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1,301 | Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*. |
1,302 | HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP |
1,303 | Waiter is there soup on the menu ? No madam I wiped it off ! |
1,304 | Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body. |
1,305 | You know you're too drunk to drive when... The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener. |
1,306 | Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes. |
1,307 | When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?" |
1,308 | I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station? A Whale Way |
1,309 | Why was the band late to their gig? Because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys. |
1,310 | After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things. |
1,311 | Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee" |
1,312 | A guy walked up to my bar. He said, "Can I have a stiff drink?" "Of course," I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey. |
1,313 | The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account. |
1,314 | remember: knives and alcohol don't mix. knives are solid they don't mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot |
1,315 | Tourist in America I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service. |
1,316 | Why do felines always win board games? Because they are cheetahs. |
1,317 | Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first! |
1,318 | What did the sardine call the submarine ? A can of people ! |
1,319 | We could hit every terrorist on the Most Wanted List tomorrow, if we turned it over to Google's ad department. |
1,320 | A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?" |
1,321 | Why does 71 like 68? Because 68 69 70. |
1,322 | It must be Monday somewhere. |
1,323 | Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm. |
1,324 | We're all born with scars. from the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, we all share that same mark... Bellybuttons. |
1,325 | How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb... It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it. |
1,326 | The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence". |
1,327 | *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way |
1,328 | Barbie comes with GI Joe She only fakes it with Ken. Saw plenty of pregnant Barbie jokes in this sub-reddit, but not this one. |
1,329 | The economy is doing really bad... Its so bad that when Bill and Hillary Clinton travel, they have to share a room. |
1,330 | What's the smartest animal on the farm? The farmer (this killed my 12yo brothers) |
1,331 | Why don't north Koreans listen to funk? Cos they've got no Seoul! Thank you very much. |
1,332 | *LIGHTHOUSE* BATMAN - You call? L/HOUSE KEEPER - Shit, not again man. I am so sorry. BATMAN - Dead seagull on the light? LK -*Nods* |
1,333 | I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns. Comet me bro. |
1,334 | What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar? I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there |
1,335 | Tom Cruise Jokes, Anyone? |
1,336 | What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' Catholic |
1,337 | How do mathematicians count x-men? Permutations. |
1,338 | My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. |
1,339 | How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them. |
1,340 | I'm Winston Wolf, I fix problems. So I hear you're having a bad hair day. |
1,341 | What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? [NSFW] I wouldn't pay five hundred dollars to have a lentil on my face. |
1,342 | Monday Morning......Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story. |
1,343 | What the hell is Minecraft? Hitler's lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting. |
1,344 | Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove. |
1,345 | My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch |
1,346 | I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them. |
1,347 | What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis. |
1,348 | 8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom. |
1,349 | What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador |
1,350 | What do you get when you mix triangles with Tumblr? Trigger-Nometry |
1,351 | What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk? A dead bird. |
1,352 | What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too. |
1,353 | Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix. |
1,354 | I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word "Late" on all my papers. |
1,355 | Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently |
1,356 | I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason. |
1,357 | it is hard to b scared of a angry person once u realize that they just wanted to tie a knot but insted of using string they used their arms |
1,358 | What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink |
1,359 | *Sneaks into men's toilets* I HEAR THERE'S CAKE IN HERE |
1,360 | A teacher walks into a bar Guy: can I buy you a drink? Teacher: I don't know, CAN you? |
1,361 | When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs. |
1,362 | A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!" |
1,363 | [interview] Your resume says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right? |
1,364 | What do you call a handful of gravel A palm-o-granite! |
1,365 | Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG |
1,366 | A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away |
1,367 | Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly. |
1,368 | Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge. |
1,369 | Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark. |
1,370 | Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure but certainly rings a bell. |
1,371 | If I win this lottery I'd give half to charity She treated me well at the strip club |
1,372 | I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too. |
1,373 | A Zach Galifinakis-style "impression" joke. The character I'm working on is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN <husky voice>: Alfred... <regular voice>: Ahem... I mean hey Alfred |
1,374 | What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish. |
1,375 | If two pharaohs farted at the same time They would have a toot in common |
1,376 | How did the sad clown smile and laugh again? They told him his wife died recently. |
1,377 | Two cookies were walking across the road... ... one gets hit by a car, the other one says "ah crumbs..." |
1,378 | What's the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway |
1,379 | What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE |
1,380 | A woman in her seventies overhearing that I was a tattoo artist asked if I wanted to see her "rat" tattoo. I said sure. She revealed a bare hip and said "Oh, I guess my pussy must have ate it" |
1,381 | Don't let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani. |
1,382 | I'm in a band called Missing Cat. You've probably seen our posters. |
1,383 | That one. "that one." says a booy. "what do you mean?" says another boy. "oh, i was just answering your question." "what question?" "i already told you." |
1,384 | Are they "haters" or just "people who noticed that you're a dick"? Check again. |
1,385 | What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split! |
1,386 | Need jokes with the same punchline as this. Help! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. |
1,387 | A grasshopper sits at the bar... ...and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?" |
1,388 | Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men. |
1,389 | You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died. |
1,390 | Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery |
1,391 | People tell me that I'm condescending That means I talk down to people |
1,392 | I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar A guy came up to me and said "Your days are numbered" |
1,393 | The Unabomber What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother. |
1,394 | Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour. |
1,395 | Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on. Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies* |
1,396 | "i want to love you, but i have crust issues." -pizza on a date i dont know i hate myself |
1,397 | I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho. |
1,398 | We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots! |
1,399 | Hide a Body? What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google. |
1,400 | Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife "promised" she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I'm livid. |