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Maximofn

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short-jokes-dataset

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Virginity is like a car I kept mine until I was rear ended in a bad neighborhood

I'm more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say "uh-oh!" from another room.

What is the difference between Santa and the Jews? Santa goes down the chimney.

Helen Keller walks into a bar.... Then a chair, then a table.

How does a psychiatrist like his sausages? Freud

That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.

A magician was driving down a street... then suddenly he turned into a driveway.

What do you call a showoff Texan? *Austin*tatious.

A white American told me I shouldn't call myself "British" because brown people aren't native to Britain. A white American White. American.

What's the difference between a person with a forehead and a fivehead? A sixth sense

Did you know that Stevie Wonder has seven kids? He never sees them though.

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and Toilet tissue have in common? A: They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.

A farmer asks the scarecrow if he likes his job "Well... this job isn't for everyone..." the scarecrow ponders, "but hey... it's in my jeans"

I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

What do Jewish couples do when they hang out netflix and shill

What do you call a cappuccino from Dunkin Donuts? A crappucino.

Why don't women need to go to college? Because it doesn't take four years to learn how to make a sandwich.

*rolls out of bed* *rolls into other strategically placed bed* "Nice."

I heard someone proposed a Tupac movie. But it was shot down.

The difference between my "Maine lobster" and my "main lobster" is boiling water or a high five.

What's the difference between a Greyhound Station and a crab with big boobs? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight* *discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*

What do you call an attraction to your own mummy? A dedipus complex.

Why do you never see a pregnant plane? They always go to the hanger.

They say the human imagination is infinite. Try to imagine a new color.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus Lost my job as a bus driver.

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly ? An elephant in a lift !

You don't really know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them.

A gay couple decides to have some fun and play hide and seek... Jim: if you find me, I'll give you a blowjob! Mike: and if I don't find you? Jim: I'll be behind the couch.

Why did the disorganized suicide bomber's friends not like him? He was all over the place.

I was fired from my job in the pasta factory. I made a fusilli errors.

When answering a Craigslist ad, clarify the meaning of "XXX fun" up front or else you could end up playing Nintendo with a large woman.

Australians don't have sex... Australians mate.

joke of the day Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing. -

The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.

I'm very popular at the gym. Girls always approach saying things like, "Hey, this is the women's locker room."

Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart..

Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.

Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor? He was feeling a bit Sikh

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference

I'm so poor I can't even pay for my own consequences.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby.

Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.

You can call John Lennon a genius all you want, but the simple fact is he married Yoko Ono. Thats a big strike against the genius part.

Today in 1949, Bruce Springsteen was born. He became "The Boss" after several years as "The Assistant Regional Manager."

If you haven't taken at least 25,000 pictures of your cat then you shouldn't have a cat.

So two fish are hanging out in a tank... So two fish are hanging out in a tank, when one turns to the other and says "Are you sure you known how to drive this thing?"

I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

Potheads must have been disappointed with Jurassic Park... 'Cause there's no grass.

Follow your dreams, into traffic.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."

"Hey, my face is UP HERE and also OVER HERE" - woman in Picasso painting

What does an egg say to a pot of boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

A guy asks his friend if he wants to join his piss club.. He replies: "Uuuhre sure?" to satisfy his friend. So, happy that he will join he says: "YOU'RE IN!"

If you play jazz backwards, you get slightly better jazz.

You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president... There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!

why Ed doesn't have a girlfriend? Cause sheeran.

My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter.

How do you get a hippie to jump off a cliff? Tell them it will "cleanse toxins."

I lost my girlfriend recently. Then the topic moved away from science and she was fine again.

I really want to meet this Hardon Collider. Is he a new pornstar?

A pirate decided he wanted to retire He sold all his gold on eBay.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through something so small?

*flexing arms* I'd like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and- "Hammer?" Holy shit that's way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2

What's the opposite of Cristopher Walken... Cristopher reeve.

What type of weed does a reptile smoke? Mariiguana

I'm so patriotic I ejaculate red white and blue Minus the blue part. I should see a doctor.

Day 16,607: Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

A vaping vegan walks into a bar Just kidding they're incapable of doing anything remotely cool.

"Keep away from children to avoid suffocation" was the best advice I've ever received. You have to pay for that nowadays

A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem... The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders." The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"

What's a politicians favorite kind of dance move? Poll dancing!

What'd the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me.

Wife, I am truly truly upset... I must take this out on your vagina.

What do you call an unfinished Tennis match? Wimble-not-don :D

Why were Helen Keller's hands purple... ... because she heard it through the grape vine.

why did the snowman smile? He saw the snowblower coming

Why was the Ancient Egyptian boy confused? His daddy was a mummy

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don't need it.

Jumping on a trampoline naked is an awesome way to see the past, present and future of your body.

Does eating fish makes you dumb? We know that eating fish is supposed to make us "smarter", but the only fishes we eat, are the ones "dumb" enough to get caught. It doesn't make sense.

TIL J. Cole robbed a bank and was never caught despite there being several witnesses When police sketch artists asked witnesses for a description of the robber they said he had no features.

Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones. DMV WORKER: I'm not putting that on your license.

How do hobbit flowers grow? Through Frodo-synthesis.

Did y'all hear the one about the tortilla song? Don't have source, but now that I think about it, it may have been a rap

How do u find an old man in the dark? Its not that hard

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend? Old Bay

Q:What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A:('A jump rope')"

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

What is Mike Tyson's favorite song? Down With The Thickness.

It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

Ever since I was young I felt like a boy trapped in a woman's body Then I was born.

What do you call someone who's got a horse for a mother and a fruit for a father? A Frenchman.

"Excuse me sir, are you really just a building in disguise?" *storefront sweats nervously* "N-n-no! I am human my name is Bill. Bill...Ding"