27T01:59:02.000Z | cvxrzd | 10 | 6 | ptsd | EMDR for cPTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvxrzd/emdr_for_cptsd/ |
[deleted] | [removed] | 2019-08-27T01:31:37.000Z | cvxgja | 2 | 0 | ptsd | My cat died I have PTSD | 0.14 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvxgja/my_cat_died_i_have_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T23:55:15.000Z | cvwb3r | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Do you believe in complete memory repression? Tw: physical abuse | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvwb3r/do_you_believe_in_complete_memory_repression_tw/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T23:17:49.000Z | cvvudv | 5 | 21 | ptsd | Touch starved | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvvudv/touch_starved/ |
wow_wow_thisgirl | TW: abuse
Hello! I’m a wife to someone currently seeking diagnosis for C-PTSD. Since the beginning of our relationship he heavily showed sign of it and deflected getting any type of help. His excuses were endless but at the end of the day the reason he didn’t want to seek help was because it was from physical abused caused by a 5 ft tall 110lb women on top of abuse both sexually and physically as a child. He felt like PTSD is something people get from doing much more noble acts like police emt and soldiers. After about 4 years of convincing he’s officially on the road to diagnosis and joined a domestic abuse group.
I try to be nothing but supportive of him because I understand that it’s weighing heavily on him. But I can’t help but be fearful of the possibilities in the future. Whether it’s physical abuse (happened before) or suicide!
How can I as his wife help him more without projecting my fears? And how can I help validate that abuse is an extremely valid reason for ptsd? It unfortunately is what’s holding him back the most | 2019-08-26T22:26:01.000Z | cvv6p5 | 17 | 16 | ptsd | How to support my husband through diagnosis | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvv6p5/how_to_support_my_husband_through_diagnosis/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T22:06:08.000Z | cvuxmu | 11 | 3 | ptsd | Is it too soon to know if I have ptsd from a traumatic incident? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvuxmu/is_it_too_soon_to_know_if_i_have_ptsd_from_a/ |
500-Bees | I was just diagnosed with PTSD and I honestly feel like I have no right to say I have this disorder. Nothing bad has happened to me to the point I almost died, just random things throughout my childhood. This is gonna be a long story but I feel like I really need to get this out of my system so I can stop beating myself up for having this condition.
In second grade, I had the typical experience where you throw up at school. However, this was in the middle of a play. We were sitting on risers, I was on the top one. My head starting spinning and wouldn’t you know I threw up over many of my classmates. That experience made me terrified to go back to school, but my mom reassured me that it was okay. It wasn’t I got bullied for a while after that, being called the vomit girl and everyone being scared of me. I started obsessing over the fact that I would throw up at any second and I would do anything to prevent myself from throwing up again. I still obsess over it, and whenever I feel nauseous I start having a panic attack which makes everything even worse.
My childhood ended very abruptly when I had to change schools. I went from a very reserved private school to a public school when I started 5th grade. I started to get bullied and picked on because I was so short and shy. I became depressed and started spending most of my life on the computer. I met a lot of online “friends”. Some real some fake. My friend from school introduced me to them. Most of them ended up doxing me and threatening to kill me if I didn’t do what they wanted (such as buying drugs, alcohol, and weapons for them off the black market. I always refused don’t worry). It got to the point where one of them came to my grandparents neighborhood because that’s where my computer was at the time. They wanted to kill me. I had no idea why. Still don’t. The real life friend encouraged this. I was too scared to break my friendship with her.
6th grade started and things got worse. I got bullied by the kids at school. Pushed down stairs, people pulling on my hair, lots of insults. I felt like I was nothing. I lost all my friends from my old school, I had no one. It got to the point where I planned to take my own life. Luckily I was too unmotivated to put in the work. Later in the year, the same friend posted all of my personal information online along with a picture of me. My parents found out and contacted her parents. They took me out of that school immediately. She never got any punishment for what she put me through. This is why large crowds and leaving the house gives me anxiety.
Around the same time, my dad was so stressed over money. He had to close down his business and we had to be on food stamps for a few years. He would take out his stress in the form of anger on my mom. They would argue daily, sometimes screaming at each other. They’ve never fought. Not like this. I peaked around the wall, seeing them fight over the dumbest things. One night, my dad started throwing things. He yelled louder than he ever has at my mom. I was listening to it all in the hallway downstairs, right below where they were. I hear my dad say “you know what? Here-“ and then a loud BANG. It was almost as loud as a gunshot. I grabbed my cat and ran into my room, locking the doors and hiding under the table. I really thought my dad shot her. I cried for hours.
My dad came to my door and told me to come out. I said I was scared and that I was scared of him. I heard my mom behind him and decided to open the door. Turns out, he threw his phone at the wall, trying to hit her. I was scared to talk to my dad for days after that, even though I knew she was fine. This is why loud noises trigger my anxiety so badly I start hyperventilating. I’m not sure why though, I knew she was okay.
These are the events that I think are the main reasons why I have this disorder. But I know so many people have had it worse. Is it normal to feel like I shouldn’t have this problem? That I’m not “worthy” of being diagnosed and taking medication for it and going through many therapy sessions?
If you read through all of this, thank you. It’s long, but I just needed to get it off my chest. | 2019-08-26T22:01:33.000Z | cvuvcw | 14 | 37 | ptsd | Why I have PTSD and why it makes me feel guilty and wrong. TW | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvuvcw/why_i_have_ptsd_and_why_it_makes_me_feel_guilty/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T21:19:04.000Z | cvub46 | 9 | 7 | ptsd | Nightmares and PTSD.... | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvub46/nightmares_and_ptsd/ |
dddulcie | This is more CPTSD but I wanted to cross-post here.
Childhood trauma caused by an addict, bi-polar mother and a mostly absent father. Most of my life I could recognize that my childhood was rough, but that it’s over and it’s fine. Years ago in therapy I remember talking about my childhood, and the therapist saying “that must’ve been so hard.” “Mm, not really,” I replied. I guess I was stuffing it down, minimizing it.
Recently, I was in an intense outpatient therapy program for severe depression and anxiety. My childhood kept being asked about, and in class, we discussed how childhood trauma can impact a person. I thought about a few crap memories and shrugged.
Now, the therapy program ended a week ago, and the flashbacks (I think they’re flashbacks) have started.
I’m doing something and all of the sudden I see the flash of a memory. The colors are bright and accurate, I can remember the air and the weather, I can feel what I felt in that moment. I can clearly hear her voice, yelling. I snap back to reality quickly but reality is foggy and the memories are clear as day. Are these flashbacks? What is happening?
More and more every day I can feel this scared little girl inside of me, and feel less of my current reality. I blink and I see it and feel it as clearly as I did then.
Her constantly yelling, name calling, empty liquor bottles, the birthdays she forgot, the trips to the pharmacy in the middle of the night because she ran out of her pills, how scared I was getting into a car with her when she was high, or drunk, or manic, or whatever she was that day. I can hear her saying “you think you’re so much better than me, but you’re sicker than the rest of us.”
I feel guilty because I know many children had it much worse than I did. I feel guilty because my mom is better now, she is loving and amazing, and I want to cherish that, but even that feels like a ticking time bomb.
I feel mad because she doesn’t remember. I feel mad because my brothers don’t remember, and almost act like I’m making it up. I’m mad because the weight of these memories only weighs on me. Why does my mom get to be better? Why do I have to feel progressively worse and worse? I was taking her mom role since I was six years old, doing the dishes and the laundry and feeding my little brother. I’m mad that I was so hurt, and I don’t know what advice or comfort I would have given younger me. I wish I could tell her that it’s okay, but it’s not, because 20 years later I’m still reliving it. I’m so mad for younger me. She was too scared to be mad, but she had every right to be mad.
I just had to get this out. I’ve never felt so scared, and never realized how scared little-me was. I’m worried the flashes will get worse. I never ever thought I’d have to relive those things. | 2019-08-26T18:34:00.000Z | cvs2m8 | 21 | 102 | ptsd | I’m getting flashbacks for the first time in my life, at 27 years old. The memories are so clear and current reality is so, so foggy. I’m scared. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvs2m8/im_getting_flashbacks_for_the_first_time_in_my/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T17:58:24.000Z | cvrlbm | 3 | 3 | ptsd | I have PTSD and was recently diagnosed with a FND/FMD (functional neurological/movement disorder). Anyone else? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvrlbm/i_have_ptsd_and_was_recently_diagnosed_with_a/ |
ihatemyself_com | I hate it so much. My triggers are so stupid. Im scared of everything. I flinch when people move near me.
I hear his voice, i see his name and i start to cry. Hes not in the same state as me. Why am i so afraid?
What did I do to deserve this. Its not fair.
I want to fix it but I cant. I will never be how I was. I will always have scars, I will always be afraid. I will aways be on my meds. I will never be perfect. And that brakes me everytime I think about it, but I cant stop.
I want it to stop. I cant have a real relationship because I hate being touched.
There are so many opportunities that I'm missing out on because of my tics and anxiety.
I hate it so much. Everything has gone to shit and I dont know what I did wrong. | 2019-08-26T12:50:36.000Z | cvnng5 | 2 | 9 | ptsd | I hate my PTSD | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvnng5/i_hate_my_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T09:11:07.000Z | cvlkd3 | 24 | 111 | ptsd | Permanent disability | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvlkd3/permanent_disability/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T08:30:40.000Z | cvl95b | 3 | 5 | ptsd | Been wrong about what caused my PTSD for years (tw: sexual assault) | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvl95b/been_wrong_about_what_caused_my_ptsd_for_years_tw/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T05:20:22.000Z | cvjpni | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Is this a symptom of PTSD? | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvjpni/is_this_a_symptom_of_ptsd/ |
nottrynnaexist | I went to a handful of EMDR sessions about a year ago. I initially was going to try to process all the sexual assaults I had endured since middle school to the present. After a couple sessions, memories of my mom touching me as a child came up. I do know these things happened, but I just hadn’t thought about them in a while. I processed (hard to tell if it was all the way but...) those memories, and then one day a “memory” of my dad touching me came up too. I say “memory” because I don’t recall ever remembering it until then, so it’s hard to know if it’s true or just something my mind made up. I stopped the sessions after this because I didn’t see the point in delving into this further if I don’t even know if it really happened.
Has anyone had an experience like this (had a “memory” come up in EMDR that you don’t know for sure happened) and continued on with the therapy? What made you decide to keep going? Do you think the memory that came up really did happen? Let me know your experience with EMDR if you are comfortable sharing.
Thanks so much, as always, I appreciate this thread so much and am always thankful to learn from you all. Xoxo | 2019-08-26T05:08:12.000Z | cvjlos | 3 | 3 | ptsd | EMDR Therapy Question | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvjlos/emdr_therapy_question/ |
Thrownawaymylove | Throwaway because yeah..
My father, has ptsd. So because of that, one of his symptoms is moodswings, hes often either normal or angry.
Just an hour ago, My mother said "dont overfeed the bird" while i was feeding the bird, then my dad got angry and said "if you f\*cking abuse that bird i will take it back to the store." it got me really distressed, my dad tends to jump to conclusions and he also cheats on my mother.
i hate him, hes the reason im afraid to come out of the closet. | 2019-08-26T02:54:05.000Z | cviau2 | 2 | 0 | ptsd | My father with ptsd (60 M) (i think.) is an asshole. (nonbinary, 16) | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cviau2/my_father_with_ptsd_60_m_i_think_is_an_asshole/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T01:54:00.000Z | cvhnc7 | 1 | 1 | ptsd | is this a flashback? | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvhnc7/is_this_a_flashback/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-26T01:48:09.000Z | cvhkxb | 16 | 3 | ptsd | Life is hell | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvhkxb/life_is_hell/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T23:52:44.000Z | cvg9s6 | 9 | 6 | ptsd | Best type of therapy for working through trauma? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvg9s6/best_type_of_therapy_for_working_through_trauma/ |
byzvntine | I have PTSD & worked on CPT this summer with my amazing therapist... but due to a recent move, I had to pause my treatment and I felt completely unprepared for the triggers I would experience... now I'm trying to do my worksheets and I can't help but feel like I just backtracked through everything we worked on. | 2019-08-25T23:49:15.000Z | cvg87q | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Is it normal to relapse during CPT? | 0.76 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvg87q/is_it_normal_to_relapse_during_cpt/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T22:44:05.000Z | cvfgja | 1 | 1 | ptsd | *Possible TW*: Workbook/Book recommendation? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvfgja/possible_tw_workbookbook_recommendation/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T22:28:01.000Z | cvf9hu | 11 | 10 | ptsd | Broken heart-ex with PTSD. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvf9hu/broken_heartex_with_ptsd/ |
MalmulaatPallasCat | TW: near-death experience
About a third of a year ago, my then-partner had a near-death medical issue that I saved them from, but the panic I felt from that moment quickly morphed into Acute Stress Disorder and then PTSD. The panic attacks I used to have pre-PTSD were all sort of average - a psychological feeling, not a physical one - and now they're 90% physical, thundering heart, shortness of breath, numbness in arms and face, etc. I was a nervous person before, but seeing that accident happen to my partner (and the terror of losing them) and doctors not knowing why the hell it happened has pushed me into a state of panic whenever I experience anything slightly out of the ordinary, basically 0 to OMG-gonna-die. I'm feeling exhausted? Couldn't be because I spent yesterday moving a bunch of stuff, NOPE GONNA DIE. That bruise on my shin isn't going away really fast? Can't be because bad bruises take a while to heal, NOPE GONNA DIE. Doesn't matter I had an EKG and all readings say I'm really healthy - partner was too and nearly died, NO HOPE FOR ME.
Add to this the fact that partner and I separated suddenly just over a month ago (after being together nearly a decade) and I get the added thought AND NOBODY WILL KNOW YOU DIED flavor on there, and waking up in the middle of the night in a panic is much harder when I'm alone. Feeling crappy for being rejected by a partner and adding the physical fears onto it, and being nearly 40 - I feel like a stranger in my body. My trauma therapist has emphasized mindfulness, and my physical therapist is recommending good exercises to help work out pinched nerves and such, but I still feel remote from myself, tired of thinking about my body, and just exhausted at it. I fear that if I don't get over this, I'll be unsuitable for any kind of physical relationship with a new partner for a long, long time. I just want to feel even semi-normal, to work out and be physical and not be basically SCARED of myself so much. I didn't even think I was someone so frightened of death - I'm just FRIGHTENED, I guess, and god I am so sick of that.
I guess I just want to feel like there is some hope, that it's still really early for me, etc. I know time is relative and PTSD doesn't really care about that, but it's so hard to be patient. I've had to be so damn patient for so many things, and this just wears me out. Any hope would be great. | 2019-08-25T22:13:59.000Z | cvf38f | 3 | 8 | ptsd | How do I trust my body again? | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvf38f/how_do_i_trust_my_body_again/ |
Starfire911 | null | 2019-08-25T19:20:19.000Z | cvcvv7 | 2 | 2 | ptsd | What are some self care practices you guys indulge in? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvcvv7/what_are_some_self_care_practices_you_guys/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T18:10:35.000Z | cvby87 | 7 | 5 | ptsd | 30 year old male improving his life but has serious issues with relationships and social interaction | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cvby87/30_year_old_male_improving_his_life_but_has/ |
[deleted] | i have been reading up on trauma bonds from several sources. i always knew that trauma rewires the brain, but i never knew the physiology behind it.
from source https://postmalesyndrome.com/trauma-bonding/ "trauma wounds don't heal with time, because trauma had no sense of time" and it says something along the lines of trauma is stored in the memory with no time stamp which is why we lose our sense of time with the trauma. it goes on to talk about how it affects the body's fight or flight sense by suspending us in what's called the freeze stage, we are unable to get past that to process and review the trauma for the sake of learning from the experience.
and we will always feel the danger whether or not it's there, we will always seek out the source so we can move on to the end stage and work past it.
in freaked out because i check off everything in this list:
*The following are some signs of trauma bonding, which I’ve adapted from Carnes:*
*When you continue to be fixated on people who hurt you and who are no longer in your life.
When you crave contact with someone who has hurt you and who you know will cause you more pain.*
*When you continue to revolve around people who you know are taking advantage of you or exploiting you.*
*When you are committed to remaining loyal to someone who has betrayed you, even though their actions indicate few signs of change.*
*When you are desperate to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated they do not care about you.*
*When you go to great lengths to continue to help, caretake, or consider people who have been destructive to you.*
hey zeus this is going to stay with me forever isn't it? | 2019-08-25T13:22:04.000Z | cv8ffr | 38 | 85 | ptsd | I'm never going to get better am i? | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv8ffr/im_never_going_to_get_better_am_i/ |
stardust_zan | Hi,
So recently, I was talking to my therapist and he claims that in order to heal I have to be able to live through my story. I'm trying to help myself for years now but I feel like I'm stucked. I am having an issue to fully connect to my memories. I know what has happened (well I remember some), but for the most part I feel like it wasn't all that bad or it wasn't me. And almost feel guilty for being that affected by it. It's like all my abusers live a normal life, and they can even seem like nice enough people. And every time I try to confront them, they say I have it all wrong or something. Confusing my brain. As always.
I decided to share it here with you and maybe you can help me see it better. And will have some suggestions, how to unblock myself.
So, I was living in a very confusing and abusive environment. I grew up in a party house, Surrounded by drugs and alcohol. My mam left to work abroad when I was very little and I do remember feeling abandoned and neglected when that happened, especially that a few years later my sister was born and she traveled with my mother, while I was left behind, and that deepen my feelings of betrayal.
So, I was left with my emotionally unstable, drunk and drug addicted father. On the top of that I had the rest of the family (grandparents and aunties on both sides) who were in a constant conflict, full of hate and I was their tool to communicate ; so early in my life I was exposed on statements like "your aunties are whores" etc. When I started to grow up I also got under attack just for resembling either side of my family in any way (so I was constantly criticized for my looks and personality traits). My father was also on ongoing war with his and my mother's family, so he took part in that game as well.
For the most part he kept me with him. Convincing me that no-one loves me like he does, that even mother doesn't really love us and it's us against the world. Even though later on he said he wished I wasn't born, same as I heard my grandmother saying that if it wasn't for me my mam had a better life. Anyway I believed him and thought I'm special For him, even though For the most part I was there to bring him cigarettes and buzz when he was too hungovered and when he had enough of me, he'd drop me to my grandparents.
His friends were horrible people too. They were doing hard drugs at the time and I remember one day, one of them sat me on the outside part of the window sill and closed the window behind me. We lived on the 3rd floor. I was maybe 5 and it took my father around an hour to notice. I was terrified.
They once locked me out outside of the house. Hungry and tired, I cried for hours, hearing all the fun they had inside. I fell asleep on the door mat. I was also around 5/6 y/o. They gave me cigarettes and big amounts of alcohol to see how it's gonna impact a little girl like me. I was their entertaining monkey, and if I was getting cranky, I was locked in a room or brought to my grandparents to be fed with hate.
I had all of that going on and on the top of that had to look at the show my dad was putting on when my mother was coming back from Berlin, playing happy family, hearing all about how nice it is abroad, but she misses us, my sister all dressed up in new nice clothes, while my bike, playstation and every piece of nice stuff I got was exchanged for drugs. When I tried to say what's really going on, I was called a liar. Early in my life I learnt that I am a liar.
When my mam finally joined the family for good, the real shit show started. My dad would constantly come back home drunk&high and any excuse was a good excuse to beat the shit out of my mother. There were countless times I covered her with my own body, terrified he's gonna kill her. The next day he'd cry his eyes out, apologizing. She always forgave. I saw him rape her twice.
There was a lot of good times as well. Fairly stable times and during those he was the best father who ever lived. He was funny, engaging, told us a lot of great stuff about music, books, love and compassion etc. He was very intelligent and it was just nice. When he loved someone, he loved with his whole heart. And no-one really made me feel as loved as he did.
No-one also made me feel as despised and hated as he did.
So I tried really hard to make sure he'll be in a good mood and he'll love me. Even though at some point I realized my efforts are not even appreciated. They were required. I turned into a people pleaser.
He would abuse us physically, but the mental and emotional games where the worst. Always guessing what mood is he going to be in. Always worried about his reactions. What pleased him one day, annoyed him the other. He'd give me a silent treatment and treat like a piece of shit for no apparent reason. I second guessed everything I did. I still do.
He early started to try and turn me and my sis against each other by making me the golden child and her the bad child. Either way it sucked, cos the expectations he had for me were impossible to achieve and at the same time trying to achieve them, stripped me from my own identity. I never had a chance to learn who I am. Still, abuse was unavoidable.
I was made great for talents and achievements I never had nor actually wanted to have, and was constantly afraid that someone will see through it and I'll be abused again.
The funny thing is my actual achievements and talents were completely dismissed and not noticed. My parents never made to school venues to actually see me getting rewards etc. It wasn't really about me.
When I hit puberty, my dad constantly was making inappropriate jokes about my body. Saying I should undress in front of his friends or that if it wasn't for his love to my mother he'd have a go with me. He'd also abuse me for any extra weight I'd put on. Till today I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and disturbed body image.
One time when drunk he lied next to me and confused me for my mother and did touch inappropriately. I was paralysed from fear, guilt and shame.
There was that believe going on around the family and friends that me and my dad have some special bond. That I have calming effect on him, so when he was acting crazy and violent my mam and sis would leave the house and stay somewhere else and I'd be left on my own with him. I was being left alone with drunk, aggressive and violent man, who was just after physically abusing my mother. It was overehelming and terrifying.
There were times when I would run, in my pyjamas and slippers across the town to my auntie to get help, worried he's gonna kill my mother and the next day, my mam and dad would be back in love and angry with me for telling lies.
They were messing with my reality constantly and till now, I get lost in it. Not knowing what's real and what's not.
For the most part I felt quite neglected. My mam would work long hours, my dad would constantly drink. And I was walking around town aimlessly. One time when I was around 8 I run away, middle of the winter. Just in my pyjamas and slippers and after hours of walking around the town, hungry and tired, I fell asleep on a bench. Was found and brought home by a stranger in the evening. Noone notice I was missing.
My grandmother beated me up a couple of times for insubordination. My father while high, tried to sell me to an Arabic man for 1000euro.
I was pulled into a basement by my grandfather's friend and sexually abused, but managed to run away before it went too far. When I got home crying, I've heard, that this is what you get when you come back home late.
In school, I had a nice time for the most part, I was a good student and likeable, engaged in a lot of projects so the teachers would like me, but there was a group of kids that hated me for it. They would constantly bully me and send messages threatening my life, etc. When I told my dad, he said I have to man up and learn how to deal with my stuff and not rat on people (I was only like 12-13 y/o). Part of that group of kids, was a guy who took a knife out and pulled my friend into a basement, and wanted to use her. I was there and managed to help her run away.
After my prom night, I was walked back by my male friend who tried to sexually use me. I pushed him and run away, and learnt the next day that he told everyone what a slut I am, even told his mother.
I was attacked by 3 guys in the middle of the day, who tried to get my clothes off and were unhappy with my appearance ( long jeans and big baggy shirt), as they thought "such a good looking girl, should show off more of her body".
I was attacked in a pub by a man who wanted to rape me, ambushed in a toilet, managed to get out of it, but he followed me. No One reacted to that, even though I was clearly in distress and asking for help. I locked myself in McDonald's toilet and waited for my friend to arrive and take me out of there. Still, I wasn't able to properly articulate to him what happened as I got overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
I have a few more situations like that but you get the picture.
I also found myself in two emotionally and mentally abusive relationships. In one of them I was sexually abused. The other mentally devastated me so much that I started to loose contact with reality.
Plus my father did fry his brain in the end. He committed suicide, but before that there was like a whole year of properly crazy behaviour (walking naked, wearing watermalon as a hat etc). He was properly manic. He locked my mother up in the house and I literally had to prepare a rescue mission to take her out of there. He'd talk to the sink and trees and be a proper lunatic. Stalking us and trying to kill me. He decided that I was the reason of his madness (not the tons of MDMA and heroin he took) and he was on a constant mission to hurt me, unless he got confused what year it is, who am I or just simply remembered he actually loved me. In his own twisted way. I would still go to him and clean him and the house, feed him and look after him. Go on his crazy adventures despite the fact that he could easily attack me at any given moment. He literally threw stones at me once. It was crazy.
It's been like that up to last year. There's more stuff, but I could write a book if I kept going. It's constantly something going out of control. I find myself in those situations all the time, but earlier I was a child. Now I am a grown, intelligent woman, but I still don't know how to protect myself. So there's shame adding onto all of that. I'm nowhere near the person I dreamt to be. In fact I started to get aggressive myself when poked and I hate myself for that. I have that rage inside of me and I worry that one day I won't be able to stop it and I'll destroyed every thing and every one on my way. It scares me.
I still just want to be loved and accepted. And I think simply acknowledged as a human being who's deeply wounded. I feel horribly lonely. And even more so since my dad is gone. I know it sounds crazy. I have no sense of belonging. I don't know who I am and what to do with myself. I feel like I'm floating aimlessly.
I feel like my own brain got twisted. I'm emotionally unstable, paranoid, can't say what's real and what's not. Who loves me and who's trying to use me. Who's the friend and who's the enemy. I'm isolated and socially awkward. I'm constantly alert, tense and don't do well in crowds and noisy places. Can't stand loud people. Loudness can physically hurt me and overwhelm me, unless I feel safe. Which is almost never. Being ignored hurts me. If I talk and someone stops listening I literally feel like I'm drowning. I can't stand drunk or high people, cos they make me feel paralyzed inside. I can't get out of my head. All I can think of is my past. I get stuck in loops. And get uncomfortably obsessive about things and can't snap out of it. I deal with intrusive thoughts. I overeat to the point I can't move and hate myself for it and then I fast and over exercise to the point I exhaust or hurt myself. I have intense mood swings. I have nightmares and intense anxiety/panic attacks on a regular basis and they can last days. Days hidding undercovers from a danger that doesn't exist. But in my head feels very real and very threatening. I feel worthless and a failure. I have delusions and mild hallucinations sometimes. I feel like I'm getting crazier and crazier with every year. With every new poke I get . Since last year I'm not able to go back to work cos any amount of stress is unbearable for me and becomes an immediate trigger. I feel Like I'm falling apart and I constantly think that I want to die. I just want to finish this suffering. I just want to stop the noise in my head. I just want to vanish.
Inside of my mind is full of darkness and I try hard to look away and not see it. Put on a fake smile, overwork, make loads of plans and commitments that I can't keep up with, focus on other people. Just please don't make me think about my stuff, even though it's always there. It's all that occupies my mind. It's slowly killing me and I don't know how to get out of that trap.
I despretaly want to believe that world can be a good place and there's a reason behind this madness. That things can be changed.
And to make it all worse I still look for my mother's approval, and she refuses to accept my full story and gives out to me, for not looking at the bright side. You know, daddy loved me, I have to stop remembering the bad things. Plus I have serious issues with The feeling of neglect from her and that is still constantly deepen to this day. The rest of the family now not fighting anymore but I visit them and hear "How could they say this or that, we'd never did that to you, we'd never say that", even though it's exactly what they said but confronting them With it ends in a fight and confuses my brain even more (I can't stand confrontation) . I run away from my house when I was 18 and my family basically dropped the contact for over a year; last call was from my grandmother who beated me up the day before, what pushed me to the edge, so she rang just to tell me that I'm a slut and I'll endup under a bridge with a baby with no support and then I learn my lesson. Over a year later I finished high school and had great results on my leaving certs landing myself a spot in one of the top universities in my country in a law department My family heard about it and all of a sudden, I was again a welcomed part of the family (they had something to brag about) .
But it's like they all moved on from what has happened I'm the only one who didn't. I feel guilty because of that and like there's something wrong with me. I dunno how I should react to them, how to talk to them. I don't know how to process that shame, guilt, confussion, pain, anger and sadness and fear I have in me.
And they surly not make it easier for me, so I just bottle it up and pretend it's not there. | 2019-08-25T11:58:20.000Z | cv7mkk | 5 | 7 | ptsd | I can't feel my story. *TW* | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv7mkk/i_cant_feel_my_story_tw/ |
26624 | i started snowboarding 5 years ago, met 100s of new friends, even go as far as new family members.
i was going with a couple friends about 50 times a season. needless to say i grew close to them. i don't run with a crowed my age, they're 20 years older than i am. parties are a part of snowboarding, and i just hopped in and made a new life for myself. ( i am not a huge drinker at all) normally say sober. i go stay with very well known friends, and they got into a drunken verbal fight. which had happened often, but i was always able to go on a walk until they passed out.
this time i was in the middle of nowhere in a 600sq foot cabin, miles of woods i would get lost in or a single highway i could walk 4 miles to a friends house. i decided to stay cause it was 1am.
me: ok if i act asleep i won't be another target to yell at.
this goes on for an hour or so, then they went to the loft and passed out. it being a cabin there was lots of creaks. so i lay there listening for them to get up and start fighting again. i heard him grown as she woke him up. (here we go) they keep it upstairs but, in a drunken fit there is no idea what could happen. so i was freaked, i'm prone to panic attacks as it is and i had already taken a prescribed xanax.
the terror i felt that i could be woken up because he may have said something i disagreed with earlier in the day and ran out of what he was yelling about in the first place ( the wrong beer).
it's been 2 1/2 years since that night happened. for the first few months i was not able to sleep at all, if i did fall asleep i would wake myself up because the nightmares of that night were so bad i would wake up screaming. i would stay up all night until i knew for a fact they would be at work or up on the mountain before falling asleep.
around the first May i was feeling better and was coming back out and seeing people. started looking forward to the new season, November hit, i had saved for my season pass 450 bucks, go up, hop off the chair opening day. flashbacks instantly of that February night. i haven't went snowboarding since.
it's august, and i still wear that season. pass snowboarding is my life, but i'm starting to have flashbacks of that night and don't think i will be snowboarding any time soon.
that night ripped the life out of me. | 2019-08-25T06:18:32.000Z | cv521o | 13 | 0 | ptsd | can't think of a title "Febuary" | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv521o/cant_think_of_a_title_febuary/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T05:58:32.000Z | cv4w8w | 10 | 30 | ptsd | I'm sorry if I don't belong here. I don't mean to compare trauma | 0.96 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv4w8w/im_sorry_if_i_dont_belong_here_i_dont_mean_to/ |
spencerpng | I was home or abroad all summer, and I was fine. Now I’m back at school where everything happened, and I can’t leave my room without panicking. She could be anywhere. She could find me, track me down, confront me, make me do it all again. She could do everything she threatened to do or worse. The anxiety and helplessness and guilt and shame and isolation are overwhelming. I can’t stay physically present for very long, and classes start in two days. I need to email my therapist and get back on her schedule, but this is so deeply disheartening. I was doing better. All summer I was fine, barring the nightmares. I feel like I need to be on high alert again, and honestly I just want to forget all of this happened. I want to do a factory reset on a year and a half of memories so that when I run into her I have no idea who she is. So that none of that happened to me and I have autonomy over my body and I don’t feel disgusted by myself. I am so fucking happy and excited to be alive for once and this is still dragging me down. I’m pissed off. I’m terrified. I feel so weak. | 2019-08-25T05:34:32.000Z | cv4p9a | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Space and memory [TW possibly upsetting hypotheticals] | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv4p9a/space_and_memory_tw_possibly_upsetting/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T05:31:27.000Z | cv4o82 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Slight inconvenience is a trigger. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv4o82/slight_inconvenience_is_a_trigger/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-25T00:09:09.000Z | cv17lj | 17 | 2 | ptsd | Not sure where else to put this, but I need advice | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cv17lj/not_sure_where_else_to_put_this_but_i_need_advice/ |