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“On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down...Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board.”

Hilary McKay,

“...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.”

Anne Rice,

“Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a can of Mace in one hand and pepper spray in the other.” - KatieJorlan's expression turned mocking. “Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.”

Gena Showalter,

“Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.”

Brian Martinez,

“Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"- Cruz”

Derrolyn Anderson,

“Oh, Micheal darling!""Don't call me darling, I'm a driving instructor!”

Hilary McKay,

“I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.”

James Patterson,

“They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows."Indigo!" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above."It's all right, Caddy!" Indigo called cheerfully. "We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.""We keep finding more stuff to land on!" added Rose. "Look!”

Hilary McKay,

“She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.”

Andrew Hinkinson-Hodnett,

“Her hands shot up. “See that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’re seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you’re fixing me. I’m not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that.” “You drool.” “What?” That caught her off guard. “When you’re asleep you drool. I’ve woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest.” After a thought he added. “And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you.” “I do not!” Her face colored with indignation. He sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. “Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night’s sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they’d say that.”

R.L. Mathewson,

“If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.”

Richard Kadrey,

“The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.”

Dave Courtney,

“Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.”

Robert Fulghum,

“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...”

Woody Allen

“The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train.”

Ben MacIntyre,

“Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.”

Terry Pratchett,

“If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.”

Richard Kadrey,

“Remove yourself, sir!”

David McCullough,

“Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.”

Derek The Ghost,

“I strike fear into you because I am a man?""It isn't funny.""I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.”

Catherine Anderson,

“Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.”

Zathyn Priest ,

“I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover.”

Ethan Day,

“Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen.”

Brian Jacques,

“Good dog! Nice fetch!""He wasn't fetching.""Bring her here, boy. Good job!"The dog looked from Zack to me."I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it.”

Elizabeth Chandler,

“Well," Mr. Cheeseman interjected. "Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego.""What's an alter ego?" asked Gerard."It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent?""It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane.""Okay," Gerard conceded. "Captain Fabulous's alter ego will be...Teddy Roosevelt.”

Cuthbert Soup,

“Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls," Dad says."They were the bomb," I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows."'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'?"Duh," I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh."Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles," he says, turning onto our street.”

Maya Gold,

“I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything.”

E.J. Stevens,

“A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.”

Hanna Lui,

“Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.”

Elizabeth C. Bunce,

“I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.”

Hannah Vandegrift

“The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger.”

Jim Benton,

“Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.”

Santosh Kalwar

“You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye”

Krista Alasti,

“maybe somebody finally shot the dog.”

Dave Barry,

“Are you sure you can't dematerialize? Not even a little?" "I'm sure.”

Lauren Oliver,

“I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran”

Krista Alasti,

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.”

Steven Wright

“Don’t do it gurl,” he said with a wink. “You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.”

Ethan Day,

“Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--”

David Nicholls,

“Whew,” he said. “You clean up good. You don’t look like the same girl.”She frowned right before she laughed. “Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?”

Robyn Carr,

“Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.”

Rita Mae Brown,

“As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on fire. Hmm. Come to think of it, in no way whatsoever did the sun, in this instance, resemble a leaky boat. My apologies. That was a dreadful attempt at simile. Please allow me to try again. As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a self-luminous, gaseous sphere comprised mainly of of hydrogen and helium.”

Cuthbert Soup,

“Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?”

Bruce Coville,

“PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!”

Stephen King,

“Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left."In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna.”

Joseph Heller,

“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”

Bob Hope

“I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle's house, had our meals sent up, and didn't emerge for several days. This is absolutely untrue. I would never behave like that as a guest in someone's home. Carlos and I went to my beach house. ”

Martha Graham,

“The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q. The appellation he was given by his progenitors was Ray O'Vaque ("Like the battery," he'd elucidate, with an adamantine stare that proscribed any mirth). In his years of incarceration, however, he had earned the sobriquet "Uncle Milty" for his piscine amatory habits.He had been emancipated from the penitentiary for three weeks, and now his restless peregrinations had conveyed him to this liminal place, seeking compurgation in the permafrost of the hyperborean tundra, which was an apt analogue of the permafrost in his heart. He insinuated himself into the caravansary with nugatory expectations, which were confirmed by the exiguous provisions for comfort. But then the bartender looked up from laving the begrimed bar, his eyes growing luminous as he ejactulated, "Milt!”

Howard Mittelmark,

“We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for.... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.”

Cynthia Heimel

“I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.”

Mark Twain,

“Hey!" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. "Keep your snot to yourself."Dev scoffed at that. "Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?" He tsked. "What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you.”

Sherrilyn Kenyon,

“Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife”

Ruth Downie,

“I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man.”

Santosh Kalwar

“He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!”

Cuthbert Soup,

“Robert said, "This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade."Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+”

Andrew Clements,

“Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.”

Satchel Paige

“What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?”

William Shakespeare,

“Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!”

Daniel Nayeri,

“...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.”

Jimmy Gownley,

“Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.”

Brett Tate

“I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.”

Charles Dickens,

“Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy," my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word "short."Yeah," I tell her in return, "but he compensates by being Tom Cruise."Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever.”

A.E. Cannon,

“Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?""I need a gun."This was not how his dream was supposed to go.”

Shannon K. Butcher,

“I can never be perfectly certain whether Helen was got with child by Leonard Bast or by his fatal forgotten umbrella. All things considered, I think it must have been the umbrella.”

Katherine Mansfield

“Miłość jest jak wędlina: jest salami i jest mortadela.”

Carlos Ruiz Zafón,

“We have truth in order not to die of art.”

Steve Aylett

“Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.”

Adam Rex,

“I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah”

Kate Carlisle,

“Elisandra read while I tried my hand at embroidering a pillowcase that she lent me. The results were execrable. I had no skill with a needle, and no desire to learn, either."I wouldn't shame a dog by laying this upon his bed," I remarked, showing Elisandra my efforts. She actually smiled."I like it," she said. "I'll put it on one of my pillows.""Bryan won't let you sleep in the same bed with him if you bring this as your dowry," I said with an attempt at humor.She bent her head back over her book. "Then stitch me another.”

Sharon Shinn,

“This one's for Alaska Young!”

John Green,

“There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters”

Philip K. Dick,

“When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.”

Albert Einstein

“AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.”

John Green,

“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”

Nenia Campbell,

“I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin”

Bauvard,

“We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.”

Lisa Kleypas,

“We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.”

Chetan Bhagat,

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”

Jeff Valdez

“SUBJECT: Real originalDear Dark Assholes,I get the point. Showing me that you know how to log onto a computer and utilize Google must’ve taken some pretty keen strategizing on your part.Really, really cool trick. Now leave me the hell alone.-The DL”

S.L. Jennings,

“Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her."You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.”

Olivia Cunning,

“There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.”

Shannon Alder

“Back in medieval times, " I said, "we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid."Meg flinched. "Isn't that dangerous?""Very.""And you *healed* with it?""It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then.”

Rick Riordan,

“Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest.”

Shannon Alder

“Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.”

Eoin Colfer,

“Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.”

Rick Riordan,

“And I wanted to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face." Galen"As I recall, you did. And then you kicked me in the ass and sent me sprawling, pampered face first, into a pile of horseshit." Styxx"And you said not a word about it to anyone. You got up, took your training sword, and faced me as if you landed in a bed of poppies. All the while, shit dripping down you."Galen”

Sherrilyn Kenyon,

“If he just wanted sex from her, everyone knew the fastest approach to that end was just to enquire bluntly if she was interested. She was either willing to kill some time, or she was too busy killing. ”

Jane Cousins,

“This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!”

Molly Harper,

“Most girls take one look at you and swoon. You've never had to really work for someone's affection or put effort into maintaining it. In many ways, your natural gifts have done you a disservice-- they've stunted your sensitivity and charm! You've never had to develop insight into what will make a girl laugh and come to love you for reasons that aren't handsome or heroic. That's why smees are experts on the subtle arts of courtship and seduction; nothing comes easy to us, but we do understand and live by the Lover's Maxim.""And what on earth is the Lover's Maxim?" asked Maz, feeling very uninformed.The smee cleared his throat. "If you can't be handsome, be rich. If you can't be rich, be strong. If you cant be strong, be witty.""But what if you can't be witty?" Max wondered."Learn the guitar.”

Henry H. Neff,

“Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.”

Zack Love,

“If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!”

Leah Broadby,

“But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? - Sir Nicholas de Mimsy”

J.K. Rowling,

“I'm sorry. So sorry. Don't mean to interrupt. It's just...are you for fucking serious?”

Emma Mills,

“I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.”

Karl Kristian Flores,

“Seriously, so many times I've heard women talk about fast men unsatisfying them in the bedroom because they ejaculate too quickly, yet it seems now, if you don't ejaculate quick enough, then they will feel insecure about it instead. I don't get it - Too quick, you're rubbish, yet too long, then you're making them feel bad.”

Jimmy Tudeski,

“Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”

Derek Landy

“It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.”

Gauri Jhangiani,

“El Paso,” Andrej echoed slowly. “You do know there’s nothing in El Paso but dust, heat, and illegal aliens, right?”

J. Fally,

“At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I can say that crying, for a variety of reasons, has made me a better person, a happier and more fully realized person, in ways that nothing else has.”

Keah Brown,

“Thank you for helping my sister,” he says.I lean forward, mimicking his position. “I’m happy to.”Calliope leans out her window. “STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.”

Stephanie Perkins,