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1,601 | I always study the vagina before sex Because I like to know what I'm getting myself into |
1,602 | What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don't know, I just fly the drone. |
1,603 | Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair. |
1,604 | Adrian Veidt's wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman. As she approaches him with angry tears, he says "I did it 35 minutes ago." |
1,605 | A: You look nice today, is that a new shirt and haircut? B: I masturbated yesterday, So I had to clean up afterwards. And one thing lead to another. Hair trimming included. |
1,606 | 4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why? |
1,607 | What do you call a queue of boxers? A punchline. |
1,608 | I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram. |
1,609 | [A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks." |
1,610 | I once tried to write a book about my thoughts But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note. |
1,611 | I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it. |
1,612 | What beer does Sean Connery drink? Grols |
1,613 | If Tom Brady joined Nickelback... They'd become 30 cents. |
1,614 | A Stormtrooper went golfing today He's still on the first hole. |
1,615 | I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down. |
1,616 | Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker. |
1,617 | What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment. |
1,618 | What game do old black people play? Blingo! |
1,619 | A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed. |
1,620 | Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I'm doing |
1,621 | I was on a date. "How many ladies have you slept with?" she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?" She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero." |
1,622 | I think God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a disappointment. |
1,623 | Can I tell you a joke? Your bum broke! hahaha! We loved this lame-ass joke as kids |
1,624 | I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all. |
1,625 | Whats the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. |
1,626 | My friend didn't understand my poorly timed holocaust joke. So he asks me, "What's a holocaust?" And I reply "Oh, about eleven million" |
1,627 | .5% of life is spent with accidental throat bubble Kermit voice. |
1,628 | So all about these girls killing folks because of slenderman..... I guess you could say, they were a victim of anorexic culture |
1,629 | Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he had a hole in one. |
1,630 | Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body |
1,631 | All things in moderation. Unless no one's looking. |
1,632 | I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there's that.... |
1,633 | How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor? ;) |
1,634 | I'm in the middle of hanging myself. The suspense is killing me. |
1,635 | a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker |
1,636 | What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? [NSFW] You don't pay $200 to have a garbanzo on your face |
1,637 | Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights. |
1,638 | Are you Finished? [X-post from Funny] Its a joke/comic thing. This is it--> http://imgur.com/GskWG |
1,639 | Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu... Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck? |
1,640 | You hear the joke about the frenzied mob? It's a riot. |
1,641 | Why did Beethoven never answer the doorbell? They weren't invented yet. |
1,642 | What's brown and sticky? Anal. |
1,643 | Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years. |
1,644 | My favorite book to read on the toilet is "The Shining." It scares the shit outta me. |
1,645 | A friend of ours is practicing baking apple pies. She brings them over to our house and later asks us how we liked it. I tell her "You need more practice." |
1,646 | Another "Priceless" joke. Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover |
1,647 | I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)* |
1,648 | How does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the Peter with a Pan, you'd fly too. |
1,649 | What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts |
1,650 | People say there is power in numbers. Say that to 6 million jews. -Jimmy carr |
1,651 | Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball. |
1,652 | Heroin really messed up my household... All the spoons are missing. |
1,653 | What sits in the middle of the world wide web ? A very very big spider ! |
1,654 | What's long and hard on a black guy? The first grade |
1,655 | Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer. |
1,656 | Why were the sneakers so sad? Because they had ten issues. |
1,657 | My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day |
1,658 | My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. ... She stared at me until I paid her. |
1,659 | I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale. |
1,660 | What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime? Miscarriage of Justice |
1,661 | 'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms |
1,662 | The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. |
1,663 | I think the problem is that I'm 20% stud and 80% muffin. |
1,664 | They said "orange is the new black"... ...but I didn't realise they meant Trump would replace Obama. |
1,665 | I have but one question Why did curiousity kill the cat? |
1,666 | Please make sure "to" put your air quotes around the right words |
1,667 | 40% of North American teens can't even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant |
1,668 | Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school. |
1,669 | A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes. |
1,670 | Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week. |
1,671 | I once met a girl with twelve boobs. Sounds fake, dozen tit? |
1,672 | My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. . . I'm gonna start tomorrow |
1,673 | I bought some vinyl cleaner, just for the record. |
1,674 | The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK. |
1,675 | For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books |
1,676 | TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth That makes very little cents |
1,677 | I like my women like I like my programming languages. Visual and basic |
1,678 | My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain. |
1,679 | What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans |
1,680 | Why does the corn get mad at the farmer? Because he is always pulling on his ears. |
1,681 | What's a toads favourite sweet ? Lollihops ! |
1,682 | Confucius say . . . . Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels. |
1,683 | How do you make rape funny? You force it |
1,684 | My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her |
1,685 | What will the "Red Hot Chili Peppers" become when they die? Ghost Peppers. |
1,686 | Dr: it looks like you've contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together |
1,687 | It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it |
1,688 | I used to have a phone with a really good user interface... ...but someone swiped it. |
1,689 | How do you drown a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole. |
1,690 | Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit? |
1,691 | People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend. |
1,692 | You know how when you're in high school and you get "senioritis" and your brain shuts down? When does it come back on? |
1,693 | I told a joke about noble gasses the other day. There was no reaction. |
1,694 | What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick! |
1,695 | Boy: Our Principal So Stupid Girl:Don't You Know Who i am? Boy: No Girl: I'm The Principal's Daughet. Boy: Do You Know Who i am? Boy: Good (Walks Away) |
1,696 | He used to be Hand Solo Then he gave Leia the D. |
1,697 | During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds. |
1,698 | I'm not on the Atkins Diet. I'm on the Rowan Atkinson Diet... It's all BEANS!! |
1,699 | What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. |
1,700 | What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9? ...I can't even... |