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Maximofn

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short-jokes-dataset

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What is a vegetable's favorite martial art? He can't do martial art because he is paralyzed tip to toe.

This gave me a small chuckle this morn. knock knock -who's there rupert murdoch -rupert murdoch who? i don't know what you're talking about

Jam and Marmalade NSFW What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You can't Marmalade a cock up a girls arse

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick!!

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. :(

Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep.

I met this really hot chick at the club last night... She let me give her and handjob and everything.

Why did the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos made it to the finals? Because they want that **Super Bowl!**

On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said 'when are you due?' This is why we are here...

What do you call it when your having sex with a smart girl? Being in-genious

What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings

Why do Chemists have so much debt? Because they have so much Antimony!

What do you call a belt made of paper? A waist of paper. *knee slap*

What do bunnies do when they get married? Go on a bunnymoon

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

Patient: I have a strawberry lodged in my anus. Doctor: I have some cream for that.

Hear about that 70s date rape band? Cosby Pills Smash and Run

I went through Walmart's self-checkout the other day And damn, the cashier was sexy.

An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms. He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair". [Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ)

I drink every time I tell a bad joke. Hey, it's worth a shot.

Korean hot dogs [My wife came up with this joke] If hot dogs made from turkey are called turkey dogs... Then Koreans eat doggie dogs.

The past, present and future walk into a bar... It was tense.

Being autistic is a bit like being a photon... Getting from here to someplace else is instantaneous, but what happens in between is incomprehensible. (source: am autistic)

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.

I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry.

Hipsters only listen to songs like Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen You've probably never heard of it.

Saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" Standing underneath was a rather suspicious looking man holding a watch.

Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn't be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn't waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario.

Satan's not all bad. He's an equal opportunity employer.

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

You know Toothpaste was invented in Alabama? Anywhere else and it would have been called Teethpaste!

What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways? He died on the cross!

First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.

Doctor doctor I'm so ugly. What can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties.

*rubs a lamp* Genie appears and asks for a wish "I don't wanna die virgin" *Genie grants immortality

Yo mama so fat... ...every year she win the Mrs. Hungary Pageant without even entering.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got behind in his orders

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?" Well, Katy, I'm thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that's a pretty apt simile

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Yes, I know this is a 30+ year old joke, but hope it gave some people a chuckle

You'd think that people who kept their head warm would tend to be healthier... but as it turns out, people who wear turbans are actually more likely to be Sikh

What do you call a crazy train A loco-motive

Want to read a great construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Name's Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame's Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame's Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers. #

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Got a quick joke, that might be offensive to women. NSFW Q: Two tampoons drive right pass you. Which one stop to say "Hello?" A: Neither! They're both stuck up cunts.

What's the right age to tell your kids Canada isn't real?

Knock knock Come in Sorry

Working title for the new Tyler Perry movie? Alex Crossdresser

How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke? He's looking over his shoulder

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.

You know it's not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you've ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.

How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer? He's staring at somebody else's shoes.

Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.

According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I'm guessing the other 48% have new ones?

Lots of road accidents are caused by bad weather It snow joke

What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D.

I have no patience But that's mostly because I'm not a doctor.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach"

I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.

[Drives date home] ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Oh, Obama's credit card was declined? Michelle must have called the bank and told them she was tired of her husband always "going Dutch."

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips... ...but it's great for their calves.

"Is there really a fire? Prove it." -Mrs. Doubtfire

Knock Knock Who's there ! Cassie ! Cassie who ? Cassie the forest for the trees !

Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered... and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years.

Where do you hide an airport? IN PLANE SIGHT!

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids: What did one lightbulb to say to the other? Watts up?

What is every bodybuilder's favorite city? Gainsboro.

All these mean jokes about the Boston Marathon Bombing ... are really crossing the line... too soon?

I had intimate contact with Jesus... ...in a Mexican jail cell.

How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed? You can smell the carrots on his breath.

Confucius says... Confucius says: Learn to masturbate, come in handy.

Whenever my mum tells me to budget wisely, I remind her that she spent 80 on a dog coat. And we don't even have a dog.

What did the paraplegic father say when his teenage daughter came out of the closet? I will not stand for this.

How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nein!

Dear NFL: Super Bowl. I'll just let them process this a little bit. They should do something by the time I'm up tomorrow.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant? I guess the eggplant came first! I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious

When I go to Victoria's Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they'll really look.

Why are Fiat cars named as such? Because they aren't really worth anything. Econ 101 humor.

I'm a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Did you hear the guy who wrote the Friends theme song committed suicide? No one told him life was gonna be this way.

I saw the funniest joke... Your life.

I was arrested for assault with a chicken. The cops suspected foul play.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

You have a life

Humour is what separates us from the animals. And the feminists.

Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*

What do Dracula's girlfriend and Mike Tyson have in common? They both go down for the count!!

[clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Apparently the most common surname In China is Chang. ...correct me if you think that's Wong.

There's only one thing I love more than bacon ...and I can't put pussy in my mashed potatoes.

Worrying does you no good. Or does it? What if it does? Can anyone confirm this? Maybe email me in case I have bad reception?!