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[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-14T21:52:21.000Z | d4blwi | 2 | 1 | ptsd | How do I deal with others' reactions when I tell them about my trauma? (TW: SA) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d4blwi/how_do_i_deal_with_others_reactions_when_i_tell/ |
JupiterRabbit | Does anyone ever feel as though they want to cry and they’re on the verge of tears, but they just can’t cry?
For the last couple of days I’ve gotten so upset to the point of tearing up, getting that weird “I’m going to cry” nose and throat feeling and then nothing.
Is this a normal thing for anyone? How the heck can I get these emotions out? | 2019-09-14T21:50:57.000Z | d4bl8n | 4 | 11 | ptsd | DAE: Can’t cry?? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d4bl8n/dae_cant_cry/ |
fosforuss | Today I logged onto my insurance's website to see what my options were for a psychiatrist due to PTSD flare ups and flashbacks over the last year. The first one to pop up was the same guy I saw at the age of twelve when my mom had cancer and I had found out I was sexually abused.
He put me on a cocktail of medications, switching me between about eight different SSRI's within four months. I tried to kill myself twice in that time, ran away three times and was baker acted. He told my therapist and mom I wouldn't make it past 18.
My therapist disagreed and referred me to a new psychiatrist, who got me off all of my medications and weaned me to the smallest dose of Klonopin instead of the 6mg/day he had me on.
I turn 21 soon and I want nothing more than to schedule an appointment just to show my face - grown up, alive, living on my own, two jobs and going to school.
I am by no means past my PTSD or anxiety but I am definitely still alive and no longer suicidal.
Fuck him, and fuck anyone who puts us down. | 2019-09-14T21:46:02.000Z | d4bj39 | 36 | 260 | ptsd | My first psychiatrist told me I wouldn't live past 18. I am almost 21 now. | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d4bj39/my_first_psychiatrist_told_me_i_wouldnt_live_past/ |
[deleted] | Trigger warning: mention of sexual assault, abuse of victim by legal system.
*
*
So I am soo so happy they are covering the “Unbelievable” case on Netflix. People should know this story. It should absolutely be advertised far and wide and get tons of attention.
( *It is a really awful and important case of sexual assault where a girl was falsely accused of lying but they literally found video evidence that proved she told the truth; based on [this article ](https://www.propublica.org/article/false-rape-accusations-an-unbelievable-story)*)
OTOH, Im upset by the frequent intrusive trailers that you cant turn off, I dont want to think about it every time I go onto Netflix.
( *It isnt something that happened to me but stuff like it did and it happened to family which was a big part of my life so it gets me upset* ).
Anyone else have thoughts about it?
Anyone see it and have some thoughts?
Im waiting til Im in a better headspace but Ive read the article several times, it is an important piece of journalism. | 2019-09-14T20:45:45.000Z | d4arvw | 0 | 2 | ptsd | Unbelievable on Netflix (TW SA; NSFW) | 0.76 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d4arvw/unbelievable_on_netflix_tw_sa_nsfw/ |
CLAFox | I have C-PTSD, and was in the process of getting diagnosed when I had another traumatic thing happen to me.
I won’t get into details but it occurred at my house. It was a few months ago and I had flashbacks for a while and nightmares, not about the event specifically but I i knew it was related.
Lately I’ve just been having this feeling of general unease, especially when I’m home alone. I feel like someone is watching me. My skin crawls. I feel hot all over like I have a fever but I don’t. I find it very difficult to walk past that spot in my house at night alone.
This isn’t something I’ve experienced before. Most of my past trauma I was either too young to remember or it was a culmination of many events, not one (the C part) for me to stress over. I hate feeling this way. I feel like I can’t ever relax, I’m struggling to sleep at night because of it. There’s not specific memory occurring, or flashbacks, like I said yet general uneasy, anxious feeling. It doesn’t happen when my family is home or when I’m with friends or out of the house.
Has anyone else gone through this? Is there anything I can do to make it better or is it just another thing I have to accept as my life? | 2019-09-14T20:14:07.000Z | d4add3 | 0 | 6 | ptsd | Not having flashbacks, just general unease | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d4add3/not_having_flashbacks_just_general_unease/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-14T19:10:48.000Z | d49k8b | 1 | 9 | ptsd | PTSD, Brain Fog, Forgetfulness and Panic at Work | 0.82 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d49k8b/ptsd_brain_fog_forgetfulness_and_panic_at_work/ |
OopsieDoopsieItsMe | It feels very strange to be included in the "PTSD community" because my experience is strange and doesn't quite fit into the "normal" guidelines of PTSD. People don't really think I have it because of what happened.
Here's the short story:
My older sister was/is explosive. When we were kids she chased me and my brother around trying to beat us up. My brother and I were forced to hide in our rooms or in the bathroom with the door locked. As she got older her attitude did not change. For a while, the attempts at hurting people went away but they came back when she was in high school. On multiple occasions she hit, bit, and scratched my mom. To the rest of us, she was not physically abusive but was very verbally and mentally abusive (my dad is the same and now does not live with us).
Anyway, this is considered a "repeated long term trauma" which I don't see often in other people with PTSD (not talked about much). My symptoms showed up only after my sister left to college (when the physical abuse was over). I began having very vivid sensational flashbacks and derealization alongside extreme general anxiety in social situations relating to the trauma.
I'm not looking for validation but I want to talk about how awful it feels sometimes to know other people don't think I went through trauma just because it was my whole life, not one specific moment. People not believing my struggle is really difficult.
Thanks for listening | 2019-09-14T18:27:42.000Z | d48zho | 8 | 21 | ptsd | I Feel Invalid Being Diagnosed With PSTD | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d48zho/i_feel_invalid_being_diagnosed_with_pstd/ |
sleepylokita | I’ve had ptsd I think my whole life bc of how my parents treated me and then when I got older I was in an abusive relationship. I have been abused sexually physically and mentally. Being “crazy” is part of my identity I guess. I don’t know how to act normal. I was doing well for the last 2 years. And then this guy started working at my work who is attractive and also very unstable.. I am ashamed to say he reminds me of my ex. Sweet and needy uk?
The fact that I was attracted to someone and wanted so badly to help him made me feel unbearably guilty. I am very honest and respectful with my husband bc I love him and to me he’s absolutely perfect and here I am and ugly mess. I told him. That I thought this man was attractive in retrospect I was doing exactly what I do with my ex I was obsessing that they need help and I’m the only one who can help and it’s my responsibility ( I have survivors guilt my ex was also abused but is a drug addict on the streets I could’ve easily been that ) this overwhelming feeling made me leave my husband I told him and everyone all kinds of reasons why I don’t wanna be with him and convinced everyone even myself of why I wanna leave. I told the guy I found him attractive and I would really appreciate it if he never ever talked to me again not and I felt amazing until my dumb ass went to work and was like oh yea he’s here. -_- I haven’t been able to think clearly I don’t think my medicine is working I’m mad suicidal I wanna be with my husband but how on earth can I forgive myself for this? I pushed him so hard away from me I been trying to make friends with other people hoping he’ll do the same so he can find someone actually worth his love. I am insanely broken and unstable right now I don’t see light.... :/ help me. Please. | 2019-09-14T15:49:27.000Z | d46vzc | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Ptsd and relationship advice please please help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d46vzc/ptsd_and_relationship_advice_please_please_help/ |
hooloovooblues | What most resonated with me from my appointment Thursday was that while it is nice of my partner to try and avoid doing things that trigger me, and it does help in the immediate sense, it's not going to actually fix the problem because the root of the fear is still there - just out of view.
I was also given some grounding techniques, instructed to prioritize my well-being (specifically to do things that calm me down or make me happy at least 3x a week, such as taking a hot bath), and try a different approach when I am afraid: When my partner does something triggering, and I am comfortable doing so, I am going to describe what is scaring me, how that feels, and not ask for/let me partner explain or ameliorate the situation. Just gotta sit with that emotion until it feels better.
Going forward we're going to work on processing the trauma and identifying/strengthening coping mechanisms that work for me. | 2019-09-14T15:45:35.000Z | d46u7c | 0 | 28 | ptsd | Recently started therapy - most valuable takeaway from session 1. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d46u7c/recently_started_therapy_most_valuable_takeaway/ |
lilalita | null | 2019-09-14T14:23:39.000Z | d45t54 | 18 | 6 | ptsd | What would you do on your first day without flashbacks. If they would never come back. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d45t54/what_would_you_do_on_your_first_day_without/ |
lamborghini2408 | Trigger warning: abortion, abandonment (not sure what else to put?)
Context:
18 months ago I (28f) was with my (now ex) bf. I accidentally got pregnant. I went for a medical abortion but after a month it was clear out hadn't worked properly so I had to go back for another. This one didnt work properly either and I was told I needed surgery to complete the abortion.
On the day I found out the second medical abortion hadn't worked my bf cut me off, just disappeared and I've never heard from him since.
My hormones were everywhere, I was a complete mess and ended up driving 4 hours to my mum's house in the middle of the night to tell her what was going on and stay with her.
I thought I was doing really well with everything, I was having counselling and working on my self esteem and the emotions I'd not been able to deal with due to the multiple hospital visits and my bf disappearing.
About a week ago, after I'd been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks we decided we had to just be friends because he wasnt completely over his ex and I couldnt deal with the uncertainty of him not being ready for any sort of relationship. Logically this made sense and while it was a bit gutting i thought I'd be ok.
But my body panicked, i was shaking and feeling sick and felt exactly like i did a year ago for the months during and after the procedures. I'm waking up in a panic and feeling so alone. I've got great friends, still going to counselling but the reaction to this is scaring me a lot.
I'm not sure if this was meant to be a vent or request for support but wasnt sure who else would understand. This is really scary and has completely shocked me by how much it has affected me so long after the event. Noone spoke to me about it coming up again, I thought I was doing so well. | 2019-09-14T14:19:26.000Z | d45r9k | 10 | 12 | ptsd | Struggling with my body's reaction to a trigger because it's so out of proportion to the situation right now. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d45r9k/struggling_with_my_bodys_reaction_to_a_trigger/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-14T14:08:44.000Z | d45msm | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Struggling with my body's reaction to a trigger because it's so out of proportion to the situation right now | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d45msm/struggling_with_my_bodys_reaction_to_a_trigger/ |
sepi556 | null | 2019-09-14T14:01:32.000Z | d45jmc | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Will they ever cure ptsd? | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d45jmc/will_they_ever_cure_ptsd/ |
caffeineandyoga | Hi all, I have PSTD and am a sexual assault survivor. Long story short my assailant went to jail this past November for 7 years. I have a life long protective order. I came forward a few years before trial and he violated his protective order and broke into another victims house out of retaliation. There were 2 of us. This left me looking over my shoulder constantly. The police were vigilant and monitored my home, but I still felt uneasy. I thought him going to jail would help me but I just look at it as a countdown. So now that you have some backstory I am doing what I can to heal.
I do art as a career which is therapy in itself, yoga, I take anxiety meds morning and night, I try CBD occasionally. I have the option to get my medical card but have not pursued it yet. Overall I still feel uneasiness.
I have nightmares, I still startle easily, small things trigger me.
Anyway, the last two nights I have dreamt in detail my husband has killed me. I mean all the way up to the point that blood is drawn.
I have no idea why or where it comes from but I wake up in shear terror/fear of him.
Has anybody experienced this? | 2019-09-14T12:35:45.000Z | d44mc3 | 22 | 40 | ptsd | PTSD/Assault Survivor - Dreamt Husband Killed Me | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d44mc3/ptsdassault_survivor_dreamt_husband_killed_me/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-14T07:37:34.000Z | d427rf | 2 | 7 | ptsd | Losing it | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d427rf/losing_it/ |
navi__ | has anyone here taken a combo of trintellix and rexulti for ptsd? i just got put on it a few days ago and can’t find much info online about side effects and effectiveness. everything i’ve found is for treating major depression but thats not what i’m being treated for so i thought i’d ask here. thanks! | 2019-09-14T05:16:32.000Z | d411qc | 4 | 5 | ptsd | rexulti and trintellix | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d411qc/rexulti_and_trintellix/ |
smokestacklightnen | Hey I'm new here. I've come from a domestic violence relationship that only ended 4 weeks ago. The trauma has been excruciating in body and mind. Week 1 was a prolonged panic attack, body was convinced it was going to die . Week 2 was less frequent panic, moving to dissociation. Week 3 and 4 has been dissociation city. I've had to work hard on my recovery plan to maintain my full time job and life. One day I neglected a step and disassociated on the road, ran a red light and almost got hit by another car. Today is Saturday, 3pm and I haven't been out of bed. Im exhausted from trying to function. | 2019-09-14T04:49:25.000Z | d40swq | 9 | 3 | ptsd | Costs of functioning | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d40swq/costs_of_functioning/ |
bbbybrggs | I feel like my entire future is predetermined and I just have to live it and suffer until god/the universe/whatever lets me die. Everyone’s lives would be better if I had never existed because I’m a hopeless lost cause, but I can’t kill myself because then I’m just making them suffer even more. And I have to accept that the way my life is now is how it will always be, because it’s never going to improve in any meaningful way, and I can’t change that. I just exist to suffer and bring suffering on others | 2019-09-14T03:00:41.000Z | d3zrp0 | 5 | 25 | ptsd | Feeling like I have no choice in anything | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3zrp0/feeling_like_i_have_no_choice_in_anything/ |
gravypig | Music has been an outlet for most of my life, but since my experiences, it has become more of a reminder. A certain song can teleport me right back to an event.
Zombie, by either the cranberries or bad wolves (especially bad wolves), truly bothers me. Are there songs that bother you? Is this normal? | 2019-09-14T02:51:16.000Z | d3zob6 | 8 | 5 | ptsd | Songs that bother you? (Zombie) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3zob6/songs_that_bother_you_zombie/ |
xyz9808 | Currently in a coffee shop cranking out homework and there's a large man with mild B.O (one of my triggers). I was going to leave about 30 minutes ago, but I'm too anxious he might follow me to my car. Guess I'm waiting until he leaves or the shop closes. On the brightside, I'm a week ahead on homework right now, 4 more hours until the shop closes! | 2019-09-14T01:38:04.000Z | d3ywy0 | 1 | 10 | ptsd | PTSD/ anxiety is finally helping me with school | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3ywy0/ptsd_anxiety_is_finally_helping_me_with_school/ |
ActavisAndBars | My new doctor told me “There’s nothing to talk about” and wouldn’t even talk to me about my medications. I take Klonopin and am on a super low dose with my new doctor and it’s because he doesn’t believe I have PTSD I think.
I downplay my symptoms when talking about it. I downplay what happened to me. I knew I had PTSD for a while, but just learned about CPTSD and finally feel like something describes my mental illness to a T.
How do I tell my doctor that my anxiety is so severe that I can’t function on just the meds I’m on now. Just tell him what happened to me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I’m new to this sub. | 2019-09-13T20:25:49.000Z | d3v2n7 | 4 | 3 | ptsd | How to explain symptoms better to new doctor | 0.8 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3v2n7/how_to_explain_symptoms_better_to_new_doctor/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-13T19:58:22.000Z | d3uoyg | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Is it possible to over come a ptsd trigger that keeps happening? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3uoyg/is_it_possible_to_over_come_a_ptsd_trigger_that/ |
Tenny111111111111111 | I get that they're important, but I've had several negative encounters with them. One time, I was at my grandmas place (apartment) and someone had burned their food which caused the alarm to go off, another time I accidentally set my moms car on fire with a torch which went out on its own in about 20 seconds with minor damage, and another time I heard the alarm go off while on the computer, I go see what's happening and there's a HUGE fire coming from the kitchen pan, and the whole family's panicking for a good 20 minutes (or what it felt like) until it finally went out on its own. All of this happened at an early age for me. To make matters worse, when I was getting close to graduating elementary school the school started having problems with the alarm. Guess what the principal does? Instead of assuming it's a technological problem, he makes all the classrooms in the area of the school come out to the hallway and the idiot blames the problem on a student like a repeated ''prank'', this was the point where it had been going on for days/weeks. And it was going off a 3-5 times almost EVERY DAY. My current school also has this but it's milder and doesn't go off as often, and they actually made effort into trying to fix it. Something I never saw my elementary school do. My elementary school is close to my current one, and I can often hear the alarm going off in the school, the poor kids having to deal with the shit daily, and you attend the school for a good 7 years. Also, I do believe my school has atleast some sort of budget to atleast TRY to fix the Goddamn thing, it's one of the BIGGEST schools in the country, they expanded it not too long ago and added a bench recently to the school yard yet they can't fix a broken fire alarm. I just feel awful for the kids still in the shool having to deal with this. And now whenever I hear the alarm go off at school I freak out and want to evacuate the school asap while the rest of the students are just chilling, acting like it isn't a big deal. My middle school siad that if the fire alarm went off 2 times in a row, it's not a false alarm. But that happened today and the kids just treated it like nothing. Plus they used an emergency evacuation through the window to skip the class. I feel like this is sending a very bad message to these kids, although it's still better than my old school. I don't think my preschool was any better though, the atmosphere in that place is fucking awful. I live in constant concern that the alarm is going to go off at home, knowing that it's likely not false. | 2019-09-13T18:17:20.000Z | d3tacy | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I hate fire alarms. | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3tacy/i_hate_fire_alarms/ |
1D876 | Throwaway account.
I posted this on my personal Facebook and got good remarks from my friends/family. I believe these stories should not be forgotten and decided to post here anonymously, as to not incur the wrath of conspiracy theorists and people who believe I made this up for some ridiculous Reddit points.
Here's my story as posted on Facebook.
I’ve verbally told this story numerous times. I was recently told by a friend that I should write it down. And as the years go by, I can agree. There are numerous stories out there about what happened at the towers, but I rarely hear stories about what happened inside the Pentagon on that day. So, it is long, but here goes.
On September 10th, 2001, a Monday, I was working as an IT Specialist for the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) at the Pentagon. My tasks that week were to setup secure communication devices in offices located in a newly renovated portion of the Pentagon. The Pentagon has five wedges, and this was the first wedge to be completely renovated. There were DIA offices scattered all throughout the Pentagon. On top of that, DIA provided secure comms to all other agencies and services located in the Pentagon. My customers in the new wedge consisted of mostly DIA and Navy Intel offices. I spent all day Monday installing the new equipment and talking to my customers. Two customers I talked to that day were Rosa Maria Chapa and Charles “Chuck” Sabin, both fellow employees of the DIA. There were many offices that needed that equipment installed and there was no way we would finish it in just one day. Monday was a busy day, but we still had the whole week to install the rest of the equipment.
Tuesday, September 11th, 2001. I woke up early that morning to go for a run with my two fellow servicemembers and good friends, Petty Officer Futrell and Army Sergeant Jarveaux. We ran on a route around the North Parking of the Pentagon. It was a beautiful day. Sunny outside, not a cloud in the sky. Futrell, Jarveaux and I all worked in different offices within the DIA at the Pentagon, but we were all involved in communications for the DIA. Jarveaux had to leave the Pentagon to conduct business at another off-site office, so that left Futrell and I together at the Pentagon. Futrell’s office was the Message Center, they would triage incoming Intel reports from around the world. I’m summarizing because to this day I am still not sure of what all they did. I do know that they received Intel messages before the President and Chiefs of Staffs sometimes.
After the run, I showered and changed into uniform. I was in my office preparing my equipment to continue the installation in the new wedge, which happened to be on the complete opposite side of the building from where my office was. In my office were my colleagues, Petty Officer Watts, Sergeant First Class Caldwell and government civilian Merrill, a former Army Sergeant.
As I was packing up my cart full of equipment, I was watching the news, as I always did. Just then the first reports of the first tower being hit by a plane were starting to come in. I remember telling Watts “How the fuck could a pilot not see that tower on a clear day like today?” SFC Caldwell kept ordering me to go finish the installations, but I was glued to the TV. I am, after all, from NYC and this was huge.
Then, the unthinkable, live on TV, Watts and I saw another plane hit the second tower. Watts and I looked at each other in disbelief. What the fuck do we do now? We are in the Pentagon, the HQ for the world’s mightiest fighting force, and our country is now at war. Surely, we should be doing something. Around this time SFC Caldwell informs us that the Alert Center, the Intel hub for the National Military Command Center (NMCC), was setting up an ad hoc office to address this matter and we needed to setup the comms. My mission had changed, my life had changed, the world had changed, all in that one instant.
I then started to round up equipment needed to setup this ad hoc office. At the time, I was a smoker so I went out to the Pentagon’s center courtyard to have my smoke and decided to call my father, who, along with my mother, worked at the high school I graduated from seven years prior. We briefly talked about the events transpiring. My father then told me to be careful since the Pentagon is so close to Reagan National Airport and we have planes flying overhead all the time. At that moment a plane flew overhead. I told him we’d be fine, it is however, the Pentagon!
I walked into the Pentagon, back to my office. When I got into my office, I was the only one there. All my other colleagues were upstairs in the Alert Center setting up the ad hoc office. I was glued to the TV watching what was happening and I could not believe my city was on fire. As I am watching, the reporters gasp and relay what reports they are hearing in their earpieces. Apparently, the Pentagon has been hit. I immediately said, out loud, to no one in particular “what a crock of shit”. You see, the Pentagon is huge. Each wedge is built independently with its own support infrastructure. I heard nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing. On top of that, due to the fog of war, news reports were all over the place, saying the White House was hit, the Capitol was hit and other false reports, so I assumed this was another one of those. Then they showed live footage from the North Parking, where my car was parked, of the Pentagon burning. I could see that it was coming from the area of South Parking, but I was not sure exactly where. All I knew was that it wasn’t in my area. I was in shock. I cannot put down in writing all the feelings I felt at that moment. It was surreal. It is one thing to watch it on TV, but to be an actual part of it is another feeling altogether. I hope my boys, both in the Marine Corps, never have to experience anything like that. I thought I was safe. I am not on the front lines, I am not in a combat zone, I am home. I am in the HQ building for history’s most powerful military. I should be safe. I was not.
The first thing I remember doing after the attack was to attempt to call my family. That was futile. None of the phone lines would get through. We had dial tone and we could dial out, but all I got were busy signals. SFC Caldwell came into the office and told us we needed to evacuate. Just then Merrill came in and said that perhaps we should stay to ensure the communication systems for the NMCC and Alert Center stay up and provide any IT assistance as needed. We are after all, at war. No one was ordered to stay. However, everyone on my team elected to stay. I went over to the Message Center where my good friend PO Futrell was working. She informed me that they received another intel message that, yet another plane was hijacked. This was scary. Would they be coming to finish the job? Should I now evacuate? I had no idea what was happening. How could this be happening?
I actually saw PO Watts crying. She was one of the toughest persons I had known. I wasn’t even sure she had tear ducts. She wasn’t worried for herself; she was worried for her child. Who was going to pick her up? However, Peggy still stayed. We had a mission. That day I saw some of the bravest people in action. And I heard rumors of cowards, to include a full bird colonel, pushing people out of the way to evacuate. I don’t care who you think you are, you never know how you will react when the shit hits the fan.
After many repeated attempts to call family, I was finally able to get through to my wife at the time, back at home on Bolling Air Force Base, just across the river from the Pentagon. She thought I was gone. When she asked where I was, I told her I am still in the Pentagon. She thought I was lying and that I was in a hospital somewhere. Apparently, the news had reported, erroneously, that the Pentagon had been completely evacuated. Most of my neighbors started to arrive home. There were still about 100 of us in the building.
I also attempted to call my parents. I had just confirmed to my father that I was at work at the Pentagon and then we get attacked. I can only imagine how he must be feeling. After a while I was able to get through to the school’s switchboard. The operator, a disabled woman who could barely walk, ran down a flight of stairs to the employee’s lounge to inform my parents I was ok. The staff had been comforting them while they waited for word. There are unconfirmed reports that my father was crying. This is probably the thing that makes me the most emotional. My father is not a cryer, ever. As a father myself I cannot imagine the pain he was going through for that time without knowing how I was.
Once I notified my family I could now concentrate on the matter at hand. We continued to provide IT support to our customers, and I will not bore you with those details. I do remember one time when SFC Caldwell and I were in the office working on something together and I told him that I needed a cigarette to calm down. He looked at me like “WTF”, and said “the building is on fire, just smoke” meaning there is no reason for me to go outside and smoke. SFC Caldwell gave me authorization to break federal law and smoke inside a federal building. I’m sure the FBI is outside his home now waiting to take him away. Anyway, I had my cigarette.
About 30 minutes after the hit, smoke started to make its way to our wedge. The Pentagon was not prepared for something like this so there were no masks for us to protect ourselves. We took the CPR masks from first-aid kits. They were about as useful as a shirt over your face, but it was something. Also, there wasn’t even a fire alarm for the first hour or so. Today, things would be different, but back then we had nothing. The fire alarms finally came on much later after the attack, which I thought was pointless, and they were annoying as hell as they stayed on for quite some time.
When I finally ventured out of the NMCC area, about 90 minutes after the attack, what I saw was unbelievable. It looked like an abandoned building. There were broken glass doors everywhere. Vending machines were broken into. Trash cans toppled over. You can see that people panicked and just ran, running over anything that came in their way. When I made my way to the courtyard, the site made my jaw drop. There were hundreds of body bags, all empty, waiting to be filled, strewn all over the lawn. It was sad. A mass-casualty station had been set up. I saw people with blood-soaked clothes, not their blood, walking about. I saw a man that was obviously in shock, walking aimlessly around until someone sat him down. It felt like a movie set. This couldn’t be real. I found out later, most of those bags never got filled. Not many bodies to recover. Just body parts.
I also saw the fire blazing away. The building is so big that the only thing I experienced before that moment was the smoke. Now I saw it up close.
I had another friend who worked in the area that was attacked. He came out unscathed, physically. He could hear the screams of his colleagues, but he could do nothing to help them. They all perished in the fire. He was awarded a medal for wading into thigh high water to turn off power so that the Fire Department can proceed. He didn’t care about a medal. He was too distraught. I ran into him a few weeks later at the Post Exchange and he started crying. This dude was a tough motherfucker. Someone you’d probably cross the street to avoid. And here he was crying. He left the Pentagon and found a job in another state. He couldn’t handle it anymore.
That whole day seemed like a really bad dream. I knew the world had changed, but how much. This morning I was running with some friends on a beautiful Tuesday morning. Now, I am in the midst of the biggest event the world has seen since Pearl Harbor. And I am not watching it on TV, I am living it.
We were told we would not be able to get back into the building should we leave. No one was being let in. If that were true, we would have to stay the night as our relief would not be able to relieve us. I remember picking a spot under a desk to sleep that night. However, at about 1900, the police and military started letting people in. I left the Pentagon at about 1930 on September 11th. I had been there for about 14 hours. Driving through the streets of DC on my way back to base was another surreal moment. From the moment I left the parking lot to the time I arrived at the base gates, I did not see another vehicle, in DC!! 1930 on a weekday in Washington DC and there were no cars on the road.
When I arrived on base, my family was on the front lawn of my house surrounded by neighbors trying to comfort them. One neighbor wasn’t there. PO Ronald Hemenway perished in the attack. He lived a few doors down from me. Never met him but talked to his wife afterwards. He had two children, the exact same ages as mines. He worked in the wedge I was about to install equipment in that morning. Had I not procrastinated while watching the news, I very well may have been there, with Ronald, with Rose Marie, with Chuck. I lost 8 DIA colleagues that day, Rose Marie and Chuck among them. I talked to these people not 24 hours earlier. Now, they are gone. Their families forever affected. Sad.
In the weeks after the attack, I worked on average 18 hours a day. I was coughing up soot for over two weeks and I started having nightmares about the attack, frequently waking up in sweats at night.
Because of the attack, I developed asthma. And after being told by many close family and friends, most notably my children and my wife Gema, to go seek help, this year I was diagnosed with PTSD related to the attack and my service in Iraq. This is the first time I am admitting that as I know some people look at person’s with PTSD as soft or weak, but I don’t care what those people think anymore, fuck you. Unless you’ve gone through it, I don’t give a fuck what you think. Another symptom of PTSD is memory-loss. I did not know that until I my Dr told me. It is primarily short-term memory loss and I can definitely see that in my everyday life. However, because of that, this is the reason I wanted to write these words down. As the years pass, I am starting to forget some details and I may have gotten some wrong in this story. If so, I apologize.
Believe it or not, this is just some of what happened that day. I also have more stories regarding the weeks that followed. I just wanted to focus on September 11th. This is the first time I have written about that day and it felt therapeutic. Thank you for reading. Never forget. | 2019-09-13T18:11:55.000Z | d3t7tp | 2 | 6 | ptsd | Pondered publishing this publicly, but Reddit can be a difficult place. Decided this sub was safe. | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3t7tp/pondered_publishing_this_publicly_but_reddit_can/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-13T18:01:18.000Z | d3t291 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Help with EMS related PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3t291/help_with_ems_related_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-13T16:30:06.000Z | d3rry8 | 3 | 31 | ptsd | I just enjoyed listening to music for the first time in a year. | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3rry8/i_just_enjoyed_listening_to_music_for_the_first/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-13T15:06:37.000Z | d3qks5 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | help with medications/psychiatrists? | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3qks5/help_with_medicationspsychiatrists/ |
throwaway0706199 | TW sexual assault and (possible) flashback description
Last night I’m in the shower and I get triggered. The first thing that happens is I completely freeze with this horrified look on my face. My mind starts racing thinking thoughts like “he’s touching me he’s touching me”. I curled up into a ball and shut my eyes tight, and my skin felt like it was crawling. All of muscles tensed up, until I began to cry hysterically and hyperventilate. I was able to grab my phone quick and text my boyfriend “help” and he was upstairs and in the shower comforting me in the next few minutes. I was so out of it, like my mind was somewhere else. I was just staring blankly at him. He helped me wash up, and had to ask, and then count down before touching me or I would start to panic again. The rest of the night I was so exhausted and I couldn’t really speak above a whisper. I was also nauseous afterwards.
I guess I’m just trying to get all this off my chest, but I’m also wondering if this is what a flashback is. Does anyone else have similar episodes happen? | 2019-09-13T12:16:03.000Z | d3odnc | 2 | 5 | ptsd | Anyone ever have it happen like this? Is this a flashback? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3odnc/anyone_ever_have_it_happen_like_this_is_this_a/ |
lilalita | null | 2019-09-13T11:53:15.000Z | d3o40k | 28 | 148 | ptsd | I had my first night without nightmares since i think since ever. Thanks to lucid dreaming. I think I am slowly giving away my sleep issues. It is so fucking relaxing to have a good night sleep. I can't even remember when I didn't have headaches until today. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3o40k/i_had_my_first_night_without_nightmares_since_i/ |
tya_pris | Ive had several traumas in my life and I experience secondary trauma in a daily basis because I work at a courthouse and I'm in court with the judge seeing all kinds of cases like domestic violence, restraining orders, murder, child rape, etc and traumatized victims in a daily basis. After seeing the system fail these people again and again I nearly had a mental breakdown and had to take a week off to recover and now I have to go back to court. I feel like my history of trauma attracted me to this field but it has become too much. I honestly think I've developed PTSD from hearing other people's stories/testimony. I have to go back to work Monday and I feel like I'm just going to have a panic attack again. | 2019-09-13T07:17:32.000Z | d3ln45 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I have a good job but it's killing my mental health - help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3ln45/i_have_a_good_job_but_its_killing_my_mental/ |
drabdadster07 | null | 2019-09-13T05:49:06.000Z | d3ku0k | 32 | 47 | ptsd | Does anyone else have dreams about attacking their abuser, is it common? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3ku0k/does_anyone_else_have_dreams_about_attacking/ |
seravivi | Just as a bit of background I have been in and out of therapy. I did emdr for some childhood trauma that happened. I got through it pretty good. A lot of the triggers from those memories seemed to get easier to handle. I've been able to stand up for myself more and thought I was doing pretty good. I recently went back to therapy to help with some depression and anxiety coming back up.
Today started off pretty relaxed. We were just talking about some family drama that was going on. Then it switched to talking about the difference between resting and recovering. I can't fully recover yet because even when I do rest I'm not changing my day to day behaviors that are hurting me. So we talked about why. I said if I relax and go into "goo mode" I feel like I will fall apart. If I fall apart then everything around me will. So she asked how I felt about quitting and relaxing. I said very deer in the headlights. The only comparison I could think of was that when my mom had an aneurysm in her liver I was living on the other side of the country from her. She had flat lined and by some miracle survived everything. I had to quit school, stop my therapies, leave a lot of my stuff behind and go help her. Her recovery was a long one, but luckily she has no residual issues. When all that happened though everything was on my shoulders. Her care, her house remodel, my dad's fear, my brother's anger, her work, etc. I pulled through and thought I was fine. Then two years later my brother's wife's cancer came back. I was put in charge of her care a lot. She passed and it was a mess.
Once I told my therapist all of this but in more detail she looked at me, you know the look of not necessarily pity but like you know, and said you have ptsd. I was like yeah I know from my childhood. She said no from this. She said that a lot of the behaviors I have been struggling with seem to really draw back to these points. It wasn't even until she broke down everything that it really hit me. I thought it was fine. These seems like such a dumb thing. Once she put it out there it's so obvious to me now. Unfortunately the brain erase of the realization keeps trying to take over. I don't remember a lot afterwards. Just that now I'm aware and just lost.
She brought up the hypervigilance of my body. When I was away from my mom the only thing that made me feel like maybe she won't die is because I was like if she did die I would know. Like in movies when you just know something bad happened. So now I scan my body so much that it panics me and any time I feel off I panic about something bad happening. If I have panic attacks I worry that it's a forshadow of something horrible and check on my family almost obsessively. She brought up more but I already feel lame typing that out.
Has anyone else been through this? Dealt with some trauma to realize you were back in a pattern due to another trauma? How do not feel bad about what truamatized you? Any advice would be nice really. | 2019-09-13T05:31:40.000Z | d3ko1e | 0 | 4 | ptsd | Therapist brought something to my attention today and not sure what to do with it | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3ko1e/therapist_brought_something_to_my_attention_today/ |
the_lone_researcher | Hello, I met a girl a couple days ago at a concert. We slept together the first night we met and had an incredibly intimate night talking till 7am. She came over last night and we had a similar night. She told me her life story of a physically abusive mother, a drug addicted absent father, molestation, a mentally abusive aunt after her mother was taken away, a physically abusive older bf, multiple rapes, and much more.
She has gone through more shit than anyone I have ever met. She is one of the strongest people I have ever met. I have so much respect for her still being here, in good health, pretty good spirits, and a lot of love to give.
She said she was diagnosed with PTSD at a very young age. She said she thinks she got over it. I can tell she is really really struggling and has a lot of lasting damage and trauma. She cut her wrists a few months ago, and is still talking to her ex boyfriend who was manipulating her and lied to her. She knows he manipulated her and lied to her and agrees he isn’t a good person, but she is still talking to him and letting him abuse her more.
The last thing I want to do is hurt her. I told her I didn’t know how I felt about her yet(wanting to formally be bf and gf or not) since we just met, and was completely honest with her about my intentions and feelings. She said the same.
I am not sure what i am really looking for here. I just have never been in a situation like this and this girl is definitely special, and i don’t want to mess it up. Is there any advice anyone can provide me with being in a relationship with someone who has struggled so much and is still struggling? | 2019-09-13T05:29:36.000Z | d3knbg | 12 | 6 | ptsd | Any tips on how best to start a new relationship with someone suffering? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3knbg/any_tips_on_how_best_to_start_a_new_relationship/ |
Nugacity5 | I just want this feeling to go away. I’m tired of constantly looking behind my back, I’m tired of living in fear. I can’t sleep right and I can’t focus. I’m so tired and drained. My symptoms have never been this severe. I don’t cry everyday like I did before, but I feel like I have weighted chains all over me.
My medication doesn’t work once again, and I don’t see my doctor for a month. I’m afraid my nmom is going to come to my apartment or send her stupid monkeys to try and fight me | 2019-09-13T04:07:23.000Z | d3jrb9 | 2 | 2 | ptsd | I just want to sleep | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3jrb9/i_just_want_to_sleep/ |
Stellar_Chick | Cause like I feel like something is going to happen to me or someone I know but when it comes to them I can’t stop them from living their life so it’s not like I can tell them stay cause I have a bad feeling cause they won’t and I just feel so frustrated cause it’s just my illness talking to me and I know that but I still feel like I wanna cry. | 2019-09-13T00:51:29.000Z | d3hf43 | 0 | 5 | ptsd | I feel so stupid when I get my attacks sometimes (vent) | 0.79 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3hf43/i_feel_so_stupid_when_i_get_my_attacks_sometimes/ |
themarshmallowdiva | So I went to my doctor today, because I've been having repeated anxiety attacks for the past week and a half or so, and talked it out with her. I have been previously diagnosed with PTSD (from violent domestic abuse, sexual assault, etc), but have had a pretty reasonable handle on it. I recently went through two surgeries to fix my ankle, as I broke all three bones in my left ankle badly. They gave me Ketamine during the setting process, and what's supposed to make people feel euphoric, set me off in a screaming, fighting for my life panic attack. I thought I was being pinned down by aliens, in some kind of time warp, and it took several people holding me down, and screaming deliriously in fear and in pain as they forced my bones back in place.
Apparently you're not supposed to remember anything after they give you the Ketamine. I remember everything, and felt everything. But that was July 1st -- and I thought for sure I was past it. Afterwards, I required plates, screws, and pins, to get everything put back in place. Unfortunately, the first surgery wasn't enough, and I required a second one (two within 8 weeks). I have taken it all in stride, and hadn't shed a tear, or been mopey about it, I basically just floated through it. There was nothing I could do, and it had to be done. I just accepted it, and I was fine (or so I thought) until after the second surgery. I was repeatedly having these aggressive anxiety attacks, and couldn't figure out what was triggering them.
Well I saw my doctor today, and after talking with her, she says that it's 'post-traumatic due to the surgeries'. So now I've been diagnosed as having post-traumatic from THAT, while already having a diagnosis of PTSD. Like what the hell, brain?! I don't understand the human subconscious, but it's starting to tick me off. She scripted me Ativan, and told me, that hopefully now that I've actually started healing, and have Ativan to manage the full-on attacks, that the anxiety attacks themselves will lessen.
Made me think of Xzibit Yo Dawg meme, immediately. "Yo Dawg, we heard you had PTSD, so we gave you PTSD on top of your PTSD!" I laughed about it, and shared it as a meme to a couple friends, but they, ah, don't find it nearly as amusing as I do. LOL Ah well, can't win 'em all! | 2019-09-12T23:43:11.000Z | d3gkfg | 10 | 35 | ptsd | Yo Dawg, we heard you had PTSD, so we gave you PTSD on top of your PTSD! | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3gkfg/yo_dawg_we_heard_you_had_ptsd_so_we_gave_you_ptsd/ |
remineur | Hello I take pregabalin to reduce anxiety from ptsd and it kind of mute the emotion. The intrusive though still get a way. If I forget to take a dose, Holly hell, the anxiety is over 9000 and the thoughts is insane, I barely can go out, is that withdrawal effect of pregabalin, am I gonna be like that without it?
Also, I have trouble to believe that I have ptsd, even if my therapist said that I have almost all the symptoms, he seems to be a really trained therapist. I kind of fear leaving without it because I don't remember how to, is that common? Thx | 2019-09-12T22:56:55.000Z | d3fysw | 0 | 2 | ptsd | What pregabalin does to my trauma? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3fysw/what_pregabalin_does_to_my_trauma/ |
nextstopwilloughbyy | Worry about them going through the same thing? And worrying that you’re either not going to be able to stop it, or else worry that you’re going to be so overbearing and overprotective that you’re going to mess them up that way? This is a real fear of mine that I think about probably more than I think about my trauma | 2019-09-12T20:44:27.000Z | d3e4f6 | 6 | 18 | ptsd | does anyone else worry about having kids | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3e4f6/does_anyone_else_worry_about_having_kids/ |
westofhearts7 | It's weird. I can use the word rape in every other context other than my own assault.
I was in therapy and my therapist brought up how I used to call it "the event" or something vague. I felt I had made progress finally admitting it was an assault. Then a sexual assault. Typing that even seems uncomfortable but I can do it.
For some reason though when she asked why I have never called it what it was/is I didn't even notice until she tried to get me to say it.....and I couldn't.
I just sat there and felt like my brain had turned off trying to find the word....or maybe avoid the word?
I felt like I sat there unable to grab that word for 5 minutes. I think it was probably only 1...but still too long.
I realize now I do avoid that word above all others....but only in the context of my assault.
I can say it in any other context. Weird example: "I heard in this fantasy story that the Half human Half Orcs were only made through rape." I could easily talk about it. It was just a conversation about a story.
​
But when it comes to me I can't say it. | 2019-09-12T20:30:48.000Z | d3dx3p | 26 | 44 | ptsd | I don't want to call it the R word. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3dx3p/i_dont_want_to_call_it_the_r_word/ |
4DankInhale20 | I wonder if this feeling is typical of traumas or if it has something to do with my trauma being drug related.
It feels like I was violently ripped out of my life and the things I associated with my life now feel like a lost, far away story, which will never be recovered. I don‘t feel like the same person and I have completely different feelings, which can make me feel like going insane (my kind of flashback).
Usually psychedelics make you feel more connected with everything, but the trip that traumatized me rather had the opposite effect. Going into this world, where nothing real seems to matter anymore, but then feeling these mighty otherworldly feelings really takes every bit of enjoyment out of my life for some days, thus flashbacks are dreaded.
I was told that this might be derealization/depresonalization, but the common descriptions of DP/DR don‘t seem to fit that much imo.
But do these kind of feelings of having lost once life also occur in other traumas?
Have a nice day everyone! | 2019-09-12T19:19:00.000Z | d3cvfh | 6 | 2 | ptsd | Anyone else got this feeling of being really far away from ‚home‘? (TW: Drug use) | 0.76 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3cvfh/anyone_else_got_this_feeling_of_being_really_far/ |
[deleted] | Okay, so I have a new job away from the jail where I’m working part-time.
I’ve been there four months but I’ve been having panic attacks here and there and have been needing to call in; I’ve called in about three times prior to today.
So, I saw a bunch of prison guards come into this place where I work, including my former lieutenant.
I broke down, had a panic attack, and left for the day; this is my fourth absence.
I don’t know, I feel like no one really anywhere really understands what I’m going through.
I have these flashbacks to being at the jail that are incredibly vivid—of the worst things I’ve ever seen: attempted suicides, attempted murders, my brother being beat up, addicts, etc.
I’m worried I will lose my job because of my PTSD and my panic attacks. | 2019-09-12T19:16:55.000Z | d3cubf | 2 | 5 | ptsd | Saw my lieutenant at the jail I used to work at today and had a panic attack. Worried about my job. | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3cubf/saw_my_lieutenant_at_the_jail_i_used_to_work_at/ |
suenologia | its been a while since i’ve found myself just smiling for no reason and *not* feeling on edge. i thought i was going to be emotionally numbed out forever and i had accepted that but lately i’ve had a bit of a resurgence. keep holding on ❤️ | 2019-09-12T18:08:55.000Z | d3buxs | 6 | 126 | ptsd | i felt happy today | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3buxs/i_felt_happy_today/ |
Str3ssT3std | 7 Ways To Make Therapy More Affordable
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/affordable-therapy-options_n_568c0dc0e4b014efe0dbe606 | 2019-09-12T18:04:53.000Z | d3bsvu | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Tips to make therapy more affordable | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3bsvu/tips_to_make_therapy_more_affordable/ |
throwaway0706199 | I know a lot of people are against medication, but I really just can’t live like this anymore. I don’t know what being happy is. I’m either absolutely rock bottom, or I’m “okay”. “Okay” meaning I’m not depressed or happy. I’m dissociated almost 24/7. I dissociate so bad I can’t drive sometimes, I isolate myself, I have panic attacks and major anxiety, on top of severe self hatred and debilitating depression. Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed and I cry uncontrollably.
I always have this emptiness inside me, and sometimes it gets so bad that all I can feel is pain.
I just feel like I’m wasting so much of my life away feeling like this. When I think I’m happy, I know there is so much more happy I can feel.
I’m seeing a really nice psychiatrist on Tuesday. She sounds great, and said that medication is only part of the battle so she also does therapy.
I feel so guilty about it though. Should I feel guilty? | 2019-09-12T18:00:22.000Z | d3bqj3 | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Should I feel guilty about needing medication? | 0.76 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d3bqj3/should_i_feel_guilty_about_needing_medication/ |
Metartist | Last night after moving a 1000 miles a week ago and moving in with my girlfriend, I finally got to go line dancing with her. We personally have little to no experience in it. We met up with friends she had made in the area that met together due to Reddit. Strangely it was just one guy who was able to make it, I’ll call
him James, he was cool. James seemed a bit better than us. My gf, James, and a girl named Claire met up a weekend or so before to practice line dancing. So I was glad to be included this time since distance was limiting my involvement. I tried my best to keep up and have a good time, and it was, even if it got overwhelming and tedious at times. I wasn’t triggered until it was a couples song were we rotate partners. I’m currently on Welbutrin and Adderall as well, I had two whiskey and cokes but I usually don’t drink due to the medicine either. I didn’t know any of the steps and felt completely worthless. It was fine when I struggled by myself, but having someone else involved really struck some nerve hard. I shutdown went to sit in the chair on the side to get my breath, and saw that James had rotated to my gf and did all the dance moves and spun her like I wish I could, my gf at one point didn’t have a partner because there were more girls than guys on the dance floor. At this I went to the restroom and just went into the closest stalled and leaned against the wall of it. Trying to calm myself, part of me was devastated, the other was pissed, and what ended up coming out was just extreme energy sucking sorrow. I remember the times I tried dancing before as a couple dance in a college class and how I couldn’t do it at 25. Ever since my divorce when I was 23, and how hard it was for me (“First Dance”). I took a deep breath, and left the restroom. I joined back up with them, James left and went to the restroom. My gf could tell something was off, and I explained it was one of my triggers. That I wasn’t feeling well, and shoved all those feelings down for the time being. I didn’t want to ruin the night for everyone else or myself because of the trauma. I asked her when she would like to leave, and she mentioned she was waiting for a certain song. I looked around the dance floor and noticed there weren’t a lot of people out. So I took the initiative to ask the dj to play the backstreet boys song she was waiting for. He gladly did, and we all got to line dance to it. I’m still not very good, but I’m glad I didn’t let the trigger stop my evening entirely. When we got to the car, we talked about what happened. She apologize saying she didn’t know it was a trigger, and I said please don’t apologize. Its not something I enjoy either, and we had a nice conversation on the way home but I could tell she felt bad. When we got back home, I figured we would take a shower together then go right to bed as we were exhausted. My gf wanted to take a shower alone, so she could shave and what not. I got defensive, since I thought it would be faster together. She asked me why I had an attitude and I broke down crying, saying the the shower was the only safe place for me growing up. I was abused every where but in the bathroom. How it meant so much to me to be able to share that with her, and how I just didn’t want to be alone. After talking a bit more, I reassured her to take a shower by herself, and I laid with my cat and took the time to go down stairs to write a little love note for her to find the following day “Thanking her for who she is as a person and how she always melts me away even in my darkest moments.” Thats summarized, but after she finished her shower I went and took mine, and I started with what I did as a kid. I’d sing to myself of the troubles in my life and in my head. Then I started getting frustrated with myself, I was mad at my PTSD for taking away my moments for happiness. Taking my energy, effort, and that I deserve to be happy too. I wept, my hands wrapped around my knees wishing I could scream but my voice was gone since it was so loud at the dance venue. I felt so disappointed in myself and that I’m always so hard on myself despite how hard I work toward a brighter present moment. My gf pried the door a bit and asked if she could come in, that she heard me crying. She reassured me, and told me all the things I tried telling myself. To be proud, etc... I called her “A dork”, and told her how the night I found out my ex-wife cheated on me I took a shower to hide my tears from myself as I cried for hours, and no one came to check on me then. I thanked her for who she is as a person, and asked her to promise me not to feel bad for triggering my ptsd. I figured to myself that if I want to be happy, I will have to live with the trauma and triggers too. I can’t have one without the other, because it wouldn’t be true happiness. I ended the conversation with her describing how I love water, it can fill any space, it can hold insane amounts of weight, but when you’re in it you feel weightless. I said I’m kind of like that, inside I’m filled with cracks like open wounds that never heal fully, but that must also mean I’m extremely strong to hold all of that and to want to feel weightless. She reassured me again, like the angel she is, and headed back to bed. I soon followed. It was hard sleeping that night for us. This morning she was quite tired, and I felt bad for keeping her up later than expected. I usually make us a nice breakfast, but it was just a cereal type of morning. As she was about to leave for work, with a kiss good bye, I told her that she had a surprise on her person some where. She loves little things like secret notes, less than thirty minutes later I get a text that she found it and all the wonderful feelings she had. That we can do it together a step at a time. I’m so proud of myself, even if I’m in mourning for my feelings that I didn’t allow myself so long ago. I can fight through it, and work towards something. I’m so lucky to have a partner, an individual,and a friend like her. She always reminds me of the beauty within myself, I hope she will always be “my dork”. | 2019-09-12T14:50:41.000Z | d390cn | 2 | 6 | ptsd | Dancing Trigger (last night) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d390cn/dancing_trigger_last_night/ |
[deleted] | I don’t have the energy to explain the whole deal, but my dad and I are victims/survivors/whatever of institutional abuse. It was “over” 11 years ago but it’s never over. I cannot live with this power it’s got over me. I’m going to therapy and taking my meds but I’m so fucking sick of living like this- feeling like it will happen again.
In an effort to make myself look as crazy as possible (/s) I looked up one of the people responsible for the institution and called his home, while intoxicated and having a panic attack. I told him I’m not doing well and idk why all this happened and I needed to know if he’d understood what he’d done. | 2019-09-12T12:39:49.000Z | d37b1d | 4 | 1 | ptsd | I called one of the people responsible for my trauma. It went about as well as you’d expect. | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d37b1d/i_called_one_of_the_people_responsible_for_my/ |
throwaway0706199 | So I don’t know about everyone else but my ptsd sort of goes up and down. Sometimes it’s terrible (more often than not), and every once in a while I’ll just be okay. Barely any symptoms, mostly “okay” feeling but definitely not 100% happy.
When I start to feel okay, I usually gain back some of my motivation, and that’s when I’ll make the long awaited therapy appointments I didn’t make while I was down.
Then, since I’m feeling okay, I’ll immediately be like, “see? I’m okay. I was just being dramatic”
I begin to think that I don’t need therapy because obviously I’m okay right this moment.
Does anyone else do this? | 2019-09-12T12:18:23.000Z | d371x1 | 2 | 2 | ptsd | I keep doing this thing where I get better and think “I don’t need therapy anymore” | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d371x1/i_keep_doing_this_thing_where_i_get_better_and/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-12T08:21:26.000Z | d34ufu | 7 | 7 | ptsd | How to deal with anxiety after discussing trauma in therapy? | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d34ufu/how_to_deal_with_anxiety_after_discussing_trauma/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-12T07:51:37.000Z | d34lwf | 4 | 6 | ptsd | Flashbacks/Guilt | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d34lwf/flashbacksguilt/ |
norashepard | How long did you use prazosin before your nightmares stopped? Or before you decided it wasn’t working? Either one. | 2019-09-12T07:45:13.000Z | d34k03 | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Prazosin | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d34k03/prazosin/ |
TransexualMuslimGoat | I finished my sessions with my therapist today because I don't feel like I need to go anymore. I've finally gotten to a point now where I realized that I can handle things that are thrown at me, that my emotions are real, and that even though I have PTSD it doesn't define the person that I am.
In spite of what happened to me, I've been able to move forward. I am strong, and resilient, and capable. I'm lucky to be alive. I've been able to take care of myself and build up my own stability.
The dissociations have lessened. I've let go of all the anger and pain that I held onto. While letting go has been terrifying, holding on was infinitely more damaging. I'm facing my problems head on, instead of avoiding them. I understand my emotions, even the hard ones and that they will pass. In a very real way, I am good enough and deserve love and kindness, especially from myself.
It's taken me a lot of work to get to this point. But I want you all to know it's doable. I love you all and hope that things get brighter for you, because they've gotten brighter for me. There's a life that is waiting for me to build it, so I'm going to go and get to work :) | 2019-09-12T06:46:58.000Z | d340zf | 13 | 107 | ptsd | I finished therapy today [SUCCESS POST] | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d340zf/i_finished_therapy_today_success_post/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-12T06:01:43.000Z | d33lxd | 2 | 2 | ptsd | I dont know if this is ok here but i just need to put it into words where someone can hear me | 0.76 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d33lxd/i_dont_know_if_this_is_ok_here_but_i_just_need_to/ |
Pyrollamasteak | Has anyone been in a situation where TSA did a pat down / search and the agent touches a triggering area? What happened? What should one do in that situation?
Context:
I saw a post about a woman who had her breasts squeezed hard by TSA agents during a search. That would fucking send me into the largest flashback. IDK if I would fightback or just collapse crying. | 2019-09-12T05:30:49.000Z | d33bkl | 5 | 3 | ptsd | Physical touch triggers and TSA body searches... | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d33bkl/physical_touch_triggers_and_tsa_body_searches/ |
k8iew24 | Next Friday my case finally makes it to trial becausemy attacker is a sociopath who refuses to admit guilt. It has now officially been one year since I was attacked and the whole thing still feels like one big, open wound. I've never had to testify in court before and I'm terrified about it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated 💞 | 2019-09-12T04:27:05.000Z | d32oum | 7 | 6 | ptsd | Going to trial | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d32oum/going_to_trial/ |
beatrey | I was sexually assaulted at 18 (that was in 2013). I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and I struggle with flashbacks of my assault constantly. It's like a movie playing in my head.
I started doing exposure therapy and it worked, though it was incredibly draining. I eventually stopped because life got in the way (a breakup, then finals, then I moved). I meant to put it on hold and come back to it but I never did.
I convinced myself I was probably over it and that I shouldn't give it more attention because I'd talked about it in quite a bit of detail. But I'm not over it, I think about it every day. And I mean every single day. I feel like I'm carrying a poisonous secret.
My therapist is on vacation right now and I'm psyching myself to talk about it again when he comes back. I know I need to do it, but it hurts just to think about it and I want to keep putting it off indefinitely even though I know that's a bad idea.
There's also a little voice in my head that still blames me for what happened. I had a crush on my abuser and I didn't even register it as abuse at the time, but I remember subconsciously having my guard up when I was around him because I thought he might do something to me again. Why did I keep seeing him after what he did to me? That's one of the things that makes me ashamed to talk about it. I feel guilty.
At this point I'm just musing, so thank you if you've read up until this point. I feel really alone. | 2019-09-12T04:23:27.000Z | d32nkk | 2 | 7 | ptsd | I'm terrified to talk about my trauma in therapy again | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d32nkk/im_terrified_to_talk_about_my_trauma_in_therapy/ |
dddulcie | null | 2019-09-12T04:06:47.000Z | d32h2n | 1 | 2 | ptsd | What is a “ptsd attack/outburst”? Is that a thing? Read it in an article | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d32h2n/what_is_a_ptsd_attackoutburst_is_that_a_thing/ |
mamaola | , i guess iam traumatizing myself | 2019-09-12T03:54:09.000Z | d32c2v | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I guess iam traumatized | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d32c2v/i_guess_iam_traumatized/ |
radlipsandrosycheeks | I’ve never had a positive sexual or romantic experience. Ever. Every time I’ve been touched in a sensual way has been without my consent. Every kiss I didn’t want. Even my first real relationship was extremely unhealthy— she was an alcoholic, significantly older than me, and lived across the globe. Every subsiding relationship has also been from across the globe. Long distance became a crutch because I don’t want to be touched. But I do.
I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be properly intimate with someone. I know I’m really young, but I’m afraid that I’m becoming sex repulsed. I have a normal libido, but pornographic content upsets me. Masturbation upsets me. Even the thought of someone hypothetically touching me makes me panic, but I’m so touch starved. I crave hugs, but when I get them, it feels like my insides are on fire.
My trauma has also affected my clothing to an irritating degree, my everyday outfit for the past several years only shows my hands and face. However, I don’t hate my body. In a perfect world, I would love to show it off— but I don’t feel like I truly have it in me yet. Wearing tight or revealing clothing in a serious way makes me feel like I’m suffocating. I’m 5’1 and 130 pounds, but my safety blanket jacket that wear nonstop, (no matter what temperature it is) is an XXL.
Contrary to how depressing this all is, however, I’ve actually been very happy these past few months. So happy that I’ve developed my first real crush in a long time. They’re extremely unattainable, (celebrity twice my age, lol) but it was enough to sort of overturn my mental rock of, holy shit, I’ll never be able to experience intimacy IRL will I?
I guess what I’m saying is that I have no practice with these feelings, and I know this could be just me overthinking as I do, but I’m scared I’ll never get to a point where I’ll be fully comfortable with someone touching me like that. I’m fine with emotional intimacy, but it’s the physical stuff that freaks me out. I’ve gotta be honest, I’m insanely jealous of my friends who have healthy sexual and romantic relationships.
At least 75% of my dreams have to do with all of this too, and it really really sucks. I know this isn’t a newsflash or anything, but God, PTSD is an asskicker. I feel like shit and I’m done with it. I know this is pretty complex, and I am in therapy, but any general advice would be much appreciated. thank you for taking the time to read all this. :( | 2019-09-12T02:46:36.000Z | d31jzj | 9 | 14 | ptsd | I was sexually assaulted when I was 14, at a sleepover. I’m turning 18 in a few months, and I’m sick of being traumatized. Intimacy terrifies me. | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d31jzj/i_was_sexually_assaulted_when_i_was_14_at_a/ |
organize_xiii | 4 years ago today I was first molested and it left me with PTSD. But it feels like I can't go to anyone for support because everyone always calls me names for being upset about things other than the terrorist attacks... I'm just really in need of some support right now. Honestly, I'm not sure if posts like this are allowed, but this seems like a good place to get support | 2019-09-12T01:24:13.000Z | d30j4w | 5 | 3 | ptsd | **TW** In need of support | 0.72 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d30j4w/tw_in_need_of_support/ |
SBishop2014 | I was emotionally and psychologically abused by my father my whole life. Alcoholic, bully, narcissist, pathological liar. My mother always defended him. They always told me I was too sensitive, or spoiled and ungrateful. This past March he kicked me out of the house for being gay and for calling the cops on him. I lived with my Grandma for a few months while I received therapy. Now I have to live out of state with my sister while we both go to school, and I can't talk to her about any of this because she insists our father is a good person and will defend him too.
I have many supportive online friends and very supportive and accepting extended family, and have been very lucky to receive the treatment I have. But all the same, I still feel completely unlovable and broken.
I was their baby. They were my whole world. I was always the good son, always got good grades and did my chores. I did everything right. I loved them, was loyal to them, I would have done anything for them. And it meant nothing to him. He threw me away like garbage when I wouldn't take his abuse anymore. Even had the gall to tell me, just before I left, that I was allowed to stay, "just promise not to call the cops on me ever again and you can stay." The fucker...
If our parents are supposed to be the ones who love us more than anything, and this is how my parents treated me, what hope do I have in other people loving me? What if they messed me up too much? What if I'm doomed to end up just like my father someday? What if one day my kids tell me I messed them up just as bad?
I can't shake this feeling short of just trying to not think about it. I don't know what I expect anyone to say, nobody here knows me, but I also didn't want to depress anyone in my life IRL with this. They'd just reassure me no matter what. Just had to get this off my chest somehow | 2019-09-12T00:57:49.000Z | d306wc | 2 | 3 | ptsd | I feel unlovable | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d306wc/i_feel_unlovable/ |
[deleted] | Has anyone experienced hypersexuality because of sexual trauma? I've been really struggling with this my ex boyfriend was very abusive and I have PTSD because of all he did to me but for some reason I'm still attracted sexually to him and I hate it. I also want to start feeling good about my body instead of feeling gross and dirty but I don't know how to go about it. Do any of you know how to deal with this? | 2019-09-12T00:27:03.000Z | d2zspn | 5 | 11 | ptsd | Hypersexuality | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2zspn/hypersexuality/ |
adogslove | I was sexually abused for years as a young girl, ages 8-10. My entire life I was literally scared of everything. Every guy that passed me on the street (still dealing with this one). Stair wells, parking garages, elevators, being alone, being with people, family, friends, friends of friends, the dark, I could literally go on and on! I spent every second of everyday scared, all because someone decided to hurt me as a child. PTSD never crossed my mind. I thought that was something only service members got diagnosed with. I never told anyone of my abuse until I was in my 20s, but even then I didn’t deal with it. I didn’t date until I was out of high school because I was so uncomfortable around men. If I ever met someone that didn’t scare me, I KNEW they must have been a good person, because that NEVER happened! It wasn’t until I turned 30 that I went to a therapist and started to deal with what happened to me. I am finally living a somewhat normal life. I still have many fears, but I don’t spend everyday terrified of life and things that COULD happen. For that I am very thankful! | 2019-09-11T22:42:34.000Z | d2yehr | 0 | 4 | ptsd | I spent my life terrified of my own shadow...and no one but myself knew why | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2yehr/i_spent_my_life_terrified_of_my_own_shadowand_no/ |
[deleted] | I know us with PTSD need to be careful when alcohol is concerned. But part of my PTSD is related to an even 18yrs ago today.
I still can't watch TV nor read the news headlines. I spend every 9/11 wondering if I or my friends are going to be forced to relive something happening like that moment again. I mourn for my friends I lost. I mourn for the families of those that were lost. I try and often fail to celebrate the bravery of everyone that survived and helped others do the same. But most of all I pray!
So a toast to everyone that survived and remembers. To those that we lost! And to those that gave up their lives so other could survive. And to those that still fight for their lives because of that terrible day. A remembrance to all of those who went to work or boarded a plane thinking it was just another day.
You all have my prayers and I salute you! | 2019-09-11T21:31:05.000Z | d2xdfc | 0 | 40 | ptsd | A toast to those who find Sept a difficult month and today the worst of all | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2xdfc/a_toast_to_those_who_find_sept_a_difficult_month/ |
Duck_Walker | I don't see on first glance any real introduction posts or 'my story'. Is that taboo here? I am really in the initial phases of things and don't want to cross any lines. I'm here more to read and learn and try to begin to understand, along with help from my counselor. | 2019-09-11T21:14:13.000Z | d2x4lv | 2 | 7 | ptsd | Newly diagnosed, would like to particapte | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2x4lv/newly_diagnosed_would_like_to_particapte/ |
Gotsims | Oh
Gee
Thanks
Never would’ve thought of it without your help
Haha guess I’ll just snap outta my complex trauma!! Who knew it was as easy as just not losing control of my body’s state of existence! My problems r all SOLVED i can be FREE thanks to this WISDOM
( Fuck off ) | 2019-09-11T19:45:56.000Z | d2vsqv | 1 | 5 | ptsd | Told to grow a thicker skin because i had a panic attack at work by someone trying to be helpful [venting] | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2vsqv/told_to_grow_a_thicker_skin_because_i_had_a_panic/ |
jadesdossier | Do you ever feel like you have to constantly convince yourself that your trauma has happened? I know it has and I know that it’s valid, but sometimes it feels far away enough that I can tell myself that it’s “easy” to get over, but of course every time I try to tell myself to get over it, that doesn’t resolve anything. In all honesty, I guess I’m just still in denial about what happened and although I don’t expect to ever forget it- I really don’t know how to function without thinking about it. What do I take away from it? Am I just supposed to move on? I don’t want to pity myself but it feels nearly impossible to not go a day without thinking about the trauma or trying my hardest to repress/avoid it. | 2019-09-11T19:03:49.000Z | d2v603 | 3 | 12 | ptsd | I don’t really know what to do | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2v603/i_dont_really_know_what_to_do/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-11T17:44:33.000Z | d2tzdf | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Small Town | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2tzdf/small_town/ |
ImNotAJellyFish | Okay, so a couple of days ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and since then I can’t stop crying, getting angry easily, being constantly anxious. Is this normal after being diagnosed, I wasn’t like this before being diagnosed, I had flashbacks and nightmares about the trauma but it didn’t affect me all day everyday.
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I can’t hold a conversation with anyone. I’m scared that the diagnosis has made it worse.
Is this normal?! | 2019-09-11T10:54:08.000Z | d2o8jg | 4 | 2 | ptsd | I don’t know what to do | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2o8jg/i_dont_know_what_to_do/ |
some-velvet-morning | It’s ironic and frustrating, because I spend 99% of the time hyper-vigilant and on edge, and constantly perceiving innocent situations as being a threat to me. But when I’m in a situation that actually could be dangerous, suddenly I become naive and trusting and vulnerable. I look back on times when I trusted somebody who in hindsight I absolutely should not have trusted, I just apparently ignored the million red flags, and I gave out personal information that I shouldn’t have, and potentially seriously endangered myself. I never realize what happened until I look back on it afterwards and I feel like a complete idiot. | 2019-09-11T10:11:07.000Z | d2nszc | 6 | 50 | ptsd | Hypervigilant and paranoid at all times, except for the specific times where I actually should be | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2nszc/hypervigilant_and_paranoid_at_all_times_except/ |
username11813 | Mine is looking at pictures of my kids after they go to bed and reminding myself that they are the reason I keep fighting | 2019-09-11T08:06:25.000Z | d2mps1 | 22 | 13 | ptsd | What is one thing, no matter how small, that brings you joy? | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2mps1/what_is_one_thing_no_matter_how_small_that_brings/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-11T05:02:44.000Z | d2kys2 | 2 | 5 | ptsd | does it ever get better? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2kys2/does_it_ever_get_better/ |
dddulcie | This is the first time this had happened to me. I’ve been numb and dissociated for so long until the flashbacks began a few weeks ago, and I very very recently accepted the trauma.
Long story short, today I found myself in a flood of mixed emotions. I think I had no idea how to process everything, (mad at my mom but sad for my mom but sad for me but mad at me and in and on and on) and I found myself pacing and talking and talking and talking, I couldn’t sit still. I was just walking around the apartment telling my girlfriend about all these conflicting emotions and I just kept saying “it’s bubbling I think it’s all just bubbling.”
I’ve never found myself like that. My mom was bipolar and I would see her run around the house just talking about 100 things at once. I don’t want that to be me.
I’ve never had manic or hypomanic episodes, bipolar has been ruled out, so I’m just really hoping this wasn’t manic, and wondering what it was.
I still feel like I can’t stop the talking and the thinking and I think and hope it’s just me feeling a lot of emotions that I don’t know how to process. | 2019-09-11T03:03:25.000Z | d2jl0n | 2 | 5 | ptsd | When first processing the trauma, have you ever found yourself in a manic-like state? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2jl0n/when_first_processing_the_trauma_have_you_ever/ |
EFIRE23 | *Edit* I talked to him. He was very understanding and said that he’d put a note by my name on their system, so if I do end up in that area, they’ll figure out a way to keep me from having to deliver there.
To start, I do intend to talk to my boss about my fear, but it’s a little tricky since I don’t have an official diagnosis yet and I don’t know if having an official diagnosis will help any.
But. My route is different every day. I’m in different parts of town every day. And I worry that I’ll end up having my old complex on my route. After finding my brother dead from suicide and after the break in, I get major panic attacks being over there, it’s too hard and painful to be there.
Any advice on how to approach it with my boss? Any advice on what I can do, if say I do have no choice but to deliver to that complex. | 2019-09-11T02:45:25.000Z | d2jcqq | 17 | 59 | ptsd | I’m a delivery driver & im terrified if I ever have to deliver to my old apartment complex. | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2jcqq/im_a_delivery_driver_im_terrified_if_i_ever_have/ |
Lonestar189 | So I haven’t been officially diagnosed (long and weird story on why I can’t yet) but I’m sure that I have a mild form of it. So today, I was taking self defense class. We practiced defending against behind chokes. Immediately when I heard that, my heart started racing and my mind went back to October 16th 2018. But I managed to keep my cool. And I calmed down when we started to practice so thankfully that episode only lasted maybe a couple minutes or a little more. My question is, do you ever sometimes appear calm on the outside to others during a flashback? | 2019-09-11T02:25:44.000Z | d2j39o | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Looking calm on the outside? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2j39o/looking_calm_on_the_outside/ |
janaoq1 | I feel like I lost myself and I don't kbow who I am. I lost every pleasure I've felt my life. I used to write, sing, draw. I used to be artistic. I feel like I lost everything that made me who I was. | 2019-09-11T02:20:01.000Z | d2j0h4 | 7 | 3 | ptsd | How much of your self steem diminished with the ptsd? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2j0h4/how_much_of_your_self_steem_diminished_with_the/ |
fozzal | I, found this topic (PTSD), carried a fair amount of stigma, especially with Family/Friends. This being due to the fact they did not know or could not be bothered to understand what it is.
It is an ailment that I suffer and have done for years and struggled to come to terms with until I opened up.
My way of acceptance and coming to terms was through Councillors, over the years, because they made me see that I was no different to anyone else. I learnt my triggers and their management.
BUT! The biggest acceptance was being open and telling Family/Friends. If they did not wish to believe me, that was their problem. However I knew I was open and honest.
I am lucky in that I do have some who understand and that gives me confidence to continue. I’m never 100% well in myself, and never will be. I am normally in a good headspace even at times of ups and downs. I manage without medication which I pride my self on. It’s not easy I will add.
In closing I would like to say, I have never gone public like this until today, and will admit this has not been easy to put together and post. Finally I wish all of you the strength to continue as there is good at the end. Thank you. | 2019-09-11T00:46:50.000Z | d2hqba | 2 | 9 | ptsd | COURAGE TO GO PUBLIC (PTSD) | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2hqba/courage_to_go_public_ptsd/ |
lonelyflowerx01 | I fought long and hard to stay in college and try to earn a degree because the first time I went to college, I dropped out with no direction in my life, but now im in my last semester, I am very burnt out and feel like I had enough. I am in my last semester but I don't think I can handle it anymore. I am very depressed and tired from my trauma, being in classrooms is so triggering for me, not to mention i am surrounded by immature people. Today for both of my classes we had to arrange our seats in stupid circles because the professors want us to be familiar and see each other which instantly made me uncomfortable, I had to keep fighting my fight or flight instinct from getting the hell out of there. I succeed in staying in one whole class but could barely hack the other and left an hour. my eyes were darting all over the place. I make people uncomfortable too with my ptsd symptoms
I have no idea what the hell I am doing in college in the first place, I have no idea what career I want to do or passionate about, I highly doubt my cptsd will even let me be able to hold down a career for a long time. I was pressured by my mother to go because she believes a degree will make me successful/give me better options. I am studying psychology and I don't want to be a counselor anymore, so now I feel I am wasting my time with these classes that is causing me extreme discomfort. I feel id rather die than go back there another day.
the commute is also horrible and overwhelming for me. whenever I go there I always have to fight back tears both on the way to school and in class, its always rush hour, so I have to walk by billions of people each day, I had a guy get mad at me cause I was in his way and didn't know which way to go, another person pushed by me without saying sorry, the city I live in (nyc) is way too hectic and fast paced for me. Im always on edge each day and its never gotten easier despite my one year of toughing it out. I was in therapy but that didn't really help me, im currently taking Zoloft but don't feel much of a difference, (iv taken other meds before as well) maybe I need a change of environment
I think I still have time to drop my classes, though im not sure if I would owe money. I regret not just transferring out to an online college at least, if im unable to drop out, do you have any advice/hacks on how to handle classes that are triggering, some of my classes are discussion based where we get into circles and discuss, im thinking of just dropping one class to put less pressure on me and then transfer anyway to an online school for January.
im feeling sick of thinking of going tomorrow for my other class since I will have to do those awful icebreakers/introductions which I am thinking of skipping (most likely will) | 2019-09-11T00:01:12.000Z | d2h3no | 3 | 9 | ptsd | Today was my first day back to college for my final semester, had to step out of the classroom due to my hypervigilance, not sure if i can stick out for my last semester. Needing advice/help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2h3no/today_was_my_first_day_back_to_college_for_my/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T21:57:31.000Z | d2fap5 | 7 | 2 | ptsd | Is it possible to have PTSD from an unknown cause? | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2fap5/is_it_possible_to_have_ptsd_from_an_unknown_cause/ |
orbitn | My doctor has diagnosed me with PTSD following an incident in 2016. I don't feel like i've 'earned' the diagnosis, and i want to know if this is a common feeling. I'll put down what happened to me, but I want to know if this feeling is common? I feel like i'd be a 'imposter' in a PTSD support forum. But my doctor said I needed to talk to people who have been through this, but I can't just leave the house whenever I want - I can't drive at the moment. I associate PTSD with.. well, things that are much more stereotypical. I hope my primary care doctor is wrong and that this isn't PTSD but he said i need to reach out on this.
I'm sorry this is so long but I haven't told the story in a while. I've never gotten to tell this story to anyone who could help me or at least understand some of it. The details are a bit fuzzy because my memory is totally screwed (i have amnesia, AmA ;) And the writing style is meandering because my brain is completely messed up.
I had my very first seizure behind the wheel of a car in small town in rural TN. Luckily noone hurt but me, cops thought i was intoxicated, i was not. I couldn't walk, speak clearly, tell them where i was, etc. Swabbed my mouth, put me in jail instead of the hospital, had a second smaller seizure. In jail for 5 days could not contact anyone to help me out. Young thug in jail took a 'liking' to me and kept threatening to kill me or stab my eye out with the shiv he kept showing me. Said he thought i was gay and that he'd tell others and i wouldn't make it out. Taken to court, still confused. Plead guilty to avoid felony charge and 1y sentence. Got time served, fine and lost my license. roommate at the time ended up calling missing persons line to find me. My brother came to get me. Dropped me off at my roommate's house. They asked me to move out. I am on disability, i ended up in a roach-infested hellhole for 2 years, completely alone and unable to drive. Spent a lot of time in my own head. Had three subsequent seizures, the last one being so bad it caused severe memory loss in episodic and semantic memories and caused a personality change.. i also broke my end table, dislocated my shoulder, and broke my nose. No money for medical care. I had sleep issues all the way back in 2013 but now they were so much more severe. It took 2 hours for me to fall asleep, and i slept for 1, maybe 2 hours and had a nightmare each and every time i fell asleep. Not exaggerating. Each and every time. And it still happens, but now i can fall asleep easier. Nightmares are still there, though.
Things are slightly better now, reconnected with an old friend and we moved to a nicer place. I still can't drive - i'm medically cleared but financially i can't afford it. But the emotional issues are still there. Every time i see a police officer i get a shock of dread and fear in my mind. If i see some ad for "orange is the new black" or similar, i have to leave the room or change the channel. I feel i was run through the system so fast without any regard for my health or humanity. The burden of all this - both the seizure in the car and all it's consequences echo into each and every day of my life since. I don't feel i have true freedom yet. And i don't feel i'll ever get it. So, i decided I was done with it, all. I swallowed a gigantic amount of pills.
Thing is, when you do that and your friend comes in and calls 911, they take you to the hospital, do some stuff to make sure you don't die, then the ER sends you to a different hospital with soft walls and soft food. They send you by a police officer. in Tennessee, the police handcuff you and put you in the back seat of the cruiser. And then they make light of the situation. Once those handcuffs went on, I couldn't handle it anymore. I went 'away' for a little while in my mind.
Im sorry if all this seems sort of rambling and disjointed. the seizures caused some issues with how my brain works. It caused a lot of damage, in a lot of ways.
Thanks for reading. It feels good to get this off my chest in an environment where someone may understand. I just feel like an imposter
​
EDIT: Thank all of you. You are all amazing, great people. Now i've found a group of people who understand and it's a great feeling. I feel relieved, just a little bit. | 2019-09-10T21:43:11.000Z | d2f2qo | 38 | 61 | ptsd | I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I feel unworthy of the diagnosis. | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2f2qo/ive_been_diagnosed_with_ptsd_i_feel_unworthy_of/ |
the_eldritch_whore | I've never been able to really have sober sex, and when I have it's been very difficult and unenjoyable.
I've been married for 8 years, to my only sex partner. He is kind and patient and understanding, but I know it hurts him when I push him away (often literally) when he makes advances on me.
I have a pretty extensive history of sexual abuse and assault that I don't want to get into at the moment. I have C-PTSD from (and other non sexual trauma).
Recently I was put into chemical menopause to treat a severe hormone disorder I have and am looking to get a hysterectomy in the next couple of years.
And I feel great! Most the the mental health issues that have plagued me since puberty have disappeared. But my libido vanished along with it. I feel pretty much asexual at this point, things that used to stimulate me no longer do and now I am more reliant on things like alcohol to make me comfortable with sex than ever before.
But I am left with the PTSD and being forced to finally face it.
So I am here to ask, what can I do the improve this? Do I *have* to go the therapy? When I've tried to address this with therapists they got really uncomfortable and skirted the issue.
Are there any kind of good PTSD workbooks I can do on my own to try to work this out? I just feel like this is going to destroy my marriage if I don't address it swiftly. | 2019-09-10T20:03:59.000Z | d2dhpj | 6 | 6 | ptsd | Sex after sexual assault and abuse? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2dhpj/sex_after_sexual_assault_and_abuse/ |
xyz9808 | Just a quick rant.
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and have finally been able to accept that i have triggers and not just ignore them, or think that it's just because I'm 'a baby'. There's been several times this week that men have done that are relatively harmless for example:
1. a car speeding through my apartment complex late at night
2. a guy speeding up to wave at me at the highway
3. a maintenance guy asking when I'd be home and offering to stop by late at night to check my a/c.
It sounds so selfish but i just wish they could know what they were doing upsetting me, I wish I lived in a perfect little world. | 2019-09-10T19:00:36.000Z | d2cglo | 1 | 6 | ptsd | I wish that people could know that they're triggering me- a rant [trigger warning] | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2cglo/i_wish_that_people_could_know_that_theyre/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T17:21:28.000Z | d2awvh | 5 | 58 | ptsd | NSFW I was let down by the service's | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2awvh/nsfw_i_was_let_down_by_the_services/ |
tobecontinued89 | I hadn't used my laptop in a long time and couple weeks ago I finally fixed the charger and was able to get it back up and running. That was a blessing and I am thankful for it- it made me appreciate having one and being able to use all the capabilities it provides. It also made me realize I have way too many files with very little organization(10 years worth of digital pictures, journals, homeworks, music, movies, memories and more). So I started organizing.
And somehow I find myself organizing my journaling writings and got to a bunch of journaling I did in the summer I got PTSD. In the fall following it, it was all burning bright in my mind, clearer than anything I had known, and I needed to put it in writing. I didn't even know what PTSD was, just that the summer events were burning bright and crisp in my mind while the present was fading in comparison. So I wrote and wrote. It's a bit file. Maybe more than 30000 words. It's important part of history and I don't want to delete it, but I shouldn't have read it. Even with all the confusion when I wrote it, it still makes me sync into that memory, that feeling of going through something that trumps everything I know. That feeling of never feeling safe or at home, and knowing I have to prepare for survival, I have to do, I have to change, at that day, that moment, or else I won't make it. Somehow the way I've written it makes me feel exactly how I did then; small. Like everything in the present shrinks in comparison. Like I can't think about anything else, I can't move, I can't breathe and my mind is racing. Like my head is filled with cotton and I can't string a thought together that would make sense, and anything I need to do can and must wait. Like I'm headed for some sort of battle but I'm not ready and I must do something, anything, to get closer to my goals, or else I won't be safe. My head is a mess right now. I know it's my fault, but I still can't control it. | 2019-09-10T16:30:57.000Z | d2a41u | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Hit a trigger and I am completely freezing... | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2a41u/hit_a_trigger_and_i_am_completely_freezing/ |
chezburgerdreams | I recently had to fire my therapist and I need to find a new one. For the last two decades, I've tried pretty much every course of treatment (EMDR, meds, CBT, DBT, hospitalization, suppressing with drugs/alcohol). One thing I've not tried is somatic therapy and was wondering if anyone had experience with it.
Previously I've approached my trauma and mental illness with an inside out approach. I heal the emotions, I heal the effects it ravages on my body. But somatic therapy is sort of the opposite I think. Dealing with the body and how it relates to the mind. Not the other way around. EMDR is a type of somatic therapy I think and I've had great success with that, though it's utterly exhausting.
Anyway, would love to check in with anyone who's done this type of therapy. | 2019-09-10T16:22:04.000Z | d29z2d | 0 | 4 | ptsd | Somatic therapy | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d29z2d/somatic_therapy/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T14:45:48.000Z | d28irh | 1 | 4 | ptsd | Need advice. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d28irh/need_advice/ |
RIP_huell_howser | I had a panic attack last night when my partner and I were having sex. Everything was great until everything seemed wrong and I pushed him off of me and started crying and having an anxiety attack. I haven’t had one in a long time, so long that I can’t remember when my last one was. This has shaken me up because I felt like I was doing okay and then out of no where this happened. Now I’m scared of it happening again. Does anyone else have your trauma just randomly hit you at unexpected times? | 2019-09-10T14:31:31.000Z | d28bk0 | 1 | 6 | ptsd | First Panic Attack in a long time. | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d28bk0/first_panic_attack_in_a_long_time/ |
Impressive_Onion | I'll be getting my license next Tuesday, and that will be the start of my gym career. I'm the closing manager at a pizza place, so the plan is to close there, and at around 1 am go to a nearby gym and just do. I don't care what, but honestly just anything. I've already kinda got some workouts planned, but nothing too strenuous, I'm an asthmatic after all. Does anyone have any tips on what I should do to lose belly and arm fat so that I can at least have something to focus on?? Less cardio, please! My body is built for weight lifting! | 2019-09-10T14:22:41.000Z | d287f3 | 3 | 2 | ptsd | Exercise | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d287f3/exercise/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T14:21:34.000Z | d286wz | 0 | 2 | ptsd | Triggers I Can’t Get Away From | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d286wz/triggers_i_cant_get_away_from/ |
aspiringandroid | I moved in with my partner's family a year ago to escape my toxic and abusive home life. I was subsequently diagnosed with c-ptsd. my partner's stepdad has always had a problem with anger, but recently he's been getting worse. he's got a hair-trigger, and he especially likes taking his anger out on my partner, who seems to do something new to upset him daily. we're working on getting him into counseling, but in the meantime it's just. so exhausting. I'm bringing up old coping mechanisms and habits and I don't want to be this way anymore. I thought I was past this. and it hurts to be hurting and scared in my own right and also trying to help my partner, who is also hurting and scared but without the benefit (if you wanna call it that) of abused-kid disconnect. it's 5.27 am and I can't get back to sleep because this is all so frustrating. | 2019-09-10T11:28:08.000Z | d267qw | 4 | 1 | ptsd | I thought I got out but my new place is re-traumatizing. [ vent ] | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d267qw/i_thought_i_got_out_but_my_new_place_is/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T11:23:34.000Z | d26630 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Wanted to share my story of getting free from drugs and alcohol and what a rollercoaster ride life has become. 9 months later and I feel my life beginning to unfreeze slowly as I'm trying to find engagement with the world again | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d26630/wanted_to_share_my_story_of_getting_free_from/ |
Latinvero305 | null | 2019-09-10T10:16:46.000Z | d25jvp | 25 | 35 | ptsd | I just got out a psych hospital for goin into a mental breakdown. Good vibes for my recovery w ptsd and depression? | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d25jvp/i_just_got_out_a_psych_hospital_for_goin_into_a/ |
magic_waves | this disorder has erased all sense of self, anything somewhat unique or gifted or wonderful about me i used to be motivated and intelligent and enthusiastic and now i don't care i can't feel anything im not real and nothing is real or meaningful | 2019-09-10T08:22:14.000Z | d24mp7 | 21 | 66 | ptsd | i don't know who i am anymore | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d24mp7/i_dont_know_who_i_am_anymore/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T06:51:22.000Z | d23x4l | 0 | 3 | ptsd | abuse connections? (trigger warning: childhood abuse and partner abuse) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d23x4l/abuse_connections_trigger_warning_childhood_abuse/ |
[deleted] | Hey all. I care about you and I just wanted to let you know that the Veteran Affairs put out a free (and available to everyone) app called PTSD couch. It helps me track when I have a bad episode so I can discuss it with my therapist. It also gives tips for coping. And for helping your family cope. I recommend it as an aid.
Love you and you matter. | 2019-09-10T05:11:53.000Z | d2326k | 0 | 7 | ptsd | A helpful tip. | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2326k/a_helpful_tip/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T05:08:49.000Z | d2318c | 8 | 30 | ptsd | Oversharing about traumatic experiences | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d2318c/oversharing_about_traumatic_experiences/ |
[deleted] | What should I expect? I've been to therapy in the past for other reasons, but never stayed long enough to improve. | 2019-09-10T03:56:08.000Z | d22bnh | 3 | 23 | ptsd | Finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist after a year of denying something was wrong. | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d22bnh/finally_made_an_appointment_to_see_a_psychiatrist/ |
qiankgs | Two years ago I \[17F\] escaped a 3-year long abusive relationship. Those two years I dated someone new, but she threw all my triggers back in my face when we broke up and left me devastated for months.
In the past year I've made friends with a great guy \[18M\]. We're best friends and he has stuck with me through the good and the bad without complaint, and I've done the same. He's smart, kind, funny, caring, and overall amazing. He always makes sure I'm comfortable and makes sure to accommodate my needs and is just overall better than I could have ever asked for. In the past month we've started going on dates, but not quite dating.
One of the biggest problems I have is I just can't let him in. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to turn into one of the monsters from my past relationships. I can never let him pay at restaurants because I'm terrified he'll use it against me. I never let him comfort me on bad days because I'm afraid he'll use my feelings against me. I never let myself be vulnerable around him because I feel like it's too good to be true, like it's a trap.
Logically, I know he would never do this to me. I know that he's my best friend, that he's never shown any red flags and that he's nothing like the nightmares from my past. Logically, I know I'm safe with him.
Emotionally, I'm always on edge. I'm always waiting for him to snap and become the monster I'm used to. I can never relax, I'm always terrified.
More than anything, I want to let him in. I want to be able to be happy with this guy who makes me feel safe and loved in a healthy way I've never known. I just want to leave this behind and be happy, but I have no idea how to. I just wish I could feel alright, I'm so tired of this. | 2019-09-10T03:14:16.000Z | d21veq | 1 | 5 | ptsd | Waiting for the other shoe to drop | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d21veq/waiting_for_the_other_shoe_to_drop/ |
littlestredplanet | Do any of you have experience with it? I'm going to possibly be trying it at my next therapy session after my therapist said it may be good for me. And do you have any advice for what kind of trauma memories to start with? I just don't really know what to expect but I'm willing to try it. | 2019-09-10T01:59:57.000Z | d20zlm | 0 | 1 | ptsd | EDMR advice? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d20zlm/edmr_advice/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T01:51:47.000Z | d20vy4 | 6 | 3 | ptsd | My hair is falling out | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d20vy4/my_hair_is_falling_out/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-10T01:19:25.000Z | d20h0n | 2 | 6 | ptsd | My PSTD | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/d20h0n/my_pstd/ |