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Why did the cookie go to the doctor

Because he was feeling crummy

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises

It becomes daytrogen

Where the the pregnant woman sit in the stadium

In the C Section

My friends claim. I'm the cheapest person they ever met

I'm not buying it

What did my grandfather say right before he kicked the bucket

Want to see how far I can kick this bucket

Jesus was the black panther. Because he

Wakanda water

Someone told me 91 degrees was hot

But that's just obtuse

Do we really dream in color

Or is it just a pigment of our imagination

Gordon Ramsay dad joked a chef Ramsay: So how can you screw up fish & chips. Chef: It was not communicated right, chef

Ramsy: Oh you didn't talk to the fish enough

What kind of food do King Arthur's Knights eat during long quests

Grail mix

Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables

A deus vult

NASA should build a pub on Mars

Mars bar

I finally decided to do something about my weight

From now on, I'm simply going to lie about it

They're developing a pill for premature ejaculation

It's not out yet, but it's coming soon

I got lost when finding my partner at the last BDSM party

Oops, wrong sub

What did the farmer say at the party

Lettuce Turnip the Beet

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse

Mascarpone

You just couldn't help yourself, could you. Warning. Lots of set up. So, if my husband and I take a long car trip with our son, we put in the spa station from satellite radio (it plays exactly the kind of music you think it does) to help him nap. The band names and songs have some silly names, so we'll sit and make up our own titles to pass the time. A song came on that was very sitar-heavy and the following conversation ensued: **Me:** I'm sitting here trying to think of a bunch of sitar puns. **Husband:** well, thank you for not sharing them with me. **Me:** I guess it's because I'm so con-SITAR-ate, huh

Cue eyerolling as I tried not to wake our son with giggles

Why do Australians have such a hard time playing chess

They can't tell the difference between Checkmate and Check, mate

After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in

It was his claim to flame

Who was the fattest knight in Camelot

Sir Cumference

Ripped the knee of my pants today. Guess ill be using them for church from now on

Since they became holy and all

I’ve created a new word

Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)

They took my 4’6” friend in for questioning the other day

I have to admit, he was a little suspect.

Knock knock Who’s there. Broken pencil Broken pencil who

Nevermind it’s pointless

TIL: Robert de Niro is playing the lead role in the upcoming movie about The Lord of the Rings trilogy

The movie is called You Tolkien to me

My brother got me good when we were putting up Christmas decorations. Him: 'Do you know who my favourite Christmas singer is. ' Me: 'No . ' Him: 'A-*wreath*-a Franklin

' (*holds up Christmas wreath*) I groaned

What is blue but less heavy

Light blue

Got my husband the dog groomer on the way to work today. We were listening to Florence and the Machine's Dog Days Are Over while driving. Me: I'm going to play this for you when you retire. Him: Why. Me: Cause the dog days will be over

Him: That was terrible and I want a divorce

What is a turtle’s favorite gas station

Shell

My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem. Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS. He continued on, So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax. Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his workbench and inventory. Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms. Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes

I love that woman so very much

Why can't you play poker in the jungle

There are to many cheetahs

My water and electricity bills came at the same time this month

Needless to say, I was shocked

My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaid dresses by Saturday

She seamstressed

Did you hear of the water that boiled away

It shall be mist :'(

My son was looking for books on dinosaurs. So I asked the librarian to suggest a good author

Try Sarah Topps she said

Drawing a plane Dad: I am getting really good at drawing, I can draw anything I want to now. Me: okay draw me a plane. Dad: here you go. Me: but that is a box. Dad: the plane is in the box. Me: MOM

Dad is trying to be funny again

To be frank

i'd have to change my name

Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat

He was medaling in other people’s affairs

November

More like Novem-brrrr (because it’s cold)

A man was found abusing words

He got a sentence.

I spend alot of time of reddit My roommate notices this and today asks me ugh are you on reddit again. I say of course i am. She responds with haven't you reddit all

All the eye rolling starts

After our plane landed. I asked a family in front of me, So, what brought you to Madison

The dad quickly said, The airplane

Have you guys heard about the police investigation into the death of a chickpea

It was a hummus-ide

Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven Sir” Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven” Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Six. ” Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven

” Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From” Very Angry Pappu: “Because I Already Have One At Home“

What's the fastest liquid in the world

Milk because before you know it, it's pasturize

What's a midget psychic running from the police

A small medium at large

My dad took a picture of a shelf He showed it to me and said look

I took a shelfie

Be there or be square

because you won't be a-round

How did the grammar nazi die

They got semicolon cancer

Have you seen our toilet roll. asked my wife. Don't be daft, I replied

A toilet is a stationary object

What would Forrest Gumps email password be

1Forrest1

The age of consent in England was set around 1890. In my opinion it's way too high. I don't think anyone's lived that long. Source: http://qdb

us/143464

Dad joke from my 13 y/o brother At an outdoor ice cream place when a person gets handed their banana split. Promptly drops his order on the ground and without skipping a beat my brother says Looks like he got a banana splat

I was the only family member to laugh

Why does parsley grow so fast

Because it's always in a race against thyme

I. WRITE. ALL. MY. PUNS. IN. CAPITALS. THIS. ONE. WAS. WRITTEN. IN

OSLO!

I submitted a statue of myself shaped like a butt to an art contest

I didn’t win but the judges said I made a real ass of myself

What’s the advantage to being a test tube baby

You get a womb with a view

I thought up a great way to lose weight

You must get struck by lightening

What's the most annoying pepper. One that's jalapeño business. Just received via text courtesy of the man himself

Thanks dad for the useless internet points

They say time flies like an arrow

But fruit flies like a banana

Restaurants are prime places for dad jokes. Yesterday at lunch- Server: How are we doing the bill

Dad: We'd rather not

What do you call someone that worships The Fonz

An ayyye theist

Why is Peter Pan constantly flying

Because he neverlands

My doctor keeps telling me I need to do something about my 10/10 vision

I just can’t see the problem with that

What do you call buying too much kitchen equipment

Taking unnecessary whisks

Dad, how do you think of these awful jokes. Dad: Huh

Oh I just end the sentence with the funniest word underpants

Why did Richard Nixon say he burnt his steak

I'm not a cook

I have 3 pairs of Star Wars socks, each pair is missing one sock

Each pair of Star Wars socks has a Rogue One

Who's the coolest person in the hospital when the ultra sound man isn't around

The Hip Guy

What's a chef's favourite drug

Pot

It was getting late so. I decided to hit the sack. After a while it started to hurt so

I went to sleep

What do you call a sheet set where the fitted sheet doesn’t match the flat sheet

Fraternal twin sheets

Archeologists in. Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. It's beleived to be the long lost. Pharoah

Rocher.

A holiday themed joke I was driving in the car with my daughter when The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole comes on the radio Daddy, how do they roast chestnuts

On an open fire, duh Cue eye roll and a 9 year old googling the answer

This is really worrying, but

Uranus is blue

Does music make you think

It made Stevie wonder

Tri-tip dad joke Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip. Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water. Me: I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level Dad: Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice. In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice

Thats why they call it tri-tip

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems

Then again, neither does milk

My SO kept joking about bears being in our backyard. Our six year old said dad, stop

You're going to give me nightbears

How come pirates are funny

Because they just AAAARRRRRE

My son didn't cope well with going to jail. He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit

After that, we never played Monopoly again

How does Moses make tea

Hebrews it

What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive

Popeye punched him

Dad sees for the first time (xpost form /r/gifs) http://i. imgur. com/lniAs6J

gifv

Changed the contact name of my house phone I changed my home phone's contact name in my cell phone to ET

Now when I ask siri to call ET, it phones home

Wife asked if I wanted to go see a quilt museum

I said no I hear it’s full of squares

Coworker got us on the weather Manager near us: do you see how windy it is out there

Coworker: yeah it's blowing my mind

Wanna hear a limousine joke

Never mind, it's too long

When a women reaches a certain age she begins acquiring cats

This is known as manypaws

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb

Let's go play with our bikes

I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns

it's the dadliest catch

A unique rabbit. My dad told me this one at dinner. Dad: How do you catch a unique rabbit. Me: . i don't know. Dad: 'Unique' up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit. Me: (Still rolling my eyes at the first punch line) i don't know. The 'tame' way

Unique up on it

So a teen asks his crush to the prom, which she agrees to On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit. However, once he gets there, there’s a line, so he waits. and waits. and waits. After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage. When he gets to the flower shop, however, there’s an even bigger line, so he waits. and he waits. and he waits. Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff. So he waited. and waited. Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom. But there’s a line to get into the school, so they wait. and wait. At last, they are in the prom and dancing away. After a while, they get thirsty. So they head for the refreshment table and

There’s no punch line

I just recently discovered this subreddit, so I'm sorry if it's a repost http://m. imgur

com/qrjFGOs

What do you call a Japanese man with $10,000

A Mill-yen-aire

Why did the hipster burn his tongue

Because he ate his pizza before it was cool

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear

Sneakers

Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen

Snowballs

A child has some feelings boy: “Mom, dad. I don’t feel comfortable in this body. I’m not a girl” dad: “I understand dear. I have one question though. ” boy: “What is it

” dad: “Does that make me a- a- a transparent