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funny_quotes

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“It's funny how the ugly duckling always has so many beautiful things to teach us.”

Curtis Tyrone Jones

“Last time I saw her, she was peeking out from one of the bookcases next to the fireplace. She's the first cat I've ever seen trying to pretend she's a condensed version of War and Peace.”

Ellen Hart,

“Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, "Bless you," and would I get him a bottle of Satan's Red-Hot Revenge for the eggs?Sure thing, Pastor.”

Joan Bauer,

“After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil.”

Weston Locher,

“Doris loves Superman as well.unfortunately, she got knocked down by a van last year, and it was a big, long recovery for her, really. It took about six months, didn't it, before she was fully back to normal. She never gone back to normal. She's got a bionic leg now, which made her twice as fast and twice as stupid. You know, but she's just such good fun. But anyway,like she had a bit of a low point, you know, when she got really fed up, you know, with those stupid lampshade collars, you know, that they have on their head. Ugh, bumping into everything, she was walking about sighing. Ugh, like that, you know, and if you've ever been known or been with the terriers, but that ball of energy,you know, and she wasn't allowed to be for a walk or anything. It was awful. So to cheer her up, I bought her a little Superman outfit for dogs. When you get home, you look online. They are absolutely brilliant. You can get Wonder Woman and Darth Vader, all sorts. They're the funniest thing I have ever seen in my. The front paws, the front legs go in Super man's legs, you know, and it like covers up the paw with these little, red boot things on the bottom. And it comes up and ties around the neck, and there's tube stuff down from the front. So from the front, it's like a tiny, little Superman with a dog's head. And then, on the back there's this cape. So when she trots around, it looks like she's flying! Ah, it's brilliant! And she loves it. I couldn't get it off for about a week. It's honestly, they're absolutely brilliant, you must check it out. So anyway, tonight this is for Doris.”

Kate Rusby

“C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. - Marigold”

Jean Ferris

“Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf. ”

Andrew Davidson

“I cannot guarantee my attendance tomorrow morning," Merribeth said in all seriousness. "I distinctly heard my coverlet and pillow conspiring to hold me captive until luncheon. I fear no amount of bravery will save me.”

Vivienne Lorret,

“And I’m lactose intolerant but if you told me I couldn’t have cheese ever again, I would slap you in your face.”

Retta,

“Revenge of the Giant Grill Man.”

Joan Bauer,

“Don't get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria's finest was sworn in as governor of the great state of California.”

J. Maarten Troost,

“I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.”

Lawrence Welk

“I had a tumor. But it was great.”

David Rakoff

“Your tears don't stop the clock.”

Santosh Kalwar,

“Kenji grins. 'Okay then. Let's go get our girl back.''My girl,' I correct him. 'She's my girl.'Kenji snorts as we head in the direction of the compounds. 'Right. Minus the part where she's actually not your girl. Not anymore.”

Tahereh Mafi,

“Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.”

Debi Gliori,

“Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me”

Jon Ronson,

“What are we talking about again?” he asks.I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both laugh.“What are the ingredients?” he prompts me again.“Mutual self-interest and socioeconomic compatibility.”“Do you even have a soul?”“No such thing as a soul,” I say.”

Nicola Yoon,

“Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.”

Mitch Albom,

“This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.”

Penny Reid,

“Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.”

Connie Willis,

“I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.”

Patrick Rothfuss,

“This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone now: Sloane Brodie departed this world at age 37 due to massive coronary trauma as a result of idiot partner Dexter J. Daley.--Sloane”

Charlie Cochet,

“If Sloane’s quiet words hadn’t been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane’s quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment of it.Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.Ash’s growl echoed through the showers. “What are you two gay boys doing in there?”Aaand done.--Dex”

Charlie Cochet,

“Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.”

Gore Vidal

“Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.”

Louis Sachar,

“The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.”

Criss Jami,

“Bagi orang-orang yang sedang menyimpan perasaan, ternyata bukan soal besok kiamat saja yang membuatnya panik, susah hati. Cukup hal kecil seperti jaringan komunikasi terputus, genap sudah untuk membuatnya nelangsa.”

Tere Liye,

“Her mouth set. "I've already lost one man I loved tonight. I will not lose the other." She glared at him. "And curse you, you stone head, for making me say it first.”

Patrick W. Carr,

“I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn't stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the result I have a teaching certificate for Latin and Hungarian for the lower classes of the gymnasium, for kids from 10 to 14. I never made use of this teaching certificate. And then I came to philosophy, physics, and mathematics. In fact, I came to mathematics indirectly. I was really more interested in physics and philosophy and thought about those. It is a little shortened but not quite wrong to say: I thought I am not good enough for physics and I am too good for philosophy. Mathematics is in between.”

George Pólya

“It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.”

Kylie Scott,

“[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. "There we go. How are they?"She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. "Good, I think. Thank you.""Wear them the next time we f***. That would be thanking me.""Aww. You say the sweetest things.""Don't I?”

Kylie Scott,

“Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy.”

J.D. Salinger,

“Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.”

William Goldman,

“I am a vicious and unrepentant killer who should be locked up. With him, my idiot boyfriend.”

Kylie Scott,

“Ali was a lucky, lucky girl having those two big hot men at her disposal. Not that Roslyn wasn't content with her one surly man, but still...two. Some people were enjoying their apocalypse a little too much.”

Kylie Scott,

“I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.
”

Dora J. Arod,

“Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy.”

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor,

“Bravo Sherlock. That's two lollipops I owe you.”

Amie Kaufman

“I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.
”

Dora J. Arod,

“You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the sharpest claws, and two front teeth as long as knives and as sharp as blades. And I said to him, Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I’ll look after your balls for you. He was so proud of his balls. So he got into the water hole for a swim, and I put his balls on, and left him my own little spider balls. And then, you know what I did? I ran away, fast as my legs would take me “I didn’t stop till I got to the next town, And I saw Old Monkey there. You lookin’ mighty fine, Anansi, said Old Monkey. I said to him, You know what they all singin’ in the town over there? What are they singin’? he asks me. They singin’ the funniest song, I told him. Then I did a dance, and I sings, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “Old Monkey he laughs fit to bust, holding his side and shakin’, and stampin’, then he starts singin’ Tiger’s balls, I ate Tiger’s balls, snappin’ his fingers, spinnin’ around on his two feet. That’s a fine song, he says, I’m goin’ to sing it to all my friends. You do that, I tell him, and I head back to the water hole. “There’s Tiger, down by the water hole, walkin’ up and down, with his tail switchin’ and swishin’ and his ears and the fur on his neck up as far as they can go, and he’s snappin’ at every insect comes by with his huge old saber teeth, and his eyes flashin’ orange fire. He looks mean and scary and big, but danglin’ between his legs, there’s the littlest balls in the littlest blackest most wrinkledy ball-sack you ever did see. “Hey, Anansi, he says, when he sees me. You were supposed to be guarding my balls while I went swimming. But when I got out of the swimming hole, there was nothing on the side of the bank but these little black shriveled-up good-for-nothing spider balls I’m wearing. “I done my best, I tells him, but it was those monkeys, they come by and eat your balls all up, and when I tell them off, then they pulled off my own little balls. And I was so ashamed I ran away. “You a liar, Anansi, says Tiger. I’m going to eat your liver. But then he hears the monkeys coming from their town to the water hole. A dozen happy monkeys, boppin’ down the path, clickin’ their fingers and singin’ as loud as they could sing, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “And Tiger, he growls, and he roars and he’s off into the forest after them, and the monkeys screech and head for the highest trees. And I scratch my nice new big balls, and damn they felt good hangin’ between my skinny legs, and I walk on home. And even today, Tiger keeps chasin’ monkeys. So you all remember: just because you’re small, doesn’t mean you got no power.”

Neil Gaiman,

“Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway.'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully.'Huh?' said Lester.”

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor,

“I was lucky that I was born bigger and faster than the average Joe, and play a game that people are stupid enough to pay millions of dollars to watch.”

Winfred Tubbs

“A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.”

Caskie Stinnett

“Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.”

Criss Jami,

“People talk too much, humans aren't descended from monkeys, they're descended from parrots.”

Carlos Ruiz Zafón,

“I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC.
”

Dark Jar Tin Zoo,

“I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.”

M.J. McGuire

“It’s like they were worried that I’d be alone all day brooding and painting my cabin black or something—sheesh.”

Melissa C. Walker,

“...it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.”

E.A. Bucchianeri,

“... an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.”

E.A. Bucchianeri,

“I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here.”

Melissa St. Hilaire

“I’m a firm believer in equality at all times—”“At all times?” She glanced at the cuffs clipped to his leathers. “Why do I find that hard to believe?” And why the heck was she arguing with him. Mine, mine, mine.“At all times,” he repeated. “However, in the bedroom or in the club, I am a lot more equal than you.”

Cherise Sinclair,

“But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.”

Terry Prachett talking about Neil Gaiman,

“Y’all might as well come on out,” I said. “I know you’re there. I can smell you.”“Smell me? But I just took a shower this morning!” an indignant voice drifted out of the shadows.There was a loud sound, like someone was getting smacked upside the head. Then another voice let out a low mutter.“Shut up, idiot.”

Jennifer Estep,

“Bones just stared. "You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!”

Jeaniene Frost,

“Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be."Foolhardy?" Kelsier asked with a laugh. "that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. "By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few years""We'll fix that" Kelsier promised.”

Brandon Sanderson,

“I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.”

Cate Tiernan,

“I claim neither liberalism nor conservatism - one tends to be airheaded while the other tends to be brickheaded.”

Criss Jami,

“The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.”

Criss Jami,

“Cara: *Flies*Gen: What? I don't have wings!Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy.”

Jim Henson

“Mallory dropped her head to the steering wheel. "Look, I'm mad at you, okay? This isn't about me. I know my painful memories are relative. My life is good. I'm lucky. This isn't about how poor little Mallory has had it so hard. I'm not falling apart or anything."He stroked a hand down her back. "Of course you're not. You're just holding the steering wheel up with your head for a minute, that's all.”

Jill Shalvis,

“...You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? . . . Believe it! By will of his own mind, he could make his heart stop beating for good' My neighbor poised and looked seriously at me, searching in my eyes. '...You laugh!' he repeated once more… 'You laugh, but he was a master at it! He could commit suicide at his own will!' Indeed, hearty laughter streamed through my nose. 'Could he do it perpetually?' I asked. 'Perpetually...?' My neighbor rubbed his waxy chin. 'I mean, is he still able to do it?' 'I’m not sure I understand.' 'Well? Then is he dead…?!'My neighbor's puzzled face slowly began to transform into a look of realization. 'But sir,' he said, 'Of course he’s dead! I mean to say... this man could kill himself on command, you see. And you don’t come back from the dead!' The two of us found ourselves crossing to the door so I could let my visitor out. I slapped him with friendliness on the shoulder. 'No, you don’t come back from the dead,' I agreed.”

Roman Payne

“I'm taller than my father, and taller than two of the stones at Ban Drochaid.""I meant in feet," she clarified. Speaking of the mundane gave her a measure of calm.He eyed his boots a moment and appeared to be doing some rapid calculations.”

Karen Marie Moning,

“If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.”

Tom Hanks

“Bryan helped me up.  "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?"I shrugged.  "I've never been very athletic.  Not unless you count fencing.""You made fences?”

John Corwin,

“Mother, you have my father much offended.”

William Shakespeare

“Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.”

Regina Griffin

“Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.”

Megan McCafferty,

“TO:[email protected]: Something's wrong! The house is shaking!TO:[email protected]: Well can you turn down the volume on Star Trek:Voyager? I thought we were having an earthquake when the Enterprise hit Warp speed. Why did you let me sleep until nearly one?”

Robert Bryndza,

“All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there's no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don't-need-a-mirror kind of way.”

Hannah Harrington,

“He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.”

Laurell K. Hamilton,

“What did you think of him?" Cade asked."Give me some credit," Zach said. "Guy’s more full of shit than a duck pond.”

Christopher Farnsworth,

“Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.”

Alex Flinn,

“Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?" Adina scoffed. "Is she all, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't s ee your penis there'?"Tiara squealed and waved her hands. "Don't say that word!""What? Accidentally? Sorry? Penis?""Gah!" Tiara put her fingers in her ears."What about phallic?" Petra teased. "Like, 'Yon volcano is quite phallic, Lady Tiara.'" Tiara looked confused. "Phallic means penis-like," Petra explained."Ooh," Tiara said.”

Libba Bray

“Instead of hearing the message he was trying to impress upon me and the impressionable queer ears hanging on his every word, all I could think was, I can't believe he just told them all how old I am.- Jason's reaction to Chad's speech”

Ethan Day,

“Leave your incidental Dick.”

Vladimir Nabokov,

“Wearing that personal trainer nametag doesn't make you right #AHOLE”

Andy Ostrom,

“I'm sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don't even like the game very much, I think it's silly, but I so miss physical activity that I'd be thrilled if I could run around the gymnasium with a broom between my legs, chasing after the human snitch wearing a gold pinny.”

Megan McCafferty,

“But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.”

Terry Pratchett,

“Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. (He paused, then claimed that Chapman had whipered in his ear while he was writing the speech):All right, Cleese. You say you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'.”

John Cleese

“You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”

Jon Stewart

“I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others...”

Richard Paul Evans,

“At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!”

Ilona Andrews,

“She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.”

Anthony Horowitz,

“Doode," George said.He'd practiced all morning but still didn't get it quite right. "Nope, more u, less oo. Duuude.""Dude.""Dude.""Okay, dude." George nodded. "How's it hanging?" Jack asked. "How am I supposed to answer that?" George looked at him. "I don't think Kaldar said anything about that. I guess 'good'? I don't get it. What's hanging anyway?"George shook his head. "Your stuff, you nimwit."His stuff...Oh. Ha! "In that case, it's hanging long!" Jack dissolved in giggles. "Long, get it?”

Ilona Andrews,

“Her brain is like a filing cabinet – everything neatly stored in categories. My brain is more like soup – everything all blended and mushed together.”

Cat Clarke

“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”

Stephen Colbert,

“You'll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.”

Kiersten White,

“Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”

Jon Stewart

“This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.”

Ilona Andrews,

“Tighe took control of his thoughts.“You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to comein with you. You must let them in. Don’t allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you’llgo into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go tosleep.”The bastard’s career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But hedeserved it for kicking a cat.”

Pamela Palmer,

“I put the sexy in dyslexia.”

Mariah Gonzales

“Gee-word?""Gods. What were you doin' the day they handed out brains, boy, anyway?""Someone was telling a story about stealing a tiger's balls, and I had to stop and find out how it ended.”

Neil Gaiman,

“Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock." Hector”

Gena Showalter,

“That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.”

Ilona Andrews,

“Don't say anything. Just act cool," I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver."Like this?" it asked."No, I mean act calm."Mavkel stopped shivering.”

Alison Goodman,

“Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.”

Tamara Summers,

“Okay, time to get serious. I let my smile fade slowly and lowered my pitch, as no human woman could have. “I’m not joking this time. If I see it, it’s mine, and you won’t get it back at the end of the school year.” I growled, deep and long, savoring the feel of the vibrations in my throat, as if the sound alone could save me. It wasn’t quite a cat’s growl but it was damn close. And it was his last warning.Miguel dismissed my threat with an easy smile, and my stomach clenched. Oh, yeah, Faythe. You have Puss shaking in his boots, all right.”

Rachel Vincent,

“I remember that story. You have read it four times." Samson shrugged. "Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, 'That was a fine piece of music. I'll never listen to that again." But some people treat books that way. Not I!”

Karen A. Wyle,