Datasets:

Kanakmi

/

mental-disorders

like 9

Today felt really good! I went to work and the place was empty (yay!!) I sketched something (which is a huge win!!) I planned my covid shot which was scary but at least I'm gonna be vaccinated soon! I downloaded a but ton of new songs to listen to so I have something to distract me from my anxiety, I left work with no problems and relaxed by watching some animations (I watched bad batch and now I'm watching Infinity Train for the first time and WOW). Also I'm getting a huge pay check at the end of this month so that's exciting!! Also, I wore a shirt that I was too scared to wair today and I felt great the whole day. :) So yea, sorry if this doesn't fit here but this feels really... REALLY good (also I don't have any friends to talk to about this stuff, I'm just kinda alone I guess). I haven't been like this in months. However, today was progress. I usually lay in bed and just sink into deppression thinking about... "very bad stuff". Today, was not a usual day. Today, felt AMAZING. Idk what the frick caused this to happen, but I'm not complaining and I hope it happens again!

Hey, so basically I’m about to go back to my hometown after university. I began to flourish and really start doing well in university, so I was quite happy to interact with others because I was proud to express myself while I was doing so much better than I had been doing in the past. But since the coronavirus pandemic I’ve developed serious anxiety, related to panic attacks. So now I’ve developed an aversion to being around other people, especially those who knew me before, since I don’t think I can properly explain what’s happened to me. This means that whereas before in uni I was really looking forward to meeting friends, now I’m terrified of it. I’ve been ruminating daily, having conversations with myself about trying to explain myself to people in the future for around 8 months, and at this point I’m terrified of seeing people I know. I haven’t really seen or talked to any of them in over a year, which isn’t unusual since none of us communicate on social media. During that time I’ve been mostly alone. Anybody got any advice on what to do? I seriously don’t think I’m going to be able to be around others, let alone explain my situation.

I am former IT guy. I am used to getting $60k a year. However I am burned out, depressed and its because this job is highly unfulfilling to me. I want to do some helping profession. Tomorrow I go to a job interview for a "Peer consultant" - position where I would be helping others with mental ilnesses during group therapies etc. I just googled the wage of the position and its $5k a year. You are not mistaken. 5k a year. Isn't this ridiculus? Just commuting to the job will cost me more! And I am not speaking of paying rent etc. I will still go to the interview tomorrow but surely not take it. I am better of doing IT work 2 days a week and for rest of the week volunteering in psychiatric hospital. I am just super pissed off.

I have been doing so well. For 2.5 years I was alcohol and drug free. This weekend I decided to drink, I thought it would be okay this time. I wanted a bit of space from my brain and I thought it would be okay. I fucked up, I blacked out. I don't remember anything. I behaved like an insane person. I wouldn't go home. I was hypersexual with a friend, to the point of sexual assault. I kept touching them when they asked me to stop. I made them cry. I don't remember a lot, but I remember that. I don't know how to get over this. I want to die, more than I have wanted to in years. I spent the whole of yesterday looking at locations in my flat I could hang myself. I really hurt someone I really care about. I have apologised, but that doesn't mean anything. I don't know why I drank, I know I can't. I am away from family and support systems. I just want to be normal, I want to be able to drink I want to not have bipolar. This was my fresh start, and I've fucked that. I think hypersexuality is the worst symptom. It's embarrassing. It's made me behave awfully. Please don't think I'm using it as an excuse, I am not. I made those actions. Not my illness

Starting in the fall of 2020, my anxiety got uncontrollable. I was at a breaking point and sought out help. I found a free clinic, they prescribed meds and online therapy. The clinic did not work out and they didn’t listen to me well, I was given alot of homework sheets to fill out during the day rather than someone who could guide me through my past and help with some issues. I started to feel better once I got back in control of the situation and left that practice 2021, summer?. As I felt better mentally, I noticed a huge change in my appetite. I began to eat alot less and lost more weight than I should have. I felt terrible and had some digestive issues so I found a new doctor. She was very concerned and wanted me to make myself eat, and I have been. I am still doing better with my anxiety and currently doing better eating, but I am thinking about it all alot more often now. I have trouble remembering exactly how I felt... but I miss it. I feel like I want to stop eating again before and after every meal. Sometimes I regret every bite as I’m eating. If my anxiety is worse for a day or two, I want to hold on to it, like I don’t want it to go away. Is this normal? The desire to go back to it? I guilt myself into thinking I made it all up when I miss it, but I know I didn’t. The bad anxiety made me barely function, and was miserable everyday. The eating issue caused health problems, but only made me upset when others said something. Has anyone experienced this?

Why do people with borderline personality disorder cut others off?

I was told by a doctor that social isolation can exacerbate psychotic symptoms in schizophrenics. Just wondering if this has been the case for anyone here.

I hear a lot about the "borderline male" type that should be avoided, horror stories about those relationships, etc. They frequently bring up the generic issues , along with things like a borderline's lack of capacity for empathy, and even go so far as to shame this with statements such as "poor baby," or other sorts. I dont want to feel like I'm being sensitive; while yes, these are definitely toxic traits, I think it ignores the fact that this is not something that borderlines are intentionally doing. It seems to brand them as both malicious and defective. I can admit to several such behaviors, unfortunately, and while it isnt in any way an excuse, this is not something that I set my mind out to do. I don't wake up in the morning planning on being a shitty person, and statements like that devalue the struggle that borderlines go through constantly. We aren't malicious. We're scared. Of everything. Honestly, looking back at this, I'm just triggered. I get where they're coming from but it grinds my fucking gears. I can't speak for everyone, but I've had more than my fair share of childish outbursts, so the infantile nature in which borderlines are perceived really gets to me.

As simple as complicated as that. I'm just scared don't know why from what or why... I'll just spend the next 2 hours or so, crying with heart that's beating faster than normal, contemplating for why I'm scared... Oh well, at least it's nighttime, I'll get tired eventually and go to sleep...

When I tell someone I have anxiety, the go to question is always "well, what are you so anxious about?" And it doesn't always work like that. My boyfriend is starting to think it is his fault and I tried explaining last night that my anxiety has nothing to do with him. It's worth noting that I am currently switching from one med to a different one, as one was not quite working for me and my anxiety has been overwhelming lately. How can I explain to him that me having anxiety is not his or anyone's fault?

My mother (64) is having her second bout of psychosis in two years. She was successfully handling her bipolar 1 disorder for 35 years on lithium but had to get off of it for health issues 4 years ago. In the past three or four years she has tried a cocktail of everything and has mostly been depressed with short periods of time with hypomania or normal-ness. Below is a list of what she has tried: Lamictal (rash developed) Ambilify Prozac Wellbutrin Seroquel Zyprexa Latuda Zoloft (She has treatment resistant bipolar obviously—when she is more normal we hope that she will sign off on trying transcranial magnetic stimulation at a facility a few hours south.) Here’s my question: When she was admitted this afternoon the doctors gave her Ativan. Now she is still delusional but finally at ease and talkative, smiling and even gave my dad a kiss. She’s joking and talking about dying her hair and getting a job, for the first time in months if not years, her eyes are her eyes and she’s not plagued with paranoia and sadness. She is self aware, and has been honestly, that she is sick and having delusions but still is adamant that her delusions are factual. Does anyone have a similar experience with Ativan? Is it a drug that can be prescribed long term to treat and manage bipolar with another medicine maybe? What’s in Ativan that is helping her so much? And is there another drug that closely resembles the chemical make up of Ativan that can be used to help her bipolar?

And I just keep wondering why I spend most of my time around a guy who won't treat his depression, who I can barely talk to about anything real without triggering a 3 day depressive slump. Like sure my ex was a gaslighter with anger issues but he's doing better now, he also actually enjoys the same books as me instead of stubbornly insisting that they're boring and full of nothing but tropes.

I just shut up, get on with it, but still struggle in excruciating emotional pain. So, I involuntarily snap. Then it’s all “weirdo” “freak” “you’re insane”, and then the CLASSIC “Get help”. Get help. Fucking get help. Okay so I’ll get help. Oh wait, literally nothing changes because you’ll be told to either wait it out or “talk to someone”. Fucking talk to someone??? Honest to god I can’t wait until I’m a corpse rotting in the ground so hopefully I can be a martyr to this bullshit. You’re told to open up. Then you open up and you’re a freak and need to get help. And you try and get help but nothing happens so you keep it inside. And there we have it. My life.

I'm 22, I'm dealing with mental illness for 2 years now and I can't imagine repeating this experience 30 more times. I want to kill myself but I'm afraid I might survive the attempt, I feel trapped to this horrible existence... This world is full of so much suffering, I wish I was never born and never got to visit this horrible universe.

As the title says, i don‘t do anything in my home. I don‘t put the laundry away, i don‘t care about the dishes, i don‘t clean etc. My partner is getting fed up with this situation as he works a full time job and i sit at home all day. I totally understand him. He normally is understanding with my mental health and he tries to help me but i think he will soon leave me as i am not capable of getting my life together. How do you keep your home clean or at least not messy as hell?

Hey everyone, I just got my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I have been on an antipsychotic for a few months after a couple of psychotic episodes. My psychiatrist just diagnosed me and switched my medication to Invega and seemed to have the hope that this would help my (what I am finding out to be unstable moods) mixed episode. After being on the first antipsychotic and taking it for a while I have gained a lot of clarity and realize I have been unwell for many years-moreso with the bipolar side. Times where I thought I was feeling like my true self and feeling good, in retrospect, were actually manic episodes. So I have been feeling a bit detached from myself and knowing who I really am when not depressed or manic. I am 33 now and believe I have been undiagnosed since my teen years. Did anyone deal with this when they found out their diagnosis? Also, will I always have periods of depression and mania or is medicine supposed to make that stop? Just hoping for some hope here lol.

I’m always so concerned about the future and some things from the past that idk how to just be in the present

My therapist can help with techniques like cbt and whatever, but when she gives me suicide hotlines, domestic abuse hotlines to call when I'm alone or scared it makes me feel even sadder. If I had someone on a personal level to talk to, to keep me grounded..... just to help me with things occasionally I wouldn't feel like I'm dying every second of every day. It is killing me having no one there for me, not really. When and if I reach out to others, whether that be in a romantic sense, or friendship wise, they rarely entertain the conversation and even then it ends as quickly as it started. I hate it so much. Most of the time when the anxiety spikes, when the loneliness digs its claws into me and I reach out I don't really even get a response. A seen, or a like for my message if I'm lucky. I just want someone to be there for me like I am for them, I just want someone to genuinely value me as a person. For us to be a team. But nobody wants me, and I'm left bitter, suffocating and tired. You ever see those people, those lucky people who have others swarm around them? Who have loved ones that genuinely love them? What a feeling that must be. I know if I had that, I'd be able to handle my anxiety a little better. When I'm afforded scraps of it, I feel so alive.

It’s not funny and it isn’t something anyone wants to have. I genuinely wish I was a ‘normal’ person. People think it’s trendy and quirky to have a mental illness like bpd and it’s just not it. This is why no one takes us serious. People are dying from the disorder and here we have people saying weird stuff just to look cool. BPD isn’t a personality trait.

Accidentally googled something I wasn't suppose too and saw the results. Now my brain thinks I have that illness

Attached below is todays video link to my “On Conquering Schizophrenia” YouTube channel. Today entails a global personal belief of my heart! Like all, todays video is ever brief and can be viewed amid poetic prose! https://youtu.be/8TZQpHV1b-E

Hygeine is hard for me. I like to wash my hands though. I struggle with getting dressed. I'll wear and sleep in the same clothes for days. I dont understand why I struggle with that. I forget to shower and then I get upset when I'm reminded. I like to sit in the shower as well. It feels less overwhelming. I like to have baths sometimes. But sometimes I stay in too long. I dont know why but I sometimes have a hard time with getting up. I like to lie down a lot. Sometimes I lie down and want to get up. But getting up stresses me out and lying there stresses me out. It makes taking care of myself hard. I struggle with incontinence sometimes. My support team knows about that. That also makes it hard to manage my hygeine. I spent some time away from home at a program for adults with disabilities and mental illness. It was good except I felt like I needed extra support. I had more one on one help with certain things. I got help with showering, getting dressed, and some personal things. I feel like if I could take care of myself better I would have more privacy.

I have really terrible PTSD and it's gotten worse over the holidays. I constantly have thoughts about killing people even though I don't want to.My mom is very draining and always asking for favors that she can do herself. My mom expects me to do everything when it comes to taking care of my grandma. I want to start my career and live my life but I can't because I'm stuck taking care of my grandma. I'm afraid that I'll hurt myself or someone else because of my mental state. I studied business management and my mom keeps discouraging me from getting well jobs that I qualify for. She keeps saying I'm not ready. I think my mom is trying to hold me back in life.My mom told me to get over it but I can't. I constantly thinking about ending my life.

I (the one with bpd) dating someone for two years. She got busy and I got sick. There wasn’t any problems with the relationship and it was very serious, almost got an apartment together (had to back out bc landlord was a dick about my dog saying she’d kill someone). She eventually stopped really responding to text and I was too sick to leave my bed so we “drifted apart”. Until she eventually dumped me. She claims she still loves me and I definitely love her, but she says we are two very different people now. She’s moving across the county to live with someone else and I’m stuck hating my life. I miss her so much and I can’t stop flipping out, like wondering why she abandoned me. I regret trusting that she would tell me if something was wrong or the relationship wasn’t working, bc I feel like she didn’t, and instead just abandoned me. I’m having a really really hard time coping. She dumped me in December and I was doing alright, but saw her this week and helped her out with a few things. Now I just don’t trust people and want nothing to do with anyone. I still desperately love her even if I’ve realized it was always me trying and giving it my all and she kind of didn’t, at least towards the last four months. I can’t stop crying all day, I’m up all night crying. My life sucks and is hard rn for other reasons as well. I just want to move on and don’t know how. I know I’m in an unhealthy bad spot rn but I don’t know how to change. I don’t want to date anyone anymore, which is fine by me. I just am so depressed and miss her a lot and can’t get over her leaving me like that. Please help

I've never gotten along with my abusive brother. Even when I'm splitting and idealizing him, I still hate him, just not as much. At best, it's neutral. For a while, the only way we communicated was yelling. I don't know what the hell is wrong with him, if he has the same fucking curse that we do, but his temper is ridiculous. After dealing with this shit for years, I realized something- the silent treatment is the only way to avoid conflict with him. Once you open your mouth and say something, he says something twice as loud, cunty and vindictive back. The more you talk, the crazier the two of you get until he's throwing fists and hyperventilating and you're trying to hide behind the door with holes in it. Once I figured this out, I thought I was fucking set. I thought I finally solved the problem of our relationship or, at the very least, put a decent band-aid on it. It was almost surreal to be interacting with him all those months and not be slitting my wrists because I don't know what else to do with the rage of having to deal with more of his shit and not being able to take it anymore. We were on good terms, even. Sure, it was stilted and horribly awkward, but we weren't at each other's throats. But no. These past few weeks, I've been slowly getting angry and angrier. I'm trying so fucking hard to keep composure, but I can't. The slightest thing and I fly off the handle again. I can't fucking help it. Even after all these months, I didn't solve anything. I put on a band-aid and the band-aid fucking fell off. I've blown up five times now and this month is barely half-way over. I can't fucking take it. I hate him so fucking much right now. I hate myself. I hate everything.

I’ve m(28) had pretty ruthless anxiety for most of my adult life, and finally started therapy and meds about two years ago while going through divorce. My ex was a cheater, constantly told me I would never find better than her, constantly threaten breaking up with me if things didn’t go her way, and had fully made me believe that that was all I was worth. a After months of therapy and realizing I wasn’t really in love with my ex, I started dating again and met my current gf(27) who I think i am meant for. She lives with her folks, and I happened to find a job in my degree field while the job market here was pretty poor during covid. So I moved about an hour and a half away from home to live closer to her and her kids,all while starting a new chapter in my professional life. I Spend a lot of time with gf and her kids, and her folks who they live with. We get along fine, but her awfully abusive mentally and controlling. Fast forward a few months to now, I’m dealing with my mental health pretty well, and am about two weeks away from starting another, better job opportunity, and I’m looking at buying a house for myself. I’m tired of paying as much as I do for a nice apartment, and could save as much as 40% of what I pay in rent now if I were to get a home. I can feel my anxiety creeping up more, which bothers me because I’m anxious about things that should be setting me up to be in a better position in life. To add fuel to an already lit fire, when the gfs dad is upset about something not going his way, he tends to forbid me from seeing her and the kids. This triggers something in me, and I don’t want to call it ptsd because that would be insulting to those with ptsd, that puts me back into the same feeling I had before. So the biggest issue I’m having now is with sleeping. Between the house buying process, a new job in two weeks, and this weird fear of being broken up with even though I know I’m overthinking it, I maybe get one good night of sleep a week. What do you all do to help fall asleep during anxiety attacks. Btw, thanks for letting me vent. In my head this post was 20 words tops before I actually started typing it laying here in bed, trying to figure out how to fall asleep.

I know it sounds silly, and I think I know the answer, but I wanted to ask anyways. Idk, maybe someone found something that works. If I could just manage to be happy for a few hours at a time I could really improve my situation. I’d be able to do all my school work, I could keep in contact with friends, I could exercise and lose weight. All things that I want to do but can’t summon the energy or motivation for. Do they sell such things as dopamine shots or something? Stuff that will give you what you need for just a little while before it fades away? Maybe I’m just sitting here describing drugs or something, I dunno. I’m just tired of being so friggin tired and scatterbrained all the time. I know the only way to improve things is to put in the effort, but it’s so hard to do when the loneliness and sadness sits on you and refuses the budge.

Okay I’ll admit it [20M] I can’t pretend to act like I don’t have sad thoughts and that everyday is a waking struggle to get up and do my daily activities. I try to act like mental illness is for little babies with everyone that I interact with and try to force myself to think that anyone that has depression is just for attention . But I can’t anymore, it’s a struggle socializing with people I have no energy. I’m sitting in a parking lot crying because no one cares or loves me. I try to play this big fuck boy energy who doesn’t give a fuck about anyones feelings but it’s not true. I do care I hate when people struggle and I love helping others even when it doesn’t benefit me. I don’t know why I care so much about what other people have to say so much and I change my thoughts just to benefit them. I feel like I can’t even speak or think for myself anymore cause I have no self worth. No one loves me or cares about me and I hate my life for it’s I just want to move away to a different country and start a a whole new life and not worry about anyone from here. I hate that this is what I’ve become and life just sucks and I don’t know what to do. I try to let being on a sports team distract me from all this but it just doesn’t it gets so hard having to interact with teammates and force yourself to talk to them when you just wanna be alone curled up in a ball somewhere. I don’t know what to fucking do anymore

Because for years I've had extremely strong BPD symptoms that would only affect me, I thought I was just depressed. I dismissed my irregularities in relationships with other people because I thought that's a symptom of depression, but those were never "one-off", they would be repetitive. It was only when I started realising that these outbursts, paranoia, fear of abandonment, and the feeling of "not being good enough" are out of control and as much as I feel overwhelming shame, I can't stop these episodes from happening again and again and again. It was happening to me for two years from 14-16, and then when I was 17 I became really good friends with someone in my school and shared these feelings and experiences, that he said I might have BPD, just like he does. I started looking into it and I was terrified to discover that I related to absolutely everything. I then read about real life cases with BPD and I felt like mine wasn't as bad as others, so it might just be my shitty self and not really a disorder of any kind. Occasionally for a couple of weeks or months I would feel fine and I would judge myself for ever thinking I had a disorder and I was just blaming it on puberty and hormones and the need to "feel special" and would ultimately think I'm find and even if there was something, I grew out of it. After a "happy period" passed, these occurrences continued and kept getting worse progressively to this day. I am now 23, and I have a boyfriend whom I love to death, and our first 6 months were perfect, not a single argument, not a single outburst, not a single time where I would hide myself in a closet and punch myself wanting to disappear at least to an extent. Then it came back around 2 months ago. I started feeling like this is too good to be true and finding every small detail as a signal that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. A scoff, an eye roll, an insignificant phrase that was worded in a way that my brain would interpret as him being done with me and wanting rid of me. He continuously does absolutely everything he can to show me how much he loves me (he doesn't know about any of these symptoms because I thought they were over and I never mentioned it) and now I'm scared to share it with him because I'm scared that I might not be fixable. I have never been diagnosed because I felt like once I found out about BPD before going to an assessment, they would just think that I'm making up these symptoms just to get the diagnosis. This entire time I felt like calling someone and saying "I think I have BPD and I would rather be dead" but the one and only time I called, they asked whether I've been diagnosed, I said no but it fits everything perfectly, they dismissed it by saying "We don't support self-diagnosis and we only work with diagnosed patients". I never tried again because I just feel like me already thinking I have BPD would make them think I'm lying for the wrong reasons and just wasting their time. Is there even a point wanting to get diagnosed after finding out what BPD is, or is all that void now that I know and I'm biased? Sorry for the blanket of text

Hi everyone! Single 30yr old mom of three beautiful baby girls. Been feeling a little depressed these last few days. Well months I should say. Hopefully this community helps a bit! 🤗 How do you deal with depression?

Hi, I had a huge down today (could have started crying out of nowhere) and I had "stupid thoughts". I am aware that I have to look for / find a therapist as soon as possible, but I am also afraid of having to tell everything that happened to me in my youth (16 years ago). I'm afraid that I won't be able to pronounce it in front of a stranger because of trust problems. I just find it extremely difficult to talk about my problems, so I prefer to help others with their problems so I don't have to tackle mine, but now I think it's inevitable. Did someone have that too?

Throughout the past few months I have had a few panic attacks and breakdowns over philosophical questions like what the point of anything is, if anything’s real, if there’s a god or not, if I’m damned to hell, etc. it was so bad I could even classify it as a psychotic episode. This past week I’ve been doing really well but I ended up reading this [article](https://vocal.media/futurism/humans-are-parasites) (don’t read if you’re sensitive to these topics) and it sent me spiraling back into the thoughts. I guess all I want is for someone to comfort me or to give me their view on this because I don’t know how the fuck to feel about this. Help

I went to a voluntary treatment centre for 6 weeks. By the 6th week, the last three days were spent with me harming myself pretty violently. The doctor put a form on me and I was sent to a hospital. The hospital is supposed to be a place specifically for mental health but they kicked me out because I kept hurting myself. I go there for outpatient services but now I don’t even want to see anyone for anything anymore. Every time I ask for help, it ends badly. It feels like no wants to help, that my label is too much for them to help. I feel neglected. I know the self harm got bad when I was leaving the treatment centre because I was feeling the sense of abandonment. I wouldn’t have know that if I talked to a therapist I met at a separate centre. I feel so stupid for asking for help. I’ve spent the last 3 days in between hospitals. My mom picked me up. I love her. I wish I could kill myself, but I can’t because of her. I hope one day I die, no fault of my own.

Because i'm too overthinking now i cant do anything .i always afraid to be a failure. what if i do this things and they don't like it.?what if i make the things worst? i'm afraid to make my own decision because i always think that it will not end up good. i'm afraid to step forward. i'm afraid to approach other because i know that they will just ignore me and make them angry. i always think that i'm not wort it .i always think that all the things i do is not right.

I think after Christmas I'm gonna make plans to not be here. I genuinely believe I was a mistake and that some people are just here in this world to get shat on and for things to be 10x difficult for them. I am one of those people. I'm undiagnosed with something. Docs thought it was autism but they're not sure since I keep having breakdowns and episodes and becoming manic. I'm on quetiapine (aka Seroquel) and it just makes me tired. The NHS literally doesn't give a fuck about mentally ill people. I'm just fed up being a prisoner of my mind unable to communicate how I feel properly. I'm fed up doing bad things due to being manic as a result of traumatic experiences. Fed up with people getting angry or frustrated with me because they don't understand how my brain works and how when I try to explain I don't do it very well so they get more frustrated with me. I'm fed up feeling like I'm bad or a nuisance. So I'm done. I don't see myself having a future. I can't take care of myself due to my poor mental health so I've no fighting chance at a good life. Expect a dead body in the river Clyde in 2023

These past 6 weeks my anxiety is very bad and these past few days i feel like i have memory loss, it’s something rare for me because i’ve always had good memory, so is it normal that due to anxiety I am getting memory loss and forgetting things very quickly? Has anybody been through this?

My plan was just to relax this weekend. Forget about the serious issues and just spend time with my family. Embrace what i still have before it's gone after losing everything else. But obviously that's impossible. I can feel every hole in my teeth, every throb in my legs, every movement in my head. I can't ever just switch off or relax when I need to, and when I can't proactively fix what needs fixing because everything is closed for the bank holiday. I just really really need a hug and a cry. And someone to tell me its going to be okay.

I don’t normally post stuff on here and I just sit back and read people’s stories about anxiety and stuff but right now I’m very scared and I don’t know what to do. First of all I hadn’t struggled with anxiety for YEARS before just recently and now it’s come back and it’s on and off... I mainly worry about health related things which is dumb because I’ve been and athlete and I’ve been fit all my life so why would I need to worry about anything health related?? Exaclty, I don’t know!! I recently injured my back from squatting at the gym and it’s been hurting for the past 3-4 weeks, got it checked up on by my uncle who’s a chiropractor and he thinks I have piriformis syndrome... anyways I’ve been dealing with that on top of my anxiety. Then when things couldnt get worse, my bottom wisdom teeth are now starting to hurt and they’ve been aching for a couple of days now. So now I’ve got my back, my anxiety, and now my wisdom teeth to worry about. Then when things just couldn’t get even worse right???? I lost my sense of taste and smell and now I think I have covid...... ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT. I just don’t know what to do, I feel hopeless... I feel like my body is gonna fail me because of all the things I’m having to deal with right now. I don’t wanna die. I feel like my immune system is weaker because of the recent anxiety attacks I’ve been having and I’ve just lost all hope... I probably have covid and probably won’t survive because of the stress and anxiety I’ve been having recently. That’s what my mind Keeps telling me. Anyways I would just like have some peace of mind and I’m struggling.

Hey all, just wanted to get this off of my chest. I have BPD and my current biggest issue is getting really attached to people romantically and then getting that dead, empty feeling shortly after we start dating. I've never been in a relationship that has lasted longer than a few months for this reason, and I'm scared I'll never get better at dealing with my anxious and avoidant attachment and having a stable romantic relationship It feels so frustrating to see other people just seemingly fall into happy relationships, whereas I just struggle. Anyway I'm glad to be here, even though it hurts because reading everyone's stories reminds me that I'm not alone.

I am heading to my therapist soon but I am scared as I have actually started forming a plan even to Goin to Amazon to find the different materials. If I tell her she will put me in a hospital and I will lose my job. My friends are there bit not my family. I feel so alone. This overwhelming pain is like a knife stabbing in my chest.

I’m so tired of trying. How do I make it better?

Whenever I’m (23m) with my girlfriend (20f) I get a lump in my throat, loss of appetite, and nauseous. If we’re doing activities like skateboarding or start gazing I feel fine, only in moments where we aren’t doing anything or if I’m about to call her do these feelings start to flare up. Does any one have any coping mechanisms to help come down from this/ center themselves?

I’ve felt pretty balanced on my current combo of meds until recently. The last few weeks I’ve felt like something is off. I’ve started noticing symptoms resurfacing and think I might need to adjust my meds. I made an appt with my psychiatrist, but I’m curious if anyone else experiences specific signs that are an indication your medicine isn’t working any more?

I hate even asking... I’ve come SO FAR with my anxiety and panic attacks (shout out to the books by Claire Weekes and the Dare app) but the last component of my health anxiety/panic disorder is the slight feeling of being constantly short of breath. The air in my house is dry and I notice it really bothers me so I’m married to my humidifier. If I could be sure it’s anxiety, I know I could work on beating it. But I keep having doubts. 2 years ago when this first started I saw a heart dr and a lung dr and both said I was ok. But is asthma hard to diagnose? Do others here get short of breathe doing nothing, feel chest heaviness etc? It keeps triggering panic attacks and then I’m convinced it’s an asthma attack. If I take an Ativan, it takes about 40 minutes to kick in and then I’m ok. Would an asthma attack go away on its own?

I recently changed jobs and I usually find that work is good for me and helps me. But at my new job i’ve recently been getting bullied by mainly one of my coworkers. I’m obviously really sensitive and this has caused me to have a minor breakdown and I’ve been having multiple panic attacks on the days i work with her and had to take more anti anxiety medication than i ever had. I spend my breaks in my car crying and i’m a disaster. I feel so stupid being upset about this because i’ve tried so hard to work well with this woman and be kind and work with what therapy has taught me. At this point i feel frustrated that she just keeps bullying me. i feel like if i had other people in my life who liked me i’d be able to brush this off better but i don’t have anyone so it feels like all the therapy has been for nothing since i’ve worked so hard and she still hates me so much to bully me and mock me. I feel so at a loss now that no one will ever like me and it’s just pointless i’m just so tired and i don’t want the be bullied and called disgusting it doesn’t feel worth it

I always have that feeling a lot, it comes and goes and it just makes me feel even more anxious because it makes me think something is wrong with me, and I need to calm down but I can’t. What can I do to help stop this?

During my therapy when I was around 16, I was warned to not have any vices in the future if my depression would not go away. After ten years, I gradually began drinking to feel physically, emotionally, and mentally heavier and eventually drowned myself to sleep. I just started drinking last year when I could not afford to go to therapy and get the medications. I hide this from everyone because I'm embarrassed that they'll judge me. Because those people who know me well know that I totally do not drink because of my beliefs. I know this is my choice, but it's the easiest way to be numb and forgetful about everything for a moment until I fall asleep, so that I cannot overthink it until dawn. And I'm honestly afraid.

He’s been amazing. Perfect, actually. But my disorder just causes so much shit between us. He hosted a party Friday night and I ruined it, I was the only person who had no fun and I cried. I cry every time I drink. I just can’t handle anything when I’m drunk. I know I shouldn’t drink... just the last few days I’ve felt him slipping away from me. His messages seem very dry & I was going to go spend the day with him yesterday and got the feeling he didn’t want me to, so I didn’t... he said he was tired and wouldn’t have much time... maybe I’m just reading into it too much but I’m terrified he’s actually going to leave me this time... and I can’t really blame him.

Every since seeing a therapist and learning I have BPD, I feel like my entire life has been in a slow downward decline that is getting exponentially faster in the last few months. Nothing has changed in my life but I feel less and less capable of emotionally handling anything, things that used to cause me nothing now cause me to immediately go into total mental break down crisis. I have become physically violent, lashing out and destroying objects around me, and now my thoughts and feelings are starting to turn inwards towards self-harm. I don't know why I feel this way or how to stop or control it, I don't want to be this hideous horrible fucking piece of shit garbage trash toxic worthless piece of shit I deserve death. I should die. I am worthless shit. I can't not think and feel this way and its so much stronger than I am and therapists costs hundreds of dollars that I don't have and I am in danger, I live with a dangerous psychopath who could kill me at any moment and that person is me and I can't do anything. I am losing my mind. Why doesn't anyone care about me, why am I s fucking worthless, why can't I be saved, why do I have to be this way, what did I do to deserve this, why why why

My heart is beating so fast, I’m sweating, my ears feel hot, I can’t breathe. I don’t like this class, the teacher always puts me on the spot. I hate this feeling. I’ve been getting a lot of anxiety recently. What should I do?

Since I was a little kid I always felt like I wasn't the only one in my mind, I wasn't the only one doing the things I did, the only one that had went through the trauma and abuse I did. It is really weird to me, I know I have chronic depression which I have been diagnosed same with my ADD but I just don't feel right, I can't sleep at night because it always feels like the thing that's in my mind is trying to fix it self. I have three completely different mindsets and it just makes me seem like I'm loosing it. I have myself where I am just dealing with life but always stressed out and feel super depressed but I want to please everyone around me and not be judged anymore. The other part is just anger and hatred, I can't really describe usally parts of it shows when I'm at my breaking point, I have terrible outburst at people and become something I don't want to be ever and I just want to avoid. I bottle up all my emotions and I can't just be who I am souly want to be. My last mindset I'm not sure how to describe it. If I were to pick what I could be when I was being born and put things in the right place I think I would be the happiest I could ever be. But that will never happen, if did anything to try to change things now first I'm too late but I never did anything about it because there was already pressure on me and if I just said it everyone around me would turn against me or think of me differently. I don't like that feeling of being judged, I just want to be loved and accepted. :(

i thought i was doing okay for a few months but i did something today that i have been good at avoiding, and i dont know why i did it… i have been crying all day and i dont want to be here anymore, i dont know what im doing anymore, i dont real have any sort of direction in my life, i dont think i will ever be loved truly, i dont think i can ever be intimate with someone because it scares me so much, i self sabotage myself out of everything and i dont know how to stop, i look to other people for my happiness, i dont know how to deal with my serious mental baggage, i just dont know what to do anymore and i dont want to be here at all anymore

I know I’ve been having mental health problems, I am no professional but my behaviour, suicidal thoughts and self harm, have lead me to believe that I am not okay. However, I can’t find the guts or required strength to tell my family or therapist. I just feel so selfish because so many people would feel so lucky to have what I have (loving parents, friends, a sea of opportunities, enough economical resources) but I just feel like a waste of space. I have realised that many people with mental illnesses become so comfortable and used to feeling bad. I just can’t see myself not feeling so sad all the time, it has kind of become a part of me. I just feel like giving up all the time. Nevertheless, just thinking about my parents makes me want to sail through my sea of dark thoughts. I just want everything to stop. I feel like I can’t talk to anybody and even though people would give a shit if I died, I don’t see how to carry on living. I just want to stop lying and seek the help I need , even if it would mean having to stop feeling sad and in a way loosing that part of my personality. I just don’t want to hurt my mum and dad they love me so much and have done so much for me that I feel so selfish and stupid to feel this way.

I have a cat that I literally love more than any human on this entire planet. He’s been my pet for over 10 years and he’s just my favourite living thing, he sleeps with me every night, when I’m at work or at school my parents say he goes in front of my room and meows because he misses me, when I come home he comes right into my arms and purrs, (now that sounds sad but) he’s literally my best friend. Like he was there cuddling with me when I felt like dying, licking my tears and purring against my ear until I fell asleep. I love him so fucking much, I can’t describe it. Last night I was sleeping with him and he started vomiting, he did it twice then when I finished cleaning it up we went back to sleep, and he got up again and vomited again about 1hr later. He did that a few times during the night, vomiting 7 times in total. He also at one point started trying to meow but it was like he couldn’t let it out, like his voice wasn’t working. But he still walked properly, ran, ate, drank, went to the toilet, purred everything correctly. Today he’s been doing fine, nothing else happened. It was probably something he ate or just a little virus or something. My parents say he’s perfectly okay, his meow is back to normal. But yesterday, as this was happening, I was panicking. I thought he was dying or something bad was happening. I lost my dog 3 years ago, he woke us up during the night as he was suddenly hurting really bad, we took him to the vet and we had to put him down because his stomach was twisted and he was suffering really bad, the nearest vet that could operate him was at 45 minutes drive so we couldn’t save him. In the time span of 4 hours, it went from a normal night to the night I lost my dog. I thought that was happening to my cat last night. All today I had this anxiety in my stomach, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that even though it didn’t happen last night, my cat is gonna die one day and I’m gonna have to go through it. I’m scared to go to bed tonight because I don’t want to miss anything. I’m literally crying and shaking right now. If this cat goes, I don’t know how I’m gonna make it. A lot of days, he’s the one that’s keeping me alive. I know that he would miss me if I wasn’t here anymore, so he keeps me going. I feel like he’s the only one I can hug and sometimes like he’s the only one that loves me. He’s been though everything with me. That sounds so fucking pathetic, a 19yo girl that talks about her cat like he’s her best friend. But yea, I can’t help but thing that one day he’s gonna leave. I’m a mess right now. I just want to sleep but I can’t. <3

Attached below is todays video link to my “On Conquering Schizophrenia” YouTube channel. Today entails self-compassion PRN. Like all, todays video is ever brief and can be viewed amid a squelching of ones internal self-critic! https://youtu.be/H6QFyQaAYNA

So for as long as I can remember I've been traumatized over and over when I was younger my parents would argue and that would get physical so that wasn't great I would always go too school smelling like "weed" since majority of the older people in my house smoke but my depression started when my sister sexually assaulted me when I was 7 and I thought it was normal we were a big family 8 kids 4 boys 4 girls so we were pretty close so I go too take a shower with her and she starts touching near my groin area and I didn't think much of it until March 2022 8th grade so I've had issues trusting people and letting people touch me also my parents marriage is really bad and my mom had kids before her and my dad got married and said that the only reason she didn't leave my dad is because of me and my two younger siblings so sometimes I feel like my life Is something that could've been avoided and brought my older siblings so much joy I've attempted to kill myself twice both times because I was/am tired of life btw I have a bipolar mom so it doesn't help 1st time I tried I was in 2nd grade I tried to hang myself from my bunkbed with my school shirt my dad found me and started yelling at me and said no sit there so I can show you're mom I then began to secretly hate my dad for feeling like I can never please him anyways my mom gets home and asked me why I tried I said because I don't feel loved she said why do you feel that way I forgot what I said but fast-forward to 5th grade when I try to cut my wrist with a machete so there iam 11yr old me with a machete next to my wrist getting ready too end it all but my brother stops me takes it away from me a few weeks later walking to the store with my dad who I don't think much of and kind of embarrassed he is my dad my brother gets mad at me and makes fun of me trying to kill myself and my dad doesn't say anything to him a year later my aunt dies from covid which I know know of that hit me pretty hard I had to go too school the next day and all I did was cry and sleep that day fast-forward some more it's 2021 possibly one of the worst emotional times for me my parents arguments about my dad not providing escalate and when I try too stay out of it my bipolar mom closes my laptop that iam using for a reference too draw and makes me answer her I later saved my mom that year from suicide called the ambulance and she gets put in a mental hospital my mom later blames me for calling the ambulance iam at a point in my life where I no longer care for my life someone could kill me and I will be happy now iam going to list the amount of dead people/things in my life aunt, old friend he was murdered when I was 5, two old dogs, a ferret that I got from my aunt that passed away, recently my French bulldog , iam just tired of the amount of grieving that I have to do and it doesn't help that I have an immense anger problem when I was 4 I got ranover by a car and it left a bloodspot in my brain that causes my anger to be way worse than normal people so 2021 my mom would yell at me for not caring bout certain stuff but iam going through depression at the time and care little for my life and it doesn't help that everytime I made a mistake ahe would compare me too my dad summer of 2022 iam now 14 and have come to terms that iam ok with death and kind of sit and wait for me to be killed the only reason I dont kill myself is because I can't imagine the night's my family won't be able to sleep after not noticing that I've been dealing with depression for years I smoke "weed" to help me feel at ease somewhat and laugh and be a kid for so many times that life has not allowed me to be one

Hello anxious ones, I am an occasional lurker, but I wanted to inquire about a problem I've been having. It appears I have a type of anxiety where after I stop worrying about one thing, I immediately move on to something else to worry about or worry about the same subject from a different angle. This creates an unfortunate situation where my brain is never without worry. Does anyone else have this problem? Is there any way to manage it? I'm on an SSRI, but therapy is not possible for me at this time. Thanks everyone!

fuck all these ignorant people who think i’m willing to suffer from depression, who tell me to just “fight” depression. it’s not that easy and simple. i hate how those without it cannot understand at all. i hate how lonely it makes me feel.

Here’s a little back story. My bf and I have been together for almost a year now but we’ve been friends for two now. We moved out of our home town together by ourselves and we’ve been really lucky in getting to spend most of our time together nearly every single day. I’ve been in and out of work since I’m still learning how to manage stress and anxiety. I just recently got a really good job out here that i’m really excited about, the only issue is the schedule I picked out of the two options that we’re given to me. So my boyfriend also has a nice job out here which he works Mon-Thurs from 6am-4:30pm and sometimes Fridays if there’s over time. I could’ve either picked to work Tues-Friday 5am-1pm or Mon-Thurs from 1pm-10pm. I ended up picking to work Mon-Thurs thinking having three day weekends with my bf. His problem is that we won’t be able to see much of each other during the week. We like to go on trips out of town so my thought was we would have more time to spend on our vacations but now I feel like I picked the wrong schedule and it’s giving me a lot of anxiety and feelings of guilt since he’ll be sitting at home by hisself at night. The other schedule could’ve worked out just the same but I was put on the spot when I had to pick. I’ve been wanting to maybe ask if I can switch my choice but I’m not sure if that would look bad or if i’d even be happy either way since id struggle with getting up at 4am to go to work. On top of all that I feel so stupid for even typing all this out and making it a huge ordeal.

A few days ago I went to sleep before my boyfriend and he couldn't sleep so he went to his brothers room to hang out with him and his friends (this already makes me mad because I get mad when he hangs out with them idk y) then they were talking so he followed them outside and they went to smoke on the trampoline and that made me mad because we are always talking about how bad it is that his brother smokes on trampoline but when he's invited it's fine. The next morning he told me about it and I immediately left to go to our room and I completely broke down because I was so mad about it. The thing is my boyfriend got his brother to give me some stuff to smoke since he already felt bad about smoking without me but I still can't forgive him

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while. I have been on 3 different medications and while they helped my depression quiet a bit, my anxiety is still sky high. I found a brilliant job in October, low stress and high pay and I fucked it up. I left the job cause I was crying every morning and couldn't take it anymore. That's when I decided to get helped. I haven't worked since then... I thought I was getting better so I started applying for jobs again, I am suppose to be starting a new job tomorrow morning but just the thought of it makes me want to cry and hide. I'm in desperate need of money and I feel like such a disappointment.. I have no more sources of income and my family and partner are so disappointed in me. I don't know what to do anymore it makes me want to die... Please, if you know anything about this, give me some advice..

Hi I am currently seeking treatment after, having an episode with a previous job that I ended up quitting and then I recently quit another job. I freaked out, called the suicide hotline because I thought I may kill myself. They recommended me to a therapist who specializes in borderline personality disorder. She is currently accepting me as a patient. I think it will work out, but I was wondering... have any of you burned EVERY bridge in your life... and how did you recover? at 25 I find myself without friends, family and professional/personal references. I have my girlfriend, who is supporting me in this dire time of need, but I need to get back out there. anyone else ever faced another situation like this? **edit** This is my first time seeking treatment, and I am kinda optimistic... we will be doing Dialectical behavior therapy, I am not sure what that will entail but I am willing to try anything at this point.

I cried a lot and probably will cry more but if they haven’t reached out after this long they probably don’t want me around anymore. Having their contact info was just a constant reminder of the pain and was too tempting to call them every time I get upset or am just thinking of them. Idk if I will ever get over what happened and honestly it hurts enough I sometimes wanna not be here anymore. but i think I deserve friends who are understanding of me and set boundaries and love me!!

I’m curious how many of you have narcissistic parents and/or have had serious abuse from a narcissist in you life? Seems to seem really common among bpd’s

I'm really scared for my health. I'm losing my ability to function properly. I can't convince myself to eat unless I'm told to by my father. I'm submitting all my assignments late. I can't just turn my guilt into motivation anymore. Because it was stressing me out so much tried to forcibly fix myself. One small step. I made my bed properly but it was so exhausting. I laid in it and I realised I wasn't ready to even sleep properly. The weight of the sheets messily piled on my body so I didn't have to see or feel anything outside of my bed. I feel so stupid for finding this so unsettling but it sent me crashing. I just feel so weak and for the first time in 4 months I had thoughts about self harming. I honestly want to get up and just stop. Just no longer be. I've been distracting myself as best as I can but I'm really terrified I'm going to go and harm myself.

Telling your significant other that you are struggling and them just telling you just talk to your therapist about it hits differently. I feel like I was ready to open up but not much anymore.

When I turned 20 years old I had a sudden panic attack(Thought it was a heart issue.) And I went to the hospit, where they gave me some sedatives explained I was fine. I was convinced the consistent chest pain was a heart issue, so of course, the attacks persisted. Then became daily and overwhelming. After 4 years of functioning on Xanax I put my fears to rest with a slue of cardiac health tests, quit cold turkey and got back to work, and never was bothered again. That is, until this year. One day at work my heartbeat was so loud I couldn't hear a thing around me, mental defenses came down, called my mother as opposed to ambulance because I was in full on "I'm going to die." Mode. She of course knew better, talked me down. To abridge this a bit in my denial this could possible happen to me again I scapegoated my work(and all of the insurance and mental wellness facilities they had on offer for me) and convinced myself if I just got away from there everything would be okay. It was not. 4 months later I've deteriorated back to near daily attacks. I feel like 5 years of progress has been robbed from me, which makes me feel even shittier. I can never go back to Xanax and don't medicate as of now, but I finally saw a doctor today, which despite my persistence on trying to do anything but medicate, highly suggested I start on an SSRI and HydrOXYzine.(written like that for some reason.) I feel very overwhelmed because I'm not so arrogant to discard the advice of a medical professional trying to help me, but am also terrified on being dependant on a substance to function. (Xanax dependency in the last, lost a brother and a sister to heroine.) I feel super lost and really need some advice. :( ... Should also mention I am suffering from a gastric health issue that is undergoing diagnosis that makes me Intolerant to food and is like to the source of my main trigger(chest pain.) And I have this really simple naive hope that it I can just solve that and stop the pain/acid and throwing up bile and everything I eat that this will all just go away.

I’m 19 years old, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 about a year ago. I experienced a psychotic episode about 4 years ago due to excessive marijuana use. I ended up in the hospital and held for almost a month, delusional the entire time on heavy mood stabilizers. I haven’t really gotten far in detail with anybody about the extent of my delusions but looking back on it from today it is clear I was also experiencing hallucinations. Long story short I ended up getting sober after excessive drug use, countless rehabs and hospitals, and I’ve been sober for almost two years in the program of AA. I’ve experienced a large magnitude of trauma throughout my life. I grew up In split custody households. My dad has bipolar disorder and an obvious narcissism personality disorder, aswell as OCD. It was an extremely difficult time living with somebody who held me to a standard I could never meet. I molded my personality to match one of his liking, and that was my objective for a long time to escape criticism and rejection from my father. I had developed an early pathological lying problem, as I was always scared of my father and what would happen if I had exposed my true self to him. In the same household I was molested by my older brother when I was around 12, so I essentially didn’t have a liking for my family on my fathers side. My sister on my dads side was absent throughout my entire childhood due to discourse with my father. At my moms house, in early childhood, I grew up with a step father who had just gotten out of prison for manslaughter. I was 3 at the time so I he had always been there. Him and my mom also had a meth and heroin problem. My 2nd brother at my moms house had a meth problem as well and was in jail at 18. The house had been raided by the DEA while I was there, I have no memory of it. My step father was the only person around who showed me love I could understand, despite suffering himself from drug addiction. I had never felt love from my mom even though I know she does her best to do so, it has never felt genuine due to reasons I will explain later. My step father was basically a replacement father figure as I had no emotional connection to my biological one growing up. I was prescribed many stimulants at the age of 3, due to my inability to function in school. Because of this I could never connect and make friendships with anybody. I was bullied in school and experienced a lot of pain throughout. I almost got held back a grade in elementary due to my inability to develop my skills, probably due to everything that was going on around me. I also happened to be in special education classes throughout my entire school career with a diagnoses of ADHD. Around age 7, my step father left one day and never came back. The only person I could trust was my mother while she was still battling her own drug addiction. As I continued to age living with my biological father and my mother in desperate households, I very early on developed major depression. I was lonely beyond agony and felt I couldn’t trust anybody. I had learned to hide myself from others in school and fake an aura which brought on “popularity”. Although I never had close connections with anybody in school, I kept everybody away from me. High school comes along and I had discovered drugs and immediately felt the whole inside me fill, this is how my addiction developed. I was high constantly, failing school and keeping my drug use hidden from my family. My freshmen year, when I was 16, I found out my step dad died of an overdose. It tore me apart. I now had nobody. I ended up going into my first psyche hospital around that time due to suicidal ideation. The police showed up at my house and took me away. I was strapped to a bed and watched in a holding hospital. I got into the hospital and it was a scary experience. I immediately fit in, as I thought I had to. I eventually got out of the hospital and continued my drug use. I met a person in one of my classes who I knew did drugs, and manipulated my way into his life in an attempt to use his drugs for free. I did many many different drugs. I ended up taking Xanax one day and woke up to a video on my Snapchat of me getting raped. I had no recollection of it whatsoever. If you’re unfamiliar of the effects of Xanax, it’s very easy to blackout, and so I did. Anyway I continued using drugs more and more. This is when the psychotic episode occurred. The delusion was that everybody in my family had sexually abused me and the mafia was coming from Italy to kill me because I had proof of their crimes. In the hospital I eventually ended up dialing it down to a few people overtime. I got out of the hospital and still had delusions, even to this day I experience them when I go through mania. I ended up doing more drugs after the psyche hospital and landed myself in a rehab. I got out of that and did more drugs. I ended up in another rehab, this time something incredible happened which caused me to get sober. I won’t get into it as it is hard to understand. I’m still sober to this day. I do my absolute best to do what I’m supposed to do to keep the insanity at bay. I’m currently prescribed medication to help with this as well. I’ve developed many friendships and have brought people close, yet I still feel as though I’ve never truly connected with anybody. I’ve been lonely my whole life because of this. I have a bright charm in meetings and am able to talk and befriend anybody I want to. Social butterfly. I still have this lying problem, but it has dramatically improved. I’ve experienced a lot in my sobriety. I’ve felt really good. I’ve felt really bad. Either way I still have this hole inside me and can truly say with confidence that I’ve never truly felt a genuine peace of mind. Just an existential dread covered up by brief moments of satisfaction, I try to hold onto those moments. A few months back I had accused my mother of a sexual abuse that happened many many years ago. This was in a therapy session. I had carried this “memory” with me for many years. My therepist believes it is a delusion and same with my mom. To this day I don’t know if it’s real or a delusion, I try not to think about it. My mom is also a severe liar and manipulative as well. Not to sound cold but the best way I can describe it is that if she took a genuine, long look in the mirror she would probably kill herself. Anyway I’m back living here at my moms after leaving and moving In at a friends house. I’ve just gotten out of a relationship about a month ago which has really brought me down. I don’t cry and breakdown constantly like I was the first few weeks. But my depression has came back, after months of focusing on my relationship instead of AA, and now unable to keep the insanity of my addiction at bay. I’m still sober but suffering. I’m considering exploring SLAA (sex and love addiction Anonymous) as I have those problems as well. Over the last week, I’ve experienced true agony, as things about who I am are beginning to arise. I was meditating a few days ago and began having closed eye hallucinations. This has never happened and I haven’t hallucinated since the psyche hospital years ago. Ive been newly aware of the problems of who I am now, the pathological lying, the disconnection, etc. I have covered up this feeling with use of AA, which has helped, but I am beginning to experience new mental challenges. I’m going to do my best to explain this, but I believe that I’ve been hiding a part of myself, from myself because of an inability to accept something about my mind. Makes me wonder if I have some kind of personality/mental disorder of which I am not aware of. I’ve been questioning my reality for a long time now, and I frequently disassociate. I can make myself hallucinate on command whenever I want. I can numb myself to emotions very easily. Yet at the end of the day, I believe that I don’t know if this is all real. My mind will tell me things, things I know are simple, and I cannot determine what is true and what is false. Anything that my mind produces is an illusion to me, and I do not know what is real. At the same time I’m experiencing a very low self esteem, almost no appetite, sleeping close to 13 hours a night, and no motivation to do anything. I don’t know what’s going on. And I’m having a very hard time trusting others. I’m currently waiting for my next therapy appt next week, and i am going to expose myself to her and explain what’s going on. In the meantime, I wanted more opinions, as I feel very alone and afraid, and I’m having trouble hanging on. Please let me know your opinions. Thank you for reading this far if you have. And feel free to let me know if I’m not clear about something and I will do my best to explain.

Anyone else have multiple personalities?i have three. Most of what they do i can't remember. Sometimes i or them can be heard in background if they aren't what i call sleeping. Only one of them seems to not have bpd

Just found out the guy I’ve been talking to also has BPD and he hasn’t reached out to me for two days and I’ll probably block him anyway and never talk to him again so whatever . he’s been super sweet to me in the past but I can’t handle being ignored like this. I’m just curious though what this type of relationship would look like if I don’t sabotage it before it even begins hahaha

I don’t have any of the answers. None. I’m going through things myself. If it’s one thing I feel like we can all do, is try to be kinder to one another. Tell that person who is taking your food order to have a good day. Encourage your love ones. I understand this can be difficult when most times we are lost ourselves. This world has many problems…but to me the lack of love ❤️ and truly caring about humanity is the main one.

I did so well these past months. Therapy is going well, I spiral less and less, I cut (ha ha) the splitting, I sometimes even think I am not that bad of a human. But nothing lasts forever and here I am again, fighting with probably the Best FP I ever had because I felt left out. Because my mood swings harder than a Major League Batter. Cheers to all of you for another relationship succesfully destroyed and living with that crippling feeling of knowing I'll never be loved. Don't worry, I'll pick the shattered pieces up myself.

i have been considering asking my employer about reasonable accommodations (per ada guidelines) since a particular bpd episode this spring. i experienced a stress-induced cycle due to some compounding family emergencies, which caused some tension/miscommunication in my supervision. i feel like i am in a space that allows me to advocate. i work in peer social services and am contracted to a community space, so my job can be isolating and destabilizing, and my day-to-day obligations/expectations can change without notice. my job's success is also very "untethered" and completely dependent on communication and flexibility. thankfully i have been supported in a way that has allowed me to work with very few complications; however, the last hiccup in my ability to fulfill my employment expectations made me feel far too vulnerable and i decided that some extra security would be nice. last week i e-mailed hr and i just received the forms to submit a formal request for reasonable accommodations in the workplace. i do not qualify for fmla, but the ada allows for a negotiation in meeting dx needs. particular struggles have been occasional late starts, shifts in productivity with medication changes and an inability to focus on admin tasks in my workspace (a library). my employer is requesting a self- and clinical-disclosure with an roi for my psychiatrist, a written statement of needs from my psychiatrist and a few other forms about equity. i am feeling nervous about initiating this process. i don't want to ring a bell i can't unring, but i also don't want to expose myself to undue workplace insecurities when i could (ideally) just ask for what i need. do you have experience with this? i have received pfml with my bpd dx, but i haven't tried integrating accommodations into my routine.

I’m going on a teen tour trip and I’m really anxious about it. I just got to the hotel where everyone is meeting. I leave the US tomorrow. I hate being away from my parents and my pet rats/dog. I’m going away for a whole month and I can already feel the anxiety setting in. I’m not worried about how my rats and dog will be cared for, we got a really good person to take care of them while I am away. At the same time, my parents will also be in another country. (Them in Austria, me in Israel.) I am, however, severely missing my pets and parents and worrying if my pet rats will miss me (we are very bonded). I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this heavy feeling of missing home and those I love while also feeling anxious about not knowing what will happen next on the trip. Every time I leave home to go to sleep away camp or anything I get incredibly homesick. Sometimes it gets so bad I have to come home. I went a few times and stopped because I couldn’t handle it. I thought being away from home and my parents/pets when I’m in another country would be easier than being away from them in the U.S. I think I may have been wrong. What helps you battle homesickness?

So i am 22 years old and just recently graduated from university. Because of covid-19 i lost all of my social skills and i used to have many different interactions with people i knew from uni and my high school friends but now i only talk to my 2 friends and my family. I also live in a house where i dont feel comfortable in and i feel unsafe and uneasy every time i come in. This is because of the presence of my dad (who is extremely strict and controlling) *i can’t believe controlive isnt a word* anyways i think because of all these changes my life has just been really sad and lonely and i dont know how to reach out for help because i dont want my family or friends knowing how i feel because they might pity me or even not try to help and just leave. Also i am not the most confident person to i am my biggest hater which sucks because i am not even ugly but i always pin point every single flaw i have and idk y im like this urgh. It really sucks that i feel how i do and have the thoughts that i do but idk what is trully causing all these emotions of sadness (because im sure many people live with there inconveniences but i cant even function because of my mental state) and how to overcome it and live a bit happier. Just for reference i used to be so happy and content with life and i saw big and nice future for myself but now i cant help but feel sad and i dont see any future for myself. If someone could please tell me how to better myself and just be able to motivate myself that would be helpful. Im at a point where i realized that i probably wont ever be as happy and content as before but i just want someone to help me on how to cope with these feelings in a different way of just isolating myself and staying in bed.

Is there a term for being constantly neutral? Like you’re not sad but also not happy. But the times where you feel sad outweigh the times you feel happy. You frequently think about how much life would be better if you were able to do some things or how you would prefer not existing. You can’t envision yourself passing a young age (personally, I don’t know how life would be like once I pass like 25 or 30). You’re chronically bored and “tired” of your life. Is there a name for that?

Every time I open up, every time I let someone in, I get burned. The things I used to love bring me no joy anymore and the things I find I enjoy I slowly grow to dislike and I’m at a breaking point. I’m at this impasse where I don’t know what to do anymore, I just want happiness and even when it’s so close it just gets ripped away. I just want to be able to say I’m happy and truly mean it, but I’m at a point of acceptance realizing I’ll never truly be happy

We broke up 2 years ago but were together for 5. I feel like after getting my diagnosis last year and going through a 20 week therapy course this year, I've had a lot of time to reflect on myself and understand my behaviours in the past when we were together. I think he influenced the development of my BPD to be honest but I feel like even though we fell out of love and that's why things ended, I still don't feel like I've ever 100% got over him because there's a big part of me that he didn't know about (my diagnosis, which neither did I at the time). He messaged me unprompted tonight for something completely unrelated and the conversation was very short lived, we have barely spoken in the last 2 years but for some reason I feel a strange need to get it off my chest.

I wish I could tell my psychologist I often think of burning down my condo tower. Had a small break few days ago, really wanted to just run over a bunch of people. But, I guess I'll just sit here at work and mellow. I'm just so angry over the past. Least I can do is just sit here at my desk and zone out till they fire me. Gotta atleast do that.

Hi everyone! I've been a lurker for about two years since getting my BP2 diagnosis. I'm still figuring out how to describe the sensations that bipolar brings. If anyone could help me put some words to my feelings, I can use them with my healthcare professionals. Whenever my mood hits the low points, I have flashbacks to low points in my life. I seem to cycle through a handful of bad/traumatic memories. I wouldn't describe myself as having PTSD though because none of these memories really fit that bill. It's like I'm transported back in time to those events and they play over and over in my mind. Sometimes they're triggered by certain things (like references to those time periods, etc), but a lot of times I wake up with them. I know that the thoughts aren't real, but the emotions are very real. I also feel like I've worked through these events with a professional and have learned from them. I know that these are ruminations. But are these thoughts also dissociations? I feel myself zoning out and getting consumed by these memories, and it's very difficult to function. It feels like I've been stuck in a time machine. If anyone could weigh in on how to describe this sensation, I would really appreciate it!

**Trigger Warning: Blood, SI** This happened to me today. Sometime last weekend or earlier this week (not sure when) I’d scraped my leg up pretty bad. Probably from yard-work, exercise, or crawling around on the ground with the dog - doesn’t really matter. But it left me with a scab that I’d forgotten about until I’d gotten an itch on my leg today and when the scratching stopped, I realized I’d opened the scab and had blood smeared all over my leg. It was strangely soothing moment and I took my time wiping the blood smears away with a wipe and warm water. It’s been years, almost two decades actually (I feel so old saying this at 33) since I have activity self-harmed, and yet the satisfaction and comfort of blood, and the memory of how it makes me feel (comforted, in the worst way maybe but nevertheless) never truly goes away. I don’t know know to explain it, I’m not suicidal and haven’t been for years now, but the ‘door to self injury and worse’ never seems to completely go away, and sometimes reminders like this are reassuring (though frightening and sad, too). I felt like, I got to bleed today and watch a wound heal, without needing to justify myself or explain to someone what happened, and feel ashamed and guilty. But personally satisfied. What happened here?! “I scraped myself quite accidentally! :D” and I can enjoy that with complete honestly and no guilt nor shame. Sometimes I think about my previous history with self-harm and depression as though it’s a door in a hallway I frequently pass by - when I was younger this door was constantly open and the pain occurring within that room was irresistible, impossible to avoid. A constant draw of red. But somehow as I’ve gotten older, that urge to self-harm has faded (though never completely gone), and I managed to close that door in the hallway of my life, and can pass by it without that same temptation and pain to open it. But the room never completely goes away, it’s like a door inside your house that you’ve forgotten where you’ve set the key down, and while you never quite miss what might be in that room, you never completely forget it, either? That door has become a wall decoration, a daily reminder, but no longer painful, it just is. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone, and these are just some of my thoughts.

Probably won't cost me my job, but I'm pretty nervous about it. Wish me luck!

I find that I do this a lot, depending on who I'm talking to. For example, if I'm talking to an old person, I paint an image in my head like they see me as some young reckless law-breaking rebel. If I'm speaking to a successful manager or an upper level executive, I start thinking they see me as a young, dumb, inexperienced, lazy person. If I'm speaking to some guy who's super tall, jacked, and kind of abrasive, I think that maybe they see me as the little guy he picked on in school. If I'm talking to a guy who's like super stoned and kind of slow with words, I think they see me as some kind of uptight and super knowledgable professor of law. If I'm talking to a pretty girl, I think they might think I'm this "scrub" trying to hit on her. Even when I'm speaking to my boomer dad, I get this impression that he sees me as some young smartass teenager who might say things to the effect of "you're just not with it *daaaaaad*" (even tho I'm 26 and not really young anymore). It's like with every person I talk to, I paint this weird stereotype of how I'm coming across to the person in my head. It's kind of funny but kind of annoying.

Hi! I'm super bad at keeping these things short so please feel free to ask for more info in the comments since I'll be omitting smaller details. Just dx'd with epilepsy so I've gotta start depakote soon... taking lithium right now which has 0 side effects and fixes the bipolar pretty much entirely but I'd like to just phase the lithium out completely because of the eventual organ damage and since depakote is also a bipolar med! (and so I have less pills to take at once... 3 lithium pills already phew) Does anyone have any input on how well depakote works for you or a friend for bipolar, side effects (I do have an eating disorder in remission, if that needs to be addressed I would like to know!), if it can work well by itself since I can't really supplement it with antipsychs (TD), if anyone has experience taking both together, etc etc... Any input at all related to the subject is much appreciated! Thank you so much!

A year ago I unexpectedly moved out of my parents house to live with my boyfriend. I’m 22 yrs old and when my narc parents saw how close I was getting to my bf they tried to break us apart. I wasn’t physically abused but I was emotionally abused and manipulated and lied to by mostly my mom but my dad too. If I didn’t obey their rules or drop my plans to be with them I would face their wrath. They accused me of horrible things that they made up and have punished me for these lies of theirs. Even tho I’ve been supporting myself since 15 I still needed a lot of their help financially which bothered my mom the most. When I moved out they were so dramatic screaming and my dad even threatened to kill my bf. When I moved out my dad only texted me to say that the family missed me and wanted me home but my bf wasn’t allowed at the house. My mom sent me texts, dms, emails, that sent me so much anxiety. The thing is I tried to apologize for some things that happened the way it did when I left home but she gave me so much anxiety and guilt and never apologized or asked how I was doing. No one from the family asked if I needed money, anything from my room like clothes, or even my own car. I had to block my mom bc anytime she contacted me I felt like I was dealing with ptsd. After that my mom and dad cut off my phone line unexpectedly so I had to get a new # I haven’t contacted anyone since bc I’ve realized how much I have actually had to go through and how much I loved them and I did more than most daughters would. No one contacted me on my birthday or the holidays which I assumed was going to happen. But today is my n moms birthday and idk why this makes me so sad bc I still wish I could have a normal family who loved me for me.... All I ever wanted was to be the best daughter and make my parents proud...everything I did was for them and I’m just learning to do things for myself. I feel like I was more of a mother than a daughter to my parents and 2 younger brothers. I’m the first in the family to graduate college too so my mom had a lot of animosity towards me. Despite the trauma I went thru I’m worried if I don’t tell her happy birthday that I’ll regret this when I’m older...I still feel a lot of guilt as a trauma response so I’m emotionally confused. But I haven’t talked to anyone bc idk what to say and I’m so scared when I think every day when I’ll talk to them and what I would say. I hate that it looks like I’m pushing my family away when I feel like I love them actually so much it kills me. I want to keep this peace I have just discovered within myself and how good I am doing on my own but I need a clear conscience

I remain very physical with my partner because I do enjoy it and have such a big desire to be so. But, I also hate feeling like it's all I am - despite feeling this I still go through with things I don't want to just to avoid my dear of abandonment, or not being fulfilling like porn could be for them. I want to keep up my sex life as I desire it so much but at the same time I don't think I could ever have the genuine sweet love I desire.

For as long as I can remember I've been filled with anxiety almost every moment of my life. When I'm outside, I'm anxious because I have severe social anxiety. When I'm alone, I'm anxious about the future. Now at 21 years old, I'm this socially awkward husk of a human being. Never got out of my comfort zone, and at 21 fucking years old I'm shit at interacting with others like some poorly socialized dog. I constantly stumble over my words and struggle to speak cohesive thoughts. Never addressed the constant anxiety, and I'm almost certain that's why my brain is constantly filled with fog and I always feel disassociated. I swear my fucking IQ has dropped at least 50 points since elementary school, I was great at critical thinking and I easily surpassed everyone in any academic area back then, and now I'm just so disassociated and foggy that any form of critical thinking is a massive struggle and I'm very slow to figure anything out, constantly missing obvious things. It hurts every time I see a couple at college knowing that I'll likely never experience that. Half of the people at this point in my classes are married, and the majority of the rest have a significant other. My social skills are so far behind that it's just not going to happen anytime soon, and after I graduate I will hardly meet any women at all since I am studying in a heavily male dominated field. My whole life I've been a fucking bitch and a coward that was too afraid to fail, too afraid to struggle and this is the day of reckoning where I pay for it. I've lost countless opportunities in every area of life because of my cowardliness. If you lack social skills, you are so fucking crippled when it comes to succeeding at literally anything. Every day life just looks more bleak than ever. If I had a gun right now, I'd fucking blow my brains out, I don't care about anything anymore. I look at the transformer under my bed and wonder if I should just slice my hands open and put ten thousand volts across my heart on a 2 minute timer, that should do the job.

I feel like I’m the only one with bpd who didn’t have a traumatic childhood. My childhood was ideal and my parents are wonderful. I feel like I’m stupid and must be faking it somehow.

hi guys, im about to start college in a few months but I struggle with depression/anxiety so I always struggle with oversleeping & being lazy I guess. Im just wondering how you guys did it & were motivated for the 3-4 years while dealing with bad depression. I always fall in depressive episodes & im scared I’ll be unmotivated.

A couple of weeks ago I had my first anxiety attack - or perhaps it was some panic attack, idk tbh. CONTEXT: I (recently 19 male) went back to live in a city which I lived only in 2019-march 2020 (cuz I got into HS there, when I was 15-16) since 2020 there was no reason for me to live there cuz my school went remote, so I went back to live with my parents, did that during March 2020 till March 2022 (when my school returned in person classes) I guess the big deal was facing the fact that NOTHING is the same as it was in 2019 - and that hurt a lot. I only had one month of in person classes, and only 5 out of 50 students were actually going to classes (the majority had already graduated early cuz they got into uni) literally not even my closest friends were there with me, but I didn't feel that bad during April, however after my vacation ended and I returned to that city (I was now remote studying to some online curse) I felt okay till my mom and friends visited me - I guess I realized I was completely ALONE, like 11 hours of my day was basically me studying alone. The anxiety was the worst, after my parents and friends went back to their homes, I felt so bad till the point I couldn't get up my bad, my mind would think of all terrible scenarios that you could imagine (death anxiety, fear of getting older, fear of everything basically) and I started having multiple thoughts of the past, like wishing I could return to 2018-2019 when I was once the happiest I've been, and also fearing how much time seemed to pass (it feels like I was 16 a year ago and now I'm 19) The anxiety was basically eating me alive. I decided to go back to my parents house and I've been though like 4-5 therapy sessions, I've been getting better but it's just a weird feeling that definitely hasn't completely disappeared of my mind, well I hope I can get better

I’m 20 years old and have been going on and fighting every single day for the last 7 years of the idea if I just do this one thing or get this one thing I’ll finally feel some form of happiness, I have what in my mind 5 years ago to be the life of my dreams yet even though I have what I thought would help it’s all just a blur of life day in and day out. I don’t even know what to do anymore Last night was the first time I ever got that close to actually being there. I always here it gets better but when? I don’t find enjoyment in anything and my entire day is spent just trying to distract my mind

I have a friend and I have romantic feelings for her she's aware and I know that I would be able to fall in love with her, she wants to continue to be friends but it hurts me the more I talk with her but can't be with her, she is one of two people who show in any fashion that she cares about me

Im 25(f) years old and due to my shit anxiety i always had issues getting close to people and making friends. I still cant seem to make any i feel so stupid and inept. Even when i try and talk to people and show interest consistently they just dont seem to show it back and i start feeling like a bother. I havent traveled anywhere and seen anything and have no passions except drawing and some other mediocre shit like video games and gym. Two friends that i have i stick with even though i domt really like them because Im so friggin lonely. It beats being completely alone. Im currently very sick with covid and no one even bothered to check up on me or just send me a message on how im doing. I worked really, really hard on myself since 2019 on my social skills and social anxiety but apparently no matter how much i try to change, how much social stuff i learn im not good enough. I see stories on instagram of people i know hanging out and i become really sad and jelaous. And even though i day id love to hang out and they seem to want too they never call me to those hangouts or are "busy" when i invite them. I feel im too old and too anxious to move to another country or do anything like dress up and go to shitty house parties. Im afraid if i do ill be more lonely than i am now due to being inept at making friends. I live with my dad and grandma because theyre old and im helping them out but honestly i think its more because I'd be alone if i didnt. My fever is really high and im in pain and i hate being lonely. Im so tired. Im sorry for the emotionally fuelled fever rant.

I'm hopelessly in loved with my new therapist. I've only known him for three months, but I feel like he's the only one in the world that understands me. If he knew how much I'm obsessed with him, he would probably terminate me. I cyber stalk him daily and know who is parents are, who his fiancée is, wedding date, and other random crap. I feel like he's my savior who's going to save me from the world and most importantly myself. I want him to cradle me and give me what I've never gotten from my family. I want to spend our lifes together. I wish he could break up with his fiancée who I'm secretly competing with. Of course, he doesn't feel the same. He thinks I need to save myself and he's SO fucking distant. He doesn't hug or touch me. He doesn't smile. He doesn't talk about himself. He maintains his "boundaries" which confuse me, because IME when people use that word it means that they don't like me as much as I like them. Im terrified that he's going to abandon me eventually, because I'm fucking nutty and I'm probably too much for him. I've read that having BPD is a huge stigma and some therapists refuse patients with BPD. I wish he was obsessed with me. Like please give me more attention. I'm scared that he forgets me in between therapy sessions. Anyway, anyone else have this issue?

My mental health has been absolutely trash recently because of the immense stress I’ve been under financially. Im a 20 year old girl and practically homeless right now, I’m couch surfing. I had to leave my last place because of its deplorable conditions (it was a house that is pretty much inhabitable. No functioning kitchen, no sink, no way to do laundry, mice… even in the fridge, half of the electricity doesn’t work, etc. I have been working full time after being unemployed for a year due to extreme social anxiety. I’ve just been so stressed with trying to make money to live, i had to drop out of college because i couldn’t afford it, i have no stable place to stay which makes me feel unstable in every other aspect of my life. My whole family doesn’t like me right now because i blew up on them for giving their negative opinions on my program choice for college and for telling me to stop being negative when i was crying about how I’m broke and am scared i won’t be able to go back to college. I feel like things have once again gotten to the point where i feel like i should be hospitalized. I’ve been thinking of self harm every day which is not something normal for me. I recently have been thinking about suicide because i feel so alone. I feel worthless because everyone hates me, including myself. The relationship between me and a guy I’ve been dating has become unstable because of my frequent bout of anxiety and depression. I feel like now would be a good time to get help but I’m scared I’m going to lose my new job. I finally have been able to get working after being unemployed for so long (not only that but I’m working FULL TIME Which is something I’ve never done before). I’m afraid that I’m going to lose all of this progress but i also feel like if i don’t get help then i will end up not going to work anymore because my anxiety and depression will take over. Is there anything i can do to keep my job?

IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS IM LIVING IN YOUR WALLS

Anyone else really struggling with the heatwave? (UK) - for me heat is a trigger so it’s making me feel faint and anxious. X

Okay so, I really don‘t know how to start this? When I was around 10/11 I went through some phase, where for a few months, nothing would feel real. That phase was over for some time and everything was kinda normal again. But when I was..13? 14? There was another phase like that. And it lasted up until now. So, a few years. It‘s worse at times where I really feel like I am losing every grasp to reality, and sometimes I just feel numb and everything feels so distant. As if I am viewing everything through a filter that makes it feel blurry? I don‘t know what it is, and I don‘t enjoy it. I‘ve learned to live with it, but it really upsets me when I come to think of it. Does anyone experience the same or, at least know what it is? Or how to get rid of it maybe? Thank you for reading.

Sorry if this isn’t formatted properly or has incorrect grammar, just feeling a bit emotional right now. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sent to a psych ward twice now and I’m under the constant threat of getting sent back to one, even though they don’t help at all. So opening up completely is not an option. But I can’t kill myself either because I’m scared of pain and I don’t have access to guns in my country and I can’t order helium without my parents noticing. At first I thought ECT would save me from eternal despair and I was willing to sacrifice my cognitive abilities and memory for it but after 9 times nothing has changed. What treatment is left? I’ve tried lots of meds but they’re somehow even less effective than ECT is. I’ve already left school because of my anxiety so I tried homeschooling for a while, but eventually I was forced to pause my academics entirely to fully focus on my treatment. Every day that passes is a day wasted and sooner or later I have to do my GCSEs. I truly want to believe that deep inside I am a kind person but currently I am just full of spite and hatred for everyone around (even my parents) and I don’t know what to do. I curse my parents every day for giving birth to me and wish everyday I was never born at all. Thanks for reading Also, quick question, is it normal if I do my GCSEs a year or two late? Because currently I’m nowhere near improving to a level where I can focus on my academics to a satisfactory level

I just want to hear from some other people if they struggle with financials as much as me. I’m in credit card debt, loan debt, owe money to my mother and the thing is I work full time and I don’t even understand how I keep finding myself down to barebones over a week before my next check. I do make minimum wage and live alone in California so I suppose that doesn’t help. I just feel like a total failure. This illness influences decisions in a way I don’t feel like anyone who doesn’t have it could understand.