Datasets:

shuttie

/

dadjokes

like 6

I didn't even look up from my desk. Dropped this on a co-worker just now. Them: . yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to. Me: Well it's due to inflation. I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line

Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely

What do you call the boom operator on a movie set

Mike

So I ask my dad if he's ever smoked weed. His response. Just once

From 1969-1978

My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses

I'm worried he may be in a colt

Everyday that he asks me Son: dad what time is it

Me: looks up daytime

I dadjoked myself in Reno I was in Reno/Sparks the other day and I was walking around the Victorian Plaza near the Nugget Hotel. For people who have never been, many things are named after this plaza, including a salon and several other businesses. Anyway, I walked past a motel called Victorian Inn , and I thought Why not just call it Victori-inn So I called my girlfriend to tell her and she stayed silent for a few seconds and just said No. Just no

Well I thought it was pretty clever

My dog named Minton just ate a shuttlecock

Bad Minton

Keanu Reeves lost all the April Fools Jokes. Luckily he found the May tricks

(oc unless someone else thought of it already, in which case I'm 22yrs too late as usual)

My boss said my math skills are average

That's just mean

Why was the teddy bear never hungry

Because he’s always stuffed

I just can't seem to find today

4/04

My son is gonna be a great. Dad. Sitting at the dinner table my son(4), says to my other younger son(3), I'm not hungry,. I'm tired . To which my youngest replies without skipping a beat, Hi tired,. I'm. Dylan

I could cry.......

My dad thought of a pun and took a picture of himself acting it out. http://i. imgur. com/wrddoRN. jpg I posted this to r/funny a while back but figure it's a dad joke too

He says his jokes are like paper, tearrrrable

Its all in the name I told my dad I had a friend with the last name Case

He replied, do they have a brother named Justin

Deja Vu While spending time with my parents in law, my father in law asks my wife, Ever get deja vu. No. Ever get deja vu. Oh my god. Ever get deja vu. Whoa

deja vu

I just read a list of 100 Things To Do Before You Die and I was quite surprised that. Yell for help

wasn't one of them

A jouster got injured during a match

He needed an ambu-Lance

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals

Phillipe Phillope

Dadjoked at the drive-thru So I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell last night, and the guy asked me if I wanted any sauce with my deliciously awful food, and I told him I wanted mild. I said, Several, if that's cool. He responded by saying, Well, it's gonna be mild, not cool

I had to pull into a parking space to give myself a minute to stop laughing

I asked my grandma, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift

” She said, “It’s driving me up the wall

Why did the train go to the sauna

To blow off some steam 🙅‍♂️🚂

Inquiry about my friend's father's shirt. Friend: What does your shirt say. His father: It doesn't say anything

You have to read it, dumbass

My best friend's un-funny wife dad-joked us. My wife was texting her inviting them over and said, We will be grilling brats if you guys want some

She responded with, No thanks, we generally try not to eat kids, regardless of their attitude

Got my wife three times On our way home from a cousins graduation a few hours away. Wife: Where are we. Me: In the truck. Wife: Smartass, where in the truck. Me: In the front seat. Wife: OK then, geographically, where is the truck. Me: On this road going that way

It was a good day

My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for obstructive

That's unreasonable

I tried drag racing the other day. It. IS

BRUTAL running in those heels

Wife said our baby is the size of a lemon Wife: that's pretty sweet huh. Me: No, that's sour

An uncle joke for the kids A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, Doc, what happened to my baby. The doctor replied, Ma'am, you've had twins. You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you. Oh, no. shrieked the woman. Not my brother. He's not really all together, if you know what I mean. The doctor replied, Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise. Oh, that's no so bad, smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, What's the boy's name

The doctor grinned and said, Denephew

My 4 year old brought home an updated See you later alligator from daycare this week. He said See you later, Alligator. , I started to reply with the usual in a while, crocodile but he beat me to it with don't forget your toilet paper. So proud, he'll crank a few dad jokes put when he has children of his own. It might be old (this is reddit

) but I never heard it before, I wish I knew that one as a kid

Hey guys. I’ve just made the world’s largest pizza base

I’d like to see anyone top that

I work at a deli shop and accidentally slid my finger in the meat slicer http://i. imgur. com/DOVihjf

jpg

Have you heard the one about the really deep hole in the ground. Well. Well

Well

I told my teacher that my bathroom break was only gonna be ten minutes. I got back thirty minutes later

Turns out I was full of shit

People without genders are usually bad programmers

since they're non-binary

Wife, yelling at earbuds: Why won't you just untangle

They'd rather knot

I've had a terrible day When I drove to work, I got a ticket. Then, when I came home, I crashed into a wall

I need a brake

Did you hear about the yoga instructor turned serial killer

Her murders were pre-*meditated

Sailing, in a nutshell http://tomb666666. tumblr

com/image/153908879669

I accidentally wore my Spanish friend’s rain boots instead of mine

Turns out these boots are made for Joaquin

One of the best things about living in Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant

I said sure, no sweat

Playing golf last weekend with my father. At the tee box about 15 yards in front of us were some ducks. I teed off and hit the ball fairly low and came pretty close to hitting one

My dad said, good thing he ducked to get out of the way

Dad can you come pick me up. No. I can't pick you up now. What. Why not. Mom said to call you when the club was over. You're too big for me to pick up any more. You're going to have to walk to the car. Heard this gem while my student called her dad

Everyone in the club did a facepalm

After my first blind date with this woman, I knew it wouldn't work out between us and ended it after that

She didn't see it coming

Friend got us good talking about food A few friends and I were talking about our food preferences. One friend says, White rice isn't that good for you, since most of the nutrients and fiber are taken away during the bleaching and processing. Brown rice is a lot better for you. Then my other friend replies, You know what they call people like you in Australia

Ricest

My company raffle was giving away a sea mammal as a prize

I didn't get the porpoise

Why are mushrooms so filling

Because once you've eaten them you don't have mushroom left

Why didn't the fruit get married

He cantaloupe

What is the difference between a man in a tuxedo riding a bicycle and a bum on a tricycle

Attire

I'm starting a minimalist orchestra

It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles

What do you call a snake that works for the government

A civil serpent

It doesn't matter how nice you are

German children are kinder.

Train conductors are crazy

They have loco motives.

What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument

A trombone

In a couple of days a champion lost many of his trophies

turned out that he suffered from atrophy

Gonna start a website called. Onlydads

Where it’s just gonna be a bunch of dads clicking tongues and pulling power tool triggers

A Shetland pony walks into a bar. He's coughing and spluttering. With a strained voice, he asks the bartender for a glass of water, and thirstily guzzles down the entire glass in one go. You must have really needed that. said the bartender, Do you feel any better

Well, I'm still a little hoarse

NSFW Why do deaf people masturbate only with one hand

Because they moan with the other

How do you get an elephant in a car

Try the trunk first

How many volunteers do we have for my evil army. King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army

Squire: 384 my liege K: Ok, round them up S: 400 my liege

My dog's got no. We all know the classic: - My dog's got no nose. How does he smell. Terrible. - But there are so many possible variations, so rarely explored. - My dog's got no eyes. How does he look. Terrible - My dog's got no tongue. How does he taste. Terrible - My dog's got no nervous system. How does he feel. Terrible - My dog's got no car. How does he drive. Terrible - My dog's got no sense of humour. How does he joke. Terrible -

your turn

Some people won't ever believe the Earth is spherical

They flat-out deny the possibility

Which instrument is the most indecisive

The p-yeah-no

Dadjoked by my boyfriend

He's struggling to fold a fitted bed sheet when he says: I'm getting too old for this sheet.

The store I used to work at had a customer drive into the building. For the next month, every dad in my town went through my line saying Huh, I didn't know you had a drive thru

One right after the other, it was like a dad assembly line from hell

If your phone autocorrects fuck to duck, it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood. He said, everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone

Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish

I’m avoiding playing board games with my family

I really don’t want to die

My dad told me why he can't grow a full beard He said he's part native american, Apache to be specific

He gets Apache here and Apache there

I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce. She said 'whatever floats your boat'

So I said no, that's buoyancy

If a King gets a King size mattress and a Queen gets a Queen size mattress, then what does a Prince get

An heir mattress

My brother and. I are trying to come up with an extensive list of vegetable related puns

Lettuce know if you have any

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon

Apparently they've got great food, but no atmosphere

A man came across a giant and a midget in a bar. A man came across a giant and a midget in a bar. How did you get so tall. a man asked the giant who replied, I eat what's right. The man then turned to the midget to enquire, How did you get so short

bringing the reply of, I eat what's left

Got my mom with cookies. Mom: Oh that's good, only 130 calories for the whole packet Me: Why would you eat the packet

Dad: *laughs*

My 12yo daughter gave me a dad joke for father's day http://imgur. com/kQMB1of She is quite the artist and I have been bugging her to create a painting for me for a while now

She has certainly delivered

My son left his luggage in the garage Where ya goin' son. To grab my bag

The bathroom has more privacy, son

What kinda bee makes milk

Boobies

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup

Anyone can mash potatoes

This city isn't the same since Francisco left

:( It's Sans Francisco

Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C

Because you can’t C in the dark

Why did the can crusher quit his job

It was soda pressing

What did the Spanish speaking magician say right before he performed his vanaishing trick. Uno, dos. And then POOF. He disappeared

Without a tres

A man at church was talking about helping his young son learn about fractions

My dad made sure to tell him there is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator

What grades do you need to become a pirate

7 C’s

What time did the man go to the dentist

Tooth hurt-y

Why shouldn't you stay close to a speaker all the time

Because it hertz your ears

I walked into an underemployed martial arts dojo today and offered my skills

In no time, I was HI-YA'd

What do you call. Bears with no ears ?

B

People who grow herbs are really efficient

They're great at thyme management.

Need help with your boat

I Noah guy

I haven't owned a watch

for I don't know how long

What did one duracell Battery say to another

mAh Man

Did you hear about the lawyer who only ate gold

He passed the bar

Every time we hear a police/ambulance/fire engine siren

“He’ll never sell any ice creams going at that speed”

What’s a French Rastafarian’s favourite fruit

Le Mon

What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhinoceros

Ellephino

My wife asked if I could go one day without mentioning ninjas

I said: shur I ken

I would tell you my butter joke

But I’m afraid you would spread it

I eat a donut every day

But slowly I’m getting tired of the hole thing