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1,701 | What did one snowman say to the other snowman? "Do you smell a carrot?" |
1,702 | The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single |
1,703 | What do you call a psychic who simply doesn't care? Telapathy |
1,704 | Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes |
1,705 | It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you. |
1,706 | your mama so fat she was going to walmart tripped over kmart and landed right on target!!! |
1,707 | Microsoft just announced they are changing the name of Xbox's Premier Multiplayer Service from Xbox Live to Xbox Dead... |
1,708 | Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park. |
1,709 | Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay guys house. (awkward silence) knock knock. (who's there?) The chicken. Feel free to try on your friends, its a good laugh. |
1,710 | What so you call a religious dinosaur? A prayeradactyl. |
1,711 | Never understand when someone says, "cats are snobby." Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim? |
1,712 | Dude... I was there, don't try to change the story. |
1,713 | Saying MILF... in an *incestous* family has a completely different meaning... |
1,714 | What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand? Progress |
1,715 | I used to have some well constructed ass jokes But then I rectum. |
1,716 | On my latest trip through New England I was really impressed with New York City but Boston just blew me away |
1,717 | How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams. |
1,718 | If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. |
1,719 | Yo mama is so stank... She has to put ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh. |
1,720 | How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house. |
1,721 | Why does the zoo only have dogs? Because they shot the gorilla |
1,722 | There are ten types of people in this world Those who understand binary and.. wait, shit |
1,723 | Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial! |
1,724 | What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7? ....hasidic I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good... |
1,725 | who says homosexuality isn't a decision? i turn women gay all the time. |
1,726 | I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master. |
1,727 | Why do Chinese only care about themselves? Because they have no i's (plural of i). Edit: eyes. Eyes guys. It's a bad pun. |
1,728 | Does anyone know if ISIS is hiring? I heard they offer new hires a company cell phone and/or car. |
1,729 | What's the one public place that most people still support the separation of Colors and Whites? The laundromat. |
1,730 | What are some of your good 'fake names' Looking for some good joke names like: Mike Hunt Dixie Normous Ivana fukalot ect |
1,731 | A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls |
1,732 | During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone. |
1,733 | I would help you carry some of those bushes... but I've already got two palms on my hands. |
1,734 | The next iPhone won't be a failure In fact, it'll be a huge 6S. |
1,735 | What do u call a greedy lesbian? Bush hog. |
1,736 | I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them... |
1,737 | What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon ? *...Tennish...* |
1,738 | Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were. |
1,739 | For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong..." you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did. |
1,740 | What did the New York Salmon say to the driver? I'm swimming here! |
1,741 | How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood? |
1,742 | Why couldn't the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! I'll see myself out now... |
1,743 | So my friend told me I don't understand the meaning of irony... It was ironic because I was sitting on a park bench. |
1,744 | When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. |
1,745 | What did the man say while holding a square clock? I'm holding Time Square! |
1,746 | How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? They look at your feet instead of theirs. |
1,747 | I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. "What's this for?" He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you." |
1,748 | So Lisa said she wanted to be friends with benefits Where's my dental plan, you slut? (source, college humor) |
1,749 | If you're reading this.. then you are not Floyd Mayweather. |
1,750 | My gassy dog might be the leader of Russia... ...because she is always Putin. |
1,751 | What's the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does. |
1,752 | What do you call a bone that disrespects God? A Blasfemur |
1,753 | How I reacted to the Fine Bros controversy... [deleted] |
1,754 | What book do you like the most? Woman: "My husband's checkbook." |
1,755 | What's black and white and red all over? Michael Jackson, after the autopsy. |
1,756 | A battery's life sucks. You're either working or you're dead. |
1,757 | I have a joke about fat people with big butts... Butt weight... That's not fanny. |
1,758 | There's no harm in trying Unless you try to commit suicide,that will suck real bad |
1,759 | What do you call a body builder? Jim. |
1,760 | I just learned you need five sheep to make a sweater. I didn't know they knew how to knit. |
1,761 | I have a pill that helps you lose pounds fast its called the brexit pill |
1,762 | Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element. |
1,763 | Read more Ant jokes |
1,764 | A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her |
1,765 | Why are seals such homebodies? Because clubbing isn't any fun. |
1,766 | I have one trophy on reddit. Dust |
1,767 | What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk... budumdum tssssss |
1,768 | Using a macbook is like making love to a woman There are so many things to do with your fingers, but none of them work. |
1,769 | [On stage at comedy club] "Doritos: 11 chips per serving" *audience erupts in laughter* "Oreos: 3 cookies per serving" *audience loses it* |
1,770 | What do you call someone who blows himself up by accident? An Errorist! |
1,771 | Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer? Detective: He's white Other detective: A muscular build Me: He kills people |
1,772 | My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her. It's like she's a drunk version of me. |
1,773 | An alcoholic walks into a candy store... then a table, then a chair, floor. |
1,774 | Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again? |
1,775 | Short people are oppressed They're always getting overlooked. |
1,776 | Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't get an asshole until they get married. |
1,777 | I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED] Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought. |
1,778 | Why was the tampon flying down the school hallway? He was late for his next period. |
1,779 | Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written. |
1,780 | At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips! |
1,781 | What did the roadman say when he saw the Mona Lisa? That's a peng ting. |
1,782 | Hey Reddit, What are your favorite jokes? |
1,783 | How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar? If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well. |
1,784 | What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus? nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton. |
1,785 | Who Wears The Old Clothes Of Angela Merkel? Angela Merkel. |
1,786 | I've decided to become a raw carnivore... I guess you can say I'm going cold turkey |
1,787 | I remember the last thing my granddad said before he kicked the bucket. I wonder how far I can kick this bucket? |
1,788 | What is a Freudian slip? When you say one thing but mean your mother. |
1,789 | Why did the chicken cross the road To get to the other side ( ) |
1,790 | My wife came home with a duck under her arm... "This is the pig I've been fucking" she said "That is a duck, not a pig" I replied "I'm not talking to you" |
1,791 | New Girlfriend (56) -- Postponed due to rain NOTICE: New Girlfriend (56) will be made up next Wednesday as part of a double header along with New Girlfriend (57). |
1,792 | My kids can't hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away. |
1,793 | My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears. |
1,794 | A zombie apocalypse would be so much funnier if we started burying people in those fuzzy duck slippers that quack when you walk. |
1,795 | "If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~My son apparently |
1,796 | "I see people." - The Fifth Sense |
1,797 | Orange Soda I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide. It's just Fanta-sea really |
1,798 | Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave? |
1,799 | There's a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad |
1,800 | Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly Now I'm just ugly |