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My friend got me the other day. The other day I was shopping with my friend and I saw that a bag of pears was $9 and decided that was too expensive | He told me that the price was for two bags and when I looked at the sign to verify, he pointed out that it was for a pear |
During a conversation about the tallest structures. Friend: I think the tallest is that building in Dubai. Me: In Dubai. Friend: Yeah, but I heard it's still under construction. Me: Really. Well, do you know when it's due by | Friend: |
Gift Shopping with the Wife My wife and I were out shopping, and stumped on what to get for my brother and sister-in-law. Wife: Maybe they'd like a berry bowl | Me: I don't know, they might find that gift un-berry-bowl |
Came in from doing yardwork, sweaty and hot Said to my father, It's hot out there. He said, The sun must be out. I said, The son is out, trimming trees with the mom | Eyes rolled |
Dad joked while watching Superbad. I made the mistake of watching Superbad with my parents in high school | Once we were maybe 10-15 minutes in my dad shut it off and said this: That movie was super bad |
My actual dad just laid this on me Dad: You know how birds fly in V's. Me: Yeah of course Dad: Do you know why one side is always longer than the other. Me: No. Why | Dad: Because there are more birds on that side of course |
You're allowed to say guys, lunch is on me and not pay. How | Just spill some of your food on your lap |
Met a girl last night whose parents didn't let her watch The Simpsons when she was younger | I asked if her parents were Homerphobic |
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle | Attire |
I was fixing my car with my son. He said | I should just use my tools instead |
Infamous Second Father, Dad just got me in the car. Was explaining Infamous to dad and mentioned the main character went to Seattle. I finished explaining the story and he replies: Oh good . They all lived happily ever after. Now whos Attle anyway. What do you mean. I replied Well the main character went to See Attle you said | He shone with pride |
What do you call the money a hooker makes | Incum |
Why was the bird optimistic. Because it was a pelican not a pelican't. Tried that on my wife, her sister, and my nieces on a ferry today | Got one laugh and two eye rolls that probably affected the rotation of the Earth |
This guy made it to dad status before he was even a dad [x-post /r/funny] [this guy](http://imgur | com/0ZrWDpQ) |
The neighborhood dogs always come up to the tree in my backyard | It's covered in bark |
Doctor, I can't feel my legs. Doctor: I know | We amputated your arms |
Why did Hitler need glasses | Because he could Nazi a single thing |
Going deaf. Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf | I haven’t heard from him since |
I asked my buddy how his bathroom was coming along Buddy - just dug a hole in the concrete with out any problems Me - nice, looks like it cement to be Buddy - *blank stare* you should be a dad so your 'dad jokes' can just be 'jokes' That was a couple weeks ago, so this past weekend I asked how it was going. Buddy - just finished laying the tile down. Me - awesome, I grout you'll have any problems here on out | Buddy - get out of my house |
Why move to Switzerland | Well, the flag is a plus |
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said thanks | I said don't mention it |
To be frank | I'd have to change my name |
I had a problem with my students saying good when I asked them how they are doing | I guess you can say I taught them *well* |
I joined a club for people with. Tourettes. Syndrome | It took me 4 hours to get sworn in |
What did the cat say when he got kicked out of the house | Why are you kicking mewo t |
If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control | A swallow |
I hope I passed history As those who fail history are doomed to repeat it | Credit goes to /u/Tehrasha who is a dad |
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms | One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year |
I became friends with a stone, and he drowned | It was a shame, because I was very attached to him |
Got the window replacement guy yesterday Window Guy: Once we get a delivery date from the factory, we'll call you to set up an install time. We like to shoot for 4-5 days after delivery | My Response: So you'll call and give me a window |
Daughter saw her math teacher We were out and it went down like this. Her: oh it is my math teacher. Me: oh cool. Her: I thought I recognized her but I wasn't sure Me : and then you put 2 and 2 together | Her : omg dad |
Dad Jokes for Mothers Day http://imgur | com/Lphk8Ai |
What do you call a snake in charge of the philharmonic orchestra | A boa conductor |
Tennis dad joke that I finally understand I go out and play tennis with my dad once a week. Tennis scoring goes love, 15, 30, 40. Every time he says the score at the beginning of a game he yells, Hippies. instead of Love all | And I just now understood it |
Just bought a new lounge | Sofa, so good |
Shanghai. No | He's sober |
Mom walked right into that one. While researching gift ideas for my nieces and nephew; my mom texts me and asks, What's the difference between an Xbox 360 and an Xbox One | About 359 |
I wanted to try a new. Middle. Eastern vegetarian diet | But to be honest it just made me falafel. |
He says things like this all the time Sitting in my parent's living room with my wife, she just got some new TOMS shoes with sheet music on them. Dad: *Walks into living room and stares at wife's shoes* Wife: What are you staring at. *laughs* Dad: Oh sorry, I was just. noting | your shoes |
Did you guys hear about the big birdwatching event tonight | Supposedly there was a superb owl |
I made friends with a pot of water, but my wife just used him to boil spaghetti | He will be mist. |
I live with a bunch of loonies Roommate is eating some tortilla chips called Santitas Me: Oh, sanitary chips, that's some clean eating Roommate: No, they're sanitarium chips | Me: In that case, they must be *crazy good* |
This got no love over in AskReddit, but figured fellow DadJokers might enjoy http://www. reddit. com/r/AskReddit/comments/309261/whats_the_hardest_english_word_to_pronounce/cpqrd1a Q: What's the hardest English word to pronounce. A: No, what's not even close to being the hardest word to pronounce | Sheesh |
Well | That's a deep subject |
The best date ever. I'm a female and my dad asked what I was doing this past Saturday night. Me: I'm going to see that movie Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg. Dad: Wow. You got a date with Marky Mark | I'm impressed |
How did the Wright brothers come up with the first airplane | They didn't just pull it out of thin air |
How does the sun say hi to the moon | With a heat wave |
My girlfriend just asked me this I just opened a beer and she didn't know it was a screw cap. Her: Did you open that with your bare hands. Me: No I just used my normal human ones | It took her a while to understand what I said |
Got my girlfriend asking her to carry me I was reading the relationships ask reddit thread and read some to my SO. I came across a comment saying Don't look for a girl you want to treat like a princess, look for a girl you want to treat like a partner. Its very true. I don't mind carrying my SO, but I need to know she can carry me if I feel down. She looked at me and said can I carry you sometimes. And I said of course you can, sometimes I don't like walking | She glared at me and then proceeded to get off the bed |
I found a snake that was exactly 3 | 14 meters long I think it was a Pi-thon |
What kind of milk do lactose intolerant Christians drink | Amen milk |
My father used this on me in '93. I hope my girlfriend will forgive me. http://i. imgur. com/MIR1SPo | png |
What do you call a factory that makes average products | A satisfactory. |
I accidentally overdosed on viagra yesterday | Hardest day of my life |
I discovered a locomotive that never lies | I call it the true true train |
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photographer | But it didn't develop |
Lucifer, the gorgeous fallen angel. [X-post /r/tumblr] http://i. imgur. com/fmGslhx | jpg |
I once asked the Queen of Spain about her husband's surprising sex routines | she laughed and said: No-one expects the Spanish King's position |
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France | They were cooked in Greece |
Toilet trouble Me: Dad, the toilet won't flush again Dad: Ahh | its such a shitty toilet He is right though |
What’s Forrest Gump’s Reddit name | 1Forrest1 |
Dadjoked my fiance Going through the English alphabetic phonetics and she blanks on U and says U for unicorn. Me: No. U for Uniform. Her: Why can't U be a unicorn. Me: Because I was born a human being babe | Her: *Rolls eyes and pulls the finger* |
Got my sister with a tailgate pun Me: Are you sure you want me to drop you off to tailgate in the rain like this. Her: Yeah it's fine, we have a canopy. Me: Ugh, that doesn't sound very good | A whole can |
Dad was accused of ruining a family portrait | But he swore he was framed. |
The cat jumped into my lap tonight and I told my wife that it has a favorite side to be pet on | The outside |
What's the difference between a cat and a comma | One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause |
i'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet | I just don't know why |
Where do poor Italians live | In the spa-ghetto |
Took one for the team Gf: I really want to go to one of those ice bars Me: I heard those are really cool. Gf: well we're going then | Couldn't resist it and now I'm Going to an ice bar in the middle of winter in New England |
My dad dropped this at the dinner table on. New. Year's. Day *Looks at watch*, | I can't believe it's 20:16 already! |
I was wondering why the baseball grew bigger and bigger, | Then it hit me |
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad | It's a faux pa |
Caught a couple dudes beating up a little kid , so I stepped in to help | Little bastard didn’t stand a chance against the three of us |
Yesterday I saw a guy spill allhis scrabble letters on tge road | I asked him, What's the word on the street |
I couldn't duck this one. My parents were over last night, and I was in the process of curing some duck breasts for Christmas. I was trimming the skin when my dad walked over. What are you doing there, son. Curing this duck. I don't know if you can cure it. It looks dead to me. Dammit, dad | Flawless execution |
Dad joked the waitress Waitress is taking our order. Dad: I'd like a rubber band sandwich | And make it snappy |
What's one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat. LEEKS | (my 10yo told me this - he said he thought it up himself |
What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood | A spa-ghetto |
Mom's trying to back out of a space I'm in the back seat and she says, I can't see what's behind me. It's me, mom. I replied | Much glaring ensued |
Restaurant owner got dadjoked at dinner last night After dinner the owner of the restaurant at which we were eating came up to the table and asked how we found the service. My dad didn't hesitate before answering I dunno, they just kinda came up to the table with the doofiest smile on his face | Gotta love him |
My Buddhist friend accidentally swallowed a Scrabble tile | It was really hard for him to find his inner piece |
So I was playing tennis with my Dad It was super windy, and we had decided to play outside. Me - This is pretty awful tennis weather, Dad | Dad - Yeah, the wind really blows |
Since we're on China jokes. If you spin a China Man around fast enough | does he get disoriented |
I was in orchestra class And the teacher found a spring on the ground. He twisted it so it looked like the corner of a square, and said 'Spring is right around the corner | ' Sorry if this is the wrong sub to post it in, I just found it worthy of this sub |
Bladder Infection | Urine trouble |
90s Eurodance group Technotronic recently bought a factory that manufactures all types of fruit preserves However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs. After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution | They decided to Pump Up The Jam |
Which cheese is made backwards | Edam |
My 66 year old father had an unprompted dad joke today. http://m. imgur | com/hFfPDa9 |
How do raisin’s leave the house | By raisin the roof |
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says We don't serve strings in this bar. So the string walks out, ruffles his hair a bit, and walks back in. He sits down and crosses his legs as the bartender says I thought I told you we don't serve strings in this bar | The string replies I'm a frayed knot |
Dad, I think I need new glasses Dad: When's the last time you got your eyes checked. Daughter: Last month, but I haven't had new glasses since high school. I need new glasses. Dad: Maybe that's something you should look into | Daughter: |
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word | I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French |
Two very hungry men were wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree. One runs up to eat the bacon, when all of the sudden he starts getting shot at from out of nowhere. He yells to his friend, watch out. It's not a bacon tree. It's a hambush | *Borrowed from a friend who is very much dad material |
Old man and I have entered a new realm I've never been close with my dad, but he got me good this morning. My band got a short review online, and the first image is another band's picture of shirtless, tattooed dudes. Dad (sarcastically): Is that you guys, half-naked and tattooed up. Me: Ha, yeah that's us. Nobody's ever noticed till now | Dad: I know, I *barely* even recognized you |
What is the cure for a gluten allergy | The anti-dough |
What do you call a place wherein all of the dirtiest jobs in the world are reflected | A Mike Rowe-cosm |
Killin the game Mom: we have a reservation at 6:15 at Scratch Bar | Dad: I have an itch, so looking forward to it |
What did the priest shout at the salad bar | LETTUCE PRAY |
My wife gave birth to our boy while. I was driving her to the hospital. We named him | Carson |
I have a fear of speed bumps | Im slowly getting over it |