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dadjokes

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How do you know Santa is good at karate

He has a black belt

I was sick the other day My wife came in the bedroom with soup and asked how do you feel

I responded With my hands

My dad was a seismologist

He could never get a steady job

Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom

Because he didn't have anybody to go with

All the Pringle ladies, all the Pringle ladies. All the Pringle ladies, all the Pringle ladies

They get their hands STUCK

Wanna hear a joke about a jump rope

Ehhh, skip it

Talking about McDonald's. Me: You know they have a Cajun quarter pounder now

Dad: I don't know if I'd like it, maybe on occajun

When my wife said she'd had enough of my dad jokes. I told her not to worry because I was all out of jokes. I was completely joke broke

In fact, you could say I was punniless

Are you today's date

Because you're 10/10

What genre are national anthems. Country

🤣

One of my buddies living in Tel Aviv just got evicted

The struggle Israel

Dad got my sister who went LARPing over the weekend My sister went to a LARP over the weekend as a bard and brought her ukulele. My dad had this to say when she got back You know, you better be careful running around the woods with your ukulele

You could get minstrel cramps

My battery died when I was recording my wife giving a toast at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary

Now I’m never going to hear the end of it

What do you call a room that's full of fungus

A mushroom

*holds up my fingers* Me: How many numbers am I holding up. Them: Seven

Me: No ya doofus I'm holding up fingers

Orthopedicians are bad at poker

They don’t care about your hand

A rite of passage. Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey. ' She replies. 'I'm pregnant. ' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant

I'm dad

You know why vampires are so conceited

They've got no self-reflection

Little late, but I think /r/dadjokes would like to see a list of my New Years resolutions 1. 1920 x 1080 (tower PC) 2. 1366 x 768 (chromebook) 3. 1080p (TV) 4. 1024 x 600 (tablet) 5

360 x 480 (phone)

What’s a group of homosexual lions called

Gay pride

Two men on a bus back from Disney World Two men on a bus back from Disney World saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. Being They debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee. Things got heated so they agreed to ask when they stopped for lunch the cashier. After approaching the cashier, one man asks, “Could you please very slowly and clearly tell us where we are

” The cashier looks at him and says “Buuurrrgggerr Kiiiinggghh

Asked my dad if he could turn the light off when he left the room

I'd be delighted

Four year-old nephew loves me more Dropping my nephew off after a day of hanging out: Him: I love you, auntie. Me: I love you, too. Him: I love you ten. I didn't get it or laugh until I was half way down the street

I'm also going to steal a 4 year-old's joke

How do potatoes get to the moon

They fly in space-chips

This toilet paper is terrible

A real pain in my ass

How did cavemen meet cavewomen

They went out clubbing

Got dadjoked by my dad after I dadjoked my mom So my mom had jsut gone to the store to get extra fine filter floss for the aquarium I am setting up for her. The conversation went like this: Mom: I saw this and thought it is what you meant. It's super-fine floss. Will this work. Me: Yeah, that's fine (mom rolls eyes) Dad: Well that's what she said zwhenry, it's fine. Will it work though

My mom left the room without another word while my dad and I were trying to contain our laughter

Sunburns Not a dad, but this came out when I was talking to my roommate. Roommate: It's weird, of all the places I've lived the only place I've gotten sunburned is Florida. Me: That is weird, the only place I've ever been sunburned is on my skin

Roommate: You're an idiot

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches

A nervous wreck

I’m addicted to left over thanksgiving food

I can’t quit cold turkey

What's the best part about living in Switzerland

Well the flag is a big plus

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog

Darth Vader: What is the temperature of my son's lightsaber

Lukewarm

I was going to tell you a joke about a herd of cows

But it's pasture bed time

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying

Are u in a “crysis”

What do you call a broken can opener

A can't opener

If 666 is evil then wouldn’t 25

8069758 be the root of all evil

What is the average length of a python

14 m

Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party. Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party

Just the wife, but she's more of a ten

Dad joked by my friends mom Me: hey David, new episodes of South Park are coming out in September. Friend's mom: I didn't know South Park was gay

Made us think for a minute but it got a laugh out of us

Stop Ahead When I was younger me and my dad would drive past the Stop Ahead sign and he would put his hand to my forehead if I was in the Passenger seat

Good times

Transformers , robots in disguise

and on de ground

What do you call a fat psychic

A four-chin teller

Why couldn't Luke Skywalker have been Jewish

Because he had force kin

My college-aged son tried to get a reaction out of me. He got a dadjoke instead. http://i. imgur. com/ZoC1DLL

png

My patio is covered in green stuff Mother Nature has taken a lichen to me

Moss definitely

What's the highest selling car of people with ADHD

The Ford Focus

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why

I got run over

Dad does dementia run in the family. I don't remember

(Offical dad joke from my dad)

My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake

She’s still not talking to me

My 8 year old comes up with dad jokes all the time. This is what she just told me: what do you call a triceratops in a hospital

Dino-sore

Ya know,. I feel bad for plungers

They’ve been through a lot of shit.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan

You take away its tiny little broom

You know what's blue and not heavy at all

Light blue

Is this where I post my hoagies and U-boats

I heard it was a great sub reddit

How do you make an altar boy crispy

Throw him into a deep friar

My younger brother and I went fishing with my dad this weekend My brother and I both caught some nice fish at almost the same time. My dad exclaimed My two seamen

and clapped us on the back and started laughing to himself

Did you know you can't run through a campsite

You can only 'Ran' because it's past tents

Construction with dad Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them. Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall. No, a fence. None taken. He responded with a glorious eye roll

It said, I'm proud of you, son

What do you call a giant pile of cats

A meowntain

My skills at sharpening my knives are atrophying

I really need to hone them

What did the blind teacher say the bad student

Great, now I have 3 useless pupils

Just found a collection of dad jokes on imgur. http://imgur

com/gallery/Wnu4S

Bit serious but it was an attempt to lighten the mood. Girlfriend: Does depression come in waves. Me: Actually I think it comes between them. Her:

Alright that was kinda funny

Got my girlfriend good GF: Why are you rushin

Me: It's genetic babe

What's the difference between a hoedown and a hootenanny

One's when your prostitute falls on the floor, and the other is when your babbysitter is making owl sounds

What did the yoga instructor say to his Mom she tried to leave

Nah Ma, stay

I got dadjoked by my girlfriend this morning. For breakfast, we were making pancakes and as she started stirring the pancake mix I asked if she wanted help

She said, why whisk it

A mexican magician was about to finish up his set He turns to the audience and say I will now disappear without a trace

Uno, dos *POOF*

I got in big trouble for the photos I sent to the women at the office

I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics

A guy on drugs ran up to me to just tell me he has only 4 teeth left

Quick meths

What training do garbage collectors need

None, they just pick it up as they go

Successfully made my dad groan with this one today Hey dad, I tried that Indian bread you bought. Oh yeah. How was it. Good. I tried putting it in the toaster but the top stuck out and didn't get toasted. Really, though, it's a naan issue

What do soda/pop manufacturers go to college for

Fizzyology

What did the giraffe say before being attacked by a lion

Easy tiger

So you're Binge Reading. This was to my younger sister. Me: what are you reading. Her: she holds up her book and the spine says Binge Me: So you're Binge reading

And she rolled her eyes harder than I've ever seen

My half sister just got a really bad infection just like me

She's my Sepsis

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college

Bison

I let my buddy try these special glasses that let you visualize the words that come out of someone's mouth

Whoa , he replied, I see what you're saying

What do you call Hitler in the water

Adolfin

What do you call dental x-rays

Tooth pics

John only eats pizza with pepperoni

I eat them with my family

A man was arrested

A man carrying a ruler, a protractor, and a calculator was arrested tonight for being in possession of instruments of math instruction

Farmers notice : Public access to this field and footpath is free

But the Bull charges

Why is vegan restaurants a bad choice for dates

You just can't meat there

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

Discovery Channel's Dad Week I was talking to my friends about shark week and one of them said that he felt like this year wasn't that great to which I responded I know. It really jumped the shark

Everyone stared at me for about 45 seconds of horrible judgmental silence until one of my friends just said Goddammit

What do you call a Labrador Retriever trained to smell for meth

A Meth Lab

You know what's shady

Umbrellas

An old man walks slowly and gingerly into an ice cream shop and orders a banana split. Waitress: Crushed nuts

Man: No, arthritis

My spare car key doesn't turn the engine, but it lets me get into the car

I guess, just like my jokes, it's just a little door key

My wife is incredibly smart When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”

She already knew it was me

Futurama does the best dad jokes [image] [xpost /r/futurama] http://i. imgur. com/tSen010

jpg

My son is going to be a good dad someday. Me: Is that cool or what. 2

5 year old son: *serious tone* It's what

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought

It is an extremely rare dish order

I countered a customer's dadjoke with another dadjoke. A guy holding a large bundle of birthday balloons got into my cab last night. Him: So. do you accept balloon payments

Me: Normally I would, but inflation has just been so high recently

My first post ever on reddit

My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas

The bible says

to love one another as you love yourself, but you can't exactly go around jacking people off so I guess the bible is wrong