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Maximofn

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short-jokes-dataset

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I was fired my first day on the job as a food vendor at the ballpark. A man ordered a corn dog from me. He was not pleased when I returned from the pet store 20 minutes later with his new husky.

My girlfriend was taking a survey online about "Which holiday describes your sex life?" She wasn't happy with me when I chimed in, "Day of the Dead."

Vice Presidents and Homicide Detectives have a similar job... ...They both work if someone dies

What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd? He called the piano tuna!

My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit". I don't know how I feel about this.

Shout out to people who don't know the opposite of in

"Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?" -Disney's Frozen I paused the movie to tweet this...

What is irony? Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day? Patty O'Furniture.

Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. Just kidding, women redditors are cool.

After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

What do africans eat for breakfast? A bowl'a cereal

The painters I just got my house painted, and they gave me a bill that said $0. I asked them, "Why aren't you charging me for the paint?" They said, "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, "Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10."

They call me Moses. Cause I parted that Red Sea last night.

If you're wearing a cowboy outfit... Does that mean you're ranch dressing?

What body part do adults have two of and children have four of? Kidneys.

Here's one you might know... There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe he woke with a fright in the middle of the night to find that his dream had come true.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

What do you call a song being played 100 yards away that makes people pass out? Faint music.

How do you get a baby into a shoebox? A. With a blender. Q. How do you get a baby out of a shoebox? A. With a straw.

What was Bruce Lee's favorite hotel? HYATT!!!

Hey, you have something in your teeth! Person B: What? Person A: Plaque.

What's my rating from 1 to 10 for Harry Potter? Nine and three quarters.

David Hasselhoff just changed his name to "David Hoff" If anything, it's less of a hassel.

What did the stoned alpaca say to the other stoned alpaca? Alpaca 'nother bong

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Allergies.

One day a wife complained.. "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

What do you call a group of gay smart men that are all the same? Homogenius

What do you say to a black man in a suit? Will the defendant please rise?

Why is unemployment rising in Jamaica? Because they're jahbless!

What's the best part of divorce? Two Kwanzaas

If Trump wins the election.... I hope he leaves us for a younger, more attractive Eastern European Country after a year or two.

WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.

What does a horny gay rooster say in the morning? "Any-cock'll-doooooo!"

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

"A Walk Among the Tombstones" could just as well be a TV serial... ... It has so many parts.

Why are suicide kits so hard to sell on Amazon? They never have positive reviews.

I was going to tell you a joke about homosexuals Butt fuck it.

A guy walks into a bar... and his alcoholism tears his family apart.

How did you find the weather at camp? It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!

What did the red light say to the green light Don't look. I'm changing

Why do pornstars enjoy working as waitresses? Because they always get the tip

Can anyone explain this joke for me? I just don't get it, so it is either meant to be absurd/nonsensical or I am missing historical context: Q:What do you know about Damascus? A:It kills 99% of germs.

I sure hope they're wrong about 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on here with you guys.

I went to a Nautica outlet store They had sails on everything

Penguin Joke Two penguins are sitting on an ice float. One says,"It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty.

My dad's TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

My friends keep saying, "If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country!" But I think Carlos, Jose, and Alejandro are all talk.

Guess what... Chicken butt!

A boy bought some Tesco burgers from the canteen, The dinnerlady asked what he wanted on them. The boy replied: "I'll have 5 each way!"

What do you call the total pay from your jobs as a garbageman, a sewage plant worker, and a drug smuggler? Your gross income.

what are you getting your wife for her birthday? a sweater and a dildo... if she doesnt like the sweater, she can go fuck herself

What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!

If you didn't have a Lexus waiting under the tree for your lady, you're a piece of shit who doesn't know what love is.

What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet? A prosti-toot

My Butt giving the day off to employees on Thanksgiving.. **PSYCHE** Probably gonna take a huge dump instead.

Why aren't marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

My son would've been 4 yo today Man 1: My son would've been 4 yo today Man 2: Oh, I'm sorry man. What happened? Man 1: I pulled out.

How do you make a plumber sad? You tell him that the princess is in another castle.

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

Engineer Manager joke Why couldn't the Engineer Manager screw his wife? "Sorry I don't have the tools, I only supervise."

There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy that can carry a dozen doughnuts and 2 cups of coffee.

Don't brag about anything you achieved before 1980. There were billions less people. It was way easier.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?? Because she had no arms.

After growing a beard for two months I decided to shave it off. I must be a man now, because boy did that put hair on my chest!

Colorblind people are wondering why everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey

What do you call a Mexican who can't find parking. Noe. E-or estacionar is park in Spanish.

A man asks, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God responded, "So you would love her." The man asks, "But God, why did you make her so dumb?" God replied, "So she would love you."

Kudos to therapists for resisting the natural urge to top other people's problems.

What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't walk around thinking he's Bono.

Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.

One-liners for when you're leaving - example: "I'm going to make like a baby, and head out." I also use "Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split." What are some other good ones?

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet? I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they had no clue either.

What is successful but always beat? Rihanna

Why do so many Muslim students take Intro to Engineering? They heard it was a great place to find 72 virgins.

What do you call tree porn? Entai.

Threw a surprise bukakee party for my girlfriend last night You should have seen her face.

How do you describe people who tell "I see dead people" jokes? They have a sixth sense of humor

How do you call a whores pubic hair? Public hair Ill show myself out..

Please don't share 9/11 jokes, I lost my dad on 9/11 He took over 2500 infidels with him

Statistics. Studies show that almost 213% of statistics are inaccurate.

Girlfriends are like grenades. If you put a ring on them they won't blow.

Pack of polos for sale still in the wrapper Mint condition Pack of polos for sale, still in the wrapper. Mint condition

I saw a photon go by... ...it seemed friendly, but it didn't wave.

Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase... ...so I could unzip your genes.

There are two kinds of numbers... Rational numbers and Woman numbers.

Why does Michael Jackson like 26 year Olds? Because there are twenty of them.

A man boards a plane. An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?" The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

I like my women like I like my third games in a series by Valve... I think they're gonna be great, but they never seem to come.

I love how you changed "Conclusions" to "Learnings" in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.