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funny_quotes

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“Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over”

Sabine Hein

“This is Simba," Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous?" Asked Chase."Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much.”

Roland Smith,

“Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.”

Chelsea Handler,

“Hey, A-D-D,” she called out to Claire, “come over and try these on.”

Kimberly Derting

“I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!”

Barry Lyga,

“But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict!" said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. "And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it!”

Trenton Lee Stewart,

“Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.”

Rob Sheffield,

“Can I have Jake and Coke--uh, Jack and Cock”

J.L. Langley,

“The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.”

Jim Benton,

“The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.”

Jodi Picoult,

“Actually, I came because I have a last-minute invitation. My friend Erika Gill is having a big party tomorrow night, one of those all-out birthday bashes that girls like. Want to go?"----------------------------------------"No. Sorry.""Since it's a catered thing, at a restaurant, I'll pick you up at- what did you say?""I'm sorry. I can't do it."----------------------------------------"You're busy?""I just can't do it," I said.”

Elizabeth Chandler,

“don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male”

Keisha Keenleyside

“Is that clear?" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said”

James Patterson

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

Steven Wright

“Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.”

Jim Benton,

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”

Chelsea Handler,

“Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He looked like a dick.”

Sarah Mayberry,

“After this, I can't resist. "Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide.”

Cindy Martinusen-Coloma,

“There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.”

Jim Benton,

“He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec.” Back into the phone he said, “He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!” he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.”

Robyn Carr,

“The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.”

Terry Pratchett,

“You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?""Only a man would think of that.It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.”

Terry Pratchett,

“The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.”

Sean Covey,

“I saw you put rice in a toaster once," said Mae. "I was there when made the tin of beans explode.""It was faulty," Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. " I am sure of this.”

Sarah Rees Brennan,

“I wish I had only offered youa sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.''And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.''Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.''Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.''Just let me look at the cash.''No, sir; you are not to be trusted.”

Charlotte Brontë,

“Kirigin cleared his throat. "It's of no matter to me. I just wondered if I should have that cordial she likes waiting. Is Commander Nazalensky well? ""Pretty as a picture and brimming with spite." "She is lovely, isn't she?" said Kirigin dreamily....”

Leigh Bardugo,

“I didn't say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley.""Don't mock me on my sister's wedding day!""I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad," was Darcy's reply.”

Marsha Altman,

“What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo.”

Cuthbert Soup,

“The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...”

David Sedaris,

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese.""She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'""Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?""No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga.""Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls.""That's some bullshit, Troy.""It's her couch.”

Christopher Moore,

“I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.”

William Shakespeare,

“The Barbies with their stick legs and rocket breasts were another problem Megan had to endure. She was supposed to spend hours dressing up or playing house with them, including the darker ones she was supposed to find more relatable. In a fit she'd once tried to commit Barbicide, defaced them with colored marker pens, chopped off hair, extracted eyes with scissors and de-limbed a few... The Barbie invasion proliferated on birthdays and at Christmas, relatives talked about incredible collection, as if she'd actually chosen to have them in her life.”

Bernardine Evaristo,

“I thought, What a miserable life he's had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one than I will ever be.Part ofme wanted to get up and apologize to him right there and say, You go and be a driver in Delhi.You never did anything to hurt me. Forgive me, brother.I turned to the other side, farted, and went back to sleep.”

Aravind Adiga,

“After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.”

Anne Stuart,

“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm”

David Cross,

“We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....'No, you won't.'We will,' stated the robot simply.No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....'You will not,' said Zaphod.And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86)”

Douglas Adams,

“An arrogant laughs at repentance.”

Toba Beta,

“Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.”

Daniel Waters,

“There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade's hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged. He got numbers written on him a lot; he'd never figured out how to stop that from happening.”

Jill Shalvis,

“You have better luck than you think you do,” Cian said firmly.Turning back toward him, she said, “Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that's my bad luck,” he corrected her.”

Rhiannon Frater,

“That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain’t scored a triple.”

Sarah Hall

“...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?" - Aunt Edna”

Janet Evanovich,

“What do you think, Galen?" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice.Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively.It's very unique," he said, trying to look intrigued instead of disgusted. "It's excellent."Lady Fern looked satisfied and turned to say something to her husband, while Galen added quietly under his breath, "...not."--The Fire Stone”

Riley Carney,

“Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.”

Jack London,

“Smartass Disciple: Why men don't ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It'd be too risky for them.”

Toba Beta,

“What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce me?”

Gregory Maguire,

“I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.”

Jim Benton,

“Claire elbowed him. "You must be feeling better.""Seems like it, doesn't it?"That, she thought with a sudden rush of disquiet, was not an answer. It was an evasion. "Are you feeling better?""If by better you mean much more aware than I ought to be of the fact that there are freaking vampires all over the place, then yes, much better. But I'm dealing with it.""If you can't, will you let me know?""Sure thing. I'll let out a howl.""Not funny.""Well, in my defense, it wasn't really meant to be. I mean, I might literally howl.”

Rachel Caine,

“Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.”

Christopher Moore,

“Do you know where your breakthrough begins? Your breakthrough begins where your excuses ends.”

Patience Johnson,

“How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.”

Rachel Aaron,

“The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. "I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick.”

John Green,

“And you’re overthinking things, Charming.  Do the math.  Naked, interested man, check.  Wet, willing woman, double check.  Now insert part A into slot B and we can move on to the engineering portion of our quiz today.”

Jane Cousins,

“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson

“It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.”

Haim Shapira,

“I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...”

Whitney Gracia Williams,

“Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.”

George R.R. Martin,

“Don't you think you're quite young?''I'm twenty-one,' said Brida. 'If I wanted to start learning ballet, I'd be conseidered too old.”

Paulo Coelho

“Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.”

Criss Jami,

“I want gifts and Christmas music. I don’t care how many Draziri are out there. They won’t take Christmas from me.”“Yes, but we don’t have a suitable male,” Orro said. “And only one dog.”I looked at him.“What is this Christmas?” Wing asked.Orro turned from the stove. “It’s the rite of passage during which the young males of the human species learn to display aggression and use weapons.”Sean stopped what he was doing and looked at Orro.“The young men go out in small packs,” Orro continued. “They brave the cold and come into conflict with other packs and they have to prove their dominance through physical combat. Their fathers teach them lessons in the proper use of swear words, and the young men have to undergo tests of endurance, like holding soap in their mouths and licking cold metal objects.”Sean made a strangled noise.“At the end of their trials, they go to see a wise elder in a red suit to prove their worth. If they are judged worthy, the family erects a ceremonial tree and presents them with gifts of weapons.”Sean was clearly struggling, because his head was shaking.“Also,” Orro added, “a sacrificial poultry is prepared and then given to the wild animals, probably to appease the nature spirits.”Sean roared with laughter.”

Ilona Andrews,

“Owl love you forever”

David Sedaris,

“The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally.'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.''Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation.”

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor,

“I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said.”

Dan Simmons,

“The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.”

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“In reality most human beings are not, to most human beings, more important than money.”

Mokokoma Mokhonoana,

“I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. “Of course it’s a dream,” I thought. “The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”
”

Dark Jar Tin Zoo,

“You need anything we're only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We'll help you hide the body.”

Sean Michael,

“Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.”

Molly Harper,

“What was that?" Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.”

Molly Harper,

“Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.”

Lauren Barnholdt,

“The fate of the world depends upon whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives ..." ~ Skulduggery Pleasant”

Derek Landy,

“He picked up the sketchbook, turning it so she could see his work - a gorgeous rendition of a stone bridge they'd passed, surrounded by the drooping boughs of oak trees."You could sketch me," said Emma. She flung herself down onto her seat, leaning her head on her hand. "Draw me like one of your french girls.”

Cassandra Clare,

“However, I have to warn you, I kind of like that you find me irresistible.”“Did I say that?” he asked, a slight tint creeping up his stubbled cheeks. “I didn’t say that! I find you completely resistible.”

Robyn Carr,

“He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.""He's always taking something - generally food.”

P.G. Wodehouse,

“I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn’t have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control.Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.”

Jim Butcher,

“The sad rocking chair in the corner was actually a joke of a chair: if one started laughing at it, one could die laughing. It was too low for a grown man, and besides, it was so tight, one needed a shoehorn to get back out of it. In short, this room was simply not furnished in a way appropriate to intellectual effort, and I did not intend to keep it any longer.”

Knut Hamsun,

“I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.Lucy”

Cathy Hopkins,

“Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her face.“What’s it like?”“Hard,” she replied.”

Zack Love,

“When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts."His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. "Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.”

Kiera Cass,

“Okay... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me." Kylie stopped and swerved around... "Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek." "Damn!" Perry said, and grinned. "This is gonna be better than I thought.”

C.C. Hunter,

“If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!”

Ellen DeGeneres,

“Real men don't lift weights, they lift women.”

Every male ballet dancer

“Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?""Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited.""I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty.”

Cassandra Clare,

“Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?”

Hannah Harrington,

“It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.”

Ellen DeGeneres,

“The music department is going to do a musical next year," he tells me, rolling his eyes like I would.Justine is running toward me, and I can tell by the look on her face that she's found out about the musical, too.I sigh, shaking my head. "I have to give Justine a lesson in holding back," I tell him. "She's just way too enthusiastic".She grabs my arms in excitement. "We're doing Les Mis."I scream hysterically, clutching her as we jump up and down.”

Melina Marchetta,

“You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.""How do you make girls cry, exactly?"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.”

Ilona Andrews,

“Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could."Why are you flinching?" the pencil woman asked."I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me.""Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you.”

Trenton Lee Stewart,

“I am who I say I am,I'm not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am a girl who knows enoughto know this life is mine.I am this and I am that andI am everything in-between.I'm a dreamer, I'm a dancer,I'm a part-time drama queen.I'm a worrier, I'm a warrior,I'm a loner and a friend,I'm an outspoken defenderof justice to the end.I'm the girl in the mirror who likes the girl she sees,I'm the girl in the gypsy shawlwith music in her knees.I'm a singer and a scholar,I'm a girl who has been kissed.I'm a solver of equationswearing bangles on my wrist.I am bigger than i ever knew,I am stronger than before,I am every girl I have ever been,and all that are in store.I am who I say I am.I'm not some fantasy.I am the me I am inside.I am whoI choseto be.”

James Howe

“...Neferet fell smack on her butt.”

P.C. Cast,

“I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.""Sausages.”

Adam Rex,

“Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.”

Ilona Andrews,

“And you are the girl's bitch, forever.”

Alison Goodman,

“People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle”

Debbie Macomber,

“Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.”

Agatha Christie,

“No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya”

Cate Tiernan,

“Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. "This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing."He reached around her and fingered the soft material. "Where is the rest of it?" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing.”

Christine Feehan,

“Funyuns make you fart," Caspian said, and I exploded in laughter."What's so funny?" Ben asked.I tried to stop laughing, but Caspian was leaning forward now, his face stck right in between us. "Funyuns give you bad breath, too. Not very attractive to the ladies." He paused. "ON second thought... enjoy your Funyuns, Ben!" I had to bite the side of my cheek to keep from giggling. The fact that Ben had no clue what was going on made it even harder to stop.”

Jessica Verday,

“He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.”

Kate Avery Ellison,

“She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. "I thought you had to go," he said. "And don't think i didn't see you kissing on my best friend.""He deserved it.""Yeah. Maybe i ought to kiss him, too."Michael, on his way out, didn't bother to turn around for that one. "Oh sure, you always promise.”

Rachel Caine Black Dawn