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1,501 | What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them. |
1,502 | Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear. |
1,503 | We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, "Good for him." |
1,504 | Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought: "WE COULD HAVE HAD PARACHUTES?" |
1,505 | Is it a blow job or a blowjob? Fuck I hate writing thank you cards... |
1,506 | Me: I'm having a problem with my computer: IT guy: Have you tried punching it? Me: That's the first thing I tried. I'm not an idiot. |
1,507 | Mary had a little lamb. ...and she was delicious! |
1,508 | I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. |
1,509 | Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly. Edit: an adverb. |
1,510 | Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey! |
1,511 | What does one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches |
1,512 | * Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER! |
1,513 | technically speaking being gay used to make me happy |
1,514 | If George Washington were alive today... he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently. |
1,515 | There was a kidnapping at school! It's ok though, he woke up. |
1,516 | Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking! |
1,517 | What do you call a black lady having an abortion? A hero |
1,518 | Why are toblerones triangular prisms To fit in the box |
1,519 | Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture. So I guess you could say I'm like a child whisperer. |
1,520 | What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded. |
1,521 | A racist man laments... If people gave him $1 for every racist thing he said or done he'd be able to make a small contribution of 1 million dollars to Donald Trump's campaign. |
1,522 | JOHN AND MARY'S SEX DISCOVERY |
1,523 | My dad told a lame joke today I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes. His replay was - I made you didn't I? |
1,524 | Today a girl kissed me I just wish that I could post this in another subreddit :( |
1,525 | Two part joke Q. How does an elephant hide in an apple tree? A. He paints his balls red. Q. What's the loudest sound in Africa? A. Giraffes eating apples. |
1,526 | Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand! |
1,527 | Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry. |
1,528 | What did the testicle say to the other testicle? "Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas! |
1,529 | Don't forget to tell everyone how you love Fridays because we were all wondering how you feel about them. |
1,530 | "C'mon, your relationship isn't *that* serious." - Las Vegas |
1,531 | Never been to the blindfold shooting range? You don't know what you're missing. |
1,532 | After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician. |
1,533 | Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent. |
1,534 | In the news, two nuts walked through Central Park today... One was a salted. |
1,535 | Yo momma is so fat her butt is the butt of every joke. |
1,536 | What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle |
1,537 | Knock knock. Who's there? Bob. Bob who? Bob Jones. |
1,538 | Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree? |
1,539 | Did you hear about the lumberjack who worked overtime? He logged a lot of hours. |
1,540 | I ate everything, including the H. |
1,541 | Boaz must've been one hell of a roaster before he got married. Because he was Ruthless. |
1,542 | Q: What is a 'forum'? A: Two-um plus two-um. |
1,543 | If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut. |
1,544 | How do you start a teddy bear race ? Ready teddy go ! |
1,545 | [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup? |
1,546 | What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent |
1,547 | Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They're over two feet |
1,548 | I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather. They call him the Raining Champion. |
1,549 | What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis |
1,550 | My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up. |
1,551 | Sandpaper I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit. |
1,552 | What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea? Getting the news from your dentist |
1,553 | *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me |
1,554 | The Samsung Galaxy S6... The Samsung Galaxy S6 has a worse memory loss than your grandmother's Alzheimer [First joke, go easy, pretty please?] |
1,555 | What's so good about having sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of them. |
1,556 | I slept in my sons crib last night I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. |
1,557 | What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones. |
1,558 | How much pussy does a Monk get? Nun |
1,559 | What do you call a snail in the sea? A snailor. |
1,560 | Two cosplayers break up... When asked why, one said "I don't know who he is anymore!" |
1,561 | Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent |
1,562 | Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at a captcha or a text from my mom. |
1,563 | I named my eraser Confidence... Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make. |
1,564 | Quitting smoking is really easy... I've done it like 100 times already |
1,565 | I can count on one hand the number of times I've visited Chernobyl... it's 14 |
1,566 | At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible. |
1,567 | What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery. |
1,568 | What did the spy say at the glass beach? *The coast is clear* |
1,569 | My Wife made me choose between her, and my Love of Pointing out Doors "If you want to leave" I told her, "There's the Door" |
1,570 | What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness |
1,571 | Me: So, you come here often? Him: .....we're in my house. |
1,572 | What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick. |
1,573 | My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery. |
1,574 | How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his entire family |
1,575 | Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then |
1,576 | "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother." |
1,577 | My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. |
1,578 | Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around. |
1,579 | The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother. |
1,580 | What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short. |
1,581 | What does a sick deception eat? A bowl of Chicken noodle coupe |
1,582 | Is this the real life? Are you a manatee? Let's beat up french fries I should lay off the LSD |
1,583 | I'm 49 and my girlfriend is 5 months pregnant! What do you guys think we should do? |
1,584 | Two Fish there was two fish in a tank and one of the fish said do you know how to drive this thing BECAUSE THE FISH ARE DRIVEING THE TANK IN A WAR |
1,585 | What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you ! |
1,586 | I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week Needless to say, You need to come early |
1,587 | Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill. |
1,588 | Why is milk so fast? Because it's pasteurized before you see it! |
1,589 | What happened to the trapeze artist that did drugs on the job? He got suspended. |
1,590 | If he can't build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it's a Road Runner cartoon. |
1,591 | i once heard that in the old days, you received a last name based on your profession. if so, what the hell was John Hancock's career? |
1,592 | What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint |
1,593 | How did the man find out his sister was actually his half-sister? He saw her penis |
1,594 | What's Scrooge's favourite food? A humbug'er. |
1,595 | What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns. |
1,596 | Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza! |
1,597 | What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little. |
1,598 | If you want to get your beer cold out in the wilds Look for the cool ants. |
1,599 | Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it's actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us. |
1,600 | Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered. |