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15w1lkm | The original post was made by u/Odd-Bug-329 on r/TrueOffMyChest
Mood spoilers: >!frustrating a bit!<
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/14oyi7t/i_cheated_on_my_wife_and_now_shes_cheating_on_me/) \- 03 July 2023
So ya I know I messed up. I (32M)cheated on my wife (29F) 3 years ago. We have been married for 5 years and the 2nd year of our marriage I cheated on her in a drunken fling. She forgave me and we went to marriage counseling, but 3 days ago while my wife was in the shower I went through her phone and found the texts confirming she was cheating. I felt so betrayed so I confronted her after she got out of the shower. She claims that it’s ok because I cheated on her and I set the precedent for allowing infidelity. I told her that my cheating was a 1 time drunken thing and that I haven’t done anything since. I also told her that I don’t know the girl and that she now has a relationship with this guy idk. She got mad and stormed off. She left for work Friday and I haven’t seen her since. I know she’s with him and it hurts. I feel I deserve this but at the same time I want my wife back. What do I do?
UPDATE: Ok wow so a small portion of you were kind and understanding and actually gave good advice, but the rest of you are so rude! So I finally managed to get ahold of her she basically told me it’s over and that she no longer loves me. I managed to track her location and find out who the person she’s cheating on me with and Dave if you read this fuck you! I honestly can’t wait to get divorced now.
​
*OOP's comments are a mess. He insists he hasn't cheated since then and possibly feels like a victim:*
>I’ve done nothing but love her. Why would she hurt me like this?
​
>She forgave me. I really feel bad but also at the same time it wasn’t really my fault it was the alcohol. She has no excuse
​
>I get that I have some blame but after I cheated I’ve been the best husband. I quit drinking for her I don’t go to parties for her I don’t deserve this though
​
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/14w87mg/i_cheated_on_my_wife_and_now_shes_cheating_on_me/) \- 11 Jul 2023
My (32M) wife (29F)hasn’t come home since the day I confronted her so I went to her HR team today with proof that she was cheating with Dave. According to some close friends who work with her when HR pulled her aside after I left. She came out crying and when Dave tried to talk to her she pushed him aside and left for the day. This brings me so much joy. I have to have respect for myself because that guy who cheated three years ago doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve quit drinking got into great shape and haven’t felt better. Obviously the last week has been tough but knowing hers is about to get so much worse brings a smile to my face. Also she’s going to be getting served some time this week. I wish I could be there to see her face. Also it’s a bonus if Dave and her break it off.
​
[UPDATE 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15pknrl/i_cheated_on_my_wife_and_now_shes_cheating_on_me/) \- 13 august 2023
So those who saw my last post know what’s up and you can read it if you don’t but since the last update my soon to be ex wife lost her job, lost her boy toy, and lost a lot of friends. She showed up yesterday asking to talk to which I laughed in her face and shut the door. I know a lot of you think me a monster and a terrible guy but idc what you think. Her world is collapsing and all I can do is laugh. She’s earned and deserves all of it. I know I cheated 3 years ago but she forgave me and I had to learn to love myself again. She had a full blown affair for months on end and she flat out told me she doesn’t love me. I was willing to forgive at first but now after everything no I can’t forgive her. I have to much respect for myself
​
*OOP's last comment on the update:*
> Lol I have very much improved. Why would she lose friends if she was sooo good? Why would she cheat when her job they doesn’t allow it especially with someone in the office? Why is she losing family support? Why’d she lose Dave? I cheated yes but she forgave me and I’ve done a complete 180 from the day I cheated and how does she repay me for the years of change and love and support and the tens of thousands of dollars I spent on her? She has an affair that’s lasted months. I cheated once and already paid for it now it’s her turn .
​
**Reminder I am not OP.** | 2,269 | 2023-08-20T04:40:23 | I cheated on my wife now she is cheating on me | ONGOING | ILikeYourMomAndSis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15w1lkm/i_cheated_on_my_wife_now_she_is_cheating_on_me/ | false | false | [
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15w1uic | I am not the OP, the OP is u/Sure_House_6961I came across this series of post on the parenting subreddit and I was surprised at the fact that people like this even exist. I genuinely hope this is not going the way I think it will end.
Warning: >!Infidelity, Incest !<
[How to deal with daughter watching father-daughter porn?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/14o97ql/how_to_deal_with_daughter_watching_fatherdaughter/) July 1 2023
I need advice on how to deal with this worrying situation for the past week. A week ago I needed to take some picture and so I borrowed my 19 year old daughter's ipad nearby without her permission. While I there I was a little curious about what she does with it so I happened to see her search history. I came across a lot of porn regarding dad-daughter or stepdad stuff. Maybe I am reading too much into it as a guy but now I am doubting myself and my parenting skills as a father.
I feel like we have a pretty good relationship as we always do something fun together every week like window shopping or going to the movies together. My wife just says that my daughter wanting to spend more time with me and being affectionate is just a phase. Although it does seem that she is more affectionate and touchy with me than with my wife. I can't help but now feel awkward and maybe I am reading too much into this, but it seemed like the guys in the porn also looked strangely similar to me in ethnicity and appearance. I have been feeling very uncomfortable around her and making excuses to avoid spending time together this week. I know I can't act like this so I need help figuring how to navigate this situation, or if I am just worrying for no good reason?
[How to navigate stepdaughter \[19F\] confessing her crush to me\[41M\] ?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/14u7qbh/how_to_navigate_stepdaughter_19f_confessing_her/) July 8 2023
A few weeks ago I noticed some questionable adult content my daughter had been watching about older men having sex with their daughters. I was worried about this behavior's so I confronted her with it. I realize that this might make things awkward but I felt like we had a pretty close relationship so it would be easy to talk about what's going on. She was really embarrassed but I told her it is ok as long as there was not underlying trauma or reason. She then admitted having a crush on me and asked me not to tell her mother. I feel even more worried now since I don't want anyone to get hurt in this process and I want to keep our family the way it has been so far. I told her I would need some space to think about all these things and I have spent the past few days avoiding everyone and being stressed out about what happens now. I am confused about what I should do so that nobody is hurt?
TLDR - stepdaughter admitted crush on me and now I feel very stressed about what to do.
[Thinking of having an affair](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/151pnja/thinking_of_having_an_affair/) July 16 2023
I met my wife \[41F\] a few years ago and we spent a while dating. Everything was well in the bedroom and she eventually told me that she had a daughter \[19F\] at a very young age who was in college. I met her last year and she was excited that her mother and I were getting married and since then we have hung out often as a family and with one another. But my wife has now said that we no longer need to be as sexual anymore at our age and that she is tired to have sex. I ended up just trying to ignore this aspect of our intimacy and focus more on other positive things about our family.
A few weeks ago I came across some porn videos that my now step daughter was watching which revealed her daddy kink and when I asked her about this she revealed she had a crush on me. She attempted to kiss me but I backed away telling her that this is wrong. She strongly professed that no one would know and that she would keep it a secret from everyone. Since then I have been avoiding her. I have not told my wife but these past few days I have been thinking of accepting her confession and secretly engaging in this affair with her. I already know that this sounds bad but I don't wish to be in a dead bedroom for the rest of my life either and if there is a way to keep it secretive than I can't help but accept it.
[Romantic ideas when there is large age gap?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AgeGap/comments/15621j8/romantic_ideas_when_there_is_large_age_gap/) July 21 2023
I am \[41m\] who is hooking up with a \[19f\] and we are planning to do a getaway trip for a couple days. I have been trying to figure out what kind of things we could do besides sex that would also be fun and romantic during our small vacation. Since she is younger than me I was also trying to figure out what might be fun and engaging for her as well.
[I cheated on my wife with the person closest to her and I will take this to my grave.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15dw8jj/i_cheated_on_my_wife_with_the_person_closest_to/) July 29 2023
I met my wife a few years ago and we got married last year. She also had a daughter who is in college and was from a previous relationship about 20 years ago. My wife's ex was very abusive and she literally had to run away from him with her daughter and ever since then the two of them had a really good mother-daughter relationship like they are best friends for life. I also thought she was a great person and the three of us hang out quite often as a family. But since our marriage, my wife seemed to have lost her libido and so I have been frustrated sexually in the relationship. Then I happened to find out that her daughter also had feelings for me and I ended up succumbing to those feelings. I made excuses about attending a business conference when in reality I spent the weekend with her daughter. I regret cheating and doing it with the one person my wife trusted the most. But I also can't take what I did back and I know revealing the truth would destroy my wife. Her daughter also wouldn't want to hurt her mother so we have agreed to keep it a secret and came up with rules to keep our infidelity hidden so it is unlikely my wife would ever find out. I did feel really bad at first but I can't confess the truth nor let this destroy me mentally as that would break our family and especially my wife. As long as no one finds out, all of us will live as we have before and that is just how I will have to justify my situation. | 1,854 | 2023-08-20T04:53:29 | OOP cheating on his wife with step daughter and refuses to see his wrongdoings. | ONGOING | Actual_Persimmon_964 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15w1uic/oop_cheating_on_his_wife_with_step_daughter_and/ | false | false | [
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15wevx0 | I am not OOP. OOP is u/Imaginary_Guide8273 on r/AITAH
[AITAH for not wanting to change my clothes for a 4th time thus ruining our date night?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15ibg4o/aitah\_for\_not\_wanting\_to\_change\_my\_clothes\_for\_a) August 4, 2023
So, my husband (37M - let's call him Mark) and I (34F) have been having a rough few years. We got married in the fall of 2019 after being together for 5 years before then, and of course a few months after that the pandemic hit.
I had the misfortune of getting a pretty bad case of Covid near the beginning of the pandemic (was hospitalized for two weeks) which turned into long Covid. I wasn't completely disabled but dealt with a lot of the typical symptoms - extreme fatigue, brain fog, reduced immune system generally resulting in several bad infections, etc. I didn't lose my job but did have to take intermittent FMLA which meant a lot of time without pay, and we racked up $20K in debt between the medical bills not covered by insurance and loss of some of my income. Although I tried to be mindful of my eating, I also gained 45 pounds thanks to being on antidepressants, several rounds of steroid medication, and not being able to exercise. Through all this, Mark was incredibly loving and supportive - he never said a bad word about my weight, lack of energy, or inability to contribute financially at the same level as before.
Finally, last summer I started to feel a lot better, and most of the long Covid symptoms subsided. I was able to return to work full-time, and had energy to work out again. In the past year, we have paid off all our debt and rebuilt our emergency fund, and I have lost 35 of the 45 pounds I gained (my doctor says this is a good place for me to end up, I was borderline underweight before and am now on the slimmer side of a normal/healthy weight).
Mark and I hadn't been having many date nights since we got married between the pandemic, my illness, and then for the past year working to get our finances in order. However, to celebrate my birthday, we decided to have dinner at an upscale bistro and then go see the Barbie movie (he actually suggested the movie). This was last Saturday - my actual birthday wasn't for a few more days but we wanted to go on the weekend. I was excited to dress up as - most of my clothes had gotten baggy and drab during my illness and weight gain but I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I decided to go full Barbiecore - pink sleeveless dress (fitted at the top and then flared out) and pink kitten heels with a matching bag. (The money for the outfit came from a birthday check from my mom - she insisted that I spend it on "something fun.")
When I put on the outfit, I felt really pretty for the first time in a long time...unfortunately and surprisingly, Mark reacted badly to it. He said I looked "slutty" and "attention-seeking" and essentially accused me of trying to get the attention of other men and that I should cover up more. I protested because...first of all...we were going to a restaurant (table for 2) and a movie theater...when exactly was I going to be interacting socially with other men?! Also, the outfit was quite dramatic and striking but it wasn't revealing...sleeveless dresses are pretty normal date night wear for a hot summer day, and it wasn't low-cut (neckline was at the collarbone), and was on the longer side (calf-length). But I didn't want to argue so I put on a black knit cardigan over the dress. Nope, still no dice for Mark, he said it was still attention-seeking.
At this point, I really wanted to get going and not miss our reservation, so I gave up on the dress and changed into fitted jeans and a pastel pink tunic top (not fitted). Nope, said Mark, I still looked like I was trying to attract other men. So I threw on a hoodie over the top but then he said I looked sloppy. I was really exasperated by this point and asked if he just wanted to come to my closet to pick an outfit that was acceptable, and he started yelling that I was too stupid to even understand that I was disrespecting him and that I didn't know how to dress myself. Then he said he was going for a drive and going to the movie without me (the tickets were on his phone).
He came home after midnight, said he didn't want to talk and that he was going to sleep in the guest room. He has barely spoken to me since. My actual birthday was a couple days ago and he didn't even acknowledge it. I begged him to please talk to me and tell me what was really going on but he said he was still too angry.
So, AITAH for not trying to change my clothes yet again before our date for my birthday? I still don't know what he was really upset about or what sort of outfit would have been acceptable. And no, he's never once tried to make rules about what I could wear or commented at all on my clothes except to tell me that I looked nice or that he liked certain colors on me. This really came out of nowhere as far as I can tell. And again he selected the Barbie movie and planned the date so it's not like I was strong-arming him into plans he didn't want.
Comment:
>If my wife asks me ‘does this look ok?’, it’d have to be awful for me to say no. I can’t imagine telling her she looked slutty! She would figure out I thought that because I’d be grinning and making stupid, suggestive jokes! I’d tell him you will wear what you like and if he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem.
Comment:
>Something deeper is going on. Time to have a serious discussion about where you guys are in this relationship. No matter how much my wife were fighting… it would be a truce on a birthday.
Comment:
>He created a situation where it would be impossible for you to have left the house with him, stormed out to go see the Barbie movie 'alone', and didn't come home until after midnight and slept in the guest room. He's cheating and seeing you looking fire that evening probably triggered some realizations that he can't continue to have his cake and eat it too.
[Update: Husband demanded I change clothes multiple times for our date night, then stormed out when I refused after the third time](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15pjp58/update_husband_demanded_i_change_clothes_multiple) August 12, 2023
(Husband was going to take me to dinner and to see the Barbie movie a couple weeks ago, but demanded I change my Barbiecore pink but otherwise modest dress, went through several more iterations of changes that were still not acceptable and then he stormed out, and after that didn't speak to me for close to a week, saying he was too angry to talk about what I did wrong)
As for the update - I did end up going to my mom's place for the weekend last weekend and had a nice girls' weekend with my mom and sister. We did see the movie on Saturday (got to wear my original planned outfit - yay!!!), and then got brunch and had a fun salon outing on Sunday.
Late afternoon Sunday I texted Mark (my husband) to say I was coming home in a couple hours, and that I hoped he would be ready to talk then - that I would gladly hear him out regarding anything that had been upsetting him, but I really couldn't take the silent treatment anymore as it had been over a week by then. He just texted back "Ok."
We did talk after I got home, and...boy, it was a doozy.
It turns out Mark has had building resentment for years, since I first got sick with Covid nearly 3 1/2 years ago now. Not so much in the first few months, but when it was clear my illness had turned into long Covid and an ongoing disability, he started to feel very put-upon due to my not being able to generate as much income, not being able to do my share of the housework and cooking, etc. He put up a good front because he knew it wouldn't be fair to take it out on me, especially when he could see I was doing my best to get better and to do what I could on my better days, but ultimately he got very burned out. And then after a year or so...started seeking outlets, as in other women. He said at first it was just basically anonymous online sexting because the pandemic was still raging, but by early last year he had formed an online emotional connection with someone in the area, whom he eventually met in person for a physical affair, someone he is in love with now and still seeing.
He said he has been trying to figure out what to do, especially as I have been getting better over the past year, lost most of the weight I gained, got back to fulfilling all my responsibilities at work and home, etc., but when I walked out in my Barbiecore dress, expecting to have a romantic birthday date, he just...couldn't do it. He couldn't go out and pretend to love me and be celebratory when he wanted to be with someone else. So he picked a fight, one I couldn't win. And then yes, when he walked out he did take his AP to dinner and the movie instead.
The thing is...I do understand him seeking some kind of an outlet. I was sick for years, and between physical ailments and brain fog I wasn't able to participate consistently in the marriage on any level, not as an equal partner. We'd only been married a few months when I got sick so it's not even like we had a lot of shared history to fall back on. I'm sure he must have felt exhausted, stressed, and lonely, especially as it wasn't certain I would be able to recover at all.
I asked if he would consider marriage counseling and recommitting to our marriage, but he said sadly that his "heart had moved on." He did say he was so sorry, that he never meant to fall in love with someone else and was just trying to be less lonely, and that I didn't deserve this, that I especially didn't deserve the way he treated me a couple weeks ago.
So, I guess divorce it is. I don't expect it will be very dramatic, we've been talking a lot over the past week (no more silent treatment) to figure out how to divide stuff and to try to make things cordial.
In the end, I don't even think he is an AH. Maybe for the way he acted surrounding my birthday, but overall I think he is just a human being who eventually broke down from stress and loneliness. I do wish him well and am also grateful that at least I am healthy again for whatever life has next in store for me.
Comment:
>Your husband is an asshole and has no idea what marriage is actually about.
>I suffered a major injury 6 months after my wedding that required several surgeries and a long recovery. My husband had to do everything because I couldn’t even walk and was on heavy pain medication for almost a year. I mean, he had to help me shower, help me with personal care, things you do not expect to have to do as as newlyweds. I would cry and apologize to him and he would tell me I was ridiculous and this was the “in sickness or in health” part of our marriage and this was what he signed up for.
>We had kids after a long period of infertility and I eventually developed chronic conditions that leave me in pain, with brain fog, severe fatigue, and a lot of anxiety and depression. I even broke down at one point and told him this wasn’t fair to him, that he should be able to be with someone that wasn’t broken forever (I even threw out that I wouldn’t hold it against him if he wanted to take on a mistress even though it would absolutely kill me). That man sat me down and told me that this is what marriage is. We take care of each other at our worst and at our best. We’re partners and friends and he would choose me and our life with all of its ups and downs a million times if it meant he could be with me.
>_That_ is what marriage is. Your husband gave up when shit got hard and I’m sorry but _LIFE_ is hard. When you get married, it should be to the person you want to do the good and the bad with. Do not give your husband a pass because life got hard for a while.
>ETA: First, thank you for the awards. I really didn’t expect this to get this crazy and the notifications are a little overwhelming.
>I’ve seen several comments that my marriage seems unbalanced and in one case, that I’m a “taker” and my husband will probably off himself when he can’t meet my standards. First, please consider being kind to people you don’t know because you have no idea what they have going on. Kindness costs you nothing. Second, this was literally two paragraphs about specific topics I thought the OP needed to hear so she didn’t excuse the way her husband treated her. I’ve been married for almost 20 _years_ and it would take pages and pages for me to go through all the things my husband and I have dealt with over the years.
>I am functional and an active parent and partner in our home. He worked, I took care of our kids including a special needs child and took care of the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Of course we argue and disagree, but we made a pact when we got married to never go to bed angry and we sit down and hash shit out. When he lost his beloved grandma within weeks of me miscarrying our first child, I asked him what he needed from me and gave him everything he asked for. When he lost his mom to COVID and couldn’t be with her when she passed, I took over everything because I could see him falling apart at the idea of having to tell everyone and arrange everything. I build him up every time he struggles with imposter syndrome with his job because the man is brilliant and has no idea.
>Our marriage isn’t a scorecard that we keep tally of who’s doing more. I showed my husband this post and he actually agreed with the person that said a husband doing what he has is setting the bar low because to him, that’s just what marriage is. I’m his to take care of and he’s mine.
OOP:
>>Thank you for sharing your story...I am so sorry to hear about your injury and chronic health conditions. But it sounds like you have a magnificent man there. I hope there is someone out there who can love me that much And you're right, anyone who doesn't isn't worthy of being my spouse.
>>>The fact that he took HIS MISTRESS ON YOUR DATE would send me over the edge. what a complete and total lack of respect- not even counting all the rest he did, including cheating while you were ill. SMDH
>>>I am so sorry OP. I agree with introverted_panda.
>>>I suffered a series of health issues over the last 9 years and my husband never once looked to other women because I was sick or disable to the point of being able to do nothing. (Post concussion syndrome, cancer twice, chemo, heart attack)
>>>I hope you can find the love you deserve.
Another Comment:
>So in sickness and in health truly meant fucking nothing to him? Vows meant nothing?
>You got Covid and it fucked you up for a while and he decided best thing to do was to cheat. What a fucking prick. What would he have done if you got cancer? Or some other illness? Is he only happy to stick around with someone if they are 100% healthy all the time? Thank god you never had kids.
>I’m sorry you’re going through this but fuck that guy.
OOP:
>>Yeah, I do see that now that he was not a good person to share my life with. It would have been far worse to share decades together only to have him cheat/leave if I got cancer or just declined due to age.
>>It hurts a lot right now but I do think I dodged a bullet. And as I said above I'm grateful that I'm physically healthy now, plus we paid off all our debt and built up savings over the past year so I'm starting out my single life in a pretty good place all things considered.
>>>He took his AP to movie and dinner that *you* should have been the one going on, *after* he picked a fight with *you* and made you feel bad about yourself.
>>>Sorry but he has no redeeming qualities. Oh boohoo, he was lonely, while you were *checks notes* fighting for your life. Your ex ain’t shit.
*Editor's Note: is hard to tell if OOP will post again, but the story doesn't seem like it's over, so I marked it ongoing. Let me know if you think differently.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do not go to the original posts and comment on them. | 6,797 | 2023-08-20T15:49:57 | AITAH for not wanting to change my clothes for a 4th time thus ruining our date night? | ONGOING | swtogirl | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wevx0/aitah_for_not_wanting_to_change_my_clothes_for_a/ | false | false | [
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15wpcud | **Reminder, I am NOT OP. This was originally posted by** u/throwawayaye22 **on** r/relationships**.**
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/92wuub/my_boss_24m_is_dating_my_ex_19f_and_now_i_19m/): Posted on July 29, 2018.
My ex and I broke up around four months ago after dating for a little over a year. She was the one who broke up with me but at the time I agreed that it was for the best so we ended things on good terms. We're pretty chill now and we have mutual friends so we often all hang out together. So things between us are chill and friendly.
I work at a research lab at my university and I just recently landed the position after a pretty damn long (and competitive) application/interviewing process. I met my boss, who's a grad student and we became buddies pretty fast. He's a really nice and funny dude that knows what he's doing. I see him everyday since me and two other undergrads work under him and help with his research while he helps use with our own.
Fast forward about two weeks and I see on my ex's snapchat story a fucking picture of my boss with a heart emoji. I'm shocked as fuck so I reply to her story asking her who her new boy is and sure enough she tells me she's dating my boss. I feign happiness for her and I don't tell her that he's my boss or that I know him in any way. But damn, I felt like someone just stabbed me in the heart. I though I didn't have feelings for after our break-up but after seeing her story, I was just hit with a pang of jealousy. Maybe it's because he's a major step-up from me. I'm a poor, disorganized undergrad and and he's a successful, young talent who has his shit together.
The next day at work I'm basically on edge the whole day. I would look at my boss, remember that he's dating my ex and just feel so uncomfortable. The rest of the week was like that too. I stopped joking around with him and kind of just stopped talking in general to him. Now I dread seeing him everyday because the fact that he's my boss, so he orders me around, just makes me feel shittier and more "below" him. He's got the girl and I've got no one. I still love my job though and I worked so hard to get it so I'm not planning on leaving. I also feel like a shitty person since my boss has been nothing less of nice and is honestly, a great guy.
Now I just feel like I should've tried harder in our relationship because damn, she was pretty perfect in every way and I just let is all slip through. The other day, she came over to have lunch with him during his lunch break and I saw them laughing together and yea, another wave of sadness and jealousy.
What do I even do now. How do I stop feeling like this? How should I normalize the situation at work?
TL;DR: My ex started dating my boss at my new job that I worked my ass off to get. Thought I was long over her but when I saw them together, I was hit with so much pain and jealousy. I'm not coping well at work but I'm not going to leave my job. Any suggestions on what I should do at this point?
[UPDATE:](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/94lmrw/update_my_boss_24m_is_dating_my_ex_19f_and_now_i/) Posted on August 4, 2018
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on my first post. For the past week, I've been trying to focus on myself and my work and not care about my ex and my boss who's dating her. It worked pretty well, I started a painting and I'm pretty close to finishing it and I impressed my boss boss (the professor who owns the lab, not the one dating my ex) by staying late for two days in a row to finish a really difficult experiment. During our lab meeting, my boss boss shouted me out in front of the entire lab and said he was really impressed by my hard-work and dedication. That felt good.
As for the situation with my boss and my ex, he found out. Like I mentioned in my previous post, when my ex told me who her new boyfriend was, I didn't mention that he was my boss so neither of them knew. Two days ago, my boss and us (two other undergrads) were in a conference room discussing a paper when my ex came in. She came to drop off my boss's wallet that I think he forgot or something. Anyway, she saw me, did a double-take and went, "Jaaaake?!". She was definitely super surprised and caught off-guard and her boss was already like "wtf" so I was just like, "heeeyy 'Sarah'". She shot me another shocked wide-eyed look and left. Suffice to say the rest of the meeting was pretty awkward.
The next day, it was obvious that my boss now knew our history. Things just turned so awkward. Like he didn't now how to act around me anymore and what to say. Now we're both awkward around each other. He's still nice and all but things are just uncomfortable between us two now. It's not his fault though. I think that things will get better between the two of us but as of right now, I actually feel kind of relieved that he now knows. Something about how both of us now don't know how to act and what to do kind of makes me feel reassured.
"Sarah" also called me the night that she found out I worked there but I missed her call and forgot to call back. It's good though, I've been trying to think of her less and distance myself a bit.
But if things continue to remain really awkward to the point where both of our work is affected, I'll consider talking to my boss boss about switching me to work under another grad student instead.
But yea, that's about all. Again, thanks for the help guys.
TL;DR: Been focusing on myself and my work. Boss found out that I'm his girlfriend's ex and things are now awkward but bearable.
**Notable Comments****: #1**
>I am actually sort of glad you didn’t answer your Ex’s phone call or return it. I cannot imagine, for the life of me, any usefulness to that conversation.
I mean, did she not know anything about the department you were in at school? Or the likelihood of seeing you if she kept her dating pool there?
IMHO, you really demonstrated an ability to be above drama by not immediately telling your boss or Sara about your previous work/romantic relationship.
And i’m super stoked that, instead, you just focused on work and got praised by your boss boss. Good for you!
**OOP's reply:**
>Actually, me too. We're still friends and all but I think I really need to put some distance between us and focus on myself for now. I'm glad I missed the call too.
I applied for the job after we broke up and never mentioned it to her so I guess she never found out.
Thanks for the support!!
**Comment #2:**
>If anything your boss probably feels embarrassed that he’s dating the girl that his 19 year old subordinate dated. That probably feels slightly imasculating to him if he enjoyed feeling powerful over you. The ‘he has got your leftovers’ mentality if you will. Sounds like you are killing it and doing everything right! Keep up the positive attitude and hard work, thanks for the update.
**OOP's reply:**
>Oh damn, I never thought of it that way but that makes sense. But the dude's a nice guy and I don't want to hate on him.
But yea, I honestly don't even know how they met and got together haha. Undergrads are usually pretty separated from all the grad students at our school.
And thank you!
**Comment #3:**
>As a grad student who used to work in a lab as an undergrad, I will add to keep it friendly and professional with your boss, because ultimately he is the one who will be writing your letter of recommendation. PIs rarely ever write letters for lab assistants, typically it’s the graduate student you worked with who does it. So impressing the PI, while awesome and important, still isn’t as important as getting along well with the graduate student.
But you’re handling it all well and I’d bet money that it will all work out and become less awkward with time. I’d even say that with how you’re handling it, come Christmas everything will be back to normal.
**OOP's reply:**
>you're definitely right. I'll be needing his LOC. In the beginning, we were getting along really well and I was probably closest with him out of the team. Now it's definitely more awkward but we'll get past it, I'm sure. I'll continue to be nice and professional and do my best at work.
Thank you for the really good advice!
**Non-OOP's Note: I am flairing this as "Inconclusive" since OOP never updated after this, and we don't know things turned out. I do hope OOP moved on and nothing bad happened between him and his boss as to affect his career. I only wish OOP the best of luck.**
**Again, I am NOT the OP.**
​ | 4,322 | 2023-08-20T22:38:54 | OOP finds out his ex-girlfriend is now dating his boss | INCONCLUSIVE | HygorBohmHubner | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wpcud/oop_finds_out_his_exgirlfriend_is_now_dating_his/ | false | false | [
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15wwhup | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRAdiypain89
**I overheard my boyfriend making fun of the gifts I gave him to his bestfriend. It is making me rethink about our relationship**
**Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Public humiliation!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15mgjav/i_overheard_my_boyfriend_making_fun_of_the_gifts/) **Aug 9, 2023**
I (22f) have been dating my boyfriend (27m) for 4 years now. His birthday was few days ago. I always struggled with giving gifts to him because he is way more financially stable than I am. I am saving up for my post graduation degree so money has been tight now. I decided to be creative about my gifts. I always had interest in arts and DIY projects. My boyfriend likes the stuff I make crocheting. So, I made a crochet doll of both of us hugging. The only expensive thing I got for him was a sunglass which was 50 dollars. Other than that I made a scrapbook of all our pictures together and some boxes filled with love notes. That's all I could afford right now. When he saw those gifts he told me these were the best gifts someone has ever given to him. I never had any indication that he disliked his gifts.
Yesterday, I was with him. My laptop broke down so I borrowed his for a school project. He was logged into his messenger account. I saw a message pop up of his friend 'Becky'. Becky said something about "Please tell me you threw away that hideous doll." I know I am wrong for snooping buy curiosity got the best in me. I saw chats of him and Becky making fun of the gifts I gave him. He called me cheap and grandma because who in this generation makes crochet stuff? It's not like he can use it in real life. He even disliked the sun glasses. Becky was instigating it even more. She had some of the most cruel cruel comments. And my boyfriend was agreeing to it.
I also saw how much he praised Becky for giving him a VR gaming set. I feel like he stabbed me with a knife directly in my heart. Sure my gift was cheap but I spent time making them and organizing them. I did confront him about it. He just said I am being dramatic over a gift. I have never been so hurt in my life. I don't know if what I am feeling is right or not. I am rethinking about our relationship. Like he know the money is tight for me but he claims if I love him enough I would sacrifice a bit just to shower him with gifts. Taking out couple of hundreds of dollars out of my savings just for one time wouldn't have been a big deal. Am I wrong here?
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**jacksonlove3**
>Definitely time to reevaluate this relationship! Him talking shit on you and your gifts was wrong and uncalled for. Especially being together 4 years now. And instead of defending you to his friend, he joined in on the shit talking. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with??
**OOP replied**
>>That's where I am torn. I was not really in a financially better position when I met him. He let me borrow his car countless times. He even paid for some of my stuff when I was jobless during the pandemic. I feel guilty because I cannot give him back the same level of support he has given me.
>>I try to understand his side. I mean in his mind he must be thinking "I had supported her so much but she doesn't show me the same level of support." I am not sure if I am allowed to feel sad about it because it was cheap. His friends gave him gifts that were somewhat expensive from my standard. He must feel humiliated by my gifts.
*
**MastaMissa**
>Did you call you handmade crochet project CHEAP?!?!? How could you say that, as a crocheter I know we can underpriced our work but crocheting CANNOT be replicated by machine. Every SIngle Crochet object has to be made BY HAND! You really need to look online how much crochet amigurumi sell for. I'll give you a hint these "dolls" get paid for by the hour. They are sold so highly because of the expertise and time spent on these precious items.
>If you take 3 hours at minimum wage you're looking at $21, does that seem high? Maybe depending on the person, but a true art enjoyer understands why. Respect yourself and your craft!
**OOP replied**
>I mean it took me like 2 weeks to complete it. I know it is too long but I never had the time. Also the materials were free because my aunt gifted me a new set of crochet materials last year. I don't crochet that often but I do make a lot of handy crafts made from scraps. So, in that sense it is cheap because I didn't buy all the things.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15r1bac/updatei_overheard_my_boyfriend_making_fun_of_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 14, 2023**
I broke up with him. That's it. I know my worth. I have talked to him about my feelings. And he did apologize for being a douche but it wasn't enough. We argued, we fought a lot but the conclusion is that he treated me like shit even after I poured my heart into making those gifts. I asked him why did he praise Becky's gift way more than he did mine, he told me because Becky's gift was way more expensive. I asked him if he was fucking her. He lashed out and screamed at me and said no. I know the truth now. Even if he doesn't say it out loud.
I packed my stuff and left his place. I am staying with a friend of mine. I have been crying a lot. My friends have been really supportive of me. I asked him to give me back the doll because he is not worth having my dolls. I will sell this one and hopefully one day make dolls for someone who appreciates it. I am really sad and lonely now. I really loved him. I pictured our life together. I even drew anime version of us and our future kids. He did try to call me and tell me I am making a huge mistake. All his friend were trying to pursued me to get back together with him. Even that bitch Becky. I blocked all of them.
I guess you can say I got the sweater curse because last year I knit him a sweater and after 1 year we are broken up. I didn't believe in the sweater curse until now haha.
Edit: For those non knitters, sweater curse is a superstition that when a knitter knits a sweater for their significant other, they will break up or divorce within one year. That's a myth as far as I know.
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 7,407 | 2023-08-21T03:58:30 | I overheard my boyfriend making fun of the gifts I gave him to his bestfriend. It is making me rethink about our relationship | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wwhup/i_overheard_my_boyfriend_making_fun_of_the_gifts/ | false | false | [
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15wwio8 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/TobyExe2003
**What do we do with a clients property if they do not honour the contract we have and we hold the property?**
**Originally posted to** r/LegalAdviceUK
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/15eh52q/what_do_we_do_with_a_clients_property_if_they_do/) **July 31, 2023**
My hobby is restoring guitars, and I work the occasional Saturday in a music shop. We took in a pretty battered but rare American guitar for restoration a few months ago. The guitar was rare and but in very poor condition. Once restored it should have been worth 4-5 times the value. The customer said he wanted to sell it once the restore had been done.
It was an unusual job and the shop owner agreed with the customer that he and I would take 50% of the uplifted value once restored as a fee for the restoration and commission on the sale. He signed a contract and we took it in.
As normal I photographed the guitar all over to and did some research about its provenance. Turns out it was owned by a famous musician and we let the customer know in case he just wanted it returned. He told us in an email to continue with the restore.
I worked on it and restored it to a state that made it a good instrument again but kept the weathered nature of the body so that it looked like the guitar in the photos I found of it being used. I cleaned up the signs of neglect and was pretty happy with the result.
Because of its providence we asked an auction house to value it and they came back with a value up to 10 times our original estimate unrestored and up to 50 times as it was now.
The customer now wants us to give the guitar back to him and pay us for the restoration based on the original estimates. We have refused and have asked for half its appraised increase or for half the increase in value its to be sold on the open market. The auction house we contacted are confident in the new appraisal and say it might go for even more at auction.
He has sent us a registered letter demanding its return for a nominal payment. We are pretty sure that our contract is valid, and so is the auction house, but what are the legalities of keeping the guitar until this is sorted out or do we have to give it back to him in its restored state and risk taking him to court over our loss?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/15r4itk/update_what_do_we_do_with_a_clients_property_if/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 14, 2023**
Update: the guitar is now back with it’s rightful owners and we were paid a reward by the musicians management company/insurance.
After a little back and forth we contacted the artist in question to establish authenticity. The guitar in question had gone missing many years before during a European leg of a tour. They provided evidence that it was stolen during the tour.
After taking advice we flew to US and handed the guitar back to the artist in question in person before watching the show from backstage.
Reward money covered our travel costs, but the concert experience was priceless.
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**christorino**
>Why can't you tell us who it is?
>Also how or why did the original guy even sign a contract to let yous take a % after restoration. Is that normal for all guitars you do? I'd have imagined you'd just charge a few for doing it. Or was it because when you seen the guitar yous knew it was worth that? Or simply because the original guy who brought to you wanted it restored for selling?
**OOP replied**
>>NDA signed now
>>Originally he bought it in to sell, I said it would make more if it were restored, he didn't have money to pay for restore and we would not buy restored version as the margins too low to resell. Seemed a logical deal at time.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 2,594 | 2023-08-21T03:59:39 | What do we do with a clients property if they do not honour the contract we have and we hold the property? | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wwio8/what_do_we_do_with_a_clients_property_if_they_do/ | false | false | [
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15wwivk | **I am not the OP. Original post is by** u/Sapphire_Trash **in** r/TrueOffMyChest
TW: >!Infidelity, self-harm, attempted suicide!<
Mood Spoiler: >!Frustrating, depressing!<
\~\~\~
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/14ujx29/my_ex_best_friend_attempted_to_take_her_life/) \- Jul. 8, 2023
**My ex best friend attempted to take her life.**
And I don't care. I haven't reached out. She slept with my boyfriend behind my back. We're both 20 F and we've been friends since Reception (4-5 years old, UK thing). She was my sister, my rock, we stood by each other through everything. When my parents divorced she was there to offer a shoulder for me to cry on. When her grandmother died, I was there keeping her afloat throughout high school.
I'd been dating my boyfriend (21M) for about 3 years. We started dating in sixth form (A version of UK college) and he was my first serious relationship. I introduced him to my family, he was many of my firsts. He was sweet, a little awkward being a gamer guy, but he treated me to date nights and always made me feel special. Maybe this is me being young and dumb, but I thought I'd marry this guy someday. This was something I told my best friend.
Well, about a month ago while my boyfriend was in the shower, I saw a text notification pop up on his phone. We look at each other's notifications all the time so I grabbed his phone to see it. It was from her. Asking if they were still on for tonight and if she should wear his favourite dress. He told me he was hanging out with friends and going drinking. Him going drinking with friends wasn't unusual so I never thought anything of it, but in hindsight I wonder how much of him going out was with friends and how much of it was going out with her.
I saved screenshots of their conversations. I sent them to myself. I show him the messages when he came out of the bathroom and demanded he explained himself about them. I couldn't contain how upset and angry and hurt I was. An argument ensued where I told him he was disgusting and I left his place. Shortly after arriving home, I started getting bombarded with calls and texts from my best friend. I answered none of her calls, I couldn't stomach hearing her voice but her texts ranged from: 'She never meant to hurt me. My boyfriend hit on her first. It didn't mean anything.' Then it got angry, saying I should hear her out. If I was a real friend, I would take her calls. I'm being petty and childish for not listening to her side. Then back to sad, saying I was her closest friend in the world and she didn't want to lose me. My boyfriend was strangely quiet during this time.
After a few days I got myself together enough to send them both messages. Maybe it was cowardly, but I didn't have the strength to call them. I told my now ex boyfriend that we were done and I won't give cheaters any chances with me. He responded by trying to call me, but after the 3rd or 4th attempt, he gave up. He sent me a final message saying it wasn't that big of a deal, that they'd just fooled around, but agreeing he didn't want to date me anymore. My ex best friend was more persistent after I told her I wanted nothing to do with her.
Day after day I'd get messages and calls from her. Demanding to talk. Demanding we resolve this. Demanding I not say anything to anyone. Saying she's stopped seeing him. Saying she'll kill herself if I don't talk to her. Really fucked up shit. I ended up confiding to a mutual friend about what was going on because I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was being a bitch. This friend reassured me that my feelings were justified, however, I wasn't expecting this friend to spread around what happened. The gossip spread like wildfire and a few days ago my ex best friend tried to take her life. I said nothing. I haven't visited her in the hospital. I haven't sent any messages to her family.
Now her older sister keeps messaging me, telling me I'm a heartless bitch for leaving her at her lowest. For not trying to prevent this and that everyone makes mistakes, and that her sister didn't intentionally hurt me.Maybe it does make me a heartless bitch, but I don't care. I'm relieved she survived, but I'll never forgive her. I'll never forgive her betrayal. She destroyed our friendship when she slept with my boyfriend.
\~\~\~
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15r2pd0/update_my_ex_best_friend_attempted_to_take_her/) \- Aug. 14, 2023
**Update: My ex best friend attempted to take her life.**
Hey again. It's been a while. First I want to thank everyone for all of their comments and support. In hindsight, I know now I wasn't being a bitch but in the moment when I was being bombarded by texts and calls from her family, it's hard not to let those thoughts mess with your head. I didn't know if I was going to post an update but some things have happened, so this might get a little long. Sorry!
Giving fake names, ex-BFF is 'Nicky'. Her older sister is 'Tammy'. Ex-BF is 'Josh'. I'll name anyone relevant as I go.
So I mentioned in a comment that my Mum wanted to speak to me later that day. I had a few replies warning me that she would try to pressure me into forgiving Nicky and they were right. She came over to my Dad's that evening and wanted a conversation in private.
She asked if I'd spoken to Nicky yet. I said no. She asked if I was going to. I said no. I was trying to be as firm as possible because I knew what she was about to do. She asked "don't you think you should?" My response was: "No? I don't see why I should, I sent her a final message almost a month ago." This is where things began to really go south in the conversation.
Mum: Love, she's in the hospital right now. She needs all the support she can get, you're meant to be her friend. I didn't even know about her condition until her mother called me.
Me: Really? I'm meant to be her friend after she slept with Josh behind my back? I didn't say anything about her because I didn't want to talk about her.
Mum: Are you really going to onto a silly grudge? I understand she hurt you, but she's hurting so much more right now, love.
Me: She's hurting??
Mum: Yes, you both are. I raised you to be a kind, forgiving person. Why can't you forgive her?
Me: What? Like how Dad should've forgiven you?
This wasn't my finest moment. I didn't bring it up before because it wasn't relevant but the reason why my parents divorced was due to infidelity on Mum's end. And it wasn't only a one time thing (not that it matters even if it had been), but my Mum always believed Dad should've just forgiven her. I admit this was a low blow from me and the conversation spiralled into an argument from there with both of us saying some not so kind things to each other. Eventually I decided the conversation was over because we were just going around in circles and heading into yelling territory, so I told her to leave and I'll try talking to her again when we've both calmed down. When she was leaving, she made said this:
"I hope you're not as cruel as your father."
I'm typically not an angry person, but this infuriated and hurt me. I lived 50-50 between my parents. They both made sure I had everything I could need or want, but she felt her situation and struggles were undeserved. Dad never helped with bills or payments that didn't involve me. She expected more. Cheaters always do.
I didn't say anything when she left, I just blocked her number and social media accounts and cried. She cared more about the girl who had hurt her daughter than said daughter. She realised pretty quick what had happened and came back the next day but Dad told her I didn't want to talk to her (true) and she had to leave. It took maybe half an hour before she finally left. The new few days she kept trying to reach me through other people, but I stayed silent. The Friday after my post, I decided I felt calm enough to talk to her and unblocked her. We spoke over the phone which wasn't as exciting as above. Basically it was her apologising and telling me she was wrong for trying to force me to forgive Nicky, that she'll respect my decision but tried to suggest I think about it. I very firmly told her I was not forgiving Nicky. She just said okay.
Things didn't really feel the same with us. I couldn't bring myself to be as chatty with her as I was before and it didn't help that she kept giving me updates about Nicky. The first time she did it, she told me Nicky had been put on a 72 hour psych hold, assessed and eventually released. I told her I didn't want any updates on Nicky's situation. I won't stop her from checking in, but I didn't want to be involved. She complained and said she thought I'd want to visit her, but I threatened to block her again if she kept pushing and she shut up.
Nothing was mentioned about Nicky for a couple of weeks before Mum again broke my boundary and brought her up. Telling me about how Josh had stopped talking to her and how Nicky needed a shoulder to cry on. I again told her I didn't want to know and this was her last chance not to bring her up or I would cut her from my life. She complained again but eventually promised it wouldn't happen again. Maybe I should have learned from my mistakes because I know my mother. She doesn't take 'no' for an answer.
It was really quiet for a while. My friends and I had all basically carried on from what happened and even though I know a couple of them still occasionally talk to Nicky, they never bring her up around me or tell her (I hope) how I'm doing. I thought I could finally close this chapter on my life, but nope. Today my mother called me and asked if I wanted to get lunch. I hadn't seen her in a while, so what was the harm? I head to the Wetherspoons we planned to eat at and who do I find sitting with my Mum? Nicky and her sister Tammy. As soon as Nicky sees me, she gets up and tries to hug me but I just raise a hand and take a step back, and this girl has the audacity to look upset. Mum immediately knows she's fucked up because she's scrambling with all of the excuses. "It hurts to see you two fall apart like this, you were so close!" "I thought you'd forgive her by now." and my favourite, "She made a mistake, she misses you."
During this time, Nicky has been quiet and I can see Tammy's glaring at me. I'm just...so fucking angry and upset. I honestly didn't think she'd pull something like this. I wanted to leave and cry but I looked at Nicky and said, "For someone who's made a 'mistake', she sure hasn't apologised for it, yet." She had this guilty look on her face and muttered something about me having her blocked and having no way to. I said, "Is that really all you have to say?" and she just looked at me confused.
I was done. I turned to leave and her sister started yelling after me, saying that I owed Nicky a second chance with all the trauma I put her through. While Nicky was begging me to just listen to her and talk to her. I told them all to fuck off and never contact me again and left. I managed to get out of there before Tammy started a fight and went home where I sent my Mum a text a while ago telling her she'd better lose my number because she no longer has a spot in my life. Then I blocked her and just...cried. My Dad's been doing his best to comfort me, but it just hurts so bad that my own mother did this to me.
So that's where things are at right now. I'll update if anything else happens, but this whole situation really fucking sucks.
\~\~\~
**Reminder - I am NOT the original poster. Don't forget that commenting on the original posts is not allowed.** | 9,053 | 2023-08-21T03:59:57 | My ex best friend attempted to take her life. | ONGOING | SJDude13 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wwivk/my_ex_best_friend_attempted_to_take_her_life/ | false | false | [
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15wwj2p | **I am not the OP. Original post is by** u/PriorPut3300 **in** r/TrueOffMyChest **and** r/bisexual
TW: >!References to homophobic messages OOP received!<
Mood Spoiler >!Wholesome marriage, self-discovery!<
\~\~\~
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15lttv4/im_gay_and_my_wife_doesnt_know/) \- Aug. 08, 2023
**I'm gay and my wife doesn't know**
My wife and I have been together 9 years, married for 7. But I know that I'm gay.
I've never been attracted to another woman other than her, but I've been attracted to lots of men. I've never been in a sexual relationship with a man but if I wasn't with my wife, I know I would be. My preferences when I'm 'by myself' have only ever been over men lol
But it's strange - my wife is my soulmate in the most absolute sense. It doesn't matter that she's a woman, I'm so in love with her mind and her heart and her as a human being that she could literally be in any body and I would love and worship her. Even being with her sexually is incredible because it's her. I know this makes no sense and that's why I can't tell her. She would think she isn't enough because she isn't a man. But she's the other half of my soul and I could never ever hurt her or be without her. I think every inch of her body is beautiful and she lights me up like no other human ever could.
She completes me and I know I won't need to be with anyone else, but I know no one will believe that. Is it possible to be gay-except-one-woman? If so that's what I am lol
Edit: I realise now w I'm probably on the bisexual spectrum somewhere instead and I'm content with that, I don't really need a label! Oh and to those calling me a pervert, a degenerate, a fetishist etc for being attracted to men... I suggest you try replacing the hate in your heart with love. It's worked out very well for me.
\~\~\~
**Relevant Comments:**
*I view as sexuality as a spectrum. You might be bi in that you're 99% gay and 1% straight and your wife ignited the 1%. As long as you're happy with your wife, and she is with you, that's what matters* [(Source)](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15lttv4/comment/jvcp39r/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
OOP's Response:
*Hijacking this top comment to say thank you to everyone who has shared their own personal experiences, it's good to know that this is seemingly more common than I thought! It makes me think I need to focus less on labels and more on how fortunate I am to have my wife and her love* [(Source)](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15lttv4/comment/jvd9r8g/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
\~\~\~
[Second Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/comments/15ludsm/is_there_an_identity_for_what_i_am/) (in r/bisexual) - Aug. 8, 2023
**Is there an identity for what I am?**
I secretly identify as a gay man (or at least that's what I have thought up until now) but I have a wife. We've been together 9 years.
I've never been attracted to another woman other than her, but I've been attracted to lots of men. I've never been with a man but if I wasn't with my wife, I know I would be. My preferences when I'm 'by myself' are men.
But with my wife it's always been different. It's never mattered that she's a woman because I love her mind and her heart so much, she is my soulmate. And so I find her body attractive and beautiful and we've always had a very fulfilling sexual relationship.
But I feel like this makes no sense and if I tell her that I'm 99% sure I'm gay then she'll think I want to leave her or cheat on her. But I don't whatsoever, I only want her. She is my absolute world and I am so in love with her and so attracted to her.
Is there a sexuality that is like... gay but except one woman? Or like bi but specifically where the gender doesn't matter in one instance?
\~\~\~
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15qp4yz/update_im_gay_and_my_wife_doesnt_know/) \- Aug. 14, 2023
**UPDATE: I'm gay and my wife doesn't know**
TLDR: I told her
So after I posted here last week I did a lot of research and I'm fairly certain I'm bisexual with a strong physical preference for men, but demisexual when it comes to women. I've never had deep feelings for anyone except my wife, male or female, but when I met her and started to develop those feelings, the physical attraction strongly followed. I obviously don't plan on ever finding out if it would be the same with other women! (Nor do I plan on being with men, despite what some people said)
Either way, these labels don't really matter in themselves because I won't be exploring it, but I did decide I wanted to tell my wife and they helped me articulate it.
So I sort of blurted it all out to her over the weekend. I told her I'm probably bisexual/demisexual, and initially wasn't sure whether to tell her she's the only woman I've ever been sexually attracted to but I did in the end. I told her my love for her wasn't defined by her gender, but that she's my soulmate and I'm truly in love with her heart, her mind and her body.
Those of you who said she probably knew more than I thought were right. She was sort of surprised but not entirely. She said she assumed I wasn't straight because she "had a vibe" (not sure what that means!) and she'd noticed I'd never talked about how other women were attractive. I think she was surprised that my preference other than her skews so significantly towards men, but she knows I don't want to pursue it so she said it doesn't matter.
She also told me she thinks she's on the bisexual spectrum too somewhere herself, though likewise has no plans to explore it. But it's such a relief to have it all out in the open with her. I told her I'd be more than happy to go to therapy with her if she wants help processing, and she's said that's not necessary right now but it's good to know it's an option in future.
Thank you to everyone who left kind and critical but constructive messages (and no thank you to the homophobes). Looks like everything will be ok!
\~\~\~
*Note: Marked as concluded, since he talked it out with his wife. Really enjoyed this one, I hope things work out for them!*
**Reminder - I am NOT the original poster. Don't forget that commenting on the original posts is not allowed.** | 7,127 | 2023-08-21T04:00:11 | I'm gay and my wife doesn't know | CONCLUDED | SJDude13 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wwj2p/im_gay_and_my_wife_doesnt_know/ | false | false | [
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15wwxi6 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Throwratroncat](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwratroncat/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
I added some paragraph breaks for readability.
**Trigger Warning:** >!child neglect; parentification!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!distressing !<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15q8dpk/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby_brother/)**: August 13, 2023**
I (F 16) graduated high school in June. Yes, I graduated early. My mom, is currently 8 months pregnant and she just had my (half) baby brother Ben, in October of 2021, so he's almost 2. My (full blood) brother Sam (M 14) was with our dad, who lives 8 hours away, all summer, and just got back two days ago.
My stepfather works, so for most of the day, it is just me, my mom, and Ben. I am with Ben in the morning for 2 hours. During this time, I feed him breakfast, change his diaper, and play with him. I also make my mom coffee and breakfast. My mom sleeps during this time. She wakes up around 9:30 and eats breakfast. Around 10, I walk my dog. When I get back, I put Ben to sleep. My mom plays on her PC during this time.
When Ben wakes up, I make his lunch and she feeds him. Then, I have to take him outside to walk him. Then, I have to take him to water the plants. I have to fetch whatever my mom needs since she can't go up and down the stairs.
On top of doing all this, I had two online classes I was taking. I also had a sick dog I was taking care of. With Sam gone, most of the house chores fell on me. It's a lot to handle. I never complained about any of it.I don't know if it's the pregnancy, but my mom has been extremely mean. It only takes her 5 minutes after seeing me to start complaining about something I didn't do/did wrong. She constantly calls me lazy and compares me to kids my age who have driver's licenses/jobs. These are things I want, but I literally do not have the time to because of all my jobs at home.
This summer, I wanted to go to see my brother and dad just for a week because I miss them. My mom said no because I had to take care of my dog. Fair, I guess. I used to go downtown to the library and she said I can't go anymore because I didn't do \[insert chore\] or she needs someone to help with Ben. Right. I wanted to take myself to the movies. No. I want to go to the fair with my brother Sam. No.
Yesterday was college orientation. Not only did she text me while I was there complaining about me not telling her we ran out of dishwasher pods, but when I got home, she ranted at me for 20 minutes about how I always ditch my responsibilities.
School starts tomorrow and I'm so exhausted and sad. I wanted this to be a fun summer. After yelling at me and then telling me to go buy dishwasher pods last night, my mom made me tell her what was making me so upset. I told her I wasn't ready to share it but she threatened to take away my computer (which I paid for and also need for college) so I did. I told her I was tired of doing everything for her, that I felt underappreciated, and that she and Ben ruined my summer. She said she was more than capable of taking care of Ben on her own and sent me to bed. It's the next day and she won't talk to me. She also won't let me help with Ben. I am a little relieved because it's been a long time since I've had time to myself, but I also feel sort of bad. AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Who is the mom here?*
"My baby brother calls me Mom now so honestly maybe I am the mother lol"
*Can you go live with your dad?*
"I've never lived with him before since she has full custody but he said I'm always welcome"
"Living with my dad probably won't be an option because of how far he lives. I've also mentioned it before and she shot it down immediately"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwratroncat/comments/15rdqcw/update_aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby/)**: August 14, 2023 (Next Day)**
Hi so first I want to say thank you so much for all of the attention and support I've gotten. It feels so good to have people say good things about me for once. Here's the link to my 1st post [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15q8dpk/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_mom\_she\_and\_my\_baby\_brother/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15q8dpk/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby_brother/)
Basically, I'm a 16-year-old high school graduate and my pregnant mother is putting a lot of household responsibilities (including taking care of my 22-month-old brother) on me.
After reading your comments, I've realized a lot. I always knew my mom was a little verbally abusive but you guys helped me see how bad it actually is. I am not supposed to have these many responsibilities at my age and my mom is trying to make me feel otherwise by manipulating me. Her mother is a narcissist (worse than my own mom if you can imagine) and extremely manipulative. Her father has ADD and BPD, so I know for a fact she has inherited some of this behavior from them.
Per your suggestions, I have decided to look into emancipation. In the meantime, I will get my things in order to be able to back myself up. I am looking for a job through my college and I am going to study to get my permit. If I'm able to get my permit this month, I can have my license by February.
I agree that I do need to get out of the house ASAP, but it will most likely be after the new baby is born, unfortunately. I am also deciding where I should live. I'm leaning toward my grandfather because he lives on the other side of the country, and he is at least extremely supportive of me and won't expect me to be his slave.
A lot of you wanted me to move in with my father, but I'm sorry to say he's not the savior you guys want him to be. He and my mother divorced when I was five, but we've never all been a family. I would see him maybe a few times a month, and now we speak once a month if that. He is by no means my dad, just a friend I check in with monthly who happened to get my mom pregnant.
Here's what's happened since I posted. My mom kicked me out of my bathroom and is now making me share with my brother because apparently, I am not able to keep it clean. Mind you, everyone uses this bathroom and she constantly tells me that it's not just my bathroom but of course I am the only one responsible for cleaning it. She has found a way to control my devices through some app that uses wifi to control them. I've gotten three 15-minute rants about how irresponsible I am. I will no longer fight her and just stick to my plan of getting out ASAP. I have switched all my college classes to online as well so I can get up and leave when the time comes.
I am done. Thank you guys so much for the support. Hopefully, when you hear from me again, I'll be out of this house. I want to be a lawyer, I know I can do it. Who knew I could get so much support from Reddit :) | 6,021 | 2023-08-21T04:19:27 | AITA for telling my mom she and my baby brother ruined my summer? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wwxi6/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby_brother/ | false | false | [
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15wx5w3 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Future-Ad3175](https://www.reddit.com/user/Future-Ad3175/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and her own page.
**Trigger Warning:** >!destruction of property; possibly false SA allegations; homophobia!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!honestly pretty nuts!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15pxg9v/aita_for_not_locking_the_door_while_my_housemate/)**: August 13, 2023**
I(22f) and my housemate "Lily" (22f) have been living together for a year and 4 months.
Today I went to go hang out with my friends around 1PM. Lily was in the shower at the time so I knocked on the bathroom door and told her I was heading out to which she replied "okay" and I left.
When I got home she came down the stairs as soon as I was in the door and started shouting at me for not locking the door, saying anyone could have come in. She had already been in the shower for about 15 mins when I left so I figured she would only have been a couple more minutes and it never even occurred to me that someone would lock the door while in the shower anyway. I told her that since we rarely get visitors that it was unlikely someone would have entered the house without permission in the few minutes she was in the bathroom.
She said I clearly didn't respect her privacy and stormed off into her room and has been given me the silent treatment ever since (this happened yesterday).
I think she's overreacting but the fact that a usually chatty person has stopped talking to me is making me think I may be in the wrong. I asked my friends and they all think it's normal not to lock the door but they are all guys so idk if it's different. So AITA?
**ETA:** A lot of people are saying to always lock the door for safety. Usually she doesn't like the door locked as she goes outside to smoke a lot. When we first moved in I had to convince her to lock the door at night.
**ETA 2:** I think it may be important to clarify I have no problem with locking the door and will apologise later, I'm just concerned as she got more upset than I have ever seen her and I don't want this to damage our relationship. I am also going to make sure that we share all the boundaries we have so there are no more situations like this.
**ETA 3:** A couple of people have been confused by her attitude towards lock so I thought I would give some more context. If it were up to her the door would be unlocked all night while we are asleep so she wouldn't have to unlock it to go smoke. I have locked it when leaving while she is in the house before (earlier in our living together) and she got pissed at me for locking it while she is home
Since posting this I've overheard some of her calls and comments as she walks about and it seems like this is going to get a bit dramatic ( I've heard her talking to people about possibly getting me kicked out and also talking to what i presume is her boyfriend (I heard his name) about coming over and moving my stuff). I thought my post was gonna be mundane so I wasn't going to do much editing of the post but if anyone is curious about what happens or has advice (The comments have taught me what i did was serious but i'm not sure I can be kicked out over it ) pls let me know.
**ETA 4:** May have caused some confusion in the comments. I have been reffering to it as the "front door" which to me it is. In all my groups we have always called the front door the one that you use however the door I mean is actually our back door into the garden. The real front door is always locked and blocked by a bookshelf. I know this changes nothing I just didnt want to correct all my comments. After some new stuff I think I will make an update post soon when I know everything.
I understand that the situation of showering is different now and i was stupid not to lock it anyway. Any time she enters the room now I have been trying to apologise but I get as far as saying "Hey I really am sorry can we maybe talk about" before she walks out calling me insults and slurs.
***Relevant Comments:***
*More info from OOP on what the boyfriend is doing:*
"Her bf is here, he's not touching my stuff but he keeps putting things in my room. I have friends over and am safe. We've checked contracts and she can't do anything to get rid of me without speaking to my landlord (who I have told everything thing to). Probably I will make an update post when I know what is happening."
"They have been putting paint and boxes in my room its very weird and they are offering no explanation."
*Have you moved those things OUT of your room?*
"I have moved it out several times. They haven't been in again since me and my friends moved to my room (we were in the kitchen before)."
"I moved the boxes to the hall between our rooms. There's no emergency contact for the landlord but I'm sure he will see soon."
*Where do you live?*
"I live in the Uk and the area has a low crime rate. From the argument we had when she came in I had interpreted her anyone as someone we knew or similar as she's never been especially house safety conscious (I had to convince her to lock the door at night)"
*Could this be a ploy to get you out?*
"I'm not sure if it was planned or not but she is acting very out of character as I've never seen her this invested in anything. As far as me and my friends can tell I am safe by our contracts but we are also theorizing shes acting like this to maybe give me a reason to leave myself. Unfortunately this place is far too convenient and affordable to leave over an annoying housemate so I'm really hoping this will all blow over."
***OOP is voted YTA but that's only based on the top comment. Most of the response is mixed.***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Future-Ad3175/comments/15r2j91/update_to_aita_for_not_locking_the_door_while_my/)**: August 14, 2023 (Next Day)**
Posting here as I saw someone else say this is the best way to make an update post
I'd just like to thank everyone in the comments of my post for educating me on various safety issues I'd described which I will definitely be fixing ( locking the door all the time and I have already moved the bookshelf). Also thankyou for all the advice as you'll see I used a lot of it.
To catch up anyone who didn't read all the comments I added on the last post (there were so many), I got some of my friends to come over incase her and her bf tried anything. We picked apart the contracts we had and found that I was completely safe from being kicked out and that my housemate may have actually violated some terms. Her bf did show up and they kept putting paint and boxes in my room but wouldn't speak to us and she just yelled insults as she had done when I tried to apologise.
So it turns out this was a very different situation and as many of you had guessed it was not about the locks. I had to get up early and go to work this morning so all of the following crazy stuff happened in the past few hours.
I come home from work and immediately check my room as I'd been anxious about leaving it all day unsupervised (I have not yet got a lock). When I got there, my things were broken, covered in paint, ripped up etc. I took pictures and sent them straight to our landlord and emailed them to myself and friends so I had copies.
My friends were there with me so I felt comfortable going to my housemates room and opening her door to ask her about it ( I was mad but I didn't step inside her room). She wasn't there but the boyfriend was. He was crying and told me he was so sorry and he didn't realise what he was enabling her to do when he brought her the stuff. I asked him if he could maybe calmly explain it all to me and if he would be okay with me and my friend recording the conversation. He said yes.
Apparently this WAS planned although not exactly how it turned out. but first the context for why os needed. Again as many of you guessed, she did want the bf to move in but at first was just gonna ask if I was cool with it and that would be it, he moves in and we have a new roomie, until about a week ago. She had friends over one night (I was home but upstairs in my room) and they were getting drunk and playing truth or dare. "Lily" somehow got to asking one of the other girls (who was interested in women) if she thought her or me was hotter and the friend said me.
From that point Lily was scared to have her bf move in with me still in the house incase he changed his mind about which one of us he liked. So she waited til she saw me getting ready to leave and hopped in the shower. She had assumed that I would have locked the door and would've been able to get mad at me about it again, assuming I would argue for the door being locked. When this didn't happen she switched up her plan (as far as I'm aware her opinion on locking hasn't changed as according to her bf she was complaining about me always wanting the door locked last night). She asked him to bring over paint (gloss so it won't come out of anything easy) but didn't tell him what it was for ( he has texts between them that showed she never told him why). She was also letting me overhear the conversation yesterday to try and scare me out. She was going to use the paint to wreck my room as she has done then say I did it to try and make me seem crazy and unsafe to live with (that's why the paint and boxes kept entering my room as she was hoping to be able to record me moving them out).
Her bf left in the morning as well to go to work but called in on his lunch break to catch her wrecking the room. They had a big fight and apparently have broken up. He was very confused so he tried to get in contact with her friends and one or two of them spilled all of this to him ( he showed me texts to prove that he had gotten these answers from people). Apparently she has a past of doing things like this and is meant to be on medication but IDK if any of that is true as we can only know from what the friends told us. They also said she might like unlocked doors because she has once in the past "robbed" her own stuff and claimed someone broke in before confessing. Again this is all info from the friends so I can't be certain but I have photos of all the texts.
She is currently hiding out at her brother's place. The bf only knows this because after asking around to check if she is okay, her brother's wife told him she was with them. We asked the brother's wife if she knew anything about Lily's past but she said other than the occasional episode she has been told of she doesn't know and will ask the brother when she is home.
Knowing that this could be some kind of disorder I didn't want to put too much pressure on Lily so I texted her :
"Hey Lily, I have seen what you have done to my room, I'm not going to get the police involved yet but can we talk and work something out. Maybe you help me with replacing the stuff that is broken. Also I've done some research and you are right. I should lock the door when we can't be aware of it and I think we need to discuss a new locking routine".
She responded calling me various insults like freak, whore and the f slur (I'm straight but a lot of people mistake me as being lesbian as I'm a tomboy with only guy friends). She says I'm trying to steal her bf to add to my "collection". She is also blowing up at the bf for betraying her and using her to get to me. The bf has told me and her that he has 0 interest in me and that until this afternoon he thought she was perfect and that he loves her.
She's not calming down, or even willing to talk without insults. I'm thinking of going to the police tomorrow but she is currently saying that she will tell everyone that the bf SA her. I told her if that was true I would 100% take her seriously but I needed her to say it to me calmly so I know I fully understand what she is saying. She said it doesn't matter if it's true cause she knows he would have of it meant he could get to me. At this point the bf started crying again and said that he would never do anything to hurt her and that the two of them hadn't even slept together yet. So I don't want to escalate things any further incase she starts making serious accusations against anyone ( usually I would believe her straight away but her recent actions, her phrasing of "it doesn't matter if it's true" and just how heated she is, I don't want to jump to conclusions. I also think it's suspicious that she said she'd only do it if we talked to the police. And who knows she could start accusing me and my friends of things too).
The friends that ratted her out also warned that me and the bf should go places she can't find us as she has in the past assaulted them and tried to hit an ex with her car. The bf is going to hang out at his mates and while I won't be hiding anywhere, multiple friends will be staying with me over the next few nights as we try and work all this out.
Thank you to everyone who's read and honestly whether you said NTA or YTA or whatever most of it has been educating. If anything major happens I'll update more and from the sounds of her past it probably will but hopefully not.
This has been a crazy experience and its not even over but I think a big lesson learned is safety first, lock the door. | 3,277 | 2023-08-21T04:31:37 | AITA for not locking the door while my housemate was in the shower? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wx5w3/aita_for_not_locking_the_door_while_my_housemate/ | false | false | [
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15x5mer | Originally posted by u/secret_anonymous12 in r/AmItheAsshole on July 20, '23 updated on July 23, '23.
Trigger Warning: >!Step parents/siblings, custody issues!<
**[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155bc4z/aita_for_saying_i_would_stay_at_my_moms_if_i_had/)**
July 20, '23
**AITA for saying I would stay at my moms if I had to share a room with babies?**
I’m 16f. My parents split up before I was born, custody is I live with my dad most of the time and my mom every other weekend (plus random staying with her if I want) Recently, my dad got engaged to “Hanna”, and she and her kids are moving in. Hanna’s kids ages are: 9, 7, 2, 2, 2. She is widowed, so they live with her full time.
This made room arrangements a bit awkward, since there’s only 3 kids bedrooms to go around. Dad and Hanna talked it over last night (without consulting anybody) and Hanna came over this morning to announce with my dad what they decided. Apparently, they want 9 and 7 to each have their own rooms, and me to share with the triplets because my room is significantly bigger than the others “and I don’t stay there full time”.
I said their plan was stupid, they wanted me to share with 3 toddlers. They said they didn’t want me to move but it was the biggest room so other people should share. I said I didn’t care if I switched rooms, because the more logical move would have been the triplets in the big room, 7 and 9 share, and I get my own (I said I’d take the smallest one) until I move out. They said it would be more work to move my things to another room, and their idea was more “practical”. Then asked why I was so pressed since I don’t even live here full time.
I said not staying in the room four days a month was a sorry excuse to land me with a bunch of toddlers, and if they seriously planned on doing it to me I’d make the custody arrangement change and I’d stay with mom for the most part (I know she doesn’t mind because both of them remind me I could stay with her whenever I wanted).
This made Hanna cry because she just wants her family to blend together nicely and apparently I was ruining her plans. This made dad mad at me and Im not allowed to talk to Hanna until she forgives me. I didn’t know this meant so much to them but I’m still saying I’ll stay with mom longer if I have to share with toddlers,but my dad made me feel a bit guilty so AITA?
UPDATE: I’m at my moms house at least for the weekend while the adults ‘try to work things out’ but my mom said I was welcome to live with her full time and if I really wanted we could change the custody agreement. :) Also thank you for all the replies I really wasn’t expecting this to blow up as much as it did lol
*Judgment: Not The Asshole*
**[Update](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/155bc4z/aita_for_saying_i_would_stay_at_my_moms_if_i_had/)**
July 23, '23 - 3 days later (dated via reveddit)
**UPDATE 2**
(because somehow I’m still getting responses to this?):
Everyone talked, but dad and Hanna are staying with their decision and I’ve decided to move to my moms long term, and we’re gonna switch the custody around (so I’ll only see my dad every other weekend) and I’m just gonna sleep on the couch when I’m there. Obviously nothing is set yet but that’s what we’re gonna do, and thanks everyone for being so nice haha
*Flairing this concluded as they have made a decision to alter the custody agreement*
**Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.** | 8,996 | 2023-08-21T12:00:31 | AITA for saying I would stay at my moms if I had to share a room with babies? | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15x5mer/aita_for_saying_i_would_stay_at_my_moms_if_i_had/ | false | false | [
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15xbsrn | Fun Fact To Cover Spoilers: Jupiter also has rings. However, they are very difficult to see and are made of dust instead of ice and rock like Saturn's rings are. Jupiter also has dozens of moons in its orbit.
Content Warning:>! Underage Drug Use, Injury, Antisemitism, Attempted Theft!<
Mood Spoilers: >!Amusing, Frustrating, No Actual Conclusion!<
*I am not the OOP, that would be* u/legomanian89 *who posted these on* r/StoriesAboutKevin
\-
[**My boss' stepson is a Kevin to end all Kevins.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/9tuddk/my_boss_stepson_is_a_kevin_to_end_all_kevins/) **(Originally Posted November 3rd, 2018)**
So just over a year ago I switched jobs and went to work for a guy (Bob) who is running a new/used aquarium shop. The shop was built onto his house, so as a result I've become pretty close with his family, including his 15-year-old stepson, who is the most Kevin person I've ever met. For the first couple months, I thought he was just a bit quirky and clumsy, but as I've come to know him more, I've discovered that he is a Kevin of the highest order. Now, I've known some dumb teenagers in my time. Hell, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Just in the year that I've known him:
* He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto.
* He cannot climb a flight of stairs without tripping up them. This is a multiple-times-a-day occurrence.
* He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk-sock. He went to the school nurse that day because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock.
* He wants to be the first pro-Trump rapper, and is currently pissed off at Kanye for stealing his idea.
* He's failing gym class. I have no idea how one fails gym class.
* He has broken more than 20 aquariums in the last year. When we buy used tanks, they need washed and leak-tested before we resell them. Kevin sometimes does this to help out, but can't understand that when you wrap the hose around an aquarium, you can't just yank it free. For reference, I've been in the aquarium hobby for 12 years and I've broken 2. He's not allowed to clean tanks any more.
* Bob was selling an older fairly-good-condition Cadillac that had been sitting in his driveway for a while. The day before the buyer came to pick it up, Kevin was mowing the yard and scraped the handle of the mower along the entire length of one side of the car.
* He likes to use "Jew" as an insult. When I called him out on it, I discovered that he thought that Jewish people didn't actually exist. He thought that they were an imaginary race of people that everyone pretended to hate.
* He played lacrosse on his school's team this summer, and got benched all season because he told the coach that he didn't need to run laps or go to practice. This is probably why he's failing gym class.
* He left in the morning like normal to go catch the bus. 3 hours later, he came back saying that he missed the bus, and he needed to be driven to school. The problem? It was Labor Day. There was no school. He stood at the bus stop for 3 hours on a day when there was no school.
* He eats absolutely everything in sight. If you leave food unattended for more than 10 seconds, it's gone. Bob went to Taco Bell and got food for the four of us. Kevin was left alone with it and ate his, mine, Bob's, and half of his mom's food before he realized that it probably wasn't all for him.
* When he found out that I'm a chilehead, he bragged for a week about how he loved super spicy food too. He then tried a glob of my Exhorresco (after I warned him repeatedly not to) and spent the next two hours crying and blaming me.
* We've been gradually remodeling the house when we're not working in the store. Kevin's bedroom was the first room we finished. He managed to put a hole in the wall on the first day he moved in.
* One day, completely out of the blue, he asked me "I know girls don't have a penis, but is there just like a hole beneath their belly button where a penis would be?".
* Bob told Kevin to wash the truck one day earlier this year. Kevin thought he'd be helpful and wash out the fuel tank as well. With water.
* His school lets him rent a tablet for schoolwork. He got it taken away within a week because he was using it for porn. I assume he wanted to find out if girls had a hole where a penis should be.
* His parents signed him up for tutoring to help with his grades. Turns out, all the tutoring in the world won't help your grades if you never turn in your homework. He was under the impression that homework was optional. Also, he routinely falls asleep in class.
* He thought that fish were just very active plants. Yes, really.
* He managed to tip over and dump the contents of the trash can he was taking it out to the roadside to be picked up. Rather than pick up the mess, he just kicked it around and spread it out across the yard, in hopes that it would be less noticeable if the mess was less concentrated.
I know there's more I'm forgetting and I'll edit this post as I remember them, or as Kevin gives me more material.
I'll just leave you with this tidbit: Kevin starts driving in 3 months. May the gods have mercy on us all.
**Edit #1:** To everyone wondering if Kevin has some kind of undiagnosed mental health issues, I suppose it's possible, but it seems more like just a severe lack of common sense than anything else. I've never met his biological dad, but from what I've learned from his mom, he's one of those people who is habitually unemployed, yet spends all day bitching about how immigrants and minorities are a drain on society. I'm hoping Kevin will eventually grow out of his Kevin-ness and not follow in his dad's footsteps.
*OOP Then Provided Further Updates On The Original Post*
**Edit #2 November 10, 2018:** A couple more! One just happened this week, the other apparently happened a couple months ago and Bob just told me about it.
* Kevin decided he was going to practice his "blacksmithing" by removing the leaf catcher bag from the lawnmower and bending the shit out of the metal frame. He then realized after the fact that he was probably going to get in trouble for ruining the leaf catcher, so he decided to burn the bag and throw the frame in the trash. Bob found out, of course, and Kevin has spent the last week complaining about how tedious it is to manually rake the leaves out of the yard.
* Kevin discovered that you can take things apart with a screwdriver, and decided to disassemble the blender with his newfound knowledge. He took the entire thing apart and had no idea how to put it back together again, so he left the pieces all over the counter. When his parents asked him why he did it, he first denied that it was him, and then claimed that the blender just randomly fell apart for no reason.
**Edit #3 April 12, 2019:** Since this is getting a bit of attention today, here's an update on how Kevin's 2019 has been so far.
* Kevin has not started driving yet, and he likely won't for at least another year. Bob bought him an old Jeep that needed repairs before it was driveable, and Kevin managed to knock one of the side mirrors off with his bicycle. I have no idea how.
* Kevin has decided to start writing a fantasy novel, and in a moment of weakness, I volunteered to be his beta reader. He then told me that it's going to be an "erotic orc fiction with swords".
* He was making a grilled cheese sandwich and decided to experiment and put peanut butter on it. He burned the peanut butter, set off the smoke alarm, ate half of it, gagged, threw it in the trash, then dug it out of the trash and ate the rest.
* He isn't allowed to have a cell phone because he is still failing a number of classes and he is too easily distracted by technology. So he's been going to Wal-Mart and buying the cheapest phone they have and hiding it from his parents. The problem is that he hides it in his pocket and doesn't know how to silence ringtones. He's had at least three phones taken away from him.
* He got a blunt from one of his friends at school, smoked it, and then told his parents that the smell was his new cologne.
\-
[**My boss' stepson is a Kevin to end all Kevins: Part II.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/cmq3mn/my_boss_stepson_is_a_kevin_to_end_all_kevins_part/) **(Originally Posted August 6th, 2019)**
I’m back with more stories of the now-16-years-old uber-Kevin. For those that aren’t familiar, here’s the link to the original post. If you haven't seen this post yet, do yourself a favor and read it first before continuing here. You'll thank yourself for it later.
I’ve been at this job for close to two years now, and not a week goes by where I don’t hear stories from Bob (my boss, Kevin’s step-dad) or Ann (Kevin’s mom). To be honest, I don’t know why they share these things with me because it’s really none of my business, but I’m not about to stop them because it’s truly fascinating what Kevin manages to accomplish.
I still get the occasional message about him from various redditors here, so I’ll address the three most popular points first.
* He’s still not driving, nor will he be anytime soon. His parents decided that putting him behind the wheel of a two-ton machine could end with them accused of war crimes, so they told him that he wasn’t allowed to take a driving test until he gets his grades up. We’re safe for the foreseeable future.
* He apparently lost interest in the “erotic orc fiction with swords” that he was writing. He’s writing a new book now that involves a shape-changing weapon and the apocalyptic wrath of God. That’s all I know, and I’m not volunteering to beta-read this one.
* His parents have had him tested for autism and various other things, and so far it’s all come back negative other than mild ADHD. He’s on a medication for it. Whether he actually takes those meds is up for debate. I’m sticking with my initial analysis of borderline-malicious laziness and a stunning lack of common sense.
Given that he’s not driving anytime soon, he’s been using his bicycle as his primary means of transportation, and that’s going about as well as you’d expect.
* He was riding his bike through town and went into a store, came back out and saw that his bike had been stolen. His mom had to come pick him up, but by the time she arrived, he realized that he had just forgotten what his bike looked like and it hadn’t been stolen after all.
* A week later, his bike was actually stolen. He has a bike lock, he just didn’t think it was necessary.
* His biological dad bought him a new bike to replace the stolen one. He’s blown out the rear wheel three times, broken the seat twice, the chain twice, and completely smashed the rear wheel rim, just since the middle of May.
* Since his second bike is now in shambles, he asked Bob and Ann if he could borrow their bikes. Bob said hell no, Ann said sure. Kevin managed to snap the rear axle and somehow broke the rear cassette.
I gotta say, I’m almost envious of Kevin as his life is never dull. All I can do is enjoy his Kevin-ness by proxy, and thank my lucky stars that he’s not my kid.
* He “borrowed” the magnets from half a dozen coral frag racks we sell, and promptly forgot where he left them. They’re useless without the magnets. We had to order more.
* He found one of Bob’s power drills and drilled a bunch of holes in a support beam for the porch.
* He dumped an entire 12oz can of fish food into one of the tanks. This was at the end of the day and we didn’t notice until the next morning. The entire shop smelled like roadkill. He’s not allowed in the store any more.
* He got a job as a dishwasher at a nearby restaurant and was told to not come back after a week because he had broken so many dishes.
* He shot himself in the leg with a pellet rifle because he wanted to know what it felt like to get shot, because “that’s what thugs do”. (He was fine)
* He broke a plastic lawn chair, and decided to burn it to destroy the evidence. He got found out when the fire pit began belching acrid black smoke everywhere.
* He went to a week-long youth group retreat a few hours away and forgot to pack any clean clothes. Ann had to drive all the way there with clothes for him. According to Ann, she had packed clothes for him, but he left them all behind because he didn’t think he needed them.
* He tried to shotgun a can of soda. He managed to spray himself in the face. He tried again the next day with the same results.
* Bob bought a 150 gallon pre-formed above-ground pond to keep goldfish in during the warmer months. Kevin sat on the side and broke it.
* Kevin was bragging to his classmates that he had stolen drugs from his biological dad during a visit and would share them after school that day. A teacher overheard, he got in all sorts of trouble and had the drugs confiscated. They were fish oil capsules.
* In the last post, I mentioned how he had been buying cheap cell phones and unsuccessfully hiding them, despite being grounded from technology for failing all of his classes. His parents finally broke down and bought him a very basic flip phone that he could use for calling purposes only. He sold it at a pawn shop.
* He absolutely refuses to brush his teeth. His parents bought him an electric toothbrush, thinking that he might like it better than a manual one. He lost it.
* He got banned from the local comic book shop for spilling Mountain Dew everywhere.
* He decided he was going to cook a pork chop on the stove. He forgot about it and nearly caught the house on fire. Bob had cooked the pork chops the night before, and apparently Kevin thought that once the meat gets cold, it somehow reverts to being raw and needs cooked again.
* Lately, he’s been reading all kinds of survival books. He claims he wants to spend a year roughing it in the Canadian wilderness. I’m fairly certain he couldn’t even find Canada on a map.
* He’s absolutely convinced that standing in front of a microwave while it’s running will sterilize you. He goes as far as to retreat to the next room while he’s nuking his food.
His parents bought a truck a few states away, and they decided to take a long weekend to go pick it up, leaving myself and Matt (a coworker) to handle the store in that time. No problem, right? Except that they left Kevin at home as well, with a rather long list of explicitly articulated Do’s and Do Not’s that he was expected to follow. They would have had better luck convincing a whale to spontaneously evolve into an elephant. He tried to use this parental reprieve to do everything he wanted without consequences.
* He tried to get into the store’s cash drawer. I had the key with me at all times, and even told me that Bob was okay with him taking cash out of the drawer once in a while (he isn’t, obviously).
* He had a fire roaring in the grill, a shop-vac blowing air into the coals, and was trying to melt a metal rod in the heat while using winter gloves to insulate himself. He claimed he was blacksmithing (again). I promptly shut it down before he caught the house or himself on fire.
* I went to the store’s garage to look for something. Kevin was there, and loudly announced “I’m not doing anything”. I hadn’t asked. I still have no idea what he was up to.
* Kevin announced to Matt and I that he was having friends over that night to smoke weed, take pills, and whatnot. I said not a chance. I called Bob. He said abso-fucking-lutely not. I told Kevin, and he said “his parents didn’t have to know”. He tried to bribe me with a few grams of weed. I turned him down.
* Matt stayed the night at the house, more to keep an eye on Kevin than anything else. Kevin invited his friends over anyway, they filled the house with weed smoke and threatened Matt when he confronted them. Matt called me, then called Bob. Bob called the next-door neighbor who came over and stormed into Kevin’s room, scaring the shit out of Kevin and his buddies. He then tried to bribe Matt with a few grams of weed as well. Matt also turned him down.
* Kevin and his buddies then tried to hide in the garage after the neighbor left. Matt found them when one of them knocked over a small aquarium and broke it, and they ran out through the back door.
Bob and Ann skipped half of the plans they had and came home early. Needless to say, Kevin is in a world of trouble.
**Edit:** Improved formatting a bit.
**Edit 2, Aug 21 2019:** A quick update on his shenanigans over the last couple weeks
* He got a job at Dairy Queen and got fired after a week "for not maintaining a professional demeanor". That's retail-speak for "he can't keep his mouth shut around the customers".
* His bike got stolen. Again. He failed to lock it up while at work. Again. He's now on bike #3 this year, and he's already damaged the rear rim twice and bent a part of the frame. I still have no idea how one person can be so hard on a bike.
* He sliced a finger open because he tried to touch the non-serrated side of a band saw blade. While it was running. His reasoning was that he didn't think it would hurt because that side of the blade isn't sharp.
**Edit 3, November 20, 2019:** Kevin is still Kevining it up. Here are the highlights since the last update.
* He's working at Taco Bell, and got written up because he was purposely making orders wrong. He was leaving off the tomatoes because he doesn't like tomatoes, and didn't think anyone else liked them either.
* He lost his cellphone. According to Bob, this is the 13th, yes 13th, phone Kevin has lost this year.
* He got busted for trying to buy cigarettes at a convenience store (he's 2 years too young to buy them legally). The manager of the store knows Bob and Ann, so he called them to let them know. Kevin got in trouble. He's tried to buy cigarettes from the same store two more times since then, with similar results.
* Autumn hit us like Brannigan's Law, and all the leaves fell at once. Kevin was supposed to mow them into the lawn, but he put it off for a week, and an early snowstorm dumped 16" on us. It soon melted, the leaves remained and were now soaked, and Kevin was told that he had to rake them now, rather than mow them. He tried to mow them anyway and clogged the mower, then tried to hide the mower, and told Bob he couldn't find the rake.
* Speaking of mowers, earlier in the year when he was supposed to mow the yard, he decided he'd rather not. Bob and I watched him open a bottle of water, pour it into the mower's gas tank, then try to start it up. After a minute of trying and failing to start the thing, he came in and told Bob that "oh darn, the mower won't start, guess I can't mow today after all". Bob wasn't amused.
**Edit 4, February 5, 2020:** Last update here before this post gets archived.
* Kevin is currently taking driver's ed, one of those do-it-at-home internet classes. He's required to have so many hours of class time, and he's discovered that if he starts the lesson and lets it play while he does anything else, it counts as class time. Shockingly, he's failed the tests at the end thrice now. Ann planned to take him to get his permit this week, and after he got a whopping 12% on his final test, she decided that it may not have been the best idea.
* He announced to me that he's been learning all about our government and once he turned 18, he wanted to run for an office. May the gods have mercy on our souls.
\-
*Marked as ongoing for hope that OOP gives more updates on how this Kevin is doing.* | 6,936 | 2023-08-21T16:02:33 | My boss' stepson is a Kevin to end all Kevins. | ONGOING | boru_posts | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xbsrn/my_boss_stepson_is_a_kevin_to_end_all_kevins/ | false | false | [
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15xd8zb | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/the-secret-history in r/GradSchool.**
trigger warnings: >!unwanted sexual advances, sexual harrassment, victim blaming, rape!<
mood spoilers: >!frustrating!<
---
[**Professor kissed me and I don’t know what to do**](https://www.reddit.com/r/GradSchool/comments/cco7zs/professor_kissed_me_and_i_dont_know_what_to_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - July 13, 2019
So, I am a 24F who just finished her masters. My program involves a third year teaching fellowship following the completion of the degree, so while I’m technically no longer a student, I’m still in the program and am now an employee of my school.
This summer, I’ve been working at an academic summer camp on a different campus, and one of my graduate school professors (we’ll call him John; he’s a 67M) also lives here year-round; he just flies to the city where he teaches every week. An expensive and senseless commute, but anyway...I ran into him in town last week and he said if I had a day off we should get together for dinner. I immediately accepted; I’ve had dinner alone with John twice before, as he always takes out the grad students one-on-one. As first-years, my female friends and I initially found his invitations strange, but we ultimately decided he was harmless. We’d all been out with him alone and nothing strange had ever happened. He’s a very talkative guy who usually spent the first twenty minutes of class asking us about our lives, so we decided he was just really friendly.
So, a few nights ago we had dinner. It was fine, same as usual: he asked a few questions about my summer but mostly talked about himself. He’s always been this way—a bit self-obsessed and so garrulous it’s hard to get a word in during conversation. We mostly talked about the grad program and our respective summer travels abroad. Innocent conversation, nothing weird.
When we left, we walked down the sidewalk together until we had to go in different directions. I thanked him for dinner, moved to turn around, and he surprised me by pulling me into a hug and giving me a long, loud kiss on the cheek. At first I thought it was kind of funny, maybe just a European affectation he decided to use since we’d been talking about travel, but after a few minutes I began to feel kind of grossed out. I’m not especially close to this professor. I had two classes with him and that’s it. I tried to imagine the scenario with different people, with one of my other male professors or with me and one of my male students, and it seemed to me that what happened was wildly inappropriate. John has never done anything like that in the city where our university is, not to me or any of the girls in my cohort, so I feel like being far away made him bold. He knew no one else was around and he could get away with crossing some boundaries.
Am I overthinking this? Was he just saying goodbye? I’ve certainly had people kiss me on the cheek as a greeting, but they’ve all been older females and it’s always been just a quick peck, never a loud, wet smooch. And it’s usually not embarrassing; there were people around, and as I walked away they definitely gave me weird looks. My friends in my cohort said John definitely crossed a line and that if I want to reach out to him and say what he did was not okay, that would be totally reasonable. My mom, who can sometimes have old fashioned attitudes about assault and harassment, was 100% on my side and said he was taking advantage of me.
So. I’m not sure where to go from here. If my program were actually over, I’d just let it go, but I’m going to be teaching there another year and will be around this professor at department events. I’ll definitely see him less than usual, but that’s not the point. Our program is predominantly female, and I can’t help but wonder if I ought to say something to somebody else in power. But then I’d feel embarrassed—it’s not like he did anything overtly sexual. But at the same time, I’ve been working through some childhood sexual abuse stuff this past year and am at a point where anyone even touching me is upsetting. Obviously John couldn’t have known this, but I’m worried that if I complain and say I was genuinely upset by this incident, that whoever handles the incident will want to know why I was so upset by what could’ve just been an overly zealous goodbye.
I have no idea what to do. I’ve felt nauseated ever since it happened and the more I think about it, the madder I get. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.
Edit: want to make it clear that before this incident, the professor had not ever hugged me before, so that wasn’t something we ever did.
Another edit: I won’t be back on campus until late August.
Update: per university protocol, I filled out a sexual harassment form. Will keep you all posted if something comes of it.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>It sounds like a weird situation to be in. Personally I would visit the guy in his office for 5 minutes, door open... Just say you felt uncomfortable about the kiss and that you’d appreciate avoiding unnecessary physical contact. Tell him you are sure he meant no harm by it, but you that it made you uncomfortable.
>
>If he profusely apologizes, then accept it and hopefully try to move on.
>
>If he tried to stand up for himself blah blah was just a peck or whatever, then I would personally take action.
>
>This would help me understand his character. And how I think I should proceed.
>
>I always give people the benefit of doubt. He’s an old guy and in academia and you graduated and is european. None of these things make it ok to make you uncomfortable, but I think getting a better understanding of his intentions and character will make you more comfortable and less guilty with however you decide to proceed.
>
>I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way or as insensitive. I understand events like this are very stressful for individuals. I hope this at least gives you some ideas.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>No, that definitely makes sense! I may have worded things weirdly, but he’s not European; he just lived in France for a while and we had been talking about Europe.
>>>**User 2:** *(negative score)*
>>>
>>>Take a look at the Wikipedia article about [cheek kissing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheek_kissing) to better understand the culture around it. It's generally used to indicate friendship, in similar way of hugging. The guy had probably picked up some social customs that are common in Central and Southern Europe, but can be awkward in United States, and that freaked you out a bit.
>>>>**User 3:**
>>>>
>>>>I lived in a country with the cheek-kissing and one without. It is not how you describe in any way. Etiquette involves a light peck or just making the sound of the kiss without actual contact. You don't make contact unless you really know the person well, and even then it's like it is in countries without cheek-kissing in it being a sign of fairly sincere affection.
>>>>
>>>>This cheek-kissing is too much.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>If it upset you, and made you uncomfortable, then it's not okay. It doesn't matter if it was some cultural custom (it's not usually a surprise wet kiss either with Europeans, it's the little pecks with Americans; most Europeans just give air kisses to Americans to be respectful of our customs).
>
>I would find someone else in the department that you are closer to (it sounds like there definitely are people above him on your trust list) and talk to them about it. This wasn't the worst thing that could have happened by any means, but that still doesn't make it okay.
>
>You don't have to be the one to talk to him about it, in fact I think you shouldn't. The dynamic between you two is out of sync and with your history it's not worth the stress.
>
>Its going to be okay, go talk to a mentor that you trust ❤️
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Thank you for this. I’m not sure who to go to. Pretty sure this professor is head of the department; it’s either him or his ex-wife, which would be an extremely weird conversation. He actually cheated on her, so...
>>
>>The best person, I think, would be my advisor, but I’m hesitant because he is a man. He’s a lot younger and I think he would be sympathetic, but I’m worried he may not respond the way I want and that it’ll ruin my working relationship with him. There’s a young female prof who I know would be on my side, but I’ve only been in her class once, and I don’t want to put her in an awkward position since she’s only been here for a year.
>>>**Deleted user:**
>>>
>>>Could you talk to your advisor and bring some of the other female students in your cohort? We did that with someone in my department last year. Having a group of people would help convince your advisor it's an issue (much easier to dismiss one woman than a group of them) and help give you the confidence to talk to them.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>That’s a good idea. I won’t be back on campus until late August so do you think it’s okay to wait that long?
>>>>>**Deleted user:**
>>>>>
>>>>>I think that's fine. It's neither an incident that needs immediate action nor something that won't be relevant in a couple months. In the meantime, keep your head up! I hope the response on here is enough to convince you that you're not overreacting by being upset about it.
>>>
>>>**User 3:**
>>>
>>>Does your campus have an organization that deals with sexual harassment incedents (often associated with health services or whatever). I know at my school you can go talk to them for advice and help, but they won't go to HR or the police without your permission.
>>>
>>>Best wishes. I hope you find the right solution.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>We do have a department that handles this stuff, so I’m going to file a complaint with them. My school actually requires us to go through official channels and not confront the perpetrator.
>>>>>**User 4:**
>>>>>
>>>>>At my title 9 training, I had to tell them my wife was a student on campus. Same Department, but not the same program. Dude should know better, and he may know better.
>>>>>
>>>>>He could be a predator, or he could have been seized by some weird impulse. Either way you don't deserve to feel uncomfortable.
**Comment:**
>**Deleted user:**
>
>My former PhD supervisor was a sex pest. It started with dinners in town and a kiss on the cheek, rose to him asking me to be his mistress, and, following my rejection, ended with him raping me at a writing retreat.
>
>To be clear, I'm not saying your professor will behave this way, but forcing a student into a hug and kiss is serious behaviour and I really think that you need to take action. I know reporting is scary (having been through it) but I really think this is a breach of code of conduct. Please don't feel pressured to do anything you are comfortable doing, but I strongly recommend that you call HR and report it. He is required to comply with university code of conduct and HR has a duty of care to ensure all staff comply.
>
>Reporting this is shitty and hard, but, if you are not only the victim, it will be tremendously valuable to others (past and future) if you are not complicit.
>
>The best advice I ever heard was: if he is standing in the way of your career, and he knows it, it's fucking wrong. Don't let him take advantage of your vulnerability.
>>**User 2:**
>>
>>I hope your supervisor is in prison.
>>
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>I’m really glad you shared this. I sent a message to a girl I know who was in the program before me to ask if she knows anything, and I’m waiting for her to reply.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>I would recommend following your gut. If you feel comfortable contacting him/someone you trust in the department and saying that his actions have genuinely distressed you, I would absolutely encourage you to do so.
>
>Personal anecdote: As another 26F grad student, I had lunch with one former prof (45-ishM) and a patio drink with another (60-ishM) when I was visiting town. It was great to catch up with them. There were mutually-initiated hugs hello and goodbye, but definitely no uncomfortable kissing or touching. When it comes to your own body and judgement metric, you know what feels friendly and what feels inappropriate.
>
>If you have an ally in the department, be it another grad student or an instructor, maybe contact them if you're feeling any nerves about how to go forward? They'll have an understanding of who else will listen to you, who might overreact, etc etc.
>>**User 2:**
>>
>>Another personal anecdote: I’m pretty close with my graduate supervisor right now, we have dinners and go out to coffee alone all the time, and even text each other memes - he’s very chill.
>>
>>He has never touched me - like not even in an innocent reciprocal hug or a pat on the shoulder. Understands that it can be highly uncomfortable and disrespectful if done wrong, or even if done “right”, the person might not like it.
>>>**OOP:**
>>>
>>>Yeah, I had a similar advisor in undergrad. We were quite close and he knew a lot about my life, but the only times we ever hugged, I think, were once after I gave a speech at a fundraising thing where I talked about how great he was to work with, and another time when we had our last meeting before I left for grad school. Wasn’t weird at all because it wasn’t forced and because I’d known him for four years.
[**Update on “Professor Kissed Me” post...**](https://www.reddit.com/r/GradSchool/comments/cnw17b/update_on_professor_kissed_me_post/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - August 8, 2019
Here’s the original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/GradSchool/comments/cco7zs/professor_kissed_me_and_i_dont_know_what_to_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app](https://www.reddit.com/r/GradSchool/comments/cco7zs/professor_kissed_me_and_i_dont_know_what_to_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app)
Heard back from my title ix office the other day, and they said they’re shutting down the investigation because they talked to my professor, and he said he intended the kiss to be friendly rather than sexual. As if that actually matters; the fact is, regardless of intent, he did something no normal person would do to a student or coworker forty years younger than him, and he’s getting away with it. I politely explained to the office that I thought their decision was ridiculous, and in the same email I asked if the no-contact order between my professor and me still stands. Apparently, it doesn’t, and the title ix office completely ignored the other part of my email.
I guess I expected at least a half-hearted investigation or a light slap on the wrist — something to keep up the pretense that my fancy fucking school gives a shit about its students. Now I get to spend the next year either avoiding this guy at department events or making extremely uncomfortable small talk. Since the department chair knows about the so-called investigation and is friends with the rest of our faculty (one of whom got chased out of his last university for sexually harassing female students!!!), I have to wonder if I’ve been gossiped about, and how much everybody on faculty knows and what they think of me. Not that any of this matters since the title ix office decided my professor’s actions weren’t dire enough to create a hostile work environment.
Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t know. I guess I’m wondering if I should just let it go or if I should demand to be taken seriously.
Edit: filled out a form with the National Women’s Law Center.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>I suggest document anything that happens out of the ordinary or that makes you feel uncomfortable with either this professor, or with any other professors.
>
>This professor should not be talking about this case, and if you have evidence he has done so, report it to the Title IX office. This professor also shouldn't retaliate against you in any way (including through proxies), and if that happens report it too. It turns out that more retaliation cases get found in the complainant's favor than initial Title IX cases -- to be clear, even if the offender was found not to have initially violated Title IX, if they retaliate against the complainant, that violates Title IX.
>
>I'm so sorry this happened to you, and that the Title IX office were jerks about it.
>
>I talked with my school's Title IX officer a couple years ago about some crap my ex-advisor did, and the officer concluded it was the worst unprofessional conduct he'd ever heard, but it wasn't sexual harassment so there wasn't anything he could do other than tell the Dean. I encouraged him to do so, but I don't know if he ever did, and nothing else ever came of it. But on the plus side, no retaliation!
>>**User 2:**
>>
>>This. Keep a paper trail from now on, even if it’s journal entries in your lab notebook
>>
>>**User 3:**
>>
>>This is really good advice. Even after meetings I would send a confirmation email. Honestly, if your in a one person to record consent state, do it. Everytime. Universities are lawsuit averse. So if he continues to harass and violate your boundaries. Keep documenting. Even keep the evidence you went to title 9 and their email. Cause if he does it again. Any lawyer worth their salt will take your case with solid paper trail evidence. I am sorry this happened to you, I am also sorry about having to deal with this guy in the future. Document, document and document. Everything is confirmed via email, everything. You dont want to risk him taking anything out on you either. This holds his feet to the fire.
>>>**User 4:**
>>>
>>>Tittle IX clearly doesn't want you back, and unless the professor does something drastic, they probably won't do anything. It's unfortunate but I also have a friend who's had a bad experience with Tittle IX. If anything I would try to get them to put the no contact order back in place.
>>>>**User 5:**
>>>>
>>>>I don’t think people realize that the Title IX office is there to protect the school from lawsuits, not to protect students.
**Comment:**
>**Deleted user:**
>
>I am so sorry that happened to you! Do you have any sort of graduate student reps/legal consultants through your department or college?
>
>Also, wtf is a friendly kiss.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Right? Would love to ask him if he gives his male students friendly kisses.
>>>**Deleted user:**
>>>
>>>What's a kiss between two male platonic colleagues?
>>>
>>>I would love for you to ask. Not just to see the look on his old wrinkly face, but it seems like that could be a crucial piece of info for a title IX investigation...
>>>
>>>**User 1:**
>>>
>>>In Quebec it’s normal for male/female and female/female to greet each other with a kiss but not male/male. Also the kiss doesn’t usually involve lip to skin contact, not sure where your prof is from.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>Detroit.
>>>>>**User 2:**
>>>>>
>>>>>I believe murder is the typical greeting of Detroit. <.<
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>Ugh I’m sorry that happened. That’s really uncomfortable, no matter his intent (which is bs). I would also share concerns about consequences. My advisor teaches us to ride the catastrophe train (woo woo worst case scenario coming into the station!).
>
>I don’t know how much you can do about gossip, but I’m sure there are student legal representation on campus. I would think about contacting them for advice about how to document concerns for long-term consequences. Maybe think about talk to title ix further about concerns for your future?
>
>Sorry again!
>>**User 2:**
>>
>>Gossip is a given among academics
>>>**User 1:**
>>>
>>>Yeah, it can be worse than the mean girls in high school.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>You are not overreacting, and it might at this point be in your best interest to speak with a lawyer.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>What kind of lawyer, and who would they be prosecuting, the professor or the school?
>>>**User 2:**
>>>
>>>Yeah, unfortunately the Title IX office at your school is kinda like HR. They’re there to make sure the school doesn’t get sued or get bad PR, but they don’t always care so much about actual justice. Get a lawyer involved, maybe go post to r/legaladvice! I’m so sorry this has happened to you, and I’m so sorry Title IX is useless!
>>>
>>>**User 1:**
>>>
>>>A Title IX lawyer, and they would decide whether/who to sue. And/or she could file a complaint through [https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/complaintintro.html](https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/complaintintro.html)
>>>
>>>Preferably both.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>I filled out a form with the NWLC, so we’ll see what happens.
*OOP has indicated that the Title IX office was dismissive of her concerns and as such they did not resolve or even address the claims she brought forth. Additionally, in the final update she asked for advice but the outcome was never shared. Because it has been years since the last update, it unlikely that we will receive another update. Thus, this is being marked as INCONCLUSIVE.*
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 2,330 | 2023-08-21T16:56:48 | Professor kissed me and I don’t know what to do | INCONCLUSIVE | Ok-Donut3656 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xd8zb/professor_kissed_me_and_i_dont_know_what_to_do/ | false | false | [
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15xu7dm | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Clear_Card_92
**AITAH for rejecting my husband’s offer to join him for a family funeral after he explicitly uninvited me?**
**Originally posted to** r/AITAH
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15qzeul/aitah_for_rejecting_my_husbands_offer_to_join_him/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 14, 2023**
I’ll try to keep this brief. Husband (28M) and I (30F) have been together for a decade. Have a house together, no kids, we both work, we have a couple of dogs, the works. We met in college, I was local, he was from out of state. All of his family therefore lives out of state. When he graduated we stayed in my state, as he didn’t want to move back to his home state.
This past week his grandfather passed away. He was over 100 years old, so while the family has been bracing for his passing for a number of years, the actual passing was quite sudden and unexpected. I of course was there for him when he found out, helped him and his family in arranging Grandpa’s funeral services, etc. They decided on an intimate viewing with burial right after. I respect that completely.
I ask my husband how he’s getting back home in such a short period of time. I offer to drive, we price check against bus tickets, train tickets, planes, etc. He says he’d like to go alone because he’s concerned about finances, and besides, our dog takes daily medications and I’d need to stay home to manage this. I’d already let my bosses know I may need to take time off, and had already arranged with a neighbor to be on call for medicating our dog, but okay, I understand his point. We can’t afford to both get tickets out, that’s fine. Just let me know how I can support you, ya know?
The funeral is planned for Wednesday. He originally says he need to be there Tuesday, so he will work on flying out Monday. Then he decides he will just drive (and volunteers my car, not his, for this trip). I say that’s fine and since we no longer need to worry about buying tickets does he want me to join him to support him after the funeral? He says no, that it should just be family, and ultimately he wants to be there 100% for his dad with no distractions. I’m a little hurt, but at the end of the day, it’s his family and his grief and it isn’t about me.
Then he decides that he should really leave Friday night. That way he has time to get there and spend some time with his family before the funeral and he won’t have to miss work. He says he wants to work from “home” the Monday and Tuesday and he will only need to take off the Wednesday and he’ll be driving home after, getting him home that night. Okay, seems fair. A little longer than I expected, but again, his family, his job, not my say.
Yesterday he calls me to let me know his family has decided to play hooky on Monday and have a big get together, including his sister and her husband, and his brother and his wife and kids. He also informs me that he will probably stay through the week so as to not miss any work unnecessarily and will return home Sunday.
At this point my feelings are incredibly sore. He’s assured me for years that I am part of his family and that I’m not an outsider, even though I have felt that way often. He first disinvited me because of finances then when finances were no longer the issue he said it was because it was an intimate family gathering - but his siblings in law are welcome? He’s concerned about missing work and wants to stay even longer but is willing to be off his computer Monday without calling off to go to a big impromptu reunion? Then he has my car and leaves me with his busted van for twice as long as he originally was going to be gone. I let him know I was feeling hurt, and even though I knew it wasn’t about me and it was a mournful event and I didn’t hold things against him, I did feel very specifically excluded and like I wasn’t part of his family. He said I was being selfish and I’ve been keeping my distance from him in terms of communication since.
Today he texted me to ask when I wanted him home as his siblings were going to take some time off if he were “allowed” to stay longer so they could all catch up and go out and all that jazz. I told him to just come home when he wanted and to give me 24 hours notice so I could watch to make sure he got home safe (it’s a 12 hour drive and we share our locations). I then turned off notifications as I was pretty heated. Now he’s blowing up my phone saying they want to buy me a one way ticket out to be with them. At this point I’ve already told my bosses I won’t need the time off, I told my neighbor he won’t be needed after all and he’s already made plans for the week. I’ve made plans to see friends, work on the house, etc. I called him and said no, that I had been excluded from the start and I wasn’t going to scramble to make plans to assuage whatever guilt he felt when he was called out. He said that it was a hard week and his grandfather just died, and that I was being an asshole for not giving him grace and understanding. I feel like I’ve given him nothing but grace and understanding from the start. So before I say anything I regret, Reddit, am I the asshole?
TL;DR: Husband of 10 years needs to go out of state for family funeral, went from understandable reasons for me to not be present to wild plan changes that leave little excuse for my exclusion. Plans were made for me to stay and him to go. Now that he’s there, he wants me to come and change those plans.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15rv05i/update_aitah_for_rejecting_my_husbands_offer_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 15, 2023**
This will not be brief, but it’s probably not the bombshell plot twist everyone expected. TL;DR: he’s thoughtless, but not malicious.
So, I took your advice and reached out to my father in law to share my condolences and express that I wished I could be there, but wanted to respect my husband’s wishes that it be family only (and no, I was not passive aggressive about it, I’m not trying to pit family against one another despite what some have implied). He called me immediately. He apologized on behalf of my husband and said he and the family were surprised that I hadn’t come along, as when husband said he was driving they assumed any conflict of finances were no longer relevant and that I’d be joining him as I always do. I guess they tore husband a new one when he explained what happened and insisted he call and invite me, and that they’d pay for my ticket out there so I wouldn’t have to drive the busted van. He said I am part of the family and should be involved.
I sucked up my ego and took the offer, as I don’t want this to hang over us for the rest of our marriage for one, and thoughtlessness or not, my husband deserves to be supported after seeing his grandfather. As I said in my previous post, I understand grief very well and know it can fog our normal sensibilities and have been sympathetic to this throughout this whole affair. I asked my bosses if I could work from home, they said that was fine, and while my neighbor was unavailable I managed to convince my sister to stay at the house for a few days in exchange for childcare down the road.
I flew out this morning, and my husband picked me up, so we had a good while to speak privately before getting to his dad’s. He says that he genuinely thought after the chaos of arranging the viewing and hearing how distraught his dad was that it was going to be a brief, solemn, intimate visit and that nobody would be bringing their spouses along. He says it didn’t even occur to him that just because the viewing was immediate family only, it didn’t mean the whole visit was. He thought his dad was going to need a lot more support, but on getting there he realized his dad was in pretty good spirits and pretty level headed, and that he wasn’t going to need to be Dad’s rock for the whole visit. Then when his siblings started to arrive with their families, he realized he fucked up, but was embarrassed to admit it since he had turned down my offer to come along no less than five times and didn’t want to admit he fucked up. The family noticed my absence and asked him what happened, he said he insisted I stay home and that I wanted to come along to be available to him and the family, and I guess they smacked him upside the head and told him to get his wife on the phone and that I needed to be there too, and he was being a dick.
As I’d suspected, he could only think about making sure his dad was okay. Someone asked if my husband has ADD, and yes, he is diagnosed and medicated for it. He added that growing up, his dad was prone to huge tantrums when he was upset and would often scream at people and throw things (which I have witnessed) and with emotions being high this weekend he was hesitant anyway to subject me to that, and I told him I had seen it before and I am obviously more than capable of giving people some leeway when they’re hurting, and that if it was an issue I had no problem removing myself or the both of us from the situation until it became safe.
I asked why he felt it was okay to change plans so many times and not even clue me in, and he said that he was caught up in the chaos of the sudden gathering and didn’t feel he had the spine to tell anyone to wait to make further plans until he could talk to me, as they’d already given him shit for my not being there in the first place. He figured an “ask for forgiveness, not permission” strategy was the best one.
I mentioned that I had posted about this on Reddit, and that it received a lot of responses, and before he hears about it from a disembodied voice reading it over a video of a Minecraft backdrop, I wanted to show him everything first. He was upset that I had shared this vulnerable time but was understanding that he put me in a hard situation and that at the end of the day, I needed support and advice and I was asking because I cared about him, not because I wanted him laid out.
We agreed that regardless of his motivations at the time, there was some serious concern with how blasé he was about leaving me behind and how ready he was to say I wasn’t close enough to come. We are going to be seeking counseling, both for this, and for working through some of his own familial trauma and overall grief counseling, as this is his first close death.
[More info in the comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15rv05i/update_aitah_for_rejecting_my_husbands_offer_to/jwajmt9?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 15, 2023**
To answer some common questions/concerns/DMs:
• Why did you let him take your car? At the time it was only supposed to be a three day max trip. As I commented in the original, he broke a side mirror on his van and didn’t feel comfortable taking it on a 12 hour highway drive with limited visibility. I agreed with that concern as I wanted him to be safe, and it would only be for three days so limiting my own driving wouldn’t be an issue. Ten days? Not so easy to manage.
• Why can’t you just communicate like adults? We do, and we did. I didn’t feel it was necessary to detail every word said, but I did say we had discussed my feelings before he left, during his first post-departure plan change, and again when he changed his mind. The first two times I tread gently but expressed my feelings transparently and offered full support of his emotions. The third time I was less gentle but still firm, and placed a boundary on how my time and efforts were to be respected. I wasn’t just keeping this all inside, I promise.
• He’s cheating!! No, he isn’t. As a regular on BORU/AITA on my main I totally understand where this is coming from, but genuinely, he isn’t. As I mentioned before, we share locations and I can plainly see where he is at any time. Since his arrival, he’s been firmly with FIL, and there are no exes/old flames in the area. Anytime he has visited family up until this last trip, for the last decade, I’ve been with him, so he hasn’t had the opportunity to cultivate a side piece even if he wanted to.
• Why do you feel alienated? His family is very wealthy and focused on financial growth over familial connection (and was like this during husband’s upbringing as well). They have previously expressed classist views but stopped when they learned of my upbringing (broke as shit). They’ve expressed to husband that they don’t understand why he doesn’t take longer hours, why I don’t pursue a higher paying career in my field, etc. when we chose our careers to have a better work life balance. I’ve also recently learned they’ve made some less than great comments to my husband about his and my weight and how they feel we’re better than “blatant laziness and gluttony.” I didn’t think it was relevant at the time but since many people asked, we separated briefly in 2017, two years before we married, as he had just graduated college and was in a crisis of direction. While it was amicable and we got back together within two months, his dad had told him that he was glad he dropped the leech. When husband said it was just a break while he figured stuff out, he rescinded the comment. Yes, this was six years ago, but I’ve always been suspicious of their treatment since then. That said - I am not rude to them, despite some assumptions. I am the same around them as my own family. Lastly - yes, I used the term “his” and “my” throughout the post. This does not mean I don’t consider our families blended or that I don’t accept his side as my own. It’s merely for clarification and to emphasize that I knew this weekend was not. about. me. Which is why I didn’t make a fuss until plans had been changed for the hundredth time with no explanation or warning.
• I don’t understand why you can’t go to the funeral. It’s a long story, but the bulk of it is this: Grandpa lived in Texas during his final years, not hubby’s home state. Being older than God, his wife had passed a long time before and he wanted to be buried alongside her. He was 101 when COVID hit, and his other son (his caretaker) made end of life arrangements during the pandemic assuming he’d die that year. Because of gathering restrictions, this didn’t involve a funeral, just shipping him to his home state and burying him in the plot his wife was laid in. This was never changed after the pandemic ended and he continued to spite mortality. When he passed, FIL and husbands siblings did not get a chance to say goodbye and the funeral home was unwilling to change plans to allow him to be seen. As the family was in hysterics in grief, I took it upon myself to get in contact with the other son, the funeral home, and the cemetery to arrange a viewing. At the end of it all we managed to secure a private, brief viewing for immediate family to say goodbye before he was buried. Nothing formal, no priests, just Grandpa and his son and three grandkids in a room for fifteen minutes. While I wish we could have arranged more, this is all we could manage, and I am not even a little bit upset that I couldn’t be at the viewing. They deserve privacy and intimacy in that vulnerable time.
• How do you expect him to act the next time things get hard? I don’t know. I know he supported me completely in a two year battle with cancer, and through four miscarriages, and with my brother’s attempted suicide. I’ve supported him through years of addiction recovery and other trauma. He was a bit thoughtless and self centered this go around, and I’ll grant that, and I still think my feelings in the matter were totally valid, but I don’t think he’s a bad man, or a bad husband. Grief is a son of a bitch and I don’t expect anyone to be in their right mind. We have a good relationship, and I don’t want a funeral to be the end of it.
• Why would you even post this if you felt you were in the right? I didn’t. I snapped at a man who was out of state for a funeral. I wouldn’t ask if I was the asshole or not if I had no doubt that I was in the right. I felt it was important to discuss my feelings in the event there was any semblance of deliberate intention, but wanted to hold space for if it was unintentional.
• Why are you such a doormat? I uphold boundaries 99% of the time and stand my ground on my needs. He does the same. A family member died and he was in disarray. I’m willing to ease up on technicalities while someone is going through it, just as I hope others would do for me.
Thank you all again for the advice and thoughts, it really helped me see more clearly how things happened and helped me to navigate this very delicate situation. I hope this is the last of this saga, but if some shit comes out of left field, I’ll be sure to drop another update.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 3,923 | 2023-08-22T04:00:40 | AITAH for rejecting my husband’s offer to join him for a family funeral after he explicitly uninvited me? | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xu7dm/aitah_for_rejecting_my_husbands_offer_to_join_him/ | false | false | [
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15xu8so | **I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/whoevenisthat5](https://www.reddit.com/u/whoevenisthat5/). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole and his own page.
I wrote the previous BORU post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150wond/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/). **The newest update is marked with \*\*\*\*\*\*.**
I changed letters to names for readability
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Good dad overall!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14urh2j/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/)**: July 9, 2023**
I (45m) have a daughter (Polly) from a previous relationship. I divorced my ex wife on good terms and we share 50/50 custody of Polly. She is now 11. After I divorced my ex wife I met my now fiancé (Sharon). Sharon and my daughter got along very well . After 5 years in my relationship with Sharon I proposed.
Sharon was super excited and wanted to start planning right away. She looked at venues and started asking her friends to be her bridesmaids. She then told me she wanted her niece to be a flower girl. Which I had no problem with, but I said I also wanted Polly to be a flower girl. Sharon looked at my funny and then said that she didn’t think that Polly would “fit the part”
I got angry and told Sharon that my daughter would be in our wedding. Sharon started to become upset and said that the girls in the wedding were up to her and Polly wouldn’t be one of them. I told Sharon that if Polly wasn’t in the wedding then there might not be a wedding. I stormed out and took Polly to get ice cream.
Polly knows we are getting married and told me she thinks she will look pretty I whatever dress Sharon decides she should wear this broke my heart and I decided to text Sharon. I told her I would be staying at a friends to think this over. My MIL texted me saying I and over reacting and that my daughter doesn’t have to be in my wedding and I was and ass for saying that I would cancel.
So did I take it to far saying I will cancel? Am I overreacting or just being a good dad?
EDIT: Thank everyone for the comments and suggestions I will post an update in the near future!
***Relevant Comments:***
*Did you propose alternatives to the flower girl position?*
"I said I wanted her in the wedding in some shape or form. I wanted her to be a part of our day and not sitting with the guests while we walked down the isle. Fiancé said it would be best if she just sat with my parents"
"Many have suggested a junior bridesmaid but my fiancée still declines"
"I did tell my fiancée she will be in the wedding and if that means she has to be a groomsmen than so be it. Fiancée blew up saying she’s not a boy and my side is only for boys, she denied my request to have a father daughter dance with Polly so this is why i’m rethinking the whole wedding. Sharon and I are going to talk tonight and hopefully she will give me a full reasoning"
*Has Polly ever said anything about Sharon treating her poorly?*
"Polly has never voiced any concerns about Sharon treating her badly. I have never seen anything happen between them so this was very out of the blue"
"Surprisingly Sharon has never had a issue with Polly until wedding talk. The two have always been super close so her reaction shocked me for sure. I would have never popped the question if Polly wasn’t comfortable! I totally understand where you are coming from"
"I do think it’s crazy that I haven’t seen any signs. I’ve talked to Polly and told her to tell me if anything has ever happened Polly can’t recall a single time Sharon was mean to her"
*Could race, weight or disability be a factor in this?*
"Yes I made this post late last night and am just now reaching all the comments. My daughter is not disabled. She is on the average weight scale for an 11 year old and all of us in the situation are white"
*OOP also clarifies that his fiancée is 39 years old.*
**Small** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14urh2j/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/jrbbdl9/?context=3) **in Comments (Same Day)**
"Talked to her mom this morning because I wanted Polly to start with her until this was figured out. Her mom said she hopes it goes well and told me I could stay with her and Polly if need be. She said Polly always comes home with nothing negative to say, so we aren’t sure where this came from"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/whoevenisthat5/comments/14vb4wi/update_on_the_last_post/)**: July 9, 2023 (15 hours later)**
Hey Reddit! Thank everyone for all the kind words and suggestions. To answer a few questions, my daughter is not disabled, chubby, or having an awkward faze (braces/glasses). I did ask if Polly could be a groomsman, Sharon immediately shot me down. Sharon is 39, she is the same race as my daughter, this is her first marriage. I tried to answer and many comments as possible!
I came home to talk to Sharon today. When I pulled in our driveway, my MIL was sitting there in her car. I got out and went inside trying to avoid talking to MIL. Sharon was sitting at the kitchen table and I joined her. She sat in silence so I asked the first question, why does Polly not fit the part, and why don’t you want her in the wedding at all? Her answer full on shocked me.
She quietly said, I was hoping that after the wedding you could become a holiday visit only dad, I didn’t want her in the wedding so she wouldn’t be in the photos around the house since she wasn’t going to be around much. I kept my cool, calmly took her hand, and pulled my engagement ring off.
Her eyes started to tear up, she said we shouldn’t end the marriage over this and that she can change. I told her the damage was already done. I told her I wanted her things moved out by next week and that she could come get them when my daughter wasn’t home. (The house is in my name and I paid for it, I was allowing her to get her furniture that she paid for).
She stormed out and MIL came knocking on the door saying I was being unreasonable. I couldn’t imagine only seeing my daughter 3 or 4 times a year. The fact that Sharon wanted me to give up part of my custody blew me away. I’m sitting on my couch just in shock. Our honeymoon was supposed to be in Hawaii. Looks like me and Polly will be going instead.
I will update again if anything happens.
***Relevant Comments:***
*People are once again skeptical that there was no bad behavior by Sharon toward Polly in the past:*
"I have truly never noticed a thing. Polly has never had anything negative about Sharon and asked her mom earlier today when she will get to see her again."
**\*\*\*\*\*Latest** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/whoevenisthat5/comments/15cwupz/small_update/)**: July 29, 2023 (20 days from last update)\*\*\*\*\***
Hello everyone! Thank you for all the kind comments and suggestions for Hawaii we a few days ago and Polly is already having a ton of fun. If you have any cool suggestions please drop them in the comments.
As for my ex-fiancée she has tried to reach out to me wanting to work everything out saying she only did it because her mom wanted “pure” grandchildren. I still do not care, if she really loved my daughter and I she wouldn’t have acted on her mothers wishes. Sharon has called my workplace to try and get in touch with me, she has even shown up a few times to try and talk to me and I’ve told my supervisor to just ask her to leave. She has gone as far as messaging my ex wife a few times wanting to know why her calls won’t go through to me.
When she caught wind that we were in Hawaii she was pissed. I’m still close with her brother, and he told me that her and her mom were going to try and get plane tickets. If that’s the case I will likely file a restraining order. Polly has asked what happened to Sharon and I told her that we come as a package deal and Sharon only wanted me and I couldn’t leave her. Polly understood but I think she was a little heartbroken. I know this update is small but it’s all I have for those asking.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Did your former future-BIL have any light to shed on Sharon and his mom's behavior?*
"Her and her brother are not very close and grew up in different homes as my ex MIL and FIL are divorced. Her brother and dad are pretty awesome though. We went and had drinks a few days after the storm of Sharon and her mom" | 10,633 | 2023-08-22T04:02:15 | Newest Update: AITA for telling my fiancée my daughter has to be in our wedding? | NEW UPDATE | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xu8so/newest_update_aita_for_telling_my_fiancée_my/ | false | false | [
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15xu8yr | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/WashMiserable198
**OOP has since deleted her account**
**I saw my daughter violating her dolls and now I am speechless.**
**Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!child witnessing parents having sex, Degradation kink!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15qvcu9/i_saw_my_daughter_violating_her_dolls_and_now_i/) **Aug 14, 2023**
This is something really weird for me. I don't know who to tell. I haven't told my husband yet because he will not believe what I saw. I have a 6 year old daughter. She likes to play with dolls. Mostly, the stuff is basically mimicry of me and my husband and what we do around her. Nothing problematic in nature. Until today when I asked her to come to the kitchen to get some snacks. She is usually busy with playing in the afternoon. I went to her room. She was on the floor playing with dolls. One of her ken dolls was fucking one of the barbie dolls from behind.
I was shocked, I couldn't move after watching that scene. Before I knew anything she changed position and barbie was on top. This is weird. We never let her watch IPad without supervision. She always watches cartoon and the IPad has a lock in it so she cannot access it. I am worried about it. I am worried if someone else closer to us made her see something she isn't supposed to. I had to leave because it was just too much for me to handle at that point. I haven't really asked her anything.
How can you have the talk with a 6 year old when she probably knows and probably saw it. I don't know what to do. I am waiting for my husband. But I do not think he will believe me. How can you describe that you caught your daughter violating her dolls. It's just weird.
A little update: I just asked my daughter about it finally without my husband because it has been eating me. I did not berate her. I was showing as if I am curious to what she was doing because I never saw her play out like that. I asked her, what was she playing this afternoon. She said she was playing with dolls. I described what I saw and asked her what was she doing to those dolls, she told me she was making ken and barbie wrestle. I asked her where did she see this kind of "wrestling". She told me she saw me and my husband doing it 2 times. Sometimes when she would wake up to use the restroom and then he saw my husband and me "wrestling" naked on our bed. The bed is opposite to the door. So, it is difficult to see who is there. Also when me and my husband are doing it, we do not care much around the surroundings.
Sometimes when we are really into the mood, he would forget to lock the doors so she must have seen my husband and I going at it. We are always careful And yes, my husband is a really big fan of dirty talking and degradation. I left out the things that she said while making her dolls do naked wrestling. So, the one who exposed my baby to porno, is me. This is fucking great. I did text my husband to come home asap, I talked to him on the phone about this, he was also concerned. That's I know for now.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15rx3v7/updatei_saw_my_daughter_violating_her_dolls_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 15, 2023**
I didn't know this subredit also removes submissions. Reddit is so fucking weird these days, I didn't break any subreddit rules yet my post got deleted.
So, those of you who have not seen my previous post, the summary is- I walked into my daughter making her Barbie and Ken doll fucking each other. I was shocked and later when I asked her she said she learned this from me and my husband because she one saw us having sex from outside our room. We always lock our door but very rarely we missed it because we were both in the mood.
Now, I couldn't answer many of your questions so here, I am answering those:
Why does my husband degrade me?
Well, we both a kink where one degrades the other. We are into BDSM too. It is 100% consented. He is no degrading outside the bedrooms. He is very sweet and caring.
Why don't you lock your doors?
We do lock our doors. But there were few occasions where we forget to lock our doors and just close it. That only happens when we are really in the mood. Maybe there was a time we forgot to lock the doors and she happened to walk in and saw us doing it. We do not keep our doors open intentionally. It wasn't until I talked to my daughter about it, I realized we may have been a bit clumsy with our locks.
Is this fake?
No, why would anyone make a fake post about this topic? The only reason why I am using a burner account because I will soon delete it. Look, I am a first time mother, I don't know ins and outs of parenthood all the way. I never walked into my parents having sex so I am not sure how to handle it. I just wanted a place to express these emotions and gain advice to what happens next and how can I properly guide my daughter. I don't want her to have messed up views of sex and intimacy. I know I am not a perfect mother but I am trying my best.
Now onto the real update, my husband and I spoke to our daughter. Basically it was a long "talk" we explained in a kid friendly way that "naked wrestling" is only done by adults and a child should not do it. We explained her the basics of consent, about good touch and bad touch. She had some questions that why she cannot do it, we had to tell her she doesn't have strength to do "naked wrestling". It is only something an adult can do and it shouldn't be done in front of other people. She asked why daddy was being mean to mommy during wrestling. My husband panicked and said he was acting as a mean man he is auditioning for a movie. I had to correct her saying it is acting but only adults can do it. We also told her about if someone comes to her and asks her to do this stuff then she should just say no and speak to us. The talk was long and exhausting. We are thinking about taking her to a child psychologist. I just don't think we did a good job explaining sex to her. We tried our best to keep it PG. Maybe a therapist can help us. Also we are getting automatic locks on our door that closes instantly. Thank you everyone who helped me. Maybe my pregnancy brain has got me into panic mode. I am so grateful for all of you who gave me advice and reassured me this is something normal.
Edit: I did post the original one in my personal page, because people are confused without the full context.
Edit again: Alright you idiots. You guys shame me as a parent and shame me as an individual it is fine. But for fuck's sake stop saying my daughter is going to turn into a pornstar making derogatory comments about her. Like I don't fucking get it. I literally came here to get advice. And maybe through my post other people who had similar experiences can get help for their kids too.
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 5,891 | 2023-08-22T04:02:27 | I saw my daughter violating her dolls and now I am speechless. | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xu8yr/i_saw_my_daughter_violating_her_dolls_and_now_i/ | false | false | [
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15xuce5 | Fun Fact To Cover Spoilers: A day on Saturn is much shorter then a day on Earth. Saturn completes a full spin around it's axis in about 10 and a half hours. However, it takes Saturn 29 Earth years to do one complete orbit around the sun.
Content Warning: >!Kidnapping, Attempted Cheating, Emotional Manipulation!<
Mood Spoilers: >!Happy for OOP and her husband, dubious for the sister!<
[**AIW for enforcing our surrogacy contract?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15p9wn6/aiw_for_enforcing_our_surrogacy_contract/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **(Originally Posted August 12th, 2023)**
Ok so for context my husband is James 39, I’m F29 and my sister is Tilly 30.
When my husband and I found out I wouldn’t be able to carry a baby my sister offered to be our surrogate so we could still have a biological child. She did this totally unprompted and on her own. She had divorced her husband over a year ago and was settling into single life. We offered to cover all medical expenses and expenses for anything that could improve her life/pregnancy quality as it’s not legal to pay for a surrogate in my country. She was more than happy to do that and as time went on she said she didn’t like pregnancy, it freaked her out and she couldn’t wait to just give the baby to us and go on holiday.
So three days ago she gave birth to our daughter. She’s perfect and such a beautiful baby and we were getting ready to take her home when Tilly denied it. She said I couldn’t have my baby. I was really confused and asked what was wrong, what did she mean? She said she’d changed her mind and didn’t want to give us our baby. I reminded her she wasn’t biologically a parent to my daughter and reminded her that she hated pregnancy and wanted to go on holiday. She said no, wouldn’t let me hold my baby and made the nurse take me out.
Since then I’ve been crying and really upset. Our parents are trying to get her to see sense and none of it made any sense to me until James sat me down and showed me texts he had been getting from her for the past few weeks. They started out innocent but then she said how horny the pregnancy was making her. He sent back a laughing emoji but she carried on and prepositioned him. Asking him if he was attracted to the woman carrying his baby, saying surely it made him feel some way. She sent some risky photos of her in lingerie and he told her to stop, she wasn’t his wife, he wouldn’t mention anything as none of us needed more stress but this wasn’t appropriate.
Since then I’ve been looking over the contract we had drawn up and there is a clause that allows me to gain custody by showing Tilly’s written agreement and understanding of our contract to a judge. I’ve text Tilly telling her she has a day to give me my baby or I will take her to court to enforce the contract and get custody of my child. Our cousins have text me saying I’m an AH for pressuring a woman to give her baby up. But it’s my baby not hers!!!!
\-
**Relevant Comments**
>Did she have sex with OP's husband to get pregnant? I would forward all of those pix to the flying monkeys. Shut them down. Get a lawyer NOW!
OOP: No. We did it at a fertility clinic
\-
>You're not wrong. But please have some empathy for the incredible sacrifice of risking her health, permanent changes to her body, and how incredibly difficult it is to give up a baby you've been carrying for nine months. I think this emotional confusion about carrying a baby that is your husband's is why she is flirting with him.
She agreed but she did not know how incredibly hard it would be. Especially with all of the pre- and postnatal hormones. It's your baby, you should push to get the baby, but I don't think she's an asshole. Just overwhelmed and hijacked by her emotions and hormones right now. I hope in the long run you can have some compassion and mend the relationship. Even tho she is making things difficult right now, after it gets sorted it out, she will still ultimately be the person who made it possible for you to have the family you want.
OOP: If I’m honest it feels like emotional manipulation. She’s had no feelings or attachment to the baby literally the whole pregnancy. She’s said she only did it so she could get the private healthcare, the holiday she’s going on was paid by us. Anything she wanted during pregnancy; food, clothes, Dyson hair dryer we got her. We sent her on wellness weekends. She admitted she wanted some pampering after the divorce and knew we would give that to the woman housing our baby. (*OOP later added this to the original post)*
​
>Hmm. Without boots on the ground, I can't tell from here if this is a manipulation or if she is genuinely feeling emotionally overwhelmed... Carrying a baby for nine months, the rush of hormones related to birth, that is very powerful. So I can't write it off but ofc you know her better.
But honestly this info makes you a little less sympathetic. It sounds like you kind of took advantage of her lack of care and attention and money/vulnerable post-divorce state to get a surrogate you didn't have to pay. It's still your baby but this doesn't sit right.
OOP: Be so for real. We gave her anything she not only needed but wanted. Also I never asked her to do it. She practically begged me to let her do it. She’s healthy and I’m not.
​
>Obviously I don't have all the details. You came here asking for input and opinions. I'm giving mine based on what you shared, which will always be an incomplete picture.
The going rate for a surrogate is, what? $50,000 these days? There's not denying you got a bargain even if you gave her whatever she wanted.
OOP: Ok.
​
>Look from a purely practical point of view: if you can put your anger down briefly and you go to her, thank her for carrying the baby, thank her for taking on that risk and sacrifice, tell her you know it’s hard and confusing right now but that you are the mom, and promise her that she will always have a place in your life and the baby’s life as her most special aunt - you might actually get what you want faster. Just something to consider.
OOP: Ok just so you know I did that. I did that as soon as my daughter was born. I thanked her immensely. And then I find out she tried to preposition my husband and then find out she’s holding my baby hostage. Makes it’s difficult to ‘put your anger down’.
\-
>Why didn’t your husband say anything when she was texting him inappropriately?
OOP: I have a heart condition and it was the last few weeks of pregnancy. I was constantly stressing something would go wrong so he wanted to reduce the stress for me and Tilly
\-
OOP: She is not my child’s mother. I am. End of.
>I'm sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, but in many countries, LEGALLY, you are not.
OOP: Luckily we have the clause which means I am. All I have to do is get a judge to enforce it.
​
>If the law states otherwise no judge CAN nor will enforce it. I hope you have a good lawyer.
i do think you should be given your baby, since baby is biologically yours.
OOP: Thank you. We’re not from the states so I think that makes a difference.
\-
>You are not wrong. I hope your sister didn't have an ulterior motive to get pregnant with your husband's child in hopes of taking him from you. That's disrespectful.
The child is biologically you and your husband's. Take her to court. Call for a welfare check on the child. I'm sure your sister had nothing prepared to bring home a newborn. Then again, if she did. She's had this planned.
I would also poatpone the holiday at the bare minimum. After you have your child, fulfill the contract.
OOP: We’ve paid for them to stay longer at the maternity facility they are in so that we have peace of mind baby girl is ok and safe!
​
>Good thinking. I was concerned for the baby's sake. My heart breaks for both you and your husband. What should be the happiest time in your life has become a huge betrayal. As long as your child is safe. That's the most important thing right now. Have faith. You will get your child. It's just going to take a little longer. You have the law on your side with the contract. Stay strong and lean on your husband. You both will get through this together. Godspeed.
OOP: Thank you so much. If I thought my sister was mentally unwell I’d be the first one to help but it really feels like manipulation as she didn’t get what she wanted. I’m upset to not have her with us for her first few days but at least she is safe.
\-
OOP: Our contract was very clear. Tilly did not wish for rights to the baby. She gave those up of her own free will pre birth. She was evaluated to be of sane mind when she made this decision
\-
>If its illegal to pay for surrogacy your country I don't see how this contract can be enforced. Honestly surrogacy disgusts me and should be outlawed. It's a form of human trafficking and exploitative.
OOP: Because we didn’t pay her to do it. She offered without being asked.
\-
>You're not wrong.
It really is a horrible situation no matter how you slice it. But this is exactly why you have the contract in place. Just, know that there's no clean or easy way out.
OOP: We’re giving her to the end of the day before we start the legal proceedings
\-
>Did she already have kids? If not she had no idea what she was agreeing to, growing a baby inside your body is a life changing experience, it’s the closest possible connection between two people. I believe this is why generally surrogates must have children of their own before signing a contact. I don’t think anyone’s is wrong here, she just gave birth so mentally she’s in a very unique place with all systems set to taking care of the baby, the situation sucks for everyone. Was there counselling before? This should have been discussed beforehand.
OOP: She has a son. I’ll add an edit but it’s feels really manipulative to me. She basically begged to let her do it for us
\-
*The comments in general are supportive of OOP and wish her the best, however, several commenters point out possible legal issues and there are a few that heavily criticize OOP for having a surrogate at all and some accusing her of exploiting her sister.*
*-*
[**AIW for enforcing our surrogacy contract? (Update)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15rdrev/aiw_for_enforcing_our_surrogacy_contract_update/) **(Posted August 14th, 2023)**
Just thought I’d give a little update as lots of people were using the update bot.
We have Tilly 24hrs before we started the legal proceedings to give us our baby. I’ve been into work today to keep my mind busy as I was so nervous and I work in a hospital so it’s kept my mind busy whereas James is able to work from home. It’s been so hard the past few days not having our daughter with us, we’d imagined being able to spend the first few days of her life together as a family, getting in all the newborn skin to skin contact but instead we’ve just been looking at her empty nursery.
When I got home from work James told me that the maternity facility had been in contact to say my sister and our baby had been discharged. One didn’t want to worry me when I was at work and had been trying to find them but it had only happened about an hour before I got home. Then two hours later someone knocks on our door and it’s Tilly holding our baby.
She gives her too me and just shrugs and says sorry but that it wasn’t her fault she was attracted to the man whose baby she was carrying but that she’d forgotten how much newborns cry and need to be fed and said she wasn’t the mother. She left quickly after that after giving us the final legal form with her signature on.
Safe to safe we’ve just been soaking in having our baby with us finally. We been able to put her in the clothes we’d gotten her, we put her down in her crib and fed her a bottle. And most importantly we’ve had so many cuddles. We haven’t really put her down and I feel a bit scared to. Like she can be taken away again. She’s beautiful and she’s perfect and her name is Alexandria Renee.
**Relevant Comments**
>I'm so glad you've got your baby back.
I hope that you never let your 'sister' anywhere near your child. She stole your precious first days with your baby, just because she wanted your husband. That is disgusting behaviour.
She doesn't deserve to ever be forgiven.
OOP: I’d like to forgive her if it’s mental health related for my nephews sake as well but I’m not too sure
\-
>I'm so happy for you,I was worried that you would have to give through a lengthy court battle. She is in wonderful hands. Will you keep in contact with your sister?
OOP: I’d like to. Hopefully she will have an attitude change.
\-
>I’d suggest a “trust but verify” type approach from here. Get some cameras, take a good long (couple months, maybe a year) break from having much to do with her in-person, if you put your daughter into any sort of childcare make sure they know to call you/husband before letting anyone else pick her up (should be standard procedure, but emphasize the importance).
It could very well be that this whole thing is just the pregnancy/labor hormones messing with your sister’s head, in which case she’ll probably calm way down, back way off, and generally be embarrassed about the whole thing. If she does, it would be a kindness, and probably easiest, to just let it be water under the bridge. If it’s more than that, well, that’s why you take precautions anyway.
OOP: I’d like to do that. But obviously will not tolerate her coming onto my husband | 5,554 | 2023-08-22T04:06:52 | OOP Asks If She's Wrong For Enforcing Her Surrogacy Contract | CONCLUDED | boru_posts | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xuce5/oop_asks_if_shes_wrong_for_enforcing_her/ | false | false | [
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15y7nxl | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Guilty-Schedule-7886 in r/amiwrong.**
trigger warnings: >!harrassment!<
---
[**AIW for not giving my sister my baby?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14ymr3q/aiw_for_not_giving_my_sister_my_baby/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) - July 13, 2023
I am aware how insane this title is but hear me out. It’s me F28, my husband Lucas (39) and my younger half sister (dads side) Lia (24).
My husband and I met through work 5 years ago but didn’t date right away, we tied the knot by eloping two years ago as I predicted Lia would cause wedding drama. Lia herself had a failed engagement 1 year ago, we gave her our condolences but she said if I really cared I would stop wearing my engagement ring around her flaunting it. I obviously did not take it off, it’s a vintage ring that is an heirloom in Lucas’s family. I’m now 5 months pregnant with a baby girl, she wasn’t planned but she’s a very welcome surprise. Lucas is so excited to be a girl dad it’s very funny.
Ever since I announced my pregnancy, it wasn’t a fancy thing just over dinner, Lia has been very snippy and standoffish with me. Fine it didn’t really effect me, we’re not close. But then I noticed when we’d go to visit my dad, or are at family gatherings she’s very touchy with Lucas, she giggles at every joke he makes.
Doesn’t really bother me, I’m secure in my marriage and if anything it makes her look silly.
We had a ‘blended’ family event with both mom and dads side and we were discussing baby names when Lia freaked out screeching at me that shes the one who deserves a husband and a baby not me. I never wanted marriage or kids (I was focused on getting a career). And stormed off.
Later on my dad and his wife said she shouldn’t of shouted but I was flaunting my marriage and pregnancy when I know she had a failed engagement and had always wanted a baby.
I thought that was it but yesterday the three of them asked to talk and they came over to ours and they legitimately asked if I would give Lia my baby. Like they weren’t joking they said it seriously. They said she deserved it more than me as she wouldn’t neglect being a mother for a career.
Lucas was stunned but then promptly got them out of our house. I heard Lia clinging to his arm telling him she could be a good SAHM.
My mom and her side of the family are furious. Lia’s mom said it was malicious of me to tell my moms family and that I had really upset Lia when we eloped so I had to make it up to her and that my mom doesn’t get a say.
What the actual fuck??
EDIT: just to address some things, yes unfortunately this is real and it happens often, look up the case of Taylor Parker.
This whole this is really stressful. I’m immune compromised so I’m really feeling run down and have to be careful.
Lastly Lucas is actually Swedish so that is an option to those of you who have suggested moving.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:** *(negative score)*
>
>This can't be real. You seriously had to come to reddit and ask if you should give up your child for a pity adoption to your sister? This stupid question is probably just the surface of a lot more crazy going on in your family, internal and external. Your child is going to have a long 18 years before they can break away from this insanity.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Obviously I’m not asking if I should give her my daughter. I’m fucking pissed and needed a sounding board
>>>**User 2:**
>>>
>>>You should honestly have all of this documented someplace, not just on Reddit. Take videos, keep notes, etc. This very likely isn’t the end of it.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>You're posting this to share your wtf, not because you actually have doubts about who is in the wrong here, right? If I was you I would avoid that sister at all costs and limit contact with any family that supports her selfish delusions.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Yea of course. My family’s nuts and I really needed a sounding board 😭 I’d never give my baby up
>>>**User 2:**
>>>
>>>Make sure the hospital is informed that those people are NOT allowed anywhere near you or your baby when delivery time comes! I wonder if they can be banned from the maternity floor entirely?
>>>
>>>Sounds like they might be nuts enough to try and steal your baby from the nursery.
>>>>**User 3:**
>>>>
>>>>Oh, they absolutely can be banned. Never mess with a nurse in the maternity ward!
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>This. I actually feel scared for OP. I feel there’s a real risk here of Lia and her mother taking OP’s baby away.
>>**User 2:**
>>
>>>I feel there’s a real risk here of Lia and her mother taking OP’s baby away.
>>
>>Or worse.
>>
>>I hate to mention this and I sincerely hope it is just my imagination going wild after reading this post, but OP should really make plans what should happen to the child incase "something happens" to her and her husband. Half sis and her parents sound really deranged.
>>>**User 3:**
>>>
>>>Goodness I didn't even think of that. I would clearly document all the accusations, wild behaviors, etc with approx dates and times.
>>>
>>>Then have a will made out that states where the child is to go if something happens and why. Include a copy of all the evidence in case they try to contest it.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>Thank you. We’ve made sure it’s in writing that my mom gets custody if anything happens to us
>>>>>**User 4:**
>>>>>
>>>>>If you don't already I'd have cameras installed around the house, maybe even inside at this point. I'm sorry you're going through this.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>Your sister and her mother are certifiably insane. You need to remove them from your life, because they might decide to take your baby if you stay in contact.
>>**User 2:**
>>
>>Yeah... unfortunately, most kids who are abducted are usually abducted by family members.
>>
>>90% of kidnappings are done by a child's family members/parents.
>>
>>Keep your kid away from them, OP. They sound unstable, and clearly, your jealous sister wants to steal your life away from you - your kid, husband, all of it.
>>
>>She sounds mentally unstable, and I'd really caution against allowing your sister or parents near your kid. The fact that any of them thought it was reasonable, normal, or acceptable to ask to take your baby and give it to your sister shows how dangerous and unhinged all 3 of them are.
>>>**OOP:**
>>>
>>>God that’s a terrifying statistic
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>You need to cut them off completely. Quite frankly, I’m surprised you haven’t already. They should never meet your child.
>
>And what was your husband doing when she was throwing herself at him?
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Throwing them out of our apartment
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>Please update us because this is wild. Personally I would tell them all to go f themselves and block every single one of them. I also wouldn’t trust the grandparents either.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>We’re in Sweden with Lucus’s family at the moment. We decided to go for a break from the stress and are exploring our possibilities
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>I don’t see what state you currently live in, but f you don’t move to Sweden (you should definitely move to Sweden) be very cautious of not getting not the insane sister and step mom, but also to f your father. Grandparents rights are a thing in a lot of states and if he establishes a relationship with your child it could end up giving the psycho sister access to them. My dads parents got grandparents rights to me when I was a kitten d and it was fucking awful.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>We’re in DC. I could do an update if people want be we’ve essentially decided to move out to Sweden. We’re out here on vacation now.
[**AIW for not giving my sister my baby? (Update)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15o94z0/aiw_for_not_giving_my_sister_my_baby_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) - August 11, 2023
Hi guys. Just wanted to give y’all an update as you asked for it. I saw it made it onto a tiktok podcast which was amusing! If someone wants to pass them this update along please do.
Point 1, obviously I’m not actually asking if I should give Lia my baby. I was venting, sorry if I put it in the wrong sub.
Lucas and I are in Sweden right now on vacation and have explored the possibility of moving here. He works for a Swedish company in the US anyway so it would just be a case of moving and my work is fluid. I can pickup a job in most countries. I’ve asked my mom if she would think about coming with us, we would help set her up and make sure she was looked after and this way she can see her grand baby whenever rather than being an ocean apart.
Lia is fuming apparently, sulking and being an all round awful person!
*Because OOP has not confirmed whether she and her husband will be moving to Sweden—and she has not provided any further context in the comments of the update—there is reason to believe that there may be future updates, so this is being marked as ONGOING.*
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,431 | 2023-08-22T14:35:54 | AIW for not giving my sister my baby? | ONGOING | Ok-Donut3656 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15y7nxl/aiw_for_not_giving_my_sister_my_baby/ | false | false | [
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15ylyj4 | I'm not the OOP. OOP is u/strugglingwife1234.
This is an update to a previous BORU thread here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zcdowr/oop_doesnt_want_to_have_sex_anymore_nor_losehurt/
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/x23pv0/i_never_want_to_have_sex_again_like_ever_but_i_do/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) (31 August 22)
**I never want to have sex again, like ever, but I do not want to lose or hurt my husband. I've been struggling with this for over a year.**
I (29F) am married to a man who we shall call John (30.)
I saw other posts on here of others in a similar spot, and I have done a few things over the last year or so.
I have been to doctors, therapists, asked around online about solutions but my sex drive is just flat dead. Nothing brings it back. Nobody has had answers, yet. I am in perfect shape (so is he, i havent lost love or physical attraction), no body dysmorphia, hormonal levels are fine, I am not on hormonal bc, I dont take any other medications. I tried stupid online bullshit and snakeoil but i think deep down I knew that stuff was never going to work.
We have been together for 7 years, married 3. We are happy, we have a home and good careers, 3 wonderful dogs and our families get along. But I just cannot stomach the idea of *ever* having sex again. It makes my skin crawl thinking about it. I have either been making excuses to put it off or just grinning and bearing it when he was clearly just riled up and i didn't have the heart to look him in the eye and say "ew." I literally have a cry the next time I am alone.
I was his first, he wasn't my first, I taught him how to be *my* lover. Everything was fine for over 5 years, John is considerate, takes his time, made sure we both had fun and felt satisfied. I feel so awful even considering talking to him about it. Before last year, we had done it nearly every day. Over the last year my sex drive has slowly died.
I think that I just do not want to have sex...ever again. Is that so odd? Why is that so wrong?
How do I approach this with John? I plan to sit him down on our next day off together, which is in 5 days. I have that long to decide what to do. I cant do to this to him or myself any longer than that.
Is it right for me to unilaterally cut that part of our relationship out? I do not think so, but everyone says that "i shouldnt be forced to do it just to keep my marriage" (which sounds like crap based on the other posts here. I know sex is important.)
I don't know what to do next. He has been completely in the dark on this because I'm scared of divorce, I don't want him to think I don't love him, or think hes unattractive. I'm scared to hurt my best friend, I don't want him to resent me or to feel trapped.
Just, any advise, please. I feel like I am about to burn our entire lives down.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/x5tf61/update_i_never_want_to_have_sex_again_like_ever/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) (4 Sept 22)
**UPDATE: I never want to have sex again, like ever, but I do not want to lose or hurt my husband. I've been struggling with this for over a year.**
TLDR: did not go well, he left the house and hasn't come back yet. I know he is safe, via his sister.
I decided to talk to him sooner rather than later and took a few days off from work to sort this out. I think he might have left me over “the lying to him for a year” part. I am mostly just venting, but if you have thoughts, by all means. I do not think there is anything I can do alone to fix this.
John was not angry at first, but made it clear that he would not support being in a sexless marriage. He was also a bit annoyed that I asked if he would be ok sleeping with others. He is one of those super honest and holds to his values quite strongly, which is one of the many things I respect about him. There was a lot of emotions, he walked around the neighborhood a few times, would come back in and ask questions, then leave again. (He goes on walks to clear his head, this is not strange.)
He was angry after I told him how long I had kept this to myself, and to be clear, he asked for a timeline. I told him about the doctors, snake oil, and the therapy. I knew he was going to be mad, but John was red and absolutely fucking silent. I've only seen genuinely mad once before and it quite literally paralyzed me to have him look at me that way. John has never, and will never hurt me, but he never made me *feel* small or vulnerable. His size always made me feel safe, but in that moment I felt different. He just walked away, got his laptop bag and said he was going to a friend's house. I have a feeling I know which one, but I did not have a chance to ask.
I have not heard back from him since he left two days ago. I called and texted, but he didn't answer me directly. Instead, I got a call from his older sister, she asked me to just leave him be and let him work stuff out for the moment. (at least I know he's somewhere safe) She asked me what I did to upset him so much and I (foolishly) told her the truth. That went just swell. I completely needed my ass chewed, because that can only help right? (Sarcasm, in case thats not obvious.)
At this point, I just want him to come home. He has been the perfect partner and I just want him to talk to me. He doesn't deserve this, I should've never kept anything to myself. We have a king sized fucking bed that I am sleeping in alone, the dogs are clearly confused, sleeping by the door, because I am the only one feeding and walking them instead of both of us.
My plan, assuming he goes along with it, is suggesting couples therapy. Thats all I got.
[UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/strugglingwife1234/comments/z5et0m/he_is_leaving_but_clearly_trying_to_burn_my_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (27 Nov 22)
**He is leaving but clearly trying to burn my life down on the way out.**
John has decided to leave. Divorce proceedings are already messy because John challenged our prenup in court and it was found to be "unconscionable" by the judge because I had violated it by telling him to basically cheat if he ever wants sex again. I had no idea he had even hired a lawyer, so I showed up alone and unprepared.
Why isn't anyone in this whole thing seeing that I am miserable and don't want him to leave at all? I do not understand why having sex is such a big deal for him. We did so many other things together and just because I don't want to do one of them anymore it's all over. What ever happened to consent??
Now we have to fight over the house, dogs, and he is even going after business assets. We could have had an easy split, but he has decided to be petty instead. My only option to protect the business that I started during college is to use lawyers he could never afford.
Our entire life has turned to shit, and I am struggling to find out why I am having to suffer for this.
#[NEW UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/strugglingwife1234/comments/11pajoc/its_over_all_but_the_paperwork/)(12 Mar 23)
**Its over, all but the paperwork.**
Still haven't spoken to him alone since he left the house. That said, i have had time to think and I will not hold onto any malice for John. Why should I when I'm clearly the the one with issues? He hasn't said it out loud but I think he never wants to see me again and I think that it might be best for us both honestly. I was super upset at first but that was just pain, fear of being alone, and a fear of change. I had no right to be so possessive of someone that i was clearly mistreating.
So here is a recap of the last few months. Both our birthdays passed, so we are now 30 and 31. we did send each other cards but it was possibly the worst birthday either of us has ever had.
the judges initial voiding of the prenup was backtracked, thankfully. this made the process easier to sort out on paper and my employees wouldn't have their jobs jeopardized by my mistakes and selfishness towards my husband (still not technically divorced yet) marriage assets split, we are each taking one dog (oldest dog passed, not unexpected, she was an old girl) I am buying out his interest in the company using personal funds, which boils down to giving him private assets or money equivalent to half the value that the company that has been created in the span of our marriage (which is about 10% of the total.) I could have fought on that but I don't want to and it wouldn't be right to. John needs to start over, and that amount of money will help him get set up basically anywhere he wants. Maybe he can finally get that history degree he always wanted to get. its something that he always wanted to do but had trouble justifying going back to college on a whim.
I admit that my previous posts were all about my perspective, but I don't really know how to tell his side really so idk what to do about that other than to chill and not act like I'm the only one hurting here. I did that in my last post and looking back I might have said and done things differently, for sure. there is just no fixing this though and I think I'm just going to have to take my lumps. Was I drunk posting? yes lol. Does it excuse my overall selfish bitch attitude? fuckin nope.
Still going to doctors, therapists. Still repulsed by the idea of sexual contact, even self-stimulation. It seems like there's nothing physically wrong with me, but my therapist seems to thing there is a deeper reason. (of course right? I think anyone would say that im not fully intact mentally) I am not unhappy about it, its not something I miss or long for so maybe its not so bad. Our mutual friends are mostly not picking sides which is nice. There are a few who called me out on my selfishness and others who are extra dramatic and think John has gone off the rails and its "his fault" or "my fault" as if it matters at this point. I will always feel like trash about this and John will continue to hate me.
As for John, I wish him the best but his life is in shambles really and I cant help. He was a little wild and angry for a bit and during that time he burned a hell of a lotta bridges. both our families thought for a while that he had treated me badly in the marriage but I kept having to set them straight and say that i was the one who fucked up. He moved to neighboring oustirkty town of the metroplex, its a nice little house but the last time i was there it reeked of alcohol, so i have not returned there. I did mention that to his mom and shes helping him through a program. The last time he fell into a bout of alcoholism i was there to get him out, but I cant anymore so that worries me. The only time we made any physical since the fight was to hug it out after Lila (our old dog, 13) died. I had her at the time and she just didn't wake up one morning. He came over with his sister, we cried and shared some memories. We had adopted her about a year into our marriage, so it really was a memory lane day. For those brief moments we were a family again. that was over a month ago now and we haven't spoken outside of legal meetings.
I dont know what else to say at this point.
There is only so much to say once all the papers are done so i might just update my account with my solo journey. Who knows? I wont be going back to work anytime soon, I hired a COO so that I dont have to actually work as much anymore so thatll be nice. I can take a breath and decide what needs to be done for me to be truly happy again. Maybe I cant be happy like i was. Maybe he was my one chance? Do we get second chances at real happiness?
#[NEW UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/strugglingwife1234/comments/151mss9/friends_again_how_do_we_even_do_that/)(17 JUL 23)
**Friends again? how do we even do that?**
Seeking advice on being friends again with my ex, just not any closer than that.
It has been a little since I've posted, but I have been doing well, I think. I need to vent and think about this again because it looks like my ex and I are becoming friends again, and i dont even know how to navigate this.
Short version: I lost my sex drive, lied to my husband about it, didnt tell him in the most tactful way, he sued for divorce, tried to make it messy, evetnually backed off and we divorced normally. Long verision, just look at post history.
First off, no I still dont have a solid answer as to why. Yep. 12 doctors and no answers. I am just broken for now. Even if i had an answer I cannot imagine a way to explain this without it sounding like making excuses.
My ex and I have both had some time to simmer, get over the suit, and actually talk, with a therapist present, obviously. This was nice because we both needed closure and agreed we needed more time than just blowing up and splitting with a messy suit and torn relationships. We were a huge part of each others lives, but it's still so hard to imagine never seeing each other again.
I really hurt him. He was right to be upset, especially because I didnt exactly phrase anything correctly, and it came off to him as an accusation. He lashed out as well, but honestly, I am not sure it was an overreaction.
One thing that came out of the sessions was that we started chatting outside of the therapist office. We still share all the same interests still, and we are the same people as we were before, just not married anymore, and we think being friends might actually be ok.
Is there anyone out there who has tips for being just casual friends with an ex? Our therapist seems to not be discouraging it but wont tell us how to just be friends. She seems to think we can reconcile back to love again but I know better.
Edit: **[Key Comment from this post by OOP](https://www.reddit.com/user/strugglingwife1234/comments/151mss9/friends_again_how_do_we_even_do_that/jt11ogw/)**:
>lol shit take. He divorced me because I lied to him for a very long time, and he couldn't trust me in the relationship anymore. He cant ever trust that would ever want intimacy again, he cant trust me to not vent our sex life to 3rd parties, which i did and caused him great embarassment. People in our life took sides, and some treated him like a rapist.
>Trust was broken, he felt slandered, so he sued for divorce.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 5,612 | 2023-08-22T23:11:03 | OOP doesn't want to have sex anymore nor lose/hurt her husband. | NEW UPDATE | Conflict_NZ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15ylyj4/oop_doesnt_want_to_have_sex_anymore_nor_losehurt/ | false | false | [
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15ynigw | I am NOT OP. Original post by a reader on AskAManager
​
[https://www.askamanager.org/2020/03/my-new-boss-says-everything-is-fun.html](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/03/my-new-boss-says-everything-is-fun.html) \- March 17, 2020
​
I have a fairly low-stakes issue, but it’s driving me absolutely nuts. My supervisor left about a year ago, but was replaced after eight months. During that time, I was responsible for much of the department’s function, along with an administrator who shares my more pessimistic, gallows-esque humor. We work at an organization with high turnover and “surprise” resignations, where people who give notice have been forbidden from telling their coworkers or were told to leave that day. (My former supervisor was one of these.) This is emblematic of bigger issues, I realize.
​
The problem is that my new supervisor is a complete 180 from me and everyone else I’ve worked with since joining this org. She’s energetic, enthusiastic, and has to have her fingers in every pie or project. She’s also a bit of a micromanager, but I think some of that may wear off as she gets a better sense of how tasks are divided and completed.
​
This might all sound fine from the outside, but it is driving me to distraction! I’m given data-entry tasks that are a typical part of my job and told that they are “fun projects” for me to work on. If anyone complains about any aspect of the job, she interjects with, “Oh, that sounds like fun!” We have a “FUN ideas” suggestion box. As I am typing this, I heard “Uh-oh, here comes a fun update on the coronavirus!” (She’s not being sarcastic.)
​
I get that she may be trying to counteract the low morale she’s encountered in our org, but it reads as a tad … delusional. I enjoy my job, despite my org’s weirdness, and there are parts of it I genuinely love. But every time my supervisor starts in on this, I just want to scream, “I don’t come to work to have fun!” Is there any way that I can suggest she quit this in a more professional, less I-am-a-wet-blanket-and-am-going-to-smother-you way?
​
Alison: I wrote back and asked, “When you say she’s doing this in response to people complaining, are we talking about people raising legitimate issues, which she’s then completely blowing off?”
​
Not issues she can really change. For instance, if we’re working with someone difficult or on a project that’s had several setbacks, she might respond that way if she passes by while we’re griping about it.
​
She did mention to me that another of her reports doesn’t seem to be having fun (my coworker is most definitely not) and that she wishes this coworker would bring any issues to her directly, rather than complaining to me. I agree for the most part, but my coworker’s complaints generally fall along the same line as mine — personality mismatch, getting tired of hearing the word fun, etc.
​
I do want to stress that my boss has brought a welcome air of competence to our department and she’s very serious about her role. She just seems hellbent on making sure we’re having fun at all times.
​
Alison's advice has been removed
​
Update 1 [https://www.askamanager.org/2020/12/updates-the-constant-screenshots-the-wolf-whistle-and-more.html](https://www.askamanager.org/2020/12/updates-the-constant-screenshots-the-wolf-whistle-and-more.html) \- December 30, 2020
​
Thanks for responding to my question! I don’t really have any major updates, other than that I’ve gotten very serious about looking for a new position. Our industry was very badly hit by the pandemic, so there are few new job postings, unfortunately. The couple of positions I’ve been in the final pool for have hired candidates with much higher qualifications (think PhDs for a position that lists Bachelor’s required, Master’s preferred), which worries me about my prospects.
​
I didn’t have a chance to take your advice at the time, as we went to remote work the week my letter was published. The “fun” stuff died down a bit, though we were still opening every Zoom call and meeting with what “fun activities” we were taking on while working from home. The one time I mentioned something un-fun (some personal difficulties related to the pandemic), I was cut off and told to “deal with that later, since we don’t want to bring down the mood.” ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
​
Some commenters mentioned that my supervisor’s tone was very “eat your vegetables, kids,” which is exactly what it felt like. During my performance evaluation, I reiterated that I found my work fulfilling and was enjoying the opportunity to use some of my rustier skills on the “fun” projects, but that I wanted to focus on more serious tasks and professional development going forward. That seemed to have the intended effect, but I found out later that supervisor had just pushed the fun stuff onto someone else.
​
A few weeks ago, one of the student interns from another department went to HR to complain that she was being hounded by my supervisor, who was trying to coerce her into working for us, even going so far as to assigning “fun projects” that conflicted with her actual work. The intern quit rather than continue working in our building!
​
I’m hoping this will prompt some changes going forward, but I’m not too optimistic. In the meantime, I’ll continue to keep my resume up to date.
​
Update 2 [https://www.askamanager.org/2023/06/updates-telling-recruiters-i-wouldnt-move-to-a-state-that-discriminates-new-boss-says-everything-is-fun-and-more.html](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/06/updates-telling-recruiters-i-wouldnt-move-to-a-state-that-discriminates-new-boss-says-everything-is-fun-and-more.html) \- June 20, 2023
​
I was the OP who had the boss who referred to everything as fun! and was really the avatar of toxic positivity.
​
I ended up taking a new position in 2021 that helped me to reset my work norms and expectations. My coworkers and supervisor there were much more realistic in their approach to our work, and it was a much more supportive environment all around. It occurs to me that I really didn’t contextualize the field that I’m in for the commentariat – we’re heavy on compliance and policy-building, and it’s a field where sarcasm and dry humor are very much the norm. Sunny positivity is fairly unusual, even in the best of times, and the workplace culture is usually built around the camaraderie of doing a beloved, but difficult job as best we can despite organizational and regulatory hurdles.
​
That new role allowed me to grow quite a bit, and I recently changed again to start another job with a much higher title. I’m now making twice as much as I was in the original role I wrote in about, and doing much more complex work! I’m considered a “senior” voice in my field (in my 30s, which should say something about burnout), have won a national industry award, and have taken on leadership positions in our affiliated professional orgs.
​
My “fun” boss has had 100% turnover in my old department during this time, and it turns out that a lot of the problems I thought were out of her hands, were in fact things that she was actively making worse. She couldn’t have done anything about staff bleed in other departments, of course, but not getting information back? She asked them not to update us, but to send info to her directly and then never shared it. Never heard back from someone I’d worked closely with in the past? They reached out after I’d left to tell me that my supervisor had expressly forbidden them from speaking to me without copying her or looping her in.
​
I recently got a call from my old employer asking me to talk through the policies I’d put in place during my time there, and about how fun! supervisor had managed us. I was candid and shared that I had a number of concerns regarding their compliance with federal regulations based on questions I was receiving as a professional liaison from her remaining staff. (It’s a small industry.) They’ve offered to bring me on as a consultant to get them above board again, and it sounds like they’re working to remove fun! supervisor. They’re concerned that she might have misrepresented her familiarity with those regulations, and clients are apparently complaining.
​
I don’t know if any of this will come to pass, as we’re still in the midst of discussions about what I can do to assist, but I’m really excited about the prospect of helping my old employer. I truly love the people and clients there!
​
As some commenters (and you) noted, the fun! thing was really just the tip of the dysfunctional iceberg. I think some of what my supervisor was doing was trying to disguise how little she knew about what needed to be done, and was trying to upsell me on the boring parts of my job while she took on the more “exciting” and visible things. So much of what we do is difficult to parse for colleagues outside of the department, so if I wasn’t responding to questions or sitting on committees, she could pretend to be the only one with the answers and no one would question if the information she was sharing was accurate.
​
Thank you again for your guidance, and for all of the great information/advice you share on your site! I credit all of you resources with helping me to get where I am now. I especially took to heart your point about toxic workplaces warping your idea of what’s normal or acceptable. I had to unlearn a lot of stuff after I left that job.
​
Update to the update:
My “fun” boss ended up being demoted, and the compliance work was removed from her portfolio and sent to another department. She’s no longer permitted to manage or supervise, and she’s been physically relocated to an office closer to her new supervising unit. I will most likely be consulting later this year to reinstate policies I designed while working there. I’m a little annoyed these changes weren’t made until long after I’d left, but I’m happy where I’ve landed anyway!
​
Reminder - I am not the original poster. | 2,958 | 2023-08-23T00:14:45 | My New Boss Says Everything is Fun | EXTERNAL | Green7000 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15ynigw/my_new_boss_says_everything_is_fun/ | false | false | [
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15yqhw4 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/pyrpaul
**New ramen noodle brands scare me.**
**Originally posted to** r/CasualIreland
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualIreland/comments/10447uf/new_ramen_noodle_brands_scare_me/) **Jan 5, 2023**
So I've been seeing a lot of new brands on the shelves as late. One brand was called apollo, the other samyang, I think.
Has anyone tried? Any use? Is there even a difference from Koka, or is ramen just ramen?
(I will also fight anyone that says instant noodles don't deserve a foodie tag.)
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**No-Ladder7811**
>Samyang kimchi ramen noodles from the Asian store are my go to. Now they blow the arse of you but well worth it. If too spicy instead of water, use some milk, to make a creamier broth to tone it down a bit.
*
**Cabhert5**
>They aren't all the same at all, according to my kid who'll only eat Shin Ramen (Nongshim) from the asian stores. Believe me, the kid's a connoisseur
*
**dreamcomenull**
>Samyang is great. But be careful - they have some extra spicy noodles. And by extra I mean the most spicy noodles in the world. No jokes
*
**azlolazlo**
>Why would you abandon koka for some new whore?
**leosp633fc**
>>Dude, koka is boring. Go to an Asian shop and be adventurous!
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualIreland/comments/10b1hsf/just_an_update_on_my_ramen_post_from_last_week/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Jan 13, 2023**
So I managed to pick up a pot of Samyang 2x spicy hot chicken flavor, and I have been happily storing it away until this evening when I planned to finally tuck in.
I found the instructions very clear and easy to follow. I found the bowl design of the packaging fantastically efficient. I fried some bacon and mushrooms to add to the noodles and can clearly see how ramen so quickly became a staple food in Eastern climes.
What I did not expect was the life altering revelation that Samyang would bring to me. A moment of such clarity of spirit and placement within the wide universe that I felt as if I was looking at myself from without.
In this moment of catharsis I discovered that there are two types of bucket-lists.
One is the normal super fun lists of things you want to do in the life.
The other is a not so fun list of things you never want to learn about yourself.
Today I learned I am a bitch. But not just any type of bitch.
Have you ever met one of those absolute chodes that goes around saying stuff like, "I love spicy food," - "Nothing is too hot for me." - "If I could bottle hellfire I'd sprinkle it on my chips." And then folds like a cheap trick at the first sing of heat.
Today, laddies and djents, I am that chode.
Here and now I swear blind that I'll never again attest that I eat hot all the time. Or that I love jalapenos. Or that I put chili flakes on everything.
I am a heat-bitch, and I see that now. Samyang 2x spicy scorched my soul from my lean flanks, twisted me once around the sun, and sat me back down, blistered and burned, to revel at the scope of my folly.
There is no god, only heat. Yet still I pray that my lips will cease to hurt.
Pray for me if you can.
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**SteveK27982**
>Best of luck with it the other end!
**urpleWomat**
>>I'll wait for the update before I try them.
**OOP replied**
>>>OP is dead. There will be no update.
*
**This post is considered concluded as OOP has stated that they are deceased**
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 6,423 | 2023-08-23T02:22:44 | New ramen noodle brands scare me. | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15yqhw4/new_ramen_noodle_brands_scare_me/ | false | false | [
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15yslzi | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/birthdaybook
**AITA for wanting to keep an expensive birthday gift that makes my boyfriend uncomfortable?**
**Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15o4ai5/aita_for_wanting_to_keep_an_expensive_birthday/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 11, 2023**
I (F just turned 25) have a friend, “Logan” (M25), and we’ve been friends since we were 7/8. I have a boyfriend “Matt” who I’ve been dating for 7 months.
My birthday was last week, and I had a dinner party for some friends before we all went out to a club. There was 8 of including Logan and Matt. We had a little bit of a “gift opening” before dessert, and Logan gifted me an old copy of The Great Gatsby.
The book has a special significance to us, because for many years Logan and I lived in different countries. We kept in contact, but we didn’t see each other in person for about 4 years. We finally got our parents to agree for me to fly to his country to visit in 2013. We were talking about what we were going to do on the visit and I really wanted to go and see The Great Gatsby movie, which had just come out, as it is my favourite book. Logan had never even heard of it, and I said he had to read it before we went to see the movie. Logan was never academic, and to this day it is the only fiction book he’s ever read all the way through (not counting children’s books). Whenever I ask him to do me a favour he always replies with “I read The Great Gatsby for you, so I may as well” and it’s a running joke.
We always go big on birthdays but this book means so much to me.
The day after, Matt said he felt the book was an inappropriate gift, because of how expensive it is. I tried to explain to him that it’s just a sentimental gift and that the cost isn’t the point, but Matt said he feels weird that another man gifted me something that costs more than his car. This argument went on for a long time and Matt said that he thinks I should return the book, and if it means so much to both of us then Logan can keep it. I told him to grow up.
We’ve been having this fight on and off for a week. Matt’s saying that it’s reasonable for him to be uncomfortable but I think he’s being a jealous child. It’s not like Logan gave me a giant diamond necklace just to show off, he gave me something heartfelt that means the world to me, and I think that should be more important than the fact that Matt thinks it’s outside what he deems an acceptable budget.
My mother is saying to give Matt the benefit of the doubt and maybe ask Logan to keep the book for now and if one day Matt is more secure I can take it back. My dad is saying Matt’s an idiot. My girlfriends are split.
This argument is just dragging on and I’m leaving for my birthday trip tomorrow and I just need some perspective on whether I’m being unreasonable wanting to keep the book?
EDIT.
For everyone asking about the book, it is a 1925 edition, well known to be fairly rare. The prices vary but it’s Google-able if you really want to know. There are a range of prices and it’s somewhere in the middle, I’m not going to say the exact amount.
For everyone asking why I’m not dating Logan or why I never did, I explained this in detail in several comments but this is the most comprehensive and reflective one I think
_There was a YouTube segment of Olivia Coleman and Emilia Clarke having tea together. And Olivia said her “what’s your favourite item in your wardrobe” or something similar, and she said “a beautiful chanel cardigan that I really love but have never worn because it just doesn’t suit me”. And it just reminded me of that. It’s not that I don’t absolutely adore Logan, I do. I can unreservedly say he’s my favourite person in the whole world. But if you ask me why I’m not in relationship with him, I don’t have a concrete answer, because there’s nothing about him I don’t like, but it just never happened. And I think he would say the same thing. When I think of the way he was with his ex and the ones I’ve had, including Matt, I don’t see us being that way/those people for each other_
**VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE**
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Dull-Nebula6974**
>NAH
>The plot of The Great Gatsby from Wiki:
>the novel depicts first-person narrator Nick Carraway's interactions with mysterious millionaire Jay Gatsby and Gatsby's obsession to reunite with his former lover
>The boyfriend is reading between the lines here and is rightfully jealous. How the OP isn’t making this connection blows my mind.
>Are you really being honest with yourself, friend and boyfriend? You might want to clear that with your friend before keeping the book. You wouldn’t want to mislead anybody involved.
>Sounds like everyone here isn’t on the same page.
**OOP replied**
>>Yes but I’ve liked the book since I was 9. Logan read it when we were 15. Surely he’s not been planning that since then.
*
**marlaburse**
>OP, what makes Great Gatsby your favorite book?
**OOP replied**
>>Um, well firstly my dad gave me a copy of it and said he loved it and I hero worshiped him as a kid so that was a set up 😂
>>And I loved the aesthetic, I guess. It really started a love affair with the 20s. I still love Art Deco anything. And fitzgerald’s writing made it come so alive for me.
>>And yeah, I am going to get battered for this but when I was little, I loved the love story. When you grow up watching fairytales, that book feels like the grown up version. Every little girl wants to be loved so much that a man will throw a hundred parties in the hope that she’ll come.
>>Obviously as an adult you get the nuance and it’s not so much a love story as a story of the falsity of the American dream and a pathologically obsessed and really short sighted man and the woman he couldn’t free from her gilded cage 😂 and that’s still beautiful in a different way. I love it just as much now, just differently.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15sx5jc/update_i_was_not_the_ah_for_keeping_the_book_but/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) **Aug 16, 2023**
So, I got some requests for an update, and I did say I’d try to post one so here it is, coming to you from a Mediterranean island that has been very unkind to my waistline.
I just want to first say a huge thank you for all the responses. Internet strangers get a bad wrap but I really appreciate all the advice.
So, first update, Matt and I broke up. He didn’t end up coming on my birthday trip but we were kind of talking on and off and he sent me a text that dropped the L bomb, and I didn’t respond in kind. That was the last straw for him. Now that I think about it, that was the next hurdle that was coming, this just brought it forward I guess. He’ll be picking his things up over the weekend. I would like us to stay friends, I still like him so so much, but I know that’s not really up to me now.
I told my mum about the break up, and she apologised for making me feel like I was in the wrong about keeping the book. She said she was just so used to seeing me treat men as disposable, and because I’d been with Matt so long she thought maybe he might not be and she got too caught up in that. I think hearing that I wasn’t even ready to say I love him was a shock to her, and she realised she’d been telling herself a story about him and me that wasn’t what was playing out.
Onto me and Logan. Obviously a whole wealth of opinions and advice was shared about our friendship and honestly going through the comments on the post was the first time I’d really ever thought that deeply about our relationship. It brought up a lot of memories and feelings, and I did end up talking to Logan about it and telling him about the original post. I ended up making a note of some of peoples’ questions and asking him. I really wish I could include all his answers here because I think his responses were pretty funny. That said, word limit, so I’ll keep the answers short.
• Logan did not buy the book as a way to express romantic interest and the plot was not relevant to his choice to purchase it
• Logan has never wanted to date me
• Feelings are complicated
Obviously there was more we talked about but I will just leave you with another metaphor, since the cardigan one was such a hit; sometimes a thin gold chain will sit in your jewellery box for a decade, and over the years it’ll tangle, and the knot will be so inextricable you can’t tell where the chain ends or begins. It would take a long time to pick that apart. Some people get out their magnifying glass and a good lamp and work until the chain is good as new, and some people might decide to just put it back in the box before they break it. We’re trying to be the first, but the second might end up being okay. We’ll see.
I think that’s everything.
Thank you to everyone who responded, I laughed, I cried, I had an existential crisis, it was wild ride.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 6,952 | 2023-08-23T04:01:23 | AITA for wanting to keep an expensive birthday gift that makes my boyfriend uncomfortable? | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15yslzi/aita_for_wanting_to_keep_an_expensive_birthday/ | false | false | [
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15z9zqd | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/\_pissworm\_ in r/needadvice.**
trigger warnings: >!sexual harassment, video voyeurism, invasion of privacy!<
---
[**I just caught my younger brother trying to record me naked. I don't know if he's done it before.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/needadvice/comments/1pl152/i_just_caught_my_younger_brother_trying_to_record/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - October 30, 2013
**TL;DR at bottom**
So, a little background info... I'm 19, female. My younger brother is 12. I still live at home.
I told my brother that I was going to take a shower because he always hogs the one bathroom with the shower. Well I noticed he was in the bathroom for a few seconds with the door open, so I thought he was just grabbing deodorant or something. I told him to leave, walked inside, closed the door, and proceeded to look at my face in the mirror when I noticed his phone propped up against some things. He had angled it so he would get a nice shot of me before and after showering.
I didn't want him to notice that I noticed his phone recording, so I casually knocked it over and didn't turn it off. Hopefully he'll think it just fell over.
I've accidentally walked in on him watching porn several times and always pretended that I didn't notice when he quickly minimized the window. He's getting old enough now and I recognize that that's a normal sort of thing for a boy his age. However, what I am NOT comfortable with is him peeping at me and he is old enough to know that it is NOT okay to do something like that.
I'm a bit afraid to confront him or my mother for several reasons. 1. I am a VERY private person, so I would be VERY uncomfortable. I suppose that's not a very good reason, but it is one. 2. My brother is a VERY sensitive person. Once when I caught him swearing, he started crying hysterically. I don't really want to confront him, but I am paranoid of him doing it again.
***
So what should I do? Should I even do anything? Is this common?
**TL;DR - Younger brother tried filming me naked. Messed up the recording, but not sure if he did it before. Afraid he will try again. Dunno if I should do anything**
Edit: Ok. The verdict is that I'm just going to be careful and assume this is a one time incident. If it happens again, I will somehow "confront" him using one or more of your suggestions.
Edit 2: Well shit. He did it again. His PC looked clean earlier, but now I am super paranoid that I missed stuff. I decided to write a note for the camera telling him that it is not ok. We'll see what happens, but everything is going to be super weird from now on.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>I would suggest, ultimately, to tell him to not do that. He needs to be told that isn't an appropriate thing to do, both secretely filming girls and secretly filming his sister.
>
>Two options, in my mind. Vaguely direct, and bluntly indirect.
>
>Vaguely direct: Mention his phone if you notice again. "Hey, don't forget your phone!" Shows that you're paying attention, and that he can't get away with that. Maybe, when conversation allows, bring up creepshots when he is within earshot. Make sure he can hear someone say that its inappropriate and creepy. Plants a little seed in his head, at the very least, that this isn't something people should do.
>
>Bluntly indirect: Leave him a note. "I noticed your phone in the bathroom recording, that was really creepy. Don't do it again." You could make it vague too, but sometimes a very direct note is the easiest way to get information across.
>
>Act normal around him, though. Give him a chance to move past this. 12 year olds are weird as hell sometimes, if my childhood was anything to go by.
>
>Also, I liked what /u/beatskin said. Find him some sort of phamplet or book on male sexuality, and just casually leave it for him somewhere. While mileage may very, I was a very private and easily upset child, and my mother communicated sex-ed through phamplets with a little note saying "Ask me if you have any questions". It worked surprisingly well.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>My mom gave me a book when I was younger. I didn't like that she did it, honestly. It just made me uncomfortable and I think it'd be the same for him. They teach sex ed in school, though.
>>
>>Right now I'm going to assume it was an isolated incident. If it happens again, I will try one of your suggestions. Thanks.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>You need to check his phone & PC NOW for nude videos/pics of you.
>
>Don't even ask your mom first. Just go in there and do it. You're an adult.
>
>You could have naked videos of you released on the internet, and you'd never know it.
>
>Deal with your brother after. This needs a confrontation - not getting caught will embolden him. And you're not doing anything to help a burgeoning pervert.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>I don't have any advice for you, but when I was in high school, one of my classmates was extremely gorgeous. I heard from a few people that her little brother would take pics of her naked and sell them to his friends. Maybe your brother is doing the same?
>
>I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse about your situation.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Yeah Idk. I've heard stories like that. I don't think he has too many friends and he is pretty shy, so hopefully not.
>>>**User 2:**
>>>
>>>It's possible he's not shy at school!
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>This could be a little phase or something but it could also be the start a problem or obsession that only gets worse. It's probably best you respected his privacy and acted like you didn't see him doing anything before the bathroom incident but he's really crossed a line that you can't just let sit there if it happens again.
>
>Be really cautious, if you don't know where his phone is while you're about to be naked ask him to call yours as if you lost it in couch cushions or something. If he does this again you have to say something though. It doesn't have to be long and direct, the more vague it is the more he'll be paranoid and afraid to ever try it again. A simple "listen I found your phone recording in my room and it's not ok, I respect your privacy so you need to respect mine." or something? He'll be horrified yea, but he's earned it.
>>**User 1:** *(replying to themself)*
>>
>>Also if he's just a dumb kid with a cheap phone he probably has no way of storing other videos besides on his phone. I'd check that when you get a chance..
>>>**OOP:**
>>>
>>>I don't like doing this, but I am going to snoop on his phone and computer when I get the chance. Fortunately I don't think he knows how to transfer files from his phone to his computer.
>>>>**User 1:**
>>>>
>>>>As I was about to reply more regarding this serious topic I noticed your username was pissworm so that was funny.
>>>>
>>>>Anyway, yea, obviously don't make it a habit to "check in" and make sure he hasn't done anything but I think once or again if you think he might have done something is very justified. You want to respect his privacy but you need to make sure yours is intact as well. You sound like you really are concerned about not making things weird for the kid and doing the right thing etc tho so you know all this.
[**My younger brother has AGAIN been spying on me naked in the bathroom for MONTHS. What do I do?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/needadvice/comments/2hvcnv/my_younger_brother_has_again_been_spying_on_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - September 30, 2014
**tl;dr at bottom**
It kept happening, so I told my mom and she confronted him. I have no idea what she told him, but he seemed to stop.
Well, whenever I'm in the bathroom, I hear the floor creaking outside. I've opened the door before and didn't see anyone, so I had always assumed that it was just the house shifting.
Well, today I opened the bathroom door after a shower and sitting on the bathroom floor, naked and Redditting, to find my brother laying there with a camera pointed under the door. I didn't realize you are able to see under it.
This means that he has been spying on me naked for MONTHS, instead of just a few times like the previous incident.
Do I just tell my mom again about this? Clearly it didn't do anything last time. I can't destroy his phone because my mom will just have to pay for that shit.
**tl;dr - Brother has been spying on me while I'm naked in the bathroom for months. He has done this before, but I didn't realize it was so extensive. My mom spoke to him about previous incidents, but clearly it didn't do anything. What do I do?**
**Edit: Well I told my mom again, but I guess we'll see how this develops. I can provide updates later if anything happens. A few suggestions I liked were disabling the camera on his phone and getting him into some sort of therapy. The latter may be difficult to come by due to money, but we'll see what happens. I'm also interested in restricting his fun activities, but I'm worried it'll just leave more time for him to plot about me. Let me know what you think about this and anything.**
**Comment:**
>**Deleted user:**
>
>*(original comment deleted)*
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>Well it didn't do anything, though.
>>>**User 1:**
>>>
>>>Your mother should definitely know. It is unlikely that your moment is just going to try the same thing as last time. She maybe have just given him a warning.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>My mother has never been good at enacting discipline. For example, my other brother has always been an outright bully to the spying brother. She's always either done nothing or yelled at him a bit, never punishment.
>>>>>**User 2:**
>>>>>
>>>>>If your mother is useless, what would your older brother do if you told him?
>>>>>
>>>>>What would your younger brother do if you threatened to inform the older brother?
>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I dunno. Perhaps either 1. Nothing, 2. An increase on the amount of bullying, or 3. A way to turn it around on me.
>>>>>>
>>>>>**User 3:**
>>>>>
>>>>>Does that mean that you shouldn't tell her?
>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I'm going to tell her, but I was hoping for more of a solution.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I'm thinking of barring him from his computer, but what would that do but only give him more time to plot?
>>>>>>>**User 3:**
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Keep your phone on you. the next time you know he's doing it, start up the video on your phone (act like you're just playing on it) and call him out in the act, on video. Threaten to put it on the web... or just do it. Then post it here. In r/cringe or something depending on how he acts.
>>>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>I think filming him in the shower would be a far more effective option. (If I just filmed him filming, it wouldn't look like anything.) However I *really* do not want to see him naked.
**Comment:**
>**Deleted User:**
>
>Is there no father figure to talk to him? I don't think it's acceptable your brother is doing this. I am not trained in this field but I can't imagine it is healthy for your brother to be doing this. It would be a temporary solution, but try blocking the crevice below the door with a towel. Your brother may indeed need a psychologist as some comments from a year ago state.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>His father is not a good role model anyway, nor do I ever see him having a conversation about sexual boundaries.
>>
>>Unfortunately, due to some life circumstances, my family is quite poor at the moment. A psychologist would be far too expensive.
>>>**Deleted User:**
>>>
>>>How is your brother around children his own age? A school psychologist wouldn't necessarily be a great alternate, but it's something.
>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>
>>>>Well he doesn't seem to hang out with any friends, but he plays Minecraft with the same group of kids every day.
>>>>
>>>>You mean like a psychologist present at the school? On his school's webpage, I see a counselor and a psychologist listed in the staff directory. Would either of these be helpful and how much do you think it would cost?
>>>>>**User 1:**
>>>>>
>>>>>A school counselor should not cost anything at all.
>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Really? Do you think they would be helpful? Thank you so much!!
>>>>>>>**User 1:**
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>I think it wouldn't hurt!
>>>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Well shit...turns out my mom won't do that because it'll go on his school record. Looks like I'll just have to never be naked again.
>>>>>>>>>**User 1:**
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>What's preventing you from calling?
>>>>>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>I would get in trouble
>>>>>>>>>>>**User 1:**
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>I'm sorry, but the repercussions of NOT doing something are much worse than "getting in trouble"
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>Edit: I also just read that you're 20. I'm double sorry, but seriously. You're past the age of "getting in trouble"
>>>>>>>>>>>>**OOP:**
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>If I could sustain myself without my parents, it would be a different story.
**Comment:**
>**User 1:**
>
>Since he needs his phone for safety, maybe your mom would consider rendering the camera feature useless. Maybe like getting some glass etching liquid from the craft store and putting a drop on the lens. Definitely talk to your mom, though. There really should be strong consequences for his actions.
>>**OOP:**
>>
>>I hadn't thought of that, thanks!
>>
>>Yeah, I recently told her but I doubt she'll do anything.
>>>**User 2:**
>>>
>>>take matters into your own hand. Destroying the lens on the camera might be a good start.
*In the final update, OOP asked for more advice on how to deal with her peeping brother. She received plenty of advice, but no update was ever given. Because it has been a decade since the last update, we should not expect to see anymore updates. Thus, this is being marked as INCONCLUSIVE.*
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,155 | 2023-08-23T17:10:23 | I just caught my younger brother trying to record me naked. I don't know if he's done it before. | INCONCLUSIVE | Ok-Donut3656 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15z9zqd/i_just_caught_my_younger_brother_trying_to_record/ | false | false | [
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15zkc3n | **I am not The OOP, OOP is u/InuFan4yasha
**Ex reaching out after 10 years, I'm at a loss for what to answer with.**
**Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/c2au98/ex_reaching_out_after_10_years_im_at_a_loss_for/) **June 19, 2019**
Throw away account because this needs to stay secret for now. I ( call me Anthony '32 years old') have been with my current gf (call her Michelle '33 years old') for 4 years, no plans of marriage and one time she cheated on me (drunk, mistake, blah blah blah) whatever I forgave her. We are pretty much best friends that do everything together and live together, other than the one instance of cheating we have had no major issues and live a pretty good life. She does not want marriage or kids, I do though... its a hard no for her.
Recently my ex (call her Nicole '32 years old') contacted me over a promise we made back when we broke up; "When and if we were both not married by 32, we would find a way to be together". Some back story on her and I: Childhood friends, started dating in middle school, dated through highschool, she was accepted to her dream college and so was I.. on opposite ends of the country (Virginia Tech for her and Stanford for me). We did long term for 2 years until deciding to let each other live their life and be more connected to maybe someone closer if it was going to happen, this was a mutual decision and we broke up contact at that point so that we could move on. Her parents still talk to me on occasion (live 4 hours away), same with sister (20 minutes away) and her grandparents( 2 hours away) but never about her per my request.
So flash forward I have been getting calls from a weird number once every month since September and just didnt answer because I dont answer numbers I dont know (figure if important they would leave a message). Ex's sister comes by and says "hey, this is from Nicole. she said you can read it and respond if you want, and if not then she will understand soon enough". For the life of me I had forgotten our weird promise but the letter goes as this:
"Hey (Anthony), I know neither of us have been in contact in the last 10 years, but im asking if you still remember the promise we made. I have no right to ask of it, and if you have moved on then its okay, as i want you to be happy.
First and foremost i want you to know this isn't a desperation attempt because I am lonely. My sister was quite keen on giving that as the probable reason as to why ive been feeling this way and why I am bringing up that old promise. this is more along the lines of I just cant imagine my life with anyone else. I yes, have been on many dates and had one relationship that lasted over a year, but there was always this lack feeling in me that well in all honestly; they weren't you. You're the guy I knew instantly when were young that i would want to be with forever, the guy who made me smile, that I could wake up next to and was genuinely happy knowing that we were together. In my mind you (Anthony) have been my only want and desire, that day we decided to try and move on because of the distance... I wont lie took me about a year to realize how stupid that was. It was mutual but my feelings are that I pushed you towards it, I honestly feel like the first suggestion of giving time to each other to finish school and not have to try and coordinate our lives, was the stupidest mistake I could ever of done. (Anthony) you are my soul mate, my love, my life, and that is why what comes next I say with all fear aside.
I am ready to leave everything and find a new job, to move back to (candyland) and be with you. Im fully prepared to do this if you even think there can be a chance of us again, I LOVE YOU! I love you and nobody else will ever take the place you have in my heart. I talked to my parents and friends, they are in full support of this (also thank you so much for being there for my parents when they needed help moving and working on dads bike and truck, I had no idea until a few days ago). I will be fully commited to being yours, I want to be part of your life and want you to be in mine forever, growing old, seeing the world change the lives we live together as one, and most importantly I just want us to be happy. Ive wasted enough time holding back what I have wanted to say for the last few years, (Anthony) I love you so much, I want to live my life with you. Im prepared to leave it all for you, and lastly my love, my childhood friend, my soulmate... im more than prepared to be your wife and be the mother to our children. If i dont hear back by the end of the month, i will assume you have moved on for the better and will do my best not to reach out again. If you decide otherwise I have left my number and email.
Love; insert nickname from childhood, Nicole"
To be honest I dont know if I should respond or what I should do. She left her number (one that has been calling me), and her email. im conflicted a lot really. I literally cried when I read the letter and it brought back a lot of emotions that I didnt think were still there. Since (Michelle), (Nicole) and I all went to the same highschool they both know each other and im honestly afraid (Michelle) will tell me to go be with her without a second thought if i told her about (Nicole) reaching out only just knowing how she is as a person. I've been debating it since getting the letter yesterday and since I always see good advice here I thought to ask the reddit family.
If this isn't the right subreddit, I can repost somewhere else and apologize if so.
EDIT: 9:58pm PST 6/18. Lots of great advice! Tomorrow Michelle and I are going on a hike so I'm going to bring up what I want and need out of a relationship to be happy. Will update tomorrow all!
EDIT 2: 1:15pm 6/19. I talked to my current gf first. We had a big talk that was the last 6 hours we were hiking about what we are both wanting in the future, she made it clear that kids and adoption are out of her plan and suggested that we should just be friends if that's what I truly want in the future. I told her that I would still be friends with her no matter what since all the things we do together and she laughed and said "no kids, and I keep my best friend who loves to do the same things I do? Cha ching! It's all good, rather we both be happy in the long run, don't feel too bad or think this is a mistake". We then talked about the letter from my ex and she pretty much said Nicole sounds crazy, but if it's something I want to pursue because of the history we had, then she has no ill feelings of me going that route. Also said if it doesn't work out then I can always go back to "plan: no kids and freedom" , thanked me for bringing it up then in her typical fashion joked about me going to be blue balled for a while. Rest of the hike was pretty much us talking like we normally do then debating lunch. When we got to the trail head I asked if she wanted any alone time or not, she said no, and that she eventually thought this would happen as we got older. Asked me if we can still do the friend stuff until something else happens in our lives and I told her yes of course, she said no harm in that then and that was that. We're at the mall for her girls lunch and I'm sitting at the table like a weirdo ha. Umm yeah until I call up the ex and see what she is like that is it for now.
[Update - 2 years later](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mqjklb/ex_reaching_out_after_10_years_im_at_a_loss_for/) **Apr 14, 2021**
Good evening redditors, a while back (2019) I posted here in relationship advice about an ex that reached out after a decade. Recently I was messaged by a few different people asking for an update. Whether you three had been refreshing the page since then or it just randomly showed up in your searches, I wanted to post up the conclusion of what happened, what is still happening and the journey since the post was made.
After Michelle and I ended our relationship (kinda, nothing changed aside from living together and sex), Nicole and I started to make plans for when she came out here for her grandmas birthday. Talking on the phone a lot, emails back and forth, we decided on waiting to video chat or send pics to another since it wasn’t too far off when she would be visiting and we thought it would be a good surprise. The initial hello was awkward as hell. When she got out of the terminal, I recognized her right off the bat and was amazed that she pretty much looked exactly the same as when I last remembered. I had seen pictures at her sisters and parents but I was floored on how much she hadn't changed in the last 10 years. Getting into the car we kinda just stared at one another for a minute and she started off with “well... if you don’t drive anywhere, people are going to start honking smart guy”. That started our week long catching up journey. We first went to go get some food and decided on pizza (ohhh yeah), and it was pretty easy going from that moment on. We shared stories of what life has been like, showed off scars, looked at each other's trips and vacations, shared each other's hobbies, she asked about our old group of friends and who’s still around..ect. That small first meeting changed everything in life for us both, I wont go into specifics or minor details on the following dates and days, but to say that week went by in a heartbeat is an understatement. When it was time for grandmas birthday it was like old times again, the family was easy to be around, we all joked and laughed and didn’t have much of any problems throughout the week (our music taste was the only problem, lots of fighting over that radio dial hahaha). The goodbye felt..painful, our week of vacation was over and it was time to get back to our lives half a country apart.
Flash forward a few weeks, and we decided that I go visit her this time around. Phone conversations were going great and airfare was cheap enough. Texted before I got on the plane and told her my arrival time, landed and felt like I was ghosted. Not there to pick me up, wasn’t answering the phone, didn’t respond to any texts, facebook said last online 4 hours ago, I started to feel like maybe this was some joke on my behalf and was worried, about 45 minutes go by and im walking towards a hotel when the phone rings and I find out she was so ancy about me coming that she spent the night awake and upon hearing I was on the way, promptly passed out hard. By the time she got to me I was a sweaty mess but was apologetic all the way to her place (...and the following 2 days). We hung out the entire time pretty much doing what we couldn’t do where I live (days at the beach, swimming, me getting in a small amount of rockhounding while she looked for critters, and eating all the cajun food I could ever hope). In a nutshell it went great and other than the constant bald jokes (I had shaved my head), it was all fun. Meeting her friends, her dog, hanging out and doing things we each love was just... tranquil in every way possible. When It came time to say goodbye she asked if I had any vacation time left and if I did if she could come back up for longer and I of course said yes.
Four months go by of back and forth travelling on weekends, always on the phone, and by that point I feel like its time, I ask her if she wants to move in with me, immediately said yes and we made our last vacation week into a road trip to bring her up to where I live. Our dogs got along and she was able to transfer to a new department based pretty close to where we lived. It was a dream coming true and it too went by so fast that honestly it feels like it was yesterday. She actually asked me to marry her a few months later and I of course said yes! She had glow in the dark rocks setup to ask me in our yard when we went up to the deck to watch the stars.
I feel like I am going on a rant here... so much for not every detail, right? Hahahaha. Well, it's been close to a couple years now since everything started. We have a beautiful daughter together “Arianna” (adopted, we had issues, she wouldn’t be able to give birth), our dogs are jerks and doofuses, Michelle and Nicole have met and we are all friends again, they actually hang out a lot together, she has moved on and we still do a lot of our favorite hobbies together as a group or separately. With COVID and us being at home non stop together, its been just fine. Were things perfect? No. But nothing ever is, we had our issues in the beginning and still squabble over stupid things at times. To everyone that was part of the initial journey, I hope you’ve enjoyed this follow up. This was the best decision and my only regret is that we didn’t reconcile our relationship earlier. This has went by in a flash and honestly I cant wait to see what the future holds for us, each day is refreshing and a smile rarely leaves my face. I get to spend my life with not only my first love and childhood friend, but also with great friends and family that are always there for us both.
TLDR: Ex reached out after 10 years, broke it off with my current who was fine with it more than I was, ex and I got back together, dream of having a child came true, didn’t lose anyone in my life and honestly couldn’t be happier. Go for what you believe and take chances, never know what might happen!
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 6,565 | 2023-08-23T23:18:52 | Ex reaching out after 10 years, I'm at a loss for what to answer with. | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15zkc3n/ex_reaching_out_after_10_years_im_at_a_loss_for/ | false | false | [
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15zppo4 | I am not OP; that would be u/throwrapitifulone
Both the original and first update were trending on the top of r/ relationship\_advice when they came out, and OOP made an update in July that he said will be his last one
Trigger Warning: online harassment
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/y4chpr/wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our_wedding/): **October 14th, 2022**
I (m28) knew her since college, and I'll get that out of the way first. The past few days have shown a different side of her that's a little surprising because Kate is her best friend from college. My wife (Nancy) wanted to do a mini talent show at our reception, and she talked it up beforehand too. She read a poem that she made for the event, and Kate performed a song that she wrote. Long story short, one of the guests who I invited is into producing, and he reached out to her after she performed. They exchanged information, and Kate was really excited. He wanted to network with her following the reception, and she even thanked my wife for hosting the talent show over text
But Nancy became really bitter about it, and that's why I'm writing this. She hasn't responded to Kate's message, and she said she regretted doing the talent show too. She also asked me to block Edward (the producer) on my socials/contacts, and I told her that that seemed a bit much. She didn't like my answer and said that I was wrong to "not take her side after just getting married", but I told her that she should be happy for her friend. She didn't like that either and vented to some in our friend group about how Kate was "bragging", but some of them disagreed. She said she didn't want to hang out with them for the time being, and that included me too. Two of her girlfriends even texted me that she was "overreacting" and that they were also surprised to see her act that way (they also asked if she was okay too). My dad is suggesting counseling and said that asking me to remove friends is an unhealthy way to start a marriage, and I'm honestly more than a little scared. I asked if she'd be open to counseling, but she said there was "no need" because "Kate was her friend first" and I "shouldn't choose Kate over her." I just want to ask what to do next since she refused counseling and sees no issue with cutting off our friends
*edit*: *I want to add that Nancy complained that her poem didn't get as good of a reception as Kate's song. Kate didn't study music in college but practices on the side, and her text was really thankful for the opportunity that the talent show provided. Kate is also engaged to her long-time boyfriend*
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yj9s89/update_wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our_wedding/): **November 1st, 2022**
It's been a little over two weeks since my first post, and I've had some time to try and process. A lot of it still feels surreal having known her since my early 20s and the 180 after the wedding. I want to address a few things that were asked in my first post before getting to the update. Nancy and Kate were not the only ones who performed in the talent show. During planning, Nancy said she wanted to "showcase" her friends and how "awesome/proud" she was to have them. She also said it was a bonding thing between her girlfriends (from our friend group), and the girls were the ones who performed. However, given her post-reception 180, it really surprised me in comparison to her pre-talent show mindset. A few people commented that she didn't need to have a talent show to read the poem she made for the wedding. She could've just read it at any time as the bride
The reason I'm writing this post is because of something else that came up and led to a conversation. We had a vacation coming up, but she no longer wants to go on it. In the time since my first post, she's continued to have random mood swings due to thinking about Kate. Sometimes that's venting about how Kate "would have nothing without her" or getting really quiet and distant (even while eating). She's also still upset at her girlfriends who she vented to about Kate. But when they disagreed and called her out for being bitter over a talent show no one forced her to have, she told me to cut off our friend group along with blocking the producer/girlfriends too. When I disagreed, she became distant and said I was "choosing them over her"
My dad suggested counseling and talking to her again because asking me to cut off friends was an "unhealthy start to the relationship". So I talked to her after my first post and asked if she'd be open to it, but she said there was no need because "all I had to do was cut them off". She also said I was "choosing them over her" and that she wouldn't go on our vacation until I did. When I asked her why Kate bothered her so much, she said she tried to publish in the past (a novel) and "didn't get any hand-me-downs then". But when I reminder her that my friend was a producer on the side in his basement, she said I" should've known better than to invite him" as if I should've known he would've liked Kate's song. When I told her that I wouldn't block the producer/entire friend group, she said I was "entitled like Kate" and that she wanted a break because I didn't care about her. I told her that I love her but didn't think it was healthy to cut off everyone. I also told her that she should be happy for her friend because Kate was really grateful, but she didn't seem to care
She has since gone to stay with her parents and left some of her things in our apartment. I talked to my dad after she ignored texts/calls for a few days, and he suggested bringing up an annulment because it had gone too far. Her parents have also ignored my calls, but I want to clarify Kate's text before I'm done. Kate wasn't arrogant or anything to Nancy. All she did was thank her for putting together the talent show that allowed her to network with the producer after the wedding, and she also offered to take her out to lunch as thanks. There was no arrogance from Kate, and the producer is also engaged as some people inquired about too. I'm just really surprised and hurt that her bitterness turned me into a bad guy for inviting my producer friend as if I was supposed to see into the future and not invite him
*edit: Nancy got the idea to make a poem for the reception after watching the poet (Amanda Gorman) read her works at the inauguration and super bowl. She also said that it wasn't out of place for her to read at the reception when "most people watching football aren't smart enough to appreciate poetry"*
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapitifulone/comments/103f9q0/final_update_my_wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our/): **January 4th, 2023**
Just wanted to come back to conclude this because it's been helpful to hear opinions and get everything out. A lot of people asked how I was in messages, and there were too many to reply too. We are currently in the process of a divorce. She's staying with her parents, and I've had some time to process and see things differently. I want to touch on two things that's happened since my update. The first is a Facebook post she made about me and the guests. In her post, she said she was "supposed to win" and that it was an "unwritten rule" for the bride to win (as if wedding talent shows are normal). She also accused them of "smiting her on her day" when no one knew about the show beforehand except her participating friends. She then accused me of "taking Kate's side" instead of comforting her as her new husband, but taking her side meant cutting off our friend group as she had in the aftermath. I don't know how her parents feel after she called out both sides of the guests, but I really don't care at this point. She also wanted me to cut off my producer friend (Edward) who approached Kate after she sang her original song and asked if they wanted to collab sometime, and I want to focus on that
I talked to Edward recently about everything including how she wanted me to cut him off, and he couldn't believe how much it affected her. Nancy and I watched a football game at his house with him and his fiancée some months back, and he has a day job in an office. When I told him about how Nancy was jealous of Kate's "big break", he couldn't believe it and said that he planned to let Kate use his audio interface to plug into her guitar and record a high quality instrumental of her original along with his microphone too. He also said he wasn't great at mixing and was taking online courses to learn, so he was gonna suggest that she commission someone to mix/enhance the files they'd record because he was far from a professional. He's a really chill guy, but he couldn't stop laughing over how Nancy thought that he was all that. He only wanted to use his interface to give her a high quality recording after learning that she didn't have equipment and recorded her original on her phone. He and his fiancée planned to have her for dinner (just like they had me and Nancy over for football) and record it in the basement afterwards
Looking back in hindsight, it's crazy how you can be blinded to things, but I never imagined just how crazy she could get. I didn't say this in my first two posts because I thought it might overshadow her actions, but she sometimes posts about women empowerment on her socials, and I recently thought about that for one reason. When I asked her why she wanted to have a talent show, she said she wanted to "emphasize the importance of having good friends" because they were "important to a relationship". But as I look at it now, perhaps it was never about that. Nancy was bothered the second that Kate's song got a better reception than her, and she doubled down when she vented to two of her girlfriends after the wedding who called her out for being jealous, and that made her demand I also cut off our friend group. To everyone who asked what her poem was about, it was about women empowerment and the importance of having good friends and family when starting a family, and she told me the premise beforehand although she never showed me the poem. She wanted it to be a surprise, but I never had a chance to see it on paper after the wedding for... reasons. Many people also corrected how she said that Kate received a "hand me down" opportunity at the wedding, but the proper term was "handout" as many corrected. I really appreciate everyone who offered advice as it helped a lot mentally, not to mention looking back at how crazy it all was. Just hoping to fully get over it as time goes on, but I've gotten over some of it recently
[New Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapitifulone/comments/103f9q0/final_update_my_wifef28_held_a_talent_show_at_our/): **July 13th, 2023**
I really thought my last update would be my last, but Nancy apparently had other ideas. This update doesn't really involve me and is mostly for those who have reached out via DMs because I can't reply to all of them, so this is more convenient. Months later, I'm grateful that everything came out when it did, and we are officially no longer together. She wanted nothing to do with me after accusing me of taking Kate's side by refusing to cut off friends who said she overreacted when she vented about Kate stealing her thunder by getting a better reception for her song (among other hateful things she said about her), and that made the process easier. However, months later, Nancy's still not over it, but I want to give an update on Kate first
Kate reached out to me towards the end of the divorce process because Nancy took out her frustration on her, and she told me some things I didn't know. I mentioned in my first update that Kate sent a text thanking Nancy for the opportunity to sing at the wedding after it led to her meeting the producer, and she sent shortly after the reception. However, unbeknownst to me, Nancy sent her DMs blaming her for the divorce before it was official, and that was news to me. She told me she was sorry for performing at the wedding along with the divorce, but I told her that she had nothing to apologize for. Her best friend (Nancy) asked her to perform, and she simply did, but Nancy didn't stop at DMs
Since my last update and the divorce becoming official, Nancy went online to make her feelings public; not just about Kate but the friends who said she was overreacting too. She said that her friends should've "talked her out of the talent show" because "friends look after each other" (when the talent show was her idea entirely that she pushed for against suggestions otherwise). She accused them of being "fake friends" who "never had her back" and "sided with Kate" over her, and she had the nerve to tag them too. However, she left the worse for Kate
She accused Kate (and her friends) of "setting her up" on her day, and she made a separate Facebook post to rant about Kate. She also called her a B among other things, but she also disclosed some mental health challenges/medications from Kate's past, and it was petty and very inappropriate. I want to reiterate that Kate was her best friend long before me, but she also disclosed a very personal event (that I never knew about) from Kate's life which was wrong, and it led to people finding out that Kate hadn't told and caused her a lot of stress from what I've heard
Some of the people in Nancy's friend group reached out to me before the divorce too, and one of them we'll call Hannah (who knew Nancy before me too) said that she knew about Nancy's struggles to publish as she vented years back (after I told her about my talk with Nancy where she brought up her publishing struggles), and she said that many of them tried to encourage her. However, she never saw that jealous side of her despite knowing her for much longer, and she thinks it was the culmination of wedding stress among other things, but she didn't want to chalk it up to just that because she said that that was a deeper insecurity. She also told me to not beat myself up too much because her friend group never saw that side of her too, and they knew her for years before me. Nancy's friend group has since cut her off, but the last thing I'll say is on Kate
Kate and her friends have been really supportive and even apologized for not talking her out of the talent show beforehand, but I told them that they had nothing to apologize for because Nancy accused me of inviting my producer friend and not magically knowing that he would've networked with Kate. Hannah said that Kate's been really hurt about the sensitive posts and having to explain to people she never told. She also said that Kate's thinking of trying to go after Nancy legally, but she's not sure if anything can be done since it was on Facebook (now deleted) although she got screenshots, but it's apparently taken a toll on her mental health to the point that she's trying to see her options. I won't come back to this again because it doesn't really involve me at this point, but I'm trying my best to be supportive of her too because she didn't deserve any of this, but I hope it all works out for her in time whether she decides to pursue legally or not | 7,419 | 2023-08-24T03:08:43 | (New Update) OOP's wife held a talent show at their wedding reception because she wanted to read a poem. Her friend who sang networked with a guest who happened to be a producer. She then became bitter for weeks | NEW UPDATE | ThrowRA3837374 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15zppo4/new_update_oops_wife_held_a_talent_show_at_their/ | false | false | [
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15zqti5 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Scared-Weakness-6250](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH
**Mood Spoiler:** >!decent ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/156xijb/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/?sort=old)**: July 22, 2023 (Removed from AITA, preserved in comments)**
Happened today.
My folks decided to host a barbeque because I guess that's what older people do. I declined because I really don't like my two sisters, their husbands or their kids (wife and I are child free). Mom then pressured the wife. Long story short, we went.
By the time we arrived there were about 20 people there. My sisters and their husbands were already solidly buzzed. Drunk really. My mom was spending 100% of her time trying to keep the nieces & nephews (ages 7 to 11) more or less under control. My dad had strategically retreated to the whirlpool part of the pool with small cooler full of beers. Wife and I made small talk with miscellaneous people, ate food and had a frozen margarita. Sisters/BILs took turns criticizing us for being late, not being in our swimsuits and screwing up the vibe. Whatever. Typical suburban summer get together.
About 45 minutes in two of the kids ran at one of the neighbor guests who was standing next to the pool and pushed her in. She was at the pool steps, stumbled in but didn't fall so only got half wet. She was clearly very unhappy about it but she didn't make a scene, just went over to where the parents were, grabbed their towels, dried herself off and left. Sisters and BILs thought it was all great fun.
A bit later I was standing a few feet away from the pool chatting away with someone. I saw three of the kids running full tilt at me from the corner of my eye. Obviously I was next. Not that it's terribly difficult to outwit young kids but I just jumped out of their way at the last second. All three of them ran straight into the pool at full speed. Most of the other guests (including my wife and me) started laughing but their moms - who as I mentioned were pretty shitfaced - absolutely freaked out. Apparently two of the kids couldn't swim even though they were in swimsuits. Since I wasn't in swim gear I stepped back from the pool and let other people fish the kids out. The kids were bawling their heads off like they'd lost a limb.
At that point all hell broke loose. The four drunk parents were yelling at everyone in general and me in particular for "nearly letting their kids drown" and also because two of the kids had been videoing the trick using their parents' iPhones, which were now at the bottom of the pool. One of my BILs got into the pool to try to retrieve the phones but his BMI and BAC made that impossible. No one else volunteered to help, unsurprising given that my sisters were still bitching at everyone.
I told my sisters it was their job to watch the their kids and that if anything had happened to them it would have been their responsibility not mine. There were some pretty strong words on both sides. Wife and I left after the other BIL fell over and face planted while yelling at us. Now they're saying I should have let the little shits knock me into the pool and have their fun (and ruin my phone). So... AITA?
Side note: Dad, of course, never got out of the whirlpool.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Thoughts from OOP:*
"I realize they're just kids and they were just having fun. The fact that they though this was OK is more of a reflection on their parents than them.
Just wish we hadn't gone. It's nice to see my folks and their neighbors but I really, really don't like my sisters or their husbands. They don't hide their envy of us and they're just exhausting to be around."
*More about why OOP doesn't care for some of his family:*
"It's more of an oil and water sort of thing. I've never been close to my sisters, they're 8 and 10 years older than me. I also don't have much in common with their husbands. They're OK guys but I just don't give a crap about the things that are important to them and vice versa.
I do know that the four of them are somewhat envious of our lifestyle. Both the sisters are stay at home moms. Both the husbands make good money - one makes noticeably more than I do - but both my wife and I have professional careers, we don't have kids and we're way more responsible with money. As a result we have a lot more investments, etc. and we don't have to drive cars full of kid debris and we take nice trips once or twice a year. It definitely grates on both sisters and by extension their husbands. So we get some petty behavior from them on an ongoing basis.
Overall neither my wife nor I enjoy their company which is why I wanted to skip the get together. Just not worth it to me. But my wife is a positive person and is usually happy to see them."
*Hopefully next time your wife won't feel guilted into going:*
"That's probably the one positive thing that will come out of this. Wife is much more tolerant and forgiving than I am towards my siblings but based on what she was saying on the way home I think she's had it with them as well."
*Your dad sounds awesome:*
"Yeah, my dad's very chill. He loves being around groups of people (used to be in sales), likes people to enjoy themselves and is definitely enjoying life as a retiree. He and two other guys with him just sat there and watched the show. Mom's cool too but the situation upset her."
*Kids ok?*
"The kids are fine, by the time I left they were inside watching TV. I think they're 7, 9, 10, 10, and 11. It was the middle three who played kamikaze with me. I'm guessing the 11 year old egged them on, she's usually the ringleader."
*You phrased the part about your parents hosting a bbq oddly:*
"I had to shorten the post to fit in the character limit.
My folks are gregarious and like to have people over. They have the classic great-for-entertaining house and are always coming up with a reason to get together. They'd wanted everyone to be at their place for the 4th of July but one of my sisters and her family were on a vacation, so this was a "fake" 4th of July party complete with flags, red white and blue decorations, barbeque, a margarita machine, etc. Sparklers were promised to the kids. My nieces and nephews were the only kids there, all of the neighbors are older like my parents."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15u2n72/update_aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my/)**: August 17, 2023 (Almost 1 month later)**
First off, my folks tell me that my nieces and nephews are all good swimmers and that they use the pool all the time. The 7 year old is still a beginner but he loves the water. My sister just said they couldn't swim so I'd look bad. To be fair none of the kids are allowed in the deep end which is where they fell in. It was the two 10 year olds and the 9 year old who tried to push me into the pool.
After we left the party ended on a pretty sour note. My drunk brother in law who face planted while yelling at me had to go to an urgent care place and get his face stitched up. He was too toasted to drive so Dad took him. Dad was very not happy about this.
Late that evening my sisters started a group text and said some really nasty crap. Their husbands threw in a few comments as well. Wife and I blocked the four of them. My mom called me, she was pretty upset about what they said (she and dad were in the chat) and I don't blame her.
Because of the texts my folks insisted my sisters / BILs come over the next day (Sunday) without their kids to "get some things straight and lay down some ground rules" (mom's wording). The result was a contrite if unenthusiastic apology from the siblings via my mom's phone. I'm glad my wife was with me when they called - her hard stares kept me from saying what I wanted to. I just told them thanks and that we felt no need to discuss it further.
Since I thought things were settled I unblocked them. That evening I got a text from one of the BILs telling me the phones cost $XXXX and asking when I'd be paying for them. WTF??? I replied "Never", took a screenshot of his text and forwarded it to my folks with a note that we were done with this nonsense, were going no contact with sisters / spouses and not to invite us to any more holidays or get togethers if they'll be present. Then I blocked the sisters and their spouses again.
At that point the shit really hit the fan. Dad called them and ripped them a new one. Among other things he told them the grandkids were not welcome at his place indefinitely. Since my mom regularly provides free babysitting that got them pretty rattled. He also banned them from using the vacation house and told them my wife and I actually own it, not he and mom. This completely freaked them out - both of my sisters' / families use the place a lot including having their friends up for weekend getaways. This was very much out of character for my folks. They'd clearly had it. And for reference, I never wanted my sisters to know we own the place. We bought it for my folks, they'd always wanted a place in the mountains. Keeping the ownership quiet was just a way to avoid drama with my siblings.
A couple of days later my sisters and their husbands came to our place unannounced to apologize in person. We were were out to dinner and they left a note. One sister also called me at work too, I sent her to voicemail. We've decided being no contact is the best thing for the indefinite future and haven't interacted with them for the last 3+ weeks. Personally I'm done, they can go pound sand.
***Relevant Comments:***
*How life has been:*
"It's been less than a month but I have to say that blocking them has actually made our lives noticeably more peaceful. I hadn't realized how much ongoing low level drama they create. It's not toxic, they're not bad people, they're just tiresome and petty.
And I personally don't care about them using the weekend place. It's ours technically, but we bought it for my folks, they control it and decide who uses it when they aren't (we pay for all the operating costs and taxes).
One good thing about this blow up is that we now know what we'll be doing with the property when my folks get older. I was prepared to take over managing it, allocating weekends, maintaining it and such, but now we know we'll just sell it and if we want to go to the mountains we'll just rent an Airbnb."
*OOP's parents:*
"Yeah, my folks aren't dumb. They're pretty laid back though, very much live and let live. I figure they'll ease up on all of this soon but that's their decision. We still won't be attending any family events for the foreseeable future.
What sucks for my sisters is that they're probably very worried that I'll keep them from using the cabin (I won't, that's up to mom and dad until they are older). And it puts an end to one of the sisters' fantasy of building a "compound" of houses when "we" inherit the property, which I've known about for some time and had just ignored. Normally the lots up there are only have one area that can be built on, but this piece of property is way larger because it's at the end of a road. At least three houses with great views could be placed on that land."
*They're note genuinely sorry, they just want things from you:*
"I agree completely, their apologies aren't sincere. And I have no plans to interact with them anytime soon.
Regarding them using the vacation home - that's really my parents decision. Yes, technically I own it and cover all the expenses but I bought it for them and gave them day to day control over it. They're good people and they always wanted a getaway place for the family but there's no way they could have ever bought it themselves. I could afford to buy it for them because I've been fortunate financially, save / invest like a demon plus I got a massive bonus the same year I sold my home and moved in with my now wife. I don't care if my folks let my siblings use the house but I will admit I'm enjoying my sisters' discomfort over finding out that I could afford to buy the place and let my folks use it while never mentioning it to them. Dad changed the lock code when they went up last week so now only he, mom, my wife and I have it.
With regards to mom babysitting the kids, she tells me that once a week she and sometimes dad have been going over to each sister's place and spending the day with the kids. When school starts she's going to pick each set up from school once a week on separate days and take them home / spend the evening with them. She says the five of them together stress her out but separately they're fine.
Mom and dad have both told me they don't plan on having my sisters and their families back to their place in the foreseeable future and that they're enjoying the quiet. My guess is that they were already tired of the old dynamic and used the pool party nonsense as an excuse to make some changes to the relationships."
*One fun note on why OOP's post was removed from AITA:*
"According to the message I just read from the other sub's moderator the violence was "Property damage". I still don't get it. The phones being ruined I guess? Ridiculous."
​ | 9,613 | 2023-08-24T04:01:00 | AITA for jumping out of the way when my niece and nephew tried to push me into a pool, resulting in them falling in? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15zqti5/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/ | false | false | [
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15zqtok | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/scifisquirrel
**TIFU I thought a cute guy was ghosting me....only to find out I was actually ghosting him.**
**Originally posted to** r/tifu
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/wgb9xd/tifu_i_thought_a_cute_guy_was_ghosting_meonly_to/) **Aug 4, 2022**
I was at a party two weeks ago, where I only knew two people. when in walks this guy who immediately gave me this really big smile and I thought he was so gorgeous. We ended up talking in the same circle and he introduces himself. We start chatting and quickly find the circle around us has disappeared and it is just us.
He is so smart, his smile is outrageously cute, and I love how he seems laser focused on me instead of one of the many attractive women that have now joined the party and are talking about their cool Raya dates.
As the night wore on, I found myself talking to various different groups, but, each time this guy would appear again and we'd end up just talking to each other again. Someone who neither of us knew came up and said we made an attractive couple, and I realized somehow in the span of two hours we were already acting like a couple. It wasn't just being sexually attracted to him, I felt so comfortable around him and he was so attentive to my needs.
I told him offhand I had allergies to the dog at the party. Hours later when I started sneezing he immediately knew why and moved us outside. His smile was the thing that immediately caught my attention but it was the thoughtfulness that made it so at the end of the night, we catch an Uber home together and end up kissing. Before the Uber drops him off I give him my number.
Sunday comes, don't hear from him. Ok, ok, I get it, we both got home at 4am and I too just want to sleep the day away.
Monday comes. Silence.
Tuesday, even more silence. I know I've read how it is "uncool" to text a girl immediately because you want to seem super cool and wanted, but we're both in our mid-thirties and, I hoped, realized these mind games are bullshit. If you like someone, text them when you can. Life is too short to be with people half-interested in you.
Wednesday comes and I'm a mixture of angry and over it and insecure all at the same time. How dare he lead me on like this! ...Well, I guess I'm glad I only wasted one night on this asshole....was I not pretty enough? All these thoughts raced through my head and coalesced into me typing his name and work place into Google to see if I can find him.
Turns out, he was incredibly easy to find. I was planning on just looking at him because I missed his face, but I accidentally clicked the link that brought me to his LinkedIn page. Yikes! Now he'll know that I stalked him which made me feel even worse. >.< I probably looked crazy.
Welp, since I was already on his page I guess I'd look at where he had worked. Maybe he wasn't really interesting and I'd feel better about him ghosting me.
Nope, turns out he is not only very smart but also humble because his resume listed a dozen different cool jobs, impressive schools he's attended, things he's worked on. Great, I probably wasn't impressive enough for him. -_-
Not thirty minutes later he friends me on LinkedIn, but seems surprised that I was reaching out. He had evidently texted me that night, and again the next day, only to not hear anything back. I had ghosted him.
And this is how we found out my fuck up. When I gave him my number, turns out I was off by a digit. Turns out, tipsy me isn't so great at typing or proofreading.
If I hadn't been a creepy LinkedIn stalker, it could have been months, if ever, before we would have seen each other again. Right now we're laughing about it and setting up our first real date. Wish me luck Reddit!
TL;DR Thought a cute guy was ghosting me. Turns out, I gave him the wrong number. Fixed my fuck up by using my cyber stalking skills, and now we're going on a date!
[Update 1 year later](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/15tzc9j/tifupdate_a_year_ago_i_gave_a_guy_the_wrong/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 17, 2023**
A year ago I met a cute guy at a party, accidentally gave him the wrong number, and then found him again on LinkedIn. The last post stopped at the point where I had now given him my correct phone number.
We decided for our first date to walk around a park near the city and then grab a drink. I was anxious as soon as the date was set. Besides the normal first date jitters, I also carried the secret that I had posted the story of how I reconnected with him on reddit. Some thirty-five thousand people had upvoted it. Thousands more had seen it.
I needed to tell him about the reddit post but I was scared of how he would react. He probably already thought I was weird for looking him up on LinkedIn. I had no idea if he would see me posting our story to Reddit as a breach of his privacy, or attention seeking, or just plain weird.
The day of our date I waited for him by a park fountain. When I saw him walking towards me my heart skipped. I got made fun of in my last post for how much I complimented this guy’s smile and I don’t even care. Seeing him smile made me immediately happier. It also made me even more worried that I had messed up even the possibility of us becoming a thing by posting our story for the world to see.
We walked around the park and sat to talk under a pair of trees. It was a beautiful late summer day. I found myself holding his hand.
Slowly we headed to the nearby bar, and by this time I was shaking. When I got my drink in hand, I took a few sips and the words tumbled out. I thought our reconnection story was funny so I posted it to Reddit. I had gotten maybe twenty upvotes on anything I had ever posted before this, so I expected much the same. Then I started to get dozens of notifications from hundreds of people commenting on the post. A friend sent me the post because they thought I’d enjoy it. My sister called and asked if I had written it because she recognized my writing style. A newspaper wrote an article about it. The post had taken on a life of its own.
Then I showed him the reddit post. He read it quietly. When he was done, he stood up, came over, and gave me a kiss. With that I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. I learned he himself uses reddit and thought the post was sweet. The rest of the date we read the comments together and laughed about the whole thing.
Later that week he came over to my apartment and we cooked dinner together and talked more. Our conversation turned to the fact that neither of us liked casually dating multiple people at the same time. We didn’t know exactly what this was yet, but we knew we already liked each other. With that, it seemed we were dating.
The first few weeks of dating sped by, filled with apple picking, hiking, and many soup dumplings. I learned at late night karaoke that he has a beautiful singing voice, and he learned that I definitely did not, lol.
I told a friend later that we were dating and she asked yes, but is he your Boyfriend? Evidently in this new world of constant casualness you could be monogamously dating just for the fun of it but becoming a boyfriend or girlfriend meant you saw this person as someone really important.
In previous relationships I had felt like I was “supposed” to wait until the guy said he wanted to be with me, and it would look desperate to say ‘I love you’ before the guy did. This relationship felt different. There was no feeling that he was waiting to text me back to look cooler and more unavailable. There was no avoidance of talk about the future. It just felt like two people that were enjoying learning about each other, which in turn made me feel comfortable being open and honest with him.
So after six weeks of dating-but-maybe-not-being-my-boyfriend, I wrote my feelings down on a card and asked him to be my official boyfriend. And he accepted!
The rest of the year has been filled with adventures to foreign places where I proceeded to get us lost, twice, in a place after dark with no street lights (still sorry about that one babe!) and many trips to the grocery store that were thankfully a little less tumultuous. We’ve danced late into the night at concerts and cuddled in bed watching TV (we just finished Avatar the Last Airbender, the animated series). I’ve fallen asleep on his chest to the sound of the pattering rain, my last thoughts at the brink of sleep that I have never felt so safe.
I’ve woken up next to him and looked over at his face that looks so young and relaxed in sleep. But the hair that falls over his face already has some grey in it; seeing it fills me with sadness that our time together on this planet is finite.
Over the last year he has shown in a thousand small ways that he is not only a great boyfriend but a thoughtful friend and a caring son. My friends and family love him, and that makes me love him all the more.
He always makes me feel heard and seen, and he builds me up in a way that makes me feel like the best version of myself around him. He is brilliant, and competent at his job which is sexy as hell. He’s serious enough to have his finances in order but will still let loose and do silly dance moves with me while we’re cooking breakfast.
He is very clean, so I have never once felt like I shouldered the burden of housekeeping. I’m actually messier than him and have put a lot of effort into being cleaner out of respect. Not once has he raised his voice, and throughout this whole year I don’t think we’ve gotten into an argument. This relationship feels healthy, and happy, and calm.
I got a few comments from my last post that looking up someone on LinkedIn when they haven’t texted is crazy. Please know that if he had turned me down on LinkedIn I would have respected this and not contacted him further. It is just within a few hours of meeting this man, he felt inexplicably important in my life. I’m glad I trusted my gut to try and find him.
This last part is to my boyfriend, who wanted to be surprised by what I wrote. Over the last year you have become my favorite person and my best friend. I am so grateful that I met you, and grateful for each day I get to wake up next to you. I can’t wait to see what this next year brings for us. I love you, very much.
TL;DR: We’re dating!!
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 5,289 | 2023-08-24T04:01:11 | TIFU I thought a cute guy was ghosting me....only to find out I was actually ghosting him. | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15zqtok/tifu_i_thought_a_cute_guy_was_ghosting_meonly_to/ | false | false | [
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15zre48 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is still** [u/LadySavings](https://www.reddit.com/user/LadySavings/). She posted in r/AITAH
I wrote two previous BORU posts [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/152nm2o/aitah_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15as4dt/newest_updates_husband_accused_me_of_financial/). **This post was too long to include all of the posts, so I included OOP's tldr's of the first two posts** and then the most recent updates, including the newest. The newest update will be marked with \*\*\*\*\*
**Trigger Warning:** >!infidelity; Andrew Tater Tot idiocy!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!OOP is going to be ok but also yikes and the AUDACITY!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14pynpt/aitah_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/)**: July 3, 2023**
TL;DR: Husband and I (33M/33F) are fairly high income earners (about 200K/year each), own our home free and clear, no other debts of any kind - we save close to half of our income and most finances are joint but we allocate $1500/month each (plus any extra income such as from bonuses or side hustles) for "fun money" (for hobbies, luxury goods, outings with our own friends that aren't together, etc.). Husband tends to spend his fun money month to month due to his expensive hobbies (primarily golf) while I tend to save the majority of mine because my interests (such as running and baking) are less expensive. I have been getting back into gaming lately, though, and having saved up more than enough of my fun money, I spent $5K on a new gaming rig and really nice desk and chair. Husband blew a gasket and accused me of "financial infidelity" even though I was operating within what I thought were our agreed-upon rules by spending my own allocated fun money on hobby stuff.
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14x9o69/update_husband_accused_me_of_financial_infidelity/)**: July 11, 2023 (8 days later)**
TLDR: husband told me he was actually upset that he feels I'm not professionally ambitious enough because I'm not on the "executive" track like he is, and that (despite my working full-time) he wanted me to cook fancier meals, set the table in a more elegant way, and dress up more for dinner - yes, like a 1950s housewife
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1530ql7/further_update_husband_accused_me_of_financial/)**: July 18, 2023**
Hi All...so I have an additional (and probably not very surprising) update to my saga.
So, the more I thought about it, the more his requests - demands, really - were sitting poorly with me. I decided to try a little experiment over the weekend to see what would happen if I tried to meet some of his demands. NOT because I actually thought they were reasonable, but because I increasingly had the sense that the goalposts would just keep moving and that I was playing a losing game. So, Saturday morning, I went to the salon for a glow-up (haircut, fresh highlights, mani/pedi) then went to the farmer's market to pick up fresh flowers for our table and assorted other gourmet ingredients. Saturday is usually our date night out but I suggested we stay in so I could make us a special dinner, steakhouse style (lobster bisque, bread basket with several types of rolls/savory muffins made from scratch, crab-stuffed mushrooms, filet mignon, au gratin potatoes, white chocolate mousse topped with raspberries). I wore a lavender (his favorite color on me) sheath dress and high heels and fully done hair and makeup. For all that I got a lukewarm "thanks, it was tasty" and a kiss on the cheek. Of course I did all the serving and cleanup.
Sunday we usually go out but he suggested I make us brunch at home. So I made French-press coffee, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, Belgian waffles with a bananas Foster topping, eggs scrambled with parmesan and fresh herbs from our garden, roasted fingerling potatoes, and maple-glazed bacon. I wore a blue sleeveless sundress, wedge sandals, again did my hair and makeup. Again I got a "thanks, it's good" and no help with serving or cleanup.
Afterwards I asked if this is what he had in mind when he critiqued me before. He said that it was a start, but that I was "acting very entitled for wanting credit for basic adulting."
He then dropped a bomb that he was being so hard on me because he had realized lately I had a lot to make up for due to my being a "low-value woman." I asked what on earth he meant by that and he said it was because I wasn't a virgin when we met.
WHAT?!?!
Keep in mind we started dating at 21, neither of us claimed to be virgins or stated that as an expectation. Except for very religious people (neither of us is) I don't think most 21-year-old college students are virgins. I was upfront with him then that I'd had two previous partners, my high school boyfriend (we went our separate ways when we went to different colleges in different parts of the country) and another boyfriend I'd had my first year of college. And that's it, both committed relationships and nothing casual.
He then went on to say that because of my low value, I was going to need to be making it up to him for the rest of my life. That I didn't deserve monogamy or equal treatment and that I was lucky that anyone at all wanted to marry me. And - that he's "connected" with someone from work so if I wanted to keep him I'd better step up.
I told him it didn't sound like there was anything to keep if he no longer loved me (or even liked or respected me). Told him to leave and he said he would gladly go to his girlfriend's place.
I know SO many people here insisted he was having an affair and I just didn't want to see it, that his "complaints" were really all part of a campaign to distance himself from me. I feel SO foolish for just thinking he was going through a stressful time at work or that he genuinely wanted to work on our marriage.
Anyway I have taken the week off from work to get my head together. Have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Canceled the marriage counseling appointment but got a referral to an individual therapist who can do an intake session with me later in the week. He (and the girlfriend apparently) are coming this evening to get more of his clothes and things so I have to brace myself for that.
Also, please be assured I do NOT think I am low-value in any way. I let my husband make me think less of myself on some levels for a short time but now I truly see it was a "him" problem. Obviously we don't share the same goals and values and he has become someone I don't recognize.
I know the divorce won't be fun or easy, but I will be okay. Thank you all for helping me see that I was being played before I wasted too much more time in a marriage that was already over.
***Relevant Comments:***
*One last gem from the 'husband':*
"Yes, it seems like he fell down a toxic masculinity hole at some point fairly recently.
Retroactively punishing me for not being a virgin at the outset, after a 12-year relationship including 10 years of marriage, is just completely over the top.
I even said, "So this person you connected with at work, is actually a virgin?"
"Well, she WAS," he said, with a smirk. (So, virgin or not, someone who would sleep with a married colleague is higher-value than me? Unless he lied about his marital status/situation which I wouldn't put past him.)"
"Yes, he admitted he has been having an affair for several months. He kept trying to say that "it doesn't really count as cheating" because I'm low-value so the standards are different."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/154x90a/additional_update_financial_infidelity/) **2: July 20, 2023 (17 days from OG post)**
Hi All - I wasn't going to post another update (at least not this soon), but have gotten dozens of DMs/messages asking if I am okay and how things are going - so this is specifically in response to those who were checking in on me.
To recap my story, I first posted a couple weeks ago that my husband accused me of financial infidelity after I spent $5K of my own "fun money" allotment on a gaming computer, desk and chair, even though my spending was within our agreed-upon rules; he subsequently "admitted" that he wasn't really upset about the gaming setup, but about what he perceived as a lack of professional ambition (I'm a senior software dev and we make the same salary at the moment), plus he wanted me to cook more elaborate meals, put more effort into home decor, and dress up more for him. Finally, about a week later he accused me of being "low value" due to not being a virgin when we met (at age 21 - neither was he - and he never once previously criticized that in our 12 years together) and told me he was having an affair with a younger coworker who had been a virgin (gross, I know). Then he moved out (and in with her). Folks have been asking me this week how things went with him picking up his stuff, meeting with my lawyer, etc. so wanted to share those updates for anyone interested.
So, he was supposed to come get his stuff on Tuesday evening, a couple days ago, but told me at the last minute he couldn't because "Amy" (his girlfriend) wasn't feeling well. Some people called in the comments, but yes, she's pregnant apparently. He told me this on text so I have proof of the affair in writing now, it's not just his word against mine.
Anyway I didn't want him to keep jerking me around on the schedule, for whatever reason, so I told him I'd pack his stuff for him and arrange for movers. I think it's better that way, I really didn't want him/them in the house. I already had arranged for a friend to come over on Tuesday when he and Amy were supposed to come by so the two of us spent the evening packing his clothes and other personal effects. The movers came yesterday and got the boxes and the furniture items he wanted. He didn't want much, just the stuff from his home office and his dresser, as apparently Amy's apartment is small. I provided a detailed inventory and photos of everything, which he approved, so he can't say that I broke or otherwise ruined his stuff.
After that yesterday I went to the clinic to get STD tests (won't have the results for a week or so, but thankfully I haven't had any symptoms) and met with my lawyer, who said I had a good case for grounds of adultery and mental cruelty if I want/need to go that route (at a minimum it's leverage to get him to settle quickly and quietly). Also locked down all the finances within the parameters provided by the lawyer so that he can't empty our joint funds or take anything that belongs to me, changed account beneficiaries and all that fun stuff. Changed the locks to the house too.
I decided to take the advice of some of the commenters and am getting rid of the bed and other bedroom furniture I shared with him (I'm donating it, someone is coming this afternoon to haul it all off) and am going to completely redecorate the bedroom to my own taste (that will take a bit, staying in one of the guest rooms in the meantime). I'm also taking a spa weekend away, leaving tomorrow morning and back Sunday night, just to get a change of scenery before I have to go back to work next week. And yes, even after buying the gaming setup, I have plenty of "fun money" left in my account to afford my lawyer's retainer and redoing the bedroom as well as my getaway, with plenty left over - here's to frugality when it counts!
Those are the main updates for the moment. I'm doing better than expected, I think, and realizing more day by day that it really wasn't a good marriage, at least not for the last couple years when he started expecting me to do everything around the house, and all the other emotional labor of running our lives outside of work, with no help and little to no gratitude. Amy sure is going to have her hands full.
**EDIT:** Once again, I cannot thank everyone here enough! I need to get ready for my spa weekend away :) so apologies if advance if I have not responded to your comment or DM, but I am really grateful for all the support and encouragement. Hopefully there won't be any more notable updates for a while - I really just want a smooth and easy divorce and to get on with my life - so please keep your fingers crossed for me!
***Relevant Comments:***
*The incoming child:*
"Also, he was hard-core childfree before (I didn't want kids either, but he was especially militant about it). I mean, maybe he changed his mind, but it doesn't seem like this was exactly a planned pregnancy. Plus, he can't even be bothered to put his own laundry in the hamper or put a dish in the dishwasher - how is he going to deal with an infant?
Anyway, not really my problem and I guess he'll figure it out (or not)."
*Is he her superior at work?*
"My understanding is that that they are peers (he isn't her boss) - I don't think it is against the rules for coworkers of the same level to date. At least not as some of our (well, his, really) friends met at work there and it wasn't an issue. So for that reason I think I'll stay out of it, especially as I do want him to stay gainfully employed until the divorce is completely final.
Still, I agree it's awfully foolish to have an affair at work that results in a pregnancy while one of the people is still married. I mean, you can't hide that messiness, it's going to be physically obvious."
*Further info on that:*
"Right, it's probably going to cause some drama at the office but isn't fireable unless they do something even more foolish like getting caught in the act at work. (As far as I know nothing like that happened, when he was disclosing the affair the other day he said that he often went to her place after work when he was supposedly working late, and sometimes on Saturdays instead of playing golf.)"
*How is a 24 year old making the same amount of money as your ex?*
"They are both in an executive training program for fairly recent MBA graduates. Amy is apparently some sort of prodigy who got hers at 21. My STBX started out in supply chain management, then the company paid for his MBA which he finished a couple years ago, and after that he moved to the finance side and was accepted into the training program earlier this year."
"She's 24, apparently graduated from college at 18 and got her MBA at 21. And he just got his MBA a couple years ago, was on a different business operations track before switching to finance."
**\*\*\*\*\*Latest** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15u68ur/latest_update_was_accused_of_financial/)**: August 17, 2023\*\*\*\*\* (About 1 month from last post)**
Not sure if folks remember, but I had a series of posts earlier in the summer (actual links in my profile) - first, about whether I was the AH for buying an expensive gaming PC, desk and chair with my own allocation of "fun money," leading to an accusation of "financial infidelity" from my husband. Later he told me the actual issue was that he was disappointed by my job (senior software dev, but not on the executive management track), relatively casual appearance (not dressing up in dresses, makeup and heels for dinners at home) and my failure to cook extremely elaborate multi-course meals on a nightly basis. After a simple experiment showed that changing these things (the cooking and appearance, anyway) would not actually make him happy, he accused me of being "low value" because I wasn't a virgin when we met (in college, 12 years go, something he had never stated was an issue before) and then admitted he was cheating with a coworker. Who is now pregnant. Last I updated, he had moved in with Amy (his coworker) and we were starting the divorce process.
I'm updating again here because a lot of kind people have been checking in with well-wishes and to see how I'm holding up. Sorry for not updating sooner, but as soon as I got back from the spa weekend I mentioned in my last update, I dove into working with my attorney on the divorce settlement, and didn't think it wise to put my business on the Internet, however anonymously, with the legal issues up in the air.
The good news is that we were able to come to an agreement pretty quickly and everything is now executed (just waiting for the court date which could take another couple months, but my lawyer says the agreement is airtight). It wasn't quite as favorable as most of you all lovely folks probably would have wanted for me, but I was highly motivated to get it done fast. I did get everything that really mattered to me: first, the house I inherited from my grandmother is 100% mine, along with all the furnishings and other effects in the house. My own retirement accounts and my "fun money" account are all mine as well. Otherwise, I did have to give him 75% of the other cash assets. Although he wasn't on the title for the house, he did contribute substantially to the large renovation we did, as well as to upkeep since then, and the house appreciated very substantially in the years since we moved in. It's fine as I still have plenty of money, especially as I'm quite frugal most of the time and can rebuild cash savings quickly. Our agreement also states that neither of us has a claim on each other's past, present or future earnings. So in case something happens and he loses his job before the court date, I won't be liable for any alimony. This is actually overall a very good deal for me and gives me a lot of security.
(In case anyone is wondering how we got this done so quickly: our state allows divorce on "mutual consent" grounds, which basically allows for a quick divorce without a legal separation period if the parties come to an agreement about all the finances/assets. Given that Amy is pregnant, my soon-to-be-ex (let's call him "Joe" - yes, like the psychopath in the show You) was also very motivated to not drag this out.)
Now for the real dirt of this update: last weekend, shortly after all our papers were signed, Amy reached out to me. She asked if we could meet and talk. Perhaps I should have declined, but I will admit I was curious about the "24-year-old prodigy and until recently a virgin" person who was Joe's affair partner, so I agreed to meet her for lunch.
So, the first thing is, Amy is \*very\* pregnant, like third trimester. She confirmed she is due in mid-October, which means the affair has been going on a whole lot longer than Joe let on. Whatever, it's water under the bridge as the divorce is almost final. However, after some polite but chilly pleasantries, she asked me, when am I going to be moving out of the house? Because surely Joe has been patient enough with giving me time to get my life together? And her apartment is small and they are needing space for the baby.
Uhhhh...what? I told her she must be mistaken as the house is mine, inherited from my grandmother, but asked her...what else has Joe told her about me, and our marriage? And...lie after lie (Joe's lies, that is) tumbled out of her mouth, along with crumbs of the real story. These gems include:
* Well, it was true that she and Joe met at work. But it was about a year ago, when they were both interviewing for the executive training program they are now in. Amy said, though, that they first became friends before getting together romantically. Apparently, Joe told her that he was legally married but that we had been "separated in spirit and living separate lives" since 2020. But that he didn't want to kick me out and make me homeless during the pandemic because I didn't make much money and we live in a HCOL.
* Joe told Amy that we met in our early 20s when he was mentoring me in a GED prep program - that I was a high school dropout who was struggling with addiction, and essentially, that he "rescued" me. Helped me get clean, tutored me for my GED, and had been supporting me since through gradually working on college classes. He told Amy I was working on prepping for an IT career and was currently making $45K as a help desk technician and that he wanted to make sure I could at least afford a studio apartment. He also told Amy that we had "separated" because I had relapsed and he couldn't have a meaningful relationship with a drug addict. (Uhhh...all this is lies. My entire history of drug use is occasionally sharing a joint in college, maybe 4-5 times total, never anything harder.)
* It is true that Amy was a 24-year-old virgin prodigy. She seemed dismayed that Joe had told me that, though (at least the virgin part). Said it wasn't a moral issue, she really was just focused on school and work and didn't make time to date. And that generally guys her age seemed mostly interested in casual hookups, especially the younger finance bro types, and she wasn't interested in that, but that Joe took the time to get to know her and was actually interested in a meaningful relationship.
* I asked her if the pregnancy was...planned? She said no, of course not, but it was a miracle because Joe had a vasectomy, so they took that as a sign that they should keep the baby. (Uhhh...no, Joe did NOT have a vasectomy. As we were planning to be a child-free couple I suggested it a couple times over the years, he firmly stated he didn't want to alter his body like that, so he left birth control as my responsibility.)
So...it really does seem that Amy is pretty blameless here. I mean, those of us who have been around the block would likely know not to believe a guy who claims to be "separated" but is still legally married and living with his wife, but...without her having any dating/relationship experience I can see where she would have taken him at his word, about everything. After all, I didn't know anything was amiss with Joe until a couple months ago - and I was married to him.
Of course Amy didn't want to believe me, and I don't blame her for that either...after all, she's been in a relationship with Joe for close to a year and is 7+ months pregnant with his baby, who is coming soon, ready or not. I couldn't immediately refute everything she said, but showed her a couple things - first, a picture of me in my late teens with my grandmother in front of my house, and also, my Linkedin profile which shows my current job and education. Told her to do what she wanted with the info and to please stay safe and take care of herself, and then said my goodbyes. Yes, it was all very odd and unexpected and surreal.
Sorry this is so long but figured those following my tale would be interested in this turn. I am not sure if I will update again...maybe in a year or so when I have truly processed everything with lots of therapy and am hopefully on to living my best life. As for Joe and Amy, it's up to them to find whatever their path is. I do hope she wises up and leaves him but am sadly not confident about that. I'm sure he will be able to spin all this in his favor because that's what he does. But I also can't make it my problem anymore.
***Relevant Comments:***
"I think I've determined that because Amy's pregnancy was progressing he was starting to get nervous about how he would juggle everything and decided to preemptively blow up the marriage in order to get the upper hand. So none of those things were genuine critiques, they were just designed to throw me off-balance."
*I hope Amy kicks him to the curb:*
"I hope so, for her sake. He's obviously not husband and father material. But I have to detach from caring about the outcome, even if I do feel bad for her falling victim to his charms in such a disastrous way."
*How did she take it when you said you owned the house?*
"She didn't really believe me about the house and said she was going to have to talk to Joe about it. She said she hoped I would think about it and not be so stubborn and that the offer remained open to take the money she offered to move out by the end of September."
*Moving forward:*
"After Joe I think I am going to take a long hiatus from men and dating. And I think anyone I date any more than extremely casually will be subject to an extensive background check!"
*Maybe the reason he didn't have more fun money was that he was spending it on her:*
"Oh yes, definitely! A lot of the "golf days" were actually spent with her (not golfing) and he only played golf once or twice a month, not weekly as he represented to me."
"Apparently he convinced her that the reason he could never spend the night with her (during most of the past year, before he moved in with her) was that I tended to get high in the evenings and he was always worried I would OD if he wasn't there to keep an eye on me."
*Did you tell her he didn't really have a vasectomy?*
"I did tell her, but her answer to that was to insist that he did have one, he just didn't want to tell me. Because he had only gotten one because although he did want kids, he didn't want to bring them into the world with a drug addict spouse."
*He smeared your character, make sure to let your lawyer know:*
"I will definitely ask my attorney about it, to see if he will need to put out some kind of statement correcting the record or can at least be prohibited from telling more of these lies. You're right that I don't want any of this getting back to my own family, friends and colleagues.
Although, I think it does work in my favor that he told SO many lies, for example, that I was a high school dropout and that we met while he was tutoring me for my GED, which is easily disprovable. So if he'd lie about that - why would people believe anything else he says about me?" | 13,147 | 2023-08-24T04:28:55 | New Update: Husband accused me of "financial infidelity" (and he's still a turd) | NEW UPDATE | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15zre48/new_update_husband_accused_me_of_financial/ | false | false | [
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160911o | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/RamuneLive **in** r/pokemongo
trigger warnings: >!Jealous/controlling behaviour, Destruction of digital property!<
mood spoilers: >!Frustrating, disturbing!<
​
**Post 1**
[**How to Win a Ban Appeal?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/pokemongo/comments/15ryc46/how_to_win_a_ban_appeal/) \- 15 August 2023
Hello all!
First time posting here and in need of dire help. I made my account in 2016 as most of you all did, and only recently got back into playing during Axew Community Day. I've been going hard since then, racking up over 9 million experience since then, I went from level 27 to 37.
I woke up this morning, caught an Illumise, and did some of my morning routine. I come back and see my account is banned permanently and violated their ToS.
I've sent in an appeal already but how would I go about winning this appeal? I have never spoofed, I have never used third party accessories like Gotcha, I've only used Pokemon Go Plus (which I haven't even used since Axew day on this account), my name is appropriate, RamuneLive. So what gives?
​
**Post 2**
[**I think my \[27F\] partner \[28M\] deleted my Pokemon Go account out of spite.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/pokemongo/comments/15t3pmy/i_think_my_27f_partner_28m_deleted_my_pokemon_go/) \- 16 August 2023
Hello again everyone.
I reached out to this sub yesterday as I thought I received a ban on Pokemon Go. A few hours after submitting a post here, I received an e-mail with a confirmation of my account deletion. I immediately responsed, trying to cancel this request but Niantic has yet to respond to me. I'll provide a bit clearer of the story of events that transpired the day before yesterday, and today as well.
I started seeing a guy about a month ago as we both played Pokemon Go and he was seemingly playing as much as me, so we both thought it would be a good match! The day before yesterday, he was fairly upset at me over pursuing a romance in Baldur's Gate 3 and mentioning it to him. I personally thought it was silly and I wasn't really ok continuing to be with someone who will get upset over CPU romances, seeing as I play games like Stardew Valley and Harvest Moon as well, where these are also present. He had asked me to come over, and I said fine.
At his house, he apologized to me for acting that way, and also explained he doesn't want to argue about these things. I thanked him for the apology, we did some trades before bed as we typically get lucky trades often, and went to sleep.
I woke up around 7 am and he was already up and about. I had heard him get out of bed earlier, and he mentioned he woke up at 6, so it must have been around this time. We are talking a bit and he shows me that an Illumise spawned, so I hop on myself and catch the Illumise. I then put the phone away to spend some time with him as he is heading out of town until Thursday, just a few days.
Around an hour later, at 8:30, I check Pokemon Go again before I intended on leaving his place. I received a ban notification on my screen saying I've been banned permanently. Now, to me this is weird. I never used any third party apps, programs, or accessories. I don't spoof either. I used an official Pokemon Go Plus (old one) that was previously linked to a different account, but that couldn't be it either. I kind of brushed it off thinking it was a mistake, I said oh well, I'll submit a ban appeal and they'll see I've done nothing wrong. My partner though, he was pretty upset about it. I had never seen him cry previous to this as we have only been together a month, but he burst into tears and explained I'm the only partner who has played PoGo with him. I consoled him, told him it would be ok, its just a ban and I can appeal it, and we both went on our way. Him to work, and myself to my place.
I was looking up any possible way that I could've been banned, as Niantic is finicky with bans as I'm finding out. I was researching all day to see if I might've done something weird or anything, as I've always played cleanly with no assistance, with the exception of that one time pokemon go plus official accessory.
Now here is where it gets odd to me.... at 8 pm, I receive an e-mail confirmation on my account deletion, and that it will be processed. That's incredibly strange as I never submitted anything... I read the full conversation and see there was an account deletion submission at 6:30 am this morning. But I was asleep... I dug a bit deeper and found that the deletion code is generic (at least it was the same yesterday for my friend attempting to submit an account deletion request). So the code you need to send to Niantic is generic, in order to permanently delete an account. This raised some red flags and I was concerned maybe someone did it out of spite. I looked into this further and checked all my phone activity on all email accounts set up on my phone... And there it was.
At 6:24 am someone had opened my Twitter/X. I had sent a frustration message to one of my best friends explaining that I don't think this relationship can work out if he will act like this. Now, when I woke up, there was no notification they replied to me. My PC was also off, as I know sometimes Twitter will mark messages as read if you have a Twitter tab open. So this led me to believe the following:
* My partner read my Twitter notification DM from my friend
* My partner panicked or got angry.
* He then went thru all my messaging apps to check to see if he could find something? My only guess is that he thought Wyll from Baldurs Gate was a real person, or if I said anything to anyone else. This was done in a matter of a minute per messaging app.
* He opened my Pokemon go at 6:29 am and submitted the deletion request, as it can only be done via the app as far as I understand.
* My gmail was opened at 6:31 am and this is when the deletion request was received (6:30 am). It was replied to at 6:32 am.
* The emails were deleted and removed from the trash so I would not see them
* I only ended up seeing it thanks to Niantic's automated messaging to confirm my account deletion will be processed.
* I messaged Niantic back immediately after receiving the confirmation at 8 pm to cancel this request.
I'm not entirely sure how else any of this could have happened, I have zero history of sleep walking or sleep... using my phone. I need any and all advice possible here, trainers. Is it still possible that the account deletion can be cancelled? I cannot entirely confirm it was him, I've directly asked him and he says he wouldn't do this, I'm his main Pokemon Go partner to play with.
TLDR; I thought I got banned, turns out an account deletion request was submitted thru my phone when I was asleep. Is it reversible?
*Notable comments*
>Run before a deleted account becomes the least of your problems. That’s some tire slashing, nude pic posting, reputation slandering, baby spite kind of behavior.
>
>\--
>
>He cried in the morning over her finding her account deleted. This could mean he feels guilty over his impulsive actions. Which gives me the same vibes as the murderer men who break down when a cop finds them after they hide their wife’s body… just saying…
*OOP responds*
>I'm getting out, I'll keep you all updated 🥹🙏 in addition, I know my account is a secondary concern as of right now, but I edited in a Twitter post. Please consider retweeting and liking it, and even tagging niantic to help!
**Edit 1**
I seriously appreciate everyone's support on this matter. To respond to the relationship side, I'm safe and not dealing with this kind of behaviour. As many have suggested, I'm out!
In regards to my account, as of August 17 at 9.10 am there have been no attempts from Niantic to reach out... If you all could try pinging them on Twitter that would be mighty helpful. [https://twitter.com/RamuneLive/status/1691938234148991141?t=qzhn1lavKOvug\_aSQkLn2A&s=19](https://twitter.com/RamuneLive/status/1691938234148991141?t=qzhn1lavKOvug_aSQkLn2A&s=19)
**Edit 2**
I appreciate all the love and support... Seriously you all are too sweet. I'm posting up some receipts for you all to see. I will update them as I get permissions from necessary third parties.
Link: [https://imgur.com/a/YtdJLRj](https://imgur.com/a/YtdJLRj)
​
*Editor's note: Image shows an email exchange as follows, with local time added by OP (in bold)*
*First email*August 15 **6.30 am local time**
>Player Name: RamuneLive
*Response from Niantic Support*
>This email confirms your request to delete the Pokémon GO account linked to this email address. We ask that you verify the email address and player name associated with this account are correct. The account's player name appears atthe bottom of this email.
>
>If this is not the account you want to delete, please sign in to the app using the email address and login method corresponding to the account you want to delete, then submit a new deletion request. If you don't remember your login credentials, please reach out to our support team using the in-app chat option and report an account issue.
>
>To permanently delete your account, please confirm this request by copying andpasting the following code into your reply within the next 30 days: D31373M3
>
>Important notes:
>
>\~ If you reply with the code above, all data associated with your account wil bepermanently deleted. You will not be able to reuse the player name or email address if you decide to create a new account in the future.
>
>\- After you confirm the account deletion and we process your request, its not possible to undo this action
>
>\~ Ifyou reply to the confirmation email and do not include the correct‘confirmation code listed above, then your account deletion request will NOT beprocessed
>
>\~The opportunity to confirm your account deletion request expires in 30 days. If you reply to this email more than 30 days after receiving it, your account wil notbe deleted
>
>Regards,
>
>Niantic Support
*Second email*August 15 **6.32am local time**
>D31373M3
*Response from Niantic Support*
>Hello,
>
>You are receiving this email because you have submitted a request for your Pokémon GO account to be deleted. We are witing to inform you that your account has been scheduled to be deleted and will start processing shortly.
>
>Regards,
>
>Niantic Support
​
**Edit 3**
The final update. A very unfortunate end to events, I received a bland copy paste message from Yvonne telling me to not submit the code if I haven't already. She evidently didnt seem to care or read my ticket at all, explaining it was accessed and approved without my permission.
Link to response: [https://imgur.com/a/rCntthD](https://imgur.com/a/rCntthD)
*Editor's note: Image shows an email as follows*
>\### Do not reply below this line ###
>
>Yvonne
>
>August 17,2023, 22:42 -0700
>
>Hi Trainer,
>
>Thank you for contacting Pokémon GO support.
>
>If you have replied with the code in the account deletion email and the deletion has been processed, we cannot make any changes from our end. Please try not to reply with the code to any account deletion email, if you haven't already.
>
>If you have any questions, please write to us.
>
>Regards,
​
**Reminder - I am not the original poster. Marking concluded since OOP has said this will be the final edit. RIP her Pokemon GO account** | 3,083 | 2023-08-24T17:51:16 | OOP's Pokemon GO account is deleted by spite | CONCLUDED | ScarletWitch912 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/160911o/oops_pokemon_go_account_is_deleted_by_spite/ | false | false | [
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160am09 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/JJJ2503 **and** u/No_Chef3713 **in** r/relationship_advice
*Thanks to* u/Direct-Caterpillar77 *for suggesting this BORU*
​
trigger warnings: >!murder, death, drugs/alcohol abuse, underage sex, domestic abuse - physical and verbal, PTSD, child abuse, torture, imprisonment and neglect!<
mood spoilers: >!sweet and hopeful!<
[**Memorabilia from my (36F) late boyfriends. Is it disrespectful to my bf(37M) to keep it?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15km6bb/memorabilia_from_my_36f_late_boyfriends_is_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **- 7th August 2023**
Sorry if something is confusing, english is not my first language.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 12. Young, I know, but that's besides the point. We grew up together as he lived next door to my grandparents where I spent almost every weekend and holidays as a child. We were best friends and eventually puberty hit and we just clicked. He was amazing, loving and treated me well. We had been together for about 18 months when we got ourselves into a situation that cost him his life. He was murdered right in front of me. We were 13. My mother didn't allow me to attend his funeral because she said I was too young to understand funerals and death. A few weeks before he died he gifted me a beautiful silver necklace with an open heart shaped pendant. I have always loved necklaces and this necklace became extra special to me.
My second boyfriend came in to the picture when I was 15. We met through mutual friends. I had a hard time letting someone new take the role as my boyfriend, but he knew about my late boyfriend and was very respectful and never pressured me into anything. We dated for 6 or 7 months before we labelled us boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I had lucked out as he also was amazing, loving and treated me well. He knew the story behind my silver necklace that I wore all the time and said it was beautiful. He never said anything bad about me carrying the memory with me. For my 16th birthday he gave me a silver open heart shaped pendant for my necklace. It was not identical, but sort of matched the pendant on my necklace without one taking anything away from the other. They looked beautiful side by side on the chain. He told me he knew how much I love necklaces and wanted to give me one, but he never wanted to erase the happy memories that my necklace represented, so he didn't want to give me a necklace to replace my old one, so he opted for this pendant instead. It was so thoughtful and beautiful of him and I felt so loved. Three months after my birthday we got into a car accident that cost him his life. It was the day before his 18th birthday. Because of my own injuries I was in a coma for 19 days and therefore missed his funeral.
My mother didn't want me to visit my grandparents after my first bfs death because in her mind I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I didn't go to therapy. My father was not an active part in my life and my mother wasn't there at all emotionally. So after the car accident my life sort of spiraled. I had a few abusive relationships and there was a lot of drugs and alcohol involved.
At 28 I was in an abusive relationship. Both emotional and physical abuse. I never told him about my late boyfriends or the meaning behind my necklace that I still carried around my neck. One day we had a few friends over. I don't remember why it came up, but I talked to the gf of one of his friends about my necklace and my late boyfriends while he was in the room. He interrupted the conversation and wanted me to explain the whole thing again so he could hear the whole story, so I did. He lost it!
He called me every word in the book and said I was stupid for thinking that a necklace would bring them back and it was disrespectful of me to bring my past relationships into our relationship. He then ripped the necklace of my neck and broke both hearts and threw it all in the trash. I was crushed! He broke something of mine that all the money in the world could never replace. I went into the bedroom and stayed there for the rest of the night.
When the last guests had left he went to bed. I pretended to be asleep. When I was sure he was sleeping I quietly got up and took my shoe box of memorabilia and left the room. I went into the kitchen and dug through the trash looking for my necklace. Luckily I found every broken piece. I left what had been my home for over two years with only a box of memorabilia, my broken necklace and the clothes I was wearing.
I had nowhere to go since it was in the middle of the night. The next morning I took the bus to my grandmothers house (my grandfather died when I was 19 so it was just my grandmother at this point). She had a lot of health issues and was in no way capable to take care of me, a grown woman struggling with substance abuse. I felt worthless and unlovable. But when I entered her house she welcomed me with open arms and went straight to the kitchen to make me pancakes - just like she used to when I was little.
Fast forward until now. I'm now 36 and have been going to therapy for 8 years. I have found myself again, I have overcome my substance abuse, I finished school and have a great job. I bought a house and I am my grandmothers caregiver.
And I finally found true love again.
We met at work two years ago. He is amazing, loving and kind and I can see a great future with him. He is very understanding of my struggles caused by my past, but he never lets me doubt about his feelings towards me no matter how hard I am on myself. I always feel safe when i'm with him. A few weeks ago we decided to move in together.
A few days ago I was going through some of my stuff and asked if he could help me carry a couple of boxes upstairs. He took the first box and while he was upstairs I opened another box and there it was. My memorabilia box with my broken silver necklace in it. I hadn't opened the box since I put my necklace in it the day I left and went to my grandmothers house. I broke down in tears. He came back and found me crying sitting on the floor holding my necklace and old pictures from my childhood and teen years in the open box in front of me. He didn't say anything. He just sat down next to me and hugged me while I cried.
After a little while I got it together, picked the box up off the floor and put it on the table next to the sofa and we carried the last two boxes upstairs. We sat down on the sofa, and he asked me if I wanted to talk, but I was so emotionally tired so I said no. He let me know that he was there anytime if I changed my mind - but no pressure. This is one of the things I love about this man. The box was open and he asked if he could look or if it was private. He knows about my late boyfriends but has never seen pictures of them. He's a smart guy though, so i'm sure he has put two and two together.
I have not once seen him angry or even irritated with me and I trust that he would never lay his hands on me. But I was still nervous about saying yes because there are pictures in the box of me and my late boyfriends kissing each other, pecks on the cheek, holding hands etc. Cutesy stuff, you know. I still told him he could look, so he did. He didn't say anything or ask questions, but he smiled in a sweet way while looking at the pictures. He put everything neatly back in the box and told me I was a cute baby and I haven't changed much since I was in my teens. He then hugged me and we cuddled while watching a show before we went to bed. I'm not feeling as anxious now about the box as he has not reacted in a negative way whatsoever.
Now to the point of this post. What do I do with this box? Is it wrong that I want to keep the pictures even though they are sort of crossing the line when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend? I love my boyfriend with a passion like no other. But that doesn't mean I didn't love my late boyfriends as well. Is it wrong of me wanting to keep the part of my heart filled with love for them sacred? I don't think it takes anything away from the love I have for my boyfriend, but I could be wrong. I love him so so so much and I want to spend my life with him. But in a weird and of course healthy way I still want to stay connected to my past through my necklace and pictures and the memories I have with them.
TLDR - I lost two boyfriends when I was a teenager. One was murdered and one died in a car accident. I have a necklace and a good number of pictures in relations to them that mean a lot to me. But is it disrespectful to my boyfriend to keep it?
**Comments**
*It’s not disrespectful at all! These men(boys really, im so sorry you lost two great people at such a young age) were a part of your life and your story! It’s not like they dumped you and you’re holding onto the necklace and pictures, im hopes that you will get with them some day. These are people you love and lost, and they were lost due to tragedy. The right partner will accept how much these relationships and deaths impacted you , and will honor those men with you <3*
**OOP Replies**
>Thank you. This is also what i'm thinking. If the situation was that they hurt me in some way, it would be different but that is not the situation at all.
**OOP Comments**
*He's not possessive at all and neither am i. There's no feeling of ownership at all in our relationship. There is however such a strong feeling of love and respect and i'm taking it all in. It's not really something I have had in any of my adult relationships before. It's honestly so refreshing.*
*I have had some bad relationships in my adult life, but if it wasn't for these two, I wouldn't know what kind of feeling I was looking for when I met my bf... maybe I would have been thrown off or seen him as intimidating because of the way he shows me he loves me. I was scared shitless in the beginning, not gonna lie. But as I calmed down I realized I knew the good feeling I had about him and what it meant.*
**Post did not gain much attention - 9 upvotes and 12 comments, but her BF actually found it.**
​
[**I \[37M\] found my gfs \[36F\] redditpost and I am heartbroken... and angry...**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15km6bb/memorabilia_from_my_36f_late_boyfriends_is_it/) **- 8th August 2023**
Some things in life I will never be able to understand
Sorry for the lengthy post, I just need to vent a little
I met my gf at work a couple of years ago. It was her first day at her new job after finishing school. We work in the building industry. She is 5'3, has long dark hair, intense green eyes, a beautiful face and an amazing strong body. She's gorgeous is what i'm trying to say! I was instantly smitten as were multiple of my coworkers. She gets hit on a lot at work by guys that don't know her/us, and I walk around with a smirk on my face when I observe this, because sorry guys, I have no idea what i've done to deserve her, but she loves me. Fortunately she is easygoing and doesn't have a hard time brushing it off
Anyways, we started talking about life and I found out she owns a house and she is a 4th degree black belt in taekwondo. Dang this girl is a badass! The only family she has left is her 81 year old grandmother who lives with her. This spoke volumes to me. She is not only strong and responsible, she is also caring, loving and an amazing person. We had so much fun together while getting to know each other. I still remember how nervous I was about asking her out and how I was jumping from joy inside when she said yes
We took our time getting to know each other, but I started realizing that not everything was as perfect as it seemed in the beginning. She slowly started opening up about her past, how neglected she was as a child. Her father never wanted her and her mother and stepfather hated her. They beat her on a daily basis and tortured her regularly. She has several scars and burnmarks on her body to this day. She was repeatedly locked in her bedroom for days, a few times for up to a week without food, water or access to a bathroom. She ran away from home many times even at a young age and got into trouble in so many ways. She started taking the bus on her own when she was 5 to her grandparents house. It's a five hour drive! One time when she was 6 a busdriver wouldn't let her on the bus without her parents consent, so she just wandered the streets until she fell asleep in a park.
They never reported her missing and no one intervened. She has always done relatively well in school - this is just because she's smart as hell - and therefore the school never worried enough about her to intervene. She lost her virginity when she was 12. He was the same age and was also a troubled kid. They grew up together and from my understanding they offered great support to each other. I don't blame them for going at it at this young age. Puberty is hard enough as it is, imagine going through it with no support and guidance at all from the adults around you.
I haven't gotten the whole story, but she was eventually forced to watch while a man shot him in the head. He died instantly. She was in a car accident a few years later that killed her second boyfriend and almost killed her. She had a lengthy recovery at a rehabilitation centre out of town. Her mother didn't even visit her at the hospital or at the rehabilitation centre. Because she was only 16 her grandfather had to take her back to her mother after. She wanted to stay with her grandparents, but her mother didn't allow it. I don't understand why
About two months ago I moved in to her house. I was at her house 95% of the time anyways and it just felt right, so we went with it. Last week we were doing stuff around the house, settling in, but out of nowhere I came in to the livingroom and found her sitting on the floor crying and I immediately saw the emotional pain she was in. I don't know how else to explain it. I had no idea what was going on or what to do so I just let her cry it out while I held her. Eventually I looked around and there was a small open box with a lot of pictures in it. It looked old, so I realized she was crying about old trauma. I later, with her consent ofc, looked through the stack of pictures and for the first time I saw pictures of her at a young age. Adorable baby and childhood pictures of her and her friend who was killed. Puppylove pictures from her preteen and teen years. She was just as beautiful back then as she is now. How could anyone hurt this tiny adorable baby and child? I don't get it! There is also a necklace in a ziplock bag in the box. I saw it was broken but I really didn't pay it much more attention than that... until I saw her post on reddit today
I was scrolling on reddit after work and somehow stumbled upon her post. She has a really hard time talking about her past, but her post definetly included some therapy writing. As this rant is for me too. She explained the story behind the broken necklace and asked in the relationship advice subreddit if it is disrespectful to me if she keeps the pictures and the necklace. In between the lines I can sense some hesitation because of an asshole, an ex that I didn't know about, who berated her for keeping the necklace and broke it many years ago. I am going to look into having it fixed tomorrow, but I don't know how realistic this is as it is broken pretty badly
I am heartbroken after reading her story
I am so angry. I am so frustrated. Why did no one help her out of her misery? How do people find it in themselves to hurt a child? Why do people feel threatened by dead people who when alive showed nothing but love? Why didn't I meet her many years ago so she wouldn't have to struggle as much for all these years? She was a baby! She was a child! Why? Just why?...
Shit, I need therapy!
I know what individual therapy is like. But i'm wondering if couples therapy would be a good option for us. I really really love this girl and I want to be the most supportive bf, and hopefully someday husband, to her. But I have no idea what i'm doing and how to navigate moving forward without letting my anger and frustration be somewhat in control of my thought process. Can someone explain to me how couples therapy works?
If you've read this far, thank you. She is not home yet, but will be within a couple of hours. I have no idea what i'm going to say to her. But I know if I don't start crying again when she gives me her hello kiss like she always does, she will see that I have been crying like a baby for over an hour and either way I will have to explain myself... wish me luck...
TLDR. I have the most amazing gf in the whole world, but because of her troubled past she is questioning herself. I found her redditpost earlier today and i'm angry at the situation. Need advice
**Comments**
*Oh man.. if all of that really happened to her I am so very sorry but I'm old and cynical and have been taken advantage of and witnessed others being taken advantage of by people with tragic tales that turned out to be 100% made up. The person that took advantage of me is in prison now but I fell for it and so did my sincerity and some of my bank account. Please consider that she might have wanted you to see the reddit post and the pictures and that this could just be a part of the plot. You are shocked she is dating you? You might just be the type she is looking to take advantage of. A woman's good looks can be very blinding to most men. Again, don't hate my skepticism just take it as a warning from a neutral party.*
>Wow, that sounds like an awful experience, i'm sorry.
>
>I totally get it, this is alot, but I have seen so much evidence along the way. I remember the murder from the news back then, that there was a young boy and a young girl involved and the boy was killed. I just didn't know who this girl was until two years ago. Other people mentioned to me that she was the girl involved and I was the one who brought it up to her and she confirmed. Her grandmother has also talked to me about her daughter (my gfs mother) and how she wishes her daughter would have let my gf come stay with her and her husband because she saw the struggle. I also saw a picture from the hospital after the car accident. I wish I could unsee that though. My gf knows she's attractive but she is in no way vain or attention seeking. If anything I think she plays herself down a notch and focuses more on being kind and loving to others. Which is what I love most about her
>
>Again, i'm sorry about what happened to you. I can see how that could shake the whole concept of trust to you. Noone deserves that. Happy this person got what they deserved. Thank you for your consern
​
*As someone whose Queen had a hard early life and horrible dating history, I would suggest loving her as she deserves and don’t let anyone hurt her without proper consequences from you. See my history for some of the details mine has been through. Above all else treat her like the queen she is and never let her forget how truly special and loved she truly is.*
>Yes! Fortunately she also mentioned in her post that I never let her have doubts about my feelings about her. Otherwise i'm afraid I would have panicked when I read it. I'm such an advocate of reminding our loved ones that we love them all the time, because it's amazing how forgetful us humans are when it comes to that
​
*Damn. OP you sound like an amazing guy and I’m so glad you found each other. Sending you a hug, one for your gf, and a big group hug. ETA: just found her post. OP I wanna give you even bigger hug. Honestly, tell her how you feel. You’re heartbroken because you saw her post. Reassure her. Ask her if she wants to share more about the items and photos. Talk about the happy memories and the sad. Whatever she wants to share. But the biggest thing is reassure her like you’re already doing. ETA x2: I am team therapy because it really does wonders and couple’s therapy is a great way to build on your foundation and improve communication.*
>Thanks. Knowing what I know now will make reassuring her alot easier I think. She has a hard time talking about this, but we'll se what happens. Individual therapy is definetly on the table for me for obvoius reasons. She already has a therapist, but I will talk to her about also doing couples
​
*Another recommendation - so when I struggle communicating something that was important, my therapist encourages having my husband join a session. It adds this sense of security knowing my therapist could help guide the convo when I can’t and help us figuring out how to move forward and what to do.*
>Exactly. This is what I was thinking when I thought of couples therapy, but i'm also pretty sure couples therapy is way more than this. I just don't know what that would be. But joining each others sessions is definetly a great option when needed. I will keep this in mind
​
*Couple’s therapy is definitely different since you are working together with the therapist kinda like 2 singers collaborating on a song together from the start vs joining the other’s therapy session which is kinda like an artist being featured on a song… the featured artist jumps in to work with the other artist on a specific part of a song. you get 🏆 for being a great partner and person.*
>That makes sense actually. Thank you for the love and support. She just parked her car, so here we go...
​
[**Update! I \[37M\] found my gfs \[36F\] redditpost and I am heartbroken... and angry...**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15mxua2/update_i_37m_found_my_gfs_36f_redditpost_and_i_am/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **- 10th August 2023**
Hi guys. Thank you for all your love and support on my last post. Many are requesting an update, so here goes. I have calmed down and learned a lot these last 48 hours, both good and bad. A lot has happened though. After writing this update and realizing how long it is (oops...) I decided to type everything out because I know many are using these text readers for the longer posts. Genius option by the way. TLDR is at the bottom of this post
So my girlfriend came home and immediately sensed something was off. I told her the truth, how I was scrolling on reddit and saw her post by coincidence and I honestly didn't think about refraining from reading it until after I read the whole post, but now I felt bad about it. She felt really bad about leaving this information out in the open for me to find like this. She didn't think I was on this subreddit and she was only looking for advice because she didn't want to overstep my boundaries and honestly didn't know what to do. We both apologized and there are no hard feelings there
I told her about my feelings after reading her post. How angry I was, how sad I was and how I was struggling with the situation. I made sure to tell her not to blame herself because none of this is her fault. I don't know how many times I repeated this because I know she tends to do that
I asked her if she was ok with me seeking help to become a better partner to her because i'm feeling kind of lost in this part of our relationship. She gets that I don't stand a chance at understanding everything, so she thought this was a good idea. She's all for therapy in general so I shouldn't be so surprised but she was the one who asked about couples therapy in addition to individual therapy. We agreed to message her therapist and yesterday morning we got a same day appointment, thankfully
We decided to take yesterday off work because this was a lot
Her therapist is great, he knows his shit and we had a good session. We talked about our life in general, where we're at as a couple, plans, each others strengths and weaknesses and our future together. At one point she asked me what my biggest fear is in regards to our relationship. I told her if she ever tells me she doesn't love me anymore. The therapist asked how often I think about this. The thought had only crossed my mind not even a handful of times during our whole relationship. I asked her what her biggest fear is. She answered "losing you", and I was like "hun, I love you so much the thought of leaving you never entered my mind, ever." She said, and this really broke my heart, "but what if it's not by choice?"... I had to take a few seconds to process what she just said. Then I asked "are you afraid i'm going to die?" She nodded and I realized how stupid my question was. Of course the thought entered her mind, just think of her history. I asked how often she thinks about this. "Every day..."
Every day my girl fears i'm going to die. I mean, I get it, it's not that. It's just... here I am, oblivious as can be thinking life is great, i'm so happy in our relationship and in my mind i'll still kiss her good morning and good night every day when we're 100 years old. She has mentioned a few times how she has felt alone most of her life. A crippling feeling that doesn't just go away because some guy tells you he loves you. I thought she still struggled with feeling alone sometimes and I have been fighting that feeling off her, but today she had to tell me she doesn't feel alone anymore for me to realize the feeling I have been sensing is not loneliness, it's a fear of losing me. Every day...
We talked about what she could do with her box of old pictures. I assured her I am more than ok with having the memory of them in our home and explained to her that I am really glad they made her happy and feel loved and I have nothing but respect for these men/boys. They are a part of her as a person, and I love her. All of her. As long as she doesn't want their portraits in our bedroom so I would feel like they were watching us have sex, that would be weird, i'm ok with anything. And it's not that I mind the box, and I didn't know if the box itself has sentimental value, but I wouldn't mind bringing her shopping for a couple of photo albums for the pictures. We did that after our therapy session and while she took her time browsing in the store, looking comfortable, relaxed and safe, I caught myself getting a little teary-eyed while watching her
During our session we talked about the necklace and she told me she took it to a jeweler the same day her ex broke it. She was told it was broken beyond repair, so she didn't think it was possible to get it fixed. I asked if she would be ok with trying again or asking somewhere else. Maybe the tools are better nowadays or something, I don't know. She agreed to this. We went to the jeweler after shopping for photo albums, but when we got there it became too much for her. She couldn't handle another no and asked if I could go in while she waited in the car. Good call, because I got the same answer as she did. The lady was really nice about it and I asked if she knew about anywhere on earth I could take this necklace and have a small chance. She recommended a place about 40 minutes away that might have some connections. It was 30 minutes before closing time, so I didn't make it yesterday
I asked my girlfriend out to dinner spontaneously, and while we were looking at the menu I had a great idea, if I say so myself. We ordered dinner and I told the waitress no desserts. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and went outside, called her grandmother and told her her granddaughter had a rough day and asked if she could help me comfort her a little by making her favorite pancakes. My girlfriends grandparents' pancakes are very sentimental to her. Her grandmother jumped on the bandwagon and I told her when we would be home. When we drove home my girlfriend asked if I wanted ice cream. Girl, i'm trying to surprise you! I told her no, my stomach felt a little off. When we got home even the front yard smelled like pancakes and she sent me a deadly look. "You don't feel off!" I had to admit I didn't and we both laughed. She had a genuine smile on her face for the rest of the night. Before her grandmother went to bed, she laid her hand on my shoulder and whispered "thank you." I put my hand on her hand and whispered back "thank you!" I don't know how to explain it, but it felt powerful, like in a movie. Like we accomplished something beautiful together for my girlfriend. I really appreciate this old gal. She has been nothing but nice and loving to me since day one
This morning before work we went to this jeweler 40 minutes away. I went in first for the same reason as yesterday. They called this guy on video and I explained the situation and sent him pictures of the broken necklace and a picture I took of one of her old pictures where you can see the necklace clearly so he knows what it's supposed to look like. He was optimistic about the possibility but told me it will likely take a few hours of work, hinting that it will be a bit pricey. I really don't care about that and asked him not to mention anything about money to my girlfriend. I'll take care of that part. I asked my girlfriend to come in and these people were really sweet and explained the process again to her. She was a little overwhelmed, so I thanked them and told them I would call them when she had decided what she wanted. We went to work and during lunch she came over and told me she wants to do it, so I called them. We'll hear back from them within 2 to 3 weeks. I'm really looking forward to it and I hope she will be comfortable enough to wear the necklace whenever and as much as she wants
This has been an intense emotional roller coaster and we're not even done yet. Everything is not perfect, but we're working on it. I have an individual therapy appointment on friday, so i'm looking forward to that, and i'm feeling a little more chill now and I know things will get better. I hope i'm not forgetting anything. If so, let me know. Again, thank you for all your support, help and well wishes, I really appreciate it :)
ETA. Forgot to add TLDR. Girlfriend came home, we talked about her post and my reaction. Everything is ok. We agreed to individual therapy for me and couples therapy. Got an appointment the next day. She fears every day that i'm going to die too. We went shopping for photo albums for her old pictures and we eventually found a jeweler who is willing to try to fix the necklace. Aaand grandma made pancakes, yum :)
**Top Comment**
*Thank you for sharing this update. It's clear that you've been through quite a journey these past few days. It takes strength and understanding to navigate such emotional situations, and I admire your approach to it all.*
*It's really heartening to hear that you and your girlfriend were able to have an open and honest conversation about what you discovered. The fact that you both communicated your feelings and were able to apologize and empathize shows a lot about the strength of your bond. Remember, relationships are built on trust, and these moments can sometimes bring you even closer.*
*I'm glad to hear that you're taking steps towards seeking therapy individually and as a couple. It's a wise move, and it shows that you're both committed to growing and nurturing your relationship. Remember, therapy is a valuable tool that can provide insights and guidance that might be difficult to see on your own.*
*The way you're approaching the sentimental pieces, like the old photos and the broken necklace, shows a deep understanding of your girlfriend's emotions and a willingness to support her healing journey. These gestures of empathy and thoughtfulness can make a significant difference in rebuilding trust and emotional security.*
*Life's journey is full of ups and downs. It's clear that you're both on a path of healing and growth, and while it might not always be easy, the effort you're putting in is a testament to your commitment to each other. Remember, it's okay for things not to be perfect; what matters is that you're facing these challenges together.*
*Sending you both positive energy as you continue this journey. Keep communicating, keep supporting each other, and keep taking steps towards understanding and healing. You're on the right track!*
**Flairing as ongoing, as they both have work ahead of them.**
**Reminder - I am not the original poster. This is a repost sub, do not harass either OOP.** | 2,612 | 2023-08-24T18:50:26 | OOP wonders if it disrepectful to her current boyfriend to keep memorabilia from her late boyfriends. Current BF responds. | ONGOING | Stephenallen1977 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/160am09/oop_wonders_if_it_disrepectful_to_her_current/ | false | false | [
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160c651 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Money-Juggernaut-662 **in** r/TrueOffMyChest
trigger warnings: >!alleged cheating, verbal abuse, emotional abuse!<
mood spoilers: >!frustrating!<
[**My husband's girl best friend is pregnant and she says it's his.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15s2bir/my_husbands_girl_best_friend_is_pregnant_and_she/) **- 15th August 2023**
So I met my husband (25M) while I was (22F) and we hit it off instantly. He was the man of my dreams he took me on date nights and made sure I was loved and gave me big gifts every so often telling me I was the only one for him, I believed this since we have been together for 4 years now and I've never had any issues until he introduced his best friend who we will call Laura for privacy reasons. I remember we had an argument because he didn't tell me about her for our whole relationship and he had been sneaking to see her and hang out with her at parties when I was sleeping, believing that he was working overtime. I was hurt by this and my first thought immediately went to infidelity but I found all of their texts to be platonic after he willingly told me to look.
I thought she was nice at first since when I first met her she spoke to me politely and said how lucky I was for about a week until there was a get together and my husband invited me along because it was her mother's anniversary and her family loved my husband because they had known eachother since they were kids. I was okay with this and quite excited since I wanted to make more female friends and have girls nights out to relieve my work stress since my job is difficult and I make 6 figures. I should also mention my husband works in an office job that doesn't pay a lot so I handle all of the house bills and chores while he is trying to get another job.
I walked into the house with my husband and she ran to him happy and immediately wrapped her whole body around his arm and dragged him off to the garden, he didn't even come to get me or anything after being dragged away so I went to the kitchen to ask for a drink where I was greeted by laura's mother. She is a lovely person, we generally had a nice talk about our own lives and she made sure I felt welcome.
The whole gathering was mainly nothing special till it got to the dinner. I sat down next to my husband and Laura walked up to me and asked me to move. I asked why since the only other spot available was next to her uncle and mother and since it was about her mother wouldn't she want to sit next to her?
Laura replied to the question with 'Cause I want to sit next to him.' I turned to my husband who just nodded and told me to move aswell saying that I was being childish and making a scene. At this point I generally felt my blood boiling. I stood up and told my husband that I felt uncomfortable and that I need to go to the bathroom and asked where it was. Laura told me and I left the table doing breathing exercises trying to calm down. I ended up messaging my brother from the bathroom and he said I was being jealous and that I was overreacting so I agreed and went back to the table to sit next to laura's mother.
The whole time they were laughing and it seemed that everything he said was funny to her and she kept rubbing his back touching his arms and saying how strong he had gotten and she would look at me smugly. The breaking point to all of this was when I put a bit of meat onto my plate and she said 'Are you really going to eat all of that?' And I froze in embarrassment while my husband and her laughed. Her mother stood up for me saying that was inappropriate and to treat guests with respect but she ignored it. Laura is very pretty and slim and works out so coming from her it hurt a lot.
I stood up from my chair and walked out the front door and called my dad. I told him to pick me up and that I'll explain why in the car. When I got in the car I broke down and told him everything. He said I was most likely overreacting but the situation was very odd and that I'm welcome to stay with him for the time being. I thanked him and went back to our house. While I was getting comfortable my phone flooded up with messages from my husband and Laura. I read the messages and to my horror my husband was saying I ruined the whole dinner and that he was going to stay there for the night. I then read what Laura said, saying I had ruined her night because of my 'pick me' behaviour. After doing research on that word its only filled me up with more anger.
My husband came home around 5pm from Laura's and I immediately said leaving me and staying at another woman's house was disgusting and he started shouting that I'm over reacting again and that I need to go counselling for my jealousy issues.
For about a month everything was going okay again apart from that my husband got more distant and cold and I could feel that our argument wedged a gap in our marriage. **Until I got a message from Laura this morning with a positive pregnancy result and a threat saying we should get divorced cause its my husbands.**
I don't know what to do and I'm just venting cause I feel awful and I feel like I failed as a wife. I don't know if I should confront my husband and I'm thinking about it.
Edit: I'm getting a lot of hate and death threats so I'll clear up some allegations. I'm 26 not 22 I met my husband when I was 22. I've not confronted him cause he's not home yet and I'm contemplating calling and asking there but he's not replied to my goodmorning text since he woke up before me and went to work. My dad owns a company that works with care homes not going to say a lot about it for my safety and that's how I make my money. No I wasn't earning 6 figures at 22 but I am now at 26. No my dad wasn't against me he was just confused because I was crying to him and wasn't making a lot of sense so he thought she was just being a bit touchy. No Laura wasn't at our wedding and I have doubts they are child hood friends. I plan on messaging her mother to ask if they have known eachother for as long as they say and I'll be confronting my husband tomorrow when he gets home.
**Comments**
*From the sounds of it he married your money and the lifestyle you could provide. But that's about it. He's probably been f++++ her the whole time and just made sure to police his messages before handing over his phone.*
>That's what I'm thinking now because I only looked on whatsapp.
​
*Also get an STD test asap. While not the same scenario, I ended up with HPV from being assaulted and my cervix had precancerous lesions by the time I actually got checked out due to shame.*
>Omg, that's generally heartbreaking I wish you the best. ❤ and after I confront him I'll make sure to get checked.
​
*so when did you guys get married? she wasn't there?*
>No I haven't seen her at any big event of mine and his, I don't exactly believe they are childhood friends and I might contact her mother to ask. Not sure I'm just a bit overwhelmed atm.
​
*This relationship is over. Whether you believe it or not. Protect yourself. I hope there was a prenup. Stand up for yourself and show them that you are not a doormat. You are not a side piece. You are the only one who can make your life better. You teach people how they can treat you. If you want things to change then you have to change them. He is not. He has a rich maid for a wife plus a girlfriend who is infatuated with him. Oh, and a baby by another woman on the way.*
*You are under reacting. You’ve barely reacted at all. Start getting angry and put yourself first!*
>There was no prenup because he didn't want one but I'm honestly so tired of everything and comments like yours make me open my eyes and I'm grateful for the support. Sometimes u can't believe people can cheat on you and I was inlove with him so I didn't see not to mention my job is extremely stressful and constantly needs attention. So I'm confronting him tomorrow. I don't exactly know if he is cheating but if what everyone says is true then there's no point defending him 🤦♀️
​
[**My husband's girl best friend is pregnant and says its his** ***UPDATE***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15srdf5/my_husbands_girl_best_friend_is_pregnant_and_says/) **- 16th August 2023**
First of all I want to say how much I am thankful for all the love and support I have received and the advice has helped me so much. It has really made me understand where I stand in my relationship and I finally know what I'm going to do. (Also im 26 not 22). Now for the story:
My husband came home around 6am to where he threw his keys on the side and went upstairs without saying anything to me, I thought this was a little rude and I walked up after him telling him we need to talk but he said he was tired and needed to sleep which just made me angry because I was serious. I told him half way up the stairs that I knew about him and Laura to which he then looked at me confused. I explained my side and the text and what it seemed like and he ended up laughing in my face. This filled me up with so much petty rage because I have had enough of being walked on so I pushed past him into our room and got a suitcase from under the bed and started to pack his stuff for him.
He started shouting at me saying really horrible things but I didn't hear most of it since I was crying uncontrollably and busy ramming every item of clothing he owned. Most of it didn't fit but he could come collect it later. One insult that stood out to me was 'Crazy bitch' and this is where I snapped and said some horrible things too. I know I called him a bad husband but in more of a ruder tone.
He ended up leaving with his suitcase I packed and a plastic bag after I said I would get my dad involved if he didnt leave. After, I took a recommended comment and told my family everything. My brother didn't care but my father was so angry there might have been steam coming from the phone after the call. I haven't heard from my soon to be ex-husband but his response to my question was complete disrespect and I wasn't able to hold it in for much longer. I'm sure what I did was a complete over reaction and was regretting it till I texted Laura's mother since I said I would do that.
She didn't reply till 11am but basically what happened is that she only met my husband 2 years ago which I'm guessing is through the time of constant "overtime" from him he is also staying there currently. This made me so angry that I texted Laura something petty which I dont regret. I hadn't replied to her yet so I told her that she can have him and I can't wait till the same things happen to her and she gets cheated on. She's not replied yet or seen it.
I have screen shotted everything she's said and the picture and will be calling a lawyer later on. Nothing else has really happened, if it does I will give another update. Thanks everyone.
Edit: Sorry for bad grammar I've not slept very well and I'm about to go for a long needed sleep.
**Small update:**
Husband messaged and I ignored it and Laura left me on read. Husband messaged that he is sorry and wants to come home and needs to talk about Laura's message. Not sure what he's going to say about it but I'm going to message him back to meet me somewhere because I don't want him in my house right now. Not sure what he's going to say but I'm ready for the lies and gaslighting. Love you all :).
Edit: I'm really dissapointed in reddit, I thought this could be a post to vent and have men and woman help and give advice and listen to me so I can finally feel like I'm being heard and I'm getting a lot of sexist comments and people spamming me saying I'm scummy for lying and that they will find me. If you are one of these people please leave me alone. Yes I have left out some information and I'm not updating immediately but I've been so tired these past 2 days and I really do not have the ability nor resistance to keep typing up massive updates. I need a rest and when I meet my husband I will give one last update for the people who are supporting me and giving me amazing advice. You guys are so sweet and I appreciate you a lot. ❤
I took some time off of work to figure stuff out but I'm not looking forward to the amount piled up from my missed day's. Love you all and I wish you all the best especially for the people that went through what I am going through now.
**Comments**
*I’m glad you did search it just to be sure it wasn’t a reused photo. Has her mother said anything about the pregnancy after you spoke to/texted her?*
>I haven't messaged her mother about anything other than asking if they knew each other for long as I didn't want to put stress on her mother. Plus I only have her mother's phone number from my ex-husband before going to the anniversary so I felt like it was a bit rude to drop all of the drama on her when she's just finished celebrating
*rude on your part? no sweetie, her daughter is currently fucking your man. you do what you need to do!! find out if it’s true, first of all. and let her know who her daughter is. Is he staying at Laura’s or does Laura live with mommy n daddy? if he is staying with the parents let her get that scumbag out of her house asap.*
>I came off a call with Laura that lasted for ages after she finally decided to acknowledge my text and the shitshow that's about to go down is crazy. I'm not sure if I should make and update since I'm being bombarded with hate.
​
[**My husband's girl best friend is pregnant and she says its his.** ***UPDATE 2***](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15tdspe/my_husbands_girl_best_friend_is_pregnant_and_she/) **- 17th August 2023**
I have no idea how to start this, I'm at a loss for words and I feel generally sick and this is the lowest point I think I've recently hit mental state wise. I'm going to try and be punctual for this but I cannot stop crying and I feel so betrayed. Thank you all for the support and love you have given me and so for this it has motivated me to tell everyone what has happened. Laura called me early in the morning not sure why so late but I wasn't doing much anyway, I was replying to comments and cleaning the kitchen swallowing in self pity, pathetic I know.
She was shouting at me; calling me 'Out' for cheating on my husband first and that my hypocrisy was laughable. I was genuinely mortified since i've never done that and asked her what she meant and apparently my "Husband" the man thats supposed to back me up and love me unconditionally told her a huge sob story lie. Apparently in our argument he told her I hit him out of a jealous rage and that I threw his stuff out the window which is why he left. I told her I was the one to kick him out and he didn't leave on his own accord and definetly never laid hands on him especially since he is 6'1 and I am 5'4.
She didn't believe me and told me the whole reason she had done the behaviour in the first place was to teach me not to 'cheat' and that my husband was a good man and that if I continued, another woman would take him better than me but in the end she decided to end it for him so she sent me the messages. She agreed what she did was childish and also confessed to only liking him platonically and did him a favour because of all the horrible stuff I had done. I believe this was so she would take him in? I have no clue why he would lie about stuff this serious.
After he was there for a while she told her mother the same story he told her and her mother has blocked me currently. I showed her the message my husband sent and after countless back and forth with her, we ended up agreeing to meet and that I should cancel meeting up with my husband.
She's at this point in time conflicted since I told her the lies were fake. She also said that my husband told her that I knew about her after she saw him and me on a Facebook post. I'm guessing she did some snooping and my Husband wasn't very private online. So she asked why I never was mentioned and he said the conversation never came up and that's where the lies begun I'm guessing.
The day where he didn't come home till 5 was because she told him that she was going to send the picture of her friends old pregnancy test to me and pretend it's hers so he could not continue with being treated like that. And he actually went to hers instead of going home to be confronted and hoped it would all blowover in the morning. Laura also confessed that he also tried to intice her into having sex with him which she said no and thought it was a little odd. I'm guessing this caused her to call me since that moment was a red flag to her and was still on his side but wanted to hear my side before she blocked me.
I want nothing to do with him and even the thought of him fills me up with hate. I've never met a man so disgusting. I never have once laid hands on my husband and the allegations completely disrespect people who are actually stuck in those spousal situations. I don't know how much more I can put up with this and everything is really getting to me.
I'm genuinely sick and WILL certainly not be meeting him and want nothing to do with him. But hopefully meeting Laura to properly explain the truth.
I doubt anything else interesting will happen, just boring legal stuff. If it does I most likely won't make another update since im feeling mentally drained. Thank you everyone.
Edit: Given up with trying to block people who are trolls just going to reply to them and hope they delete their comments or don't reply anymore. ❤
**Comments**
*So he never cheated, Laura lied about the pregnancy, but now you're sure she's not lying about him lying about you cheating on him? Huh? This all blew up after you confronted him about cheating, which he never did, and you're still set on divorce? I think the story still needs a little work.*
>He called me a crazy bitch and tried to sleep with her I think divorce is right...
>
>And everyone who is telling me about the joint Bank account, there wasn't much in there anyway he can have it as long as he gets out of my life lol. Plus if he takes any hopefully it will look bad for him and I'll be able to keep as much of my belongings as I can. Worst case scenario I will have to sell the house.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,490 | 2023-08-24T19:49:15 | My husband's girl best friend is pregnant and she says it's his. | INCONCLUSIVE | Stephenallen1977 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/160c651/my_husbands_girl_best_friend_is_pregnant_and_she/ | false | false | [
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160oai0 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is still** [u/Same\_File\_502](https://www.reddit.com/user/Same_File_502/). He posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/) and his own page.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!<
**Original** [**Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15bji43/aita_for_saying_that_i_was_hurt_that_i_wasnt/)**: July 27, 2023**
I (28M) used to have a friend group of about 10 people back when we were in middle and highschool then college happened and we all drifted apart. Nothing happened to make us drift apart, Just growing up and losing contact. still friends but not "talk all the time. hang out regularly" friends if that makes sense. But of course some of us stayed close friends with eachother.
One person from this friend group "kayla" (fake name) (28F) is getting married in a few weeks. I didnt get an invitation but i wasnt hurt. i understood. we didnt stay close friends. but then i was hanging out with my best friend "bob", (28M) who was also in that friend group, a few days ago and he mentioned that he's going to the wedding. i was a little surprised but i just told him i hoped he had a good time. he asked if i was going and i told him no, i didnt get an invite. he said that was strange because everyone else from the group was going. two of them were plus ones as they were dating or married to other ones who got an invite. but they were all going and kayla knew it and even told bob she was really happy that "the gang was getting back together on her special day". i told bob i was kinda hurt by that but i didnt want to make a big deal of it.
two days pass. kayla calls me fuming mad that i was "whining that i didnt get an invite to anyone who would listen". I told her that i wasnt. i explained to her what happened. she said that shes been getting texts and calls from other members of the group saying that she should have included me and wanted me to put a stop to it. i said i would do my best and that i was sorry that i caused her this trouble. she thanked me for the apology and hung up.
i called bob and asked him why he spread this around and he said that he didnt mean to. he felt bad that i was hurt and he wanted to ask someone else from the group if they knew why i wasnt invited and she spread it around i guess and everyone wanted to know why kayla cut me out specifically so they started asking her. so i made a facebook group chat with all of them and politely asked them to leave kayla alone. that i was just hurt in the moment and vented about it to my best friend and thats where it should have stayed. they all said okay and apologized to kayla.
yesterday kayla made a facebook post ranting about me without saying my name and said she had to hire security and give them a photo of me to make sure i didnt try to crash the wedding. something i would never do. the comments under the post were calling her out. she called me again and screamed at me that i was ruining her wedding and told me that some of the friends are considering not going to the wedding now. and now im just wondering if i should have just kept my mouth shut or stood up for myself or what
**EDIT:** Next Day
i woke up to 160 something notifications on this and im doing my best to answer questions and all that. but to answer some frequent questions and points:
Im bi, i have no knowledge of kayla ever having a crush on me, i dont know if her fiance is gay or bi, i never dated kayla, i dated someone else from the group back in highschool into college but the relationship ended amicably and im still good friends with her, the only notable event that might have made things weird is that we all went skinny dipping once when we were 16 but nothing else really happened there and as far as i know, nobody was creeped out or anything by it. there was no big political shift in any of us that may have divided us.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Was she always this unhinged?*
"not that i remember. she was a little intense sometimes. but never this kind of crazy"
*Why did you apologize?*
"she was very mad on the phone, i was surprised that she found out about a private conversation i had in my backyard and i felt bad that the others were asking her why i wasnt invited so much that she felt the need to call me. if i did it again after she made the facebook post and then called to yell at me again, i probably wouldnt have apologized but hindsight is 20/20"
*Is it a race or sexuality thing?*
"most of us are white, two asians and a hispanic person. but kayla and i are white. so i dont think its that"
"there are others in the group that are gay or bi for sure. 3 of them out and 1 thats still in the closet but has told me. i dont know who else theyve told though"
*You don't know what your other friends may have said to her:*
"youre right. i dont know what they were saying to her. they said they were just asking her why i wasnt invited while the rest of them were but i just took their word for it. they may have been rude or badgered her or who knows what else. and youre also right that its within her right to not invite me. of course. i didnt mean to stir any drama at all with any of this. i was just sitting outside with my best friend having some drinks and i admitted i was hurt that everyone but me was invited. and thats all i expected it to be. just two friends talking. but then this whole thing spiraled into a shitstorm that i didnt intend in my wildest dreams"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [**Post**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Same_File_502/comments/15dcd65/update_aita_for_saying_that_i_was_hurt_that_i/)**: July 29, 2023 (2 days from OG post)**
i decided to just do the update here because its so soon after the post and i didnt wanna deal with the mods of AITA being strict about update posts
link to original: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15bji43/aita\_for\_saying\_that\_i\_was\_hurt\_that\_i\_wasnt/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15bji43/aita_for_saying_that_i_was_hurt_that_i_wasnt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Anyway. I finally got an answer to why i wasn't invited to the wedding. Turns out that someone else from the group named "Samantha" (again, fake names all around) has had a crush on me for years but has been too afraid to tell me or act on it. Samantha was in the bridal party of Kayla's wedding and told Kayla that she was finally going to make a move on me at the wedding after all her bridal party duties were taken care of. Kayla didn't like this and thinks that i'm not good enough for Samantha but she didn't say anything and decided to just not invite me and hope Samantha dropped it. But when Samantha heard about me not being invited, she could smell the bullshit and confronted Kayla, knowing exactly why i wasn't invited and said she wasn't sure she wanted to be in the bridal party after Kayla would do something like this to her. That's when Kayla called me and flipped out the first time. After the group chat where i asked them to stop, Samantha was so upset that she DID drop out of the bridal party and that prompted the second phone call blow up to me.
Samantha called me this afternoon and told me all this, apologized for all the bullshit and asked me out for dinner on the night of the wedding and i accepted. this might seem petty to go out on the night of the wedding but it was Samantha's idea and also Kayla is batshit crazy and her number and social media is blocked so i cant get any more calls if she blows up a third time.
thanks for the judgement and kind words and reassurances in the AITA post.
**Small Additional Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Same_File_502/comments/15ja59s/little_baby_updates/)**: August 5, 2023 (7 days later)**
i posted this to the bottom of my update post but someone told me to make it its own post so here you go.
hi sorry i havent checked this in a few days. little baby updates for you. nothing big enough for a full update yet.
the wedding and my date with Sam is next weekend so expect the big update after that. Sam is considering/joking (not sure which) that shes going to wear her bridesmaid dress to the date because she loves the color, she already paid for it and "my tits look fantastic in it". im a little worried thats too "shoving it in kayla's face" but sam says she deserves it. I also asked Sam if she would be willing to write her own POV here and she said she would love to and that she will after our date when we go back to my place. also kayla actually sent me a letter in the mail apologizing and asking to unblock her so we can talk about this and "heal the loose ends". i didnt unblock her. Sam is completely certain that shes only trying to apologize so that ill tell the other 4 friends who have dropped out of the wedding to attend it.
like i said. big updates next weekend and Sam's POV
**\*\*\*\*\*Newest Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Same_File_502/comments/15r2768/probably_final_update/)**: August 14, 2023 (9 days from last post)\*\*\*\*\***
Sorry for the delay. wedding and my date was saturday. it went very well and Sam spent the night and all day sunday with me and i considered writing this update on sunday but i just wanted to have fun for a day, you know?
anyway, update. out of the 10 people that were in that friend group, 4 went to the wedding. kayla (of course), one that is kayla's cousin but still sides with me, her partner, and another who's mom is best friend with Kayla's mom and "would absolutely kill me if i didnt go, despite all this bullshit". Sam has kayla blocked on everything but kayla has sent her 3 written letters trying to convince her to reconsider dropping out of the wedding and shown up at kayla's house twice to try in person. Sam burned all 3 letters and didnt answer the door both times but told kayla through the door the second time that if she didnt go away, sam would call the cops. kayla called her an ungrateful skank and ran away. while the wedding was going on, the 3 friends at the wedding were leaking info Sam and i in a group chat. kayla replaced sam in the wedding party with another cousin in a dress that didnt match the others. kayla seemed happy throughout the wedding and honestly, despite all this, im happy that she was happy at her wedding, or at least pretended to be happy, as Sam said she might be doing. no big drama or blow up or anything happened at the wedding and Kayla and her husband are off to a honeymoon in hawaii. which i dont know how well thats going to go with the wildfires going on there right now.
now to the date, it went very very well. We met up at a korean bbq place that i said was good and we just had a great time talking about the past, how long shes had a crush on me (since middle school), talking about the kayla situation, and just all sorts of stuff. afterwards we went back to my place and spent the night together and all day the next day, she read these reddit posts and a bunch of comments. i said she could make her own account to post her POV or i could just let her use this one and she said she would text me her POV and i could just copy and paste it here so thats what im going to do under all this. Sam and i have a few more dates lined up and the others from the group know about kayla's reason for excluding me from the wedding and are cheering us on. really happy that this came out of a bad situation. thanks to everyone who assured me i wasnt in the wrong, cheered me on through this, and made me laugh with funny comments after i was feeling pretty down and felt like an asshole that ruined his friends wedding when i clearly didnt do anything wrong and this just kinda happened to me and i handled it as best i could
Sam's POV:
Hi Reddit. I'm "Sam". He never gave himself a fake name so I'll call him "Skipper". I've had a crush on Skipper since about 6th grade but never acted on it for various reason such as my fear of rejection, he was dating my friend for a while, I thought he was gay, things like that. But when Kayla was getting married I saw an opportunity to finally go for it.
Then I got my bridesmaid dress and saw how incredible I looked in it and that solidified my drive to make a move on Skipper. I was so excited that I told Kayla about all this and she smiled and said she was happy for me. I took that to mean she was cool with it. Then some time passes and I get word from one of our friends that Skipper was not invited and I was suspicious right away. Kayla was one of my best friends growing up and I love her but she's always had this underhanded side to her and I suspected that my plan was the reason Skipper wasn't invited so I asked her about it.
She tried to dodge the question and manipulate me but finally she just admitted it and told me that Skipper wasn't good enough for me. I was furious and told her I was extremely hurt that she would do something like this to me and that I wasn't sure I wanted to be her bridesmaid anymore. She screamed at me and hung up. Later I was added to a group chat with the other members of the group and Skipper asked us all to drop whatever we were saying to Kayla and I just knew that Kayla had bitched him out about this but I wanted to respect what Skipper was asking us to do and keep the peace so I kept my mouth shut.
But then Kayla made that facebook post and I was so upset that I called her and dropped out of the wedding. I understand that's when she called Skipper and screamed at him the second time. A day or two passes and I call Skipper and tell him what happened and ask him out. He says yes, Kayla harasses me for a while in text, calls, letters, and showing up at my house until I block her on everything and threaten to call the cops on her. The date went amazingly well and Skipper is an amazing man that I'm so glad I finally asked him out. I read some of your comments and I don't know if Kayla was trying to set me up with someone else. She never said so or alluded to it. I don't think Kayla has a crush on me or Skipper, we were close friends for decades now and she never said anything to indicate that. And finally some of you asked me to post a photo of myself in the dress. I'm not comfortable doing that. I look amazing in it but I'm just not comfortable posting photos of myself all over the internet especially connected to a story like this where it would be easy to connect the dots and probably find out my real name and things like that.
But thanks to everyone that told Skipper he wasn't an asshole and cheered him on once they found out that I exist and that I was the drama nexus. And as many of you said, I promise that if this relationship goes well and we end up getting married, Kayla will be as far from it as humanly possible. | 7,697 | 2023-08-25T04:00:11 | Newest Update: AITA for saying that i was hurt that i wasnt invited to a wedding that all my old friends were invited to? | NEW UPDATE | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/160oai0/newest_update_aita_for_saying_that_i_was_hurt/ | false | false | [
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160ofmm | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/AwwNoNope
**I hired a professional cleaner**
**Originally posted to** r/CleaningTips
**Thanks to u/e_l_r for showing my this post**
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!talk of mental illness!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/15uy3aw/i_hired_a_professional_cleaner/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 18, 2023**
I am struggling mentally with stuff and my flat hasn't been cleaned in 6 months (I haven't cleaned the windows in 3 years...). I finally recognized that I need help because I won't be able to get it sorted on my own. I hired a cleaning company but I'm having second thoughts. I told them about my situation - they didn't need any pictures and are sending two ladies for a 7-8h clean. But I'm worried because:
- there's a lot of - and I mean a lot of fruit flies, because I bought a watermelon, forgot about it (and because I didn't even get out of my bedroom for a month) and then accidentally "kicked the nest". I tried to vacuum some of them... but well. Will this be an issue? The watermelon is gone. I've also ordered online some traps for them but they won't be there until next week.
- I have a lot of expired food in my fridge - but I did check the option for fridge cleaning. Should I force myself to tackle that? Somehow. (I also haven't opened my fridge in a couple of months and just thinking about it makes me lose sleep.)
- I had trash all over my flat - take-out boxes with moulding food, packaging ect. I packed most of it into trash bags but I can't make myself take it out. Will this be enough? I break out in hives at the thought that my neighbours will see me hauling 10-15 trashbags out.
The cleaning ladies will be here in about 10h. I am freaking out and thinking about cancelling.
**~OOP UPDATED THE SAME DAY~**
A VERY HAPPY UPDATE:
I got the keys back. I cried again, but the flat looks amazing. The ladies went above and beyond and helped with organizing the kitchen and even did laundry. The service cost twice the original price - though they were upfront about that once they looked at the flat, and it was very fair. I also tipped because holly-molly I am so, so grateful.
The ladies are coming back in three weeks to clean again and give me the motivation to keep the flat as close to what it is now as possible. So, thank you so much, everyone. I was panicking yesterday before the meds kicked in and you all kept me from cancelling the booking. I am super, super happy and relieved to have my space so perfect.
The highlights I've found so far:
- my fridge is empty and I have NO food in my apartment (which is good, as I can't be trusted around it and have dietary catering that starts on Monday as my doctor recommended). It's a huge, huge relief.
- THE WINDOWS. HOLLY-F, they are so C-L-E-A-N!!!
- it smells so good now!
- I have more of my workspace now and it's so freeing I can't stop touching the desk and the clean screens omg thank you so much
- i will never get over the empty fridge.
Some pictures for those of you who'd like to see the before and after.
https://imgur.com/a/VqbzPib
(The fruit flies shall die tonight. I have the vinegar and am ready for war.)
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**overwatchher**
>The best treatment here is to do it yourself. If you can post this on reddit, and even go out for an entire day, you have the energy to do it yourself. When you see how bad it is to clean, maybe this will help you not make the same mistakes again.
>Struggling alot myself, but letting things fall apart like this will not help you in any way.
**OOP replied**
>Hi. Thank you for your comment. It triggered me but I thought instead of shutting down I'll use this, so that maybe someone else will read it and feel better. I don't mean this as an attack on you - I think you have good intentions and I am grateful that you took your time to comfort me.
>To me, it was triggering because the state I'm in and the state of my flat are very delicate topics. I'm very much living a nightmare right now. My mental illness has been with me most of my life, sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. I have a well paid job, I have extensive circle of friends, I always show up for engagements but that doesn't mean that I am able to look after myself or my flat. For me - when my meds stopped working as they should I didn't even notice what I was doing to myself. I thought I could just do it tomorrow, today I've got a work project to finish. When my shower clogged I just washed in my sink. When I ran out of clean dishes I just ordered take out and when I didn't have to do anything for work or with friends I just stayed in bed all day, sleeping for 15h+. All of that seemed completely reasonable to me. That is the most insidious part of it all. I am ashamed and I am afraid of what my own mind can reduce me to every single day. My worst fear is that one that I won't be able to break out in time.
>I changed my meds and it does make a difference. I posted on Reddit before they kicked in, and I was panicking. Saying things like "if you can do X then you can do Y" hurts because, believe me, I would give anything if it worked like that. I would happily trade watching a YT vid or even going for a walk, to be able to do what everybody else can.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,324 | 2023-08-25T04:06:37 | I hired a professional cleaner | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/160ofmm/i_hired_a_professional_cleaner/ | false | false | [
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160oi9o | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/CardamomChaii
**BF (32M) did not celebrate my (33F) birthday this year + no gift/gestures. His bday is coming up. What do I do?**
**Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice
**Thanks to Anarchy from the BoRU discord for showing me all the posts**
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Emotional manipulation and Emotional abuse!<
[My (33F) Boyfriend (32M) of 4.5 yrs seems not to care about my pleasure when intimate](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15lwcnr/my_33f_boyfriend_32m_of_45_yrs_seems_not_to_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 8, 2023**
My boyfriend (32M) and I (33F) have been together for 4.5 years. He has been my only intimate partner and he was the person I thought I was going to marry, but, things have been rocky lately. We're trying to work through those issues, but there is one issue that I don't know if I can work through, and that has to do with intimacy.
Ever since we were first intimate, he does not seem to prioritize my pleasure during the act. For the first little while, it was a lot of exploration and thought that maybe he'd need time to discover what works for me. But I noticed that there were no attempts being made. I then decided to have a conversation with him about it, where he seemed to understand and agree that it was important that we both enjoy the act.
The next time the situation presented itself, he did not attempt again. I had the conversation about it with him again and he apologized and said he would try again. This continued to happen, and I continued to stay and wait. In the 4.5 years we were together, we have been intimate for 4 years and I can count, on one hand, the times he has tried, but, given up.
I first thought it was me and that I was the problem. So I went to therapy and spoke to a therapist about this. She asked me if I have been able to in the past, and I told her I have. She asked me if I communicate with my partner about what works for me and what does not before the act and during, and I have too. She told me that I am not the problem and it seems that my partner is just not interested in equality in that realm of the relationship and that it likely extends beyond that too.
I thought, maybe just some one on one time away would help, so I have booked countless air BnBs for us, cottage get aways, city staycations...you name it. But nothing has been enough for him to prioritize me in that sense.
I had a final conversation about this and he promised that from then on, that would be his priority. A few days ago he had 2 opportunities but he did not try. Today, he called me saying that he would like to dedicate some time to just making sure that I was pleasured, this week.
I told him that I decided that I don't want to be intimate with him any longer. And then he proceeded to fight with me on the phone. I politely told him I was not interested in fighting and I hung up.
Are there male partners out there like this? Have I exhausted everything? Am I being just plain stupid?
tl;dr: Male partner is not prioritizing female partner's pleasure, 4.5 years in, after countless conversations. What to do?
[My Boyfriend's (33M) birthday is coming up: watch suggestions under or around $500 CAD?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Watches/comments/15rfhb1/my_boyfriends_33m_birthday_is_coming_up_watch/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 15, 2023**
[BF (32M) did not celebrate my (33F) birthday this year + no gift/gestures. His bday is coming up. What do I do?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15t3vvk/bf_32m_did_not_celebrate_my_33f_birthday_this/) **Aug 16, 2023**
BF (32M) and I (33F) got into a big argument a few days before my birthday (about a month ago) and he did not do anything to celebrate my birthday. It's been a month since my birthday and while the argument was resolved, he did not offer to do anything to celebrate my birthday, or get me a present during this time.
His birthday is coming up this weekend and I always go above and beyond for his birthdays each year. Given he did not celebrate mine, how should I approach this?
TL;DR: BF did not celebrate my bday, and his bday is coming up. What do I do?
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**kzapwn**
>I’d probably just do what you normally do. Going tit for tat seems unhealthy
**OOP replied**
>>I agree. But it's been like this on numerous occasions and that's where my issue is. It happened last year too. So I'm not really sure how to approach this now. It's kind of always me doing much more than he does on all occasions - Christmas, birthdays...anniversaries. I've spoken to him about it, but it does not ever translate into actual changes. And at this point, I'm also a bit exhausted/I feel stupid for asking him to want to do things for me.
**kzapwn**
>>>Well if he doesn’t listen or adapt to meet your needs then maybe this should be your last holiday with him.
>>>He makes it out that I ask too much for things and when I try to explain my feelings to him, he makes it out such that I don't have a right to feel the way I do.
>>>I'll give you an example: Last night, we were supposed to meet up in the evening. His friends came by to see him and he told me about them but never brought up cancelling our plans or rescheduling -- he pretended like our plans did not exist. When I was a bit upset about it and told him that it would have been nice if he has at least spoken to me about it and rescheduled, he got mad at me. This morning he called and yelled at me for ruining his evening with his friends because he could not enjoy it to the full extent after our convo.
>>>...I'm really not sure how to explain things to him in a way that makes sense to him. That I have feelings too. It never goes over well when I try.
**kzapwn**
>>>>None of that crazy behavior makes you want to dump him?
*
**saltychica**
>I looked at your post history. This selfish AH doesn’t give af. Sounds like he’s picking fights timed conveniently to avoid buying you anything & then making up in time to cash in. Don’t spent any more time or money on this creep. Lose 200 lb of dead weight & be so much happier & more peaceful. You’re worth so much more than what you’re settling for.
**OOP replied**
>>I've always given him the benefit of the doubt and, perhaps, too many chances to make things better after he's hurt me again and again.
>>He usually blames me for starting arguments because I bring things up that he may say or do that bother me, and I approach him for a discussion. For example, he'll yell at me and I will ask him not to. His response will be "you made me get to this point, and now you're asking me to be respectful?" He'll usually then follow up with an apology later. Along the same vein, the argument before my birthday was around why I brought up a conversation we were supposed to have about a lie he had told me that he does not want to address.
>>**...as I type this all out, I realize how stupid I am being by having stayed.**
>>I asked him today, after I made this post, about why I'm not a priority to him and I did, as some suggest, bring up my birthday. I asked him why things that are important in my life are not important to him...and unfortunately he was pin drop silent.
>>**The wonderful community here has reminded me that I do deserve more.**
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15v2r7j/first_update_on_bf_32m_did_not_celebrate_my_33f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 18, 2023**
**Firstly and most importantly, thank you everyone for the love and advice on the original post. I've taken most of it to heart and I will do better by myself and you!**
BF (32M) called just now (after not having spoken or reached out in about 48 hours. Also it's his birthday this weekend), and he told me (GF; 33F), in a very somber voice, that he missed me so very much and that he was incredibly sad that we hadn't spoken in a couple days.
I could hear he was driving and I was on his car's bluetooth. I asked him where he was headed to, and, without pause, he told me that he was on his way to a last-minute party invite at his friend's house, which is about 1.5 hours away. But he quickly followed up with, "it's just a distraction because I miss you and love you so much."
I asked him, if he was "truly missing me" and "wanted to work things out," (as he said on the phone) and had an evening free, how is it that he didn't consider reaching out to spend some time together to discuss things? It's not like we had discussed not seeing each other. The last time we spoke, I asked him why things that were important to me were not to him and he was silent, and I didn't hear from him again. _(Of note: I have enough respect for him that I decided if a break up was right, which is likely, I would have that conversation in person. But that has not happened in the 48 hours since we last spoke!)_
He had no response and then after a pause, he asked if I had some time tomorrow to sit down to talk instead, given he was looking forward to the party now.
I started crying because it made me incredibly sad to realize this was all just a game to him. All talk. Completely disingenuous. No heart.
**This is 4.5 years together. I was an idiot. But, what a guy.**
TL;DR: Update to the post about birthday present for BF (32M) who did not celebrate GF (33F)'s bday. He called. His birthday is this weekend. He was missing me. He had an evening free. Accepted a last minute invite to a random party and was on the way there
*
**Marked as ongoing since OOP has not stated if she has broken up with her boyfriend**
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 5,360 | 2023-08-25T04:10:10 | BF (32M) did not celebrate my (33F) birthday this year + no gift/gestures. His bday is coming up. What do I do? | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/160oi9o/bf_32m_did_not_celebrate_my_33f_birthday_this/ | false | false | [
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16125sc | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRA4290 in r/NoStupidQuestions**
---
[**Going to jail in 7 hours, what is something I should do before I go?**](https://old.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/15301r0/going_to_jail_in_7_hours_what_is_something_i/) - Tue Jul 18 14:29:58 2023 UTC
It's only a month but I feel like there's something I'm not remembering. I've unplugged appliances and such, done my laundry, cleaned up, took the trash out, made sure my bills are good until I'm out, no food thats gonna expire while im gone. Is there anything simple I may have forgotten?
All Updates are on the same post.(https://old.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/15301r0/going_to_jail_in_7_hours_what_is_something_i/) - 2023-08-18T20:38:35+00:00
Edit: HI everyone, I'm back! I'll do a detailed update after work, but overall it was incredibly boring. I have plenty more to share but all in all, 2/10 don't recommend
Edit 2: Well I already typed this out once and accidentally deleted it, so sorry for the delay. I'll start off by saying jail is not very fun that's for sure. So after I made this post, before it blew up, I did a last check of my apartment, made sure my bills were good and I had someone to check on my place. My sister came and picked me up around noon, we got a bit high and went to watch Across the Spider-Verse (10/10, loved it).
After that we hit up the Wendy's by the jail for my proverbial last supper. Honestly I was very anxious so I had to pretty much how force myself to eat it, but I'm glad I did. I turned myself in at exactly 6:00pm to the jail. Initially they didn't even know I was supposed to show up, but they got that squared away pretty quickly.
First they had me sign some paperwork and get a little medical check up, just vitals and some questions. Next they had me strip down and take a shower, they gave me some anti lice shampoo that made my scalp and body incredibly cold.
Next they gave me my jail clothes and had me go through a full body scan to make sure I wasn't carrying drugs in my prison wallet. They give orange jumpsuits to inmates who have been arrested, but are awaiting court, gray to inmates who have been sentenced (me), and white clothes to the workers. Workers have their clothes and towels changed out every day, while everyone else got them switched on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday.
They also gave us new sheets on Sundays. After I was dressed and clean enough, they sent me back to the "intake dorm" so to speak. This was a room with 24 cells in it, 12 on top, 12 on bottom. There was a common area with 6 tables and a TV, as well as a pull up bar that you could also do dips on. This specific jail doesn't have outside recreation time anymore because the state says a pull up bar is enough to count as recreation time. So basically I was inside a room with nearly no windows for my sentence.
My cell here was about 12 feet long and 7 feet wide. It had a sink, toilet, and a desk in it. The "bed" was a metal rack with about an inch of foam to lay on. We didnt get pillows, but we got 2 sheets and a wool blanket that was very itchy. I used the wool blanket as my pillow and covered up with a sheet, while using the other sheet to act as a barrier between me and the foam. Luckily for me I am a very warm sleeper, because the jail was kept very cold at all times. Since the intake dorm is a medium security block, we had to lockdown in our cells from 1pm-3pm, as well as 9pm-6am everyday.
At 6am sharp, they turn all of the lights on and announce "head count" on the speaker. This means I had to get out of my bed and go stand by the cell door while the guards came around and made sure no one escaped over night. If you didn't get out of bed they locked you in your cell for 24 hours until the next morning. After that I would lay back down and try to sleep until breakfast came at 7am.
Breakfast was generally cereal with milk, peanut butter with toast, and either apple or orange juice. The food menu was the same every week, I'll post that somewhere down below. After breakfast I always went back to my cell to lay down and try to get some sleep, but the intake dorm was incredibly loud.
People couldn't seem to have a conversation without yelling, people were playing dominoes and cards from 6am to 9pm slapping them on the table, no one had any respect for other people basically because it's a bunch of literal criminals who just got to jail. Not to mention how bright the lights were. What I'm saying is there wasn't many nap opportunities in that block. Since I couldn't sleep much I read my books (library was every Wednesday morning, luckily my first morning there. Could check out 4 books), brushed up on my spades and rumi skills, learned how to play tonk, played a bit of poker too.
I played some chess, and lost a game to an old man. I was thinking all day about how bad I wanted to play him again, only for him to get released right after dinner. I still want that rematch Randy.
Sometime before lunch I would shower. In this dorm there were 2 separate single person showers. They were very small, and way too hot. Don't even THINK about stepping foot in there without your sandals on. Also don't touch the walls. Or the curtain. Basically don't touch anything but the button that makes water come out, the showers were nastier than any shower I've had to use in my many many years playing hockey. This includes the multiple showers with literal shit on the floor. I managed to not drop the soap too, a skill I've been honing all my life.
Now, I went in on a Tuesday night and immediately put in a commissary order of shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothpaste, some Ramen, some candy, you get it, the essentials. I got all of that on Thursday morning which was nice, until I realized I forgot to buy deodorant, yay :) I'm very about my personal hygiene, and commissary didn't come again until the next Tuesday, so that was a rough week for me.
Honestly it didn't make much of a difference, since half of the people in there didn't shower or brush their teeth at all, making the dorm smell.. unique to put it lightly. The toothbrush they give to the inmates is a grand total of 2 inches long, which meant I had to basically deepthroat my fingers two or three times a day to clean my teeth. Not a good look in jail. The reason is so no shanks could be made, but they gave us a very long very hard plastic spoon that could stab someone perfectly well, so I call bullshit.
Anyway, after all that, lunch came around 12pm. We would eat and lounge about some more until 1pm when they locked us in our cells.
From 1pm-3pm it was generally pretty quiet since everyone was in their own space, so naturally I slept as much as I could, because why would I want to be conscious in jail when I don't have to be? When 3pm came around they did head count again, and again if you weren't fully dressed by your cell door they would lock you in your cell for 24 hours.
I never had that happen but I sure witnessed it happening plenty. Usually it was because someone was withdrawaling from drugs or they were understandably depressed about being incarcerated. After that we would do the same shit, just waiting around until more food came.
Dinner was sometime between 5:30 and 6pm. I guess ill post the food menu here since you're all dying to know. I'll preface that by saying the county jail that I went to has a reputation, unbeknownst to me, for actually having good food compared to other jails in my state. I would compare it to the school lunches I got in high school, not amazing but it was edible, and for that I feel lucky. So here's the menu
Monday: Breakfast- sausage and cheese McMuffin (delicious), hash brown, juice, milk. Lunch- Mac and cheese (not bad), either cucumber salad or zucchini, milk. Dinner- sloppy Joe with a biscuit (eh), peas and carrots, bread and butter
Tuesday: Breakfast- froot loops, peanut butter and toast, juice, milk. Lunch- cheese pizza (cardboard) breadstick, salad, milk Dinner- meatball sub (pretty good), a random vegetable
Wednesday: Breakfast- cheerios, peanut butter and toast, juice, milk. Lunch- cheeseburger (good), fries (bad), cucumber salad, milk. Dinner- vegetable soup (tasted good but it was literally 6 spoonfuls of soup), celery and carrots, bread and butter
Thursday: Breakfast- egg and cheese bagel Lunch- grilled cheese (6 fuckin pieces of unmelted cheese), tomato soup, crackers, milk. Dinner- turkey (rubbery, but decent) with stuffing, gravy, peas, bread and butter
Friday: Breakfast- corn flakes, peanut butter and toast, juice, milk. Lunch- chicken tacos (delicious), zucchini, milk Dinner- polish sausage, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, bread and butter
Saturday: Breakfast- "pancakes" with syrup, hard boiled egg, juice, milk. They were not good pancakes Lunch- hot dog, baked beans, tater tots, milk Dinner- don't remember
Sunday: Breakfast- rice bran, peanut butter with toast, juice, milk. Lunch- don't remember Dinner- rice and chicken with some sort of brown sauce. Not BBQ, wasn't bad, A vegetable, bread and butter.
All of the meat was turkey or chicken.
After dinner we did a whole lot of nothing until 9pm when they locked us down. My block actually had 1 inmate who was waiting to be sentenced on an arson charge with attempted murder tacked on there, so he wasn't allowed around other inmates and was on 23 hour lock down. His 1 hour of free time was from 9pm-10pm when we were locked in our cells and oh my, this guy was a fuckin nut.
He drank the cleaning products, are trash off the floor, walked around naked one night, harassed everyone else, and was just generally very entertaining to all of the other very bored inmates. We called him Charlie because he was basically Charles Manson Jr. I do not miss that guy.
Anyway at 10pm they turned the lights off, but it never actually gets dark in jail. This posed a problem for me, because I have serious trouble falling asleep as it is. So I would read until I got sleepy enough, then use my shirt to cover my eyes and doze off.
Usually I was pretty hungry at bed time so I would eat a Ramen before I brushed my teeth. There wasn't a microwave in the intake dorm so I would fill my bowl of noodles with warm water, until the noodles got soft. Then I would dump that water out and put new warm water in and mix in the seasoning. The cells sink water only got to about 100-110 degrees so it wasn't very good, but it was food so I'm not complaining.
The food they served us was good enough, but there was never very much of it so I had to make due with what I had. For reference I'm 5"11' and about 165lbs. I've always been active and have a physically engaging job, so I eat a bit more and burn more calories.
I would end up falling asleep some time around 1 or 2am most days until 6am when it started all over again.
After a week in there they finally moved me back to the minimum security dorm. This was a room about the size of a gymnasium with much lower ceilings. There were a total of 78 beds, 19 bunk beds on the back wall, with 2 rows of 20 single beds just in front of them. There was a communal bathroom with 3 urinals, 3 toilets (and cleaner to use before every movement), and 6 shower heads. Despite the 6 showers we could only use 1 at a time, apparently with the exception of the one guy who just hopped in there with me for a few minutes, cleaned, and went about his day.
Like I said I've played hockey for many years and showered with a lot of other guys, so I just treated it the same way and neither of us acknowledged the other. There was a guard desk with a guard in there 24/7. 95% of the time the guards were scrolling tiktok or playing online poker, paying no attention to the inmates, and even less attention to the showers that were 25 feet away from them. The other 5% they would walk from bunk to bunk looking for stashes of fruit or unmade beds. We had a couple shakedowns (where they tear the whole place up looking for contraband), nothing really came of them though.
The intake dorm also had a vending machine stocked with Ramen, candy, other sweets like honeybuns and cinnamon rolls and things of that nature, pop (soda for you nonmidwesterners), coffee, sugar, you get the idea. A "Commissary to go" machine if you will. Everything from the vending machine was also less expensive ($1 for Ramen instead of $1.40, $2.55 for pop instead of $2.85, etc). There was also 2 microwaves and 2 TVs, 1 TV always on ESPN or some other sports channel, the other on a movie or show.
The minimum dorm also didn't lock down from 1pm-3pm, and didn't lock down at night until 10pm. So while you sacrificed privacy, the microwave and vending machine were too good to pass up, so everyone stayed in there. Oh also the cot you slept on was actually somewhat comfortable, as much as foam on a metal rack can be I guess.
All of the workers stayed here as well as most non violent offenders who weren't a nuisance. There were a couple fights in here though, and the people involved got immediately sent to the hole (yes, it's a real thing). Basically a cell with no TV, no other people, no commissary, basically nothing at all but your thoughts and the occasional tray of food to tell what time it is. I luckily did not have to check it out for myself.
The days went by the same way in minimum, except I didn't get a nap time from 1-3pm, so I got even less sleep in there. I did however get to read more books, so it wasn't all bad. The only things to do were sleep, eat, read, play cards, maybe a little chess if you're feelin froggy that day, or sit on a metal seat and watch TV. The seats were unbearable for more than an hour. A lot of people also walked laps or did pull ups on the bullshit machine that was supposed to be our recreation area.
Did I mention we weren't allowed outside? Yeah I'm still a bit salty about that so I'll say it again. There were phones in each dorm to use. After your 1 free call, using the phone cost 21 cents per minute, which is damn expensive so I used it sparingly. There was a guy who was arrested on some crazy drug trafficking charges in there (2kgs of cocaine, $25,000 in cash) awaiting his trial. He used the phone for 8 HOURS A DAY. I am not exaggerating. He also didn't speak a lick of English and would sometimes start screaming into the phone. He actually got sent back to the secure dorms because he missed headcount.. because he was on the phone. I feel like there's a lot I'm missing, and it'll all come to me later, but for now I'll wrap it up. Jail is not a fun place to be, never has been, never will be.
That said I deserved it, and I did the time.
Lastly stay positive, life is too short to spend it any other way.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,447 | 2023-08-25T15:18:36 | OOP post before and after going to jail. | CONCLUDED | BlushVioletPrincess | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16125sc/oop_post_before_and_after_going_to_jail/ | false | false | [
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1613z6c | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/CallMeDesdinova42
**I finally told my father's infantilizing friend that I hate him**
**Originally posted to** r/EntitledPeople
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Verbal abuse!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/15nic7k/i_finally_told_my_fathers_infantilizing_friend/) **Aug 10, 2023**
Years ago, my dad met "Harold" through mutual friends, and they hit it off. I was 18 and in college when I met him, and we never had a close relationship. However, he always seemed to think of himself as a family friend, and was extremely infantilizing and condescending towards me. Every time I saw him, I'd try to tell myself it wasn't that bad, only for him to prove me wrong less than a minute later.
Harold would disrespect my boundaries, say things like "you're not 19, you're a baby" while I was talking to other people and patronize me, my education or my hobbies whenever he had the chance. He always noticed that annoyed me, to which he'd playfully ask if I "hated him". I always said no, but only for my father's sake.
The final straw came the day Harold interrupted a barbecue to say, "I really like you, even though you're an impolite brat." I was 20 years old. I'd been quiet all day, working on a paper during the barbecue, but replied patiently and politely whenever anyone addressed me. And even if that hadn't been the case, I knew he didn't have the right to talk to me like that. After that, I started making an effort to avoid any events I knew he'd be attending.
Yesterday was my father's girlfriend's birthday. They threw a small lunch party at my dad's apartment. I went there with my fiancé and our six month old son.
Harold was there. I hadn't seen him in months, but he still talked to me as if I was a dumb child. Nevermind that I'm engaged, a mother, and 26 years old. I spent the whole party ignoring his "helpful advice" about me being too young to get married or be a mom. It helped that most of the other guests seemed to disagree with him.
My baby spent most of the afternoon sleeping (there's a bassinet in my old room). He woke up hungry, so I went to breastfeed him and excused myself from the party for a while. I got back to jokes and comments, all from Harold, about how I was "probably struggling" if my son was managing to leech me away for so long. He went on to interrupt a conversation I was having with another of my dad's friends to question pretty much everything about my parenting (he doesn't even have custody of his daughter, by the way) and to make more comments about my age.
I decided I couldn't take it anymore after he asked if I'd thought about giving my baby up for adoption. I got my son and told my fiancé we were leaving. We said goodbye to everyone except Harold.
When we got to the door, Harold came to ask why we were leaving. I tried to make up an excuse, but he kept trying to make us stay. After a small back-and-forth, he jokingly asked if I hated him. And this time, I said, "Yes. I do. Can we go now?"
He didn't say anything, and we left. On the way home, my fiancé said he was proud of me. My father called this morning to say the opposite, and we had a small fight, but ultimately decided to drop the subject. I'm sure this isn't over, but if it keeps going, it won't be because of me.
This is far from my proudest moment, and a small part of me regrets it, but I'm done with that guy.
EDIT: Jesus Christ Superstar, that's a lot of comments. To answer some common questions:
-I don't think Harold is in love with me.
-Harold didn't tell me to give up my son, he asked if I'd thought of doing so when I got pregnant. It was still an awful question, specially since he interrupted a conversation I was having with someone else (my dad's girlfriend's pregnant friend, who was asking about my own pregnancy and delivery) to ask it.
-I don't like making a big deal out of things unless necessary. If I'm uncomfortable, I leave. If I don't like someone, I avoid them. It's usually less stressful.
-The fight between me and my father ended when I told him about the adoption comment. I don't think he gets that's not the only reason I left, but it was definitely what broke the camel's back.
-I really don't need my father to stop being friends with Harold. He's a grown man capable of making his own crappy decisions.
-I never told my dad I hated Harold because I never thought I had to like him in the first place. He's my father's friend, not mine. And I've been distancing myself from Harold since I was 20, meaning I haven't seen him much in the last 6 years.
-My fiancé was on the other side of the room and wasn't listening to Harold's comments. I filled him in when we got to the car. He's 100% on my side.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/15uq3s8/update_i_finally_told_my_fathers_infantilizing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 18, 2023**
Hey guys! I wasn't going to write an update, but I just got some free time and I figured I'd fill you in.
I'll start by addressing the (very frequent) assumption that Harold has feelings for me. I really don't think that's the case. His comments always came out as annoying and condescending, but never sexual. But I will say that your comments scared the shit out of me. And the fact that the general consensus was "fuck Harold" was weirdly heartwarming.
I also want to add that, while I did regret what I said a little bit, I never doubted I'd done the right thing. I think most of my regret came from the fact that my eight years of keeping the peace were over. It took some time for the relief to sink in. Truth be told, I've been wanting to do this since the barbecue incident, which was when I went from "I don't like that guy" to "I can't stand that guy."
My father called Harold the day after I made my previous post. When confronted about the adoption comment, he tried to twist it as him being "genuinely concerned" about me being a mom so soon, and that he didn't think I knew what I was doing. He did apologize to my father. I don't buy any of that.
The next day, my dad told me about the call. He said I should forgive Harold for what he thought was an honest misunderstanding. He also told me I should apologize too, since I'd "overreacted" by telling Harold I hated him for such a small reason.
Many of Harold's past comments were made with my father close by. It often happened in the middle of conversations with other people, so he'd be too distracted to register them. He also wouldn't notice them most of the time. My dad doesn't pay enough attention to anything that doesn't either concern or anger him, and he'll most likely forget it until he gets angry at something else later anyway. He's like a meth head goldfish. We also have different definitions of what's offensive, so he'd never think they were a big deal.
I told my father I wasn't exaggerating when I said I hated Harold, and that the adoption comment was far from being the only reason. I listed most of the condescending treatment and comments I could remember, including the ones from the party. He didn't remember any of them. I made it very clear that I'd hated Harold for years prior to the party, and that I had nothing to apologize for.
I then stated that I'm no longer coming to any events Harold is invited to. My father doesn't need to stop being friends with him, or even stop inviting him to stuff, but he can no longer expect me to show up as well. I will ask him beforehand, and if he lies, I'll leave.
My father called me dramatic, but I pointed out that I've been avoiding Harold for six years now and no one even noticed, so it clearly wasn't a problem. I've only seen him a handful of times since the barbecue incident, and only twice for more than a few minutes (the lunch party last week and another party back when I was pregnant). It clearly didn't ruin my father's life. I'm not obliged to like his friends any more than he is to like mine.
There was some back and forth, but he agreed to my terms. We spoke yesterday about something else, and he mentioned Harold was upset. I ignored that.
I'm not going NC with my father. Yes, I'm very well aware he's an asshole, and I came really close to cutting times with him in the last few years, but I ultimately decided it wouldn't really fix anything. Maintaining my relationship with him has gotten a lot easier since I moved out, as we only see each other a couple times a month. He gets frustrated that I don't call or text much, but doesn't complain about it anymore. I don't see the point in going NC with someone who no longer has any say in how I live my life. I'd rather just take note of what my father did wrong when I was growing up and then make sure to raise my own kid differently.
He's on thin ice, though, and has been for some time. He's not allowed to babysit, mostly because I don't trust him to spend more than an hour alone with a baby without falling asleep on the couch. I began pushing for him to start doing therapy back when I got pregnant, and he finally got started back in June. His behavior around me and my younger sister (who still lives between our very divorced parents) has improved a lot since, and I've made it clear to him that he won't be allowed near my son if he stops attending.
This is the first time in my life my father has improved his behavior. It's hard to be hopeful, but I'm trying. And if I ever do go NC with my father, it won't be because of fucking Harold.
So that's it. Overall, I'm glad I don't have to deceive anyone anymore. My relationship with my father is rocky, but I won't dwell on it. My main responsibilities are my son, my fiancé and my job, and that's not changing anytime soon.
And to those who mentioned Jesus Christ Superstar and Blue Öyster Cult in my last post: has anyone told you you're fucking awesome today? Because you are.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 7,391 | 2023-08-25T16:27:48 | I finally told my father's infantilizing friend that I hate him | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1613z6c/i_finally_told_my_fathers_infantilizing_friend/ | false | false | [
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1615zp1 | Originally posted in r/AmItheAsshole from a now deleted account.
Update is within the same post as the original.
**ORIGINAL**: [AITA for not donating my babies old clothes to my sister in law?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/153kfun/aita_for_not_donating_my_babies_old_clothes_to_my/) \- July 19th 2023.
So I saw a hack online where you turn your babies old onesies into a T-shirt & bib when they outgrow them by cutting them at the bottom. I (26F) thought it was genius so I did exactly that with my babies onesies that they recently outgrew… fast forward a few days later & my pregnant sister in law (35F) messages me on Instagram (I posted a story showing & informing others of the hack) … I’ll copy & paste her message “Hi there and also wtf!?? Why would you mutilate your babies old clothes instead of going to the store & buying new ones like a normal person? I know you didn’t grow up with family but traditionally someone with a baby with hand down the old clothes to the next family member in need??? You know I’m due in 6 weeks so how could you be so inconsiderate & just disregard me?? Forget about coming to the christening!!” …she’s right, I didn’t grow up with family, so maybe I’m in the wrong & this is an unspoken rule… but I don’t understand why she never mentioned this to me. I donated his earlier outgrown things to a second hand shop… her & her husband are very boujee so it never occurred to me they would want/need my sons hand me downs. Her husband even got a new car recently so I know they’re not struggling financially. I feel guilty but also a bit annoyed because I think she’s overreacting not wanting me at the christening. AITA???
Edit: some of you said she might be lying about her financial situation, I assure you she’s not… her house is four times bigger than ours with a private pool (both my husband & I earn a lot of money but prefer a smaller house), she has two older children who are 12 & 15 that always have the best of everything… latest iPhone/Apple Watch/AirPods… expensive sneakers, new clothes etc. she also has her own car so her husband didn’t go into debt getting his new one. & they both vacation to tropical destinations multiple times per year. So I’m not assuming she’s too boujee for my sons hand me downs… she just is boujee & I never considered that she would want them.
​
**Relevant comments from OP, with a minor update in the last one:**
\- She’s even having a girl & is all about pink, purple & lots of bows/flowers etc. …my baby is a boy & besides a few yellow, red & white ones, they were mostly blue or had little footballs etc. on them …not that girls can’t wear blue or play football lol but I know that’s not how she seems to want to dress her baby.
\- It’s not the first time she’s spoken to me in a questionable manner either
\- I’ve been trying for years to be friendly & amicable with her for my husband’s sake because they’re very close but she often acts like she doesn’t like me
\- \[regarding her husband\] I wasn’t even going to mention it to him until we resolved it amongst ourselves… but she texted him saying that I told her she outright couldn’t have them… so I told him what really happened, even showed him her DM & he’s super annoyed & saying if I’m not welcome there then we both won’t go & he’s the godfather
​
*Judgement:* NTA
​
**UPDATE:**
Update: so she finally responded to my husband’s angry text telling her that even though he’s the godfather, neither of us would be showing our faces if I’m not welcome. She called him & cussed him out at first then started crying saying it’s the hormones & of course we are both welcome. He said that’s not good enough & she owes me an apology. She begrudgingly agreed & when he handed me the phone she said “I had no right to speak to you that way. You know how pregnancy can be, I was stressed & took it out on you. Please don’t be the reason my brother doesn’t show up for his godchild’s big day” …I responded “okay, let’s try to put this behind us. But moving forward, please just ask next time you need something & I’ll be happy to help!”
& here’s a link to the hack:
[https://www.hellowonderful.co/post/recycle-baby-clothes/](https://www.hellowonderful.co/post/recycle-baby-clothes/)
​
*Please note: this is a repost. I am NOT the original poster. Marked as concluded as the issue of the baby clothes is, ahem, 'resolved' and OP's account is now deleted.* | 4,054 | 2023-08-25T17:44:42 | AITA for not donating my babies old clothes to my sister in law? | CONCLUDED | InADustyCorner | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1615zp1/aita_for_not_donating_my_babies_old_clothes_to_my/ | false | false | [
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16185s9 | I am not the OP. These posts were made by u/throwramalo
OOP's original post was made to r/ relationship advice in 2021 before the subreddit implemented a rule for 18+ posts only. So when OOP tried to make a new update, he wasn't allowed to, so he instead added it to the bottom of the post she shared on his own subreddit
Trigger Warning: >!racism, emotional child abuse!<
Mood Spoiler: >!encouraging for OOP, but troublesome for his sister!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwramalo/comments/qdp68i/im20_purchased_my_sisterf13_tickets_to_the_team/): October 22nd, 2021
I don't live with my parents and moved into a dorm when I went to college. I'm attending out of state and moved out for personal reasons, but I moved out on decent terms because I compromised after something happened in high school. One of the reasons I moved out was because of an argument that came at the tail end of other personal things from over the years. My parents are heavily involved in their church (they're both leaders), and long story short, they weren't crazy about my girlfriend and preferred I date someone from the church who would share the same belief. I met my ex-girlfriend at a job I worked in high school, and it's important to note that my sister and I were homeschooled through a group that is associated with our church. So, they didn't like when I found someone outside of that circle and began to tell me that they "shouldn't have let me get a job" at 16
So, as a result, they began to treat my sister differently and said that they wouldn't let her work until she graduated, and they have been more adamant about keeping her social interaction to within the church only since I was 16ish with my ex. They also made her go through a purity course that I didn't have to along with telling her lies about my ex being someone who slept around (at 16), and they constantly used her as an example too. I only introduced them to my ex-girlfriend out of respect I felt I owed them at the time, but if I could do it over, I wouldn't because of how it caused them to treat my sister differently. From only church friends to purity and not letting her wear certain swimsuits or fitted clothes that "looks like something my girlfriend would wear" as they once said, I regretted it because they were strict on her because of me, and they hated my ex because she wasn't religious and said she was why I stopped going to church around that age
After my girlfriend and I broke up eventually (when we were still in high school), I became close with my sister and tried to spend more time with her, and I also decided to attend a weeknight Bible study and take her to youth to get back in their graces, and we bonded on those drives and had some good talks (where I vented about my parents), and they even eased up on my sister somewhat after we broke up (letting her go to a sports camp in the summer that wasn't a part of our church). I knew I wasn't religious, but going to church felt familiar when I was depressed, and my parents easing up felt like another plus. If it meant she'd have it easier, I figured it was bearable. So, I continued to attend through graduation until I moved out and went to college on good terms, and I kept a connection with her as a result until I screwed it up recently, and that's why I'm looking for advice
My sister wanted tickets to Simone Biles's "Gold Over America" tour for her birthday, and she told me during one of our usual calls as I'm on dorm. However, I've quickly come to regret it since coming home for her birthday like I always had, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to anymore. When I purchased the tickets, I surprised her with a premium pass that allowed her to be on the floor with the other performers during the final act to dance alongside them, and it also comes with a Q&A meeting among other things too. She was really excited when she received everything, and her parents seemed excited too. However, her parents called me a few days later once I went back to my dorm, and their stance was different from the night she received it. They said that they weren't allowing her to go and pointed to the olympics as the reason why, and they blamed me for buying the tickets and said I "should've known better".
They pointed to how Simone Biles withdrew and said that she was "teaching girls to be soft" and compared it to participation trophies that are "supposed to make you feel good about mediocrity". They also said that Simone was "getting a pass because everyone who's black currently is", and they said it was the "same as George Floyd" because people "overlooked his criminal past to push the BLM message". They also said that "society is encouraging you to be a victim by praising her for withdrawing", and they even said that Serena Williams got a "pass for her meltdowns because she's black" and even called her a "bad role-model". They also said that the phrase mental health is "being thrown around like the girls who claim Me Too" because they think that the victims are at fault, and talking to them was like talking to a brick wall no matter what I refuted. For future context, mom's black and dad is hispanic
I was not aware of their stance on Simone until they called, but I knew their stance on BLM and even talked to my sister in the past about how it was wrong during 2020 especially. I just didn't expect them to rope their rant about Simone into it, and they said I wasn't allowed to see her anymore because I "should've known better" before purchasing the tickets. My sister also hasn't answered her phone since I spoke to them, and I fully believe that they are responsible for it. I just need advice on how to fix this situation because I feel like they're serious about not letting me see her anymore, and I'm open to anything to fix this situation
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwramalo/comments/qdp68i/im20_purchased_my_sisterf13_tickets_to_the_team/): March 21st, 2022
As of writing, I'm currently on a break from school to focus more on work, but I plan to go back soon to finish my bachelors. I also haven't been able to see my sister since my last update where my parents said they didn't want me around her anymore, and that included taking her to church too. I was really hard on myself for giving the tickets because I felt it ruined everything we had, but I've since found a therapist who's been really helpful, and she is the reason I'm updating. I was very sheltered growing up because of homeschooling, but talking to her has really been eye-opening too
My therapist helped me realize my mistake in going back to church in high school for the reasons that I did; the breakup with my high school ex that had me really down, and because I felt guilty for my parents being strict on my sister as a result of me getting a girlfriend. I convinced myself that I could make her life easier by returning to church and getting to drive her (to youth) that gave us time to talk in the car away from my parents (about many of their harmful views), but my therapist said that my parents never eased up; they simply dangled privileges because their love was conditional and based on church. She also said that they were a ticking time bomb because their end goal was probably to get me to return to church more than just Wednesday Bible study, but me buying the tickets was probably their last straw
She said that my parent's treatment of my sister was not my fault, but solely theirs because I was in high school and that I felt the need to take it on myself. I'm trying to do better while continuing with my therapist, and we established that I'll no longer keep any communication with my parents. In regards to my sister, she said she could probably find ways to reach me if she truly wanted to someday (from friends who know me or when she gets her own devices someday). My therapist also told me not to beat myself up because until meeting her, I barely had any outside opinions that could give advice (I knew people at my job in high school, but we weren't close except for my ex, and I was introverted in college too). She also said that religious people can be really conditional in their love and especially in the case of really religious parents, and talking to her has taught me so much that I never knew from being homeschooled. I believe I'll hear from her again someday, but my therapist is suggesting working on myself at the moment and trying to be stable enough to be able to give her a place one day potentially since my parents won't let her work, and that's pretty much my only goal right now | 4,574 | 2023-08-25T19:08:11 | I(m20) purchased my sister(f13) tickets to Simone Biles's "Gold Over America" tour for her birthday, but my mom punished her for wanting to go | INCONCLUSIVE | MadisonBrave | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16185s9/im20_purchased_my_sisterf13_tickets_to_simone/ | false | false | [
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161nmcy | This is a new update on a story I have shared here previously.
Originally posted by u/negativeastronaut974 in r/AmItheAsshole on Aug 1, '23 updated on Aug 8, '23 and Aug 16, '23. A 3rd Update was posted on Aug 19, '23 and will be below the 🔴🔴🔴
**[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15fugio/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_wont_be_opening/)**
Aug 1, '23
**AITA for telling my wife that I won’t be opening the door for her creepy friend?**
My (M41) wife, Becky (F39), is planning on traveling abroad to visit her sister and her family in the next few days. She'll be gone for the next 2 and a half weeks. Over the past year, my wife has become very good friends with our neighbour, Emily (F37), who lives a few houses down.
Long story short, Emily makes me feel uncomfortable, and I think she's trying to make a move on me. At first, I thought she was joking, and I didn't think much of her behavior, but now it only makes me feel uncomfortable.
Earlier today, Becky told me that she chatted with Emily and mentioned how she'd be going overseas for a few weeks. She said that Emily offered to come by and drop off some food for us (myself and our eleven-year-old daughter, Alice) from time to time.
Becky was reluctant to agree, but after Emily insisted, she finally agreed. I was surprised that she'd agree to this without consulting me first, so I told her that it made me uncomfortable. Becky said that "Emily means well" and it would be rude if we were to refuse now. I said okay, but that she shouldn't be surprised if Alice and I "forget" to open the door every time Emily comes knocking.
Becky said that I was being a jerk to someone offering us kindness.
AITA?
UPDATE - Early this morning, I spoke to Becky about my concerns regarding Emily's behavior. She said that Emily doesn't have any ulterior motives and only means well. She also brought up how Emily has her own husband and always tells Becky how great he is. For some more context, Emily is married, but her husband isn't home too much as he works in the military.
When I asked if she could tell Emily that we don't need food deliveries, she said it would be awkward to mention it right before her trip and how it would only be once or twice a week. Another thing Becky mentioned that has only increased my uneasiness is that Emily had given her a spare house key "just in case of emergencies or anything like that."
For those wondering, my wife is leaving a few hours past midnight tonight.
Context - For clarification regarding the key. Emily gave my wife her own house key, but doesn't have the key to our home.
Some more context: For those wondering what Emily does, I can tell you that she does a lot of unnecessary physical contact, like hugging me whenever she sees me, which didn’t bother me the first few times but increasingly makes me feel uneasy. Not only that, but she has made very suggestive comments in the past. I would also add that the way she dresses and her body language when she comes to our house seems to be a bit flirtatious.
*In the comments:*
>Have you ever communicated your issues with Emily to your wife?
OP: I have once before (about a month ago). She didn't think much of it, all she really said was something along the lines of "that's how she is, but I don't she means any of it"
>But it’ll make for very awkward moments if you don’t answer and she knows your home
OP: This is why its such a pain, I really wish my wife didn't tell her about our plans. I guess my daughter and I will just happen to be "out" most days
>Becky is blessedly naive. Trust your instincts. Never open that door.
OP: She is very naive and sometimes just too nice. But yup, once she goes I'll be telling my daughter not to open the door either
>Record her secretly if you can this way if she does make a move you can show your wife
OP: Our house has a few cameras on the outside, so there's that
.
Based on the past few months, I'm fairly certain she's trying a move based on how's she been acting and what she has said. Maybe she is only trying to be nice and I'm overthinking. Nonetheless, the whole situation makes me uncomfortable
.
Off the top of my head, I can tell you that she is does a lot of unnecessary physical contact, makes very suggestive comments, and the way she dresses when she comes to our house when I'm home also makes me a bit uncomfortable.
*Judgment: Not the A-hole*
**[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeAstronaut974/comments/15lhppu/update_aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_wont_be/)**
Aug 8, '23
I would like to thank everyone who responded to my first post; I really appreciated your insights and support. I’ve taken the advice suggested multiple times in the comments and have installed a doorbell camera the day after my wife had left home.
Fortunately, nothing had really happened so far, so I didn't really see much of a need for an update until recently. Without further ado, here is the update.
For the past few days, things have been pretty quiet. I’ve been enjoying spending quality time with my daughter, Alice. She attends a summer day camp during my working hours, but we’ve been spending every evening (and the past weekend) together watching movies, going on walks, playing video games, etc. My wife, Becky, had planned on teaching Alice how to cook this summer, but since that is yet to occur, I’ve taken the opportunity. I think Alice is a natural; she picks up instructions quickly, and we’ve been having a lot of fun.
The day before yesterday, our neighbor, Emily, came to drop off some food as she had told Becky she would. I did open the door as I decided to just accept once (to be polite), but I let her know that she didn’t need to worry herself with any other deliveries as my daughter and I would be cooking.
She was acting normally, until the very end where she said something along the lines of “If there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.” She said it in a very flirtatious tone. I thanked her and told her that I appreciated the gesture but reiterated that we would be able to manage on our own. She then said, “Well, if you ever crave anything else, just let me know. Just think of it as a substitute for Becky.” This made me feel a little a bit uncomfortable, mainly because of the tone she said it in.
The next morning (yesterday), Alice and I were rushing to get to camp and work. Emily popped out from nowhere and started telling me how her driveway was being resurfaced, and she needed somewhere to put her car for the next few days. She asked if she could place it on our driveway, and I agreed (as Alice and I were in a rush, and because she dropped off food the previous night). As I was driving away, I was mentally kicking myself, as now she’d have a reason to hang around our house.
Later that day, I was home doing some chores in our garage when Emily pulled up in her car, mentioning again how her driveway was being resurfaced. I could see that it was indeed the case.
We had a bit of small talk, but at some point, she went into a tirade about her husband. She shared how she sometimes felt unappreciated by him sometimes and how they don’t get to spend time together. I didn’t say too much during this; only that I felt sorry she felt that way.
I glanced at my phone and then pretended that Alice was texting me to come pick her up (it was close enough to her time anyway). I said goodbye and locked up my house. Yesterday evening was largely uneventful, and I’m looking forward to spending some more time with my kid.
*In the comments:*
>Good thing you installed that doorbell camera. Was it able to record what Emily said to you? What gross behavior from Emily. “I’m unhappy in my marriage so let me try and squeeze my way into someone else’s.”
OP: The audio quality isn't perfect, but thankfully it did record what she said.
I feel that she's just trying to make me sympathize with her. Whenever he's here, her husband seems like a nice enough guy. That being said, I guess I don't know what happens behind closed doors.
>I hope you show your wife the footage of her making a pass at you!
OP: Absolutely, I plan on showing it to her once she's back from her trip
🔴🔴🔴🔴
[2nd Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeAstronaut974/comments/15sn30z/update_2_aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_wont_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)
Aug 16, '23
**UPDATE 2 - AITA for telling my wife that I won’t be opening the door for her creepy friend?**
I wanted to give a quick update on what’s been happening since my last post. Becky will be back in a few days (Friday night), and I didn’t want to disrupt her trip or make her worry, so I’ve spared her most of the Emily details until she arrives.
From speaking with Becky, however, I have learned that her sister does not like Emily at all. Becky told me that she was pretty upset about the arrangement and that she thinks Becky is overly trusting.
Aside from that, things have been largely quiet this week. Emily’s driveway has been completed, so she has taken her car back. I haven’t seen much of her since then.
🔴🔴🔴
[3rd Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/NegativeAstronaut974/comments/15vua9m/update_3_aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_wont_be/)
Aug 19, '23 - After the wife's return
**UPDATE 3 - AITA for telling my wife that I won’t be opening the door for her creepy friend?**
Hey everyone, it's been a pretty wild 24 hours. I'll give a quick recap of what's been happening.
Since Becky was coming home last night, Alice and I spent most of the day tidying up. In the late afternoon, I decided to mow our lawn as it was about time to do so. In the past, I have occasionally mowed Emily's lawn, shovelled her driveway, etc. I do this because her husband has done this for us before, so I’ve always thought that this was just paying them back (Becky has also asked me to do this a few times in the past). However, because of what’s been going on, I figured it would not be a good idea and I purposely mowed our lawn when her car was away so that I could return to my house discreetly.
After putting away our mower, I saw Emily's car pull into her driveway. Just as I was about to go inside, she called out to me. She asked when Becky would be back. I told her that Becky's flight was scheduled to arrive tonight, and she seemed happy about that.
It was a humid day, and I was sweating a bit. She mentioned that I looked hot (may not have meant it that way, but with her, I never know) and suggested that Alice and I should drop by for drinks. I thanked her for the offer but explained that I couldn't, and the conversation mostly ended there.
Becky arrived home last night (a few hours after midnight) and was very exhausted from her flight. After I brought her some food, we were only able to talk a bit about her trip before she went to bed. I planned on discussing Emily and showing her the video the next day once she had rested, but she was still asleep in the morning, and I had to run errands.
This is where things got complicated. After finishing my errands, I went home to spend time with Becky (and tell her about the video). When I got home, Alice had already gone out with her friends, so it was just Becky and me.
Becky seemed upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me that after waking up, she received a text from Emily welcoming her back and inviting her over. Becky agreed and went to Emily's house. She noticed that Emily's living room was messier than usual, but what bothered her more was a pair of men's exercise shorts on the sofa. They looked identical to a pair I had. I say "had" because those shorts went missing about a month ago. There was also what Becky thought was a condom wrapper on the floor next to it.
During their conversation, Emily talked a lot about how kind I've been to her and how much we talked while Becky was away. Emily even suggested that Becky should have extended her stay at her sister's so she could continue looking after Alice and me.
At that point, Becky excused herself and went home, she mentioned that she felt overwhelmed and almost sick. She told me that she came home panicking about what Emily might have meant, so she spoke with her sister. Her sister called BS on Emily's claims, as everything seemed too conveniently placed, which calmed Becky down a bit.
After sharing all this with me, she asked about my contact with Emily during her absence. I told her about the food, the car, and the conversation from the previous day. Then I showed her the video. Becky was stunned and said that Emily was blatantly trying to flirt with me. After watching it, she said she felt sick about all her interactions with her.
The main issue still bothering us is the shorts. I had an identical pair that went missing. We're unsure if the shorts Becky saw are mine or if Emily bought the same pair for her little stunt. As I mentioned before, Emily has been to our house, so it's not impossible for her to have taken them. However, we lack proof of this. Considering how Emily gave my wife her own house key before she left, it all seems very well thought out. Also, we’re increasingly starting to suspect that her husband may be ok with what she’s been doing.
Becky plans to return the key in the next few days.
*In the comments*
>I'm actually afraid of your wife's safety
OP: Yes, at this point I am most concerned for my wife and daughter. I'm pretty doubtful that Emily will try anything drastic, and think she'll continue her current strategy and just hope for different results.
My wife has also made it clear that she doesn't want to go back to her house.
Yeah, she definitely doesn't seem to be in her right mind. We'll be exercising extra caution from here on out
.
>I find the shorts thing really weird.... she's making it look like you went over there with shorts on and left in your underwear?
OP: My wife and I came to this same realization to and laughed about it just visualizing how ridiculous that would look. It did break some of the tension.
For all of Emily's scheming, it was a pretty funny oversight.
.
So far nothing else seems to be missing, but as we go on with our daily lives maybe will notice something missing.
We currently have a cat, and I'll gauge my wife's opinion on getting a dog. If my daughter heard, I'm sure she'd love the idea.
.
>Why do you think the husband agrees with that whole situation?
OP: We don't have concrete evidence for this and are currently only assuming. Our thoughts are based on a conversation that I heard him having in the past.
The first was during a neighbourhood barbecue about 5 months ago, where I did overhear him making a pretty graphic description of Emily to another one of our neighbours. When neighbour started making suggestive comments, he didn't seem to mind at all.
To me (and my wife) at least, it did not seem like an appropriate way to talk about one's spouse to a stranger
.
>Has your wife apologised for dismissing your concerns before she left for her trip?
OP: Yes, she has admitted that she should have taken my concerns more seriously. Aside from that, she is still pretty disturbed by what she saw
.
Yeah, the doorbell camera has really proven its worth, and in addition to the cameras we already had, every angle outside our house is covered.
*Flairing this concluded as the wife is home, now believes her husband, and it seems they plan to distance themselves from the neighbor*
**Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.** | 10,198 | 2023-08-26T06:47:00 | AITA for telling my wife that I won’t be opening the door for her creepy friend? NEW Update | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/161nmcy/aita_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_wont_be_opening/ | false | false | [
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161xxej | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/HariSeldon1517
**Need some help to solve a weather related problem for my son with ASD.**
**Originally posted to** r/weather
**the first 3 posts were originally posted to r/bestofpositiveupdates** [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/bestofpositiveupdates/comments/15rds8m/need_some_help_to_solve_a_weather_related_problem/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/weather/comments/15dodz4/need_some_help_to_solve_a_weather_related_problem/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 30, 2023**
So I have a 5 year old son with ASD, and he is heavily fixated with the rain animation that shows on the iPad weather app. Keep in mind it had to be rain, not "drizzle". He doesn't understand yet the connection between the weather app and the real world. He gets very upset when he can't get it to "rain" in the app, and I have to check the weather map to figure out where it's raining right now and set the app to that place. But it's very cumbersome to keep doing it constantly.
I figured if I could somehow strategically curate a list of cities that when combined it would almost always be raining in at least one of them and I add them to the app, he could easily switch between them without my help.
Any ideas of what cities I could combine to achieve this? Or would it have to be an extremely large list of cities?
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/weather/comments/15mhkff/update_on_my_5yo_boy_with_autism_who_was_fixated/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 9, 2023**
A few days ago I posted regarding my son who has autism and wanted to have rain all the time on the weather app on his Ipad. I asked some help on figuring out cities to have so that he always has some rain (and not just drizzle) available, and got some good replies.
I wanted to let you know that since then he has developed an interest in all kinds of weather. He keeps asking me for rain, drizzle, snow, thunderstorm, cloudy, windy, etc. Sometimes he adds the word "moon" before the weather he wants, so that means he wants to see the weather at night. For example: "moon snow", "moon rain", etc. The only exception to this is for clear weather, in which case he says "sunny" for clear daytime weather and "clear" for clear nighttime weather.
Since it's quite unpredictable what weather he will want at any given point, I just keep adding places that match what he is asking at the moment. The most tricky weather patterns so far are:
• Thunderstorm: The precipitation map only shows where precipitation is high or low, so finding thunderstorms can be tricky.
• Specific levels of cloudiness/rain: He sometimes asks me for "partly cloudy" or "mostly cloudy", "heavy rain" or other specific levels of these. It's just trial and error until I find what he wants.
• Drizzle: The precipitation maps aren't very precise, so areas with low precipitation sometimes have "rain", making the "drizzle" difficult to find.
• Snow: As it's currently summer in the northern hemisphere, and the southern hemisphere doesn't have as many snowy areas as the North during winter, I often end up selecting points in the middle of the southern seas with high precipitation to find some snow.
It's fun getting to see the weather patterns all over the world, but it can be tiresome, especially when I'm trying to focus on a task or something and he keeps changing what he wants to see. I just hope that by observing how I do it, he will eventually figure out how to find the weather he wants by himself.
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/weather/comments/15pkfo1/another_brief_update_on_my_5yo_son_with_asd_who/) **Aug 12, 2023**
I just thought you would find this cute. His obsession with the weather has now translated from the iPad app to the real world.
Today as we were in the car (and his tablet at home ) he started to tell me: "dad, it's mostly cloudy! Dad, I want the moon snow!" I explained to him as best as I could, with age appropriate words, that we cannot switch the weather in real life like we do in the app (by switching places) and that day and night happen on a regular timeframe that cannot be changed. He didn't get upset so hopefully he understood, but due to his limited communication I can't know for sure.
Right now there's a thunderstorm going on in our town, and he started jumping with excitement on the couch saying: "mom! Dad! There's a thunderstorm!".
Now I cannot wait to see how he reacts when we get the first snow of the year in a few months.
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/weather/comments/15ulyut/yet_another_update_about_my_5yo_with_asd_who_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 18, 2023**
As some of you suggested in a previous post, I got him a multi-band radio that can tune in to the NOAA broadcasts. He didn't seem to care much for it. It seems that his obsession for the weather is more visual than anything. In fact, he just recently told me "I want thunderstorm video" which basically meant that he wanted to see a real thunderstorm on Youtube instead of the animated thunderstorms that the Ipad weather app shows. He seems really interested in "flashy" weather like storms, snow, blizzards, etc, but the monotonous audio of the weather station did not catch his interest.
Now on to his 8yo sister. She also has ASD and limited speech. She likes to copy everything her little brother does, so she started using the weather app too. She is not as invested in it as him (yet) so she doesn't spend as much time on it. But when she does, she always looks for sunny weather. She does not seem to be very interested in storms like her brother. In fact, the other day she was upset because she couldn't remove the "cloudy weather" from her app. Basically she couldn't because that was the current location and it is always there. The only way to "remove" it was to deny the location permission to the weather app. The real-life weather also started to affect her. Since last week, every time it gets cloudy she gets upset and starts telling me: "where is the sun?", "I lost my sun" or "I want the sun". I keep explaining to her that the sun is behind the clouds and that she will see it as soon as the clouds clear.
So while the little boy seems to be obsessed with weather and especially flashy storms, his older sister prefers the tranquility of sunny days.
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 2,547 | 2023-08-26T15:17:54 | Need some help to solve a weather related problem for my son with ASD. | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/161xxej/need_some_help_to_solve_a_weather_related_problem/ | false | false | [
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161y5zk | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Icy_Cable_3267 in r/amiwrong.**
trigger warnings: >!infidelity!<
---
[**Am I wrong for throwing my husband out after finding nudes from the nanny?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/am_i_wrong_for_throwing_my_husband_out_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - June 17, 2023
I’m new to Reddit but my little sister suggested I ask here. I’m 28F, my daughter is Cassie 11months & my husband is Alex 35. So basically it’s just what the title says. I had Cassie and then returned to work (psychologist) as I could never be a SAHM. I’m actually French but live in the US. So when I returned at the 4month mark, as I had a difficult birth, we looked around to find a nanny to look after Cassie whilst myself and Alex were at work.
We saw a few girls but then one of Alex’s colleagues suggested his daughter who had dropped out of college. Let’s call her Liv 20f. Everything went well, admittedly I did notice her being quite attached to Cassie but I brushed it off as a good friendship between the two. She also liked Alex, it was obvious she had a crush on him, always batting her lashes and giggling. I actually found it amusing as I’m confident in myself. He always laughed it off with me too. But then on Thursday night, he asked me to do something on his phone whilst he bathed Cassie and I saw some pictures flash up from Liv. When I looked at them they were obviously sexy nudes, she was wearing skimpy lingerie and in provocative poses. I looked back at the history and she had been sending these for a while.
As far as I can see Alex has never responded but obviously texts can be deleted. When I asked him he got defensive and told me to stop using my psychiatrist tricks on him 🙄. I was not happy with his non answers and it ended up in a shouting match waking Cassie. So I got him a bag and threw him out. Told him he’s not welcome back until I have answers. I’m considering taking Cassie back home to see my family in France for a little bit. His mother and friends have been blowing up my phone saying I’m being too harsh and they were harmless texts. Nevertheless I feel disrespected and that doesn’t fly with me. Was I too harsh? Should I except his claims that he never responded?
Edit: not husband, fiance! Also I'm not taking Cassie to France. We will visit my family for a few weeks and Alex has given consent.
I’ve posted a new update.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/joh8a8g/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
The very first time she did that he should have showed it to you, and the two of you should have discussed what to do which should have included terminating her employment at your nanny.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/joh8pjk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Believe me. I've sent scathing messages of dismissal to her and her father.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/joh6wxh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
You’re not wrong. He went behind your back by not telling you about the nudes. I would not allow Liv to babysit anymore, it’s honestly weird that someone her age would try to seduce your husband who is 35 years old, and even weirder that your husband didn’t say anything about it. There’s clearly something going on between them, and I would force him to admit the truth to you. It doesn’t even matter if he responded to her pics or not, he still broke your trust by not informing you about it.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/joh8mhq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you. Yes I'm suspicious. We have a camera in Cassies nursery so I'm going to look over the footage
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/johadx9/?utm_source=share&utmmedium=web2x&context=3)
There's nothing harmless in that behavior. You have been betrayed. That he tolerated it is enough. Where were the texts telling her he was a Married man in love, A Father, Her Dad's friend and that this was her last two weeks? Why did he immediately jump to accusing you of "tricks"?? I would've fired the Nanny, told hubs friend exactly why. And then watched his reactions. You are not wrong. I'm sorry you husband cheated on you by continuing to accept these pictures. I'm sorry he allowed that person access to your home and your whole family.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/joi7xwn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you. Yes I've fired her with immediate effect and her father has been texted
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/jojexsu/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
You are not wrong this is horrible. He should have told you with the first photo and the nanny should have been fired. I absolutely think there is more going on here which is why he was gaslighting you. You said her father is your husbands colleague, well I would be reaching out to him letting him know and then firing her.
I find it hard to believe that he never responded why not mention it to you then. I would not be ok with this situation at all.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14bsre1/comment/jojfe6a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>I messaged her father earlier and I meant to update saying that he replied confused but disappointed. He apologized a lot and said he will talk to his wife about what to do next. But that's their issue
[**Am I wrong for throwing my husband out after finding nudes from the nanny? (Update)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/am_i_wrong_for_throwing_my_husband_out_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - June 18, 2023
I’d like to start this off addressing the comments stating I’m ‘kidnapping’ my daughter. I’m taking her with me to visit my family back home in France for a few weeks. Her father has given his consent. It is a non issue. There was also confusion about my job, I work in the psychology field and I was just using this post as a sounding board really. The responses from his friends and mother made me question myself.
As stated I informed Livs father of what happened. He was furious both with Alex and Liv. He apologised to me and said he will try to get the truth from her and that she rebels any chance she gets but this was disgusting.
I then looked through the camera in my daughter’s nursery and I saw a clip of Liv asking if she wanted a sister or brother from ‘miss Livy’ and daddy. That made me feel sick to my stomach. She responded to her dismissal with denials but I told her I had the footage and that she was to never lay a hand on my baby again. But if she wanted Alex so bad she could have him. I reminded her that how you get them is how you lose them and he would soon tire of a 20 something college drop out kid.
Alex returned to the house temporarily for us to talk. After me showing him the camera footage and texts from Liv he broke down and said he was really sorry. He admitted that whilst nothing had physically happened between them they had been exchanging photos and messages for a month or two. He showed me the original messages and it was her who had pursued him. She started by saying she felt like a school girl around him (🤮) and said she needed advice from a important man like him and sent a photo of her in lingerie asking if it was sexy. He started out not really responding but after a few texts he responded and it started from there. She was saying things about them being a happy family together but he never responded to those texts. He begged me to forgive him and start fresh. He said we can move and that we have plenty of money. He will do whatever I want. I told him what I want is to go home for a few weeks so that what I’m doing. Cassie and I are flying tomorrow. He honestly looks so pathetic right now. They are welcome to each other. There will be no wedding and I will be consulting with a custody lawyer once I get to France to see my options both in the US and internationally. But as someone in the comments said I stayed in the US not because I think it’s a good place to live but because that’s where Alex was based and wanted to build our family. However I will always support the daughter father relationship but he cannot have our daughter and his nanny. Now that’s not happening I would like to move home and most certainly away from the slutty nanny. I am NOT LOOKING FOR CUSTODY ADVICE.
Mini update from Liv father: he has found and sent me some of the deleted messages. Liv talks about wanting me ‘out of the picture’ so she can be cassies mom. Wtf
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jomup7o/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
She really was 100% delusional, OP. And, Alex fed into it.. Do you trust his judgment for the kind of people he would bring around your child? Especially once he starts dating again? Are you sure your daughter will remain his priority while she is solely in his care?
I know it is never ideal, but please don't completely dismiss you having full custody. If moving back home to France is what's best for you and her, he can travel & bend his life to accommodate hers. If he doesn't, you have your answer.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jomx1fk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you. Yes that is a worry I have. I will probably go to France but I will try to sort things out for him to still see her.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/joqs11s/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Many people are foolish. Don't listen to them. What kind of father would he be for your daughter if you had equal custody? He obviously cannot be trusted and that is the worst kind of father for a girl or a boy to have. Case in point is his behaviour with a 20 year old nanny. He didn't shut her delusional behaviour down and he allowed her to send him nude photos and to have this young, deranged woman state she wanted you out of the way, without calling her out or cutting their relationship off. Seek legal advice in France. I would hope that there, those circumstances should make it fairly easy for you to get full custody, as long as you allow some kind of every two weeks visitation for him, which he likely wouldn't use anyway. Best of luck!
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/joqvqtp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>I will still support him to have a relationship with our daughter. But he’s not a priority anymore
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jomgwci/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
As if the affair itself was not bad enough, he was doing nothing do discourage the "slutty nanny's" delusion about having a happy family with Alex and Cassie. Gosh, was she going to turn into a bunny boiler and go after OP, too? How could Alex not see that he was entertaining the advances of a psycho?
I think you are making the safest and wisest choice to pursue full custody. He has not demonstrated that he can make sound decisions for his family. Please share your evidence of the nanny's delusions and Alex's entertaining of it with your custody attorney.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jomh3st/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you. That’s what I mean. He cannot have the nanny and our daughter. She is my priority and will be safer with my family
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jom8xk8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Lmao yeah, she was asking your child if it was cool if she got pregnant but she’s never slept with your fiancé…
He is SUCH a coward. Still denying. Has proven himself to be a terrible candidate for reconciliation.
Good on you for seeing them both as they are and for leaving him for you and your child’s sake. A lot of women would wait around until it happened again and again and again. Except he would just get better at hiding it.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jom9uqm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you. I won’t allow my daughter to think that’s a normal relationship
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jomai6g/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
From the nanny cam footage it sounds like she was positioning herself to baby trap him so he’s forced to provide for her. It was definitely on her mind to purposely get pregnant (a woman can tell a man she’s on birth control, that doesn’t always mean she actually is.. like in this situation).
I’d make sure him and especially her dad see that clip with specifically pointing out that that’s what it sounds like.
For him it was an exciting fling with a younger woman, I bet being baby trapped by her didn’t cross his mind. And if it still hasn’t crossed his mind , she still has a chance to… connecting her to you and your child’s lives forever through a sibling she brought into the world with the goal of being provided for for at the very least the next 18 years.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14cr8kd/comment/jomarlx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Yep. That’s why I think it’s better to move back to France. If he wants her he cannot have our daughter
[**Am I wrong for throwing out my husband after finding nudes from the nanny? (Update 2 from France).**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/am_i_wrong_for_throwing_out_my_husband_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - June 22, 2023
Hi guys. Thanks so much to all of you putting support and advice under my two posts. There are also some very obvious insecure incels in the comments claiming I’m kidnapping my daughter 😭 you’re giving my sister and I some great laughs.
Anyway for the update Cassie and I have been in France for two days now. It’s been so wonderful to be back with my family after missing them for so long. They’ve been doting on Cassie especially my mother and father, who even though are divorced remain very amicable for the sake of my sisters and I. Mama had a whole room set up with toys and blankets for Cassie. I’ve also been loving the wine and cheese! And gossiping with my sisters. It’s been very good to let loose after all of the stress honestly. And I’ve gotten to ride my family’s horse, and show him to Cassie finally!
Someone suggested I meet up with some old friends to go out and let loose so that’s exactly what I did last night. I had a great night meeting back up with some of my old university friends, we went out into the city, had some great food and wine and went dancing. There’s this one guy from our group who used to very flirty with me back in the day. Anyways one thing or another happened and we ended up going back to his place. It was good actually he listened to what I wanted and we were both very pleased at the end ;)
Cassies happy as am I. I meeting a lawyer today and my Ex has been ringing. I let him talk to Cassie whenever he wants but I’m refusing to engage whilst I’m on my break.
Edit: people need to calm down. I didn’t say I’d had sex with him 🙄. Since people seem to want details; we went back to his, talked about life and had a make out session. Although it doesn’t matter as I had kicked me ex to the curb already. Also Liv contacted me out of anger when Alex cut all contact with her to show that they had a one night stand a few weeks before I found out.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp4mb38/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Does your ex know that you know they slept together now? I am so proud of you and I wish more women were like you! If I was you I wld have been posting pics of my great night out. Fk your ex and that pos nanny knockoff
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp4pn1d/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Oh I think he does. I believe Livs dad had a ‘conversation’ with him
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp54iys/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Is there a way for you to just stay in France, as in live there?
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp54ovy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Hopefully once all the paperwork is done. I’ve promised to return to the US so I will
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp5gu1l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Thank you for the update. And. WOW. He had a one-night stand with this girl? Well that just goes to show his family that they were NOT "harmless texts". They were tempting texts; and he gave in; and he does NOT deserve a second chance "just because." And no. You do NOT owe anybody ANY explanations about whether you're banging someone else or not. Alex already left the relationship. He ended it when he chose a 20 year old girl. You have NO responsibility to him. As for the kidnapping bit? Not sure where people get off saying that? You two weren't married right?
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp5jgwk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you. No we weren’t and I don’t intend and keeping our daughter from him but he will have to put in some hard work for her custody now
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp485bm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I’m very glad that you and Cassie are doing much better. You deserve to live a stress free life. No POS fiancés and nanny’s allowed. How did he react to you dumping him? Have you heard anything new about Liv from her dad? That girl needs a reality check.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14g5e2f/comment/jp4c7la/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>He’s delusional 🙄 wanted to drive me to the airport. Didn’t get the message until I gave him the ring back. Liv dad has been great I feel bad for him
*OOP indicated she will be ending her relationship and wants to split custody of her child with her partner, but she also indicated that she had not yet met with a lawyer at the time of the most recent update. As such, we can reasonably expect that there may be another update because custody arrangements and other issues still remain unresolved, so this is being marked as ONGOING.*
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,981 | 2023-08-26T15:27:31 | Am I wrong for throwing my husband out after finding nudes from the nanny? | ONGOING | Ok-Donut3656 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/161y5zk/am_i_wrong_for_throwing_my_husband_out_after/ | false | false | [
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1621g7s | **The original poster is** u/Specific-Papaya3577 **on subreddit** r/AITAH
​
TW: >!Cheating!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/148h0bf/aitah_for_not_wanting_to_take_my_exhusbands_kids/) \- 13 June 2023
I (39F) have been divorced from my ex-husband (41M) for 9 years. We have 2 kids (12m, 9F). My husband got married to his new wife and they have 3 kids in total (9m, 5m, 5f). They are expecting a fourth one. Me and my ex share custody of our kids. But within these 9 years there has been a drastic change in our economic status. I got promotions and now earn near 6 figure. But my ex lost his job that caused his income to change and become low. His recent job pays slightly less than his previous one.
Here is the issue, since I can afford to buy a lot of things for my own kids, my ex and his wife doesn't like it. They say it is unfair to their own kids because they cannot afford to buy new things like I do. And all the children should have the same stuff. Last year I bought my son a laptop because he got the highest score in his exams. My ex didn't like it and told me that I am spoiling my kids and making them into an entitled brat. The issue arrived because his oldest with his wife 9m also wanted a laptop too. And for my ex their money is tight, he is the sole provider in their house and his wife is mostly a homemaker but works part time sometimes. However, it's not like I do this to show off. I do tell my kids to be humble about the things they got and not brag about them. I do buy gifts for my ex's kids on their birthdays and Christmas.
In August, me and my entire family has planned to go to Italy, it is supposed to be a family vacation. I will be taking my kids with me. They are excited too. My ex had no problem until he called me and asked if I could take his kids with me too. I was kind of shocked. He explained that they cannot afford to travel and his other kids were insisting that they go to holiday with us as well. They are sort of jealous of my kids for going to abroad on a holiday. I straight up told him no. I won't e taking responsibility for someone else's kid. Though I make a lot more money than he does I cannot afford the accommodation for 6 people. I told him his kids are none of my concern. After he hung up, I get messages from his wife calling me a cruel b!tch for ruining her kid's happiness and said "I hope you are happy making small children cry. God will be pushing a greedy witch like you."
My dad thinks I did the right thing. But my mom thinks I went too far and told me to not take my kids so that their half siblings don't hate them, my brother suggested that I pay half the price and let my ex pay the other half (which I know he will never listen). I rejected both the ideas. There is no way I would leave my kids for days to go on a holiday in another country. Was I really cruel? I know it is not the kid's fault, I understand their urge to go on holiday. But asking me to pay for additional 3 kids is too much.
Edit: Since people are asking, he did cheat on me when I was pregnant with my daughter. His new wife is indeed his mistress. I didn't mention it because I didn't think it was relevant to the story here.
​
*In the comments:*
>Oh but it is. This woman and your ex, after fucking each other behind your back are name calling you, berating you and demanding that you financially care for his affair baby and other kids. This is not OK. They are horrible people. I know it was 9 years ago, but that is not right.
OOP replies: I do not take care of his kids. I only pay for the stuff for my kids. I only buy them gifts only on Christmas and birthdays. As much as I dislike both of them, their kids are innocent. The least they deserve is birthday gifts.
>NTA. At all.
Frankly, I worry about your kids and how stepmom and dad might be treating them. Are they guilting your kids into “sharing?” Shaming them because you have more, and thus they do, too?
OOP replies: No, I strictly told them to not push my kids to share anything unless they want to. They have no authority over my kid's stuff. My ex hasn't done anything like that.
>The fact you buy gifts for his children from his affair is more than anyone should have to do. How dare he ask you to take his affair child and the reason your marriage ended on holiday! I’d tell the new wife next time she says you’re cruel for not taking them that home wrekers have their own place in hll so she should watch the stones she’s throwing in her glass house.
OOP replies: The irony is she is a Christian woman. She thinks if she "repents" enough God will forgive her sins. Also she is extra mad at me because I told her that she should have invested in some birth control rather than whining about having too much kids to feed.
**More on OOP and her kids from her comments:**
*"I have a college fund for my kids. I started it when I got pregnant with both of them. My ex does contribute in it a little as well. Even if he didn't I would still have enough by the time they become of age. Also, I buy them gifts because I want to. They have been calling me aunt eversince they learned how to speak. I am not that cruel that I will punish them for their dad's mistake. I do not but them expensive gifts either. Regardless of how their mom and dad are they are very good kids and well behaved."*
​
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/14csc6l/update_aitah_for_not_wanting_to_take_my/) \- 19 June 2023
I have no idea why reddit removed my last post. I even messaged the admins about it. I don't know why people will report it as spam. I also don't know if they will show my update or not. But I will post it on my personal account anyways.
So, yesterday, I went to my ex's house for picking up my kids. As I was there, his kids ran up to me and said that they are very excited to go to Italy with me. I am confused. I never mentioned the trip to them nor did I tell my kids I will taking their half siblings with me. I called my ex and his wife and asked them to explain this. His wife was avoiding eye contact. I demanded an answer from her. She said that she cannot break their kid's heart by telling them the truth. I swear to god, I was furious. I had enough of this entitled attitude. I yelled at her and told her she must have had screws loose inside her head if she thinks she can walk all over me. How dare she use her kids as weapon. If she wants break from baby sitting her own kids she should send them to her mom's house. I will not be a free baby sitter for her kids.
She did try to retaliate but I was talking all over her. I cannot believe this woman would stoop so low. I screams profanities at her. I was already having a bad day yesterday and her entitled karen behavior was the stray that broke camel's back. I told my ex to fix the mess his wife made otherwise I will take him to court. He tried to justify her intentions I told him that I will stop sending gifts to his children if he doesn't fix this. I had been nothing but polite to his wife knowing that she was the homewrecker that broke my home. But enough is enough. I am done being nice to them. His 3 kids are not coming with me that is final. I even explained this to my kids who were a little sad but understood.
Later that day at night my ex called and apologized. He was humiliated by his mother for this. He is a grown man asking his ex-wife to provide for things he should be providing for his kids. He also had a fight with his wife because he didn't know his wife lied to his kids. He said he only had good intentions because he wanted all his kids to enjoy equal privileges. I said the same thing one reddit commented that ours kids are not equal. It is unfair of him to push this equal privilege thing when our kids don't have the privilege of coming from a complete family because their father was a nasty cheater. At least his other kids gets a full time dad and a full house. They don't have to shift houses every week.
They don't have to go to therapy to understand why their lives are different. And all of this happened because he can't even be strong enough to keep his marital vows. He failed as a father to them and he failed as a husband to me. And not only that he had the audacity to blame me for the divorce. I told him if the roles were reversed and it was me who cheated and got pregnant with another man's baby would he accept me and the baby in his life? I still yet to get the answer. He just said he was sorry and hung up.
Sorry for venting, I have been having a really stressful day. I have yet to talk to my mom and brother about this issue. I can't wait to go to italy to drown myself in wine and stuff myself with real italian pasta and pizza. I may or may not update.
Edit: I think reddit hates me lol. I have no idea why it was flaired as fake.
​
*In the comments:*
>Good for you for standing your ground. The new wife has a lot of nerve to try guilt-tripping you into providing for her kids. Then again, a lack of moral compass is how she got herself into the situation in the first place.
OOP replied: I think so too. I never yell at people. I didn't even yell at my ex when I discovered he was cheating. I guess it takes one bad day haha.
​
**I am not OP. Marking as concluded because OP is firm about not wanting to take her ex's kids with her on a vacation** | 7,568 | 2023-08-26T17:39:37 | AITA for not wanting to take my ex-husband's kids on vacation? | CONCLUDED | ILikeYourMomAndSis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1621g7s/aita_for_not_wanting_to_take_my_exhusbands_kids/ | false | false | [
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1621y1f | Fun Fact To Cover Spoilers: There is an amusement part in Santa Claus, Indiana called "Holiday World" that is aptly themed. The park is themed with various holidays, though the attached water park is themed around a Safari. The park offers free sun screen and soft drinks for guests.
Content Warning: >!Violence, Harassment!<
Mood Spoilers:>! Incomplete, Bewildering!<
\-
[**my new psychopathic neighbor "Kevin"**](https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/1557kaw/my_new_psychopathic_neighbor_kevin/) **(Originally Posted July 20th, 2023)**
So, a new neighbor just moved in across the street and I already have plenty of stories.
now I know what you are expecting: just another story about how "the new neighbor is so loud!", or "he won't mow his lawn and it is lowering property values", and well... let's just say that I would slap my own grandmother across the face with a golf club to be complaining about something as simple as that right now because my neighbor is... you guessed it, a Kevin.
So, let's begin then.
It all started just after he moved in, he had just pulled into his driveway, and being the friendly guy that I am, I walked over to say hi. This was obviously unsatisfactory for Kevin who already seemed to be pissed off by my mere presence, but I decided to do the stupid thing and introduce myself anyway.
He was driving a very similar car to my own, so I asked him what year it was, he told me that it was a 2021, and I responded that I had a very similar car, it was just a year newer. He didn't say anything, but I could tell that he was pissed, so I complimented the color of his and went about my business.
The next morning at 7:30AM I am awakened by a loud screeching noise, and when I look out the window I am surprised to see none other than Kevin roll up in a beat to shit Honda civic which genuinely looks like he found it at the junkyard. It is literally the rustiest thing that I have ever seen, the windows are mostly shattered out, it makes a loud squealing noise as it drives, and every 20 feet it backfires and shoots smoke out of the exhaust. SHIT. That is all I can think as I crawl back into bed, and just as my head hits the pillow, Kevin starts SCREAMING. "Looky just what the fuck I found at the dealership Skregg!" (My name is Gregg, he just won't call me that) "It's even got fucking tires on it, which I'm sure that you're surprised to see that I can afford with your car being an entire fucking model year newer than \*my\* shitbox!" just then I hear the squealing get louder for a second, and then there is a loud crash as his car slams through the fence which used to go around his yard.
So you would think that he was drunk or something right? Wrong, at this point I am back at the window trying to figure out what the hell is happening, and I see Kevin get out of his car and walk all calm like (in a perfectly straight line mind you, so he isn't drunk) to his garage, where he disappears for about two seconds before reappearing with a sledge hammer, with which he proceeds to beat the ever living shit out of his shiny new shit-mobile, the entire time screaming things at the top of his lungs like "THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT NEED A FUCKING WINDSHIELD?! OH YEAH, THATS RIGHT... IT FUCKING DOESN'T!!!!" SMASH!!! "NEEDS SOME FUCKING BODY WORK DOESN'T IT?!" WHAM!!! "WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS DOOR HAVE A HANDLE ON IT?!... OH YEAH!!!" BOOM! "IT FUCKING DOESN'T!!!"
Yeah, what a lovely neighbor. And guess what, I already have about 10 more stories about him, and he has only been my neighbor for roughly a month. I hope that at least somebody can have a good laugh at what is currently my infuriating living situation.
\-
**Relevant Comments**
>I’m concerned for you.
OOP: thank you for your concern, but I don't know that there is any need to worry, so far he actually hasn't done anything illegal. He is just completely nuts, and fully committed to making my day to day life a living hell.
​
>I sure hope this guy doesn't own firearms.
OOP: while I do not believe that he owns firearms, he does have quite the affinity for large fireworks, of which he has plenty, but that is a story for another time.
\-
[**Merry Christmas of July everyone**](https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/159pkb8/merry_christmas_of_july_everyone/) **(Originally Posted July 25th, 2023)**
*Twas the day before Christmas when all through the town, were heard the screams of Kevin,*
*"PUT YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW!!!"*
*The neighbors all stared, oh what a shocking surprise, Christmas had come on the twenty fifth of July!*
*And while everyone watched in complete shock and aw,*
*Kevin set up all twenty billion Christmas lights that he'd gone out and bought.*
​
Hey guys, you may or may not have seen my last post about my crazy new neighbor and his wonderful antics, and well, it is time for an update on the situation.
So, as I mentioned in my last post, Kevin moved in about a month ago, and I already have quite the list of stories to tell. I was going to post something yesterday, but honestly, I really couldn't decide which story to tell. Worry not, Kevin decided to help me out in the most annoying way that he could possibly conjure up.
If you guessed Christmas in July, then you would be exactly right.
As I sat in front of the computer wondering whether I should tell the story of Kevin's amazing fourth of July show, or maybe the one about how he sank a giant telephone pole in the middle of his front yard for seemingly no reason, or possibly all of the latest and greatest modifications to his freshly sledge hammered shitbox car, there came a scream from outside.
The scream had originated from none other than Kevin himself. What was he screaming about? You guessed it, it was time for everyone in the neighborhood to put their Christmas lights up "RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW!!!"
Now, most of the time I know, and am willing to admit when I make mistakes. Let me tell you, going across the street to ask Kevin why in the world anyone would put Christmas lights up in July was definitely a mistake. Because why the hell would it being July mean that Kevin shouldn't put Christmas lights up? that simply doesn't make sense, at the end of the day the real question is what kind of jackass wouldn't put up Christmas lights in July? What makes the Christmas of July any different than the rest of the Christmases this year right?
And oh if it only ended there, but it didn't.
Not only did Kevin put up an amazing amount of lights, but he also put many ornaments in his front yard. But so what right? Afterall, it is Christmas, you should expect him to have both lights and ornaments... just not the kind that he had, and the normal person does not do to their ornaments what Kevin did to his.
Of course, there were a few standard ornaments in his lawn, for instance, he had a blow-up sleigh with all of Santa's reindeer pulling it, and a few blow-up snowmen, but along with all of his normal ornaments, he had also set out about 40 mannequins wearing Christmas hats and elf shoes. Strange right?
Now notice that I said he "had" these ornaments. Yes, that was meant to be in the past tense because, at 7:30AM this morning Kevin walked out into his yard, dressed like Santa, screaming his head off, wielding his beloved sledgehammer and a baseball bat, and he beat the ever-living shit out of each and every one of his ornaments, and then he ran them over several times with his lawnmower, the entire time screaming things like "Eat shit Santa!" and "I'm gonna bash your fucking skull in Rudolph!" or "you piece of shit mannequin, you can't hide from Kevin fucking Firecrotch!" ("Kevin" Firecrotch is the nickname which for some reason he has come up with for himself). And this whole time he blasted the song "Here comes Santa Claus" through a massive speaker which he had sitting on his front porch.
It was truly fantastic.
So, in honor of Kevin, I wish you all a merry Christmas.
If you want to hear more about Kevin, I'll list a few options and let you guys pick which story you want me to tell first.
1: Kevin's fourth of July
2: Kevin's WW2 reenactment. (from Germany's prospective)
3: Kevin's telephone pole
4: Kevin's amazing modifications to his junkyard civic.
\-
*Marked as ongoing as OOP said that they will update further with more stories about Kevin.*
​ | 2,177 | 2023-08-26T17:59:45 | OP Has A Horrible "Kevin" Neighbor | ONGOING | boru_posts | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1621y1f/op_has_a_horrible_kevin_neighbor/ | false | false | [
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1623v0b | TW: >!Invasion of Privacy!<
[New Update from Last Week's BORU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15tx7yy/airbnb_allowing_host_to_place_cameras_in_the_room/). To skip to the update, just go to 🔴🔴 and read ahead
Previous BORUs on the subject:
[**Airbnb Allowing host to place cameras in the room where I would be sleeping**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zqt49j/airbnb_allowing_host_to_place_cameras_in_the_room/) Dec 20, 2022
[**First Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10teee3/update_on_the_oop_taking_on_airbnb_for_letting_a/) Feb 04 2023
[**Second Update (by OOP)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11saoz0/new_update_from_court_in_ongoing_case_airbnb/) March 15 2023
If you're just looking for the story without the commentary, the Second Update has it all.
Reminder that OP is u/AtypicalCommonplace. I am not OP. I've tried to hyperlink all of the resources/links from the post as is.
Quick Summary of previous events: OOP is a woman and a lawyer. She stayed at an AirBnB in NYC in 2022. Upon completing the initial booking, the owner revealed the property had cameras monitoring the *inside* of the studio apartment. OOP sought to cancel and get refunded. Her other posts describe her attempts to receive the refund, suing AirBnB and taking them to arbitration and the process leading up to the arbitration itself over the course of several months in 2023.
**Previous Update:**
[**Case Closed (Airbnb, Cameras, Yadda Yadda Yadda)**](https://www.reddit.com/user/AtypicalCommonplace/comments/15np1c3/case_closed_airbnb_cameras_yadda_yadda_yadda/) Aug 10 2023
TLDR: Our hearing was held Aug 1st, the arbitrator has 30 days to decide. Arbitration turned out to be a pretty awful experience and I'm not very hopeful but still glad I fought!
[For the latest full case update you can go here -ish](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11saoz0/new_update_from_court_in_ongoing_case_airbnb/)
I've been writing this post in my head in the two seconds I have each day now that I've morphed from single woman to mom of two (I met a single dad on reddit - RIP R4R - and my life is now utterly changed and I'm happier and more exhausted than I have ever been!) but now that I am over a week out I figured I'd post an update for anywhere who is still here!
As noted above, our hearing was finally held on August 1st and lasted SIX (6!!!) hours so was pretty mentally and emotionally exhausting. I keep thinking of things I should have said (of course now after the fact) but the long and short of the argument I was trying to make was that, look, if Airbnb is basically saying that you CAN have a camera in a private space then it COULD record the bed and, um, that's bad (and reminder, [against Airbnb's policies](https://www.airbnb.com/help/article/3061)).
But because Airbnb conceded that they would pay me what I was promised on September 26th, 2022 (almost a year ago! fun!) the hearing itself got super bogged down into the weeds of whether I had PROOF that there was a camera (reminder, I didn't because the first customer service rep told me that the hosts' acknowledgment that there was one wasn't enough). Their contention from the start has been that the [Terms of Service](https://www.airbnb.com/help/article/2908) basically make you sign away all of your rights and even if the company itself erred they aren't liable for anything. Side note - have y'all watched "[Joan is Awful](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jY1ecibLYo)" because the whole ToS madness reminded me of that.
Of course, my whole issue here is that it SHOULDN'T take someone 12+ hours, months of time, and filing a case in arbitration to get what was promised to them, and which they relied on, from a corporation that obviously has the time and resources to squash me like a little bug. They also argued that while the terms of service SAY that cameras can't be "inside" what they REALLY mean is "inside and monitoring" so, if that is the case , why not just remove the "inside" piece from the ambiguous language? I continue to be baffled why they fought this so hard but I digress. Here's what I wrote regarding that in my opening argument,
When I began this case I was a single woman. I’m have a partner and am the mother to two small children. Truth be told, if this were to happen today, I wouldn’t have had the time or energy to spend a week of my vacation fighting customer service representatives, nor would I have had the ability to attempt to seek resolution or argue this matter in arbitration. I would have had to give up even though the law of promissory estoppel, as I will argue today, make it plainly clear that I was owed what I was promised.
Thus, should this case only result in my recouping of the $1,502.78, it, in effect, means that in order for a consumer to be able to effectively rely upon a promise made by a company, they must also be willing to jump through hours of time, months of effort, and eventually litigation in order to receive what was promised. The impact is a chilling effect - consumers are forced to choose between expending time and energy or simply “giving up.” What of consumers who don’t have the privilege of time? Where would their justice be?
I think what was most surprising to me, though perhaps it shouldn't be, was the way in which the lawyers tried to attack my character. Saying I was doing this for youtube views (did I bring up the fact that the youtube video has since been removed by myself? lol no) or for a "reddit following." They dug up reddit posts that I had made about this case in the heat of anger that I almost immediately realized were mean and unfair and so I took them down - but wayback is a thing and everything can be found and I guess they wanted to show that, yes, this case kind of turned me into an asshole at times. I kind of lost in in a tumbling bridge of sadness way at this point. We had already played recordings of me crying with customer service (embarrassing) and in order to "prove" that I was impacted by this I had to submit anxiety medications my doctor had prescribed me that I was then cross-examined on (double embarrassing), so I don't really get the point that was other than to try and kick me while I was down. Of course, I know the lawyers are only doing their jobs but I guess I felt sad that that is a job anyone would choose to do.
So - why am I still posting here, knowing that it could get me in trouble? Well, first I would argue to whoever is checking these posts that the hearing itself was never ordered to be confidential and I am not sharing anything deemed confidential but, more than that, I think that people have a right to know what they will be up against if they try and challenge a large corporation in arbitration which is meant to be a "fair and efficient hearing." Unfortunately, my experiences in arbitration didn't feel that way at all. I suppose I could delightfully be proven wrong but, sadly, the moral of the story here, to me, is that it isn't worth it. Which, you know, is what corporations WANT us to think and feel so we DO give up. When both arbitration rules and a company's own terms of service (23.3 here) say you are supposed to enter into good faith negotiations before moving forward, and when a company fails to enter into these in any way shape or form - I think the rule should just be that the consumer wins. Otherwise we are enabling a massive imbalance of power that will only lead to the further erosion of fairness and consumer rights.
But who cares what I think ;)
The one silver lining in all of this has been receiving more mental health support. As y'all know, part of what frustrated me so much about this was the very real knowledge I have those cameras in private areas can and will ultimately lead to victimization from already marginalized people. And I've begun talking to my therapist about [secondary PTSD](https://www.brainline.org/article/secondary-ptsd-or-secondary-traumatic-stress-should-not-be-underestimated) and am looking into talking to psychology students who may be interested in a dissertation specifically on how 2PTSD impacts lawyers representing survivors.
Oh, and, of course, had I never received as much support from reddit I may never have turned my dating life over to the wonders of the anonymous internet (I used a throwaway account for my R4R post) and [wouldn't now have this in my life.](https://imgur.com/gallery/LGRDtPI) (OP's note. The link is to an image of a child's hand or hands intertwined with that of two adults.)
So, in the end.....
* Audre Lorde was right, the master's tools cannot dismantle the master's house,
* Arbitration is not as pro se and consumer-friendly as it is made out to be
* If you're reading this airbnb, which I know you are, please please please please please please please don't allow cameras inside any private area. [The risk is, truly, too great.](https://osce.usmission.gov/taking-a-lesson-from-traffickers-harnessing-technology-to-further-the-anti-trafficking-movement/)
* But reddit remains a pretty cool place. Thanks y'all <3
🔴🔴🔴🔴
[**Airbnb Camera Arbitration Case Update: WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... thirty five dollars.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/AtypicalCommonplace/comments/15v6cab/airbnb_camera_arbitration_case_update_we/) August 19 2023
The day after I made my last post I woke up with a pit in my stomach and just had a feeling the decision was going to come out. And, low and behold, on August 7th, the arbitrator made their decision.
In short, Airbnb made a promise and they should keep that promise because I relied on it. So I am owed the money promised ($1502 in total - and yes, that is the actual number) - But it was my fault for not doing more research on the property before booking and I had no proof that there actually WAS a camera there was no deceptive language or material omission in the listing. And because I didn't lose money over this case (meaning I didn't like quit my job, though I have had to take on fewer clients in general) and I didn't have any out of pocket medical expenses, and because I agreed to the ToS which doesn't make airbnb liable anyways, I'm basically SOOL. And I wasn't going to try and push MAKING UP a fee I incurred just for the right thing to happen. The judge DID apply interest between Sept when I was told that I would get the refund and March when a "Selttlement" of that amount was made.
Reminder here, if I HADN'T brought this to arbitration then airbnb was just going to KEEP my money because I refused to stay at a place once they told me, AFTER I BOOKED, there were cameras INSIDE a PRIVATE BOOKING. AFTER I also relied on airbnb confirming it was not ok! And confirming I didn't need to go there to verify the camera was inside because the listing was enough!
It;s wild to me that the end result, given these very facts alone (that there was a promise made that I relied on and was reassured I could rely on - (y'all in the recordings I even ask exactly when I will get the refund due to a concern about my credit card balance since I'd need to go book at a hotel before airbnb reimbursed me) - that I wasn't awarded any compensation for being put through the ringer to actually GET THAT. It honestly blows my mind that because "all I lost was time" then that isn;t worth anything. And yet, the lawyers, the arbitrator, everyone but me is MAKING MONEY off of the fact that I have to work this hard to get the $1500. The arbitrator made more than I did in this case. The lawyers made more than I did in this case. Like, for that reason alone I am just......fuming.
But ADD TO THE FACT that this is about cameras! Not hidden cameras that airbnb doesn't know about. No. We are talking cameras inside spaces. And this is where I get even angrier. Because airbnb is making the MOST off of this because hey won't have to piss off hosts with cameras inside studios by making it explicit they can't have them. I literally cannot imagine any other reason why they still would not have clarified the policy to this day (even their own employees were confused as per our phone calls) - side note, reminder, I was on these phone calls so these were not confidential nor is this hearing- sorry I am paranoid they are going to try and sue me lol!) So that is what is getting at the root of what is eating me alive in this case. Because I wasn't given a fair shot at this,
For example, I was supposed to be afforded the right to discovery. I asked for, for example, notes about the creation of the policy itself. So that I could, you know, show there is a REASON this is against their policy!!
I asked for copies of internal emails sent about me so that I could, you know, show they knew about me trying to reach out and willfully didn't attempt a settlement in good faith which is, against their own terms of service (see pgh 23.3).
I asked for internal notes from the customer service reps to each other about my calls, etc. I asked for notes from a meeting I know incurred internally about my case because a friend of mine was at it. I asked for reasons behind why I was later told the unit was taken down two months after I reported it.
I won't get too into the weeds but, basically Airbnb objected to everything except recordings of my phone calls (which they had verbally agreed to at a previous hearing) but they did not submit their objections to the arbitrator on the due date of June 21. I asked literally half a dozen times where my discovery was, as there was no ruling to be made on an unfiled objection and I received nothing other than my recorded calls. I get no answer until mid July when I write an email demanding to receive discovery. The arbitrator only orders discovery on notes about the host. Airbnb asks for an extension and gets one after it is now weeks after discovery was due. I get only notes of the listing and call recordings with my host and airbnb and nothing internal. It is now july 22 and the hearing is on August 1t. I still have nothing internal from airbnb to prepare with and request a delay in hearing for arguments to be made on discovery. I bring up the fact California law outlines that discovery must at least 15 days before the hearing for full fairness. My request to delay was denied.
Instead we have a phone call where Airbnb basically says it would be too burdensome to have to look through emails with my name because airbnb has "6,000 employees" (I truly feel this was made for me to feel small.) They claimed they had no record of a meeting I know occurred because my friend was there but I wasn't willing to sell out my friend to "prove" it (the judge wanted to see the email I had - wasn't going to do that.) ANd on and on. And all my requests for discovery were denied and the hearing happened the next day. I was NOT prepared to move forward with basically nothing, but I did what I could with what I had. But I honestly couldn't believe that basically no discovery was allowed.
Anyways, this has already gotten incredibly way too long but I continue to think it's important to know just how wild arbitration is. Some folks called out in the BORU update that I am a lawyer and should have known that but I am one of those wild people who, while I have heard the most horrible stories from the depths of humanity, I still just have a fundamental belief that folks are going to do the right thing. There;s definitely an amount of white, cis, and socioeconomically hangin- in-there privilege there too, I know. But I just didn't actually believe I would wind up with......nothing. And I can't believe I had to fight it this hard to not end up in the negative and just end up.....neutral. And to see how little my time is worth in a court of law, how little anyone's would be. And you're, really, the only one with anything to lose.
It;s been a bit of a mindfuck.
But what REALLY REALLY REALLY kills me. Is that the decision didn't even get things right. There are things I could ARGUE with, yes, (they argue the camera could have been in the kitchen and there was a partition there and the photos I have showing only one door doesn't "prove" that was the door that was being talked about and thus I didn't KNOW it was in a room with a bed), sure. But there were fundamental basic things about the case that objectively were or were not true that the arbitrator gets wrong. Like the timeline in when I canceled the booking and what langauge was told to me after i booked v. before.
But there is NO right to appeal EVEN IF the arbitrator gets the facts wrong.
No y'all. I kid you not. This is real. If an arbitrator gets the law wrong, or gets the facts wrong, you're SOOL. It;s wild.
Something else that's wild?
One reason that you can, however, get a case booted from arbitration to court is if the arbitrator refuses to delay the hearing thus prejudicing the rights of either party. And guess what happened in this case....
Oh, and also, Airbnb's ToS 23.5 states that there's an exception to arbitration for public injunctions - here's how that reads:
You and Airbnb each agree that the following causes of action and/or claims for relief are exceptions to the Arbitration Agreement and will be brought in a judicial proceeding in a court of competent jurisdiction (as defined by Section 22):.....(iii) a request for the remedy of public injunctive relief; .........You and Airbnb agree that the remedy of public injunctive relief will proceed after the arbitration of all arbitrable claims, remedies, or causes of action, and will be stayed pending the outcome of the arbitration pursuant to section 3 of the Federal Arbitration Act.
So.....
What the heck do I do? I've contacted a few lawyers and keep getting the "that's a great argument, but it will be a heck of a fight" so, while I have a few willing to take this on on an hourly basis, none so far would do so on a contingency basis (meaning I wouldn't pay them they would just get a percentage of whatever I win monetarily.") And I don't have the money to do that and I do not have the personal energy to go it alone.
Truth be told, I am in a really solid place in life at the moment. Questioning a lot, as always, feeling stuck on my career and figuring out what is next, but in love and building a home and making a family feels fulfilling in ways I never imagined. And it's ok if I want to put down this weight as well. I have the hope that maybe I will find someone whose fire is lit by this. Maybe someone who does want to file a suit on contingency. Maybe someone is starting a class action so the US can be like Canada and realize the absurdity of forced arbitration clauses. Maybe a reporter wants to write about this so someone ELSE will be inspired to do something. But it's out of my hands at this point - other than my experience and passion I've not much else to offer so I'm passing the baton.
Thanks, all, for being on this wild ride with me and making me feel a little less alone when it felt like a whole lot of others were trying to make me feel pretty insignificant. And who knows... | 1,879 | 2023-08-26T19:13:56 | Airbnb allowing host to place cameras in the room where I would be sleeping | NEW UPDATE | boringhistoryfan | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1623v0b/airbnb_allowing_host_to_place_cameras_in_the_room/ | false | false | [
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1624nz3 | Fun Fact To Cover Spoilers: It is believed by some that the 52 playing cards in a standard deck were originally meant to represent the 52 weeks in a year. The red and blue color coding represent the day and night.
Content Warning: >!Cheating, Drug Use!<
Mood Spoilers: >!Positive For Kevin!<
\-
[**Not sure how Kevin lasted so long.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/bw6q2b/not_sure_how_kevin_lasted_so_long/) **(Originally Posted June 3rd, 2019)**
This is about a Kevin who I went to high school with. I didn't know him on a very personal level, but we were in the same friend group, so we saw each other quite often. Kevin . . . was an idiot. From 9th-11th grade, here are some of the things that occurred:
* We had pajama day at our school and Kevin showed up in boxers, with a hole in them, and barefoot. He was immediately sent home.
* Kevin believed hens birthed chicks and only laid eggs as some type of miscarriage.
* Kevin once found a snake in a field, stuck it in his bag, and thought it would be an amazing idea to show it to his biology teacher.
* Once in an English class, we had to give a PowerPoint presentation on someone from Greek mythology. It was a simple and small assignment that our teacher gave us for an easy A. Kevin did his PowerPoint on Hercules . . . based off of the Disney movie. He got somewhere around 50%. He later told a friend of ours that he didn't think it would matter, since it was supposed to be accurate.
* We shared American History together and once during an exam, a question was something like, "Was Thomas Jefferson an advocate against slavery?" Kevin wrote something along the lines of "Yes, because he was also black," and was confused why his answer was wrong because he thought Thomas Jefferson was black . . . because of the actor that portrayed him in Hamilton.
* Kevin got a job as a waiter at a local diner. One customer asked if they could have another straw because theirs got accidentally bent and wasn't sucking properly (y'all know what I mean) Kevin proceeded to pick up the customer's drink, drink it himself, to test it, set it back down, and gave them another straw. Kevin got fired shortly after.
* Kevin thought ISIS was a country in North Korea.
* Kevin thought Judaism no longer existed.
* Kevin decided to streak across the field during a football game, wearing a Halloween mask. The following Monday, Kevin went to the office to ask for his clothing back.
Kevin got expelled right after doing that. I haven't talked to him in a few years, but we're still friends on Facebook. He has gotten himself a girlfriend, who is very known for her heroin addiction, and is pregnant. God bless that child.
Edit: I just posted about some interesting news I've learned about Kevin's girlfriend's pregnancy.
\-
[**Kevin is not the father. I know it. You know it. Kevin doesn't get it. (Originally Posted June 8th, 2019)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/by4w2e/kevin_is_not_the_father_i_know_it_you_know_it/)
If y'all read my previous post on here, I had a high school friend who wasn't . . . the brightest crayon in the box. The story ended with him living with his heroin-addicted girlfriend, who's pregnant with his child. That's what I thought.
I haven't spoken much to Kevin since he had gotten expelled from school, and our relationship faded into only Facebook updates on each other's lives. The other day, I was speaking to a friend, who we'll call Sara, that still keeps in contact with Kevin. He got brought up in conversation, mostly laughing about the ridiculous things he did in school, and then I asked about what he was up to.
Now, here's something I didn't mention in my original post; back in high school, Kevin vowed himself to celibacy. He didn't want to have sex before marriage. Also, despite how strung out his current girlfriend is, the only drug Kevin ever used was marijuana. I didn't really think of mentioning it in my last post, because I figured he might've of changed his mind and had sex with his girlfriend.
Sara: You know the baby's not even his.
Me: Wait, seriously?
Sara: Yeah, he's a virgin.
Me: (confused because he posts on Facebook all the time of how happy he is about becoming a father) Does . . . does he know?
Sara: (shaking her head) Nope. He legitimately thinks he got her pregnant.
Sara let me have a moment, just to see the astonishment on my face.
She went on to tell me that when Kevin first told her his girlfriend was pregnant, she asked him when did he start having sex. Kevin said he never did, however, they do perform oral. Kevin believes that when his girlfriend . . . swallowed . . . it impregnated her with his child. Sara and a few others tried to explain to him that's not how it works, but he's either just lovestruck or just . . . Kevin.
There has been speculation that the true father is a guy who graduated a few years before us. He is black. Kevin is white. His girlfriend is white. She's about four months pregnant. I'll update you in a few months.
\-
*OOP Then Posts An Update Four Months Later On The Same Post*
Update: Wow, y'all really want the update, thankfully I have one. I wanted to make sure I got all my facts straight before writing this; Kevin and I have spoken a little bit but we're not as close as we were in school and he's a sweet guy so I wanted to word this so I'm not completely downgrading him. He's a very sweet person and I genuinely feel bad for him. Also, it's almost midnight and I have to get up in five so please excuse errors.
Okay, so before I give the results, I need to talk about what has happened over the past four months. Kevin's mom and my dad are extremely close and she told him that she was making Kevin take a paternity test when the baby is born (she wanted it during the pregnancy but Kevin's girlfriend refused) Finally Kevin did get suspicious by how hostile his girlfriend was being and they got a court order. At this point Kevin had kicked her out of his apartment until he could confirm the child was his and she moved in with some random guy (Kevin still provided her with money and rides) I don't know all the details involving the court or the paternity task (I didn't want to be invasive) but long story short, about a few weeks ago Kevin's now ex-girlfriend gave birth to a little baby girl. She was white, but Kevin is not the father. Kevin's mom told my dad who told me and other friends confirmed. I didn't want to intrude on Kevin since I know it was hard for him, but I told him I was sorry and tried to cheer him up a little. I don't know who the father is, I don't even think his ex-girlfriend does. The ex-girlfriend still claims Kevin is the father and is a deadbeat who doesn't want to be a good father. I and few others called her out on her numerous lied Facebook posts but was then blocked. Kevin's slowly pulling himself back together and I think he is doing a lot better.
He definitely feels like a dumbass but he's doing good. The other day we decided to FaceTime and he was trying to remove jammed toast from the toaster with a butter knife, so y'know, there's that. I stopped him from continuing to do it. | 8,861 | 2023-08-26T19:45:27 | Kevin is not the father. I know it. You know it. Kevin doesn't get it. | CONCLUDED | boru_posts | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1624nz3/kevin_is_not_the_father_i_know_it_you_know_it/ | false | false | [
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1626soh | Moods spoiler - >!Sad!<
Trigger waring- >!verbal abusive relationship!<
I am not OP
[AITA for not saying anything to my dad?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15tiaon/aita_for_not_saying_anything_to_my_dad/) \-August 17th 2023
I always see this on TikTok and want to be judged because I don't really know what to do because whatever choice I make, I still feel shitty.My (15m) parents have a really weird relationship compared to my friends and cousins parents. My mom doesn’t really talk, and my dad complains a lot. I will explain a day in my life so you get an understanding. I wake up, make myself breakfast, and stay in my room. My mom calls me for lunch, and I eat it. We don’t really talk during this time. Then my dad comes home in the evening, and 97% of the time he is in a bad mood. He normally insults my mom, calling her lazy and useless. Sometimes he throws the plate on the floor and makes my mom cook something else. My mom just looks at her plate and doesn’t say anything. Sometimes I want to play hero and speak up, but my dad decides to humble me and insult me, calling me worthless, and so on until I start crying (he won’t stop talking or getting in my face until he sees me crying; he could think of hurtful things to say for an hour; I think he sees it as a challenge sometimes because he always says you think you're going to win when I don’t start crying immediately), and I end up regretting saying anything. My mom doesn’t really react during this; she just looks at her plate. But for the most part, my mom is the one to receive my dad's anger; he only insults me when I get in his way, make eye contact, or say something he doesn’t like. It can be really hard to live with him because he switches moods really fast, so you can never guess what ticks him off. But most of the time he doesn’t really bother with me; I think the only time he shows interest in me is when we are at a family function.
My mom doesn’t talk to me either; sometimes she apologizes to me, but we never have conversations like, How was your day? For the most part, she is either cleaning or cooking. I think the only time we communicate is when she gives me my lunch box. She doesn’t even say anything when my dad decides to insult either one of us.
I always feel bad sitting at the table and hearing my dad insult my mom, but these days I don’t say anything because anytime I say something, I always wish I didn't, but anytime I don’t defend her, I feel even more shitty, especially since my friend said that if you watch someone be homophobic, then you're just as bad. So does not saying anything make me just as bad, or is it not my duty to say anything? My mom is like 30 or 40 something, so she can speak for herself.
Update - August 19 2023 (the update was included in the original post)
So I took your advice and told my grandparents and uncle (my uncle is cool, but I only told him because he was at my grandparents house), because I thought they would understand. So I showed them a recording of how my dad talked to my mom, like some suggested; it was just a voice note because I couldn’t find a way to record it. After telling them the situation and letting them hear the voice note, they kept asking me if I was sure and told me that he just had a bad day. I told them it was a normal occurrence, and they kept saying, Am I sure? Are you just angry at dad? etc. After insisting that insulting my mom was a regular occurrence, they told me they would talk to him. And that's when I realized how stupid I was. If my dad found out what I did, he was going to make my life a living, not just those little insults, and I was probably going to be his target in place of my mom. I thought my grandparents were going to give me and my mom a place to stay, not go and talk to my dad. They think I am mad at my dad and just want to run away. I ended up saying I was overreacting and was just being overprotective, and I begged them not to tell my dad. I have been so anxious ever since I told them. I have been praying that they keep their promise and don’t tell my dad. Thanks for the shitty advice and concern, but I think I'm just going to wait it out till I'm 18.
And I don’t think I'm going to call social services either because my dad calls me a few names once in awhile, plus I have done a little research and a lot of people say social services don’t actually care about children, and to be honest, I would rather be insulted every once in awhile than get a physical \*\*\*\*.
**Comments made by OOP**
"I have family, I have cousins, aunty& uncles and grandparents from my dad side. I don’t know any family from my mom side. But my dad is really nice around them. All my cousins say that he is the best uncle, he even get curious about my life durning functions that sometimes I forget how he really is. I don’t think anyone will believe me If I say anything else.""But my dad has never raised a hand on me and my mom. He has thrown things but he has never been physical."
"But I always hear that kids get abused in system."
"I really don’t know much about my mom, but she doesn’t have any friends and I have never heard her or my dad talk about any family she has had. I don’t even know her favorite color or age…."
**I am not OP** | 3,676 | 2023-08-26T21:10:33 | AITA for not saying anything to my dad? | INCONCLUSIVE | Ok-Silver7362 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1626soh/aita_for_not_saying_anything_to_my_dad/ | false | false | [
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162fylk | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Low-Produce-9949](https://www.reddit.com/user/Low-Produce-9949/). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole
**Trigger Warning:** >!allergic reactions!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!positive ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15pjld3/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_use_different/)**: August 12, 2023**
The main thrust of this post is, I am allergic to nuts and my girlfriends bodywash contains almond oil. It isn't life threatening for me to come in contact with it but it does cause hives. I asked my girlfriend (Jess) to change the body wash she uses as I am getting hives from residue of her body wash in the shower.
Jess was initially fine with it after a small back and forth but has since spoken to friends and believes that I am being too controlling, as do her friends. My friends are mostly neutral with a couple saying that I need to "nut up" and let her use whatever she wants.
A little bit of added context is that we recently decided we wanted to move in together and decided to do a "trial run" as Jess still lives with her parents and I rent my own place. So it's easy enough for her to move in with me for a few months to see if living together full time works for us.
It's never been a problem before now as I've never had a reaction from touching Jess after she uses it, but I am having a reaction from the residue that is left in the shower, usually on the removable shower head which I need to use to get clean because I'm a big dude and just leaving it up there doesn't reach everywhere.
Jess has always been aware of my allergies, she doesn't eat nuts if she knows we're going to do anything together and the few times when she has, she thoroughly brushes her teeth before seeing me.
***Relevant Comment:***
*How tf is that controlling?*
"I think that because it's not life threatening, they see it as unnecessary for her to have to change it. They think that me getting her to do so is controlling because it's not "needed"."
***OOP is resoundingly voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15wuzre/update_aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_use/)**: August 20, 2023 (6 days later)**
I know that I only responded to like one comment, but the amount that I received was honestly overwhelming. So, thank you to everyone who responded. I did read all of them. I thought I'd post this update to tell you guys what happened and explain a little bit of why I made the initial post. For those who were wondering about ages, I'm 21 and Jess is 25. My friends hover around my age and hers hover around her age.
I wish I could come back and say that I had seen my own value and got myself out of the relationship, but the truth is that Jess broke up with me two days after the post. I was still thinking, and she asked to meet up to discuss things. I went in hoping for the best but was met by her telling me that it wasn't working, and she didn't see a future for us where we're both happy. That hurt a lot.
I've spent the past few days sort of realising how stupid my original post here was, OF COURSE I'm not an asshole for not wanting to come into contact with something I'm allergic to.
I think a lot of you probably wondered why I even had to ask. The truth is that I felt like I was going crazy. I genuinely liked and respected her friends, I thought they were really smart. So, to be told that this was the opinion of my girlfriend as well as theirs made me take it very seriously. When I went to my friends and received no support or validation, I started to convince myself that I was wrong.
I also actually learned from the comments that continued exposure could worsen my reactions so that's handy to know now. | 5,713 | 2023-08-27T04:00:51 | AITA for asking my girlfriend to use different body wash | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/162fylk/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_use_different/ | false | false | [
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162fysg | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/No-Idea4550
**AITA for taking my agoraphobic son out of the house?**
**Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!controlling behavior!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14getlg/aita_for_taking_my_agoraphobic_son_out_of_the/) **June 22, 2023**
I have seen some people post some stories here so I decided to make an account and look for an outside perspective:
I(31F) have a son(15M) that I gave birth to at 16. It was a dumb mistake and it gave me a bunch of struggles but I don't regret it now.
My son is agoraphobc and only gets out of the house to go to school. He has been on summer break for the past week but he didn't go to school in his last week so he had been insiide for the past about 2 weeks.
I made a habbit that whenever I walk my dog I ask him if he wants to come and he has denied me for the past 2 weeks. He doesn't come most of the time but usualy does so about once a week.
Today when I was getting ready he came up to me and asked if he could come with us and of course I said yes.
On the other hand, my boyfriend(34M) has a big problem with this for whatever reason.
Sometimes my son get overstimulated and decides that he doesn't was to go a few minutes into our walk so we just cut it short and today was 1 of these days.
My boyfriend asked why we were back so early and I said that son didn't feel comfortable so we came back and he flipped out on me, saying that is my fault and that I told him to get out so much that he felt pressed to come with me when he clearly didn't want to.
I don't know what to think. I don't see what I did as wrong, I only asked if he wanted to come with me, never told him to. Did I do something wrong here?
EDIT: for the people asking/telling me to put my son in therapy: he is and has been for the past few months.
**VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE**
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Travelcat67**
>Info: is your son being treated for his agoraphobia?
**OOP replied**
>>Yes, he goes to a terapist about it and I'm also trying to get him more comfortable with coming out of the house by trying to take him with me.
*
**StAlvis**
INFO
What strategies has your son's psychologist advised for dealing with this disorder?
**OOP replied**
>>I had to ask him to make sure I get everything right bet here you go:
>>-going on walks and trying to make all of them a bit longer than the last one.
>>-breathing exercises to help with his panick attacks and learning how to control them.
>>-playing outside/ on the balcony(context: plays guitar and his room has a balcony).
>>Along a few other things that I don't know over the top of my head.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15wqx7z/aita_for_taking_my_agoraphobic_son_out_of_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 20, 2023**
Hello everyone, I will start off by thanking you for all the comments on my last post, due to some problems in the relationship with my boyfriend I sometimes had a hard time realising when I was in the wrong or when I didn't do anything bad, as for the case in my previous post.
I broke up with him over a month ago, partially thanks to the comments that made me pay more attention to him and realize how manipulative he was and a heated argument he had with my son while I was walking the dog. I could stand a lot from him and regret how many times I told myself to suck it up when he'd say something to me but always drew the line at my kid. It didn't happen before but it does not need to happen more than once for him to make a habit out of it so I put it to a stop as I felt like it was the safest way.
Regarding my son, he is doing good now and thanks to his therapist he has been getting better. He got his diagnosis in January and this Thursday he broke his record for our longest walk since, almost three hours. He also started getting out without me, thanks to one of his friends whom he met on a game about a year ago who recently moved to our city, I met him and his parents and they seem like amazing people so we did hand out at each other's houses since.
We do still have a lot to work on but I am happy to say that things are getting much better.
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Arcadia7235**
>Do you think it's a coincidence that your son is now progressing mentally now that the boyfriend is gone?
**OOP replied**
>>Personally I think is mostly terapy, as he was progressing even with my boyfriend around but I won't say is out of the quiestion. I didn't catch it before and and I asked him(both then and some time later) if he's sure it was the first time and he said yes.
>>Now truth is that they had arguments before but not anything very serious as far as I am aware yet the case for this post is a physical fight but I was not allowed to say it in the post due to the subs rules being zero violence and updates are checked by admins before being posted so I was told to remove it.
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 3,227 | 2023-08-27T04:01:06 | AITA for taking my agoraphobic son out of the house? | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/162fysg/aita_for_taking_my_agoraphobic_son_out_of_the/ | false | false | [
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162fzgu | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/pregnantthw](https://www.reddit.com/user/pregnantthw/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
I added paragraph spaces for clarity.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!hopefully hopeful!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vwnkc/aita_for_telling_my_husband_if_he_wants_someone/)**: August 19, 2023**
For context, I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant. My husband (29M) and I (30F) met in college, and have been together for 8 years, married for 2. Our relationship has always been solid, and progressive. My husband has never been much of a traditionalist despite growing up in a very stereotypical family (had 2 siblings and a stay at home mom, his dad worked).
Up until recently, we’ve agreed on nearly everything (save for small things) in our marriage and how to raise kids. However, 2 days ago, we were talking about baby stuff, and my husband started mentioning that he thought maybe one of us she stay home with the baby for awhile, and not go back to work after our maternity/paternity leave is over. We both work in tech, and make good money and have great benefits. I get 20 weeks of leave after the baby is born, he gets 12.
We were trying to decide if we should stagger our leave so someone could be home with the baby until 6 months, the age where most places near us will start daycare. My husband said that he read that it’s better for the baby to have a parent home for the first year. So I asked him (thinking nothing of it) if that’s really something he’d consider, since he might have to quit his job. He asked why he would have to quit, since I should “obviously” be the one to stay home with the baby. I asked him if he was serious and he said yes, the mom should be the one to stay home. I said how are we going to make that work on just his income?
For context, I make about 3 times what my husband does. It’s never been an issue and never mattered to me, I just finished my masters earlier than he did (we both have them) and went into a more specialized field. We both make good money, but it’s my job primarily that pays for the lifestyle we have. So I asked him what we were going to do for a year on 1/4 the income with a new baby. He got a little upset and said I “shouldn’t even bring that up” and that he makes good enough money to provide for us and I shouldn’t “question him”. I got mad, and said it wasn’t realistic and it was silly for the person who made more money to quit their job, especially since he’s the one who thinks someone should be with the baby extra time (I was fine with sending baby to daycare starting at 6 months).
The fight blew up from there, me saying he’s being sexist and not considering my feelings at all. I refused to back down and he ended up taking off after I said he should be the stay at home parent if he wants one so bad, and him saying he didn’t deserve to be emasculated just for suggesting I should stay home like a “good mom”. I talked to some of my family and his family about it and the answers are kind of split, so AITA for bringing up the pay disparity and telling him that unless he’s the one to stay home, baby is going to daycare?
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update (Same Post): August 20, 2023 (Next Day)**
Update: I was reading through a ton of comments last night and got really nervous, wondering if maybe I was wrong about my husband being progressive- a lot of people were asking why we didn’t talk about all this before we got pregnant and the thing is, we did! We had agreed on daycare (for the people suggesting a nanny, I’ve begun looking into it but they are a really difficult to find sometimes) because we both wanted to keep our jobs that we love.
My husband has been acting weird and quiet since we fought but this morning I finally sat him down and was basically like “what is going on, this doesn’t seem like you”. Some of the comments here got me thinking about what his family might be pressuring him to do, and so I asked about that and a ton of stuff came out.
He said he brought up the staggered leave to some people in his family at dinner a couple weeks ago (I wasn’t there) and a few of them thought someone should stay home longer, and his brother laughed and made some jokes about my husband being a housewife/ stay at home mom. His brother (35, divorced!) considers himself to be a “man’s man” and has a lot of sexist views, so he’s made jokes before about me being the “breadwinner”. So after hearing this my husband snapped a bit because some of his coworkers and his older brother have laid into him a bit about the fact that I make more money and have a better job title, calling him a “trophy husband” and other dumb stuff like that, and it made my husband feel insecure so he lashed out a bit at me and that’s why we fought. He’s admitted that he felt really bad about it which is why he’s kind of been avoiding me.
We have now agreed to looking into a counselor and more into a nanny service, and he has admitted that he doesn’t mind the idea of taking a few unpaid months to stay home, he’s just really worried about his brother and friends jokes. Thank you to everyone for helping me feel more confident to confront this, we are doing much better. | 10,892 | 2023-08-27T04:01:56 | AITA for telling my husband if he wants someone to stay home with our baby, he can do it? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/162fzgu/aita_for_telling_my_husband_if_he_wants_someone/ | false | false | [
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162fzy1 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/DiscussionAwkward291
**AITAH for wearing white dress on my birthday 2 weeks before BIL and his fiancé are getting married?**
**Originally posted to** r/AITAH
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity, miscarriage!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15vh902/aitah_for_wearing_white_dress_on_my_birthday_2/) **Aug 19, 2023**
I don’t know if I can include the dress but Thursday was my 40th birthday. I usually don’t celebrate birthdays, my husband just makes me dinner and give me a present and then my mom invites me for breakfast and gives me a present from the whole family. But when I turned 20 and 30 I had a bigger party and now too. I invited immediate family and my closest friends. The party was yesterday and it was a great day. I’m so hungover now. I noticed that BIL (husbands brother) and his fiancé were a bit standoffish but my soon to be SIL is always standoffish with me so nothing new.
Today my husband woke up to a long text message berating us because I wore a white dress. They’re getting married in 2 weeks and I should have known better. Tbh I swear on my grandma’s grave that I didn’t think about any of this.
SIL thinks that I alway wear inappropriate clothes that draws attention to me so now she’s demanding to see what I will be wearing at her wedding. I asked if they’re asking everyone. No just me. I said then I refuse.
Now they say I’m an AH for wearing white and them for refusing to show the dress I’m wearing to the wedding. Threatening to disinvite my husband and I. My husband is conflicted. I don’t know. I think I’d rather have my husband go alone than being treated like a child.
Am I the AH for wearing white to my party?
And
Am I the AH for refusing to show my dress for the wedding?
I will try to include the dresses
[my birthday dress](https://cocoandlola.com/products/sadie-split-knit-midi-dress-in-crystal?shpxid=0896fc27-0e4b-4280-b678-cc39d76cf9b2)
[the dress for the wedding](https://www.thereformation.com/products/johan-dress/1312829BLK.html)
Thanks
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Maximum-Staff5310**
>NTA, however, I think she may have a point that you should start asking for fashion advice to help with age appropriate clothing. In the future. And just ask her to go shopping with you to help pick out a dress. Just try to be a little more accounting of her body image issues.
**OOP replied**
>>FSIL is that you🤭 she too thought I should dress “age appropriate” whatever that means
>>😂 she’s 28 btw. teaching a woman 12 year her senior how to dress.
*
**Kilane**
>Maybe not an asshole for wearing the dress, but you are for behaving as you are now.
>Just tell them what you’ll wear to the wedding. This is a dumb hill to die on if it was truly unintentional.
**OOP replied**
>>It would be ok if all the guests had to submit their dresses. Not just me singled out.
>>My other SIL (husband’s sister) wants to go nuclear and tell the cousins to dress in mini dresses if the bride disinvited me or demanded to see my outfit or ask me to change. I told her I’d rather just not go instead of all this drama.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15w803x/update_on_my_situation_with_fsil_and_the_dress_im/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 20, 2023**
Ok, so I was very surprised about the amount of support I got! Thank you because I was starting to doubt myself.
I just want to make it clear that the only on I care about right now is my husband and his feelings because somehow I felt that he is in the middle of the crossfire right now. So I talked to him and apologized for my pettiness. He was surprised and said that I had nothing to apologize for. Requesting to only “approve” of my dress out of the 270 guests is insulting and disrespectful. You don’t do that to family.
So I told him that maybe I shouldn’t go to the wedding after all. SIL never liked me anyway and I’m sure I’m only invited because she can’t not to. She’d be happy if I didn’t attend (the whole thing felt like she was finding an excuse to disinvite me). My husband then can go and be there for his brother. Everbody wins.
My husband called my BIL to tell him that I couldn’t come and he will be attending by himself. BIL said ok cool. Problem solved right?
No. No
FSIL texted me saying that I “needed to show her the dress and refusing to show her means that she is right and I have chosen something inappropriate and trashy”. I texted back “Oh, I thought you’ve spoken to your fiancé, I won’t be attending”
She texted an hour later “Yes, I have spoken to my fiancé. If you remember from yesterday, none of you are welcome if you don’t show me the dress. So if you still refuse, neither you nor [my husband’s name] can attend”
I talked to my husband now and he literally had no words. He said to stop texting FSIL and that he will fix this. So I’m staying the hell out of this😅
Edit: there are a lot of confusion here about how we are related
Me: 40f
My husband: 40m
My BIL (my husband’s older brother): 46m
My FSIL (my husband’s older brother’s fiancé): 28f
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Afraid-Tea-5745**
>You should send her a pic of your dress worn by your husband. She is crazy. But also BIL should date women his age.
**OOP replied**
>>Lool!
>>BIL is another Gem. He cheated on his ex because she had several miscarriages and when he got caught he said it was because he was depressed for not having a family. They divorced. This was 3 years ago. Now his ex is pregnant with her new man (who is actually FSIL’s ex bf), and BIL is devastated she moved on faster than him so I think this whole marriage is to one up his ex tbh because she’s not married yet.
>>If course these are all speculation and gossip. I thought maybe you would appreciate some background story/gossip
**ughwhyusernames**
>>>So how did everyone involved meet? Just curious about that drama story.
**OOP replied**
>>>>BIL and his ex-wife were neighbors with FSIL and her then BF.
>>>>The BF suspected his gf was cheating and he found out who it was. He contacted ex-wife.
>>>>Apparently they’re dating now and expecting.
>>>>BIL and FSIL are getting married now.
>>>>I met my husband at my first job 15 years ago. Been married for 6 years ☺️
**ughwhyusernames**
>>>>>And was her BF also older? Or was the ex-wife also younger? Are they still neighbours, like they just swapped houses?
>>>>>You and your husband sound like lovely people. Congratulations to him on not being trashy like his brother.
**OOP replied**
>>>>>>Ex wife is younger than me maybe 36-37? Unfortunately she doesn’t speak to me at all because she didn’t want anything to do with the whole family.
>>>>>>Ex bf is probably 30-35 I don’t know.
>>>>>>No, when they got divorced BIL couldn’t afford buying ex-wife out of the house let alone live in it with only one income. So he bought a one bedroom. FSIL lived with her parents for a while until she moved in with BIL.
>>>>>>Ex wife also got her own place but now she moved in with her baby daddy in a house they bought together.
*
**Fancy-Meaning-8078**
>So ... You wore a white dress to a party celebration that is all about you?! The nerve of you ! As long as your hubby wore a matching shirt to be your arm candy on the event you two hosted I see no problem.
>The bride can wear what she wants to her party, this was Not her party.
>Congratulations on you big 40 you are now officially too old for this shit. Let that angst mentally teen bride & groom deal with themselves.
**OOP replied**
>>I literally told my husband this morning that I’m too old for this shit😂
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 5,503 | 2023-08-27T04:02:34 | AITAH for wearing white dress on my birthday 2 weeks before BIL and his fiancé are getting married? | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/162fzy1/aitah_for_wearing_white_dress_on_my_birthday_2/ | false | false | [
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162g2l1 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Alarming_Shift657
**AITA for being upset that wife schedules our intimate and romantic time together?**
**Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15vetv3/aita_for_being_upset_that_wife_schedules_our/) **Aug 19, 2023**
I (39m) have been with my wife (37f) for 15 years and married for 9 years. Together we have 2 kids (8m & 3f). So we both have very busy schedules because we both work. It has affected our intimacy and romantic life a lot. I noticed she has been ignoring us and our sex life was dead. There was no romance left. I addressed this issue with her. We sat down and had a talk about it. I explained my side of the story that I am feeling neglected in our marriage and we need to do something about it. She apologized and told me she has been really busy with work and doesn't have time. We talked and came to the conclusion that we will make time for each other more often. First thing that weirded me out was when she asked for my schedule.
After that talk things went back to normal. We got a sitter and went out on dates more often. We have sex more often. It used to be once a month or when I had this conversation with her we didn't have sex for 5 months straight. But we have been doing it 2-3 times a week now. She is way more spontaneous and initiates more. I do the same. This has been going on for 4 months. I am glad for it. So recently, I discovered something. I called in sick for work because I had a cold. My wife didn't take the day off because I told her I will be fine. I was around my wife's workstation to look for a pen. I noticed a planner on her desk. It was very detailed.
So basically she planned everything, right from when we have sex to when we should go out on dates. They were like "Tuesday, 10pm, have sex". It is as if she was describing her time with me as if it is another chore she has to do. She also made spreadsheets about how much time she spends with me, the kids, herself and her work. Moreover, she has a binder full of stuff about us. Like our favorite food, our birthdays, appointments, things we like and want etc. It just made me feel unworthy that we are not even important enough for her to remember those things from the top of her hat. I think if you love someone you should know almost everything about them without keeping a binder or reminder that you have to love them at a specific time. I get she wants to be organized but are we just a chore to her?
I asked my wife about it. She casually replied that she forgets things and easily distracted. Having binders and schedules or reminders help her remember important things. We had somewhat of an argument about it. My wife snapped and asked "why are you being childish? I am trying my best to keep romance alive. Do you want me to stop it?" She doesn't understand that it offends me that she has to remind herself to love us and make time for us. AITA?
Edit: Ok wow, I didn't realize I would get bombarded with so many replies within an hour. I get that I was an asshole. I know I did something dumb. I will log off now and apologize to my wife and make it up to her. And thanks to u/PsychAndDestroy for making me understand the subject of ADHD more and giving me all the links related to it. It will help me understand if my wife has ADHD or not and what can I do to help her. I appreciate all your replies. Thank you.
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**mishney**
>Yta. You asked your wife to make more time for intimacy with you and you're mad that she (checks notes) schedules time to be intimate with you? Wow. If you have very busy lives then of course some amount of planning needs to happen. Perhaps you should take more initiative if you don't like her style.
**OOP replied**
>>No, I do take initiative. We had talked about this. But if you love someone shouldn't you remember everything about them? It has dawned onto me that she has bought me presents in few days ago and that is something she had written in her binder. I mean I buy her presents too but I do not do it because it is a chore. I do it because I love her and want to show appreciation. It just makes me feel like I am not her husband, I am a chore or a work she needs to deal with.
**FreakingFae**
>>>Really? Cause to me it sounds like she is spread so thin physically and mentally that she has to write down everything or she will forget something essential, because to her it's all essential. I can only imagine how you would be talking to and about her, if she actually did forget.
**OOP replied**
>>>>No, I do not make her do everything. We have 50/50 on chores. I know a lot of you think I am some emotionally unavailable dad who doesn't care for his kids, but I do. I take them to school and extra curriculum activities, their doctor's appointment, etc. I sometimes take them out just so my wife can have the house to herself and vise versa.
*
**FreakingFae**
>I'm reading your post again and it's not like she is writing "hug child A at 4:42. Talk to child B at 5:38" she is making sure she can't forget. She is making sure regardless of how busy work has her, that everyone is being thought of. Do you know the household appointments without looking at them? Or is that all on her?
**OOP replied**
>>Like I said, she has everything scheduled in details. She literally has a separate section in my binder for sex. And goes onto details about everything she has to do like positions, timing, cuddles.
>>She told me she does schedule things she has to do with our kids in a separate binder. Everything she does has to be according to the binders and reminders.
**FreakingFae**
>>>You said that she says she has the memory of a goldfish. She can either write it down, or she can forget it. You can't rewire her brain, and I am sure she would prefer it if she didn't have to be meticulous. But the "solution" you want is something she is mentally not capable of doing. You may feel like a chore, but that doesn't actually mean you are one. What you aren't realizing, is that you are a priority to her and she is treating you as such. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have problem solved or wrote shit down.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15weds8/updateaita_for_being_upset_that_wife_schedules/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 20, 2023**
Yesterday, I posted about this and rightfully got a lot of backlash and name calling. And Geez you people are something. I only posted about an argument about us and all of you assumed I do not do anything around the house. I just sit on my couch and drink beer like Homer Simpsons or Peter Griffin from family guy. Not only that some of you assumed that I am an abuser to my wife and do not appreciate her. Tf is wrong with you guys? I truly believe that reddit is definitely not the best place for anyone to get advice because they just assume since I am a man, I am 100% an abuser and a cheater.
I did apologize to my wife for being such a jerk and snoping through her stuff. It wasn't a dry apology. I did buy her a gift. She is an artist and most of her art supplies are either old or damaged. She has been complaining that those got old and will replace them. So I got them for her. Someone suggested me that I should treat my wife with spa day. Well, I tried but the spa treatments are hella expensive in my area. Maybe once I save enough I will treat her with it. So, along with the apology, I asked her if she has been stressed at work or what can I do to make it better. She said she doesn't mind the schedule we have now. She even cleared my misconception about things being in her planner not being a chore. She says she sees it as something exciting. Whenever we have romantic times or sexy times, she always looks forward to it. We laughed about it and I even made a joke that she is like Amy Santiago and I doubt she has an entire binder full of sex stuff. She told me she used to when we dated because she was shy. That was fun to know. Maybe I will borrow that someday.
Also some of you were right, she does have ADHD. She told me that she hasn't told me that because she is unsure about it. Last week her therapist said that she might have ADHD or even OCD and she should get that checked out to know for sure. However we do not know that for sure but my wife thinks she has both because she yelled at one of the employees for not putting the files in a way she likes. She is also stressed because she has some upcoming projects of her own. So, thank you for those you who actually helped me with this and gave advice about it.
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,978 | 2023-08-27T04:06:04 | AITA for being upset that wife schedules our intimate and romantic time together? | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/162g2l1/aita_for_being_upset_that_wife_schedules_our/ | false | false | [
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1631sk2 | **I'm not OOP. OOP has deleted her account**, but thankfully u/Direct-Caterpillar77 saved the original text. Since no one has posted it and the updates here yet, I'm doing it
Tw: >!grooming accusations, assault, accusation of sending nudes to a minor, non-consensual pornography, and slut shaming!<
Mood spoilers: >!frustrating at first, hopeful people will get what they deserve and oop will learn!<
​
​
[Aita (f15) for outing my bf’s (m15) SIL (f30+) as a predator at their family barbecue?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15el1pa/aita_f15_for_outing_my_bfs_m15_sil_f30_as_a/) July 31, 2023
TW SA
Please forgive me. I’m not English speaker and I’m typing from my phone on a vacation with my family with bad internet connection. I have been crying my eyes out since Saturday. My bf won’t talk to me anymore and I don’t know what I have done wrong. All I wanted was to protect him.
I spent the weekend with my bf and his family. They have a beautiful lake house and they’re a very tight knit family. His half brother is way older than us (35+) and he is married to SIL. From the moment I saw her I felt something was very off since she was way too nice to my bf and me. Other than my gut feeling nobody seems to care and they all love her and think she is beautiful and she probably was when she was younger I don’t know.
Thursday night I caught my bf touching himself and he hastily switched off his phone. I thought cool I know he watched porn and did that but he was embarrassed and he apologized. Next night I caught him again but it wasn’t porn. It was a nude of SIL. He tried to deny it but I told him forget it I saw what I saw. He admitted it was her and that she sent it to him. I was disgusted and started crying but he begged me not to tell anyone and he would end it.
Next day we had bbq. That was Saturday. The SIL was as creepy and bubbly as ever and I lost it and started yelling that she was a predator and what she was doing. Everyone was shocked and my bf was shocked and angry but I didn’t relent because I know he is being taken advantage of so I shouted that I wasn’t lying and to look at their phones. My bf’s brother demanded to see bf’s phone because the SIL went inside crying. My bf didn’t look at me once and my bf’s dad told me that he was driving me home and he didn’t say anything the whole drive.
Now my bf is ghosting me. Was I the AH? How can he do this when I was protecting him? He was supposed to travel with me and my family but he didn’t show up at the airport. When I tried to contact him he deleted all his social media.
It made me think that maybe I went about it the wrong way but I think people like her should be made known if she was a man that would have been a different story so why am I being punished?
Update Aug 1, 2023 (update was an edit to the original post)
Hi, thank you everyone for the support. I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. Again I’m sorry if Im incoherent because I’m very sad and emotional. My bf refuses to speak to me and texted me a long message telling me he hates me and doesn’t want to speak to me again and to stop asking relatives and cousins about him. He wants me to apologize to his brother and the bitch SIL. I don’t know what to do because I don’t think I was in the wrong but he probably won’t talk to me again if I don’t apologize.
As I commented I talked to my bf’s cousin since he blocked me everywhere and deleted his social media accounts. The cousin was at the barbecue too and heard everything and she said that my bf’s mother attacked the SIL and kicked her in the head and now the SIL is at her parents place because she is mad at her husband and his family. I don’t understand why she sends nudes to her husband when they live together and why her husband doesn’t delete them or protect them. My bf usually always has low battery so he borrows his brother’s phone sometimes. The brother is 35 and he should have known better that his brother might see the pictures. So my bf sent the pictures to himself from his brothers phone. Around 10 pictures in total but I only ever saw two of them.
Anyway my bf and his mother are getting the heat and the mother is being accused of not liking her step son or his bitchy wife but I know that she’s a good mother and the SIL is the terrible one and my bf’s father said to my bf that he will kick him out if he gets back together with me and my bf is trying to apologize to his brother but his brother who is also not so good of a person is refusing to speak to him so my bf hates me now because he loves his brother and the SIL. I can’t stop crying honestly because I meant to protect him and now everyone is punishing me and I have lost my bf.
Im not be updating anymore because I’m really hurt and disappointed. I was happy yesterday to have the support yesterday and many asked me for an update but now you’re against me so this is the last update. I’m not sorry about what I did because I didn’t do anything wrong. Now my bf’s cousin says that my bf is probably never going to speak to me again because his brother kicked him out of the summer house and will not be paying his tuition to college like he promised to do so my bf is very distraught but he is blaming ME for it when his brother and the SIL THAT WERE RECKLESS WITH THEIR PRIVATE STUFF. I will not change my mind that the SIL IS A PATHETIC ATTENTION HOE for sending nudes when she’s fully aware that her 15yo BIL has access to all their devices. What a pathetic woman who should be acting her age instead of seeking validation with explicit pictures
I wont be answering any of you anymore (not read your abuse either.
Ciao
****
(In case it's not too clear: responses were initially defending oop, but with the update revealing bf stole the pics, as well as comments by oop still blaming SIL despite that, comments turned on her. Which is why the update is initially thanking people for the support but then complaining about changes in reactions)
*****
[Update: I have apologized to my bf’s SIL](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15g3oyl/update_i_have_apologized_to_my_bfs_sil/). Aug 2nd 2023
Thank you all for your advice. I know I was being a b yesterday but many of you contacted me and I’m grateful. My mom gave me a hard time too for being stubborn and not wanting to apologize. I’m just so hurt and heartbroken right now and felt that I wanted all the attention and pity. I wasn’t ready to feel bad for someone else.
I texted the SIL my apology. I told her that I shouldn’t have trusted my bf so blindly but I did and I was worried he was being abused without him knowing that because I know many abused teenagers only realize that when they’re older. She texted me back and thanked me and told me none was my fault and she wasn’t mad at me.
It is strange because I know for a fact that she’s staying with her parents atm so she’s definitely mad but she’s not my problem anymore.
As for my bf. I hope his future isn’t totally ruined. I know that his half brother is well off and promised to help him and his other sibling with college but I don’t know. What did the brother expect a mother to do when she hears her son is being abused by an adult? I feel she did the right thing with what she believed happened. The fact that my bf’s mom believed me without hesitation should be a sign that SIL and her touchy feely flirtatious ways aren’t going unnoticed by anyone. How my bf is always ALWAYS around her, following her like a little puppy and she likes the attention instead of thinking why a little boy insists on hanging with adults like her and her husband instead of his own peers (me, his sibling and cousins). She should have tried to push him away but she loves the attention she gets.
so my bf’s mom must’ve noticed that too and wasn’t happy about it. What my bf did was wrong but I don’t know if it is bad enough that his whole future is ruined for it. And I’m the one who ruined it. And that’s why he hates me. I love him still and I am so sorry for ruining his relationship with his brother who he loves and for ruining his future. I’m so so sorry.
Edit:
I forgot to add that the brother is also saying that he won’t pay the tuition for his little half sister either (my bf’s younger sister f14) so for those who wondered why I never liked the half brother or his wife. This is one of the things I have noticed about them. Being cruel and unfair. Even if it’s true and my bf’s mom never liked her step son and mistreated him (only rumors) the children are innocent in all of this.
**
Additional comment made by OOP in her last update, in response to someone calling her out on blaming SIL:
>I just wanted to explain why I believed my bf so easily and everyone else did too. And I wanted to explain how the half brother reacted by not only punishing my bf but even the rest of his family including his little half sister.
>My apology was sincere and I meant what I wrote to the SIL. I understand now that even bad people can be victims
Edit: more undeleted comments by oop:
>Why would my bf want to look at a 35 yo body? I don’t think he did it to be a creep just curious because I honestly don’t see the appeal
>I’m just telling it like it is. A 35yo’s body is absolutely nothing compared to a 15-20.
>FACTS! Or we wouldn’t see all these rich men drooling over 20 year olds and leaving their old hags
>I never get along with girls anyway because they’re always drama and jealous like when I got my bf they all hated me because I got his attention and other boys. I get along with guys because they’re chill and aren’t intimidated
>My bf did apologize and is still apologizing to his brother and sil and he is remorseful even though he didn’t really do anything wrong since he’s just a kid and the pic were up for grabs. Yet he still apologized because although he is 15 he is still the bigger person. It is his douche of a brother that is still angry and kicked him the dad and his step mom out
>His brother is an evil man too he is threatening to kick them out of the summer house and now I don’t even know about the college tuition he promised to pay his little brother. He should have deleted the photos since he knows that his little brother has his passcode and uses his devices
******
Tldr:
oop finds nudes of her SIL on her bf's phone. Sil is 30+, they're 15. Oop believes it when bf says SIL sent those to him
During family BBQ, OOP screams that SIL is a predator. She is sent home. Later she finds out her bf's mom assaulted the SIL
Then it's revealed bf actually stole the nudes from his brother's phone
Bf doesnt want to speak to oop. Brother and wife don't want to speak to bf, family is fighting. OOP still blames sil despite being the victim
She later apologizes to SIL, and hears the bf's brother is cutting out her ex bf and others over this. Despite the apology, oop still thinks sil is a bad person and the brother shouldn't be punishing people | 4,117 | 2023-08-27T20:56:04 | Oop accuses her SIL of being a predator during a family barbecue | CONCLUDED | LiraelNix | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1631sk2/oop_accuses_her_sil_of_being_a_predator_during_a/ | false | false | [
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1632x6s | I am not the OP of this post. The OOP is u/throwrausedfinances, and I want to give credit to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for picking up the first update and sharing it here. OOP added another update on August 20th. When I asked further permission to post here, I also asked OOP for the age of Jason, and she said that **Jason is 16** and that she forgot to clarify in her posts
Trigger Warning: >!homophobia, online slander, child pornography accusations !<
**May 8th, 2023**: [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13tmz3j/myf23_fianc%C3%A9sm25_graduation_party_for_his_masters/)
We met in college and decided to not get married until we graduated to focus on our studies, and we have been dating for four years. He proposed to me during his last semester of his master's program, and he is studying to become a teacher. I graduated with my bachelors not too long ago, but his graduation party is showing a side of him that I believe to be a dealbreaker. His graduation party will be held at his father's who has a pretty big backyard, and many of the people from our wedding will be going. However, unlike our wedding invitation list, he said he didn't want to invite Jason (fake name) and his parents because he recently came out as gay, and that led to a conversation
Jason and his parents were invited to our wedding, so that made me ask why he didn't want them at the graduation. He said that the wedding was an "us thing" and that he was "willing to compromise because it was our wedding". But when it came to the graduation, he said it was a "him thing because he was the one who graduated", so he didn't have to compromise "because he did the (school) work". When I asked what he meant by compromise, he said he'd tolerate Jason at our wedding because "that's what couples do", but the graduation was about him. When I asked if he'd support potential future children that came out, he said he'd "tolerate it for me" although he "disagreed with it"
It is my fault for not asking that question earlier before we became engaged, but he made his stance clear. He said he'd be more distant to a child that turned out to be gay and would probably "let me do more of the parenting if so". He's always been a gentleman and amazing to me, but he grew up religious (parents were Christians) although he's said he's not anymore. I don't think we have a future after he said he would distance himself from a child who came out and leave it to me, and I just want to ask how to tell him so. I'm thinking another conversation like we had, but I want to ask for the best way to go about it. What would be the best way to tell him that I don't think we have a future together given his stance?
**Update** \- [rareddit recovered June 11, 2023](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/147c1z7/update_myf23_fianc%C3%A9sm25_graduation_party_for_his/)
A lot of people suggested talking to my fiancé in an open space or my parent's home about my dealbreaker, but I wasn't able to do my parents home although I got to talk to them and they agreed with my reasonings. They said they were disturbed by how easily he admitted he would distance himself from a potentially gay child and that it was a good thing it came out before the wedding. I also got a lot of people calling me out for not broaching the topic of gay children or how he felt about LGBTQ in the years we dated, and that's on me for never thinking to bring up. Going forward, it will be something I ask early on before getting emotionally invested in a relationship
Because I couldn't speak to him at my parent's place, we ended up talking at a place we went for lunch, and I told him that I couldn't go forward in the relationship because he repeatedly said he wouldn't accept any children who came out. But when I said that, he didn't try to take it back and said that he was willing to "compromise" for me. He said it was better than "pretending" to agree with coming out and that he was being honest, but I told him I was done because of his beliefs, and he didn't take it well. He took it fine at the restaurant and finished lunch without saying much else, and he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise. My parents have been helping me with cancelling the wedding, but he took his spite online
He made a Facebook rant a few days after that doubled down on a lot of the things he said, and he said he made it to explain his side of things. He said that I was breaking up with him despite him honest about his willingness to compromise and "not hiding it like many couples internalize things". He also said our country was "changing things that was always wrong" such as gay rights, and he said that people were "trying to shove gay rights down everyone's throats". He also said that you "can't say anything these days because of cancel culture and MeToo catering to sensitive people", and he said that the value of education was dropping because people were "becoming more stupid". He also said that that was why he wanted to become a teacher because there "weren't enough good ones", and those were just a few of the things in his rant. He also said that MeToo "enabled people from the consequences of their behavior" when they should instead "look at themselves in the mirror and how they dressed" too. He never said anything about MeToo during the duration of our relationship or anything that outspoken about gay rights until his graduation planning, and it was honestly surprising to read what he wrote. As I said above, I will be asking these questions at the start of dating going forward
Lastly, some people suggested reporting my ex-fiancé to the school in my previous post because they said he could be harmful to gay students, and I especially agree after the post he made. I did receive a lot of hateful DMs from people who agreed with my ex and said that I'd be wrong to contact the school. Some even accused me of considering "cancelling" him in DMs and a few comments on my last post, but I don't see it as that. I see calling the school as something that's important because this mindset is harmful to so many, and he is already a substitute teacher at an elementary school (he began subbing before he graduated). I want to ask what would be the best way to go about it; whether that would be an email, phone call, or potential visit to do it in-person. I have already screenshotted the post he made, and I've only answered questions about the breakup from people who have called so far. My parents are helping me with some people who have called them too, but that is my last question about this situation, and I really appreciate everyone who commented advice on my first post
**August 20th, 2023**: [New Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrausedfinances/comments/15wkn9p/last_update_myf23_fianc%C3%A9sm25_graduation_party_for/)
I didn't really plan to make another post, but I received a lot more DMs after my update was shared in r/BestofRedditorUpdates that made me wanna come back, and I read through many of the comments there too which made me wanna address something. To those who called me out for not seeing any signs of his homophobia earlier; you're absolutory right. I just assumed the best and never thought to question it, but I will now ask the tough questions going forward at the beginning of future relationships such as political stances along with opinions on race and gender, and that should help prevent time from being wasted on people similar to my ex. I just assumed the best because we have another friend who is trans and was always cool with him, and my ex used to like the posts that he made when he came out some years back. He also liked a post that he shared at a pride walk, so there was that too. Going forward, I won't assume anymore because at the end of the day, a like really doesn't mean anything
I sent an email with an attachment of his now-deleted Facebook rant to a few places; the school he subs at/was subbing at before he graduated, and the school district along with the county office of education where we live thanks to advice provided by a commenter who I DM'd for more advice. I also told people I knew about why we were breaking up and showed them the post, and that did most of the talking for me. I broke up with my ex before contacting the school, and I decided on a text because we didn't live together and also had my dad return the ring to his parent's home where he gave it to his mom and had minimum interaction. I was too scared/cowardly to do it myself, so I took them on their offer to drop it off for me. In the text, I told him that I couldn't marry him due to his homophobia comments and opinion along with telling him that my parents would drop off the ring so that it was in writing, and I blocked him after sending. He didn't have any belongings at my place, but he's been livid about the way I handled it, and I'll admit that I was afraid to do it face to face because I was a coward, but he took to Facebook again
He made another post talking about how dad returned the ring instead of me and that I didn't give him "credit" for being honest about his willingness to compromise and proceeded to "ghost" him, pretty much erasing the purpose of his deleted post by referring to the same points. I'll admit that I was cowardly about how I handled it, but what really surprised me was when his dad took to Facebook about it too, and he accused me of "cancelling him" for an opinion he shared along with saying that "communication in marriage is dead". He called me "retar\_ed" in his post and that "people like me was the reason Trump lost" because "no one had morals". He also said that Trump "needed to win again to stop cancel culture" because his son was "punished" for his opinion. I want to remind you that my ex was not religious despite his parents being big Christians, but I'm guessing he vented to them about it and is back involved in some way given the post
The last thing I'll say is this, and I kept it to the end because I'm not looking for advice as I'm only taking it from a lawyer on this matter that my parents have helped me contact. My ex called my job and apparently told them that I had CP and that that was why he left, and I don't know where he pulled that out of his ass from. I don't know if he was talked to about the emails I sent to the district involving his post, but my dad seems to think that it might be retaliation although he's not sure because it's only been a few weeks. He thinks it could be retaliation for my letter to the district or for ghosting him, but we're looking into a lawyer as I was recently made aware of the accusation at my job when I was talked to, and that is where my focus lies. I'm not going to make any future posts because I've still received a lot of hateful DMs telling me that I was wrong to report him to the school, but I stand with my decision to do so. I really appreciate the advice I received and hope that at the least, telling the school will have done some good. Someone also suggested looking into LGBTQ things to support and give energy to, and I'll look into that once I'm past this job situation
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Relevant Comments:
(u/whatidoidobc)
"To anyone else struggling with a similar situation - this is how you do it. If we expect to see any progress, it's necessary for there to be consequences for these people. We can't give them credibility by staying with them or being their friends. They want to make life miserable for people they are wrong about. Take their power away from them"
(u/Semper454)
"Great that you learned this lesson now. In the future, really feels like there must have been some red flags that were missed. Or, some conversations (not even just the gay thing) that you think would have naturally come up – his outlook on the world, generally – that would have brought this all to light sooner. Whatever the things are he did that made you think he was “a gentleman” ought to have far less value in evaluating a relationship than practical conversations about whether or not your values align" | 7,807 | 2023-08-27T21:38:22 | (New Update) My(f23) fiancé's(m25) graduation party for his master's might be my deal breaker | NEW UPDATE | throwra2982 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1632x6s/new_update_myf23_fiancésm25_graduation_party_for/ | false | false | [
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1635lgu | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/\_Dont_Quote_Me\_ in r/badroommates.**
trigger warnings: >!hypochondria, chronic illness, roommate issues, abusive behavior!<
---
[**My roommate is a "Sick girl" and it's driving me nuts**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/my_roommate_is_a_sick_girl_and_its_driving_me_nuts/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - November 14, 2019
My roommate is constantly 'sick'. Like, always sick... She hasn't gone a week without something going 'wrong'.
She has 'chronic lyme'. So she often needs to take 2+ hr showers. She needs to take up 75% of the shelving space for her herbs, herbal medicine and teas. I've walked into the apartment before, all of the lights off with her sobbing in a towel on the sofa claiming all of her joints feel like they're on fire... and her ashwaganda and Turmeric tea isn't helping (Yes, this is an actual thing she said). She refuses to take medicine for it, or will only take half an advil.
She has asthma. So when it's too hot, she needs to stay home. But when it's too cold, she needs to stay home. She can't have strong scents - but she has no problem burning sage and burning the most heavily purfumed candles.
She has 'non-diabetic hypoglycemia.' So she goes 'hypo' every once in a while. She went hypo.... 4 times when I first moved in. She'd call me, weak as a kitten, begging me to drop everything to come rescue her. I stopped after the third time and told her I'd let her die on the street next time if she can't practice self-care... well... wouldn't you know it... she hasn't had an episode in ages. Oh, but she also needs to eat at 3am, because she'll 'sleep too long, go hypo in her sleep and die,' so she 'needs to eat just before I go to bed!' so she's often cooking until 2-3am, then eating. Except she'll then sleep until 1-2pm on the weekends, or whenever she's 'too sick to go to work.' She also claims she needs to eat a TON in order to maintain weight, which is why she cooks so much. She throws out about 2/3rds of her food every week...
She has a formerly torn rotator cuff. It was about 15 years ago... And god forbid you forget it.
She gets ovarian cysts... Probably true. It's happened four - five times since I've known her. She'll beg me to take her to the ER. A Tylenol and a couple hours later, she's perky and fine... I've stopped caring when I hear her sobbing.
The list goes on and on. And she makes sure that I know every problem. And I MUST care. I MUST care or I'm a horrible, sociopathic, sexist roommate.
For Halloween she went from being fine the day before to having the 'flu' and she needed complete silence, needed me to vacate the apartment and stay away until she 'allowed' me to return. I came back randomly (because ^%@& you) and she was conducting video conferences. We got into a shouting match and I called her out on faking illnesses and she went NUCLEAR - full on screaming at me to leave (so much for having the flu?) and move out if I can't handle having a roommate with a chronic condition.
She was full-on screaming at me - Claiming that I don't understand what it's like 'to suffer from a chronic condition'. (I do have one, I just keep it under wraps and try not to bother others with it, she doesn't care).
Except she fakes and over-exaggerates her illnesses so often that I've completely stopped believing her and giving her sympathy. Incidentally, she runs to her friends to bad-mouth me and makes me out to be this horrible person.
Oh... by the way, for Halloween? Yea, after that shouting match, she claimed she was too weak to continue on... so she went to bed while I went to the gym. An hour and a half later - I see her in the hallway, in full costume and heels she just went 'oh yea, isn't it a miracle? I feel so much better! Byeeee, I'll be back around 2-3am!'
As for toady - she just knocked on my door to let me know how difficult it is for her to breathe right now... we just had a full conversation, she was fine. She has been giving these little 'hem hem' coughs randomly throughout the day, and even went to Yoga. I suggested she get a cup of tea and try to relax. Or that she call it early and lay down, see if laying down will relax her muscles - she started getting angry that I wasn't taking her seriously, I asked her what she'd like me to do? She just walked away and sat back down on the sofa, I went back into my room and started writing this post.
My sympathy is totally maxed. She's cried wolf so many times, she actually refers to herself as a 'sick girl' as if it were a title! I don't believe any of her conditions except asthma are real because she has an inhaler. Can I have her committed to an asylum? With any luck I'll soon get a job that's 2x my current pay and I'll be free of her.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7jq5hr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>'chronic lyme'
Lyme disease exists.
post-lyme syndrome exists.
chronic lyme does not exist.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7jsje6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Agreed. She is from a Lyme dominant area, so I do believe her initial Lyme story from 10+ years ago.
>
>But she can't maintain a consistent story with her health now. She can't eat 'gluten' or have alcohol 'or the sugar will metabolize and cause intense inflammation pain!' but she'll drink a few times a month and be fine. I've called her out on this and then she'll suddenly act like she's in pain. And she'll use her 'chronic condition' as a cudgle to beat people into submission to get her way, or garner sympathy from others.
>
>When I point out I have a chronic condition, too (that I keep under control and minimize impact on others as best as I can) - she flat out says she doesn't care about my conditions.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7lqc5x/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Call me dumb but what do lyme disease and two hour showers have in common?
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7lwbw0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>She claims super hot showers calm her nerve pain and join inflammation.
>
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7og007/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) *(replying to themself)*
>
>Her remedy for muscle pain is to - take a boiling hot shower, sip some ashwaganda tea, ask for sympathy from anyone and everyone, then just lay in bed.
>
>If she's feeling particularly motivated, she'll have some angry Alanis Morisestte playing in the background...
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7ll6p2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
You need to set some serious boundaries. It sounds like a way to exert control over others rather than an actual condition. Tell her the illness isn't a problem, but making me live my life a certain way is and it ends now. You should say if SHE can't handle keeping to herself and having reasonable expectations of you (I would NEVER ask a roommate to leave the house they pay for) then SHE is the one that needs to live without roommates. HER conditions shouldn't have any effect on you and that should be made VERY clear! Additionally, I would say constantly having to hear about these problems is really a drain on your emotional well being. Tell her if you wanted to take care of someone, or even hear about someone's problems to such an extent, you would have children.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dwjqiz/comment/f7lwtm0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>I agree. I think she likes to be babied and coddled. We've been friends for 12 years, but I lived abroad for half that time... when I came back, she had turned into this utter basketcase. But she kept it under wraps until I signed the lease, then it was pure insanity.
>
>One big issue I have is that she'll just decide not to go into work often. She'll take so many sick days... and she doesn't get fired. But I'm a remote worker. I took this job, specifically to stay home and she knows this.
>
>So she'll start working from home claiming 'illness' and then dominate the living space from 10am - 2am. If I try to nudge my way it, she will have an 'important phone call' and ask me to go into my room.
>
>I thought we had a good balance at first - I had the living room where I could enjoy having the living space from 9am to 5pm... she'd come home and she had the whole living space to herself until she went to bed at 2am.
>
>But she threw that out the window and now screams at me if I explain to her 'a cough doesn't mean a day off'.
[**My Roommate Is A "Sick Girl" And Has Locked Me Out Of The Apartment! [Update]**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dxavaz/my_roommate_is_a_sick_girl_and_has_locked_me_out/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - November 16, 2019
In a thousand years I never thought I'd be one of those people to write a continuation of a story... but today was just too much and I need to vent / share.
**TL;DR - She demanded I not return for the weekend, locked me out of our apartment and the front desk staff had to let me in.**
Two days ago, my roommate had little 'hem hem' coughs. She thought she had pneumonia, but eventually settled that it was her torn rotator cuff that was hurting her lungs - Yesterday afternoon my roommate went to the doctor. She apparently called me twice and texted me on my personal phone - But I was on video conferences until 6pm yesterday. She storms in at 6:15p and the following exchange happens:
Her: "You didn't answer my texts or calls?"
Me: "I've been in video conferences all day. You know this, remember? I told you I had meetings until the end of day."
Her: "Really? Well, I may need to go to the ER tomorrow, so you'll need to stay here in case this medicine doesn't work."
Me: "Oh, well... I can't - I'm with my boyfriend all day tomorrow."
Her: "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE ABOUT ME?! WE'RE FRIENDS... AND ROOMMATES WOULDN'T DO THIS! YOU DON'T TAKE ANY OF MY CONDITIONS SERIOUSLY! I COULD DIE FROM ASTHMA!"
Me: \*Closes and locks door to room\* - "I'm not dealing with this." - \*Queue 3 min of silence while I ignore her ranting\*
Her: \*through my door\* - I don't think you understand how serious my condition is! I may need to go to the E.R. tomorrow!"
Me: "Well, you're fine enough to yell at me."
Her: "BECAUSE I'VE HAD SIX SHOTS OF STEROIDS AND A NEBULIZER! THE DOCTORS SAYS IF THIS DOESN'T WORK I NEED TO GO TO THE E.R.! YOU DON'T TAKE ANY OF MY CHRONIC CONDITIONS SERIOUSLY!"
Me: "Because you've lied and asked me to take you to the ER many times before, I just don't take you seriously. Yes."
Her: "FUCK YOU! I NEVER ASK TO GO TO THE ER! I JUST TELL YOU I **MAY** NEED TO GO! I'M ***not*** A HYPOCHONDRIAC! I'M DONE - I'M MOVING OUT IN JANUARY!"
Me: "Are you sure?"
Her: "Yes! I'm done. I need to live with someone who has compassion and has a heart. January. I'm gone. Bye."
Me: "Okay. Give me a date?"
Her: "January."
So I left for the gym, came back, showered and changed, ate some food - then left to go hang with the bf and spend the night at his place, I didn't bring a change of clothes, whoops. I get this gem of a text this morning:
"If you can stay at your bfs place this weekend that'd be great. I want to be alone thanks"\[sic\] - She sent this at 10:00am this morning. Naturally, I decided 'fuck that' and wanted to change my clothes from the night before and grab some things before spending the rest of the day with the bf. So I go back to my place and listen for coughing - I hear nothing through the door, and I listened for about 5 min - I go to unlock the door aaaaaand she has the U-Latch down, so I can't enter.
So I knock on the door - for 5 minutes. Then I open the door until the U-latch catches and begin giving a loud lecture on literacy skills. No response... so I went down to the front desk and vented / asked for help from the building staff there. I warned them that she wouldn't respond to me - but the moment they asked her to open the door, she'd claim she was zonked out on sleeping pills or something.
Guess what?!
The staff and I went up together, I knocked on the door, asked through the U-latch gap for her to open the door - no response. The staff member demands she open the door - she leaps up from her bedroom and says "Oh, sorry... so groggy... pain killers..." and unlatches the door. The staff member just looks at me and whispers "I can't believe it!"
So I grabbed two changes of clothes, my work phone, laptop, charger and some personal care products and just ran out of the apartment. And here I am, in our building's lobby typing this out...
The building staff is really sympathetic, but I'm kind of in a "Just get on with the day" mood and haven't really processed what the hell is going on. I'm now scared she's going to begin increasing her vindictive streak as punishment for not taking her seriously and involving others... I'm not sure what she could do, but I'm beginning to fear she'll just start making shit up.
Of course I could confront her, but I know what her excuse will be: "I WAS DRUGGED OUT ON EXTREMELY STRONG PAIN KILLERS! WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'M SICK! WHAT DON'T YOU GET ABOUT THAT?!"
On the positive, she's now Venmoing me for the cost of the furniture we purchased together, so maybe she actually is moving out in Jan? I'm an adult - I just want this drama to be over with.
[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dxavaz/comment/f7ov971/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
She won't tell me what day. Just 'January'.
>[**Response from another Redditor:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dxavaz/comment/f7p10uv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Then in this case “January” means Jan.1st. I would warn her beforehand too; something like “since you didn’t give me a date in January on when you plan to move out, I’m going to hold you to January 1st.”
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dxavaz/comment/f7p8jh2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
How the heck does this person even pay their rent when they’re always so “sick”?
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/dxavaz/comment/f7urgdl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>She has mastered the art of 'falling upstairs' - she hasn't held down a job for more than 6-9mo in the past few years. But she is good at what she does. She started out at a 30k a year job 2years ago and is now making 120k+... except she only lasts for a bit, claims it was contract work, then moves on to the next job before she decides 'every day is a sick day' and works from home... driving me insane in the process.
[**My Roommate Is A "Sick Girl" And Threatened To Call The Police So She Could Have The Apartment To Herself!**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/my_roommate_is_a_sick_girl_and_threatened_to_call/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - November 25, 2019
Hi Everyone!
I've decided to do one, final update for thanksgiving before I get properly smashed. (Don't worry, we have a lovely metro system here). A lot happened and I truly, truly did not want to start one of those 'series 1, series 2, etc...' updates, only the major things, and really only give one, final update around the end of Dec / Early Jan when everything is over.
So minor stuff first - I found out she's smearing my name in the apartment complex. Any person I've met she's telling her sob story about how I'm a sociopathic, non-emotional robot. Apparently her go-to phrase is 'he's just so MEAN to me...'
I have basically been ignoring it, aside from a few contacts who I thought were close, but they've gone cold, only giving me 'oh, really? ...oh, really?' if I try to engage in conversation of any sort, so that kind of sucks, but I'm not going to bother fighting it as I have an independent circle of friends she can't touch.
She's also left for this week for California. She left all her dishes in the sink, hair in the bathroom a giant box of recycling and all of her trash in the garbage bin. None of the recycling or garbage is mine. Literally none of it. Why?
Well... **Because last week Monday she told me to leave the apartment or she'd call the police on me.**
Basically, last weekend, she told me to stay at my BFs. I then got a text from her saying "I'm sick and my breathing machine won't work if we're both here, so find somewhere else to work." I texted back "Nope!" and then I marched home and told her I'm working from home next week.
Her excuses devolved as follows:
* It's because... My breathing machine doesn't work if two people are in the apartment
"That doesn't sound right. Is there not enough air in the apartment?"
​
* I am sick and need absolute silence
"Okay, I'll be as quiet as a church mouse."
​
* You're too loud and the walls are thin
"Like I said, I'll be as quiet as a sleepy church mouse."
​
* I just don't like you and don't want you near me
"Well, get over it. I live here."
This went worse from here. I have her recorded threatening me, threatening to break everything I own, damage the apartment and be 'a total and complete bitch' every second I'm in the apartment. **When I asked if she was threatening me,** she goes **"YEA, I'M FUCKING THREATENING YOU!" -** Recorded!! She also threatened to call the police if I didn't leave the apartment.
She's a 5'4" 'granola girl' and I'm over 6' and 200lbs, I know that even if she's lying through her teeth - the police will side with her and I'd be arrested, so I decided I'd leave the next morning just because she has that power to fuck up my life, even if it was just a day or two of inconvenience - I don't want to go through that.
So I spent the entire week leaving at 9am, and I was forbidden from coming back until 5pm, or else. She also sent me a text on Monday saying to halt finding a new roommate because she wouldn't decide until Dec. 1st if she was actually moving.
**Then she went to the gym to work out with her personal trainer...** You know, during her asthma attack.
On Thursday she tried to go behind my back and break the lease, pretending she had my consent to do so. The agent CC'd both of us in response and I told/called the agent and told her what was going on. My roommate said 'it was merely an inquiry as to our options, so we can best discuss a logical conclusion to our conflict.' I pointed out that there's only two options:
1. Someone sub-leases from you.
2. Someone takes over the lease from you.
She then sent me a text saying: "Option 3, you leave. I may be too sick in January or February to move and with your robust health it only makes sense for you to move and not me, plus I'm not in a good situation financially." \[HOW? You make $120k\]. I pointed out that she volunteered to leave and got, "Well, I'm suffering and currently breathing through a machine \[it's a nebulizer\], so it makes no sense for me to move, it will need to be you."
It's **NOT** a 'breathing machine' - it's a damn nebuilzer she uses a couple times a day that she got from a Wallgreen's last week. She didn't even use it the day before she left for vacation. But this is my entire problem - *she outright lies or over-exaggerates about her illnesses, but demands unending sympathy and unquestioning empathy and complete attention for every ache, pain and cough. \*hem hem\*.* And I'm DONE. I don't believe any of it.
**And she now has her 'living the chronic life' or 'Living with Pain; a Guidebook to Living With Lifelong Pain' books littered around the apartment...** to advertise how sick she is to anyone who comes in, just in case you weren't aware...
This lead to an in-person argument where I said - "You sent an email saying Jan 1st. You had me find someone, I found someone. I have your texts. I have you recorded saying Jan 1st... three times, we both agreed to the terms. You're moving, not me. I even found a place for you to live, just swap with the guy who wants to move in to here, it's even the same room in a mirrored unit!"
So she countered; "Well, I don't know who that person is. Plus, I want to live with Sarah\*, now."
/sigh, Sarah is a girl she befriended a couple months ago in the building - now they want to live together.
I just told her that I'm staying come hell or high water. Oh, also, for background - **The guy who wants to move in put his replacement search on hold because my roommate wasn't going to confirm until Dec 1st that she could move out!** Except she flipped that, and wants a confirmation, NOW. When I pointed out how erratic she was, she got upset and decided we both need to move out, saying - "Well, I don't think it's very fair that one of us stays in this apartment and the other leaves. I think we both need to vacate the apartment, so you'll need to be leaving too."
"NOPE! THANKS!"
And then she slips into her rant: "Well that's not very logical, why would you want to stay in an apartment where someone hates your guts?" And I just replied: "Because you're choosing to be like this. Well, then I guess we should look forward to making each other miserable for the next 8 months! Because I'm staying."
She didn't talk to me for the rest of the week, she'd just leave her laptop on at full volume in the living room playing music as she was in her bedroom or bathroom. She left a mountain of garbage, dishes and recycling to 'force me' to do work when she left for California on Saturday. Apparently one of her smears is to tell people that I'm some kind of misogynist who expects 'the woman' to clean up the 'boys mess' - **except I hadn't been in the apartment all week, by her orders - and threats**. It's all her crap.
I know if I left the garbage in her room she'd probably burn me in my sleep or stab me, so I'm going to clean all of it and send her a text saying *"You left the garbage, recycling and a sink full of dishes for me to clean up - after banning me from the apartment for the week. I am cleaning it because I, personally, don't like leaving an apartment filthy. Next time, you leave the apartment a mess for vacation, I'm putting your mess in your room for you to clean up. You're a grown adult, I'm not your maid. You make a mess, you clean your mess."*
I bet she'll say she was too sick and in too much of a rush to clean up... after staying home for a week, going to yoga and having a personal training session at the gym (With cardio!). Or "I'm on vacation right now and choose not to deal with this. Don't bother me again, thanks."
So, yea... I'm going to the LGBT center tomorrow for a free legal consultation... I'm not even sure where to go or what to mention, she's such an abusive, evil, person... I'm not sure 20 minutes is even enough to get through the three posts I've made on Reddit, I have 10 pages of documentation of her insanity.
Wish me luck, everyone.
​
EDIT - Changed: "I asked if I was threatening her' to the actual 'I asked if she was threatening me.' She threatened me, I asked if she was threatening me, she said 'yea, I'm fucking threatening you.'
UPDATE - I spoke with a lawyer yesterday and they were very blunt... I'm in an abusive situation and I need to get the hell out ASAP. They were very clear - she could slam her head into a door, call the police and they would arrest me, I'd have to hire a criminal lawyer to fight the charges, etc... Her threat is just too severe to ignore, so more than likely I'll be finding somewhere else to stay until she leaves the apartment.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8rpfrm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Pragmatism dictates you gtfo and cut contact. What do you have to gain from engaging in this conflict? Her life is it's own punishment. You owe yourself a duty to be happy. But your losses and walk around out as soon as you can sort out some sort of subletting arrangement. Find a new place first and pay double rent for a month. Worth it.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8sqexv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Sadly, I do not have the money to leave. I wish I did, but I don't.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8rmzmh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Well, you have documentation, I’m assuming this ain’t her first rodeo and has pulled this stunt before, and doesn’t have documentation. Stand your ground, listen to the LGBT centers advice and in the future, get references before you have another roommate.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8sqo1q/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>That's the sad thing... we had been friends for over a decade and I thought I knew her. I never, never, never, NEVER saw this side of her or ever saw this coming.
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8s0qzi/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
You need to go to the police and start a paper trail. You dont have to take action beyond that yet, but future you will be thankful if she ever decides to dick you over to the police.
Then, hate to say it, but you probably need to cut your losses and go. You're fighting crazy, which is bad enough, but the thumb on the scale is that you're fighting a manipulator. Its not worth it. File your report incase she decides to 'show you whos boss' even after youre gone, and incase anyone else ever files against her and needs you as back up.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8spleb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>This is what has been the problem for me.
>
>I want to go to the police, but I can't afford rent by myself on this place. So I need to start a paper trail of her abusive behaviour in case the worst happens, but I don't want to get her in so much trouble (yet) that she is evicted or can't pay rent...
>
>So I'm in a weird waiting game where I WANT to go to the police and cover my ass, but she's also, hopefully, leaving...
>
>Can I go to the police and just file a report without triggering anything? Or at least inquire?
[**Comment:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8rshk8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Holy crud, OP. After your prior posts I was fully on the "This bitch is nutso" wagon, but now I'm considering shifting slightly to "This bitch is nutso and also an evil, manipulative hosebag."
You're doing everything right, documenting stuff and going for the consult. I can't do anything but wish you best of luck, whatever happens, and may you soon be free of this demon.
>[**OOP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/e1smqk/comment/f8sqdpg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>Thank you.
>
>The game plans right now are:
>
> 1. Go to the LGBT center and consult the lawyer there and see if there's someone who can take pity and help me pro bono. Then go to the police.
>
> 2. Wait until Jan 1st and tough it out. I won't even be here for the last 2 weeks of Dec and first 2 weeks of Jan, so it's fine.
[**\[1yr Update\] My Roommate Was A "Sick Girl" And I Cut Her Out**](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/l9pfa1/1yr_update_my_roommate_was_a_sick_girl_and_i_cut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - January 31, 2021
Hi All,
About one year ago I posted a series of posts about the roommate I was living with at the time. She was a "sick girl" who over-exaggerated her symptoms for sympathy and control over peoples lives. She was the kind of person where if you didn't keep up to date with her ever-changing illnesses, drop everything and cater to her every whim with infinite care, compassion and understanding, well - you're clearly an abusive psychopath who should have the police routinely called on them, oh and she also tried to steal around $4k from me.
I just wanted to give a year-after update.
Everything is great!
I live on my own now. Which sucks financially, but I'm also living a much more calm, relaxed and stable life. It's nice to be me again.
I no longer have to deal with the insane accusations from someone whose mood changes like the wind. Or someone who decides they have a new illness and it's 'my responsibility' as their roommate to wait on them hand and foot. And if I don't, well...
The gaslighting, the abuse, the mud slinging, the name calling, the threats of harm and destruction, the filthy state of the apartment she'd leave for me to clean up, the smear campaigns where she'd tell everyone I was abusive, trying to steal rent money from me... AND the deposit! The threats she'd make to call the police because I'd call her out on her abusive behaviour... it's all gone!
I still can't believe I got through it.
The one thing I thank my luck stars for **is that she moved out at the end of February 2020**. If she didn't, she and I would probably have been stuck together for all of 2020 for quarantine.
I'd have been stuck with a munchausen-based, narcissistic psychopath. She clearly had some kind of mental illness that exacerbated her (in my non professional opinion) inherent instability and attention seeking behaviours. And all of that, in an inescapable situation would probably have been the death of me.
She has made several attempts to contact me since then. (The fucking audacity!)
Always with a friendly, "**Oh my god, I hope you're okay! Things are so nuts, right?**" I always grey-stoned her, and as of last week, with her last Hoovering attempt, I completely blocked her on all social media, all phone accounts - even her flying monkeys.
She has been exorcised from my life.
One of the other reasons I wanted to post was that I learned of a very particular type of abuse. I didn't know I was a victim of it and once I learned what it is, it armed me with the ability to shut this shit down in the future.
# It is called[Reactive Abuse.](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/)
​
>It's an insidious method of abuse - It's when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.
I believe the young, hip kids call it 'cry-bullying'. And that's exactly what it is. Every time my roommate would come at me with some kind of insane, deranged accusation I'd either stand my ground or tell her to fuck off.
And that - telling her to fuck off - was 'abuse beyond measure' in her words. Enough where I clearly am in the wrong and she believed she was absolved of all wrong-doing, not that she ever did anything! I was just an "uncompassionate dick", in her words, after all.
Please be aware of this style of abuse. It can come out of nowhere and no one wants to be seen as the abuser.
And here's the best advice I can give to anyone in this situation:
Standing your ground is never wrong, and remember, the best way to enrage a narcissist while keeping yourself in the clear is to listen to their bullshit, their baiting... then just... smile, nod and say "okay!" No sarcasm, no cheekiness to it, just a neutral "Okay!" with a smile.
They'll go insane and you literally give them nothing.
*OOP has gone no contact with their old roommate and the situation has been resolved, this is being marked as CONCLUDED.*
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,694 | 2023-08-27T23:24:09 | My Roommate Is A "Sick Girl" And Has Locked Me Out Of The Apartment! | CONCLUDED | Ok-Donut3656 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1635lgu/my_roommate_is_a_sick_girl_and_has_locked_me_out/ | false | false | [
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1635tna | *Instead of a fun fact, I will explain what I mean by "Original Kevin". In the posts below, OOP speaks on someone named Kevin. After the comment blew up, it led to the name Kevin meaning similar people for the most part and where the subreddit* r/StoriesAboutKevin got its name.
Content Warning: >!Racial Slur!<
Mood Spoilers: >!Positive !<
\-
*The original post was a response to an* r/AskReddit *question, answered by* u/NoahtheRed
[**Who's the dumbest person you've ever met?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/219w2o/comment/cgbhkwp/) **(March 25th, 2014)**
It's not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?
I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (Don't worry, it was a ballpark.....we didn't make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought "That's fine. I'll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up" One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade....and now he was in 9th grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.
I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear. It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today.
So here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he's laughing uncontrollably:
* Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.
* Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
* Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me...his English teacher. This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.
* Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire....twice
* Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him.
* Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn't his, not that he did it.....no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year.
* Kevin called the basketball coach a "Motherfucking Bitch" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well.
* Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to)
* Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
* Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up.
* Kevin say the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
* Kevin stole another student's Iphone....and tried to sell it back to them.
* Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
* Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
* Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals.
* Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library.....at the circulation desk....while he was logged on.
* Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don't go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address
* Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly.
* Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room.
* Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very concerned that "the holiday party" (it's high school, we don't have those) would have peanuts. When they finally got a doctor's note....he was allergic to amoxicillin
* Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the fuck did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.
* Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
\-
[**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/3dvdad/comment/ctbmpn7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) **(July 21st, 2015)**
*Then in a completely unrelated thread, OOP gets asked about how Kevin is doing two year later:*
>I'm extremely curious. I just read your Kevin post, since it was everywhere anyway, and just wanted to ask some questions.
>
>•What do you do now, if you're not teaching?
>
>•Did Kevin influence your decision on quitting teaching?
>
>•Where do you think Kevin is right now? What is he doing?
>
>•How many times do people ask you about that post a day?
>
>•On days where the events mentioned on the post didn't happen, how did Kevin act?
NoahtheRed:
* I'm actually between jobs. After teaching, I went into software QA and test writing. Unfortunately, my position was eliminated in a buyout, so I'm "on the hunt". Fortunately, I just had an interview for a very awesome Product Manager position with a web company, so things are going well.
* Not really. Kevin and his parents were entertaining, honestly. I can deal with stupid. What I couldn't (and can't) deal with is the politics and just general morale shitshow that is modern education. I got tired of being micromanaged and continually blamed for things that were out of my control. Kevin was honestly a fun part of my career.
* Kevin graduated in June and now works at a restaurant about 15 minutes away. He has a 2 year old son and AFAIK, is getting married to the mother(also graduated in June). From what I hear, he kind of grew out of the stupidity and having the kid kind of sobered him up. His future FIL is military though, so that probably had something to do with it.
* It comes in waves and happens more when I post in more active subs. I'd say 2-3 times a day it comes up on here. Usually I don't respond if it's not relevant, but I like how you formatted it :P
* He slept in class a lot, or at least kind of just made vague attempts at doing work while either not paying attention or attempting to flirt. In fact, most of the events happened between August and November, or May and June. From December to about mid-April, he was pretty low key...when he wasn't suspended or lost.
\-
*I Wish OOP The Best*
​ | 2,598 | 2023-08-27T23:33:53 | An Update On The "Original Kevin" | REPOST | boru_posts | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1635tna/an_update_on_the_original_kevin/ | false | false | [
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163bmxd | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Throwawayliflower808
**AITA for forwarding my husband's group text messages to our boss and HR?**
**Originally posted to** r/AITAH
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Public shaming and humiliation, emotional abuse, talk of sexual coercion!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15vwjcq/aita_for_forwarding_my_husbands_group_text/) **Aug 20, 2023**
My (36F) husband ( 39M) and I are likely divorcing. We've been married 7 years and a year and two months ago I gave birth to our daughter.
My husband and I work at the same company, and at the same department. Until very recently I worked as an administrative assistant there while my husband is a marketing associate.
I was recently promoted to marketing analyst, which is one step below associate.
My husband was part of an all male friend group in the department that I believe has helped him at work. His friend group includes a VP of marketing, who we'll call Ted.Ted's boss is the senior VP of Marketing " Allison"
I actually got to know Allison because I used to volunteer at the same school she sent her kids to. I know enough about her to know she hates people who disparage moms.
For about a year after I gave birth, I was focused on getting myself back on track health wise and professionally.
However, my husband started getting distant after month 6. Every day it was no conversation but " you can't do anything sexually?" And him bothering me for BJs.
None of my accomplishments seemed to matter to my husband because he just wanted sex.
He fell asleep one day before his phone turned off. I saw a host of notifications and then discovered a text thread between him and 3 work buddies complaining about his apparently frigid wife.
I saw responses where everybody sympathized with him. Saying they hope he gets sex soon. And then one coworker writes " At some point, she needs to just lay back and let you do what you need to do. And get over doing it. Not PC but true." Ted liked that text. Then Ted responds " She's ruining your family. Maybe tell her that and she'll come to her senses. My wife did. " This leads advice on ways to emotionally guilt me.
I was furious and started taking screenshots. I was slightly drunk and when I told my sister she said since he participated using our electronics, just send it to Allison via his phone because she should know what kind of people is handling company PR.
So I did so without any message explaining it and then also sent a formal email to HR. I then leave the house. The next day all hell breaks loose. My husband's group get notices for meetings with HR.
My husband tells me to stay away and that a good wife would have kept it quiet. Now the dust has settled and Allison made it clear she was narrowly outvoted when pushing for his termination. The guy who wrote the " just lay back" was fired. Ted was suspended without pay but reinstated. My husband was suspended, reprimanded, and moved to a different team because Ted doesn't want to work with him. He claims what hurts most is that coworkers avoid him.
My husband refuses to talk to me. Never did he acknowledge how the texts would have made me feel. Instead saying I was snooping, it was private. At this point I know we are headed for divorce, and I feel drained and humiliated over his texts. AITA? Did I go too far? He didn't get fired.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15xa4l1/update_aita_for_forwarding_my_husbands_group/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 21, 2023**
So my post clearly blew up and it was heartwarming seeing some of the responses that understood how violating seeing those texts made me feel. It wasn't just my husband, but my coworkers and my superior talking about me in a sexual manner.
I know a lot of other commenters ( and direct messages) were very offended and were rooting for the worst for me. That my reality conform to their preferred reality.
That I'd be fired, thrown out on the streets, banned from seeing my daughter while my husband moved in a younger woman who my daughter will call mom.
All of these have been in either comments or messages I've received from Redditors. I get it- I posted about me taking a stand and affecting a man's career, so some people on here would like me tarred and feathered.
I am sorry to spoil that revenge fantasy for some of you, but here is what has progressed since my last post.
I was in the process of filing for divorce- had already been speaking with and paying an attorney. My attorney has had experience fighting contentious divorces in court but says our divorce isn't worth being vindictive. His tune is " It doesn't matter who did what. With your assets, it's just dividing everything 50-50. If either side wants to fight you're all going to run out of money before October.
I am back in the house and my husband is living with his parents. Our plan is to alternate 50-50 because even if our daughter can't understand divorce like older kids might, we still want her to stay under the roof she's always known.
My husband says he won't talk bad about me to our daughter, but won't pretend to be my friend either. Or communicate with me beyond anything concerning our daughter. We plan on downloading a coparenting app one kind commenter recommended.
My husband was texting coworkers on his personal phone, but through a company issued Google Voice number on it. They had been in a group chat about work related stuff but it devolved from there.
In terms of work, Ted hates me but he seems to hate my husband even more. Ted was the one who requested that my husband don't work with him anymore and ignores him when he speaks. Allison doesn't even ignore my husband completely.
My husband is on a PIP of sorts.
And Allison didn't tell me about almost firing my husband, she said that to my husband. To the commenters saying Allison will be fired, her uncle is a member of the Board of Directors who once served as interim CEO.
A former mentor of my husband pulled him aside and said he should be aware the company is making cuts and marketing departments always get hit the hardest in layoffs. He said not to think he's being laid off or anything, but just a heads up that nothing is personal. So both him and I are looking for new jobs.
For me, I have not been bothered at work. The company has more than one location and Allison offered to help me transfer, but for now I just want to figure out an amicable divorce, since my husband has simmered down.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 5,610 | 2023-08-28T04:02:49 | AITA for forwarding my husband's group text messages to our boss and HR? | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/163bmxd/aita_for_forwarding_my_husbands_group_text/ | false | false | [
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163bo77 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Alwaystired24_7
**Assaulted at work by coworker**
**Originally posted to r/legaladvice
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Verbal abuse, assault, harassment, mentions of animal abuse!<
[How do you find out who called an anonymous tip on you to the cops?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/13iokk1/how_do_you_find_out_who_called_an_anonymous_tip/) **May 15, 2023**
**RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP**
**OOP**
>Because the call was that I’m abusing my animals. It wasn’t true and I had cops come search my house. They told me it was an “anonymous coworker.” None of my coworkers have ever even been to my house. And they didn’t know my address because they called it on the house next door on accident but they knew my name.
**Truthisnotallowed**
>>So - what if you knew?
>>How would that help you? There is nothing you could do with that information that would make your situation better. Unless you have the money to get a lawyer to write them a threatening letter - which still might not help you in any way.
>>If you want this harassment to stop your best bet is to talk to the police - point out that this report was untrue - and that you feel it likely they may make other false claims about you.
>>It is up to the police to do anything about the filing of a false report. They will only do something if they feel like it. So you have to get them on your side.
>>You might benefit from the advice of a lawyer - but that can be very expensive.
>>You might also ask your question on some other subreddit that allows you to give more context to your question - like /r/advice maybe. Or there may be some legal-advice subreddit if you search for it. I know there are medical advice subreddits.
>>Good luck.
**OOP replied**
>>>I work at a bank. If the person that I think it is called the cops on me, they don’t know my address. I have a theory that they looked up the address of the person I rent from on the apps we use to determine customer accounts and called it in that way because the address they called it on was hers and she doesn’t have animals. And if my theory is correct then that’s a HUGE infraction on their part at work.
&
>>>Only 2 people I work with would’ve done this. I asked them both. And they both denied it. One of them wasn’t very believable while the other one is a bad liar and didn’t seem to be lying. So now I’d like to prove that one lied to me with evidence.
[Someone called the cops on my house.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/13ipgxe/someone_called_the_cops_on_my_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **May 16, 2023**
Long story short. My husband had this dog. And our landlady said he couldn’t be at our house. Well my husband hid him at our house for about a month because the place he had him at wasn’t working out. I was completely against this and vented about it at work.
Wednesday night we got into an argument about how we need to get rid of the dog and he decided to go ahead and get rid of him so now we’re looking for him a home.
Well someone I work with called the police on my house on Friday afternoon and told them I was caging animals without food or water so labeled it as abuse and the cops came and searched my house. They saw bowls in their kennels and saw the huge bag of food we have for them in our kitchen and said they looked happy and sorry for wasting our time.
There’s only 2 people I work with that would’ve done this, and I plan on finding out which one because one of them I’m pretty sure is lying, but I’m also pregnant and hormonal so I don’t trust my judgement 100%. The first one swore up and down and tried really hard and sincerely to get me to believe that it wasn’t her. The other one sounded angry when I asked so I think she’s lying to me.
What can I do to make sure this doesn’t happen again once I find out who did it. They crossed a line by calling the cops and lying about the situation to them because they could have all of my animals (that are allowed to actually be there) taken from me with animal abuse accusations.
**RELEVANT COMMENT FROM OOP**
>This person has never been to my house. Momentary lapse in judgement when venting because I have worked with these people for 2 years. My question is more like is there something legal I can do to make sure I don’t have any false accusations brought my way again
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/15cedvt/assaulted_at_work_by_coworker/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 29, 2023**
This is a long story.
We will call my coworker Karen. And let me preface this by saying that I am 21yo F and 19 weeks pregnant.
Karen is a 60 year old woman with huge attitude problems. I work as a teller at a bank and have had 1 run in before now with this teller. I don’t have hard evidence, but I believe this woman used confidential bank information a few months ago to make a false accusation to the cops for animal abuse at my house. When asked about it she denied it and got angry with me and then involved MULTIPLE coworkers in it even though the conversation happened outside of work. And lied about our whole conversation saying I was accusing her and calling her a liar. Which didn’t happen. When brought to managements attention. I was reprimanded (not on paper just verbal) and she walked away unscathed. I haven’t spoken to her on this specific situation outside of the 1 minute phone call that I made to ask if she was the one that had made the accusation.
The past week I’ve worked every day in the drive thru of our bank with this woman. Since that incident I have been nothing but kind to her. Heaping coals of fire if you will. But she’s the kindof woman that if she’s in a bad mood, anyone else who is in a good mood should go to hell. I’ve been working with her and one other girl the past two days. Yesterday, Karen got upset around 3pm. Decided not to join in the conversations, so the other girl (we’ll call her Amy) and I ended up joking around and finishing the day with a laugh.
Today was the same. She was salty all day so we just didn’t really give her extra attention outside of work related things.
At the end of the day she got angry with me for not doing something that was actually her responsibility. It wasn’t a big deal and I said “sorry I didn’t realize it hadn’t been done” she came at me saying that she was tired of my attitude and lip that I’ve been giving her all week. I have literally walked on eggshells around this woman for 2 months because of how she twisted the whole animal abuse thing.
I tried walking into a different room to get away from her yelling at me and my supervisor was standing in the room I walked in. Karen followed me in yelling at me and brought up the animal abuse situation. Accused me of calling her a liar and treating her badly. Giving her attitude over it. I told her I have never spoken to her about this at work and would not speak about it at work. If she wanted to talk about it she could speak to our supervisor.
I tried to walk past her back into the other room and she put both hands on my chest and pushed me backwards. 2 people saw this happen and one of them was my supervisor. My supervisor didn’t do anything, but the other person did. (Amy) she jumped in and told her she wasn’t going to start acting like that while I backed away with my hands raised in a surrender position while she started yelling at Amy. I managed to get passed her and grabbed my things and as I was walking out she was still yelling at Amy so I turned around and yelled “HEY!” And she aggressively replied “what” and I said “if you ever f-ing put your hands on me again it will not end well for you. Don’t f-ing touch me again” and she tried to say that I shoved her hand away one time years ago while she was trying to do something and I literally have no idea what she’s talking about. My supervisor did not get involved at any point.
I left work and messaged my supervisor and branch manager and told them I want to speak with them and the bank president on Monday first thing and explain exactly what happened. But based off the conversation I already had on the phone w my branch manager and he made the comment of finding a way to work together.
What can I do outside of talking to my supervisors?
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**4MuddyPaws**
>It's a bank. Do they have cameras? A lot of places put them everywhere, including the break room. And yes, report this to the police and let HR know you're going to hire a lawyer. Also tell HR that this woman and the supervisor are promoting a hostile workplace.
**OOP replied**
>They have cameras everywhere but the breakroom which is where this happened
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/15hfx7e/update_assaulted_at_work_while_pregnant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 3, 2023**
Recap: Okay so I posted on Friday that I had been assaulted by Karen at work. She put both hands on my chest and pushed me backwards when I tried to walk past her while she was yelling at me. My supervisor saw the whole thing and didn’t do anything about it. I’m 19 weeks pregnant.
Today I had a meeting with head of HR, the bank President, branch manager, supervisor, and Karen. I had sent HR a very detailed description of everything that happened. Named names, dropped times, everything I could remember thanks to some peoples advice on my previous post.
They started off the conversation saying that both of us were very wrong. I was confused bc the only thing I did wrong was cuss at her after she pushed me and told her if she put her hands on me again it would be a problem. (I don’t consider that wrong but whatever)
They let her have her say first. She told a lie from the beginning. Said I’ve been hateful and had an attitude towards her when she’s only “trying to help.” That I have been aggressive to her and I’ve bullied her. That I started it by shouldering into her while trying to walk passed her after she tried to politely tell me she didn’t appreciate my attitude. She said I “hit” her first when in reality I never put my hands on her at all and had tried to leave the argument twice. Said our supervisor watched me do it. My supervisor didn’t deny or agree to it. Karen said “she hit me and she came towards me again while she was mad and I thought she was going to actually hit me because she’d already pushed me once so I put my hand up to stop her” my supervisor chimed in and said “I was just shocked I wasn’t expecting anything like that so I didn’t know how to react.”
My jaw HIT. THE. FLOOR.
not only did this woman make up a completely different story somehow my supervisor is on her side even though she didn’t see anything except for what actually happened.
She also made several other accusations which were false to try and make it seem like I’ve tried to turn our coworkers against her. But that’s also false.
After she had her say, I had mine. I explained everything that happened in detail exactly as I had before (her story had a bunch of holes that no one even questioned) and she denied everything I said actually happened.
They never came out and said they believe anyone over the other, but I know that Amy had told them something similar to what I had the only difference being her POV and they still took her side I feel like.
They didn’t punish either of us. Decided to put us on a 45 day “watch” and if anything happens again between us we could be put on probation or terminated.
After our meeting together they met with us separately. They asked me how I felt with how they handled the situation. I tried to look at it from their standpoint. They have 2 people saying 2 very different things. Both have people backing them up. It happened in a room that conveniently we don’t have cameras in. They can only take us at our word. I tried to answer honestly and told them “I don’t know” and that I was glad they brought us both in together to hear what the other had to say but that what she said happened did not happen. They just nodded.
I feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I want to tell them to pull the cameras from the other rooms to see if you could hear anything but I feel like it’s too late to bring that up?
My family says I need to make a police report. I’m not sure what that would do besides cause more problems at work. I plan on finding another job and quitting bc I don’t appreciate being lied about and the truth not being sought correctly. I feel completely wronged but what can I do. I don’t want to get fired. I don’t have another job lined up bc we live in BFE which I think has a huge thing to do with this because everybody is related someway somehow here.
Karen has been at the bank for 18 years.
Should I file a police report? Should I let it go? She’s blatantly lying.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 2,217 | 2023-08-28T04:04:37 | Assaulted at work by coworker | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/163bo77/assaulted_at_work_by_coworker/ | false | false | [
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163brq9 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/An0nymous\_stories](https://www.reddit.com/user/An0nymous_stories/). She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest
**Mood Spoiler:** >!depressing!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15rxlyo/i_ignored_my_husband_so_much_that_he_went_away/)**: August 15, 2023**
I (Carla 30) am 6months pregnant with mine and my husband's (Harry 31) first child. During this pregnancy, I've been very exhausted everyday and would usually come home from work and go to bed an hour later, then I'd wake up at midnight and reheat what Harry had made us for dinner.
For context, I've been part of a huge work project that's been going on for months, and I've been extremely overworked. On top of this, my husband doesn't have a job at this moment and isn't looking for one unless I remind him. I've been working overtime to get as much money as I can before maternity leave.
Our anniversary was on the 6th of August and I'd asked him if we could have a romantic dinner at home and then snuggle up to watch TV under a warm blanket. I thought it was a wonderful idea since I was too tired to go out and because I knew that Harry was doing most (if not, all) of the household chores. However, he seemed a little annoyed when he agreed, but I thought nothing of it.
The next morning, Harry seemed quite cold towards me and barely looked me in the eyes. Once I got home from work, he wasn't there, but that was normal since he could have been out with friends or at an interview, and so I went to sleep. I woke up at 11 that night to see that I was still alone in the house so I checked my phone.I had about 8 missed calls from Harry and a long text.
I'm summarising but the text read: 'I understand how tired you are because of this pregnancy and you having to work extra hours most days, but I'm over being ignored everyday and having a five minute conversation with you every so often. You expect me to do all the housework AND plan our boring anniversary ALONE. I'm really annoyed so I'm staying at a friend's tonight, text me when you see this.'
Of course I called him and texted him about being sorry and wanting to talk, but I never got an answer. In the morning, I called my boss about having a day off and spent most of it waiting for Harry and planning my apology.
However, when he came home, he silently handed me a rose and a card saying that he loves me but needs a few days away from me to figure out what he's going to say/do.
Then, those days became a week. This part happened on the 13th, 8 days later.
I messaged him everyday and he would constantly say that he needed one more day, or just another night at his friends to figure this all out, but on the 13th, I decided to go to the friend's home he was staying at to confront him.
So I drove over (nearly 30mins away) and banged on the door so hard that I could hear it echo from inside. By this point, I'd realised that I should have put more effort into our relationship, but he also should have talked to me about this instead of running away.
Harry's friend came to the door and was confused but pleased to see me. He seemed a little on edge as I talked to him and he had to break the silence every so often with comments about my pregnancy and how he couldn't wait to meet the baby.
Finally, we stopped talking and I practically demanded to see Harry, saying that I wanted to apologise but also explain how childish he was being by hiding from me.
The thing that I found absolutely hilarious (but actually not at all) was that his friend said that Harry wasn't there and had left for Ireland on the 9th. IRELAND! To say I was absolutely beyond furious and extremally confused would be such an understatement. His friend invited me in and sat me down to talk.
Turns out that Harry had told his friend of our problems and had come up with the solution of going on a holiday as a couple to sort everything out and 'learn to love each other again' (in Harry's words). So, of course, his friend thought that is was a lovely idea and helped him to book the flight on the evening of the 5th (the first time he had stayed at his friend's house). Since it was a last-minute booking, Harry's friend had stayed up with him for quite a while before they found a flight who was taking a few more passengers due to cancelled tickets.
His friend then explained how he'd been confused when I arrived at the door but didn't want to say anything about the holiday in case it had ended early due to us arguing.
Harry's return ticket is booked for the 20th of August! I am just so angry and quite heartbroken to be completely honest!
I messaged him the moment his friend had finished talking and Harry only responded an hour ago with nothing more than a 'Had to figure things out. Sorry.'
So now I'm home alone, again, and trying to figure out what I'M going to do/say when he gets home.
Anyway, thanks for reading about how my life is going.
Side note: I'm from the UK, so Ireland isn't as far as people think it is since I'm not American. But it is still. SO. FAR.
Other side note: A question that keep repeating is 'where did he get the money from without you noticing' so I'll leave my explanation from the comments here. v
He has a bank account with his money from when he worked as a teenager and a little into his 20s (before we met), and a few years ago, we agreed not to touch that money and add to it every so often. It was a backup backup savings account- so I'm assuming that he took the money from there since it wasn't from the joint account
\---
I've had time to think a little.
Here's another note, **6 hours later**. I knew this post would get attention but I assumed it would only be a little. I've never used Reddit before but I've seen it on Tik Tok a few times so I thought posts only became popular on there, and maybe this one would get as popular as my AITA post (not very). I was upset when I posted this and didn't think about how I'd handle all of the judgements and conspiracies once I'd calmed down.
I appreciate the hard truths, empathy, and/or advice given to me, but I am not divorcing him, changing the locks, calling a lawyer or anything like that.
**SMALL UPDATE: August 17, 2023 (2 days later, same post)**
(It’s the 17th now) I’ve had a LONGER think. I’m not deciding anything until our talk, but I DEFINITELY won’t be staying in my home with him after this- I can’t trust him not to run away again. I’ll talk more about this on my actual update, but I’ve gained some self respect and realised he’s being an AH I talked to my mum and she’s happy for me to move in with her on the 21st and I’m free to stay for as long as I need to.
So, I'm going to post an update just to clear the air when I can (hopefully the day/day after Harry is home. 20th/21st?) and then delete this all a day or two later, or I'll forget to.
***Relevant Comments:***
*How many tickets did he buy?*
"2 tickets as far as his friend knows, and I don't know who he took with him, but I'd like to assume it's a different friend or a relative or that it just wasn't used"
*Are you delusional?*
"I’m not. Just because I hope he’s not with another woman, doesn’t mean that I believe that. Also I think I know who’s with him, but I’m not going to say anything until I know. If I’m right though, he’s DEFINITELY not cheating, yet anything is a possibility now"
*His feelings are valid but his response is extreme:*
"Thank you, this is actually quite helpful. I know I am not the 'good guy' in all this and that I should have made time for him or recognised that we needed to talk. I just wish that he'd have asked me to have a day off (since I clearly didn't notice how he was feeling), or got a job so that I wouldn't be working so much so we could be together more."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15xekd7/update_i_ignored_my_husband_so_much_that_he_went/)**: August 21, 2023 (6 days later)**
I want to start this out by saying that a lot of questions have been answered since Harry came home yesterday evening. The main one being that he did use the second ticket, but for his sister.
For the last few days, Harry's friend has been living with me and helping me through this. One way was that he scheduled a couples and individual councillor for Harry and I. I have also been calling my mum everyday since the 13th and with the one counselling session, Harry's friend, and my mum all giving me the same advice, I scheduled an early maternity leave with a slight bonus to each paycheque because off all my overtime and unpaid help. I officially leave work in 4 days.
Back to yesterday, Harry's friend went to pick Harry up and sent me photos of who he was with as reassurance that it was his sister, Tiff (not her real name).
When they arrived, I'd prepared dinner and cleaned the downstairs of our home so that we could have a civillised conversation without hunger or distractions to stop us. Harry looked extremally tired and he seemed to be on the verge of crying the moment I opened the door to them all.
I was incredibly patient for the sole reason of being able to get through this discussion in one piece, and so when Harry wouldn't speak, I let Tiff explain why she had gone with him.
Tiff is a lovely lady who helped me through the few months **before** my pregnancy. However, Harry didn't stay in close contact with her and I lost touch when the work project started. Because of this, she had no clue about anything going on until Harry called her and said that he had a spare ticket to Ireland. At first, she was reluctant since she knew that I was pregnant, and so she tried to ask why he would leave and if I was with someone who could care for me. Eventually, Harry snapped and told her the real reason of why he was going away, and so she joined him to make sure that he knew it was wrong, but also to help him through all the emotions that he was feeling.
She was the reason that Harry came back to me, if she hadn't of gone with him, then Harry admitted that he might have moved to Central London or a small village in the country side to hide from this. It took everything in me not to cry when she admitted that, and I could clearly see the shame on Harry's face.
I'm not going to recite everything word for word, and so I'll quickly clear up some things:
1: Harry DID use the backup backup savings account like I thought to pay for the tickets.
2: The reason that Harry's friend didn't see who the other ticket was for, was because once they had found the tickets, Harry's friend went to bed.
3: Tiff was by Harry's side the entire holiday in Ireland and confirmed without a doubt, that this wasn't to find a fling. They spent most of the days in the cheapest hotel room possible in silence before Harry started talking about everything.
4: When we met and married- Harry was a loving, hardworking, job-having man whose only dream was to have a wonderful family, and then retire to one of those cute stone villages in the South of England.
After an hour, Harry finally spoke up. Tiff and Harry's friend went into the Livingroom but I never realised how strange it would feel to be with Harry again.
He confessed that he'd stopped loving me a month into my pregnancy. It wasn't to do with the fact that I was sick all the time, dirty as a mole, or wouldn't stop talking about the baby. He just didn't have a reason.
Since he couldn't think of why he stopped loving me, he assumed that the love would come back in no time, that maybe it was some delusion caused by the stress of a baby on the way.
Overtime, that love didn't come back and he started feeling incredibly guilty and alone in it all, which is when he got fired from his job. He told me it was because his work performance was belittled by new management, but it was really because he was too trapped in his feelings to think of anything but how much he still didn't love me.
Then, he never tried to get a job, because sitting at home without me (since I had to work more) was much better than sitting at work and possibly getting fired again. He came to love how he had alone time until the moment that he FELT alone. That was when he refused to work just so he wouldn't have to see me. He wanted to sit and wait and see how long it would be before I CAME TO HIM!
The trip was to 'test the waters'. It was to see if life would be better without me. He still hasn't decided.
In his whole explanation, he kept emphasising how he didn't love me and said it like I was a child who needed to hear something a thousand times just to understand it.
He never apologised.
In a rough way, I was shocked, distraught. If you have a word to describe that awful emotion, then I felt it. I cried, I shouted, I cried again and we sat in silence until I could talk.
Then I told him how I could NEVER trust him again. HOW could I possibly trust him not to walk out on me or the baby? How could I trust him to tell me these things or explain his emotions or to see the story from both sides? How could I possibly work myself dry again for an unloving husband?
And so I made the decision for him. We would go to couples counselling, not to be a better couple, but just to understand each other and learn to communicate properly while together and to other people. No matter what, our lives would always involve each other because of the marriage and baby, and so we need to be able to TALK.
I've moved into my mum's home and I'm free to stay for as long as I need to. My mum is helping me to make the spare room into a nursery and is being the most amazing, supportive, incredible mum anybody could be.
Tiff and I are going to stay in closer contact and Harry's ex-friend said that he can be the appointment driver and is going to be my second emergency contact. As for when I'm in labour, my mum will be with me, and Tiff and Harry's ex-friend will be waiting to meet the baby and to stop Harry from even seeing the delivery room.
Finally, I made it clear to Harry that we will separate for now but **WILL** divorce/remain separated after the baby is born. I will make sure that he is NOT mentioned on **my** emergency contacts. He cant be trusted to show up or even he where he says he is.
I'm not going to update this anymore since I have things to do and a baby to prepare for. Thank you for sticking around and reading this all, I'll respond to whatever comments I see/want to, but those are all I'll say after this.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Some more details:*
"Hi there, I just saw this. I didn’t include a lot of a nitty details in this because it is my last post on the matter and I just wanted to clear the air.
However, Harry had told ‘Tiff’ that I had allowed him to go so he could think, so she didn’t try to reach out. I suppose she wanted to give Harry and I space or maybe she just forgot because her brother was upset and in a crisis or sorts.
There are a lot of things to still talk about since we only talked for an evening
Also Harry’s friend is on my emergency contacts because he has been helping me through this and, if my mum can’t get to me, he is the closest after her. Emergency contacts are about trust but also location."
*How did ex friend become ex friend?*
"In short, Harry lied to his friend and then the friend learnt what Harry had told me. The friend doesn't want to be 'Harry's friend' anymore"
*You may want to contact a lawyer about him not being a contact at the baby's school:*
"I responded to someone else about this, in a rough way: I'm tired and I realise that wont happen. I just want to know that Harry couldn't take the baby from nursery without me knowing and then decide that he'd have a better life without us.
What I mean is that, until he decides if he wants to be in our lives and gets any mental health support that he needs (because of how he's been feeling/acting) then I want to know where our baby is at all times"
***Marked as concluded as OOP indicated she won't be updating again.*** | 11,781 | 2023-08-28T04:09:24 | I ignored my husband so much that he went away without telling me | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/163brq9/i_ignored_my_husband_so_much_that_he_went_away/ | false | false | [
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163bs1c | **I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/Throwratroncat](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwratroncat/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and her own page.
I wrote a previous BORU [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wwxi6/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby_brother/) with the original updates. **New Update is marked with \*\*\*\*\***
I added some paragraph breaks for readability.
**Trigger Warning:** >!child neglect; parentification!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!tentatively hopeful!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15q8dpk/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby_brother/)**: August 13, 2023**
I (F 16) graduated high school in June. Yes, I graduated early. My mom, is currently 8 months pregnant and she just had my (half) baby brother Ben, in October of 2021, so he's almost 2. My (full blood) brother Sam (M 14) was with our dad, who lives 8 hours away, all summer, and just got back two days ago.
My stepfather works, so for most of the day, it is just me, my mom, and Ben. I am with Ben in the morning for 2 hours. During this time, I feed him breakfast, change his diaper, and play with him. I also make my mom coffee and breakfast. My mom sleeps during this time. She wakes up around 9:30 and eats breakfast. Around 10, I walk my dog. When I get back, I put Ben to sleep. My mom plays on her PC during this time.
When Ben wakes up, I make his lunch and she feeds him. Then, I have to take him outside to walk him. Then, I have to take him to water the plants. I have to fetch whatever my mom needs since she can't go up and down the stairs.
On top of doing all this, I had two online classes I was taking. I also had a sick dog I was taking care of. With Sam gone, most of the house chores fell on me. It's a lot to handle. I never complained about any of it.I don't know if it's the pregnancy, but my mom has been extremely mean. It only takes her 5 minutes after seeing me to start complaining about something I didn't do/did wrong. She constantly calls me lazy and compares me to kids my age who have driver's licenses/jobs. These are things I want, but I literally do not have the time to because of all my jobs at home.
This summer, I wanted to go to see my brother and dad just for a week because I miss them. My mom said no because I had to take care of my dog. Fair, I guess. I used to go downtown to the library and she said I can't go anymore because I didn't do \[insert chore\] or she needs someone to help with Ben. Right. I wanted to take myself to the movies. No. I want to go to the fair with my brother Sam. No.
Yesterday was college orientation. Not only did she text me while I was there complaining about me not telling her we ran out of dishwasher pods, but when I got home, she ranted at me for 20 minutes about how I always ditch my responsibilities.
School starts tomorrow and I'm so exhausted and sad. I wanted this to be a fun summer. After yelling at me and then telling me to go buy dishwasher pods last night, my mom made me tell her what was making me so upset. I told her I wasn't ready to share it but she threatened to take away my computer (which I paid for and also need for college) so I did. I told her I was tired of doing everything for her, that I felt underappreciated, and that she and Ben ruined my summer. She said she was more than capable of taking care of Ben on her own and sent me to bed. It's the next day and she won't talk to me. She also won't let me help with Ben. I am a little relieved because it's been a long time since I've had time to myself, but I also feel sort of bad. AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Who is the mom here?*
"My baby brother calls me Mom now so honestly maybe I am the mother lol"
*Can you go live with your dad?*
"I've never lived with him before since she has full custody but he said I'm always welcome"
"Living with my dad probably won't be an option because of how far he lives. I've also mentioned it before and she shot it down immediately"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwratroncat/comments/15rdqcw/update_aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby/)**: August 14, 2023 (Next Day)**
Hi so first I want to say thank you so much for all of the attention and support I've gotten. It feels so good to have people say good things about me for once. Here's the link to my 1st post [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15q8dpk/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_mom\_she\_and\_my\_baby\_brother/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15q8dpk/aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my_baby_brother/)
Basically, I'm a 16-year-old high school graduate and my pregnant mother is putting a lot of household responsibilities (including taking care of my 22-month-old brother) on me.
After reading your comments, I've realized a lot. I always knew my mom was a little verbally abusive but you guys helped me see how bad it actually is. I am not supposed to have these many responsibilities at my age and my mom is trying to make me feel otherwise by manipulating me. Her mother is a narcissist (worse than my own mom if you can imagine) and extremely manipulative. Her father has ADD and BPD, so I know for a fact she has inherited some of this behavior from them.
Per your suggestions, I have decided to look into emancipation. In the meantime, I will get my things in order to be able to back myself up. I am looking for a job through my college and I am going to study to get my permit. If I'm able to get my permit this month, I can have my license by February.
I agree that I do need to get out of the house ASAP, but it will most likely be after the new baby is born, unfortunately. I am also deciding where I should live. I'm leaning toward my grandfather because he lives on the other side of the country, and he is at least extremely supportive of me and won't expect me to be his slave.
A lot of you wanted me to move in with my father, but I'm sorry to say he's not the savior you guys want him to be. He and my mother divorced when I was five, but we've never all been a family. I would see him maybe a few times a month, and now we speak once a month if that. He is by no means my dad, just a friend I check in with monthly who happened to get my mom pregnant.
Here's what's happened since I posted. My mom kicked me out of my bathroom and is now making me share with my brother because apparently, I am not able to keep it clean. Mind you, everyone uses this bathroom and she constantly tells me that it's not just my bathroom but of course I am the only one responsible for cleaning it. She has found a way to control my devices through some app that uses wifi to control them. I've gotten three 15-minute rants about how irresponsible I am. I will no longer fight her and just stick to my plan of getting out ASAP. I have switched all my college classes to online as well so I can get up and leave when the time comes.
I am done. Thank you guys so much for the support. Hopefully, when you hear from me again, I'll be out of this house. I want to be a lawyer, I know I can do it. Who knew I could get so much support from Reddit :)
**\*\*\*\*\*Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Throwratroncat/comments/15xjofc/update_on_mom_situation/) **2: August 21, 2023 (1 week from last post)\*\*\*\*\***
So, I have some good news, I guess. I am free to go. My mom got pissed at me today because I was taking care of my dog and my baby brother at the same time and I forgot to fully clean up after my dog. I've been really stressed lately and I guess it just slipped my mind to go back to clean up because I was with my baby brother and then I took him to his bed to sleep and I went to my computer to start schoolwork. Anyway, I was unloading the dishwasher about an hour later and she saw that my dog's toys were where I left them and got really mad at me.
So, I cleaned up and found her in my room. She then complained about how there was a cup in my room (nothing but water is allowed in bedrooms, I had water in the cup) and also that my baby brother's food pouch was under my bed. I didn't know his pouch was there, but he often goes into my room while I'm not in there so that must be why it was in there. She kicks me out of my room and tells me that I can only keep what can fit in a luggage and everything else of mine, she will give away. So now, I don't have a room, I sleep in the living room on an air mattress.
I tried to call my grandmother to ask if I could stay with her for a while but she didn't answer. About ten minutes later, she asked me what was wrong with me, and I let it all out. Not like last time though. I told her and she specifically is the reason for all of my stress and that she makes me feel bad about myself. She actually apologized and gave me a hug and said it was because she's pregnant. She asked why I called my grandmother (they're not on good terms right now) and I told her that I wanted to move out and take my dog with me of course. She was fine with it. Like, a little too fine. She didn't even ask why I wanted to go, she didn't even say she needs to talk it over with my stepfather, she just said I can go.
I'm very happy but a little conflicted. I know I need to go but I keep thinking about my brothers. How much she'll struggle with two babies by herself. She actually seemed like she felt bad when I told her how the way she was acting made me feel. I will go, I know it's right choice regardless of my doubts. I'm going to my grandmother's now because she lives in the same city as my dad (8hrs away, a big city) and it's easier. Meanwhile, I'll get a job, and talk to my grandfather about me moving in with him. I think he will be open to it, he always wants me to visit and he's extremely supportive. I know it's not the biggest update but I feel like getting her permission to go was the part I was most afraid of and I have it so, I wanted to share. :) !!! | 6,532 | 2023-08-28T04:09:49 | NEW UPDATE: AITA for telling my mom she and my baby brother ruined my summer? | NEW UPDATE | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/163bs1c/new_update_aita_for_telling_my_mom_she_and_my/ | false | false | [
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163btzs | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/HistoricalDrawing884](https://www.reddit.com/user/HistoricalDrawing884/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
A palate cleanser for you
**Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15wopv4/aita_for_not_cooking_vegan_food_or_ordering_any/)**: August 20, 2023**
Alright so, I’m a 23 year old woman, I recently started living by myself and I decided to host a housewarming dinner/get together.
The invite list was fairly small, 5 family members and 3 friends. (My apartment is quite small so that was enough to be cramped lol). I called everybody before hand to make sure whatever I was cooking would adhere to dietary restrictions & allergies etc. A few people asked if they were welcome to bring other foods, wine, drinks etc and I said sure.
So it happened last night and I had basically cooked a scaled down thanksgiving meal, smallish turkey, chicken, potatoes, mac and cheese and salad. I was also expecting other people to bring stuff and almost everyone did, it turned into kind of a potluck situation.
My brother ended up coming a bit late which isn’t too unusual, but he had a woman who he introduced as his girlfriend in tow. I didn’t really have a problem with it. I was thinking it would’ve been nice for him to tell me she was coming but from the way he explained it it was a last minute decision.
We’re all standing around my tiny table praying & when we’re done it’s time for food. My brothers girlfriend asked what was vegan at the table and said she’d been eyeing a few things. I said I personally hadn’t cooked anything vegan, but one of my friends who is vegetarian had. It was some kind of stuffed peppers thing.
I wasn’t expecting to have a vegan so I wasn’t prepared but his girlfriend seemed really upset. My brother pulled me aside about an hour after and said it wasn’t really good hosting to only have 1 dish for her to eat. To be fair, she did look sort of left out just eating stuffed peppers and i did feel bad, but when my brother suggested I order her some food to make up for it I said no.
Vegan food is quite expensive where I live and I had already gone over my budget for the month with my dinner. I told him he was definitely welcome to order it, but I personally couldn’t afford another $25-$30 on one meal for her.
There was no big scene or anything, he stayed until the end of the night and she stayed too, i told her she was welcome to raid the fridge because i was sure I had some foods suited to her but she didn’t take me up on that offer.
This morning however, he called and said that I should’ve at least ordered for her, considering I only had one dish she could eat, and that it was insulting to her being told she could go through the fridge “like some rat or something.”
Now I’m conflicted, last night I didn’t feel that bad for not ordering but today I do based on what he said and how she felt. AITA?
I’m not too familiar with Reddit, so feel free to lmk if I haven’t been clear or formatted this wrong. TIA.
So this part on is an edit:
I read through most of the comments so far and I’d like to clarify that his girlfriend didn’t say anything mean or demanding to me, and I’m fairly sure she never intended for me to hear the rat thing. She seemed like a sweet girl, just I guess she felt out of place. I appreciate the people giving fair comments but some of you are just being mean to her, which i ask you kindly not to do when giving your opinion. Thank you!
**Update (Same Post): August 21, 2023 (Next Day)**
UPDATE:
So this morning I woke up to a message from my brother’s girlfriend. As many of you suggested, she wasn’t aware that she wasn’t formally invited. My brother had forgotten to ask and simply assumed she’d be welcome (which she was of course).
My friend who is vegetarian transitioned from being vegan a few months ago, and my brother was aware that she was coming & assumed that there would be more options because of her being there. He was not aware that she is no longer vegan.
She apologized for seeming down, and if she had ruined the dinner — which I assured her she had not. She basically explained that she was expecting more from what my brother had said and was jus a little disappointed.
There are no hard feelings surrounding it, as I said before, very sweet girl, she was just in an uncomfortable situation in an unfamiliar place with people she was meeting for the first time.
Lastly, to answer a few questions :
* The closest vegan place to us is about 30 minutes away, meaning that I would’ve probably had to order it in and pay a delivery fee. This, plus the cost for the food is what would’ve made it so expensive.
* The salad was not vegan as it had croutons in it, so yes, she was only eating the stuffed peppers.
* My brother did not bring a dish, but he brought drinks.
* My brother is 19, his girlfriend goes to school with him so I’d assume she is the same age.
* My father already talked to my brother about how he was wrong, and I have since received an apology from him as well.
Thank you for all of the kind words & advice. I was planning to act on some of it, but my brother and his girlfriend beat me too it with their explanations / apologies!
All in all, the situation has been rectified fine, no big explosions or anything — sorry to disappoint those who were anticipating a cursing match! | 4,661 | 2023-08-28T04:12:24 | AITA For Not Cooking Vegan Food Or Ordering Any At A Housewarming Dinner? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/163btzs/aita_for_not_cooking_vegan_food_or_ordering_any/ | false | false | [
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1647uhf | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is still** [u/Dragonflymeadow](https://www.reddit.com/user/Dragonflymeadow/). She posted in r/TwoHotTakes.
I made a BORU post with her original posts [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15rhote/i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend_is_purposely/).
**New Update is marked with \*\*\*\*\*\***
**Trigger Warning:** >!abuse!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!hopeful ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15j95um/i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend_is_purposely/)**: August 5, 2023**
Trigger warning for domestic abuse
So my(F26) friend Kay( F26) has been dating Andrew( M25) for almost a year now. Honestly until these last months I really liked them together and he has assimilated into our friend group really well. He’s been easy to talk to and is someone who I thought could be the perfect match to Kay.
In the beginning Andrew has always been known for being clumsy, occasionally spilling on himself, tripping and sometimes just being an overall goof, we joked he was the poster child of a “himbo.”
It started with a simple mistake, Andrew spilling wine on Kay’s outfit. He seemed so apologetic, and genuinely sorry. Then a couple days later at a potluck, Andrew bumps into Kay while she was bringing out a salad bowl causing it to fall on her foot and giving her a pretty nasty bruise. Again apologetic, but this time just rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed awkward the way he had bumped into her. Then their were just more of these “accidents”like ripping a dress when he was falling trying to catch his balance, dropping a bowl of chocolate ice cream on her shoes, and spilling an ash tray that landed all over her hair. All of this is just giving me a weird feeling, like why does it feel like his clumsiness is getting worse?
Recently we were having a movie night, Kay was sitting on the floor and I had gotten up from the couch to get some more popcorn when I see Andrew walking over with hot tea, I’m thinking no way I’m going to have her get piping hot tea spilled on her by “accident”. So I get up and say “ oh thanks for grabbing this, do you mind grabbing me popcorn since your closest” he kindof gets a defensive tone with me saying “ yeah but let me give this to Kay first” I said “ no it’s not a problem I’ll give it to her!” as sweet as possible and took the mug out of his hands and gave it to Kay. He seemed kindof distant the whole rest of the evening.
I talked with one of my friends in our group just about the tea drama and she said that Andrew might have been pissed off feeling like I was babying him. I think that if he’s been prone to hurting his girlfriend wouldn’t he want to avoid situations that could get her seriously hurt? Wouldn’t you want a friend to help you? Am I just overthinking this? I want to talk to Kay about my concerns soon because I’m really scared for her, I just want to be wise in how I speak to her because I don’t want her to take anything I say the wrong way. Any advice would be so helpful!
Edit: Okay after a lot of comments I reached out to Kay, we’re meeting up one on one and I’ll talk with her then. I’m still figuring out exactly what I want to say but you have all been so helpful and I will keep you posted on how everything goes.
**Update: August 6, 2023 (Same Post, Next Day)**
hi all, This evening I got a text from Andrew, it seems my friend (who I’ll be referring to as Sarah) had told him about the tea situation. He texted “ hey, just wanted to reach out and let you know that I wasn’t pissed with you” I played it cool and just replied “ hey, no problem man just wanted to make sure all was good with you” He messaged me back that “ lol, yeah why wouldn’t I be” I left it alone after that.
I reached out to Sarah and asked to how the story was relaid to him and she explained that it sort of came up in conversation. She had told him that I hadn’t meant to baby him and hoped I didn’t make him pissed by taking away the tea cup. Sarah is a fixer and I think she just wanted any conflict between us to be resolved. While I know she was coming from a good place I am a bit frustrated to have my words twisted into what she believes happened.
I messaged Kay and we are still hanging out either early Monday or Tuesday. She seem to be fine with me. We had a quick call but she seemed less talkative which has me nervous. I really hope I didn’t screw everything up.
After a lot of comments I’ve decided I’m going to be careful with my wording. A lot of you have pointed out Andrew could have a medical condition, while I’m a bit skeptical I will keep this in mind. Hopefully my concerns can be addressed in a way that flows with our conversation.
Thank you all for your feedback even if some was harsh and to all who have shared DV stories I’m so sorry you had ever received any mistreatment, you deserve happiness and safety. I’ll be posting an update as soon as we have our talk or anything changes.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Clarification:*
"He’s only being clumsy with her, in fact I’d say it’s become more focused on her."
"Sorry should’ve been more clear in my writing, Andrew’s clumsiness while apparent was always self inflicted like a small spill or mostly tripping abit over his feet. It’s been only recently with his behavior it’s become more pointed towards Kay. Like he’s rarely been him being the injured or spilled on party, it’s now been only Kay."
*Does he do it when she's particular proud of/happy in an outfit?*
"The dress he ripped was her one of her favorites, and she had to go home early because it ripped in the cleavage area and she was more so embarrassed. The the ash tray being dumped on her hair was when she was wearing her hair natural, curly, when she mostly straightens it. But she’ll have her hair natural randomly and nothing happens"
"Also he totally ruined her white heals with the chocolate ice cream"
*OOP realizes something a few comments later:*
"That’s something I’ve been thinking about and writing it all down I just realized, All the accidents have to do with her looks. Spilling on her outfits, bumping into her when she’s wearing a dress, chocolate ice cream on her shoes, those were white heels. I know that’s just speculation. Someone else said it could be a munchausen by proxy situation. Overall just solidifies that i just need to talk to her, which I am this week."
"Also her reaction to these accidents is always quick to try to move on. She is somewhat introverted and doesn’t like attention so she’s just quick to say she’s fine and move on from it. She’ll tell Andrew that she forgives him and just to be careful."
*This seems sinister because it seems like he's trying to see what he can get away with:*
"That’s what has been hard, I’ve felt like I’ve been the only friend to notice. Like no one else seems to want to believe that Andrew’s doing this on purpose because we’ve known him to be this clumsy guy. I mean who wants to believe someone’s doing this on purpose."
*Does this happen in front of others or also with just the two of them?*
"From what I understand he’s always had these accidents in front of friends, not when it’s the two of them. And when ever it happens he gets really apologetic and he’s never laughed about it. But it just feels so weird like he’s being so over the top like he once said “I would hate myself if I seriously hurt you” I don’t know that just came off so odd to me for his usual character who typically a silly guy."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15m46dr/update_i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend_is/)**: August 8, 2023 (3 days from OG post)**
Hi all sorry for the delay, a lot has gone on. So I talked to Kay this morning. I started off the conversation normal, when Kay says “ hey why were you concerned about Andrew bringing me tea?” I just say “I had noticed he’d been more clumsy lately and I wanted to avoid either of you of getting hurt.” Shes was quiet for a bit then asks me “do you think it’s odd how he’s been acting?” considering all your advice I respond with “ I care about you and want you to be safe, I don’t want to hurt you or Andrew but I feel like most of the accidents have come at your expense. I don’t want it to get to a point where you have a worse injury.”
This is when Kay burst out crying like I have never seen. After composing herself enough to talk she says shes been so suspicious of how these accidents have been centered around her and how validating it was to have someone feel the same way. It’s been causing her a lot of anxiety and she felt so relieved when I took the tea cup away from him. She has tried to suggest to Andrew that he should go to a doctor, but he just says he’s perfectly fine. Kay is not confrontational so she just drops it.
She said how recently Sarah, Andrew and her were all hanging out together. Sarah told Andrew I was so upset about how he was hesitant to hand me the tea cup, a completely different story from what Sarah told me. I have been more open with my emotions in my post due to my anonymity, but in person I was very casual about the situation. I said something along the lines of “ hey did you think I upset Andrew by taking the tea when I asked him to get me popcorn, I hope I didn’t come off rude.”
Then Kay told me something really disturbing, how during this conversation Andrew and Sarah started joking about Kay being a “battered wife.” How ridiculous the idea would be if Andrew was really abusing her and some really dark jokes. This had Kay feeling like she was crazy to think that these accidents might be on purpose. Also they had said some things about me that made her so upset she couldn’t even tell me.
Kay said she’s felt trapped, living with him and how he’s intertwined in our group. She felt like she needed to wait to have proof he was faking it to make it worth “ a bunch of drama.” I feel horrible that she’s felt so alone in this. I was pretty blunt and just asked “ do you still love him?” she responded “ I don’t, I think I don’t even like him anymore.”
So we talked about the best way for Kay to leave Andrew, being as safe as possible. Kay called in sick to work and we went over to her house and talked with our friend Leah, her roommate. Andrew was out at work, so we quickly moved all their things into Leah’s room, she has a key to her door. Anything that was super sentimental to either of them we packed in my car. Kay is going to stay at my house and Leah wanted to stay with a family member who lives not too far away.
Kay has written a letter to Andrew ending things, she is going full no contact. She set a date that she expects him to leave, he moved in with them so he doesn’t have his name on the lease. Our friends Mike and Corey will be staying at the house. This is to insure nothing will be damaged due to an “accident” also to let Kay and Leah know when it’s safe to come back.
Thank you all so much for your advice, tomorrow I plan to go on a little shopping spree with Kay. Doing everything I can to alleviate her anxiety. So far we know Andrew has seen the note and is packing to leave. So far so good, If anything happens I’ll be sure to update you all.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Wtf is up with Sarah:*
"This is what is so odd to me, I said Sarah was a fixer because she has always been the “ mom friend” wanting everyone to be safe and happy. I’ve never noticed anything between them, just normal banter we all have with one another. I just don’t know why she’s going to bat for him so hard."
"We had a call we’re she was very mean to put it mildly, she was very angry at me, like I was the one who cause all this as well as some very personal attacks. I think Andrew is telling her something because this isn’t who I knew her to be at all. Or maybe she has always been but has simply masked it?"
*Did Kay ever tell you what Sarah said about you?*
"I told Kay vaguely about what Sarah said on the phone call and asked if it was similar and she confirmed. Being vague as possible, It has to do with my families issues with addiction and situations happening due to that. I had told our friends in confidence. Knowing she’s used it to weaponize it against me and has told Andrew has my skin crawl."
*Other friends and their reactions to Kay and Sarah:*
"Awe thank you, I’m so glad too. Kay is safe and we will do all we can to keep it that way. All of our friends ( except Sarah) have been a huge help in Kay’s healing during this time. It’s been amazing to be apart of and witness."
"We’ve all since blocked her, her comments towards Kay and Me have not been tolerated by our group. Hopefully this is the wake up call she needs."
*Safety:*
"Luckily I found this comment again, cause thanks to this we bought one of those camera detectors, waiting for it to arrive still. They have 4 months left on their lease and are considering moving but nothing is set in stone. He’s already moved out and Mike and Corey had him hand over the key to the apartment. But we’re still waiting till locks are changed and the detector arrived to help Kay and Leah move back in."
**\*\*\*\*\*Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15yflq2/final_update_i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend/)**: August 22, 2023 (2 weeks from last post, 2.5 weeks from OG post)\*\*\*\*\***
Final update to post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15m46dr/update_i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
First off Kay is safe. I want to thank everyone for their advice it has been a huge help! Per someone’s comment we got that detector that finds hidden cameras. Mike and Corey searched everywhere and found nothing. They also have searched for spy ware on Kay’s phone and laptop, also looked for tracking devices and nothing was found. Locks have since been changed and after a lot of consideration Kay and Leah have decided to not move due to financial reasons. But for their safety they’ve decided to have Mike live with them, he works remote so he doesn’t have to leave for work and will be at the house most of the time so Kay or Leah wouldn’t be home alone. Corey got a ring camera for Kay, also our friend group have code words and safety questions with Kay (which I really recommend anyone leaving a DV situation to do)
So last week Sarah had dropped by one of our friends house to leave a letter for Kay in her mailbox. It was very odd, it was written from both Sarah and Andrew’s perspectives. Saying how hurt they were, that the way they have been treated was so unfair. That it isn’t healthy to go from being someones “everything” to just shutting them out entirely. They said how they were happier without “outside influences” and hoped Kay could find the freedom they had found together. They stated a lot of gross comments about personal struggles of myself and others in the friend group to paint us as crazy people. They ended it with how they just wanted to move on, that this was their goodbye and that they would welcome her back if she ever wanted to reach out to them but would respect her wishes to go NC.
We all don’t know if this is their way of saying their together or what, it’s incredibly odd. Some of our friends think it’s an invitation to an open relationship. Either way we haven’t heard from them since.
Kay has opened up with her counselor and us about her stories with Andrew, she has come to believe his accidents were a tactic to control her appearance. Apparently he had a thing for a certain aesthetic and would want her to dress in that way. Behind the scenes he would remark how her looks wouldn’t “show off her figure” and how it would be more flattering for her to wear (certain aesthetic) because it would “just look better.” He would even make jokes about her outfits and overall style. When she would tell him to stop he would get apologetic and say he was just trying to be funny. There are other factors as well but those risk Kay’s anonymity, but all revolved around her appearance.
Kay is amazing, she has been so strong throughout this process. She’s said it feels like a heavy burden has been lifted. She is truly special and she deserves true peace and happiness. Our friend group has really gone above and beyond to support Kay which is the least we can do. Thank you all for pushing me to say something, it validated what Kay and a lot of our friends were feeling. I will let you know if anything changes but hopefully Sarah and Andrew will leave Kay alone.
***Relevant Comments:***
*The letter:*
"It was really odd, it’s also typed so I don’t know if they both wrote it together or if one of them wrote it."
*More on Sarah:*
"I have no clue what’s going on with her and it’s been really sad for all of us to somewhat mourn who we thought she was. I go back and forth on if this has always been who she is or if Andrew has this weird influence over her." | 12,083 | 2023-08-29T04:01:05 | Final Update: I think my friends “clumsy” boyfriend is purposely hurting her | NEW UPDATE | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1647uhf/final_update_i_think_my_friends_clumsy_boyfriend/ | false | false | [
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1647uyp | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Simplistic\_Curiosity](https://www.reddit.com/user/Simplistic_Curiosity/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Short palate cleanser for you.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!mostly positive ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15wpm4u/wibta_for_cancelling_my_graduation_dinner_just_a/)**: August 20, 2023**
I just graduated with a BA in humanities this year. Yeah I know it’s not the most prestigious of degrees but at least it’s something and I was able to pay my entire way without loans or my parents paying for any of it. I was a fully online student and I was not close enough to the school to make it to the physical ceremony.
Recently my degree arrived in the mail and my aunt and grandfather mentioned it would be a great idea to go out for a celebratory dinner. I agreed as this was the kind of low key event I can handle. We started up a group chat with my brother, mother, father, aunt, grandfather, and I to arrange a good day we would all be free. That was supposed to be today.
As I was sitting by the pool with my parents we got to talking about the dinner and they revealed they would not be attending. I had no idea considering they had been in the group chat and had been coordinating on days they would not be free. I was upset and told them I’d just cancel then as I have no interest in just going out with my aunt, grandfather, and brother. They are telling me it’s too late to cancel and I’d be the AH if I did.
I just wanted to celebrate with my parents and I felt this was such a small thing to ask. Even if I did go, I feel like it would be apparent that I’m not in a good mood which wouldn’t be fun for anyone involved. So, WIBTA if I cancelled? We had no reservations so there would be no cancellation fees or money lost.
**Top Comment:**
"YTA Not for canceling, but for putting down the achievement of getting a BA. It's a privilege, not something to be ashamed of."
OOP: "Honestly it was really nice t see this comment. I’ve gotten so used to people telling me my degree is useless that I’ve just started saying it myself so I don’t have to hear it anymore."
***OOP is voted a soft YTA because the other members of OOP's family still want to celebrate***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15xrk6j/update_wibta_for_cancelling_my_graduation_dinner/)**: August 21, 2023 (Next Day)**
First of all, thank you to those who congratulated and encouraged me to not look at my degree as useless. I’m so used to people telling me how irrelevant a BA in humanities is that I’ve just started to accept and believe it myself.
Now on the update:
I accepted my judgement as the AH and went to dinner without my parents. I got a free meal out of it and my aunt was very interested to hear about my future work in my degree’s field. Both her and my grandfather even brought gifts which I had not expected or asked for so all in all, I’m glad I went.
My aunt apologized for my parent’s absence despite it not being remotely her fault, but it was nice to see someone recognize how hurt I was over it. I’m not currently talking to my parents. Im hoping for an apology but I’m not holding my breath. I’ll likely bring it up on our next meetup though, just to clear the air. Thanks again.
***Relevant Comments:***
*What's your parents' deal? Have they always been this douchy?*
"Tensions are still a bit high right now, but it seems to have come down to a miscommunication. I hadn't wanted a huge celebration so when the dinner was suggested, they assumed it wasn't such a big deal to me and I didn't clearly communicate that the size of the party didn't matter but their presence did."
*What happened with your brother? Did he come?*
"He came as well, which turned it into a double congratulatory dinner since he graduated earlier this year." | 4,558 | 2023-08-29T04:01:41 | WIBTA for cancelling my graduation dinner just a few hours before hand? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1647uyp/wibta_for_cancelling_my_graduation_dinner_just_a/ | false | false | [
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1648b6c | # REMINDER: I am not the OOP, the OOP is u/notsogood2017.
#[POST 5th April 2017: 4yro ran out of house. Feeling like the worst](https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/comments/63l94x/4yro_ran_out_of_house_feeling_like_the_worst/)
I'm feeling really low right now. My 4 year old son got up this morning and laid down in bed with me. He got up a few minutes later asking where daddy was and I told him he went to work.
After a couple minutes he jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. I didn't think anything of it because he does this often. Usually he heads to the playroom. So I stayed in bed trying to wake up and next thing I know, my doorbell is going off. I run downstairs to see the door to the garage wide open and the garage door up. I realized then my son had run out.
I open the door and a very nice neighbor lady handed him over to me and I just instantly busted into tears. A mix of disbelief, embarrassment, and the terrible things that could have happened to him flooded my mind. The woman was so nice and I can't express how thankful of her I am.
But now I'm sitting here thinking how terrible of a mom I am for allowing this to happen. I feel sick. I'm embarrassed to go out and i feel like I can't leave my son in a different room anymore.
#[UPDATE: 7th April 2017](https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/comments/641jl2/update_4yro_ran_out_of_house_feeling_like_the/)
First, I want to say thank you. You all made me feel so much better about the situation.
We have installed a new lock on the door and also moved the garage door opener so he can't reach it.
I've been talking to my son about what happened and I'm thinking he understands that what he did was wrong. I'm hoping he knows to not try and do something like that again.
We brought the neighbour some flowers she can plant if she likes and a card to thank her. She was so nice and we also got to meet her husband. They invited us to come over whenever and to play in the yard during the summer. I'm so glad that she was there to help my little guy.
I'm still feeling some embarrassment and definitely guilt over what happened but I'm able to tell myself (and read your stories) that it happens to a lot of people.
Again thank you all for your support!
#OOP's account has not been updated since. | 5,242 | 2023-08-29T04:24:51 | OOP's four year old runs out of the door | CONCLUDED | Confident-Addition76 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1648b6c/oops_four_year_old_runs_out_of_the_door/ | false | false | [
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1648j7q | I am not the OOP. Originally posted by u/Funny-Spend-480 in r/TrueOffMyChest on January 15 2023.
**Trigger warning:** >! Death, child abandonment !<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!happy!<
[Original Post: 4 days ago, I think I met my long lost sister.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10cspoz/4_days_ago_i_think_i_met_my_long_lost_sister/)
Growing up, I was told by my adoptive parents that I was adopted at 10 months old. They’re always open about it. They framed up a picture of me and my parents and place it in my room so I would always remember them. They even tracked down their grave and take me there once every 2 years, we’ll have a little picnic and they will ask me to share my achievements with my biological parents. They didn’t change my last name to theirs and allowed me to decide whether I want to change it which I did in my teens.
I’m now 27F, I’m a nurse and I live on my own with my cat, Abu, and just a few hours away from my adoptive parents. I have a neighbour, let's call her Anna. She’s a Marine biologist, married and has 3 kids. We often chat when we bump into each other in the hallway or her kids will come over to my place to play with my cat.
4 days ago, I got a knock on my door and it was Anna. Turns out her nanny MIA on her at the last minute and is already late for a close friend’s wedding and was wondering if I can watch the kids for a couple of hours while they’re gone. She asked me if I can watch them at her apartment instead since her youngest is sleeping. I grabbed my stuff and went over next door. We played dolls, played pretend and ordered food and watched a movie after that. So I told the kids to keep their toys before the food arrive and while we were at it, I saw something that made my heart drop.
I saw a picture of my parents. They look so much younger and it was a different picture from what I had. I asked Anna’s kids if they knew who these people were. They told me they have no idea who it was. My curiosity grew more and more. I texted my adoptive parents if they knew I have any siblings. They told me they were not too certain but in the adoption profile, it stated that I’m alone and without any siblings.
A few hours later and Anna got home. I was inquisitive to know and I couldn’t wait any longer. I asked Anna who are this young couple. Anna told me it was her parents and they died when she was 6. She was then raised by her aunt. I was shocked, I feel like throwing up. This can’t be real. I have a sister.
I went home and did some social engineering. I went on Facebook, and Instagram to see what I can find. I found the profile of an old lady who I believe is the one that raised Anna. I see that she refers to Anna as her “daughter” and I was looking at pictures and I found a rather similar picture to what my adoptive parents gave me just without me in it. I called my adoptive parents, crying telling them what I found. They drive for hours to come to me and when I showed them, the three of us cried together. They told me that I should let her know. I don’t know if I should because it seems like she doesn’t know that I existed.
[Update: Posted in the comment section by OOP January 20, 2023](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10cspoz/4_days_ago_i_think_i_met_my_long_lost_sister/j54gnyv/?context=3)
I just remembered this when I saw my own post on TikTok. Thank you everyone for your kind words and I really appreciate all the encouragement.
I gathered myself and yes, I spoke to Anna. I invited her to my apartment, away from her kids so the both of us can sit down and talk about it. I showed her the picture that I have. She's as confused as I am. I told her that we might be sisters. I could see the tears building up at the edge of her eyes. She told me she wants to be excused. She left my apartment and I thought that was it. For a while, there's so much of what ifs. What if she’s a cousin? What if the baby in the photo is not me? What if there was a mixed up at the adoption home?
A few minutes later, she knocked on my apartment door. She brought her laptop, the photo of her parents and her phone. We compared our pictures and yes, they're the same person. I showed my birth certificate and how I changed my last name during my teens as well as my adoption papers. I told her that I have a birthmark on the left side of my butt cheek, and yes, she remembered!
We looked at each other and we started sobbing. She came to hug me and told me that at times she couldn’t believe that I'm gone because she loves me so much. She told me how she thought I was dead and that broke her. She video-called her aunt, the one that raised her. Let’s call her Lucy. When Anna introduced me to Aunt Lucy, she looked horrified. She even asked if Anna got mixed up because she was pretty sure I was dead. We showed her my birth certificate and all the adoption documents and once she saw there was evidence, she started crying and kept on apologising.
Aunt Lucy was hesitating at first, but we told her how we deserve to know the truth. So here goes the side of the story that I never knew.
Firstly, my parents died in 2 separate accidents. My mum and I met with an accident first. I was fine but my mum suffered multiple injuries and when my father got to know, he rushed to the hospital to meet my mum, but he lost control of his car and crashed onto the road divider. Both died at the same hospital, just minutes apart. She was then told that I died too. My sister got sick shortly after my parent's death and couldn’t attend the funeral. My parents were well-to-do.
My dad was a Marine Biologist, just like Anna and my mom was a General Surgeon. We have an uncle, let's call him John. So apparently, Aunt Lucy and Uncle John needed money. Aunt Lucy has lots of kids hence she couldn’t afford to raise both of us while Uncle john and his wife were into travelling and could use some money for their adventures. I have no idea how but somehow, they managed to get whatever our parents have left us and split it into 2. I was given to Uncle John, but he must have placed me at an adoption home and then fled the country. All this while, Aunt Lucy knew about me and how I was placed at an adoption home, but she chooses to keep quiet.
A few years after I was sent to the adoption home, Uncle John and his wife came back to the nursing to get me back, but they learned that I was already adopted. It’s sad to learn his motives were to receive government reimbursement while I was under their foster care. I felt extremely lucky to be adopted by a family who loved, cared for, and raised me like their own. My adoptive parents were a mature couple when they adopted me, they tried to conceive for so many years but it failed and so it resulted in me being adopted and they told me it was the best decision they’d ever made.
Anna is not speaking to Aunt lucy now, she told me how she felt betrayed and deceived all these while denying a sibling love just for her own personal gain. She’s even looking into taking legal action against both of them. Me and Anna embraced for a long time. There’s a lot to catch up and I’m excited that I’m an aunt to 3 beautiful kids. The feeling is foreign but the feeling of being loved by a sibling is beyond words.Thank you all for your time.
*I reached out to OOP to see if she had any more updates for us but marked as Concluded since she hasn't posted anything else in months and I don't expect to hear back from her. If I do I'll edit this post with the new update.* | 6,979 | 2023-08-29T04:36:14 | OP sees that her neighbor has a picture of her own biological parents | CONCLUDED | Sw33tSkitty | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1648j7q/op_sees_that_her_neighbor_has_a_picture_of_her/ | false | false | [
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164aexk | **I am NOT OP.**
**Original post by** u/Special-Soup1839 **in** r/TrueOffMyChest **and** r/offmychest
trigger warnings: >!false allegation of stealing!<
mood spoilers: >!positive as it can be!<
[**I broke up with my then bf 3 months ago because I thought he had stolen 846 dollars from me. I just found the money.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15u3ab0/i_broke_up_with_my_then_bf_3_months_ago_because_i/) **- 18th August 2023**
I can't say this on my main account and I need to write this out but oh my God, I fucked up. I fucked up badly. I just found the money. It was in the chest of drawers i put it in but the drawer I put it in had a small opening in the back(I didn't know it was there) and the envelope of money fell down there. I would never have discovered it but the drawers broke so I was taking the chest apart and there was the envelope. It's the same envelope because it has my handwriting on it and the receipt from the bank.
I have to apologize but this is going to be so bad. I told my friends and family about this, about how I suspected that he had stolen from me since he was the only one in my house that day. No one else had a key and I haven't left that room or my house with the money. God, he lost mutual friends because of me. I ended a 2 year relationship over this. I just didn't believe him when he said he didn't take it. I hurt him for no reason and then I blocked him. A apology won't be enough. I'm going to contact him tomorrow and then I'll tell everyone else. Wow, I fucked up.
**Top Comments**
u/Positive_Dinner_1140
After you apologize to him you need to make sure you tell everyone. I doubt he will want to speak to anyone who didn’t believe him but they still should know the truth.
u/Choice-Intention-926
>You have to defend him as loud as you slandered him.
u/ilove-squirrels
>Over 30 years ago I lived with a guy that I really, really loved. His sister came to visit and lost a couple hundred dollars. I got blamed for taking it. It was ugly. I cried so hard and just couldn't understand how anybody would think I would steal from them, especially him. We split up.
>
>She found it not long after I left.
>
>Even this many years later I think about that every now and then and it still hurts that I was called a thief when they were the ones that lost their own money. I lost some friends during all that.
>
>It sucks.
​
[**I'm meeting up tomorrow with my ex who I thought stole 846 dollars from me. I was wrong since I found the money.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15w57d4/im_meeting_up_tomorrow_with_my_ex_who_i_thought/) **- 20th August 2023**
Posting here since it was removed in another group.
I'm meeting up with him tomorrow. A little after my first post, I logged off and messaged him on social media. He read it within minutes and messaged me back, "We have to meet in person to talk about this." He didn't want to discuss it further online and tomorrow is the only day we are both available to meet.
I do want to say that anything that I post here isn't an attempt to get sympathy or justify what I did. I'm aware what I did is wrong. I'm also not trying to get back with my ex or be in his life in any way. All I'm trying to do is apologize.
The reason I made this second post versus doing an edit on the first one is because I don't know if edits are allowed and I don't want the first post to be removed. Obviously I can't undo what I did but maybe someone who is about to do a rash decision might read it and realize how one decision can really mess up someone's life and to maybe think about it before they do it.
When I made my post, and realized it was getting popular, I thought about deleting it and I almost did multiple times. There's nothing like having thousands of people tell you how wrong you were to really drive home the fact that you fucked up in a major way.
After messaging my ex, I then went and talked to everyone I told in person which was my immediate family, and our two mutual friends. When I broke up with my ex, I only told my family and those two friends that I couldnt find my money and thought he had taken it. My family and those two friends were shocked but believed me.
After messaging my ex, I told everyone the truth that I found the money and they were all stunned. My dad was really disappointed because though I never discussed it, he thought I had concrete proof for ending it. One of my friends was livid and went straight to apologize. The other friend's reaction was unexpected and she just said ok and said she wasn't planning to message him. In addition to those people, I have told the guy I'm dating, and the new friends I have made just so everything is clear.
I asked my family and two friends, "is there anyone else you told so I can clear things up". My mom had told a few family members and I called them and told them what happened. They live out of the country and would never meet him. They also didn't really remember but the general viewpoint I got from all of them was that I had to be careful with what I said because it could hurt someone.
I then asked the two friends, one who said they had told her bf and the other one said no one. The one with the bf, who wasn't planning to message my ex, forbid me from talking to her bf and so it ended there. What I have done is told my family and two friends to give my number out if they remember the people they told and if that person wants clarification from me. I don't care who it is. They can call me and I will clear it up.
I thought about making a public apology online but I can't really do that now because this situation is too specific. I also really don't want random Internet people knowing who I am especially because of the messages I have gotten privately.
Just a quick comment about these private messages: I appreciate the messages I have gotten from people who have been affected by rash decisions/lies from others or people who have done what I did and how it affected the other person's life. It has made me realize how badly I could have ruined my ex's life and I still don't know the extent to which I did though I told a few people.
However, there are the other messages, the ones where people are hateful, angry, racist(I never said what race I was) or misogynistic(never said what gender I am and some of you really hate women). I just want to say, the person who hurt you, I'm not her/him/them. Ok, im sorry that happened to you but saying hateful things to me isn't going to help you in any way and isn't going to stop you from feeling the way you feel. Going a step further and wishing that Im tortured, raped or murdered is even worse. So maybe work on that and I realize that's ironic coming from me but when you go to these extremes, youre even more screwed up than I am.
It's only been two days but that's basically it. This is probably going to be a long process for me but yeah these are the consequences. So I'm doing what I can. Yes I am aware that this doesn't fix what I did. I am aware that nothing I can do will fix it but I have to at least try to make amends.
**Top Comments**
u/dunnndunnnDUNNN
>Glad to see that you're taking massive accountability of your mistake. Hope there is another update after you've talked with your ex, but wishing you the best of luck in cleaning up this mess.
u/this-guy-
>It's impressive that you took steps to repair the ex partner's reputation. I've had friends and colleagues make a few mistaken assumptions in the past, and I suspect that if any of them discovered their error they'd be more likely to find a justification for their actions and leave the error in place. So, even though you won't be able to repair things completely you will at least have made some effort to atone for your mistake.
​
**Flaired as ongoing as we may get more updates on how the OOP is trying to make amends.**
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 2,977 | 2023-08-29T06:20:40 | I broke up with my then bf 3 months ago because I thought he had stolen 846 dollars from me. I just found the money. | ONGOING | Stephenallen1977 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/164aexk/i_broke_up_with_my_then_bf_3_months_ago_because_i/ | false | false | [
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164dkmx | **I am NOT OP. Original posts were made by u/alternative_sink_483 in r/offmychest** and on her page.
This is my first post here, so please do let me know if there's anything I should change (and especially if there are any formatting errors).
This was originally posted on BORU by u/prettiergenghis last November 11, 2022 [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ytsdsr/oop_ive_found_out_why_my_husband_hides_his_best/)
The newest update can be found after the 🔴🔴🔴
trigger warnings: >!Infidelity!<
mood spoilers: >!Looks like OOP will be okay!<
---
[**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/yjk8uw/ive_found_out_why_my_husband_hides_his_best/) - Posted November 2, 2022
**I've found out why my husband hides his best friend from me, and I don't think there's anything I can do about it.**
I'm writing this on a throwaway, because I have friends that use reddit on occasion.
I (26f) have been married to my husband Dylan (26m) for three years. We got together in when we were seventeen, but we've known each other since the fourth grade. I love my husband, he's the total package. Funny, sweet, smart, and attractive. He's made my life amazing, and he's who I fully intended on spending the rest of my life with.
We attended all the same schools from the time we met, up until college. In that time we've both made our own friend groups. He's been more connected with his friends than I have, and because of that I've become a part of the group as well, I'd like to think. In that time, I've been at around 50% of their group hangouts, mostly because of my job, but sometimes I'm just straight up not invited.
I didn't question any of this because hey, they're his friends, he doesn't see them nearly as often as he sees me, it's not my business.
My husband met his best friend, Karo (27m), long before he met me. I knew almost nothing about Karo up until recently. He wasn't at our wedding, nor did he attend any of the same schools as us, and I was under the impression he wasn't friends with anyone in our group. I thought all of this was because of his line of work, as I was told he traveled a lot.
Last year me and my husband went to a bbq hosted by another couple in the group. Karo was there. I didn't recognize him at first, but when I realized who he was, I was honestly kind of shocked. I'd seen him in person before, but he always kept a very very good distance from me, which I'm realizing now was intentional. Anyways, he's totally stunning, he looks like he could be a supermodel.
When I attempted to make conversation with him, he seemed really nervous and totally shut me down after a few sentences. When I mentioned this behavior to anyone else, they also shut me down, saying things like "That's just how he is" Or "Maybe you said something that offended him". In short, no one would tell me anything about Karo, at all. Any conversation that involved him was a no-go.
At the end of that night, I tried talking to Dylan about his behavior. He told me Karo didn't like me. I was confused, because I'd hardly seen him in person at all, let alone actually talked to him. The excuse my husband gave was that he disliked me because I 'cheated' on my husband once in college, and Karo was too stubborn to let it go.
I've seen Karo less than a dozen times since then, mostly at birthday parties, huge get-togethers, and on one occasion he came to our house to watch a football game with my husband and a few of their other buddies.
Anyways, a few weeks ago my husband 'went fishing' with his 'cousin'. That same night, I had some of the girls in our friend group over for a girls night type thing. Lily, (24f) was scrolling through some social media. I was glancing over her shoulder when I saw a selfie of Dylan and Karo sitting next to each other in a hottub. The selfie had been posted maybe 30 minutes ago. I asked lily about what I had seen, and she went pale. She tried saying nothing, but I snatched the phone from her and went to the profile that posted the photo.
The profile belonged to my husband. It was a private profile, and scrolling through the photos, most of them were dirty jokes or memes, but the rest of them were photos of him and Karo. Either they were hanging out alone, or with the rest of the group, minus me. Most of the photos they seemed way too close, too touchy, or doing things that seem too personal or intimate for friends to be doing. I spent a good ten minutes looking before I couldn't take it anymore.
I was horrified. All of the photos were dated to nights my husband told me he was working late, hanging out with this relative or that, times that he'd told me he was doing something else, and obviously hangouts i wasn't invited too.
Lily just sat there looking dumb. She didn't say anything, but all the girls were looking at us like a bomb had just gone off. They clearly knew what I had seen, and their reactions were enough to confirm exactly what I was afraid of. I was livid. I started yelling, Lily was crying, and the rest of the girls were freaking out.
When I started to calm down and demanded that they explain what was going on, Lily told me everything. Dylan and Karo had been sleeping together, and very essentially dating behind my back since before we even got married. They got together during a one month break me and Dylan had during college, and they stuck together ever since. They all knew, and none of them told me until I found out the hard way. Karo wasn't at our wedding because he felt guilty. He avoided me like the fucking plague because he felt guilty. They arrange group meet-ups in a groupchat I wasn't in, because they all like Karo enough "to spare his feelings". Even the guys in the group felt the same way about him, apparently. Karo was never as distant as I thought he was, he was just being hidden. Dylan was hiding him from me because he didn't want me to find out they were together.
By the end of it, half of us were sobbing, and everyone who wasn't was apologizing to me.
I was so angry. I made them swear they wouldn't say anything to Dylan, or anyone else.
I kicked them all out, and cried myself to sleep. I was basically in denial, like it was some kind of sick fucking prank.
My husband didn't come home until the next morning. He told me all about the supposed fishing trip he'd went on. I didn't say anything about what I knew. I guess he could tell something was up, because he kept asking me what was wrong, all day, every five fucking minutes. Eventually I just told him I'd been in an argument with my sister. By the end of the week, I was totally numb.
Last night while my husband was handing out candy to kids, I saw a notification pop up on his phone, since I knew his password, I opened it. It was a text from Karo. I looked through the conversations they'd had, it confirmed everything. It was devastating, Dylan texted Karo the exact same way he texted me. He told Karo he loved him, every sweet thing he said to me had been said in his conversations with Karo. I was hardly mentioned. I put his phone back before he noticed.
Dylan is at work now. I don't know what to do. I could never imagine myself leaving Dylan, because he's such a loving partner and a good man. But I can't see myself winning in a competition against Karo if that's what it comes down to. I can't even make myself be disgusted or angered by Dylan. I love him too much, I'm not even upset with karo. But I'm so hurt, I don't want to risk losing my husband, and I don't want to share him.
I called lily and my sister this morning and told them about what I had found. They both asked what I'm going to do, and I had nothing to say.
I don't know what to do, at all.
[**1st Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/ykb7wk/ive_found_out_why_my_husband_hides_his_best/) - Posted November 2, 2022
**I've found out why my husband hides his best friend from me, and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. (update)**
Hi, I really appreciate the support and advice i was given on my last post. Dylan came home last night around 10. I had a whole speech prepared to confront him with, but I could only end up saying "i know about you and Karo"
I'll spare the details of the conversation because it's still raw, but he left around midnight. He only took a few of his things. I haven't spoken to him since, aside from him telling me he was coming to get more of his things, and after our conversation I've decided to go through with divorce. I've collected all the necessary information, and I'll be getting in touch with a lawyer shortly.
Again, Thank you all for the advice and help to come to my senses.
**Clarification from OP on why Karo supposedly dislikes her:**
[**OP:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/ykb7wk/ive_found_out_why_my_husband_hides_his_best/iuud2c9/?context=3)
>I did not cheat, it was a huge misunderstanding between me and my husband that lead him to believe, and tell people, that I cheated. I don't even know if what dylan said about karo's dislike for me was true.
[**2nd Update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Alternative_Sink_483/comments/ykq7uq/2nd_and_hopefully_last_update_ive_found_out_why/) - Posted November 3, 2022
**(2nd, and hopefully last update) I've found out why my husband hides his best friend from me, and I don't think there's anything I can do about it.**
I was unaware it was a big trend to repost reddit posts onto tiktok. This is what happened with my first post, and the video has almost 700k views.
A friend of mine, noah, who i am namedropping because I know he will see this, and I appreciate him dearly, forwarded me the video because he knew it was my post. (i explained the situation to him prior, and he knew i had posted it.)
There are several things i want to address, and I ask that whoever made the video, because they clearly use reddit, posts this too, to clear my name. Everybody in my life knows by now, so i see no harm in addressing you personally.
To recap; yes I am leaving Dylan, no, I did not actually cheat on him, it was a huge misunderstanding between the two of us that lead him to believe, and tell people, that i cheated. I don't even know if what he told me about Karos' dislike for me is or was true.
No I am not going to "sue him for everything he has'
I will no longer be speaking to anyone from that group
I may have been naive, but i am not stupid.
No, i still do not know why they chose to betray me like that, and I don't intend on finding out.
Yes, while his parents were accepting of lgtbq, I dont think they wouldve been okay with dylan marrying a man.
From here on out, I doubt i will have anything to say. That is all, thank you.
Also, I have never watched brokeback mountain, but the jokes about it did make me chuckle.
🔴🔴🔴
[**Newest Update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Alternative_Sink_483/comments/14mq7nj/my_ex_husbands_affair_partner_left_him_and_i/) - Posted on June 30, 2023
**My ex husbands affair partner left him and I could not be any happier.**
About 8 months ago I posted here seeking a release from an ugly brutal situation involving my cheating (now ex) husband. I've been working really hard on getting better for myself and since then i've done okay. Until a week and a half ago.
10 days ago I heard from one too many distant mutual friends, that Karo left Dylan. It makes me so happy to hear that he got what he deserved. The man he had to have left him! Unfortunately, Karo hasn't received his end of the karma and is still just as fucking perfect as the day i found out he was having an affair with my husband.
However I'd be lying if i said I cared or had any ill will towards him. I don't, just my ex husband. Hell, if I saw him in a parking lot, I'd sprint over, shake his hand and tell him I'm glad he delivered my ex husband his much deserved karma.
I don't know how Dylan is doing now but I hope he sees how it hurts, being betrayed like that. Anyways you can consider this the end of the line. No more updates, no nothing. All i can and will do from now on, is heal.
**Reminder - I am not the original OP.** | 8,827 | 2023-08-29T09:25:54 | [New Update] I've found out why my husband hides his best friend from me, and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. | NEW UPDATE | norabbitfood | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/164dkmx/new_update_ive_found_out_why_my_husband_hides_his/ | false | false | [
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164fcn9 | Originally posted by u/doedoku in r/AmItheAsshole on Aug 18, '23 updated on Aug 20, '23.
Trigger Warning: >!medical struggles!<
**[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15v311d/aita_for_tanking_my_sisters_credit/)**
Aug 18, '23
**AITA for tanking my sister's credit?**
Am I the asshole? I seriously need to know.
Me(21F) and my fiance(20F) were at risk of being evicted from my landlord for shit we didn't even do, which is another story on its own. Basically I had less than 3 weeks to find a new place, and failed to.
My parents refused to let me move in unless we rehomed our two large breed dogs, which I refused since they are incredibly important to me and my fiance. I had to quit my job because my health is in critical condition (I have a lot of medical conditions that caused me extreme pain, fainting, internal bleeding, hospitalizations etc.), and my fiance was the only income. She couldn't afford rent, bills, the car payment, insurance etc on her own, so we moved in with her parents. On top of letting us live free of charge until we could get our own place again, they also accepted us and our dogs. Even better, the doctors and specialists have been able to give me results that my home state shrugged off and told me I was a medical mystery for, for 12 years. Yeah, home STATE.
The only problem with this, is that my fiance's mom lives in another state, across the country, and my fiance also lost her job when we moved in with her parents. We had zero income for about 2 months while she struggled to find work close to the small town we moved to. She eventually got a job in a city 30 minutes away, but it barely pays minimum wage.
Zero income = Late payments on bills.
My sister is the cosigner on my car. Her credit tanked. Ive been keeping her updated about our situation and let her know ahead of time that we didn't have the money at the second, but the car payment was first priority and will be the absolute first thing we pay back. I also contacted the dealership to try to out a pause on my payments, but didn't have any luck either. I talked to customer service to give me leeway or an extension but I was also denied for that. She was fine until the day came that the late payment showed up on her credit history.
Today she texted me and started yelling at me and my fiance that we are incredibly irresponsible and shouldn't have moved states if we couldn't afford it, and that we should have just moved in with my mom despite losing our pets. She is now telling me to sell my car so it will stop affecting her life. My doctors are 30 minutes away, and so is my fiances work. We have zero other transportation. We tried explaining to her, but she just got more pissed. She ended the conversation saying she cant deal with this shit right now, and she will talk to us later.
I feel terrible, but I also don't want to get rid of my dogs and my car. Am I in the wrong? AITA?
*In the comments:*
We got one month behind, and are now caught up on payments. We are trying to get her name off to hopefully help her credit go back up. We can and are making payments on time, but the one late payment dropped it pretty bad.
.
>If you can’t afford your bills, how can you afford your dogs?
OP: We buy them food before anything else, and we slowly pay off care credit when they need vet visits. Other than that, when we are in a good financial spot we buy treats, bones, and long lasting chews/toys. Which we aren't right now, but they are being fed twice a day regularly and taken on walks and fun time outside. While we didn't have money whatsoever, her mom helped us buy food, and i paid her back by cooking, cleaning, errand running etc. Its not ideal but we are trying our best with what little we have until our feet are on the ground again
.
>YTA- It sounds like y’all are irresponsible. Like…yay for getting medical help there. But you absolutely have to acknowledge that you did it all at your sister’s expense. You value dogs over your sister who graciously co-signed that allows you to even have transportation. It’s fair to ask you to sell it. Whatever it’s worth, that’s your new budget for a used car. There’s plenty out there.
OP: Thank you, I didn't view it like that.
*Judgment: Asshole*
**First Update**
(Undated)
EDIT:
TY everyone. I was definitely entitled, and removing my sister as the cosigner and replacing it with my fiance. Once we do that, we are going to sell the car. That way it'll be removed from her credit entirely. We are completely caught up on payments now. I'm going to go to the dealership today. Thanks everyone for being as truthful as possible. I definitely needed the smack to reality. I'm going to apologize to her today.
[2nd Update](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/15v311d/aita_for_tanking_my_sisters_credit/)
**Final Update**
Aug 20, '23
*2 days after the original post (Dated via reveddit):*
EDIT:
TY again, not a problem anymore. A lady pulled out in front of me and totaled my car and hospitalized me. The insurance company took 100% liability, and paying it off. So, I guess that's one way to replace it for a cheap car. Will not be getting another car payment, and when my concussion leaves me and my fiance are taking a free budget class. Hoping to get on our feet even with the quite literal road block.
**Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.** | 4,192 | 2023-08-29T11:03:07 | AITA for tanking my sister's credit? | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/164fcn9/aita_for_tanking_my_sisters_credit/ | false | false | [
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164uw0g | I am not the OP. These posts were made by u/throwramercw, and I want to give credit to u/BrittPonsitt for picking up the original update
Long post warning; three updates
Trigger Warning: >!homophobia, suicide!<
Mood Spoiler: >!depressing, frustrating!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o5ckw3/myf26_husbandm28_has_been_giving_advice_to_a/): **June 21st, 2021**
I want to preface this by saying that I don't know how my husband is when he's at work. He works an office job, and I work in a daycare as a receptionist, and we also recently purchased our first home. However, everything I learned came from an email from the coworker's wife that included evidence of conversations between my husband and her husband in regards to their son
Louise and Edward (we'll call them that) recently had their son come out, and from Louise's email and the messages she provided between her husband and mine, she has been supportive while her husband pretended (in her words) to be, but instead has asked my husband for advice while at work and expressed how he isn't comfortable about it, and my husband has supposedly been trying to comfort him and give him advice on how to "fix him" despite his wife
The messages she sent me showed them talking about it and ideas to talk to him one on one without the wife, along with how they're trying to get together sometime outside of work to discuss it over dinner or something
I never knew my husband felt this way before this situation, but I was able to call Louise and apologize and try to comfort her to the best of my ability although not knowing her well, and she feels incredibly hurt and lied to by all of this, and I want to help her to the best of my ability as well as her son if possible in any way
She said that she hasn't talked to her husband yet, but that she's considering talking to him with one of her parents since she doesn't think she can do it by herself, and I told her that I'm disgusted with my husband just like she was, but from a different perspective of not having kids yet and not wanting to have kids with someone who thinks like this
As of right now, I'm still trying to digest all of this emotionally, but I can't express just how angry I am at my husband, and I don't want to be with him anymore because of it
However, she told me everything yesterday, and I'm yet to confront my husband because Louise said that she's not sure how she wants to go about it yet, and despite it being hard for me NOT to bring it up, I don't want to jeopardize her in any way and make things harder, since this is about her safety and her son first and foremost and whatever she feels best to do in her timing
But before I do anything, I want to ask what I should do and when with everything she provided on my end to support her. I'm strongly considering divorce, since I don't want kids with someone who thinks like this, but I firstmost want to help her and support her in her timing, but she doesn't know what she wants to do yet, and to be honest, it's kind of hard to sit on everything she told me and not confront him, but just thinking about her safety and her son's keeps me grounded, and I just want advice on what to do here moving forward
*Edit: In the messages between my husband and Edward that she showed me, my husband said that if it were his son, he'd "set him straight" and mentioned punishing him by taking away privileges and not taking him to sports until he "changes his mind", along with suggesting that they go to dinner to talk about it outside of work and about Edward's wife too, since he wasn't thrilled with how open she was to it*
[First Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/oddhrl/update_myf26_husbandm28_has_been_giving_advice_to/): **July 4th, 2021**
**(OOP added some clarification at the top of her post before getting to the update)**
Edward and Louise recently had their son come out, and Louise has been supportive while her husband was quiet about it, but instead of talking to his wife, he vented to my husband at work about it, and I want to explain exactly what was said. My husband did more than blindly agree with him; he said that if it were his son, he'd punish him by not allowing him to hang out with his friends and pulling him out of sports until he "got his act together" among other privileges
In addition to this, they talked about Louise and how Edward was disappointed in her support for him, and my husband offered to go out to dinner to "discuss her" and find ways to fix him behind her back. They also used derogatory words when talking about them occasionally, and while I understand that it was wrong for Louise to snoop, I still don't believe that that excuses the actions they portrayed
**(End of clarification; update ensues)**
When I wrote my last post, I was struggling with how I should tell my husband without putting Louise or her son in danger, since Louise said that she was afraid to tell Edward because of his tendency to get upset over meaningless things, and she was scared of how he could react. I was concerned that if I talked to my husband, he would send Edward a text that could completely blindside Louise. But since my last post, I spoke to Louise again
I told her that it was hard to not address him with the news she told me, and she said that she had since spoken to her parents about it, and that it'd be fine for me to address him, since they would be helping her address her husband alongside her. She also talked about how Edward "pretended" to be supportive, but that she felt hurt to know that he lied. I told her that I also felt lied to in a different sense, since my husband said that he would be fine with any orientation that our children could have when we talked about potential kids... only for him to be someone else completely at work. But still, I wanted to talk to him myself, since a part of me hoped that maybe it was just an act, but even if it was, I wouldn't know how to trust him and really know for sure
When I spoke to him and showed the emails Louise sent, he didn't deny the messages that she included, but said that I was "wrong to talk to her before him" and that "he never went through my things", and I thought about that hard. I could've talked to him first, but I chose to call Louise because I was afraid of him telling Edward and blindsiding Louse before she was ready. However, he said that that "wasn't an excuse" and that "we come first"
But when I asked how he could say what he did in those messages and tell me that he was supportive of our potential children having a different orientation, he said that "I'm probably not the woman he thought he married when I'm at work", and that I'm being "controlling" by questioning his work behavior, and he said that he didn't know if he could trust me either and that he "wanted space" between us for a bit. When I asked him straight up what he meant in the messages and his stance on it, he said that Louise was "stupid" to support him and that he's "tired" of how "overblown" gender topics are. He also said that the boy only did it "because it was popular" and that he "probably doesn't get it" and will "regret" it one day
When I asked him what he meant by wanting space, he said he would inquire about staying with his brother, and I was considering staying with my parents before he said that. But as of right now, he's staying at his brother's, and I've been at my parents for the past couple of days, and they have been supportive and open to hearing me vent. Lately, I've been second-guessing myself a lot, and my dad says it's because my husband tried to "shift the blame on me", along with how his "real self came out when he wasn't around me", and mom said that he had a lack of character
I still want divorce because I still want to have children, but I don't feel like I can have it with him because trust is shattered, but I'm also afraid that I'll never get married again, but I'm not gonna let that pressure me into staying. My husband, on the other hand, has turned to social media to talk about me being "unfaithful" among other things that aren't true at all, and I feel like he's just trying to get out ahead of it. My parents are already helping me with a lawyer, but for the emotional stuff, how do I cope with the fear of never getting married again or being looked down on by other people/friends who don't know yet, along with the doubts that always creep in
[Second Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/rza593/a_couple_of_months_ago_i_wrote_about_my_husband/): **January 8th, 2022**
I want to explain what I said at the top about how there was more going on at the time that I knew about. So, I'll do it now. Edward had already stared his plan of taking Jake to hang out/try to convert him one-on-one before talking to my husband, and she only found out after coming across their messages a few weeks after he had already started. He also told Jake to not tell her about it. But, she had a hard time getting Jake to tell her everything that happened when they were alone, and that included a therapist who she got to talk to him along with pride resources that would encourage him
However, the reason I'm returning to this, is because Jake has passed away, and he passed while Louise and Edward were still in the stages of their divorce. I had the chance to meet with Louise in person as well as her son once too, and she told me that her parents were fully on her side and assisting her in the divorce process. Edward wasn't thrilled that she emailed me their messages. But, she had her parents there when she talked to him. She also said that she had a hard time telling Jake about the divorce. But, I want to make the last part of this about him
Jake took his own life, and Louise said she felt responsible for his death and has been really hard on herself. She also said that she was never able to find out everything that happened between Jake and Edward when they were alone, and that goes for the therapist too. She is currently trying to investigate Edward with help from her parents and a lawyer. But, in regards to Jake, I want to say this. I don't think I will ever be able to move on, and part of that is because I feel disgusted at myself for even associating with someone who played a part in this in my ex-husband. It's been hard to do anything on some days since finding out, and I've even been prescribed prescriptions to help me lately as well. It's been even harder on Louise and her parents
But, when I asked if there was anything I could do to potentially help remember him, she said that she wants to encourage others to keep fighting so that the same doesn't happen to others too, and that is what also made me want to write this. Not because it's something that'll brighten up your day, but because it's something that you need to hear. She wants to ensure that this happens to no one else regardless of their gender orientation. So, after some time, she's planning on getting involved in her community. Not just LGBTQ groups, but groups that help children in general. She doesn't know when as she's still going through a lot, but she wants to really soon
As for whoever reads this, I won't tell you how to perceive it. I believe the strongest conviction comes from one's self and not what they're told. I just wanted to share how she's trying to move on, and she knows that I'm sharing this too. To everyone who commented, I can't tell you how much your words of comfort/advice have been received in the previous posts. Louise is now my friend, and I hope we'll be able to be friends for a long time. She's going through a lot, but I believe she'll come out stronger. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, and I truly wish you all nothing but the best
[Third Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/rza593/a_couple_of_months_ago_i_wrote_about_my_husband/): **March 20th, 2023 (made to the bottom of her previous post due to the limit of updates on other subs)**
I can't make any more updates on the relationship subs, so I'm going to make it here instead. I haven't been able to reply to many of the DMs I received, and this is going to be the last time I return to this. Without going into too many specifics, I mentioned Louise was trying to work with a lawyer while investigating the specifics of our husband's involvement, but nothing has come from it so far in way of repuccussion against them, and we also don't know what was said between Jake and our husbands before she found the messages. If anything changes, then I'll update with that news, but it's been frustrating because nothing's come from it so far
I have since volenteered at a few LGBTQ events as someone suggested to try and somewhat cope in a previous post, and I believe Louise wants to as well once she's past everything. It's really been frustrating to see that nothing's come in the way of repuccussions, but a counselor I spoke to said that it'd also be good to try and use that energy to help the community, so I'm trying to do that although it doesn't always make me feel better. It does sometimes, but the anger comes with coping with how my ex was a different person at work, and I'm still trying to cope with that still. I appreciate the supportive DMs and the ones that suggested counseling, but my counselor's also trying to help me move forward although it's still hard sometimes
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
Comments
(u/RainInTheWoods)
"Thank you for coming back here. I remember your original post, and I’ve thought about it since then.
I’m so sorry Jake and Louise had to experience such wrath. I’m so sorry that your exhusband turned out to be not who he told you he was. It’s hard to comprehend all of the loss that has occurred in your lives. Bigotry is its own type of violence. It’s deeply painful to know that young Jake couldn’t see far enough into his future to know that there was great hope for his happiness. I wish you, Louise, and Louise’s parents well as you move forward. Thank you all for being people who Jake could rely on"
(u/wontonfrog)
"This is so sad. But thank you for sharing. You see I am a proud mother to a 17 year old transgender daughter. She came out a year and a half ago and I make sure she knows how much she is loved and supported in our household. Sometimes my husband forgets and misgenders her and I nag him all the time to get it right. He had a more difficult time accepting it but he's coming around. My daughter already had issues with depression and knowing the high rates of suicide and suicide attempts among LGBTQ youth, I want her to know this house is always a safe place for her. I will do anything to help prevent her from being a statistic.
I recently told one of my conservative family members about her and all they could do was spew hate and judgments about my teenage child. They called her "sick" and "unnatural" and I ended up crying for a day about it. I'm so scared that my daughter will encounter someone like that and that they will drive her to try to harm herself. My biggest fear is to lose one of my children.
I'm glad you left your husband after seeing what kind of person he really is. And I'm so sad that a 14 year old took his own life. But I guess just take it one day at a time as they say. Only time heals wounds like these. I hope one day in the future that our society, our world, will be more supportive of our LGBTQ kids" | 7,328 | 2023-08-29T21:24:01 | A couple of months ago, I(f26) wrote about my husband(m28) who gave advice to a coworker behind his wife's back on how to make their gay son(m14) straight. I've since divorced him, but the kid has passed away | NEW UPDATE | MadisonBrave | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/164uw0g/a_couple_of_months_ago_if26_wrote_about_my/ | false | false | [
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165481v | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Traveler548
**I got my grandpa to play God of War**
**Originally posted to** r/GodofWar
**MOOD SPOILER:** >!wholesome, Will get people to argue which entry in the God of War series is best!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/GodofWar/comments/15tuh8e/i_got_my_grandpa_to_play_god_of_war/) **Aug 17, 2023**
He has finished the entire greek saga, and here are his opinions on each game. I will quote them right here. Gow 2018 is next
Ascension: ´´It was good, nice story and graphics´´
Chains of Olympus: ´´Those f*cking gods just keep having a laugh at him´´
GOW1: ´´Finally that motherf*cker is dead. And now what? Kratos is just gonna sit there?´´
Ghost of Sparta: ´´I dont know why he didnt just rip Athena´s head off. I would have done that.´´
GOW2: Finally that b*tch is dead. I cant wait for the next one.
GOW3: (when Kratos is killing Helios) ´´Oh my lord, thats brutal.´´ (at the end) ´´So he just killed everybody and then himself? I would say a good ending to his character.´´
(when finding out there are two more games) ´´What? He survived that stab? How?´´
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Boudicia_Dark**
>May I ask, how old is your grandpa?
**OOP replied**
>>73
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/GodofWar/comments/15zef2a/update_i_got_my_grandpa_to_play_god_of_war/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 23, 2023**
He has finished God of war 2018 3 hours ago. Here I quote all his reactions (Not word to word correct as what he said as I dont remember his exact words): (SPOILERS FOR GOW 2018 AHEAD OBVIOUSLY)
The start: *ooohhh, nice beard, think I´ll get one like that*
The funeral: *Another wife gone*
The troll: *Oh my god what is that?* *Oh nice, neck snap*
The stranger fight: *What the f#ck does this skinny man want?* *woah he punches hard* What, he doesnt feel pain? *Finally*
Meeting Brok: *I didnt know my brother was in this game*
Meeting the Witch of the Woods: *I bet this lady is a witch or something* *Yep*
Meeting Jormungandr: *I want to fight that thing so bad*
Meeting Sindri: *Is this the smurf´s brother?
Alfheim: *Oh its pretty here* *HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN IN THAT LIGHT MY GOD*
Hraezlyr: *Now we have a fight* *aaaaannnd its dead*
Meeting Mimir: *Wait how is Baldur alive? I snapped his neck* *Man, this guy has been here long* *So youre telling me I climbed a whole mountain, killed a dragon and the dark elf king, only to end up on the wrong mountain.* *More head cutting*
Freya reveal: *She is a god? Doesnt look like one*
Talking to the serpent: *sounds like me when I was drunk back in the days*
Sindi´s whetstone side quest: *so I did all this for one whetstone. I could have gotten one like that from the garage*
Brok and Andvari´ ring side quest: *Nice ring*
Spirits around the lake: *Why am I helping spirits again?*
Veithurgard: *This is pretty, except for the dragon*
Freeing Fafnir: *To be honest I dont even want to free him just for putting so many doors in the storage*
Thamur´s chisel journey: *Oh my that head is big!* *Finally the chisel*
Magni and Modi fight: *These two brats I swear* *oh my his face!* *Do I get to know more about the sickness now?*
Modi interrupting and Atreus falling into a coma: *This b#tch again* *his own little spartan rage* *Oh he is dead. Or is he just unconcious? looks dead to me*
The blades of chaos retrieval: *Oh boy he is back* *Shut the f#ck up Athena you are a b#tch just go back to Greece*
Helheim: *Oh this is horrible*
The Zeus illusion: *Now Zeus is here too? Man just go f#ck yourself* *oh, it was an illusion*
Kratos revelaing he is a god: *Finally he said it. I was getting tired of his keeping it a secret*
The stories about Týr: *One good god doesnt make a good world*
Kratos and Atreus drinking wine: *Let me get some of that, I want some too*
Atreus becoming a little b#tch and the death of Modi: *Send that boy to school or something, he is a little arrogant* *Not going to lie, the guy deserved it. He was super annoying with all that your mom bullsh#t*
Baldur interrupting: *Not this b#tch again* *there goes the gate* *Another dragon, how many damn dragons are there here?*
Helheim again: *Oh great, this fridge place again* *the witch is his mom?? How?* *Oh he is miserable*
Zeus and Kratos fighting illusion: *Oh my god Atreus is gonna be scarred for life from that*
Konnunsgard side quest: *I need 3 stones?* *Another dragon, of course*
Flipping the temple: *Man, he is almost as strong as me. About 70 percent of my power*
Just off the path: *Weeeeeeeee*
Inside the serpent: *Oh gross* *He has a whole island in here*
Baldur fight: *Oh he is back* *Its the green thing, the the thing the arrow* *Oh he is dead now I´ll tell you that. Though I kinda feel bad*
Killing Baldur and Kratos revealing everything: *Oh the neck snap again* *He is actually saying everything*
Spreading the ashes: *Pretty* *Who is Loki?* *Oh thats why he is named Atreus*
The secret ending: *what now?* *Oh oh oh its the hammer guy.*
Killing Sigrun: *Oh finally. FINALLY.*
BTW: number of deaths against the valkyries:
Gunnr: 2
Kara: 2
Geirdriful: 5
Eir: 4
Hildr: 0
Olrun: 3
Róta: 6
Gondul: 4
Sigrun: 9
Maybe a lot of deaths but he did it.
Ragnarok is next.
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Weird_Stuff_McGee**
>He did all of it in 6 days?!?! He might not be lying about his strength?
>What skill level is Gramps playing on?
**OOP replied**
>>If you mean difficulty, he is playing on give me balanced experience
**Weird_Stuff_McGee**
>>>I was. That's still a hell of an achievement.
**L3anD3RStar**
>>>Damn. Your grandpa is a real Gamer
*
**Flaired ongoing as grandpa still has to play Ragnarok**
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 1,804 | 2023-08-30T04:01:50 | I got my grandpa to play God of War | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165481v/i_got_my_grandpa_to_play_god_of_war/ | false | false | [
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] |
1654abo | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/throwwayccount847374](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwwayccount847374/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.
**Mood Spoiler:** >!hopeful ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15wldaz/aita_for_assuming_our_kids_will_take_my_last_name/)**: August 20, 2023**
My (29 F) husband (29 M) and I are pregnant. We're happy about it but its all happened so fast so we didn't discuss details before. Today while we were fantasizing about our future, I kind of wistfully said the full name of our baby (gender neutral first name we chose and my last name). He was upset and asked why I assumed they would take my name. I said it was bc I thought he didn't care about his last name whereas my last name is very important to me.
Context: I never changed my last name when we got married because in my culture this is uncommon and my name also has very heavy cultural and historical significance. I am extremely proud of it and I am also very close with my extended family. My husband has no relationship with his family, as his parents abandoned him to his uncle who abused him for years until he moved in with me.
When we were getting married he wanted to change his last name to mine bc he feels like my family is his real family, which I was ok with but eventually we decided he doesn't need to go through that hassle since he's a part of our family regardless. He's never expressed any type of interest in his heritage (Irish) and even when I suggested we go visit Ireland he was uninterested.
But now, he said people will think the kid is not his, and that it's disrespectful to have kids not take the fathers last name. I was confused because he has never expressed any such sentiment before. I told him my last name is nonnegotiable, so we can hyphenate it. He was resistant since both our last names are clunky and long, but eventually he said only if HIS name comes first. I got really annoyed at his implication that there's something wrong with taking the mom's last name, so maybe I was a little petty and said "suits me, that way people will think your name is just a middle name and mine is their last name". He told me I was being an asshole and left the house, it's been a couple of hours and he's responding to my texts with one word responses.
EDIT: I am seeing some misunderstanding about why he never changed his last name to mine. I thought it was a good idea and so he was doing research on the process, but ended up complaining to me that the process seemed like a big hassle. After which I told him that my family loves him regardless of what name he has, so he decided to not go through with it. Right now we decided to discuss this whole thing in the morning after we get some sleep, and I will try to offer some of the suggestions people made in the replies. Thank you for the many responses everyone, it helped to put some things into perspective for me.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Could you try blending your two last names?*
"I appreciate you comment a lot, I think I'll suggest the hyphenating route to him again when he's less upset and I'll apologize for my comment, and maybe suggest a coin toss to which name comes first like one commenter suggested. I don't think it would be a good idea to merge our names since they are from different languages and it would be really strange, especially since my name has letters that don't exist in the english alphabet and his name has letters that don't exist in my language"
*What is the cultural significance of your last name?*
"My family is one of a few families that are directly descended from a very important religious, cultural, and historical figure for my people and our last name reflects that lineage"
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15zduam/update_aita_for_assuming_our_kids_will_take_my/)**: August 23, 2023 (3 days later)**
Hello everyone, some of the responses from the original post gave me ideas for how to approach the issue with my husband so I wanted to give an update.
After my husband came home, we decided to talk in the morning as he was tired and still a little upset.
Next morning he was really trying to push the topic aside and said he "didn't care" what name we choose anymore he just didn't want to keep talking about it. I didn't think that was a good idea but I was worried he'd get angry if I just pushed it so I asked him if we could just cuddle for a while. I brought it up again by apologizing for my comment that I made about the hyphenated name, he said he didn't want to hyphenate our names anyway. We talked for a while about a lot like my family, culture and his family...etc but basically he felt like the odd one out. I reminded him again about how much my family, especially my parents and brother, love him and treat him like a son/brother. They really do treat him like the baby of the family because thats how they always treated me as the youngest. My extended family loves him as well.
He said he felt like he was still stuck with his shitty family even though he hasn't talked to any of them in years, and if our baby has his name it would be like he was connected with the baby through that name and not his family.
I was dreading asking him this but based on comments in my other post it made too much seem not to at least ask. So I asked him if he thinks he would like taking my last name, so he didn't have to share his last name with them anymore. He said that he was too embarrassed to suggest this again to my family because he felt like it would look badly that he keeps changing his mind on this topic, like he didn't respect this decision or my family's name. I convinced him that they wouldn't feel that way and that I would help him with every step of the name changing process if he wants that. We ran it by my parents to prove to him they were ok with it and they were super supportive. He seems really happy about this decision and even excited while we were gathering all the info to make sure it's a smooth transition. I'm also planning to have some more detailed discussions with him about other things we never really discussed specifics of so we don't catch each other by surprise again haha. Thank you again everyone for the perspective and for the suggestions | 5,359 | 2023-08-30T04:04:48 | AITA for assuming our kids will take my last name? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1654abo/aita_for_assuming_our_kids_will_take_my_last_name/ | false | false | [
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1654f1w | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/MyOpinion54321
**Am I wrong for lying to my friend's son about what he was eating?**
**Originally posted to** r/amiwrong
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Negligent parenting, traumatic birth and verbal abuse!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15za5q8/am_i_wrong_for_lying_to_my_friends_son_about_what/) **Aug 23, 2023**
I just had one of the weirdest arguments I've ever had with a friend, and I want to know if I did anything wrong.
Several of my friends have young children. One friend ,in particular, (I'll call her Sara for this post) wants to create a "child centered household." Her son, who is 3 and a half, is a really picky eater. She won't make him eat anything he doesn't like so he eats the same things a lot.
I only have one other friend with a really specific diet for her child, but in their case it is completely justified: her child has a really really serious allergy. She is super thoughtful about always packing him food though instead of having other people try to navigate his food rules. My other friends try to feed their children healthy food for the most part, but if you are willing to babysit they are way less picky about what you feed them.
Sara is having another baby. She was scheduled to be induced yesterday. The whole thing was a little crazy. The induction date got moved up suddenly. Then, her parents, who were supposed to watch her son, had issues with their flight. Then, they decided to drive. Long story short: the day before yesterday, she calls me pretty upset around 11:30 PM and begs me to watch her son. Apparently, she had only she had been desperately calling people and couldn't find a babysitter and she had to go into the hospital early yesterday morning. My job is really flexible so I agreed to call out sick. No big deal and Sara was starting to sound a little freaked out. She said that her parents could pick him up around 3 or 4.
Anyway yesterday morning was a mess on their way to the hospital. They were running late. Last night they had hastily packed a bag for their son which they hadn't thought that they'd need to do. They took him though the drive through at Chick-fil-A and then got caught in traffic. While they were driving to my apartment, she got the call from her mother that they had changed their minds and were driving in. When she called me from the car, she was irate. (I agree that driving probably was a mistake and lost them more time than waiting on a flight, but...) She's mad at them, mad at her husband, and embarrassed to that things are going so badly (she's a huge perfectionist). I said that I'd keep him longer. She told me that she should have had a home birth (???) About 20 minutes later, she drops him off. They forgot the carseat and stroller and his bag of snacks.
I figure it's not worth bothering them so I shrug it off. Both the kid and I are still in our pajamas so I put in an old Disney movie and we lay around in the living room all morning. Around 11:30, he's hungry. I don't have kids and wasn't expecting to be watching this one so my kitchen is pretty limited in terms of kid food. I can't drive him anywhere because there's no carseat. I live downtown so I don't really want to walk anywhere with him without the stroller. I know he likes Chick-fil-A so I thought about door dashing, but I don't know what she orders for him and I didn't want to read an entire kid's menu to a toddler. I do have a few things that are similar to things he eats at home. I have these organic Bernie Os (from this brand Annie's that I love) that are similar to Spaghetti Os which I know he gets as a treat a lot.
I cook them, but as I'm putting them in the bowl, I remember how picky he is and how he hates new food. I think about it for a second and tell him they are Spaghetti Os. He doesn't realize. He eats the whole bowl. We watch movies some more. Around noon my friend calls to check in. I'm sort of confused, isn't she in labor? She said that she isn't in labor, they just started the medicine a little while ago. Okay, I guess. She asks how her son is. I say fine. We watched movies and ate lunch. She asks if he ate his lunch thing she packed. I have walked over to the kitchen where he can't hear me and said no. She was like "why? I packed everything." I laughed and told her about the missing stroller, carseat, and food bag. She starts yelling at her husband. Basically, she said that she couldn't count on him to basic things, he wasn't helpful to her, he left all their shit in the car, and that now her car was going to smell like baloney. Then, she told him to take a walk because his face made her sick.
Anyway she starts crying, and I try to console her. I said that I found something he would eat. I even said that Bernie Os were organic so maybe she could switch to something healthier. (She's been trying to do this for him.) She asked how I got him to try them. I laughed and said I told him they were Spaghetti Os and he didn't know the difference. She starts crying more and says that I broke his trust by lying to him about food. I was like "Sara, he's three. I doubt that he'll even remember what he ate tomorrow." She snaps that she'll call me later and hangs up on me. I could tell she was pissed at me.
Important info: I did not lie to her about what he ate, and I would never feed him something his mom wasn't okay with knowingly. In this case, she was actually happy he ate it until she found out that I lied to him about what it was. The kid had a great time with me yesterday. We made a blanket fort, watched movies, and I made him homemade play-doh. His grandparents picked him up around 10:00 that night.
I'm haven't talked to Sara since that phone call. Her husband texted me later that night to arrange for the grandparents to get their son. Sara hasn't sent anything. I have already been told that I will be invited to meet the new baby so I just want to know if this is something that I am wrong about and should apologize for or not.
[Update - 8 hours later](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/15zns7f/update_am_i_wrong_for_lying_to_my_friends_son/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 23, 2023**
I posted this morning about my friend, Sara, who got upset with me for telling her toddler that Bernie Os were Spaghetti Os to get him to eat them. He is a super picky eater. I was watching him while she gave birth to her second child. I never thought that the post would get the attention that it did. Anyway I wanted to answer a few recurring questions and share some additional information that I got over the last few hours.
**Why was Sara's induction so unexpected? Why was everything last minute?**
Sara has had a lot of complications with this pregnancy. The plan was always for her to be induced. She had all her plans set around that original date. She had booked her parents' flight about a month ago. When she went to the doctor a few days ago, the doctor saw some things that really concerned him so he moved the induction date up for the health and safety of mother and baby.
**Why didn't Sara or her parents book their flight? How did she not notice that the baby stuff didn't get brought up to my apartment?**
Sara and her husband travel a lot and they have a lot of points saved. The flight was basically free if they booked it as opposed to her parents. Sara booked the original flight, but she asked her husband to book the new one because she was overwhelmed that her induction had been moved up with only around 24 hours notice. Her husband has never booked his own flight. First his mother then Sara booked any personal trips. His secretary books his work trips. He just tells them what he wants. She asked him to make an exception because she was trying to pack their toddler's bag and explain to him what was happening. He didn't understand it, but he could tell something had happened and was scared. Her husband apparently forgot to confirm the flights and they never got booked even though he said that they did. That and transporting her and their son were the only things that she asked him to do. She even packed her husband's hospital bag.
She didn't notice that the baby stuff didn't go up to my apartment because she didn't come up. They were running late already and it was quicker for her husband to bring everything up instead of her coming too. She was exhausted and crying because her son had been upset the night before and didn't notice that her husband had forgotten stuff.
**Does Sara normally act this way?**
No!!! Sara is normally amazing. She feeds her son really well normally. Organic veggies, cage free eggs, etc. He is super picky, but she goes above and beyond to give him good food. Spaghetti Os are a special treat for him. Her sister's fiancé gave him some once, and he is obsessed with them. He only gets them at home occasionally as a treat (like any unhealthy food). She would never feed him unhealthy food all the time.
I've also seen Sara tell her son a white lie before. For example, when his father is on a business trip she tells him every night that Daddy asked about him and loves/misses him. That's why I was surprised that her stance on white lies had changed. I sort of suspected it might be hormonal.
Sara's husband isn't super involved with day-to-day household and parenting tasks. For example, they have a cleaning service and a nanny, but Sara coordinates everything (which is a lot more to deal with than it sounds). Her husband has never fed the baby or changed a diaper. He's only babysat by himself a few times (it's stressful for him because their toddler is spirited and wants a lot of attention). He never babysat when he was a newborn. Sara works full time but obviously will be on maternity leave for the next 8 months.
She has a really good job, but she prioritized work/life balance. Her husband's career is really demanding. She is normally great to him. She packs his bags for trips, runs his errands, manages the household, their child, and their social life, she sends gifts to the people in his life at the appropriate times. That sort of thing. She tries to make their home a sanctuary for him because of all the work stress. That hasn't been possible on the same level during a high risk pregnancy though which is why they are fighting. Her sister and I tried to help. Her sister has taken over managing the cleaning service and the nanny. I have taken over their meal delivery and grocery shopping. We (and two or three other friends) have tried to split their errands and taking her to major doctor's appointments. Routine ones she takes a car service. (She isn't supposed to drive for longer periods of time.) We and Sara have all done our best, but the household hasn't been the same during her pregnancy.
Sara is normally a great friend. I wouldn't be so involved if she wasn't, LOL. I've known her since undergrad. She and I share a really dry sense of humor which is why I tried to laugh the situation off.
She is also the best, BEST mother. She gives her son consistency, and I have never seen a little boy so treasured and doted on. She is completely devoted to making him happy. He is the most important person in her life.
**How did the birth go? What happened next?**
The baby is here, but early. It was an emergency c-section. There was a lot of bleeding, but it's under control. The baby is in the NICU, but he should be out soon hopefully. The doctor was hopeful that a natural delivery would be possible, but her blood pressure went sky high. They only very recently declared her blood pressure to be safe.
I didn't know any of this until her sister called me about an hour or two ago really upset. We had all (including Sara and her doctor) really thought that the induction would allow her to have a safe (if higher risk) natural delivery. No one anticipated this.
I mentioned in a comment that her husband called her a "fu*king bi*ch" and left the hospital. Her sister gave more info on that too. After she told him to take a walk and called him names, he came back like an hour later. He said that since she was acting like a f*cking b*tch and didn't want him there, a work issue had come up and he was going to deal with it. Her sister stayed with her for the rest of the birth. He is in DC now. He is calling and texting occasionally for updates and he had his secretary send flowers. But he did deserve being yelled at to a certain extent. I know a couple of people had mentioned that she was cruel to him, but there were circumstances that mitigate that.
I had no idea that things had gone this badly until her sister called. We had all anticipated some issues but nothing like this.
Her sister said that she is mortified that she snapped at me and said I broke her son's trust. She was already upset, and when she found out that another thing (no matter how small) had gone wrong, she got mad and took it out of both me and her husband. Once the baby was born and she was was settled back in her room, her sister said that she was crying and embarrassed that she had flipped out on me, her sister, and her parents. Her sister said she was crying and that Sara told her that she had been completely unhinged. We all forgave her and said to pretend it never happened. I talked to her briefly, and I am invited to visit tomorrow. She was just to embarrassed to talk to anyone other than her sister for a while. She said that it was like an out of body experience, and she lost it for a minute. She is so mortified about some of things she said that didn't make sense.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
That's the most important stuff. I'm sorry if it feels like I left some important stuff out in my first post. Everything happened super fast, and I shared things only as I learned them. I only learned some of this major stuff in the last hour or so. I thought this was too much to add to the original post.
I thought that her behavior was out of character and hormonal, and I wanted to know if I needed to apologize (my drier sense of humor can create awkward situations sometimes) or if it would be less embarrassing for her if I acted like it never happened.
If there are any questions, I will try to answer them in the comments. Thank you to everyone who weighed in!
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**Dchickadee**
>Hope you and BFF have patched things up and chalked it up to massive pressure and stress of having an early baby, a toddler and a grown-ass man child to deal with.
>Please be there for your friend during her (hopefully soon to be) divorce. That husband of hers is an absolute ass. He’s probably super successful as long as he doesn’t have to actually DO ANYTHING.
**OOP replied**
>We are completely back to normal. She's like a sister to me. I was never upset with her. I just wasn't sure how to not make it awkward.
>She won't divorce him though.
>Thank you for checking in!
**OTHER RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP**
**On not encouraging Sara to get divorced**
>Truthfully, it isn't a matter of self esteem. Sara thinks that he is an asshole sometimes. The simple fact is that he expects her to handle the household and the children. Many people we know feel similarly. I know my fiancé feels similarly although he is more attentive than Sara's husband.
>If she left him, there would be serious financial consequences. She would loose a lot of friends and several of her family members would disapprove. She thinks that her lifestyle is worth it. This isn't a case of her not understanding that he is an asshole sometimes. If this is her choice, I don't think I should act like it isn't hers to make. She has to live with him.
>I love my friend, and I will support her now matter what. Bashing her marriage wouldn't help her. That's just my opinion.
**when asked what Sara's husband provides to the marriage, since Sara takes care od day-to-day parenting and household hores**
>I suppose that a large part of him being a good provider is financial. He makes excellent money which is why she can be more flexible in her own career and choose a job she loves. He also has a large business and social network. She would be loosing a lot if she left him.
>Both Sara and her husband would face several social and financial consequences if they pursued a divorce. Both of them are committed to continuing the marriage. (I have this from a very reliable source on his part.) She told me that it was best to let him sulk, and she will try to make up with him when he gets home.
*
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,026 | 2023-08-30T04:11:08 | Am I wrong for lying to my friend's son about what he was eating? | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1654f1w/am_i_wrong_for_lying_to_my_friends_son_about_what/ | false | false | [
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1654jpl | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Normal-Bottle641
**My husband doesnt want to have intimacy with me unless it is to conceive kids**
**Originally posted to** r/offmychest
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Intimacy issues, possible religious trauma!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15ygzmo/my_husband_doesnt_want_to_have_intimacy_with_me/) **Aug 22, 2023**
Sorry english isnt my first language. I (f26) have recently gotten married to my husband, Edward (m26), two months ago. We both attended the same church ever since we were born, and i started to like him over the years. At 20, we started gradually talking to eachothers and got engaged at 24.
My husband is very religious and never misses a service. I, too, am religious, but not as much as him. We both respect the other's choice and its not really an issue between us. However, when we were dating and engaged, he didnt come near me in any way. For example, we rarely held hands, and he never hugged nor kissed me on the cheeks even tho its a form of greeting thats very used in our culture. It bothered me a bit, but i think that he was doing it out of respect.
The roller-coaster was our wedding night. During the ceremony, we dannced for the first time, we held hands, and when we got to our hotel we hugged and he kissed me for the first time on my lips. It wasnt like making out or anything, just a peck. Thats it. Nothing else. We didnt do anything more. Not even cuddled. We just showered and went to sleep cz we were extremely exhausted. Right when i was about to fall asleep when we were talking, he told me that he wont do anything unless it is to conceive kids.
I wasnt sure of what to say so i just remained silent and dozzed off. This literally crushed my expectations. Ofc, i understand that he doesnt want to do anything. But really? Not until we decide to have kids? (Which is minimum 2 years away). I love my husband with all of my heart and i would never leave him as he is the best and most respectful human being ive ever met and an amazing person overall. But i cant seem to accept this. Ever since i was a teen, i have been addicted to wattpad and spicy stories, so of course, i have always dreamt of my wedding night. I didnt really want to keep my expectations really high cz i knew that it will most likely not come to reality. But i never thought that THIS could happen.
I was dissapointed for the rest of our honeymoon, which lasted a week. I know its my fault for not talking to him about it, but i was really afraid of doing so. You see, im our culture, its not appropriate for a woman to talk about these things, nor initiate intimacy. Plus Edward is religious like i said, so i was afraid of him judging me if i did anything that he could consider unholy or whatever.
I even tried to seduce him for the past couple of months but he wouldnt look at me. Not in a mean way, but he would just laugh it off and give me a peck or something like that. Its really starting to bug me because i have a somewhat high drive and really want to do things with him. I cant help it.
I dont really know whats the reason behind this, and i dont know how to address the subject with him. Once more, i will not even consider leaving him, so please all advice will be appreciated 🙏🏻
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15zg8oc/update_my_husband_doesnt_want_to_have_intimacy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 23, 2023**
Hi. Long story short, for the people who dont want to read a whole story, it turned out that my husband is embarassed of himself and thought that it wasnt normal to feel aroused.
So, after posting yesterday, i was literally bombarded by hundreds of comments suggesting that Edward might be a homosexual and using me to cover up his sexuality. I wasnt ready at all for such a possibility and it had never crossed my mind actually. Compared to other people from our community, we are one of the few who arent homophobic and we previously discussed our sexualities before. I dont want to really get into this topic, but Edward was really honest with me at that time that he is straight and that he cant just picture himself being homosexual, religious or not.
Besides, we both have online jobs, so we are together literally the whole time and have mutual friends, so i would quickly have noticed any suspicious behavior.
Today, i decided to confront him like many of you suggested. I had been repeating continuously my scrpit in my head and went for it. We were both chilling after having lunch, so i asked him if he wanted to talk about sex and intimacy. He said yes and was curious about what was bothering me. I was direct and simply asked him why he wont do anything with me unless it is for kids. Edward got genuinely surprised and confused by my question. At that moment i just wanted to dissappear from this universe and evaporate. Because of the embarrassment, i am not physically able to recall how the conversation went exactly, but it turned out that he thought it wasnt normal to feel aroused around me nor to have sex unless for procreation.
I felt really bad for him. Apparently, thats what he grew up thinking, and thats what his friends and environment he grew up in abused him into believing. I cannot imagine that they did this to him. Im sure it was to make fun of him and mess around which lead to completely messing up his view on sexual matters and desires. AND, there is no way that they also believe in this themselves.
This conversation went on for a couple of hours. I realised that it must have been very hard on him to talk about this specific topic so we had a rest from this subject and took a nap. After that nap, he apologized for not talking about this with me beforehand. We discussed many other things, and the fact that he never displayed any affection before our wedding was due to his beliefs. And dont worry, we also talked about our wedding night. But basically, he got aroused everytime he came near me, so he felt extremely ashamed of showing it or acting on it and thought i was just teasing him. He also didnt want to do something that could be considered bad according to what they fed his mind with.
Not gonna lie, i expressed to him my resentment and the way he never asked for my opinion on this matter. He apologized again and said that he was afraid of what my reaction would be if he expressed himself.
We tried to sorta sort things out and we promised to start working on physical touch. Edward said that he would never do anything that could make me feel down ever again and that he will always be ready to answer all of my questions. This realization was really like a slap across the face for him, so i suggested going to therapy. He immeadiatly agreed and started tomorrow we will look for a therapist.
Going on reddit wasnt really the best idea but it really gave me a push. Having this conversation was def something we should have done sooner, way back when we were engaged.
Also, to everyone telling me to leave, just because the problem was about intimacy doesnt mean i would leave him. Of course, if this took another turn and if i found out that he was cheating on me or lying, i would have mmediately divorced him without looking back. I know that intimacy is very important to couples and healthy relationships, but if Edward is not comfortable and has issues with this matter, i have no choice but to understand him. He has always been there for me and always showed me his love and support, just not throughout physical ways, so the least i could do is understanding him and respecting his boundaries. Until we talk everything out, i will not pressure him into doing anything and would rather do it step by step.
In the end, we cried together and laughed about ourselves. Then, he made us some snacks that we had while watching our favorite tv series. Now, Edward is sleeping right next to me, closer than usual. I feel happy about it even tho its not much, but definitely considered improvement. I also feel much more better than yesterday.
There are still many things that we need to discuss and so many more steps to take. I think i might update our situation later on but rn i would like to thank all the kind comments and nice people who tried to reach out and cheer me up. So yeah
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 3,183 | 2023-08-30T04:17:52 | My husband doesnt want to have intimacy with me unless it is to conceive kids | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1654jpl/my_husband_doesnt_want_to_have_intimacy_with_me/ | false | false | [
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165chrg | Originally posted by u/britty-bird in r/AmItheAsshole on June 25, '23 updated on Aug 18, '23. *Note: The account belongs to the wife but her husband used it to post the AITA question. The wife answers some of the comments.
Trigger Warning: >!Late Miscarriage, abortion!<
**[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14j5yem/aita_for_not_giving_up_my_accommodations_to_my/)**
June 25, '23
**AITA for not giving up my accommodations to my pregnant sister?**
Posting for my hubby but, I 25m and my wife 30f having been visiting family and were given the larger of guest rooms. My family had a lot of people staying but we had been planning to stay with them for over 6 months. An important thing to note is that my wife is halfway through her pregnancy and the smaller guest room was a bit of a tripping hazard. My family set us up so that she wouldn't possibly fall over things.
My sister 20f decided to last minute come by with the bf she has been dating for 2 months. She was only staying one night vs our staying a week. The moment my sister saw that we had the bigger room she flipped shit. She demanded she got to stay in her old room since it used to be hers years ago. She wanted the room for her and her bf. My wife was already asleep (it's been a rough pregnancy for her) so I told my sister there was no way in hell I was going to wake my sleeping, pregnant wife, just so my sister could have a big room for one night.
Later on, the same sister announced that she was less than a month pregnant (tested that morning) and went on about how we were favoring one pregnant woman over another. She also said she "wasn't even allowed to announce it bc it would steal my wife's thunder". She then again tried to demand the big room. AITA for telling her no?
*In the comments:*
The beds are the same size and type in both rooms, just the smaller room only has walking space on one side and our luggage would have covered att the walking space hence the bigger room.
.
No one said she couldn't announce it. It wasn't like our visit was to announce our pregnancy either, it was just a yearly visit we do since we live on the other side of the world essentially. Wife is very shy so even our wedding was tiny since she hates being at the center of attention.
.
Well she is still only 20. I had mentioned we could stay at a hotel if she wanted to stay the rest of the week in the big room but hubby said "hell no, she's an adult and needs to deal with that room no longer being hers and hasn't been for a while."
.
>it seems very odd that she claims to be less than a month pregnant.
OP: Her words were 3 weeks along
>Is your sister a bit “hard of thinking” or just selfish?
OP: Selfish. I have seen her throw a shit fit for not getting spending money from her parents despite having thousands in her bank account.
>Your sister is acting entitled and dredging up any possible reason so that your family will agree with her. Is your sister like this on other issues?
OP: Yes
>I find it comical that you would even question being TA.
OP: With parents who side and spending most of the time enabling her it can feel like it though.
*Judgment: Not the Asshole*
**[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/britty-bird/comments/15v310j/update_on_my_aita_post/)**
Aug 18, '23
**Update on my aita post**
Posted here since the mods won't allow it on the original forum. I understand their opinion seeing as there is no way to post about my sister without it seeming like insults.
It's been a couple of months but there's been a lot of fuckery going on since my last post. I will add a tldr to the end but this post will have more details. Please also keep in mind that I am posting this on my husbands behalf and he agreed to have me post this due to the requests we have received on the last post.
The week after the trip we did have the sad news of my wife having a miscarriage. When I called my family to let them know the mentioned sister replied with "well how does that help me? I'm still pregnant.". She then went on to get proposed to by her bf and she said no. Imagine her shock when he then broke up with her and offered to pay for half an abortion! Of course she wanted an abortion but was angry that her bf left her. So she waited. And waited. And waited until she was too far along to get an abortion in her state then she cried to her mom to come pay for it and take her to another state for it.
Afterward we got a call from mom who was furious. Not because of losing 2 grandchildren in one summer, oh no not that. But because her daughter had told the nurses the following at the appointment: she had a new sexual partner every 6 weeks for the last 1.5 years, was not using any protection with any of them, was not on birth control, didn't know which guy knocked her up, was refusing any free birth control, and had spent the money she was given for the abortion on a new tattoo. So mom had to pay for the trip, procedure, and afterward was told to "just leave already, I'm fine. I don't even know why you came here.". EVEN THOUGH MY SISTER HAD CALLED HER IN TEARS BEGGING FOR HER MOM TO COME HELP HER.
For those wondering about the lack of birth control or condoms, sister said its a religious decision. Same religion that goes against tattoos (she has 7), premarital sex (over 10 partners in a year), and a lot of other things she does. We also got warned by mom to not let her come stay with us when she gets kicked out of her apartment eventually. We didn't need that warning bc of her past behavior but still. Also she told the rest of the family that she a tumor on her ovaries and had to be removed. Not going to tell the family that she was actually removing a 4 month old fetus unless she does something that would deserve that to be revealed.
TLDR: sister got a super late abortion and was a Karen to everyone who helped her. Also revealed that she is doing everything to get pregnant with any guy she can.
**Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.** | 3,969 | 2023-08-30T11:49:41 | AITA for not giving up my accommodations to my pregnant sister? | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165chrg/aita_for_not_giving_up_my_accommodations_to_my/ | false | false | [
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165fa1z | I am not the original poster. Original post in AskaManager. Check out the link below to read Alison's advice.
Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!
Trigger warnings: >!workplace harassment, toxic work environment, touching without consent!<
Mood spoilers: >!eventually things calm down!<
Tldr: >!restrained a coworker’s feet and tickled her, and things went very badly afterwards!<
[My coworker tickled another coworker, and now there is chaos](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/05/my-coworker-tickled-another-coworker-and-now-there-is-chaos.html) - May 2, 2017
My company has had a relatively informal, somewhat relaxed working environment in the past, where colleagues generally got along well and we had a decent time together, even while working hard. Unfortunately, that balance has recently been upended in department I work in.
Two weeks ago, my coworker, Rachel, kicked the power strip under the desk in her cubicle, so she slipped off her heels and crawled under to pop it back in. The young woman in the cubicle behind her, Monica, had a serious lapse in judgment at this point; she knelt down and slipped an arm around Rachel’s ankles when she was vulnerable and began tickling her feet. It was an unusual moment, to say the least, and reactions ranged from amusement to mild horror.
(If you asked Monica, she would would say she only had a light hold to avoid getting kicked during a playful moment that went too far. If you asked Rachel, she’d say she was rendered largely immobile and humiliated. I didn’t have the best view, but it looked to me as though reality was closer to Rachel’s side.)
Our manager, Phoebe, rushed in after several seconds of laughing/shouting to break it up. It was a good thing she was there, because I thought for sure that Rachel was going to slug Monica otherwise! Phoebe walked Monica to HR, and we wondered if Monica was done for. Apparently, they allowed her to remain with the company, but told her she’d be dismissed if she put one toe out of line (heh).
I don’t know the details, but I do know that Rachel was furious that the girl wasn’t fired. Since that point, she has done everything she can to make Monica so unhappy that she feels compelled to quit, from passive-aggressive emails, to trying to rally coworkers to petition management to let her go, to bringing up “the incident” (as it’s come to be called) at every available opportunity. As a result, Rachel is becoming difficult to work with, and Monica is becoming a basket case. It’s gotten to the point where yesterday, I talked to Monica because I felt sorry for her (I’d heard her crying in the ladies’ room that morning) only to have Rachel snarl at me later for trying to be friendly.
I’m fairly certain that Phoebe knows what’s happening, but is hesitant to address the issue with Rachel since she was the original victim. Phoebe is also rather hands-off in management style, so that isn’t helping the situation.
The environment is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and our department being split on whether Monica should have been let go from the start hasn’t helped, and I can sense people starting to take sides. Any advice would be appreciated.
[Update](https://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/update-my-coworker-tickled-another-coworker-and-now-there-is-chaos.html) - September 7, 2017
First and foremost, I want to thank you for taking the time to craft a thoughtful response to my letter.
Monica (the tickler) left the company last week. I don’t know all the details, but I reached out and she said that she and management “came to an understanding,” but wouldn’t say more, and I didn’t push.
She was a middle child in a large family that showed a lot of physical affection, and tickling wasn’t something vicious or mean as far as she was concerned, and it was probably that background that contributed to her lack of judgment. I won’t make excuses for her actions, but I really feel bad for her and hope she finds another position and that she can learn from her mistake instead of being punished for it further.
She is clearly an extrovert and feeling cut off from people and caught in an atmosphere of hostility and isolation really affected her, though how much pressure was from Rachel and how much, if any, came from higher-ups, I couldn’t say. I offered to have coffee and catch up, and if she takes me up on that, I might have more info in the future.
As for Rachel, once Monica was gone, some of my coworkers expected her to gloat or strut around, but she’s been awfully subdued. She doesn’t talk much about anything except work, even inconsequential things. Perhaps that will change, but it’s as if she didn’t know how to react once she got what she wanted. As far as I know, our manager never confronted her, though I won’t swear to that.
Things seem to be getting back to normal, otherwise. Our boss brought some treats, and we did a couple of fun group exercises, and people have relaxed a bit. Still, I’m wary of how quickly things can get deeply uncomfortable.
Thank you again for your time and your advice. | 3,197 | 2023-08-30T13:49:12 | My coworker tickled another coworker, and now there is chaos | EXTERNAL | myexistentialcrisis1 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165fa1z/my_coworker_tickled_another_coworker_and_now/ | false | false | [
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165g11q | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/PinkMonsterXa in /r/AmItheAsshole and on her profile.**
trigger warnings: >!bullying, toxic family, homophobia,domestic abuse, drug addiction, and alcoholism!<
mood spoilers: >!sad, but somewhat hopeful!<
Original [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15vtoxx/aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_the_golden_childs/), as it's too long to include due to the character limit. TL;DR: girl is adopted by her older half-brother and one of her adoptive brothers/nephews, Chad, bullied her saying she "wasn't family" (despite literally being his aunt by blood) and then years later, said brother's wife asked her to babysit. After doing so, one of OP's other brothers/nephews got engaged and said fiancee was told by adoptive mom that OP wasn't interested in being in the wedding. Also, OOp's relationship with another woman (OOP is bi) got outed to the family by one of her adoptive sisters/nieces.
---
[**Clearing thngs up before I update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PinkMonsterXa/comments/15ytmdg/clearing_things_up_before_i_update/) - August 22, 2023
it’s been a really long time. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve updated or posted anything on here. Life has really taken over and I can’t believe how long it’s actually been.
One of my friends who know about my posts recently told me that apparently my posts and stuff have hit Tik Tok. I was surprised when they told me about the huge reactions I was getting over there. I honestly never thought anyone would actually be interested in any of this stuff. I thought I would just post and leave, that no one would be interested in my fucked feelings and family. But apparently not and I am back to give you guys an update.
I do want to go over some things that I have been seeing people saying, and I kind of want to address it.
first, I’ve seen a lot of people thinking and saying that none of the other kids knew that I was their blood half Aunt, that their parents kept them in the dark. That is not true. They knew before they even meet me what was up. They were only going to foster me until I aged out if the kids were not ok with me being adopted. Chad lied I guess when this was discussed. I don't think Chad liked me from the very beginning, and that's why I ultimately think he “lied”. Maybe it's because he wanted to fuck with me mental, so that he could bully me. Chad was a bully in general.
I also finally feel confident in finally speaking out about what happened. My bio half brother never meet our father, his mother was a drug addict who got pregnant with him as a minor & eventually lost rights because she was drinking and doing drugs and not taking care of him. Our father was also a drug addict who was also abusive. He beat me and my mother for years. Sadly my mother took her life in front of me when I was 14. If that wasn't enough my father was also dying of stage four cancer, so I was taken into dcfs custody and put into foster care, I spent almost three years in there before I was fostered by my half brother and his family before being adopted. My father died 4 days after my 17th birthday.
I have also seen people saying “why did she keep going back.” its simply, because I know from going to therapy, that I have abandonment issues. I don't have many friends and I don't have a great support system at all. I thought that I could some how ride out, as stupid as that sounds now, the issues my family was putting on me and it could some how be fixed. Now I see that I can't, I can't do anything because they are all set in their own ways.
I also know that a lot of people are dead set on me pulling the “I'm the aunt” card…but I don't feel like doing that. I was raised beside them as equals. I never wanted to be held to that extreme of being an aunt. I just wanted to feel like a normal kid, to have siblings when I was given the chance to. Just because Chad is a dick doesn’t mean I should pull being their bio half aunt. The other kids see me as a sister, I feel joy in hearing my little siblings call me “sissy, sis, big sister” and even the oldest call me his sister. I love calling them my little brothers/big brother, and big sister/Little sister. I'm not sorry if any else finds a problem with that.
The only villains of all of this have been my half-brother, his wife, Chad and his older sister. All the other kids have never said or treated me any differently.
[**Update: It's Been a While**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PinkMonsterXa/comments/15ytmzu/updateits_been_a_while/) - August 22 at 11:53PM Central
Please check out my other post that clears up some details before this update.
Now let's get to the update:
I did go to the wedding and it was beautiful. I ultimately got seated with some family friends but one of my little brothers and his girlfriend ended up switching the seat names and sat with me as well. It was an amazing ceremony. I did end up ignoring my older sister for half of the night.
After the ceremony Chad immediately walked off for a few minutes, ripping his tie off and went to his wife. Who surprise did not have Seth with them or their other baby, who they named Emily. I don't want to sound rude, but Chad's wife dressed… extremely down. As most of his were wearing suits and nice dresses, she was wearing a tacky cactus-themed dress. (This was a $$$ wedding, I mean out-the-butt kinda stuff, we were told ahead of time to dress EXTREMELY nice for this wedding).
I wish I could say that everyone making the huge fuss about the table seating’s was right.
I comically wish that I could tell you guys that I went bat shit crazy and just started like you know fucking threatening people, and stuff. Throwing tables, making a scene.
well, I can’t because it might shock you, it might not what happens next.
Chad and his wife go “Well we would love to stay but we have to get home to the kids. We left them with -insert wife mom's name, who now lives with them.- and we should just head home to be safe.” before just walking away from everyone. Everyone was shocked for a good hour once we all started to be seated in the dinning hall. They didn't even say goodbye to bride or groom before just walking off and leaving.
Mind you it was a 30-minute drive to the venue and the wedding was about maybe an hour in. Which they were late to anyway. They showed up about 20 minutes before the ceremony started. They didn't even stay for the speech or food, let alone dancing. My feeling where a bit mixed after that. Although Chad wasn’t around to ruin the rest of my night celebrating, it still dented it. I spent the night having fun with new friends, eating and talking with my little brother's girlfriend, and finally drinking and dancing on the dancefloor. It was overall a great time.
I have since parted ways, kinda, with my half-brother and mom, along with my sister. My sister has tried to make small attempts to mend our relationship. Though I still do not know if I will ever forgive her for outing my queer relationship to her parents when it was made evident that it wasn't a good idea. We occasionally text each other and send random memes and videos. It's something I guess.
my bio half brother has made it extremely clear that he is still extremely uncomfortable by my lifestyle. I can’t really hold a conversation with him anymore as he makes things very political and controversial. it’s to the point of where I can’t even ask him “Hey what shows have you been watching on TV?” for small chat without him going on a borderline homophobic or trans phobic rant because he can't stand lgbtq+ characters in shows or even movies. I have since borderline blocked him.
Mom is the same as she was before. I think she tries to block out most of….me. You know how people will look at you with dead eyes like there aren't even there when you talk to them? That’s what it’s like talking with her half of the time. She still makes an effort to talk to me and keep up with everything I’m doing, but I slowly have grown more distant from her as I no longer want to continue with the way she makes me feel and her negative aura. Something about her just no longer makes me want to be around her.
Chad and his wife have made no effort to talk to me again. Though I do not care much anymore. I have not blocked him as he has not tried to call or message me. I will simply try and ignore him if he does. I haven't seen Seth since me babysitting him or meet Emily. I doubt I will and as bad as it sounds, I don’t care if I ever do.
I am not is family…. So I do not care anymore.
I want to say a quick, thank you to everyone who has been supporting me throughout this whole thing. in a sad sense. I want to tell you all that this will be my last post. At least I hope.
I am now in therapy, and I am living to the best of what I can.
I want to hope that I will never have to deal with Chad again and I won’t have to deal with most of my weird family. But I know on some level I might have to.
My therapist says it may take years for me to overcome a lot of the feelings and emotions that I have toward my entire family.
I am only hoping that one day I can truly sort out my feeling about this family in general.
I might update in a few months when I have family pictures. Until then I will be trying to continue the life that I have started without them constantly in my ear.
—-edit——- Putting it out there, I maybe talk to any of them 2-3 times a month at most. I am currently working to cut them out at my own pace. Me and my therapist are working at this. There for, as I do read comments, I won't care if anyone continues to make comments about me not leaving or cutting them off completely. Both that and this arc in my life have caused me trauma, I am working on myself under the guidance of a professional. For my own mental and physical health I am going at my own pace. Thank you.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,737 | 2023-08-30T14:18:47 | [New Update] AITA For refusing to babysit the golden childs baby after he disowned me for being adopted? | NEW UPDATE | J_S_M_K | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165g11q/new_update_aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_the/ | false | false | [
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165h1u2 | **I am NOT OP. Original post published on AskAManager in 2018**
trigger warnings: >!ableism, workplace harrassment, weirdness!<
mood spoilers: >!vindicating!<
---
[My Coworkers Keep Trying to Find Out What My Chronic Illness Is](https://www.askamanager.org/2018/06/my-coworkers-keep-trying-to-find-out-what-my-chronic-illness-is.html) - June 6 2018
I’m 22, working my first job out of university while getting my MA in the evenings. Most of my coworkers are at least 20 years older than me — it’s rare to get a job like this right out of school, but I interned for them during my undergrad and they offered me a job after graduation. My coworkers tend to make a lot of comments about my age, personal appearance, etc. — comparing me (usually positively) to their own children, introducing me to guests as “our child prodigy,” etc. It’s all complimentary and I know that I stand out, so even though I find it annoying and think it undermines my professionalism, I let it go.
However, there’s one thing that I just can’t stand (pardon the pun). I have several chronic illnesses, including severe arthritis and a degenerative bone condition. As a result, I use a wheelchair for distances, although I can walk. I usually take public transit to work, and as a result am usually in my wheelchair. However, recently my partner has started working close to my job and she has a car. The distance from our apartment to the parking lot and from the street to my desk is short enough that I have been using my forearm crutches instead.
The first time my coworkers saw me walking with my crutches, they were all shocked and confused even though I had never claimed to be paralyzed. When they asked why I used my wheelchair at all if I could walk, I explained that I have several chronic illnesses and that my mobility was variable. Most let it go at that, but a couple of them –“Barb” and “Sandra,” who are the most frequent offenders with the “child prodigy” talk — asked for details I wasn’t comfortable giving at work.
Now, every time either of them is in a room with me, they ask increasingly invasive questions. Once, both of them were in our break room with me and Barb asked “is it terminal?” and I said no. She turned to Sandra and said, “Well, then it’s not MS, cross that one off the list.”
I think that Barb and Sandra are playing a kind of weird game of “20 questions” to figure out what is “wrong” with me. Others have been present when they talk to me about it, and nobody seems to think that its inappropriate. I mentioned it to my supervisor and she (a colleague of Barb and Sandra’s, they’re the same age and have all been working here since we opened) said that they were just showing that they care.
Am I off-base here? It seems wildly inappropriate, but I don’t have the formal or informal standing to shut it down.
[**updates: the chronic illness and nosy coworkers**](https://www.askamanager.org/2018/12/updates-the-chronic-illness-and-nosy-coworkers-the-icebreaker-fan-and-moreupdates-the-chronic-illness-and-nosy-coworkers-the-icebreaker-devotee-and-more16260.html) - December 20 2018
NOTE: OOP said in the comments of the update post that they mixed up their pseudonyms when sending in the update. "Deb" and "Sandra" are the same person.
First, I want to thank you and all of the readers for you advice and compassion. I particularly want to thank some of the comments which pointed out that I felt like I couldn’t push back on their comments because of the age difference. They were right, and it’s been really helpful for me to realize that I tend to “go along” with a lot of things that make me uncomfortable in the office because of the perceived authority that comes with age, even when those giving the directions don’t actually have any authority over me or my job.
On to the update — I wish I had better news, but it’s been a bit of a mixed bag. I used your scripts with Barb and Deb, and it got some of the comments to die down — except that now, they have been telling other coworkers that I am too arrogant, that I shut them down when they were trying to help, and have suggested that I think I am “better than a couple old ladies”. I promise you that that is not an accurate description of me or my actions. I always try and acknowledge how valuable their contributions are, and I am very careful to be polite and conscientious. So in that arena, at least, I don’t think my job is going to get any easier in the near future. I am very grateful to have a job in my field at all, especially as we just elected a government where I live that is going to make it even more difficult to find full-time jobs in social work (my field). I love the client-facing part of my job, and it feels like I’m making a difference, so even if there was any possibility of finding a comparable job in this market and with my experience level (there isn’t), it would be very difficult for me to leave it.
However, there is a bright spot! One of my other part-time jobs involves giving anti-oppression and equity training, mostly for government agencies, NGOs, and schools. My great-grandboss, who founded our organisation, was in attendance at one recently. Afterwards, she approached me and complimented me on my skills and asked if I would consider writing and giving similar training to our staff — all of us. It might be petty, but ableism and anti-ableism make a pretty significant part of the training and I am really looking forward to looking Barb and Deb in the eye as I give it.
Great-grandboss seems to think I have potential and indicated that she was really happy I was part of the organization. She seems to think I have a future here, which I remind myself every time Barb glares at me in the kitchen or Deb says loudly “I think it’s terrible that people take advantage of accommodations when they don’t really need it!”. (For the record, my only workplace accommodations are an adjustable height-desk that I can fit my wheelchair under, and a speech-to-text software on my work computer for when my arthritis is flaring too badly to type.)
I hope to have a more positive update for you soon. Thank you again for your kindness and knowledge. | 4,781 | 2023-08-30T14:58:48 | OP's Coworkers Keep Trying to Find Out What Their Chronic Illness IS [AskAManager] | EXTERNAL | Fluffy-School-7031 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165h1u2/ops_coworkers_keep_trying_to_find_out_what_their/ | false | false | [
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165n91u | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Right-Essay9910 **in** r/AITAH
trigger warnings: >!infidelity, verbal abuse!<
mood spoilers: >!positive for OOP, some compromise might be possible!<
*For context OOP that they are not in the US in one of her comments.*
[**AITAH for being wanting to end my relationship because my fiancé wants to spend Christmas with his daughter and ex-wife?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15wlyrg/aitah_for_being_wanting_to_end_my_relationship/) **- 20th August 2023**
I (f29) met my fiancé(m35) 5 year ago, he had a 2 year old daughter who he has shared custody of with his ex wife (f40).
I always admired his friendship with his ex and how they’re raising their daughter amicably. The first Christmas he told me that he was going to spend it with his ex-wife and baby. He stays the whole three days 24-26. I didn’t even think about it because we we’re been dating for some months only. I usually fly home to my parents on Christmas anyway.
This happened every Christmas afterwards and I was fine. He proposed to me in February. Yesterday he asked me if I was going to buy my flight to my parents early so I don’t need to pay 3-4 times the cost if I buy it around Christmas. I was surprised. I told him that I thought that we could do Christmas together this year. He said what? We (his ex and he) always celebrate Christmas together for the daughters sake. I told him that it was not ok now we are engaged to be married. I asked him why they don’t do alternate Christmases or days like other divorced couples but he said no we promised to make out daughters life as normal as possible.
I started thinking after his words. I don’t know how this will work in the future, after 5 years together I’m still shipped away every Christmas and I know its for the little girl who I adore but I feel sick to my stomach.
I think I want to end the relationship but he thought I was being so selfish and horrible. I feel horrible too but I don’t see any future with him.
**Update**
Fiancé just got home and showed me a text he got from his ex. He told her basically that he was planning to include me in this Christmas.
Her answer was long and harsh saying that I wasn’t really family yet and that she wasn’t comfortable with a stranger in her house. Then she accused him of being weak and prioritizing a woman over his daughter who’s in a sensitive age now.
So he asked me that maybe not this year, but next year I’m definitely family because we will be married and his ex won’t have any other excuses
I feel more conflicted now. Could I stay another year and hope it gets better? Or should I just cut my losses when he obviously isn’t trying to support me? I know it’s his daughter he’s thinking of and he doesn’t want to make waves. But I feel like I’m nothing right now
**Comments**
*This is strange for long term. Have a serious discussion about what the future looks like. Once you have a family the dynamics will change for his daughter and your future children. If he is planning on factoring in the exs opinion long term you gotta move on now*
>Thank you! I felt doubt that maybe it wasn’t my place to ask him to be with me this Christmas. Like I’m not that important in his life
​
*That’s what I’m wondering as well. If he is not allowing her to go with him for Christmas it seems extremely insensitive but at the same time I could see the whole “keep it normal” for their daughter. This situation is messy due to a young child who doesn’t understand divorce yet*
>She does understand divorce since she’s been living with us every other week
​
*If she understands then I think it’s fair if you get some Christmases for yourself and she gets them before or after Christmas (like divorce should be) and other years she gets the Christmas Day and you see your parents. Kinda strange to consider breaking the engagement that fast. Talk it out with your fiancé, maybe he doesn’t understand your pain*
>I know. I don’t know how to make him understand my pain. I asked him why he isn’t doing like any other divorced people and honestly I even think it’s healthier for the little girl.
>
>When I asked him how he will do when we have children, he said well they will have me all year, what is a Christmas compared to a whole year. He later told me he was joking around but I don’t know. It didn’t feel like a joke.
​
**OOP on the breakup with the ex**
*Ex cheated on and left him for her AP when she got caught. AP went back to his wife after a couple of months but my fiancé didn’t take his ex back. She tormented her AP’s wife who also just found out her marriage is over. She tormented her everywhere to the degree the AP and his wife reconnected. She found out she was pregnant and it was my fiancé’s. He wanted shared custody from the starter.*
*He will reject her no matter if he was single or not. Because even if he doesn’t say it and pretend otherwise, he doesn’t even like her or her personality. Once I heard him talking to his mum and saying that he can’t even believe he once liked her, then he said never mind as long as she’s a good mother and we get along that’s the most important*
*Beside these three days, my fiancé has no interest in calling or texting his ex about anything but his daughter. If he wanted more he would have wanted her the rest of the year too. He is even too grateful when I pic the little girl from her mother sometimes because he can’t stand her manners or personality.*
*These three days are spent with other family members. Both his ex’s family but his as well. Not only him with her.*
*The ex cheated on him and he never wanted anything to do with her since he found out. And according to many in the family the love was gone even before her affair. They weren’t happy. And he was firm saying no each time his ex tried to get back together with him or asked for marriage counseling. When he found out the child was his he still didn’t want anything to do with the ex. Just custody 50%*
*I know it is romantic for people here to ship them together (with no regards to my feelings) and honestly if they do, I’d totally understand, at least the little one can have her parents together but I know that the chances are slim to none. But you can believe whatever and I won’t delete this comment even if I find downvotes to be hurtful. I know my fiancé well. He will sure move on if we break up but with another woman and hopefully he learns from his mistake with me and set better boundaries with his ex about holidays and including his partners.*
**OOP also reveals:**
*Tbh I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I hesitated to write it here but I haven’t told him yet, then I asked him about our future children and him not being around every Christmas and he replied that it’s only fair, it broke me.*
**Verdict - NTA**
​
[**My fiancé has told his ex that he’s having Christmas in our place this year. Hell broke loose**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15z8h2q/my_fianc%C3%A9_has_told_his_ex_that_hes_having/) **- 23rd August 2023**
My fiancé and I have been in constant conversation about what happened and I have sensed that he is basically terrified of rocking the boat. I don’t know if he is scared of his ex or something but he kept saying that his daughter is the one who’s going to pay should he and his ex start fighting. Anyway he said that he understands that this wasn’t an ultimate solution and that he and I are a family now. He said he will talk to his ex about new arrangement.
He’s done that now and told the ex that he wanted Christmas at our house this year, as per their custody agreement, Christmas and other holidays should be on alternate years with each parent. And that she’s welcome to spend Christmas eve with us since she doesn’t feel comfortable with having me at her house.
She called him about 100 times screaming and hauling insults at him, telling him he was a moron choosing pussy (I’m sorry) over his own daughter and that he is a worthless coward and a piece of garbage. He stopped answering her after a while. She sent him email last night that she’s going to talk to her lawyer to get full custody and threatening that he will never see his daughter again.
I was shocked because I have never seen her escalate like this and I feel guilty for starting this whole thing. I apologized to my fiancé but he said that it wasn’t my fault and that he knew this would happen but that it was time to take this battle as he always knew he would need to sooner or later. He didn’t sleep and has been sad but he said he wasn’t worried about her threats because she can’t do anything but he hates that she is probably gonna use his daughter against him when he promised himself to never do that. He said he has been compliant all these years for his daughter’s sake but he always knew this day was coming when he can’t just be a doormat anymore
I don’t know what to do now. I still feel responsible for what happened and I hate seeing him distraught and sad. I haven’t even told him we are expecting either. I feel empty
**Verdict - NTA**
**Comments**
*Can’t he use these threats and E-Mails against her in court? I don’t think that she will win, im pretty sure she’s going to loose more than him.*
>He said he can. It was like this when his daughter was born and she tried to pressure into getting back together with threats and intimidation about not giving him custody or letting him see her. That’s why he isn’t worried about her but now I understand why he has been so reluctant to take matters into his own hands. He knows his ex and he knows his daughter will end up being the one hurting seeing her parents’ true colors.
>
>I told him that I was fine with spending this Christmas with my parents this year. He said no, he needs to put his foot down.
​
*Wow. No wonder she’s his EX wife. This isn’t a normal reaction obviously. Save everything in case there really is a custody fight. Threatening him could be considered parental alienation. Good for your husband do making a stand. Clearly this will affect his daughter but that is on the ex, not him. It’s her rage that will traumatize the kid.*
>Between calls and missed calls she’s contacted him 105
>
>Around 60 texts
>
>And two “professional” emails
​
>She just texted an apology to him and that she overreacted. She wants to discuss matters civilly now and asking to meet
​
>Well we are supposed to pick her up tomorrow but her mother just sent an email that she’s having her this week because they’re going on a trip
>
> They have been more flexible before with the weeks but the timing this time made my fiancé upset. Like this is not the first time it happens because like isnt always predictable and sometimes they just take more than a week or less etcBut he doesn’t like that she would do that now when they’re having problems. He has agreed however. Because the girl seems to be very excited
**Flairing as ongoing as Christmas is still 4 months away**
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,201 | 2023-08-30T18:53:01 | OOP wonders AITAH for being wanting to end my relationship because my fiancé wants to spend Christmas with his daughter and ex-wife? | ONGOING | Stephenallen1977 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165n91u/oop_wonders_aitah_for_being_wanting_to_end_my/ | false | false | [
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165o5rh | **I am NOT OP. Originally posted by** u/omega2ospreay **in** r/TrueOffMyChest
[**Original BORU is here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11p6xu5/my_stepdad_turned_my_family_against_me_new_update/) **created by** u/KittenDealinMama **posted 12th March 2023**
trigger warnings: >!false allegations of cheating, infidelity, mention of physical abuse, verbal threats !<
mood spoilers: >!positive for OOP!<
*Reformatted the original BORU to newer format.*
**Updates are from 7th July 2023.**
​
[**My stepdad turned my family against me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10uww2x/my_stepdad_turned_my_family_against_me/) **- 6th February 2023**
So, let me start this off by saying I apologize for how long this may be. My dad passed when I was 15. Him and my mom weren't all that close by that time, so while it hit me hard, she wasn't as fazed as you'd expect. I joined the military when I was 17, and in my first year out of the house my mom remarried. I never really vibed with him, just had different personalities and such. He would often make snide remarks and tell me to, "man up," about any inconvenience I'd be upset about. This led to spats between us, and I was often just as at fault as he was for these disagreements, though it never got too serious.
I got medically discharged after a little under 5 years and my mom and him said they'd be happy to have me back in the house. I told them it'd be brief, just until I got on my feet and got a job, and even offered to pay rent, to which they declined. About 3 days in to being back home my stepdad when alone with me, asked what he thought a fair rent would be. I was confused, but it was his house, so we came to an agreement, and I kept it from my mom assuming he did not want her to know as he never mentioned it around her. I never asked for anything from them, not out of spite, I just wanted to do things myself. He had a son from a previous marriage. Him and I didn't share many common interests or anything, but I never had any issues with him, I'd say we got along. The only thing is, he was given a lot from them. Paid for his schooling, paid for his car, paid for his living arrangements, through college and even after, (I was a little less than a year older than him, so he started college right after they married.) Like I said, I didn't want or need the help but it felt lame that he'd get all that assistance and I was immediately asked for rent, but I digress.
I moved out after 3 months, and not long after met a girl who I was crazy about and we started dating. It was my first relationship, and I was over the moon the entire time. Like in that early relationship haze but it was just constant. I was very nervous to bring her home. My mom and I were very close, and I always worried she'd be very judgmental of a girl I'd bring home. My worries ended up being unwarranted, they got along extremely well. My gf does not have a family really, (long story) so my mom and stepdad became like that for her. Her and my mom hit it off extremely well to the point they were hanging out just the two of them at times, and it made me extremely happy. My stepdad even really liked her, and I felt it brought us closer together, which isn't something I felt I wanted until we were. His dad abandoned his family growing up, and he put himself through school and got a nice high paying job all by himself which I had immense respect in him for.
About a year in I knew this was the girl I was going to marry. I told my mom and stepdad and they both seemed extremely happy. She was practically part of the family already. My mom gave me her engagement ring my dad gave her which she kept. The job I had didn't pay great, so I figured even if it wasn't the ring she'd always have, it'd be a great placeholder. When I proposed my gf told me it wasn't a placeholder and she absolutely loved it. I was legitimately never happier in my life. We started wedding planning and my mom and stepdad said they'd help take care of the finances. It was the first time they'd offered to help me financially and it really meant a lot.
Fast forward to about 3 months later, I get a call from my stepdad who said I needed to come over. Felt a bit ominous, but I went over there after work. When I got there, my mom, stepdad, stepbrother, and fiancée. I saw her on the couch and could tell she had been crying. I immediately thought someone had died and went to go sit next to her when my stepdad stopped me. He started hitting me with accusations of me cheating on her for our entire relationship. I was puzzled and told everyone there I don't even text any women I'm not related to besides her. Apparently, some girl had gotten my fiancée's number and told her that we were sleeping together for over a year now, but she didn't know I was in a committed relationship. She sent her screenshots of alleged conversations and knew stuff about me that a random person wouldn't know. I, like a fool, couldn't see what was happening in front of me. I was stunned, saddened, and furious. I begged her from across the room to look at my phone and see I'd never done any of that. Her and my mother were both weeping, and I started to cry. My stepdad called me every word he could think of and escorted me out of the house while telling me if he saw me on his property again, he'd call the police.
I spent the next several weeks trying to contact them to no avail. Calls, texts, voicemails, every messaging app out there, nothing. After those weeks I got a call from my stepdad who told me to stop trying to contact her, and that I was never welcome in his house or around HIS family again. I tried to call my mother over this time to no avail as well. After about a month, all I got from anyone was a text from my mother saying how sad and disappointed she was. My mom didn't really have much family, so they always spent holidays with my stepdad's side. They all shunned me as well. I saw their Christmas pictures on Facebook with my ex-fiancée present and seemingly in good spirits, which crushed me. The only family I had that would talk to me at all, was my dad's brother and his family. Despite that even, they all seemed wary of me too. The only one that I think truly believed me was my uncle. I don't think I'd have made it without him honestly. He showed me what I'd been missing in fatherly love, and I've never been so grateful for anyone.
About 6 months after it all, I moved away from the east coast and settled out in California, needing to get away from it all. A little less than a year after I moved, I got call from an area code from back home, which I rarely got anymore. I picked up and it was my stepbrother, whom I promptly hung up on. He called me back, and I ignored it, but it stuck with me all day. I decided that if he called back again, I'd pick up. Which he did later that night. It was awkward, at best. He told me my fiancée was really torn up for a long time. It took her nearly a year to even start looking again for a significant other, (I hadn't at all since it ended). A few months into her doing so my stepdad encouraged him to ask her on a date, which he did. Things went ok for the first couple outings but never really clicked apparently.
He told my stepdad about that, and the idiot told him, "I didn't get rid of OP for nothing, she's a great girl, you need to figure it out with her." I almost collapsed, and it was quickly replaced with anger. Apparently, he had gotten a girl (I still don't know who) to pose as someone I had an affair with and forged some message screenshots to have her send to my fiancée. He told me he'd said it to him about a month ago, and he didn't know what to do. Apparently, it bothered him enough that he couldn't just sit on the info anymore, so he told me and said he was going to tell my mom and fiancée the next day. He called me first as a courtesy, so he knew what to say to them regarding me. I told him where I was, and that I'd appreciate it if they didn't immediately contact me, so I had some time to digest it all.
That was last Tuesday, I just texted him and told him I was ready to talk to them if they wanted to, and that they could call me tomorrow. I really don't know what I'm gonna say, or them for that matter. I expect some tears and a good number of apologies among other things. I don't really know if I'm ready to give forgiveness or anything like that. The only person I've told so far is my uncle, who I've asked to keep it to himself. Sorry again for how long this was. My therapist picked a shit week to go on vacation, and I needed to vent.
Update: Will post a longer update tonight I think. No phone calls from anyone else yet, but a good call from my stepbrother that felt nice. I appreciate the support from everyone, I'll try to get to all the comments as well when I get a chance.
[**Update: My stepdad turned my family against me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/10y69su/update_my_stepdad_turned_my_family_against_me/) **- 9th February 2023**
**Date 2/6**
Alright, sorry for the delay. Busy day at work, and obviously a lot of other stuff on my mind. My stepbrother called me this morning and told me exactly what happened this past week. So apparently, what my stepfather said wasn't exactly what he told me. He elaborated more and said he was very careful with his words so as to not incriminate himself. Per him, heavily and very clearly implying what he did without directly saying what he did. Thing about my stepbrother is, he's much smarter than me. Instead of just walking to my mother and fiancée with that and getting into a shouting match with his dad, he took a different course that I wouldn't have thought of. He got ahold of my ex's phone and found the girl. Said it took him forever to back track it. He gave her a call and got her to meet him out in public. That's where it all came to head.
She was a tinder match with my stepfather, which I think pretty clearly indicates that he had been sleeping around on my mom. That irritated me even more, for obvious reasons. This girl alleges they did not sleep together, however whether that is the truth did not matter to me. What does is my stepbrother talked to her and pulled on her heartstrings with the story and all that had happened. (For the record, she clearly knew what she was doing, maybe the time and hearing what had happened to me really shook her up but again, it doesn't matter to me.) She told him what happened. A thousand dollars for a phone call. That was the deal. He told her what to say and supplied the pictures of "evidence". She made the call and that was that. My stepbrother asked her if she could tell my mother and ex, (and even offered to pay her again for the record). She agreed to for free and that happened on yesterday. My stepfather is on a business trip until Wednesday, so it was the 4 of them there. She came in and spilled it all to my mom and ex. Stepbro said the tears started almost immediately from all three of them. After everything he told them I was in California and that he'd tell them when I wanted to be contacted, (was before I texted him).
A little backstory for you guys to try to understand some stuff about my mother and ex-fiancée, and this is in no way defending their actions, just to help some folks understand. My mother and I were inseparable after my dad passed. We were each other's rock. When I turned 16, I began to drink to kinda dull it all a bit. I told my mom we'd spend New Year's together the year I was 16 and ended up out with my friends drunk as all hell. I got a text from my mom who spent the night alone at home and that was where we were never quite the same. She sent me a text about how sad she was she was all alone, and I felt like complete shit over it. I stopped drinking that day until after everything went to hell. She is the type of person to always need someone. She can't handle being alone. I think when her and my dad's love began to fade, I filled that void, and when I was growing and ended up leaving home, my stepfather filled that void.
Then my ex. As I said earlier, she doesn't have a family really. She had some real trust issues due to this along with some really nasty past relationships. Despite this, she never would talk badly about past boyfriends, which I really admired. (One was physically abusive, and I consider that an obvious exception.) I, despite being debilitatingly shy, have been often told that I'm cute, especially by younger girls, (meaning younger than me, not children.) I really never liked that title, as it's not very masculine, but got over it and learned to appreciate my boyish face and how often I would blush. My fiancée is just shy of 3 years older than me. I've always preferred older girls, and never given much time or thought to the girls who seemingly liked me because they were 18-20. This didn't stop attention which upset my fiancée. She'd often ask why I wasn't interested in these girls/why I didn't leave her for someone younger and prettier, etc. I always found her extremely attractive, significantly more attractive than me honestly, and would always reiterate that to her, and that I never cared about any other girl.
Ok, sorry to get off track. That again I hope brings a little insight to why I think they did what they did and believed what they believed. Again, this is not an excuse for them, nor am I really all that understanding personally. At the end of the call with my brother, he said they both wanted to call today, and I told him that'd be fine. So, I sat and waited. By about 3 PM I was a little confused. I started to wonder if he'd made it all up to mess with me. It really worried me honestly. I got a text from him asking if I was all good. I said yeah, and asked if they were actually planning on calling today. He said they'd been trying for the last few hours. I'd blocked them both when I moved out west and forgotten. Why I didn't block him, I don't know. I'm thankful I didn't though. I unblocked them both and got a call from my mom about 10 minutes later.
First thing she said was I sounded different. I almost hung up right then. Took all I had to just say, "yeah." She broke down immediately after that. I really thought I'd feel more. I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing but the pain of it all just took hold of me more than her words. She asked if I'd gotten her texts, I said no. I guess she'd been trying to text over the last year, but I had her number blocked. If she really wanted to reach me, she could have. Maybe that's a little shitty, but I know it's true. I pretty much told her that I'd be willing to build some semblance of a relationship back with time, and she was happy with that. She also told me she was getting all her necessities out of the house before my stepfather got home, and she'd be filing for divorce immediately. I believe her too. She may be a poor excuse for a mother in my eyes, but she's never been someone to take half measures. I really wish I could be there to see that prick's face when he comes back to an empty home.
My ex got the phone next and did the same tearful apologies my mom did. I felt a little more with her. I actually tried to get her to think and remember how many times I told her I'd never do that to her and how much I loved her. She was beside herself, and to be honest, I'm glad. We talked for about half an hour, and I really thought it was pleasant. I, even though I told myself for over a year now that it'd never happen again, thought there could still be something for us. She told me she still had the ring, and it made me upset. I told her to give it to my mom, cause it didn't belong to either of us anymore. I could tell that really crushed her, and selfishly, I wanted it to. She asked if she could call/text me. I told her it was fine, but to not expect a prompt response either way, which she understood. Pretty much gave her the same ultimatum as my mom. Though I said any chances of us having a future relationship were very slim. She said she understood that too.
I talked to my brother last and thanked him for everything he'd done. He was helping my mom get her stuff out of his father's house. He apologized for all that had happened and told me he was going to go tell the rest of the family everything as well. Them, I have no connection to and won't say a word to I don't imagine. Except my stepdad's mother. Oldest person in any of the families and she wished me a happy birthday and Merry Christmas over the last year. Maybe she was old enough that she doesn't care, maybe she felt bad, but I'll talk to her, odd as it is. Sorry for all the rambling. I fly home for my uncle's 60th birthday the first week of March, it'll be my first-time home since I moved out here. I'll definitely plan on seeing my brother as well. I'm not adverse to seeing my mom and ex, but I've made it clear to them, that I've got a lot of healing to do, and so do they. If anything, further happens I'll update again, maybe after that trip home, but that looks like it for the time being.
Also, this is kinda the last "social media" I have. I haven't been on here super often in the last year for the reasons I'm sure you could guess. I truly haven't seen any similar stories to mine that have been referenced in the comments, (though I'd like to if you can find them). I'm more than happy to answer any questions anyone would have regarding this whole thing to the best of my knowledge. Thank you everyone.
**Brief Update on 2/8:**
Got a call from a number back home. I deleted most of my numbers a while ago from anyone I wasn't talking with. I picked up and it was my stepfather. He said hello and I hung up and blocked the number. I immediately called my mom, fiancée, and brother. They're all safe, not around him. Mom is in hotel that he doesn't know about, fiancée and brother are at their residences, and both say they feel adequately protected. (He is not by any indication a violent man but better safe than sorry.) My brother said he got a call from him this morning when he got home after my mom wasn't there and wouldn't answer. Brother told him what happened and not to contact any of them. Not sure how long he sat there but he called me around 3 PM Pacific. About an hour ago I got a message from a different number saying, "We need to talk." I assume that's him. I haven't responded. That's the latest.
**Brief Update 2/9:**
Stepdad's mother called me. Had her number saved because of what I previously stated. Was a bit worried it may have been him trying to gather some info or something. It wasn't. She's a very sweet lady who did not have to be nice to me in any way but has shown me compassion. She was very nice and wished me well while also apologizing on behalf of the family. I thanked her and wished her the best too. Shocking he came from that woman.
​
[**Update 2: My stepdad turned my family against me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/11gv4ae/update_2_my_stepdad_turned_my_family_against_me/) **- 3rd March 2023**
Alright, sorry for the delay everyone. Work has been busy, and I just got home this past weekend.
I sat on that message from what it turns out, was in fact my step father. My curiosity got the better of me and I called him. (I did do what some had suggested and recorded the call using a different app.) I wish I could say the call provided me something but that would be disingenuous. Hearing his voice made my skin crawl. He asked how I was, I told him to cut the shit, and he laughed. Nothing incriminating on his end, of course. Talk was about 3 minutes long, about nothing. I did ask him why he wasn't content with me being with her. He said I wasn't, "Man enough," and that a woman like her would've been wasted on me. He has a very traditional way of thinking relationship wise. Which is especially funny, because it shows how much he never knew about our relationship, or her in general.
Without going off on a tangent, my ex was/is pretty notably against gender norms, (she has a very well paying job and told me she'd never be comfortable being a stay at home mom/wife, she often took the initiative for stuff in our relationship, etc.) There wasn't really much to take away from the conversation other than that. I dont really know what he wanted but I told him not to call me again and hung up. Not very eventful on that front.
I flew back home prior to the weekend last week and went to my uncle's birthday party. Had a good time and the family was very welcoming and apologetic for not being more supportive after everything. (None of them were ever rude or anything, I've got no negative feelings towards any of them). I talked with my brother and set up a meeting at his place with my ex and mother on Wednesday night.
On Wednesday, I went over there and got what I expected. Lot of tears, lot of apologies. I admittedly had a tough time keeping it together. I talked with both of them and my brother all independently. Mom has already filed for divorce which is good and I appreciate her doing so. We had a decent conversation. You can tell it's strained but I think we're making some progress towards healing.
My brother and I had a good talk. Was nice to talk with him in person. He apologized for everything that had happened, and I accepted it. Can definitely tell he feels remorse for how it all shook out, and for the work he put in to make it right, I definitely don't hold a grudge.
My ex and I had a very long discussion through most of the night. We'd been talking over the phone for the last couple weeks already. A lot of it was just catching up. We're obviously two very different people now after nearly a year and a half away. We had some more serious discussions later on, about everything. About how screwed up it all was and how broken I was by it all. She told me she'd already seen a therapist and asked if I would be willing to come with her to her appointment Thursday. She's gone above and beyond for everything I could've asked of her the last few weeks, and I am really truly appreciative of it. I went with her to her therapy appointment, which I feel was very productive for everyone. Her therapist seemed to be very appreciative of me being there as well. So we stayed talking for a while after and I decided to ask if she wanted to go out Saturday night. So that's the plan right now. I don't know exactly what's going to happen but I wanted to show her that I appreciate the effort she's putting in to try and mend what's been broken. And selfishly, I'd like to see her in a setting that isn't like the ones we've been in.
So that's the update for now. Things are looking up, haven't seen any of my stepdad or his family since getting home. Appreciate all the support from everyone. Will update with anything new.
**Update 3/5**:
Date went very well. We had a nice night together. Got dinner, went to an arcade after, which we used to do somewhat frequently. It's the first date I've been on in nearly a year and a half, and I enjoyed myself a lot. We went back to her place after and talked. Going to discuss the next steps during this week before I head back to California. The distance part is going to be the hardest part, but I think it'll help keep the rose colored glasses off if we aren't with each other constantly. Thank you again for the support from everyone.
​
**\*\*Update from Previous Post starts here** [**Update 2 Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/11gv4ae/update_2_my_stepdad_turned_my_family_against_me/jw07c0k/?context=8&depth=9) **was editted 10th July 2023\*\***
**Update 7/10**:
Lot of folks were asking for another update (thanks tiktok). I have remained in contact with my brother, mom, and ex. Brother and I still talk a reasonable amount. Mom and I have been building back, definitely some improvements there, I'm truly glad she's back in my life, even if it's gonna take some time for her to really be like a mother to me again. My ex and I spent a long time trying to see what was the best way to go about things. She flew out and spent time with me in California which was very nice. At the moment we're not together, and I think that's best for right now.
As for my ex step father, I really have no clue. He tried to contact my mother a few times following everything but he never got a chance to talk. He hasn't been in contact with me at all, and for that I'm thankful. Hope I never run into him again.
Life changes, I did end up moving back east for a new job. Few states away from my family still, which I think is healthy. Am happy to answer any other questions you guys might have. Thank you for all the support in this madness.
**Comments from OOP**
*How are you and mom, ex, brother doing? Please ps from tik Tok lol*
>No crazy changes since my last one. Mom and I are doing better, ex and I are in touch though not together for the time being. Brother and I talk once a week usually, he's a great guy, glad he's doing well.
​
*Is ex dating someone else or both are single?*
>She's still single
​
*If things go well, would you feel capable of getting back into a relationship with your ex?*
>Yes. Absolutely
​
*The whole story I was feeling bad for the poor girl (apart from your situation, which gave me a stomach ache just imagining what you went through). And the more I progressed in your updates, the more I wanted to hear that you were building a relationship together again. This answer gives me hope, good luck to both of you.*
>Thank you! I do understand the anger coming from some folks about it all for her, and I did have that anger for a long time. When we reconciled originally, I really broke down in front of her one night about it all and it felt like a big deal. Regardless of what happens she's a very special person to me, my first everything and we both care deeply for each other. I'm far past the anger and sadness I felt about her at this point.
​
*OP can you elaborate on why you're not seeing your ex anymore? Also are you seeing someone else? If not your should, it would be good for you to see what someone else is like.*
>A few different reasons. She's going through some things currently that's her business, distance, and the decision that it'd be best to see other people for the time being.
>
>I'm not currently with anyone else, though I'm open to it. Just a new experience for me at the time being. I agree it'd be good for me.
​
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,940 | 2023-08-30T19:27:41 | My stepdad turned my family against me (New Update) | NEW UPDATE | Stephenallen1977 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/165o5rh/my_stepdad_turned_my_family_against_me_new_update/ | false | false | [
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1660e5d | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/jayjaykmm
**Some people just need to be taught better manners. I'm happy to help.**
**Originally posted to** r/pettyrevenge
**Thank you to u/DreamingOfSaltedFish for finding these posts**
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/117rth0/some_people_just_need_to_be_taught_better_manners/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Feb 21, 2023**
This happened last week and i only now have time to type it out. One of my friend, "Lia" celebrated her 30th birthday. Due to personal reason, she went all out for it. Venue was amazing, food was great, decor was tasteful, good music and guest were asked to wear something fancy.
The day of, everything was going well until.... someone dropped to one knee. You already know where this is going. Someone actually proposed! At someone else's birthday! I was giving the couple the side eye but i thought maybe this was planned. Maybe Lia knows because who would be bold enough to do this without the host's permission.
So i went to find Lia. She was sitting at a table surrounded by a few friends looking a mixture of angry and sad. I asked if she knew this was going to happen? She gave a small head shake and said "well, there's nothing for me to do now right". I decided then, she doesn't have to do anything. I'll do it for her.
I walked up to the happy couple, who at this point was surrounded by a few people who was congratulating them (the audacity!). To give credit to some people, a lot of the guests was looking awkward, bewildered & had a face of not interested to be involve in the drama. So not everyone lost their common sense it seems. Back to the story, i walked up to her, asked to see the ring. She was all smiley holding out her hand and i made a show of looking at it closely then loudly said "Well, at least the ring is decent".
Immediately, smile gone. She looked shock and asked what's that supposed to mean. Again, loudly i told her "Girl, you got proposed at someone's celebration which he didn't plan or pay for. You're not even worth that much. I'm just glad he didn't cheapen out on the ring". Then i turned around, walked to a nearby friend and still in a voice that i want everyone to hear said how tacky and embarassing they are.
Like a switch, everyone then started whispering at them. Some that i heard includes, "who does that at someone's birthday?", "man can't even plan an event and had to mooch of someone else", "if i was her, i wouldn't have said yes".They left quiet fast after that and while the party did end kind of awkward, Lia did looked better at the end so i don't feel guilty.
As i'm not familiar with the couple i only heard second and third hand story about was has been happening so not sure about the validity. Apparently she has been complaining how her proposal's ruin and she can't even have a second one because she's traumatized by the first one. Thankfully no one is giving her time, instead she's getting even more ridiculed. The next rumour i heard, they (the couple) have been fighting. The proposal was supposedly her idea and he just went along with it. Now, he's getting called pathetic and cheap. I have no sympathy for someone that stupid.
So moral here people, have some class and learn better manners.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/jayjaykmm/comments/158b6g0/update_some_people_just_need_to_be_taught_better/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 24, 2023**
Since I love to read an update to a post, I decided to post this update just to give somewhat of a closure for the story.
This is an update to a post I made 5months ago (/r/pettyrevenge/comments/117rth0/some_people_just_need_to_be_taught_better_manners/) . Not sure if people would even read this since i'm posting on my profile, but in the chance someone comes across the original and decides to check (something i usually do), here it is. Besides, i don't think r/pettyrevenge allows an update.
Tldr of original post: A couple decided to propose at my friends birthday party. I had some choice of words for them. Couple decided to leave the party and last i heard they were fighting a lot.
Today, I met a friend who turns out to be quite close to the boyfriend. From his story, seems like the relationship is over. The guy ended it, but not just because of the proposal disaster.
Even after all the fighting and backlash from other people, they were apparently going forward with the wedding. That is when the problem started. The first few thing they decided on was the venue & date. In our culture, the solemnisation is usually on the bride's side. So gf decided to host it at her grandparents.
The only problem? She choose the exact same date as her cousin (see a pattern here?). Now to be fair, it's not exactly unusual to have multiple bride&groom at a time. Though usually it would be siblings. In this case however, the cousin have denied the request. Gf didn't back down though. She even suggested they take the morning-evening hour of the day and cousin 'take over' evening-night since technically he's already married and this was just a celebration on the groom's side. Why she insist on this specific date? No one knows. Not even the future groom. It was just a random date with no significance to either of them.
As you can imagine, this didn't go well and more fighting occured. It wasn't just between them. This time, families were involved and at the end of it he ended the relationship.
According to friend, the breakup was another drama altogether. Lots of name calling, shading on social media, trying to bring other people to take side etc.
Latest update, the bf is currently dipping back into the dating scene but nothing serious yet. The gf is soon to be engaged. Yup! You read that right. Friend told me the most recent interaction between those 2 was her sending him a message of how she found her perfect man and would be engaged in august. The wedding is supposedly being held early 2024. Why she still messages her ex and why he never block her? I have no idea but i guess to each their own.
In my last post, i got comments telling me i caused problems in their relationship but tbh with you, after hearing all this i think this was a relationship doomed from the start. I don't think my act of petty revenge contributed to anything. Honestly, i still don't feel remorse for what i did back then 😃.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 6,027 | 2023-08-31T03:59:43 | Some people just need to be taught better manners. I'm happy to help. | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1660e5d/some_people_just_need_to_be_taught_better_manners/ | false | false | [
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1660ey9 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/RareCartoonist
**Immigrant parents do not want me to become a mental health counselor**
**Originally posted to** r/therapists
**MOOD SPOILER:** >!Severe quackery!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/comments/150dxep/immigrant_parents_do_not_want_me_to_become_a/) **July 15, 2023**
Hello!
I recently was accepted into a Clinical Mental Health Counseling program in Michigan. I'm 25 years old and I graduated with a bachelor's degree in Civil Engineering in 2019. Since then I worked as a Civil engineer and also held a managerial role at a tech startup.
Since I was a child I have loved helping others and always wanted to become a mental health counselor, but parental/ family pressure pushed me towards a STEM career. My end goal is to start my own private practice as a psychotherapist.
I'm a male from a South Asian background so this is a nontraditional path. My family has been against this decision saying that it is a poor financial decision and starting a private practice is impractical. The program is going to take me 2 years if I go full-time through the accelerated path. I want to be able to support a family one day with my career, but the concerns my parents keep pushing have triggered some doubt in me.
What if the market in my area is oversaturated? I have interviewed some mental health counselors that are making about ~$30k/year even with a master's degree. I'm not afraid to work hard to build my career. After I graduated college I didn't mind working 80 hours a week working 2 full time jobs to build my future. Is the future as bleak as my family is making it seem or is this their immigrant survival instincts coming out? Can anyone talk about their journey of starting a private practice?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Here is my program if anyone wants to take a look:
https://oakland.edu/careers/clinical-mental-health-counseling-ma/
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/comments/15zbku8/update_immigrant_parents_do_not_want_me_to_become/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 23, 2023**
Hey guys!
I posted here a few weeks ago and wanted to give an update.
Background:
My immigrant parents aren't too happy with me going to graduate school to become a psychotherapist. I did my B.S in Civil Engineering, but it was never what I wanted to do. They told me I was going to be limited to 30k a year forever with significant student loans.
Update:
I wanted to better understand if my parents were being irrational or if this was the brutal reality of mental health in the United States. My parents told me that they knew of a therapist who finished his grad school and is now on the brink of being homeless. His private practice was not panning out and he couldn't find any clients. I wanted to understand how common this was so I reached out to a lot of therapists to understand their journey. I sent DMs to people in this subreddit and in person to practitioners near me. Thank you all for being so open and transparent with me. I interviewed about 50 therapists working across different states and sectors. I asked about life after grad school, what regrets they had, compensation history, and if they knew of any horror stories.
The general lessons I learned were:
1: There were very few therapists that were at the ~$30k point. The only ones I could find were those who opted to work in CHM/nonprofits. It's challenging to get compensated appropriately there since the budget is so tight.
2: The most difficult time in most therapist's careers is in the first 2 years after grad school while you have a limited license. This time needs to be treated like a residency. The wages differ by state/focus but the average during this time $55k.
3: Once you have a full license your wages drastically go up. (Once again the figures vary) The general average at a group practice at this stage was $90k-120k. I also spoke to many people who started a private practice at this stage. This removes a lot of bureaucracy and paperwork but puts finding bureaucracy and management on your shoulders. Many of those people were making about $180k, usually with 25 clients a week and $150 a session. I met a few who worked less because they wanted to focus on a different project or spend more time with their families. I also met a few experienced therapists who were charging $250/session due to their niche and had 40 clients a week.
Talking to everyone removed a lot of my anxiety. My parents weren't convinced so they told me to meet up with the therapist that was a family friend. I decided to go meet him. I was quite confused at how his person's experience could be so different from all of the people I had interviewed.
I went to his office and first saw a sign that said 'Metaphysical Minister'. A bit confused I knocked and entered his office. I saw some abstract paintings and an array of crystals on his desk. I told him I liked his rocks and he started to tell me about the energy/healing powers of gems..... my confusion grew. I sat with him and asked about his journey. He told me he was trained in the Caribbean to help people. I asked him if was a therapist and he told me 'no but that he's an ordained minister so could technically do counseling'. The blood left my face. I asked him again to explain what kind of degree he had. He told me again he was a "trained Metaphysical minister". NOTE: Metaphysics is defined as an idea, doctrine, or posited reality outside of human sense perception
I asked him "Are you allowed to be called a therapist? Is there any regulatory board over you?" and he told me "no, there isn't". And it dawned on me that he was a wizard. **THIS WHOLE TIME MY PARENTS THOUGHT I WAS TRAINING TO BECOME A PSYCHIC.** I thanked him for his time and left. I then sat in my car for 30 mins in shock. This was the man who was behind all of this. The one who caused all of this confusion. The one who sent me on a goose chase to understand how therapists become homeless. I told my parents what happened and went to go take a nap without listening to their response. I had a killer headache for the rest of the day. They don't seem to be on my case anymore so maybe they changed their minds or are too embarrassed to talk about it anymore. I spent so much time researching a problem that doesn't exist.
Anyway I'm starting grad school on Sept 6th! Thank you guys for all of the support and for everyone who was so transparent about their salaries! I'll keep everyone updated :)
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,575 | 2023-08-31T04:00:43 | Immigrant parents do not want me to become a mental health counselor | ONGOING | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1660ey9/immigrant_parents_do_not_want_me_to_become_a/ | false | false | [
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1661tz7 | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Abject\_Panda\_27](https://www.reddit.com/user/Abject_Panda_27/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole, r/AITAH and her own page.
**Trigger Warning:** >!teen pregnancy; parentification; emotional neglect!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!positive ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13clcfy/aita_for_planning_to_move_out_of_state_for/?sort=old)**: May 9, 2023**
I (18f) have a twin, Mary. We don’t have any more siblings. Mary got pregnant when she was 14. She couldn’t find the father to tell him she was pregnant and he is still nowhere to be seen.
We have lived with our parents in a 2 bedroom apartment for nearly a decade now. So when Mary gave birth, her baby had to stay in our room. My parents worked more so they could provide for the baby so it was mostly Mary and I at home taking care of her baby. If I wasn’t at school, my parents would demand that I go home and help my sister with her baby. I had no life, no privacy and no love or attention since my sister had her baby. I know obviously the baby and mother take priority but I felt so alone. At 14-15, it was very hard for me to come to terms with my parents not asking me how I’m doing anymore, not congratulating me on my achievements, coming to my games, taking care of me when I’m sick etc. I became resentful of Mary and my parents but I did a pretty good job at never showing them that. I knew the feeling would pass and it did by the time I was 16.
I got at a job at 16 so I had some time to myself outside of school and my niece. My parents then coerced me to contribute almost 80% of wages to help Mary take care of her baby. I’ve always been a pushover so I couldn’t say no, especially because Mary and the baby did actually need that money. Most of the money my parents made was going to bills, rent and car payments.
Anyway, i told my parents I got into a very good college out of state on a near full scholarship and that I’m planning to go. They asked how I can think it’s ok to just leave them to take care of Mary’s baby. I asked why I should stay in a shared bedroom with my sister and young niece for my college years? They said not everything is about what I want and sometimes people make sacrifices for family as they are doing. Mary jumped into the conversation by saying she wouldn’t go off to another state and leave me a single mother alone if the roles were reversed. I said she isn’t alone, our parents are here. She said it’s not the same because they’re always gone for work.
AITA?
***Relevant Comments:***
*NTA. What are you supposed to do, put your life on hold forever?*
"I actually asked my mom when it would be acceptable for me to leave and live my own life and she said when Mary isn’t a single mother anymore. So I have to wait till she gets a serious boyfriend/husband and move in with him till my duties are done? I’m not willing to do that."
*More on the sister and why she had the baby:*
"Both her and my parents are against abortion. She wasn’t going to get an abortion under any circumstances and my parents supported her through that because they have the same pro-life views (I don’t).
The father of her child was a 15 year old boy she didn’t know well. They met for the first time at an amusement park. They were flirting and having fun together for a bit and ended up having sex in his friends car a few hours later. She said she didn’t enjoy it so she didn’t bother get his number or his full name, and just went home. Hence why we can’t find him. All we have is his first name, and we live in a big city. I asked her if he pressured her and she said she was the one that initiated it actually. So no consent issues there."
*Someone says they have serious doubts about the sister's story:*
"To be honest a lot of her story wasn’t making sense to me. Like how does no one else know who this guy is? Their two friend groups were chilling together the whole time but apparently none of her friends have any of the phone numbers of the guys they were hanging out with all day or full names at the very least?
I do believe that she slept with him within a few hours though. My sister is really impulsive, and she always has been. She started dating her previous boyfriend in a similar manner to this. He was our friends step brother and she slept with him the first day she met him, and they went on to date for about a year. She said the guy she slept with at the amusement park wore a condom so she didn’t think that it was risky."
*Does she have trouble with impulse control?*
"She definitely does. If something crosses her mind, she has to do it immediately. Even if I try talk her out of it, she’ll still do it. Once when we were 16, a friend of our parents came for dinner. He held my niece and kept saying how cute she was. My sister told me she thought he was really handsome and she would shoot her shot. She said him holding her baby made her think he would be a good dad. I was like wtf??? I told her to stop messing around, he had a wedding ring on and looked even older than our dad. She got his number from my dads phone and started texting him. I went through their texts and she was being extremely inappropriate. He blocked her number soon after he realised what she was trying to do."
*Does Mary have a job?*
"No she doesn’t have a job. She had two jobs since the baby and she got fired from one for stealing and the other for being constantly late. She hasn’t tried to get another job since and the last job was a year ago."
*More about parents/people say they're proud of OOP:*
"I wanted to tell them when I was applying but they have issues of interrupting me when I’m talking and/or just not paying attention to what I’m saying. When I first brought up looking into colleges, my dad must’ve interrupted me like 5 times. I just stopped trying to say what I wanted to say. It gets tiring trying to talk to them about myself when it’s clear they couldn’t care less. They wouldn’t be paying attention to what I’m saying or they’d interrupt me and move onto a different topic. I didn’t even bother with telling them about the applications because I didn’t want them to brush me to the side again. I don’t speak to them much unless it’s about my niece or Mary.
I told Mary about applying to colleges out of state but she would be on her phone and just reply with one word answers. I think she thought I just wouldn’t get in. When we were younger I wasn’t that bright. My grades started picking up when I was 14 ish and that’s the time they all stopped paying attention to me so she didn’t know I was doing well in school.
Thank you so much 🥺. Your last paragraph is what I really wanted to hear from my parents. They haven’t been proud of me since before my niece was born."
**Small Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Abject_Panda_27/comments/13d1ooo/thank_you/)**: May 9, 2023 (Same Day)**
Just wanted to say thank you to anyone who sees this and gave amazing advice and words of encouragement. I’ve cried buckets of tears of relief today. Hearing so many of you say I’m doing the right thing and congratulating me got me really emotional. Not to sound pitiful but I haven’t heard that in a while. Didn’t realise I needed that validation lol. Thank you all so much. I think I’ll post again when I head off to college in a few months 🥰
**Update in Comments of above post: May 24, 2023 (2 weeks later)**
"I’m doing alright. I’m staying with an aunt in another state till I can leave for college. I made an excuse of wanting to work with her for the summer. She gave me a job at her flower shop and I’m loving it actually. I left because I was so uncomfortable at home. They were giving me the silent treatment and being really cold. They can feel however they want but I have no intention of staying in such an environment this summer. My aunt is amazing and I’m having a great time with her here.
Honestly no clue if they know who the father is or not. They had many discussions when she was pregnant and they asked me to leave the room and give them privacy to talk. I don’t believe they know who he is but honestly can’t be sure."
**Longer Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/160g05b/update_aitah_for_planning_to_move_out_of_state/)**: August 24, 2023 (3 months since last comment update)**
Since the post, I went to live with my aunt for the summer and I was working at her flower shop. She paid me quite nicely, didn’t charge rent or even accept me paying for groceries so I’ve saved up basically every penny she paid me. I also worked a bit at a gas station a few nights a week. That’s helped a lot as I needed money to get to this state, and have enough to survive till I find a job. My aunt helped me so much and I don’t know what I would’ve done without her help.
I’ve barely been speaking to my parents or Mary. It’s been quite weird. They’ll update me about things but we aren’t really speaking and everything is quite tense lol. Haven’t told them that I’ve left for college and they haven’t asked anything about it.
It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling being here. It seems surreal that I’m even at a college like this and I don’t have to worry about loans and stuff. I’m so grateful I get this chance. But it also feels like I have no family now. My family weren’t perfect by any means but I felt like I had a place there. Somewhere I didn’t have to question I belonged. I feel kind of out of place here. It would’ve been so good to have my family cheer me on and give me advice or something. I’m not sure what I should be doing and I wish my parents would be guiding me through this. But I also wouldn’t trade this for anything. I think of being back in the bedroom I shared with Mary and my niece and it makes me feel like I’ve definitely made the right choice coming here.
I have an awesome roommate. We’re complete opposites but she seems like a very good person and we’ve been exploring the city together. So that helps a lot too.
I guess that’s it. Thank you again for everyone’s sweet words. I truly appreciate all the advice and kindness you guys have sent my way. | 9,175 | 2023-08-31T05:14:34 | AITA for planning to move out of state for college, leaving my single mother sister alone? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1661tz7/aita_for_planning_to_move_out_of_state_for/ | false | false | [
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166gavf | **I am not the original poster. Original post by** u/ya_mu **in** r/tifu.
*Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!*
trigger warnings: >!Mental Health Struggles, Financial Struggles, Employment Stress!<
mood spoilers: >!Paranoia, situation looks good but it isn't 100%!<
---
###[**TIFU by misunderstanding a job proposal and quitting my current job as a permanent employee**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/da025b/tifu_by_misunderstanding_a_job_proposal_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
*Fri, Sep 27, 2019*
So, this actually happened two days ago, and it's still developing. I am working at a company where I feel completely miserable, that pays barely enough to pay rent and survive, and been here for three long years. Anxiety attacks, depression, and the complete lack of hope into having a life where I don't have to struggle and skip meals to be able to pay my bills started to accumulate and boosted me to start sending CVs everywhere.
The thing was that no one was calling even after months and months of applications. The paranoia starts and I slowly start to convince myself that my portfolio sucks, that I'm horrible at what I do, that I'll be stuck in this job forever, etc. etc. A few months go by, and a friend of a friend knew what I did, and asked if I was interested in an interview at her company because they had a job position opening up. I say yes of course, send my CV and portfolio, they answer back saying they loved my work and want to meet me personally for an interview.
The interview itself went perfectly. I never felt so comfortable talking to someone in English (not my native language, and neither the native language of the guy that interviews me), and in the end, the guy basically says, and I quote word by word, "For me, it's a yes, now it's up to you if you want to accept this position". Of course I said yes, the job seems amazing, the pay is more than double of what I am currently making, it was way closer to home, everything is perfect. Before saying goodbye I asked him to send me by email the formal proposal just to be sure, he says, sure, I'll send it to you today or tomorrow, and I go back to work.
The next day, and here's the fuck up, I give the notice to my boss before receiving the proposal in fear of not be able to start when needed, telling that I got an awesome job proposal, but that I need to start in less than a week and half. Everything is being arranged where I work as I write this, I've handed my resignation letter, talked to the company owner and everything. What I did not consider, is that I had to give at least 60 days of notice since I am a permanent employee, and while I'm writing this, the HR department is to call me and tell how they will settle this up, in other words, how much money am I going to have to pay or "not make".
The rest of the day goes by and nothing on the proposal. The next day I email them, sending all my information, and asking for the proposal, and they say that the dude that interviewed me is going to contact me. So today he messages me: "Hey man, ****** told me that you are available at the combined date, but remember, we are still to make a decision, did you tell your office that you are leaving?" And I say that yes, of course, I legally had to, especially to start the day that you mentioned. And he just responds with an "Oh."
I don't know if I misunderstood something he said, or if he forgot to say something to me, but he always seemed assertive that I was going to be hired, since they weren't really interviewing anyone. Also, take in consideration that the interview was really informal. I asked if they when where they going to make the decision, and he said today, so I guess I'll update in a few hours if I'm unemployed and potentially homeless, or if I got my dream job.
**TL;DR:** Got ahead of my self, quit before getting an official job proposal; might be unemployed and homeless if everything goes bad.
###[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/da025b/comment/f1nv3j7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
*10 hours later*
So, almost at the end of the day, after a really stressful Friday, I got a response saying that he looks forward to see me there on the 7th at 9pm. So, technically I have the job, right? But the thing is, he hasn't sent me a formal proposal yet.
Some context: It's a really small agency, and the guy that interviewed me is the owner. The thing is that he's being, at the same time, director, manager, accounting, HR, etc. So that's probably way the informal/mess that this all was.
The 60 days thing is real in Portugal and some other European countries, I still didn't get anything from the HR, and got my entire September paycheck, but I really don't know if they are going to be all forgiving since the 60 days thing was being constancy mentioned. At this point I am afraid to ask, and I'll just hope no bill arrives at my doorstep.
There is still some window for shit to happen, since there is nothing formal so far, I guess I have to be prepared for the worse, so let's check:
- I thankfully did not burn bridges with my current employer. They even said if everything went bad, that they could always take me back because they liked me and my work (which is sounding like a fucking curse, but ok).
- Money is a problem, but not so much, so far. I'm married, and my wife has a job, but it's not enough to pay rent + all bills. The money we have saved up could held us up to 2 and a half months if we both got unemployed, but that money is being separated for my wife's dental's surgery. It would be ideal not to touch it.
- We live abroad, but my parents are in the same country, but in worst case scenario, coming back to their place (again) would be a horrible mistake, since that last time I went to live back with them I had a enormous altercation with my brother, leading me to move out the fastest that I could, and never properly talking to him again.
Thank you all for the good wishes, but I'll not celebrate just yet, I'll wait till I get my first paycheck for that just to be sure (since I still need to see the goddamn proposal to check if he said the right fucking salary).
Thanks for the r/LifeProTips of NEVER hand your resignation letter before you got the new contract signed by your new employer.
And sorry for the huge paragraph, I was really nervous, plus I had to write it all down before my boss got back from lunch.
**Reminder - I am NOT the Original Poster!** | 1,425 | 2023-08-31T16:48:32 | TIFU by misunderstanding a job proposal and quitting my current job as a permanent employee | INCONCLUSIVE | ParadoxicalState | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/166gavf/tifu_by_misunderstanding_a_job_proposal_and/ | false | false | [
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166gblj | **I am not the original poster. Original post by** u/paternitythrowaway13 **in** r/legaladvice.
*Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!*
trigger warnings: >!Mention of sexual assault!<
mood spoilers: >!tension, Resolution regarding paternity test!<
---
###[**Can my parents force a paternity test?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/92evgg/can_my_parents_force_a_pregnancy_test/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
*Fri, July 27, 2018*
My wife was sexually assaulted. She got pregnant, and the baby could be mine or the rapist's. We decided to keep the baby and raise it as mine. We never want to have a paternity test done on the baby because this could be devastating to her relationship with my wife.
I'm a massive moron, and after my daughter was born, I let slip to my parents that she might not be mine biologically. I tried to backtrack, but my parents kept pushing and pushing until my wife sat them down and explained the situation. They do not believe her. They think she cheated and that she is using me.
Now my parents have approached me about taking a paternity test. They want me to contest paternity and leave my wife. I do not want to. I made a commitment to my wife and daughter and I stand by it. I trust my wife, but my parents don't. They told me that if I refuse, they will go to court and compel me to do a paternity test to absolve me of responsibility for the baby. They want me to leave my wife regardless.
I am planning to cut contact with my parents over this, but is there any way that they can legitimately force me to do a paternity test? Is there something I can do to prevent this or fight them?
We are located in RI.
***Notable Comment***
>**Braalter**
>
>They cannot compel a paternity test.
>
>It’s probably wise to deny them any access to your daughter. They might try to swab her and have a test done. They wouldn’t necessarily need a sample from you, they could test to see if she was genetically related to themselves. They probably wouldn’t be able to take any legal action with the results, but it still seems like something you would prefer to prevent.
>
>Edited to add: You should be aware that if your daughter is not biologically related to you she will likely discover it some day. With lots of genetic testing opportunities now available it’s not as possible as it once was to keep genetic consanguinity skeletons in the closet. If she’s a baby now it will be many years before this is likely to be an issue, and it won’t change your legal paternity. But as she approaches adulthood you and your wife should decide if you’d rather discuss it with your daughter or risk her finding out another way.
>
>>**OOP**
>>
>>This is scary, we will keep this in mind.
###[**UPDATE: Can my parents force a paternity test**](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/9a96oq/can_my_parents_force_a_paternity_test_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
*Sat, Aug 25, 2018*
I'd like to take a minute to say thank you to everyone who responded to my last post. Your advice helped prepare me for what came next.
Pretty soon after I posted, I received a letter in the mail from a lawyer that basically said that my parents were demanding a paternity test on the basis of grandparents rights. I knew from my post that it was unlikely that a lawyer would take this case, so I googled the law firm and lawyer's name. I couldn't find the lawyer's name anywhere, but the law firm was real so I reached out to them. The letter was fake and the law firm was not happy. They asked for the letter and are pursuing some sort of legal action against my parents. I don't know exactly what's happening as I have not been in contact with my parents in a while.
In other news, my daughter was recently diagnosed with a (very minor) skin condition that is fairly uncommon and that I also have, which means she's most likely mine after all. We still won't be doing a paternity test any time soon, but it was helpful for our peace of mind.
Thanks again for the advice everyone!
*This is a repost, You can find the Original BoRU [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/iw33uu/ever_since_an_older_couple_found_out_that_their/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)*
**Reminder - I am NOT the Original Poster!** | 8,564 | 2023-08-31T16:49:22 | Can my parents force a paternity test? | REPOST | ParadoxicalState | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/166gblj/can_my_parents_force_a_paternity_test/ | false | false | [
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166j327 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Imicrowavebacon **in** r/labrats
trigger warnings: >!sperm!<
mood spoilers: >!funny in a nerdy way!<
[**Should I let my girlfriend look at my sperm under the microscope?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/labrats/comments/15ttt9s/should_i_let_my_girlfriend_look_at_my_sperm_under/) \- August 17, 2023
She does a lot sperm stuff (not fertility related) and has always wanted to look at mine. She's coming to the end of her PhD now and wants to see it before she loses her opportunity.
I know I technically should say no but I also know it'll probably be fine. My only concern is that, if my sperm look weird (low count, immotile etc), my gf is in no way a fertility scientist and can't tell me any more than "they look weird and I don't know if something's wrong or not." Then I'm stuck worried about being infertile for years with no way to resolve that anxiety without having to arrange a fertility test, which in the UK isn't really a 'no questions asked' procedure as far as I'm aware
On the other hand it will probably be fine and I don't wanna seem like a real stick in the mud. She's being saying she wants to do this for years and while I've also said I was a bit iffy on it she'll still be let down.
I don't even know what I'm asking tbh, just wanted to hear some perspectives from other scientists, maybe ones who've had a cheeky look at their own blood/urine/sperm etc?
EDIT: This got a lot more attention than I was prepared for. Most people seem to think I'm overthinking this and I do tend to do that so I've decided to go ahead and let her do it.
We're both in the lab this weekend so we'll do it then. To those who think this is a joke, I will upload proof lol.
For some reason uploading a pic of my sperm only feels a few steps away from an unsolicited dick pic but we're all scientists here I guess.
[**Update: I let my girlfriend look at my sperm under the microscope**](https://www.reddit.com/r/labrats/comments/1606qna/update_i_let_my_girlfriend_look_at_my_sperm_under/) \- August 24, 2023
You guys convinced me, [here is the proof](https://imgur.com/a7b2xCL). *\[Editor's note: Link goes to a video showing sperm viewed under a microscope. It's annotated to show some of the more interesting swimmers.\]*
For those who wanted to know the collection method, the sperm was extracted using previously described methods and collected in a 50 mL Falcon tube. *\[Editor's note: for those who don't know what a Falcon tube is,* [*here's a link*](https://www.fishersci.com/shop/products/falcon-50ml-conical-centrifuge-tubes-2/p-193321)*\]* This was then transported to the lab in my gf's jeans. I'd say it was about 2 hours from penis to slide which I think is okay, probably not breaking any records but they're not the kind of records I want to break.
All in all pretty interesting experience. There really was a lot of variety and I definitely worked myself up too much. I had a hard time relating to the little guys as my own, hopefully I won't feel the same way about any future children. The lab wasn't totally empty too so it did feel a little bizarre leaving a tube of my spunk on the bench behind a co-worker. Most jobs that would be a bit of a faux pas.
Girlfriend loved the experience, she feels satisfied and happy with my sperm. For what it's worth I think I have some pretty slick swimmers too. May be playing with fire here but feel free to send me any pics of your sperms too, we could race them lol.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,125 | 2023-08-31T18:35:30 | Should I let my girlfriend look at my sperm under the microscope? | CONCLUDED | MiniLaura | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/166j327/should_i_let_my_girlfriend_look_at_my_sperm_under/ | false | false | [
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166ju5j | *I am NOT OP. Original post from AskAManager.*
mood spoilers: >!Frustrating experience, but hopeful in the end !<
***
[**My boss told me I’m “not a good human” when I asked to be paid for my time**](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/03/my-boss-told-me-im-not-a-good-human-when-i-asked-to-be-paid-for-my-time.html) \- March 1, 2021
I work for a professional firm that has a long history of devaluing non-partner contributions. Let’s just say we have problems:
• The pay structure for employees is all risk and no reward. Salaries are artificially low, below market, supposedly because of our bonus structure.
• If clients don’t pay, that comes out of our pay (bonus), and we get a lecture about how it’s a business and we are only worth what we bring in.
• If clients pay, we are given a lecture about how we are not partners so we don’t deserve to share in the reward. It’s a lose-lose.
• Predictably, there has been 120% turnover in my three years at the firm. Twice in the last five years, the entire staff has quit en masse.
• I have not received even a $1 cost of living increase since I’ve been here. As a matter of principle, the firm does not give base pay raises, ever, supposedly because you can “earn” more each year by working harder and bringing in more profit for the firm.
• When the pandemic happened, the firm cut 20% of professional employees, and also cut remaining employee pay. A few months later, the fear wore off and we realized that our hours/collectibles were actually up and started questioning why we were earning less for working more and bringing in more. We were told that things are “complicated” and there are things we just “don’t understand.” (Notably, all partners are men and all employees are women.)
• We also noticed that our firm received massive PPP “loans,” and that same week every partner announced a long vacation. Again, we were told we just “don’t understand.”
Fast forward to January, when the firm excitedly announced that they would be “helping” me and another completely overworked employee by hiring a new employee for us to train. The time spent training the new employee would come out of our bonuses, but we were told that this would benefit us in the long run because we would not be overworked next year. (We do not share in profits from this new employee.) What a treat!
I decided to raise this with the managing partner, and asked that they take our non-billable time into account this year for bonuses. It did not go well. Understatement.
His immediate response was that I’m “not a good human” and “selfish” because so many people have helped me learn my job, and so how dare I not be willing to help everyone else. (I never said I wouldn’t help — I just asked that I be compensated for my time.). He told me I’m being “short sighted” for complaining about reduced pay this year and not thinking about the supposed long-term benefits for me (not being overworked next year). He told me at least three times that he’s “disappointed” in me, which, okay whatever.
I mean, I’m not the crazy one here, right?
*Allison's advice can be found in the link above*
***
[**Update: My boss told me I’m “not a good human” when I asked to be paid for my time**](https://www.askamanager.org/2021/12/update-my-boss-told-me-im-not-a-good-human-when-i-asked-to-be-paid-for-my-time.html) \- December 30, 2021
I’m somewhat embarrassed to say…I’m still at the same firm for the time being. But, as is usually the case, it’s a longer story.
New employee turned out to be…a lost cause. (In fairness to the new employee, being hired in pandemic, with everyone working from home, in a new field, is a tough row to hoe – although I don’t think it would have mattered in this case because the new employee was not well suited to the position.)
I pretty quickly realized that the new employee was not going to make it, so after I was told that I would not be compensated for training them (and after my spouse gave me the green light to quit/lose my job), I decided to be “selfish” and just check out. New employee was let go a few weeks later.
Shortly after this, I found out that a rival firm I’ve always had on my “short list” was hiring, so I reached out and had an interview the next day. But, it was not what I expected! During the interview (which was more of a feeling out of “would this be a good fit” for both sides), I realized that I would have far less autonomy than I have at my current firm. (It turns out, clueless and out of touch managers sometimes have an upside? Not a lot of oversight.) I walked away thinking “not now, but maybe in the future” and I think they did too. (I’m too junior for them to give autonomy too right now, but I’m too senior for me not to want/need autonomy right now, if that makes sense.)
Around this time, my spouse and I started IVF. Which, as those who have done IVF know, is absurdly time consuming. You basically have to work part-time for 2-3 weeks at a time, and you have no control over the schedule. So, it came in handy that I had a ton of autonomy. It also meant that my hours would be horrible this year no matter what. So, I just focused on our family, and decided not to worry about my compensation this year.
There was also a change at my firm. A fresh start of sorts (but without any real change), and I’ve always been a sucker for a fresh start. That changed the mood. Will it last? No. It’s like throwing a fresh coat of paint over rotting wood. But, at this exact moment, I can honestly say that I’m not miserable. This company is not my “forever home,” for sure. I have no future here, and I don’t think they would ever consider a woman partner, not do I think I would ever want to be in business with these dudes. But, right now, I’d be content to stay while we try to expand our family (fingers crossed), and then consider my next moves.
I really appreciated the comments and the support from you and the AAM community. Honestly, I was really shaken by boss’s reaction and comments. It was very cutting and (although it feels unprofessional to admit) it hurt my feelings. I walked away from the conversation feeling like I had done something wrong by trying to discuss my compensation with my boss. Intellectually, I knew I hadn’t. But the part of me that wants to achieve and doesn’t want to “disappoint” was a little wounded. I needed the reassurance that I wasn’t “out of line” for raising compensation and just to hear that, you know, my boss is an a-hole.
***
[**Update 2: my boss told me I’m “not a good human” when I asked to be paid for my time**](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/06/update-my-boss-told-me-im-not-a-good-human-when-i-asked-to-be-paid-for-my-time-2.html) \- June 12, 2023
As I mentioned, I stuck around working for these miserable people because my husband and I were trying to have a baby. Those efforts were successful, and we had a healthy child. Yay!
My job offered paid parental leave, which I took. It wasn’t particularly generous, but better than $0 (and not optional – I tried to opt out bc I very much knew there was no “free lunch” with these people, and they were the last people to whom I wanted to be indebted, but I was told I couldn’t opt out and take unpaid leave.)
A few days after I returned from parental leave, my boss handed me a bill. For the amount he expected me to pay him back for my paid parental leave. You read that correctly. He demanded that I (a W-2 employee) reimburse him (the owner) for my “paid” parental leave. I was like: “Uh, then it’s not really paid leave?” He said, and I swear this is an exact quote: “Yes, it was paid. Believe me, I know because I had to pay it. That’s why you owe it back.”
I know it seems like I must be leaving something out here. I’m not. Employer has a clear and unambiguous policy in the employee handbook, for paid leave for which I clearly qualified. I did, in fact, birth a child. I had, in fact, worked at the firm well more than long enough to qualify for the leave. I took less leave than was allowed – both by my firm and by law. No weird facts here. I had a baby and went on a short maternity leave, nothing fancy or complicated, song as old as time, and no one claimed otherwise. The only dispute was that my boss claimed it is “generally understood” that “paid” leave is essentially an advance, which the firm pays but then the employee owes back. The firm’s policy says nothing about reimbursement and just says “paid” leave, but boss contends that it is inherent in the concept of “paid” leave that the employee will later reimburse the firm. (You don’t even need to tell me he’s wrong and I’m right because, obviously, he’s banana crackers.)
I was dumbfounded but not really surprised. I tabled the conversation for a few months because I hoped that he would decide this wasn’t a nickel he could squeeze with a straight face. But I was wrong. He kept bringing it up, demanding to know my plan for paying him back the money I “owed,” and saying things like “this isn’t something I can just let go.”
This finally came to a head one day, when he popped into my office for the umpteenth time, unannounced, wanting to know my plan for paying him back, while I was in the middle of prepping for an important meeting.
I just had enough. So, I told him my honest thoughts on the matter. This started gently, just explaining that he was wrong – factually, logically, legally, ethically wrong AF – about the meaning of “paid” leave. He doubled down. The conversation escalated in tone and intensity. There were other issues too, so what the heck, while we were at it, I went into those. He played dumb, and told me that I was off-base and that no one had ever disagreed with him on these issues and no one had ever questioned or tried to discuss these issues with him before.
Except, I knew for a fact that someone had quit a month or so earlier, over a dispute about one of these issues, after REPEATEDLY trying to discuss with boss to no avail. I just couldn’t. So I called him on that. And he LOST IT. He stood up, said that never happened, demanded that we call former employee immediately to confirm this never happened, stormed out of my office to grab his cell phone and call this poor woman. Well, that backfired for him, because she answered and she said, “Uh, yeah, that happened.”
Boss then calmed down and reflected and said, “Wow, I’m wrong and also what sort of a lunatic calls a former employee out of the blue to settle a dispute?” Just kidding! Boss did none of that. Instead, he hung up the phone, and looked at me and said, “See, I told you?!”
That’s when I LOST IT. This wasn’t a nuanced issue. It was like I was saying “black,” boss was saying “white,” and former employee was saying “totally black.” Then boss hangs up and declares he heard “totally white”? I know it sounds crazy, but that’s what happened. I’m rarely speechless but I just stood there for a while, with my eyebrows on the ceiling and my jaw at my knees.
Which, brings us to the point of no return. After asking “are you serious?” a few times, I just started screaming at him. He started screaming at me. This spilled out into the common area of the firm. The good people of the world got up to discreetly and politely shut their office doors, embarrassed for us both. It was bad. It was a scene. I’m not proud of it, and I definitely lost my cool and that’s not how I typically handle myself. I eventually ended the “conversation” by screaming “this isn’t productive” a few times, then walked back to my office, grabbed my bag, and left.
On the way home, I was like — wow that happened and this isn’t healthy. So I made one phone call, and in less than 3 hours, I had a better job with a competitor for more pay. (I’m in a niche field, so everyone knows everyone, and they were already familiar with my work.)
I’m not going to lie, it was extremely satisfying to give notice the next morning. Mic drop moment for sure. That was six months ago, and I couldn’t be happier at my new firm.
Also a positive note: Apparently the only way to get that “paid” maternity leave at my old firm is to leave before they can take it out of your bonus, so I got the last laugh on that one.
***
*OOP responded to some of the comments in the last update:*
*Reasoning as to why nobody was willing to take legal action:*
>I don’t know if others have tried to push back. I suspect not, for a few reasons (that are specific enough that I can’t explain without giving too much away).For me, the main impediment to a legal claim is that this is a very small niche field, and I would be worried about affecting my own reputation by bringing a claim. In my mind, better to just walk away.
*Why she stayed on for as long as she did:*
> yes, I just didn’t have the energy to job search (and I didn’t realize how easy it would be.) I’ve also never left a job to go to a competitor before. This was only my third job ever, and my two prior job changes were due to a move and a field change.
*The bosses reaction when he was given the 2 weeks notice:*
> He was pouty. Acted all sad puppy, feeling sorry for himself. (This may not have been just an act. Ironically he cost himself a lot of money by running me off. I had a book of business that went with me.)
*The narrative being spun in her now former workplace:*
> I gave 2 weeks notice. I’m also friends with and remain in touch with many of my former co-workers, and believe me, they have all heard the story from me.
I’m sure former boss told “his truth” to the other partners, but I don’t think he would bad mouth me outside of the firm. It’s a small professional community, and I think he’s smart enough to realize that bad mouthing me outside the firm will likely just reflect poorly on him.
*Why they'd not let her opt out of paid leave, and then try to charge her for it:*
> I believe the reason you can’t decline is they want the public goodwill of having a maternity leave policy. It’s fairly standard in this area/field to offer paid maternity leave of some sort, and they want to meet the market. (They are definitely not offering to be “good humans.”) They also had a few women leave shortly after having children, which lead to “rumors” (both within company and in professional community) that you can’t be a woman with children and stay at this firm, and that perception caused a highly valued employee to leave the firm in anticipation that she was going to be starting a family soon. Shortly thereafter, the maternity leave policy was announced.
*Regarding the bosses behavior:*
> I’ve always suspected there is some sort of shenanigans going on with him, and “creative” accounting, and things his partners may not know. I suspect this is the reason the official handbook says one thing and he wants to have private conversations about something else.
*Why she couldn't go to HR:*
> No HR. Or, I guess, this boss is HR
***
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,091 | 2023-08-31T19:04:05 | [AAM] My boss told me I’m “not a good human” when I asked to be paid for my time | EXTERNAL | GTX660King | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/166ju5j/aam_my_boss_told_me_im_not_a_good_human_when_i/ | false | false | [
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166wnke | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Firm-Dragonfly876
**AITA for storming out of a party because of butterflies**
**Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Exploitation of a phobia, emotional terrorism and assault, humiliation and home invasion!<
**MOOD SPOILER:** >!Positive for OOP!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/15rtami/aita_for_storming_out_of_a_party_because_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug. 15, 2023**
I (25f) am extremely scared of butterflies to the point that I have panic attacks. I have lepidopterophobia aka fear of butterflies and moths. It is so severe that even real pictures and videos of butterflies scare me. I don't know why I have this irrational fear but I do have it. My boyfriend, Elliot (26m) knows about this. That is why, we avoid places like gardens, butterfly farm, flower garden. Even when he buys me flowers I always make sure to keep the doors locked so that butterflies do not come near me. He also know I got made fun of by my siblings because of my phobia. Like no one understands the fear I have of butterflies and moths.
Anyway, a week ago, I was invited to a party with my boyfriend. It was held in his friend's house. I don't really know his friends that well but we are really friendly. So one of the guys from his group called me and handed over a box to me. I was confused because it is not my birth or any anniversary. He gave me the box and told me this is a small gift on behalf of him and his friend for officially being a part of their group. I should have known something was up because everyone was smirking. I opened it and it was like a bunch of butterflies flying straight towards me. I swear, I was screaming and panicking because those bitches with wings were flying around me. I remember one of them got inside my mouth as I was screaming and panicking.
I was in a fetal position because of how scared and panicked I was, some of them helped grab those butterflies and took those away from me. Everyone was laughing specially that guy who gave me the present. I felt like such a fool. My boyfriend told me cheer up it was just a joke. I said nothing, I took my keys and drove back home. I took a shower and god knows how many times I used mouth wash. My boyfriend has been telling me I am being dramatic, nothing happened and I should just suck it up about this stupid fear of butterflies. He thinks that I am lying because I never panic whenever I see something shaped like a butterfly. I am tired to explaining it to him that I am scared of real live butterflies, not things shaped like a butterfly. AITA?
**RELEVANT COMMENTS**
**MaleficTekX**
>NTA. They know you’re scared of them and used that to humiliate you. They did it with a full box of butterflies, not even just one butterfly. They wanted it to be as scary as possible.
>Let’s Do the same to them with (non-venomous) spiders. See how they like it.
**OOP replied**
>>I had conversations about this with my boyfriend. He was very callous. He told me spiders look scary but butterflies don't. So obviously it is impossible. Butterflies are not poisonous like spiders and some species of spiders are poisonous.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/161059m/updateaita_for_storming_out_of_a_party_because_of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 25, 2023**
Ok, I am in the mood for an update because things have shifted. I know some of you suggested breakup. But my dumb brain thought why breakup because of a prank. So, I sat down to talk to him about it. I told him I am willing to let this go if his friend apologizes. He flipped out and said his friends doesn't need to apologize at all. Besides, he thinks my phobia is just a lie. Because he claims I wear a butterfly pendant and I am not afraid of it. He doesn't understand, that's not how my phobia works. I am afraid of real live butterflies. Not fake ones made from gold or silver. My pendant is butterfly shaped but it is far from what a butterfly is.
It was all useless. In the end we broke up. It just wasn't worth it if he doesn't understand my fears. Fine, I get it I might be difficult to deal with because of my phobia. Thank god we didn't live together. But we had each other's keys. I gave his back and asked for mine. He gave it back. Or so I thought. Because 2 days after our break up, I came home from work and opened a cabinet. And motherfucking hell there were butterflies. The one I am most afraid of are the dark ones. There were moths too. It was really scary for me. I had to call an exterminator and practically begging them to remove the butterfly infestation because they don't deal with it everyday so some of them refused. In the end I was able to remove most of it.
Some got out 2-3 days later. I am afraid some laid eggs and will form into a butterfly. I can't press charges because it is not considered harmful. And since I have given up my access to my housekey I cannot press charges for breaking in and enter. Nothing was stolen but this was a sick prank. I did change my locks. But I am looking for other places. Also people who suggested therapy, I have been in and out of therapy for 10 years. My phobia was so severe that I avoided watching the movie Mariposa when I was a kid because the wings of the character looked like butterflies. It is slightly better now. I am sure by the age of 45 I will be able to touch a butterfly without having panic attacks.
Also thank god I am not the only person who has this unusual phobia. I half expected people to mock me but you guys have been so supportive. Love you. <3
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,671 | 2023-09-01T04:01:09 | AITA for storming out of a party because of butterflies | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/166wnke/aita_for_storming_out_of_a_party_because_of/ | false | false | [
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166wo4h | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/CalciumRichh
**AITA for telling a guy at the gym to leave me alone?**
**Originally posted to** r/AITAH
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!harassment!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/160fpql/aita_for_telling_a_guy_at_the_gym_to_leave_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 24, 2023**
At the beginning of this year I decided I wanted to commit to working out again. At first I started at home in my garage and more recently I decided to join an actual gym again. It’s only a 4 minute drive from my husband and I’s house so it’s perfect.
Here’s my problem though. 2 weeks ago while I was deadlifting a guy came up to me and interrupt my workout to tell me that I was rounding my back and I could get seriously injured that way. I was kind of annoyed because I don’t like when people give me unsolicited advice and interrupt my workouts. aswell as what he was saying just wasn’t true because i wasn’t rounding my back at all. As I used to compete in powerlifting for a few years before I took a 2 year break from the gym. I know what proper form is and how to keep it.
He seemed like a nice guy so I just told him thanks but I’ve got it. That was the end of that interaction. The next day as I was in the gym the same guy comes up to me interrupts my workout again to ask me my name. I tell him my name he tells me his and i put my headphones back on and continue my workout. I know I maybe came off as rude but like I said I don’t like being bothered in the gym. Unless you’re asking me how many sets I have left so you can use the equipment next there’s nothing to talk to me about and i don’t want to engage in conversations. That’s just how I am.
When I was about to leave he stops me again and hands me his phone to put my number into and tells me that we should train sometimes. I told him that if i was going to train with anyone it would be my husband and i declined his phone. I thought that might let him know I’m really not interested. but over the course of 2 weeks he’s been constantly trying to speak to me interrupting me whenever he see’s me. Trying to get to know me on a personal level, he’s asked me out to smoothies after the gym multiple times, and he’s tried once more to get my number. I constantly remind him I’m happily married. I usually just fake smile/laugh and, respond very short and simple anytime we speak.
Like i said he seems like a nice guy but I’m not in the gym to make friends or cheat on my husband. I truly just want to workout and listen to my music but I’m constantly having to take my headphones off to give this man attention and now I’m spending more time in the gym because I have to catch up on what I’m really there to do and the talking is distracting it’s wasting a lot of time.
So yesterday while at the gym he comes up to me again while I’m in the middle of a set of goblet squats and he taps me on the shoulder to get my attention. He snuck up behind me and did it so it really startled me and i dropped the weight. I finally had enough and snapped. I took my headphones off and told him to leave me the fuck alone. He told me he was just trying to say hi and I guess he was embarrassed or something because he just walked out of the gym after that. I found that weird because didn’t you come to workout too? It’s like he only came for me and when I told him to leave me alone he just left.
I finished my workout and left. Now today I’m kind of worried about going to the gym because i know he’ll be there and i honestly don’t want to deal with this anymore. I simply want to workout. AITA here though should I apologize to him when I see him today?
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1612pkf/update_he_got_kicked_out_i_think/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 25, 2023**
I posted yesterday about this annoying man at my gym and I wanted to share the good news.
So last night I waited for my husband to get home from work. He got home at 9, we ate dinner quickly and we got to the gym at around 9:45. I usually go at 8 and he usually comes in around 8:30 so if the guy went to the gym I knew he’d either be gone already or on his way out. So when we got to the gym I told my husband to just do his own thing and I’ll text him if I need him. He told me he’d be keep an eye out as well.
Things were going fine for about 10 minutes then I see him. He had his gym bag and looked to be leaving but then he saw me too and started to approach me. I have no clue what his intentions were and i didn’t want to find out. I immediately got up and started to walk towards the front desk and he stupidly followed me all the way there. It caught the attention of my husband who was across the room and he started to follow us both too.
When I got to the front desk I didn’t wait. I just blurted out to the workers “This man won’t stop harassing me!” What happened next really pissed me off because he tried to lie his way out and pretend he’d been helping me out. He tried saying that he thought we were just gym buddies and friends and that he was just going to come say hey and catch up. My husband called bullshit and told him he knew everything and to stay the hell away from me. The guy tried to defend himself by saying that he only ever gave me advice on training and he doesn’t like false accusations.
At this point because we were being so loud the person who I assume is the gym manager heard us from his office, came out and, pulled him outside to talk. They stepped out to talk while my husband and I stayed at the front desk telling the other workers what’s been going on the past few weeks. A few minutes later the manager comes back inside and tells us that we don’t have to worry about him anymore and that he’s taken care of it. I saw the guy walking to his car to leave. I felt dumb in that moment because I realized the solution to my problem was that simple. I never even needed my husband to come in the first place.
Im not sure if he got banned or simply kicked out for that night. I guess when I go back tonight I’ll find out and I’ll have my husband accompany me again just in case. But the rest of our gym session was great. He never showed back up thank god. These past 2 weeks really made me want to stop going because I didn’t want to deal with him every time but I’m just really happy I can workout in peace again.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 8,991 | 2023-09-01T04:01:55 | AITA for telling a guy at the gym to leave me alone? | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/166wo4h/aita_for_telling_a_guy_at_the_gym_to_leave_me/ | false | false | [
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167iueg | I am NOT OP. Original post from r/MuslimMarriage by a user who has since deleted her account.
Trigger warning: >!Domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting!<
Mood spoiler: >!Relief!<
*For context: OOP refers to a katbiktab ceremony. This is a religious ceremony which means OOP and her husband are considered married by their religion and legally, but they still haven't had a "wedding," which is a larger celebration. OOP switches between referring to this upcoming larger celebration as a "wedding" and a "wedding reception."*
[Original Post: October 1, 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xte4a5/wedding_is_a_week_away_but_i_cant_ignore_this_red/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Salam alaikum, I’m looking for guidance or comfort as I’m in a difficult situation and am struggling with how to proceed.
I (29f Canadian) met my (now) husband (29, Egyptian-Canadian) in early 2021 via a dating app, but we had mutual friends already (same university). I quickly fell for him and after a year we got engaged. 2 months later, we had our katbiktab (nikkah, Islamic ceremony). It was very small, immediate family only.
Our wedding reception is in one week, 4.5 months after the katbiktab. There is obviously a fair amount of stress, as we’re stretched pretty thin to make the wedding work shortly after purchasing our first home. My husband is in a new job, and I’m in a famously high-stress job. I definitely acknowledge I have not been my best self lately, trying to make ends meet and get myself through each day frankly.
On to the red flag. My husband is a charismatic, funny guy. He’s loud. As am I! His personality has been something I’ve loved about him since I met him. But lately, there’s less humour and more commentary on world politics, sometimes right-wing conspiracy (or what I would call conspiracy) type stuff. It’s preachy. When I engage, it quickly becomes a fight, seemingly regardless of the stance I take. When I take issue with his tone, personal attacks, I get yelled at or told I’m purposefully vilifying him.
He’s starting to shout at me more often. Today it was in front of his whole family. It was humiliating. I cried. It was over me pushing back when his family told me they had already done the seating chart for their guests (???) despite not having the entire guest list. I did not think I was being rude, but I just explained that I needed to work off the draft I had, because I knew it had ALL guests on it. I was reassuring her she could rearrange tables if I got stuff wrong. My husband interjected himself from the next room shouting at me for saying his mom didn’t know everyone that was coming. Then he shouted that he wasn’t shouting, we were shouting.
I know I shouldn’t have, but I called him out on his immaturity. I called him out for yelling in front of our nephews (9, 7, 1) who were there. I told him to stay out of it if he was going to yell.
We finished the seating chart and I left to stay with my parents (we are visiting from out of town). It’s been 5 hours since the incident and I haven’t heard from my husband. When I left I gave everyone a quick hug goodbye including my husband. He didn’t walk me to my car.
He’s been shouting at me more at home too. I avoid certain topics altogether. It got physical once and he put his hand on my throat. (He apologized profusely for this and blamed it on frustration at my poor memory during an argument we were having.) Sometimes he pushes me, which I find super embarrassing in public (ie. shoves me out of the way if I go to pay at the store, despite us often alternating who pays).
I have verbalized that my parents don’t treat each other that way. I have told him I don’t want to be treated that way. I have explicitly said “don’t shout at me”, “don’t push me”, threatened to involve his older brothers. I’m sure I’m extra upset right now for a handful of reasons (wedding stress, menses/not praying, work stress) but I’m starting to worry that I’m being willfully blind here.
Can I let this slide and pray for change? What else can I try to encourage change? Does this sound like a stress response to you? What would you advise your sister to do in this situation?
Thank you for your time. Please be kind, I love my husband and am just at a loss.
Edit to clarify the throat-grab situation: We had a large verbal altercation where I was upset as I felt he hadn’t consulted with me before leaving his last job, and I was feeling huge financial pressure. Catch is, he had mentioned it to me already and I had been supportive of him, then forgotten. I often don’t eat enough and my memory suffers - I’m working on that. I was yelling at him and he was yelling at me and he grabbed me, immediately let go, and walked away. When we talked about it, I was furious and disgusted. He pointed out that while it was awful of him to do - he did what he was supposed to do: stopped, walked away. Basically he didn’t let it go any further than scaring me - I didn’t have any injury from it I was just upset. It was still wrong that he did it, and he has apologized, but I do recognize he must have been exceedingly frustrated as I was yelling at him for something I had cheerfully accepted only a couple of days before.
*Comments were overwhelmingly telling OOP to leave.* [One](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xte4a5/comment/ir5bj6h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) *from* u/Mald1z1
>Sister. It sounds to me like you have low self esteem. Having a man in the house is nice but you should know that you are fully capable of providing strength and stability to yourself and that you can be your own strong and steady.
>
>Women with low self esteem and who don't believe in themselves are often the prime targets for abuse because they have the misplaced idea or beleif that they can't have xyz in their life or be xyz without a man. The truth is, you can be your own stability. You are not small. You are very big and strong and it sounds like you have amazing friends and family who love and care for you a lot so you aren't alone.
[OP replied](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xte4a5/comment/ir5gn0r/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
>Thank you. What you’ve said is true, and while they were different from one another this is my second set of serious relationship issues. The first was my highschool sweetheart. We were together until 8 years after highschool, but he was a closet drinker who ended up getting bad and I had to kick him out when I realized what was going on and how bad it was affecting me. So TWICE I have ended up “in too deep” in a bad situation and had to “out” it to my family. I’m obviously prone to this for some reason and need to work on myself so it never happens again.
>
>I’m taking a dance class. I’m going to pick up my art and my writing again. I’m going to focus on improving my house that we own - I’ll either be living there and should like me own house, or will need to sell soon and improving it will be beneficial anyways.
**Update edited onto the same post:**
NEXT DAY UPDATE:Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This thread was the difference between me accepting his apology and calling his behaviour out. I told him today I won’t tolerate him shouting at me again. Period. He initially escalated and said “fine, call off the wedding then”. I called my dad at that point, right in front of him, and told my dad EVERYTHING (yes, the throat grab too).Then I called his eldest brother and told him everything too.His mom and eldest brother are on their way here to mediate. I called a friend from work (who got a crash course text after the call to bring her up to speed) so I don’t get hanged up on. Waiting for them all to get here now.Husband is incredibly apologetic. Promising change. Does not want to call the wedding off. I’m standing my ground that I won’t be treated poorly anymore. We’re going to discuss…. Everything? When his brother/mother get here.
[Update Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/xu2p5q/update_wedding_is_a_week_away_but_i_cant_ignore/): **October 2nd, 2022**
Apologies in advance. It’s been a difficult day but I realized you would all probably appreciate knowing I’m okay, so here’s an update.
Last night I slept at my parents’ house. When I woke up, no contact from my husband. I called him about 9:00am to ask if he was coming to the appointment with the photographer. He said yes, so I picked him up and we went to that together. We didn’t really talk, just “thanks for getting the gas” and “where’s the appointment?” talk.
After the photographer appointment, we left the city to head back to our own city an hour away. On the ride, about 20 min in, I said we needed to talk about the fight yesterday.
He asked what do we need to talk about?
I said “that you yelled at me in front of your family, to start”. He didn’t seem to want to say anything so I continued and told him I won’t tolerate being shouted at anymore. It’s disrespectful and I’ve made it clear I won’t put up with it.
He started getting irritated and pushing back. I yell too, he’s stressed, I was trying to plan his side of the seating plan blah blah blah
I told him that’s not the point, it doesn’t matter WHY you’re shouting. I won’t tolerate being shouted at anymore. I need this to change or I can’t go through with spending my life with someone who treats me poorly. He said well I’m not changing (!!!!!) so call off the wedding then.
He took that back pretty quickly. But not before I called my dad, right in front of him. I called my dad and told him as plainly as I could that since my husband and I moved in together he has been increasingly verbally abusive to me. I also told him about the throat grab and the shoving in public. While I was telling my dad this, my husband was speaking quietly beside me:
“Seriously? You’re really dragging them in to this?” Etc in my ear. I tuned him out and focused on my convo with my dad. This was telling.
I told my dad everything and we made a safety plan. I called him when we got to our city, and again when my husband left. My dad reminds me I do not need to go through with the wedding, and that abuse typically gets worse not better. I told my dad I don’t know whether to go through with the wedding and he tells me he thinks that’s the appropriate response here - but reminds me that there’s no need to make decisions today.
After I called my dad , I asked him “Are you calling you mom or am I?” He told me to. Instead, I called his eldest brother (his parents are elderly). I told him everything and he spoke to us a bit on the phone. He was perplexed by what I had told him and was condemning his brother’s actions.
We get home, husband pouring honey in my ear now about how we’re not calling off the wedding, not getting a divorce, he’s sorry and WILL agree to counselling etc.
We get a phone call. His mom and eldest brother are on their way up to our city to mediate.
I called my parents right away. They were NOT happy with the idea of his family leading a mediation. I have a lot of faith in my eldest brother in law so I was less worried, but also saw fit to call a friend to come over to support me.
My friend arrived first. I told her what I told my parents, in front of my husband. She mediated some talking, and pointed out my husband minimizing the times he laid hands on me. She pointed out that it makes sense I don’t trust my husband to change when until today he had firmly and repeatedly stated he would not participate in counselling.
My friend and I walked around the yard until my brother-in-law and mother-in-law arrived. When they got there we all sat in the living room. My BIL laid the ground rules of no interrupting. I told my story as simply as I could. I read the threats I had typed in to my phone note pad my husband had made to me. I explained he my husband would not agree to counselling even though I had been asking for months. Then my BIL asked my husband if he agreed with what I said.
My husband started by saying he had grabbed my throat because “she kinda ran - charged me and I - hand out to stop her- but yes I did.” So I clarified. I said: No, we were arguing and you got frustrated at me and grabbed my throat in anger. I was not coming at you, you were not scared of me or trying to keep me away. His brother asked “is that true?” And my husband conceded.
My BIL announced at this point that the violence was inexcusable. He said it’s not a big deal to cancel the Saturday reception, because either the relationship needs to be done, or we need to work on it over a significant amount of time to mend what’s broken and determine whether a healthy relationship can be established at all. He made it clear he will support whatever I decide moving forward, and he will make sure I’m not saddled with all the wedding debt (many payments to vendors are on my credit cards right now).
While my husband packed a bag to head back to his family home, my BIL and I talked about repurposing the wedding venue to be a family reunion spot for all his family flying in. My MIL hugged me, kissed me, told me she loves me.
Now I’m a stunned potato curled up in bed with my cat. Alhamdulillah.
Thank you to all of you wonderful caring people who were so concerned for me. Thank you for your words of courage and support. Thank you for your prayers.
As my friend and I walked the yard, she told me how I had changed since moving in with my husband and had become less sure of myself. She assured me that her and her husband are there for me, and are proud of me for standing up for myself. Thank God for good friends.
​ | 11,901 | 2023-09-01T20:56:38 | OOP's family have all come to celebrate her marriage, but her husband is showing his true colors... | INCONCLUSIVE | Sw33tSkitty | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167iueg/oops_family_have_all_come_to_celebrate_her/ | false | false | [
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167r42f | **Need help looking for an update?** Comment below!
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**Don't harass OOPs. Don't comment on original posts. Thank you.** | 342 | 2023-09-02T02:59:04 | Looking for a Post? Ask Here! - September 2023 Edition | META | czechtheboxes | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167r42f/looking_for_a_post_ask_here_september_2023_edition/ | false | false | [
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167sc10 | **I am not the OP. Original post is by** u/Throwaaway626 **in** r/TrueOffMyChest
TW: >!References to sexual assault, rape, incest!<
Mood Spoiler: >!Positive update!<
\~\~\~
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15z00fm/cried_after_sex_with_my_girlfriend_cant_tell_her/) \- Aug. 23, 2023
**Cried after sex with my girlfriend, can’t tell her why.**
Guess I’m just going to start using this account as my diary.
Just getting right into it, I was raped and molested by my aunt when I was younger. I’ve never processed it, never told anyone not even the therapist I’m currently seeing and I’m not interested in telling anyone.
I don’t think about it often but sometimes I’ll get “triggered” like when someone touches my thigh or my neck weird but I can manage. The one thing that I can’t handle is a girl being on top, I get this unsettling feeling that I don’t know how to explain, it’s like walking through a haunted house or watching a scary movie and knowing a jump scare is close by. I just get really uncomfortable and need it to be over as soon as it started.
Usually when my girlfriend tries to get on top I shut her down she’s picked up on the fact that I’m not really into it so she doesn’t try it as much but early yesterday morning I let her. I don’t know why, maybe I was just really in the zone I don’t know. But she does and I do kinda freak out at first but I don’t kick her off, I just let it keep happening. It’s starts to feel good like really good like better than usual good. I start to get flashbacks and I try to push them away. I end up finishing like that.
I just felt (feel) like such a freak. She gets off I turn over and start to cry. She doesn’t notice at first but when she does she gets really concerned and starts asking me all these (loving) questions and all it does is overwhelm me.
She was super affectionate all day (she always is but more so) she missed class so we could spend the day together even though I told her I wasn’t necessary and that I was okay.
I’ve just kinda been ignoring her when she tries to bring it up, which I know isn’t right but I’m not opening that can of worms. She’s dropped it but she’s still looking at me with “I know you’re upset about something please tell me what it is” eyes. I’m just hoping she forgets about it sooner than later.
\~\~\~
**Relevant Comments:**
[Top Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15z00fm/comment/jxe876n/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3): You ought to let her know bro. You don't have to tell her everything but if she's being so supportive than you should at least tell her the truth. Most guys can only hope for someone like that. Keeping things from her can hurt her too.
Also sorry you went through that man.
(**Note:** *The majority of the comments are in line with the top comment - encouraging OOP to tell somebody, and offering advice. OOP indicated that the following comment was particularly helpful to read*):
I know… 💗😔 You may be surprised to discover how many of us understand what you’re going through.
It’s the hardest thing to talk about. I’ll be the first to admit I spent 2 years processing it in therapy and now rarely talk about it unless it’s to help someone else.
It welled up inside of me around age 23 and I was forced to deal with it. It kinda infiltrated everything in my life at that point. I was getting flashbacks out of the blue—unprovoked. I was also triggered badly during sex.
I’m not going to lie to you. It’s God awful processing it, but it’s also freeing. Though it won’t feel like that at all at first. It can be quite overwhelming. Sometimes you have to trust the process and your instincts. A therapist versed in trauma can make a big difference and help you feel safe.
But you know what—all that stuff can barely touch me anymore. I do have to really trust a sexual partner, but the triggers aren’t there.
I’d say only tell those you really, really trust. Especially at first. Your girlfriend really cares it seems like. Maybe she won’t be the first person you tell because it’s so high stakes. Or maybe you will tell her first. Find what feels right for you in this moment. You don’t have to force anything. You can take baby steps to tell her too.
I like the idea of letting her know there is trauma there, but you aren’t ready to talk about it today, but her support and understanding means everything to you. Let her know when you are ready, you’ll tell her more. Maybe let her know that sex on top doesn’t work for you right now, but xyz are ok.
I think she already knows something happened, generally. We women have some scary strong intuition that way. And that doesn’t seem to be scaring her. She seems capable of empathy and is waiting for you. That’s a really good sign.
If you don’t trust your therapist enough to share this with them, maybe start with someone you emotionally trust first. Or if talking to strangers is easier maybe find a group therapy situation and listen for awhile until you feel safe to participate. Or maybe find an online support group. Maybe read some threads and see how others handled this moment.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💗💗💗😔 It’s not your fault… Trust that you will find you way. You took the first step today. I’m proud of you.
I wish you so much peace and so many good things in your life. 💗💗💗 [(Source)](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/15z00fm/comment/jxg9p8t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
\~\~\~
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/161v2rr/cried_after_sex_with_my_girlfriend_told_her_why/) \- Aug. 26, 2023
**Cried after sex with my girlfriend, told her why.**
Firstly, I want to thank everyone for the kind words and encouragement I definitely don’t think I would’ve been able to do this if I didn’t post on here so thanks.
I thought about texting her, typed like 4 paragraphs but ultimately decided the best would be to tell her face to face. Definitely the hardest conversation I’ve ever had I could barely get words out but she understood what I was saying. She was so sweet and caring I think she cried more than me lol.
We had a long talk. I told her I didn’t want her to treat me like I’m fragile because I’m not fragile I just get a little fucked up sometimes and need to take a breather, that’s it. She said she doesn’t see my any different, she’s just happy she can understand me better. I told her I didn’t want her to act too weird around my aunt at family functions, I didn’t tell her who had done what but she was able to guess which is pretty scary, but also validating I guess. She agreed but said she would avoid her which was expected.
Later on in the day she said that she appreciates my vulnerability and that she also wants to be open with me. I had asked her about a month ago if she wanted to move in with me and she gave me a maybe that sounded a lot like a no, which was fine. She told me that she did really want to take that step with me and still does, she was just scared, but if I can trust her she should just me, which I really appreciate.
I still feel so exposed and embarrassed, I think it’s gonna take a few days for me to shake that feeling. But I’m glad I did it. I love her, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I mean that, I feel a lot of peace being so open with her.
\~\~\~
*Note: Marked as concluded, since they talked it out. Really really hope things turn out well for OOP!*
**Reminder - I am NOT the original poster. Don't forget that commenting on the original posts is not allowed.** | 3,169 | 2023-09-02T04:00:18 | Cried after sex with my girlfriend, can’t tell her why. | CONCLUDED | SJDude13 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167sc10/cried_after_sex_with_my_girlfriend_cant_tell_her/ | false | false | [
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167sgiq | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Which_Ad_6090
**My boyfriend of 5 years told me he does not want to have kids. Help.**
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!infidelity, gas lighting, emotional abuse!<
**Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1464y8y/my_boyfriend_of_5_years_told_me_he_does_not_want/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **June 10, 2023**
Hello everybody,
I (female, 27) have been together with my boyfriend (male, 27) for 5 years now. We moved in together quite early in our relationship and everything was great until November of last year, when we decided to get a cat. I had been wanting to have a cat for a long time and in 2021 I asked him if we could get a one. He told me he was not really a cat/pet person in general and he didn’t think it was a good idea, since we both work full time. It made sense at the time so I accepted and never mentioned it again. Until August 2022, when HE suggested we should get one, as he knew it would make me really happy. I was over the moon and we got our kitty in October 2022. In December 2022 we got a 2nd kitty. Cats are very social animals and they are way happier if they are not alone. My boyfriend was not very sure about it, but I convinced him.
I looove them so much. Yes, they are a big responsibility, and yes, the do make a lot of work. But I don’t care, they’re a 100% worth it. I am the one who takes care of them, my boyfriend does not need to do anything. He had to feed them a couple times since I was away for work, but that’s it. A couple of months ago we had a big fight. We have been having some trust issues (I caught him lying a couple times, hence my trust issues) and the situation was really tense between us. During this fight he told me he did not feel comfortable anymore at home, because of the cats. He told me they make him nervous when they run and play (they’re kitties?), it bothers him that we have now a cat tree and that there are cat toys laying around the house,.. you get it. During this fight he also told me he wanted us to give the cats away. I stopped him and told him that I am not the kind of person, who gets pets to give them away later. My family and I have always have pets and our last dog was with us for 17 years, until she passed away. I love pets and I see them as a part of the family. Once they are there, they do not go anywhere. Since the day they I got them, they became my responsibility and I could never do that to them. I would never forgive myself. I told him we would find a solution and make it work.
Again, I am the one who takes care of them. I clean the cat toilet twice a day and always vacuum and dust everything once I get home from work. I keep the house clean. But cats are cats, you cannot control them like a dog. Don’t get me wrong, they are not bad behaved cats, they are really cuddly and they follow me everywhere…. But they are cats.
The situation between us was still tense because of the trust issues, but I thought that we were on good terms regarding the cats. A month ago we had another fight that had nothing to do with them, but he told me he could not live with them anymore and they had to leave. He says he can’t relax when he gets home from work because they are there. I remembered him I would not give the cats away. I also remembered him HE was the one who suggested getting one and I do not think he is being fair, he also knew how it was to live with cats (his parents had 3 when he lived with them).He told me he knew it was his idea and he regretted suggesting it.
I thought it could not get any worse, but then it did: he said “if I am being honest, I do not think I even want to have kids.” I froze and asked if he was being serious. For me, it was clear that we were on the same page about kids (my fault I guess). We had never have a serious conversation about it, but when we spoke about our future, I always mentioned kids and he never said he did not want any.
He said it was not a 100% NO to kids, but he could not imagine his life with kids right now. I told him I could not imagine my life with kids right now either (we are still young and are focussing on our careers), but that I am a 100% sure that I want to have kids in the future. I have always known I wanted to become a mom. I told him I did not want to pressure him but that I would really appreciate if he could be honest with me (and with himself) since this is kind of a deal breaker. I also told him I did not expect an answer vey soon, since it is a life changing decision, but in one year or two I would like to know for sure. We left it at that.
Today we had another conversation/fight. As I mentioned, the situation is tense between us, but we have been trying to make it work. Today he told me once again that the cats have to leave. I said they are not going anywhere. He said he couldn’t believe that they are more important to me than him. I told him it has nothing to do with it, but that they are not toys you can take or give away as you please. We went back and forth for a while. Then the topic children came up again. This time he told me he is pretty sure he does not want to have any. Not now, not in the future. I didn’t know what to say. He asked me if I was a 100% sure I do want kids, I said yes. I asked him what he expected me to do now? Give the cats away and then not have any pets ever again and not have kids either? He said yes. He asked if he is not enough to make me happy. I told him he makes me really happy but I have to be honest with him and with myself. And I know I would not be happy without kids. There was a lot of silence.
He’s gone with a friend now. I’m home thinking about everything we said. This is a deal breaker, right? I am starting to doubt myself. What if we go separate ways and I never meet anybody I want to have kids with? I do not know that to do and I am really scared. Is this the end? 3 months ago I was sure we would get married and have a family together. Last year I was waiting for a proposal!
I also live in a foreign country. I already lived here before we met, I didn’t come here because of him. But it makes it a 1000 times worse being away from my family and friends. I am really sorry if my English is not perfect. It is my third language. I am also really sorry because of how long this post is. I just needed to get it all out. Thank you so much if you find time enough to read it and give me your advice ❤️
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/146zzk2/update_my_boyfriend_of_5_years_told_me_he_does/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **June 11, 2023**
UPDATE:
I still can believe I’m writing this right now.
Many of you asked what was the reason for the trust issues. I don’t know if you read the comments, but I caught him lying about having drinks with a coworker we had already had fights about. He knew what my position was about this girl. This happened in December of last year (two days after my birthday, yay). I forgave him and told him that if he wanted me to trust him, he needed to be a 100% honest with me. I also asked him to keep their relationship 100% professional, I mean, I know they work together and will still have to have contact with each other.
Two months later I saw he had received a pretty long message on his phone. Out of curiosity I asked who it was. He said it didn’t matter. I’m sorry, what?? I asked him to show it to me and he didn’t want to. I mean, if you don’t have anything to hide, what is the problem? Yes, he was texting with her. He told me everything had to do with work. He also told me they just had kind of the same humor and just got each other. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that, right? I told him once again that I didn’t have a good feeling about this girl. I told him clearly what my boundaries were. He told me he understood, he didn’t want to lose me and he loved me. I believed him once again. My mistake.
So now we come to yesterday after our conversation. He told me he needed some fresh air and went out. He didn’t come back in several hours and I thought he had went to a birthday party with a friend. I thought this was kind of weird after such a conversation? Anyways, around 21pm I get a text message from a mutual friend, asking me if she and another friend could come over. I thought this was kind of weird. We always did things together in a group, with our partners and other friends, but never alone. I told her they could come.
Once they arrived I saw immediately there was something really wrong. I could tell they where really nervous and one of them was about to burst into tears. She told me she was really sorry, but she needed to tell me something. Turns out she was out with his BF and some friends when she saw my BW drinking a beer on a terrace. He was sitting at a table with a girl. She thought it was me and went to say Hi. Once she got closer she could tell it was not me. It was his coworker. They were holding hands. She knew about my issues with this girl, I had told her what happened. She went up to them and said “hello?!?!?” In a sarcastic way. He says their faces went white, but he quickly changed and ask if they wanted to join them, as if there was nothing wrong with the fact they were together. She said no and left. Then she texted me.
I just could not believe what I was hearing. I had been so sad the whole day, but now I was just feeling angry and disappointed. I didn’t know what to do. I could not stay at home just waiting for him to come back. I also didnt think he thought this friend would come directly to tell me what she saw.
The girls stayed with me and I told them what happened earlier in the day. And how I could not believe that the first thing he did after that was going to her???? I knew I needed to see them with my own eyes, and make sure he knew I saw them. I knew approx where this girl lived, so I asked them if they would come with me on a drive, just to check it out.
We arrived and I KID YOU NOT after 2 minutes of us being there, we see them coming around the corner driving an electric scooter together. He was driving and she was hugging him from behind. They didn’t see us. Once they parked they started walking to a building (where she lived). I saw him hugging her from behind and giving her a kiss on her cheek. I also saw him putting his arm around her shoulders while they where walking. Everything is on video since my friend started recording when they arrived. I run up to them and told him what a complete asshole he is. His face once he saw me was again completely white. He asked what was going on. What do you fucking mean what is going on???????!!!??? I told him I didn’t want to see him ever again and left. We were on the car about to leave as he came around the corner to talk to me. He told me once again he did not understand what was going on. I asked him what he was doing with her holding hands and kissing her on the cheek. All in all, his explanation was that he went to her looking for some advice regarding the kids topic. He said he did want to lose me and was trying to figure out what to do. He told me she was his only female friend he could trust. I told him that still did not explain why they would hold hands or why he would kiss her in the cheek. He said that was his way of thanking her. Are you kidding me?
I am still in shock and can’t believe that really happened. I am so happy my friends where there too and made a video, because of course he has already tried denying what I saw…
He came home, we argued about it and he kept saying he just wanted to get some advice from a female friend. He said he was sorry about the kiss but he denied putting his arm around her. I told him I have it on fucking video? He also kept saying he never kissed her on the mouth or have sex with her, so he hadn’t done anything wrong nor crossed any boundary. I told him there were many other things that were also crossing a boundary!!!!!!! And I reminded him how I had clearly told him before where my boundaries where!!!
I really cannot believe he thinks he has not done anything wrong??
He also said he cannot believe I was thinking about leaving because of some cats and some kids we don’t even have.
I’m completely heartbroken. I never thought he was this way. If I have been so long with him, is because I really thought he was a good guy. He was always supportive, kind, attentive, he made me feel loved… and now everything has turned into a nightmare.
[Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/161ubtp/final_update_my_boyfriend_of_5_years_told_me_he/) **Aug 26, 2023**
Hello everybody. I know it has been a really long time since I have given you an update but there has been a lot going on in the last 2 months.
The last thing I told you was that I saw him with his work colleague on the street. Well after that he continued to deny for weeks that there was something going on between them and that he only wanted some advice from another woman. I started to doubt myself and almost believed him, but I had this feeling inside that was telling me there was much more to the story. And my gut feeling was right.
To summarise: I found some receipts from a zoo and train tickets going to another city. The train tickets were from May, and when I checked the date I realised it was a holiday. I remembered I had the day off but he told me he had to work. He left for “work” and left me alone the whole day. He came back really late that day. There was no explanation as to why he would have gone to that city without telling me. The zoo ticket was from only a few days before, so already after I had seen him with her on the street.
I confronted him with the receipts. I could tell he was caught off guard by his reaction and he admitted he had gone to that city and to the zoo with her. So I asked him to stop being a coward and to tell me the truth for once, that I deserved a little honesty after all.
He admitted to secretly seeing her a couple times since December (he says 4-5 times, I think it was a lot more). He also admitted to kissing her, but only 4 times, which of course I don’t believe it was only 4 times.
His excuse was that he had been having so much stress at work and at home things weren’t going great either, so he just needed to disconnect and do something else without thinking about problems. I told him that was not an excuse for cheating on me. (Also, in his opinion what he did is not cheating).
I felt heartbroken but also relieved because for once I felt I had a little bit of truth. I also felt relieved to know that I was not crazy and that my intuition was right the whole time about this girl.
Since then, he has apologised and has told me he loves me and that what he did was the greatest mistake of his life and he will forever regret it. I told him a “mistake” happens once, but 4-5 times is a conscious decision. He has asked me to give him another chance and that he will show me I can trust him and to think about how happy we were together before everything happened. I told him I had been very happy with him but that everything is ruined now.
That is a really summarised update, but I think you get an idea of what has been going on the last months. I don’t really want to go into much detail since it all still hurts me a lot.
On a positive note, I have now finally found an apartment for me and for my cats (it is unbelievably difficult to find one in my city). We will be moving out soon and I am excited for what the future brings. I also have had my first therapy sessions which I am also really excited about. I have a lot of contradictory feelings and emotions that I need to work through.
I thank all of you for your time reading my posts and for all of your nice words and pieces of advice. I you all made me feel less alone in a really difficult time.
And for me, I know I now need time to heal, but it will only get better from now on ❤️🩹
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,458 | 2023-09-02T04:06:14 | My boyfriend of 5 years told me he does not want to have kids. Help. | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167sgiq/my_boyfriend_of_5_years_told_me_he_does_not_want/ | false | false | [
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167shh8 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/EuphoricBed446
**AITA for worrying about my fiancée's friend who she used to have a crush on?**
**Originally posted to** r/AITAH & r/TwoHotTakes
[Original Post](https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/hsNH3FM4Uv) **July 31, 2023**
I (29M) have been with my fiancée (25F) for 3 years. She has these friends, Tanya and Alan (25f & 26m). They are currently dating and going to get married at the end of this year. A little bit of backstory here, my fiancée, Tanya and Alan were college friends. They belonged in the same friend group for 4 years. They were in the same major and they also did their thesis together. So, they have been pretty close. But the thing is my fiancée confessed that she used to have a crush on Alan. She described that on the first day of their CS class Alan sat next to her, from that moment she wanted to be his girlfriend. But Alan was way more interested in her friend Tanya. Tanya knew about my fiancée's crush on Alan, despite that she started dating him. Of course back then my fiancée was hurt, but she eventually forgave Tanya and Alan. She also said that she got over her crush. She realized Alan and her wouldn't be good together at all because they have way too many differences. But they stayed as their friends. They are not that close.
After college my fiancée lost touch with most of her college friends. She is only friends with girls who she went to high school with. I don't hear Tanya and Alan's name from her mouth that much. She told me she had a crush on Alan but she got over it within 6 months because Alan once made a sexist joke in presence of her and she took off her rose tinted glasses since then. And the only reason she is still friends with Tanya is because she holds no grudge against her. In fact I remember she told me that she was only cordial with them till now is because they did thesis together and worked on 2 different papers while they were students. I saw no animosity between Tanya and her. I have never had a hint of suspicion that my fiancée is doing something with Alan. But I still feel uncomfortable knowing my fiancée is still friends with someone she used to have a massive crush on.
But I cannot help but feel like a total asshole if I tell her that she shouldn't meet Alan and Tanya. Am I wrong? Is it something I should be worried about?
[Update](https://reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/TqRcxmEX8x) **Aug 5, 2023**
For context, I (29m) posted an AITA here. But I got more from my fiancée this week which made me wonder if this is something normal or is she just a manipulative liar.
Summary of my previous AITA post: My fiancée (25f) had a crush on her friend's (25f) boyfriend, Alan (26m). She is also close friends with Tanya. Before Tanya was with Alan, my fiancée had a crush on him and Tanya knew. But Alan refused my fiancée's proposal and started a relationship with Tanya. They are college buddies. My fiancée says she doesn't have feelings for Alan because they are incompatible. But I had my doubts.
Update from that post: I talked to my fiancee about my insecurities. She laughed and said I have nothing to worry about. I was relieved. Then she went onto back biting her friend Tanya saying she was only friends with Tanya and Alan because they both had potential that can boost her chances of publishing a research paper. Let me explain, My fiancee is from computer science background. She was friend and batchmate with Tanya and Alan. Alan is really good coder. He has really good skills in coding which can be helpful for anyone doing a group project with him. Tanya was good with research stuff and front end development. My fiancee was also very good on her own but they were sort of pro at what they do. She knew that friendship with Tanya and Alan would be beneficial during her thesis because they can submit their research paper in an international conference. It is a huge deal if someone has few researches in their names. So, my fiancee set aside her ego and pretended to be friends with Alan and Tanya so that they can form a thesis group.
And she was right. Their paper got published in 2 separate conference. Not only that they did almost every project together so, she got full marks on her projects that boosted her GPA. She confessed that she never considered Tanya and Alan her bestfriend. She only pretended to be their friends just for those benefits. But in reality she hates Tanya because at one point she tried to sabotage her grade. She has no proof that Tanya did it but she is 100% sure it was her. She also said Tanya was a snake and Alan is a misogynist fuckboy. If it wasn't for the academic boost, she would never be friends with them. She only only talks to them out of formality.
I am starting to wonder, if that makes her a manipulative liar. Because when she is with Tanya and Alan, she pretends that they are bestfriends and they love each other. There is no animosity. But when she is alone she rolls her eyes each time Tanya comes up. I find like she is two faced with those people. I did address this, she told me I wouldn't understand, in real world you have to pretend to like people if you want to get ahead. Is this is red flag?
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 2,361 | 2023-09-02T04:07:38 | AITA for worrying about my fiancée's friend who she used to have a crush on? | INCONCLUSIVE | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167shh8/aita_for_worrying_about_my_fiancées_friend_who/ | false | false | [
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167taqa | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Mobile-Loquat9371](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mobile-Loquat9371/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
**Trigger warning:** >!mentions of general creepy sexual behavior; purity culture/sex shaming!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!It works out for OOP!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15xaisg/wibta_if_i_told_my_landlord_about_my_roommates/)**: August 21, 2023**
I (18F) just started my freshman year of college last week. At my university, it is not mandatory that you live on campus the first year, and I did not want to live in a dorm, so my parents helped me apartment hunt. They mostly just gave me tips or helped when asked because they wanted me to pick what I thought would be best for me, since I'm ultimately going to be the one paying for the rent. I chose a place very close to campus (5-15 minute walk depending on which building you're heading to) and with great amenities in relation to my rent payment. It's not campus-owned, but it is exclusively marketed to students and has a questionnaire on the application for the purpose of placing you with your roommates that asks about your major, greek affiliation, clubs, etc.
Anyway, I applied, got accepted, and got a letter two weeks prior to move-in with my apartment number, bedroom number, and the name/phone # of my new roomies for a 3-bed unit. We made a group chat and started to get to know each other. Layla (19F) is a sophomore, and Mina (23F) is a college super senior. I found out what they study, what they like, what they hate, what they're allergic to, their ground rules, etc. Everything seemed great. Then the day I move in I learn Mina is married. Her husband Kurt (25M) is nice, but he didn't leave. After a couple days I come to learn that he lives in the apartment with Mina. Definitely not what I was expecting and not what I signed up for. The apartment complex does not do co-ed living unless you and another person apply together for a 2-bed unit.
I ended up asking Mina offhandedly where Kurt stays just to confirm, and she said he lives with her in her room. She asked me in a joking tone if I'd be "hush hush" about it because the leasing office doesn't know and this is the cheapest option for them with all the amenities they want until they get a house together, which they're planning to purchase/finance in the spring when they're sure Mina is going to graduate. They're also apparently trying (or will start trying) for a baby because they're ready for a family.
I'm upset and uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. I want to report Mina to the leasing office and get her removed, but I'm worried that even thought they're the ones breaking the rules that I might just be overreacting. I really don't like living with a grown man I don't know when I signed up to live with other girls, primarily in my age group. I was excited to move in with people that I wouldn't feel weird walking around in a sports bra and gym shorts, and being able to go to the fridge in the middle of the night for a snack in my underwear, and not having to lock the door every time I go in or leave my room, but I don't feel like I can do that with Kurt here. I've already caught him looking me up and down and I really don't want it to go past that and there be drama on top of all of this. Would I be the asshole if I just report the situation to my landlord?
EDIT- I'll be talking to Layla tomorrow when we've got some time alone. Also I need to clarify something that seems to have been misunderstood. Mina and Kurt wouldn't be homeless, they would just have to move back in with their parents. When I said in my explanation they would have "nowhere to go" I meant that, as far as I know, they don't have relatives in town or a friend with an extra room. So Mina would likely have to switch her classes to online or take a gap semester or gap year before finishing her degree, that is if she can't find someone to stay with, IF she even gets removed from the apartment. Also, she and Kurt aren't "broke college kids". They both come relatively well-off families, I'm guessing, because they each have new, pretty expensive cars and no payments, and Mina has mentioned to me that she'll be graduating debt free and never had to take out a loan. This is all on top of the fact that Kurt has no job, which got confirmed to me like an hour ago, and they've both talked in front of me about how they'll be able to afford a 60k down-payment on a house in spring. They're also looking for home back in the city they're from which is far more expensive than buying a place in most of the rest of the state. Maybe I'm being a bit presumptuous, but I think they would've been able to financially handle moving into a different place. I'll update again tomorrow after talking to Layla.
EDIT 2- Corrected my mistake in my first edit. Second edit is in the comments. Further updates will be provided as they happen I guess. Thanks all <3
EDIT 3- Check most recent comments! I probably left some stuff ot because I'm rushing to my next class, but leave any questions if you have them
***Relevant Comments:***
*More on the lease:*
"Also, about rent, we all have separate leases. We essentially lease our bedrooms, so we're all charged the same rate. So even if Layla also had a husband living with her, or if Kurt suddenly disappeared, I would still be paying the same rate. I'm not really torn up about whether Mina getting to split rent is "fair" or if I'm getting shafted. If anything I'd assume they feel cramped. Two people are sharing the bedroom/bathroom for a single person and the fridge/freezer/pantry space of one person. That would suck too much for me to bring in a secret roommate to cut my costs, unless I was living in the cheapest place and still couldn't afford it."
*Definitely report to the front office and request a change:*
"I'd feel too confrontational approaching things this way, but that may be what I need to do. I'm afraid to come off too strong, I don't have a lot of experience with dealing with confrontation head-on and I'm afraid I'll shrink and turn into a doormat if I get intimidated. If I do decide to go this route, I think I'll need one or both of my parents with me, but I also really don't want to stress them out with all of this. I'll figure it out, though.
Also, might not be super important, but I wouldn't even be able to simply request a room change since the apartment complex is at full capacity. My university over-enrolled this year, and you can't request a room change if there are no free rooms available, even if you can find someone else who also wants to swap."
*What do your parents think?*
"I haven't told them yet. They know Mina is married but not that Kurt lives in her room. I know my mom would take a more restrained, but still very stern, kind of approach. My father would probably lose his shit. I really don't want him to blow up in the office, especially since I plan to continue living here, because I don't want his actions or his attitude to damage my rep/relationship with my landlord."
*What about if you get a boyfriend/other roommate gets one?*
"I'm not against my roommates bringing their partners over. Layla's bf visits every weekend. But he doesn't live her. Kurt does. He's at the apartment pretty much all the time. I'm not sure he has a job at this point because he's never not there unless Mina isn't. And he's not a student either."
"A partner staying the night is allowed in the lease and I have 0 issue with it. Layla's bf visits every weekend and stays overnight on Saturdays. That's fine. Kurt LIVES in Mina's room, which is not allowed.
The rule for our place is one overnight guest per tenant, one night per week. I wouldn't care if one of them had two overnight guests or a bf over for two nights now and then instead of one. Not a huge deal. Kurt full on living there is a problem a huge lease violation that's been going on since Mina moved in a year ago. I think with that in mind, the office would take it more seriously and evict Mina."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15xaisg/wibta_if_i_told_my_landlord_about_my_roommates/jxerdli/?context=3) **in comments: August 23, 2023 (2 days later)**
EDIT 2- Doing this as a comment because I got warned about the character limit for edits on a post. A \*\*lot\*\* happened yesterday and I'm sitting in the campus starbucks with a quad latte right now to avoid the incoming hell at the apartment.
So, for starters, I made an error in my edit. I was thinking about several things at once and said Kurt and Mina have 10k for a down payment. 10k is what Kurt's father is going to throw in. Mina and Kurt currently have 60k.
I spoke to Layla yesterday between classes. I ran into at the library, we had a chat, and it turns out she HATES living with Mina and Kurt, but she's been afraid to tell her parents because it's been so long already, but she'd need to get money for the room change fee from them. I asked her why she didn't just make something up, but she said she has a really hard time lying to her parents and she would still be at the apartment complex and is worried Mina would come find her and grill her about why she switched.
She said that she didn't actually realize Kurt never left until around a month into living there and she thought it was temporary, but she eventually came to learn that Mina and Kurt married the summer after Mina's sophomore year and they moved into this apartment complex afterward with the intention of splitting the rent so they could get the cheapest and nicest deal. They had already been here for a year when Layla moved in and was placed with them, and she also didn't want to speak up because the other roommate Kristen was ALSO married and had her husband living with her and was in on the scheme with Mina. She was terrified that I would bring along a live-in bf or husband. Layla also said she felt like if she spoke up to the office, Mina and Kristen would band together and say she was lying and it would just be her word against theirs. She's so much more conflict-shy than I am. I asked her if she would feel comfortable backing me up if I went to my parents about this whole thing and got them to complain to the landlord on my behalf. Layla said she'd support me and was tired of living like this.
I also told her about catching Kurt eyeing me, and she said she's caught him checking her out several times, even when Mina was in the room (just while she wasn't watching). He's also apparently made some bordering-on-creepy comments about her, especially when she comes home from working out and is in leggings and a tank. And the one time she went out with Mina and Kurt to the college bar to try and make the best out of the situation, he flirted with her and a couple of Mina's friends every time Mina stepped away. This felt like a final straw for me and confirmed what I was worried about with Kurt. After I left the library, I got in my car and called my parents. I told them everything, including what Layla told me, and they were pissed to say the least. My dad told me he was going to call first thing in the morning and keep calling until he got my landlord on the other end. My mom said she'd come down to the office in person since she wouldn't have work that day to also speak with the landlord and be there for me in case Mina got mad at me. my aunt, my mom's sister, lives in my college town, and so if I end up needing to stay somewhere for a few days to get away I can stay there.
The office opened at 7:00 this morning and its almost 9:30 for me. Dad just texted saying he got to speak with the landlord and that this will be taken care of soon. Mom is on her way to the office and is supposed to call me when she leaves. I'm not sure if I'm jittery from the caffeine or the anxiety, but I keep backspacing over typos. Every time I get a phone notification I just stare at that shit like 0\_0 because I'm expecting Mina to start cussing me out because she magically knows exactly what I'm up to.
I have a class this afternoon and some assignments to take care of, but I'll try and update again tomorrow if anything progresses. Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. Some of it was incredibly eye-opening and I feel very confident about my decision. I'm going to type up a short email of my own just to the landlord about the situation so that I can just get it down "on paper" and then try and go about my day.
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15xaisg/wibta_if_i_told_my_landlord_about_my_roommates/jxvbppg/?context=3) **in comments 2: August 26, 2023 (5 days from OG post)**
EDIT 3- Okay I had some assignments to do (english 101 gave me an essay ALREADY) and I wanted to see who a couple things would play out before I updated. It got a little crazy. Kurt is already gone.
On Wednesday, when my parents contacted the office, my mother thought it would be productive to try and contact Mina's parents. I know Mina's first name and her maiden name (got that info from Layla) and I told my mom so that she cold try and find Mina's family on social media. She found an old FB page from high school with Mina's name attached to it, and then she found Mina's parents in the friends list. Mina's mom's FB page (we'll call her Cheryl) is current.
She messaged her to let her know what the situation is and that she isn't trying to make things hard on Mina or her family, but that she and my dad aren't going to allow this sort of thing to keep going on. She also said she would be happy for all of us (me, Layla, Mina, Kurt, all of our parents) to sit down and discuss things and come to some sort of agreement if possible before this turns into a legal proceeding. Mom, dad, Layla, and I were expecting the leasing office to either threaten legal eviction or start the process based on how upset the landlord seemed after my parents spoke to her. She also emailed me back and seemed to be taking the situation very seriously.
It took Cheryl a few hours to respond, and mom ended up showing me their back and forth. Cheryl was confused at first and asked a few times if we were sure about what we were telling her. My mom insisted that yes, this was the problem, and that my other roommate Layla had been dealing with this for a year prior to me. Cheryl didn't reply for a while again, and then she told us that we wouldn't have to worry about Kurt anymore and that she was calling his parents about this. It turns out, Kurt and Mina weren't married yet. Their wedding is in March just after we get out for Spring Break. Mina and Kurt's families are both Catholic and apparently Mina and Kurt living together unmarried and lying big time about it is a huge no-no.
I stayed with my aunt the past couple days, but according to Layla, Kurt was gone by the time she got home after class Wednesday afternoon, and then he came back before her morning class with some relatives to collect all of his things. Mina hasn't said a word in the group chat, but Layla told me that she's trying to complain about me while I'm not there because she thinks I'm the one who talked (and she's right ofc). She's said multiple times that I'm "a loudmouth bitch" and that I'm "ruining her life". After fully assessing the situation, the landlord has given her, as of yesterday, seven days to move out, or she will start the legal eviction process. She's also apparently offering to allow her to retain her deposit so long as she turns her keys into the office in person by the end of hours on the 31st.
According to Layla, Mina doesn't want to go through an eviction because it stays on your record and makes future renting difficult and can seriously impact your credit score. Also her parents don't want her involved in legal trouble, and they're upset she's been lying about her living arrangements for so long that they're moving her in with a relative in a little community/suburb like 20 minutes outside of town. It was apparently either that, or her withdrawing for the semester and not returning until spring, which would delay her graduation. They also want to send her on something called a purity retreat?
That's pretty much the gist of it. I have a class to get to now, and I'm sure there's some stuff I'm forgetting because I'm so scrambled, but if there is I'll add another update I guess? Sorry I keep giving such long updates, I'm really wordy. Thanks again for the support and advice and everything <3
***Relevant Comment:***
*Wait, if Mina and Kurt are rich, why are they living in something this cheap?*
"I wouldn't say rich, but definitely comfortable.
My experience here though has taught me that nobody tries to be cheaper (in certain things) than people who can afford not to be. One of my dad's sisters buys nice cars, keeps her bills paid, constantly eats out, but she won't pay somebody to keep her house clean and yard nice, which she doesn't have the time or physical capability to do. A friend of mine's grandmother is basically loaded, but she lives in a trailer in the middle of nowhere and only eats frozen premade meals. He doesn't know if she does it because she's cheap or because she's saving what she has so she can leave it to her kids or what.
It's weird to me, but some well-off people will put money only into what they think is worth it and let everything else rot." | 4,766 | 2023-09-02T04:51:35 | WIBTA If I Told My Landlord About My Roommate's Husband? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167taqa/wibta_if_i_told_my_landlord_about_my_roommates/ | false | false | [
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167tkhd | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/throwra-marzipan](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwra-marzipan/). She posted in r/relationship_advice
**Trigger Warning:** >!alcoholism!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!not the worst ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1607jyd/my_31f_best_friend_32f_is_telling_me_that_my/)**: August 24, 2023**
I’ve been best friends with “Becca” since 2010, we were college roommates and then after we graduated we still lived together up until I moved in with my boyfriend “Nate” in 2019. One thing about Becca is that she’s always had a drinking problem for as long as I’ve known her and she’s done stuff while drunk that has sometimes caused problems in our friendship. She does try to stay sober but every few years something will happen to make her start drinking again, which is what happened earlier this summer.
So last Saturday Becca called me because she was drunk somewhere and needed a ride home. I couldn’t go pick her up because I had the flu and I was on cold medicine, so Nate went to get her instead.
A couple of days after that I started noticing that Nate was being weird with his phone. Normally he leaves it out on the coffee table if we’re watching tv or whatever, but he started putting it face-down so I couldn’t see what notifications he was getting. My first thought was that he was trying to plan a surprise and because of the timing I thought that maybe Becca was helping him.
Yesterday I saw Becca I told her that Nate was being sneaky all of a sudden and asked her if he said anything about maybe proposing soon. She asked me if I looked through his phone and I said no. Becca started crying and told me that she and Nate hooked up in his car the night that he came to pick her up, her excuse was that she was really drunk and didn’t fully know what she was doing. She said she’d been texting him since telling him that he needed to tell me what happened or else she was going to.
I asked Becca to show me the texts but they were all in the app Signal which deletes messages after a day, so all I could see was that she and Nate had a chat thread but nothing that they said. I told her to text Nate in front of me so I could see what he said and she did but we got no read receipt and so no response at all so it didn’t prove anything. I asked Becca if she was sure she wasn’t so drunk that she maybe imagined it or thought a dream was real, and she absolutely lost her shit on me and said that she knows that she’s horrible when she drinks but that she’s not fucking delusional and she doesn’t make shit up. She said that I could believe her or not and it’s my choice but she was telling me the truth. I said I needed to go home and talk to Nate.
So when I got home I confronted Nate with what Becca had said, and he acted shocked and denied that anything like that had happened at all and said he didn’t know why she’d think so or say so. He said that he had just given Becca a ride home and the only thing that happened was that they talked about how he and I had been together for a long time and how we should get married already. He admitted they were talking on Signal the next couple of days but he said that it was about exactly what I thought, that he was asking her about engagement rings and what kind of proposal I would want.
Nate replied to Becca’s message from before asking her if she made up a story about them hooking up to not ruin the surprise about his proposal, and she texted him back that there was no proposal and to stop playing dumb. So then Nate called her pretending like I wasn’t in the room and told her that she needed to stop whatever she was trying to do because we were on the verge of breaking up and he’d rather just have the surprise be ruined, but Becca just kept telling Nate to stop lying until he got angry and hung up on her.
I really didn’t know what to think and I still don’t. Right now Nate is really upset and not really talking to me much, he says that it’s bad enough that Becca acted insane and ruined his plan to propose but it’s even worse that I believed her lies even a little and would think that he would ever cheat on me. Becca texted me saying she was sorry but otherwise I haven’t talked to her either.
I don’t want to think that Nate would cheat on me or that he’d take advantage of Becca if she was that drunk, but I feel like I can’t be 100% sure because I’ve known Becca for 13 years and I also just can’t believe that she’d lie to me about something this important. And I know that she does have a drinking problem so I can believe that she’d sleep with my boyfriend if she was drunk out of her head, she’s done some pretty awful things in the past when she’s been drunk. I don’t want to wrongly accuse Nate of something he didn’t do but I don’t want to be an idiot.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Signal doesn't automatically delete messages unless you turn that feature on. Would he have?*
"It's not the automatic default, but if Nate created the chat with Becca and set it for messages to disappear after 24 hours then all of her messages with him will do that without input from her."
*Someone asks what OOP wants help with. Sleuthing ideas, who is more believable, revenge, etc:*
"I think what I initially wanted was just a sounding board for who sounded more believable. But someone gave me the tip that you actually can recover messages from Signal so when I have a chance later tonight I'm going to try to do that to see if I can get some actual proof of what happened.
But so far I haven't talked to anyone else about this though, I really just don't want to spread around what did/didn't happen to the rest of my friends or family without actually knowing for sure."
*What else has Becca done to you while drunk?*
"So in the past when she's been drunk, Becca's blacked out and started fights with me or other people. She'll say really out-of-line insulting things, she's kicked people out of our apartment because she didn't remember inviting them in, she's accused me of stealing clothes from her because I was wearing an outfit that looked like something that she also owned, that kind of thing. She's never hooked up with anyone that I was dating but she's definitely hooked up with guys that she knew I was interested in."
*Who has the greater motivation to lie here: Nate or Becca?*
"Becca did have a big problem with Nate when we first got together, and she was really really upset when I moved out of our apartment to move in with him. I could see her still being angry about it or still not liking him but just not saying anything.
From what Nate said they weren't making the plans on Saturday, but Becca brought up that it's been 7 years and asked why we're not married yet, and then the day after he asked her about rings."
*What is her reason for not liking him?*
"So at the time she was in one of her longest stretches of being sober and she said that I was abandoning her for some guy when she needed my support the most. And then when I moved out, she tried to make it out like she wouldn't be able to stay sober without me living with her, and Nate basically had to step in and point out that she couldn't stay sober anyway so to stop guilting me."
*It's possible she "blames" you for her current drinking and Nate saying he wants to propose triggered her anger for some reason:*
"Everything you say here makes sense to me. Becca has said stuff like this in the past, not specifically about Nate but sometimes when she starts drinking again she acts like it's unfair that I'm not getting dragged down with her or doing more to help her, and I think on some level she might still think it's his fault that I moved out and don't keep as close an eye on her as I did back when we lived together. I don't know if she'd really go as far as to lie about something like this just for that reason, I really hope she wouldn't, but I could completely believe that she feels like this."
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/162apge/update_my_31f_best_friend_32f_is_telling_me_that/)**: August 26, 2023 (2 days later)**
So on Thursday night after I got everyone’s advice, I told Nate that I had found out a way to recover deleted messages from Signal. He immediately took out his phone and opened the app and asked me to show him how to do it, so I already thought that must mean he was telling me the truth because he didn’t panic or hesitate at all. Which was good because when I tried to download Signal on my old phone it turned out that it’s too old to support the current version of the app, so it wouldn’t work.
Nate then asked me if we were going to have to go out and buy a new phone for me to believe that he was telling me the truth, and he said that he was willing to do it if that’s what it would take. I told Nate it wasn’t that I didn’t believe him, I just wanted to have some proof because I just couldn’t understand why Becca would lie about it. Nate said that she would lie about it because she’s a fucking crazy drunk bitch and there’s literally no way for a non-crazy person to understand why she would do anything, and once the messages prove that he didn’t ever want me talking to her again. Then he said to get up because if we were going to go to the Verizon store we had to get there before it closed.
By then I completely believed Nate anyway, so I told him we didn’t have to go anywhere or get a new phone and that I believed him and I knew he didn’t cheat on me and that he would never do that. Nate said that he would hope I know that and that he didn’t understand why I didn’t take his word for it in the first place. I started trying to explain why I didn’t want to just immediately dismiss what Becca had said happened, but Nate said that he really couldn’t listen to that right now. I said that was fair and agreed that I would cut Becca off, but that first I wanted to try to get her to admit that nothing happened. Nate said fine, but to call her with my phone on speaker because he thought he also deserved to hear her admit that she was lying.
So I called Becca and I said the same thing to her that I said to Nate, that I figured out how to recover deleted messages on Signal. She asked me why I would need to do that, so that was when I knew for sure that she was definitely making it up and not just confused somehow. I said it was because I wanted to have proof of what she and Nate talked about. Becca asked me if I saw their messages, so I lied and said yes. After that Becca just went silent until finally I asked her if she was going to say anything. Then she asked me if that meant that we were engaged now.
So then I really just lost it on her and screamed at her asking her if she was fucking serious and what the fuck was wrong with her and how could that possibly be all that she had to say. Becca started screaming back telling me to fucking calm down and about how obviously I never believed her anyway because it’s not like we broke up over it. I was crying by that point and because of that I couldn’t really say anything else, so then Nate told Becca to go fuck herself and to never ever contact either one of us ever again and hung up on her.
A minute later Becca sent me a completely unhinged text that I’m quoting here verbatim (apart from changed names):
“Courtney. You are supposed to be my friend for life. You are supposed to be there for me. You are supposed to be my person. But then you meet Nate and now you only care about Nate. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT NATE. Tell me why NATE comes to pick me up when I call YOU?? I called YOU not your precious fucking NATE. I only want you to see how FUCKED UP this is but do you?? NO. Of course you DON’T. Of course you choose NATE over me like you ALWAYS do and like you ALWAYS will. You PRETEND to care about me but I can see you DON’T care. It is PATHETIC Courtney. You are a PATHETIC woman who would choose a man over a friend. But since you can’t say it yourself I will. Since you have to have your sweet perfect little baby NATE do it for you I will. Goodbye Courtney. Is that what you want?? Goodbye FOREVER. I HOPE YOU FUCKING GOT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT!”
There were the three dots after that showing she was still typing more, but I blocked her before she sent it. I don’t care about anything else that she has to say, I’m sure it’s all just going to be more bullshit about why this is my fault or justifications about why what she did wasn’t that bad and I should forgive her.
I know Nate is probably right and there’s no non-crazy logic behind why Becca would stoop to doing something like this, but obviously I’ve still been thinking about it and my best guess is that whoever said that Becca still blames me and Nate, apparently mostly Nate, for her being a drunk mess who can’t get her life together is right. It seems like she somehow thought that if she said she hooked up with Nate, I’d break up with him but still want to be friends with her and then everything would magically be fixed.
As far as stuff with Nate, I asked him if he thought he could ever forgive me for doubting him and he said that since I came to my senses and I cut Becca off he guesses we can try to put it behind us. I don’t think he’s still going to propose anytime soon, after this I probably wouldn’t if I was him. And from what Nate said he didn’t actually do any planning yet other than asking Becca about rings and if I’d think a public proposal was tacky or not, all he was doing so far was trying to get ideas without me knowing he was talking to her about it. So just based on that I think probably it’s not going to happen for a while if it still does at all.
Also thanks to everyone for the advice and support, I know I didn’t respond to many comments but I really did appreciate everyone who cared enough to want to help.
***Comment from OOP:***
"I'm sure she won't just go away, I'm already expecting her to try to get our other friends to get in the middle of everything as soon as she figures out she's actually blocked and I'm not just ignoring her. I hope she won't try to do anything else but I guess at this point I really can't know with her.
I'm hoping things are okay with Nate, I think in a while they will be." | 6,675 | 2023-09-02T05:06:11 | My (31F) best friend (32F) is telling me that my boyfriend (34M) cheated with her, but he says that she’s lying. How do I get to the truth and then salvage whichever one of these relationships is worth saving? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/167tkhd/my_31f_best_friend_32f_is_telling_me_that_my/ | false | false | [
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16814i8 | I'm not the OP. This was posted by u/Clean-Stable-7973 in r/TrueOffMyChest
**Original [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/va7hu2/tomorrow_im_going_to_ruin_his_life/)**: 11 Jun 2022
I have been with him for 3 years now. We planned on getting married when our lives settle down. I wanted to start a family with him, I loved him more than anyone else in this world. I've sacrificed so much for him, moved away from my home, turned down jobs so I could stay with him, and stood by his side as he started to go back to school. I gave him my world.
And he cheats on me.
I found out over a month ago. The scumbag got cocky, and I found out he was cheating on me, with 2 different women. One is a TA at his university, the other his best friend's girlfriend. I am livid. I write this post choking back venom. I loved him so much. He was my world, but now he will be the world I burn to nothing but ash.
I pay for everything since he quit his job last year to go to school. I was more than happy to help him, I make enough to support us both. The only upside is the student loans are in his name with no connection to me. It will hurt to push the scumbag out to sea, but I will survive.
I have held out for a month, enough time to create what I call "The day his world burns" Tomorrow we are hosting a party. I arranged for his family to come, but my family will sadly not be able to make it. I have packed everything valuable already, and the suitcase is in the back of my car. My brother will come during the event tomorrow, to take the car that is in my name that the dirtbag drives to my parent's house. The joint account, which is all my money anyway, is already empty.
The event will be great, and he thinks it's for us to announce our engagement to his family. What will happen in reality is I will announce my departure from his life. I have already taken a job out of state, and have lined up a new place to live. I will start by telling everyone what he is into. The screenshots of him asking his friend's girlfriend to piss on him, and the many other fantasies his degenerate mind came up with will be passed around. I will hand him the notice to vacate, as I have already broken our lease. We need to be out by the end of the month. I will then end off by informing him I have already reported he was sleeping with the TA for one of his classes the previous semester to the university and that I am sad I won't see the fallout from that. His friend also has a message for him that I will deliver, informing him that his friend group never wants to see him again as well.
And with that, I will leave. I will not look back. I will set his life on fire and walk away.
**Update [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Clean-Stable-7973/comments/vbhh42/yesterday_i_was_supposed_to_ruin_his_life_repost/)**: 13 Jun 2022
They say that hubris is the downfall of man.
Yesterday, I planned to ruin his life in front of his entire family. I worked for a month to create the scenario that would cut him the deepest. I had patiently waited for the chance to storm out of his world in a blaze of glory.
And then I hit the front page of Reddit.
I realized I had fucked up when he was not answering my texts and had not shown up hours after he told me he would be home. I had hoped it was a happy accident, literally a car killing him before I had the chance. But no. I don't know how many men in the world are currently cheating on their soon-to-be fiance with their best friend's girlfriend and a TA. However, the one who mattered in my plan found my Reddit post. I called his mother and found out that he had run home to his parents. He told them we had a fight and that we were probably through.
I was, and still am livid at myself.
His mother asked me what had happened as he left out a few details. So I decided to tell her that he was cheating on me with a TA and his friend's girlfriend. I soon heard shouting, before she hung up. I texted my ex that he had until morning to return my fuckng car before I reported it stolen and sent the screenshots of all his texts to his parents and siblings.
My car was sitting in my driveway when I woke up.
I contemplated sending the screenshots anyway, but his mother sent me a heartfelt text yesterday apologizing for her son's actions, and I feel they deserve to be spared from his degenerate actions.
I and my father will be moving all my stuff today, and I won't be coming back after that.
I know you'll be reading this you cheating fuck. You're a cowardly piece of shit. Just know I am not above sending out all the screenshots if you ever dare to come back into my life.
Oh, and your ex-friends all know about your piss and scat fetish. I can't control what they do with that information so good luck with that.
Edit: this was previously shared on this sub [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vbk4od/im_going_to_ruin_his_life_before_vs_after/?share_id=vl7j-D8OVAjO9CZbxyv0q) | 10,208 | 2023-09-02T12:22:17 | Tomorrow, I'm going to ruin his life | REPOST | rishcast | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16814i8/tomorrow_im_going_to_ruin_his_life/ | false | false | [
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1687urd | **I am not the original poster. Original post by** u/AITA_throwing **in** r/AmItheAsshole.
*Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!*
trigger warnings: >!Ableism!<
mood spoilers: >!Frustration, best possible ending for OOP & her daughter!<
---
###[**AITA for Trying to Send my Deaf Daughter to a School that Won't Hire an Interpreter?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/knc4yb/aita_for_trying_to_send_my_deaf_daughter_to_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
*Wed, Dec 30, 2020*
*Original post was deleted, so the date for this post is the reupload date*
So my(34F) daughter (6F) is deaf. We adopted her 3 years ago from China. When she first came home we tried to teach her both sign and speech but it was clear ASL was the best form of communication for her.
We hadn't put her in pre-school because she didn't have much communication but she started kindergarten this year. There is a private school that all my other kids and my sisters kids go to. She had to take a test to get in and passed but they said that because there was a deaf school within an hour of where we live they wouldn't provide any accommodations.
So either we have to pay for an interpreter or send her to the deaf school. But the deaf school we live near is only for children with hearing aids and CI's and teaches speech and has actually banned sign language. I think speech can definitely help deaf children but it depends on the individual child. Some speak, some sign, some do both. But my daughter communicates best with sign language which is why we don't want to send her there.
Since this is a private school I don't think they have to follow the disability guidelines that public schools do. Currently my daughters doing online school at the local public school(Who have provided an interpreter) but the education there is horrible. I sent my oldest son there in kindergarten and first grade and he never learned anything(I' aware that you don't learn much in kindergarten and first grade but they didn't even teach them how to read, I had to do that myself)
Another reason I want to send her to the private school is because from pre-k and up the kids can choose to learn ASL, Spanish or French so she may be able to communicate with some other kids there. She has had a few playdates with other kids in the area who go there and took ASL and they were able to communicate pretty well whereas in the public school she would be completely isolated and only able to communicate with the interpreter.
I have been constantly emailing with this private school trying to see if there is any other way to get my daughter in without having to pay for the interpreter myself. My brother thinks that if the school doesn't want her why should I keep pushing for her to get in. But I just want to best education possible for my daughter and I want my daughter to be able to be social and make friends. AITA? Should I just let it go and keep her in public school or should I keep trying to get my daughter into this school?
***Judgement: Not the A-hole***
###[**UPDATE: AITA for Trying to Send my Deaf Daughter to a School that Won't Hire an Interpreter?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l4ndlk/update_aita_for_trying_to_send_my_deaf_daughter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
*Mon, Jan 25, 2021*
Thank you all for your advice on my last post. I wasn't aware of all the laws about this kinda thing. For those of you who didn't read the OP basically my 6YO daughter is deaf and communicates using ASL. There is a public school near us but it's very bad and the whole district has a rating of 1.5/5 stars. All of our other children go to a private school near us. But the private school said they wouldn't pay for an interpreter because there is a deaf school in our county, but the deaf school only teaches speech and no sign language so we decided not to send her there. We also wanted her to go to the private school because there was a language option for ASL so she may be able to communicate with other classmates. But my brother said that we shouldn't push trying to get her in, if the school doesn't want her we should just give up.
Most people said to hire a lawyer. My husband decided to contact his brother who is a disability lawyer, although he specializes in wheelchair accessibility he was willing to take our case. We discussed the situation over the phone with him and then he reached out to the private school.
He emailed back and forth with the school. We're not sure what was said exactly but by the end of it, not only did the school agree to pay for the interpreter but they also provided a free scholarship and let us request which teacher she had which they didn't let us do for any of our other kids. There is a kindergarten teacher who knows some ASL so we chose to be in her class. I'm not sure exactly why they did this but I think it's probably because denying entry to a kindergartener just because she's deaf would not look so good if other people found out. But I'm not complaining.
She started 2 weeks ago and she loves it(They are doing hybrid) she is able to make friends and talk to other kids(Though in kinda broken sign language). Her interpreter is very nice and will update us on how she did everyday unlike the interpreter she had when she was in public school. Her teacher also tried to sign when she's speaking as much as possible and so do some of the kids. Overall I'm so happy this happened and I wouldn't have known there was anything I could do about it until I asked on here, so thank all of you who replied to the OP and told me they do have to provide an interpreter for her.
**EDIT:** My pronouns are She/Her, I'm not sure why everyone's referring to me as a male but just wanted to let you all know.
**EDIT 2:** To everyone concerned as to why my BIL is a disability lawyer but I came to reddit first: We barely talk to BIL. He's my husbands half-brother and there is a 16 year age gap so they aren't close. And at the time when I first posted I didn't think I could do anything legally so I didn't even think of talking to my BIL. I was just concerned if I was being too pushy which is why I came to this sub rather than legal advice. Hope that clears some things up.
**Reminder - I am NOT the Original Poster!** | 4,165 | 2023-09-02T17:07:24 | AITA for Trying to Send my Deaf Daughter to a School that Won't Hire an Interpreter? | CONCLUDED | ParadoxicalState | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1687urd/aita_for_trying_to_send_my_deaf_daughter_to_a/ | false | false | [
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16885dd | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/ThrowRAbabydaddyhelp **in** r/relationship_advice
Previous BORU is [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15padwu/i_lied_about_who_my_baby_daddy_is_do_i_tell_him/)
*I've removed the comments from the original BORU to fit into the character limit.*
**\*\*New update is from 26th August 2023\*\***
trigger warnings: >!child abandonment!<
mood spoilers: >!postive for the future!<
[**I (26F) lied about who my baby daddy (26M) is. Do I tell him the truth now?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15db7uh/i_26f_lied_about_who_my_baby_daddy_26m_is_do_i/) **- 30th July 2023**
I (26F) grew up in the midwest but went to college in California. There I met and dated Jeff (26M) for our final two years of undergraduate. After graduation I stayed in California to get my master’s degree while Jeff entered the workforce. We were happy together and we planned to get married after I got my master’s.
After I finished my schooling Jeff got cold feet about getting married and eventually becoming a father (abandonment issues from his bio dad leaving) so he broke up with me. Heartbroken feels like it would barely scratch the surface on how I felt. I had a great job in California so I stayed in hopes that Jeff would come to his senses and we’d get back together. We never did.
He met Grace (25F) and started dating her about 5 months after we broke up. I started planning on moving back to my home state once I realized it was actually over. Then he and Grace broke up at the beginning of this year. Jeff and I ended up sleeping together a few times while they were broken up (it was a very public breakup, no cheating involved). About a week after the last time we had sex he told me that he and Grace were getting back together. He said he couldn’t remain friends with me because he still had feelings for me and he had to let them fade to be fair to Grace. His final words to me were to not call him unless I was literally dying and just wanting to say goodbye.
I left California behind three weeks later. Two weeks after I had returned home I found out that I was pregnant. It’s Jeff’s. I wasn’t gonna be that girl that uses a pregnancy to get a man back so I deleted all my social media accounts and made new ones that don’t have my name attached to them. The only Cali people I added were trusted friends who I knew either had no connection to Jeff or who were loyal to me and wouldn’t tell him my new accounts.Early in my pregnancy I made the mistake of checking out Jeff and Grace’s respective profiles and saw that they refer to each other as “loml” and Jeff even had a picture of them captioned saying he was gonna marry that girl. That broke me all over again and I have since blocked them both and decided I had to move on with my life.
I’m now 6.5 months pregnant. Since moving back I have bought my own house in my home state and have been busy building a nursery for my baby. I already love this little baby in my belly and I feel 100% confident that I can raise and provide for him on my own with minor help from my family.One of my best friends back in California was having an engagement party. I won’t be able to attend the wedding as I’ll be busy with a newborn when it happens so I decided to fly out to see my friends and offer my congratulations to the couple before my life becomes baby-centric.I got into town on Thursday and honestly had a blast seeing all my friends yesterday even though it’s only been about 6 months since I last saw them. They were all respectful of my wishes not to take pictures of me below the chest. They did post some pictures of me online but from the angles it just looks like I gained some weight in my face. Nothing that would give away my pregnancy.
It’s a couple days before my flight back home and the friend that I’m staying with suggested we go to the store because she wanted to get a scrapbook for our engaged friend. So we went to the store and as we were getting ready to leave I saw Jeff’s cousin Tanya (22ish?F) walk in. I’d talked to her several times at Jeff’s family gatherings over the years but we never really got along. She was always a bit too gossipy for me to like her. So of course she was the last person I wanted to see.
The first thing she did was loudly announce that I was pregnant as if everyone in the store couldn’t tell just by looking at me. Then she starts grilling me asking if Jeff knows. I said no and that he doesn’t need to know as it’s not his. That was a lie, obviously, but I didn’t want to open a can of worms. Tanya then tells me with how big my belly is that I’m far along and asked how could I move on so quickly. I told her that Jeff and I broke up a long time ago. She responded saying that everyone knows we were still hooking up at the beginning of this year. I did not know that was common knowledge. I figured Jeff would’ve kept his mouth shut about that.
Anyway I lied and told her that I already had a new boyfriend and that I was 5 months pregnant. She seemed to accept that and awkwardly congratulated me. My friend and I paid for her stuff and left immediately after that. I prayed that would be the end of it.
Like I said, Tanya is a gossip so of course she went and ran her mouth about seeing me pregnant just a few hours later. Now a bunch of my friends have messaged me saying that Jeff is blowing up their inboxes trying to reach me. None of them have told him my new number or social media so he has no way of reaching me himself. My flight back home isn’t for another two days and I’m freaking out.
Some of my friends are saying that I should just tell him the truth now that he knows I’m pregnant. I still say I can get by pretending it’s someone else’s and that I’m not far enough along for it to be his. I honestly just want to ignore him and go back home. However I’m having some doubts that that's the right choice and there isn’t a consensus on what to do so I’m turning to internet strangers.
TLDR; I got pregnant by my ex. Moved away, planning to raise the child myself. His cousin saw me and told him I'm pregnant. Now he's trying to get ahold of me and I just wanna go home and ignore him. Should I tell him the truth or just go home?
[**Update** ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15goiux/update_i_26f_lied_about_who_my_baby_daddy_26m_is/)**1 - 2nd August 2023**
Hi everyone. So the consensus on my post was to tell Jeff about the baby being his. Even from just the first few comments that seemed clear. We did end up meeting up. It wasn't particularly interesting or dramatic but if anyone cares, here's what happened: He got ahold of the friend I was staying with on Instagram. I wanted to just talk to him on the phone but he insisted we talk in person asap.
In retrospect I should’ve just waited until the next day but I kind of just wanted to get it over with and it seemed like he did too. Tbh I thought he was gonna tell me that he wanted nothing to do with the kid because I didn’t see any other reason why he wanted to talk in person right that second. Keep in mind it was almost 10 at night at the time.
So my friend and I went to his parents’ house where he was waiting. His parents always treated me like family so I guess I felt comfortable being there even though we probably should've met at a neutral location. When we got there Jeff’s mom answered the door. She hugged me and I could tell she wanted to touch my stomach but she restrained herself and didn’t even ask, thankfully. I always liked her. We made awkward small talk as she led me to the living room. It was clear that they had just had a party as it was still messy with a bunch of drinking cups lying around and confetti on the floor. On the couch was Jeff and Grace holding each other’s hands. I was surprised that I honestly felt nothing for him at first. His stepdad offered me a seat but I chose to stand. I wasn't planning on being there long anyway.
Jeff started off saying that I might be able to fool Tanya but he knows there’s no way I would’ve ever met a new guy and gotten pregnant that fast. So he asked why I didn’t tell him. I told him the truth, that the last time we spoke he told me not to contact him unless I was literally dying...and I’m not dying. He told me that he was trying to be respectful to Grace and that obviously this would’ve been an exception.
Grace chimed in to tell me that I ruined her proposal. I found out later (third hand info but knowing Tanya I believe it) that the party at his parents house was for him to propose to Grace in front of all their friends and families. Tanya waited until after the proposal and when people were giving speeches she told Jeff she was so glad he got away from me and wasn’t gonna be stuck raising my baby. Then all hell broke loose at the party apparently. I had no idea that happened at the time or I honestly would not have went to see him at all. But hearing that he proposed was when it hurt. He broke up with me cause he was scared of marriage and kids but he dated her not even half as long as we did and she got a ring. I put on a brave face, or at least I think I did, and acted like it didn’t bother me but it absolutely did.
His mom told Grace that it’s not my fault and now wasn’t the time for that. Then Jeff told me that “obviously I can’t move now.” I told him that I already did and I was only in California for the weekend. He countered saying that I have to move back. I told him no, I’m not doing that. He said well I can’t just leave. At that point I got frustrated and told him that I left months ago. My job is in my home state. I bought a house. All my doctor’s appointments have been there. I established residency there a long time ago. California isn’t my home anymore and hasn’t been for half a year now.
So then he got frustrated and got up to approach me asking if he’s just supposed to send a paycheck once a month and saying this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I don’t really know what he meant by that second part cause he just found out I was pregnant a few hours before, but I assumed he was taking about his life plans? I forced myself to calm down and try to be empathetic. I told him that if he was worried about this screwing up his plans for the future that he had nothing to worry about. I don’t want or need anything from him. I’ve planned everything out from finances to childcare when I return to work to even setting up my baby’s college fund. It’s all taken care of already.
He didn’t really say anything. I didn’t know if he was thinking or just relieved that I had it all handled. I told him he can still get married to Grace and have his own family someday. I promised I wouldn’t bother or blame him for anything. My baby will be loved and cared for. Jeff got teary eyed and told me that I know how he feels about this. He was referring to when he broke up with me and said that he didn’t wanna be a dad because he didn’t think he’d be a good one. He also has abandonment issues from his bio dad walking out on him, his siblings, and his mom when he was 6.
I told Jeff that he’s not him (his bio dad). That he’s better than him and always will be. His mom started crying at this point I guess from seeing how his dad’s abandonment still affects him to this day. I promised Jeff that I wouldn’t let my baby think that Jeff was a deadbeat. I’d be honest that we just weren’t meant to be together and we live thousands of miles apart. He told me that he can’t just not be in his kid’s life and that I don’t understand what it could do to them.
He asked if we could please just figure something out together. I asked him what did he realistically expect would be a solution. Because I’m not moving back to California and I highly doubt he and Grace wanted to pack their bags and move that far away from their own families and friends. I said I’m not gonna be sending my kid on a plane every few months either because that’s too much. Jeff didn’t say anything to that so I told him maybe that could be an option when he’s older and has more independence but right now it’s not happening.
Jeff’s eyes lit up and he asked, “It’s a boy?” I’d been careful not to reveal the gender up until then but I messed up there. I nodded and he nervously asked if he could feel the baby. Before I could even respond Grace let out this loud wail and stormed off to the kitchen. Jeff apologized to me and then went to go comfort her. His mom excused herself as well as she was still crying. So she left and her husband followed her.
That left me and my friend awkwardly standing alone in the living room. All we hear is his mom sniffling in the hallway and Grace sobbing while talking to Jeff in the kitchen. It was so incredibly uncomfortable. And I know many will hate me for this but I just felt overwhelmed by the whole thing. Maybe it makes me pathetic but having to stand in the room where a party was just held to celebrate Jeff proposing to another woman hurt so damn bad. So I left. I told my friend let’s get the hell out of here and we quietly walked out.
We ended up staying in a hotel and I was able to get an earlier flight home on Sunday. Now I’m back home and putting my focus back on the nursery. I told my friends that I had talked to Jeff and I apologized if he still tried to reach me through them. I advised them to block him if it’s too much.
I know this isn’t the end of things. I’m planning on reaching out to him again eventually. Even if he broke my heart I still care about him and I won’t deny him a relationship with his kid if that’s what he really wants. I have no idea how it’s gonna work and I’m only allowed to update once so I apologize that I won’t be able to tell anyone who cares how it all turns out. Thank you for the advice on my last post. Even though everyone was downvoting me and the post itself it was nice to get opinions without bias.
[**Update 2**](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAbabydaddyhelp/comments/15qe8gn/update_2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **- 13th August 2023**
First, I’ve seen a lot of comments saying that Jeff proposed to Grace within a few months after they started dating. That’s not true. Aside from the one month break up where Jeff and I conceived the baby they were together roughly a year and a half before the engagement (assuming they had no more break ups after. Idk their full history nor do I care to).
Second, I feel like people were being a bit harsh on Jeff. I can honestly say he is not an abusive or controlling person. The man never so much as raised his voice at me in the four years we dated. He was a bit overbearing by demanding that I had to stay in California because that’s where he is, but he just found out about the baby and was panicking that I'd disappear and he wouldn't be able to contact me. Which to be fair, that's exactly what I did so I get it. I had a million thoughts, some wildly ridiculous when I think about it now, running through my own head when I found out too.
Third, he wasn’t juggling Grace and I at the same time like people think. She broke up with him; they both thought for good at the time. He and I started having sex again but it wasn’t like we were in a sequel of the lovey dovey honeymoon phase. It was a weird and confusing time. We weren’t talking about getting back together. I already had a start date for my new job back home and my move was scheduled (he didn’t know any of that). I was still in love with him of course and I hoped he’d tell me he wanted to get back together and I would've stayed but he didn’t. Finding out he was getting back with Grace hurt but I can’t say I felt used for sex. I don’t think either of us knew what the hell we were doing by sleeping together again in the first place.
Jeff is a simple man overall. I promise he’s not some supervillain taking advantage of women and playing with their emotions. I'm not making excuses for him. I wish it were that easy to say that he's a dirtbag and you should give me all your sympathy. In reality I know who Jeff is as a person, anyone who read my posts knows him as just a collection of bad and/or questionable choices he made. If you summarize anyone up to just the bad shit they've done of course they'd come off as an unlikable person. Jeff's not evil or manipulative. He's just got some stuff he probably should’ve worked through years ago and admittedly I never thought his issues were that prevalent until we broke up. Plus I’m positive that Grace knew we slept together while they were broken up. There’s no way that was a shock to her. He would’ve told her himself and even if he somehow hadn’t, if Tanya knew then everyone else knew shortly after. Guaranteed.
Lastly, I appreciate everyone concerned about any custody issues that may arise from this. I was also amused by the people who were hyping themselves up thinking that I was delusional and actually gonna be forced to put my baby on a plane by court order. I’m not sure why so many people on Reddit are used to dysfunctional relationships where judges and a huge custody battle need to be involved, but that’s not us. Jeff and I were together and very much in love for years. It might be hard to picture that when you’ve only read about the shitty end of our relationship but everything before the break up was an ideal relationship which is exactly why it hurt me so much when he ended it. Things are weird now but we don’t hate each other. Our default option, even in a complicated situation like this, is not “We’re taking this to court!” That would be the last resort. I’m sure we’ll work it out between ourselves long before it ever gets there.
So on to the actual update...
I planned on contacting Jeff after a couple weeks. I wanted to take time to gather my own thoughts and figure out what I wanted to say. Instead, I got phone calls from his number about a week after I returned home. He left a voicemail asking me to call him so we could talk. I was honestly furious because there’s no way he should’ve been able to find my number unless somebody told him. It might not seem like it’s a big deal but to me I saw it as there being somebody who betrayed my trust in them.
I texted him asking how he got my number. He said it wasn’t important and that he wanted to talk. I said it is important to me but he still didn’t wanna tell me. I told him we can talk when he tells me who he got my number from. So finally he told me who it was and sent a screenshot of the conversation when I asked for proof. It was the second least likely friend I would have expected to break my trust. That’s a whole other story though.
So we talked over FaceTime and he told me that he absolutely wants to be in our son’s life. He doesn’t know how it’s gonna work long term and neither do I. There was no threat of lawyers or his mom shouting “grandparent’s rights” in the background like people were expecting. We’re adults and we’ll figure it out. The situation is not any easier to handle logistically, but emotions from that night have died down and we have clearer heads to move forward with. He did however have the audacity to tell me that he hates that I didn't tell him much sooner and that I wasn't planning to tell him at all until Tanya found out because he "thought we meant more to each other than that." I told him I thought we did to until he told me not to contact him unless I was dying. That shut him up quickly because he knows now that it was an extreme and unnecessary thing to say even if he wanted to cut contact with me. He's apologized for it and I apologized for not telling him about the baby myself. That's all we can really do. We're about to co-parent a child together so we don't get the luxury of holding a grudge with one another over past slights.
He also told me that he and Grace are no longer together. He claims that it was a mutual decision but that sounds too easy to me. How do you go from newly engaged to broken up in 18 hours with it being a completely clean process? I’m guessing he’s just sparing me the ugly details on what must have actually happened. I do feel bad for Grace. Other than incorrectly assigning blame for her ruined engagement party she didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know her personally but her proposal night should’ve been one of the best nights of her life and it was ruined. I wouldn’t want that for any woman.
And because I know what everyone is gonna say, no I am not seeing this as an opportunity to get back together with Jeff. Honestly my focus is on my son right now. I’m not thinking about jumping into a relationship with anyone, much less the man who broke my heart once already. I think Jeff and I need to figure out how we’re gonna co-parent first and foremost. And tbh I want a man who loves me and chooses me for the person that I am, not because I happen to have given birth to his child. Plus I don't know that I could ever get over that he proposed to Grace over me.
Even if they broke off their engagement I still wanna know *why* she got a ring and I didn't. And I am going to ask eventually, but I don't think any answer will ever make it okay to me. A lot of people said it wasn't that he didn't want marriage, he just didn't want it with me. I find that hard to believe because as I said above we really had an ideal relationship. Our breakup wasn't a buildup of issues. It really was as simple as "You want marriage and kids, I don't" which I think most would agree is just the natural end of a relationship. If it really is as simple as I just wasn't the one then I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me that himself. Jeff is a terrible liar even when he's lying for a good reason like a special surprise. He fidgets his fingers and can't maintain eye contact when he's lying. So if he looks me in the eyes and tells me his reason for why he chose to marry her and not me, I'll know if he's being honest.
Jeff also told me that his mom wanted to send me stuff for the baby so he asked for my address. I declined. I’m positive that there are no nefarious reasons and she’s just excited and wants to help. This will be her first grandchild. However I still felt a little uncomfortable giving them my home address.
He’s been texting me every day and calls me every night to say goodnight. Sometimes he wants to “talk” to the baby. It’s a bit confusing for me because he broke up with me because he didn’t want a kid but now he wants to be involved to the point where he’s going out of his way to contact me and ask if I need anything. It’s strange and I don’t really understand how his brain works but like I said in my last post I won’t deny him a relationship with his kid if he wants one.
Jeff wants to visit me in person to talk properly, but I told him I’m not sure if that’s necessary right now. He asked to come last weekend and I said no. Then he asked again about possibly coming this weekend but I told him I can’t because I’m having my baby shower on Saturday. He wants to come. I’m not sure if that’s a great idea. I’m not worried that he would say or do anything bad and we're getting along over text/vc. I can tell that he just wants to be involved but part of me feels like it’s sort of... idk “playing house” almost? I guess it wouldn’t be a big deal if I made it clear he would be here as a friend and the father of the baby but not as anything more.
My parents don’t think it’s a good idea but I know that’s just because they don’t like Jeff ever since he broke up with me. My sister who is more level-headed says that it could be a show of good faith that I’m serious about having a healthy co-parenting relationship and it’ll probably be easier to build that foundation now before the baby comes. My brothers don’t care either way but they say they’re ready to beat up Jeff if he does or says anything stupid. (He won’t, but I love my brothers for always looking out for me) I’m not sure what I’m going to decide but I know Jeff needs an answer soon so he can book a flight and a hotel room if I do say yes. I’m open to suggestions.
**\*\*New Update\*\***
[**Update 3**](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRAbabydaddyhelp/comments/1624wtt/update_3/) **- 26th August 2023**
Hi everyone. I’ve been requested to give an update on the baby shower and whether or not I let Jeff attend. This post is rather lengthy as it covers a whole weekend so I’m including a TLDR at the bottom. So I did end up allowing Jeff to come to my baby shower. When he called me the Monday night before my Saturday baby shower I brought it up. I told him he could come if he agreed to three rules.
1. *We are not together. Don’t touch me, hug me or put your hands on my stomach unless I say it’s ok.*
2. *I agreed that we needed to have a serious talk. However it only takes place after the baby shower. Idc if there’s an awkward vibe because we have things we wanna get out. We ignore it until after the baby shower.*
3. *You stay in a hotel. I wasn't housing anyone. I needed my home to be my own place to return to if things got too overwhelming.*
Unsurprisingly he was fine with all of those conditions and was just happy that he could come. I also told him he was free to invite his mother if she wanted to attend. He was relieved because she did mention wanting to come with him if he came. Everything was settled until the next day when he called to ask me if his brother and sister could come too. His stepdad had a prior commitment and wouldn’t be able to attend. I shouldn’t have been surprised Jeff asked about his siblings though. His family is really close-knit. They show up for each other in everything.
I’ve never had any issues with anyone in his family. I always got along with his parents and siblings, especially his sister. I said it was fine. I didn’t really care as long as they understood that I was the guest of honor at my baby shower and not a hostess so I wouldn’t be checking in with them the entire time. His sister also messaged me privately to ask if I was really okay with them all coming and that she and their younger brother could stay home if I didn’t want them all there. It was totally unnecessary because I already said yes but I really appreciated that she did that.
Their flight got in on Friday afternoon. My parents decided to host a dinner for Jeff’s family. They don’t like Jeff anymore but they felt that since he and I are now tied together for the next 18 years minimum our families should be acquainted at least.
When they got to my parents’ house the greetings were as awkward as expected. Jeff leaned down to my stomach and said hi to the baby. The baby kicked and when I told Jeff he got excited so I offered to let him feel. I figured he should be able to have that moment. His mom was ecstatic that the baby was kicking, saying that he already knows his daddy’s voice. She was so happy that I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the baby had already been kicking for the past half hour before they got there.
Dinner was fine. It was mostly talk about the baby shower. But we did also go around the table and everyone suggested names. I have to admit I’m a bit bummed about the naming. I was happy that I had sole decision power when it was just me, but now I have to get Jeff’s approval too which sucks. Some of the names he suggested were awful tbh.
The day of the baby shower was long but it went perfectly. Luckily Tanya was over 2k miles away so she couldn’t ruin the event. It was relatively big as my family has always done co-ed baby showers. We even had some games specifically for the men in attendance. I felt a little bit bad about Jeff just being a guest so we tried to include him last minute by letting him give the guys the rules for the bottle chugging game (it was tea, not beer of course) and we added a last minute best dad joke competition that he got to decide the winner on.
We did also take some pictures together. As I said in my last post I didn’t wanna play house with him but honestly I was having such a great time that I didn’t even mind that both sides of the family suggested pictures. More importantly he asked for my consent before putting his arm around me and touching my stomach for the pictures which was such a relief that he was respecting the boundaries I gave him before he came.
After the baby shower ended I invited Jeff’s family to my house. I mentioned not wanting to give my address to him in my last post. Some people misunderstood that as me trying to stay hidden forever. Obviously he was going to know my address once the baby came. I think what those people failed to realize is that it was all happening so fast. Jeff got my number one day and the next day he was asking for my address on his mom’s behalf to send baby stuff. It was a lot and far too soon. But since everything was going great I didn’t mind so much inviting them to see my house.
His mom cried when she saw the nursery. Then I started crying with her cause I’m a hormonal mess some days. The nursery is basically finished. I had just bought a different shade of blue paint because I didn’t like the one I initially chose after looking at it for a couple weeks. I was planning on it being repainted the next week but Jeff and his brother offered to do it while they were there. I said no obviously because they were guests. My dad chimed in to say to let him (Jeff) do it because it’s about time he stepped up to help. Obviously my dad knows that Jeff just found out about the baby recently and I reminded him of that. But my parents were the ones who comforted me every time I cried when I first moved back home and again when I found out I was pregnant. It’s gonna take a while for them to warm up to Jeff again.
So Jeff and his brother painted a first coat with my dad while I talked to Jeff’s sister outside. I asked her about Grace but she wouldn’t tell me what happened. She told me that was a conversation between me and Jeff. She did tell me that her whole family tried to talk Jeff out of proposing because it was too fast, but he insisted so they supported him. The only other thing she said was that Tanya has been banned from her family’s events for the foreseeable future and their families aren’t on good terms as Tanya’s parents don't think what she did was a big deal.
After the guys finished painting everyone except my sister and Jeff left. Jeff and I decided to talk that night. My sister was in the living room in case it didn’t go well and I needed emotional support after Jeff left. He and I talked in my bedroom. My feet were killing me and I needed to lie down. So I did that and Jeff sat on the other end of the bed.
Neither of us knew how to start so I just asked him point blank why he changed his mind about kids. I reminded him that he broke up with me because he didn’t want marriage or kids. He said that it’s true that he didn’t want kids and that he’s still afraid he’ll screw it up somehow but that the baby already exists and so he already loves him and wants to be present for him.
I then asked about Grace. I wanted to know why he proposed to her and not me. It’s not relevant now but I’m still human and I wanted to know, what was different about her? He told me that he was never scared of marriage. He meant it when we discussed plans about marriage after I was done with school. He wanted to be married to me. It was just the kids part that he couldn’t do. He says that he just added marriage into his reasoning for our breakup because he felt like it would be easier for me to accept. In his head I might’ve been able to overlook the kids thing at least for a few years but he knew if he said he didn’t want marriage either then I wouldn’t stay. Idk why he didn’t just talk to me about it. Instead he broke my heart because he thought he was setting me free.
As for why he proposed to Grace? She was on the same page as him regarding children. She didn’t want them. He said he talked to her about getting a vasectomy and she was on board with his decision. He admitted that they moved too fast. She was pressuring him to propose to her and she wanted the big party so the proposal wasn’t a surprise event. Everyone knew what it was gonna be, including Grace as she practically planned the thing herself. All of his family tried to talk him out of it and wait a bit longer but he was afraid that he would lose another woman and didn’t want to make the same mistake again (his words, not mine).
I asked why they broke up because I didn’t believe him that it was a clean, mutual decision. He said it was mutual but a bit messy. Apparently he and Grace talked that next day after everything went down. She told him that I ran away and to just let me go. She said she was willing to reconsider kids if he realized that he changed his mind but that she didn’t want to be a stepmom to my child. She basically gave him an ultimatum; he could choose either her or the baby but not both. He asked her for the ring back right then and there. Apparently she threw it at him along with a few other heavier objects. He says they’re fully done.
He tried to do the sweet talk thing, telling me that he’s glad it was me and not her that got pregnant. He says I saved him from making a huge mistake in marrying her. He regrets everything and wishes that he could re-do the last two years and never break up with me. Then he asked if I could ever see us getting back together. I got frustrated at that point and told him that he can’t just keep jumping back and forth between us. He tried to defend himself and while I agree that I don’t think he does it with ill intent, it is what he’s doing. I told him that he keeps letting his fear make hasty decisions for him and he needs to work on that with a therapist. I’m about to raise a baby. I don’t need to be raising a man too.
He did agree to go to therapy to work on his issues. Whether he actually does it or not, I don’t know. I did make it clear that he needs to go into it understanding that it’s for his and our son’s benefit, and not just to win me back because that’s not my focus at all right now.
That was pretty much it for our talk. At some point he ended up laying down beside me so we were facing each other. There was no touching, we just talked while laying beside each other. I got sleepy and he left in an Uber back to his hotel.
They were supposed to leave on Sunday but their flight back home was delayed by a day due to the weather in California. So the next morning they all came over and Jeff and his brother finished the second coat of paint on the nursery. It came out perfectly. I’m really glad I went with the second color choice. I made the guys lunch as a thank you for their work even though they were both happy to do it for their son and nephew.
Jeff told me that he’s planning on moving to my home state within the next month because he wants to be here for the baby’s birth. His job does offer remote work so he could do it without having to find a new job. As of now he says it would be temporary but admitted that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to leave once the baby is here. We’ll see what happens.
They left the next day while I was at work. Jeff stopped by my work to say goodbye in person. My coworkers all melted when they saw him say bye to the baby and promise him that he’d be back soon. They all think I should give him another chance for the baby’s sake. Although I suspect that most of them are also easily swayed by the fact that Jeff is 6’3 and conventionally attractive, which they were constantly bringing up at my baby shower and when he came to say bye.
Jeff and his family made it back home safe. I haven’t heard much else about his plans to move here but I imagine that will take a while anyway.
**TLDR: Jeff and his family came to my baby shower. Everything went fine. I got the answers that I wanted about why he proposed to Grace and why he changed his mind about being a dad. He’s agreed to get therapy for his issues. We’re moving forward with our co-parenting plan and he’s likely going to be moving here, at least temporarily, when the baby is born.**
**Comments**
*Just as an FYI you still technically have sole naming power. If you don’t want to exercise that right in order to keep the peace/ be nice that’s up to you, but you don’t have to. Honestly it sounds like Jeff will go along with any name you like at this point just to keep you happy. I’m glad things are working out for you. Jeff’s family sounds amazing.*
>I see what you're saying but I believe in choosing my battles. If my options are find a name we're both happy with or risk bottled resentment from Jeff over me making a unilateral decision (because you're right, he would agree to me picking what I want just to keep the peace) I'm going with the first option. There are much more important things to hold my ground on regarding my child's future.
>
>I've seen people commenting on the surname too. Where I live the kid almost always takes the dad's last name with few exceptions. Even my parents are expecting the baby to have Jeff's surname now that he's involved. While I wouldn't give any woman grief for wanting to pass her name on, it's not important to me. I know he's mine and that's all I need. Also I've got three brothers so the odds are extremely likely that our family name will be passed on through them anyway.
​
*I’m so happy for you. You indeed saved Jeff from marrying Grace who seemed to be overbearing and domineering. I hope you and Jeff will co-parent peacefully. If you decide to give him a second chance, make him grovel. I bet his family are happy that Grace is gone, she sounds like a high-maintenance woman. Planning her own big engagement party after pressuring the guy to propose, wow..*
>Nobody said it directly but I was definitely getting vibes that his family didn't like her very much. I don't know her personally but she sounds a bit immature. Throwing things at someone during a break up is just not okay.
​
*So Grace manipulated everything then. He was going to get married to the wrong person and regret it years later.*
>I don't know if she manipulated him but she definitely pressured him. He said that she told him she didn't want to waste her twenties on him if he wasn't serious about getting married eventually.
>He didn't tell me this but I'm guessing maybe he told her about the reason for our breakup and she didn't want the same thing to happen to her so she pressured him into proposing. Again, that's just a guess though.
​
*Owwww I have my own opinion but girl you are doing all very well and everything was perfect. He gave you a good explanation and you gave him a great insight (a love what you said about how his fear was taking decisions) and advice. I hope all of you find your way, keep us informed 💯💞*
>Yeah his answer for every decision he made was "Because I was scared of..." which is just not a good way to go about anything. That's something he definitely needs to work on.
​
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,615 | 2023-09-02T17:19:17 | [New Update] I lied about who my baby daddy is. Do I tell him the truth now? | NEW UPDATE | Stephenallen1977 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16885dd/new_update_i_lied_about_who_my_baby_daddy_is_do_i/ | false | false | [
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168bmr4 |
**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/fatmummy222 in r/castiron**
NOTE: the majority of OOPs posts are image posts, so if you go to the individual posts you can see the full image galleries. I uploaded a few to imgur for a mirror for the purpose of this post. Also OOPs account is currently suspended; I had saved one of the posts months ago and the rest were found through google.
---
[**So I decided that I’m gonna “just keep seasoning it” instead of “just cook with it”. You know, for science. This is my pan after 8 coats. I’ll keep seasoning it to see how far I can go. I’m not cooking in it at all.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/castiron/comments/zcjtnn/so_i_decided_that_im_gonna_just_keep_seasoning_it/) - December 4, 2022
comment:
>how do you season it?
OOP:
>Crisco. Oven 450. 1 hour. 4 times
>The rest is grapeseed oil. Oven 450. 50 minutes. 4 times
[photo of 8 coats](https://i.imgur.com/BLCmWMS.jpg). Looks like a good base seasoning.
[**I’m at 15 coats now**](https://www.reddit.com/r/castiron/comments/zfif11/im_at_15_coats_now/) - December 7, 2022
So, a few words:
I am NOT a retired petroleum chemist. I don’t claim to be an expert. I am not saying this is the best method for seasoning your cast irons. I am not saying this would create a durable seasoning. I am not telling anyone to do this.
I am doing this just for fun and out of curiosity. And of course, for… science. I like cast irons, I like seasoning, I like cooking, I like slidey stuff in my skillet, I have some time to spare, and I have a supportive wife who tolerates my goofy obsessions. That’s it. Thank you everyone for coming to my Ted talk.
Edit: since some people are asking how I do it. The first 4 coats were done with crisco. Baked in oven at 450 for 1 hour. After that, grapeseed oil, oven 450, 50 minutes, repeat many times.
Again, this is just for fun. If you’re a beginner, the most reliable and easiest way to season is just Crisco, oven, 450F, 1 hour, let cool in oven.
[**I’m at 20 coats now**](https://www.reddit.com/r/castiron/comments/zh8e0x/im_at_20_coats_now/) - December 9, 2022
So I’m at 20 coats now.
For those who assumed that I don’t cook and suggested that I “just cook with it”- Thank you for your concern, but I do cook. I have a Lodge and other cookwares, this is not my only pan.
For those who were still confused and asked “What’s the point?” - I clearly stated in my last post that it’s for fun, and it’s for “science”. Have you guys never done something just to see how far it will get or how it will turn out? Come on, try it.
So can we just get back to the “science” now? Lol. Ok, so here’s something I’d like to share/discuss:
I’ve found that there are four main factors that affect your seasoning: Temperature, duration, thickness of the layer of oil applied, and the characteristics/composition of the oil used.
We can discuss the science behind cast iron seasoning another time if you want, but right now, I want to talk about the thickness of the layer of oil. As we know, the general consensus is that the layer has to be very thin. Folks here are super religious about getting all of the oil off before putting it in the oven. But I don’t think you need to use the whole roll of paper towel and wipe like your life depends on it. The trick is to apply oil and wipe off excess when the pan is hot. Oil is a lot less viscous when hot so it’s a lot easier to put on a thin layer. What I do is I warm up the pan to about 300F. Then use a folded paper towel and dab just a little bit of oil on there, then use it to wipe the entire pan. Make sure to cover the whole surface. It should look wet/shiny. Then use a clean dry paper towel to wipe the whole thing off. It should look matte (I’m talking about pans that haven’t had many coats yet. Obviously, my pan is too shiny to look matte now). Then in the oven it goes. 450F for an hour (for crisco).
For next time, (if my pan can get to 25 coats) I’ll fry an egg in it. I know I originally said I’m not cooking in it at all. But this is an experiment for fun, so what the hell, why not, right?
[20 coats image](https://i.imgur.com/plImk3X.jpg). Pan looks like it is very thickly seasoned, and needs to be cooked on.
[**72 coats. Egg.**](https://v.redd.it/ubqeup24zica1) - January 16, 2023
[mirror link for video](https://imgur.com/3Y53Lrl). Scrambled eggs sliding effortlessly in the pan.
OOP:
>Wife is getting sick of me running the oven all the time.
[**I’m at 80 coats now. Don’t do it, guys. This is just for internet clout and for “science”. And also to make random internet strangers unreasonably mad.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/castiron/comments/10izik8/im_at_80_coats_now_dont_do_it_guys_this_is_just/) - January 22, 2023
[80 coats image](https://i.imgur.com/rkercwX.jpg). Pan is basically at a mirror finish now.
comment:
>OP's post history is a trip. I feel like they dropped literally everything else in their life to season this pan and make eggs for two months straight. They haven't even mentioned steak recently. OP, blink twice if you need help.
[**100 coats. Thank you everyone. It’s been fun.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/castiron/comments/10zprtu/100_coats_thank_you_everyone_its_been_fun/) - February 11, 2023
[100 coats](https://i.imgur.com/da3uBPJ.jpg). Pan is literally a mirror.
comment:
>Is this what the kids mean by pansexual?
/u/fatmummy222 has since had their account suspended
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 7,221 | 2023-09-02T19:37:44 | OOP seasons a cast iron pan 100 times, for science. | CONCLUDED | GRADIUSIC_CYBER | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/168bmr4/oop_seasons_a_cast_iron_pan_100_times_for_science/ | false | false | [
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168mvz1 | **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Evilqueenofeutopia
**Kicked out of a restaurant for breastfeeding**
**Originally posted to** r/EntitledPeople
**TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Public shaming related to breastfeeding and teen momhood!<
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/105a9sv/kicked_out_of_a_restaurant_for_breastfeeding/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) **Jan 7, 2023**
I (17F) feel so humiliated I can’t believe I’m writing this. So a couple days ago I went on a walk with my baby to a park. On the way back I was pretty hungry and stopped by this cafe place for a quick bite and ordered a soup. I pay and sit at a table then baby gets fussy and I know it’s time for her to eat. I had a bottle packed and realized I accidentally left it at home so I just gave her the boob. Then I hear a lady go “Are you serious?”.
I didn’t think anyone was talking to me so I minded my business BC THATS WHAT U DO WHEN NOBODY’s BOTHERING U. Then I felt some harsh tapping on my shoulder and the same lady going “EXCUSE ME!?”. Annoyed someone’s hitting my shoulder I turn around and go “excuse you?” Karen’s like “that’s inappropriate. You need to stop”. I’m like “Stop what?”. She says “Are you fucking stupid, of course you are that’s probably why you have a baby so young.” (That was a good one I’ll give her that) She says something abt this being a public place and she doesn’t like I’m exposing myself in front of her husband who’s sitting at the table next to us watching his wife act stupid and I should go to the bathroom to take care of that or something and I shouldn’t bring a newborn baby (my baby is obviously too big to be a newborn) out in public anyway bc of Corona and stuff (she wasn’t even wearing a mask and was all up in my face so obviously not that concerned abt Corona). I’m not going to the bathroom bc that’s weird and I’m not leaving bc I’m waiting on my soup.
I try to politely tell her I’m not leaving and if she’s worried about Corona she should back up away from me and my baby and everyone can mind their business like normal ppl. She says “okay I’m telling.” (How mature) She walks off and I look over at her husband and he says “you should be more modest”. I just cringe at him and look away bc I’m not abt to argue with a grown man. Manager eventually comes over and says I need to stop or leave. I’m kind of mindblown bc I thought kicking someone out for breastfeeding was illegal, but apparently not. I said “well she’s hungry and she’s gonna cry if i stop and I’m not leaving because I’m waiting on my soup which they said would take 20 minutes bc of something going on or whatever and at this point there would be abt 15 minutes left. So can I get a refund?” and he said they don’t do refunds but can give me restaurant credit like a gift card or something. But I’m definitely not going back there so I’m not gonna need that and I just left.
Of course Karen mumbled a few things abt me being a slut or whatever to the manager and I told her to shut up. Then she started screaming but I walked out the door before I could hear her tirade on me and the manager stopped her from following me.
I’m in Los Angeles btw which isn’t a really conservative area. But yeah my first experience with a Karen.
EDIT: He didn’t necessarily kick me out, but more of kept pressuring me to stop and added the gift card in exchange for me leaving to make it seem nicer. I just wanted the confrontation over and left.
EDIT: I emailed the owner saying what happened. And my friend messaged the La Leche League group on Facebook like many suggested. They just sent a picture of the law and how it’s legal to breastfeed and said I should reach out reaching out to this other organization called Breastfeed LA since they deal with more legal stuff.
[Update - 7 months later](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/162mmyi/update_kicked_out_of_a_restaurant_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Aug 27, 2023**
Sorry this took so long to update. I was going to about a month ago, but subs did that thing where you couldn’t post anything in protest of what Reddit was doing.
Anyways, a lot of people told me to message La Leche League. They didn’t really advice me of anything helpful just sent a screenshot of a Google search saying it was illegal. The owner replied to my email and apologized profusely and offered a $1,000 check as compensation that I happily took. (I feel like I could’ve gone to court for more but I don’t really have time for that so it’s whatever).
Info of aftermath I got from the owner: The manager ended up being fired because I guess he was already incompetent and him risking the restaurant being sued over this was the last straw. And turns out he did know the Karen, they were acquaintances of some sort. Church friends or something like that. The owner also said I can stop by anytime for a free soup or muffin if I want. Honestly I think he’s more worried about getting sued than he is actually sorry, but he seems like a nice enough guy and I’m not that pressed about the situation anymore. But that’s about all. Oh and I’m no longer breastfeeding. I’ve managed to ween her off since then.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** | 4,850 | 2023-09-03T04:00:45 | Kicked out of a restaurant for breastfeeding | CONCLUDED | Direct-Caterpillar77 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/168mvz1/kicked_out_of_a_restaurant_for_breastfeeding/ | false | false | [
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168mw6o | **I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/throwawaybridethrow](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawaybridethrow/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
**Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/160jb3x/aita_for_refusing_to_let_me_and_my_fianc%C3%A9s_best/)**: August 24, 2023**
I just wanted some external opinions regarding this.
For some context : I F26 met my M26 fiancé in college along with our two best friends we’ll call them John M 26 and Holly F26. They’ve also been together since college like me and my fiancé. So we’ve been inseparable since going on double dates and trips together and have had an amazing time post college.
My fiancé proposed to me last year and it’s all been very exciting wedding planning has been stressful and exciting and Holly is my bridesmaid and John is my fiancé’s best man. Our wedding is February next year and in the midst of planning last night John came over to our house and said that he wanted to propose to Holly! Me and my fiancé were over for the moon for him and I was excited for another wedding! So I asked him when he planned to propose and that we’d be down to help with the proposal and everything. He smiled and then said that he was thankful and said that he’d love to propose to Holly at our wedding. Before I said anything he showed me a video of a bride giving her bridesmaid her bouquet instead of tossing it and then the man proposing he then said I’d love to do something like this. I was sort of speechless as was my fiancé.
So he then asked us would that be okay. I took a deep breath and said no John it wouldn’t be okay. As much as I love you and Holly and more than happy for you guys are getting engaged I don’t want that done at my wedding but I’d be more than happy to help you plan a separate event and I think Holly wouldn’t be too thrilled to get proposed at someone’s wedding. Holly had told me before that she found people who get engaged at people’s weddings tacky.
I told him that but he wouldn’t budge. He got angry and said we were being selfish but not allowing him this one small favour and if the roles were reversed he’d say okay in a heart beat. I reiterated to him that Holly wouldn’t want this and she’d want her own event. He kept saying you’re lying you just don’t want us to be engaged you just want all the attention to yourselves. This is where I might feel like I’m the asshole. I blew up at him and called him tacky and cheap! I said us and our families aren’t not shelling out thousands for you to propose at our wedding. It’s embarrassing you can propose to Holly even a day after or day the before or even the day of but just not at my wedding or venue. Holly will cringe and find it embarrassing. He said he didn’t think he’d been friends with such selfish and rude people for all these years. My fiancé reiterated everything I’d said and then My fiancé told him to leave and he left.
Now it’s awkward Holly has no idea what happened and we all had a trip booked for next month and now I don’t want to go. I’m very upset with John and he hasn’t apologised. I don’t know what to tell Holly I don’t want to lie to her but I don’t want to ruin the surprise of her possible proposal. A part of feels bad but I want to stick to my guns.
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/160jb3x/aita_for_refusing_to_let_me_and_my_fianc%C3%A9s_best/jxxxphh/?context=3) **in Comments: August 27, 2023**
Update: John came over again and apologised profusely. He apologised for the name calling and said he was bummed out because his idea which he thought was a good one because of all the videos he’d seen had been shut down. He said that he should’ve listened to me when I told him that Holly has stated before she finds those types of proposals tacky. He said that he should’ve taken no as an answer and there was absolutely no excuse for the way he spoke to us and would understand if we no longer wanted him at the wedding. He said that he was angry with himself At possibly losing our friendships over an idea which had no pros to it whatsoever.
He also said that Holly deserves her own moment with the proposal and he’d love my help with planning it if I was still open to it. I did tell John I don’t want the stress of him possibly hijacking our wedding because of how he reacted to us saying no. He said that would never happen and he’s decided to propose to Holly on the trip or during the holidays. He’ll let me know so I can help which I’m happy to do so. He said that it’s our wedding and he was crazy and apologised for calling us selfish when it’s our day.
Me and my fiancé did accept his apology. We did have a conversation after the argument that if John apologised we’d accept his apology and also we’ve never had a disagreement of this scale ever. We’ve gotten along for all these years. Despite this I don’t think and my fiancé agrees it’s worth burning John’s bridge he’s apologised and he’s genuinely a kind and amazing friend this is just a weird blip we’ve had with him. Thank you so much for all the comments and judgments!
**Editor's note- marked as ongoing in case we get an update on the proposal or wedding.** | 5,354 | 2023-09-03T04:01:01 | AITA for refusing to let me and my fiancé’s best friend propose at my wedding? | ONGOING | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/168mw6o/aita_for_refusing_to_let_me_and_my_fiancés_best/ | false | false | [
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