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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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Just wanted to share a positive experience that happened to me yesterday. I have been diagnosed with BPD almost 10 years ago. I am in my early 30s now and am able to look after myself whilst being entirely financially independent, not having any close family, friends, any form of social support and living abroad by myself. ​ I have moved to a foreign country 1.5 years ago to start a new job. A colleague of mine (a female who is also in her early 30s and started working there around the same time as I did) and I got along well at first, but she suddenly went 180 on me without any real reason. She started to become popular amongst the other colleagues and gradually started to ostracize me from the group. She would not acknowledge me in any way for months (i.e. not say hello, not address me, she even once brought chocolate to the office for Easter and offered it to everyone EXCEPT me). It was truly bizarre. When I tried resolving the situation with her informally and suggested that we talk to understand what her problem was, she refused to do so and continued to treat me in this manner. I raised this to my manager and HR, who did nothing to help me. Being a grown woman and a former team leader, I found this type of behavior extremely petty and unprofessional that I would personally never allow in an office environment. What made it even more bizarre is that we sat back-to-back all this time and only communicated via email. ​ During this time I was suffering from burnout symptoms and my BPD and PTSD flared up. She was unaware of this, but her behavior was extremely hurtful to me, a person all by herself in a new country, in a new job, being alienated in the one place where she has minimal social interaction: the office. I have also recently lost my mother (which she also didn't know) and on the grand scheme of things the fact that his one woman from work didn't talk to me wasn't really in my "top 50 problems of my life" category, it definitely hurt. ​ I was very triggered, and my BPD self often was tempted to let my anger get the best of me (especially when HR/management did nothing to support) and just tell her exactly how petty and pathetic her behavior is, but I reminded myself that I have sacrificed too much and worked too hard to give in to this trigger. If I let her see just how aggravated I am, she wins. So I "ignored her ignoring me" and just went about my job, keeping it professional. It was difficult and I knew it wasn't fair, but I just took it one day at a time and stayed cool as a cucumber in front of her. I expressed my anger in other, more creative ways. I went for my dramatic make-up looks and let my eyes do all the talking and I kept a journal. I also discussed my anger in therapy, which I religiously adhered to on a weekly basis (and still do). ​ Fast forward 3-4 months. I had a breakdown and had to take some time off work. It was not due to this woman but due to my burnout and other personal issues. I came back to work and throughout the weeks, we started to talk again as colleagues. I let her make the first move. She wanted to invite me out for coffee so we talk it out, but I remembered how she rejected me when I suggested this months ago so I thanked her for the invite but instead suggested that we meet within the office and just keep our conversations work-focused. I reassured her that I will support her in terms of work, but I also wanted to show that I am not interested in being friendly beyond work and it was important for me to set that boundary. With time, things went back to normal and though I would not say we are friends, but we are courteous and professional. My anger and hurt is gone and I just look at her as another colleague. ​ Yesterday she confided in me that she is struggling with depression and anxiety. I was surprised to learn that as from the outside she seems very outgoing and sociable. She also confessed that she is having problems with other team members, who have turned against her and she feels isolated from the group. That truly came as a shock. She turned to me and said: "This is what I get for doing what I did to you; it's karma. Back then I wanted to turn them against you and now they have turned against me. I deserve it." Her honestly shocked me, but I also respected it. I felt no sense of justice, nor was I glad that she "got what she deserves". I felt bad for her. I was able to tell her how she made me feel months ago (without going into detail about my BPD or the loss of my mother), but I also told her that I'm glad we were able to talk it out and move past it and reassured her that I won't treat her the way the others do or she treated me. ​ She seemed genuinely grateful and she hugged me. I could see she was holding tears back. The reason I am sharing this is because 3-4 months ago I was consumed by anger against this person. Today I see her just like another imperfect human being. I felt relieved as I neither wished her any harm, nor did I feel any great attachment towards her, and I knew that my reaction was within the range of what would be considered 'healthy' and 'reasonable'. It was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders - although I did feel sad for her.

hey guys, in the past i have found that depoprovera seriously fucked up my already severe depression & anxiety. i have been off of it for 4 months now, and doing much better but i met someone new recently, and birth control is something i have to think about again which i am currently dreading. i seriously never want to be the person i was on depo ever again, i hurt so many people and felt like absolute garbage constantly. what birth control methods work best for you guys? any recommendations? any methods other than depo that i should definitely steer clear of? please help, i have talked to my doctor about this and she recommended the IUD but after doing my research i found that IUD isn't really any better as it is a hormonal method. i also feel like my doctor is trying to get me to switch to the most expensive option because the healthcare system is fucked.

Been taking 10mg paxil for a week now. Been sleeping 15 hours a day for 3 days straight, I feel weak and I don't have any muscle strength. I feel like I'm about to get a cold. Currently taking Tylenol in hope that can resolve the issue. Normal?

anyone else been in this situation? getting anxiety & anxiety attacks at work is the norm for me, but last week i got a panic attack in there, which made me think i would die so i ran away. today i plan to take a benzo before i go, just to feel bit safer. i fear another attack because im scared im gonna embarrass myself. i guess i dont want to appear "weak" & vulnerable in front of my coworkers. :(

I’m so alone just existing for the sake of it the loneliness is eating me up touch starved they call it. Hating everything about me I’ve spent years feeling this way hoping for a better tomorrow and I’m still in the same position I was in college with the stress seeing others talking having fun socialising while I’m stuck in my head I’ve took a lot of thought of myself these past days and I think ending it is not so bad after all family are distant with me except for my mother but I just doesn’t feel enough I don’t even know what I want from life or what I’m even aiming for it’s like I’m just along for this miserable ride to I eventually die I just don’t know anymore I brought a noose and I look at it as away out of this feels like the times I enjoyed living when I was a kid has just dried up and I feel like a old man like my life is just ended  What does it mean to be happy? Satisfied

I find myself looking out for sources of nostalgia purposefully. When I was younger, I so wanted to grow up. I had depression since I was younger and always had thoughts of running away or committing suicide. Suddenly I'm still here and wondering what's next. I know that it really is a cliche to be afraid of growing up, but I guess I just realized how much that situation really applies to me. It struck me especially after my cousin, who is 4 years younger than me told me how she didn't want to grow up. This was when I took her to a playground. It had been so long since we did that kind of stuff, typical kid stuff. We played around, slid down slides. I'm 17 years old and I was having a blast running around. We were on the swings when she told me how she still watches the family vlog videos we used to watch when we were younger. We weren't in bad situations at home, but we weren't particularly happy. These family vlog videos always felt like a dream, something we could've been instead of what we were. I never realised how much I actually relate to her when she told me that. Then I started chasing that feeling of nostalgia, that same feeling I felt when we were at the park and when we were talking about what we used to do when we were younger. I never thought I'll even make it past 15. I thought I would've died long ago. And suddenly the fear that I may actually have to grow up sinks in. I have a plan for adulthood. Like a proper plan on what I should do physically. Go to university, get a job, get good money, etc etc. Not a good plan but it's a start. I don't have a plan on how I should feel. I felt so grown up when I was little and suddenly I feel like such a child now. I remember how ignorant I was at everything around me. Family funerals and problems didn't strike much as now. The situation I am in now didn't change much, yet somehow it didn't seem like such a big deal to younger me. I miss being so.... ignorant. So childish. I want to feel excited whenever my dad came around, I want to feel comfortable in my own house, I want to feel the ignorance of my mom's emotional neglect as I kept trying to get her attention thinking that "she'll see me soon, she'll see me if I do this or get that...", I want to sit silently on the couch daydreaming for hours at my grandmother's house, I want to feel scared of the dark, I want to feel the simple fear of being abandoned by my parents again Everything just was so simple to me before. I don't think of the complexity of situations. I just take it as it is and it just works. Happy, sad, anger, fear, it was just simple emotions. I don't know exactly how I feel now. I still watch cartoon channels and have the urge to buy things like small toys that I used to play with just for the sake of the nostalgia. I watch the same YouTube channels I used to watch when I was younger cuddled up with my cousin on the couch. I remember passing the time watching animations, singing songs and pretending we were imaginary characters, watching dumb movies while my mom went to work. I never thought I would still be here. I don't know what's next for me. God I just want to fucking die yet I'm so tired of wanting just that. I don't know. I don't know.

Anyone else with extreme anxiety problems and panic attacks/ complete shut down when it comes to decision making ever managed to purchase a home? The whole process has me completely overwhelmed and the state of the market has me not sleeping and anything I’ve managed to get under contract I’ve freaked out and pulled out of the deal and then regretted and keep talking myself in circles and just end up defeated angry and depressed and feeling like I’ll never own a home and I’m my own worst enemy. Any words of wisdom or shared experiences? Disclaimer: one of the only reasons I’m in the position to even consider buying a home is bc I tend to get a bit obsessive over work , secured a decent job and have been living at home saving up for years

On my first 10 min break, a woman by the name of Mary spoke to me. She was a customer and the two of us sat outside and talked. She felt my shirt breaks were unfair for an 8-9 hour work shift. She told me, since I had recently graduated, that there are getter jobs out there. She gave me some suggestions. I was feeling a lack of hope since I have a toxic home life/dislike my current cashier job. Thank you Mary :)

Does anyone else experience this? It seems like whenever I have these long episodes of really bad anxiety I tend to wake up with my legs drenched in sweat and I can’t get a decent full nights sleep.. my chest feels so tight and my stomach feels so tight as well and it’s almost like I can’t breath i hate this feeling so much.

I feel like the world is out to get me sometimes. I know I've always had hard anxiety, but lately its been bad. I don't know what it is, I thought it was the weed, but I haven't smoked weed in a week, and I still feel it. Maybe it is, its just a lasting effect. I been slowly easing off of it... Is there anything anyone recommends?

Does anyone ever feel like they feel misunderstood? Like no matter how much you try to tell people about how much everything bothers you, it just falls on deaf ears? Even just typing this now don’t you feel some apprehension in your chest? A tightness accompanied by a degrading voice? Perhaps it says you’re acting like a baby or maybe that you’re just overreacting and it’s actually all your fault? I’m so tired of trying to tell people who are suppose to be really near and dear to me about my issues only to just be met with some disappointed sigh or annoyed tone. I literally just want a hug and to be told everything will be okay sometimes. I don’t want a whole talk about fixing my issues that I can’t even figure out on my own. People will preach about how tolerant of mental health they are but as soon as they actually see someone struggling it’s met with some uncomfortable reaction or just gets shut down.

So I'm thinking of going to one tomorrow. But this is one for mental health in general and not BPD as there isn't a lot of support groups where I live. But I don't know if it'll help or make me feel worse seeing as I've been so isolated lately. Has it helped anyone? It's just I know how low I can get if I just end up embarrassing myself, so I'm a bit on the fence. And I'm on a zero hour contract at work so there's not much to distract me. I don't know, I can always see what it's like and not go, I was just curious what people's experiences were.

During winter 2020-2021 I had 3 family members die of COVID, one of my brother's diagnosed with brain cancer and the other brother with epilepsy (doctors were hoping it was a one time seizure until then). As a result of this and likely social media, I've become so triggered by people not following COVID protocols, anti vaxxers/maskers and social media. I deleted tiktok, reduced communication with some friends but I even went off on an antimasker at Walmart in the summer. I recently moved out of my apartment partially because my landlord refused to wear a mask during inspection(it was actually the law at that time and a week before I was taking a trip to see one of my brothers). Does anyone else deal with this anxiety? I've been trying to get back to my normal life pre COVID or even trying to figure out what my new life is but my anxiety has gotten to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy majority of my time. However, when I think about how alone I am and how I really don’t have many friends, I get depressed. It’s not easy for me to make friends already as it is and I’m the type of person that craves socialization, it brings so much joy to me. But that happens rarely and I’m usually just alone and cry about it at night....

I am miserable right now… I almost fell asleep on the couch but didn’t want my back to hurt soo I went to bed. Smart thing to do right? But now I literally cannot fall asleep. Every time I close my eyes to sleep I jolt awake and it’s me so anxious for some reason. Im so tired but I just can’t fall asleep and it’s making my anxiety get bad. I know it’s just a simple thing that everyone deals with from time to time, but it still makes me worried that something is wrong. Ugh this is awful… hope everyone else is getting a good nights sleep though

An online counsellor told my boyfriend he is "almost certain he has OCD" and he fits the DSM criteria from what I've observed in him. His OCD mostly centres on the fear of offending God, trying to work out if he is in the right relationship and the fear of secretly being/becoming a pedo. I feel like he is harmless as he seems like such a sweet, moral person, the kind that saves bugs, can't even watch violent or scary films and is super polite to everyone he meets. At the same time, I'm scared I'm making a massive mistake and maybe I'm a bad person for staying with someone that has such thoughts, even if he hates them and says they are OCD, seeing as we want to have kids some day. My parents think he is amazing and maybe if they knew this they would tell me to leave him? Are people with OCD safe to be around?

I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible person. This was the best job I ever had and I had to give it up because of my stupid, fucked up brain not working right. I've struggled my whole life being mentally ill. From when I was a young child. It's never going to end, is it? I've been having hallucinations, dissociation, dizzyness. Probably side effects of my new medicine. I can't get out of bed at all. I let everyone down. I let my husband down. My mom down. She was so excited for me to get this job and she doesn't understand anything about mental illness. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her. I was working in Healthcare and I was so proud of it. But every day was a major struggle. Now I just have a bunch of scrubs for no reason. I'm just heartbroken and I don't want to live.

I am in a contract based laborer where I won’t be released until mid-June (if I leave early I could be fined and would lose my certification) and I am MISERABLE. Since coming back from the holidays, I have woken up with my heart pounding so hard in my chest I can physically see it under my ribs/near my diaphragm. I dry heave for several minutes before getting over it and moving on with my day. For a while, I couldn’t eat… now I can snack in the day and eat dinner at night. I’m afraid of getting in trouble at work. Right now I have a big project due in a week, and I’m hoping maybe things be better after. I’ve tried everything to calm my anxiety— I get plenty of sleep, I quit drinking, and don’t drink coffee or caffeine anymore What can I do to get myself through until this contract ends?

More specifically, my boyfriends best friend. Please don’t be quick to judge me, I haven’t acted on any of it. I won’t act on any of it. We have become closer as the three of us are always hanging out. He has went through a traumatic childhood and opened up to me about a bunch of things. I can’t help but feel connected to him. I’ve convinced myself we have some sort of secret connection or something. I absolutely adore my boyfriend, I would never want to hurt him. Also this secret connection is all in my head. I feel sick if he doesn’t reply though, he’s all I can think about. I also find myself zoning out and suddenly I’ve been daydreaming about him for minutes. I shouldn’t be feeling this way about my boyfriends best friend. How do you get people off your mind? Also I work with him, not as simple as just not seeing him.

I (23F) have never been formally diagnosed with clinical depression but I’ve been suffering from symptoms of it from when I was 13 yrs old. I’ve more or less tolerated it since I had no one I could really talk to about it, and to my parents and therapists I’ve seen, they didn’t seem too concerned so I thought it normal for a long time. My focus on my studies helped me to distract me from this, but it has been more difficult to do so recently, maybe because of COVID or because of some life-changing decisions I’ve made. I realize that my outlook on life has reached a point of pessimism where I resolve every mental discomfort with the thought of offing myself. I’ve grown apathetic towards the hobbies that I used to enjoy especially now that I have more time to do them. I tried to reach out to past friends but they have not responded, which has sunk me into a lonelier void. I realized that I don’t have anything to look forward to in my future, and the thought that no one would miss me if I were to disappear becomes more convincing with my siblings moving out of the house and on with their lives and my parents continued disinterest in my struggle, which I feel scares me more and more each day into doing something I might regret. I feel emotionally stagnant but still have a will to do something with my life while I still can, something impactful and true to myself. I’ve gone through so many volunteer and part-time jobs in an effort to find what I enjoy but I seem to fall out of interest every time. I’m just not sure how to approach finding meaning when there are so many mental blocks dissuading me from making an effort. I’m open to any advice that could help me.

I don't need advices like you will find someone better or dump him and so on. Short story is we fought over fiancial matters and he called me different names and so on. Even things like: Shut  the fuck up and move on bitchByeeeeAren't  you tired of playing  a grown ass man bitch! And after few hours he blocked me What I am asking is if it's good idea to delete all my apps or leave them in case he contacts again. This shit has happened for 11th (the blocking shit)

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Around 2009 it got to the point that I decided to seek professional help. I was diagnosed with GAD, social phobia and MDD. I've been seeing the same psychiatrist the entire time. We have tried close to a dozen different medications to help with my anxiety and nothing had worked. The ones I can remember off the top of my head are Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Buspar, Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin. I know there are others that I can't remember. At one point she even had me try Ritalin and Adderall because I told her that my high anxiety in the morning seemed to lower when I had coffee or energy drinks. I've also tried two different therapists with no success. I have tried exposure in the forms of volunteering and I currently have a management job in retail. None of this has helped at all. It feels like my anxiety is worse than ever. I am ALWAYS on edge. I can't sleep (tried numerous prescription and OTC sleep meds) so I have no energy to do anything and my mind is always foggy and I don't feel like I can think straight anymore. I'm 43 years old and can't even make a simple phone call. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I'm starting to wonder if I should just cancel and not even bother with seeing one any more. I've been unmedicated for several years and I don't have much hope that retrying anything I've used before, or anything new for that matter, will help. But I don't know what else to do and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

People view me as a quiet person, I always feel like my opinions or words don’t matter or wouldn’t make much of a difference to anything so I just don’t speak. I lack originality and personality. I don’t know how I would climb out of this shell of mine. It’s easier to say nothing at all but I wish to try. I want to.

Ever since I found out I have BPD, I'm having a really hard time to determine which one of my emotions are valid. I'm afraid almost everything I feel is because of BPD. That because of the black and white thinking my emotions are probably exaggerated and a " normal" person would probably not feel this way. Does anyone know what I mean? Does anyone know how to tell the difference?

Does anyone else experience this? What helps? I don’t feel anxious outside of the sensation that I’m not getting full breaths of air. It’s putting me in a cycle of can’t breathe, try to take deep breaths, get a breath, feel like I can’t breathe, etc…it usually goes away after a day or two but it’s been over a month of this with one or two days of relief. I know I’m actually getting air but it doesn’t feel like I am and it’s driving me nuts. I actually relapsed on alcohol because of it a few weeks ago. Of course when I drank I no longer felt like I couldn’t breathe because my anxiety was eradicated, but I can’t drink cause I’m a alcoholic and it will make things worse in the end.

I have health anxiety since January after i quit smoking. Since then my life really sucks. Long story short. I dislocated my patella 3 weeks ago.. this is 3rd time when my knee dislocated just on its own while walking. Then i have to go to the hospital, wait 2 hours for someone to help me. It hurts a lot :( Doctor said that surgery is probably needed but this does not give certainty that there will not be another dislocation. Also im poor and the queues for surgeries are long. Meanawhile I'm terrified of walking again, I don't want to experience that pain ever again. Because of that I'm even scared of going to toilet. I'm thinking that this time i lost.. My legs are weakening and i feel like my another leg might dislocate while walking. Prevously i thought that my leg brace gives me guarantees, but that last dislocation happend when i was wearing it and now i have no safety. It's a constant battle inside my head whenever its time to get up and walk again. Life sux right now and it's a a pity that this has happend now that my psyche is not in the best place. Sorry for this crying rant.

I know what my biggest problem is, I have known it for a while, that I idolize and rely on another person to provide me all the stuff a parent ideally provides a child (security, self worth, reassurance, sense of well-being). This person is always much older and a mentor and their opinion of me means everything. I become obsessed with them and begin to only see myself through their eyes. Yet I cannot fathom being any other way. Maybe that’s just me not taking responsibility for myself but no matter what I do I can’t get that feeling, that “I’m okay without them” feeling. I have never experienced it and I don’t know how to give myself that acceptance. My therapist says I need to validate myself. She’s suggested small ways, like just telling myself nice things like “I like my hair today” or whatever. I have tried that. I have tried meditation. I have tried volunteering, improving myself, etc. I’ve won prizes and awards for things I’m passionate about and worked hard it. It felt good for a while but at the end of the day it’s always them. The “FP.” “How do they think of me? Do they care about me? How can be more like them? How can I get them to care about me?” I know this isn’t healthy but I don’t see an alternative. I just don’t understand how to not center my entire life around someone, how to not be obsessed with someone and depend on them for my wellbeing. I can distance myself from them (in this case my professor) and I have. It’s been almost a year. But I don’t feel any different. I’ve been like this my whole life. There will just be another professor or boss or eventually a lover I assume. And I will leech off them because there is nothing there to give myself. I feel the sense of developmental stuntedness so acutely. I’m afraid to get into a real relationship. Does anyone have any insight? Is it possible to really learn to validate yourself, love yourself if you have BPD? I mean I can say the words and even mean them but on some deep level I mean, will I ever stop relying on external validation? And if not, is the solution to just except the emptiness and sense of inner unease and just let it be? I think that might be the best course of action. I can’t stand seeing myself drain all of the people around me and use them, constantly, to make me temporarily feel better about myself. I’d rather just live with the incompleteness...

I’ve made a list of apps I’ve found helpful and wanted to share! - finch: take care of a baby bird by doing reflections and practicing self-care - dbt coach (: free version works as a diary tracker. paid version also teaches you all of the dbt skills and is SIGNIFICANTLY more affordable than groups (my groups cost over $700 per module, and the app costs $80 for 6 months) - insight timer: helpful for reminding you to check in with yourself - calm harm: distress tolerance skills, easy to use in crisis moments when it’s hard to think of coping skills - the dime game: the dbt skill but in app format - noisili: soothing sounds (rain, waves, etc) - waterminder: hydration reminders and tracker, if your like me it can be hard to stay hydrated when you’re really struggling - stop breathe think: my favourite guided meditation app, it recommends meditations based on how you’re feeling

Seriously it s*** having to relive through my worst moments to my good moments. Now I'm thinking about my ex-girlfriend and get depressed when I remember how she ended the relationship cause of dumb reasons. I remember feeling joy and love and then I remember the huge crash down I had after she broke up with me. I always have the same nightmares it's always about the past cause for 10 years in school peoples' been treating me like I'm a huge disease they need to avoid. Even my friends used to mock me or insult me but they were the only ones willing to hang out with me. I don't know what the reason was that everyone hated me. Girls literally used to spam me on whatsapp "Delete your profile picture right now, you're probably the ugliest person on this planet" every time I changed my profile picture. It came to the point I couldn't look in the mirror without crying asking myself why no one likes me. Also if I would touch anyone even in the slightest on accident they would freak out insult me take their deo cans spraying it on themself and then ran to the toilet to wash themself. I just don't understand why everyone treated me like a disease and I hate having to relive these moments again and again I just wish I'd be able to forget them but my brain doesn't let me... I tried multiple things and sometimes I'm able to think about something else but my nightmares are always about my hurtful past and I'm not sure if that'll ever change... I just wish I could forget things but it's like everything got burned into my head for eternity. It's a gift, I know, but it's also probably the worst thing in my life.

I’ve had depression / anxiety since I was around 15. I’m now 20 and at uni but just seemingly gets worse. I have counselling and also a supportive family and gf but still can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always care way too much about what people think of me and act in a certain way just so they can have an outlook on me that suits them, when it’s possibly not an accurate reflection of who I really am. I joined my uni’s rugby team a couple of years back before COVID as I’d never joined a club before and always loved the sport. However everyone had previously been in a club before and were seemingly more experienced and skilled which makes me feel quite self conscious. This year after going back, everyone seems to have made more friends which makes me more reluctant to go to training and socials. I literally walked to the training ground the other day and got so anxious before training, I walked back home but then hated myself for leaving. I always feel like I’m just floating about and not having much purpose and it eats away at me constantly.

i’ve been on 10mg buspirone for about 3 weeks now and it’s like night and day. oh my god. i’ve never known this feeling of normal calmness(??) before. my head doesn’t feel like it’s buzzing and spinning all the time, i can focus better, i don’t have to mentally prepare for hours to leave the house, i even went out to run errands before the last possible day instead of procrastinating. it’s crazy how good normalness feels.

my anxiety is really flaring up lately and we are switching up my medications but i’m so impatient and i’m so stuck on the “what if’s.” i feel like i’m going to feel this way forever and i don’t know what to do.

Once someone knows I'm in a terrible place they leave, they just don't show up again or respond. If I open up to someone, they act like a best friend for the time being then once they leave they're gone forever. I'm always disliked by everyone. Countless years of being lonely Wasn't meant to be here

How so? Do you still drink?

I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt at the very end of last month and now that I’ve been home and I’m stable and I’m back to work and things are “back to normal” nobody gives a fuck about me anymore. My dad went from saying that he understood my feelings to last week giving me a whole lecture over the phone about how depression doesn’t exist and I need to get my shit together. My friends who couldn’t stop calling me while I was in the psych ward cant be bothered to answer a single message in the group chat. I was so grateful to have such awesome, supportive friends while I was in the hospital but now that the dust has settled I’m scared that they’re done with me. I’m not asking them to fawn over me like they did when they thought they were gonna lose me, I just want to talk to them. Idk it just hurts ya know? I would like to add that I’m just venting. Logically, I know they probably don’t hate me and if they had a problem with me they’d bring it up with me. This feeling will pass and I’m trying not to do anything stupid (like lash out in anger or leave the gc) until then.

I’m pretty sure that i’m at some point will actually try to commit suicide. Right now while i’m writing this i’m in a mentally stable moment. Probably won’t last for long. But when/if i get to that point what can i do now to prevent it from happening.

I picked up a handful of tiny marshmallows in Oreo os And I ate them 😎 Happy for 10 seconds 😎

Hi all, I need to vent and get some advice in what is going to be absolute jumble but that’s what my brain is feeling at the moment. I don’t know where to begin really. I have the worst anxiety at the moment. Usually I’m a bubbly person who is the first person to give anything a go but now I’m on edge all the time. It all started about a month ago, I came down with a sickness bug and I very rarely get ill so this was weird and I had been ill in the august the exact same but I shrugged it off. I was throwing up and it was violently coming out the other end( sorry) and I spent a good few nights on the bathroom floor. Usually being sick doesn’t bother me but ever since my mum died (June 2021) I have this impending fear that I’m going to just randomly die like she did. Anyways after about the 4 days of keeping nothing down, I started having heart palpitations and shaking and overthinking everything like you normally do and I honestly thought I was going to die. I rang the doctors but they are a load of nothing🤦‍♀️ I ended up going to a&e and getting an ECG and that came back normal and they put everything down to anxiety. They put me on propanalol and sent me on my way. For the first few days I was fine, and then I would get excruciating chest pains and still couldn’t really eat anything, I had lost all sense of taste and smell( not covid been tested) and having the worst sleep ever. But that wasn’t the worst part the worst bit was the fact I felt so out of, like I was watching me through my eyes like I’m not here. So I told the doctor and she’s not put me on sertraline, but I have a mild form of serotonin syndrome and with how out of it I’m feeling I’m scared that I’m not going to feel the side effects anymore and I’m going to die. I don’t feel here anymore, mentally or physically. Please can someone help or give me some advice. Thanks!

I'm sorry for the long post, but I don't have anywhere or anyone else to talk to right now and I'm just really, really struggling. It's Thanksgiving this weekend here in Canada and I'm up at my family farm (about an hour away from my place) and all I really want to do is lay in bed and cry. But my family is EXTREMELY overbearing and judgemental, especially when it comes to the BPD/depression. For example, they feel I need to think positively and everything will be fine. So I have to act like everything is good, when really I'm at one of the lowest points in my life right now. I have zero privacy or independence here. It's not the house that I grew up in, so I don't even have a bedroom to go be alone in. The only time I get a minute to myself is when I go outside for a smoke and that is ALWAYS met with judgement or fights. Literally a 5 minute conversation about how disgusting smoking is, how it's killing me, waste of money, etc etc every time I step outside. I know all of that, but I'm also 28 years old and don't need to be told this constantly, especially when my dad chewed tobacco (grosser habit IMO) for 40 years and I never once gave him shit for it. I used to be in a BPD support group on an app, but I left a bunch of groups (and recently deleted the app altogether) because I was struggling with everything and also I felt like quite a few people in that specific group didn't like me. The owner of the group messaged me and asked why I had left. I told her that I was dealing with a lot and she said if I wanted to talk about it. So I told her a bit about what was going on and like almost every single person in my life when I need to talk, it was ignored. And that kinda hurt, because I thought we were friends and we had talked to each other about stuff before. It is tough for me to make friends and/or connections, especially in real life. In addition to my BPD/depression, I am physically (and very visibly) disabled. I'm a bilateral amputee, walk with a cane, my face is screwed up, my skeletal structure is out of whack, my joints are all different sizes, and more. I look absolutely disgusting and I see the way people look at me or treat me every day. It's always one of the following; take one look at me with a smile on their face then immediately wipe the smile off and avoid eye contact when they see me, make a loud enough noise of disgust that I'm near them, without asking my name or starting a normal conversation, immediately ask what happened to me and either just leave if I tell them or become rude and hostile when I say it's private, and the very, very rare occasion, someone will actually treat me like a human being, instead of the disgusting mutant that I look like. About 2 or so months ago, I started talking to this girl and we got really close. I developed feelings for her and it was supposedly mutual. It was something that was really hard for me to tell her at the time. I hadn't been in a relationship (or even found someone to have those feelings for) for nearly 4 years now. After the way my last ex had fucked me up mentally(it was because of her that I had to be hospitalized and eventually led to my BPD diagnosis), cheated on me, and treated me, I had pretty much given up on relationships. I enjoy being single 50% of the time, but miss that connection between a SO 50% of the other time. But then I met this girl and we talked online and I actually started feeling somewhat happy. She told me all the things that I needed and wanted to hear. That my disabilities didn't negatively define who I am, that I am worthy of being loved, that I'm attractive, and so much more. And she told me so many times how much I help her and how she was lucky to have met me and have each other in our lives. And we never put a label or anything on what we were, because she didn't want to rush into anything and I was perfectly fine with that. But then about a week and a half ago, the way she talked to me kind of changed and we talked less and less. And it's now gotten to the point of where she hasn't responded to me since Friday morning. I just can't help but feel she's sick of me and abandoned me. And it's like that for every connection I do make in life, but this one felt so different and amazing. I don't know what I did or said to make her leave. Despite having those feelings on relationships because of my last ex, there are days where I want nothing more than to be loved and accepted. But as I said before, it's hard to even make friends, let alone make connections. I've been on a few dating sites and one of the most common responses I get is “I don't want to be someone's nurse”, even though I live alone and I'm completely independent. And now this girl has just ghosted me without a word, I feel so much worse about myself, my self image, my self worth, everything. I'm just completely alone again, after thinking I had maybe found someone who who could actually see past my disgusting exterior and look at the person I am on the inside. I'm sorry again for the long post, but I'm trying so fucking hard to stay composed right now and I just need to get it out and I don't even know what to do.

thought i'd celebrate here this huge step for me with you guys since we all seem to kinda get it. i've been running from getting help for a long time. i started therapy in april after i admitted a bunch of bad things i did behind my fiance's back to him. i go 2x weekly, haven't missed an appointment (well, technically 1 but she operates out of both an office AND her home and went to the wrong one BUT the intention was to go, so i don't count it lol), which is a HUGE thing for me because i'll look for any excuse to skip an appointment. today, i kept my pcp appointment despite it being over the phone and super easy to avoid. i told myself it was time to get put on medications. i've been on and off medicine for a while. i hate taking it. i hate the way it makes me feel. it's like i'm just too... normal? i think i'm actually in love with being depressed and sad and tragic and a victim. i think being normal scares the SHIT out of me because my trauma and being impulsive and reckless makes me so \~iNtErEsTiNg\~. after moving halfway across the country and seeing a loving family, how they function and behave, and looking back at my trauma from a third person POV, it's time to get help and get out of this. being stable and able to function, but slightly boring will be a hell of a lot better than wanting to die because you spilled a cup of coffee after lamenting for 30 minutes on why you're a shit person, believe the universe sent this as a sign to die, and then crying for an hour while looking at a certain suicide sub-reddit. so, i'm being put on mood stabilizers and an anti-depressant. they're gonna check my blood work and blood pressure before moving to put be back on my adhd medications. a year ago, i would have laughed and said my self-medicating was what worked best, and that medicine just made you a zombie and therapy was to to reprogram you to "fit into society" and was bs. but i'm done running from all this. i'm done with the rage. the sadness. the grief and self-abuse. i'm ready to experience happiness and not worry about it being stolen away. i'm done with intrusive thoughts replaying every cringey, terrible thing i've done while whimpering in bed at night. i'm done with the hyper-fixation, with my hypomania from my bipolar II, the binge-restrict cycles my b/w thinking puts me through, and all the impulsive, reckless shit i do to even feel alive. i'm just done, man. this personality disorder has controlled me for so long. it stole my teen years and most of my twenties away from me, but i'm not gonna let it steal anymore time, ruin anymore relationships, or hurt another person. it feels so good to finally be doing the right thing. like an enormous amount of weight has been lifted from my shoulders and chest.

I got into my first proper serious relationship in October of 2018. At the time I was 17 and he was 16. We were both extremely in love with each other and genuinely weren’t attracted to anyone else but each other. Except I realized a month or two into the relationship that we definitely weren’t compatible for each other. We stayed together until June 2019. During the relationship it was extremely unstable, We were very very codependent and inseparable, we saw each other every single day. I was also constantly insecure whenever we were watching a movie, tv show or playing a video game that the conventionally “hot” girls on the screen turned him on or that he found them attractive and that would result in me arguing over that throughout the entire relationship. He would always say that he genuinely never saw anyone in that way except for me but I just couldn’t accept that. My brain would always tell me he is lying. I mainly couldn’t mentally believe him because he was never emotionally available which I now know that I need a future partner to be emotionally available or we just won’t work. Since he is so emotionally unavailable he could never talk about serious stuff or anything like that and I would constantly overthink but he could never reassure me unless I had to ask him even though he already knew how I felt in general. *I should have mentioned at the beginning I only very recently got diagnosed with BPD. So now looking back my behavior it makes a lot of sense. I’m just extremely ashamed of how I reacted most of the time. He eventually broke up with me and I didn’t handle it well at all. I threatened to kill myself, harm myself etc. More things I’m extremely ashamed of. I just got so unbelievably attached to him that I never wanted to let go of him even though I knew we weren’t right for each other. The day he broke up with me I had a huge huge breakdown in front of him. I’ve never had such a bad breakdown in my life. I was begging him not to leave me, I was crying my eyes out, hyperventilating and I eventually threw up in the car when my dad came to give me a lift home. We made the big mistake of staying in contact for 6 months after that because he made me believe we would get back together. I eventually got my heart broken a second time but this time I reacted much much worse. He blocked me on everything and so I decided to harass him online. I made so many different accounts to stalk his social media’s. I said nasty things on his Tellonym. I’m disgusted at myself for that. It’s been 4 or 5 months since all of that and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I lost all of my friends. I have a small small few but no close ones. I’m so alone. I’m terrified of fucking up future friendships and relationships. I’m terrified I’ll never find someone compatible. I’m terrified I’ll hurt them if I do somehow find someone again. I don’t ever want to be the person I was for most of 2019. My mental health was the worst it’s ever been. My bpd was extremely extremely bad. I just wish I had gotten diagnosed a lot sooner so then I could have gotten help sooner. I’m terrified no one will ever want me again. I just want to be loved and wanted and understood. My ex in general did treat me amazing. He was always so sweet, kind, very affectionate (verbally and physically) and very romantic for the most part. All the time. He never once got angry or mad or annoyed by me during the relationship. Never. Not once. We were never a good match but I definitely didn’t deserve him. Idk. Idk how to deal with any of this. I don’t know how to heal and grow. I’m so scared of messing up. I’m only 18 almost 19. I just want to be understood. Thank you for reading til the end if you did.

I have increased heart rate and fast breathes for 2 days w no reason. Idk is this connected with that but I have mild chest pain too. I feel it when I talk little much for example at the end of my sentence. Also I feel it when I sneeze. Had a panic attack in school today. Sometimes dp/dr kicks in too. I don't know what can I do. I don't want this anymore.

Just wondering if anyone has any positive or negative experiences from receiving accommodations of some form, and if so, what those accommodations are. Thank you!

I’m leaving a toxic work environment and I have an interview for a new place. I’m proud of myself but I’m so nervous. Wish me luck friends because I might die lol

What were the symptoms? Did they take too long? I take 200mg. I am feeling lately that Lamictal is slowly dragging me down, and I am so tired of it and my meds. I feel like I am just a zombie. I won’t necessarily stop my meds. I know I should stop slowly, but I would like to know anyway

A couple hours ago my boyfriend and I broke up. We talked about his career plans, which won’t allow him to maintain our relationship, so we decided to be just friends. I feel like someone ripped a part of my soul and stepped on it. I’ve had to let go from other relationships before, and it’s the same type of pain. I will never get used to it. We were both crying as we decided we were going to take a break, but I was crying even more. I was a mess. I still am. At some point I had the strong impulse to get drunk or cut myself because the pain was just so unbearable. For me, heartbreak and having to let go is the worst type of pain imaginable. It makes me feel hopeless about the future, that I will never be truly happy again without this person. It feels horrible. Like I’ll go insane at any second, tearing everything in my path apart or screaming my lungs out. I wanted to vent a little on here, describe how terrible it feels to go through a breakup for me. I don’t know if I should be posting this here, as I am not diagnosed with BPD but have a strong suspicion that I do. I’ve done a lot of research and I am planning to go to a psychologist to see if I have BPD. How do any of you feel when going through a breakup or having to let go of someone?

About 20 of us went out for lunch today to wish a coworker well as he was moving on to something new. Funny how anxiety rewires us. I pick a seat at the end of the table incase I need to "answer a client call" (panic attack) and we order. Right when the food came I felt it starting up, just a twinge. I tried to run from it in my head at first, and (like always) it just got worse, gradually increasing until I couldn't hear the people talking around me, just a bunch of mumbling. I was terrified someone would notice, I must have looked like a deer in headlights and it's not easy to say "oh yeah I have panic attacks" to a group of good ol boys that I work with... I took a deep breathe and just accepted it. It's gonna happen, I can't outrun it and I can always get up and get some air. It faded gradually, over a few minutes I suppose. Ruined my appetite and now I'm exhausted... but I made it through. I actually accepted it instead of fighting, that's so hard to do. I didn't have to leave or make excuses or make a fake phone call, and that's cool. Just gotta make it 2nd nature to not fight it...

I am very frustrated because I am dealing with physical symptoms of anxiety. Mainly feeling dizzy and struggling to walk in certain areas. It's driving me insane. I know it's not real but the symptoms are intense. What do you do to help ease these symptoms?

Today, I’ve had quite a few palpitations. Weird beats. Flutters. But I can go weeks without any. Does anyone else get it intermittently like this? Where one day is particularly frequent. Whereas most days it’s just one or none…?

I'm not sure if it's the BDD or if I'm just really ugly and hideous. I also feel so fat and uncomfortable in my own body. I can't believe I go out in public like this. I hate being ugly. It can't all be in my head. I should have never recovered from anorexia. I miss my confidence

I've been feeling like a burden to the others since the past 5 years. I don't know how to be happy. My only source of happiness is by making others happy. I seem to fail almost in everything and I've never seen success in life. I have suicidal thoughts and I can't afford therapy. Not even a single penny cause I'm still under my parents tent. If anyone's willing to talk or maybe a free therapy would absolutely help. I feel hopeless. Sorry to ask.

I’m currently taking Geodon and now rexulti but I havent not been able to sleep right since I started taking it.Currently taking 1mg.I am also more manic now before I take my meds.

I'm genuinely depressed and fearful for the future. truth is republicans are a majority and if trump runs again he will win. If ron desantis runs he will win. i don't care to debate if you have a different opinion, only wanna talk to people who feel the same way i do. Ive noticed 90% of the country cares more about getting money in their pockets than anything else. How do we get past this hard truth? Republicans will run office again and it's gonna be really upsetting. I hate politics

Does your mind go there?

i keep convincing myself my partner is going to leave me. i have no reason to feel this way, they’re understanding and have accepted my diagnosis without judgement. i know im lucky to have them. at the moment they’ve been really busy with personal interests and gaming etc and i haven’t heard from them a lot in the last week. i had a really bad episode on sunday and explained what happened and im scared i’ve scared them off. we’ve been together for nearly a year but im worried this was the final straw. i know it’s in my head and the ‘unstable’ part of our relationship is one sided but im terrified that they don’t want to be around me or with me anymore i don’t want to bring it up and start a conflict though because that scares me more i feel a bit stuck

This has been going on for ages now. Most of the time it's nightmares where I've killed people and then I wake up thinking that I've actually committed murder and start freaking out. Sometimes it's just normal dreams where I just wake up very , very disorientated. Is this a BPD thing since it kinda sounds like a weird form of dissociation?

So the Assistant store manager (to keep anonymous let's call him NS) at my store is kinda off in his own worls sometimes. I mean he's a touch full of himself and its questionable about how much weight he legitimately pulls but i found out some major things the other day.....he was helping me run a couple errands and i had a emotional meltdown. And it was really embarrassing so it led into the whole I have secere mental issues storyline wh8ch led to the trauma ive experienced my whole life. NS is 25 and for context is FTM trans, personally i dont care it couldnt mean less to me, and i am 26f. ..i wqs telling NS about my entire life story and why i am the way i am, why i do not cope well. I transferred to this store a few months ago and i think it was immediately apprent i easily break down or excessively try to put my foot down. The best part is that NS has always bewn supportive and when he hears my tone changing he comes to scope the situation out to see if i need to gather myself for a minute. ...the day i was out with NS doing errands, like i said, i ended up apilling my entire guts and i guess it was just a thing because then he told me the problems hes gone through that have been both related and unrelated to his transitioning...he's having an especially hard time at home lately woth his gf and her mother. Apprently no one knows but theyre split up and bc of financial strain cannot move out, theyre sleeping separately at this point. ..through rhe problems ive had ive had a HUNCH he's been struggling with himself the past month or so and i couldn't tell if inwas projecting or if it wasa glimpse..apprently it was glimpses. ..the day after we were out he called out of work really really sick. He couldn't even call, his mother in law had to call for him. (His family doesn't live in our area.) ..a couple people including the store manager started taking shots at the guy but I said "hey you guys, it's not my business what inwas told in confidence but he's really going through a lot at once and i think he needs support more than anything right now"..everyone kinda dies down after that..and if that wasnt bad enough the Store manager was teying to quietly replace him without saying anything to him...he only found out because he accidentally walked in on a conversation a few weeks ago..our store manager still has yet to have a sit down with him..everyone at work knows but we're not talkimg about it...i am going back to my home state soon, and told him i may just have yo leave with little warning (long story short the universe fucks me dry, in the ass and i just want to be home again) and he said to not worry he understood and o have to do for ME for once..i found that powerful only because he then said to me "i think im going to talk to the district manager and ask why this is all happening and if they're going to do this, i may just transfer or quit altogether, like you."..idk why but at that my brain flipped a switch. I went to being ok and not having a FP and now id im not worrying about me im stressed over NS and cannot stop. To add to it i legitimately accidentally found an email our store manager wrote to another store manager about when pirs wants the replacement assistant store manager in...it was printed on the office desk where everyone could see...i immediately messaged NS saying thatour SM wants the ASM transferres here by the 25th ..and insaid go NS im jusy concerned and would want to know if it was me.. My feelings are the feeling the need to be stupidly over protective of somone despite knowing i will very soon be 1200miles away from him. I feel the BPD FP feels developing and im thinking i really need to leave this state asap to nip the FP feelings in the bud...I've WANTED to text him a half a million times in the past 48hours since i found out he got sick, out of concern, but have NOT...for context most of my FPs have just been friends though when in relationships my partners have been FPs for me. Im.not into him like that I'm concerned for all the things he's going through all at the same time. ...it makes me more depressed to see others as depressed as i am. I do NOT want to ride the FP rollar coaster all over again...the last time i did, it legitimately almost got me killed. It got me thrown into a wall, cut up and bruised ans scarred up and down my body, all from a friend who i thought i trusted with my life since the day i met them. ..I don't nt want ro feel any more.

Today I left a family function early because I was so close to crying multiple times. I sat there for probably 45 minutes surrounded by my friends and I tried to speak and join in but I would get ignored. I felt left out listening to them talk about all the fun they’ve had while I never got to have because I was always left out. Eventually I just left, none of them have said anything but my abrupt absence so I guess they must not have noticed. My dog is the only one who seems to notice my distress.

i had been talking to this guy, honestly way too soon after my ex and i broke up (literally like 4 days). and everything was going well at first until he started doing things that would annoy me or have habits that i thought were weird. we also kind of started getting into little arguments with each other and eventually i just felt like i should cut contact. well i did, and he took it really hard, he liked me a lot and i thought i liked him that much too but i didn’t. he then said i was leading him on and how i shouldn’t make promises i cant keep and he absolutely despises me now. told me i betrayed him and that he’ll never look at me the same again. it really hurt hearing that but i guess i needed it? lol idk i just feel so shitty and bad and maybe that i shouldn’t have decided to cut contact because my ego was talking. it’s definitely too late to do anything now, and i honestly don’t need a relationship AT ALL right now and i know that. i just can’t get this guilt to fuck off. i feel like i may have missed out on something, even though i know im capable of finding better.

I got a moderate sunburn 6 or 7 years ago but this is worse. These two days are the only time I remember getting sunburned. I googled if just one sunburn can cause permanent damage and it said yes. I have a really bad time dealing with perfectionism and anxiety and I'm kind of freaking out. I made it 28 years without a bad one but obviously I was bound to fuck this up just like I fuck up everything else. I'm going to feel bad about this for decades :(

I dont like most friends I make. I can only be friends with people I find inferior to me, I can't befriend people I find attractive (not only physically). Im very agreeable and fun but anxiety makes me paralysed around people I actually wanna get to know. Because of that I become withdrawn from relationships I have and I become indifferent to them and so I dont get much in return, thus making me feel like nobody cares about me but I see how that can be my own fault. But when it comes to relationships I care about I either can't start them or become withdrawn because of fear. One time it took me several months to invite a girl for Coffe that I met through a mutual friend and we clearly had sth going. After I found the strength to make a move I got ghosted. It makes me sad because im surrounded by fine people but I just want others, that seem out of reach for me. And I won't appreciate them until I befriend people that I would want to care about. There's this one girl in my lecture class, I wanna approach her but I can't, and I already see one guy trying his chances with her and it hurts me because I can't do anyhting I can't come up to her and say anything. I feel as if I'm tortured by this, its an ongoing battle in my head where I can't do anything, can't act. There's an invisible wall, stopping me from being happy. This is mind-blowing how being unable to talk to a few people I find cool, takes a toll on my mental wellbeing and the quality of other relationships I currently have. A lot would be solved if I just got the strength to do that, but I can't.

A few days ago I went on Skype before bed and saw that my boyfriend posted like a paragraph of text and asked me to read it through fully instead of just skimming it. I promised to do it when I wasn't sleep deprived... but I haven't gone back since, not just because my sleep schedule has still been effed for the past several days, but also because I have serious anxiety about it. But now that it's been a few days, that's only making me more anxious. I know my boyfriend understands my anxiety. The last time we went out he asked me if I was doing OK. He suffers too in his own way. I know he loves me and he knows I love him, so I know my fears are totally irrational. But I'm just paranoid that me not going on means he'll want to break up or something, but that's what'll happen anyway if I don't go back. Every night I tell myself to do it before bed so that I don't have to worry about him responding (since he goes to bed way earlier) and then deal with it in the morning, but every night I stay up too late and then go to bed without checking my messages because I don't want to be judged for my sleep schedule. This latest cycle has been pure hell and I just... I know exactly what I need to do to get over it, but I'm just so paranoid about it, and I keep pushing it off, and I just feel like such a horrible girlfriend all the damn time these days

I tend to get headaches and excessive sweating after going to the movie theater. I suspect that this sensory overload as all of the noises during the film are extremely overwhelming. I do not have confirmation that it’s actually sensory overload, this is just a sneaking suspicion. I know these sort of issues are common with people who have anxiety disorders (I myself have generalize anxiety disorder). Is there a way to lessen the headache I may get when I go? Like could I take ibuprofen before the film or something?

I could really start a job and get my life back after years of unemployment, jail, and institutionalization. Im still not with the guy that broke my heart and caused me to spiral. It still feels like I'm drowning. I'm alone. I could use the support. I shower more now. I'm still trying to brush my teeth. I don't even know if I'm ready for employment but I have to do something. I miss him. It's been 8 years. I'm still stuck in this setting where if he's not the one then I don't want anyone at all. Please help. He needs to be replaced.

I've met a boy a year ago, and right from the moment he introduced himself I was head over heels for him. I liked everything about him, I wanted to know him better, I wanted to spend more time with him. It felt magical in a way. The thing is everytime something like this had happened to me in rhe past it had had some obsessive qualities, so aware of that and plus the fact that he had a girlfriend at the time (they split) I managed to put aside (as in: not making it weird when we're together, deciding I wouldn't act on them) my romantic feelings and we became friends, and also due to (un)lucky circumstances we got really close over time. Now it's been a bit more over a year since I've met him, and I realize I've been thinking about him all the time everyday. When I'm not distracted by somethjng else I think of him, what is he doing? why that time he said that thing? why isn't he answering my texts?, and i also dream about him, and it's painful. Is it normal? Is it obsesession? I've read about bpd but how am i to know if what i' m feeling is what everyone "in love" feels or not? I don't understand why this yearning doesn't dampen with time some aspects of bpd i relate to, like that i hate my self and i've hated my face since i was maybe 10, that i wouldnt know how i look like 80% of the time, i've had depressive episodes, but some more extreme sides of it i dont relate to, or at least i dont understand them, like the "splitting" thing. but this feeling doesn't feel healthy at all. I realize this isnt the best place to discuss these things

hey guys, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and i’m not sure how to feel about it. I’ve just been written up a script for a starting dose of lamotrigine and i was wondering if anybody could tell me what to expect? I’m anxious to start on this journey never having been on any meds before. any advice or words would be really appreciated :)

Ever get to the point where the bad things that happen to you pretty much are just comical now? Yeah that’s me currently, got a gnarly foot infection that I’m on antibiotics for and pinworms all from my past depressive episode. Loving and laughing life right now

Especially in regards to tension/pressure headaches, neck and shoulder aching too. It's like the 9th day of this shit. I can't take it much longer. I had a few consecutive stressful days(not really anxious) and a few days later I've had neck and head tension/pressure. It's at its tolerable when it's in the upper back, but worst when it's the back of the head. Ibuprofen ironically makes it immediately worse, which makes me wonder if it's partaily a vascular thing(ibuprofen is a vasodilator); The right side of the neck seems most affected by whatever that is. And I suspect that the right side of my neck is the cause of it all. Coffee seems to help by adding further tension to the head muscles, it's "stabilizing" and "intensifying", but it reduces the pain by enough to notice. Yeah, I don't get it either. Beer made it worse at first but now it's better, which gives my hope for ibuprofen if the effects change. I just need this to end. I'm terrified that it will go on for too long.

It's seriously killing me

Back in 2020 I was really manic and was trying to get rid of as many pieces of my childhood as I could. I took a couple tapes that were recorded of me as a little kid and...taped over them just to tape over them. I wish I didn't do that, I feel so lousy about it. Has anyone else done something similarly dumb while under mania? That's kind of why I'm posting it - I feel like I'm uniquely lousy for doing that specifically.

I’m obsessed with the idea of getting my revenge on my narc ex who did a number on me. It was a classic narcissistic targeting, grand gestures and next level love bombing scenario. I have some commitment issues but he did everything and beyond to convince me and once getting me there, followed up with 180 degree shift, devaluation and discard. He really did me dirty like I couldn’t imagine anyone ever could and left me for emotionally dead, waltzing off into the sunset with already ready-to-go new supply. I have my own share of strong narcissistic traits along with bpd and besides the broken heart and the sense of self, it also caused me my own huge narcissistic injury. It was the first time someone played me like this and I still can’t get over the fact that I allowed it, ignoring all the red flags, I so clearly saw. I can’t help but fantasize about all the ways I want to see him suffer and can’t let it go. I can’t get over the feeling of injustice. In theory, I don’t want to be so vengeful but I can’t change that, it literally keeps me going. This hatred is consuming me. It’s eating me up and feeding me at the same time. I feel so toxic. Thought to share it here and see if anyone can relate in whichever way.

i've had a really good week. close to no super bad breakdowns, no self harm, my relationship hasn't been as hectic and toxic feeling and i work my first shift at my new job in a few hours.. but that doesn't keep me from waking up at 4 am anyway and thinking about where i'm going wrong :( i feel so unhappy and trapped and i miss my therapist because i had to cancel my last two sessions and i'm anxiously awaiting maybe raising the dose on my newer medication too because even if i've had a good week and it gives me probably false hope i can't ignore the fact that i was unstable as i get before said week started.. ive always felt like i don't want to get better truly because as i was told by my IOP therapist once i just.. think being sick is a big part of my personality? but god i feel like i'm just making everyone abuse me by being the way i am.. i'm so tired.

This may or may not be a symptom of BPD -- I'll happily admit to being my own brand of weird :P. But I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and trying to name thoughts to emotions or sensations. One thing I realised is that I live very heavily in the future, and this may be what causes my desperation at the end of relationships. Basically: I tie my future to a romantic partner. And, obviously, a large part of my past (aka the relationship) is about them. When they leave me, I'm suspended in a vulnerable present and that *terrifies* me. Does anyone else feel this way or can name it to a symptom? I sort of like being able to logically understand my BPD.

I've apparently led a painful life, by others expectations. I've become *very* good at repression. But today something happened that will haunt me unless I deal with it in a cathartic and effective manner. And I don't know how to do that. Is this familiar to anyone else?

Just a brutal feeling. Feels like my heads barely above water. I drank too much last night to cope with my anxiousness about the next day, which only makes things worse. I’m tired, hungover, and mentally strained beyond all belief. I can’t even take it easy today because all that does it create more work for tomorrow in my job. My customers are literally cursing me out when I’m just doing my job of following up on things. Not rudely either just checking in with them once a week. I’m so sensitive to criticism and no one would ever know, I just bottle it up and can barely get through the day when someone even has an irritated tone of voice with me let alone is outright pissed at me. Just needed to vent I guess. I don’t know what to do today and I feel like I’m doing my usual of dissociating then shutting down which just piles on more work for me.

Ok so, I’m trying to recover, and I’ve made a little daily schedule of things I want to be able to do everyday: Shower, go outside, go to school and such things. But I find it really hard to do any of these things. I am on antidepressants, and have been for some months now, and I definitely feel happier than before, but fixing my habits is still a problem. I’ve been struggling since 2018 or something, so I’m pretty sure my muscles have shrinked, due to me laying in bed so much. I feel physically weak and tired all the time, and I constantly fall asleep after school, or just at noon. The first thing I want to improve, is my sleep schedule, since I believe it’s the most important. It’s just so so hard, and it’s even worse when I can’t stop myself from dosing off. I want to get better and I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m disgusted at myself, when I don’t shower or clean my room for so long. Does anyone have any tips, or just anything that could help?? I’m thinking I want to use New Years to be like “new year, new me” but I also feel like if I have my expectations too high, I’ll just get worse. Since last year I was told “go to boarding school, and you’ll be happy!!” I believed the nurse, but what happened? I got worse, and felt so bad, cause boarding school is so expensive and my mom is rlly poor… I was wasting her money. Also, from 2018 to summer break this year, my nurse whom I speak with about medicine, had neglected all my symptoms of depression, and said it was just signs of my ADHD and lack of friends/social skills… (back then I only took medication for ADHD) And this summer break i was again told that everything would get better, but I got to my lowest, which finally resulted in me getting a diagnosis for my depression. Anyways I’m kinda venting rn or sumthin. Conclusion: I just wanna be happy, and recover :)

Nobody has ever liked me. Nobody will ever realize how much I try. Sometimes I see flashes of what I must be like to other people in others. It’s awful. All I’ve wanted was to be a good friend. All I ever do is lay here alone. Why am I trying to better myself. I used to be pretty and I’m pretty sure everyone hated me just as much than. I hate myself.

I have been religious for quite a few years, but I have recently become more involved with the synagogue and the teachings themselves. This, however, is leading to many religious-themed delusions and hallucinations. I don’t want to stop following or believing, but I am afraid it will become detrimental. Does anyone else maintain a religious or spiritual relationship while also dealing with this? What do you do?

Right now I’m stuck in a difficult situation: - I’m broke and in a lot of debt - And I’m stuck in a major I don’t like but I’m only 3 classes away from graduating in - I have ADHD, Depression, Anxiety/social anxiety Right now the main issue is my job that I’m at is basically constantly telling me I’m not meeting their performance standards and I’m always being talked to despite trying hard and trying to switch things up. I’ve already gotten 2 written warnings and I’m only 1 more away from being fired Right now I’m just freaking out in the bathroom and crying and feeling ashamed that I am reacting like this but Im so scared and I feel so discouraged I’m going to lose this job :( I know some people say to find another job but I really want to keep this job It’s a job where I barely have to talk to people, it pays well, and I’m able to get health insurance and therapy because of it It’s just something to sustain myself right now until I get out of school What do I do guys? Im going to try to desecalate the anxiety I’m experiencing right now and just focus on getting better but fuck It feels like the odds are stacked against me I wish money would just fall out of the sky for me to just be able to sustain myself This stress is killing me

I don’t know how to talk to my friends about how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. I see other people talk about their lives and their problems, but it feels impossible for me to share anything about myself. I want to though. I always try to send messages or reach out, but I stop myself before I go through with actually saying anything. I feel like none of my friends actually really know me. I get jealous when I see other people being open about their lives and seeing my friends console each other. I want people to care about me, but I don’t want to have to tell them what’s wrong or ask them to care. It just makes me feel so alone.

Basically I had been practicing for my drivers test forever. I had driven probably over 50 hours and had even driven on the Southern California highways multiple times. All of my instructors told me I would pass with no problem and my parents trusted my driving ability fully. I took my test in Simi Valley two days ago and it was going great. I was making complete stops, turning my head fully, and correctly completing turns. I was about 30 seconds away from the DMV fully confident in getting my license when he told me to make a final lane change to the left. I looked in my rear view and there was a guy behind me, but I could clearly see his bumper in my rearview. I looked in my blindspot and I was OK to go and as I went to switch he sped up and the instructor had to tell me "STOP" to avoid hitting him (rough translation, auto fail). My heart dropped I had prepped so much for this and to mess up with 30 SECONDS LEFT absolutely killed me. I think I was just so excited to finish I kind of let my guard down and just wanted to get my license already, which is why I made a rash decision. Once I pulled in I asked him if I would have passed if that didn't happen and he said I had only missed 5 POINTS I MEAN COME ON ARE YOU KIDDING ME. He told me he could tell I was a good driver and it's just unfortunate things like this happen. Of course I sobbed and was so utterly embarrassed to tell everyone I failed, especially when everyone thought it was a no brainer that I would pass. I'm slowly getting over it now, but I am just so aggravated that had to happen to me. If I had left the DMV 10 seconds earlier or later I could have avoided the situation completely and now I have to take the test all over again in a new unfamiliar city. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated :) whether its how to cope or just how to avoid something like this again. I hope this post helps someone who is dealing with the same thing feel better.

I realized yesterday that if I disappeared, I’m not sure what would happen to all of my most beloved possessions. My grandma’s jewelry collection, my stuffed animals, toys from my childhood. Maybe my parents would keep them. Maybe they’d sell them, or give them to a cousin or something. It sounds so ridiculous but the thought just makes my skin crawl; I love my belongings so much that to even think about stuff happening to them makes me want to cry. And it’s a good reason as any to stay around, I suppose. I’ve made leaps and bounds in recovering from BPD (no longer care at all for relationships after being burned one too many times) but the depression is still there. Does anyone else relate?

Do any of you struggle with staying on your medications? I struggle with mine mainly due to the weight gain. I started treatment for a manic episode in October and am now falling off of the horse. But all month it’s felt like my mania never left, but was just subdued. I guess now I’m hypo as I am having clearer thoughts. But not euphoric, generally dysphoric.

Not sure how to bounce back from this bad therapy experience..i invested so much time and money and i feel like i put all my eggs in one basket.. i dont think anyone will ever be able to handle or fix me. I feel so broken :( I just dont think i was meant to be here.

Im sorry if i have misconceptions about bpd, i tried to educate myself and have trouble with wording certain things since english isn’t my first language im pretty sure i have bpd as i present pretty much all of the characteristics except the anger i do feel anger, but mostly at myself when things don’t go my way or when i do a mistake. i did notice that this anger is way over the top for small things but im not one to lash out at others. i am very scared to lose people around me and that if im not nice enough they will stop loving me so if i feel anger towards someone, i will keep it bottled up until i feel euphoria again or i will buy something to take my mind off of things the only person ive ever been able to express anger with is my partner. he’s been a saint and we’ve been through thick and thin together, but again its only been when i was so angered i couldn’t keep it in but when u lash out i become so irrational i barely understand how he could get through it (ive never been violent btw im just … emotionally uncontrollable) otherwise, this anger never came between relationships, it’s usually different feelings that will push people away i do know that when im angered at myself im mire irritable but i mask it pretty well i think, and i thrive when happy people give me attention so i sometimes forget about it when im around others i just wanted to know id anyone here is like me

I got lazy tracking my period which is usually late anyway and then... It was really late. It was irresponsible but now I'm here with an unplanned pregnancy. I always thought the decision to terminate would be easy for me but I am really struggling. I was wondering if there are any mothers who have BPD that wouldn't mind sharing their experiences? I feel so lost right now. I do have a loving partner who will stay with me regardless but I think he is leaning towards keeping 'it' and we have both admitted to finding the thought of terminating very depressing. At the minute I receive money from the government for disability in the UK which shames me greatly and wasn't how I pictured having a child. Although my mood has been more positive since finding out I am pregnant I worry if this will last long term. My strongest bpd trait is fluctuating mood swings that feel out of my control. My anger is inwards and usually has the worst effect on me rather than anyone else. I am extremely sensitive right now and would appreciate comments that can empathise. I realise for many, or nearly all of us, we have had difficult relationships with our parents so to hear someone mentally ill considering raising a child may trigger the response of telling me flat out to go through with termination. I hope people can appreciate that it is not that easy, I don't think I would ever be able to forget and I would wonder what if forever, never mind the trauma and bleeding for weeks after. My partner feels the same. I would really, really appreciate any insight or support from people who have experienced this situation. Thank you.

so I’ve had anxiety forever and a lot of it is centered around a fear of choking. this has affected my eating, made me really scared of going to the dentist, stuff like that. but I had a retainer and I lost it for a long time so my teeth slightly shifted. and ngl I never needed braces cosmetically in the first place, still not sure why I got them, so I was never super motivated to wear it in the first place. but I thought I should start wearing my retainer again and I tried to put it in and it is SO TIGHT like it felt like it was about to fly off my teeth and catapult down my throat at any moment. I couldn’t figure out how to get it off and I was about to have a straight up panic attack. I can’t imagine like regularly wearing it and it scares me so much and it’s not really a big deal because like I said I’ve always had straight teeth but it’s just one of those things that makes me be like damn I wish I was a functioning human

After drinking a cup of coffee about an hour ago I was struggling so hard to breath. I had heart palpitations and I started shaking so bad. I felt incredibly weak and I thought I was going to pass out. Now my breathing is better but I’m still shaking and feel weak

everyday i have thoughts about ending my life but i never actually attempted to do it but there's always this thought in the back of my head that that might change when i turn 20 tbh I never felt like I would make it past 20 this has been something i thought about for years and what's weird is that I'm ok with it i thought about it so much I've become kinda numb with the idea of dying at the age 20 years old.

it’s such a horrible horrible feeling because the last thing i want is to lose him, i love him so much, but i am such a lonely person he is the only person i see, speak to, think about and so im constantly talking to him or attempting to. recently he’s stopped talking to me as much, he’ll make plans without me which i fully endorse because i understand he has his life outside of me, but he’ll make excuses up to no see me and it’s so isolating. i feel so alone i feel like im reaching a breaking point. i feel bad for trying to keep him close because i understand it can be smothering but i cant seem to be alone, i don’t know what to do anymore.

My BPD partner of 3 years is sick, again. They get sick a lot. Probably every 2 months. This is what it is like every time. They spent all day yesterday in and out of med fog on the couch screaming at me to stop making noise, stop walking around, leave them alone let them rest. I was having panic locked in my room all day trying to stay quiet while also being on top of giving pain meds, water, snacks to them. I had to go to work today. Cue literal hundreds of texts about how I'm awful and horrible and don't care about their health because I should have cancelled work to take care of them. They hate me. They want to die. They are going to kill themselves because I left them alone and this is proof they are a burden and too much. I always do this. I come home and comfort them and get them comfy and it melts away and I left them sleeping on the couch to come to bed. The texts start up again about how I think they are a burden, fuck me, they wanna break up, etc because I left them. I offered to hire a caretaker for them for when I went to work and this suggestion has been met with such hatred. This is proof I don't believe in my commitment vows somehow - even tho I feel like hiring a caretaker is an extension of caring for them in sickness. They just stopped yelling at me long enough to ask for water and a face mask. Found it for them, the abuse starts up again. Fuck me. I love my partner but I don't know how to not internalize their bpd spiral any longer. It's wearing me down.

How can I live in the moment and enjoy the moment? My days consist of me worry about dying or when I’m going to die and it feels like the days are just going by and I’m not living them. Before my anxiety I was living each day and never worried about death but now it’s all I think about. I kinda don’t feel like I’m in my body not like I’m not there but like I get weird thoughts about me being a human and weird stuff idk how to explain it. But I just feel like I’m not real?

I don't like the idea of suicide, and it's never gonna happen, but it's the flair that fits best. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can just drink and do things to myself that are putting me at great risk. I'm trembling while I walk my dog because I'm the weakest I have ever been in my life. I feel the body pressure leading me to faint and I know I'm on my last battery. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to love anymore. I just want to be in my own locked room and drink until I fall asleep so I can wake up and order more. I don't want my family involved. My friends are just disappearing after I ask them to come walk with me. This is a disaster. I feel pathetic.

Can you recommend the best drug free depression treatments or tips/hacks ?

I am starting a new job soon and it is already stressful and sad for me for a variety of reasons. I have never had a full-time job and have been unemployed for a while and have gotten used to being a stay-at-home person. I am grateful to have this opportunity and I do need to have a job but it already feels like I'm being eaten alive on the inside. I am fairly certain I'll be an acceptable/good employee, but I am very anxious and crying because I'm worried about what could go wrong and what I will be missing and neglecting elsewhere in my life (particularly helping those close to me and managing my current responsibilities). I am considering going back on medication to try to ensure that I am level enough to do well in most aspects of my life during this time, but I don't want to become reliant or experience negative side effects that can come with medication. Can I please get some advice, success stories, support, and anything of the like? I think my self-esteem/confidence is maybe a bit too low but there is so much I could mess up. I could use some cheering up and I think success stories could really help me. Thank you for anything :)

I've only recently started getting a globus sensation in my throat, as of 2 weeks ago. Since it's persistent, I've started doing neck exercises. I know the best thing to do is pretend it isn't there of course, but what else can I do on an immediate level? Does Tylenol, Motrin, Aleve, etc. help?

I am 19 times old I made a pledge to myself to see how effects would ameliorate in the future, but they've only gotten worse and the same, I do not know what differently to do. Tonight, I am going to hang myself. I have written about it, told my family about it, went therapy and so on. All haven’t helped too much nor do they even care as I seen from it just ignoring or blaming. I am just really done. I can not feel to look at myself and feel useful because I am so lonely and just living being for its own sake. Loneliness is consuming me to know end. I believe there's nothing in this world for me. It seems as if there's nothing in store for me in the future maybe not true but I just see anything now just miserable and alone. I truly do not want to survive this time, it would be better for me to die. I see occasionally everyone lead happy lives and live their lives. I despise who I'm and do not ever want to live again. Whoever reads this, thank you for being in my life and commenting. I can not stand being fully alone any longer. I infrequently manage to produce complete Words when I do get the chance to speak to someone. disregard a girl. Stuttering or the fair I’m boring not knowing what to say social anxiety. when I have something on mymind, I've a hard time actually saying it. Who on earth would be patient enough to hear me out? How could I conceivably keep a conversation with someone if I tried to talk to them? I can’t really communicate with them easily. Nor am I worth anyone’s time.

I can deal with being left on read normally (kind of) but when every single person in the group chat is ignoring my messages about trying to organise something I literally want to scream. I swear they always reply to everyone else (and that’s not crazy brain). what’s the fucking problem

Been off meds for 3 years. 8 years of therapy. My boyfriend just had to have a sit down “your mental health is getting worse” talk. Which is good. I have people looking out for me. It just feels like I’m on a mental illness treadmill and never go anywhere.

So my soon to be ex-husband cheated on me and is now in a relationship with this other woman. We were together over 11 years. I was really devastated which is even more sad because he was incredibly abusive. But I've had really bad obsessive thoughts about him. These thoughts are dominating my life. My psychiatrist called them racing thoughts, but these thoughts aren't racing. They just interupt everything I do. I can be watching something on TV and I'll think about him for no reason. Is this just my anxiety (I have GAD) or is it possibly OCD tendencies (that's another listed diagnosis of mine)? Does anyone have experience with Buspar? My psychiatrist prescribed it today. Does it help with these kind of thoughts? I stopped taking klonopin months ago because I really didn't like the side effects.