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Maximofn

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short-jokes-dataset

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What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods? The satisfactory.

Hey, having a good conversation with the cashier? Great. Hurry the fuck up. We have lives, sort of.

If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic!

I'd do anything to never be hungover again Except stop drinking

Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

WHat's the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the gas chamber

How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they've invented torches.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequillllaaaa

Your face... ...looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a hammer.

What if the missing plane is still up there? "What?" Did you check the sky? "No." See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.

They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Ali ! Ali who ? Ali-luyah at last you've opened the door !

Boyfriend VS motorbike ufffff. "Full LOL joke" Q: What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend? A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked ZZZZ ... :)

Why was the snowman smiling? He saw the snowblower coming

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! (Credit to the Pythons)

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was *too far out, maaan*.

Let me make an iphone joke Never mind, Ill just come up with a new one

A guy and his dog Guy walks up to his dog and says "I need a divorce" The dog replies "yeah, my wife is a bitch too."

How does a police officer go to the bathroom? Ctrl+C

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse

Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills It was a cut throat competition

Birds A duck walks into a restaurant. After eating a whole meal, he says to the waiter "Just put is on my bill"

Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice? On the average, he was quite comfortable.

Why was the programmer lonely? Off-by-one error. :(

Can you really take sticks and twigs and make them into clothing? Sew it wood seam

If you hold the ocean up to your ear, it sounds just like a sea shell.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. "You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician... "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

I always tell my kids to stay in school... but they keep fucking coming back.

Did you "ask" me or "axe" me? Because seriously...... one is murder.

A man submitted a joke about alligators with ED to a pun competition... But it caiman second.

What can blow your Mind? A Brain Prostitute! (Maybe a repost though I haven't seen it)

I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.!

What kind of dog chases anything red ? A bull dog !

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at 1,000 douchebag tattoos at once.

Ginger Ale tastes so much worse outside an airplane.

What do you call it when Wonder Woman does too many drugs? Heroine overdose

-What do you think I should buy, a cow or a bike? _You'd look pretty funny riding a cow...but you'd look much worst milking a bike

And I thought I had issues. - Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.

Why did the spelling bee champ have to go to rehab? He was hooked on phonics.

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." - me, peeping at you in the shower

I'm obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Whenever someone says "you know who you are," I always wonder if it's me and I don't realize it.

Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other.

The number one problem in the world today is apathy. But who cares?

I bet if a renaissance artist traveled through time to a modern museum, they'd be like: "Uh-oh. Someone leaked my nudes."

Why are spiders good swimmers ? They have webbed feet !

Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals? In his briefcase!

I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

Happy Groundhog Day everybody!!! So put your little hand in mine and there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb...

Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit

I'm like a kid. People like me best when I'm quiet or sleeping.

My attorney likes to earn from my mistakes.

I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.

Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people It was basically one big slow dance.

Mexican joke What do you call a Mexican without a car? Carlos

Why did the boat dock with the all of the other boats? Pier Pressure

I've heard they are re-casting Two and a Half Men with 5 midgets.

What do I call my dick? Steve Harvey because it's rising right now

Almost had a threeseom. All i needed was 2 more girls.

*sees a car with a "how am i driving" bumper sticker* *calls the phone number* ME: buddy i think it's with a steering wheel

Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls.

Wanna hear a joke about Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? I would tell you but its dangerously cheesy.

Parallel lines have so much in common, It's a shame they'll never meet.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

2 snowmen in field, one Turns to the other and says "can you smell carrot?"

A guy tries to save someone's life... He goes to donate blood, but he decided not to. The doctor told him it would be in vein.

We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.

Can Feburary March? No. But April May

What does the Pope use to dry his hands? Papal towels.

Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob? (No- what?) Want to get lunch sometime?

Saying 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing.. .. except when at a funeral.

Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand... ...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.

A builder came up to me. He said, "Do you know how to make a fruit stand?" "Yes," I said. "You just have to balance it on a flat surface."

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.

How do rhinos like their eggs? Poached.

Amy Winehouse's final album was "recorded before her death." Thanks for the clarification.

I have so much pubic hair I can start a cattle ranch

COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"

I asked a Jewish girl for her number... She rolled up her sleeve

Ever heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

Let's talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You're a real piece of shit, Tammy.

You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath... I'll draw it

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular

How do Filipinos count money? One-a two-a three-a four-a another-a ...

[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?

If your mule ate my prize winning bird, what would you have? My 3 foot cock in your ass!

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Do you know what happens when gay marriage is legalized? BREAKING NEWS: California's drought is over. Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners

I farted in church today..... I farted in church today and four people spun around in their seats and looked at me. I felt like I was on the Voice!

There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".

A Buddhist monk walks up to a Hotdog vender and says "Make me one with everything"

You want to know what marriage is like? Think of a prison... Now don't change anything.

Mute goes to a wedding... After the ceremony he won't let go of his dick and everyone's a little put off by his public display. With his free hand, he signs "Speak now or forever hold your peace".

Did you hear about the man trapped in a nun's body? His name is God.