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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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I'm currently exploring seeking a BPD assessment and I know fear of abandonment, trying to avoid abandonment, etc. are pretty central BPD symptoms. I think I experience this to some extent but I'm not sure if it really "counts" and I'm wondering if any other people with BPD experience it similarly to me or if it's usually different. NOT looking for a diagnosis on here, just interested in talking about this symptom. Also I think this might sound more like DPD, but I have other symptoms of BPD that make me think it's more likely that's what it is. Anyway. il try to summarize my experiences briefly as I can but it won't be that brief sorry lol For me it isn't super explicit. I don't necessarily think "this person is going to leave and I have to stop them." But I am very dependant on others and I think if I was left on my own I would quickly fall apart and not be able to make it, so in that regard I am afraid about what would happen if people left me. I also fear that people secretly hate me or will come to hate me and I worry that I don't have any "real friends." I'm afraid of being annoying. I take critisism super personally and hard. To avoid abandonment or being disliked I try to be very kind and helpful and accomidating. I apologize a lot and struggle to ask for what I want. I get really down on myself if I think I messed something up socially. I typically default to blaming myself for basically anything. I often forgive others too easily when the wrong me because I want them back in my life in a positive way. Sometimes I end up doing some things like oversharing about my issues, crying noticably where someone cam see or hear, becoming self destructive in various ways, etc. baisically because I want people to pity me, to forgive me, to come to my rescue, etc. It's not usually much of a conscious decision to do this stuff, it's kinda just ingrained. For the most part it doesn't seem like the classic stereotype of BPD so I'm wondering if this is a way that BPD symptoms can manifest or if it doesn't really fit BPD. Also just interested to see how people's experience of abandonment issues vary. Hope that makes sense. Thank you.

Yesterday I took 34 pills of quetiapine, when I woke up I searched and realized that i got all the symptoms of a overdose and that i was lucky to get alive since i would've needed to get hospitalized ( i didn't since i passed out in my bed ). It feels just so weird everything now, i feel empty but in peace, it's weird to know that I'm alive but i feel lucky that nobody knows that i tried to kms since i didn't say goodbye to anyone and i was in my bed. I wonder what would've happened if I succeeded. I also realized that i don't wanna die but i also don't wanna live. I feel so weird rn

The other night I was at my friends’ place, having had a bunch of drinks, and at one point some of us were watching TV with the lights off. I got up and bumped my foot against a backpack on the floor, losing my balance a bit, and I moved the backpack against a wall and saw there was some kind of laptop or tablet inside, though I didn’t inspect it. Later while walking home I couldn’t stop considering the possibility that I had broken or damaged that computer and would be out a couple grand to pay for it. Especially with the booze making it hard to replay the incident in my mind, it was impossible for me to reason about how unlikely that actually was. A long worrying session that even carried a little bit over into the next day sprang up out of absolutely nothing.

I have the concrete proof. My life doesn’t improve anything. People are better without me. I stay home and wail heartbroken and people love on so easily. Because I don’t matter. Soon I won’t be a burden anymore for no one. There’s no point fighting. Too many hospitals stays later and I don’t want to have another one. It doesn’t help. My life is done and isn’t worth living.

If you're in therapy share a coping mechanism your therapist taught you for depression and/or anxiety. I know this thread is no substitute for therapy but I think it would benefit this group.

I don't like feeling like this. but in some odd way it's so comforting. The hours in bed, the no motivation, it's comforting, like it's the only consistent thing in my life. I'll always have a place to come back to and in some messed up way... I like it

Im 19, and about to be going into my sophomore year of college. I stayed at my parents for my freshman year and drove back and forth, but I knew this year I wanted to move close to my school instead of driving an hour back and forth. I just moved not even a week ago, and I just don’t feel comfortable, or happy. I love my apartment, I’m in the city now, I’m in the location I wanted to be, There’s absolutely nothing wrong with anything other than I feel like I’m just not settling in or getting comfortable. I don’t know what to do, my parents are amazing they’d never say anything about me wanting to move home my mom would probably welcome it if anything, but I feel so stupid and pathetic to move back at 19 after moving out for what was supposed to be for good. is this normal for awhile moving out on your own the first time should I stick it out and just deal with it?

Has your defense mechanism ever gotten you to the point where you felt you lost love towards your partner? Were you able to overcome this?

i hate myself a lot. my insecurity and self hatred ruin almost all my relationships, and they show constantly. i understand where almost all of my symptoms and feelings come from, but i don't understand this one. why do we hate ourselves so much?

I've been having an increased number of panic attacks in the last couple of weeks because of life stuff, about two last week and three this week so far, one of which was at school today in the bathrooms. School is where I'm at my worst. They mainly relate to other people and what they think of me. I get really in my head, and I have a lot of trouble preventing panic attacks because of that. I tend to cry, yell out, hyperventilate, and hit/scratch myself and have trouble restraining myself from doing so. Does anyone have any advice on how to calm down from panic attacks, or how to make them easier to cope with? I feel like i can barely live my life normally right now because of them, and while i know i cant get rid of them, i cant keep going the way i am right now with this.

I’ve been this way since I was a teen. I became a mom. Does anyone with kids feel like they would end it if it weren’t for these tiny little humans who gave us the meaning of life? Some days I’m so elated and happy then the next day I’m hit with a ton of bricks of angriness, sadness and contemplation of the why. Why am I here? Why am I still feeling this way?

So I've been at the same company for over 10 years, and last year we lost a lot of good people and competence and suddenly only I was stuck with a shitload of responsibility that I can't possible manage in a good way. So I've complained to my boss for a year and just a month ago we got a replacement. The guy is older, curious but cannot follow directions and never ask questions. Just today I called in sick due to my anxiety is through the roof and I'm mostly paralyzed just focusing on breathing. But checked in on the company chat and recieved a comment from my new colleague which went something like "don't expect me to understand when you don't f\*\*king explain what I'm doing". While I can understand his reaction it was worded strongly and I'm used to a culture where you ask questions when you don't understand. I've tried explaining and pointing him in the right direction, but if he don't ask anything I don't know if we're all good or he doesn't have a clue, and if he doesnt' have a clue I need to know what I need to explain further. But even though I've told him to ask questions, he never does. Which is apparent now that he started using such strong words without asking for clarification. So I don't know how to handle the situation and I can't even bother anymore since I can't even handle myself at this moment. I wanna switch jobs, move to another city and just restart my life. But that takes effort, courage and energy. None which I have right now. A sudden death right now would be comforting. I also thought I was through all these feelings since I've worked through them in the past, but once stress hits it's just like I rewinded 10 years of my life.

Have you ever had a dream that you just achieved in which worked hard for (whether it is your dream job or an admission to your dream university), and yet you still feel nothing inside? You always visualize that achieving those dreams will make you happy and fulfilled, but the moment you reached that star, you still feel empty inside. It's as if you don't deserve it and nothing makes you happy anymore. You rely your happiness on your dreams but those dreams actually does not feel anything the moment it knocked on your door. Maybe it does for a moment, but not as much as you envisioned it. And that thought makes you so pathetic because it feels like you are so hollow inside and nothing will fill it right back up and it proves that you are truly a lost cause with no chance of being happy and loved. ​ In my own experience, dreams are just abomination waiting to happen. At the end of the day, I will still find a way to destroy those dreams that I worked for.

So my doctor prescribed me Amoxicillin for an infection I had, and my anxiety has since skyrocketed 3 days after taking them. My mood feels low, I near enough had a panic attack today. Which prior it would happen like close to never. I feel horrible, has anyone had a similar experience?

Anyone ever just constantly rush everything they do, I do this all the time and I wish I could just slow down sometimes but I can’t, weather its eating walking, cooking I’ll RUSH myself as if I’m being timed and I just wish I can relax and enjoy things. A lot of people tell me to relax but I just can’t seem to no matter how hard I try

Does anyone have some good strategy’s or methods to help obsessing over something? Currently, I am waiting for an appointment with a surgeon, and I can not stop thinking about it. All these thoughts keep going through my head, like (what if he tells me I am overreacting?) or (what if it gets canceled again?) or (what if he sends me away with no help?). These thoughts are killing me. I have not been able to think think of anything else but this dang appointment for the past week, and it’s this Tuesday. Anything would be helpful!!

Due to health insurance issues, I'm off my meds for the month and this are really starting to get bleak. I can't stop thinking of my kitty that died or about my old lives that I miss. My boyfriend is really supportive but I don't want to bring him down with how bad I'm feeling. I cried for the first time in weeks and I forgot what it felt like. I hurt myself too. But he's been so exhausted that in trying to keep this to myself. I'm making an effort to go back on my diet and try to exercise again. But all I want is to stay in bed and cry and wish I was dead. This is just a vent, I guess.

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This is true happened 2 days ago. Went to the landfill threw away some stuff found a toad. Me and the landfill employee took time to save it from traffic. Blm and jan 6 white bs make me depressed. I thought about me a another human saving a different species. I hugged my pillow. The news scares me

I went today for an emergency appointment because of a very bad week not going into details as it maybe deemed a trigger. However I was explaining that I believe I have undiagnosed mental illnesses could be a few different ones, or just one maybe but I very much doubt it I may not. He was hell bent on saying its just anxiety despite my medical notes. Spoke to me like an imbecile and laughed when I mentioned stimming in regards to autism saying he has never heard of it. Anyway I started to cry because he was so dismissive and rude, he then said should I leave. I ended up leaving crying and feeling far worse than when I went in. I am shocked that someone in this profession could be so callous and rude. Maybe I deserved it I don't know. I am now going to have to pay private because I will get no help from him and I know there are some brilliant phychriactric professionals but am not willing to be belittled in that manner again. Talk about knocking someone down when they are at their lowest.

So me(22M) and my (19F) gf broke up recently. On January 30th. So my ex gf broke up with me due to her BPD, and while I had my faults, they weren’t the reason for the breakup. She says I didn’t do anything wrong, and she needs to deal with this on her own. I have made a lot of self improvement since the breakup, and am a lot better of a person then what I was. She has also said: she felt smothered in the relationship by me and herself and she can’t go through that again. I agree, we hung out everyday of the week. Talked constantly. Now the reasonings for the breakup is as follows: - it’s my BPD - you we’re codependent, defensive, words didn’t match your actions, and are angered easily - It’s my BPD, you didn’t do anything, you were a great bf And now to… ‘our relationship is not contingent on me being better’. So now there is an issue with how I acted… it keeps changing… Implying that my own issues made it difficult as well, I agree, I’m willing to work through these issues as I wasn’t the best partner, and she admits she wasn’t either. Originally I was a great bf? Changing again. Which is progress!! She says she’s not dating anyone, and neither am I. She says she wouldn’t take it personally if I saw others during this time, but I find that hard to believe tbh. I don’t really date much at all. She says she loves and cares about me so much… but can’t be in a relationship right now, and wants to be friends. But she also took hours to respond to my texts messages, when she says she wants to be friends (sighting it’s a ‘defense mechanism’ because she can’t be in a relationship right now) edit: this is somewhat fixed now? Idk It seems like all I do is annoy her when I do text her… I just don’t know what happened… if I didn’t do anything, why treat me this way? I told her I’m here if she needs me for anything. However, after I told her about my almost suicide attempt, and what’s going on in my life, two weeks ago, and being ‘friends’ with her for a week or so, she still hasn’t checked up me, asked how I was, or what I’m up to, but has hung out with me when I asked, but when it’s convenient for her, (assistant for tennis), but when I asked to see the sunset with her, she agreed, but canceled after an hour of the tennis stuff ending. I agreed to be friends with her having no expectations, as she can do that too. However I still am in love with her and want her back. But in person, it’s completely different: there is an awkwardness, but we’re getting better. I am still touchy, and flirt somewhat; I still get her flowers, and try to plan out fun times for us and we both seem to be into it. She doesn’t like surprises or future plans however. But we still reminisce about times we were together, when we hang out we laugh like crazy, still talk on a deep level, talk about each other’s personal lives, not dating anyone, and she isn’t afraid of me being close to her. I told her if you don’t want to date me anymore, she can say it. And she said that’s not it. This is all really confusing to me, as we both still have feelings for each other, but doesn’t know where she’ll be when she’s better, so trying again is up in the air. Maybe she wants to feel things out, and see if I’m actually ‘changing’? I am committed to becoming a better person 100%. I have gotten my act together on my end, being more active, on anti-depressants, less anxious, more content, etc. I mean hell the other day, she got mad at me for my ‘self-inserting humor’ when everyone knows that’s the humor I use and so does she, I mean she was my gf; it was a complete rage over text.. all over me talking to her everyday, and asking if she wanted to go on a walk because the day was beautiful… she has changed completely from when I first dated her and now. She wanted space that day, then the following day, texted me… I mean what? It’s heartbreaking. She says she loves and cares about me… but I genuinely can’t see it… it’s like she’s pushing me so far away. I mean what do I make of all of this? I really want things to work, but I don’t know what to do or think really. We hung out on Monday, and she referred to me as a ‘friend’ but then said ‘just kidding’, then later said yeah ‘just friends’. I’m not trying to read too much into it. As of today the lines of communication have been so better, we talked about space and not texting everyday and hanging out once and a while (once a week probably). Should I just stop reaching out? I don’t know what else to do :/ I want to be there for her, but it’s hurtful being ignored and demonized constantly. I wasn’t perfect, but I loved her the best that I could. When we text, while it’s not continuous, each interaction is fun for us both. Kind of pulling on past jokes when we were together. I just want her back in my life as my gf as I love her immensely, but wondering if ‘taking it slow’ is the right approach? And how to do that? I still make her laugh until she cries, and have long, deep hugs, talking about serious and emotional stuff. It just seems like if I’m there for her, it’ll work out. How many ‘hang outs’ should we have before I ask her out on a real date? I was thinking maybe 5 hangouts (once a week) then asking her to go to dinner w me? This is the real kicker for me. She also wants ‘space’ so me not being up her ass basically, what is the best approach for this? When should I also give up? If I keep getting ‘buddy zoned’? Because maybe she really does what to take things as they come, however I don’t want to wait around forever even though I probably could. I’ve also been told to ‘go at her pace’. So maybe don’t make moves unless she seems open to it? Am I being used by her or is she giving me a chance but scared? TL;DR : gf broke up with me, but there still seems to be a chance, what should I do? Take it slow? And how do I do that?

so far the only advice either my wife or I can find on coping with our 18yo sons bpd are long lists of emotional sacrifice to possibly maybe help him while greatly harming ourselves, or, to kick him out which would surely end very badly for someone in his condition. the only advice from doctors has actually been far more harmful, everyone seems completely ill-suited to offer any useful advice. so, I ask you adult with bpd, what would you tell your dad if he had a heart and compassion and a great deal of mental health knowledge but not an ounce of mojo left to give? how could he still have helped? tia.

I have a friend named “R” and the group poked fun at him and never laughed at his jokes. I wasn’t around him much, but saw it and how he got depressed and shut off. I started feeling like I’m coming off that way and started losing grip with who I was and have been stuck in this concept of how I’m coming off. Now I am that guy and they have stopped laughing at my jokes and poke fun at me. This keeps happening with all kinds of ways “what if I come off this way?” “They probably see me as this character in a show..”

Im totally introverted and don't want to deal with customer service jobs or anything of the sort. I'm 29 and i got my recent diagnosis of bipolar and now finally on meds so i want something like a warehouse type job where i don't have to deal with people. anybody got any ideas? i'd love to hear em'!

For the last few months my depression and anxiety has been through the roof. I've not been a good place. What I'm experiencing isn't so much delusions, more so paranoias, revolving around the theme of people being a product of my imagination. I can rationalize that these paranoias are untrue, but still they bother me. I sometimes get paranoid that my SO is a sort of higher power, who's leading me on a certain path. I get paranoid that he can hear my thoughts and knows what I'm doing when we're not together. We've had a lot of arguments lately, which are caused by me getting stuck in extremely negative thought loops, and I hear everything he says as a criticism. I begin to believe he doesn't really love or care about me or even like me anymore. I'm scared to be alone. I see shadows, I get this bothersome feeling that I'm not alone. It freaks me out. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss feeling sane. Anyone else experience anything like this? I'm in therapy but haven't spoken to anyone about these specific concerns because I feel embarrassed about it.

I need to vent, and I'm not sure where else to do it. I'm dusting off an old throwaway because I'm not brave enough to post this from my regular account, which probably has enough information to identify me. I'd rather play it safe. So, I'm lying in bed, and it's Christmas day here in Australia. I was born and raised in a very traditional family, which wasn't exactly religious (more just Christmas/Easter Christians), but it had that mentality. Christmas in particular was a huge event in my house, growing up. It'd be days and days of amazing food, family, presents. It was tough, and draining, but my mother, for all her faults, could throw a celebration. They were strict parents, especially my Mother. She sort of had a very set view of how the world was, and how we (me and my siblings) would fit in to it. We were held to a pretty damn high standard. It was tough, and there was always a lot of friction between us growing up. Dad, on the other hand, was pretty passive. He always dealt with problems by disappearing and working on his motorcycles or something, and coming back a few hours later after he'd calmed down. Things weren't ideal, but they were stable enough, right up until the point where I came out. Since I was maybe 12 or 13 or somewhere around there, I always had a sense of 'something isn't right'. When I was 16 or 17 I thought it was a phase, or maybe just a fetish. Later on I suppressed it, ignored it, and minimised it, because that was easier to accept than the possibility that I was transgender. I've been out to people for two years now and it *still* feels odd to write that. Looking back now, I see a lot of the borderline symptoms that developed over the last ten or so years. The intensely black and white thinking. The complete lack of any real sense of identity. Extreme overreactions. Wild, erratic, relationships. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, having either experienced it yourself or knowing someone who has. I did what I did best, and suppressed that too. I wasn't ready to approach it head on and handle it. Things went really fucking sideways a few years ago. Please bear with me and my vagueness, I don't want this to be too identifiable. I did a dumb thing and attempted suicide. I don't feel like it's a good idea to describe my method of doing so, but needless to say I wasn't successful (that's a weird way to think about it). I never actually told my family that I'd attempted. It just never occurred to me, even though I sat in a psych ward for a few weeks with nothing else to do. That was the kick in the ass I thought I needed. I ran headlong into fixing this gender bullshit. I saw a therapist, for more than a year, and started hormones. I came out about a year after my attempt. Finally, I thought, I had the fucking answer. You can probably guess how it went with the family? It was a shit show. At the time I was legally an adult, but I was no longer allowed to live in my flat, as it was owned by them. I spent a few months sleeping in my car, and stayed with friends as much as I could. I even ended up living with my boss from work for a while. I moved cities. I lost my family, I lost a lot of friends, but I also gained some people that I've never been closer to. Looking back, it kinda strikes me as a bit of a BPD red flag, idealising someone like that, but even then, I'd not even considered that I might be borderline. Coming out did, however, fix some things. I felt okay in myself. The intense dysphoria wasn't gone, by any means, but it's manageable now. I still feel a lack of self, for want of a better term, but less so than I used to. I want to say it was a positive step, but looking at how it cost me my friends, my safety, my home, and my family, I can't be sure it was. After intense suicidal ideation, and ongoing self harm, I'd bounced in and out of a psych ward for a while after I moved. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist, who finally gave me a name for what I'd been experiencing for years now, and told me I was borderline. She also told me that there was 'nothing else she could do' a week later. That fucking hurt, because my borderline diagnosis has me doubting so much about myself, and particularly my gender identity. Just thinking about it makes me panicky and scared. So what's the point of me typing all that? I'm lying here in bed, the only person at home, a box of Seroquel next to me as my only way of coping, wishing I was dead. This time of year fucking sucks. In quick succession, I've got a string of anniversaries of traumatic events mixed in with events that should be family occasions, but only serve as stark reminders that I don't have a family any more. Over the space of a month and a half, you have the anniversary of that first suicide attempt, my birthday, the anniversary of my coming out to my family, Christmas, then new year's. All I want is some fucking relief, but it never lets up. Even if I could go into hospital for the suicidal thoughts, I'd be risking my job. I already lost one position because I was in hospital too much. No-one seems to understand how much is riding on me having this job. It's a good position, with great people, for a company I like, and it pays well. It's a shot at stability after years and years of volatility and uncertainty. Really, all of this (and thank you if you've made it through it all) is just a vent. I haven't posted here under this account, but I hope you'll understand my use of a throwaway. Look after yourselves, and merry fucking Christmas.

My boyfriend was just pretty much diagnosed with AVPD and I’d like to hopefully hear some of your guys’ experiences possibly? I feel it’d be super helpful

As though life played a cruel joke on me, my two family dogs passed away within 2 weeks of each other. In particular, the second dog was only 8 years old and cancer meant we needed to put her down. My life was already hell and I was in an abyss of my self-loathing, depression, perpetual stress and more, and then this happened. I love dogs, and I find it difficult to find meaningful relations with people, so my dogs were basically the ones consistently there for me. And now they're both gone. On one hand I just want to give up because my life is a fucking joke, a sad pathetic excuse where I fail to do anything and I'm powerless and hopeless. But a small part of me wants to learn from the grief and try to make meaningful changes for my future self. How? Why? I just want to find peace in my life, but this cruel life and world won't give me any.

I have this fear that I am manipulative or toxic towards my partner and I don't know why. Like I am always scared that I unconsciously hurt my partner. I'd say that I know this isn't true but I am not very sure. My girlfriend does tell me that I am not toxic or manipulative, but I believe that I am because what if I am 'secretly' hurting her?? I don't know how to get rid of this fear :(

Hey all. Having a rough day . On a rollercoaster of emotions . I could really just use someone who gets what I’m talking about for once. I have no one in my life I know with bpd and I feel so alone . I would prefer if you were closer to my age . I would love to be a support for you as well

like your mind blanks out and suddenly you have no idea who you are or how to answer the question. my partner has been realizing most of what he knows about me is literally in connection to him because i literally have nothing else i suppose. so he tries to ask me question to know things about me that arent things we have in common and all i can say is "i dont know. im blanking." and i feel like it's driving him away because i dunno. he might think im hiding stuff? we're almost been together for two years and i cant tell him anything about me unless its in relation to someone else... im just frustrated.

I feel so empty all the time and nothing can fill the endless void inside of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I only loom forward to sleeping because when I dream it’s beautiful and I feel happy and they’re so fun. Everyday is the same and everyone is distancing themselves away from me. School is hard and I can’t even do my homework without struggling. My brain feels slow now and I’m thinking too much but I realized it’s been so weird for me for two years since 2020. There’s like this hole that’s missing and I’ve tried everything to treat it but nothing works. I’ve tried smoking, drinking and mindless sex that means nothing to try and feel something but nothing ever works. It leaves me more hurt knowing I’m just a loser that’s worthless and has no skills. I have no hobbies and I’m so alone. I want to end it all but I know only my mother and dog love me. I dont know what else to do except take my medication and wait the next day but the next day is always the same. Everyday is a cycle of me being stuck in my head. I just wish I could be genuinely happy again like how I was three years ago when I had nothing to worry about. I’m about to turn 18 and I’ve done nothing in my life. I never made my parents proud. Everyone hates me at school. I’m not smart. I’m not attractive. I’m not skinny. I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’m that unloveable that only my mom can stand me. When I kill myself in two years I hope I can reincarnate into a waterbear so I can travel to outer space. That’s all, good night.

I dunno how I was able to endure this, but I'm really afraid to die... without me being able to achieve my dreams. I just don't want to be a burden in my family if I die. I cannot say this openly say this things to my friends and family. I just joined this reddit group, I really want to vent this, because it is somehow hard to bear. I'm a 20 years old male, I'm obese and I suspect that I might have cancer or something in stomach or colon. I've been not feeling well sometimes. I cannot afford colonoscopy, and I try to be a working student so I can be a help and for me to do health check ups, however the covid spike again here in my country so that is why I cannot go to the hospitals because the health care workers are overwhelmed and I resigned in my work because BPO is stressful for me. I'm really sorry... it is just hard sometimes, I try to cope by playing games, but the thought been recurring.

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I know I sound stupid so heres the stuff that will make you guys point and laugh at me I'm 13 years old (almost 14). I grew up without a dad for most of my life, he left when I was around 5-6 years old, he was an abusive alcoholic and I remember seeing my brother being beaten, I remember every time he was yelling. Right now I live with an abusive mother who never helped me and I don't consider her as my "mom" anymore, my brother just doesn't care about me and the only thing he ever says to me is when he wants me to wash the dishes after him. I've been to 2 schools already (now in 3rd school, a private one). first one was full of violence and abusive people, second one was slightly "better", but some people tried to r*pe me. I had good grades in those schools and now in my current one(now they're worse), my "mom" only looks at my grades. Whenever Im sick, Im forced to go to school. She doesn't care about anything else than my grades. She keeps calling me and my grades (that got worse because of my mental health) a joke. I have a 50/50 chance to be either left alone or yelled at by my mom after going back home from anywhere (mostly school since Im an introvert). Whenever I cry for some reason (actually all of them are caused by her), she will absolutely start yelling at me. She yells, yells and sometimes she stops (her record was until 1 am). I can't do this shit anymore. I want to be a rotting corpse. I have no hope. everytime I have to go back home, Im scared to do so because of her. I want to die. As Im writing this, I don't have much time since I have to stop crying and go places, I can't cover up all of the shit that happened in my miserable life. Im really sorry for my awful english, its never good enough for anyone (even my mom, we're literally fucking foreigners and she barely understands it.) Congratulations, you just wasted your time on reading my shit. I dont expect anyone to respond.

Even though I am a nobody. I feel so alone that it overwhelms me. I just want to scream I don’t know what to do

I mean just the title. Does anyone want to go make a lil bipolar part of r place? It would be cool to represent bipolar people in a positive way on the internet! Pls help

Is "memory loss, acting serious, mature like 40(im teen) losing interest in things, and just being not so talkative and introvert with anxiety" symptoms of depression, because these are things how parents etc describe me

For parents of a young adult with SMI and other invisible illnesses, what is your role in being supportive /accepting versus pushing for/advocating they add responsibility or become independent? For young adults with mental illness, what has been most helpful, the people telling you "you can do it", giving deadlines or ultimatums to let you see that you "can"? Or, the person who believes that adding responsibility and gaining independence will happen in it's own time, with both more maturity and better treatment? My child has many challenges, with both mental health and physical health. All their illnesses are "invisible". My long term philosophy has been that they have the ability to create a fulfilling, meaningful life, but it will be in their own terms and timeline. I have felt as parents our role is to provide resources, support and acceptance as they take that journey. I find so many more people have an expectations of grow up, get out, not my responsibility any more. Or I feel like parents value giving support as long as their child is reaching milestones their peers are (we'll support you as long as you're in school/working/paying your own way. If this is you/your parents, looking back, what did you need-, the push or the space? Thank you.

My anxiety has gotten so bad that I'm starting to have bad thoughts. I have no one to talk to about it and the one person who I could talk to about it, isn't really around lately. I'm alone and don't know what to do. All I want to do is sleep because sleeping is better than being awake at this point. I'm lost and I'm starting to believe I lost myself completely. And maybe I'm saying that because I think I lost the most important person in my life? I don't know anymore. He always calmed me down and now it's basically radio silence. I'm so fucking lost. My anxiety has just gone through the damn roof lately. And my anxiety has turned to sadness and irritation? I.. I give up.

I’m currently on mirena and have been for at least 2 1/2 yrs. aside from the first few weeks I got it, I haven’t had any problems physically. However, recently with my ex bf I would have serious pelvic pain during intercourse. Found out I had cysts developing on my ovaries and that the two could be correlated. I strongly believe that the hormonal iuds are demonic, our bodies are not meant to be messed with like that especially our whole reproductive organ system and because of the wide range of symptoms it could cause that are unknown. I’ve had mood swings, depression, and anxiety and honestly feel that they are attributed to the hormones being released into my body. These mental illnesses are evil and doctors are not to be trusted to be prescribing hormones as medication. I plan to get my iud taken out as soon as I can in hopes to heal mentally/emotionally. Not be so “hormonal” and be able to find peace in my life. Wondering if anyone feels the same…

I can't let go of the past, I can't stop thinking about my mistakes and regrets. The wrongs people have done to me and I done to them, i can't stop missing a lying asshole. I miss you everyday, i can't stop thinking of the fun we had. I know I am obessesed but i have nothing but loneliness and anger left.

I don’t even smoke regularly. Maybe about once a month.

when i'm "in love" or being lustful after someone, i feel like i'm in my element. i'm creative, i'm full of energy, when i'm not longing for another person i feel really depressed and empty. even the pain of being in love i prefer to boredom. i'm not afraid of my love not being reciprocated as much as I'm afraid of the dull of everyday life. i mean i'm BPD so I have very intense abandonment fears, but still, at least i'm feeling something.

BAD PANIC ATTACK It’s midnight and I’ve had the worst cold the last 2 days. I slept all day today and just woke up to my heart racing. I know it’s normal for your heart rate to increase when sick, but I’m scared I’m dying. I am 26f and take metoprolol so I can’t take Advil. I had the WORST headache before going to bed so I took 1 Tylenol. It helped the headache, but now I’m afraid it’s doing damage to my heart. I’m so scared right now, but I’m like 99% sure it’s my anxiety and not something real. That 1% is really strong though I hate this…

Just over text. I am so down right now. I am so scared and empty.

Would you interpret it as a painfully emotional time they’ve gone through or perhaps something else?

It's ridiculous. No one outside of my fiance knows I have deep-seated mood, personality, aggressive disorders. I don't advertise and I sure don't excuse myself from responsibilities to other people or myself. I know I need to work on myself. I know I am a monster at times. I accept myself and try different methods to help myself. I had a friend who used it as an excuse for bad behavior, irresponsibility, flaking, not pursuing anything she wanted to do or be but only being jealous, being ungrateful -- ALL BECAUSE SHE HAS ADHD. These are the ones on whom stereotypes are based and are paraded as examples around social media. They made us look terrible, dangerous, and a lost cause. Overrrr iiit.

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I don't want to continue living if each day is a game of finding out if I'm going to be okay. I've tried to reflect really hard on why I am depressed, and it just comes back to the possibility that my fate was to be this way. My parents fought for a one-way ticket to what they thought was happiness — being refugees in Canada —but it only resulted in a case of family dysfunction. Memories of my childhood filled with domestic abuse, coupled with being poor, bullied, and unwanted only made me seek out the worst ways to gain acceptance and respect from everyone around me. Yet, now that I'm 29 years old, I realized that none of that ever truly mattered because I was trying to find validation by being anyone but myself. And now as I've grown tired of playing a persona I am not, I've slowly revealed my inner feelings in hopes of healing, but with that came came another realization that those I've tried to bond with many years ago are no longer in my life. And so, I have become alone yet again. To appease my pain, I abused drugs, and indulged in perverse pleasures. I engaged in interactions with women that too were hurting, and thought I could find comfort and support. But I never allowed myself to open up this deep love of mine. After all, so many years of abuse led to neglect and the lack of understanding what loving someone truly looked and felt. And I too felt that I was only able to describe my feelings and thoughts with words written on screen. Being unable to communicate these words of affirmation and affection verbally or physically. My emotions were a complete mess. They are a complete mess. And yet I rode each vicious wave, from one friendship and relationship to the next, sometimes crashing hard onto land and sometimes feeling it slowly into ripples and then eventually stillness. I'm worn out now and feeling empty. And it is emptier than what I have in my bank account. Being this old and yet unable to manage my finances properly. Sometimes I wonder if my childhood experiences shaped how I organized my life. Panicking and seeking ways to avoid being hurt, whilst still growing up. Things that I had to do, things that were logically important, had no power once overcome with fear. And everything I've done in life since then has been a series of disorganized and unallocated attempts to make something out of nothing. I have now convinced myself that I am worthless, having tried to find the right path in this life that I had no say in being a part of. This maze of life has so many dead-ends. And after seeing how many good people die and how many bad people live, I think I have finally understood that the reality of my existence is a mere happenstance that will blow away in the wind with time. I think it's over for me. And I am okay with it.

It was a process of 2 assessment and intake meetings. It took like 2 months. Then when it came to the final virtual meeting to see if my meds need changing and whatnot, I fucking bailed. I had one more call to do. Now I'll have to do it from the beginning

I'm 25 and I forgot what it's like, to have dreams and aspirations, to be worth something, to be meaningful. The worst thing is, it just happened. For no reason I stopped loving myself and turned into a person I hate. Every morning I wake up and hate myself for not being dead already. Every evening I fall asleep wishing that this would be the last time. Actually, sleeping is my favourite activity, the only thing I'm good at. I have 0 hobbies, I despise my job and it despises me right back. Any friend I ever had has left me or given up on me. I haven't truly loved anyone, besides my cat, and I don't believe I'm capable of love. I have achieved nothing and I never will. I know this. I'm probably not going to kill myself, I just wish I was never born. I'm a mistake, a waste of space, a consumer, a watcher, an empty shell, the most forgettable person there is. If there was a way to erase myself from existence, I would do it without hesitation. I secretly hope I have cancer or some other deadly diagnosis that would kill me without my active participation. There's just no point to me living.

Does anybody get avoidance anxiety. You’re so anxious that you don’t text people back, don’t go out the house, don’t talk to people. Just sit there anxious and very irritated and can’t focus on anything? If you did, how did you solve this? Medication? Meditation? I used to take a lot of self medicated items but I’m done with all that and just want to be better!! :’(

So I decided to grab one of those sales gigs that pop up around this time. I knew I had anxiety issues but they haven't been nearly as bad as others here. Today we did actual calls for the first time. I spiraled a bit and fucked up my first call. I was assured that I didn't do that bad and there HAS been worse, yet i still found myself shaking a bit. I asked for a small break and got 15 mins to put myself back together and the next calls went better. I haven't felt this bad before and I don't know why.

I was always close to my stepfather. About 2/3 years ago he left without saying goodbye or a reason. That was very hard on me. I just heard that he passed away yesterday. I don't know how to deal with all these emotions.

I am a self diagnosed borderline with no experience with mental health professionals and am incredibly nervous at the thought of bringing my BPD up with one. Do I just say "I think I have BPD" and they'll ask me about my symptoms, or do I have to describe my symptoms to them and just see what they say? I'm sorry if this sounds disjointed or confused, I'm not good with doctors.

I’ve had abnormally bad anxiety since I was young, I learned to “cope” with it on my own throughout my life but eventually was made to get help. Medication and therapy have been working well enough But it always comes back. It will always come back. I can’t escape it because it’s my own brain, it’s me, the fear is me. I wish I were someone else. Someone with an average brain. I envy them all. And people have the nerve to write anxiety off as just “silly little fears”. Why was I born this way.

Something super helpful I've learned to help with my panic attacks, specifically the shortness of breath symptom, is the try and breathe as quietly as possible. I notice that the result of this is it tricks my body into taking relaxed normal breaths again instead of the over breathing which makes it worse. Something about focusing on quieting it down allows you to breathe deeper through the lower abdomin instead of the chest. Helps alot!! Don't get me wrong, it's going to take some consistency and commitment along with patient, especially if you have pretty severe anxiety. Just thought I'd share. Good luck peeps

I dont see a reason to stay. I basically have no friends, I can't keep up in school, my parents are abusive, my siblings love each other but hate me(which I can relate to), I got bullied most of my life, I have FASD so no bright future for me. FASD is also why I'm kinda ugly ngl. Although my classmates talk to everyone but me I know quite a lot about them and I can't take it to see them have a fun time every day while I'm just sitting there not being able to concentrate on my classes because I'm pitting myself. They all literally live my dreams, day by day. They got everything I ever wanted: Nice looks, intelligence, friends, a good family and simply no neurological problems. I hear them talk about traveling Florida, Thailand, Dubai, ... I never traveled anywhere! That jealousy is killing me. I tell myself it'll get better eventually it never will. I'm tired of waiting, there's aways something happening and let's be honest the life expectancy of people with FASD is 30-35. Where's the point in life if you die on day and say: that was a good ⅓ lifetime. I already passed half of 32 years and I'd rather and it now than in 15 years. When ever something good happened to me I would destroy it. I'm too awkward and unskilled to make friends. I don't see a good future/past nor presence.

Yet I would have a thousand things to do: write, draw, go to the beach, read, go out by bike, have dinner with friends, do the garden, clean the house, go shopping, go to work ... etc

For the past six months or so, I've been having a hard time falling asleep. I feel like I have too much adrenaline and some of my voices bother me at night (they have on every medication I've been on so it's not that). I try to watch asmr or relaxing videos, make tea, take melatonin, make a hot water bottle and usually when that all fails, last resort is to take benadryl (which does work). Does anyone have any tips on sleep?

I'm sorry if this seems out of place, I just need to vent... Watching a movie with my significant other and his parents called Firestarter. Essentially a cat in the movie is burned alive because it attacked the main character out of fear. It was 30 seconds of the cat meowing in pain until its fucking finally put out of its misery. Sure, the part was supposed to teach the girl responsibly for her actions when it comes to her abilities, but it could have been written differently. Also in other books and movies like Alita Battle Angle where the small dog dies pissed me the fuck off and made me very anxious when watching the rest of the movie. Sure, I should have looked for animal abuse warnings before watching the movie and prepared myself, but I don't understand why unessasary animal death has to be in media.

I don’t know how to deal with this, it feels like my throat is slowly closing but slightly open to allow for the tiniest bit of air for me to still be alive. But it feels like at any second, my throat will close. I went to the ER tonight because I felt like I was dying, but they said everything was fine and it was most likely my anxiety. But as soon as I get in the car (one of my triggers) it’s back and badder than ever and it frickin sucks. Does anyone else deal with this?? How do you feel better when you do??

i’m at the point where i know he doesn’t like me. he despises talking to me and i know that i only weigh him down emotionally. i can’t accept it though. i’ve tried killing myself and spent time in a psych ward but i’m really wanting to kill myself again. i just want to stop feeling things for this guy, it’s been a year since i met him and i still cry every. single. day. he doesn’t give a shit about me and i’m not pretty enough for him. what do i do to make this stop. i tried cutting contact off but the uncertainty of not knowing if he was in a relationship or not made me stay up at night and hyperventilate. i don’t see any easy way out of this besides suicide.

for the past 2 years about, i’ve been falling deeper and deeper into a big hole that i’m not entirely sure what to do about. in october i had a breakdown that shook me pretty bad, which certainly didn’t help. i like making music a lot but i lose motivation in waves and nobody really cares about or listens to the final product in the end. also i’ve heard people talk about how it helps them get their feelings out but my songs are really personal by nature and it doesn’t really do anything to me. the majority of my friends are online, so i already don’t really get to talk to them that much. recently i’ve started just getting no responses from them whatsoever which is fun. plans fall through a lot because i guess they forget, and i feel so stupid and annoying asking over and over. i just hate playing my dumb little attention games for anyone to notice i’m there or care about me in any capacity. i’ve never been really bad with self harm or suicide so i’m not concerned about that. i think my fear receptors are too strong for me to get a knife anywhere near me in the first place. i’m just not sure what to do anymore besides continue doing what i’m doing and silently spin out with nobody caring. i’ve got a sort of approaching time limit for me to make something of myself or else i’ll end up living pretty poor, which freaks me out. i don’t want to live and die being nothing to nobody.

Second day on meds after being anxious my whole life plus having a family member that’s recently passed away from cancer,bit of a train wreck of emotions tbh hence seeing the doctor so they suggested meds. I feel like the medication is doing its job although idk if its just a placebo effect that I already feel less anxious already or if its actually working, because I actually felt calm attending my classes today and managed to somewhat focus.

Is it normal for it to feel this way? I look around and my eye sight is so weird I’m scared I’m gonna snap.

lately, i’ve found myself jumping to relationship to relationship. each relationship is really good it just fails somehow (usually because of my crazy ass). i just don’t understand it because i know i’m bad at relationships and am super manipulative no matter how hard i try not to be. i don’t want to keep hurting people but i always have the BPD effect on the guys i see and they fall for me and i fall for them fast.

Me and medication do not go at all. I just stop taking it, no matter what it is. Even though I know I need it to help me get better. Even down to antibiotics! I start off with good intentions, routinely taking them. Then my brain switches and I think "ah fuck it. I'll get them later" knowing fine well i have absolutely no intention of getting them later. I lie to myself, and expect myself to believe myself. I really dont understand why I do this, because I know I should be taking them. I cant even get medications for my moods because it's absolutely pointless as I know I will not stick to taking them. The only thing I can think of is that its self sabotage. But why? The mood stabilizers I understand to an extent, because there is a concern of not knowing who I am without the illness and whether I would like myself if I was better blah blah blah. But physically?...is it self harm and self sabotage. I really hate not understanding things and I cant understand myself. I wish I could just take tablets as normal but it's honestly as if another part of my brain takes over and completely disagrees with medication of any form.

I have been dead crying and wanting to die and going through the worst breakdown without any help because in my country you can't have more then 3 therapist appointments in a month and bpd meltdowns are not considered an emergency here. So i loved him so fucking much and he just said me to go and die I'm in so much pain i can't bear it please tell me how to stop thinking about him

I love how we are told to 'talk about it' and 'let it out' but as soon as we actually talk, we are told 'man up' and 'quit being a baby'

What can I do to get help

I'm reading loads of posts here, including mine, about people struggling with bipolar, and feeling hopeless, not seeing a good life ahead. I just want to tell you that I see you, I hear youl. I'm told we have to be patient, that's something we can't really control, but we don't have to be alone. We're all here, together. We'll take each step together, one by one we'll find that elusive light at the end of the tunnel, I'm assured it's definitely there. Stay safe folks, one day (or hour) at a time 💜

Hi guys, I just stumbled across this subreddit a few days ago and while i dont have BPD myself, i have been reading your stories to get a better understanding of how my girlfriend feels sometimes and to try and learn to help her cope better/cope better myself I was wondering if you guys had any advice for me? Or pieces of knowledge you feel i could benefit from? I am very much so in love with my girlfriend and she is very aware of herself, we are both trying to navigate her bpd, some days are better than others as with anything but i want to be the best support system i can be for her, so i am trying to learn everything i can about bpd and your experiences with having it/loving someone with it. I do feel being able to read through here has given me a better idea of what its like to live with it. Any advice is appreciated

suffer from health anxiety and I am really concerned . I have been to the ER and have had multiple scans from my brain 5 CT scans in the last year , 3 abdominal CT scans , and 10 chest x-raya and two neck xray . I have started feeling pain in the left side of my head and feel my like my left shoulder and hands feel weak and like if it dropped and also feel balance issues. I'm worried if all this radiation exposure could have given me cancer. I asked me doctor he said he doesn't think so.

I have been extremely down and crying everyday for a week over the fact that my teen age years are over. I have always been depressed somehow my whole life and i have always been weak or just way too emotional. I have so much regret for how i have treated my mom even when during my best/favorite times in my life but i have always been so angry when other kids were picking on me and i didnt have guts to do anything and felt so fucking alone and grew up hating myself. But 8 years ago i met 2 amazing new friends and couple more through them when i moved to a new city to live with my mom, basically whole new life, i was so fucking happy. That summer or that year was like a fucking paradise and no not because of nostalgia, but in those moments it felt like it also.. but i also regret how i treated some other people, even though it sounds stupid, i had no idea what my behaviour felt like to some other people until now when i look back at it, i had so many haters because of it and i just always thought "oh im getting hate just because i'm me what do they know about me?" (So FUCKING stupid!) I always wanted be loved, extremely nice to people but my anger at myself ruined that completely. And then end of the year one of those 2 best new friends got into a car accident with his moped and can't now do anything, move, speak, etc.. recognize people? yeah but that's it. After that next year was just hanging with wrong people and after that nothing felt same. I know i'm pretty young still, turning 24 soon but my whole life i have always felt like i wouldn't go and live until more than max 30 years. So this sadness feels so soul crushing. I just wanna go and hug mom and hold her forever.

I've been thinking a lot about all the people I used to know who've had an undeniably profound impact on my life. I used to have friends, people I could rely on, and people who genuinely wanted to see the best in me, but we've all moved on from our younger days and I've hardly had any contact with any of them for years. Even if I wanted to reach out, I've slowly lost peoples phone numbers or other methods of contact. I still see them in my dreams sometimes and for a brief moment I feel so at peace, but when wake up I realize just how pathetically alone I am. At one point in time some of these people meant everything to me. I don't understand how I let every single relationship I ever had dwindle. I desperately want to revisit these connections I used to have, but I can't.

I was raised by two extremely sensitive women and in my family sharing a controversial opinion is considered verbal violence. Now one of them lives alone with 4 cats and hasn't left the house in 3 years while the other one has a fake lesbian persona to be accepted and sell tickets to her standup shows. My mother cannot afford to feed herself. She has diabetes and is not supposed to skip meals. Yet she admitted to feeding her 4 cats before feeding herself. Our only boy, who is 12 years old now has a lot of health issues that cost on average 100€ per month. So I told my mother to consider getting rid of at least one cat if she can't survive, saying I would never feed an pet before myself. She said I'm weird, that I shocked her and that she doesn't know who is filling my head. She said i was verbally violent for saying this yet I did not raise my voice, hit or insult anyone or anything. I had a conversation with my wannabe lesbian older sister who only ever gets involved with men with penises, about how you have to be strong in life. She said she doesn't wanna be strong to which I responded "then kill yourself" because, seriously, you're ruining everything for people with brain cells. She said I was yelling yet I have a witness who clearly saw and heard how I was talking normally. That incident proved to me yet again that they do not see things objectively but their perspectives are guided by their emotional state. Telling your own sister to kill herself is normally considered unacceptable to me but when someone is getting more and more hysterical and high pitched and refuses to calm down, schoking them tends to be the only way to shut them up as telling them to calm down only makes them more hysterical. Every criticism is met with hours of crying and playing victim. When I was 16, I told my 23 year old sister she's acting stupid when she's drunk and we spent the whole night with my mother who had to work in the morning, discussing how I'm violent while my sister was crying for hours. Tell me how this is normal. Tell me how being raised in this environment is good for a person. My sister never faced violence or abuse so she feels traumatized and cries for hours when a man checks her out on the street. My mother did face violence from her father which lead her to paint whatever suits her as violence. I never hit my mother. My sister and I fought a lot when we were younger and alone cause she likes to provoke me. She never won a fight against me yet didn't learn to not provoke me. But please do put me on a cocktail of medication for being straightforward without raising my voice. Do diagnose me with a personality disorder as a child and keep telling me how I'm the problem. Guess who always ends up having to apologize. Make my home an unbearable place so I can come home to more shit after getting beaten in school for years. Do keep provoking me so you can be the victim again. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I will snap if I'm provoked enough. But how can you medicate your child when you know they are dealing with violence at school and don't like being provoked? How do you not learn to not provoke me when 10 years ago my therapists told you to let me leave to cool down and not provoke? Don't forget I keep telling you that for years. Whatever makes you feel better, huh?

Who’s down for a Group FaceTime session? Margaritas & new friends!! I have no friends, I recently had to break off the only friendship I had, and I just learned today that my family is tired of me!!! My husband hates me. Shit I have no one left. So for real. Who’s down for drinks & FaceTime we can share our BPD stories. I am 32F - love EDM/Music festivals - my Jeep - and I love making people laugh 🌝💓

Falling abnormally hard and fast for someone is one of the trickiest things I’m dealing with, more so now that I’m aware of its occurrence. Most recently, I ended up in a situation where a classmate I just met this semester and I entered into a platonic friendship (yay for boundaries), and we ended up hanging out the week before everything shut down due to the COVID-19 virus. Long story short, I gave everything I had to this “friend” I had never met before two months ago, and it turns out she was just around “because it was convenient”. I fall fast, I fall hard, I get hurt. Can anyone relate?

How do i stop them

I live in a shithole third world contry. Thankfully I can move out to US in a year. My family was strict and forced their beliefs on me. My fucked up genes. Huge nose which I had to fix surgically, thick black hair and small boobs. I changed so many things in myself to look decent. My teenage years were shit. I was ugly as fuck, lonely, didn't go anywhere. Had to study 10 hours a day. I spent many times crying over my misery. I went to med school. Biggest mistake of my life. Should have run away after high school and went anywhere other than here. Could start as a cashier. Now what am I? A 24 yo med student that is STILL living with parents in a shithole country with more things to study and less time to enjoy life. I can't even take a break on new year. Didn't get to have sexual intercourse and much party in my teens and early twenties. Watched my classmates partying and not inviting me. It was like HELL. Now I have a bf and would party later but it would never ever feel like being a teenager. It's way more exciting when you're a teenager. Now everything os so boring. I've missed out my most exciting years doing nothing fun 😭 Nothing will be better from now on. It's going to get both boring and terrifying. After graduation I'll run away and live in the US, but I'll have to study even more than before and take major exams, and go through residency which means endless work and shifts. I'm so old I hate how old I am getting, I don't want to age this fast. I was 22 when covid started and now I'm 24. These 2 years were the worst. My prime years are going to waste. Everyday I'm getting older I am more terrifed and regretful of my sad life.I don't want to be 25. I am still 22 and it is still 2019😭 Well there are things I should be grateful for but I can't really. I can't even recall them I just know there are some. All I think about is my miseries so I thought maybe writing all of the reasons together can give me a perspective on how miserable I am.

Im a 19 year old male, the past couple of days my body has just been mentally exhausted. I’ve been experiencing weak movements all over my body and I just want to sleep all day. I’m jobless and I’ve got no money and also I’ve bills to pay. I’m at that point in my life where I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I’m lonely all the time, I pray to god everyday to protect me and to get rid of all the bad. I’m just mentally drained by living like this. I’m just a lost person and I’m sorry for what I am

so tonight i was in a really great mood, my coworker showed up 30 minutes early so i got to leave earlier than usual which is nice since i work late... i had plans with my bf to come over after i got off like normal... to find out he was at his friends house and didn't tell me which is fine ig, not that big of a deal. so two hours later, he gets home and i finally get to his house. we go get food and i told him on sunday that i made plans to hang out with my cousin and i asked him if he wanted to go with me and he said sure... and then says he has plans on monday to hang out with his friend hannah (random name) also (didn't tell me what they were gonna do or even invite me because this would be the first time he's hung out with her unless he's lied to me and seen her before) and i immediately shifted energies because i recognized the name but not because he's mentioned her before.. i've seen her name on his snapchat and they have like a 20 something day streak and we don't even have that. but i didn't say anything because i don't want to come off "crazy". i don't know if i should bring it up to him but i feel really insecure about the situation but i'm scared he will take it the wrong way. i don't know how to express to him that i'm worried about this girl and the only way i am expressing my feelings to him is by being distant to avoid getting hurt :((((( i need advice 😞

I have, and couldn't say this with enough joy and thanks, been completely stable since May this year. Like so many others I felt like I'd done everything right and tried everything possible to be stable, then suddenly over a couple of weeks it just all fell into place and my symptoms just ground to a halt. I couldn't be more grateful and it really does feel like a miracle. But of course I fully expect it to come back even though I'm following all advice to keep it at bay. I often analyse myself to check for red flags in my behaviour but I'm finding that often I'm becoming paranoid and reading too much into myself. My friends and family have all noticed that I am myself again and are completely overjoyed. In the last few months I've gotten out of a terrible relationship, repaired and nurtured so many (almost) lost friendships and brought a lot of joy back to my life. Recently I met someone who is absolutely perfect and I'm almost constantly slightly euphoric. But I can't shake this feeling that this happiness is shifting into mania, in the last couple of weeks my sleep has become really disturbed, which for me if often a red flag - though it is making me very tired which is not usual for my mania. And I have suffered from bouts of insomnia before. I also without fail have a manic sweep up to Christmas every year - I can't remember a year where I haven't had this. But I do actually think I might just be having a really good time for once? Not meant to brag! I really am so grateful! I think I'm worried that even though I have managed to be stable - I'll always still feel like the experience I'm having isn't authentic and feel this crushing worry that its all going to fall down again? Sorry a bit of a rant ! Would be lovely to know if other people have been able to find peace living under the threat of regression? And if anyone has found that being happy has pushed them into mania?

I have been writing daily journal/diary for a while and I noticed that there's always either nothing in my head or full of negative/intrusive thoughts. My journal is never a total happy day. Maybe I'm happy for a certain amount of time but once a get some thoughts I will often go down in a spiral. I would say that my past has affected me a lot more than I think, I have gotten into depression for an entire year before because of a friendship. I am still bothered by my past in a way and there are things that I have done that I can't forgive myself for, and one of the mistake is something I can't accept even though my partner has forgiven me. I did have some real event ocd because of what I did and even had false memory ocd at a point in time. There are days or just the next hours/seconds after feeling sad, I feel positive and motivated, but that feeling don't last much. I find myself dreading to go to work, I feel so difficult to find motivation, I don't feel that I know what I want in life, I don't have a clear plan, I don't feel I deserve my partner's love especially after a mistake I made that I cannot forgive myself for. I feel ashamed and regret that I done something to someone that I love so much. I don't know if anyone feels this way here, I do feel "disassociated" in a way. This has been on for years honestly. I have a hard time focusing in conversations, even with my friends, family, partner. Sometimes, I can't understand what they are saying or feel they are speaking too fast during the conversation. Most of the time I can actually forget what they said right after a conversation or even during the conversation. This also makes it hard for me to study. I have been seeing a psychologist for only two sessions as of now, I wish I can go every week because I feel I need it. However its expensive so i just have it twice a month. I don't earn much and going twice a month restricts me from saving as much as before. I don't really think I can explain in detail here about myself and I can't 100% confirm I have depression because I am not clinically diagnosed. I know for a fact that I want to get better but I always fall back into the same place. It does feel impossible at this point and also I ruminate so much even about the smallest things. I'm tired from rumination and how these stuff affects my life. One day I feel I can conquer everything and change my entire mindset, the next moment/day I just feel the same old negative self is back. I have a rough day this morning and honestly typing this out feels much better.

It is completely insane how stupidly my brain reacts to things, or lack of them. I am usually anxious about everything that's going on with me and if something causes me to be extra anxious I take it as the task/situation being important to me and me putting extra efforts into it. Recently I started a new job- my first full time job and it is completely remove. I have had minimal work with my Manager mostly just ignoring me or involving me in grunt tasks. While the organisation and the industry is known for its high paced work environment it has been chill for me. I get a lot of time to play with my dog and do baking. And yet it's making me anxious I'm supposed to like this slow, introductory phase. My boyfriend works in the same industry and constantly complaints about the high pressure job. He keeps reminding me to enjoy this period but I can't. I keep feeling like something is wrong, that I should be working late hours, complaining about meetings, be stressed about deadlines- but I am not. And this is causing me nerve racking anxiety. I'm obsessively checking my emails and log in an hour early and log out an hour late, log in on weekends and do everything just to ensure I'm not doing anything wrong. I know for a fact if I had been doing the full extent of work I'd be a nervous mess due to the work pressure so it's extra annoying to be anxious without any work induced stress. I get that my behavior is irrational and is annoying. I'm not expecting any advices just wanted to rant about the impossible situation.

Does anyone have this. It’s happen twice now once in March and happening again right now. Manic attack was May 31 this started this morning.

I pretty for the most part overcame social anxiety with this method. But does it work for others like performance anxiety in bed?

I hate to be dramatic but I have triggers that send me into panic and lately it’s been so many things, even stupid things. I can’t deal with it. I’m having a breakdown currently, I got medicated a few days ago but It’s still not working, and it’s so bad. No one takes me seriously, I just want to go to the hospital for maybe like something to calm me rn but idk. I just don’t know what will make this stop it’s ruining my happiness and sanity. I tried getting out and doing stuff but i think just any little thing I overthink about, like stuff that’s ridiculous. I just want to be normal...

My mom told me through messages my grandpa isn’t doing well last period of school and I started crying a little in my free period (only a few of us and there was a sub) and then I left. And where does my mind go? I hope no one thinks I’m high. I don’t even smoke. And I think it was kind of obvious if anyone noticed that I was crying. Ugh why do I think about all these things

There are days where I feel wanted but only for short periods of time. Most of the time I feel as if I am being used or misled. I don’t feel the love of care is ever genuine from those around me. At the back of my mind, I truly feel as if I am unworthy of love. I don’t feel anyone will ever commit to me and so I always wonder if I should just be alone and save people their time as well as mine. I also hate being the jealous type and then pulling back by being emotionally unavailable. One day I’m obsessively attached and the next I am detached.

Yesterday, we lost our uncle. I thought I'm feeling much better today, turns out I'm not. Then an earthquake of magnitude 6 hit us made it worse. I don't know how to process all these emotions. I feel like I'm back to square one again. I'm losing in this game and I hate it so much. I've drowned myself in movies, tv series, anime and manga, but nothing seemed to work. I want to run away and have coffee without being afraid of the consequences.

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that’s all. that’s it. i’m 200 pounds now. it hurts. i just wish i was normal

I have an abusive dad, a mother who can't emotionally support me but falls short (through no fault of her own, she tries, but she's had a very hard life), 2 sisters who have both said they can't be their for me emotionally, one of which ignored me for over a month when I asked her if she knew a good hospital too go to in our area for mental health (she works as a nurse at a hospital, mental health is not her expertise but I thought she might be able to point me somewhere) Today. Today was an exceptionally bad day. I haven't been sleeping and I totally broke today after several days of next to no restful sleep. I've been so stressed even the sleep I do get is plagued by nightmares. I dont feel connected to this family at all. There are 2 states I have thought about moving too, as well as a brief notion that maybe I could just leave the U.S. I could just change my name, switch phone numbers, and move. There's literally no reason to stay. The most me and my sisters have really talked over the last few years is just to say happy birthday too each other. I don't belong here in any capacity, but I don't know how to just move on.

My SO suffers from depression, and it comes in waves. Some days he is fine, other days he is feeling so down that all wants to do is hide or sleep. I want to help him but I don’t know how. I read online I should listen more and be supportive, but is there more I can do for him?

i absolutely hate this symptom of anxiety. especially because it's so easy to think it's not anxiety but rather a gut feeling that something absolutely WILL go wrong. when i have the feeling of impending doom, i don't even have any other anxiety symptoms. it always strikes me out of nowhere, when i'm feeling really good. and then suddenly i'm preparing myself for all of these horrible things that could happen. my dad calls it the '800 pound gorilla in the room' and that's exactly what it feels like. just that something horrible could happen at absolutely any moment. i hate it.

I have a very minimal work experience despite having graduated university recently. When I say minimal I mean like 3 months, in something that's so low barrier entry and useless, but I needed to do something. I majored in business because I didn't know what to do. I should have done something that would lead to low profile jobs like lab technician but its too late and I dunno if thats for me either. The sad thing is, I don't even have full blown anxiety, I just let myself run away from every little thing that could cause anxiety and I know its for the worse. I barely grew as a person while my peers made strides. I spent most of my time inside the house because my classes were remote. Not saying it would be any different if I was on campus, it was actually more depressing because I was forced to be in the environment where I had no connection to others. But I put off applying to things, just suffered through my occasional group projects and didn't do what many people go to college for, which is set myself up for a career. I graduated a month ago and looked for jobs that wouldn't even consider me due to my barren experience. I only received a few phone calls and "interviews" with literal temp agencies, some which were scams. One of the "interviews" almost made me throw up beforehand because of the anxiety. I have no experience, no stomach for dealing with the process, and even if I do, my lack of experience puts me at a disadvantage already. I just refused to even send my resume to a recruiter because the job seemed daunting. I made an excuse that the commute was too long, it was 30 minutes so not even that long. I told myself that I wouldn't be getting the job anyway because I lack experience. It involved customer interaction and just seemed like too much, and I'm gonna be bad at it, but I know I am preventing my personal growth. I even thought of getting into a notorious 70 hour stressful work week delivering mail, but it feels wrong to get into this. I think of the potential future where I was brave enough to get into jobs that require college degrees, and I can just settle for something low stress that pays less in an office. But I can't stomach it for some reason. I hate it

Hi. I like to wear beanies (the little hats) and I have Borderline Personality. I'm the biological mother to 4 beautiful babies. I chose adoption for my babies (who are 6yo, 4yo, 3yo, and 2yo) and then got my tubes tied (tubal ligation). 3 of my babies are being raised by the same adoptive couple. The other is being raised by her biological father. I, personally, chose adoption for her, but he didn't. He decided to raise her. I think he could be dx'd with Narcissistic Personality (but he's covert about it). BPD is not known to be genetic, but my dad and I both have Borderline Personality. He had an emotionally neglectful mother. I have a crappy mother who emotionally neglected me (and my sister), allowed abuse to happen to me, and then left me - with my abuser (my dad). I'm rambling, I think. Any way... hi. :P