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Maximofn

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short-jokes-dataset

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Text your friends but leave voicemails for your enemies.

Want to hear a joke about potassium? K. I was gonna tell a joke about sodium but then I was like, Na.

Men, if you're looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there's WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but, I changed my mind.

Why is there a 100,000 oil limit in World of Warcraft Garrisons? Because anything more than that might cause an invasion by the United States of America!

How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? [Click here to find out the answer.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2b57xv/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_busy_for_hours/)

Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'? Because fuck u that's why.

I don't know what a foliant is but woman sure love things that used to be them.

Why couldn't Mozart find his mentor? Because he was Haydn

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mutant Barbie ...Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball wearing a Dark Phoenix costume

I sprinkled viagra in my eyes today... Now I look hard.

What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.

Just been confronted by my next door neighbour, apparently there's been items going missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants!

What do they call an affair with a psychiatrist? A psychiatric tryst.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I'M IN A GANG NOW

she wants the D (director's cut)

I can't stop starting at the Mona Lisa... I think I'm in Louvre.

Finally looked up from my phone screen and noticed I'm being passed around by the crowd at a Blink 182 concert.

What's the difference between math and meth? One of them ruins your life. The other's just meth.

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

I like my girls like Shrek... Big boned and with an ass that talks back

Why doesn't anybody like feminist picnics? Because they never have any sandwiches.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his wife? Wipes his ass.

My TV thinks it's a kangaroo... It just won't stop channel hopping.

this is a serious question if you have sex with a hoker and dont pay is it shoplifting

Do you know the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke...

My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere... well whose fault is that?

Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office? He had a cavity.

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name? So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights... It's going to be Excel Lent

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September people say "Wow is it Halloween already?"

Poker is like sex Not fun to watch if there are a lot of folds

My grandmother is an inspiration! At 84 years old she went to medical school. She's a cadaver.

I can't wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there's food at home when they ask for some..

The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

African conservationists call for the ban on hunting hippopotamus to be lifted, citing environmental concerns. To me the whole thing seems so hippocritical.

I have an archaeology exam tomorrow And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way... My future's in ruins.

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 15 years.

Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com? No I'll ketchup with it later.

Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? She was tired of raisin kids.

vote up cause im a criminal the rules for starting a thread im quoting "Beginning your title with "vote up if" is violation of intergalactic law."

sheep: "why do we all look the same?" other sheep: "it freaks me out tbh" another sheep: "i dont even know which one of us is me"

My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts, but there is no interest.

Then Satan said, "Let's convince everyone they need to go gluten free." And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.

My ex wife got a boob job with my alimony What a bust.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, but it's at least 6, because my basement is still dark!!

Bad news: none of the fireworks at the Trump rally misfired and killed me!

Two muffins are in an oven First muffin turns and says "damn it's hot in here" The second muffin says " holy sh!t, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Olympics? She was so proud she had it bronzed.

Wore an orange suit for the first time today... I stand by my convictions.

why do hens have no tits? 'cause roosters got no hands

What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game? Marsh-Mellows

Why did the drunk guy call the sheep Legolas? Because it was a cloud

Did you know diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans

Little Jewish Boy A little jewish boy comes up to his father and asks for 40 dollars for a school field trip. His father looks down at him and says "30 dollars, what do you need 30 dollars for?"

Knock knock? 1 Who's there? 2 Allah 1 Allah who? 2 ALLAHU ACKBAR

I have a strange attraction to bananas. I don't know why, I just find it apeeling.

What is the difference between christianity and national socialism? In christianity, one guy died for all the others.

Can't speak for all women but generally I'll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.

Do your Dads know your straight? I am not homophobic, this is for all the 11 year olds on reddit.

Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested? Assault.

Waiter there is a maggot in my soup ! Don't worry sir he won't last long in there !

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn't really fit me anyway.

Joke my life

Michael Jackson had hoes on his dick when he was younger. But when he got older he had dicks on his hoes.

What instrument did the famous dog use to sign his autographs? a Shar-Pei :)

When a man wants to get a tan he goes under the Sun. When a cos wants to get a tan... ...He goes under the sin.

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

Dial 3 2 1 2 3 3 3 2 2 2 3 6 6 to get a beautiful rendition of "Mary had a Little Lamb"

Teacher: "Sam what is the outside of a tree called?" Sam: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark Sam bark." Sam: "Bow wow wow!"

A girl was taking an exam in class.... when she rose her hand and said "This is making my hand sore. Can we do this orally?"

How did the toilet paper beat the asshole in the election? With a smear campaign.

What do you call a dog with lice in China? Full course dinner

Knock Knock Who's there ! Canon ! Canon who ? Canon open the door then ?

Some people say I'm a dreamer But my therapist calls them night terrors

They say we know more about the surface of Mars than we do about the bottom of the ocean which is still twice as much as I know about the second page of a Google Search

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home: 1. He talks to you. 2. He buys you a drink. 3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

What is a Catholic priest's dream second job? Warden at juvenile detention center.

What's the difference between a bum and a crust punk Patches ;D

A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!" The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"

An often unfunny joke where the punchline comes first. What is a Jeopardy joke?

Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.

There once was a man from Gent. Had a dick so long it was bent. To save himself trouble He folded it double. And instead of cumming he went.

That awkward moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.

It's a real shame Friday doesn't come as quick as I do

Saw this on a shirt Silence is golden: Duct tape is silver

"My fellow Americans, I have authorized action to degrade and destroy Adobe's ability to push updates to devices." [Cheering in streets]

How many more spills do you think parents in paper towel commercials can take before they just push one of those kids down the stairs?

My life will forever be divided into two segments: before I ever used a bidet, and the Age of Enlightenment.

What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common? They both barely cover an asshole.

10yr old sons joke: Why was "C" afraid of all the other letters ? They are all "Not-C's" !

How many wife's does a catholic priest allowed to have? Nun

What is the difference between walking a dog in America and China? The spelling.

A man walks up to a woman "We're going to have sex tonight" The man said. "Why?" replied the woman. "Because I'm stronger than you"