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[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-08T02:52:02.000Z | deu3dg | 3 | 2 | ptsd | Advice on bringing up things you’re ashamed of with your therapist? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deu3dg/advice_on_bringing_up_things_youre_ashamed_of/ |
raspberrygothic | 22F never had a boyfriend.
My therapist thinks my eating disorder triggers and alcohol triggers are trauma related but they’re kind of... sexual?
My dad was physically and emotionally abusive, as well as likely sexually to our mother and cheated on her the whole time all over the country and with neighbours. Sexual themes not as guarded away as they should have been even if it wasnt full on sexual abuse in front of us it was like he just expected us to not know what it was or “be able to get the joke.”
The physical abuse was stuff like getting punched, lifted by the neck, I was told I was too worthless and ugly to find a husband at fucking 11.
But even if not trauma related, I have self esteem issues from emotional and physical abuse, verbal abuse that can be + I was called ugly and weird a lot at school.
I link my self esteem (ruined through abuse) to sexual gratification, feeling or looking sexy.
I think I’m really into sub/dom stuff, and actually want them to dominate to the point it almost scares me? (Almost. I’ve had a scary experience once I wouldn’t want again) but like consensual-noncon, feeling owned and used like a toy. Because he cant control himself or some bs.
Especially if it’s a taller guy, I’m pretty short. sub girls always look tiny, I want to be tiny.
I want to be so desirable that I feel flirty and sexy, be able to pursue a guy I think is hot, hoping he’s into the same shit.
I’ve been pretty isolated in my life, have a high sex drive and might be bipolar.
I was given a paper to write in my triggers I noticed for my eating issues and alcohol. I want to put sex at the top.
Because I just want to wear revealing, alternative looking clothes. Show off my belly button piercing, wear short skirts, thigh high socks. I own more lingerie than clothes I feel is going to waste because i dont feel good enough to wear it rn and I have no partner.
The alcohol just makes me sluttier, euphoric, more confident.
I already just want to mix one now and I’ve had maybe 500 calories today??
The only reason I’m trying not to is because of alcohol calories and the fact that I can’t buy more vodka for another couple weeks. Just to keep it un-suspicious. I didnt expect to drink a whole bottle two days after buying them.
I feel like I can’t just go into therapy and say:
I’m losing weight fast because I need to get hot as hell, get fucked raw by a good dom I have to look hot and small to feel comfortable.
It’s a huge motivation as to why I’m not eating rn but I can’t say it in therapy.
The other day I posted in r/sex and people were telling me to bring up my sex stuff in therapy. and i was thinking “why the hell would I do that?” but maybe it makes sense, maybe but how. What do I write as my triggers? It’s too embarrassing... i want vodka now. | 2019-10-07T23:58:52.000Z | des1n6 | 15 | 53 | ptsd | My triggers are too embarrassing to talk about in therapy....(Tw; sex mention, emotional and physical abuse mention, sub/dom mention- nsfw) | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/des1n6/my_triggers_are_too_embarrassing_to_talk_about_in/ |
aintLikeYou | I have come to wonder if I have PTSD but from events that took place a long time ago. Like when I was a teenager (15-19yo) I am now about to turn 52. I know I should see a professional..but I am home couch-bond today b/c I did not sleep again last night due to pain from my peripheral nephropathy and am unable to do much else ...so surfing has brought me here.
I am trying to find answers for my intractable peripheral nephropathy, RLS and insomnia. This is why I started considering PTSD.
Briefly here is why I wonder about PTSD: I had a really messed up childhood. I was out of the house at 15, ended up living on the streets addicted to heroine for awhile and saw things no kid should see (now that I have kids I really recognize this). Oh and my older brother, who I was with through some of this died several years ago from HIV. I have always played down my experience somewhat like pointing out that a lot of people had it much worse than me or emphasizing what a "wild" childhood I had, etc. Maybe that is some way of remaining on-guard.
Is it possible I would be suffering all this years later? | 2019-10-07T22:44:37.000Z | der4cv | 8 | 2 | ptsd | PTSD much later in life | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/der4cv/ptsd_much_later_in_life/ |
[deleted] | [removed] | 2019-10-07T22:34:19.000Z | deqzmd | 0 | 0 | ptsd | PTSD management through substances to alleviate harmful symptoms | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deqzmd/ptsd_management_through_substances_to_alleviate/ |
oh_yeah_daddy_trump | [removed] | 2019-10-07T21:11:24.000Z | depuh5 | 0 | 0 | ptsd | Diagnosed with cptsd and borderline etc 10 days on medication and on a really good way | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/depuh5/diagnosed_with_cptsd_and_borderline_etc_10_days/ |
[deleted] | So, I have an eating disorder, anxiety, depression phases, maybe OCD issues and I thought they were linked to my bipolar disorder.
I get addicted to things like alcohol, caffeine, other drugs and I binge eat or starve myself and chalked it up to the bipolar. The fact that I have such a difficult time socializing. I just put down to anxiety.
Well the psychiatrist I saw a couple days ago doesn’t think I’m bipolar.
He thinks I’ve got ADD, anxiety, depression and trauma with a couple borderline personality traits. He thinks the mix together is what the “bipolar disorder” actually is.
I think he could be wrong, but I used to think my therapist who thought I was bipolar was wrong too for a while.
So today I went into therapy and told my psychologist about my visit with the psychiatrist. Also that I was about to relapse with my eating disorder after about a month of recovery, where I basically just switched my eating issues out with alcohol.
So we ended up reaching a point where we realized I use alcohol to comfort myself, I use starving to comfort, I use binge eating for comfort.
All to comfort in different ways with different triggers.
I cried a bit, tried not to but she started talking about how I didnt get very emotional when I told her about things that actually happened in my childhood, I laughed even. So me crying I guess is new.
I don’t know why I cried over her showing me that each impulsive habit was just a different painkiller for each pain.
My dad used to stand in front of me and call me down to shit and mock me while I stood there and cried. Then make fun of the crying.
I remember it a little every time I have to deal with a difficult manager or customer in the workplace and have to hide my emotional response. Anger will be met with louder anger and I can’t deal. If I win out emotionally or logically they could make it physical.
If I cry I’m a loser. If I tell them to go fuck themselves I’m fired.
Below likely triggering, not important to overall post. So don’t read the italicized chunk if you don’t wanna hear about verbal abuse.
*Not sure why dad did but have a bit of an idea; I hated myself for being a piece of shit, because of how people treated me like shit, so I self harmed, my dad told me I was a piece of shit for self harming because he sure as hell wasnt going to take blame for breaking me down as a person. So he just fed into it on purpose. That I am worthless shit. He cornered me every once in a while to do that. I just wanted to die and shrink under the floor.**
I have other related things to say.
I think they have context together but I’m going to split it between posts so it isn’t a wall of text. | 2019-10-07T20:36:23.000Z | depcm2 | 0 | 3 | ptsd | A breakthrough in therapy today? (Pt. 1 of some rambling) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/depcm2/a_breakthrough_in_therapy_today_pt_1_of_some/ |
graffitionbarnwalls | PTSD vs ADHD
I recently been diagnosed with both as an adult(35) and now life makes sence.
Any advice and tools you have developed and would like to share would be helpful. | 2019-10-07T20:33:37.000Z | depb56 | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Advice: PTSD + ADHD | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/depb56/advice_ptsd_adhd/ |
XenicaFlies | I am a 51 yo female in the US. This is not my main account for privacy purposes.
I have always had pretty severe mental health issues due to early childhood sexual abuse, rape, severe parental abuse. I went on to have abusive relationships and I have never really had friends because all the people I meet tend to be abusive in one way or another and I can't bring myself to even attempt friendships, I get triggered and going alone is just easier.
March 2018 I reconnected with a sibling that had just been released from prison for attempted murder. I guess I am an idiot for attempting that relationship, I should have known better but I just wanted to connect with someone. Thankfully this person is in a far away state.
She went on to kind of con me for money and things and was just . . . bad. It made me remember all the things that happened to me as a child and teenager and all the abuse. I used to function fairly well considering but since that happened I don't. I went several months only leaving the house to pay my rent. I recently started going out of my apartment a little more frequently but honestly, it freaked me out and I get that head spinning a million miles an hour anxiety. I stopped seeing my PCP and taking all of my medications last October because he didn't seem to be listening to me, I felt blown off and it was just too much too take. I went off all meds cold turkey and let me tell you, that was rough.
A year later, here I am. I am in pretty bad shape mentally. I don't sleep, I can't think, I experience terror and rage pretty frequently. I have tried a couple times to seek mental health care again in the last year but it was pretty horrible. I was told to "Just forget about all that" and I did just push it down for most of my life but I can't seem to do that anymore. I can't bring myself to to try to seek care again, I am afraid of being blown off again, it just feels wrong and abusive and red flags galore and it sets me off into the abyss of terror and rage. I really don't know what to do to get myself back on track.
I have been following this sub for awhile (on my main account) and I wondered if anyone might have some advice to help me figure it out. | 2019-10-07T17:48:36.000Z | demye9 | 4 | 4 | ptsd | Severe PTSD Symptoms | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/demye9/severe_ptsd_symptoms/ |
Knpredwood1113 | My therapist asked me to do a trauma timeline so that we could work through the abuse and neglect that my parents so wonderfully gifted me with. I have never had to do one of these and it’s causing a lot of anxiety. My parents would yell, hit and scream; then the next day everything was fine. If it was brought up that everything wasn’t rainbows and butterflies; then it was time for more gaslighting and punishment. I felt crazy then; as a child, and trying to remember things has been incredibly hard on me. I feel as though if this much trauma happened; I must have been the horrible child they said I was. I just want to be happy and I feel so damaged that I’m afraid that I will never accomplish that. | 2019-10-07T17:01:39.000Z | dema9k | 7 | 8 | ptsd | Anyone have to do a trauma timeline? | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dema9k/anyone_have_to_do_a_trauma_timeline/ |
[deleted] | Hello everyone. I've recently come home from the Air Force and have been going to the VA for a couple of months for generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. I also struggled heavily with (possible trigger warning) >!spoiler (suicidal thoughts.)!< Recently my therapist diagnosed me with OCD and PTSD which has been an eye opener, seeing as to how I've been feeling like something else was up with me, but couldn't figure out what it was until she confirmed it for me.
Since I've been home my wife and I have gotten married and moved into our first home together (we stayed with her parents for the first two months of me coming home). I had a job at a residential care facility, but I quit and decided to work on my health full time until I could handle this stuff better because it was a real struggle working and coping at the same time. But since I quit, it meant it was fully up to my wife to pay the bills and rent. We're managing (barely), but I feel selfish and I want to help. I've gotten better since the start of my treatment and I want to get back into the world to fully turn back to civilian life and learn more about how to live with what I have by getting more used to it.
I looked into being a baker as a job. I feel comfortable working with food and cooking at home. It really helps me take my mind off of my struggles and put them into what I'm doing. Plus baking to me is relaxing and not to difficult of a job. I've found a bakery here where I live and have been thinking about contacting the owner about my situation and applying, but I'm unsure if that's the right way to go about it. I want to the owner to be understanding of my situation though and know what they're getting into hiring me. Not that I'm going to be a nuisance and have a lot of problems, but that I may need a break or two every once and awhile to collect my thoughts and catch my breathe, you know?
I'm also going to talk to my therapist about this on Thursday during our next appointment, but until then I wanted to get this subreddits thoughts on it and if it sounds like a good idea, or if I should even go for it? Thank you all in advance for any input, and l hope you have a great rest of your day. | 2019-10-07T16:47:17.000Z | dem32o | 1 | 4 | ptsd | I want everyone's opinion on working in a bakery. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dem32o/i_want_everyones_opinion_on_working_in_a_bakery/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-07T15:16:33.000Z | deku39 | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Stress, anxiety and fear. My body is really fighting me today. Flight or fight responses, flashbacks, dreams and no sleep and feeling over stimulated to the max. Also bad headache. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deku39/stress_anxiety_and_fear_my_body_is_really/ |
shantamichelle | I’ve been taking 10mg (half a pill) of Celexa a day for a week and my vision has been in and out of focus with occasional headaches due to it, and my physical response to intimacy has been delayed. I do feel less anxious, for sure, but the intrusive thoughts still come so I still have the shit bouncing around in my head but my body doesn’t respond with dread like it did. So I guess that’s a plus. Should I give it more time to level out or is this just how it’s going to be? | 2019-10-07T13:55:22.000Z | dejrjo | 6 | 2 | ptsd | Celexa symptoms | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dejrjo/celexa_symptoms/ |
[deleted] | I'm not so sure I know anymore. I've just been- surviving. Lots of meds. | 2019-10-07T12:45:02.000Z | deixu1 | 13 | 1 | ptsd | What's the difference between coping and getting better? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deixu1/whats_the_difference_between_coping_and_getting/ |
[deleted] | I was diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago after losing my best friend last year and alot of other issues (also have severe OCD as well, which causes me a-lot of self doubt about my disorder, which is a whole other issue in itself.)
Ive been taking prazosin, and for the first few weeks it worked, but now i feel like dreams and nightmares are creeping in.
I wake up in fear alot, but generally don’t wake up screaming, what really scares me about sleep is that whenever im in the nightmare, im aware of it, but not fully. I feel trapped, and that sensation of being cornered stays with me for what feels like hours. Its horrifying and I don’t want that to come back. Can anyone else relate? If so what do you do? | 2019-10-07T12:27:43.000Z | deiqqh | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Anyone else having nightmares they can’t wake up from? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deiqqh/anyone_else_having_nightmares_they_cant_wake_up/ |
Warhorse86 | What can I say its a good day today, but I only maybe get two good days a week I'm a veteran I served the UK Armed Forces for 12 years, join the army they said see the world they said was so excited. Well they wasn't wrong I did see the world but in a different light a dark one, I left the army in 2015 after serving 12 years for Queen and Country since I left its been a constant struggle and worry in my mind everyone's a enemy even the parents at my sons school it's got to a point where I don't leave the house isolation is a comman part of my life lit totally sucks | 2019-10-07T11:48:09.000Z | deibpk | 4 | 3 | ptsd | PTSD | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deibpk/ptsd/ |
Zebrapotato27 | So a couple years ago I used to work at a funeral home. I was a cremationist there and worked there for 2.5 years. About 5% of the cremations were infants or small children. A couple weeks ago I was eat at a restaurant and saw some families pass by with babies or young children. My hands started trembling and felt like I was about to cry. This had never happened before and I was wondering if I might have PTSD. I had to stop eating and wait for that feeling to pass. I do not like being around babies or seeing them since working at the funeral home. I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD. I'm thinking about going to an EMDR therapist. | 2019-10-07T10:44:04.000Z | dehq1n | 1 | 3 | ptsd | First time this had happened | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dehq1n/first_time_this_had_happened/ |
hukuna-matata | I have PTSD with short term memory loss as well as memory loss from the trauma I've been through. I'm often very confused and am lied to in order to protect my mental health. I then confabulate and make things up that I truly believe have happened. I'm often called a liar and am told what I'm saying isn't true.
I wake up in the night with leg spasms and screaming hysterically for help. I'm an inpatient and when nurses come and check on me I often continue to scream at them stating I am not getting the correct support for my mental health and take it all out on them. I think I do this as I feel no one knows how to, or can support me.
In the day I'm very reasonable and try and engage and accept support from nurses. Despite, feeling the support I'm getting isn't enough. When I do get distressed I take it out on myself and not other patients or nurses.
I wake up in the morning with no recollection of what happened in the night, other than my legs feeling extremely achy like I've done a workout at the gym. I'm told I need to apologise to the nurses but have absolutely no memory of what has been said or what has happened. | 2019-10-07T09:38:43.000Z | deh6by | 0 | 3 | ptsd | Memory loss, sleep terrors and leg spasms | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deh6by/memory_loss_sleep_terrors_and_leg_spasms/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-07T08:07:44.000Z | degg4k | 1 | 7 | ptsd | Dealing With Childhood Trauma As An Adult-NSFW | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/degg4k/dealing_with_childhood_trauma_as_an_adultnsfw/ |
morotssoppa | I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now and I can't keep up with school. I have so much work to do but I just can't bring myself to do it. If I don't keep up I'll get failed so it's kinda important...
Does anyone have any advice? | 2019-10-07T06:57:02.000Z | defw2r | 2 | 5 | ptsd | How am I supposed to manage school | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/defw2r/how_am_i_supposed_to_manage_school/ |
theendisnie | PTSD is kind of a soldier thing. I've felt inadequacy about the diagnosis.
I was used for child sex trafficking when I was 5-7. It fucked me up a lot
Recently something set it off and I'm struggling | 2019-10-07T06:46:17.000Z | defsxa | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Struggling | 0.63 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/defsxa/struggling/ |
humanoidcarp | so, about 2 years ago, i {20m} moved states to run from my trauma, specifically my triggers surrounding my abusive ex {20m}. i've been doing a lot of work in therapy and on myself, and i decided it's time to move back and work through those feelings in the places where they happened, as a kind of closure deal.
well, my brain cannot stop spiraling into thoughts about my ex finding me when i go back. i know that rationally, even if he ever ran into me, it would be in public, and he probably would put as much effort into avoiding me as i would, but i think it's the prospect of us going from being 300 miles apart to 5 that's stressing me out so much. if he isn't at a distance, then i know me and my stockholm-y cycle too well to trust that i won't try to reel him back into my life because when i'm not doing well, i start convincing myself i need him. and because i'm not sleeping, i'm becoming more depressed and i find myself missing him. it just makes me feel stupid because none of my anxieties even make sense, but it's getting to the point where i'm anywhere from sleeping 5-6 hours a night on a good day or the worst was when i was awake for almost 3 days having slept 4 hours.
anyway, i'm really just rambling at this point. i guess i'm just here to see if anyone has shared experiences in any of these areas? advice and/or kind words appreciated. | 2019-10-07T06:12:55.000Z | defilv | 1 | 1 | ptsd | hardly sleeping lately | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/defilv/hardly_sleeping_lately/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-07T05:15:34.000Z | def0sb | 6 | 0 | ptsd | Why are my triggers all over the place? | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/def0sb/why_are_my_triggers_all_over_the_place/ |
kattaganist | Hey im a college student with ptsd from like a bunch shit ( scared to get into it). My cat is currently an emotinal support animal but is at home because i was scared that bringing him to college would make me stand out too much, but i get constant flashbacks and life is rough living with my PTSD. Ill get flashbacks in the middles of class and zone while i try to keep my panic under control. I wake up at least 3 times a night in cold sweats from night mares. Anyway im not sure about bringing my cat up because maybe i need something more. But im not sure about the ethicalness of keeping an animal in a dorm room. Or how to even begin getting a service dog i know theyre really expensive and im afraid i wont get the same bond with the dog that i have with my cat. Any advice on animals in a dorm room or service animals vs esa would be awesome. Kinda stuck and panicky rn dont know where to turn sorry if your sick of my posts
Thanks,
Me | 2019-10-07T04:38:48.000Z | deeoil | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Emotional Support Animal vs. Service Dog | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deeoil/emotional_support_animal_vs_service_dog/ |
some-velvet-morning | My therapist officially diagnosed me with both CPTSD and depersonalization disorder. But isn’t depersonalization just a symptom of PTSD? Or is depersonalization comorbid to PTSD? Or are they truly two separate entities? | 2019-10-07T04:33:40.000Z | deemta | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Dual diagnosis, comorbidity, or just a symptom of the same disorder? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deemta/dual_diagnosis_comorbidity_or_just_a_symptom_of/ |
raspberrydoodle | I was diagnosed a few months ago with PTSD from a series of events that happened when I was eight.
I have struggled since then with a repertoire of mental health issues and the like, so I’m not new to therapy or treatment by any means. But I struggle heavily with shame and embarrassment, which triggers suicidal ideation. It’s especially bad tonight.
When I think about PTSD, I generally think of violence, sexual assault, war... While I absolutely suffered and continue being held back from these experiences, I am so angry at myself for letting something that, in retrospect, was NOT a big deal AT ALL (except to my eight year old self my world was collapsing) affect me so much. Twenty fking years and I’m only just now able to really touch it.
I’m feeling very broken down and pitiful, like a child. Lacking any reason or worth.
Does anyone else question the value or validity of their PTSD? Can anyone relate to what I’m feeling? | 2019-10-07T03:27:32.000Z | dedyja | 4 | 5 | ptsd | Is it common to feel shame from PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dedyja/is_it_common_to_feel_shame_from_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-07T03:24:14.000Z | dedx8v | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I need help understanding trigger warning | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dedx8v/i_need_help_understanding_trigger_warning/ |
shakespearestark | 3 years ago.
Been dreading it all week. I don’t have a therapy appointment, but I was encouraged to stay busy and keep my mind off of it. Avoid the place where it happened. Still feel uneasy and cold. Having trouble sleeping tonight. Feel all antsy and upset.
I’ll take any advice or funny jokes at this point. I hate that a whole day is ruined for me. I have support I just am afraid to burden my friends with keeping me busy tomorrow. Guess we’ll see what happens. | 2019-10-07T03:06:02.000Z | dedq7l | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Tomorrow is the... ‘anniversary’ of the worst day of my life. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dedq7l/tomorrow_is_the_anniversary_of_the_worst_day_of/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-07T01:48:16.000Z | decv8h | 6 | 15 | ptsd | Anyone struggling to see the future? | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/decv8h/anyone_struggling_to_see_the_future/ |
[deleted] | Hi guys!
I recently got diagnosed with PTSD but I’m having trouble coming to terms with it. I do not believe that I’m depressed in any way because I don’t show many signs of it, but I also wouldn’t know because I’ve never had it.
Lately I’ve had times where the memory of the event just pops up in my brain for no reason, or I do get triggered. I sometimes feel emotionally disconnected from people. The best way to put it is almost as if real people seem more distant then people in like vlogs or tv shows as of late. And then I just have random, really intense fatigue. But I have rather good levels of confidence, and I love myself as a person and feel strong. Do yall think this is aligned with PTSD alone or some sort of depression? And do these symptoms tend to fade as PTSD is treated? Like after treatment and therapy do the feelings of being connected to others come back? I’m trying to be really optimistic and hopeful | 2019-10-07T01:23:38.000Z | decl9l | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/decl9l/help/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-07T00:52:00.000Z | dec7jw | 1 | 1 | ptsd | I Think I Might Have PTSD | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dec7jw/i_think_i_might_have_ptsd/ |
lucy_skywalker22 | This is a really long story and I don't know if this is the right sub to talk about this but five years ago I experienced something so distressing that I blocked it out of my memory for five years and the people I have told in real life look at me like I am crazy, nobody believes me, they think I am exaggerating. Even I don't understand what the hell was going on with me. I am still very distressed about this, I started university in the beginning of September and that's when I remembered all of it. I completely broke down and missed my first week of classes and could barely function.
**So this is the background information on the story:**
My father has a brother who has two daughters (they are twins). We will call them B and E. These cousins of mine were my godmothers and were in my life until I was 4 or 5 years old when my father had a falling out with his brother. After this falling out, my cousins also stopped speaking to my father or even saying hi to him, basically we lost all contact with them. My father hasn't spoken to his brother nor his nieces in 20 years and we have had zero contact with them.
While I was growing up, I often thought about my cousins and my uncle because I have a few memories of them and I distinctly remember my uncle being around a lot and looking so much like my father. We have many photos and family videos of them and growing up I often wondered about them and wished I could know them. B's best friends lived on the same street as me and when I was a child there were quite a few times when I saw her going up to her apartment, there was even one occasion when I literally walked by B, she looked at me, didn't even say hi to me, she just turned her head. I didn't say hi to her because I was about 8 years old and I knew that she wasn't speaking to us anymore and was too scared to say hi. I saw B quite a few times on TV because she used to be married to a famous person. There were other times when I saw her, one time I saw her at the beach, she was swimming right by me, I was looking at her, she didn't acknowledge me. I saw her walking on the other side of the street when I was playing in the garden in kindergarten and when I went home, I asked my mom if she was coming to our house later. She told she wasn't coming because she had a falling out with dad. Sometimes I would hear people talking about them (like one of their friends was working in my kindergarten and I would occassionally hear her talk about them with someone).
One time, I was standing in front of B's friend's apartments and the friend's daughter (of about kindergarten age) was also there and I started chatting to her (I didn't know her though). So she randomly mentions B and E and my godfather by name and I was like OMG! You know them? She says 'yes, B is my godmother!' I was so confused I didn't understand how she could be her godmother because she was MY godmother!
So basically, I totally knew who they were and wished they were still in my life despite the fact that I hadn't seen them since I was very little.
One time when B's husband had a concert in our hometown, my mom and I went up to them (my other cousin was also there) because they standing by the stage while B's husband was signing autographs. So we go up to them, my mom starts talking to one of them, while the other one is sitting behind her. B looked visibly uncomfortable and didn't even look at me. My mom was just asking her pleasantries like how are you doing etc it was all very superficial and uncomfortable. While my mom is talking to her I am standing there wondering how is it possible that she is my cousin and my godmother yet she won't even look at me? Then I look behind her and I look at her sister E and as I say hi to her, she turns her head and doesn't acknowledge me. The reason my mom went up to them in the first place is because of me. She knew I remembered them and wanted to somehow make contact with them but of course nothing came of this uncomfortable encounter. B's friend moved from our street when I was around 9 and this encounter was around that time so I never saw B or E again after around 2003 or 2004 when I was 9.
However B and E's brother T was still in my life, he had two sons that I was on good terms with, and they would often come out, we would go to their house, we would go on holiday together etc so of course I would occasionally hear some things here and there from the boys as they were B's and E's nephews so they would share stories of what they did while they were at their house and I would always wish I could have gone to their house. There were several times when my uncle drove by me and these two boys while we were playing outside so he also had opportunities to talk to me but he never did.
Then in 2006, T really screwed my dad over with a lot of money. Then he just fucked off to a foreign country and left a LOT of debt that my father had to pay off which took him about 10 years and we had a VERY hard time.... we almost lost our house.
We haven't heard from T since nor his two sons and he was the last person left of my father's family left, so since about 2006 we have had no contact with any of my dad's family so I hadn't heard anything about B and E since then, aside from when B divorced her famous husband and there were a whole bunch of reports about her on TV in 2008.
In 2008 during art class my teacher put on music while we were drawing. It was B's husband's music. My friend next to me loudly exclaimed 'X is D's godfather!!!' My teacher looks at me a little shocked, comes up to me and asks if I know B and E. I tell her yes they are my cousins. I wasn't sure if she saw them on TV or if she knew them in real life. Then she asked about my uncle by his nickname and that's when I realized she knew them in real life. I just told her we haven't spoken to them in a long time.
About a week later, her daughter K starts asking me about my godfather and my cousins in English class. So I start talking to her about them, I tell them I haven't seen them since kindergarten but I remember them. She asks do you know L? And I say oh yes she is B's friend, she used to live on my street, I used to see them going to B's friends house and they would never come around to my house, I told her that B's friend's daughter told me she was B's goddaughter and I felt sad about it etc... so then K tells me her mom, my art teacher, is friends with B's friend L! So it suddenly occurs to me, oops, K is now gonna tell all of this to her mom, who is then going to tell all of this to B's friend, who might tell all of this to B!
A few months later, I graduated from high school. B's friend, her daughter, my art teacher, and the woman who worked at my kindergarten and whom I had heard talking about B in kindergarten were all sitting in the audience right in front of me. Then B's husband's music started playing. I was just standing there like this is so ridiculous, B's husband's music is playing while B's best friends are sitting in front of me while B isn't here and how funny is it that all of these people in front of me are also thinking about the same thing right now, probably feeling sorry for me.
**AND THEN THIS HAPPENED:**
Fast forward to 2014, when I was 19. I was working at a coffee shop. I was outside cleaing up some tables and then.... I see my cousin E and her husband coming up to me (whom I did not know was her her husband at the time). I hadn't seen her in real life since about 2003, when B's friend moved from our street and B and E never came to our street again. I hadn't actually spoken to her since I was 4 or 5.
So I look at her and I immediately recognize her and I thought I was going to faint. The first thing her husband says? 'Wow you two look so much alike' I immediately think Jesus Christ, she is not going to recognize me, this is going to be so awkward I am about to serve her coffee and she doesn't even know it is me and she is going to ignore me like she has done for the past 14 years. I just wanted to escape from there. So I tell them I will be back in a minute. I go inside to gain back my composure and then I go out and take their order. As soon as I ask 'what can I get you' her husband exclaims 'wow even your voice sounds the same.... what if you two are related? Are you sure you aren't sisters? What's your name'?
At this point I was thinking about saying another name but I plucked up the courage to tell them my full name after a long pause. My cousin E is just looking at me looking a little shocked but she didn't say ANYTHING. I just kept looking at her waiting for her to say something but she wouldn't say anything to me, she wouldn't even order anything, her husband had to order for her because she refused to say anything to me.
So I went inside wanting to just die, and then her husband starts asking me all sorts of questions about my personal life. y cousin E was whispering to him asking questions and her husband then asked me the questions, like what am I doing with my life now, how is all my family, I literally told them everything that had happened to me and my family in the last 14 years they had missed out on.... throughout all of this y cousin E won't say a word to me and I am comtemplating just leaving all this behind, walking out and going home. But oops I can't do that because I need this job and I need to make money but inside I am screaming. Then her husband starts asking me about my art teacher, so I start telling him all of what I had just written in the first part of my post. I told him ALL about how I would always see B and E at their friend's house, how I saw B at the beach and she never acknowledged me, how I was waiting for her to come to me when I saw her in kindergarten, how I knew where E's wedding with him was because T's sons told me (they were totally shocked I knew about this), I told him how much E looks like our grandmother etc.... cousin E was totally shocked and started crying but I just kept telling her. I also started crying when I recalled how they had ignored me when my mom and I went up to them at the concert. Meanwhile CUSTOMERS WERE COMING IN. So I had to serve customers while my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 14 years was sitting in front of me crying, refusing to say anything to me just like she had done for the past 14 years whenever she saw me, MEANWHILE my boss who was a completely insane man started yelling at me for talking to people instead of doing my job, and all throughout this I am just standing there overwhelmed, desperaetly trying to keep my composure. My mind just completely switched off, I was trying to completely dissociate from the situation and I suddenly had this tunnel vision where my environment stopped existing and I had this surge of confidence. I was trying to block E out of my mind since she wasn't speaking so I stopped looking at her and I would only look at her husband and only speak to him.
Then at one point, another unbelievable thing happens. E's huband (who I later found out is a lawyer) was basically interrogating me, asking me very smart questions so that he could lead me to say things he was curious about. He interrogated me like a lawyer. So at one point we were talking about my art teacher's daughter, whom I had talked to about B and E. He asks' Is it possible that you don't have a boyfriend because of the same reason she doesn't have a boyfriend?' And I look at him like OH MY FUCKING GOD. He knows she is gay! And now since I looked at him in disbelief he also knows that yes I am also gay. I HADN'T COME OUT TO ANYONE BEFORE THIS. The first person I came out to was my cousin who hadn't spoken to me since I was 4 and her lawyer husband who was interrogating me about my life and what I knew about B and E! I thought I was going to lose my mind at this point, I thought I was living in a dream, I couldn't even see properly, this major brain fog came over me.
Later the husband paid a bunch of money to my boss to let me talk to them, so he called in another girl to work instead of me, so this whole interrogation went on for over an hour.
I never knew why my dad had a falling out with his brother or why we weren't keeping in touch with any of them. E's husband told me that the falling out was over the following: my uncle and my dad are both hunters and they used to go around stealing deer every single day and then selling it to restaurants. However this was my uncle's gig and my dad was also his servant and he wouldn't give any of the money to my dad, who only went along with being his servant so that he would take him hunting with him. Then one day my dad had enough and told him he isn't willing to be used like this anymore and he wants some money. To which my uncle said off you go then, threw all my dad's clothes out the window and they never spoke again. My cousins decided to bail on us as well and just decided they were never gonna come over or even acknowledge our existence ever again. He explicitly told me that my dad never did anything wrong, it was my uncle and cousins who behaved like assholes.
So after an hour of crying while I recall how sad our family dynaics are and how I don't know anyone from my dad's family and how their brother has also fucked my dad over and left us a bunch of debt which almost led to us losing our house etc.... it culminates in this. My cousin just cries and at one point she looks at a car across the road and says 'I can't take it anymore'.
What happens next? B's son, B's friend, her daughter, my art teacher and her daughter, my uncle, the woman whom I had heard talking about B in kindergarten STEP OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR. As this happens I saw E's husband pushing a button on his phone and I suddenly realize they had been sitting in the car listening to our conversation on the phone all along, and that this is all a set up. All the people that I had been speaking about for an hour have listened to everything I have said and have set all this up.
At this point the world just stopped existing for me. They all came up to me and stood in the doorway. As I saw my uncle and B standing there I couldn't even look at them, I rushed behind the counter and turned my back to them. Then B starts talking to me and I put my hands over my ears because I couldn't listen to her voice, y mind just froze like when you open so many pages in your browser that the computer freezes and stops responding and won't do anything no matter what you do. I just stood there in shock turning my back to them and they both tried to put their hand on my shoulder and I pulled away. B had to whisper questions to my coworker who would then tell me the questions and this way I told themI wanted them to leave. They left. But not before E's husband letting me know he is sorry for interrogating me and that he is a billionaire and he feels so bad for what he has just done that he is going to buy me an apartment in England, where I was about to move for university. I told him no I don't want it. He said I don't even have to speak to them but he wants to pay for all of my tuition fees and will buy me an apartment as well. I told no and told them to leave.
So they left.
**AFTERMATH:**
About a month later, I went to take an exam and my art teacher's friend was also there. We were sitting in the classroom waiting. The girl sitting next to us starts talking about how my B's husband's music is going to be playing at her graduation. I immediately start thinking about my own graduation and how B's husband's music was playing and I start crying. I remember what E and her husband did to me at the coffee shop and I remeber that my art teacher was also there. My friend tells the girl to stop talking about him.
So I wonder how does she know why am I crying? I ask her 'Did your mom tell you what happened?' She says 'no, I was there'. I DID NOT REMEBER HER BEING THERE UNTIL SHE TOLD ME. Then I suddenly realize that I have no idea what the hell happened, I don't remember any of the conversation I was having, I don't even remember who was there. This was a month after it happened! So I start asking her who was there and she tells me B and my uncle were there. And then I suddenly get this flashback of B and my uncle coming up to me and I just completely lost it, it was like I was living it all over again. She had to recall all of what we had talked about to me, and as she was telling me all of it I remembered what had happened, but only when she told me, I literally didn't remember anything. All I remembered was that E came up to me and when I told her my name she didn't say anything. Everything afterwards was completely blank.
It turns out the reason they set up this whole thing was because they wanted to give me money. My friend had told her mom (my ex art teacher who then told B's friend who then told B) that I was going to university abroad. It turns out that B's friend told B I knew who she was and that I had seen her throughout my childhood and all that stuff back when I had told all of this to my teacher's daughter and they thought that the only reason I know who they are is BECAUSE OF THEIR MONEY! They thought there is no way I remember them or care for them, it must be that my father was telling me about them so that I would contact them so that they would give me money. So they thought she is going abroad, the poor girl is being told by her father that her relatives are ranging from millionaires to billionaires, let's go and give her some money. They thought it was going to be a great surprise and thought that I would be glad to see them and would introduce myself the minute the I saw her. This girl told me that apparently my cousins weren't even on good terms with my father before I was born and that my father only chose them to be my godmothers because they were both married to billionaires so they would give me a lot of money. I had no idea about any of this. So basically after my dad fell out with their father they no longer felt the need to keep up appearances and pretend to care so they just bailed and didn't give a fuck about me.
I never told my father nor mother nor anyone about any of this although I don't know if it was because I intentionally wanted to keep it a secret or if I had just forgotten about by the next day.
Fast forward two months, I go to B's friend's office (who is a lawyer) with my dad, I needed to get some paperwork done and my dad insisted that we go to her office because dad knows us so she does things for us for free. So I go to her office NOT REMEMBERING ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED, as I stepped in her office I had no idea any of this had ever happened, I had no idea she was there at the coffee shop, I even forgot that she was B's friend. I HAD NO IDEA despite the fact that my art teacher's daughter had recalled all of this to me just a few months ago. So while my father is outside she starts talking to me about what had happened at the coffee shop, I tell her I don't remember any of it. And then she asks me do you remember B and your uncle were there? I start getting the flashbacks again as if it was happening right then and there, until this point I had forgotten any of this had happened..... AGAIN. I had no recollection of it.
This was in August 2014. I left for university in September 2014 and I remember as I was saying goodbye at the airport, I started crying. My parents thought I was crying because I was leaving, but I was actually crying because I suddenly remembered that I hadn't told my father that his family came up to me and tried to make amends.
From then on, I never thought about any of this again. I just completely forgot it ever happened, never thought about my cousins, as far as I was concerned, the last time I saw them was when I was 4, I had no idea about any of this.
**PRESENT:**
Then in May of this year. I randomly come across my art teacher's Facebook page. On the left side of the profile, my cousin E pops up in her Friends list. I immediately get this knot in my stomach this extremely bad feeling. I logged out of my account and made a fake account to view her profile because I was scared to even look at her profile but I HAD NO RECOLLECTION THAT SHE CAME UP TO ME 5 YEARS AGO. NO IDEA ANY OF THIS HAD HAPPENED. I also looked up B, her friend, her son etc.... still no recollection of anything.
Since May I had been thinking about B and E and my uncle non stop. I had no idea what was going on with me, I didn't understand why I kept thinking about these people all day long, I even cried a few times thinking about them while having no idea why. I was so confused why am I crying over people I haven't seen since I was 4?
In August, I went biking with one of my little cousins and when I was younger I would often bike on my uncle's street and pass right by his house (although I had never seen him there). I would go there because I knew he lived on that street and I remembered going to that street when I was little so while I was growing up I would occasionally cycle there with friends.
As we are cycling towards his house.... my uncle drives by me in his car. He looks at me looking very strange like he is about to cry. I was so confused I thought I was imagining things, I thought aybe that's not even him I am just hallucinating. Then a few days later I was cycling elsewhere late at night and I swear to God it was my cousin B cycling towards me and when she saw me from a distance she put on her hoodie and zipped up her jacket up to her nose so that I wouldn't see it was her as she passed by me. I didn't even see her properly just from the corner of my eye but I had a feeling it was her.
A few days after this, my dad I went shopping. As we are sitting in the car I broke down. I started crying. I suddenly remembered that E had been at the coffee shop with her husband while I was working there. So I immediately tell my father what had happened except I didn't tell him what had actually happened, I REMEBERED A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY. I remembered a false memory, that I didn't even recognize E and her husband and that his husband kept making references to the fact that we were related like 'arent you sisters? 'maybe you are cousins'? And I remembered all of this as if I had no idea it was her throughout the whole thing.
Later it occured to me that I had this false memory because I had actually been disassociating throughout this whole thing and trying to pretend she really wasn't my cousin, when her husband asked me if she was my cousin repeatedly I would look at her and wait for HER to say YES but she didn't say anything so eventually I just started saying NO she isn't my cousin. I was trying to block out the whole thing.
Then I told my brother and my om what had happened and they started telling me all the same stories that E's husband had told me at the coffee shop, recalling how my brother would drive their Porsche, the expensive gifts he got from them for Xmas, how E's boyfriend was a maffioso and had stacks of cash and guns in his car, etc. He told me my uncle and my dad had a falling out over the money. When my brother told me all this I still had NO recollection I had ever heard any of this, only later when I went home did I slowly start to remember that E's husband had in fact already told me all of this 5 years ago.
I started remembering on August 29. I came to university on Septeber 1. It took me about a full week of remembering everything that had happened.. AND I REMEMBER ALL OF IT. Every single word of the 1 hour conversation. I can remember EVERYTHING more clearly than I can remember anything else in my life, it is all crystal clear. I spent a whole week lying in bed putting the pieces together and now I know all of it.
So the day I started university on Sept 1st. My dad calls me on the phone in the evening and asks 'haven't you gotten a phone call?' And I say 'umm...no' My dad says 'B just called me' as he is holding back tears. B called my father after not speaking to him for 20 years. Dad says she randomly met B's friend in front of her office and she asked what I was up to, dad told her I was at university in X city (where B also lives) so she was like: OH! I WILL TELL B THEN! My dad didn't understand why the hell she would tell B considering B hasn't seen me in 20 years. B called my dad to tell him she is around if I need anything. As soon as I hung up the phone I friended B on Facebook. I messaged her telling her I hadn't remembered any of this until recently. She told me she is here if I need anything.
I think what prompted B contacting me now is that both my uncle and her saw me just a few weeks ago and with my dad telling her friend I was in the same city as her she had an alibi to contact me.
We haven't spoken since and honestly all of this is so painful for me still that I don't know how I am ever going to face her or have any kind of relationship with them. I don't know her and most of my memories of her are of her ignoring me or that latest horroristic event at the coffee shop. I just have idea how to have any kind of relationship with them after all of this. Even when they were trying to surprise me they unintentionally caused me to have the most traumatic experience of my life which was so horrible I couldn't even recall it ever happened for years.
I am still so overwhelmed by all of this and I just needed to share because nobody understands how I could not remeber this happened. My dad just can't understand why I hadn't told him about any of this, how I can't remember etc. I feel so horrible about all of this I can't believe this happened to me.
I guess I am just looking for moral support. I feel so bad because I know other people have had so much worse things happening to them like rape etc and I feel ridiculous that this happened to me but it did.
Whoever read all of this, you are a champion, dude, thanks. | 2019-10-06T22:12:52.000Z | deab04 | 0 | 2 | ptsd | I have recently realized I have been suffering from dissociative amnesia for the past 5 years. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/deab04/i_have_recently_realized_i_have_been_suffering/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T21:56:28.000Z | dea2uz | 5 | 71 | ptsd | Childhood cartoons | 0.96 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dea2uz/childhood_cartoons/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T21:43:46.000Z | de9wfd | 9 | 20 | ptsd | PTSD triggered from the joker | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de9wfd/ptsd_triggered_from_the_joker/ |
OL_TEAM | Hey, I've been posting on and off here, and sick of you see this, thank you.
After a few talks I've figured out where every little trigger comes from.
It is wonderful being able to suppress the event every time is comes to my head. These past few weeks have been solid. | 2019-10-06T21:03:32.000Z | de9d9e | 1 | 4 | ptsd | I feel free.. | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de9d9e/i_feel_free/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T20:57:03.000Z | de9a26 | 5 | 3 | ptsd | PTSD attack immediately upon waking up every morning | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de9a26/ptsd_attack_immediately_upon_waking_up_every/ |
Lonestar189 | https://youtu.be/wlXkgQ92EU4.
I don’t know about you guys but I would like to share something that has so far helped me tremendously. Recently I’ve started a new volunteer job at a wildlife scantuary. I don’t think I’ve been this happy for years. Symptoms have been decreasing and I almost feel like a new person. I’ve been waiting for a job like this for years and it’s finally happened! Sometimes the thing that makes us happy is “doing what we love. With people we love.” | 2019-10-06T20:53:49.000Z | de98h4 | 0 | 3 | ptsd | Unbelievable how true this actually is | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de98h4/unbelievable_how_true_this_actually_is/ |
johnsladder | I \[M21\] was diagnosed with PTSD last Thursday and want to talk to my wife \[F22\] about it, but I'm not sure how to bring it up. We've both been very open with our mental health in the past but when I suddenly started therapy this past month I think it scared her a little, she knew I'd had some trauma growing up but I was always extremely opposed to ever getting therapy for years, but I gave in because it's getting to the point now where I can barely function and I'm scared it's going to hurt my relationship with the only person in this world I feel safe with.
I can't talk to my abuser parents about my diagnosis and I don't feel comfortable enough talking to any of my friends about it. The only person in this world I want to know is my wife but I'm scared of telling her, of it hurting her, of her viewing me different. I know she'll still love me and that it's my mental illness that is telling me that she'll leave or respond negatively. Growing up my parents would always react so negatively to me wanting therapy, now that I have it I don't know how to breach the subject. I want her support in my treatment and I want her to be involved, but it took so many years of abuse to ever seek help at all - I don't know how I can tell her.
Do I have to tell her everything? About everything I saw and everything that happened? Would it hurt her more for me to leave the details out, and just speak generally about my symptoms? Do I ruin a date night by telling her in public at a restaurant? Do I just spring it on her while we're watching tv or lying in bed?
I'm sorry for ranting, telling anything to anyone about my mental health has been a surefire way of inducing a panic attack lately. Any advice or stories you could offer would help, thank you.
tldr; I don't know how to tell my wife about my PTSD diagnosis. | 2019-10-06T20:38:10.000Z | de90pi | 3 | 5 | ptsd | How do I tell my wife? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de90pi/how_do_i_tell_my_wife/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T18:36:43.000Z | de7ber | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Avoiding EDMR because I’m worried it will make me kill myself [30F] Trigger Warning | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de7ber/avoiding_edmr_because_im_worried_it_will_make_me/ |
kmusk | I was followed home last night, and no that’s not a rarity, and no I shouldn’t be reacting to the extent that I am, but the aggregation of all of these things — of SA that happened because of my ex, of physical assault, of being followed three times now — it’s making me feel broken.
How can I heal when it feels like the universe doesn’t want me to?
How can I ever be happy when things keep happening??
I’m not trying to sound overdramatic and I really do understand that these things happen a lot to women, but I feel so exhausted. I’m so tired of narrow escapes or no escapes at all.
Please help :// | 2019-10-06T18:30:22.000Z | de77y0 | 0 | 2 | ptsd | Things keep happening and I’m struggling to maintain any semblance of spirit | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de77y0/things_keep_happening_and_im_struggling_to/ |
apathetic666johnson | So it’s been quite a while since I’ve been medicated because of financial problems and insurance companies denying mental health claims, but finally I gathered up enough money and forced myself to be as honest as possible with my doctor about how severe my symptoms really are. I finally did it (had an anxiety attack while explaining it but hey at least he knows how bad it is). He decided to prescribe me Klonopin, I’ve only ever had experience with Xanax and while it did relieve my anxiety it didn’t make me function any better, I ended up being kind of an asshole zombie who was just as bad at managing responsibilities. With klonopin i can actually think constructively without intrusive thoughts forcing me to ruminate. So I thought I’d try some exposure therapy, and walk to the corner store by my apartment. It’s about a five minute walk and I see a lot of people doing it every day. No one has ever been robbed or attacked that I know of, yet that’s a large fear that kept me indoors. So I just had this calm confidence to just go do it. I didn’t feel like driving all the way to the grocery store for a bag of coffee, so I got ready and just started walking. The heat of the sun was the only unpleasant part, it’s Texas so it’s only 11 AM and nearly 90°F. I walked by several people and only experienced a sliver of worry compared to how things would have been. I felt myself walking naturally, nothing like my previous stiff robotic self. What I noticed most was the beautiful sounds of the atmosphere around me that previously would have been too overstimulating and cause me to become panicked. Birds were chirping, the echo of cars driving by and then in between the noises was a silence that made me feel the enormous size of the world around me. Before, I would be constricted, everything was too close, no one was around but their eyes would be on me, even if I whispered they could hear me, everything was too loud, I had to escape as quickly as possible. But now I know what peace feels like and I just wanted to give out hope to those struggling and feeling like peace is lost forever, I know its possible for it to come back. Has anyone else had glimpses of peace coming back into your life that have given you hope? | 2019-10-06T17:32:43.000Z | de6dkg | 1 | 7 | ptsd | I walked to a corner store for the first time since moving to this apartment 5 years ago. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de6dkg/i_walked_to_a_corner_store_for_the_first_time/ |
Johnathydongle | Let me preface this by in no way am I self proclaiming that I have ptsd I wouldnt want to claim something that could be untrue because I understand how awful this can make people feel but other wise after my mom divorced my dad when I was 6 I think, my mom remarried to her now husband and he was abusive to me and my brothers ever since they got married until I moved out last year when I turned 18 he would beat us with his hand and a 2x4 paddle he made he ripped me and my brothers hair out before if he was pissed off enough he would whip us bare ass with briar Bush rods as well as mentally abusing us calling us pigs when we would eat something in his presence it didnt matter if it was the first time that we had eaten that day or the third time he would always say we were fat pigs and threaten to beat us within an inch of our lives if we said anything at all he didnt agree with I mean throughout my childhood I was horrified by him he would turn my arm behind my back and shove me against a wall and said he would kill us and my arm and shoulder is in pain alot of the time I think because of that and I was always just horrified by him, I feel terrified right now just typing this out and ever since I've moved out I've noticed that in my adult life it's like he is still there like he's still affecting me I'll have anxiety any time I hear boots on hardwood floor because of him coming home from work being pissed off and me and my brothers trying our best to be quiet and hide from him I cant watch certain movies with my wife or eat certain foods because it remind me of him I cant talk to adult men as an adult man because it takes me right back there in that house I'll be just sitting there and I'll start like daydreaming and I will be right back there idk it's just I'm horrified and I want to know why any advice would be appreciated | 2019-10-06T16:36:20.000Z | de5lkh | 38 | 12 | ptsd | Can someone get ptsd from trauma caused by an abusive parent | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de5lkh/can_someone_get_ptsd_from_trauma_caused_by_an/ |
[deleted] | [removed] | 2019-10-06T16:17:50.000Z | de5cim | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de5cim/help/ |
[deleted] | For me, my birthday exacerbates trauma symptoms dramatically, and I don’t want to waste the opportunity to work on this aspect. I understand it’s just a day in the year, but irrationally my brain believes that day is demonic. Well that time of year is coming up, and i want to know if anyone here actually managed to conquer this stupid issue. I will be seeing my psychologist just after the associated day (also we have bigger fish to fry), so i just wanted perspective from people here, anytype of insight is appreciated.
Oh, side question. Has anyone successfully practiced emdr on themselves? | 2019-10-06T15:54:13.000Z | de512d | 6 | 7 | ptsd | How to overcome trauma associations with big yearly events (birthdays, New years, etc) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de512d/how_to_overcome_trauma_associations_with_big/ |
[deleted] |
A little over a year ago I was in an abusive relationship where I was sexually assaulted multiple times, and once quite violently. I’ve been working to recover for around 6 months now. One of my greatest joys has been film and film critique so I often try to see the newest obscure releases. Last night I went to see a film I did not know contained multiple incredibly graphic rape scenes and ended up having flashbacks as well as a panic attack in the venue before leaving 1/2 way through. I’m now terrified to go to sleep as the similarity of once of the scenes to my own experience has flooded my mind with the memories. I’ve had some herbal tea and watched meditation videos but I can’t get myself to let my guard down and settle. Does anyone know something that might help? And will it get easier? | 2019-10-06T15:52:13.000Z | de507r | 7 | 5 | ptsd | Struggling (TW triggering material) | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de507r/struggling_tw_triggering_material/ |
j7762000 | underneath is a message i sent to a friend anonymously. i no longer can talk to him but he’s dear to me.
—————
so recently i got diagnosed with a mental disorder and i don’t know how to feel. i knew beforehand that i had it but needed it to be a proper diagnosis. i also haven’t been to any of the sessions because my mom thinks that it’s all in my head and i can beat it by myself even though i’ve been struggling for years. my friends are of no help also. one is proud of herself because i listened to her and went to a therapist while the other is away and distant (my fault). there’s also this one friend who told my to “stop overthinking”. with no doubt i would’ve done that if it’s that easy. i feel empty but full of emotions, it’s actually confusing. i know i’m not supposed to depend on others but i need to be heard. and i know that time is supposed to heal, but this isn’t the deal with me.
i’m in no way writing this for you to pity me nor it is a cry for help. i swear i just wanna get it out of my chest. i’m just writing this to someone who would just read and not reply nor bore me with advice. you’ve actually given me so much help in the past, and i’m forever grateful. you might not recall any of this and i don’t expect you to. bye! | 2019-10-06T12:20:40.000Z | de2iay | 0 | 1 | ptsd | a message. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de2iay/a_message/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T12:16:28.000Z | de2grp | 0 | 1 | ptsd | a message to a friend | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de2grp/a_message_to_a_friend/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T08:06:10.000Z | de0ci9 | 8 | 1 | ptsd | How do you cope knowing your abuser(s) are living fulfilling lives? | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/de0ci9/how_do_you_cope_knowing_your_abusers_are_living/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T05:38:34.000Z | ddz6gr | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Tired of Pretending | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddz6gr/tired_of_pretending/ |
darlinng | How does this ever become easier? I feel like im a fight with myself way to often it sucks | 2019-10-06T04:30:31.000Z | ddylj9 | 1 | 6 | ptsd | Struggle | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddylj9/struggle/ |
[deleted] | I work retail in a part of town really infested with chronic vagrants who travel up and down the local coastal urban sprawl.
I started smoking again recently and I've always drawn a hard line about homeless people: do not feed them. I was out there for 5 fucking years, no means no.
A homeless woman asks me for a cigarette, I say no; I cut tobacco from leafs and roll them myself, it's time consuming and I only bring enough with me to get through my shift.
She starts begging me and I just ignore her, she gets an attitude and wanders off bitching. Whatever.
2 hours later I take my first break, not five seconds go by a bum passes asking for a cigarette, keeps walking when I shake my head, and then the same woman comes down the shopping center and asks me if I was the guy who ignored her earlier and she goes and grabs this BIG bald sunburnt dude with like one foot and 150 pounds over me, she's telling him about how I ignored her, *and then they stop 10 feet away from me after passing by me.*
All this in front of the fucking store.
At that point I fucking lost it, I felt extremely threatened, fight or flight kicked in, my manager steps outside for a second for unrelated reasons and I booked it towards her, told her to call the police because I felt threatened and unsafe.
I went inside looking for the store phone, mostly bluffing for time; my manager asks me what's going on and I'm fucking shaking and my heart is jumping out of my throat, I'm gasping for air, vision is starting to tunnel but I get like half of the story out before she goes out there and yells at them to fuck off, I manage to catch my breath and I go back out, manage to convey through panicked gasps and trying not to vibrate into another dimension that I feel threatened, I manage to go over the basics of why I was calling the cops to them, then went back in, grabbed the phone, got in the break room and collapsed in the chair.
I didn't call the cops.
My other manager comes, sits, he doesn't know I have PTSD but he's a good guy, I calm down a little and get the whole story out. He sits with me for a second (I've had panic attacks at work before but I've always tried to keep it contained and pretend I was having a nasty shit in the bathroom) before going back to work; now I'm on break so there's no hassle there. I sit for a few minutes and say fuck it I just had a panic attack, I go back out to smoke and if they're there I'm calling the fucking cops for sure.
They're gone, I have another cigarette. I'm glad I rolled extra today.
I cut my tobacco myself, it takes a lot of time and energy. It's bad enough I have to navigate traffic on a bike, I gotta deal with this shit too. 2 or 3 months ago a homeless person walked through my goddamn store into the back warehouse where I keep my bike and tried walking out with it, I chased him across the parking lot and just when I was starting to relax a little this shit happens.
Only it's not just this shit, it's every creep and weirdo who towels themselves off under the fucking automatic door fan with grocery cart wipes shirtless trying to fucking talk to me, every freak who stands and stares at the glass window where the office is ignoring me telling them to get out, the fucking rigs in the bathrooms, the empty beer cans on shelves.
I tried patience, now I can see that sanctuary districts aren't far off. Whoever the fuck this woman is and whatever fucking compounded traumas and shit led to this encounter, it's getting out of hand. Nobody talks about it when the workers are affected, nobody talks about fixing it, it's all about fucking teachers and shit.
Meanwhile, I'm out here trying to keep the ghosts of every fucking day past at bay and these people are giving me panic attacks, it's bad enough I gotta shit my guts out 3 times in 2 hours every morning from stress.
I'm smoking my medical weed right now but I'm never really over it until I've typed out a long awful diatribe to cope.
I usually delete them but fuck it, I got my diagnosis 2 years ago, I quit psychiatry almost a year ago, I've been getting fucking crazier over the years, I'm about to start looking for support groups. The panic attacks and nihilistic thoughts get worse and worse, I feel like I know the bitter truths of the universe and I start disassociating and shit.
I'm going fucking insane and I gotta deal with crazier people putting their shit on me, I know I should have just shut this lady down but you don't want to get into a situation.
Now I'm paranoid about going to work, these people could get all gacked out and come in and fuckin stab me, I'm moving states soon to be closer to quality care, I don't need this goddamn shit.
I gotta go right back tomorrow, I don't get a day off until wednesday. I gotta have this shit on me too.
I told both my managers today and I intend to tell the remaining two that I personally cannot tolerate any more loitering in the shopping center and that I'm calling the cops next time whether they're bothering anyone or not.
Through all this I learned I'm pro-gun cuz I'd feel a lot fucking safer. I wished I had my dog with me, he doesn't fuck around.
Not that I'd have point it at them, I'd just feel a lot more comfortable in situations like that. I'd know that they can't do jack shit because as soon as they make a move, my hypothetical gun-safety trained self can confidently plant my feet and pop a round in their leg and fuck them for crossing me.
Idk man I ate, I attended my pets, I had a cigarette, I smoked a bowl, I'm trying to watch tv and distract myself and work it out, I gotta leave in the morning and my guts will wake me up at 6.
Idk man I had to put this out somewhere. I figured this may very well be the only place people might read it and understand. I have a buddy with paranoid schizophrenia I've know for a long time, he's a little older but has had similar experiences and types of PTSD triggers and stuff and we talk two or three times a week but he's back in the home state and I'm still out here in hell.
Jesus, I was homeless in san francisco and it was not this bad, like I cannot avoid the dangerous parts here because I work in them and they've only recently gotten this bad. Or I've only recently noticed since I've been going outside more. Btw turns out my neighbors are shit-talking assholes or maybe that's auditory hallucinations+paranoia, idk. That wasn't a fun day. | 2019-10-06T04:30:13.000Z | ddylgf | 1 | 4 | ptsd | I had a real problem today | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddylgf/i_had_a_real_problem_today/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T03:18:10.000Z | ddxv9k | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Hello 👋 ( need advice) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddxv9k/hello_need_advice/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-06T03:06:17.000Z | ddxqqi | 1 | 1 | ptsd | People act like nothing happened, but it’s all I can ever think about. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddxqqi/people_act_like_nothing_happened_but_its_all_i/ |
racingbarakarts | I got diagnosed back in December of 2018. They didn’t tell me when they diagnosed me. They waited until I was checking out to leave the hospital, and as I signed my last paper, the nurse said, “your doctor has diagnosed you with PTSD. Sign here to confirm that I’ve told you this.”
Who does that? Who gives such a blow and expects you to recover well enough to drive yourself home? I didn’t let it hit me until I got home. I sat at the end of my bed and just thought. I thought about everything that led to this. I kept telling myself that I caused this because I wasn’t strong enough to not let things get to me.
I’m still thinking that. I’m still thinking, actually. It still hurts to think about my diagnoses and to remember everything that led up to it. I’ve been diagnosed, but now what? Do I just spend my time thinking? Or am I supposed to do something? | 2019-10-06T02:13:51.000Z | ddx6wo | 7 | 3 | ptsd | You get diagnosed, but what’s next? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddx6wo/you_get_diagnosed_but_whats_next/ |
[deleted] | Hey, guys. I'm Jackson. I'll be 16 soon. I got diagnosed with PTSD and put on meds today. I used to live in a pretty shitty home.
I have really mixed feelings about the diagnosis. I'm glad I can finally get the proper meds and stuff, but most people would laugh if a 16 year old told them that they had PTSD. My own 21 year old brother has been telling me things like "Everybody has a little bit of PTSD, stop using shit as an excuse" when I try to avoid my triggers. He also tried to claim that he himself has it and that my self harm scars trigger it... He refuses to seek professional help if that's the case.
I don't really know where to proceed from here. | 2019-10-05T23:25:07.000Z | ddv5el | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I got diagnosed today. TW: Self harm and ableism | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddv5el/i_got_diagnosed_today_tw_self_harm_and_ableism/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T23:14:31.000Z | ddv0au | 4 | 2 | ptsd | i need some help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddv0au/i_need_some_help/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T22:06:56.000Z | ddu2yw | 1 | 8 | ptsd | 1 year to the day, October 5th. (Trigger warning/venting) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddu2yw/1_year_to_the_day_october_5th_trigger/ |
iliveinstress | i'm just going to get right into it. know that i am looking for a therapist, but as we all know; that can take awhile to find someone that clicks and has a fair price range.
i am pretty sure i suffered a traumatic event that left a mark on me in march. long story short, i had a severe allergic reaction to something that we're not even sure of yet and it has left me feeling terrified and scared. just so you understand why it is so scary; it started on the outside of my throat, and my throat was very itchy and began to swell up, which then led to the rest of my body doing the same. my boyfriend says it wasn't as bad as i think it was and i was never in any danger and they kept me at the hospital (i tried to sleep it off at first, then went to the doctor, it didn't go away. went to the er, it didnt go away. finally had to go to the er one last time) just to make sure i'd be fine and monitor me, but it was so scary to me that just mentioning it here is making me feel on edge, like i'm going to be punished for talking about it to people and there will be consequences.
every itch on my body has a sensation, the same sensation of that day. i force myself not to itch, and grow alarmed and anxious every single time i do itch and my skin gets red. typing all this right now, i am feeling itches and growing nervous about them, especially one on the back of my neck.
this past summer, i did the most stupidest thing i can think of. i smoked weed one night, and it threw me into a never ending loop of panic attacks that sent me to the er, because i couldn't calm down at all. i feel as if that triggered this high alarm rate within me and all these years i spent controlling panic disorder are just gone now because i am constantly panicking. it doesn't help that a few days after smoking weed, i got cellulitis on my chest and had to go to the er for that. a couple months later, and it came back and once more i had to go to the er again.
i feel, so caged. so hopeless. i feel like my life is over. recently i've been laying down to go to bed and suddenly my throat feels weird and i can't tell if something is wrong with me or if it's all in my head. i am so terrified of throat issues and that my throat will just close up because of some unknown reaction and i'll just die right there and i can't do it anymore, ya'll. i don't know how to cope or what to do anymore about my panic. i've always known the answers for things, i help my friends deal with their anxieties and mental health issues, but here i am just off the wire losing it.
​
so please, anyone, if anyone knows advice, or how they cope; or their stories please, tell me. | 2019-10-05T21:56:21.000Z | ddtxfs | 1 | 4 | ptsd | lord help me | 0.84 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddtxfs/lord_help_me/ |
[deleted] | I feel gross every single second of my life I can't look at my body at all I shower in the dark I have anxiety attacks if I take a glimpse of myself I keep on overeating to deal with the trauma I just want to stop feeling so bad every single second. I wasn't even like this before my abusive ex groomed me into doing things with him he abused me and took advantage of me and blamed it all on me said I wanted it but I didn't want it and yet I feel like such a slut I just want it to stop I feel so gross | 2019-10-05T21:52:19.000Z | ddtvbu | 1 | 7 | ptsd | I just want it to stop | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddtvbu/i_just_want_it_to_stop/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T21:23:08.000Z | ddtkkw | 2 | 5 | ptsd | I was sexually assaulted for years | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddtkkw/i_was_sexually_assaulted_for_years/ |
crispyfrybits | I am 33 years old, live with my GF in her parents basement suite on the west coast of Canada. I am a freelance developer who left his main job years ago due to increase in symptoms to work more care free as a freelancer. I have been supporting my GF for years through her chronic illness that we are still trying to get a diagnoses for.
I was diagnosed with early childhood trauma and PTSD about a year and a half ago. I was shocked but after researching it made complete sense. I have been struggling my entire life with the feeling of dread lurking in every thought, getting triggered by random things that I can't identify, completely unable to do anything social, etc. All of these things just got worse and worse until here I am today struggling for my health, my sanity, even to do basic things.
The reason I am reaching out is because my GFs sister and her husband recently moved in to have their baby. They are both 26 years old, my GFs younger sister. They live in India most of the time where her husband is from. Her husband is from a very wealthy family. They moved in to have their baby here so their baby could have dual citizenship (makes sense). I love them both to pieces but they have made this household a living nightmare for me.
My GFs parents are very kind and generous and I could never pay them back for their kindness to let us stay here. They are also very noisy and oblivious to other peoples needs. Especially her father (whom my GF does have some relationship issues with) is narcissistic. Both of her parents carry some resentment towards my GF for her illness because she is not as "easy" to love as their other daughter. The issue isn't their feelings though, I just wanted to try and paint a picture for their demeanour a bit. They are loud at the best of times but have kindly worked with us over the last couple years to help reduce noise to keep us sane. Since her sister moved in it has been a circus.
The issue I have specifically is with the noise. I have known that noise is my biggest trigger for a long time. I grew up in a violent, drunken, noisy house. I would wake up around 10-11pm with the stereo blasting and I would know that something bad is going to happen. I am the oldest of my siblings and I would sneak into their rooms and rush them back into my room while the fighting was going on. It would usually end with police and us getting taken away etc. The older I got I would just recede into video games or a TV show, find some easy method of escape. I am very sensitive to thumping and banging, loud music / tv.
The last month has been so bad I just can't live. I can't do anything. I am so upset I just don't know what to do. We can't move out yet because I don't earn enough monthly to support us. I can't work on my work because I am so stressed beyond belief. I don't even have the energy to clean which is something I both enjoy doing and must do to keep my sanity. I am getting constant headaches, heartburn and acid reflux, and shingles in my leg from the stress. There are no good free mental health options here in Canada. I have tried them and they take a year to get in and once you do you get about 15 minutes with a psychologist who is only interest in giving a random drug to then you are sent away. I want to keep going with my EMDR but it is SO expensive. I love my brother and sister in-laws. I don't have anything against them, same with the parents but I don't know what to do. The parents I can tell are beginning to get annoyed by our request to manage the noise.
What should I do? I have no safe place to go to, no money, no good free options for mental health care. My GF is in a similar vote but for her physical health. I don't know. It might sound trivial but my life is completely at a standstill. I can't even relax, most of my days are just me being paralyzed unable to do anything. | 2019-10-05T20:52:21.000Z | ddt5fb | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Need guidance and advice. Feel like I have no options and no one to turn to. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddt5fb/need_guidance_and_advice_feel_like_i_have_no/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T19:23:08.000Z | ddrx9g | 39 | 129 | ptsd | Does anyone else try to make themselves as unattractive as possible? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddrx9g/does_anyone_else_try_to_make_themselves_as/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T16:30:09.000Z | ddpi4t | 4 | 3 | ptsd | Are there any members on here who had a PTSD diagnosis PRIOR to joining the military? I’m looking at talking to a recruiter but don’t know if this will bar my enlistment. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddpi4t/are_there_any_members_on_here_who_had_a_ptsd/ |
disappointingalpaca | i’ve heard of PTSD dreams and my therapist has always been surprised that i don’t have them, but does that include dreams about getting triggered and not necessarily about the exact event that happened? i’ll frequently have dreams where i’m watching something happen or i’m out of control of the situation and ill see myself have a panic attack, but it’s never the same people that were involved in the traumatizing event. | 2019-10-05T16:05:06.000Z | ddp54n | 1 | 2 | ptsd | PTSD dreams or just stress dreams? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddp54n/ptsd_dreams_or_just_stress_dreams/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T15:09:01.000Z | ddoez1 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Was this actually psychotic? Never thought much about it even while it was happening. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddoez1/was_this_actually_psychotic_never_thought_much/ |
deakers | I was leaving the bank. I didn't recognize him at first. He's grown a bit of a beard, gained some weight, different vehicle, but it was him. He saw me as I got in my car, he was walking into the bank. He stopped and looked at me for a moment. I know he recognized me. I just backed out and drove away.
I couldn't breathe. My ears were refilled with the sounds of all the yelling, the slamming doors, the broken objects. I felt sick to my stomach and was shaking.
I haven't seen or heard from him in almost 2 years. I didn't even think he lived in the area anymore. And now I'm terrified. He knows what my car looks like. He knows I still live in the same area. I'm so afraid that he's going to track me down and follow through on his threat to kill me. He used to talk about how he was friends with all the police, that he practically owned them (he's an ex-firefighter). When I tried to get a PPO, I was told not to even bother because there was only one threat, and there was no proof, so it would likely not be granted.
I know I don't live alone. I know I have a dog that barks. I know my partner has a firearm and knows how to use it well. But what if he hurts my partner? He's at least twice my partner's size.
Everywhere I go, I'm looking around me for that truck I saw him driving. I'm looking behind me, locking the doors when I normally wouldn't.
I haven't had this kind of PTSD episode before. Before I've had nightmares or minor flashbacks, but nothing like this. I feel weak. I feel scared. I can't stop crying. I just want to hide. I don't know what to do. What do I do? | 2019-10-05T13:48:02.000Z | ddngon | 4 | 8 | ptsd | I saw my abuser yesterday | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddngon/i_saw_my_abuser_yesterday/ |
shankd123 | PTSD is a huge reason our society is so fucked up. Including myself. Love everyone who’s suffering. I’m always here. | 2019-10-05T09:01:50.000Z | ddktvk | 13 | 128 | ptsd | 95% don’t understand | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddktvk/95_dont_understand/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-05T06:10:42.000Z | ddjf2n | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Flashback of something that never happened? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddjf2n/flashback_of_something_that_never_happened/ |
[deleted] | I already see a psychiatrist and I know not to get a diagnosis from here but I just want to see if anyone can relate.
Idk how to say this but sometimes I'll be lying on the floor trying to stretch bcuz my body doesn't feel well and then I sorta go thru these emotions that are tough to bear and my consciousness is altered and I feel kinda stuck at the same time. But when it passes after 15 mins or so I feel clearer mentally and less tense. I started a new medication a few months ago that seems to be helping me feel better than I have in a long time. | 2019-10-05T05:22:45.000Z | ddj0pz | 1 | 0 | ptsd | PTSD? | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddj0pz/ptsd/ |
throwaway01837363819 |
Been in therapy for a few years jumping from modality to modality. Ive gotten somewhat better but have been avoiding emotionally talking about my trauma and I think this is now blocking my ability to progress my healing.
I signed but for the MDMA therapy clinical testing previously but got rejected I guess because I’m more on the high functioning side. Really wish it existed right now because that’s exactly what I need to open up. | 2019-10-05T03:30:15.000Z | ddhzcx | 1 | 3 | ptsd | How do I open up and become vulnerable? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddhzcx/how_do_i_open_up_and_become_vulnerable/ |
brandos__ | Ive recently been diagnosed with ptsd, depression and anxiety.
After suffering nightmares, flashbacks, extreme social anxiety, depression and multiple suicide attempts i finally sought help and went to my local doctor and was put on anti-depressants which the doc said would also help with my anxiety.
Ive been on 4 different meds so far and nothing has helped at all.
I still cant go outside without wanting to jump in front of a car.
I cant even leave my room when my family is awake without feeling like they are judging me, its even worse when i actually leave the house and get away from the cars.
Ive seen a psychologist and psychiatrist and they haven't helped.
Has anyone that is going through similar symptoms to me been put on an anti-depressant/anxiety that actually works? | 2019-10-05T00:02:40.000Z | ddft27 | 7 | 1 | ptsd | Meds | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddft27/meds/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T23:49:30.000Z | ddfnld | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I can't even tell what's rational anymore, please read | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddfnld/i_cant_even_tell_whats_rational_anymore_please/ |
odinspeenbone | null | 2019-10-04T21:45:13.000Z | dde25x | 27 | 21 | ptsd | Diagnosed with ptsd, however I'm also experiencing psychosis. Anyone else experience hallucinations from their ptsd? Mine are slightly visual and mostly just voices and noises in my head. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dde25x/diagnosed_with_ptsd_however_im_also_experiencing/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T21:07:05.000Z | dddjzt | 10 | 9 | ptsd | Is this ptsd? | 0.91 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dddjzt/is_this_ptsd/ |
sprinkles523 | Hi,
I am hoping to move to a different job within the next year and I am currently in therapy and taking medication to help with PTSD symptoms.
I was wondering if I need to disclose to my potential future employer my condition? I am worried they may see I take Xanax through a drug test and of course I am prescribed it and take it properly, but not sure if I am comfortable telling them I have PTSD, etc.
Thanks for any feedback :) | 2019-10-04T18:54:23.000Z | ddborw | 3 | 1 | ptsd | Q about medicine showing up on drug test | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddborw/q_about_medicine_showing_up_on_drug_test/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T18:01:45.000Z | ddayqp | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Finding a good psychiatrist?? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddayqp/finding_a_good_psychiatrist/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T17:23:43.000Z | ddagca | 9 | 67 | ptsd | I got into a car accident on Wednesday | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/ddagca/i_got_into_a_car_accident_on_wednesday/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T16:02:53.000Z | dd9cwk | 4 | 8 | ptsd | I used to work for the medical examiners office | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd9cwk/i_used_to_work_for_the_medical_examiners_office/ |
Ihavebeenelucidated | I am currently in a walk in clinic for suicidal desires. | 2019-10-04T14:48:23.000Z | dd8cy2 | 3 | 2 | ptsd | Trying to get help | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd8cy2/trying_to_get_help/ |
remineur | I attended my first EMDR session, I had read that it was very intense therapy, it's true, I'm exhausted.
He started by asking me to think about my trauma, I had trouble putting words on it, saying how I felt, and then it came. Another trauma came out, I asked the psychiatrist if he was ready to hear something really inhuman. He told me that he was a professional and that he would not judge, I started talking about an incestuous relationship with my sister when I was 5 years old. I had trouble putting words in. After each 30-50 seconds of bilateral movement he asked me to breathe and then telling what I felt, towards the end of the session, after about 1 hour, He told me that cognitions had been made when I answered him "I was only a 5-year-old kid, I couldn't be responsible for that". I didn't know that what happened when I was 5 years old was a trauma "No rape etc, my sister was only 6 and as i said, i was 5". He ended up telling me that it is possible that other trauma may come out between two sessions in which case I have to write them down for the next session. He also told me that cognitions will continue after the session.
​
My brain is overloaded, I have the impression that it has an enormous workload, also is that normal that my therapist switch between trauma "at least when i discover one" then come back to the principal one ? i thought that emdr needed to focus on a trauma and once the trauma is "gone" focus on other one ? | 2019-10-04T12:54:34.000Z | dd6z7g | 4 | 9 | ptsd | My first EMDR session | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd6z7g/my_first_emdr_session/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T12:09:35.000Z | dd6hi8 | 2 | 5 | ptsd | i’m isolating myself from everyone who cares about me but i don’t know why | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd6hi8/im_isolating_myself_from_everyone_who_cares_about/ |
throwawayayay8329 | I used to live in the US as a kid. I got deported to Bangladesh and now I still can't adjust to my culture. I've tried so hard to leave this country but I just can't. I want to commit suicide now. I just can't. | 2019-10-04T10:05:51.000Z | dd5baa | 6 | 4 | ptsd | I can't adjust in my country. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd5baa/i_cant_adjust_in_my_country/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T09:16:25.000Z | dd4wik | 6 | 0 | ptsd | Police PTSD | 0.25 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd4wik/police_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T08:26:02.000Z | dd4ii5 | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Unresolved Childhood Trauma | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd4ii5/unresolved_childhood_trauma/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T07:26:44.000Z | dd41y1 | 9 | 8 | ptsd | Ever think about revenge? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd41y1/ever_think_about_revenge/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T04:42:10.000Z | dd2l9n | 0 | 1 | ptsd | I think i may have ptsd but im not sure? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd2l9n/i_think_i_may_have_ptsd_but_im_not_sure/ |
vavuxi | Does anyone else notice that they have developed a physical tick in response to stress or triggering thoughts/activities? | 2019-10-04T04:03:28.000Z | dd27hv | 3 | 3 | ptsd | Physical Ticks? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd27hv/physical_ticks/ |
Starfire911 | Does anyone else flinch at everything? I was trying to take me pulse on my brothers iPhone and I had to put my finger on the camera and the flash at the same time but I couldn’t because I was scared that my brother was going to hit me, and I remember in school one of my friends would pat my head and it would cause me to jump all the time. | 2019-10-04T02:32:39.000Z | dd18zu | 32 | 101 | ptsd | Flinching? | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd18zu/flinching/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-04T00:54:37.000Z | dd04rv | 14 | 5 | ptsd | Please help me, I'm not sure if this is an abusive relationship & I'm spiralling right now. TW spousal abuse? | 0.73 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd04rv/please_help_me_im_not_sure_if_this_is_an_abusive/ |
journey1992 | Anyone’s rumination and intrusive thinking worse on CBD because it causes lack of motivation and discipline?!
I’ve been taking 15 mg full spectrum CBD oil capsules (with low THC) 1-2/day. I’ve noticed it calms my PTSD startle responses in public but it also makes me become more apathetic, unmotivated, and lazier. I notice I have less discipline to practice meditation and stop myself from ruminating and thinking of intrusive thoughts. My mind keeps resisting the CBD calmness and I keep ruminating non stop. This is my second day of migraines and I think it’s because of the nonstop ruminating. I think the CBD is making this worse. I also wonder if my mind is ruminating even more with cbd because it is not used to the calmness and is trying to cause mental distress to go back to that fight or flight State I am used to as a form of self sabotage (I keep thinking about distressing memories). I also notice CBD oil makes it harder for me to process my emotions as it has a numbing effect. Maybe I am taking too much? | 2019-10-04T00:51:56.000Z | dd03kk | 1 | 0 | ptsd | Anyone’s rumination and intrusive thinking worse on CBD because it causes lack of motivation and discipline?! | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dd03kk/anyones_rumination_and_intrusive_thinking_worse/ |
soullessmindwanderer |
*Possible trigger*
It can sneak up on you out of nowhere the exhaustion and the realisation.
The realisation that you have been fighting yourself, your own thoughts.
Fighting a battle that shouldn't have to be fought a battle you didn't choose to fight.
It's not just the images of what happened it's reliving it.
Feeling what happened, your own mind tricking you.
Feeling its real yet knowing its not. Not anymore at least.
No one else understanding your situation because its not even something you even know how to explain. How do you even get someone to understand what you've been through, what you're going through? Waking yourself up screaming in the middle of the night because your partner has tried to hold you in your sleep in attempt to comfort you from a nightmare you were clearly having.
Not even knowing where all of these feelings came from yet also feeling nothing at all.
I am broken. Not any kind of glue in the form of love, friendship or support can glue the pieces back together.
Only I can.
Only time can.
Feeling it all and nothing at all is too overwhelming for anyone to handle, especially with the Stigma. being called a nutter, or some people just not understanding. feeling ashamed and disgusted. You are no longer a person. You're a statistic. You are a mindless, soulless being with no being within. Having to try and carry on with everyday life with a smile. Like nothing is wrong. Like this thing hasn't eaten away at your insides leaving you as a hollow mass of nothing, pulling you into the darkness. You can feel it slowly pulling at your soul like a toy to use you and drain you of all of your being whenever it wants with no notice or care in the world.
I just needed to bleurgghh on some page here on reddit at midnight... Can't sleep as per usual.. An I'm assuming some of you can relate. There's more..but I'm just too drained to keep writing. It was a bad one tonight. | 2019-10-03T23:10:02.000Z | dcyw4u | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Feeling it all and nothing at all NSFW?? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcyw4u/feeling_it_all_and_nothing_at_all_nsfw/ |
MummaGoose | My children are 9 and 11. Both boys. Any parents out there will probably understand that this is a recipe for disaster on holidays. They’ve been trying to say the least. One of my sons has ASD and has a lot of copycat behaviours from our abuser. They are arguing over breakfast (my older son doesn’t understand and gets angry that ASD son can’t make his own - he’s asking me to)
I’ve been having dissociation all morning and I come out to calm the situation down and my ASD son screams just as I’m walking out. I’m a fking wreck and start shaking. Try to move past and can’t. Feel so angry. Next thing I’m bawling my eyes out.
At least my ASD son realised and has empathy at his point. I cry and cry for 15 mins. Ugh | 2019-10-03T23:03:40.000Z | dcyt44 | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Venting. Panic attack. School holidays | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcyt44/venting_panic_attack_school_holidays/ |
andilyne | Does anyone else suffer with survivor’s guilt? It makes my anxiety so much worse because I usually feel useless then I feel guilty that I’m the one who’s still alive from the accident. I’m working on my anxiety and I’m going to therapy but I wanted to know if anyone else who has ptsd also suffers with survivors guilt and what you do to maybe help lessen the guilt. | 2019-10-03T21:03:48.000Z | dcx6fy | 5 | 12 | ptsd | Survivor’s Guilt | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcx6fy/survivors_guilt/ |
llumiina | i was feeling really good today- i exercised & took a shower and i felt really proud of myself. i even went out to the grocery store. but while i was in the parking lot this man cat called me and now i’m back to feeling like shit. i was even wearing the least sexy least attractive outfit possible and i still got fucking cat called. i fucking hate feeling like i’m just some sort of sex object it’s a fucking reminder that people don’t fucking respect me and it just fucking sucks i was doing so fucking good | 2019-10-03T20:33:45.000Z | dcwqjb | 8 | 60 | ptsd | triggered by catcalling | 0.96 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcwqjb/triggered_by_catcalling/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T20:27:55.000Z | dcwngi | 2 | 7 | ptsd | It's been a rough day. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcwngi/its_been_a_rough_day/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T19:14:01.000Z | dcvknz | 3 | 1 | ptsd | What to do when there is no retrospect? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcvknz/what_to_do_when_there_is_no_retrospect/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T18:06:59.000Z | dcunbt | 9 | 5 | ptsd | Any one go to residential or inpatient treatment for their PTSD? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcunbt/any_one_go_to_residential_or_inpatient_treatment/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-10-03T17:13:05.000Z | dctwew | 0 | 0 | ptsd | The Past Won’t Go Away! | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dctwew/the_past_wont_go_away/ |
Nobody_2027 | So I've been struggling a lot lately. And anyways I was telling my boyfriend how I didn't want to be alone. And anyways something else happened where he was kind of mad at me, understandably so. And I overreacted and said something like if he didn't hate me to please come home. I meant it like if he didn't completely hate me, to please still come home to me when he got back for work.
And anyways he is trying to come home early to be with me. We're both still young, I'm 19 and he's 18. So he was talking to his mom asking if she would be okay with him coming home early. He doesn't live with his parents, but he cares about their opinions. So basically she thought that he should, but that he probably shouldn't date me because I would ruin his life, and just make him give up everything for me.
And I already am so scared that I'll ruin his life because I have so many problems, and I'm only in the beginning of healing from them. I want to. It's not going to be easy and I don't know how I'm going to pay for help.
Idk. I just feel so selfish for wanting him to come home and just hold me. Because I'm so scared and so alone. But it's not really fair to him.
Coming home early from work won't be bad for him, he has wanted to since he left because he doesn't like the job.
I'm just afraid that I'll just hurt everyone around me, and I should just break up with him before I have the opportunity to hurt him or be hurt | 2019-10-03T16:49:42.000Z | dctkkb | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Boyfriend is coming home | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dctkkb/boyfriend_is_coming_home/ |
capaldis | Today’s THE day and for the first time in 4 years, I’m not hiding in my room. I’m going to class and tbh it’s not going great. I just want to email my professors and go back home and cry. But I’m so fucking over letting my PTSD wreck my college education.
I skipped so many classes my freshman year because I was too scared to leave my room after getting triggered and wasn’t able to recover. Took a year off and now I’m at a new school to get a degree in photography and follow my passion. Honestly I would’ve stayed in if I could, but midterms are coming up and I need to be in class.
But fuck it is going Very B A D. I can’t take 3 steps outside without something triggering me. The fact that the accident happened at a school event is super duper not helping. It’s like every little thing is setting me off and I’m just so frustrated. And it’s like once one thing triggers me, it will keep getting worse the more it happens until I have a full on flashback and flip. (I’m calling it if/when that happens) If I can make it a few more hours I’m golden but man I don’t know if I can do it.
Am I just being too stubborn? I know a single day won’t wreck everything but I feel like I need to do this for me. Thoughts/tips for not losing it? | 2019-10-03T15:19:37.000Z | dcsce9 | 13 | 61 | ptsd | I’m done letting one stupid event ruin my education. | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcsce9/im_done_letting_one_stupid_event_ruin_my_education/ |
catniq | I went to therapy last year and was slowly able to figure out my triggers. Because work was hectic and I moved cities, I wasn’t able to go to therapy for the past year and now I feel like I have new triggers :( I don’t know what to do. Does this happen to anyone else? Any tips?? | 2019-10-03T13:06:13.000Z | dcqmrw | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Suddenly my triggers changed and Idk what to do | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/dcqmrw/suddenly_my_triggers_changed_and_idk_what_to_do/ |