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MariaJane83 | It feels like I’m shedding these hardened layers, these armadillo shields that have fused with my flesh. Every attempt to loosen them is painful and real even though no one can see the hold they have on me. I’m left feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable but also incredibly hopeful and alert to keep those shields from fusing to my flesh again. Slowly I can see this foreign underbelly as the layers peel away. I can see a softness I miss, a new carefree and joyful feeling, and I feel lighter all over. My muscles ache less, my steps aren’t weighted and my mind feels sharper. Some days the very shields I have loosened from my flesh suddenly surround me, blocking my vision, shortening my breath. They threaten to overtake me and fear multiplies, captivating my thoughts. They can render me powerless if I allow it. These looming towers of shame, guilt and anger...they look so powerful hovering over my tender, pink exposed flesh. Yet when I uncurl my body, my long lines stretching and flexing new found strength, I suddenly see I am the powerful one. | 2019-10-03T12:49:23.000Z | dcqfj7 | 7 | 8 | ptsd | Therapy | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcqfj7/therapy/ |
ifailatlifelol | Dear redditors
I hope this is the right place for this
Last summer I learned that my mother had been raped, twice. She never told this to me or my sister and I'm not sure if even my father knows.
My mother was in a fight with my grandmother when she said she was raped. My mother does not know that I am aware of this.
I know that she struggles with depression and anxiety, I found a note (she writes down most things as she is kind of forgetful) where she had written she got diagnosed with ptsd and that she is on medication now.
There are times when I actually see she's feeling good but right now she is just lying in bed all day. I don't say this as an insult but I know my own struggles with depression and how hard it can be, sleeping most of the time is one of the best ways to "avoid life" in my opinion.
Our family doesn't really talk about mental health or anything actually. I have a very "bland" relationship with my parents. They support me and they want me to have a good life but fail to see past my own struggles.
I have been lurking around this forum a bit, trying to understand what PTSD is and how to help her with it, but as I've said before we do not really talk.
I just wonder what I can do for mom, and I thought this would be the best place to ask.
Thank you for reading this | 2019-10-03T12:35:04.000Z | dcq9hz | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Mom with PTSD | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcq9hz/mom_with_ptsd/ |
tobecontinued89 | I just did one of those and I am just thinking that there are other things I've done like that. When I get in catastrophizing mode for whatever stressful thing has happened and I just react while in panic and I can't really stop myself until I calm down. Examples are:
\-asking for help when I would rather not- in places I don't expect to get help, in any manner possible, taking risks in ways I would never do otherwise
\-writing many messages before the person I am writing to has managed to respond- thinking they aren't writing me back on purpose or something
\-not answering messages I should
\-not doing a task I should because I have this panicky everything is falling apart feeling. and then I just postpone the task couple of hours, even if I feel postponing it is a bad bad idea
\-cancelling class or appointment that is few days away, because I'm having a rough week and I think I may not be able to go, and I don't like cancelling last moment. ...
\-getting out and buying unhealthy food(when that was more of an option for my budget)
Anyone else? I feel really awful later, but I've usually done these while in overwhelming can't-breathe-need-to-do-something panic and I can't take them back. Not always anyways. And sometimes doing these has helped me even if I don't like the feeling. Sometimes not. But they have happened anyway. If I remember making a list and braindumping all I want to impulsively do for later evaluation, then I can sometimes stop myself. But not always. | 2019-10-03T12:21:44.000Z | dcq45u | 4 | 1 | ptsd | Do you ever do things in panic, like can't control yourself panic? | 0.6 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcq45u/do_you_ever_do_things_in_panic_like_cant_control/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T08:37:05.000Z | dco2eo | 6 | 0 | ptsd | why does everything fucking suck | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dco2eo/why_does_everything_fucking_suck/ |
Josh43121 | Hey! I have been working on this project for a while now and wanted to share it with you: [www.iamfeelinganxious.com](https://www.iamfeelinganxious.com/)
It’s a digital coach that helps in difficult moments – whether it’s feelings of stress or panic, losing sleep, repetitive worrying or procrastinating.
The chatbot guides people through quick and easy-to-use exercises, such as short meditations, mindfulness and CBT techniques. The goal is simple: *When you leave the site, you should feel a little better than before.*
I hope that I will be able to help out a lot of people this way :) | 2019-10-03T07:33:04.000Z | dcnkp4 | 10 | 31 | ptsd | I created a chatbot to help with anxiety and stress :) | 0.87 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcnkp4/i_created_a_chatbot_to_help_with_anxiety_and/ |
[deleted] | I don’t have much to say about the TW other than the title.
I just got out of the hospital a week ago from a suicide attempt. I hit the ground running because I missed the first day of school, so going back to university felt hellish. I had no time to focus on myself or my health and ended up dropping a class I was behind on in the series. I’ve been switching around classes and then playing catch-up, feeling drained from having to see people, and I feel like I haven’t really gotten much better— only my act has gotten better. My life is falling apart. I may have survived my attempt, but it truly feels as if I had died that day.
I know I shouldn’t have quit the meds like that, but it started out as rationing, since I missed my psych appointment because I overdosed to kill myself, and then the rescheduled appointment was during a class, so I won’t get to see him till October. But then the rationing became kind of an excuse, and then it became a taste aversion. The thought of taking pills now after being forced to yak them up with someone else’s finger jamming down your throat is extremely unpleasant. It’s enough to make me feel nauseated. I feel extremely faint and dizzy most of the time but emotionally, numb. It’s almost like my anxiety is going away. I still want to lie in bed all day and waste away, not doing anything, but at the same time, not feeling these crazy emotions and thinking these terrible thoughts is a nice break. It’s so quiet. | 2019-10-03T07:22:17.000Z | dcnhlz | 1 | 3 | ptsd | I’ve cold turkey-ed my medications after a suicide attempt and now I feel totally empty and devoid of feeling. CW: Suicide attempt | 0.72 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcnhlz/ive_cold_turkeyed_my_medications_after_a_suicide/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T05:46:11.000Z | dcmo8o | 2 | 0 | ptsd | Physical issues caused by ptsd | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcmo8o/physical_issues_caused_by_ptsd/ |
imabluejay | So I have severe ptsd and anxiety disorder, and am unable to work very much because of it. I planning on getting a service dog (I'm a certified service dog trainer, it's my job), but I'm unable to due to my current living situation.
I love my job, but commuting to and from work, along with long work days causes more stress than it's worth for my health. My boyfriend makes enough for both of us to live comfortably, but I like my job, and don't just want to be lazy at home all day.
I was wondering, how do I get on disability? I don't want my boyfriend keeping up with all of the bills, I want to help out.
Does anybody know how, or any tips on finding out how?
Please and thank you in advance | 2019-10-03T05:04:41.000Z | dcmb42 | 14 | 7 | ptsd | How do I get on disability? (USA) | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcmb42/how_do_i_get_on_disability_usa/ |
thisyellowlifeofmine | I was carjacked at gunpoint about 3 years ago. And at times I have panic attacks where I’m just waiting for the gun to go off | 2019-10-03T04:15:31.000Z | dclu41 | 5 | 6 | ptsd | NSFW I’m waiting for the gun to go off | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dclu41/nsfw_im_waiting_for_the_gun_to_go_off/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T03:44:16.000Z | dclj26 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | For those who have had rTMS: did it have an impact on your ptsd? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dclj26/for_those_who_have_had_rtms_did_it_have_an_impact/ |
BugetHead | Part of what caused me to get PTSD was narcissistic abuse. I now work with one, and it is draining me.
Advice? | 2019-10-03T03:40:31.000Z | dclhmo | 0 | 0 | ptsd | How do you deal with narcissist’s at work? | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dclhmo/how_do_you_deal_with_narcissists_at_work/ |
R_Lau_18 | NSFW: MULTIPLE TRIGGER WARNING
So I had surgery for an anal fissure three times over summer, and had multiple traumatic experiences; a couple of times I took so much paracetomol/cocodamol that I thought I was going to die as I drifted off to sleep (wasn't trying to kill myself, more that I took dangerous amounts out of desperation because the pain was not being treated properly), aswell as the image of the sheer amount of blood that was pouring out post-first operation (not to mention the sheer amount of sleep-curbing pain I was in for about a month) burned into my mind.
I'm not sure if I have PTSD, but I feel like I may well do - I've been experiencing really bad mood swings, losing my temper and finding myself in totally uncontrollable rages at times, finding myself hardboring violent impulses (particularly toward women, which I personally find incredibly disturbing), and generally feeling overcome by emotion at least once a day. I've also been feeling incredibly anxious about socialising due to the fact that I don't want people talking to me about my illness as I'm shook to discuss it, aswell as general anxiety/panic attacks which have often come at random.
I guess I just need some reaasurance here because I'm not sure if I do have PTSD and I don't want to make anyone feel less valid here because obvs, my experience has been incredibly trivial compared to some of the stuff some ppl have seen. I feel like I'm fucking losing it, and every time I drink now I begin to feel suicidally depressed. I don't know what to do. | 2019-10-03T03:00:35.000Z | dcl28u | 1 | 1 | ptsd | NSFW: Do I have PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcl28u/nsfw_do_i_have_ptsd/ |
sprinkles523 | Hello everyone,
So very happy to have found this group, thank you for all the support! I was hoping someone is going through what I am or has in the past and can help advise me what to do.
I work in retail as a key holder and have been with the company for 3 years now. There is constant harassment on days off to go in and cover for people. The harassment triggers my PTSD. Even when I say politely no, I'm sorry I have other obligations like my therapy appointments or doctor appointments my boss and co-workers will not accept no for an answer.
They keep pushing and I feel forced to tell them why I cannot go in just so they leave my alone and still they ask again for me to come in and use guilt to try to get me to come in. I cannot afford to quit, but this is in no way a healthy work environment and my boss I have seen him act in a retaliatory manner to others. Can I go to HR or should I seek outside advice? | 2019-10-03T02:58:26.000Z | dcl1db | 2 | 4 | ptsd | Harassment at work triggering PTSD | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcl1db/harassment_at_work_triggering_ptsd/ |
queen_angela | His children and his ex-wife and even the licensed psychologist were painting him as the victim who “enjoys” his trauma. I felt that this episode was rather abrasive. I was actually turned off. Did anyone feel this way? | 2019-10-03T02:35:09.000Z | dckrr7 | 5 | 3 | ptsd | Has anyone seen the TLC hoarders episode about the principal with PTSD? Is it just me or does anyone else feel like the show is trying to demonize him as a victim? | 0.72 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dckrr7/has_anyone_seen_the_tlc_hoarders_episode_about/ |
kvranesic | I went today!
After almost two years since my trauma!
Oh how nice it is to hear, “you’re taking the right steps.” | 2019-10-03T00:48:15.000Z | dcjijv | 3 | 21 | ptsd | Therapy! | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcjijv/therapy/ |
lolsappho | I just spent the weekend in the hospital having neurological tests done because I was having seizures uncontrollably. Over the course of 72 hours I probably had over 20 of them. I was diagnosed with PNES, or psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, which manifest as a result of trauma. Today I met with my psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with PTSD. I’ve set up weekly therapy sessions but I feel really displaced. I’m terrified of facing this trauma that I’ve been repressing for so long (which is why the PNES developed). I can’t even talk about the sexual trauma, and other trauma makes me squirm thinking about. On top of that I was mistreated by the nurses who didn’t know about PNES and assumed I was just faking everything, so I was consistently berated during/after seizures, making them worse and causing me to dissociate even more. One nurse even purposely hurt me to “prove” I was faking and I’m still in pain. So now I have to work through that. What do I even do. Where do I start. I feel so lost and I feel like no one I know understands trauma or if they do it’s so much worse than mine. I feel so alone. | 2019-10-03T00:27:53.000Z | dcj9dq | 3 | 10 | ptsd | Just Diagnosed, No Idea where to Start TW: medical abuse | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcj9dq/just_diagnosed_no_idea_where_to_start_tw_medical/ |
WaffleNomz | TW: MENTION OF RAPE
Last night I had my first really bad flashback. I have Complex PTSD and this was an emotional flashback (I know that now after my boyfriend and I did some reading).
For context, I was raped in my early teens by someone I thought I trusted. (Not a family member, but a "friend")
It started when we were hanging out upstairs with our neighbors. I kind of zoned out for a bit before this huge wave of panic and fear washed over me. At the same time, I thought "I gotta get out of here!" (fight or flight style) and "I don't want them to see whatever is about to go down."
I ended up running to the door, going out onto the balcony, slamming the door behind me, and sitting on a chair while hyperventilating, bouncing my legs, shaking like a leaf all over, and wringing my hands. My boyfriend came out after a few minutes to see if I was ok, and tried to calm me down by talking to me, asking me to describe exactly what I was feeling in detail (words were hard to get out), then just being there. A little bit later, our neighbor comes out to check up on us and after my boyfriend briefly explained the situation, she started rubbing my back, telling me she knew exactly what I was going through and how much it sucked. She was attacked in a parking lot in her 20's and had nightmares and flashbacks for a while after, and still has them occasionally. She actually started trying some grounding techniques on me; asking me what my favorite song was, or my favorite musician/band, then had me put my custom Spotify playlist on and focus on that.
It helped distract me a little until we went back downstairs to our apartment. My boyfriend had to guide me through the apartment. I was shaking and "frozen" and just felt terrified and unsafe for no good reason. My boyfriend guided me to the bedroom and had me lie down with him next to me. That's when "the dam broke."
I started hyperventilating, shaking, and crying hard, but tried to suppress it volume-wise. My boyfriend kept telling me in a soft voice "Just let it out. It's okay. Just let it happen."
So I did, after a little internal fighting.
I scream-cried into his chest for almost half an hour, tensing every single muscle in my body to the point of shaking. I cried till there was no air left in me and no sound came out. I literally "wailed", "bawled", "howled"... and whatever else you want to use to describe a complete and total loss of emotional control. (I actually messaged my neighbor late last night, apologizing for any "commotion") As I was "on the comedown", starting to catch my breath, but still crying pretty hard, my boyfriend got up, saying, "I think I know someone who might help...." When he came back, he picked up my arm and put my childhood teddy bear under my arm and said, "Know who that is?" (I was totally out of it, but I could smell my teddy. I've had her since I was 2, and I'll be 25 in 2 weeks) I just nodded and squeezed her, eventually calming down enough to just crash. When I came to, I was sweaty, sore, exhausted, and my hair was wet and matted from tears, sweat, and moving my head all over between gasping for air and curling up into my boyfriend's chest. He fixed dinner for me and had me take a shower to try to help. I ended up getting sick in the shower, and only slept about an hour to an hour and a half last night, shaking and crying quietly off and on till the alarm went off.
It hurt. It was the most pain I've felt in a very long time, and it was all emotional. I mean, today I feel like I was hit by a truck from the intensity of the episode I had last night. All my muscles are sore and I'm exhausted. But last night legitimately scared me. Once the feelings started flowing, it was like I was possessed by the "PTSD demon." All the feelings of intense anger, frustration, shame, self-disgust, guilt, and just memories of specific details of the event that I'd repressed/suppressed over the last 8 or 9 years started coming out hard and fast.
I was supposed to work today starting early in the morning, but had to "call in". Fortunately, I was going to be helping out my dad with senior pictures at my old high school (he's a professional photographer), so calling him in the state I was in wasn't as intimidating, and he told me it was fine after I explained the situation, and that my mom and godmother would be able to handle it. He still doesn't "get it", but he's trying his best to wrap his head around it, and it shows.
Actually thinking about it now in hindsight, dressing teenage boys (faux tuxedos and grad gowns) for 6+ hours would have probably done more harm than good. The smells, the attitudes, just... teenage boys in general, honestly. I've been home all day and am still on a "hair trigger." The girls are taking their pictures tomorrow, so I should be fine to help then.
I figured this would be the best place to share this. I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to tell "someone" about this that may be able to relate.
If anyone wants to share any stories of their first flashbacks (that they could identify, at least), go ahead and sound off in the comments. This is a community of support, and nobody is here to judge. | 2019-10-03T00:02:13.000Z | dcixvp | 0 | 4 | ptsd | First big flashback 😳 | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcixvp/first_big_flashback/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T20:58:18.000Z | dcgfe2 | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Complete withdrawal, unable to do anything and make basic decisions. | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcgfe2/complete_withdrawal_unable_to_do_anything_and/ |
spencerpng | Won’t get into detail, but does anybody put themselves through the same thing that traumatized them to try to numb the guilt and shame but end up feeling more guilty and more shameful? I haven’t even told my therapist or my friends because I’m such a piece of shit. I’ve been so proud of going five years without self harm but honestly this seems even worse and I know it’ll come back to bite me. Why do I have this compulsion to keep ruining my own life? Why has it always been my fault? | 2019-10-02T20:31:34.000Z | dcg1h3 | 12 | 22 | ptsd | Retraumatizing yourself? | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcg1h3/retraumatizing_yourself/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T19:31:36.000Z | dcf5fm | 5 | 1 | ptsd | Being Sober with PTSD | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcf5fm/being_sober_with_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T18:35:11.000Z | dcec77 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | overcoming fearful thoughts | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcec77/overcoming_fearful_thoughts/ |
freckleddeerborn | Tw: assault
This morning I had every intention of getting out of bed, showering and doing my makeup, going out to job search and hand out a couple resumes.
Usually I smoke a small joint in the morning but I decided I didn’t want anyone to not hire me if I seemed high or smelled.
Went along with my typical routine, spent a few minutes on Facebook. A FB friend of mine published an article about an ex boyfriend that assaulted her, and knocked her tooth out. This happened to me, too. And after reading her words, I just couldn’t stop going deeper into my memories.... having flashbacks BAD today and I have been weeping off and on. I feel like a failure, I’m embarrassed because I quit my job three weeks ago now😔 the weather is crummy and I can’t focus enough to do anything but lay, cry, or mindlessly scroll the internet.
I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time. My body feels heavy and numb and tired.
I know I have a lot of painful memories I can’t let go of because I suffered through it absolutely alone. I isolated and shut out my family for two years, my grandparents have disowned me because of it.
My abuser put my through so much emotional trauma, gaslighting me and at my worst, laughing at me and calling me pathetic, telling me no one cares.
I’m feeling jumbled so I’m sorry if this isn’t making sense. I feel like a little girl that just wants her mama. I feel like I would be hurting my mom if she knew what I went through alone. And I feel like she would be upset at me for hiding it for so long. (I left my abuser in 2017) | 2019-10-02T18:32:45.000Z | dceax4 | 2 | 6 | ptsd | Quit my job, downward spiral. Need to vent to someone that understands. | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dceax4/quit_my_job_downward_spiral_need_to_vent_to/ |
stellar152 | so backstory: I (30f) have ptsd from being in a mentally and physically abusive relationship for 12 years.. I ended it about 5 years ago and the ptsd didn’t really kick in until about 2 years ago. I work with veterans and realized I had some of the same symptoms, so I went to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with it last year. I haven’t dated in over two years. I’m triggered over stupid things and I have anxiety almost all the time. I feel like it’s not fair to anyone interested in dating me to be overwhelmed or to have to deal with any of my issues really. So I’m just wondering if any of you experienced this and how you went about it. | 2019-10-02T18:30:03.000Z | dce9ks | 7 | 12 | ptsd | When to tell someone you’re getting to know/dating that you have PTSD from an abusive relationship? | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dce9ks/when_to_tell_someone_youre_getting_to_knowdating/ |
Latinvero305 | I suffer w depression, anxiety and ptsd. I have recently been hospitalized involuntarily for my ptsd. This was good for me because the hospital is a respectable one n that means a good referral after. Well I have since downslided and self harmed and have had many anxiety attacks, daily. I went to the referral appt w hope and they told me their plan was to increase my antidepressant. But that was it. I explained this is affecting my way of life now if I have to wait 4-8 weeks to feel different I may not have a job. They refused to give anything for anxiety because I came off as a drug addict. I'm lost. I called bak asking to speak with another therapist and they gave me the boot. I can go elsewhere if I'm not gonna go with the planned med management. So here I am
. Crying in my car on my lunch break ,shaking in panic, eye twitching from desperation and ....lost. | 2019-10-02T17:15:02.000Z | dcd8uu | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Slowly losing grip to hope | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcd8uu/slowly_losing_grip_to_hope/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T17:12:40.000Z | dcd7o9 | 0 | 0 | ptsd | RTM | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcd7o9/rtm/ |
Ihavebeenelucidated | A lot of things led to my diagnosis. The most destructive was girls in the public education system having fun making my life a living hell. Some of the things they would do is lie to get me in trouble. I almost took my own life. Being in the workforce has taught me most people don't change that much after commencement. I feel a desire for a relationship with a woman on this planet, but I am afraid to pursue advances women make. Girls would tell me they like me just to laugh about it behind my back with their friends. I am afraid of a relationship because I know even seeking one could endanger my life. Can anyone relate? | 2019-10-02T17:11:07.000Z | dcd6xf | 1 | 0 | ptsd | Relationship PTSD | 0.25 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcd6xf/relationship_ptsd/ |
mar_tara | TW: weed
So I was looking for good coping mechanisms online and stumbled upon this website and I find this section about examples of external triggers. And it says "smells".
I'm honest here, I cried because I'm so happy. This feels so validating. In the last year I somehow developed a very strong reaction to the smell of weed. From "I just don't like the smell" I got full on triggered into flashbacks and whatnot.
My bf used to smoke a lot and he said that I just react extreme because I don't want him to smoke. He said he never heard of someone being triggered by smell.
Well f you! I did kind of think maybe he was right. How can I get triggered by something else than visuals, feelings, hearing. Yeah f you, I don't overreact.
Can't wait to tell him. I still have a long way to go to figure myself out but this feels like a little victory. I'm not that crazy. | 2019-10-02T17:05:40.000Z | dcd3z8 | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Smell can be a trigger - I feel validated | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcd3z8/smell_can_be_a_trigger_i_feel_validated/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T17:02:10.000Z | dcd29l | 0 | 0 | ptsd | Self sabotaging behavior | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcd29l/self_sabotaging_behavior/ |
butstillirise |
So, there are a handful of scenarios that I have from when I was a kid that happened between me and my mom. I'm having a really hard time trying to decide if this is actual CSA or not, and maybe I'm just reading to much in to it.
1.) I'm not sure how old I was but my mom used to kiss me all over my face and neck, it'd leave a tingly feeling in my stomach, essentially butterflies, she did this multiple times. I don't ever remember telling her to stop though.
2.) I remember one time I either had a UTI or something as a kid, and that area was really irritated, and she blew on it to essentially bring the irritation down. I remember feeling really uncomfortable
3.) She would constantly walk around the house naked, and come in to my room when I was changing, we had no privacy.
4.) She always demanded that I kiss her on the lips whenever we hugged each other, her reasoning was "because I'm your mother" it still is this way
5.) She slept in bed with me for years because I couldn't fall asleep, I also would go in to her bed when I had nightmares and I distinctly remember her only having a nightgown on and her bottom being exposed.
6.) When I hit preteen age and started to get my period I remember her showing me how to put in a tampon on herself, and I wouldn't put it past her that she actually put my tampon in for me.
Any advice would be great, because I have massive memory gaps in my childhood except for these memories, so i'm not exactly sure if this is what I was blocking out all those years or not because once I started focusing on the idea that I could've been SA then these memories came back. I also have all the classic signs, bed wetting, lack of intimacy with partners, uncomfortable with contact, lack of willingness to be feminine, hatred of my body, etc.
Thanks for always making this a safe place to talk | 2019-10-02T16:14:41.000Z | dcceyk | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Trouble figuring out if this is TW: CSA? | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcceyk/trouble_figuring_out_if_this_is_tw_csa/ |
Onionmom | I had a rough night. Flashbacks turned to panic attacks. I've been in therapy, and I've lost the ability to dissociate (coping mech of choice next to drinking which I'm also not doing). I don't really see that as a blessing today. Long story short, I spent about 4 hours going in and out of misery last night when I should have been sleeping. I'm sore, exhausted, nauseous, and overall down. I'm attempting to have a productive work day, but I feel so shitty. Does anyone have any tips to speed recovery along? | 2019-10-02T14:22:41.000Z | dcavs8 | 4 | 4 | ptsd | Recovery tips for a long night? | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcavs8/recovery_tips_for_a_long_night/ |
theanxiousknitter | I work in a school and I wont go into too many details but I was touched by a student yesterday that was very similar to previous traumas.
Needless to say, I spoke to my boss and hes taking care of that end of things. This is not the first time this student was inappropriate with and so i don't even know exactly what is going to happen.
I am NOT handling it very well and I am terrified that I'm going to slowly lose grip on reality. The last time this happened I feel into such a dark depression that it's a miracle I made it out alive.
However, because this individual is in the same building as me I will eventually have to come into contact again. This has caused me to literally be on edge all day today. I'm currently afraid to go to the bathroom because of running into him. I'm so scared of retaliation because that DID happen before.
I'm trying to focus on my wins: I chose not to drink last night, and I felt heard and respected by people. Those both are big things for me, but I'm scared that my toolkit is not equipped to handle this.
I do have a therapist, and I plan to call for an emergency appointment. | 2019-10-02T13:56:30.000Z | dcajjf | 6 | 13 | ptsd | Retraumatization and fear of spiraling out of control. | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcajjf/retraumatization_and_fear_of_spiraling_out_of/ |
Acts1v8 | I just started therapy and I thought I just had general anxiety and ADHD. I never connected the repeated truama I experienced as a child and teen to be connected to my anxiety in anyway until my therapist said it out loud.
I didn't realize how much of that had affected me until that connection was made and now it all makes sense. I thought what I was going through was normal like everyone felt and experienced these things and now I'm not sure how to move forward.
I told a few people, my fiance and a few friends. I don't want to tell my parents because I am pretty sure they won't understand and will try to play it off/not take it seriously. My fiance has already tried to say I was using it as a crutch to get out of talking about/dealing with things.
I'm just overwhelmed and need some support from someone who understands.
I'm going to be continuing therapy to working on coping skills so I can hopefully move toward healing.
TL;DR Recently diagnosed. Looking for support from others. | 2019-10-02T13:33:19.000Z | dca9iz | 6 | 9 | ptsd | Recently diagnosed with PTSD. Not sure what to do now. | 0.85 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dca9iz/recently_diagnosed_with_ptsd_not_sure_what_to_do/ |
tobecontinued89 | I have this trigger, sometimes, if I am left with less than certain amount of money(15$ let's say) my mind snaps in freeze mode. I know, everyone gets financial trouble sometimes and yes, that is worrisome having this little. But I am in the process of looking for work for 6 months, so I've depleted all savings and freelance work is just enough to survive- sometimes less. So there are weeks when I'm on 0, with bills to backpay etc. For the most part I've handled it pretty well, better than in the past. But every so often when I reach the end of my money and budget, I panic into freeze mode. My brain gets filled with bad negative thoughts, so many that I get headache, I stop being able to prioritize and start catastrophizing and I can't breathe or think clearly. I get this feeling like I have no clue how I've ever made money, or how I ever will, and even if I recognize the feeling it's hard to snap out of. Sometimes it's so overwhelming that I have to take couple of hours just for calming down. Time feels irrelevant, it's like I'm locked in that state and until I snap out of it, I can't do much. Thankfully it doesn't happen as much lately... but I can feel it starting to happen now. It's not too strong yet, but I am trying to avoid it getting there.
I am having hard week, getting close to that 0 amount. And I have made plan on better days, where to apply, what to do- but on days like now I also lose a lot of time trying to get out of that state. It's important to spend as much time as I can applying, so if anyone has ideas on how to keep positive and away from triggering thoughts, even if having practical trouble? (being broke) | 2019-10-02T13:00:07.000Z | dc9v5k | 1 | 9 | ptsd | How to fight freeze response to life problems? | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc9v5k/how_to_fight_freeze_response_to_life_problems/ |
throwaway0706199 | I withdrew from my college courses to do a women’s trauma intensive outpatient program. I’m excited to get better, but I’m also extremely nervous. Today I go in for my evaluation and to meet my “care team”. | 2019-10-02T12:46:54.000Z | dc9pmz | 2 | 1 | ptsd | In a few hours I go meet my IOP care team. | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc9pmz/in_a_few_hours_i_go_meet_my_iop_care_team/ |
SillyYellowSnake | Ever since I developed PTSD years ago, it's like i'm less and less capable of feeling anything remotely positive. I don't get excited about anything, I can't remember the last time I've felt happy, it's just all despair and anger. When people say that they love me, it stirs nothing in my soul even if i'm close to that person. My flashbacks and anxiety aren't nearly as bad as they use to be, not so frequent, but emotionally, I seem to be getting worse. Nothing ever feels worth doing because there is no reward for it, no positive hormone dump like healthy people would get even if I do accomplish something. It is killing me and has killed my motivation immensely. This problem has made me a very unlikeable person because i'm not fun to be around anymore, especially since I don't drink heavy anymore which is basically expected if you want to have any social relationships in western society. Am I going to be incapable of feeling good permanently because of this stupid illness? | 2019-10-02T12:16:41.000Z | dc9dj3 | 29 | 48 | ptsd | lack of positive emotion | 0.96 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc9dj3/lack_of_positive_emotion/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T12:11:21.000Z | dc9bh3 | 3 | 5 | ptsd | DAE feel like you might exhibit some toxic traits or that people can see something in you? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc9bh3/dae_feel_like_you_might_exhibit_some_toxic_traits/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T08:45:40.000Z | dc7hll | 0 | 2 | ptsd | does anyone else feel like their past is always there to come back and haunt you no matter what you do I’m tired of it | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc7hll/does_anyone_else_feel_like_their_past_is_always/ |
nymphaetamine | I've had this curse for 3 years now. I'm on meds. I've gone through therapy and was pronounced "cured" when I could talk about my abuser without breaking down. Yet I've never felt worse. I normally just lurk here but I'm in the midst of a flashback that isn't showing any signs of going away, it's been over a week now and my well of strength and hope has run dry. It's not just this flashback either, it's like for every 1 day that I feel okay and tiny bits of happiness, there are 6 other days where I just want to die so I don't have to feel like this anymore. I feel like I'm never going to get better and being sad, hopeless, paranoid, hypervigilant, and incapable of trusting anyone is just *my life* now. It's the hand I was dealt by a man who tears apart the lives of innocent people and who will never get any punishment or justice. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I cry every day. I have nightmares. I can't remember shit anymore and my work suffers because of it. I can't have a normal relationship. I get triggered by common unavoidable things, and I hesitate to even post this lest I trigger any of you. If I do, I'm truly sorry. Nobody gets what a living hell PTSD is outside of people who actually have it, so I can't even talk about it to the people in my life without making them feel awkward and uncomfortable. Nobody knows what to say and I can't blame them. I want to think that someday I'll know happiness and safety again but I don't think I will. I've never thought about ending things before but it's on my mind a lot now. I can't do that though cause I have a son. I can't leave him to grow up and find out that his mom died cause she couldn't deal with life anymore. He's the one thing keeping me alive.
Absolutely any words of encouragement or understanding are appreciated, I feel like I'm losing it and I've never felt so thoroughly alone and hopeless before. | 2019-10-02T08:03:36.000Z | dc76jx | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Someone please tell me this gets better | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc76jx/someone_please_tell_me_this_gets_better/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T06:22:58.000Z | dc6dgs | 0 | 1 | ptsd | overcoming trauma | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc6dgs/overcoming_trauma/ |
madsfaye | I’m not sure what it was about today that had me feeling completely heavy the moment I woke up. I was thankful I had a therapy appointment so that I was able to discuss this with my therapist. At the end of the session it all boiled down to me spreading myself so thin (to distract myself from my trauma) that I was completely exhausted and not taking care of myself. Carrying the weight of trauma everyday wears on us & when you try to “keep busy”, take care of others, and avoid your feelings it leaves no room to address our needs. I am going to practice saying no when people ask for my time & I don’t have the emotional/mental capacity. Also, I am going to take time to address the negative feelings when they arise, not distract myself with something or someone else. I wanted to share in hopes that this advice might be helpful to someone else. You should make time to take care of yourself. | 2019-10-02T04:00:27.000Z | dc52jj | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Today was tough. | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc52jj/today_was_tough/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-02T03:40:04.000Z | dc4uyi | 2 | 9 | ptsd | I'm not your empathy. | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc4uyi/im_not_your_empathy/ |
Juniuspublicus12 | \[M61\] How do I start working around the PTSD of a date who is responsive to intimacy and touch when she's non verbal around her desires? She's said as much. She answers intimacy with an escalation of intimacy and states she wants more dates. I've never done this from the other side of the fence as the person initiating. She's quite articulate around anything else. | 2019-10-02T02:42:29.000Z | dc4843 | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Discussing Intimacy With A Not Very Verbal Person With PTSD | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc4843/discussing_intimacy_with_a_not_very_verbal_person/ |
[deleted] | I wanted to share as nothing has helped the way these two do.
Prazosin, as we all know, keeps the nightmares at bay. However, I start to have nightmares around 4 until I wake up. I take a CBD edible before bed to keep me asleep. It works wonders!!!! | 2019-10-02T02:05:07.000Z | dc3s6n | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Nightmares, Prazosin, and CBD | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc3s6n/nightmares_prazosin_and_cbd/ |
OL_TEAM | For about the last week, I've been having episodes from my waking thoughts until I went to bed. I was getting fed up with the flashbacks. They happen yearly for months, then quit. October rolls around. "Hey, remember me?"
I just went to the doctor and he helped me with my meds etc. I got my yearly 20 xanax which I absolutely hate. But I know it helps a lot.
But I end up getting mad, because I know how horrible xanax is, but I can tell it's working. I'm still having flashbacks, but they don't make me go fight or flight. I just shake it off. Unfortunately knowing damn well it's the xanax helping.
Then just a few minutes ago I got a phone call from a person that was part of my experience.
"Here we go again." I instantly hang up, go into my room tripping on if dude just shows up (I was the type of guy where you could show up at my house any time of the day and I'd be down to go within minutes). If he shows up he will expect me to just bounce to the location of where my event started.
I more so wonder than fear the repercussions of what the outcome would be if others in that group find out what happened and why I don't associate with the two main people of the group.
My friend is pretty much the couple's nephew.
I know the truth hurts, but telling a good friend that his uncle is a narcissist sociopathic alcoholic, that I never want to be around again. Would open a giant can of worms and just watch the dominos fall until I'm the bad guy. | 2019-10-02T00:41:50.000Z | dc2rhi | 0 | 0 | ptsd | I was feeling great today. Until a phone call. | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc2rhi/i_was_feeling_great_today_until_a_phone_call/ |
neverneverlocal | Hi everyone,
I just need to vent. My fiance has stage 4 cancer and my ptsd really showed full force a couple months ago. The stress became too much. Ive had a lot of other trauma in my life in addition to this but it was diagnosed as just depression before.
I was living with her parents until two weeks ago. The parents visited their grandbaby and he was really sick and contagious. They didnt think this was a big deal but every cold turns into a week in the hospital for my fiance. I ended up having a panic attack and yelled. Then i apologized but they didnt understand and told the whole family i take medication and am crazy.
I live with my parents now because it was to emotionally risky to live there still. Today was the first full day i didnt spend with her, and she developed a new pain. This is terrifying for me.
I asked her to call the dr and he said to go to the ER. She said not to come because she said shes worried about inconveniencing me. Then she said come if you want. Im gonna head down to the ER now. This is so so hard. | 2019-10-02T00:16:52.000Z | dc2geg | 0 | 4 | ptsd | First post, new diagnosis | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc2geg/first_post_new_diagnosis/ |
oatmeal121313 | I don’t know if this is something that anyone here can relate to, but I’m terrified that I am one day going to snap and do something terrible, not because I want to hurt anyone or anything.
A little bit of background, I spent 6 years in the army and 7 years as a medic fire fighter in a very low income urban area. I am fairly early in my treatment, I am still learning my triggers. Today at the grocery store I became triggered by multiple people bumping into me, shoulder checking etc, the way people do in overcrowded situations. As I was selecting produce a man pushed his shopping cart against my leg and began to apply pressure in an attempt to get me to move, I pushed his cart onto its side and screamed that if he came any closer to me I would kill him. I’m ashamed. I feel like I live in a world where I’m terrified of everything, but ultimately I’m terrified of myself and what might happen when I disassociate. I just want to be normal. | 2019-10-01T23:54:51.000Z | dc26co | 7 | 19 | ptsd | Worried that I am a monster | 0.85 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc26co/worried_that_i_am_a_monster/ |
themarshmallowdiva | Oh. My. Gosh. Forgot all about the PTSD nightmares. I'd fought them for years, and hadn't had them nearly as often lately -- or when I did, I wasn't remembering them anymore, thank goodness. I recently got a secondary PTSD diagnosis related to medical surgeries/bone setting, and it has really kicked up my PTSD symptoms. Flinching from loud noises, contact, nightmares, anxiety, constant fear.
With the new secondary medical PTSD diagnosis -- the nightmares have come back, are violent, and are atrocious. Was up and down all night, and finally slept around 6AM. And then I finally slept, and WOW. The nightmares.
Was with a group of really shady people, and we were on some kind of late night mission. It all felt natural though, because I used to socialize with some pretty shady people... -sighs- Don't ask. Just trying to get this out of my head so that I can shake reliving them in my head. Basically trekked with them to this unknown house, late at night, and everything went super south, super fast.
The people I was with -- they murdered a woman that used to be my friend. I mean, I got held back, tied up, and told I needed to watch this. It was like being apart of the Manson/Tate murders, without being included. And I like... watched her, her husband, and her three children, get murdered by these shady people. I didn't... *do* anything. I *couldn't*... do anything. I felt the helplessness. The inability to do anything. I hate my brain.
I think it was guilt. We had a falling out a few years back over drug use. She got sick, and needed a heart transplant, and died less than a year after the transplant. She passed away a couple years ago, after a heart transplant failed to take. She only had two kids. It felt so real. Like I hadn't seen her in so long, and in that time, she'd had another kid...
Three kids. Her and her husband. Still hearing the damned screams. I don't remember it all -- but I definitely remember the screams. The blood. Stabbing. I started to realize it was a dream, and I was screaming. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP, IT'S NOT REAL. SHE DIED. I KNOW SHE DIED, WAKE UP." I swore I was screaming in my sleep like I used to. I woke up abruptly, rolled out of bed, and just stared at the wall, breathing hard. It was bad. I forgot all about just how bad the night terrors are. They've been bad the past few weeks -- but this one... just... I can't shake it, and I'm still tearing up. Brutal. | 2019-10-01T23:32:45.000Z | dc1w2g | 10 | 16 | ptsd | Wow. The Nightmares. | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc1w2g/wow_the_nightmares/ |
BugetHead | I have suspected PTSD for a long time, but hadn’t gotten a diagnosis from my current counselor. Well, today I go to my doctor about pain and we get to chatting about what I’ve been doing for my health the past couple years, and counseling. I mention I think I deal with PTSD and she says “You already have a diagnosis... I thought I saw it in your chart.” I am in shock and ask her to check again, and it’s right there in my chart. PTSD due to sexual abuse and childhood abuse. Diagnosis was made in 2015 by a counselor I was seeing at the time, but she didn’t tell me about it because she was referring me to a psychiatrist for testing. But because of the paperwork and it being in my chart, it’s a diagnosis!
I cried with relief. I have been afraid that the symptoms I deal with and my behavior has been due to a personality flaw of some kind or I’m just broken. This is so validating. I can’t wait to tell my counselor! It’s just nice to know it’s not all in my head, and what I went through is real. | 2019-10-01T23:27:39.000Z | dc1tpn | 6 | 13 | ptsd | Found out I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015, but I had no idea. I feel VALIDATED. | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc1tpn/found_out_i_was_diagnosed_with_ptsd_in_2015_but_i/ |
kitsoncatson | This sounds stupid I know, but I’ll try to explain. I had to deal with a lot of gaslighting growing up. It made me question myself my whole life and made me feel like I didn’t exist. Trying to get help is a nightmare when your abuser is able to hide and deny that anything ever happened. I was denied healthcare and food throughout my childhood.
I can’t believe I’m watching the country being run by abusive people that commit crimes and lie about it. And the other party seems almost complacent by not arresting or fining those who are in contempt.
I feel like I’m living with my childhood abuser, and my guardian is turning a blind eye.
Does anyone else feel this way?? Somebody please tell me I’m not the only one. I feel like I’m losing my mind, obsessively reading the news every day on the chance that I might see some justice. It makes me ill and I can’t stop obsessing over it. I feel so stupid, but that’s what this illness is doing to me. How do I stop? It’s almost all I think about anymore. I can’t handle that my abuser got away with everything and I’m watching it happen all over again. It’s a nightmare.
Edit: Thank you all for your kind words and support! Talking about this made me feel so much better because of y’all. I’m going to try and block news sources and as one of you suggested watching Steven Colbert more lol. I also love John Oliver!
I can’t thank you enough for making me feel less crazy. I feel like when I bring it up in real life, nobody really cares and they’re just like “yeah it sucks, oh well”. But to many of us it’s seriously traumatizing and I’m forever grateful for your support. | 2019-10-01T23:22:40.000Z | dc1r8s | 135 | 142 | ptsd | Being triggered by our President. | 0.89 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dc1r8s/being_triggered_by_our_president/ |
dddulcie | I felt better when I could cry and feel and heal. I can't think of anything that triggered everything to lock back up. I'm in the midst of moving, that's the only thing I can think of, but it's not causing me a lot of \*conscious\* stress. | 2019-10-01T20:57:23.000Z | dbzpbc | 8 | 32 | ptsd | Slipping back into ‘repression.’ Unable to feel, unable to cry, starting to dissociate. How do I get back into healing mode? DAE kinda "lock back up?" | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbzpbc/slipping_back_into_repression_unable_to_feel/ |
[deleted] | In my last speech class, that professor laughed when I showed the "DSPS document". He responded, "what kind of help do you need?" And he never read my cap again. This is the fact that people always push away the thing that they do not like; like saying, no problem and everything is perfect. In the end, that problem creates another problem.
In the last two speeches, I failed. I failed because I was facing the board in the speech. For the second one, I was so panic from my disability. Sometimes professors grade people by their disability just like a handicapped person got a grade from his or her running class. The result is that the professor did not feel comfortable with me because he or people always still push away the thing that they do not like, or even judge about them as bad. That is why we have the majority and problem from it. | 2019-10-01T20:21:45.000Z | dbz73j | 5 | 44 | ptsd | Why do people always laught on us and feeling uncomtable? | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbz73j/why_do_people_always_laught_on_us_and_feeling/ |
Sweaters4Dorks | So I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was sixteen (21F) and have been working through it for around two years now. I’m in art school and wanted to do an illustrative drawing series about intrusive and invasive thoughts. Basically they’re drawings of a figure I commonly use in everyday situations, but they have a caption of an intrusive thought or “audible flashback” I’ve had. The series aims to educate people on the nature of these echoing thoughts and how they can interrupt even the most mundane activities and become a crippling part of day-to-day life. I’m making a list of some of the intrusive thoughts I want to include and would like your guys’ help and input. What are some recurring intrusive thoughts or comments you struggle to shake? | 2019-10-01T20:07:19.000Z | dbyzd5 | 9 | 7 | ptsd | Doing an educational project about intrusive thoughts and would like your guys’ input. | 0.89 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbyzd5/doing_an_educational_project_about_intrusive/ |
alwaysaskin4 | Basically, I’m going to a funeral for my old school friend in a couple weeks. A girl who basically caused me havoc at school (she humiliated me on the school bus, left me socially anxious to catch the bus for about a year and a bit because she and her friend would always make fun of me and call my name and embarrass me) is going to be there.
For some reason, out of the blue, she messaged me on social media to tell me about the itinerary (I’m not sure how she found out this info as she was basically as class bully and wasn’t remotely close to the girl). She unfollowed me (as I unfollowed her) a couple months back and my account is on private so HOW so could message me again is beyond me and actually scares me.
Ive checked my followers list and she doesn’t appear.
The first time she messaged me to tell me about her death (which I already knew about) caused me to have a awful dream and make me cry and trigger an emotional breakdown.
I can’t see her in person at this funeral. I’m going with my mom and other classmates will be there so I know I won’t be alone, but I literally just can’t see her. Ever since she did that to me when I was 13, I’ve had traumatic nightmares (of demons traumatising me and haunting my home) and can’t even fathom how she was even messaging me on social media, asking me questions but not replying to mine as if she just wanted to check up on me (when we did follow each other as I basically forced myself to get over it and move on) I’ve tried to be civil and everything but it’s tearing me up inside.
I don’t want to start anything as it’s a funeral and I want to be respectful but how do I go about not triggering another breakdown? Every time i see her I have another nightmare and it’s affecting my self esteem.
Any advice on how to cope is appreciated xx | 2019-10-01T19:44:58.000Z | dbynil | 1 | 1 | ptsd | I don’t want her to win | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbynil/i_dont_want_her_to_win/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-01T18:48:45.000Z | dbxtpj | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Night terrors | 0.6 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbxtpj/night_terrors/ |
quibditchh | this is my first post in this sub so sorry if i am violating any rules or if this isn’t okay. i’ve not been officially diagnosed with PTSD but i do have bipolar disorder and my therapist has said i exhibit all the symptoms of it due to a traumatic abusive relationship from 5 years ago. well i recently got involved with someone new and things were getting serious (i thought??) considering the way he was talking to me and treating me. well he basically decided he wasn’t fit to be seeing someone right now because of what’s going on in his life or at least that’s what he said. before everything kind of fell apart i had opened up to him about some very personal things that i typically do not tell people but i thought that was okay because he did the same and told me about his personal life. now i am regretting letting myself start to get close to someone again because every time i do i start having flashbacks and nightmares about what happened in the past. this opened up a whole load of issues that i had been avoiding dealing with and it made me remember why i never ever make myself vulnerable to people. i can’t get in with my therapist again for a few weeks so i’m kind of left just marinating in my misery for a while. | 2019-10-01T18:27:09.000Z | dbxecr | 0 | 1 | ptsd | don’t know where else to post this | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbxecr/dont_know_where_else_to_post_this/ |
kattaganist | I just moved away for college and suffer from ptsd from living with my abusive father for 16 years. This is my first time living away from my mom and something about her presence in the house always made me feel safe but now i feel exposed and unsafe and i cant sleep. Not consistently anyway. And i dont know what to do i tried googling techniques and asking my therapist, but it was all like yoga and meditating which ive tried and enjoy but it still take a looong time for it to work like 2 hours long.
Ig this makes it easier to pull all nighter, but i really want to sleep. | 2019-10-01T15:47:59.000Z | dbvaba | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Any advice on how to sleep? | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbvaba/any_advice_on_how_to_sleep/ |
Akramu1991 | Guys this is really messed up
Something happened with me like 9 years ago and since then I've never been the same
It's like my intestines have been turned inside out and my body has an counterpunch way to keep me that way
And by intestines I mean my human conciousness
I just can't make myself to feel normal, happy singing moving laughing dancing like I used to
And I get it you'll say it's depression but I've seen people depressed they don't lose their ability to interact like a human but I have | 2019-10-01T14:51:47.000Z | dbuhq6 | 6 | 12 | ptsd | I just want to be normal again | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbuhq6/i_just_want_to_be_normal_again/ |
CrystalineOmission45 | I was raised with really strong beliefs and was part of a really controlled islnsulated community. My beliefs meant everything to me because of other abuse I was going through. Now leaving, God doesn't feel like the center of my life and I don't know how to make it better. I know I can't throw myself into any other religion because there are many of the same problems in all of them for me. It's really hard to sleep or just not feel like I'm in a vacuum. My life is pretty great but I feel constantly terrified because crazy huge things keep happening. It's not unrealistic to expect the unexpected at this point. | 2019-10-01T13:49:12.000Z | dbtnos | 13 | 23 | ptsd | I left a cult I guess | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbtnos/i_left_a_cult_i_guess/ |
unauthorised_at_work | I nearly jumped out of my skin because a coworker simply said good morning to me. I wish I could just be normal instead of being that guy people are told to avoid talking to. | 2019-10-01T12:36:14.000Z | dbsqvn | 4 | 30 | ptsd | Hypervigilance is so exhausting | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbsqvn/hypervigilance_is_so_exhausting/ |
8-Bit_Aubrey | When I was 21 in 2006 a girl I knew from High school and church was killed in a murder-suicide. We were not close as in friends but we were acquaintances. When I found out she was murdered I screamed and cried which I'm pretty sure is normal.
But when I went to her funeral I instantly could not breathe when I walked into the viewing room and almost fell over. I literally (and I'm using that correctly here I promise) think of her every day. I obsessively wonder, "did she suffer?"
I don't know if this is PTSD but I just had to ask if anyone else has felt something like this. | 2019-10-01T10:08:23.000Z | dbr74p | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I've never been diagnosed but I don't know who to talk to. TW: Murder, Suicide. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbr74p/ive_never_been_diagnosed_but_i_dont_know_who_to/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-01T07:40:03.000Z | dbpwhq | 1 | 2 | ptsd | How do I ask a doctor for help on ptsd? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbpwhq/how_do_i_ask_a_doctor_for_help_on_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | When I was young I was abused a lot but a lot of people that came into and out of my life. There was always one person that would never hurt me EVER!
My mom and she never did anything to me on purpose one morning I heard a thud come from my moms room and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I opened the door and saw her naked on the floor unconscious I was really scared she wasn’t moving even after I yelled her name I thought she was dead.
We came too a little bit later and asked if I saw anything. Of course I said no only that I called her name and she didn’t answer I feel bad for lying but I don’t want her thinking she scarred me like that. But I can’t talk to her about this.
Anyways every once and a while I can’t sleep for weeks cause when I close my eyes all I see her here naked unconscious body lying lifeless in the floor HOW THE FUCK DO I GET THIS IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD someone please recommend something g I’m real low on sleep and it’s affecting my everyday life.
I can’t see a therapist on such short notice and I couldn’t afford one if I wanted to so that why I’m here. | 2019-10-01T07:17:42.000Z | dbpp95 | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Any home remedies to help sleep better | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbpp95/any_home_remedies_to_help_sleep_better/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-01T05:49:15.000Z | dbovfk | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Does anyone else ever go to sleep hoping they won’t wake up? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbovfk/does_anyone_else_ever_go_to_sleep_hoping_they/ |
hotkokoxo | So I was recently told that I have complex-ptsd, which makes senses. And given the things that have happened to me, I know I am not weak, but strong for have developing a survivalist mentality. But I can’t turn it off. And I lose large chunks of time. So for example, most of high school is blank. Almost like a giant blackout. But even though this blackout drips into my elementary school days, I still remember how these things made me FEEL, and most of the time I feel nothing because of it.
So sounds very COMPLEX.
I’ve been in and out of homes - maybe around six or seven in my short life of 20 years. When I was a four month old baby my mother threw a tantrum and stabbed up the couch I was laying on, almost killing me. Then I never knew stability, and the promise of family and “forever homes” were an automatic shutdown for me. I started to experience trauma, anxiety, and depression symptoms at a young age - like around three - and those would include terrifying nightmares, shutting myself in my bedroom alone, and terrific bursts of rage, during which I would smash my small body against things.
I haven’t really known peace inwardly, but outwardly was even worse. To survive most of the things I had gone through from birth, I developed a cold, cruel personality in which I would test to see if people would give up on me. I was obsessed with moving and knew the signs of a parent giving up by the time I was five. I was a smart kid. Still am. But because of my anger and hostility I was quickly nearly expelled in grade one and put in a behavioural class. I also was frequently restrained improperly - being only around 75 - 80 pounds, two large adults would sit atop my body while I thrashed and screamed. I was also isolated - literally, a technique to manage my behaviour in the group home was to keep me hidden and prevent me from socializing. Even on my birthday!
Time was lost - all I knew was books and escaping into my writing of novels. But as punishment sometimes my writing bag full of books would be taken away!
I had no escape then, and I would often daydream about my novels at school and couldn’t wait till I got home to get started on them. I’ve been writing books since I was six years old, actually.
Things are VERY blurry. Tons of screaming, yelling, stuff being packed into boxes, being hit, being bullied, being molested, being shamed for being molested, being belittled and humiliated by adults in my life, being abandoned nonstop, and being powerless and angry and depressed and terrified and ALONE.
So, as you can imagine, complex ptsd is not really all that big a surprise to me. I haven’t been able to sleep properly my entire life, was on meds at age five onwards, and only stopped having terrifying nightmares when I was fourteen.
But a day in the life of complex ptsd is actually ironically complex. I am usually quite bubbly and I get energetic and loud when I’m excited. I love socializing. I smile and laugh and joke and bring light to others. I even have a soul that is a magnet for babies, kids, and animals, and often find myself flustered when they are drawn to me because I don’t understand why.
But deep down I am still that neglected, terrified child who was treated like a monster by actual monsters. And I revert to that after a long day of being the class clown archetype - which is something I invented to protect myself from a young age, so people wouldn’t see how messed up my home life was. When I want to go home and shut myself in my room, I will, and the need becomes fierce. People deeply drain me and I am constantly scanning their expressions and body language and always on high alert and I see and hear everything and oh my God even listening to music at high volume doesn’t help and for longer than I can remember for reasons I can’t remember, I’ve been afraid of people sneaking up behind me. A fear that I’ve had since I was small but I don’t know why and that frustrates me. Losing track of time can be frustrating, and so can these mile-long blackouts where I can’t remember WHY I am like this. You might say it’s better to not remember but it’s frustrating. Also, if I can’t even remember how many days ago I went to the mall, or even feel like anything more than a shallow zombie floating to and from bus stops, it’s getting bad.
And I know I have an incredible team of friends who have become family and a PHENOMENAL trauma counsellor who will not give up on me. But I need to learn to deal with myself and be kind to myself. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse on top of all that, I am worried I’m gonna get me in the end. And there’s nothing I fear more than myself. With my ability to influence a crowd of people or turn a room into chaos with my knowledge of basic psychology - not textbook shit lol just experience stuff - I’m most afraid of myself.
And I’ve been shutdown for so long that I wonder if I’m alive sometimes! And obviously I don’t have it as bad as some people but who cares? I don’t even remember like 85% of my freaking life! I am very intelligent but I could be a GENIUS if I wasn’t so foggy. And little things get me so depressed that my Zoloft doesn’t even save me. But one thing is true - what happened to me was sad. I remember a time when I was under five years old, looking at my shoes and thinking they were big, because I thought I was bigger than I was. And I never got to feel safe, and now I never feel safe.
And what was done to me, though I hardly remember, was monstrous. And I worry every day when I get cold and cruel when people cross me too far that I’m just like those monsters, even though people tell me I’m a good person, guess what PTSD tells me? And nobody understands that logic and reasoning doesn’t matter when your mind is trying to kill you. I fight with my mind all day, trying to push back against the dark thoughts saying all this horrible stuff about me. So I hate when people tell me I’m not trying hard enough in life. I’m fighting like hell night and day. | 2019-10-01T04:13:46.000Z | dbnwmx | 0 | 1 | ptsd | complex PTSD is a real freaking blast and a half! ☺️ | 0.57 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbnwmx/complex_ptsd_is_a_real_freaking_blast_and_a_half/ |
infinifyonfuckyou | i have recently started therapy again. some background, have been in therapy since age 13 after experiencing suicidal thoughts and having been self harming for a couple years at that point. i didn’t start talking about any trauma really until I was older (16-18), but I didn’t feel safe enough to disclose/bring up everything. i did not talk about my father physically abusing me at all, nor about the time I was sexually abused at age 4 while he was supposed to be watching me (it boiled down to neglect, he was not involved directly). i also did not really talk in therapy about the abuse I was experiencing even then under my N-Grandma’s care (she had custody of me from ages 15-18, kinda stole us from mom, long story really; she’s also my dad’s mother, hence part of why I wasn’t talking about my Dad’s fuckups in therapy, as she puts him on a pedestal as if he can do no wrong). this is kind of another issue, but I also never talked about the time i was sexually assaulted by an ex while unconscious at 15, because I had kind of a delayed processing/acceptance on that one, and once I did accept it, never felt comfortable enough to discuss it in therapy.
now that I am out of their lives, i am starting to process what happened. what really happened. like, the reality is hitting me. i am seeing all the little ways these experiences make me dysfunctional on a day to day basis, and all the big ones tools. and i don’t know how to start talking about this. any of it. the childhood sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, the sexual assault, the narcissism. i don’t know how to begin to explain how these things effect me or make me feel because I don’t understand it. I just have little moments where I realise “i probably did that or do that because of x” and then get mad because x made me do that.
im just extremely overwhelmed. i didn’t even tell him I had a history of sexual trauma in the intake, just physical abuse, so he doesn’t even know that. he’s prodded me some about the abuse but it’s so hard to find words to explain and I also kind of shut down. like my brain just stops moving and I get stupid. it’s extremely frustrating.
im just kind of venting right now, but advice is welcome | 2019-10-01T02:51:15.000Z | dbmx1d | 1 | 3 | ptsd | i don’t know how to actually talk about my (20M) abuse | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbmx1d/i_dont_know_how_to_actually_talk_about_my_20m/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-01T02:08:11.000Z | dbmdl6 | 30 | 137 | ptsd | anyone else get large lapses of memory when you experience something upsetting? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbmdl6/anyone_else_get_large_lapses_of_memory_when_you/ |
fckincasual | Thanks to ye good ole CPTSD I've spent a lot of my life cultivating a certain distance between me and everyone around me (aside from hugs hello or goodbye) out of a belief that if I didn't set absolute boundaries, nobody would respect them. I'm known for it, "\_\_\_\_\_ hates being touched", "\_\_\_\_\_\_ isn't super affectionate, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like you".
I've done a lot of work on myself, and am doing somewhat better. But I'm.... lonely. And touch starved. I've effectively built a moat around myself.
I want physical affection so badly but I'm scared of it. I don't know how to soften the boundaries I set in the past, and I don't know how to safely explore touch. I wish there was like 'Being Touched School' and I could go once a week to try leaning on someone, or letting them play with my hair. Just, something safe with structure and rules and no expectations of it leading to something more intense.
There are people close to me who I trust, but it's so embarrassing and I'm ashamed for wanting this (thanks, trauma).
I'm afraid that they'll judge me for changing my mind, or reject me for being needy and disgusting.
I want the possibility of intimacy in my life, but with my current abilities I feel like I'll be isolated forever, a broken, cold person incapable of loving or being loved.
SO ANYWAYS, do yall have any tips here? Thoughts on how to approach this, or how to structure desensitization to being touched affectionately? Is it possible to build a tolerance for intimacy from the ground up?
Commiserization is also appreciated, I feel *v e r y* alone in this struggle. | 2019-10-01T01:20:37.000Z | dblrpn | 4 | 6 | ptsd | How to learn physical affection | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dblrpn/how_to_learn_physical_affection/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-01T01:03:39.000Z | dbljq8 | 1 | 15 | ptsd | first date after trauma | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbljq8/first_date_after_trauma/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T23:41:04.000Z | dbkggq | 3 | 13 | ptsd | Triggered by my gyno appointment | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbkggq/triggered_by_my_gyno_appointment/ |
butterflyfrenchfry | April 30th, exactly 5 months ago today, I was barricaded in my classroom during a school shooting. I was about to get up and present my final presentation in senior seminar for my anthropology degree when someone down the hall yelled “shooter!” We were stuck in that classroom for what felt like an eternity, not knowing what was going on or what was going to happen to us. It was pretty traumatizing and it turned out to be another anthropology class that got hit nearby by a kid who sat 2 rows in front of me in my history class that semester. He had dropped out in February, weird awkward quiet kid, came back on the last day of class to take out his anger on one of his teachers. Funny thing is, that day on the professor’s way to class, his car broke down and he couldn’t make it. The shooter killed 2 students and severely injured 4. I knew some of the people in that class and it was just really hard on me.
I was a mess after that. I had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself. I was just really not okay.
Lately I’ve been a lot better, but loud noises give me panic attacks sometimes. I had a really bad one a couple days ago in front of the guy I just started seeing and it was embarrassing. He was really supportive though. He doesn’t judge me and it’s such a relief.
I work at this place called the epicenter where I live and it’s basically just a big complex full of bars and stuff. Today while I was at work there was a shooting on the first floor, gang related, but the person who got shot was just an innocent bystander. They got shot in the head. They managed to keep the victim alive all the way to the hospital, but I’m not sure if they’re going to make it or not. Shooter was apprehended.
I’m okay in regards to the fact that I was safe and on the second floor, but my bar overlooks the whole crime scene. I had to sit and watch the CSI work the crime scene for 2 hours before I was finally cut. Walking out was really rough on me, I relived the entire shooting.... police everywhere, ambulances, fire trucks, helicopters, news reporters... my mind is just really heavy right now. I couldn’t focus during those last couple hours at work. Zoning out. Reliving everything. Flashbacks. I’m finally home now... I feel a little better. Im honestly probably just going to get drunk and try to forget everything. I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t know how to handle this.
The farther the shooting gets away from me, the more time that gets between it and the present, the better I am, but certain things and situations just make me feel like I’m right back to square one. Today I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere since then. Everything feels foggy. | 2019-09-30T23:30:48.000Z | dbkb9o | 2 | 16 | ptsd | Not okay today. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbkb9o/not_okay_today/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T23:21:17.000Z | dbk6rg | 5 | 23 | ptsd | Anyone else have a potential dream job ruined by trauma/abusers? | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbk6rg/anyone_else_have_a_potential_dream_job_ruined_by/ |
crazyausachick | Today is the first of three days of the anniversary of my trauma. I worked out, I worked, I worked on some art and I thought I was fine and then out of nowhere the sobbing just started. Just uncontrollable sobbing. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t know how I feel and I don’t know the specifics of why I’m crying so hard. I just know that all of the sudden the anniversary of when I was captured and held for three days and assaulted started today and has just hit me and the sobbing won’t stop. And there’s still tomorrow and Wednesday. | 2019-09-30T22:46:10.000Z | dbjphp | 0 | 5 | ptsd | Anniversary TW for vague reference to sexual trauma | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbjphp/anniversary_tw_for_vague_reference_to_sexual/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T22:37:50.000Z | dbjldc | 6 | 3 | ptsd | Wondering Silently | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbjldc/wondering_silently/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T22:27:33.000Z | dbjgha | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Why does my brain have to be like this? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbjgha/why_does_my_brain_have_to_be_like_this/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T21:59:34.000Z | dbj2i4 | 1 | 4 | ptsd | how to forget | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbj2i4/how_to_forget/ |
assffjskhsjao | I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago because of long-term childhood abuse. I have the textbook symptoms that they show in movies and whatnot. Suppressed memories that come back to me as flashbacks where it’s like it’s happening to me again in real time.
The problem for me right now is it feels fake. It genuinely feels to me like I made the whole thing up, none of it actually happened to me, and I just convinced myself that it did after hearing about PTSD or something. I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac, in that I’ve always thought I was having a heart attack when I was having a panic attack, or thought I was having a stroke cause of numbness due to a dissociative episode. What if I’m making all of this up, and feel the symptoms of PTSD because I think I have it? Is that possible? Is it common to feel like that with PTSD? | 2019-09-30T21:04:45.000Z | dbi9vj | 4 | 5 | ptsd | Feel Like An Imposter? | 0.74 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbi9vj/feel_like_an_imposter/ |
CrystalineOmission45 | I was going to post something encouraging because I had a really good day. Felt like some real progress. Hopefully it was. A whole normal happy connected day. Fighting triggers all weekend, and something seemingly small challenging my illusion of control. I'm here three shots of whiskey in feeling like I'll never have a normal life. I'm truly trying. My latest trauma started in July. Maybe next year it will be a scar and not a wound. | 2019-09-30T20:54:28.000Z | dbi4cj | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Good run | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbi4cj/good_run/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T20:25:13.000Z | dbhok1 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Would these people just STOP giving me pitying looks! | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbhok1/would_these_people_just_stop_giving_me_pitying/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T19:12:31.000Z | dbgl5u | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I'm tired of being tagged in photos in social media posts | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbgl5u/im_tired_of_being_tagged_in_photos_in_social/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T18:56:55.000Z | dbgcct | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Has anyone else struggled with telling people? | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbgcct/has_anyone_else_struggled_with_telling_people/ |
[deleted] | Hello PTSD Community! :)
I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I have very mixed feelings about it. It took me 6 months to open up to my therapist about what happened to me. I recently saw a new med manager and on the intake paperwork I wrote that I have been through trauma and wrote just the name for my trauma. And she continues to say that all of my symptoms are due to my trauma.
Every time that I leave her office I become VERY upset and cry out of nowhere for a few days. I never really saw what happen as trauma or myself as having PTSD. It sort of makes sense, but it just doesn't sit well with me. Have any of you experienced that?
It also has me thinking a lot about what happened, and I am starting to remember things I haven't thought about in a very long time. I also wonder if this is normal?
Also, do you guys find it helpful to talk to your therapist about what happened? I sort of just want to forget about it again, and just deal with my depression without dealing with my trauma.
Thanks for any advice! :) | 2019-09-30T18:56:20.000Z | dbgc21 | 6 | 2 | ptsd | New Memories After Being Triggered? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbgc21/new_memories_after_being_triggered/ |
organize_xiii | Last night at work, I was putting a resident to bed and he was aggressive and screaming as I was trying to care for him. I was strapping him in to his sit-to-stand to move him to his bed and he swung at me. I moved so he didn't actually hit me but I had flashbacks to my ex boyfriend and went into a full blown panic attack. Crying and hyperventilating.. Not being able to breathe. But I still had to stay there and yell for a coworker so the resident wouldn't fall out of his chair (he's a high fall risk and tries to get up a lot) a coworker came in and helped me put the resident down and after that I left work (I stayed an hour longer than I was supposed to)
Today, I'm feeling really depressed and not really feeling like myself. This is the first time this has happened at work, and I really feel weak for losing it like that... | 2019-09-30T18:31:05.000Z | dbfy1l | 0 | 2 | ptsd | I just need to vent and idk where else to do it | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbfy1l/i_just_need_to_vent_and_idk_where_else_to_do_it/ |
risyelis18 | I have PTSD and bipolar after some childhood situations.
I was looking for different ways how to feel calm and happy again. PTSD and other issues made it difficult for me to study in college and work. Once, my friend gave me a puppy that he found near his home. He knew that I wanted to adopt a dog. So, Dexter became my first animal in my life.
I don't know what happened, but I felt parenting and I'm responsible for his life. I see how I became more focused and less depressive. I get a lot of dopamine every day. A few months ago, I found out about the emotional support animal. The difference between [ESA](https://www.takeyourpeteverywhere.com/) and service animal that it is not a trained animal that helps people with their emotional stability. So, it helps me to reduce rent costs because I need an animal for my health and travel with my dog by plane. It was an awesome opportunity because I travel to my parents to another state.
Now, I really can't imagine my life without him. He is my support. I suggest everyone have a pet and get a lot of love.
Do you have a pet? What is your story? | 2019-09-30T17:32:42.000Z | dbf28q | 2 | 3 | ptsd | PTSD and my pet | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbf28q/ptsd_and_my_pet/ |
hufflepups | TW mention of sexual abuse
I honestly feel sick to my stomach. Gradually the bits and pieces are coming back from my past
Memories of being literally like 3/4. Handcuffed to a bed in the dark scared. I always remembered the hand cuffed part but not the whole context.
I've had nightmares of being naked in that room.
Really young. Having an unexplained black eye... That feeling of shame and being idk polluted by it? I was talking to someone about it today and its the first time I really spoke about it and I just feel so sick
Anyone else experience this | 2019-09-30T17:24:54.000Z | dbexzb | 0 | 5 | ptsd | Sick to my stomach | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbexzb/sick_to_my_stomach/ |
Nobody_2027 | I am scared my boyfriend is going to leave me now that he knows what happened to me. He tells me he loves me but how could he love me when I am so broken and used and disgusted. I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready to feel again. Now I'd rather be numb. But somehow the thought of going back to not feeling is more scary to me then going through life afraid. I don't want either. I don't understand why this had to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? And now I just make everyone around me feel inadequate and I made my boyfriend feel bad because I asked him if he would ever hurt me. I just don't know what I'm doing. I want to die but I can't even do that | 2019-09-30T17:00:47.000Z | dbekzj | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Is it possible to be loved like this? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbekzj/is_it_possible_to_be_loved_like_this/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T16:51:21.000Z | dbeg22 | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Experiences with “rehab”/inpatient therapy? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbeg22/experiences_with_rehabinpatient_therapy/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T16:22:18.000Z | dbe0rf | 1 | 7 | ptsd | Coming to terms | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbe0rf/coming_to_terms/ |
[deleted] | I've never posted here.. I'm 37. I grew up in a volatile, addiction riddled household and have always had trouble with things like loud noises, conflict, looking people in the eye, etc. Despite that I was able to build a somewhat successful life. I was married, no substance issues, good career, owned a home, had plenty of "friends". However, in 2012 I lost my mother traumatically. My father followed 8 months later, and his death was even worse. I don't want to get into details but I will say that I was witness to the aftermath and was never really the same after. The smell never leaves you. I was raised to be a tough guy, but month by month little things would start popping up with me. Fear, guilt, anger, shame. I tried to put on a brave face for the sake of my wife, but it was obvious I was degrading. No violence or outbursts, but I became withdrawn and had a hard time getting out of bed. The carefully manicured "normal guy" image I tried to cultivate was wearing off. I went through several diagnoses (major depressive disorder, mood disorder, borderline) before they finally settled on PTSD.
My ex and I did not survive it. The comfort she provided me went out the window after our son was born in 2015 (even though she assured me her support of my condition would remain unflinching after his birth). She would make casually degrading remarks like "I don't understand why you can't just get over it" and "You're a kind man but you're just too troubled for me now". If she saw me begin to tear up, she would quietly get up and leave the room. She didn't sign up for this shit. The worst, however, came when we split. I told her the thought of waking up and not seeing my boy in the morning anymore was making me want to jump on the train tracks. I needed help to make this transition easier. For the first time since his birth, she was comforting. Assured me we could make it easy on the two of us. She didn't hate me and I wasn't sick or broken. I woke up the next morning hopeful that this drastic change in my life would be overcome.
After I left for work she took my son out of daycare and fled the state to go stay with her mother. She said "I don't know what people with your condition are capable of." She finally came back 6 days later with him but still, to this day, insists she regrets nothing. The person I had put all my faith in had accused me of being capable of harming her and my son and deemed me a danger. This sort of treatment would continue with longtime friends. As I sit here, I can't help but notice that everyone I've disclosed my diagnosis to is gone. People I did a lot for, back when I had money and status. They don't have time for me now, or in a few cases just hit me with "toughen up and get over it, bitch" and move on. The last person I confessed my struggles to said "Nobody's gonna hold your fucking hand through this dude. Get your shit together." I feel so fucking alone, and I don't want to fight this shit alone.
I don't want to be an eternal victim. But I've withdrawn completely due to my harsh treatment when I disclosed my diagnosis and symptoms. I have no more distress tolerance left. Anything which requires adversity defeats me instantly. Most of my efforts to live a sustainable life are being shot down. I feel like a loser. And sometimes I look back at photos of when my life was much cleaner, and all the people who loved me so much and wonder where they are now that they're needed.
Stay safe out there. I hope you're all winning your fights. | 2019-09-30T16:04:37.000Z | dbdr4s | 20 | 96 | ptsd | I am losing. And I feel like everyone is just watching it happen. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbdr4s/i_am_losing_and_i_feel_like_everyone_is_just/ |
[deleted] | [removed] | 2019-09-30T12:03:20.000Z | dbaiqm | 2 | 6 | ptsd | Changed my memories to feel better. Am I a bad person? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbaiqm/changed_my_memories_to_feel_better_am_i_a_bad/ |
12040701 | I was diagnosed with PTSD after leaving an abusive marriage. I feel pretty good most of the time, but still have triggers. I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is strained at times because of my triggers/responses even though I’ve tried to explain it to him.
For example, he sometimes reaches out and touches me while he’s talking (like when he’s making a point). Last week, I shrunk back from his touch and he looked at me like I was the Antichrist. I told him that I don’t like to be poked or touched unexpectedly, but he still didn’t seem to understand. This has nothing to do with him and it’s a reflexive response for me.
One major trigger for me is violence, screaming etc. in movies...especially in the evening or near bed time because I have nightmares. I’ve left the room before and gone to watch TV in the bedroom when he and my daughter were watching a scary movie and there was no issue. I’ve told him many times that movies can be triggering for me. Last night, a movie came on where a woman was getting ready for a bed and a man in a mask was lurking outside. The music got ominous and I knew I had to get out of there FAST. I quickly went to the other room and turned the TV on to drown it out. I could feel my heart racing and my breath quickening just imagining what was happening on that TV in the other room. If he wanted to watch that movie, I was ok with it, I just couldn’t be in that room. He came in and told me we needed to have a conversation about communication and how those situations could be better handled in the future. I told him that I left the room quickly because I knew something was coming and didn’t want to see/hear it since it was close to bed time. I said it had nothing to do with him and I wasn’t angry or anything. He continued to try to have a conversation about communication with me in that moment. I resented it. I feel like I did what I needed to in that moment to feel safe, and because it made him slightly uncomfortable, he was forcing me into a conversation I didn’t want to have. He implied that I wasn’t an adult.
I have been suicidal at a number of points in my life, am an alcoholic and have done a lot of shitty things over the years to deal with my trauma. I’m now almost 4 months sober and am really trying to be better. Leaving the room felt like the right thing to do in the moment and was a lot better strategy than things I have done in the past. I can’t always articulate how I feel when I’m triggered and I don’t always want to. I don’t want to always have to explain why I need to leave the room. It’s really discouraging to feel like I’m making progress and have someone treat me like I’m overreacting or a child. I know he means well and that he loves me, but it’s discouraging. Am I overreacting? Should I try to tough it out and talk in those moments? | 2019-09-30T11:49:03.000Z | dbacxe | 7 | 7 | ptsd | Am I overreacting? | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbacxe/am_i_overreacting/ |
[deleted] | [removed] | 2019-09-30T11:48:17.000Z | dbacm2 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Changing my memories to find comfort, escalated into more hurt | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dbacm2/changing_my_memories_to_find_comfort_escalated/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T08:22:30.000Z | db8gvx | 4 | 3 | ptsd | getting legal advice for sexual harassment and assault | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db8gvx/getting_legal_advice_for_sexual_harassment_and/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T03:37:38.000Z | db5vfm | 1 | 6 | ptsd | The effects being disowned and betrayed so many times stick with you through life, the fact that I can’t get rid of anything I have that has a face on it because even though I know they aren’t alive, i feel like they’ll be sad if they don’t have a home. Please hold onto your broken friends. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db5vfm/the_effects_being_disowned_and_betrayed_so_many/ |
cultyq | Why am I still sexually attracted to him, and even more drawn to/attached after he r@ped me?? I try to repress that and keep it hidden but I think about it often and feel aroused. Sometimes my brain will randomly pop in with ‘if you fuck him consensually this time, it will feel nice and validating that he wasn’t just using you, AND it will erase the fact that it was r@pe in the first place!’
I know it’s not true logically, but my brain can almost be convincing sometimes
He’s moving back close to me and wants to see me. He wants to hold me and comfort me when I’m going through my suicidal spirals that he caused by being selfish and careless and not listening when I said no. A big part of me...wants that?? To be around him, be held, comforted. By him. A part of me wants him to touch me again too??? But thinking about him kissing me again like he likes me gives me an anxiety attack. Maybe I want to use him for comfort and self harm?
Why? Why the fuck is my brain like this? I feel so weak and like I’m going to give in. Last night I had a nsfw dream about him and I enjoyed it, I feel so sick. All day he’s been wanting to come over to see me. | 2019-09-30T03:07:55.000Z | db5jup | 17 | 12 | ptsd | Why am I attracted to my abuser | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db5jup/why_am_i_attracted_to_my_abuser/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-30T00:30:16.000Z | db3qj0 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Feeling worse after telling my mother | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db3qj0/feeling_worse_after_telling_my_mother/ |
AbsurdPigment | So much tension.
It is 2am here at a hostel in Rome, and I cant sleep. Last night I had a horrific nightmare of their faces. Those images followed me around today. The record in my mind is skipping - the neurons on my brain marinating.
Ive been depressed all day. Now I cant even end the day because Im too scared to sleep. I know I should get some rest before check out tomorrow, but I really just want to get drunk and watch a movie. I dont want to be as I am right now.
The immense amounts of male attention i am getting abroad isnt helping, especially since I made myself heavy in order to hide. I dont want to write and face the creepy things Ive endured since Ive been here, but I will mention that I was hit on twice today, and one of the men called me 6 times this evening. I cant. I just cant.
I wish I had a bed I could feel safe in. Im really missing my cat. | 2019-09-30T00:20:13.000Z | db3meb | 0 | 2 | ptsd | My mind is being stretched like taffy | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db3meb/my_mind_is_being_stretched_like_taffy/ |
99999speedruns | First time poster here, also on mobile.
I was curious if anyone else has a fear of certain objects that they were abused with. For me, it would be belts. I'll have panic attacks from anyone picking them up or bracing it like they'll hit me. Even being too close to them is mental agony. | 2019-09-29T22:39:00.000Z | db2fap | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Fear of Objects Involved in the Abuse? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db2fap/fear_of_objects_involved_in_the_abuse/ |
orangeleaves_ | i sometimes wish I could jump into the pictures and relive those moments. I know you can’t but i miss those times. I can’t believe that I am the person in those photos it seems so unrealistic and feels like that was a different life time ago
My heart breaks | 2019-09-29T21:48:35.000Z | db1slq | 66 | 256 | ptsd | do you ever look at old pictures of yourself and get this huge pit in your stomach because you can’t believe that’s you. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db1slq/do_you_ever_look_at_old_pictures_of_yourself_and/ |
Sarah_Harrison224488 | I’m currently a junior in high school. Back in my freshman year I was admitted against my will into an inpatient mental hospital. During my two weeks there another kid got extremely angry and told us that he was going to kill us. He had to be restrained by security. Keep in mind this kid was about 18 and over 6 feet tall. My therapist says I have ptsd from this experience. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this too? Or am I just being over dramatic. I get flash backs. I have a hard time sleeping because I can’t stop thinking about my time in the hospital. Whenever someone gets angry or loud near me I almost completely shut down just from anxiety and a feeling of panic. If anyone has had a similar experience please let me know that I’m not the only one. | 2019-09-29T21:43:24.000Z | db1q8a | 7 | 8 | ptsd | PTSD from a mental hospital? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db1q8a/ptsd_from_a_mental_hospital/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-09-29T21:19:08.000Z | db1euv | 0 | 1 | ptsd | is anyone else disgusted by sex now. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/db1euv/is_anyone_else_disgusted_by_sex_now/ |