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awkwardpal | Hey all. I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple years ago as a result of trauma from bullying and sexual assault. I also have comorbid mental health issues, but I feel they are connected to my trauma to a certain extent.
I tried to do a short guided meditation the other day. I normally avoid meditation and breathing exercises because I tend to have a flashback and start crying / panicking after. All of a sudden I was met with an intrusive thought and intense fear that someone was going to bully me again. I had to go to an old friend’s wake and I was terrified I’d run into someone who hated me. Even a few months ago, I was cyberbullied by my ex best friend and some old friends who made horrific accusations about me. I’ve been super paranoid ever since then, even though I already was. I even left social media for a couple years after my friendship with this toxic person ended.
I started having flashbacks about my ex bullying me in high school. It was his best friend who passed away, and I do feel heartbroken for him. At the same time, there is so much I don’t remember from high school. I hate when it creeps back up on me out of nowhere. Flashbacks are intense and terrifying.
I am easily startled and also am sensitive to noise. Sometimes I can’t even listen to music or watch tv. I also get overstimulated easily. Today I felt terrified to get up off the couch or leave my house. However, this could be part of my agoraphobia and major depression. I still feel these issues are tied to my trauma, though.
I am on meds. I’m doing TMS right now and I’m in therapy. I have amazing, supportive friends. Regardless, I am still struggling. I’ve been in bed for hours and I’m up at 1 AM writing this because I feel so frustrated. People understand the typical depression/anxiety for the most part, maybe not to a clinical extent, but still. Ptsd is so much more than flashbacks and dissociation. I wish people understood what it was like. :/ | 2019-08-20T05:05:06.000Z | cssx6u | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Struggling immensely | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cssx6u/struggling_immensely/ |
SpiceyMama | I was recently diagnosed with PTSD but I have suspected it since late last year. My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 5 months ago. It explains his behavior and due to him being undiagnosed for so long it has caused some damage to my mental health along the way. His temper can be really bad at times. Since he’s started medication he hasn’t been as bad and I hadn’t seen a bad outburst of anger since before starting his meds...until 2 days ago. I could tell he was starting a manic episode a little over a week ago because he was oddly cheerful and goofing around nonstop (only part of mania I like). Then it turned into him having all these grand ideas of what we will do in the next month because he gets an extra paycheck so to him that means we can throw away money. He impulsively bought things we didn’t need and I was waiting for the anger to show up. Then Saturday night he had a huge outburst. He was screaming at me as loud as he could over something so small. It was really scary for me and times like that make me consider taking him to a hospital. Thankfully he went to sleep soon after. The next morning he wasn’t any better and it was making me panic since I knew we would have to drive a couple hours home and I had no clue how he was going to act. I drove and he had calmed down prior to us driving home. I ended up calling his doctor today to inform him of what’s going on and that I’m concerned about his mania. He made me feel like my concerns weren’t sensationalized or stupid but real concerns that needed addressed. He sent in a new script for my husband and I’m hoping it helps. I love him so much and want him to be healthy. I sometimes wish I didn’t love him because then I would leave. I don’t ever want to give up on him and hopefully it won’t get bad enough that I’ll have to leave. I’m scared of the unknowns and it’s making my anxiety so bad that I’m taking Xanax every night to get some sleep. I really need therapy but we can’t afford it unfortunately. I guess I just needed to vent as there aren’t many people who understand what it’s like to be in my shoes. | 2019-08-20T03:50:46.000Z | cssfcq | 0 | 1 | ptsd | my anxiety has been through the roof lately | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cssfcq/my_anxiety_has_been_through_the_roof_lately/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-20T02:37:29.000Z | csrmm1 | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Advice on touch? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csrmm1/advice_on_touch/ |
butterflyfrenchfry | My uber driver today and I were just chatting about life and I told him I just graduated from UNCC. He said he used to work there for about 7 years or so and the topic about the shooting came up. He said “honestly, I was really close to the shooting back in April and I just had to leave, it was too hard for me.” I was just like “OMG ME TOO!” He said he saw the kid walking into the building moments before it happened and just described the look on the kids face as something he’ll never be able to forget.
It’s really sad that I’m even able to have that conversation with *anyone,* it never should have happened. The shooter was in my history class and sat 2 rows in front of me up until he dropped out. In my mind all I can think is, what if I could have done something to prevent this? I think my uber driver is living with the same thoughts, knowing he saw the kid walking into the building before it happened. It was just really comforting to know I’m not alone. I feel alone all the time about this stuff. | 2019-08-20T02:13:17.000Z | csrfg5 | 0 | 6 | ptsd | Met someone today who was also there during the shooting at UNCC and it was honestly incredibly comforting knowing that I’m not the only one still struggling. | 0.87 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csrfg5/met_someone_today_who_was_also_there_during_the/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-20T00:52:31.000Z | csqgnu | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Someone just triggered me really badly here on reddit and I ended up hurting myself. | 0.8 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csqgnu/someone_just_triggered_me_really_badly_here_on/ |
amethysttwilight | When I was 13, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was too weak to keep up with the bills, and by the time she told me about her tumor, we had a week to move out.
After that, we lived in and out of motels, in friend's guest rooms, and sometimes a hotel. During that time, I began to be fiercely afraid of sleeping and dreaming. I was afraid to let my guard down. If I went to sleep, I was afraid that I would be attacked or my mother would die in the middle of the night.
I also live in Albuquerque, so living in a motel here is NOT fun.
It's been 6 years and I am still not completely recovered. I sleep much, much easier, but there are some nights where I will close my eyes, drift off slightly, and be slapped with a hyperventilating panic attack. I will stay up until dawn and begin to cry hysterically, afraid that I will be awake for too long and have horrible hallucinations. I have NEVER had any sleep induced hallucinations, however.
Nothing has made me feel more alone than this sleep anxiety. My mother is a hibernating grizzly bear, so she never understood the fear. Everyone just told me to "meditate". I was 13. I didn't even understand my body yet. I know they were trying to help, and I'm thankful.
Medical marijuana has DRASTICALLY improved my sleep. It's not perfect yet, but I'm never going to quit trying. Yes, I am also in therapy. | 2019-08-20T00:39:57.000Z | csqael | 9 | 8 | ptsd | Has homelessness created sleep anxiety/insomnia for anyone else? | 0.85 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csqael/has_homelessness_created_sleep_anxietyinsomnia/ |
amethysttwilight | I can't watch certain childhood movies or listen to certain youtubers. When I do, suddenly I feel as though I am transported to my childhood, and that makes me freak the hell out. It could be the youtuber's voice or the soundtrack of the movie, but suddenly I am having trouble breathing and I'm afraid to let my guard down.
My mother and I were homeless when I was 13 and she had breast cancer. I used to watch markiplier and I can't listen to his voice anymore. It makes me afraid to sleep again.
I hope someone else out there has this too. If you do, I understand what you feel. | 2019-08-20T00:19:59.000Z | csq09j | 36 | 30 | ptsd | Does anyone else get panic attacks from media from traumatic time? | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csq09j/does_anyone_else_get_panic_attacks_from_media/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T22:14:21.000Z | csoboa | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I had my first (consensual) kiss and hated it | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csoboa/i_had_my_first_consensual_kiss_and_hated_it/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T21:20:29.000Z | csnldw | 4 | 3 | ptsd | I'm afraid to post this (TW) (NSFW) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csnldw/im_afraid_to_post_this_tw_nsfw/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T21:12:10.000Z | csnh9k | 11 | 1 | ptsd | I just had a panic attack!! What should I do? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csnh9k/i_just_had_a_panic_attack_what_should_i_do/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T21:11:41.000Z | csnh19 | 11 | 13 | ptsd | I feel broken beacuse of my childhood | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csnh19/i_feel_broken_beacuse_of_my_childhood/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T21:08:43.000Z | csnfjt | 1 | 5 | ptsd | If someone gets mildy annoyed at my I panic | 0.78 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csnfjt/if_someone_gets_mildy_annoyed_at_my_i_panic/ |
phdstudentlife19 | Hey, i had an anaphylactic shock recently and needed to call an ambulance. Two weeks later i thought i was having another. Went to a&e and they told me nothing was wrong and was most likely a post nasal drip from spicy food. I now feel like im having another even though logically i know im not.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? I read online that many people get some form of PTSD after having an anaphylactic shock. For people who have experienced this, how did you stop it? Thank you in advance! | 2019-08-19T20:36:11.000Z | csmyut | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Anaphylaxis and PTSD | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csmyut/anaphylaxis_and_ptsd/ |
throwaway0706199 | I just tried to complete this mandatory online course about sexual assault for my college. I’m fucking hysterical. I couldn’t even finish its. Ugh. | 2019-08-19T20:18:13.000Z | csmpld | 8 | 7 | ptsd | Consent ecourse for university | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csmpld/consent_ecourse_for_university/ |
mt-traveler90 | Hey guys, forgive me for not doing a lot of research before posting this here. The thought just popped into my head, and I've got to get back to work so I wanted to ask while it's on my mind.
My previous job had me on call 24/7 for a little over 3 years. It was in the medical field, and if a patient or nurse called me any time, day or night, I had to respond to the call. I would work my 9+ regular hours at the office or in the field, and then several more hours a day after hours on call, not to mention every weekend.. It was a good job, but I absolutely hated that part of it. It caused me to lose a lot of friends and put a lot of hardship between me and my family because I was ALWAYS at work.
Anyway, about 2 months ago I decided that I needed to leave that job for my own mental well-being. I should note that I had always kept the standard AT&T ringtone on my phone. After my last day, I changed my phone number, ringtone, etc. I needed to be free. Since leaving, I have noticed that almost everyone has that ringtone. When I'm out shopping or at a restaurant and someone's phone rings with that ringtone, an almost overwhelming amount of anxiety washes over me to the point that I almost feel sick at my stomach. After 10 minutes or so, and as quickly as I can distract myself with something else, it's mostly gone but I still feel "off" for a while. I even still hear "phantom" ringing a lot, where I will be alone and think my phone is ringing but it isn't. Typing this all out makes me feel like I'm crazy or something. Is this PTSD or something else, and if so, how can I get over it? | 2019-08-19T20:04:06.000Z | csmihj | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Is this ptsd? | 0.64 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csmihj/is_this_ptsd/ |
k_getaman | Hi everyone, thanks in advance to whoever reads this. I was diagnosed with bipolar II about a month and a half ago. On August 1st (only 2 days after my medication dosage was increased), I was mauled by a dog at work. Granted it’s a work-related risk as I am a Veterinary Assistant - but this was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. The pet was doing that plucky puppy thing where they jump up to bite the leash. He wasn’t growling, or barking, or showing teeth ... as a matter of fact, he was wagging his tail (which yes, I know, does not always mean happiness). Suddenly, he went up for the leash (or so I thought), and got my arm. Then he bit my ankle, knocked me over, bit my inner thigh, and finally my breast. I was sent back to work light-duty a day and a half later, and have been working ever since. Every time we have a big aggressive dog come in now, I can feel myself having trouble breathing. My heart rate quickens, and I get a weird tunnel vision sensation. Not like I’m passing out, but almost as if the entire world around me (including sounds) gets loud and bright, than suddenly everything starts fading out (like portrait mode on the iPhone). I do have an anti-anxiety med that my doctor gave me when I saw her after I was attacked. It helps. But I’m just confused, am I experiencing PTSD? If so, what can I or should I do? | 2019-08-19T19:54:44.000Z | csmdip | 4 | 0 | ptsd | Mauled by a dog at work ... do I have PTSD? | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csmdip/mauled_by_a_dog_at_work_do_i_have_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | So my mom was a raging alcoholic. She was abusive most of the time but moreso when drunk hence the reason I dont trust inebriated people, the smell of hard liquor on someone's breath causes flashbacks. I dont usually drink and have never been drunk. Here is where the problem is, my husband likes alcohol a lot, moreso than I think is healthy but I understand my past clouds my judgement. We were in marriage counseling a little while ago and got this asshole of a therapist that told my husband he can do anything he wants because of the fact that yes in the literal sense because he has free will he could. So now when I speak up about how alcohol makes me uncomfortable, this time regarding a beer festival, its pretty much "sucks to be you, Im going to do it anyway". Ive come a long way regarding trust in myself and other people, to where I realize I control substances not the other way around, which has allowed me to try new treatments like Ketamine and Marijuana, can keep alcohol in the house including hard liquor and I can be around tipsy/drunk people but my trust does not extend as far as a whole festival of drunk people and going to a festival where the whole point is to drink. I dont feel its respecting my boundaries and it might sound crazy but each time he reminds me he can do whatever he wants it breaks down trust. I just dont know what to do and I feel conflicted :(. He says Im too controlling but I feel that what he deems controlling is really just somewhat normal boundaries for a person that went through what I went through. Thanks guys | 2019-08-19T18:36:27.000Z | csl9zz | 7 | 5 | ptsd | Need some advice regarding my boundaries around alcohol? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csl9zz/need_some_advice_regarding_my_boundaries_around/ |
floridaxkilos | null | 2019-08-19T17:41:46.000Z | cskhp2 | 72 | 70 | ptsd | Does anyone get any physical symptoms with their PTSD? | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cskhp2/does_anyone_get_any_physical_symptoms_with_their/ |
lkaaaa93 | My partner has ptsd.
My partner is currently off work injuried and his ex is being an asshole about his child *legal stuff happening there* .
These two things are taking a HUGE toll on his mental health and I don't know what to do. I'm sitting up at night calming him during his panic attacks. He kicks the bed, punches pillows, tosses around.
I'm trying to keep him busy during the day, but it's limited due to injury. I would love to send him to his dad's but that's 12hrs away and he's got so many appointments for his injury and is possibly having surgery next week.
I'm seriously lost as to how to help him. I'm here 10000000% for him. He won't go to his Dr for it because he wants to focus on his injury, so he'll only talk about things with his psychologist.. but he's had to cancel his appt because of specialist appts, can't get one for 10 days.
He's having panic attacks, he's snappy, he's miserable, he's shut down, eating terribly (Even if I cook good food), he won't go out unless I am going.
Please give me some advice on how else I can help. | 2019-08-19T16:03:34.000Z | csj36k | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Injury causing issues | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csj36k/injury_causing_issues/ |
redheadedalex | [Check it out.](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/csiskq/cptsd_and_adhd_symptomssimilarities_overlap/)
I figured you guys might have some good input....hope you enjoy! | 2019-08-19T15:50:57.000Z | csiwya | 2 | 3 | ptsd | I wrote about some similarities/common symptoms | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csiwya/i_wrote_about_some_similaritiescommon_symptoms/ |
ZaneyFlywuff | A year ago my boyfriend of 5 years almost died after being hit by a car. Miraculously, he recovered enough to come home in a month. He lived, and yet I still feel stuck in that time. I still remember the first night vividly. I still remember when he woke up.
I remember how scared I and his family were, I remember when it felt like I had to push against their wishes out of respect for his. I remember all of the friends and loved ones who came to our aid, and I remember feeling alone when all I wanted to do was hug my boyfriend.
It's nights like tonight where I'm up into the morning, and left with these conflicted emotions. He lived, so I feel like I should be feeling better a year out. But, I'm not. It got so close to him dying, and while I know that everyone dies eventually, the thought of losing him, for real, scares me.
I feel angry, scared, itchy for a fight I don't want to participate in, and just sad. I want to be able to move on, and enjoy the second chance with him that I'm so incredibly lucky to receive.
I've already started therapy. I have a willingness to grow from my experience, and a desire to turn this pain into something constructive. So I just want to know, what am I not doing right with processing all of this stuff? | 2019-08-19T11:50:05.000Z | csg01x | 5 | 13 | ptsd | How long until I figure this all out? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csg01x/how_long_until_i_figure_this_all_out/ |
[deleted] | where you just want someone to hold you and tell you you're okay and remind you how strong you are and to just help you feel okay not alone. something. anything. anything. anything. any physical affection. something tangible to give you a break from the torture inside of your head. cuddles. anything. anything. anything.
and all you need is so simple. so simple little thing. just someone to hold you and tell you it's okay. because you've been through insanely tremendously traumatizing things and you can barely wrap your head around it but anyone else could see it so clearly.
and all you desire is that basic human compassion. but you get absolutely nothing. in fact, you get treated as less than. you get pitied and looked down upon. you feel even more isolated.
and all you needed or desired was a little thing. and meanwhile there are people going through car accidents about 1/2 as bad as mine and they are immediately asked if their okay and they're acting like it was so horrible. complaining that their head hurts. and I've been through so much worse. and I can't even ... have someone to just hold me or massage me or talk with me or anything. my head hurts so bad. I feel like I've been alone my entire life. I need a best friend. I want someone to care about me. truly care about me. truly have my back. I thought I had that. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired in every single way. I wish I could express it more deeply. I wish I could forget. I wish I could escape. something. I don't know. it hurts. in every single way. | 2019-08-19T08:37:44.000Z | cseaa8 | 12 | 13 | ptsd | this feeling | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cseaa8/this_feeling/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T07:14:30.000Z | csdmiq | 3 | 1 | ptsd | i think i’m just stuck disassociating | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csdmiq/i_think_im_just_stuck_disassociating/ |
[deleted] | In Iraq I saw a man burned alive in a bus. When it happened I remeber the soldiers who did it were laughing at him. 15 years later and I just had an incredibly vivid recreation of the dream except I was in the bus with him as we shot it up and it caught fire. I literally woke up patting off the flames and lathered in sweat. Fuck war... | 2019-08-19T07:07:10.000Z | csdk9b | 3 | 15 | ptsd | Sleeplessness | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csdk9b/sleeplessness/ |
gghhggyu | **tl;dr: Hi. I am male, 23 in Canada. I have been somewhat depressed and low self esteem my whole life. I had a serious bout of suicidal depression at age 15 and now another this year and still struggling. I am trying to figure things out, and I have a lot of characteristics of someone who experienced trauma, but I had a better childhood than most, so I am wondering if I did experience trauma?**
Age 0-4 was a lot of daycare and time spent with my grandpa (Who usually watched tv)
When I begun school, I was bullied a lot and struggled more than most to fit in, make friends etc. I was constantly having conflict with others and never had friends. I spent every single recess alone in a corner or playing by myself. I honestly dont understand why i became the only person in my grade to literally be so alone. In grade 2, I did not do any homework for months and kept lying about it until I finally got caught and my parents yelled at me, but my behaviour harldy improved. After school, I was at home with two older sisters and my parents came home late. Both parents spent most of the time watching tv or yelling and swearing at eachother. However on summer weekends, theyd take us to our cottage which was usually fun and we spent time together. My mom often felt non-existant to me and my dad used the most awful communication ever. He seldom swore directly at me, he never hit. But he used very mean sarcasm, cuts off conversation entirely, insults, extensive use of guilt tripping and gaslighting, I was constantly being accused of being selfish and uncaring about him and how he was a victim that was not valued enough, he did a lot of yelling and self pitying, many times the yelling was directed at me where I was called stupid etc.
In grade 5, there were new people in school and i wanted to try and make friends. I made a friend in gr.6. Gr 6 to 8, I participated more with others but still bullied a lot and pretty alone. By grade 8 (Age 14), my parents got divorced. My sisters werent surprised but I didnt see it coming. I slept at my friends house for two weeks and didnt come home. During this time of the divorce, my dad was such a horrible monster with endless shouting at me and my sisters, accusing us of being bad and selfish, how sabotaged he is. With my mom gone, I tried hard to please him and he had us do a lot of the cooking, dishes, chores, though he was never happy. I was also starting highschool and my friend went to a different one. I was alone again and scared, my self esteem sucked. I was failing everything, I began binge drinking like crazy often. I began self harming and eventually was hospitalized for planning suicide with a rope. Afterwards, I ran away to another country and spent a night in jail before returning. Nothing changed much. I barely made it through highschool, I had a short lived girlfriend and a few acquaintances through the girlfriend that all left me after we broke up. Then I hung out with drug dealers but never did marijuanna, I smoked cigarretes occasionally, drank a lot and did shrooms once.
Then I did 2 years of college that only had 300 students in a small town. I was bullied by almost everyone to the point of breakins and property damage and rumours being spread about me. I spent most of this time so, so alone, just video games, again I occasionally hung out with drugdealers but didnt do drugs, I was still suicidal and in so much pain.
Afterwards I moved to the other side of the country. I wanted to try all over again. I did 1 year of college that added on to my education and met so many new people and felt free. I felt happier, excited. I spent 4 years out here with different jobs and towns, i changed so much and had two good friends. Then I got a job working in canadas remote north, where i worked 12 hour days for 14 days straight with 4 days off, and in very remote locations away from home. Very little human contact except my coworker who had some authority over me. This scheduale deteriorated my social life completely, though i enjoyed the work. My coworker was addicted to cocaine and was heavily verbally abusive. He yelled and swore at me every day, constantly sabotaged me, threatened to lie about me and make me lose my job and had me do degrading pointless work and put me in highly dangerous conditions. I tried very hard to prove how good and smart and tough i am, but he was never satisfied, he was always a genius while i was a lazy useless dumbass. I got suicidal again after 2 years of no suicidal thoughts. The winter was coming and this man would make me freeze to death. I tried several times to complain to management and make changes, but they too more or less threatened to dock significant hours if i couldnt put up with it. I took shrooms again, I realized how shit my life and my self hatred was so immense. I spent many days over a month out at the end of a rural road with my shotgun in my mouth, half drunk, burning with rage against who I am. I finally confessed to my oldest sister and my dad after a few years of very little contact. They encouraged me to quit and move home. I said bye to friends and moved home, I kept trying to get a new job but my emotional pain was so strong, again I kept getting close to suicide and couldnt spend time alone without going crazy. After a few months, I landed a job up north again, I said goodbye and hoped this would fix things but after one week I felt even more pointless and alone and I was so close to shooting myself again but confessed and I went to the hospital for a second time. I was there a month because I was not improving from useless meds and i was receiveing no talk therapy, its been half a year and still reveived no therapy. I got some temp jobs, attempted a hanging but no one found out except that i got busted for drinking a full bottle of whiskey alone. My family helped me by getting me a dog who i love so much and is helping a lot. And now here i am, friendless, wasted education, unemployed, in parents basement. Still often considering suicide.
My happiest times in childhood were times spent with my grandpa and time at the cottage with family. My oldest sister has been an incredibly helpful intelligent caring support. Did I experience any kind of trauma? I never was hit or sexually touched, i wasnt poor, my family cared about us to spend so much time with us at our cottage. They did other things with us too. And since i moved home, they have been trying very hard to help me constantly and are supporting me. So i dont feel i can blame them for anything when almost everyone has parents with poor communication and they arent as fucked up as me. How can i sit here blaming them when they treat me better now and im living off of them. Thanks. | 2019-08-19T06:27:29.000Z | csd7wr | 15 | 2 | ptsd | Did I experience trauma? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csd7wr/did_i_experience_trauma/ |
[deleted] | I just need to vent a little here,
I just completed my first round of publicly-funded group therapy, it was so basic I didn't get a thing out of it, it was just a review of everything that wasn't working. The people running the therapy group or so out of date it was laughable.
My second round starts tomorrow, and I found out after that I have I'm not allowed to take any more for 6 months. I asked if there was anything I could do in between, they said they would give me 6 therapy sessions a year. Six sessions a year.......
For five years I've had family support for my psychology, and I'm only now finding out how bad publicly-funded services are. You just see the jackass politician putting these limitations on, thinking that treating 12 patients at the same time as some kind of cost savings.
Last night I started yelling for help during a nightmare and it turns out I was actually yelling and it was so loud I actually woke myself up.
It's funny how some dreams are so easy to interpret. | 2019-08-19T05:56:44.000Z | cscy3l | 29 | 84 | ptsd | Publicly funded mental health is terrible. | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cscy3l/publicly_funded_mental_health_is_terrible/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T05:48:17.000Z | cscvh7 | 5 | 3 | ptsd | How do I completely open up | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cscvh7/how_do_i_completely_open_up/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T04:55:28.000Z | cscdw4 | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Can PTSD be cured without formal therapy and meds?? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cscdw4/can_ptsd_be_cured_without_formal_therapy_and_meds/ |
soimlazy | They're the worst trigger. Helicopters in general, but if I see the bright yellow and it's not just sitting there,l it's a shit show from there. Even when I'm doing "well"
My apartment is way too close to the local hospital. A rural hospital where anything requiring a specialist other than a "normal" cardiologist or orthopedist requires patients to be transferred to the city 100ish miles away.
Almost every night, I have to hear at least one patient be transferred. It's a small town, though, and I have a very limited budget, so finding rentals is extremely difficult.
I hate this. | 2019-08-19T04:35:36.000Z | csc787 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Med-evacs. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csc787/medevacs/ |
handgrenade-princess | I've been abused most of my life. Mom, neighbor, ex's pretty extensive and painful events. Now I have such a hard time believing people. I'm not sure if it's years of being told how awful people are,that no one will ever believe more or just the fact everyone who was suppose to love me and keep me safe didn't and were the main ones to inflict pain. The manipulation I had to weave my way threw makes me look for hidden meanings behind most kind acts or words.
I just want to know that I'm not alone in this.
*this is my first post sorry if it's a rough read | 2019-08-19T03:16:34.000Z | csbe4l | 0 | 2 | ptsd | Ptsd and paranoia | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csbe4l/ptsd_and_paranoia/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T03:07:19.000Z | csbaib | 3 | 2 | ptsd | How can I stop terrible memories from haunting me?? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csbaib/how_can_i_stop_terrible_memories_from_haunting_me/ |
smashedbutter | I love my son. I was in abusive relationship with his father 13 years. My son is 12 now, and we divorced when he was 10. I basically raised him alone, as my partner wasn't interested.
However, today... I see my son looking a bit more like my ex. I've seen a few expressions, I don't know. And makes me feel so so so so scared. I'm not triggered, but scares me a lot. Sometimes makes me sick. I know it's something horrible to say, but I literally get stomachaches out of being worried and scared. And I know it's irrational, since, of course, they will look at least a bit similar. Obviously, it's not his fault and he's awesome. I just can't help myself or my body reactions (I have NEVER said anything to him or make him notice in any way this, of course)
Any advice would be appreciated :( | 2019-08-19T02:42:12.000Z | csb0p4 | 3 | 7 | ptsd | I'm getting slowly more and more scared of my son, the love of my life. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csb0p4/im_getting_slowly_more_and_more_scared_of_my_son/ |
Oopy-soup | I have found that certain dates such as anniversaries and family events set my symptoms in motion. Now that I've found that out how do I stop myself from allowing the triggers effecting me? | 2019-08-19T01:58:40.000Z | csajv2 | 2 | 11 | ptsd | I'm discovering what my triggers are but I'm not sure where to go from there. | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/csajv2/im_discovering_what_my_triggers_are_but_im_not/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-19T00:09:19.000Z | cs9bb1 | 2 | 4 | ptsd | Looking through pictures made me realize how far I had come | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs9bb1/looking_through_pictures_made_me_realize_how_far/ |
cherrygrl7 | The other night I got high (just weed) with my friend and it was the first time in a long time that I hadn’t thought about my trauma, been anxious walking home in the dark or thought about self harm in a long time. I just got home, laid in bed and listened to queen (an on and off trigger of mine). I hadn’t smoked in almost a year before this so it had a big effect on me. It’s been 3 days now and the numbness is creeping back on me and I don’t know how to handle it. I haven’t been able to get out of bed most of the day and my mum’s been concerned. I’ve never been able to talk to her about my mental health or trauma in full detail without feeling awkward or her getting frustrated/dismissing me.
The anxiety and images and trouble sleeping are coming back and I don’t know how to stop them. I miss not thinking about it or being numb to it. Now I have to sit with my thoughts and my past and live with them and after my experience the other night, I really don’t want to anymore but I know I have to. That’s what this illness entails. It’s irritating me knowing I won’t feel like that again in possibly a long time. The experience the other night was so short term but so refreshing. I miss self medicating like I used to but I know it’s just so self destructive in the long run and all I’m doing is avoiding my emotions and thoughts. | 2019-08-18T23:50:21.000Z | cs93n4 | 11 | 17 | ptsd | Missing the self medicating (trigger possibly) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs93n4/missing_the_self_medicating_trigger_possibly/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-18T23:16:21.000Z | cs8p7t | 16 | 98 | ptsd | Watched my father suddenly die in front of me - 8 years later and I’ve just “coped” and done nothing or told anyone about it. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs8p7t/watched_my_father_suddenly_die_in_front_of_me_8/ |
soggiestwaffles | I just went to my grandparents house to see my grandma and other family. My grandpa (who abused me) was there and he put his hands on my shoulders. I thought I could handle being there today, I thought I would be okay. I was wrong. I was sent back in time reliving moments I wish I could forget.
After I left, I couldn’t talk to my mom, I just shut down. I was supposed to go spend time with my dad today but now I am in bed alone and crying. I feel guilty because my dad enjoys spending time with me and I only see him on the weekends.
Both my parents know what happened and I texted my mom telling her what’s going on since I wouldn’t have been able to speak to her without bursting into tears.
She’s talking to my dad for me but I feel like a bad daughter. I feel guilty for not being to be strong enough to get through this and still spend time with my dad.
It all just sucks. | 2019-08-18T22:22:19.000Z | cs824b | 7 | 9 | ptsd | I feel guilty. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs824b/i_feel_guilty/ |
[deleted] | I’ve been helping a friend of mine who has severe PTSD from multiple accounts of rape. It’s almost a year now since we’ve been talking and there has been improvements in her mental health. She is no longer suicidal and haven’t self-harmed in months, which I think is huge.
However, I can’t seem to help her get rid of PTSD. She is asking when will it be over and I can’t answer that question. I found her a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy and she’ll start EMDR in September. I’m going to pay for her sessions. I don’t want to virtue signal, I just say how it is.
I’m just frustrated with the situation ,because I really want her to not suffer from this, but I don’t know what else I can do, it’s been hard for me too because I’m the only one who is supporting her. I’ve been trying to get her to tell it to her family but she said she couldn’t bear the shame and she would kill herself. At the same time I think carrying secrets is a huge weight and it would be better to come clean. | 2019-08-18T20:05:36.000Z | cs6b8b | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Does it ever go away? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs6b8b/does_it_ever_go_away/ |
Rowan0301 | I’m at my grandson’s birthday party and there’s freakin’ balloons... shit. I mean, I should’ve known. He’s 4. But ffs...
Wish me luck, everyone. | 2019-08-18T19:45:55.000Z | cs61k8 | 1 | 10 | ptsd | Oh no... | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs61k8/oh_no/ |
prismaticempress | I’ve been seeing an LMFT for about a month because she is trauma certified and specializes in working with trauma. However I noticed the last two or three appointments she hasn’t been taking any notes, does not give constructive feedback and is very dismissive.
What I mean is she doesn’t really give anything for me to work with or build on, when I mention a traumatic moment in my life she just says “how awful that ___ happened to you” and forgets what I talked about in the last appointment because she doesn’t write anything down.
I told her I used to smoke weed for anxiety and sleep because my doctor doesn’t want me on anxiety meds. She immediately got judgmental and said “why would you smoke weed that’s awful it’s just a temporary fix” “weed does and never will do anything don’t ever smoke again” and would not let me explain that I don’t anymore. I know weed isn’t the greatest choice and isn’t recommended by mental health professionals but I thought she would be somewhat understanding.
I also told her about how abusive my parents are and how I’m considering moving soon, and after everything I told her she said “why would you move is everything fine at home?” But I tell her every week how it’s not fine at home.
Also, whenever I mention how dangerous my ex is/was, she dismisses it saying that “he can’t really do anything with his mental state” but she hasn’t met him or believes me when I tell her everything he was officially diagnosed with. She says he has a different diagnosis but has never met him.
I’ve been thinking of just switching to a different mental health professional, but don’t know how to move forward. I’m just starting to stand up for myself and learning how to put myself first in terms of needs(not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way). What are some questions I can ask at tomorrow’s appointment to determine if I need to get a different therapist or just a psychologist? | 2019-08-18T18:48:16.000Z | cs59kj | 9 | 12 | ptsd | Should I change therapists? Or get a different mental health professional? need advice for therapy | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs59kj/should_i_change_therapists_or_get_a_different/ |
CookingWithPTSD | Hi!
\[Disclaimer: It's a well planed idea to live. I will not do anything stupid. :) The title is poetic, that's all\]
Lately I have really hard time. My memories just came back after some years of migraine induced amnesia. I was basically like a zombie this whole time. And... they are back now! The present is even worse. The future looks bright, I really am hopeful and optimistic. I know who I am now, the illusions they used on me don't hold a grip like before. This is a transcript from my conversation with my sister. Today. I record them now to keep myself in check. My memories are not that good.
Triggers ahead
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My sister just came visiting for a few days, even before she came, she gave me hell for not picking her up at the airport and for being impolite for being sick. \[I am barely keeping it together really\]
After some passive aggressive rants about how she is very sad that I ignore her and I am not there for her, when she calls me. Our last convo was like this: Hey what do you think of this med the doctor prescribed me? (I used to be google before). I say: I am sleeping. Call you tomorrow. Good night. she: ok... next message just so you know, I know you are going through some hardship \[mind you she still refuse to use the word sick\], but I feel terrible that I can't count on you. \[I normally freak out and try to appease her, not this time\].
I tell her in person: I told you I am sick. I can't drive right now, that would be dangerous to the people around me.
She: Yes. I understand, but you know I had high temperature and I was alone at the airport. I am very sad that I can't count on you at all and you are unreliable.
\[Normally, I freak out and try to appease her, not this time, this time I chose surrender\]
Me: Yes, as I told you already, I have PTSD. I can't drive, you can't count on me, I am unreliable. I am sick. Please, accept it.
Her: What do you mean I have to accept it! I accept it! I just want you to accept it.
\[I do the grey rock and start the 54321\]
Me: Look a those blue clouds. What a nice contrast with the green.
\[Silent treatment. No reaction.\]
I play dumb and resume the conversation and tell her about the 54321 and how happy I am in therapy.
\[Silent treatment\]
After a while she turns and leans over me with a smile, but without smile in her eyes. She asks, no she demands:
I want you to ask you something very serious and I want you to be honest with me!
\[I prepare myself, this is going to be good, what attack am I now to expect\]
Me: Okay, sure.
Her: Are you suicidal?
Me: Starts laughing
\[Internally I remember the memories that flooded not long ago of the psychopath ex who was raping me till I fucking faint and how now I need to tie myself to the bed, because I am afraid my other me is going to jump from terror. This is nervous laughter\]
Me: Of course not!
Her: This is not a laughing matter. Don't laugh \[oh, how she likes controlling all my emotions like that\] My mom told me on the phone that you told her.
\[hm... breach of confidence. She refers to a previous conversation with mother where she was yelling at me for not doing my job and for not believing me that I am sick, if I am sick, spoiler, I actually pop pills like crazy and do an awesome job despite my impossible state of mind, I love my work! I have made some great improvements! I love lean management! She also yells the same thing, that I am unreliable and that she will get sick if she works so much and I can't keep going home and sleeping till late, I go again, I am sick, she: if you are sick... after some time I snapped and I said I worry that I will jump out of the window if that goes on, I didn't know that they were abusing me at this point, I just found out, I am writing this to keep myself in check till I find a local therapist. It's very hard with these people. I am on guard all the time\]
I start gas-lighting and tell her that she isn't right. That we were just fighting and blah blah. Internally bleeding from this breach of trust.
After some time of dual gas lighting, she begins telling me the same old story that how she understand that I am sick that she understands that my brain is not working, but I need to understand too that you know physically, like an infection, like what she has, a virus, not like you in the head, can happen to mom. She can get a infection like me. She doesn't have time to rest, you know!
Me: But she is now taking vacation and climbing mountains 4000 meters with father, I don't think that corresponds with the truth and I am here working!
She: We won't talk about that anymore. You just don't get it.
\[silent treatment\]
After some time she starts talking about her friend and how he has depression and he is on anti-depressant and how she understands us both very well, because you see, she had panic attacks and depression and she get better without pills. I know how it's like.
Me: If the doctor prescribes me pills, I will take pills. I trust doctors more than you.
She gets angry: Let's not talk about that anymore. You know I went through hell this night, I was really sick you know, coughing whole night, that's why I waked you haha.
Me: You sure did.
She: and anyway... rant about her disease, which is real. Mine is in my head.
I submit. I hear her with empathy and I ask her questions with attention to her needs to be heard. I think, wow, it must be nice to be at the receiving end of this, huh? She forced me into submission. Into the supportive character. I give her a compliment about her beautiful blouse, she smiles with joy.
It's very nice getting compliments and not get belittled all the time.
To get attention, instead of making fun of your clumsiness.
That's a sign of trauma, you know.
To get noticed, not scolded, when you try to jump out of the window.
I was having PTSD, I met pedophile in kindergarten. What normal kid would just jump out of the window. Why did no one notice?
To be heard and consoled, not ignored.
I cut my face, when I was 14, I told everyone I got hit by a car, I didn't know how to say that I hated my image in the mirror.
My father said with scorn "That is not for a crash cash"
End of conversation. Why did nobody sea the signs?Why did they left me alone with predators.
Why weren't they there to comfort me, when I needed them?
Why whenever they saw pain in my eyes, they will react in those three ways "For how long have we been telling you to go to a doctor? But I have been to many? Do you know that there are people worse than you?"
Why couldn't you say what I say, when I see hurt in your eyes. I am sorry, it's not your fault, next time you will learn from your mistake and go to a doctor sooner.
Why did nobody explained to me that it's okay to say no?
Why weren't you there to listen to me after my first rape?
After the next ones...
You were never there!
You keep blaming me for being not good enough, for never paying enough attention to your needs, for beeing unable for caring for my own. My no is totally ignored all the time. I need to say no to my sister at least 5 times, till she leave me be. And I am being rude. I have been raped and brutalised. My family says "Don't talk about these things, you are making people uncomfortable?"
How?
With my very existence?
No, more. I am getting the fuck out of here.
I am cutting them off and I am never going back. Just need to be a grey rock a bit longer.
If anybody made it that far, than you for reading!
Have a great day and never give up! It's not you! | 2019-08-18T13:45:44.000Z | cs1d5s | 2 | 5 | ptsd | A future farewell to my sister [TRIGGERS] | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cs1d5s/a_future_farewell_to_my_sister_triggers/ |
LesBeTogether | There’s this BBC podcast called After: Surviving sexual assault and it’s full of wonderful people telling their stories. There’s two episodes per interviewee a Then and a Now. If you struggle hearing the ins and outs of abuse there is no shame or harm in skipping to the Now episode. There you’ll hear all about accomplishments, coping strategies and life updates from folk who are learning to heal.
I showed the podcast to my partner and she loves it. She really likes hearing tips on how to stay grounded when your triggered. Anyway it’s just a good resource! You can find it on apple podcasts or at this link https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07fzbg8/episodes/downloads | 2019-08-18T08:19:41.000Z | cryny5 | 4 | 8 | ptsd | Podcast about life after S Assault | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cryny5/podcast_about_life_after_s_assault/ |
Sugarplums01 | hi guys. everything kinda sucks. like usual im numb completely. my sleep is nonexistent as i can't take my medication for at least another day. When in the hospital i drifted in and out of consciousness and had no concept of time as i didn't have my phone and there wasn't a clock in my ward. every sound is louder. Im still very shakey. Its hard to walk. And everything i do hurts.. my eating varies from refusing all food/drink all day to eating bowls of cereal (which i hate) in my kitchen at 3:30 am. my sister is home. Both her and my mom haven't spoken to me since the thurday night (when i overdosed) my dad is better. my friends who know havent contacted me at all (which i honestly dont know if im grateful or sad) and family friends all super religious call. again idk how to face any of them. I still am in a purgatory. Its like now i decide whether i live or die. i don't know if i want to die but i sure as hell dont want to continue w fear and mental illnesses and being fucked over. Sorry for the ramble, any advice? Stay safe loves <3
Also sorry if its annoying i post this in r/ptsd its because all my diagnoses are from having ptsd first. and it was a trigger from past trauma that caused my mental breakdown and attempted suicide. | 2019-08-18T07:51:02.000Z | cryglt | 0 | 4 | ptsd | OD update pt2: No sleep. Shakey. Hypersensitive. Lonely. And Numb ? | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cryglt/od_update_pt2_no_sleep_shakey_hypersensitive/ |
mewmai | My brother is a former marine and he drank too much. He’s trying to pick a fight after saying, “ he’s in the breach we have to get him out”. We don’t know how to calm him down. We are at a lost at what to do. How do we tell him he needs help. | 2019-08-18T06:28:29.000Z | crxubl | 0 | 8 | ptsd | Brother former marine, drank too much is experiencing episode. What to do? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crxubl/brother_former_marine_drank_too_much_is/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-18T06:17:43.000Z | crxrc7 | 2 | 4 | ptsd | Loud Noises | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crxrc7/loud_noises/ |
AyFoatay | Episode 167: Posttraumatic Growth with Dr. Laura Copley by The Hardcore Self Help Podcast with Duff the Psych
https://player.fm/1wuxVR | 2019-08-18T06:00:29.000Z | crxm7h | 1 | 5 | ptsd | I don't know if this podcast episode will benefit anyone but it really helped me put somethings in perspective so I thought I'd share | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crxm7h/i_dont_know_if_this_podcast_episode_will_benefit/ |
MonsoonQueen | I've been in talk therapy now for 4 months. It is helping. I have a lot of chronic health issues. We spend so much time talking about those that it's hard to talk about past trauma. One in particular is terrifying and caused by(we think) a DV incident with an ex of mine. I feel so unprepared to deal with it. I have to take medication everyday for it, and carry an emergency injection in case I go into what they call "adrenal crisis." I'm so afraid. I don't think the fear ever goes away. I'm not sure if it will. I'm terrified of dying. I'm terrified of dying alone. I'm terrified of being away from my support system.
The other day, I finally sat down and typed out a list of all of my traumas. Not the medical related ones, but all the other stuff. And I sent it to my therapist. I've never ever shared it with any kind of therapist before in its entirety. It is so so so scary to put it all out into the open. I hope someday this all leads to some kind of healing. | 2019-08-18T05:56:57.000Z | crxl6l | 0 | 9 | ptsd | Not sure where to start, but I will nonetheless | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crxl6l/not_sure_where_to_start_but_i_will_nonetheless/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-18T05:21:37.000Z | crxabw | 0 | 1 | ptsd | DAE feel like their PTSD makes new traumas harder to work through? What has helped you work through fresh traumas? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crxabw/dae_feel_like_their_ptsd_makes_new_traumas_harder/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-18T04:37:28.000Z | crww7i | 3 | 6 | ptsd | anyone have any experience with scratching? TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crww7i/anyone_have_any_experience_with_scratching/ |
ItsTooPeopleyOutside | Recently, I found a picture way back (this happened 10 years ago this week) in my Facebook that my abuser took of me. In it, I'm wearing a necklace with his class ring on it that he made me wear every day. It was his way of showing me who I belonged to. He'd get very upset if you caught me without it! It was one of the hardest things for me to get over. I've told my story and talked about my past plenty of times, but always leave that part out. When I saw that picture, something broke inside me. So many emotions and memories came flooding back - even some new memories!
I'm back to being scared to leave the house alone, nightmares every time I fall asleep if I even get sleep, looking over my shoulder, jumping every time someone knocks or my phone rings...all those things that I had to get past after I first got out. I feel like I'm fresh out of it all over again :( The last 6 months I've been doing great! Then out of freaking no where I'm doing worse than I have in nearly 7 years!
Does it ever ACTUALLY get better? Will it always be just a 4 months of doing okay, 1 month great then 2 years falling apart cycle?? How the hell do you put your life back together when you can't make it stop falling apart long enough to stand back up? | 2019-08-18T04:34:35.000Z | crwv8c | 0 | 4 | ptsd | I feel like I'm starting over... | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crwv8c/i_feel_like_im_starting_over/ |
cloudsunmoon | So as a teen, I would sleep walk, scream in my sleep, have night terrors, and sometimes barricade the door in my sleep. I would literally wake up the next day and have no memory of moving furniture.
As you could imagine, I did not like slumber parties because I worried my friends would think I was weird. Even on a good day, I was at risk of talking in my sleep, or sleeping with my eyes open. Embarrassing!!
Anyways, most of my sleep symptoms have died down now that I’m an adult. I do sometimes have night terrors. But I went on a girls trip last weekend, and they asked me if I normally slept with my eyes open. I thought I was over that habit :(
This seems like it could be a PTSD thing, but also I didn’t find much on google. Does anyone else with PTSD sleep with their eyes open? | 2019-08-18T04:31:19.000Z | crwu30 | 3 | 5 | ptsd | Does anyone else sleep with their eyes open? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crwu30/does_anyone_else_sleep_with_their_eyes_open/ |
hgonzalez00 | I have no idea where my life is going. For the past 4-5 years I haven't been able to keep a job. I feel like everything is going well and then they tell me that it's not working out. I start to wonder if I've done something at these jobs that I can't remember. Then after I'm let go I start to deal with all the emotions of not being good enough, being used, not wanting to live anymore and disappointing my family once again. I've struggled with depression and I think PTSD for most of my adult adult life. I'm easily frustrated and have no patience, I feel like I'm always ignored and I've gotten where I hate to hear people talk when I'm trying to focus. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going down the rabbit hole and there is no end. Please .. I need some advise. Thanks! | 2019-08-18T04:31:06.000Z | crwu0c | 6 | 3 | ptsd | Can't keep a job and tired of this viscous cycle | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crwu0c/cant_keep_a_job_and_tired_of_this_viscous_cycle/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-18T03:52:32.000Z | crwghv | 7 | 44 | ptsd | Just want to celebrate | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crwghv/just_want_to_celebrate/ |
gavein878 | [removed] | 2019-08-18T03:38:23.000Z | crwbb5 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | painkillers | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crwbb5/painkillers/ |
[deleted] | It comes in waves. I can feel myself fighting the memory and then before I know it, I dissociate and get locked in that mental space of that memory and then I start crying and have to use soothing tools I learned in therapy.
I've done one round of EMDR and I thought I was getting somewhat better because I haven't had an "episode" as I just described in a few weeks. I no longer cry myself to sleep in fetal position. I'm also 2 months into lexapro and sober from all substances for 87 days so that could help too.
Not sure what to think now. Maybe some more EMDR is needed. It does feel like my brain has a harder time going down that memory lane though.. so that's why I thought maybe the EMDR did something
Anyone relate or any tips ? | 2019-08-18T03:26:31.000Z | crw6zm | 0 | 3 | ptsd | How I can describe ptsd | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crw6zm/how_i_can_describe_ptsd/ |
nuggethoneybear | Alright, internet, I have zero friends and I need your help.
My best and only friend is my fiance and he has PTSD and served 7 years in the Marine Corps.
I'm learning more than I'd like to about PTSD and it goes so much deeper than I originally thought.
He started yet another argument with me tonight and when I wouldn't fight back he took his .45 and went out in the woods. I don't know if he's coming back. This has happened too many times before and I am scared but this time I am not chasing him. It's bait.
I have learned a lot about PTSD recently and it's clearly an issue I should have sought help for years ago but I am not perfect.
I want to understand.
I swear I'm not this type of female to do this regularly but when he went off tonight I stole his phone to look for clues on what was last on his mind before he went AWOL.
Well be careful what you wish for.
Not trying to put his business out there and I feel like a sneaky piece of shit for snooping but this poor man looks at nothing but fallen heroes and Marine warfare and he talks to 2 Marines from his platoon (already knew this) but it's all misery. "Shoulda been me", "Same shit same whiskey brother", *fallen military tribute video.
This poor man is hurting in a way I can never understand and it just hurts so much and all I want to do is help him.
I know the first rule to recovery is to want to change. He's not even there yet.
With my experience with addicts, he has to hit rock bottom to want to change. I hate the thought of things getting worse for him.
Marines. What can I do to help? | 2019-08-18T02:43:55.000Z | crvr9v | 4 | 1 | ptsd | My best friend has PTSD and I just want to help him. | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crvr9v/my_best_friend_has_ptsd_and_i_just_want_to_help/ |
Voldo_ate_my_sister | Ok so I had a left over pain killer from a oral surgery. Was having a chill day so at night I said what the hell, and popped it. Now, my ass has done this b4 but now that my therapist is trying to get me to “pay attention and notice my emotions instead of going all reptile” I never noticed it b4 but, it shut everything up. Like when you walk outside after a fresh snow. Shit was quiet for the first time in months. No Hypervigilance, no nagging voice telling me how every move I make is an embarrassment, no checking every room in the house 100 times. I could actually sit on my couch for more than 10 minutes.
Now. I know how this ends. I’m out and not looking. But. Is there something else that can do this? Anyone on meds that can tell me it’s possible to get it all to shut the fuck up. Or is that what it’s like when you “work through it” is that what a normal brain is like? Is that achievable wo an opioid? | 2019-08-18T02:16:03.000Z | crvh0k | 13 | 2 | ptsd | What else works to make it “quiet” *TW opioids | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crvh0k/what_else_works_to_make_it_quiet_tw_opioids/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-18T02:03:22.000Z | crvc8l | 5 | 2 | ptsd | Sitting with my glock | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crvc8l/sitting_with_my_glock/ |
[deleted] | I'm sorry if it doesn"t seem as serious as some of them here. But, i had a very stupid and specific trigger.
I feel nauseous when a door slap. I feel like i going back to some memories i had, and i can't do anything to fight again them.
I try my best to keep my cool, be normal as possible. But it's exhausting, and sometimes, i can become emotionnal and violent because i feel aggressed and very bad. (can have some pulsion of self harm etc). And often, people can't understand. Saying i am just an attention seeker etc. So i repress everytime.
My stress is all aroung very loud noise like door slamming, trains, screams, sound of hit.
I don't know if it's good to repress or not. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, BPD and Social Anxiety. I am not in any therapies or medicament. | 2019-08-18T01:26:57.000Z | cruyn6 | 1 | 1 | ptsd | I feel bad for having some trigger. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cruyn6/i_feel_bad_for_having_some_trigger/ |
IceColdLavaSunshine | I have a lot of trauma from gunfire, and thought I finally found a quiet suburb to escape them (except, of course, nearly the whole month of July and weeks before in June). Unfortunately, a stadium sets off such loud fireworks I hear them with music on inside my home and miles away where they can't even be seen. It leaves me shaking and crying up to hours and on edge for days. I called and complained, but no one has ever listened to me this far in my life, so I was hoping to find a group advocating for an end to (or at least quieter) fireworks. Does anyone know who can help me with this advocacy? | 2019-08-18T01:23:29.000Z | cruxaq | 4 | 3 | ptsd | Any Movements to End Fireworks? | 0.72 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cruxaq/any_movements_to_end_fireworks/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T23:09:47.000Z | crtfww | 25 | 94 | ptsd | Why do I get such a strong urge to view things that I know will trigger me? | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crtfww/why_do_i_get_such_a_strong_urge_to_view_things/ |
A-R-Snow | So I'm 19 years old, male.
Thunderstorms make me really anxious and sad/depressed. I had a traumatic event when I was a kid during a thunderstorm and now everytime i hear/see thunder i get really anxious. My breathing gets fast and i feel like a pit in my stomach (kinda like when you are falling on a rollercoaster, but not fun at all.) I feel really bad for my girlfriend because I get really difficult and emotional. I know she understands, but i still feel bad for it and try to keep it together but sometimes I just can't. Any advice? | 2019-08-17T21:17:49.000Z | crs3k6 | 4 | 7 | ptsd | PTSD during thunderstorms | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crs3k6/ptsd_during_thunderstorms/ |
fun_struggle | Tomorrow I'm driving down to Connecticut where I (16f) grew up and experienced most of my childhood trauma for a family party/gathering/whatevs. A crash course on my life (the traumatic parts): I grew up with two angry, violent parents who fought physically and verbally with each other and never really noticed me or my younger brother. In school I was bullied a lot because I was smart and quiet (I was diagnosed with asperger's but not yet). When I was seven my parents went through a messy divorce, and afterwards they took their anger out on me. In seventh grade, when I was 12, a teacher sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions. The summer later my dad died. In the middle of eighth grade we moved into my dad's old house, and when I went to boarding school for ninth grade, my family moved to Maine.
So basically I'm revisiting my shitty childhood, and the party is at my dad's old house (I'm renting it out to my aunt because I can't technically own it until I'm 18). I'm not excited, well a little because my extended family is okay to be around and I haven't seen them in a while, but just the thought of being back there is giving me the chills, especially considering that my mom, who was even more abusive back then than she is now, will be with me.
Just thinking about this party has made me jittery, anxious, and all-around not good. I thought that I'd put all that behind me when we moved away but I guess not. I have an icky feeling. | 2019-08-17T21:02:54.000Z | crrwqi | 3 | 3 | ptsd | I'm visiting the town where I grew up tomorrow. | 0.8 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crrwqi/im_visiting_the_town_where_i_grew_up_tomorrow/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T20:31:19.000Z | crrifh | 1 | 2 | ptsd | What if triggers are constant and beyond avoidance? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crrifh/what_if_triggers_are_constant_and_beyond_avoidance/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T20:05:38.000Z | crr6ud | 33 | 20 | ptsd | Does CBD/Medical marijuana help anyone here with symptoms? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crr6ud/does_cbdmedical_marijuana_help_anyone_here_with/ |
hufflepups | No matter how much they abused you or broke you. That feeling of wanting your mother.... I don't think that feeling will ever leave me. I've cut contact with my entire family.
I don't want her but just that feeling of wanting a mother. Of someone who remembers what you were like as a kid. Because I don't anymore. I've forgotten what I was like as I kid. It's all just blank
I feel like I've voluntarily made myself an orphan and am grieving the love that I never truly knew. Idk I sound crazy... I'm sorry | 2019-08-17T19:14:34.000Z | crqjiv | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I don't know kinda of a vent | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crqjiv/i_dont_know_kinda_of_a_vent/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T16:19:39.000Z | cro8ha | 0 | 1 | ptsd | PTSD from relationship | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cro8ha/ptsd_from_relationship/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T14:56:16.000Z | crn44c | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Whenever anyone talks to me in a condescending way I go into instant panic | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crn44c/whenever_anyone_talks_to_me_in_a_condescending/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T14:35:56.000Z | crmw2a | 8 | 1 | ptsd | Back with vengeance, flashbacks galore, advice welcome | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crmw2a/back_with_vengeance_flashbacks_galore_advice/ |
Starfire911 | How Does someone who's been raped multiple times and abused find a realtionship? I'm 22 years old female and i haven't had any relationships and im scared ill die alone. is it even possible to be intimate with another person with my past? | 2019-08-17T14:21:09.000Z | crmqbq | 6 | 1 | ptsd | *TRIGGER WARNING* | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crmqbq/trigger_warning/ |
bbbybrggs | I feel like such a huge burden on everyone I know. I just want to feel okay, I feel like I’m being choked by guilt | 2019-08-17T13:44:29.000Z | crmavv | 4 | 14 | ptsd | Tired of feeling guilty for existing | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crmavv/tired_of_feeling_guilty_for_existing/ |
Fryzot | It's almost a year since I had to quit my meds. Since then, I've been to hell again and again, but also made a lot of progress in therapy. My health seems to be better than ever now, but one thing persists:
I always get episodes of hypervigilance and extreme aggressiveness. I'm always looking for a threat, thinking "If this guy looks funny at me I'm gonna rip his face off ". Of course I don't want to hurt anyone and have never done so in my adult life.
I call this my "fight mode".
I have the suspicion that quitting my meds messed with my hormone levels or something. That I put on a significant amount of muscle mass while simultaneously losing fat, which shouldn't really be possible at my training level points in that direction. Are maybe my testosterone levels too high? Or is that really just in my mind?
These hypervigilant states are extremely exhausting. I usually let this excessive energy out through training, often to the point where I accept injury as a side effect.
Does anyone experience something similar? | 2019-08-17T13:18:30.000Z | crm0w3 | 6 | 5 | ptsd | Hypervigilance and aggressivity | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crm0w3/hypervigilance_and_aggressivity/ |
Sugarplums01 | hi today will be my first full day at home after suicide attempt. I don't feel genuine emotion ie just numb always. i'll laugh or smile but theres nothing behind it. I don't know if I want to die, or want to live. Its like an odd in-between like purgatory or the 0 on a Cartier plane. It is nothing. I'm constantly disassociating. I don't think ive processed the last day and a half. physically im always shaking which is due to the shit in my blood and not eating probably. I have no one i can talk to. If anyone has had a similar experience how did you pus through? how do you not feel numb? stay safe loves <3
**EDIT:** holy shit IV lines hurt like how the hell does one just casually rip that shit out? Get the fuck outta here! | 2019-08-17T12:54:55.000Z | crlsfi | 8 | 4 | ptsd | OD update: numbness, dissasociation | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crlsfi/od_update_numbness_dissasociation/ |
SunnyRae97 | TW: talk of abusive and sexual assault.
My first set of trauma was abuse from the ages 0-4. My dad was very abusive. His friends took advantage of me. He threatened my life daily. Ended up being gaslighted and sexually harassed from 6-17
I have always been in ptsd chatrooms and communities. But I haven’t met someone who was born into abuse. I know others have. I know people have had it worse or it never got better. And i wish no one had to go through that similar of a situation but most people who talk about ptsd have a before. A sense of self before the trauma. I don’t and sometimes feel really alone because of it. Disconnected. | 2019-08-17T09:17:37.000Z | crjy6c | 4 | 5 | ptsd | Preschool PTSD | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crjy6c/preschool_ptsd/ |
fukinlovemothsbeech | I feel like throwing my relationship away, I feel like we go into a viscous cycle and I’m talking to a brick wall. We are both intense people. The arguments we get into are so mean with words, and they remind me of past arguments with past abusers. Not calling him an abuser. I love him but I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel heard. I feel like I’ve put in so much effort in fixing things.
My triggers are one after the other, I feel dissociative, I feel paranoid, I’m irritable and emotional. Smells are the worst triggers for me, I’m more hypervigiliant that working is difficult. Talking to people is difficult. And I feel physically sick.
I haven’t been able to see my therapist in a while which sucks, my dr put me on lamictal recently.
I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, I feel self destructive. At the same time I’m trying to beat old coping habits.
Edit sleeping also sucks bc the nightmares. Flashbacks. Even tho it’s just a dream they are always vivid. I feel like I ca t get a break. Trying not to turn to substances or other harmful things that use to help temporarily. I just want to be gone for a while. | 2019-08-17T06:27:57.000Z | crilvo | 0 | 4 | ptsd | Triggers everywhere right now. Relationship isn’t changing, emotional, new meds, a big ol rant fest | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crilvo/triggers_everywhere_right_now_relationship_isnt/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T06:17:56.000Z | criiwp | 10 | 1 | ptsd | Is it true that right after moving away from the environment/place that caused ur PTSD, u will slowly forget everything related to it and life will be a fresh new start? | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/criiwp/is_it_true_that_right_after_moving_away_from_the/ |
mjobby | I tried TRE a few months ago once. It seemed like it has potential but the class kinda scared me off. Tried it at home a couple times and couldnt get myself to shake (used to be a runner / lifter so it takes a while for quads to shake)
Before trying again wanted to see if others had experiences
Thanks | 2019-08-17T05:28:34.000Z | cri3qb | 0 | 5 | ptsd | TRE - trauma releasing exercises | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cri3qb/tre_trauma_releasing_exercises/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T04:41:33.000Z | crhnzb | 0 | 1 | ptsd | What meds have helped your PTSD the most? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crhnzb/what_meds_have_helped_your_ptsd_the_most/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T04:08:14.000Z | crhbnw | 5 | 10 | ptsd | Do you have a seasonal trigger? How do you cope? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crhbnw/do_you_have_a_seasonal_trigger_how_do_you_cope/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-17T04:03:57.000Z | crha53 | 6 | 8 | ptsd | I’ve lost it. | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crha53/ive_lost_it/ |
Sugarplums01 | **Hi sorry, its a huge ramble I haven't really processed this yet.)** TW: Depression, ptsd, eating disorders, bpd.
got into a huge argument w my sister. something triggered my ptsd and i snapped just started sobbing and saying "I'll kill you, I'll kill you" my dad to restrain me and she started laughing and proceeded to record my mental breakdown. idk how but i was in my room. started cutting for relief and then swallowed all my pills. i was so tired of constant pain and fear, verbal abuse/physical etc. the rest is a blur. all of a sudden theres EMTs and police officers in my room/ hall 12 in total. my puppy scared just started growling and barking like mad. I got up but couldn't really wa;k . i remember one guy saying "shes wobbling shit", another saying he had found my 4 bottles of meds and that they were all empty. and one saying he had found my health card. i couldn't walk but finally made it downstairs. they put me on a stretcher then in the ambulance and i was shocked to see like 5 police cruisers in front. they talked to me and the whole thing was a blur for the rest of the night. I had an IV type thing (no stomach pumping) the number of meds I took wasn't enough to do serious damage. My dad was there i remember kinda slipping in and out of sleep and he cried for a bit. Woke up the next morning/today and was alone. my dad had left. throughout the day my sister and mom didn't bother to see or ask about me. after IV, blood work, vitals, were done I was medically cleared (still had this iv) and was moved to the where mental health patients are instead of ER. I was alone there for more than 8 hours. I didn't have a phone, book, etc, only my shoes, and sweater wore over the hospital gown. I refused all food and drink (respectively) cause I knew my stomach couldnt handle it also my eating disorder which they loved to bring up;\_;
I had no one w me. eventually, my dad came in the evening, and after 2ish hours i got cleared by a psychiatrist and finally went home. i don't even think it hit me what happened. im in pain and am super tired but i keep on disassociating. i just want to feel normal, but all i am is numb. my sister and i are back on speaking terms but haven't spoken about it, and my dad told me i did it for attention. mom told ppl i was in the hospital idk if she told them why. shes extremely abusive and im scared of what she might have said. 2 of my/sister's friends know i think... idk what to do. sorry its a ramble. how do i tell my best friend who is out of the country or other ppl?! how do i face ppl? | 2019-08-17T03:50:27.000Z | crh51q | 5 | 4 | ptsd | Overdosed last night. was taken to hospital, woke up /spent the day alone/ what do i say to friends, coworkers, etc? | 0.7 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crh51q/overdosed_last_night_was_taken_to_hospital_woke/ |
[deleted] | [removed] | 2019-08-17T03:26:43.000Z | crgw7v | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Want to join "Ups & Downs"? A Discord community accepting of all users (4000+)! We offer discussion from a range of topics including mental health, life and recovering from addiction, as well as active voice chats. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crgw7v/want_to_join_ups_downs_a_discord_community/ |
ChocolateSenpai5 | Sharing my "tragic" backstory really does comfort me for some reason.
I have depression and PTSD, I have been dealing with these emotions since I was a kid. I find now that sharing my story helps.
I know others have it worse than me. I know this, but I find it so unbearable sometimes to even look at myself. People tell me I overcame such hard ships in my life and that I'm strong but I'm truly not. I'm so weak.
I will write this out and it's going to be about my life. I will not proof read it so I'm sorry if it's unbearable to read but please, try.
My professional life is very well, just got a 2019 Sentra, got a high paying job after OfficeDepot closed it's doors May 18, 2019, I can buy whatever I want - I have an "endless" library of video games between my high end gaming PC, Xbox One, PS4, Switch, 3DS, etc.
But, my personal life is in PIECES. Utter fucking pieces, 2018 was such a hard fucking year for me.
At age 5, my dad and mother were arguing about candy that fell in the seats. They both looked down to find it, an older white homeless man was J walking. I saw him, I could of said something but I didn't understand. I had just started watching Dragon Ball Z, I figured the man would stop the car or just fly over it.
He ended up dying. My dad was sent to jail for a year I believe, in that time frame of him being gone my mother started doing drugs. By the time my dad got out of jail it was already too late, but he stayed. Everything, everything went down hill from there.
I was abused, sexually, emotionally, and physically. By both parents, my dad was just hurting from what my mother did. Different men would come in and out of our apartment and if I said something my mother said she'd give me away. I closed my mouth, and my dad beat me for it. ( I just realized saying this, is why I grew up to have a big fucking mouth. That gets me in trouble sometimes, I've learned everything doesn't need to be repeated )
By the time I was 11, a man I considered a step father abused me. His name was James ( This is VERY important ) it ruined me. It's probably the reason I like older men, I have such daddy issues. I don't hate people named James, it's just a name. You don't choose it. I know, but I always keep my distance from people named James because it's just too much of a big trigger. Anyway, fast forward.
I'm 13, I'm alone in a hospital and my parents just walk away. They forgot or got high, I dunno. I ended up going into a foster home, I went in and out of about 4 homes. My final home was a family friend, I met him and his son at the LGBT Center I went to - he saw what was happening and got licensed to take care of me. I thought my life was finally changing, finally. I was going to be loved.
I got there and things were different. Because of my past I was a high risk kid ( I was the EASIEST high risk kid Las Vegas has ever seen. I knew if I acted up no one would want me, so I was "yes ma'am" "yes sir" "how can I help you" ) He got loads of money taking care of me at basically nooo...problem I guess. That word works. But, he introduced us to marijuana and alcohol. I'm pro marijuana, it's the fact of how and why he did it. I was scared of any and all drugs because of my mother, but if I didn't smoke I wasn't part of the family - literally. No allowances, I couldn't sit down when they had family discussions - everything. I had to smoke, thats the part was toxic. After I got "addicted" at the time I thought it was fucking AMAZING, but I realize now it was awful. I wasted my summers high out of my mind, at home playing video games. I didn't get my license until I was 22, I wasn't being prepared for the real world - at age 18 the easy money stopped so he kicked me out. He did try to get me into stripping, I made 300 on my first dance and he took 200 of it. So I left, he was just going to use me! He didn't even adopt me like he promised me!
I escaped, I "lost" my virginity to a older man - he was actually the father of one of my High School friends. I lived with him for 3 years, my only issue was that our lives were just going in different directions. He has SO many kids but never got the real chance to be a father, the mother of 3 of his kids got fed up when they turned 18 so they all lived with him. He got his chance to be a father and took it, I respect that. His kids stole from us left and right. I was so depressed, I came home from work just to have my shit stolen then he takes it out on me, I thought...what's the point? Since he was older he supplied me with alcohol. I became an alcoholic, I finally admitted this. Wow.
Anyway, he broke with me around my birthday. I was upset but not upset, I was fed up with our relationship for a while but didn't know where to go or what to do. He did help me get my first job, first car, he taught me how to drive, first credit card(s), bank account etc. He taught me everything, I appreciate it.
I was working at Office Depot for 3 years, I fell in love. I really fell head over heels for my manager, but. He was a MANAGER, so no knew. I never even told him I loved him, we exchanged gifts and more. I felt happy, I actually felt fucking happy. February 2018 I asked him to be mine, I was going to bartending school. After I completed it I was going to change jobs ( that was the agreement, one of us has to change jobs ) Since we both still worked at Office Depot he said no. I was so mad lol. March 15, 2018 my childhood best friend asked me out. I said SURE! Why fucking not?? March 20th, 2018 - 5 days later. My favorite number, I was informed that my manager had died. I was DESTROYED. That night I slept with my boyfriend and let him came in me, I got pregnant and gave my son my managers name. I can't believe my boyfriend let me. I don't know what I was thinking, I was hoping reincarnation was thing but he's my son sooooo?? I'm a dumbass, I don't fucking think.
It's 2019 now. I had a mental breakdown 3 weeks ago and had a plan to kill myself but my now ex boyfriend called the cops and got me admitted to the hospital. I got out the hospital and thought I was fine, went back to work and even took my son 4 days out of the week. But this past week has been hard. Really hard. When I made this post last night, I was running on no sleep, I had been up for 24 hours already and was just leaving for an 8 hour shift at work. I tried to close my eyes and all I could think about was dying. I kept saying "give em the strength" but I didn't know if it was the strength to end it or to keep going.
I've been watching videos and looking stuff here, I always do that. A new video game I like is coming out, better fucking spoil myself and look up videos, wikia pages and reddit pages. It's the same for anime, I started doing it for suicide....I was really scared but today for some reason I feel better. I did get some sleep finally, today is my Friday so I can just relax after this shift is over.
Thank you for listening.
By the way, my manager - my sons name.
It's James. | 2019-08-16T23:18:44.000Z | cre61v | 1 | 5 | ptsd | My Story | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cre61v/my_story/ |
schro1995 | I am getting EMDR therapy for a few months now, and it's working very well on my traumatic memories of the violent relationship I was in for 5 years (like, really, it's amazing).
I've got a new problem now: a lot of childhood memories come back to me, in flashbacks. I am realising my childhood was in fact traumatic and that my parents were violents and that I was in denial all this time.
I was often wondering why saying "I love you" was impossible to me... And now I know. And I am furious.
I need to get it of my chest but I can't rant too much IRL because I feel so angry towards my family my friends and SO would not recognize me.
the first memory is from my teenage years. I must have been 13 or 14 years old, and I was having (what I thought I was) my first panick attack.
I remember being on the couch, not being able to speak or move and being totally numb, frozen in fear.
I remember both my parents looking at me apathetically, wondering if I really needed a ride to the hospital. They were both high.
I remember my father saying, "Either she has an panick attack and it will stop or she overdoses and it's well done for her face".
I remember they called the hospital to check if "it didn't bother too much".
I remember the slaps my mother gave me in the car, because she was too high and thought I was not breathing.
But above all, I remember that when I arrived I was directly taken care of, put in an observation room with a nurse who stayed with me all the time. I remember having a transfusion, but I don't remember the product. I remember not being able to walk after that.
I remember that I was really shocked by the nurse's attitude, who was kind, and I didn't understand why.
I also remember the fear I had when I got home, and asking my parents if I had to go to school the next day. I was exhausted, I was afraid, and I was afraid of my parents, always high.
At the end of the session, my therapist asked me a question that still torments me: "Do you think they would have taken you in emergency care directly upon your arrival, in a separate observation room, with a nurse who stayed from beginning to end if it had only been an panick attack?"
I still don't know what really happened that night. I just know that I want to have as little contact as possible with my family.
My whole family was aware of my parent's situation, and did nothing for me. I feel like all of my life I was the "toy child", the "good child" the one you raise to be a pride, and when it has a problem, you just throw it away. I just hate them, it comes from my whole body. | 2019-08-16T20:22:45.000Z | crbxf9 | 6 | 4 | ptsd | traumatic childhood memories and EMDR | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/crbxf9/traumatic_childhood_memories_and_emdr/ |
BluMadchen | The meds, the therapy, it's working. I can do more than function. I can enjoy my life. I'm excited for things. I have more patience. My episodes are shorter and easily overcome with techniques. I didn't think I'd get better, I hoped, but didn't believe. I'm so fucking grateful. | 2019-08-16T16:15:05.000Z | cr8kxx | 20 | 180 | ptsd | It's working | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr8kxx/its_working/ |
[deleted] | The sound of balloons popping is something I’ve always been alright with. They aren’t really that loud. But yesterday when I was at the county fair, they had this game where whatever person filled up and popped a balloon the fastest won the game. The game was by a bunch of rides that my daughter wanted to go on, and every time one of those things popped, I flinched, or ducked and yelled out quite a few obscenities. These balloons were huge, and super loud.
I was with my girlfriend, and she knew immediately what had happened, so she comforted me, and calmed me down until another one went off. I became hyper vigilant too. I couldn’t get out of that area fast enough. My grandmother was also with me, but had been the first time she ever seen that, but she was great at keeping me calm too.
I always have a good handle of my PTSD, but some things still catch me off guard. Any normal person wouldn’t react that way to a balloon popping. I always feel like I’m the cliché combat vet for reacting the way I do to the sound of gunshots and explosions, even though I know they’re not real. | 2019-08-16T14:38:04.000Z | cr78st | 10 | 45 | ptsd | Popping balloons | 0.96 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr78st/popping_balloons/ |
Cakeman1337 | Not sure if i have ptsd but 4 years ago had my first panic attack when in bed from a movie. After 2 years i felt like i completely got over it but then one day, it was the best time ive had in my life. When i went to bed that night i suddenly felt all the innocent chlidish aura in me again but when i went to sleep i had a nightmare with that same movie and next day got a stomach ache.
Was this caused back then because i reached the peak of joy, so to speak? Does it mean if i experience peak joy again that its gonna happen again? | 2019-08-16T14:28:31.000Z | cr74az | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Panic attack after the best day of my life? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr74az/panic_attack_after_the_best_day_of_my_life/ |
jdelac25 | Hey folks, first time posting and I like this group a lot because it helps me get a better idea of how to help my wife who has PTSD.
I could really need some advice and words of encouragement. It's been a hard morning ontop of a hard week.
My wife has PTSD from her time in military and has been taking medication to help deal with the trauma, anxiety, and depression. The medication has had a side affect of weight gain and she hates how she looks.
I still find her beautiful and lovely, but she gets aggressive about her weight and starts throwing fits some mornings and will sometimes punch her self in the face. All the while calling herself fat and no one wants her.
I've tried to calm her down in the past but that has ended poorly multiple times. Now, I just sit and making sure she doesn't hurt herself or anyone in immediate area. Though I know she wouldn't hit anyone intentionally, PTSD episodes can come with different results
Is there anything I can say or do to make her feel reassured in her self image? Are there any methods you've tried, or someone else has tried, that pulled you out of those funks?
I'm not asking for any quick fixes or anything but something I can do to help because I feel like I've done everything I can and I'm just out of ideas and steam at this point.
Sincerely,
A PTSD spouse | 2019-08-16T11:02:27.000Z | cr4t68 | 3 | 2 | ptsd | Need some supporting advice | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr4t68/need_some_supporting_advice/ |
TheLoveTank | Hey guys... I'm dealing with a lot of triggers right now. Not flashback level... but I'm sinking into some serious depression. Is there a community here? First time I've posted. I'll make it through this, I mean I'm going to bed right now and I assume I'll feel like myself in the morning, but I know there's rough times ahead. I know I'm in for some losses coming soon. Figured I'd check out this subreddit. | 2019-08-16T08:17:26.000Z | cr3eis | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Dealing with some major triggers | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr3eis/dealing_with_some_major_triggers/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-16T07:51:13.000Z | cr36yr | 2 | 6 | ptsd | I’m in an IOP program, and all of a sudden I’m having panic attacks just thinking about physical intimacy (Trigger warning) | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr36yr/im_in_an_iop_program_and_all_of_a_sudden_im/ |
Mantisface01 | Anyone else still have to talk to/be around the person that caused your ptsd? I (39F) have to be aroubd my ex hubs because we share 3 kids together and the entire time im with him i have complete brain fog, almost complete black out memories.he used to beat me(bad) when he thought i was lying. Im in a new relationship now but when ever i sense that new bf thinks im lying or he accuses me of something , I have a hard time articulating what i want to say. I laugh for no reason, cant recall or even make sense of the question hes asking me(making me appear more guilty) I feel like a child, powerless. My brain shuts down, I cant even process words...He'll ask me a question about the day before but I cant even recall! I basically turn into an idiot who looks completely guilty!! At work and other aspects of my life I'm great at being pressure but I think my new bf triggers me with his insecurity and im thinking of breaking it off although I love him. Hes now asking me questions why i stayed in an abusive relationship for so long, and although he says no judgement there clearly is.the guilt and worthless feeling that comes with that is awful. Does anyone else have memory loss, feel substantially small when they are triggered? I have so much anger but it comes out as jumbled thoughts, lame reasonings... I cant even explain my blackouts... | 2019-08-16T06:45:30.000Z | cr2myp | 12 | 6 | ptsd | Black out/turn into little girl | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr2myp/black_outturn_into_little_girl/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-16T06:36:12.000Z | cr2jx7 | 0 | 2 | ptsd | triggered by dorm rooms?? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr2jx7/triggered_by_dorm_rooms/ |
agentgrizzly1212 | I can't sleep or get their voices out of my head. I close my eyes and it's nightmare after nightmare and I wake up and it's been minutes. I feel like someone is always watching me outsid my room like they did inside there I'm 18 and I don't know what to do | 2019-08-16T06:23:44.000Z | cr2fso | 3 | 6 | ptsd | Went to an inpatient ward for suicide | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr2fso/went_to_an_inpatient_ward_for_suicide/ |
Oskivia | So sparing details and triggers for everyone here i will say that I developed complex PTSD, I got it after having a drug addict 16 year old mother, removed, placed with grandparents, then abuse, bullying, isolation,sexual assault, more abuse, rape, sexual assault by different people, and then raped by boyfriend at 14, abused as well, and then abuse again at 17 by my 24 year old boyfriend. I experienced abuse, rape, sexual assault and trauma on/off till i was 19. I got pregnant at 18 with my daughter. I lived a life before my daughter of drinking, smoking drugs and partying. I attempted suicide 3 times and ended up in a hospital (this was around 15-16) i was failing in school and selling drugs out of my locker and sleeping with unsafe men around the same time. Needless to say, i wasnt taking care of myself. I had been in and out of therapy with social workers since i was 5 (age i got taken away from my mom) so i was always aware of my behaviour. but when i had my daughter something changed. I was married to an abusive asshole, I let him abuse me infront of our daughter and I was afraid to leave because i thought he would take her away or kill me or both. Well it took until she was a year and i had enough. I let myself and my daughter suffer to long and i wanted her to not live the life i did. I packed us up in a suit case, went to a womens shelter, moved to another city, enrolled in college and stayed in a motel until i got my apartment. it was tough, every dya was a challenge, sleep was a challenge, not just because of my daughter being a year and a half, but because i was constantly on alert afraid he was coming for us, he tracked me down and did kidnap her for a time, but i got her back, I went through CAS investigating me, i got alarm system from victims aid and i got therapy. I worked on being a single mom, taking care of myself and my little girl, while reliving everything, and then attending college. Well, i took child and youth care, it helped me but i also had a passion and wanted to help others. it was when i met my current partner. He's a sociology major in uni. I was tentative but i fell for him. I introduced him to my daughter after months of distance, and she was a little scared but then she fell for him too. we dated for over a year, and she, me and him went on "dates" together more often than us going out alone because i was afraid to leave her. I told him my story, told him what we had gone through and why i needed time. he was understanding, eventually i got to meet him mom, his sister, brother inlaw, and grandma over christmas when me and my daughter were gonna spend it alone but his family being wonderful found this out and refused. they invited us, bought us PJ's, bought me cooking utensils and knit me socks and her a hat. I still had trouble being touched, but when i told his family this they understood and waited for me to hug them. my daughter loved them, but she loved his mom the most, and eventually called her nana. Nana bought her books, clothes and helped me when i was really struggiling. My partner, and I got to spend some more one on one time as "nana" said she would watch my daughter. I was happy. it wasnt jsut because i met this man, but also therapy. each session was hard, but it was worth it less triggers and i had a good person to show me real love and i was pouring more love into my life aswell. made better friends and did well in college. I finished with higher grades than i had ever seen in my life IN COLLEGE. i was thrilled. My symptoms faded, and with that i felt more normal, like i deserved this love and kindness. now me and this partner had an unexpected pregnancy. a boy, we are keeping him and live together, see nana for BBQ on the weekends and my daughter is so happy to be a big sister, were finishing school this year. I never thought i would get here. I wanted to share because even though my journey isnt over, I climed a mountain and i hope you all get you're own version of happiness. | 2019-08-16T04:34:14.000Z | cr1dgb | 2 | 6 | ptsd | My Story (successful) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr1dgb/my_story_successful/ |
Gigameki | Currently I'm on Seroquel and like, it works great for that! I never have any bad dreams, no sleep paralysis, no hallucinations (I suffer from Auditory hallucinations) but the downside is I need a certain amount of sleep or else I'm SUPER tranqulized to a scary amount, it makes waking up early so hard, to the point where I tend to rely on alcohol if it's a long night and then early morning type of thing.. It's really hard on me, but I'm so reliant on it. | 2019-08-16T03:54:08.000Z | cr0y1u | 6 | 6 | ptsd | For those with trauma dreams, and/or sleep paralysis, night hallucinations, what meds do you take? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr0y1u/for_those_with_trauma_dreams_andor_sleep/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-16T03:39:32.000Z | cr0sdp | 1 | 2 | ptsd | 16 Living with Trauma | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cr0sdp/16_living_with_trauma/ |
HunterRuu | I'm really bad at piecing what I want to say together, so this may come out as word vomit. Sorry in advance!
Before I met my abuser I was working part time with no direction in life, or really any motivation to pursue a career.
I hate the fact that I find myself thinking that he was the one who made me productive and self-sufficient. While I was with him I got a full-time job with advancement, and found my niche in quality control. I worked overtime, swing-shifts and dealt with unnecessary drama between management and my co-workers, and I handled it all like a boss! Sure, it was stressful, but I would come home have a glass of wine, cuddle with my puppies, and that was enough for me!
Now, I'm out of all the sexual, mental, and emotional abuse, I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I have an amazing support system through my soon to be husband!
Overall I have all the tools I need to be successful and stable and I can't do it! I can't hold down a job to save my life and I'm trying so hard! I can't handle the workplace environment, any kind of workplace stress makes me feel like I'm in danger...
I don't want to accept that I can't be productive! Why does my abusive ex get to coerce me into paying all the bills, because he spent all his money on things that he lied about our entire relationship, but I can't help my amazing future husband (who deserves a good partner) financially at all?
I truly feel robbed of my financial stability, and my self sufficiency.... my identity as a productive human being.... and it was all wasted on a pos liar and rapist....
The thing that makes me cry all the time is sometimes I feel I have nothing left to offer my Fiance. He of course is amazing and loves me and would do anything for me, but I want to spoil him, and I cant....
Idk... anyone going through the same thing? | 2019-08-16T02:14:07.000Z | cqzv4q | 2 | 5 | ptsd | Does anyone else feel they Peaked in life when they were with their abuser? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqzv4q/does_anyone_else_feel_they_peaked_in_life_when/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-16T00:49:11.000Z | cqyw1n | 3 | 0 | ptsd | Is this ptsd? | 0.33 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqyw1n/is_this_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-16T00:48:14.000Z | cqyvm4 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Do i have ptsd? | 0.6 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqyvm4/do_i_have_ptsd/ |
CookingWithPTSD | Hi!
I dared to post this again, because I felt I was slipping again. I really need to keep reminding myself it happened.
TRIGGERS AHEAD!!!!
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So recently I awakened old forgotten memories. I finally got a right diagnosis and start treating it as such.
The therapist told me that I would start remembering stuff, but oh.. boy did I not expect this. :D
The last few days were pretty much in a daze and a lot of dissociation. Pretty much a lot of old addictive habits came back (alcohol) and of course less sleep and problems with eating. He used to tell me I ate too much.
Now at least, when I have dissociation, I don't go complete void and terror, at least I managed to "watch" some of the events. After the dissociation has stopped, I even managed to remember some chunks after. I will write it down here.
Ha.. I feel like a fraud, though. Like it didn't happen. But it did...
Just some context. There is a a trigger warning in the title. So, this is well the triggering parts begin.
When I met him, I was already raped once (for my first time) and there are some signs of earlier childhood events. Also, my family is abusive and they don't respect my boundaries. I also found out no long ago, when I reached out here and when I reached out to an old friend of mine. I know the difference between pressure and support. I am the "crazy child" of the family. My sister is the poster child. My sister also disregards my no a lot. The last time I told her, I have episodes, I don't to talk about them, please, I need peace and quite, she asked "what episodes? tell me more about them", but this time, I stood my ground. This is not the first time. The last time we had a fight and I was visibly upset and I asked to leave me, she didn't, I started yelling to leave me alone. She scolded me for yelling. She did leave me alone eventually. My mother is the classic narcissist. She would lose control, when she sees vulnerability, she would blame me for all with heavy words, she would neglect my attempts to explain what and after some time she would become super sweet and apologetic and I love you and stuff. It worked till now. I am starting to see it now. We are close. I am hatching now some plan of escape. But all in due time. This is not about this. My father is also blaming me quite a lot. Like when something bad happens to me, it's my fault. For example last time the flight was overbooked and they refused me, during the whole ride home he was ranting about how I wasn't 14 anymore and how inappropriate of me. Next morning he apologized and during lunch both my mother and father were upset that I was still upset. I mean, you know we love you, that's just the way we are. You know... ugh... those tricks are starting to lose their essence. I will get out. Eventually.
This is not about this. This is about my ex.
Who was a psychopath. We were together for two months. I remember maybe 3 or 4 occasions, the other ones are still pretty void. So, I decided to not erase the memories any more and share with you. You see, this is all real and I don't believe it. I feel a fraud, but I decided I will start changing anyway. If some psychopath crosses my path again, at least I will know that I set up some reaching mechanism in place... So here it goes. The first time I met him, I was already in dissociation and not feeling good. I didn't know what it was at the time, it was anniversary of the first rape. He engaged me and charmed me very quickly, very attractive, cheerful smile and quite polite. He was really nothing like my first lover, who was unstable and was also abusing me. My first lover was more like my parents, really trying, but failing at the end. This one... this one was very different. I don't remember our first date, but my first impression was just that, polite, had a nice job, well integrated, no emotional instability. All surface. I do remember the first night together though. We were together in bed, I was putting the condom on him and I freaked out and I said "No, I don't want to, let's stop."
\[hm.. great timing the neighbors at it again with the domestic violence. :D fantastic sound effects\]
I blacked out from the memories. Next thing I remember he is on me. So, he pretty much knew exactly what he was doing. He knew he was hurting me. There were no remorse really. I didn't register it. In fact, I kind of forget the next morning that it happened. Funny thing with my dissociation. How memory works. Also, he also chose the positions that would be hurting me the most. I remembered that when I told him that a certain position was hurting me, he would start using it most of the time. I was bruised most of times. I didn't register it. I still remember very little. Also, I remember one time I was on top, I was starting to enjoy myself and he switched immediately and put me in the bad position, I don't remember after that. He would pleasure me orally, but just so I can get further in dissociation and not register it, I remember how he was looking at me, not with mutual pleasure but with some sadistic spunk in his eyes. He was actually amazing at it. I would lose my mind every time, so he knew exactly the difference between pleasure and pain. During intercourse though, he didn't have patience for pleasure. One of the glimpses I have of his face during sex was how it changed, it was nothing like his face during the day, it was so cruel. I didn't register it. He would always do exactly the opposite of what I asked of him. I would say slower, he would go much faster, till I went totally blank. When he saw that
I was getting pleasure from it, he would slap me or pull my hair, or push me down or somehow trigger my rape memories, I told him about it and how it happened. He reenacted it. There are more... worse I remember. One time we had dinner with his neighbor, it was a nice and fun dinner, we were all joking and having fun. When we went back to his room, there was a switch and he asked me "would I fuck the guy" I said "no, what are you saying? Why would I?" and he kept pushing and made it like I was shallow for not wanting to fuck the guy or something, I don't remember, whatever it was, the end result was that he got enraged. I fought him this night, he got really mad, when I fought. I don't remember exactly what happened, I just remembered how he managed to subdue me in the end and fucked me. He was quite stronger. There are more... I will remember in due time.
So, he was a sadist, a psychopath. The whole goal was to see me suffer. It was deliberate and calculated torture.
And yet to this day, I feel like a fraud, like it didn't happen to me. I mean, those people they are only in movies... right? haha nope. It did happen, whether I decide to process and accept it is up to me. I just wish, I didn't feel like a fraud so much.
It will get better! For the first time, I am telling my story. He is in the past now... And I am looking at the future. I know I will survive and do my best to thrive. I want to keep reaching, telling my story and one day I might just believe it.
Thanks for reading! | 2019-08-15T23:35:19.000Z | cqxz9l | 11 | 2 | ptsd | About my ex TRIGGER! | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqxz9l/about_my_ex_trigger/ |