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[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-15T19:36:49.000Z | cqusmf | 2 | 1 | ptsd | (TW sexual assault) I could really use some advice/support right now. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqusmf/tw_sexual_assault_i_could_really_use_some/ |
aybarafaile | I woke up today in a puddle of sweat from nightmares and more clumps of hair falling out.
Peeps, nothing is all that bad in my life. I was offered a promotion yesterday, I have an offer for a third job, I can pay all of my bills, and I have a great social life. All in all: killing it.
But my emotional state is so down and so scared. I cry at least 5 times a day. My body has been super reactive with hives, trembling, and pee urgency. I’m a wreck and it makes no sense.
How do you keep your feelings more inline with your reality? | 2019-08-15T14:14:20.000Z | cqqdtq | 1 | 3 | ptsd | My Feels Are Mismatched | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqqdtq/my_feels_are_mismatched/ |
[deleted] | It doesn't matter how good the experience is, it doesn't matter who it's with, it's completely anxiety inducing and on some level retraumatizing. I don't know if I'm moving too quick and scaring myself or what. | 2019-08-15T13:39:28.000Z | cqpymy | 17 | 115 | ptsd | Really cool how every romantic experience I have is retraumatizing on some level | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqpymy/really_cool_how_every_romantic_experience_i_have/ |
PullingThrough | I was diagnosed with PTSD and am curious what forms it shows up in? I feel like most all of the things I feel are "Normal" so I'm wondering in what ways it shows up for others. | 2019-08-15T10:54:10.000Z | cqo8ij | 8 | 3 | ptsd | What forms does PTSD show up in? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqo8ij/what_forms_does_ptsd_show_up_in/ |
craftylikea | I helped my mother through hospice care a year and a half ago. She spent almost a week in her final coma before dying, and that whole time her breathing became progressively worse. She died from a brain tumor, so at the end it was an entirely mechanical process that sounded like desperate gasps.
Now I have panic attacks sometimes when my partner's snoring or apnea send me into panic attacks and/or horrible nightmares. Like now.
I hate this. | 2019-08-15T08:16:56.000Z | cqn0a9 | 0 | 3 | ptsd | Snoring/apnea major trigger | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqn0a9/snoringapnea_major_trigger/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-15T06:01:17.000Z | cqlyb2 | 4 | 6 | ptsd | What do you do when your spouse, who has never raised a hand to you, sets off your PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqlyb2/what_do_you_do_when_your_spouse_who_has_never/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-15T06:00:22.000Z | cqly1t | 1 | 3 | ptsd | I don’t want more turbulence. I want empowerment. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqly1t/i_dont_want_more_turbulence_i_want_empowerment/ |
thelastofthewolves | Hello everyone; I’ve been reading through many of your stories and I am blown away by your bravery. Your courage has given me the confidence to post a bit about my past and my current journey to recovery from post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.
When I was roughly four years old I was sexually abused by a neighbor repeatedly until I was six. The violation of trust broke me; the memories of this incident haunt me. Even as a young girl I would wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares of the Incident. My neighbor’s sick smile as he abused me and made me promise to keep his “secret.” I went from a sweet and friendly child to one that was often irritated and rebellious. Being the good girl had gotten me abused, so I believe subconsciously my mind decided that I could protect myself by becoming what my abuser didn’t want. My issues were not helped my my family life; my parents had a volatile marriage and fought constantly. My father was a philanderer and caused my mother a lot of pain and embarrassment. My father made me interact with his mistress and her family and even made me call her my “aunt.” Weird, much? But it was their screaming and fighting that affected my sister and I the most. You would think it was World War Three in our home the way we would cower. Eventually, my father admitted to my mother that he didn’t want to fix their relationship and so he pretty much emotionally abandoned us and moved out. He and I have not been close since I was a naive little girl.
Looking back; it’s easy to see that I had PTSD. I was sometimes a very angry child and had trouble paying attention in school. I would get this empty stare in my eyes and dissociate from the present. My mind would flash to the abuse and all the life would be sucked out of me in a moment. Recently, I have developed a distaste for crowded and loud places—so big parties are a no go. Hell, even theme parks and restaurants can be Hell for me. Depression has been an even harder war to win—I cope with my issues of feeling inadequate by overeating, which affects everything else about me. There’s days all I want to do is lay in my bed and block out the world. I dealt with suicidal urges and the desire for all the pain to just go away.
I am doing better now and will be going back to therapy and going on medication in a month. I’m sorry if this post is vague or disjointed; I just wanted to get my thoughts out for now. Thank you for reading. | 2019-08-15T04:02:14.000Z | cqkvmn | 5 | 16 | ptsd | My Childhood | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqkvmn/my_childhood/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-15T02:25:29.000Z | cqjtri | 5 | 13 | ptsd | why | 0.85 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqjtri/why/ |
amd2019 | Hi everyone,
I am new to this page, frankly this is my first post here. I was diagnosed with PTSD during my sophomore year in college and i kept it a secret all along. I was on medications for sleep and for day time use but i soon after tapered my self off of them to replace them with hard core studying and do good in school since that was and still is my passion.
I became more and more reserved person and dealing with voices in my head to the point that i get headaches but i kept pushing through for school and work. Family problems did make my journey worst but i dealt with it by pushing more in school.
Now i graduated, and stress has been building up from work, grad school prep and family problems. I am starting to feel like my stomach is tied up, want to vomit, shaking, weak and my muscles rust in place when thinking, get anxious and a family problem happens. Idk if those are PTSD "flair ups" and i would like to know if someone experiences these kind of symptoms as well. I am very ignorant about my past diagnosis. If someone can share their experience or their knowledge/expertise and educate me about the matter i would highly appreciate that help and guidance.
Thank you so much | 2019-08-15T02:15:14.000Z | cqjpnh | 3 | 3 | ptsd | New | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqjpnh/new/ |
Thatlamegirl | What do you do when your spouse doesn’t support your recovery, or in fact inhibits it with words or actions? | 2019-08-15T01:48:55.000Z | cqjesb | 3 | 0 | ptsd | UNSUPPORTIVE SPOUSE | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqjesb/unsupportive_spouse/ |
Thatlamegirl | I get a little annoyed with my husband when I’m having a panic attack because his best advice is “just breath, breath through your nose.” I’m like “that’s for when you’re running!!!”
I’m saying this as a person who has yet to be able to talk herself out of a panic attack. I’ve always had to take medicine. But I do get somewhat annoyed with people’s suggestions to treat my illness when they don’t help. The second best tip I get is “you just need to work out.”
I also realize that these people can’t possibly understand what I’m going through, so I don’t hold it against them. But still. Soooo annoying. | 2019-08-15T01:47:33.000Z | cqje61 | 4 | 1 | ptsd | BREATH THROUGH YOUR NOSE | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqje61/breath_through_your_nose/ |
Oggleshy | So, I keep getting frequent nightmares of the person I trust the most (my partner) betraying that trust through things like cheating, and choosing drugs over me, etc. Any advice on how to try and overcome this? It has really fucked with my paranoia, and making me constantly overthink, as well as always waking up feeling depressed. I mean, witnessing your partner cheating in your dreams almost every night is not something I really enjoy...
Please help.. | 2019-08-15T01:21:57.000Z | cqj3l9 | 0 | 2 | ptsd | Nightmares... | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqj3l9/nightmares/ |
A_Alien_From_Earth | I was bullied for two of three years in middle school. (Both years were by different people and different things happened.) I was never physically harmed, instead they did things such as talk behind my back, make fun of me, taunt, trick me and more. Ever since I went to highschool, I’ve had more nightmares, one time I woke up talking after a really bad nightmare but all I remember is arguing to my cousin but I never talk in my sleep and I got the feeling that something worse had happened in my dream. (Someone I know who I am very close with has PTSD and gets night terrors where they talk in there sleep like I was) I knew I was talking because I woke up saying but over and over again. I have trouble sleeping and staying asleep. My anxiety and depression has worsened. I get anxiety attacks and I think about what has happened to me a lot. Is it possible that I have trauma or am I just crazy? It feels like I haven’t been the same since middle school.
Please note: I am not asking for a proper diagnosis, just your opinion on whether it’s possible or not. Nor am I asking your opinion on whether I have PTSD as I understand that they are different. If you think it’s worth seeking a proper diagnosis, please let me know. Nothing about this post is meant to be insulting, but if anyone thinks I should take it down please say so in the comments. | 2019-08-15T00:48:20.000Z | cqip68 | 15 | 22 | ptsd | Is it possible to have trauma from bullying? | 0.89 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqip68/is_it_possible_to_have_trauma_from_bullying/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-15T00:18:47.000Z | cqiclx | 6 | 5 | ptsd | During a PTSD “episode” my psychology teacher pulled me aside and asked if I was okay. What would a psychologist look for to know exactly what I was going through? | 0.79 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqiclx/during_a_ptsd_episode_my_psychology_teacher/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-15T00:15:46.000Z | cqibbq | 2 | 1 | ptsd | is it possible to experience abuse and not develop some form of PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqibbq/is_it_possible_to_experience_abuse_and_not/ |
[deleted] | I keep dissociating in class and im absorbed by traumatic memories or feelings when im home. Its really hard for me to practice advanced music theory and i feel incredibly stupid. Im managing panic attacks all day and can hardly think straight or ask for help. Im do emdr once a week and its been real rough for me | 2019-08-14T22:33:21.000Z | cqh2d2 | 2 | 6 | ptsd | Failing my class in college | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqh2d2/failing_my_class_in_college/ |
throwaway0706199 | I had a break from therapy for a while and I find that my mood has been better. I went back today and now I’m starting to feel myself slipping back into the bad feelings.
Maybe it’s because therapy forces me to face my trauma and that brings it to the surface? Does anyone else have this happen? When I’m not in therapy I’m burying my trauma, so maybe that’s why. | 2019-08-14T21:38:19.000Z | cqgc5k | 7 | 5 | ptsd | Doing worse when in therapy? | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqgc5k/doing_worse_when_in_therapy/ |
random_stranger7 | I feel like I need professional help, but I can’t afford going to therapy.
I wish to be cured but I also don’t want to talk about that most of the time.
I had so many flashbacks and nightmares in the past year.
I’m trying to be optimistic and telling to myself that some days are harder than others and it’ll pass and be alright eventually.
But I’m not actually feeling okay, like I’m just trying to get thorough the day sometimes.
It feels very lonely sometimes, I feel like there’s something wrong with me.
I used to think it’ll get better over time, but it doesn’t feel like that and it’s very depressing. | 2019-08-14T18:38:09.000Z | cqduyg | 5 | 5 | ptsd | I’m feeling lost | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqduyg/im_feeling_lost/ |
goodgonegirl123 | I’m currently sitting waiting for someone to see me so I can get some government assistance. Just some food stamps and Medicare.
I feel so defeated. This is my third visit here and it just feels like they don’t care. I keep getting turned away.
I just need help so desperately and I feel so defeated.
I feel alone.
Today is also the three year anniversary of the assault that put me on this path.
I feel like people look at me and think I’m fine and I don’t have any problems.
When in reality I can barely get out of bed. I just stay in bed and watch YouTube to try to get over it.
I didn’t want to post this because I don’t want people think I’m just attention seeking. Seeing people shame other people for speaking about their struggle has really effected me.
I just want help. I’m barely living. | 2019-08-14T18:11:10.000Z | cqdhbd | 7 | 3 | ptsd | I’m just so sad and I feel so helpless. | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqdhbd/im_just_so_sad_and_i_feel_so_helpless/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T18:04:39.000Z | cqde1j | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Having A Bad Day (Trigger Warning) | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqde1j/having_a_bad_day_trigger_warning/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T17:21:50.000Z | cqcsur | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Health trauma? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqcsur/health_trauma/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T16:38:57.000Z | cqc7dr | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I’m having flashbacks when I try to apply to jobs and feel ridiculous. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqc7dr/im_having_flashbacks_when_i_try_to_apply_to_jobs/ |
spencerpng | Last fall, I was having such severe and frequent chest pain that I ended up in urgent care at my university health center thinking I had a serious heart problem. The doctor ran an EKG, blood tests, and did some other testing only to determine I’m in good health. She asked if I’d ever seen a psychiatrist, and I hadn’t at that point. We made an appointment for me to see one on campus, and I was formally diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, social anxiety, and some other fun things at that appointment.
While I’m pretty sure that the chest pain was all anxiety related since it stopped when I found the right meds and dosage, I’m wondering if it could’ve had anything to do with PTSD. Maybe a severe stress response exacerbating symptoms of anxiety or something.
Have any of you also experienced something like this? This is mostly out of personal curiosity, since it’s not happening to me anymore. | 2019-08-14T16:34:36.000Z | cqc54z | 1 | 1 | ptsd | Chest pain | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqc54z/chest_pain/ |
BadJuJuForYou | I haven’t discussed my ATSD on this sub yet because I wasn’t sure I was allowed to, even though it manifests in the exact same way as PTSD. Yay suffering in silence outside of therapy!
So, I just want to share what happened because maybe someone on here will empathize with me. It’s involving vehicular incidents so if that’s a trigger, best leave now. It’s also incredibly long, so I honestly won’t be surprised or upset if this goes unnoticed. I’m fucking breathy.
Back last summer, wow it’ll be a year ago this weekend lol, I was on my way home from a solo cross country trip in my Xterra. The second half was from Michigan to Oregon where I primarily took freeways and a slew of side roads once I got outside of Bozeman, Montana. It took me 2 days and 13 hours to drive home. I left Bay City, MI, at 8am and drove my anxious ass along the way. I believe I was on I-39N, but maybe I was already on I-90W, in Wisconsin when I came upon Incident #1.
The thunderstorms in the Midwest are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I hated them in Oregon, but now they’re not so bad after those in the Midwest. The first wall of rain, which we could clearly see ahead of us, had everyone slamming on their brakes to a screeching halt. There were some fender benders. We carry on. Another wall of rain and another round of screeching halt. By this time, I had safely gotten around a number of people and was closer to the front of the pack.
By the third and final wall of rain, I was behind a small suv with a sedan nearly in my backseat. I gave the person in front of me lots of room, but they ended up pulling to the slow lane to let me pass, which I did rapidly. My anxiety was through the roof. I kept an eye out for the two vehicles and watched as the person now in the slow lane started to fishtail. Small at first, then whipping side to side and eventually T Boned the sedan that was still practically in my backseat. I watched the pair fly off the freeway into the grassy median between west and east traffic. I watched it all from my rear view mirror. I told myself out loud that I would be of no help in an emergency situation and the traffic behind us would stop, which they did. I kept going. I kept driving until the rain stopped, then drove more until I saw a gas station. I topped off my tank next to a police van and I was shaking with fear that my vehicle would be called in for assisting in vehicular deaths. When the two cars collided, we were going 70mph on a rain soaked road. I know how to drive in the rain, and I had recently bought some stellar tires that are great in rain. I was comfortable with my driving. I still believe there’s occupants in that crash that died that day, or died from that crash. I refuse to look further than I did the next day.
Incident #2 happened the next night in the mountains before Bozeman, MT, on I-90W. You have to understand that the top speed limit in Oregon on any road, to my knowledge, is 65 mph. Well, I found out real quick that my little Xterra that could, doesn’t do well when the speed limit is 75-80 mph. So, after Wisconsin, a quick nap somewhere in South Dakota, and a real sketchy room in Gillette, Wyoming, I started only traveling at night to avoid as much traffic as possible.
There was a pick up hauling a long horse or cattle trailer who was up my tail for many miles, just us two in the two lanes heading towards, and through this mysterious mountain range. In hindsight, I should’ve gotten in the fast lane to let them pass, but I didn’t have that much forethought. So when I saw a semi truck parked on the slow lane around a corner, I had a split second to make a decision: do I slam on my breaks and hope for the best or do I swerve and hope for the best? I checked my mirror and the truck & trailer pulled to the fast lane as I’m fast approaching the semi and I curse and slam on my brakes.
I didn’t accept my death, I wasn’t okay with it, but I knew it was going to happen. I honest to Whatever believed that I was going to become a smear against the back of the semi. There was little room on the side of the road for even a passenger vehicle, the semi was 3/4 on the road and I couldn’t simply go around when the truck was too.
I don’t know why I made it home the next day. I don’t know why I’m alive. I don’t understand why I have to live when there’s plenty of fantastic, better people that die for shit reasons. Fuck cancer, fuck war, fuck accidents and murder and all of it. Why am I alive? My brain is broken, has been for decades. I contribute nothing of meaning to the world. I’ve collected disability for 10 years and it’s not looking promising that I’ll be off of it any time soon. I’m a speck of nothing, yet those cars in Wisconsin had probably the worst day of their lives. I could’ve died *twice* in two days, and I’m still alive. I might have survivors guilt without knowing anyone died lol.
This is fucking long, if you made it this far, thanks. I don’t have anyone to talk to about ptsd stuff outside of hotlines and therapy. I wanted to get my story out, since I graduated in the worst outcome. I was really hoping I’d move past this. So, I may have physically survived, but my brain hasn’t left.
My pro tip: Don’t be a douche canoe on the road, know your vehicle’s limits and drive accordingly, and if someone is being a douche canoe around you, give them space to get away from you. Watching an accident is horrifying. | 2019-08-14T16:21:14.000Z | cqbyqf | 7 | 8 | ptsd | [Long AF] Guys! I graduated! Instead of having PTSD and ATSD, I now have PTSD times 2! Woo!! | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqbyqf/long_af_guys_i_graduated_instead_of_having_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T15:31:38.000Z | cqb9vt | 0 | 4 | ptsd | Being monitored by people | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqb9vt/being_monitored_by_people/ |
Gotsims | I got diagnosed with ibs and noticed that when i take care of myself emotionally this disappears and my stomach works normally. If i shove feelings aside it’s like my body gets grumpy and protests by making my stomach hurt horribly. I also get so nauseated that I have no desire to eat for long periods. | 2019-08-14T15:25:08.000Z | cqb6o4 | 65 | 238 | ptsd | Does anyone else manifest trauma and hard emotions in their stomach? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqb6o4/does_anyone_else_manifest_trauma_and_hard/ |
[deleted] | I have been getting triggered pretty horribly at work from a manager who can't keep his hands or sexual comments to himself. I had told his manager three times now, and documented each time.
I had enough today and went to HR with a doctor's letter informing if my PTSD diagnosis. I politely informed them that PTSD is ADA protected and they were failing in their requirement by allowing this to go on documented but undeterred.
I requested and was immediately granted a transfer. | 2019-08-14T15:16:57.000Z | cqb2hl | 17 | 36 | ptsd | I want to share a success | 0.97 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqb2hl/i_want_to_share_a_success/ |
heyrainyday | It’s one of those ordinary and somewhat unavoidable things that (non-ptsd) people wonder how it could possibly be a trigger.
I’m doing lots of deep breathing right now. Just gotta get through this. | 2019-08-14T14:44:19.000Z | cqamtt | 2 | 11 | ptsd | Facing a trigger in a few hours... please send your thoughts/prayers | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqamtt/facing_a_trigger_in_a_few_hours_please_send_your/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T14:26:05.000Z | cqaeem | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Not feeling well. Depressed. Very tired. The mental health system and the legal system here in Japan sucks. Doctors and lawyers are mean and rude, too. But I still have to use their systems. Fuck Fuck Fuck! | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqaeem/not_feeling_well_depressed_very_tired_the_mental/ |
Demomaroo | I have been out of work for a really long time. Like, years.
A few months ago I got an office job and thought that things were going pretty well. They said they really loved my work. At a meeting a coworker and I had strongly differing ideas about how our work should be done. I started to trigger, as in having my fight reflex kick in. I didn't yell, I didn't use bad language, but apparently I was "Really Tense" and that's "Bad for office morale and not something we can have here." They also said that they noticed that I'm "Not really very happy at my job." and should consider finding something else. I was given a week to think it over. My choices are to quit or to come back and "have a better attitude and be supportive of the way we are doing the work."
I've been talking to my counselor and people who care about me and know about my PTSD but they all have different ideas about what I should do. Some think that I should tell them that it was my PTSD some thing I shouldn't.
I'm concerned because if I try to go back without saying it was PTSD I will likely have more troubles since I'm not at the place yet where I have worked out the whole "Choose to be happy thing." My brain is still defaulting to fear. I don't know how to give them the bubbly attitude they really value at that office. My coworkers will just think I'm a toxic person with a bad temper. It's a contract position so I'm not sure if I'm protected by law from being let go for my mental health issue. And it's really lowered my chances of getting hired as a full employee. Also it's a new department and I am the only person in it with a degree or work experience in what we are doing. But I won't be allowed to draw on any of that experience because it conflicts with the way they are doing things now, which I know to be causing problems.
If I tell I don't think I can expect a good reaction. My coworkers literally make PTSD jokes whenever something happens that they don't like. And the jokes they make tell me that they don't actually know anything about PTSD.
If I do choose to leave I may not be able to get another job for a long time. Last time it took me years to get myself out of the house and back to work. I don't want to get set way back.
Does anyone else have experience about whether or not telling an employer was a wise move? | 2019-08-14T14:23:51.000Z | cqadei | 9 | 1 | ptsd | I triggered at work and have been invited to quit my job. They don't know I have have PTSD. Should I try to explain? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cqadei/i_triggered_at_work_and_have_been_invited_to_quit/ |
[deleted] | I dont know if anyone here has had a similar issue, but moving back here just filled me with fear seeing places where I walked to school and kids would beat me. I have mild ptsd from school bullying mainly from my skin colour and the fact I had ocd which was fun for bullies to mess with me with. Took me years to stop panicing, any sudden movements and I would flinch (even my own mother thing to give me a hug). Anyways I dont want to get into the details of it. But I am soo scared I will run into the assholes I went to school with living back here. I applied for a retail job too and got the interview today and I am worried they might see me working there. I dont know its irrational to some extent but I cant get over this anxiety as well as anger I feel. I would be happy if i never see those people again, but i avoid places because of it use a train station that is out of my way because the closest one is too close to my old school. I dont know has anyone here delth with something similar. | 2019-08-14T12:59:57.000Z | cq9bv0 | 5 | 5 | ptsd | I am worried about living in my home town with my parents after years of bullying in this area | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq9bv0/i_am_worried_about_living_in_my_home_town_with_my/ |
darcythewrestler | I've had PTSD ever since my rapes, it's been a long struggle, my recent break up because I don't know how to cope, and my seizure/panic attack. So I drown myself in drinking, smoking, drugs and stuff etc. My family is up my tail about everything and, it's getting to be to much for me to handle. Please help. | 2019-08-14T12:51:14.000Z | cq98dx | 2 | 4 | ptsd | My PTSD and how it affects my life | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq98dx/my_ptsd_and_how_it_affects_my_life/ |
Cosmic_Prognosis | This is the first time I’ve ever posted anything on Reddit so please forgive any faux pas I may make. The stories I have read on here have really inspired me to share my recent epiphany in my own PTSD journey.
Trauma is both a universal and highly individualized experience. I find it hard to explain to people exactly what makes PTSD different than normal stress and anxieties. After thinking about my own life I realized that trauma is like plaque on the connections between your body and your mind. Each experience that leaves its mark on you just adds another layer to this plaque.
For me that plaque started building up when I was 8. I’m a 30 years old white male from a rural part of Kentucky which really just means that I grew up in a time and place where people were way more trusting with their children. It wasn’t strange at all in the country to let your kids run around the neighborhood all day and not seen them till dinner time that night.
For me that time was spent up the street with my best friend (same age as me) and his older brother (14 or 15). Their single mother worked the late shift at Walmart so we were essentially alone from the time we got off school until she got home late that night. Without going into all the details, I’ll just say the older brother was secretly gay in a small town in the Bible Belt and decided to take out his sexual frustrations and confusions on his brother and me. He grew to like the power he had over us so he proceeded to sexually and psychologically torture us almost daily over a 2-3 year period. This only ended when his mother found a hollowed out space in his wall filled with gay porn and sex toys. She couldn’t accept his sexuality so she kicked him out and he went to live with someone else.
I have to say that I have empathy for the man who tortured me because of how hard it is to be different where I’m from. This doesn’t excuse him in any way but I have always been a person who thinks about a situation from all possible perspectives. This delayed my seeking treatment because I felt that empathy and there was also some part of me that enjoyed some of the sexual aspects of those situations. I felt that if any part of me enjoyed it ever then I wasn’t allowed to be a victim of rape. I of course know now that it’s completely normal for victims of rape in certain situations to have positive physical responses to those situations which just furthers deepens the trauma in my opinion.
That initial experience caused a rift to occur between my mind and my body. That was the first time I learned to dissociate and that became my response to life going forward. Unfortunately I was in for a long line of continuing trauma both forced and self inflicted.
My mom raised my brother and I alone until she married my stepdad who failed to mention had a crippling porn addiction. He had porn all over our house and I started to discover those magazines and printed erotic literature during the same time that I was being raped daily. The images I looked at in a detached manner just further widened the dissociative gap inside me. That’s when my emotions started to dull and I began eating as a coping mechanism. By the time I started high school I was severely overweight and had kept myself isolated during that time. I made a great group of friends in high school who made those years enjoyable and I’ll be forever grateful to them.
Trauma seemed to follow me everywhere I went though. I would spend summers and holidays with my biological dad who lived in a separate city hours away from my home town. He is a severe alcoholic and was not only verbally and emotionally abusive but also extremely emotionally manipulative. He would get home from work at the time kids should be getting ready for bed but my dad has never had friends so he would get wasted and keep me up all night unloading all of his own drunken traumas and very adult personal issues on my child mind. That combined with the rape and living with a mentally ill mother with chronic epilepsy meant I had to grow up fast. One of the last forced traumas of my childhood was when I got my first job when I was 16. It was at long John silvers and I had a middle aged female manager. She took a liking to me and spent her time grooming me by making sure we always worked together, bought me gifts, and paid a lot of attention to me. It wasn’t long though before she started isolating me in the freezer or making sure we closed the store alone and she would molest me. I reacted by dissociating and not fighting back. I would just stand there paralyzed as she would pin me against the wall and force herself against me and touch me.
I ended up waiting till she was in the restroom one night and I took off my uniform and walked out of that job and never went back. I never told anyone about that or the rapes years earlier until I tried killing my self my senior year. I took 55 high dose seroquel and most everything else in the medicine cabinet I could get my hands on. I had a moment of clarity afterwards and decided I wanted to live but I had waited too long to say anything and avoid damage. By the time the ambulance got me to the hospital I had slipped into a coma and stayed that way for 3 days. I woke up and the really fucked up thing is that our insurance wouldn’t even cover any follow up mental health visits. I just went home and tried to move on.
I realize that I just wrote a whole lot so I’m going to condense the adulthood stuff. I didn’t have sex till 19 because I was pretty much asexual during my teenage years (and would struggle with periods of it the next 10 years). I married that girl and we spent the next 5 years together. By the time I was 23 I weighed 450 pounds so I ended up getting gastric bypass surgery. I had complications which activated latent autoimmune conditions inside me. My immune system started attacking my GI system and my skin and a series of internal bleeding ulcers threatened to kill me multiple times over the next two years as doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. Between losing all the weight and developing new lifelong illnesses my wife and I decided to divorce. 22 blood transfusions and 2 years after my surgery they finally figured out why I was constantly losing blood.
After stabilizing my health somewhat (and losing 220 pounds) I started traumatizing myself through a series of VERY abusive relationships with women. They each fucked me up in their own special way but there were definitely two that stand out. One was physically abusive and kept me isolated in our apartment in a city where I knew no one. She had the only car and cell phone and threatened to stab me whenever I tried to leave. She was verbally abusive as well and when I asked her why she treated me like that she responded that demons where visiting her dreams at night and forcing her to act like that. The other woman was a junkie who taught me a lot about being naive. She stole from me, cheated on me, shot up with her friends regularly in our apartment, and just generally made my life a nightmare.
I was sitting at a long line of failures when I decided to move out of the area I grew up in and move to a large city with better opportunities. I met a woman who changed my life with her open heart and endless compassion/empathy. She has bipolar and had been pursuing her own mental health goals for years. She pushed me to seek treatment when all the shit I had endured over the years finally caught up with me at the end of my twenties. I was emotionally numb, constantly dissociative, and struggling to keep things together. I would be sitting on the couch and just start crying without feeling anything or realizing I was crying to begin with.
I FINALLY went to a therapist 2 years ago and was diagnosed with C-PTSD and dissociative disorders. I underwent a year and a half of EMDR therapy by a trauma specialist almost every other week. It opened up Pandora’s box and I had to mourn for a life lost and full of tragedy. Even though EMDR changed my life in ways I can’t express in language, it still only took me 80% of the way towards where I wanted to be. I completed my therapy but over the last 6 months I have still been struggling hard and I felt like maybe I was as fixed as I was ever going to get and I should be happy with the progress I’ve made. I still knew I was shattered inside though. My mind had always felt like a collection of individual shards each with their own purpose and way of protecting me.
This didn’t change until a couple of weeks ago. My girlfriend and I love going to music festivals and we both are into consciousness expanding experiences. I’ve been obsessed with the mind for many years and have a true appreciation for how complicated and nuanced it is. My girlfriend loves acid specifically and had an amazing healing experience where she met her bipolar self inside her own mindscape and they connected. I had tried about every psychedelic there is and never had an experience like that. I was looking for those experiences to offer some kind of alternative healing on their own but my problem was that I was expecting some kind of outside force of highness to do something TO me instead of allowing me to do something for myself.
It want until this last festival that I finally had my breakthrough. It was a combination of psychedelics but it’s not the drugs that are important. It was finally learning how to surrender to life instead of shielding myself from trauma and myself. There was a moment during my trip when everything peaked and I was in this perfect calm in the eye of the storm. I had always felt betrayed by my body for the sexual abuse and then a bunch of chronic illnesses popping up but in that moment I was 100% engaged with myself and everyone around me. I temporarily saw past everyone’s else’s traumas and shitty impulses and was able to connect with the potential love inside of us all. I hadn’t realized it but all those years of abuse and dissociation had put a massive divide inside me and those substances created an artificial bridge between my mind and body. I also didn’t realize that once that connection was made there was now a new neural bridge there.
It wasn’t until I got home at the end of the weekend and was relaxing on the couch when I had a major episode of some kind. I was thinking over the events of the weekend, and having some epiphanies unrelated to this story, when I realized that eye of the storm moment during my trip was the first time I had allowed my mind to fully connect and surrender to my body since that first traumatic experience as a kid. Realizing I had been whole allowed the pieces of my mind to cross that bridge inside myself naturally and on their own. I broke down and started sobbing with happiness in way I had never experienced before. This will sound trippy but I felt the shards of my mind start to combine in an almost physical way. It was beyond profound and eye opening. I spent my whole life convinced I was this purely abstract being trapped inside a walking meat prison but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I am a living animal of flesh, blood AND mind.
This is NOT a story to suggest that people go out and experiment all willy nilly with psychedelics. The first time I had a PTSD flashback was after an ill advised combination of molly and alcohol and it was a horrible way to have your first full blown flashback. I know with all my heart that it was a combination of a year and a half of intense EMDR therapy, a great support structure at home, and all the hard work I put into myself in-between those sessions/my job/my relationship. Those stacked nuanced layers of growth and self awareness brought me to the edge of the divide and laid the groundwork for the bridge and the psychedelics just brought me that last little bit home. Really all they did was allow me a preview of what life could be like on the other side of that space and my mind decided it was ready to make that leap on its own after that.
I am so sorry for how long this is and I don’t expect many to read it all but I hope it helps someone who may be going through their own healing journey and finds their self feeling alone and asking if this struggle ever ends. I have to say that struggle is life and never goes away but it is so much easier to cope with when you stop fighting yourself and surrender. I love you. You are real. You deserve happiness and self acceptance . Say that everyday and never stop fighting and I promise it will sound true to yourself one day. | 2019-08-14T06:34:20.000Z | cq5vay | 0 | 7 | ptsd | How I came to fully grasp my PTSD and ultimately overcome myself. TW:Child Abuse, Rape, suicide, domestic violence, flashbacks, drugs | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq5vay/how_i_came_to_fully_grasp_my_ptsd_and_ultimately/ |
[deleted] | TW: mentions of PTSD from war and suicide
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I don't want to go into it, but I lost someone I loved a whole lot to suicide when I was a kid. Just to clue you in, he had PTSD from war that led to his suicide. I'm now in highschool, and hear nonstop jokes about suicide.
Whether it's my classmates making fun of PTSD from war or joking about "war flashbacks" nonstop or threatening to kill themselves in vulgar descriptive ways as "jokes", it makes me go into a trance-like state. I usually have to excuse myself from class and cry in the bathroom, or if that isn't an option I tune myself out and just stare. It affects me the entire day and I think about it nonstop.
It's a bit of a pain in the ass because suicide jokes are so prevalent with people my age so this happens a lot. I'm sort of shy, so asking them not to make the jokes will make me come off as a bit of an ass, you know? If anyone has some sort of advice, that would be really helpful. Thank you. | 2019-08-14T06:25:18.000Z | cq5skb | 6 | 7 | ptsd | Does anyone have tips for getting through jokes that trigger my trauma? | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq5skb/does_anyone_have_tips_for_getting_through_jokes/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T06:03:50.000Z | cq5lrw | 3 | 9 | ptsd | I finally fell asleep on my own | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq5lrw/i_finally_fell_asleep_on_my_own/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T04:27:52.000Z | cq4oz3 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | I had to serve on a jury selection today. Am in a bad place. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq4oz3/i_had_to_serve_on_a_jury_selection_today_am_in_a/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-14T04:03:01.000Z | cq4fld | 1 | 4 | ptsd | Does it ever get better? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq4fld/does_it_ever_get_better/ |
dirtyreeds | A couple of months ago I signed up on WhatsApp and I thought it be real cool to get clear videos. Although some videos were funny, people that I thought were my friends started sending me videos of horrible motorcycle accidents. It kicked up my PTSD and I started having flashbacks a couple of times a day of my accident. I Know that this sounds crazy, but my Trumatic motorcycle accident was 24 years ago. I lost my leg and I was awake during the whole process. So seeing videos on WhatsApp that showcase horrible motorcycle accidents only kicks up my PTSD. So what I decided to do is Simply delete WhatsApp. | 2019-08-14T02:16:07.000Z | cq39t6 | 25 | 92 | ptsd | I’m finally deleting WhatsApp because it’s triggering my ptsd | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq39t6/im_finally_deleting_whatsapp_because_its/ |
mewiodas | I was doing really well, I seemed like I was doing better and coping with my PTSD. Yet, recently, I’ve seemed more irritable. I’ve been triggered more easily. I don’t want to be sexual at all with my fiancée or with myself. I don’t even want to look at myself nude. It makes me really uncomfortable when my fiancée talks about sexual stuff, but I try to let her in the hopes I’ll get used to it. Idk what to do | 2019-08-14T02:00:00.000Z | cq3339 | 4 | 3 | ptsd | I feel like I’ve gone back several steps | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq3339/i_feel_like_ive_gone_back_several_steps/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T23:56:36.000Z | cq1nd6 | 6 | 7 | ptsd | is it possible to block a song on spotify if its triggering? | 0.9 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq1nd6/is_it_possible_to_block_a_song_on_spotify_if_its/ |
hiddensideoftruth | I just had a casual dinner with a work colleague whom I rarely see (we work in different cities). During the dinner, I realized that his hands are shaking - and mine too. At one point, I casually slipped it into the conversation and he avoided an answer and changed the topic. From his eyes and face I could see that we share a symptom, experience, feeling...
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Does this ever happen to you? Do you think talking about it openly would be better? | 2019-08-13T23:45:40.000Z | cq1ij7 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Seeing symptoms in someone else makes me feel connected | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq1ij7/seeing_symptoms_in_someone_else_makes_me_feel/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T23:22:26.000Z | cq18i3 | 7 | 5 | ptsd | So I was basically fired by my therapist today and I need some help on what to do next | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq18i3/so_i_was_basically_fired_by_my_therapist_today/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T23:15:37.000Z | cq15g3 | 5 | 24 | ptsd | Feeling numb | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cq15g3/feeling_numb/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T20:01:07.000Z | cpyiq9 | 7 | 13 | ptsd | Anyone here have a romantic relationship with a combat vet with ptsd? | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpyiq9/anyone_here_have_a_romantic_relationship_with_a/ |
[deleted] | My partner of 6 years is a combat vet with PTSD. This past week I've tried to communicate to him how he makes me feel and every time I try he gets defensive, interrupts me, takes the conversation over, he goes on a tangent and starts adding things to the convo that weren't even mentioned. If only he would listen to me. I talk to him with respect, I don't raise my voice. He seems to act up when it's not in a good light towards him. He seems to always blame his PTSD for everything. All his friends have no issue with him so he says, he acts up with me. What I'm I doing wrong? I feel like I have no opinion or voice with him. Someone give me sound advice. Please. | 2019-08-13T18:47:53.000Z | cpxhe8 | 3 | 2 | ptsd | Anyone dating someone with PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpxhe8/anyone_dating_someone_with_ptsd/ |
jesseistired | I just got out of a really long and emotionally draining relationship. Girl knew all about my PTSD triggers and such. I was very emotionally vulnerable with her. Today I was sitting eating breakfast and I got hit hard with the realization of how I’m going to have to start over that process of vulnerability. It’ll never be the same again. I’m so scared that if I open up to much then I’ll scare any possible interests away. I don’t know how to go about this. I live life mostly normally despite my PTSD, but I know for sure I definitely can’t be in a serious relationship without it coming up. Thank you to anyone who read this far, any advice is much appreciated. | 2019-08-13T18:26:33.000Z | cpx6yr | 6 | 12 | ptsd | I’m scared to be vulnerable with someone new | 0.94 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpx6yr/im_scared_to_be_vulnerable_with_someone_new/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T18:01:36.000Z | cpwu7m | 3 | 6 | ptsd | Do I really have a choice? | 0.88 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpwu7m/do_i_really_have_a_choice/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T17:38:22.000Z | cpwiea | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Trauma and Family Drama; Struggle with taking steps forward. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpwiea/trauma_and_family_drama_struggle_with_taking/ |
CookingWithPTSD | How do you deal with that?
I just started opening up and some memories came up.
\[I am not talking about the main memories. \]
This is not a post about that.
This is a post about taboos in conversations.
One particular memory came up to mind.
I was with friends and my sister and we were having some argument, it doesn't matter.
The topic was going in a similar direction as my events, so I implied that there were men that hurt me. I didn't go into details.
Everybody shut up and averted their eyes.
We moved to another topic.
My sister later scolded me that "you don't talk about those things, you make people uncomfortable".
She never quite told me, when it's appropriate to talk about those things.
I love my sister. She has helped me a lot of times. But... This is just going with the flow. This is just very superficial thinking.
Also, my friends... Well. That's just weakness. Weakness in the face of truth. Like, you live in a happy bubble and you don't want to accept that bad things happen to normal people.
I am having hard time coming to terms with that. I really can't except support there.
I have absolutely no desire to speak with her on this topic.
I am having a hard time somehow coming to terms with it. It puts distance.
We see each other not that often, we don't live in the same country, so I really don't have to think about it that much.
Still, I enjoy my time with her a lot, she has helped me voice my emotions a lot, she helped me to think for myself "what do I need?", she has reminded me "to take care of my needs first".
But...
She also isn't quite helpful with my addiction. She thinks that it's something that comes from me and that I can control. And scolds me into quitting. This is very ignorant. I have hard time controlling every day tasks, let alone that. It's a miracle that I am controlling the addiction.
And well... How can she think otherwise, when "we don't talk about this"?
So, I am very conflicted.
I decided, until at least I find someone I can talk to in person, I will distance myself. And then when I process what happened with that person, I will think about my next step, whatever that step is.
It just... hurts a lot, when people who you love neglect you. It doesn't hurt as much as the main event, but still it's pretty brutal on its own.
I would love to read your opinion on the matter. | 2019-08-13T15:38:18.000Z | cputzt | 3 | 12 | ptsd | "We don't talk about this" | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cputzt/we_dont_talk_about_this/ |
[deleted] | I’m so overwhelmed. Last week, the flashbacks were so bad the night before my shift (I’m a server) that I was awake all night, and I wasn’t able to call in. Needless to say, I was not in a good head space. Of course, that one day in particular was absolutely CRAZY at the restaurant, and I was struggling to keep up.
My coworker asked me why I was so overwhelmed, and said that I should have been handling this better. So I, not wanting to divulge my whole mental health history, just joked that I must have partied too hard last night. I thought I made it clear that I was kidding, but I guess not, because she started spreading it around that I wasn’t able to perform my job and that I was falling apart. When my supervisor came to talk to me, I broke down crying and explained what happened. Now the coworker is accusing me of lying, and I heard her and some other girls talking about how I’m incompetent at my job.
I can’t do this anymore. I understand making a hangover joke was probably in poor taste, but considering we’re all college kids, I thought it would go better than explaining the real reason. Just feel super demoralized and I hate myself for it. Why did I have to fall apart at work? | 2019-08-13T14:31:06.000Z | cptxgo | 19 | 123 | ptsd | I fell apart at work and now my coworkers are gossiping about me. | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cptxgo/i_fell_apart_at_work_and_now_my_coworkers_are/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T13:10:58.000Z | cpsxy4 | 1 | 0 | ptsd | The uncommon form of PTSD ? Would you consider this PTSD? | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpsxy4/the_uncommon_form_of_ptsd_would_you_consider_this/ |
starrie_nights | Right off the bat, I was molested as a child. From the ages 12-17 it wasn't everyday nor did it follow a specific pattern but it did happen maybe 10 times per year. Every time I think about it I immediately get anxiety and push the thoughts away. I have had dreams about it, maybe 5 times or so. I try not to remember those dreams so the number may be off. Every time I do remember it the memories are a bit blurry.
The only way this has affected my life is I see every guy as a predator. Even my dad and grandpa but I try to calm my anxiety as much as I can when I'm around them. I'm not sure if it's because of my overactive imagination but when I see someone that could be a potential predator my mind creates scenarios where they would molest me and I would think of ways to escape.
I do dissociate but that's from some other trauma and its triggered by very high anxiety or stress levels. I think I remember having dissociated when the event happened though before. It is rarely triggered when I think about the event but i think i have forced myself to dissociate so I couldnt think about it.
I have never talked about it to family or a professional.
If the reasoning why contributes to PTSD, (obviously not sure) it's because I didn't want to be the one to break my family apart over this. In my mind they would take him to court and so many people would be sad and conflicted. I also feared of people not believing me and that I'm lying. I used to have a therapist who I also never addressed this too because of the previous reasons. I have lied to one family member when they asked me if I ever have been molested.
Sorry if it's so long and while I could have done my own research there was no straight answer I could find. If you get this far thank you and please comment if you think I may have PTSD or not it would be really helpful. Btw I am a bit dissociated while typing this so sorry if there are any mistakes. | 2019-08-13T12:09:25.000Z | cps8mh | 0 | 1 | ptsd | Is it PTSD? **Trigger warning** | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cps8mh/is_it_ptsd_trigger_warning/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T12:01:59.000Z | cps5hx | 2 | 2 | ptsd | Why do I do this to myself | 0.75 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cps5hx/why_do_i_do_this_to_myself/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T09:36:11.000Z | cpqsdp | 1 | 3 | ptsd | Coping with leaving my house the next two days... | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpqsdp/coping_with_leaving_my_house_the_next_two_days/ |
[deleted] | I've seen a couple of times in the theaters, I downloaded it and washed again tonight. Then it was something I hadn't noticed before.
Thor was actually dealing with PTSD. Substance abuse, weight gain, obsessive gaming, not leaving is home. I think that's what they were actually trying to portray but they were still trying to stay good-humored about it.
It got to the part where he summoned his hammer it landed in his hand will look on the actor's face was spectacular, he was surprised that he was still Worthy. I almost burst into tears, just a movie, a comic book movie but it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It really is true, it doesn't matter what you've gone through, it doesn't matter how you handle it, your pain doesn't take away who you are. You're always going to be worthy. | 2019-08-13T07:16:40.000Z | cppltb | 1 | 1 | ptsd | PTSD Avengers (Endgame spoiler) | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cppltb/ptsd_avengers_endgame_spoiler/ |
Hoffman81 | My wife and I had been married for about four years, when she started acting strangely for months . Lying about where she was. Cleaning the apartment like she never does. She would come home from work much later than expected. Locking the door and closing the blinds when I went to work. It was really hard for me to piece things together. In hindsight, it was due to the heavy amounts of gaslighting I would get from her almost daily.
One day we were eating at a local pub and I’m talking about a couple who were in an open relationship. This suddenly perked her interest and she asked me if I would be into an open relationship. I said I never thought of it. Though after the dinner she brings in up again and we started really talking about it. I asked her if she had anyone in mind and she mentioned my best friend. A little close to home, but I took no offense. The conversation ended that night l, but she would bring it up occasionally over the next few weeks.
Fast forward a few more weekend down the road my best friend was invited over to our place to watch some GOT. After the nights tv watching was through, we went to bed while leaving him on the couch. While in bed she reminds me of the conversation we have been having and that she was having a fantasy of going out there and “just teasing him.” Over the course of a few weeks I had thought about an open marriage, and how it could possibly spark things again without getting emotionally disconnected. So, in the moment, I told her to go for it. I waited awhile a snuck out there to see what was going on. To my surprise they were already having sex and I.... started recording it...
The following night I was feeling really uneasy about what had happened. Aside from my wife having sex with another “man,” somehow something else was not right. I noticed she had locked her phone. Then she said something about my friend that didn’t seem right. Suddenly it hit me that they may have been having an affair before last night even happened. She didn’t think I knew her password, but I did. I took her phone out of her hand and told her “I hope I don’t find anything” while I was walking out the door.
While I was in my car I started to delve through her text messages with him and what I found was horrifying. It happened to be a four month long affair which was uncaring and abusive toward me so she could have more sex with my best friend. For example, she planned to get me really drunk so she could sleep with him when I passed out. Also, on several occasions she had me drive her to a point where she would get picked up by him. It was a horrid disregard for my feelings.
I felt like a loser that consented to her continuing an affair. Not only did I not see all the obvious signs (which were abundantly clear now) I just gave her to him for a night. And recorded it. I was a dirty cuck. I recorded my own wife’s affair.
During the follow weeks, months, year I became hyper vigilant and was obsessed with learning every single detail of the affair. I used a gps unit on the dudes car. My thoughts became repetitive. And for a very long time I was rarely sleeping. After a few months, I was at work and a shovel made a loud noise when it fell behind me. It made my heart race and I shuttered and had to sit down. At that point I didn’t know it was PTSD but I knew something was wrong. | 2019-08-13T06:31:56.000Z | cpp7wx | 8 | 8 | ptsd | This is how I got PTSD... | 0.83 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpp7wx/this_is_how_i_got_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T06:20:54.000Z | cpp4g1 | 1 | 4 | ptsd | How do you cope up with PTSD? I have extreme feeling of dread and exhaustion when I am triggered by someone or by a situation. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpp4g1/how_do_you_cope_up_with_ptsd_i_have_extreme/ |
Cat1692 | *Some background: I grew up in a relatively emotionally unstable home, with a narcissistic mother, dismissive father and brother. I definitely had separation anxiety with my mum since I can remember, which tells me that my early connection (0-5) with her wasn’t stable. When I was 12, I developed panic attacks, which my parents refused to acknowledge (made fun of me for, for being a ‘drama queen’) and when I was 14, I started to find cups and bottles hidden around the house – which was my mother abusing alcohol. Cycles of alcohol abuse continued which would result in her disappearing for days on end, or staying in bed depressed, drunk or crying. As I got older and tried to confront her about it, she got more emotionally abusive with me. Which has carried on until I was about 25. Also, the way my mum punished me growing up was by withdrawing affection. There were times (around 16-17) where she would give me the cold shoulder for weeks. After distancing myself for a year and a bit, I started to really look at inner healing. However, it’s really only been in the last 5 weeks that I have realised just how much I was not looking at.*
What happened was about 5 weeks ago, I visited my mum as I hadn’t seen her for three or four months and she made me sign her will and was giving me a lot of stuff from the family home. She hinted that there may be some health issues. I started to feel very vulnerable and left feeling really deflated. When I saw my partner the next day, I noticed that I felt very disconnected from him and felt really upset.
All week I carried this awful sense of something bad happening and on the Thursday I got really worked up and convinced myself that maybe I didn’t love my partner anymore because I felt so disconnected from him – this triggered some abandonment issues. That night, I found out she had cancer. I was ok for a few days – but I started to experience some severe anxiety. I wasn’t able to eat, or sleep and I was really panicked that I didn’t love my partner anymore and that I had to leave him.
It all coincided with a weekend I had booked away on my own (a new years resolution to prove to myself I can be on my own) in which I felt like I was suffering from PTSD. I couldn’t eat, sleep or rest. My body was constantly shaking. I couldn’t stop crying/howling/calling out for my mum saying “I was sorry, please don’t leave me” and feeling like I had to lose my current partner? Like I couldn’t stay in the relationship with him anymore. I was also having a lot of flashbacks to five years ago where I went through a similar grieving stage because I thought I had to cut my mum out of my life for being really emotionally abusive to me and shortly after that, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. It was a really horrendous time for me because I was deeply depressed, anxious and grieving and everyone I deeply loved was 'leaving' me.
Flash forward to today, it’s been a few weeks and I’m still waiting to get in to see my Psychologist. However, my brain just won’t stop. I spoke to my partner (who is very loving, supportive and beautiful) and said I was having doubts about my love for him, but that I know it is the easy option to leave because I am deeply afraid of being left? The irony is, once my mind stopped overthinking/analysing I was naturally all over him, affectionate, laughing and loving him really. But why does my brain want to say I don’t/remind me of how I had been feeling so disconnected from him?
Also my inner critic has been out of control. “I don’t want you to be happy, I don’t want you to feel good, you can’t have anything you want etc.”
It’s like I have two parts of me warring inside of me. The me that loves my partner, knows things will work out, is excited/naturally plans for our future and then this other part of me that wants to self-sabotage, feels nothing towards anyone, is angry, depressed, sad, full of fury and wants people to be punished.
I don’t know what is happening to me. I’m scared I’m going to ruin my life and I can’t stop tapping into this ‘dark’ side of me.
I’ve been doing meditation, and my inner voice is telling me that I do love my partner, to not push him away. But it’s like I can’t trust it? But I can’t trust the other voice that’s telling me to leave. That if I had doubts then that means that I don't.
My inner voice also tells me that this is about my mother but I don’t know how in the sense that she’s far enough removed from my life that my brain just doesn’t think about her?
Someone please just help me make sense of this. I’m desperate to see my psychologist but it’s been weeks of this and I still have to wait a few more days.
Eternally grateful. | 2019-08-13T05:56:49.000Z | cpowk2 | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Feeling ultra confused | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpowk2/feeling_ultra_confused/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T05:18:55.000Z | cpok3j | 15 | 189 | ptsd | Someone finally noticed my flinching. Success story! | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpok3j/someone_finally_noticed_my_flinching_success_story/ |
bigbadcowboy1234 | Basically, was hanging out with some friends and one of them started talking about her friend who works in an SVU unit. She started talking about the horrible things that people go through and started talking about childhood sexual abuse. She almost word for word said that anyone who experiences childhood trauma will grow up to be fucked up and either be a drug addict or a child molestor themselves.
She usually doesn’t say ignorant things like that. But she also knows that I was sexually abused as a child. I feel like she doesn’t even remember/realize what she was saying cause I only told her about what I went through once and it was a while ago...but still it bothered me a lot bc of my past and I’m not an addict or a fucking molestor. I found it upsetting that she would negatively generalize a group of people like that....especially when those people obviously didn’t choose to experience what they did, or enjoy it? And every person who experiences childhood trauma does not end up becoming molestors themselves?
I just needed to vent somewhere thank you if you read this. | 2019-08-13T04:58:35.000Z | cpod2f | 8 | 1 | ptsd | My friend said something today that I can’t get over. | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpod2f/my_friend_said_something_today_that_i_cant_get/ |
Sugarplums01 | 16/F. Got diagnosed w depression, ptsd, bpd, etc after 10+ years of physical abuse, and EXTREME emotional abuse/and gaslighting to the point where I legitimately thought I was insane and disassociate for days at a time. My mother is extremely narcissistic, emotionless immature, and sexualy abused me. told me thousands of times how i deserved the beatings (that later according to her never happened). She is basically a six year old and cannot be responsible. my dad was physically abusive etc. both have always favored my older sis extremely. ive been working since 12 to provide for myself. am on multiple meds but still live in my house. my mother constantly provokes me and pushes me to a point where i feel nothing. i become so emotionaless where i start planning how to kill her. im scared i reALLy am of myself. i want to go into law enforcement. i want to stop murderers not become one. i dont know what to do pls help. i need some advice .
UPDATE (if anyone cares loool): couldnt handle anything and snapped. texted social worker and she picked me up and after talking took me to the ER to get acessed. shes really sweet and honestly more a mother to me than my own. she stayed w me for the 7+ hours i was there. spoke to a crisis worker, and psychiatrist. initially was gonna be emitted but the later decided i was stable enough to go home. supposed to stay w a friend but they canceled. i can't help but wish i was held there. but ik they need space for ppl who are hurt. thanks for the support <3 | 2019-08-13T04:25:38.000Z | cpo160 | 8 | 1 | ptsd | im scared im gonna snap and kill someone | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpo160/im_scared_im_gonna_snap_and_kill_someone/ |
nighthawkasaurusrex | My PTSD started in Aug 2018 when my (then) fiancé and I were in a terrible accident. Since then, the year of recovery was hell, and on top of it I lost my job.
I’ve been in therapy since October with my PTSD and acceptance keeps coming up. It’s hard to accept all of the horrible things we’ve (and I’ve) been through in a year. My husband doesn’t remember the week after the accident, and I remember everything. I feel very alone in my trauma, and I have a hard time accepting it. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to accept that someone did something terrible to us and I thought my husband’s life was in danger, just a month after we got engaged. Yes, we are healthy but that person ruined this year of my life, which was supposed to be a wonderful celebration of our engagement, moving in together, my tenure year at work, and our marriage. Most of the year was not a celebration. My life has changed and I don’t think I’ll ever be the version of me I was before mentally, or physically, ever again. In the beginning, I thought life might feel normal, but it doesn’t.
Right now I’m considering medication as a coping mechanism. It’s been 54 weeks since our accident, and while I trigger less often, my mental health has really suffered. With school starting up soon, no job lined up, and no medical benefits, I’m really anxious, triggering more often again, and having nightmares/barely sleeping through the night.
I know this is basically word vomit, but I don’t know what else to do at this point. Everyone around me supports me the best ways they know how, but I still feel so alone, often. I’m tired of feeling like what happened to me/us. I’m tired of being affected by it. I know meds won’t stop this, but maybe I’ll be able to exist without every single car ride looking like a scene from Final Destination in my head.
If anyone has any thoughts at all, I welcome them. | 2019-08-13T04:02:37.000Z | cpnrc4 | 4 | 3 | ptsd | Practicing Radical Acceptance & To Medicate or Not? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpnrc4/practicing_radical_acceptance_to_medicate_or_not/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T03:53:28.000Z | cpno94 | 7 | 13 | ptsd | I got a subpoena in the mail today | 0.93 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpno94/i_got_a_subpoena_in_the_mail_today/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-13T03:26:26.000Z | cpne5u | 5 | 2 | ptsd | Therapist saying I have trauma but not ptsd | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpne5u/therapist_saying_i_have_trauma_but_not_ptsd/ |
Authentic2017 | So I took CBD today and it calmed me down mentally to allow me to be more conscious of all the thoughts I have. I realized (what I already knew, but now more so than before) that I always feel like people are laughing at me and judging me. I noticed that when I was walking on the sidewalk today that I had all this mental dialogue going on (almost like schizophrenia) hearing all the imagined voices of the people driving past me making fun of me and laughing at me. Laughing at what I wore, laughing at my face, laughing at my walk. I was afraid that one of them would be someone I knew or worse, one of the people who bullied me.
So for the first time I truly acknowledged my anxiety and asked why I felt this way....by doing so I confirmed a belief I previously only partly held.
***It is that because I was bullied by so many people (like 15) (ostracized, yelled at, made fun of and told constantly that no one liked me) that it must have been my fault, or else why would so many people mistreat me and even the ones that didnt partake just allow the abuse to happen and even become friends with these people? If they were really doing something wrong surely no one would willingly befriend bullies or not stand up to them when it happened everyday right? Because everyone knew it was going on, they all saw. It must be my fault of this allowed to happen. So I thought that since I caused it, there is something about me that will cause this to happen with other people aswell. Thus i see everyone as a potential bully, and no self talk changed the anxiety when I was out today***
I saw someone I knew and though she smiled at me I shut down and after our conversation I just wanted to go home and I wasn’t even present the entire time, my mind kept going back to memories of being yelled at and made fun of the whole conversation even though she was laughing with me. I kept going numb because I felt like if I emotionally checked out, then any bullying that I expected on her part wouldn’t affect me because I wasn’t emotionally there in the first place. All of which I became aware of is something that always happens but cbd made me more conscious of it, it made me more conscious of things that had already been there but I just ignored/I had been denying because I didn’t want to accept that I was mentally ill.
So how do I, I guess stop thinking that I was at fault for being bullied, or even if I WAS doing something wrong that they just exaggerated my flaws and that I am not a monster that will just be rejected and made fun of by everyone across the board? | 2019-08-12T22:29:59.000Z | cpjqw0 | 1 | 5 | ptsd | Paranoia about Being Bullied Again | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpjqw0/paranoia_about_being_bullied_again/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T21:29:12.000Z | cpix8q | 8 | 26 | ptsd | My family is pressuring me to return to my home town, where all my trauma happened, so I can take care of my drug-addicted uncle and his kids TW: child abuse | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpix8q/my_family_is_pressuring_me_to_return_to_my_home/ |
andilyne | It’ll be one year in October since my traumatic accident. It’s not even here yet, and I’m having more flashbacks and dreams of the accident. My scars ache and my mood is fluctuating. I’ve never had anything like this before and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. Any advice to deal with your trauma anniversary date? | 2019-08-12T20:38:30.000Z | cpi861 | 6 | 3 | ptsd | Anniversary | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpi861/anniversary/ |
jadesdossier | I feel like for the past few weeks I’ve been constantly trying to distract myself from being alone or being “still” to avoid thinking about my experience. But the more I really think about it, I don’t feel okay, and I don’t know what can really resolve or get me past this situation. I’ve spoken to my therapist about it a few times now, and I had the expectation that things would change instantly after talking about it, but they haven’t. I still don’t know what will make this better. | 2019-08-12T20:38:02.000Z | cpi7xp | 2 | 9 | ptsd | I’m not bad but I’m also not okay? | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpi7xp/im_not_bad_but_im_also_not_okay/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T20:09:38.000Z | cphu4i | 1 | 7 | ptsd | To My Person... | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cphu4i/to_my_person/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T19:00:16.000Z | cpguy6 | 0 | 0 | ptsd | Can symptoms of PTSD be caused by stressful situations you have knowledge about but you weren't directly involved? | 0.5 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpguy6/can_symptoms_of_ptsd_be_caused_by_stressful/ |
thenacho1 | Hi, I believe I have mild PTSD from an extremely stressful situation involving a friend who became totally delusional and psychotic when he and I, along with few other friends, took LSD a few months ago. He was freaking out, repeating the same six or so nonsensical phrases including things like "do I want to die" and "how do I get to 'one'". Eventually, after hours of trying to calm him down, he went off the deep end and punched my friend's TV, breaking it. At that point we had to pin him to the ground and call 911, during which he was screaming at the top of his lungs "let me die" and pounding his head against the tile flooring to attempt to do so. We got a pillow under his head, an ambulance showed up alongside the police and they cuffed him and strapped him into a gurney, and he was wheeled away to the hospital. He was fine the next day. Somehow, no legal repercussions came of this situation.
My problem is, oftentimes my mind will wander back to this situation, where I recall bits and pieces of it. It isn't extremely troubling, but it is still stressful to remember, and the worst part is I'll start imagining several what if scenarios where I consider multiple different outcomes and follow them through, along with the emotions they would involve. What if he succeeded in killing himself, what if he killed somebody else, what if we all went to prison, etc, and it's very unpleasant to imagine. Does anyone else experience this sort of imagining of what if scenarios? | 2019-08-12T18:21:39.000Z | cpgblz | 2 | 6 | ptsd | Obsessing over alternate outcomes and what ifs? [TW: Psychosis, drug use, self harm] | 0.81 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpgblz/obsessing_over_alternate_outcomes_and_what_ifs_tw/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T16:09:16.000Z | cpegnp | 4 | 13 | ptsd | I turned 22 today and cried alone in my room after having flashbacks of physical abuse by my parents and most recently by my ex girlfriend. | 0.86 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpegnp/i_turned_22_today_and_cried_alone_in_my_room/ |
SilverUnicorn24 | TW: suicide, death, gaslighting, discussion of triggers
A few weeks ago my partner’s friend set off my
triggers. They didn’t know but they did. I asked my partner to tell them since I had a panic attack and suicidal ideation return a few days later. They didn’t talk to that person because they said it was hard to mention my ptsd and triggers and panic attacks. This hurts because it feels like they are not taking the matter seriously. For me it is a life or death situation and very concerning for my health.
My partner had food allergies and if I didn’t tell people “please no nuts” because I was scared it would make things awkward to have a food allergy attack then people would bring nuts to and he would die. How do I get my partner to see that people setting off my triggers is the same thing.
That even though it is not comfortable it’s an issue of my safety, health, and well being | 2019-08-12T14:37:55.000Z | cpd85n | 1 | 2 | ptsd | PTSD and Partners | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpd85n/ptsd_and_partners/ |
astral_berry | I feel like things have been really good. Ive worked hard over five years to claw my way into a functional life. I'm seeing a psych again, we've just started CPT. Then the other day was my birthday and I really try not to drink generally because I can get really emotional and act erratically. My friends bought me a bunch of cocktails at lunch and before I knew it we'd been drinking from 12pm till 4am which is a HUGE day for me.
My partner and I went home and we kept drinking on the balcony. But he started saying some really crazy stuff like about if I was kidnapped for information I'd have to tell them everything or they would dismember me and rape me and I was so upset but he just kept pushing it and going into more and more detail, just to drive home this point that I would be helpless and would have no power and that I would break.
He said he did it because he had been drinking as much as me and that I was saying some "dumb shit" about how I wouldn't, but he definitely pushed me to an extreme zone after I asked him to stop and actively tried to leave the conversation, and he followed me.
We have a plan for my PTSD that I worked out with my psych. He's supposed to be a safe person so I've discussed it with him in great detail, the plan is on the fridge. All he has to do is learn to recognise my symptoms and then help calm me down by supporting me and listening to me. If he can't do that, he is to call the 24/7 counseling number that my psychologists run. If they can't calm me down he is to call an ambulance for assistance.
To put things in perspective, I have been doing extremely well this year. I work full time, I exercise a lot, and I've improved a lot. I have never needed to even call the 24/7 line for help.
But he pushed me so far I wasn't even there anymore. He pushed me until I was literally back in the room with the person who hurt me, unable to move. I remember screaming at him to get away from me, of shutting myself in our spare room and curling up crying in the fetal position. He just came in anyway and laughed at me then left the room.
I got up and punched the door repeatedly, which I have never done in my entire life. My entire hand is blue with the bruise. He came back in and started laughing at me again about how I couldn't even break the door and then left again.
I was still crying and I don't know why but I just needed to get out of there so I grabbed my handbag and called a friend and then got an uber there and stayed on their couch. The next day I came back and instead of accepting any responsibility, he started yelling at me about how I was acting and how I shouldn't be so fragile and how he shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells around me and how pathetic I had been by "throwing a tantrum" and how I couldn't even break the door.
I was just shocked he couldn't even see any of it from my perspective at all. He didn't apologise, he took absolutely no responsibility at all. I started questioning things, but after speaking to my friend and knowing that the plan is on the fridge and that he did the exact opposite of it, I know that what he did wasn't right.
The past few days since we have talked about it a little but I've been an absolute mess. I'm anxious randomly, I feel like all the effort I've made has just been for nothing. I feel angry that he not only didn't help me how he said he would but that he pushed me further into distress to the point I had one of the most violent and vivid flashbacks I've ever had, then openly mocked me for it.
I'm seeing my psychologist Friday but I don't know what to do. I've had to regain a lot of trust with him over the past year as he has often been cold and callous and at times frightening when he's been drinking. In February I went to stay with a friend for a week because I had been so frightened. But he said he wanted to try again and he promised to get counseling and not do that again. And for the most part he hasn't. He still drinks, and he hasn't got counseling, but he hasn't made me feel unsafe since. But now he has again. And I just don't know what to do.
I've brought the conversation up with him a few times now and he has said he doesn't want to upset me. I sat down with him and I went through my CPT paperwork and showed him how my brain is "stuck" in a way compared to a normal brain, and explained how I'm trying to fix it. I sent him a bunch of resources on how to support someone with PTSD. But I'm still uneasy, I still felt sick all day and I still feel anxious. How can I move past this with him? | 2019-08-12T13:49:54.000Z | cpcmxw | 0 | 3 | ptsd | CW/TW Domestic Violence, Alcohol Use, Losing Control, Triggering | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpcmxw/cwtw_domestic_violence_alcohol_use_losing_control/ |
Bonocity | I've been spending more time lately trying to write down the thoughts and emotions I experience during a trigger episode to try to better analyze and understand the mechanisms behind them.
For me personally, my triggers all stem from past relationship trauma and have carried over to every new partner since then and always relate to my partner's late nights out. The later my partner is out and may take longer to communicate the quicker I seem to go into fight or flight mode. On top of that, I've realized that in the moment and even after, it's a very ME centric state of thinking and feeling. When in that 0-100 state, I have no concern or empathy to how my present state is making my partner feel. It's entirely defensive and reactive and mad at my "partner for putting me in the state of feelings that I experience."
I'm wondering if anyone can relate and has some advice or tips to deal with that particular issue as I know It's unhealthy as hell but am not sure how to tackle it.
Thanks! | 2019-08-12T13:39:26.000Z | cpciho | 3 | 2 | ptsd | For people with relationship based/interpersonal PTSD triggers: Anyone else have a hard time with being compassionate to others? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpciho/for_people_with_relationship_basedinterpersonal/ |
2p_blog_thing | So, before my ex best friend assaulted me, I’ve only had one lucid dream when I was 12. But now almost every single night I am very aware that I am dreaming. Has anyone else experienced this? I figured it’s my brain not trusting itself so I have to control my dreams, but it’s an odd thing I’ve never seen brought up. | 2019-08-12T10:08:30.000Z | cpad3h | 24 | 73 | ptsd | Did anyone else’s ptsd trigger lucid dreams? | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpad3h/did_anyone_elses_ptsd_trigger_lucid_dreams/ |
ashes_to_evolution | TW: unwanted sexual advances
My birthday is coming up, and unfortunately it's one of my triggers. Two years ago at my birthday party, a trusted friend of mine made unwanted sexual advances while I was extremely drunk. (At my apartment, after my other friend went home, and while I was essentially passed out). This was doubly traumatic for me because it brought up a lot of feelings around my experiences of childhood sexual abuse, also from someone I cared about and trusted (the childhood stuff is also what caused my "original" PTSD).
Anyway, the closer it gets to my birthday, the higher my anxiety gets, and the more I find myself thinking about what happened two years ago. And it makes me really mad, and I feel "stupid" for having this association with my birthday, and for "letting" it continue to be a thing for me two years later.
My boyfriend is planning a vacation for the two of us for my birthday, and I feel super detached from that so far and I hope I'll be able to have a good time when the time comes. One of my friends asked me a couple days ago if I'm planning on doing anything with friends and I told her probably not. I basically want to ignore the hell out of my birthday and pretend it doesn't exist. But it's on my mind whether I make plans or not, so that hasn't really been working out very well for me so far.
Edit: a word | 2019-08-12T09:49:55.000Z | cpa7di | 2 | 1 | ptsd | My birthday is one of my triggers and it's pissing me off | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cpa7di/my_birthday_is_one_of_my_triggers_and_its_pissing/ |
Forcenight96 | Hi, so I have complex PTSD, I like think I manage it okay but there so many moments when I'm violently and irrationally angry... I don't like hurting anyone in anyone it's just rage.
It gets worst at night.
I'll wake every half hour covered in sweat and ready to fight... it takes me a few seconds to calm down but I just don't understand?? I don't have a bad life now or anything but that anger is still there.
I grew up fighting but I never took any pleasure in it.
People, friends jump out and surprise me just for fun I find myself holding back a fist and scared out of my mind.... | 2019-08-12T08:36:32.000Z | cp9lpw | 4 | 2 | ptsd | Feedback request | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp9lpw/feedback_request/ |
Geishawithak | For example, I'm terrified someone is going to break into my house and stab me. I have no trauma (that I remember) about that. I'm also terrified someone will sneak into my house and rape me. I've never been raped. I've been almost raped and I've been assaulted. Idk why I'm afraid of these things, but on the other hand I keep remembering more and more things that happened when I was young so maybe something like that has happened. My childhood is mostly a blank. My entire childhood was terrifying for all kinds of reasons from all kinds of people. I was never beaten except getting bruises from being grabbed, but I was chased and I had to hide and I was pinned against walls, and locked in rooms, and threatened, and watched bad things happen to people I love. Somehow I always escaped and protected my sisters from what I could. I'm just confused and feel bad because I don't remember actually being seriously beaten or raped, but I have all of these strong reactions to things like that. My body freaks out, but my brain is just... Confused?
I don't want to read into things that didn't happen, but it feels like they did happen.
Sorry for the rant. It's my first time posting and I've never gotten a chance to talk to anyone besides my therapist about these things. I'm afraid to bring this specific thing up to her because what if I'm just overreacting or subconsciously want to be a victim? I don't want this, but it doesn't make sense. Did it happen or am I just giving myself excuses to be afraid? Anyone else have this problem? | 2019-08-12T06:42:14.000Z | cp8nqn | 10 | 5 | ptsd | Is it normal to be terrified of specific things that have nothing to do with your trauma? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp8nqn/is_it_normal_to_be_terrified_of_specific_things/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T05:38:57.000Z | cp83q1 | 3 | 9 | ptsd | What reasonable accommodations can I request from my employer? Would it be legal if my employer fired me for PTSD-caused poor work performance? | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp83q1/what_reasonable_accommodations_can_i_request_from/ |
Mementolambo | So, been together with my GF with ptsd for almost 3 months, what bothers me is that she apparently doesnt realize that we dont have common interests.
Is this typical for someone with ptsd, to kinda not look at those things, she often mentioned someone she knows or a family member of her dont have anything in common, while I am sitting there thinking, uhmm neither do we.
I mean we both really like and love each other, but our interests are so different, how has this relationship been working for 3 months?.. | 2019-08-12T05:15:58.000Z | cp7wd3 | 15 | 2 | ptsd | My GF with ptsd and I have nothing in common | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp7wd3/my_gf_with_ptsd_and_i_have_nothing_in_common/ |
bbbybrggs | Tired of being triggered by everything, tired of having to constantly confront that my trigger is a “normal” human function. I don’t want to know that people have sex. I don’t want to know anything about it or think about it or see even the most abstract mentions of it. And I feel so stupid and childish for feeling that way because it’s just a thing that people do. I’m so tired of having ptsd. Part of my brain is constantly saying that everyone else is wrong and disgusting and I’m the only one that knows, and the other half knows that’s irrational and I should try and recover because it’s unhealthy. I just want to be normal | 2019-08-12T04:54:19.000Z | cp7ox3 | 2 | 13 | ptsd | Tired of being a human | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp7ox3/tired_of_being_a_human/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T04:18:21.000Z | cp7c53 | 22 | 30 | ptsd | Is it possible to have PTSD despite not going through a specific traumatic event? | 0.92 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp7c53/is_it_possible_to_have_ptsd_despite_not_going/ |
ptsdsucksass | I have bad conflict trauma and whenever I am triggered I feel childlike and want to be held is this possible age sliding or do only people with DID or OSDD experience it, thanks for any possible answers on the matter they are greatly appreciated. | 2019-08-12T03:37:03.000Z | cp6wjd | 15 | 15 | ptsd | Question about age sliding for yall | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp6wjd/question_about_age_sliding_for_yall/ |
unnownturtle | I grabbed one of my pillows for some reason and I was fine. I got the urge to hug the pillow so I did.
I completely froze and shoke a bit as I layed on my bed hugging my pillow while in a slight panic. Not too big but still 10 minutes long.
I don't know why this happened and I seemed a bit shaken up afterwards | 2019-08-12T03:29:02.000Z | cp6tiz | 0 | 1 | ptsd | The other day I had what I think was two panic attacks in the middle of the night for no reason. We're they panic attacks or something else? | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp6tiz/the_other_day_i_had_what_i_think_was_two_panic/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-12T01:52:50.000Z | cp5rbo | 12 | 15 | ptsd | Someone broke into my house | 0.95 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp5rbo/someone_broke_into_my_house/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-11T23:50:00.000Z | cp4dyh | 4 | 1 | ptsd | I need some advice | 0.99 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp4dyh/i_need_some_advice/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-11T23:36:15.000Z | cp48a5 | 6 | 2 | ptsd | I’m young and I need some advice. | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp48a5/im_young_and_i_need_some_advice/ |
i_am_sofaking_ | My 21 year old cousin ended his life one month ago. The night he did, I went over to my uncle's house for support along with my sister and my uncle's sister.What I didn't know until i got there, was that his body was still there. My sister wanted to say goodbye and trying to be the supportive big sister, I decided I would go with her.
These next few parts may be triggering to people as I go into detail about the manner of death. Which is important for my current issues.
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>!!<
He ended his life by placing trash bags around his head and securing them tightly. We believe he may have also used some medicine or alcohol to make him drowsy but we are still awaiting toxicology results. By the time we got there the bags were removed from his body but layed beside him. Initially seeing him helped calm my mind. I had created a much more gruesome picture in my head and truly he looked very peaceful like he was just taking a nap on his bed. We also found his cellphone, he made a playlist on YouTube titled "the end" and it was the last thing he listened to. The playlist contained only songs from Weezer, which happened to be one of my favorite bands.
I was sitting downstairs in their living room when the staff from the funeral home came to collect him. The thing that broke me, was hearing them zip up his body. I guess at that point it became real to me. Seeing him at his viewing also ruined me. He looked nothing like himself. He was caked with so much makeup but I could still see the bruising.
Since then, I cant sleep a full 8 hours. I think the most I've gotten in one night straight was 4 hours. I wake up continuously, often laying awake until my alarm goes off for work. When I do sleep, I'm often having nightmares. I dreamed last night my son was dead. The night before that my cousin died all over again.
During the day and at work, I'm exhausted, snippy, overeating or not eating at all. I have crying spells daily, the simplest things remind me of everything. I cant take out the trash anymore. It upsets me too much. I cant listen to Weezer anymore. I went to their concert last summer with my husband which happened to be his first concert. That is no longer a happy memory for me. I often get flashbacks seeing his body.
I explained this to my sister and she suggested it may be beyond grief, it may be PTSD. I have been going to therapy, and my next appointment is in Thursday. Any thoughts?
*cross posted from suicide bereavement* | 2019-08-11T22:34:49.000Z | cp3i1s | 2 | 1 | ptsd | Greif or PTSD? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp3i1s/greif_or_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-11T22:09:33.000Z | cp36xk | 5 | 5 | ptsd | Abuse survivor looking for advice after an incident with my current partner triggered me | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp36xk/abuse_survivor_looking_for_advice_after_an/ |
rainbowunicorn199 | I’ve come to the realization that therapy never worked for me because I was labeled “crazy” and “dysfunctional” by my family growing up and the hospitalizations and therapy was their way of helping the “crazy” ,but I’ve never seen myself as “crazy” . So I would share what I thought would help me seem productive and “stable” but now that I realized I need the therapy I can’t stop associating it with something crazy people need, and so I keep trying to go and get help but there is this “wall” blocking me from fully opening up and getting the help I need. | 2019-08-11T21:01:30.000Z | cp2bgu | 2 | 3 | ptsd | Help me help myself | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp2bgu/help_me_help_myself/ |
gingerandgiggles | This is my third year anniversary of some of my traumas; The time surrounding my birthday (mid August) and Valentine’s Day. Upcoming is the first anniversary of another trauma, Christmas Eve. It’s very hard for me to be happy around these dates, and I understand why. But it’s supposed to be this joyous time, especially since I’m turning 21 in a week. I’m usually a high energy person, but lately I have no motivation and am crabby at work, where usually I’m bright and bubbly. How can I cope with these emotions? | 2019-08-11T20:16:04.000Z | cp1qqq | 1 | 2 | ptsd | Anniversary effect | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp1qqq/anniversary_effect/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-11T18:43:42.000Z | cp0jxp | 2 | 16 | ptsd | The first time my family has acknowledged my PTSD to another. Any support appreciated | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp0jxp/the_first_time_my_family_has_acknowledged_my_ptsd/ |
[deleted] | [deleted] | 2019-08-11T18:25:47.000Z | cp0bku | 33 | 61 | ptsd | PTSD and auditory hallucinations? | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cp0bku/ptsd_and_auditory_hallucinations/ |
CookingWithPTSD | So, there's this guy I like.
Obviously that's triggering my PTSD badly.
I had no idea that was like that before, so I pretty much always failed. The last relationship was short and I just stormed away and ended it with a thunder. The guy never knew what hit me.
I have also no idea what hit me... So, I don't know what to do now?
I am going through with the therapist... I am very stuck.
My coping strategy last time was drinking. I was lucky with the guy, he was a good guy and he was taking care of me, so it went without much problems. He managed me.
Just this time, no idea how to manage myself. The dissociations are not very social. At this point I don't even know how I will manage to pull through the date. Getting drunk is not the best option.
An advice would be greatly appreciated. | 2019-08-11T17:36:01.000Z | cozoda | 4 | 5 | ptsd | Trouble with a coming date | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cozoda/trouble_with_a_coming_date/ |
kutiket | null | 2019-08-11T17:31:37.000Z | cozm8z | 20 | 59 | ptsd | How do i deal with triggers that send me into a rage? | 0.98 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cozm8z/how_do_i_deal_with_triggers_that_send_me_into_a/ |
xyzaddy | The other night I had a talk with my now ex boyfriend who told me he didn’t feel loved because I wasn’t super affectionate. He said it doesn’t take much to run his shoulders sometimes or to play with his hair. All things I loved doing, but I have such a hard time with touch. I was raped when I was 8 and sexually abused all throughout my childhood. When I tried to be more open with my friends and normal I was sexually assaulted last summer. I was also in a relationship where the guy I was with manipulated me into having sex with him and overstepped my sexual boundaries. Now, being super affectionate it extremely hard for me. He left me because I’m not loving enough and he feels alone. I can’t blame him for how he feels. Even after explaining everything I go through it to him it wasn’t enough.
I need help dealing with my ptsd so people I love will stop leaving me. | 2019-08-11T17:16:39.000Z | cozfh9 | 22 | 56 | ptsd | Trouble with affection/touch | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cozfh9/trouble_with_affectiontouch/ |
tobecontinued89 | Hi! Just wondering if anyone experienced that. I had stressful experience with a person, and now each time I see them I get super anxious dissociative reaction. The thing was that the person got really mad at me once for something, and anyone being that a dry snaps something in me. So I had to than see this person yesterday and for the 24h before that I got hyperanxious and literally didn't do much until I saw them. It was like... Holding my breath under water. Like I stopped thinking I will live past that one day and I was just counting hours. Now, the thing is they aren't angry anymore, which is a normal reaction. Yet every time I have to call or see them I get super scared and anxious. I can't even explain. It so it makes sense... Has anyone experienced this? Seeing them yesterday went fine, but the problem is I will need to see them again and I'm nit sure my brain gets that I'm not in danger... | 2019-08-11T10:11:50.000Z | cov2yr | 0 | 7 | ptsd | Secondary triggers?! | 1 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cov2yr/secondary_triggers/ |
Helpthrowaway1231q | Hi guys,
I’m a 27 year old who had a traumatic experience about two months ago. I went to an exercise class and stopped in the middle (short of breath). I proceeded to convinced myself I was having a heart attack... when it was really just a panic attack. I tried to stay calm, but I was alone and totally gave in to my freak out. To make things worse, this all happened during the Pride parade in NYC. The only thing I could think about that entire time was “how am I gonna get home alone in this... I’m just gonna die here.” I proceeded to stay in a corner of the gym lobby for four hours till friends came to get me. I was really shaken up but convinced myself I’d feel better in the morning. The next morning I couldn’t even leave my house. I’m better now. I can pretty much do everything I normally do. But I go through these shitty moments where I disassociate and get anxious for no reason. I fixate on weird stuff and I just obsess with the idea that I’m one more freak out from being in a straight jacket for the rest of my life.
I know people on this subreddit have actually gone through really terrible shit. But I just can’t shake what happened to me. I had such a healthy mental/psychological balance before this and it breaks my heart that I just feel so broken. I’ve started therapy and it’s been helpful. I guess I’m just not satisfied with my progress. Any advice? | 2019-08-11T04:15:36.000Z | cosbd2 | 1 | 1 | ptsd | New to this — help | 0.67 | https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/cosbd2/new_to_this_help/ |