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I heard the fork was having an affair with the knife... Or is it too spoon to bring that up?

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Actual Critic Armani blazer: 20k Gucci shoes: 15k Tag Heuer watch: 50k Friend meets you and says "Looking Idiot" - Priceless

why didn't the cannibal want to be late to dinner? Because he didn't want to get the cold shoulder.

The local pedophile claims he got a perfect score on his SAT back in the day. Said it was as easy as giving candy to a baby.

what's that lassie? "Bark" Timmy's in a well? "Bark" and he's jerkin it? "Bark" he's looking at what?! "Bark" dude I've heard enough

What do you call Hitler in the water? Adolfin. Stolen from /u/NightRedditor423

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

My friend is addicted to Time-Travelling But he reckons he can stop at any time.

What is a lesbians favorite day of the week? Tuesday

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible... I'd probably still be in debt right now.

Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

How did Mary fall off the swing? She had no arms

I saw santa fucking my mom. To get back at him i decided to poison his cookies. Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

A man is making moonshine. But the machine isn't working. He goes to see his friend Gino. Gino looks at the machine and says "That's cause it's a still!"

Two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner. One begins to complain to the other, "You know, I really don't like my mother in law." "Then just eat the noodles."

Why doesn't money bring happiness? Because if you have a billion dollars, almost anyone will be a bitch.

Black Lives Matter. Of course they do. How else would we keep score?

I remember when a minimum wage job was a stepping stone, not a career.

I used to be in a band called The Prevention We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.

I went all around town looking for an optometrist's office when, at long last, I found one. It was a site for sore eyes.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he's black.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.

If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'....

A Mexican plays uno, And steals all the green cards..

What goes up and never comes down in college your debt

In Newcastle, England many people don't like to live above the seventh floor in a tower block They have a fear of Eights

Life is like a box of chocolates It ends sooner for fat people.

There are two goldfishes in a bowl. There are two goldfishes in a fish bowl. One says to the other, "Trevor, why do the humans think us fish are stupid?" Trevor says, "Sorry, who are you again?"

Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.

Old joke, now with new offensive punchline. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. He had a heart attack while raping a 12 year old Jewish girl.

"If all your friends jumped" 'Yes' "But if they" 'Yes' "But" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

Imagine if things had been reversed. We'd be eating Lou Gehrig candy bars and getting Babe Ruth's disease.

Did you hear about the shooting at the blind school? They never saw it coming.

Childbirth Around 0AD childbirth was fraught with danger, but luckily for Jesus he was born in a stable condition

Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work? Little seizures

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

Why does Beyonce say "to the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.

A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent. "I want a round trip ticket" says the man. "Where to?" asks the agent. "Right back to here."

What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the social ladder.

Definition of a Masochist... *Definition of a Masochist:* ***"Beat me! Beat me!"*** *Definition of a Sadist:* ***"No!"***

Why do soccer players not play in the rain? It makes their makeup run.

BREAKING NEWS Ne ws

What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy? Julius Seizure.

What is the difference between a Snowman and a Snow-woman? Snowballs.

Why do liberal courts don't work? Because they don't like to judge anyone.

I applied to Hogwarts the a few weeks back. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. Figured I could just Slytherin.

Why do Black people prefer big asses? Because they have a bigger machine to ride ( )

I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black.

[day 1] hello, world [day 2] bit less wobbly today [day 7] making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho [day 26] turns out i'm a hippo

This father says to his son, "Stop playing with yourself you'll go blind." The son says, "I'm over here, dad."

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge

What is a penguin? A swallow that kept eating after 6pm.

What hood was the Swedish cholo from? StockHOLMES!

How do gay people float? Flambuoyancy.

How do French girls hold their liquor? By the ears

Why did the French fry call the police? Because it was a(salt)ted.

It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...

I don't know how to spell Armaggedon But who cares - it's not the end of the world!

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.

i bet today is the most confusing day in harlem!

Soviet Monopoly "Go to gulag! Go directly to gulag! Do not pass go, do not collect food stamps and vodkac

Why hasn't Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately? He's on tour.

Homeless girl I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat. The newspaper the next day reads: "Nut screws washers and bolts." Edit: Error in title: laundromat*.

Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole :(

Why are Jews so rich? They are always looking for prophets.

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.

You should really eat more turnips. They're really healthy Turnip, for what?

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.

What's a space pirate's favorite planet? mArrrs!

What was left after the explosion at a French cheese factory Des Brie

What is Forrest Gump's computer password? 1forrest1

Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind? My HIV test.

[God creating hairless cats] How about some foreskin with night vision.

"I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because...you know...rules.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread

What does the man say when he walks into the bar? "Can I please get a drink?"

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet 4yo: Me: ....... 4yo:......... Me : 4yo : but I don't have any other feet Me : fair enough --__--

Me to waitress: "Do you have frog legs?" Her response: "Yes.." Me: "Then hop on back to the kitchen and get me a steak"

Do you think you'd make a good sniper? [ ] Yes [ ] No

What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV? The Patriots

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

I've got a problem with people who are into BDSM I just want to strangle them.

When bae starts to age... She turns beige.

Angry Stair Why was the stair frustrated and angry? It was tired of being stepped on by everyone!

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people they were slaves before they became drug dealers.

What is the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.

Doctor doctor my baby's swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!

"Pika pika pika!" [translated] "I'm sorry, children. Your father was stolen by a Pokemon trainer who has to beat a child named Gary."

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.