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1,101 | I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel |
1,102 | How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents. |
1,103 | I'm pretty sick right now. You could say I'm feeling like Charles Lindbergh... Because I got the flu |
1,104 | What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket? Is that you, coffin? |
1,105 | I think it's been enough time to warrant a Star Wars spoiler... Yoda is dead |
1,106 | In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads. |
1,107 | What's the Difference between like, love and showing off?? Spit, Swallow and Gargle |
1,108 | Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about. |
1,109 | Why don't black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot. |
1,110 | How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis. ... ... ... Er... I mean... The ladder. |
1,111 | have to stop saying "how am i going to kill my way out of this one" everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud |
1,112 | What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs? Banner. |
1,113 | What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers. |
1,114 | What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill. |
1,115 | do all girls make poopy? if they do, why do men get hard for them? |
1,116 | What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate. |
1,117 | Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless. |
1,118 | A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet. |
1,119 | someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they're not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really |
1,120 | whats the secret service of Australia called? M8 |
1,121 | I loaned my cell phone to Bill Cosby Now I can't get it to wake up. |
1,122 | What does a pirate call his idiot son? A retarrrrrd |
1,123 | i'm a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms |
1,124 | I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer. |
1,125 | gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary "I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity. |
1,126 | As a kid I was forced to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog |
1,127 | *experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner* |
1,128 | I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ) |
1,129 | CNN: We're not sure but we'll report it anyway. |
1,130 | My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing. |
1,131 | You smell like trash..... Can I take you out? |
1,132 | Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009 |
1,133 | What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized |
1,134 | Why couldn't the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction. |
1,135 | If women can do anything that men can do, then why haven't they ever suppressed an entire gender before? Its a joke lady's. |
1,136 | Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter. |
1,137 | I saw my first porn yesterday I was so young back then.... |
1,138 | Never buying anything home-made on eBay again... I bought an 'Irony Detector' off of eBay, but it was broken. It detected everything *but* irony... |
1,139 | What's the difference between Indiana and Reddit? In Reddit, you get served no matter who you are. |
1,140 | Person one: Do you know that joke about the no and the me neither? Person 2: No? Person 1: Me Neither. Person 1: You didnt get it? Person 2: No Person 1: Me neither |
1,141 | Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them. |
1,142 | How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?? A Brazilian |
1,143 | Leia: This is romantic Han: I know Chewie: Rwwar Leia: Does he have to be here? Han: It's a life debt. You're basically marrying us both |
1,144 | What`s the difference between chinese people and racism? Racism has many faces |
1,145 | How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him. |
1,146 | What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread? A clubbed sandwich |
1,147 | I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable. |
1,148 | What Cell Phone Company does Usain Bolt use? Sprint |
1,149 | In god we trust Everyone else must pay cash |
1,150 | Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too. |
1,151 | My Wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe.......... |
1,152 | A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women." |
1,153 | Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist....basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs. |
1,154 | Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He's out standing in his field. |
1,155 | What kind of computer can sing? A Dell. |
1,156 | There are two hats on a hanger... The broken one says to the other: "You go on a head..." |
1,157 | What's the key to long lasting Relationships? Not breaking up |
1,158 | Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight? He brought the wrong carrion. |
1,159 | What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America. |
1,160 | What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with? An alarm, you pervert! |
1,161 | My clients have a 86% survival rate, which makes me an above-average babysitter. |
1,162 | What do you call an alligator detective wearing a waistcoat? An investigator. |
1,163 | I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters |
1,164 | They say a woman's work is never done that's probably why they get paid less |
1,165 | What did the neckbeard say while giving the eulogy for his extremely flatulent friend? Rip in peace |
1,166 | "Here's your cup of Joe" - Joe at the sperm bank |
1,167 | Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning. |
1,168 | I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now." |
1,169 | What do you call a nomadic caveman? A meanderthal. |
1,170 | "I had the worst Cruise ever." - Katie Holmes |
1,171 | Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they're funny on many levels. |
1,172 | Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'. |
1,173 | I want to study... the area below your curves... It is integral. |
1,174 | Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics... One turns to the other and says, 'Quark Quark' The other says, I'll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks'. |
1,175 | Even reddit goes down more often... than my girlfriend. |
1,176 | What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass. |
1,177 | My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad. |
1,178 | Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub The first one says "Give me the soap". The second one says "no soap. radio". |
1,179 | How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris. |
1,180 | My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like |
1,181 | Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters. |
1,182 | Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag* |
1,183 | Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". |
1,184 | A Roman guy walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please!" |
1,185 | TIL the musical group Ace of Base was killed in a horrific traffic accident after they missed their exit on the highway and crashed... Police later said, "they didn't see the sign..." |
1,186 | damn girl, you got a butt that WON'T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn't stop* ...et tu, bootay |
1,187 | The thing about boats... If we don't bow, everyone gets stern. |
1,188 | Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor. |
1,189 | Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up. |
1,190 | Bet I could breathe more air than you, bro |
1,191 | My uncle performed circumcisions... He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase. |
1,192 | I do not need to have a threesome... ... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents. |
1,193 | Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong. |
1,194 | Did you hear that the North American Man/Boy Love Association go a new tech support guy? He's an e-NAMBLA. |
1,195 | What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe? Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you |
1,196 | New TomTom voice over I got a new TomTom and changed his voice to Chewbacca. Left is BRRRRRRRRRRR and right is BRRRRRRRRRRR And when I'm at my distination : i still dont know |
1,197 | My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC" |
1,198 | I like my women like I like my M.C. Escher paintings Impossibly proportioned |
1,199 | Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. |
1,200 | My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*. |