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zcizmb | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-04T19:28:39" | OOP girlfriend said no when he proposed because he didn't have a photographer at the time | CONCLUDED | samalise09 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcizmb/oop_girlfriend_said_no_when_he_proposed_because/ | false | false | [
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zcj80q | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-04T19:37:10" | OOP's girlfriend says no to his proposal. He needs to rethink his whole relationship. | CONCLUDED | samalise09 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcj80q/oops_girlfriend_says_no_to_his_proposal_he_needs/ | false | false | [
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zckayh | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/askin4advice in r/relationship_advice**
---
 
[**…what do I do?….**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pmosck/what_do_i_do/) - 12 September 2021
Hello….I know my best friend uses this for advice when she doesn’t know who to talk to and I have found myself in a very similar situation…
Long post alert…..
I am an openly gay male. I grew up in a very religious and very homophobic town, and did not have many friends.
Except one….let’s call him Phil.
Phil has been my best friend for damn near 20 years. Met in 4th grade and have always been the best of mates. He was the first person I came out to…
He was the one who fought for me when I was bullied bc I never could fight for myself. He sat with me when I came out to my parents and let me stay with him when they didn’t react the best. He helped my parents and me come back together.
Never once in the history of our friendship was I ever attracted to him, he was just always the brother I needed to draw myself out of the cave of depression I always walked myself into.
After the past 3 living in California, he moved back to PA about 7 miles away from me. Immediately we began hanging out 4 nights a week. Whether in person or gaming with each other for hours at a time and have been doing so since he moved back 2 years ago.
So….here’s the part that is literally destroying my brain.
3 nights ago, we went out for Thursday night trivia like we always do and we actually won. We won $250 and got SMASHED. Skip the drunken details, he can’t drive and we walk back to my place and I offer him the guest room.
I wake up in the middle of the night, still buzzed as hell to him getting in the covers with me. We’ve cuddled before, but when one of us needed comfort or had a shitty week.
He kissed me….and not like a friendly kiss two mates have….like grabbed my face and pulled me into him.
I was smashed and I am gay at the end of the day and I followed his lead. Skip a few minutes to us completely naked under the covers passed out drunk.
When I woke up, he was laying across my chest. He immediately woke up and kissed me again.
Then sudden panic set in for both of us. He jumps up stuttering gets dressed and ran from my house.
I never thought of him as anything other than my brother, but I haven’t stopped thinking about the what if; but most importantly, I want him in my life.
And he has ghosted me….
He is not answering any of my simple “hey” or “hello” texts. His truck is never at his house when I drive home from work. He’s not answering my phone calls (only 5 in the past 3 days) when we would talk literally more than what I do with my mother.
I know I didn’t force myself upon him, but I don’t want to expect a relationship to bud out of this because I don’t think I even want that. At least I don’t think I do.
What do I do?…..I’m literally losing sleep over it. I can’t talk to my best friend about bc SHE USED TO DATE HIM.
I know I love him, but is this something other type of love? I don’t think so but it’s ALL I can think about since he won’t message me.
Please somebody help me.
 
[**My (m33) straight best friend (m32) of 20+ years has “feelings”**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/poram5/my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_of_20_years_has/) - 15 September 2021
A follow up to my last post….
So after a week of ghosting me from the previous situation going on, he finally messaged me back
Quick recap of events
I am a gay male, my best friend since childhood and I have been hanging out almost daily since 4th grade.
Last week we both got way too drunk and ended up fooling around before he ran away the following morning and didn’t respond.
HE FINALLY DID.
He apologized for ghosting me, but he said this to me and I am just BESIDE MYSELF. I don’t know what to say back I don’t know how to move forward.
**************
Him- “I don’t know man. I don’t look at dudes that way, but you just bring out the most wholesome version of myself when I am with you.”
Me- “well duh dude… we’ve been best friends forever…you do the same for me. It was one very drunken night and we all do stupid shit that we regret you know??”
Him- “I’ve never done anything like that, and I wouldn’t call it stupid. I mean you know everything about me. Like everything.”
Me- “I just miss you man….please just come over tonight so we can talk in person I hate this texting thing…”
Him- “I don’t know if I can see you face to face right now.”
Me- “let’s just forget that it happened and come play some video games after work with me…”
Him- “I don’t know if I want to forget. Dude you know I love you. And now I’m all fucked up inside about it.”
Me- “I love you too!! You know that! You’re literally my favorite person…”
Him- “I don’t know man, have you ever thought about being with me?”
*******************************
WHAT……?!?……
I told him that was a loaded question. He went off on a tangent of how he would hate himself if he didn’t give “us a chance.”
Im not the kind of guy to try to “convert” a straight guy. I’m not one of those guys…
I have NEVER thought of doing anything with him and one night literally has changed our whole dynamic and I am stressed high key about this.
Yes I love him, but….do I LOVE him?…
What if I say no and he resents me for it?
What if I say yes and it goes horrifically wrong and I lose literally my favorite person on the face of existence?
HALP
 
[**My (m33) straight best friend (m32) has feelings (I’m pretty sure)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ppd3p4/my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_has_feelings_im/) - 16 September 2021
Again thank you for any words of advice…I usually go to my female best friend for this kind of thing but I can’t….and it’s left me lost on who to talk to
But as for my best friend situation…we’ll…update….
We still haven’t talked about what happened face to face….not really anyway…
He came by today though…but literally the only thing that happened now has me all twisted up inside
He rang the bell (which he never does but besides the point) and I answered.
Lo and behold I haven’t seen him in almost a week since all this happened so I didn’t know how to approach talking to him face to face or giving him a hug or whatever I don’t know…
“Hey there stranger..” was all I could muster
He just stares at me….he doesn’t say anything he just continues staring at me.
“Want to come in?”…I step aside showing him I’m watching a movie…
He shakes his head almost violently. Starts scratching the back of his neck and starts to say something.
Then suddenly he lunges forward and kisses me….maybe two three seconds
Not even long enough for me to realize what exactly was happening
Then he pulls away and just stares at me. He starts crying and runs to his truck and drives off…
I try calling him and I get declined…I need to talk to him but I don’t want to push him away further than what he’s pushing himself away…is he questioning our friendship? Is he questioning his sexuality?
I’ve been thinking…but I just need to talk to him about everything before I or we can move forward… I need to talk to someone about this…
Like I said can’t talk to my roommate about this…she used to date him and now she knows something is up because we literally used to hang out 4 times a week and the other three we’re still playing games online together
This is my best friend. We’ve gone from playing ding dong ditch as preteens to shutting down bars together. We watch tv series together and go to football games and are each other’s support through everything and have been for so long.
I don’t want to ruin this friendship. I know now that he at least wants to try or that’s what has been implied and as much as the little voice in the back of my head saying “go for it” all I can think is “HES NOT GAY. IT WAS ONE NIGHT.” And he’s just confused and I could try to explain but he WONT TALK TO ME.
Do I just go over and demand he talk to me about this whole thing??
I want to try to, but also I don’t.
I’ve always imagined him being my best man at my wedding one day and vice versa. How I couldn’t do that without him by my side.
Is it him I’m imagining now? Is it me he’s imagining? I don’t KNOW
someone talk me off a cliff because I’m really about to drive over there
 
[**UPDATE: my (m33) straight best friend (m32) spent the night convincing me to give “us” a chance**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pqmeat/update_my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_spent_the/) - 18 September 2021
Again any advice would be wonderful not sure where else to go
Recap: we have been best friends since 4th grade. Lived with each other for two years in the past. One drunken night a week ago, we both got blackout drunk and ended up fooling around. He ghosted me for quite some time after, until culminating with him coming over to my place, not saying a word, kissing me, and running away.
After advice from the last post I made, I drove over and basically demanded he stop avoiding direct conversation with me.
I sat on his porch swing and just waited after telling him I was outside and I would fall asleep on it unless he came and sat with me.
After two hours, he came out and he sat beside me. We sat in silence for about another half hour just swinging beside each other before I finally started crying.
He began apologizing profusely saying how he’s screwing everything up between us.
Then we talked. I won’t disclose everything we talked but it ended in the decision, that he wants to explore his sexuality, but he doesn’t want to explore with anyone else but me.
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking of the possibility of something happening between us once or twice in the 20 years we’ve known each other. He’s a good looking guy. But he’s also sweet and genuine to a fault.
I don’t want to ruin our friendship, and I told him that. If we were to try something I am PETRIFIED that we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
He wasn’t concerned at all about it. We’ll be friends no matter what. But I am not friends with many of my exes, don’t know many who are.
I told him if we did anything I’m not diving in fully. If we would feel awkward we’d stop.
A long night of him of him saying this and that we came to an agreement.
A night of us like normal, playing video games and watching a movie, but we’d start with cuddling or something small and maybe a PG/PG13 sleepover.
It’s happening tonight. I’m anxious, nervous, nauseous, scared…yet excited.
Anyone here ever start dating their best friend? Did it work out? Did it not? And if it didn’t are you still best friends? THAT is my one fear…if it doesn’t work out, will we still be best friends?
I have a feeling he’ll realize that he isn’t questioning himself and just feels comfortable with me. Comfortability and sexuality are two different things. I don’t want him to realize this and think I was trying to “convert” him.
I posted this in another group last night and got good advice but this is where I first posted my story so wanted to get your feedback as well.
 
[**UPDATE: me (m33) and my “straight” best friend (m32) are planning an official date**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pry7bo/update_me_m33_and_my_straight_best_friend_m32_are/) - 20 September 2021
Just want to say thank you to all of you who gave me advice on previous post…my nerves were getting the better of me and I almost didn’t go through with it
We decided to take things slow….it would be the first time he ever had interest in a guy and here’s how yesterday’s interaction went
He came over….and it was a normal night between us in all honesty
I thought there would be awkward tension or something but it was more than anything I expected
He came over and we played our online games for a bit with playful shoves and comments
There were moments that we caught each other staring at each other and we would just start laughing….honestly my favorite part of the night
We put on a movie opened a bottle of wine but instead of opposite chairs he squeezed in beside me on my futon and did his best attempt at cuddling me
We realized very quickly that he’s not a good little spoon 😅😂
It was really cute that he tried though
He kissed the top of my head a few times and we kissed a few times but nothing serious
We ended up falling asleep cuddling on my futon, woke up went to breakfast to the next morning and made plans for an actual date
It didn’t feel awkward…it felt like us….natural and normal…
Just showing our appreciation and love for each other a little bit more than what we normally do
It was very very nice 😊
Now he made dinner reservations for us at a nice restaurant and we’re going to go see Dear Evan Hansen afterwards (even though he hates musicals)
All caution and hesitation aside, I am very thankful to y’all for talking to me and giving me advice on the situation
I’m hopeful about this, not saying I think he’s the one but I now know this is the start of a new side to our friendship that is going to be eye opening and beautiful
Thanks again y’all
 
[**UPDATE: my (m33) “straight” best friend (m32) had our first date**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pvcc7d/update_my_m33_straight_best_friend_m32_had_our/) - 25 September 2021
Again thank y’all for all your advice the week prior….don’t think I would have gone through with giving it a chance if it weren’t for your words of encouragement
A lot of you asked for an update 😅😂
Not sure this will be a continuing thing but I might pop up here and there
bc you all helped me so much here is how yesterday’s date went
My cars in the garage currently so he picked me up from work.
He drove me home and told me we were going to a nice restaurant. Asked if it was like suit and tie, he said whatever you are comfortable with.
I ended up wearing a tannish button up polo, dress pants and whatnot. Came down the stairs to him in a suit jacket with a dark brown shirt (we matched 😊) holding a single rose.
We ended up going to a steakhouse where you flip over a coaster to let them know if you want anything else to eat.
We sat and laughed and talked for 3 hours, but it seemed like only minutes. I picked out a bottle of wine and we just truly enjoyed the evening. Sorry for skipping out on a lot of details.
Then we walked across the street to the matinee for Dear Evan Hanson and this is where we bumped into one of his coworkers with his wife.
I was fully prepared for him to say we were going as friends but he introduced me as his date without prompting from me or his friend at all and honestly….my heart fluttered in 10,000 ways.
He was just comfortable and it made me even more at ease.
The movie starts and I can’t help it I’m a cryer, I was crying the whole damn movie. If you haven’t at least listened to the soundtrack PLEASE DO.
But at one point, I was cuddled up in a ball of emotion just staring at the screen. He leaned over kissed my shoulder and laid his head on my shoulder and with one hand gently rubbed my shin up and down for a little bit. (Made me cry more 😂😂)
End of the night, he drove me home. Kissed me goodnight and texted me throughout the rest of the night until I fell asleep.
Woke up to a few texts asking if I fell asleep on him, but woke up to a final text saying it was the best first date and can’t wait for our 10th.
There you have it. I might come back for advice on certain things in the future, but for now I’m going to thank you for helping me get to this point.
Appreciate y’all 🥰🥰🥰
 
[**My (m33) boyfriend (m32) is acting different since one of my friends called us a “queer relationship”**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qmkya3/my_m33_boyfriend_m32_is_acting_different_since/) - 4 November 2021
Hello again everybody.
Been a long time. Came back here for some advice after a few days ago this happened.
My best friend since childhood turned boyfriend, who has never been with a man before our relationship, had a little…. I don’t know what to call it….. moment.
We’re communicating well, and honestly have been having a blast these past few weeks.
All was well, and it still is, but these past couple days have been a little rough since we had a dinner party with a few of my LGTBQ+ friends for a birthday.
I don’t think they meant any harm but my friend asked something along the lines of “so how do you feel about being in a queer relationship?”
He didn’t answer and basically separated himself from the party for the rest of the night.
Not sure if it was the word itself, but he’s closed himself off these past couple days, doesn’t want to talk about the dinner party, and has been less comfortable with me since then.
I’m so proud of him, and all that he’s done to prove how comfortable he is to be with me, but this has me stuck and I feel as if it is hurting our relationship. It’s only a word…but it’s affected him.
He told his family and friends about us and absolutely everyone was supportive. Could not have gone better in my mind and he was blown away that besides the few “when did you turn gay?” questions he didn’t get alot of questioning.
I feel like I’m only getting 50% of him these past few days and I want to try to talk to him about it but I continuously get shut down when I try to bring it up. I don’t want to push it, but I know we need to talk about it.
How do I do this?…..
Any advice y’all?….
 
[**To the people who sent me kind words and advice**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r68nyg/to_the_people_who_sent_me_kind_words_and_advice/) - 1 December 2021
Thank you
We’re in a reeeally good spot right now ❤️
Hope the favor is returned and y’all get the advice you need when searching
 
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,271 | "2022-12-04T20:16:37" | OOP's straight best friend kisses him then ghosts him | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zckayh/oops_straight_best_friend_kisses_him_then_ghosts/ | false | false | [
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zckqtm | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-04T20:32:44" | OOP's girlfriend says no to his proposal. He rethinks his entire relationship. | CONCLUDED | samalise09 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zckqtm/oops_girlfriend_says_no_to_his_proposal_he/ | false | false | [
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zcp533 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-04T23:12:47" | TRIGER WARNING! I plan to quit bc of my new female Manager, who stands unter a amount of stress | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcp533/triger_warning_i_plan_to_quit_bc_of_my_new_female/ | false | false | [
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zcr69b | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T00:31:19" | The cat inside the storage room | CONCLUDED | HaplessReader1988 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcr69b/the_cat_inside_the_storage_room/ | false | false | [
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zcriyt | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/pinkassheart in r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk**
mood spoilers: >!Happy antidote to a rough week!<
---
&nbsp;
[**The cat inside the storage room**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk/comments/z4zkxf/the_cat_inside_the_storage_room/) - November 25, 2022 (day after Thanksgiving)
Working at an exterior hotel means we see a lot of animals hanging around. We get the occasional deer wandering around at night and very rarely do we see raccoons. We also have a couple of cats that hang around the property as well. Very recently ( 2 weeks ago ), one of the cats let me pet her and ever since then she's been following me and my coworker around. We started feeding the cat and she's usually perched up by the window so she's able to look at us throughout our shifts.
We recently hired a new front desk clerk and today was her first shift alone. I came in almost an hour ago and asked if the cat was around and she proceeded to tell me that she saw one of the owners open the storage room by the lobby, saw the cat walk in, and then saw the owner close the door. The cat was left inside. I saw red immediately. I asked her why she didn't tell anyone so we could get the cat out and she didn't really have an answer. The cat is for sure there because she saw her through the window (the storage room is an empty apartment).
I find my coworker eventually and I ask if he's able to pick the lock because none of us have keys and he says he's unable to pick that specific lock and now I'm even more upset. I'm also concerned that it might get hot in there for the cat. Idk how long she's been locked in there but she probably hasn't had food or water today and I'm anxious and idk what to do. I'm just mad that the new girl didn't tell any of the owners that there's a cat stuck in there. I might pick the lock honestly.
&nbsp;
[**the cat inside the storage room (UPDATE)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk/comments/z5t5wu/the_cat_inside_the_storage_room_update/) - November 26, 2022
I mentioned in a comment from my last post that my manager possibly had a key to the storage room the cat, Owen, was locked in and she unfortunately didn't have one but told me she would call my bosses SIL, who did have a key, to come and let Owen out.
Earlier today my coworker called me saying that they did indeed open the storage room but that my manager didn't think she had seen Owen run out because they were checking to see if she had made a mess overnight and didn't see her run out. So my coworker was looking for her all over the hotel and no sign. I told her Owen was probably still in the storage room then because if my manager didn't see her run out and my coworker couldn't find her then that was the only possibility. We hung up and then I went to go nap before work. As I was dozing off my coworker called me again to let me know Owen was still in the storage room!!! She heard her meowing so she was having our other coworker break in lol. She got out all safe and sound. When I came in for my shift and hour ago I fed her some food I brought and kept extra for the next couple of days.
I was so concerned all night and all of today but she's back!! I'll include some pictures in this post as well. Thank you to everyone for reassuring me last night.
https://imgur.com/gallery/eV5kBRY
&nbsp;
**In the comments, OOP reports Owen is now wearing a collar with a bell, and a visit to the vet is in the works. That's primo Jorts Merch in that cat tax. **
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
(Edited to remove "trigger/none" after a commenter pointed out it seems to make light of the need for trigger warnings.) | 2,070 | "2022-12-05T00:45:09" | The cat inside the storage room | CONCLUDED | HaplessReader1988 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcriyt/the_cat_inside_the_storage_room/ | false | false | [
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zcrqgb | I AM NOT OP. This is a repost sub.
[The original](https://www.reddit.com/r/hatemyjob/comments/te6kol/i_work_for_a_bad_doctor_and_its_making_me_hate_my/) was posted in r/hatemyjob on March 14, 2022
[The update](https://www.reddit.com/r/hatemyjob/comments/tr07pq/update_post_regarding_i_work_for_a_bad_doctor_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) was posted 15 days later
—
**I work for a bad doctor and it's making me hate my job.**
This is just a rant, sorry for how lengthy it gets.
So back in October of 2021, I joined the office of a dermatologist as their secretary. I handle scheduling, cleaning, some prep-work, faxing, calling, etc etc. Honestly my job isn't simple but it's not overly complex. It's not what I want to do for my entire life and I'm working here to save up money for my college tuition.
What's tough about working here, is how incredibly crazy the doctor is and how everyone just seems to think it's normal.
He's an older guy, visibly and while there's nothing wrong with an older person but, it's clear that his age is starting to affect his memory and thinking. There's small problems like lapses in memory, he'll put down a patient's chart and walk away and blame ME for losing it/blame me for not handing them the chart. There's also times where he straight up repeats what he says multiple times cause he doesn't understand what's going on.
Then there's moments where he forgets the area of operation. I've seen him ask a patient five or six times about her problem area and he repeated the exact same thing after getting his answer. And I know some of his patients are loyal and have been seeing him for 20-30 years, but how can you feel safe knowing your dermatologist is losing his memory?
When asked about his retirement, he tells people he just doesn't want to. And that's fine, some people really love their job. But I think for his mental state, he should. His wife comes in daily since she handles the finances and we talk about how he used to have so many more patients come in pre-pandemic and how this whole \~thing\~ ruined him and frankly, I think he's ruining himself. I think the whole setup plus his deteriorating mental state will just make him retire even if he doesn't want to. And I'm sick of how his wife encourages him to constantly working as if she doesn't see him forgetting things. It's getting sad and kind of dangerous.
I don't want an innocent patient to come in and be hurt by an old man who can't remember where to operate.
end of rant, thank you.
TLDR: I work for a dermatologist who I think is losing his memory and I hate my job.
—-
**Update post regarding: I work for a bad doctor and it's making me hate my job**
Last thursday, on the 24th, I was fired from the doctor's office in the middle of my shift. The week before, I had worked alone without the office manager who usually handles things like shipping out specimens and lab work.
During my time alone, there was confusion between the doctor's wife, who doesn't know how to do things around the office, and the doctor, who doesn't know the protocol for these things. They told me to make sure the specimens gets picked up during office hours but the courier never came during office hours.
The office manager knows the couriers never come during office hours but the doctor and his wife doesn't. The office manager would usually tape the specimens to the door so when the couriers came, they can pick it up and go with ease.
I didn't do this because I was told from the doctor's wife that it's "unattractive" to the building manager. Regardless, when I spoke up about this at the meeting when they let me go, they had explained "(Doctor's wife) doesn't know what she's doing but you should."
I'm explaining this because this is the reason I was let go from the doctor's office. While I am upset because of plans I had made that I now need to cancel, I am happy that I'm free of that place. I've registered for classes at my college and will be starting them in June.
I've spoke to my therapist and family about this whole thing. My family recommended sending friends and family after the doctor's office to review bomb them for some racist comments they had made towards patients and me during my stay but, I don't think that'll make me happy in the long run.
A lot of you had advised to me to report the doctor since he's putting a lot of people's health at risk and I will. I think regardless of what happened to me, people deserve a doctor that isn't going to hurt someone one day.
Anyways, thanks for letting me rant. I appreciate it.
________
I am not OP! This is a repost! | 3,207 | "2022-12-05T00:53:17" | OOP works for a bad doctor who’s losing his memory. It’s making OOP hate their job. | INCONCLUSIVE | BarriBlue | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcrqgb/oop_works_for_a_bad_doctor_whos_losing_his_memory/ | false | false | [
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zcstaz | **I am not the OP. That is u/biscuitsandbutters. Originally posted on r/relationship_advice.**
Trigger warning: >!infidelity!<
Mood spoiler: >!infuriating and sad!<
&nbsp;
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yzs28g/i_27f_made_a_stupid_joke_to_my_husband_30m_and_he/) *posted on November 20, 2022*
**I (27f) made a stupid joke to my husband (30m) and he stormed off. How do I fix this?**
Hey Reddit! I’m an Instagram snooper so this is my first time here! I honestly never expected to post here because my husband (30m) and I (27f) have a great relationship. Of course I can’t say we haven’t had our occasional bumps but it’s honestly a dream come true all the way through. Our wedding was April 2021 and we both cried like babies that day, and since then the sailing has been smoother than soap.
This afternoon, me and him came home after a little lunch outing with our newly-engaged friends Kai and Marie. It went great but was like just another outing, nothing special, though we got some bomb pasta back home which I’m currently shoveling into my gob since it’s too chilly for ice cream. We live in a super tiny apartment and so he showered first while I got the leftovers into the fridge and stuff.
I went in after him, finished my shower and put some lotion on my palm. I accidentally squeezed too much and dabbed some of it away. After I rubbed it on my face I still had some of the leftover on my finger and I did exactly what any perfectly sane person would do: on my thumb, I whipped up a little smiley face and some spiky hair to create Lotion Man. I came out of the bathroom, giggling about it, and said something along the lines of “Hey, look, it’s Lotion Man.”
He didn’t really react, he just looked at my hand and blinked at me. I honestly was just goofing around and started making a silly voice and saying some random shit sprinkled with some inside jokes. I was blabbing for about a minute before he just… up and left. I was of course completely oblivious as he grabbed some of his shit and I just was smiling and asking where he was going in kind of a playful way. He has a huge truck and we’d just returned from a trip so he has enough stuff to last him weeks, so it didn’t really dawn on me that he was LEAVING leaving until he drove away. I honestly feel like Booboo the Fool for making such a stupid joke and then letting him leave just like that.
I texted him a few times and he’s just said that he’s “thinking about things” and that he’s at his brother Tyler’s place. I’ve been texting him nonstop but he hasn’t been responding or even reading any of it. He also sleeps really early so I doubt I can get in contact with him any time soon. His brother isn’t responsive either so I’m just leaving my phone on the nightstand and holding my breath. I don’t think it’s really dawned on me yet. I stared blankly at the door for like ten minutes before I got off my ass and actually tried contacting him. I’ve been with this man for YEARS and I’m always cracking cheesy jokes. I feel stupid and like shit for making Lotion Man and continuing after no response instead of just shutting up and accepting that I’m unfunny.
At the same time I’m just confused. He’s never been at this point even in our rougher patches, the worst we’ve done is just take breaks from sex or just talk to one another a little less. (Wasn’t planning on getting into my sex life but honestly I’m just rambling at this point.) I’m all for giving him space but I can’t say I’m not hurt he’s just leaving. And the process of divorce is just so… ughh I don’t even want to think about this anymore.
Was making Lotion Man as big of a mistake as I think it was? Any advice on getting him back home?? Thanks Reddit. Also any cute subreddit suggestions would be appreciated since it’s my first time on Reddit and I want to distract myself.
&nbsp;
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z4kbgl/update_i_27f_made_a_stupid_joke_to_my_husband_30m/) *posted on November 25, 2022*
**[UPDATE] I (27f) made a stupid joke to my husband (30m) and he stormed off. How do I fix this?**
Hey Reddit, again. I posted here earlier about how my husband left after I told him a dumb joke. You can find it here.
I followed the advice I got and kept my distance. You all had me really pondering about how much of my relationship was the butterflies and kittens I thought it was. I still firmly believe that everything was absolutely perfect before it happened, but oh well, I have my opinions.
So you guys were right about some things and wrong about some things. For those of you saying that the lotion thing had nothing to do with it, you were… kinda wrong. But for the people who said something happened during the lunch outing, you were right on the money.
My husband came back the other day. He apologized and said he was ready to talk to me. I obliged. I tried my best not to be all over him but quite frankly I missed this man so damn much, he’s my husband after all. He told me the following. I mentioned previously that we went out with our two newlywed friends Kai (30m) and Marie (29f). We did have some quality time with all four of us, but often one or more people were missing from the table, considering it was a fusion buffet and the food was amazing.
Apparently, at some point, my husband and Marie grabbed some food together. Or maybe before we left, since I know I was talking to just Kai for a while before they appeared and we got to the car. Whatever it was, they were alone together.
Marie, the fiancée, told my husband that when Kai proposed, she realized she was in love with him (my husband) though she accepted Kai’s proposal and tried to put her feelings to rest by organizing a lunch out. Though apparently she was “charmed” or some bullshit because she asked him to run away with her or something. I don’t know but she wanted him to leave me and be with her. Now, Marie is honestly gorgeous, which I hate to say because I’m so pissed off with her. She’s the typical blonde blue-eyed skinny pageant girl who looks kind of like Emma Watson. I’m not.
My husband gently turned her down and wished her all the best. But he says he had her on her mind for a while (we were all college friends, so we know one another very well) and when I showed him Lotion Man, it all essentially exploded inside him. I had a hair towel and some shitty old clothes on and I was giggling over a stupid thing and apparently my “immaturity” ticked him off over however the hell Marie was. He got sudden cold feet about our relationship and left for his brother’s place. He eventually came back and said he “loved me all over again.” I was frozen in shock and asked some questions before asking him to sleep on the couch at least for that night. He did and it didn’t really help me sleep. I can’t believe it, honestly, that he was considering shitting away all of our relationship for a crush. The more I think about it the less I can look him in the eye. We went to Thanksgiving lunch together with some of his family + some close friends and we spent last night together so I think he thinks he’s in the clear. I can’t lie and say I’m not considering just forgiving and forgetting though.
He comes home from work about six hours from now and I don’t know what to do next. I have off today (I’m a teacher) and so I’m considering either
A) Contacting Kai and telling him about what his fiancée is up to (My husband begged me not to as Marie was apparently making a “spontaneous” mistake)
B) Contacting Marie and chewing her out for trying to fuck up my relationship OR having a civil conversation (less tempting but it’s whatever)
C) Contacting Tyler (his brother) and asking if he left the house at some point (Tyler’s house is very close to Marie’s place and I’m very worried about that) though I doubt I’ll get anything out of him
D) All of the above.
Any advice (or well wishes because I’m not in a great place right now) would be appreciated. If I do end up updating it’ll probably be on my profile since I understand this subreddit has a one update policy + I don’t want to update without a definite outlook on the future. I think I’ve mentioned before that legal stuff scares the shit out of me so divorce will be tough but it seems likely. I wish I could just forget it all. Thanks Reddit.
TLDR: Husband abruptly left after I made a “Lotion Man” with my finger. Turns out a friend asked him out and he got cold feet about our relationship after seeing my “immaturity”. Not sure what to do next.
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[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/user/biscuitsandbutters/comments/z68w36/final_update_i_27f_made_a_stupid_joke_to_my/) *posted on November 27, 2022*
**[FINAL UPDATE] I (27f) made a stupid joke to my husband (30m) and he stormed off. How do I fix this?**
Hey Reddit! First of all I’d like to thank you SO much for the overwhelming support and sweet messages. I honestly was not expecting this, a lot of you guys also took the time to message me and I had a lot of great conversations with fellow Redditors. I’m honestly so flattered by how freaking sweet so many of you guys are. I wish I could have replied to every single one of your comments, I up-voted every one of them though! I think my post got deleted. Some of you asked for pictures of Lotion Man yet I can't quite find the feature to upload photos on here, but I will as soon as I can!
A lot of you had some really interesting theories LOL. And surprisingly, most of them were somewhat right. Majority ruled that I should do all three (confront Kai, Marie, husband AND Tyler, not necessarily in that order) and so I had to get smart with it since a lot of you guys told me that any one of them could twist the story had they known there was outside influence.
Before I begin, yes, the full story is wacky and honestly doesn't make that much sense. I'm honestly just piecing it together via context clues and I do have some questions left unanswered. Plus nobody who is relaying this story is in a good headspace and to you, it might just seem like a ton of garbled nonsense. I'm just hoping it gets across since I know a lot of people wanted closure on this.
When my husband came home we had a conversation. He essentially said the same story and he told me he was open to my marriage counselling suggestion. I gave him a big hug and did the laundry (usually we split the laundry + I had been giving him a light cold shoulder) so I indirectly “forgave” him, in his eyes at least. We haven’t really set boundaries with our phones, like we know each other’s passwords and everything, but he would definitely get suspicious if I was just scrolling around on it. So instead I agreed to meet up with Kai first; a lot of you guys were concerned that he would tell Marie and everything would implode, but Kai is a big gym nut and I’ve been wanting to go recently so I set it as casually as possible using it as an excuse. He agreed.
The next morning, I met with Kai. I sat down with him and told him all I know. Yes, I cried like a baby. Originally Kai was rigid and tried to (kindly) poke holes in what I was saying with a few “gotcha” questions before he, too, broke down. Marie didn’t tell him a word. That was a big red flag on its own.
I then went to Marie with Kai. A few Redditors told me to be as discreet as possible and so, as a suggestion said, I just blurted to her that "I know everything." She played dumb at first and then eventually broke.
You all were right. Marie "trying to settle her crush" was a bullshit story. My husband was the one who approached her. She told me that he asked her if before she "sealed" it with Kai if she wanted to have a night with him and another woman. Here's the kicker -- Marie said yes.
But wait, I hate to say it, but that's not all. Apparently Marie has been cheating on Kai for a while, with men and women. And my husband has also been cheating frequently -- they covered for each other, and occasionally met up. At the last moment, she declined because she wanted to be "loyal" to Kai now that they were engaged, (as if she wasn't cheating for the majority of the relationship) and he (husband) got all pissed off for a while before saying he's just "locked in his apartment now." Cue me showing him Lotion Man. He snaps and gets out of there.
Kai and Marie are both arguing, in tears, and red at the face. I told them sorry that I butted into their relationship, and that I'll handle my husband myself.
I found Tyler before the sun set. He told me yes, his brother stopped by, but only around ~11pm. He left at around 8. So those three hours went fuck all. Tyler told me that he was angry and didn't tell him anything. I then tell him some context (just the Lotion Man) and he says that maybe he was driving around for a while. It doesn't sound like my husband to drive as relief, but I'm willing to look into it, since the future was already looking pretty fucking bleak.
I went home. I "Googled" something on my husband's phone. Instead, I was just checking if any of them had contacted him. Nothing, thankfully. I would've gone into more depth but that would have to wait. Instead, I tried to keep him busy for the duration of the day. Remember how I said he sleeps really early? Well, that worked in my favor.
Took his phone that night while he was snoring his ass off. Ran into a million dead ends. I knew I was missing something, but I just couldn’t find it. Finally, I opened his hidden photos. Kaboom! His story explodes to pieces.
What did I find? Nudes. Nudes. More nudes. Even more nudes. All of one girl. Not me, shocker. But not Marie either. I don't recognize her. Let's call her Allison, considering Allison was my second-grade best friend who was actually a snake (They're not the same person! Just so I can call her something when I refer to her in the story because I don't actually know her name.) She's absolutely gorgeous. Red hair, hourglass figure, you name it.
I'm obviously broken. I traced her back to a contact. I feel sick. There it is, an affair. He's been contacting her since February, days before I surprised him with a Valentines thing that I had been using up my paychecks for and thinking I was the luckiest woman alive. It fucking sucks. I can't even read more. But I tough through it. Then, I hit it. November 3rd, two days after the last nude. She's pissed off. She found out he was married all along. She was "in love with him". I would feel bad for her, but she didn’t even bother trying to contact me out of “love.”
Ergo, hubby has a genius idea. He told Allison that he’ll bring his “wife” over in a hotel to show that his wife doesn’t care about the affair. Sound familiar?
So I assume when Marie canceled, there was nothing he could do. He became whiny and begged her to come. He told Allison that there was an “inconvenience” and they’d meet up another day. Then the Lotion Man. He got pissed off at me and left. I don’t know what he did after that, but whatever it was, he wasn’t with either of them. Then he went to Tyler’s place, slept it off, and came back afterward.
I’ll spare you the details. But I couldn’t even pretend to like him anymore after I found that out. I brought Kai and Marie over the next morning. He started fucking blubbering and tried to deny it all before eventually admitting he was into redheads (Marie is actually strawberry blonde, Allison is very ginger) and it was the one “desire” of his I couldn’t fulfill. Even I could see past his bullshit saying that he loved only me and that being with Allison/Marie only made him love me more. I just said fuck it and packed my stuff. He got more desperate but even I, the girl who was honestly infatuated with him, knew it was over. He technically owns the apartment so I had to leave.
Now, I'm staying with Kai. He's as hurt as I am. I feel for him too, his wife was his world. We were hugging and crying for a while, ranting about God knows what, just trying to get ourselves together TBH. He tried to lighten the mood by making lunch and it was really nice, he's a wonderful cook. I showed him the other two posts and he got a kick out of some of your comments, haha.
As far as I know, my soon-to-be-ex husband is with Marie for now. I don't care about either of them, and honestly, it's kind of therapeutic just having some kind of closure and not walking on eggshells like I have been for the past few days. Kai and I are going to the gym tomorrow to do some relaxing yoga and hopefully figure out what to do next -- we've both taken off from work. I'm sorting out my finances and hopefully I should get the ball rolling to finally (legally) split from my husband and be able to call him my ex.
I'm still so, so frazzled. I have at least half a dozen pictures of him and me on my desk and our wedding picture is my lockscreen on pretty much all of my devices. I know my students will notice his sudden disappearance from my life, and I'll have to tell them that the guy I've been raving about for the past forever is divorcing me. I'll have to tell all my family and friends. Kai is my rock in this whole thing and we'll eventually have to part ways, which hurts me because he's honestly my #1 support system in all of this. Living arrangements, actual divorce costs, law stuff (yuck), therapy... sigh. I still have a lot to go through. I can't believe I thought the relationship was perfect, it's really therapeutic to just write this all down.
But Reddit, thank you so much. I've already talked about how much support I received, but honestly, some of your guys' honesty and compliments have, for lack of better emphasis, honestly saved my life. I would have been with cheating scum and Kai would have been, too. This place is so awesome and there's so much to be seen here, so many nice people checking in on me and wanting to keep up with my story. I'll be coming back for more advice someday, though just know I've seen all (yes, all!) of your sweet words, and I'll continue lurking around for a long time. But this should be my final update for now.
Thank you again Reddit, from me (and Kai)!
TLDR: Husband left me alone after I told him a stupid joke. He blames it on needing to “think about things” after our mutual friend Marie asks him out. Turns out he was the one who asked Marie out… for a threesome. He has an affair partner, Allison, who fell in love with him and found out he’s married, and he wanted Marie to pose as me to show that “his wife is cool with it” so he can keep Allison. Marie accepts but then declines at the last moment, pissing him off. He has a redhead fetish he never bothered telling me about and therefore cheats to fulfill it. I’m looking into divorce and staying with Marie’s (ex) fiancé, Kai. Yes, I don't understand it much either, and I don't know how this all went on under my nose.
Shorter TLDR: Lotion Man and Reddit saved me from a piece of shit husband. :-)
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**Reminder - I am not the OP**
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*Edit: OOP tried to comment in this thread, but her comment has unfortunately been removed by BORU's spam filter. So I'll add it in here. In addition - lotion man!*
>Whoa whoa whoa, holy shit! I wondered why my inbox was exploding with notifications!! Thank you all for the well wishes and hello Reddit again! I've been scrolling for a while now and wow I'm so grateful that so many people are resonating with everything I've said. There are a lot of things I have to clear up so here goes...
>About now -- Not much has changed, it's only been a little over a week since my final update. My (ex) husband and I have briefly spoken about our impending divorce but other than that nothing much. Still healing, still working, still hurting. Call me in a years' time and I might have something better for you, hahaAbout Allison (other affair girl) -- No success in contacting her, though some of your suggestions have motivated me to work harder.
>About Kai and me -- I know a lot of you are talking about this so I'd rather get it out now rather than skirt around it! Kai and I are healing together as friends, and I doubt we'd make an ideal match. Kai wants independent couple life and I'm hoping to have kids. He's expressed that he has a very very low libido (a big reason why he blames the whole situation on himself) while I have a high one. Besides we're basically brother and sister, but thank you for thinking about my options lol. Not quite ready to date yet and probably won't be for a while!
>"Is this story fake?" -- YEP! You caught me! Haha, kidding, I wish it was. No curses to you if you think it is though, it's not like you can trust everything on the internet, and I doubt I can change your mind. But unfortunately, yes, I am living in this reality and no amount of rude messages are going to stop that. Also big big apology on one note; Kai and Marie were engaged, NOT married! I must've slipped up quite a few times when writing that anyway, I didn't really have the time or energy to proofread any one of those.
>About my writing style -- For those of you complaining about my writing style, I've been teaching for years now and I'm just kind of automatically writing in this super peppy vibrant voice regardless of what I'm writing about. I've had to tell students grim truths about flunking the class and test score averages that make me look like I do nothing but sit around all day instead of teaching. So a lot of my statements kind of come off as tone-deaf like "Oh! He cheated on me, tee-hee!" even though I really am hurting. Hope that clears up some things.
>About family, friends, students, etc. -- My family is of course on my side and pretty much all of my friends are with me, too, even our mutual ones (the majority of them). Yes, I have broken the news to my students, and let me tell you that they've been helpful, too! I've scrubbed my desk of all memory of him, next up is my mind!
>About Lotion Man tax -- I tried to recreate him as best I could. I'll be posting him on my profile momentarily! I'll link it here when I post it. EDIT: [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/user/biscuitsandbutters/comments/zdqu1u/lotion_man/) it is!
>Let me know if I missed anything! There are so many sweet comments here and I have yet to reach all my new message requests, I wish I could respond to you all but I'm finding myself super busy nowadays and I'll hopefully be able to spot some of you over the weekend. I'm loving all these jokes and stuff, thank you Reddit so much for lighting up some of my darkest days. :-) | 14,171 | "2022-12-05T01:35:37" | OOP made a stupid joke to her husband and he stormed off. But there's more to it than it seems at first. | CONCLUDED | Shelly_895 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcstaz/oop_made_a_stupid_joke_to_her_husband_and_he/ | false | false | [
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zcwg9j | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Independent\_Foot8485](https://www.reddit.com/user/Independent_Foot8485/). He posted in r/AITA. I fixed a few spelling errors for readability.
**Trigger Warning:** >!Child abandonment!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Mostly ok!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ynn0jd/aita_for_uninviting_my_mother_to_my_wedding_after/)**: November 6, 2022**
My fiancée (29f) and me (34m) are getting married in two weeks after 13 years of friendship and four years of dating. She's fantastic and our relationship has been so good for the both of us. Planning the wedding has been uncomplicated and fun. We included my mother a lot, for example, my fiancee took her dress shopping.
The reason is, that my fiancee has always had a good relationship with my parents, and it grew much closer over the past year, after her mother died. They kind of see her as another child and I know that fiancee appreciates that immensely. As for my fiancee's father, she went NC when she was 15, even before he hadn't played an important role in her life. His behavior was one cause in her having depression and low self-esteem, it took her years to heal. She's happy with the way things are now, I never met the man, so neither of us considered inviting him to the wedding.
My mother however won't understand why we won't invite him. Mum is a retired psychologist. She's had some experience with children-parent reunification and she thinks my fiancée needs that, even more after fiancee's mom's death. Fiancee and me both have shut my mum down plenty of times. We both made it clear, that this man was not to know anything about my fiancée's life nor would be welcome anywhere near the wedding. For a while, my mum shut up. My mum doesn't know fiancee's father.
The other night we had dinner with my family. My mum had an announcement. Apparently she looked my fiancees father up and went to see him. Then she invited him to our wedding. She seemed so pleased. My family was appalled and angry, they all know what has happened. My fiancee somehow remained calm and told mum how inappropriate that was, how mum hurt my fiancée terribly by stepping over the one boundary she ever had. How fiancee had lost all her trust in mum after this. I then uninvited my mom and we left. Fiancee only broke down at home.
My mother's also been inconsolable since and called me dozens of times, but I haven't picked up yet. Fiancee feels unsafe to have the wedding if there was a chance that her father might show up. We might just cancel the whole thing. My father, who's not condoning any of my mother's actions, thinks I should talk to mum, hear her out. My siblings agree that uninviting her was too drastic. I just see the distress my mother had caused my fiancee and get angry all over again. So AITA/AWTA for sticking to our decision?
Edit: this is a throwaway account obviously
Edit 2: this really blew up, didn't it. Thank you all for your advice and perspective. It's truly heartbreaking how many of you have estranged relatives and can relate to this. I'm sorry!
I met my dad earlier. He's really sorry for what my mom did and how he'd pushed me to listen to her at first. I told him that my fiancee was the person hurt in this, that it was really up to her. Dad did offer to cover additional costs we might have now. Both siblings called individually to apologize to fiancee as well. Idk what to make of it just now, it's a good start I think. Haven't talked to mum though.
Also, my fiancée's bil had a good idea regarding the wedding, we might do it earlier. That way we'd at least keep the venue. We're still figuring details out, but it might actually work.
Edit 3: thank you all so much for the comments and advice. There is a lot going on right now, we'll post an update when things settle. Fiancée sends her thanks!
**Relavent Comments:**
*Someone says they agree what the Mom did was awful, but reddit moves to NC too quickly:*
"Thank you for your vote. My fiancee said that her family was already torn apart by her father's actions, there shouldn't be a second one. We both hope to find a good way forward. As a first step, I'm meeting my father later tonight, we will see how it goes."
*One commenter asks what Mom was expecting in all of this:*
"I suppose she expected gratitude and maybe that having a second parent would help fiancée grieve her mom better. She often thinks she knows what's best for her children. She however never trampled boundaries to this extent before. Until now it's been limited to advice and recommendations. So I don't know how to deal with all of it."
*People are shocked that as a psychologist OOP's mom tried to pull a stunt like this near a big emotional event:*
"She specialized in child psychology. My fiancée has said once that maybe my mother doesn't realize how much situations might change with age. Fiancée said, she'd been open to reconciliation when she was younger but that it's too late now. Still no excuse imo"
*In response to that, someone compliments the fiancée and shares a bit about their own life:*
"She is extra extra awesome. She's always this reflective, maybe due to all the therapy she did. I'm sorry that you can relate to her experience, nobody should be able to."
*One more comment that sums it up:*
"Fiancée believes that her father doesn't deserve to know about her life since he contributed nothing to her well-being. Him now knowing things about her is one of the biggest worries she has. She said she feel violated and exposed. I don't think I can understand her feelings, all I know is that she's in a lot of pain.
As others suggested, I might bring up the possibility of hiring security. I am tempted to send the invoice to my mom though.
Rescheduling and relocating were our first instincts. Which both sucks as the date and venue (the restaurant of my fiancée's bil) both carry meaning. I worry that the whole wedding, no matter how we proceed, with be tainted by my mother's actions.
And yes, I'm worried about her father coming back too. He's a very sickly old man apparently, so I wonder if he might look for a chance to set things right before it's too late, and that he might see this as his opening. The more I think about it, the more angry I get"
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z6siw3/aita_for_uninviting_my_mother_to_my_wedding_after/)**: November 28, 2022**
This is the update repost to my first post, since a bunch of people asked for one. First, thanks for all the helpful comments, insights, and awards. We were very overwhelmed and grateful. And thanks to the mods for helping with this update. I've never had a post get this much attention and didn't know how to do this.
The biggest thing is, we are married. In the end, my wife’s sister and BIL saved the day. Originally, the wedding was on the 18th at BIL’s restaurant, that was the date and place where we went from friends to dating five years ago. On the day of the OP, wife went to see her sister, they suggested having the wedding a week earlier, on the 11th. It felt like the best option, BIL was willing to do the work, because wife is like a sister to him. His team and him got a generous tip from my dad.
Wife, SIL, BIL and I told all the guests save my family of the date change. Wife didn’t want to tell people why. Amazingly, everyone made it work except for three people. My family was told the morning of the wedding, just to make sure wife’s father would not have time to come to the wedding, as he lives 15 hours away from us. My family didn’t complain because they knew that they messed up. It was all a bit stressful, but my wife felt like a spy on a mission and had fun with it. I was glad to see her get excited again. And there was no sign of her father at the wedding, so I guess mom finally listened.
In the week before the wedding, we met my family to talk several times. These were long long talks. Why my mom did it? She just thought she knew better. No excuse other than arrogance. They all apologized. My wife said, one family torn apart by her father’s actions was enough. She insisted that they were invited. So that was that. However, we made it clear, that contact with her father would be punished much harder in the future, especially when it comes to children. It’s forgiven but not forgotten, I guess.
As to what wife’s father found out from my mom, apparently not much. He knew a bunch already, from my wife’s eldest brother. Mom filled in gaps. That brother is the only of my wife’s siblings that was still in touch with their father. Brother and wife were on thin ice before that already for many but different reasons. Yes, we let that brother attend the wedding, mostly because we didn’t want more drama. But we’ll tackle that when wife feels ready to do so. We did have a honeymoon to get to first.
All in all, I think we are fine. Wife is very hurt still, more so by her brother’s actions now. With my family, we’ll work on it. The imminent threat is dealt with, now we start fixing the damage. Through it all, my wife was amazingly calm and reflected. It made me much more grateful that I get to be with her.
**Wishing OOP and his wife a wonderful marriage and future together!**
**Edit: About how they met and ages:**
We met in scouts, more specifically when a friend of hers started dating a guy from my group. We (a group of around 15 people) became friends and still hang out today. | 5,700 | "2022-12-05T04:09:48" | AITA for uninviting my mother to my wedding after she invited FIL? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcwg9j/aita_for_uninviting_my_mother_to_my_wedding_after/ | false | false | [
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zcxkbl | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Barkleyslakjssrtqwe](https://www.reddit.com/user/Barkleyslakjssrtqwe/). They posted on r/AITA and put their update in the same post. I fixed a few spelling and grammatical errors for readability.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Teenagers gonna teenage!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z75lrp/aita_for_not_allowing_my_cousins_step_child_in/)**: November 28, 2022.**
My (M 30s) family grew up taking a big family Thanksgiving picture that is used for Christmas cards. I kept the tradition going with my family. We host thanksgiving every year and its always around 20+ people. Most family we hang out with are from my wife's side since mine are pretty scattered around.
The past pictures were fine but some tended to wear pajamas type outfits (mostly pj pants and a t-shirt) to Thanksgiving. No big deal to me but past picture was mixed with mostly nicely dressed people and then a random few in pajamas. This year I texted each family and asked them to have a nice but casual outfit for the picture but feel free to dress however they want the rest of the day. I even said jeans and a nice shirt is okay for the picture.
So day of Thanksgiving. My wife's cousin Sarah's family arrived that included 3 step children. 2 dressed in pajamas but had a change of clothes. Sarah goes up to me and says please don't be mad. A second later, the oldest Sam (NB 14/15) came dress in a full goth outfit, chains, black makeup, and spiked dyed hair. Normally, they dress slightly goth...like they prefer black but nothing crazy. Never before have they even gone close to this 'hardcore'. They said something like, 'hope you like the outfit, I'm wearing this for the picture.' I forgot what I said but it was barely anything. Probably a grunt or uh huh. I say to Sarah, 'they can't wear that in the picture.'
I don't say anything else, my wife gives me the look but then walks away. I get back to cooking for the 20+ people. Picture time comes and we take the group photo w/ Sam included. Then I tell Sam I would like a few pictures without them in it. They try to get argumentative and I said along the lines of, 'you knew I asked people to dress nicely just for a group photo. You purposely dressed like this to spite me and I have no idea why.' It was awkward but Sarah told Sam to step aside and we took the photo.
Day goes on fine and I know people probably talked. Today I saw some facebook posts mentioning the situation and its annoying me. I stand by my decision and not sure if I'll respond privately or not.
So AITA for kicking Sam out of the family photo because of the way they dressed?
**First Edit:**
I never had a problem with Sam before. We chat about stuff every family gathering and they typically always helped me with cooking. I would've been fine with their typical goth outfits but they clearly went overboard with their outfit, hair, and makeup.
**Second Edit:**
This is their usual attire- [https://images.app.goo.gl/VowCxUTr6yaxbV7U7](https://images.app.goo.gl/VowCxUTr6yaxbV7U7)
This is what they wore at thanks giving (top right) -[https://images.app.goo.gl/Wa4KX5mxNEyR2spk8](https://images.app.goo.gl/Wa4KX5mxNEyR2spk8)
***Relevant comments:***
*Someone asks how OOP could possibly know Sam's usual style:*
"Its not their typical style as far as I've experienced. In all the times I met them (20+ gatherings) and pictures they had never once dressed like that. Even the next morning they wore their usual attire."
"Sam is very into social media and posts a lot of pictures. They don't dress like that. According to Sam's mom / wife's cousin they don't dress like that."
*Someone says that OOP was the only one upset:*
"Sorry should've clarified my wife was upset. She felt like Sam was wearing a 'costume' to purposefully ruin the photo. I felt the same way. Sams entire family has a goth style if that matters. It doesn't bother me but that outfit was way different than they have ever dressed."
*Someone says that OOP is shallow and only cares about Instagram:*
"My wife mails Christmas cards with letters to friends and family. We don't really use social media like that."
*The top comment is YTA, so the post is marked asshole. The comments were heavily mixed.*
**Final Update (Same post, later that day)**
My wife emailed all the pictures from Thanksgiving. Only sent the family photo with Sam to everyone and not the one excluding them. Sam was doing the air guitar and a funny face. Someone pointed out Sam was also flipping off the camera with their 'strumming hand.' One person in the email group requested the other family photo b/c Sam flipped off the camera. My wife sent it to everyone in the email.
Sam decided to call me instead of waiting for friendsgiving this weekend. They wanted to explain what happened. They thought it was funny I ask people to dress nice and wanted to play a prank on me and put it on . They took a part of their halloween outfit and modified it to be a full hardcore goth outfit with crazy hair and makeup.
They wanted to get a reaction out of me for a TikTok video before changing into their normal clothes for pictures. Sam hoped my wife or I would be really upset and make scene. Neither of us did even during the photo shoot. It was just slightly awkward so Sam decided not to put up the video. I did find out they used the costume to scare some of the younger kids 1-4 yrs old and did put those on TikTok. Sams mom made them take those down. We didn't see them b/c we don't have TikTok.
Sam arrived and I didn't say much b/c I was busy cooking and confused/annoyed. They decided to keep the outfit on until I said something. Sam did help me peeling potatoes and other stuff but I never mentioned the outfit. They thought it was a game of chicken at that point.
It got until a little before dinner and I pulled everyone together to start pictures. Sam was surprised b/c we had done pictures after dinner the last 2 yrs. They came up to ask how their outfit was and I just said fine (I didn't really remember this part). So they kept the joke going...Sam said they assumed there would be another group photo later.
Well we got to the group photo and Sam kept egging on the joke hoping to get some big reaction out of. After taking group photo with Sam included, I just told them to step out for a few picture. Sams mom also told them to step aside. They decided to not egg me on in front of everyone and jumped out of the picture.
Pictures happened, we ate dinner and the Sam changed and dressed as they normally do the next 2 days. They later realized there wasn't going to be another group photo. They felt awkward and just didn't bring it up the rest of the weekend. They decided not to use the videos for TikTok.
Sam apologized b/c they knew my wife was big into photo albums and put me in a weird spot. I accepted and told them I'm going to post everything on facebook later. Sam asked me not to b/c its really embarrassing. We are okay now and my wife doesn't care b/c we got the pictures with and without Sam. She will put both in the photo album.
***Relevant comments:***
*Someone still doesn't understand why it bothered OOP:*
"Okay, I'll explain why it bothers me now that I know Sam was trying to pull a prank/joke.
My wife wanted a family group photo that included all of her grandparents kids, grandkids, and great grandkids. It is likely the last time b/c the grandparents are dying and people flew in from out of the country. I've never seem her whole family together ever in 12 yrs.
I wanted to be thoughtful for my wife and asked everyone to dress nicely for 15 minutes. One person decided they would dress outrageously to play a prank/be funny. I knew they were up to something because it was way way over the top of anything they had ever worn or did. So instead of ignore it I simply took photos with them included and also without.
Knowing it was a prank that was done poorly by a teenager its fine. We have a picture that is funny with a kid dressed in a halloween costume playing air guitar as joke. But we also have one that can also be looked back equally as fondly. It a picture with the great-grandparents hold their great grandkids. The grandkids and their kids huddled around them. Many people prefer that picture."
*Someone says ultimately clothes shouldn't matter because the family is all together in the picture:*
"I'm okay with people dressing however they want. Sam typically dresses goth like 2 or 3 out of 10... they took it to a 9. It was clearly a joke or to be rebellious. If they always dressed like that I wouldn't have an issue."
"The picture with Sam in goth/kiss costume makes them the focus right away. It is so far out of style for them. Everyone who knows Sam will focus on them. Wonder why they are dressed so far out of the normal for Sam. Why they decided to play air guitar.
Anyone who doesn't know Sam will wonder why they are playing air guitar, making a funny face, and dressed in a goth/kiss costume with a bunch of other people.
Most importantly, my wife will wonder why Sam decided to do this on the one day we simply asked them to wear something nice. The one day the whole family was together and could have a picture of everyone being their genuine selves."
*Someone accuses OOP of not allowing people to express themselves:*
"I've allowed people to wear whatever they want for the past 8 yrs we hosted thanksgiving. PJs, goth clothing, whatever people wanted. Never a word and I didn't care. I ask this year we wear casual clothing 15 minutes for pictures. Each person can dress in their usual attire, goth emo, punk. I didn't care. I even said to wear whatever you want outside of picture time. Sam came in a literal halloween costume with Kiss style face-paint in. All for a prank TikTok video."
&#x200B;
**I'll be honest- I don't think OOP was an asshole in this situation. It's kind of baffling how many comments were accusing him of caring too much about photos and only wanting social media clout. Not everyone takes family photos to put on social media. There are still those of us who take them for memory's sake lol. That and apparently many commenters didn't read that OOP DID include Sam in photos.** | 8,658 | "2022-12-05T05:04:43" | AITA for not allowing my cousins step child in the family photo? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcxkbl/aita_for_not_allowing_my_cousins_step_child_in/ | false | false | [
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zcxz02 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/BenderUnitBen **in** r/AskGayMen **and** r/relationship_advice **,but OOP's account is no more so I'm using the post from** r/AskGayMen **where I found it**
trigger warnings: >!homophobia!<, >!self-harm!<, >!suicide!<
mood spoilers: >!happy ending!<
[Screw my life guys, my little bro is gay not out to me but I found out and our parents aren't handling it well what do I do?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGayMen/comments/njpyxe/screw_my_life_guys_my_little_bro_is_gay_not_out/) \- May 24 2021
I noticed a shift in my brothers personality at the start of this year and didn't think much of it. Then our parents asked me to start spending extra time with him, taking him on hikes and to play basket ball etc with me. No big deal we're not super close but do hang out occasionally, then they started asking me to comment on girls in front of him which seemed weird so I didn't do it. I noticed he didn't have his phone one day so I asked him if he forgot it and he told me he's being punished and not allowed to use it unless one of them watches him. I asked if he got caught looking at porn on it or something but he really just wanted me to drop it so I did. Later when I asked our parents about it they told me his best friend and him had gotten caught with pills which is why he's not allowed to see him anymore.
I had already started feeling weird about how under lock and key my brother seemed and honestly didn't know if I should believe them or not. Like I had offered him weed before and he said no so it just didn't seem like something he'd do. So I head to the Starbucks his best friend works at to see what he said/see if I needed to kick his ass over it and he told me a very different story.
He told me my brother was his boyfriend, that our parents caught them kissing and flipped out. Tossed him out and had made sure they couldn't see each other or even talk to each other, that he's been worried and trying anything or way he could to try to contact my brother but he hadn't heard anything back. He showed me some messages and pic's that confirm they are or were a couple. I thanked him for telling me and told him I'd do what I can to help him and my brother.
So now here I am trying to figure out the best course of how to help my brother. I don't want to do any more damage to him than what they have done so I'm nervous on if I should say something when he hasn't come out to me. I also have thought about letting him use my phone to contact his boyfriend or even getting my brother then getting his bf or taking him to him but I don't want to get him in worse trouble or be cut off from him if our parents were to find out. Whats the best way to handle this?
\---
**Update on same post**
\---
Wow I never expected to get this much attention or advice, thank you seriously to everyone I read everything even if I didn't reply. First to those that asked and didn't see me already answer, he's 16 I'm 25 and I live fully on my own. To those that suggested I talk to my parents, trust me I wanted and really wish to tell them off but right now that is not the best option. I'm currently the only person they let him go out alone with, so if I go off on them or tell them I know they will most likely cut me out completely isolating him which is not a good idea given how depressed he's been.
The other day I ran to Starbucks twice looking to catch his boyfriend, fortunately the second time he was there so I was able to have him write a note for my brother. I figured it be best to have something to lead into the conversation plus I wanted him to write his number down in case my brother doesn't know it off the top of his head to text him from my phone. I picked my brother up like normal and fought the urge to go off on my mom, I've never had the best relationship with my parents but I can honestly say I hate them now. The game plan was supposed to be going for a hike but I said lets get food instead cause I didn't want to hike, plus I figured he might get emotional and I honestly didn't want him near cliffs or hiking emotional exhausted. I told him I actually had saw his friend and he gave me a letter to give to him that it was in the glove box with my phone so he could text him if he wanted.
I thought he was going to rip the door off the glove box when he opened it. He read the letter and started crying so bad that I pulled over, he didn't understand why I would help him. Apparently our fucking awful parents had him convinced that I would beat the shit out of him if I knew, again I hate them. He cried more than I have ever seen another guy cry, I thought he'd call or text his boyfriend right away but he spent at least an hour sobbing. I just kept reassuring him that nothing is wrong with him, that he's not broken or damaged or something that can or needs to be fixed. I felt like a broken record but I think it helped or at least I hope so. After he calmed down I was able to talk to him the rest of the drive and dinner heck most of the night. I told our parents he'd crash at my place cause it got late when we grabbed food and got talking to two girls which immediately led to no fight or questions.
They haven't physically hurt him thank god cause if they had I'd probably be in jail right now, hell before it's all said and done I may very well end up in it cause I am really furious with how they have been treating him. When they found out they apparently trashed his room searching for anything "gay" anything rainbow or not masculine enough and destroyed anything found including a couple printed pics he had with his boyfriend. They deleted all the pictures off his phone and blocked his boyfriend on it which was pointless because apparently it's not just him using it in front of them but one of them literally sits next to him if he uses his phone or computer. The rest of the time they keep them locked up from him. They search his room once a week still in case he finds away to sneak something in, like prison style toss him room. The rest of the time they either don't talk to him or berate him/yell at him about how he needs to be cured/fixed. He cried a lot through our talking about all of this stuff including me asking the tough question that he didn't want to answer.
I asked about how depressed he has been, self harm and suicide the works guys and fuck I'll admit it I cried to. He has been self harming and thought about suicide, including on our hikes making me realize I'm never taking that kid anywhere high up again. I made him promise me that he won't self harm and that if he thinks about doing it to lie however he has to and call me. If anything happens to him cause of my parents I will kill them. We talked about options and what can be done, I agreed to help him meet up with his boyfriend whenever possible and get him out of that house as often as possible. Which he did talk to him in between us talking which made him cry more but smile too. I promised him I'll do anything I can to get him out of that house permanently, emancipation fight for custody whatever. He hugged me more that day and night then I think I've ever hugged anyone hell embarrassing to admit but he even slept in my bed he didn't want to be alone. He was able to see his boyfriend the next day before I had to bring him back home which fucking killed me a little inside.
I'm supposed to go over to help him with a project later today(Thursday) so we discussed that and I told him I have a few idea's that if I can pull one off I might be able to give him a spot to hide a phone cause I really want him to have one for an emergency. If I can make a spot I'll get a phone for him on my plan to keep stashed to contact me and his bf. I also called an attorney, soonest he can see me is Friday but hopefully he can help me work on getting him out of my parents house. In the mean time I already have another over night covered with camping, I was actually going camping with my best friend just now my brother and his boyfriend will be joining us. Thank you all again and wish me luck on getting him out of this as fast as possible.
\---
**Another update on the same post**
\---
I appear to still be getting answers so I'm gonna copy and paste the update I had post in relationship advice
"It's been a hectic week but worth it! My brother is now living with me!! It's not a done deal by any means we have a court date in about a month but at the least till then he can live with me. I have an attorney whose been fantastic and fast with helping me get things done, he is trying to get the court date moved up. He said we have a few options to pursue and is very positive that no matter what out come is made he will be allowed to stay with me, whether that be emancipation or me becoming his legal guardian till 18 remains a question mark(most likely me becoming his guardian). No matter what though he has my support emotionally and financially.
My brother is feeling great but I am still gonna make sure he starts seeing a therapist plus it will help with the legal stuff if he is. I'm relieved, beyond relieved, it was killing a part of me knowing he was in that situation. We were able to get a temporary no contact order against our parents so we don't have to deal with them till court and hopefully if everything plays out like it should ever again. I'd say some day if they came around to him supportive maybe but they weren't great parents before that. Honestly had it not been for him I'd have cut contact when I moved out at 18.
Thank you all again for all the help and encouraging words, I read everything you folks had said."
&#x200B;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 8,902 | "2022-12-05T05:25:35" | OOP's parents are punishing his little brother, he finds out why and steps in to help his brother. | CONCLUDED | pristine_coconut | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcxz02/oops_parents_are_punishing_his_little_brother_he/ | false | false | [
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zczgqc | **Original post:** [**Escaping a hostile work environment, by the book**](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/djqp1m/escaping_a_hostile_work_environment_by_the_book/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x)**.** Posted on October 18, 2019
My story starts off as mundane as anybody’s: Five years into working for an enormous corporation, my group was “reorg’ed”. This particular reorg was, like most efforts, a half-baked idea ginned up by a suit in a corner office, questionably planned, poorly executed and terribly communicated. Nonetheless, I was sent from my old group to a brand new (to me) group managed by Jim. Jim seemed an okay fellow, with a dry sense of humor and a British accent that lulled me into thinking he was a decent guy.
Working for Jim was … okay. He was never available and when we did meet maybe once a month he’d bark off a list of things for me to do, then say he had a conflict and had to go to another call. I was floundering a little, but felt I had a handle on things.
During my first annual review via phone, Jim offered up vanilla platitudes about how things were going well, while I heard him distractedly typing away at IM’s from people pinging him. He paused when he got to my salary and hedged, a bit.
“Ahhh… so I got you a small increase, I couldn’t get you much. To be frank, I’m not going to question how anyone arrives at their salary level, but you make way more than the other people on my team.”
It was awkward, but not the first time I’ve had such a pointed salary discussion with a male manager. It’s never been a talking point with any of the women who managed me, and I wondered if he would have made those comments to me if I were a man. I’ve managed teams over the years and noticed the women on my teams seemed to make less than their male counterparts, so I get I’m an anomaly. But, I’m a high performer in a 25-year uninterrupted career, as I never chose to have children. I’ve worked hard for my salary and I’m proud of it. I could get hired elsewhere at this salary in my market easily given my experience, qualifications and certifications.
Shortly after our review, Jim moved on to work with my primary group of business partners, leaving me with no manager, just a 2-up manager I’d never met or spoken to.
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, my salary was brought up in a discussion with his new team, the fine ladies who were managers of the teams I worked with in my business partner group.
As it's been relayed to me, Jim didn’t blurt out the specific details of course, but when one of the women complained about something I'd done, Jim said he was surprised there were issues because I was the highest paid person on his (now former) team. He poisoned the well quite nicely for me.
Going back through my emails I could pinpoint the date and time the remark was said, because the tone of EVERY SINGLE ONE of those managers changed as if on a dime. If I asked a question, I was berated because, “You’re our most senior analyst! You should know that!” Documentation that had sufficed before was suddenly “all wrong”.
There were two particularly hostile culprits: Pat, who managed reporting on the systems we were migrating and her underling PM, Wanda.
Pat came at me quick, fangs bared, with a demand that I put together a plan to get us to the next-generation of reporting which wasn’t due to be released until 2021. The 2021 plan Wanda, her PM had put together, looked like notes on a greasy cocktail napkin, so Pat decided that since I was the SME, I should do Wanda's work for her instead.
Pat wanted a plan from today, in 2019 through to the date of release in May 2021. According to her it had to include ALL the tasks needed for delivery right from the start, which is not how planning works. I can’t predict the future, so my plans usually start out detailed in the near term, with increasingly wider swaths of more generalized tasks to be elaborated in detail as we get further along. This is an industry standard approach, and was never a problem, right up until it was.
Pat started hounding me relentlessly to get this full plan done for her in 5 days, which would have been an impossible task under the best of circumstances. Nonetheless, I put together a 2000-line long plan, working evenings and over the weekend, because my arms had been in pain for several months from typing at my home office and I had to take frequent breaks from the pain.
Note: I had been made a remote employee against my will, and when I was reorg'ed I started asking for a desk back at work. Jim always dismissed my request, saying there was “no space”, so I spent over $1500 on an ergonomic chair and desk for my home to make typing easier, but my arms still hurt anytime I sat at the keyboard for more than a half hour.
I had to back-burner my more immediate, pressing work for upcoming releases in the next couple of months, because Pat told me I had to prioritize her work over everything else. I had no manager to help redirect my priorities back to my other work and when I tried to say it would have to wait until I finished my more pressing work, Pat sighed and bitterly said in front of a half-dozen people including Wanda, “So you’re our most SENIOR SME and you’re telling me you can’t do the work?”
Pat then decided to up the ante by insisting I run every element of the plan I was creating FOR Wanda BY Wanda, a junior level PM who not only didn’t understand the systems we were using - I had to tell her how to create her own status reports - but wrote at a third grade level. Even subject/verb agreement is out of Wanda’s grasp. But she had a chip on her shoulder and now she believed she could tell me what to do and how to do it. It was like a teacup poodle trying to guide a Rottweiler.
Wanda was immediately and clearly out of her element, and obviously so. As a result, every single time she was caught fucking up, she threw me right under the bus. She’d preemptively throw me under the bus too. Wanda’s only talent was deflecting blame and painting herself as the victim.
I didn’t know what to do, I was having anxiety attacks. My heart would start racing to 145bpm on the couch at night when I started thinking about work. I was overwhelmed and my arms were killing me and then the unthinkable happened… My mom suddenly died.
When I told the team, they were not only completely unsympathetic. They were pissed. I had to take a week of bereavement and this, too, pissed them off as I was leaving the day before the deadline Pat had given me to finish Wanda’s plan for the 2021 project. Instead of packing for the funeral or connecting with my family, I spent the 3 days before my leave working late nights trying to finish the plan. We met at 5PM the day before I was to go on leave, where Pat and Wanda ripped into my plan, and said they would work with another team member to fix all of my “mistakes” in the week I was gone.
Finally free of the evil twins, I went on leave. And while on leave, my arms stopped hurting. After 6 weeks of physical therapy for my arm problems, just not typing for awhile helped immensely.
I had two days left before I had to go back to the hellhole, and I was dreading it. When the heart palpitations started up again, I knew I couldn’t go back.
At first, I decided I would just quit the day I was supposed to return. I didn’t want to even give them two weeks notice, I hated them so much. They had been so cruel about me taking bereavement leave. I wanted to fuck them over, good and proper. No two weeks notice meant I’d leave them hanging for their near-term releases that I’d not been allowed to finish up my work for, as well as for the 2021 plan.
And if I burned a bridge or my reputation, so what? I’m nearing the age where people usually retire or have a major career change. I don’t need to keep that bridge any longer. I have saved up enough, and dammit my health was more important to me than these toxic people OR my paycheck. The night I decided to quit I went to sleep relieved and not anxious, for the first time in six months. I felt the anxiety leaving me, knowing I wouldn’t have to work with those people ever again.
It felt like a solid plan.
Then the next morning I woke up with a plan even more brilliant. It checked ALL my boxes:
• I wouldn’t have to go back to work
• I wouldn’t have to give two weeks notice, so they’d still be fucked
• I would still get paid
• AND I would be able to take care of my arms that had been in pain for so long! AND while I’m at it, manage the anxiety that had spiraled out of control because of my hostile coworkers
My new and improved plan was simple: Take medical leave.
I needed protected medical leave in the form of FMLA, which for those not in the US, provides up to 12 weeks of leave where my specific job role and salary must be protected and available to me upon my return.
And because it was medical leave, I was automatically enrolled in Short Term Disability, for which my company will pay 100% of my salary for 8 weeks and then 65% of my salary for the remaining weeks I’m out.
The best part of this plan is it fucks over all the people I want to fuck over AND IT’S ALL 100% LEGIT! I had been having problems keeping up at work because of all the doctors visits I had for my arms, physical therapy, regular therapy for my anxiety that had gotten out of control, and a psychiatrist. My health issues were eating into my workday, causing me to have to work early mornings, nights and weekends more than ever, and no doubt pissing off these people who thought I was making too much money to be deserving of any time off for doctor’s appointments.
My team got a new manager after 6 weeks, coincidentally just the day before I was to come back from bereavement. I was sneakily logged onto work every day to catch his name and I stealthily dialed into the conference call where he was introduced to the team. My 2-up manager that I’ve never spoken to even said at the outset: “I think we have everyone on the bridge. Thisjobisgonnakillme won’t be here, she’s on bereavement.”
I called up the administrators of our FMLA and Short Term Disability plans to file my claim. I got the forms and figured out which of my half-dozen doctors had to fill what out. My orthopedist signed me off for 12 weeks of absence straight away because she noted I’d been in pain since May so it would likely take awhile to heal. After talking with her, my PT and my psychiatrist, I will likely do physical therapy for 6 weeks and then enroll in a program for anxiety and stress management for the remaining 6 weeks before returning. All covered by my insurance and all FREE because I met my out of pocket maximum halfway through the year due to a hospital stay for a different medical issue.
The night before I was due back, I sat there grinning while looking at the next morning’s 8:00AM calendar invite from Wanda. In her illiterate fashion she had written, “It is IMPOTANT all crucial partners makes every effort to attend this call!!”
Like most of Wanda's obnoxiously illiterate declarations, it was a dig at me because I’d said in my last call with her and Pat that I might not be able to log on until 9AM on the day I returned from leave.
I opened a new window and typed out to my new manager, “Dear Phil, I hate that this is our first introduction to each other, but while I was attending my mother’s funeral an ongoing medical issue resurfaced and I need to take medical leave immediately.”
I went on to inform him I’d been hospitalized a couple months back and there were other issues that were preventing me from returning to work, and he could get the details from my prior manager Jim. Not that Jim paid a damn bit of attention to the emails I sent him detailing my doctor’s visits, etc. even as he had moved on from being my manager, because I still had to let him know about all my absences until I got a new manager. As things got worse at work, I became more clear in my details about my pain with typing getting worse, hoping it might make Jim realize the situation was getting worse, but he never listened.
So here I sit on a beautiful fall Friday morning, getting paid 100% of my salary to write this. Jim wasn’t happy about my salary when I was working for him. I wonder how happy he is about my salary knowing I’m not having to work for it right now.
When I return, I won’t be on the two projects with upcoming releases. One will have already released. The other will release less than 4 weeks after I come back. So they’re fucked on that. I wonder if they’ve figured out the test documents for November haven’t been signed off yet. I was supposed to finalize them for signoff, but Pat forced me to prioritize Wanda’s 2021 project over the November work, so the test documents are still sitting locally on my work desktop, untouched.
I will also be returning with a requirement for “accommodations”, which I am now entitled to as I’ve learned I qualify for them under the ADA. No more telling me I have to work from home or hunch over a table in the breakroom if I want to be in the office. I’m working with an occupational therapist to draft up what those accommodations will be, but a height-adjustable desk, two large monitors, and a “distraction-free workspace” are the top line requirements.
Meanwhile, my treatment plans include exercise, trail walks, both regular therapy and physical therapy, and a weekly massage as well! I’ve added in long visits to the library to read all the books I’ve been wanting to catch up on, and nice lunches a couple times a week to the mix.
Several times throughout the day I’ll look at my watch while walking the trails with my dog, or just relaxing, and I smile broadly thinking about Pat and Wanda and Wanda’s “IMPOTANT” project plan for 2021. Wonder what poor sod they’ve roped in to help her finish it now.
I still may just quit right after I return, or they can just fire me, I’d be indifferent about that. But at least this way I’ll have milked 12 more weeks of pay out of these assholes, while benefiting from all the free medical and emotional assistance my insurance plan can buy. They say living well is the best revenge, and I can’t think of a company or a group of people who deserve my pro revenge more.
tl;dr: Asshole boss moves to new role, poisons the well with my business partners by telling them I was the highest paid person on his prior team. They set out to make my life so miserable I almost quit. I decide instead to fuck them over "by the book", taking a much-needed extended medical leave, leaving them hanging for their upcoming releases, all the while still collecting that "highest paid" salary for a good, long while.
Update : [**Update: Escaping a hostile work environment, by the book**](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/elu0q5/update_escaping_a_hostile_work_environment_by_the/https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/elu0q5/update_escaping_a_hostile_work_environment_by_the/) Posted on Jan 8, 2020
I left one minor detail out of my first post: My mother was incredibly abusive and we hadn't spoken for 5 years. My "bereavement" leave was a week of chilling out trying to figure out what to do about work because I didn't even go to her funeral. No one at work knew this, my "official story" was I was grieving such a devastating loss, and that's what you'll read in the original post.
I think that's enough to catch everyone up. Here's how everything's gone down since...
First, the leave could not have come at a better time. The day I made my last post, [my sweet cat Ray](https://www.reddit.com/r/spreadytoes/comments/djpnsq/busted_while_ogling_his_spready_toes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x) was "not himself". In fact, that's the last video I took of him. I took him to the emergency vet, where we found out he had lymphoma in his liver and pancreas. We had to let him go a couple of days later. There was no way I could have worked and grieved for him at the same time, and going on medical leave right after your cat dies is not nearly as socially acceptable as taking leave after your mom dies. Rest in peace, my sweet boy.
I was spinning for a good couple of weeks after that. My arms still hurt a lot and I wasn't able to type for more than 20-30 minutes, and even that hurt. I continued physical therapy, and was frustrated at how slow the progress was. My therapist asked me to video myself typing at home. He took one look at it and saw the problem immediately: My desk and chair were fine, the horizontal and vertical parts of my workspace were fine. The problem was that my keyboard was too narrow so my arms were constantly at an angle which caused stress on all the joints. At his recommendation, I bought an [ergonomic split keyboard](https://www.google.com/search?q=split+ergonomic+keyboard&client=firefox-b-1-d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjA0uuZnfTmAhWCU80KHXFsBPAQ_AUoAnoECA8QBA&biw=1920&bih=966)
and immediately noticed a difference. By the end of the year I was pain-free, although I still can't type for as long as I used to.
Because my out-of-pocket maximum had been reached with my health insurance, I took the opportunity to get everything checked out "under the hood". I'm 48 so I had a colonoscopy & endoscopy (fun!); the doc says my "colon is perfect" so if I ever need a Tinder bio, I know what to lead with. I went to the dermatologist, gynecologist, every 'ologist' in the book and except for my shitty arms, I'm pretty healthy.
I also went into an IOP (intensive outpatient program) for therapy the last six weeks of the year where I spent 3 hours, 3 days a week in group therapy with other people. I made some amazing and fascinating new friends, including a paramedic and firefighter both coping with PTSD, an Afghanistan veteran and several others. I also learned about "complex trauma" from childhood abuse, and came to realize that my anxiety, depression and ADHD were not necessarily three separate diagnoses, but instead were symptoms of "complex PTSD" (CPTSD) likely related to my mother's continual abuse and a few other traumatic childhood events.
Because of IOP, I'm now working with a "trauma therapist" and left my general therapist. After decades of regular therapy barely helping, I have someone to work with to help me truly put my past in the past so I can heal emotionally.
My mother's death and this leave was the best thing that could have happened for my physical and emotional health. When I made my last post, I resented the hell out of Jim, Pat and Wanda for being so cruel to me at work. I still don't like them, but I've moved past resentment and I'm now grateful for the situation, because their hostility was the catalyst that got me the treatment I've needed for ~~years~~ decades.
My husband and I also met with our financial adviser who, after running the numbers, made it clear that for both of us, work should be considered as more of a "want to" thing than a "need to" activity. (Turns out dual-income, no kids and saving throughout my 25 year career was a good decision!)
So I decided I don't "want to" work for this company anymore.
My leave ended and I returned to work two days ago. As soon as I returned I sat down with my new manager and told him about Jim, Pat and Wanda. Of course, no one had filled him in on their behavior. I gave him some hard copies of emails documenting their stunts. He was shocked by that, but was not surprised when I ended my 5 minute summary with, "So unfortunately I'm going to have to resign." I handed over my letter with my two-weeks notice.
He asked me if I truly wanted to work those two weeks and I said, "Not particularly, no, but I do want to get some things off my work computer so I need to get it back online." He agreed it would be a waste for me to try to really pick up anything. I jumped through the hoops of getting my computer online to get those docs. I blocked Jim, Pat and Wanda, along with three other people who were toxic but not QUITE as nasty as those three, as soon as I pulled up MS Communicator. I'm not attending any meetings. I have just one meeting on my calendar next week - the one where my new manager will announce my departure to the team. Meanwhile, I'm getting paid full salary for these two weeks as well, AND I'll get all my 2020 vacation days paid out when I leave!
So, the final tally of just how much Jim's asshole move cost my company and benefited me:
* 1 week of bereavement leave at 100% of my salary
* 8 weeks of FMLA paid at 100% "
* 4 weeks of FMLA paid at 65% "
* 1.5 weeks of extended "certified medical leave" paid at 65% "
* 2 weeks of salary at 100%
* 4 weeks of PTO payout at 100% "
For a grand total of 20.5 weeks or 5 months of salary (at varying rates) for doing nothing but **taking care of my own damn self**. And I'm not including the thousands of dollars I didn't have to pay while getting checkups, medical procedures, physical therapy and group therapy as it was all covered by my company's medical insurance.
I'm also not including what they all had to go through to put a new person on these releases, and all the stress I DIDN'T have because I didn't end up delivering on these projects. The weekend in November when my project was set to go live, I was in another town for an old friend's memorial, seeing people I hadn't seen in 20 years. I wouldn't have been able to attend if I hadn't gone on leave.
I'm not going to reveal my salary, but I will say that the last several months have cost the company tens of thousands of dollars, for my salary alone. The other benefits I've reaped, on top of the salary, have been immeasurable.
They say living well is the best revenge and it's true. Jim, Pat and Wanda are still their ugly-ass selves, chained to their desks, bitter and making sure everyone around them knows it.
As for me, I'm free of the chains of a 9-5 job. I don't think I'm going to look for another job for quite some time and when I do it's going to have to be something I want to do, not something I need to do. Now I just need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
**TL;DR:** Prior manager and business partners were assholes to me because they were jealous of my salary. I had a minor breakdown and took medical leave, grieved for the loss of my pet, the loss of an old friend, got healthier and got the therapy I really need to heal emotionally from some major shit in my life - all while still collecting that salary they were so jealous of.And now I'm leaving them behind to go fuck themselves while I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life
# Reminder - I'm not OOP and do not comment on the original posts. | 3,785 | "2022-12-05T06:43:27" | Escaping a hostile work environment, by the book. | CONCLUDED | mermaidpaint | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zczgqc/escaping_a_hostile_work_environment_by_the_book/ | false | false | [
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zd03j9 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T07:19:09" | Was there an update to the post where a lady travelled to surprise her husband, only to find out they were sharing a room, and in fact, sharing a bed? | NEW UPDATE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zd03j9/was_there_an_update_to_the_post_where_a_lady/ | false | false | [
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zd0iqt | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T07:44:20" | Cheat on me with my best friend? I'll wreck your career and publicly humiliate both of you | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zd0iqt/cheat_on_me_with_my_best_friend_ill_wreck_your/ | false | false | [
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zd3wpu | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T11:03:52" | OOP finds out that his stepmom was dad's Affair Partner and her daughters are his half-siblings. | NEW UPDATE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zd3wpu/oop_finds_out_that_his_stepmom_was_dads_affair/ | false | false | [
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zd9rco | Originally posted by u/UnnamedPictureShow in r/TrueOffMyChest on May 25, '22
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/uxca4a/i_think_my_neighbor_may_have_been_murdered_but_i/)
I think my neighbor may have been murdered but I don’t know where she lives
So, one of my neighbors further down the street walks her dog at least twice a day. He’s a big pit/lab, super friendly, she has to hold her dog down so he doesn’t tackle me trying to lick my face. I wave at them every time I see them.
I’ve been staying at a friend’s house since Friday, just hanging out, and apparently, for the past few days, my mom said the dog has come by the porch looking for me without his owner. I’m immediately on alert because of how much she walks this dog, I don’t know how she wouldn’t know where he is.
I came home today and walked the neighborhood, and I found him, but he seems completely different. He’s limping on one leg, won’t even come near me even though I have treats, and is so scared. I’ve never seen him like this. I can’t get close enough to check his tags and try to find a number or address, and I don’t even remember his name or his owner’s. I asked a few neighbors that were outside, and no one else knows where she lives, either, because the only time people see her is when she’s walking by their house.
The way everything is playing out, with no sign of her and a complete 180 in her dog’s behavior, my brain is jumping to the worst conclusion that someone broke into her house and murdered her. Tomorrow I’m walking the neighborhood again, trying to get close with the dog, and I’ll probably go door knocking in the area of the street I know she lives on to see if I can pinpoint a house to do a welfare check. The police said they can’t do anything without an address.
DAY 1 UPDATE:
The police have said they can’t do anything without an address, and they don’t trust the local animal services to do anything more besides give the number associated with a tag or chip a call. I’m not even sure if animal control would be allowed to disclose that information, and additionally our local pound in infamous for having a high kill rate and spreading parvo. They do have an option where they can scan a chip to see if he has an owner and then I can keep him for two weeks while his info stays on their found listings, and after two weeks if no one claims him, technically I can call him mine. If the owner is okay, obviously I wouldn’t keep him, but that’s the only option I can think to do. If I can manage to catch him and keep him at my house I may have an easier time of figuring out where he lives.
Also thank you to everyone who is recommending to tell him to go home, that is ingenious, and I will tell him that next time I see him.
DAY 2 UPDATE:
Walked through the neighborhood with a leash and a bowl of tuna to see if I could lure him out with the smell. No luck. Some neighbor kids and adults have reported seeing him through the neighborhood, at the local park, and at the local elementary school. Will try again tomorrow.
DAY 3 UPDATE:
Nothing. No sign of the dog. I don’t know where it’s gone. No sign of the neighbor, either. Doing a patrol down the street, though, there is a nicer house with mail piling up in the mailbox, but no car in the driveway. Neighbor kids haven’t seen him in a few days, either. I’ll call the pound and see if they have anything.
DAY 3 UPDATE PART 2:
To those of you upset that I haven’t posted an update, I can’t help it if the dog doesn’t show up. It’s scared and hurt, hopefully nothing worse happened to it. The pound is closed today so I will try to stop by or call tomorrow. But if I don’t have any updates it’s not for a lack of trying.
Also hello to those who came from TikTok.
FINAL UPDATE:
For the best possible ending. I talked with one of my neighbors who keeps in touch with EVERYONE, she asked around, we got her name, and it turns out she moved in with her mom. The lab who has been running around, despite looking almost exactly the same, is a different dog. I haven’t seen it since, but other neighbors have. I’m glad nothing worse happened. Like I said in the original post, I catastrophize, so I’m ashamed to say I didn’t think of this option first. This neighborhood is very old and hardly anyone moves to or from here, so I didn’t expect it. I’m so glad she’s okay, though, and so’s her dog. | 10,143 | "2022-12-05T15:24:44" | OP Thinks Their Neighbor Was Murdered (True May 25, '22) | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zd9rco/op_thinks_their_neighbor_was_murdered_true_may_25/ | false | false | [
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zdbdyt |
I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/stepmomanddad in r/offmychest and r/justnofamily.
[BoRU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/yxmuyq/oop_finds_out_that_his_stepmom_was_dads_ap_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
**OOP finds out that his stepmom was dad's Affair Partner and her daughters are his half-siblings.**
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/yl999w/my_stepmom_was_my_dads_ap/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (3 Nov 22)
**My stepmom was my dad's AP**
My stepmom was my Dad´s AP
This is my first time using reddit and english is not my first language
When i (22M) was 4 my Dad(42M) divorced my mom. About a year later he introduced me to my stepmom (42F). She had two twin girls( N and D 22F). They married only a few months and went on to have three more kids, G( 16M) L(10M) and S(4F).
My father adopted N and D because their bio father was not involved. I´ve always considered all 5 of them ( N,D,G,L and S) my siblings and we´ve never used step or half to refer to eachother.
When i was 6, shortly after G´s birth, my mom passed away in a car accident and because of it i started to live with my dad full time.
My relationship with my stepmom improved from there. She never adopted me however she, along with my dad, keept my mom´s memory alive by keeping in touch with my maternal grandparents and other relatives and visiting her grave with me on special days. I started calling her mom when i was around 7 or 8 and she refers to me as her eldest child ( me and the twins are the same age but i was born first)
After i turned 18 i started to work but i continued to live with my parents.
Last week i was in the attic when i found a photo album that i have never seen before. I opened it and i saw several pictures of my dad, my stepmom and the twins when they were babies, which made no sense to me because, like i said we were todlers when our parents met.
I decided to confront my parents about it. They were sit alone in the kitchen and asked them how they met, they told the same story, that soon after my dad´s divorce he met my stepmom though a mutual friend. when they were done i place one of the pictures on the table and told them that i wanted the truth.
I could tell by my dad´s face he understood what i meant. My dad told me that his marriage with my mom was going though a hard time because of my mom´s infertility issues, one day he met my stepmom and things escalated quickly and when he was ready to leave my mom she founded out that she was pregant but so did my stepmom at the same time, he lied to my mom several times so that he could spend time with my stepmom and the twins, one day he admited to my mom that he was having an affair and they got divorced.
I looked at my stepmom and she was in tears, they both tried to say sorry but i just couldn´t stay in that house any longer. i´m currently staying at my gf´s parents house. I have talked to G, L and S, it pained me alot and G has said that S has cried for me and that just breaks my heart.
I have refused to talk with my parents or to N and D. The three of them lied to me.
I feel like my life was built on lies and i am lost, i do not know what to do, i still love my sisters and my parents but they, especialy my parents, have hurted me. so much.
Edit:fixed typos
Edit: fixed typos
Edit:
I wanna thank everyone for their input on my situation.
I have come to the conclusion that i should talk with N and D, i will send them a message so that we can meet in person and talk about it.
I will also try to meet my younger siblings because i have not seen them since last week, just talked to them over the phone, and i missed them.
About my parents i do not know what i will do, i need to talk to them so that i can get atleast some cloesure but i don't know if i will be able to do it.
Thank you everyone!
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/ymuofi/my_sisters_knew_about_our_fathers_affair_with/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (5 Nov 22)
**My sisters knew about our father's affair with their mother**
Read my last post so you can understand.
Before anything i would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post.
I have seen common questions being asked i i'll reply to them:
-"Did your mom really had fertility issues?"-Yes, her family has told me many times she got really afected by it and that my birth was a got her over the moon.
-"Did the twins knew?"-i did not knew if they knew thats i talked to them.
Now onto the update;
After i made my post i made a group chat with the twins and texted them and we decided to met
My GF wanted to come with me but i told her i would rather go alone. When i arrived they were already there, they asked started to try to make small talk i just asked them if they knew, they started to tear up and told me that they always knew my dad but only knew that they were his daughters when they were 16 because our parents told them, they initially wanted to tell me but my dad and stepmom pressed them not to saying that if they told me it would destroy our family. I asked how were things at home, they told me that G and L started to be rude to them and to our parents while S was asking about me.
They asked me if i could forgive them, i told them that i still love them but i just need time they told me they understood. I said i was sorry and that i shouldn't blame them for our dad's mistakes, they told me they should have told me earlier, we hugged and cried together. We said our goodbyes and then i went home, my gf asked me how i was and i just broke down, she held me tight and told me to not hold on and that she was there for me, words cannot discrive how much i love this woman she has been my rock though out all of this.
I talked with my younger siblings this morning and we met at park. I hugged them really tight especialy S, i'm super atached to her and i am really protective of her i tried to explain to her, in a todler friendly way, that i was mad at our parets because they did a "bad thing" and not at her, she asked if i was ever going back home, i told her i didn't knew but i still loved her. I talked to my brothers to see how they were holding on,G and L told me they had been having a hard time because they never tough our parents could do something so horrible, they told me they missed me but understood why i had to leave.
We spent the morning together and after luch they went back home.
I haven't talk to my parents yet and i plan to call my maternal grandparents tonight to see if they knew or not.
Thank everyone for their support you guys have helped me a lot
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/ynr78f/i_talked_with_my_grandparents_about_my_fathers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (6 Nov 22)
**I talked with my grandparents about my father's affair.**
TLDR about my last two posts: My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom, my twin stepsisters whom my father adopted are actually his bio daughters.
Yesterday i went to visit my maternal grandparents, first we mad the usual small talk and then i told them i needed to tell them something serious.
I layed it all out, the affair, the twins faternity everything . To say my grandparents were shocked would be an understatement. My grandma started to cry her heart out asking herself how could my dad "hurt my baby girl like that" my granddad was more angry he called my dad and stepmom everything he could think of. My grandparents always tough that my parents had divorced because they didn't just worked out and because they were young and despite not being their son-in-law anymore they mainted a great relationship with my dad.
After my grandma calmed down she asked me how i was doing, i told her that its been hard but i am doing better now she said she still couldn't believe my dad would do something so horrible to my mom, my grandpa said if my dad is lucky they would never laid eyes on eachother because my grandpa would do something that would put him in jail, if you understand me.
We spent the rest of the day catching up and talking about my mom, overall it was very intense but opening up to people who loved my mother like i did helped me a bit.
Thanks for reading.
#[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/yzgnh3/i_confroted_my_father_and_my_stepmom_about_their/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (20 Nov 22)
**I confroted my father and my stepmom about their affair**
Read my last posts for context.
My dad and stepmom have wanted to meet me up and talk since i've found out about their affair, i wasn't feeling ready to do it yet, my gf said i should, eventually, meet them so that at least i can hear their side and told me she wanted to come with me.
We( me and my gf) and they (dad and stepmom) decided to meet yesterday, on a public space. We arrived before them, i was feeling nervous and was shaking my leg, my gf held my hand and told me not to worry about because she was there for me.
When they arrived i was looking at the floor and couldn't just look them in the eyes, my dad was trying to ask me things, like how was i and just asked him to explain everything, to moment he met my mom to the moment he divorced her.
My dad, told me that he met my at their church and the moment he laid eyes on her he fell in love and soon after they started dating. My dad said my mom was "a perfect partner" he said she was kind, loving and very concerned about him. My dad proposed to her on her 18th birthday and she cried tears of joy, they went to get married, my dad said that he never saw my mom so happy until the day i was born, but they had problems having kids, they had a few misscarriages and then my dad started to cheat on my mom with my stepmom because my stepmom "could give me what your mom couldn't". My dad started to spent less and less time at home, at this point he had started crying, he said my mom tried her best and told him everyday of much she loved him and how sorry she was she couldn't give him a family.
My father was planing on leaving my mom but she told him she was pregnant, in the same week my dad found out my stepmom was pregnant as well, my dad inicially believed that i was going to be a misscarriage but it didn't happened. He said that when i was born my mom couldn't stop looking at me crying and smiling at the same time, my dad said that my mom held his hand and said "we finally did it,my love".
I started to cry a bit, my dad and stepmom tried to confort me but i just asked how my mom reacted to my dad's affair and why did my dad waited 4 years to divorce her.
My dad said that during those 4 years my mom became overprotective of me (he gave a few examples like my mom had my crib in their room when i was a baby, whenever i was crying she was the one to calm down and didn't let anyone else do it, she didn't let anyone hold me until i was a bit older, she wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom so that she could spend more time with me, it took my dad and grandparents from both sides to convince her not to) which caused them to have less time alone and that during those 4 years my mom's sex drive got lower and she didn't got pregant again when they had sex.
When my dad told my mom about the affair he laid down everything, including the twins. My mom begged him not to leave her, making promises she would have more sex with him and if my dad wanted he could continue to have the affair and have another children that my mom would treat them well, my dad said his mind was made up, my mom cried and asked him to leave her alone for a while.
When my dad got back home he heard my mom singing my song(context i'm a leo and my mom always sang "leãozinho" from Caetano Velozo to me) he went to my room and peeked through the door and saw my mom in my room holding me in her arms while singing, after i fell asleep my mom started crying softly probably so that i wouldn't wake up, my dad said she started kissing me in the forehead and saying she loved me over and over again. My dad told me my mom sleept with me that night and the next day they started to discuss their divorce. My dad said that my mom did her best to not potray him as the bad guy and when i asked who i was going to live with my mom said i was going to be living with her one week and with my dad the other.
My dad tried to guilt trip me, he said that my mom could tell everyone about the affair and could push to have full custody of me but "she understood it wouldn't be healthy for you". I simply asked about the twins, how was their relationship with him before and why did he told them.
He said that when the twins were born my mom was already at home but he was able to visit my stepmom in the hospital, i asked him if he was always the twin's legal father to wich he replied yes, my father said that he would visit the twins and my stepmom at least once a week then my stepmom said that they tough the twins should know because they wanted the twins to learn the truth by them. I asked when where they planned to tell me, they didn't said anything.
I told my dad that hia actions showed that he was norhing more than a selfish asshole, that he hurted me, the twins and my mom, all people who he should have loves and respected. I told him we could never have any type of meaningfull relationship, to forget about being at my wedding or meet my kids. The maximum i could do was tolerating him and his wife for the sake of my siblings,mainly my 4 year old sister.
My stepmom tried to intervine, she said "son i ..." before she could continue my gf replied that i wasn't her son, that she was just my father's lover and that my mom had died. We soon left.
As we were walking home my gf asked if i was alright to which i said yes. When we got home she held my hand and took me to our room, she laid in our bed and buried my face on her chest she said "I want you to know how proud i am, you have shown how much strong and mature you are, but you don't need to act tough around me. Please, let it all out." I started to cry as i have never did before. After what it seemed a eternity i told my gf i wanted to see some of my mom's pictures so that i could calm down.
It started alright but then i got to two pictures taken one after another, in the first one my mom was holding me and looking at me with a big smile in the other one she was giving me a big kiss and i just lost it again. She didn't deserved any of this shit, i wished she could have found someone better than my dad, someone who could have loved and treated her like she deserved.
I'm a litter better now but i'm still a emocional mess. My gf was said that she has been worried about my mental state and that she wants me to see a therapist, i told her i agree but asked her to do the appointement because i was not capable of doing so.
I want to thank everyone who commented, who sent me dms and gave me advice. Thank you a lot, it means a lot to me. If something else happens in my life i will keep you all updated.
#[Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/z58lik/my_dads_side_of_the_family_are_guilttriping_me_so/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (24 Nov 22)
**My dad's side of the family are guilttriping me so that i can forgive him.**
English is not my first language.
So i (22M) am NC with my dad(42M) and my stepmom( aka my dad's lover)(42F) because long story short my mom had fertility issues, my dad cheated on her and my stepmom and mom got pregnant at the same time which means that my twin stepsisters(22F) are actually my halfsisters.
My dad and stepmom have tried to convice the twins and my brothers (16 M,10M) to talk to me,my siblings have refused.
Dad and stepmom have also tried to poisened my sister (4F) against me but my siblings didn't allowed it and i had to explain to my sister why i was mad at her parents.
Since then my dad's family( dad's siblings and parents) and even some family friends have been harassing me and guilt trip me to forgive my dad and stepmom saying things like "they were always good parents" "they love you" and things like that.
I have told them to stop but they continue to message me, especialy my grandma, saying all this crap about "family".
Part of me wants to block them but i am having a hard time doing it. I don't exactly know what my dad and stepmom have told them and i really don't want to go NC with half my family over my dad's mistakes.
Any advice is helpfull.
Edit:fixed typos
Edit:fixed typos
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 4,849 | "2022-12-05T16:22:47" | OOP finds out that his stepmom was dad's affair partner and her daughters are his half-siblings. | NEW UPDATE | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdbdyt/oop_finds_out_that_his_stepmom_was_dads_affair/ | false | false | [
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zdcq43 | I am not OOP. OOP is u/Mustang1307098 . Originally posted in r/TrueOffMyChest . I got permission from OOP to post in this subreddit.
TW: Mention of mental abuse, attempted suicide, child abandonment and Spousal abuse
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z5ty5p/i_abandoned_my_children_while_divorcing_abusive/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) Nov, 27, 2022.
Throwaway. Also english is my 3rd language so please ignore grammatical mistakes. Also this is going to be a long post so please overlook it. I will add TLDR at the end.
Leo (38M) and I (36F) married when i was 23. My parents weren't in picture since i was 17 for some other reasons. When i was 19, I was addicted to weed. I had severe depression because i was broke and could afford rent. I tried to commit suicide twice. I met Leo when i was 4 months sober. He knows my history well. We dated for only 6 months. Marriage was rushed because of his parents and also i need support financially at that time. One of his parents condition for marriage was for me to sign pre-nup agreement. We have two children (12F and 9M). He was the breadwinner at that time while i took care of house. Also i was pregnant within a month after our marriage. Two years after my daughter Huma was born, i secured a job in communication based industry which pays me almost thrice what he earned at that time. This is the beginning of the financial and emotional abuse i suffered from him.
Now that i am also earning, i requested him to share household chores. He refused to do any of it even taking care of our daughter. Thus, my burdens only increased. He started to get jealous and greedy. Sometimes he muttered about how women who earn more than their husband will disrespect them. He started to demand my money. I always refused to give it to him. Then he started to fight me even for very small matters. And every time we fight, he will involve his mom. My MIL will always take sides with him and started lecturing me. Its like two of them gang up on me. If i made a mistake, its my fault. But if he makes a mistake, its also my fault because i made him do the mistake.
Well, I conceived again. I took maternity leave when i was 5 months pregnant. Our company only allows 8 months maternity leave so i have to return 3 months after birth. Staying at home only increased his resentment for me. He has mild allergy for some fruits. He ate them frequently so i always had to take care of him while also being pregnant and doing household chores. I endured all of this because if i seek divorce, he will take full custody of both my children given my history of depression, drugs and attempted suicide. I loved my children. 3 months after my son Rob's birth, i returned to office. My application for WFH was denied while he was granted WFH in his company (this happened pre-covid, WFH was allowed only for IT dudes at that time) so now he had more time to spend with children while doing nothing about chores.
Around that time, i had considerable money saved, so i put a down payment on a house on my name. Since we had a prenup, he can't force his name on my house, he started to abuse me emotionally. He taught our daughter b word for her to call me. Yes, a 7 year old calling her mother b word. Eventhough i know its not her fault, i started resenting Huma. Eventhough Rob was still a child (4y) he started his fathers footsteps. I started to have anxiety. I suffered severe depressions again. On the suggestion of my supervisor, i started therapy secretly. My therapist was a 50s lady. She was sympathetic to me. Her suggestion was that i feel resentment towards Huma and Rob because they are the only attachment i have with Leo. She told me that its going to be lose-lose situation for me either way if Leo and ours didn't attend family and individual therapy and i can't convince him to attend therapy. My Therapy extended to 20 sessions before it ended.
After that, i made the hard decision. I met a divorce lawyer and served Leo divorce papers. He was suprised/shocked but i already packed my things before serving. I moved to my house while he was in phone with my MIL. After a while he called which i didn't answer so he started spam texting me. He called me that i won't get custody of ours and he will never allow even visitation for me given my mental history. I didn't respond to any of that. MIL showed at my house and screamed in front of windows. I didn't call cops but my HOA security took her away. Divorce took 8 months to finalize in 2018. We didn't have a family account. I didn't get custody only supervised visitation which i didn't use until now. I had to pay 15% of my salary for child support for both Huma and Rob which i am happy to do so via court.
After divorce, he tried to date again while posting pictures of his new girlfriend only to rub me in the eyes. But that didn't last long because she didn't want to be a caretaker for our children while being disrespected by Huma. As far as i know, he is still single dad with two. MIL called me 6 months after divorce begging me to come back because he now realize how much i have done for him and our family. He had to do chores now and when he asked for her help, she refused and berated him for the manchild he is. He is paying for a caretaker for 3 years now and is costing him more than twice what i pay to him via child support. I met Mohit through a client 2 years ago, when covid restrictions were relaxed. He understood my situation. He has two daughters (7 and 5) from his late wife. They are longing for a mother figure which i am happy to fill. We married 6 months ago and now we're currently expecting (4months). I am writing all of this because we are expecting a girl.
Now, i feel like what my therapist said is coming true. I feel like i am replacing my children from previous marriage. It ia 3 years since i last saw them. Both of them write me letter for christmas but i don't write them back. I want to move past it but it is killing me inside. Mohit also suggested i visit them for this christmas but i don't know how am i going to explain myself to them especially Rob since his mother disappeared without a trace for him. I know this isn't the correct sub but i welcome advice regarding my situation. Thank you.
TLDR ; I was abused at home, escaped and married Leo had two children got an amazing job realized he is a POS. Filed divorce, abandoned my children and never looked back now remarried and current expecting a girl. I feel like a bad mother and i am replacing my children. Thank you.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mustang1307098/comments/z700pe/update_i_abandoned_my_children_while_leaving/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) 1 day later, 28, Nov, 2022.
[[Original post Link]](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z5ty5p/i_abandoned_my_children_while_divorcing_abusive/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
This is merely an update, i just wanted to clarify some questions. Some informations that i didn't include in the original post and a small update in the end.
| Is english really your 3rd language?
- Yes, english is my 3rd behind my native language and our national language.
| Do you really addicted to weed or its just alcohol?
- Yes weed actually, near the place i live, farmers hide weed plants in between other crops.
| How are you able to write fluently in english?
- English was taught to us throughout our school life.
| What is your ethnicity?
- I don't feel comfortable revealing my country but i am from south asia.
| How cum you're not given custody eventhough you're mentally depressed and attempted suicide many years ago?
- Because i attempted suicide again when Huma was 6.
| Is your current husband preventing you from reaching your children from previous marriage?
- No, in fact it is opposite. He encourages me to meet them but understands my trauma. He meets them atleast once every 2 months. They know him. He is the one brought their letters but he doesn't force me to read them.
| How do you pay child support to your ex?
- There is an officer in court for this matters. He transfers the cheque from me to money for ex. Fees for this is very small.
| What is DV law in your country?
- DV as in domestic violence? Ex and his mom didn't assaulted me physically. Its only verbal and emotional abuse. Its hard to prove in court. Even if i had proved that in court, it still wouldn't make any difference according to our civil law.
| Why you left your kids with an abuser?
- As much as he is a shitty husband to me, he is a great dad to them except the manipulation he pulled against me. He even left his girlfriend because she served him an ultimatum, either her or the children, he chose our children. So i followed my instinct at that moment. Still that doesn't excuse me, i know.
| What if he abused the children on your absence?
- He won't. He loves them despite abusing me. And also Mohit meets them once every 2 months.
| You said you make 3X your ex's salary, why can't you take him to court again for custody rearrangement?
- Unfortunately, money doesn't matters in court, since fathers have more rights when it comes to children and given my mental (and at that time physical) health, court didn't do me any favor.
| Why didn't you use your visitations?
- Because Ex is the supervisor for my visitation. He requested the court to also allow MIL as the supervisor. He did this to spite me, no doubt.
| Huma is muslim name, mohit is hindu name and Leo is christian name, what are you trying to convey here?
- I didn't know Huma is muslim name, its actually a short version of her actual name from our native language. Yes me and ex are christians and Mohit is hindu turned atheist. I didn't have much attachments to Christianity due to childhood trauma regarding churches.
| Why didn't you mention your ex-FIL?
- He died 8 months after our (ex and I) marriage before Huma was born.
| Is there anyone from your bio-family is in contact with you?
- No
| Are you still in therapy?
- Yes
| How much you pay child support to your ex?
- In terms of american dollars, about $600. This is based on 15% of my salary in early 2019. This has to be adjusted every 2 years as per court but we didn't change it as i also pay for other related expenses for our children (and twice the amount for a year during covid), which is more than adjusted amount, so ex didn't take me to court.
| How much he pays for caretaker?
- To caretaker from a professional agency, about $18K per year. This includes doing household chores and stuffs. As per court order, he sent me details of her. She is a 45+ lady. Mohit met her. She seemed nice.
| You don't really contribute anything other than child support?
- I am so sorry, yes. Mohit and my step daughters did send them letters and some gifts for their birthdays and christmas. They don't force me to involve.
| What is the content of their letters?
- Just how they are doing. Wanting to meet me. Asking for forgiveness from Huma.
| Why didn't you wrote them back?
- I had trouble thinking about them, i thought if i had cut contact, it would be best for both of us.
| Does Rob remembers you?
- Yes, our family portrait is still in hall as ex informed Mohit. So he remembers me.
| Does Huma berates you in the letters?
- No
| Does a 7 year old girl really called you b word?
- Yes, not really b word, its equivalent in our language.
| Does Huma uses b word in letter?
- No
| If you already know you're in abusive situation before Rob was born, why did you give birth to him?
- I didn't know any better at that time. Its only about money before Rob was born.
| Your therapist seems like a good one. Why did you end your sessions?
- She moved to Canada for better opportunities before my divorce.
| Is your ex and the kids are in therapy?
- No, ex lost his job in Covid so i had to pay twice my child support for 13 months. So only kids are in school therapy which i pay for.
| So you think, money equates mother's love?
- No, i didn't have a choice.
Now before the informations, i would like to thank the amazing redditor who actually offered her experience in a similar situation and how she regretted cutting them off and i really appreciate her advice. And the people who chatted with me sharing their experience about being abandoned by their parents and how they felt. I actually cried after reading some of the comments. Mohit also read your comments. Some messages targeted Mohit for causing alienation, so he got awkward but understood why you thought he is the reason. One of the reasons why i posted is because ex and MIL invited me for this christmas to their house. I didn't mention this in original for reasons i dont know. I am conflicted on this. That's why i posted this on this subreddit. As per the advice of my therapist, now Mohit and I decided take steps very slow for the time being. We decided to make videocall to them during christmas. Thank you.
OP here. I had a little chat with OOP. Posted here with permission
OP: Hey Mustang, what's the motive behind your original post?
OOP: Hi. If i am being honest, i wanted someone to assure me there is nothing i could do or i am not a bad mom or some consolation. That's why i posted here. But comments here are bit harsh and cruel but truth indeed. Some people exchanged their pwn experience in my situation amd my children's situation to me. They offered their valuable advice. Thank You
OP here. I think this situation is sad for both OOP and her children. OOP said that she will read comments here and welcomes any valuable advices. | 2,817 | "2022-12-05T17:09:37" | OOP abandoned her children while leaving abusive husband and now she doesn't know whether to build relationship with them or not | ONGOING | dhulkarnin470 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdcq43/oop_abandoned_her_children_while_leaving_abusive/ | false | false | [
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zde8to | **I am not the OP. That is u/thra_Impress6525. This is the continuation of another BORU post, which can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x02wg4/oop_learns_a_hard_lesson_about_herself/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button).**
Trigger warning: >!none!<
Mood spoiler: >!sad, but hopeful!<
&nbsp;
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wv3rbh/my_26f_fiance_is_convinced_i_have_a_crush_on_my/) *posted on August 22, 2022*
**My (26F) fiance is convinced I have a crush on my friend’s husband**
My best friend Sarah (26F) and her husband Matt (28M) have put me in a very difficult position with my fiance Jack (30M). I knew Matt since my childhood, he was my neighbor and we were friendly. Sarah and I were roommates in college and became close friends.
When I introduced Sarah and Matt, they hit it off and started dating each other. I was happy to see two of my friends get together but also annoyed that I became the third wheel and was often ignored or set aside because they were so into each other. By the time I graduated, Matt had completely dropped me as a friend. That saddened me but I was still good friends with Sarah so it was what it was. Sarah and I would frequently hang out, but I never talked with Matt other than the occasional polite hellos. Sarah would sometimes try to do couples dates with her and Matt and me and my dates. I found that Matt had developed an unpleasant personality and would frequently be rude and condescending towards me. However, he’s a very devoted and loving husband to Sarah so for her sake I ignored him.
When my fiance and I got engaged, we had no plans to do a party. Sarah was disappointed that we didn’t throw an engagement party so she organized a small get-together at her home to celebrate us. The party was nice and as things were winding down, my fiance and I went to thank Sarah and Matt for their sweet gesture before we took our leave. Matt was pretty tipsy by then and out of nowhere he suddenly hugged me and in front of my fiance said that he was so glad that I was finally settling down and he is relieved that now I’ll be over the crush I had on him. I was shocked and told him that wasn’t true. He just laughed and told Jack that I was always chasing him and he had to work hard to keep me away. I dragged Sarah in and asked her to please fix this mess and she was all like oh he’s drunk ignore him and says, you know I always trust you, I know you wouldn’t act on your crush.
Jack was pretty pissed by this point and he walked out. I ran after him and tried explaining that this isn’t true but he told me he doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice or their backup plan. Since that night he isn’t talking to me or returning my calls.
I have talked to Sarah multiple times to clear things with Jack but she’s brushing me off. I don’t understand why they believe this or why she’d stay friends with me if she thought I was into her husband. I was in her wedding party and did all the work because her sister who was the MOH was too busy. I have helped her through her pregnancy and have babysat her kid so many times. She never gave me any indication she thought this and why would she want me close to her family if she believed this? I feel humiliated that these people think I was pining away for a jerk like Matt.
I need help in convincing Jack this isn’t true. I am also mad at him for throwing away our relationship over what some drunken idiot said. I don't know what I am going to do about my friendship with Sarah.
Update:
I talked to Sarah again and asked her first of all why she’d think I had a crush on Matt. She said that when I first introduced them I had talked up Matt and gushed about him and she took that as me being into him. I said I was fond of him since I’ve known him for a long time but that doesn’t mean I want to be with him. She said when they started dating I was often upset about it. I said I wasn’t upset about their dating, I was upset that she’d make plans with me and then leave me to be with him and when we were all together I didn’t enjoy being the third wheel while they ignored me. That had nothing to do with wanting him and more to not liking being left out by my best friend. I asked her why she hadn’t said anything before and she explained that she could “manage” the situation. She had asked Matt to stop talking to me completely and she engineered situations so there was little chance of us socializing with each other.
I asked her now that I have explained that I never had a crush on Matt, can you please talk to Jack and tell him. She said she didn’t want to lie. This frustrated me immensely. She could ignore this imaginary crush for years and manipulate me, but won’t talk to my fiance to help my relationship. I told her I was done being her friend. Thinking back I was always doing stuff for her and she used me but did little for me.
&nbsp;
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wz6ubd/update_my_26f_fiance_is_convinced_i_have_a_crush/) *posted on August 27, 2022*
**Update: My (26F) fiance is convinced I have a crush on my friend’s husband**
I wrote a long letter to Jack explaining the entire history of my relationship with Sarah and Matt with the recent screencaps. I asserted as best as I could that I had never pined after any guy and I loved him and he was my only choice.
After days of silence, Jack agreed to talk to me. We met and he said that he sees two ways of interpreting this situation. One, Matt and Sarah are right and he doesn’t want to be my second choice. Two, they are malicious people who are messing with me and that shows very poor judgment on my part that I’d have a best friend like this and he doesn’t want that quality in a life partner. Either possibility leads to the same conclusion that he wants to call off the engagement.
He reminded me that I had represented Sarah as one of the most important people in my life. I’d jump up and help her all the time. I had once canceled plans with him to take care of her kid when the baby was sick. It had irked him but he had seen it as me being caring and nice, but now he’s seeing all that in a different light.
I cried and begged him not to end our engagement, but he wanted a break for a while. I thought over what he said for a few days and came to realize that he was right. I was a clingy friend and a doormat. I never even saw how much one sided my friendship with Sarah was. I was a doormat with Jack too. I didn’t want to get married or have kids this early but agreed to his timelines. I gave up an exciting job opportunity with more money because he didn’t want me traveling for work. I love him but I need to fix myself and be stronger.
I gave back his ring and ended things. I returned all the gifts he gave too. He was offended by that, but I didn’t feel good about keeping the very expensive things he had given me. He makes a lot more than me and was very generous with what he gave me, but I can’t keep that now.
Sarah was quiet for a while but then started calling me. I ignored a lot of her calls but this morning I answered her call and told her about the breakup. I was looking for sympathy from my old friend. She was more interested in knowing if I was still going to watch her kid while she and Matt went on an overnight trip. She got pretty angry when I said no. I have blocked her now.
I have lost my fiance, my best friend and my relationship with my nephew whom I adored, all in one go. But still, I am thankful for the comments that showed this wasn’t something I could fix and helped me rip off the bandaid and walk away from this mess.
&nbsp;
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yqpe3m/update_my_26f_fiance_is_convinced_i_have_a_crush/) *posted on November 9, 2022*
**Update: My (26F) fiance is convinced I have a crush on my friend’s husband**
I wanted to thank all the people who commented and DMed good advice to me about my previous posts. I especially want to thank those who advised me about my job. I took up that suggestion and went and talked to the hiring manager, explaining that I was very passionate about the work but I couldn’t travel back then due to certain family responsibilities but I am able to travel now. He didn’t have that position open anymore, but he connected me with a manager in a different region. This job required relocating very far away and that seemed like a blessing at this point and I jumped on it. I am now in a new city and very grateful for leaving behind the mess that my relationships had become.
The fallback after my engagement broke was not pleasant. I don’t have a good relationship with my parents because they have always been very critical of me. This incident seemingly justified all their opinions of me and they crowed a lot about how I have ruined the only good thing I had managed in my life. Even though I explained what happened, the impression my family has is that Matt’s family tried to do a nice thing for me and I had a tantrum at their party and my fiance broke up with me because of my behavior. I am so grateful to my job for allowing me to move away from all these people.
My ex-SIL had called me a few times to talk to me but I avoided her for a very long time because I didn’t think I could deal with more criticism. I did agree to see her a few days before I moved. She wanted clarification on why we broke up because she said that the reason Jack had given her was so dumb she was convinced he wasn’t tell her the truth. She told me what he said and he had given her the correct details. I confirmed that’s what had happened and she was dumbfounded. I hadn’t realized this, but she liked me very much and thought well of me. I was so moved I cried, she might be the only person in real life who felt I wasn’t in the wrong.
She tried to convince me to talk to her brother and work this out. She was very disappointed to hear that I was moving away. Another reason I am glad for the relocation otherwise I’d have been tempted to agree to her setting up a meet. Later, Jack left me a message saying we should talk, but I haven’t responded to him. I moved and I am settling down in this new place. I am very busy with my new job and getting used to a very different lifestyle in this big city. I have thought about calling him but then I think I should let that lie and work on building a new life for me.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the OP**
*edit: changed mood spoiler* | 14,046 | "2022-12-05T18:02:02" | OOP's fiancé is convinced by her best friend that she has a crush on friend's husband | NEW UPDATE | Shelly_895 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zde8to/oops_fiancé_is_convinced_by_her_best_friend_that/ | false | false | [
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zdepwo | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/cute_quarter_9399 in r/weddingshaming**
trigger warnings: >!PPD, manipulation!<
---
&nbsp;
[**My sister is turning into the biggest bridezilla. And I can’t stop laughing.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/wqry1a/my_sister_is_turning_into_the_biggest_bridezilla/) - 17 August 2022
So, a little background. I am the second youngest of 5 kids. My older siblings are two brothers and one older sister, who we’ll call E for the purposes of this post.
E and I have a 5 year age gap, as a result we never really had that “sisterly” bond you would expect most sisters have. Growing up I was always a burden to her, and anytime it was my turn to pick the family movie (or really anything) she would get upset. The reason being that she had control issues as early as 9.
So I’m guessing you can already see where I’m going with this. I’m currently 18 (about to turn 19 - woohoo!) and E turned 24 earlier this year. Her bf “A” proposed to her at a family beach day earlier in June of this year. It was one of those “big white letters and rose pedals” proposals which he set up before my family arrived. She was thrilled, said yes, and my parents were very happy along with my older siblings (the youngest is 4 so I don’t think she understood what was happening).
Now here’s the drama - since the proposal she has gone into full bridezilla mode. At the behest of my mom, E made me a bridesmaid. So I’m roped into all the b.s. so far these are the demands my dear sister has made:
1. All bridesmaids are to pay for their own dress (a $300 dress! In blush pink), shoes, hair, and makeup.
2. All bridesmaids need to attend all wedding and bachelorette events, including:
a. The bachelorette spa day $800 each
B. The bachelorette vacation weekend to Toronto and stay at the Fairmont hotel $1000 weekend just for hotel
C. The dress appointments (even if just for bride), all alterations covered by the person themselves. $300 dress plus approx $300 alterations etc
D. All things to do with wedding (cake, venue, catering etc) they need to attend. The cake and food tasting, they all need to pay $25
E. The guests, and the bridal/groom party need to pay $150 to reserve their spots. And gifts have to be either cash, cheque, or from the list of registry items. She has a spreadsheet of what everyone is gifting, and has said she will return items that aren’t from her registry/match her theme
My mom says it’s bride anxiety, I say it’s just my sister trying to control everything because she wants a December wedding on a ski hill. Bleh 🤮
Anyways, I figure if people are interested, I could update periodically on what happens. Thanks for reading!
ETA: I realized I didn’t include the controlling parts. My bad. Here they are
1. All bridesmaids need to go to hair and skin appointments every 6 weeks to ensure our hair and skin is “flawless” for pictures, it’s out of pocket too
2. Anyone with tattoos needs to cover them (our dresses will do that. They go to the neck, ankles, and wrists. The bride wants to be the only one sleeveless/showing her tattoos and colourful hair style). Either we need to get our hair dyed to a natural colour, or wear a wig at our expense
3. The dresses only come in sizes 00-10 (pretty good range for most. But those who don’t fit are expected to try to lose weight. I’m a size 12, and already my sister is calling me fat. She’s sent me a keto diet book through Amazon.
4. No one (vendors) are to communicate directly to the bride/groom. It has to go through us first. She made a gmail with “lastnamewedding” which we all have access to, and we aren’t supposed to ask her if something is okay. We should just know (this is the part that stresses mom out)
5. We need to remind the guests that they need to pay a deposit of $150 to save their spot, and if we don’t get it, they don’t come. We also need them to confirm what they’ll purchase from the registry or the $ amount they’ll give.
Edit 2: y’all are making me realize my family isn’t normal. I’m going to look into therapy with my uni and seeing if I can move into residence earlier. I want to thank the person who private messaged me about getting my mom off my bank account and also get my birth certificate etc. I think I’m going to do that after I talk to the people at the bank.
I texted my mom (I’m at work right now) if her, dad, and I can talk about it while sister is gone to her fiancés for the night. I’m hoping to show my mom and dad this post to help them understand where I’m coming from
Edit 3: I’m going to take some time away from this alt - just because a lot of you are right. This isn’t normal, our relationship as a family is not normal. I called my aunt while I was at work (for those of you who don’t know, she’s my godmother, and she thinks my mom is nuts) and we talked about it. She’s encouraging me to talk to my parents about everything (not only the wedding, but favouritism etc since childhood) and she’s also on standby in case things go to shit.
My shift at work finishes in a few more hours, then I’ll go home and pack a quick bag of stuff for my aunt to grab before my parents and I talk.
&nbsp;
[**Update to “My sister is turning into a bridezilla and I can’t stop laughing”**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cute_Quarter_9399/comments/wxirsg/update_to_my_sister_is_turning_into_a_bridezilla/) - 25 August 2022
Firstly, I just wanted to apologize for how long this has taken. My parents originally planned to talk that night, but mom said she wasn’t feeling good and decided to go to sleep early (around 6 pm) and that feeling stayed for a while. We then got busy moving my sister into her fiancés place and by the time everything settled, my parents forgot we had something to discuss, and kinda brush it off to the side. We finally had the conversation two days ago and I needed a day to think and just react to things.
So without further adieu, here is the update.
As you can expect, the update isn’t the best. But not really for the reasons you might think. I don’t know if I have a text limit so apologies if there is a part 2 (link below)
So turns out my dad never knew the whole story, he knew he was responsible for paying for my sisters dress And a portion of the wedding or honey moon. The reason for this is that my parents told me (dad confirmed with bank records) that my parents had been setting up 25k accounts for myself and each of my siblings. The rule was that these accounts could be used for anything once we turned 19 and went off to post secondary. It was our money to use. I just turned 19 and my dad was getting ready to sign the money over to me when we had this conversation. Which caused a bit of a blow up, but right now I need to give some background info I was given.
Right after sister got engaged, she apparently had a conversation with my mom about how she always felt like the child left out (she’s used this line before so I do believe my mom fell for it and was guilt tripped). As a result of a very long conversation, my mom figured that she could divert some of the funds from all the kids accounts to pay for sisters wedding.
For those wondering, my two older brothers are in the military. They aren’t married yet, and live on base. They never used their 25k because the army in Canada pays for your education, housing etc. So my mom had 50k at her disposal. Then combined with my sisters and my 25k it would have been 100k. Mom figured that because I had 17k saved up, she could just give me my 25k later for a car or a house payment…or wedding (bleh)
Sister did this because again, she is a master manipulator (side note: thank you to the wonderful redditors who sent me to various sub reddits for narcissism and support along with those who sent articles on it to me) and possible narcissist. She used some of my moms mental and physical health conditions against her.
When I was born, mom went through very bad PPD, resulting in her leaving to a treatment facility for 4 months. Leaving my sister, two brothers, me, and dad behind. My two older brothers at the time were 9 and 7 at the time and me, only a few months. Sister for reference was 5 or just shy of 5 (I honestly don’t care to calculate), since my brothers were trouble my dad and his brother (my uncle) had his hands full, and a live in nanny did the stuff for me, so my sister had my aunt (who lived with us at the time) and got little to no attention from dad at an age where attention is important. I think that triggered the bad sides of her to come out.
While the nanny did help sister with basics (food, water, bath, clothes, a little play) she wasn’t a replacement for mom. Even my aunt wasn’t a replacement for mom despite her being there mainly for sister and sleeping in the same bed as her, helping her with homework, having girls trips etc.
When mom came back, sister had a huge grudge, but not to mom, but to me. I was the reason mom left. Which led to her trying to smother me with a pillow. Mom caught her in time and it was a “funny” story for us as a family. Turns out that’s a coping mechanism.
Over my childhood, sister has used manipulation to get what she wants, and she did it for the wedding too. Mom felt bad, and decided to give her little dove everything she desired. Common things I heard growing up were “you always give (me) XYZ! I want this!“ *proceeds to have a melt down* as sister grew up it wasn’t little toys and candy anymore. But girls trips. As a result of this, dad and I grew very close. He’s my best friend.
My sister and I had a decent relationship when I was 12-14, but it changed again when mom got pregnant with youngest sister (it was an accident lol) and I became the target again for sisters rage and abuse.
While I know it doesn’t excuse a lot of things, I figured it would be important to give you all the whole story. Since I forgot some very important details in my last post which I added later.
&nbsp;
[**Part 2 to update “my sister is turning into a bridezilla and I can’t stop laughing”**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cute_Quarter_9399/comments/wxiup0/part_2_to_update_my_sister_is_turning_into_a/) - 25 August 2022
So now with the back info done, here’s what happened:
A day after sister moved out I asked my mom and dad to please finally have the convo with me. Mom was feeling better so we sat down and we’re talking. I told them how I felt, how much of a financial toll it would be on me, how it wasn’t fair etc.
Well, Dad blew up. He didn’t know about the 100k, or the things sisters was doing etc. He didn’t like the fact that mom used a lot of “your father and I agree” talk even tho they hadn’t (I showed group chat screenshots). We worked through the wedding issue (I don’t have to attend) and the 25k for me issue (dad is signing it over early).
Then I was asked to go to my room for a bit because dad and mom wanted to talk. They settled the budget issue on their own. Dad then asked why I didn’t feel comfortable to talk to them earlier, so I showed them this post. My dad snapped. He immediately called my sister and told her to come here ASAP because he needed to talk to her and would not accept excuses. She said she would be here in 4 hours because she was with fiancé and his parents. Dad pressed, and she hung up and blocked him.
Dad told me to go to my room once again, but to leave my phone so they could go over the post and see the comments. I don’t know exactly what happened but mom came to talk to me later. She then told me about the PPD etc (I didn’t know about it earlier). We solved our issues and I finished by asking if sister would go to therapy. Because moms convinced that the 4 month leave caused this stuff in her, mom said she’d try, but can’t force. I told her if sister doesn’t go, I’m going NC with her and possibly LC with mom.
Dad then joined the convo and assured me I would get my money, and I wouldn’t have to go to wedding if I didn’t want to. Since sister is charging $150 per guest, she can pay for her grandios wedding through that. Soon to be BIL and his family aren’t paying for shit apparently, so now they have to or sister doesn’t get to have her ski hill wedding.
Speaking of the $150 fee, y’all were right. It was sister who concocted the whole thing and told mom it was an Italian thing. We talked to sisters MIL when she dropped sister off (sister doesn’t drive) and MIL was shocked that Sister had said that. There is apparently a money dance, but no $150 fee.
So onto what happened when sister came back. She came after 5 hours, and while MIL was there she was sweet as pie. But when MIL left, oh lord the gates to hell broke lose. She demanded why dad disturbed the peaceful evening and demanded he drive her back. Dad said he didn’t care and to sit down. She refused, they fought. Finally she sat down after dad started pulling out various tricks. Including money or telling MIL about sisters true nature (which I guess fiancé hasn’t seen much of)
I was excused to my room again. There was a lot of angry yelling back and forth and a lot of manipulation from sister, including threats of LC/NC or no seeing possible grand kids in the future. She was trying to get mom to go back to original plan (100k plan) and mom and dad weren’t budging.
The fighting continued and stopped when my dad yelled saying mom isn’t her punching bag and her PPD was not her fault and if she was that angry about it, go to therapy.
After that I was called back down, and we went over all the issues. Starting with the Keto book, sister tried to defend saying i was fat and lazy, dad defended me. Sister started to cry and mom told dad to be a little softer, which he did. We finally discussed everything and I felt like part of the family instead of like a punching bag. Sister eventually got an Uber and left because she was “being attacked”. We’re going to wait until Christmas time when brothers are back in town so we can all discuss what we need as a family to go forward and be healthy. But it will most likely be therapy or cutting sister out.
Mom and dad are still figuring out the full budget issue with my sisters in-laws. My parents told them that for such a wedding to happen everyone would need to contribute. In-laws agreed that 100,000 for a wedding is insane. Last I heard, sister will get her 15k for the wedding, which is basically 5k because 10k dress (since it’s already ordered - the other 10k is being held for something tangible) and then her in-laws are being generous and helping with 15 K. 10 to wedding 5 to honeymoon.
As for my schooling, Dad and I are going to the bank tomorrow and we’re going to pay the cancellation fee for the loan I had to take out. The loan only officially starts when I start school so thankfully the cancellation fee is very small. My dad is paying for the fee because he admits that I should’ve never had had to take the loan out. My parents agreed that my first year of university along with housing costs will not come out of my budget (the 17k or the 25k) so they will pay themselves. The full amount that they budgeted for me is going to be transferred into something called a TFSA for later in life.
Well mom and I still have a somewhat rocky relationship, sister absolutely hates me. She blamed me for everything, and said that I have caused irreparable damage to her relationship with her fiancé and in-laws. Because of this, she’s banned me from the wedding and from her life. I honestly don’t care, I don’t really see it as losing a sister I see it as losing a bully. I made a promise to my mom and dad that I would never treat my younger sister like that. I’m going to be the role model she deserves and I’m going to be her protector like my brothers and my father were for me.
I think I covered everything that needs to be covered but if you guys have any questions feel free to ask them. I’m very thankful for the sub Reddit for teaching me what a real family is about, and for teaching me about boundaries and communication.
Have an amazing life you gorgeous humans.
&nbsp;
[**3 month post update to “my sister is turning into a bridezilla and I can’t stop laughing”**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cute_Quarter_9399/comments/ywwrut/3_month_post_update_to_my_sister_is_turning_into/) - 16 November 2022
Hey everyone! Figured I would update you since it’s been a very long time. I apologize, i lost the log in to this account but just found it.
So onto the update.
Family therapy is going really well, my two brothers were given temporary leave to come back to Canada (they were both stationed overseas for a bit, i believe they have to go back after this) to help the process along. Our family is getting back on track and my mom and I are closer then ever! It honestly feels like I have my best friend back.
As for my sister, honestly, i don’t know what’s going on with her. A friend of mine still follows her social media, and everything seems well. The wedding was moved up to November 26th instead of December 17th like she originally planned. Her and her fiancé have bought a place. Apparently (and this is rumours) she’s pregnant.
She’s cut all of us off, and her fiancés family is talking shit about us, but we’re holding strong.
In other, more exciting news, I’m loving Ottawa! I go back home once a month for in person therapy, but I also have three virtual sessions monthly. On top of that, my oldest brother is getting married! So while I lost a terrible sister, i gained an amazing sister. She’s so sweet, texts me every couple of days, gets me Uber eats orders when I’m down despite being provinces away. She’s so so sweet. She asked if I would feel comfortable being her MOH (she’s an only child and her mom passed away) and I agreed. So by this time next year I’ll have an official new sister!
There’s not a whole lot else to say, but I also have a boyfriend. He’s in the army too (couldn’t get away from it I guess 😅) and very supportive and loving. Our 6 month anniversary is in January, and I’m looking forward to it.
Anyways thank you so much Reddit, you are all amazing, beautiful, soulful humans and I hope you all have prosperous, healthy, and fruitful lives.
I love you all
Sincerly,
Cute_Quarter_9399
P.s i might delete this account
&nbsp;
[**Post wedding update to “my sister is turning into a bridezilla and I can’t stop laughing”**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cute_Quarter_9399/comments/z64xlo/post_wedding_update_to_my_sister_is_turning_into/) - 27 November 2022
Hello everyone!
A lot of people wanted to know what happened at the wedding yesterday. So I shall provide the update.
My family and I were banned from going, but my cousins and friends in her now husbands family filled me it.
So not a whole lot happened at the ceremony. The MOG (Mother of Groom) showed up in an off white dress, and a few people brought their kids despite it being a child free ceremony. But no true drama happened until the reception.
I somewhat feel bad for my sister because of this, but the MOG invited one of the grooms’s ex’s (I guess to hope that it would break them up?) but it didn’t work. She tried to get between my sister and her now husband but her husband (and I give him props for this) told her to leave.
Honestly all around it wasn’t dramatic, they made it to the alter and are leaving for their honeymoon today or tomorrow.
But one thing that was confirmed is my sister is definitely pregnant. At the end of the wedding speeches, the groom said his, with a slide show, and the last slide was an ultrasound picture and “baby Lastname due June 2023”
Sorry it isn’t much of an update.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,123 | "2022-12-05T18:17:46" | [NEW UPDATE] My sister is turning into the biggest bridezilla. And I can’t stop laughing. | NEW UPDATE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdepwo/new_update_my_sister_is_turning_into_the_biggest/ | false | false | [
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zdh6q9 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T19:41:44" | I write a pseudonymous blog. Someone posed as me and got a book deal. I've been ordered to hand over my website. | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdh6q9/i_write_a_pseudonymous_blog_someone_posed_as_me/ | false | false | [
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zdiv0x | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T20:38:22" | Physically hurt me? Face the wrath of my mum + update | NEW UPDATE | Ok_Bid4238 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdiv0x/physically_hurt_me_face_the_wrath_of_my_mum_update/ | false | false | [
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zdiyjj | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-05T20:41:40" | I write a pseudonymous blog. Someone posed as me and got a book deal. I've been ordered to hand over my website. | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdiyjj/i_write_a_pseudonymous_blog_someone_posed_as_me/ | false | false | [
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zdk8e7 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ceaseblogging in r/legaladvice**
mood spoiler: >!frustrating!<
---
&nbsp;
[**I write a pseudonymous blog. Someone posed as me and got a book deal. I've been ordered to hand over my website.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5uzlut/i_write_a_pseudonymous_blog_someone_posed_as_me/) - 19 February 2017
For the last three years, I've written a parenting blog under a pseudonym. It started out small, but over time I've developed a decent sized audience. It's not huge, but it's respectable. I write entirely about my family and my life.
A completely surreal thing happened this week and it's escalated to the point that I know I need to contact an attorney. But it's a long weekend and I can't seem to get in touch with anyone. I'm hoping to get some advice here in the interim.
Earlier in the week, I started receiving a couple emails from readers congratulating me on my book deal. This came as news to me, because I've never tried to get a book deal. I asked the readers where they heard this, and they pointed me towards a couple news releases that ultimately led back to a small publishing outfit. According to the publisher, my pseudonym will be writing a book on parenting, life, and other topics. Also according to the publisher, my blog would be moving to a new site to better integrate with the book. It reeked of rebranding.
I immediately contacted the publisher and basically asked "what the fuck??" Within a day, I received a cease and desist email from a law firm on behalf of the publisher. From the letter and a few follow up emails, this is what I have pieced together:
Some deranged person decided to claim that THEY were the one who wrote under my pseudonym. This person contacted the publisher and worked out a book deal. This person told the publisher that I was a paid ghost writer who occasionally helped with posts and managed the website. This person warned the publisher that I had become disgruntled because I was supposedly informed that I would be let go in a few weeks once the book deal went through. The publisher was warned that I might try to retaliate. The publisher was told that when I learned the book deal was final, I locked the "real author" out of her own website and that I was now holding it hostage.
I was warned that I had to immediately turn access of the blog over to the publisher or risk further legal and civil penalties. I've been warned that any further posts made under the pseudonym will compound the damages because the pseudonym now belongs to the publisher and I was fired by the "real author."
I'm baffled and scared. What's uniquely worrisome is that the firm somehow knows my real name. The cease and desist is addressed to me. I have no idea how they obtained that information.
Because of the threats, I've decided to go radio silent on my blog. I usually post once a day, but I haven't posted anything since Wednesday night. In the mean time, the new blog has posts. It's weird and creepy and just plain scary because they are posts where someone is pretending to be me. I've seen my traffic take a nose-dive as it appears many of my readers have found the new blog over the last few days.
I'm hoping to reach a lawyer on Tuesday, but in the mean time, what can I do? Beyond the bizarre happenings with the blog, I'm beginning to be nervous about my own safety. I'm in Virginia.
&nbsp;
**Comment on post:**
>Commenter: Not legal advice: Why not put up a blog post telling your readers what is going on, so that they stop switching over to the new site?
>
>OOP: In my communications with the firm, I was warned that any post made on behalf of the pseudonym would only add to the damages I would be facing. They claim to own all rights to the blog. Rather than open myself up to further legal trouble, I've gone quiet until I can talk with an attorney. But my readership is plummeting in the meantime.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: I write a pseudonymous blog. Someone posed as me and got a book deal. I've been ordered to hand over my website.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5wbgc1/update_i_write_a_pseudonymous_blog_someone_posed/) - 26 February 2017
Thank you for all the advice to my last post. I especially appreciate the supportive private messages I received from IT experts and fellow mommy bloggers.
As for the update, unfortunately this problem has become too complicated for me to fight and I've chosen to walk away. I know this does not make much sense at first, but there are many personal considerations that have gone into my decision.
In the comments to my last post, I alluded to being worried about the financial security of my family. What I did not mention is that much of this fear comes from the fact that my mother in law was recently diagnosed with a serious (though hopefully treatable) disease. My family and the families of my in-laws are helping her through this difficult period.
But the difficulties are more than financial. This has been a very emotionally trying time for my husband and my children. Prior to this legal problem, my husband and I had discussions about me reducing my blogging or stepping back entirely for a stretch. The amount of time it took to write for my blog is honestly time that I need to put towards supporting my family right now.
So one consideration in my decision to not pursue a legal fight was the money and (more importantly) the time it would take. Although my husband and I figured the money would work itself out, especially if our case was as strong as everyone here said it was.
But the real reason I decided not to fight the publisher is this: I wrote things on my blog about my in-laws (including my MIL) under the assumption that I was writing anonymously. I was never mean, but I did state some difficult truths about their behavior and unintentional emotional manipulation.
We came to the conclusion that any effort to fight the publisher carried with it too great a risk that I would be outed publicly as the author of the blog. Given that emotions are running high now that we are all caring for my MIL, it would be devastating if my in-laws became aware of my writing. This concern settled the issue for us.
The publisher filed a DMCA complaint against my blog. Thanks to the advice of everyone here, I made a backup of all my writing for myself. Strangely enough, a (very poorly formatted) archive of old posts also appeared on the new blog run by the impostor and the publisher. It looks like they just used copy and paste. I sent an email to the lawyers saying that while I was not conceding ownership of the blog or of my posts, I would not be fighting them at this time. They want me to sign some papers, but I have told them that I will not do that. They seem to have backed off.
Honestly, I am heartbroken to lose my blog, but I would be more heartbroken if it became something that would create a rupture in my family as we try to support my MIL.
Thank you again to everyone. Hopefully somewhere down the road I can begin writing anew.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,548 | "2022-12-05T21:24:09" | I write a pseudonymous blog. Someone posed as me and got a book deal. I've been ordered to hand over my website. | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdk8e7/i_write_a_pseudonymous_blog_someone_posed_as_me/ | false | false | [
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zdmgwo | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/betrayedbywifen in r/relationship_advice**
mood spoiler: >!infuriating!<
---
&nbsp;
[**My wife tried to hide my daughter from me. Am I wrong to feel this angry?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/bty3oi/my_wife_tried_to_hide_my_daughter_from_me_am_i/) - 28 May 2019
My wife and I are married together and have three kids (11, 8, 3).
When I was in my 20s I donated sperm as there is a massive shortage in my country (I literally donated after reading about this shortage in the newspaper). I've always been upfront about this fact with me wife. Always. And she has always said she's okay with it.
Fast forward to yesterday I answer the phone to a girl that immediately starts nervously apologising for calling me, but that she "had to speak with me personally." Obviously I have no idea what the fuck is going on, so I ask her to explain what she's talking about.
Turns out this girl is my daughter (I understand it's wrong to call her my daughter when I didn't raise her, but for lack of a better word...) and just turned 18. After turning 18 she got access to my contact details as required under my country's law regarding sperm donors. She called my house last week to talk to me and my wife picked up. Apparently my wife told her that I wanted "nothing to do with her" and that she should "never call this number again" before hanging up.
Honestly broke my heart to hear that the woman I loved could be so fucking heartless. So for the last week this poor girl has been crying her eyes out trying to work up the courage to call again, and thankfully she did so when I was home.
I tried to keep my calm while on the phone and reassure her that I did not say any of that. We organised a place/time to meet, and as soon as my wife got home later that night I blew up at her. Honestly, I've NEVER yelled at anyone as long as I can remember, but I couldn't hold it in.
Am I wrong to think that's so severely fucked up of my wife to do? I honestly can't comprehend how she could say that. I'm not thinking straight and need some advice on how to deal with this.
&nbsp;
[**[update] My wife tried to hide my daughter from me. Am I wrong to feel this angry?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/bv0pmy/update_my_wife_tried_to_hide_my_daughter_from_me/) - 31 May 2019
Hesitant to post an update after how infuriating some of the replies in the previous thread were, but figure I owe it to those of you that offered genuine well meaning advice. Plus I've had some time to calm down. I probably wont reply to comments because otherwise I'm just going to get worked up again by people saying my wife didn't betray my trust etc.
If you're a woman and are going to say it's "understandable" what my wife did, then consider how you'd feel if you put a kid up for adoption when you were young, that kid tried to reach out when they turned 18... And your husband told them you wanted nothing to with them without ever telling you they tried to reach out. It's not "understandable".
--------------------
Wife texted me yesterday and said we "needed to talk" while I was at work. This was the first time either of us had spoken or messaged each other since the fight. I dropped our kids off at my parents' house so we could be alone and went straight home. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting her to say, but I genuinely hoped she would at least apologise first and foremost. Because in my opinion she severely betrayed my trust by not only denying my agency, but also lying to me about it, and then downplaying the entire ordeal.
When I get home and we sit down to talk the first thing she says is that she "forbids" me from seeing this young woman. Not an apology. An ultimatum that if I went and saw her, she would kick me out of the house (which is laughable considering I owned the house before marrying her...)
I asked her if she was serious. If she isn't even going to apologise etc, and she reaffirmed she has nothing to apologise for. Yeah, okay. At this point I remembered someone's comment in that post about how she might have done this before. I asked her if she has ever done anything like this previously and she said no. I kept pushing her and she kept saying no.
Finally I told her that I had already called the fertility clinic to reach out to any parents and explain what my wife had done in case they had tried to contact me previously (not sure what has come of that yet). I explain that if I find out she has and she doesn't come clean now, I'm divorcing her immediately. She immediately changes tune and says she has "only" done it one other time. "Only". Fuck, that "only" infuriated me even though it's just a god damn word.
Anyway turns out another girl called a couple years back after she turned 18 too. Her parents are lesbians and so she just wanted to meet her biological father since she doesn't have a father of her own (according to my wife, so take it with a grain of salt at this point). I tend to believe what she's saying, as the original girl also has lesbian parents and wanted to meet me for the same reason.
She wouldn't say **exactly** what she said to this young women, but she did say she made sure she'd stay away from our family. I mean, at least my wife was finally honest with me, but Jesus Christ what a fucking heartless thing to do.
I feel like I don't even know my wife. The woman I thought I married had some fucking empathy.
She still hasn't apologised and goes back to "forbidding" me from seeing this young woman. I explained she no longer has a say in the matter. Had she explained her concerns to me like an adult, I would have listened to them and taken them seriously. But by trying to deny me having any choice in the matter, and for being needlessly cruel to these girls, she doesn't get a say in this anymore.
I told her she has 7 days to give me a genuine apology and agree to marriage counselling, or I would call a divorce lawyer. I also reaffirmed she doesn't get a say in whether I meet with this girl, but I would consider her feelings if any future kids reach out (and she doesn't fucking lie about it).
A few hours later she "apologised". I say "apologised" in quotes because it was clearly not genuine. But whatever, it's at least an admission of guilt. So we're going to to marriage counselling and try to work through this.
Tbh though, I don't think I'll ever see her the same way again. So I have doubts our marriage will last.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 10,393 | "2022-12-05T22:38:09" | My wife tried to hide my daughter from me. Am I wrong to feel this angry? | INCONCLUSIVE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdmgwo/my_wife_tried_to_hide_my_daughter_from_me_am_i/ | false | false | [
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zdpw2g | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/gigglyfrosting in r/tifu**
Trigger warning: Funny
**[TIFU by drunk texting my crush](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/eg3efi/tifu_by_drunk_texting_my_crush/)**
Posted Dec. 27Th 2019
I just woke up to the bunch of texts I might have sent my crush last night while I was drunk, and he didn't reply yet, and uhm, how bad do you expect things to go?
This was what I texted him: (rectified the grammatical errors to make this sound more coherant.)
"I might be quite drunk. I mean I must be, I just had loads of beers, more than my system could handle. And I just want to tell you that I like you, although I tried so hard to make myself believe that I don't, because when my stupid mind realises how I feel, it turns me into this super weird version of myself, it's like being lactose intolerant and drinking a whole big jar of milk, and I didn't want you to see me like that, because then it would ruin the whole thing. So I tried to be your friend, and now we're friends and we have so much in common and its going so well so far, but I think the beers spilled the beans to my mind and now I'm texting you that I like you. Hehe. Oops."
Yes I ended that with a ''hehe. oops" I want the ground to swallow me up.
P.S: One week ago he texted me something extremely random, irrelevant to our last conversation, while he was high, and when I asked him about it he said he doesn't know, so do you think this settles the record? (I know it doesn't, but I'm trying to make it seem like I'm not the only idiot in this, mind you.)
P.S2: Will delete this later because he's on reddit too.
TL;DR I drunk texted my crush that I liked him.
**[TIFUpdate by drunk texting my crush](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/eg89rd/tifupdate_by_drunk_texting_my_crush/)**
Posted Dec. 27Th 2019
Late update to my last tifu! He texted me back ''Sounds like we also have texting our crushes while being out of it in common" So I said "So we have being idiots in common, too" and he said "Yes, although I can't compete with the drunk you. Too cute, I can't even."
He suggested we'd go for sushi after lecture, and everything is going well. Amazingly well, actually. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS, I'M EXTREMELY HAPPY RIGHT NOW, so I thought I'd come back and share my joy with everyone. Also, on a side note, and as you all have told me, life is too short not to drunk text your crush while you're knocked out by beer. Do it. Always. Stimulate your inner genius.
P.S: The only drawback I could mention, is that he just said "Hey there, lactose intolerance" when he picked up my phone call, so that'll probably stick with me for quite a while. Awesome.
TL;DR HE'S INTO ME TOO
**[TIFUpdate by drunk texting my crush, THREE YEARS LATER!](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/z5dvj9/tifupdate_by_drunk_texting_my_crush_three_years/)**
Posted Nov. 26Th 2022
A very late update to my tifu I made three years ago!
I'm writing this post to eternalize this moment on reddit as today is my wedding day to the same guy I drunkly correlated liking him to having a lactose intolerance.
I rushed to reddit to be reassured about my dumb ass move and all of you have been so supportive and have even asked for an update! The past three years were really really great in a broad way, it wasn't perfect, and we had our ups and downs but I'm genuinely happy right now! I'm glad I fucked up, and I wish for all of you to fuck up and to keep fucking up despite how awful it might turn out (okay to some limit, I mean)
Also, he told me that he requested that they would write "Happy wedding day to us Lactose Intolerance! Hey don't write that, her name is Alex", on our wedding cake. Will post pictures if that turns out to be true lol. Also Bojack Horseman reference in case no one noticed.
TLDR: IM GETTING MARRIED
**Reminder - I am not the OP**
**OP here. I would like to that all the kind Redditors who gave me awards. It's much appreciated.** | 12,889 | "2022-12-06T00:42:24" | TIFU by drunk texting my crush [With update three years later] | CONCLUDED | Internal_Ranger3351 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdpw2g/tifu_by_drunk_texting_my_crush_with_update_three/ | false | false | [
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zdum32 | [removed] | 2 | "2022-12-06T04:00:57" | Parents and Entitled Brother Who Cannot Handle Birthday Parties (+ other stories) | INCONCLUSIVE | opinionswelcomehere | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zdum32/parents_and_entitled_brother_who_cannot_handle/ | false | false | [
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ze44cz | Originally posted by u/disguntledbbsitter in r/aitah on Nov 27, '22, updated Nov 28.
Trigger Warning: >!Homophobia, rape, assault!<
[Original Post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/z6bwr0/aita_for_refusing_to_have_anything_to_do_with_my/)
AITA for refusing to have anything to do with my sister’s kids anymore?
So, my [32F] sister [27F] has two boys [12M and 9M] that my parents and sometimes me offer to help take care of because my sister ended having them way too young and both for… tragic reasons that she and her boys are taking therapy for.
But I personally can’t stand these two boys because of how they treat me and everyone else so cruelly, while pretending to be nice around my parents and my sister; both being a terror for reasons below:
12M is a social bully, and a particularly sexist one at that. He’s more harsher to women by making more “honest” comments about women and likes to point out “differences” between men and women in social standards; but he mostly likes to belittle people regardless of gender and seems to enjoy making people angry or cry. He also gets into trouble a lot with his comments, and some of it even bordering criminal as well, but he’s so good at hiding and explaining his behaviors that he ends up getting away scot-free or having very minor punishments.
9M is more a physical terror. He’s so emotional unstable (which my family somehow excuses it as “temper tantrums”) and just a physical threat in general. He’s usually so angry and mostly screams at people whenever he gets mad at something. He even goes as far as to hurt other people (and even goes as far as animals too) mostly indirectly-by either throwing stuff NEAR their general direction (and sometimes at them) or to do things like punching and kicking things around him whenever he gets in a “mood.”
My final straw for both of them is when 12M decided to act homophobic toward me when he found out that I was dating a woman when I introduced her to the family by burning a rainbow flag in front of us, and 9M (who was angry for us for some reason) decided to swing the burning flag AT US which caused me and my now ex-GF some minor first degree burns from the attack.
After this incident, I told my family that I was done with the boys and I refuse to have anything to do with them any more after this, because of how much of a menace they are to me.
However, my family thinks that I’m being too cruel because the boys are just children who needs people to love and guide them. My sister, in particular, is upset about this because she sees this as potential abandonment from her and her boys; and try to reason that, like us, the boys are also going through a mentally rough time and abandoning them is going to cause them more mental harm.
My friends, to an extend, agrees with my family but also states that they understand why I would want some time off. So they have been very neutral about the whole thing.
*Notable Comments:*
>NTA. You are not required to set yourself on fire (or be set on fire) for these two monsters. They are a danger to society and I would report what they did to the police and CPS. I am sure that your ex-GF would back you reporting it to the authorities. The time has come to have the authorities start building a record of the criminal and dangerous activities. Better to deal with the authorities now then when they both reach legal age. There are most likely prison cells awaiting them in their future.
>Your sister is going to continue to cover for them which will enable their behavior to grow worse. They will grow big enough that your family will not be able to physically handle them.
>I would make it clear in writing to your family that the boys are not ever allowed on your home again. Furthermore, you will never attend any family function that they are at ever again.
>You might want to warn any other family members if they are not aware of the full extent of their behavioral issues.
>I would go NC with your parents and sister because they will be your nephews flying monkeys. Protect yourself and live your best life.
>>Does that not count as like a hate crime and assault?? I'm surprised everyone is okay with that! That's awful! You're not an ah at all. Honestly, if the family is okay with this behavior and thinks nothing wrong I would cut contact with them!
*Lots of comments saying this is assault, contact the police, contact CPS, contact the kids therapist*
[Update 1 day later ](https://www.reddit.com/user/disguntledbbsitter/comments/z7miaq/update_aita_for_refusing_to_have_anything_to_do/)
I just wanted to apologize for not being able to respond to any of the comments so far, because I’ve honestly been so busy and tired with dealing with the aftermath of the situation that just happened.
And I feel like I should also give more details/background story about the whole situation. When I meant that the boys came from tragic backgrounds… well, it’s because they did:
1) Her oldest son, the 12 year old (or 12M as I’ll call him), is undoubtedly the favorite of her two sons. 12M was a result of my sister accidentally getting pregnant at the age of 14-year-old freshman when her 17-year-old senior boyfriend persuaded her to sleep with him. When he found out that she was pregnant with 12M, he basically rejected his own son and even went as far as to try to emancipate his rights to be the father of the child… which he actually succeeded when he turned 18 when he was no longer under his parent’s legal control and basically left and ghosted her immediately afterwards.
Afterwards, her ex-BF’s parents did end up taking custody of 12M, but they basically ended up trying their best to actively bar my sister from trying to see her son, which results in a really intensive custody battle between my sister’s ex-BF’s parents vs my parents, sister, and even me.
It took about 8 years of some hard-earned fighting, but my family was eventually able to win custody after too many cases of her ex-BF’s father’s physical abuse of the boy which he tried to claim was “discipline” and try to excuse himself that it’s not bad because her ex-BF’s father’s an “traditional old man” and that he never fished out anything “that the boy couldn’t take.” Which, obviously, doesn’t fly in the eyes of the court.
But I really believe that the abuse that that he experienced from his paternal side of the family really messed him up and ended up turning him into the way that he is now.
2) As far as her 9-year-old son (whom I will call 9M), my sister has a more complicated relationship with him due to the nature of how he was born. 9M was born out of an unfortunate event that happened during my sister’s senior prom where she ended up drinking too much to the point where she passed out… and was basically taken advantage of and gang-banged by a bunch of her male classmates when she wasn’t conscious; and only ended up finding about this when someone showed her a video of her… basically getting raped by a bunch of men.
Of course, with the video as proof, my family was able to press charges against all of the male classmates that we could recognize in the video (and even a few who wasn’t all that recognizable but was “outed” by fellow peers), and many of them are even in prison for sexual assault as well.
But as a result, my sister was severely traumatized by the whole thing, and it was made even worse when she found out that she was pregnant with 9M. We never ended up finding out who his biological father was, because my sister couldn’t handle the trauma of her rape as well as not wanting to know who he might be.
And so, because of the whole circumstances, my younger sister really had a difficult time even looking or loving 9M at first; although now, she’s doing better about it since my sister claiming that 9M slowly looking more like the rest of our family is somehow helping her disassociate 9M from the tragedy that happened- in addition to my sister and 9M going to therapy together as well.
However, I really think that 9M may still have some leftover issues over the fact that his mother originally had a difficult time loving him IN ADDITION to my sister seemingly loving 12M “more” since my sister spend so long and more time trying to get custody of 12M more than spending time with 9M at first.
Now back to present time, I did end up taking some of your guy’s advice and ended up contacting my ex-GF again to both apologize and see if we can file a police report against the boys… although I was surprised that not only did she end up already filing one against the boys, but also one against
ME and the rest of the family for supposedly being an “accomplice” to the crime. This is also mixed in with my family getting mad at me for both the charges that my ex-GF is pressing AND at me for even considering pressing charges against the boys myself. With them saying that they are so angry and disappointed in me for getting them into trouble by me introducing such an “evil person” like my ex-GF who is pressing charges against them and at me for considering pressing charges against (gasps) children? They have also stated that they are even willing to consider completely disown me -including in the will and all- if this whole thing ends up with my family losing custody of the kids.
So, now with me having to deal with the charges myself from my ex-GF who is reasonably mad that I ended up getting her hurt along with my family blaming me for causing them so much trouble…Yeah, everything sucks and I am just so tired right now. I’ll probably give an update later after everything settles down, but that’s it for now. | 3,735 | "2022-12-06T11:29:59" | Woman Wants Her Nephews Out Of Her Life (Nov 27, '22 AITAH) | ONGOING | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ze44cz/woman_wants_her_nephews_out_of_her_life_nov_27_22/ | false | false | [
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ze5bh3 | Originally posted by u/miteconomicsphd in r/TrueOffMyChest on May 17, '22
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/urnrsr/i_finally_have_fuck_you_money_and_it_feels_good/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I finally have 'fuck you' money and it feels good!!!
Not "F--k Off" money, but definitely "F--K YOU" money.
I debated posting this because so many people are hurting right now. But I can't tell anyone else. I'm busting to tell someone.
I'd like to thank my PHD professors who pushed me to buy crypto back in 2014. I purchased a few thousand crypto coins and tucked the wallet away in a safe. Prior to last week, I did not touch this wallet since late 2015. Over the past two weeks I sold all my crypto. I just wanted out. We are struggling to keep up with daycare costs, which keep increasing, and my wife hates her career. She wants to spend more time with the kids. Our mental health and marriage was going downhill as we balance two high demand careers with raising kids. I told her I had this wallet but I had NO idea what the value was until it all sold. She about passed out when I told her to open our bank account app. I just sat in my office and cried. All the financial stress leaving my body. Money will never be an issue again.
Our CPA has carved out taxes already and our financial advisor is setting up our kids future. He's also set up our retirement and paying off all our debts (we have minimal). It was important that at least 25% (if not more) of it goes to help people in our community. So our CPA is working on that carve out as well. Ever since I met my wife (2015) she has talked about working for a charity. She is literally glowing at all the prospects of helping people. One of the first things she said when she saw the balance was "do you have any idea how many people we can help?" I'm so excited to see her excited again. I'm also excited for what she will accomplish.
As for my job, I'm a tenured professor so I already had minimal fucks to give. This just erased any final fucks that may be lingering around.
I should note that per my financial advisor I did keep 200 coins in crypto. We are typically conservative spenders. I think the only thing that will really change is that we can finally afford to travel as a family (three kids) and we can afford to bring a nanny along as well. This will allow mom and dad to escape when we need too. We are so lucky.
UPDATE:
RIP my inbox. Thanks all. I don't want to get into the details on the crypto, although it appears I had some dates off. First purchases were back in 2011, last purchase early 2015. I don't want to give anymore details than that since crypto is gambling. I was just lucky. Also, yes I sold in a crypto dip, which is why my advisor has me holding coins. I really felt like my family was going down a spiral. We needed some relief. We don't need to be 'fuck you' rich, we just needed to be financially secure. My advisor and CPA helped me with my decision. It was well thoughtout. The opportunity cost of holding (marriage, kids, mental health, etc.) was too high. I left a lot of money on the table but I'm okay with that.
Also, today, we paid off all the student lunch debt at our local school system. It wasn't much at all, but we heard some kids were being denied lunch because of debt.
*This was a short update, but seeing that they paid off all the student lunch debt for their local schools gave me hope for humanity and wanted to share it* | 10,048 | "2022-12-06T12:23:06" | OP Finally Has F*ck You Money & Uses It For Good (May 17, '22) | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ze5bh3/op_finally_has_fck_you_money_uses_it_for_good_may/ | false | false | [
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ze8v0x | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/dontknowndontcare in r/trueoffmychest.
Trigger Warnings - >!abuse, stalking!<
Mood Spoiler - >!he gets it back!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yxj5bm/my_now_ex_girlfriend_deleted_my_3_yr_minecraft/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (17 Nov 22)
**my (now ex) girlfriend deleted my 3+ yr minecraft world**
titles says it but i just need to talk about it
that minecraft world was so op and had so much building in it that reminded me of my dear friend that passed of cancer last year who would play with me on that world. that world had so much special memories to me. and it was gone in seconds. i never cried much but this made me cry.
me and my friend worked so much to get where we were. we build the most stupidest shit and had so much fun in the mix.
and it was over because a stupid disagreement me and my ex had. i broke up with her on the spot.
i miss my pal and that world was honestly the only thing i had left of him
>!it'd be repetitive to post the other update if i post the entire original post w the edits so I've cropped the original post!<
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yxyv15/update_my_now_ex_girlfriend_deleted_my_3_yr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (19 Nov 22)
**"(update) my (now ex) girlfriend deleted my 3+ yr minecraft world**
hey everyone i want to say something before i get to what this post is baout. thank yall for feeling the pain i do and trying to help me.
now for the update;
my ex texted me after i kicked her out telling me how sorry she is for doing that, how petty she was and how much she didnt mean to do that and wanted to get back together. i told her that i will never forgive her for what she did and the pain she caused and i will never get back together and then i blocked her. we were together for only a few months and she knew how much that world meant to me.
and i do us pc so i am going to do what yall had said to do and try to get my world back. also i havent ever thought about deleting that world, more so when my friend died because blood sweat and actully tears went to that world, it was my safe spot with my friend i knew him for nearly 6 years and was there when he found out he had cancer. he was a friend and my brother and he was always so happy and joyful and that world proved how much he was has a person. i got drunk and went to his grave and cried my heart out.
thank yall so very much for the help. i will update if it works. again thank all of yall for understanding how much this means.
Edit/update; from the help of a lot of people on reddit i got my world back. i owe a lot ot the people that helped and everyone else <3
edit; she wasnt living with me but found the og post, cussed me out. had her friend telling me how shitty i am. came to my apartment to scream at me, woken everyone up on my floor. tried to hit me and tell the cops i hit her but thankfully the lady next to me saw everything. so yeah pretty damn nuts for the pass day didn think she was crazy
edit; i saw my story on tik tok today and a lot of people seemed to say the same thing "should have backed up your world"... i never though of ever deleting that world- like ever. i didnt make a back up for that reason because again- i never thought of deleting to world- so just try to understand why. other than that i died laughing at some of the comments like one guy said "she going to see your friend" yall funny has hell for that- was fucked up but i gotta give it to that person. other than that people were pretty nice and showing support and being nice but seriously thanks everyone:)
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yz61nr/another_update_to_my_now_ex_girlfriend_deleted_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (19 Nov 22)
**(another) update to my (now ex) girlfriend deleted my 3+ yr minecraft world**
hey everyone its me again lol.
so i have to get a restraining order against my ex now. she followed me while i was taking my dogs for a walk(which is around an hour) came to my apartment again- to return hoodies she poured glitter on and ripped up. and also put a note say how a shitty person like me needs their shitty things back(the hoodies are replaceable) and told my friends i cheated with my best pals wife(my pals trans and his wife doesnt like cis men)
so yeah this might be the last time i update for a bit im staying at my parents place for a a couple of days while things get situated and having a good friend of mine stay at my apartment and watch over my dogs(im sad i couldnt bring them)
so to my ex if your seeing this you brought this on YOURSELF. i was nice enough but you crossed lines.
edit: hey peoples back for a little bit. so the court date is monday im finally getting that done with and nothing much had happened. im back home for today to get my dogs then go back to my parents house for thanksgiving.
anyways stay safe out there everyone:)
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z7lc48/final_update_my_gf_deleted_my_3_yr_minecraft_world/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (29 Nov 22)
**(final update) my gf deleted my 3+ yr minecraft world**
hey everyone this is gonna be my final update to this but shit hit the fan. so firstly i want to say sorry these past few weeks have been crazy including the holiday which was amazing (hope urs was too) but my ex is in jail for the next 6 months and she was found to have stalked her other exs too.
somehow one of her exs found me and wanted to talk so we did, same thing happened to him only worse(she destroyed his tv and trashed his house) we even ended up becoming friends
so yeah hope everyones doing good and thanks for helping me :)
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 4,553 | "2022-12-06T14:58:09" | OOP - my (now ex) girlfriend deleted my 3+ yr minecraft world. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ze8v0x/oop_my_now_ex_girlfriend_deleted_my_3_yr/ | false | false | [
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zec607 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/stn0071 in r/amitheasshole**
trigger warnings: >!death, alcohol addiction!<
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA For Not Wanting To Name My Child After My Late Husband?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ozpq71/aita_for_not_wanting_to_name_my_child_after_my/) - 7 August 2021
Me (31) and my current husband (35) recently found out that we were expecting twin boys, and my first husband's mother is livid that we aren't naming one of them after her son.
A little background. My first husband (Michael) and I were college sweethearts. We got married not long after graduation, and I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, we were only married for a couple of months before Michael passed away suddenly.
It was one of the worst times in my life and I never thought that I would ever fall in love again, much less get married again or have a family. I remained very close with Michael’s mom, my MIL, and she was very supportive when I eventually started dating again. Not long after I met my current husband (John) I took him to her house so that they could meet. She was so excited to meet him and I remember going to the bathroom and crying tears of relief that she wasn’t angry at me for moving on.
When John and I got married she was so happy for me, and on my wedding day, she took me aside and told me that she knew Michael was happy for me too. It meant so much to me to hear her say that.
Earlier this year, John and I found out that we were pregnant. At first, MIL was ecstatic, making jokes about being a ‘bonus grandma’ and asking to help plan the gender reveal party and baby shower. But then when the subject of names came up, she was shocked that we weren’t planning to name the baby after Michael.
I explained to her that if it was a boy, we were going to name him after John’s father. I could tell she wasn’t happy, but she seemed to accept it. Things took a turn for the worst after my twenty week ultrasound, when we found out that I was carrying twin boys. When I told her the news, she flat out told me that had to name one of the babies after Michael, or she would never forgive me.
When I told her that we weren’t going to do that, she absolutely flipped, saying that I was betraying the memory of her son. I tried to make her understand that as much as I love and miss Michael, that chapter of my life is over, and I feel like it’s disrespectful to John to insist on naming one of his children after another man. At first John said that he would be fine with it, if it was what I wanted, but eventually he admitted that the idea made him uncomfortable.
I never want to make my MIL think that I’ve forgotten Michael or that he wasn’t important to me, but I don't want to name one of my children after him either. And honestly, I don’t think he would have wanted me to. There are better ways of remembering him than giving his name to a child that will never have any real connection to him.
I tried explaining this to MIL, but she just wouldn’t hear it. She told me that she would never speak to me again, if I didn’t name one the babies after her son. She’s been a really important part of my life, and I don’t want to lose her, but at the same time, I feel like she’s giving me an unfair ultimatum. AITA?
Verdict: NTA
**UPDATE**
Wow!! Blown away by all the feedback and support. We are hosting in laws (John’s parents) so I can only add a short update for now but I promise to leave a longer one when they go home in a couple of days.
For now I just want to address a few things I saw in the comments:
A lot of you wanted clarification as to how long Michael has been gone— it will be ten years this Oct. (and no, Michael is not his real name. Any names that I’ve included in the post have been changed to protect anonymity.)
A lot of you also wondered why I am still close with his mother after so long. I probably should have included this in the original post for context, but there are a couple of reasons for this. Michael was an only child and his father was never in the picture, and she has virtually no other family left besides a handful of cousins who live across the country.
Over the years, she’s been by steadfast supporter, always the first to encourage me to live my life and be happy. Funnily enough, I might not have met John if it wasn’t for her. A friend of mine had set me up with him on a blind date, and I almost backed out. The only reason I didn’t was because my ex-MIL convinced me to go.
Honestly she is the last person I ever would have expected this from, which is why I’ve found it so hard to deal with. A lot of you have said this is probably her being forced to finally deal with a lot of unprocessed grief and I think that’s probably true.
I think at some point I stopped thinking of her as my MIL and started thinking of her as a friend. I thought that she’d come to think of me in the same way, but now I’m realizing that at least a part of her still sees me as Micheal’s wife.
I am hopeful that we will find a way to work it out, but I am prepared to let her go if it comes to that, even though it would make me terribly sad.
To those of you who said I should start putting up some boundaries with her, you’re probably right. I honestly though all of the ‘bonus Grandma’ jokes were harmless at first, but now I have started to think otherwise. I don’t want to make any rash decisions yet until we’ve both had a chance to calm down, but as things stand now, she has a lot of work to do in the way of regaining my trust.
As to where I stand on the name issue, I am not going to name either of my children after Michael. For those of you who were worried I might cave on the issue, don’t be, it was never an option. I briefly considered doing something with a middle name, but ultimately decided against it. I don’t want to burden either of my children by naming them after a man they will never have any connection to.
As to how we honor Michaels memory: every year, John and I go visit his grave on his birthday. It was actually John who started the tradition, the year we got engaged, and we haven’t missed a year since. Maybe someday when they’re old enough, we’ll take the boys. I don’t know how exactly, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to explain to them who Michael was and what he meant to me.
For those of you who asked if this was having a negative impact on my marriage, the answer is no. John has been my rock through the entire pregnancy and his only concern during this ordeal has been my emotional well being. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I wanted to name one of these babies after Michael, that he would let me and never say a word about it, no matter how much it hurt him. Which makes me even more determined not to cave on the issue because I refuse to repay his selflessness with selfishness.
As to where things stand with ex-MIL and I, my SIL (brother’s wife) is good friends with her (they teach together at the same school) so right now she’s acting as a sort of go between. She says that she thinks ex-MIL is having a long over due emotional breakdown. We both agree that she has avoided fully processing her grief and now it’s all coming to a boiling point. She’s pushing hard to get her to see a therapist, and I’m hopeful that we can salvage a least some of our relationship. But if not, I’ll find a way to live with it.
And finally, to the hand full of commenters who insinuated that I am still in love with Michael and that I’m not being fair to John, let me just say that until you’ve been in my shoes you won’t understand. Michael and I were very young when we got married. I loved him very much and he will always, always have a place in my heart, but John is absolutely the love of my life. It took me years of therapy, but I don’t feel guilty about it anymore.
Thank you all so much for commenting and leaving your thoughts. It’s helped me so much to process things and sort out my emotions. Planning to see ex-MIL later this week after current in laws leave and I will be back with an update as soon as possible.
**UPDATE 9/21:**
I meant to do this sooner, but it has been a WILD month. As it turns out, carrying two human beings inside of you takes a bit of a toll, and lately, I've been feeling it. As of yesterday, I'm at 32 weeks which means we're officially out of the danger zone if the boys decide to come early, but hopefully they'll stay where they are for a little while longer.
John and I were advised by a friend that we should give them names that mean something to us as a couple. So we decided to name them for our favorite Tom Hanks characters, as it was our mutual love of the actor that we first bonded over. (Hint: Neither of them will be named Forrest; one of them will be named after a character who starred alongside Meg Ryan.)
Since I made this post, it has come to light that ex-MIL has a serious problem with alcohol. I never realized this before, because apparently, she was very good at hiding it. Also, I've been told that while she has been nothing but supportive and kind to my face, she has made some very unkind comments about me and John behind our backs. She's even told some people that I cheated on Michael (her son) with John, even though I didn't even meet him until several years after Michael died.
We went NC two weeks ago, and it makes me very sad, because Michale adored his mother and it would break his heart to see her like this. Because as awful as she's been to me lately, I know it's just because she's in pain. Still, I know he would understand why I've decided to cut her out of my life.
I truly hope that one day she'll heal and we can find a way to be friends again.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,884 | "2022-12-06T17:12:43" | AITA For Not Wanting To Name My Child After My Late Husband? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zec607/aita_for_not_wanting_to_name_my_child_after_my/ | false | false | [
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zeed84 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-06T18:40:33" | I (M24) found out my daughter isn't mine and I'm soon to wed my Fiance (25F) | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeed84/i_m24_found_out_my_daughter_isnt_mine_and_im_soon/ | false | false | [
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zeeuvj | **\*\*I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Holden-Position-4 **in** r/entitledparents\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
**trigger warnings:** >!violence, child abuse, self harm!<
**mood spoilers:** >!frustrating!<
# Post 1: [Parents decided to cancel my 14th birthday party to accommodate my spoiled younger brother. Reinstated it when I told everyone at school](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/um01xe/parents_decided_to_cancel_my_14th_birthday_party/) 09 May 2022
I'm 20m, and his happened when I was 14. I have a brother that's about six years younger than me. And he was extra coddled by my parents for having been diagnosed with high functioning autism when he was 4. But other than that he seems very normal, just unbelievably spoiled. And he used that to get his way a lot. And by a lot I mean nearly all the time. Anything I had, he also had to have. So that meant we had doubles of almost everything that wasn't shared items. And anything he had that I didn't, he'd rub in my face any way he could. When I was 11 I begged my parents for a 3DS for my 12th birthday. I got one, but then was told to lend it to my brother whenever he wanted it, or else I'd have it taken away. Which it was, a lot. When my aunt found out after seeing my parents forcibly take my 3DS out of my hands to give to my brother on one of her visits, she let loose on them for such blatant favoritism. They returned my 3DS immediately, then blamed me for the situation after my aunt left. But they didn't make me give it to my brother again. Instead my parents went out out a few days later and bought another 3DS as a surprise gift for my brother.
On several of mine and other people's birthdays my brother made a huge fuss because the party wasn't all about him. Even going so far as to outright state that he was upset because he wasn't getting any gifts or getting to blow out the candles on the cake. My parents learned the hard way that they couldn't enable my brother the way they'd have liked at those parties. And were actually kicked out of a few for trying. And because of that, other kids at his school stopped inviting him to birthday parties altogether. For me, my birthdays were some of the only days I had that I got to have about me because otherwise my parents forced my life to revolve around my little brother. And the year prior to when this story took place, my parents ended up paying more attention to him the entire time of my 13th birthday. And even asked me if I'd let my brother blow out my candles for me because he was upset and pouting. I refused that because I wanted to blow out my own candles. They called me a spoiled brat at first, till my aunt intervened and chastised them on their favoritism yet again. And stated how much she had noticed how my brother gets nearly everything between the two of us just because he's autistic. My parents got no support from anyone else there other than my brother, who was still crying because he wasn't getting to blow out my candles. And because he didn't get his way, he tried to outright spit on my cake out of spite. But my awesome aunt thankfully blocked him before he got the chance. Then scolded him till he ran to my mom in tears. My parents took a lot of heat from the other adults there, and then promised to never ask me to let my brother blow out my candles again. But they pretty much just went through the motions for rest of the party. My aunt pretty much took over coordinating everything from that point.
The following year a couple of weeks before my birthday my parents sat me down and told me they were still gonna get me some gifts and a small cake, but my birthday party was effectively canceled to avoid my brother having another meltdown. I told them I couldn't believe they were doing this to me, and they just seemed to shrug it off without a care. So at school over the next week I told my friends, my teachers, and even my school counselor. All of them were appalled by my parents' lack of consideration or empathy. The vice principal even found out and consoled me. And all of this got back to my parents through social media. My parents ended up grounding and gaslighting me for telling so many people. But that didn't stop me from still telling everyone at school that I was grounded for just being upset my birthday was canceled for no good reason. I guess that made it a lot worse because several of my parents' own friends along with parents to other kids in my school called them up or sent them FB messages basically saying "What the hell is wrong with you!". And suddenly I was un-grounded. I didn't get an apology either. My dad just walked into my room with his arms crossed, told me my grounding was over early, and then walked out. That was it.
I thought my party was still canceled because nobody said anything about it. And my brother thought it hilarious and rubbed it in my face that I wasn't going to get to celebrate. But by the end of the two weeks my parents held a surprise party for me at my favorite restaurant. And then started claiming that was their intent all along. I knew it wasn't. From what I'd seen everyone was incredibly unhappy with them for what they did. And it showed with any interactions family members had with my parents. So they ended up doing the surprise party to try and save what little of their reputations they had left. But I'm pretty sure they had to pay through the nose that day to just accommodate me. I got dinner with all my friends at my favorite restaurant that had a small arcade. And even got the PS4 game system I'd been jonesing for at the time. I could tell it was all pretty much planned and bought last minute, because my dad had a look about him that my aunt comically described as looking like a moth had flown out of his wallet.
My brother of course made a huge fuss that I got that surprise party. But with so many of my friends and their parents there, my mom and dad finally put their feet down on my brother to stop his tantrum when he wanted to push my cake off the table. My brother ended up getting a time out for the first time since he was a toddler, and my mom had to stay with him to make sure he didn't do anything crazy. And he did try several times to run to the cake or stack of presents. Who knows what he would have done were it not for the fact at least one adult was always on guard. Even my dad stood guard to keep him away. My mom ended up having to remove my brother and herself from the party entirely and took my little bro to a McDonalds nearby so he could have fun in their play area. And I heard later she spent at least an hour trying to get him to come out of the playplace tube structure. And he only did so because he had to use the bathroom, then tried to run right back in again.
My parents never tried to cancel my birthday again while still I lived with them. Though they never again tried as hard or spent as much. For the remaining four years I was under their roof, my birthday parties consisted of a local pizza parlor, a cake without even my name written on it, and never again anything as expensive as a new gaming system. I don't mean to sound spoiled. But I was a bit disappointed I never got a cake with my name on it again. My aunt called my parents out on that each year, and each year they claimed they forgot to get the cake decorated. I'm pretty sure that the reason my name was never written on another cake was because my brother always refused to eat pieces of cake that had writing of someone else's name on it at any party. And they couldn't put his name on any of my cakes, or it would have looked very bad for them. But the fact that I still got a day that was just about me at all and not my brother was still fantastic in my book. Especially because just about everything else revolved around him. During each of my remaining birthday parties while still living at home my brother made a fuss, and my mom took him somewhere else to calm him down. I was still required to share my PS4 with my brother. But it was still mine. And I took it with me when I moved out at 18. Little bro did not like that, and had a huge fit till my parents went out and bought another PS4 for him.
When I moved out they finally had to deal with how they'd raised my brother so spoiled because I wasn't there to help them with him anymore. On his recent 14th birthday he went mental on our parents for not getting him a PS5. He is now currently grounded for I don't know how long after causing hundreds or maybe even thousands in collateral damage during his rampage. He picked up a chair and just started destroying anything that was in front of him with it. And my parents just looked mentally checked out when I saw them last. My aunt has also told me they confided in her that they wish they could send my brother to military or boarding school in the future because they can't handle the monster they created anymore. But there's no way they can afford that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it ironically funny.
Edit: Holy cow this blew up! I'd like to thank everyone who's commented and given me awards. It really means a lot to me. Thank you all so much!
# Post 2: [When my parents were thrown out of a child's birthday party because they asked the stupidest thing imaginable](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/uwbd85/when_my_parents_were_thrown_out_of_a_childs/) 23 May 2022
For those who read my previous post about how my parents tried to cancel my 14th birthday, they knew very well what my brother was like during birthday parties that weren't his own. And they tried to enable his behavior in any way they could just because he's high functioning autistic. Well that rampant spoiling didn't go well with people outside of the family.... Like at all!
This happened I think when my brother was around 6-7 years old. A neighbor boy down the street was having his birthday party. And my brother got invited because they were sorta friends. But probably because they knew my parents would bring a gift. And they did. Don't remember what it was though, nor do I really care. My parents dragged me along to this party, even though I'd have rather stayed home and played video games. I was bored and sitting down almost the entire time. So I got to witness pretty much the whole situation.
It started when my brother was caught picking up gifts off the table and shaking them. The mother of the birthday boy told him to stop, and my parents tried to defend my brother and say he was harmless. But the lady knew what my brother was really like and had my parents move him away from the presents. There were some games that the kids were playing. Don't remember what they were. But I do remember my brother tried to be the center of attention as much as possible. With each game the birthday boy got first pick/turn on them all because it was his birthday. But my brother freaked out because he didn't get to be first. And my parents did ask the birthday boy's mother if my brother could get the first picks/turns. And the lady not only refused, but told my parents to get my brother under control or we'd all be asked to leave. Then came time for the cake. The mother lit the candles for the birthday boy and the adults started singing the "Happy Birthday" song. They only got as far as singing the birthday boy's name in the song before my brother burst into a tantrum at the table. He grabbed the side of the table and started trying to violently shake it. My parents had to hold my brother back for a moment. And then I saw my mother go up and talk to the mother of the birthday boy again about something. And the poor lady looked positively disgusted! And I learned later that she'd asked her to let my brother blow out the candles first and then they could redo it. The lady told my mother that it would be best if we left, and then they went back to trying to redo the birthday song.
Well my brother couldn't take it and ran to the table and shoved the whole cake right at the birthday boy. I mean he used his arm to literally clothesline the cake and heave it right into that poor kid's face. The whole room was silent for a few seconds. And then a bunch of the kids started laughing. Then the birthday boy started crying. And the adults were all mortified. Except for my parents. My mother just started hugging my brother tightly and acting like a Karen by saying this could have been prevented if they'd just let my brother blow out the candles first. The mother of the birthday boy was cleaning up chocolate cake off her son and screamed at my parents to get out. The other kids there started crying because it'd finally hit them that now there was no cake.
My mother started dragging my brother out, but he broke free of her and then pushed over the table with all the presents on it. I grabbed him and held him in a head lock till my parents grabbed him. I apologized profusely to the mother of the birthday boy and said I wasn't on my parents side in the matter. Yeah, that's right. Little 12 year old me had to apologize for my own parents. My dad yelled to me to get moving or I could walk home. I said I'd walk home. It was literally a quarter mile down the street. I stayed and helped clean up the mess my brother made. The lady thanked me and said that I was a good egg. But my brother was just rotten.
Someone went out and got another cake while the birthday boy had to take a shower because he was covered in cake. All of the mess was cleaned up, and they redid the birthday song. After the party was over the mother of the birthday boy wrote something out on a piece of paper. It was a handwritten invoice to my parents for the destroyed cake, along with a written threat to call police as someone there with a camera caught everything. I handed the invoice to my parents and they really didn't look happy when they read it. Then they gave me the cash and told me to take it back to the lady. So I did. And that was pretty much it. Neither that kid, or his family ever associated with my brother or my parents ever again.
But the messed up thing is that at another birthday party months later, the same situation nearly repeated entirely. My mother asked the parents to let my brother blow out the candles first. Gave BS excuses as to why. And they outright refused and my mother acted like a total Karen. My brother tried to knock down the cake, I was on guard and intercepted him. Then we were told to leave. It was after that my brother was no longer invited to birthday parties that were not relatives. And then on my next birthday in that same year when I turned 13, my parents tried to get me to let my brother blow out my candles. And my aunt tore into them for that. It was then I guess that my parents decided that if I couldn't share, then next year I shouldn't have a party at all. And any previous readers know how that turned out. [Story 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/um01xe/parents_decided_to_cancel_my_14th_birthday_party/)
# Post 3: [My parents enabled my little brother's minibike mayhem. With MY minibike!](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/v7n9tb/my_parents_enabled_my_little_brothers_minibike/) 08 Jun 2022
When I was 17, I bought a used minibike and used it to get to and from a part time job. Those who've read my previous posts know what my little brother is like. The boy my parents extra coddled because he was diagnosed as high functioning autistic. And ANYTHING I had, my brother had to have too. And if I refused to give it, my parents generally took it. At least until that behavior was exposed to the public when my parents tried to cancel my 14th birthday. After that my parents stopped forcing me to give my stuff to my brother whenever he wanted it. And that led to some extra huge tantrums from him. My brother would look for things around the house to throw to the floor and break. Usually dishes. My parents actually stocked up on plates from second hand stores because of that.
When I got the minibike, my brother was upset I wouldn't ever let him ride it. But he's destructive with all his stuff. Every time he broke his BMX, I'm the one who had to fix it. Change a flat, new pedals, new tire, new handlebars, new brake line, etc. He's got a stunt BMX that he begged for. And my parents spent hundreds on it. But as much as he loves it, he never fixes it himself or properly takes care of it. Just calls me over begging me to fix it. My parents got him the parts and have the tools, but he never bothers to do anything more than pump up a tire. And even then he usually tries to get someone to do it for him. He's also very careless in where he leaves the bike. He left it in a neighbor's driveway and it's handlebars got run over by the neighbor's van. He somehow destroyed the pedals and a new pair had to be put on. He broke the rear brake line while having a tantrum too. The tire was understandable though since those wear out. But it wasn't hard to swap it, and I shouldn't have had to come over on a Saturday to do it when my brother is perfectly capable of doing it himself. So damn right I'm not letting him take my minibike on a joyride. Especially with gas prices being so high these days. The minibike gets like 60 mpg. So what that it only goes 40 mph. I only have a five mile commute anyway.
About a month before my brother's 14th birthday, my parents called me begging me to come over and fix the BMX again. Little bro had worn the rear tire down to it's threads. I was annoyed, but I came over anyway because they offered to pay me. I swapped the tire, and sat down for a bottled water because it was like 100 degrees that day. My brother watched me work on the bike till I was done. His helmet was on, so I figured he was just waiting to go riding on his bike. But the moment my back was turned I heard my minibike start up outside and then take off. Little bro took off like a rocket down the street on it before I could get out of the garage. I freaked out, but my parents tried to play it off. Though when I didn't placate them, they said they'd get my minibike back right away. But for them that was more like just waiting till my brother came back with it. I was annoyed, and I wanted to call the police. But I'm not sure if they'd call it a domestic issue or not. My brother finally came back an hour later. He'd somehow not crashed. But the moment he saw me, he took off again! He drove the bike till it ran out of gas and my parents had to go get him. To say I was furious was an understatement. But my parents basically rolled their eyes, handed me $40 and claimed it wouldn't happen again. I said it better not, or I'd call the cops next time. Not sure if it'd help, but they seemed to take my warning. I had to push my minibike to the nearest gas station to fill up before I could go home.
Before I left I told my parents that if my brother wants a minibike so bad, then they should get him one. But then they pulled a 180 and said he wasn't ready to have one because it's a big responsibility, and that it was too dangerous because it's practically a motorcycle. I mean really?! They just let him steal mine for like two hours to go joyriding to god knows where, and they don't want to get him one themselves?! Whatever. I'm used to their hypocrisy by now. The last time I went to my parents' house, my brother was massively grounded and in his room for his birthday rampage I mentioned in my first post. But just to be sure, I pulled the spark plug wire off my bike before I entered the house. My brother was glaring at me from his window when I left. I just gave him a goofy wave and drove off.
# Post 4: [I suggested to my parents that they sell a bunch of my brother's stuff to get some of their money back for his rampage. They did not hesitate. But wait, there's more](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/vlknrj/i_suggested_to_my_parents_that_they_sell_a_bunch/) 26 Jun 2022
Well a while ago someone here commented the idea that my parents should sell a bunch of my brother's stuff. So I talked to my parents about how they could probably recoup some of their losses from the birthday rampage by selling a lot of my brother's stuff. I was surprised by how readily they agreed it was a good idea. I mean it was like a lightbulb moment for them. Then over the weekend they had a big garage sale. They sold my brother's bike, his video game systems, everything! I went to help out with the sale and could hear my brother crying in his room. All of the video game systems he had were sold. And I mean there was a lot of them. He had a Gamecube, a WII, a 3DS, A Switch, PS2, PS3, PS4, XBOX 360, XBOX 1, and a ton of games for them all. And they sold ALL of them! I was pretty tempted to buy something from the sale myself. But I knew if my brother were to be made aware that I had something he used to own, who knows what he might do. So I held back.
The bike alone went for $30. They also sold his TV, his RC cars, his drone, and pretty much anything else electronic he owned. They are in the process of selling his gaming PC online now as well. There's a cheap laptop too. But it was mainly used for school, and he was denied access to it for anything else. My parents told me that my brother's room had been stripped of everything but the essentials. While I was visiting during the sale, my brother walked out of his room once, saw me, and then ran back into his room crying loudly. I know fake crying from him when I hear it. And it was as fake as it gets. My parents know this too, and have not fallen for his game. I asked them if he was going to be sent to therapy. And they said they really have no choice but to to that. And they fully admitted this was all their fault for enabling him for so long. I could have rubbed it in their faces. But I think the look they saw on my face was enough that they understood. For the past several years they'd been in progressively worse and worse denial about their bad parenting. Friends and family have been telling them for a long time now that they went way too far spoiling my brother. And that not only would it come back on them one day. But it'd also mean that my brother may be incapable of functioning as an adult. And if that's the case, he'd expect someone to provide for his every need forever. And I would not become his caretaker when they become too old.
My brother hadn't shown much improvement over the next few weeks. He was still being a brat, fake crying, getting into more trouble, and even stole another kid's cellphone at school. He was caught playing on it in his closet. And my parents had to return it to the school to find out who it belonged to. Last week I had an idea and suggested a family intervention. My parents were hesitant when I brought it up. But they reluctantly agreed to it. I'm sure their hesitation was because an intervention would put them on the spot along with my brother. Then on the next possible day all close family and some friends could gather at my parents' house, we formed a circle of chairs in the living room. Initially without my brother in the room. My aunt spoke first. And oh boy did she let them have it. She'd written an entire speech that we all silently listened to. My parents tried to interject from time to time, but were silenced. When it came to be my turn to speak, I also read a speech I composed. Basically repeating everything I've told on Reddit thus far, and plenty more. My grandparents went next, and it just sort of followed down the line from there. My mother was in tears. And my father just held her. They both apologized to me heavily, and said they were terrible parents. And that they ruined my childhood. I'll never get that back. My aunt loudly stated that it should not have come to this for them to realize their own hypocrisy. And from now on they needed to do better, not only for my sake, but especially for the sake of my brother so he can grow up normal.
My brother was brought into the room next. And he was seated away from my parents because my mother would have an urge to coddle him when he was upset. It didn't take long for the family to lay into my brother. He tried fighting us a lot. But when excuses like "If only they just let me have my way" were about all he could say, we all let him have it about how that's not how the world works. He tried getting help from our mother. But she refused to look at him. He started huffing and acting like he was hyperventilating. Then intentionally fell to the floor. It's not the first time he's done this. My aunt just told him to stop milking it and get up. He screamed at her that we were all ruining his life. And he wishes we were all dead. My parents were horrified. My brother refused to get up off the floor and kept breathing heavily to pretend to have some sort of attack. So everyone just left him laying their while they each said their piece about why they were there to him. He screamed at random a few times. But didn't move from where he'd laid down.
Eventually everyone started leaving. And my parents had to actually drag my brother back to his room because he refused to get up off the floor. He's not used to people having no sympathy for him. Especially from our parents. This is gonna be a long uphill battle. My aunt has offered to chip in for therapy, and my parents have taken her up on it. Lets hope therapy does my brother some good.
Edit: Context, some have been asking what happened with my brother's birthday rampage. Well to put it simply, he didn't get a PS5, so he went mental with a chair and destroyed whatever he could with it. Which was finally the breaking point for my parents and they grounded him severely. If ya'll want any more details on what happened, just look at my prior posts.
&#x200B;
**\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster.\*\***
**Part 2 linked** [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeeuxg/parents_and_entitled_brother_who_cannot_handle/) | 2,815 | "2022-12-06T19:00:02" | Parents and Entitled Brother Who Cannot Handle Birthday Parties (+ other stories) LONG - Part 1 of 2 | INCONCLUSIVE | opinionswelcomehere | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeeuvj/parents_and_entitled_brother_who_cannot_handle/ | false | false | [
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zeeuxg | **\*\*I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Holden-Position-4 **in** r/entitledparents\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
**trigger warnings:** >!violence, child abuse, self harm!<
**mood spoilers:** >!frustrating!<
**Post 1 linked** [**here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeeuvj/parents_and_entitled_brother_who_cannot_handle/)
# Post 5: [My spoiled brat brother has finally been allowed some privileges. And he hates them](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/w34s88/my_spoiled_brat_brother_has_finally_been_allowed/) 19 Jul 2022
Since the family intervention, my parents have kept my brother in check. And they are doing ok in terms of making up for years of treating me like crap. They've even promised to host my next birthday, and have my favorite cake with my name on it. My brother did overhear this because my parents had him doing dishes in the kitchen, and he just stopped what he was doing and went right to his room. No fake crying, just a complete shutdown. He still glares at me from his window every time I leave when I come to visit.
A little while ago my parents have allowed my brother some privileges for good behavior. Though to my brother they're basically the opposite of anything he'd like. My parents decided that he could have a little fun for good behavior. So my dad dug out his old N64 and Gameboy Color from the 90s. He still had most of his old games for both systems, and also had an old CRT TV to hook them up to. When they were offered to my brother, he just complained that they were old and boring. My dad just said he could suit himself then, and go back to reading. Took one night before my brother was begging to have the old 90s game systems. He used to have many game systems, a gaming PC, and even a gaming chair with bluetooth speakers on it. Now all he has is a folding chair or his bed to sit on when gaming. I came by for a visit around the time he first got the N64 because my parents wanted to have me over for dinner, and I got to see my brother in his room yelling at the old CRT TV while playing Mario 64. He really wasn't happy. Especially since he couldn't even go online to check for guides, walkthroughs, or cheat codes. For the Gameboy Color, I saw he had some Pokemon games, and at least one Donkey Kong. My dad has said that if my brother is extra good by the end of the summer, they'll upgrade him to a Gameboy Advance. My parents quickly realized though that the Gameboy Color would eat AA batteries, so my brother has to use a power cord for it now. And he does play it. Maybe because he used to have a phone in his hands playing app games so much.
Because my brother likes cycling, but no longer owns a bike since our parents sold it, he was without an outlet to exercise. My dad found a used exercise bike on FB Marketplace and put it in my brother's room. He also got a used CD player mini boombox from somewhere the same day. So yeah, my brother just rides that exercise bike since he can't go outside unless it's to do chores. And he rides it AGGRESSIVELY! He tunes into whatever music gets him going, and then he rides that exercise bike hard. From the look on his face, I'd call it hate riding. Almost like what you'd expect to see on the face of a vindictive prison inmate exercising in their cell and waiting for the day they can get out and get revenge. I had mentioned this to my parents. And they have the same worries that I do. So my dad started burning CDs with my brother's favorite music that used to be on his gaming computer that they also sold. Each burned CD has ten songs. And he would get one for every week of good behavior. He's only gotten one so far since this started. Not because of bad behavior, but because not enough time has gone by for him to get more. I'm not sure if I'd call my brother's behavior good. He's just not really being bad. I don't hear him complaining out loud anymore most of the time. But I see it in his face. Especially when he glares at me from his window when I get on my minibike to go home. He definitely resents me. But it's not the same look he gives our parents when they aren't looking. He glares at them like they destroyed his life. But if I were to put it into words, he glares at me with envy. Like I have everything he wants. The look just seems to say "Just wait till I'm 18!". I remember having those same thoughts when I wanted to move the hell out after high school. But I made sure I had life plans with the help of my aunt when I moved out. But my brother doesn't know anything about how to do that. So he's probably still thinking of it in the simplest ways a kid usually would. Oh great! Now I'm sounding like a know-it-all!
I have tried to talk with my brother. But he doesn't have much to say. I've been stopping by every few days to spend some time with him. We don't speak much because he's gotten very quiet. But he does seem to enjoy having someone to play with since our parents won't. He eagerly hands me a controller every time I'm there. We've mostly been playing racing games like Mario Kart on dad's old N64 in my brother's room. And he gets pretty aggressive while playing. He keeps swinging the controller around wildly with nearly every move he makes, and has even shoved me over a few times when he was losing. I've learned to brace my leg so he can't do that. He had a few light tantrums for losing, but is getting a little better. I've had some Gamefaqs walkthroughs and cheat codes of some of the games he's been playing on the old N64 printed out at the local library and put them in a binder for him. And that's made him be a little nicer to me.
Our parents wanted to get some stuff for summer homeschooling for my brother. But I warned them that was probably not a good idea. He's already in an almost constant state of anger. And the goal is to mellow him out and make him more accepting life won't go his way like it used to anymore, not piss him off even more. My dad got angry with me about how he's the father and not me. And that sparked an argument where I reminded him of the things that went on over the past decade. All of the favoritism, all of how I was blamed for so much, even how I had to hide my money at my aunts house because they kept letting my brother try to steal it. I didn't outright say he's a bad parent. But it was heavily implied. He backed off and my mom told him I was right, and trying to force home summer schooling on my brother will not help. That made my dad shut down and he went to drink alone in the living room. My mom has apologized to me repeatedly over her past actions. She says she blames herself because it was her idea to coddle my brother so much, and my did just went along with it. She told me that back then she was never thinking ahead to what my brother would be like as an adult. She basically refused to admit he was going to grow up. So she just kept spoiling him to try and keep him her as baby.
My parents have scheduled couple's counseling. But it's gonna be a while before they get in due to the wait period. My dad is pretty obviously not looking forward to it. It's harder to make him admit wrongdoing than my mom. He caved and admitted how much he'd screwed up during the family intervention. But since then he's tried to act like he's just a normal parent. But I've made it clear that pretending that shit didn't happen won't make it go away. And my mom agrees with me.
So that's where things are right now. Hopefully my next update will be better.
# Post 6: [Parents let my brother steal from me until I got my aunt involved](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/wq8xb0/parents_let_my_brother_steal_from_me_until_i_got/) 16 Aug 2022
I have an update post to make soon. But for now here's one of my past issues with my parents that I talked about during the family intervention not too long ago. Back when I was still a kid, it was very hard for anything to be exclusively mine. And as my brother got older, he craved money for things above all else. He and I both got allowances. Equal allowances. So that was sorta fair. I say sorta because he didn't have to do chores for his, while I did. But that's in the past now because my brother is now having to do all those chores for nothing. My brother always wanted more money though, whether he spent it or not. He loved having new things. But sometimes he'd just save the money instead. Which is odd because you'd think him the kind of kid who'd splurge his savings on the first thing he wants. My brother and I both got allowances of about $25 a month. And I was pretty thankful for it. I usually saved most of my money though. But my brother always wanted more. One day as a teenager I came home to find my room had been ransacked. And the only thing gone was my money. I'd hidden it to try and keep it from my brother, because well...obvious reasons if you readers know what my brother is like by now. I thought I'd hidden it well, but he found it anyway. My mom was home when he did it too, and she acted like she didn't even notice. But there's no way she could not have heard him tearing my room up. I called her out on that during the intervention and she just cried and made excuses about my brother being special, till other family members told her to shut up and own up to it. My room was on the first floor right near the living room. My door was completely in view of the couch. And when I pointed this out back then, my mom just made the "But he's special! He's not like you!" excuse for my brother. I said I wanted the money back, and my mom just made more excuses. And my dad did too when he got home later. So yeah, excuses then and now. Back then I did eventually get that money back because I refused to let it go. I heard my brother screaming as they took the money out of his piggy bank and gave it back to me. And they had the most disappointed looks on their faces, like I'd just robbed my brother. Even though he'd robbed me. But they couldn't tell me off because I wasn't in the wrong, and they knew it. I don't imagine many kids getting in the kind of situations where they are more right about something than their parents very often.
A few months later and the whole situation repeated. My brother ransacked my room again and stole the money I'd hidden, again... That time my parents didn't want to do anything about it. And basically said that they couldn't bear to see my brother so disappointed from taking his money. I reminded them that stolen money wasn't his money. And it was really crappy that they were just sitting back and letting that happen. My dad yelled at me to go to my room for saying that. So the next day I rode my bike to my aunt's house and told her everything. She came back home with me and asked my parents if they really let my brother steal from me and did nothing about it. My mom just started whining that my brother is special needs, and she didn't want to make him cry again. And my dad backed her up. My aunt just gave them both that narrow eyed look and reminded them they have two sons, and my feelings mattered too. And what they were doing was VERY wrong. And it meant that my brother would never respect boundaries and would think he can always get away with stealing when he gets older. My aunt asked me openly how much my brother took. I stated the number, which at the time was everything I had, save for the few bucks in my wallet. My aunt gave my parents an expectant glare. My parents tried making a few more excuses. But my aunt had a counter for each one.
Finally my parents went into my brother's room. And a moment later my brother was screaming. My parents came back with all of the money my brother took, and practically threw it at me for making my brother cry. My aunt then told them off for acting that way when I'd done nothing wrong, and they picked up all of the money they'd thrown at me and gave a pretty forced apology. My aunt said that she'd be severely disappointed in them if they let this situation repeat. And before she left, my aunt offered for me to hide my money at her house in a lockbox she had. I took her up on that and started keeping my savings over there. My brother ended up ransacking my room two more times looking for money. But I was keeping every cent I had at my aunt's house. My parents actually asked me where I'd hidden it, and I refused to tell. Then I asked why they wanted to know so badly anyway, and my dad instantly got defensive about it. My mom calmed him down and they didn't ask again. Since he couldn't find my money in my room, my brother figured I must have hidden it somewhere else. So he started tearing the house apart one room after another. And who was made to clean up the mess? Why yours truly of course. My parents started to blame me for the whole situation. But when I asked how I was at fault for not letting my brother steal from me, their only counter was that my brother had special needs. I swear, they used that line with me thousands of times. That was something else I heavily berated my parents for in the family intervention.
The final straw came when my brother ransacked our parents' bedroom. My parents had a small suitcase safe that they kept some cash in. And my brother locked himself in their room, then took the whole safe and started bashing it around on stuff to try and get it open because he couldn't find the keys. By the time my parents were able to get the door open by breaking it open, my brother had destroyed the room. And he never got that safe open. He just sat on the floor clutching it and crying about the money inside it. My dad was so angry that he turned red. And the actually started yelling at my brother and grounded him. A very rare sight for me to see back then indeed. Then my parents forced my brother to help clean up the mess. After that my brother never ransacked mine or my parents' rooms looking for money again. But he'd still go rooting around every time he got an idea where my savings might be. So I started acting like I was giving hints by repeatedly going into certain places while he was watching. He ransacked the backyard shed, dug a bunch of holes in the yard and under the back porch, and even ransacked the attic. My parents really hit their breaking point with the attic and grounded my brother again. They never figured out I led him on either.
My parents did eventually figure out I was keeping my money at my aunt's house. And they didn't argue with my reasoning for doing it. But either my brother overheard, or one of them spilled the beans to him, because the next time we visited my aunt, my brother tried to hunt for the money. But my aunt yelled at him to stop, and my brother would just sit on the floor and cry. This happened a few times and my aunt bluntly stated she'd press charges for any damages if my brother ransacked anything, and also kept a digital camera on hand to record anything if need be. My parents heavily scolded my brother to stop looking for my money. It wasn't his, and he can't have it. Cue more screaming and crying that he wants it like a three year old, even though he was seven at the time. Then my brother said he didn't want to go to auntie's house anymore. So my parents visited less. My aunt visited us a lot more than we visited her anyway. I was pretty much able to keep my money away from my brother till after I moved out. He's never managed to steal cash from me again. His classmates at school were another story. He was caught looking through the backpacks of other kids many times. And he was forced to return stolen stuff, and then sent home, where he'd cry to mom and dad, who then tried to have words with the school, who berated them on letting my brother think what he was doing was ok. They had to teach my brother that it's no ok to go through other people's stuff. And I actually heard him say "But I wanted what they had" a few times. This excuse got used again when my brother stole an envelope with birthday money from a cousin during their birthday party. He tried to stuff it in his shirt and walk out with it later. But the cousin noticed it was missing, and I suspected my brother right away and pointed everyone to him. He ended up crying and thrashing when my dad found the envelope hidden in his shirt. We left that party early.
# Post 7: [My mother mentally broke](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/wv5y25/my_mother_mentally_broke/) 22 Aug 2022
This is not an update I was hoping for. And before anyone makes assumptions from the trigger warning, read the post in full. My mom was secretly letting my brother have other privileges back while my dad was at work because he kept begging her. Why? "BeCaUsE hE's SpEaCiAl!" My dad was holding to keeping my brother accountable. But my mom just couldn't do it and started letting my brother have his way again behind everyone's backs. And my brother kept demanding more and more from her once she started giving him what he wanted again. My mom bought a used Switch with a copy of Zelda BOTW and let my brother play it in secret. And was letting him online with his laptop that was supposed to have been taken away unless needed for school work. My brother demanded mom replace some of the things they sold, and called her some horrible things when she said she couldn't because dad would notice. This repeated over the course of several days, and my brother started to get violent. And mom finally hit her breaking point. She outright slapped my brother across the face as hard as she could, and then had a complete mental breakdown where she resorted to self harm. She ended up calling my dad to come home early, because she kept hurting herself. He rushed home and found my mom literally beating herself, and he had to make her stop. She's never done anything like this before. My brother was in total shock and freaking out about it. My dad blamed my brother and whooped his ass raw. He'd spanked me a few times when I was a kid. But I heard from dad later that he'd really wailed on my brother while calling him an ungrateful brat they did everything for. Then took away the Switch my mom had been hiding for him.
My mom had to be taken in to the ER, and then had to be held for a psyche evaluation. She was found to be so heavily stressed that her anxiety was through the roof, and had to be hospitalized. I saw a picture of my mom that my dad had taken before she was taken in for the psyche hold. She had two black eyes, and her face was swollen. And she'd ripped some of her own hair out. My dad implied she'd done more to herself. But I didn't see. However my dad begged me to come over and watch my brother while they were away. Because he was afraid my brother may do something insane too after everything that happened. When I showed up, I found my brother huddled in his closet and crying. He wouldn't say much to me, other than small apologies. And he jolted if I even so much as touched him. I ordered his favorite pizza on my dime and had it delivered. It's barbecue chicken with stuffed crust. It coaxed him out of his room and we ate dinner in awkward silence. I played Mario Kart on the N64 with him for a while after that. And he eventually broke down sobbing. He asked me how bad of a person he really was. I hesitated in saying anything at first. But I told him. I said it wasn't his fault for being raised spoiled because that was on our parents. But he is getting older and can't put all the blame on our parents anymore. I said he himself was entitled, violent, blames others for all of his faults, steals from people, and was in need of some serious counseling. My brother cried some more and asked me to leave the room.
About an hour went by before he came out and we talked in the living room. My brother asked me what it was like being an adult. So I told him about the responsibilities I have in working a job, paying for gas, rent, utilities, etc. And how much I usually had leftover each month for anything else. He was pretty shocked because no one had ever explained adult life to him like this. And I remarked that he'll be there soon enough in a few short years. My brother said he wished he didn't have to be an adult. He likes having his way and gaming all he wants. But then admitted that he knew I was going to say that was wrong. Which I nodded and said he was correct. I remarked to him about how little I got compared to him growing up because he had to have everything. Which is why I took lemons and made lemonade any way I could. Like how I hid my money at my aunt's house. And how I was afraid to keep nice things because he always wanted to take them away from me. This heart to heart lasted until we saw dad pull his car in. My brother bolted back to his room before dad came in the house.
When I saw my dad, he really didn't look so good. He looked like he'd been crying, and was a complete mess. He apologized to me in tears and said he's finally truly starting to understand how awful of a parent he truly is. And couldn't believe he was blind to it for so long. We hugged, he cried some more, then he spilled his guts to me about everything that happened. I've never seen him cry so much. It's been well over a week now and nearing two. And thus far my mom hasn't returned home yet. I'd hoped that if I waited this long to post about it, my mom would have come back. But wherever she is right now, she's still there. My dad won't say anything more about what's going on. But I think my mom might have been labeled a danger to herself, and has been institutionalized. Otherwise I think she would have been home by now. My brother has calmed down a lot. And he does the chores dad gives him without complaint. Dad also gave him back the Switch mom had bought for him, and said not to eff things up this time. Because if he wants all of his privileges back, he was gonna earn them one by one. Yesterday I talked with my brother over the phone while dad was still at work. And he says he's afraid of dad now. But also said that dad hasn't even so much as raised his voice to him since the day mom went mad. He admitted that he still wished things could go back to how they used to be. He misses all his electronics, his games, and his bike. I asked dad about the bike, and he said he'll get him another one in time. But for now he's just too worried about mom to even think about that kind of stuff.
I'm kind of at a loss how to move forward here. Obviously I know that my family is messed up, and need support in a variety of ways. I am starting to feel sorry for my brother. But at the same time I know that he needs this lesson to move forward in life. But I did not agree with dad spanking him the way he did. I haven't said that to him. Nor do I think I ever will unless he does it again. Which I'm not so sure he will since he regrets it immensely, and my brother is starting to understand how to behave. But I still feel really mixed up over the lot of this. I knew getting my family change for the better would be drama. But I didn't think it would be at this level.
**\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster.\*\***
**Marked inconclusive because not everything is resolved or positive.** | 3,515 | "2022-12-06T19:00:04" | Parents and Entitled Brother Who Cannot Handle Birthday Parties (+ other stories) LONG - Part 2 of 2 | INCONCLUSIVE | opinionswelcomehere | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeeuxg/parents_and_entitled_brother_who_cannot_handle/ | false | false | [
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zef798 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-06T19:13:22" | I (M24) found out my daughter isn't mine and I'm soon to wed my Fiance (25F) | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zef798/i_m24_found_out_my_daughter_isnt_mine_and_im_soon/ | false | false | [
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zeg010 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-06T19:45:25" | I (M24) found out my daughter isn't mine and I'm soon to wed my Fiance (25F) | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeg010/i_m24_found_out_my_daughter_isnt_mine_and_im_soon/ | false | false | [
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zegeik | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/itmesuzy](https://www.reddit.com/user/itmesuzy/). They posted in r/AITA. A light, quick read for you today!
For those of you on mobile who need something here to not see the spoilers:
Your daily dolphin fact- scientists have discovered that dolphins actually give themselves names! They develop their own whistles and can recognize their own and others' names.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!things seem to work out!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wwn4c6/aita_for_calling_a_baby_it/)**: August 24, 2022**
For context, I have nothing against kids, I even want them someday, but this isn’t the time for me personally.
So my friend Natalia and I are both in our mid 20s. Natalia is currently pregnant with her second child and is around 28 weeks? I’m not too sure though. Whenever her baby comes up in conversation, there have been times where I have said comments such as “I wonder if IT will have you eyes”, or “IT will be so cute”. Natalia at the time made no indication that this bothered her so I didn’t give it a second thought. This has been happening since she announced her pregnancy and I am not the only one to use the word “it”, she has also not revealed the gender or name.
A few weeks ago, a mutual friend asked if I am attending her baby shower, I said I am working. I then made the comment “I don’t get why she’s having a baby shower, IT is her second baby, she already had a shower + gender reveal in 2019.” I do understand needing some new items such as a car seat but the list also included MANY items she previously got at her first shower such as new baby monitors, an (IMO) expensive stroller, etc. But I kept this comment to myself.
Natalia reached out to me the other day and I called the baby an “it” again.
Natalia then got upset with me and said it was an AH move to keep calling her baby an “It”, as “a baby isn’t an object” and she hopes this doesn’t continue once the baby is born. I will admit, until she told us her baby names for baby 1, I also called the baby an it, until she decided on a name if it would either be a boy or a girl with the same starting initial so it became “Baby R” until baby was born. Since baby 1 was born, he was called by his name.
I apologized and said I didn’t know my actions offended her, but she didn’t accept my apology and still maintains I am an AH.
So AITA? It honestly wasn’t out of malice, just unsure what to call her baby at this time.
EDIT/Clarification:
I never have misgendered a person and know the harm in calling a person, especially a member of the LGBTQ+ community an “it”. I would NEVER call any person that.
Unborn babies were the only situation in which if I didn’t know the pronouns/pronoun route the parents decided to go with, or name or ANYTHING, I and others close to me used the term “it”.
“Did friend tell Natalia baby shower comment?”
No. We’ve been friends since we were babies, she at the time agree with my comment and said “first time moms during pandemic/lockdown - makes sense for a do-over shower”. I did double check, she’s NEVER lied to me before, and this isn’t something I’d be upset over and she knows that.
Other than Natalia, our group is still adjusting from the “shit, i’m pregnant” to “yay! i’m pregnant”, we’re learning, we’re new to this whole thing.
*OOP is voted NTA*
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xg6has/update_aita_for_calling_a_baby_an_it/)**: September 16, 2022**
Hey! So on my last post, the comments were pretty divided on calling my friend Nat‘s baby an “it”.
After giving her a few days to cool off, I reached out and asked if everything was ok. It turns out that Nat was upset that we (our friend group) kinda made a bigger deal of her first pregnancy (and first baby of our group). She went on to explain how she felt like if one of us announced we were pregnant it will be a bigger deal compared to her being pregnant right now.
She was also upset that most of us RSVP’d “no” to her 2nd baby shower that she had to plan and organize herself. And she feels left behind as she’s a SAHM and the rest of us are moving away for work, higher education, and to where we want to live.
I asked if she was bothered by me calling the bébé an “it” and turns out she wasn’t, I just caught her at a bad moment and everything just boiled up for her.
So yeah I explained that we didn’t really know a second baby shower was a thing, that’s why we didn’t think of it, and I couldn’t make it to the one she planned due to a work trip.
End of the day, we’re good. Still love each other and the two lil ones. And as a few people suggested i’m putting together a little bag of baby items for the little one - so any suggestions welcome for what to put in!
Thanks y’all!
edit:
thank you all for the amazing suggestions!! I’m loving the ideas coming in.
To clarify a few things - since my last post I have just been calling the baby “they baby” (also sometimes the bébé because we used to binge Schitt’s Creek)
She wanted a baby shower for her 2nd baby (not 2 for same pregnancy). A lot of the items she did ask for this time around were more expensive (imo idk how much baby stuff should cost) such as a 2k baby stroller, new crib, etc. Maybe I am off base on how much stuff costs. But the stroller and other items did seem a little pricy to me.
Yes she does still have a lot of her original stuff as she planned to have her children closer together (2nd end of 2020/ early 2021) but everything happened. | 3,369 | "2022-12-06T20:00:51" | AITA for calling a baby “it”? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zegeik/aita_for_calling_a_baby_it/ | false | false | [
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zeh1c9 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-06T20:25:21" | AITA For not wanting to go ballroom dancing with my girlfriend on “my” birthday? [very short] | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeh1c9/aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_ballroom_dancing_with/ | false | false | [
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zeh8cr | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwra_peaceofmind in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**I (M24) found out my daughter isn't mine and I'm soon to wed my Fiance (25F)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ebgqpf/i_m24_found_out_my_daughter_isnt_mine_and_im_soon/) - 16 December 2019
About a month ago an old friend of my fiance came and told me my daughter might not be mine (1yr). She told me Sarah (fiance, fake name) confessed to her shortly after finding out she was pregnant that it might not be mine because at the time she had been sleeping with one other guy.
Now that we are going to get married soon, she just couldn't keep this to herself and felt the need to tell me. Well I obviously didn't take the news well, because everything she said contradicted the person I knew for 5 years, faithful, honest and loving. However, that doubt didn't go away and I ended up going through with a paternity test.
I'm not her father, as you can imagine has broken my heart, I'm still coming to terms to the news. It explains why she suddenly got pregnant, despite the protection I was using, but I just assumed things happen and it is what it is (abortion was out of the question).
At this point, I'm not sure where to go in life. The wedding is two weeks away at this point, family is coming, everything is paid for, my daughter, who I love, turns out isn't mine at all and I've been raising someone else's kid, I'm about to marry a woman who I can't bring myself to look at anymore, I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what advice Reddit can offer, but I don't know who else to turn to.
**Edit:**
Thank you for all the advice, good and bad, different perspectives offer some insight as to what I can do, even the ones that didn't help pointed out what I shouldn't do. All I know is, I have loved this woman and her family, the last thing I want is a nuclear option. There's a lot to consider, I have two weeks at this point to decide what I want to do.
I'm heartbroken, I don't want to necessarily think with my emotions alone, rather think this through as I make another of my large life choices. I am currently waiting on the results of a second paternity test just to confirm the results of the first one before I make any kind of jump.
If you still have any additional advice to offer, offer away, I'm still catching up on messages, there's so many and I'm taking my time to reflect on each one.
&nbsp;
[**[Update] I (M24) found out my daughter isn't mine and I'm soon to wed my Fiance (25F)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/eemzdf/update_i_m24_found_out_my_daughter_isnt_mine_and/) - 23 December 2019
I'm sure people would like an update and a somewhat of a conclusion to this hurdle in my life, but here's what happened.
I read everyone's advice, and a lot of it was very helpful, while others, not so much, some going as far as to consider murder, yeah, not on the table. But for those that did offer genuine advice, thank you. After getting the same result with the second paternity test, I talked to "Sarah", and a lot emotions rolled out, how could an old friend betray me, I wasn't sure if it was or wasn't yours, I'm sorry, how could you not trust me, she was all over the place.
After she calmed down I got a few more answers out of her, turns out it wasn't one guy she was sleeping with, rather a total of three, and they wore protection too, but someone got unlucky and knocked her up. At this point, I should've been furious, but somehow, that didn't happen, I had grown numb to the whole situation.
So yeah, I decided I don't want to go through with this marriage and put everything on hold, I plan to eventually cancel everything. I called my parents and explained what was going on, they were shocked; then her parents, same reaction, I was surprised with how understanding there were to the whole situation, like I said, they're great people, their reaction only reinforce this.
Luckily, the wedding was within driving distance from all attendees, 8 hours being the longest drive, the amount of fallout was minimal, apart from my and her parents, no one else knows what's really going on other than the wedding is delayed.
Regarding my "daughter", I've come to terms that she's not mine, and any feelings I have towards her were built on a lie, it's not too late to start over, she's still young (1yr), she won't remember me. As painful as it is, I can't see my life continuing with her.
So to wrap things up, I've moved out for the time being to have so space, my parents said I could stay with them until I can sort things out, waiting on the results of an STD test, should be coming in tomorrow, I've talked to a lawyer and she's said it's a pretty messy situation, but if we can find out who the father is, it could very much help my case. I don't know any of the possible fathers, but her "friend" instantly knew two of the names, as for the third she wasn't sure, but knew someone who might.
So this is where I am, still not sure where things will go and what will happen, but I can only hope for the best, life sometimes takes a dump on you, but you don't realize it till one person spills the beans.
Thanks reddit for the help. I wish I could tell you I'm looking forward to a happy ending, but it's too soon to be sure of anything.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 11,470 | "2022-12-06T20:32:49" | I (M24) found out my daughter isn't mine and I'm soon to wed my Fiance (25F) | INCONCLUSIVE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeh8cr/i_m24_found_out_my_daughter_isnt_mine_and_im_soon/ | false | false | [
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zejqt7 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-06T22:11:22" | AITA for outing my ex as gay to get his mother off my back? | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zejqt7/aita_for_outing_my_ex_as_gay_to_get_his_mother/ | false | false | [
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zekswf | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/life_after_love in r/amitheasshole**
trigger warnings: >!homophobia, sexism!<
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for outing my ex as gay to get his mother off my back?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r6iokf/aita_for_outing_my_ex_as_gay_to_get_his_mother/) - 1 December 2021
It’s a long and sucky story, but my (25F) soon to be ex (28M) is gay and hid that from me. I found out because I caught him cheating and he as much as admitted that he knew he wasn’t attracted to me that way, but he wanted kids and a “normal” life. I don’t care that he’s gay, but I will never forgive him for leading me on so he could use me to have kids, so it’s over, end of story.
The problem is that his family are fundamentalist nutjobs except for a few members and his mother is the interfering MIL from hell. Not being related to her anymore is another plus to leaving. His family doesn’t believe in divorce, so under the guise of picking up some paperwork and other items I had found that were my ex’s, she cornered me about how I’m being childish and marriage is about commitment, forgiveness, and working through problems, etc.
It became apparent that my ex didn’t tell his family that he cheated, he told his mom that I was divorcing him because we weren’t having sex often enough for me. I tried to be patient and explained that he had cheated and that’s why. I wasn’t going to go into greater detail because I know how his parents are and it’s none of their business.
MIL’s advice, I kid you not, was that men are just that way and if I wanted to have sex more and for him not to stray that I should make myself more attractive to my husband and be a better wife. I lost the plot completely. It had been a sad and hard day already and that was the last straw.
Here’s where I might be the AH: I told her that the only thing that would make me more attractive to my ex would be a sex change operation and that I hoped he and his boyfriend adopted her some grandchildren so she could finally shut the hell up about it. Not my finest moment, but she just hit the worst and rawest nerve she could have and I exploded.
It’s evidently turned into a huge family drama, he’s probably going to be disowned, and my ex called sobbing that I’ve ruined his life out of spite. I don’t really know how to feel about it. I do feel bad for him that his parents are such awful people and there were just no “good” outcomes for him, but I also feel like he made his own bed here, too.
Edit - a couple things from comments.
1) there is almost no chance of violence, his family are fundies but not violent ones, they’re more of the Mormon shunning type. One of his cousin came out and left the church and after the initial protests they all just stopped talking to him and basically treated him as if he were dead until he was ready to repent or whatever. They’re passive aggressive, repressed, and weird as all get out, but the chances of anyone physically hurting him are extremely low. He’s not financially dependent on them and has a more than decent job, so he can support himself easily if they kick him out.
2) He’s known he was gay since before he met me, so this wasn’t a new discovery or admission to himself. He has a boyfriend that he’s been dating since six months before we were married. I went through his computer after catching them in the act and kicking him out and found messenger logs and other evidence going back to before he started dating me. He literally set this up so he could have the nice Mormon family on the surface to keep his family happy. That’s it. He never loved me at all, I was just the first girl to express a sustained interest.
Verdict: NTA
&nbsp;
[**Update: AITA for outing my ex to get his mother off my back**](https://www.reddit.com/user/life_after_love/comments/r89j1l/update_aita_for_outing_my_ex_to_get_his_mother/) - 3 December 2021
I didn’t think it was worth bothering the whole AITA sub about and some people seem to think it was a fake post or something, which I guess I can understand because Lord knows I would have had a hard time believing this could happen to me before it happened. But some folks asked how things were going and I don’t have a lot of places to talk openly about what’s happening for obvious reasons, so I thought this might be a good way to get some stuff out of my head and update those who wanted to know at the same time.
I’m grateful for all of the different opinions. I’m so conflicted about the situation myself, it helps to see other people’s reasoning and values on the subject. I feel like I can’t trust my mind right now and the thread has helped me make some peace and move on.
I’ve finally gotten radio silence from my ex’ immediate family after the incident with the MIL so that’s a relief. I work at the same place with a couple of his extended family members so I still have to see them, but they haven’t brought it up. They all know to contact me only through my lawyer now and everything big that belongs to my ex has been passed on already, so anything else can be forwarded through the legal office now. I shouldn’t have to interact directly with them, but it’s hard to avoid people forever in a small town.
My ex tried to break into the house the day that I posted the story while I was at work and I pressed charges. I don’t know how that’s going to shake out or why he’s doing this when it can only get him in worse trouble, but I’m letting my lawyer and the police handle it and I’m staying with my parents for a little while until I feel safer. I don’t know what’s happened between him and his family and I don’t want to try and find out.
My ex and I guess his family before the fight with the MIL spread rumors about me and it’s made living here very hard. It’s a smallish community and people treat me differently now. The local stake president has been kind and, after being told about the cheating (no mention of orientation) said he would try to help with the rumors. I don’t want to leave the area, but I’m thinking that I may need to, at least for awhile, after the legal stuff is over.
My lawyer and I have decided to go for annulment, since that will take less time and be harder to fight in this case. Hopefully the ex won’t contest it. I’m glad that we never combined finances, there won’t be too many joint assets to sort out. I will be okay financially still, this could have been much worse if I was a SAHM or something.
I am going to start therapy soon. I was thinking about it anyway even before this all came out because I’ve been feeling depressed over how things were working in my marriage for awhile. I don’t want to lose anymore of myself and my time than I already have, and I hope one day I’ll feel good enough to start dating again. Right now, I don’t know. Even thinking about it hurts.
A couple of things that I wanted to comment on from responses to the post. I am a Mormon, although an inactive one for much of my life, and I don’t want the entire LDS church to be painted with this brush. My ex and his family aren’t typical, though I know there are people like that out there.
Also, please, don’t generalize about gay people because of my story. There are LGBTQ people close to my heart and they would never do this to anyone. I don’t believe that outing people is generally okay or I wouldn’t feel so bad about all of this. My ex’ family set this up with their intolerance. I wish none of it had happened, for me and for him, too.
Take away, I guess, is don’t out people if you can possibly avoid it. Even if some people see it as justified in the circumstances, it’s not good and it doesn’t feel good. My name a little clearer and I’m not being directly harassed anymore, but that’s it. Now I get to figure out the next step.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 8,755 | "2022-12-06T22:53:05" | AITA for outing my ex as gay to get his mother off my back? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zekswf/aita_for_outing_my_ex_as_gay_to_get_his_mother/ | false | false | [
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zepbh3 | \*\*I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRapolyparents12 in r/relationship_advice
mood spoilers: >!satifying!<
[I am moving to my grandpa's house due to my parent's polyamorous lifestyle.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xkbwqn/i_am_moving_to_my_grandpas_house_due_to_my/) 21 September 2022
Note: Before anyone starts complaining, I don't know why my original account got suspended or why my post got removed
I hate my parents being poly
I want to stay away from my parents and live with my grandpa.
I am 17 years old and home doesn't feel like home ever since I was 10 years old. My parents like to hook up and date other couples. They started doing it since I was around 9 year old. I figured out when I was 12 years old and I was snooping on my mom's phone. I admit it was wrong of me to do that. I thought my mom I was cheating. So I told my dad.
They both sat down with me and told while they love each other, they like to see other people. They assured they weren't getting divorced.
However it's like we stopped being a close family of three but it became me and my parents.
When I was 11 years old I started to be forced to be at a grandpa's 6 and a half days each month. My parents started going on adult vacations with their adult friends more than we went on family vacations. It was extremely isolating. Their dates with other people took more of a priority in their lives. I remember my mom dating a dude when I was 14 years old. She was practically gone almost every other weekend.
I have tried to tell them with how I felt. I just got responses like "We love you but we're more than just your parents. We have a live too." Too an extent, I get that. I mean the world shouldn't revolve around me. But it seems that this other life they have is more important than being around me.
Despite being the kid, I've put so much in trying to spend time with my parents just to be pushed away. I did so recently but I have given up.
My dad hates going to Canada so I asked my mom if we can take a short trip there, just the two of us. I asked here if we could do it anytime during August. She said she couldn't go since her and dad would have to go on a business trip.
Two days after that,I found out it was a lie. I was upstairs and my laptop wasn't working. So I asked if I could borrow hers. She said yes and told me it was in her bedroom. She had multiple tabs open. As I was working on the computer. I got an instagram message saying "We can't wait to see you and hubby on the trip." I opened it up and my heart broke. Apparently their "business trip" was vacation with another couple at an adult resort.
I poured my heart out to my grandpa. He felt really bad for me. He told me to wait for my 18th Birthday. It's four days from now and I can't wait to leave this pathetic excuse of a family.
[Update: I am moving to my grandparent's house due to my parents' polyamorous lifestyle](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xm9ybk/update_i_am_moving_to_my_grandparents_house_due/) \- 23 September 2022
Well the situation got worse. Yesterday my mom asked me what I want to do on my birthday. I told her I am going to hang out with my friends after school. She asked about doing a party like last year. I told I would rather just kick it with my friends and go bowling. Then she asked if I wanted her and dad to take me out for breakfast. Again, I told them I wasn't interested. My wonderful dad told me to spend some time with them and "think about us" for once in a while.
I guess I've been bottling up my emotions for a while now and I was about to lose my shit any day soon. Well, I lost my shit there and then. I told my dad to shut the hell up. My parents were shocked. My mom admonished me for talking to my dad that way. Then I told her to shut the hell up too. I revealed that I knew about the trip. I straight up told them " I know these activities of yours are your own business but it always seems those activities mattered more than me. Stop pretending you give a shit about me."
I went up to my room. I could hear my mom crying downstairs. I packed my shit. I called my grandpa to pick me up. My mom was worried and asked me where I was going. Then they both started following me outside the house. My grandpa was waiting in the driveway. My dad asked him what was going on. My grandpa was pretty blunt and told him everything. Then he said he was disappointed in my dad. My dad started to get emotional and told to put my stuff back in the house and that we can talk about it. My grandpa said it was too late. Then my dad snapped and told him to not to get involved and what my grandpa is doing is illegal. My mom started to beg me to come back and said we can talk about this situation. I ignored her.
I am chilling at my grandpa's home it was only five minutes from my school so I'm lucky in that way I guess.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 7,391 | "2022-12-07T02:14:30" | OP is moving to his grandparent's house due to his parents. | CONCLUDED | QuestionPowerful7 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zepbh3/op_is_moving_to_his_grandparents_house_due_to_his/ | false | false | [
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zeqwku | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T03:33:31" | AITA for exposing the true paternity of my friend's son at her family gathering? | NEW UPDATE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeqwku/aita_for_exposing_the_true_paternity_of_my/ | false | false | [
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zer80z | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T03:50:00" | AITA for exposing the true paternity of my friend's son at her family gathering? | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zer80z/aita_for_exposing_the_true_paternity_of_my/ | false | false | [
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zes6rh | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/hopeful-courage32 in r/trueoffmychest.
Trigger Warnings - >!infidelity, revenge porn!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z4uh6i/im_finally_ready_to_leave_my_husband_but_he_cant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (26 Nov 22)
**I'm finally ready to leave my husband but he can't understand why**
My story is probably the opposite of anyone here, but for me it made sense even though it doesn't for my husband and the rest of the family. I needed to write somewhere to see if there is anybody out there who understands me or am I as anyone around me believes, going mental? I found this from a YouTuber.
My husband cheated on me 5 years ago on a work trip. His colleague sent me the sex tape she made. Apparently they slept together. She used the tape to get him to start a relationship with her and when he refused she exposed him to me. I was in utter shock. This just couldn't happen to us? How could he do this to me when he said he loved me so much? I couldn't take the images out of my head. I was broken and paralyzed I think because while the normal reaction should have been yell and shout and leave him, I just went into a depression and was too weak to take actions. He asked for marriage counseling and for two years I lived in this depressed trance and I honestly don't remember thinking of anything but my husband and his affair, seeing the images she sent me whenever I closed my eyes.
After a few months and with the therapist's recommendation he tried to get intimate with me but it just triggered my ptsd. I was so embarrassed to give him my body, when it wasn't enough for him. I felt so disgusting and ugly and him touching me was so so shameful, like why would he want something that wasn't enough? something so disgusting. He tried to make me believe that I was beautiful and more than enough and that it was him not me and it was never about me not being enough but for me it was all lies and a bunch of gibberish. I knew for a fact I was disgusting and I had proof: my husband's cheating.
After two years things were getting brighter. The nightmares and images started fading and individual and couples therapy did miracles. I started to love myself again and sometimes it went days without e thinking of my husbands affair. We started having sex again after 3 years and while the image of him with her was always there I thought that I just had to live with it.
Here is where I might be weird. Now, five years later I'm fully happy, feel that I have gained back the control over my life and I put that whole ordeal behind me, at the same time now, I feel that my marriage is over. My husband is in total disarray. Why now when we are finally happy again. When I'm back to be my old self and finally is over what he did. I even forgave him (I did). But I don't understand his confusion. For me now I'm happy and strong again, I feel I want more. from myself, my life and from the man I share my life with. I couldn't leave when I was too weak to think properly and without bias. I couldn't leave when I didnt have a free will, consumed by grief. Why can't he see that it was a healthy way of thinking not making decisions while hurting? am I wrong?
I'm 35 now. I want to start a family. I want to start this family with someone who would never have done this to me. doesn't this make sense
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z87lva/im_finally_ready_to_leave_my_husband_but_he_cant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (1 Dec 22)
**I'm finally ready to leave my husband but he can't understand why, Update**
Hi everyone, I will make my update short but I felt that I have to since you asked for an update. Thank you so much for the support, ngl these past couple of days have been very emotional for me. I don't know but just putting my story out there and receiving all the support diid a number on me.
I showed my husband this post and the comments and I showed him the many drafts I made that were longer with more details about what I went through that I didn't feel were necessary to include. He cried the whole time he was reading, especially the comments from the men and women who went through the same experience. He said he always knew how wrong he did me and that never a day went by without him thinking about how he hurt me for nothing. Now, when he read how long it really took me to heal, 5 years of my life because of one hour of pointless sex, he apologized and said that couldn't give me back what he took but that he won't stand in the way of my happiness.
He promised me an amicable divorce. He said he will always love. He just requested to celebrate one last Christmas together. He is moving out after.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 8,505 | "2022-12-07T04:40:24" | OOP - I'm finally ready to leave my husband but he can't understand why. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zes6rh/oop_im_finally_ready_to_leave_my_husband_but_he/ | false | false | [
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zeslwb | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T05:03:11" | Entitled dad breaks OOP's leg because he continuously blocked his son from scoring | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeslwb/entitled_dad_breaks_oops_leg_because_he/ | false | false | [
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zeswda | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/unlikely_librarian85 in r/trueoffmychest.
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ybstoi/i_need_my_husband_to_agree_to_moving_to_another/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (24 Oct 22)
**I need my husband to agree to moving to another city because I have feelings for BIL**
My, f39 husband m50 of 11 years and his sister f41 are very close. We meet her and her husband BIL m40 all the time. Sunday dinner is always with them at our or their place, occasionally other family members join us from my or my husband's side of the family but the constant is us four (and SIL's 3 children). I get along very well with SIL and BIL. we never had issues.
&#x200B;
I started having feelings for BIL about 5 years ago. I know people here would call it "emotional affair" but it wasn't , yet. I kept it very secret and nobody noticed. I love my husband very much and I don't want to ruin our beautiful marriage . We are awesome together and our bond is strong. My feelings for BIL were very confusing at first and I went years without realizing what they were because I love my husband so how can I love another.
&#x200B;
When BIL turned 40. They had a big party and I stayed after to clean because SIL had to take care of the children so it was me and BIL cleaning. He was still a bit tipsy and he told methat he's been in love with me since I married my husband. I was shocked. He has always been nice to me and complimented me but I never felt anything more. I tried to ignore him so he said it again. I told him to go to bed, he tried to argue but I insisted that he went to bed and let me clean by myself.
&#x200B;
He probably knows that I love him too because of something he said. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we stopped pretending and just told them? We only live once. HOW DID HE KNOW? I cried for weeks afterwards and when my husband saw that I was sad he was very concerned and was so nice to me and it made me cry even more. The guilt is physically painful. I have developed ulcers.
&#x200B;
This happened last summer and ever since I've tried to avoid seeing SIL and BIL. With how frequent we met before there was never one good excuse. Soon my husband was irritated with me accusing me of not liking his family. SIL called a few times to wonder. Now she has started saying that I wanted to come between her and her brother because I never liked their closeness. I go to the dinners and ignore BIL all together and SIL is mad that it feels like I hate her when I actually love her like a sister.
&#x200B;
My husband got a new job offer a city that's 20 hours away. I want him to take it. But its in a very small town and he is surprised that I a "renowned" city girl want to move to a small town. I don't know what to do. I want my husband to take this job but I don't know how to convince him. BIL texted me begging not to do it and he promised not to bother me again but just not to move away. Tt doesn't sit well with me. As long as it was one sided it felt less serious but now it feels like an emotional affair and I don't want to be in it. why can I do?
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/yhgvjr/now_my_sil_and_bil_are_separating_my_husband_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (30 Oct 22)
**Now my SIL and BIL are separating, my husband is hesitant about taking the new job in the new city**
Hi!
I was here a week ago (read that post because I will not repeat my story). I honestly didn't expect to be so judged and hated. I read my post over and over again, trying to understand where there could have been any misunderstanding about me being interested in acting on my feelings. There was none so I guess people just wanted to judge which is sad because I have seen how people can be supportive in here. Anyhow, I stumbled upon a few kind souls that didn't treat me like I was disgusting human garbage so I'm here again with an update because my life just got more complicated and I'm so desperate, Those who read my first post know that I haven't talked to anybody about this.
I want to stress the point that I have never once contemplated acting on my feelings toward BIL not even when he confessed that he had feelings for me. On the contrary, when he told me that he was in love with me I was more adamant to do everything in my power to forget him. I have never spoken or looked his way since that confession and I'm not planning to ever speak to him again either.
After my post I had a talk again to my husband about the job in the little town. I told him that I wanted the new adventure, especially when it came with a 25% increase in his salary and a higher up position. My husband has been complaining about how he isn't advancing in his career in our city. I told him that this could be the step he needed. I'm a nurse, and I could easily fins jobs anywhere we went because we have a shortage in healthcare staff everywhere. The idea started to grow on him, he was skeptical because of the distance to our families but he was intrigued. He booked a job interview that is supposed to happen on Wednesday. If he took the job we would be relocating around new year. I was so hopeful that I could finally breathe.
Today is Sunday and it was, per usual, the day we meet up with family for dinner. this did't happen this week however and I'm spending this Sunday alone. My husband is staying with SIL because earlier this week BIL broke the news to her that he wanted a divorce. SIL is beside herself with shock and my husband is there to try and mediate between her and her husband. BIL is refusing to talk to any of them and has only been there twice to see the kids. My husband told me now that he couldn't take this job because he needed to stay here and support his sister. I understand where he is coming from but for me all the horror and anxiety is back. What can I do? I feel trapped like the walls are closing in around me.
I can't tell my husband my true reasons. I have tried so many times but I just can't do it. I love him so much and I know him very well. He will be hurt and devastated . We have had issues throughout our marriage with him not being able to preform due to health problems and we haven't had sex in over 8 years. He is so self conscious about. I just can't hurt him about something like this.
I think my options now are to stay put and support my husband and SIL. If they (BIL&SIL) can save their marriage in any way then maybe my husband could find a new job opportunity in another city in the future and agree to move. If they divorce, then I won't be seeing BIL any more.
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z8922a/im_leaving_my_husband_and_i_know_that_im_being_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (30 Nov 22)
**I'm leaving my husband and I know that I'm being a horrible, selfish person for it.**
&#x200B;
I don't know how I feel about this. It is probably too early for me to do this horrible thing when my SIL just got separated but I don't see any improvement in the horizon. (please read my other posts for context but if you don't want to SIL and BIL has separated about a month ago and my husband has been busy being SIL's support).
When my husband told me he was not taking the job up north because of SIL's marital problems, I understood that and was supportive. We have always been close to my SIL and my husband loves his sister and her children. I always admired their bond because I was never this close to my family. He stopped spending weekends with me and instead staying with SIL and the children and even several days a week when he doesn't even text me after work that he was spending the evening with the children. I didn't mind it because this is all new and SIL isn't coping well after the separation. I told my husband that I missed him though, and that I wanted to be with him and maybe I should tag along some days. He said that I was being selfish for wanting the attention now. His sister needed the support I should be more understanding. She and BIL have been together since they were very young and she wasn't adjusting well with these new changes. I felt horrible and so selfish. I thought that I should be supportive.
Every Christmas, on Boxing Day, my husband and I travel to somewhere warm and spend 2-3 weeks. It has been our tradition since we met. We book this trip months early (April). Yesterday when I was talking about our trip, my husband was so surprised. He said that he was actually astonished that I thought that we would just go on with our plans when SIL's life is turned upside down. I told him that this was our thing and that his sister has her own family. I wanted my family, HIM. I told him that I fully understood that she needs his support but that I've been very lonely lately. He told me to drop the subject.
Today I chatted with the traveling agency to see if I could add my SIL and her children. I thought that maybe it would be a good change of climate. Well they would have to take a separate flight but other than that it was possible even with such short notice to add them so I called my husband to tell him the news. He was very excited. when he came home later, he told me that his sister didn't agree however so we are staying. I asked him why and he said that she didn't want to be around "happy couples" right now. It was all I could do to hold back my tears.
When my husband got that job offer in the small town up north, I started browsing job opportunities and I sent my CV around. One hospital answered me a week ago. I think I want to take the job. After what happened today I just logged in and made an appointment for a job interview. I know that my SIL is hurting and that my husband is admirable for being there for her. This is all just so new for everyone and a big life change for SIL and her children but I feel like I'm no 2 in my own life. I feel neglected and like I have the supporting role in my own movie.
I'm leaving my husband. I'm taking the new job and I will go with the plans and move to that small town and get away from everything and everyone. I think I need this new start. Judge me all you want. I know you will.
# Edit for Update
Thank you so much everyone, I never expected the amount of the heartwarming comments and the awards. I have been crying since yesterday reading your beautiful DM's. I felt like some of you hit the nail on many details that I have left out and I'm astounded and even scared that some of you seemed to know my innermost thoughts and fears but then I remember that nobody who knows me in person knows any of this.
I love my husband, I will probably never love anyone like I love him but yes, I have been very unhappy for a long time. As I said I always admired my husband for the love he has for his sister. He basically raised her because their parents were having issues and she was left for him to raise when he was a child himself. His warmth and compassion is what made me fall for him but does it make sense that it is also what's making me miserable? I have always known I'm his second but I have always thought that this will change with time. First I thought because I'm not family and after I became his wife I thought because we dont have children. When SIL started having children I felt that I was pushed down the ladder of my husbands priorities. I have told him this before and he just told me I was being ridiculous "competing" with children. I remember telling him that it wasn't just that. We should be each other's priority because even if his sister loves him, he is not her priority and never will be because she has a family now. We never agreed on this matter. I felt like there was some truth in what he said too, I was competing with children and his sister, besides I thought he would be there when I needed him. Except he wasn't. my mental health has been declining this year but he wasn't as warm and compassionate as I always known him to be, the very things that made me so much in love with him. And these past months since BIL confessed his feelings, my husband never once tried to listen to me. Never once he tried to understand why I didn't want to join them for the usual Sunday dinner and never once told me he was staying with me instead since I obviously didn't want to go, on the contrary, it became something he was bothered about even with my body physically reacting to my mental state. I have developed ulcers and lost crazy amounts of weight and hair.
I guess him cancelling the Christmas trip was just the straw. I love him but I can't anymore. I have spoken to him today before he went to his sister. I told him that he has known for months now that I'm unhappy and that I wanted to leave this city. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and I apologized that I chose this very inconvenient time when his sister is suffering but that I couldn't do it anymore. He looked at me and was silent and the disappointment in his eyes just broke me. He said that he couldn't believe that I have no compassion what so ever when a family member is suffering and yet I still want to go about my life as usual. Would the world end if we skipped our tradition ONCE when he is needed somewhere else. I started crying because I couldn't reach out to him and yes if simplified he is in the right. This looks like me sulking about a trip. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore. we are talking past each other and none of us wants to understand the other. He left. He texted me now that he never thought me to be selfish and that if I should do what I see fit. He will not stand in my way.
I don't know if he will be coming back.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 7,035 | "2022-12-07T05:19:03" | OOP - I need my husband to agree to moving to another city because I have feelings for BIL. | ONGOING | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeswda/oop_i_need_my_husband_to_agree_to_moving_to/ | false | false | [
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zesxbl | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T05:20:26" | AITA for not giving anyone my earrings in my will? | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zesxbl/aita_for_not_giving_anyone_my_earrings_in_my_will/ | false | false | [
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zet4gi | **I am not the OP, this is a repost sub.**
Mood spoiler: >!Happy ending for OOP, but mysterious!<
All times listed are in PST (where this takes place)
\-
[**Sitter Won't Let Me Help Pick Up/Retrieve Cat**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/sitter_wont_let_me_help_pick_upretrieve_cat/) posted in r/RoverPetSitting by u/nutritionlabel on November 27, 2022 (1am)
Hey all, posting for a friend (owner) because as a sitter, I could not fathom this type of response or this situation.
Her pickup for her cat was supposed to occur at 10 PM last night (Saturday PST), but she arrived early at 7 PM. When she arrived, the sitter grabbed her cat's carrier, but he supposedly ran away and hid under the sitter's bed. The sitter can't retrieve him, and after trying for a while, claimed she needed to get to bed. She asked my friend to return tomorrow at 5 AM to pick him up, and changed the pickup time. She won't let my friend into the house to assist with his retrieval, even as a last resort. My friend was able to drop off food and litter for the extra night, but that was the extent of it. The strange excuse she keeps giving my friend is that she has company over, and there isn't enough... room? for everyone in the house.
I asked if she got photographic proof of the cat under the bed, but she didn't get any. The sitter only sent a picture of the food already eaten. My main concern is that her cat is missing/hurt, and this is a strange way of buying time. Any advice as to how to proceed? Not too concerned about being charged extra, as we can always dispute, but worried about how to deal with this sitter.
Update: Hi all, my friend is in the thread now, but she's currently dealing with law enforcement. Lots in the air--thanks for all your support. She'll update when she can.
\-
[**Comment**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/ixynn7p/?context=3) from u/guccigrandma_ on November 27, 2022 (4am)
Hi everybody, I’m the friend of the person who posted this (the post is about my cat). She hasn’t let me in at all (not during the meet and greet as she said she was dog sitting so we had to meet in a public place) and not when I went to drop him off either (I asked if I could go in to help him get settled, which would also allow me to see the house, but she said I wouldn’t be able to go in because the house was not “set up” or something super vague). I’m going to leave in an hour to try and get him (haven’t slept at all due to anxiety from this situation) and I’m not sure what to do if she still doesn’t let me get him. I’m ready to get the police involved at this point if she still doesn’t let me get him today.
Also, just to clarify, yes, the pickup was a few hours earlier than scheduled, but since the original booking (which took place 3 weeks before the trip) I made it clear that I wasn’t sure what time I would be returning to the area so I could pick up my cat, which she said was fine. I also kept the sitter extremely updated with the pickup times and let her know the ETA as well as any updates on the ETA due to traffic, stops, etc. so her not letting me in had nothing to do with the fact that I got there earlier than scheduled.
\-
**Comments** from u/guccigrandma_ on November 27, 2022
**4am:**
Hi, it’s my cat in the post (I’m the kitty mama). The one thing that’s keeping me calm is that he is a scared little guy that is TERRIFIED of the outside world. The few times I have tried to take him outside he has refused and has gone to hide in my closet, so I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t have ran away. He’s also microchipped as well and his collar has my contact info on it.
**5am:**
She did send lots of pictures and let me know every time she fed him so i’m really hoping it’s just a little awkward too. I’m currently outside her house waiting for her to bring him out. Will do my best to keep everybody updated!!
**10am:**
Sorry for not updating sooner. I haven’t yet. She said he went to hide under the bed again and she refused to let me in because she “doesn’t let anybody into her personal space” and she refused to wait for longer because she had to go to work at 7am. She said when she gets back in the afternoon she would try and lure him out again with her friend.
She told me her strategy was to basically open the door and let him run out and have me catch him because this “silliness is not worth getting clawed over”.
The ONLY reason I haven’t gotten Rover involved yet is that I’m afraid that if they contact her she will be even less likely to give him back and she’ll fully stop replying to me altogether.
She did call me when we were supposed to meet and she told me she was trying to put his leash on, which I’m holding on to for hope because if SHE reached out to me then maybe he’s safe and ok and she WANTS to give him back but she’s just extremely selfish and unprofessional.
**10am:**
For everybody waiting on an update:
It is now 10am. I went to pick him up at 5am and was there outside her place until 7am trying to get him back. I haven’t gotten him back yet. She said he went to hide under the bed again and she refused to let me in because she “doesn’t let anybody into her personal space” and she refused to wait for longer because she had to go to work at 7am. She also repeatedly kept slamming the door in my face in the middle of my sentences. She said when she gets back in the afternoon she would try and lure him out again with her friend.
She told me her strategy was to basically open the door and let him run out and have me catch him because this “silliness is not worth getting clawed over”.
I just called Rover to find out what I can do and they’re going to contact her to find out what these “privacy concerns” are and why she won’t let me in to get him, and to ask if I can just go in really quick to grab him and then go right back out.
She did call me when we were supposed to meet and she told me she was trying to put his leash on, which I’m holding on to for hope because if SHE reached out to me then maybe he’s safe and ok and she WANTS to give him back but she’s just extremely selfish and unprofessional.
IF I haven’t gotten him back by tonight, I’ll getting the police involved.
**Additional \~10am comments:**
Just called \[Rover\]. They said the best they can do is call her to find out what the privacy issues are in terms of why she won’t let me in, and if there’s any way she could just let me in for a few seconds to grab my boy. They said they’ll call me back shortly.
Nope, she’s at home, I’ve seen her and she’s come out and talked to me multiple times when I went to drop off more supplies last night because she said she had to go to bed and this morning when I was supposed to pick him up she was there but she said she had to “go to the store so she could be back in time for work” so she left her apartment, I waited for her to get back (she said she would try and lure him out again when she got back from the store), and when she got back she basically slammed the door in my face.
She knows exactly where he is, she just says she can’t get him out because he won’t come when she calls him, and refuses to let me in despite me saying he is much more likely to come when I, as his mom, call him
**11am:**
Yes. \[Rover\] reached out to the sitter to find out why she isn’t letting me in. No response. I’m on the phone with them again to speak to their Trust and Visibility team because she told me the app “records everything” which is why she isn’t too bothered with pictures so I’m going to ask for a recording of him from today or preferably right now. And then as soon as I get off the phone with them I’m going to the police.
Also, his collar has a tag with my phone number on it, so hopefully they would call me first.
**12pm:**
I just got off the phone with the cops, they’re going to go with me to get my cat.
\-
[**Petsitter won't let owner retrieve cat**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/z6hek5/petsitter_wont_let_owner_retrieve_cat/) posted in r/legaladvice by u/nutritionlabel on November 27, 2022 (4pm)
Hi all, please view [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/sitter_wont_let_me_help_pick_upretrieve_cat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) on the Rover subreddit for adtl context.
My friend's cat was boarded overnight from Wednesday, 11/23, and was set for pickup last night on Saturday, 11/26 at 10 PM PST. She arrived early for pickup at 7 PM, but the sitter had issues retrieving the cat, and wouldn't let her in to assist as a last resort. The sitter asked her to return at 5 AM today (11/27) to retrieve him, as she had to sleep early for work. Strange, being that the initial pickup time was 10 PM.
At 5 AM, the cat was again unable to be retrieved. As of last night, there has been no proof of life--no live photos, videos, etc. to prove the cat is actually in her care still. There were photos earlier in the booking, though. At 7 AM, the owner contacted Rover's support, who also couldn't get in contact with the sitter (their own contractor). They could not determine what privacy reasons prevented the sitter from letting the owner in.
Around noon, she called the non-emergency line, who would only send a mediator to talk to both parties, and convince the sitter to let her in. The sitter, now at work, is unreachable. The emergency line/911 is then called, and the sheriff is sent to the owner's house. The police have now remarked that nothing can be done because there is no reasonable suspicion that the sitter is withholding the cat intentionally. They again can only send a mediator/civic officer to the house, IF the sitter is able to provide them with an availability. The sitter is unreachable still, so they cannot arrange for anyone to visit the house.
The only course of action they suggest is pressing criminal charges, which would then allow a judge to issue a subpoena. Animal Control is on holiday at the moment, and is out of office until Tuesday. What is the next available course of action at the moment? We are fearful for the safety and well-being of a live animal, but I am more suspicious that the cat is not well/missing, and the sitter is buying time. Does she press charges, or is there another way to insist the police check on the wellfare of the sitter/animal?
The sitter has been "at work" since 7/8 AM PST, and it is now 4 PM PST. She has been unreachable, even after the owner has communicated that law enforcement has been involved. This pertains to NorCal/San Jose area.
Thank you!
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/iy1d91h/?context=3) from u/nutritionlabel November 27, 2022 (4pm)
Law enforcement has been contacted, but there is nothing in place that allows them to enter/demand entry. The sitter is apparently still at work, and has been unreachable, even after she has communicated that law enforcement needs to work with her.
Unfortunately, there is no substantial update I can give because the civil/non-emergency officers won't stick around for longer than 20-30 minutes, and we cannot get in touch with the sitter to get an estimate of when she'll be home. She's not being treated as a criminal, so all we're waiting on is an opportunity for mediation. I haven't had the best input on the legal advice sub either, as we're looking for "loopholes" to get the officers to revisit her house without a warrant. All this to say, law enforcement came and went.
Please visit the post on [r/legaladvice](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/) [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/z6hek5/petsitter_wont_let_owner_retrieve_cat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) if you have any further advice or wish for an update. Sorry this isn't more positive. We are hoping for the best for Cheese.
\-
**Comments** from u/nutritionlabel November 27, 2022
**6pm:**
Thank you, we'll look into filing a report with Animal Control ASAP. I also feel like he's missing at this point, if not long before. It will probably be a separate legal issue entirely then regarding the sitter's liability.
**7pm:**
She tried to contact Animal Control, but they're closed until Tuesday. I might suggest calling 911 if they have an emergency line though.
**7:30pm:**
Nope, we cannot be sure of the sitter's whereabouts at all anymore. We know she left the house in the morning, and has been unreachable by the owner AND Rover since then.
I believe she has been back to snoop around the house, but there are blinds that prevent you from looking in.
I asked to see the sitter's profile immediately yesterday, and it's glowing. 15 or so verified stays, 5-star reviews commending her for her communication and skill.
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/iy27yue/?context=3) from u/guccigrandma_ November 27, 2022 (8pm)
Another update (I’m the owner):
* called the cops. They can’t physically open the door or anything and they just recommended I press criminal charges.
* it is 8:24pm. I am currently waiting near her house for a pair of Civil Standby officers to escort me to her house to try and get him back. They cannot FORCE anything but they can mediate to make sure the situation doesn’t escalate and get violent. Additionally, this is one of the most unsafe streets in the area so I am very scared to be here at night, so I will have to leave around 9:30 if the officers haven’t arrived by then. The dispatcher was unable to give me an ETA but said that the officers will try to be here ASAP.
* she FINALLY replied to me around 7:30pm. She was very angry that I “lied to Rover” by telling them she wasn’t giving me an ETA. She said I need to come through NOW because if I’m not here by the time she “gets too comfortable and falls asleep” she’s not opening the door for me and I’ll have to “try again another time”. She’s also “extending the stay” on Rover so this could def be an attempt to extort money from me.
* if I don’t get him back TONIGHT I’m filing charges first thing tomorrow morning.
* Several people have been asking where this is all happening. This situation is taking place in San Jose, CA.
I understand that everybody is eager for an update and I am extremely grateful for the support. But there really hasn’t been an update in that I STILL don’t have him back yet. I was supposed to have him back 24 hours ago. Also, I’ll do my best to keep everybody updated but I am trying to just hold myself together enough to get him back. I haven’t slept in like 2 days and I haven’t been able to eat at all today because I’m too nauseous and anxious to get anything down so please be patient with me.
I’d like to also give a GINORMOUS hug to my friend that posted this thread. She’s been constantly there for me the entire day and checking in and doing everything she can to help me out. She’s also been posting updates on my behalf when I was too emotionally messed up to.
\-
**Comment** from u/guccigrandma_ November 27, 2022 (9pm)
Cops are currently knocking at her door. My dad and I are waiting in my car nearby for an update. They’ve been up there for some time so I’m hoping they made progress.
\-
**Update** from u/nutritionlabel November 27, 2022 (10pm)
UPDATE 2 11/27 10 PM: The police have entered the sitter's house, while the owner observed from outside. Legally, they could not force the sitter to allow entry. CHEESE WAS SPOTTED! Unfortunately, they again had issues retrieving him, as he was under furniture. The sitter did ask police to leave her house, and communicated to them that she will contact the owner tomorrow for another pickup. It's infuriating that there is this much red tape, but at least he's safe and located. If she does not allow the owner in again tomorrow, then the police will return.
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/iy4fytu/?context=3) from u/guccigrandma on November 28, 2022 (10am)
Hi everybody,
One more update morning of 11/28 10AM:
* sitter told me to come back at 1pm and she told me to call animal control (she’s willing to let animal control inside) because they’ll have the tools to trap him but no animal control in my area is available today. However, all the animal control 3rd party agencies I called said all they would do is trap Cheese (my cat) in a cage that they would lure him into using sardines. Given how motivated he is by food, I’m thinking if I can make the cage look like his cave bed, especially if I use my blanket that he loves, he might be more likely to go in.
* I’m going to be going with civil standby officers to her house again today because she let them in yesterday. Unfortunately because he is considered property, the emergency cops say they can’t do anything because it would be civil jurisdiction and not criminal (which is BULLSHIT and I am honestly LIVID about it but there still isn’t anything I can do about it) but the civil standby officers yesterday were able to go inside her home and spot Cheese (they told me he is safe and uninjured, just extremely scared) so I’m assuming she’ll let them in today as well.
Hopefully with the combination of the cops and the trap, I’ll be able to get him home today.
Honestly I’m just fucking exhausted and sad and I’m doing everything I possibly can to get my poor baby back. I just hate everything right now and I’m so stressed but I’m trying so hard to think positively; the cops said she was pretty adamant on getting him back to me because she’s fed up about the situation (even though she STILL won’t let me into her residence??) and I talked on the phone with the sitter this morning and she was relatively cooperative. I’m just so so tired and I just want him back.
ALSO, I saw that some people have found the sitter on Rover. If you have, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ANY NEGATIVE REVIEWS UNTIL I HAVE CHEESE BACK. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT HER. PLEASE. SHE IS ALREADY EXTREMELY ANGRY AND WE DO NOT NEED HER TO BE ANY LESS COOPERATIVE THAN SHE IS AT THIS MOMENT.
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/iy73i05/?context=3) from u/guccigrandma on November 28, 2022 (10pm)
Update 11/28 10PM:
* STILL haven’t gotten him back.
* police really cannot do anything to force her to let me in so I decided my ONLY option to get him soon would be to work with her and try to figure out what can be done without going inside
* I bought and set up a Havahart cat trap (they are humane) and placed sardines inside. around 3pm today, I gave it to her and she took it inside but he still isn’t getting in. She hasn’t fed him today because we are hoping that when he gets hungry enough he will go into the cage by himself.
* if he isn’t inside the cage by the time she wakes up tomorrow I’m calling a local Animal Trapper because she is willing to let animal control in. This trapper has been extremely helpful and optimistic; she really believes that eventually Cheese WILL get hungry and curious enough to go inside the cage to get the sardines. But apparently domesticated cats usually take longer to get in because they’re not AS hungry. However, if he doesn’t, she will use her catchpoke (stick with loop at the end she can use to drag him into the trap) to force him into the trap. It sucks because he’ll be terrified and will hate it but at this point since the sitter is STILL not letting me in and I have no fucking laws that are on my side here that would force her to let me in so that is my only option
* will update when I can tomorrow.
I REALLY REALLY need success stories about trapping cats. I need to hear about ANY AND ALL times you guys have been successful in trapping cats. My anxiety is going haywire and I’m so beyond worried he won’t get into the trap or that the animal trapper won’t be able to reach him if he goes under the bed. I just need reassurance that we’ll be able to trap him. I need to be able to breathe through tonight.
Please also send any positive stories about owners being reunited with their pets. PLEASE no stories that ended without a reunion, I really don’t need to hear that right now.
Thank you 💞
EDIT 11/29 6:30AM:
* HE IS SUCCESSFULLY TRAPPED IN THE CAGE!!!! I AM SO FUCKING HAPPYYYYY!!!
* the sitter told me to go pick him up at 8:30am. I double checked that she’s able to pick up and move the cage as she previously stated she’s not physical enough to move the bed and I just really don’t want any more obstacles (he’s a big cat around 15lbs) and she said she’s sure she can. I am so happy right now.
EDIT 11/29 9AM:
THE UPDATE YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! HE IS SAFELY AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY!!! Will write more later but rn just spending time with him!!
\-
**Update** from u/nutritionlabel November 29, 2022 (9am)
FINAL UPDATE 11/29 9 AM: CHEESE IS HOME! The owner will make an update at some point, but thanks for all your support and care for Cheese. See her update [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/sitter_wont_let_me_help_pick_upretrieve_cat/iy90hio?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/iy90hio/?context=3) from u/guccigrandma_ November 29, 2022 (9:30am)
11/29 9:30AM- (SEMI) FINAL UPDATE THAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
CHEESE IS FINALLY BACK HOME WITH HIS FAMILY!!
WE ARE SO FUCKIMG HAPPY RIGHT WE MISSED HIM SO MUCH AND WE WERE SO WORRIED!!! I picked him up about an hour ago.
I’m gonna spend today just chilling with him and then tomorrow I’m gonna start figuring out what to do to make sure nobody else goes through this.
thank you to everybody for the support!!! knowing that so many people were looking out for my baby was so helpful in keeping my morale up. ESPECIALLY thankful for OP (my homegirl and also former housemate in college <3) for everything she has done for me, from making this post to checking in on me regularly to posting in the legal advice subreddit to find out what all options I had in this situation.
Idk how to post pics in a Reddit comment, but here is a link to one of my previous posts with some pictures of my silly boy <3
[https://www.reddit.com/r/CatsCalledFood/comments/x64bun/my\_cat\_cheese\_just\_adopted\_him\_last\_month\_and\_we/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatsCalledFood/comments/x64bun/my_cat_cheese_just_adopted_him_last_month_and_we/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
**Comments** from u/guccigrandma_ November 29, 2022
**1pm:**
He is his normal silly snuggly self!! He hid in the closet for a few minutes but was immediately in my lap after that. And of course loudly meowing for breakfast which I missed 💞 I had to go to work so I don’t know how he’s doing at the moment but I’ll be home in about 2 hours so I’ll do my best to update one more time on his behavior then!!
edit: another update about his behavior- He’s a little bit shier than he was before I dropped him off at the sitter (he sat in the closet a few times today whenever there were unexpected noises in the house, such as the roomba that my parents auto set to turn on at 4pm every day and also my brother doing burpees in his room LOL but him being a little scared is to be expected given what a stressful situation he was just in) but overall he is doing well!! He is currently lying on my tummy enjoying butt scratches.
I am still recovering from the experience as well, I still get somewhat nervous that I’m gonna wake up and it was just a dream that I got him back or something and I’m not fully back to my normal self but both Cheese and I will be healed soon 💞
**Various all around 11pm:**
It definitely didn’t make sense.
She said she was too afraid to pick him up because he “had his claws out” (because he was scared) and “it isn’t worth getting scratched over such silliness”. She also said if he scratches her she WOULD go to the hospital and I would have to pay her hospital bills (I told Rover support about this and they said that according to the business contract sitters have with Rover that’s simply not true).
My cat allows me to put him into his carrier. He’s not thrilled about it, but he doesn’t let his claws out and he just gives in to the fact that he’s gonna get into the carrier. But even when I told her that she refused to let me in. She was upset that the situation hadn’t been resolved but refused to let me in even though I’d be the most likely to be able to resolve it.
She refused to even open her front door enough for me to properly see Cheese. I was able to see him after he had turned around, but he wouldn’t have been able to see me because I wasn’t even in the doorway yet before he turned around and walked away. But she said the fact that he “turned around after seeing me” made it clear that even if I went inside to call him that wouldn’t work because he “doesn’t like me”. It was absolute bullshit that made NO sense at all but he’s back home with me now which is all that matters.
\-
Idk what sitter you found but if it’s the same one that others found (not sure who they found either tho) but I’m p sure y’all have found the correct one.
Haven’t had the energy to leave a review today but I plan to leave a review and a written statement tomorrow !!
\-
I most definitely didn’t accept \[an extension of the booking\]!! Rover also told me not to accept it and they said they’re giving me a full refund too
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/comments/z5wirz/comment/iy90hio/?context=3) (via edit) from u/guccigrandma_ November 30, 2022 (10am)
**Edit** 11/30 10AM:
* Just spoke to Rover, they want to get my written statement about the situation so that they can do a safety evaluation on the sitter. They also have copies of our correspondence since almost all of it was via text, and she has sent me some extremely rude messages that clearly show she has no empathy/concern for either me or Cheese, so I will definitely tell them to look through our messages as well.
\-
**Comments** from u/guccigrandma_ November 30, 2022 (11am)
All of those messages were before I got Cheese back. There has been no correspondence since I got him back and I plan to keep it that way.
I have no idea if she actually attempted, to be honest, as she refused to even let me GLANCE inside to see how she was trying to put Cheese inside the carrier.
She DID extend the stay (she modified the booking to reflect the added time) but of course I did not accept it. So it definitely looks like she was trying to extort me or something.
But on the other hand, she kept saying she was angry this was going on so long because she has other bookings coming up so she needs him out, but was doing pretty much nothing to actually facilitate getting him out of her apartment and back to me.
\-
Yep, he was a rescue!! I adopted him a few months ago and he is 4 years old, and I have no idea what he went through before I adopted him, but it’s clear it’s hard for him to trust others. This was my first time using a cat sitter (apart from really soon after I adopted him which is a long story, but the sitter allowed me inside to put him in his carrier).
The cops basically stated that I have no right to know anything about her room/apartment and her life if she does not give consent. They refused to tell me ANYTHING and just said that they don’t fault her for not letting a stranger in, despite me repeatedly saying that she has my CAT (my property) and they said they couldn’t do anything about it unless I pressed criminal charges, in which case a judge might be willing to issue a warrant to search and seize my cat back, but then they told me that this would be a civil case because he is my property, not criminal, so there’s nothing I could do to get my cat back through a legal approach.
The cop then shamed me for using Rover in the first place and said she doesn’t let anybody other than friends and family sit her dog. Obviously I would’ve preferred that too, but none of my friends nor family was available to catsit.
It was a COMMENTER that ultimately told me I might be able to go through a magistrate to get a search warrant even on a civil case. I’m really grateful for that advice but by the time I saw it I’m pretty sure he was already in the cat trap.
And Cheese is doing very well now. He’s eating a bit less than before, but he’s already back to refusing to get off my lap which I missed. It’s hilarious because the sitter literally called Rover in FRONT of me and tried to tell them that she thought Cheese is scared of me and that’s why he wouldn’t get into the carrier (which again doesn’t make sense but nothing about this situation does).
\-
Just to clarify- she never let me in for anything. She didn’t even let me get within a foot of her doorway and refused to open the door more than just the space needed for her to look outside the door.
I felt so guilty at first for leaving my cat with a sitter rather than friends or family until I remembered that she had really good reviews so this wasn’t my fault.
The cops seemed so apathetic to my situation, but I didn’t have a good view of them to begin with. I only called them because I felt like maybe when she saw them she would be intimidated enough to let me in.
I haven’t left a review on her account yet, and here’s why-
* I’m not sure how rover reviews work and if sitters can respond to reviews, because if they can I have NO DOUBT that if she can, she would do everything possible to make ME look bad and she’s a pro at adding in false details. I’m worried that somebody would see her response to me, believe her over me, and book with her anyway. IF somebody confirms to me that sitters cannot respond to reviews, I will absolutely leave a review.
* THAT BEING SAID, I am going to give a written statement to Rover (currently just waiting for their email with the sheet where I can write the statement) that goes into very close little details. Hopefully they will ban her. Either way, as long as I get confirmation that sitters can’t respond to reviews, I will leave a negative review. | 4,304 | "2022-12-07T05:31:50" | Sitter Won't Let Me Help Pick Up/Retrieve Cat | CONCLUDED | minnieboss | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zet4gi/sitter_wont_let_me_help_pick_upretrieve_cat/ | false | false | [
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zevj09 | [removed] | 0 | "2022-12-07T08:00:49" | Greatest experience! | NEW UPDATE | QueenNaava | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zevj09/greatest_experience/ | false | false | [
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zew5vf | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T08:44:35" | OOP caves into temptation and ate the Forbidden Snack | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zew5vf/oop_caves_into_temptation_and_ate_the_forbidden/ | false | false | [
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zewbpu | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/2cookieparties **in** r/forbiddensnacks
trigger warnings: >!coriander haters !<
mood spoilers: >!funny!<
# [Why do I have such a strong desire to bite into this hotel soap?](https://www.reddit.com/r/forbiddensnacks/comments/z6ywqs/why_do_i_have_such_a_strong_desire_to_bite_into/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - 29th November 2022
[Image of a delicous looking, clear, hotel soap](https://i.redd.it/2kho0kyx0r2a1.jpg)
&#x200B;
>Commentor: Lmao why tho 😂😂😂
>
>OOP: It looks like a delicious gummy
# [Update: I bit the soap but I regret my decision](https://www.reddit.com/r/forbiddensnacks/comments/z7g5w2/update_i_bit_the_soap_but_i_regret_my_decision/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - 29th Nov 2022 later in the day
[Image of a delicous looking, clear, hotel soap with a bite clearly taken out of the top left corner](https://i.redd.it/v7frf6n7au2a1.jpg)
&#x200B;
>Commentor: I know what soap that is. Can’t think of the name but I remember the smell from a long time ago. It smelled like food if I recall.
>
>OOP: Yes!!! Omg and the matching hotel shampoo and conditioner smelled like buttered popcorn jelly beans
&#x200B;
>Commentor:Please elaborate about the taste
>
>OOP: just tasted like soap but the texture was kind of nice and gummy
&#x200B;
>Commentor:Intrusive thoughts won
>
>OOP:But I lost
**Reminder - I am not the original poster. Also please don't eat soap now matter how delicious looking or smelling it is.** | 2,183 | "2022-12-07T08:55:50" | OOP caves to temptation and ate the Forbidden Snack | CONCLUDED | Shinyiest | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zewbpu/oop_caves_to_temptation_and_ate_the_forbidden/ | false | false | [
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zf3zcn | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T15:32:04" | OOP's boyfriend cheats on her with her best friend | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zf3zcn/oops_boyfriend_cheats_on_her_with_her_best_friend/ | false | false | [
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zf4uez | This is a series of posts originally made to the Michigan Reefers website back in 2009, which hosts a forum for people who are into salt water aquariums. I don't know if non-reddit posts are allowed, but I was thinking about this saga recently and decided to share it.
The thread is located [here](https://www.michiganreefers.com/threads/the-bobbit-worm-chronicles.84173/). This post contains the comments from the original poster, as well as a couple of responses that provide context or other information. Responses to OOP will be quoted.
To provide context, "live rock" is a rock-like substance made of the remains of dead coral. Its introduced into salt water aquariums because it provides space for many forms of micro and macroscopic marine life which are necessary for the health of the tank. Live rock is available both "dry" and "wet." Wet is preferred because it comes with the marine life already established in the rock and on its surface. The danger of wet rock, however, is that undesirable stowaways may come with it. That is what happened to OOP, and this is the story of dealing with the unwanted specimen.
**Post 1 ((March 7, 2009):**
So I have discovered that I have a Bobbit Worm. He is through my main piece of lace rock (90 lbs dry) so I can not remove the rock. He has polished off a beautiful rock anemone and I fear for my Rics, and well, everything else. Here is my plan.
I am looking for alternatives or a better way. Since I can't take out the rock I consulted my Sun Tzu The Art of War book and decided to befriend an enemy and then poison him when he does not expect it. I have been feeding him by hand (really tweezers) for three nights now. He shows up at the spot a couple of hours after the lights go out. My plan is to inject a shrimp with copper. Wash it off the outside and feed it to him. Will it work?
I know I risk killing some good stuff but it is better than tearing the entire tank apart.
BTW I suggest everyone get a red light and check their tanks after the lights go out. I am finding many people have these ugly things.
Post 2 (March 7, 2009):
> O.K. these worms, I believe can be as long as 9 ft. I also wouldn't like the idea of copper. I have never had to deal one either, but I think I would try to lure into a trap first. If that failed I probably get frustrated and go for decapitation as you're feeding the monster.
He never comes more than 4 inches out of his hole. He won't go for it. they never actually leave the holes they have. Can't cut him in two because they are segmented worms. Cut him in two and now you have two. Deb, I will be ready with cupersorb and carbon. Plus I have 350 gallons of water and two good protein skimmers (which you know :)) so my thought is a drop of copper isn't going to hurt. I know him dying in the rocks will cause a mass polution. I would rather fight that then tear the tank apart. For those who don't know these things can be four to five feet long. What a nightmare!!
They are so wary and fast if you move a little they are gone. Plus they are really good about not being yanked out of their holes. They must have 10,000 legs. When they put them all in reverse it is hard to stop. I thought about a trout hook. Boy would that be a good picture. I am just not sure he would swallow it far enough.
(Editor's note: OOPs concern is that killing the worm in place will release a lot of nitrogen into the tank as it decays, which seriously affects the health of the tank. See [here](https://www.aquariumcoop.com/blogs/aquarium/nitrogen-cycle) for a basic explanation.)
**Response:**
> For those you don't know this is potentially what slapshot is dealing with. Watch the top video. [dead link] I read that they can reach 12ft. and crush rock with their jaws. So please watch your fingers.
(Eidotrs Note: Original link is dead, so [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=refnOdW49rw) is an alternative video. Note that the worm in this video has been cut into three pieces.)
**Response:**
> Get a male bobbit worm and if your existing is a male, they will fight. If its a female, the will mate. Then, the female worm attacks the male penis and feeds it to her young after mating... The male will be go beserk and you can find both the adults nearby easily. The bad point, you have to search high and low for the young ones if they had scram off.
**Response:**
> The unfortunate part is that they are a segmented worm, that if chopped in half it will grow new mouth and you will have two. These are nasty beasts. Step one,pick a poison,that is reef safe maybe try feeding him that two part epoxy you stick stuff to rocks with ,take one part soak in something delicious same with other part mix and feed. hopefully it clogs him up it may take a few feedings to really bind him up so fill him up and cross your fingers.
**Post 3 (March 8, 2009):**
Thanks Kirby that just made my day. Any knowledge you have would be appreciated. What if I kept feeding him copper laced shrimp? Still don't think it will kill him? I think there are a lot more of these around then people know. My pal Cobras had one and while I was thanking God I didn't I decided to watch the tank with a red light. Bam there he was. He has been in there a long time. He has at least 5 interconnected holes all through the rock.
I saw a shadow eating my rock anemone. Just a flash in the dark. It was him for sure. So he can get to a least two sides of the tank. I think they are around more then we think. Probably only show up in old systems when they get big enough to start hunting for large prey. A guy in Choice yesterday pulled out his phone and showed me a 3 footer he found in his 70 gallon. He destroyed the entire tank to get him out. It was the same width as mine so I have to assume he is at least that long. Most people would never know they have one. I thought I knew every creature in my little ocean. A red light and then luck that he comes out is the only way to see them.
Lab for sure some LR. Who knows how long ago. At least I can keep feeding him so he leaves everything alone. But, that will cause him to grow. It looks like he eats then hides for several days. I know his main nest is under a huge encrusting cap at the bottom of my lace rock.
Paul they are so fast and timid it would be really hard to grab him. Any sound and he is gone. I unlocked the garage door the first time which is a good 15 feet away from the tank and he was gone. I keep getting up at night and checking to see if he is out. Well maybe time to pull everything out. man, I really don't want to do that.
**Post 4 (March 10, 2009):**
Round one to me. It's 3:30 am and I just fed him a krill that I stuck 1/8 of an intercept pill into. He grabbed it and swallowed it whole then flew back into his hole. I thought I would start with intercept as it won't hurt the corals. Hopefully, that is the end, as that is enough for a small dog. 1/8 of 100 lbs = a 12.5 lbs dog. We shall see. BOOWAHAHAHAHAHAA :hang3:
I did not read the super glue idea. I will try that next if this did not work. Don't tell PETA!
**Post 5 (March 10, 2009):**
Well, he did not come back for seconds, as he usually does. I guess we will know in the next couple of nights. I'm sure he is not feeling so good this morning.
I showed some of the pictures to my wife and told her it could be three feet long. Her only comment was...."get it out of here, NOW!"
**Post 6 (March 11, 2009):**
So here is the update. He was back last night begging for food. So either the intercept did not work or it has not yet worked. So he got another krill this time I filled it with Super Glue Gel. I am hoping he is having a hard time opening his mouth today. :3195:
**Post 7 (March 11, 2009):**
> I guess if by no problems you mean loosing crabs and shrimp isn't a big deal then sure....no problem. (Assuming interceptor will even kill it.) Maybe the worm already ate all the crabs and shrimp making it even less of a problem.
> If it were me, I would have a certain satisfaction from ripping that thing out of the tank and tossing it in the yard...
The problem is Jim the rock he is in would be nearly impossible to remove. It is a 90lbs "dry" lace rock that is now covered in SPS (**EN:** small-polyped scleractinian, a type of coral). I will get to that if nothing else works.
I just finished treating the tank for Red Bug. So the system just got three full treatments and he came flying through. I did put appro. a 1/8 of a large dog pill in the shrimp and he ate that. That was a little over 24 hours ago. I am hoping it has not had a chance to work yet. If he is out tonight I will feed him half a pill. I mean come on at some point it has to kill him!
**Response:**
> you need to get rid of it. I did a little research and they can grow up to 10 feet in length, but average about three. At four inches, they are sexually mature.
> They are predatory, and not scavengers. They burrow themselves in sand/gravel and send out a feeler. When a fish triggers a feeler, the worm springs into action with enough speed and force to cut the fish in half.
> Only two other groups of polychaetes, the Family Eunicidae, and the Family Lysaretidae contain large worms that are commonly found in reef aquaria. The first of these groups, the eunicid worms, is a large diverse group with over 200 species. The second, the lysaretid worms, is a small group with only about ten or fifteen described species; unfortunately, the lysaretid worms are predatory and deadly to many reef aquarium inhabitants. Even more unfortunately, they are reasonably common in live rock
> Here are some facts on these nasty a@@,s...
> Commonly know as Bobbit Worm, the reason why he got this lovely name is due to the fact that the female worm attacks the male penis and feeds it to her young after mating...
> The most common size for the worm is around 1 meter. But they have been reports of some specimens that where is the size range of 3 meters.
**Post 8 (March 11, 2009):**
> how many gallons is your system?
350 gallons. I'm not worried about the system or the corals and if/when he dies I will keep the system stable with water changes. He eats directly what I have been feeding him, so it really won't get into the water. If it does, like I said, I just finished the full interceptor treatment so it won't hurt anything. If things follow the normal pattern he won't be out tonight but will tomorrow. Hopefully the intercept is getting into his system and the glue has him all stopped up. If he comes out I will give him the whole dose, at least as much as I can fit into the shrimp.
**Post 9 (March 13, 2009): **
Have not seen him since the glue laden shrimp. Two nights now. I have my fingers crossed he is dead or dying. Maybe he is stuck inside his lair. I will check tonight.
**Post 10 (March 14, 2009):**
Well "the ***** is back". This time I saw him moving from the top of the tank to the cap. He is 24 inches long. Lucky me he is still small. :wacko: I had him with my clamp but he got away. After I let him settle down, I made a nice shrimp cocktail just to tell him I was sorry. I added 1/2 of a large dog intercept pill this time. I had to hollow out the shrimp and then crazy glue it back together. Added a piece of glass with the glue. He swallowed the entire thing!
Man am I nuts or what? 3:00 in the morning and I am toiling over a little shrimp with an exacto knife and glue and broken glass. :jester: If this does not work I don't know what to try next. Maybe what Kirby said. As long as he will eat what I give him I will keep trying. This time I used a whole large krill. Now that I know he can swallow that maybe I'll try a whole one full of glue, assuming the intercept did not work.
There is no way I would have seen him without the red light. I tried under the moon light and could not see him even when he was out. As soon as any light goes on he is gone. At least I know he is not out hunting anything as I am sure he is full for the night.
**Post 11 (March 16, 2009):**
Ding dong the witch is dead! I think. It has been 48 hours since she ate the glass ladened 1/2 of a pill shrimp and I have not seen her at all. I tried to feed a regular shrimp outside her door and nothing...that's a first. Then I blocked the door with a little piece of rubble and it was not moved this morning. I think I got her! :dance3: Gota start checking my nitrates :triniti:
**Post 12 (March 17, 2009):**
No Bobbit! No Bobbit! nothing is moved, yea!!!!
Day 3, I am pretty sure he is dead now. I have never not seen him for 3 nights and the rock is still in front of his hole. Hurray for Sun Tzu maybe the man had an aquarium.
**Post 13 (March 18, 2009):**
No Bobbit fourth night. Ammonia is 0 and nitrates went from .5 to 1 ppm. Did a water change but all seems well and Bobbitless. Now all I need is to be able to sleep again, it seems I have gotten used to getting up a 3. Thanks all for your help. I hope this helps someone in the future.
**Post 14 (March 20, 2009):**
$#!^ he is still alive! He was out during the day this time. Maybe he is sick, you know, kind of like the rabid skunk. I guess I'll try the super glue again. 5 nights I thought for sure I had him.
**Post 15 (March 21, 2009):**
So he is for sure weak. I can tell by how hard he grabbed my latest offering. I took the tail off of a large shrimp and pulled the meat out. This left a hollow tail. I filled this with super glue. Then I used a small piece of the tail meat to close it off again.
Then I teased him a bit with it to piss him off so he grabs it and swallows it hard. Bang, he grabbed it and put it in his mouth. I can see him now as he is sitting at the top of the rock with about 1/8 of the tail sticking out of his mouth. He is clearly struggling trying to get it down. So this may just end up sealing up his throat. It was a lot of glue! Not sure how long it will take to starve him or is the glue itself will kill him but here we go again with the late nights.
**Response:**
> Guess what was just found in the blue reef aquarium in Newquay, England.. U guessed it!
> Here's the [link](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5016366/Giant-sea-worm-that-attacked-coral-reef-caught-by-aquarium-staff.html)to the article. [Another source](https://theseoultimes.com/ST/?url=/ST/db/read.php%3fidx=8145) has a picture of the beast.
> So it's just a matter of time til I find one gouging my corals or fish or ....
**Post 16 (March 24, 2009):**
Got a new plan. He did not show up but I am working hard on this. I took a syringe and injected an empty pill casing full of Prazi. I managed to get almost 2 ccs in there. I sealed it with a bit of super glue. I will put the pill in the shrimp. It is way more prazi then I could have gotten in him by just injecting the shrimp plus it will open up inside him no chance of leakage into the tank. Until he dies anyway. 2 ccs is not enough to do any damage to my reef given my water volume. He did not show up last night so me and my pill wait.
**Post 17 (March 25, 2009):**
Well the pill thing was a bust. It was too big once wrapped in the shrimp. I tried a smaller one but he bit it and it exploded. I then just injected the shrimp, about .2ccs and he ate that quickly. Probably not enough but I will feed him every morning an injected shrimp and maybe it will build up in him.
I will have to look for a smaller pill I guess. Well, back to the drawing board. The good news is i have him eating at 6:00 a.m. They are pretty trainable. If this thread has not creeped you out enough watch this video. There is a pretty good shot of his head at the end.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIpMomEpa0Q
**Post 18 (March 28, 2009):**
Well I went fishing tonight and look what I caught:
https://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t74/TSCWB/bobbit.jpg
The bad news is after a 40 minute struggle, yes I said 40 minutes, he broke in two. This is about 18 inches of him. If my last guess was right then 6 inches including the head got away. Somehow the hook ended up catching the back of him. I don't know how. So we fought and I eventually grabbed him with my tweezers. He dug in and so did I.
I have won the battle with many a fish in my day but this one takes the cake. I could not budge him. So I kept constant tension on him hoping he would tire. Then when I thought I had some movement I pulled just a little and he broke. **** so close!!
I don't know what happens now but there is no sign of him. I am so grossed out I can't sleep. He is far grosser in person. Yuck. Maybe I got enough that he will die or maybe he needs to heal and will be out looking for food tomorrow.....I don't know. For now I won the first battle. Now I have to get the rest!!:fie:
**Post 19 (March 30, 2009):**
> Slapshot, this saga is a real cliffhanger! I cannot stop reading! Good luck on your quest for "the other half" :butcher: I would use Ivomec, you can get it from Tractor Supply. It is meant to deworm cattle. I use it for my dogs in a much lower dose of course. I use 1ml/10 pounds of dog weight. This kills worms and parasites, I feel it will certainly work. In any case good luck!
I should have titled the tread "The Bobbit Chronicles". I'll keep that in mind. It is more of a centipede then a worm. I have been doing some research, some segmented worms need to have a certain portion of them to live. For instance the band on a night crawler. It looked to me I got the "band". I am hopeful that the rest will just die. I do believe the Prazi was having some effect as he has not been as aggressive in grabbing the shrimp. Maybe now that there is not so much of him it will take it's toll. I have not seen hide nor hair of him since. I am sure he need recovery time if he is in fact still alive.
My pal Cobras now has his Bobbit eating from his tweezers so he will start the Prazi process soon. BTW I can not describe the chill and feelings as I was pulling that thing out of its hole and it kept coming and coming. Just plain gross. The things of nightmares for sure. Thanks guys for all the encouragement.
**Post 20 (april 3, 2009):**
Still no sign of him :) I have tried holding food as I always did in "his" spot and nothing. :) I am starting to think....just maybe.....he is gone. :dance3:
**Post 21 (April 6, 2009):**
Still no sign of him.
**Post 22 (April 11, 2009):**
Still no sign, looks like it died. The area it was in was covered with those little Brittle Stars last night. Must have been 50 that I could see. Hope it was Thanksgiving for them....bobbit style!!
**Post 22 (April 22, 2009):**
Thanks so much. I just hope I don't have to write the sequel, "Return Of The Bobbit Worm! Still no sign of him, all levels are fine.
**(EN: Note the 4 month time jump)**
**Post 23 (August 15, 2009):**
Well here is the sequel...The Return of the Bobbit Worm. This for sure this time is the final chapter. The worm came back. I thought, hoped I had gotten enough of him to kill him but I guess not. My beautiful blue sponge started getting eaten at night. So I staked out the tank again with my red light. Sure enough at 1:00 A.M., there he was enjoying his dinner. But this time he was on one of the smaller pillars. So I turned on a flash light and watched where he went. Right into a giant rock that was the base of the pillar. Giant but removable this time.
So I got busy. I removed the rock and all the poor sps on it. I broke many:(. I squirted hot water into the hole I saw him retract into....nothing! **** did he get out? Then I saw him at another hole. I broke the rock into three pieces and there he was. I grabbed him and pulled but he broke into two again. I had another 18 inch piece. But, I am closing in now! I chisled away at the direction he went and bingo there he was all coiled up into a 1 inch area. Yep one inch. When he was exposed he started to crawl out of the rock. OK sick!!!! Don't mind saying it creeped me out. All 18 inches of him was crawling along the driveway. That means before round one he was probably 4 feet long! I picked him up, with my tweezers and put him in a bucket. Here he is not very happy, which makes me real happy! My poor neighbors, I must have looked pretty funny out there at 2:00 in the morning smashing rocks.
https://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t74/TSCWB/th_Bobbit002.jpg
So I loaded him up and took him to Choice. It was one of my happiest reefing moments. So he is now on display at Choice, for all to see what the devil in our systems looks like. Really, it will make a nice Sunday drive.
BTW I also removed 3 quart jars full of coral frags and epoxy pieces from his lair....two quarts!!! So enjoy the video and the nightmare it will bring. A true horror flick. May you never discover one of those in your system!
**Response:**
> I also have had a bobbit worm probably for over 3 years and have not been successful at destroying him. IT has devoured hundreds and maybe thousands of dollars of corals and fish. I borrowed Slapshot's Sun Tzu The Art of War book and decided to befriend an enemy. I picked up fish hooks with no success. I tried mouse traps baited with Florida gorgonias. It was lured into these traps but the traps could not close quick enough in the water. Picked up a heavy Duty rat trap and again baited with fresh gorgonia. It hit the gorg but did not set off the trap. Rebaited the trap but the destroyer played possum for several days. Rebaited again tonight and Bamm here it is. It is disgusting. It was caught in the jaws of the trap and the #&*%*&% would not die. While still in the trap I was able to hold onto his head and pull it out - it's over 5 feet long.
> http://i463.photobucket.com/albums/qq360/BCARROLL02/BOBBIT2002.jpg
> http://i463.photobucket.com/albums/qq360/BCARROLL02/BOBBIT2003.jpg
> http://i463.photobucket.com/albums/qq360/BCARROLL02/BOBBIT2005.jpg
Bonus video: [Bobbit worm vs Lionfish](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H4J5QDQeA4) | 3,099 | "2022-12-07T16:02:10" | [Non-reddit] The Bobbit Worm Chronicles | EXTERNAL | daemin | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zf4uez/nonreddit_the_bobbit_worm_chronicles/ | false | false | [
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zf6mow | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** [u/Big\_Bumblebee\_5795](https://www.reddit.com/u/Big_Bumblebee_5795/) **in** r/AmItheAsshole
trigger warnings: NONE
&#x200B;
[**AITA for not answering any contact from work while on maternity leave?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mm0dw6/aita_for_not_answering_any_contact_from_work/) \- 7th April 2021
I work for my cousin. We're in the same field, but he owns a business. I started working for him 5 years ago and worked my way up to second or third in command at his fairly small company.
I took 9 months of maternity leave, starting 2 weeks before my due date. My child is now 6 months old, meaning I am currently in my 7th month of leave, and go back to work in about 10 weeks.
During the last 7 months, there's been a few crises at work. They called me and I fixed it. They should not have been doing this, due to my maternity leave, but I didn't mention it because these were legitimate crises, and most of the time it was my cousin asking.
However, because I'm entering the end of my leave, I want some time completely free of work, to recharge before I have to dive back in. So, starting 2 weeks ago, I stopped answering my phone. At some point it died so I put it in a drawer, and haven't plugged it in since. I have a landline for emergencies, a laptop to keep in touch with people, and a TV for entertainment, so I'm enjoying the break from the phone without issue.
However, my cousin tried to call me about a week ago to get help with a client I handle. I had passed this client on to someone else, but something went wrong, my cousin called me to help, and because I didn't answer, we lost the client. I knew their contract was up for renewal, but I didn't think there would be any issues, so I saw no reason to check my phone.
My cousin has told our family what happened. He's furious with me for not having my phone turned on when I knew that client would be up for renewal. He also says that as I had been answering my phone this whole time, I should have warned someone that I would be uncontactable. I have called the client and tried to fix it, but they've already signed on with someone else.
My cousin, wanting to stop this from happening again as several more clients are up for renewal in the next couple months, has said I have to be available for the next couple months, so he can call me if there is another issue. I've said that I am on maternity leave, and therefore I should be left alone, so I will be leaving my phone off, and it's shitty of him to ask otherwise. My cousin said that I was being selfish and accused me of trying to fuck him over, and my mother and aunt agree with him, saying if I don't answer my phone, there may not be a company to come back to, and accused me of taking advantage of him because he's my cousin, as anyone else would have fired me over this. I've responded that if my cousin can't run his own business without me, then he's incompetent and shouldn't be in charge of an omelette, let alone a company. They said that was uncalled for, and told me to switch my mobile on now so he can call me if he needs, but I'm still refusing.
AITA?
Edit: why do people think I went away with no plans in place? I had 6 months between figuring out I'd need the leave and going on leave, and I spent those 6 months assigning my clients to my co-workers, bringing people up to speed on said clients, and even holding meetings where I introduced the clients to their new handler(s). I worked all of this out months ago.
**Verdict - NTA**
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ms225f/update_aita_for_not_answering_any_contact_from/) \- 16th April 2021
First off, thank you for the support, advice, and differing perspectives you provided on my first post.
Most of you agreed that I should not be working for my cousin. I mentioned on the last post that I'd had some offers from competitors, and while most paid about the same, they required a step down in my career. A few of you pointed out that if I can earn the same money after a step down, something isn't matching up. I did some research and came to the conclusion that I am being overworked and underpaid. I also triple checked all my notes for the last 7 months of leave, and calculated that I had worked for 87 days out of just over 200. That was where I hit my limit.
I then reached out to some of the people who had made offers previously, and asked if they could give me a formal offer. 3 of them did. My favourite has fewer hours/responsibilities and more money, and they're fine waiting on me to finish up my planned maternity leave (9 more weeks) before I start.
I had a 'check in day' scheduled for later this month, but pulled it forward to Monday and asked my cousin and a few others to be there. I laid out all of the above. I was open to negotiating in a way that would let me stay in the company, but my cousin flew off the handle, and after that we agreed that me staying was no longer an option. As I have 9 weeks of leave left, I will hand in my notice, meaning I will not come back to work, but I will be paid for this time, as well as compensated for the leave I lost.
My cousin has blocked me on everything, but his mum has called my mum, who has been yelling at me for 2 days. I've had to block my own mother. My cousin is attempting to rally our entire family against me, but I have nan on my side, so he is not succeeding. I am never working with family again.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,642 | "2022-12-07T17:02:30" | AITA for not answering any contact from work while on maternity leave? | REPOST | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zf6mow/aita_for_not_answering_any_contact_from_work/ | false | false | [
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zf7tny | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwawydisappointed in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!slut shaming, body shaming, alcohol addiction, manipulation, miscarriage!<
mood spoiler: >!hopeful!<
---
&nbsp;
[**My (23F) mom wants me to forgive my bestfriend knowing she betrayed me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xciplz/my_23f_mom_wants_me_to_forgive_my_bestfriend/) - 12 September 2022
Not sure if this is the right place to post it. I posted this on my main but deleted it. A throwaway seems like a better option.
My (23F) friend M (same age), was like a sister to me. We have known each other since we were 4. We were partner in crimes, we knew everything about each other. We even decided to become each other's kid's godmother.
When I was 17 I started dating a guy from my neighborhood, L. He was also my father's friend's son. That's how we met. I had a crush on him since I was 15. M knew about it. In fact she was the one who insisted I talk to him. She encouraged me to ask him out. I did. We started dating at 17. Everything was good. I thought I found my soulmate. But I noticed something different when we were on our 4th year of relationship. He acted kinda distant. I thought the pressure from university is stressing him out. I tried to cheer him up and tried to be intimate but he would just brush it off.
At one time I accidentally looked at his phone while I was trying to make a call. I came across hundreds of messages between him and M. They also sent each others nudes. I felt really disgusted. I couldn't confront him because I knew he would deny.
Then one day I went to his house to surprise him. There I saw M and L, were almost naked on the couch. They were probably in the middle of foreplay when I walked in. They were both shocked to see me, as if they saw a ghost. I cannot explain the rage I was feeling. I felt like I am about to faint. Instead I went out.
They both tried to chase me down with the classic "it's not what it looks like". Oh really? You guys are naked cuddling and eating each other's faces. I wonder what it is. I was thankfully with my sister who saw me coming. I told her to take me home. There I cried with my sisters (I have two). I told them everything. They were really empathetic.
They asked me if I have screen shots. I told them yes. They told me to keep it and also told me to message him and my friend that we are done. I did as they told me. According to my sister's advice, I told all our mutual friends about it. It was a chaos. I was broken and devastated. I would cry all day and not eat. I was betrayed by my best friend and the love of my life.
But somehow betrayal from M really hurt the most. After digging up and the drama that transpired, I got to know how disgusting and vile L was. I cannot list everything here because of word limit. I came to realization that he had so many red flags that I ignored. That kinds helped me to heal. L also came to my house few times but my sister told him if he keeps bothering us she will call the cops.
My father knew about all of this and was very supportive. I didn't want him to stop his friendship with L's dad but L cannot be in our house anymore. I will not be in the same room as him.
It took me a while but I healed. I did lose a lot of friends because some of them took M's side and have like 2 good friends who actually helped me. Plus I was very thankful to have 2 amazing sisters. I went out with my friends, started working out, even some forums helped me. I stayed away from dating for a year.
I am currently happy and in a relationship with someone. I thought I left the whole thing behind. But my mom keeps insisting I forgive M. You see, M's mom and my mom are really good friends. After I told my mom about M's betrayal. She was supportive but also sad that she might have to stop talking to her friend. I told her not to.
Regardless of what M did, her mom is very sweet. She even apologized from her behalf. I was never rude to her when she came home but M is also not allowed in our house. Now my mom thinks I should forgive her. She always says to M's mom that they wish things went back to the way they were. My mom kept pushing that I forgive her and not ruin our friendship over a 'stupid boy'. I mean why should I? She knows I hate people who betray and cheat. Yet she did it behind my back.
She claims just because I am in a relationship I should just forget otherwise I will become a bitter person. My sister's are on my side. My father says the decision is up to me. I don't know what I will do. Yes, I do miss what M and I had. But I still haven't forgiven her for what she did. It just hurts knowing my mom wants me to forgive after knowing everything that has happened.
Just to add more context:
1. M and L hooked up on her birthday when she broke up with her ex. She did tell me she is sorry and things just happened. She was lonely and he was there to comfort her.
2. In case you are wondering what L did and why he had red flags is because he criticized me a lot. It was either about my looks or my ambitions (I once told him I want to write a book and he mocked me). I brushed it off since he had a dark sense of humor.
3. L kept a spreadsheet of all the girls we knew in our circle, even at his university. He would rate them based on their looks. It was shared among his friends. Yes, I was on that list too. It made me really insecure.
4. Some of my and M's mutual friends knew about their affair but kept it away from me. That's why I cut a whole lot of them off.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: My (23F) mom wants me to forgive my bestfriend knowing she betrayed me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xe9wf1/update_my_23f_mom_wants_me_to_forgive_my/) - 14 September 2022
Few days ago when I posted this on my main, many people asked for an update. So here it is. I knew I cannot allow M in my life. No matter what mom says. But something weird happened that I had to post an update. This is going to be long.
So I went home this week. My older sister was already there. She told me my mom wanted to invite M and her mom into our house. My dad refused because he doesn’t want to betray me. I was angry at my mom for how she could do it to me. We all sat down. I told my mom how it felt to be betrayed by my friend. I told her that I am not asking her to stop seeing M’s mom but she should just stop forcing me to be friends with her. It’s not going to happen. Even if I forgive her I will not be her friend. She will not be welcomed in our house.
She got mad and said we should learn to let go of the past. I also asked her what if M’s mom had an affair with dad and you walked in on them while they were doing it. I expected her to be mad but her expression was shocking. I don’t know how to describe it. It is as if I predicted something. My dad stepped in and said, “You should tell her now. She is old enough to know.” Then I heard the entire history of mom, dad and M’s mom.
M’s mom was a serial cheater. She cheated on her ex-husband with multiple men. My mom didn’t know. She did have hints but never confronted her. Apparently she got pregnant with AP’s baby and tried to pass it on as M’s father’s. But M’s father was smart. He did a DNA test on the baby (M’s half brother) and the truth came out. My mom did berate her for that but M’s mom was very remorseful. She begged and pleaded with her husband to stay but her husband didn’t.
I looked up dude on social media and he is filthy rich. Probably ‘Batman’ kinda rich without all the gadgets. He hired a lawyer and also had a prenup. M’s mom didn’t get a single dime for alimony but he did pay child support for a while. He didn’t wanted the custody because M technically knew about her mother’s affair but didn’t say anything. M was 7 when it happened. She would always talk about her dad no.2.
I never knew. Probably because I thought that she was talking about her uncle or something. M’s dad only got the visitation which he wanted. But M stopped going when she turned 15. My mom helped her get back on her feet because she was broke and M’s child support only supports her only and not the entire family. 3 years after their divorce M’s dad got married again to someone younger than M’s mom.
I also dug up his name and saw that he was happy with his new family. So the day he got married M’s mom went into deep depression. She was very much drunk and that b*itch tried to make a move on my dad. My dad pushed her away.
My dad told my mom but she denied something like that happened. Until M’s mom called and apologized for her behavior. She forgave her. But according to my dad and older sister, she would still make excuses to get closer to dad. My sisters spent their time keeping her away from dad. Dad never liked her for what she did. Her husband was my dad’s business partner at that time. Dad only tolerated her for mom and my sake.
So back to our conversation, I looked at my mom and she told me that it was different because my dad never had an affair. I asked if she would have forgiven her if the affair happened? She was silent. I asked her to give me an actual reason why she thinks I should forgive M. Then she told me the truth. M’s mom has been sort of blackmailing mom to cut off contact with her. My mom doesn’t have many friends in town. M’s mom was her best friend. According to her logic, she cannot be in a house where her daughter is not invited.
Also as I mentioned in one of the comments, my mom had a miscarriage when I was 4years old. M’s mom helped her a lot during that time. When my mom was jaded she would clean her house and bring M. That’s how we became friends. lol My mom pretty much saw M as her fourth child. She was probably trying to fill the space that her miscarriage left. So losing M felt like losing her baby again. That’s why she wants us to reconcile. Not because of M but also because she is afraid her friendship will come to an end. I was very upset by it. But I understood her.
I told her M’s mom is welcome here anytime (though I have no respect for her now.) but M will not set foot in this house. And told her to get therapy because she had a very unhealthy attachment to M.
I was conflicted. I was disappointed in M's mom. She seems like a really nice lady. When L cheated on me, I remember crying to her. She consoled me and felt genuinely sorry. So I did something out of the blue. I texted M’s mom that I want to meet her alone. We went to a public place. My sister knew. She told me to record the conversation. (It is not illegal here).
So I met her. I told her everything my mom told me. I also told her that she is welcome in our house but she cannot bring M. She didn’t try to argue. She told me she should have known. She never wanted her daughter to become like her. Her infidelity has made her life hell. M could’ve had a beautiful childhood if she never cheated on her husband. Her husband was a great guy. She still feels guilty about doing this to him. She wishes she could go back in time and undo her mistake.
I said that even though I don’t have the same amount of respect for her I don’t mind having her around. My family is okay with that. The woman started crying. She finally spilled the beans after a year. She told me she knew about M and L. She knew L was cheating on me with M. She told her daughter to stop it but M said she is only FWB with L. And they will stop in a few weeks. Her mother told her that if she continues this, then she better conceal it properly. She only allowed this because she knew her daughter had an obsession with L. She thought it would help M to get this obsession out of her system.
I was fuming. I wanted to yell but I kept my cool. She knew this entire time and not once she mentioned it. I asked her about her flirting with my dad. That’s when she showed me what a snake she truly is. I pressed her and berated her for trying to destroy my mom’s marriage.
Once she had enough she yelled that my mom doesn’t deserve any of this. She is very lame and boring. She was only friends with her because she pitied her. My mom comes from a poor household. She doesn’t have much education. She went to a very underfunded college but M’s mom went to a prestigious college. She is not even at her (M’s mom) level. She said my dad doesn’t deserve a street rat like her.
I wanted to leave but I wanted to take everything on the recording. But I had enough. I told her more or less yelled at her that she is not welcome in our house. She is a liar and a cheater and so is her daughter.
I cannot believe this woman. She has been manipulating my mom all this time. As soon as I got home, I told my mom everything about this. My mom refused to believe her friend would say something. My sister who is a freaking genius played the audio. I now understand why she told me to record.
After hearing the entire thing, she grabbed her phone and called her. She yelled. I could hear words like - sl*ut, wh*ore in my native language. She said that if she sees her again she will rip her eyes out. It was kinda shocking. One minute she was praising her and then she was yelling? But moreover, I am happy she cut off all the toxicity. I feel bad for mom. I can relate because we both lost our close friends.
We sat down and chatted. She told me how being a sahm was difficult for her to make friends with. M was her close friend. She always looked up to her because she was really popular in our community. She wanted to be like her. My dad always disliked that.
My mom also told me that she is sorry. That she was selfish. She enabled her so far that she hurt her own daughter. She feels guilty. I understand her. My dad said that she is putting her on therapy because she clearly has some trauma from her miscarriage and also from her childhood.
I told her that she can still make great friends. She cut off all her friends for M’s mom. I told her to try and reconnect with them. I am also going to spend some time with her too in case she doesn’t feel alone.
All of this drama has made me realize I have a great dad. I have a newfound respect for him. Even when he was vulnerable, he never gave in to M’s mother’s flirting. He helped my mom when she had a c-section with me. He understands that being a sahm is difficult. He loves her regardless. Many people speculated if my mom is a cheater or not but let me clarify, it is not the case. She is very loyal to my dad. She was the oldest of 7 siblings and she had to keep her family together at all cost. Hence, her pressure to me for forgiving M.
Also as for my ex, he texted me on my birthday last month. He wished me a happy birthday and said that he was sorry for what he did. He also said that M is a great girlfriend who helped him after our breakup and helped him “heal”. There was like an entire paragraph of him praising M. And to quote him “I do not regret loving you. It is because of you I learned how to love. That’s why I am able to become such a good partner to M. I hope someday you will find someone good enough for you. I wish you all the best.”
What a clown. I showed this to my boyfriend. He laughed and said, “I guess his wish has come true.” I do not care if they marry or have like 100 babies. I am done with them. Someone pointed out that they did a huge favor because they are both trash and deserve each other. It’s true. At least they won’t be wasting other people’s time with their toxicity.
As for me, I am doing fine. I am planning a trip with my bf and friends after my finals. And thanks to all of you who messaged me and commented. Also idk if this counts as karma but M got into a fight with one of her friends (she knew about the affair). My friend went to a party this week. She told me M and a friend of hers had a fight.
Apparently, that friend accused her of stealing her boyfriend. According to my friend they were not doing anything other than chatting. The girl came onto M and said "well I should've known, given your history as a man stealer". This is now her reputation. Even if she tried to say she wasn’t flirting no one was buying it. Lol.
&nbsp;
[**Lessons I have learned so far.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/xgdrlc/lessons_i_have_learned_so_far/) - 17 September 2022
Hello, this is my new time in this sub. Not sure how to start because there is a lot to unwrap. But if you want to know my story here it is.
Just a quick recap: My (23F) boyfriend, L cheated on me with my bestfriend , M who I have known since I was 4. A lot of the people in my friend group knew about it. It caused some drama and also revealed a lot of secrets in our family. Especially in my family. (not that exciting). It is almost 2 years since that happened and looking back I've come a long way. So, I just wanted to share my thoughts.
D-Day (I think?):
I learned about their dirty dancing when I found her nudes on his phone. I didn't wanted to believe him. The day I went to confront them is the day I saw them almost naked doing foreplay. It just made me numb. Like it was a bad dream.
Two people closest to me. My bestfriend who I trusted with all my heart. Who has been there for me through every hardship and low in my life and the guy I thought was going to be my soulmate. I honestly thought we were going to be one of those couples who would be like high school sweethearts and live together for the rest of their lives.
Well, that was my stupidity of trusting him and thinking life was like a fairytale. When I saw them together, they were shocked. As if they saw a ghost. I didn't say anything. I just went outside and got into the car and told my sister to drive. After we got home, I cried as if someone I love just died. Everything I ever believed was a lie. My whole relationship felt like a lie. I had no idea what I would do next.
Luckily, I had my sister who comforted me. I was jilted. I couldn't eat. The image of them being naked and kissing just played in my head like a broken recorder. I wanted to shut my brain so that I don't think about it. I was like that for the first few months. It felt like they were mocking at me. "Haha look at stupid 'Throwawydisappoined', she has no idea what we are doing. She is so dumb." Why did he do that?
Was I never enough for him? I did everything for him. I was never a nagging girlfriend. Even his friends liked me. Was all those 4 years a lie? All those times he told me that he loved me, the times when he would compliment me, was it all a lie? I kept finding faults in me. There must have been something I did.
So anyways, I blocked the both of them from everything. They tried to contact me. I shut them down because I was not ready. If I saw any one of them, I would probably just commit a felony or worse. It took me a while. But I thought I should get my closure. So, I did contact them separately. I met M first. She said she was sorry and that she wanted to end things but L kept pursuing her. Her excuse was that she broke up with her boyfriend and then hooked up with L because she was lonely. Yeah, you ruined my relationship because you were lonely. Some good friend you are.
L's explanation was the one that broke me more. He did say he is sorry. But here where I messed up. I asked him, "was she better than me in bed?" His response was yes. He further told me sleeping with me was very bland. I had no b00bs, it's almost like I am a boy. I agree, I am a late bloomer. I am very skinny for my age. He told me I was prettier than M but I was not as adventurous as she is.
This created a whole new insecurity in me. I started to hate my body. I stopped looking at the mirror. I almost made a vow that I will become a nun and never have sex (yeah, I was in a bad place). I felt worthless to say the least. I lost all hope in me. I mean who wants to be with someone who is bad in bed?
Red flags I ignored:
I only realized about his red flags after I broke up with him. At one point he started to become distant. He would always be on his phone. He would never initiate intimacy and whenever I did, he would push me away. Overall, he was a shitty person. He would hardly receive my calls when he was with her.
Moreover, he would mock me. I am pursuing a career in computer science. He joked on some occasions how I will never make it because this field is not for girls. I laughed because I thought they were jokes. He also joked about how my wish to write a book oneday was so stupid and unrealistic. He would make comments about my body. I started gaining weight due to my health condition. He would criticize me for that as well.
I also noticed he would check on other girls too. Idk if this counts as a red flag but had a lot of female friends. He would says they are his "best friend". I always found that suspicious. I don't know why.
After breaking up with him, I realized how sh!tty he was to me. I was always the one trying to make efforts for him. He once forgot my birthday and made an excuse that he was busy at work. In reality he just forgot. I didn't say anything because he compensated for that in the most mediocre way.
How I moved on:
I cried for many days. I remember that getting out of bed was really hard. I lost a friend and a boyfriend. Moreover, I lost a good circle because they knew about their affair and didn't tell me. I had a large group of friends and now I was left with 2. They are good people. But it hurts when I don't have my bestfriend with whom I shared almost everything.
Guys, it is okay to mourn the relationship you lost. Give yourself the time to grieve. Don't take any huge steps during this period. Go ahead and cry and moan in your pillow. Eat whatever junk you want.
But give it a time limit. I know that it doesn't happen. But my sister told me to grieve for 2 months like this and then get my a$$ back in the real world. I agree, it took more an 2 months but after 2 months I had to decide either I had to function whether or not I was ready. I tried to shift my focus from everything and into my studies.
Even that was hard. I couldn't. I still cried a lot. I would space out while doing something, thinking about all the wild sex they must be having. I went to therapy. It helped to an extent. I didn't date for like a year. I used that time to better myself.
I learned how to code. I learned how to play keyboard. It was a good distraction from everything. I also joined a gym because I was gaining weight. My sisters and those 2 of my friends took me on a trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun.
A change of environment was nice. I became much more closer to those 2 friends who I hardly talked in the past and apologised for not being a good friend. I was healing slowly. I got rid of every memory I possessed of him. I burned the bridges. I tried to rediscover myself.
L did came and said he wants to work things out. I guess M wasn't what he thought she was. I was tempted to take him back. Ngl, he was out of my league. But my sister handled it. She told him to never show his face otherwise she will call the police.
I was in different forums asking for advice. I met some nice people who found better partners after being cheated on. That gave a bit of hope. I didn't engage in flings and ons. I did once but it made me feel more empty inside. So, I never did that. Eventually when I felt ready after a year, I started dating someone new. Now we are together.
Please don't do these:
1. Don't think their cheating is your fault.
2. Don't go to social media to stalk them. I made that mistake. Seeing M and L posting intimate cute photos just felt like a bullet in my heart. I was tempted so I unblocked them to see what they are upto. Seeing them kissing and hugging just put me in the same pit.
3. Don't compare yourself to others. I compared myself to M a lot. Just because someone looks different than you doesn't mean they are better.
4. Don't do the pick me dance. Honestly, have some self-respect and don't be a doormat. I know cheaters insult to make you insecure but remember whatever a cheater says is a lie. So their perception about you is a lie. My uncle got cheated on by his wife multiple times. He gave her 2 second chances she still left him broken. Now he drowns himself in alcohol. Cheaters don't deserve a second chance.
5. Don't take them back. Like ever. They are like a tumor that is going to suck the life out of you.
6. Don't do anything stupid. Like violence or deleting evidence. Honestly, this more crucial for people who are married. Don't destroy evidence that you have of them. Use them.
7. Don't date if you are not ready yet.
8. Don't let them control the narrative.
9. Don't think your life is over and your time is wasted. I know it will go against almost everyone's ideology but I learned a lot from this mess. I learned who are my real friends, what red flags to avoid. The process of rebuilding myself from this wreck made me a better person.
10. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. I swear this is the worst thing that you can do Do not use any intoxicating stuff to "forget the pain" Forgetting the pain for short moment is not the same thing as healing. Alcohol and drugs will not heal you. They will destroy you.
Things I learned about myself:
After getting into a new relationship, I learned that I was not bad at sex. He was bad at communicating. I realized sex with L was sort of robotic. Even if I would orgasm, it just felt 'meh'. But my new boyfriend, he is better at communicating with me. We share out thoughts about intimacy. Our likes and dislikes. I realized, that I might not be so bad at sex after. I just had a bad partner.
It is nice to have someone who actually listens and teaches you few tricks. I realized how much better I deserved. That the world I created in my head with L was nothing. It was all a sham. I also learned never to doubt yourself or think you are less than someone. Honestly that was a hard part. I am still insecure but I am working on it. I learned about my true potential.
L almost had me convinced I was too stupid to be good at anything, but I am good at multiple things after I explored a lot of hobbies. Also I learned therapy works wonders if you find a good therapist. I had a bad one that was always criticizing me. After I changed to a good one, it worked like wonders for my mental health. I was doubting myself less.
Things I learned about cheaters:
They are very insecure people. Nothing you ever do is going to be good enough for them. Everything they say is a lie. They try to manipulate the situation by saying "monogamy is not a norm in nature." Yeah L tried to use it on me.
It is better to just ignore them and pretend that they are dead. When cheaters are confronted with their actions they always deny and gaslight and try to shift the blame. Remember, this is their tactic to win against you. Don't let them win.
They are selfish. They think they deserve the world. Their reality starts to shatter when you out them in public. They try to control the narrative. They try to make themselves look good. For them you are a plan B. Don't be with someone who looks at you like plan B.
Sorry for this long post. I hope whoever reads this, I just want to say, it gets better. It is not your fault that they cheated on you. It's just their nature to be disgusting. Also I see a lot of married people who stay for the kids with their cheating spouses. I suggest you don't. You are teaching your kids a very wrong lesson that they should just settle for someone else's leftover and someone who is not faithful. You are teaching them it is okay to cheat because the cheaters suffer no consequences.
For your own mental health, it is not good. If you are not in a good headspace, you cannot be a good parent either. I saw first hand how attempting to reconciliation fails horribly. So I wouldn't recommend it. I hope you guys are doing well and surviving good. I hope you find peace in real life.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,225 | "2022-12-07T17:42:53" | OOP's boyfriend cheats on her with her best friend | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zf7tny/oops_boyfriend_cheats_on_her_with_her_best_friend/ | false | false | [
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zf8xo1 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T18:19:18" | Can’t stop thinking about my boyfriend using tinder | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zf8xo1/cant_stop_thinking_about_my_boyfriend_using_tinder/ | false | false | [
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zf9i9c | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T18:38:29" | Redditor wonders "Am I wrong for not rushing my dog to the animal hospital under these circumstances?" | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zf9i9c/redditor_wonders_am_i_wrong_for_not_rushing_my/ | false | false | [
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zfamr5 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T19:16:40" | Entitled dad breaks my leg because I continuously blocked his son from scoring | ONGOING | TheLyingSpectre | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfamr5/entitled_dad_breaks_my_leg_because_i_continuously/ | false | false | [
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zfaovy | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T19:18:38" | Entitled dad breaks my leg because I continuously blocked his son from scoring | ONGOING | TheLyingSpectre | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfaovy/entitled_dad_breaks_my_leg_because_i_continuously/ | false | false | [
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zfb3bp | Original was posted in relationships by u/imesseduprealbad1 on **February 18, 2016**. Marked inconclusive as a few things were still up the air at the end of the update.
>!Mood spoiler: Frustrating & sad, but potentially some hope for OP's growth at the end!<
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/46i7wi/i26f\_totaled\_my\_bf\_27\_of\_5\_years\_classic\_muscle/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/46i7wi/i26f_totaled_my_bf_27_of_5_years_classic_muscle/)
**I(26F) totaled my BF (27) of 5 years' classic muscle car and i think i lost him, please help me.**
My BFs dad helped him refurbish an old school Pontiac GTO over the course of about 12 years . It was their bonding project and they both sunk a ton of money and time into it. Flash forward to a week ago, I was begging him to take it for a drive for a few minutes and he begrudgingly accepted and pleaded with me to be careful.
So i get to a relatively dead part of town and im going about 60 and as i get to an intersection apparently someone had the same idea as me flying down his street perpendicular to me. So i brake and swerve into a tree. Im fine, but the gto front end was destroyed and im pretty sure the axles and tires are fucked. I was crying thinking about what my bf was going to do when he found out.
The police arrive and so does he. He runs up to me to ask am i ok and in the middle of my incoherent, crying babble i say yes. He takes one look at the car and drops to his knees and pukes... at this point he is pacing and crying with his hands on his head. I feel lower than dirt at this moment and he sees so he wipes his tears and says "im glad your ok sweetheart but im going to need some time away, i still love you but i have to go away for a while" kisses my forehead and leaves.
Im panicking because i know i killed the one thing that saved he and his dads relationship and also was his reason to exist since he is a mechanic by trade.
I left countless voicemails and texts asking what i can do to make it better but his phone is off right now. I called his dad and they keep in constant communication and he informed me to not beat myself up and bf is trying to deal with this his own way.
Reddit please tell me what to do
Tl;dr I totalled boyfriends classic muscle car after he told me to be careful and he is MIA
Edit: i know the right thing to do is pay for the damage but it was quoted at about $10,000 more or less and i just dont have the money, but i will do what i can to at least pay what i can back
Edit2: Guys, i get how stupid i was blowing through and intersection high on adrenaline and i honestly wish i would have just died in the accident and the car was fine, but this post is about what i can do to not lose the greatest man i have ever met.
Edit3: i am reading everyones responses and the overarching theme is stop calling and own up to the fact i have no regard for others wishes. I have stopped calling and have taken this character flaw to heart.
\-------------------------------------------------------
# First and Final Update - February 20, 2016
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/46qp5x/update\_i26f\_totalled\_my\_bf27m\_of\_5\_years\_classic/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/46qp5x/update_i26f_totalled_my_bf27m_of_5_years_classic/)
**UPDATE i(26f) totalled my BF(27M) of 5 years' classic muscle car and i think i lost him, please help me.**
Thank you to every one who took the time to advise me in my last post. It was very harsh but it was all eye opening.
BF called back and said he loves me but he felt betrayed by what i did and cant think of a scenario where he can honestly stay with me so he broke it off and wants money for the repairs. I apologized profusely about what i did and said i hope he is able to save it. I will be bumping my hours to full time and taking a loan out to repay him. I was crying the whole time because i knew i caused this.
Many of you said i dont deserve to be behind a wheel without some type of therapy and i can honestly see why because what i did was irresponsible and foolish so i will be taking the bus until i can afford therapy but until then i have signed up for driving classes.
Im sorry if i angered anyone in my last post but im trying to make this better.
Tl:dr
Bf broke up with me and wants the money for repairs which i took out a loan for. I have chosen to take the bus for a while and have enrolled in driving classes as a sub for therapy until i can afford it. I am trying to curb my "spoiled brat" mentality as some people put it.
Edit: BF texted me that he still wants to keep in touch and talk this out eventually since he talked to his dad and sees how im trying to handle the situation. We can try to make this work in the future but for now he wants to be alone. I call it a small victory even though it might not work out. Thank you all in this post and the last for your help.
\--------------------------------------
*Various interesting comments by and to OP:*
**raychelknows**\*\*:\*\* I call bullshit. No way OP (only working part-time) was able to get to a bank (within 24 hours of her first post -- and on a Saturday), apply for and be approved for an unsecured loan for $10K.
**OP:** I got the loan from my credit union. The fact that i pay all my bills on time going back to 2009 was the big difference maker. I get your skepticism but i have shown the credit union no reason why i cant pay the loan off.
\------------------------------------------
**badsparrow**\*\*:\*\* Does your boyfriend not have insurance on the car, regardless of the driver? How did the conversation where you asked him to borrow the car go down? Did he not want to accompany you?
&#x200B;
**OP:** His insurance did not cover me
I basically begged to drive it "just thus once"
He couldnt join me because he had to be at work "5 minutes ago"
&#x200B;
**Nora\_Oie**: So he didn't have collision *on the car.* It's *that* precious but he didn't have insurance *on the car itself* the way most of us do. With a deductible. Where I live, you can waive that insurance (if you have a total junker I suppose) but everyone with any sense has collision car and not just liability.
Your boyfriend doesn't have much sense either. I can't believe you drive without insurance.
So yes, this a series of life lessons for both of you.
\------------------------------------------
**StarlitEscapades**\*\*:\*\* I have an honest question, but since you are now taking driving classes, had you ever driven a car prior to this incident?
**OP:** Yes i have my own car and drive quite often, but taking some classes wouldn't exactly hurt given the situation
**Nora\_Oie**: You need more than just regular driving lessons if you're going to drive a high horse power muscle car (just don't do it in the future). If you decide to try and drive a powerful car, I suggest doing it (slowly at first) on a closed track. And make sure it doesn't belong to anyone you love.
**OP:** I dont plan on driving anything more powerful than a camry on the road anytime soon. I should have known the GTO was WAY out of my league but when i heard him revving it i just needed to try it. I think its safe to say i got a nasty shock back into reality.
\---------------------------------------------
**Zuzzyy**\*\*:\*\* If your relationship was good otherwise, I think there may be some hope left in saving it. Just give him some time.
**OP:** We had a pretty good relationship before that, we never really fought about anything and liked to be in each others company. I dont think we have a future together, as much i want to save it i know its probably over and im not gonna harp on it
\----------------------------------------------
Some commenters got very spicy with OP:
**\[deleted\]:** So you "had no insurance" and yet you "have \[your\] own car and drive quite often."
Again, this is incredibly narcissistic, immature, short-sighted behavior.
I'm glad you're trying to make things right. But if you got to age 26 while being so incredibly self-absorbed, then I don't have much faith you'll actually change.
&#x200B;
**OP:** You are right i should have had insurance but i didnt think i needed then. I know now that insurance would have saved a lot of heartache in this situation and is overall the responsible thing to do. Im sorry you feel that way but thank you for your input
&#x200B;
**\[deleted\]:** Basically you repeatedly broke different laws because you "didn't think \[you\] needed" to follow them. You also lied to your boyfriend, and completely disrespected him.
I'm kind of pissed that a bank would give you a loan so easily. You should be wasting away in a jail cell right now. At the very least, I hope your boyfriend leaves you permanently.
You need to grow the fuck up. Hopefully this is the wakeup call that will make that happen.
&#x200B;
**OP:** As much as i don't like your harsh tone you are completely right
&#x200B;
\------------------------------------------
**OP**: Thats not my only regret at all,
i regret that i acted like a child to get the keys to the car
I regret driving like a bat out hell and endangering myself and others
I regret ruining the one thing that brought my bf's relationship with his dad from the grave
Dont get me wrong, im devastated i lost my bf because of my behavior, but thats far from my only regret
&#x200B;
# Reminder - I am not the original poster. | 4,714 | "2022-12-07T19:32:33" | OP badgers boyfriend to let her borrow his passion-project muscle car; immediately totals it with reckless driving | INCONCLUSIVE | arabbel | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfb3bp/op_badgers_boyfriend_to_let_her_borrow_his/ | false | false | [
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zfb9ql | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T19:38:43" | Can’t stop thinking about my boyfriend using tinder | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfb9ql/cant_stop_thinking_about_my_boyfriend_using_tinder/ | false | false | [
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zfcpd5 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwawaaaaaay179 in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for giving away my sons cat?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/a1qlcs/aita_for_giving_away_my_sons_cat/) - 30 November 2018
My son, 15, has had his cat (Spacey) for 7 years. He loves Spacey, he sleeps on my sons bed, and son takes care of him quite well. I recently started to date someone who is allergic to cats. It’s not a sniffle allergy, but a pretty severe one (not deathly though). My partner and I have started to get more serious - we’ve been seeing each other for a few months now, and I can’t have him over often because of his allergy.
So I decided to rehome Spacey. My son is very upset about this and yelled at me, saying I was selfish and throwing Space away for some man I haven’t known for very long. Since my husbands death I haven’t really met anyone I have clicked with. I didn’t know what else to do. AITA?
Verdict: YTA
**Edit:**
I was on the fence about whether I was the asshole or not. I didn’t want to upset my son but please understand I have had no companionship for many years since my husbands death and as such I reacted quickly when there was a chance I could lose this man too.
I’ll speak to my son about getting Spacey back home. I hope I do not lose my partner but it is better than losing my son. Your responses have confirmed what I have been thinking. Thank you for your judgements.
&nbsp;
Comments from OOP:
> It was my partners suggestion, he told me to do it or he would leave. I thought we could find a compromise but he said no. But as I have said above I will be talking to my son about getting Spacey back.
> Once I revealed that my partner told me to give up the cat in my previous post, a lot of people linked me to some resources about manipulation/abuse. I can see now my partner is not good. For example he won’t let me have any male friends. He said he doesn’t have any female friends so I am not allowed male friends. I’m also not allowed to see my female friends when they have their husbands with them. My late husband was a kind and loving man. My new partner is not. He is sweet to my son, other than this major incident, and he was sweet to me but he has moments of being controlling. I am going to tell him I have Spacey back and will not suggest any remedies for his allergies. He will get mad and threaten to leave and this time I will let him.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: AITA for giving my sons cat away?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/a1rye5/update_aita_for_giving_my_sons_cat_away/) - 30 November 2018 [about 4 hours later]
I spoke to my son and we are getting Spacey back tomorrow. He is not far from us and the new owners (family friends) are happy to return Spacey especially as it has not been very long since we re-homed him.
My son is very happy. He is still angry at me and that’s understandable. I can’t believe I did such a thing. It is not an excuse but I was caught up in feeling something again after so long and when my partner told me I had to rehome Spacey I just listened.
I have not spoken to my new partner about this yet, but I suppose that doesn’t matter.
Thank you for your help.
&nbsp;
Comments from OOP:
> I have wholeheartedly apologised to my son and guaranteed this will never happen again. Spacey is also welcome to stay with me while my son goes to university. My partner will threaten to leave once he finds out about Spacey and I will let him leave.
> We are finished. He got mad and left, tried to manipulate me and I let him go. Blocked him everywhere and haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. He doesn’t have keys or anything, it was a clean break and I don’t want to see him again. I feel like a fool for falling for him and doing something so terrible.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 7,092 | "2022-12-07T20:27:39" | AITA for giving away my son's cat? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfcpd5/aita_for_giving_away_my_sons_cat/ | false | false | [
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zfd5oy | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T20:43:33" | How can I move past my boyfriend using tinder behind my back? | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfd5oy/how_can_i_move_past_my_boyfriend_using_tinder/ | false | false | [
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zffvzr | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throw-ra39242243 in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!Body shaming, eating disorder!<
---
&nbsp;
[**I[23F] made my boyfriend[24M] cry.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/no4sxv/i23f_made_my_boyfriend24m_cry/) - 30 May 2021
We got drunk at a little get together and then we went back to my place. We were joking around and he said that he likes to eat too much. I grabbed his belly and said "yeah, I can tell". Which was HORRIBLE thing to say - but I want to emphasize that we were being goofy and flirting and in my mind it didn't register as something as cruel and insulting.
He starts crying and apologizing for crying. I apologize immediately, telling him I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I think he's at a perfect weight, I think his belly is cute and was trying to lightheartedly tease him.
I would like to do more to apologize but I am not sure what to do. I don't think he is still upset with me but I imagine I really hurt his feelings and would like to undo some of that damage if possible.
TL;DR: when flirting I teased my boyfriend for his weight and made him cry. Would like to do more to make it up to him.
&nbsp;
[**Update : I[23F] made my boyfriend[24M] cry.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/novfen/update_i23f_made_my_boyfriend24m_cry/) - 31 May 2021
I would modify my current post to add updates, but I forgot my throwaway password since I wasn't expecting much engagement past a certain time window. Out of curiosity I looked up my post and saw that it actually got a lot of engagement after I logged out of my throwaway account.
There seemed to be a lot of disagreement on whether I should bring it up again or not. Luckily, my boyfriend brought it up so I didn't need to make that judgement call. He asked me that if I had an issue with his weight, if I would directly say something about it. I told him that I can't really imagine having a problem with it, but that if it was something that actually bothered me I would say something rather than make jokes about it.
There was also understandably some confusion about why I would comment on his belly while trying to flirt. In my (drunk) mind it made sense because I think its really sexy when guys have some extra weight on them. Its not one of those thing where "I think it's cute because he's my boyfriend" but I think it's cute but it's something I've always found really attractive since puberty basically.
So to joke about his weight wasn't intended to be a "haw haw you're fat and that's bad and therefore funny" joke but a "I think youre cute 😉 "joke. When I said it I was thinking about how attractive he is and how nice his body looks.
I was a bit nervous explaining this to him. Though I figured it was better if he knows I have a thing for it rather than him thinking I dislike his body. He actually seemed relieved. He told me that he had an eating disorder on and off in high school and college because he found it really difficult to manage his weight and had a lot of family issues around that time as well.
He said he actually felt good about himself and that his weight is finally okay where its at even though he's not at a lower body fat percentage. But then when I made a joke about his belly it brought back old feelings and hurt really bad since I was the one who said it.
I understand body image issues are complex, but he is more or less the same size since we have started dating. It would be super weird if I suddenly had an issue with him not having a flat belly. Another thing, is that I don't even think he is clinically overweight.
That's the other aspect that makes me feel really bad about it. He's already active and lifts weights regularly, it's something he is conscious about. It'd be really weird if I were to genuinely shit on him for his body when it's something he actively works on.
TL;DR : BF brought the issue up, asked me if I would its something I would be straightforward about. I told him I would be direct if it was something that actually bothered me. BF told me he had an ED for several years, but had relatively recently came to terms with himself - so to the fact I made the joke I did hurt is feelings badly. I told BF that I like his body and have always liked bodies like it, that some extra weight is really attractive to me. I was worried he would be insulted by this but he was relieved that I made the joke because I like guys with some belly and not because I think it's a bad thing.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,038 | "2022-12-07T22:16:34" | I[23F] made my boyfriend[24M] cry. | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zffvzr/i23f_made_my_boyfriend24m_cry/ | false | false | [
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zfgigo | I’M NOT THE OP
The OP’s user is deleted.
This was posted in r/trueoffmychest
TW: r@pe, abuse, bullying.
mood spoilers: >!happy!<
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z3a1e3/i_kicked_my_pregnant_sister_out_because_she_made/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf - posted 13 days ago (Nov. 25th, 2022) (original post and update in the same post)
**ORIGINAL POST**
I (20m) share a apartment with a girl (20f) it’s been 7 months and we’re really good friends. My roommate told me she was abused throughout her childhood and she was raped when she was 11. My sister was victim of rape and she died so I felt really bad for my roommate.
My roommate is the best roommate you could ask for she washes the dishes does my laundry and folds it for me. Only thing I have to worry about is seeing purple and pink all throughout our apartment but that’s fine. Even though I tell her to not do all the chores she does them to surprise me and acts happy herself afterwards.
My roommate has a very big teddy bear (it’s larger than her). She named it Eva (her deceased mothers name) She said her parents gave it to her when she was 9.
Last week my sister called and begged me that she needed a place to stay and she’s 7 months pregnant. Of course I checked with my roommate and she was fine with it. My sister came over and first thing she did laugh at my roommates teddy bear I shut her down. Then she made fun of my roommates clothing style. My roommate wears girly clothes and my sisters a full on tomboy.
My roommate has a name for her teddy right. My sister made fun of her for that! I mean who the hell doesn’t name their plushies that’s the whole point of naming them!
I shut her off. Now it had been 5 days with my sister. Then my roommate came crying to me I mean full on crying. She said my sister cut her teddy bear. I asked my sister and she laughed and said “she’s 20” when I told her I will kick her out she blamed it on the pregnancy hormones. My sister didn’t even apologize!
I kicked her out and apologized to my roommate and said I will find a solution. It has been 2 days I don’t know what to do.
But I feel no regrets for kicking my sister out. She made fun and bullied the person whose apartment she was staying in. Pregnancy doesn’t give a right to act non-human or crazy or mean to anyone.
And my roommate isn’t singing now :( she sings in the evening while making food and she’s happy but now she’s sad :(.
I know this isn’t the right sub but could u tell me if I did the wrong thing?
And ‘Round_Brush_4828’ and ‘JackJustice1919’ could be my sister undercover.
Top comment:
*You did the right thing kicking your sister out. But how long have you been in love with your roomate for?*
OP’s response: *3 months in love. I haven’t confessed yet.*
**UPDATE**
I kicked my pregnant sister out for making my roommate cry.
Can someone link the original in the comments sections I don’t know how to..
Thank you all for the support 💜❤️.
So my roommate went to go get showered. It took her 2 hours so that means that was her “depressed” shower. I took her teddy bear I drove to my friends mothers shop thankfully Eva got repaired. Then I stopped at a mall and went to a shop I found 2 very cute and my roommates type teddy bears. One was lavender and one was baby pink (her favorite colors). I bought both of them and went home it had been 1 hour and 13 minutes then I wrote a letter.
This was an idea from a fellow commenter. “While op was fixing me he let me in on a secret that he loves you too”. I wrote a letter and I also bought flowers. She came outside and I said “we need to talk”. She sat down nervously and said “uh yes what do we need to talk about” I gave her her teddy bear and she hugged me (butterflies). She kept repeating thank you.
Then I gave her the other 2 new teddy bears. She opened the letter. I was shaking because I didn’t know what to expect. She looks at me dead in the eye and says “You love me”? I say “yes”. We kissed.
And I guess we’re dating now!
As for the other 2 teddy bears they have been named (Eva, Lily, Lola). And for my sister I don’t know where she is?
We are going on a date tomorrow and I’m so excited!.
Omg there were so many signs that she gave. Im so fucking dumb 🤦🏻♂️. She even indirectly asked me out. How stupid could I be?!
My mom brought my GF (🥹) a plushie (it was a dark purple one) my GF laughed and now she’s singing while making food for us and I’m happy too!
Yeah that’s the update.
**Reminder: I’m not the OP** | 9,829 | "2022-12-07T22:38:54" | I kicked my pregnant sister out because she made my roommate cry. | CONCLUDED | aita-reader | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfgigo/i_kicked_my_pregnant_sister_out_because_she_made/ | false | false | [
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zfgraw |
**I am not OOP. This is a repost sub reddit**
Originally posted by u/throwrachestnut in r/wedding
[Original Post + Updates Nov 11, 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/ytt1yj/my_sister_invited_her_boyfriend_to_spend_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
*Original Post*
My wedding is on a Sunday and my family is staying in a hotel 10 minutes from the venue Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We have guests flying in from multiple countries/states, so this way we can all spend time together during the days leading up to the wedding. My parents got a suite where they will be in one bedroom and myself and two sisters will be in the other bedroom. My sister invited her boyfriend to stay in our bedroom with her. Her reasoning is that she wants him to meet/spend time with our family who is flying in and doesn’t want him to have to commute between his parent’s house and the hotel every day (it’s 50 minutes).
I don’t really feel comfortable sharing a bedroom/bathroom with her boyfriend, especially the night before my wedding? I kind of wanted it to just be a special night with my siblings. Also, my fiancé will be driving from his parents house to the hotel each day to hang out with the out-of-town family? Am I being unreasonable?
*Relevant Comments*
‘Originally my parents asked if I would like my own hotel room or if I would like to stay with them. I said I would prefer to spend the night with them the night before the wedding, not alone. They didn’t mention her boyfriend would be staying in the room with us, and now all the rooms are booked.’
‘Also, my fiancé is upset and doesn’t like the idea of me spending the night in a room with a man who is not related to me the night before our wedding... He wanted to spend the night together before the wedding (we’ve been living together for 4 years), and I told him I wanted to keep the tradition where we don’t see each other the day before the wedding. He’s upset that my sister’s boyfriend will be spending the night in the bridal suite and not him and he thinks it’s weird, but he’s not upset with me. I also shared a hotel room once with my sister and her boyfriend when we attended a cousin’s funeral, and he came into the bathroom while I was showering. This may also be why my fiancé is uncomfortable with the situation.’
‘Everyone is getting ready at the hotel room on Sunday morning, and they said he would leave while we get our hair/makeup done. My mom is treating me like a “bridezilla” and thinks I’m being unreasonable... My mom is upset with me that I’m upset... my mom told me I’m being “ungrateful” and nothing my parents do is “ever good enough” for me.’
‘Nobody asked me before inviting him. I found out about it today (one month before the wedding) because my sister asked me what time we are checking in on Friday so she can let him know.’
‘It was my mom’s idea. My sister is not financially independent yet (she is in grad school) so they would be the ones paying for the additional hotel room and it’s very expensive. When I brought it up to my mom today she said “what do you want me to do, spend another $___ for them to have their own room?” ...he is also in graduate school and not financially independent yet’
‘I mean, it’s the suite all my bridesmaids are coming to Sunday morning to get our hair/makeup done and where the photographer will take all our getting ready photos. The venue came with a bridal suite but my mom preferred the hotel because it’s nicer.’
*Update:*
I am going to sleep now and will read the rest of the comments in the morning! I just wanted to say I really appreciate everyone’s validation and support. Sometimes my family makes me feel like I’m crazy and I needed to hear from unbiased people that I’m indeed not. I am going to try talking to my mom about this again tomorrow. Thank you!
*Update 2*
You guys are AMAZING!!! I talked to my mom and she basically gaslit me and told me I’m being unappreciative… but they canceled the suite and booked three separate rooms instead (one for my parents, one for my sister and her boyfriend, and one for me and my 15yo sister). This has been a huge wake up call for me and a sign that I need to start standing up for myself more to my family. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who commented, I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to all of them, but your overwhelming support means the world to me. | 11,619 | "2022-12-07T22:48:09" | My sister invited her boyfriend to spend the night in my bridal suite. | CONCLUDED | ImageNo1045 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfgraw/my_sister_invited_her_boyfriend_to_spend_the/ | false | false | [
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zfh8ks | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T23:05:49" | OOP's obese mom is out of touch with reality, taking it out on OOP's sister | CONCLUDED | glass_star | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfh8ks/oops_obese_mom_is_out_of_touch_with_reality/ | false | false | [
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zfhx73 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-07T23:31:52" | My dad might die tomorrow | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfhx73/my_dad_might_die_tomorrow/ | false | false | [
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zfiu1n | **I am NOT OP. Original post by uEvery_Thanks_8052 in r/relationship_advice**
**[I asked for a threesome, but she was much better than me in bed](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yo7oi5/i_asked_for_a_threesome_but_she_was_much_better/)**
Posted Nov. 7Th. 2022
I'm 24F Bi, my boyfriend is 31/M and has a lot more experience in bed than me. It's honestly the best sex I've had, he can get me to finish whenever he wants but I've never been able to get him off with oral. He always says it's him and I'm not doing anything wrong, but he always either has to end up going inside me or finishing himself off.
Having a threesome with another girl has been a fantasy of mine for a long time. He always hesitated when I brought it up because he thinks relationships get ruined that way. But I wore him down and got my really, really hot friend who was also curious to agree to it. We got together last night.
I was super into it at first, but I started to feel awful when I realized how much better than me she is in bed. Like full on bucking on top of him, making noises, bouncing. Then she finished him off with her mouth and he just exploded like a fountain.
He looked like his eyes were going to roll into the back of his head. He's never been anywhere close to that way when it's just the two of us, and I know it's my fault.
Should I tell him how I feel? How do I even approach this, the whole thing was my idea in the first place and now I feel like I can never live up to expectations now.
TLDR I asked for a threesome, but my friend was much better in bed than I am and now I don't know what to do.
[UPDATE: I asked for a threesome, but she was much better than me in bed](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yojfjq/update_i_asked_for_a_threesome_but_she_was_much/)
Posted Nov. 7Th. 2022
Here's the [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yo7oi5/i_asked_for_a_threesome_but_she_was_much_better/) for reference
Post was closed before I could answer any comments and got a bunch of messages, but to address some of the most common questions -
Why did I choose to do it with a friend? She and I had already fooled around with each other before my BF and I got together, and he clearly found that to be a huge turn-on when I told him. My boyfriend knows I'm bi and we openly discuss which women we find attractive. We both pretty much agree that she's the hottest girl we know. Maybe it was a bad idea in retrospect, but it felt like the most logical option. I don't think he would have readily agreed to it with anyone else.
Did I coerce him? Kind of I guess. It's not that he wasn't into it, just that he felt like threesomes complicate relationships. Honestly though when I told him that this specific friend was willing to join us, he started to change his tune. He honestly would have been happy just getting to watch the two of us go at it, him getting to join in basically sealed the deal.
Where was I when she was riding my boyfriend? The threesome was kind of a birthday present to me from the both of them, they paid a LOT of attention to me at first and got me off multiple times. The last round was intense enough that I couldn't have handled any more stimulation so I was content just laying beside him and kissing his neck while enjoying the show.
Was it just the excitement of being with two women? Sadly, no it definitely wasn't. Someone said in a comment that my friend 'porn fucked' him, and that does pretty much sum it up. It was pretty hot to watch, she went to town on him. I'm not surprised he came the way he did, he probably never stood a chance.
Can't I just copy what she did? I don't know, I'm not sure I'm wired to fuck the way she can. I don't think I can be that aggressive or animalistic. I do want to try and get better at giving head, it was kind of eye-opening to see what she was capable of and the way he reacted to it. But I don't think I'm ever going to be the girl that can just shove him down and bang his brains out.
Did my BF get her off the way he gets me off? Yeah, he did. She definitely didn't regret joining in.
Anyway, to the update. I did talk to him tonight. I made him promise to answer all my questions honestly.
I asked him what he thought of the threesome? He said that I was right, he loved it, was super happy I talked him into it and he's open to doing it again. He probably thought this would make me happy, but ngl my heart sank a little.
Then I brought up how hard she made him come and that I'd never seen him react that way with me before. He went quiet for a bit, I reminded him he promised to be honest. He said he loves doing it with me, but sex with her was a lot more intense and she was basically relentless/wouldn't stop until he came. I can't argue with that, I have to admit I give up when I'm giving head, she went at him in a way I never have. He saw I was a bit self conscious and said right away he's not looking to be with anyone else, he loves me and would never want me to feel otherwise.
Then he suggested maybe we need some time alone together and offered to take me on a trip next weekend. He held me super tight on the couch tonight and kept kissing me on the forehead and telling me he loved me. Maybe I'm fucked up but it kind of made me feel worse to think this was all my idea and now I made him feel guilty for giving me what I wanted.
So yeah, I don't know where to go from here. I can 100% guarantee you he wants to do it again, pretty sure she does too. Part of me wants to as well - the more I think about what happened, the more turned on I get. Maybe I can try and get her to teach me the next time around. Doubt he would complain. But it's hard to get past the fact that she was easily able to do something for him that I pretty much have never been able to do.
**Reminder - I am not the OP** | 7,883 | "2022-12-08T00:08:37" | I asked for a threesome, but she was much better than me in bed | ONGOING | Internal_Ranger3351 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfiu1n/i_asked_for_a_threesome_but_she_was_much_better/ | false | false | [
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zfocqn | Originally posted by u/throwawayacc225434 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Nov 27, '22, updated in the same post over the next couple days. I have changed the initials to fake names.
Trigger Warning: >!Animal abuse, rape accusations, drug use!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z6clqi/i_was_accused_of_saing_my_ex_girlfriend_and_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I was accused of SAing my ex-girlfriend, and it has ruined my life. Now my friends want to talk after all of these years.
Let me just start off by saying that no, I did not SA my ex-girlfriend. I (24M) was accused of SA my ex-girlfriend (23F) about 7 years ago, and it has ruined my life. I was a quiet kid in high school who had a small group of friends. I was a band kid, straight A's, that type of crowd. Now, in my sophomore year, I met my ex, let's call her Ann, and we dated on and off over a year. Ann and I also have a small past together (her parents worked with my parents and were best friends) and we already knew each other well. We had no issues within the relationship and we saw each other at least 3 times a week (we went to separate schools).
Now I was the one who did the damage, I broke up with her for multiple different reasons, the main one being her sister tried to stab me with a kitchen knife. A year goes by (now nearing the end of my junior year) and my buddy, we'll call him Joe, calls me and tells me Ann is accusing me of SAing her. I hadn't seen her or spoken to her since our break up, and Joe and my friend group all knew that, so I naturally shrugged it off and thought it wouldn't be too much of an issue (kind of just a friend group rumor type of deal).
Now this is where I was wrong. By the beginning of my senior year I had received death threats on numerous occasions, all of my friends turning on me, and it all led to me getting arrested. While I was in holding, someone killed my dog while my parents weren't home and left a note calling me a "R****st." That dog was my best friend through all of this and was the final straw in my decision.
The charges were dropped due to the little evidence Ann had provided. I took my second chance at life and ran away. After highschool (which after all the court hearings was only a few weeks away) I had moved across the state losing all of my high school friends, changed my phone number, and deleted all social media. My parents knew I left but had no idea where I was was. I was a ghost and it was the way my life had to be.
Living on my own wasn't how it always sounds for an out of highschool student like myself. I spent the first 2 years hiding away in my apartment. I spent months overthinking and questioning my own thoughts. I went to work and went home, I did not converse with anyone for 2 years, I had no friends, and I was lonely. All I had was my new dog Bosco (yes he is named after the bear from Avatar: the last Airbender). I was living in hell with my only escape being my dog and my games (which I deleted all of my online friends as well).
Eventually I met a lovely woman, we'll call her Kim. Kim and I met while I was at the dog park with Bosco. This girl has done everything for me and I love her so much. She hasn't doubted my side since the day I told her and has helped me start my life over, including helping me make new friends.
Sorry for the rambling, but I'm nearing the end of the story. Now, last week I had made a new social media account and added only my new friends and Kim's family (my family understands why I did not add them as it would link me to my hometown). I received an odd message request this morning. I looked in disbelief as I saw it was from Joe, asking me where I have been and if I was okay. I did not open it, I just let it be and went about my day. Now I have 5 new friend requests from my old friend group, all of them messaging me asking me where I was and if I wanted to meet up and talk. I decided to message Joe back and told him everything I've been waiting to tell him. "You guys turned your backs on me, tarnished my name, and helped Ann destroy my life and my reputation back in (hometown name). Do you really expect me to reply back to you after that?." I went on and explained what happened, including how someone murdered my dog.
I've spent years in therapy, countless hours of trial and error to socialize again, and what felt like an eternity to trust anyone. I have new friends and an awesome girlfriend, all have which contributed to my success at restoring my humanity. I've been thinking about it all day today and I still don't know if I should give my old friends another chance. Maybe they've grown up and regretted their decisions, or maybe they just expect me to forgive them. If anyone has any opinion on this, please comment.
Sorry for the rambling, I just needed a safe place to be able to share my story and my recent events. Kim already does so much for me and I don't want to text her while she's at work about this. Thank you for reading and any comments that follow are much appreciated.
**Update:**
Joe and my other old friends told me everything that happened since I've been gone. To sum it all up, Ann is a drug addict and does not live in my hometown anymore. They all apologized to me, but I told them we could no longer be close. The drama and memories would all come back and I've worked too hard to get where I am in life to let some dumb old friends ruin that. After they apologized, they all took turns admitting they regret taking Ann's side. They told me they have no idea who killed my dog (also to mention my dog was killed with rat poison if some of you were wondering). However, none of them understood the fact that I cannot be close with them anymore. I blocked them all. It feels really nice to have closure and not have the consequences of being close with them. Kim really helped me through this and I've read a lot of your comments and I respect everyone's opinion.
Also, to touch up on some questions everyone had. Ann's sister did not like me at all. She also had serious mental health issues that ended up landing her in mental health facilities on multiple occasions. I have no idea where she is now and I honestly could care less. She is a horrible human being and deserves nothing.
Ann admitted to the false accusation some time after I moved across the state. Joe and the others told me they were all at a college party, where Ann was s**tfaced and decided it was a good idea to get frisky with another old friend of mine (his name is irrelevant). She told him she came up with the accusation months after I broke up with her because I was her first love and I deserved it. I guess the crazy runs in the family.
The lesson to take away from this, don't give anyone a second chance. They broke your trust the first time and should not be given another chance. Know your self worth. Thank you everyone who commented and gave me some self esteem. Your opinions are greatly appreciated more than you know.
**Second update:**
Since internet trolls and others are asking for "proof" or "clarification" on my expenses, living arrangements, etc. I'll post them so y'all can move on with your lives.
1. Bosco is a beagle, who I adopted at the age of 3 and half years old, months after I moved. His maintenance is low and he does not mind being alone by himself. (Heartworm tests/prevention $65 annually and vaccines anywhere from $60-$120 annually depending on which vaccines he requires). He's an amazing dog who brings joy to me and I give him a happy home with everything he needs at his disposal (food, potty pads, and toys all laid out in front of him).
2. Moving across the state at the age of 18 and fresh out of highschool is not easy, but I had to do what I had to do. I sold a lot of possessions (drum set, guitars, snowboards, furniture, etc.) To afford the first and last months rent with deposit. I also had a graduation party, which I ate up a lot of that money as well as the money I had been saving since I started working at 16 (I planned on going to college so I saved as much as I could). Hard, yes. Impossible, absolutely not.
3. I have no idea why my old friends wanted to rekindle after all these years and no, I do not know how they found my social media page. It was a FB account that I created to keep in touch with Kim's family and my friends (especially the new online friends I made). If you want to know how they did, go ask Mark Zuckerberg about the FB algorithm. Maybe they stalked me, who tf knows.
4. To those internet trolls who think they know it all because they're sitting in their momma's basement, eating their big old bag of Cheetos, not everyone lives an easy life like yourself and I kindly ask to try and compose yourself. If you don't believe my story, that's fine. Not a lot of people do. But try your hardest to wrap your greasy heads around the fact that other individuals live totally separate lives from yours. Not all of us have the luxury of staying at home and playing video games. I did not give up and I refused to be homeless, which meant I got up off my a** and worked nearly everyday of my life to make sure that didn't happen. I went to therapy (which was a bonus of staying in my parents health care), went to work, and moved on. Thanks for reading my post, but just know the admins will remove those obnoxious comments you work so hard to compose. Thanks.
5. To everyone else, thank you for reading my post and understanding. I appreciate all of your comments and opinions, they were very uplifting and helped me clear my head and helped me realize that I don't need my old friends to be happy. Thank you. | 5,793 | "2022-12-08T04:03:52" | He Was Falsely Accused Of SA'ing His Ex-Girlfriend (Nov 27, '22) | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfocqn/he_was_falsely_accused_of_saing_his_exgirlfriend/ | false | false | [
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zfplxn | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Frosty-Nectarine2635](https://www.reddit.com/user/Frosty-Nectarine2635/). She posted in r/AITA. I fixed a few typos but the rest is as it was posted.
For those of you on mobile who don't want to see the spoilers, here's your daily dolphin fun fact: Nana and Nellie are the longest-living dolphins on record. They lived 42 and 61 years, respectively.
**Trigger Warning:** >!Emotional Abuse!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Hopeful Ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z35m6e/aita_for_snapping_at_my_inlaws_for_saying_my/)**: November 23, 2022**
Context
My (36f) husband (36m) comes from a family of athletes; they put him in boxing as a kid. He was talented and he suffered a lot of pressure from his family. They wanted him to become professional but my husband never wanted that. In high school, things got worse for him as the school's coaches were brutal and the attention he received from promoters and outside coaches led his family to put more pressure on him. The relationship with his family went south when he informed them he was going to university and giving up boxing for good (not true the boxing part).
I met him a month before we started high school and we've been together ever since. When he was 30, his family contacted him to try to fix their relationship; their relationship is decent, the same with me.
Now, we took our children on Sunday to visit them. SIL and her husband were talking about one of my nephews learning to play the piano and that he is good for his age. Then MIL said, and I quote, *“be careful, you don’t want to “encourage” him only for him to quit and ruin his life as (my husband’s name)”.*
It seemed like MIL forgot I was there and they went silent (my husband was out buying some things with his father and his other 2 BIL). I was calm and asked her how he ruined his life, his sisters got involved and said that's not what MIL meant and I wouldn’t understand. I replied:
*“No, I don’t understand; I don't understand why you wanted to live through him, why you never listened to him, why you never accepted what he wanted, why you didn’t let him be, why you think he ruined his life, I don’t get it. If you think it’s because I don’t know how talented he was, you’re wrong because I was there, even when you abandoned him, it wasn't for nothing that he got two scholarships and people were after him. I'd understand if he didn't do anything with his life, but that’s not the case. He has a degree, an amazing career, built 2 different business, is a great father and husband. He is more successful than all of you combined. Please, tell me how he ruined his life or what part I don’t understand”.* I got silence.
I took our children and left; I texted my husband that I was going home. He arrived shortly after and told him what happened and he’s not mad. To be honest, this is the first time I heard these types of comments and I pretty much blew the relationship he has with his family and apparently also caused issues with his sisters' husbands because they had a different version of why my husband was estranged.
**EDIT/SMALL UPDATE: (Same post, same day)**
I never expected this much attention and sorry for not answering every comment, I will clear some points and give you a small update.
* First of all, thank you for the kind words and the awards, I reacted on instinct and kind of regretted, but my husband reassured me that it was fine, he would have done the same thing for me (which I know). He’s all smiles every time I see him.
* I’m sorry for those who went through the same thing, I'm glad you left that horrible situation and that you are doing what you want. Good job!
* I should have been clearer, MIL says he ruined his life because he wasted the chance to be recognized and famous, something they always longed for and couldn't achieve on their own.
* My husband stopped competing once he finished university and not after high school, he had to do it so he could maintain his scholarship.
* The children weren't present when I exploded, they were outside playing.
* His sisters lied to their husbands about the reason why my husband was estranged. They put the blame entirely on him and downplayed what they did.
* Someone linked a story about a couple who is dealing with the after trauma and it's heartbreaking. Injuries and trauma are two of the many reasons my husband never wanted to make boxing his career. Fortunately, he received minimal damage and sees a specialist once a year to make sure everything is fine.
* My husband says that over the years he felt something was off, so he's not surprised they haven't changed their opinion of him and that they were just faking it to gain access to our kids.
**Small update (Same post, November 24, 2022)**
Early today when we dropped the kids off at school, his sister’s husbands were there and wanted to hear my husband version. We went to have breakfast and he told them everything. From their reaction, it was clear that their wives were still downplaying the whole thing. According to one of them, his wife is starting to display the same traits as MIL, so yeah.
We agreed to talk on Saturday to plan how are going to move forward with our children. They go to the same school and are very close, we don’t want to disrupt their relationship.
As for his parents, we are going to talk to them on Saturday to let them know how their relationship with our children and us is going to be from now on.
Thanks to all of you again.
***Relevant Comment:***
"The worst part is that my husband's parents didn't want him to go to university, they wanted him to go pro right after high school. In fact, he was able to go to a pretty nice high school and get good education because his then-coach and him tricked his parents."
*OOP is voted NTA*
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z9x6r0/update_aita_for_snapping_at_my_inlaws_for_saying/)**: December 1, 2022**
Some ask me for an update, so here it is.
During the week with talk to our kids and asked them (without being obvious) how they have been treated by their grandparents; we got positive responses (they have been treated well, to be clear).
We talked to everyone on Sunday (without the kids) and my husband was the one who did the talking; first it was his parents.
They tried to apologized but my husband cut them short. He said that we weren’t there for apologies or explanations, but to talk about their new relationship with us. He told them that we are no longer going to take the kids to their house anymore; they will have 2 visits per month and will be supervised by us; they will be the ones who plan the activities and they have to inform us with enough time so that we can approve them. The only time they will see the kids besides their 2 times is for birthdays and holidays. To keep their opinions of him or me to themselves, as the moment they run their mouths with our kids present, it will be the last time they will see them. And for us, we'll be civil but that’s it.
They agreed and before we left they told us they are separating, to which my husband replied that he doesn’t care. The visits and rules are the same regardless of their marital situation, we could split the visits to one each or they could have 2 together, but that's up to them. The visitations will begin after their situation is resolved.
Later that day they we visited his sisters and their husbands, all gathered in one house.
Pretty much the same drill, but he listened to his sister. His sisters apologized and told us that they are going to therapy again, they asked my husband if he was willing to go with them at some point but he refused. He told them that their relationship is way too broken to mend, that he harbors no ill feeling towards them, and the only thing he will give them is common decency. That it is good that they are going to therapy again and hopes they take it seriously now because their kids and husbands deserve better.
With that being said, he proposed that things continue more or less the same (we take our kids to their house or they bring theirs to ours) but with the exceptions of visits from his parents (we explained them the deal with my In-Laws) and that my sisters and parents are still willing to maintain the same relationship with the kids but not so much with them. Any comment from them like the one his mother did and everything will stop. If they have another plan, we could work it out. They all agreed with our plan.
For now, everyone is looking to keep things civil for the kids, which I think is a good thing. Anyway, my husband and I draw lines and we will make sure they don’t cross them.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Someone asks why the parents are separating:*
"From what we know, it's because he no longer share the same views that his still-wife has about my husband. But it could also be because he is trying to get a better deal from us regarding the kids. Hard to tell right now."
*More about the sisters:*
"They are 2, 3 and 4 years older than him. The reason why he doesn't want to try therapy with them is because of how they treated him and this situation.
When they find out my husband was talented, they resented him (you can change "resent" with your strongest favorite word) A LOT because he was good and they weren't shy about it. After a while, they accepted that they would never make it so they started pretending to be nice to him while pressure him the same the way their parents did to him.
For him right now, they are not really trying to "fix" their relationship with him but with their husbands. They knew back then that what they were doing was wrong. They had 12 years to be better; these past 6 years, I dare to say they had a friendly relationship. He released his bad feelings towards them a long time ago and he didn't develop any this time, he tried with them but they haven't changed; they were pretending like in the past." | 5,316 | "2022-12-08T05:01:36" | AITA for snapping at my In-Laws for saying my husband "ruined" his life? Not | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfplxn/aita_for_snapping_at_my_inlaws_for_saying_my/ | false | false | [
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zfr8dx | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-08T06:26:33" | Nightmare Situation: Me(35F) with Partner(40M), my son and his nephew (15Ms) | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfr8dx/nightmare_situation_me35f_with_partner40m_my_son/ | false | false | [
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zfs7u3 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-08T07:23:47" | OP’s landlord keeps stealing their mail, so OP sends themself a special delivery & waits | ONGOING | regular-kahuna | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfs7u3/ops_landlord_keeps_stealing_their_mail_so_op/ | false | false | [
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zfsqpw | 1 | "2022-12-08T07:55:28" | I hate people that lie about they're sexuality | CONCLUDED | AEGHJU233 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfsqpw/i_hate_people_that_lie_about_theyre_sexuality/ | false | false | null |
|
zftng4 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-08T08:51:36" | My manager is a dick | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zftng4/my_manager_is_a_dick/ | false | false | [
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zfto1s | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-08T08:52:45" | My manager is taking advantage | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zfto1s/my_manager_is_taking_advantage/ | false | false | [
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zg3x7s | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/rkglsjfj in r/amitheasshole**
trigger warning: >!death!<
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for donating my daughters college fund instead of giving it to my step daughter to help buy a house**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/epmdeh/aita_for_donating_my_daughters_college_fund/) - 16 January 2020
So I have a 16 year old daughter that passed away in a car accident October 19th. I’ve been collecting a college fund for her since she was young, my ex husband and I both put money into it as well as she put some of her paychecks from work into it, and it’s about $25,000 full. I recently got remarried to a man who has a 30 year old daughter. My step daughter doesn’t like me, because I’m only 3 years older than her, my husband is significantly older than I am.
My daughter was very passionate about the environment, and my ex husband and I discussed what we would do with the college fund. My husband says it was my daughter and I can do what I feel is right to honor her.
We decided to divide it and we would each donate to charities we felt would make our daughter proud.
My step daughter however thinks we should split it evenly and she should get some cushion for buying a house, since I’m married to her father and that makes my contribution his money too.
She thinks donating *essentially* $13000 wouldn’t mean anything to a big charity and I could help someone I know in real life.
My husband has since joined her side and thinks $13000 would help her buy a house and we can honor my daughter in another way.
AITA for not wanting to change my plans?
Verdict: NTA
**Edit:**
there seems to be some confusion and I’m so sorry for wording it poorly
My ex husband and I, and a little bit my daughter are the sole people putting money into the fund. My current husband has not put any money into the fund from his personal finances.
My step daughter and my biological daughter did not have a relationship, as my step daughter is almost twice her age.
I am 33, my husband is 58. We have a joint house account, as well as separate personal funds.
My step daughter has brought this up multiple times, it wasn’t just a suggestion, she constantly brings it up.
My step daughter is also not poor off financially. She can afford a house, she is single, my husband helped her pay off her debt before we got married. She just wants some cushion.
**Edit #2:**
I am dividing the funds with my ex husband, not my husband now. My ex husband gets half to do with as he pleases to honor our daughter. My current husband gets nothing.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: AITA for donating my deceased daughters college fund instead of giving it to my husbands daughter**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f0eqtr/update_aita_for_donating_my_deceased_daughters/) - 7 February 2020
I’ve gotten messages asking for an update, so I’ll give one.
I left my husband. He told me I couldn’t do what I wanted with the college fund. I took my name off the account so my ex husband was the only owner in the case that my (soon to be ex) husband tried to claim that money in our divorce.
My daughter’s father and I went for a trip to my daughter’s favorite town, we went to her favorite spot and spread her ashes.
I’ve been staying with my sister, and looking for apartments to move into.
As far as the fund, we have discussed starting a scholarship, or paying a students tuition. We haven’t decided exactly what to do.
That’s about it
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 14,965 | "2022-12-08T16:32:35" | AITA for donating my daughter's college fund instead of giving it to my step daughter to help buy a house? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zg3x7s/aita_for_donating_my_daughters_college_fund/ | false | false | [
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zg4830 | Disclaimer: OOP is u/many_books_91 posting in r/EntitledPeople
OOP has made several posts over the span of 8 months about an entitled neighbor who moved into a solitary apartment and mistakenly believes she owns the entire building. Crazy hijinks ensue when the entitled Karen then tries to impose her own cockamamie rules over every owner of the other units.
****************
[Our new neighbour thinks she owns the building](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/trxmt4/our_new_neighbour_thinks_she_owns_the_building/) (March 30, 2022) Post #1
So let me begin this with I’m on mobile so sorry for the formatting.
Anyway, I (31f) live in a block of 6 units (apartments for non Australians). A month ago the unit above mine went up for sale and sold fairly quickly and the new owner moved in less than a week ago. This morning I got up and went to take rubbish out and found a note stuck to my door. I honestly thought it was a “I’m new to the building” kind of note ya know? Oh I could not of been more wrong!
“Dear tennant,
I recently bought your building and wished to introduce myself. My name blah blah (not going to put her actual name) and I think you will find me a fair landlord. However I do have rules.
1. Everyone is to be in their units by 9pm. If your going to be out past this I suggest you find accommodation elsewhere.
2. No pets allowed. If you have any they must be relocated before I do an inspection or I will call the ranger to remove them. This is the only warning.
3. I will conduct an inspection once a month and you will be present to answer any questions or face eviction.
4. Failure to pay rent on time will result in your eviction.
If we all follow these rules I’m sure we will get along,
Sincerely blah blah.”
What. The. F did I just read?
Fun fact about my building, we all own our own units, nobody actually owns the WHOLE building! I won’t lie i got to the number 2 and had a slight panic attack because I have cats and there’s no way I was giving them away before I remembered we bought our unit just before Christmas (we rented it from a friend prior and when she told me she was thinking about selling it we brought it, didn’t even have to move!) So in some ways it still feels like renting but we actually own our unit.
Now I’m not great at confronting someone, I tend to shake a lot but at that moment I was quite angry so I went upstairs and knocked on her door. You know that gut feeling you have? It was spot on. That door opened and there stood a karen, her hair blonder than my own, her nails long and bright coloured. She didn’t look happy to see me there. I introduced myself and explained that I lived downstairs and that I wanted to talk to her about her note. She started to talk over top of me, explaining that her letter was basic rules and even a child could understand it and if I didn’t like her rules I could hand in a letter to vacate.
Wow.
I would ask if people are really this up themselves but I work in retail and could answer my own question.
I told her that I actually own my unit, she hadn’t bought it or the rest of the building but only her own unit and that she couldn’t enforce anything in her note. She didn’t like that at all. She started yelling at me saying that yes she had indeed bought the whole building and that failure to comply with her rules would mean I would be evicted. I was just starting to think maybe I was wrong when another neighbour opened his door. He came out and asked what the issues was about and could she stop screaming as he worked nights and was trying to sleep. I told him I was trying to explain that she hadn’t bought the building and she started yelling again. My neighbour told her to stop and then said the best thing I had heard that day. “Are you stupid?” Her jaw dropped as he explained to her how wrong she was and that he was in fact part of the strata committee (kind of like a HOA that oversees the building) and that she had no right to make rules for everyone. She gave us dirty looks before slamming the door. I thanked him and he said in the entire time he lived there he hadn’t seen someone so entitled!
Edit: fixed a word
************
[My new neighbour thinks she can park anywhere](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/ttfbsk/my_new_neighbour_thinks_she_can_park_anywhere/) (April 2, 2022) Post #2
So I guess this is an update to my last post, I had a lot of people ask me to post if she did anything else.
This is also currently happening and my SO is witnessing it and texting me as I’m at work.
So if you missed my last post I had a new neighbour move into my building and she left notes on everyone’s doors saying she had brought the building and gave us insane rules to follow (she does not own the building but only a unit or apartment, jury is still out if she is insane or stupid).
She has been quiet for the last few days and I thought maybe that’s it? Apparently I was wrong. So each unit in our building is allocated ONE parking space. Just one. I park in mine and my SO parks his car on the street on the other side of the building. Our parking lot had one visitor space (its a very small parking lot 6 spots for residents and 1 visitor). The visitor spot is nearly always empty and my neighbours have said my SO could park his car there if he wanted as we are the only unit with 2 cars but he doesn’t mind parking where he is.
This morning my SO woke up to yelling. Our kitchen window overlooks the parking lot and he snuck a peak out the window and saw entitled neighbour standing next to our nice neighbour’s car and they were arguing loudly. She kept yellinug that she had a second car and needed to park in his spot and he had to move his car or else she would have it towed. He kept repeating that it was his parking spot and she could either park it in the visitor spot or on the street and if she towed his car he would report it stolen.
SO said she kept yelling she can park where she wants and he needed to move it or else so my SO decided to park his car in my empty spot in case she tried to park there while I’m at work. Last message he sent me she has stormed upstairs in a huff and slammed her door.
UPDATE: I got home from work and she has parked her second car in the visitor spot but she’s parked it so badly it’s blocking the driveway in. Right now I’m parked on the street but too tired to deal with her.
UPDATE 2: sorry I didn’t update sooner! So like I said before her car was basically blocking the driveway and I had to park on the street. Anyway when I got up for work the next day it was still there but when I came home it had gone. I asked my SO as he was at home and apparently a tow truck came and took it away. I’m still not sure which neighbour called the tow truck but I have a suspicion its the one she was arguing with. SO said she has been quiet all day only the odd footsteps.
**************
[Entitled neighbour wont let anyone use the clothesline](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/twnzyo/entitled_neighbour_wont_let_anyone_use_the/) (April 5, 2022) Post #3
Well I’m back. As many of you predicted, her entitlement grew.
In case anyone missed the update on my last post, her car was towed but I dont know which neighbour did it (idk how to link posts sorry!) This made her more angry but seeing as I was at work she hasn’t blamed me or my SO.
Its been raining all week and as I dont have a dryer I haven’t been able to do any big items like sheets or towels, only clothes as I can hang them up inside. On Saturday it was FINALLY sunny and I raced home from work, dragged my SO out of bed so I could wash all the blankets and dry them in case it rained again. I managed to get through five, yes FIVE loads of sheets, blankets and towels and I hung them all out of the line outside. We all share it, there are technically 2 different lines for us to use and we have never had an issue before.
I hung out my last load and went inside to chill. I went back out about an hour later to get the first load off and found evry single item i had hung out on the ground. Nothing had replaced it, all.of it had been torn down and my pegs and peg basket gone. Most of what I’d hung out was still wet and now covered in dirt.
I got my SO and he helped me bring everything inside before I went upstairs and knocked on her door. When she answered I asked if she had taken my washing off the line and she smugly informed me that she had not given my PERMISSION to use HER line and that next time I should be polite and ask and she might let me.
Look I’m going to level with you guys. I work in retail and deal with nightmare customers, i know how to be calm around these kind of people and I tried to be polite about this whole thing with the letter and the car but my bed is my safe space and I wanted it clean and she fucked with that just to be petty.
I calmly told her that everyone can use the line, its part of the building and nobody has to ask her permission. She tried to talk over me but i just held my hand up and told her I was part of the strata committee, I know all the rules and who owns what and she needs to pull her head out of her ass, grow up and stop her behaviour because its not doing her any favours. I told her to have a nice day before she slammed her door.
****************
[Entitled neighbour throws a party](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/u04dt7/entitled_neighbour_throws_a_party/) (April 10, 2022) Post #4
I was really hoping my neighbour would settle down but here we are though this story has a satisfying ending I think?
This just happened last night and I’m still a bit tired so im sorry for any spelling mistakes.
Our neighbour had been quiet for a while and my SO and I thought maybe she had finally realised she couldn’t control the whole building. One of her cars was parked in her spot and the other was parked on the street behind my SO’s car, nobody’s washing had been ripped off the line, no new notes were stuck to doors.
Until yesterday. As we are the bottom unit (apartment) we have a side door that opens out onto the shared yard. I think the only time I use that door is to air the place out or as a short cut to hang washing out. Sorry, anyway yesterday we were going about our day when we saw entitled neighbour and a few other people setting up tables and chairs in the yard. No big deal its shared space. A few minutes later there’s a knock on the side door and its her. SO opened the door (its a glass sliding door so she could see us we couldn’t pretend we weren’t there) and did the usual greetings. She told us she was having a party and we needed to move our wooden planters off our patio because she needed the space for her barbecue.
Um no.
Firstly the patio is OUR space not shared space and secondly they sit right next to the glass door so I dont want some random looking into my living room all night why they are cooking. SO reminded her she DOESNT OWN THE BUILDING and we wouldn’t be moving shit when one of her friends asked Wtf was she doing, they had already set up the barbecue in the yard. She huffed and walked off without saying anything us and we thought that was it. It was not.
A few hours go by and we ended closing the curtains for privacy (whoever designed this building didnt really keep privacy in mind for a detail but anyway 😂). We can hear talking, laughing and cooking, the usual sounds of a backyard party when there’s another knock on the door. I was cooking dinner so my SO answered it again. This time it was one of her friends saying she had to use the bathroom and entitled neighbour told her to just knock on our door instead of walking upstairs. SO politely told her sorry but she couldn’t use ours and she apologised for knocking and intruding. Not even 2 minutes later there’s banging on the door and by now my SO is pissed. He opened the door and entitled neighbour started to lay into him about how dare he expect HER guests to go all the way upstairs and that he needed to apologise to her and keep the door open for her guests.
Now my SO is usually a calm guy, very easy to talk to and rational but in that moment he lost his shit. He told her to fuck off and stop bothering us, to get her head out of her ass and she can’t lay claim to everything she sees. Our bathroom wasn’t hers to use, her guests could use her bathroom and if she knocked on our door again he would call the police for harassment. At this point one of her friends came over and told entitled neighbour she needed to leave us alone and stop bugging us before apologising and telling us to have a good night. We expected the party to be loud and go on all night but it actually wrapped up pretty early (about 1am I think?)
This morning when I got up everything had been cleaned up from the yard but our planters had been knocked over. Jokes on her because we hadn’t planted anything in them yet and most of the soil in there was used cat litter (I use potting mix as cat litter because its cheaper) so now she can smell my cats old turds 😂😂
****************
[Click here](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zg49qv/the_saga_of_an_entitled_new_neighbor_who_thinks/) for PART 2 of 2 | 4,161 | "2022-12-08T16:43:17" | The saga of an entitled new neighbor who thinks she owns the entire apartment building [PART 1 of 2] | ONGOING | iLiss | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zg4830/the_saga_of_an_entitled_new_neighbor_who_thinks/ | false | false | [
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zg49qv | Disclaimer: OOP is u/many_books_91 posting in r/EntitledPeople
This is PART 2 of the ongoing saga of OOP’s encounters with an entitled neighbor who moved into a single apartment and mistakenly believes she owns the entire building.
PART 1 can be found [here](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zg4830/the_saga_of_an_entitled_new_neighbor_who_thinks/).
************************
[She reaaaaaally wanted to pet my cat](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/ufb71h/she_reaaaaaally_wanted_to_pet_my_cat/) (May 1, 2022) Post #5
Well I’m back. I thought maybe my neighbour had settled down and I was done with her behaviour (I do hear her fighting with the upstairs neighbour now and then but that’s about it). This happened this afternoon and I’m still trying to figure out how her brain works.
So in my previous posts I explained how my new neighbour thinks she owns the building our apartment is in (news flash she doesn’t) and implemented some crazy ass rules (none of which were legal), it took a few arguments but I thought she finally understood she didn’t own everything. Boy was I wrong!
So as I am on the ground floor I have a glass sliding door that opens out into the shared yard (not happy about this but we mainly treat it like a window anyway). Being that it was a nice cool day i had the door open but the screen door shut and locked so I could air the house out after having rained and the house smelling musty. Whenever that door is open my cats will sit at it and watch all the birds outside. I was pretty tired and my SO suggested we both lay down and have a nap while I wait for the washing machine to finish thought sure why not its quiet today and we went and laid down.
We were woken up about an hour later to a rattling noise in the lounge room and I thought maybe one of the cats had tried to climb the screen door again so I got up to scold them and found my entitled neighbour trying to open my screen door. Like really pulling on it to the point the whole door was shaking. I asked her what was she doing and she told me she had seen my cats through the door while on her way to hang clothes out and wanted to pet them but the door was stuck. I told her it wasn’t stuck it was locked because this is a private residence and she can’t just walk in here whenever she pleased. She kept trying to open the door while yelling that i can’t keep my cats from people if they want to pet them and its her right to show them “real love”.
I repeated that this was my home and she couldn’t walk in whenever she wanted. This really seem to piss her off and she started to yell at me that I was a little bitch and I was abusing my animals and how dare I speak to her like that. At this point I was pretty sick of being yelled at in my own home so I just mustered up the sweetest smile I could before politely telling her to fuck off.
If looks could kill my cats would be eating my body right now.
She tried to open the door again when my SO came out and said he would call the police if she didn’t stop. She finally let go of the door, glared at us and stormed off. Needless to say we are ordering another camera for that door now and yes my cats are micro chipped!
ETA: thought I might add this as its been in a few comments, my phone was charging in my bedroom and I didn’t take it out with me when I got up, where I live the police aren’t very helpful unless its actually happening but I didn’t want to turn my back on crazy. My SO only got out of bed when he heard shouting because he thought I was talking to the cats 😂
Edit 2: https://imgur.com/gallery/JuXPqCt
**********************
[It’s been too quiet…](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/uzje4b/its_been_too_quiet/) (June 2022) Post #6
So if you’re new to the story here’s a brief recap (or you can check my history) My entitled neighbour brought the unit above us and thought she bought the whole building (she hadnt) and tried to implement some insane rules. She also tried to park in other people’s assigned parking and threatened to have our cars towed Told me I was abusing my cats because I wouldn’t let her pet them Screamed at me because I wouldn’t let her friends use my bathroom.
Anyway its been quiet for a few weeks, I normally hear her arguing with another neighbour all the time but lately nothing. Last week I brought a new car (yay!) And its slightly bigger than my old car so im not confident enough to park it in my spot so I’ve been parking on the street. The other day I got home from work and I saw a young man standing on her balcony. He was quite friendly, called out hello to me and introduced himself as her nephew and explained why he was there.
SHE BROKE HER FOOT! Apparently at the last family dinner she tripped over a dog and broke her foot and is now staying with family because she can’t get up and down the stairs! He said he was house sitting because she said she didn’t trust her neighbours but he admitted we are all really nice and quiet and maybe she is just crazy. It took all my strength to not sing and dance right there!
************************
[Entitled neighbour is back and wants me to isolate elsewhere](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/vcmtne/entitled_neighbour_is_back_and_wants_me_to/) (June 15, 2022) Post #7
Well…. she’s back. Was hoping she just wouldn’t come back after she broke her foot but last week we heard a door slam from upstairs, we looked outside and yep her car is there (no idea if her nephew who was house sitting is there or not still). Anyway, a few days ago I tested positive for the much whispered pathogen and have been doing the right thing and staying inside and dying quietly (Im fully vaccinated so it’s not that bad though I could live without the headaches). My partner was away all day Saturday because he was picking up his new car and he got home late Saturday afternoon, parking his new car on the back lawn so he could give it a quick hose down from the drive. I was inside watching through the sliding door when I heard her balcony door open and she started yelling at him to get off her lawn. He told her to shove it, its not her lawn and he is done when he is done and can she please stop yelling because I have covid and it doesn’t help the migraines.
Well that was a mistake.
I heard her storming down the stairs and she starts banging on our door screaming that I’m diseased and I need to isolate somewhere else before she gets sick and if I don’t leave she was going to call the police. I told her (through the main door) that she has been told REPEATEDLY she can’t kick us out of our own place that we own! I am staying inside and that she could call the police if she wanted but she would more than likely be fined herself for wasting their time. According to my SO who was coming in after moving his car, she looked down right murderous but once she saw him she took off up the stairs. Haven’t heard anything from her since or anything from the police so we think it was an empty threat.
I was so tempted to open the door because like they say…. sharing is caring 😈😈
ETA: just wanted to add because I’ve had a few comments on it, we can’t get her evicted from her own home as she owns it just like we own ours. Also lawyers in Australia are very expensive just to talk to, like when we brought our unit thr lawyers handling the sale charged us for everything, they stuffed up the paperwork by misspelling my name and then charged us more to reissue the papers with the correct name. As far as I know my upstairs neighbour spoke to his lawyer about her but they can’t do much anyway 🤷♀️
**********************
[Entitled neighbour strikes again!](https://reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/xx1xy0/entitled_neighbour_strikes_again/) (October 6, 2022) Post #8
I’m back! Did you miss me?
I won’t lie I was hoping I would never have to post again and she would become a normal neighbour. I was wrong!
So she was so quiet for so long and her car was barely there I was starting to think maybe she had moved out but I got a nice reminder last week that she is still around.
To start this story I must give a brief background, there are 8 units total in this building, I am on the ground floor and the very nice old lady across the hallway and I have an unspoken rule that if one of us is home and the other isn’t we sign for and accept packages so they just aren’t left in the hallway. I had been expecting a package and I had a feeling it was going to show up while I was at work but I wasn’t worried because of my nice old neighbour, she would drop it off when I got home, no drama right?
Wrong.
My nice old neighbour had actually gone away for a few days so with nobody around my package was left next to my front door. But it wasn’t there when I got home.
Oh yes. Yes dear reader. She had it.
About ten minutes after I got home I heard the familiar stomping on the stairs and the banging on my door. Long story short, my package had been delivered and she wanted to do the nice thing and hold onto it until I came home but apparently it had “accidentally” ripped and she saw what was inside. I won’t lie, it was sex toys (I like to treat myself sue me). The moment I opened the door she threw my package at me, yelling how I was a disgusting pervert and I should move out before it spreads.
I told her that opening someone else’s mail is a crime, it’s not a crime to buy those kind of things but thanks for taking care of my package!
******************
OOP last posted about her entitled neighbor 2 months ago but I still have to flare this as Ongoing. Call it a gut instinct but I don’t believe this is the last we’ve seen from the crazy neighbor from down under! | 5,717 | "2022-12-08T16:44:53" | The saga of an entitled new neighbor who thinks she owns the entire apartment building [PART 2 of 2] | ONGOING | iLiss | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zg49qv/the_saga_of_an_entitled_new_neighbor_who_thinks/ | false | false | [
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zg6kib | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/pillcosby1234 in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warning: >!emotional manipulation!<
---
&nbsp;
[**Cheating ex [28F] texted me [29M] 6 months after breakup. What should I do?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sesgve/cheating_ex_28f_texted_me_29m_6_months_after/) - 28 January 2022
Last year I discovered that my then GF of 1 year was using tinder, and has cheated on me. We lived together atm.
Here is how the breakup happened:
I confronted her in person - she kept lying to my face, until I just threw apartment keys at her and walked away. She then texted me with angry messages, calling me names and denying it. Later she acknowledged the cheating, but said that that guy meant nothing to her, and I am the jerk for fucking up the relationship. Later she came up with half-ass half-apology for lying, said that "she is in the wrong", but still tried to gaslight me that I overreacted and got the whole thing completely wrong.
During these interactions I tried to act cold, tried not to show emotions, did not raise my voice, did not call her names, etc. But deep down I was exploding. And all these time I felt that all these words were left unsaid: she cheated on me and tried to guilt-trip me in a very ugly fashion. And I really feel like I haven't stood up for myself.
Now she's texting me. I haven't even opened the message, only saw it on preview. She's trying to look friendly. Added smileys and stuff
I really want to tell her a lot of bad words to her. All that shit - that have been boiling inside of me all this time. I wrote it out in a text file, and... It is a bunch of spiteful sentences, and it looks pathetic as I re-read it, since someone would put so much energy into that text.
I know it's coming from the bad place, but I feel like I was hurt really bad - and I bottled up my response. And now is my chance to lash it all out on her. If I won't do it - I feel like it'll keep on boiling inside of me. Is it even worth it to be the bigger man in this case
I am very confused now. I'd love to hear some thoughts about what should I do.
**Update:**
Wow, thanks for all the support and advices! I really needed someone with a cold mind to give me an outside opinion. It means a lot to me, even though you are the strangers from the internet.
I did not open the message from ex, and an hour later she texted me again. She tried to blame me again, lol. It goes something like this: "I must have been too naive to think that we are not enemies, and that you would respond. Don't bother blocking me here. I'll never text you again".
Some context: I blocked her everywhere soon after breakup. She reached me via this older messenger, which older people use in my country (I use it only to stay in touch with parents, and my landlord).
I am not opening that message. And I really don't want to see or talk to her. Your comments really helped me to look at it from different angle, and I am happy that I did not replied to her and went to reddit instead, lol. It feels good now, like I've had some kind of closure. Hope it will last. Anyway - I'll be fine :)
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,412 | "2022-12-08T18:12:31" | Cheating ex [28F] texted me [29M] 6 months after breakup. What should I do? | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zg6kib/cheating_ex_28f_texted_me_29m_6_months_after/ | false | false | [
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zga9lg | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-08T20:19:20" | Potholes in Bangalore are making my wife sexually insecure and ruining my marriage | ONGOING | Hybridsniffer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zga9lg/potholes_in_bangalore_are_making_my_wife_sexually/ | false | false | [
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zgc08r | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwradillon3 in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**I found out my (31M) exwife (27F) cheated on me while she was pregnant. Now she says im emotionally manipulative because I’m “cold and distant” during custody switches.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nlt9ra/i_found_out_my_31m_exwife_27f_cheated_on_me_while/) - 26 May 2021
I (31M) found out my now exwife (27F) had been cheating on me last year, when she was 6 months pregnant. The affairs happened before and during the pregnancy, she had reasons and excuses and didn’t want to get a divorce, she wanted to stay together and do couples therapy, I told her to go ahead and get therapy but cheating was a dealbreaker for me so we got a divorce.
The house was mine before we got married so she moved back in with her parents, who had enough room to set up a nursery and give my ex the guest room. We agreed to an even 50/50 split of custody, my wife has our daughter Sunday-Wednesday, and the original plan was for her to drop her off at daycare on Wednesday morning, and my nanny picked her up around noon and brought her back to my house, where my daughter would stay with me until Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on what worked best for everyone.
Then my ex said she thought the daycare was misplacing some things she was sending in for her to bring to my house, because a few times our daughter came home short some bottles or without her binkie. So Ex said she wanted to drop our daughter off at our house directly to make sure all of her things get to me. So she started picking her up from daycare on her breaks, and dropping her off here.
I work from home Wednesdays and Fridays. Even so, I’m working. When Ex began dropping off Nadine at my house, it was normally about 12:30. My daughter’s nanny (nice old lady from Barbados, not sure of her age but I’d say late 50s-60s) was the one to answer the door for my ex and take my daughter and her things, since I was in my office working.
Ex began saying she wanted to speak to me directly when she dropped off. She said she felt like “she was unloading a lot on the nanny and didn’t want her to forget to tell me anything”.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some resentment and anger towards my ex. I don’t want my daughter to see that though, so when I talk to my ex I try to be as emotionally even as possible, just talk about the things that pertain to my daughter and no more.
At today’s drop off, Nadine had a dirty diaper so her nanny took her upstairs to change her. My ex asked me how I was doing and I told her I was fine, thank you, and then began to walk back to my office (she sees herself out, she used to live there). As I was walking away she says “you know, I’m getting really sick of your shit!” I didn’t even get a chance to ask her what shit she was talking about when she just started freaking out, saying I was “emotionally manipulating” her by being cold and distant, that she shouldn’t be punished forever for her mistakes and how me hating her is the same as me hating my daughter.
I let her finish yelling and then told her to leave. I think my best bet is to go no contact with her again, and not see her for drop offs anymore. But I was looking for some other perspectives or opinions on the matter if you might have them.
Edit: I got a paternity test once I found out she cheated, my daughter is mine.
&nbsp;
[**Update: I found out my (31M) exwife (27F) cheated on me while she was pregnant. Now she says im emotionally manipulative because I’m “cold and distant” during custody switches.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/npg7wv/update_i_found_out_my_31m_exwife_27f_cheated_on/) - 1 June 2021
First of all, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment their support, sympathies, and advice. I didn’t get a chance to respond to all the comments but I read and appreciate them all.
There were so many great suggestions. Someone suggested a website called “Talking Parents” which I believe is going to be a great resource for my exwife and I.
The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that in five or ten years, the negative and betrayed feelings I have for my exwife will most likely fade, but a hostile relationship between the two of us will impact our daughter forever. Because of this, I sat down with my exwife and had a (recorded) conversation about our situation.
I was very open and honest with her. I told her that I still had negative feelings towards her as my exwife, but as the mother of my child I would always treat her civilly and respectfully, but we had to have boundaries.
I told her that we are going back to the original plan where she drops her off at the daycare Wednesday mornings and my nanny picks her up in the afternoon. We’re going to communicate through the website which items should be sent home with her, so the nanny can double check to make sure she has everything.
My exwife isn’t happy, i think she was coming to my house in hopes of reconciliation, but I told her respectfully , but in no uncertain terms, that it was never going to happen, but I would love to evolve our relationship as awesome coparents to an amazing little girl, and maybe one day, friends.
Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. This community has been a wonderful resource for me, I hope you all have a wonderful night.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 12,467 | "2022-12-08T21:19:23" | I found out my (31M) exwife (27F) cheated on me while she was pregnant. Now she says I’m emotionally manipulative because I’m “cold and distant” during custody switches. | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgc08r/i_found_out_my_31m_exwife_27f_cheated_on_me_while/ | false | false | [
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zgcl9y | **I am not OP**. This was originally posted by [u/Ok-Extension238](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ok-Extension238/) in r/AmItheAsshole on 8 Aug 2022. New updates were posted in r/TrueOffMyChest starting 27 Nov 2022.
[Original BORU update for AITA posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x27tr6/op_refused_to_visit_his_boyfriends_mother_in_the/) submitted by [u/KittenDealinMama](https://www.reddit.com/user/KittenDealinMama/) 31 Aug 2022. Text for both posts are included in this post. Cleaned up a few typos for clarity. First post to BORU, lmk if anything needs fixing!
**trigger warnings:** >!homophobia!<
**mood spoilers:** >!happy/hopeful for OOP!<
[AITA for telling my bf i rather be alone and suffer in my apartment then go with him to visit his mom ?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wj88li/aita_for_telling_my_bf_i_rather_be_alone_and/)
So i (23 m) hate my bfs (24m) family with a passion. I cant stand them, they are the most condescending, judgmental Ahs i have ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It all started when i first met them. They talked about my looks and how i could improve it by losing weight, cutting my hair and stop eating like a pig. Im 188cm tall and 80 kg. i go to the gym a lot and i would consider my self fit. They have shit on my job because they think im not good enough to be a doctor and i work too much. His mother is the one that says all of this and the rest agree with her.
It has gotten to the point where im dreading every birthday, Christmas or any other celebration because i have to see them again. My bf have told them to stop but they always say that im too sensitive and need to relax. last time a meet them they told my bf that he should dump me and find a man thats better for him. i was sitting next to him when it happened.
So his mom got into an accident and had to go to the hospital im working at and my boyfriend told me to help her and make sure she gets the best care. I told my coworkers and they assured me that i cant be on her case and that i wouldnt need to be near her at all. My bf and his family begged me that i should visit her and make sure she is okay on my break and i refused. I said I'd rather be be alone in my apartment and suffer than to visit his mom with him or with out him. I cant fkn stand that woman.
He and his family has been messaging me nonstop telling me am a bad doctor for not wanting to help a patient. But the thing is she's not my patient so AITA?
Edit: In Sweden it’s 5 years of med school, then you become an intern I think it’s called in the us. After you are done with that you can specialize in whatever field you like. I’m working in a surgical hospital. And I started my studies half a year before I turned 17.
Verdict: NTA.
[UPDATE: AITA for telling my boyfriend that I rather be alone and suffer in my apartment then go with him to visit his mom?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x273nj/update_aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_that_i/)
So I thought I would give u guys an update but before that Ty all for the kind words and support !!
His mom was fine, she was not in any danger at all. My colleagues told me how much shit she talked about me and how much better he could do than some wannabe doctor.
I was fuming, she and her family had been begging me to visit her and she was still talking shit about me. So I went to her room demanding to know what her problem was. Well she didn’t like me because I’m in her words “too masculine” to be with her son and he needs to find someone that’s not lol.
I told my bf and he was “mad” at first but kinda agreed with her and told me it wouldn’t hurt me to try being less masc. All I said was that if he’s trying to make me change who I am then there is no reason to be with me anymore. He told me that that’s not what he wanted and that he loves me. So I told him like so many of you did that if he wants me then he needs to go lc with her and I’m going to go full Nc.
He told me that it’s not fair and I was being unreasonable. I had made my choice tho and in the end we broke up.
Tbh I’m not even heartbroken. I have my job, good friends and a family that loves me. I have gotten texts from him telling me he misses me but I have just ignored them.
In the end I’m happy I think and it’s for the better.
Edit: I just wanna say Once again Ty, tbh it’s good to hear from strangers that I’m not overreacting, not a coward that’s running away when things get hard. I really loved him but the dude has BIG mommy issues!! and bc of his mom I realized that I can’t deal with a guy that can’t put me first, im already working my ass off and I can’t be bothered to feel like shit after work.
[I broke up with my ex 3 months ago because of his mother. He is now willing to go no contact with her now and wants me back](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z6hbn3/i_broke_up_with_my_ex_3_months_ago_because_of_his/) \- posted in r/TrueOffMyChest 27 Nov 2022.
This dudes family has treated me like shit. I was never good enough. I was in their eyes “a wannabe doctor“ that shouldn’t be one and they felt sorry for my patients. They wanted me to be less masculine because they wanted my ex to be “the man “.
I told him that if he wanted me in his life I he needed to go lc with her and accept that I would go full Nc with her. He didn’t want that and we broke up.
He showed up at the hospital I work at, waited for me to get off my shift (when we were together he got my schedule so we could see each other) and wanted to talk. He told me he missed me and that his mother “realized” that it would be good to have a doctor in the family and that my bf was an idiot to break up with me.
He told me that he was done with her shit and that we should be together again. Honestly I was to tired. I worked a 15 hour shift and was planning a nice date with my bed.
I didn’t think I missed him because of the shit he put me thru but idk. I don’t want it to go back to how it was and I have had hate in my heart for him since we broke up.
Idk where I’m going with this tbh, I was going to sleep but this has been on my mind since I got home. Just had to get it of.
Edit: I am a man
[Update: I broke up with my ex 3 months ago because of his mother. He is now tilling to go no contact with her and wants me back](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/z9u0id/update_i_broke_up_with_my_ex_3_months_ago_because/) \- posted in r/TrueOffMyChest 1 Dec 2022.
Edit: can’t change the title so ye that’s fun. So before my actual update I want to clarify something’s.
His mother is a nightmare to be near. She has talked shit about me in front of me, Made fun of my appearance, telling me to stop eating like a pig and that no one wants a pig in the family. Has told my ex that he could find someone better then some wannabe doctor and stuff like that. I will never ever let someone talk to me like that and that’s why I wanted him to be Lc and me Nc.
So here is the actual update. I talked to him yesterday, I asked him if I was really willing to go Nc with her and he changed the subject time and time again. I told him why he told me what is mother said about me being the doctor in the family and he couldn’t answer that either. I told him to leave and that we would continue that conversation tomorrow (today).
I saw him after work today. I got off at 1 and saw him at 3. I told him if he couldn’t answer any of my questions honestly then it wasn’t even worth trying. So he told me what I believe was half of the truth.
He said that he regretted everything but his mother was right (should have ended it there). I can’t be the one that act as the ”man” between us and it undermines him. He told me that he can’t go full Nc with her because that’s his mother, he told me that I was childish for breaking up with him over some comments she made and told me that it won’t happen again and that he won’t let it happen. I asked him why he came back only after his mother told him that it would be good to have a doctor in the family even tho she didn’t think I was a good one? He only said it’s true and it’s good to have one.
At that point I was fed up, im tired, I work long hours and coming back to that headache was not worth it. I told him that I am a MAN and that he is one to. Told him that’s not how a relationship works between two men and that he will always be a mommas boy. I will not tolerate being talked down to or feel belittled over their internalized homophobia. I told him that any man/woman that he might date or wants to date him can go through with that problem but it won’t be me.
He begged and told me that it would make him happy if we tried and that his mother could change. No just no, I want to be with someone that loves me for me and won’t let their mothers hate make me feel like a failure and a bad person, I won’t. I’m not dating their mother.
I told him to not bother contacting me again and that I’m officially done with him now and forever!
Thank you to all of you! You guys gave good advice and made things clearer and I hope all of you achieve great things in life !!
**(Wishing Dr. OOP the best moving forward <3)** | 9,229 | "2022-12-08T21:39:28" | AITA for telling my bf I'd rather be alone and suffer in my apartment then go with him to visit his mom? + NEW UPDATES | NEW UPDATE | Vampiyaa | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgcl9y/aita_for_telling_my_bf_id_rather_be_alone_and/ | false | false | [
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zgdmyj | #Reddit Recap Is Back for 2022
https://i.redd.it/py2o8ekm1r4a1.png
[Redditors](https://www.redditinc.com/blog/reddit-recap-2022-product) can click on the Narwhal icon under their profile in the app or the navigation bar on desktop to see their unique and personalized experience highlighting their 2022 Reddit journey. Recap walks through a series of shareable cards that include fun stats such as:
* Your most upvoted comment
* Time spent on your top 3 subreddits
BoRU was the [10th most viewed](https://www.redditinc.com/blog/reddit-recap-2022-AU) community in Australia and was often in the top 15 most active subreddits during the year despite having less than 1m subscribers.
&nbsp;
**How much time did you spend in BoRU or other subs in 2022?**
&nbsp;
---
&nbsp;
* **Best Updates of 2022 Nominations** are coming up! Here's a [recap of some of the best updates](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ya1dxp/monthly_meta_discussion_nov_2022/ivl8i76/) from the first half of 2022.
* [**META Brigading Thread Click Here - Please Read to Avoid Being Banned**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/z6fk6u/meta_brigading_please_read_to_avoid_being_banned/) | 839 | "2022-12-08T22:16:08" | Reddit Recap - How many hours did you spend on BoRU this year?? | META | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgdmyj/reddit_recap_how_many_hours_did_you_spend_on_boru/ | false | false | [
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zgghha | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-08T23:57:02" | AITA for calling every morning? | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgghha/aita_for_calling_every_morning/ | false | false | [
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zggntd | Original and updates in the same post. I’m also including a relevant comments at the end that were made at an unknown point between the original posting and the edits. OOP is u/Sad_Abbreviations216.
———
[**AITA for calling every morning?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7xtan/aita_for_calling_every_morning/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) posted 11/29/2022
My son is a 20 month old toddler, my wife is a stay-at-home mom, I work six days a week and I'm usually gone for twelve hours a day.
I always check in on my son remotely via our nursery cam app and he's always awake in the mornings around 8:00. He has a great sleep routine. Our "wind down" time starts at the same time every evening, we clean up toys, read a book, when I lay him down he's still awake, he falls asleep on his own and sleeps all night for at least twelve hours.
It's usually after 9:00 before I have a chance to check the camera, this morning when I checked it was 9:12 and some mornings are closer to 10:00. Every time I look though, he's awake in the dark and standing in his crib just waiting. When I see this, I immediately turn on the brightest night light the camera has and speak to him through the camera app. I always tell him good morning and I love him and he usually laughs and says "Dada". Then I leave the app and call my wife to wake her up.
I usually have to call three to four times and when she finally answers, it's obvious that she just woke up and only because I called. I tell her that our son is awake waiting for her and that she needs to get up to start their day.
This morning while on the phone, I asked her if she was going to get him after using the bathroom and she said no, she was going to the kitchen to prepare their breakfast and THEN she'd get him. I asked her to get him after the bathroom so he could go to the kitchen with her and she flipped out. She told me it pisses her off that I call EVERY morning to tell her how to be a mom and that she has a routine. I retorted with "well, your routine sucks because he's been awake for an hour and you'd still be asleep if I hadn't called".
I just bothers me that he has to wait so long. He needs a diaper change, he's probably thirsty, hungry and just wants to play.
Am I wrong though? Do I need to stop? Please be completely honest with your answers. Thanks!
**EDIT 1**
I was banned from commenting within the first hour because I violated a rule in a comment and that's why I wasn't responding to anyone. I'm a fairly new Reddit user in terms of posting - I normally read a lot and that's all - and because of this, I had no clue that a temporary comment ban didn't affect my ability to edit the post. I would have edited the post much sooner had I known I was able to regardless of the comment ban.
There are so many things that need to be addressed about this post and the most important one is about my wife. I love her more than anyone on Reddit thinks I do. She is an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. I absolutely DO NOT think she is an incompetent parent nor do I think she neglects my son. None of the information I provided was ever supposed to convey that negative message about her.
My whole issue was: "he's awake, he's been awake, why are you still asleep?" - that's all, and she agreed she stays up too late plus has alarms set now.
I showed my wife how this post EXPLODED and she COULD NOT believe the kind of attention it got. She is very much in love with me and does not agree that I am controlling nor does she believe that I am micromanaging her daily life.
Also, because so many people believe that I intentionally left out the medical issues she has, I'll list them here:
- postpartum depression
- low vitamin B-12
- chronic fatigue
Now, let me explain why I didn't list them originally.
Her low vitamin B-12 is not a deficiency, her level is just lower than what is considered "best" for her age; this is according to recent bloodwork that I recommended. The results state that any number between 100 pg/mL and 914 pg/mL is "within normal range", and her level is 253 pg/mL. The doctor suggested sublingual B-12 1000mcg daily to raise the level a little, but stated that apart from that, she could not find a reason for the chronic fatigue. Because of these results, and especially after purchasing the supplements, in my mind, the B-12 is not a problem. Also, the bloodwork confirmed that everything else was normal.
The postpartum depression is actively being monitored and treated by a professional. My wife literally goes to a psychiatrist, or psychologist (I can't remember their exact title) multiple times a year and we pay for medication every 30 days. She initially tried depression medication, followed the regimen religiously and not much changed for her. This was addressed in a following appointment and a new medication was prescribed. Her current medication is normally used to treat ADHD or narcolepsy and the doctor believed it would alleviate some of her tiredness and release more dopamine thus providing more energy in her daily life. This does seem to be true and she seems to be happy with the medicine.
The chronic fatigue is a result of her own poor scheduling and personal health. She has agreed that she spends too much time sitting and using the phone. She naps when our son naps and has trouble falling asleep at a normal bedtime hour due to this daytime sleep. We always go to bed together and he's told me multiple times that she moved to the living room after I fell asleep because she couldn't sleep and was bored just lying there. Then, midnight or later comes, she's finally drowsy and decides to sleep. However, the overstimulation from social media and phone usage makes it difficult for her brain to reach REM sleep normally. So she falls asleep at 12:00, our son wakes up at 8:00, eight hours have passed and she still feels tired and not at all rested.
I do know and have known about her condition. We have agreed to disagree about the cause of her sleeping problems. In her mind she has chronic fatigue because of insomnia and it's a vicious cycle. In my mind she stays up too late on the phone and doesn't get the sleep her body needs.
Whether the internet thinks she is a bad mother, negligent, lazy or abusive is not important. I know and love the woman I married, I do feel comfortable leaving her with our kid and she does an amazing job with him. In a few comments I stated that she was lazy and didn't do much at home. I won't deny those statements, but in the moment I was still aggravated because the argument over the phone had just recently ended. I don't truly think she's lazy because I've seen what she can do; I just think she's unmotivated due to a lack of sleep and the same four walls every day.
Finally, I am not spying on her or my son. We only have two cameras in this house and both are in our son's room. One camera provides a wide-angle view of the entire room and the other is positioned directly above his crib. The cameras serve no purpose during the day because I'd barely be able to hear background noise from another room even if I did try to listen in.
***[Compilers note: these last two paragraphs of this edit are what I considered the conclusion***] My wife is an amazing woman and an amazing mother. My son is just so happy all the time, he's super smart, full of energy and extremely healthy. I will not be hiring a nanny or using a daycare. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what my wife does during the day, I just wish she'd start her day earlier for my little man.
I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on this post and messaged me. My wife and I had a long, in-depth conversation last night after all of the attention this post received and I've shown her everything. There were tears, much more laughs and a lot of things to think about.
I think the most important thing we learned is that so many people are quick to judge and that in itself is a very big problem.
**EDIT 2**
I need to make it clear that my wife does not have narcolepsy. She is not taking medicine for narcolepsy. I said that the medicine she takes now is USUALLY used to treat narcolepsy or ADHD. She also does not have ADHD.
The second thing we learned is that people love to add details and change the story.
***Verdict: YTA***
**Comments from OOP**
*1*
We went to bed together at 8:39 last night. How much sleep does she need and how long should he be forced to wait in the dark without food or toys?
*2*
Thank you. That's all it is. I'm not controlling, she prefers to stay at home, she has her own vehicle and she can leave whenever she wants. All I care about is his development and it bothers me that the first quarter of his time awake before his nap is spent in the dark, alone and bored.
*3*
That's how I feel. Others are saying that I'm controlling and she lives like a prisoner but he is the priority in my mind. It's our fault he's here; it is what it is.
*4*
I'm not spying on him. I just miss him. When I see him wide awake, beaming with energy but stuck in the dark, it bothers me and I feel like it's my duty as his father to help. Am I really wrong for this?
*5*
Is it so hard to bring a toddler to the kitchen to play with magnets on a refrigerator while you prepare a small meal? Do you really think it's right for a toddler to wake up and be forced to wait in the dark for two hours before their caregiver arrives to provide the attention and love they so desperately need in the early years?
*6*
I know he sleeps through the night and if he didn't for some reason I would have woken up as well and known about it. Also, I never expect her to spend every second of the day with him, I don't even do that when I'm home, but why can't she get up at a decent hour? Shouldn't a mother adjust her schedule to fit the child?
*7*
A sleep study confirmed that she doesn't have sleep apnea, depression medicine didn't work so now she's taking medicine that usually treats narcolepsy/ADHD, she had blood tests done not too long ago and according to the doctor "everything is fine" and they "didn't find a cause" for her "chronic fatigue" except for a lower than average B12 level.
I bought B12 supplements as per the doctor's request but she "forgets" to take them and when she's awake she sits on the couch browsing social media almost all day long.
*8*
Do you honestly believe that it's acceptable to go to bed at 9:00 and sleep until 12:00 even though you have a toddler at home that wakes up at 8:00? I shouldn't have to be there nor should I have to spend money on someone to care for my child when his mother is perfectly capable.
*9*
I swear she doesn't do much of anything around the house other than sit on the couch looking at TikTok or Facebook - but this isn't a post about a lazy wife, it's about a post about a father who wishes his child's mother could provide a better structure for the child. Her schedule needs work and she cannot continue to just sleep in until SHE is ready to get up. Also, he does cry when he's waited long enough and that's what wakes her on the days that I'm just too busy at work.
*10*
I am not spying on her. We literally do not talk at all during the day until I'm back home except for this one time in the mornings.
*11*
There is no routine though. That's my issue. If it weren't for me, he'd be fed and allowed playtime at very different times every day. I agree with the benefits of alone time but isn't it a bit much to keep him waiting for more than an hour and some times more than two hours?
*12*
That's my whole point. Everyone is saying "the child is safe" or "he wasn't crying", and they are absolutely correct. However, when I'm home I jump out of bed and go in there singing my "good morning song" when I hear that he's awake. I don't think I'm fostering anything negative in the development of his personality.
I genuinely cannot wait to see him smile at me, I cannot wait to hear him say my name, I cannot wait to watch him throw his hands up and tell me "up, up". I love bonding with him, I love interacting with him and I love letting him follow me around the house while I do adult things.
He's my little sidekick.
*13*
Yes, the decision for a child was mutual.
She doesn't do anything but feed him, lay him down at nap time, wash dishes and browse social media on the couch.
This post was never about a "lazy wife" but about a father who wants a more consistent structure to be provided to his child.
We agreed that she'd be a stay-at-home mom, she wants this and I make a good living.
*14*
When I'm home, my son and I don't exist.
I'm up at 5:00 every morning for work and up by 7:00 on the mornings that I'm home.
And he does eventually cry. When I don't call, his crying is what eventually wake her up.
*15*
She wanted the cameras.
———
***Compiler’s note:*** While I do agree, the baby just waiting that long to be changed and fed is an issue, the way that OP originally handled it was atrociously micromanaging. Yes, his wife does have a diagnosed medical condition, but if she can’t handle the mornings due to the medication not working, they need a part time nanny or something. | 3,116 | "2022-12-09T00:03:10" | AITA For calling every morning? | CONCLUDED | BORU_Lover | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zggntd/aita_for_calling_every_morning/ | false | false | [
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zggphs | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T00:04:54" | OOP’s sister married her abuser. Now her sister’s passed away and their mother wants OOP to take in her 3 children | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zggphs/oops_sister_married_her_abuser_now_her_sisters/ | false | false | [
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zgj25i | Disclaimer - I am not the OP
OOP - u/maethoraewen
Originally posted in r/findfashion on December 2, 2022
Updated on the same day in the comments
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/findfashion/comments/z9z7vs/help_me_find_my_best_friends_moms_wedding_dress/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
[OOP’s comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/findfashion/comments/z9z7vs/help_me_find_my_best_friends_moms_wedding_dress/iyjcbox/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
“This is my best friend in her Mom’s wedding dress. I took these photos of her in 2015. That same year, her mom passed away. Sometime after, her dad remarried and the new wife stole the dress! She sold it while my best friend was in college. Now she’s is engaged and I would love to try to track down this design. I know the chances of getting back the original are next to none. But if someone recognizes the design, that would be so helpful for our search. Any help is appreciated!!”
[Image of the dress](https://i.redd.it/6fqf3eqimc3a1.jpg)
[Helpful comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/findfashion/comments/z9z7vs/help_me_find_my_best_friends_moms_wedding_dress/iyjei2b/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
I found one that sold on Etsy but they don’t give any maker info, not sure if they would still have that info but you could try messaging them. https://www.etsy.com/listing/716617027/vintage-1970s-bohemian-lace-wedding?show_sold_out_detail=1&ref=nla_listing_details
[OOP’s reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/findfashion/comments/z9z7vs/help_me_find_my_best_friends_moms_wedding_dress/iyl1lbe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
UPDATE:
Wow, I have the most incredible update. Thanks to you I reached out to the seller. Turns out it never actually sold and she still had it. I bought it! AND ITS THE EXACT WEDDING DRESS SHE WORE! The seller acquired the dress in the same area that it was stolen from, in the right timeframe. It even has a small mark on the back that I confirmed with my own photos. I am SHOOK and can’t believe it! Thanks so much for the help, I’m going to surprise my friend with the dress for Christmas :,) | 9,083 | "2022-12-09T01:36:51" | OOP - Help me find best-friend’s mom’s wedding dress | ONGOING | Feeya_b | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgj25i/oop_help_me_find_bestfriends_moms_wedding_dress/ | false | false | [
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zgo7v4 | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/lucaslancom](https://www.reddit.com/user/lucaslancom/). He posted in r/AITA. I fixed a few spelling errors for readability.
For those of you on mobile who don't want spoilers, here's your daily dolphin fact: dolphins have two stomachs, one for food storage and one for digestion.
**Trigger Warning:** >!Homophobia!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!OOP puts his daughter first!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xczn6q/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_will_respect_our/)**: September 13, 2022**
So I have a 16-year-old daughter Harley. My wife is extremely extremely religious and is very against anything other than what is written in the Bible.
I'm still religious but once Harley arrived, It got me thinking that what if my daughter does something that doesn’t fit into my beliefs?
My wife however is the exact opposite of me. Now the conflict, about a year ago my daughter said that she likes girls. She told me first and then we sat my wife down and told her the news.
She was not happy with it. My wife didn’t say anything to her and just looked disappointed.
I was upset at this, as long as her partners aren’t hurting her in any way, it’s not our place to shame her for that.
I told my wife that she cannot try to tear our daughter down because she doesn’t agree, and she is going to have to make a sacrifice for the sake of our daughter and her well-being and to please make her feel supported
Turns out my wife was going to my daughter, and showing her all of these different dating apps of only men, trying to set her up with guys, “recommended” her to date one of her friends sons, and forced her to go out with him. She ended up telling my daughter that she was not normal from this and she needs to go to confession, because this is a phase.
This went on for months and I had no idea, she would stop when I was around. My daughter ended up breaking down when I asked her what was going on and told me everything.
To say I was angry would be an understatement, I am furious at my wife. Honestly what she did was so outdated and cruel, to the point that I was not sleeping with her and I was sleeping in the guest bedroom for a while, I couldn’t even look at her. We went to marriage counseling after this, and my wife hasn’t changed much, she still lets these comments slip, but bites her tongue more I guess.
My daughter got a girlfriend, and she wanted me to meet her. She sat down with both of us and said that she only wanted me to go, and that she didn’t trust my wife enough to not make a comment at this.
As I was getting ready my wife was mad about this, saying that she couldn’t believe she could exclude her from this.
I said she shouldn’t be, she’s made our daughter feel this way, and the only way to fix it is to get over her ridiculous homophobia. I told her that she’s letting her religion get in the way of the love for her daughter and in a few more years she’ll be asking why she doesn’t talk to her anymore. I said until she can show our daughter how much we love and support her, she won’t interfere with this, this is a step forward for our daughter, and she doesn’t get to stomp on that.
My wife started crying and stopped speaking to me. She told our therapist this and he thinks I was wrong because this is what she grew up on, but I think that’s just an excuse for homophobia. My family is also saying I’m an asshole so am I?
***Relevant Comments:***
"We already see that I don’t feel like I’m the asshole, however to make it fair I’ll tell you what my wife says.
So to my respond to that my wife was saying that she felt like I wasn’t understanding to her religous beliefs and that this is hard news for her to accept but she’s still trying here.
She says that she has always believed in god so I can’t just expect her to breech all of her beliefs with this and expect her not to try to “fix it”
I’m gonna be honest I am not sympathetic to this at all ESPECIALLY because it’s been a YEAR, and this is honestly just heartbreaking to watch a parent not be accepting to their KID, but that’s no secret, but I guess asshole on here always seem to actually be assholes when they think that they’re not assholes. So I’m just seeing if I really am wrong here."
*About divorce:*
"I came close to divorce a few times, after I found this out I was ready to hand her the papers. However before I did, I did talk to my daughter first.
This affects her to, more than me before anyone questions why I did it. When my parents divorced I wanted them to talk to me to so I did the same.
We talked for a while, my daughter wasn’t fond of the idea of divorce, reasoning being that if we did, she would be with me and not her mom, and she feels like us being together gives some hope that her mom will change her decision but if we aren’t she fears that she won’t change and she won’t get a relationship with her and if we divorce.
This was about two months ago, so I stopped what I was doing. I said that we could try therapy as a family, and marital counseling, we talked to my wife about it and she said okay.
However I guess I can’t really say that anymore because there hasn’t been much of a change like we hoped, I think my daughter is just accepting that her mom isn’t willing to change.
Going to therapy was a bad choice and I should’ve just divorced, but I hoped I was doing right and salvaging any amount of relationship they had.
I wanted the same as my daughter, but I guess this wasn’t the way to go about it, or the adult thing to do, i realize that and now I guess I just figure out the first step, and go from there."
*OOP is resoundingly NTA*
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zall45/update_aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_will_respect/)**: December 2, 2022**
I’ll jump right into it
* I talked to harleys mom, I said that 1- she needs to go to therapy with someone who doesn’t choose someone’s side, and someone who helps her see other POV, but I am not willing to do that with her and that’s something she needs to do on her own. 2- if she continues this you ruin any chance with her, and as a mom she made a decision to protect her, not be the reason she needs protection. 3- I hope that 1 and 2 sunk in, because I’m not going to be here to pick up the pieces for her shitty behavior, and now more than ever is the time to redeem herself if she even can, because we are absolutely getting a divorce. the most I can say is it was not taken well
* I talked to Harley, I explained that we are getting a divorce, none of this is on her and it never was. But she needs the choice to not deal with this anymore, and I want her to do the little things and feel free to bring around anyone she wants and not be worried of her parents reaction. I said this doesn’t mean their relationship is over, I’ll still be right here with her to try to redeem any relationship with her mom if she wants me to. I know it’s a big change, but it’s no one else’s job but her mothers to fix her issues., I said again this wasn’t her fault, but it also isn’t her responsibility, and it was my fault to go on with this. She was sad at first but came to terms with this.
* **many said to make it clear that this was not her fault and I tried my best to make sure she understood this** I stayed in a hotel for a while and Harley had some fun with my brother, I got a little house quick, and quickly started moving everything I could. Harley got to decorate her new room, I got her in therapy to. Her mom is still swearing that Harley is going to hell, Harley needs confession, she’s insulted and cursed Harley in person, then tried so act like a sweet caring mother in text and voicemail. she tried saying I’m the abusive one, she’s said that I was forcing her to like girls. She’s said *i* was now going to hell, a shit father and husband, threatened to take Harley away permanently and much more that I don’t think can be on here. I think she took this as a challenge. As I said before I gave Harley the choice to stay with me or 50/50 etc. with her age, there’s a good chance she get to choose, especially given the circumstances. I think she forgot what it was like to not walk on eggshells. After a week she said that she thinks she wants to stay with me, and just visit her mom with no sleepovers.
I’ve seen a lot more of her girlfriend around the house, and it’s clear Harley’s much more comfortable in her own skin & sexuality Things are still hectic, but are looking up. Overall. I’ve taken most advice, We have divorced, moved out, gone to therapy, and just commonly reminding that this isn’t her fault nor responsibility.
***Relevant Comments:***
"I didn’t have enough room in there to say it but we do have proof of all of the cussing out Harley, slut shaming, homophobia. Harley has some recordings of it, I have recordings of that and some of our conversations to, that didn’t go so well.
Also, found out what those “dating apps” were, yea no these were legal adults, like grow ass men, which she had admitted to. That I was recording thank goodness.
We have a pretty good batch of documents and proof but I’m still constantly taking note of everything and all conversations with her."
*About Custody:*
"As of right now she’s with me. However, with all the videos and evidence of what she’s done, regardless of her age, or her opinion on her to be with, there is such a small chance she can be granted custody at all. She’s have to prove that for some reason Harley *shouldn't* be in my custody, and even when asked she can’t say anything but I forced Harley to be gay.
We have a really good chance at this, but let’s just hope this goes alright."
*Someone expresses skepticism about getting a divorce & house that quickly and OOP clarifies:*
"Never said everything was finalized, there’s a long court battle ahead waiting for me, as for the house, you can get a house as soon a few weeks or one month, so yeah I had to move quick, did you expect me to stay in a hotel for the next few months? Can’t stay with my brother, my crazy family is cut off, i can’t go into my ex’s house, some people may or may not need to come to the house throughout this, I have to show stability. My daughter needs a home and her own room, What else did you expect me to do?"
*One more:*
"I got her therapy too. Overall I’ve taken most advice, we are getting a divorce, moved out, gone to therapy"
**OOP, I wish you and your daughter all the best.** | 5,513 | "2022-12-09T05:40:01" | AITA for telling my wife she will respect our daughter not wanting her to meet her girlfriend because she made it this way ? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgo7v4/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_will_respect_our/ | false | false | [
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zgo8ad | **I am not OOP. OOP has since deleted their account, but they were originally** [u/Fabulous-Shock-7012](https://www.reddit.com/u/Fabulous-Shock-7012/). They posted in [r/AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA/).
Your daily dolphin fun fact for those of you on mobile who don't want to see the spoilers: Dolphins can hold their breath for 8-10 minutes at a time. Some species can hold their breath for 15 minutes! (Their lung composition is different. DM me if you want the link to the article haha)
**Trigger Warning:** >!Cancer, talk of possible death!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Hopeful!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z99yoh/aita_for_not_giving_anyone_my_earrings_in_my_will/)**: November 30, 2022**
Context: When I was young I was given a pair of handmade gold earrings from my grandmother. She died when I was 12. I still wear them to this day.
So I (30F) have cancer. It's one of the most survivable ones so I'm trying not to be too worried. To be on the safe side though, I decided I would update my will just in case something were to happen. I left the house to my husband (30M) and divided my money three ways to go to him, my daughter (5F), and my sister (29F).However, when my sister found my will she was livid. That was because I had said that if I were to die I would like to be buried with my earrings as they are very special to me. My sister said that she should get the earrings after I die to be close to me.
I don't want to give it to her though. It was given to me as a gift and holds sentimental value. I even got my ears pierced again so that I wouldn't have to swap out the earrings. I told her that it was mine and she wouldn't get it to which she ran to our mom.
My mom is telling me to give it to her while I'm still alive since my sister is already scared for me and doesn't need this stress. I don't want to but am wondering if I'm the ah if I told her no.
AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Someone asks how the sister found the will:*
"She came over to visit us and asked to go to the bathroom. Then she came out with the will crying. It was in my office, and I bet she went in."
*About the grandma:*
"My grandma wasn't really my grandma. She was actually a woman my mother knew so in a way she was my grandma. We both called her that. My sister never liked her, and didn't even give the woman a chance. On the other hand, I loved my grandma and was always excited when we visited."
"My sister didn't love my grandma at all. In fact, I was the only one who was excited to go to her house and play games. She would sit around and mope. Also, my grandma gave her a necklace which she didn't want because she thought it was too ugly"
*About the earrings:*
"Oh the earrings weren't my grandmother's. She had it handmade for me with the intent of gifting it to me. She gave me a second one but I accidentally broke it when I was 10 I think so she was having it re-done before she died. And thank you for your kind words!"
*Someone asks if the daughter is getting any jewelry:*
"I told my husband to give her a necklace given to me by a dear friend on her wedding day if I'm not there to personally give it to her. He cried so hard when I asked him that"
*A few (some very rude) people say that she'll be dead so what does it matter:*
"Like I've said before in other comments, this earring has been with me during the best times and my worse times. I love my daughter and am giving her many other jewelry. It's just really hard to part with this one thing. It may be materialistic but it helps me keep hope"
"She made them herself to give it to me. It was meant for me"
*Has OOP given sis anything in the past:*
"I gave her some money before the whole earring business. My husband has a very good job and more than enough money left from me so I expect they'll be very comfortable."
"I've always taken care of her. I helped her go through college by saving up money. I helped her buy an apartment. I just thought this would be a way for her to be safe even after I'm gone"
*OOP is voted NTA*
**First Update (Same Post)**
Edit to clear some stuff up:
1. The earrings are not heirlooms. They were a gift made solely for me.
2. My sister did not like my grandmother. She even refused a necklace our grandma got her because she thought it was too "ugly"
3. My daughter has many other earrings, necklaces, rings, and other jewelry I'm getting for her.
4. I'm thinking about finishing the other half-finished set and giving it to my daughter but it's really expensive so I'm not sure
5. I have thyroid cancer but luckily it was caught early and I am undergoing treatment so please don't worry!
**Second Update (Same Post)**
Edit #2:
1. My sister went snooping and found my will in my office. I was leaving her only 20,000 if I were to die
2. My daughter has way more money than my sister. She'll get 1.3 million dollars after my death. I made it so that she wouldn't get the money too young and live a normal life.
3. My husband has a very good job and makes 200,000 a year so I'm not worried he won't be able to manage.
4. I am seriously considering removing my sister completely after her bullshit.
5. I don't talk to my daughter much about my cancer because I don't want her to think of me as sick so we try to fill up her life with happy memories.
6. Again, my earrings are not heirlooms. They were made for me and me alone.
7. The house IS going to my daughter. If me and my husband were to die, she'll be inheriting the house as soon as she turns 21.
**Final Update (Same Post, December 2)**
Last edit:
I’m going through treatment and am almost done so yay! I took your advice and left 1 dollar to my sister and mother in my will. I still want to be buried with my earrings and my daughter even picked out a necklace she wanted when she is older (which she can change) thank you all for your comments and goodbye! P.S. I am now nc with my mom and sister
**OOP, I sincerely wish you the best. I hope the final treatments go well and that you have a wonderful, long happy life with your family AND with your beautiful earrings.** | 8,617 | "2022-12-09T05:40:35" | AITA for not giving anyone my earrings in my will? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgo8ad/aita_for_not_giving_anyone_my_earrings_in_my_will/ | false | false | [
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zgpzrc | **I am not the OOP. OOP is u/Wedding_throw1092 and their posts are from r/AmItheAsshole and r/weddingplanning. Comments included are there to shed more context on the situation.**
#POST #1: March '19 [AITA For Being Upset Over Not Being A Bridesmaid](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b0826v/comment/eicnjd2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Throwaway here because people know my regular account.
I’m getting married in June. I’m going to have my friend Jim as my dude of honor, and my friend Jane as my bridesmaid.
Jim and I have been friends since college, but my friendship with Jane is longer and a bit more complicated.
We started to be friends in high school where we were friends with two other girls (they’ll be important later). Typical teenager and 20 something drama happened, and I’m not close with the two other girls anymore. One straight up said she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, and I guess the other friend just followed her lead. I’ll admit that Jane and I used to be closer when we were younger, and we drifted apart but I still considered her a close friend.
When I got engaged I asked Jane to be my bridesmaid. When I asked she was kind of hesitant. She was engaged too and said we’d probably be planning weddings at the same time and she was worried she wouldn’t be able to devote a lot of time to my wedding. I told her it was going to be super laidback and she wouldn’t have to do much and that I wanted her there, so she agreed.
Planning the wedding has had its own ups and downs (lots of drama from family), but Jane has been a good enough bridesmaid. My friend Jim has been planning my bachelorette, and they both went to see me get my veil. I think she could stand to be a bit more involved, but considering distance and time she’s doing enough.
When Jane first got engaged, she wasn’t even sure if wanted to have a traditional wedding. She was talking about doing something really small and only inviting immediate family and close friends. It turns out that she actually is going to have a ceremony and reception in the fall.
I awkwardly found out over dinner after pushing her for wedding details that she was planning on having bridesmaids, and I wasn’t one of them. She claimed it was because I live far away (not really, we live on different cities on the east coast and are about a train ride away) and she didn’t want to bother me because I’d be busy with my wedding and marriage.
To make matters worse, the two girls I had a falling out with are of course in the wedding.
It hurts so much since I assumed we’d all be together during our weddings. I’m hurt. Jane and I went through a lot together and I really wanted her to be a part of my wedding. I’m hurt that she doesn’t feel the same way.
When I told my mom she was shocked and said how rude Jane was. My fiancé said it was okay to feel hurt and that it was a dick move, but that Jane also has a right to have whoever she wants in her wedding party.
Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should I confront her? I don’t even know if I want her in my wedding anymore.
#UPDATE #1 12 March '19 [(from AITA)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b0826v/aita_for_being_upset_over_not_being_a_bridesmaid/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
I wanted to update because things have blown up. This is going to be long.
TL;DR: Everyone was right about everything and I'm the asshole
I found out about not being in the wedding a little over a week ago so I had been stewing for awhile when I made my last post. I was a little dishonest in the first post because I was already in the process of "confronting" her when I wrote it. I texted her early the morning I posted and told her that I was disappointed by her lack of involvement in my wedding. She replied that she was sorry I felt hurt, but that she had warned me about this when I first asked her. She also mentioned that she wasn't sure what else I wanted from her. She has done everything I asked, and that it seemed like Jim has everything handled for the bachelorette and hasn't reached out to her.
Then I texted her about bridesmaids. She didn't text me back all day, so I called her that evening. The conversation really didn't go well. She said she didn't reply because she was busy at work and honestly didn't know what to say. She said that she chose the people closest to her. She has known the two friends I had a falling out with since childhood, and her other two are her college roommate and her other friend from work she lived with in the past. She said that even when wedding details were murky she knew she'd ask them.
I told her that I had always envisioned all of us planning our weddings together and being left out of it all was very painful. Her reply hurt.
She said she was sorry that I was no longer friends with the two bridesmaids in her party. She truly wishes me no ill-will from the past, but that they have their own valid reasons for ending our friendship. Then she said she was honestly surprised that I asked her to be a part of my wedding, and that she wouldn't have even been surprised if she didn't get an invite.
I spoke to my therapist the next day about it. She pretty much echoed what people said here, and I was putting way too much pressure on Jane and was inappropriately using her wedding as friend reunion.
Oh, and my fiance and I got into a HUGE fight about the wedding. I texted Jane after and she was nice and listened to me rant, but it felt awkward. On top of it all, I got to see her post a lovely Instagram story about shopping for her wedding dress with all of her bridesmaids and getting drinks after.
I'm so over weddings. I wish I was eloping. I'm a little jealous that Jane seems to be having an awesome time planning hers. Making friends in your 30s is tough, but I thought I had a few close ones I could rely on. But I guess I was wrong.
So thanks Reddit. You tried to warn me but I was already set on being the asshole when I posted. My advice to people upset about bridesmaids/groomsmen: don't question their choices and accept whatever role they want you to play in their wedding.
*OOP answering a question on why they fell out with the two bridesmaids*:
Honestly it was a bunch of dumb teenage and 20 something drama. Essentially I moved to a city around the same time one of my friends was living there. I got involved in her friend group and some guy she liked ended up liking me more. We dated but he was clingy and got weird when I broke up with him. After that the group kind of imploded and everyone blamed me. After my one friend said she no longer wanted me in her life, the other one followed. I was supposed to grab dinner with her one day and she delayed because she was hanging out with the one that hates me. I told her to forget it all and that she didn't have to see me if she didn't want to.
I'll admit, I was a bit dramatic in the past. But I've grown up a lot and I had hoped we could kind of forgive and forget. We all used to be so close and I miss their friendship
#POST #2 14 March '19 [My Bridesmaid Hates Me, And I Hate My Wedding(from WeddingPlanning)](https://old.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/b12vjg/my_bridesmaid_hates_me_and_i_hate_my_wedding/?ref=share&ref_source=link)
I wrote a whole long story in r/AmItheAsshole (look at my post history if you want details) and I feel lost. Long story short, I picked someone who I thought was a close friend to be my bridesmaid. She's done what she's been asked to do, but hasn't gone above and beyond to do anything extra. She's also getting married later this year. I'm invited, but I'm not a bridesmaid. To make matters worse, two people I had a falling out with are in her wedding. We were all friends in high school (we're all in very early 30s now) and it hurts that they're all still friends and I'm being excluded.
I had a big session with my therapist yesterday, and I realize that I had kind of strong armed her into doing this. She tried to say no. That she would be too busy with her own wedding to give me the time and attention I needed, but I convinced her that it would be fine and that I wanted her to be a big part of my day. I think that she's a fucking adult and could have said no, but what to I know?
I'll admit, I thought we were closer than we actually are in real life. We were really close in high school, but drifted apart after college. I still considered her a close friend even though we didn't talk much. I just feel like now she has this whole life without me with all of these friends and I'm left in the dust. Even seeing her bridal party makes me jealous. I feel like I didn't know who to ask and she has four "best friends" that are bending over backwards for her. My friend posted this super cute Instagram story about her shopping with her friends for her dress and celebrating after. I got so upset I cried and threw my phone across the room.
I'm angry as hell at her and want to kick her out of the bridal party. I feel betrayed and used, but I don't know who else I would ask. I don't have a lot of friends, and my "maid of honor" is my guy friend from college. Why are bridesmaids even a thing? The whole idea is designed to make drama and hurt everyone's feelings.
On top of it all, planning the wedding has been a nightmare. My parents (divorced) are using it as an excuse to try to outdo each other. My fiance's family is dysfunctional and don't like me much. His mom is a control freak and planned everyone else's wedding, and she's trying to do the same for mine. We keep arguing about the wedding and had a huge blow up about it yesterday. We're pouring so much money into this wedding and I can't wait for it to be over.
Can someone make me feel better? Post about their wedding drama and how everything worked out in the end? I'm at the end of my rope. My wedding is in less than 2 months and I'm not excited about it at all.
#UPDATE #2 8 April '19 [(from WeddingPlanning)](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/bav6gs/update_my_bridesmaid_hates_me_and_i_hate_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
Hey all. I don't know if anyone remembers my reddit meltdown from about a month ago, but I've been getting some nice messages in my inbox asking me for an update. The truth is that not a lot has changed and I'm still kind of miserable about the wedding.
Things with my bridesmaid are awkward to say the least. I'm kind of embarrassed about how everything went down and now I feel like she's kind of keeping me at a distance. She has her dress and has been good with updating me on her outfit and day of stuff and texts to chat about how planning is going, but she's been tight lipped about her wedding. If I ask her anything she just says it's going "good" and leaves it at that. To make things worse she's in full "bride" mode with her friends and I keep seeing Instagram stories pop up with cute planning details. It's hard to not feel extremely jealous, left out, and angry when I see her making bouquets with her friends and chatting about taco bars for the reception.
I don't want to say that fight "ruined" our friendship because it's clear we just aren't that close anymore, but I really wish I had just kept my mouth shut.
My fiance's extended family is driving me nuts. They're asking about brining plus ones when we're almost a month out from the wedding. I'm so pissed because I think it's rude to even ask, and that if it really was that important they should have brought it up to me when they first learned about the wedding.
My fiance also doesn't like to talk to me about the wedding anymore. He says whenever I bring something up we end up fighting so he'd rather just stop talking about it period. I know his family is pissing him off too, but he refuses to confront them in any way. He just says that this is the way they are and I need to learn how to deal with it.
So here I am about a month out from my wedding with pretty much 0 enthusiasm for it. Things are awkward with my bridesmaid, my "new" family is pissing me, and my fiance has pretty much shut down and refuses to deal with anything.
I guess I updated because I just wanted a place to rant. Does anyone have any advice on how to not make my "friend's" wedding hurt me so much? Any stories about weddings that weren't the magic days they thought they were? Tips for dealing with fiance's that refuse to deal with their insane families?
#NEW POST 22 July '19 [AITA For Texting An Old Friend to Clear the Air Before a Big Event(from AITA)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cgj1es/aita_for_texting_an_old_friend_to_clear_the_air/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Some of you may remember me from a thread I posted here a while back about being upset over not being a bridesmaid.
TL;DR: I invited my friend to be a part of my wedding, she didn’t invite me to be a part of hers, I was upset, we had an awkward conversation about it, things turned out fine enough I guess.
My wedding has come and gone (beautiful day despite some drama and hiccups) but my friend’s is coming up and I have a new problem. The two women I’m no longer friends with are obviously planning her bridal shower and I’m invited.
When I saw my old friend’s name on the invite (she’s handling RSVPs) I panicked a bit. I called my friend/bridesmaid to make sure it was okay for me to come. She said of course and that she didn’t anticipate any drama. She claimed that the two friends really had no ill-will about what happened and that the day should be fun. There will be a lot of other people there to hang out with and it should be a good time.
I asked if she thought I should reach out to clear the air beforehand. She said it wasn’t necessary. I asked her if she thought it was a bad idea, she just repeated that it wasn’t needed.
I was feeling really anxious about it, so I decided to text both of the friends. I said I was married now, was excited to reconnect, and that I hoped we could put all of our differences aside and be together for the bride and celebrate her.
They responded with general “glad you can come, can’t wait to celebrate bride” and I was a little hurt. I had hoped for something that was more reassuring that the day would be okay and there would be no weirdness. When I told my husband how I felt, he was shocked that I even texted them. He claimed it felt like that message was actually trying to stir up drama.
I don’t think what I said was inappropriate or rude. I don’t want my friend’s day to be ruined because of some petty drama and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable during this. It’s been hard enough seeing my friend post about all of the wedding fun she’s having, I just didn’t want to walk into a bad situation.
Reddit, am I the asshole for sending those texts?
*Relevant comment from OOP*:
My husband thought it was over the top. He said that the tone I took made it seem like they somehow weren't there to celebrate the bride when they're her bridesmaids and that I was making the event about myself.
TBH, my friend/bridesmaid has become a bit of a sore spot for the two of us. He's glad that she was a good bridesmaid and helped out a lot the day of, but he thinks I'm "trying too hard" to be best friends. It's not like I don't have other friends, I just really miss the way things were in high school and feel like I'm missing out on having deep and meaningful friendships with a history.
**OOP did not post anything after this post but the response was between NAH (No assholes here) and more YTA (you're the asshole) for their last post.** | 5,746 | "2022-12-09T07:16:22" | OOP: Am I The Asshole For Being Upset Over Not Being A Bridesmaid? | CONCLUDED | Confident-Addition76 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgpzrc/oop_am_i_the_asshole_for_being_upset_over_not/ | false | false | [
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zgx5s8 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T13:19:04" | I am the wife of a porn addict, and it destroyed me | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgx5s8/i_am_the_wife_of_a_porn_addict_and_it_destroyed_me/ | false | false | [
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zgx743 | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T13:20:39" | AITAA for taking my niece to court over a coat? | CONCLUDED | 99999999999999999989 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgx743/aitaa_for_taking_my_niece_to_court_over_a_coat/ | false | false | [
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zgxdwo | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T13:29:19" | OOP MIL posts on AITA about wanting her daughter invite OOP MIL's brother to her wedding. Redditors smell BS. OOP Fiancée updates in JUSTNOMIL | CONCLUDED | cbm984 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgxdwo/oop_mil_posts_on_aita_about_wanting_her_daughter/ | false | false | [
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zgxmbq | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T13:39:45" | OOP "MIL" posts in AITA about wanting her daughter to invite OOP MIL's brother to her wedding. Redditors call BS. OOP Fiancée responds in her own post in JUSTNOMIL. | CONCLUDED | cbm984 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zgxmbq/oop_mil_posts_in_aita_about_wanting_her_daughter/ | false | false | [
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zh43q0 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/bussssco in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**My GF has all these rules that are driving me crazy**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/vgj2en/my_gf_has_all_these_rules_that_are_driving_me/) - 20 June 2022
I’m posting this from a throwaway because my GF uses Reddit and will freak out if she found out I did this.
My GF (30F) and I (30M) have been together for 3 years. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I plan on marrying her. Lately, however, her ‘rules’ (I call them rules, but they are more like obsessions) are driving me crazy. I know she is meticulous; I know she is particular, and I know she’s a perfectionist but I’m starting to think she has some kid of underlying OCD or something.
Our house always has to be pristine, everything in its right place. But when I get off from work I just want to relax and not care about the fact that I hung up my jacket on the wrong hook. If I try to help her with laundry she gets frustrated because I hang up the wrong things at the wrong places. Apparently shirts go in a certain place on the laundry line and it’s a disaster if they’re too close to the socks.
I’m not allowed barefoot outside otherwise I have to wash my feet before I can get back into the house. I’m allowed to put my feet on the couch if I have socks or slippers but those same socks and slippers are not allowed on the bed. Sometimes I just want to get into bed without having to put on clean socks.
If a pillow so much as touches the floor it has to be washed, but then the designated pillow case for that particular set of sheets doesn’t match so the whole bed has to be stripped and changed. All our sheets and pillowcases are white and look exactly the same.
She reminds me to pack my lunch for work every morning, which is nice and all, but she does it four times in a row. She tells me every morning and every night to wash and moisturize my face, multiple times, and makes me promise that I will remember to do it only because I passed out on the couch and forgot one time. I’ve told her that it bothers me when she does this.
She told me that she can’t help it because it just builds and builds in her mind over and over if she doesn’t say anything. I’m not allowed to say goodbye to her in the mornings, only see you later because goodbye could ‘curse’ one of us. I’m also not allowed to say drive safe.
She is currently studying for her board exams and she’s already told me that I’m not allowed to say good luck because I will jinx her. She is extremely intelligent and graduated at the top of her class last year. I told her mom about how well she did and how proud I was of her. Later that night, she was bawling her eyes out.
When I asked her what was wrong she said that she knew I didn’t mean anything by it but if people are aware of how well she did it means that she will do poorly in her board exams. Her mother told all her whole family, who then called to congratulate her and I felt like the worst person in the world.
I feel like things are just getting worse. For example, one of the cloths that we use to clean the house with is missing. We had a huge argument about it because she was tearing down the whole house trying to find it. I helped her look for it but gave up after 5 minutes because it was after work and I was tired.
She got angry at me and accused me of not caring about our things. I told her that I do care about our things, but it’s just a cloth and we can buy another one. It’s just not worth the effort for me. She was freaking out saying that it was difficult to find the cloths in that particular colour otherwise it wouldn’t match with the others (we have a whole set of cloths just for cleaning).
I then said that it doesn’t matter what colour the cloths are, just that we had them which made her really upset. It’s been almost a month and we haven’t replaced the cloth yet because we can’t find one in the very specific colour she wants it.
The worst thing is that I really think it affects her health. We both love to cook and often do it together. We usually spend time together drawing up a meal plan for the week but her ‘rules’ have started to make the whole process unbearable. Meal planning takes hours. Every dish that we make has to have enough vegetables.
Fine, that’s great but the vegetables have to be the right vegetables for the dish. Some things cant be eaten together because they don’t fit according to her. If a meal doesn’t have enough of the right vegetables she gets incredibly anxious to the point that she’s nauseous and then just wont eat.
She also has this thing where food can’t be wasted and then I tell her its fine we can just have it for leftovers for lunch but obviously lunch is also then planned out so she gets really stressed out and eats a small plate of vegetables while I make myself food.
I know she’s struggled with depression in the past and that she’s on antidepressants but this just feels like it’s something more. No matter what I do to reassure her I just feel like I’m making things worse. I’ve told her that she needs to see a therapist but she told me she feels ashamed of these things and doesn’t want to waste money on a therapist. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
TL;DR My GF has a lot of rules that drive me crazy. Everything always has to be in its right place and she gets anxious when it isn’t. I’m not allowed to say certain things like goodbye or good luck because it will jinx her. We spent hours meal planning because every dish has to be right and only certain things can be eaten with certain things. Most of the time she stresses so much about getting enough vegetables that she gets nauseous from anxiety and just doesn’t eat. I’ve told her that I think she needs to see a therapist but she says it will just be a waste of money.
**Edit:**
I really didn't think it mattered but some people have commented how these behaviors can be culturally transmitted so I will add that she isn't Asian or Indian, she's Caucasian as am I.
**Update:**
Thanks everyone for all your helpful advice, comments and suggestions. I will try and respond to as many as I can but if I don't get to you please know I appreciate the input. We had a talk last night and she agreed to go to therapy. She said she is very reluctant to go to therapy because she fears that talking about this stuff will lead to bad things happening. She told me that many of these rules are distressing to her too but she didn't really realize they had that much of an effect on her because she was still 'functioning normally'.
She also apologized for the fact that I feel like I can't relax and said it made her very sad and that she will do what she can to make sure I am comfortable and happy. We are also currently working on some strategies that will help ease some of the burden these rules have on me. We will be getting a coat hanger so that I don't instinctively hang my coat on the first hook I see but rather as I come in the door which works out better for both of us.
I also made dinner on my own last night since she had a study session until very late and she was very grateful and happy (maybe just because she was hungry lol but it was a win in any case). The meal didn't fit together perfectly (according to her) and there wasn't enough vegetables but I said that the meal fit together perfectly in my mind and that we could double up on vegetables at the next meal. She told me that by me saying that it actually made her feel a lot less stressed about it.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 13,932 | "2022-12-09T18:04:01" | My GF has all these rules that are driving me crazy | INCONCLUSIVE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh43q0/my_gf_has_all_these_rules_that_are_driving_me/ | false | false | [
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zh5rle | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T19:08:12" | OOP's Niece Destroys $20k Coat for a "Prank" | CONCLUDED | luckylittleunicorn | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh5rle/oops_niece_destroys_20k_coat_for_a_prank/ | false | false | [
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zh62jo | [removed] | 1 | "2022-12-09T19:20:27" | My step dad is sexually harassing me an my mom is still with him. Should I cut them off | ONGOING | Lanky_Buffalo_8868 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh62jo/my_step_dad_is_sexually_harassing_me_an_my_mom_is/ | false | false | [
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