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fd_Frasier_01x04

fd_Frasier_01x04_0

Act One. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. It's the early evening. Frasier is playing a tune on the piano, Martin is looking through some old police work, and Daphne is busying herself in the kitchen. Frasier turns round to find Eddie staring at him. Frasier: Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time? Martin: I don't know. Eddie - must ya? [Eddie carries on staring] Apparently he must. Frasier: [to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me. Daphne enters carrying a tray of food. Daphne: Here we are, gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you a hand clearing up your papers? Martin: No, you better let me. I need to keep these in a particular order. Daphne: What is all this, anyway? Martin: Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the "Weeping Lotus" murder. Frasier: Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up. He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years. Martin: Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one small thing I keep overlooking. [tidies papers] Frasier: There is - who the murderer was. [laughs] The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and Martin chat. Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated. Martin: It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing! At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles who is carrying a bottle of wine. He enters and hands the wine to Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator and it shattered her calm. Frasier: Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone. Niles: She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling directory assistance? Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. It's so good to see you again. [she puts the meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing. Daphne: [smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing. Won't Mrs. Crane be coming? Niles: No, I'm afraid. And please, no more of this "Doctor" and "Mrs. Crane" formality. To you, it's Niles and... [stumped] er... Frasier: Maris. Niles: Yes, Maris. Martin: Glad you could join us, Niles. Niles: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it. Martin: Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go ahead and start? Everyone sits down except Daphne who begins to take her food into the kitchen. Daphne: Well, enjoy. Martin: Where are you going? Daphne: I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen. Martin: Don't be ridiculous. Niles: Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen. I'll join you. Martin: No. We're all eating right here, like a family, end of discussion. Daphne: Well, isn't this nice? Feels just like home. Niles: I'm famished. Frasier: Me, too. Niles and Frasier begin to eat... Martin: You boys still say a prayer before you eat? They relent and pretend they do. All four close their eyes and hold their hands together. As Martin begins his prayer, Niles stares at Daphne as Eddie stares at Frasier. Daphne does not notice with her eyes shut. However, Frasier notices Eddie's skin-creeping look. Martin: We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat. You have blessed our table with your palm. And thank you, Lord, for bringing this family together and we also thank you for the other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able to share with those less fortunate... Frasier: [to Eddie:] OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING! Niles: [off guard:] I wasn't staring! Martin: [takes what he can get] Amen. They all settle down. Daphne looks at Niles a little suspiciously as he begins the meal conversation. Niles: So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column today? You were mentioned. Frasier: No, I missed it. Niles: Just as well, it wasn't flattering. Frasier: I still would have liked to have seen it anyway. Niles: Oh, why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket] Daphne: If I may ask, who's Derek Mann? Martin: He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times. The things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny - what did he say about you? Frasier: [reading:] "I hate Frasier Crane." Martin: [laughs, then:] Oh, sorry. Frasier: That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it? Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you. Frasier: Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms, it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in yellow! Now, who would like some wine? Daphne: Oh, I'll have some. Frasier goes to pour some as Niles compliments Daphne. Niles: Daphne, this salad is exquisite. Frasier: [sitting down:] Now why would he say that? Martin: Must be the carrots, he always did like them. Frasier: Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake. Martin: Oh, for crying out loud! Frasier: Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the trash. Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him. Niles: Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save. Martin: On what? Niles: Nothing. Martin: Come on, I'm interested. Niles: Oh, let's drop it. Martin: Why can't you tell me? Niles: All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for growing prize-winning zinnias. Are you happy? Martin: [beat] Not really. [SCENE_BREAK] OH, YEAH... Scene Two - Radio Station. The following afternoon Frasier is taking a call on air in his booth as Roz listens. Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that? Lorraine: [v.o:] Okay. Frasier: All right, good girl. Now your problem... Lorraine: [beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it? Frasier: No, no. Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you think so, Roz? Roz is busy eating and reading magazines. She has to quickly chew her food, put down her books just for the simple: Roz: Yes. Lorraine: Okay, I'm back. Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. Your problem seems... Lorraine: [beep] Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back. Frasier: For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is popular. [laughs] Lorraine: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't believe it - another call. Frasier: Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine? Lorraine: Okay, I'm back! Frasier: Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off] Frasier presses the off air button, and twirls his microphone around before blowing on it as if it were his weapon, then "holsters" it in his belt. [SCENE_BREAK] YEAH! Scene Three - Café Nervosa. The following afternoon Frasier is drinking a coffee in the café with Roz when Niles enters and sits with him. Niles: Frasier, how funny running into you here. Frasier: I'm always here. Niles: Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago: have you seen today's "Times"? Frasier: [knowing what's coming:] No. Niles: Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek Mann's column. Frasier: You know, this is the second time in as many days that you have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting yourself a route? Niles: [to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met. Roz: Yes we have, Niles, three or four times. Roz Doyle. Niles: Oh, of course. It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet? Roz: The radio station. Niles: Ah, I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again. [then, to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday. Frasier: So I see. [reading:] "Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes." Roz: [noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show. Niles: Not very flattering either. Towards the end he even attacks your "dimwitted sidekick call screener." Roz: [appalled:] That's me! Niles: Oh, now I remember you! Frasier: [reading:] "It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's show - his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self- congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock- sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling cult." Niles: It's continued on twelve. Frasier: I've read enough! Waiter: [asking:] Can I get you something? Frasier: [to Niles:] How can the man think something like that? Waiter: It's my job, I'm a waiter. Frasier: We don't want anything, thank you. Roz: Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll blow over. Frasier: Oh, perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me, to retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best response is no response at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Radio Station. Soon after these comments he is already shouting into his microphone about the recent newspaper report. Frasier: [angry:] "Pompous and sanctimonious," am I?! Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences! Every five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots." Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the crayon he writes this drivel in! Roz, who looks like she has been listening to him rant for quite a while, tries to steer him back to the show. Roz: Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification. Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! [to Roz:] Now what line did you say Stewart was on? Roz: He hung up. Frasier: Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today. Let's see who's on line five. [he presses button:] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening. Derek: [v.o:] Good, because I was listening too. Frasier: And you are? Derek: Derek Mann. Frasier: [regretting:] I see. Derek: Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League twit. So what do you say we settle this like men? Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me? Derek: I'm not implying, I'm saying. Frasier: Fight, as in a fist fight? Derek: [sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each other! So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough? Frasier: [thinks] We'll be right back after these messages. Frasier signs off for commercials as we fade out. End Of Act One. (Time: 11:05) Act Two. Scene One - Radio Station. The scene resumes where we left off. The commercials have finished and Frasier gets back to his radio show. Frasier: And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line: Derek Mann. Derek: [v.o:] So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to fight me or not? Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious. Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken. Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line? Roz: Well, lines one through eight are people who think you're chicken. Derek: You're chicken, Crane. Admit it! Frasier: I am not chicken! Derek: [squawks like a chicken] Frasier: We are mature thinking people, not cavemen! Derek: [squawks some more] Frasier: Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight! You just say the time and place! Derek: Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old statue. Noon tomorrow. Don't back out! Frasier: I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?! [SCENE_BREAK] ET TU, EDDIE? Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. That evening Martin is searching through his old case as Daphne passes him. Daphne: Having a look at that old murder case again? Martin: Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos. Daphne: Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look. Daphne has a look at the photo of the girl. After a while her psychic powers kick in. Daphne: Her name was Helen. Martin: Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it on some of my papers I've had lying around here. Daphne: No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture. Martin: You're putting me on. Daphne: She had a lot of men in her life. Martin: No kidding: she was a hooker! Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers. Martin: [surprised:] That's amazing. She did have four brothers. What else are you getting? Well, come on, tell me more. Daphne: I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet. Martin: Give it a try, will you? Please. What else are you getting? Daphne: Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait. I see a man. Martin: Yeah? Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat. Martin: Yeah? Yeah? Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the door... At this moment, a well-dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing tips and a trench coat - it's Frasier. Frasier: Hello, everyone. Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed. Frasier: What's going on? Martin: Well - unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve - nothing much! Daphne: We heard your show today. I just loved the way you handled that Derek Mann. Martin: You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him. Frasier: [worried:] Yes I did, didn't I? Martin: I can't wait to see that. Frasier: Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad. Martin: What are you talking about? Frasier: Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I stand to benefit by going through with actually going through with a fist fight? Martin: Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged you and you're backing down? Frasier: Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences. Martin: A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the way I brought you up. Frasier: Are you encouraging me to fight? Martin: You bet I am - you gave the guy your word. Frasier: Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even had lunch yet. Martin: I might have known this would have happened. It's Billy Kreizel all over again. Frasier: What did you say? Martin: Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe. Frasier: I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty years ago. Daphne: Who's this Billy Kreizel? Frasier: Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me! Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut. Frasier: Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer! Martin: Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight after school. Only "Patches" here didn't show up! Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson! Martin: You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a cop, too. Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for years. Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they used to say, "What's the matter? You got a clarinet lesson?" Daphne: [wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the clarinet lesson? Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment! Daphne: [gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a lot in this house. She exits to the kitchen. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier: [sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation is not the same now. Martin: It's exactly the same. Frasier: I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a certain position in this city - I do not settle my differences with brawling. Martin: The man challenged you and you accepted. Frasier: Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come home with a black eye. Martin: I just want you to do what you said you were going to do. You know, you can talk about your medical school, your intellect, your place in this city, but you know what? It's all one big clarinet lesson... I can't even look at you. Martin exits to the kitchen, angry with his son. Frasier is left with little dignity and looks at Eddie for a little support. However, even Eddie turns his face away from him. Frasier can only sulk. [N.B. Billy Kreizel is the name of a boy who bullied director David Lee in the sixth grade.] [SCENE_BREAK] REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT Scene Three - Café Nervosa. The next day, Frasier is preparing for the big fight whilst chatting with Roz. Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me. Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story? Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned. Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight? Roz: Your shoe's untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard. Niles: [enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there. Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with balloons... Frasier: All that's missing is a mariachi band. Niles: They're setting up. Roz: Well, I better go find a great place in the crowd. I'll be off to the left, Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and want to throw it to a beautiful senorita. She leaves the Café. Niles looks at Frasier. Niles: Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you doing this? Frasier: It's Billy Kreizel. Niles: [looking around:] Where? Frasier: [shakes head] He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away from him when I was ten. Niles: I remember. Frasier: You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is where it stops. I'm not running anymore. Niles: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets? As he says this, he takes his nail file out of his coat pocket and buffs his nails. He blows on them and offers the file to Frasier which he refuses. Frasier: [sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence! Niles nods in agreement and exits the café. Martin enters. Martin: Hey, there. Frasier: Dad? What are you doing here? Martin: Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe went over the line. Frasier: Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do - well, you're wrong. You can relax. I took this on for myself. Martin: Good. Frasier: Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway? Martin: Oh, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son. They smile. Daphne enters. Daphne: Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter. We're getting a freebie. Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome? Daphne: Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong. Frasier removes his jacket and tie. Niles comes in. Niles: Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see. [points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper, that's Derek Mann. Frasier: He's gigantic! Daphne: [looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back! Martin: Are you sure you want to go through with this? Frasier: Yes, yes I am. Frasier throws a few shadow punches to loosen himself up. Martin: Good, you'll be fine. Just remember this is a street fight and not a boxing match. So fight dirty and throw the first punch! Daphne: I found that a swift knee to the groin usually does the trick. [cocky:] If you have any doubts, check with a fellow in Manchester named Nigel Tavers. Niles: [begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view... Frasier: [stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll only make me nervous. Martin: Whatever you want. They all wish Frasier good luck. As he exits the mariachi band strikes up. They all move over to the window to look out. Martin: They've got a mariachi band out there! Niles: I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summer barbeque. Daphne: Oh look, they're starting the fight. Martin: Nah, they're just circling, sizing each other up. Come on, Frasier, if you're going to hit him, hit him now! They all shout encouragements, then police sirens are heard. Niles: Is that the police? Martin: Yeah, what are they doing here? Daphne: They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started. Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force. The officer marches Frasier right into the Café. Frasier: Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my jacket. Officer: Relax, I'm not arresting you. But I'm warning you that in this town we don't settle our differences with street fights - no matter who you are. Frasier: Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me. Officer: Okay. [exits] Frasier: Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello... God, I feel great! Martin: You did good. Frasier: Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that... Martin: I know you were. You would have kicked his butt! Daphne: From here to Tacoma. Niles: [shouting:] I think we should celebrate! Everyone, a round of victory lattes on me. As the gang celebrate, Martin walks up to the officer on the door. Martin: Thanks Harry, I owe you one. Officer: No problem, Marty. Martin: You cut it pretty close, though. Another minute, then Frasier would have been sidewalk litter. He would have been lunch meat. Officer: Say, some of the guys are getting together later at Duke's. Why don't you come along? Martin: Yeah, maybe I will. And you know why I will? Because the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore. Officer: What the hell are you talking about? Martin: [embarrassed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:10) [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment: Eddie is sat on a chair staring at a picture of Frasier looking mad. He doesn't take his eyes off him.

After being insulted on Frasier's show following a bad review, newspaper columnist Derek Mann challenges Frasier to a fistfight. Although Frasier agrees in the heat of the moment, Martin is angry to later learn he has no intention of going through with it. After learning of the shame he put Martin through when he ducked out of a similar situation as a child, Frasier resolves to meet the challenge.

fd_Queer_As_Folk_04x11

fd_Queer_As_Folk_04x11_0

[In the opening scene, we see Drew Boyd, freaking out during the photo shoot for the Brown Athletics underwear ad.] Drew: (talking into his cell) I don't give a sh1t. I need to talk to him now! (Pacing around) Stuart. I can't do this. Brian: What the f*ck is going on here? Photographer: Your subject is being most uncooperative. Ted: He said he made a big mistake. He's talking to his agent. Brian: Well, did you remind him that he has a contract? Ted: Yeah, I did remind him. Drew: No, I'm not gonna grin and bear it! You're gonna get me out of this! Brian: Anything I can do to help? Drew: Yeah. You can get me my pants. Brian: Before I do that, why don't we discuss your concerns? Drew: There's nothing to discuss. I'm not doing it! Brian: It's a little bit late for that, isn't it? Drew: I'm Drew Boyd. I call the shots. Brian: Except when I have the ball. Drew: I'm feeling kind of exposed, you know? I'm not used to standing around in my shorts. Brian: What about in the locker room? You stand around in a lot less. Drew: In the locker room everyone's showing their ass. [Brian smiles. Cut to Drew posing in his underwear, the photographer snapping away. Panning around the room, we see that everybody's in their underwear. Most everybody's in black, but Brian's wearing those long gray jockey shorts. And Ted has boxers.] Ted: Christ, he's hot. What a pity he's straight. Brian: Well, even if he weren't, do you think he'd f*ck you wearing those? (He casts a derisive glance at Ted's boxers). Ted: I wasn't expecting to be standing around in my shorts. Brian: I don't know if he's gonna sell any underwear, but he sure as hell is gonna sell a lot of Kleenex. [Cut to post-coital Emmett and Drew in a motel room.] Drew: Once I got used to everybody staring at me in my shorts, it got to be a real turn-on. Emmett: But only I know what's under them. Guess we'd better get up! Drew: What's your hurry? Emmett: Well, soon as we're through you always bound out of bed and race to the showers, so I just assumed - Drew: I wanna just lie here. Emmett: You sure? Drew: You see me moving? Emmett: (settles back down, with his head on Drew's rock hard abs) Mmm...what's the world coming to? First a kiss, then stickin' around... next thing you know, you'll be asking me to the big game. Yeah, I said too much, didn't I? Drew: You know the rules. Emmett: I know. What goes on in this room is between you, me and the four walls and must never leave here under penalty of death. Drew: You got it, sport. [He smacks Emmett's butt and gets up to take a shower.] [Michael frantically tries to reach Hunter on his cell phone, while Ben grades papers.] Michael: Straight to voice mail. What's the point of getting him a cell phone if he's not gonna pick up? [Just then, the prodigal foster son returns.] Michael: That's me going off in your pocket! How about answering it for a change? Hunter: What's up your ass? Michael: It's past 11:00. Ben: You missed your curfew again. Where you been? Hunter: Studying with a friend. Michael: Every night this week? Hunter: We're working on a project. Ben: Who is this friend? Hunter: Someone from school. Ben: And the project? Hunter: It's for science. Michael: Penicillin's already been discovered. What have you found? Hunter: What's with all the f*cking questions? Michael: We would like an honest answer. Hunter: I told you the truth. If you don't wanna believe me, that's your problem. [He slams into his room.] Michael: I hate to say it - Ben: You don't have to. I know what you're thinking. Michael: If he's out hustling again, I'll f*cking rip his balls off, as my dear mother would say. Ben: Let's hope we've instilled more self-respect in him than that. Michael: After the way he's been acting? Ben: Whatever it is, we'll find out eventually. Michael: Then what? Ben: We'll just have to deal with it. [Lindsay is a jittery mess. Her hands are shaking so badly that she can't even get the key in the lock to open up the gallery. Sam strolls up, smoking a cigar.] Sam: Need any help? Lindsay: No. Thanks. I can do it. I do it every morning. (She drops the keys). sh1t! [Sam picks up the keys, bending down painfully.] Sam: My back's been killing me ever since I did that goddamn mural. Hope Michaelangelo had a good chiropractor. Why haven't you returned my calls? Lindsay: I've been busy. The show's been a huge success. Isn't it great? Almost everything sold. Sam: Another month of alimony payments! My wives will be eternally grateful. I want to see you. Lindsay: I can't. Sam: Why not? Lindsay: Why not? Try, 'I'm married.' I have a child and another one on the way. Oh, and did I happen to mention lest we forget that I'm a lesbian? Sam: Did I mention that you sure don't f*ck like one? [Lindsay closes her eyes briefly, draws a deep breath.] Lindsay: Jesus Christ, Sam. Why do you have to be so crude? Sam: You didn't mind the other night, rolling around on the floor, rutting like a - Lindsay: What happened the other night was a mistake. A huge mistake. Sam: Was it? Lindsay: Yes, it was. Look, Sam. You inspire me. You challenge me. You make me laugh. I admire you so much. I guess I got confused, you know? And I crossed a line I shouldn't have. Sam: When I was a kid, I didn't respect the lines. In my coloring books, I always crossed the lines. I didn't play the rules at all. I don't think that's always such a bad thing. Lindsay: For an artist, no. But for a person, sometimes it makes sense to read the manual and follow instructions, dull as that may sound to you. Sam: What about the part of you that secretly yearns for something else, the part of you that both of us know is there? Lindsay: My house has many rooms; I occupy but a few. The rest go unvisited. Sam: Who said that? Lindsay: I did. [She enters the gallery.] [Apparently, Vic left some furniture to a local AIDS hospice in his will. Vic's furniture is delivered by the rather unlikely team of Michael, Justin, Ted and Melanie.] Guy: Nice chest. Michael: I think he's talking to the furniture. Guy: [looking at Justin] That too. Michael: Uncle Vic brought this to the hospice as well. Director: He was always a good friend and a great supporter. [Mel and Ted enters the hospice.] Direcotr: [to Mel] Oh, I can't tell you how much we're appreciate this. We need all the help we can get. Mel: Hopefully this new event coordinator will come through. Director: He'd better. Ted: They say he raised over $1 million for a hospice in Cincinnati. Director: A million? My God. If we raise half that, we'll be in heaven. [At the diner, Deb calls out to a guy sitting at the counter reading the sports section.] Debbie: Hey, Freddy! How about those Ironmen? Are they somethin' else? "Freddy": (in a gruff voice) Yeah, they're something else, alright. Debbie: You oughta take something for that cold. [She peeks behind the paper. It's not Freddy; it's Emmett!] Debbie: Emmett! What are you doin' with the sports page?! Let me get you the style section, honey! Emmett: No, no, Deb! These days, the sports page will do me just fine. [A cop sits down at the counter.] Cop: Hey, Deb. Debbie: Hey, Bob. I haven't you seen an age. Where have you been? Cop: Well, I had some trouble, but I'm on my feed again. So you see Carl? Debbie: No, not lately. Cop: You're there tonight? Debbie: Where? Cop: Policeman's ball. He took you last year. Debbie: Yeah. Cop: I remember. You're looking real nice. Debbie: Thanks. I guess he must be taking someone else. Emmett: Excuse me, officer? Anyone can go to the Policemen's Ball, am I correct? Cop: Anyone who buys a ticket. I'll take the Pink Plate Special. Only make mine blue. [He wanders off.] Debbie: Don't tell me you're thinkin' of goin'. Emmett: If I can find a date. Debbie: Good luck. Emmett: Hey - what about you? Debbie: Me? What are you, out of your f*cking mind? Emmett: Why not? Debbie: You just heard, Carl's gonna be there! Probably with that lady he's been seeing. Emmett: So? That's no reason not to go! In fact, all the more reason to be there! Show him what he's missing! Debbie: Not much. Emmett: Now, now! Let's keep our self-esteem - and our tits - up. Debbie: Even if I wanted to go, "with my tits up," I've got nothing to drape 'em in. Emmett: Just leave that to your fairy god- no, I'm not even gonna say it. Too trite. However [waves straw like magic wand], you will look fabulous. I guarantee it. [Wracked by guilt, Lindsay confides in the one person least likely to judge her. Who needs a minister or therapist when you've got Brian?] Lindsay: What have I done? Now he wants to see me again and of course I told him no, it's out of the question. I can never, never do that again. Brian: Is he hung? Lindsay: Brian! Brian: I'm just curious. You're the last person I ever thought I'd discuss dick with. Lindsay: This isn't about dick! Brian: Since when? Lindsay: I love Melanie. Brian: Sure you do. [He puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder.] Lindsay: How could I have - Brian: f*cked a guy? Lindsay: It's not possible! Brian: It's possible. Explaining it is the tricky part. Lindsay: But I've always been - Brian: A carpet muncher. Lindsay: Except for that one time in college when you and I - [Brian looks away, pained; he'd rather not be reminded.] Lindsay: But that was just - Brian: Midsummer madness. [They both laugh.] Brian: Still, there is a part of you that, once every decade or so, doesn't object to a stiff prick. Believe me, I understand. Lindsay: I'm not so sure Melanie would. Brian: Then don't tell her. Lindsay: You're a big help. Brian: Hey. It's okay to like cock! And it's okay to like pussy, just not at the same time. So - which one do you like? [He shows her the pics of Drew.] [Hunter pays a visit to Mikey at the comic store.] Michael: Well, look who it is! Come to shoot the breeze? A little heart-to-heart? Spend some quality time with your dashing new dad? Hunter: I need $20. Michael: What do you want it for? Hunter: My upwardly mobile lifestyle. Being a teenager is expensive. Michael: You should have thought of that before you became one. Hunter: So can I have it? Michael: Why should I reward you for missing your curfew and being disrespectful to us? Hunter: How the f*ck am I being disrespectful? Michael: By not telling us the truth. Hunter: I told you! [Michael shows him the money.] Michael: I'm not above paying for information. But first you've gotta come clean. Hunter: I took a shower this morning. Michael: Are you hustling? Hunter: If I was hustling, would I be asking you for 20 bucks? Michael: Good point. (He starts to give Hunter the money, then takes it back). But then again, maybe you're just trying to throw me off the track. Hunter: For Christ sakes. I'm kind of dating someone, okay? Michael: Really. Hunter: Yeah, really. Is that so hard to imagine? Michael: No, not at all! It's great - but why didn't you say so? Hunter: You know how kids are at my age. We're trying to develop a sense of self, which often manifests itself in a reluctance to communicate with parents and other authority figures. Michael: Here's $30. Go to the movies. Hunter: Sweet! [He grabs the money and leaves. The minute he's gone, Michael phones Ben.] Michael: Ben? I hope you're sitting down. Guess what? Our boy has a boyfriend. [Deb and Emmett at the Policemen's Ball. Deb is, um, resplendent in a red gown.] Debbie: Are you sure I don't look like a fire hydrant? I wouldn't want any dogs to make a mistake! Emmett: You do not look like a fire hydrant. You're positively glowing. Debbie: Never mind glowing. Long as I'm not radioactive. (She catches site of Horvath, with a dowdy brunette dangling from his arm). sh1t! There's Carl! What do I do? Emmett: What do you mean, what do you do? Just stand there and glow! [He fake laughs and pulls Deb over to engage her in fake animated conversation. Carl and the Other Woman approach.] Debbie: (with hearty fake surprise) Oh, hi, Carl! Carl: Debbie. Emmett. What are you doing here? Debbie: Well, it's a ball to raise money for the cops, isn't it? I've always had a soft spot for men in uniform. Emmett: And I've always had a hard spot! [That earns him a sharp jab in the ribs from Debbie.] Carl: Debbie, Emmett, this is Katherine, the person I told you about. Katherine: Nice to meet you both. You're certainly just as colorful as Carl said you were. Debbie: Thanks. Katherine: If you excuse me for a moment? [There's an awkward pause.] Emmett: Can I bring you a drink? Debbie: Yes. [Emmett leaves.] Carl: I - uh - I wasn't expecting to see you. Debbie: I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable. Carl: No, no! I like - I mean, it's nice - I don't know what the hell I'm tryin' to say. Debbie: You look very handsome. Carl: You look very - Debbie: Red. [They both laugh, which breaks the ice a little.] Carl: I'm glad to see you're gettin' out, enjoying yourself. Debbie: Well, life goes on. Got no choice but to go on with it. [she listening a song] That song. They played it last year. Carl: Yeah, they play it every year. They oughta get some new material. Debbie: We danced to it. Carl: I know. Debbie: You're very good on your feet. We could take a quick spin around the floor. As friends, of course! [Just then Katherine returns. She takes Carl's arm with a proprietary air.] Katherine: (to Horvath) Shall we go now? Carl: Sure. Katherine: Nice to meet you, Deb. [Carl and Katherine walk away, arms around each other, leaving Deb standing there alone. Just Emmett comes back, carrying too many drinks. Deb looks forlorn.] [It's Bike Night at Babylon. You heard right. Not Dyke Night, bike night. It's a fundraiser for the Liberty Ride. Ted and Justin are walking around with clipboards, soliciting donations.] Ted: Sign up here for the Liberty Ride! If you can't ride, we gladly accept donations. How we doing? Justin: 37 riders so far. And one guy offered me $1,000 if I'd show him my cock. Ted: I hope you said yes! [Justin has the check to prove it. Ben and Melanie are emceeing the event.] Ben: Can we have your attention please, everyone? Mel: Thank you so much for coming out tonight in support of Liberty Ride! [Cheers from the crowd.] Ben: The profits will be going to help keep the Liberty House hospice open, so let's try and raise as much money as we possibly can! [More cheers from the crowd. But not from Brian, who's standing there drinking a bottle of beer, a cynical expression on his face.] Mel: In order to do that, the Center has enlisted one of the top fundraisers in North America. A man who gave up a lucrative law practice in Toronto to make millions for various organizations with his walkathons, danceathons, marathons, triathlons - you name it, he's found a way to make money out of it. Ben: We're fortunate to have his help and support, so let us introduce you to - Jeffrey Pendergrass! [More cheers.] Jeffrey: Thank you all very much. It's great to be here in Pittsburgh! I'm grateful to the Gay and Lesbian Center and all of its supporters for asking me to help make this the best and most profitable event ever. So I hope you all sign up, get on your bike and cross the finish line, but tonight, let's all have a good time! [More applause from the crowd, a kiss from Mel and a handshake from Ben. Everybody loves Jeffrey Pendergrass - everybody except Brian, that is. Brian is leaning against the bar when Pendergrass comes up for a refill.] Brian: Buy you a drink? Jeffrey: It's an open bar. Party's on me. Brian: Nothing is free. Jeffrey: (offering his hand) Jeffrey Pendergrass. Brian: Brian Kinney. [They shake.] Brian: Just an observation, Jeffrey, but wouldn't the money that you're spending here tonight saying "hello, Pittsburgh hello!" be better spent keeping the hospice open? Jeffrey: Actually, Brian, I find when the drinks flow freely, so do the donations. Mel: This guy bothering you, Jeffrey? Jeffrey: No, not at all. Just revealing some of my underhanded business practices. Well, I better go work the room. Hope we can count on your pledge, Brian. [He shakes Brian's hand again.] Mel: What the hell was that all about? Brian: You know me, Mel, always stirring up the sh1t. [Hunter and somebody making out in an SUV. It's a girl! We later learn that her name is Callie.] Callie: You want me to suck you? Hunter: Uh... no. That's okay. Callie: Has everybody ever sucked you before? Hunter: Yeah. Callie: A lot of girls? Hunter: No. Callie: I've only done it twice. Once at summer camp and once with my lunch boyfriend. You don't think that makes me a slut, do you? Hunter: Hardly! Callie: Besides, it's not real s*x. Ever had real s*x yet? Hunter: Not really. But I think about it. Callie: Me too. But I promised to discuss it with my parents first. We're like best friends. How about yours? Hunter: I don't think I'll tell them. Callie: How come? Hunter: They're not like your folks. Callie: In what way? Hunter: They're two guys. Callie: You mean they're gay? That's so cool! Hunter: I don't know how cool they'd be if I told them about you and me. Callie: Well, they don't expect you to be gay just because they are? Hunter: I don't know! Callie: Well, I'll be glad to tell them you're straight if it ever comes up. [They go back to making out.] [Lindsay is sitting in bed in her jammies, drinking tea and trying to read a book. Melanie returns from the Babylon fundraiser.] Mel: Hey. Lindsay: How did go? Mel: Oh great. Jeffrey Pendergrass will help us raise sh1t out of money. Lindsay: That's good. Mel: Sad that you weren't there. Lindsay: Me too, but I had a steam headache. Mel: Any better? Lindsay: A little. Mel: I blame Sam for it. Lindsay: What? Mel: Well, the show, living to his expectations as well as yours. But you did it. [Mel tries a massage on her shoulders.] Lindsay: That feels nice. [Mel goes up to her breast.] Lindsay: Mel. Mind if we do it later? Mel: Sorry. I'm just the ordernary pregnant demon. I look it on Gus. You want me to get you hot tea? This one is cold. [She stands up and leaves. Back sits a concerned Lindsay.] [Deb and Emmett in the diner.] Debbie: I kept my tits up, just like you said. I practically threw 'em at him! It didn't do much good. Emmett: Don't despair! You'll just have to think up another way to get his attention, that's all. Debbie: Well, we better think fast, because that woman's got 'marriage' in her eyes! [Ted comes in waving a ticket.] Ted: I've got an extra ticket for the Ironmen's game on Sunday! Who wants to go? [Dead silence in the diner.] Ted: I've got an extra ticket for "42nd Street." Who wants to go? [There's a chorus of "Me! Me! Me!"] Ted: Just testing. How about you, Em? Skybox! A thank you gift from the star quarterback himself! Emmett: I don't think so. Ted: C'mon, you're the one who turned me onto him in the first place. Ever seen him play? Emmett: Not on the field. Ted: He's fast and he's strong. Emmett: Much as I'd like to go, I promised I wouldn't. Ted: Promised who? Emmett: But then again, how many seats does that stadium hold? Ted: I don't know, 80,000? Emmett: 80,000? Wow. Hardly pick out a face in that crowd, huh? [He takes the ticket.] Debbie: Say, Teddy, I was just wondering. Do you think you could score an extra pair of those tickets for me? Ted: I could try! Debbie: I have a friend who might like to go. [Jeffrey Pendergrass pays an unannounced visit to Brian at Kinnetik.] Brian: What? Cynthia: [via phone] "Mr.Pendergrass wants to see you. He says he doesn't have an appointment." Brian: He wants to hit on me. Cynthia: [via phone] "Who doesn't?" Brian: Except you wants money. Send him in. Cynthia: [via phone] "OK." Jeffrey: They tell me you're the guy to get into bed with. Brian: Well, you'll have to come back after office hours for that. Jeffrey: I know you're a busy man, so let me cut to the chase. Brian: Christ, I hate that expression. Jeffrey: I understand you're one of the most successful gay businessmen in Pittsburgh. Brian: Whoever told you that was dead wrong. I'm THE most successful gay businessman. Jeffrey: All the more reason then. I'd like your clients to be corporate sponsors for the Liberty Ride. Brian: I see. Let ME cut to the chase. What's in it for them? More important, what's in it for me? Jeffrey: Two very good questions. [He pulls up a chair and makes himself at home.] Jeffrey: First, your clients' contributions will generate publicity and good will that advertising can't buy, plus they'll be cultivating product loyalty in a market that has hundreds of billions of disposable income. Brian: I already know that. My second question: What's in the Cracker Jack box for me? Jeffrey: A very personal thank you from me and a warm, gooey feeling inside. Brian: (laughs) Oh, Jeffrey, you disappoint me! I thought you'd come up with something more original than that. So - do we have time for one last question? What's in it for you? Jeffrey: A living. Brian: Finally, an honest answer. How refreshing. Jeffrey: Anything wrong with that? Brian: Not at all. I'm all in favor of people making money. What I'm not in favor of is telling others how to spend it. Jeffrey: It's for a worthy cause. Besides, they can afford it. Brian: Very true. But that's not a reason why they should give it to you. Jeffrey: Well, how about this, then? It wouldn't be very good for your clients' PR if they were perceived to be homophobic. And it wouldn't help your reputation much if word got out that you were insensitive to the neediest members of your community. Brian: Why, Jeffrey, are you turning the screws on me? Jeffrey: Of course not. I'm merely pointing out why it's so important that we all open our hearts and checkbooks and give as generously as we can. [SCENE_BREAK] [So as we cut to the skybox at the Ironmen game. We see that Drew (No. 7) scores a touchdown that ties the game. Deb and Horvath get so swept away in the moment that they let their guard down and kiss. They pull apart, a little embarrassed.] Debbie: Some play, huh? Carl: I'll say! I can't believe you got these tickets for the Skybox. Debbie: I'm glad you're having a good time. Carl: To tell you the truth, I'm not. Debbie: (alarmed) You're not? Carl: I'm havin' a GREAT time! Debbie: I hope Katherine doesn't mind. Carl: That I went to the game with a friend? Emmett: Can you believe this is the first time in my life I ever went to a football game? Ted: Easily. Emmett: I had no idea it was so exciting! I feel like we're back in ancient Rome, y'know, sitting in the Coliseum, watching the gladiators, wearing those fabulous off- the-shoulder togas - Ted: Somehow I picture us more as lion chow, but I'm glad you're enjoying it. You haven't taken your eyes off of Drew Boyd since we sat down. Emmett: That's just because he's such a dynamic, powerful player. Ted: Admit it, you're in love with him. Emmett: (indignantly, like a 12 year old girl whose best friend accuses her of having a crush) I'm not! Ted: After seeing him in his underwear, I have to confess: so am I. [Emmett see's that Sierra comes in the Skybox. He tries to escape unrecognized.] Emmett: Oh my god. Ted: What? What's the matter? Emmett: Nothing. C'mon, let's go. Ted: No, there is 30 seconds on the clock with tied score. Sierra: Emmett! Hey you! Emmett: Oh hi, Sierra! Sierra: What are you doin' here? I didn't think that Football isn't your thing. Emmett: I'm here with my friend Ted. He is the one who did pictures for the underware ads. Sierra: Oh, so you're the one who's responsibly for the women Drew wants. Ted: Not to mention about the certain percent of the males population. Sierra: [to Ted] I'm Sierra, Drew's fiancee. Ted: Oh congratulations. He's quite a guy. Sierra: Guess it seems I landed on the big one. Emmett: You certainly did. But it's nice to see you again. Sierra: Where you goin'? Drew were so disappointed if you didn't stop by the locker room to say hello. Emmett: I'd love to, but we are here with friends. Sierra: They can go with us. Carl: I can go see the team?! [On the field Drew scores another TD. The Ironmen wins with 1 TD.] Sierra: OK, everyone follow me. [Cut to Michael and Ben.] Ben: Why wouldn't he just come out and say that he has a boyfriend? Michael: You know how kids his age are. He's trying to develop a sense of self, which often includes not communicating with parents. Ben: We're not other parents. We're hip. We're coool! [He puts on a beanie, crosses his arms, does the punk rock symbol and sticks out his tongue. Very cute. Just at that moment, Hunter comes home.] Hunter: You think so. Ben: Hey, pal! Michael: I ordered our favorite, Mighty Man Meat! Sausage, pepperoni, meatball, ham and bacon! Ben: Ouch! Michael: Not to worry. Mushroom and tofu for you. Ben: So, dude, what's new? Hunter: Nothin', dude. Ben: That's not what I hear. I hear you got a friend. Michael and I want you to know that we think it's great. I wish I had a boyfriend when I was your age. Michael: All those missed blowjobs! [Hunter looks very uncomfortable and we know why.] Ben: So what is he like? Is he smart? Bookish? Muscular? Athletic? Hunter: All of the above. Ben: Have you two had s*x yet? Hunter: No! Ben: It's OK - we're all gay men here. Because if you do, it's important to protect him as well as yourself, especially considering your HIV status, you have a responsibility - Hunter: Don't worry! I'll be careful. Michael: So? When do we get to meet him? Hunter: I dunno. Michael: We're very open-minded. It doesn't matter if he has tattoos, body-piercings - he doesn't, does he? Hunter: Look - I don't have a boyfriend, OK? Michael: What do you mean? You told me - Hunter: I told you I had a friend. I didn't say it was a boy. Ben: Well, if it's not a boy, it's a - [Some things are too awful to contemplate. He can't actually get the word out.] [Post-game. The cameras are flashing. Drew comes from the lockerroom.] Sierra: Hey, hon. [they kiss] Drew, this is Carl and Debbie. And you remember Ted. Carl: It's a real thrill, Mr.Boyd. Drew: Call me Drew. Carl: Drew. Ted: You were amazing, Drew. Drew: Thank you. Debbie: I say'll and cute to. So, when's the wedding? Sierra and Drew: June. [Emmett stands a little besides them and doesn't look happy.] Sierra: Sweetheart, look who's here. Emmett Honeycutt, remember? He planed our engagement. Drew: Yeah, sure. If you'll excuse me. I'll take my honey home and chill out. [Brian pays Jeff a visit in his posh hotel suite. Jeffrey is wearing a fancy monogrammed bathrobe.] Jeffrey: Champaign? Brian: No, thanks. It makes me puke. I'm serious. I can knock back a dozen tequilas, no problemo. But one glass of that stuff and it's "Ou est la toilette?" Jeffrey: That's too bad. Champagne is really very - Brian: Expensive. What is it, $220 a pop? Jeffrey: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and, um - Brian: Please. Be my guest. [While Jeffrey is in the other room getting dressed, Brian catches sight of a slew of gift bags lined up on the table.] Brian: Something tells me I'm in the wrong business! Jeffrey: (from the other room) Why's that? Brian: The suite, the champagne. Seems like charity work's where the big bucks are these days. Jeffrey: Like I said, it's a living. Brian: Yeah, a very good living. [Jeffrey comes back into the room, dressed in gray shirt and slacks.] Jeffrey: So. I assume you've given our conversation some thought. Brian: Yeah, I've thought about it. But before I get into bed with someone, I like to do a little research. You just can't be too careful these days. Jeffrey: Isn't that the truth. So what'd you find out? Brian: That you're a hell of a fundraiser. Jeffrey: (laughs) I'm sorry you wasted the legwork there. I could've told you that. Brian: (picking up a cracker with caviar) Do you mind? Jeffrey: Be my guest Brian: It seems that the organizations don't see much in the end, what with fancy hotels, champagne, caviar, lavish kickoff parties which by the way, the charities pay for, not you. Jeffrey: For how hard I work and for that amount I bring in, I deserve a nice lifestyle. Besides, everyone profits. Tax writeoffs, good will, publicity. What's the problem, as long as everything's on the up and up? Brian: What about Denver? Jeffrey: What about Denver? Brian: Well, didn't some local AIDS organization sue you for swindling them out of money that you spent on yourself? Jeffrey: Those were totally legitimate business expenses. Office, travel - Brian: (Proffering the cracker) More caviar? Jeffrey: No thanks, I - what are you saying, Brian? Brian: Just that when some earnest do-gooder blows into town and starts threatening me unless I help them, I have a legitimate reason to ask a few questions. And get a few answers. Jeffrey: Those accusations were totally untrue and unsubstantiated. And what they didn't tell you is that they still made a quarter of a million even after my share. Brian: Imagine what they would've made before it. So we'll just make sure that every cent you raise here in provincial little Pittsburgh goes exactly where it's supposed to go. [Mel and Lindsay's house. Someone rings on the door.] Mel: Got it! [to Gus] Look who's here. It's Sam. C'mon in. Sam: Thanks. Is Lindsay home? Mel: Yeah. LINDS! SAM'S HERE! Congratulations to the show. I've heard it was a snap. Sam: Oh, they always are. But this one I think it was Lindsay. [Lindsay came from above] I'm up to Milan. Lindsay: That's be a step up from Pittsburgh. But I doubt you find a decent bagles either. Sam: I just want come and say goodbye. Lindsay: Why we don't walk to your car? I'll be right back. [In front of the door.] Sam: I couldn't leave without - Lindsay: Yes, you could and you should. Right now! Sam: Without even saying goodbye? Lindsay: I'm sure there must be dozens of women you f*cked without saying goodbye. Sam: That wasn't just a f*ck. It meant more than that - Lindsay: Would you just stop? Please. Sam: I want you to come with me. Lindsay: What? Are you crazy? Sam: Damn proud of it, too. Look. I've had more ex-wives and mistresses than Sears has tire centers. Lindsay: I'm sure they'd be pleased to hear themselves compared to a steel-belted radial! Sam: If you'd met 'em, you'd realize I was complimenting them. But I've never felt like this. Look. Just sleep on it. I can send you a ticket. Lindsay: I have a family, Sam. Right there. On the other side of that door. Sam: That's not all you are. There's so much more to you than that. Why don't you let me show you? Lindsay: No! This IS who I am. And even if a part - a very tiny part of me - wanted something else, I'd still choose to stay here. Now I want you to go. [He kisses her on the cheek and leaves.] [Horvath brings Deb a quirky gift to thank her for taking him to the football game.] Carl: I brought you this Persion melon from Chile. Debbie: Well, that's very strange, Carl, but sweet. Carl: We were investigating a murder near the fruit and vegetable market so I - Debbie: Don't tell me those killer tomatoes are at it again! Carl: I just wanted to give you something, as a thank you for taking me to the game. Drebbie: My pleasure. Carl: And for meeting Drew Boyd. Wow, I still can't get over that. Debbie: Yeah, he's really something. Carl: So are you. For being such a good friend, I mean. Debbie: I'll always be your friend. Could I offer you a friendly slice of melon? Carl: No, thanks. I gotta be going. Debbie: Maybe we could do something else friendly sometime. Carl: Yeah, I'd like that. Debbie: Like bowling or fishing - Carl: Or this. [He kisses her.] Debbie: Was that a friendly kiss? Carl: Yeah, I guess you could say that. Debbie: In that case, it could be a little friendlier. [They kiss again, this time like they really mean it.] [Cut to the Motel, where Emmett is lying naked in bed, waiting for his man. He holds a condom in his hand. Cut later in the night, someone goes in front of the door, but it's not Drew. Cut later, Emmett lies alone in bed and drinks beer. But Drew never shows.] [Lying in bed, Michael and Ben have a conversation that many other parents of teenagers have had before them - with a slight variation on the theme.] Michael: Do you think maybe it's just a phase? Maybe he hasn't met the right boy. Ben: Substitute right girl and that's just what my parents said when I told them I was gay. Michael: What about all the men? He's had s*x with more guys than you and I put together. Ben: His mother got him started on that and it was always for money, not love. Michael: So you think it's really true? Ben: Sounds like he's discovered who he really is. And he's not gonna change anymore than you and I could change who we are. Michael: But what are we gonna do? I mean, talking about girls - women - I wouldn't know the first thing. I've never even slept with one. Ben: I have, once or twice. Michael: Really? Ben: Mm-hm. Michael: How was it? Ben: 'Salright. Got a hard on and everything. Suppose I performed adequately at least no one complained, but I also remember thinking, why are guys so obsessed with this? What's the big deal? Michael: I guess that was the first clue. Ben: I also liked to wear my mom's dresses. [Michael looks at him.] Ben: Just kidding. Michael: So we're both pretty useless when it comes to guy stuff. Ben: Someone else will have to show him where the "g" spot is. I never could find it. Michael: He could ask Mel and Lindz. I'm sure they know where it is. Ben, do you think he'd be better off with straight parents? Ben: What? Michael: People who'll understand him? Ben: We understand him. He's still Hunter, gay or straight. It doesn't make a difference. Michael: It may not make a difference to us, but what about him? [At Woody's, naturally the football game is on. Emmett and Ted are there.] Ted: You see Drew? Christ, what a man. He can do anything. Run, throw, block. Emmett: Or gain like a piston. Or even f*ck me. And he did me ever, in all possible way. Ted: What are you drinkin'? Emmett: Nothing, unfortunately. You want to know, Drew and I have been an affair. Ted: [looks serious to Emmett and then he laughs] No! No, you don't. No, no, no, you said you can gave me back that time when I said I meet Greg Logano this time in Barbardos under water. You believe me, but... no. Emmett: I'm serious. [Ted looks at Emmett again. He isn't laughing and he stops.] Ted: C'mon, you expect me to believe... But th...tha...that's impossible! He's straight. Emmett: Tell my ass that! We're meeting three times a week in some motel. I swore to him I never tell. But now it's over. And the worst part of this is, I was falling in love with this son-of-a-bitch. [Brian and Justin donate Brian's Barcelona chair to the AIDS hospice.] Justin: [to Brian] Your Barcelona chair would great in the living room. Brian: Thanks for reminding me. Justin: I got Brian to donate this $2,000 Barcelona chair. Brian: Withholding s*x has worked for centuries. Director: Thanks, but before we can redecorating we gonna need a rufo for our heads. You know the guy who's organizing the Liberty Ride? Justin: Jeffrey Pendergrass? Director: He was supposed to be at a meeting last night at the Center. When he didn't show up, they called his hotel. He'd checked out. Justin: Checked out? Director: It seems he resigned. Brian: What about the donations? Direktor: He sent a letter saying that they almost, but not quite, covered his expenses. Justin: Oh, sh1t! Director: The one thing we have, even when he didn't have funds were hope. And now, we don't even have that. [Brian's looking in the living room and sees the poor people in their last months.] [Mel runs into Lindz.] Lindsay: Where were you up to? Mel: Lamaze. Lindsay: Why didn't you say something? I'll be there in a minute. Mel: No, no need. Michael's meeting me there. Lindsay: Michael? Mel: He's a very good coach. Lindsay: I'm sure but what about me? Mel: I figured you had business in the gallery. Lindsay: Sam's gone. Mel: But not forgotten. I watched you two from the window. That was a very touching goodbye scene. Lindsay: He's my friend. My mentor. Mel: He's awakened things in you. Your desire to paint, to express yourself. Anything else? [Long silence. Lindsay's guilty face says it all.] Mel: You don't have to tell me. I know. You don't live with someone for nine years and not know. Lindsay: Mel - Mel: I don't wanna hear any of your bullshit explanations. Lindsay: I wasn't gonna offer any. What's important is it reconfirmed for me that this is who I am. That my life is with you and Gus and the baby. That I still choose you. Mel: Well, that's very convincing testimony. But I'm not so sure that I still choose you. [She leaves the room. A shocked Lindsay starres there. Fade to black.]

Brian goes head-to-head with the fund-raiser hired by the Center. Hunter leads Ben and Michael to believe he might be hustling again. Debbie tries to woo Carl back. Sam isn't ready to give up on Lindsay. Emmett and Drew continue their affair.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_04x03

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_04x03_0

[Scene: Capeside High, classroom. Dawson and Joey are in English class and the teacher is discussing Shakespeare.] Teacher: The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Not one of the bard's best, but an interesting apprentice piece nonetheless. In the high-spirited Silvia, we see the first version of a character we're later going to come to know as Juliet. In the 2 male characters Proteus and Valentine— [Drue plays with Joey's hair] Joey: Next time, I draw blood. Drue: It's your own fault. I'm new here, and you're not being very nice to me. Joey: I'm not trying to be. Drue: But then again you don't strike me as very popular, so you can turn around now. You're of no use to me. Teacher: I hate to interrupt, Miss Potter, but maybe you could tell us what the two gentlemen of Verona is all about. Joey: Uh, well, it's a— Teacher: could you raise the volume a notch? I don't speak mumble. Joey: It's about a girl who comes between 2 guys. Teacher: Right you are. 2 guys, a girl, and no pizza place. [no one laughs]Uh, how did the play make you feel, Miss Potter? Joey: I didn't think it was very realistic. I mean, Valentine is this cardboard-cutout hero, and Proteus is unfairly painted as a villain. I just think these scenarios are actually a lot more complicated. Dawson: [Chuckles] Teacher: Mr. Leery, do I sense an opposing viewpoint in your little chortle? Dawson: No, no. It was nothing. Teacher: Please, please. Elaborate. Dawson: Well, um, I don't think it's a story about a girl coming between 2 guys. I think it's about the friendship between the 2 guys. Joey: Which fails when the girl comes between them. Dawson: It fails because one friend betrays the other. I mean, Proteus is a lousy friend. Joey: Valentine isn't such a great guy. I mean, he's so fixated on his honor that he totally loses sight of everything else around him. Dawson: He was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. He gave up the girl he loved. You think that's a bad thing? Joey: I think nothing about this topic is black and white, Dawson. [Drue raises his hands] Teacher: Drue. Drue: Gene and roger here have a fantastic energy, but they're sort of all over the place. Now I for one would love to see them engage in a prepared debate about the merits of the play. Joey: Would you mind your own business? Teacher: I think that is a splendid idea. I've never generated so much heat out of what is arguably Shakespeare's worst comedy. And you know what would make it even better? If you teamed up with them, Drue, threw your own viewpoint into the mix. I look forward to a lively debate from the 3 of you... Tomorrow. [Opening Credits] [Scene: Inside Gram's kitchen. Jen comes out of her bedroom and walks into the kitchen sher Grams is there holding an umbrella.] Grams: Jen, look at that. It's almost time for me to be picking you up at school. Jen: I'm not even an hour late yet. That doesn't break my record. Grams: Skipping school is no way for a young lady to handle her problems. Jen: I had a lot of any femme music to weed through this morning, and I happen to resent the interruption. Grams: Those songs you listen to only exacerbate your sadness. Jen: Well, then you're missing the point 'cause I'm not sad. No, I've moved on from sad. I am currently in the thick of pissed off. Grams: Good! Then you'll recognize my attitude if you pull this routine one more time. Jen: What happened to the kinder, gentler grams? I miss her. Grams: Oh, Jennifer, I'm not so old that I don't remember how important seeing your fall term is. Jen: Old enough to call it fall term. Grams: Much of what your next 4 years will be decided now, Jennifer, and I will not let a momentary heartache squander any opportunities you may have. I'm hereby putting a 48 hour cap on your melancholy. Jen: You can't cap my melancholy. Grams: Watch me. Now here. Stay dry. Jen: Have you looked outside today? 'Cause it happens to be beautiful. Grams: Today is a red-letter day in the farmer's almanac. Rain is definitely predicted. [Scene: Capeside High Hallway. Dawson and Joey are walking out of class and stop by her locker.] Dawson: So, leery manor or the B&B? Where you want to get together? Joey: Dawson, are you ok with this? Dawson: Well, rather than debate the awkwardness of the situation, I'd much prefer we just got it over with. Joey: Ok. Well, um, I have to work. So you're going to have to come down to the yacht club. Dawson: Ok. Are you going to be able to, uh, focus down there? Joey: Ha. Yeah. The place is a tomb on Thursday nights. Well, except for one old geezer who always shows up for the prime rib special. Dawson: All right. Sounds cool. I'll see you later. [Pacey walks towards them with Jen and upon seeinf him, dawson leaves] Pacey: Someone couldn't have high-tailed it out of here fast enough. Joey: And you are in such a race to start conversation with him? Jen: Mmm. She's right, Pacey. One day one of you is going to have to put an end to this great era of silence. Pacey: But not me and not today. Today I am celebrating. Joey: Celebrating? Jen: Pacey done good. Pacey: Oh, Pacey done very good. Pacey got his first "A." Joey: Hmm? Good omen, yeah? Pacey: And I couldn't have done it without you. Joey: I was but a mere study aide. Pacey: Sure you were. So now, you're going to come sailing with me this afternoon, because this afternoon is the absolute last beautiful day of the season, and you have been conscripted to be my deck hand. Joey: I'd love to, pace, but I have a project to do. Pacey: Put it off for one day? Joey: It's due tomorrow. And... Pacey: Am I missing something here? Joey: It's with Dawson. It wasn't planned. It was assigned. Pacey: Well, isn't that cute? Jen: I'll go with you if you want. I mean, maybe the open horizon will serve to lift my spirits a bit. Huh? Pacey: Really? Jen: Yeah. Joey: There you go. Willing victim. Jen: Oh, 2 things. First of all, I absolutely refuse to make out with you, and second of all, there's a distinct possibility that I'll puke. Joey: What do you know? Those are my 2 things. [Scene: Andie's Bedroom. Andie is there fixing her hair when Jack walks by her door.] Andie: Hey, wait! Jack, Jack! Come here. Jack: Ok. Andie: So. Up like this? Or down? Jack: Don't ask me hair questions. Andie: Jack! Eh, you know what? Down. It's more relaxed. You know, I've got that interview today at the yacht club, so... Jack: I didn't know you were looking for a job. Andie: Duh, Jack! College interviews. Jack: Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. It's that time. Andie: For those of us who started the application process, yes. Jack: This one for Harvard? Andie: No. Uh, you know, that guy Drue? Well, his mom, Miss Valentine, she's one of the alums of the backup schools I'm looking at. So, uh, you know it's always crucial to make a good first impression. [Andie almost falls over.] Jack: Whoa! Andie! You ok? Andie: Yeah, yeah. I just got a little dizzy. That's all. Jack: Here. Why--here. Sit down. Andie: Yeah. Jack: It's that new drug you started, isn't it? Andie: Yeah, Nardil. Yeah, it's actually working pretty well. Better than anything else I've tried. Jack: I know this is preventative, but are you sure you're ok with it? Andie: It is a little scary, but it's just like dr. Newman said-- "in times of high stress, it can't hurt to have an extra line of defense." Jack: You can always try my tactic. Just forget altogether that you're a senior. Andie: [Laughs] yeah, right. Only, I wasn't born with those genes. Ok. How do I look? Jack: Like you should be interviewing her. [Scene: Dawson's living room. Mitch and Gale come downstairs and sit on the couch, wrapped in blankets and carrying tissues. Dawson walks in to the room behind them.] Dawson: Oh, so you're sick now, too? Mitch: Uh, I got the sniffly part. Gale: Oh, I still got that nauseous part. Dawson: Well, you know, maybe if you two kept your tongues out of each other's throats for 2 seconds, you'd stop passing this thing back and forth. Gale: Take a good look, honey. This is marriage. Dawson: All right. I've got to go to the yacht club. I got some homework to do. Mitch: Mmm. A sociology report on the wealthy? Dawson: No. I've got a project to do with Joey. Wasn't our idea. We got assigned. Mitch: Are you ok with that? Dawson: Why does everybody treat me like my head is going to spontaneously explode every time her name is mentioned? Gale: Because it did. Dawson: 3 months ago. Which in teenager time is like a decade. Joey's got her life and I've got mine. Gale: And Pacey? Dawson: I see you've joined dad in your great Pacey watch 2000. Sorry I don't have any updates. Oh, except for the fact that he seems to hate me even more since I let Joey know about his grade situation. Thanks for the tip, pop. Mitch: You did the right thing. Dawson: Well, I'm all out of right things as far as Pacey's concerned. You guys want me to get you anything before I go? Mitch: No. On your way out, would you shut the windows back there? The wind's starting up. Dawson: Will do. All right. [Scene: On the deck of the True Love. Pacey and Jen are sailing around. Enjoying the beautiful weather.] Jen: It'll be hard as hell to turn this boat around and come back to reality. Pacey: That's an understatement. Jen: Oh, you can just forget about the world out here. Pacey: Yeah. You could almost forget that your girlfriend's spending the entire afternoon with her ex-soulmate. Jen: Pacey, you know, I am probably the last person on earth that you should be out here with. Pacey: Oh, that's not true. Ever seen Dougie in a Speedo? Jen: I mean, I love you and Joey, but if you're having doubts whether a teenage couple can sustain a relationship, I'm probably not the best person to talk to. Pacey: Lean over! Jen: Oh, what's that? Pacey: That is a gift from the gods. Jen: Did you check the weather? Pacey: Yeah, of course. I checked it this morning, and it said that the storm system is headed up the coast, but it's going to pass us right overhead. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Dawson, Joey and Drue are sitting around a table talking about the debate they have to give.] [Cell phone rings] Drue: Hello. Hey, gorgeous. Dawson: Unbelievable. Joey: Unacceptable. Hello. Gorgeous is it? Hi. Yes. This is Drue's doctor, and he's going to have to get back to you when the syphilis clears up, ok? Bye-bye. Drue: That was rude. Joey: Oh, ruder than taking cell phone calls when we're supposed to be working on a project that you got us into? I don't think so. Drue: Excuse a brother for picking up on the intense, dare I say, sexual vibe between the two of you. Must be the Star Wars thing. Dawson: Star Wars Thing? Drue: Star wars thing it's classic. You are obviously Luke to this Pacey guy's Hans Solo. See, you're the stuff of pre-teen daydreams. Cute. Smart. Non-threatening. Which is great and all, but not for princess Joey here who's clearly smack dab in the middle of her bad-boy phase. Dawson: And where do you fit into this whole scenario, Drue? Joey: Jabba the Hutt, I think. [Mr. Brooks comes into the room.] Mr. Brooks: Hmm. Hmm. Ahem. Joey: Hello, Mr. Brooks. Mr. Brooks: My usual table please. Joey: Mmm. Sorry, it's taken. Mr. Brooks: If the opening act is over, I'd like to sit down now. Joey: So will you be having the prime rib special this evening? Mr. Brooks: Yes, and I'll have it quick. I want to get my boat home before the storm. Joey: Storm? Mr. Brooks: A weather phenomenon where the skies darken and rain falls. Joey: Um, I'll be back with your water. [Joey goes to get his water and finds Drue at the bar watching TV.] TV actors: Sorry...Quick. No, no, no. It's my fault. I didn't— Joey: Mr. Brooks said that there's a storm coming. Drue: Mr. Brooks lives alone on the edge of town with a 3-legged dog named boo. Joey: Well, have you seen any storm reports? Drue: Nope. [Gun shots on TV] you'd think those things would impede her ability to use an Uzi. Joey: Just let me know if you hear anything. [Cell phone rings] Drue: Hello. Hey, gorgeous. Nah. Don't worry about it. She's crazy. What's going on? [A message about the storm goes by the bottom of the TV] [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club office. Andie is there getting her interview from Mrs. Valentine.] Mrs. Valentine: Well, Andrea, your academic record is certainly outstanding. Andie: Thank you. Oh, and Andie's fine. Mrs. Valentine: Oh, a nickname. How charming. Any idea what you'd like to study in school? Andie: Well, everything. At least at first. History. Philosophy. English. You can never underestimate the value of a well-rounded liberal arts education. Mrs. Valentine: If you could have dinner with one person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Andie: Eleanor Roosevelt. Mrs. Valentine: Ohh. Most students say Jesus. Well, let's see. You worked on the yearbook, the newspaper, you directed a play. Andie: Yes. Barefoot in the park by Neil Simon. It was completely a pre-feminist, but it held up surprisingly well. We took sort of a— Mrs. Valentine: I see only one red flag here. At the end of your sophomore year you took a medical leave of absence? Andie: Yes, I did. Um, but I was able to make up my finals, and none of my grades suffered. Mrs. Valentine: Nothing serious, I hope. Your illness? Andie: I was having some emotional problems. Mrs. Valentine: Emotional problems? So this was a mental illness? Would you like some tea, dear? Andie: Sure. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey and Dawson are sitting at the table trying to go over the debate items.] Joey: I just think that if Valentine and Proteus came to some mutual understanding... Oh, god. What? Dawson: Joey, we are trying so hard not to talk about Pacey, he's become the subtext of this whole damn play. What do you say we just get it out in the open once and for all? Joey: Ok. Let's. Dawson: Pacey and I are not going to be friends again. End of story. I know everybody seems to think that it's time we made up, but that's not going to happen. Joey: Well, since you did bring this up, why not? Dawson: What's done is done. Joey: After 10 years of friendship, what's done is done? Dawson: No, after the greatest betrayal of my life, what's done is done. Joey: Dawson, I was a part of that betrayal. Dawson: Yes, and you apologized for it. You really showed some sort of remorse for what happened. Pacey could care less. Which is fine. It's just not the kind of person I'm going to race out and be friends with again. And it's time for everyone to just accept that reality and move on with their lives, starting with you and me talking about this play without referencing him. [Thunder] Can we do that? Joey: Yeah, ok. Dawson: What? Joey: I'll be right back. [Joey goes to the bar, where Drue is still sitting. She grabs the remote and starts changing channels.] Drue: Oh, anxious much? Joey: You're supposed to be watching this. Drue: Whoops, I forgot. [Mr. Brooks comes up to them.] Mr. Brooks: Ahem. I want my check. Excuse me. Joey: Just a second. [Sighs] Mr. Brooks: I'm leaving for home this instant, and I want my check. Joey: Drue, can you get him his check? Drue: Notice my reclining state. That would imply I'm not working. Joey: Would you get him his check?! Weatherman: We have not seen a storm like this in over 30 years. We'll have another weather update at the top of the hour. [Scene: The deck of the True Love. Jen and Pacey are starting to get a little worried about the weather.] Pacey: Man, this came up out of nowhere! Jen: I thought you said the storm was heading out to sea! Pacey: Well, it did. Jen: It did, but it came back! Pacey: Well, if someone hadn't used all the batteries on the portable marine band, we could have got the storm report! Jen: Yeah, well, if somebody owned something other than Zeppelin tapes 1 through 4, we wouldn't have needed the radio. Pacey: Hold this. Let me grab the jib sheet. Jen: Got it. Pacey: Let me set the course, I'll get on the vhf, and then we'll get the weather report. Jen: You'd never be first to admit it. Pacey: What? Admit what? Jen: You'd never be first to admit it's getting scary! Pacey: This is nothing. I've seen this before. Jen: Where, in the perfect storm? Pacey: Nah. I saw something like this off of Nags Head this summer. We'll just get the weather report, find out where the worst of it is, and go around. [A wave washes over board and some water goes into the boat shorting out the radio.] Jen: Ok. Oh! Aah! Pacey: Did that happen in Nags Head? [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club office. Andie is still interviewing for the school with Mrs. Valentine.] Andie: I guess I would say that my greatest strength is my tenacity. Which is probably my greatest weakness, too. My brother jack is always telling me I don't know when to quit. Mrs. Valentine: I see. But what about your illness? Isn't that a weakness? Andie: No. Actually I consider it a strength. It taught me the importance of being able to ask for help when something's too tough to handle on your own. We seem to keep coming back to this topic, don't we? Mrs. Valentine: Is that a problem? Andie: No. Not at all. In fact, most teenagers go through similar experiences. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just that I prefer to concentrate on the present and the future. It's just one part of my life. It does not define me as a person. Mrs. Valentine: Well, although I'm sure you consider yourself recovered, perhaps someone with your background would do better in a less competitive environment. Andie: Less competitive? Mrs. Valentine: Perhaps a state school. Andie: So, you want to disregard all of my accomplishments and achievements because I had a problem in the past? Mrs. Valentine: Andie, try and understand the position you've put me in. I've been given the task of judging your ability to handle the ardent pressures of one of the most difficult collegiate environments in the country. My name is on the line. Andie: You know what? You're right. My background does have a bearing on my ability to handle pressure. I had a problem, I recognized that, sought treatment, and recovered. And the fact that I had the courage to face my problems and get help I think only makes me better prepared to face the pressures of college than most of my peers. [Thunder] Mrs. Valentine: [clears throat] I wish you all the best. And now, if you'll excuse me. [Scene: The bar at the Capeside Yacht Club. Joey, Drue and Mr. Brooks are watching the TV.] Weatherman: Folks, this means severe beach erosion, 20 to 30-foot seas, and winds that'll certainly exceed hurricane force in certain areas. Mr. Brooks: Did he say hurricane force? Weatherman: With gusts over 100 miles per hour... Joey: He said exceed hurricane force. Mr. Brooks: Damn it! I'll never get home now. [Dawson walks up to them carrying his books.] Dawson: Joey, I'm outta here, if you actually want to work later, let me know. Joey: Dawson? They're out there. Dawson: Who's out there? Joey: Pacey and Jen are out on the boat. Dawson: All right, no wonder you've been so out of it. Why didn't you say something like an hour ago? Joey: Well, it wasn't this bad an hour ago. [Jack come into the bar from outside.] Jack: Hey, guys, have you seen Andie? I'm supposed to pick her up here. Andie: Hey, jack, I'm here. Jack: Look, I came early. It's really getting ugly out there. Andie: Not half as ugly as it got back there. [Bruce enters the bar are from outside] Bruce: Whew. Drue. Yeah? Where's your mother? Mrs. Valentine: What's the matter, Bruce? Bruce: All the boats from the club are secure at the docks except for 3, and those 3 have radioed in their position, and they'll need assistance into the harbor. Joey: Is one of those boats the True Love? Andie: The True Love is out there? Bruce: There's no slip registered under that name. Jack: Whoa, whoa, Pacey's out there? Joey: Pacey and Jen. Look, Pacey doesn't have any registration. He always just uses whatever slip is vacant. Bruce: Well, I haven't heard anything of the True Love on any of the radio bands. Joey: Look, I know that it's out there. It is definitely out there. [Window shatters] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The deck of the True Love. Pacey is looking at the pump when Jen comes inside to join him.] Pacey: crap! Well, the radios are definitely blown, but I think I got this bilge pump working. Aren't you supposed to be on watch? Jen: There's nothing to watch out there but water. Pacey: Oh, man! Jen: Damn it, Pacey! The boat's going to capsize! Pacey: She's not going to capsize, all right? Jen: Really? Then why am I flat on my ass?! Pacey: She'll come over. All right? It's what she does. There you go. Just put that on, all right? Jen: All right. Pacey: I'm gonna have to reef the main. Jen: English, please? Pacey: We're gonna have to trim up the mainsail so that we don't get knocked over again. Jen: Isn't that just gonna slow us down? Pacey: No, we're not going back into port. It's too dangerous. We might hit a dock or another boat. Jen: Wait, so, what--we're just gonna hang out here and catch some rays? Pacey: No, we'll go to this little cove I know and ride out the storm. It'll give us some protection. Jen: What cove? Pacey: I don't know the name of it, but I know where it is. [They climb out and he begins taking down the sail.] Jen: Well, how far away is it? Pacey: Not that far. We'll ride out the storm there. It's the safest thing to do. Jen: Pacey, what happens if this gets worse? Pacey: It's not gonna get any worse. Jen: Pacey! Pacey: If it gets any worse, they'll send someone for us. Jen: We have no radio, and we're heading for a cove that you don't know the name of. Who the hell is gonna find us there? Pacey: Dawson! Dawson will know. [Scene: The bar of the Capeside Yacht Club. Dawson, Joey, and Bruce are there.] Bruce: There are 3 boats at the mouth of the port trying to make their way into the harbor. Joey: But you just said yourself none of those boats are the True Love. Bruce: Yeah, well, we're escorting them in one at a time. If your friends are out there, we'll get them back safe and sound. Joey: Pacey wouldn't come into dock in this weather. There's no way he'd risk his boat. Bruce: No sensible person would stay out there in this. Dawson: There's a cove right off of Crescent Island. We waited out a storm there once when we were kids. That's where he is. Bruce: Yeah, but at this point, in this weather, Crescent Island would provide very little protection. Dawson: Well, he doesn't know that. Bruce: How could he not know? Joey: Well, obviously his radio is broken. That's why no one has heard from him. Bruce: I'm sorry, but I can't send someone miles out to sea in hurricane force winds because you've got a hunch. Andie: You have to listen to him. Bruce: All right, let's get these boats in. And if we still haven't heard from them, I'll send someone looking for your friends. Joey: Well, what if it's too late? Bruce: I'm sorry. That's the best I can offer at this point. [He leaves] Dawson: They're there, Jo. Joey: Well, what can we do about it? Dawson: Go get them. Now. Do you know if there's a boat I can borrow around here? Joey: Uh, I think Mrs. Valentine has a spare set of keys to all the boats at the club. [Drue enters carrying some keys.] Drue: Which is why it's always a good idea to be nice to Mrs. Valentine's little boy. Try slip 41, the Artful Dodger. Don't let the old geez see you. [Scene: The deck of the True Love. Jen and Pacey are trying to handle the boat through the storm.] Pacey: We rode out a storm together in this cove up here. Jen: How the hell are we gonna get through intact? Pacey: You grab the tiller. I'm gonna drop the mainsail. [Jen begins to take down the main sail.] Jen: You got it. Oh! Uh, Pacey. Here. Come on. [Scene: The docks of the Yacht Club. Dawson and Joey are walking down them towards Mr. Brook's boat.] Dawson: I'll radio in when I know something. Joey: If you think you're going without me, you're high! Dawson: Joey, you're not coming with me, and that's not negotiable! Joey: My boyfriend's out there. Whatever your reason for doing this... Dawson: ...Is my reason! Joey: Dawson, you can't solo the open seas-- not in this weather. Dawson: Joey... Joey: Look, I can't worry about the both of you! Dawson: Let's go. Untie the dock line. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Mrs. Valentine is trying to figure out what to do, while Andie, Jack, Drue and Mr. Brooks are with her.] Mrs. Valentine: Ok, get down. Everybody just get down. Mr. Brooks: Down on a floor covered with glass? Somebody ought to clean up this mess. Mrs. Valentine: Well, where's the waitress? Drue: You didn't know? She and Dawson went after Pacey and Jen in Mr. Brooks' boat. Mr. Brooks: What, they stole my boat? Andie: No, no. I'm sure they didn't steal it. They probably just borrowed it. Mr. Brooks: Semantics. Like the difference between jail and prison. Andie: Ok, um, um, Jack. Look, I'm gonna go to the marina office and try and get in contact with them. Uh, you, uh, board up the windows. If you can't find any boards, then just shove some tables up against them, ok? Jack: Yeah, you got it. Mrs. Valentine: You can't just move the tables. Jack: Yeah, watch me. Andie: Yeah, do you have any other suggestions on how to keep the storm out? No, I didn't think so. Um, ok, why don't you write? 555-0154, 555-0130. That's Dawson Leery's parents, Jen Lindsay's grandmother. Call them. Reassure them. Can you do that? Mrs. Valentine: Yes. Yes. I can do that. Andie: Ok, um, Mr. Brooks, I need you to come with me. I'm going to need your boat's frequency if I'm going to be able to get in contact with Dawson and Joey, ok? Ok, and, uh, you. You know what? Why don't you find a broom or mop or something and sweep up the glass? Drue: You want me to sweep? What do I look like to you, huh? Andie: You know what you look like? A boy with nothing productive to do. Now find a broom. [Scene: Inside the True Love. Jen and Pacey are trying to stay calm during the storm.] Jen: Hey, Pacey, tell me something good. I really want to hear something good right now. Pacey: Well, how 'bout if you're going to have a hole in your hull, it's good to have one up that high. Is that good? Jen: All right. Unless, of course, the boat does that. Pacey: The bilge pump'll take care of that. Jen: How do you know? Pacey: Jen, I don't know. And I don't know because I'm guessing. Just like I've been guessing about everything else this afternoon. But sooner or later, I gotta be right about something. I mean that's the law of averages, right? I have to get one right. Jen: Stop making fun. It's not... Pacey: All right, but, you got any better ideas? Jen: I got one. We should be doing that, uh, that confession thing. You know, like they do in movies before the...If the plane's about to hit down or the meteor's gonna crash into North America, and all the characters confess the secrets that have been plaguing their mortal souls. Pacey: Uh--uh, yeah. Unfortunately, those characters rarely survive those confessions. Jen: All right, so we just step it back a notch. No confessions, just, um...Regrets. Pacey: Well, unfortunately, I can't help you there 'cause I don't have any regrets. It's not the way that I operate. Jen: Really? You have no regrets? There's nothing you would want to change? Nothing? Pacey: No, there's nothing I want to change because it's life's little twists and turns and bumps and bruises that make you who you are, so why regret that? Jen: All right, well, I have a regret... I regret that I've never been in love. Pacey: Well, what about Henry? Jen: Eh, that wasn't love. Couldn't have been. Yep, my big regret is that we may drown before I ever know what love is. Pacey: Jen, you're not gonna drown. Jen: I--I don't need the comfort. Just felt good to say. Pacey! Pacey: You ok? Jen: [Laughs] yeah. Pacey: We're good. We're ok. I do have one regret. Jen: What? Pacey: I regret the way that things are between me and Dawson right now. Jen: Have you ever thought about saying something? Aah! Pacey: What difference would it make to say something? It doesn't change any of our situations. Jen: Well, it might just feel good to say. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Andie and Mr. Brooks are talking to Joey and Dawson over the Radio.] Andie: Any sight of the true love, over? Joey on radio: I can't even see in front of our boat. Over. Andie: Where are you? Over. Joey: I think we're-- we are not lost. Andie: What's your location? Over. Dawson: We're 142.49 north by 106.19 west. Mr. Brooks: That's 12 miles north of Kalispell, Montana. Andie: Repeat your coordinates. Over. Dawson: We're 10— Andie: repeat your coordinates. Dawson, Joey, are you there? Come in, Dawson, Joey. Are you still there? [Cut to Joey and Dawson on the Boat.] Joey: Andie. Andie? Are you still there? We've lost them! Dawson: That's all right. We're almost there. Joey: How can you tell? I can barely even see the tip of my nose out here. Dawson: Trust me! Joey: There they are! Dawson: Yeah, that's them! Joey: I hope they're all right. Dawson: I'll pull up alongside, and we'll lash the boats together. Joey: Careful. We're going to hit! [They end up running into the True Love trying to get next to it.] [Crashing] Jen: Jeez, I think we hit something! Pacey: Or something hit us. You all right? Jen: Yeah, I'm fine. Jen: You're right! It's a boat! Pacey: It has to be Dawson. Come on! Joey: Pacey, Jen, are you all right? Pacey: We are now. Dawson: Pacey, take the line. Pacey: Got it. You ok? Joey: Come on. Pacey: Jen, you're gonna have to jump. Joey: Watch out! Pacey: Be careful. Jen: I can make it. Pacey: Here, hold on. You ready? Jen: All right. [Just then a huge wave washes over the top of the True Love.] Both: Aah! Pacey: Now, you gotta time the jump. Ok. Get ready for the wave to break and then you jump over to Dawson. You got it? Jen: Ok. I'm ready. Joey: We're right here! Good job. Ok. Dawson: Now you! Pacey, come on, let's go! Pacey, let's go! Pacey, are you crazy? Pacey: I'm not leaving my boat! Dawson: You're not gonna make it! Pacey: I'm not leaving my boat! Dawson: I'm not leaving you! Joey: What are you doing? [Dawson jumps over to the True Love] Dawson: Aah! Jen: Aah! Dawson! [Girl screams] [coughs] Joey: Dawson! Pacey: Dawson... Get off of my boat! Dawson: I'm not letting you do this! Pacey: Dawson, go! Dawson: Pacey! Pacey: Get off my boat! Go! Dawson: People care more about you than you care about this damn boat! Joey: Pacey! [Pacey just looks at her, and then Dawson and Pacey jump over to the other boat together. Pacey just watches his boat disappear as they sail away.] [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club docks. Dawson is backing Mr. Brook's boat back into the dock, and there are people greeting people as they return to shore. Grams, Mitch and Gale are there waiting for them.] Woman: Dear. Woman: Oh, my god, thank god. Gale: Are you guys ok? Dawson: Hey. Gale: Oh, honey, oh. What you did was reckless, dangerous, and completely foolish. Mitch: And we've never been more proud of you in our entire lives. Grams: Come, come, Jennifer. Thank god. Thank god. Jen: Oh. Wrong guy, Grams. It's Dawson you should be thanking. Mr. Brooks: I know you'll forgive me for not expressing joy and relief at the sight of the gash on my boat's hull. Dawson: Uh, I'm very sorry about that, sir. Mr. Brooks: Sorry? You're sorry? Well, the gash is still there, and sorry isn't gonna fix it. What else did you have in mind besides feckless regrets? Dawson: I have some money from the summer that I was saving for college. Grams: Which is exactly what you will keep on doing. That boat is a thing. A replaceable thing. This young man risked his life to save my granddaughter, and the fact that you can't appreciate his courage explains to me why you've lived all alone all these years in that god forsaken house, and if I find out that you let him dip into his college fund, I will personally kick your shriveled old butt. [Scene: Inside the Capeside Yacht Club. Andie and Jack are getting ready to leave when Mrs. Valentine comes up to them.] Mrs. Valentine: Andie? Andie... I just wanted to tell you i was very impressed with the way you handled yourself today. Andie: Thank you. Jack: Yeah, she did more than handle herself. She handled the whole club. Mrs. Valentine: Indeed. She did a fine job. Jack: Yeah, she did your job. Andie: Ok, jack. Come on, let's go. Mrs. Valentine: The university will be very interested in hearing my impressions of you. Andie: I'm also pretty sure the university will be very interested in hearing what a bitch they have representing them. Mrs. Valentine: Yeah, I— Andie: I'm terribly sorry, but please try to understand the position you've now put me in. Mrs. Valentine: You wouldn't dare. Andie: No, you know what? I wouldn't... Because at the end of the day, Mrs. Valentine, I am nothing like you. I don't derive any pleasure in wielding whatever little power i have over others. So, you know what? Just give me the recommendation that you see fit, because if anyone at that university knows you half as well as I've gotten to know you, it's not gonna count for much anyway. Come on, jack, let's go. [Scene: Outside on the docks. Pacey is just looking at the sea, and Joey comes up to join him. Joey: Pacey... Do you have any idea how pissed off I am at you right now? Pacey: No. The best memories of my life are on that sailboat. It represents everything that's good to me in this world, so... You just gotta excuse me if I'm having a bit of a hard time letting all that go right now. Joey: No, I won't excuse you. I don't think I've ever been so scared for someone in my whole life. Pacey: I'm sorry that I put you through that. Just... Joey: Can you do me a favor? You know, in the future when you're dealing with life and death matters, um... Remember that you're thinking for two. Pacey: I can do that. Joey: [Sighs] so, you knew he was gonna come for you, didn't you? Pacey: What makes you say that? Joey: 'Cause you know him just as well as he knows you. It's the nature of best friends. Pacey: Mmm, no. Ex-best friends now. Joey: You know... Whether you guys hang out or not, he's still a part of you, pace. How can you really be whole if you continue to pretend like he doesn't exist? Pacey: [Sighs] yeah. [Pacey walks her to her truck, and Camera pans to Dawson just watching them walk together, as his father comes up to join him.] Mitch: Just doesn't seem fair, does it? Dawson: [Sighs] what's that? Mitch: Well, you saved the day. You still don't get the girl. But maybe, just maybe you got something more important. Dawson: [Sighs] how do you figure that? Mitch: Well, you had this moment. No matter where your life takes you, you can look back on it and know you did a great thing. That's something that all the girls and all the thank yous in the world can't replace. Dawson: [Laughs] let's go home. [Cut to Jen and Grams walking to their car. Grams is shaking while trying to go through her purse to find her keys.] Jen: Well, way to go, grams. I always knew you had it in you, but-- really? You know what? When we get home, I have got some angry femme music that you are just gonna love. Uh... Grams? Grams: I can't seem to find my keys anywhere. I must have left them inside— Jen: grams. Grams. Grams: Oh, I didn't think I was ever going to see you again. Jen: It's ok. It's ok. Grams: No. No, it's not ok. All night, most of my thoughts were about what I was going to tell your mother. Jen: Well, you handled this much better than my mother ever would have. Grams: I have never lost... Myself like this before. All my talk of faith, and when i needed it most, I had none. Jen: That's because you lent it to me. Listen, I was terrified out there tonight... But I still had hope, you know? So, I figured that I must have gotten it from somebody. Here, I got it. I got it. Grams: Ah. Does that mean I can count on you for church on Sunday? Jen: Not unless you want that place to fall down. Grams: Just thought I'd give it a try. Jen: Come here. [Scene: Inside the Capeside Yacht Club. Jen finds Gram's keys on a table and turns to see Drue.] Jen: What are you doing here? Drue: What are you doing here? Jen: I--I live here. I have--I have for the last 2 years. Drue: So, this is where the Lindleys banished their bad seed. It's good to see you, Jen. Jen: Forgive me if I don't say the same thing. Drue: Jennifer Lindley. The girl who set New York on fire. I thought moving here was gonna be the most miserable mistake of my life. Jen: I'm sorry. You live here now? Drue: You might want to sound a little more upbeat when you say that. A guy could take offense. Jen: Drue valentine in Capeside. God help us all. [Scene: Dawson's back yard. Dawson is out cleaning up the yard after the storm, as Pacey comes walking up the pier to join him.] Pacey: Dawson... Uh, look, I wanted to come by and just— Dawson: Pacey, you don't owe me anything. Pacey: Please. You and I both know that what you did yesterday was— Dawson: was exactly what you would have done. Pacey: Maybe, maybe not. Dawson: Trust me, you would have done exactly the same thing. Pacey: Well, I certainly hope so, but... I just wanted to come by and say thank you. Dawson: You're welcome. Pacey: No, hold on a second. That's not it. There's something else i wanted to say to you. Look, I know that things between you and I are pretty much beyond repair right now, and I wouldn't presume to be able to solve everything with a conversation because that's just not the way it works... But... I've been wanting to tell you that I'm sorry, Dawson. I'm really sorry for the way everything went down this spring, for my part in it, and for the pain that it must have caused you, and... [Sighs] I'm really sorry that I ruined our friendship because I miss it badly, and uh, however far off it may be, I do look forward to the day when you and I might be friends again. So, until then, I... Dawson: Until then.

Pacey's hard work pays off and he gets an 'A' in an assignment. To celebrate, he decides to go sailing, taking Jen with him. Dawson, Joey and Drue are forced to reluctantly team up for a project, which they have to work on at the Yacht Club because Joey is working. During the evening, a huge storm hits Capeside, putting Jen and Pacey's lives in danger. Andie is also at the club, having an interview with Drue's mother for college, but her medical records cruelly prejudice Mrs. Valentine against her. When the storm gets bigger, Andie takes control of the situation and initiates the rescue of her friends. Pacey and Jen talk on the boat, with each admitting to their regrets. Jen regrets never being in love, while Pacey regrets the destruction of his friendship with Dawson. Dawson and Joey risk their own lives to rescue Pacey and Jen and in the process steal a boat from a cranky Yacht Club patron, Mr. Brooks. Pacey later gives an emotional apology to Dawson for the fact that he got hurt. Both admit that they miss the friendship and allude to a potential reunion.

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[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.] Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women? Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.) Chandler: That's a pig. Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her. (Ross enters and his hair is a mess.) Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.) Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out! Chandler: What?! Joey: Why? Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back. Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease? Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family! Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya! Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair! Joey: Yeah. Ross: You got it. Joey: Okay. Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. (Joey starts giggling.) Ross: What? Chandler: He thought you said gonad. (Joey busts out laughing.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.] Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living. Monica: Oh, Larry. Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission? Larry: No, bribes. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right? Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding. Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.) Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors. Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry. (He goes into the kitchen.) Phoebe: Yum-my! Monica: Larry? Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors. Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation. Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen. Larry: And where is your hat? Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it. (She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door...) Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points. Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show! Larry: Oh, I don't know about that. Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda. Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime. Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat. Larry: I-I'll call ya. Phoebe: Okay. (Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.) Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.) [Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.] Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon? Monica: Hmm? Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff. Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try... Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced. Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married. (Danny enters.) Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please. Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again? Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing. Danny: (To them) Hey! Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh? Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing. Monica: Ohh, fun! Rachel: Ohh, great! Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. Rachel: Yeah. Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.) Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house. Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out. Monica: And you're not gonna do that. Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it? Monica: So-so there is no party. Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me? Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you. Rachel: Exactly. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.] Joey: Ross? Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies! Chandler: Love what you've done with the place. Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here. Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't-I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine. Chandler: Oh yeah! Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back! Joey: Hey, all right! Ross: Pretty cool, huh? (They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.) Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right? Chandler: Oh, the tears are real. [Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.] Larry: You look beautiful this evening. Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again. (He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.) Phoebe: Shiny. Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been. Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop! (He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.) Larry: (coming back) We're outta here! Phoebe: Why?! Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down! Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that? Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.) Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.] Joey: Hey. Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Nothing. Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya? Joey: (smiles) Kinda. Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.) Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while. Chandler: I hate this thing! Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.] Rachel: Oh, hi Danny. Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night. Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by. Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy. Monica: You are? Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala. Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for? Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala. Danny: Really! You-you sail? Rachel: No-no, but I support it. Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night. Monica: Okay. Danny: Take care. (Leaves.) Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he? Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it! Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat. Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court? Rachel: Ball? There is no ball. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.] Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.) Joey: Sorry. (Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.) Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh... (Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.) Chandler: (entering) Hello children! Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please? Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.) Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on! (They go into his bedroom.) Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.) Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand? Joey: No, the quiet down thing! Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.) Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been p0rn? Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him! Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game. Chandler: Okay. (They start playing.) Chandler: No-no-no-no! Joey: YES!! Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.) Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here. Joey: Um-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed! Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down! Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?! Monica: I don't know, clean places? Joey: Umm, yum! (There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.) Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny. Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala. Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later? Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?! Monica: The fake kind! (She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.) Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle? Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.) Danny: Thanks, see you at the party. Monica: Okay, great! (He leaves and she closes the door.) Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.] Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings? Ross: I'll take sports. Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.) Ross: All right. Uhh, international. Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian! Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here. Chandler: Not even on page 7? Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're-hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks! Chandler: What about that circled one? Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio. Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it? Chandler: Yes, it is. Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.) Ross: Okay, let's go. Joey: Okay! Chandler: There we go! Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it. Chandler: Let's go quicker. Joey: Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.] Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.) Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub. Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place. (They don't move, just look all around them.) Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking. Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now! Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks. Joey: Yeah. (He looks at them.) Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place? Joey: Oh, it's perfect! Ross: (To Chandler) How about you? Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom. Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application. (He exits.) Chandler: We are bad people. Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.] Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner? Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely! Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right? Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no. Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's? Phoebe: Enh. Sure! Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out. Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That-this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go! (Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.) Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit? Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place. Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?! Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever? Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning. Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.] Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet! Chandler: Yes that was a nice place! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag! Joey: Yeah! (Pause.) Chandler: What are we gonna do? Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza? Chandler: About Ross! Joey: Oh! Oh! (The phone rings and Joey answers it.) Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable. Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello? (The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.) Chandler: Ohhhhh! (Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!") [Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.] Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there! Monica: Just go over and say hi. Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy. (Monica obeys.) Monica: Hey, Danny! Danny: Hey! What's going on? Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.) Danny: Salad. Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.) Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef? (Rachel returns.) Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh. Danny: Hey! Rachel! Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party. Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it. Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime. Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.) Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now? Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball? Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place! Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about. Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me? Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.) Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies. Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider! Tom: I'm sorry? Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros! Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend. Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try." (He walks off.) Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park! Monica: I think I need a drink. Rachel: Yeah! (They go get a drink.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.] Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go! Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.) (He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.) Chandler: Here we go! Here we go! (Ross enters.) Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application. Joey: You're kidding! Chandler: You're kidding, no! Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So... Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies! Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space. Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay! Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Are you guys sure about this? Joey: Definitely! Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay! Ross: All right. Joey: All right! Chandler: All right, buddy! Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver). (Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.) Ending Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.] Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! (Chandler does so.)

Rachel tries acting aloof with Danny, despite liking him. Phoebe begins dating Larry, a health inspector, but the friends are annoyed when he shuts down all their favorite restaurants after eating there. When Emily's cousin evicts Ross from the apartment he subletted to him, Joey and Chandler invite him to move in with them; his personal habits soon prove annoying.

fd_The_Office_08x23

fd_The_Office_08x23_0

Gabe: Ugh, man. My delts are blasted. I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 pound man with no fat. Dwight: Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen? [swallows powder] [coughs] There you go boys. See how papa takes care of you? [kisses bicep] Mwah. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I remember when people thought biceps were all that. They'd flex them all night at the discotheque. Dwight: Oh, I bet you think it's all about core, huh? Gabe: Yeah. Dwight: Oh, please. Gabe: Core's critical. There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by. One - lengthen. Two - elongate. Jim: Listen, guys, I think we all want to know the same thing, right? Who's the strongest? Well, there's only one way to solve that - flat curl contest. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right, here we go everybody. May the manliest man win. Go. Dwight: Feast on this, Lewis. Gabe: I love the burn. The burn is where I live. Jim: Come on, Gabe, you can't handle his hamstrings. You're getting hypno-thigh-zed. Gabe: Speed set. One. Two. Jim: Here, this is for your elbows, for your elbows. Dwight: Oh, thank you. Jim: You're welcome. Gabe: Five. Six. Jim: Quick phone call from you guys, keep going, All: Eight, nine, ten. Gabe: We got it? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Very funny Jim. Gabe: Yeah, Jim. Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies. Robert: Everyone, conference room, now. [Dwight and Gabe stand up, falling over] Jim: All right, easy there, grandpa. Dwight: I don't need your help. Jim: Okay. You don't need my help? Dwight: Here, here... Just... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Morning. Erin: Hey. Andy: Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot... these. Erin: Oh. Andy: You know the only thing more delicious than your feet is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone. Erin: Andy, if you're gonna hang out for a while, uh... Andy: What's this? Erin: This dumb rule Robert made, he just wants visitors to sign in. Andy: Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me? Erin: No, of course not. It's just - I think it's like if we make an exception for you, then we have to make an exception for the water guy, and then, it's like, where does it end? So just... [puts visitors tag on Andy] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office, they're rewarded for it, and when I do it, I am told it's a little much? ...Is it because I am not an employee anymore, because that's what it feels like. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game. Dwight: Good, we have a deal? Jim: Thanks Janet. Dwight: Thanks so much Earl. Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale. Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom! Jim: Screw 'em. Andy: Lot going on guys. What's happening? Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs. Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo. Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language. Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes. Jim: In the fridge. Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt. Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients. Stanley: You two better watch yourselves. Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients. Robert: Shh... shh... [vomits in trash can] Jim: Robert? Oscar: Why did Binghamton close? Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and - how should I say this - Columbian whites. What - what is this about, uh, Binghamton? Kevin: The branch closed. Forever. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Closing the Binghamton branch never occurred to me before today. Or, I guess, last night. But, in vino veritas as they say, I'm not gonna start doubting my drunken self now. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: I got your voicemail. From - from last night. Robert: Wonderful. Nellie: And the answer... is yes, yes, yes, yes, and never. [leaves] Robert: Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely that your brain literally couldn't hold the memories in? Pam: Oh, it was this summer - Robert: Apparently, I left a phone message for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said. Pam: Um, I am a little busy. Robert: Yes, 'course. Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me. Pam: Yeah, I can make you a list. Robert: Let's do it now. What's number one? Pam: Why don't I help you now? Robert: There we go. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [Andy cooking food by reception, Harry walks in] Harry: Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute? Erin: Jim, Dwight, what are your last names? Dwight: And you are... Harry: Harry Jannerone, Dunder Mifflin Syracuse. [shocked look from Jim] Harry: What the hell's all this? Andy: Uh, cherries jubilee over homemade gelato. Harry: You live well down here in P.A. I want to talk to you guys right now. Oh, and Lloyd Gross too. Which one's that guy? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: The salesmen have a commission cap, but we figured out a way around it. Dwight: Lloyd Gross is a fictional salesman we invented to - how do I put this - steal from the company. Embezzle. To commit fraud. Jim: Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money. Dwight: Yes. Jim: Pam made a drawing of Lloyd. He is a blend of all the salesman. [shows sketch] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [pointing at Toby] There he is. That's Lloyd. Toby: Me? Creed: Yeah, you. [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: Where do you get off crossing state lines? Toby: Now, we're actually a lot closer to Binghamton than you are. Kimosabe. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I like to think Lloyd Gross is a no-nonsense guy who doesn't back down from anybody. And he calls people "Kimosabe". [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: They're New York. We're New York. Sate line is the dividing line. That's the way it's always been. Jim: There's actually not a rule that says that. Dwight: That's true. Toby: That's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook. Oh, can I check the employee handbook Lloyd? Well, does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands? Toby: No. Dwight: Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule. I could've choked so many people by now. Harry: Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state. Toby: I've seen guys like you. Big guys who like to push the little guys around. Lloyd Gross eats bullies like you for breakfast. Harry: Just stay out of New York, Lloyd. Toby: Hey, text from the old wife. Gonna take that. [runs outside] Jim: How about this? How about we just ask Robert? Can we all agree that maybe the C.E.O should decide this? Harry: Robert's here. Look at us. Bickering like schoolgirls, looking around the room for things to hit each other with. I don't think we were doing that. Dwight: Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Where's the Advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol - Oh. Andy: [Doing dishes] Sorry, not Jim. Robert: Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you? Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida? Andy: Message received loud and clear. Just have to get the caramelized sugar off the pan before it dries. Robert: Oh, for god - Harry: Robert California. What a surprise you're here in Scranton. Robert: Harry... Harry: So why would you close Binghamton down without a transition plan in place? Robert: How do you mean? Andy: I forgot, a... a pan, uh - Harry: No, no, no, no, no, kid, stay there, do your dishes, go ahead. Robert: Harry there is a time for every decision, predetermined many years ago. There's no benefit in questioning why this particular decision seems... so poorly timed. Dwight: Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say. Harry: Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play. Prestige direct mail solutions - Dwight: Don't listen to him. Harry: Used to be Binghamton's - Dwight: Nope. Harry: I want it, it's mine. Dwight: Prestige is ours. Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail on the eastern seaboard. We get them. We already put a call into them, Robert. Harry: We need you to make a decision. Dwight: Make a decision. Robert: I have decided. Neither of you are to have any contact with either Prestige or any other Binghamton client until I have figured out how to divide things up. As Solomon once said... [Andy walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Some bizarre energy in this place today. Robert is going off the rails, making some funky decisions. Like why is nobody gonna call on Prestige? That is a huge client. [walking to car] I mean, they could give their business to the first person to walk in the door. Could be any idiot. Any idiot at all. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? [camera pans to right, Harry, Dwight, and Jim watching Robert in conference room] They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one. [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: Is it just me or is our boss a freakin' weirdo? [stands up, walks outside] I'm gonna get some air. Dwight: Jim, you know what would be really dastardly? If we snuck out of here and got to the client first. Jim: [Gets up and looks out Nellie's office window] He's running! Dwight: Damn it! Jim: Damn it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Wha - what is this supposed to be? Jim: It's a monkey. Dwight: Jim, great real. This is not a monkey. It's got a hula skirt and a blue nose. Jim: Hold on, hold on. Is this him? Dwight: What? Jim: Is that him? Dwight: It's him! Do something! Get out! Jim: What? What am I gonna do? I don't - Dwight: Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood. [Jim opens passenger door] That's it? Oh, that's great. That's like a five second delay. Jim: Dwight! Dwight: Come on, let's go! Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos. Jim: Nos? You mean like in fast and furious? Dwight: Yeah. Jim: Oh, yeah, definitely have nos. Dwight: Hit the nos. Jim: Are you sure? Dwight: Yes. Jim: Brace yourself. 3... 2... Dwight: Got it. Go. Jim: 1. Here we go! [turns on wipers] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hello. Andy Bernard to see the C.E.O. Receptionist: Oh, do you have an appointment? Andy: No, I do not. Receptionist: Okay, I think I can squeeze you in. Andy: Seriously? 'Cause I could just be anyone. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to convince you. Receptionist: He's really not that busy. Mr. Ramish: Is there someone here to see me? Receptionist: Yes, this man. Mr. Ramish: Come on in. [Andy walks in] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So...what do you make of this Robert California guy? I mean, what does a guy like that do on an average weeknight? Nellie: Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what he does. Angela:: [walks in] Hello! Hello, my clucking hens. Got room for another in the roost? Huh? Don't worry, I won't lay an egg. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela:: Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails. If? [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela:: I have been crunching numbers all day. Math is for boys. I need girl talk. Gabe: Did someone say girl talk? [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum, because I am great at girl talk. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas? I'm pretty deep into Hee-Jungcinderella girl. Although, I definitely fast-forward through the young-Tae storylines. Nellie: Do you think I'd like that, or is it important to have an Asian fetish? Gabe: Uh, I think you're gonna need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah. [chuckles] It'll be upsetting if you don't. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins. I can save you 25% on your costs. Mr. Ramish: Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references? Andy: No. I'm a rogue. Mr. Ramish: Uh-huh. Andy: Which is the best part. That means you will be my first customer and your business will get 100% of my attention. Now... [pulls out business card] I have written down my personal phone number. You call this anytime. Mr. Ramish: Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number. Andy: Of course they have. Which is why I'm giving you a key to my house. [gives key to C.E.O] Whatever you need - anytime, night or day - you just stop on by. Mr. Ramish: You want me to drive to your house if I need paper. Andy: Maybe you just want someone to talk to. Maybe... you need a place to crash for a couple of days. My wireless password is eat pray love. Easy to remember. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ready? Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. [takes off belt, ties doors together] Dwight: [Running] Ahhh! [Slides into elevator] Jim: You all right? Dwight: Yeah. [Doors about to close, hand stops them] Oh. Jim: Ah! [Harry walks in] Jim: [Dwight pushes button for floor two] Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: Go, go! Take the stairs! Now! Jim: What are you talking about? Dwight: Just run! Take the stairs! Jim: I don't even know where the stairs are! Dwight: I'll stall him. Go! Jim: God! Harry: [Dwight jumping] What are you doing? Dwight: I'm gonna activate the seismic failsafe. We'll be stuck between floors for hours. [pants fall down] Oh. [Jim runs in] My pants fell down. Jim: What? Dwight: My pants fell down! I don't have a belt! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [walks into lobby] Hello, sir. Good day. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Forgive my pants, they fell down. An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine. No, no, no, I was here first. Dwight K. Schrute. Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Mr. Ramish: What's going on? Dwight: Well - Harry: Mr. Ramish, Harry Jannerone. Dunder Mifflin, Syracuse - Dwight: I was here first. Mr. Ramish: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Dwight: I already made an appointment... with your secretary. Mr. Ramish: Let me stop you all right here. I've already picked a new paper supplier. Dwight: Wait, it's not D.M Utica, is it? Mr. Ramish: No, no, it's not Dunder Mifflin at all actually. It's... Big Red Paper Company. Jim: Big Red Paper Company? Mr. Ramish: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yes, yes, yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: Give me a cup of coffee. Dwight: Me too. Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst? Jim: All right, guys. It didn't work out for any of us, so... we're still on the same team. Let me get these. Dwight: No. Let him get his own. It's Syracuse money. Harry: You know, your partner's got a lotta attitude. But I like that. How long you guys been dating? Dwight: Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years. Jim: But you're saying there's a chance. Dwight: Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Walks into conference room] Hey. Robert: Hmm. Pam: I stole Nellie's phone. Robert: Excellent. Excellent. Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery. Pam: What do you want from me? Robert: Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's "yes, yes, yes, yes, never." Phone: Hi, Nell, it's mom. Do keep your chin up. It can't be as bad as you described. Robert: Oh yes it can. Phone: This is MasterCard. You are over the limit. Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday, or we will be forced to send it to collections. Robert: Shopaholic. Pam: Sounds like it. Robert: Yeah. Phone: Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you? Robert: Ah. Phone: This is Annie from second nests. I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother, so, we're gonna hold out for that. Pam: Okay, that's enough. [grabs phone] Robert: Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this. Pam: No, no, no! Robert: No, come on. Pam: Robert! Okay, oops! I deleted them all. They're all deleted. Robert: Pam, Pam, you've completely bungled this! Pam: Ah. Ahh. [walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Nellie: Can I do it, Pam? Can I put off a gold Arabian sandal? Pam: Um... yes. Definitely. With your hair - Nellie: Oh! Pam: Certainly. Um... you dropped your cell phone. Nellie: Oh, gosh. Pam: Yep. Nellie: Thank you. I'm... so stupid. Pam: No. My goodness. You have a lot going on. With Robert and everything. Nellie: Oh, god, Pam. Don't get me started. Pam: No, I will not. Nellie: You've just got me started. Robert... is... a filthy beast. I mean, don't you get the feeling, he's just thinking of fifteen different ways to do you? Pam: Well - Nellie: I mean, the man talks of nothing but s*x. Pam: But sometimes he talks about flesh... and bacchanals. Nellie: I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night. Pam: No... don't. Just put it out of your mind. Nellie: Pam, what is your address? I'm gonna send you a pair of these gold harem shoes. Oh, no. You don't - Nellie: Oh yes. Come on, a little gold Arabian slipper. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Things are looking up. I might be a mother soon. I have MasterCard right where I want them. And... I have a new friend. A friend. At work. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: [Erin opens door] Erin. Erin: There's a call for you on line one. Robert: Who is it? Erin: He says salvation. No last name. Robert: Yeah, hello? Andy: [in car] You once put me on a list of the losers in the office. Well, this loser just got your biggest client to give him all their business. So hire me back, that business is yours. Don't, and I will find another buyer. Robert: You're blackmailing me. Andy: It's just business. Robert: Ah, well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring it on. You're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the *bleep* lizard king. [disconnects] Andy: Whoa. Well I gave him a chance. [gets out of car, walks to house] David: [opens door] Andy Bernard. Andy: You got a minute? David: Um... I'm in the middle of a piano lesson. Andy: I wanted to see if I could interest you in an investment. Dunder Mifflin. David: Dunder Mifflin. [closes door] Now... why would I want that? It's worth half of what it was three years ago. Andy: Exactly. And you know better than anyone that with the right management it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today. David: Why don't you come in? [Andy walks in, closes door] [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: So what would you do if you weren't selling paper? Jim: Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets. Probably submit them for competitions. Dwight: What? Jim: Yeah! I know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kinda been a dream of mine. Dwight: How have we never talked about this before? Wait. You don't even care about nationals. Harry: Nothing? Jim: I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you? Harry: I'd like to sell one big thing, you know? Like... a plane. One sale, I'm out. Jim: That sounds lovely. Harry: Anyway, Robert's gonna run this company into the ground, so... We won't be doing this in six months.

While drunk, Robert shuts down Dunder Mifflin's Binghamton branch. Andy prepares to make his comeback by temporarily forming his own rival paper company. Jim and Dwight work together to defeat a rival Dunder Mifflin salesman ( Chris Bauer ) who wants the Binghamton branch's clients.

fd_Frasier_05x11

fd_Frasier_05x11_0

Act One MAMMA MIA! Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are sat chatting. Niles: Oh, I got your message about the wine club, Friday night, and yes, I will be there. Frasier: Oh, good, Dad's kicking me out of the house that night so he and Sherry can have a little party. [laughs] Oh, I don't know. Life really is a circle, isn't it? I'm letting Dad use my place for his friends to get together, and just a few years ago it would have been Dad who'd have to leave his house for my parties. Niles: Yes, if you'd had any parties when we were young that would be filled with irony! Daphne enters and sits with them. Daphne: Thank goodness you're here, I've got some rather shocking news. Niles: What is it? Daphne: I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer. Frasier: [shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer? Daphne: Not around, in! An engagement ring in a jewelry box. Niles: An engagement ring? Dad must be about to ask Sherry to marry him. Do you know what that means? Frasier: Yes, we're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on [in horror] the banjo! Niles: It means she's going to be our mother. What are we going to do? Frasier: Well, there's nothing we can do, Niles. It's what Dad wants. Niles: But... what do we even call her? Frasier: Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "mother." No, that's too formal. "Mama"... no, "Ma!" Niles: [in dread] Ooh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma." "Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma." "Off to the roller derby, Ma'?" Daphne: That's typical of you two. Your father is about to get married and all you two can think about is how it will affect you. [pause] What about me?! Frasier: What about you? Daphne: Sherry's never exactly liked me. You don't think she'll try to make your father get rid of me, do you? Frasier: Oh, Daphne, of course not. He'd be lost without you. Niles: Yes, and even if by some chance that were to happen, Daphne, I could always use you. [realizing innuendo] I, I would know of a position you could take... [digging into a hole] ...services that you could perform. [holds himself, then:] I would know of an opening... [realizes the path he has taken and takes up the check] This is on me. Daphne nods at him in confusion. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Niles and Frasier are sat on the sofa as Sherry and Martin prepare for their party. Sherry: Marty, you need to stir the dip more, it's got whole lumps of soup mix in it. Martin: Sorry. Frasier: My, my, my, quite a little shindig you two are planning for tonight. We have the cheese logs, the erotic fortune cookies. For after dinner, a bloopers tape: "Too Hot For Hee-Haw." Niles: I see that Martha Stewart party book I gave you really paid off. Sherry: Oh, this old crowd, they wouldn't go for that fru-fru stuff. Get 'em liquored up, put out some corn nuts and they can go all night. Frasier: When you say all night-? Martin: [finishes stirring] There you go, smooth as silk. Sherry: [kisses him] Thank you. Niles: Who's going to be attending this soirée? Sherry: Oh, just some old friends I'm dying for Marty to meet. Now, let's see, there's Ray and Lola Sherwood - well, I worked with them in Atlantic City when they had a knife-throwing act. Oh, now, Marty, try not to stare at her eyes, she gets self-conscious. And, let's see. Oh, and Edith's coming with her new fiancé. Martin: Oh, she finally met him, huh? Sherry: Mm, just this week. Niles: They're engaged and they just met this weekend? Sherry: Well, you see, up until now, it's been kind of a pen-pal relationship. He's been... detained the last few years. Frasier: Well, you know, you're going to need some room for those corn nuts, why don't I just get this pesky priceless sculpture out of your way! Frasier hurriedly removes the Chihuly to his room. [N.B. Since the Chihuly is a genuine work of art, valued at upwards of $75,000, it is always removed from the set before any scene that involves rough-housing in the living room.] Sherry: Marty, I never heard back from Vic and Linda, did you get a message? Martin: No. Sherry: Oh, gee, maybe they left one on my machine. Sherry phones through to her machine. Martin: So, what are you guys up to tonight? Niles has just read one of the fortune cookies, and is gaping when he suddenly realizes Martin's question. Niles: Em, our wine club is having a vertical tasting at the "Opus One." Martin: Oh, well, don't drink too much. Niles: [laughs] It's not like that, Dad, you don't actually drink the wine. You just swish it around and spit it out. Martin: We all did that at Duke's New Year's Eve party. Of course, it wasn't wine, it was egg salad! Frasier enters as Sherry hangs up. Sherry: You know, that is so weird. I just got a message from my manager down at McGinty's. Some guy came in asking a lot of questions about me. Martin: What kind of questions? Sherry: Well, like where I used to work, the people I used to date, and the weirdest part is, my neighbor told me somebody came around asking her about me too. Martin: Sounds like somebody's checking up on ya'. Sherry: Like a detective? Martin: Oh no, it's probably a credit card company, something like that, I wouldn't worry about it. Martin gets up from the table and casually walks toward Frasier and Niles, as Sherry goes into the kitchen. Sherry: Well, still, it is a little scary. I wish I knew who it was. Martin: Oh, forget about it, I've been through this before. Private investigators never leave a trail. Really, it could be anyone. Sherry: If you think so. Once she's into the kitchen, Martin rounds on Frasier and Niles. Martin: [whispering furiously] Which one of you hired him?! Frasier: Well, that is just crazy! Martin: Oh, come on, who else would have the money to do something like that? Frasier: I have no idea, we have nothing to do with it. Do you really think that we would hire someone to spy on Sherry? My God, I'm insulted! Niles: As am I! Martin: Well, all right. Maybe I was jumping to the wrong conclusion. Frasier: You most certainly have! Martin: I'm sorry, boys. Frasier: It's all right, Dad. Niles: Just forget about it. Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier rounds on Niles. Frasier: [whispering furiously] You hired a detective, how could you?! Niles: I have never been so insul-! Frasier: Niles! Niles: Okay, I'm sorry. I was just looking out for Dad here. I mean, what do we really know about this woman? Frasier: She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know. Niles: Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man. Frasier: Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand! Niles: I was just simply trying to get some background information. Frasier: Well, stop it. Call it off right now, Niles. Niles: Consider it done. Frasier: All right. Niles: We gotta run. Frasier: Yeah. [shouts through] Goodbye. Martin: [o.s] Bye, boys. Sherry: [o.s] Have a nice time you two, we'll save you some cake. Frasier: Thank you. [to Niles] You see that, how sweet she is? My God, I can't believe you're actually having that woman investigated. You know, try to have a little trust in people! Frasier quickly takes one of his precious African art sculptures from the table and into his jacket for safety before leaving with Niles. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Roz enters as she meets Frasier. Niles is sat on a front table discussing matters with a detective. Roz: You see someone following me? Frasier: Yes, you can play along now. A female police officer enters as Roz and Frasier sit. The officer has a rather large stomach. Police: Ah, excuse me, ma'am, I saw you cross against the light. I'm going to have to write you a ticket. Roz: [winded voice] Oh, well, I'm really sorry about that. It's just that it's so cold out there and the pollution, I just didn't want to expose my unborn child to the elements any longer than I needed to. [Roz stands revealing her bump] Police: You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself. Roz: Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? [pats officer's "bump"] So, when are you due? Police: I'm not pregnant! Roz: [submitting] That's Roz Doyle. Police: Would you step over here? Roz: R-O-Z. Frasier goes to Niles and the detective. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Oh, hello, Frasier. May I borrow your pen? Frasier: Certainly. [hands it over as he shakes the detective's hand] How do you do? Niles: [writes check] I appreciate all your hard work and I am sorry to have to break off the investigation in the middle. Detective: That's all right, people change their minds all the time. Niles: I'm sure they do. [hands it over] There you are. Detective: Thank you. The detective leaves. Frasier: There now, don't you feel better? Niles: I suppose so. Frasier: You have to admit, I was right on this one. There was absolutely no justification for giving into your baser instincts of prying in Sherry's past. The detective comes back. Detective: I almost forgot. I wrote up a little report on what I found out so far. That's one interesting lady. He hands them a brown envelope and exits. Niles: Well, I should have just told him to drop that in the trash. After all, we're concerned with Dad's happiness. Sometimes, Frasier, you are like the beacon piercing the fog of my baser instincts. [to waitress] Excuse me, would you just drop that in the... Frasier snatches it off of him as she disperses. Frasier: I see your point. [opens the envelope] I hate myself for what I'm doing. Niles: Frasier, we're doing it for Dad's own good. Frasier: [reads document] Oh, so far, so good: graduated from high school; almost paid off her Subaru; you know she's been married. Niles: Yes, she mentioned that, to Johnny Dempsey. Frasier: There were two others. Ned Foley, Mark Wallace... Niles: That's a bit troubling, three previous marriages. Frasier: ...Vincent Mayhew, Guiltham Mandel, Waltz... Niles: Just give me the total! Frasier: Six that we know of. God, you had to go and fire that detective before he finishes reporting! Niles: Six? [reads them] Frasier: Yes, she's obviously incapable of remaining in a relationship. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, does it? Niles: And on the other hand, it does bode well for Dad getting a "yes" when he proposes. He has a right to know about this. Frasier: But we already told him we weren't involved in the investigation, we can't just tell him now we were lying! Niles: Maybe there's some way to impart the information without explaining how we came by it. You know, just sort of drop it casually in the conversation. Frasier: And how would that go? [deadpan:] Oh, Dad, you going to the Sherry Ex-Husband Convention this year? Besides that, you know, Dad may know everything already. Niles: I think we need to find that out. How would we feel if we let Dad marry this woman, and in a year's time he's tossed aside like Danny Mitchell. Frasier: Who's that? Niles: Page five, engaged but never married. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act One [SCENE_BREAK] Act Two Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne and Niles are sat on the couch whilst Frasier is standing as Martin walks in wearing his best clothes from his room. Martin: Hey, boys. [they greet him] Daph', what do you think about this jacket? I don't know, it just - something doesn't quite feel right. Daphne: I think it's nice. Martin: Really? Daphne: Yes. Martin goes to the powder room to smarten himself. Frasier: You know, Dad, I was talking with a lady today down at the café and I happened to mention that I'd been married twice before, and a look clouded over her face as if I'd confessed to some unspeakable sin! Niles: Makes you wonder what people go through who've been married even more times than that. Quite a taboo they face. Daphne: Oh, I don't know, some... The boys quiet her, the she looks confused. Frasier: You know, Dad, I think it harkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think? Martin: [enters] There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family. Maybe, it's the shirt, do you like this shirt? Daphne: Yes, it's nice. Frasier: That'd make a good topic to discuss on my show. Niles, you know the hurdles that are faced by people with multiple marriages. Niles: Of course, the hard part would be rounding up enough people who've been married a significant number of times. Do you know anyone? Frasier: No, I don't. Daphne: You know, Mrs. Krabs upstairs- Frasier: How about you, Dad? Martin: Oh, yeah, sure, I know some people. Frasier: Really? You do. Martin: Well, I think. Niles: You think. Martin: Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't, who cares? I hate this shirt, I better go change this shirt! Martin exits. Frasier: Well, that was fruitless! Daphne: I'll tell you one thing I'm sure of. Daphne stares into space as Frasier and Niles look at her inquisitively. Frasier: Yes?! Daphne: Oh, I'm allowed to talk now, am I? [pause] I've never seen your father so nervous. He's meeting Sherry at McGinty's, I bet he's planning to pop the question. Niles: Well, that's it Frasier, we're just going to tell him what we found out. Frasier: Yes, but we still don't know what he knows. Niles: Don't you think if she had told him she had been married six times, then he would remember? Daphne: Who, Sherry? They nod as Martin enters in the same shirt but a different jacket. Martin: You know, maybe this shirt isn't so bad. Especially with this new jacket. What do you think of this new jacket? Daphne: I think it's nice. Sherry's been married six times? Martin: Who told you that? Daphne: [realizing her mistake] They did. [points to brothers] Niles and Frasier look guilty. Martin: What's this all about? Frasier: You know, Dad, I'd love to see that first shirt with the second jacket. Martin: Oh, come on. You got this from the investigator - you did hire him, didn't you? Niles looks shocked as Frasier decides to confess. Frasier: All right, I guess there's no use denying it. Yes, yes, we did hire him. Although the word "we" is not entirely accurate. Niles: Frasier, I am shocked... Frasier: Oh, shut up, Niles! Look, Dad, we were just concerned about you. We know about the engagement ring. Martin: My ring? Which one of you went through my drawers? Frasier: Right now, pointing fingers is not going to do us any good. Martin: What the hell is the matter with you two? Frasier: She did it! [points to Daphne] Martin: Well, it's nice to know there isn't a single person in this house I can trust. Sherry told me about her marriages the first week of our dating! I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business, just like it's none of your damn business who I marry or who I don't marry! I don't know why I'm even wasting my time talking to you! Martin exits. Daphne: Do you see what I get for confiding in you two blabbermouths! The next time I find something interesting in your father's underwear drawer, I'm just gonna sit on it! Daphne exits to Martin's room as the boys give each other a look. Niles: Well, this evening is an entire disaster. I'm already late for dinner with Maris. I just don't know how this could have happened. [goes to door but doesn't open it] Frasier: Yes, who'd have guessed that something so innocent as spying on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer can turn so ugly! Niles: Well, there is one consolation. We told Dad the truth and we were able to bear his anger. That's the nice thing about our relationship, we're all adults. We can talk things through, we're not afraid of confrontation... Frasier: Stop stalling, Niles! Dad must be on the elevator by now! Niles checks through the spy-hole, nods in confirmation and exits as Daphne enters. Daphne: Look what I found in your father's jacket. Frasier: I do not want to know about it. Daphne: He forgot the ring! This is going to be embarrassing for him. I suppose I could take it down to him. Frasier: [takes ring] No, no, Daphne. I should do that. It will give me an excellent opportunity to show him just how happy I am that he's marrying Sherry. Daphne: That would be very nice. Frasier: Yes. I just can't figure out why he would propose in a place like McGinty's! It seems like such a shabby setting. [looks at ring] Well, I guess he was just trying to match the ring. Frasier exits. [SCENE_BREAK] GIVE ME A RING SOMETIME Scene Two - McGinty's. Sherry and Martin are sat on the front table chatting. Sherry: So I told her that you and I would take a trip up there this spring. [Martin is quiet] Well, you like my sister, right? Martin: Yeah, sure. Sherry: Oh, now, come on, Mart'. You can't hold one little embarrassing moment against her. She didn't know you were in there! Martin: No, no, I don't. I like your sister. Sherry: Well, then what is wrong with you? You're being so quiet. Martin: I got something on my mind. Sherry: Well, what is it? Martin: I've been thinking a lot about us and... where do you see us going? Sherry: Gee, I don't know. I mean, I'm having fun the way things are. You have your life, I have mine. No pressure. Martin: That's what I thought you'd say. Sherry: There's nothing wrong with us just having fun. Martin: No. It's just that we've been just having fun for a long time now. Let me ask you something, where do you see us in a year? Five years? Sherry: Oh, gee, I don't know, I try not to look too far ahead. Martin: Well, I guess that's the difference between us. Because I can't stop thinking that far ahead. You know, I've come to realize, Sherry, that I want to get married again. And you know it's not anything you're interested in. Sherry: Well, can you blame me? I mean, Marty you know my track record, I've been down that road a lot of times! I mean, I've learned the hard way, I'm not looking for forever. Martin: I am. Sherry: So... so you're breaking up with me? Martin: We're just looking for different things, Sherry. I'm sorry. Sherry and Martin try to hold back their emotions. Martin: It's hot in here. Sherry: Yeah. Martin takes out a handkerchief and brings it to his forehead, but he drops it on the floor. Martin goes down to the floor to pick it up. Frasier sees him from the door and it looks like he is getting down on bended knee to propose. Frasier runs in. Frasier: Dad, Dad! Martin: What? Frasier: I'm glad I've seen you. Martin: Get out of here. [sits] Frasier: Dad, Dad, I've got something that I think you might like to have before you tell Sherry whatever it is you want to tell her. Sherry: Oh, he's already told me. Frasier: He has? Well, that is just wonderful and may I say, it's about time! I couldn't be happier for you. Sherry: That's nice to know. Martin: Frasier! Frasier: I'd like you to know that everybody is one hundred percent behind this decision - my God, we're all so excited. Martin: FRASIER! Sherry: Well, I'm so glad that you're so happy your father's breaking up with me. Frasier: [realizes] Breaking up? [pause] I had no idea. Sherry: And you get paid to help people through their difficult moments? Frasier exits in embarrassment. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - McGinty's. Time has lapsed. Sherry and Martin are at the door bidding their farewells. Martin: It isn't easy to say goodbye, is it? Sherry: No. It doesn't get any easier either, I should know. Listen, Marty, this is usually the time people say, "Well, let's be friends" and then, oh, there's a phone call or two but they never see each other again and, well, I just want you to know I am around for you if you ever get lonely or you just need to talk. Martin: Thanks. [they hug] Sherry: Oh, and when you call, if a man answers - hang up. Martin laughs with her as she leaves. Martin goes to the bar and stares up at the game on the television whilst contemplating life without Sherry. Frasier enters and sits with him. Frasier: Hi, Dad. The only reason I came down here was to bring you this. [hands over ring] Obviously I made another colossal blunder in a week full of them. I'm really sorry, Dad. [Martin is silent] I guess you don't really feel like talking. Martin: You know, Frasier, sometimes I just feel like sitting here and watching the game, all right? Frasier: Fine, I can do that. Martin: Yeah. Frasier: Sure. [looks up] So the, er, Sonics and the, er, Bulls. That Jordan, he's really something, huh? Yeah. The way he scores those points and gets the ball back when the other team misses... Wow! That's incredible. He made the same impossible shot twice in a row! Martin: It's the instant replay. [pause, looks at ring] You know, I was carrying this thing around for a month. Frasier: Really? Martin: Yeah, but at the end of every night I just couldn't pop the question, and then I realized I knew what the answer would be. She didn't want to get married again. Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad. Martin: Oh, it's all right. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. Your mom's a hard act to follow! I never went through anything like this with her. We knew we were meant to be together and that was that. Frasier: It's hard to find that out, Dad. I've been trying for a while. Martin: [pats him on the shoulder] You'll get there. I hope we both do. Frasier: Well, Dad, in time. The father and son look up at the television together. Frasier: Well, that was quite a shot! Martin: Patton's been pretty hot lately. Frasier: What's the score here, anyway? Martin: Sonics are only down by five, they've still got a chance if they can hold Jordan. Frasier: [to waiter] Can I have a beer here, please? Martin: [to waiter] Yeah, make that two. Frasier looks at his father in mutual respect. End of Act Two [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment. Eddie is sat on a chair barking at something on the table. The camera pulls back to reveal it is a little fish ornament that seems to be staring right at him.

Daphne finds an engagement ring in Martin's underwear drawer. Frasier and Niles are shaken at the idea of Sherry becoming their stepmother, but they agree that their father's happiness is most important to them. Soon afterwards, Sherry tells Martin that someone has been asking questions about her at McGinty's, and Martin immediately thinks his sons have hired a private investigator to check up on her. They deny it, but Frasier realizes that Niles is guilty and insists that he call off the investigation. He does this, but before departing the detective presents him with a half-finished report, which the brothers read and discover that Sherry has already been married six times. Sherry does not wish to marry ever again, but Martin does, and the two break up due to their incompatible expectations.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_01x16

fd_Gilmore_Girls_01x16_0

1.16 - Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers teleplay by John Stephens and Linda Loiselle Guzik story by Joan Binder Weiss OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW (Miss Patty narrates a story in the background as the camera pans around town as locals prepare for a festival.) MISS PATTY: This, boys and girls, is the story of true love. A beautiful girl from one county; a handsome boy from another. They meet and they fall in love. Separated by distance and by parents who did not approve of the union, the young couple dreamed of a day that they could be together. They wrote each other beautiful letters. Letters of longing and passion. Letters full of promises and plans for the future. Soon the separation proved too much for either one of them to bear. So, one night, cold and black with no light to guide them, they both snuck out of their homes and ran away as fast as they could. It was so dark out that they were both soon lost and it seemed as if they would never find each other. Finally, the girl dropped to her knees, tears streaming down her lovely face. 'Oh, my love. Where are you? How will I find you?' Suddenly, a band of stars appeared in the sky. These stars shone so brightly they lit up the entire countryside. The girl jumped to her feet and followed the path of the stars until finally she found herself standing right where the town gazebo is today. And there waiting for her was her one true love, who had also been led here by the blanket of friendly stars. [Camera stops on Miss Patty's dance studio, where she is telling the story to a group of children.] And that, my friends, is the story of how Stars Hollow came to be, and why we celebrate that fateful night every year at about this time. Now, we still have a little time left in our story hour. Who wants to hear about the time I danced in a cage for Tito Puente? KIDS: [raising hands] Me! MISS PATTY: It was the summer of 66 .. (Opening Credits) CUT TO BUS STOP (Dean is waiting on the bench as Rory steps off the bus.) RORY: So? DEAN: It's depressing. RORY: It's beautiful. DEAN: She throws herself under a train. RORY: But I bet she looked great doing it. DEAN: I don't know. I think maybe Tolstoy's just a little over my head. RORY: No, that's not true. Tolstoy wrote for the masses, the common man. It's completely untrue that you have to be some kind of genius to read his stuff. DEAN: Yeah but RORY: Now I know it's big. . . DEAN: Very big. RORY: And long. . . DEAN: Very, very long RORY: And many of the Russian names tend be spelled very similar, making it confusing DEAN: Every single person's name ends with 'ski'. Now how is that possible? RORY: But it's one of my favorite books. And I know that if you just give it a try you... DEAN: All right. I'll try again. RORY: Really? DEAN: Yeah. RORY: You won't be sorry. DEAN: Coffee? RORY: Please. DEAN: Man, I thought Christmas was a big deal around here. RORY: Well, this is a town that likes the celebrating. Last year we had a month long carnival when we finally got off the septic tank system. DEAN: A month long? You're kidding. RORY: No. There were rides and a petting zoo and balloon animals and a freak show. DEAN: Uh huh. Okay, you almost had me going there for a second. RORY: Well we did have a ribbon cutting ceremony. DEAN: So what are you doing Friday night? RORY: Well, I've got the usual Friday night grandparents' dinner. But I thought maybe if we get back early enough you and I should go watch the bonfire together. I mean, it's kind of corny, but it's really pretty. And they sell star-shaped hot dogs. DEAN: How about if you get out of dinner at your grandparents' this week? RORY: I don't think so. DEAN: Well, what if it's for a really special occasion? RORY: Well, that special occasion better include my being relocated to a plastic bubble if my grandmother's gonna let me out of dinner. DEAN: There must be some other excuse that you could use. RORY: Like what? DEAN: Like it's your three-month anniversary with your boyfriend. RORY: It is? DEAN: Yeah. Three months from your birthday. I mean, that's when I gave you the bracelet and that's when I figured this whole thing kinda started. RORY: Wow. Three months. DEAN: Actually, technically your birthday was on a Saturday, so really it should be Saturday, but I work Saturday and I planned out this whole big thing so I thought maybe we could do it on Friday. RORY: What whole big thing? DEAN: Just this once. Miss dinner. Please. Don't make me throw myself under a train. RORY: I'll see what I can do. DEAN: Thank you. RORY: You're welcome. It's our three-month anniversary. DEAN: Yeah it is. RORY: I feel kind of stupid that I didn't even know about this. DEAN: That's quite all right. RORY: I mean, I feel really bad that I missed our two-month anniversary. DEAN: Quite all right too. RORY: How was it? DEAN: Pretty good. RORY: I'm glad. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table reading a box of Hamburger Helper. Rory walks in.) RORY: No, put that away. LORELAI: I wanna cook. RORY: You can make soup. LORELAI: No. I wanna really cook like on the Food Channel. I wanna sauté thing and chop things and do the BAM, and I wanna arrange things on a plate so they look like a pretty little hat. I wanna be the Iron Chef! RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Yeah, I'll help. L: Okay. I need a pan. R: And a fire extinguisher. L: Funny, funny girl. Now, if I had only bought some hamburger. R: You didn't buy hamburger? L: Yes I bought hamburger. I just like saying things like that so you look at me like I'm crazy. R: So, tell me, why the sudden need to be domestic? L: Ah, I don't know. I'm in like a funky mood. R: Why? L: Too many stars, too much love, it makes me cranky. R: I take it you haven't heard from Mr. Medina? L: Hmm, no. I haven't. R: Maybe that's why you're cranky. L: Okay, new subject please. R: You know, you have a phone also. L: How's it coming with that pan? R: Cleopatra, queen of denial. L: The pan, Chucky. Please. R: Okay fine. New topic. L: Thank you. R: I have this huge favor to ask you. L: Oh, something I can hold over your head. Let's hear it. R: Friday night is Dean's and my three-month anniversary. L: Three months? Wow. R: And Dean apparently has some big fancy evening planned for us. L: Very classy of him. R: Yes it is. But for me to actually partake of the foresaid fancy evening, I have to get out of Friday night dinner. L: Ah. R: Yeah. L: Good luck with that. R: Mom! L: Do you know how much Emily Gilmore will not care about your three-month anniversary? R: I was thinking you could talk to her. L: If there was a runoff between what Emily Gilmore would care about less, a two-for-one toilet paper sale at Costco or your three month anniversary, your anniversary would win, hands down. R: So you're not even gonna try to help me? L: Oh no, I'm gonna try to help you, because I care. Emily Gilmore, however. . R: Phone please. L: Okay. [Lorelai walks over to the phone. She laughs.] R: What? L: Nothing. It's just, 'Oh, hey Mom, uh, Rory and Dean are having their three month anniversary on Friday.' 'Really Lorelai? Why that's wonderful. I'm thrilled.' R: Stop. L: 'Three months. Well, woohoo. Hold on, I'm going to cartwheel.' R: Forget it. L: Oh, no wait. She's telling my dad now. Why, I think they're cabbage patching. R: That's it. Find your own pan. EMILY: Hello? L: Mom? EMILY: Lorelai? L: Uh, yes, hi. EMILY: Hello. L: Hi. How are you doing? EMILY: I'm doing fine. L: That's good. EMILY: I'm pleased. L: How's Dad? EMILY: What do you want Lorelai? L: Um, I was just calling to say hello. EMILY: And now you have. L: Okay, good. EMILY: Was there anything else that you wanted to add to that hello? L: Well, as a matter of fact, there is. EMILY: Ah ha. L: Um, you know Rory. EMILY: Yes, I believe I do. L: She wanted to say hello too. EMILY: Lorelai, I'm late for a meeting. I'd love to know why. L: Mom, just hear me out, okay, and don't say anything. Um, see Friday night is Rory and Dean's three-month anniversary, and while that might not seem like a very big deal to you, it is to them. And I'm gonna ask you to do something you are so not gonna wanna do. But I am begging you to look at it from her point of view and maybe, just maybe let her, just this once, not come to dinner on Friday. EMILY: All right. L: What? EMILY: Since this is a special occasion, I suppose it would be fine if Rory missed dinner on Friday. L: It would? EMILY: Yes R: Mom? L: Are you sure? EMILY: I believe I am. L: No arguments? EMILY: No. L: Well, she wont be there. EMILY: I understand. L: At all. EMILY: I heard. L: All night long. EMILY: I assumed as much. L: Okay. EMILY: Okay. L: All right. EMILY: Anything else? L: Uh, you know, she's gonna need some help getting ready for the big night Mom, so I should probably. EMILY: We'll see you at seven. L: Okay. Right. Bye. R: So? L: The world is officially coming to an end. CUT TO CHILTON (Tristin and Summer are kissing in front of some lockers.) MADELINE: And they're off. PARIS: The bell just rang three seconds ago. How did they get lip locked so fast? MADELINE: I want a boyfriend to make out with. LOUISE: Ty Tolson likes you. MADELINE: I want to different boyfriend to make out with. PARIS: I can't get to my locker. LOUISE: I'm sure they'll move if you ask nice. You know, dangle a hotel key in front of their faces. PARIS: This is a school. You don't do this in a school. LOUISE: Not unless you've got a boyfriend like Tristin. Then you do it anywhere you can. MADELINE: Street corner. LOUISE: Shopping mall. MADELINE: Phone booth. LOUISE: Starbucks. PARIS: Thank you for the "where to make out" list, I just need to get my books. LOUISE: Hell hath no fury. PARIS: [walks over to her locker] Excuse me. You're in my way. Hey, spawn in front of somebody else's locker please. RORY: I'm assuming your locker's in there somewhere also. PARIS: Yup. Right behind Belle Watling. RORY: Have you tried to get their attention? PARIS: Sure have. RORY: No luck? PARIS: Nope. RORY: God, look at that. It's like he's eating her face. PARIS: Okay, that's it. I'm getting the fire hose. RORY: Let me try first. Hey, could you two just move this whole thing down to the left a little? TRISTIN: What? RORY: You're standing in front of the lockers. PARIS: Our lockers. TRISTIN: Oh sorry. Just got a little carried away. RORY: Right. TRISTIN: Hey Paris. PARIS: Hey. SUMMER: You should get bangs. PARIS: Thanks for the tip. SUMMER: You have a long forehead. Bangs would hide that. MADELINE: Hey, party at my house Saturday. LOUISE: Dress to impress please. MADELINE: Come? (hands flyer to Rory) RORY: Oh, I don't know. MADELINE: You can bring your boyfriend. RORY: I'll see. SUMMER: So, meet me after biology? TRISTIN: And if I don't? SUMMER: You will. TRISTIN: Oh, yes I will. Ah. To be young and in love. PARIS: What a shame Elizabeth Barrett Browning wasn't here to witness this. She'd put her head through a wall. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN (Lorelai walks through the lobby into the kitchen where Jackson and Sookie are kissing.) LORELAI: Oh, now people, this is a kitchen. At least wear some hairnets. SOOKIE: Lorelai, hello. Uh, we were, uh. . . JACKSON: Just discussing jam making. SOOKIE: Jackson's gonna start making jam and preserves. JACKSON: Maybe tomato sauce. SOOKIE: Yeah, there's a whole world out there beyond growing vegetables. LORELAI: No coffee? SOOKIE: Sorry. LORELAI: That's okay. Resume smooching. SOOKIE: Thank you. CUT TO INN LOBBY (Michel talking on phone) MICHEL: No cherie. I can't wait either. Very soon. You are? Ohhh. Don't tease me. I promise all this waiting will be worthwhile. I'll see you then. Goodbye darling. LORELAI: So how's mom? MICHEL: And while normally I would look forward to a good verbal sparring match, today I say no. My heart is light, the world is fine and I have a date for Saturday night. Your turn. LORELAI: What I need now is lots and lots of coffee. CUT TO CENTER OF TOWN (Lorelai walking through Stars Hollow while locals prepare for the festival.) MAN: Heads up! (A large papier mache star falls in front of Lorelai) LORELAI: Agh! MAN: Hey, you okay? LORELAI: Yeah, I'm fine. MAN: Man, that has never happened before! LORELAI: Really? How about that. CUT TO LUKE'S (Lorelai walks in and sits at the counter.) LORELAI: I was almost crushed by a papier mache star. How's your day? LUKE: Well, it's looking pretty good now. LORELAI: Coffee please, no shot of cynicism. LUKE: So, why so cheery? LORELAI: I don't know. I'm just in a mood. I don't know why. LUKE: But there's no particular reason for this mood? LORELAI: No. LUKE: Uh huh. LORELAI: You don't believe me? LUKE: No, I believe you. If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts. LORELAI: Or bipolar. That's very big nowadays. (Miss Patty and Taylor are arguing at a table behind Lorelai.) TAYLOR: No, no, Patty, you're wrong. They built the fire to throw themselves on it when their families found them MISS PATTY: Taylor you're crazy! They built the fire so that they could stay warm their first night here. TAYLOR: Patty, I am the recording secretary for the Stars Hollow City Council, I think I know how my town was founded! LORELAI: Ugh, can nobody talk about anything else but this stupid festival? [pause] That came out a lot louder then it was supposed to, didn't it? LUKE: Yup. LORELAI: Yup. TAYLOR: This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady. LORELAI: I know Taylor. I'm sorry. LUKE: She's bipolar. MISS PATTY: Really? But you're so young. LUKE: Uh, can I get you two anything else? MISS PATTY: Oh, no thank you, sweetheart. LORELAI: I don't know what is wrong with me. This is a beautiful festival. People should be enjoying it. LUKE: It's a crazy festival based on a nutty myth about two lunatics, who in all probability did not even exist. And even if they did, probably dropped dead of diphtheria before age 24. The town of Stars Hollow probably got its name from the local dance hall prostitute. Two rich drunk guys who made up the story to make it look good on a poster. LORELAI: You are full of hate and loathing, and I gotta tell you, I love it! LUKE: Oh, it's so good to have somebody share this hate with. LORELAI: My pleasure. LUKE: More coffee? LORELAI: Yeah please. Hey, tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says 'Hey, how's it going?' LUKE: You're on. RACHEL: Hey, how's it going? LORELAI: Oh, now that' s just too easy. LUKE: Rachel. LORELAI: Rachel? Your Rachel? You're Rachel? RACHEL: Yup. I'm Rachel. LUKE: What are you I mean, I thought you were in the Congo or Philadelphia or something. RACHEL: Actually, though very similar to both the Congo and Philadelphia, I was in the Mideast. LUKE: Oh. Guess that postcard must've gotten lost. RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, well things pretty crazy over there, not a lot of writing time. But I finished up my assignment, and I flew back to Chicago and I was walking through O'Hare, and I look up and there's a plane leaving for Hartford in like 20 minutes, and all of a sudden, I'm on it. LUKE: Nice story. RACHEL: I should have called. LUKE: No. You it's fine. RACHEL: You look good. LUKE: Thanks. You um, you look, you, you uh look LORELAI: He thinks you look good too. Right? LUKE: Right. LORELAI: And you do. RACHEL: Thank you. LORELAI: I'm Lorelai. LUKE: Oh yeah. She's Lorelai. LORELAI: I'm Luke's friend. LUKE: Yeah. She uh, uh, works at the Independence Inn. LORELAI: I run it, actually. LUKE: Sorry, she runs it. RACHEL: Wow, I love that place. LORELAI: Oh! RACHEL: That must be a pretty big job. LORELAI: It is! It's crazy. There's always something happening. Like, we just put these coffee makers in all the rooms, but only half of them work. They just like shake and gurgle, like they're having some kind of a fit. Why were you in the Mideast? RACHEL: I was doing a photo story, on how Palestinian and Israeli families have been affected by the violence. LORELAI: Uh huh, well, so you understand about the job pressure. RACHEL: Yeah. LORELAI: I'm gonna go. RACHEL: Please, don't let me drive you away. LORELAI: That's okay, you're not. I have to go sit in a closet or something. So, it was really nice to meet you. RACHEL: Yeah, you too. LORELAI: Okay, bye. (Lorelai leaves) RACHEL: So. . .hi. LUKE: Hi. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai is combing Rory's hair in Rory's bedroom.) LORELAI: 'Oh, we got new coffee makers.' Ugh! What was I thinking? RORY: Well, you spent a lot of time picking out those coffee makers. L: Oh yeah, I'm Mrs. Coffee. R: Ow! Okay, I'm still attached to the head. L: Okay, sorry. I'm a little worked up. R: Mom, it just Luke's ex-girlfriend. L: I know. I just hate that I made myself look so stupid in front of R: Luke? L: No, Rachel. She was standing there, fresh off a plane, and she had no plane hair at all might I add. R: And what exactly is plane hair? L: You know, it's all big and all bah. R: Got it. L: And he's staring at her like she's Miss September and she's looking at him like he's Johnny Depp, and I was just babbling like a moron, what is wrong with me?! R: Ow! Ow! Okay, you are now officially off hair duty. L: Aw, I'm sorry. I just R: No, it's okay. I just think it's a little early for Dean to see me completely bald. L: Right, that's more a six-month thing. R: So what's going on with you? L: I don't know. It's just all this love in the air, you know. I miss Max. There's just been so much going on with your Dad coming home and family stuff and your constant existence R: Thanks for the love. L: Any time. So I haven't had a lot of time to focus on it and I miss Max. R: I know. L: I had a dream about him the other night. R: Really? Dirty? L: No, absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer. Anyway, it's put me in a funk since then. R: I'm sorry. L: Me too. We could talk about me for years, and believe me, we will. But let's focus on you, the lady of the evening. No hooker reference intended. R: Glad to hear it. L: Now, what are you gonna wear with that? R: Um, you tell me. L: Uh, where is he taking you? R: Why? L: Well, you don't want to clash with the decor. A lady plans ahead. R: Well, if you must know, he's taking me to Andoloro's. L: Oh, well isn't that romantic? R: I know! L: Wow, it's gonna be just like Lady and the Tramp. You'll share a plate of spaghetti, but it'll just be one long strand, but you won't realize it until you accidentally meet in the middle. And then, he'll push a meatball towards you with his nose, and you'll push it back with your nose, and then you'll bring the meatball home and you'll save it in the refrigerator for years and. . . R: Mom? L: Uh, neither. Just wear your coat. R: Okay. L: But your flower's just a little smushed. LANE: (calls from front hallway) Rory? L: There you go, you're all set. LANE: Is anyone here? R: You all right? L: Oh yeah, you look beautiful. Go. RORY: Lane? LANE: Oh my God! CUT TO FRONT HALLWAY LANE: I just can't believe it! RORY: I know! LANE: I mean, three months, that's like one sixty-fourth of your life! R: I know! LANE: I have to stop hanging out with you. I mean, you're just making my life seem too pathetic. LORELAI: Join the club. R: Are you going to the festival? 'Cause maybe we could meet you there later. LANE: Oh yeah, that would be romantic. R: Lane. LANE: Yes, I'm going to the festival. And would you like to know why? L: Uh oh! LANE: My mother has once again set me up. R: Another future doctor? LANE: A future chiropractor. I think she's losing confidence in my prospects. R: Maybe he'll be nice. LANE: Oh, it's not just him. We're going with his parents, his grandparents, two sisters, three brothers and at least one maiden aunt. (A car honks from outside) R: That's Dean. LANE: Remember, you have to tell me everything. R: Okay. You too. LANE: Oh yeah. After the walking, the silence, the sitting and the 'buh bye', that's when the fun will begin. R: I wanna know anyhow. Bye Mom. L: Bye honey, have fun. R: Okay. L: Don't forget the meatball. LANE: The meatball? L: It's a mother-daughter thing. (Rory leaves) LANE: So, think I can hang out with you for awhile? L: Oh, uh, not unless you wanna go to Hartford. Besides didn't anyone ever tell you, it's not polite to keep fifteen prospective Korean in-laws waiting. LANE: You can run over me on your way out. Maybe my mother wouldn't make me go if I was in the hospital. L: I wouldn't count on it. LANE: Yeah, you're right. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Lorelai is on the front porch finishing her coffee. Emily opens the door before Lorelai rings the doorbell.) EMILY: You're late. LORELAI: How did you do that? EMILY: What? LORELAI: Answer the door before I even rang the bell. EMILY: I thought I heard something, I came to the door, you were there. Come in please. (Lorelai walks in.) LORELAI: You thought you heard something? EMILY: Yes. L: Mom, that door is like ten feet thick. EMILY: So? L: Well, so, it wasn't like I was standing out there with a band of jackals, I was just drinking coffee. EMILY: Lorelai, what is it that you want to hear? That I was standing by the window, staring out at the driveway, waiting to pounce the moment you arrived. L: Yes, because believe it or not, that would be less creepy. EMILY: Get yourself a drink, please. (Lorelai walks into living room. Richard is on the couch reading the newspaper.) L: Hey Dad. RICHARD: Lorelai. L: Sorry I'm late. I was helping Rory get ready for her big date, and well, you know girls. RICHARD: Mm hmm. L: So. . . um, how's work? RICHARD: Oh, work is fine. L: Yeah? Good, good. My work's fine too. RICHARD: Uh huh. L: Oh God. Mom has gone a little crazy with the figurines here, huh? A little Kathy Bates. Although you probably haven't seen Misery, which is a good thing because Rory couldn't sleep alone for a week after we watched it. That wouldn't be a problem for you because you don't sleep alone anyway. I'm guessing. I don't know what your and mom's sleeping arrangement is. Now I'm wishing I hadn't brought it up because it's such a 'Wow, don't wanna go there' kind of a subject. For me, not for you, because you should definitely go there if you uh, well anyway. Agh! RICHARD: Oh, what have you done now? L: Nothing. I just, well, I'm putting the bunny back with his little friends and I just sort of massacred them a little bit, but that's life in the jungle isn't it? RICHARD: Just sit down, please. L: Okay, sorry. RICHARD: Just sit with your hands in your lap. L: Sorry. RICHARD: And I'm trying to read, so just be quiet and try not to break anything else EMILY: So are we having a nice chat? L: Yeah, we're having a great conversation, me and Morrie. EMILY: Excuse me? L: Nothing. Thanks, Mom, for letting Rory out of dinner tonight. She really appreciated it. EMILY: Well, she deserves to celebrate. A three-month anniversary is a landmark feat at her age. Or at any age for some people. L: I was gonna get a drink. I'm gonna get right on that. (doorbell rings) EMILY: I'll get that. (leaves room) L: Can I freshen up your drink Dad? RICHARD: No, thank you. One drink before dinner is quite enough. L: Right, sorry. (Emily returns to the room with a man.) EMILY: I had no idea it was so close! CHASE: Absolutely, right around the corner. EMILY: Well, what a small world. Oh, Lorelai, I'd like you to meet Chase Bradford. L: Hey. CHASE: Hi. EMILY: He was just telling me that he actually grew up right around the corner from here. L: Oh, really? CHASE: Stone house on the corner. L: Oh, the one with the Dobermans. CHASE: That's right. Leopold and Loeb. Though I'm afraid they passed on quite a few years ago. L: Postmen finally got organized, huh? EMILY: Uh, Chase, this is my husband, Richard. RICHARD: How do you do? CHASE: Fine, Richard, just fine. EMILY: Uh, please sit down. RICHARD: Emily, I didn't know we were having company for dinner. EMILY: Oh well, it was just sort of a spur of the moment thing. Chase's mother and I are in the DAR together and he just moved back to Hatrford, and it just seemed like a nice idea. L: Yes, very nice. RICHARD: Uh Chase, can I get you a drink? CHASE: Scotch neat. RICHARD: Uh, Glenfiddich? CHASE: Fine. So Lorelai, your mother's told me all about you. L: Really? CHASE: Oh yes. I'm just sorry your daughter couldn't join us for dinner. I adore children. L: Mom, can I talk to you for a minute? EMILY: Lorelai, we have company. L: It'll just take a second, really. EMILY: But L: Come on, it'll be fun. Excuse us. We're just gonna have a spur of the moment conversation. (Lorelai guides Emily out of the room.) EMILY: You're pushing me. L: Is this a setup? EMILY: What? L: Uh, Connecticut Ken in there, is he my invited escort for the evening? EMILY: Lorelai, his mother is a friend of mine. L: And? EMILY: He just moved back here and doesn't know anyone. L: And? EMILY: And I thought he might enjoy meeting you. L: AH HA! EMILY: Put that finger down! L: Ah, this is why the Miss Congeniality act when Rory wanted to beg out of dinner. EMILY: It just seemed like a good opportunity. L: Mom, thank you for the thought, but I can get my own men. EMILY: (laughs) Really? L: Yes, really. EMILY: I must disagree. L: You must? EMILY: Chase is a quality man, he has good breeding, he comes from a nice family. He makes a nice living, he's attractive. L: Mom, mmm, no. EMILY: Is it gonna kill you to simply keep an open mind about him? L: Mom, he's not my type. EMILY: Why not? Because I like him? L: You know, I swear, I don't know which one, but there is a game show out there with your name on it. EMILY: Well that must be it because you've hardly said two words to the man. You couldn't possibly hate him already. L: Oh no, it's that arcade game where the mole keeps sticking his head out and you have to pound him as many times as you can with the mallet. You would be a master at that game. EMILY: Lorelai, I realize that Chase may not be as controversial as your usual brand of men. L: They would erect a statue of you next to it with perfect hair and pearls and a big bronze mallet. EMILY: But I want you to think about something. Tonight your daughter is celebrating her three-month anniversary. What was the last relationship you had that lasted that long? [pause] I thought so. (Lorelai and Emily return to living room.) EMILY: Well, here we are. I'm very sorry. CHASE: Oh, that's all right. I had a chance to tell Richard a little bit about what I do in the actuarial business. RICHARD: Yes, it's fascinating. CHASE: Lorelai, may I fix you something to drink? L: Hmm, gin. CHASE: And? L: Gin. RICHARD: Make that two. L: What about the one drink before dinner rule? RICHARD: Well, we have guests. We're celebrating. Chase, here, let me help you with that. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO ANDOLORO'S RORY: That was really good. DEAN: It was? RORY: Yes it was. DEAN: How was the salad? RORY: Great. DEAN: What about that cheese bread thing? Too heavy? RORY: Just heavy enough. DEAN: Really? RORY: Everything was perfect. Even the soda was good. I don't know how they do it but the Coke here is definitely superior to the Coke anywhere else. DEAN: Okay, at what point during that did you start making fun of me? RORY: I would never make fun of you. Especially not after you ordered three different kinds of pasta for me just because I couldn't decide. DEAN: Well you shouldn't have to decide. I mean, tonight, you should have everything that you want. RORY: I just have to say that I'm now a very big fan of the three-month anniversary. DEAN: Oh yeah? RORY: Definitely. I think they should have T-shirts and newsletters. DEAN: Well, I'm glad. RORY: You did all this for me. DEAN: It's not over yet. RORY: This is just like that Christmas when I got a full set of illustrated encyclopedias. [Dean gives a confused look] I wanted them. DEAN: Oh, uh, good WAITER: One tiramisu, two forks, and uh, one meatball to go. RORY: Thank you. DEAN: You wanna explain the meatball? RORY: It's a mother-daughter thing. DEAN: Okay. Well, uh ladies first. RORY: Thank you. [takes a bite] Okay, have I mentioned how much I'm loving the three month anniversary thing? DEAN: Yeah, you did. RORY: Because this tiramisu is so good that if the anniversary were completely sucking right now, this would save it. What? DEAN: Nothing. RORY: Stop it. DEAN: No, you look cute. RORY: I'm eating. DEAN: Well, you eat cute. RORY: I do not eat cute. No one eats cute. Bambi maybe, but he's a cartoon. DEAN: So, uh, after we finish here we move onto phase two of the anniversary evening. RORY: Phase 2. Sounds very official, are there space suits involved? DEAN: With matching helmets. RORY: Impressive. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Lorelai, Emily, Richard and Chase are eating dinner.) CHASE: So Lorelai, are you a member of the DAR? LORELAI: No, I'm not. D-A-R-N. [giggles] See, uh, that's like darn 'cause it was a play on DAR. Boy, these carrots sure are tiny. EMILY: Chase, I'm simply fascinated about your work situation. Tell us how you wound up back here at home. I mean, you move away to make your fortune and you end up right back here. Isn't life funny? LORELAI: Hilarious. RICHARD: It's a comedy for the masses. CHASE: Well I worked hard and the company was very good to me. You know a thing or two about company loyalty I assume, Richard. Well, the company offered me a choice of East Coast locations, sort of a big vote of confidence in the job I was doing. Picking your locale, it's a very coveted position to be in. LORELAI: Yeah, would like to be picking my locale right now. CHASE: So I sat down and made my wish list. I looked for places that offered location amenities as well as job growth, and finally after days of research, checking into traffic conditions, crime rates, the best school systems, my decision came down to just two places. One was in New York, one was in Hartford. LORELAI: And you chose Hartford. CHASE: I did at that. RICHARD: Emily, is there any more roast? CHASE: Hartford has all the cosmopolitan big city benefits that New York has, without actually having to live in New York. It just seemed like a no brainer. LORELAI: I'll get dad some more roast. EMILY: Leta will bring it. LORELAIL: Oh, but it's so much more personal this way. EMILY: Hurry back. I just simply have to know what the allure of this Stars Hollow is I've heard so much about. LORELAI: Miles and miles and miles. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW (Rory and Dean walk to the festival) DEAN: So, what book did you bring? RORY: What? DEAN: Well, come on, you always bring a book with you and I was just wondering, what's the three month anniversary book? RORY: Actually, I brought the New Yorker. DEAN: A magazine. Really? RORY: It's the fiction issue. (From the gazebo, the mayor starts the festivities) MAYOR: People of Stars Hollow, and our many friends. It gives me great pleasure to preside over our annual founders festival for the thirty-second time. Many a true love has had it start right on the spot where I stand. And I don't mind telling you that at this very festival, right by this gazebo, is where I met my own true love, Miss Dora Braythwait. We have been married for 43 years, and it all started right here. TAYLOR: (covers microphone and whispers) Ask her to wave. MAYOR: (whispers) I can't. TAYLOR: Why not? MAYOR: (To Taylor) She went to Bingo in Bridgeport. (To crowd) And now my friends, if you will join me in lighting the fire. RORY: Okay, take me to the surprise now. DEAN: But I thought you said you wanted to see the bonfire being lit. RORY: Oh I do. DEAN: Wait, but Mayor Porter just said. . . RORY: Trust me. It's gonna be awhile before it's lit. We'll have plenty of time before they're ready. MAYOR: Every damn year. TAYLOR: It was Lenny's responsibility. AYOR: Oh for Pete's sake. Does anyone have any matches? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Lorelai, Emily, Richard, and Chase at dinner table.) CHASE: It's really fascinating stuff. EMILY: It sounds it. Tell us more. CHASE: Well, we're in the middle of building new statistical models that let us do a better job at predicting death than we've ever been able to do before. Richard, you might find this interesting. RICHARD: Well, I've never been one for sitting at a computer building models, Chase. I'm a client contact man myself. CHASE: But these models give you a better product to sell to those clients. EMILY: That does sound interesting. CHASE: Oh it is. In fact, if you were to answer a few simple questions for me, I could practically pinpoint the day you're going to die. EMILY: Goodness. LORELAI: Go ahead. Ask her the questions. EMILY: I think I'll pass. CHASE: No no, Lorelai! I'd have to feed the information into a computer to get the answer. I'm no Kreskin! EMILY: Well, Chase, why don't you and Lorelai retire to the living room for some Brandy while I help Leta clean up. LORELAI: While you do what? CHASE: That sounds lovely? Shall we? LORELAI: Uh, sure. I'm just going to, um, go and powder my something. But I'll be back in a minute and I'll meet you in the living room. CHASE: I'll be waiting. LORELAI: Super. CUT TO UPSTAIRS (Lorelai walks into her old bedroom, grabs her coat off the bed, and starts to climb out the window when Richard walks in.) RICHARD: Lorelai, your mother wants to know if. . . LORELAI: Hi daddy. Okay, I know this is bad. And I know this probably brings back all the horrible aspects of my childhood life for you. And see, I'm really sorry that we fought last week, and I'm really sorry that you're so disappointed in me, and I really wish there was something I can do to fix that, but there probably isn't and I can accept that because I am an adult now and I am proud of who I have become. But I am begging you, please, please do not make me go back down there because that guy is boring. RICHARD: Emily, she's not up here! LORELAI: Thank you Daddy. CUT TO JUNKYARD (Rory and Dean are standing in front of a fenced-in junkyard) DEAN: We're here. ORY: We're where? DEAN: Come on. RORY: Dean, what is this? DEAN: Okay. Uh, did you ever see Christine? RORY: Yes. DEAN: Well, it's nothing like that. Come on. (They go through an opening in the fence) RORY: You brought me to Beirut? DEAN: It's a salvage yard. RORY: Ah. And yet it looks so much like Beirut. DEAN: Okay. Uh, here we are. RORY: Wow. DEAN: It's a car. RORY: It is? DEAN: Well, it will be. RORY: When it grows up? DEAN: When I fix it. RORY: What? DEAN: Um, it's yours. RORY: What do you mean it's mine? DEAN: I mean, I'm building it piece by piece for you. RORY: No. DEAN: Yeah. I started with the frame. The seats and the windshield just went in yesterday. RORY: You're building me a car? DEAN: Yeah, now it's gonna take awhile, but when I'm done, it'll be great. RORY: You're building me a car. You're building me a car. DEAN: That's right. RORY: You're building me a car? DEAN: I'm building you a car. RORY: This is crazy. Why would you do this? DEAN: I don't know. You didn't have one. RORY: You're completely insane. DEAN: What? I didn't want you wasting time on the bus anymore. I mean, that is very valuable time we could be arguing about your ongoing obsession with very confusing Russian authors. RORY: I can't believe this DEAN: Um, do you like it? RORY: Do I like it? Are you kidding? (she kisses him) DEAN: I'll take that as a yes. RORY: Take it mister. DEAN: Come on, get in. (Dean tries to open the door for her, but it falls off the car.) DEAN: Uh, I'll fix that. RORY: Don't. I like it like that. (they both get in the car) This is amazing. DEAN: I'm glad you like it. RORY: I had no idea that three months was the car anniversary. DEAN: Four months you get a plane. RORY: Boy, relationships sure have changed since I was a kid. (they lean back and look at the stars) I'm having one of those moments right now. DEAN: What moments? RORY: One of those moments that everything is so perfect and so wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again. DEAN: So, basically, I'm depressing you. RORY: Yup. DEAN: You're very weird. RORY: And you're wonderful. (They kiss) DEAN: Rory? RORY: Yeah? DEAN: I love you. (pause) Rory? RORY: Yeah? DEAN: Did you hear me? RORY: Uh huh. DEAN: Well, say something. RORY: I. . . I. . DEAN: Yeah? RORY: I love the car. DEAN: Uh, and that's it? RORY: No. I just. . . I'm surprised, I didn't expect. . .I don't. . . DEAN: You don't love me. RORY: No, I just have to think about it for a minute. DEAN: Think about what? RORY: Well, saying I love you is a really difficult thing. DEAN: Well I just did it. RORY: And you did it really well. DEAN: What the hell does that mean? RORY: I'm sorry. Please. This totally came as a surprise. I mean, with the dinner, and the car, and then the I just need a minute to think DEAN: This is not something that you think about Rory. This is either something that you feel or you don't. RORY: Please, don't be mad. DEAN: Why? Because I say I love you and you wanna think about it? I mean, go home and discuss it with your mother? Make one of your pro/con lists? RORY: Not fair. DEAN: I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I don't even know what I was thinking. RORY: Dean. Please, it's just not that easy for me. I mean, saying I love you means a lot. Think about it from my point of view. I mean, my mom and our life. I mean, my mom said that she loved my dad and then. . . DEAN: You don't get pregnant saying I love you. RORY: I know. I'm just confused. I need to It's a really big deal. DEAN: Fine, come on. RORY: Dean, please don't be mad. DEAN: I'll take you home. RORY: Dean, tonight was amazing. It was perfect. Please, I swear, I just need a minute to. . . DEAN: Whatever, it doesn't matter, all right? Let's go. CUT TO FESTIVAL JACKSON: Sookie? SOOKIE: Yes Jackson? JACKSON: You know what I'm thinking about right now? SOOKIE: That time I roasted some red peppers over the stove burner and singed off my eyebrows? JACKSON: No. SOOKIE: Good. JACKSON: I'm just thinking, this is really nice. SOOKIE: Me too. (Rachel takes some pictures, then walks over to a bench and sits down next to Luke.) LUKE: You getting some good stuff? RACHEL: Oh yeah, yeah, the firelight really changes people. Ya know, makes them seem happier, freer, all troubles of the world completely gone. LUKE: I don't think that's the firelight. I think it's the Founders Day party punch they've been selling. RACHEL: Oh yeah, that stuff is good LUKE: Okay, at some point, are you gonna tell me what you're doing here? RACHEL: I'm putting more film in my camera. LUKE: Rachel. RACHEL: What? I told you, I was at the airport, now I'm here. LUKE: Oh well sure, when you put it like that. RACHEL: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't sound all that happy to see me. LUKE: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a tendency to show up and then leave, quite suddenly. One of your more charming attributes. RACHEL: So you're not happy to see me? Luke, I don't know what I'm doing here. I just missed you. I wanted to see you. I don't know what else to say. LUKE: I missed you too. RACHEL: So since we're both being blunt, what's the deal with Lorelai? LUKE: What are you talking about? RACHEL: I'm talking about Lorelai, the lady who runs the inn, the one you've told me absolutely nothing about, and been very careful to leave out of every story, anecdote, or gossip about the town. LUKE: There is no deal with Lorelai. We're friends. RACHEL: For now? LUKE: Yes. RACHEL: And in the future? LUKE: Well, Lorelai is, she's just uh I don't know. I mean, at time it seems like, I don't know. But I am happy to see you. RACHEL: Good. I'm gonna get some of that party punch. You want some? LUKE: That stuff will kill you. RACHEL: Oh Luke, some things never change. (Rachel walks away. After a few seconds, Lorelai sits down next to Luke.) LORELAI: Hey. Where the hell's the fire department when you need them? LUKE: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Hartford? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: What happened? LORELAI: Climbed out the window. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: That's it. You're not curious why? LUKE: No. LORELAI: That's what I love about you. LUKE: Hey, how long you been here? LORELAI: A little while. LUKE: Did you see Harry and Taylor get into a fist fight? LORELAI: No! Aww! How did I miss that? I'm so bummed! LUKE: It was good. LORELAI: So where's Rachel? LUKE: Oh, she's a founder's party punch junkie. LORELAI: God, even the nice girls aren't safe. LUKE: Yeah. She's been running around here taking all kinds of pictures. LORELAI: She's having a good time. LUKE: I guess so. I hope so. LORELAI: So? LUKE: Yes? LORELAI: So, what's the haps with you two? LUKE: The haps? Well, lets see. What is the haps? LORELAI: I mean, like, ya know, what's going. . . LUKE: I know what you meant by the haps. LORELAI: Okay, well you're repeating it like a thousand times. LUKE: I was pondering. LORELAI: Well you ponder really slowly. LUKE: If I did it fast it wouldn't be pondering. Pondering by nature is a slow connotation. LORELAI: Okay. Fine, fine. LUKE: It's okay. LORELAI: Is she staying? LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: Do you want her to? LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: She seems to really like you. LUKE: Yeah she does, but she doesn't have the greatest attention span. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: But she is here. LORELAI: Yes, she is. LUKE: I don't know. You spend a lot of time debating things, ya know, is it right, is it wrong, or should I do this, should I do that. I mean, sometimes you should just jump in and take a shot. What's the worst that can happen? She left before, I lived. Maybe this time. LORELAI: I think that's really great. LUKE: You do? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: Thanks. LORELAI: You're welcome LUKE: Well, I guess I'm gonna go check up on Rachel. LORELAI: That's nice. LUKE: What? LORELAI: That you have somebody you can go check up on. That's nice. LUKE: Yeah it is. Unless she's completely drunk and throwing up. LORELAI: Still nice. LUKE: I'll see you tomorrow? LORELAI: Tomorrow. CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE (Lorelai walks in, picks up phone, dials, sits on the couch.) MAX'S MACHINE: Hi, you've reached Max Medina. I'm not here right now so leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you. Thanks. (Rory walks in. Lorelai hangs up the phone.) LORELAI: Rory? RORY: We just broke up. (Lorelai walks to Rory and hugs her.)

Luke's ex-girlfriend Rachel arrives in Stars Hollow unexpectedly, and immediately picks up on the attraction between Luke and Lorelai, which they deny. Rachel decides to stay for awhile, which leaves Luke and Lorelai with mixed feelings. Lorelai and Rory are amazed when Emily agrees to excuse Rory from Friday night dinner so that Rory and Dean can celebrate their three month anniversary. When Lorelai arrives for dinner, she discovers the source of Emily's largesse -- her mother has invited another guest -- a man with whom she secretly hopes to fix Lorelai up. After a painful dinner with one of the world's most boring men, Lorelai attempts to escape through the window of her old bedroom, but is caught in the act by Richard. When he is forced to admit that even he is bored by the man, he uncharacteristically covers for her and lets her make her getaway. Back in Stars Hollow, Dean treats Rory to a wonderfully romantic dinner, and then gives her a present: a car that he's restoring for her. As they sit in the car, Dean professes his love, but Rory is unsure how to respond.

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-[Real World]- (Mary Margaret, who has escaped from her cell, has fled to the woods. Meanwhile, Henry sits on a bench reading his book at the station. Emma and Mr. Gold see him.) Emma: Henry. What are you doing here? Henry: I came to congratulate you. Emma: For what? Henry: Your genius plan. Mr. Gold: And what plan's that, Henry? (Henry doesn't respond.) Mr. Gold: Right. (Mr. Gold leaves Emma and Henry alone in the hall.) Henry: Sorry. I thought Mr. Gold was in on it, now that he's Miss Blanchard's lawyer. Emma: In on what? Henry: The escape plan. Emma: The what? (Mr. Gold calls out from the other room.) Mr. Gold: Sheriff, could you join me, please? (They join Mr. Gold and see Mary Margaret's empty cell.) Mr. Gold: She's gone. Emma: Henry, what did you do? Henry: Nothing. She was gone when I got here. Mr. Gold: Her arraignment's tomorrow. If she's not there... Emma: She's a fugitive. Doesn't matter if she's convicted for Kathryn or not - she's screwed. I have to go find her before someone notices she's missing. Mr. Gold: Oh, you mean Regina? Emma: The arraignment's at eight A.M. I'm sure she'll be here bright and early to celebrate her victory. Mr. Gold: Well, you have until eight A.M., then. Henry: Uh, what about me? How can I help? Emma: Go home. Henry: Emma, if she leaves Storybrooke... Emma: Not now, Henry. Come on. Mr. Gold: Miss Swan, I know time is of the essence, but if Miss Blanchard doesn't return... Her future's in jeopardy. And if you're caught helping her, so is yours. Emma: I don't care. I'd rather lose my job than my friend. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma gets in her car and drives down a deserted road near the woods. In the fog in the distance, a figure can be seen. Emma doesn't notice in time, and narrowly avoids hitting a man. He jumps out of the way and falls down an incline. She gets out of her car to assist him.) Emma: I'm so sorry! Are you okay? I didn't see you there. Jefferson: Uh, I think so. Emma: Are you sure? Jefferson: I'm fine. I'm not used to sharing the road with cars so late. You're the Sheriff, aren't you? Emma: Yeah. Jefferson: What brings you out here in the middle of the night? Emma: Oh, nothing to worry about. I'm just looking for a lost dog. Jefferson: Well, I hope you find it. Emma: Thank you. (Jefferson tries to walk, but has an obvious limp.) Emma: Oh, you are hurt. Jefferson: No, I just twisted my ankle, I think. I live just a mile down the road. I'll make it okay. Emma: No, let me drive you. I insist. Jefferson: Thank you. I'm Jefferson. Emma: Emma. (The two of them get into Emma's car.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jefferson runs through the woods, seemingly trying to escape from something. He stops to rest by a tree, but is caught by his daughter, Grace.) Grace: Papa, I found you. Jefferson: You certainly did. You must be part bloodhound, my dear Grace. Grace: Now it's my turn to hide, and you seek. Jefferson: I'm afraid playtime's over. Though, you can still use that nose of yours to hunt mushrooms. Enough to sell at market tomorrow. Do you think you can do that? Ready or not, here we come. (They head back to their house, where the Evil Queen's carriage is parked outside.) Jefferson: Wait. Grace: Whose carriage is that? Jefferson: The Queen's. Grace: In our house? Do you know her? Jefferson: Of course not. Now, listen carefully. Hey. I want you to stay hidden in the woods. Like our game. I'm going to find out what she's doing here. (Jefferson enters the house, while Grace runs off into the forest. Inside, the Evil Queen is waiting.) Evil Queen: I'd like to say you're looking well, Jefferson, but I'd be lying. Poverty doesn't suit you. Jefferson: What are you doing here, Regina? Evil Queen: I have a job for you. Jefferson: I don't do that anymore. Evil Queen: Yes, I heard you hung up your hat. Why? Is it because of your sweet daughter Grace? Jefferson: Because of my work, she lost her mother. I don't want her to lose her father, too. Evil Queen: So, now you're foraging for fungus. What kind of future does your daughter have here with you? Do this one last favour for me, and you can give her the life she deserves. Jefferson: That's why I'm staying. You don't abandon family. That's... What she deserves. Now, please leave. Evil Queen: All I need is your special skills to get me somewhere. Somewhere you've been before. Do it, and I can change your life. (She hands him a piece of paper.) Jefferson: What business could you possibly have there? Evil Queen: Something of mine was taken and found its way over there. I want it back. Jefferson: Then, find someone else to get it. Evil Queen: I see. Hard living has strengthened your resolve. Well, I'm sorry I couldn't convince you, but I understand. There's nothing more important than family. -[Real World]- (Emma and Jefferson pull up to a large house on a hill. The two of them get out.) Emma: Wow. This is your house? It looks more like a hotel. You must have a huge family. Jefferson: Nope. It's just me. (Emma sees Jefferson struggling to get up the stairs, and goes to help him inside.) Emma: Here. Wait. (Inside, Emma is waiting in the living room when Jefferson enters with a tea tray.) Jefferson: Here we go. I thought you might want to warm up for your search. It's cold out there. Emma: That is kind of you, but I think I should get back to it. Jefferson: I know. That's why I brought this. I'm a bit of an amateur cartographer - mapping the area is a hobby. Maybe, this will help you track down your dog. (He lays out the map on a table.) Emma: Wow. Jefferson: What's his name? Emma: Spot. Jefferson: Cute. (Emma looks over the map while she sips her tea. She begins to act drowsy.) Emma: Well, Route Six runs the boundary of the forest, so... So, if I just follow that, I should... Be able to... Jefferson: Is something wrong? Emma: I'm just, uh... Feeling a little... (Jefferson catches Emma and drags her over to the couch.) Jefferson: Oh. Let me help you. Emma: Dizzy. Jefferson: Let's just lie you down here. There you go. Let me get you some air. Emma: Your limp... Jefferson: Oh. That. I guess you caught me. Emma: Who are you? -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jefferson and Grace are at an outdoor market. They come to an old woman, who is selling toys.) Grace: The toy cart! Woman: Come. (Grace picks up a stuffed rabbit.) Grace: Wouldn't this make the perfect guest for our tea parties, Papa? Can I have him? Please? Jefferson: Excuse me. How much for the rabbit? Woman: That costs one silver. Jefferson: Would you take it for eight coppers? It's all I have. Woman: Oh, you are good father. Your last coppers for your little girl's happiness, ah? Jefferson: Thank you. Woman: Oh, I did not say I accept. Alas, I cannot take less than one silver. The economy. You understand. Grace: It's okay, Papa. Come on - people are waiting. Jefferson: I will not take no for an answer. Grace: Papa, please. I don't need it. Jefferson: Come on, sweetie. (The old woman walks away from the crowd to a mirror.) Mirror: Well, that was awfully cruel. You could at least let the girl have her toy. Evil Queen: Where's the fun in that? (The old woman's face briefly morphs into the Evil Queen's.) -[Real World]- (Emma wakes up bound and gagged on the couch. She looks around and sees that Jefferson is gone. She sits up and notices her fallen teacup on the floor. Emma throws a pillow over the cup to muffle sound, and then breaks it with her feet. She manoeuvers herself onto the floor, grabs a shard of the broken cup, and cuts through her binds. She tries to open one of the windows, but discovers that they're all locked. By the windows, there is a telescope pointed at the Sheriff's station. Emma hears a noise coming from the room across the hall. She peeks in and sees Jefferson sharpening a pair of scissors.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (At their home, Jefferson finishes making a stuffed rabbit. He places it on a chair next to Grace, who is having a tea party.) Jefferson: I know it's not the same as what you wanted. Grace: I love it, Papa. Thank you. (Grace pretends to pour tea.) Grace: Mm. This is really good. Don't you think so, Mr. Tortoise? Papa, do you like your tea? Jefferson: Grace... I want you to go to the neighbours' for the rest of the day. There's work I have to do. Grace: Can't I come with you? I like being with you in the forest. Jefferson: I'm not going to the forest, sweetie. Grace: This has to do with the Queen's visit, doesn't it? Whatever she wants you to do, don't do it. Jefferson: Grace, I have to. I want you to have what you need. Grace: All I need is you, Papa. Please, stay. Jefferson: Come here. I know. I'm sorry, baby. I have to go. Grace: Just promise me you'll come back. You have to promise. Jefferson: Of course. Grace: For our tea party. Promise? Jefferson: I promise. I won't miss it for the world. Go. (Grace leaves. Jefferson opens a locked chest, and pulls out a hat box.) -[Real World]- (Emma slows edges out into the hallway. She slowly creeps down the hall, but steps on a creaky floorboard. Panicking, she quickly enters the closest room. Inside, Mary Margaret is gagged and tied to a chair. Emma starts to untie her.) Emma: What is going on? MMB: Emma, thank God. Emma: What are you doing here? MMB: I was in the woods, trying to get away. Then, this man appeared out of nowhere and grabbed me. Why are you here? Emma: I've been trying to find you. You escaped, remember? How did you get out? MMB: There was a key... In my cell, under my pillow. Someone put it there. Emma: Who? MMB: I don't know. I'd like to know just as much as you. (Once Mary Margaret is free, they both head for the door. Emma checks the hall and sees that it's clear. The two of them start down the hallway, but are stopped by Jefferson. He's armed with a gun.) Jefferson: I see you found Spot. Emma: I've already called for backup. They'll be here any second. Jefferson: You haven't called anybody. For the same reason you didn't tell me about her. You don't want anybody to know you're here, which means, nobody does. So, now tie her back up. (Emma ties Mary Margaret to the chair, again. MMB: Emma... Emma: It's going to be okay. (She gags her.) Emma: Your telescope - you've been watching me. Why? Jefferson: I need you to do something. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jefferson meets with the Evil Queen at her castle. He enters with the hat box and is escorted by several guards.) Evil Queen: Jefferson. So good to see you looking more like yourself. I assume you're here because you've reconsidered my offer? Jefferson: I want your guarantee. That, if I do what you ask, my daughter will want for nothing. Evil Queen: You have my word. Now, let's open that box of yours and see what it can do. (He pulls a top hat out of the box.) Evil Queen: I do so like a man who dresses for the occasion. (Jefferson places the hat on the floor and spins it. It begins to spin on its own.) Jefferson: Step back. (The hat forms a purple vortex.) Jefferson: After you! Evil Queen: Together! (They link arms.) Jefferson: Hold on! (They both jump into the vortex and are transported elsewhere.) -[Real World]- (Jefferson brings Emma to a room with several top hats lining the walls.) Emma: I don't know what you think you're doing, but if you hurt my friend, I swear I'll make you regret it. Jefferson: Hurt her? I'm saving her life. Emma: How do you figure that? Jefferson: Don't play stupid. We both know what happens when people try to leave Storybrooke. Emma: What are you talking about? Jefferson: The curse. Emma: What curse? Jefferson: The one keeping us all trapped. All except you. Emma: Have you been reading Henry's book? Jefferson: Henry? You mean the Queen's father? Emma: Henry, the mayor's adopted kid. Jefferson: Oh, Henry. Your Henry. And his book of stories. The ones that you choose to ignore. Maybe, if you knew what I know, you wouldn't. Emma: Why have you been spying on me? Jefferson: Because, for the last twenty-eight years, I've been stuck in this house. Day after day, always the same. Until one night, you, in your little yellow bug, roll into town, and the clock ticks, and things start to change. You see... I know what you refuse to acknowledge, Emma. You're special. You brought something precious to Storybrooke - magic. Emma: You're insane. Jefferson: Because I speak the truth? Emma: Because you're talking about magic. Jefferson: I'm talking about what I've seen. Perhaps, you're the one that's mad. Emma: Really? Jefferson: What's crazier than seeing and not believing? Because that's exactly what you've been doing since you got to our little hamlet. Open your eyes. Look around. Wake up. Isn't it about time? Emma: What do you want? Jefferson: I want you to get it to work. (Jefferson sits Emma down in front of a table of sewing supplies and materials.) Emma: You want me to get what to work? Jefferson: You're the only one that can do this. You're going to get it to work. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Jefferson and the Evil Queen end up inside Jefferson's hat. There are several different coloured doors lining the walls.) Evil Queen: I forgot how magnificent you are. Jefferson: I'm not here to relive the past. I'm here for my daughter. (He points toward a door made of glass.) Jefferson: Here - this is the entrance. It's important that we stick together. Same amount of people that go through have to come back. No more, no less. It's the hat's rule, not mine. Evil Queen: I understand. (They enter through the mirrored door and arrive in Wonderland. Along the path, they encounter the Caterpillar.) Caterpillar: Who are you? Who? Who? Jefferson: I hate Wonderland. -[Real World]- (Emma and Jefferson are still in the sewing room.) Jefferson: Make one like that. Emma: You want me to make a hat? You don't have enough? Jefferson: Well, none of them work, do they? Or else you wouldn't be here. Now, make a hat, and get it to work. Emma: I don't- Jefferson: You have magic. You can do it. Emma: The hats, the tea, your psychotic behavior... You think you're the Mad Hatter. Jefferson: My name's Jefferson. Emma: Okay. You've clearly glommed onto my kid Henry's thing. They're just stories. The Mad Hatter is in Alice in Wonderland - a book. A book I actually read. Jefferson: Stories. Stories? What's a story? When you were in high school, did you learn about the Civil War? Emma: Yeah, of course. Jefferson: How? Did you read about it, perchance, in a book? How is that any less real than any other book? Emma: History books are based on history. Jefferson: And storybooks are based on what? Imagination? Where does that come from? It has to come from somewhere. You know what the issue is with this world? Everyone wants some magical solution for their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic. Now, get it to work. Emma: Here's the thing, Jefferson - this is it. This is the real world. Jefferson: A real world. How arrogant are you to think yours is the only one? There are infinite more. You have to open your mind. They touch one another, pressing up in a long line of lands. Each just as real as the last. All have their own rules. Some have magic, some don't. And some need magic. Like this one. And that's where you come in. You and your friend are not leaving here, until you make my hat. Until you get it to work. Emma: And then what? Jefferson: Then I go home. -[Fairy Tale World]- (In Wonderland, Jefferson and the Evil Queen come to a hedge maze.) Jefferson: You want to go in there? Evil Queen: What I want is a short walk through. Jefferson: A short walk? You know who this belongs to. Evil Queen: The Queen of Hearts. She's not one for subtlety. Jefferson: This wasn't part of our deal. You know what she does to anyone that crosses her. Evil Queen: Indeed. Better than most. You can't leave Wonderland without me. Two go through, two go back. You're not going to let the Queen of Hearts keep you from returning to your daughter, are you? (Jefferson says nothing and begins to follow her.) Evil Queen: That's what I thought. Jefferson: Wait. (He picks up a branch from the ground and throws it towards one of the walls. The hedge grabs the branch and pulls it into the wall.) Jefferson: Stay away from the walls. Evil Queen: I've got a better idea. The walls should stay away from me. (The Evil Queen magically creates a fireball, and blasts a path through the maze. The two of them proceed until they reach they reach a vault containing a wall of hearts like the Evil Queen's. She pulls a drawer open and takes out the box.) Jefferson: Okay? You got what you need. Shall we? (The two of them go to leave, but are suddenly ambushed by several of the Queen of Hearts' guards.) Guard: Trespassers! Halt! (Jefferson and the Evil Queen begin to run through the hedge maze. The guards follow and try to stop them, but are thwarted by the Evil Queen's magic. They run back to the burned path, where the Evil Queen magically causes the hedges to reform. They end up back at the mirrored door they entered through.) Jefferson: The Looking Glass! There it is! (Jefferson sees that the Evil Queen has stopped.) Jefferson: C- What are you doing? We can't stop now. We got to get out of here. Evil Queen: There's something I need to do first. (She breaks off a piece of mushroom.) Evil Queen: A little snack. Jefferson: Are you mad? Do you know what the food here does? Evil Queen: I'm well aware. (The Evil Queen sets the opened box on the ground and places the piece of mushroom inside. Purple smoke emerges from the box and materializes into Henry I.) Evil Queen: Oh, daddy! Jefferson: This is what she took from you? Your father? Evil Queen: The Queen of Hearts has always seen me as a threat. So, she wanted some leverage. I got it back. Henry I: The Queen's soldiers - we must hurry. Jefferson: You knew only two can go through the hat... Which is why you didn't tell me about your father. Evil Queen: It was the only way to make sure you'd help me. (Jefferson tries to chase after them, but his feet are swallowed by the ground.) Jefferson: Wait! Wait! Wait, please. My daughter... My Grace... She's... She's waiting for me. I promised her I'd... I'd be home for tea. Evil Queen: A promise which you now have broken. If you truly cared for your daughter, you never would've left her in the first place. You were right, Jefferson. You don't abandon family. (The Evil Queen and her father go through the mirrored door.) Jefferson: No! No... (The Queen of Hearts' men finally catch up to Jefferson. Two of the guards drag him away.) Knave of Hearts: Take him to the Queen. [SCENE_BREAK] (The guards bring Jefferson before the Queen of Hearts and several other citizens of Wonderland. Her face is covered by a veil and uses a tube to speak through.) Knave of Hearts: Her Majesty says she knows you're responsible for helping to steal from her. Jefferson: The Queen, she tricked me- Knave of Hearts: That woman's name is Regina. There is only one Queen - the Queen of Hearts. Jefferson: Yes, of course. My apologies. Now, please... Knave of Hearts: Her Majesty wishes to know how you got to this world. How did you come to Wonderland? Jefferson: If I tell you, will you let me go home to my daughter? Queen of Hearts: Off with his head. (One of the guards decapitates Jefferson with an axe. However, he does not die. Another guard holds up his head.) Jefferson: I'm alive? I'm alive! Knave of Hearts: If you wish your body back, then answer. How did you get here? Jefferson: The... The... The hat. My hat. We used my hat. Knave of Hearts: Where's the hat now? Jefferson: She took it - Regina. Knave of Hearts: If all you require to travel to your homeland is this magic hat, then surely, you could make another. Jefferson: I can't. A hat without magic is just a hat. It won't work. Knave of Hearts: Then, there's your task. Get it to work. -[Real World]- (Emma and Jefferson are still in the sewing room. Emma has made a top hat.) Emma: I can't make it work. What you're asking me is impossible. Jefferson: No! It has to be. If it's not, I'm never going home. I'll be cursed to live in this house forever. Emma: What is so cursed about your life? Look at this place. It's beautiful. It doesn't seem cursed to me. Jefferson: It's cursed because, like everyone else here, what I love has been ripped from me. Take a look. (He gestures for Emma to look through a telescope. She sees a little girl and her family eating dinner at home.) Jefferson: Her name is Grace. Here, it's Paige. But it's Grace. My Grace. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch her day in and day out, happy, with a new family? With a new father? Emma: You think she's your daughter? Jefferson: I don't think - I know. I remember. She has no idea who I am. Our life together, where we come from. I do. That's my curse. Emma: To remember. Jefferson: What good is this house, these things, if I can't share them with her? Emma: If you really think she's your daughter, why don't you reach out to her? Why don't you tell her? Jefferson: And destroy her reality? I'm trapped by knowledge. How cruel do you think I am? You think I'd inflict that awareness on my daughter? It's hard enough to live in a land where you don't belong. But knowing it, holding conflicting realities in your head...will drive you mad. Emma: That's why you want me to make the hat work, isn't it? You just want to take Grace home - to your world. Jefferson: It's the one world where we can be together... Where she'll remember who I am. Emma: I know what it's like to be separated from your kid. Jefferson: Yeah, you do, don't you? Emma: It can make you feel like you're losing your mind. Jefferson: I'm not losing my mind. I'm not crazy. This is real. Emma: Maybe. Maybe, it is. Jefferson: You believe? Emma: If what you say is true, that woman in the other room is my mother. And I want to believe that more than anything in the world. So, maybe you're right. Maybe, I need to open myself up more. Maybe, if I want magic, I have to start believing. Jefferson: So, you're... You're going to help me? You can get it to work? Emma: I can try. (When Jefferson turns around, Emma grabs the telescope and hits him in the head. He's knocked unconscious.) Emma: Crazy son of a bitch. (Emma takes Jefferson's gun and heads to the room where Mary Margaret is tied up. She ungags her and begins to untie her.) Emma: Hey. It's alright. I'm going to get you out of here. You're going to be okay. He can't hurt you anymore. MMB: Emma! Look out! (Jefferson tackles Emma, who then falls into Mary Margaret, causing the three of them to fall on the floor. The gun is knocked from Emma's hand, and she and Jefferson scramble for it. The two of them fight, while Mary Margaret tries to untie herself from the chair. Jefferson eventually wrestles away the gun and points it at Emma. The scar around his neck can now be seen.) Jefferson: Off with his head. (Mary Margaret frees herself and grabs a croquet mallet, which she uses to hit Jefferson. While he is temporarily distracted, Mary Margaret kicks him out the window.) MMB: Are you okay? Emma: Yeah. (They look out the window, but Jefferson is gone and only the hat remains. The two of them head outside.) Emma: There's no sign of him anywhere. MMB: Who was he? Emma: A very lonely man. By the way, have you been taking kickboxing and not telling me about it? MMB: I have no idea where that came from. (They walk around the side of the house, and discover Emma's car under a tarp.) MMB: Emma, look. (Emma removes the tarp and looks inside. She finds the keys in the car.) MMB: So, Sheriff, I guess you'll be taking me back now. (Emma throws the keys to Mary Margaret.) Emma: Here. Go. MMB: You want me to run? Emma: No, but it's your choice. Just know something - running ain't easy. I've done my share of it. And once you go, there's no stopping. MMB: Emma, everyone thinks I killed Kathryn. Emma: Mary Margaret, you have to believe me. You have to trust me. I know it seems impossible, but I can get you out of this. MMB: Why is it so important to you what happens to me? Emma: Because, when Regina framed me, and you bailed me out, I asked you why. And you said you trusted me. And then, when I wanted to leave Storybrooke cause I thought it was best for Henry, you told me I needed to stay because that was the best for him. And I realized, all my life, I have been alone. Walls up. Nobody's ever been there for me - except for you. And I can't lose that. I cannot lose my family. MMB: Family? Emma: Friends. Whatever. You know what I mean. Wouldn't you rather face this together than alone? (Mary Margaret gives the keys back to Emma. In the distance, the clock chimes.) Emma: The arraignment. Regina. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina arrives at the station. Inside, she is surprised to find Mary Margaret sitting in her cell reading the newspaper.) MMB: Madam Mayor. Regina: Good morning. (Mr. Gold appears.) Mr. Gold: Excuse me, but my client is not having any visitors. Regina: Of course not. Mr. Gold: I'll see you out. (Mr. Gold and Regina go out into the hall.) Regina: What is she doing here? Mr. Gold: She came back. Regina: You said this was going to work. That she'd take the key, that she'd go. Mr. Gold: And she did. But, it seems that Miss Swan is rather more resourceful than we thought. Fear not, Your Majesty. Miss Blanchard is still guilty of murder. You may yet get what you want. Regina: Oh, I better. The only reason I made a deal with you, Gold, is because I wanted results. Mr. Gold: And results you shall have. See you at the arraignment. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is sitting on a bench outside of his school, when Emma approaches him.) Emma: Henry. Well, I found Mary Margaret. Henry: How is she? Emma: She's okay. Other than being on trial for murder, she's fine. (A group of kids walk past them.) Paige: Hi, Henry. Emma: Who is that? Henry: Her name is Paige. She goes to school with me. Emma: Henry, do you have your storybook with you? Can I see it? Henry: Yeah. Why? Emma: I'm just curious about something. (Henry takes the book out of his backpack and gives it to Emma. Emma flips to the story about Jefferson.) Henry: What? What is it? Emma: Nothing. Henry: Emma? Emma? (The bell rings.) Henry: I got to go. Emma: Right. Can I hold on to this? Henry: Absolutely. -[End]-

While searching for a missing Mary Margaret, Emma is kidnapped by a man whose affinity for hats has him teetering on the edge of madness. Meanwhile, viewers will be transported outside of the fairytale land that was for the first time when the Evil Queen persuades a skillful man of magic to come work for her one last time and travel to Wonderland in order to help steal something from the Queen of Hearts.

fd_Queer_As_Folk_04x10

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[Brian and Justin are in bed, kissing. Justin is straddling Brian. Looks like our s*x drought is about to end. Ummmm... not so fast. As they continue to kiss, Brian has a sudden flashback to the surgery.] Woman: Relax and count backwards from ten, Mr. Kinney. [Brian tries to get down to the business at hand. He rolls Justin over and tears open a condom, which evokes an image of the incision. Obviously, this is not an actual memory; it's Brian's imagination, reminding him of what's no longer there. He looks down, checks the equipment, which seems to be malfunctioning. The moans of pleasure are gone; on his face is a look of intense concentration, not to mention stress and aggravation. But he's not ready to concede defeat. He applies lube. At the moment he tries to push inside Justin, he visualizes the diseased ball being sucked out of his body. Brian gives up. He slides off Justin and sits on the edge of the bed.] Brian: Don't say anything. Justin: Look, I'm sure it's just a temporary malfunction. It takes time for your body to heal itself and for you to regain your strength. Be patient. (Rubbing Brian's shoulder). Everything'll be up and running again in no time. Brian: Thanks for not saying anything. [At the Novotny-Bruckner household, life proceeds as usual. Intent on spending Mikey's newfound riches before they're earned, Hunter nags for a new wardrobe.] Hunter: I wanna get those cool Pumas and a pair of Diesel jeans, maybe two. Michael: Hey, whaddaya think I am, made of money? Hunter: Like yeah! You're having a movie made. Michael: We hope. And I didn't work my ass off so I can put expensive jeans on yours! Hunter: Ben. I wanna get a couple pairs of Diesel jeans. Ben: Pull up your pants. I can see your shorts! Hunter: That's the f*ckin' point! Michael: We're taking Hunter to buy some new clothes. Hunter: And have pizza and go to a movie. Michael: Not a Brett Keller movie. So - tomorrow night? The mall? The three of us? Ben: Sure, fine. (His cell rings) Must be Mark. He has the flu; he asked me to cover his class. (Talks into the phone) Hello? Hey! Uh-huh. Sure. Uh, breakfast, lunch, whatever. Yeah, see you then. Michael: For somebody who's laid up with the flu, he has a pretty healthy appetite. Ben: Oh yeah, that wasn't Mark, that was Anthony from the library. Remember I told you about him? Michael: Yeah, how could I forget? He only calls you every hour! Ben: That's not true. Hunter: Maybe he has a crush on you! Ben: That's not true, either. He's just a nice kid who wants to be a writer. We get together and discuss books. That's ALL. So - tomorrow night, pizza, movie and Diesel jeans. Hunter: Tight! B: (eyeing Hunter's ghetto-fabulous baggy jeans) Yeah. Loose. [Emmett and Drew making the beast with two backs in a motel room.] Emmett: Touchdown! [He rolls off Emmett and goes into the bathroom to towel off.] Emmett: My, how the boy can score! Drew: I got a good kicker. Emmett: I'll say. Drew: That's a quarterback's secret weapon. Emmett: Speaking of secrets, does your fiancee know? Drew: Know what? Emmett: That you're - Drew: That I'm - ? Emmett: Do I really have to say it? That you're - the "H" word. Drew: Hard-bodied? Hot? Hung? Yeah, she knows all that. Emmett: I meant homosexual? Gay? Queer? Drew: I'm not a fag! Emmett: Did I use that word? Drew: A fag's a sissy, a girl, a pansy. You think I'm that? Emmett: Hardly! Drew: A fag can't even throw a ball. You know how far I can throw? Emmett: I reckon a country mile. Drew: I'm a hero to millions. Name one fag who's a hero. Name one fag who gets a call from the President saying, "Great game!" Name one fag that's f*cked every Dallas cheerleader - and I don't even play for Dallas. Name one fag who every kid wants to grow up to be. Emmett: Harvey Fierstein? Drew: (laughs) So why would anyone think I was a fag? Emmett: Maybe cause you had your dick up my ass? Drew: So I like to f*ck guys. It doesn't mean that I love them, or want to kiss them or even know them. It's just for fun, to get off. No one's to ever hear about this. Understand? Emmett: Who'd believe me if I told them? [At the gallery, Auerbach is being interviewed by a perky girl reporter about his show which is opening tomorrow. Girl reporter is flirting with Sam. He flirts back. Lindsay looks on, plainly jealous.] Reporter: Tomorrow your exhibition opens here. Tell me, Mr.Auerbach, why did you use Pittsburgh? Sam: Well, I didn't know a goddamn reason to come here, either will be. Reporter: I think that's all we need. This was great. Thank you. Sam: [kisses her hand] Anytime, honey. Sam: How was I? Lindsay: OK, I guess. I wasn't really listening. I was working. Sam: Glad I didn't distract you. Lindsay: Not hard. Sam: You know, I have a strange feeling that I'm being ignored. Strange because I mean, let's face it, I'm not used to being ignored. In fact, I think the last time it happened I was 14, Susan Schroeder was her name. She ditched me at a Tastee-Freez for a guy with a triple scoop. Broke my heart. Lindsay: Well, you needn't worry. I haven't been to a Tastee-Freez in years. So why don't you go over and flirt with that nice girl reporter and leave me to my work? [Brian is back in the saddle again - at Kinnetik, at least.] Brian: (phone rings) Harvey! When have I ever let you down? Name one time! OK, name a second. Hold on. Mr. DeCarlo, sorry to keep you. Right on schedule. Looks great. When? Hold on. (Talks into intercom) Tell Jacob that if the art for Dandy Lube isn't on my desk by 9 a.m. Friday, he'll be teaching remedial finger-painting to kindergartners. (Back to phone) Mr. DeCarlo? How does 10 a.m. Friday sound? (Back to Harvey) Harvey, did you think of a second? See, I told you! Stop worrying, I'll get you the back cover! [Ted walks in just as Brian is hanging up.] Ted: Jeez, with an act like that you should be in Vegas, making tigers vanish into thin air! Brian: Throw me a bone, I'm trying to juggle 15 balls at once! [Ted throws Brian a look.] Brian: No remarks. That's a nice suit! Ted: Worked wonders on Son of Dandy Lube. Brian: You know, I like your new-found self-confidence, Theodore. Far preferable to your former lack thereof. Ted: So what's my next assignment, Jim? Cynthia: Congrats! Brown Athletics is committing a cool mil to snag a model for their new underwear line. Ted: Well, as luck would have it, I'm available! Cynthia: Unfortunately, they're looking for someone with a higher profile. Brian: Not to mention a bigger basket! Cynthia: They want a famous sports figure. Ted: I happen to be Pittsburgh's 1986 junior class ping-pong champion! (A beat) Well, runner up. Brian: So at what hour of the day or night am I supposed to conduct this star search? Ted: I'll do it for you, Bri! Brian: You? Ted: Yeah! I landed Dandy Lube, didn't I? Look, I'll talk to some agents, a few managers, see who's interested and put together a short list. Final draft choice, of course is yours! Brian: That sounds perfect, except for one itty-bitty detail. You don't know a f*cking thing about sports. Ted: But I know about s*x, what looks good in a pair of shorts. After all, I am a gay man and s*x is our national pastime. [Justin and Michael.] Michael: These drawings of Rage and JT are hot. Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a fuck-fest with some great-looking guy? Justin: Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid. Michael: That is so not true! Just because you don't want to see it - Justin: It's not that I don't want to see it. It's that I can't imagine it! Michael: Well, I can. When he and his hunky boyfriend, the world-famous paleontologist, Professor Ken Kirschner, get it on, they really rattle the old dinosaur bones! Except ever since the scientific community rejected the Professor's latest research findings, they haven't felt much like doing it. Justin: I know what that's like. JT hasn't gotten a rise out of Rage since Ice Tina zapped him with her radiation gun. Michael: You mean - Justin: Not since the operation. Michael: I thought the doctor said that - Justin: Nothing would be affected? Something sure as hell isn't working. Michael: Maybe he just needs some Viagra. Justin: You try telling him that! Michael: Okay! So how about we take a little trip to Chinatown? Justin: I already ate. Michael: I meant to see Master Ni. Justin: Who's he? Michael: He's this herbalist Ben sees. He says he's a miracle worker. He gave him this stuff that actually helped lower his viral load. Justin: C'mon, you don't actually believe that! Michael: Chinese medicine has been working for thousands of years, who am I to doubt it? Besides, if he can help lower Ben's count, maybe he'll be able to raise - Justin: The Titanic? [Ben and Anthony are strolling along what passes for the Carnegie Mellon campus.] Ben: Give them an assignment to critique one of Tennessee Williams' plays and what do they do? They rip them to shreds like a pack of jackals! Anthony: Oh, you know how some queers are. They're not content to criticize. They have to seek and destroy. Ben: All I know is, it's a lot harder to create something than it is to tear it apart. Anthony: Like your book! That must have been like giving birth. Ben: Most people have no idea. Anthony: I do. Every sentence I write - or try to - is agony. I don't know why I do it. Ben: Probably for the same reason I do. You have no choice. If you ever want me to read anything, a story, chapter, sentence, just ask. I promise to be gentle. Anthony: I'm sure you would be. So what do you think about Edmund White? Ben: His essays and articles on being positive influenced me tremendously. But I particularly love his autobiographical fiction. In fact, "A Boy's Own Story" influenced me to write "Are You One" Anthony: Then how about coming with me to his lecture tomorrow night? I've got an extra ticket. Ben: I would love to, but I already made plans with my partner and our foster son. Anthony: That takes priority. But in case something changes, I'll save you the seat. Ben: OK. [Lesbian s*x. Mel blowing Lindsay. But she look bored] Lindsay: Honey, that feels wonderful. But do you mind if... Mel: What? [Lindsay take a dildo from the table.] Lindsay: If we used this? Mel: We're haven't used this since many years. Lindsay: It's just I don't feel in the mood for this. But if you don't want to... Mel: No, no, it's what you want. Just give it a try. [Mel turns on the dildo.] [Deb's done with her shift for the night. She brushes right past Brian, who's at the register, paying for his take-out order.] Waitress: Here you go. Brian: Thanks. Waitress: Take it easy, Deb'! Debbie: Yeah, you too, Betty honey. See yo. [Brian follows her outside, he catches up.] Brian: In case you didn't notice, I was in the diner. Debbie: I noticed. Brian: Walk you home? Debbie: No, that's OK. Brian: It's late. Debbie: I've been doin' it on my own for 20 years. I can take care of myself. Brian: And you've got a right hook to prove it. [He rubs his jaw. Deb's attitude softens, but only slightly.] Debbie: You're working late? Brian: Just gotta get the job done. Debbie: Used to be the only reason you'd stay up was because it was still up. Brian: A lot of things used to be. Debbie: You're telling me. Brian: I shouldn't have said what I did. About Vic. Debbie: You're damn straight you shouldn't have! Not that you were wrong. He was lucky he got those extra years. But it's the way you said it, just tossing it off like it didn't mean a thing! Like his whole f*cking life didn't mean a thing! Brian: I can see your point. Debbie: Yeah? So why didn't you see it then? Brian: Maybe because I didn't know I had cancer then. Debbie: What? Brian: You gonna make me say it twice? Debbie: I just wanted to be sure that I heard - Brian: You heard it. Debbie: sh1t! Are you - ? Brian: All right? They think. But - who the hell knows? Debbie: Well then, what the f*ck you doing out at two in the morning? You should be home, getting your rest, honey! Brian: I can't sleep, keep having these dreams. Debbie: Well, force yourself. And make sure you eat. You hear me? You gotta keep your strength up. Brian: Yes, mother. [She buttons his coat. Even superheroes need a little nurturing sometimes.] Debbie: Does she know? Brian: (shakes head). So far, just Michael and Justin. And - Theodore. Debbie: And nobody told me? Brian: I'm telling you. Debbie: How come? Brian: So that you'll forgive me and take pity on me. Debbie: Son-of-a-bitch. (She stands on tiptoe and hugs him.)You gonna be OK, you hear me?] [Lindz is making a shopping list.] Lindsay: I'm making a list for the grocery. Butter, pie, old milk. Can you think of anything else? Mel: Batteries. Lindsay Huh? Mel: After last night we need more of them. You were hot, honey. Lindsay: Fruit, apples, bananas? Mel: By the way, I talked to Dusty and she said that we can drop Gus off around 4:00, which gives us plenty of time to get ready and go to the opening. Do you want to go together or do you have to get there early? Lindsay: Oh, I don't need to be there at all. Mel: Oh, so you can be a guest, just like anyone else. Lindsay: I mean I've decided not to go. Mel: What are you talking about? It's your show, you put the whole thing together. Lindsay: I know. Mel: So wouldn't you want to - Lindsay: I've spent enough time on it, okay? It's time I started being more attentive to you, to our family. Michael even had to go to Lamaze for me. Mel: Hey, hey, hey. When I start feeling like I'm not getting enough attention, I'll let you know. Now, I want you to go and get some of the attention you deserve. Lindsay: Well, maybe I'll stop by when it's over. See how it went. [They kiss.] Now, I'm up for the grocery. [Liberty Diner. Emmett is surprised to find Ted poring over sports magazines in the diner.] Emmett: Since when did Ted Schmidt, reigning opera queen of Pittsburgh, trade in Puccini for pigskin? Ted: Since I told Brian I'd help him find a famous sports figure to model Brown Athletics' new underwear line. Emmett: Mmmm...sounds hot! So which hunky jock did you select to drop trou and smile for the birdie? Ted: I don't know who any of these guys are. Emmett: Perhaps I can help you out. Ted: You? Look, at least I know the difference between a football, a baseball and a basketball. Emmett: Balls are balls. What about him? Ted: Who? Emmett: Drew Boyd. Star quarterback for the Ironmen. 62% pass completions, threw two touchdown passes last game and ran for two? Led all quarterbacks in the league in rushing yards. I mean, if he keeps playing the way he's been, he's a cinch to lead his team to a conference championship, then to the Superbowl. [Ted just stares at him.] What? Ted: How do you know all that? Emmett: Life's full of surprises. He's also gorgeous. Look at that smile! And those broad shoulders, those burly, burly arms. And that rock-hard butt. Ted: Alright, alright. You're drooling all over the magazine! He is hot. Too bad he's straight. Emmett: A girl can always dream! [And now we have Justin and Mikey's Excellent Adventure in Chinatown. At the herbalist's store, Michael approaches the old man behind the counter.] Michael: Excuse me, we're looking for something to improve performance. Man: You a singer? Dancer? Comedian! Michael: No, not that kind of performance. (Whispers) Sexual performance. Man: Eh? Justin: Sexual performance! Man: (Loudly) Sek-shul. Sek-shul? Sek-shul! (He calls over to woman) Woman: Sek-shal! (they confer in Chinese) Man: You not get hard. Come too fast? Michael: No, it's not for me, it's for my friend. Woman: Oh, that's what they all say, huh? Low chi. Exhausted chen meridian. Man: You have the crown of fire in your gate of life. But no worry. We make you hard. Like rock! Michael: I told you - it's for someone else! Justin: It's for my boyfriend. He had to have a testicle removed and they gave him radiation. Woman: Oh, cancer. Edema. Man: Western medicine. Kill you before it cure you. Too much water. Drown out his fire. [They mix together a strange herbal concoction.] Man: Make a tea. Very good s*x! Michael: (to Justin) See? I told you! [The couple confer in Cantonese. We see the dialogue in subtitles.] Man: Which one you think is the top? Woman: They both look like major bottoms to me! [Michael and Justin stand there smiling like a pair of idiots, unaware that they're being the topic of discussion.] [Meanwhile, Brian has taken matters into his own hands (so to speak). He's in the steam room of the gym, with a towel covering the strategic places. A potential trick is aggressively cruising him, but Brian doesn't look too interested. This is not a blase act; he's really not into it, but he allows the guy to start fondling him. He's not here for pleasure; he's here for medicinal purposes! Brian keeps looking down, checking the equipment to see if it's working. No luck. Brian pulls away and leaves, a look of pained disgust on his face.] [Drew and Emmett, they have no such problems. In yet another hotel room, Emmett and Drew have yet another post-coital chat.] Drew: It's your turn. Emmett: I'm in not hurry. Have I ever tell you how hot you look in your undies? Drew: You and every women. Emmett: How many man? It's a shame the rest of the world can't see. Drew: See what? Emmett: How gorgeous you are! Drew: I know. Emmett: I'm serious. You should display your manly charms. Drew: Flash my cock in Playgirl? Emmett: I was thinking more like - mmm, underwear ads? Drew: (laughs) You're kidding. Emmett: I have this friend who works for an ad agency? He says Brown Athletics is looking for a famous sports figure to be their new underwear model. And you are quite the figure. Drew: I'm not posing in my shorts. Everyone will think I'm a homo. Emmett: What everyone will think is, 'I wish I had a body like that and that someone would pay all that money to show it off!' C'mon, pose for me. Drew: Here? Emmett: Why not? I'll snap your picture. C'mon, show me what you got. Yeah, make love for the camera. That's the way make me suck your dick. [Michael is getting a crash course in parenting annoying teenagers.] Michael: Will you stop nagging me already? I'm not gonna pay $150 for a pair of jeans? Hunter: Diesel is quality, man! Michael: They're ripped full of holes! They're gonna be rags after two washings! Hunter:Please, Dad? I mean, dude? [The conversation is interrupted by Ben's arrival home.] Michael: There you are! Hurry up and put down your books. We've gotta go to the mall. Ben: If it's OK with you, I think I'll pass. Michael: No, it's not OK. We had this planned. Hunter: Trashy movie, greasy pizza, overpriced clothes! What more could a man ask for? Ben: I got invited to a lecture. Edmund White. Hunter: Who? Ben: One of our greatest gay writers. Michael: Who invited you? Ben: Anthony. Michael: Anthony. Ben: Look, this is important to me. Michael: And this is important to Hunter! Ben: It doesn't take two of us to buy him a pair of jeans. Michael: That's not the point! Hunter: Hey, hey! It's just the mall! In fact, how about you both not go and give me your credit card? Michael: Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion, but I'm still going. (To Ben) I'm sorry you're not. [Lindsay arrives at the gallery after the show is over] Lindsay: I'm sorry Sidney, I'm late. But I couldn't be helped. Mel had to work late, my hands are full. Sidney: So were mine. Excepting cheques, VISA or Mastercard. Lindsay: Then it was a success? Sidney: Awesome! It's too bad you've missed it. Lindsay: Why you're goin' home? I'll close up. Sidney: Don't forget to turn on the alarm. [Sidney goes and she turns out the lights. One, two - she bumps into Sam.] Lindsay: Oh my God! You scared me to death. Sam: Good thing I came back from the can. You would've locked me in. Lindsay: What are you doing here? Sam: Well, I had an opening tonight, in case you forgot. Lindsay: I didn't forget. Sam: Well then, where the hell were you? Lindsay: I had things to attend to! Sam: Don't give me that sh1t! This is the most important night of your life! Lindsay: Don't flatter yourself. Sam: Your Aunt Minnie could have died and you wouldn't have missed it. Lindsay: I don't have an Aunt Minnie. Sam: Yeah? Well, I do. And believe me, if you knew her, that's all the more reason you would have been here. So why weren't you? Lindsay: I already told you. Let me lock up so I can go home. Sam: What's your rush? You just got here. [He starts taking off her coat.] Lindsay: What are you doing? Sam: Responding to my senses. That's what an artist does. Lindsay: Well, tell your senses to respond to this: Back off. Sam: You sure? Lindsay: Yes, I'm sure. Sam: Well, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I think you've got a lot of contradictory feelings going on here. Lindsay: Oh, is that so? Sam: Yeah. From the minute I met you, you wanted me to f*ck you. Lindsay: Why, you smug, arrogant - I want you to leave. Now! Sam: Sure. But you ain't fooling me, lady. And more important, you ain't fooling yourself, either. Lindsay: Don't you dare tell me how I feel! You have no idea how I feel! And it isn't true what you said! Sam: Liar, liar! Lindsay: I have no feelings for you. I mean, how could I? I'm a lesbian. [He grabs her and kisses her.] Sam: That's how! [She grabs him. They f*ck upside a painting.] [Back at Anthony's apartment after the lecture, he and his little adjunct are sharing a bottle of wine.] Anthony: He was amazing! And to think I never would have heard of him if it hadn't been for your class. Ben: Oh, I'm sure you would have discovered his work eventually. Anthony: I thought the part where he talked about how being positive changed his life was particularly powerful, didn't you? [He tries to pour Ben more wine - Ben puts a hand up.] Ben: Oh, I'd better not. Anthony: Oh, c'mon. You've gotta help me finish the bottle. Ben: You know what? It constantly impresses and amazes me how we're confronted with the worst of circumstances we as gay men somehow manage to rise to the challenge. Anthony: Like Edmund White. Like you. [Now Anthony makes his move. He leans over and starts macking on Ben, who doesn't seem to hate it, but all in all, he'd probably rather be at the mall buying overpriced pants and eating greasy food.] Ben: Anthony. If this is where all this has been leading, you've made a mistake. Anthony: I don't think so. Ben: I have a partner. We have a foster kid. Anthony: I know. And I'm not asking for anything I can't have. All I want is this. From the moment I saw you, I've fantasized about you, admired you, wanted to be like you. That's why I want you to give me the gift. Ben: What? Anthony: I want you to be the one. Ben: Anthony - Anthony: Make me positive! Like you! It's gonna happen anyway. It's just a matter of time before it does. Ben: Not if you're safe. Anthony: Why be safe? All my friends who've converted say they feel liberated. Free. They don't have to worry about it anymore. It's over, done. And I want to be like them. Like you. [He makes a move on Ben who gets up off the sofa.] Ben: It's late, I have to get home. [He gets his jacket and leaves.] [Meanwhile, back at the loft, Justin brews Love Potion #9 for Brian.] Justin: Here. Drink this. Brian: Smells like yak sh1t. Justin: Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that was in it, too. It's a magic potion from a Chinese herbalist. Brian: Will it make me small? Justin: I'm hoping that it will make you large. Very, very large. [Brian drinks it down like a good boy.] Brian: That is disgusting. Justin: Who cares, long as it works. [They kiss.] Justin: Do you feel anything? Brian: If you're expecting my glasses to steam up, I hate to disappoint you. Justin: It's supposed to rekindle the fire in your life gate. Brian: My life gate. Justin: I know it sounds ludicrous, but if it works, who gives a sh1t? Brian: Yeah, well, maybe it can stop me thinking about what's no longer there. And that in its place is this piece of plastic. Or from picturing them from sucking a bloody, disease-ridden ball out of me. Or from feeling so shitty from having them burn me to a crisp from their raygun that all I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in - only I'm too busy vomiting. Who knows? Maybe then I might even be able to get it up. Justin: (comes up behind Brian and rubs his shoulders) There's gotta be something. Brian: Well, whatever it is, it's not a cup of Lipton's. [Lindsay, the Scarlet Woman, tiptoes stealthily into the bedroom, where Mel. Unsuspecting Melanie wakes up when Lindz creeps into bed.] Mel: You're all wet. How was the opening? Lindsay: It practically sold out. Mel: That's great. Congratulations. Lindsay: Thanks. Mel: Now aren't you glad I made you go? [SCENE_BREAK] [Debbie is in church, talking to God.] Debbie: As you know, I don't come here a lot. I figure you've got enough on your hands without hearing from me. But this is important. It's about my brother Vic - Vic Grassi? He's gay which seems to bother some of the people you got working for you. But I say - considering what's been going on in your Church lately, they've got some helluva nerve judging others. I'm sure You have more love in Your heart than they do and that there's a special place in Heaven just for Vic. But keep an eye on him? Just in case. One more thing. Brian Kinney. No doubt You've heard of him. He wouldn't like me telling You this but - the biggest organ he's got is his heart. So please, God. Make him well. Please. I guess that's about it. Thanks for listening. Amen. [She stuffs some money in the box and starts to leave. On the way out, she runs into a familiar face: Joan Kinney, coming in for her daily dose of hellfire and brimstone.] Debbie: Joan? It's Debbie. Debbie Novotny? Joan: Hello, Debbie. I'm surprised to see you here. Debbie: As I was just saying, I don't stop by too often, but when the going gets tough, I still haul my ass back here like a good little Catholic girl. Joan: Well, that's the blessing of suffering. It brings us closer to God. Debbie: Well, that's one way of looking at it. Another way is to say to Him, "Could you cut it out already?" Joan: I heard about your brother's passing. Please accept my condolences. Debbie: Thank you. Joan: I remember when I lost my sister. I felt like I had lost my best friend, my confidante, my witness. Debbie: That about sums it up. Joan: Well, at least we have our children. That's some comfort. Provided they're talking to us. Well. God bless. Debbie: Joan - when's the last time you spoke to Brian? Joan: It's been awhile. Debbie: Well - you might want to give him a call. Joan: I doubt he has anything to say to me. Debbie: Well, there might be something you want to say to him. [Ted and Emmett. They're at Ted's place. Ted checks a message on his cellphone.] Ted: I got him! Emmett: Got who? Ted: Drew Boyd has agreed to be the new underwear model for Brown Athletics. Emmett: That's wonderful, Teddy! Ted: It's beyond wonderful. It's incredible, it's astonishing, it's - unbelievable! Emmett: It's not that unbelievable. After all, they are paying him $1 million. Ted: How do you know that? Emmett: Well, they are, aren't they? Ted: Yeah, but - Emmett: So why are you so amazed? Ted: Never mind. Emmett: You know, I absolutely hate when you do that. Ted: Do what? Emmett: Start to say something and then say, "never mind!" Then I have to spend the next ten minutes begging you to tell me what it is. Ted: I never knew it irritated you so much, why didn't you tell me? Emmett: Well, what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk. Ted: (sulking) I would not sulk. Emmett: And then I'd have to spend the next ten minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so will you please just tell me what the f*ck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance? Ted: I forgot what it is I wasn't gonna tell you. Emmett: You weren't gonna tell me why it is so unbelievable that Drewsie - uh, Drew Boyd - said yes. Ted: Right. Because I was sure that he would say no, that he would turn me down flat, and then I'd have to face Brian's wrath for being a wretched failure. Emmett: But that's not what happened. He said yes. Ted: And it's all because of you. Emmett: Me? Ted: Well, you're the one who suggested him, aren't you? Emmett: Oh, yeah, suppose I did. Ted: Although I must have been pretty damn impressive to convince a big-time jock like Drew Boyd to stand around in his shorts! [And now a little closure for Ben and Anthony, when Ben checks out some books at the library.] Anthony: I'm sorry about last night, Ben. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward situation. Ben: It wasn't so much awkward as it was upsetting to learn that what you really wanted was for me to give you - "the gift." Anthony: You were - and still are - my inspiration. Ben: Then listen to me. You have no idea what it's really like to be positive. No book, no lecture could ever describe that so please believe me when I tell you that you don't want it. You don't. It's not what you think. Anthony: Thanks for trying to talk me out of it, but it's too late. See, I went to a party last night. Ben: What kind of party? Anthony: It's called a conversion party. I had unprotected s*x with a dozen or so guys. It's not the way I would have preferred it. Hopefully it worked. Ben: Anthony, for God's sake! Anthony: They said I should know in a couple of weeks. The same time these books are due back. [Looks like Joanie decided to take Debbie's advice. Brian is giving her a tour of Kinnetik.] Joan: Your new office is very impressive. And I like the name, Kinnetik with two n's. It's very clever. I'm glad to see you're doing so well. Brian: Well, that makes two of us. Joan: I saw that Debbie Novotny in church this morning. Brian: What the hell was she doing there? Joan: What most people do. Pray. She's quite a character. Brian: Yeah, well, I'll drink to that. Joan: I don't know how her poor son ever survived. Brian: Maybe because she loved him. Joan: And I love you. You may not believe that but it's true. That's why it hurts so much that I had to hear it from her and not from you. Why didn't you tell me? Brian: The reason being? Joan: So I could help you! Brian: Well, I'm a big boy, Mom. I can dress myself. Joan: I meant pray for you. Help you to see God's plan. Brian: (with irony) God has a plan. Joan: He spared you for a reason. Do you know why? Brian: To torment you! I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering. Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload. Joan: Brian. Whatever anger, whatever hatred you have for me, you're still my son. And that's why I'm trying to save you from the eternal fire. Every time you engage in behavior that the Bible says is an abomination, you're adding another eternity to your sentence. Brian: Yeah, well, I wish I was engaging in it. Joan: It brings tears to Jesus' eyes knowing that you've sinned. But only you can save yourself from God's punishment. Brian: You think God gave me cancer to punish me? Joan: It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can. Brian: I can? Joan: It won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. You'll have to be strong, harden yourself. Brian: I want to be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard! Oh Lord, make me hard, so that I can f*ck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom! So that I can use the one ball I have left! Joan: Shame! Shame on you! [She flees in horror. Brian follows her out of his office, into the main office area and yells after her.] Brian: If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in Hell, it's better than spending one good day in Heaven with you! [Brian goes back into his office, then he suddenly realizes - he's got a hard-on.] Brian: [looks above] Thank you! [Emmett and Drew in bed, in a motel room.] Emmett: So in this dream there is this gigantic billboard of you, Time Square like 40 story of building in your underwear. Drew: Haven't I said I do a great posture? Emmett: Anyway, you know I have this eccentricity about size. And your crotch goes from the sixteenth to twenty-third floor. The amazing this is the billboard comes to live. So I leave out under your shorts, pull them down and you have the humongest boner that exstance halfway across Time Square. So I claim out onto to give you a blowjob and when I hang out, doin' my thing and suck'n you. You huge and it's like an exploding jizz and I ride it and land safely in front of the Theater. Drew: You a very weird guy. Emmett: You know what that means? On one thing you're bigger than a life person. Drew: Good. Emmett: And I guess, I'm afraid that once the rest of the world sees you, I'll be just another face in the crowd. [Drew kisses him.] Emmett: What'd you do that for? Drew: Cause I wanted to. [Brian in a black wifebeater - prowling Babylon, looking for - Justin! He picks up Justin and whirls him around.] Brian: Hey. Justin: What's up? Broan: Funny you should ask! (Turns around, arms raised) Is that not a thing of beauty? Justin: And a joy forever! [And ever, amen. They head for the backroom to celebrate.] Justin: So that happy time tea actually worked? Brian: Mmm...Unlikely. Justin: Then whence the woody? Brian: Let's just say that God gave me a second chance. I don't wanna blow it, but you feel free to. [And Justin assumes the familiar position.] [Michael is reading a manuscript while Ben waits for the verdict.] Ben: Well? Michael: You sure you want my opinion after the last time? Ben: I wouldn't have asked you to read it if I didn't. Michael: OK. My honest opinion is... It's brilliant. I mean it. At first I was shocked and even disgusted that anyone would even want to be positive, but somehow by the end, I really felt sorry for the guy. That he could be that lost. And alone. It takes a pretty amazing writer to be able to pull that off. [They hug and kiss.] Ben: So how was the trip to the mall? Michael: I splurged, I bought Hunter his jeans. Ben: Ohhh... Michael: And he got us something. A CD. Ben: Not some rap crap. Michael: Now, now, dear, mustn't criticize the younger generation's music. [Michael puts on the CD and they begin dancing.] Ben: [hear the first beats and laughs] Oh, Michael... Not bad. [Music: Reo Speedwagon #Can't fight this feeling. A romantic love song.] Reo Speedwagon # Can't fight this feeling I can't fight this feeling any longer. And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship, Has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let it show. I tell myself that I can't hold out forever. Michael: You know what part of your story I like best? Ben: What? Michael: The part where the gift giver decides not to sleep with the bug chaser and comes back to his partner. [Cut to black screen.] And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, On a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore, And throw away the oars, forever. Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. And if I have to crawl upon the floor, Come crushing through your door, Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore. My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you. I've been running round in circles in my mind. And it always seems that I'm following you, girl, Cause you take me to the places, That I'd known I'd never find. And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, On a cold, dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. #

Brian deals with the effects of his surgery. A former student of Ben's causes a rift between Ben and Michael until Ben discovers why he was being showered with attention. Emmett secretly helps Ted find an athlete to model Brown Athletics' new underwear line. Lindsay struggles with her attraction to Sam.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_05x03

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_05x03_0

SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mines. [SCENE_BREAK] (Men whistling "Heigh-Ho") Grumpy: Our yield's way down, boys. I know Dopey's a tree, but we got to be more productive since he can't. Happy: He's producing oxygen. (Laughter) Grumpy: Hey. Let's stay focused. Emma: Yes. No one wants a nasty surprise. Grumpy: You're not getting any dust, sister. Emma: Actually, I'm shopping for something else today. Something with... edge. Happy: My axe. Emma: Oh, Happy, there's something I learned as the Dark One. If your name is on something, hold on to it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Merlin's tower. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: If we're going to free Merlin, we need witchbane. Belle: Yeah, but the labels are all faded. Emma: Forget the decloaking potion. It's not a glamour anyway. Regina: You sure? Mary Margaret: If I'm getting this right, the tree could actually be him transfigured, right? Belle: We could find out with a sample. Regina: Yeah, and when we snap off a twig and it turns into a finger, who's crying then? Come on, someone. Witchbane. Emma: You guys sure you don't want me to just wiggle my nose and get him out of that tree? Mary Margaret: No. Regina: Your magic is dark now. It's not worth it. I'll just keep pretending to be the savior destined to free him, and we can do this together. David: Regina's right, Emma. Arthur: I heard someone say a woman is right. That's always a safe assumption, isn't it, David? King Arthur: How are you progressing, Madame Savior? Regina: Um... progress. Slow but sure. Belle: It's, uh... marvelous having Merlin's own books to work with. It's like talking with the master. Mary Margaret: Oh. What if we could talk to him? Emma: What? Regina: Yes. (Chuckles) You are... very occasionally... a genius. Belle: Yes, if we talked to him, he can tell us how to get him out. David: A mushroom. Regina: Toadstool, actually. Deadly poison. Extremely useful in communicating across barriers, even through spells. Says here it's called the Crimson Crown. King Arthur: Yes, I know this name. It's rumored to grow in Brocéliande, the Forest of Eternal Night. Its existence is the stuff of legend, though. Almost certainly fiction. David: People say the same thing about us. How far? King Arthur: A half day's ride. But if it is there, it'll be protected by magical forces. Mary Margaret: You know what, David? Wait until we know more. David: It's not like I'm needed here. It's a chance. Mary Margaret: Oh. Aww. David: I'm taking it. (Indistinct conversations) King Arthur: Hold! David: Your Majesty. Don't try to talk me out of this. King Arthur: I wouldn't dream of it. I just wanted to propose, Prince David, if it's quite all right with you, that I come along and lend aid. Come with me and we can get ourselves outfitted, and then we can quest together as brothers. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Sheriff's station. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: This question mark... That's my handwriting. I must've marked this page in Camelot. I don't know if this is the right answer, but these books came from there. I think we were looking at this for answers. Grumpy: We've been violated! David: What's the problem? Grumpy: What do you think it is? Your kid. Happy: She took my axe. Regina: Uh, dwarfs are your department. I'll stay on this. Mary Margaret: What do you want us to do about it, Leroy? Grumpy: Help us. We know she's your daughter, but you got to do something, 'cause if you won't, we will. Mary Margaret: Do not hurt her. David: It's okay. They can't. Grumpy: Like that's all that matters? Stop being a scared parent. Be our sheriff again. We need you. David: I'll see about getting the axe back. Thanks for letting us know. Grumpy: Looks like just another insult for us to swallow down. For now. (Sighs) (Indistinct conversations) Mary Margaret: Why does she need an axe? That's alarming, right? David: I don't know. I mean, what could she do with an axe that she couldn't just do with her powers? (David kicks a chair) Mary Margaret: David! David: Just wish she'd talk to us. Mary Margaret: I know. Me, too. David: Worst part is... we can't save her. Mary Margaret: Yet. We're trying. David: How? What am I doing? Mary Margaret: You're leading. David: Nobody seems to be following. Mary Margaret: Oh, don't worry about the dwarfs. David: I'm not. I'm worried about Emma and how this is my fault. Mary Margaret: She made the choice to save everyone. David: I should've stopped her. I am her father, and now I'm... I'm paralyzed. There's nothing I can do, for her, for you, for anyone. Mary Margaret: You are doing something. You are helping our people the best you can. David: That's kind of the problem. Mary Margaret: Hey. In any world, you are my hero. Remember? David: Of course. Go. I've got it. (Door opens) King Arthur: Good morning to you, Sheriff. David: Your Majesty. How can I help you? Any luck finding your blade? King Arthur: No luck finding Excalibur, I'm afraid, but I'm coming to you with something far more urgent. Our reliquary's been robbed. David: I'm sorry, your what? King Arthur: Magical relics collected by the Knights of the Round Table. They're all very precious. I had no idea it was here until it turned up in this land nearly empty. David: When you say precious... King Arthur: There was a magic bean inside. This bean can take my people home in an instant. I have to tell you I will find it if I have to search every residence in your city. David: You don't have to do anything alone. King Arthur: You can help? David: I'll get you back to Camelot. I promise. King Arthur: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Basement. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma goes to swing the dwarf axe at the Stone of Destiny which is holding Excalibur.) Darkness: A dwarf axe. Now, that's a creative path to failure. Emma: Dwarf axes cut through everything. Darkness: Nothing cuts through magic. Except maybe a kiss. Have you thought about kissing it out? (Laughs as the axe breaks on the stone) Darkness: You're running out of options, deary. You see, we want you to, uh, snuff out the light. So, we need a hero to pull Excalibur from the stone. Now... and let's face facts that's not gonna be you. So, why don't you stop messing around and go get the hero we need? Oh, and, uh, you and I both know who that is. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Merlin's tower. [SCENE_BREAK] (Sighs) Robin Hood: It's all right. You'll get it. Perhaps it's time for a spot of tea. Calm nerves lead to clear thoughts. Regina: You're here so I can keep an eye on you, mute handmaiden. I don't need you rolling your eyes at me. We need to clear the air. Fine. (Whoosh) Zelena: Ah! (Laughs) Oh, there you are, my lovely voice. It's so... light and feminine. Regina: Enough. Now... let's have a little chat about you trying to escape back to Oz. Zelena... you know you can't take that child away from Robin. Zelena: Can you blame me? You're going to take it from me. This child could be my only chance for someone to truly love me, and... you got a second chance. Why can't I? Regina: Oh, I'm sorry. But you've had a second chance and a second second chance. You can't keep painting yourself as a victim. It's absurd. Zelena: You can tell me that life is fair all you want. All I can tell you is that from in here, I'm still seeing one sister with all the toys... (whoosh) Regina: Be quiet and listen for once in your life. Zelena: (Stomps foot) Regina: You forgot who I am. The Evil Queen. I can be a far greater nightmare than you can possibly imagine. But now... my gift to you is a promise. I will make sure your baby is fine and loved and safe. Just as I promise... The same will certainly not hold for you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. The Round Table. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Wow. King Arthur: I like to be prepared. David: Is that... Percival chair? King Arthur: Yes. But no need for more apologies. A leader does what needs to be done. I'll find a man worthy to fill that seat. (Arthur gestures to the tallest chair at the table.) King Arthur: This is the one that will stand empty forever. David: I assume that was your chair. Suitable for a king. King Arthur: No. Mine is no different than the others in the same way that the table is round. Many of our order are kings and princes in their own realms. Nonetheless, happy to sit shoulder to shoulder with the rest of their knights. No one of us above the other. Except for this one. This is the Siege Perilous. Reserved for the knight with the purest heart, the one destined to carry out the most sacred quests. Belonged to a man I trusted more than a brother. But he betrayed me. It's been vacant since. David: Lancelot. King Arthur: You've heard of him. David: Well, all of you are kind of legends. King Arthur: Really? I shudder to think what our tale must be. David: Oh, only one of the greatest romances of all time. Your love for Guinevere was ripped away by your best friend, Lancelot. It's a tragic story that clearly had a happy ending. The two of you seem like all that's in the past now. King Arthur: Yes. Lancelot was a good man. The situation was difficult. David: I understand. Actually, Snow... Mary Margaret and I, we met him. King Arthur: You did? How is he? David: I'm... very sorry to tell you this, but we... learned that he died. I'm sorry. King Arthur: Lancelot failed to resist temptation, but he was a good knight. He tortured himself for his sins far more than I would've done. I wished him happy. Just not with my wife. (Door opens) Arthur: (Clears throat) (Trunk thuds) King Arthur: Careful. This... is our reliquary, containing our sacred magical items our knights have recovered. David: I've never seen magic like that. King Arthur: It's the Unquenchable Flame. Said to be part of the burning bush itself. This will light our path, and where we're going, we're gonna need it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Camelot camp. [SCENE_BREAK] Squire: The reliquary, Your Majesty. David: So, you're the one who found this broken into? Any theories? Squire: Me? Oh, well, um... everyone speaks of the Dark One in this place. Perhaps... King Arthur: Stop being a fool, man. David: Arthur, to be honest, she did take a dwarf axe. King Arthur: And, as you're about to say, the Dark One doesn't need tools. This lock was pried open. You can see the scratches. David: You're right. King Arthur: This is your land. What are you thinking? David: I'm thinking I may not know who did this. But I think I have a good idea of what their next move will be. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Ah, I know that look. Button on the top turns it on. Robin Hood: I know how to use a phone. Hook: What's that, then? Robin Hood: It's a picture from up inside Zelena. Hook: Whoa, mate. Robin Hood: No, n-no. It's of the baby. They... they call it a sonogram. Hook: Oh. Mixed emotions, I bet. Robin Hood: (Sighs) I mean, I know it's painful for Regina. Her evil sister carrying my child. It's painful for me. And yet there's some part of me that can't help but feel happy. It's my child. And I sure don't want Regina to know that. I don't want her to misconstrue my happiness for, well... Hook: You got yourself a complex situation there, that's for sure. Robin Hood: Hmm. Unlike your simple love life. Hook: Ha. About that. She's not the same. Her new house, there's a door in there that she doesn't want me anywhere near. What do you suppose she's hiding? I was thinking that may... Granny: Order up. Hook: Order? I didn't order anything. Robin Hood: What does it say? Hook: "Meet me on your ship. Emma." Robin Hood: You're right. Things are complicated all over. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jolly Roger (the real Lady Washington) at the docks. [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook enters the cabin.) (Floor creaks) Hook: That's not funny appearing like that. Emma: Sorry. Hook: What's going on? Emma: I know this has all been really confusing and I have not made it any easier. I wanted to apologize for overreacting last time. I know you're just trying to help. So, I thought... We could just talk and have lunch, like old times. Hook: I'd like nothing more. But this is hardly like old times. (Hook sets the bag of food down on the table, which is transformed into a banquet with a checkered table cloth. Emma is now in her pink dress, with her undyed blonde hair in a pony tail.) Emma: Better? Come on. You know you can trust me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Brocéliande, the Forest of Eternal Night. [SCENE_BREAK] David: What is it, noon? You weren't kidding about eternal night. I'm glad we have a torch. King Arthur: I'm glad we sent Grif home with the horses. These woods would make him restless. David: Your squire works hard, Your Majesty. King Arthur: "And you don't thank him enough." I can hear you saying it even when you don't. You're right, though. I don't even have the excuse of ignorance. I was born a common man and I've been in service myself. David: You weren't born noble? King Arthur: (Chuckles) I'm as peasant as they come. David: Shepherd. King Arthur: Ah. (Chuckles) I can feel my backbone relaxing already. Let's stop with the "Your Majesties," shall we? David: Of course. King Arthur: As for my squire, I assure you Guin more than makes up the difference. Showering him and the others with gifts. She really is the kindest woman I've ever met. David: Sounds like my wife. When she decides you're family, she'd die for you. King Arthur: That's not to say Guin doesn't have her fierce side. With a bow and arrow, I've seen her take out the eye of a dove in flight. David: Mary Margaret could do that. She wouldn't, but she could. King Arthur: We should have a tourney. Get them to compete. David: (Chuckling) Right. 'Cause I'm sure they'd love to be pitted against each other to let us feel good about ourselves. King Arthur: Here. Then perhaps there are better ways for me to show off. David: You're a competitive man for someone with a round table. I thought the idea was you didn't want to sit above anyone. King Arthur: Someone who isn't competitive doesn't need a two-ton table to remind him to be humble. David: (Chuckles) King Arthur: I know my weaknesses. Lancelot and Guinevere weren't the only ones to blame for what happened to them. I was a difficult man to live with. But I made a conscious decision to fix things. David: I understand that. King Arthur: This way. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Brocéliande, the Forest of Eternal Night. Lake. [SCENE_BREAK] King Arthur: Look upon that, brother. David: So it is real. Crimson Crown. (Spyglass closes) (David steps on the bridge, and sinks into the water.) David: It'll never take both of us. I'll go. King Arthur: I'll wait here. Let the torch be your beacon back. David: Thank you. (Wood creaks) (Chuckles softly) (Wood cracks) (David starts to cross the bridge, and falls. Armor shines in the water.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] David: How's he doing? Belle: Not well. David: I'm sorry. Belle: Yeah. But I-I found a healing spell in one of his old notebooks, and I've got everything put together except for one last ingredient. I, uh, I need an object that touched him when he was still a man, before he became the Dark One. David: You must have something. Belle: Well, nothing I can find. Still more to look through, though. David: You want me to get you some help? Belle: No. I'm the only one who knows this place, knows his things, and I need to keep doing something. David: Well, then we'll make this quick. Has anyone come in to pawn anything today? King Arthur: Especially a magic bean. Belle: Uh, a bean? No. No one's come in. Sorry. David: Ah, it was worth a shot. That's all right. You have something else I need. May I borrow this? (David picks up a silver chalice.) Belle: Uh, yeah. David: Good. This is gonna point us right at our culprit. King Arthur: What is it? Belle: It's not magic, though. It's just a souvenir from Doc's birthday party. It says "Doctoberfest" on it. David: I'm very well aware. Don't worry. I've got this. (Bell jingles) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Camelot camp. [SCENE_BREAK] David: Attention, subjects of Camelot! In my hand, you see the Chalice of Vengeance. There's been a theft in your encampment. (Murmuring) David: The chalice will tell me which among you is the thief. So, line up for your chance to drink from the sacred cup. (Footsteps running) (Crowd gasps, murmurs) (Horse neighs) Squire: Hyah! (King Arthur's squire rides off on his horse, and David grabs his truck to pursue. King Arthur calls shotgun.) David: Hold on! Squire: Hyah! Hyah! David: Take over! Speed is feet, direction is hand. (David climbs into the back of the truck as King Arthur takes the wheel.) (Horse neighs) David: Circle around! (Horse neighs) (Panting) (Gasping) (David uses a wooden plank as a joust to knock the squire off the horse.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Brocéliande, the Forest of Eternal Night. Lake. [SCENE_BREAK] (David cuts the mushroom from the island, while the armor underwater starts to move. The armor rises out of the water and attacks David. One armor pulls David underwater, and King Arthur saves him by pulling David up.) David: Thank you. King Arthur: Think nothing of it. It would appear you did it. Well done. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jolly Roger (real Lady Washington). Cabin. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: I have questions. Emma: You want to know if I'm still the same Emma. Hook: I imagine that's not a simple answer, so let's start easy. Your new house. What's behind that locked door? (Emma just looks at Hook.) Hook: You know I want to trust you, Emma. Why don't you help me? Emma: So trust me. With my powers, I could hide anything from your prying eyes, anyway. Hook: Well, you've answered my first question, too. You're not the same Emma. She didn't play games. Emma: (Clears throat) Yes. I'm different. I'm better. Hook: As the Dark One. Emma: I used to be scarred and judgmental and closed off. Took me forever to see the magic in this place. And now I... I see things clearly. I'm not scared anymore. Honestly, I'm an open book, if you're willing to take that trust step. Hook: Are you really suggesting that we move forward in a real relationship? Emma: Gold and Belle loved each other. Hook: I don't think you should use the Crocodile as your example. Emma: But think about it. He was born a coward. He didn't find true love until he was the Dark One. You told me how the man he was groveled and cried on the deck of this ship. He changed for the better, too. Hook: You're wrong. I was the villain in that little drama, Swan. He was a good man trying to keep his family together. I took this cutlass and put it to his head and taunted him. I was the only one there who's changed for the better. He became an evil, manipulative killer. Emma: Do you remember when we were in the Storybook and I taught you how to swordplay? Hook: More games. Enough, Swan! All I wanted was your honesty. But I'm done... humoring you. Answer me. And start by why you brought me here. It wasn't because this is what we used to do, because that you isn't here. You need something, Dark One. Tell me what it is. Emma: All I need is your trust. I promise. Hook: I liked you the way you were. I liked your walls. I liked being the one to break them down. Emma: The person you found inside is still me. I have a question for you for once. Do you love me? If you tell me you don't love me, I will let you go. Hook: I loved you. I guess I'm either steering home or swimming home. Tell me which. Emma: The ship's yours. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Brocéliande, the Forest of Eternal Night. Lake. [SCENE_BREAK] (Both panting) King Arthur: David, what is it? David: The toadstool. It's gone. Either the phantom knights took it, or it was lost in the bog. King Arthur: We could search for it. David: No. It's gone. King Arthur: The word "quest" means to seek, not to find. It's the seeking that matters. David: You believe that? King Arthur: Not truly, no. If the finding is what makes a difference in this world, then that's what I want. I'm sorry. David: (Laughs) My father, he drank his life away. My brother accomplished nothing but evil. There was a time I thought I'd be different. Change the world. But I just... I don't want to only be remembered as the man who kissed a sleeping princess awake 30 years ago. King Arthur: I understand. David: You do? King Arthur: (Sighs) David: You're King of Camelot. King Arthur: (Chuckles) Yes, some large rock decided I was a hero. Prophecy fulfilled. (Both chuckle) King Arthur: But since then, I've had victories and I've had losses. And I've learned that it's the losses that require us to be brave. So, if anything will make us heroes... David: It's the never giving up. Even after a loss. King Arthur: Indeed. David: Well, we might as well get out of here. There's work to be done. And it's not here. King Arthur: Good man. David, if you want to be part of something, do something that matters, I have a place for a man like you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Camelot camp. [SCENE_BREAK] Squire: I never saw a bean. David: Just forget the bean for now. Just tell us why you took these things. Squire: I was tired of how I was being treated... How we were all being treated. Breaking our backs for him, for love of Camelot. I wanted to hurt the king. King Arthur: Grif, I had no idea. But, you see, you've hurt everyone. We need that bean to get home. Squire: I didn't see a bean, Your Majesty. King Arthur: I'm always betrayed by those closest to me. David: Look, you know this guy. Is he lying? King Arthur: I don't believe so. And of course, it is possible there was no bean if it was removed during the six weeks we can't recall. David: Okay, well, we'll find another way to get you home. King Arthur: Working together? David: Absolutely. (Chuckles softly) David: Let's go tell this guy he's gonna make his home in our cell for a little while. (David finds the Crimson Cap toadstool under the tent.) David: What's this? King Arthur: Must've fallen out when we emptied his bag. If that was in the trunk, it was added after the time we lost. David: I recognize this. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Ragina's Vault. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: That's the one in the book from Camelot. The one I found this morning. That's what we were looking for back there. Mary Margaret: But why? Regina: It's used to communicate through magical barriers. We must've been trying to communicate with Merlin. Mary Margaret: I wonder if we did. David: Let's use it. Let's find out. If we can talk to him now... Mary Margaret: He can help us save Emma from being the Dark One. David, you did it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. The Round Table. [SCENE_BREAK] (Applause) King Arthur: I dub thee Sir David of the Enchanted Forest. Now of the Round Table. I know "Knight of the Round Table" is pale fire, indeed, next to the title of prince. David: No. I am beyond honored. King Arthur: Then rise, Sir Knight. Take your place. (David moves towards Percival's chair, but King Arthur clears throat and points to the Siege Perilous chair.) (Murmuring) David: Really? King Arthur: I never thought I'd find anyone I trust enough to fill that seat. But it's yours. It will bear your coat of arms. Not bad for a shepherd, eh? David: (Chuckles) Thank you. (Applause) (Baby crying. Mary Margaret steps outside the room with Neal, and sees a shadow move.) Mary Margaret: Someone there? Can't be. Lancelot: It is. Mary Margaret: Lancelot. We thought you were dead. Lancelot: That is a long story. But trust your eyes... it is me. And right now, my struggles don't matter. What does is that there is a terrible villain in Camelot. Mary Margaret: The Dark One. We know. It's our daughter. We're going to fix it. Lancelot: No. There's another villain. Arthur. Mary Margaret: What? Lancelot: Trust me. Camelot is not what it seems. (Applause) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. The Round Table. [SCENE_BREAK] King Arthur: Today was a difficult day. Queen Guinevere: You lied to him, to David. King Arthur: And it brought me no pleasure. He's a good man. A noble man, but I must think of my kingdom first. Queen Guinevere: Of course you must. (Sighs) King Arthur: That is always the burden of a king. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Sheriff's station. [SCENE_BREAK] Squire: Your Majesty, thank goodness you're here. I-I don't understand what's going on. I did only what you asked. I took the items, and I kept them safe. I said maybe there was a bean, even though you and I know full well there was never a bean, and I did it exactly as you said. Can you please let me out now? King Arthur: Not just yet, Grif. There may not have been a bean, but we can't have them learning that, now, can we? Squire: No. No, of course not, Your Majesty. King Arthur: They trust me now. So I must use that trust to protect my kingdom. These people may seem friendly, but they threaten everything we hold dear. David likes to imagine his quest a noble one. But his daughter is the Dark One. They lied to us in Camelot. They brought her into our castle. They are responsible for tearing us away from our home, a home we must now reclaim. Squire: But how will we ever get back without a bean? King Arthur: I'm afraid we cannot get back. That's why we must build a new Camelot here in Storybrooke. Squire: Then you can trust me to help. I would do anything for my kingdom. King Arthur: I know you would. As would I. Which is why I need you to drink this. Squire: Poison from the Agrabah vipers. But why? I won't tell these people a thing. King Arthur: Not of your own free will, but they have magic on their side. In time, they will make you talk. Squire: There must be some other way. King Arthur: I wish there was. Truly, I do. You told me you always dreamed of sitting at the round table one day. Well, now I'm offering you something greater. A chance to die in service of Camelot. Your death will be the cornerstone of a great new kingdom. If you take this. Squire: For Camelot. (Gagging) King Arthur: For Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] (Bell jingles) Hook: Good, you're still here. Robin Hood: You need me? Hook: Yeah. Remember how I told you about that door in Emma's place? I want to know what's behind it. Robin Hood: I take it asking her didn't work. Hook: She's beyond that. I need a thief. Robin Hood: Former thief. Those days are behind me. Hook: Take it from a former pirate, those days are never behind you. Will you help me? (Bell jingles) Belle: Granny, have you got my lunch ready? Granny: Yeah, but, girl, you're gonna need more than that. Sit down for some real food. Belle: I can't. Oh, my god, look. (The last petal is on the stem.) Belle: Yeah, I have to get back to him. Just forget the soup. I'm sorry. Granny: Hang on, is it supposed to do that? (The rose petals start floating back into place.) Belle: What? He's waking up. (Plate shatters) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle finds Rumple's bed empty.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Emma's house. Basement. [SCENE_BREAK] (The darkness looks at Rumple.) Darkness: You know, he doesn't look too good... if I do say so myself. Quite a stroke of luck, you finding something that touched him when he was a man. Emma: It wasn't luck. I worked hard for this. Darkness: That's true. You crushed Hook's heart even more firmly under your, uh, impractical boot heel. Emma: Quiet. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle watches as the rose becomes whole.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present. Emma's house. [SCENE_BREAK] (Rumple breathes deeply and wakes up.) Mr. Gold: What do you want from me? You are the Dark One now, not me. Emma: That's right. You are not dark. You are also not light. You are nothing. Your heart is a blank slate. And that, little man, makes you useful. Because now I can make you into the last thing you ever thought you would be. A hero. And not just any hero. The purest who's ever lived. and then... (Emma looks at the Darkness, who nods eagerly. Rumple looks confused at the empty space behind the Stone of Destiny.) Emma: and then I have a job for you.

In Camelot, the quest to free Merlin continues when Arthur and David head to The Forest of Eternal Night, and fight to obtain a toadstool called the Crimson Crown, which can allow them to communicate with Merlin. In the present, Emma manipulates Hook in order to gain Hook's sword. In the end, Emma brings Mr. Gold out of his coma by using Hook's sword, which had touched him prior to him becoming the Dark One. She informs the newly awakened Gold that she is going to mold him into a hero who can remove Excalibur from its stone. King Arthur's true intentions are revealed in Camelot and start to emerge in Storybrooke when uses his squire, Grif, to deceive David into believing that Grif had stolen key items, all as part of a plan to turn Storybrooke into the "New Camelot."

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_04x23

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_04x23_0

MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [The Mystic Falls High School football field is all decked out for the commencement ceremony. It is deserted except for Kol, who stands at the podium, and the dead hybrids and witches from the Expression triangle sacrifices who approach him. He taps the microphone before speaking.] Kol: Welcome back. It was our deaths that allowed this day to come to pass - massacres performed in the name of resurrecting the immortal, Silas. Twelve hybrids, twelve witches, the slaughter of innocents by the so-called hero protectors of Mystic Falls. They risked unleashing hell on earth for their own selfish gains. And today that's exactly what they're going to get. TITLE CARD AND OPENING CREDITS SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Lexi is dancing and rocking out to Bon Jovi in the parlor while Stefan drinks some bourbon straight from the bottle. Damon enters.] Stefan: Damon! Help me celebrate my 17th high school graduation. [Damon turns off the music.] Hey, you remember my friend, Lexi, of course? Damon: Lexi, back from the dead. Goody. [Lexi vamp-runs at Damon and pins him against the wall with a hand over his neck.] Lexi: What's up, buzzkill? Damon: [strained] Stefan, you're just gonna sit there and let her enact her ghostly revenge? Stefan: You reap what you sow, buddy. Lexi: Let's be very clear: whatever time I have left here, I sure as hell don't plan on wasting on you. You got me? Damon: Yeah. Got ya. [Lexi releases Damon and he gasps.] Damon: So if you and Ric and little Gilbert are all flesh-like and real-seeming, that means something went horribly wrong when Bonnie tried to put that veil up. And here you two are, having dance party USA. Stefan: You're right. How selfish of me to be indulging in these precious moments with my formerly dead best friend. I should be sacrificing my own happiness for the good of others, right? I should be upstairs grooming my hero-hair. Damon: Are you drunk? Stefan: I don't know, Mom, am I? [Taking the bottle from Stefan, Lexi chuckles. Damon snatches the bottle from Lexi.] Lexi: Okay. Damon: Well, I guess that's one way to celebrate our supernatural apocalypse. [He takes a swig from the bottle.] Now, care to hazard any guesses on what the hell went wrong? MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Bonnie is in the boiler room at the school, on the phone with Caroline who is manning the yearbook table in a hallway of the school. The shots alternate between them.] Bonnie: I hit kind of a snag. Caroline: A snag? A snag is a bad yearbook picture. You hit a tsunami. Where are you? Bonnie: I'm trying to fix it, but I'm running into some trouble. I need to wait until the full moon tonight to have enough power to put the veil back up. Caroline: Are you telling me that we might graduate right smack in the middle of a ghost-filled Expression Triangle? [Bonnie glances down at her body lying on the floor. Her grams is with her, looking at it, too.] Bonnie: Maybe we should just cancel. Caroline: No, we are not going to cancel. Graduation is the most important event of our lives, the last ceremony of our youth. It is our rite of freaking passage! Hell will freeze over before I let anyone cancel graduation. Bonnie: Can you not make jokes about hell freezing over? We're not that far off from that already. Caroline: Just promise me that today is a friend day. Bonnie: Okay, I promise. I love you. Caroline: I love you, too. [They hang up.] Sheila: Go. I'll make sure no one finds your body. But Bonnie-- Bonnie: I know. Okay? I know I need to tell them, I just can't. They've been through too much already. Sheila: I know, child. I was just going to say that... Make sure you say your goodbyes. [Bonnie smiles sadly.] THE CEMETERY [Alaric, Jeremy and Elena are eating lunch together.] Alaric: [through a full mouth] Mm. Oh, my god. [Elena laughs.] Jeremy: Mm. Elena: No grease on the Other Side, huh? Alaric: You have no idea how much I've missed this. [holds up a bottle of bourbon] And this. [Elena takes the bottle.] Alaric: No, hey. Hey! [Elena takes a swig.] Jeremy: She just got her humanity back. Let her live a little. [Jeremy reaches for the bottle but Elena holds it away from him.] Elena: Hey, you wish. Jeremy: I'm dead - what are they gonna do, throw me in juvie? Alaric: Well, at least you'd have a place to live. [Smiling, Elena starts throwing food at them.] Elena: You both suck! Alaric: Hey! Now there it is - that smile. I wasn't sure we were gonna see that again. [Elena is still smiling, but more sadly, her eyes glistening.] Elena: I did some pretty terrible things. [She takes a deep breath.] Jeremy: Hey, no. No tears. If Caroline was right, we only have until tonight. We need a no-crying rule. Elena: But the crying's good. It means that I'm finally feeling something, and right now I... [she takes their hands in each of hers] I feel happy. [They smile back at her. Elena's phone starts ringing. She takes it out and looks at it.] Elena: It's the Grill - it must be Matt. [answers it] Hey, you went AWOL this morning - what happened? [It's a familiar, unexpected voice.] Connor: Hello, Elena. It's your dead friend, Connor. You remember me? [Elena is shocked.] A PARKING LOT [Matt and Rebekah are a wary audience to Alexander as he unloads weapons from Connor's trailer.] Alexander: A hidden compartment filled with advanced weaponry. Man has evolved from his days of throwing stones. Rebekah: There is nothing we can do for you Alexander. Please, let us go. Alexander: I'm not holding you here. Although, I have a feeling that exploding contraption will have a hard time parting with your handsome friend intact. [Matt is standing on a weight-sensitive explosive device.] Matt: Just go, Rebekah. I'll be fine. Rebekah: I'm not leaving you. [Alexander examines a bottle of venom, smiling in awe.] Alexander: The soldier, Connor, found a way to siphon venom from a werewolf. Rebekah: What do you want from us? Alexander: To fulfill my destiny. The brotherhood of hunters was created for one reason, and one reason alone. SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Damon opens the door to find an unexpected visitor.] Damon: Vaughn? [Vaughn lifts a guns and shoots Damon in the shoulder. The force of it causes Damon to step back and he groans in pain.] Vaughn: Got a little message for you, laddie. Straight from the mouth of the witch Qetsiyah. MYSTIC GRILL [Connor is still on the phone with Elena. The shots alternate between the Grill and the cemetery. Connor: We want Silas, and we want the cure. Elena: I don't know where they are, so I guess I can't help you. Connor: Huh. Well, you know who's gonna need some help? Grandma and Grandpa Jones, in town for the big high school graduation, along with Auntie Sue and Uncle Mark... [Alaric motions to Elena that he's going to do something. Elena nods.] Connor: Matter of fact, everybody here at the Mystic Grill for graduation brunch. You either give me what I want, or they die. SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Damon groans as he pulls the bullet out of his shoulder. Vaughn checks his gun.] Vaughn: Yeah, borrowed it from my jarhead friend, Connor. Shoots wood like lead. Damon: Come on, man. I didn't kill you. Vaughn: No, but you left me in that well on that island, where I starved to death. There I was, all alone on the Other Side, till Qetsiyah found me and reminded me of my supernatural destiny - to cure Silas, and then kill Silas. End of story-- [Suddenly Vaughn gags and falls to the floor. Stefan stands behind him, Vaughn's bloody heart in his fist. Damon gapes at him; Stefan merely raises his eyebrows.] MYSTIC GRILL [Elena is still talking to Connor over the phone. The shots alternate between them.] Elena: Please, don't hurt anyone. I'll find Silas and I'll get the cure. Connor: Good. Get it done. [He hangs up. Alaric shows up behind him.] Alaric: So, you get off on terrorizing innocent people? Connor: And who might you be? Alaric: The guy responsible for the 18-year-old you just threatened. Connor: Well, that 18-year-old snapped my neck with her bare hands. Alaric: And I'm also the guy who showed her how to do that. [Connor chuckles.] Connor: That's ironic. You must not know a damn thing about fighting if you're trying to intimidate a dead guy packing C4. [Connor opens his jacket slightly to reveal he's strapped with explosives.] Alaric: This is my bar, pal. Nobody's gonna blow it up. [Connor grins and lifts a detonator in his hand. It clicks and Alaric grabs him with vampire speed and takes him out of the Grill. He explodes offscreen, though they only get far enough that the explosion causes damage to the edge of the restaurant. The Grill patrons scream in fright.] A PARKING LOT [Matt is still trapped standing on the explosive device while Rebekah stands beside him. Alexander sits in the doorway of the trailer.] Alexander: Go ahead, sweet Rebekah. Use your vampire powers to whisk him away. I'm sure you can survive the blast of six of these... automobiles. Can he? Matt: Just ignore him. All right? Let's think about something else. Like graduation. What are your plans - college? Travel? Just because I'm never getting out of this town doesn't mean you shouldn't see the world. [Rebekah, who has been watching the device nervously as Matt's weight shifts on top of it, looks back up at him.] Rebekah: It's just been settled. I'm gonna show you life as you've only dreamt it. We'll start in Italy. There's a lovely little church-- [she glances back at Alexander] -- outside San Vittore in Brienno. Alexander: [nodding] Romantic spot. Popular for weddings. [Rebekah turns back to Matt.] Rebekah: And then I'll show you the Northern Lights in the springtime, the Simatai Gorge from atop the Great Wall of China, every inch of the Louvre. Matt: [smiling] China, Paris, the Northern Lights... It's a date. Rebekah: We'll see it all when we're done here because we can. We're alive. [She looks scornfully back at Alexander.] We're not gonna be stuck as ghosts in misery on the Other Side. [Alexander angrily gets up.] Alexander: All right, you're done now. [He throws the dagger he's holding at Matt. Rebekah moves to catch it and does, but starts to knock Matt off balance. He teeters atop the device as Rebekah regains her footing, bracing against Matt. She throws the dagger away to the ground.] Rebekah: I've got you. [Matt laughs nervously at the close call.] MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Bonnie walks down a deserted hallway, wearing her graduation gown and holding her cap. Katherine joins her smoothly from a side corridor.] Katherine: I don't think red's really your color, Bon-Bon. Bonnie: And here I was hoping the ghost of anyone would've killed you already. Katherine: Funny you should mention death, because I'm here to collect that immortality you've promised me. Bonnie: Funny you still think you're going to get it. I told you, Qetsiyah's the only witch who knows the immortality spell. If she was a no-show, you're out of luck. [Katherine moves to block Bonnie's way and they stop walking.] Katherine: See, here's the thing, Bonnie: I can't disagree with you, because I have been feeling out of luck lately. But you know who has been getting all of my luck? My beloved doppelgänger, Elena. My shadow-self is living a better life than I am, so if I don't get that immortality, I may just have to get rid of her altogether. Bonnie: Did you just threaten my best friend? [Katherine makes a face.] Bonnie: I could crush your skull without even flinching. Katherine: Go ahead. Make your move. [As she speaks, a group of students enters the hallway. Bonnie turns to look at them, and Katherine disappears.] SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Damon is rubbing his shoulder uncomfortably as he checks himself in the mirror in his room. Elena knocks on the doorframe to announce herself.] Elena: Hey. Damon: Hey. Elena: So, I think there's some stuff you and I need to talk about. Damon: Yes, we do. But first-- [He walks over to his bedside table, opens a small chest and pulls out a box. Walking over to Elena, he presents her with the cure.] Consider it a graduation present. Elena: Damon, I can't take that. Damon: Sure you can. Looks like it might be cherry-flavored. Elena: [laughing] I'm not saying I don't want it - obviously I want it. But... that's the only one. There's only one cure. And the hunters have made it pretty clear that they're willing to kill everyone in Mystic Falls until they get it. Damon: Elena-- [he puts the cure into her hand and folds her fingers over it] --take the damn thing. I want you to take it. [Elena hesitates over it, but finally puts it back in Damon's hand.] Elena: I can't. Damon: Well, I guess that answers the sire bond question. [The floor creaks. Damon looks over Elena's shoulder.] You gonna help a brother out, or are you just gonna lurk? [Elena turns to see Jeremy leaning against the doorframe.] Jeremy: Look, Elena. You're my sister and I love you, no matter what you choose. Damon: How is it even when you're dead, you're the bane of my existence? [Downstairs, Lexi crouches near Vaughn's body while talking to Stefan, who empties a blood bag into two glasses.] Lexi: So, the veil's down until tonight, he dies and goes to the Other Side, and what? Comes back all over again? How long does that take? [Stefan hands a glass of blood to Lexi.] Stefan: What, they don't give you a rulebook over there? Lexi: [laughing] You know, you're missing your chance to weigh in on the Great Elena Gilbert Cure Debate. Stefan: What am I supposed to do, tell her it's her choice? Because that worked out so well. You know, it's funny, those two are in there arguing about how to protect the world, and they have yet to address their biggest issue. Lexi: Enlighten me. Stefan: The sire bond's gone. Elena's emotions are back. She finally knows exactly how she feels. Lexi: And what if whatever she feels is for you? [Stefan considers the question for a moment.] Stefan: She's the love of my life. I'd go back to her in a heartbeat. But, if that's not how she feels, then maybe that's exactly what I need to hear to get my ass out the door. Maybe I will move to Australia. I can live in a yurt. [Lexi laughs.] Lexi: Cheers to that. [They clink glasses. Suddenly Vaughn revives and stands up.] [Upstairs, Damon and Elena are still arguing while Jeremy observes.] Damon: Come on, we don't need the cure for Silas - he's a calcified statue. [Damon groans uncomfortably.] Elena: What was that? Damon: Nothing. Elena: Take off your shirt. Damon: Elena, there are children present. Elena: Fine. [She pulls the collar of his shirt down to reveal the wound in his shoulder. He cringes in pain.] Elena: Damon, why isn't this healed? Damon: Because the bullet was laced with werewolf venom, okay? The hunters are dicks. [Elena turns away and starts pacing.] Elena: We need Klaus. We need his blood. Damon: Klaus would rather see me die. Plus, Klaus is a thousand miles away sipping Hurricanes on Bourbon Street. Elena: That wound will kill you! Jeremy: What about the cure? Elena: Jeremy's right. If you're human, the werewolf venom won't hurt you. Damon: And here I was, so moved by your speech to save mankind. [feigns listening] Sounds like Vaughn's awake. [He walks past Elena.] Elena: Damon, wait. [Downstairs, Vaughn is facing Stefan and Lexi when Damon enters behind him. Vaughn turns around.] Damon: Here. [He tosses the cure to Vaughn, who catches it.] Stefan: The hell are you doing? Damon: Digging up Silas. [He turns and walks to the front door.] You coming, Vaughn, or not? [Vaughn follows Damon out the front door; Elena arrives just as the door shuts. She turns to Stefan and Lexi, speechless.] THE QUARRY [Damon leads Vaughn to the edge of a cliff overlooking the quarry.] Damon: Here we are. Vaughn: What is it? Damon: It's where I dumped Silas. Closed off to hikers, no food for animals, endlessly deep water. Vaughn: I'm not following you, Damon. Where exactly did you put the body? [Damon humorously explains each step to Vaughn, indicating direction as necessary.] Damon: Well, um... well, let me see. So I dragged his stone ass through here, I flung him in that general direction, then he tumbled down into those weeds... I kind of lost him in the rocks. The thing about physics... wait, what is it? It's, ah, distance equals velocity times time? Guess I should've told you to bring some scuba gear, huh? A PARKING LOT [Rebekah and Matt are still braced against each other while Alexander circles them.] Alexander: Don't you two look cozy? [He walks into the trailer, leaving the two alone for a moment.] Matt: So... he seems nice. [Rebekah starts to laugh but stops herself.] Rebekah: Don't make jokes - I'll laugh and you'll fall. [Matt speaks in a low voice once Alexander is out of sight.] Matt: I'm wearing the Gilbert ring. I can't be killed by anything supernatural, so maybe if you're the one who detonates the bomb, then I won't die. Rebekah: Absolutely not. You'll blow into a billion pieces, the ring with it. Matt: There's only one way to find out. Rebekah: [nodding] Fine, okay. The first rule of truly living: do the thing you're most afraid of. [She kisses him passionately. When they break apart, Matt looks down to see that Rebekah has stepped onto the device in his place.] Matt: What are you doing? Rebekah: I can't be killed and you can't miss graduation. Please, go. Matt: No. Rebekah: Run! [He hesitates a second longer, glances at the trailer, then takes off running. Alexander comes back out of the trailer, angry.] Alexander: What have you done? Rebekah: I finally chose one of the good ones. [Rebekah runs off the device with vampire speed and the parking lot explodes.] SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Elena is pacing while discussing with Stefan what to do next.] Elena: We have to do something. If those hunters give the cure to Silas-- Stefan: They're not giving it to Silas. Wherever Damon is taking Vaughn right now, it's to stall, because Damon hasn't had time to bury Silas' body yet. [Elena stops pacing.] And that's all you need to know right now. Elena: Okay, fine. We're stalling the hunters, but Damon is still dying. Stefan: It was one bullet, and it was only laced. We still have a little bit of time. I will go to New Orleans myself and I will beg Klaus if I have to. Jeremy: Then it's settled. You're going to your graduation. [Jeremy enters the room carrying Elena's cap and gown.] Elena: Gradua-- no, Jer, I never even sent in my college applications. Jeremy: I don't care. Mom and Dad would kill you if there wasn't a photo of you in your graduation getup. Elena: Jer, no. Not if you can't be there. Jeremy: Lexi'll keep me company. You're going. [Elena finally relents and walks over to him to take her cap and gown.] Elena: Let's go graduate. [They smile at each other.] MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [The students, all in caps and gowns, are milling about the football field getting ready for the ceremony. Caroline is leaving a message on Klaus' voicemail.] Caroline: Klaus, now is not the time to decide that you are over me. I'm gonna call you every 10 minutes until you get your ass here to save Damon's life. [She hangs up as she reaches Bonnie.] Caroline: Where is everyone? Matt: [arriving suddenly] I'm here. Caroline: Where have you been? Matt: Oh, you know, making plans for the summer, dodging death by vampire hunter. Bonnie: Where's Elena? We can't do this without her. [Elena arrives right then with Stefan.] Elena: I'm here. [She hugs Bonnie.] Thank you for today. Caroline: I can't believe it. We're actually all here. We are all here together! Bonnie Bennett, are you crying? Bonnie: It's our last hurrah before you guys go off to college. Caroline: Before we go off to college. Elena: I... kinda sorta missed the deadline. You know, being an emotionless bitch. Caroline: Well, the perks of being a vampire - we can go wherever we wanna go. We can choose our own roommates. We could - we could get a triple room! [Elena and Stefan chuckle at Caroline's enthusiasm, while Bonnie smiles with tears in her eyes. Bonnie: I'm happy we're all here. Caroline: Aw - group hug! Stefan: Ah, I don't - I don't hug... Caroline: Oh, get over yourself! [The five of them close in for a joint hug. Mayor Hopkins opens the ceremony.] Hopkins: Welcome parents, family, and friends. What a beautiful day for a graduation. Thank you for joining us today on this special day, as we celebrate our graduates. So let's get started. John Albrecht. David Bance. Sarah Beasley. Um, not to play favorites, but I am especially proud of this next graduate, my lovely daughter: Bonnie Bennett! [Bonnie walks up onto the stage and hugs her father.] Hopkins: Congratulations. I'm so proud of you, sweetie. Bonnie: Thanks, Dad. Hopkins: You're welcome. Bonnie: For everything. [He seems to sense something off about Bonnie's mood, but she smiles and leaves the stage.] Hopkins: Savannah Davis. Matt Donovan. William Duncan. Caroline Forbes. Congratulations. Caroline: Thank you. Hopkins: Matt Freeman. Elena Gilbert. Congratulations. Elena: Thank you. [In the audience Bonnie, seated among the students, claps for Elena when Kol suddenly leans forward from the row behind her to speak in her ear.] Kol: Greetings, little witch. Bonnie: [not looking at him] I thought Stefan got rid of you. Kol: He did, and I spent the night crawling out of a cement grave. [He looks behind his row.] Isn't that the witch your friend Caroline killed? [Bonnie turns and is surprised to see Aja sitting a few rows back.] Kol: And over there, that's my hybrid friend, Adrian. Also dead. In fact, these seats are scattered with two dozen supernatural faces, all of whom have reason to lash out since their lives were sacrificed in order to make your Expression triangle. All they're waiting on is word from me. Bonnie: The veil goes back up tonight. Don't you have anything better to do than harrass me and my friends? Kol: [laughing] Well, that's the thing. I don't want the veil to go back up. In fact, I want you to drop it completely, so I and my fallen friends can live, Bonnie. It's time to pay the piper. [Inside the school, Bonnie leads Kol into the boiler room.] Bonnie: The Kol I remember was adamantly against hell on earth. Kol: I was, till I was in hell. Now I would very much like to be back on earth. [Kol finally notices Bonnie's body lying on the ground.] Kol: What's this? Bonnie: It's me. I died last night. I'm a ghost, and I want the same thing you want. I don't want to be on the Other Side with unfinished business. I want my parents to see me off to college, I want to decorate my dorm room with my best friends. I want to stay here, Kol. More than anything. Kol: Then what are we waiting for? Let's do it together. [He starts walking towards Bonnie, but is stopped suddenly, as though an invisible wall stands between them.] Kol: What have you done? [He tries to leave through the door they came in, but again is blocked by the magical barrier.] Bonnie: This will hold you till dark. Then, when the veil is back up, this town will be rid of you for good. Kol: But everything you just said-- Bonnie: It was true. But we don't always get what we want, do we? [SCENE_BREAK] THE QUARRY [Damon and Vaughn are still at the edge of the cliff. Vaughn looks down into the quarry while holding a gun aimed back at Damon.] Damon: [imitating Vaughn's accent] What's wrong, laddie? Can't swim? [Vaughn looks back at Damon and notices his wound creeping up his neck.] Vaughn: The hell happened to you? Damon: [looking down] Oh. Well, would you look at that. That is nasty. Vaughn: Connor... [He laughs, looking at his gun.] He must've laced these bullets with werewolf venom. Damon: Ding-ding-ding. Not as dumb as you sound. [Vaughn suddenly shoots Damon in the leg. Damon groans in pain, clutching at the new wound.] Vaughn: This was all a lie, eh? You knew you were a dead man. [He pulls the cure, which is on a string about his neck, out from under his shirt.] Well, you don't get this back. Where'd you put Silas? [Damon laughs softly. Vaughn shoots him square in the chest and Damon falls to his knees.] Vaughn: One more jolt of werewolf toxin, and you'll be dead within minutes. [shouting] Where's Silas? [Vaughn has his gun aimed at Damon's head, but Damon doesn't respond. Just as it seems Vaughn is about to pull the trigger, Alaric shows up, snaps Vaughn's neck and swings him swiftly into the quarry. Alaric turns to Damon.] Alaric: Oops. Damon: [weakly] One slight problem. [Alaric holds up the cure, dangling on the string.] Alaric: You mean this? Damon: Yes. Yes, that. MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Mayor Hopkins finishes reading the names. Alaric talks to Stefan over the phone; the shots alternate between Stefan on the school grounds and Alaric at the quarry.] Alaric: I would love nothing more than to get out of here before Vaughn comes back to life, but Damon won't take the cure. He wants it for Elena. Stefan: Okay, just hang on a little longer. Caroline's calling Klaus again. [Caroline hangs up her phone, shaking her head.] Alaric: Stefan, we are past the point of Hail Mary phone calls. What do you want me to do, stand here and watch him die, or force-feed him the cure? [Elena casts a significant look at Stefan, who remains silent.] Stefan? [Suddenly a high-pitched noise causes Stefan, Caroline and Elena to clutch at their heads in pain. Aja and the other dead witches approach them.] Aja: Remember us, Caroline? [She holds her arm out, casting whatever spell is hurting the vampires, until suddenly Klaus shows up, throws a cap like a disk at Aja and it beheads her. Her headless body falls to the ground and the noise stops.] Klaus: There are plenty more of these to go around. Who's next? I can do this all day. [Caroline turns to Klaus, smiling.] SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Damon, all healed up, strides across his room bare-chested. He's starting to put a shirt on when Elena arrives.] Damon: Hi. Elena: Are you feeling better? Damon: Yeah. Elena: So it's all healed up? Damon: Fresh as a daisy. Elena: Good. [Elena slaps a hand hard across Damon's face.] [Downstairs, Lexi, Alaric, and Stefan settle down with drinks.] Lexi: Ouch. Alaric: Yeah, I taught her that swing. [Lexi laughs.] Stefan: You know it's not polite to eavesdrop, right? Lexi: Hey, I'm short on time here. Don't rob me of what little joy I have. [Elena walks into the room.] Elena: Anyone seen Jeremy? Alaric: Oh, he went to see Bonnie. He'll be back later. You know, before... well, you know. Elena: Yeah. Stefan, can I, um... can I have a moment? Stefan: Sure. [They leave the room together. Lexi turns to Alaric.] Lexi: This could get interesting. Alaric: Usually does. Lexi: So, the Other Side... Not exactly a party, is it? Alaric: I've lived... better. Lexi: You know there's something else out there, right? There has to be. Silas' whole agenda was to find peace with his one true love, and whatever 'peace' is... it's out there. I figure once we've served our time for all the bad things we've done, then it's just about letting go, moving on. Alaric: And how are we supposed to do that when the knuckleheads we care about can't seem to keep their lives straight? Lexi: Yeah... [Stefan and Elena talk in another room.] Stefan: So, what's up? Elena: Honestly, Stefan, I just wanted to thank you. For sticking by me when I was at my worst, for believing that I was still in there. Even after everything I put you through, you... you never gave up on me. Stefan: I, ah... I kind of owed you one. [They smile at each other. After a moment, Elena holds out her hand, closed-fisted.] Elena: Here. [Stefan holds out a hand and she puts the cure into it.] Elena: It's yours. I want you to have it. Stefan: No, Elena, I'm not gonna-- Elena: Stefan. The only person worse at being a vampire than me is you. Human blood is your downfall. You got the raw end of the vampire deal. The rest of us will be fine, we'll survive. I mean, you taught us. You deserve whatever you want out of life. [She folds his fingers over the cure.] You deserve this. [Elena stands holding Stefan's closed fist in her hands.] MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Caroline stands on the football field in front of the commencement stage. Klaus approaches her.] Caroline: How'd you get here so fast? Klaus: I was already on my way. [Caroline raises her eyebrows; Klaus draws a piece of paper out of the inside of his coat.] Klaus: I received your graduation announcement. It was... very subtle. [Caroline shuts her eyes, smiling.] I assume you're expecting cash? Caroline: That, or a mini fridge. Klaus: Well, I had considered offering you a first class ticket to join me in New Orleans... but I knew what your answer would be. So, I opted for something I knew you would accept. [Caroline looks at him, waiting.] Tyler is now free to return to Mystic Falls. Caroline: What? Klaus: He's your first love. I intend to be your last, however long it takes. [He kisses her on the cheek.] Congratulations, Caroline. [Caroline laughs softly, unexpectedly elated.] Klaus: Let's get out of here, before 12 angry hybrids decide to pick a fight. SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Damon watches the fire burn in the fireplace. Elena enters the room and strides toward him with purpose.] Damon: I wanted to apologize... [Elena crosses her arms in front of her.] Elena: Good. Damon: Let me finish. I said I wanted to. And then I realized, I'm not sorry. Elena: You would rather die than be human, and you expect me to be okay with that? Damon: I didn't say you were supposed to be okay with it, I just said I'm not sorry. But you know what I really am? Selfish, because I make bad choices that hurt you. Yes, I would rather have died than be human. I'd rather die right now than spend a handful of years with you, only to lose you when I'm too old and sick and miserable and you're still you. I'd rather die right now than spend my last final years remembering how good I had it and how happy I was, because that's who I am, Elena, and I'm not gonna change. And there's no apology in the world that encompasses all the reasons that I'm wrong for you. [Elena looks at Damon for a long moment.] Elena: Fine, then I'm not sorry either. I'm not sorry that I met you. I'm not sorry that knowing you has made me question everything, that in death you're the one that made me feel most alive. You've been a terrible person, you've made all the wrong choices, and of all the choices that I've made this will prove to be the worst one. But I am not sorry that I'm in love with you. I love you, Damon. I love y-- [Damon walks to Elena and kisses her passionately.] [In another room, Stefan struggles to keep control over his face. Lexi walks up behind him and places a hand on his shoulder.] Lexi: Now who's eavesdropping? [Stefan places his hand on top of Lexi's.] [Later, Stefan is loading the car with Silas' body when Damon walks outside.] Damon: Stefan? Stefan: Think the quarry will be deep enough to bury Silas? Damon: Yeah, I don't think anyone's gonna stumble on him there. Stefan: Yeah. [Stefan continues to load the car.] Damon: You want me to, ah-- Stefan: No, it's all right. I got Lexi coming with me. Damon: [under his breath] Yeah. [Damon starts to walk back inside.] Stefan: Hey, Damon. Damon: Yeah? Stefan: I'm not happy about Elena... but I'm not not-happy for you, either. I just want you to know that. Damon: Thanks, brother. [Damon walks back inside.] MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL - UNDERGROUND CAVE [Jeremy walks into the cave to meet Bonnie.] Jeremy: Hey. Bonnie: Hey. Jeremy: I needed to see you. Bonnie: I need to close the veil, Jer. The hybrids, and the hunters-- Jeremy: I get it. I'm ready. I just... wanted to be with you when it happened. Bonnie: Did you and Elena...? Jeremy: I can't. I can't say goodbye to her. We said 'no tears' and... I left her a letter. She'll find it when all this is over. I'm ready. [Bonnie closes her eyes and the flames in the torches flare up.] SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Alaric is gazing out the window when Damon returns. Damon goes straight for the decanter of bourbon and pours a couple drinks.] Alaric: Moon's full. Damon: Yeah. Alaric: Where's Elena? Damon: She's trying to find Bonnie and Jeremy. She's worried about the time. [Alaric smiles at Damon.] Damon: What? Alaric: You got the girl, man. Damon: [as though he still can't quite believe it] I got the girl. Alaric: Now don't screw it up. [Damon looks back down at the drinks.] Damon: Well, with you looking over my shoulder, how can I? [He looks back up to see that Alaric has disappeared.] THE ROAD [Lexi and Stefan are driving.] Lexi: New York? Stefan: Too close. Lexi: Vegas! Stefan: Ugh, no. Too touristy. Lexi: Look, I know you think I'm joking, but you are leaving. You just graduated for the millionth time. It's time to start living your life. Stefan: What if Elena was... the one? Lexi: She was. And she will always be an epic love. Contrary to popular belief, there are actually multiple ones - especially for a vampire. The only way to find another is to let go, and move on. [Stefan watches the road for a moment as he drives.] Stefan: I've never been to Portland. [He looks over at the passenger seat, but Lexi has disappeared.] Stefan: See ya, Lexi. MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Elena opens the door to the boiler room and enters.] Elena: Bonnie, Jer, are you guys here? Kol: Well, well. [Kol appears behind Elena.] Kol: Speaking of unfinished business. [He attacks Elena, throwing her to the ground. Elena braces herself but just as suddenly as the attack started, Kol has vanished. She gets up, realizing what must have happened, but doesn't have more than a moment to let it sink in before she hears a noise nearby. She turns and Katherine is there.] Katherine: Happy graduation, cupcake. [She slams Elena against a wall.] [In the underground cave, Bonnie continues to do a spell with her eyes closed while Jeremy waits. She opens her eyes.] Bonnie: It's almost closed. Jeremy: So this is it? 'Cause there were a million things I wanted to say to you, but now nothing seems quite right. Bonnie: Then don't say anything. [She walks to him and kisses him. The torches flare up before going out, leaving them in darkness. Jeremy gasps, backs away and clutches at his chest.] Jeremy: What's happening? Bonnie: Oh, my god. [Bonnie gives a small, triumphant laugh.] Jeremy: What is it? Bonnie: It worked, Jer. I did a spell that brought you back. I didn't think it would work, but I - I closed the veil and you're still... here. Jeremy: I'm alive? [Bonnie nods, and Jeremy struggles for words. He rushes toward her, but his face falls when she touches his neck.] Jeremy: I can't feel your hand. What's going on, Bonnie? Why can't I feel you? Bonnie: It's okay. Jeremy: Bonnie, what did you do? Bonnie: I have the witches, and my grams... You can see ghosts, we can talk whenever we want. Jeremy: No... No! No, you can't be dead. Bonnie: Do me this one favor: you tell Elena and Caroline that I'm spending the summer with my mom. Jeremy: I can't. They need to know. Bonnie: For the first time in forever, my friends are okay. I don't want to take that from them. [She walks past Jeremy and he turns to watch her go.] Bonnie: I'm gonna be okay, I promise. [Bonnie walks over to her grams, takes her hand, and they walk away together.] LOCKWOOD MANSION [Matt walks to the front door and opens it to see Rebekah.] Matt: Hey... What are you doing here? Rebekah: I just wanted to see if you were okay. Rough day and whatnot. Matt: Thanks. Look, I'd invite you in, but I promised Tyler I was gonna keep this a low-vampire zone. [Rebekah nods, understanding, then hesitates over her next words.] Rebekah: I know that we were under duress today, so... whatever, you know, plans that we were making... I understand if you don't want to. Matt: You and I... this isn't gonna work. I need to keep my love life a low-vampire zone, too, okay? Rebekah: [smiling] Of course. I get it. [She turns to leave, but stops when Matt speaks again.] Matt: So whatever happens on the road, stays on the road, all right? [Rebekah, grinning, turns back round.] That little wedding town in Italy? Don't get any ideas about turning me into a vampire so that we can live eternally ever after, you know what I mean? Rebekah: I'm sorry, are you saying...? Matt: I've never set one foot outside of this town. I have no college plans, no idea what the future holds for me... But I do know that it's time that I start truly living. And, since you almost killed me this year, I figured it's your obligation to show me how. Rebekah: [grinning] Okay. MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Katherine throws Elena against a door.] Elena: What are you doing? Katherine: Would you believe I'm having a bad day? [She picks Elena up and throws her against a wall of lockers. Elena gets up but Katherine speeds over and kicks up her leg to press her booted foot over Elena's neck.] Katherine: It started when Bonnie denied me my Silas-like immortality. Elena: Of course, because Katherine Pierce can't be happy with good old vampire-caliber immortality. [Elena finally manages to throw off Katherine's foot and uses her leverage to slam Katherine to the ground. Katherine immediately slams Elena back against another wall of lockers. Elena rips off one of the locker doors and swings against at Katherine's face. Katherine grabs onto the door.] Katherine: I deserved it. I never had a graduation, or a prom, or, you know, a life. But you did. [Katherine swings the door into Elena's face, sending her back a pace.] Katherine: You have everything, and it's not because you're a good little girl who deserves happiness, it's because you stole mine. [Katherine throws the door at Elena, who ducks and the door lodges into the other lockers.] Elena: I stole your happiness? You killed my brother! [Katherine runs at Elena, but Elena blocks Katherine and throws her down the hall. Katherine gets back up.] Katherine: I'll admit, that was nasty. [Yelling in fury, Elena rushes at Katherine, who twists Elena's arm and throws her at a fire emergency case - the glass in the door of it shatters as Elena slams against it. Elena struggles on the floor as Katherine walks over, sees a janitor's mop propped against the wall and breaks off the wooden handle.] Katherine: I have nothing. [She beats Elena with the stick.] But I'm about to change that. [She kicks Elena.] Elena: Kicking someone while they're down... classy till the end, Katherine. Katherine: [laughing] Your end. [She stabs the broken end of the stick into Elena's throat. Elena gulps and struggles against it as Katherine digs it in deeper.] SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE [Flashback to earlier, when Elena was trying to give the cure to Stefan.] Elena: You deserve whatever you want out of life. You deserve this. Stefan: Listen... I'm glad you're okay with who you are now. But every single thing I did to get this, I did for you, so that the choice of whether you wanted to be a vampire or not would always be yours. MYSTIC FALLS HIGH SCHOOL [Katherine pulls the stick out of Elena's throat and thrusts her hand into Elena's chest, grabbing hold of her heart. Elena frantically reaches into a pocket in her jacket.] Katherine: Bye-bye, little girl. [Elena finally pulls the cure out of her pocket and shoves it into Katherine's mouth and forces her jaw to close around it. Katherine's eyes widen as the cure dissolves in her mouth, and falls to the floor beside Elena, unconscious.] Elena: Have a nice human life, Katherine. THE QUARRY [Stefan unloads the canvas bag that contains Silas' remains, but when he tosses it to the ground its contents sound like a bunch of loose pieces. He kicks it and reaches inside to find shards of ordinary stone.] Elena/Silas: Don't bother. I'm not there. [Silas approaches him from behind, and Stefan turns and stands.] Stefan: Silas. You were stone. They saw you, the spell worked. Elena/Silas: That's the funny thing about spells - they're bound by Nature. Nature demands balance, so every spell has a loophole. The spell that turned me into stone was bound by a witch - a living witch. So when that witch died, the spell broke. Stefan: Bonnie? Bonnie's not dead. Elena/Silas: It doesn't matter, does it? And here's where the mystery of me comes full circle. I created the immortality spell two thousand years ago. I can never die, so Nature needed to find a balance - a version of me that could die. A shadow-self - a doppelgänger. Stefan: So, this is finally your real face? You're another one of them? Elena/Silas: Not exactly. [Silas' reflection in the car window shows a face identical to Stefan's, and Silas takes on his true form.] Silas: Hello, my shadow-self. [Silas approaches Stefan and thrusts his hand into Stefan's body.] Silas: Do you have any idea what it's like to starve for two thousand years? [He pulls his hand out and Stefan falls to his knees. Silas puts Stefan into the body-sized safe, locks him in and tips it over the edge of the cliff into the quarry. Inside the safe, Stefan bangs against it as it begins to fill with water, shouting out as the water engulfs his face.] Credit: Wiki

On Graduation Day, Mystic Falls is overrun with ghosts intent on settling old scores and fulfilling their supernatural destinies. Damon's life is in danger the hunters come back and shoot him with bullets laced with werewolf venom. Matt and Rebekah are caught by Rebekah's ex-boyfriend hunter determined to find the cure. Determined to save Matt, Rebekah kisses him and says that it was thing she feared the most. As Elena, Stefan, Caroline, Bonnie and Matt gather for the graduation ceremony and the ghosts converge, help comes from the now-hero Klaus, after Caroline repeatedly calls him to help. Elena tells Stefan she wants him to have the cure instead of her, but later, we find out he denies her and gives the cure back to her. Caroline receives a touching and unexpected graduation present from Klaus: He gives Tyler his freedom back, allowing him to return to Mystic Falls to be with Caroline. He tells her that though Tyler is her first love, he to be her last. Then Bonnie bravely gives her own life to bring Jeremy back but ensures she'll be fine with her Grams, and the Spirits of Witches. Elena then tells Damon that she loves him and in death he is the only one who makes her feel alive. They kiss passionately as Stefan overhears the conversation with tears in his eyes. Stefan drives off to dump Silas' body with Lexi. The veil drops again and the ghosts all disappear. Jeremy says good-bye to Bonnie, but they quickly realize Jeremy is now alive and Bonnie isn't. Rebekah goes to see Matt and they decide to go on a summer road trip together to see the world. Elena faces Katherine which eventually leads to Elena shoving the cure down Katherine's throat, turning her back into a human. Finally, Stefan discovers a horrifying clue to the mystery surrounding Silas: Stefan is Silas' doppelganger. Then a vengeful Silas traps Stefan in a safe and drops him into the lake.

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This is the address for Luke Cafferty. Where does he really live? East Dillon. You're gonna have to pack up your stuff. Starting tomorrow, you're going to be going to school at East Dillon High. What? Kind of looking for a place. I do have this trailer. Cheryl: I am going to give my daughter a call. Hey. Don't want you to scare her. (stammering) I'm your new intern. Yeah, I got a bunch of crap in here. I need you to start moving it. Why did you forfeit the game? You just quit on us? I have got shame and I apologize to you. Who wants to finish this fight? Dallas: Let's do this, fellas! Let's finish it. Let's finish it. ( Park where the Lions are gathered around an old red car, Stan sits inside. ) Eric: Hey, listen! Ten of you are gonna push the car. Once we get out there and everything, the rest of you hold the helmets and collect the money. Understood? Be careful, don't get your feet run over while we're out there. Any questions? Tank: Matter of fact, I do have a question. Eric: What is it Tinker? Tinker: Why are we pushing this damn car? Eric: One, you need to watch your language. Two, next time I see you I want whatever that is on your upper lip shaved off. And I tell you why we're pushing the car, cuz it's a fun football fundraiser. And we're all gonna have fun so we're all gonna put smiles on our faces right about now. Team comes out, town comes out, money gets exchanged. It's a good thing. Understood? Tinker: Got it coach! Eric: Let's be kind and courteous out there. Let's go. ( The team starts pushing the car out of the parking lot. ) Stan: (into his megaphone) Hello neighborhood! We're the Lions! (he roars) Let's hear it guys! (roars) [EXT. Dillon Church] ( Tami and Julie exit the church, headed to the car. Tami is holding Gracie. ) Tami: Even at church, everyone is really not being nice to me about this whole Luke Cafferty thing? Julie: Yeah, well, that's our congregation. All sweet and holy inside the church. Then as soon as they get out the door, bitchy and judgmental. Tami: Well, welcome to the world, honey. Julie: It's not gonna be my world. Tami: What's not gonna be your world? Julie: Going to church with a bunch of hypocrites. ( Tami starts to load Gracie into her car seat. ) Tami: Honey, hypocrites are everywhere. It has nothing to do with church. That's no way to think about it. There's always going to be some bad apples but church is about you and God and things other than just people.. Julie: So if it's just about me and God, why can't I just worship at home? Tami: I mean, I think church is also about community and family and you know, there's just a lot to it. [EXT. Streets of East Dillon] ( The team is pushing the car down the street while Stan yells out. ) Stan: We need your quarters, your dollar bills, your good wishes in monetary fashion! Let' hear it boys! Tinker: (to Vince as they push the car) I feel the love. You feel the love? Vince: Shut up, stop sweating on me and push this piece of junk, okay? Stan: We got forty bucks, people! Thank you, good people of the street! Eric: (to people donating money) Good to see 'ya! Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Stan: We are the East Dillon Lions! Speed up! Speed up! Feed us! Roar!!! ( Tim walks up to Coach. ) Tim: I'm out. Eric: What do you mean you're out? Tim: I'm out of money. Eric: What do you mean you're out of money? Tim: I'm out of money. ( Eric pulls some cash from his pocket. ) Eric: (handing it to Tim) Listen to me. This is all I got left. That's about a hundred bucks. Don't give it all to one person. Tim: Alright Eric: Spread it out. Tim: I'm trying, some are taking it. Eric: Well, give it to people who won't take it. Stan: Look at these boys pushing this car for ten miles! [EXT. Richard Sherman's studio] ( Matt grabs a rusted tricycle and takes it into the studio where loud music is playing while Richard welds. ) Matt: Hey! Here's the tricycle. Richard: What? Matt: Tricycle! ( Richard stops working to look at it. ) Richard: That's great. Listen, I need you to drive me to Clearwater on Tuesday. I need to pick up some metal so I can finish this piece of crap. Matt: Why do you call everything you work on 'crap'? Richard: Because it is all crap. I call the Mona Lisa crap. In fact, the Mona Lisa is crap. There are better things I call crap. Matt: Alright, well, Clearwater is like 200 miles away. Richard: Just about. Matt: Right. And I gotta shift I gotta do so I... I mean, I can't take the whole day and chauffer you up there. Richard: Yeah, yeah, you're here to learn about art from an artist! You can't take a day off because you gotta a shift to deliver pizza? ( Matt has no comeback for this so Richard just gets back to work. ) [EXT. East Dillon High School] ( Eric is walking with the Principal Levi. ) Levi: We already have uniforms. Why do we need new ones? Eric: Cuz I burned the uniforms. Levi: Taylor--- Eric: I burned them. That's what you do. They're damn thirty years old. It's not like I just burned them for no reason. You end the old cycle, you start the new, Levi. You know, you get rid of the past. Levi: Uh-huh. Taylor: Fact of the matter is, the team and I we went out and we made up a good amount of money it's just that... Levi: That's good. Eric: We're just... we're just a little shy of what we need and all I'm asking is you and the school, is if you help us with the down payment. Hell, we can pay for the rest of them. Levi: I don't think you understand the financial situation here. We ain't close to talking about more money for football. Eric: Listen Levi, it's expensive to start up a new football program... Levi: Starting up a new football program is a little premature. Let's see if we can finish up some games before we start writing some checks. Eric: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Levi: You can't finish games, I can't keep this program going. I can't have no students getting hurt. I don't want no jokes down at the school board meetings. I'm tired. Either you turn it around or we're gonna shut it down. Eric: What do you mean shut it down? You're gonna shut down a football program? Levi: Taylor! You weren't even supposed to take this job! You weren't supposed to be here. So you're the only who didn't get the joke. Okay? ( CREDITS ) [EXT. Tim Riggins' trailer] ( Becky is knocking. ) [INT. Tim Riggins trailer] ( Tim is crawling out of bed. ) Tim: Yes? Yeah! [EXT. Tim Riggins' trailer] Becky: Morning! I made you toast. Tim: Are you serious? Becky: Yeah. It's worth it, eat it. Tim: What time is it? Becky: Morning. Hey, and since you're up, can you give me a ride to school? Tim: No. Becky: Come on. Put some pants on. ( She starts to close the door. ) Becky: Watch your head. Watch your head. ( She closes the door. ) Becky: Hurry up! I'll be waiting in the truck. Tim: What's wrong with you? [INT. Taylor Kitchen] ( Tami is feeding Gracie Belle. ) Tami: Here you go, sweetheart. There. Here's your sippy. Julie: Good morning! Tami: Hey, Honey. Jule: Good morning, Grace. Tami: You know yesterday in church, all that stuff you were saying... Do you feel like we're making you go to church? Julie: It's not like you're making me go to church it's just... you know, something we all do as a family. It's like a tradition but if you stop going than I don't think I'd probably keep going. [INT. Restaurant with the West Dillon coach and boosters.] Joe: Coach Taylor at half-time: We're done! We're beat up! We can't play anymore! ( Laughter all around when Buddy enters the restaurant. ) Joe: I couldn't believe it! Buddy: Hey, guys. ( It's quieter now. ) Booster: Hey, Buddy. Buddy: Well, you're waiting on me. You're backing up. Booster: We missed you at the game Friday night, Buddy. ( Buddy starts to sit down and Joe is just sitting there smiling like a Prince on his throne. ) Buddy: Yeah, I had to listen to it on the radio. I was really sick, it's terrible. Joe: Anything you feel like sharing with us, Buddy? Anything about a certain mailbox or an old friend of yours named Eric Taylor? Buddy: Oh, no. I don't think so. I don't know what you're implying. (all eyes focus on Buddy) I think this Luke deal has made everyone go a little crazy. (he twists his State Ring) You know, Joe, I was a Panther before everybody here. So, I'll just pretend you didn't say that. Go ahead with the agenda, Joe. ( Joe has *that smile* on his face. ) Joe: Alright then. Gentlemen, there is a 13-yr old quarterback in a Pop Warner League down in Little Tree that needs a closer look at. Who's gonna go down there for me? [INT. East Dillon Locker Room] ( Team just hanging out. Vince is eyeing Luke as he chats with Landry. ) Player: Lions in the house. Let me hear you say, "Oh yeah!" Vince: (to his friend, referring to Luke) What the hell that dude so happy about? Player: I don't know what he happy about. I guess he think he gonna come down here and kick our asses or something. Vince: Something. Tinker: He's all, I'm a Panther. Player: We the Lions. Eric: Let's go, guys. Let's go! Let's go. Stan: Come on boys! Execute! ( Vince lingers until Luke walks by. ) Vince: You're a long way from home boy. Luke: I guess so. [EXT. East Dillon Football Field] ( Practice. Tim is there helping out. ) Eric: Come on, get after him. Pick him up. Pick -- come on, Vince. What are you doing, man? You're dancing out here. Dancing. Don't start my day off like this. Why is it I'm always talking to you? I spend half my day, my practice, talking to you. Get in the front. Do it again. Get in the front. Let me see it. Luke come here. I want you down at the defensive backs. Luke: I don't play D, coach. Eric: If I tell you to get down to the defensive backs you do. Get on the defensive backs. Tim, you wanna take him down? If you'd like to hurry that up, that'd be just fine. Tim: Riggins. Luke: I knew that. It's a pleasure, man. Eric: (focusing back on practice) Do it again. Let me see it again. Get after him! Move him! Come on, let me see some of the speed! Tim: How you doing? Luke: I mean, I'm alright 'cept I don't play DB. Tim: It's alright. Luke: What are you doing here? Coaching now? Tim: I'm helping out when I can. Luke: Nice. Tim: Yeah. Luke: I saw you win State. ( Luke raises his hand to either high-five Tim or maybe as a gesture to see Tim's ring. Either way, Tim ignores it. ) Tim: Yeah, here. You go DB it up. Luke: Alright. [EXT. Panther Pizza] ( Matt is exiting with his deliveries while Julie reads something to him. ) Julie: His last installment at the Austin Museum of Modern Art is nothing short of mind bending. A violent fusion of metal and artistry that invokes somehow both anger and beauty through a complex interplay of architecture and light. Brilliant, visceral, and ultimately, ethereal, this work is not to be missed. Matt: Are you sure you got the right Richard Sherman? ( Julie opens up the hatchback to Matt's station wagon so he can load the pizza. ) Julie: Yup, it's him. Matt: "Brilliant and ethereal"? Julie: That's what it says. Matt: The dude is like an angry, abusive idiot. I don't understand how he can get described as ethereal. Julie: I don't know. Maybe it's his evil twin. Matt: Yeah, maybe. Clearwater and back. This is going to be 400-miles of Hell. [INT. East Dillon Locker Room] ( Coach is working on fixing the lights when a man enters. ) Man: Hey, coach. Eric: Hey, Doug, how you doing? Doug: I'm good. ( Eric finishes with the light. ) Doug: Nicely done. Eric: How is everything? Doug: Good. Good. The uniforms are look great, they're coming along, look beautiful. You're going to be real happy. Eric: Look, I know... I know I'm late on payment and all this but... Doug: Nah, look I know things are rough here right now. It's just we're gonna deliver on Friday. Eric: I understand we've had a few little hiccups with our fundraising and uh... Doug: Sure, sure. Well, look Coach. You've been a friend of Under Armor for a long while and that's why we're doing this at our cost and I'm gonna throw in some hats and polos for your staff cuz you helped me out when I was starting off, you know. So I won't forget that. Eric: I appreciate that, I appreciate the... Doug: But I'm gonna need a little something to, uh, take back to Baltimore. Eric: I understand. How much? How much is it that you need - today? Doug: Five. Eric: Five thousand? Doug: Alright, um, you give me three now and two more on delivery and we'll let it go at that. Eric: Alright. ( Eric pulls out a personal check. ) Eric: Alright. That's good, thank you. Doug: Yeah, absolutely. ( Eric writes out the personal check and hands it to Doug. ) Doug: Let me get that for you. Eric: Listen, I appreciate that very much. I appreciate your understanding. Doug: This, uh, a personal check, Coach? Eric: Yes, it is. Doug: This gonna be okay with you? Eric: If it's okay with you, it's okay with me. Doug: Oh, yeah. Alright. I'll get it going. Eric: Thank you. Thank you very much. Doug: Thank you. ( Doug leaves. ) Doug: Alrighty! Eric: Alright. [INT. Coach and Mrs. Coach's bathroom] ( Tami is applying her make-up. ) Tami: Julie the other day was talking about how she doesn't want to go to church anymore. I think she's questioning her faith or something. Eric: Well, you know what? She's a teenager. You give her a week and she'll turn around. Be a hundred and eighty degrees. Tami: Yeah but who knows where she'll go from there. Eric: Well, I don't think she's going to hell anytime soon so I don't think you have to worry about it. Listen, I gotta go meet with Buddy tonight. I'm gonna try and figure out how in the hell you're supposed to beg money from the Boosters. Tami: Ugh, I hate that. Alright. Hey, listen, did you write a check and not put it in the book because there's a check missing. Eric: Oh yeah, it's uh, for Reds. It's for the Dry Cleaners. It's for $45. Tami: Honey... ( Eric starts to leave. ) Eric: Sorry. Tami: You've got to put that stuff in the book. Eric: I know. Tami: I can't keep track. Eric: Alright. [EXT. Richard Sherman's Studio] ( Matt drives up in his station wagon when Richard exits acting like he's been waiting all day. Matt starts to get out when Richard gets in. ) Matt: Well, I'm here. Richard: Come on, let's go. We got 200 miles to cover. Matt: We're taking my car? I hope you're paying for gas. Richard: So I'm teaching you the meaning of life and I'm supposed to cover for gas, too? Matt: Meaning of life, yeah. Richard: Maybe I should get you a lunch and how about a damn souvenir? Matt: I'm just saying this is a non-paying internship, okay. Richard: Smells like old pizza in here, man. Matt: Well, that's how I pay for gas. Glad you're masking it with cigarette smoke. Richard: That's cool. That's cool. [INT. Coach's Office] Eric: Landry! Landry: Yes, sir! Eric: Come here. ( Landry walks in with his helmet put funnily on his face. ) Landry: Yeah, coach? Eric: I want you on special teams today working on bunting. Landry: Yeah. I'd love to catch some punts. Eric: Good. Landry: That's uh... Eric: I don't want you catching. I want you punting. Landry: You want me, like, um, kicking the ball? I don't know if I've ever... Eric: Yeah, that's what you do when you punt the ball. Landry: No, I, uh understand... Eric: You work on it. Landry: I know what it is. Eric: Special teams punting. Can you do that for me? Landry: Yes, sir. I just, I'm only... Eric: I appreciate it. Landry: Always considered myself kind of a...hands man. Eric: I need a punter! So if you would consider hang times and coughing corners, I'd appreciate that. Thank you very much. Landry: Yes, sir. I'll got start practicing right now. Thank you, Coach. ( Landry leaves and Eric rubs his head when Luke knocks. ) Eric: Yeah? Luke: Coach, can I have a word please? Eric: Yeah, sure. Come on in. Luke: Coach, I think we got off on the wrong foot and I just wanted to clear everything out. I just want to say, I don't hold anything against you. Everything that happened between me and your wife over at Dillon. And I'm not here to give you a hard time. I'm here to play football. Eric: Well, good. I'm glad. I'm glad. Luke: Okay. Eric: Cuz I don't think you should be holding it against me. As far as my wife is concerned, my wife wasn't the one who caused these problems for you. You caused these problems for yourself, isn't that about right? You were doing something knowingly wrong and you got caught. Yeah? That lands yourself right on a plate of responsibility so why don't you take that responsibility. And as far as the rest, we'll see what you got when you're out there. Luke: Alright. Thanks, coach. [EXT. Junkyard] ( Matt and Richard are loading metal into the back of the station wagon. ) Richard: (holding up a piece of metal) You see stuff like this, okay? Get that, too. Matt: Alright. You know, when you're looking at all this rusty, metal stuff, you know, it's all dirty and stuff, do you see something in it? Richard: Do I see something in it? Matt: I mean, like something, like you know, like, for your art. Richard: (picking up a piece of safety glass) Oh, oh... shh. Oh my, oh, oh, I see the face of God. ( He drops it. ) Matt: Alright. Richard: I don't know, man! I don't know. You ask too many damn questions. Questions. Matt: It was one question. Richard: Gonna take a little break. Not you but... Let's get the rest of that stuff in there, alright? Matt: Yeah. [INT. Bartender's House] ( Tim exits the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth and heads to the living room where he sees Girl. ) Tim: Hey. I had to borrow your bathroom cuz mine's not working. Becky: Okay. Tim: I talked to your mom about it. She said it's cool, so... Becky: (laughs) Okay, I don't care. Hey, which one do you like better? (she holds up two dresses) The red one or the pink one? Tim: For what? Becky: I have a pageant coming up and these are kinda old but I don't think they're too short. What do you think? Tim: Yeah, I don't think I'm qualified. I think it's best to ask your mom about this kind of stuff. Becky: She's not here. And you don't need to be qualified, it's just a dress. Which one do you prefer? Tim: Where's your mom? Becky: She's working. Tim: Every night? She can't help out with this ever or what? Becky: Yeah. It's not a big deal. Okay, I can try it on for you if that's easier? Tim: What? Becky: I can try them on for you. Tim: I don't know. (he starts walking out) I don't think I.... Becky: Wait! Which one? Tim: Just, you're good. Pink for sure! Get the pink! You'll win with that. Good luck. ( And with that, he leaves. ) [INT. BAR in Clearwater] ( Richard is playing shuffleboard. ) Richard: Dah! Matt: Alright, so how about I just throw my last two pucks and then we just take off? Richard: What's your hurry? Matt: I got stuff to do. I got people I got to take care of. It's not like we're doing anything here. We're just playing shuffleboard. Richard: Alright, let's talk then. Matt: You want to talk now? Richard: I can talk. You know, I'm not a dick all the time. So talk. Talk. Matt: I don't know what to say. Richard: Start anywhere. Matt: Fine. What would you say is the most important tool for an artist to have? Richard: What's with you and all these questions? Matt: You just told me to talk. Richard: I meant, you know, talk about yourself while I secretly mock you inside my head. Matt: Oh, okay, alright, you know what? How about I just settle up our tab and then we'll take off. ( Matt sits down at the bar when Richard sits down next to him. ) Richard: Alright. Okay. Watch out. The most important tool an artist can have is selfishness. Matt: Selfishness? Richard: Yeah. It means you're gonna spend your life trying to express some quiet dark corner, deep, deep inside you. You will put aside love, God, life! In order to follow this craving. So my advice to you is to just screw everybody else and maybe you got a chance. [EXT. A bar elsewhere...] ( Eric and Buddy are sitting at a bar. ) Eric: I wrote a personal check. I've got to get that money together and I've got to get it quick. I don't know how to talk to a boosters, you do. I don't know how to ask for money. You're get at asking for money. All I'm doing is asking for your help. Buddy: I know and I'd like to Eric but I got Joe McCoy and the other guys breathing down my neck. I mean, they think I'm the one who told you about the mailbox. Eric: You are the one who told me about the mailbox. Buddy: I know! But I've got to unknow that right now. I mean, they may be having me followed! They probably got my phone tapped or maybe bugged for all I know. You know these guys, they're crazy! Eric: Yeah, they're crazy all right. Let me tell you something: Levi, now, Principal Burnwell, has informed me he's willing to shut down the football program at the high school if need be. That's what I'm up against. I'm asking you for your help. Buddy: That's terrible. And I'm sorry to say this but I cannot help you right now. I just can't. Eric: You know what, Buddy? Buddy: What? Eric: You need to polish that ring of yours. It's looking a bit tarnished. ( Eric gets up and leaves Buddy looking at his ring. ) [INT. Taylor Bathroom] ( Julie is brushing her teeth (are we sure we're not sponsored by Colgate???) while Tami stands nearby holding Grace, trying to put on the little girl's shoes. ) Julie: An earthquake in West Texas? Tami: Yeah, they have 'em. Odessa. Odessa's on the permian basin and that's a fault line, honey. They have 'em. What would you do? Would you pray? Julie: Well... Tami: (to Grace) One more, one more. ( Julie spits. ) Julie: I'd probably check on you and Gracie and Dad and then I'd stand under a doorway. Tami: Alright, I know, I hear you. That's great. That's all good but would you pray? Julie: How 'bout next time there's an earthquake in West Texas I'll let you know? [EXT. East Dillon Football Field] ( Usual suspects plus Tim. ) Eric: Come on now! Yeah! ( Focus is on Luke's POV. ) Stan: Way to bring the wood, Cafferty! Way to bring that wood! ( Some applause by various team members but Coach is distracted. ) Stan: All right! ( Pass to Vince who drops it. ) Eric: Come on! Hey, Vince, what are you doing man? You've got to make that play. You gotta catch that ball. How can you miss that? You're not gonna make that play out here today how are you gonna make that on Friday? Look at me! You can't make that play, what are you out here for? ( Whistle blows. ) Eric: Hey guys, let's bring it in! ( Tim approaches Luke. ) Tim: Luke! Hey, uh, good job. Luke: What am I, the Invisible Man out here? Did you see that? It's not like he's even seeing me work my butt off out there. Tim: What do you mean? Luke: Coach didn't even look at me. Tim: He's got a lot on his plate, that's why. Luke: I... Tim: Keep doing what you're doing though. Luke: Thank you. Thanks for noticing. ( Cut to "Girl" henceforth known as "Curly" thanks to Anmodo - standing nearby. ) Becky: Hey, Tim! I'll see ya later. Luke: Who's that? Hi! Tim: I'm renting a room from her mom, that's it. Luke: You're what? Tim: I'm renting a room from her mom. Luke: Wish I was renting a room from her mom. ( Tim stares at him. ) Luke: Just joking. [EXT. Park] ( Calvin and Vince are playing basketball. ) Calvin: Look man, you make sure he know the difference between coach and dad. Vince: He's always yelling at me you know, on the field. Telling me what to do. Pushing me. Grabbing my jersey. Trying to embarrass me in front of the rest of the team, you know what I'm saying. That's now how I get down, dude. That white boy sucks. Why's he all up in my face? Coming up where I hang out, at my house, knocking on my door, talking to my moms. And you already know my mom's situation right now. You know how I feel about that. It's alright though, it's cool though cuz he's bringing that white boy Luke on the team. He think he gonna take over supposed to be some kind of Panther's superstar or something like that. Yo, that's my spot! That's my team. I'm the Running Back, you know what I mean. Calvin: Look man! At the end of the day the white gonna stick with the white man. They're gonna look out for each other. That's what we gotta do. We gotta look out for us. A'ight. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. East Dillon Lions Locker Room] ( Tim is monitoring Luke doing crunches. ) Tim: Twenty-five more. Luke: Dang! Hey, Rigs. Why don't you wear your Panthers State Ring? Tim: I don't know. That's a good question. I guess I don't like rings. Luke: What was it like, going to State and winning that ring? Tim: It's pretty good, man. You gotta give this team a chance. Luke: Dude, be serious. This team is not the Dillon Panthers. The Coach doesn't like me. I mean, he's been pretty clear about that out on the field. In practice, sticking me on D, no disrespect but that's not what I do. He's mad about his wife getting all backlash for throwing me off the Panthers. I want to play football, man. I want to win a State ring. Tim: Like I said, give it a chance. Trust the coach. ( Luke looks doubtful. ) [INT. different part of weight room] Tim: Hey, Coach! Eric: What? Tim: How are ya? Eric: Good. What's up? ( Tim notes that Coach is wearing nice slacks, crisp white shirt and a red tie hanging loose around his neck. ) Tim: Where you going? Eric: I'm going to drum up some business from local business leaders in the form of cash. What do you need? Tim: Uh, as you know I've been working with Luke - a lot. And he's good. Eric: Excellent. Tim: Damn good. Eric: Alright. Tim: And I think he's worth getting a tougher look at. Eric: What's that supposed to mean? Tim: I think, I don't know where to go, he thinks you hate him is what I'm trying to say... And I'm trying to work with him... Eric: I don't have the time or resources for sensitivity training. That kid's got to get rid of the concept that we're gonna kiss his ass 24-7 cuz he's gracing us with his presence. You tell him to show up, shut up and just work him hard. I'm gonna deal with the rest later. Thanks. Tim: Yes, sir. [EXT. Park] ( Landry tries punting when Jess Merriweather walks up with some little boys. ) Landry: Ugh. Jess: Hey! Can we play? Landry: I mean, I was supposed to be working on my punting but if you all want to play afterwards or if you want to watch... Jess and Boys: Yeah! Let's do it! Landry: Okay. ( Landry tries punting a ball and it doesn't go well. ) Landry: AUGH! Boys: (laughing) Nah! You suck! Landry: That's nice. Jess: (laughing) I'm sorry. Boy: The ball's supposed to go straight. Landry: See that was actually all planned... Jess: Want some pointers? Landry: Um, do you know a lot about punting? Jess: Yeah, actually I do. Here look, you wanna... Okay, I can show you three steps alright? You wanna make sure that you keep that lean forward position so keep your head down. Make sure you hit the meat of the ball with this part of your foot, okay. So point your toes, okay. And make sure you follow through all the way with your leg. But don't be stiff. Like, loosen up, okay. But don't think! Landry: Okay. ( Landry poised to make the punt - it's waaaaay better! ) Jess: Okay! Boys: Wow! Boy: Now that was better! Boy: Yeah! Jess: (high fives to boys) I'm good, right? Yeah. Landry: How'd you know that? Jess: Right! Landry: I don't think that's ever going to happen again. Jess: It will. Landry: Especially not whenever all the thousands of screaming fans are around. Boy: What fans? Landry: I mean, one away game or something. ( Jess laughs. ) Jess: (to boys) Can you all go get the balls and stuff? Boy: Let's go! ( Boys race off. ) Jess: My little man. (to Landry) You just gotta keep doing it. Just keep doing it. Over and over. Do it thousands of times cuz you'll get that muscle memory. Just forget about the guys, the big guys charging at you, the fans, the chaos... (she closes her eyes and goes Zen) Just like zone in, inside yourself and forget it all. Let it all, the chaos just... you know, just let it go. Let it go, you know. Landry: Where'd you learn so much about football? Jess: Um, my father. He used to play football, he was a quarterback. He almost went pro, too, but now he can't stand it. Thinks its a big waste of time. Landry: Where'd you learn so much about the (he mimics her Zen look)... Did you study Buddhism? Jess: No, no, no. It's my life, you know. [INT. Taylor Living room] ( Tami's at the computer looking like she's going through the bills when Eric enters. ) Tami: Hey. How'd it go trying to get the Boosters together and all that what not? Eric: I went to about twelve of the local businesses and found out that they either don't know there's a football team or they could give a damn less. Tami: Sorry about that, honey. Eric: Yeah. Stopped over at the bar and I had a drink and I left the car over there and Alan gave me a ride home. So if you could take me... Tami: Oh, Lord. Eric: ... in the morning to get it, I'd appreciate it. Tami: All right. Okay. Eric: You know that check yesterday, you asked me about the check for the Dry Cleaners... Tami: Yeah. Eric: It wasn't for the Dry Cleaners. It wasn't for $45 dollars. It was for Under Armor. It was for gear for the team and it was for $3,000. Tami: You wrote a check for $3,000? We don't have $3,000 in our checking account! Eric: I know that but when I wrote the check, it's not a check that's gonna be run through right away so you don't have to worry about it. Tami: Well, I really would have appreciated it if you had talked to me about this. Eric: Well, I didn't have time to talk to you about this... Tami: You didn't have time to talk to me about it? ( Tami is sitting there, calmly as she can, listening to his rationale and excuses. ) Eric: No, I didn't have time to talk to you about it. I'm telling you about it now. Tami: Listen, I know that you're having a hard time but come on now, why would you not talk to me about that? Eric: Listen, if I don't write the check I don't uniforms for the team. If I don't have uniforms for the team I don't make money anyways so what the hell does it matter? If I can get the money from Burnwell who I've been talking to - which I think I can do - everything will be fine. It's just a matter of doing it. I just need time. I'm just telling you for the sake of not... Tami: Don't raise your voice. Don't raise your voice. Eric: I'm not raising my voice. Why don't you just stay calm and stop getting all riled up? ( Tami can't take anymore and stands up. ) Tami: You're gonna get your damn uniforms but in the meantime what about our accounts? you write yourself a check for $3,000 without talking to me about it, you lie to me about it, we don't have that money and then you come in here and yell at me? I don't think so. ( She exits the room leaving Eric standing there feeling the foolish man he is! ) [INT. Taylor Bedroom] ( Clock on the night stand reads 2:02 a.m. and Eric is wide awake. ) ( Clock on night stand now reads 6:20 a.m. and Eric is gone as Tami wakes up. ) ( She goes to the kitchen and there's a note on the coffee maker: "Went to pick up the car. Have a good day. Love, Me!" ) [EXT. Eric driving down a road] ( Eric has a note that reads: "Cafferty 1018 RR X18" ) Mr. Cafferty: Hey, Luke! Your football coach is here. ( Luke is bailing hay and we see his daddy is an authentic looking cowboy. Suddenly it makes sense on why his parents won't move. They won't leave the family farm/ranch. ) Mr. Cafferty: (to Coach) He's got quite a lot of work to do before he gets to school. Eric: I won't take much time at all. Mr. Cafferty: I appreciate it. Luke: Good morning, coach. Eric: How you doing? Luke: I'm alright, how you doing? Eric: Good, good. Luke: What can I do for you, Coach? Eric: I understand you're not happy at practice. Want to talk about it? Luke: Well, no disrespect, Coach but I just feel like I'm not being used. I feel like you're not even giving me a chance out there. Eric: What do you want from me? Luke: Well, first of all, I haven't even gotten a chance to play offense which is what I do. Eric: You'll get your chance. You'll get your chance when I give it to you. Listen to me, I'm trying to put a team together here. I got eighteen other players I'm trying to pay attention to here. I can't put you up on a pedestal and pay all the attention to you. Luke: Look, I want to get out of here, all right? That's why I'm playing football. I mean, this is it for me. This is all I care about, Coach. It's all I ever cared about. My parents don't help me out with stuff. They don't care football. So I was on my fast track, got to Dillon Panthers and I'm not there anymore. We don't need to talk about that. But here I am, I'm willing to kill myself cuz I want to get out of here, Coach. That's all I'm saying. I just want a chance to play ball. I want a chance to get noticed. Eric: I understand that you're a helluva player. Hell, you can run circles around most of the people out there. I understand everything you've been through. I understand what it's like to want to be a Panther. Believe me, that's not lost on me. Anything else that you need? Luke: What I need? I need a scholarship to a good school so I can get out of here. That's what I need. Eric: Listen, I'll tell you what. I will do everything in my power to get you just that if you do one thing for me. Luke: What? Eric: I need you to lead. Luke: All right. Eric: Do you understand what I'm saying? Luke: Yeah. Eric: Lead. Luke: Yeah. Alright, thank you. ( Luke extends his hand and they shake. ) Eric: You want a slap on the back, you earn it. ( Eric then pats his shoulder. ) Eric: See you out there this afternoon. Luke: Alright, see you out there. [INT. Tim Riggins' Truck] ( Tim is giving Becky a ride. ) Becky: Thanks for the ride. Tim: Yeah, you got a boyfriend? Becky: No, why? Tim: Cuz that's the guy who should be doing this. Giving you rides everywhere. Becky: Well, since you're already doing it, maybe it would be more efficient if you were my boyfriend. ( Tim gives her a look like 'you freaking kidding?' ) Becky: I'm just kidding. Tim: Hey, you ever run into that Luke Cafferty kid? Becky: Luke? Tim: Yeah, Luke. He likes you. I've been working with him on field and everything and, uh, he's just non-stop talk about you so... Becky: And? Tim: I'm just giving you a heads up you know, just in case you're interested in having a boyfriend. He's a pretty good guy. Becky: Yeah, I'll talk to him. Tim: Do it. ( She has this look on her face like she's interested in having a boyfriend but it ain't Luke. ) [INT. Coach's Office] ( Eric is at his desk when Tami enters. ) Tami: (knocks on door) Hey. ( Eric has this priceless fearful look on his face. ) Tami: Just thought I'd swing by on my way home from work. Eric: I'm sorry. Tami: I appreciate that. Eric: Doug called from Under Armor. He said he's willing to wait for the school to pay for the two thousand and the other three thousand, he's gonna take it easy on me and I will get it paid. Tami: Good. Honey, don't ever do that again. Eric: I won't. Tami: And I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. [EXT. Joe McCoy's House - Poolside] Lester: Sounds like Coach is moving up Sobel to take Luke's spot tonight. Bill: Yeah, meanwhile Luke Cafferty's on his way to being massacred in his first Lions game. What a waste. Lester: I can tell you one good things gonna come out of this, Bill, alright. McCoy's gunning for Principal Taylor. Buddy: What are you talking about, Lester? Burl: McCoy will figure out a way to get that bitch outta there. Lester: There you go. Buddy: I can't even believe you, Burl. ( They laugh as Buddy walks off. ) Buddy: Hey! I got something to say to everybody! ( All eyes shift to Buddy - including Joe with that smug smile of his. ) Buddy: I hate to spoil the party but this is to everybody. You know what? I'm not a Panther anymore. You used to be my friends but I don't know who you are. I don't know what you believe in but its not the Panthers. It's not the Panthers I believed in, it's not the Panthers we grew up with. I'll tell you that right now. You what to know another thing? I'm the one who told Eric about the mailbox. ( Joe and a few Boosters exchange murmurs that their suspicions were right on. ) Buddy: Hey, I can't live with myself anymore. I put that mailbox in twelve years ago. In the middle of the night, I dug that hole and put it in. It's my mailbox! I'll do whatever I want to with it! And Joe, I tried. But ever since you got here you have been a cancer to me, you've been a cancer to my friends, and you've been a cancer to this team. And just one more thing I want to say is, clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. ( And that said, Buddy walks out. ) [EXT. Richard Sherman's Studio] ( Matt pulls up in a car with Julie and gets out. ) Matt: Sorry, I just gotta drop this off real quick. Julie: Yeah. No problem. Take your time. ( Matt disappears inside and we see he walked past Richard who's working in his yard. Julie gets out of the car and wanders around when Richard spots her. ) Richard: Who the hell are you, little girl? Julie: Um, hi, I'm Julie. Matt's girlfriend. He went inside to drop off that tool you asked him to pick up. Richard: So you're the ball and chain that keeps dragging him down. I think I married you about twenty-years ago, babe. ( He walks off and Julie stands there stunned before getting back in the car. ) [EXT. Football Field for Other Team] ( The Lions exit the bus. ) Tinker: Hey, Coach! Hey Coach, I thought we were getting new uniforms. What are we doing? Playing in our practice stuff or what? Eric: Tinker, why don't you do less talking and more thinking about the game, son. Let's go. ( Fan holds up signs mocking the team "No Lion, They're Quittin" ) [INT. Locker Room] Eric: Come on, gentlemen, let's go! Let's go! ( New uniforms are proudly presented just outside the lockers and the team is thrilled. ) Tinker: Whoo Boy! Vince: Oh, these are official right here. Players: Alright! Eric: Hey, hey, listen up! Hey, listen up, gentlemen. Listen up! They may be new but they're still work clothes. Let's go to work. Let's go, let's go to work! ( Team cheers and starts roaring. ) [INT. Restaurant] ( Matt and Julie are eating. ) Matt: All of sudden he was actually talking to me. It was the first time I had a real conversation with him. He's actually a really smart guy. He had real interesting things to say. It was crazy. Julie: Do you think I'm holding you back? Matt: No. Why? Julie: I was outside waiting for you and Richard Sherman came out and started talking to me. Matt: 'bout what? Julie: He said I was the ball and chain holding you back. Matt: No, that's... that's stupid. Hey, you're the most important thing in my life. Julie: What if that's the point? Matt: No, that's not the point. The point is he's stupid. The point is he was drunk. He don't know about us. Eat your bean curd. Julie: Alright. Matt: Alright. [EXT. Football Field] Announcer: The Lions down 27-nothing, late in the fourth. They are definitely gonna finish this one folks. Luke Cafferty on the Bronco Blitz. Hits him in the backfield. Luke Cafferty has been bringing it all night. Eric: Nice hit! Announcer: Now if the Lions could just get on the board tonight, it'd make a whole heck of a lot of difference to this football team. And it drops back in the pocket. Oh! And Howard gets burned on the wheel route ... He's got a man open! He's got the outside! OH! And Luke Cafferty makes another touchdown saving hit. Vince Howard has just gotten smoked all night long. A real disappointment after such a promising start. Stan: Stay in it! Luke: Huddle up, defense. Huddle up, defense. Vince, don't jump on the front. That's the third and ten. Vince: Who made you coach? Luke: Think about it. Vince: That's what I thought. Player: Hey, guys. Luke: Four-three, code two. Four-three, code two. Team: Ready, break! Announcer: Never say die. Never quit. 37 seconds left in the game. Let's see if Cafferty and Howard can put some pressure on this Rattler offense and make something happen. And back to pass. Eric: Stick it! Announcer: Looking to cross the middle... Fires! Ho my! Luke captured it. Interception! He's bringing it the other way! ( Crowd goes wild. ) Tami: Go! Eric: Go! Go! Announcer: Here we go, folks. He's got a line up the sideline. Jess: Go on! ( Luke is running with the ball, headed to a touchdown, with Vince just ahead as his blocker. ) Announcer: Oh man, is this kid fast. One man to beat. He's got a blocker on front! He could go! ( Suddenly Vince stops, allowing Luke to get tackled. ) Announcer: Oh, mercy me! Vince Howard pulled up. Eric: Hey! What the hell was that? Announcer: Luke Cafferty, he's up and I'll tell you what: he's not happy about it. Vince Howard is getting an earful folks. Luke: Vince, what the hell was that? Vince: (holding up his hands) You're too fast, man. You're too fast! Luke: You're your own problem, V. You're your own problem. Eric: Vince, what was that?! What was that? Vince: I didn't have the angle, coach. ( Vince removes his helmet and argues with coach. ) Eric: What do you mean you didn't have an angle? Vince: I didn't have an angle! Eric: You could've run circles around him! Vince: ...don't waste no energy, huh, Coach? Eric: Hey, let me tell you something. You know what, you know why I always pick on you? Cuz you're good, that's why. You know why you have a problem? Cuz you're your own worst damn enemy! That's why! Vince: Fine! Get out of my face! Eric: No! You get out of my face and let me tell you something: put that damn helmet on right now. (he pulls Vince close and growls) Don't you dare talk to me like that out here. You change it right now. Or you will be out of this game so damn fast you will not ever... ( Vince pulls on his helmet. ) Vince: Yes, sir. Eric: You understand me? Vince: Yes, sir. ( Tami is watching from the stands (wearing her Lions red) watching with wide, worried eyes at how pissed Eric is at Vince. ) Eric: Landry! Landry: Yes, coach. Eric: Get out there. Get us a field goal. Get out there. Landry: Field goal! Here we go! Here we go! ( Eric shoves Vince back to the field. ) Eric: You're on the field goal team. Get in there, then! Don't you ever take that helmet off in front of me. Do you understand me? Announcer: Coach Taylor lining up for the field goal. Trying to get on the board. Clock is ticking folks. There's the snap. Oh, and it's over his head! Bouncing around the carpet. That was not pretty. Landry Clark picks it up. I don't know what he's going to do with it. Oh, he shovels it forward. Vince Howard on the outside. Oh, what a move! Just on the edge! Howard could go. This could be it folks! Oh my, touchdown! Touchdown East Dillon! Vince Howard has scored. Coach Taylor and the East Dillon Lions are on the board. ( The Lions are thrilled to score one goal!! They are so excited you wold think they hadn't just lost the game. ) Announcer: Touchdown Hallelujah. [INT. Julie's Room] ( Julie's reading in bed when Tami enters. ) Tami: Hey, how was your date? Julie: It was good. Tami: It was? Julie: It was good. Tami: I've been thinking. I think I want you to come to church with me cuz it makes me feel like family. And cuz I like having you sit next to me there, at least for a little bit longer. And I think it's good that you're questioning your faith. I just want you to have faith in something. Something that can hold you when I'm not going to be able to hold you anymore. Julie: Okay. I'll be there Sunday. ( Tami snuggles with Julie in the bed. ) Tami: I'm sorry but you're always going to be my little girl. [INT. Richard Sherman's Studio] Matt: Richard! Richard! ( Matt is scanning the area looking ready for an argument when he spots Richard's sculpture hanging up above. He stares at it in awe. Behind him he hears a snort and snore and looks over to see a passed out Richard. ) Richard: (mumbling) Hey, huh... Jesus... Matt: Hey! Get up! Richard: Ah, screw you. Matt: Alright, screw you, too. Richard: Ah...what are you doing? Matt: I'm just looking at this thing. Richard: That's a piece of crap. Matt: Yeah, well, it's a beautiful piece of crap. Richard: Thank you. Matt: Yeah, yeah. [INT. Coach and Mrs. Coach's bedroom] ( Tami enters carrying a glass of water as Eric dozes in bed. ) Eric: (his eyes closed) We'll get the money together somehow. ( Tami gets into bed, facing him. ) Tami: I know you will. Eric: I love you. Tami: I love you, too. ( Eric shuts off the light. ) Tami: And you know what? Eric: Hmm? Tami: Now that you've gotten all the way through the game, you gotta feel pretty good about that. Bet you'll sleep better tonight. ( Eric just lies there with his eyes wide open. )

Coach betrays Tami's trust over a financial decision; tensions between Vince and Luke threaten the team's chances on the field; Tim helps Coach condition his players; Julie doesn't want to go to church.

fd_Doctor_Who_02x13

fd_Doctor_Who_02x13_0

A recap of 212 "Army of Ghosts". OPENING CREDITS INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The Daleks advance upon Rose, Mickey and Doctor Singh, with cries of "exterminate! ". ROSE (shouts): Daleks! They fall silent, taken aback. ROSE (CONT'D): You're called "Daleks". The Daleks do not respond, seeming to simply observe her. Rose walks towards them. ROSE (CONT'D): I know your name. (Takes lab coat off). Think about it: how can I know that? A Human... who knows about the Daleks. And the Time War. If you wanna know how, then keep us alive. That's all I'm asking. Me and my friends. MICKEY: Yeah, Daleks. Time War. Me too. The Dalek's eye-piece swivels around to look at Mickey. RAJESH: Yeah. And me. DALEK SEK (to Rose): You will be necessary. (to Dalek Jast): Report: what is the status of the Genesis Ark? DALEK JAST: Status: hibernation. DALEK SEK: Commence awakening. DALEK THAY: The Genesis Ark must be protected above all else. The Dalek turns to the Genesis Ark, which also emerged from the sphere. It clamps its suction arm to the side of the Ark. MICKEY (to Rose, still pointing his gun at the Daleks): The Daleks, you said they were all dead. ROSE: Never mind that, what the hell's a Genesis Ark? INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE: What's down there? She was in that room with the sphere. What's happened to Rose? The Doctor is leaning against a wall. THE DOCTOR (abruptly): I don't know. Jackie starts to cry. The Doctor goes to her. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I'll find her. I brought you here, I'll get you both out. You and your daughter. Jackie, look at me. Look at me. Jackie looks up at him, eyes red from tears. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (sincerely): I promise you. I give you my word. A Cyberman approaches Yvonne, who is sat at her desk. CYBERMAN: You will talk to your central world authority and order global surrender. YVONNE (without even a trace of fear): Oh, do some research. We haven't got a central world authority. CYBERMAN: You have now. I will speak on all global wavelengths. The Doctor puts on his 3D specs. CYBERMAN (CONT'D): This broadcast is for human kind. INT. HOUSE A frightened family huddled in their living room watch this broadcast on the television. CYBERMAN (CONT'D): Cybermen now occupy every land mass on this planet. But you need not fear. Cybermen will remove fear. As the camera pans round, we see that a Cyberman is standing over the family, guarding them. The marching of Cybermen can be heard outside the house. CYBERMAN (CONT'D): Cybermen will remove s*x and class and colour and creed. You will become identical. You will become like us. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET Cybermen emerge from every house along a street in unison. EXT. BRIDGE Chaos on a bridge, people running, screaming, the military shooting at the Cybermen with no effect whatsoever. The Cybermen aim their own weapons, blowing up a truck, killing the soldiers. Finally one soldier manages to hit a Cyberman and it goes up in flames. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor, Jackie, Yvonne and one of the Cybermen observe the proceedings far below from the top of Torchwood Tower. CYBERMAN: I ordered surrender. THE DOCTOR: They're not taking instructions. Don't you understand? You're on every street, you're in their homes. You've got their children. (Angrily). Of course they're gonna fight. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: Which of you is least important? ROSE: What's that supposed to mean? DALEK SEK: Which of you is least important? ROSE: No, we don't work like that. None of us. DALEK SEK: Designate the least important! RAJESH: This is my responsibility. ROSE (holding him back): No, don't! Rajesh ignores her and stands before the Dalek dejectedly. RAJESH: I er, I represent the Torchwood Institute. Anything you need, you... come through me. Leave these two alone. DALEK SEK: You will kneel. RAJESH: What for? DALEK SEK: Kneel. Rajesh kneels. The surrounding Daleks direct their eye stalks onto him. DALEK SEK (CONT'D): The Daleks need information about current Earth history. RAJESH: Yeah well I can give you a certain amount of intelligence but nothing that will compromise Home Land security... DALEK SEK: Speech is not necessary. We will extract brainwaves. The three Daleks advance upon Rajesh and position their suction arms around his head. Rajesh is showing the first signs of fear. RAJESH: Don't... I... I'll tell you everything you need. No. No! He shouts out in agony before the Daleks crush his skull. Mickey makes towards him but Rose holds him back, knowing it's already too late. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN 1: Scans detect unknown technology active within sphere chamber. CYBERMAN 2: Cybermen will investigate. A Cyberman pushes two terrified members of staff roughly before him. CYBERMAN: Units 10 65 and 10 66 will investigate sphere chamber. CYBERMEN: We obey. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Daleks let Rajesh's blackened corpse fall to the ground. DALEK SEK: His mind spoke of a second species invading Earth infected by the superstition of ghosts. ROSE: You didn't need to kill him! DALEK CAAN: Neither did we need him alive. DALEK SEK: Dalek Thay, investigate outside. DALEK THAY: I obey. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Two Cybermen march down a corridor to investigate the sphere chamber. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Dalek Thay leaves the sphere chamber. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: Units open visual link. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR The two Cybermen clamp a fist to the logos on their chests. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER A visual of the area occupied by the two Cybermen appears on Yvonne's laptop. CYBERMAN: Visual contact established. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: Establish visual contact. Lower communications barrier. A projection appears in the area previously occupied by the sphere, showing Dalek Thay's point of view. He meets with the two Cybermen. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor starts as he sees the Dalek for the first time on Yvonne's laptop. DALEK THAY: Identify yourselves. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR CYBERMEN: You will identify first. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER DALEK THAY: State your identity. The Doctor is staring at the image on the laptop, like this is worse than he could have ever imagined. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR CYBERMEN: You will identify first. DALEK THAY: Identify! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER MICKEY: It's like Stephen Hawkins meets the Speaking Clock. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR CYBERMEN: ...illogical, you will modify. DALEK THAY: Daleks do not take orders. CYBERMEN: You have identified as Daleks. DALEK SEK: Outline resembles the inferior species known as "Cybermen". INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE (to the Doctor, scared of the answer): Rose said about the Daleks. She was terrified of them. What have they done to her, Doctor? Is she dead? The Doctor turns to her with frightening suddenness. THE DOCTOR (through gritted teeth): Phone. JACKIE (whispers): What did you...? THE DOCTOR: Phone! Jackie surreptitiously hands the Doctor her phone so the Cybermen do not notice. The Doctor dials Rose's number and holds the phone to his ear, obviously frantic with worry. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Rose answers her phone, but cannot talk for fear of drawing attention to herself. The Daleks and the Cybermen are bantering all the while. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: She's answered, she's alive. Jackie claps her hands over her mouth. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Why haven't they killed her? JACKIE: Well, don't complain! THE DOCTOR: They must need her for something. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK JAST: We must protect the Genesis Ark. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (hearing this through the phone): The Genesis Ark? He puts on his 3D glasses and looks at the laptop again. CYBERMAN: Our species our similar, though your design is inelegant. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR DALEK THAY: Daleks have no concept of elegance. CYBERMEN: This is obvious. But consider, our technologies are compatible. Cybermen plus Daleks, together, we could upgrade the Universe. DALEK THAY: You propose an alliance? CYBERMEN: This is correct. DALEK THAY: Request denied. The Cybermen immediately thrust their fists out, ready to shoot. CYBERMEN: Hostile elements will be deleted. They shoot at the Dalek, but the rays simply bounce off its armour. DALEK THAY: Exterminate! The Dalek aims at both Cybermen, one after the other, and they collapse onto the floor. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: Open visual link. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The Cyberman addresses the Daleks in the sphere chamber through the projection screen. CYBERMAN: Daleks, be warned: you have declared war upon the Cybermen. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Jackie's eyes widen in horror. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: This is not war. This is pest control. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: We have five million Cybermen. How many are you? INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: Four. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?! DALEK SEK: We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek. You are superior in only one respect. CYBERMAN: What is that? INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK SEK: You are better at dying. Raise communications barrier! The screen goes static. DALEK JAST: Wait! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (clicking the phone off): Lost her. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER DALEK JAST: Rewind image by nine rells. The Doctor is in frame in the background. DALEK JAST (CONT'D): Identify grid seven gamma frame. They zoom in on the Doctor. DALEK JAST (CONT'D): This male registers as enemy. Rose beams. DALEK SEK (turning on her): The female's heartbeat has increased. MICKEY: Yeah, tell me about it. DALEK SEK: Identify him. ROSE: All right then... if you really wanna know... that's the Doctor. The Daleks roll backwards sharply. ROSE (CONT'D): Five million Cybermen, easy. One Doctor? Now you're scared. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER CYBERMAN: Quarantine the Sphere Chamber. Start emergency upgrading. Begin with these personnel. Yvonne struggles and shouts as they drag her away. YVONNE: No, you can't do this! We surrendered! We surrendered! They begin to drag Jackie and the Doctor away too, but then : CYBERMAN: This one's increased adrenaline suggests he has vital Dalek information. Jackie screams back at the Doctor as she is dragged away and he shouts back over her, trying to reassure her. JACKIE: You promised me! You gave me your word! THE DOCTOR (as she is dragged out of sight): I'll think of something! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Dalek Thay enters the sphere chamber. DALEK THAY: Cyber threat irrelevant. Concentrate on the Genesis Ark. The black Dalek, Sek, presses its suction arm to the side of the Genesis Ark. MICKEY (to Rose): Why are we being kept alive? ROSE (after a pause): They might need me. MICKEY: What? What is it? Rose is just staring at the Daleks, fear in her eyes. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR / NEW OFFICES The Cybermen have taken Yvonne and Jackie down to the curtained area. They are marching the personnel behind the curtains to be upgraded. The place is full of screaming and the sound of drills, sparks flying. JACKIE: What happens in there? What's upgrading mean? What do they do? YVONNE (looking and sounding slightly sick): I think... I think they remove the brain... sorry, um... I think they remove the brain and they put it in a suit of armour. That's what these things are. They're us. CYBERMAN: Next. Yvonne is dragged away. JACKIE (shouting after her): This is your fault! You and your Torchwood. You've killed us all! YVONNE (shouting tearfully): I did my duty for Queen and Country. She wrenches her arm away from the Cyberman's grip and faces the area where the humans are being upgraded, steeling herself to walk in. YVONNE (CONT'D) (to herself): I did my duty. I did my duty. Oh, God. I did my duty. She walks in. Jackie winces at the sound of her screams and the sparks flying from behind the curtain. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor is sitting on the window sill in silence. A Cyberman approaches him. CYBERMAN: You are proof. THE DOCTOR: Of what? CYBERMAN: That emotions destroy you. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I am. (Glances to the side). Mind you, I quite like hope. Hope's a good emotion. And here it comes. The Cyberman follows his gaze. A group of people dressed in black suits, wearing helmets and carrying guns appear out of thin air. One of them shouts to the others and they shoot at a row of Cybermen, immediately destroying them. The Doctor rolls out of the way and crouches in a corner of Yvonne's office as the last Cyberman has his head blown off. The man responsible speaks to the Doctor in a familiar voice. JAKE: Doctor, good to see you again. He takes off his helmet, it's Jake. The Doctor's eyes widen. THE DOCTOR: Jake?! JAKE: The Cybermen came through from one world to another, and so did we. The Doctor stares at him, looking more concerned than pleased. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR A Cyberman drags a struggling Jackie along, but lets go of her as he speaks to one of his fellows. CYBERMAN 1: Cyber Leader One has been terminated. CYBERMAN 2: Explain, download shared files. Jackie takes this opportunity to sneak away. CYBERMAN 1: I will be upgraded to Cyber Leader. Jackie dashes down a back stair well as fast as she can. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JAKE (to his group): Defend this room. Chrissie, monitor communications. The Doctor puts on his 3D glasses, using them to look at the group. JAKE (CONT'D): Kill one Cyber Leader and they just download into another. Move! They hurry from the room to do as they're told, leaving the Doctor alone with Jake. THE DOCTOR: You can't just... just... just hop from one world to another. You can't. JAKE: We just did. With these. He chucks the Doctor what looks like a large yellow button on a chain, to be worn around the neck. THE DOCTOR: But that's impossible. You can't have this sort of technology. JAKE: We've got our own version of Torchwood. They developed it. Do you wanna come and see? THE DOCTOR: No! But too late, Jake's pressed the button and they both disappear. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER They reappear in the same room, except it's considerably darker and looks as though there has been a recent struggle. There are wires and equipment strewn all over the floor. JAKE: Parallel Earth, parallel Torchwood. Except we found out what the institute was doing and the people's republic took control. THE DOCTOR (urgently): I've gotta get back. Rose is in danger. And her mother. PETE (walking in followed by two soldiers): That'd be Jackie. The Doctor looks up in surprise. PETE (CONT'D): My wife in a parallel universe. And as for you, Doctor, at least this time I know who you are. THE DOCTOR (running over to him): Right, yes, fine, hooray. But I've gotta get back. Right now. PETE (maddeningly calm): No, you're not in charge here. This is our world, not yours. And you're gonna listen for once. The Doctor looks at him darkly, falling silent. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Whilst the Daleks are crowded around the Genesis Ark, Mickey shows Rose his own yellow button. MICKEY: I could transport out of here, but it only carries one and I'm not leaving you. ROSE: You'd follow me anywhere. What did I do to you all those years ago? MICKEY: Guess I'm just stupid. ROSE (squeezing his hand): You're the bravest man I've ever met. MICKEY: What about the Doctor? ROSE: Oh, all right. Bravest Human. They smile. MICKEY: Well, I can't think what the Daleks need with me. I'm nothing to them. ROSE: You could be... whatever's inside that Ark is waking up and I've seen this happen before. INT. DALEK CELL Flashback to 106. Rose, full of pity, places her hand on the Dalek's armour. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): The first time I saw a Dalek, it was broken. It was dying. But I touched it. The moment I did that... I brought it back to life. The Dalek wrenches free of its chains. End flashback. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER ROSE (CONT'D) (keeping her voice low): As the Doctor said... when you travel in time in the TARDIS, you soak up all this... um... background radiation. It's harmless, it's just there. But in the Time War, the Daleks evolved so they could use it as a power supply. MICKEY (gazing at her): I love it when you talk technical. ROSE: Shut up. If the Daleks have got something inside that thing that needs waking up... MICKEY: They need you. ROSE: You've travelled in time, either one of us would do. MICKEY: But why would they build something they can't open themselves? DALEK SEK (suddenly interjecting): The technology is stolen. The Ark is not of Dalek design. ROSE: Then who built it? DALEK SEK: The Time Lords. This is all that survives of their Home World. The four Daleks are shuffling around the Ark. ROSE: What's inside? DALEK SEK: The future. Rose stares at the Ark and the surrounding Daleks with fearful apprehension. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor is pressed up against the white expanse of wall in the parallel Torchwood, squinting as if trying to hear something. Pete stands behind him. PETE: When you left this world, you warned us there'd be more Cybermen. So we sealed them inside the factories. The Doctor steps away from the wall. JAKE: Except people argued. Said they were living. We should help them. PETE: And the debate went on. But all that time, the Cybermen made plans. Infiltrated this version of Torchwood, mapped themselves onto your world, and then vanished. THE DOCTOR: When was this? PETE: Three years ago. They stroll back down the room. THE DOCTOR: It's taken them three years to cross the void, but we can pop to and fro in a second. Must be the sheer mass of five million Cybermen crossing all at once. PETE : Yeah, Mickey said you'd rattle off that sort of stuff. THE DOCTOR: Oh, where is the Mickey-boy? PETE: He went ahead first. Any chance to go and find Miss Rose Tyler. THE DOCTOR: She's your daughter. You do know that? Did Mickey explain? PETE: She's not mine. She's the child of a dead man. Now they've reached the window. They look down at the scene below. PETE (CONT'D): Look at it. A world of peace. They're calling this "The Golden Age". THE DOCTOR: Who's the President now? PETE: A woman called Harriet Jones. THE DOCTOR (exhales): I'd keep an eye on her. PETE: But it's a lie. Temperatures have risen by two degrees in the past six months. The ice caps are melting. They're saying all this is gonna be flooded. That's not just global warming, is it? THE DOCTOR: No. PETE: It's the breach. THE DOCTOR (irked): I've been trying to tell you, travel between parallel worlds is impossible. Then the Daleks break down the walls with the sphere... PETE: Daleks? THE DOCTOR: Then the Cybermen travelled across, then you lot, those disks, every time you jump from one reality to another, you rip a hole in the universe. This planet is starting to boil. Keep going and both worlds will fall into the Void. PETE: But you can stop it, the famous Doctor...? You can seal the breach? THE DOCTOR: Leaving five million Cybermen stranded on my Earth. PETE: That's your problem. I'm protecting this world, and this world only. THE DOCTOR (laughs softly, looks him up and down): Hm... Pete Tyler... I knew you when you were dead. Now here you are, fighting the fight... alone... (Steps closer to him). There is a chance... back on my world... Jackie Tyler might still be alive. PETE: My wife died. THE DOCTOR: Her husband died. Good match. PETE: There's more important things at stake. (pleading). Doctor... help us. THE DOCTOR (backing away): What? Close the breach? Stop the Cybermen? Defeat the Daleks? Do you believe I can do that? PETE (confidently): Yes. THE DOCTOR: Maybe that's all I need. (grins). Off we go, then! INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor, Jake and Pete appear. The Doctor rushes to the phone. THE DOCTOR: First of all, I need to make a phone call. You don't mind? JAKE (to the soldiers): You two, guard to door. Pete watches the Doctor as he hurriedly dials Jackie's number on the phone in Yvonne's office. INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL Jackie is running down the stairs when her phone rings. JACKIE (answering the phone): Help me! Oh, my God, help me. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: Jackie, you're alive! Listen... He shushes her as she screeches hysterically down the phone at him. JACKIE : They tried to download me but I ran away! THE DOCTOR: Listen, tell me, where are you? INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL JACKIE (still running down the stairs): I don't know! Staircase. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: Yeah, which one? Is there any... any sort of sign? Anything to identify it? JACKIE: Yes! A fire extinguisher! THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that helps... INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL JACKIE (notices a sign on the wall): Oh, wait a minute, it says "N3". INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: North corner, staircase 3. Just keep low, we're trying our best. INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL JACKIE (quickly): No, don't leave me! INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR: I've gotta go, I'm sorry. He puts the phone down and turns to Pete. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler. PETE: She's not my wife. THE DOCTOR: I was at the wedding. (accusingly). You got her name wrong. He goes to Jake and takes his gun off him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now then, Jake-y boy, if I can open up the bonding chamber on this thing, it could work on polycarbide. JAKE: What's polycarbide? THE DOCTOR: Skin of a Dalek. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR A white sheet of A4 paper attached to stick to make a flag pops around the corner and waves comically. The Doctor follows a few seconds later. THE DOCTOR: Sorry. The Cybermen a short way down the corridor spin around to look at him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (apologetically): No white flag. I only had a sheet of A4. Same difference. CYBERMAN (holding his fist before him, ready to shoot): Do you surrender? THE DOCTOR (marching forward to meet the Cyberman): I surrender. Unto you. (They are nose-to-nose). A very good idea. He grins. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The Daleks back away from the Genesis Ark. DALEK CAAN: Final stage of awakening. DALEK SEK: Your handprint will open the Ark. ROSE : Well tough, 'cos I'm not doing it. DALEK SEK: Obey or the male will die. ROSE (immediately moving towards the Ark): I can't let them. MICKEY: Rose, don't. DALEK SEK: Place your hand upon the casket. ROSE (violently): All right! (Turns to Ark). You're gonna kill us anyway, so what the hell? Playing for time, she turns back to the Dalek, goes to stand right in front of it. ROSE (CONT'D): If you um... escaped the Time War... don't you want to know what happened? DALEK SEK: Place your hand... ROSE: What happened to the Emperor? DALEK SEK: The Emperor survived. ROSE: 'Til he met me... 'cos if these are gonna be my last words, then you're gonna listen. I met the Emperor. And I took the Time Vortex and I pulled it into his head and turned him into dust. Do you get that? The God of all Daleks... and I destroyed him. She gives the Dalek a gloating smile, and laughs. DALEK SEK (furiously): You will be exterminated! THE DOCTOR (from the doorway): Oh now, hold on, wait a minute. DALEK SEK: Alert, alert, you are the Doctor. Rose smiles with delight. The Doctor saunters into the room. He's wearing his 3D specs. DALEK THAY: Sensors report he is unarmed. THE DOCTOR (lightly): That's me. Always. DALEK SEK: Then you are powerless. THE DOCTOR: Not me. (Takes specs off with a flourish). Never. (To Rose). How are you? ROSE (grinning at him): Oh, same old, you know. THE DOCTOR: Good! And Mickity-McMickey! (They bash fists). Nice to see ya! MICKEY: And you, boss. DALEK JAST: Social interaction will cease! DALEK SEK: How did you survive the Time War? THE DOCTOR: By fighting. On the front line. Mickey turns, as if maybe this is the first time he's heard of this. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I was there at the fall of Arcadia. Someday I might even come to terms with that. But you lot, ran away! DALEK SEK: We had to survive. THE DOCTOR: The last four Daleks in existence. So what's so special about you? ROSE (low voice): Doctor, they've got names. And Daleks don't have names, do they? One of them said they... DALEK THAY: I am Dalek Thay. DALEK SEK: Dalek Sek. DALEK JAST: Dalek Jast. DALEK CAAN: Dalek Caan. THE DOCTOR (seemingly delighted): So that's it! At last... the Cult of Skaro. I thought you were just a legend. ROSE: Who are they? THE DOCTOR (strolls around them): A secret order. Above and beyond the Emperor himself. Their job was to imagine. Think as the enemy thinks. Even dared to have names. (Distastefully). All to find new ways of killing. MICKEY (gesturing to the Ark): But that thing, they said it was yours. I mean, Time Lords. They built it. What does it do? THE DOCTOR (glancing at it): I don't know. Never seen it before. ROSE: But it's... Time Lord. THE DOCTOR: Both sides had secrets. (To the Daleks): What is it? What have you done? DALEK SEK: Time Lord science will restore Dalek supremacy. THE DOCTOR: What does that mean? What sort of Time Lord science? What do you mean? ROSE: They said one touch from a time traveller will wake it up. THE DOCTOR: Technology using the one thing a Dalek can't do. (Dalek POV). Touch. Sealed inside your casing. Not feeling anything... ever... from birth to death, locked inside a cold metal cage. (Whispers). Completely alone. And that explains your voice. No wonder you scream. DALEK SEK: The Doctor will open the Ark! The Doctor laughs contemptuously. THE DOCTOR: The Doctor will not. DALEK SEK: You have no way of resisting. THE DOCTOR: Well... you got me there. Although... there is always this. He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. DALEK SEK: A sonic probe? THE DOCTOR: That's "screwdriver". DALEK SEK (scornfully): It is harmless. THE DOCTOR: Oh yes. Harmless is just the word. That's why I like it. Doesn't kill, doesn't wound, doesn't maim. But I'll tell you what it does do, it is very good at opening doors. He activates the screwdriver, and immediately, the doors explode inwards. Jake, his men, and the Cybermen leap into action, firing their guns at the Daleks. CYBERMAN: Delete! Delete! Delete! Delete! DALEK CAAN: Alert! Casing impact, casing impact! The Doctor and Rose have flung themselves to the ground, trying to avoid the guns. THE DOCTOR: Rose, get out! Rose makes towards the door but stumbles. DALEK SEK: Fire power insufficient! Fire power insufficient! Pete helps Rose to her feet; she's surprised to see him there but obviously there's no time for him to explain. They make for the door. Mickey picks up a gun and starts firing anywhere. CYBERMAN: Daleks will be deleted. Delete! Delete! The Doctor manages to reach Rose and Pete where they stand in the doorway, out of harms way. ROSE (yelling to Mickey who is still in the midst of the havoc): Mickey, come on! DALEK THAY: Adapt to weaponry! DALEK SEK: Fire power restored! The Dalek fires once at a Cyberman, immediately destroying it. Jake manages to reach the door, but Mickey loses his footing and accidentally places his hand upon the Genesis Ark, leaving a red hot mark there. He dashes for the door. DALEK SEK (CONT'D): Cybermen primary target. Mickey winces in pain as he looks at his hand. The rest of Jake's men manage to slip through the door before it closes, sealing both the Daleks and the Cybermen inside. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR THE DOCTOR: Jake, check the stairwell. The rest of you, come on! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Inside, the Daleks finish off two more of the Cybermen. The Doctor and his friends run, Mickey brandishing the gun as he goes. Steam pours from the gaps in the Genesis Ark. DALEK SEK: Cybermen have been exterminated. Daleks are supreme. DALEK JAST: The Genesis Ark is primed. DALEK SEK: The Ark needs area of thirteen square miles. Move! The Ark glides smoothly across the floor. DALEK JAST: Genesis Ark mobile! INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Mickey, Rose and the Doctor are running down a corridor. MICKEY (referring to his touching the Ark): I just fell, I didn't mean it! THE DOCTOR: Mickey, without us, they'd have opened it by force. To do that, they'd have blown up the sun. You've done us a favour! (He kisses the top of Mickey's head). Now, run! INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL Jackie is still hurrying down the stairs. She comes to an abrupt halt, Cybermen approaching from the bottom of the stairs. She starts running back up again, then exits the stairwell. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Jackie starts down a corridor. She yelps as she comes face to face with two Cybermen. CYBERMAN: You will be upgraded. JACKIE (whimpers): No, but you can't! Please... The Cybermen are shot from behind, they fall to the ground, dead, to reveal Pete aiming a gun behind them. He is accompanied by the Doctor, Rose and Mickey. Jackie squints through the smoke clouding him, uncomprehending, then her eyes widen as she realises... JACKIE (CONT'D): Pete! In the background, Rose's hands go to her mouth. PETE: Hello, Jacks. JACKIE (she's almost annoyed, her tone plaintive): I said there were ghosts, but that's not fair. Why him? PETE: I'm not a ghost. JACKIE : But you're dead. You died twenty years ago, Pete. THE DOCTOR (stepping forward tentatively in an attempt to explain): It's Pete from a different Universe. There are parallel worlds, Jackie. Every single decision we make creates a parallel existence, a different dimension where... JACKIE: Oh, you can shut up. And for once, the Doctor does, stepping back into the background. Pete smiles. JACKIE (CONT'D) (gazing at Pete): Oh... you look old. PETE: You don't. JACKIE: How can you be standing there? PETE: Just got lucky... lived my life. You were left on your own. You didn't marry again, or...? JACKIE (quietly): There was never anyone else. The Doctor and Mickey smirk. JACKIE (CONT'D): Twenty years, though. Look at me, I never left that flat. Did nothing with myself. PETE: Brought her up. Rose Tyler. The Doctor and Mickey smile. PETE (CONT'D): That's not bad. JACKIE (whispers): Yeah. PETE: In my world, it worked. All those daft little plans of mine. They worked. Made me rich. JACKIE: I don't care about that. (pause). How rich? PETE: Very. JACKIE: I don't care about that. How very? Pete laughs. Rose rolls her eyes and the Doctor smiles fondly. PETE: Thing is though, Jacks, you're... you're not my wife. I'm sorry, but you're not. I mean, we both... Jackie nods. He looks at her, fighting it. PETE (CONT'D): You know, it's just sort of... (He gives in and starts towards her). Oh, come here. They run to meet each other, Jackie starting to cry. He sweeps her off the ground in a huge hug. INT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR The Daleks burst through the doors of the factory floor to meet rows of Cybermen. DALEK SEK: Exterminate! CYBERMEN: Delete! They fire at each other, the Cybermen's rays bouncing off the Dalek's armour, but the Dalek's exterminator beams a lot more effective. Cries of "delete! " and "exterminate! " fill the air, along with the shouts of the surrounding soldiers who are shooting at both parties. The Daleks accompany the Ark. CYBERMAN: Emergency, all units will converge on the Torchwood Tower. EXT. STREET In answer to him, Cybermen march out into the road as one, and start in the direction of Canary Wharf. CYBERMAN (CONT'D) (voice-over): Repeat, all Cybermen to Torchwood. The frightened families stand outside their houses as they watch the Cybermen leave. EXT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR The Doctor opens the door to where the battle between the Cybermen and the Daleks is taking place, peering into the lab, waiting for the right moment to enter. He dives into the room, watched anxiously by Rose who winces every time a beam passes near him. The Doctor picks up two of the magnaclamps, using them to deflect the rays from himself. He makes back towards the door with them, dodging the beams. He trips over a Cyberman's body. ROSE (whispers): Come on, please. The Doctor quickly gets to his feet and slips through the door to safety. Rose closes it after him. After a few moments, it opens again, and the Doctor's head peers around. This time, he's wearing the 3D specs. DALEK SEK: Override roof mechanism. The roof begins to open slowly. DALEK SEK: El-ev-ate. ROSE (watching): What're they doing? Why'd they need to get outside?! THE DOCTOR (baffled): Time Lord science... What Time Lord science? (Takes specs off). What is it? Dalek Sek elevates through the ceiling into the open air with the Ark. The Doctor shuts the door. EXT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR He runs back down the corridor, shouting to the others as he goes. THE DOCTOR: We've gotta see what it's doing, we've gotta go back up! Come on! All of you! Top floor! JACKIE: That's forty-five floors up! Believe me, I've done 'em all. JAKE (popping his head out of the lift): We could always take the lift... EXT. CANARY WHARF As the Dalek rises up the side of Canary Wharf, the lift rises to the top floor. DALEK SEK: The Genesis Ark will open. The Ark opens slowly to reveal a Dalek. The Ark begins to spin. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor and the others finally step out of the lift on the top floor and rush to the window, the Doctor dumping the magnaclamps down on Yvonne's desk as he goes. As the Genesis Ark spins, Daleks shoot out of it, more and more of them. The Doctor stares in horror. THE DOCTOR: Time Lord science... it's bigger on the inside. MICKEY: Did Time Lords put those Daleks in there? What for? THE DOCTOR: It's a prison ship. ROSE: How many Daleks? THE DOCTOR: Millions. EXT. CANARY WHARF The Daleks spread out over London. EXT. STREET The Cybermen march down a street. Then they stop as one, and fire their weapons up into the air at the Daleks. This has absolutely no effect on the Daleks. DALEK SEK: Exterminate all life forms below. Ex-ter-min-ate! The Daleks fire at the terrified people running below them. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER PETE (walking away from the window): I'm sorry, but you've had it. This world's gonna crash and burn. There's nothing we can do. We're going home. Jacks, take this. He tosses her one of the yellow buttons. JACKIE: But they're destroying the City! PETE (affectionately): I'd forgotten you could argue. He loops the button around her neck himself. PETE (CONT'D): It's not just London, it's the whole world. He takes her face in his hands, making her look at him. PETE (CONT'D): But there's another world, just waiting for you, Jacks. And it's safe. As long as the Doctor closes the breach. Doctor? The Doctor turns from the window with his 3D specs on and a big grin. THE DOCTOR (gleefully): Oh, I'm ready. I've got the equipment right here. Thank you, Torchwood! He dashes to a computer. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Slam it down and close off both universes. COMPUTER: Reboot systems. ROSE: But we can't just leave. What about the Daleks? And the Cybermen...? The Doctor stands. THE DOCTOR : They're part of the problem. And that makes them part of the solution. Oh yes! Rose laughs nervously. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (he seems to have acquired a new lease of life): Well?! Isn't anyone gonna ask? What is it with the glasses? ROSE (grinning): What is it with the glasses? THE DOCTOR: I can see! That's what! 'Cos we've got two separate worlds, but in-between the two separate worlds, we've got the Void. That's where the Daleks were hiding. And the Cybermen travelled through the Void to get here! And you lot, one world to another, via the Void! Oh, I like that. Via the Void! Look! He presses the glasses onto Rose's face. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I've been through it. Do you see? He dodges about so Rose can see, with the aid of the glasses, that he is surrounded by floating green and red particles. She reaches out to try and touch them. COMPUTER: Reboot in three minutes. THE DOCTOR: Void stuff. ROSE: Like um... background radiation! THE DOCTOR: That's it. Look at the others. Rose turns to look at Jake, Mickey, Jackie and Pete. Jackie is the only one not surrounded by the "Void Stuff". THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (pointing): The only one who hasn't been through the Void, your mother. First time she's looked normal in her life. Rose giggles. JACKIE: Oi! The Doctor dashes into the clear white area, Rose following. THE DOCTOR: The Daleks lived inside the Void. They're bristling with it. Cybermen, all of them. I just open the Void, end of verse. The Void stuff gets sucked back inside. ROSE (just as enthusiastically): Pulling them all in. THE DOCTOR: Pulling them all in! MICKEY: Sorry... what's... what's the Void? THE DOCTOR: The dead space. Some people call it "Hell". MICKEY (looping the button around his neck): So... you're sending the Daleks and Cybermen to Hell. (To Jake): Man, I told you he was good. ROSE (who's been looking around with the glasses): But it's... like you said, we've all got Void stuff. Me too, 'cos we went to that parallel world. She flexes her fingers, examining the particles floating around them. She pulls the glasses off. The Doctor stands before her. ROSE (CONT'D) (to the Doctor): We're all contaminated. We'll get pulled in. THE DOCTOR: That's why you've gotta go. COMPUTER: Reboot in two minutes. Rose stares at him, uncomprehending. THE DOCTOR: Back to Pete's world. (points at Pete). Hey, we should call it that: Pete's World.(He turns back to Rose). I'm opening the Void, but only on this side. You'll be safe on that side. Rose continues to stare at him. PETE: And then you close it. For good? THE DOCTOR: The breach itself is soaked in Void Stuff, in the end it'll close itself. And that's it. Kaput. Rose is just starting to realise what this means. ROSE: But you stay on this side...? MICKEY: But you'll get pulled in. The Doctor holds Rose's gaze for a moment before he runs over to the magnaclamps. Rose stays put, looking like she's been slapped around the face. THE DOCTOR: That's why... I got these. I'll just have to hold on tight, I've been doing it all my life. ROSE: I'm supposed to go. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. ROSE: To another world, and then it gets sealed off. THE DOCTOR: Yeah. It's obvious he doesn't want to talk about this. He goes to another of the computers. ROSE: Forever. (Laughs at the absurdity of the idea). That's not gonna happen. A crash from outside shakes the building. PETE (briskly): We haven't got time to argue, the plans works, we go in. You too. All of us. ROSE (angrily): No, I'm not leaving him! JACKIE: I'm not going without her. PETE: Oh, my God. We're going. JACKIE: I've had twenty years without you, so button it. I'm not leaving her. ROSE (turning her around): You've got to. JACKIE (voice rising): Well, that's tough! ROSE: Mum... COMPUTER: Reboot in one minute. ROSE (voice trembling with suppressed tears as she speaks in soft tones): I've had a life with you for nineteen years. But then I met the Doctor and... all the things I've seen him do for me. For you. For all of us. For the whole... stupid planet and every planet out there. He does it alone, mum. Behind her, the Doctor is watching her with terrible sadness in his eyes as he silently takes a button on a chain out of his pocket. ROSE (CONT'D): But not anymore. (Backs away from Jackie, towards the Doctor). 'Cos now he's got me. The Doctor loops the chain around Rose's neck. ROSE (CONT'D): What're you...? Pete quickly presses the button. They all disappear, leaving the Doctor alone and gazing at the place Rose was with a heavy heart. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The others reappear in the parallel Torchwood. Rose looks around. ROSE (under her breath): Oh no you don't. He's not doing that to me again. She presses down on the button. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose reappears. ROSE (CONT'D): I think this is the on switch... The Doctor starts. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Pete snatches Jackie's button away from her before she can press it. JACKIE: But I've gotta go back! PETE (forcefully): The Doctor said every time we use one of these, it damages the whole world. Now that's it. JACKIE: She's your daughter! PETE: She's your daughter, not mine. He walks away, snatching Mickey's button away. JACKIE (desperately): Mickey, tell him. Tell him, Mickey! Mickey! Mickey does not respond. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor grabs Rose roughly by the shoulders, stooping slightly so he can look straight into her eyes. THE DOCTOR (as if trying to drum sense into her): Once the breach collapses, that's it. You will never be able to see her again. Your own mother! ROSE (calmly, although her voice trembles): I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you. The Doctor stares at her for a moment, stunned. Then he releases his grip. ROSE (CONT'D): So what can I do to help? COMPUTER: Systems rebooted. Open access. Rose stubbornly holds the Doctor's gaze. He finally gives in. THE DOCTOR (pointing to a computer): Those co-ordinates over there, set them all at six. Rose does as she's told. He watches her walk to the computer. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (he sounds almost angry): And hurry up. Rose leans over the computer, taking her button from around her neck and glancing at the Doctor nervously. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE (pushing Pete away): Get away from me! She breaks down into tears, her hands over her eyes. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER ROSE (looking the computer): We've got Cybermen on the way up. THE DOCTOR (running to look): How many floors down? ROSE: Just one. The screen shows the Cybermen marching up the stairwell. INT. TORCHWOOD, STAIRWELL CYBERMAN: We will retreat through the breach. Regain the Home World. A Cyberman appears at the top of the stairs, pointing a gun at the others. When it speaks, Yvonne's voice is discernable through the Cyber-tones. CYBERMAN / YVONNE: You will not pass. CYBERMAN: What is the meaning of this? CYBERMAN / YVONNE: You will not pass. She pulls the trigger, destroying the other Cybermen with a bright ray of white light. CYBERMAN / YVONNE (CONT'D): I did my duty for Queen and Country. I did my duty for Queen and Country. I did my duty for Queen and Country. She sheds a single black tear. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor taps in a command on the laptop. COMPUTER: Levers operational. The Doctor grins. ROSE (cheered by this): That's more like it, bit of a smile! The old team...! THE DOCTOR (picking up a magnaclamp and going to her): Hope and Glory, Mutt and Jeff, Shiver and Shake! ROSE: Which one's Shiver? THE DOCTOR: Oh, I'm Shake. He dumps the Magnaclamp on her. Next moment, they've both attached them to the wall next to the levers on opposite sides of the room. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Press the red button. Rose does so. EXT. CANARY WHARF DALEK (still in the air): Breach active. It is the Doctor! Exterminate him! Four of the Daleks swoop towards Torchwood Tower, with cries of "exterminate! ". INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (speaking very fast): When it starts, just hold on tight. Shouldn't be too bad for us but the Daleks and the Cybermen are steeped in Void Stuff. Are you ready? They get into their positions beside the levers. ROSE (staring out of the window): So are they. The Daleks appear at the window. THE DOCTOR: Let's do it! They push the levers upwards and then hurriedly take hold of the magnaclamps. COMPUTER: Online. The area is filled with the white light once more, but this time, there's also the sound of a strong wind. The Daleks are sucked through the window, smashing through the glass as they are pulled into the white light and back to the Void. Rose and the Doctor hold on to the clamps tightly, struggling to hold on. THE DOCTOR (shouting over the wind): The breach is open! Into the Void! Ha! EXT. LONDON / INDIA / PARIS Cybermen all over the world are lifted into the air and they zoom across the land to Torchwood Tower, along with millions of Daleks, all shrieking, all powerless. They hurtle into the Void. EXT. CANARY WHARF DALEK SEK: Emergency temporal shift! He vanishes. The Genesis Ark is sucked into Torchwood Tower. People are starting to come out of their hiding places to watch. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose smiles across at the Doctor as they are billowed by the wind. Suddenly, their is a small explosion of sparks and the lever on Rose's side moves back into the off position. The smiles fade from their faces. COMPUTER: Offline. THE DOCTOR: Turn it on! The suction is starting to ease. Rose reaches for the lever whilst trying to maintain her grip on the clamp, but it is just slightly too far away. She strains to reach it, eventually falling onto it. The Doctor watches, full of dread. Rose whimpers as she struggles with the lever. ROSE: I've gotta get it upright! Rose pushes the lever upwards, groaning with the effort. Finally, she manages to push the lever upright. The Doctor watches with his heart in his mouth. COMPUTER: Online and locked. The suction increases once more. But now, Rose has nothing to hold on to but the lever. THE DOCTOR (shouting in desperation): Rose, hold on! But the Void pulls at her, making it near impossible for her to keep her grip. She winces and cries out with the effort. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (screaming now): Hold on! Rose moans, her strength almost spent, the Doctor stares at her in absolute terror, horribly powerless, reaching out to her in vain. With one last cry, Rose's grip finally slips. She is pulled inexorably towards the Void, crying out. The Doctor screams her name as she is pulled away from him. Pete appears the moment before she reaches the breach and she falls into his arms. Rose has time only to glance over her shoulder at the Doctor before she and Pete vanish. The Doctor stares at the place where they disappeared, breathing very heavily. The breach closes itself. The wind dies down, leaving the place silent. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER In the parallel Torchwood, Rose hammers on the wall. ROSE (hysterical): Take me back! Take me back! She breaks down into tears of raw grief, slamming her fists against the wall like there's nothing else. ROSE (CONT'D) (through her tears): Take me back... Pete takes his button from around his neck and looks at it for a moment. PETE: It's stopped working. He did it. He closed the breach. ROSE (sobbing, hands pressed against the wall): No... INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor walks slowly up to the wall on his side. He lays one palm flat against it, and then rests his head there, empty. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER As if she senses his presence there, Rose suddenly presses her cheek against the wall as though listening for him, palm matching his. They stay that way for a long moment, just feeling each other. Another sob escapes from Rose. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor finally lets his hand slide down the wall. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose does the same, as if she knows he's no longer there, feeling the loss as potently as if they had really been touching. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor turns from the wall, expressionless. He walks away. INT. PARALLEL TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rose leans against the wall, wiping the tears from her eyes. The only three people she has left, Pete, Jackie, Mickey, watch her uncomfortably, at a loss for words. Jackie takes both their hands. At last, Rose turns away, her face soaked with tears. Fade to black. THE DOCTOR (voice-over. Whispers): Rose. INT. TYLERS' MANSION, ROSE'S BEDROOM Rose is asleep in bed. ROSE (voice-over. She sounds desolate, depressed): Last night I had a dream. THE DOCTOR (voice-over, whispers): Rose... ROSE (voice-over): I heard a voice and it was calling my name. Rose opens her eyes and sits bolt upright. THE DOCTOR (voice-over): Rose... Rose... Rose. INT. TYLER'S MANSION, SITTING ROOM Still in their pyjamas, Rose, Jackie, Pete and Mickey sit around a roaring fire as Rose relates her dream to them. ROSE: I had a dream, um... (voice-over): I told mum and dad and Mickey. Anyone else would think I was mad. But not those three. They believed it. Because they've met the Doctor. So they listened to the dream. He was calling me, and... The three of them listen to her intently. EXT. TYLER'S MANSION, DRIVEWAY It is still dark when the four of them leave the house, fully dressed. ROSE (voice-over): And that night, we packed up... They load their luggage into the boot and jump into the car. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Got into dad's old Jeep and off we went. They drive away into the night. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Just like the dream said. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD It is daylight now, and they're driving down a long country road. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Followed the voice... across the water... kept on driving hundreds and hundreds of miles. Because he's calling. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY THE DOCTOR (voice-over): Rose... Now they stand on a deserted, bleak beach. Pete, Jackie and Mickey stand by the Jeep as Rose walks across the sand as though looking for something. ROSE (voice-over): Here I am at last. And this is the story of how I died. Rose comes to a halt in the middle of the beach and stands there, waiting. A short way to her left, the Doctor fades out of thin air. Rose turns to him. He's slightly translucent. ROSE: Where are you? THE DOCTOR (his voice sounds distant): Inside the TARDIS. INT. TARDIS The Doctor is, in reality, standing by the TARDIS console facing straight ahead. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): There's one tiny little gap in the universe left, just about to close. And it takes a lot of power to send this projection, I'm in orbit around a super nova. (Laughs softly). I'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye. Sure enough, the TARDIS is spinning around a beautiful super nova. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY ROSE (shaking her head): You look like a ghost. THE DOCTOR: Hold on... He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. INT. TARDIS He points the sonic screwdriver at the console and somehow this strengthens his projection. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY The Doctor now looks as solid as if he were really there. Rose walks over to him and raises a hand to touch his face. ROSE: Can I t...? THE DOCTOR (regretfully): I'm still just an image. No touch. ROSE (voice trembling): Can't you come through properly? THE DOCTOR: The whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse. ROSE (only half joking): So? The Doctor smiles and they watch each other for a few moments before the Doctor looks around at their surroundings. THE DOCTOR: Where are we? Where did the gap come out? ROSE: We're in Norway. THE DOCTOR: Norway. Right. ROSE: About fifty miles out of Bergen. It's called "Darlig Ulv Stranden". THE DOCTOR (surprised): Dalek? ROSE: Darl-IG. It's Norwegian for "bad". The Doctor continues to stare at her, brow furrowed. ROSE (CONT'D): This translates as "Bad Wolf Bay". They laugh at the irony of this, but sober almost immediately. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice cracking): How long have we got? THE DOCTOR: About two minutes... ROSE (almost laughing at the absurdity of this): I can't think of what to say! The Doctor laughs too, then glances over at where Jackie, Pete and Mickey are waiting by the Jeep. THE DOCTOR: You've still got Mr. Mickey, then? ROSE: There's five of us now. Mum, dad, Mickey... and the baby. THE DOCTOR (taken-aback): You're not...? ROSE: No. (Laughs). It's mum. The Doctor laughs with some relief and looks over at Jackie. ROSE (CONT'D): She's three months gone. More Tylers on the way. THE DOCTOR: And what about you? Are you...? ROSE: Yeah, I'm... I'm back working in the shop. THE DOCTOR (nods): Oh, good for you. Rose laughs and for a moment it's just like old times. ROSE: Shut up. No, I'm not. There's still a Torchwood on this planet, it's open for business. (Tears up again). I think I know a thing or two about aliens. THE DOCTOR (so proud): Rose Tyler. Defender of the Earth. Another lingering look between the two of them. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You're dead, officially, back home. So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on a list of the dead. Rose begins to cry quietly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Here you are. (Smiles). Living a life day after day. The one adventure I can never have. ROSE (sobbing in earnest now): Am I ever gonna see you again? THE DOCTOR (quietly, and so, so sorry): You can't. ROSE: What're you gonna do? THE DOCTOR: Oh, I've got the TARDIS. Same old life. Last of the Time Lords. ROSE: On your own? The Doctor nods silently, still watching her with compassion. Rose surveys him, hopelessly heartbroken, tears falling thick and fast. ROSE (CONT'D): I lo... She chokes with tears before she can finish her sentence. She takes a moment to regain her composure, and then : ROSE (CONT'D): I love you. Another shuddering sob escapes her. The Doctor gazes at her with heart-rending tenderness and devotion. THE DOCTOR (softly): Quite right, too. Rose nods, smiling at him through her tears. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (gazing at her): And I suppose... if it's one last chance to say it... He pauses a moment, eyes locked with hers. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Rose Tyler... But their time is up. He fades away into nothingness. Rose is left alone. She screws up her face against the pain, sobbing into her hands. INT. TARDIS The Doctor stands alone in the TARDIS, eyes filled with tears which are spilling down his cheeks, his mouth already open to form the words he never got to say. He swallows hard, closing his eyes with a heavy heart. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY Rose turns back to her family, weeping inconsolably. Jackie, full of concern, runs across the beach to embrace her daughter. Rose buries her head in her mum's shoulder, utterly wretched. INT. TARDIS The Doctor rubs his hands over his eyes, wiping the tears away. He takes a deep breath and then turns his attention to the TARDIS console, pushing the buttons and levers as he walks slowly around it without any of his former enthusiasm. Suddenly, he looks up, eyes wide with shock. Standing by the door, with her back to him, is a bride. THE DOCTOR (aghast): What? The bride turns around to see him standing there. She yelps with surprise. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (even more confused): What?! BRIDE (disdainfully): Who are you? THE DOCTOR (looking around, dumbfounded): But... BRIDE: Where am I? THE DOCTOR: What?! BRIDE (yells): What the hell is this place? THE DOCTOR: What?!

The four Daleks, later identified as the Cult of Skaro , have brought a device known as the Genesis Ark through the breach and declare war on the Cybermen and the two races begin fighting worldwide. Meanwhile, the Doctor has discovered that Jake Simmonds, Pete Tyler, and Mickey - who masqueraded as a Torchwood employee and is with Rose and the Daleks - have been able to travel between the universes. The Cult of Skaro is keeping Rose and Mickey alive because they, being time travellers, would activate the Genesis Ark, which the Daleks are incapable of as it is stolen Time Lord technology. The Doctor plans to open the breach, which will pull in anyone who has crossed the Void including the Daleks, Cybermen, and Rose's family, and then close the breach. Rose refuses to reside in the parallel universe and stays to help the Doctor, but she is unable to hold on and becomes marooned in the parallel universe. The Doctor is able to transmit his image through one of the final breaches, and the two share a tearful goodbye before a mysterious woman in a wedding dress appears in the TARDIS .

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_06x20

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_06x20_0

Barney's Office Ted from 2030: Kids, as you know, I was designing Goliath National Bank's new headquarters on the site of this old hotel, The Arcadian. Problem was, some people didn't want The Arcadian torn down. Even bigger problem, they were led by my girlfriend Zoey. (Outside, Zoey and her supporters are protesting) Crowd: G-N-B is the e-ne-my! Zoey: (She sees Ted at the window) Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on! Hey, sweetie! Are we still on for dinner at 8:00 at Valenzisi's? That's great! I can't wait! Crowd: That's great. I can't wait! That's great. I can't wait! Ted from 2030: But somehow, Zoey and I were making it work. At the Bar Barney: Ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! I mean, Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the Roadrunner. Robin: Or maybe he was. Think about it. The way that she bats her eyelashes and shakes her tail feathers in his face? (chuckles) She wants it. Lily: Isn't it hard for you guys to be on opposite sides of something like this? Ted: Of course you feel that way, Lily. You and Marshall have basically melded into one big hermaphroditic blob. And that's fine for you guys. But some of us want a partner who challenges us to grow and evolve. Lily: You guys are in screaming matches all the time. Ted: Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Growing matches. Ted from 2030: It was true. Zoey and I loved to challenge each other. [FLASHBACKS] (Ted and Zoey are watching the TV) Ted: The main character is a young spoiled prince thrust into leadership after the death of his father. It's obviously a modern-day retelling of Henry IV! Zoey:Are you kidding me?! It's Don Quixote...the classic quest story with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant! Ted: Okay, clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy, we're watching two different movies. (Later, Ted is on the phone with Zoey) Ted: No, you hang up. Zoey: No, you hang up. Ted: No, you hang up. Zoey: No, you hang up. Ted: No, you hang up! (Later) No, you hang up. Zoey: No, you hang up. Ted: No, you... (His phone starts beeping) Hold on. (beep) Hello? Robin: For the love of God, will one of you idiots hang up the phone? Ted: Why would you do that?! Zoey:I-I thought you'd like it. Ted: Who likes that? Zoey:I like it. Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting. Ted: Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy. Lily: Marshall and I have been together 15 years, and the only debate we've had about Tommy Boy is whether it's awesome or super awesome. That's love, bitch. [OPENING CREDITS] Ted from 2030: Now around this time, Marshall had truly come to hate his job. He hated the paperwork. He hated the coffee. He hated the dirty jokes. He hated everything. At the Bar Marshall: I have to quit. Barney: Quit GNB?! Why? Marshall: I need to do better things with my life, okay? There's-There's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the National Resources Defense Council. Sure, it pays less, but I'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species... Barney: Saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup? Marshall, you can't pay your mortgage with Hacky Sacks and good vibes. Lily: Baby, you have my full support. Barney: Well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to Spain that you've been planning. (Barney snickers) Say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids. Robin:I don't think you know what Spain is. Barney: Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious lira. Ted: It's dinero. Barney: Where? I want his autograph! Ted from 2030: So Marshall walked in the next morning all ready to quit. But then something weird happened. Suddenly, he didn't hate the paperwork. He didn't hate the coffee. He didn't even hate the dirty jokes. Out of nowhere, Marshall actually liked GNB. Robin: It's graduation goggles. Marshall: What? Robin:Graduation goggles, like with high school. It's four years of bullies making fun of all the kids with braces, even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine. But then, on graduation day, you suddenly get all misty because you realize you're never going to see those jerks again. I just had graduation goggles with that guy Scooby I dated. Lily: The guy who was basically a dog? Robin:He was the worst kisser I've ever been with. But the moment I decided to dump him...I suddenly got kind of wistful. (as speaking to a dog): He was a good boy. Barney: Yeah. I've been there, too. Every time I'm done having s*x with a woman, at first,I never want to see her again. No, that's pretty much it. Robin:The point is, you can't trust graduation goggles. They're just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles, and that's-just-a-bulky, outdated-cell-phone in-his-front-pocket goggles. That one was a bummer. Marshall: You're right. Tomorrow, I'm quitting GNB. Barney: No! You can't quit tomorrow! The lady with the big nipples is coming back to give another sexual harassment seminar, and I bribed one of the maintenance guys to keep the room at a brisk 55 degrees! Lily: Baby, more than ever, you have my full support. (Lily and Marshall kisses) Zoey and Ted are in bed, in Ted's appartment / Lily and Marshall are in bed in their appartment / Barney is in bed with a girl in his appartment Ted: You know, sometimes I feel bad for Lily and Marshall. Lily: I'm starting to feel bad for Ted and Zoey. Barney: It starts with an... "L?" Girl: How can you not remember my name? Ted: It's like they never challenge each other. They just automatically agree all the time. Zoey: Well, they don't do that all the time. Ted:Yes, they do. Zoey: No, they don't. Ted:Yes, they do. It's like they... Lily and Marshall:... don't see eye-to-eye on anything! Totally. Girl: It rhymes with your name. Barney: And I said my name was...? At Lily and MArshall's appartment (Marshall comes in) Marshall: Baby, I did it! I quit. And then I walked right over to the NRDC, and I took that job. Lily: Oh, good for you, sweetie. Marshall: Yeah. It's a little less money than I was expecting. I mean, compared to what I was making at GNB, it's nothing. Actually compared to anything, it's nothing. It's nothing. The paid position just got filled, so all I can do is-is volunteer right now. You're cool with that, right? Lily: Baby, if this is what you need to do, we'll figure it out. How's Barney handling you leaving? In Barney's office (Barney is burning a photo of Marshall; Ted enters) Ted: Hey, Barney, there's a bunch of models in the lobby, and the gossip is one of them is really a dude. You want to play "Who's Hot and Who's Scott?" Barney: It's always the one in the turtleneck, Ted. And no, I don't want to play. Stupid Marshall-... ruined everything. Ted: Oh, come on. Everything's not ruined. (A man enters) Man: Guys, everything's ruined. Ted: What? Why? Man: Your girlfriend somehow got the Landmark Preservation Committee to agree to a hearing. If they declare the Arcadian a landmark, the whole project is dead. The good news is, I just got the phone number of a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck. (The man leaves the room) At the Bar Robin:...so, if the Landmarks Preservation Committee sides with Zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes? You must be furious. Ted: I'm furiously enjoying being challenged. Lily: Why don't you admit that your girlfriend challenging your every move is getting you a little murder-suicidey? Ted: Why don't you admit that Marshall quitting his job and taking an unpaid internship is killing you? Lily: It's not. Ted: Lily, the downside to having giant, Japanese anime eyes is that they're easy to read. And yours are screaming, "What about my trip to Spain, deadbeat?" Lily: Okay, Ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is, your feminine pout gives away your true feelings. And yours is saying, "Oh, Zoey, why can't I be on top just this once?" Ted: We take turns! Sometimes. (Marshall comes in) Marshall: Hey, guys. Thanks. Hey. I just had the best first day at the NRDC. (Barney starts laughing) Barney: I'm sorry. Sorry. Something Hershel said at work today. Robin: Hershel? Barney: What, don't you guys know Hershel? Didn't I tell you? Oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced Marshall at GNB. He is so awesome and funny and tall... taller than Marshall... and he knows way more laws. Lily: Well, I'm glad you like your new co-worker. Barney: There's no Hershel! I was just saying that to make you jealous! Why do you insist we play these games? Marshall: Barney, I'm not playing... Barney: Just come back to GNB already! Marshall: I'm really loving my new job. Lily: Oh, and I'm loving seeing you this happy. Marshall: I'm so glad to hear you say that because I volunteered our apartment for a big NRDC fund-raiser tomorrow night. You're-You're cool with that, right? Lily: Baby, you have my full support. Marshall: Thanks, baby. (phone chirps) Oh. Ooh, I gotta go. The invitations are ready. The party's for a bunch of environmentalists, so I found a guy downtown who makes biodegradable party invitations that can also be used as toilet paper. (Marshall leaves) Barney: That's how I'm gonna use mine. Robin: Why in the world do you care so much whether Marshall works at GNB? Barney: Care? I don't care. I'm like, whatever. Marshall who? He's stupid. Hershel's way better. Robin:Okay, Barney, is it possible that with everything that's gone on with your dad lately, you might have some unresolved abandonment issues you're transferring onto Marshall? Barney: Oh! Ugh! You are worse than my shrink. "Barney, we have to talk about your father." "Barney, I'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people. You'll only use it for evil." "Barney, I am not going to conduct a couples session "between you and this woman. She's obviously a prostitute." I don't need this! [SCENE_BREAK] At Ted's appartment (Lily arrives) Ted: Ah, Lily Aldrin, half of the world's most perfect couple! I was thinking about that woman's mouth comment, and I have three good comebacks. One: your mom didn't seem to mind it last night on her... Lily: Okay, look, Ted, I need a favor. Would you mind driving out to Kennedy with me to pick up this famous ecologist for Marshall's fund-raiser? Apparently, he only speaks Spanish. And you speak Spanish, right? (Ted says something in spanish) Perfect. Let's go. At Barney's office (Barney is on the phone with Marshall) Barney: Hey, Marshall, it's me. Listen, I know I've been kind of a jerk about your leaving GNB. I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry. No apologies necessary. We're good. Good. Um, hey, any chance you might maybe... I don't know... if you're not busy, uh, want to have lunch today? Marshall: Oh, buddy, I'd love to, but I can't. Barney: Oh, that's cool. No biggie. Another time. Robin: (Robin is standing at the door) Oh, my God! Barney: How long have you been there? Robin: You don't remember? [FLASHBACK] Robin: Hey. I was in the neighborhood. I just wanted to check in on you. You seemed, um, you seemed really upset the other day. Barney: Oh, no, I'm fine. Robin: Okay. Well, um, you want to go grab some lunch? Barney:Sure. Hey, are you okay if I invite Marshall to join us? Robin: Yeah. (Barney makes a call to Marshall) [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney:Right. So, um... Chinese? In Ted's car Ted: You know, just because Zoey and I are a different kind of couple than you and Marshall doesn't make us a worse couple. Lily: You're right. I-If you and Zoey are happy, then who am I to judge? I'm so sorry. Ted: Oh, my God, is that how support feels? It's so warm and wonderful. Oh, Lily, I've been so unhappy. Lily: But I thought you liked being challenged. Ted: Nobody likes being challenged! Couldn't she agree with me just once, even on something little, like... like what movie to see or-or what topping to get on our pizza or... oh, I don't know, my lifelong dream of building a skyscraper in New York City?! Lily: Well, in her defense, hamburger pizza, Ted? What are you, 12? Ted: You were right, Lily. I mean, Zoey's great, but... sometimes I do wish we were a little more like you and Marshall. There he is. Here we go. (Ted says some incomprehensible things in spanish) Man: I'm sorry. I don't speak... whatever it is you're speaking. Ted: Um, he speaks perfect English. Lily: Yeah, I-I know. Ted: Then why did you ask me to come? Lily: So you can drive him to the fund-raiser. Supporting Marshall this much is driving me crazy. I'm going to Spain-- my flight leaves in 45 minutes. Adios, muchacho. Ted: W-Wait, what do you mean you're going to Spain? Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear I'm gonna murder someone! Ted: What are you gonna tell Marshall, huh? And when are you coming back? Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through, and I don't intend to. All I know is that I'm a ticking time bomb, and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode! Ted: Wow, tha... that's an evocative metaphor to use for your nonthreatening, totally patriotic emotions. U.S.A.! Okay, Lily, I get it. Lily: Marshall's been asking a lot lately. Ted: But the thing to do is-is tell him you've had enough. Lily: I've never been good at that. And now, ever since his dad died, I-I feel like it's my job to just be fine with everything. But I'm not. I'm not fine that he volunteers our apartment for a giant fund-raiser and that he's not thinking about how we're gonna pay any of our bills and that, apparently, we've given up on trying to have kids. Ted: Lil... Lily: Look, I'm sorry, Ted, I just, I gotta do this. (Lily leaves) Man: My bag? Oh, no. I got it. At the Bar Barney: There's nothing to talk about. Robin: You trashed your office today. I mean, you obviously have some deep feelings you're not confronting. And I think they're about your dad. Barney: I don't want to talk about it, okay? Robin: Why not? Barney: Because I don't. And why am I explaining this to you? You're the most secretive person I know. You never tell anybody anything. Robin: I've never... told anyone this before. Um... I was 16. I was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, Andy Grenier. As things grew heated... I watched my father's hand slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. The sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. My dad and I got our stories straight. We walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. But sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... (quietly): ticking. Barney: That's... the most harrowing story I've ever heard. Is it true? Robin: No. But it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts. Barney: Fine! The reason I'm upset about Marshall leaving GNB is... is...the meatball sub. Robin: Huh? Barney: It all started months ago in the GNB commissary. It was Meatball Sub Day. [FLASHBACK] Barney: Oh, how I used to love Meatball Sub Day. And then, the most humiliating moment of my life. Marshall: Hey, buddy, I think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there. (Marshall and his co-workers start chuckling) Barney: I plotted my revenge for weeks. But nothing seemed right. Then it hit me. The answer was so elegant and simple-- an exploding meatball sub. For months, I experimented. More... marinara sauce. Finally, the sub was perfected. The plan was in place. The snare was baited. And then... [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney:...he quit, Robin, he quit! It's Meatball Sub Day today, which is why I wanted Marshall to come over and have lunch. But no. All that work wasted. (quiet sobbing) You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right? Robin: What is wrong with you? At Marshall's appartment Marshall: Hey, Professor Rodriguez, thank you so much for coming. Prof. Rodriguez: Oh, my pleasure. I have to use the restroom. Do you have some extra invitations? Marshall: Right over there. Enjoy. Hey. Hey, thanks for picking him up. Ted: Yeah, absolutely. Um, listen, something happened at the airport. Um... Marshall: What? Ted: Well, we got there, and, uh, Lily...(sighs) Lily... (Lily arrives) Lily: Marshall, hey. Sorry, I, uh, I had to park and-and grab some ice. Sorry. Marshall: Oh, thanks, babe. You would not believe how much this one has done to help throw this party, Ted. I don't know how she does it. Can't be easy, huh, Lil? Lily: Yeah. Listen, Marshall, I-I need to talk to you about something. Marshall: No, you know what? Me, too. Um... I want to thank you for being so supportive of me in all this. I've been at the NRDC for less than a week, and I've already done more to be proud of than in two years at GNB. I can't believe how good it feels. But now, it's time for me to find a way to help the Earth and get paid for it, because I can't put that burden entirely on you. So, starting tomorrow, I'll look for something with a paycheck. What do you think? Lily: Baby, you have my full support. (Marshall and Lily kiss;Ted notices Zoey at the other end of the room) Zoey: Ted. Ted: Hey! What are you doing here? Zoey: This is really important to Marshall, so I came to show my support. Ted: This you can be supportive of?! Zoey: What is that supposed to mean? Ted: I have the chance to build a skyscraper in the best city on Earth, and who's the one leading the charge to kill that dream? My girlfriend! Zoey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about my lifelong dream of not seeing every beautiful building in Manhattan bulldozed? Ted from 2030: And in that moment, I realized, though I really cared about Zoey, I couldn't do this for the next 50 years. I had to break up with her. But then... Kids, some couples always support each other, and some couples always challenge each other, but is one really better than the other? Yes. Support is better. Way better. But I'd have to learn that the hard way. [Ten years later; at Barney's] (Barney is in bed, looking very sick, Robin, Ted, MArshall and Lily are here) Lily: You're too young. This isn't fair. Marshall: We're not going anywhere, buddy. We're gonna stay here right till the end. Barney, weakly: Thank you, Marshall. (coughs weakly) Marshall... can I ask one final favor, my friend? Marshall: Yes, of course, of course... anything. Barney: Eat this meatball sub. Marshall: Wh-Where'd you get a meatball... Barney: I don't have much time! Marshall: Okay, yes, yes, of course. Of course. Does this have some sort of special meaning? (The sandwich explodes, throwing marina sauce all over Marshall; Barney leave his bed) Barney, with a mean laugh: I'm not sick, you idiots! I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce! Ted: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. (Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself)

Lily and Barney react badly when Marshall finally quits his job at Goliath National Bank to take a volunteer position at an environmental organization. Meanwhile, Ted and Zoey's opposing positions on the future of the Arcadia come between them.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_02x02

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_02x02_0

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The cemetery. Buffy is sitting on top of the gravestone of Stephan Korshak playing with her yo-yo. Buffy: C'mon, Stephan, rise and shine. Some of us have a ton of trig homework waiting. The camera cuts to her right and approaches her from behind. Angel: Hey. Buffy inhales a quick startled breath and turns around to face her stalker. Angel: Is this a bad time? Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel. Angel: I heard you were on the hunt. Buffy: I'm supposed to be, but... lazy bones here doesn't wanna come out and play. Angel: When you first wake up it's a little disorienting. He'll show. Buffy: It's weird to think of you going through that. Angel: It's weird to go through. So, uh, you're here alone? Buffy: Yeah! Why? Angel: I just thought you'd have somebody with you. Xander or someone. Buffy: Xander. Angel: Or someone. Buffy: Nope. (hops down off the gravestone) Why? Are you jealous? Angel: (chuckles) Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid. Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him? Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer. Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success. Angel: I am *not* jealous. Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous? Stephan has come out of the ground, and looks at them from behind his gravestone. Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing. Buffy: Well, I didn't come here to fight. The vampire lunges at her and knocks her into Angel. They fall to the ground, but Buffy quickly gets up. Buffy: Oh, right, I did. Stephan throws a few punches which Buffy easily blocks. She punches him in the face several times and kicks him in the jaw, sending him stumbling into a large adjacent gravestone. She looks around frantically. Buffy: Where's my stake? I-I know I had a stake! Angel: I didn't see a stake! The vampire grabs a shovel that was lying by the other gravestone and comes at them again. Angel attacks, but Stephan brings the shovel up and hits him in the side of the face, knocking him onto his back. He leaves Angel lying there and steps toward Buffy. She meets him and jumps over the shovel when Stephan swings it at her legs. He swings it at her again, but she catches it, hits him again and breaks the handle. She spins around with her half and jams the broken handle into his chest. He falls over backward and bursts into ashes as he hits the ground. Angel gets up holding the side of his head. Buffy: (out of breath) What do you mean he's just a kid? Does that mean I'm just a kid, too? Angel: Look, obviously I made a mistake coming here tonight. (turns and leaves) Buffy: Oh, no you don't. You can't just turn and walk away from me like that. (starts following him determinedly) It takes more than that to get rid of me. She falls into an open grave with an open and empty coffin at the bottom. Buffy: Oof! Uhhh... Angel comes over and bends down to look. Angel: You okay? Buffy: I'm fine. (sits up and exhales) Gee, I wish people wouldn't leave open graves laying around like this. (stands up slowly) Angel: So. Another vampire has risen tonight. She pokes her head out of the grave and looks across the grass. Buffy: I don't think so. Look at those tracks. Whoever was buried here didn't rise from this grave. She climbs out of the grave and finds a girl's shoe. Buffy: She was dragged from it. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Cut to the library. Buffy and Xander walk in and see Giles sitting in a chair and talking to another empty chair across from him. Giles: (clears his throat) W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement, um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable. Buffy and Xander stop and listen to him. Giles is displeased with himself. Giles: You idiot! Buffy: Boy... Giles is startled and quickly gets up and faces them. Buffy: I guess we never realized how much you like that chair. Giles: I-I-I was just working on... (knocks over a few books) Buffy: Your pickup lines? Giles: (bends down) Um, in a manner of speaking, yes. (picks up the books) Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood. Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on. (looks at Buffy) Buffy: (to Xander) I fear you. (goes to the table) You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um... Giles: England? Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.' Giles: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Cyrano. Buffy: I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?' Giles: About Mexicans? Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay. (sits at the table) Giles: Oh. Right. Xander: So this chair-woman. We are talking Ms. Calendar, right? Giles: W-what makes you think that? Xander: (sits) Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her. Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'. Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life? Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business. (starts up the stairs) Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen. Giles stops and looks back at him. Buffy laughs to herself. Giles: So, um, how did things go last night? Did Mr. Korshak show up on schedule? Buffy: More or less. Angel and I took care of him. Xander: Angel. Buffy: (gives Xander a look) There's something else, though. We found an empty grave. Giles: Another vampire? Buffy: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out. Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting. (comes back down to the table) Buffy: I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing. Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Damn it. Xander: So. Why does someone want to dig up graves? Giles: Well, I'll, uh, collect some theories. Uh, it would help if we knew who the body belonged to. Buffy: Meredith Todd. Ring a bell? Xander: No. Buffy: She died recently. She was our age. Xander: Drawin' a blank. Giles: Why don't we ask Willow to, uh, fire (indicates the PC) this thing up and, uh, track Meredith down? Cut to the halls. Sign-ups for the science fair are going on. Willow is writing in her entry. Eric comes up to her with a camera and points it at her. Eric: Smile! (takes her picture) Willow: Hey! He turns around and sees another girl. Eric: Oh, look at those legs! (goes to take her picture) Willow: No, thank you. Chris comes up behind Willow. Chris: Eric, will you knock it off? Eric looks at him, upset to have his fun spoiled. Willow: (smiles) Hey, Chris! Chris: Hey. He picks up a sign-up sheet. She watches what he's writing. He looks up at her. Willow: Oh, I, I was just wondering what you were gonna do this year. Chris: Why? Willow: 'Cause every year you win and I place second, so I just thought I'd see what I'm up against. Chris: You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands your experiment. (reads Willow's entry) 'The Effects of Sub-Violet Light Spectrum Deprivation on the Development of Fruit Flies'? (smirks) That should do the trick. Cordelia: (shows up and signs up) Okay, I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to. Willow: (reads) 'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable'? Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, alright? Eric flashes a picture of Cordelia. Cordelia: Stop it! What are you doing? (Eric takes another picture) We are under florescent light, for God's sake. Eric: The camera loves you! Cordelia: I didn't think yearbook nerds came out of hibernation till spring. Eric: (snaps another picture) It's for my private collection. (winks) Chris: Eric! Will you quit it? Buffy: Comin' through. Sorry. (Eric takes her picture) Uh, sorry to interrupt, Willow, but it's the Bat Signal. Willow: Okay, sure. See you later, Chris. Thanks for the tip. Chris: Okay. Cordelia watches them go. Eric raises his eyebrows at her. Cordelia: (disgusted) Uhhh! (leaves) Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us. Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive. Cut to the library. Willow sits down in front of the PC. Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place. Cordelia: (coming in) Hi. Sorry to interrupt your little undead playgroup, but I need to ask Willow if she'll help me with my science fair project. Willow: It's a fruit. Cordelia: I would've asked Chris to help me, but then that would've brought back too many memories of Daryl. Willow: I found it! Meredith Todd died in a car accident last week. Cordelia: Of course I have learned to deal with my pain. Buffy: How was her neck? Willow: Fine, except for being broken. Giles comes out of his office. Cordelia: Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please? Giles: There, there. He pats her on the shoulder and continues up into the stacks. Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game. Buffy: You know what this means. Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year? Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse. Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it? Xander: Okay, so we got a body snatcher. What does that mean? Giles: Uh, h-here's what I've come up with. Demons who eat the flesh of the dead to absorb their souls. Or, i-i-it could obviously be a, a voodoo practitioner. Willow: You mean making a zombie? Giles: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes a voodoo priest would require more than one. Buffy: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume. Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight? Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel? Buffy: I don't think so. Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh? Buffy: Angel and I have been, um... Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay? Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel? Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts? Xander: Me. Willow: Cordelia? Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled. Xander: Alright, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh? Cordelia huffs and leaves the library. Giles: Xander? Xander: Huh? Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living. Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face? Cut to the cemetery that night. Giles and Xander are digging while Buffy and Willow relax and watch. Buffy: I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it. Willow: Jealous of what? Buffy: Of Xander. Willow: Because you did that sexy dance with him? Buffy: Am I ever gonna live that down? Willow: No. (munches a doughnut) Buffy: Anyway, he was being totally irrational. Willow: Love makes you do the wacky. Buffy: That's the truth. Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too. Giles: Here, here. Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies. (to Willow) So, speaking of the wacky, what was Cordelia's whole riff about painful memories? Who's Daryl? Willow: Daryl Epps. Chris' older brother. He was a big football star. All-State two years ago. He was a running... He was a running... Uh, someone who runs and catches. Buffy: Was he a studly? Willow: Big time. All of the girls were crazy for him. Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence. Willow: He died. Rock climbing or something? He fell. Buffy: Man, that's lousy. Poor Chris. Willow: Ever since then Chris has been real quiet. Kind of in his own world. I heard their mother doesn't even leave the house anymore. Giles: I think we're there. Buffy and Willow get up and go over to the grave. Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body? Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons. Giles: Um, body would mean flesh-eating demon, no body would point towards the, uh, army of zombies thing. Take your pick, really. Right, then, uh... (to Xander) Go on. (indicates the casket) Xander: You're closer. Buffy: Pathetic much? (climbs down) Move over. She opens the casket. Cut to the school after cheerleading practice. The cheerleaders are heading home. Cordelia: Guys, if we don't get this down by tomorrow, no one's gonna be led by our cheers. Practice. Girl: Okay. See ya later. Cordelia continues on to her own car as the others get in theirs. They drive off before Cordelia reaches her car. She hears something by the fence and stops to look around. Cordelia: Hello? She continues to her car and starts to dig in her pack for her keys. She gets them out and runs the rest of the way to her car. She nervously fumbles with the lock. Cordelia: Xander Harris, if this is some kind of joke... She drops her keys and they roll under the car. She kneels down and reaches for them frantically. On the other side of her car she can see someone in black shoes approaching. She quickly gets up and starts to run. The man follows her. He walks past a dumpster. When he's gone the lid opens, and Cordelia checks to see if the coast is clear. She pushes the lid up all the way, then turns around again to hop out, but is startled by Angel. Angel: Cordelia. This is the last place I expected you to hang out. Cordelia: (quietly) Oh, God! God, it's you. Why were you following me? Angel: I wasn't sure it was you at first. I'm looking for Buffy. Cordelia: Buffy? Well, she's, uh... big shock, she's at the graveyard. Angel: She said she'd be home. Cordelia: Well, she lied. Isn't she a rascal? Well, you're in luck. It just so happens that my night is free. (tries to get out) Uh, hold on, my skirt is caught. She reaches behind her and gets her skirt loose. Cordelia: There. She picks up what was holding her skirt and sees it's a hand. She drops it and screams. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Xander can be heard outside in the hall. Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies. They come in through the doors. Willow: Is it an army if you just have three? Angel gets up from the table and faces them. Cordelia clings to his arm and gets up, too. Buffy: Zombie drill team then. Angel: You're back. Buffy: Angel! Angel: Xander. Xander: Angel. Angel: (to Buffy) I thought you were takin' the night off. Buffy: I, I was, um, but something came up. Angel: Cordelia told me the truth. Xander: (chuckles) That's gotta be a first. Giles: Um, as long as you're here, perhaps you could be of some help. Hmm? (to Buffy) Hmm? Buffy: We were investigating. Somebody's been digging up the bodies of dead girls. Angel: I know. We found some of them. Buffy: You mean, like, two of the three? Angel: I mean, like, some of them. Like parts. Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me? Xander: Karma! (coughs to cover it) Willow: So much for our zombie theory. Giles: So much for all our theories. Buffy: I don't get it. Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint. Angel: Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts. Buffy: Could this get yuckier? Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat. Buffy: Question answered. Giles: Why dispose of the remains five miles from the cemetery at a school, of all places? Buffy: Maybe because whoever did it had some business in the neighborhood. Like, say, classes? Giles: Oh. Ah. Angel: This was no hatchet job. Whoever made those incisions really knew what they were doing. Giles: (disbelieving) Yes, really. What student here is gonna be that well versed in physiology? Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me. Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night. (no response) He joked! (smiles) Buffy: Willow, why don't you get these guys' locker numbers so we can do some checking? Cordelia: No. I have to go home now. I have to take a bath and burn my clothes. Xander: (in mock disappointment) You have to go? Aw, too bad. Keep in touch. Buh-bye. Cordelia: I don't wanna go alone. I'm still fragile. (to Angel) Can you take me? Angel is in open-mouthed shock, and looks at Buffy. She gives him a stare of disapproval. Cordelia: Great! I'll drive? She leads the way out of the library as Angel gives Buffy another helpless look. Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire. Cut to Chris' house. His mother is sitting in front of the TV watching videos of Daryl's games. His trophy sits on top of the TV. Chris comes out of the basement. Chris: I'm going out, Mom. She doesn't even look up. She just blows out another lungful of cigarette smoke. Chris walks over to the front door. Chris: I'll be back later, okay? Mom? Still no response. She takes another drag from her cigarette. Chris lets out a sigh of frustration and leaves the house. On the video Daryl just scored a touchdown, and the team is holding him up high as the cheerleaders jump and wave their pompoms. Video: Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Daryl takes his helmet off and holds his fists up in the air, laughing and enjoying the moment. Cut to the halls at school. Xander is working a locker combination from a list. Giles comes down the other hall. Giles: You understand, in my capacity as school official, this search is completely unauthorized, and I, I cannot condone it. Buffy: Fine, your butt's covered. Wanna grab a locker? (hands him a sheet) Giles: Uh, yes, yes, of course. (takes the sheet) Buffy: (approaches a locker) Okay, Eric. Let's see what's on your annoying little mind. Willow: (at another locker) Nothing in here but back issues of Scientific American. Ooo, I haven't read this one! (starts to read) Giles: Nothing remarkable here. Xander: (opens one) Guys! They all go over to see. Xander: Your friend Chris Epps' locker. Willow: (reads off book titles) 'Grey's Anatomy', 'Mortician's Desk Reference', 'Robicheaux's Guide to Muscles and Tendons'. Giles reaches in and pulls out a newspaper folded open to a picture of the three cheerleaders. The title above the picture reads 'Tragic Accident Kills Three'. Giles: I think it's fair to say Chris is involved. Xander: He's into corpses alright, but we still don't know why. Buffy: Yes, we do. She opens Eric's locker door and shows them a collage of a woman made from parts of various pictures. Cut to Chris' basement. Eric sings while Chris works on a body. Eric: I guess you'll say / What can make me feel this way? / My girl / Talkin' 'bout my girl / My girl... How's my baby? Chris: She's not your baby. Eric: She's not gonna be anybody's baby if we don't finish her soon. Chris: I'm working on it. Eric: So am I, friend. So am I. He hangs up freshly developed pictures of Buffy, Willow and Cordelia to dry. Cut to the balcony. Buffy comes up to Willow and Xander sitting on the railing. Xander: Any sign of our suspects? Buffy: Not yet. I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl? Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love. Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this. Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. Willow gives Buffy a sad, knowing look. Xander: People want the dream. What they can't have. Willow looks over at Xander longingly. Buffy understands only too well. Xander: The more unattainable, the more attractive. Willow hops down from her perch. Willow: And for Eric the unattainable would include everyone. That's alive. She walks around Xander to head down the stairs. Buffy joins her. Buffy: Uh, Eric's sick enough to do something like this, but what about Chris? He seems like a human person. Xander follows them. Willow: I dunno. That thing with his brother was really hard on him. And he talked about death a lot. Maybe he just wanted to get one-up on it. Buffy: But it's not doable. I mean, making someone from scraps, actually making them live. Willow: If it is, my science project's definitely coming in second this year. Xander: (spots Giles) And speaking of love... Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue. Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues? Buffy: (to Giles) Hey. Giles: (distracted) Oh! Yes. Hello. Buffy: Still no sign of our mad doctors? Giles: What? Oh! Uh, corpses, yes. Evil. Huh. Very good. They see Jenny stop and talk to a student. Jenny: Did you bring it? (the student shakes his head) Tomorrow. Student: I forgot it. Giles: Very, very good. Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, 'I feel a thing, you feel a thing...' But personalize it. Giles: Personalize it? Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop. (starts to leave) Have fun. Willow and Xander smile. Willow pats him on the shoulder and goes too. Giles: What? Oh! Don't... Xander: Best of luck. (follows the girls) Giles: ...leave? Jenny: (walks by) Good morning, Rupert. (continues without stopping) Giles: Uh, Ms. Calendar? Jenny: (looks at him but keeps going) Oh, no, please call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar's my father. Giles: (follows) Jenny, then. Cut inside the halls. They walk together. Giles: You know, uh, Jenny, um... Jenny: Hmm? Giles: Would it a-appear indecorous... Uh, no, not in-in-indecorous, um... Jenny: Yeah...? Giles: Well, um... Wha... (exhales) Ah, ah, um... Jenny: Rupert, look, I've gotta get inside and set up the lab. Giles: What, what I'm proposing is... The bell rings. Jenny: Ah! I gotta go! Sorry! (goes into her room) Giles: (to himself) You idiot! Jenny: (sticks her head back out) Hey! Listen, if it's important, why don't you just tell me at the game? Giles: Game? Oh, uh, you're going to the football game? Jenny: Yeah, you seem surprised. (smiles) Giles: No! No, I-I-I-I-I-I just assumed that you, you, you spent your evenings downloading incantations and, and, and casting bones. Jenny: On game night? Are you nuts? You're going, too, right? Giles: Oh, of course. Always, always do. Jenny: So, we should just go together! Look, I could pick you up after school, and we'll grab a bite to eat on the way if you like. How do you feel about Mexican? Giles nods. Jenny: Good! Okay! And whatever it is you wanna tell me, you can just tell me then. Okay? Giles: Okay! Tonight, then. Jenny smiles and goes back into her classroom. Giles: (to himself) That went well. I think. Cut to the science classroom. Willow is looking through a book. Willow: I still don't get how Chris could do it. I mean, arresting the cell deterioration is one thing, but... Xander: Hello! (holds up a visible head) I wanna get ahead. Willow: (exhales) Maybe an electrical current combined with an adrenaline boost. Xander: For the love of God, can somebody scratch my nose? Buffy: (comes into the room) Well, it's official. Chris and Eric didn't come to school today. Xander: That's no coincidence. Willow: Maybe they finished their project. Buffy: God! What if it worked? What, what if that poor girl is walking around? Xander: Poor girls, technically. Buffy: What could she be thinking? Willow: And what are they gonna do with her? Giles: (comes in also) I don't think we need to worry about that just yet. I spoke to a press person this morning about the remains. The police have finished sorting through them, and apparently they found three heads in the dumpster. Buffy: They only had three girls. Giles: Precisely. Willow: So, they don't have the whole, uh, package? Xander: Heads must be no good. Huh. I found 'em attractive enough. (gets looks from the girls) Well, obviously I'm not as sick as Chris and Eric. Giles: Based on what the police have put together, I would say they're one step short of completing their masterpiece. Willow: One step. The camera pans around the visible head. Cut to Chris' basement. Eric: We're running out of time. If we wait too long, the onset of atrophy in the limbs will be irreversible. Chris: We can turn up the current. That'll buy us a day, at least. Eric: We will lose the entire body if we don't attach a head soon. Chris: We have time. Eric: We don't! The crash with the girls was lucky. But we can't just keep waiting around for another lucky accident to drop a head in our laps. You know what we have to do. Hell, it's just one lousy girl. Chris: I won't do it. I... I can't... kill anyone. (turns to the shadows) Please! Understand. I... I can't do that! Please don't make me. Daryl: But you gave me your word. You promised me, little brother. (comes into the light) That I wouldn't be alone. His face is discolored and criss-crossed with stitches. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Chris' basement. Eric: The body is perfect. And if we harvest a head tonight, she'll be ready by sunrise. Daryl: When you brought me back you promised you'd take care of me. I need this, Chris. I need someone. Chris: Please don't ask me to do this. Don't ask me to take a life. Eric: I tried to tell him. If you take a life in order to make a life, the whole thing is a wash. No harm, no foul. Chris: Maybe you could... you could go out... Daryl: No! Chris: Let people know. Daryl: They can't see me. Chris, you've always been smarter than me. You were always the brains. You're the only one who can help me now. Third and long, seconds to go. Where do you throw? Where do you throw? Chris: Number five. Daryl's gonna drive. Daryl: Help me, brother. Chris nods. Daryl hugs him. Daryl: Thank you. (to Eric) Show me! Eric shows Daryl the pictures. Daryl: (points) This one. Eric: Ha, ha. A man of taste. He grabs a pair of scissors and cuts around Cordelia's hair. Eric: (sings) My girl / Talkin' 'bout my girl / My girl He snips her head off. Cut to the library. Willow: I checked the obits. Nothing that would make for a likely candidate. Xander: They seem kinda picky for guys who had three heads to begin with. Willow: Formaldehyde. Giles: Formaldehyde. Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, it accelerates neural decay in the brain cells. Willow: After a couple days they're useless. They're gonna need something really fresh. Buffy: How fresh? Willow: As fresh as possible. Buffy, you don't think that they would... Buffy: I think anybody who cuts dead girls into little pieces does not get the benefit of any doubt. I wanna end this thing now. Giles: I second that. Buffy: Okay, fine. You guys go to Eric's, we can go to Chris', and meet up. Giles: (remembering) Oh! I'm supposed to be at the big game, I-I believe it's called. Buffy: Fine. Go ahead. We'll take care of this. Giles: Well, yes, but shouldn't I, I-I, um... Buffy: Okay, then why don't, uh, we all meet there? Giles: Fine. Yes. Willow: Buffy? Don't be too hard on Chris. I mean, he's not a vampire. Buffy: No. He's just a ghoul. They leave the library. Cut to Chris' house. His mother answers the door for Buffy. Buffy: Hi. Um, I'm a friend of Chris'. I kinda need to talk to him. Uh, do you know if he's home? Chris' Mom goes back inside and sits down again. Buffy comes in and closes the door. Buffy: So, is he home? Mrs. Epps: Westbury game. November 17, '95. Daryl rushed 185 yards that night. Four TD's. He was MVP, and he made All-City that season. Buffy: Yeah, that was a great one. Um, but is Chris home? Mrs. Epps: I dunno. Is today a school day? Oh, watch! Watch this move! Daryl takes a kickoff, he sheds one, two, three defenders, and he breaks into the open field for a ninety-five yard touchdown! Buffy sees the basement door with its 'Keep Out' and 'No Admittance' signs. Mrs. Epps: He woulda been nineteen next week. Buffy goes over to the basement door and opens it. She quietly makes her way down the stairs. She looks around a bit, and then goes over to the table. There she finds the pictures of herself and Willow. She also finds the plans for the body with Cordelia's face pasted on top. Buffy: (whispers) Cordelia! Daryl sneaks up behind her, but the door opens and they both look up. Buffy quickly hops over to the open basement window and climbs out. Daryl watches her go. Cut to the girls' locker room. Cordelia is putting on her lip-gloss. Joy, the cheerleading squad leader, walks by with Lisa. Joy: Cordelia. You coming? Cordelia: Yeah, I'll be right out. She finishes putting on her lip-gloss and sees Chris appear behind her in the mirror. She's startled and turns to face him. Cordelia: Oh, God! Chris, you scared me. What are you doing in here? He looks down and away from her. Cordelia: Is something wrong? She screams as Eric pulls a bag over her head and drags her off. Chris just looks away. Cut to a hall. Buffy comes around a corner and sees Joy and Lisa coming down the stairs. Buffy: Joy! Lisa! Where's Cordelia? Joy: Cordelia has a game to think about. She doesn't need losers like you. (tries to go) Buffy: (blocks her way) I'm sorry, what did you say? Cut to the locker room. Eric has Cordelia on the floor, trying to tie her hands. Buffy comes running down the adjoining hall and stops to look into the locker room. Eric sees her and gets up to defend himself. Buffy comes running in and jump kicks him, knocking him down. She crouches down and pulls the bag off of Cordelia's head. Buffy: Are you okay? Cordelia: Oh my God, Buffy! Eric gets up and runs away. Buffy: Don't worry, he's gone. Cordelia: I was on my way down to the field when Chris came in, and all of a sudden someone jumped me. Buffy: Shh! Quiet down. Relax. Take it easy. Cordelia: (hears music) That's the fight song. Oh my God, it's time for the cheerleader pyramid at mid-field. I've gotta go. Buffy: Well, are you sure you're okay to go out there? Cordelia: Yeah, you don't understand, I *have* to go. I'm the apex! (runs out) Buffy hears a noise and looks around. Buffy: Chris? (walks slowly) I know what you're trying to do. You and Eric. I know about the bodies from the cemetery. But you haven't hurt anyone yet. (Chris steps out into the open) Look, I know what it's like to lose someone that you're close to. But that's no excuse. What you're doing is wrong. Chris: I have to do this for him. He needs someone. Buffy: Who, Eric? He needs industrial strength therapy! Chris: He always looked out for me. Stood up for me. He's all alone. Everybody loved him. And now he's all alone. Buffy: Who are you talking... (realizes) Oh my God! Cut to Chris' basement. Daryl is trashing the place. Daryl: (yelling) You promised me! You promised I wouldn't have to be alone! Eric: It's not too late. Daryl comes over to him and lifts him by the shirt. Eric: Nothing's changed! We can still do this! You and me. Your brother's not the only one who can create life. Whadaya say? Daryl sets him down. Eric takes a few deep breaths. Eric: Let's go scare you up a date. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Chris' Basement. Buffy and Chris come in and quickly descend the stairs. Buffy: Daryl! Daryl? Daryl! She takes a quick look around. Buffy: He's not here. Where else could he be? Chris: But he would never go out. U-unless... Buffy: He's gonna pick up where you left off. She makes quick strides to get out of the basement and over to the game. After a moment's hesitation Chris follows her. Cut to the game. Cordelia is doing a cheer with the squad. Squad: Go, Razorbacks, go! Go, team, go! Go, Razorbacks, go! Go, team, go! On the field the ball is snapped, thrown, caught and run in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild. Cut to Jenny and Giles coming from the refreshment stand. His arms are full of snacks and drinks. Jenny: I don't know what it is about football that does it for me. I mean, it lacks the, the grace of basketball, the, uh, poetry of baseball. At its best it's unadorned aggression. It's such a rugged contest. Giles: Rugged. American football. (laughs) They climb into the stands. Jenny: And that's funny because? Giles: No! (laughs) I just think it's rather odd (they sit) that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby. Jenny: Is this your normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime? Giles: Did you just say 'date'? Jenny: You noticed that, huh? Willow: Hi, Ms. Calendar! Hi, Giles. Jenny: Hey, guys. What's up? Willow: Eric's was a bust. Nothing there. Xander: Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious it even scared me. Willow: Did Buffy get back yet? Giles: No, uh, no. Uh, perhaps you should, uh, circulate nearer the field, see what you can find. Willow and Xander slip under the railing and sit in front of Giles and Jenny. Xander reaches back and takes Giles' popcorn. Xander: So, what's the score? Giles and Jenny are unhappy about them sitting right there. Cut to a view of the field from behind the spectators. The teams are getting in position for the next play. The ball is snapped. Cut under the stands. Daryl is crawling along, looking for Cordelia. He sees the action on the field and stops a moment to watch and remember. A player on the field gets tackled, but has gained several yards and gets high- fives from his teammates. Daryl lowers his eyes a moment, then notices Cordelia. She takes a break from cheerleading and walks over to the coolers next to the bleachers for a drink. Daryl comes up behind her as she drinks and grabs her. She screams, but her yell is drowned out by the crowd cheering another touchdown. The other cheerleaders jump and wave their pompoms. On the field the players help the scoring team member up and pat him on the back. Buffy and Chris arrive by the bleachers. Buffy: I don't see her. Do you? Chris: No. Buffy lets out a frustrated breath. Cut to the old science lab at the school. Cordelia has been blindfolded and is being tied to a gurney. Cordelia: Please, what's going on? Just take off the blindfold. I promise I won't scream! I promise! Daryl lifts the sheet from the headless body they've constructed. Daryl: She's beautiful! Eric: No! It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. Daryl puts the sheet back down and goes over to Cordelia. Cordelia: Please? Just take off the blindfold! I promise I won't scream! I promise! Daryl: Cordelia? He takes off her blindfold. She takes one look at him and screams at the top of her lungs. Eric: You can scream all you want. We're in an abandoned building. Cordelia screams for help at an even higher pitch. Eric holds up a pan and threatens to hit her with it. Eric: Okay, that's enough. Cordelia stops her screaming, and Eric puts the pan back down. Daryl: You were always good to me. Always noticed me. But I ignored you. I'm sorry. I'm glad I have a second chance to tell you that. Cordelia: D-Daryl? Daryl: I was thoughtless. I see that now. But I've changed. I've learned to appreciate how much it meant that you wanted to be with me. Eric: We're ready. Cordelia: Ready? Ready for what? Eric: You're gonna feel a little pinch, maybe some discomfort around the neck area. But don't worry. When you wake up, you'll have the body of a seventeen-year-old. In fact, you'll have the body of several. He lifts the sheet, and Cordelia lets out a very intense scream when she sees the body. Cut back to the game. Buffy walks over to the cooler and finds Cordelia's pompoms. Buffy: He was here, Chris. Where did he take her? Chris: To the rest of the body. To the lab. Buffy: Where is that? Chris: I promised him that I... Buffy: Look, he'll kill Cordelia! You can't just give and take lives like that. It's not your job. Chris: He's in the old science lab. Everything's set up there. Buffy: Thank you. Now find Xander and Willow and tell them what's going on. She leaves quickly for the lab. Chris goes to find the others. Cut to the lab. Eric is pouring gasoline into a sink. Cordelia: (frightened) Daryl, please. You don't have to do this. Daryl: We have to. So we can be together. Cordelia: We'll be together anyway! I'll be with you, I promise! Daryl: Is that right? Cordelia: Mm hm! Daryl: You see anything you like? He goes over to the other body and lifts the sheet. Daryl: And when you're finished you won't go out. You won't run away. But we can hide together. Cordelia: (very frightened) Please! Please! Eric holds a knife into a flame a moment, and then comes over to her. Eric: Sterile enough for government work. He bends over Cordelia to begin the procedure. Cordelia: No! No, please! There is a loud pounding on the door. It breaks open and Buffy comes in. Eric turns around, sees her and throws the knife at her. She catches it in midair. Cordelia: Buffy, help me! Eric runs away. Buffy: Daryl, listen. I know what you're doing, okay? Your brother sent me to stop you. Daryl: He wouldn't do that. My brother loves me. Cordelia: Buffy, they're crazy! Buffy: It's okay, Cordelia. I'm gonna get you outta here. Daryl: No, I'm not done with her yet! He turns to the instrument tray and fumbles around for something. He grabs a cleaver. Daryl: I'm not finished! He takes the cleaver back to Cordelia and tries to start hacking at her neck. Buffy rushes over, grabs Daryl's arm, knocks the cleaver away and punches him in the face. She scrambles around the table to continue the fight, but Daryl punches her hard in the face. He grabs her, slams her head into the instrument tray and throws her over Cordelia and onto the floor. Daryl: I won't live alone! He pushes Cordelia's gurney aside, and it knocks over the can of gasoline. The gas starts pouring out onto the floor. Eric: I'm getting out of here! Daryl: (grabs Eric by the shirt) You have to help me! Eric: Let go! Daryl throws Eric aside and faces Buffy again. Eric slides into a barrel with his head and gets knocked out. Daryl comes at Buffy. She kicks him in the knee, making him collapse to the floor. She kicks him again in the gut as he tries to get up. He tries to get up again, and she kicks him in the face. He's not fazed, gets up and tries to swing at her. She ducks it. He tries again, and she ducks again and kicks him in the chest, sending him staggering backward and knocking the Bunsen burner to the floor, igniting the gasoline. Xander shows up. Xander: Buffy! Buffy: Get Cordelia! Cordelia: Xander! Xander runs over to Cordelia and tries to untie her. Cordelia: Get me out of here! Daryl grabs hold of Buffy and flips her over onto the floor. As she gets up he grabs a canister and throws it at her. She ducks it. The flames around Cordelia and Xander are starting to get higher. Buffy kicks Daryl twice in the side. Cordelia: C'mon! C'mon! Get it off! Daryl grabs Buffy again, lifts her and holds on to her while she struggles to free herself. Xander is getting nowhere with Cordelia's bindings and tries to find a knife. Cordelia: Get it off! Get me outta here! C'mon! Buffy continues to struggle in Daryl's grip. Giles and Willow show up. Xander gives up looking and decides to just wheel Cordelia out. Willow and Giles spot Eric, pick him up and get him out. Xander gives the gurney a good shove, hops on and they roll through the flames while Cordelia screams. He hops off, and Jenny helps him stop the gurney. They get Cordelia loose. Buffy hits Daryl in the neck, and he lets go of her. She tries to kick him again, but he grabs her leg, lifts her up and throws her to the floor. Buffy is stunned and lies there while Daryl grabs a desk and raises it over his head. Chris: Daryl! Daryl looks behind him and sees his brother there. Chris: Don't! Daryl looks back at Buffy and then notices the body surrounded by flames. He tosses the desk aside and rushes over to it. Daryl: She's mine! Chris: Daryl! Buffy gets up and stops Chris from running into the flames after Daryl. Chris: Daryl! Jenny watches, stunned as Giles comes back into the room behind her and looks on as well. Daryl: No. We'll be together always. No! Mine! The flames engulf Daryl and his bride-to-be. Cut outside. There are fire engines and police all over. The camera pans down from above over to Chris and Buffy. Chris: The first time he woke up after... He said I shouldn'ta brought him back. I-I was just... tryin' to look out for him. Like... he woulda done for me. Angel: (suddenly shows up) I saw the fire. I figured you'd be here. Is everyone okay? Buffy: Yeah. We're okay. Cut to Giles walking up to Jenny. He hands her a cup of coffee. Giles: Sorry about all this. Jenny: It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second date. Giles: Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night. (pauses and considers) Did you just say 'second date'? Jenny: You noticed that, huh? (smiles) Giles smiles back and takes a sip of his coffee. Cut to Willow and Xander. Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair? Willow: All the time. Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to... Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves. Xander: So where were we? Willow: Wondering why we never get dates. Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is? Cut to the cemetery. Angel and Buffy are strolling through. Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. Well, at the same time, I mean... he did do it all for his brother. Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge. Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky. Angel: What? Buffy: Crazy stuff. Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior? Buffy: Are you fessing up? Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little. Buffy: I don't love Xander. Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight. Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light. Angel: It'll be morning soon. Buffy: I should probably go. I could walk you home. They look at each

Bodies of girls killed in traffic accidents are being dug from their graves. The culprits are two science students, Chris and Eric, using pieces of the girls to create a bride for Chris' monstrous brother, Daryl. The only thing the young monsters need now is Cordy's head-can the Scooby Gang members arrive in time to save her?

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fd_Gilmore_Girls_02x10_0

2.10 - The Bracebridge Dinner OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are building a snowman in the center of town.] LORELAI: How do you like that mouth? RORY: Um, it's not very mouthlike. LORELAI: Oh, I think it works. RORY: It's tilted to the side. LORELAI: Yeah, no, it was intentional. It gives her a unique expression. RORY: Like she had a stroke? LORELAI: Fine, I'll just use the Mrs. Potato Head lips. RORY: No, forget it, leave stroke-mouth. It's not like we're gonna win this anyway. LORELAI: Whoa, bad attitude. RORY: Mom, face it. That is the single most incredible snowman I have ever seen. [looks at a man working on an elaborate snow sculpture] LORELAI: I'm sorry, that snowman is way over the top, way too showy. It's screaming 'I'm incredible, I'm special, look at me.' RORY: Kind of the point of a snowman-building contest. LORELAI: Hmm, I hate this man with every fiber of my being. RORY: He looks nice. LORELAI: He's a ringer. RORY: How do you figure? LORELAI: Someone recruited him, promised him a handsome sum, financed his theatrical snowman accoutrements, so he could snatch victory away from a deserving local in order to bag the contest prize for himself. RORY: Seems a little elaborate considering that the prize is a set of new US quarters. LORELAI: Oh, we're ignoring him now. So, what are we gonna do on your school break? RORY: A lot of nothing. LORELAI: Sounds good. RORY: Plus some homework. LORELAI: And a lot of movies. RORY: Oh, we have to rent Godfather 3 on DVD. LORELAI: You're kidding. RORY: In the audio commentary, Coppola actually defends casting Sofia. LORELAI: Now that is fatherly love. What's all this homework you have to do? RORY: Just stuff for the paper. LORELAI: What? Why? RORY: Because Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue, so we have to prep over break and she says the news never sleeps. LORELAI: What about Paris, does she ever sleep? RORY: I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down. LORELAI: Well, you can't work the whole time. RORY: I won't, I promise. Oh my God. LORELAI: What? RORY: He's power buffing. LORELAI: Aw, now that is just wrong. RORY: We're competing against the Michelangelo of snow. LORELAI: And we're Ernest Builds a Snowman. RORY: We shouldn't look at him anymore. LORELAI: Heads down, stay focused. RORY: We can do this. LORELAI: Absolutely. [their snowman's head falls off] RORY: Let's get some coffee? LORELAI: Right behind you. OPENING CREDITS CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Michel is at the front desk on the phone. In the background, Rune is jumping up and down trying to dust a picture frame.] MICHEL: [oh phone] Yes, you can rent a car in Manhattan and return it in Hartford. That's that's no problem, sir. Yes. Yes, you can return it to Bradley International. That's that's very convenient. Or you you can um, you - hold please. [puts phone down, walks over to Rune and grabs his arm] RUNE: Ah! MICHEL: Stop that. RUNE: Stop what? MICHEL: Stop jumping like a Mexican bean. RUNE: Well, Lorelai asked me to dust the picture frames. How do you suggest that I clean the top, smartie? [Michel takes the picture off the wall] Well, I didn't know that you could do that. MICHEL: Yes, I am miraculously talented, aren't I? RUNE: I thought an alarm would go off like in The Thomas Crown Affair. MICHEL: That would be if this was a museum, and you were a man allowed in museums. LORELAI: Hey, no bickering in the lobby, guys. RUNE: Where are we allowed to bicker? CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN SOOKIE: You've got all the mushrooms? You double checked? JACKSON: I've triple checked. I've quadruple checked. SOOKIE: The shitake, the nameko, the chanterelle? JACKSON: Once again, I've got it all. SOOKIE: The matsutake? The makeniya? JACKSON: Uh wait. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: I don't have makeniya. SOOKIE: You don't have makeniya? JACKSON: I don't have makeniya. SOOKIE: I made it up. [giggles] You passed the test. JACKSON: Don't test me. [Lorelai walks in the kitchen] LORELAI: Hey, the auditions are starting. You wanna come watch? SOOKIE: Ooh, yes! JACKSON: Auditions for what? SOOKIE: Musicians. LORELAI: For the Bracebridge Dinner. JACKSON: Geez, you guys are going crazy with this dinner. SOOKIE: Jackson, I told you, this dinner is not just about food. We are recreating an authentic 19th century meal. LORELAI: The servers are all gonna be in period clothing, they're gonna speak period English. Here, look at the costumes. JACKSON: Nice. SOOKIE: We're talking seven courses here. Soup, fish, Peacock Pie, the Baron of Beef, the salad, then the Plum Pudding and the Wassail. LORELAI: And there's gonna be a big raised platform where the Squire of Bracebridge is going to preside over the festivities. SOOKIE: Yeah, he tastes the foods and makes pronouncements. He's like the host of the evening, and his costume is the coolest. LORELAI: Ah. JACKSON: It all sounds great. SOOKIE: Oh, it is, it is. By the way, you're playing Squire Bracebridge. Ready? LORELAI: Let's go. SOOKIE: Yeah. [they leave] JACKSON: Huh? What was that? CUT TO LOBBY SOOKIE: What are we looking at today? LORELAI: Okay, this is the last on our list. We've already got our trumpets, our madrigal singers JACKSON: Uh, sorry to interrupt but I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. LORELAI: We've got all our servers lined up. This is just for recorder players and harpists. Hi. Uh, lay some on us guys. [two recorder players play] SOOKIE: Hey, you cats really know how to blow those things. LORELAI: You've got the gig. I will call you later with the details. Thanks. [the recorder players leave] JACKSON: So are we clear on this? I'm not playing Squire Bracebridge. Sorry you were under the impression that I'd do this. SOOKIE: When do the guests arrive? LORELAI: Thursday at four - on their own jet. SOOKIE: After buying out the whole inn. LORELAI: Must be nice to have money. SOOKIE: Uh! Hey, you know what struck me today? JACKSON: Was it the fact that I'm not the Squire - did that strike you? SOOKIE: We are crazy for doing this. LORELAI: We're beyond crazy. We are 'Anne Heche speaking her secret language to God and looking for the spaceship in Fresno' crazy. SOOKIE: Oh Quiness, nokka don atta. LORELAI: Il ek notra doska donne. JACKSON: And springing this on me at the last minute too, I mean, that's just manipulative. [a chef comes out of the kitchen] CHEF: Sookie, fire! [leaves] SOOKIE: I gotta get back in the kitchen. You'll handle the harp? LORELAI: You got it. JACKSON: All right, okay, I'll do it. I'll play Squire Bracebridge if that's what you want. Geez. SOOKIE: Thanks Sweetie. [walks to kitchen] JACKSON: As long as it's not just because I fit the costume. It's because I fit the costume, isn't it? [leaves] LORELAI: [to harpist] Go ahead. [Lorelai's cell phone rings while the harpist is playing] LORELAI: [answers phone] Hi, it's Lorelai. CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lor, it's me. LORELAI: Oh, hi Chris, how are you? CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. You, uh, got a minute? LORELAI: Uh oh. CHRISTOPHER: It's not an uh oh, I just wanted to run an idea by you. LORELAI: Run it. CHRISTOPHER: Now it's totally your call and I don't want to step on any plans you've already made, but I know Rory has a break in school coming up, and I was wondering if you'd be cool with her coming to visit for a couple of days. LORELAI: Uhh, a couple of days? You mean she'd stay the night? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, it's totally your call. Where are you, heaven? LORELAI: Do you even have room for someone to stay? CHRISTOPHER: Not just room - a room. A designated guest room. Sherry fixed it up really nice. LORELAI: Aww, good for her. CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think? LORELAI: I don't know. It's awfully last minute. CHRISTOPHER: It's totally last minute. You can say no and there'll be no hard feelings. LORELAI: Well, it's really up to Rory to say yes or no. CHRISTOPHER: So you're cool with it? LORELAI: Yeah, sure, if Rory is, yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Great, that's great. Uh, thank you. I'll let you run it past her and you can get back to me whenever. No pressure. LORELAI: No pressure. CHRISTOPHER: Talk to you later. LORELAI: Yeah, talk to you later. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily, Richard, Lorelai and Rory are eating dinner silently. Rory get Lorelai's attention and gestures for her to say something.] LORELAI: So what are your travel plans Dad? RICHARD: Hmm? LORELAI: You and mom, you always go out of town this time of year. RORY: Last year it was the Bahamas. RICHARD: Yes, that's right, it was. LORELAI: I remember you had fun too. You said the Bahama mians were real nice. The Bahamites? The Bahamamamamians? RORY: The Bahamians. LORELAI: Yes. They were nice. EMILY: They were nice. LORELAI: So, what are your plans? EMILY: We're not going anywhere this year. RORY: Why not? Oh, well yeah, it can be really nice just to stay at home sometimes because you can do fun things that you normally wouldn't have time for. LORELAI: Yeah, like play Running Charades, and get out that Slip 'n Slide. RICHARD: We'll see. EMILY: Yes, we'll see. RICHARD: Would you all excuse me? I have to make some calls. Say goodbye before you leave, will you? LORELAI: Yeah, sure Dad. [Richard leaves] LORELAI: When is this awfulness with work gonna resolve itself? EMILY: I don't know. The man is so sensitive. He reads so much into every little perceived slight. LORELAI: Yeah. I remember one time when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight, and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up. And he wore it for us and he said, 'How do I look?' and I said, 'You look fat.' [pause] But I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight so, I'll think of another example. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY [Sookie is lecturing to a group of people; Kirk is transcribing everything she says on his laptop.] SOOKIE: Keep in mind during the Bracebridge Dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers, so any time you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do Kirk, you're driving me crazy! KIRK: Who me? [reads transcript] 'Whatever we can do to Kirk you're driving me crazy.' Yeah, me. Ah, sorry. SOOKIE: Okay, now guys, look at the materials I gave you, and tell me if a guest asks you how the food's coming, what would be the appropriate Old English response? Rune! RUNE: Greetings! SOOKIE: You just read the first thing on the list, didn't you? RUNE: Maybe. SOOKIE: Guys, the correct response: Ah, oven's day with baked meat choke! RUNE: Question? SOOKIE: Yeah? RUNE: What color dress will I be wearing when I say this? JACKSON: Rune, don't be an idiot. RUNE: Well, this is stupid. JACKSON: Shut up and pay attention to Sookie. She worked very hard to bring this about. KIRK: Yes, but unfortunately we don't all share intimacies with her, so she doesn't cut us any slack. JACKSON: She doesn't treat me differently. KIRK: She's called you Peaches three times. It's all in the transcript. RUNE: Sookie, instead of talking in Old English, can I just talk like an old man? SOOKIE: What? RUNE: Hey you kids, get off my lawn! SOOKIE: No, no you cannot just talk like an old man. [Lorelai walks into the lobby] SOOKIE: Hi, honey, what's the matter? LORELAI: They're snowed in. SOOKIE: Who's snowed in? LORELAI: The Bracebridge group. They're stuck in Chicago. The dinner's off. SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: I'm gonna cry. LORELAI: I offered to fund the instant invention of a molecular transport device but they just didn't go for it. SOOKIE: Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad! RUNE: Sookie, does this mean that my pockets wileth not with money get choked? That sounded like Old English. Cool, huh? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai, Sookie, and Rory are sitting at a table] SOOKIE: I've got thirty pounds of aged beef, trays and trays of trout, mountains of pruned tarts. I diced pumpkins until my hands turned orange. I've got pumpkin hands. LORELAI: Take a sip SOOKIE: How can you stay so calm about this? LORELAI: There's nothing we can do about it. RORY: I can't believe they got snowed in. LORELAI: All that work, all that extra help we hired. Oh well. At least they paid for it already. We didn't lose any money. SOOKIE: Yeah I guess. You know, I could still make up the dinner for the three of us. RORY: Yeah, but then it would be like the three of us, all alone in the dining room. LORELAI: It would be like The Shining, except instead of Jack Nicholson, we have Rune. [Luke walks over to them] LUKE: You girls want anything besides coffee? SOOKIE: Hey, what about Luke? LUKE: What about him? SOOKIE: He eats, and Jess eats. Doesn't Jess eat? LUKE: What's she doing? LORELAI: I think she's inviting you for dinner. SOOKIE: Yeah, come on, join us. It'll be fun. You like Peacock Pie? LUKE: I'm a hundred percent sure I don't. LORELAI: There'll be normal food too. RORY: And decorations. SOOKIE: And music. LORELAI: Come on, it'll be fun. LUKE: Well LORELAI: Hey, you know what? Let's invite everyone. SOOKIE: Everyone who? LORELAI: Everyone everyone. SOOKIE: Everyone everyone who? LORELAI: Everyone we know, everyone we like. RORY: And they could even stay in the inn. All those empty rooms, all those uneaten pillow mints. LORELAI: An out of control, over the top slumber party! SOOKIE: I love it! RORY: Me too! LORELAI: Done! Spread the word. LUKE: I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai stares at him] Eight o'clock? LORELAI: Seven. LUKE: Right. CUT TO FRONT OF STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Dean walks out of the school, Lane walks over to him.] LANE: Deano. DEAN: Hey Lane. Are you going to this big shindig at the inn tonight? LANE: Yeah, I'm just trying to trick my mom into not going with me. DEAN: How's that coming along? LANE: How's that Pixies reunion coming along? DEAN: Well, I'll see you and your mom there. LANE: Bye. DEAN: Bye. [Lane leaves. Dean sees Jess fighting with another kid and goes over to break it up.] BOY: Keep it up pal, you'll get hurt. DEAN: Whoa, hey guys! Guys, come on, break it up guys! Quit it! Hey, hold it man, get off me! [Dean tries to pull Jess away; Jess tries to punch him] Whoa, hey, get off me man, I'm not fighting you! Jess, knock it off man! What the hell is your problem? JESS: Nothing. DEAN: You saw it was me, Jess. Why'd you keep punching? JESS: Had momentum. DEAN: Well I was trying to help you. JESS: I don't need you help, but thanks for offering. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai sits on the couch as Rory walks in with some drinks.] LORELAI: Hey, did Bootsy RSVP? RORY: Yeah, he's coming. LORELAI: Thanks. Is he bringing anybody? RORY: He's coming solo. LORELAI: Okay. I'm gonna put him in room 16 with Luke. RORY: You can't do that. LORELAI: Come on, let me have my fun. RORY: Luke's coming with Jess. LORELAI: Well, I'll put Jess in with Miss Patty. RORY: There will be no Jess left in the morning. LORELAI: You stink. [Rory sits in the armchair and picks up a pile of cards] RORY: Are these last year's cards or this year's? LORELAI: This year's, of course. RORY: Don't scoff. Last year's set were still sitting here 'til Halloween. LORELAI: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills...well then, okay. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: What? RORY: This is one ugly looking baby. Whose baby is this? LORELAI: That's your second cousin's Stan's. Poor kid. RORY: Ugh, he got Stan's everything. LORELAI: That's not even the ugliest baby in the bunch. RORY: You're kidding. [looks through the pile] Ouch! LORELAI: That's the ugliest baby in the bunch. RORY: I don't understand why people put pictures on cards. LORELAI: Do they not understand we are unapologetic mockers? RORY: There's an unexplained innocence in the world. Hey, I didn't see this. LORELAI: See what? RORY: Dad. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: And the woman I'm assuming is Sherry. LORELAI: Uh, did I not show you that? Huh. RORY: They've got a cute little puppy and everything. LORELAI: Oh, I must've put it in the stack and forgotten to tell you about it. Well, there it is. RORY: Nice looking lady. LORELAI: Mm hmm. Like a young Tammy Faye Baker. RORY: But prettier than that. LORELAI: Oh, I didn't mean not pretty. Hey, question about the room list. RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Room 31 - why is it empty? RORY: Oh yeah, I wanted to run an idea by you. LORELAI: Run it. RORY: I thought maybe a certain depressed man and his wife could stay there. LORELAI: Woody and Soon-Yi? RORY: Grandma and Grandpa. LORELAI: Ugh, you've got to be kidding. RORY: But this could help to cheer him up. LORELAI: I'll send him a Def Jam Comedy tape. That'll cheer him up. RORY: It's a really good thing to do. LORELAI: We'll donate money to charity, that's a good thing too. We'll stop kicking dogs. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: All right, I'll pencil them in, but they'll probably say no. RORY: Yeah, but we're not gonna hope that they say no, right? LORELAI: Right. RORY: Right, because that would be really bad karma, especially on top of making fun of the ugly babies. LORELAI: Uh, I have a new year's resolution for you: become more cynical and self absorbed. RORY: I'll work on it. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [The night of the Bracebridge Dinner, Lorelai and Rory are in the lobby] RORY: Hey, how's Sookie doing in there? LORELAI: Ah, well, she's paper bagging it. RORY: What? LORELAI: You know... [Lorelai breathes into a pretend paper bag] RORY: Oh, so she's right on schedule. [Babette and Morey walk into the inn.] BABETTE: Hey dolls. LORELAI: Hey! RORY: Hi, welcome. MOREY: Are we the first ones here? LORELAI: Yes, you are. BABETTE: Now don't you freak out. Morey hates being the first anywhere. He thinks it hurts his street credibility. MOREY: Charlie Parker was late to everything. BABETTE: Charlie Parker had more drugs in him than a Rite-Aid. Forget Charlie Parker. RORY: You guys are in room 8. It's all ready for you. BABETTE: Thanks, doll. C'mon Morey. We can be late for dinner if it'll make you feel better. MOREY: A little. BABETTE: Yeah. [they walk away as Lane walks into the inn] LANE: Hey! RORY: Are you alone? MRS. KIM: Lane! LANE: My wedding night's gonna be very interesting. RORY: Hi Mrs. Kim. I'm glad you guys could come. You guys are in room 12. MRS. KIM: Thank you. Hello Lorelai, thank you for inviting us. LORELAI: Our pleasure. Do you need help bringing in the rest of your stuff? MRS. KIM: This is my stuff. Don't need any more stuff. People have too much stuff. LORELAI: You know you're right. People have too much stuff. Absolutely. [Mrs. Kim and Lane walk away] RORY: Says the woman with 64 pairs of shoes. LORELAI: Thus proving my point. What is Paris doing here? RORY: She had to bring me the newspaper stuff tonight. She just couldn't wait. LORELAI: A robot, she's a robot. Hi! [walks away] RORY: Hey. PARIS: So here are the materials in the double issue. Some of the articles are gonna need complete rewrites. RORY: Drag. PARIS: Madeline's 500 words on test anxiety spends 400 of them arguing that stretch corduroy is the best material for low-rise jeans. RORY: Well, let's see. Corduroy is a fabric, and the fabric of society is weakened when students PARIS: You can't get there. RORY: Yeah, it doesn't look like it. I'll get right on this tomorrow. PARIS: What about tonight? RORY: I'm busy tonight. PARIS: Doing what? RORY: Well, this. PARIS: Oh. What is this? RORY: It's kind of a big dinner party. PARIS: Oh. Okay, well, I'll get out of your way. Call if you need to talk things through, and oh - she uses the Prince version of writing. A letter U for you and a picture of an eye for an I. RORY: Wow. PARIS: Yeah. RORY: Hey Paris, do you have anything going on tonight? PARIS: What's that supposed to mean? RORY: It's supposed to mean, do you have anything going on tonight? PARIS: Well, my parents are out of town, so my Portuguese nanny will make dinner and then I'll either get back to reading the Iliad or we'll play Monopoly. I crush her every time. RORY: Well I was just thinking, maybe you want to stay for dinner? PARIS: Here? RORY: Yeah. We have a ton of food, and it's like a whole big show and everything, and if you're not doing anything PARIS: Rereading the Iliad a third time is not not doing anything. I'm not pathetic. RORY: I know you're not. I just thought it might be fun, that's all. PARIS: Well, I'll have to make a call. RORY: Good, make it. PARIS: I just have to let Nanny know. [takes out cell phone and dials] Nanny? É Paris. Vou jantar com Rory hoje à noite. Eu telefono no caminho de casa. Tchau. [Dean and Clara walk into the inn] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hello there. Hey Clara. Nice, is that a Stella McCartney? CLARA: It's a Wal-Mart. RORY: Well, it's very pretty. CLARA: My mom bought it for tonight. RORY: She's got good taste. DEAN: [sees Jess walk in] I didn't know he was coming. RORY: Who? DEAN: Jess. RORY: Yeah. Is that a problem? DEAN: Not really. RORY: Dean. DEAN: It's just that, he got into this fight with this guy at school, and when I broke it up he started in on me. RORY: He hit you? DEAN: He tried. RORY: Why would he do that? DEAN: Don't ask me to explain that jerk. [Jess waves] He better not do that all night. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN SOOKIE: No! It tastes too twentieth century guys. It's gotta shout Washington Irving, not Irving my accountant. It needs something, help me. What is it? CHEF: Uhh [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: How's it going? AGH! SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Ooh! Ew, Rune naked, naked Rune. [Rune is changing his pants in the corner] SOOKIE: Ahh! RUNE: These stupid pants won't go past my thighs. LORELAI: Why are you dressing in here? RUNE: The bathrooms are full and the lousy madrigal singers are bull guarding the supply closet so this is the only place. SOOKIE: They're too small. RUNE: My thighs are too big. LORELAI: Ahh! Rune, yes, but in lieu of coming up with something that would immediately reduce the size of your thighs, why don't we get you a bigger pair of pants? SOOKIE: And a different place to dress. LORELAI: Definitely. RUNE: Well, can you get me the supply closet? LORELAI: We'll take it by force if we have to. Go. Ah. [Rune leaves] Is everything under control? SOOKIE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ye...no. This needs something and I cannot think of what it is. It's that tart, kind of spicy, white. . .salt! The word is salt! LORELAI: You forgot the word for salt? SOOKIE: Everything's under control. LORELAI: Good. SOOKIE: Absolutely, one hundred percent. LORELAI: You're exuding confidence. Have the oxygen ready. SOOKIE: Okay, easy. It's a bird, it's a bird. CUT TO LOBBY [Lorelai walks into the lobby as Emily and Richard arrive] LORELAI: They're here. RORY: Who? LORELAI: The Joy-less Luck Club. RICHARD: Hello girls. You look particularly lovely tonight. RORY: Thanks Grandpa. LORELAI: Thanks Dad. You guys look nice yourselves. EMILY: Seems like the occasion called for it. RICHARD: The air seems crisper here than Hartford. It's wonderful. LORELAI: Hey Dad, you didn't grab the wrong prescription bottle earlier today, did you? RICHARD: What? RORY: Nothing. EMILY: I think she was making one of her funny jokes. RICHARD: Oh, went straight over my head. LORELAI: Let me get someone to help you with your bags. RICHARD: No, no, I've got them. Just point me to the room. RORY: You guys are in room 31, best room in the place. RICHARD: Oh, anything's fine. I'll, uh, see you in a bit. [walks away] LORELAI: What got into him? RORY: He's totally different. EMILY: I know. He's been that way for two days. I have no idea why but I'm taking the credit. LORELAI: Ugh, a hostess' job is never done. Hi. CUT TO LOBBY [All the guests are mingling in the lobby.] LORELAI: Hey everybody, will you gather round? Everyone, everyone! First of all, I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner. SOOKIE: I'm fine, everything's fine. LORELAI: I also want to thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Trelling Paper Company in Chicago so I can throw this great party for all my friends instead. It's a very special night. And so, since I don't get to eat unbelievably strange food with my friends everyday, I have arranged a little surprise. Outside, as we speak, is a line of horse drawn sleighs and everybody gets a ride. So, uh, line up and keep it orderly. There's two per sleigh and no cutting in front of each other - that goes for everyone. Except me, 'cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss a ride in a horse drawn sleigh. Come on. LUKE: You gonna go? JESS: I think I'll wait for the clog dancing. DEAN: Hey, hey, don't move. CLARA: But we're gonna miss all the good horses! RORY: Who is this brazen woman competing for your attention? CLARA: Come on! DEAN: Uh, I guess I'm spoken for. RORY: I'll see you back here. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai is sitting in one of the sleighs as Luke and Bootsy stand near the horses] BOOTSY: You see the horses? LUKE: You mean the ones three feet from my face? Yeah, I saw 'em. BOOTSY: I spent a summer training horses in Montana. LUKE: You get kicked in the head a lot? BOOTSY: Just the once. LORELAI: Hey, you in the belt - get in. LUKE: What? Oh, no, I was just sort of checking things out. LORELAI: Come on. We can pull a Ben Hur and take down Taylor's sleigh. LUKE: I don't know, I... LORELAI: Aww, come on Luke. I can't be all school marm-y and ride by myself. Please? LUKE: Well, okay. [gets in the sleigh] LORELAI: Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle! LUKE: Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. LUKE: I gotta say, sleigh ride's a little much, but these horses are really beautiful. LORELAI: Yes, especially from this angle. LUKE: Not just from this angle. LORELAI: Oh seriously, don't backtrack. Horse has got a nice butt there. LUKE: It's not what I'm saying. LORELAI: Nice firm hiney. LUKE: Stop talking about the horse's hiney. LORELAI: God, the town looks beautiful. LUKE: Same as always. LORELAI: No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical. LUKE: If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week. LORELAI: You disappoint me. LUKE: Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on. LORELAI: How's it going with you guys? LUKE: Me and Jess? Great. LORELAI: Great? Really? LUKE: Really. LORELAI: Well, good. LUKE: It is good. I mean, it was hard at first, seemed impossible, you know, but I've learned a lot these past couple months. LORELAI: Like? LUKE: Like last week I discovered the secret of parenting. LORELAI: You did? LUKE: Yup. LORELAI: The secret of parenting? LUKE: The secret of parenting. LORELAI: When last week? Last Tuesday? LUKE: I don't know the exact day. LORELAI: Tuesday at 5:15, is that when you discovered the secret of parenting? LUKE: Don't mock. LORELAI: Well, tell me. What is. . . oh wait, it's a secret, you can't tell me. LUKE: No, I'll tell you. You visualize the reality you want. LORELAI: You visualize the reality you want. LUKE: And then if necessary, you lie to bring it about. LORELAI: That is so much worse than I was expecting. LUKE: You never lied to your kid? LORELAI: Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't touch the devil's hands!' She still doesn't go near the stove. LUKE: Yes, exactly. You told a little white lie for your kid's protection, very similar to what I've done. LORELAI: Which was? LUKE: Well, you know the winter break is coming up? LORELAI: Yes I do. LUKE: Okay, well that means Jess has some time off from school. His mom knew that and she never called. LORELAI: Ugh, it makes me sick LUKE: So I decided just to keep Jess with me, and I told him that his mom wanted him to come home but I thought since he just got there and was still adjusting that I thought he should stay, and his mom was really upset but I insisted. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Saved him a lot of hurt. LORELAI: He didn't buy it. LUKE: What? Of course he did. LORELAI: He knows. [cut to Richard and Emily's sleigh] EMILY: I wish Lorelai had warned us about this. RICHARD: What? This is wonderful.. EMILY: It's wreaking havoc with my hair. RICHARD: Oh this is not bad for your hair, compared to the other thing. EMILY: What other thing? [Richard tousles her hair] Richard, stop it! Stop it! Suddenly you're two years old. RICHARD: Oh, I'm just having fun. EMILY: I'm not complaining. RICHARD: This is fun too. This is like a roller coaster. EMILY: A little. RICHARD: Say, when was the last time we were on a roller coaster? EMILY: Never. RICHARD: Didn't we ever go to Coney Island? EMILY: That must've been your other wife. RICHARD: Gosh, I used to love it when I was a kid. They were a lot faster then too. EMILY: And less safe. RICHARD: We should go on one. EMILY: What? RICHARD: A fast one. EMILY: Fine. You go and I'll wait and hold your cotton candy for you. RICHARD: You are going. EMILY: It would take a whole day. RICHARD: You are going. EMILY: I'd be scared. RICHARD: I'll hold your hand. EMILY: Fine. We'll go on a roller coaster. RICHARD: Good. EMILY: Now where is this roller coaster we're going on? RICHARD: I'm not sure. I'll get Rory to look it up on the Internet for us. [cut to Rory getting in a sleigh] DRIVER: That it miss? RORY: I guess I'm alone. [The sleigh starts going. Jess jumps into the seat next to Rory] RORY: What are you doing? JESS: Well, I heard it was two to a sleigh - no more, no less. You were breaking the rules. RORY: You could've hurt yourself. JESS: I live on the edge. I can jump out if you want. RORY: Doesn't matter to me. JESS: Are you mad at me or something? RORY: What do you think? JESS: I can't read your mind. RORY: You got into a fight with Dean. JESS: Dean? RORY: My boyfriend. JESS: Ah. He's still your boyfriend? RORY: Okay, you can jump out now. JESS: I wasn't fighting him. I was fighting someone else. He jumped in on his own. RORY: He was trying to help you. JESS: Oh, he should go into government service if he's so interested in helping people. But me, he can stop worrying about. RORY: Why were you fighting in the first place? JESS: 'Cause Chuck Presby's a jerk. RORY: You were fighting Chuck Presby? JESS: Yeah. RORY: Oh, he is a jerk. JESS: This whole town is weird and full of jerks. RORY: Then why are you still here? JESS: What do you mean? RORY: I mean, school's out and you don't like it here, so why don't you just go home? JESS: My mom didn't want me to. RORY: I don't believe that. JESS: That's your right, I guess. RORY: Did Luke say she didn't want you to? JESS: Luke told me it was his idea that I should stay. It wasn't his idea. That's good. RORY: What? JESS: Your snowman. Snowwoman, actually. RORY: You know which one is ours? JESS: It definitely has the most personality. Kind of looks like Bjork. RORY: That's what we were going for. JESS: Yeah? RORY: But everyone thinks the one on the end is gonna be the winner. JESS: Really? It's so overdone. RORY: I agree. JESS: You should win. RORY: No argument. JESS: Hey, what do you and Dean talk about? RORY: What? JESS: I mean, does he know Bjork? RORY: I've played him some stuff. JESS: Hm. So you got a teacher-student thing going? RORY: Stop. JESS: No, really, I'm curious. What do you guys talk about? RORY: Everything. JESS: Like? RORY: Just everything, tons of stuff, whatever. JESS: It's just in the brief non-pugilistic time I've spent with him in class, he just doesn't seem like your kind of guy. RORY: Well, he is my kind of guy. He's exactly my kind of guy. JESS: Okay. I guess I don't know him that well. RORY: You don't. You don't. CUT TO INN DINING ROOM [All of the guests are seated at a long table. Lorelai stands at the head of the table with a camera.] LORELAI: Quiet please, everybody. Before the, uh, button popping and the bloating can commence, say cheese. EVERYONE: Cheese! LORELAI: Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, damen und herren, um, the moment you've been waiting for, I give you the Bracebridge Dinner. SOOKIE: Whoa, whoa, hold it. We just need a quick minute, please. LORELAI: Which will be starting in one quick minute. BOOTSY: You ever think about that? You can't have a quick minute because it's always sixty seconds. LUKE: Shut up. MISS PATTY: Lorelai darling, who is the silver fox with the tight kneesocks? LORELAI: Oh, that's Claude. He's one of our regular servers, divorced and on the market. MISS PATTY: Oh, well the uniform is interesting. LORELAI: All right. I'll have him bathed, powdered, and sent to your room. MISS PATTY: What? Oh, you joke? Was that a joke? RICHARD: Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud. LORELAI: Thanks Dad. EMILY: Your dress needs pressing. LORELAI: Thanks Mom. [Lorelai sits down next to Rory] LORELAI: Your pod Grandpa is still happy as a clam. RORY: See, I told you this would be good for him. LORELAI: When you're right, you're right. RUNE: Welcome Lords and Ladies. I call upon these sprightly horns to commence our proceedings. [horns play] Hey Chuck Mangione, you wanna back up a step? LORELAI: And we're off. RUNE: And now, fair people, I present my Lord and Master, the honorable Squire Bracebridge. [Jackson enters the room dressed as the Squire] JACKSON: Lo! Now has come our joyfullest feast. Let every man be jolly. JESS: We should've eaten before we came. LUKE: Shh! And yeah. JACKSON: Humble servant, bring us the first course to dine with pleasure. Mmm, methinks it be a butternut squash soup. RUNE: Ah, methinks you're right Squire Bracebridge, thus and verily. JACKSON: And verily thus. LORELAI: They're the Old England Abbot and Costello. JACKSON: 'Tis perfection, but extremely hot. RUNE: My Lord, do you need aid? Wouldst thou have thee ice thy tongue? JACKSON: Ah nay, Rune, nay. To the guests thou shall serve the soup! JESS: What's the white stuff? LUKE: I think it's cheese - or cream. JESS: And the green stuff? LUKE: I think it's best picked off. MRS. KIM: No one says grace? LANE: I think they all do Mama, uh, silently. MRS. KIM: Did you say silent grace? BABETTE: [laughs] Good one! [Mrs. Kim stares at her. Babette quickly bows her head and nudges for Morey to do the same. Cut to Kirk serving soup to Lorelai and Rory] KIRK: Soup for mi'ladies? RORY: Why thank you, kind sir. LORELAI: Hey Kirk, nice blouse. RORY: Don't let her make fun of you Kirk. You look great. KIRK: Soup with garlands, gay and rosemary. LORELAI: You're gonna stay in character no matter what, huh? KIRK: 'Tis hot, so proceed daintily. LORELAI: Hey, did you ever see that I Love Lucy where she goes to Buckingham Palace? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: She tries to get the palace guard to break character. That was a funny one. KIRK: 'Tis foreign to me good lady. RORY: Hang in there, Kirk. LORELAI: Those ones where she was in Europe, hands down, those were the best! KIRK: No way, the Hollywood ones! LORELAI: Ha! KIRK: Damn! RORY: I was rooting for you boy. [Cut to later that evening] RUNE: My Lord, shall dessert be served? JACKSON: Anon, humble servant. CLARA: Can I eat my dessert with the horses? DEAN: Sure, uh, but put your coat on. CLARA: Are you okay? BOOTSY: I guess so. I've lost track of how many beers I've had. CLARA: Seven. LORELAI: Hey Paris, how's it going? PARIS: Fine, good, thanks for having me. LORELAI: Oh, it was our pleasure. PARIS: Did you notice the anachronisms? LORELAI: The what? PARIS: The period discrepancies. They were pretty blatant. I mean, forget that the nineteenth century didn't include recessed lighting or the Fossil watch that your server was wearing, but water in that period would not have been served with cubed ice. LORELAI: Right. PARIS: And your servers are wearing nylon blend shirts, and nylon was invented by a scientist at Dupont in the 1920's. It shattered the illusion. LORELAI: Floggings will be administered. RICHARD: So there we are, it's a beautiful moonlit Prague night, and we're strolling across the Charles Bridge when we come across this group of kids blasting this song by that. . .oh, that awful woman. Who is she? The tall bony one, married to the deceased mustachioed congressman. RORY: Cher? EMILY: That's the one! LORELAI: The year of 'Do you believe in life after love?' RORY: A difficult time for all of us. MICHEL: I like that song. RICHARD: Well, I was appalled. Prague has played host to some of the greatest composers in history. Mozart named a symphony after it, for heaven's sake. So what did I do? EMILY: I have tried so hard to forget this. RICHARD: I stood beside them and their boombox and I hummed Mozart's Prague Symphony as loud as I could. [starts humming] LORELAI: A bizarro Battle of the Bands. TAYLOR: And did it work? RICHARD: Well, they quickly packed up and went their way. EMILY: But then he kept on humming the Mozart. He wouldn't stop. RICHARD: Well, at that point I was hoping for some gullible tourists to drop money at my feet. EMILY: And two of them did. RICHARD: And I kept it! TAYLOR: You know, this might be the most interesting conversation I've ever had with an insurance man. RICHARD: Aww, I'm hurt. TAYLOR: I'm sorry Richard. What I meant was that RICHARD: No, what you meant was that people in the insurance industry are drones. Well I agree. They are a dull, dull lot, and I am glad to be rid of them. LORELAI: Rid of them? TAYLOR: Oh, are you retired Richard? RICHARD: Well, uh EMILY: Of course he's not. Richard? Richard? RICHARD: Actually, I am. CUT TO BEDROOM [Later that evening, Lorelai and Rory are in their room at the inn getting ready for bed.] LORELAI: Ah, it's always nice to end a big festive meal with a big festive pall hanging over the room. RORY: Most people didn't notice anything. LORELAI: I guess. Bootsy singing Hotel California accompanied by spoons drew people's attention away. RORY: Did Grandma and Grandpa say a word to each other the rest of the night? LORELAI: No. RORY: Why didn't he tell anyone? LORELAI: I'm sorry, are you asking me to interpret my parents' motives? RORY: My mistake. So which bed do you want? LORELAI: Take the one by the window. RORY: Okay. [pulls back blanket] Mom! LORELAI: What honey? RORY: You put the picture of the ugly baby in my bed? LORELAI: I didn't, I swear. That ugly baby is stalking us. Run away! RORY: Poor baby, it's not his fault. LORELAI: I think it's a she. RORY: Poor baby, you picked the wrong parents. Hey, have you heard from Dad recently? LORELAI: What dad - your dad? RORY: Yeah, my dad. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because he's my dad, and he usually checks in this time of year and he hasn't checked in yet. I mean, I know he's probably busy with Sherry and the new apartment and...what? LORELAI: There may have been a call. RORY: There may have been? You don't remember? LORELAI: Well things have been so hectic, you know, with the Bracebridge Dinner, and um, building a snowwoman, and planning the ugly baby gag, that took time. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Yes, he called! He called, he called, he called and invited you, and it's not too late to go. He called and invited you, so there you go. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, so there. RORY: He invited me over? LORELAI: Yes, are you deaf? RORY: No, I'm just trying to separate the gist from the ubububububah. LORELAI: Well, the gist is he invited you, okay? RORY: Why didn't he invite me himself? LORELAI: Because he's pretending to be considerate by running it past me first. RORY: Was he maybe not pretending to be considerate, and actually being considerate? LORELAI: Maybe. But I wouldn't put it past him to be inconsiderate. The guy doesn't have the greatest track record. RORY: Why didn't you tell me this? He's probably waiting for my answer, and holding off making plans. LORELAI: Because I have dibs on this time of year with you, not him! Me! And yes, he acknowledged that, and that was cool and all, but still - it stinks! Because he put me in a very difficult position because we were supposed to watch a lot of movies and make fun of Godfather 3, and the thing that I really, really hate about this is is the idea of you not hanging out with me because you're hanging out there with your stupid stepmother. RORY: You're calling Sherry my stepmother? LORELAI: Well, she practically is. RORY: You're wigging. LORELAI: There is something wrong with that woman. RORY: You don't even know her. LORELAI: You think I'm overreacting? RORY: I think you're jealous of Sherry. LORELAI: Ha, I'm not jealous of Sherry. RORY: But I understand - your territory has been threatened. LORELAI: Excuse me? RORY: But relax, there are ways to work through situations like this - compromises can be struck. LORELAI: Oh, what are you saying? RORY: Well, you know, I can still call you Mom, and I'll call her Mommy Sherry. LORELAI: Don't be mean. RORY: And we can split up holidays evenly. Like, I'll be with you on Labor Day LORELAI: Okay. RORY: her on Memorial Day. LORELAI: Enough. RORY: I'll have to find out about her religion though to see how Chanukah will factor into this, unless you want to convert to Judaism and then take over Chanukah for yourself. LORELAI: I get the point. I overreacted. Please stop. RORY: You totally overreacted. God. LORELAI: So do you think you're gonna go and stay with them? RORY: I'll have to think about it. LORELAI: Do you have to think about it because you know that it's killing me not to know whether you're going or not and you want to torture me like that? RORY: Nope, I just don't know if I want to do it. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: It was nice of him to ask though. LORELAI: It was very nice. RORY: 'Cause we are rooting for Dad. LORELAI: We are rooting for him. It was a very nice thing that Christopher offered. I was being a little possessive. RORY: And insanely jealous of his pretty girlfriend. LORELAI: Well, I wanna know if she's good enough for him. RORY: Me too. LORELAI: So there was an altruistic streak to my madness. RORY: We'll go with that. [there's a knock at the door. Lorelai answers, Emily is there.] EMILY: I need a new room. LORELAI: What? EMILY: I can't stay in that room. LORELAI: There are no other rooms, Mom. EMILY: Well, then I'll go home. RORY: Grandma, it's late. LORELAI: And pitch black, and the roads are icy. You can't be driving. EMILY: Well, I'm not going back to that room. LORELAI: I'm guessing you and Dad had it out about the job thing? EMILY: We haven't even spoken since dinner. I'm so upset, I wouldn't know where to begin. And I couldn't take being around him anymore. What he did is inexcusable. Not letting me know he left his job - as if it didn't affect me? LORELAI: Aw mom, try to calm down. Here, take this bed, and Rory and I will share. EMILY: I'm just a burden. LORELAI: You're not a burden, Mom. EMILY: Well, okay, thank you. Can I use the mirror in the bathroom for a second? LORELAI: Yes, I'll use the one out here. [Rory watches as Lorelai and Emily both apply cream to their face] RORY: Wow. LORELAI: What? RORY: Behold my future. EMILY: How do you turn out the light? LORELAI: I'll get it. EMILY: I still can't believe it. LORELAI: Try to relax Mom. EMILY: I hope he doesn't sleep because I surely won't. LORELAI: Oh, Mom. EMILY: These slippers you have here are hardly one size fits all. They're too big. LORELAI: Goodnight. EMILY: It was so irresponsible. LORELAI: Maybe he had no choice. EMILY: Of course he had a choice. Go to sleep Lorelai. LORELAI: That job was killing him, Mom. It was killing him. EMILY: I'm going for a little walk. RORY: Grandma, it's late. EMILY: I'm not tired. LORELAI: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives. CUT TO LOBBY [Emily walks in and finds Richard sitting on the sofa] EMILY: I didn't know you were here. RICHARD: Emily, don't go. EMILY: I'm very tired. RICHARD: I want to talk to you, please. I don't need to remind you about how I've been feeling at work, and my frustration just built to the point where again, you know this. So, I arranged to meet the CEO yesterday just to talk about the situation and about the rumors I'd heard floating around. So I met with Floyd. We shook hands, had coffee, then I started telling him about how unhappy I'd become. I detailed all my years with the company, all the travel I'd done, all the weekends I put in, the sacrifices I'd made, including time with my family, for the firm. And the more I talked, the angrier I became, and then suddenly I heard myself resign, just like that. Floyd was stunned. I'd never seen Floyd stunned. I enjoyed seeing Floyd stunned. So I finished my coffee and I walked out of that office, and I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I'd resigned, quit. I believe I even used a little profanity in the process. But you know what Emily? I was thrilled, elated, a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. I noticed Floyd's secretary staring at me, and I realized it was because I was smiling. Well, nobody had seen me smile there in a very long time. I was. . .I was happy. EMILY: And you chose not to tell me? Your own wife. RICHARD: Oh Emily, I know I've done nothing but disappoint you these past few months, what with how isolated I've become and all the social engagements I've made you cancel, and all the friendships I've jeopardized. And you like order, you like lists, you like to know where you're going or what's coming. You like all things planned. And then suddenly I impulsively unplan our entire future in one fail swoop. Well, I couldn't face disappointing you again. I couldn't face telling you that I'd spoiled the plan. Not now, not at this time of year. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to worry, I just wanted to keep being happy. I'm very, very sorry. Anyhow, um, I've been sitting here going over our financial situation. Now, um, we still have all of our retirement accounts, and our medical coverage is all there, By quitting though, we do forgo some of my pension and some stock options. Not a terribly significant amount, but an amount all the same. EMILY: Richard, let's just go to bed. CUT TO LOBBY [The next morning, the guests are leaving] RORY: See ya Bootsy. BOOTSY: See ya, thanks. By the way, last night did I sing Hotel California? RORY: From beginning to end. LORELAI: While banging spoons on your head. BOOTSY: Well that explains the lumps. LORELAI: Bye. MISS PATTY: Lorelai, darling, oh thank you for everything. LORELAI: Patty, your timing is excellent. There's Claude over there. Want me to do some matchmaking? MISS PATTY: Aww, he's wearing a golf shirt and cotton Dockers. LORELAI: So it was the uniform, huh? MISS PATTY: Aw, it's the Biloxi Naval Base all over again. LORELAI: See ya. MISS PATTY: Bye. LORELAI: Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky? EMILY: Could you be any cruder? LORELAI: Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la RORY: Thanks for coming! It was fun. Is everything okay? RICHARD: Everything's okay. EMILY: We'll see you next Friday. LORELAI: Bye. Bye Dad. RICHARD: Bye Lorelai. SOOKIE: You just had one grub too many. Just drink lots of water to rehydrate. JACKSON: I will. LORELAI: Jackson, thank you for being our Squire. JACKSON: Oh, you're welcome. Hey, uh, by the way, last night when Bootsy was singing Hotel California and banging spoons on his head, did I LORELAI: Lift up your shirt and play drums on your stomach? Yes you did. JACKSON: Oh boy. RORY: You kept a good beat. SOOKIE: Yeah, 'cause God knows if the beat was off, you'd have embarrassed yourself. CLARA: Thanks Rory. RORY: Clara, I'm glad you came. DEAN: So I'll see you later. CLARA: Don't kiss. DEAN: Aw, come on. CLARA: Don't kiss. [Dean covers Clara's eyes while he kisses Rory] CLARA: Come on. DEAN: So I guess we're off. RORY: I guess so. [Dean walks away, then glances back and sees Rory and Jess smiling at each other] LORELAI: Bye you guys. Ugh, let's go home. RORY: Are we coming to get our bags later? LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because we're walking home. I don't want to carry 'em. LORELAI: Who says we're walking? CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory ride home in a horse-drawn sleigh.] LORELAI: This is the only way to ride. RORY: I wholeheartedly agree. [Lorelai sees that the elaborate overdone snowman has been smashed] LORELAI: Whoa, what happened there? RORY: I have no idea. LORELAI: Bad news for ringer guy. But guess who wins by default? RORY: I guess that would be us.

A blizzard prevents a group from attending the historical dinner that Sookie has painstakingly prepared at their request, so she and Lorelai decide to invite all their friends in Stars Hollow to enjoy the feast at the Inn. At Rory's urging, Lorelai also invites Richard and Emily, in an attempt to boost Richard's spirits. During dinner, Emily is hurt and angered when Richard reveals that he has quit his job without consulting her. Jess tries to get between Rory and Dean when Dean is distracted by his little sister.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x05

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x05_0

LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is packing a bag, Chris and Paul Anka are sitting on the couch, Chris looks bored] LORELAI: Okay. Toothbrush, hairbrush, hypoallergenic pillow, chenille blanket... ooh, comfort shoes. Got them. CHRISTOPHER: Those are your comfort shoes? LORELAI: Not mine -- Paul Anka's. CHRISTOPHER: We're staying in tonight. You can probably get away with flats. LORELAI: He loves, loves, loves chewing on these. They remind him of a squirrel carcass. CHRISTOPHER: Yummy. LORELAI: Don't judge. You eat jerky like it's going out of style. CHRISTOPHER: So, all this stuff is for Paul Anka? LORELAI: No, not all. The toothbrush is mine. CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai. LORELAI: What? It's his first night staying at your house. I want him to have all the stuff that makes him comfortable. Ooh -- tennis balls! CHRISTOPHER: I actually have tennis balls. LORELAI: Penn or Wilson? CHRISTOPHER: You're joking. LORELAI: Paul Anka's must be Penn. They must be new, they must be green -- not orange and green, just green. And FYI, you might want to watch that sarcastic tone of yours because dogs are very attuned to tone. It's kind of like Chinese, in that respect, dog language. It's very tone based. And you are stressing him out right now with your tone. CHRISTOPHER: The dog is stressed? LORELAI: Look at him. And when he gets like this, you need to talk to him in sweet and dulcet tones. [High-pitched voice] Hi, Paul Anka. Ooh, hi, boy! Hi! [Normal voice] Get it? CHRISTOPHER: Got it. LORELAI: Good. Sunglasses. [goes to get them] CHRISTOPHER: [To Paul Anka] This is not normal. I want you to know that. [To Lorelai] The dog wears Ferragamos? LORELAI: Oh, please. Don't give him any ideas. These are mine. All right, let's go. You take this, this, and this. Come on. What are you waiting for? [They go out and close the door, Paul Anka whimpers a little, then Lorelai comes back] LORELAI: Oops. Here, Paul Anka. [Claps] OPENING CREDITS HALLWAY TO LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Rory's phone rings] RORY: [answers cell phone] Hey. LOGAN: Hey, you watching it? RORY: What? LOGAN: The meteor shower. RORY: What meteor shower? LOGAN: It's on the news the BBC said there's some huge meteor shower tonight. I thought we could watch it together. RORY: Uh, Logan, I have been in the library for the past nine hours. I don't know anything about any meteor showers. But I could use a regular shower, though. LOGAN: Go up on the roof and check it out. RORY: Now? LOGAN: Yes, now! It's supposed to start in like two minutes. RORY: But... LOGAN: Ace! This is once-in-a-lifetime celestial event. Get going. RORY: Okay, okay. I'm getting. I'm going. LOGAN: Are you running? RORY: I'm running! I'm running! Who knew you were such an astronomy buff? LOGAN: Hurry! RORY: What has gotten into you? [Rory makes it to the roof] LOGAN: Nice night. RORY: Oh, my god! You're here! What are you doing here? LOGAN: [Chuckles] Happy to see me? RORY: Beyond happy! [They hug] Ecstatic! I can't believe you're here! And look at me -- I'm covered in highlighter ink and I smell like Fritos and ginger ale. LOGAN: It's an aphrodisiac. RORY: You're here and you did all this? LOGAN: You like? RORY: I love, but you didn't have to do this. I mean, you're here. It's enough. It's more than enough. LOGAN: Could you shut up now so I can kiss you? [They Kiss] RORY: So there is no meteor shower? LOGAN: No meteor shower. RORY: So you used the entire cosmos to trick me? LOGAN: I like to think big. RORY: So, what is going on? What, Why are you here? LOGAN: I'm kissing my girlfriend on the roof. Mmm. RORY: But why? LOGAN: The Fritos and Ginger Ale thing. I told you, huge turn-on. RORY: [Sighs] Explain yourself. LOGAN: I'm just here for a quick business trip. RORY: How quick? LOGAN: Too quick. RORY: How quick is "too quick"? LOGAN: I have 10:00 flight back to London tomorrow night. RORY: Oh, that is too quick. LOGAN: That website my team has been trying to buy -- the owners finally agreed to sit down, talk to us tomorrow over breakfast. RORY: Logan! That's great, right? I mean, three weeks ago, they weren't even taking your calls. LOGAN: It is great. However, not as exciting as kissing my girlfriend on the roof. RORY: Um, so, what's that amazing smell? LOGAN: Food from Ibiza. RORY: The island? LOGAN: The Tapas plAce downtown. RORY: Ooh, did you get the duck? LOGAN: I did. RORY: And the short ribs? LOGAN: Yes. And... RORY: [Gasps] Ooh! A 2003 red something. Oh I bet it's very oaky and corky and full of fruity legs. LOGAN: Know a lot about wine, do you? RORY: Not so much, but the label's pretty. LOGAN: There's also gazpacho, that cheese-pie thing you love, plus flan. RORY: Ooh, flan! You got me flan? LOGAN: Doesn't take much to make you happy, does it? RORY: Not when you're on this continent. LOG: Okay, why don't you open this wine? I want to taste those fruity legs, and I'll make you a plate with extra flan. RORY: Okay. [starts to open the bottle but then runs to Logan] Ooh, I'm so glad you're here! LOGAN: [Sighs] CHRIS' APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is on the couch, playing with the Tivo remote, Chris walks in] CHRISTOPHER: Ha-ha! You're killing my Tivo. LORELAI: I'm not killing it. I'm composing on it, I'm composing a symphony. Finally, an instrument I can play. CHRISTOPHER: Give me that. LORELAI: No, no, no! CHRISTOPHER: Give me! LORELAI: Not until you explain your choices. CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: "The View"? "Girlfriends"? "S*Bado Gigante"? Who controls this thing, you or Pedro Almodóvar? CHRISTOPHER: It's the nanny. LORELAI: Sure, it's a likely story. CHRISTOPHER: Give me, give me, give me. LORELAI: Did Gigi Get to sleep okay? CHRISTOPHER: She did. I tried to skip to the end of "Cinderella," but she wouldn't let me. It's my own fault. My wicked stepsister voice kills. LORELAI: She's amazing, you know? CHRISTOPHER: That reminds me. LORELAI: Oh, no! You're not gonna show me some of her art, are you? I never know what to say in those situations. I mean, even when it was Rory's art, you know? Three blue finger smudges and some construction paper. It's not precocious. It's just messy. CHRISTOPHER: Here. This came a couple of days ago. It's from Sherry. LORELAI: From Sherry? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, it's the first I've heard from her since the divorce was final. Go ahead and read it. LORELAI: Wow, how "Dangerous Liaisons" of her. She doesn't call. She doesn't e-mail. Then she sends you a letter with a wax seal that weighs roughly the same as a porterhouse. CHRISTOPHER: Well, she had a lot to say. LORELAI: Gosh. It's a lot of sorry. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, 15 pages worth. Believe me, I was not expecting this. Humility is not a side of Sherry I've ever seen before. I don't know if it's the yoga or the yoga instructor or... LORELAI: Yoga instructor? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, she's dating her yoga instructor, Jean-Claude or Jean-Pierre -- one of those names that always sounds fake. Anyway, it sounds like she's really changed. She feels awful about what happened, run away like that and she wants to find a way to be part of Gigi's life again. LORELAI: Honey, that's great. CHRISTOPHER: Right? LORELAI: Yeah... So, you got this two days ago and you're showing it to me now. CHRISTOPHER: Well I was gonna show it to you, a couple of days ago but I figured you were coming over so... LORELAI: No, I'm not criticizing. CHRISTOPHER: You're not? LORELAI: No, I'm complimenting -- badly, obviously. But I'm complimenting. You shared it with me. CHRISTOPHER: Well I kind of thought that was how the whole adult-relationship thing worked. You know, openness, honesty. LORELAI: Interesting. And you're sure you don't want to stash it away somewhere and then I find it -- accidentally, of course -- months from now, and I get all weird and insecure about why you didn't show it to me sooner? CHRISTOPHER: I'm good with the sharing. LORELAI: All right. It's another way to go. [They sit back to watch TV] CHRISTOPHER: [Evil voice] That glass slipper will fit my foot. [Normal voice] That was my wicked stepsister voice. LORELAI: Yeah, I figured. [Lorelai looks happy] ROOF TOP [Rory and Logan are laying on the floor] RORY: I'm so happy. LOGAN: Me too. [Kisses Rory on the head] You know you can't do this in London? The city lights are so bright, you almost never see the stars. RORY: Yeah, but it's London. LOGAN: Ah. RORY: Wait, are you tired of London? LOGAN: I'm tired of not being around you. RORY: Yeah, but you can't be tired of London. Samuel Johnson said, "when you're tired of London, you're tired of life." LOGAN: Obviously, the man was never in a long-distance relationship. RORY: That's true. Boswell did keep quite close. LOGAN: [Smooches] What are you doing? RORY: Nothing. LOGAN: You're trying to sneak a peek at my watch. RORY: Well, I just can't believe it. I can't believe you're here. And I-I can't believe that you're leaving in only 26 hours and 45 minutes. LOGAN: Come on think positive -- that's an entire lifetime to a fruit fly. RORY: Actual you're thinking of a mayfly. Fruit flies can live for up to a month. So what do you think, can you stay for a month? I mean what if your meeting tomorrow goes really, really well? LOGAN: I hope it does. RORY: It will. It's a great idea. LOGAN: It's basically MyspAce. RORY: But by invitation only. And it'll be like an online version of the Algonquin group, like throwing a party in your head where everyone you've ever wanted to talk to is there -- Ira Glass, Sofia Coppola, Flaubert, Danger Mouse. LOGAN: The deal's not done yet. Far from it. These guys aren't just gonna hand over their website because we buy them breakfast. RORY: They might. Tell them that they can order pancakes and eggs. Don't make them choose. Sausage, bacon, fruit, potatoes -- let them get the whole combo. 'Cause Then they will have to sell it to you. It'd be rude not to. LOGAN: You are a business genius, Ace. RORY: Well, I'm taking econ with my grandpa. LOGAN: Whatever happens, we'll be ready. We've been working our asses off on this one -- Nick, Bobby, Phillip. RORY: Oh, yes -- Phillip, Nick, Bobby. The team. Starting lineup. LOGAN: It is a classic win-win. They give us a foothold in new media. We give them a huge influx of capital, which they need. Believe me when it comes to debt versus equity, they're screwed. They have no liquidity, huge expenses, zero revenue. I mean, the target advertising potential alone -- what? What are you staring at? RORY: You, "Mr. Debt versus equity." LOGAN: Are you mocking me? RORY: Yeah, but I like it. Tell me more about this um, targeted advertising potential. LOGAN: What do you want to know? There's pay-per-click, pay-per-lead, banner ads, pixel tagging. RORY: Oh, stop. I'm getting weak at the knees. [They kiss] LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Next morning, Rory is still in bed] RORY: [reaching for Logan] Logan? LOGAN: Shh. Go back to sleep. It's only 6:00. RORY: In the morning? LOGAN: Yes, in the morning. Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you. RORY: Hey, where you going? Come back here. LOGAN: I can't I promised Nick, Bobby, and Phillip I'd meet up with them for breakfast before the pitch. RORY: I thought the pitch was at breakfast. LOGAN: It is, but we can't walk in there unprepared. We got to go over our notes, talk strategy. It's a pre-breakfast breakfast. RORY: Work dork. LOGAN: Did you just call me a work dork? RORY: Admit it, just admit that you're a work dork. LOGAN: I'll admit that I'm a work dork, if you admit that you love I'm a work dork. RORY: Done. [they kiss] LOGAN: Now I really have to go. RORY: Hey, I have ways of making you stay, you know. LOGAN: I know, I know, but take pity on me, please. After work, I promise I'm all yours. Dinner? RORY: Is it a pre-dinner dinner or a real dinner? LOGAN: As many dinners as you want. RORY: Aw, man, I can't believe we've wasted 4 1/2 hours on sleep. What are we down to now, like 15 hours? LOGAN: Rory, I'm actually gonna need both arms for this pitch. RORY: Okay, I'll let go. Just one more kiss. LOGAN: I don't believe you. RORY: Try me. [Logan moves in to kiss, then doesn't and walks off.] RORY: [Gasps] Hey! No fair! LOGAN: I'll call you later. RORY: Work dork! LOGAN: Work dork lover. DRAGONFLY INN - RECEPTION AREA MICHEL: [Sniffs] Gah. [Sniffs] LORELAI: You need a tissue? Oh, god, what is that? MICHEL: I don't know, but it's horrible. LORELAI: Oh, it is. It's foul. It's like rotten cabbage. MICHEL: Or with dense but subtle undertones of olives. LORELAI: There's nothing subtle about it. It's like a sledgehammer to the nose. SOOKIE: Oh, my god! What is that? LORELAI: It's not coming from the kitchen? SOOKIE: Bite your tongue. Are we having heart attacks right now? Isn't smelling something strange the first sign of a heart attack? LORELAI: I don't think we're having a communal massive heart attack. MICHEL: Carcasses. LORELAI: What? MICHEL: Those strange, angry-looking guests -- I'm sure they are traveling with decaying animal flesh. LORELAI: Yeah, 'cause that's the most logical explanation. Gonna open a window, see if we can air it out a little bit. [opens the window] Gah! No, no, no! SOOKIE: Close it! Close it! Close it! LORELAI: Ugh! MICHEL: So glad we tried that. LORELAI: All right, I'm going out there to see what's causing this. SOOKIE: Out there?! MICHEL: Are you crazy?! LORELAI: Maybe, but the sooner we can find out what's causing this, the sooner we can run like hell to less stinky ground. SOOKIE: Well I'm coming with you! MICHEL: Me too! Let's hang for a minute. If she makes it to the end of the block, we'll join her. SOOKIE: Michel! MICHEL: What? Fine. Ugh! [Coughs] STARS HOLLOW - TOWN SQUARE [They whole town is out covering there noses] LORELAI: Kirk, where's everybody going? KIRK: Taylor called an emergency town meeting. Not sure why. SOOKIE: The smell, Kirk. The horrible, horrible smell. KIRK: Really? [Sniffs] I just don't think it's that bad. SOOKIE: Ugh. Well, come on, let's go. LORELAI: No. You know what? On second thought, I'd rather smell this smell for the rest of my life than see Luke at a town meeting. SOOKIE: Oh, honey. LORELAI: It's okay. I'll go back to the inn. I'll be fine. Just call me when you want me to pick you up. MISS PATTYS - TOWN MEETING GYPSY: Finally! MISS PATTY: It's about time, Taylor! We're dying here. TAYLOR: I assure you, no one is dying. The substance causing this odor is not toxic in any way, shape, or form. It's pickles. [The crowd begins to groan and continues to for most of the meeting] SOOKIE: That's no pickle! KIRK: Pickle? Like one giant pickle? TAYLOR: Order! As those of you who take an interest in civic events may recall, three days ago a train derailed just east of town -- luckily, no one was injured. However, 3 1/2 tons of pickles and pickle brine were scattered along the tracks. And due to some inevitable delays in cleanup, those pickles have been baking in the sun for three days. [The crowd groans] MISS PATTY: And you knew about this? GYPSY: It's a cover-up. BABETTE: We got picklegate! MISS PATTY: Ha ha ha! TAYLOR: I did know about it, but it wasn't a problem until this morning when the wind shifted. And instead of wafting easterly toward our neighbors in Woodbridge, the smell seems to have settled on stars hollow. Now, there's no telling how long it will last. [The crowd groans again] GYPSY: What?! People are suffering here. SOOKIE: How long does it take to pick up a few measly pickles? TAYLOR: Picking up the pickles is not my main concern at the moment. Now, this is a matter of pride, people. A huge principle is at stake. There's absolutely no reason why we here in stars hollow should take responsibility for this mess. The pickles themselves hail from Ohio. LUKE: Ohio? TAYLOR: The railroad company is incorporated in the state of Delaware. And since all the pickles are on the Woodbridge side of the tracks... LUKE: Just pick up the damn pickles, Taylor! [Indistinct shouting] TAYLOR: Easier said than done. Even if we wanted to do the wrong thing and assume fiscal responsibility for this fiasco, the cost is astronomical. $2,500 for... LUKE: Sold! GYPSY: Done! BABETTE: Pay, you big cheapskate! [The crowd starts yelling "yeah!"] TAYLOR: Fine! All those in favor of stars hollow taking a swift kick to the tush and shouldering the entire cost... [The crowd raise the hands and say "aye!aye!"] TAYLOR: Very well. Motion carried. Pickle smell gone in 48 hours... along with everything good about stars hollow. [They crowd leaves] PARK [Children playing on different play ground equipment] LORELAI: Breathe that in. Isn't that fantastic? Forgot what fresh, pickleless air smells like. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, so, you coming over to my neck of the woods for lunch is really no reflection on how desperately you needed to see me? LORELAI: Hmm...10% desperate need to see you, 90% pickles. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] LORELAI: You know, I'm actually looking forward to Friday night dinner. Because, as you well know, the Gilmore house, like very expensive vodka, is completely odorless. CHRISTOPHER: And you still want me to come with? LORELAI: Yes, you, me, Rory, numbers, babe. CHRISTOPHER: Gigi, No. Skirt down! Gigi! LORELAI: You may want to look into the whole skort concept. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, so, I spoke with Sherry this morning. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. What's the deal with her? CHRISTOPHER: Well, first she and Gigi Spoke for almost half an hour. LORELAI: That's as long as you can do anything when you're 4. CHRISTOPHER: And then she and I talked. I thanked her for the letter. She said everything in it was true. She's totally serious about this new life thing. No more workaholic ways. She's gardening and meditating, all kinds of stuff. She's very self-actualized -- her words, not mine. LORELAI: Good for her. CHRISTOPHER: And the big news is, she wants me to send Gigi To Paris to stay with her for a couple of months. LORELAI: Wow. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah wow, I mean, I know it seems kind of sudden, but Sherry's taken this huge leave of absence from work, and Gigi Got so excited. Why not, right? She's not in school, yet, just preschool, and she needs to get to know her mother sometime. [To Gigi] No, hey! Gigi, That's too high! Careful! LORELAI: So, what -- would you go to Paris with her? CHRISTOPHER: No, I was thinking the nanny could take her. She's dying to go. I mean, it's Paris, right? She's 25 years old. It's a chance of a lifetime. LORELAI: Yeah, sure. CHRISTOPHER: No, hey! Gigi, No, don't pick that up! I'll be right back. LORELAI: [Sighs] YALE NEWS ROOM BILL: You can't put Paris in charge. PARIS: She can and she should. RORY: Guy's I just need someone to get the paper out tonight. Doesn't matter who. I want the chain of command to be clear. BILL: When the editor in chief isn't here, the managing editor's in charge. That's standard operating procedure at every newspaper in the country. PARIS: Yes, but I've done this 1,000 times, and you've never done it, bill. Experience. BILL: Experience that led to a mutiny. It's not like anyone ever gave Captain Bligh another ship after the Bounty. PARIS: Of course they did, multiple ships, and by the time he died, they promoted the guy to rear admiral. Do you think the British royal navy ruled the world in the 19th century by letting that much natural talent and leadership capability go to waste just because a few whiny complainers wanted more breadfruit and less scurvy? BILL: [To Rory] Tell me you're not seriously considering this. The bunker. Do you not remember the bunker? PARIS: I hardly see how my choice of workplace is relevant. BILL: There was an insurrection, a revolt, an uprising. She was deposed. PARIS: See how wordy he is? He overwrites. Plus, he's always been weak with gerunds. RORY: [Sighs and then her cell phone rings] Sorry. Look, could you guys take this somewhere else? BILL: Fine. Let's go to my desk. PARIS: Your desk? Right, like I'm actually going to cede home-court advantage. RORY: Oh, for god's sake. RORY: [Answering the phone] Hey! LOGAN: We did it, Ace! We bought the company! RORY: What? LOGAN: It's crazy we were just supposed to have breakfast. Next thing I know, we're sitting there with lawyers going over contracts. RORY: Logan, that's amazing. LOGAN: I know! RORY: Was it all because of my breakfast-combo idea? LOGAN: I'm pretty sure that's what sealed it. So will you come celebrate with me tonight? RORY: I already cleared my schedule. LOGAN: Great! I'll send a car. Tonight, you'll be dining with a captain of industry. RORY: Wow, do you get to wear a uniform? LOGAN: I'll have to check the fine print. Go home, get dressed. I'll see you soon. RORY: Aye-aye, captain. DRAGONFLY INN - RECEPTION [Michel is on the phone] MICHEL: Cancel? Well, I would say that depends. What exactly is your feeling about pickles? Uh-huh, yes, pickles -- gherkins, dills. For instance, if all the air around you smelled like pickles and there was no place to run, no place to hide, would you find that bothersome? LORELAI: Michel, help. Let me in. [The door is chained to keep the smell out] MICHEL: [On the phone] No, that is not a metaphor. Yes perhaps it would be better if you checked in tomorrow night. Uh-huh. Goodbye. LORELAI: Michel, it's getting in my pores! My pores are pickling! MICHEL: [Coughs, as he lets her in, he has put on a mask] LORELAI: Sorry, I didn't mean to get you out of surgery. MICHEL: Oh, mock the mask if you wish. LORELAI: Oh, I will. MICHEL: [Coughs, closes the door and sprays around it.] One is never too careful with toxic pollutants in the air. LORELAI: Michel, it's just pickles. MICHEL: Oh, so they say! Has anyone ever seen these pickles? Who's to say this is not some sort of chemical weapon the government is testing on us behind our backs? LORELAI: That's a cheery thought. MICHEL: I have much scarier scenarios if you want to hear them. LORELAI: Yeah, maybe later. DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN LORELAI: Hey. Wow, the smell is amazingly not terrible in here. What'd you do? SOOKIE: Well, after the town meeting, I decided to make some baked apples with cinnamon and nutmeg. LORELAI: This is apples and cinnamon? SOOKIE: Mnh-mnh. The apples failed me. I mean, a terrifically famous smell, right? A powerful tool in the hands of a real-estate agent. Against the pickles -- powerless. LORELAI: What is it? It makes me happy. SOOKIE: The apples failed. I tried cheeses and breads and chocolates. But nothing could mask the power of the pickles. LORELAI: You know I think my sense of smell is ruined. The insides of my nose are burned out. SOOKIE: Then, I decided if you can't beat them, join them. Embrace the pickle! LORELAI: Milton Berle it smells like? SOOKIE: Milton Berle, are you saying my kitchen smells like Milton Berle? LORELAI: Milton Berle, "Broadway Danny Rose," Carnegie deli. SOOKIE: Pastrami. LORELAI: Pastrami! SOOKIE: You want a sandwich? I'll make you a sandwich. LORELAI: No, thanks. SOOKIE: You sure? I've got pumpernickel. I've got rye. I've got this really nice mustard. I've even got dr. Brown's cel-ray soda in the fridge. LORELAI: Nah, I filled up on lunchables in the park with Chris and Gigi SOOKIE: Oh, yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: Lunchables, huh? LORELAI: Don't judge what you do not understand. SOOKIE: So, Friday afternoon in the park with Christopher, huh? LORELAI: Yeah, you know I will have one. Soda that tastes like vegetables -- who would have thunk it? Hey, uh, this kind of weird thing happened today. SOOKIE: Oh yeah. LORELAI: So, apparently Sherry is trying to get back in touch with Christopher. SOOKIE: Sherry "ex-wife" Sherry? LORELAI: Mm-hmm. SOOKIE: Sherry "abandoned her baby to go live the life of a bon vivant" Sherry? LORELAI: The very one. She wrote him a letter -- "mea culpa, mea culpa." She's learned the error of her ways. She wants to get back in touch with Gigi. SOOKIE: Translation -- she wants to get back with Christopher. LORELAI: No, I don't think so. She's dating someone. She's doing downward dog with some French yoga instructor. SOOKIE: Sherry "mani/pedi twice a week" Sherry is doing yoga? LORELAI: Allegedly. Who knows? But then Chris went on about sending Gigi To Paris with this 20-year-old nanny so that Gigi Can reconnect with her mom. SOOKIE: And you told him that's insane. LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: What? Why not? LORELAI: I don't know. Not saying what I think is not what I'm known for. If you know what I mean. SOOKIE: No, no, I don't it's not what you're known for. It's what you're not known for. I mean, it's not what your not... you're usually quite frank. LORELAI: I know. SOOKIE: It sounds like you're not quite comfortable talking to Christopher. LORELAI: That's the thing. I am. SOOKIE: Well, then why didn't you? LORELAI: Because in my head, I wasn't talking to Christopher. I mean in the park I was talking to Christopher but in my head, I was talking to Luke. SOOKIE: Oh, honey, of course you were. LORELAI: No, I-I don't mean it like I missed him. I mean it like Luke is the one who didn't want me getting involved in his kid's life, not Chris. Chris is open to what I think. Chris is open to me. [Scoffs] Christopher is not Luke. SOOKIE: Nope, Christopher is not Luke. LORELAI: Why aren't all nutritious things in soda form? SOOKIE: That's a good question. LORELAI: I swear I would eat my vegetables if only they were fizzy. [cell phone rings] Yay, Rory! Hello? RORY: Hey, what's going on? LORELAI: Uh, well Stars Hollow smells like pickles. RORY: Pickles? LORELAI: Pickles. RORY: Pickles pickles? LORELAI: Pickles. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because a pickle train crashed. RORY: Is this a joke, is this a long, boring joke that I'm not going to get? LORELAI: No it's no joke the town smells like pickles because a pickle train was derailed. RORY: A train full of pickles? Who knew there was such a thing? LORELAI: Well, pickle-train conductors, for one. Sounds so fun. I would've been the greatest pickle-train conductor. Can you see me -- "all aboard, you pickles!" RORY: Hmm. Clearly you missed your calling. LORELAI: Well, luckily there's you. You're young, you're clever, you're our great pickle-train conducting hope. RORY: I can't believe I'm missing this. LORELAI: Well you can celebrate next year on the anniversary. Now what's going on with you? RORY: Well, I can't make it to Friday night dinner tonight, but I have a very good excuse. LORELAI: Pickle-train conducting seminar? RORY: Logan's in town. LORELAI: [Gasps] No way! RORY: Yeah, he showed up last night. It was a total surprise. LORELAI: I can't believe you let me go on about pickle-train conducting when you had actual news. RORY: You had news. Stars hollow smells like pickles. I can completely see that scrolling along the CNN crawl. LORELAI: Logan in town is totally pre-pickle news. How long is he here for? RORY: 6 1/2 more hours. He flew in yesterday, bought a company, and he's flying back out tonight. LORELAI: Oh my God, what are you guys gonna do with your precious remaining hours? Or don't I want to know? RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Well, because you might be farming rutabagas or something, and I wouldn't want to know 'cause -- boring. RORY: Well, tonight I'm meeting him in Manhattan to celebrate. LORELAI: Fancy restaurant? RORY: Rutabaga farm, actually. Oh, but I'm sorry about dinner. I did not mean to abandon you in your time of need. LORELAI: No worries I'm not gonna be defenseless. I'm bringing your dad. RORY: Really? Wow! LORELAI: Yeah, thought it was time he meet the parents. RORY: Okay, that is pre-pickle news, my friend. LORELAI: Oh, this conversation's been a disaster, hasn't it? RORY: Yes, it has. LORELAI: All right. Bring-bring. Hi, Rory. How are you? RORY: Hi, mom. Logan's in town. LORELAI: Oh, my goodness. That's wonderful. RORY: We're farming rutabagas. LORELAI: Oh, you're a filthy child. I will disown you. Bringing your father to dinner. Pickles, pickles, pickles, smell, pickle-train conducting. RORY: Alas, alack. LORELAI: Good talk. RORY: The best. LORELAI: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] MANHATTAN RESTAURANT [Rory enters] MAITRE D': Good evening, I'll take that. RORY: [handing over a wrap] Thank you. Um, I'm just meeting someone. Ahoy, my captain of industry! LOGAN: Ace! RORY: Hey, where is your uniform? I was expecting the whole works -- a spiffy hat, shiny shoes, epaulets with scrambled eggs on them. LOGAN: Scrambled eggs on my clothes? What you must think of me. You look gorgeous. RORY: Thanks. [they kiss] LOGAN: Though I was hoping you'd wear a nice little saiLor's middy. You look so cute in a middy. RORY: Oh, I'd love to wear a middy. And a little sailor hat, like the stay puft marshmallow man. LOGAN: Because who doesn't want to date a giant humanoid marshmallow? RORY: I'm so proud of you. LORELAI: Mmm. Come on. Our table's over here. RORY: Okay. LOGAN: Everybody, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Rory. NICK: Such a pleasure, Rory. I'm Nick. RORY: Hi LOGAN: And this is Phillip. PHILLIP: Nice to meet you. RORY: You too. BOBBI: And I'm Bobbi. So, so glad you could join us. RORY: [taken back by the beautiful blond] Bobbi, um...yeah, me too. I'm so glad I could make it. How are you? BOBBI: I'm brilliant, actually. We had quite a day. Shall we order another bottle of champers, boys? LOGAN: Absolutely. BOBBI: Good. I'm parched. [to Rory] Do you drink? RORY: What? Um, yeah, sure. LOGAN: Here. Sit, sit. PHILLIP: Food let's please get food. I haven't eaten since the waffles. NICK: Good god did you eat those? PHILLIP: It would have been rude not to. NICK: You eat anything. You astound me. LOGAN: You're like a human garbage disposal. BOBBI: It's appalling, Phillip. Really it is. You now what you should do, you should go on one of those, um, American reality TV series and showcase your talents. LOGAN: There are these huge waffles at the breakfast this morning. RORY: And Phillip ate them. I'm catching on. NICK: Logan I know we're celebrating, but I'm concerned about our budget for this project. From a strictly economical perspective do we really want to blow everything on feeding Phillip tonight? LOGAN: Somebody's got to crunch the numbers. PHILLIP: It's true. The numbers do not crunch themselves. Ergo, the number cruncher must be fed. [Laughs all round] BOBBI: So, Rory, I've heard so much about you! RORY: [flustered] Oh, yeah? BOBBI: Logan has talked my ear off about you. RORY: Oh, yeah, yeah. Me too. He's talked my ear off about you and all of you. All of you, I mean, I'm practically Van Gogh from my earlessness. BOBBI: Did we order champagne? Logan, your girlfriend must be parched. LOGAN: Oh, excuse me, miss. I think we'd like another bottle, over here please. PHILLIP: Oh, and bring another bread plate. BOBBI: [Gasps, scoffs] You're amazing. NICK: Ridiculous. PHILLIP: I'm hungry. CHRIS' CAR - NIGHT TIME [Music plays] LORELAI: oh, no. You know my rule about hair bands. CHRISTOPHER: My car, my tunes. LORELAI: Really? You're gonna say, "tunes"? CHRISTOPHER: You got a lot of rules, lady. LORELAI: Not a lot. It's just no saying "killer," no saying "whack," no saying "rockin'" or "pimping" or "slamming," capisce? CHRISTOPHER: Fo' shizzle. LORELAI: There's got to be an eject button here somewhere. CHRISTOPHER: How's this for an idea -- weekend away, the two of us? LORELAI: [Gasps] That's great for an idea. Ooh! Ooh! I know the perfect place. CHRISTOPHER: Don't say "Dollywood." Please don't, don't say "Dollywood." LORELAI: The ice hotel. CHRISTOPHER: The what? LORELAI: The ice hotel. It's amazing. I read about it in the travel section. It's a hotel totally made of ice. The roof is ice. The floors are ice. The chairs are ice. Chandeliers are ice. CHRISTOPHER: I think I'm beginning to get the picture. Wouldn't it be amazing if you went down the hall and the ice machine was empty? LORELAI: It is amazing. CHRISTOPHER: Amazingly cold. LORELAI: No. You get to wear parkas and fur hats. CHRISTOPHER: "Get to"? LORELAI: And you sleep under reindeer skins. You eat reindeer meat. CHRISTOPHER: Again, "get to"? LORELAI: You drink Vodka. That's a good "get to." CHRISTOPHER: Hey, how's this for an idea? We can drink vodka in Bermuda. LORELAI: [Chuckles] The ice hotel in Bermuda would totally melt. CHRISTOPHER: We'll do two weekends away. First the ice hotel. Then once we've been treated for frostbite and had our stomachs pumped of reindeer meat, we'll go defrost on a beach somewhere. I mean, we've got the time. Gigi's gonna be in Paris for a couple of months. LORELAI: [Sighs] CHRISTOPHER: What? You're not down with the whole beach thing? LORELAI: No, it's...more the whole Paris thing. CHRISTOPHER: Yes? LORELAI: I-I'm just... I'm not sure it's such a good idea that Gigi Goes to Paris. CHRISTOPHER: Meaning? LORELAI: Well, she's only 4 years old. She barely even knows Sherry. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, but Sherry's her mother. LORELAI: A mother she hasn't seen in two years. CHRISTOPHER: Look, Sherry's doing really well. You read her letter. And I think I've been doing a really good job with Gigi LORELAI: Oh, honey. Amazing. CHRISTOPHER: But it's hard, you know? I-it's -- it's really hard, and Gigi needs her mom. And if I can help bring them both back together, I-I-I want to do that. I have to do that. LORELAI: I know, I get that. I just -- I think maybe you should put a little more thought into it, you know, before you send a toddler on an airplane with an 18-year-old nanny who's totally psyched to go to France. CHRISTOPHER: The nanny's 25. LORELAI: Oh, oh, okay, then. CHRISTOPHER: Like the nanny's really your problem here. LORELAI: Well, I mean, it's not an un-problem, you know? I think you should just consider it more carefully or maybe go yourself. CHRISTOPHER: Look, I read her letter -- LORELAI: oh, my god! Enough! Enough with the letter already. GILMORE MANSION [They pull up at the Gilmore mansion and get out of the car.] CHRISTOPHER: I get it. LORELAI: What do you get? CHRISTOPHER: This is about you being threatened by Sherry. LORELAI: Oh, no. Give me a break. CHRISTOPHER: You never liked her. LORELAI: No, I didn't, but I don't like the new mailman either. Doesn't mean I'm threatened by him. This is about me thinking I could speak openly and honestly about my concerns without getting freaked out on. CHRISTOPHER: Nice. Real nice. LORELAI: Honey, what is going on with you? CHRISTOPHER: What's going on with you, Lor? LORELAI: Look, can we drop this, please, and try and have a nice evening? CHRISTOPHER: It's dropped. [They door opens] EMILY: Well, hello, hello! Richard, they're here. Don't you two look marvelous? Well, don't just stand there. Come in, come in. MANHATTAN - RESTAURANT LOGAN: It was the way he kept saying "intellectual property." Each time he said it I could feel the whole deal just slipping through our fingers. PHILLIP: He was like, "intellectual property, intellectual property." LOGAN: "Which is like my property, my property, my property." BOBBI: "I invented it, I invented it." NICK: "We won't sell, We won't sell." LOGAN: "And it's slipping, slipping." PHILLIP: I'm looking at Nick trying to convey through subtle dilations of my pupils that we simply cannot offer any more money. NICK: And I'm looking at Phillip who's looking at me like, like he's hopped up on some sort of methamphetamine. LOGAN: Slipping, slipping, and it looks like we lost him, and then Bobbi. PHILLIP: Bobbi makes a bold choice. NICK: What does she do? LOGAN: She just stands up. NICK: She does. PHILLIP: She just stands up! RORY: Wow. LOGAN: She stands up like she can't take it anymore, and she says, "meeting's over, boys." RORY: That must have been crazy. NICK: It was amazing. I'm sitting here, and she's here, and she stands up. And I look over, and all I see is legs, legs, legs and this look on her face like "ohh, no." It was brilliant Do it, Bobbi. Stand up. BOBBI: Knock it off. LOGAN: Come on, Bobbi. [to Rory] You got to see this. PHILLIP: But we insist. NICK: Please? BOBBI: Fine. But just to shut you lot up. I suppose it was something like, um... [gets up] ...meeting's over, boys. NICK: Whoo! LOGAN: Whoo! Well done! Amazing Hu! NICK: We need another bottle! PHILLIP: And dessert. Don't we need a little sweet or something? BOBBI: So, Rory, we've barely had the opportunity to speak all night. RORY: I know. BOBBI: How's school? What's your major? RORY: English. BOBBI: Oh, god, how fantastic. I swear when I was at oxford, I did nothing but read literature. It was such a luxury. RORY: That's one way to look at it. BOBBI: Oh, I long for those days. Just reading books, thinking. RORY: I do like thinking. BOBBI: Enjoy it while it lasts. Before you know it, you'll be out in the real world, with the rest of us poor sods. RORY: Seems like you manage to have some fun. BOBBI: Well Logan is a big part of that. He is such a laugh. RORY: He's actually a lot more serious than you might think. It probably takes a long time to get to know that side of him, the serious side. BOBBI: Oh, you two are so adorable. RORY: Thanks. PHILLIP: Hey, not so fast! We're still working on getting the next round. Another sloe gin fizz, please. Oh, and don't get too excited, fellas. I'm just going to the loo. LOGAN: Yes! That's it! NICK: Amazing! Magnificent! PHILLIP: We fold, we fold. Thank you, thank you very much. And feel free to say all sorts of cheeky things about me while I'm gone. LOGAN: Isn't she a riot? RORY: Hilarious. GILMORE MANSION - DINNING ROOM [Dinner is under way, Chris and Lorelai do not look pleased with each other.] RICHARD: Well, naturally I thought they were referring to the archduke. So I jumped in, as who wouldn't? With some thoughts about the various conspiracy theories surrounding his infamous assassination in Sarajevo. Imagine my surprise when I learned that Franz Ferdinand was the name of a very popular rock-'n'-roll band. EMILY: [Laughs] That's what he gets for trying to fraternize after class with his students. RICHARD: One of them even offered to burn a CD for me. [Chuckles] EMILY: So, tell me. How are the salads? LORELAI: Good, mom. CHRISTOPHER: I like the pear. EMILY: Do you? CHRISTOPHER: Umm. EMILY: I'm so glad. RICHARD: Tastes very fresh. EMILY: Well, pears this time of year can dress up any salad. Oh, Richard, did you tell them about midterms? Lorelei, did your father mention midterms? LORELAI: No, he didn't. How were midterms, dad? RICHARD: Well as you know, midterms separate the wheat from the chaff. Although I don't actually have to grade any of their papers or tests. They have these marvelous teaching assistants that handle all that sort of things for you. EMILY: Thank you, Hildegard. Christopher, I hope you like lamb. When I found out you were coming I decided we had to serve something special. And to me, special means lamb. Oh, it just makes me so happy to see the two of you sitting here together. It's so much fun. CHRISTOPHER: It's very nice to be here. EMILY: Tennis! RICHARD: Emily? EMILY: That's one of the things we can do together as a foursome, now that Lorelei and Christopher are an item. RICHARD: That's right. We do need new people for doubles. EMILY: We've been playing with that awful Bunny Ferguson and her husband, whatever his name is. RICHARD: They are dreadful. EMILY: The way Bunny Ferguson grunts -- oh! I mean, it's one thing if you're Maria Sharapova and you're 120 pounds and a 7-foot blond teenager. But if you're 5'3"... RICHARD: And 53... EMILY: and wearing plaid -- did you see that skirt she wore the last time we played them? RICHARD: I can only think that it was designed to cause some sort of optic misfunction. EMILY: So then you'll play with us? Lorelei? LORELAI: Hmm? Yes, fine, great. EMILY: It's a date. How does the Saturday after next work for everyone? LORELAI: Sure. EMILY: Ah, here's the lamb. You do like lamb Christopher? I'm afraid I never let you answer. CHRISTOPHER: I do, the funny thing is, I never did when I was a kid, but I do now. I guess I've changed. People do that sometimes. LORELAI: [Scoffs] EMILY: That's so true. What a clever observation. It's like you and radishes. RICHARD: Exactly. EMILY: Your father used to hate radishes, thought they were discussing. RICHARD: Well, they are roots. It's a little unappealing. EMILY: And then one summer in aspen, he fell off a horse, and suddenly he loved radishes. That whole summer, he was radish-crazy. RICHARD: It's true. I do like radishes to this day. LORELAI: That's funny. EMILY: Isn't it? LORELAI: Yes. I don't like radishes. I guess it's because I find them threatening. EMILY: What a peculiar thing to say. LORELAI: Well radishes are a peculiar topic. RICHARD: All right. Since this is a special occasion of sorts, I should like to propose a toast. To many more nights like this, and to Lorelei and Christopher. Who knew 20-some-odd years ago that we would be making dates to play doubles tennis? EMILY: And bridge. You absolutely have to join us for bridge. RICHARD: You two have come a long way since your days of rebellious youth, shall we say? EMILY: Derelicts. The word is derelicts. RICHARD: Emily! To Lorelei and Christopher. [They toast and drink] EMILY: They were derelicts. It's true. Remember when they stole that bottle of wine you'd been saving for 15 years? RICHARD: Well, 10 years. It was a '75 Margot. EMILY: And they had no idea how to use a corkscrew, so they just cracked the top off with a brick and slurped what they could off the patio. RICHARD: And look at them now. All grown up and drinking very nicely out of glasses. LORELAI: [To Chris] I need to see you in the bathroom. CHRISTOPHER: Fine. Excuse me. BATHROOM CHRISTOPHER: [Sighs] Uh, would you mind telling me what the hell... LORELAI: you're not Sherry. CHRISTOPHER: Excuse me? LORELAI: You've changed, Chris. CHRISTOPHER: What are you talking about? LORELAI: Maybe we were derelicts back then. But we were 16. We were just kids. You were just a kid. CHRISTOPHER: So? LORELAI: So, you leaving Rory when you were 16 is not at all the same as Sherry, a grown woman, packing up and living Gigi So I get why you we upset with me. Because when I'm criticizing Sherry, you feel like I'm criticizing you. But I'm -- I wasn't. I'm not. You've changed. You're not 16. You're not a kid. You're not Sherry. I get it. CHRISTOPHER: Wow, you get it. That's great, Lor. Thanks for telling me how I feel. [Chris leaves] MANHATTAN STREET LOGAN: You tired? RORY: I'm good. LOGAN: I could always have the car come pick us up at the corner. RORY: I'm fine. LOGAN: Hey, I know. I could carry you. RORY: Carry me? LOGAN: Yeah, piggyback, fireman's carry, in both arms -- your choice. RORY: No. [Chuckles] I'm really fine. LOGAN: Wow, okay. So, I guess something's really wrong. RORY: Just because I don't want to be fireman carried doesn't mean that something is wrong. LOGAN: But something is wrong. RORY: No, it's just... LOGAN: Just? RORY: This isn't exactly what I expected tonight. I was just a little confused, I guess. You called. You were so excited. You said, "celebrate." I thought it was gonna be just us. LOGAN: Last night was just us. RORY: I know, and it was also perfect and romantic. And the more I talk about it, the more I feel stupid for even bringing this up. LOGAN: Look, I'm sorry I wasn't clear on the phone. I'm sorry that you didn't have a good time tonight. RORY: Well, no, it's not that. I mean, I get it. The guys are great. Okay. But, technically Bobbi, well, she's not exactly a guy. LOGAN: Yeah, you got me there. RORY: And until about three hours ago, I thought that she was a guy. You know why? Because you never use personal pronouns -- "she," "her." I mean, would that have been so unbelievably difficult to fit into a conversation? I don't know about you, but most of the Bobby's I know are guys -- Bobby Kennedy, Bobby Brady, Bobby Knight, Bobby Brown. You're smiling at me. Why are smiling at me? LOGAN: Because you are very cute when you're jealous. RORY: I'm not jealous. LOGAN: Rory. RORY: Oh, and it's not just that. I mean, it was everything. It was not feeling like I was included. I mean, no one all night asked me anything about me. LOGAN: Bobbi asked you about you. RORY: Yeah, and how condescending was she? [Imitating Bobbi] "It's such a luxury to read literature." And did you hear what she called us? "Adorable." She called us an adorable couple. LOGAN: Wait, she said that out loud? RORY: Yes, adorable. LOGAN: Wow, you want me to go back there and kick her ass? RORY: "Adorable" is what you say about a "full house" rerun. It's not what you say about something that lasts. The great wall of china, the pyramids -- no one ever called them "adorable." And excuse me, but how many times does a girl need to stand up at dinner? Yes, you have legs. We get it. "Oh, no, I'm not leaving. I'm just going to the loo." Here's a tip. You're in America now. Speak English. LOGAN: Okay so just to clarify, in the future, you would prefer I work only with girls who have no legs. RORY: You're not taking me seriously. LOGAN: Because you're not being serious. Bobbi is my colleague. She's great at what she does. She's smart. She's talented. Nick has great legs, too. Maybe before you rush to judgment, you should check his out. RORY: Great so now I'm not just an idiot, I'm an anti-feminist idiot, an anti-feminist who's standing here in the street arguing about things I don't really want to be arguing about. LOGAN: You don't? RORY: No. Do you think I like feeling this way? I mean, I haven't seen you for months and months, and now you're in town for what? 26 hours? And in that time, I can't just get happy and act like a fruit fly? LOGAN: Mayfly. RORY: I can't just live in the moment and enjoy the 26 great hours ahead of me? I have to be sulky and miserable while all the other fruit flies share private jokes with my boyfriend? You think I like this about myself? Wrong. I hate myself for being this way. I hate Bobbi for her professionally tweezed eyebrows and her oh-so-incredible ability to stand up at a moment's notice. And most of all, I hate the fact that in a few seconds you'll be in that car leaving me again. LOGAN: That is a hell of a long way to go just to say, "I miss you." RORY: Any thoughts in response? LOGAN: I miss you, too, Ace. RORY: Five words. You only used five words. LOGAN: Yeah, well, I'm not done yet. [they start to kiss] GILMORE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Chris and Lorelai look bored] EMILY: Of course, this time of year, so many people start playing that awful winter tennis with the chicken-wire cages and the heated courts. RICHARD: Platform tennis can be very enjoyable, Emily. EMILY: Yes, but it looks ridiculous, like glorified ping-pong. If I wanted to play ping-pong, I would -- well, if I wanted to play ping-pong, I would kill myself. RICHARD: Well, I hope you're still good with a racket, Christopher. Lorelei was always hopeless. As a child, we took her to an ophthalmologist to test her depth perception. He could find no rational reason for it. CHRISTOPHER: [Ignoring Richard and speaking to Lorelai.] I know I'm not Sherry. EMILY: I'm sorry. Did he serve you Sherry? Richard there has been some mistake, Christopher's drink was supposed to be port. CHRISTOPHER: [To Lorelai] Come to Paris with me. LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: You were right. I should take Gigi myself, check everything out. EMILY: Check what out? RICHARD: Paris. I think they want to check out Paris. CHRISTOPHER: Come on. You can't say "no." I mean, you can, but don't, and maybe there's even a Parisian ice hotel we can stay in. LORELAI: Yes. I mean, no, there is no ice hotel. But I'll stay in one made of stone or bricks or whatever Paris hotels are made of. CHRISTOPHER: We can blast the air-conditioning and drink all the vodka you want. EMILY: What on earth... LORELAI: Tat sounds great. EMILY: What happened when you went to the powder room? One minute, we're sitting here having dessert. And the next, you're talking about Paris. LORELAI: Well, Chris and I are going to Paris. CHRISTOPHER: In just a couple of weeks, actually. I'm so sorry Emily we're gonna have to take a rain check on that tennis date. LORELAI: Yeah, till the 12th of never 'cause we wouldn't play tennis or golf or bridge or any game that could be played in a foursome -- except hangman and sometimes Pictionary. EMILY: What has gotten into you? You were being so pleasant. LORELAI: Mmm, what is this? This looks good. EMILY: "What is it"? I told you 20 minutes ago. It's Rhubarb pie. LORELAI: Hmm. Is it still Rhubarb pie? EMILY: I swear I was having the most wonderful time. LORELAI: Is Rhubarb a root, dad? RICHARD: No. [Rory enters the room] RORY: Hi, everyone. LORELAI: Honey! RORY: Hello. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. RORY: Am I late? EMILY: Of course not, Rory. LORELAI: You're just in time for Rooty Rhubarb pie, and for the viewing of mom's mug shot. EMILY: Rory, stop her. RORY: I'm sure you look very nice, grandma. CHRISTOPHER: You are very photogenic, Emily. LORELAI: Ooh! What am I saying? I have pictures on my phone. Gather 'round the phone, everybody. [Richard gets up] EMILY: Richard, what are you doing? Oh, nothing. Nothing. Oh! [Chuckles] These new phones are amazing. RORY: Are those handcuffs? Grandma, are you wearing handcuffs? EMILY: I certainly was not. CHRISTOPHER: No they gave her one of those ankle things with like a chain and cannonball on the end. EMILY: Christopher! LORELAI: Oh and the stripy outfit, tell Rory how they made you wear the stripy outfit, mom. [Laughs] RICHARD: Oh! CHRISTOPHER'S CAR [Chris finds some music, Jewel "Who Will Save Your Soul"] LORELAI: No. [Changes the music, Slade "Come On feel The Noize"] RORY: No. [Changes it again.] LORELAI & RORY: No! CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] [Changes it again, Jay and the Americans "Come a Little Bit Closer"] LORELAI & RORY: Yeah, yeah, yeah! LORELAI: Stop there! [Lorelai looks happy, as does Chris and Rory, As the enter Stars Hollow they all smell the pickles again "Ugh. [Coughs]"]

Emily and Richard are delighted when Lorelai and Christopher attend Friday night dinner together as a couple. Christopher reveals that Sherry has written him a letter saying she regrets leaving their daughter, Gigi, and asking him to send Gigi to visit her in Paris. Lorelai can't believe that Chris would consider this and they get into an argument over dinner. Logan returns to town on business to acquire an internet company and pays Rory a surprise visit. Rory is thrilled, but during a dinner with Logan's colleagues, she realizes that she has no connection to his new life.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_01x08

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_01x08_0

THE YEAR 2030 LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: So kids, there are many buildings New York City. EXT. NEW YORK CITY BUILDINGS Future Ted: Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of that place. EXT. APARTMENT (Marshall sitting on couch playing video game) Future Ted VO: Marshall playing video games. (Lily painting on fire escape, drops paintbrush) Future Ted VO: Lily painting on the fire escape. Mr. Madsen: Hey! Lily: Sorry, Mr. Madsen. (Ted in kitchen making coffee) Future Ted VO: And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky Ted: Plugging in. Marshall: Saving game. (Ted plugs in coffeemaker and lights flicker and Ted gets shocked) (Interior shots of apartment) Future Ted VO: I loved every last detail of that place. Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall. I never wanted any of it to change. But that's not how life works. (Marshall and Ted sitting in living room, Lily and Robin enter through front door holding four paper bags) Lily: You guys will never believe what just happened to us. Robin: I don't even believe it myself. Lily: We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment. INT. LIVING ROOM, YEAR 2030 (Daugher and Son sitting on couch looking bewildered) Daughter: Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall. EXT. STREET (flashback to Lily and Robin walking to Lily's apartment) Lily: I could see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing. Robin: When was the last time you were there? Lily: Three months ago. (Robin laughs) Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there. (Lily and Robin stop walking, Lily looks confused) Lily: What the hell? Robin: What? Lily: This is my apartment. Robin: Where? Lily: Right here. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT (Lily and Robin enter through front door) Lily: What the hell? Robin: Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant. Lily: No, no, this was my apartment. My dresser was right... (Lily looks around to point out to Robin where her dresser would be) Lily: That's my dresser! And this is my closet. (Lily opens closet door) And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain. (Lily and Robin look at something on carpet) (Waitress walks in from kitchen) Waitress: Hi, how many? (Lily looks up at Waitress) Waitress: Lily. Lily: Yes, you know me? Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person. Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff? Waitress: It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. You want it to go? Lily: This is my apartment! Waitress: Not anymore. INT. APARTMENT (back to Lily and Robin telling this story to Ted and Marshall) Ted: No way. You're making this up. Marshall: Yeah, the building would have had to give you some sort of notice. (back to Chinese restaurant flashback) Waitress: They sent you a notice about this. Lily: When? Waitress: Three months ago. Here's your mail minus the magazines. (back to everyone in apartment) Marshall: Well, still, legally, they can't just toss you out onto the street. You have a lease. (back to Chinese restaurant scene) Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy. (Lily turns to Robin) Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still... (Lily turns back to Waitress) Lily: She's dead, isn't she? Waitress: Never even saw the bus. INT. APARTMENT Lily: My apartment is a Chinese restaurant. What am I gonna do? Ted: Come live with us. Lily: Really? Ted: Of course. Marshall: You sure about this, Ted? Ted: Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything. INT. BAR (Barney, Robin and Ted sit at booth) Barney: No, it's like it'll change everything. Oh, Ted, you are so screwed. Ted: What? What are you talking about? Robin: And why is that girl checking you out? (Girl at another table is looking at Barney) Barney: Because I look good. Now focus, you and Marshall are roommates. You have an amazing apartment. Marshall and Lily just got engaged Ted: Yeah, so? Barney: So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? Someone's going to move out. So who's it gonna be? Robin: Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. You talked about who gets the apartment, right? Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it. (flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment) Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment? Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that? Marshall: Who? Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall. Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it. (back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar) Ted: Dammit Past Ted Barney: You blew it, dude. Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. They're edging you out. Ted: That's crazy. They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend. (Barney exhales loudly) Ted: One of my best friends. He wouldn't do that to me. Barney: Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Ted. Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment. Robin: Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid. OK, seriously, what is this girl's deal? (Girl at other table waves at Barney, Barney waves back) Barney: Sort of on a date with her. Ted: What? Barney: I found her online. I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. I'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who I can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. (evil laugh) But this girl, she wants the same stuff and it's bumming me out. All right, Ted, call me from the hospital. Ted: All right. Robin: You're going to the hospital? Ted: No, see, he's gonna go back over there and I'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital. Robin: Oh, Lord, fake emergency? That is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. I expect more from you, Barney. Barney: Well, stay tuned, I'm working on some stuff. But in the meantime, wish me luck. (Barney gets up to sit with Girl) Robin: So, are you gonna talk to Marshall? Ted: He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment. It's gonna lead to an argument, so no. Robin: Hm, that's real healthy. So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it. Ted: I should really make this call. (Ted takes out his cell phone and starts dialing) Robin: Ooh, can I do it? (Ted pushes phone over to Robin) (Barney's phone rings, he answers) Barney: Hello? Robin: Hi there, sexy. Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up? Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff. Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK? Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy. Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter? Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate. Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there. (Barney stammers and gets up to leave, walks by Ted and Robin's booth) Barney: See you guys later. (Barney walks out of bar) INT. APARTMENT (Lily is painting by fireplace, Ted is sitting on couch drinking coffee, Marshall is at table studying) Ted: Ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. I think it's a good setup. (Marshall smiles at Ted and Lily, Lily smiles back) Ted: Man, this coffee's great. It's really great. Too great. (Ted puts down coffee cup and runs to kitchen and sees a different coffeemaker) Ted: What happened to Shocky? (Ted notices Shocky in trash can and gasps) (Ted carries new coffeemaker into living room) Ted: What's this? Lily: My coffeemaker from my apartment. Makes great coffee, right? Ted: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so does Shocky. Marshall: Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty. Ted: Yeah, no, it did. I mean, I kinda liked the rusty taste. I'm used to it. I don't know. Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you. Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee. Ted: That's great. You're right. Roomies! I love it. INT. BAR (Robin, Ted and Barney sitting at table) Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't' believe it but you're right. Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one. Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she! Ted: It's not just the coffeemaker. INT. APARTMENT (Lily painting, Marshall studying close by, Ted walks into living room from his bedroom) Lily: Done. The painting's done. Marshall: That is great. Ted: Nice. Marshall: Where do you wanna hang it? Lily: I don't know. Um, over the piano? Ted: Yeah, that would be a good place for it. Too bad the swords are there. We kinda love those swords. Marshall: Well, those swords have been up there a long time. Ted: I know, right? I'd really miss them too. So, maybe Marshall's room? Lily: OK. INT. BAR (Robin, Ted, and Barney at table) Ted: He was gonna take the swords down. Can you believe that? Robin: Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend. (Barney makes protest sounds) Robin: One of your best friends. The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication. Barney: Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now it's time to counter-strike. Ted: Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do? Barney: You gotta mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet. You gotta do something big. Ted: What, like buy a new sofa? Barney: Bigger. (Barney looks over and sees Katie enter bar) Barney: Katie's here. OK, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law. Robin: A lemon law, like for cars. Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh? Huh? The lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now. (Barney walks over to booth where Katie is sitting and sits down) Barney: Hi Katie. Barney. Katie: Hi, it's good to finally meet you. (Barney looks over at Ted and looks back at Katie) Barney: Hm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history. (Barney talks to Katie and she gets up to leave) Barney (yelling to Katie as she leaves): Tell your friends. Barney (to Robin and Ted at other table): It's gonna be a thing. [SCENE_BREAK] KITCHEN (Marshall making sandwich, Lily grabs some drinks from the refrigerator) Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese. Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's. Lily: He's not cool with me moving in. Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you. Lily: So, what's he PMS'ing about? (Lily and Marshall take food into other room to eat at table) Marshall: I don't know. But when he's ready to talk to me about it he'll come and talk to me about it. Lily: Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything. (knock on front door) Lily: He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive. Marshall: You clearly don't know Ted. (Marshall opens front door) Delivery guy: Delivery for Ted Mosby. LIVING ROOM (Marshall sitting on couch, large red phone booth is next to couch, Ted walks in through front door) Marshall: Your English phone booth arrived. Ted: Oh, awesome. It's great, right? Marshall: Yeah, I guess. Just not sure if Lily's gonna like it. Ted: Well, I like it, so I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool. Marshall: Of course, we all live here so we should all be able to have things the way we want them. Ted: Exactly. Marshall: Great Marshall: Terrific. (Marshall walks over to painting) Marshall: You like the phone booth. It stays. I like this painting so I'm just gonna hang it...right here on the wall. (Marshall takes swords down and throws them down on the ground, hangs painting in their place) Ted: Oh, so it's like that, is it? Marshall: Bring, bring. (Marshall walks over to phone booth and picks up phone) Marshall (in British accent): Oh hello governor, oh it's like isn't it? Cheerio. (hangs up phone) Marshall: Yeah, it's like that. Ted: I want this apartment. Marshall: Well, I want it too. BAR (Girl #2 standing at table Barney's sitting at) Girl #2: You're a jerk. (Girl #2 walks away) Barney: No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law, it's gonna be a thing! (Barney walks over to Robin at bar) Robin: For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society. Barney: No, wrong, lemon law is awesome. Robin: It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. You keep giving up on people so quickly, you're gonna miss out on something great. Barney: OK, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy. (Barney points over to geeky guy) Barney: You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two? Robin: Yes I do. For all I know, that guy's my soul-mate. Barney: Bad move, Scherbatsky. (Barney goes over to geeky guy) Barney: Hi, have you met Robin? Kevin: Hi. Robin: Hi. INT. APARTMENT (Ted and Marshall talking) Ted: All right Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're settling this. Marshall: Or we could flip a coin. Ted: Yeah, let's flip a coin. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: OK, I'm flipping it, here I go. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: OK, here I go. Marshall: Flip it. Ted: I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies. Marshall: That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh snap. What else you got? Ted: OK, I'm flipping. Heads or tails. Marshall: You don't need two rooms Ted: Heads or tails, Marshall. Like you need two rooms? Marshall: We might be starting a family soon. Ted: Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. It's gonna be at least three years. Marshall: It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control Two-zip. Ted: Oh, come on, you know damn well I move out that room's going unused. Marshall: Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know he cooks naked. Ted: Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down. (Ted runs over to the swords, picks up a sword) Ted: We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. And you took 'em down to make room for your fiance's stupid painting? Marshall: My fiancé...suddenly, she's my fiancé. (Marshall picks up other sword) Marshall: Lily's a part of who I am. And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are too. She's a bro by extension. Ted: I deserve this apartment, Marshall. (Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword) Marshall: No more than I do. (Marshall taps Ted's sword with his sword) Ted: Great, so let's flip for it. (Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword) Marshall: Flip it. (Ted gets ready to flip coin, Ted and Marshall start sword fighting) Ted: So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment? Marshall: I guess so. Ted: How are we doing this exactly? Is this like to the death? Marshall: We should probably figure that out. (Marshall swipes at Ted, Ted jumps back and falls into chair) Ted: It's OK, it's OK. (Ted gets up and goes to other side of room) Ted: Can I observe something? Marshall: That this is kinda awesome? Ted: Totally. Marshall: I can't believe we didn't do this before. Ted: I know! INT. RESTAURANT (Robin and Kevin sitting at table, waiter dressed in futuristic costume serves them drinks) Robin: Thank you. Kevin: I can't believe this. I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet. Robin: It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs. Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders. (Robin's cell phone rings) Robin: Just a second. (Robin answers her phone) Robin: Hello. (Barney on phone looking at his watch) Barney: (laughs) Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law. (Robin on phone) Robin: Leave me alone. (Barney on phone looking at his watch) Barney: 4:56, 4:57, 4:58. (Robin on phone) Robin: We're only just getting to know each other. (Barney on phone) Barney: Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital. (Robin hangs up phone) Robin: Sorry. Kevin: Let me guess, there's been a crazy accident and you have to go. Robin: No, I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours. Kevin: Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money. INT. APARTMENT (Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again) Marshall: That was awesome. Ted: I know. Marshall: Do it again. Ted: OK, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs. (Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again, Marshall jumps up and Ted swipes sword beneath his feet, the continue sword fight) Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair? Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo. Ted: What? Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic. Ted: Anhedonic? Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything. Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this. Marshall: I know, this rules. (Marshall and Ted continue sword fight) Marshall: Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down. Ted: That's OK, it led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it? Marshall: Yeah it did. (Marshall is standing on table and they lock swords) Marshall: You remember when we first got these swords? Ted: It was the day we moved in. (flashback to day they moved in, Marshall is assembling coffee table, Ted just mounted swords on wall) Ted: Congratulations, Marshall. We live in an apartment with swords on the wall. Marshall: List of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long. Crap. I'm missing one of the screws for this table Ted: Just use this wood glue, it'll hold. Marshall: Yeah. (back to present scene, Lily enters apartment through front door, table collapses under Marshall and he falls back towards front door, Lily screams, Ted screams with horror with hands to face) INT. RESTAURANT (Robin is on phone) Robin: Oh God, I'll be right there. (Robin hangs up phone) Robin: Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been stabbed with a sword. Kevin: Hab slosi quch! You have no honor. You know, if you felt this way you could have just been upfront. Robin: No, I swear that was a real call. I just...Oh forget it. (Robin gets up and leaves restaurant) INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA (Ted and Marshall sitting, Marshall's holding flowers) Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancé. Ted: Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancé? I'm kidding. Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment. Marshall: But you fought so bravely for it. Ted: I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...I don't know...for everything to stay the way it is. But I'm not gonna get that, so, seriously, take the place, it's yours. (Robin and Barney enter waiting area) Robin: Is she OK? Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine. Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie. (Ted, Marshall and Robin look at him surprised) Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie. INT. BAR (Barney sitting at table with Jackie) Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie O. Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you. INT. HOSPITAL WAITNG ROOM Barney: It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law. Robin: But you're totally... Ted: Just let him have this one. (Doctor exits examining room to go into waiting area) Doctor: All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table? Marshall: That's us. (Marshall and Ted get up and go into examining room) INT. EXAM ROOM (Ted and Marshall stand sheepishly in front of Lily, Lily sits on exam table with right shoulder bandaged) Lily: A sword fight? Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily. Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class who I teach not to run with scissors that my fiancé ran me through with a frickin' broad sword. Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through. Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me? Marshall: You're right. I'm sorry. We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won. Ted: Uh, you didn't win. I gave it to you. Marshall: Uh, you know, if I tried... Lily: Wait wait wait wait wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and videogames, and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new place. Marshall: Gonna miss the old place. (Marshall sits next to Lily) Lily: I will too. We're not getting married for like a year. Ted: Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem. Let that guy deal with it. Marshall: Totally. Lily: Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking but I'm starving. Marshall: Let's go get some dinner. Lily: I know just the place. INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT (Robin, Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Barney sitting around table) Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it. Lily: I told you. OK, a toast. (Everyone lifts their cup) Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff. (Everyone clinks glasses) Everyone: Here here. Cheers Barney: And to the lemon law. (Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him) Barney: Self-clink. (Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together) Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses. Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever. Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year. Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings. Marshall (on tape): I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.

When Lily decides to formally move into Marshall and Ted's apartment, Barney warns a skeptical Ted that the couple will eventually force him out. When Ted discovers that Lily replaced his beloved, but beat-up, coffee pot with a brand new one, he begins to think that Barney is right. Meanwhile, Barney invents a new dating law and tries to convince others to use it.

fd_Frasier_09x08

fd_Frasier_09x08_0

Act 1 Scene 1 - KACL Fade in. Frasier is on the air. Frasier: Welcome back, Seattle. Thank you for joining us for this, our two thousandth show. Hard to believe, isn't it Roz? Roz: No, that feels just about right. Frasier: Ah, yes, well what a festive day this is. No stop has been un-pulled. I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the anniversary luncheon spread supplied by our friends at Senor José Fong, home of the sweet and sour taco. Roz takes a bite of one. Frasier: And don't forget, a little later, we'll have Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, live in studio to congratulate me on my two thousandth show. Apparently, I hear through the grapevine, he is a big fan. Roz, what do we have next? Roz: It's time for another blooper. Frasier: Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer... [Roz grins sheepishly] didn't realize her microphone was on, during the show... Roz plugs in a cart. Roz: [on tape] Now what the [beep] is this!? You call this a [beep] paycheck?! How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]!? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]- damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place! Kenny has entered during this last sentence. As Frasier and Roz are cracking up listening to the tape, he leans over the guest mike. Kenny: Can't believe that wasn't voted number one. Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, it's our station manager, KACL's own Kenny Daly. Kenny: Listen, Doc, I got a special someone out there who'd like to say "Hello". Frasier: By all means, let's bring him in, Kenny. Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest has finally arrived. Please welcome... Bulldog Briscoe comes in and loudly barks, then hits his air horn. Frasier: ...Bulldog! Bulldog: Great to see you, Doc. Hey, Roz. Roz makes a gesture of greeting that looks suspiciously like "Up yours." Frasier: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's our old friend and former colleague, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. Thanks for coming down and helping me celebrate my two thousandth show. Bulldog: Yeah, yeah congrats. I didn't' think you'd last two weeks. Listen up, sports fans, Bulldog here! I know what you're all thinking: Bulldog's been gone too long. How can you get me back on the air? Okay, listen up. You send your cards and letters of support to Kenny Daly, KACL, PO Box.... Kenny steps in and waves to Frasier and Roz. Bill Gates is with him. Frasier: Bulldog, our special guest has arrived. Bulldog: PO Box 451, Seattle... Frasier: Bulldog! Would you and your noisemaker wait in Roz's booth? Bulldog: This is an air horn, Doc. Frasier: Yes, I was referring to that flapping hole above your chin, now get out! Bulldog leaves and Bill Gates comes in. Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, let's please welcome Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. Good to see you, sir. Bill sits down in the chair in front of the other mike. Bill: Sorry I was late. Frasier: That's quite all right. Bill: I was just talking to an old friend. Frasier: Yes. Noel passes by the window and flashes Bill the Vulcan "Live Long and Prosper" sign. Bill gives him a thumbs up as Frasier and Roz share a surprised look. Frasier: Well, I've got so many questions to ask you, why don't we just dive right in? I've been wondering, when did you first become a fan of my show? Roz: Excuse me, Warren from Kirkland is on line two. Frasier: Yes, Roz, I won't be taking any calls until after Mr. Gates has left. Roz: Actually, it's for Mr. Gates. Frasier: Well, go ahead, caller, you're on with Mr. Bill Gates. Warren: [v.o.] Yeah, hi, Mr. Gates. I bought your new Windows XP program and I'm about to install it as an upgrade. Do I have to make a boot disk? Bill: That's a very good question, you don't need to make a boot disk. You just put the CD in and it'll upgrade. Frasier: I hope that answers your question, Warren... Bill: It's a feature of XP, very quick, very smooth. Hey, this is fun. Frasier: Thank you for calling, Warren. Now, where were we? Roz: Can Mr. Gates take a few more calls? The board is lighting up! Wow, who knew we had a line seven? Frasier: Roz, I believe Mr. Gates is probably anxious to get on with the interview? Bill: No, no, I'm happy to. Frasier: Very well. Go ahead, caller. Estelle: [v.o.] Wow, Bill Gates, this is so cool! Bill: Thank you. Estelle: Hey, I have a question about multi-lingual user interface add-ons. What are those? Frasier takes off his headphones and goes to Roz's side of the booth. Bill: Well, the multi-lingual add-ons let you run Windows in different languages. You can use it in German or... Frasier: Can you believe that egomaniacal gasbag? He's taking over my show! Roz: Don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit? Bill: Who do we have next, Roz? Roz: We have Bob, from Freemont. He has a question about his laptop. Bill: Go ahead, Bob, I'm listening. The others happily watch as Frasier stands there, fuming. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier comes into his bedroom, lays his jacket on the bed and opens his briefcase. He takes out a tape. Frasier: Two thousand shows. He walks to the armoire and opens it, revealing a collection of all his shows. He put the tape in the next open slot and reverently passes a hand across the collection. Niles calls from the living room. Niles: Hurry up, Frasier, we're gonna miss the reservations! Frasier: Yeah, I'll be right there. He goes to his dressing room and puts on a different jacket. Coming back, he closes the armoire and heads for the living room, only to stop short, a disturbed look on his face. He goes back and opens up the armoire, then jerks in shock and gasps. CUT TO: the living room. Niles, Daphne and Martin are waiting for Frasier. Daphne: Two thousand shows. That's quite a milestone. Niles: It certainly is. Can anyone tell me what happened today? I forgot to listen. Martin: I just listened for five minutes in case he asks me what my favorite part was. Daphne: I just say the call from Tacoma. There's bound to be a call from Tacoma. Frasier comes out. Frasier: Excuse me, could I see all of you in my room for just a jiff? They follow him off. Martin: But I'm hungry! CUT TO: Frasier's room as the all come in. Frasier: Okay, are we all here? Good. Martin: What's wrong? Frasier: Something is amiss. He dramatically opens the armoire. Niles: I'll say. I always thought that was a sweater cubby. Frasier: Well it's not. It's a collection of all my shows. I was just examining my collection when I realized that someone had placed one of my tapes upside down. Martin gasps. Martin: What kind of sick, twisted... well, turn it right side up and let's go eat! You probably did it yourself! Frasier: All right, conceivably, but... I guarantee you I would never remove my tape from the case and replace it with "The Best of Hall and Oates." All right, I won't be mad, just tell me: who did this? The others just stand there. Frasier: Nobody did this? Martin: Tell you what, I did it. Now can we go eat? Frasier: Not so fast, Dad. Okay, let's examine the evidence. The others all let out groans. Martin sits down on the bed, Niles takes the desk chair, Daphne wanders back. Frasier: A Hall and Oates tape. That rules you out, Dad. And it definitely rules out Niles. Daphne: [in tears] Dr. Crane... Frasier: Or does it? Perhaps the tape is just a red herring, meant to throw me off the scent. A psychological game. There's only one of you that would combat me on that level. Daphne: I did it. Frasier: Ah-ha! Niles: You can't say "Ah ha", you thought it was me. Frasier: Why'd you do it, Daphne? Daphne: I didn't mean to. I was trying to listen to a tape in that boom box you gave me for Christmas. Only I wasn't getting any sound and I didn't know if it were the tape or the boom box and I didn't have any other tapes so I grabbed one of your tapes just to test the boom box out and it turns out it was the boom box after all. Only then I couldn't get it out of the boom box so I used a screwdriver to pry it out and I broke the tape, I'm so sorry. She sits down on the bed in tears, Niles gets up to comfort her. Niles: There, there, Daphne... Frasier: Stand down, Niles. He sits on the bed next to Daphne. Frasier: Daphne, do you realize what you've done? This isn't like any other tape you can go down to your local music shop and purchase, it's unique. And irreplaceable. Niles: Can't you just get the station to make you a copy? Frasier: Unless I get the station to make me another copy. Which of course I can. The only transgression here is that Daphne didn't come to me with the truth. Daphne: I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I will never to you lie again. Frasier: Well, if that's what you've learned, it was all worth it. So, what are we all sitting here for. I believe we all have a two thousandth show to celebrate. Frasier closes the armoire and they all get up and head out the door. Niles: Hear, hear. Frasier: So, did you all listen? Niles: Oh, did we. Martin: Great. Daphne: I especially liked that call from Tacoma. Frasier: Oh, which one? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - KACL Fade in. Frasier and Roz enter a room filled with boxes. Frasier: You know, in nine years this is the first time I've been down to the archives. Roz: Oh, my God, I remember this place. Frasier: Really? Roz: I came down here once after a Christmas party. Frasier: Whatever for? Roz: Well, I had a little too much champagne, and you know how you get a little lonely around the holidays? Bulldog comes from the back and smacks Roz on her backside. Bulldog: Brings back memories, huh, Roz? Frasier: Bulldog! Bulldog: That was some Christmas, huh? When Santa left a bit of Bulldog in your stockings? Roz: You're disgusting! Bulldog: What, I went too far? Why don't you come back here, I'll slip you an apology. Roz slaps him. Bulldog: Bulldog's still got it! Frasier: Bulldog, what the hell are you doing here? Bulldog: Oh, this is my new job. I, uh, catalogue the archive. You know, I clean up a bit. But I figure I'll be back on the air in no time, as long as I attack this job with my trademark "Can Do" attitude. Frasier: Great, then. We're looking for a copy of my show, episode 893. Bulldog: No can do. Frasier: What? Bulldog: What? I've only been here an hour, I don't even know where the john is. Where's my Powerbar? I had a Powerbar here. SOMEONE STOLE MY POWERBAR! THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! THIS IS... oh, here it is. He grabs it and goes out the back door. Roz: Frasier, here's a box marked "Best of Crane". Frasier: Oh, thanks Roz, let's have a look. Ah, good. He opens the box and finds it almost empty. Frasier: There's just a few tapes in here. All right, keep looking. Kenny comes in. Kenny: Oh, hey, Doc. Frasier: Kenny, just the man I was looking for. Listen, where are all the tapes of my shows kept? Kenny lifts the lid of the box. Kenny: You got 'em. Right there. Roz: Well, where are the rest of them? Frasier: Yes! Kenny: There are no rest. We record over them. I mean, look around, Doc, we've got a space problem down here. Bulldog comes in the back door. Bulldog: Hey, Kenny, where do you want me to put these snow tires? Kenny: Oh, put 'em right to my kids' bikes. He happily heads out the door. FADE OUT. IT'S A FANCY WAY TO SAY "FAVOR" Scene 4 - KACL Fade in. Frasier is on the air. Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. Before we go to the phones, I have a boon to ask of you. If any of you happens to have in your possession a tape of my broadcast from June 14, 1996, I am in need of a copy. You see, I understand that from time to time, people who call into my show record it, perhaps in order to review my advice or even to play it for some friends. Now, I realize this is a bit of a long shot, but it is the only missing tape of my collection and therefore of course has great sentimental value. Thanks for your consideration. Now, Roz, who's our first caller? Roz: We have Joe from Bachon Island on line one. Frasier: Go ahead Joe, I'm listening. Joe: [v.o.] About that missing tape... Frasier: Yes, yes? Joe: I know what you're going through. A couple years ago, I was in a taxi cab and lost a gold cuff link. Frasier: Yes, and this relates to my missing tape how? Joe: Well, it's missing and I'm bummed. It had the initials "J.S." on it. If anyone finds it, I'd love to have it back. Frasier: Yes, I'm sure you would, but unless it's about my missing tape, well then I would prefer to stick to calls about mental and emotional issues as usual. Thank you for your call. Who's our next caller, Roz? Roz: We have Phyllis from Green Lake. Frasier: Phyllis, go ahead, I'm listening. Phyllis: [v.o.] My cat ran away last Wednesday. She's orange with a white chest and one white paw... Frasier: Phyllis, all right. Hold on, hold on a minute! All right now, listen to me people. I don't want to turn this show into the lost and found bin of the airwaves. Phyllis, I'm going to let you finish your description of your cat and then we're going back to our regular show, all right? Phyllis: Okay. She has green eyes, a rhinestone collar, and when she's happy... The scene DISSOLVES to later. Frasier: Let's recap: in the last three hours, we have located a missing engagement ring, one lost cuff link, two missing cats, and we've actually reunited Eric from Belltown with his biological parents. Still, sadly, no sign of my missing tape. To that end, listeners, please scour you attics, basements, hope chests, whatever. Meantime, this is Doctor Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health. And don't forget to look behind things. He takes off his headset as Roz comes over from her side. Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Roz. It'll turn up, I mean it's only the first day. Word'll get around, I'm sure somebody has that tape. Roz: I just don't want you to get your hopes up too high. Chances are, that tape is gone for good. Frasier: Well, if that's the case, then so be it. Life will go on. He heads out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 5 - Frasier's bedroom. Frasier is trying to sleep, tossing and turning, but still staring at the empty spot in his collection. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 THE LOST WEEKEND Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier comes into the living room in his bathrobe. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. How was your nap? Frasier: Lovely. Daphne, could you make me a cup of tea, please, and whatever meal would be appropriate for this time of day? He plops down on the couch. Eddie puts his head in his lap while Daphne sits on the arm of the couch to comfort him. Daphne: Dr. Crane, you've been in bed all weekend. How about going for a nice walk? Frasier: No, thanks. Daphne: Well, how about going to a movie then? Take your mind off your troubles. Frasier: My car's in the shop. Daphne: You could take public transportation. Frasier lets out a little laugh, then quiets down again. The doorbell rings. Daphne: Oh, I wonder who this could be? [She opens the door.] Oh, look, it's your brother Niles, here for a visit. Niles: [entering, he speaks very slowly and clearly] Hello, Frasier, how are we today? Frasier: What the hell is wrong with the two of you? You'd think I'd been found walking in the park in my underwear, talking to pigeons. Daphne: Would we like a walk in the park? Frasier gets up and heads for his room. Niles follows. They meet Martin coming into the living room. Niles: All right, Frasier, Frasier wait... Martin: Hey, lookin' good, buddy. Frasier just keeps walking. Martin: Not any better, huh? Daphne: No, and I feel just awful. This is all my fault. Martin: Oh, come on. Daphne: I'm the one who ruined his treasured collection. Martin: Oh, all his crap is treasured. But look, don't feel bad. I've broken lots of his stuff. Daphne: I've never heard of you breaking anything. Martin: That's because I know how to cover my tracks. Take a look at that fertility god statue over there. It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean. Daphne goes over and looks closely. Daphne: Oh my God! This is a Tootsie Roll! That's brilliant! Martin: Aw, that's nothin'. Here, check out this vase. [he pulls down a piece of pottery] Two years ago Eddie and me were horsin' around and I knocked it over, it took me hours to glue it back together again. Daphne: Why, you can't even tell. I had no idea you were so devious. Martin: Come on, I'll show you how to make ginger ale look like fifty year-old brandy. CUT TO: Frasier's bedroom. Frasier is back in bed, Niles is sitting on a chair next to him. Frasier: Listen, Niles, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but frankly I am in no mood to endure therapy with my younger brother, no matter how well-intentioned. Niles: I am not trying to butt in, I'm just curious as to why this tape matters so much to you. Do you ever listen to these? Frasier: Once. When I had a date over. Proved a useful mood setter. Niles: Okay... Well, tell me this, then: do you ever intend to listen to any of the others? Frasier: Don't know. Niles: So, why is it so important to you to have each and every one of them? Frasier: Because it's a collection, Niles. That's what a collection is. Niles: Is it possible that a harmless collection has become an unhealthy obsession? Frasier: It's, it's just a hobby. All right? Niles: Or an obsession. Frasier: An eccentricity. Niles: Or an obsession. Frasier: You know, it's a quirk. That's it, I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky. Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill? Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you? He rolls over. Niles: Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards? Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine. Niles: Not from where I'm sitting. Martin comes in, holding a piece of paper. Martin: Hey, Fras! The station called, some guy has your tape. Frasier: Oh, uh, well, thanks, Dad. Yes, well, I'll tend to this by and by... He sets the paper down. Niles grabs it. Niles: All right, I'll get the car. Frasier: I'll put on some pants. Niles: Zipper goes in front. He leaves, Frasier glaring after him. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Tom's Apartment Fade in. Tom is bringing a plate of snacks out of the kitchen when there is a knock at the door. He answers it to find Frasier. Frasier: Hello. Tom: Hello, yes, Dr. Crane. Please come in. Please make yourself at home. Frasier: You must be Tom. Tom: And you must be the greatest radio talk show host ever! Frasier: You can call me Frasier. Niles: I think I'll wait outside. Tom: I didn't know you were bringing someone. Frasier: Oh, Tom, this is my brother Niles. Tom: Oh. Niles: Hello, Tom. Tom: Hi, yes. Uh, didn't you fill in on Frasier's show a couple of times? Niles: Well, yes actually I did. Tom: Yeah, yeah, you were all right. Niles: You flatter me. Tom: So, what's it like? Niles: Excuse me? Tom: Being Frasier Crane's brother? Being able to talk to him whenever you want, having access to that great brain twenty- four hours a day? Niles: You know, I think I left my lights on. Tom: No, no please, don't leave yet. Please, if you don't mind, I was hoping you'd take a picture of Frasier and I. Frasier: Well, of course he doesn't mind. Actually, I've even brought along an eight by ten photo, personalized, of course. Tom: Oh, my, that's really, I don't know... Frasier: Yes, I thought you might like that. Tom: I'll have to do some rearranging, but don't worry, I'll find some room for it somewhere. He opens the curtains on the back wall to reveal a wall full of signs, posters and photos of Frasier. He pins the new one in place. Niles: I, uh, thought that was a window. Tom: Yeah, well it was. Okay, I'm gonna go get the camera. He heads off. Niles: Frasier, this man is deeply disturbed. Frasier: Why? Because he has a few pictures of me on his wall? The phone rings. Niles: This man is obviously obsessed with you. Frasier: What is it with you? I'm obsessed, he's obsessed. I think you're the one who's obsessed with being obsessed. Niles: All right, I apologize. He's delightfully quirky. The answering machine picks up the phone. The outgoing message is Frasier's voice, recorded from the show. Machine: Go ahead caller, I'm listening. Caller: This is your mother, call me - and change that stupid message already! Tom comes back in the room with an instant camera. Tom: Aw, mom, get a life, why don't you? Here we go. [he sits on the couch, his arm around Frasier] Now I want to record this historic moment, because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out this was all part of a dream. Because I've had this dream before. Many times. Sometimes we're in London, sometimes we're in Paris, sometimes we're riding mules down the Grand Canyon. Frasier has begun to look nervous at this, but Niles takes the picture. Tom: Oh my God! This is gonna be the jewel of my collection. I'm gonna get a special frame for it and I'm gonna look at it while I'm listening to the show and I... Oh, wait a minute. Uh listen, uh Frasier's brother, your thumb was in front of the lens. If you don't mind, just one more. And you know what, bring that chair closer come over here for a second, sit there, this is gonna be great. [He urges Frasier over to the chair.] Sit there, just like that, and this time, why don't you act like you're giving me advice. Frasier: Right, all right. Tom, I was just wondering, have you ever called into the show? Tom: Me? Why would I call the show? Niles takes the picture again. Tom: Ooh! Did your head just touch that? Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Tom: Don't be. Tom grabs a plastic container and takes the doily from the back of the chair. Frasier: Oh, so, Tom. I take it you've been listening to the show for some time. Tom sits down and puts the doily in a plastic bag and then into the container. Tom: Are you kidding? From day one. I got so hooked that eventually I started taping them so that I didn't miss anything. I even was skipping out of work early so I could make sure to be home on time. Niles: So, Tom, in a way you could say your obsession with your collection was bringing your life to a standstill. Tom: Yes, yes exactly. Until I realized how ridiculous I was being. I mean, missing work to tape the show? Frasier: Good for you, Tom. So you could say that it's possible to have a passion for collecting without losing sight of your priorities. Tom: Yes, exactly. And that's why I quit my job. Oh, this turned out really nice. And you know, eventually, the money ran out so I got a gig as a night doorman. And that way, I could - oh [he takes the camera back from Niles] - I could, uh, you know listen to the show a second time on my Walkman and then I could do my transcriptions at work. Frasier: You transcribe the show? Tom: Well, you gotta have a backup. Frasier: Listen, Tom, you know I must confess I'm a bit concerned. I'm delighted to have you as a fan, I really am. But the whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives, and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours. I just... there should be more to life than... there should be more. Tom: Yes, but as you always say: Life is most fulfilling when spent in the pursuit of one's passions. Frasier: Yes, but as I've also said: Weave the tapestry of your life with many diverse threads. Tom: Ah, yes, but you added: Make sure to weave the pattern that pleases you most. Niles: "Weave the tapestry with diverse threads"? Tom: Yes, Frasier said all of these things, and many others. He is a genius. Would you like some guacamole? They all sit. Frasier: Yes, thanks Tom. Look, I don't really want to talk you into anything, it seems I've done enough of that already. [Tom hands him a chip with sauce on it.] Thank you. Tom, what I'm getting at here is that I think there could be more to your life than just my tapes and pictures. Now, if you'd be interested in exploring those issues further, I can recommend someone who'd be glad to talk with you. Behind Tom, Niles shakes his head and mouths "Not me." Tom: Why? I have you. Frasier: Thank you. Well, you know, I think it's time we got going. They all get up and Niles and Frasier head out the door. Tom: Oh no, so soon? Well I suppose someone like you has a lot of things they gotta do. I'm glad you could come at all. Please, stop by any time you want. Frasier: Thank you, Tom, it was a pleasure. Tom: Oh, don't forget your tape. Frasier: You know, Tom, I'd like you to keep that. Tom: But, this is the reason you came. Frasier: If I ever need it, I'll know where to find it. He leaves. Niles pauses in the doorway. Niles: Um, you know those shows where I sat in for Frasier? You wouldn't happen to have those tapes, would you? Tom: Sorry, I don't collect just anything. Niles, disappointed, leaves. FADE OUT. Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Daphne is on the couch, Martin is in his chair. Frasier and Niles come in the front. Martin: Hey, there he is. Did you get your tape back? Frasier: Actually, no I didn't. Daphne: What happened? Frasier: Daphne, tonight I saw an example of how an obsession can take over a man's life. I don't want to be that man. Therefore I chose to leave it and render my collection imperfect. But that's all right, you see, I don't need things to be perfect. He starts walking across the living room, then notices something. Frasier: Hello? Something's amiss. He picks up the pottery Martin showed Daphne and gasps. Frasier: My double-handled amphora! All right, no one leaves! He turns around to an empty living room. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is finishing his reworking the amphora. He gets up to replace it on the shelf as Martin comes in. As Frasier puts the vase down, he notices the fertility idol and takes a closer look. Spotting this, Martin quickly turns around and heads back to his room.

Frasier is celebrating two thousand editions of his show at KACL , with a guest appearance from Bill Gates , who ends up taking several calls about Microsoft products. Returning home afterward, Frasier opens a cupboard in his bedroom which is revealed to be full of cassette tapes , all containing recordings of his shows. Just after adding the two thousandth edition to his collection, he notices that one of the other cases is upside down, and on closer examination, finds that it contains a Hall & Oates tape. He calls in Niles, Martin and Daphne to find out who is responsible. Daphne confesses that she borrowed the tape and accidentally broke it. This prompts Frasier to broadcast an appeal to anyone who has a recording of the missing show. Niles becomes worried how the incomplete nature of his brother's collection is affecting him; staying in, sleeping late, not dressing. Frasier insists that he is quirky rather than obsessed, but when someone calls KACL and announces that they have the tape he seeks, he and Niles get a first-hand look at how far an obsession can go when the person with the tape has a unhealthy obsession with Frasier and his show, showing Frasier how bad it can go.

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Recap 311 "Utopia". The quiet of an alleyway is disturbed as the time vortex opens and the Doctor, Martha and Jack appear groaning. MARTHA: Oh, my head! DOCTOR: Time travel without a capsule. That's a killer. Jack cracks his neck before they leave the alley. They walk along a main street taking in their surroundings. JACK: Still, at least we made it. Earth, 21st century by the looks of it. Ha, ha, talk about lucky. DOCTOR: That wasn't luck, that was me. Back on Malcassairo, the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver on Jack's vortex manipulator as he and Martha try and keep the Futurekind out. DOCTOR: Hold still! Don't move! Hold it still! JACK: I'm telling you, it's broken! It hasn't worked for years! DOCTOR: That's because you didn't have me. Martha, grab hold! (Takes Martha's hand and places it on top of the manipulator). Now! They disappear. The Doctor, Martha and Jack are sitting in an area in the middle of a pedestrian-only road. JACK: The moral is, if you're gonna get stuck at the end of the universe, get stuck with an ex-Time Agent and his vortex manipulator. MARTHA: But this Master bloke, he's got the TARDIS. He could be anywhere in time and space. DOCTOR: No, he's here. Trust me. Looks around and sees Saxon campaign posters plastered everywhere. MARTHA: Who is he, anyway? And that voice at the end, that wasn't the professor. JACK: If the Master's a Time Lord, he must have regenerated. MARTHA: What does that mean? JACK: Means he's changed his face, voice, body, everything. New man. The Doctor notices a homeless man tapping a repeating rhythm on an enamel mug. MARTHA: Then how are we gonna find him? The tapping echoes. DOCTOR: I'll know him, the moment I see him. Time Lords always do. MARTHA: But hold on. (Notices posters). If he could be anyone... We missed the election. But it can't be... The Doctor stands slowly, as does Jack. They walk towards a giant screen showing the news. Martha follows. NEWSCASTER: Mr Saxon has returned from the Palace and is greeting the crowd inside Saxon Headquarters. The screen shows Saxon walking downstairs with an entourage, Lucy, his wife, at his side. MARTHA: I said I knew that voice. When he spoke inside the TARDIS. I've heard that voice hundreds of times. I've seen him. We all have. That was the voice of Harold Saxon. DOCTOR: That's him. He's Prime Minister. PHOTOGRAPHER (on screen): Mr Saxon, this way, sir. Come on, kiss for the lady, sir. DOCTOR: The Master is Prime Minister of Great Britain. (Saxon kisses the woman at his side). The Master and his wife. SAXON (steps forward to speak to the press): This country has been sick. This country needs healing. This country needs medicine. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that, what this country really needs, right now... is a doctor. Smiles into the camera. OPENING CREDITS Saxon is walking down a hall in Number Ten, Lucy beside him, clerks handing him files as he passes. CLERK 1: Finance report, sir. CLERK 2: Military protocol, sir. CLERK 3: EC directive, sir. CLERK 4: Annual budget, sir. CLERK 5 : ... recommendations. Saxon stops outside the door to the Cabinet Room. LUCY: I'm so proud of you, Harry. As they kiss, we see Tish Jones walk up. SAXON: Bless. TISH: Uh, sir... If you don't mind me asking... I'm sorry, but it's all a bit new. What exactly do you want me to do? SAXON: Oh yes, what was it, uh...? TISH: Tish. Letitia Jones. SAXON: Tish. Well then, Tish... You just stand there and look gorgeous. (Enters the Cabinet Room). A glorious day. Downing Street rebuilt, the Cabinet in session. Let the work of government begin. (Throws files into the air and the contents scatter). Oh, go on. Crack a smile. It's funny, isn't it? Albert, funny? No? Little bit? ALBERT DUMFIRES: Very funny, sir, hm. But... but if we could get down to business, there is the matter of policy, of which we have very little... SAXON: No, no, no, no. Before we start all that, I just want to say... thank you. Thank you one and all, you ugly, fat-faced bunch of wet, snivelling traitors. DUMFRIES: Yes, quite. Very funny. But I thi... SAXON: No, no. That wasn't funny. (Stands). Hm, you see, I'm not making myself very clear. Funny is like this. (Exaggerates smile). Not funny is like this. (Exaggerates frown). And right now, I'm not like this... (smiles), I'm like this... (frowns), because you are traitors. Oh yes, you are! As soon as you saw the vote swinging my way, you abandoned your parties and you jumped on the Saxon bandwagon. So... (sits) this is your reward. Takes a gas mask from under the table and slips it on. DUMFRIES: Excuse me, Prime Minister, do you mind my asking... what is that? SAXON (muffled): It's a gas mask. DUMFRIES: I beg your pardon? SAXON (lifts mask): It's a gas mask. Puts mask back on. DUMFRIES: Yes, but, uh, why are you wearing it? SAXON (muffled): Well, because of the gas. DUMFRIES: I'm sorry? SAXON (lifts mask): Because of the gas. Replaces mask. DUMFRIES: What gas? SAXON (leans back): This gas. The speakerphones in the centre of the table pop up and emit a white gas. The Ministers start coughing and choking. They have no means of escape. DUMFRIES (points): You're insane! Saxon merely raises both thumbs. Dumfries collapses dead onto the table. Saxon, with the mask still on, begins tapping out a rhythm on the table with his fingers. Martha takes the Doctor and Jack to her flat. MARTHA: Home. DOCTOR: What have you got? Computer, laptop, anything? (Jack tries to make a call on his mobile). Jack, who are you phoning? You can't tell anyone, we're here! JACK: Just some friends of mine, but there's no reply... MARTHA: (hands Doctor the laptop) : Here you go. Any good? JACK (takes the laptop): I can show you the Saxon websites. He's been around for ages. Sits at desk. MARTHA: That's so weird though. It's the day after the election. That's only four days after I met you. DOCTOR: We went flying all around the universe while he was here the whole time. MARTHA: You gonna tell us who he is? DOCTOR: He's a Time Lord. MARTHA: What about the rest of it? I mean, who'd call himself the Master? DOCTOR: That's all you need to know. (To Jack) : Come on, show me Harold Saxon. Martha checks her answering machine. There's one from Tish. TISH: Martha, where are you? I've got this new job. You won't believe it. It's weird, they just phoned me up out of the blue. I'm working for... MARTHA (shuts off machine): Oh, like it matters. Tish is following a reporter, Vivien Rook, through the office, trying unsuccessfully to turn her away. TISH: I'm sorry, but you're not allowed in... VIVIEN: Harold Saxon: A Modern Churchill. It's the definitive think piece on the man himself. (Hands a copy of the article in question to Tish). Oh, come on, sweetheart, you must've read it! TISH: Um, not really, sorry. I'm new. VIVIEN: Mr Saxon does like a pretty face. But I'm here to see Mrs Saxon. TISH: You can't just go barging in! Vivien enters the sitting room where Lucy is alone, massaging her feet. VIVIEN: Mrs Saxon, Vivien Rook, Sunday Mirror. (Holds up press card). You've heard of me. LUCY: Oh, can't I just have an hour to myself? It's been a hell of a day. VIVIEN: Oh, strike while the iron's hot, that's what I say, Lucy. I can call you Lucy, can't I? Now, everyone's talking about Harold Saxon, but I thought "What about the wife?" All I need is twenty minutes. LUCY: Oh, I think maybe we should wait. Looks nervously to connecting door. VIVIEN: The headline's waiting to print: The Power Behind the Throne. LUCY (intrigued): Really? VIVIEN: Britain's First Lady. LUCY: Gosh. VIVIEN: Front page. LUCY: Oh, well, I suppose... Oh, go on then. Twenty minutes. VIVIEN: Excellent! Thank you! Oh, oh, what was it? Oh, Tish. Now you can leave us alone. Hands Tish her coat. TISH: No, but I'm supposed to sit in. Looks to Lucy. VIVIEN: No, no. It's... it's only a profile piece. You know, hair and clothes and nonsense. There's a good girl. Out you go. That's it. (Pushes Tish out the door and closes it). Mrs Saxon, I have reason to believe... that you're in very great danger. All of us, in fact. Not just the country, but the whole world. (Lucy scoffs). I beg of you, hear me out. LUCY: What are you talking about? VIVIEN: Your husband is not who he says he is. I'm sorry, but it's a lie. Everything's a lie. A campaign commercial for Saxon plays with noteworthy supporters. SHARON OSBOURNE: I'm voting Saxon. He can tick my box any day. McFLY: Vote Saxon! Go Harry! ANN WIDDECOMBE: I think Mr Saxon is exactly what this country needs. He's a very fine man. And he's handsome too. Jack stops the commercial on the website. JACK: Former Minister of Defence. First came to prominence when he shot down the Racnoss on Christmas Eve. (Turns to Doctor) : Nice work, by the way. DOCTOR: (sitting on couch arm) : Oh, thanks. MARTHA: He goes back years. He's famous. Everyone knows his story. Look. Cambridge University, Rugby blue, won the Athletics thing, wrote a novel, went into business, marriage, everything. He's got a whole life. VIVIEN: All of it. The school days, his degree, even his mother and father. It's all invented. (Holds up photo). Look, Harold Saxon never went to Cambridge. There was no Harold Saxon. The thing is, it's obvious. The forgery is screaming out and yet no one can see it. It's as if he's mesmerized the entire world. LUCY: I think perhaps you should leave now. VIVIEN: 18 months ago he became real. This is his first, honest-to-God appearance, just after the downfall of Harriet Jones. And at the exact same time, they launched the Archangel Network. LUCY: Mrs Rook, now stop it. VIVIEN: Even now they say that the... the Cabinet has gone into seclusion. I mean, what does that mean, "seclusion"? LUCY: How should I know? VIVIEN: But I've got plenty of research on you. Yes, good family, Roedean, not especially bright but essentially harmless. (Sits beside Lucy). And that's why I'm asking you, Lucy. I'm begging you. If you have seen anything, heard anything, even the slightest thing that would give you cause to doubt him... LUCY: I think... VIVIEN: Yes? LUCY: There was a time when we first met, I wondered... But he was so good to my father. And he said... VIVIEN: What? Just tell me, sweetheart. LUCY: The thing is... I made my choice. VIVIEN: I'm sorry? LUCY: For better or for worse. Isn't that right, Harry? Saxon has joined them, leaning on the connecting door. SAXON: My faithful companion. VIVIEN: Mr Saxon. Prime Minister, I-I-I was just having a little joke with poor little Lucy. I, I didn't mean... SAXON (walks to centre of room): Oh, but you're absolutely right. Harold Saxon doesn't exist. VIVIEN: Then tell me... who are you? SAXON: I'm the Master and these (holds out his hands) are my friends. Four small metal spheres appear and float about him. VIVIEN: I'm sorry? SAXON: Can't you hear it, Mrs Rook? VIVIEN: What do you mean? SAXON: The drumbeat. The drums coming closer and closer. The spheres head towards Vivien spikes now sticking out from their lower halves. SPHERE 1 (female voice): The lady doesn't like us. The spheres advance on Vivien, the spikes spinning. SPHERE 2 (male voice): Silly lady. SPHERE 3 (male voice): Dead lady. Vivien screams. Lucy and Saxon exit the room and shut the door, deadening the screams. Saxon takes a breath and opens the door. The screams continue. Saxon winces and closes the door. He opens and closes the door again quickly, putting a fist to his mouth. LUCY (sighs): But she knew. Harry, she knew everything. You promised. You said Archangel was 100%. SAXON: Um, 99, 98? LUCY: But if she's asking questions, then who else? How much time have we got? Saxon holds his arms out and pulls her into a hug. SAXON: Tomorrow morning, I promise. That's when everything ends. Jack is making tea in the kitchen. JACK: But he's got a TARDIS. Maybe the Master went back in time and has been living here for decades. The Doctor is sitting at the desk. DOCTOR: No. JACK: Why not? Worked for me. DOCTOR: When he was stealing the TARDIS, the only thing I could do was fuse the coordinates. I locked them permanently. From Utopia. The Doctor is holding out the sonic screwdriver and the TARDIS console sparks. DOCTOR: He can only travel between the year 100 trillion and the last place the TARDIS landed. Which is right here, right now. JACK: Yeah, but a little leeway? DOCTOR: Well... 18 months, tops. The most he could have been here is 18 months. So how has he managed all this? The Master was always sort of... hypnotic but this is on a massive scale. MARTHA: I was gonna vote for him. DOCTOR: Really? MARTHA: Well, it was before I even met you. And I liked him. JACK: Me too. DOCTOR: Why do you say that? What was his policy? What did he stand for? MARTHA (dreamy): I dunno. He always sounded... good. (Fingers start tapping). Like you could trust him. Just nice. He spoke about... I can't really remember, but it was good. Just the sound of his voice. DOCTOR: What's that? MARTHA (startled): What? DOCTOR: That! That tapping, that rhythm! What are you doing? MARTHA: I dunno. It's nothing. It's j... I dunno! A tune plays from the website. "SAXON BROADCAST ALL CHANNELS" appears onscreen. DOCTOR: (turns on the TV) : Our lord and master is speaking to his kingdom. Onscreen Saxon is sitting in front of the ornate fireplace in the Cabinet Room. SAXON: Britain, Britain, Britain. What extraordinary times we've had. Just a few years ago, this world was so small. And then they came, out of the unknown, falling from the skies. Clip from ALIENS OF LONDON. You've seen it happen... Big Ben destroyed, a spaceship over London. Clip from ARMY OF GHOSTS. All those ghosts and metal men. Clip from RUNAWAY BRIDE. The Christmas star that came to kill. Time and time again the government told you nothing. Well not me. Not Harold Saxon. Because my purpose here today is to tell you this... citizens of Great Britain... I have been contacted. A message, for humanity, from beyond the stars. Nods to someone off camera. A video plays of one of the spheres delivering the message. SPHERE (female voice): People of the Earth, we come in peace. We bring great gifts. We bring technology and wisdom and protection. And all we ask in return is your friendship. SAXON: Ooh, sweet. And this species has identified itself. They're called the Toclafane. DOCTOR: What?! SAXON: And tomorrow morning they will appear. Not in secret, but to all of you. Diplomatic relations with a new species will begin. Tomorrow, we take our place in the universe. Every man, woman and child. Every teacher and chemist and lorry driver and farmer. And every... oh, I don't know... medical student? The DOCTOR whips around to look at Martha before turning the TV around to find a bomb ready to go off. The Doctor grabs the laptop as they rush out into the street just as the front window of her flat explodes. DOCTOR: All right? JACK: Fine, yeah, fine. DOCTOR: Martha? (Martha is using her mobile). What are you doing? MARTHA: He knows about me. What about my family? DOCTOR: Don't tell them anything! MARTHA: I'll do what I like! Mum? Oh my God, you're there. FRANCINE: Course I'm here, sweetheart. You all right? MARTHA: I'm fine. I'm fine. Mum, has there been anyone asking about me? We see Francine is not alone. The same blonde woman from "42" is there listening in on the conversation. FRANCINE: Martha, I think perhaps you should come 'round. MARTHA: I can't! Not now! FRANCINE: No, but it's your father. We've been talking and we thought we might give it another go. MARTHA: Don't be so daft! Since when? FRANCINE: Just come 'round. Come to the house, we can celebrate. MARTHA: You said you'd never get back with him in a million years. FRANCINE: Ask him yourself. Hands phone to Clive. CLIVE: Martha, it's me. MARTHA: Dad? What are you doing there? CLIVE: Like your mother said, come 'round. We can explain everything. MARTHA: Dad? Just say yes or now. Is there someone else there? CLIVE (pause) : Yes! Just run! Gets up and heads for the door. FRANCINE: Clive! CLIVE: Listen to me! Just run! (Is grabbed by two men). I don't know who they are! FRANCINE: We're trying to help her! Martha, don't listen to him! MARTHA: Dad! What's going on? Dad? Francine and Clive yell at each other as he is taken out of the house. MARTHA: I gotta help them! Runs to her car. DOCTOR: That's exactly what they want! It's a trap! MARTHA: I don't care! The Doctor gets into the front passenger seat while Jack takes the back. Clive is fighting as he's being taken to the waiting van. CLIVE: Get off! (Neighbours look to see what's going on). It's your fault, all of you! You voted Saxon! You did this! Francine watches from the front door. Martha drives recklessly down the road. DOCTOR: Corner! Martha takes the corner tightly, tyres squealing. SINISTER WOMAN: Mr Saxon, we have Condition Red on the Jones plan. We're taking them in. All of them. A man grabs Francine by the arms. FRANCINE: But I was helping you! Martha is waiting for a call to connect on her mobile. MARTHA: C'mon, Tish. Pick up. Tish is walking downstairs at Number 10. TISH: Martha, I can't talk right now. We just made first contact. Did you see... (Two men take her by the arms and carry her backwards up the stairs). What are you doing?! (Drops phone). Get off! Linda, tell them! Martha, Jack and the Doctor hear it all. MARTHA: What's happening?! Tish! (Glances at the Doctor). It's your fault! It's all your fault! FRANCINE: I was helping you! Get off me! (Martha comes around the corner and stops the car). Martha, get out of here! Get out! SINISTER WOMAN: Target identified. The police take position. DOCTOR: Martha, reverse. SINISTER WOMAN! Take aim... The police aim their weapons at the car. DOCTOR: Get out, now! Martha reverses into a 3-Point turn. SINISTER WOMAN: Fire! The police open fire. JACK: Move it! As they take off down the road, bullets shatter the rear window. SINISTER WOMAN: Take them away. Francine and Clive are locked away in the van. Francine watches her daughter escape. MARTHA (upset and sarcastic): The only place we can go... planet Earth. Great. DOCTOR: Careful! JACK: Now, Martha, listen to me. Do as I say. We've gotta ditch this car. Pull over. Right now! They leave the car and head off on foot. DOCTOR: Martha, come on! MARTHA (on mobile): Leo! Oh, thank God! Leo, you gotta listen to me. Where are you? Leo is walking along a promenade with his girlfriend and their son. LEO: I'm in Brighton. We came down with Boxer. Did you see that Saxon thing on telly? MARTHA: Leo, just listen to me. Don't go home, I'm telling you. Don't phone Mum or Dad or Tish. You've gotta hide. LEO (unbelieving): Shut up. MARTHA: On my life. You've gotta trust me. Go to Boxer's. Stay with him. (We see SAXON listening in from the Cabinet Room). Don't tell anyone! Just hide! SAXON: Ooh, a nice little game of hide-and-seek. I love that. But I'll find you, Martha Jones. Been a long time since we saw each other. Must be, what, one hundred trillion years? MARTHA: Let them go, Saxon. (The Doctor wheels about). Do you hear me?! Let them go! Saxon only smiles. DOCTOR (takes the phone from Martha) : I'm here. SAXON (serious, takes phone off speaker) : Doctor. DOCTOR: Master. SAXON: I like it when you use my name. DOCTOR: You chose it. Psychiatrist's field day. SAXON: As you chose yours. The man who makes people better. How sanctimonious is that? DOCTOR: So... Prime Minister. SAXON: I know. It's good, isn't it? DOCTOR: Who are those creatures? 'Cause there's no such thing as the Toclafane. It's just a made-up name like the Bogeyman. SAXON: Do you remember all those fairy tales about the Toclafane when we were kids? Back home. Where is it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Gone. SAXON: How can Gallifrey be gone? DOCTOR: It burnt. SAXON: And the Time Lords? DOCTOR: Dead. And the Daleks... more or less. What happened to you? SAXON: The Time Lords only resurrected me because they knew I'd be the perfect warrior for a Time War. I was there when the Dalek Emperor took control of the Cruciform. I saw it. I ran. I ran so far. Made myself human so they would never find me because... I was so scared. DOCTOR: I know. SAXON: All of them? But now you, which must mean... DOCTOR: I was the only one who could end it. And I tried. I did. I tried everything. SAXON: What did it feel like, though? Two almighty civilizations burning. Oh, tell me, how did it feel? DOCTOR: Stop it! SAXON: You must have been like God. DOCTOR: I've been alone ever since. But not anymore. Don't you see, all we've got is each other. SAXON: Are you asking me out on a date? DOCTOR: You could stop this right now. We could leave this planet. We could fight across the constellations if that's what you want. But not on Earth. SAXON: Too late. DOCTOR: Why do you say that? SAXON:: The drumming. (Drums fingers on table). I thought it would stop but it never does. Never ever stops. Inside my head, the drumming, Doctor. The constant drumming. DOCTOR: I could help you. Please, let me help. SAXON: It's everywhere. Listen, listen, listen. (Taps table). Here come the drums. Here come the drums. A man leaning on a building by the Doctor begins tapping his hands against his legs. DOCTOR: What have you done? Tell me how you've done this. What are those creatures? Tell me! SAXON (sitting in front of his laptop) : Ooh, look. You're on TV. DOCTOR: Stop it! Answer me! SAXON: No, really. You're on telly! (Clicks on BBC newscast). You and your little band, which, by the way, is ticking every demographic box. So, congratulations on that. Look, there you are! Ha! The Doctor sees a TV in a shop window. BBC NEWSCASTER: They are known to be armed and extremely dangerous. SAXON: You're public enemies number one, two and three. Oh, and you can tell handsome Jack that I've sent his little gang off on a wild goose chase to the Himalayas so he won't be getting any help from them. (Switches on CCTV outside the shop in time to see Martha and Jack join the Doctor). Now, go on, off you go. Why not start by turning to the right? DOCTOR (turns and notices the camera) : He can see us. Uses the sonic screwdriver on the camera. SAXON: Ooh, you public menace. Better start running. Go on. Run! DOCTOR: He's got control of everything. MARTHA: What do we do? JACK: We've got nowhere to go. MARTHA: Doctor, what do we do? SAXON: Run for your life, Doctor! DOCTOR: We run. The Doctor, Martha and Jack run through a shopping arcade. SAXON: I said, run! BBC NEWS: Tomorrow morning, Britain will be welcoming an extraterrestrial species... AMERICAN NEWS: The President is said to be furious that Great Britain has taken unilateral action. Chinese news comes on next before the channel changes to Teletubbies. Saxon is watching on his laptop in the Cabinet Room. One of the Toclafane appears. SAXON: Have you seen these things? This planet's amazing. Television in their stomach. Now that is evolution. TOCLAFANE (female voice): Is the machine ready? SAXON: Tomorrow morning. It reaches critical at 8:02 precisely. TOCLAFANE: We have to escape. Because it's coming, sir. The darkness, the never-ending darkness. The terrible, terrible cold. We have to run and run and run! SAXON: 8:00 tomorrow morning. Tell your people. The world is waiting. The Toclafane disappears and Saxon looks out through the window blinds. Martha walks into a disused warehouse, a carrier bag of takeaway in her hand. The Doctor is still at the laptop while Jack uses his manipulator. JACK: Ho was it? MARTHA: I don't think anyone saw me. Anything new? JACK: I've got this tuned into the government wavelength so we can follow what Saxon's doing. MARTHA: Yeah, I meant about my family. DOCTOR: It still says the Jones family taken in for questioning. Tell you what, though, no mention of Leo. MARTHA: He's not as daft as he looks. I'm talking about my brother on the run. How did this happen? JACK (sits): Nice chips. DOCTOR: Actually, they're not bad. Pops one into his mouth. Martha sits. She and Jack exchange looks and she nods her head in the Doctor's direction. JACK: So, Doctor, who is he? How come the ancient society of Time Lords created a psychopath? MARTHA: And what is he to you? Like a colleague... DOCTOR: A friend, at first. MARTHA: I thought you were gonna say he was your secret brother or something. The Doctor and Jack stare at her. DOCTOR: You've been watching too much TV. Martha chuckles half-heartedly. JACK: But all the legends of Gallifrey made it sound so perfect. DOCTOR: Well, perfect to look at, maybe. And it was, it was beautiful. (Leans back). They used to call it the Shining World of the Seven Systems. And on the Continent of Wild Endeavour, in the Mountains of Solace and Solitude, there stood the Citadel of the Time Lords... (We see a brilliant orange and yellow sky over snow-capped mountains and a large domed city). The oldest and most mighty race in the universe... looking down on the galaxies below... sworn never to interfere... only to watch... (A lone Time Lord stands in ceremonial robes and collar). Children of Gallifrey, taken from their families at the age of eight to enter the Academy. And some say that's when it all began. When he was a child... that's when the Master saw eternity. As a novice, he was taken for initiation, it's a gap in the fabric of reality through which could be seen the whole of the vortex. (A young boy is escorted to the schism). You stand there, eight years old... staring at the raw power of time and space, just a child. Some would be inspired... some would run away... and some would go mad. Close-up of the boy's eye reflecting the schism. MARTHA: What about you? DOCTOR (mouth full): Oh, the ones that ran away. I never stopped. Jack's manipulator beeps. JACK: Encrypted channel with files attached. Don't recognize it. DOCTOR: Patch it through to the laptop. JACK: Um, since we're telling stories, um, there's something I haven't told you. The Torchwood logo appears onscreen. DOCTOR: You work for Torchwood. JACK: I swear to you, it's different. It's changed. There's only half a dozen of us now. DOCTOR: Everything Torchwood did and you're part of it?! JACK: The old regime was destroyed at Canary Wharf. I rebuilt it, I changed it. And when I did that, I did it for you, in your honour. The Doctor only glares at him before opening the file. It is a video of Vivien Rook.. VIVIEN: If I haven't returned to my desk by 2200 hours, this file will be emailed to Torchwood. Which means, if you're watching this, then I'm... Anyway, the Saxon files are attached. But take a look at the Archangel document. That's when it all started. When Harry Saxon became Minister in charge of launching the Archangel Network. [SCENE_BREAK] The screen changes to show a graphic of a spinning Earth with satellites. DOCTOR: What's the Archangel Network? MARTHA (pulls out mobile) : I've got Archangel. Everyone's got it. JACK: It's the mobile phone network. 'Cause, look, it's gone worldwide. They've got 15 satellites in orbit. Even the other networks, they're all carried by Archangel. The Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver on Martha's phone. DOCTOR: It's in the phones! Oh, I said he was a hypnotist! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. (Taps phone against the table and it begins to beep in the same rhythm). There it is. That rhythm, it's everywhere. Ticking away in the subconscious. MARTHA: What is it, mind control? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. Subtler than that. Any stronger and people would question it. But contained in that rhythm, in layers of code... Vote Saxon. Believe in me. Whispering to the world. Oh, yes! That's how he hid himself from me. 'Cause I should have sensed there was another Time Lord on Earth. I should have known way back. The signal cancelled him out. JACK: Any way you can stop it? DOCTOR: Not from down here. But now we know how he's doing it. MARTHA: And we can fight back. DOCTOR: Oh, yes! The Doctor takes apart the mobile and the laptop. He then takes Martha and Jack's TARDIS keys. He uses the sonic screwdriver to weld circuitry to the keys. He then ties them to string so they can be worn around the neck. DOCTOR: Three TARDIS keys, three pieces of the TARDIS with low-level perception properties because the TARDIS is designed to blend in. Well, sort of, but... Now! The Archangel Network's got a second low-level signal. Weld the key to the network and... Martha, (steps back) look at me. You can see me, yes? MARTHA: Yep! DOCTOR: What about now? Slips the key over his neck. Martha's vision veers off and she blinks. Jack chuckles. DOCTOR (echoing): No, I'm here. Look at me. MARTHA: It's like... I know you're there but I don't want to know. DOCTOR: And back again. (Takes off key). See? It just shifts your perception a tiny little bit. Doesn't make us invisible, just unnoticed. Oh, I know what it's like. It's like... it's like when you fancy someone and they don't even know you exist. That's what it's like. Come on! Martha looks at Jack. JACK: You too, hunh? They walk out onto the streets. DOCTOR: Don't run. Don't shout. Just keep your voice down. Draw attention to yourself and the spell is broken. Just keep to the shadows. JACK: Like ghosts. DOCTOR: Yeah, that's what we are. Ghosts. They each place a key around their necks before heading into the city. BBC NEWS: And as they eyes of the world turn towards Great Britain, sources indicate that Air Force One has landed on British soil tonight. Saxon and Lucyarrive with escort to greet President Winters on the tarmac. SAXON (salutes) : Mr President, sir! WINTERS: Mr Saxon. The British Army will stand down. From now on, UNIT has control of this operation. SAXON: You make it sound like an invasion. WINTERS: First contact policy was decided by the Security Council in 1968. And you've just gone and ignored it. SAXON: Well, you know what it's like. New job, all that paperwork. I think it's down the back of the settee. I did have a quick look. I found a pen, a sweet, a bus ticket and uh... have you met the wife? WINTERS: Mr Saxon, I'm not sure what your game is but there are provisions at the United Nations to have you removed from office unless you are very, very careful. Is that understood? (Saxon mimes zipping his lips). Are you taking this seriously? (Saxon nods). To business. We've accessed your files on these...Toclafane. (We see the Doctor, Martha and Jack, standing in the background). First contact cannot take place on any sovereign soil. For that purpose, the aircraft carrier Valiant is en route. The rendezvous will take place there at 8:00 am. (Saxon tries to talk through zipped lips). You're trying my patience, sir. SAXON (unzips lips) : So America is completely in charge? WINTERS: Since Britain elected an ass, yes. I'll see you onboard the Valiant. Turns to leave. SAXON: It still will be televised, though, won't it? Because I promised, and the whole world is watching. WINTERS: Since it's too late to pull out, the world will be watching. Me. Walks to waiting car. SAXON (to Lucy): The last President of America. We have a private plane ready and waiting. We should reach the Valiant within the hour. (Motions for Lucy to go first). My darling. Saxon turns to watch Winters drive away. Turning back he looks at the area with the Doctor, Martha and Jack are standing. We hear a siren and a police van pulls up. The Jones family are taken out. Saxon runs over like greeting old friends. SAXON (laughs): Hi, guys! All will be revealed! MARTHA: Oh my God. DOCTOR: Don't move. MARTHA: But... DOCTOR: Don't. The Jones family is transferred to a Land Rover. MARTHA: I'm gonna kill him. JACK: Say I use this perception filter to walk up behind him and break his neck? DOCTOR: Now that sounds like Torchwood. JACK: Still a good plan. DOCTOR: He's a Time Lord, which makes him my responsibility. I'm not here to kill him. I'm here to save him. JACK (using manipulator) : Aircraft carrier Valiant. It's a UNIT ship at 28.2N and 10.02E. MARTHA: How do we get onboard? DOCTOR (to Jack): Does that thing work as a teleport? JACK: Since you revamped it, yeah. Coordinates set. The Doctormakes sure they're all touching the manipulator before activating it. They arrive in one of the Valiant's engine rooms. Martha and Jack groan. MARTHA: Oh, that thing is rough. JACK: I've has worse nights. (Cracks neck). Welcome to the Valiant. MARTHA: It's dawn. (Walks to porthole). Hold on, I thought this was a ship. Where's the sea? JACK: A ship for the 21st century. Protecting the skies of planet Earth. They look out the porthole. The Valiant is a massive aircraft carrier in the sky with three landing strips. Saxon and Lucy arrive at the bridge/conference room of the Valiant. There are secret service agents, various military personnel as well as camera crews preparing for the event. WINTERS: I want the whole thing branded in my sort of honest, not the United Nations. Got that? SAXON (walks up to Winters) : Anything I can do? I could make tea or isn't that American enough? I don't know, I could make grits. What are grits, anyway? WINTERS: It you could just sit. SAXON (turns and makes a face) : Misery guts. What do you think? It's good, isn't it? Pulls out a chair for Lucy. LUCY: It's beautiful. SAXON: Some of my best work. (Whispers). Ministry of Defence. I helped design this place. (Sits beside her). Every detail. The Doctor, Martha and Jack run through the maintenance corridors. The Doctor stops. JACK: We've no time for sightseeing! DOCTOR: No, no. Wait. Shh, shh, shh. Can't you hear it? JACK: Hear what? MARTHA: Doctor, my family's on board. Strides past. DOCTOR: Brilliant! This way! They change direction and run through more corridors. The Doctor opens a set of doors to reveal the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Oh, at last! MARTHA: Oh, yes! [i]Laughs.[/i] JACK: What's it doing on the Valiant ? They open the doors to the TARDIS to see a very different interior bathed in red. JACK: What the hell's he done? DOCTOR: Don't touch it. JACK: I'm not going to. MARTHA: What's he done though? Sounds like it's... sick. The console has been stripped of certain parts and caged off. DOCTOR: It can't be. No, no, no, no, no, no, it can't be. MARTHA: Doctor, what is it? DOCTOR: He's cannibalised the TARDIS. JACK: Is that what I think it is? DOCTOR: It's a paradox machine. WINTERS: Two minutes, everyone! (Climbs steps). According to the treaty, all armed personnel are requested to leave the flight deck immediately. Thank you. Saxon and Lucy are watching like it's all entertainment. SAXON (to Lucy): Jelly baby? WINTERS: Broadcasting at 7:58 with the arrival timed at 08:00 precisely. And, uh, good luck to all of us. DOCTOR: As soon as this hits red, it activates. At this speed, it'll trigger (looks at Jack's watch) at two minutes past 8:00. JACK: First contact is at 8:00 and then two minutes later... MARTHA: What's it for? What's a paradox machine do? JACK: More importantly, can you stop it? DOCTOR: Not until I know what it's doing. Touch the wrong bit and blow up the solar system. MARTHA: Then we've got to get to the Master. JACK: Yeah. How do we stop him? DOCTOR: Oh, I've got a way. Sorry, didn't I tell you? Grins. BBC NEWS: And in just 30 seconds' time, we'll be going live for first contact. (Scenes of different people watching the broadcast are intercut). It has been announced that Harold Saxon has invited President Winters to take the address. AMERICAN NEWS: It's 3:00 in the morning on the eastern seaboard and President Winters has been chosen to lead the world into a new age. WINTERS: My fellow Americans, patriots, people of the world... I stand before you today as ambassador for humanity, a role I will undertake with utmost solemnity. Perhaps our Toclafane cousins can offer us much, but that is important is not that we gain material benefits, but that we learn to see ourselves anew. (The Doctor, Jack and Martha enter the room. Saxon's smile disappears). For as long as man has looked to the stars, he has wondered what mysteries they hold. Now we know we are not alone... JACK: This plan, you gonna tell us? DOCTOR: If I can get this (holds key) around the Master's neck... cancel out his perception, they'll see him for real. It's just hard to go unnoticed with everyone on red alert. If they stop me... you've got a key. JACK: Yes, sir. MARTHA: I'll get him. WINTERS: And I ask you now, I ask of the human race, to join with me in welcoming our friends. I give you the Toclafane. (The spheres appear around him). My name is Arthur Coleman Winters, President-Elect of the United States of America and designated representative of the United Nations. I welcome you to the planet Earth and its associated moon. TOCLAFANE 1 (male voice): You're not the Master. TOCLAFANE 2 (female voice): We like the Mr Master. TOCLAFANE 3 (male voice): We don't like you. WINTERS: I... can be Master, if you so wish. I will accept mastery over you if that is God's will. TOCLAFANE 3: Man is stupid. TOCLAFANE 1: Master is our friend. TOCLAFANE 2: Where's my Master, pretty please? SAXON: Oh, all right then. It's me. (Stands). Ta-da! (Laughs). Sorry. Sorry, I have this effect. People just get obsessed. Is it the smile? Is it the aftershave? Is it the capacity to laugh at myself? I don't know. It's crazy! WINTERS: Saxon, what are you talkin' about? SAXON (serious, faces Winters) : I'm taking control, Uncle Sam. Starting with you. (To Toclafane): Kill him. One of the Toclafane shoots Winters with a laser and he disintegrates. Chaos erupts as everyone tries to leave the room. Saxon's people pull out their weapons. SAXON (laughs): Guards! GUARD: Nobody move! Nobody move! SAXON (into camera): Now then, peoples of the Earth, please attend carefully. The Doctor rushes forward. GUARD: Stop him! Two guards grab the Doctor and force him to kneel on the floor. SAXON: We meet at last, Doctor. Oh, ho! I love saying that! DOCTOR: Stop this! Stop it now! SAXON: As if a perception filter's gonna work on me. Oh, and look, it's the girlie and the freak. Although, I'm not sure which one's which. (Jack rushes him and Saxon fires a laser and Jack falls to the floor). Laser screwdriver, who'd have sonic? And the good thing is, he's not dead for long. I get to kill him again! Martha goes to Jack. DOCTOR: Master, just calm down. Just look at what you're doing. Just stop. If you could see yourself... SAXON (sighs, to camera) : Oh, do excuse me, little bit of personal business. Back in a minute. (To guards) : Let him go. The guards push the Doctor to the floor. DOCTOR: It's that sound, the sound in your head. What if I could help? SAXON: Oh, how to shut him up? I know. Memory Lane! (Sits on steps facing Doctor). Professor Lazarus. Remember him? And his genetic manipulation device? Scenes from "Lazarus Experiment". Did you think that little Tish got that job merely by coincidence? I've been laying traps for you all this time. And if I can concentrate all that Lazarus technology into one little screwdriver... But, ooh, if I only had the Doctor's biological code. Oh, wait a minute, I do! (Runs to silver case and opens it). I've got his hand! And if Lazarus made himself younger, what if I reverse it? Another hundred years? Saxon aims the screwdriver at the Doctor who screams as he goes into convulsions as his genetic makeup is altered. Jack revives. JACK: Teleport. Hands Martha the manipulator. MARTHA: I can't. JACK: We can't stop him. Get out of here. Get out. Saxon stops and the Doctor now has the body of a very old man. Martha crawls to his side. MARTHA: Doctor, I've got you. SAXON: Aw, she's a would-be doctor. But tonight, Martha Jones, we've flown 'em in all the way from prison. The door slides open and guards escort in Francine, Clive and Tish. MARTHA: Mum. FRANCINE (crying): I'm sorry. DOCTOR (breathing heavily): The Toclafane, who are they? Who are they? SAXON: Doctor, if I told you the truth, your hearts would break. TOCLAFANE 1: Is it time? TOCLAFANE 3: Is it ready? TOCLAFANE 2: Is the machine singing? SAXON(checks watch): Two minutes past. (Mounts steps and stands by Lucy). So! Earthings. Basically, um, end of the world. (Holds up screwdriver). Here... come... the drums! Rogue Trader's "Voodoo Child": # Here come the drums. Here come the drums... The paradox machine activates. # Baby, baby, baby. You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child... Saxon looks out the window. # Don't say maybe, maybe. It's supernatural. I'm comin' undone... Above the Valiant, a rift rears open in the sky. # Baby, baby, baby. You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child... Toclafane by the thousands exit the rift. # Don't say maybe, maybe. It's supernatural. I'm comin' undone. Baby, baby, baby. You are my voodoo child, my voodoo child...#. Saxon and Lucy watch from the bridge. SAXON: How many do you think? LUCY: I don't know. SAXON: Six billion. (Switches on outside speaker). Down you go, kids! The Toclafane swarm down to Earth, zeroing in on Manhattan, Tokyo, (?), and London. People go into the streets to see and the Toclafane begin firing indiscriminately. SAXON (to Lucy): Shall we decimate them? That sounds good. Nice word, decimate. (To Toclafane): Remove one-tenth of the population! The Toclafane burst into people's homes. Martha can only cry as she listens to the messages coming in from the surface. MESSAGE 1: Valiant, this is Geneva! We're getting slaughtered down here! Martha stands, leaving the Doctor. MESSAGE 2: Help us, for God's sake! Help us! They're everywhere! MESSAGE 3: This is London, Valiant ! This is London calling! What do we do?! Martha looks at her family. MESSAGE 4: They're killing us! The Toclafane are killing us! With a last look at the Doctor, Martha activates the teleporter. The Doctor and Jack exchange a look before the Doctor turns to look at Saxon. Martha arrives in a field (Hampstead Heath?) overlooking the destruction of London. MARTHA: I'm coming back. She runs off. Saxon forces the Doctor to watch the fall of Earth from a window. SAXON: And so it came to pass... that the human race fell and the Earth was no more. And I looked down upon my new dominion as master of all and I thought it... good. Close-up of the Doctor, helplessness evident on his face. To be continued...

Using Jack's repaired vortex manipulator, the Doctor, Martha, and Jack land in present-day London the day after the general election. The Master has hypnotised the world with a network of mobile phone satellites called Archangel, allowing him to be elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He imprisons Martha's family on board the flying aircraft carrier the Valiant , on which he intends to televise first contact with a race he calls the Toclafane the following morning. The Doctor, Martha, and Jack fail to unmask the Master, and the Master takes the Doctor and Jack as prisoners. An invasion force of billions of Toclafane come to Earth. The Master orders them to wipe out a tenth of Earth's population. Martha escapes to the surface using Jack's vortex manipulator.

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Written by Dennis Spooner (Based on an idea by Terry Nation) 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. DALEK BASE, THE PLANET KEMBEL DALEK 1: Inform the Dalek Supreme that the Time Destructor is ready for testing. DALEK 2: Are all circuits operational? DALEK 1: Yes, the Taranium core has been fitted. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. DALEK CONTROL ROOM - KEMBEL (Three members of the Dalek Alliance, Mavic Chen, Celation and Trantis, are discussing recent events.) CELATION: (To Chen.) Having had your contribution to this great weapon stolen, it must be a relief to you now that the Daleks have managed to recover it. MAVIC CHEN: Without my help, it is unlikely that they'd have got it back. TRANTIS: At least that absurd story that it was my people from Trantis who stole the Taranium has been discredited. CELATION: Yes; they were from Earth, I believe. MAVIC CHEN: Only two of them: and they are under the influence of some creature from another galaxy. TRANTIS: He looked like an Earth creature. MAVIC CHEN: That's only a disguise. The Daleks know of him. He is some kind of time and space traveller. CELATION: Then he is nothing to do with me. We have not yet conquered the dimension of time. MAVIC CHEN: I hear your experiments in that field are progressing, Trantis. TRANTIS: We have not yet succeeded. Only the Daleks know how to break the time barrier. CELATION: And this other creature, from wherever he comes? MAVIC CHEN: Oh he's of no importance now. After all, we're here to witness the testing of the Time Destructor, are we not? (On the other side of the room, the Dalek Supreme receives a report.) DALEK SUPREME: All is ready? DALEK: It is. DALEK SUPREME: Program it for testing. DALEK: All that is needed is a subject. DALEK SUPREME: The subject has been selected. (The Dalek Supreme's eye-stick swivels and focuses on Trantis.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INSIDE THE TARDIS (One of the TARDIS instruments is registering. The Doctor, Steven and Sara are studying it.) SARA: What do you mean, you don't know? THE DOCTOR: My dear, this machine can only tell us we're being followed. Not who by. STEVEN: It must be the Daleks. THE DOCTOR: Yes, a hasty conclusion, but possibly right. Although I don't understand how they could have tested that Taranium so quickly. SARA: We must get back to the planet Kembel. THE DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense, my dear. SARA: We must. We've got to destroy the Daleks' invasion fleet. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. THE TESTING ROOM - THE DALEK BASE ON KEMBEL (Trantis has been secured in position for the test of the Time Destructor. Mavic Chen and Celation are discussing him.) CELATION: I wonder why they chose him. MAVIC CHEN: It was his own choice really. CELATION: What do you mean? MAVIC CHEN: He was so eager to make a contribution to the Time Destructor that they've let him make one. His life. DALEK SUPREME: Prepare to activate the Time Destructor. DALEK: Are the other two creatures to be present at the destruction?` DALEK SUPREME: Yes, their greed for power is so great that they can be trusted. Activate the machine. DALEK: I obey. (The Dalek activates the Time Destructor. The device immediately begins to pulse with light. Trantis cowers away in fear.) MAVIC CHEN: So, that's what's supposed to happen. A kind of abject insanity. CELATION: I do not know, though I always thought Trantis was a little unstable anyway. (The machine continues to operate but appears to have no effect on Trantis. The delegates watch with concern.) MAVIC CHEN: Nothing's happening to him. CELATION: The Time Destructor does not work. MAVIC CHEN: But that's impossible. It must work. It must. DALEK SUPREME: The destructor is having no effect. DALEK: The mechanism is functioning perfectly. (The Dalek checks the controls of the machine.) DALEK: The fault is in the Taranium. (The Dalek Supreme moves to Mavic Chen.) DALEK SUPREME: The Taranium core has failed. MAVIC CHEN: It can't be true; there must be some mistake. DALEK SUPREME: The Daleks do not make mistakes. You have lied to us, you have not given us the Taranium. MAVIC CHEN: Why should I lie? I can only benefit from my alliance with you. I brought you Taranium, the real Taranium. DALEK SUPREME: The core is worthless. MAVIC CHEN: No, no it can't be. It came from Uranus, I know it did. DALEK SUPREME: We fitted the core you gave us. It has failed to activate the Time Destructor, therefore it is not Taranium. MAVIC CHEN: It was the old man, that time-traveller. CELATION: What? MAVIC CHEN: He must have changed it. CELATION: But it was you who said that what he gave you was the Taranium core. MAVIC CHEN: I know, but I didn't check. How could I? The old man fooled us. The Daleks should have checked before they fitted it - before they let the old man go. DALEK SUPREME: Report to Skaro. They must send a time machine to us immediately. DALEK: I obey. DALEK SUPREME: You will both wait here. CELATION: But this is nothing to do with me. I was invited as an observer. DALEK SUPREME: Very well, you can return to your section. You, Mavic Chen, will wait here for the arrival of the time machine. MAVIC CHEN: Yes. DALEK: What about the subject? DALEK SUPREME: The subject? (Pauses to think.) Exterminate him. (Trantis is exterminated.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INSIDE THE TARDIS (Steven is studying the time curve indicator.) STEVEN: It's still following us. THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes. SARA: When are we going to land? THE DOCTOR: Pretty soon, my dear, pretty soon. SARA: And I thought you knew what you were doing. THE DOCTOR: I know full well what I'm doing, child, now don't get so excited. STEVEN: They're getting closer, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Hmm, yes, I see. Yes, I must do something drastic. (The Doctor moves to the controls and operates a switch.) SARA: What are you doing? THE DOCTOR: Landing, my dear. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] 6. LORDS CRICKET GROUND (In the radio commentary box, two commentators, Trevor and Scott, are watching England play a test match against Australia.) TREVOR: Well, the English batsmen are really fighting against the clock now, Scott. SCOTT: My word, yes. Seventy eight runs in forty five minutes to win. TREVOR: It really has been an exciting game, hasn't it, Scott? SCOTT: Very exciting. TREVOR: Well, let's have a look at the scoreboard, shall we? (The TARDIS materialises on the outfield.) TREVOR: Now, you'll see... Goodness me, take a look at that, Scott. SCOTT: Take a look at what, Trev? TREVOR: There's a Police Telephone Box on the pitch. SCOTT: My word, yes. TREVOR: Well this really is extraordinary. You don't remember anything like this happening before, do you, Scott? SCOTT: No. (Pauses to think.) No. TREVOR: (Looks behind him to where a researcher is hastily poring over cricketing manuals.) Well, anyway, Ross is looking through the record books and if there has been anything like it before, I'm sure he'll find it for us. SCOTT: You know, Trev, this puts a new light on the game. TREVOR: What light's that, Scott? SCOTT: Well, I know your ground staff are excellent, but even assuming they get rid of it in say, ten minutes, England will still have to get their seventy eight runs in... thirty-five minutes. TREVOR: Yes; yes well I think we can safely say this has been a very bad break for England. SCOTT: A very bad break. Especially as the weather's been holding off so well. TREVOR: Yes it has, hasn't it. Been holding off remarkably well. Well, let's have another look at the scoreboard shall we, although not very much has been happening these last few... SCOTT: It's making a funny noise. TREVOR: What's that, Scott? SCOTT: A funny noise coming from the Police Box. (The TARDIS dematerialises.) SCOTT: It's gone again, Trev. TREVOR: Yes, so it has. Well that wasn't too bad was it, Scott? SCOTT: Two and a half minutes, I make it, Trev. TREVOR: Yes, well there's the position. England wanting seventy eight runs in forty two and a half minutes to win. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INSIDE THE TARDIS THE DOCTOR: Yes, it's definitely some sporting occasion. SARA: Oh, I hardly think so, Doctor. STEVEN: Was it on Earth, do you think? THE DOCTOR: Oh, possibly, my dear fellow, possibly. (Steven looks at the time curve indicator.) STEVEN: Yes, well, wherever it was, there's still someone on our tail. Hey, look at this. (All three study the time curve indicator.) THE DOCTOR: Yes, my plan hasn't worked. It's following us closely. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. DALEK CONTROL ROOM, KEMBEL (A Dalek time machine materialises and a Dalek emerges from it.) DALEK: Your order has been carried out. The time machine is ready to commence operations. DALEK SUPREME: Excellent. Organise a task force for the pursuit of the time-travellers. DALEK: I obey. DALEK SUPREME: Ascertain their position on the space-time scope. DALEK: I obey. (The Dalek Supreme turns to address Mavic Chen.) DALEK SUPREME: Mavic Chen, you will accompany the task force. You will ensure that the Taranium core is returned to Kembel. MAVIC CHEN: Of course, I shall do everything in my power. DALEK SUPREME: If you fail, or if we find that you have deceived us, you will suffer the same fate as the time-travellers - annihilation! [SCENE_BREAK] 9. THE PLANET TIGUS (The TARDIS materialises on the volcanic planet of Tigus. All around, volcanoes are erupting.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INSIDE THE TARDIS (The Doctor, Steven and Sara are looking at the picture on the scanner.) SARA: Where are we, Doctor - do you know? STEVEN: It doesn't look very pleasant, does it? THE DOCTOR: No, we must take off quite soon. (The time curve indicator stops registering.) SARA: It's stopped. STEVEN: What does that mean, Doctor? Have we shaken it off? THE DOCTOR: No, my boy, we haven't shaken them off. Whoever it was following us has landed, they've landed out there. (On the surface of Tigus, a large rock materialises near the TARDIS and a familiar figure emerges: the Meddling Monk - laughing to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. ON THE SURFACE OF TIGUS, NOT FAR FROM THE TARDIS STEVEN: You know, Doctor, it would help if we knew what we were looking for. SARA: I still say it was madness to come out here. We should have taken off again - or tried to get back to Kembel. THE DOCTOR: My dear young girl, what good would it be to run away. The sooner we find who's pursuing us the better. (Steven absent-mindedly kicks a rock - then wishes he hadn't!) STEVEN: Hey - hey, this is hot. THE DOCTOR: Yes, well I can well imagine that. This is a new planet, my boy - it's cooling down, cooling down. (As Steven and Sara move away, the Doctor ponders the situation.) THE DOCTOR: Fascinating, yes extremely fascinating. I wonder; I wonder who would take the time and trouble to follow us, hmmmm? Yes, I think there is an explanation, but unlikely. Possible, very possible. (The Monk, meanwhile, has found the TARDIS and sets to work on the lock, with his bag of tools. The Doctor stands on a rock and calls out.) THE DOCTOR: Hello there. Hello. Don't you think we should meet and talk it over, hmm? STEVEN: Doctor, who are we waiting for? THE DOCTOR: Oh, you'll see, my boy, you'll see. STEVEN: Oh come on, tell us, otherwise you'll say you were right whoever we meet. THE DOCTOR: You lack one quality of all the others my boy, and that is patience. SARA: (Pointing.) Doctor, look! (Standing over them is the Monk, a rock raised above his head, ready to be thrown.) THE DOCTOR: Ah, tch, tch, tch; my dear Monk. Don't be so ridiculous. Put that down at once. MONK: Well, hello Doctor. Keeping well? THE DOCTOR: Oh, no complaints, no. And you? MONK: Oh, so so, you know, just so so. SARA: (To Steven.) Who is it? MONK: (To Steven.) Delighted to see you again, young man. STEVEN: Thanks. I wish I could say the same for you. THE DOCTOR: I suppose congratulations for your escape are quite in order. MONK: Oh thank you. Most kind of you Doctor. Yes, it took a bit of time, but I finally managed to by-pass the dimensional controller. THE DOCTOR: Yes, a very... a very interesting solution. Yes, I'm sure. Though I think it would make for rather an uncomfortable ride. However, I don't suppose it affected you very much, being an amateur. MONK: Yes, it was rather uncomfortable. But then, we can't have everything, can we. And as for being an amateur, we shall see. Anyway, it was better than THE DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose so. SARA: What's he talking about, 1066? STEVEN: It's alright. We've met the Monk once before. I'll explain later. THE DOCTOR: And you returned here for one obvious reason, did you not? MONK: I'm afraid so, Doctor. Revenge is a strange thing, isn't it? THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, quite, quite. Tell me, any plans? MONK: Ho, ho. And all carried out as well. Doctor, you remember you left me in 1066? Now I've marooned you on the planet Tigus, look. (The Monk bursts out laughing, and the others join in.) MONK: Oh, it's funny this. Forgive me laughing, Doctor, but I don't seem to be able to control it. Well, goodbye, Doctor. Perhaps I'll come back one day and rescue you. STEVEN: Hey, wait a minute. THE DOCTOR: Don't waste your breath, young man. The most important thing is, is to find out what he's done to the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. OUTSIDE THE TARDIS (The Doctor finds he is unable to open the TARDIS door.) THE DOCTOR: He probably used some kind of ray. SARA: What does that mean? THE DOCTOR: That means we cannot get back into the TARDIS, child. (Nearby, out of sight, the Monk is watching and chuckling to himself. Steven is attempting to pick the lock.) THE DOCTOR: Oh, you will achieve nothing, dear boy, nothing. SARA: Yes, perhaps. But it's better than just accepting everything. THE DOCTOR: Yes, like I am, I suppose? STEVEN: Well, you haven't been taking much interest, have you, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Oh, and why not, dear boy? Why not? Because I am using my brain, I'm trying to solve this problem. Now just stand back, and cover your eyes, please. (The Doctor removes the large ring from his finger.) STEVEN: What does that do? THE DOCTOR: Perhaps nothing, perhaps everything. Will you do as you're told at once, cover your eyes - please. (The Doctor holds the ring near the lock and reflects the sunlight onto the lock. The ring becomes hot and he drops it with a gasp. Sara pushes the door, which remains shut.) SARA: It hasn't worked. THE DOCTOR: Wait a moment, child. (The Doctor unlocks the door with his key.) THE DOCTOR: Now try. (Sara pushes the door open.) STEVEN: You're a genius, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Yes - I know, my boy, I know. (The TARDIS dematerialises.) MONK: Oh, no, no. Don't think I'm going to leave it at this. You haven't heard the last of me, Doctor. You haven't heard the last of me! [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INSIDE THE TARDIS STEVEN: If you ask me, we haven't heard the last of that monk. THE DOCTOR: Quite so, dear boy. He'll be on our trail again as fast as he can get going. SARA: Yes, but next time we'll be expecting him. THE DOCTOR: Exactly, my dear, exactly. Now, Steven, there's something I want you to do. Go to that indicator and let me know the instant the Monk's TARDIS registers. STEVEN: Yes, all right, but first you tell us something. How did you break that lock? THE DOCTOR: Oh, that's all very simple, dear boy. You see, the sun in that particular galaxy has very unusual powers. I merely reflected its powers through that ring. SARA: Is there something special about it? THE DOCTOR: Yes, it has certain properties. The combined forces of that sun together with the stone in that ring was sufficient enough to correct the Monk's interference. STEVEN: Yes, but what properties has it? THE DOCTOR: Now, I don't want to discuss this any more. About turn, and do as you're told. Go along. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. DALEK CONTROL ROOM, KEMBEL (A Dalek reports to the Dalek Supreme.) DALEK: The task force is now aboard. DALEK SUPREME: Commence countdown. (An audible countdown is heard.) Ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety-six... (Nearby, a Dalek is monitoring the path of the TARDIS.) DALEK: The enemy ship is preparing to land. DALEK SUPREME: Compute their bearing and advise task force. Task force will use the homing beam. DALEK: Enemy ship located. Space-time bearing; planet Earth, London, 1966. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INSIDE THE TARDIS (The TARDIS has materialised in Trafalgar Square, London, on January 1st 1966, just after midnight. All around, people are celebrating the New Year. The Doctor, Steven and Sara are watching the revelry on the scanner.) STEVEN: Well, you won't be able to carry out your repairs here, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: No. SARA: It's some sort of celebration, isn't it? THE DOCTOR: I don't quite know. You just listen, my dear. Listen. (They listen to the bells pealing.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. DALEK CONTROL ROOM, KEMBEL (The countdown continues.) Twenty-two, twenty-one, twenty, nineteen, eighteen... [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INSIDE THE TARDIS THE DOCTOR: It's Earth. I've seen that place before. SARA: What do you think they're celebrating? THE DOCTOR: Well, as far as I can remember, I've seen them behave in a fashion like that on a former occasion. STEVEN: What was that? THE DOCTOR: The Relief of Mafeking. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. DALEK CONTROL ROOM, KEMBEL (The Countdown reaches its climax.) Four, three, two, one, zero. (The Dalek time machine dematerialises.) DALEK SUPREME: Report to Skaro. Our time machine is now in pursuit. Nothing can match Dalek technology. The universe shall be ours. Conquest is assured. (The cry of "Conquest" rings out from all Daleks.)

Missing episode In the year 4000, the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System. Their scheme involves treachery at the highest levels and a weapon capable of destroying the very fabric of time. Only the Doctor and his friends can prevent catastrophe - and there is no guarantee they will escape with their lives...

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THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS BY: "ROBIN BLAND" (TERRANCE DICKS REWRITTEN BY ROBERT HOLMES) Part One Running time: 25:25 [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: You were quick, Condo. Were there no survivors? CONDO: One, an oxygen breather. SOLON: Humanoid? Excellent. Let me see. SOLON: No, that won't do. Even if the ganglia could be. No, the cranium's too narrow, the cerebrum undeveloped. That is an insect! Even a half-witted cannibal like you can see it won't do! CONDO: But the big head's not come, master. Not to Karn. SOLON: It must, Condo. One day, a true humanoid species, warm blooded, with a central nervous system. One such specimen, just one, and I can complete my work here. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come out, meddlesome, interfering idiots. I know you're up there so come on out and show yourselves! DOCTOR: Messing about with my TARDIS. Dragging us a thousand parsecs off course. SARAH: Oi, have you gone potty? Who are you shouting at? DOCTOR: The Time Lords, who else? Now, you see? You see? They haven't even got the common decency to come out and show their ears. SARAH: They're probably afraid of getting them boxed, the way you're carrying on. DOCTOR: It's intolerable. I won't stand for any more of it. SARAH: Oh look, why can't it have just gone wrong again? DOCTOR: What? SARAH: The TARDIS. DOCTOR: What? Do you think I don't know the difference between an internal fault and an external influence? Oh, no, no, no. There's something going on here, some dirty work they won't touch with their lily white hands. Well, I won't do it, do you hear! SARAH: There's something ominous. Where are we, do you think? DOCTOR: I don't know and I don't really care. SARAH: Oh, come on. Come on, stop being so childish. DOCTOR: I'm just going to sit here and do nothing. SARAH: So there. DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Look, Doctor. Oh, come on, have a look at it. I mean, you don't know what you might be missing. Well, do you know what it is? DOCTOR: Yes. Ejection bubble. SARAH: A what? DOCTOR: A space parachute. SARAH: Pardon? SARAH: Hey, Doctor, quick. Come and look at this! There must be about a dozen wrecked spaceships out there. It's like the Sargasso Sea. DOCTOR: Fancy. SARAH: It's incredible. I mean, why should they all have crashed here? DOCTOR: I've no idea. SARAH: Well, I think you should take a look. Coming? DOCTOR: No, thanks. I'm just going to sit here and practise my double loops. SARAH: Well, please yourself. I'm going anyway. Are you sure? DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: I suppose it was the crash? DOCTOR: Not the crash. Afterwards. SARAH: After? So it was deliberate? DOCTOR: Looks as if he escaped in the ejection bubble, and while he was wandering around dazed someone or something attacked him. Poor Mutt. SARAH: Mutt? DOCTOR: Yes, a mutant insect species. Widely established in the Nebula of Cyclops. I thought I recognised the stars. SARAH: You've been here before? DOCTOR: I was born in these parts. SARAH: Near here? DOCTOR: Well, within a couple of billion miles, yes. SARAH: Hey, look! SARAH: Come on. At least it's civilisation. SARAH: Oh god. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: Motor reflexes seven tenths. SOLON: Condo! Condo, fetch some lamps. SOLON: Condo! [SCENE_BREAK] MAREN: Two of them? OHICA: A male and a female, Maren, in the valley below. MAREN: Our senses reach beyond the five planets. They were not OHICA: They are here. MAREN: No ship can approach Karn without detection. Even the silent gas dirigibles of the Hoothi are felt in our bones while still a million miles distant. OHICA: There was no ship, Maren. The last was the cruiser of the Mutts. MAREN: Then how? How, Ohica? OHICA: I do not know. I say only what my eyes have seen. MAREN: Is it as I feared? For months now I have had a dream that the Elixir of Life would be taken from us. OHICA: Taken? MAREN: Next to myself, Ohica, you are the oldest of our sisterhood. Come, let me show you. OHICA: The Flame of Life! Maren, what is wrong? Why is it so low? MAREN: The Flame dies, Ohica. Every month, every day, it sinks lower. OHICA: How can this be? At our ceremonies the Flame has burned brightly, higher than my shoulder. MAREN: A deception. For many months past, before each ceremony, I have secretly fed the Flame with powdered Rine Weed. OHICA: But if the Flame dies, there will be no more Elixir. MAREN: It has been low now for over a year. The vessel remains empty. OHICA: Then we are doomed. Our sisterhood will perish. MAREN: We are only servants of the Flame. If the Flame dies, then so must we. OHICA: Maren, should not the others know? MAREN: Not until the end is certain. As you know, Ohica, the secret of the Life Elixir is known only to our sisterhood and the High Council of the Time Lords. Since the time of the stones we have shared the Elixir with them. Now there is none to share. MAREN: The few phials that are left I have kept for ourselves. But for months I have felt the Time Lords would come to rob us of these last precious drops. OHICA: You think the two I saw have been sent to steal the Elixir? MAREN: If that is so, we must deal with them. Summon our sisters. We will form a circle. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: Where have you been? CONDO: Master. SOLON: I asked you, you stupid ox, where have you been? CONDO: I go find food, master. SOLON: You're lying. You can't deceive me, Condo. You've been looking for that arm again, haven't you. I've told you before. You get the arm back when our task here is finished. You serve me well and I'll put it back as neatly as I took it off. But if you fail me, you'll keep this for the rest of your life. Do you understand? CONDO: Yes, master. CONDO: The door. Somebody ring. SOLON: Answer it, you fool. DOCTOR: Can you spare a glass of water? SARAH: Can we come in? SOLON: Humans. At last. Humans! SOLON: My dear sir. My dear, dear sir. You have no idea what a pleasure this is. It's so long since we've. Condo, take their clothes. SARAH: Well, if we could just shelter for a while, that would be fine. SOLON: Great heavens, you can't go walking on a night like this. I wouldn't dream of letting you proceed one step further. Condo, stir yourself. Our guests are cold and tired and wet and. Let me take your hat, sir. There. Oh. What a magnificent head. SARAH: What? SOLON: Superb head. DOCTOR: Well, I'm glad you like it. I have had several. I used to have an old grey model before this. Some people liked it. SARAH: I did. SOLON: What? DOCTOR: I said, some people liked it, but I prefer this model. SOLON: Forgive me. What a surly host you must think me. Please, come in, come in. Make yourselves at home. Warm yourselves and sit down. Condo, pour the wine. SARAH: Oh, it's very kind of you. Thank you. SOLON: Not at all, not at all. It's an honour to offer you whatever comforts my humble abode can provide. As you see, the amenities here are rather antiquated. SARAH: Oh, no, I think it's very DOCTOR: Interesting. SARAH: Oh, yes, yes. SOLON: Well then, tell me, tell me about your adventures. SOLON: It's so rare that anyone arrives here on Karn. DOCTOR: Karn, is it? I should have known. SOLON: You mean you arrived here without knowing? SARAH: Oh well, we often go on a sort of mystery tour, don't we, Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR: You seem very keen on heads, Mister er. SOLON: Solon. DOCTOR: Mister Solon. SOLON: Mehendri Solon. DOCTOR: It's very good. SOLON: Yes, I. Modelling is one of my hobbies, you know, but unfortunately this is not a very good example. DOCTOR: Oh no, I thought I recognised the face. SOLON: No. DOCTOR: No? SOLON: You made a mistake. DOCTOR: Talking of heads, or their absence, we found a headless body lower down the mountain. SOLON: How distressing. DOCTOR: Yes, it was. SOLON: It must have been from one of those crashed spacecraft, no doubt. DOCTOR: Yes, that's another thing. How many did we count, Sarah? SARAH: Fifteen. DOCTOR: Fifteen. The wreckage of fifteen ships all in this one area. SOLON: There's a belt of magnetic radiation. DOCTOR: Magnetic radiation? SOLON: Oh, I don't know anything about it, but I believe that is the theory. In fact, Karn has become quite notorious. SOLON: Ah, here we are. Now, let's hope that Condo has brought something special. Thank you. Condo, how many times have I told you the wine must be opened and allowed to breathe. DOCTOR: Oh, please, please. SOLON: No, no, no. So would you please do as you've been instructed? Hurry. SOLON: He's an excellent fellow, very devoted to me, but his intelligence is not the highest. SARAH: What happened to his arm? SOLON: Oh I, er, many years ago I dragged him from the wreck of a Dravidian starship and his arm? Well, amputation was the only way of saving his life. [SCENE_BREAK] SISTERS: Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. SISTERS: Sacred. MAREN: I see it. SISTERS: Flame. MAREN: I see the machine of our enemy. SISTERS: Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. MAREN: Concentrate, sisters. More power! SISTERS: Sacred fire. MAREN: Bring the machine here. SISTERS: Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred MAREN: Enough. Enough. It is done. MAREN: I was right, Ohica. It is a time machine. OHICA: Of the kind MAREN: A TARDIS. Only the Time Lords know the secret of such machines. OHICA: Then the one I saw is a Time Lord. MAREN: Sent here to steal the Elixir. OHICA: Maren, what can we do? Alone among all the races in our galaxy, the Time Lords are our equals in mind power. MAREN: That is true, Ohica. Other races we can destroy from within. We can place death in the centre of their beings, send them mad with false visions. But with this one such powers would have no effect. He would close his mind to us. OHICA: Then we are lost! MAREN: There are other ways. But first we must find him. Form a circle, sisters. SISTERS: Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: One never really overcomes the nostalgia for one's planet of origin. Sometimes at night I look up at the sky and I think, will I ever see Earth again? SARAH: I know the feeling. DOCTOR: What made you settle on Karn? SOLON: Well, nobody lives here. Nobody bothers me. I can get on with my work. SARAH: What kind of work is that? DOCTOR: Microsurgical techniques into tissue transplant. It was the title of the book you published. SOLON: You know something of my history, Doctor. DOCTOR: One of the foremost neurosurgeons of your time. Considerably after your time, Sarah. Yes, your disappearance caused quite a stir. It was said by some you'd joined the followers of the cult of Morbius. SOLON: Malice. Academic jealousy. I just had to get away. [SCENE_BREAK] SISTERS: Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. Sacred fire. MAREN: So, our enemy thinks himself safe in Solon's castle. SISTERS: Sacred fire. Sacred Flame. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: You know, I always knew that one day I'd have a guest with a head for such a fine vintage. SARAH: What was that? SOLON: Oh, just a freak squall. DOCTOR: Or a telekinetic visit. SOLON: What? DOCTOR: From the Sisterhood of Karn. SOLON: What do you know of the Sisterhood? DOCTOR: I know who that reminds me of now. One of the Time Lords. Morbius. SARAH: Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR: One of the most despicable criminally minded wretches that ever lived. SARAH: Doctor! SOLON: There are some of us who would not agree with that, Doctor. SOLON: It worked, Condo. He is ours! CONDO: We take head now? SOLON: You put that away. This will be no crude butchery. A head such as this, a head that will soon command the universe, must be taken with care and skill. Every step must be planned. Every suture, every small incision has to be perfect. This will be my great triumph, Condo. A thousand years from now, people will remember Solon's last and greatest operation. CONDO: Not last, master. Me last. SOLON: What? CONDO: Arm. You made promise. SOLON: Any third rate hack can fix an arm, but a head, the centre of the nervous system, that takes more than just skill. That takes genius. CONDO: Girl. SOLON: What girl? CONDO: Her. SOLON: Kill her. SOLON: Condo! I am anxious to get on. Now take him to the laboratory. I want to start my work. SOLON: Mind his head. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: A secondary cardiovascular system. So he's a Time Lord. I thought as much. That's excellent, because we have no problem of tissue rejection. CONDO: Time Lord dangerous. SOLON: What? CONDO: Much power, master. SOLON: Rubbish! The Time Lords are spineless parasites. Morbius offered them greatness once but he was betrayed and rejected. They'll pay for that mistake, Condo. These pacifist degenerates will be the first to feel the power of his revenge. SOLON: What's that for? Do you think I'm going to operate in this light? We need proper lighting and power for the instruments, so we have to repair the generators. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] SOLON: There is a lot to be done. I have to remove the Doctor's brain before I can start the operation. Hurry! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: (quietly) Doctor? Is that you? SARAH: Oh, Doctor, wake up.

The Tardis lands on the bleak planet Karn, in a spaceship graveyard, where The Doctor and Sarah find a evil scientist called Doctor Solon is constructing a new body for the brain of a evil time lord known as Morbius, whom The Doctor thought was executed by the high council on Gallifrey. Where Morbius with his new body plots to rule the galaxy.

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THE TWIN DILEMMA BY: ANTHONY STEVEN Part Three Running time: 24:27 [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor appears. A bit.) PERI: Did you see that? LT HUGO LANG: I think so. PERI: Do Doctor, I ahhh are you here? LT HUGO LANG: What in heaven's name is going on? You're flesh and blood at least. PERI: Leave me alone. DOCTOR: Oh, that stupid girl's watch. How I hate these hit or miss performances. PERI: Doctor, thank heavens, whatever happened? DOCTOR: Your watch stopped. I overcompensated, ended up in the wrong time zone. Ten seconds into your future. PERI: I thought you'd been killed. DOCTOR: You cared? PERI: Of course I did. DOCTOR: You know I'll never understand the people of earth. I have spent the day using, abusing, even tried to kill you. If you'd behaved as I have, I should have been pleased at your demise. PERI: It's called compassion, Doctor. It's the difference that remains between us. DOCTOR: Earthlings. LT HUGO LANG: Would someone like to tell me what is going on? DOCTOR: Ah, Corporal Lang, how are you? LT HUGO LANG: Lieutenant. I was fine, I'm not sure any more. My ship. DOCTOR: You were lucky to escape, no one else did. PERI: I'm sorry. What went wrong? LT HUGO LANG: I don't know, the controls seized, after that I don't remember anything til I came to in here. What is this place, who are you? PERI: I'm Peri, and this is the Doctor. He saved your life. DOCTOR: And we did not abduct the twins. LT HUGO LANG: Twins, what do you know about them? DOCTOR: Never mind about that now, look, do put that thing away will you? If you ever hope to see them again your only chance is to come with us. LT HUGO LANG: Where to? DOCTOR At a guess, Jaconda. LT HUGO LANG: All right, you don't leave me any choice, do you? DOCTOR: Not really. (On Jaconda.) ROMULUS: He was your friend. REMUS: That girl did you no harm. ROMULUS: You've left them there to die. AZMAEL: They will survive. Now if you don't mind. REMUS: And your name isn't Edgeworth ROMULUS It's Azmael. AZMAEL: Yes, yes, I agree, a small deception, now be patient and sensible. DRAK: Master. AZMAEL: What is it? DRAK: That blip on the scanner. AZMAEL: Yes. Very far ahead. DRAK: We're on the same course. AZMAEL: Oh, some merchant man. No concern of ours. NOMA: They will not survive. AZMAEL I don't understand. NOMA: The safe house. I set it to self destruct. AZMAEL: You madman, I gave no orders! NOMA: That is perfectly correct. AZMAEL: But it's murder! Why, Noma, why? NOMA: It is what the lord Mestor would have wished. (Back to the TARDIS.) PERI: But why would he want to kill us? DOCTOR: I don't know. PERI: And if he's going to Jaconda, why stop off Titan Three? LT HUGO LANG: Oh, that was just to put us off the scent. DOCTOR: No no no no no. No, no. No no nononono. No, consider what we know. Azmael, or whatever he happens to call himself needs the genius of the twins, he crosses galaxies to possess their minds. He says he's no longer master of his planet, but he wants to save his people. And that I cannot help him to do so. Even if he does believe such unimaginable rubbish he must be faced by some unimaginable disaster which has unhinged his mind. Well. We shall soon discover what it is. (On Jaconda.) MESTOR: Who is this creature? CHAMBERLAIN: A porter from the royal hatcheries, Master. MESTOR: What is his crime? CHAMBERLAIN: After routine search following his tour of duty, he was found to have this concealed on his person. MESTOR: What does it contain? CHAMBERLAIN: Vegetables from the royal hatcheries, Master MESTOR: The penalty is death. Have you anything to say? PRISONER: Mercy, great Master, mercy! My family is starving. MESTOR: Many are starving, it is no difference. Now your family will have to starve without your company. Stand aside, guards. You will suffer the maximum penalty - death by embolism. PRISONER: No, no not that. Shoot me! Ah! Aaaaaagghh! MESTOR: Cold storage. ** CLAP ON! ** The carcass may be of use to our slaves if this famine continues. Azmael will soon be here? CHAMBERLAIN: Yes, Master. MESTOR: When he arrives, have him escorted to his laboratory with the earthlings. I will see him there. (On the surface. The TARDIS materializes.) DOCTOR: Haaaa. Jaconda the beautiful. PERI: You call this beautiful? Doctor, it's absolutely ghastly! DOCTOR: Oh no. It should not be true. The giant gastropods. LT HUGO LANG: What are you talking about? DOCTOR: Half humanoid, half slug, part of Jacondan mythology. PERI: So? DOCTOR: Well, just look around you, look at the devastation. PERI: Gastropods did this? DOCTOR What else? PERI: Are you sure your mind isn't wandering again? DOCTOR: Of course not. So, it wasn't a myth after all. Somewhere somehow their seed survived. Now they have returned. LT HUGO LANG: Nonsense. DOCTOR: You think so? LT HUGO LANG: Well of course it is. DOCTOR: I wish I could agree with you. This was once a forest grove. Look at the trees! No trace of foliage. The very bark stripped of the trunks. And the soil! Barren. Nothing but these telltale tracks. The slime trails of the giant gastropods. I fear the evidence is quite conclusive. PERI: Doctor. You're beginning to scare me. DOCTOR: I'm beginning to scare myself, Peri. PERI: Now what? DOCTOR: Into the TARDIS. I must think. (On the freighter.) AZMAEL: Freighter to Jaconda control. Freight to Jaconda control. FLIGHT CONTROLLER: Receiving you freighter. AZMAEL: Approaching re-entry, permission to touch down at omega intersection. FLIGHT CONTROLLER: You are clear to approach. AZMAEL: Thank you control. FLIGHT CONTROLLER: On arrival report to palace. Transport will be waiting. Out. (In the TARDIS.) PERI: What are you gonna do? DOCTOR: Panic at any moment. LT HUGO LANG: Where is Edgeworth likely to have taken the twins? DOCTOR: The palace. LT HUGO LANG: Well shouldn't we go there? DOCTOR: And be killed? LT HUGO LANG: Just give me directions and I'll go alone, if you're afraid. DOCTOR: Me, afraid? LT HUGO LANG Well, aren't you? DOCTOR: You have a nasty habit of pinpointing the truth, young man. PERI: We we we can't let him go alone! DOCTOR Watch me. PERI: Well you know what's out there, he doesn't! DOCTOR: Well then let him go to the palace, and he'll know as much as I do. PERI: Oh Doctor you must help. DOCTOR: Is this another attempt to teach me compassion? LT HUGO LANG: Just tell me where it is and I'll be happy to go alone. DOCTOR: It's all right for you! You're young, strong, fit of limb.You're confident in your mission,your energy's boundless, you're highly motivated to success. You even have a gun to enforce your will upon others. Look at me, I'm old, lacking in vigour, my mind's in a turmoil, I no longer know if I'm coming, have gone or even been. I'm falling to pieces! I no longer even have any clothes sense! PERI: Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself! DOCTOR: Self pity is all I have left. PERI: You've got the TARDIS. You still know how to operate it. Take the Lieutenant to the palace! LT HUGO LANG: Now, if you please. DOCTOR: As you wish. (Underground.) PERI: That's the seediest looking stately home I've ever seen. DOCTOR: Well you didn't expect me to materialise in the throne room. LT HUGO LANG: Where are the twins likely to be? DOCTOR: Anywhere. LT HUGO LANG: Well, I won't find them waiting around here. DOCTOR: I'll come with you. LT HUGO LANG: No need, thank you for bringing me here. DOCTOR: You didn't give me much choice! Now look, Sergeant - PERI: Lieutenant. DOCTOR AND LT HUGO LANG Lieutenant. DOCTOR: Don't be smug with me. Now I've already explained my condition, I may be behaving like a manic barometer, but don't shrug off help when it's offered. You can't afford to. LT HUGO LANG: I thank you for your offer, but frankly I find you unreliable. DOCTOR: So is most currency. Doesn't stop people from spending money wisely. PERI: The Doctor might be useful. LT HUGO LANG: Well, all right. But if you become unstable again, Doctor, I won't hesitate to kill you. (After the freighter lands.) ROMULUS: Where are you taking us? AZMAEL: You'll see. REMUS: Why do you like to play the man of mystery? ROMULUS: It's a role you play very badly. REMUS It's so blatantly transparent. AZMAEL: Continue to provoke me and the matter that contains your genius will finish up as so much animal fodder! (Back to the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Hideous. Utterly hideous! PERI: Are you sure this is the right place? DOCTOR: Hm? Absolutely. Azmael showed me once. This passage leads to the center of the palace. Used to be an underground bolthole in times of danger. Ah, seems to be clear. Shall we go? PERI: I just hope you don't get us lost. (To Azmael.) DOCTOR: Oh, definite possibility that. AZMAEL: This is where I work. The palace laboratory. CHAMBERLAIN: Greetings. ROMULUS What's in there? AZMAEL: Eggs. You're looking at Lord Mestor's incubator. The future citizens of Jaconda. REMUS: They're gastropod eggs. CHAMBERLAIN: Such knowledge. ROMULUS: Who is this? AZMAEL: One of Lord Mestor's lackeys. CHAMBERLAIN: Not quite, Azmael. I am a humble servant of the Lord Mestor. I am his Chamberlain. Welcome to the planet Jaconda. I will inform the Lord Mestor of your safe arrival. AZMAEL: If you must, do so. CHAMBERLAIN: It's my duty, he's commanded me. AZMAEL: Well hurry then. And you too, Noma. NOMA: No I must remain, I too have been commanded. AZMAEL: One day you will discover for yourselves that treason is universal. Let it not concern you now. And don't be afraid of what lies in store for us. (Back to the Doctor.) DOCTOR: This way. Come along. Ah, there they are. I don't know how old they are, but they tell the whole story. The Queen of Jaconda offended the sun god. This way. He inflicted a terrible revenge. He sent a creature, half humanoid, half slug. This creature's offspring were numberless. They ravaged the planet, the population starved. When he saw what he'd done the sun god relented. He sent a drought which destroyed the slugs. The people of Jaconda survived. That's the story as Azmael related it. PERI: Now what do you think? DOCTOR: It was more truth than myth. I think some dormant eggs survived. PERI: For how long? DOCTOR: Too long, it seems. Shut off the torch. Listen. PERI: What is it? DOCTOR: The sound of giant slugs. LT HUGO LANG: What a stench! DOCTOR: Their gastric tracts. Rotting vegetables. PERI: Or rotting flesh. LT HUGO LANG: Doctor. DOCTOR: Whatever is it now? LT HUGO LANG: I'm ... I'm stuck! DOCTOR: Oh no, I should have thought of that! Their slime trails harden like concrete, only far faster. LT HUGO LANG: Well never mind that, just get me out of it, you! DOCTOR: Easier said than done. PERI Well we can't leave him here. LT HUGO LANG: Maybe if I turn my gun down low I can melt the stuff. DOCTOR: Oh, if you like, but try not to burn your feet off. (To Azmael.) MESTOR: So these are your prodigies. They seem quite insignificant. AZMAEL: Their brains are not. MESTOR: We shall see. Have you told them why we need them? AZMAEL: Not in detail. So far they've simply worked to orders. MESTOR: I suggest that you do tell them. If they know that our purpose is benevolent, they may prove to be less intransigent. AZMAEL: Very well. MESTOR: How far advanced are you? AZMAEL: We need another day. MESTOR: Very well, I will leave you. AZMAEL: Mestor. Do not monitor my thoughts. MESTOR: Why not? AZMAEL: It interferes with my concentration. MESTOR: They may be treasonable thoughts. AZMAEL: There can be no treason without fellow conspirators, and aI have none. You control the minds of all my most faithful subjects. MESTOR: I do not trust you. AZMAEL: A mistake, Mestor. The last hope for my people is the success of this undertaking. I wouldn't allow my personal loathing for you to interfere with that. MESTOR: Very well. AZMAEL: Remove Noma, too. NOMA: Master. MESTOR: Until your work is done. AZMAEL: They don't trust you, either, that's why they've left you here, to see the measure of your treachery. DRAK: But I'm not a traitor. AZMAEL: True, but I believe they think you are my friend. DRAK: I would value your friendship. AZMAEL It could cost you your life. DRAK: I could think of worse reasons for dying. AZMAEL: Thank you. Now. Pay attention. That is our sun, that is Jaconda. Those are two lesser planets. Now I once ruled Jaconda, but now Mestor has usurped me. His kind takes all and gives nothing, there is nothing left for my people. REMUS: What are we supposed to do? AZMAEL: Help me to provide the only possible solution. ROMULUS: You'd better tell us what it is. AZMAEL: We need new sources of supply. And we're going to bring those two planets into orbit around Jaconda. TWINS: What? AZMAEL: Oh yes. And then they will have the same atmospheres and climates, they will be the larders of Jaconda. Everything is in readiness. All we lack is what you two possess, that mathematical delicacy that will stabilise those two planets in their new orbit. (Back to the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Now, let me see. We follow this passage to the end, flight of steps up to the palace hall, doorway at the left just up at the top. Yes, that's it. Private doorway into the back of his laboratory. That's where he's bound to be. PERI: Who? DOCTOR: What? PERI: Who will be there? DOCTOR: Me. Once I can get away from this fool. Will you hurry up? LT HUGO LANG: I'm doing the best I can. DOCTOR: Well it's not good enough! Look what you've done you stupid girl, you've ruined everything! PERI: It wasn't my fault! DOCTOR: Of course it was your fault, sheer carelessness! Switching off that torch when you did, don't argue with me! PERI: I will! I'm not letting a manic depressive paranoid personality like you shut me up! DOCTOR: Manic depressive! Me! PERI: Well can't you hear yourself? You're having another of your fits! DOCTOR: Right that's it, I'm off! LT HUGO LANG Calm down, Doctor! DOCTOR: Calm down? Calm da, calm down? The fate of a whole planet hanging in the balance and he tells me to calm down. LT HUGO LANG: Look, I'll be free in a moment. DOCTOR: Oh, fend for yourselves! PERI Oh, Doctor! LT HUGO LANG: Don't waste your breath, we'll manage. (Back to Azmael.) AZMAEL: Everything is controlled from this panel. When the information you provide has been fed into the computer, we shall operate this switch. REMUS: What happens if we refuse to help? AZMAEL: Then I shall have to kill you! I've already told you that this is the only way we can save my people. ROMULUS: Aren't you forgetting the consequence of what you're asking! AZMAEL: Look, everything has been considered, how many times must I tell you! REMUS: He's mad. REMUS: Quite mad. ROMULUS: Azmael! Edgeworth! DOCTOR (OUTSIDE): We won't do it! TWINS: You'll do as I tell you! AZMAEL: Still bullying children, eh? (He enters.) DOCTOR: Villain! Murderer! DOCTOR: Doctor! AZMAEL: (shouts something) DOCTOR: That's enough, Doctor! AZMAEL: DOCTOR: I apologize. However I still would like to know why you tried to murder us. DRAK: He didn't. ROMULUS: He didn't know. REMUS: It was Noma. AZMAEL: Look, I can't believe it. How did you escape? DOCTOR: That doesn't matter now. I think you better tell me what's going on here. (Back to Peri.) PERI: Pity about your boot. LT HUGO LANG: Never mind. Where to now? PERI: Find the Doctor. LT HUGO LANG: Right. (To Mestor.) PERI: No! No! Hugo! No! No! No! No! MESTOR: Who are these aliens on Titan Three? NOMA: A Time Lord and an earth girl. MESTOR: And Azmael would have let them live? NOMA: Yes. MESTOR: But now he knows them to be dead. NOMA: He does, I told him so. MESTOR: You have done well, Noma. NOMA: No more than is my duty. MESTOR: What have we here? NOMA: Impossible! She must have died! MESTOR: Is this the earth girl you say you killed? It seems you have not done so well after all. Where did you find her? JACONDAN GUARD: In a passage underneath the palace. MESTOR: Alone? JACONDAN GUARD: There was another with her. We left him half dead. MESTOR: This is a dangerous complication. Fetch him to me. At once! At once! (To Azmael and Doctor.) AZMAEL: That is the plan. Now what is your opinion? DOCTOR: You really intend to put it into operation? You know what'll happen, don't you? ROMULUS: We've already told him. AZMAEL The risks must be taken. DOCTOR: This is not a risk, Azmael, this is doomsday! One tiny error in your calculation you'll blow a small hole in the universe. LT HUGO LANG: Doctor! Doctor, they've got Peri! DOCTOR: Peri? Peri! AZMAEL: Stop him! DOCTOR: No, leave me, I must go to her! AZMAEL: And tell Mestor everything and condemn my plan to certain death? DOCTOR: But I must help her! AZMAEL: No, Doctor, if necessary she must die. DOCTOR: No. Peri!

The Doctor, Peri and Hugo Lang arrive on Jaconda only to discover the massive devastation that the planet has suffered. Azmael is told about the destruction of the Titan 3 outpost.

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Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is seeing a guest off the premises. Both are dressed in tuxedos, as are Niles, Martin and Bulldog who are also in the room. Roz and Daphne are decked out in elegant eveningwear. Frasier: [opening the front door as the guest walks out] Glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time. Well, I can't tell you how much fun this has been. Listen, now that you know the way don't be a stranger. OK. Good night! [closes the door after the man] Who the hell was that? Niles: He's not from the station? Roz: I never saw him before. Daphne: He was table-hopping like crazy during the awards. Martin: That's 'cause he was our waiter. Frasier: Well, that's the last time I say, "everybody back to my place!" Bulldog: [holding up his SeaBea] Who cares about that guy? This is a great night. Roz: For you, maybe. The rest of us lost. Bulldog: Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose. It's an honour just being nomin... [breaks into laughter] I couldn't get through that crap on stage, I can't get through it now! Roz: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone? Frasier: No, not at all. Who are you calling? It's practically midnight. Roz: Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did. [dials the number then starts speaking into the phone] Hey Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? We won again! We're all here celebrating. Roz holds up the phone to indicate they make some kind of noise of celebration. All they can muster is a half-hearted "YEAH!" sounding completely unconvincing. Roz: Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye. Niles: You lied to "Gammy?" Roz: Well, she's old and it makes her happy. She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle Pageant! Frasier: You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question... Martin: [preparing for the worst] Oh, here we go. Buckle up! Frasier: Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is. Though obviously there are certain occasions when a lie would be acceptable. Bulldog: Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed. "You're the best I've ever been with"; "Your thighs don't look that fat"; "Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy." [Bulldog notes the disgusted faces around the room] Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist; we live by different rules. Niles: An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it spares someone unnecessary pain. I'm reminded of Maris's brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her, "You look fine, darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse!" Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien. [laughs] Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any! Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head. [laughs again] Roz: How did Lilith find out? Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and Toby to a Junior Mensa meeting, she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "I can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants! Laughter all around. Daphne: I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told my school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip. [Daphne laughs hilariously whilst the others look slightly perturbed] Of course they were horrified and it didn't help my social life at all. [sighs] But for a while there it was nice having a sister. Niles nods his head in sympathy before subtly removing the glass of champagne from Daphne's hand and passing it to Frasier who nods his head in agreement. Niles: Oh. Remember in prep school when we were so desperate to avoid The President's Physical Fitness Test... Frasier: ...that we lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off. Niles: And we blamed that delinquent kid, John Rajeski. Frasier: Yes. Martin: [appalled] You did what? Frasier: What's wrong? Martin: You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that alarm. Frasier: [laughing] Well, of course we weren't going to tell you. Martin storms off into the kitchen. Niles: For Heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad. We were kids. Martin: [turning back] You know, the headmaster said it was you two. I went down there and raised hell with him. I said, "My kids don't lie." Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled! Frasier: [shocked] Expelled? If we'd have known that was going to happen we would have told the truth. Niles: [unrepentant] Not me. He was a brute and a meanie. Frasier: You're right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy." You don't have to be witty to be cruel. Martin: Well, I don't give a damn what that kid did. Getting him expelled was worse. [angrily] I'm going to bed. Good night, everybody. Everyone says good night as Martin goes through to the bedroom. Frasier: Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate. Apparently there are no good lies. Bulldog: Hey, hey, it's getting kinda heavy in here. We gotta liven this place up, huh? Hey, I know - party games, huh? All right Doc, I'm going to need a blindfold, whipped cream and a glass coffee table. [everyone looks mystified] What? Nobody went to camp? Roz: [getting up] Forget it, Bulldog. These guys are no fun. [grabs his butt as she walks past] You know what? I know a great after-hours place where we can go get a few drinks. Bulldog: [rushing after Roz to the front door] Now you're talking. Hey, if things go well I know an after after-hours place. And I got the keys. Roz: Mmm. You get the elevator; I'll get my coat. Bulldog: You're on. Bulldog rushes out and Roz closes the door behind him, firmly locking it. Roz: No good lies, my ass! Daphne laughs and Frasier and Niles toast each other with their champagne. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Café Nervosa. Niles walks in and sees Frasier sitting down. Niles hangs up his coat before sitting down. It is apparent that both brothers are wearing exactly the same suit right down to the shirt and tie. Niles: Good morning, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, good morning, Niles... [suddenly notices Niles's suit] Oh dear God - it's finally happened. This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave her specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity! Niles: I didn't use Renaldo. This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes. Niles and Frasier suddenly stop and stare tentatively at each other's shoes. They both reel back in horror as they realise they've got the same as well. Niles: [annoyed] Well, why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build? Frasier: Oh please. Niles: Obviously we have to sit apart. Frasier: Sit down! There's something I need to talk to you about. I doubt most people are as tuned to these things as you and I are. I'm sure they won't even notice. At this point the waitress approaches with two coffees. Waitress: [to Frasier] Here you are, double espresso. [to Niles] I took a chance and brought you the same thing. [leaves] Frasier: After our conversation last night I couldn't stop thinking about our getting John Rajeski expelled. I didn't sleep a wink. Niles: You can't be serious? Frasier: You mean it didn't bother you? Where is your conscience? Niles: Perhaps it fell into the quad - along with my hall monitor beret when John hung me from the flagpole! He was going to be expelled sooner or later. You cannot guilt me into feeling bad. Frasier: Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did but I still think we owe him an apology. Can I borrow your phone, Niles? Niles: Certainly. [hands over phone then suddenly realises] You're not going to call him? Frasier: I am. Niles: Are you insane? Frasier: [speaking into the phone] A number for a John Rajeski, please? [speaking to Niles] Niles, my conscience won't rest until the two of us have said we're sorry. [speaking into phone] Oh yes, connect me please. Niles: Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry. But don't tell him that. And if he asks, I'm living in Italy. No, no, France. No, Italy! Frasier: [speaking into the phone] Yes, hello. Is John Rajeski there, please? It's an old friend... Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Thank you. [hangs up] Niles, it's worse than we thought - he's in prison. Niles: [smug] Well... who's wearing shorts in the shower now? Frasier: Well, joke all you like. I still can't help thinking this is all our fault. Niles: How? Frasier: Well, he was always on the cusp. Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school. Maybe he had to go to public. Got in with the wrong crowd. Couldn't hold on to a job. He could turn to a life of crime. Niles: Frasier. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people. We did not set him on the path to prison. Frasier: Yes, well until I'm sure of that fact my conscience will not rest. I have got to speak with him. [to waiter] Can I have the check, please? Niles: [incredulous] You're not going down to the jail? Frasier: Yes, I am. I invite you to join me. Niles: [sarcastic] Yes, that's a good idea, Frasier. The Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits! [SCENE_BREAK] DEAD MAN TALKING Scene 3 - The prison. Frasier is nervously walking round a room bare except for a table and two chairs in the middle of the floor. John Rajeski is brought in by a guard. [N.B. John Rajeski is actually the name of one of the show's producer's assistants. He appears as a Cafe Nervosa waiter in [3.24], "You Can Go Home Again."] John: Frasier Crane? Frasier: John. John: [smiling and shaking his hand] Hey. How's it going? Frasier: Well, fine. And you? John: Eh... [shrugs and waves at his surroundings] What brings you down here? Frasier: Well, I don't know if you get the alumni magazine, but I became a psychiatrist, and I'm currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there... [notices John's fists] That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles. John: [laughs] I caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff. Niles: Oh, yes. I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria. As I recall you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher. John: Yeah, class clown - that was me. [both laugh at this] How is Niles, anyway? Frasier: Ah, er... ah, he's abroad now. John: Really? Whoa, that must have hurt. Frasier: No, no, I mean, er... yes, I suppose it did! Well anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here. John: Ah, that's easy. I'm doing time for passing a bad check. Frasier: Ah. [begins writing in his notebook] John: You see, I wanted to get my wife something nice. We're going through a rough time recently. I was scared she was going to leave me, you know? Frasier: [relieved] Well, that was quick and painless. We've identified the point where you fell off the beam. [gets up to leave] John: Actually though, I was already on probation. I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn't belong to me. Frasier: And that was your first infraction? John: Yeah. Frasier: [getting up again] Well then, case closed, mystery solved. A young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car. Is there anything more tragic? John: I did have a juvenile record. Frasier: [sitting down again] Apparently there is. John: I got in a high school fight. Frasier: You did say high school, not prep school? John: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is way after you knew me. I went bad then. Always getting into fights. Of course I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't have gotten thrown out of that good school me and you were in. That had a big effect on me you know? Frasier: Yes well, perhaps we could continue our backward journey through... John: [getting up] No, no, no. That was a bum rap. Somebody pulled the fire alarm and they blamed me for it. They said I did it but I didn't do it. Frasier: [becoming visibly worried] Let's discuss your early childhood. John: [stamping his fist off the desk in anger] You know, the more I think about it, this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school. Ever since then my life's been crap! CRAP! [now banging the desk in rage] Frasier: [hurriedly gathering his notebook and getting up] I think I have all the information I need now. John: Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that. Frasier: Well, that's all right, John. [shaking hands with John] Thank you for your time. John: I got plenty of it. I'll see you, huh? Frasier: [nervously thinking as John knocks on the door to leave] No, no, John. There's just one more thing. [turns to the guard who's ready to take John back] One second, please. [turns to John] There's something I need to tell you about, something that I did in school that I'm not very proud of... At this point a very large, very burly fellow prisoner covered in bruises and a neck cast appears at the door. Prisoner: Yo, John. Sorry I touched your comb, man. Needless to say Frasier looks frightened out of his wits as the prisoner scuttles off. John: So what did you do? Frasier: Er... well, I, er... I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz. John: [jokingly] And I'm the one who gets expelled? John is led away by the guard leaving Frasier wondering how he can break the news to John. End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is sitting back in his chair. Daphne opens the front door to a limping, leaning Niles. Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane Niles: Hello, Daphne, Dad. Daphne: Something wrong with your back? Niles: I injured it this morning playing squash. I had to make a dive to save match point. Daphne: Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that. You take off your jacket, I'll be right back. [goes to the powder room] Niles: You're too kind. You know, I should never even have attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick. Daphne looks suitably impressed before closing the door. Martin: You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you? Niles: Quiet! Daphne returns with a small tub of something. Daphne: All right, pull out your shirttails and lay facedown on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you'll be feeling much better. [Niles lies down and mutters a moan of satisfaction] I haven't even touched you yet! Niles: I started without you. Daphne proceeds to rub Niles's back with some sort of liniment. Martin: [concerned] Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna use that stuff on him, are you? She used it on me one time, it burned like hell! Daphne: Oh, hush up, old man. It helped you, didn't it? Martin: It nearly killed me! Daphne: Listen to the big tough policeman. You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane? Niles: [in heaven] Not a bit! Frost me like a cake! Martin: Well, just wait a minute. It goes on cool but it then it turns into a blowtorch. Daphne: Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is, don't we? Niles: I should say we d...[winces slightly] Ooh! Martin smiles at him. Daphne: Is it starting to warm up? Niles: [wincing a little more] Ahh, yeah! It's a... refreshing heat, like those towels they give you on the airplane. [clearly feigning pleasure] Whoooo! Daphne: I'm not hurting you, am I? Niles: No, no. I'm just a little ticklish back there. He bites down on the pillow to muffle his screams. Martin: Well, I guess you are the tough one! Daphne: [getting up] There you go. Martin: Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne - you missed a big spot right there. Niles: [hastily getting up] No, that's OK! Because it's all done now! Thank you, Daphne! [in agony] A few minutes ago I was bent over in pain, [rushes for the kitchen bounding over the coffee table] but now look at me, I'm running! Niles heads straight for the refrigerator, finds a bag of frozen peas and stuffs them down the back of his shirt, followed by the tub of ice cream. He turns around and desperately rubs his back against the fridge. Back in the living room Daphne is talking to Martin. Daphne: How is that hip of yours, anyway? Martin: Back off, witch woman! The front door opens and Frasier walks in. Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Evening, Daphne. Martin: How did you get on at the jail? Frasier: Horribly! The man is convinced that getting thrown out of prep school was the beginning of his life of crime. Martin: Been thinking that all these years? Frasier: [disconsolate] No. I sort of connected the dots for him! Martin: You tell him it was you? Frasier: I intended to, but I became convinced that the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties. Martin: Well, you probably made the right call. Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up worse than he would anyway. Niles: [emerging from the kitchen] I hope you remembered to tell him I was an expatriate. Frasier: I told him you were an ex-something. [Niles looks confused.] You know, I just feel so guilty. I have done this man a terrible injustice. Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, I've always believed life has a way of balancing itself out. Yes, you may have treated this man unfairly, but think of all the people you've helped on your show. Just yesterday you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes. Martin and Niles both stop what they're doing and look up confused. Frasier: That was sweets, not Swedes! Daphne: I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals. Frasier: You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It's not enough that I help other people, I want to help this man. Niles: Well, I hope you do, Frasier because then finally you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your... [bends over and suddenly cries out in agony] Oh, pain's back! Martin: Not to worry. She's got more liniment. Niles: [suddenly standing upright still in agony] Oh, pain's gone! Daphne: Come on now. Be brave. [drags Niles's behind her] Let's go into the loo and I'll give you a second coat. Niles stretches out his hand in a last-ditch bid to stay out of Daphne's clutches but Martin just smiles at him as he is dragged into the powder room. Frasier: You know, Dad, Daphne gave me a thought. I'm a skilled couples' therapist. John did mention that he was having marital problems... Martin: Oh, Jeez! Frasier: [heading for the phone] No, no, Dad. This is perfect, this is perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man's life but with my gift I could save the next 25. [speaks into the phone] Yes, a listing for a John Rajeski, please. Martin: I'm telling you, Frasier, don't get mixed up with this guy. He's a felon. Frasier: Dad, just relax, please - I know what I'm doing. [speaks into the phone] Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me but I'm... A piercing scream comes from the bathroom as the second coat is obviously being applied. Frasier: Why - well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband's! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Susan Rajeski's apartment. Frasier knocks on the door and Susan opens. Frasier: Mrs. Rajeski? Susan: Wow, it's really you - Frasier Crane! Frasier: May I? Susan: Oh gosh, I'm sorry. Please, please come in. [Frasier walks in] You know, you're kind of like a God at work. [Frasier looks a bit humbled] Please, please sit down. Frasier: [sitting down] Thank you. Let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help? Susan: Well, I love John. I really do, but there is a problem. It's just a little difficult talking about it, you know? I mean, it's a little embarrassing - especially face-to-face. Frasier: Well, I'll tell you what. Just pretend I'm on my radio show, [turns his back to Susan] and now you're just another caller. Susan: OK. Well, Dr. Crane, it's a sexual problem. Frasier: Ah. Susan: You see, I can only get really turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous. Frasier: [turning round] Dangerous? Susan: You're looking at me. Frasier: [turning back round] Sorry. Susan: Like doing it in a car. Frasier: Well, that's not so dangerous. Susan: You must be some driver. Frasier: [realises] Oh. And you've never had an accident? Susan: No, I'm on the pill! Frasier: [back still turned] So how long have you had this particular kink? Susan: [standing up starts playing with her buttons] Well, I don't know really. It kind of started around the time that I first met John. I was working in a convenience store, I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew we were rolling around on the Slurpy machine and I'd already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way... She rips off her dress to reveal a sexy black negligee. Frasier is still sitting on the couch, back turned, unaware. Susan: That's when I realised what really turns me on - knowing I could get caught at any moment. [leaps onto Frasier's lap] Frasier: [horrified] Oh, Dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he? Susan: He could walk in at any time. Frasier: He'll kill us! Susan: [writhing in pleasure] Ooh, touch me here and say that. Frasier: [struggling up with Susan still attached] ARE YOU CRAZY?! He doesn't even let people touch his comb! Susan: I know. What's that all about? Frasier: [backing off] You might like to put your dress back on, straighten up before he gets home. As Frasier heads for the front door there is a rattling on the other side. John is home. John: Open up. Frasier: [panicking] You only have time for one - I suggest the dress. Where's the bedroom? Susan: You're in it. Frasier: Listen, you've got to get him out of here. Susan: [excited] And pass the chance to have s*x with him knowing he could find you here at any minute? She heads for the front door with a huge grin on her face. Meanwhile Frasier hides behind the sofa. Susan opens the door to John. Susan: [hugging John] Welcome home, baby! John: [hugging Susan then noticing the negligee] What are you doing? Susan: Well, I'm just getting ready for you. Oh, I missed you. So, do you want to? John: Sure I do, but, er... you mean normally. The super's not going to barge in? You didn't dial 911 or anything like that? Susan: I've got everything I need right here in this room. Behind the sofa, Frasier rolls his eyes. John: [kissing Susan] I'm just going to pull down the shades. [heads for the shades, which are next to the sofa] Susan: Wait, wait! John walks behind the sofa then stops suddenly as he looks down. John: [angrily] What the hell is this?! Susan looks caught, but he bends down and picks up a pair of high heels. John: How much did you spend on these? Susan: Oh, Johnny, can't we talk about that later? John: [hugging Susan] Why don't you turn off the light? Susan turns off the light. Unfortunately the moonlight streams in through the open window, highlighting Frasier's silhouette hiding behind a paper screen, clearly visible behind John. Susan hurriedly switches the lights back on. Susan: It's too dark. I want to see you. John: Whatever you want, baby. This is going to be great. I am going to make love to you all night. Frasier, still in hiding, throws his hands up in despair. John: But first, I have a surprise for you. I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] "I am a garden, dry and brown. You are the rain that tumbles down, Susan. I am a beggar that needs to eat, you are a sandwich thick with meat, Susan." By now Frasier has had enough and, revisiting his childhood, he holds a lighter up to the smoke alarm. Needless to say this switches the sprinkler system on, practically drowning John and Susan. John: Oh my God. I knew you had something planned - you set the building on fire! Susan: No I didn't, I swear. John: Come on, let's get out of here. Susan: Oh, but the firemen - they're on their way. John: Come on! John grabs Susan and drags her out of the now-soaked room. A drenched Frasier emerges from his hiding place looking satisfied with himself. He picks the poem up that has been left on the sofa, takes one look at it then discards it with a look of disgust. He checks the doorway before walking out. End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Eddie is on the sofa in Frasier's Apartment whilst Niles goes to put a magazine onto the coffee table. Unfortunately as he bends down he gets stuck again and is in obvious pain. Eddie looks on. Cue Daphne who rushes out the bedroom and sees Niles in distress. She rushes over to help and Niles, deciding that he's not going through the burning process again, pretends that he is actually leaning down to stroke Eddie. After much pretending and feigning of smiles, Daphne believes him and goes back to the bedroom. Niles waits until she is gone before struggling to the front door in agony and gets out as fast as he can.

A discussion of the moral balance of polite lying leads to the recollection of a transgression the boys perpetrated against a bully in high school. They activated a fire alarm to avoid P.E. class and blamed the other student, who was summarily expelled. Feeling guilty, the brothers attempt to contact and reconcile with the man, only to discover that he is a convict. While visiting him, Frasier convinces both himself and the man that his expulsion led directly to his current situation. Frasier also learns that the man possesses a violent temper, and so does not tell him the full story of his expulsion. However, his guilt persists, and he decides to assuage it by smoothing over the bully's troubled marriage. Frasier meets with the man's wife, who says that their marital problems are caused by her sexual interest in danger , and then molests Frasier just before her husband arrives. Frasier hides from the violent ex-con in his apartment, then uses his lighter to activate the room's smoke alarm so that he might escape.

fd_FRIENDS_10x13

fd_FRIENDS_10x13_0

Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hi All: Hey! Hi! Rachel: How was the honeymoon? Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic! Rachel: Oh! Chandler: So, where's Mike? Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there! Joey: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help. Phoebe: Oh, why? What's up? Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in. Ross: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé. Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo? Ross: (whispering) It was ok... Rachel: I did not know you spoke French. Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors? Rachel: Oh... you're so sexy! Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play. Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami. Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.] Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron? Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour. Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce? Ross: (he enters) Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: You guys know where Rachel is? Monica: No, we haven't seen her since this morning. Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand) Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Monica: These are for Erica! Ross: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies? Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat! Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit? Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building... Chandler: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"! Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it? Ross: (looking at Rachel entering with Emma) Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late! Rachel: Ross... Ross: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's? Rachel: My father had an heart attack... (crying) ...while I was at Barney's. Ross: Oh my God. Monica: Honey. Chandler: I'm so sorry... Ross: Is-is he ok? Rachel: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated. Ross: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now. Rachel: No, come on, I'm totally ok. (hugging him) I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own. Ross: Still-still, let me come... for me. Rachel: Ok. If you really need to. Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies. Rachel: Oh, I really could. Ross: Oh! Rachel: Ohh... (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily) [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's trying to teach Joey French, so she's sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.] Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude". Joey: Je de coup Clow. Phoebe: Well, just... let's try it again. Joey: Ok. Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey: Je depli mblue. Phoebe: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying. Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me. Phoebe: It does, really? Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen. Joey: Got it. Phoebe: (slowly) Je m'appelle Claude. Joey: Je te flouppe Fli. Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu! Joey: Oh, de fuff! Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey you guys. Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey. Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby! Phoebe: Oh! Monica: Joey. Erica, baby! Joey: Hi. Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby! Chandler: Monica. Calm, self. Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here! Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"? Chandler: Why would you say that? Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today? Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center... Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty. Erica: Oh yeah, let's do that! Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This baby'd better to be really good. [Scene: Hospital.] Rachel: (stopping a nurse who's coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green. Ross: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller. Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here. Rachel: Can somebody please go in? Nurse: Absolutely. Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him. Rachel: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him! Ross: I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick! Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out. Ross: I'm feeling better. Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh? Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok? Ross: He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine! Rachel (leaving): Ok. (Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.) Ross: Did the TV wake you? Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter. Ross: Ouchy. Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller? Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So what's new? Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack. Ross: Right, is it painful? Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you? Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here. Dr. Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately? Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH! [Scene: Joey's apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.] Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey: Je do call blue! Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je". Joey: je. Phoebe: m'ap Joey: mah Phoebe: pelle Joey: pel. Phoebe: Great, ok faster! "je" Joey: je. Phoebe: m'ap Joey: mah Phoebe: pelle Joey: pel. Phoebe: Je m'appelle! Joey: Me pooh pooh! Phoebe: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you! Joey: What are you doing? Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves) Joey: (he goes out calling her) Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh. [Scene: Green's mansion. Rachel's Room. Rachel's is combing her hair; Ross's coming into the room] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack. Rachel: Uh. (pause) Did you call your parents? Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great. Rachel: Oh good. Ross: Wow. Rachel: What? Ross: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room. Rachel: What do you mean? You've been in my room before! Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room. Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name. Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You ok? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: You had a rough day, uh? Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick! Ross: But we do! (pause) It's gonna be ok, Rach! Rachel: (she's sad) Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital! Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look... Rachel: What? Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok? Rachel: Really, I shouldn't feel guilty? Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest. Rachel: Ok, maybe you're right. Ross: (he kisses her on her forehead) Good night. Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while? Ross: Sure! Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today. Ross: Oh, of course... Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room! Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug) Rachel: I just don't want to be alone tonight. Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea. Rachel: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we? Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you. Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy! Ross: Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go! Rachel: Wow. Ok. Ross: I'll see you in the morning (he leaves). Rachel: Mhm-mh! Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) Haven't had s*x in four months, I should get a medal for that! [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Erica have just arrived.] Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time. Monica: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming. Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome! Monica: What is with you? Chandler: Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know. Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing. Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around. Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you. Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... (Monica and Chandler look at each other) Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father? Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear) Chandler: That's great. Erica: Yeah... it's almost definitely him. (Monica and Chandler look confused now) Monica: How's that now? Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped. Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too? Erica: No, he's in prison. (More shocked looks from Monica and Chandler) Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? (They look hopeful) Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandler's jaws drop) But other than that, he's a great guy. Chandler: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so. (Time lapse. Chandler and Monica are in bed now) Monica: Are you awake? Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on) Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy. Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer. Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently? Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is. Monica: How? Chandler: I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right? Monica: Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting. Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm! [Scene: Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.] Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk! Tape: Good job. Joey: Thank you. (Phoebe enters) Phoebe: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again. Joey: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good! Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it. Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See? Phoebe: Well, you're not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH! Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part. Phoebe: How could you possibly think that? Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.] Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee? Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him) Ross: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross) Ross: You sure you're alright? Rachel: (coldly) Yep. Ross: (knowing she's not alright) O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave) Rachel: FYI.. Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is... (he comes back) Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy s*x... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him) Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied! Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well... Rachel: Oh stop that! Ross: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding. Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side) Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you. Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. Ross: I gotta say, I have not had s*x a lot of times before, this is the worst ever. Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms) Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having s*x again. Rachel: What? Ross: That's right, s*x is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having s*x with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.] Chandler: Hey! How was lunch? Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife) Chandler: (struggling) Oh, really? Erica: No! (To Monica) You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing. Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test? Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is. Chandler: Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it? Monica: (smiling) No it's not. Chandler: How do you know? Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in s*x Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way. Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do? Monica: The thing we never do. Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe! [Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey's on stage and she sits down. He hasn't seen her.] Director: Whenever you're ready Joey. Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo. Casting assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on? Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up! Director: Joey, do you speak French? Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof! Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.) Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder. Director: You really think this man is speaking French? Joey: Sa-sa-saw! Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He's my little bother. He's a bit retarded.) (The director looks at Joey and he nods.) Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?) Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part. Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good? Director: It was great. Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See! Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.) Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.] Ross: Emma's down for the night. Rachel: Oh, good. Ross: So uh... I guess I wanna take off. Rachel: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me. Ross: Oh, no problem. Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole s*x thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again. Ross: Thank you. I'm glad you agree. Rachel: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good. Ross: Yeah... Yeah, that's true. Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...? Ross: Oh, ye-ah! Rachel: You know it was you're uhm... birthday... Ross: ...Valentine's day... Both: (long pause, they realize) Oh yeah! Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now. Ross: Hmmm-mmmm. Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time? Ross: Not even once. Rachel: No matter how much we want it. Ross: Even if we want it really bad. Rachel: That's what we decided. Ross: Uhm, right! Rachel: ...It's kinda hard though! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste. Ross: ...I hate waste. Rachel: ...Ross? Ross: Yes? Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.) Ross: Damn it. It's never off the table. (he leaves the apartment) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are "updating" Joey's resumé.] Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance? Joey: No. Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil) Phoebe: Archery? Joey: No. Phoebe: Horseback riding? Joey: Would fall off a lot. Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? Joey: That I can do. Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready? Phoebe: Ready... GO! (Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.) Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it!

Phoebe tries to teach Joey how to speak French for a play. Rachel's dad has a heart attack, so she goes to Long Island, accompanied by Ross, to visit him, which leads Rachel to want sympathy sex with Ross, but he turns her down since he thinks it's not a good idea. Rachel, the next morning, becomes mad at Ross because of this and he says they should never have sex again, saying it's "off the table". Back in the city, Rachel again thanks Ross for coming with her and the two comment about their history of sleeping together. Rachel says for her and Ross, it's "never off the table", confusing him and he leaves. Meanwhile, Erica , the birth mother, comes for a visit and reveals that the father of her baby may be a shovel killer, which is not the case as the father is another guy she slept with.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_05x03

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_05x03_0

[Restaurant – Jen, Joey and Audrey sit at a table for a meal. A waitress is taking their order.] Waitress: Great. I'll be right back with your drinks, ladies. Audrey: This place got an amazing write-up in timeout: Boston. I'm really glad I decided to tag along. Joey: You mean invite yourself. Audrey: Will you stop? (Jen's cell phone rings) Nobody believes that you don't adore me. Jen: (answering her phone) Hello? Joey & Audrey: (singing) Char-lie! Jen: (into phone) Ha! Hi. Audrey: (to Joey) So do we like this Charlie? Joey: We don't really know this Charlie. She seems to keep this Charlie pretty much to herself. Audrey: I'm a little concerned. This is all sounding very “Nine 1/2 Weeks” to me. (Jen hangs up) Booty call? Jen: Pretty much. Yeah. Audrey: Oh! I knew it. Joey: Are you gonna go? Jen: I don't know. I could use the snuggles. Audrey: See, that's what I miss most about not having a boyfriend-- the snuggling. It's better than s*x. If only guys knew how easy it was to make us happy. Joey: Yeah, but you know what? Even if they did know, they'd still screw it up. Snuggling to them is merely just a means to an end. Jen: I mean, I've been seeing Charlie for a week, and the only thing that I really know about him is that his boxers are from The Gap. Audrey: Well, there are worse things, you know? Jen: Such as? Audrey: Well, for instance, he could be a tighty-whitey guy. Jen and Joey: Oh! Jen: Oh, good point! Joey: Ok. On that note... I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and when I get back, I'd like it very much if this week's episode of “s*x and the City” had come to an end. Jen: Ok, Charlotte. (Joey heads to the bathroom when she stops short. Her face turns serious as they show what she's looking at – A guy who looks like Pacey scene through a window in the door to the kitchen. As a waitress comes out of the kitchen, the door swings open and Pacey is in full view. Opening credits.) [Restaurant – Joey moves to a bench near the restroom, followed by Jen.] Joey: I wonder how long he's been in town. Jen: 3 and 1/2 weeks. Joey: You think it's been that long? Jen: Yeah, I'm positive. Joey: You knew? Jen: Only that he was in Boston, not that he was working at this restaurant. I swear. Joey: Why didn't you tell me? Jen: Because he made me promise not to. Joey: I should go. Jen: No, Joey... don't you want to see him or talk to him? Joey: Of course I want to see him, but he obviously doesn't want to see me. Jen: No-- you don't know that. Joey: 3 1/2 weeks. Jen, if he wanted to see me, he would have, and if he wanted to see me, he wouldn't have asked you not to tell me. (she gets up and walks out) [Grams' House – Dawson is in the living room when Grams returns with blankets and a pillow.] Dawson: Grams, thank you again for letting me stay here. Grams: I quite enjoy having an expatriate sleeping on my sofa. Makes it feel like Paris in the twenties around here. Alas, no crepes, but I did bake you some Rice Krispie squares for your bus trip tomorrow. Dawson: Oh, how can I be so sure about something and so nervous about doing it at the same time? Grams: Staying in Boston. It's a big decision. Dawson: Well, I can handle it. It's just telling my parents I'm worried about. Grams: Well, they might surprise you. Dawson: Maybe I should just give it more time. Grams: Because of your busy schedule? Dawson: Because I-- I don't even know what I'm gonna tell them. Grams: The truth will set you free. Dawson: The truth will tick them off. Maybe a letter. Grams: If Moses could face Pharaoh, you can face your parents. [Frat House – People are partying and drinking while Jack and “Blossom” sit on the couch playing PS2. They are yelling and laughing over the game they are playing, until Jack finally scores and they cheer.] Blossom: Oh, yes! Whoo! Yes! You are the man, Jack. You the man. Jack: All right. Man can't breathe. Blossom: (introducing Jack to someone) Jack, this is Polar Bear. Jack: Hey! Polar Bear: Welcome to Sigma house, Jack. Good to have you. Jack: (shaking hands) Thanks, man. Polar Bear: How are your classes going? Jack: Not bad. Not bad. Polar Bear: Thompson's Astro class is a bitch, huh? Jack: (surprised) Yeah. It is, actually. That's the one class I'm really struggling with. How'd you know that? Polar Bear: (handing him a business card) Call me. We'll talk about the topic of your pop quiz next week. Pete: (walking up) Blossom, this the guy? Blossom: Jack McPhee, Pete Willard. Pete: How you doing, Jack? Welcome to the house. Jack: Thanks. Pete: So you get any time on the links lately? Jack: Oh, man, I wish. It's kind of hard to scare up a golf game with the college crowd. Blossom: Pete's on a full-ride golfing scholarship at Boston Bay. Jack: I don't think we're playing the same game. Pete: Ah, you can shoot under par at Capeside Country Club, you can hang. So you interested in helping me humiliate a couple of ATO's Sunday morning? Jack: Yeah, I'd love to. Pete: All right, man. Good to meet you. Jack: Cool. Thanks. Pete: Later, buddy. Blossom: (handing him a plate with a baked potato and a glass of beer) Here you go, man. Jack: You got to be kidding me. How do you know so much about me? Blossom: A bid to Sigma Ep is for life. Before we extend that privilege, we pretty much make sure we know everything about each guy rushing the house. Jack: Actually, Blossom, look, I think I should probably— Blossom: Excuse me. I think a pledge just accepted his bid. I got a new brother. (he walks off to join a bunch of frat guys carrying another guy around and singing the Sigma Ep song.) [Restaurant – Kitchen. Pacey is peeling potatoes when Karen walks in with a salad.] Karen: This loudmouthed blond girl just returned her Caesar salad because of the anchovies. [Imitating Audrey] She, like, hates anchovies. Pacey: So? Karen: You wouldn't understand. Pacey: You want to know something I really don't understand? Danny hires me on as the new cook, right? But then he won't let me cook. I don't know about you, but this, to me, looks a lot like potato peeling. Karen: You're not wearing the hat. Why aren't you wearing the hat? There are health regulations, you know. Pacey: I would sooner slap on a pair of chaps, ok? Karen: Fine, Pacey. Don't wear the hat. Pacey: All right. Is it just me, or are you not liking me so much tonight? What? Now you're not even talking to me? Karen: I'm working. Pacey: No, you're waiting. Karen: I'm thinking. Pacey: Well, you're usually talking. Karen: Did it ever occur to you that I might actually have other things to do besides stand around the kitchen and yak it up with the new prep cook? Pacey: You see a prep cook? Because that actually refers to somebody who would cook, which I'm not doing. All I'm doing is peeling potatoes, so I know you couldn't be talking to me. [Charlie's Dorm – Jen shows up for her booty call.] Jen: Just so you know, um, this is not gonna become a regular thing. Charlie: What's not? Jen: You calling, me just showing up here in the middle of the night like this. Charlie: Yeah, but you didn't just show up. You know, I could have gotten a pizza in less time than it took you. Actually, two pizzas, deep-dish, Chicago-style. (he starts to kiss her) Jen: Chicago? Is that where you're from? Charlie: (trying to kiss her) Not exactly. Jen: Well, um... where exactly? Charlie: Do we really need to talk about this right now? Jen: Yes... because we've been, you know, whatever for a week now, and I feel like I don't know the most basic things about you. Charlie: (kissing her) Come on. Sure you do. Jen: Where'd you grow up? Charlie: (more kissing) All over. Jen: Where d you go to high school, then? Charlie: Lots of places. Jen: (breaking free from Charlie) Ok, see... that's what I mean. These-- these are not real answers. Charlie: Come on. So? The real answers are boring and long. Jen: And what? You only provide them on a need-to-know basis? Charlie: Yes. Highland park, Illinois. Not exactly the birthplace of cool. All right? Jen: There. Wasn't so hard, was it? Charlie: It was torture. [Capeside – The Leery Residence. Dawson stands in the backyard looking at the Creek. Suddenly Mitch comes outside.] Mitch: Dawson? Dawson: Hey, dad. [Leery Residence – Living room. Dawson is looking at the couch.] Dawson: New couch. Mitch: Your mom's been on a redecorating kick ever since you left. Dawson: I like it. Mitch: I miss my old one. Gale: (coming downstairs) Dawson! Oh, I can't believe it! What a surprise! Oh! Is this really you? Dawson: It's really me. Gale: Oh, look at you! Oh, my God. You are thin as a rail. Mitch: I want to hear about L.A. You get that deal with Dreamworks yet? Gale: Did you get the cookies that I sent you? Dawson: No, actually, I didn't. I haven't gotten the cookies because I haven't gotten my mail in L.A. For over a week. Mitch: Class is really that intense, huh? Well, good. You'll learn something. Dawson: I haven't gotten my mail because I haven't been in L.A. Gale: Uh, I don't get it. Dawson: I've been in Boston. Gale: Uh... still not getting it. Dawson: Um... guys, USC Is not for me. I want to drop out. I know this comes as a surprise to both of you, but I spent the whole summer in L.A., And I went to every single one of my classes, and the main thing that I learned about LA is that LA is just not where I want to be right now. Gale: And Boston is? Dawson: All my friends are in Boston. Gale: Oh, honey. You'll make new friends in California. It just takes some time. Dawson: Mom, it's more than that. It's more than that. I'm... I'm at a profound crossroads in my life, and I know that if I don't choose this path, I'm going to have significant regrets. Gale: Hmm Where would you live? Dawson: Uh, with Jack and Jen at Grams'. Gale: What would you do? Dawson: Find a new school. Gale: Oh, Dawson. Dawson: Mom, I know I sound like a complete flake, but I promise you, I've given this a lot of thought. Mitch: I've given this some thought myself, and I've decided... you're not dropping out. Dawson: It doesn't work like that, dad. Mitch: If you're going to stand here and talk to me about crossroads and paths so you can drop out of school and go crash on a sofa, then don't presume to talk to me like you're an adult. (he walks out of the room) Gale: (Lily starts to cry through the monitor) Oh! Lily, I know how you feel. (she goes upstairs leaving Dawson alone.) Dawson: Welcome home. [Joey's Dorm – Joey is cleaning out something as Audrey tries to get her to open up.] Audrey: Ok. So who's the guy? Joey: What guy? Audrey: The guy who you saw at the restaurant last night that obviously has some huge impact on your life. Joey: Audrey, the only guy that has an impact on my life right now is James Joyce, and I can't focus on him until I get this room in order. Audrey: You know... back in L.A., I was something of a therapist to a lot of my friends. People would call me all the time to talk about their problems. Some even paid the surcharge to call from the valley, and lucky you, you've got me here whenever you want me. Joey: Lucky me. Audrey: So why don't you stop cleaning up the mess and tell me about him? Joey: Don't you have a lacrosse team to date or something? Audrey: I have this theory about you. You want to hear it? Joey: No. Audrey: You love academia because of the rules, and you hate relationships because of the lack of them. So do you want to see him or not? Joey: Yes. No. Yes, but only if he wants to see me, and he obviously doesn't. Audrey: Ha! God, you're dense. Of course he wants to see you. Joey: What makes you say that? Audrey: Because... you're beautiful and you don't know it. Because you're smart and you don't believe it. You're the kind of girl that guys never get over. Joey, you're the kind of girl that other girls get compared to. Joey: I don't-- I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Audrey: Why do I think you don't want to make yourself feel uncomfortable? Joey: It's complicated. I mean, it ended messy, and I don't want to make things worse. Audrey: Joey, no one's gonna grade you on how you handle this, you know? No one's gonna come along and tell you what's expected so you know how to succeed. Relationships are messy. That's their nature. They start messy, and they end messy, and if you ever want to have another relationship in your life, you better just stop worrying about the mess. [Frat House – the following day. Jack sleeping on the couch when he is woken up by Blossom.] Blossom: (handing him an envelope) Do you know what this is, McPhee? Jack: I'm not even sure where I am. Blossom: The inner chapter room. Sigmas don't let you drink and drive. We plan on keeping our house. See these pictures on the wall? Every one of these Sigma men looked at the very same thing you're looking at right now. This is your future, Jack. Open it. Jack: (opening his invitation) Wow! What happens if I accept? Blossom: You live in the house, you eat your meals here, your problems become our problems, your success, our success. We're your brothers, your family. What do you think, Jack? Jack: I--I don't know what to think. It's all kind of overwhelming. Blossom: There comes a point in every man's life when he has to ask himself that one fundamental question-- am I in or am I out? Jack: Yeah... yeah, I've asked myself that question, actually, and I think you guys really need to know the answer. (they all look at him) I'm gay. Blossom: (the guys laugh a little) You thought we didn't know that? Jack: Most people are surprised. Blossom: Most people aren't Sigma people. You're sigma people, Jack. You're one of us. Jack: You mean, there's other guys in the house that are gay? Blossom: You'd be the first. Jack: Most fraternities are not particularly well known for, you know, their tolerance towards alternative lifestyles. Blossom: Which is precisely why we need you in this house, McPhee. Listen, Sigma Ep has a reputation for being one of the roughest, party-hearty, alpha male fraternities on campus, a reputation which is not entirely unfounded. The dean wants us to diversify. The dean gets what the dean wants, so, yes, Jack, we know you're gay, and we want you in this house because you're gay. [Charlie's Dorm – Jen and Charlie are in bed together.] Jen: So...what's your favorite color? Charlie: I don't know. The color of your eyes. Jen: (covering Charlie's eyes) And that would be? Charlie: This is ridiculous. You think I've been sleeping with you for a week and I don't know what color your eyes are? Jen: Humor me. Charlie: Brown. Jen: With subtle flecks of green. Charlie: Look, it's not entirely my fault that we just happen to have a completely normal, healthy, active s*x life. Jen: What are you saying? That it's my fault? Charlie: No. I'm just saying that neither one of us has very much in the way of self-control. Jen: Huh! You don't think that we could go a day without having s*x of any kind? Charlie: A day? Are you insane, woman? We'd be lucky to make it 12 hours. Jen: What's the matter? Afraid you couldn't hold out? Charlie: Now, you see... I know I can hold out. I'm just not sure you can. Jen: Well, all right, then. Bring it on. 12 hours, starting right now, no s*x. (Charlie moves to kiss her. Jen sounds unresisting.) No. No. What--oh! Huh. Charlie: Maybe we should get out of bed. Jen: Good idea. [Restaurant – Pacey is still working on potatoes the next day. Karen walks in.] Pacey: So is it me? Did I forget to replace the paper towels in the employee washroom? (she ignores him) You know, Brecher told me that the waitresses were moody, but you, Madame, are off the charts, and that guy is a total, complete, and utter wackjob, because he caught me touching one of the pans today, and the guy almost snapped. "Put down the ironclad and step away from the stove." Karen: Allclad. Pacey: Huh? Karen: Why would he let you mess with something you don't even know the name of? Pacey: Oh, come on. Just hate him with me for a second, would you? You know, nothing'll bond two colleagues quicker than bitching about the boss. Karen: We're not colleagues. This isn't a law firm. I wait for people. You cook for them. Pacey: Uh, no. I don't actually cook for them. I just get to cut their potatoes into paper-thin slices for reasons that are, quite frankly, beyond me. Karen: The whole job is beyond you. Pacey: Ok. What's the problem? Karen: He's got you doing classic culinary prep work. You have to wear the hat so that some nice young woman who's here on her first date doesn't puke in the ladies' room when she finds a strand of your greasy hair in her pumpkin puree, and the only problem I have is that I'm working with someone whose sole qualification for this job is his gender. Pacey: Well, you see, this is good. We're making progress now because you just exploded on me. I just have no idea why. [Capeside – Dawson's Room. Dawson sits on the floor next to his bed when Mitch walks in.] Mitch: When I was your age, I used to spend hours and hours just sitting around thinking about my life. Dawson: Why'd you stop? Mitch: Well, I guess I got too busy living it to sit around reflecting on it. Dawson: I hope I never get to that place. Mitch: Dawson... I am sleeping in the room with a baby monitor. I'm tired, so don't B.S. me. You and I both know what this is about. This is about a girl. Dawson: You say that like it's a bad thing. Mitch: You've been making movies ever since you were a little boy. I first heard about USC when you were 10, and for the last 4 years, it's been the frigging mantra of the leery household. So what do you do? You work your tail off. You overcome hell and high water and the kind of adversity that would send ordinary kids running for cover, and you actually do the impossible, and you get yourself in. You did it, Dawson. You...did it. Now here you are... your whole life ahead of you, and you're thinking about chucking it all away? What are you-- you crazy? Dawson: Maybe a little. Mitch: You want to talk about standing at a crossroads, fine, but for God's sake, choose your own path. Dawson: Dad, that's what I'm trying to do. Mitch: No, you're not. You're following Joey down hers. I know how much she means to you, but do you really think it's wise to make major life decisions based on someone else? Remember, this isn't high school anymore. The stakes are high. Your decisions have real consequences. Dawson: God, come on. Dad, honestly, do you think I don't know that? You think I don't know that this is the most important decision of my life? Mitch: Then make the right one. Dawson: Dad, it's not that simple. Mitch: It really is. Dawson... I have lived twice as long as you, and I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my experiences. Dawson: Dad, I can't live the life that you want me to have. I can't live the life that you choose for me, all right? I have to have my own. Mitch: Your own? Dawson: Yes. Mitch: Fine. Here's the opportunity to have the life you've wanted ever since you were a little boy. (hands him an airline ticket) I booked you on the 3:30 tomorrow. Seize this opportunity, Dawson. Seize it. It'll be gone in a moment... and that's life. [SCENE_BREAK] [Leery Residence – Dawson sits on a blanket outside with Lilly. Gale and Mitch sit in the distance watching them.] Gale: I've got a little confession to make. It's completely and utterly selfish, but I totally want him to drop out of USC and come back and be close to us. Mitch: When I saw him out there standing in the yard, my heart pretty much leapt out of my chest, and I thought, "God, I miss this kid." I miss having him around and seeing him across the table at dinner. I miss hearing what he thinks about whatever movie he's just seen. Do you know how much I love my life? I have this amazing family. I mean, I know everybody says that, but, trust me, I've been around the block long enough to know that what we have here is so incredibly rare. But you see... it's the only thing I've ever really been good at. Gale: Oh, honey. Mitch: No, no, no. I'm a family man. I can say with relative certainty that I will never write a poem... (Gale laughs) Or paint a painting or make a movie that will change the world. Just wasn't in the cards for me, and that's ok because maybe, just maybe... our son will do that. (Gale kisses him) What was that for? Gale: What can I say? I love my boys. [Charlie's Dorm – Jen and Charlie are trying to not have s*x.] Jen: (looking through a newspaper) This is working. This is totally working. Two people, two cups of coffee, just doing what people do who don't have s*x. Charlie: Going to a movie? Jen: Mm-hmm. Um, check this out. Fellini retrospective-- la strada, la dolce vita... Charlie: Uh, no, I can't do it. No subtitles. Jen: No subtitles? Charlie: No. I can't stand them. You know, if I want to read, I'll pick up a book. Jen: What happened to "I'll see anything"? Charlie: Well, anything without subtitles. Jen: Not even action movies? No John Woo, Jackie Chan, Crouching Tiger? Charlie: Is this some kind of problem for you? Jen: No. No. No. No. I mean... it's not like a difference of opinion on subtitles spells doom for a relationship, right? I mean, so what really? So what that I have an overwhelming physical attraction to somebody who categorically rejects the very best that world cinema has to offer just because he's a little too lazy to read the words on the screen. Charlie: Now, see? You're mad. No, no. This is good. This is good. This is what I was talking about-- us getting to know each other naturally. You learn a little something about me, I learn a little something about you, right? And before you know it, these 12 hours are up, and we can have s*x again. [Grams' House – Jack is talking with Grams.] Jack: I got a bid to join Sigma. Grams: That's wonderful. Jack: Tobey doesn't think so. He called me "the gay uncle Tom." He's convinced that they only want me to fill some kind of quota, which isn't entirely untrue. Grams: How do you feel when you're over there? Jack: Well, see, that's the weird thing. I mean, for the first time in my life, I feel like I've finally found a place where I'm comfortable, you know? I fit in with these guys. Grams: What's weird about that? Jack: I'd be the only gay guy in the house. Grams: Oh. Well, it sounds to me like... its more of an issue with you than it is with them. Jack: You're right. You're right, but that's strange because it's typically not how I am. Grams: But it is typically how Tobey is. If these fellows know you 1/10 as well as I know you, I am quite certain they want you for much more than filling a quota. [Capeside – Gale and Dawson sit on a picnic table.] Gale: Did Joey ask you to stay in Boston? Dawson: No. Gale: Are you two Dawson: Together? No. It makes no logical sense. I know. The past few years of my life, I haven't done anything without a clear-cut objective. I've always been asking myself, "What's my goal? What am I trying to accomplish?" And my whole life, everybody's always been telling me to follow my heart. The irony is, now that I've finally figured out what that means, everybody's telling me I'm crazy if I do it. Gale: No, honey. I'm not saying not to follow your heart, but... people change, Dawson. It's a fact. You, all of your friends, you're all gonna change. So if you are absolutely sure that you want to be with Joey, just make sure that you are not going to prevent either one of you from growing. And, sweetheart, I am not dismissing this beautiful idea of soul mates, but the reality of eternal coupling... well, quite frankly, it boils down to one thing... faith. So ask yourself this question-- is Joey the kind of person that you are willing to take a very big leap of faith for? [Dorm – Charlie and Jen are comparing themselves to each other while they play Gin.] Charlie: Coke. Jen: Pepsi. Exile in guyville. Charlie: Exile on Main Street. Jen: Favorite president? Charlie: I don't know. Lincoln? Hmm. I am from Illinois. Jen: Favorite Charlie's Angel? Charlie: Cameron Diaz. Now can we just get back to playing Gin? Jen: No. Not until we find something that we have in common. Charlie: Look. We already have something in common--sex. Jen: Well, you've got to find something else. You can't base a relationship purely on s*x. Charlie: Now, you see, I beg to differ. s*x is a pretty big thing to have in common. I mean, what exactly are we trying to prove here? What possible reason could there be for two intelligent, responsible people who just happen to have an overwhelming physical attraction for each other to deny that attraction? (he moves to Jen) Jen: Oh, why are you leaving your side of the room? Charlie: Because. (he climbs in bed with her) Jen: Are you kidding? Charlie: No. Are you? Jen: (they start to kiss) No. Ok. Ok, but this does not mean that we're gonna give up on finding something that we have in common. Charlie: Agreed. Jen: Because, I mean, at some point, this relationship has to move out of the room. Charlie: Agreed. Jen: I'm sure that this is just a stage, and as long as both people are intelligent and responsible, there's no reason why we can't have—(Charlie looks upset) what? Charlie: No condoms. We used the last one last night. Jen: You're kidding me. Well, go find one. Charlie: What? Jen: Go borrow one. Go get one. Charlie: Why borrow when we can steal? Come on. Let's go. Come on. (he grabs her hand and pulls her off the bed) Jen: What-- where-- where are we going? Charlie: Look. We're taking this relationship out of the bedroom, all right? [Boston Docks – Joey walks down the docks looking for Pacey's boat. She finally spots him and walks up slowly.] Joey: (looking up at the sky) You can't see them very well, can you, at night in the city? Pacey: (surprised, he turns around to look at her. He smiles a little and looks up at the sky.) What, the stars? Um... no, you can't see them very well, (looking at Joey) but what the hell? I've seen them all before, right? Joey: (finally looking at him and smiling) Me, too. (he motions for her to come aboard and helps her up) Pacey: So I'm guessing that this means that Lindley sold me out, huh? Joey: Ah, go easy on her. I saw you at the restaurant. Pacey: Ah, yeah. My new stomping grounds. Joey: Well, after that, she did unravel like a cheap suit. Pacey: Which would explain why she hasn't been around to see me lately. Joey: No, that would be because she met a guy. Pacey: Really? That's good for her. Joey: Yeah. So I guess, um, she's told you about these Sunday dinners we've been having. Pacey: Uh, yeah. I seem to remember something to that effect. Joey: Well, it's-- it's nice. I mean, we try to get together every week because it's easy to get lost in the big city. Pacey: Well, of course it is. You don't have enough stars to guide you. Joey: You should try to come some time. Pacey: I'll try and do that. Joey: Because, Pace, I would-- I would hate that... you not coming had anything to do with me. Pacey: With you? Joey: Or this thing we shared called the romance. You know, I did really badly, and there was bitterness and tears and... recrimination. Pacey: Yeah. I think I remember that. We dated once, right? Joey: Yeah, we did, didn't we? (she moves to the wheel and he helps her over) But, you know, I've practically forgotten now that I've slept with half the football team. Pacey: Really? Just half? I think that shows incredible restraint on your part. Joey: Well, I had to leave half for my roommate. Pacey: Oh, roommate. Oh, lord. I feel sorry for this person. 24 hours a day, confined in a small space with you-- it's not healthy. (they both take a seat) Joey: I don't snore. Pacey: I beg to differ. Joey: So, Pace, um... the other day, I had to read this article for biology, and it said that contrary to all previous thinking on the subject, human beings may actually be able to regrow brain cells. Pacey: So I guess that means the whole "this is your brain on drugs" thing is moot. Joey: I wouldn't go toking up just yet... but I think what it means is that at some point in the not-so-distant future, it may actually be possible to forget all the bad stuff and only remember the good. Pacey: I don't know. If you ask me, I think that's already possible. So tell me some more about this new roommate of yours. Joey: You really want to know? Pacey: Well, of course I want to know. Joey: No. I want to know about your job and this boat. This is one mother of a boat, Pace. Pacey: Yeah, I know. I mean, it's not technically mine, but it's good for right now. And the job is a job, but this summer... [Leery Residence – Dawson finishes packing up his bag and goes downstairs. Gale has Lily with her.] Gale: (to Lily) Ok, sweetheart. Come on. Oh, yes. (to Dawson) Oh, honey, did you remember your sweaters? Dawson: Yes, mom. I remembered everything you packed for me. Gale: Ok. Um, look. (Handing him a ziplock bag of cookies) I made these for you for your trip. Please promise me that you'll eat more. Dawson: I promise. Gale: (kissing him) I love you. Dawson: I love you, too. Good-bye, Lily. Good-bye. Ok, sweetie. Be good. Try not to spit up on mom too much, ok? (Lily grabs his bag of cookies) Those are my cookies. They're mine. Gale: (to Lily) Ohh, he'll come back. (Mitch walks in) Dawson: (handing him the airline ticket) Hope you can get a refund on that. Dad, I know you think I'm making a mistake, but if I am, it's a mistake I have to make for myself, all right? And I know when you think about this, you're gonna realize I'm only trying to be the kind of person you taught me to be. Mitch: I think you are making a mistake, Dawson, a huge mistake, and I am disappointed in you. But never, ever for a single second forget that I love you... and I will always be here for you. (Mitch walks out) Dawson: Mom? Gale: He'll be fine. Call him. Dawson: I will. (he goes out to his cab and gets in. Mitch watches as it pulls away.) [Boston Bay Health Center – Jen and Charlie are climbing through a window.] Jen: So... breaking and entering a typical second date for you? Charlie: We're not breaking and entering. Hey, the window was open, right? Jen: Isn't that just a little bit convenient? Charlie: No, because there's nothing in here worth stealing... except... a Boston Bay tradition. Jen: What, breaking into this health center and stealing condoms is a Boston Bay tradition? Charlie: (there's a huge glass container filled with condoms on the counter, with a sign over it) It's not stealing. They're free. See? Read the sign. "Gift to the class of 1990. Here's hoping you get laid." Jen: Is that what you think that that sign says? Charlie: Well, something like that. I'm paraphrasing. Look. I haven't actually been here in a while. So if we could just get what we came for— Jen: You can't read the sign, can you? Charlie: Oh, come on. Who could read that from here? That's like china from here. Jen: (reading the sign) "Gift to the class of 1990, in anticipation of a world without aids." Charlie: I was close. Jen: You are totally nearsighted, aren't you? Charlie: I'm not nearsighted. I just-- I just can't read really teeny things far away. Jen: Like--I don't know-- um, subtitles? Charlie: Yes. Subtitles, all right? I hate subtitles because I can't read them without my glasses. You satisfied? Jen: Yes. Actually, I think that this little field trip was a good idea because now I finally know something about you. Charlie: What, that I'm nearsighted? Trust me. They make me look like a total dork. Jen: You are a total dork, a vain dork. Come here and kiss me. (they sink to the floor. Charlie snakes his hand into the glass and grabs a condom.) [Frat House – Jack is speaking with Blossom and the other “brothers”.] Jack: I don't want to be wanted just to-- to fill some kind of quota. Blossom: Well, you know the reason we first came after you, Jack, but the truth is, man, we really like you. Don't be thrown by this quota thing. Yeah, you're filling one. I'm filling one. He's filling one. Everybody in this room has qualities and experiences that are unique. That's why Sigmas kick butt. Jack: Yeah, but you want a gay guy in the house— Blossom: Yes, we do, but you're the one we want. Jack: All right, but do you understand the reality of what you're gonna get here? I mean, my boyfriend, Tobey, when he comes to visit, I mean, he's gonna be eating here and partying here, too, and if I live in the house, you know, he's gonna be sleeping here and showering here. Blossom: Jack... Tobey is welcome. Even if you don't live at the house, if he needs a place to crash, this is his home, too. That's what it means to be a brother. Jack: Cool. Blossom: So what do you say, Jack? Jack: I say sign me up! Blossom: Welcome to the house, brother. Jack: Thanks, man. Brother: All right! Yeah! (they all cheer and life Jack up on their shoulders.) [Restaurant – Brecher walks into the kitchen and up to Pacey.] Pacey: Hey. I'm done. 42 pounds of peeled and sliced potatoes. Now, may I please cook them? Brecher: Quiet. Pacey: Ok. Brecher: (examining the sliced potatoes) Well, now. Looks like you started getting the hang of it toward the end here. There's hope for you. Pacey: Ah, thanks. (Brecher takes the huge bowl of potatoes and dumps the entire thing in the trash.) What are you do-- that was hours of work, man! Brecher: I don't serve potato chips in my restaurant. Pacey: Really? So then why did you waste my time and your money having me do that? Brecher: Training. Pacey: Ah. Ok. (Brecher grabs Pacey's hand with the knife in it and grabs him forcefully over to a cutting board.) Brecher: (handing him a potato like object – a truffle) Here, wack job. Slice. Pacey: What is that? Brecher: Forget about what it is. Slice it, just like the potato. (Pacey professionally slices it thin) That's not bad. You're learning. Pacey: Now would you mind telling me what this is all about? Brecher: Behold the white truffle-- so fresh that you can actually see the little hoof marks from the pig that dug it out of the I-talian soil. These babies go for $1,200 a pound. Pacey: What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Brecher: Now, if I let some headstrong kid get anywhere near them without proper training, I really would be a “wack job”. Taste. (he pulls a slice of truffle out of a pot and gives it to Pacey) Pacey: (eating) Ok. I get it. Brecher: Karen has more discipline and motivation than a slack-ass like you will ever have, but this isn't kick boxing, and that's why I wouldn't give her your job. Pacey: (laughing) She wanted my job. Brecher: Yeah. You're not gonna pick this up through sheer will. Cooking is a craft which can't be taught. However, it can be learned. Pacey: What does that mean? Brecher: Clean up your station. You're cooking the truffle ravioli tomorrow. [Worthington – Joey enters her dorm building and checks her mail. As she moves to the steps, she sees Dawson sitting there.] Dawson: How was your weekend? Joey: Strange and unusual. How about yours? Dawson: Strange and unpleasant. Joey: You ok? Dawson: Not really. I alienated my parents, and now I find myself adrift in a sea of uncertainty. But, hey, what else is new, right? Joey: Can I do something to help? Dawson: Yeah. You can tell me that I, without a doubt, made the right decision and that this decision will have nothing but positive repercussions for the rest of my life. Joey: Dawson, I can't do that. Dawson: Damn. Joey: But I can tell you this. There is no right or wrong, just consequences of your actions. Dawson: What the hell does that mean? Joey: Well, I'm not sure exactly. My sociology professor said that last week, and I thought it sounded pretty profound at the time. Dawson: Great. I should just get on a plane right now. Joey: We can't. We tried that already. We can't seem to get you on that plane. You're like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. How about a cup of coffee? Dawson: Sure. It's about time I got acquainted with this city of yours. Joey: So how was Capeside? Dawson: Same old same old. They're tearing down the new rialto, building, like, a new 16-theater multiplex or something. Joey: I guess it just goes to show you. Dawson: What? Joey: You can never go home again. [Capeside – The Mitch Mobile. Mitch is driving at night, back from the grocery store. He is singing “Drift Away” and eating an ice cream cone. Suddenly his top scoop falls off. He tries to reach it, but can't. He lowers his body to reach it and when he sits up, lights from an oncoming car brighten his face. A horn blares and it blacks out. End credits.]

Joey is shocked to discover that Pacey has been living in Boston for more than three weeks and has made no attempt to contact her. Dawson heads home to Capeside, having made the decision to drop out of university and move to Boston to be with Joey and all his friends. While Gail is understanding, Mitch is not. Dawson and his father have a heated argument which Dawson refuses to concede. Dawson leaves the family home, still sure that he will not be returning to USC. Later, Mitch leaves for the local shop, but tragedy strikes during the journey.

fd_The_Walking_Dead_01x03

fd_The_Walking_Dead_01x03_0

Roof Thunder is rumbling. Merle is on the roof hallucinating. Merle: That's right. You heard me, bitch. You got a problem? Bring it on if you're man enough, Or take it up the chain if you're a pussy. You heard me, you pussy-ass noncom bitch. You ain't deaf. Take it up the damn chain of command or you can kiss my lily-white ass. That's right. That's what I said. You heard me. And then this idiot, he takes a swing, You know, and well... He laughs hysterically. Merle: Oh, you should've seen the look on his face when I punched out his front teeth. Yeah, five of 'em. Pow! Pow! Just like that. Huh. Oh my god. 16 months in the stockade... Oh, that's what them teeth cost me. That was... That was hard time, but by god, it was worth every minute of it Just to see that prick spit his teeth out on the ground. Yes sir, worth every minute. Merle continues to try and pull himself off of the pipe, but he is unable to get loose. Merle: Oh no. No no! No no! No no! God! God! No no! God! Jesus! No no, merciful Christ! No no. No no. God, help me! God! God! Jesus, please! Jesus, please. Help me! Come on now! Merle sees Walkers trying to get through the door. They are unable to break it because of the chain that T-Dog put on it. Merle: Help me. No no. Oh, no no. Oh my god. Shh shh shh shh shh. Merle starts crying. Merle: No, Jesus. Jesus. No no no no no no. Please. I didn't behave, I know. I know I'm being punished. I know. I... Oh, I deserve it. I deserve it. I've been bad. Help me now. Show me the way. Go on, tell me what to do. Tell me. Tell me. God! Merle rolls under the pipe and uses his belt to try. He gets the saw that is lying close to him. Merle: That's okay. Never you mind, silly Christ boy. I ain't begged you before. I ain't gonna start begging now. I ain't gonna beg you now! Don't you worry about me! Begging you ever! I'll never beg you! I ain't gonna beg you! I never begged you before. Oh sh1t. No! He continues to try and get the saw while the Walkers try to break through the door. OPENING CREDITS Truck Morales: Best not to dwell on it. Merle got left behind. Nobody's gonna be sad he didn't come back... Except maybe Daryl. Rick: Daryl? Morales: His brother. Behind them, the group hears Glenn in his car. Glenn: Whoo-hoo! Glenn speeds past them and continues to holler about how much fun he's having. Morales: At least somebody's having a good day. Camp Jim hangs some cans around the perimeter so they can hear Walkers. Girl: Give it back. Boy: Stop it. Girl: No! Boy: I found it. Girl: No! Boy: Give it. Woman: Mijo, leave your sister alone. Boy: Why? Woman: Come on. Lori is giving Carl a haircut. Lori: Baby, the more you fidget, the longer it takes. So don't, okay? Carl: I'm trying. Lori: Well, try harder. Shane: If you think this is bad, wait till you start shaving. That stings. That day comes, you'll be wishing for one of your mama's haircuts. Carl: I'll believe that when I see it. Shane chuckles. Shane: I'll tell you what... you just get through this with some manly dignity and tomorrow I'll teach you something special. I will teach you to catch frogs. Carl: I've caught a frog before. Shane: I said frogs... plural. And it is an art, my friend. It is not to be taken lightly. There are ways and means. Few people know about it. I'm willing to share my secrets. Carl looks at Lori unsure of what to say. Lori: Oh, I'm a girl. You talk to him. Shane: it's a one-time offer, bud... not to be repeated. Carl: Why do we need frogs, plural? Shane: You ever eat frog legs? Carl: Eww! Shane: No, yum! Lori: No, he's right. Eww. Shane: When you get down to that last can of beans, you're gonna be loving those frog legs, lady. I can see it now... "Shane, do you think I could have a second helping, please? Please? Just one?" Lori: yeah, I doubt that. Shane chuckles. Shane: Don't listen to her, man. You and me, we'll be heroes. We'll feed these folks cajun-style Kermit legs. Lori: I would rather eat miss piggy. Yes, that came out wrong. Shane laughs. Shane: Heroes, son, spoken of in song and legend. You and me, Shane and Carl. Carl and Shane laugh. The conversation is interrupted with the beeping of Glenn's car alarm. Man: Hey, Dale, can you see what that is? Shane: Talk to me, Dale! Dale: I can't tell yet. Amy: Is it them? Are they back? Dale: I'll be damned. Amy: What is it? Dale: A stolen car is my guess. Glenn pulls in and says hello. Dale: Holy crap. Turn that damn thing off! Glenn: I don't know how! Shane: Pop the hood, please. Pop the damn hood, please. Amy: My sister Andrea... Shane: Pop the damn hood! Glenn: What? Okay okay. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah! Amy: Is she okay? Is she all right? He pops the hood so Shane can disconnect the battery to turn the alarm off. Glenn: She's okay! She's okay! Amy: Is she coming back? Glenn: Yes! Amy: Why isn't she with you? Where is she? She's okay? Glenn: Yes! Yeah, fine. Everybody is. Well, Merle not so much. Shane: Are you crazy, driving this wailing b*st*rd up here? Are you trying to draw every Walker for miles? Dale: I think we're okay. Shane: You call being stupid okay? Dale: Well, the alarm was echoing all over these hills. Hard to pinpoint the source. I'm not arguing. I'm just saying. It wouldn't hurt youto think things through a little more carefully next time, would it? Glenn: Sorry. Got a cool car. The group sees the truck arrive. Truck Morales: Come meet everybody. Survival Camp Andrea gets out of the truck. Andrea: Amy. Amy: Andrea! Andrea runs up to Amy and the two sisters hug. Andrea: Oh! Amy: Oh my god! You scared the sh1t out of me. Morales gets out of the truck and his wife and children runs up to him. Boy: Papi! Daddy! Morales: Hey. Come here, sweetie. Hey. I told you I'd be back, didn't I? Carl is still sad and we can see that he wishes that Rick would come back when the groups return. Shane looks at them. Dale: You are a welcome sight. Dale and Morales hug. Both laugh. Dale: I thought we had lost you folks for sure. Shane: How'd y'all get out of there anyway? Glenn: New guy... he got us out. Shane: New guy? Morales: Yeah, crazy Vato just got into town. Hey, helicopter boy! Come say hello. Rick gets out of the truck. Morales: The guy's a cop like you. Rick walks up and Shane is the first to see him. Carl and Lori then turn over and he sees Rick. Rick also sees Carl and Lori. Rick: oh my god. Carl and Lori run up to Rick. Carl: Dad! Dad! Rick takes Carl in his arms, crying. Rick: Carl. Oh! He kisses Carl on the cheek and approaches Lori. He hugs them both. Shane is surprised to see Rick, but isn't as happy as he should be. He feigns a smile as Lori looks at him. Rick smiles at him and Shane smiles back. Survival Camp Later that night, Rick is sitting down with the group around a fire camp. Rick: Disoriented. I guess that comes closest. Disoriented. Fear, confusion... all those things but... Disoriented comes closest. Dale: Words can be meager things. Sometimes they fall short. Rick: I felt like I'd been ripped out of my life and put somewhere else. For a while I thought I was trapped in some coma dream, something I might not wake up from ever. Carl: Mom said you died. Rick: She had every reason to believe that. Don't you ever doubt it. Lori: When things started to get really bad, they told me at the hospital that they were gonna medevac you and the other patients to Atlanta, and it never happened. Rick: Well, I'm not surprised after Atlanta fell. Lori: Yeah. Rick: And from the look of that hospital, it got overrun. Shane: Yeah, looks don't deceive. I barely got them out, you know? Rick: I can't tell you how grateful I am to you, Shane. I can't begin to express it. Dale: There go those words falling short again. Paltry things. Nearby, Ed puts another log on his fire. Shane: Hey, Ed, you want to rethink that log? Ed: It's cold, man. Shane: The cold don't change the rules, does it? Keep our fires low, just embers so we can't be seen from a distance, right? Ed: I said it's cold. You should mind your own business for once. Shane gets up and walks over to Ed's fire. Shane: Hey, Ed... Are you sure you want to have this conversation, man? Ed: Go on. Pull the damn thing out. Go on! Carol, his wife, pulls the log out of the fire. Their daughter, Sophia, watches as Carol pulls the log out. Shane: Christ. Shane stomps the flames out. Shane: Hey, Carol, Sophia, how are y'all this evening? Carol: Fine. We're just fine. Shane: Okay. Carol: I'm sorry about the fire. Shane: No no no. No apology needed. Y'all have a good night, okay? Carol: Thank you. Shane: I appreciate the cooperation. Shane rejoins the other group. Dale: Have you given any thought to Daryl Dixon? He won't be happy to hear his brother was left behind. T-Dog: I'll tell him. I dropped the key. It's on me. Rick: I cuffed him. That makes it mine. Glenn: Guys, it's not a competition. I don't mean to bring race into this, but it might sound better coming from a white guy. T-Dog: I did what I did. Hell if I'm gonna hide from him. Amy: We could lie. Andrea: Or tell the truth. Merle was out of control. Something had to be done or he'd have gotten us killed. Your husband did what was necessary. And if Merle got left behind, it is nobody's fault but Merle's. Dale: And that's what we tell Daryl? I don't see a rational discussion to be had from that, do you? Word to the wise... We're gonna have our hands full when he gets back from his hunt. T-Dog: I was scared and I ran. I'm not ashamed of it. Andrea: We were all scared. We all ran. What's your point? T-Dog: I stopped long enough to chain that door. Staircase is narrow. Maybe half a dozen geeks can squeeze against it at any one time. It's not enough to break through that... Not that chain, not that padlock. My point... Dixon's alive and he's still up there, handcuffed on that roof. That's on us. Tent Rick: I found you, didn't I? Carl: I love you, dad. Rick: I love you, Carl. Rick kisses Carl goodnight and then joins Lori on the other side of the tent. Rick kneels down and passionately kisses Lori. Rick then lies next to Lori. Rick: I found you both. Lori: Yeah. Rick: I knew I would. Lori: You're getting cocky now, a little bit. Rick: No. No, I knew. Walking into our home, finding an empty house, both of you gone. Lori: I'm so sorry. Rick: I knew you were alive. Lori: How? Rick: The photos were gone, all our family albums. Lori chuckles and grabs one of them. Rick: I told you so. Lori: Now you're getting cocky, huh? A lot. They look at some photos from Carl's last birthday. Rick hands her the photo from his squad car. Rick: It belongs in here. Lori: Baby, I really thought I would never see you again. I'm so sorry... For everything. I feel like... When you were in the hospital, I just... I wanted to take it all back... The anger and the bad times. But the mistakes... Rick kisses her. Rick: Maybe we got a second chance. Not many people get that. Rick and Lori continue to kiss. Rick notices his wedding ring on Lori's necklace Rick: I wondered where that went. Lori: Do you want it back? Rick: Of course. Lori takes it off and puts it back on Rick's ring finger. Rick and Lori start to get passionate and Lori turns out the lantern. Rick looks over at Carl sleeping. Lori: He won't wake up. The two proceed to make love. Outside Up on the RV, Shane is sitting alone and watches the Grimes' tent. He puts his hat on and seems very upset. Thunder is still rumbling. Tent The next morning, Rick wakes up and sees that Lori and Carl are not in the tent. Outside He walks out and sees that everything is fine. Rick: Morning. Man: Morning. Rick: Hey. Woman: Hi. Carol: Morning. Rick: Morning. Carol: They're still a little damp. The sun'll have 'em dry in no time. Rick: You washed my clothes? Carol: Well, best we could. Scrubbing on a washboard ain't half as good as my old maytag back home. Rick: That's very kind. Thank you. Rick approaches Glenn who is visibly upset that Dale has torn apart some of the spare parts on the car that he brought in. Glenn: Look at 'em. Vultures. Yeah, go on, strip it clean. Dale: Generators need every drop of fuel they can get. Got no power without it. Sorry, Glenn. Glenn: Thought I'd get to drive it at least a few more days. Rick: Maybe we'll get to steal another one someday. Rick finally finds Lori. Lori: Morning, officer. Rick: Hey. Lori: You sleep okay? Rick: Better than in a long time. Lori: Well, I didn't want to wake you. I figured you could use it. God. What? Rick: I've been thinking about the man we left behind. Lori: You're not serious. Shane drives back to the camp with water. Shane: Water's here, y'all. Just a reminder to boil before use. Lori: Are you asking me or telling me? Rick: Asking. Lori: Well, I think it's crazy. I think it is just the stupidest way to break your son... Suddenly, the group hears screaming. Carl: Mom! Lori: Carl? Everyone starts to race down to the screaming. Man: It's over there! Carl: Dad! Lori: Baby! Girl: Mama! Mommy! Glenn: Rick! Lori: Carl! Rick grabs a pole and runs down to the site. Man: Over here, boy! Come on, come on! Lori: Carl! Baby! Carl: Mom! Rick: You're okay? Lori: I've got him. I've got him. Lori: Nothing bit you? Nothing scratched you? Carl: No, I'm okay. The group comes upon a Walker that is busy eating the carcass of a deer. Andrea and Amy come up and notice how disgusting it is. When the Walker sees them, it starts to turn on them. Rick, Shane, Glenn, Jim, and Morales start to beat on it with their objects. Dale finishes it off by chopping its head off with an axe. Dale is shocked. Dale: It's the first one we've had up here. They never come this far up the mountain. Jim: Well, they're running out of food in the city, that's what. They hear branch snapping and footsteps. Daryl Dixon comes out of the forest and seems very upset that the Walker. Dale: Oh, Jesus. Daryl: Son of a bitch. That's my deer! Look at it. All gnawed on by this... filthy, disease-bearing, motherless poxy b*st*rd! He kicks the carcass of the Walker Dale: Calm down, son. That's not helping. Daryl: What do you know about it, old man? Why don't you take that stupid hat and go back to "on golden pond"? I've been tracking this deer for miles. Gonna drag it back to camp, cook us up some venison. What do you think? Do you think we can cut around this chewed up part right here? Shane: I would not risk that. Daryl sighs. Daryl: That's a damn shame. I got some squirrel... about a dozen or so. That'll have to do. Suddenly, the head of the Walker starts to move its teeth. Amy: Oh god. Daryl: Come on, people. What the hell? Daryl shoots it with one of his arrows. Daryl: It's gotta be the brain. Don't y'all know nothing? [SCENE_BREAK] Survival Camp The group comes back at camp. Daryl: Merle! Merle! Get your ugly ass out here! I got us some squirrel! Let's stew 'em up. Shane: Daryl, just slow up a bit. I need to talk to you. Daryl: About what? Shane: About Merle. There was a... There was a problem in Atlanta. Daryl: He dead? Shane: We're not sure. Daryl: He either is or he ain't! Rick: No easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. Daryl: Who are you? Rick: Rick grimes. Daryl: Rick grimes, you got something you want to tell me? Rick: Your brother was a danger to us all, so I handcuffed him on a roof, hooked him to a piece of metal. He's still there. Daryl: Hold on. Let me process this. You're saying you handcuffed my brother to a roof and you left him there?! Rick: Yeah. Daryl goes to attack him, but Rick shoves him off. T-Dog: Hey! Watch the knife! Daryl pulls his knife out, but Shane is able to come up behind him and put him in a chokehold. Shane: Okay. Okay. Daryl: You'd best let me go! Shane: Nah, I think it's better if I don't. Daryl: Choke hold's illegal. Shane: You can file a complaint. Come on, man. We'll keep this up all day. Rick: I'd like to have a calm discussion on this topic. Do you think we can manage that? Do you think we can manage that? Shane: Hmm? Daryl: Mmm. Yeah. Shane lets him go. Rick: What I did was not on a whim. Your brother does not work and play well with others. T-Dog: It's not Rick's fault. I had the key. I dropped it. Daryl: You couldn't pick it up? T-Dog: Well, I dropped it in a drain. Daryl: If it's supposed to make me feel better, it don't. T-Dog: Well, maybe this will. Look, I chained the door to the roof... So the geeks couldn't get at him... With a padlock. It's gotta count for something. Daryl: Hell with all y'all! Just tell me where he is so that I can go get him. Lori: He'll show you. Isn't that right? Rick: I'm going back. Lori walks into the RV. Survival Camp Later, Rick gets his police uniform on. He walks past Shane. Shane: So that's it, huh? You're just gonna walk off? Just to hell with everybody else? Rick: I'm not saying to hell with anybody... Not yo Shane... Shane: Lori least of all. Tell her that. Rick: She knows. Shane: Well, look, I... I don't, okay, Rick? So could you just... Could you throw me a bone here, man? Could you just tell me why? Why would you risk your life for a douche bag like Merle Dixon? Daryl: Hey, choose your words more carefully. Shane: No, I did. Douche bag's what I meant. Merle Dixon...The guy wouldn't give you a glass of water if you were dying of thirst. Rick: What he would or wouldn't do doesn't interest me. I can't let a man die of thirst... me. Thirst and exposure. We left him like an animal caught in a trap. That's no way for anything to die, let alone a human being. Lori: So you and Daryl, that's your big plan? Glenn: Oh, come on. Rick turns to Glenn and Glenn is upset. Rick: You know the way. You've been there before... In and out, no problem. You said so yourself. It's not fair of me to ask... I know that, but I'd feel a lot better with you along. I know she would too. Shane: That's just great. Now you're gonna risk three men, huh? T-Dog: Four. Daryl huffs. Daryl: My day just gets better and better, don't it? T-Dog: You see anybody else here stepping up to save your brother's cracker ass? Daryl: Why you? T-Dog: You wouldn't even begin to understand. You don't speak my language. Dale: That's four. Shane: It's not just four. You're putting every single one of us at risk. Just know that, Rick. Come on, you saw that Walker. It was here. It was in camp. They're moving out of the cities. They come back, we need every able body we've got. We need 'em here. We need 'em to protect camp. Rick: It seems to me what you really need most here are more guns. Glenn: Right, the guns. Shane: Wait. What guns? Rick: Six shotguns, two high-powered rifles, over a dozen handguns. I cleaned out the cage back at the station before I left. I dropped the bag in Atlanta when I got swarmed. It's just sitting there on the street, waiting to be picked up. Shane: Ammo? Rick: 700 rounds, assorted. Lori: You went through hell to find us. You just got here and you're gonna turn around and leave? Carl: Dad, I don't want you to go. Lori: To hell with the guns. Shane is right. Merle Dixon? He's not worth one of your lives, even with guns thrown in. Tell me. Make me understand. Rick: I owe a debt to a man I met and his little boy. Lori, if they hadn't taken me in, I'd have died. It's because of them that I made it back to you at all. They said they'd follow me to Atlanta. They'll walk into the same trap I did if I don't warn him. Lori: What's stopping you? Rick: The walkie-talkie, the one in the bag I dropped. He's got the other one. Our plan was to connect when they got closer. Shane: These are our walkies? Rick: Yeah. Andrea: So use the CB. What's wrong with that? Shane: The CB's fine. It's the walkies that suck to crap... Date back to the '70s, don't match any other bandwidth... Not even the scanners in our cars. Rick: I need that bag. Okay? Lori: All right. Rick approaches Carl. Rick: Okay? Carl nods yes. Survival Camp Later, Rick and T-Dog approach Dale and Jim. Rick: Rumor is you have bolt cutters. Dale: Maybe. T-Dog: Yeah, we get to that roof, though, we'll need to cut that chain and the handcuffs. Dale: I never like lending tools. The last time I did... And yes, I am talking about you... Let's just say your bag of guns wasn't the only bag that was dropped. My tools got left behind with Merle. Rick: We'll bring your tools back too. Think of the bolt cutters as an investment. Dale: Sounds like more of a gamble. Dale gives it to him. Dale: What do I get in return? Rick: What do you want? Dale: How about one of those guns you bring back? My pick. Rick: Done. Jim: Dale, let's... Sweeten the deal a bit. Now that cube van of yours... Rick: What about it? Jim: The RV's radiator hose is shot. That's a problem if we need to get somewhere and wanna get very far. And the hose on that van is just about a perfect match... Well, enough that I can make it fit. Rick: I'll tell you what... we get back, you can strip that van down to the bare metal. Daryl beeps on the horn. Daryl: Come on, let's go! Rick: Thank you. Shane stops Rick. Shane: Hey, Rick, got any rounds in the python? Rick: No. Shane: Last time we were on the gun range, I'm sure I wound up with a few loose rounds of yours. Rick: You and that bag... like the bottom of an old lady's purse. Shane: I hate that you're doing this, man. I think that it's foolish and reckless. But if you're gonna go, you're taking bullets. Rick: I'm not sure I'd want to fire a shot in the city, not after what happened last time. Shane: That's up to you. Well... Four men, four rounds. What are the odds, huh? Well, let's just hope that... Let's just hope four is your lucky number, okay? Rick: Thank you. Shane: All right. Rick gets in the truck and they take off. Tent Carl is lying down in the tent after Rick leaves. Lori comes to see him Lori: Hey. You know, I bet they'll be just fine. Carl: I'm not worried. Are you? Lori: Yeah, a little. Carl: Don't be. Lori: Why? Carl: Think about it, mom. Everything that's happened to him so far... Nothing's killed him yet. Lori chuckles and notes that Carl is right. Atlanta The truck arrives outside the city limits. Daryl: He'd better be okay. T-Dog: It's my only word on the matter. I told you the geeks can't get at him. The only thing that's gonna get through that door is us. Glenn stops the truck. Glenn: We walk from here. They get out and start walking along the railroad tracks. Survival Camp Lori: Dale. Have you seen Carl? Dale: Shane took him down to the quarry. There was some mighty bold talk about catching frogs. Quarry Carl: I'm not getting anything. Shane: Yeah. Being all wily, staying submerged. Little suckers, they know something's up. That's what's going on. Just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. All right, little man, look. You are the... you are the key in all this, okay? All I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go after one of them, all right, scare the rest of them off. They're all gonna scatter. I'm gonna drive 'em your way, okay? Carl: All right. Shane: What you need to do is you need to round up every bad boy you see, all right? Are you with me? Carl: Yeah. Yeah. Shane: Hells yeah. Give me your mean face. Yes sir. Are you ready? Carl: Yeah! Shane: Are you ready? Here we go, boy. Here we go. Carl laughs as Shane splashes around in the water. Shane: All right, they're coming your way. They're coming your way. Go on, get 'em, get 'em. They're coming your way, come on. Catch them frogs. Catch them frogs. They're coming, little man! Get 'em! Get that net in there and get 'em! Nearby, Carol, Jacqui, Andrea, and Amy are doing the laundry. Jacqui: I'm beginning to question the division of labor here. Andrea agrees. Shane: They're coming, little man! Get 'em! Get that net in there and get 'em! What have you got, bad boy? What do you got? What do you got? Carl: Dirt. Shane: Oh boy. All right, we've got to start over. Come on, let's find this bucket. Jacqui: Can someone explain to me how the women wound up doing all the Hattie McDaniel work? Amy: The world ended. Didn't you get the memo? Ed watches the women washing the laundry from his vehicle. Carol: It's just the way it is. Atlanta The men cut through a fence. Rick: Merle first or guns? Daryl: Merle! We ain't even having this conversation. Rick: We are. You know the geography. It's your call. Glenn: Merle's closest. The guns would mean doubling back. Merle first. Quarry Carol: I do miss my Maytag. Andrea: I miss my Benz, my sat nav. Jacqui: I miss my coffeemaker with that dual-drip filter and built-in grinder, honey. Amy: My computer... And texting. Andrea: I miss my vibrator. The women start to laugh. Jacqui: Oh! Amy: Oh my God! Carol: Me too. The girls continue to laugh. Ed notices them. Ed: What's so funny? Andrea: Just swapping war stories, Ed. Amy: Yeah. Ed comes up to them. Andrea: Problem, Ed? Ed: Nothin' that concerns you. And you ought to focus on your work. This ain't no comedy club. Quarry Lori comes down to the quarry. Lori: Hey, Carl, what did I tell you about not leaving Dale's sight? Carl: But Shane said we could catch frogs, remember? Lori: It doesn't matter what Shane says. It matters what I say. Go on back to camp. I'll be right behind you. Carl heads back up to the RV. Shane: I've got to tell you, I do not think you should be taking this out on him. Lori: You don't tell me what to do. You lost that privilege. Shane: Lori, could you just wait up a sec? I think we should talk. We haven't had a chance... Lori: No. No no. That's over too. You can tell that to the frogs. Shane: Damn it, Lori. Look, I don't know how it appears to you or what you think... Lori: How it appears to me? I'm sorry. Is there a gray area here? Let me dispel it. You stay away from me. You stay away from my son. You don't look at him. You don't talk to him. From now on, my family is off-limits to you. Shane: Lori, I don't think that's fair. Lori: Shane, shut up. Don't! Shane: I don't think that... Lori: My husband is back. He is alive. Shane: He's my best friend. Do you think I'm not happy about that? Lori: How dare you? Why would you be? You are the one that told me that he died. You son of a bitch. She storms away in anger. Shane is very upset. Atlanta In the building, the group finds a Walker in the department store. Daryl: Damn. You are one ugly skank. Daryl takes his crossbow and shoots it through the head. He pulls the arrow out. Quarry Shane watches as Lori and Carl leave. The woman are still doing the laundry as Ed watches them. Andrea: Ed, tell you what... you don't like how your laundry is done, you are welcome to pitch in and do it yourself. Here. She tosses a shirt at him and Ed throws it right back. Andrea: Oh! Ed: Ain't my job, missy. Carol: Andrea, don't. Andrea: What is your job, Ed? Sitting on your ass smoking cigarettes? Ed: Well, it sure as hell ain't listening to some uppity smart-mouthed bitch. Tell you what... come on. Let's go. Andrea: I don't think she needs to go anywhere with you, Ed. Ed: And I say it's none of your business. Come on now. You heard me. Andrea: Carol. Carol: Andrea, please. It doesn't matter. Ed: Hey, don't think I won't knock you on your ass just 'cause you're some college-educated cooze, All right? Now you come on now or you gonna regret it later. Jacqui: So she can show up with fresh bruises later, Ed? Yeah, we've seen them. Ed laughs and Shane notices all of this. Ed: Stay out of this. Now come on! You know what? This ain't none of y'all's business. You don't want to keep prodding the bull here, okay? Now I am done talking. Come on. Andrea: No no. Amy: Carol, you don't... Andrea: Carol, you don't have... Ed: You don't tell me what! I tell you what! Ed slaps Carol. Ed: You think you can... The girls start to protect Carol and they grab onto Ed. Ed is too big and none of them can prevent Ed from continuing to grab at Carol. Women: Get off her! Ed: Come here! Come here! Women: Get off her! Get off her! Get off her! Shane walks in and grabs Ed. Ed: Get off me! Ed demands that Shane get off of him. Carol: Ed? Shane throws Ed to the ground Amy: It's okay. It's okay. Ed: No! Andrea: It's okay. Ed: No! Shane pummels his face multiple times. Ed's face gets bloody as Shane continues to punch him. The girls watch in horror as Shane mutilates Ed's face. Andrea: Shane, stop! Just stop! Women: Stop it! Stop! Shane grabs Ed. Shane: You put your hands on your wife, your little girl or anybody else in this camp one more time, I will not stop next time. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! Ed: Yes. Shane: I'll beat you to death, Ed. Carol: Ed! Shane: I'll beat you to death. Shane hits him one more time and then kicks him in the stomach. Carol: Oh God! No. God! Carol bursts out in tears and kneels over him. Carol: Ed, I'm sorry. Oh my God. Ed, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ed. Ed, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ed. The other girls don't know how to react as Shane makes his way back to camp. Atlanta The boys reach the roof. They cut through the padlock and enter the roof. Daryl: Merle! Merle! Daryl sees something and starts to sob. Daryl: No! No! They stay there silent watching a saw on the ground. Daryl: No! The handcuff is empty and there's Merle's hand lying on the ground. Daryl: No! No!

Glenn takes Rick to the survivors' camp, where he finds Lori, Carl, and Shane. Rick leads a group, including Glenn, T-Dog , and Merle's younger brother, Daryl back to Atlanta to recover his weapons, finding that Merle managed to free himself by sawing off his hand.

fd_Angel_03x14

fd_Angel_03x14_0

Angel: "Previously on Angel" Wesley: "Angel's son is part of the prophecy. Everyone and everything will be coming for him." Fred is holding Connor. Wes: "Adorable." Gunn: "So sweet." Wes: "I meant the baby." Gunn: "I meant the hot mama." Wesley: "She is a rather extraordinary young woman." Gunn and Fred kiss. Wes' face reflected in the polished metal as he sees them. Lorne: "We got a little term back in Pylea - kyrumption..." Angel: "I know it." Pylean Priest: "Everyone is very anxious for her majesty to com-shuck with the Groosalug." Gunn: "Sounds dirty if you ask me." Cordy runs across the dungeon to hug Groo. Cordy: "That's not terrible, that's wonderful!" Groo: "Your visions shall pass to me." Cordy: "I can't give up my visions!" Cordy lounges in Angel's doorway, dressed up for the ballet. Lorne: "Cordelia?" Angel: "What about her?" Lorne: "You got to let her know what's brewing inside, because you don't wanna miss that shot!" Possessed by the mystical energy in the ballerina's dressing room, Angel and Cordy go at it. Angel: "You've become a truly extraordinary woman. I think that we..." Cordy: "Groo?" Angel: "Yes! We grew - closer together and I think..." Cordy runs past him. Cordy: "Groo!" Groo: "Princess!" They hug. Cordy: "Oh god, I can't believe it!" Lorne to Angel: "He just showed up" Fred (voice-over as Angel goes to check on Connor): "I thought for sure she was meant to be with Angel. I guess you never can predict those things." Angel is leaning on Connor's crib, looking down at his son. Lorne comes up beside him. Angel: "It's strange." Lorne: "Hmm." Angel: "I remember him being taller." Lorne: "A trick of the light. They don't actually get smaller until they're very, very old." Angel: "I didn't mean the baby." Lorne: "I know you didn't." Angel: "I meant the Groosalug." Lorne: "I know you did." Angel: "Did he seem, ah, - I don't know - short?" Lorne: "Oh, absolutely. Clearly the guy shrank - all over, probably. (Lorne helps Angel out of his tux jacket) Why, he's nothing but a muscley midget. I'm sure once Cordelia gets him home, she'll just pop him into a smallish drawer, and that will be that." Angel, adjusting his cuffs: "She took him home. Well - well, that's good. At least we won't have to put him up here. The place was starting to turn into a hotel." Lorne: "So - so you don't have a problem with that then?" Angel: "Of course not. Why would I?" Lorne sniffs Angel's tux jacket. Lorne: "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I don't remember you wearing this perfume when you left this evening?" Angel takes the jacket from him. Angel: "Okay. There may have been some magic." Lorne: "There. You see?" Angel: "Actual *magic,* Lorne. Whatever happened, it was a spell. It's worn off now. There's nothing between Cordelia and me." Lorne: "Sure there is. And it got arms like steel cables and a deeply ironic sense of timing." Angel goes to hang his jacket into a closet. Angel: "You know, it's good that the Groosalug showed up when he did. You were right. Cordelia deserves a champion, and now she's got one." Lorne: "Well, what about you?" Angel: "I'm fine. I've been a solo-act most of my two hundred fourty plus years. And when I wasn't? Never turned out well. I like being alone." The camera frames Angel and Lorne from inside the closet as Angel hangs up the jacket. Lorne: "Fine, Ms. Garbo. Have it your way. Be alone." The closet door closes, and the screen goes dark - only to show us Angel again as he opens the door again a moment later. Angel reaches in, takes out the jacket on its hanger and sniffs at it for just a moment before hanging it back up and closing the door as he turns away. The camera looks out of another closet, this time at Cordy changing out of her evening dress. Cordy: "So, ahem, you got deposed, huh?" Groo, pacing in her living room: "Yes." Cordy: "Huh. That sucks." Groo: "The people turned against me." Cordy: "Yeah, well, they'll do that." Groo: "Endless committees were formed. Committees splintered into factions, the factions into coalitions, the coalitions turned into subcommittees, until finally the more radical element, spurred by a charismatic leader, did the dance of revolution." Cordy comes out of her bedroom, wearing a red sweater and jeans. Cordy: "And here you are." Groo: "Yes." Cordy: "So - you don't miss it? You know, the power, castle, concubines, and the royal chippies." Groo: "There was never anyone else." Cordy: "Oh." Groo: "I welcomed the overthrow. The tedium of government was too much to bear after a life on the battlefield." Cordy, running a finger down the side of Groo's face: "Your heart wasn't really in it." Groo: "No. That left when you did." Groo slowly leans forward and they kiss. The camera circles around them and as we come back to see the Groosalug's face he has suddenly turned into an ugly, spiny, black monster. Cordy pulls back, staring at him. Groo's voice coming from the monster: "Princess?" Cordy takes a step back. Groo, looking like himself again: "Is something wrong?" Intro Angel comes down the stairs into the lobby, carrying Connor. Wesley is moving about behind the reception counter. Angel: "Hey." Wes: "Morning." Angel: "You, ah, you're the only one here?" Wes: "So far. - How's young Connor today?" Angel: "He's good. Cordelia, she's - usually in by now, isn't she?" Wes: "It's early. I imagine she and Groosalug where up late. They have a lot of catching up to do." Angel: "Right. Ah. 'They.'" Angel goes to put Connor down in a bassinet in Wes' office. Wes follows him. Wes: "Actually, I was hoping you and I could talk before the others got here." Angel: "Sure. What is it?" Wes: "Well - it's the fact of him. I know his sudden arrival was something we all needed a moment to digest. - Still, there are questions." Angel: "You're suspicious." Wes: "'Cautious' might be a better word." Angel: "You think he's evil." Wes: "Evil?" Angel: "Okay, maybe not evil, but - he's definitely hiding something. Does he seem shorter to you?" Wes glances down into the bassinet. Wes: "We are both talking about Connor, aren't we?" Angel: "What about Connor." Wes: "He shouldn't exist." Angel: "His birth was foretold. How many people can say that?" Wes: "He has a role to play, that's true, but we still don't know what that role is. - Angel, we can't be afraid to ask the questions, because your enemies, *his* enemies, certainly won't be." Angel: "You're right. We should be prepared." Wes: "I'm glad you agree. However, with the loss of the Nyazian Prophecies, we'll probably have to look elsewhere for our answers." Angel: "Well, we both know where those prophecies went. Maybe it's time to make another assault on Wolfram and Hart." Wes: "That might not be necessary. Not yet, anyway. There should be other sources. Ancient works accumulate scholarship, commentary over the years." Angel: "Huh. You think somebody else has already done the work for us." Wes: "That's my hope. I've been looking into it. I just... I felt you should know." Angel: "I wanna be involved, completely." Cordy: "Involved with who?" Angel spins around to see Cordy put some stuff down on the reception counter, and walks out of Wes' office. Angel: "You're here. And...(Sees Groo standing in front of the weapons cabinet, trying out one of the swords) ... so is he." Groo: "Angel. Your weapons are most impressive." Angel: "Thanks. Thank you. (Grabs a hold of Cordy's arm, never taking his eyes off Groo) Can you, uh, ask him not to handle my weapons?" Cordy: "Oh, relax. If there's one thing Groo knows, it's how to handle a weapon. - Poor guy. Looks like that's about all he's gonna be handling." Angel: "You mean, ah, you two didn't..." Cordy: "I got him home last night and we started... you know. - But then - I couldn't go through with it." Angel: "You couldn't?" Cordy: "No. Not after seeing that disgusting, spiny thing!" Angel throws a look at Groo before following Cordy into Wes' office. Angel: "Spiny?" Cordy: "Right up in my face! That's what the visions are like now. No pain, less artsy, sometimes floaty, though not lately, and very often stinky." Wes: "You had a vision?" Cordy: "Yeah. Big as life (Shows them a sketch she drew of the monster) last night, while Groo and I were getting reacquainted. Kind of a mood killer, I got to say." Wes: "You should have called one of us." Cordy: "Oh, please! Like I'm gonna bother you guys in the middle of the night because I want s*x and can't have it." Wes: "Actually, I meant the vision." Cordy: "Oh. That. Well, it's not rising up until sometime later today." Wes: "Oh. Why can't you have s*x?" Cordy: "I could lose my 'visionity.'" Wes: "If you wanna play it that way." Cordy: "*Vision*-ity! The visions. When that one hit my last night, it hit me. In Pylea the visions were supposed to pass to Groo if we ever did the royal com-shuck. How do I know that won't happen here?" Angel: "Good point. You really don't." Wes: "But your recent transformation could have changed all that. It might be possible to..." Angel kicks the side of Wes' desk as he moves his foot. Angel: "Still, you know, better safe than sorry. (To Cordy) You're doing the right thing." Cordy: "I know. I know. I can't risk it. It's just - I'm so... (Looks out of the office to where Groo is still swinging that sword) And he's such a... Rrrr.. (Turns to smile at Wes and Angel) Don't you think?" Angel and Wes both look down. Angel: "Yeah, sure." Wes: "Certainly." Cordy: "I mean, there's gotta be other things we can do to relieve the tension!" Angel: "Jogging could be the thing." Wes: "Perhaps some form of paranormal prophylactic..." Angel: "Because, you know, jogging..." Cordy, still watching Groo: "I guess we could probably 'com' without actually 'shucking.'" Angel: "Well, I don't know. That could be a slippery slope that once you're on, that you could - slide." Cordy: "At least I won't be upsetting the average around here. Nobody in *this* office is ever gonna get any." Gunn is sitting across from Fred in a diner, watching her eat. Gunn: "It's funny." Fred: "The way I chew?" Gunn: "No. Until that kiss last night, I would have thought you and Wesley had a thing for each other." Fred: "Wesley?" Gunn: "Yeah." Fred: "No, we're just good friends." Gunn: "You want another order of those?" Fred: "Yes, please." Fred puts a hand on Gunn's wrist as he looks around for a waitress. Fred: "Oh. No. No, I'm not hungry." Gunn: "You sure? I love watching you eat." Fred: "Wow. (They both look down, fidgeting and smiling) - We should probably go. People might start to talk." Gunn laughs: "Why would they?" Fred: "Well, you know, us." Gunn: "'Us' has been doing breakfast for weeks now. Everyone knows that." Fred: "I know, but now that we've kissed, things are different. - I mean, they are, right?" Gunn, smiling at her: "Oh yeah." Fred: "So - so you don't think they can tell?" Gunn looks around: "From here?" Fred laughs: "I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous, I know. It's just - I don't have a lot of experience in this area. I spent the last five years in a cave." Gunn: "Yeah, I know what that's like." Fred: "How could you?" Gunn: "Because now everything's so bright my eyes hurt." As they get lost in each other's eyes, the waitress drops the tab on the table. Waitress: "Here you go." Fred: "Thank you." Gunn: "Thanks." They both reach for it without losing eye contact, and their hands touch. Fred looks down: "How are we gonna work this?" Gunn: "Like we always do. We split it." Fred: "But you hardly ordered anything. I'd be getting so much more value." Gunn, smiling: "I think I'm making out okay." They lean across the table to kiss when their beepers go off. They both fumble for them and look at the number. Both: "Wesley." Wes: "We've identified the demon from Cordelia's vision as a Senih'd. (Hands Gunn an open book) We believe it will rise in the mid-city area sometime before nightfall." Gunn looks at the illustration, then hands the book over to Fred, sitting beside him. Wes notices their smiles as their hands linger during the hand-off. Wes: "The Senih'd manifests in its physical form for one purpose only - to feed." Fred hands the book to Cordy. Cordy: "Seen it." Cordy passes the book to Groo, standing beside her. Wes: "Immediately upon rising it will go to ground to search for a victim. We've got to make sure it doesn't find one." Angel comes to look at the book as Groo is holding it. He glances at Groo. Lifts up on his toes for a moment, then drops back down. Wes: "Angel will take the sewer tunnels. The rest of us will go by car to Sorensen Park. We'll enter the underground from the water treatment plant there, double back. Hopefully by the time we meet up again..." Groo: "I know this creature. It resembles the Bleaucha, which nest in the scum pits of Ur. I've slain many." Wes: "Really?" Groo: "Tracking it will be simple. Killing it, more difficult." Angel: "Well, yeah." Wes: "Alright then. Groo, you go with Angel. Lets move out." Everyone starts to leave as Angel stares at Wes, turns to look after Groo, then turns back to Wesley. Angel: "I don't think that's such a good idea, me and him. You know, I'm more of a loner. Plus, he's so - bulky. He could really slow me down!" Wes: "He's an experienced warrior. He should be a great asset." Angel looks over to where the others arm up in front of the weapons cabinet. Sees Cordy hand Groo a sword. Cordy: "Here's a nice one." Angel: "That's my favorite broadsword!" Wes: "You'll be fine, Angel." Wes pats Angel on the shoulder and walks past him. Cordy to Groo: "Are you sure you're gonna be warm enough? The sewers are pretty damp." Groo: "I shall be fine." Cordy: "Okay. (Hands Angel a weapon without taking her eyes of Groo) Here." Angel turns the ax in his hand, looking at the small head on it. Looks at Cordy, only to see her kiss Groo's cheek. Angel, turning away: "Lets go." Angel and Groo walk off together. Groo: "I shall present this beast's head to my princess as a token." Angel: "Right. 'cause she'll love that." Angel and Groo are walking along some dark sewer tunnels. Angel: "You sense anything?" Groo: "A deep sadness." Angel stops and turns to look back at Groo. Groo: "My princess. She is unhappy. I fear I am the cause." Angel: "No. No, she's not unhappy you're here, Groo. She's - thrilled." They walk on. Groo: "Then what keeps her from me? There is a distance - as if her heart is not free." Angel: "I-I think, that maybe she's afraid to get too close. - She's, ah, scared if she does, she'll, ah, lose something." Groo: "But I would give myself to her." We hear a low growling sound. Angel holds up a hand to stop Groo, then takes a couple steps forward and crouches down. Angel touches some liquid spots on the ground, then rubs his fingers together, looking at them. Groo: "It is wounded. It bleeds." Angel: "It's better than bread crumbs. Lets go." Angel and Groo enter what looks like the water treatment plant Wes was talking about. The Senih'd drops off of some pipes behind them. Angel and Groo turn and attack the demon together. The Senih'd manages to disarm both of them fairly early into the fight, but neither Angel nor Groo let that slow them down. Angel is taking a bit more of a beating than Groo, but other than that they're doing about the same against the monster. Until it lets out a scream and breaks through the wall to escape into the sunny park outside. Angel scrambles back out of the sunlight streaming in through the opening. Groo picks up his dropped sword, then holds out a hand to help Angel up. Groo: "Come." Angel just looks at Groo, not moving. Screams sound from outside, and Groo turns to run after the Senih'd. Angel slowly gets up and watches as Groo goes to rescue the young woman the Senih'd has grabbed. The demon tries to use the woman as a shield against Groo's sword, but Groo manages to knock them apart. Cordy, Wes, Gunn, and Fred come running over a rise in the park, just in time to see Groo catch the woman in one arm, while knocking the Senih'd down and stabbing it deep into the back of its neck. The demon dissolves into an oily black puddle that seeps away into the ground. Angel watches the rescued woman cling to Groo. Wes: "Well, done." Angel watches as Cordy throws her arms around Groo, a big smile on her face. Wes: "I must say, excellent work." The people in the park gather around them, applauding. Wes reaches out to pat Groo on the shoulder. Wes: "Well done." Wes turns and looks towards the hole in the side of the building. He sees Angel standing in the shadows of it, watching them. Break Ms. Frakes voice over: "You think you know someone. You think your place is secure and that there's a future there." Angel is sitting across from Ms Frakes behind Wes' desk, watching Groo as he reenacts his fight with the demon for Cordy, Gunn and Fred. Ms. Frakes: "And then something happens. No, strike that. Some *one* happens! (Angel watches Groo drop down beside Cordy, catching her in a hug) They insinuate themselves, pushing you out, taking your place." Angel turns his attention back to Ms Frakes. Angel: "And what makes you think this other woman is a witch, Ms - Frakes?" Ms. Frakes: "Why else would Jerry cheat on me? We've been engaged for eight years! She had to have put some kind of a spell on him." Wes is talking on the phone, while also watching the group out in the lobby. Wes: "I'm looking for the original Greek if it's at all possible." Watching as Fred is laughing at Groo's antics, Wes slowly moves backward until the wall beside him hides Gunn, sitting beside Fred, from his view - leaving only Fred and Cordy in his sights. Wes: "You do? Excellent. Ah, can I get a quote on that?" Angel leans back in his chair. Angel: "Well, if you give me the woman's name I'll have someone check her out. See if we can find out if she's a - witch." Ms Frakes: "HotBlonde37159 (She hands Angel some papers) I got these off the e-mails that I took from Jerry's computer." Angel: "It's, ah, gonna... (glances us as Wes walks into the office) uh, it's gonna be pretty difficult to find her based solely on this." Ms Frakes: "Well, just follow Jerry! I'm sure he'll lead you right to her." Angel looks up at Wes: "Ms Frakes here wants us to stake out her fiancé. I was trying to explain to her that..." Wes: "I think we can spare someone to keep an eye on Ms Frakes' fiancé. Gunn! (Gunn gets up from the settee) If witchcraft is involved we should probably look into it." Gunn: "What's up?" Wes: "Ah, Gunn, Ms Frakes here needs some surveillance work. I thought, if you were free..." Gunn: "Yeah, not a problem." Wes: "Good. (Takes the papers from Angel and hands them to Gunn) She'll give you the details. I'll leave it in your hands." Wes takes the printed up e-mails form Angel and hands them to Gunn. Gunn: "Sure thing." Fred smiles at Wes as she comes into the office. Fred: "We won't let you down." Angel and Wes are entering the rare books shop. Angel: "I don't know. Maybe they should just do it, you know? Get it over with." Wes: "I'm sorry?" Angel: "Cordy and Groo. She's being all noble for the good of the team. She should just make it with the com-shuck. That's what she wants." Wes: "Oh." Proprietor: "May I help you?" Wes: "Yes. I phoned earlier about Grammaticus Third Century Greek Commentaries." Proprietor: "Of course. The G.T.C.G.C. I'll be just one moment." Wes: "Thank you." Angel: "I mean, why not? You know, life is short. Okay, not mine, but, you know, most people's. And if Groo does it for her, she should go for it. (Walks over to a shelf to flip through some books) Make him happy. Make her happy. (Almost inaudible) Make everybody happy." Wes: "But still - office romance - complicates things. What if they should have a row, or break up?" Angel: "All of us fight with each other at some point. It's not like anybody else is having a romance. I don't see it changing things much." Wes: "Well - (leans closer to Angel and drops his voice after a glance around) she said it herself. It could risk the visions." Angel: "Okay. So the visions pass to Groo. He gets them instead of her. So what?" Wes: "Are you suggesting Groosalug could replace Cordelia?" Angel, still browsing the books: "Maybe not Cordelia." Wes: "I see. - You think he could replace you." Angel slowly puts the book he's holding back on the shelf and turns to face Wes. Angel: "I don't know. Seems to me, here is a guy who can do everything I can - and a few things I can't." Wes: "That's not true." Angel: "You saw what happened this afternoon. If Groo hadn't been there..." Wes: "Then the rest of us would have. - Angel, - you're the reason we've all come together. It's your mission which animates us. We each contribute, it's true, but you - you're unique. (Indicates the shelves) You're like one of these rare volumes. One of a kind." Angel smiles ever so slightly. The proprietor walks through in between them, carrying three old books. Proprietor: "I've got three of them." Angel blinks, smile gone as his brows draw down for a moment. Groo is sitting in a chair in Wes' office with Cordy leaning down for a kiss. Cordy, pulling back a little: "Are you sure?" Groo: "I'm sure." Cordy: "Good. Don't worry. I practiced plenty on Cousin Timmy when we were kids." They smile at each other. Cordy takes a step over towards the desk, then turns back. Cordy: "Oh, wait. It's not like your strength is in your hair, or anything like that, right?" Groo: "No. I - believe it is in my muscles." Cordy laughs: "Okay. So, we lose the "Battlefield Earth" hair, and get you out of these animal skins, and it'll be a whole new you!" Groo: "And will this 'new me' be one that you can allow yourself to love?" Cordy: "What?" Groo: "Will the 'new me' please you in ways that the 'old me' could not?" Cordy: "Groo, it's a haircut. It's not gonna make me like you any better." Groo: "Oh. - I understand." After a beat Cordy puts the scissors down, takes a deep breath and crouches down in front of Groo. Cordy: "You didn't give up your throne and come all this way for a make-over, did you? You came for something I can't give you - me. - It's not that I don't want to. I do. I've never met anyone like you, Groo. You're so open, and sweet, and there is a definite thing here. It's just..." Groo puts a hand on hers: "You are afraid that with me, you will be less than what you were." The camera shows a tree with a lot of roots visible around the bottom of the trunk. A car pulls up at the curb across the street from it. A man gets out and walks over to stand beneath the tree. Gunn's truck pulls up. Gunn: "Looks like this is it. Better get the camera." Fred, setting up the video camera: "Do you really think he's possessed or under some kind of spell?" Gunn: "Well, it's hard to say. There's all different kinds of magic. You've got demony love spells, mojo s*x chants, voodoo bootie rituals..." Fred: "Voodoo bootie rituals?" Gunn gives her serious nod, then they both start laughing. Fred, leaning towards him: "You made that up." Gunn: "Then there is the all-powerful, big, brown, soulful eyes kind of magic." Fred smiles: "Kind of familiar with that one myself." They start to kiss, but Fred pulls away. Fred: "Hmm. We should..." Gunn: "Right. Because we're all about the work." Fred turns to watch Jerry, standing under the tree, holding a single red rose, waiting. Fred: "Maybe it's not so much magical but chemical when two people are attracted. Maybe it's like the DNA knows what it needs and when it finds it, nothing can get in its way. It just takes it." Gunn: "It does?" Fred nods at him with a smile. Gunn leans forward and they kiss. Fred after a moment: "Charles..." Gunn: "Yeah?" Fred: "We're not supposed to be the ones having the rendezvous." Gunn: "We're not?" Fred: "No. He is." Gunn: "But he's cheating on someone. You and me, we got a right." Gunn pulls her close, but Fred, while smiling doesn't give in. Fred: "I know. But we're supposed to be working." Gunn lets out a sigh, and sits back. Gunn: "You're right." He looks towards the tree - no Jerry in sight. Gunn: "Damn!" Wes: "I'll get started translating this material right away." Angel: "Well, ah, Wesley - thanks - for what you said before. You put things into perspective for me." Wes: "Glad I could. While I do believe having another warrior for good may be an asset in the coming days, Truth is, you and the Groosalug are two totally different - people..." Wes trails off as they enter the lobby and see Groo, his hair cut short, dressed in a set of Angel's clothes. Groo: "Ah, hello." Wes: "...who look exactly alike." Angel under his breath: "He's wearing my clothes." Wes: "Good fit." Groo smiles up at them. Angel returns the smile. Angel: "Where's Cordelia?" Cordy gets up from Wes' chair as Angel walks into the office, a set smile on his face. Cordy: "Oh, good. You're back." Angel: "He's wearing my clothes." Cordy: "What? Oh, yeah. I-I didn't think you'd mind. Turns out you guys are about the same size. I think he's a little taller. Looks great though, doesn't he? Angel, I need your help." Angel: "What happened? - You had a vision?" Cordy: "What? Oh, no. No, it's nothing like that. Uhm. This is - personal." Angel: "What is it?" Cordy: "I wouldn't ask, except, ah, there's really no one else I can trust with this. It's something only you can do?" Angel puts his hands on Cordy's arms and leads her over to a chair before sitting down on the edge of the desk in front of her. Angel: "Tell me." Cordy lets out a deep breath: "You've done so much for me already and... Well, this is just one more thing for the list, I guess." Angel: "There is no list. You know that. Just - just tell me what I can do." Cordy: "I need you to help me have s*x - with Groo." Angel slowly turns his head to look out into the lobby where Groo is standing talking to Wesley. Cordy grins at Groo behind Angel's back and waves. Groo waves and smiles back. Angel lifts a hand, wiggles his fingers a little and raises his eyebrows, while trying to smile back. Break [SCENE_BREAK] Cordy: "I realized something today. - It's not the threat of losing the visions that's been keeping me from being close. - It's me. The Visions are just an excuse. I mean - there's always *some* excuse." Angel: "Right." Cordy: "I'm *tired* of being lonely." Angel: "Yeah." Cordy: "So I worked it out." Angel: "You did?" Cordy: "Yes! It was something Wesley said - a paranormal prophylactic. And that got me thinking. I couldn't be the only woman on earth that had some supernatural gift that could be lost through physical intimacy." Angel: "Stands to reason." Cordy: "So I started researching and anyway, I'm right. There is a potion, a protective potion. I take it and bang! I can." Angel: "Hmm. A potion." Cordy: "Yeah. Anyway, this woman's name is Anita, and she's kind of in the business. Makes love potions, elixirs, things like that. She says she's got just the thing at this address." Cordy hands Angel a paper with a scribbled address. Angel: "You want me to - get this for you." Cordy: "I went to my ATM, got cash. (Hands Angel a wad of bills) Nearly cleaned me out, but I think it's worth it." Angel: "So you and Groo can..." Cordy: "...com-shuck like bunnies. You betcha." Angel: "Why don't you just send him?" Cordy: "I *am* sending him. He kind of insists on it, but that's why I need you." Angel: "Huh?" Cordy: "He doesn't know this world. I can't send him into a demon brothel all by himself! I mean, I trust him, but I'm not crazy." Angel takes a step back: "Brothel." Cordy follows him: "*You'd* be safe there. No woman's gonna tempt you, right?" Angel looks down: "R-right." Groo walks into the office. Groo: "Are we ready?" Cordy: "I think so." Groo: "We're most grateful for your help, Angel. (Groo puts an arm around Angel's shoulder and pulls him close) You've been a true friend to us both." Cordy laughs. Angel: "Yeah." Fred and Gunn are walking around tree where they last saw Jerry. Fred: "There is nothing." Gunn: "More like a whole lot of nothing. How are we gonna explain this? 'Sorry, Wes. We lost the dude because we were macking on the job.'" Fred: "We didn't lose him so much as... Okay. We lost him. But his car's still here. So he's got to be close, right?" Gunn bends down and picks up the single red rose Jerry was holding earlier. Fred: "I'm sure there is an explanation." Gunn: "The camera." Fred: "Yeah, the camera. Maybe he saw the camera." Gunn: "No, I mean, whatever happened, we got it on tape." Fred: "Right." Fred looks down at the camera she is carrying. Fred flips the side screen of the camera open and rewinds the tape to where Jerry was still standing under the tree. Fred: "There he is." Gunn: "Push play." On the screen we see some roots come up out of the ground, wrap around Jerry and pull him straight down into the ground. Fred: "Well, that can't be good." Roots shoot up out of the ground, wrap around Gunn and Fred and they vanish into the ground as well. We get an outside shot of a lit mansion. Then see a dorky looking guy walk down a hallway on the arm of a 'lady' with an oversized smile and three boobs. Another lady comes around a corner of the hallway, followed by Angel and Groo. Anita: "Oh, I love your outfits." Angel: "Well, I really wouldn't call them 'outfits.'" Anita: "But you are together." Groo puts a hand on Angel's shoulder: "Yes! Two champions here together." Angel, pushing Groo's hand off: "Not 'together' together. Just 'get the potion' together." Groo: "So I may com-shuck my princess." Angel: "Just to reiterate, (Angel points at himself) *not* (is distracted by the sound of laughter) the princess..." Angel is looking through an open door into a reddish room, watching a couple having a pillow fight. Anita: "The room is enchanted. Everything that happens in there, every touch, every emotion, every desire is extended for maximum pleasure. I can check the schedule if there is someone special you would like to bring." Anita takes a hold of Groo and leads him down the corridor, after a moment Angel turns away from the room to follow. Anita: "Just right in here." Anita leads Groo into a big bedroom. A man wearing dress pants and shirt is manacled to one of the walls. Man: "Oh, hello." Groo: "Fear not, friend. We are here to save you!" Groo rushed over and tries to pry the shackles open. Man: "Hey! Get off!" Angel comes in, takes one look, and hurries over and grabs a hold of Groo's shoulders. Angel: "Groo! Groo, I think he's happy there." Groo: "As a slave?" Man: "Don't judge me." Angel pulls Groo away. Angel: "Come on. (To man) Sorry. (To Anita) If you'll just give us the potion, we'll be..." Anita: "You brought cash?" Angel pulls out the money Cordy gave him and hands it to Anita. Anita takes it then lifts one hand up into the air. We hear a little tinkling sound and her hand is enveloped in a deep blue light. As she brings her hand back down she is holding a small metal bottle. Anita: "Make sure to tell your princess to drink it all at once." Groo takes the bottle and Anita looks at Angel. Anita: "I know why your earnest friend is here, but why are you? What's in it for you?" Angel just stands there looking at Anita, ignoring the ringing of his cell phone. Groo: "Angel, your coat is singing." Angel pulls out the phone and flips it open. Angel: "Hello. - What? Gunn? (He turns away from the others plugging his other ear) I can barely hear you." We see Gunn and Fred wrapped in a net of roots in what looks like a cave. Gunn: "Yeah, reception's not so great, is it?" Angel: "Where are you?" Gunn: "Under Plummer park." Angel: "Under it?" Gunn: "Pretty much. We were tailing that woman's fiancé..." Fred: "Jerry." Gunn: "...and we kind of lost him." Fred: "But then we found him - sort of." Gunn: "Him *and* his date. Some root-crazy, tree-like demony thing." Fred: "With what looks like a DSL connection. (We see some computer screens and keyboards wrapped around by more roots.) We're pretty sure he chats up lonely hearts online, and then sucks them down here for food. Or maybe it gets its power that way." Gunn: "Monster's got a big, old, leathery joint jammed up into guy. I think it's sucking the life out of him." We get a shot of a gnarly face in the main trunk and hear it growl. Angel: "What... have you called Wesley yet?" Gunn: "We were kind of hoping we wouldn't have to." Angel: "I don't understand." Fred: "We just didn't want to bother him with this." Angel: "Bother him?" Gunn: "Look. Nothing against Wes, but I'm not sure he can help us out at the moment. What we really need..." Angel listens to his phone. Angel: "Oh. Ah-huh. (Angel turns and holds the phone out to Groo) Uhm. It's for you." Groo is leading the way through the sewers. Groo: "I am honored they requested the Groosalug to save them." Angel: "I wouldn't say requested, more like included. (Puts a hand on Groo's shoulder to hold him up) Hang on. Here. Here. Did you feel it?" Groo strides forward: "Something Evil." Angel grabs a hold of Groo again: "Whoa, easy. Slow down, Champ! We have to be very careful here." Groo: "You're right. (Groo pulls out the bottle Anita gave him) Will you keep this safe?" Angel looks from Groo to the bottle. After a moment he takes it and puts it in his pocket. Angel: "Fine. But we just got to be, you know, a little bit more..." Groo charges forward with a loud battle cry. Angel: "...patient." Groo slashes away at the roots as he runs into the cave. Fred: "It's Groo!" Gunn: "Over here!" Groo lets out another battle cry. The face in the trunk roars back. A root shoots out and buries itself in the middle of Groo's chest. Groo drops the sword as he is pulled up beside the now released Jerry, who is lying motionless on the ground. Fred: "What are we gonna do now?" Angel makes his way into the cave between some of the hanging roots. Angel: "That's my shirt!" Break Angel: "This thing is not actually made out of wood, is it?" Fred: "No, it's flesh." Angel: "Good. (Picks up the sword Groo dropped) Flesh I can deal with. Flesh I can kill." Fred: "But I don't think hacking it is going to do any good. It doesn't seem to have any vital organs. It uses people as batteries. It draws its power from its victims." Angel looks from the root-demons snarling face to Groo, who is groaning and straining against the root buried in his chest. Gunn: "And it's been getting stronger since it tapped into Groo." Angel: "Really. Stronger. (Groo suppresses another scream) Come on! He can't be that great." Fred: "He is the Groosalug." Gunn throws a look at Fred as he sees Angel drop the sword and walk closer to the root-face. Angel: "What do you think? - Honestly. Does he seem really 'better' than other men?" Demon: "He's magnificent." Angel: "Really? - I'd say more like magnificently stupid. (Gunn and Fred exchange another look) Because him with the beer tap in his chest and me with the, you know, just walking around (Angel walks up to Groo) And I'm really getting tired of the 'Groosa-worship' thing. (Slugs Groo in the face. The root-demon lets out a roar) Nothing personal, champ. Oh! Everyone makes such a big deal about the Groosalug. (Slugs Groo. The root-demon roars.) He's such a champion. (Slug. Roar.) He's so rugged. (Slug. Roar.) He's so emotionally available. (Slug. Roar.) Look at him in the daylight. (Slug. Roar.) But you know what? I'm smarter, and I'm stronger, and I pick out my own clothes!" Angel kicks Groo. The demon roars, withdraws its tap-root from Groo and buries it in Angel's chest instead. Angel drops to his knees, catching himself on his left hand, while his right wraps around the taproot. Angel: "Okay. Oh, jeez. Well, it's okay. You know, no one is using my heart at the moment anyway." Demon: "Kill you." Angel: "Sorry. Already dead." Demon: "Vampire!" Angel: "Yeah. Did I mention that?" Demon moans: "Cold. - Cold." Angel: "Oh, yeah. It's kinda cold in there. But, hey, don't let that stop you." The tree demon moans. The root bindings around Gunn and Fred shrivel and drop away. Gunn jumps up, grabs Groo's dropped sword. Demon: "So cold." Gunn: "So dead!" Gunn buries the sword in the root-demon's face. A yellowish green liquid pours out. Fred goes to check on Groo, while Gunn checks on Angel. Angel: "How is he?" Fred: "Pretty beat up. Still alive - thanks to you." Wes it talking on the phone in his office. Gunn and Fred are sitting in chairs in front of his desk. Wes: "Yes, Ms Frakes. We are, too. - You're welcome. - Good bye. (Hangs up phone) Well, Ms Frakes is very happy. You saved her fiancé's life." Fred: "So he's gonna be okay?" Wes: "Yes." Gunn: "That's good." Wes: "Yes." There is a long pause. Wes: "Well, good work. You should probably get cleaned up, then." Fred getting up: "Yeah. Good idea." Wes: "Ah, Charles, a word?" Gunn and Fred look at each other for a moment. Fred: "Well, good night." Gunn: "Good night. (Smiles as he watches Fred leave) What is it?" Gunn turns back to face Wes. Wes: "When you knew this was more than just a tryst you should have told me." Gunn: "It happened so fast. The thing just grabbed the guy and he was gone." Wes: "That's... - That's not what I meant." Gunn: "Oh. - You mean... (points a thumb back over his shoulder) - Well... - I'm not so sure that's any of your business." Wes: "No. You're probably right. - Still... She could get hurt. - I trust that won't happen?" Gunn: "What are you, her brother?" Wes: "Apparently." Gunn after a beat: "Wesley, I..." Wes: "She chose. - It's just important to me that she's taken care of." Gunn: "She will be." Wes: "Good." Wes picks up his pen and goes back to working on translating the open book in front of him. Gunn watches him for a moment then turns to go. Halfway to the door he turns back and opens his mouth, but closes it again without speaking and leaves. Wes looks up. We hear a ripping sound and see Angel scrunch up his face, then hear buttons rain to the floor. Cordy: "Sorry." Angel, as he watches her dab at Groo's bared chest: "It's, ah - it's okay. It, ah, was already ruined." Cordy: "Well, if it's any consolation, I planned to rip it off him later anyway. (Her head whips around to looks at Angel) You did get the potion, didn't you?" Angel holds up the slightly dented flask. Angel: "Yeah. We - we got it." Cordy goes back to doctoring Groo. Cordy: "Well. This isn't so bad. You heal almost as fast as he does." Groo: "Princess, I - I have a confession to make." Angel: "Groo." Groo looks over at Angel, who silently shakes his head 'no' at him. Cordy pulls his face back around to look at her. Cordy: "A confession? What - what confession? Did something happen at the brothel? (To Angel) You were supposed to look after him!" Angel: "Nothing happened! Except your - boyfriend here was - very brave, and - saved the day." Cordy to Groo: "You did? (Slaps his shoulder) You big hero!" Groo: "No. I was reckless! I put everyone in grave peril. - *Angel* is the true champion. (Looks over at Angel) He saved us all." Cordy, never taking her eyes off Groo: "Did you hear that?" Angel: "Yeah, but..." Cordy: "How many guys would just give away the credit like that? That is just *so* noble. (Holds out her hand) The potion." Angel puts the flask into her outstretched hand. Cordy takes it then grabs Groo by his shirt and pulls him up off the settee. Cordy: "Let's get our of here! See ya!" Cordy hurries Groo towards the exit doors of the Hyperion. Angel: "Cordelia." Cordy stops and looks back at Angel. Cordy: "What?" When Angel only stands there, Cordy holds up a finger to Groo then walks back to Angel. Cordy, quietly: "What is it?" Angel takes one of her hands and puts a roll off dollar bills tied with a string into it. Cordy: "What's this?" Angel: "Just some money I saved up." Cordy: "Why? What for?" Angel: "I did something for you tonight. Now I want you to do something for me. - Don't come in tomorrow. In fact, don't come in for a couple of weeks. Take Groo some place - nice. Somewhere where there is - sun. - He'd like that." Cordy: "Angel..." Angel: "Promise me." Cordy shakes her head a little as she looks down at the money, hitches one shoulder a little. Cordy: "Okay." Cordy turns to leave, then turns back and touches the hole in Angel's T-shirt where the tentacle went into his heart. Cordy: "You sure you don't need some patching up yourself?" Angel looks down at his chest: "No, I - I'm good. Didn't hurt a bit." Cordy looks at him for a moment, then turns and walks out with Groo. As the door closes Wes comes out of his office. Angel looks at him then turns towards the stairs. Lorne is laying Connor down in his crib. Lorne: "Alright now. You get some rest, big boy. Yes. You go to sleep. Get you nice and tucked in... yes." Lorne looks up as Angel walks up to them. Angel: "Thanks for looking after him." Lorne: "Yeah. Sure. (Gives Angel a look) You okay?" Angel looks down at Connor, a slight smile spreading over his face. Angel: "Yeah." Lorne leaves as Angel keeps watching Connor. We see Wesley writing 'the son.' The camera pulls back to show us Wes staring down at his notepad. Angel walks in, carrying Connor. Angel: "Working late?" Wes: "Yes. - You startled me." Angel: "Oh, we didn't mean to." Wes: "I thought I was alone." Angel: "Yeah. (Looks at Connor with a smile) So did I." Wes watches as Angel kisses Connor's cheek and walks back out of the office. Wes lets out a sigh and looks back down at his notepad where we can read 'the father - will kill - the son.'

Wesley is depressed as Fred and Gunn grow closer, and the Groosalugg's arrival irritates Angel. Angel is jealous when Cordelia and the Groosalugg search for a way to be together without endangering her visions. Meanwhile, Wesley focuses on translating a scroll about Connor and he's soon horrified by what it suggests.

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Scene 1: Hall Glee Club - Will and the entire cast Will: 5,6,7,8, not one, we walked around, we change leg leg is changed, not one, you, you, you and bam bam bam! (He claps). A bit of nerves looks like a group of sleepwalkers. Give me energy, it was the communal in two weeks. Mercedes: Sir! the commune is in the pocket. Will: Can be good, but if taking it easy to commune we'll get killed in the regional. We need to give the best of ourselves. Kurt (laughs, looks wickedly M.Schuester): This is a funny video. Falls in weddings. (The bell rings). Scene 2: Staff room lunchtime - Will, Emma and Sue Will (to Emma): This time I think they overestimate, they seem to have lost their flame. Emma: Well I'm sorry, you just ... You have a little mustard on your little Kirk Douglas dimple in the chin. Will: Where? (Trying to lick your chin) Here? Emma: Yes, wait, let me it. Wait! Here! Will: Thank you Emma: Uh ... So when will it all started? Will: Oh, there was one week Flashback: the Glee Club Rehearsal Rachel is in control Rachel: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, No. No. No. No. No. Will (coming from the back of the room): Good news I just saw the distribution of groups for communal and I think it was a good place. There are only two other teams. If they beat you access to regional. (The group is very enthusiastic. Mercedes and Kurt look at a big smile and Puck makes a check to Tina ...) Rachel: And who are the other teams? Will: Drumroll Finn! The Dayton School for the Deaf and an establishment called Jane Addams Academy. Mercedes: Jane Addams? ! This is a rehabilitation center for girls coming out of detention! Tina: C C This is great! Arty: People who disagree sing and criminals who do not care too much it will be piece ofcake! Top there (he holds out his hand towards Britanny who prefers checker Santana) End of flashback and return to the staff room Will: They think it is a foregone conclusion when there are no further effort. I'll have to find a way to motivate them a little. Emma: O, then K um ... Let's see. Oh! an array of stickers, that's how my parents made me do chores when I was a child. Yes! While I was doing a chore and I had a star and then ... Sue: Oh Lord I pray you, pity, stop talking. I try desperately to ignore the silliness of your conversation dripping unbearable but now that I have bile in my mouth I will not hold my tongue any longer. (Takes a listing on the table before her). You know what that is? This is a list of my daughters. I choose someone at random every week and I plug out. Will: Yes it works in the Glee Club in a different way. Sue: Will Really? ! How does it work for you? You must remember one thing, we take care of children here. They need to be terrified. It is like milk without him their bones will not grow properly. If you want results with a kid find the animal competition that is in him and remove him his chains!Very good! Helen (Speaking to Emma) This blouse is insane (and Emma looks sighs) Emma (by digging into his salad) It amazes me that she can teach in this school. Will: You know what? I think she has not entirely wrong. Scene 3: Hall Glee Club Will: The competition! All these people (he hung pictures on the wall) and all these elements have been champions in their field but they have always competed with others to become even better. Kurt: I can not understand how a flash can compete with a wooden pool.(Compared to the pictures off the wall) Will: Remember what I say. You have become too sure of yourself and you were great but the presets you'll have to overcome if you seriously want to achieve the communal. (Finn and locker Quinn looks unkindly) OK, do you separate the boys left, girls on the right. Go you move (the band broke up) Okay. Kurt! (He was heading the group of girls, Will motioned him to go with the boys) I'll explain: two teams, guys against girls. In one week you will have to stack all show me a mash up of your choice. Puck: What is a mash up? Will: A mash up is when you take two songs, you mixes together to make a great explosion of musical expression. Tuesday the boys present, girls the next day. I want you to go out all the stops right? Costumes, choreography and those who will win this competition we will choose the number to communal. Rachel: Wait! Who will be the judge? Your s*x wrong your judgment. Will: Ah! We will have a special guest as a judge! Tina: Who is it? Will: Oh we'll have to give their all to find. Mercedes: We're going to crash to the ground! Rachel: It's clear I'll make a storyboard of the choreography tonight. Will: So? ! I hope you are ready to compete! The girls recovered to block. Arty: Let's give them a slap worthy of God's hand! Will (heading Finn): Hey Finn's it going? You look elsewhere. Finn: Just a little tired. Puck (tapping on the shoulder of Finn): You come buddy? We're late for training. Scene 4: Office of Sue - Sue she wrote her diary Sue (in thought): "Dear Diary I'm still without power today. It started at dawn when I tried to make a smoothie with beef bones and I broke my blender. Then drive to my daughters: a disaster! " Flashback on the training of Cheerios They are pyramid atop Quinn Sue (always in his thoughts): "It could not miss, it was like spot the first crack in the hull of a boat ready to run (it fixes the knee of Quinn who just shake) A tremor, the tremor was cost us the national tournament and the championship if we lose I'll lose my show and not my show I will never buy my hovercraft. " Sue: It's going to Quinn? Quinn: I'm just tired because of the Glee Club. End of flashback and return to the office of Sue Sue: "The Glee Club! Every time I try to destroy the handful of eating larvae arrears they come back even stronger as the wicked sexually ambiguous horror films. Here I am: ready to pass the milestone of 30 years. I have sacrificed everything in my life, all that to me bamboozled by the machinations of a cabal of bisexual teens deformed and imbedded.Did I miss an episode journal? Is it just me? Of course not, it does not come from me. It is the fault of Will Schuester! What is wrong with it, diary? His little arrogant smile and then made his permanent home? You know, newspaper, I noticed something yesterday. Flashback to the conversation of Will and Emma at lunch Sue: Of course, it becomes clear at once, if I can not destroy the club, I'll have to destroy mankind! Scene 5: House Will and Terri-Sue and Terri Sue: Let me be honest. Your husband hides his chipolata in a basket which unfortunately is not yours. Terri: What? With whom? Sue: The guidance counselor. A real bitch and a man-eater. She wears flashy pin like the one with which my Grandma is buried. Some tea! Terri (coming out of his thoughts): Oh, uh ... Sorry. (She gets up to serve as Sue) Sue: It's always the same song: the woman begins to gain weight. Terri: Oh! I'm pregnant! Sue: Oh! This is not an excuse! I always thought that the desire to procreate was an expression of great personal weakness! I've never wanted a child. I have no time and I have no uterus! Terri: Are you're sure? Sue: A woman always knows these things! Let me tell you my way. If it is not yet proven a link, it certainly takes the turn. It takes a machete to get through the thickness of envy that is created around them. Terri: Oh, Lord! What will I do? Sue: I think you should pack up and move! Unless you did not want to leave your husband a midget redhead mentally deranged lemur with beads? Terri: Are you absolutely sure about that? I mean, you have evidence? Sue: Break into the school and just sniff all its s*x pheromones yourself.And then it falls rather well, the school nurse, Ms. Lancaster is in a coma.Oh, she made an incredible roll-ball stage on the stairs yesterday! Flashback to the fall Sue is tripped to the nurse and she falls. Back to Show Terri: But I'm not a nurse, I work at the "Festival of Quilt"! Sue: I am not an American citizen, I was born in the Panama Canal Zone, but I managed to have a passport, I applied twice. That's the advice I give to you: if you do not want to lose your husband, be creative. Scene 6: Office Figgins - Terri and Figgins Figgins: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position.But your experience is limited to folding towels ... Terri: As an assistant to my swim "Duvet Day" in first aid. I've used a defibrillator. Figgins: Ah! Scene 7: Teachers' room-Emma Will and Terri Emma: (to Will): So what did you talk about? Will: Oh! Good news, I found a great way to motivate them. They will fight against each other in a tournament. Emma: Oh! Will: And guess who will be our judge superstar? You! Emma (putting his hand to his heart): Me? Terri arrives with her blouse and nursing remains at the door of the room Terri: Well! This for a surprise! (Heading towards Will) Will: Hey! What are you doing here? Terri: (to Emma): Hello, I do not think we have been presented. I'm Terri Schuester, thewoman (she touches the belly) Will pregnant. Emma (with some surprise): Yes ... Terri: Someone left the lipstick on your mug. (She licks her finger and cleans the edge of the cup) Emma: No! No oh Terri: It's settled. It will serve coffee, Emma Will look with a frightened look Will: Is that all right Terri? You never come see me here! Terri: Oh, I do not come to see you not! You were so stressed about our finances lately that I had to participate by having a second job. I am the new nurse. Will: But ... You're not nursing, you have not been trained to ... Terri (interrupting him): I beg Will, this is a public school here. (She turns to Emma). It's not great news? And that means that now I am all the time around. Scene 8: Changing the football stadium, Ken And the whole football team Ken: Know your paths (at the same time he emphasizes these words on the board). This is the key to winning this game, gentlemen. The forwards you make your path to the enemy lines and you block for developing the game O, K? That everyone knows his role, it's not complicated! Finn (in thought): I completely derailed. I'm tired all the time! I can not keep my eyes open (he falls asleep and wakes up in the hall of the Glee Club). I know I'm lucky: captain of the football team, hunk of the Glee Club. I know I should be super happy with Quinn, she is very popular, she wears my baby and everything ... But I can not get out of Rachel's head. It makes me a little freaked out like Glen Close in "Fatal Attraction", but she can sing and has a barrel body if you do not like breasts! (Flashback after his football training in the showers) My body me is anything! I had a hair in the ear, the other day and I have to spend oil spray pain on my shins several times a day because of growing pains. It smells really bad, but I mask the smell with lots of flavor. It's hard being a guy my age (flashback of the night: he plays to the console) between the Glee Club, football, my popularity, I'm like overwhelmed. Everyone expects something from me and I do not have enough energy for everything! I do not know how people are important as the chairs or presenters or JT Boss of the Mafia.My mother says I scatter, so I stopped doing my homework, but it did not help. All I know is that last night I popped in two. At level 2! I was completely H.S. Finn really wakes up in the hall of the Glee Club Kurt: It drooling (his voice is attenuated as it is Finn who hears it and he is not awake) Puck (echoing): Oh! You wake up? Finn (half fried on): It looks great! Puck: I said we could not let them beat us! Finn: Sorry, sometimes, but when I concentrate, it helps me to close my eyes! Arty: Let's make a mash up of "It's my life" and "Confessions" by Usher. Puck: Should we add a little stomp with lids of garbage cans, right? Arty: Puck, with all due respect, you're more useful when ... (we no longer hear because Finn went back to sleep) Puck: Oh! What happened to you? Go see the nurse. Every day, I told her I've hurt my skull and I sleep for three hours. I've never been in math class actually me! Finn: Thanks guys! Keep up the great work! Scene 9: Ballroom - all girls club Santana plucks eyebrows and stretches Britanny Rachel: O.K girls, we must begin. Santana: We gotta warms us! Rachel: Where is Quinn? Britanny: Surely the mall in search of stretch pants. all the girls laugh, except Rachel Rachel: Mr. Schuester is right girls, we must not rest on our laurels. Mercedes: Relax! I already have the songs: we'll do a mash up with "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine." Rachel: Yes, it was my idea! Mercedes: And then? We could do that with closed eyes. You really think these zozos will endanger us? One only has to improvise! Rachel: You can not improvise! Mercedes: So who is to improvise? (No one raises his hand) and who opposes it (Rachel raises her hand). Looks like the "yes" prevail! Scene 10: Infirmary - Terri and Finn Terri: Hello! What can I do for you? Finn: Hello, Mrs. Schuester. I'm Finn Hudson. I am in the Glee Club. Terri: Oh! Finn hello! Oh, one second! You're the one who is dating Quinn Fabray? Finn: Yes, why? Terri: You have really good bone structure! Finn: Yes. I am very tired lately and I wondered if I could lie down here? Terri: And if you sat? Tell me a bit about your sleep habits. About what time you go to bed? Finn: Oh, I know nothing! When the erotic channels recovering to go classic movies. I feel a little tired but now I can not fall asleep. As if my brain would not stop! Terri: And what are you thinking? Oh, you can be honest with me.Everything is kept confidential when you come here! Finn: Ok! Soccer games, girls, chores, not to, girls ... Terri: For girls? But you go out with Quinn Fabray! Finn: Yeah, but uh ... You think a guy can love two girls at once? Terri: No! You know, flirting is wrong and revenge of a woman cocue, it is rather a ruckus! Finn: I can take my nap now? Terri: You want to sleep all your life, Finn? Finn: No, but I read that teens should sleep more than children! Terri: When I was in high school I was captain of the cheerleaders, I had never less than 18 medium, I cultivated my popularity and I had engaged in a romantic relationship with my future husband! Whoa! I do not even know how I coped! Wait a minute! If I know! She rummages in his drawers and pulls out her bag she pulls out a box of medicine Pseudoephedrine! This is what they put in all decongestants to avoid soporific effect. It is as if it was a bit of a vitamin! In your place I would take those two little blue things every morning to be all fired up all day! Finn: That risk anything? Terri: It is not prescribed; they put them next to candy. Sweetie, I'm a nurse, I know what I do! (She holds up a glass of water to Finn to take the pills. He hesitates two seconds then swallow them all at once) Scene 11: Hall Glee Club - Will and the boys club Finn returns in top form Finn: Hey, guys! So it rolls? Ah that's a wonderful day! How would you like that again! Ah, I can not wait to repeat! I'm ready, I'm too excited and you guys? (He pushes one of his friends) Come on, get up! Go, shoo, we will move all those big muscles! Arty (worried): Is it that you were captured by little green men under caffeine? Finn: No, I went to see the nurse and she gave me a great vitamin! There, I too want to repeat! Besides, if we were rehearsing! And then we can build a big house for the homeless! Puck: What was that like vitamin? Kurt: Vitamin C! "Vogue" says it raises the energy level and it illuminates the complexion! Finn: Vitamin D! And I brought back for you guys! He launched the package in Puck It's my life / Confession Will: It's amazing, guys! It's crazy! I did not know you had it in you! Looks like someone poured something in your apple juice. Wouh! Girls, you've got to give everything tomorrow, otherwise ... the communal already have their opening number! Scene 12: Corridor-Rachel and Quinn Quinn goes to his locker Rachel: I've not seen the rehearsals of the Club! Quinn: I'm not a superwoman. I know that the choir is all your life. I have the cheerleaders, the role of leader, I have friends! Rachel: You're not to be embarrassed, no one judge you in the club!Listen, I know everyone expects us to be two enemies in competition, but I have no hatred towards you! Quinn: Why? I was horrible with you. Rachel: That was before you know how it feels to be me: an outsider.More and more people will notice it and you'll need friends who understand you. Quinn: How can you understand what I'm going through? Rachel: Do not you see that everyone whispers when I get to the canteen that made pornographic drawings of me in the toilet? Quinn: That was me, actually ... Rachel: Look, I not agree with the decision you have taken, but you'll need the choir! He will still have seven months of your youth, you should enjoy it. This is true in a few months, this uniform Cheeleader not you go any more and it will remain for us! So back to rehearsals; guys against girls is fun and we will be able to use your voice! You're a gifted singer Quinn, sometimes a little sharp but is that you do not have my years of practice! Quinn: I would have tortured if the roles were reversed, you know! Rachel: I know. Scene 13: Nursing and the Office store The Feast of the quilt - Terri and Howard Terri is on the phone with Howard Bamboo Terri: Hello, this is Terri. Howard: Hi Terri, here Howard Bamboo. Terri: Yes, I know Howard! Ok, you know I moonlights as a nurse, I need a service. Howard: Oh, ok. Terri Go to the drugstore to buy a few boxes of decongestant, I have a lot more and I want high school students McKinnley be happy and healthy! Howard: Uh ... How many boxes? Terri: Well ... 36 Ken arrives and she hangs up Ken: Hi Terri! Terri: Oh, hello Ken! What's the matter? Ken: We can speak frankly? Listen, we have a problem, I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband and I would not be surprised that this feeling is shared! Terri (nervous): And how long does it last? Ken: I do not know ... Few months. I see them all the time together, they laugh, they talk, all she does with me! Terri: I knew something was up! She has not taken her eyes one minute during the show grotesque Acaffelas. Ken: Look, do Will you talked about? Terri: Oh no! He is too smart for that! Finally, too, but still! Ken, I must be honest with you: I have taken this job in order to keep an eye on him. It is imperative that we stop all this so I can leave here. You see, I am not made to work five days a week! Ken: I thought maybe if you and I began to attend could neutralize their stuff! Terri: Are you all right to bed because when it does most is that something is wrong! Ken: Actually, it has not ... It has not had s*x for the moment. She does not like being touched by me! I love her so much! (He begins to sob) Terri (she gets up and goes to him): Ok! I'll be fine (she comforted Ken).There, there! Ken: Look at us both. You, me and pregnant with my psoriasis and my testicle that is not down. I do not know for whom I am most sorry ... Terri: Ok, good enough. You know what? Stop acting like the big baby! I can arrange that if you behave like a guy! Ken: Ok, I'm sorry! Terri: That's what you gonna do: you'll run into the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring, then you will put on one knee and you'll ask her to marry this little doe-eyed whore! Ken: No! That I can not do it! And if she says no? It could kill me! Terri (handing him his vitamins): You take two pills and nothing will make you more afraid! Scene 14: Hall Glee Club - The girls of the cast, Kurt, Will and Emma Rachel: I told you girls! Santana: We are aware! It's about an hour until you pass us a soap! Quinn: They were good at this point? Rachel: Excellent, Quinn! I agreed to make arrangements, choreography, staging free but we underestimated the boys. They will be the number of municipal and again I will be humiliated! Mercedes: How could we know they were going to tear up as? They are not good in general! Tina: C C How did they manage? Kurt: The real question is: what did they take? Although I am in a group with boys, my allegiance to you to the girls. They declined my proposals we make braids and found all my artistic decisions too costly because qu'impliquant several varieties of exotic bird feathers. It was in substance! Scene 15: Corridor - Will Finn and Rachel Finn (by typing in a player's hand): Dude! I developed all the upcoming matches! Yeah! Hey, Mr. Schuester, I introduced the paper on your desk. Will: That's in two weeks! Finn: Excellent I like the trend! Rachel (furious): Cheaters! Finn: Uh ... I do not know what you mean! Rachel: You have taken illegal substances before your mash up! This is Kurt told me. This is deplorable, despicable and it's really ugly! And that's cheating. From now on I'll call Finn Johnson! Finn: Hey, not attack me! I'm not Ben Johnson, I have never taken steroids. I heard that it softened the thing! Hear Rachel, you do not realize the pressure that I have! Rachel: We're all under pressure but you know how I manage? Naturally, with a strict diet and exercise everyday! Flashbacks of waking Rachel (voiceover): I wake up at six o'clock every day, I drink a protein milkshake with bananas and flax seed oil and six ten I'm on my elliptical trainer. You know how I tick? Not with something artificial! I give myself a goal and I will not stop until I reach it! End of flashback Finn: Yes, but it's personal pressure, if you succeed it does not look as you! I am a quarterback, lead singer and I have my pregnant girlfriend who only scream for ice cream! So yes, maybe I just helped my team, but that's just because I'm tired of working so much and never win! Rachel: Yes, but winning by cheating is not winning! Finn: Oh, I do not blow it here! The only thing that makes you sick is that you will surely lose! Rachel: Oh, I'm offended by this accusation! You have not yet seen our performance but our mash up is spectacular! Finn: You can not be better! We will win, you lose, accept it! Scene 16: Infirmary - Terri Howard and girls club Terri: Each will take his dose, except Quinn. Get folic acid (she whispers in his ear: "Mom, it's good for the baby! '). Hey, hurry up, Howard, patients wait! Rachel: Are you sure we should do that? Terri: Oh, it's sold without a prescription, it is safe, you can trust me! (They swallow all their pills) [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 17: Teachers' Corner - Ken, Will, Emma and Terri Ken made copies very quickly due to vitamin D Will: What is he, Ken? Terri: Do not you think he looks like? I make him take additional vitamins! Will: And that no risk? After all, you're not really nurse Terri! Terri: Do not criticize my work, Will! Plus I really starting to get used to it. Emma enters the room Emma: Hi! Terri (getting closer to Will): It is not pleasant? How long have you had any breakfast both a weekday? Oh honey, you got a little mustard on ...(She tries to remove him, kissing him, but Will suddenly departs) Will: But Terri finally! I work here myself! Terri: Sorry it's just that my hormones revved up completely when I see you! Will: Listen! You're here, it is harmful to our marriage. Terri: Ha! Spending time together is harmful to our marriage? Will: Not every minute! There is no separation! We usually go home at night and we discussour days. There is nothing more to tell! Flashback on the eve of their meal Terri: There were lots of ants on the sidewalk today. Will: In this season, it's strange! End of flashback Terri: Exactly! It forces us to broaden our intellectual horizons! (Will gets up) Where are you going? Will: In the toilet! Terri: I'm coming too. Will: No! I love you, okay? But I need my space! Terri goes to Ken Terri: Take a chance, Ken! Ken: What? Here, there, now? Terri: Yes! Ken: Hi Emma! Emma: Hi Ken. (He kneels) What are you doing? Ken: Emma, I know that between us is not perfect: not you ride in my car, I can only touch your wrist. Once you've even cried for an hour because my elbow touched your breast. But I think about you all the time! Every night before going to bed, I kiss the picture of us at the fair. (He rummages in his banana and out the engagement ring) Emma: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! While it does not happen!It's a dream! Ken: Emma Pillsbury, is not an engagement ring! Emma: Wow! Oh, thank you God! Ken: No, I mean ... It is but it's more than that, it's a promise. Listen, Emma, I know you have this thing with dirt. I know if I gather up my pants or I'll clean after my shower. But I can promise you that I will wipe your life of sadness, loneliness and all the dark clouds that can float above. (He opens the box) This is the cubic zirconium. I know you've been hit by "Blood Diamond". Emma Pillsbury, my little sweet, will you marry me? Scene 18: Hall Glee Club Rachel: Thank you very much! It is a pleasure! While boys have chosen a selection of songs recounting the life choices and responsible sexual appetite of today's teenagers, we chose a selection of songs that speak to the entire nation in these troubled times by the economic uncertainty and growing social evil because if there's two things that our country lacks is sunshine and optimism (Kurt puts his sunglasses) and angels too! Ok? Halo / Walking on sunshine Everyone applauds Will: Girls, I do not know what to tell you! You were all incredible. Oh, I do not know what you did but also continue. Our judge will not be easy. Hey, great job girls! (Will takes Rachel in his arms) Ha, okay! Goodbye. Wouh, wow! (It is close to Emma) Emma, uh ... If you walked a little? Emma: Yes. I think your plan worked. By instilling a sense of healthy competition to these young people, I think you have them motivated. Will: Well, actually, I consider you a conspirator. We found the whole idea.So it is true that Ken asked her to marry you? Emma: Yes, yes, it's true. Will: You gonna do? Emma: I do not know yet ... Did you know ... Do you see other options available to me? Will: And that's ... This is reason enough to get married? Emma: It's not what I asked you! (Terri sees them talking together and it did not seem to please him) Scene 19: Office of Emma Emma and Terri- Terri comes in and closes the door Terri: Emma? Emma (a frightened air): Terri! Hem ... Hello! Is what I can do something for you? Terri: I just wanna play cards on the table. The situation is a bit tricky since I work here so I wanted to lighten the mood. Emma: Oh! It's very nice of you! But sit down. Terri: You have no chance with my husband. You have understood? Oh, you think there is a competition between you and me, but it would mean that a nail can fight a hammer! Emma: Terri, Will is a good man! He is kind, he is generous and I know he deserves better than you! Terri: Emma, Will is my husband. Look at yourself, you feel superior because you like it to a man you see an hour or two a day? You are a little harmless dove. You are so innocent that you would steal a husband to his pregnant wife? Emma (guilty): Yes. Terri: I'll give you a tip, baby: marry Ken Tanaka. Oh sure, it is stupid as a donkey and its potpourri of nationalities surely expose your children to a lot of genetic diseases, but it is nice, he is generous, and it's available! she leaves the office, leaving Emma alone and disoriented Scene 20: Corridor of the school - and Terri Quinn Quinn: Mrs. Schuester, we have to talk about the baby. Terri: Are you okay? Wait, you will not have it now? Quinn: What? No! You are not supposed to be a nurse? I've been thinking about your offer. Terri: Yes? Quinn: I like my life. I also like being a cheerleader and I can not believe I will say this, but I really love being in the Glee Club. I have all these incredible things in my life and sometimes I think it's great. I can not raise a baby! Terri: You know, frankly, I do not know how you do today! I've never ... I've never drooled that much when I was your age, even if we had not as many cable channels you. And Finn is also okay? I would not want there to fight with dad when you confieras me the baby! Quinn: He's the reason I do this. It's a boy so well, and he internalizes all this pressure. It will have a heart attack. And I do not want Mr. Schuester is aware of all that either! I do not want to hurt her. Terri: Your secret is safe with me. I have more to lose than you! Quinn: One more thing: when you gave me these vitamins for the baby, I appreciated your gesture, but I will have to pay those invoices to the doctor and I'm going to need maternity clothes. Terri: You want me, I pay you? Quinn: It'll be your baby! Terri: So, I'll pay the bills for eighteen years. You might as well charge you nine months. Listen, you chose the right solution. Quinn: It's the best thing for everyone. Eh? Scene 21: Locker room of soccer - Emma and Ken Ken clears his notes on the board for Emma advance stealthily, terrified by so many dirt Emma: Hi! Ken (turning surprised and pleased): Hi! Emma: I will not ... I can not stay here long because of germs, you know, and because of the smell, but I have a question. Ken: Anything you want, Emma. Emma: Well, what ... What does it mean to marry, exactly? Because I want to keep my name and I want us to continue to live in different places. And I think it would be better if we did not see himself after class! Ken: Of course! Emma: And I would not of great ceremony, you know in a church full of people. It would have invited person. Besides, you see, nor tell anyone. It would be more of a secret wedding! Ken: It's a better answer than I expected! Emma: You're a good person, Ken! And I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and I know that either! Ken: So, is that it's yes? Scene 22: Corridors outside - Rachel and Finn Rachel Finn crosses the hallway when suddenly before it happens Finn: So Rachel shape? Super mash up! You were so full of energy! Rachel: We have taken on such great athletes, period! It's not cheating if everyone does it. It has just made equal! Finn: You really think that? Rachel: No! You make me feel really bad, even if it wins, it will ever satisfying! Finn: I know. Our passage, I even remember! It is how? Rachel: I think the only thing to do is to withdraw from the competition.You see, admit you were wrong and disqualify our respective teams right away. Nobody will win! Finn: Cool! (They start walking) Rachel: By the way, sorry for what I told you the other day when I said you were despicable and deplorable. Finn: Oh, that's okay, I even know what that means! Rachel: Uh ... Finn, what I wanted to tell you is that I let myself be carried away in the hysteria of the competition. My goals are too selfish. I think it's time for me to stop trying to compete with others and begin to fight alongside them! Scene 23: Office Figgins - Will, Terri and Mr. Figgins Will: Damn! Who do you think? You gave the drug to my students! Terri: I've already said, it is sold without a prescription. It is approved by the competent authorities and if it had not come from me, I'm sure the children have found themselves! Will: No, no, not at all! They are great! Terri: It's not that bad! Figgins: Bamboo Howard was arrested ... Flashback to his arrest Police officers rushed upon him while he takes boxes of medicines on the shelf of the store Back at the office of Figgins Terri: Oh, yes, yes! Will: Wait! What? Figgins: Pseudoephedrine is an ingredient in methamphetamines fabricaton. Howard has been tightened by cops on suspicion of running a clandestine laboratory. Terri: I never told Howard to keep everything in one place! Will: Enough is enough, Terri! How we are supposed to raise a baby so ... If I can not let you watch a group of teens. You're completely unaware of the consequences! Terri: I wanted to give you a hand, Will! Will: Avoid! Every time there is a spark that lights in my life, you always find a way for it turns into fire! Figgins: I have serious doubts about your judgment, Ms. Schuester! I'll have to ask you to resign your position! Terri: Great! I worked too much anyway. (Will gets up) Figgins: Do not Leave Schuester! I would have some doubts about your judgment for you too! Will: What? I was not at all aware of this story! Figgins: Exactly! Children count on you to pass on your culture and you, with your obsession with winning and competition, you have created this dangerous atmosphere. I'll hire someone else to co-lead the glee club.Someone who has proven in terms of responsibility and excellence! Scene 24: Hall Glee Club - Will and Club members to complete Finn: We're sorry M; Schuester! Rachel: We did not want to cause you problems! Will: You have really disappointed! In this choir this is what you have in your heart, not what you inject into the veins! Rachel: We know and I think I speak for everyone in saying we would go ahead and leave this episode behind us. Will: Yes, but it's not so simple, because that because of this debacle it was decided that I could no longer lead the glee club alone. We were assigned a co-director. Rachel: Who? Sue arrives from the corridor Sue: Hi, kids! Ha ha! I must confess that I am delighted to board for your kind co-govern cruise showbiz. Ha! I look forward to sing, dance and maybe even me a little fart! Scene 25: Corridor - Will and Emma Will leaves the rehearsal room and calls out Emma Emma: Will. I preferred that it be me who the ad. You know Ken asked me to marry him. I said yes. Will: It's ... It's great! (Emma and leaves from Will stunned by the news. They turn everyone down the hall and looks of disappointment crossed) Scene 26: Chamber of Rachel - Rachel She inspects the box of pseudoephedrine, rises from his bed and throws it away. She turns on her stereo and climbs on her elliptical trainer, determined to achieve his goal: The communal!

Believing the glee club members are becoming complacent ahead of Sectionals, Will pits the girls against the boys for a mash-up competition. Terri takes a job as the school nurse to stop Will becoming closer to Emma. With encouragement from Terri, Ken proposes to Emma, who reluctantly accepts. Terri gives the glee club pseudoephedrine tablets, enhancing their mash-up performances. Rachel and Finn feel guilty and confess, resulting in the competition being nullified, Terri being fired, and Sue being appointed co-director of the glee club. Quinn agrees to let Terri secretly adopt her baby, enabling Terri to continue faking her pregnancy.

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[Gilbert's house] (Elena is sleeping. Jonas is in the bathroom, looking at her. She hears noise so she wakes up suddenly. She gets up and goes outside her bedroom. She looks everywhere. She hears a noise behind her so she turns herself and sees Alaric, naked. He has a bowl in his hands) Alaric: Elena Elena: I heard something (Jenna arrives. They're uncomfortable) Jenna: That was us. I'm sorry (Jonas is in Elena's bedroom. He takes Elena's hair from her hairbrush and some of other stuff, including a picture of her) Alaric: Well, I'm naked so I'm gonna go (He leaves and goes in Jenna's bedroom) Jenna: I'm really really sorry Elena: It's okay, Jenna. Don't worry about it Jenna: I know he's been staying over a lot. Are you sure it's okay? Elena: Seems like things are good Jenna: They are extremely good Elena: Then I'm extremely okay with that (She goes in her bedroom and lay on her bed. Jonas is waiting in the bathroom. Once she's closed her eyes, he goes outside the bathroom and leaves the house) [The tomb] (Stefan and Damon are going under the church ruins to talk to Katherine) Damon: Let's to it (They open the tomb's door) [Gilbert's house] (Elena opens the door. Stefan and Damon are here) Stefan: Hey, can we talk? Elena: Why? Damon: We went to see Katherine Elena: Come on in (They enter the house) [The tomb] (The door of the tomb is opened) Katherine: Please, come on in. There's many room for all of us Damon: I rather poke my eyes out Katherine: Hmm, there are such pretty eyes Stefan: We're here for the moonstone Damon: Feel like tossing it over? Katherine: Tell you what, you get a little witch to hocus pocus me out of here and you get whatever you want Stefan: I thought you liked it in here. Nice and safe where Klaus can't get to you Katherine: I've time to reconsider Damon: Meaning you're hungry Katherine: I'm starving, Damon and dirty but above all, I'm bored. At least running from Klaus was not boring so here the deal: you get me out of here, you get the moonstone and I'll disappear from Mystic Falls forever. Let me know what you decide (She shows them the moonstone and leaves) [Gilbert's house] (Elena, Damon and Stefan are in the kitchen) Elena: You don't believe her, do you? Damon: No, of course not. We just want the moonstone Stefan: According to Rose's friend Slater, there's the way to destroy the spell that Klaus wants to break Damon: No spell, no doppelganger sacrifice so ergo you live Elena: How do you destroy it? Stefan: By releasing it from the moonstone Elena: How do you guys even know this is gonna work? Damon: 'cause we have a crafty witch on our side Elena: You discussed with Bonnie Stefan: She agreed to do anything she could to help us Elena: It's Katherine who has the moonstone. She's not gonna give it to you Stefan: We're gonna get it from her Damon: Well, what he means to say is we will pray for her cold dead head if we have to Stefan: Bonnie just needs to find a way to release the seal long enough for us to get in, get the moonstone and get out in time for her to return it Elena: Whoa, seems like you guys have already all planned out Damon: Yep, we're awesome Elena: Except for one thing. I don't want you to do it Stefan: What are you talking about? Elena, we don't have a choice Elena: What about Klaus? Stefan: We'll find him right after we get the moonstone Elena: Is that before or after that he kills everyone that I care about, including the two of you (She looks at Damon. He seems stunned) Stefan: Elena, if we can dispel the moonstone, we can save your life Elena: I know, everybody keeps saying that (She leaves. They look at each other) [Mystic Falls' high school] (Bonnie is talking with Luka) Luka: So your grams waited you were in high school to tell you that you're a witch? Bonnie: She brought it up before but I just thought she was drunk. In my defense, she was Luka: So then you're like new Bonnie: Newish. I still have some growing pains Luka: Like? Bonnie: Physically it's becoming a lot harder. I have a bad reaction to it sometimes Luka: Your noise bleeds? Bonnie: Yeah and I pass out sometimes Luka: It's because you're trying to do too much on your own. You need help Bonnie: From what? Luka: From nature, the elements. Just things you could dry your power from. Do you have channel to another witch before? Bonnie: What is that? Luka: Say we put our energy together and we can double our strength. I'll show you. Let me see that bracelet (She gives him her bracelet and he gives her his army necklace) Luka: I want you to stand very still and concentrate Bonnie: I don't get it Luka: I know Bonnie: What are we doing? Luka: We're channeling. They're personal idioms we activate as talisman. Now concentrate (She closes her eyes, reopens it and looks at him) Bonnie: What is that? (He smiles and closes his eyes. The wind is strong. The leafs fly. Everyone runs because there is a lot of wind. Bonnie and Luka are still and have their eyes closed. They open their eyes again. They smile) (She laughs. Jeremy arrives) Jeremy: What's with that weather, uh? Luka: It's global warming man. I don't know. I got to go. See you later Bonnie Bonnie: Bye Luka (She smiles) Luka: Bye (He smiles and leaves) Jeremy: The guy is weird, uh? Bonnie: No he's not (She still has Luka's necklace in his hands. Her phone rings. She looks at it) Jeremy: What is it? Bonnie: It's Damon [Salvatore's house] (Elena enter the house. Rose is here. She only wears a nightgown) Rose: It's not nice to leave a girl naked so early in the morning (She sees Elena) Rose: Sorry, I thought you were... Elena: I... sorry. I... Rose: There is no one else here Elena: Actually I came to talk to you Rose: Then I should probably get dressed (She smiles) (They both are in the living room. Rose is dressed) Rose: It's a bad idea Elena: No, it's not. From what Stefan told me your friend Slater obviously has more information about Klaus. You and Damon just gave up before you got it Rose: Because somebody blew up a coffee shop with us in it Elena: There's more to learn. We just have to find a way to learn it Rose: Why are you coming to me with this? Elena: Because you owe me. One word from me and Damon Stefan could have killed you for kidnapping me Rose: Or maybe it's because you know that they wouldn't want you doing this Elena: We're having a disagreement, okay? They're willing to risk everyone that i love and I'm not Rose: They're just trying to protect you Elena: And you've proven you couldn't care less whether I'm protected or not so we're back to you taking me to Slater Rose: What exactly do you hope to achieve by this? Elena: How would you like to be able to walk during the daylight? Rose: I've been the slave to shadows for 500 years, what do you think? Elena: I think I know a witch who's willing to do whatever it takes to help if you're willing to make a deal [Mystic Falls' high school] (Tyler is playing basketball. Matt rejoins him) Matt: Hey man, how are you doing? Tyler: Good and you? Matt: I pissed myself for picking a fight with you and I'm feeling guilty for what happened to Sarah. I mean, I've been dodging you for days because I didn't know what to say to you Tyler: Don't worry Matt: I'm really sorry. Please know that (He leaves and meets Caroline) Caroline: Matt Matt: Hey Caroline: How are you? Matt: I've been better. I got to get to class Caroline: Okay (He leaves. She rejoins Tyler) Tyler: You two still on the outs? Caroline: Looks like it. You realize there is almost a full moon? Tyler: Vampires don't have enough problems? You want to take on mine? Caroline: Have you thought about it? The whole wolf thing? Do you know what you're gonna do? Tyler: I have a plan Caroline: Well... Tyler: Kind of private Caroline: I headed the prom comity, not to mention I single handedly organized this town cleanup campaign and you're really gonna turned out my help? [Salvatore's House] (Bonnie is talking with Stefan, Damon and Jeremy) Bonnie: I might be able to lower the tomb spell long enough for you to get in there and grab the moonstone from Katherine Jeremy: How? It took both you and your grams last time and look what happened to her Bonnie: I'm aware of what happened. I've learn a few new things Jeremy: Bonnie... (She looks at Stefan) Bonnie: How will you get it? Stefan: She hasn't been feeding. She's weaker, we're not (Damon shows her a glass of blood) Bonnie: You wouldn't be underestimating her, do you? Stefan: It's a plan. Is it perfect? What plan is? Jeremy: Let me do it. I've got my ring, I could get in, get out and no spell necessary Damon: Jeez thank you 16 years old child. Why didn't we think about that? Why are you even here? Bonnie: Maybe I can help better the plan. Do you have anything that belongs to Katherine? (Damon looks at Stefan) [Somewhere. An apartment] (Rose knocks on the door but nobody respond) Rose: Slater? Slater, it's Rose. Open up! (She looks at Elena) Rose: He's not home, sorry Elena: uh uh. We didn't come all the way out of here for nothing (Rose opens the door with her strength) Rose: Off to you (They enter) Rose: Slater? (She finds Slater's body) Rose: I don't think he's gonna be much help (Elena rejoins her and sees the body too. Then she looks everywhere and finds a lot of papers and computer. She looks at the papers) Elena: Looks like whoever blew up the coffee shop found him and killed him for his information Rose: Yeah, probably for helping people like us. The guy was a vampire omeneck. Knowing too much information just beat him in the ass (Rose opens the curtains) Elena: What are you...? Rose: tempted glass, UV rays can't penetrate (She looks through the window) Rose: I used to just come here and watch the day (Elena is looking at a picture of Slater and a girl) Elena: I'm sorry about Slater Rose: Any luck? (Elena looks at one of the computers) Elena: its password protected, I can't get in Rose: Then this is pointless, let's just go (They hear noise) Rose: Stay here (She leaves to see what the noise is. She goes in a room and finds a girl) Rose: Alice? Alice: Rose (She embraces Rose. She's crying. Elena looks at them) [Salvatore's House] Stefan: This belonged to Katherine. I found it with her things after I thought she was dead but it was hers (He gives Katherine's portrait to Katherine. She takes it and puts it in a bowl. She puts a few drops of water on it. It burns. She closes her eyes and cast a spell in Latin) Damon: What was this? Bonnie: I can turn the metal into ash, blew the ashes on her and it will incapacitate her for a minute or two. Long enough for you to get the stone and get out (Her nose bleeds but nobody sees her so she cleans it) [The woods] (Tyler and Caroline are walking) Tyler: Matt takes it pretty hard Caroline: I know. It's better this way Tyler: I get it Caroline: You do? Tyler: Yeah. You can't be honest with him. It's not really fair to be with someone not really let them know who you are. I get it (He keeps walking toward the old Lockwood property) Tyler: Right over here. There's a cellar that goes to our old property Caroline: I know Tyler: You do? Caroline: I know that this is the old Lockwood property Tyler: Watch your step (They go in the ruins) Tyler: I'm guessing that's where Mason was headed the night he turned. It's this way Caroline: Did Mason tell you about this place? Tyler: Mason bolted before I trigger the curse but I found these (He shows her nails marks on the wall) Caroline: Look old Tyler: And these bolt and chains. I need new chains but the bolt can still hold (He shows her how resistant the bolt is) Tyler: I think that's what this place was use for. Full moons (She looks everywhere and finds something) Caroline: What's this? (She takes what she's found. She opens it in front of Tyler. It's a diary) Caroline: Was it Mason's? (He looks at the diary and begins to read) Tyler: "August 31. My body is changing. I'm edgy, angry and impatient. I get some black out, I forget what I say or do. I'm not myself. Not since Jimmy's death. What's happening to me? (He looks further in the diary) Tyler: He chronicled everything. "The full moon is tonight" Caroline: Does he say what happened? (He finds a memory stick at the end of the diary. He takes it and looks at it. He looks at Caroline) [Salvatore's house] (Bonnie puts the ashes on the table) Stefan: We should get the torches Damon: Alaric's stakes are in my trunk. Bonnie? Bonnie: Go ahead. I'm almost done (They leave. Bonnie is alone with Jeremy) Jeremy: What are you doing? You're not strong enough (She puts a finger on his mouth and looks at him) Bonnie: I'll be fine Jeremy: You could get hurt Bonnie: and Elena could die. I'll be fine. I promise Jeremy: I got this okay? Go get me something to put this in, alright? (She smiles and goes get him what he asked her. While she doesn't watch, he takes some of the ashes) [Slater's apartment] (Rose is comforting Alice. She rejoins Elena who's preparing some tea) Rose: She found him a few minutes before we did Elena: How is she? Rose: Overreacting. Big time Elena: Her boyfriend just died. There's no such thing as overreacting Rose: The tears are for her. She didn't care of Slater. She was only dating him long enough to see if he'll turn her (They both look at Alice. Elena rejoins her and gives her a cup of tea) Alice: Thank you (She looks at Elena) Alice: You look really familiar. Did you know Slater? Elena: Not personally, no. I just knew that he kept detail records of all of his vampire's contacts and I was hoping that he could point me towards Klaus Alice: Doubtful. Klaus doesn't want to be pointed out Elena: Do you know Slater's computer password? Alice: Are you seriously asking me that right now? I just saw my boyfriend with a stake through his heart Elena: I understand that. Do you know his password? Alice: Who do you think you are? (She drinks. Elena looks at Rose and get closer to Alice) Elena: What if I could convince Rose to turn you? (Alice is surprised. Rose is not happy about this) Elena: Will you show us his files then? (Alice is on one of Slater's computer. Elena and Rose are with her) Alice: Someone's been here. The hard disc is completely wiped out Rose: Probably by the one who killed him Alice: Lucky for you, Slater was paranoid. Everything's backed up on a mode server (Rose looks at Elena to speak to her) Rose: You know that she's not going anywhere near of my blood, right? Elena: I know but she doesn't (She gets closer to Alice to see the computer. Rose smiles. Alice has entered the computer thanks to the password) Alice: Kristen Stewart. God, was it obvious? Elena: These are all leads to vampires? Alice: Slater was obsessed. Almost as much as me Rose: What about that one: Cody Webber? They exchanged dozens of emails about Elijah Alice: I could call him (Elena gives her the phone) Elena: Tell him that we're trying to send a message to Klaus: the doppelganger is alive and she's ready to surrender Rose: What?! Alice: Oh my god! I knew I recognized you Elena: Get him the message please (She goes in another room. Rose rejoins her) Rose: What are you doing? Elena: I'm getting Klaus's attention Rose: If Klaus knows that you're alive, he'll find you and he'll kill you (Elena's face is determined. Rose understands) Rose: Which is exactly what you wanted all along Elena: It's either me or my family Rose: So all of this is a suicide mission so that you could sacrifice yourself and save everyone else? (Alice rejoins them) Alice: Cody is on his way and he really wants to meet you [The Tomb] (Katherine stops and sees Jeremy) Katherine: The youngest Gilbert. This is an intriguing surprise Jeremy: I'm here for the moonstone Katherine: Yeah, the stone. It's very popular today Jeremy: Just give it to me Katherine: Naïve little Gilbert. If you want it, you're gonna have to come here and get it (He drives a stake through her. She removes it but he throws her the ashes. She falls on the floor. She unconscious) Jeremy: I kind of figured you'd say that (He looks if the moonstone is on her but she's not) Jeremy: Come on, where is it? (He goes further in the tomb and finds it at the bottom of the tomb, on a rock. He runs to get out of the tomb but Katherine rushes over him and bites him. He throws the moonstone out of the tomb) [SCENE_BREAK] [The woods] (Bonnie rejoins Stefan and Damon at the church ruins) Bonnie: Sorry I'm late. I degrabed the grimoire from home Damon: Jeremy couldn't take the pressure, uh? Bonnie: He said he'd be here (Bonnie and Stefan go in the tomb. Damon's phone rings. He answers. It's Rose) Damon: Not a good time Rose Rose: Don't be angry with me Damon: Why, what did you do? Rose: You need to get to Richmond immediately Damon: Tell me [The Tomb] (Bonnie and Stefan are in front of the tomb's door. They prepare everything. Stefan sees the moonstone on the floor and rushes over it) Stefan: What the hell? Bonnie: Is it the moonstone? (Katherine stops at the tomb's door. Hers lips are full of blood) Katherine: I hate to interrupt but today have been full of surprises (She shows them Jeremy. He doesn't looks well. He has a bite mark on his neck) Jeremy: I'm sorry. I took some powder Katherine: Don't worry, I know that he's wearing his ring so no matter how many times I kill him, he'll just be coming back for more. So, I'm gonna be in the back playing with my new little toy and you guys just give me a howl when you got the tomb open [Jonas and Luka's house] (Jonas is with Elijah. There are all the things he's stolen from Elena's bedroom on the table) Elijah: So how exactly does the spell work? Jonas: Give me your hand (Elijah gives his hand. Jonas cuts it with a knife) Jonas: Place it here (Elijah puts his hand on Elena's picture) Jonas: Now take my hand (Elijah takes Jonas's hand) Jonas: Close your eyes, relax your mind and look for her (Elijah closes his eyes. Jonas closes his eyes too and cast a spell in Latin) [Slater's apartment] (Elena is looking through the window. She sees Elijah's face in it. She turns herself to see if he's here) [Jonas and Luka's house] (Elijah opens his eyes) Jonas: You saw her, didn't you? Elijah: I know exactly where she is [The tomb] (Bonnie is turns on the torches) Stefan: Where the hell is Damon? Bonnie: We can't wait; we have to get him out of there Stefan: She's fed, she has her strength back Bonnie: We still have what's left of the ash. Do you think you can get close enough? Stefan: I don't have a choice Bonnie: It's gonna take me some time Stefan: How long? Bonnie: I don't know, a while Stefan: Just get me in there as soon as you can [Jonas and Luka's house] (Luka arrives) Jonas: So how was school? Luka: Revealing [The Tomb] (Bonnie is casting the spell) [Jonas and Luka's house] (Luka doesn't seem good) Jonas: What's wrong? Luka: Nothing (Luka touches his neck but he's necklace's not here anymore) [The Tomb] (Bonnie is still casting the spell. She's Luka's necklace in her hands) [Caroline's house] (Caroline and Tyler are in the living room. Tyler puts the memory stick in the computer. It's a videotape from Mason) Mason: "September 15, 2 hours from the first full moon since I triggered the curse" Tyler: He tapped his first transformation (Caroline looks at the diary) Caroline: There's nothing... September 16. He wrote about everything the next day (She reads) Caroline: "I chose the garage. I could double the door. It was far from the street so no one could hear. I bolted hooks to the floor for the carabineers". Like for mountain climbing? (Tyler is looking at the tape) Tyler: Retractable cables (In the tape, Mason drinks something) Caroline: It's wolfs pain. "I dilated wolfs pain with water to weaken myself but I could barely get it down without plucking. It felt like I was drinking battery acid. Over an hour passed and nothing happened. It got do quiet I could hear my own blood pumping and that's when..." (On the video, Mason is screaming and moving because of the pain) Caroline: "I kept thinking at black out and not feel it but I did. I felt all of it" (Mason is on the floor, crying because of the pain. He's asking for help) Caroline: How long is it? Tyler: 3 hours in (He advances the video) Tyler: 4 hours (He keeps advancing it) Tyler: 5 hours. How long this is last? (On the video Mason's eyes change and he screams. Tyler gets up. He's almost crying) Tyler: I can't. I can't do that. Caroline, whatever that was, I can't go through that [Slater's apartment] (Elena is drinking water. She looks at Alive but then she turns herself and is face to face with Damon) Damon: What are you doing here? Elena: What are you doing here? (She looks at Rose) Elena: You called him? Rose: I'm sorry, Elena. Elena: You said that you understood Damon: She lied (She looks at Damon. Alice arrives) Alice: Damon Salvatore Damon: Get rid of her Alice: No way (Rose catches her arm and takes her to another room) Damon: Come on, we're living Elena: No Damon: I said we're living Elena: I'm not going with you Damon: You do not get to make decisions anymore Elena: When have I ever made a decision? You and Stefan do that for me but this, this is my decision Damon: Whose gonna save your life while you're making decisions? Elena: You're not listening to me, Damon. I don't want to be saved. Not if it means that Klaus is gonna kill every single person that I love Damon: Get your ass out the door before I through you over my shoulder and carry you out myself (He catches her arm but she doesn't want to. She wants to beat him with her fist but he catches it and get closer to her) Damon: Don't ever do that again [The Tomb] (Bonnie is still casting the spell with Luka's necklace. Katherine arrives with Jeremy) Katherine: Hmm, something's happening Jeremy: Bonnie no! You have to stop her, she's not strong enough! Katherine: Maybe she is [Luka and Jonas' house] (Luka is doing his homework bur he's not good because Bonnie is channeling with him) Jonas: What's going on? Luka: It's Bonnie Bennett. She's channeling me Jonas: Why would you let her do that? Luka: You told me to bond with her so I bounded (His nose bleeds) [The tomb] (Bonnie's nose is bleeding to) Stefan: Bonnie, Bonnie Jeremy: You got to stop her (Katherine beats him with her elbow. He falls on the floor) Stefan: You need to stop. Bonnie! [Luka and Jonas' house] (Luka falls on the floor) Jonas: Luka! (He touches Luka's head and uses his powers. Luka opens his eyes. He seems fine) [The Tomb] Stefan: Bonnie! (She falls on the floor. She's unconscious) Stefan: Bonnie, Bonnie wake up please Katherine: Yes please because I'm still in here! (Bonnie wakes up) Stefan: Are you okay? Bonnie: It didn't work. I'm not strong enough. Even with help I can't do it Katherine: That's too bad, I'm still hungry (She pushes Jeremy against the wall and bites him but Stefan goes in the tomb and throws Jeremy out of it. Stefan pushes Katherine against the wall. She smiles. Bonnie takes Jeremy in her arms) [Caroline's house] (Caroline closes Mason's diary) Caroline: You know what? I don't think we should read this anymore Tyler: Why? What did you read? Caroline: There's a... reason that's called a curse, Tyler (He reads) Tyler: "Inimagible pain, I thought it would never end, it was the worse night of my life" (He closes the diary and sits down on the couch) Caroline: But... he did say that the transformation speeds up over time. So if you could just get through this first time then... Tyler: Why are you helping me? Caroline: What do you mean? Tyler: Why do you care? You've never been friends before Caroline: It's not true. I've known you my entire life, Tyler Tyler: We've never been close. Not like this Caroline: I don't know. You just seem like you... like you kind of need it (She sits down next to him) Caroline: I was alone when I turned. I had no control over my body or my urges and... I killed somebody. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to be alone (Someone knocks on the door. She goes to open the door. It's Matt) Caroline: Matt... Matt: I know I should have called, I'm sorry Caroline: What are you doing here? Matt: I don't know but I was driving home from work and just kind of found myself here Caroline: Are you okay? I've been worried about you Matt: I miss you (She smiles. He smiles too. She laughs. Tyler arrives. Matt seems surprised) Matt: Hey Tyler: Hey [Slater's apartment] (Damon goes out of a room. There's Alice in this room) Damon: Time to go. Alice is sleeping and won't remember a moment of this horrible stupid day (Tree men open the door and enter the apartment. Damon turns his head toward the door. Rose and Elena gets up) Cody: We're here to meet the doppelganger Elena: Thank you for coming (Damon catches his arm) Damon: I will break your arm (He looks at Cody) Damon: There is nothing here for you (The third man is killed and his body falls on the floor. Elijah is here and he killed the man. He gets closer to the two other men. Rose runs out of the apartment) Damon: I killed you. You were dead Elijah: For centuries now (He looks at Cody) Elijah: Who are you? Cody: Who are you? Elijah: I'm Elijah Cody: We were gonna bring her to you for Klaus. She's the doppelganger. I don't know how she exists but she does. Klaus would want to see her Elijah: Does anyone else know that you're here? Cody: No Elijah: Well, then you have been incredibly helpful (He rips their hearts apart and throws the hearts on the floor. Damon prepares to fight but Elijah looks at them and leave. Damon looks at Elena. She doesn't understand) [Luka and Jonas' house] (Elijah is here. He looks through the window. Jonas rejoins him) Elijah: Where is Luka? Jonas: Asleep Elijah: Your shadow spell was successful. I was able to track that girl. However I did have a little running with one of the brothers that killed me Jonas: I assume he didn't live to tell about it Elijah: Actually I spared him. He'd die before he let anything happen to her, they both would. She'll be kept safe Jonas: For now Elijah: That's precisely where we need her to be. Safe [Gilbert's house] (Bonnie and Jeremy arrive at the house) Jeremy: I'm home, okay? I don't need an escort to my room Bonnie: I don't know. Between here and upstairs there's still time for you to do something stupid Jeremy: I already feel bad. I don't need you to bread me Bonnie: Stefan is stuck in there and I don't know how to get him out. What should I be doing? Jeremy: You should admit that you never should have try this in the first place Bonnie: I didn't have a choice, Jeremy! Jeremy: Yeah, neither did i Bonnie: Why did you have to get involve? Jeremy: Because I didn't want you to get hurt Bonnie: Look Jeremy... you can't feel that way about me Jeremy: Don't Bonnie: What? Jeremy: Don't act like this is one side and like I'm some kid that has a crush on his sister's friend. You could have died today (He touches her face) Bonnie: And you almost did Jeremy: That was a chance I'm willing to take (He gets closer to kiss her) Bonnie: I can't... I can't. I'm sorry Jeremy: Yeah... (She looks at him and leaves) (Elena and Damon arrive at the house. They stop on the porch) Elena: Thank you for bringing me home Damon: Well, you ride left you. I didn't want to leave you stranded Elena: She was just scared. She didn't mean to run Damon: Yes she did. She's been running for 500 years Elena: I can't believe Elijah is alive. Why do you think he killed those two vampires and just let us go? Damon: if I had a dollar for every time some evil vampire surprises me... (She goes toward the door but Damon catches her arm) Damon: What you did today was incredibly stupid Elena: Actually the only thing that was stupid was that I got caught. I don't question why you and Stefan and everyone else try so hard to save me. You shouldn't question why i would try to save all of you. Damon, good night, okay? (Jeremy opens the door) Damon: What? Jeremy: it's Stefan [The Tomb] (Elena rushes on the tomb) Elena: Stefan! Stefan! (She stops at the tomb's entry. Damon arrives and pushes her against the wall) Damon: don't you dare Elena: Stefan's in here, Damon! How could you let this happen? Damon: What are you talking about? I was too busy saving you from your crazy kamikaze mission (Stefan and Katherine are in the tomb. They are listening to them) Elena: You didn't have to go after the moonstone in the first place! Damon: It was the right call, Elena! Elena: The right call? How would any of this be the right call? Damon, let go of me! Let go of me! (She bits him with her fists but he doesn't releases her but she stops) Elena: Please Damon: Are you done? (He releases her. She goes toward the tomb again but he stops her. She looks at him and leaves. She's angry. Stefan rejoins Damon at the entry of the door) Damon: Of all idiots plan... I'll find a way to get you out Stefan: No it's alright. I'll head myself. Bonnie has the moonstone. Work with her. Try to figure out how to dispel it Damon: You martyr yourself into a tomb and I got to partner with a semi competent witch? Wonderful Stefan: Keep Elena away from here Damon: Yeah 'cause that will be easy... Stefan: Promise me. No matter what happens, you'll protect her Damon: I promise (He leaves. Katherine rejoins Stefan) Katherine: That right there was the biggest mistake you've ever made

Elena and Rose go to ask Slater about Klaus, but they find his staked corpse. Elena uses information from Slater's computer to get Klaus's attention, saying she wants to surrender. Caroline and Tyler discover Mason's journal and the video diary that he used to document his transformations. Bonnie plans to lift the spell from the tomb and incapacitate Katherine so that Stefan can grab the moonstone, but Jeremy goes ahead with the plan alone and is captured by Katherine, who feeds on him. Stefan saves Jeremy but is trapped himself. Three vampires confront Damon, Rose, and Elena. Elijah kills the three vampires and then departs. Back home, a trapped Stefan makes Damon promise to protect Elena. Elijah informs Luka's father that Damon and Stefan will protect Elena, which is Elijah's goal.

fd_FRIENDS_03x23

fd_FRIENDS_03x23_0

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick.] Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. Chandler: Or... Dick. Ross: (entering) Hey. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something. Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better? Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body. Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it? Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants) Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!! Chandler: No!! Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.) Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh. Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.) Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole. Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple? Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a... Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned) Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter. Ross: Ahhh. Joey: Yeah, right. (Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.) Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.] Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (points to the stage) Vince: Good deal. Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people. Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey! Vince: Hey! Phoebe: Vince is a fireman. Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force. Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred. Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son. Chandler: You're right, I know. Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves) Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave) Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler. Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other? Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't. Ross: (entering) Hey guys! Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hi! (He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.) Joey: (going over to him) Well?! Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's? Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign. Joey: Well what is it?! Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it. Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples. Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name. Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross." Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool! [cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom] Monica: Pete's breaking up with me. All: What?! Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. Rachel: And? Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad. Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you. Monica: Really?! Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. [Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason.] Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life. Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my God! Jason: Whoa! Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!! Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department! Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No! Jason: No, no? Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here! Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?! Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? (she drags him away) [Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.] Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off! Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What are you doing? Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple. Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple. Ross: No? Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass. Ross: Well then, what is it?! Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment? Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton! Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there.] Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants. Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean. Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them. Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) ...and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field? Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them. Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more? Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles) Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive. Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him. Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy. Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy! Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. [Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.] Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!! Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped. (He removes the blanket covering the thing.) All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased) [Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around.] Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see you just need to find the right command. Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch. Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV. Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything. Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable. Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing. Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen. Monica: I know. Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day. Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook. Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings) Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front of it, and automatically answers it) Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides) Monica: I guess that's how. Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going. Monica: Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good, just here watering the plants. Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel. Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!! Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever. All: (standing up) Hey Pete. Joey: Hi, how ya doing? Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news. Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me. Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back. Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon. Pete: Okay, I love you. Monica: I love you. All: I love you, love you. Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news. Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is? Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is? [pause] Monica: Oh my. Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!! Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom! (Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.) Pete's Mom: Hello. Monica: And that's Pete's Mom. (The gang quickly hides again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete's.] Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it. Monica: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose. Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing. Monica: Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy. Ross: Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can't just rush into this. Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian! (Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.) Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince. Chandler: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than having just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.) (pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck! All: Good luck! (pause) Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet. [Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince.] Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here? Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?! Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire station's have) Phoebe: Wow! I didn't know you guys actually used those. Vince: So, what's up? Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I don't think we should see each other anymore. Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal. Phoebe: I'm sorry. Vince: No-no it's okay. It's just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and... (starts choking up) That there's so much in me I have to share with you yet. Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn't... Vince: (starting to cry) I'm sorry, I can't talk. I'm gonna go write in my journal. (walks away) Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.] Phoebe: (to Ross) I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy. Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory. Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it. Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist's card and leaves.) Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist. Monica: Brides magazines? Rachel: Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he asked you, but I'm sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows her the picture.) Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) Like for clubbing. Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I know it's a little sudden, and it's a little rushed, and it's totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn't mean I can't. Right? I mean I'm-I'm crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy. Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry) Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets some) Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? Rachel: You didn't break up with that fireman? Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me. Rachel: Wow! Phoebe: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal. Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason? Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and... Okay so Jason is sensitive, (holds up one finger) but now so's Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So... It's really just about the math. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Jason's apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason.] Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason? Jason: Yeah, come on in. (She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.) Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong? Phoebe: Nah-ha! [Scene: Phoebe's Herbal Guy's office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.] Guru Saj: You must be Ross. Ross: Hi. Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces) Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I've-I've never been to a guru before, so... Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I've attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it's a koondis! Ross: What's a koondis? Guru Saj: I don't know, what's a koondis with you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I've got a sav that oughta shrink that right up. Ross: I guess it's worth a try. Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results-Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly wipes it off) Ross: What?! What?! Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it. Ross: We?! We angered it?! Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a 'What?' look) Love. Ross: Oh God! Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to... Ross: Ow!! Guru Saj: Oops. Ross: What was, what was that? Guru Saj: Well it's gone. Ross: What?! How's that? Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch. Ross: Hey! (congratulates him) [Scene: Pete's apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date.] Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again they're too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.) Monica: Ooh, nice. Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about. Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that. Pete: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life... Monica: Yeah? Pete: And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world. Monica: Wow. Pete: There's one thing missing. Monica: What's that? Pete: It's time for me to conquer the physical world. Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself) Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica: You wanna what?! Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states! Monica: What are you talking about? Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed. Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that. Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think? Monica: My parents will be so happy. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's singing, Vince is also there.] Phoebe: (singing) "Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear..." (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show. (They all applaud her.) Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was... Phoebe: Hey! Jason: I was passin' by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it's kinda cool seeing you up there. (kisses her) Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What's going on here? Who is this guy? Phoebe: I don't know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince! Vince: What?! Jason: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I've-I've been dating both of you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause y'know it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn't know how to chose, so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible. Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive. Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break. Phoebe: Really?! Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh. Vince: You haven't? Jason: You have? Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts to walk away) Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept with him?! Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park. Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you. (walks out) Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could've been really awkward. Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park? Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you. Vince: Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out) Closing Credits [Scene: Guru Saj's office: Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru.] Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything's gonna be all right. Okay, Dick? Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj-(sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) That's supposed to be a duck right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league. Joey: Yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it. Is there something you can do? Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat? (The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.)

Afflicted with a mysterious skin condition on his back, Ross seeks advice from Phoebe's herbalist ( Kevin McDonald ). Unable to choose between dating a hunky fireman or a smart kindergarten teacher, Phoebe attempts to date both, though neither is entirely what she believes them to be. Monica thinks Pete wants to break up after he says they "need to talk" when he returns from Atlanta. Monica thinks Pete is going to propose when she finds a receipt from a ring designer. To her initial relief and then shock, Pete had a professional athletic ring built to pursue his dream of being an Ultimate Fighting champion.

fd_True_Blood_02x08

fd_True_Blood_02x08_0

Scene 1: FoS - Sookie, Gabe, Godric, Eric, Jason, Sarah, Steve, Brent, Kyle Sookie, Gabe, Godric and Hugo are in the basement. Sookie is rebuttoning her dress while Godric is taking care of Gabe. Gabe: Godric, it's me! Godric kills the man. Godric [To Sookie]: You should not have come. They both hear screams. Sookie: Bill! Godric: No.[Closing his eyes] I'm here my child. Down here. Eric appears. Eric: Godric. He kneels down. Godric: You were a fool for sending humans after me. Eric: I had no other choice. These savages they... they seek to destroy you. Godric: I'm aware of what they've planned. [Pointing Hugo] This one betrayed you. Sookie: He's with the fellowship. They set a trap for us. Eric: How long has it been since you've fed? Godric: I require very little blood anymore. The alarms start. Godric: Save the human. [To Sookie] Go with him. Eric: I'm not leaving your side until you are... Godric: I can take care of myself. Sookie: Come on! We have to go. Godric: Spill no blood on the way out. Go! Eric and Sookie leave the room. Credits Jason is lying on the ground and notices the red stain on his chest. Jason: I'm alive. He stares at Sarah. Jason: Holy sh1t. God saved me. I'm safe. Sarah Newlin: Oh for Heaven's sake grow a brain cell! [Showing the gun] Paintballs! Jason: What... You crazy bitch! Sarah Newlin: I let you into my house, into my bed and into my heart. All I stood for, all I believed in, I violated to be with you! Jason: Okay. Sarah Newlin: I gave you everything for a lie. You're worse than Judas. Jason: Why, what did he do to you? Sarah Newlin: Ugh. f*ck you! [shoots him again, in the groin] Jason: OOHH OHHH SWEET JESUS. OK, I'm sorry OK? Just, tell me what you want me to say, don't shoot me again... Sarah Newlin: You came to prey on me; to ruin the sacred vow I made to my husband then like a coward you ran! Jason: No, I didn't... Okay, I ran. But it wasn't from you. It was from your husband and his crazy weapon collection. Why'd you have to go and tell him? Sarah Newlin: Tell him? I didn't tell him anything. He's the one who told me! Jason: [standing] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Told you what? Sarah Newlin: There are wolves in our hen house. We must defend our flock. Jason: [confused] What's that got to do with- Sarah Newlin: We have your sister! Jason: Sookie's in the church? Sarah Newlin: She came in yesterday, spouting the same lies you told! Jason: Now you listen to me. She's got nothing to do with this. Sarah Newlin: You Stackhouses... you're nothing but a bunch of heartless, two-faced vampire fuckers! Jason: [grabbing the paint gun and pushing her down] Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! If I find out any of you so much has touched her, I'm gonna come back here...and it won't be with no f*ckin' PAINT GUN! Jason takes the car and leaves. Back to the FoS Church, people are running away. Steve one Loudspeaker: Brothers and sisters, we are on lockdown. Women with children, please take them to our classroom buildings. Men, and able-bodied women, security personnel will provide you with stakes and silver just outside the chapel. Our Soldiers of the Sun are on their way to protect our church, but safely evacuate the building now. Brothers and sisters, the hour is upon us! Eric and Sookie are watching them getting out of the church. Eric: I could have you out in seconds. Sookie: There are kids out there. Eric: All those humans wouldn't think twice about hurting us. Sookie: Why didn't you bring Bill with you? Eric: His attachment to you is irrational. It clouds his judgment. He would kill every child in this church to save you. Sookie: Why aren't you? Eric: I'm following Godric's orders and getting you out, that's all. Sookie: He's your maker isn't he? Eric: Don't use words you don't understand. Sookie: You have a lot of love for him. Eric: Don't use word I don't understand... Eric looks furtively at the entrance door. Kyle: Let's lock it up! Keep quiet! Alright lock it up, nobody comes through here... Eric walks out toward the members of the fellowship. Sookie: Eric, no! He turns back and leans down to Sookie. Eric: Trust me. He walks toward out the entrance door. Kyle: Is it locked? Did you check on... did you... Eric: [Taking a cheerful happy-go-lucky voice] Oh Hey y'all! How's it going? Steve sent me over there to man the exit here. Think I can take it from here. Kyle: By yourself? Eric: Ha... Yeah! Kyle: You're big and all but there's a vampire on the loose. Eric: Oooh... Brent: Where's your stake? Eric: Oh [laughing] Dang! I forgot! Kyle gives Eric a suspicious look. Eric: Maybe I could borrow yours if... if that's okay. Another guy looks at him suspiciously. Brent: I can't do that... Get your own. Eric:[Back to his usual voice] I'd very much like to borrow your stake. Brent: Yeah, yeah that'd be okay I guess. Brent hands Eric the stake while Kyle is about to stake Eric. Sookie: STAKE! Eric turns and punches Kyle and Brent down. As Rich goes to stake him, Eric grabs him by the throat and points the stake to Rich's neck, Sookie rushes over. Sookie: Eric! You don't have to kill him. He lets go of Rich. Eric:[Opening the door] Come on! People are rushing over. Rich: Those arrows are wood. You'll never make it through. Sookie: Eric, through the sanctuary. They enter the sanctuary. Eric: Where's the exit? Sookie: Back that way. Steve: There are several exits, actually. For you, the easiest one takes you straight to hell. Members of the FotS enter the room. Sookie: Let us leave. [To the members] Save yourselves. No one has to die. Steven: The war has begun you evil whore of Satan. You vampires cast the first stone by killing my family. The lines have been drawn. You're either with us, or against us. We are prepared for Armageddon. Sookie: The vampire you're holding prisoner got away. He's a sheriff. He's bound to send for help. Steve: I'm not concerned with Godric. Any vampire would do for our grand celebration, and we got one right here. He points to Eric. Sookie looks at Eric, and he looks her back. Eric: I'll be fine. He walks toward the altar. Steve: Brothers and sisters, there will be a holy bonfire at dawn [laughing]. Scene 2: Hotel Carmilla - Bill, Barry, Lorena, Hoyt, Jessica In Bill's room: Lorena: [Pushing Barry against the door] Look dear, room service sent a gift for us. Barry: No. No I don't do any... Lorena takes Barry by his throat. Lorena: Aaah... Heart's pounding. It's so much tastier. How considered of you. Bill suddenly turns his head. Bill: Sookie! Lorena: [Looking annoyed] That bothersome human. Just like an alarm o'clock you can't switch off. Bla bla bla bla... and ten minutes later bla. [Softly touching Barry's throat] I give you first bite. Bill: I am NOT hungry. Lorena: Oh! Come now. As I recall, you appetite was always... insatiable. This human attitude for your girlfriend is charming and all but we both know better. [Turning to Barry] Don't we? Barry: Please... I don't wanna die. Bill: [Angry] Let him go! Lorena: [Laughing] I will... soon. Barry: No! Lorena gets her fangs out and bites Barry, who's screaming. Bill's looking away. She ends the biting part, looking oddly at Barry's throat. Lorena: This one's different. I've never tasted... [Holding Barry's chin] What are you? [Sound of something being torn] Lorena turns to see Bill throwing a TV in her face. She lands on the floor. Bill smashes her head with the TV and throws it away. He takes Barry with him and they leave the room. In Hoyt and Jessica's room. Hoyt and Jess are still making love. Hoyt: ...okay? Are you okay? I'm not hurting you? Jessica: No... Not anymore... Goodness shut up. Keep going. Bill suddenly enters the room. Jessica screams while Bill is embarrassed and looks away. Hoyt: I... I don't know what you heard but... those were screams of pleasure. [To Jessica] Right? Jessica: [Hiding her face with her hands] Oh my god... Bill: If you truly care for her, you will take her to your car this very moment and drive her back to Bon Temps before the sun comes up. Hoyt: Now? Bill: Now! Bill leaves. Scene 3: Merlotte's - Lafayette, Tara, Eggs Lafayette: [Putting down a tarot card] Lovers... Oh sh1t hooker... Tara: What? Isn't the Lovers good? Lafayette: Not for you. In this position it calls for a sacrifice in matters of the heart. You're going to have to make a choice. Tara: But it might turn out well, right? Lafayette: You wanna see your future? A door is being opened, Lafayette is about to turn the card. Eggs: Tara, help me. The card is the Justice. Lafayette looks at Tara and then at Eggs. Eggs: I need to, talk, to you. Tara: Huh... y-yeah, sure. Lafayette picks up his cards. Lafayette: I'm gonna go and clean a grill or some... [Leaving the table]. Tara: [While Eggs is sitting where Lafayette was a moment ago] Say something, you're freaking me out. Eggs: What time is it? Tara: What... Eggs: What TIME is it? Tara: It's... ten past twelve. We just closed, why? Eggs: Look...It happened again, I've lost the last couple of hours. Tara: Are you sure? Eggs: Yeah. Tara: You don't remember anything? Eggs: I mean, after I left you, I got in my car and, baby, next thing I know I'm over... past Parish Road and I'm over by the lake. And I wake up on the ground. It's freezing cold. And I don't even know how I got there. Tara, what the hell is wrong with me? Tara: It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. Lafayette, you okay to close up? Lafayette: Yeah... yeah y'all go on ahead. Tara: Come on, let's get you home. Tara and Eggs leave the Merlotte's. Scene 4: FotS - Jason, a guy Jason is coming back to the camp. Guy: Hey hey, who are you? Jason: It's okay. I'm with the fellowship. You gotta let me in. Guy: Sorry bro, we're in lockdown. There's a vamper inside. Jason: Yeah. That's why they sent for me. I'm a cadet with the light of day institute. Came strapped. [Pointing his ring] Honesty. Guy: Dude, Honesty. Come on! Jason: Let's move. They enter the church. Guy: Now, we got the vamper surrounded. He's got some having fangbanger chick with him. I'm gonna take you to Steve. Jason: No. I go it. Guy: No he needs you to... hey... Is that a paintball gun? Jason: Uh oh... [Punching the guy with the paintball gun]. Yeah. It is. Scene 5: Merlotte's- Sam, officer, lady on the phone Back to Bon Temps. Sam is sleeping in his car until the ringing of the phone. The phone call comes from the Merlotte's. Sam: Who is this? [The other person hangs up]. Sam opens the door of the Merlotte's. Sam: Hello? He notices the light in the storeroom. He takes a look and finds Daphne lying against the wall, a bloody hole at the place where her heart should be. Sam: Oh! Jesus Christ! He gets out and looks for garbage's bags; he puts it on the bottom of Daphne's body and gets out. He calls for the police. Lady on the phone: Renard Parish sheriff's department. What's your emergency? Right after hearing a voice he sees the blue lights of the police's cars. Officer: Sherrif's department. Anyone in there? Lady on the phone: Is anyone there? This is the sherrif's department. May I help you? [Sam looks around, panicked]. Hello? Scene 6: Sookie's House - Maryann Maryann is singing while cooking. She starts cutting a heart and adds the pieces in the frying pan. Scene 7: FotS - Eric, Steve, Bill, Sookie, Jason, Stan, Godric Eric is groaning in pain, strapped to the altar with silver. Steve: You see? Justice as our Lord our Savior was betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world! Sookie: That doesn't make any sense. How can you people listen to him? Eric: I... I offer myself in exchange for Godric's freedom. And the girl's as well. Steve: That's noble. But she's just as culpable as you are. She's a traitor to her race. The human race. She hardly deserves our mercy. [To Eric] Maybe we should tie her to you so you can meet the sun together. [Walking toward Sookie] Hope this marshmallow will roast up nicely. Everyone turns around when hearing the doors being opened. Bill: Sookie! She smiles while Bill's rushing over. Steve: [Pointing a gun against Sookie] One more step, vampire, and the girl dies. Bill: If you shoot her, everybody here will die! Let her go now. Steve: [To Sookie, annoyed] Honestly, what do they see in you? [To the FotS members] Soldiers, some silver chains for our friend here. Sookie: Don't, he's done nothing to you. Bill: Sookie, I'll be fine. Jason: NEWLIN! He shots Steve's hand, the gun falls down. Jason: Let her go, fuckwad. Jason who shots in Steve's head. (Green shot) Steve: AH... AOUH! Bill rushes and kicks down the guys holding Sookie. Meanwhile Jason is being assaulted by 2 members of the FotS. Steve: Son of a bitch! [Still groaning in pain] Sookie goes to Eric, to help him. Bill: Sookie! She takes off the silver chains. Sookie: Let's go! Eric goes straight away to Steve, takes him by the throat and pushes him down. Sookie: Do not kill him! Jason: KILL HIM! Kill the m*therf*cker! Steve: Go ahead. Murder us. Murder us before God. We are willing to die. All the members look at him, shocked. A bunch of vampires enter the room. Stan: Steve Newlin! You have pushed us too far. You expect us to sit on our thumbs while you round up your men to come lynch us? We'll kill you first. Same way we did your father. Sookie: Oh God no... Steve: [Screaming out of anger] Murderer! Stan: Destroy them. All of them. Stan gets his fangs out and all the vampires zoom through the room ready to kill. Sookie: Bill, Eric stop them! Bill: We have to go now! Godric: Enough! Everyone stops. Godric: [Standing in the hall] You came for me I assume. Underling. Stan: Yes sheriff. Godric: These people have not harmed me. You see ? We can coexist. Mr. Newlin, I do not wish to create bloodshed when none is called for. Help me set an example. If we leave you in peace, will you do the same? Steve: I will not negotiate with subhumans! Kill me. Woman: No! Steve: Do it. Jesus will protect me. Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it. [To the FotS Members] Good people, who of you is willing to die for this man's madness? [The room remains silent] That's what I thought. Stand down, everyone. People, go home. It's over now. Sookie: Oh thank god, Bill. Bill: It's all right, you're safe now. You're safe. Steve: Please don't leave me. Godric: [To Steve] I daresay my faith in humankind is stronger than yours. Come. Stan: Sir. After what these humans have done to you. Has it. Come. Eric: [To Sookie] Are you sure you're okay? Bill: [Angry] She's fine! Go with your maker. Jason: Sookie... Sook... come here [Holding her]. Ah I'm so sorry. Can you please forgive me? Sookie: What were you doing with those people? Are you out of your mind? Jason: Yeah I was. Just [Looking at Steve] that son of a bitch, it's like he sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there. Steve: You know nothing. On the final day of reckoning, we'll see who goes to Heaven, and who goes to Hell. Jason: [Smiling, almost laughing] I reckon I've already been to Heaven. It was inside your wife. [Punches Steve]. Bill goes to Jason. Sookie: Jason, come on! Bill pushes Jason away from Steve. Sookie: Come on! Jason: Take your ring! Honesty my ass, shityhead. White suit motherfu... Go home preaching ... They leave. Scene 8: Merlotte's - Bud, Sam, Kenya, Andy Bud: Come on Sam, we can't tell you that. That's why it's called an anonymous tip. We can't tell you who phoned it in. Sam: They wanted you to find me! Why would I keep a body in my own refrigerator? It... It was a woman's voice? Bud: Sam! Kenya: There's a rumor saying you were having a relationship with the deceased, is that true? Sam: Yeah. Kenya: And you don't seem too beat up about it. Sam: I guess we kind of broke up. Kenya: Were you angry? Bud: That must leave some hurt feelings. Sam: Listen, y'all have to trust me. This is bigger and crazier than you can even imagine. Kenya: I'll say... This is the second time in 2 weeks a woman's been found in your bar with her heart missing. Bud: And the third time a waitresses of yours has ended up dead. Sam: Oh Come on! That was Rene Lenier! You can't use that against me! Come on Bud, Kenya, listen to yourselves. You know me. Bud: I'm not sure we do. You got no birth records, no social security number; we can't even find where you went to High School. Sam: It's hard to explain. Bud: Save it son. Nothing about your past ever checks out. Won't you just tell us what happened tonight? Andy: What the... Oh oh! Hold up, Bud. You don't think it's Sam, do you? Kenya: Let me get him. Bud: Hold on Kenya. [To Andy] You're on suspension. How did you hear about this? Andy: Still got my radio. I'm not here as a cop okay, I'm a witness. You have the wrong guy. Bud: What? Andy: Sam's not the one you want, he's the victim. I saw him nearly get killed last night. Bud: By who? Andy: The bull! Kenya: The what? Bud: Oh, Andy. He thinks he saw some kind of bull. Andy: With claws. A bull... in a dress... with claws [Mimicking the claws]. Bud: Ok Andy. You're babbling again... Kenya: I could shut him up. Andy: And your vic, the victim down there, she's part of this whole group of crazy people who was trying to get him [Pointing Sam]. I tried to fight them all but... [Showing his arm] War wound. I'm corroborating here, Sam. Tell them, help me. Sam: If I told you that's what happened, would you believe me? Kenya and Bud looks at Andy. Andy: Oh, sh1t! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 9: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann Tara: [To Eggs] But you're not the only one. I blacked out last night, Arlene blacked out. Maybe there's some kind of gas leak or something. Eggs: But what about Andy Bellefleur. He... he said he saw all of us. Tara: Andy is the only one we know that is out of his mind. Eggs: Tara, I had this sick feeling I did some real bad. Maryann: Knock knock. Hope I'm not interrupting. Eggs: No, just trying to piece together everything we've been doing in the past couple of days. Maryann: Hum... sounds like somebody's been enjoying himself a bit too much. Tell you what! Why don't ease up on the parties, for a little while? Take it easy. Hey! Snack's ready. They go to the kitchen. Maryann: Ho ho... Hope you're hungry. Tara: Oh my god! That looks amazing, what is it? Maryann: Hunter's soufflé. Eggs: I didn't know hunters make soufflés. Maryann: Most don't. Dig in. Tara digs in the soufflé which "red sauce" is flowing over. Eggs gives Tara a bite. Tara: Wow yeah! What is in that? Is that the rabbit you caught? Maryann: [Smiling] Among other things. Tara licks her hand. Tara: [To Eggs] You have got to try this. Eggs: Hmm. Oh my god. Maryann laughs. Tara and Eggs keep eating. Scene 10: At Godric's Party - Stan, Jason, a woman, Godric, Eric, Bill, Sookie Woman: [To Godric] Thank you sir. Stan: Welcome home sheriff. We are all very relieved. [Godric nods] Jason: I just want to say I'm real sorryfort what the fellowship put you through. Godric: You helped save many lives today, Mr. Stackhouse. Please know you have friends in this area whenever you visit. Jason: Thanks man but I don't know if I'll be wanting to come back any time soon. Jason leaves and meets Eric. Eric: Hail the conquering hero. Jason: Oh no. I'm no hero. Eric: Well you are in this town. But in my area, we know you well as a buyer and user of vampire blood. And that's a very grave offense. Jason: Yeah, listen, I don't do that anymore. Eric: All things considered however, we'll call it even. But you won't be doing it again. Jason: Yes... no, no... got it! Eric: Good boy. Run along. Jason leaves... Eric smiles. Sookie: [To Isabel] Thanks this is great. [To Bill] You've avoided being alone with me all night. Bill: Nonsense. With all this commotion there's hardly been time... Sookie: Bill. I was in that basement for 2 days, you don't even wanna know what almost happened to me down there. Where were you? Bill: Sookie it's... Sookie: "It's complicated" is not an answer. Every time I've need you, you've... always come running even in broad daylight. What kept you? Bill: hum... I was held. Sookie: Held? Like kidnapped? By who? By Eric? Eric: Hmmm heard my name... I hope you were speaking well of me. Sookie: Why should I? You let me walk into a trap. Eric: I regret that. If I had known it was possible... Sookie: You did know. But because it was Godric, you'd risk anything. Eric: The bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than you can imagine. Perhaps one day you'll find out. Bill glares at Eric. Sookie looks at Bill, then Eric, and the last one looks at Bill while smiling. Scene 11: Compton House - Hoyt, Jessica Jessica and Hoyt enter the house, kissing deeply. Hoyt: [Laughing] Wow wow wow... Jessica: [Laughing] What's the matter? What, you don't love me anymore? Hoyt: I just don't think... Bill might not like us doing this stuff in his house. Jessica: He'll never know. Come on, you drove so fast, I know you want to again. Besides, we got two hours before dawn. I can't believe I waited so long. We are gonna do it every single night whether you want to or not. You still want to, don't you? Hoyt: Well, sure, yeah. It's just that Sookie and Bill might come in any minute. Jessica: We got the house to ourselves. I promise. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. Make love to me again. Please. Do me. Now. (They begin to make love) Wait, stop, stop. Hoyt: Sorry. What happened? Jessica: I don't know. It just... I mean, it's felt like... Hoyt: Is that blood again? Jessica: Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no. Hoyt: What, Jessica, what? Jessica: It grew back. Hoyt: It? What? Jessica: My... it f*cking grew back. I should have known. I mean, everything heals when you're a goddamn vampire. Hoyt: Okay, come on. Come on. It's gonna be beautiful. Every time will be like our first time. Jessica: It'll hurt like hell. I'm a f*cking deformity of nature. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. Scene 12: At Godric's party - Godric, Eric, Sookie, Bill, Isabel, Hugo, Jason, Stan Eric (to Bill): I don't like being touched. Bill: Believe me, I do not like touching you. Your contact with Sookie will cease from this moment. Eric: That's hardly your decision. Bill: Calling in my maker because you couldn't win Sookie for yourself is feeble and desperate even for you. Eric: Are you picking a fight? I'd like to see you try. Bill: She will never be yours. And there is nothing you can do. In this you are powerless. Accept it. Isabel comes in with Hugo. She brings him to Godric. Isabel: This is the one who betrayed us. Godric: Hugo. He's your human, is he not? Isabel: Yes, he is. Godric: Do you love him? Isabel: I... I thought I did. Godric: It appears you love him still. Isabel: I do. I'm sorry. But you are my sheriff. Do with him as you please. Godric: You are free to go. Stan: What? Godric: The human is free to go. And do not return. I fear it is not safe for you here. Stan: This is a travesty. Godric: This is my verdict. Eric, escort them out. Make sure he leaves unharmed. Eric: Yes Godric. Isabel: Thank you. Thank you, sheriff. Sookie: What was that about? Bill: Godric is sheriff and he has the authority to... Sookie: I mean, with Eric. Why are you talking to him if he kidnapped you? Bill: It wasn't Eric. Sookie: Then who was it? Jason: Mister Compton. Hey Sook. Is there some place we can talk in private? Sookie: Jason, this really isn't the time... Jason: Look, if I don't say this now, I never will. Look, please, it'll only take a minute. Bill: Let's go out back. Jason: Thanks. Scene 13: In Jail - Bud, Kenya, Sam, Jane, Mike Sam: I know everyone says it but I'm really not the guy you want. Bud: If it's like you said, that there's something out there that's fixing to get you, then jail's just about the safest place to spend the night. Now, come on. Jane: Hey, Sam. Join the party. Sam: What the f...? Jane: I'd come down and give you a hug, but I lost my pants. Kenya: Yeah, it's been a hell of a night. Must be a full moon. Sam: Pretty sure it's not. Mike? What'd they arrest you for? Mike: Sodomy. Sam: What? Mike: Yea, they say I... I sodomized a pine tree. Sam: What'd you do that for? Mike: I don't know. Must have blacked out, but it's true. My pecker's got all kinds of scratches on. Jane: Don't worry, Mikey. It'll heal. Mike: What are you in for? Worse than me? Bud: Leave him alone, Mike. Mike: Sam? Scene 14: Godric's party - Bill, Jason, Eric, Godric Bill: What is it? Jason: I need you to forgive me. Bill: What? Jason: You love my sister, and... there ain't no reason why you shouldn't be able to. All this time, I let my own stupid ignorance stand in the way. Bill: Thank you. But I am also in your debt for helping rescue Sookie. Jason: After all I did to f*ck everything up, that's the least I can do. I'm just sorry it took me so long to wake up to it. Bill: Well, you did. Just in time. Jason hugs Bill. Jason: Well, was that okay for you? Bill: It was fine. In the house: Eric: Hugo's been dispatched. I told him not t stop driving until he reaches the Mexican border. I've arranged for and AB-negative human for you. Extremely rare. Godric: Thank you. I'm not hungry. Eric: You have to feed eventually. I doubt the Fellowship had anything to offer. Why wouldn't you leave when I first came for you? Godric: They didn't treat me badly. You'd be shocked at how ordinary most of them are. Eric: They do nothing but fan the flames of hatred for us. Godric: Let's be honest. We are frightening. After thousands of years, we haven't evolved. We've only grown more brutal, more predatory. I don't see the danger in treating humans as equals. The Fellowship of the Sun arose because we never did so. Eric: Is that why you wouldn't fight when they took you? Godric: I could have killed every last of them within minutes. And what would that have proven? Scene 15: Sookie's house - Tara, Eggs, Maryann Tara: Oh, my God. I inhaled that fucker. You know what? I didn't think it was possible, but this is better than her pie. Eggs: Way better. Maryann listens to them. Tara: I gotta learn how to cook. Eggs: You know, I feel like a superhero. I mean... Tara: You look like one. Eggs: Yeah? How about now? I mean, I feel invincible, you know? Like nobody could even hurt me. Tara: Yeah? I hate you. I f*cking hate your guts. Eggs: You f*cking bitch. I fucjing hate you too. You're not even trying, are you? Tara slaps Eggs. Eggs: More. She slaps him again. Eggs: Is that all you got? I mean... She kicks him. Eggs (he has black eyes): Now, that feels so f*cking good. He slaps her. Tara: Dams, boy. Do it again. He slaps her again. Her eyes are now black like his. Tara: f*ck, I want you so bad. They make love on the floor. Scene 16: At the Party - Sookie, Lorena Someone parks outside and goes through the house. Lorena arrives at the party. She goes through Sookie. Sookie: That's great. Me too. Lorena: Hello, there. I'm Lorena. Sookie: Nice to meet you. I'm Sookie. Lorena: Yes. You are what all the fuss is about. Sookie: Excuse me? Lorena: Aren't you a morsel. Sookie: I'm sorry. Who are you? Lorena: Well, we have a mutual friend. Sookie: Bill? Lorena: That's right. Funny he never mentioned me. I practically made him what he is today. Bill is arriving. Bill: Lorena. Lorena: Oh, hello, darling. I was just getting to know your plaything. You always did like to prey on the innocent. Sookie: Bill, is this your maker? Bill: She released me years ago. She no longer has any hold over me. Lorena: I wouldn't say that. We had two marvelous nights in your hotel room. Sookie: What? Lorena: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52-inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, it's quite a weapon. Sookie (to Bill): You did? Bill (to Lorena): Lorena, you need to leave. Lorena: I hope he doesn't pull the same shenanigans with you. There's no excuse for domestic violence. Bill: What she has failed to mention is that she was holding me prisoner. Lorena: Pshaw. We were just catching up is all. You must have been worried sick, wondering where he was. I admit it. It got a bit heated. But you know how old lovers can get sometimes. Sookie: Do not touch him. Lorena: My, we're feisty too. You're no more than a blood bag. You cannot win this. Sookie: I've already won. Bill chose me. And yet you still won't give up. Don't you have any shame? Bill: Sookie, stop. Lorena: I'd listen to him. Run away, little girl. William and I love each other. Bill: You've gone mad. Now get out now. Sookie: Maybe you do love him. Who am I to guess? But he doesn't love you. He never has, and that we both know. Lorena: Take those words back or they shall be your last. Bill: We're leaving! Sookie: Go find someone else, you f*cking bitch! You've lost this one! Lorena is about to bite Sookie when Godric stops her. Godric: Retract... your... fangs. Now. I neither know nor care who you are. But in this area and certainly in this nest, I am the authority. Do you understand? Lorena: Yes, sheriff. Godric: This human has proven herself to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind. And yet you treat her like a child does a dragonfly, pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us. Lorena: She provoked me. Godric: And you provoked me. You disrupted the peace in my own home. I could snap you like a twig. Yet I haven't. Now, why is that? Lorena: It's... your choice. Godric: Indeed it is. You're an old vampire. I can tell. You've had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you haven't. you are still a savage, and I fear for all of us, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists. (To Bill) You. You seem to know her. Bill: Yes, sheriff. Godric: Escort her from the nest. Sookie: Go ahead, I'm fine. I wish you out of my area before dawn. Bill and Lorena are outside. Lorena crying: I don't know how it got this way. I can't help it that I still love you. You know I do. But now it's become nothing but a constant humiliation. Bill: The pain that you suffer you've inflicted upon yourself. Lorena: When will we see each other again? Bill: Never. Lorena: We're immortal. Our paths are bound to cross eventually. Back inside: A vampire (to Stan): I have him by the neck, shaking... Jason (to a girl): But... and funny you say that because... The man arrives at the party; it's Luke. Jason: Luke? What the f*ck, man? Jason goes through Luke. Luke: Stay away from me, Stackhouse. Got nothing to say to you. Jason: What the hell you doing? Luke: Just go. (He speaks loud) Excuse me, everyone. If I could have your attention. My name is Luke McDonald. I'm a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. And I have a message for you all from Reverend Steve Newlin. He opens his jacket; there's a bomb and chains around him. He presses on the button.

Under Godric's orders, Eric and Sookie struggle to leave the Fellowship compound without bloodshed, but they are surrounded by Steve Newlin and his followers. In the woods, Sarah (who has been using a paintball gun) confronts Jason and accuses him of betraying her intentionally, revealing that Sookie is a prisoner of the church. At the Carmilla hotel, Bill escapes from Lorena and orders the amorous Jessica and Hoyt back to Bon Temps. Jason overpowers Sarah Newlin, and along with Bill, he creates a stalemate with Newlin's mob. The mob is overwhelmed by Stan and the Dallas vampires, but Godric appears and orders a peaceful end to the conflict. Meanwhile in Bon Temps, Sam Merlotte is lured to his bar to find Daphne murdered. The police arrive and jail him with Maryann's revelers despite Andy Bellefleur's outlandish corroboration. At Sookie's house, Maryann feeds Tara and Eggs a meal made from Daphne's heart, which drives the couple into a violent and sexual frenzy. After they arrive at the Compton manor Jessica and Hoyt's lovemaking is interrupted by the realization that Jessica's hymen has regenerated to its virginal state. At Godric's Dallas nest, the vampires and Stackhouses recover from the conflict with the Fellowship of the Sun. Godric shares his nonviolent ideals with Eric and banishes Hugo out of mercy. Lorena stirs trouble between Sookie and Bill. She is then banished by Godric. Bill tells her that they will never see each other again, but she believes that she will see him because of their immortality. A mysterious intruder is revealed to be Luke, who has a suicide bomb wrapped in silver chains and bullets. He pushes the detonator.

fd_The_O.C._04x14

fd_The_O.C._04x14_0

72 HOURS EARLIER At the shopping center Summer: I'm not buying you lingerie for your birthday. That's just weird. Taylor: Okay, that's fine. I told you, you don't have to buy me anything. You and Ryan are throwing me a birthday party and that's enough. Summer: Look, I know you've never had a birthday party before, let alone been to one, but usually people get presents for their birthday, so will you please tell me what you want? Taylor: Okay, honestly, I want Ryan to ask me to go to Berkeley with him next year. Summer: Okay, I was thinking more along the lines of a cute top. Taylor: I know, I know, it's just, I'm a planner, and I've already seeing that day six months in the future when we all go our separate ways. And I just know that if Ryan goes to Berkeley and I go to... Harvard or Princeton or Oxford, then it's over. Summer: Don't you have to apply to Berkeley first in order to... You already applied to Berkeley? Does Ryan know this? Taylor: No.I applied before we even started dating. I just got back from France and I figured, well, I had to go somewhere, so I reapplied to Princeton, Oxford,Yale, Harvard and the Sorbonne, and I figured why not throw Berkeley in? Summer: Um, hi. Can we get two coffees, please? Man: Uh, yeah. Summer: Okay. So you want to get Ryan to tell you that he wants you to go to Berkeley, without knowing that you already got in to Berkeley? Taylor: Exactly. Summer: And how're you going to do that? Taylor: Easy.I just need to get him to tell me that he loves me. Summer: Mm-hmm, Ryan talking about his feelings. Now that would be an earth-shattering event. Man: Careful, they're hot. Summer: Thank you. Taylor: Thanks. Summer: Did you see this about earthquake weather? You know, it's exactly this kind of voodoo science that lets politicians deny global warming. Taylor: Oh, my God, I know. And how many times have they predicted the big one, and it never happens. It almost makes you wish that it would. Generic Cohen's garden Ryan: Good morning. What's the occasion? Taylor: Just you're being so sweet throwing me a birthday party, and I wanted to thank you, so... Oh, my gosh, did I ever tell you about... Ryan: How you've never had a birthday party and you've always spent every birthday alone in your room watching Sixteen Candles and talking to a gypsy on the psychic hot line? Taylor: Yeah, I know, I'm a broken record. Just, you know, it really means a lot to me that you're doing this for me. Ryan: Well, Taylor, I'll tell you, planning your birthday party is not easy. I expect something in return. Taylor: Oh. Ryan: I expect to have my way with you. Taylor: Ryan! Ryan: Well, all that time and energy. Clowns, balloons, a magician... Taylor: Oh, oh, well, if there's a magician. It's kind of strange to think about all of this ending isn't it? Ryan: Hmm? Taylor: You, going off to Berkeley, me, whichever way the wind blows. Ryan: Well, it's still six months away. Taylor: Right, yeah. If only I had a crystal ball, huh? Maybe I should call Esmerelda from the psychic hot line. Ryan: This a really good croissant. Taylor: Don't you have the feeling that we're on the cusp of something and we just need to leap into the void? Ryan: Did you get these at Joe's? Taylor: Ryan, don't you have that feeling? Ryan: What? Taylor: That life is telling us to take a wild, impulsive jump into the unknown? Ryan: Not really. Taylor: So, you're good? You don't have a need to just let something explode out of you, consequences be damned? Ryan: What are we talking about? Taylor: Well, I was... I guess it's just my birthday and I'm getting sentimental. Ryan: All right, well, don't worry. It's going to be great. Okay? All right, I've got to go. Thanks for this. Hey, tonight, you want to do something? See a movie? Taylor: Yeah, sure, okay. Ryan: All right, great. At Roberts' Kaitlin: Oh, my God. Julie: Oh, hi, honey. Sorry, I didn't hear you coming down. Kaitlin: Mom, do you mind? Because I still have to eat in here. Julie: What can I get you? Kaitlin: You want some scrambled eggs or I could whip up some pancakes. Frank: You cook, too? That's amazing. Julie: It's just a talent I have. Frank: Yeah, one of many. Kaitlin: I'm seriously never going to stop barfing. Julie: Kaitlin, don't be gross. Kaitlin: Me? Gross? What's gross is Frank's dirty... germy convict bag is sitting on the counter. I mean, what, did the warden give that to you as a going-away present? Julie: Kaitlin... Frank: It's okay. It's okay. It shouldn't be on the counter. Though I actually got it at REI. Kaitlin: Well, why bother with a bag? You can just move in. You spend enough time here anyway. Julie: Young lady, apologize. Kaitlin: I'm sorry, Frank. Feel free to have as many conjugal visits as you'd like. Frank: You know, I... I should get going. I've got a job interview. Julie: I'll walk you out. Frank: Okay. Julie: And we'll talk later. At the gym Holly: Mrs. Cohen? Holly. I went to Harbor with Seth. Kirsten: Oh, hi. Holly: Hi, are you here for prenatal yoga? Kirsten: Oh, yes, I am. And you? Holly: Yes. I just found out. How far along are you? Kirsten: Oh, not-not very. I just found out, too. Holly: Well, this class is great. I told Missy, the instructor, I have worked way too hard for this body to just let it turn into some dumpy baby factory. I mean, who says I can't have a baby and a six pack? Kirsten: I should probably stretch before class. Holly: Well, hold on just a second. Hey, hos, come here. This is Mrs. Cohen. She just found out she's pregnant. Girl: Oh, my gosh! Other girl: Congratulations. And you're not even showing. Holly: So... should we let her in? Girl: Oh, yeah. Other girl: Totally. She's ripped. Holly: We formed a club. Promised ourselves we wouldn't turn out like Molly the Mammoth over there. Girl: In nine months I'm wearing my bikini. I don't care what anyone says. Other girl: And I told Jerry if I get too big, I'm inducing at eight months. It's much easier to lose the weight. Holly: So do you want in? We call ourselves the Six-Pack Pack. Isn't that like so cute? Don't you just want to barf? Kirsten: All the time. At Ryan's workplace Ryan: Summer, what's up? Summer: Hey. I am just picking up Seth. Taking him to an art exhibition, sponsored by GEORGE, the Global Environmental Organization regarding Greenhouse Emissions. Ryan: Seth's going to an art show. Summer: Well, yeah, I mean, he's going to art school, and I like the environment,so I thought it was the perfect date. Ryan: Sure. Summer: So are you ready for Taylor's party? Ryan: Oh, yeah, party's all set. Even got her a present. Summer: Really. Mind telling me what it is? Ryan: Well, you know, she likes translating those French love poems? I collected a few. Had them bound for her. Summer: Atwood, that is so romantic. You know, nothing is as romantic as the first time you tell someone you love them,though, huh? Ryan: I, uh... haven't told Taylor I love her. Summer: You haven't? Ryan: Has she said something? Summer: No. No, I-I just assumed. You guys have been together for a while and you seem pretty happy. I thought,"Why wouldn't you have said I love you?" I have an idea. Why don't you? Ryan: What? Summer: For her birthday. You should, because... the book of poems is awesome, but add that special little "I love you. As as girl,I don't know, me personally, I got chills. Ryan: Does Taylor expect me to tell her that I love her on her birthday? Summer: What? No. I don't know. I've got to go. At the shopping center Kaitlin: I can't stay, okay? Frank: Well, thanks for meeting me. Kaitlin: I wanted to talk to you alone. You're not going to do anything pervy are you? Frank: Kaitlin... I care about your mom. And considering my past, I understand why you're suspicious. Kaitlin: Look, I really don't care that you went to prison, all right? I mean, the Bullet went to prison and he was awesome. You're just boring. Frank: I'm sorry, but it's just the way it is. Well, I have to say I don't think that's fair. You hardly know me. Kaitlin: Then say something funny. Frank: What? Kaitlin: Make me laugh. Frank: Fine. I don't know what interests a 15-year-old girl, but your mother doesn't think I'm boring. Kaitlin: Well, that's because you're sleeping with her. Frank: Can you not say that kind of thing? Kaitlin: Well, what do you want me to say? I mean, is it true in prison on your first day, you got to make someone your bitch? Or what about the whole dropping the soap thing? I mean, really,why don't you guys just install soap dispensers? Frank: Hey, I make your mom happy. I'm just asking for a chance here, Kaitlin. Kaitlin: Of course. If it makes my mom happy. At Roberts' Julie: Oh, my God. Oh... my God. Art's exposition Summer: It's so beautiful. Just forget how the ocean ties us all together. You know, he's so right. If we aren't good custodians for our planet, what right do we have to be here? Don't you think that was amazing? Seth: Mm-hmm. I give it a three. Summer: A three? He put a radio transmitter in a piece of trash, threw it into the ocean, followed it around for six years just to show how pollution travels. And you're giving it a three? Seth: I'm gonna give it a three-and-a-half, then. Summer: What about the part where he followed it through the oil fires in the Persian Gulf, and he got third-degree burns on his arms? Seth: I know, but the camera work was terrible, and what kind of film stock was he using? The oranges and reds totally bled together. Summer: He was just making a point to show the health of our planet. Seth: Yeah, but he's also making a movie,and as a movie, it sucks. Summer: Well, what about that one? Where the turtle adopted the hippo who was lost in the tsunami? Seth: Mm-hmm. That's pretty much the nature film equivalent of a chick flick. Summer: Okay. What about that? Where the family giraffes habitat was destroyed. Seth: Yeah, shot like a perfume ad. Summer: God, what is your problem,Seth? I just want you to get excited about something. Seth: I am, about things that are good. But I could do one of these doughnuts with both hands tied behind my back. Summer: Really?Prove it. Seth: What? Summer: Make a movie. Seth: Are you serious? Summer: Yeah. I want see you do it better. I want to go watch the penguins again, and don't you dare say anything. At Sandy's office Sandy: Hey, I didn't know you were coming by. I was just at Spitzy's office. You should have called. Is everything all right? Kirsten: The people in Newport are awful. Sandy: Honey, you're a little late to the party. I've been saying that for 20 years. Kirsten: Has it gotten worse? I mean, I know Julie and some of the othersare bad, but... Sandy: What happened? Kirsten: I was at this prenatal yoga class and these young women they're monsters. They wanted me to join the six-pack pack. Sandy: The what? Kirsten: And then they talk about inducing labor at eight months so that they don't have to gain weight. Can we raise another child around this? Sandy: Oh, honey, Newport's always had that element, and still we managed to have life. And not everybody's like that. You know what? Spitz has been wanting us to meet his wife. How about we do dinner tomorrow? Restore your faith in humanity. Kirsten: All right. Sandy: But more importantly, do you think they'll let me join the six-pack pack? I've been doing my sit-ups. Come on, hit me with your best shot. Go ahead, come on, wind up. I'm not a beast! At Cohen's Taylor: Oh, God, he really loves her. And she is never going to know how he feels, because he can't tell her. Isn't that tragic? Ryan: Yep. Taylor: I mean, how could you do that? How could you just let the love of your life slip away because you were too afraid to tell them how you really felt? Ryan: Well, maybe she's better off. Taylor: Uh-huh. Did you get that from the scene where she was about to be burned at the stake? Ryan: No, she's a beautiful woman, he's a hunchback who lives in a bell tower. The chances of it working out... Taylor: Yeah, but he doesn't know that. If he at least told her how he felt, then maybe there would be a way to work things out. You know, they could have a life together. Or you know, at least four more years. Why did you save me? Ryan: But the archbishop... Taylor: Ryan, I'm not talking about the movie. It's... There's just moments in everyone's life, and if you just let them slip away, then... then they're gone forever. And that's the tragic thing about life. Don't you feel that way? Ryan: Taylor.I...missed the last part of the movie Would you mind rewinding it a little? Taylor: Sure. Ryan: Thanks. Taylor: Lonely, huh? Better get used to it, buddy. At Roberts' Summer: Good morning. Taylor: If you say so. Summer: What's that? Taylor: This is the obituary for mine and Ryan's relationship. A rose, plucked before its time. Summer: Uh-huh, English? Taylor: I wrote a letter to the Dean of Berkeley, telling him that I must respectfully decline the scholarship, and he should offer it to the next candidate. Summer: So you're saying no? What happened with Ryan? Taylor: I tried, Summer, I really did. The moment was upon us. We were staring into each other's eyes,and... And he just didn't say it. You know, sometimes I just want to grab him and tie him to a chair and shoot him full of sodium pentathol and see what spills out. Summer: Why don't you? Taylor: You don't think it's too crazy? Because I was thinking if the two of us just tackled him and then we could tie him down... Summer: I wasn't talking literally. Taylor: Oh. Summer: Do you love him? Taylor: Yeah, I really do. Summer: Do you think he loves you? Taylor: Well, sometimes he grabs my handand he squeezes it for no reason. I mean, what else could that mean? Summer: Okay. So we just need to loosen his tongue a little. Taylor: But how are we going to... Summer Roberts, you bad thing. Summer: Okay, you know what, a trip to the Robert's wine cellar is in order. At Cohen's Sandy: What the hell is he doing? Ryan: Morning. Sandy: Morning. Hey, are y all right? Ryan: Yeah, it's just a cramp. Sandy: How far did you go? Ryan: Mm, nine, ten miles. Sandy: Oh. Wouldn't it be easier if you just said,"Sandy, there's something bothering me. Can you give me some advice?" Ryan: Yes, it would,but where's the fun in that? Sandy: Let me guess. You're trying to decide if you love Taylor so you can tell her on her birthday. Ryan: Huh? Sandy: You've been dating for a while, things are good, birthday's tomorrow. Bingo. Ryan: Yeah. You're good. Sandy: So? Do you love her? Ryan: Uh, honestly I'm scared. Sandy: Good, you should be. Ryan: That's reassuring. Sandy: Well, it might be the most powerful thing you can say to another person. It changes everything. Now for heaven's sake, if you don't feel it,don't say it. Ryan: Yeah, it's just I think she's expecting it. Sandy: And to not say it... It's like saying you don't love her. Ryan: Exactly. Sandy: Well, do you care about her? Ryan: Of course. Sandy: Do you enjoy being with her? Ryan: More than with anyone. Sandy: Tell her that. It won't be exactly what she wants to hear,but it'll be honest. Ryan: All right. Sandy: Can you tell me something? Ryan: Sure. Sandy: Do you have any idea why Seth is filming the pool? [SCENE_BREAK] Seh: Hey, check it out, man. Summer challenged me to make this pretentious art film, so I'm making one called Six Hours In The Pool. Ryan: Sounds great. Seth: Yeah, I'll tell you about it later. Uh, Taylor called. She wants you to go over there for dinner. Ryan: Oh, okay. Seth: Yeah. Okay. Ah, it's perfect. At Roberts' Julie: Look, Frank, I get that men have urges, and I imagine prison is one of those places where those urges get twisted, but... Frank: Julie... Julie: I've never even heard of clown p0rn. I mean that photo where they're all stuffed into the little car... Frank: It's not mine. Julie: Oh, really? It was just in your bag, along with... this? I mean, which one of us is supposed to wear this? Frank: Julie, none of this is mine. Julie: So someone just went into your bag, planted a wig and some really bad clown p0rn. Who would...? Oh... Kaitlin. Frank: Julie, it's all right. Julie: No, Frank, it's not. My daughter is trying to sabotage this relationship. And where would she get her hands on clown p0rn? Frank: She's just hazing me, you know? It'll be good for me to show her that I can take it. It'll blow over. It's not serious. Julie: Did you see p.50? At Cohen's Summer: How much more of this is there? Seth: Five hours and 58 minutes. What are you doing? Summer: I'm not going to sit here and watch six hours of the pool. I told you to become engaged in something. Instead, you just set up a tripod. Seth: It's a satire. It's a comment on the lack of artistic rigor... Summer: No, it's you being lazy. How many naps did you take while you made this? Seth: I took two to res... Do you feel like you're overreacting a little bit? I mean, what does it really matter? Summer: That's the problem, Seth. You did this because you chose the path of least resistance. You know, you could have made a movie about anything in your life, and instead you chose this. Seth: So what am I supposed to do? Follow Ryan around with a camera until he punches someone? Summer: Yes, anything that engages you in the world. Seth: What is the point? Summer: Well, if nothing else,it's important to me. Yatch club Sandy: Thanks. Mr. Spitz. Jason: How are you? Kirsten, how's it going? Kirsten: Hello, Jason. Jason: Listen, you guys, I want you to meet my wife, com. Carrie: No way, really? Well, then what did she say? Jason: Honey, honey. Carrie: Oh, my God. What a complete ho-bag. Jason: Honey. Carrie: I got to go. Call me back. Love you, bitch. Hi. I am so sorry. Jason: Kirsten and Sandy Cohen, this is Carrie, my wife. Carrie: So nice to meet you. Sandy: You, too. Carrie: That was my girlfriend. She's having trouble dating this guy, and the guy's wife is all like, uh, "I'll kill you." Sandy: Wow, I imagine that could be a little hard to handle. Carrie: Oh, whatever. Not my problem. Kirsten: So, Carrie, you're from Newport? Carrie: Oh, yeah, born and bred. Kirsten: Really. Interesting. Carrie: Oh, now, Sandy, let's get to it. How can we convince Jason here to get out of that soup kitchen he calls an office and get a real job? At Roberts' Ryan: Oh, thanks, that's good. Taylor: For luck. Ryan: Uh, actually, I'm not that big a wine drinker. Taylor: I know, you can't have coq au vin without the vin. Ryan: Well, that's true. Taylor: Okay. Ryan: You know, I feel kind of bad, you making dinner the day before your birthday. Taylor: No, it's my pleasure. Absolutely. Oh, sorry. Ryan: It's okay. Taylor: I'm nervous 'cause I've never cooked for you before. Okay, cheers. Ryan: Oh, yeah. Taylor: Whoo, bottoms up. Mmm. Tasty. Ryan: So, uh...Oh, that's... So, Taylor, there's something I want to talk to you about. Taylor: No, let's save all the serious conversation for after dinner. We don't want it to get cold. Ryan: Okay. Taylor: Hmm, I think I need another sip. Wow, do you detect a hint of blackberries? Ryan: Mm, no, I don't. Taylor: Try it. It's fun, come on. Ryan: Uh... Okay. Mm. Nope, no blackberries. Taylor: I think you need to take a bigger sip. Yatch club Sandy: You still go to your sorority rush? Carroie: Sandy, sisterhood doesn't just end with graduation. A Tri-Delt once, a Tri-Delt forever. Oh, but last year,I got so sick. Totally embarrassing. Kirsten: I can only imagine. Carrie: And I thought,"Carrie, what gives?" Can't you hold your liquor anymore? Ugh! And then I realized it was just morning sickness. Was that a relief. Sandy: You know, I'm afraid it's getting a little late for us. Carrie: Oh, no, no,no, no. You are not running away. This great bar just opened up on Ocean. When was the last time you two did tequila poppers? Sandy: Maybe another time. Carrie: Oh, tell me you're not bailing because you're pregnant. I mean, no offense, but that is lame. Jason: Carrie, no. Carrie: What?It's lame. Kirsten: Actually, I'm an alcoholic. Carrie: Oh, God. Me, too. Hey, after you have that thing, we should totally go out. You know, without the two dish rags. Oh, God! Can you just take that thing outside? Oh, don't freak. I'm not a psycho.It's our baby. Jason: When we go out with the baby, Carrie likes to have the nurse sit nearby,a few tables away. Kirsten: Oh, you know,Sandy, I'm-I'm, uh, suddenly... I'm, I'm not feeling well. Sandy: I'd better get you home. Thank you both for an unforgettable evening. Jason, I'll talk to you Monday. Jason: Yeah. Well,good night,and... Carrie: Hey, Kirsten,uh, remember,you can call me for baby advice anytime. Kirsten: Sure. Carrie: Losers. [SCENE_BREAK] At Roberts' Taylor: I don't understand how you're not drunk. Ryan: Oh, it's the Atwood genes. We're built to withstand massive quantities of alcohol. Taylor: Ooh. Here we go. Here's the bed. Okay, all right. Now we're just gonna... Whoa. That's good. Taylor: But if I can't get you drunk, you'll never tell me you love me. Ryan: Oh, Taylor. Taylor: I know, I know. Bad Taylor. I shouldn't have tried to get you drunk. Just like I shouldn't have pretended to be your sleep therapist, or rented Roger the homosexual, or stalked you wearing a Groundhog costume, or... What else did I do? Ryan: I-I think that's it. Taylor: I'm going to go to sleep now. Oh. Good-bye, Ryan. It was nice. Ryan: Taylor. Taylor? Are you pretending to go to sleep, thinking I'll tell you I love you while you're unconscious? Taylor: Maybe. Don't laugh at me. Ryan: I'm not. Taylor: It's hard dating someone who doesn't tell you how they feel and always having to interpret hand squeezes and... Ryan: I love you. Taylor: What? Ryan: I love you. Taylor: You do? Ryan: Uh, yeah. Taylor: I can't believe you just said it. Ryan: Neither can I. Taylor: Oh, I love you, too. Ryan: Oh, good. Taylor: Yay!Yay! Now we can go to Berkeley together. Ryan: What? Taylor: Yeah.Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got into Berkeley. I applied, and I got this letter, and put it on my desk and... At Cohen's Seth: Ryan Atwood. His face betrays no emotion, but what passions lurk behind those eyes? Answering that is the purpose of this film. Come with me, my friends. Ryan: I thought the movie was about the pool. Seth: Summer didn't really take to six hours of the pool. She wanted me to make a movie in which I engage with people. What is Ryan Atwood wrapping so intently? Taylor's birthday present. Ah, Taylor Townsend, the fast-talking Eve Harrington who melted Ryan Atwood's heart. Tell us, Ryan,how does it feel to have Dean Hess's sloppy seconds? Or what did you get her? Either one. Ryan: Um... well, uh, one of her hobbies is translating French love poems, so I had them bound for her. Seth: Wow. That is really romantic. Ryan: Well, it's, it's not that romantic. Seth: Are you kidding? You may as well tell her you love her. Ryan: It's, uh, it's actually a little late for that. Seth: What? Ryan: Yeah. At Roberts' Summer: And then what happened? Taylor: Well, we finished dinner and he still wasn't drunk, so I suggested a drinking game. I called it "Drink." Whenever I said "drink," we drank. Summer: Simple but effective. Taylor: Yeah, a little too effective. I ended up on the coffee table singing "Part of Your World" and telling him he was my Prince Eric. Summer: Uh, did he say it? Taylor: Yes. Summer: He did?! Taylor: Yeah! Summer: Oh, my God, that's amazing. Ow. Ryan told you he loved you. Taylor: I know. I mean, I think he said it. At Cohen's Ryan: Yeah, this feeling just kind of came over me and... I couldn't stop myself. Seth: So why the long face? You regretting it? Ryan: Well... it turns out she applied to Berkeley without telling me, and now... Seth: Your spur-of-the-moment "I love you" issuddenly committing you to four more years. The plot thickens. Ryan: I'm not saying it'd be bad. It just seems like all of a sudden we're going mach five. Seth: You'd like to turn down the heat a little. At Roberts' Taylor: He definitely said it. Summer: Absolutely. Taylor: I think. Summer: Well, don't you think you'd remember? Taylor: I don't know; it hurts. Summer, what am I going to do? I can't just ask him, by the way, did you tell me you loved me last night? Because I was too plastered to remember. Summer: Right. Okay. Today's your birthday right? And I happen to know that he got you a crazy, romantic present. So when you open it tonight, why don't you just be like "Oh, my gosh, Ryan, I love you," and if he said it last night, he'll say it again. Taylor: You're a genius. Summer: Yes, I am; it's all up here. It's just there might be one other tiny little thing. At Cohen's Seth: I'm not saying take it back, but today's her birthday, right? So she's going to be interpreting every little thing. So maybe you send her a message. For instance, that sends the message "You're the only girl in the world for me. Let's move to a co-op in Berkeley." Is that what you want to say? We go off Ryan Atwood. What will he do? How will this situation resolve itself? At Roberts' Summer: You said something about Berkeley? Taylor: I'm not sure. Maybe I was just talking about him going to Berkeley. That would make sense, right? Julie: Morning, girls. Happy birthday, Taylor. Taylor: Thanks, Julie. Julie: Oh, I gave the mailman that letter from the counter. Taylor: What letter? The letter to Berkeley? Julie: Yeah, I think so. Taylor: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Taylor: Uh-uh! Mister! Mail carrier, sir. Excuse me, please. Um, could you wait? Hi. I'm sorry. Um, a woman in that house where I live just gave you a letter that she shouldn't have,and, uh, I kind of need it back. Man: Ma'am, once the letter goes in the pouch, it's the property of the Federal government. Taylor: Okay, and I totally understand that, but if you take that letter, I am going to lose my place at Berkeley and the chance to be with the man I love and who I think loves me, and, and 15 years from now, when he is trapped in a loveless marriage and I have become a cold, hard ice queen for whom love is no more than a distant memory, it will come down to the fact that on this morning, which coincidentally happens to be my birthday, you obeyed the letter of the law at the expense of simple, human charity. Man: Wow, that was amazing. Taylor: Can I have my letter now? Man: Yeah, sure. At Cohen's Frank: Hey. Ryan: I didn't know you were a runner. Frank: Yeah,it helps me to work stuff out You should try it. Ryan: Maybe I will. Everything okay? Frank: Yeah. No, I was just,uh, nearby. I figured I'd stop in and say hello, ask your advice on winning over a 15-year-old Newport girl. Ryan: Kaitlin giving you trouble? Frank: Well, things with Julie are great, and I-I'm so grateful to you and Taylor,but Caitlin, she just... I don't know,she just seems to want to shut me out. And I know that you have some experience with the Cooper women, so... Ryan: Well, a Porsche would probably do the trick. Frank: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's not really in my budget. Ryan: Well, Kaitlin's had a tough year. You know. Once she sees that her mom's happy, she'll come around. Just be patient. Frank: Ah... suddenly a Porsche sounds like a bargain. Ryan: Right. Uh, look,I, I got to get going, help set up Taylor's party. Frank: Oh, sure. Is that, is that her present? Ryan: Oh, yeah, it's, uh... she translated these French love poems so I had them bound in leatherfor her. Frank: Oh, my son the romantic. Ryan: Yeah. Frank: So I'll, uh, see you tonight. Ryan: Yeah. It's not that romantic. At the shopping center Summer: Taylor, it's going to be fine. Ryan's going to give you a really romantic present, tell you he loves you, and you guys are going to wind up going to Berkeley together. Don't worry. Taylor: Okay, yeah, I know. Do you think I should act surprised when I go to the party? Summer: But it's not a surprise party. Taylor: Well, I know, but it might make Ryan feel good. Summer: Okay, it's a great idea. Taylor: Ah! [SCENE_BREAK] Everyone: Happy birthday! Happy birthday.Happy birthday. Taylor: Oh, my God, what a surprise. Sandy: Oh, I didn't know it was a surprise party. Summer: Just go with it, okay? It's Taylor. Ryan: Happy birthday. Taylor: This is a-amazing. Ryan: Yeah, well, you deserve it. You got a lot of birthdays to catch up on. Taylor: Is everything okay? Ryan: Yeah, absolutely. Let me get you a drink. Taylor: Okay. Julie: Happy birthday. Taylor: Thank you. Kaitlin: Happy birthday. [SCENE_BREAK] Sandy: We can move. I mean it. Ryan and Seth will be gone in six months. We could put the house on the market, throw a dart at the map. Maybe it's time. Kirsten: But this is our home. Sandy: So? We'll make some place new our home. You know? We'll still have our memories. Kirsten: But when Ryan and Seth come home for the holidays, I want them to come home to that house. Sandy: It was an idea. Kirsten: Well, thanks, Sandy. I just don't think I can. [SCENE_BREAK] Taylor: Oh, my God. It's a replica of the green destiny sword from Crouching Tiger. Oh, my God, thank you so much Seth. Seth: Glad you like it. Taylor: It's so neat. Summer: Open Ryan's present. Taylor: Okay. Where is it? Ryan: Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. Kirsten: Ryan's embarrassed. Ryan: No, it's just, it's um, personal. Sandy: Well, I hope so. Taylor: Oh, my God. It's a... It's a dictionary? Kirsten: That is practical. Ryan: Yeah, the guy said that it, um, had more words than others. Sandy: Well, that's good, being as it is a dictionary. Seth: It's red-- that's a cool color. [SCENE_BREAK] Summer: I still love him, you know? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this. Kirsten: No, I understand. I worry about him a lot. Summer: You know, I know making this movie just seems so stupid, but I just wanted him to get excited about something, you know? Anything. Kirsten: Just give him a chance. Seth will find his way. Summer: I hope so. He just seems a little lost. [SCENE_BREAK] Kaitlin: Those are mine. Julie: What do you think you're doing? Kaitlin: What? The guy likes clown p0rn. I think everyone should know. Julie: Do you have any idea how humiliated Frank would be if he saw, or if Ryan saw it? It's his father, Kaitlin. Kaitlin: Whatever. Julie: Do not walk away from me. I've tried to be understanding. I'm sorry if Frank isn't as hilarious as Bullit was. Kaitlin: It's not even about that. Julie: Then what is it? Is it the money? Kaitlin: Mom, look at us. In the past year we've lost Dad, we've lost Marissa, we had Dr. Roberts and we lost him. And then we got the Bullit, lost him. What makes you think that this guy is going to stick around any longer? Julie: Kaitlin, am I crazy, or did you say that it was okay for me to date Frank? Kaitlin: Yes, to date him. But it's been a week and he's practically living in our house. Like he's family. He is not family You and I are. I mean, why can't we just act like that for a little while? Frank: Hey. They're about to bring out the cake. Everything okay? Julie: Yes, everything's fine. Kaitlin, why don't you go back inside. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Taylor. Taylor, I'm sorry. Taylor: I'm not crazy, right? Last night, you did tell me you loved me. Ryan: Yeah, I did. Taylor: Okay, then what? Are you trying to send me a message? Do you wish you hadn't said it? Ryan: No. Last night when I told you... You mentioned going to Berkeley. Taylor: God, I knew it. Ryan, yes, I applied to Berkeley months ago. Before you and I ever started dating. Ryan: Oh. Taylor: And then, this, you and I happened, and I thought, I don't know, maybe. And I guess I should have told you, but I really needed to know exactly how you felt first. Ryan: I just think our planning to go to college together, it's a big decision. Taylor: Would you have said you loved me if you'd known I'd gotten in to Berkeley? Great. Wow, okay. I'm just going to go. Ryan: Taylor. [SCENE_BREAK] Summer: She's coming. Come on. This is where you blow out the candles and make a wish. Taylor: I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Sandy: Don't worry. Kirsten and I will square up things here. Ryan: All right, great. Thanks. And I gave Seth the car to help carry the presents. Sandy: So where you going now? Ryan: Uh, I don't know. I'll see you later. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Hey. You okay? Kaitlin: Yeah. Sure. But by the looks of it, you and I aren't going to be brother and sister any time soon. Ryan: Oh, no. What happened? Kaitlin: Honestly? It was me. I mean, look, Ryan, I have absolutely nothing against your dad. It's just I really didn't want to rush into an insta-family again. I mean, how long would this one last? Like a month? Ryan: Well, you never know. I, uh, moved in with the Cohens and I gave it a week. Here I am. Kaitlin: I just wish there was a way you could tell if it was all going to work out. Ryan: Yeah, but there isn't. But I promise you, I will always be your brother, in a completely, non-creepy way. Julie: Kaitlin, honey, could I talk to you? Kaitlin: Yeah. Wait, Ryan, as your sister, if you don't tell Taylor that you love her, you're an idiot. Ryan: Oh. Julie: She's right. At Cohen's Summer: Oh, no. Seth, I'm so sorry you had to overhear that. Seth: No, it's all right. I mean it's true. Summer: What I was going to say is, I think what you made is really good. Seth: Yeah, there's no coherent theme. Most of the shots are too wide and the Dogma thing has been done to death. But you know, I get that you wanted me to find something that I'm passionate about, the way you're passionate about the environment. Summer: But you love movies. Seth: I do. I love going to them and then telling people what's wrong with them. Summer: What is it? Seth: I could be a critic. Summer: You mean spending your whole life watching movies and telling people how terrible they are? Seth: Yeah, that sounds awesome. Summer: I just want you to find something that you really care about. Seth: You want to go rent An Inconvenient Truth? Summer: Yes, I love that movie. Seth: I just want to count the number of gratuitously soulful shots of Al Gore staring out an airplane window. Summer: Do not insult Al Gore. Jettey Kaitlin: So what did you tell Frank? Julie: I told him we needed to slow it down. Kaitlin: Mom, if you really like him... Julie: I do. And he's not going away. But I told him that right now I need to be spending some time with my daughter. Kaitlin: Does that include buying me ice cream? Julie: Absolutely. At Roberts' Taylor: The hermit? My soul card's the hermit? Are you kidding me? Okay, Esmerelda, I'd better go. I guess I'll call you next year. Come in. Ryan: Hey, I hope I'm not interrupting. Taylor: No. Ryan: I got you something. Taylor: Okay... Wait, these are all poems that I've translated. Ryan: I collected them, recopied them, had them bound. Taylor: Ryan, this is amazing. Are you sure this is from you? Ryan: Taylor, I'm sorry. I freaked out. What I said last night, I meant. Taylor: Really? Ryan: I love you. And I don't want to lose you. So let's put it all on the table. Berkeley, Paris, Oxford, anything. Taylor: I don't know what to say. Ryan: That's a first. Jettey Kaitlin: Oh, my God, Mom. Julie: It's okay, it's just... It's an earthquake. Get in here. Kaitlin: Mom! Julie and Kaitlin take refuge in the ice-cream's store while Ryan and Taylor are at Roberts'. Seth and Summer are in the car while Sandy comes to the aid of Kirsten who felt at the mall. The earthquake is a rare intensity. End of the episode.

Kaitlin does all she can to sabotage Julie and Frank's relationship. Ryan and Taylor tell each other how they feel. Summer encourages Seth to find something he's passionate about. Kirsten realizes what Newport's society is all about. As the night comes to a close, an earthquake hits Newport Beach.

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DSR Rambaldi artifact storage facility Guard is walking around and he gets tackled by a man. Man kills guard. Not quite sure how. Man 1: (to radio) I'm in. We see an assault team on the roof. They blow the locks off the gates and steal all the Rambaldi artifacts. Including the nightingale coil, and a ball, which turns out to be the sphere of life. Sydney's apartment. Sydney comes inside. Sydney: Hey, there's a cab waiting outside. Nadia: She wouldn't let me drive her to the airport. (she's standing next to Sophia/Elena) Sydney: Is everything okay? Nadia: The Lisbon police called. It's safe for Sophia to go home. Sydney: Oh, that's great. (gives Sophia a big hug) I'm so glad you came. Sophia: Thank you. Sophia/Elena: Look at the two of you. Such beautiful and smart women. Before I make a fool of myself. . .(gives Nadia a hug) Nadia: Promise you'll come back. Sophia: Nadia, for you, anything. APO Vaughn is watching Jack in his office. Jack is on the phone. Vaughn starts walking toward Jack's office. Marshall stops him. Marshall: Oh, hey, Vaughn. Could you sign this? It's for Weiss. His grandfather died. (wouldn't Vaughn already know something like that?) Vaughn: Yeah, actually, can I do it in a little bit? I need to ask Jack something first. Marshall: Oh, sure. No problem. (follows Vaughn as he continues to Jack's office) Vaughn: Where are you going? Marshall: Well, I thought I'd go with you to get Mr. Bristow to sign this while we're in there. Vaughn: You know what? Actually, I need to see him alone. It's kind of personal. Marshall: Oh. Uh, since when can you tell Mr. Bristow something you can't tell me? Vaughn: This is something I need to ask Jack. If you were Sydney's father, I could ask you, but you're not. Marshall: No, I'm not. I still don't understand what me not being Sydney's father has to do with you- Vaughn: (pulls out the ring and shows it to Marshall) Understand now? Marshall: Oh, my God. Hey, man. Congratulations. That's fantastic. I'm sure Mr. Bristow's gonna be thrilled. Vaughn: Really? I'm just hoping he doesn't shoot him on the spot. (he goes to Jack's office) Jack: (on the phone speaking in foreign language) No. You're not listening, General. (Vaughn walks in) We're not going to pay you. Because I don't believe it exists. Fine (he hangs up and speaks to Vaughn in English) As if weapon-grade anthrax grows on trees. What is it? Vaughn: Oh, if this is a bad time, I can- Jack: No, please. After dealing with that Cechnyan lunatic for the past couple of hours, whatever business you have will be a welcome relief. Vaughn: Well, we've, um. . .I know you're a man who- I know you're a man who respects tradition. As I do. And- Jack: Please get to the point, Agent Vaughn. Vaughn: I'm gonna ask Sydney to marry me, and I'd like your blessing. Jack: Perhaps you believe my recent illness has rendered me less coherent than before, or that my cognitive faculties have been somehow dulled or diminished. Allow me to clarify the facts for you, Agent Vaughn. While I've come to believe you're not as useless as I first imagined, I still don't feel you have- (alarms go off) CIA agents come in carrying boxes. Agent: Everyone please remain where you are. This is a warranted search. Jack: May I see that? Agent: (hands Jack a piece of paper) We've been authorized to confiscate all relevant materials. Jack: It's been signed by Director Chase. Sydney's apartment. Director Chase and CIA agents knock on the door and Sydney answers. Chase: Where's your sister? Sydney: What? Chase: I expect your full cooperation. (Chase and agents enter with boxes) Sydney: If Nadia's in some kind of trouble- Chase: Where is she? Sydney: In the shower. Agent enters the bathroom. We hear water running. Nadia, wrapped up in a towel, knocks him out and takes his gun. She slowly walks out. Chase: Stand down, Agent Santos. (Nadia gives her the gun) Nadia: What's this about? Chase: (to Nadia) Men are dead. Things are gone, and you've got some explaining to do. The agents continue to search the apartment. They find numerous guns and knives hidden throughout the apartment. Nadia sits in a robe being interrogated by Chase. Chase: (shows Nadia's laptop to Nadia) Is this yours? Nadia: Yes. Chase: Does anyone else use it or have access to it? Nadia: No. Chase: Not even Sydney. Nadia: I said no. Sydney has her own laptop. She also has- We see an agent interrogating Sydney. Agent: -an assault rifle, a 12-gauge shotgun, four handguns, two tazers, and a . . .secret drawer of knives. Let's start with the knives. Sydney: Let's start with you not wasting my time. Director Chase says men are dead. What men? What does she think Nadia did? Chase: (to Nadia) We know you overrode the DSR security system tonight. Nadia: What? Chase: Alarms on an access door were deactivated. We traced the override command to your laptop. And you just told me that you're the only one who uses it. Nadia: Yes, but I didn't do it. Chase: We also have evidence that tonight's incident isn't the only one that leads back t o you and this laptop. An agent uses a scanner on a bookshelf. He opens a jewelry box and sees the necklace Sophia/Elena gave to Nadia. He brings the necklace to Chase. Jack and Sloane enter the apartment. Jack: (to an agent standing at the door) We have clearance. Sydney: Micro transmitter? Chase: In the medallion. When did she give you this? Nadia: Few weeks ago. Why should Sophia do something like that? Jack: It would help explain why several missions were compromised. Sloane: I personally investigated Sophia Vargas when she first arrived. Prints, background- everything came back clean. Chase: Well, somebody tapped into Agent Santos's laptop. And because of it, five agents are dead. And several Rambaldi artifacts are gone. Nadia: I don't believe it. I won't. Sydney: Why would she do this? Jack: I think our clue lies in what was stolen. Sloane: You're reaching for straws, Jack. Jack: Am I? Who else would be capable of pulling this off? Chase: What are you talking about? Jack: Elena. Sydney: You think Sophia Vargas is connected to Elena Derevko? Jack: No. I think Sophia Vargas is Elena Derevko. Arvin and I have been searching for her for months. I believe she found us first. Has been using us to achieve her own end. Sydney: You mean the journal of Vaughn's father, Sloane Clone- Jack: McCullough, everything. It's been Elena all along. Sydney: Oh, my God. Nadia: You're saying it's all a lie? That she spent all these years, all this time, so she could steal some Rambaldi artifacts? Jack: She is a Derevko. Her sisters possessed that same single-minded purpose. Sloane: If Jack is right, if Elena has gathered Rambaldi artifacts, her final step would be to assemble them. We can't let that happen. APO Sloane's office. Nadia walks in. Nadia: She never made it to the airport. The cab dropped her off a few blocks from our house. Sloane: Have Marshall check traffic cams in the area. Nadia: I already did. I also notified the FFA to check flight manifests, and I updated train and bus stations with her current I. D. Sloane: Good. We'll find her. Nadia: I brought her into my house. This is my fault. Sloane: No, Nadia, it's mine. It was my obsession with Rambaldi that pulled you into this. It's my mess. It's my responsibility to clean it up. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you- the betrayal. Nadia: I'm just glad we found her. That I know the truth. Sloane: Yeah. So, if Elena has all the Rambaldi pieces, there is only one place she can go. Nadia: To see Lazlo Drake. Sloane: Yes. Nadia: I'm on it. Sloane: Nadia? We'll find her. I promise you. I will end this. China, one year earlier. Nadia and Sloane are in a car, being driven. Nadia: I don't understand. Why are we in China when I already told you Rambaldi's sphere of life is buried in Siena? Sloane: Because I need answers to a few final questions. Lazlo Drake is the only man in the world who can provide that. The car stops, there are people passing with animals, in the road. Driver: (in foreign language) Sorry, sir, it will be a few minutes. Sloane: (to driver in foreign language) Okay. (to Nadia in English) Before he went into hiding, Drake was a professor of European history. He built his reputation on the single most important discovery of his life- a manuscript. In effect, a template describing how Rambaldi's creations were to be assembled in order to bring forth his final prophecy. Just know that we're gonna make the world a better place, and we need Drake to do it. Later, nighttime outside, somewhere. We meet Drake. Sloane: Professor Drake, my name is- Drake: Arvin Sloane. Yes. Sloane: You know who I am? Drake: How could I possibly not know of you, Mr. Sloane? Your appetite for all things Rambaldi is almost legendary. Sloane: This is my daughter, Nadia. Drake: My God. (he looks at her) I am honored to meet you. Nadia: Thanks. Drake: Lovely. Please. (they sit down around the campfire on various logs) You have no idea what it is like to be in your presence. It is like meeting the virgin Mary. Nadia: What do you mean? Sloane: Drake, you know why we're here. Drake: You have collected the Sphere of Life. Sloane: No, not yet. But we know where it is. Drake: If it is not in your possession, we have nothing to discuss. Sloane: You have the only known translation of Rambaldi's Vademecum- instructions for how the pieces fit together. I need to know. Drake: That is information I will share with whoever has all the artifacts in his possession. Your visit is premature, Mr. Sloane. I suggest you come back, when you have retrieved all the items, including the Sphere. (to Nadia, he takes her hand) You will come back too, won't you? I would like that. Sloane: (breaks their hands apart) Nadia, I wonder if you would let me speak to the professor alone. (Nadia gets up and walks away) Drake: I never thought I would see, let alone touch with my own hands, a living embodiment. Sloane: My daughter is not an artifact. Drake: So protective of her. Sloane: She is my daughter. Drake: You brought her on this journey for one reason- only she can retrieve the Sphere of Life. Only she knows its secret location. You know that. Sloane: I didn't come this far to quit. Siena Sloane and Nadia are wandering around on some hills. Nadia: This is it. (they enter a cave, and walk down some stairs) Sloane: Rambaldi wrote that a man would come and discover the true meaning of his work. And in doing so would change the world. I always wanted to be that man. They come to a room. Sloane lights a torch, which causes the other torches to light up. We see a Rambaldi eye made up of small shards of glass. In the center of the eye is a stand holding the Sphere of Life. Sloane: It's made of glass. Think of it. You and I are the first ones to set foot in here in almost 500 years. Do you have any idea how many lesser people have dreamed of this moment? And only you can complete this. Nadia: What? Sloane: Nadia, this is the part of the journey that I can't take. You have to bring the box. Nadia: I don't understand. Sloane: Rambaldi had a role for you to play. I need you to do this Nadia. I need you to bring me that Sphere. Nadia, we can change the world. Go. (pause) Go. Nadia steps out carefully onto the glass. You can hear the shards scraping against each other. Sloane: Have faith, sweetheart. (She reaches the stand) Yes. (she opens the box) No, Nadia. Bring the box to me. Nadia touches the box and sees visions of what happens in the finale. Includes Sydney and Nadia fighting, the red ball, and the sound of a horse neighing. Nadia: (to Sloane) You lied. It was not about peace. (she leaves the box where it is and goes back to Sloane) Sloane: Nadia, I am your father. You will go back there and bring me the box. (he grabs her roughly) You get back there. I want that box. Nadia: (crying) You think you can control this power, but it's poisoning you. Don't you see it? You don't have to do this. Please. Let's just walk away. You and I, together. Sloane: Coward! (he pushes her) Nadia: Please, let's just go. Sloane: I don't need you. (he steps out onto the glass) He chose me. (he slowly closes the box back up) See? (the glass breaks and he falls threw) and down the hole) Nadia finds him at the bottom of the hole. There are some glass shards sticking out of him. Nadia pulls the shards out. Sloane: You're still here. Nadia: Try not to talk. You've lost a lot of blood. Sloane: I didn't think that you would be here after I- Nadia: You're my father. I'm going to get you out of here. Sloane: Thank you. Nadia: That shard of glass in your chest- when I move you, it might kill you. I need to pull it out. Sloane: Okay. (she pulls it out) Ahhh! APO Briefing room. Gang around the table including Chase. Chase: Who's Lazlo Drake? Sloane: He is the self-appointed keeper to Rambaldi's endgame. For Elena to complete her plan, she will have to contact him. He has what amounts to the instruction booklet. Vaughn: I'm sorry, maybe it's only me, but what do you mean when you say "Rambaldi's endgame"? I mean, what is it? Is it a scenario? A weapon? Sloane: In Elena's hands, most likely an apocalypse. Jack: Which is why we need to get to Lazlo Drake before she does. Nadia: Drake's completely off the grid. The manuscript has made him a target. He never stays in one place too long. We saw him in China. He could be anywhere. Sydney: If Drake's gone underground, he needs a source of income. Nadia: That's the path I've been pursuing. Greyson Wells, billionaire financer. Vaughn: Organized crime. Money laundering. CIA's been watching him for years. Nadia: He's also the man who financed most of Drake's early research into Rambaldi. Jack: If they're in communication, he might know where to find Drake. Sloane: Agreed. Coordinate with ops. Draft up a plan to approach Wells. I'll start preparations to talk to Lazlo Drake myself once we have his location. Dixon: I believe you're forbidden from participating in cases involving this particular subject matter. Chase: Agent Dixon has a point. Sloane: Yes. I'm aware of the agreement. But I have a history with Drake. Sydney: So does Nadia. Sloane: I'm sure Nadia would agree that her presence would only complicate matters. Nadia: He's right. Sloane: Drake will talk to me. If we approach this tactically, his security force will respond. We can not let this turn into a firefight. Our timetable is too critical. Chase: Proceed as instructed. Once you have a location on Drake, you'll relay it to Director Sloane. That's it, people. Be safe. Cannes Sydney walks into a jewelry shop, wearing a white fur coat. Doorman: Bonjour. (speaks French, Sydney hands him her purse) Sydney: Don't touch the fur. (pause) All right, you may touch the fur. (she holds out her arm) Once. Doorman: (touches the fur) Merci. Sydney walks on. She takes a glass of champagne from a waiter. She continues walking and brushes up against Greyson Wells. She continues over to the jewelry counter. Doorman: Please, let me know if there is anything in particular you would like to see. (Sydney taps on the glass at a bracelet) Ah, very good. Platinum Liana. (Sydney goes to sit) Fully paired with the flawless brilliance. (brings her the bracelet) Can be worn as a bracelet or an anklet. Sydney: (she lifts up her ankle) Put. (he does) Hm. (to Wells) What do you think? Ankle or wrist? Wells: Well, to be honest, I've always found anklets to be a bit vulgar. Though, admittedly, you are making me rethink my position. I think I'd have to see it on your wrist before I gave an informed opinion. Sydney: Do. (Wells comes over and unattaches the bracelet from her ankle and, when he takes her wrist, we see they both have the Rambaldi eye tattoo on their hands) Something wrong? Wells: It appears we have a mutual interest. (he puts the bracelet on her wrist) Sydney: So it seems. (she goes and stands in front of a mirror) Hm. Wells: Better as a bracelet. Will you allow me to buy it for you? Sydney: You trying to impress me? Wells: Well, that depends. Is it working? Sydney: Sweetheart, it's not your money I'm interested in. [SCENE_BREAK] In another room, Sydney is still in her disguise talking on the cell phone. Sydney: (to phone) I'm going with you to see Drake. Sloane: This is not your call Sydney. Sydney: It is now. I have his location. I'll go alone if I have to. Sloane: Well, he's not gonna talk to you. Sydney: Then I suggest you get on a plane. Solana airfield. Outside Mexico City. 0800 hours. I'll be there when you land, and we'll go see Drake together. (she leaves and we see Wells sitting in his boxers and tied up in a chair) APO Marshall's lab. He's taking apart the necklace Elena gave to Nadia. Marshall: Well, all the parts are pretty generic. I mean, it's really difficult to track where it came from. Sorry. Nadia: It's all right. I just feel stupid I trusted her. Marshall: Hey, I don't blame you. I mean, she was like family. You know, but don't put this on your self. I mean, hell, I trusted Sloane for 6 years before I found out he was evil. You know. . .not that he's evil, per se. . .We have a long history together. Look we're gonna find this Sophia/Elena woman person. Your dad's totally on it. Mexico Sydney stands near the runway as Sloane's plane lands. Sloane gets out of the plane and goes to Sydney. They start walking. Sloane: This is a reckless course of action. Sydney: Try calculated. I'm not letting you meet with a man who's gonna tell you how to put the Rambaldi contraption together. Sloane: That's ridiculous. I had everything I needed last year, and I gave it up. You know that, Sydney. Sydney: You didn't have everything. Sloane: You're putting yourself in danger by coming with me. Sydney: I know what I'm doing. I just hope you do, because I swear if this is about you and your twisted beliefs- Sloane: Do you have any idea about what Nadia has been through. Betrayed by the woman who raised her. I would never do anything to put her in any more pain. I'm here for one reason alone- to put an end to this nightmare once and for all. Sydney: I wish I could believe you. They drive to a trailer out in the middle of nowhere. Sydney: Looks cozy. (they walk up to the doorway and see a dead man underneath a tree) Sloane: Elena got here before us. Sydney: (she opens the door and we see Drake, dead, in a chair) It's Drake. Sloane: He's dead, isn't he? If I didn't have to rendezvous with you, I would have been here hours ago. Sydney: If it weren't for you, we wouldn't have to be here at all. (Sydney walks around the trailer, looking around) Sloane: What are you doing? Sydney sees a camera in the tree. They go inside the trailer. Sydney opens cabinets looking for something. She finds a tv screen. She finds the remote. She turns it on. The screen shows her and Sloane standing there. Sloane: See if you can rewind the feed. She rewinds it and we see Elena sitting talking with Drake. Sloane stands behind her. Sloane: (he takes the remote from Sydney) Here, let's start over again at the beginning. Drake: I have to admit, I did not think it would be you. Elena: You thought Arvin Sloane would have all the artifacts. Drake: He nearly completed the work once before. Elena: And failed. He threw it away. And for what? The girl. Drake: Do you have a secure facility to assemble everything. Elena: I do. A factory outside of- Sloane turns the tv off. He tranqs Sydney before she can react. Sloane: I'm sorry, Sydney. I'm so sorry. (he lays her gently on the floor) APO Jack's office. His phone rings. He answers. Jack: Yes? Sydney: Sloane tranqed me. That b*st*rd knocked me out before I could get Elena's location. Jack: Are you alright? Sydney: I saw this coming and he still beat me. Jack: Sydney, are you sure you're okay? Sydney: Dad, I'm okay. Jack: I'll notify Director Chase. We'll find him. Stairwell Dixon is standing and Chase comes in. Chase: Agent Dixon. Dixon: Why didn't you stop Sloane when you had the chance? Chase: I understand your reaction. Dixon: You just opened the door to temptation and let Sloane walk through it? Chase: End of discussion. (Dixon goes to leave) Hey. . . Dixon: This man's taken lives. Chase: I did what I thought was best. Dixon: I know. In spite of all this, it's good to see you. Chase: Yeah. (they kiss) Weekends aren't enough. Dixon: Tell me about it. Sydney's still in Mexico. Sydney: (answers phone) Yes? I have an idea but you're gonna hate it. Jack: You want me to talk to your Aunt Katya. (Jack is walking down a corridor) Sydney: How did you know that? Jack: First you said I would hate the idea, and you're correct. Second, I arrived at the same conclusion myself. We're at a complete impasse here. Time is running out and she's the only Derevko we have. Call you afterwards. Jack is at Katya's cell. He enters. Jack: Lock the door behind me. Katya: (sitting on her bed) Is that look on your face supposed to be intimidating? You forget, Jack- I've seen your tender side. Jack: I need everything you know on Elena's operations- right now. Katya: What makes you think I know anything? Jack: Call it an instinct. Katya: Do you intend to torture me? Jack: If I have to. Katya: While I know that would be enjoyable for both of us, I should warn you, I have quite a bit of stamina. But you already know that about me. Jack: What do you want? Katya: Full pardon. Immediate release. Jack: I don't have that authority. Katya: You'll find a way. Jack: If the information you provide leads us to Elena, I will do everything in my power to procure your freedom. You have my word. Katya: If you're here, my sister must be pursuing aggressive action. What has she done? Jack: She broke into the DSR, stole a cache of Rambaldi artifacts. Katya: She has been acquiring artifacts for several years now through her front. Jack: Her front? Katya: Don't look so surprised. It has been happening right before your eyes. Jack: The Covenant. Katya: See? I knew you could do it, handsome. Jack: Elena ran the covenant? That's impossible. We dismantled its operations. Katya: No, that's what she wanted you to believe. You took down a straw man. Elena's agenda's always been the same. It's always been Rambaldi. Jack: How do we stop her? Katya: You are asking the wrong sister. Irina spent the last few years of her life tracking Elena. She was determined to stop our sister from enacting her endgame. And she would have done it, too, but. . .you had to go and put a bullet in her head. Jack: I was set up. Elena put a hit out on Sydney, and framed Irina for it. Katya: Oh, I see. So you executed my sister on a misunderstanding. Oh, then all is forgiven. Don't stand there pretending you're a patsy. You're too good at what you do. If you pulled the trigger, part of you wanted to be manipulated. I can help you find Elena. But unfortunately, I cannot tell you how to stop her. Thanks to you, that hope died with Irina. Jack: (on phone) Sydney, listen carefully. Elena Derevko is in Praque. Her base of operations is a decommissioned chemical facility south of the industrial zone. Sydney: And Katy knew that? She just gave you that location? Jack: No, Katya never just gives anything. But she tied Elena to the Covenant, knew she worked out of Europe. Marshall and Vaughn were able to pinpoint her exact location based on declassified KGB files and some thermal satellite imaging. Sydney: Do you think we can trust her? Jack: She's a Derevko. I need you get on a plane and rendezvous with Dixon and Nadia at Ruzyne Airport. The cargo terminal. They have your ops plan. Sydney: I'm on my way. (she hangs up) Prague Elena's facility. Daytime. Elena sits at a desk in her office. Someone knocks on the door. Two men come in with Sloane between them. The men leave. Elena: My men think you're hear to kill me. Sloane: You should hire smarter men. Elena: You walk in, unarmed, and surrender yourself. You're not the most convincing, so let me guess. You're here to offer me a deal. Sloane: I know what you're trying to do. I can help. Elena: Thank God. Sloane: You're wise enough to see my value. There's no one on this earth who knows more about Milo Rambaldi. Elena: I'd heard you reformed. Sloane: I suppose I've been born again. Elena's facility. Nighttime. Dixon, Nadia, Sydney are near a fence. Sydney: (on comms) Perimeter security has been disabled. Phoenix and team are on the move. Jack: (in Marshall's lab) Copy, Phoenix. Director Chase has authorized shoot to kill. Nadia: Copy that. Marshall: Okay, now we have the facility on thermal satellite. Looks like there are about 40 people inside. And the blueprints we acquired were accurate. There are three main areas to secure. Sydney: Understood. Jack: Sydney, be careful. Sydney: Copy. Let's move. They sneak off in various directions. Nadia walks down a hallway. Sydney comes to a lab where she avoids confrontation with 2 men. Dixon is near an exit where he sees a prisoner being led into a van. Man: The prisoner, right? Man 2: Yes, of course. I'm bringing her down. Man: Transferring prisoner. (they go in a van and drive off) Sloane comes up behind and draws a gun on Dixon. Sloane: I was as surprised as you are. Dixon: (has his gun out too) Drop your weapon. Sloane: No, Marcus. Drop yours. Dixon: I said drop your weapon Sloane. Marshall: Okay, I got em. Pinpointing their location. (Nadia runs down a hallway) Jack: They're at the loading dock. East side of the building. Dixon: Put your weapon on the ground. Sloane: I warned Sydney. I warned all of you not to do this. Dixon: I mean it. Sloane: Please, Marcus. It's too big now. You can't stop this. Only I can. Sydney attacks a man. Nadia attacks a man. They both run into the same hallway. Sloane: You'll have to trust me. Dixon: Trust you? Sloane: Get out of here now. Nadia and Sydney hear some gunshots. They run toward the sound. Dixon falls, to reveal Elena, who shot him in the back. Jack: Outrigger, report. Outrigger, report. Elena: Time to leave. (she and Sloane leave) Nadia and Sydney run to Dixon. Sydney: Dixon! Nadia: Evergreen to base. We need an emergency medical extraction. We have a man down. Repeat, we hav ea man down. Sydney: Dixon. Hospital Sydney is standing outside Dixon's cubicle. Dixon lies on a bed. Chase kisses him. Jack walks up to Sydney. Chase leaves. Chase: If anything changes, you call me. (leaves) Sydney: (to Jack) Did you have any idea she and Dixon. . . Jack: No. But then I tend to miss those kinds of details. Sydney: What are you talking about. You're the master of details. Jack: Really? I've gone over the details a thousand times in my mind. Each one added up to the same conclusion- that your life was in danger and your mother was the lethal threat. Sydney: Dad, we've gone over this. You don't need- Jack: I've lived my life trusting in the veracity of details, and in doing so, I lost sight of the one thing I know to be true. Your mother would never hurt you. She was ready to shut Elena down, and I killed her. She was our only hope. Sydney: That's not true. We can stop them. I know it. You and I may disagree on a lot of things, but I never question your motives. You always have my bests interests at heart. I know that. Jack: How's Nadia feeling? (Nadia is sitting on a bench down the hall) Sydney: I don't think she's feeling much of anything, right now. Inside a vehicle. Sloane and Elena. Elena: How could you let Sydney and Nadia follow? Sloane: Everything is proceeding as planned. Elena: You talk the talk, but I'm still not convinced you've returned to the fold. We'll see if you have what it takes to finish the journey. Hallway outside APO. Vaughn is waiting for the elevator. Jack gets out the elevator. Vaughn: How's Dixon? Jack: The same. Sydney and Nadia are there now. (Vaughn starts to leave) You asked me a question earlier that I didn't get a chance to answer properly. Vaughn: I'd say the answer was loud and clear. Jack: We're more alike than I care to admit, Agent Vaughn. And I realized now that in disapproving of you I was only hating my own limitations. I wasn't asking myself what would be best for Sydney. If you honestly believe that you can make my daughter happy, then by all means you have my blessing to marry her. Vaughn: Okay. (Jack leaves) Back at hospital. Nadia and Sydney sitting on the bench. Nadia: You always knew my father would do this. Sydney: I hoped he wouldn't. Nadia: Despite everything, I really believed that he chose me. You must think I'm pretty foolish. Sydney: Of course not. He's your father. Nurse: (walks up) Agent Bristow, Agent Santos, he's asking for you. (they go to Dixon) Sydney: Dixon. We have been so worried about you. Dixon: Before I saw Sloane, I saw a prisoner, shackled. Syd. . .it's your mother. She's alive.

Elena Derevko raids the DSR facility holding all the CIA's Rambaldi devices. The CIA traces the conspiracy back to Nadia's laptop and the bugged necklace Sophia Vargas (who was Elena Derevko all along) gave her. In a flashback Arvin Sloane and Nadia Santos visit the one man who knows how to assemble the Rambaldi device. The man is subsequently killed by Elena. When Sloane and Sydney arrive at the man's trailer they find him murdered. Sloane then betrays the CIA by knocking Sydney out and fleeing with the knowledge of Elena's location. Since Sloane is the only living expert on Rambaldi, they join forces. To find Elena and Sloane, Jack Bristow visits Katya Derevko and promises her immunity for information on Elena's whereabouts which she then gives to Jack. Dixon, Nadia, and Sydney then infiltrate Elena's compound, where Dixon is shot by Elena, but not before positively identifying that Irina Derevko, long thought to be executed by Jack, is still alive.

fd_Justified_06x11

fd_Justified_06x11_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Zachariah: What about Boyd? Boyd ain't nothing like Bowman. Zachariah: Yeah, he's a Crowder. That's awful strange talk seeing as you're here working for him. Ava: My uncle ... you sure he couldn't have made it out of that mine? Carl: Even if he survived the blast, the rockfall cut him off from the entrance. Probably got turned around in the dark. Ava: Zachariah got turned around? Art: You want some advice? Bring Raylan in. See if you can confirm what your gut is telling you. Rachel: Is that what you'd do? You'd let it go. Wouldn't risk the case just to save your own ass. Mike: When I asked you how long you'd been snitching to the marshals, you said, "this time." The other time was about Grady Hale, right? Duffy: You just figured that out all by yourself, Mikey? [laughs] Duffy: Aah! [handcuffs click] Mike: Ms. Hale, please call me as soon as you get this. Boyd: Ripping you off ... that was her idea of payback for you murdering her husband. I just thought you'd wanna know. Baby? [gunshot] [grunts] Raylan: What did you do? Ava: I gave you what you always wanted, Raylan ... Boyd Crowder bleeding at your feet. I'm gonna come after you. Ava: I know. Rachel: I know your deputies just got back to Atlanta, but we need as many as you can spare. We've got a new number one. Ava Crowder. Jerry, I'm gonna have to call you back. Art: [exhales sharply] [indistinct conversations] Rachel: How bad is it? Art: Well... I shaved. The director called. Tried to tell her that I was the shot caller on this from my sickbed, that I just couldn't let it go, but apparently you'd already talked to her. Rachel: I'm the one who approved Ava as a C.I. and Raylan as her handler. It's only right I take the hit. Art: I wish you'd called me first. Rachel: Am I suspended? Art: Hell, no. Not gonna sideline one of my best manhunters in the middle of a manhunt. What the hell's the status with Crowder? Rachel: Nelson's sitting on him at Harlan regional medical until they get the bullet out and we can move him. Art: Well, you do realize you accomplished something that I was never able to do all these years. Rachel: Let an untrustworthy C.I. get away with $10 million? Art: You got Boyd Crowder. Boyd: Aah! Aah, aah, aah. Doctor: Irrespective of you being shot, you are what doctors call one lucky son of a bitch. Yeah, well, I don't feel so lucky at the moment. [groans] Doctor: Slug splintered on your collarbone. Hair South, your lungs'd be torn to shreds. We got in there, tied things up. It could be worse. Raylan: You give us a minute, doc? Doctor: You're not the one shot him, are you? Raylan: No, I'm the one who got him here. Boyd: [exhaling deeply] Ain't exactly true, is it? What you told him about bringing me here. Well, I called it in, made sure they knew you were emergent. Boyd: You handcuffed me to a bumper, you left me there without so much as a fare-thee-well. Raylan: You could hear the sirens on their way. Must have given you some solace. Boyd: I don't suppose you've come to tell me you've found her. Raylan: I found her truck some down the road, abandoned. No sign beyond. Gotta suck, be that close to the prize, have it shot out of your hand. I kinda know how you feel. Boyd: No, you don't. I don't believe in a world where you know how I feel. Raylan: I didn't realize disappointment was a domain exclusive unto Boyd Crowder. Well, Raylan, if we're gonna play it that simple, then let's talk about your disappointments. What disappoints you, Raylan Givens? The fact that you weren't the one who got to shoot me? Where is she goin'? Boyd: Well, you wheel me outta here, I'll take you straight to her. [chuckles] That's funny. Boyd: Oh, well, it doesn't have to be funny. Come on, Raylan. Me and you, one more ride together. See if we can't find a reasonable solution to our problem. But which is our problem, exactly? The money or Ava? Boyd: Well, ain't they the same problem, Raylan? Raylan: Are they to you? Boyd: I'm gonna get outta here, Raylan. Raylan: Mm-hmm. Boyd: Sooner or later, one way or another, I'm gonna get outta here, and when I do, I'm gonna go get that money. Raylan: Which sets me to thinking, How long you think she's got? Long enough for you to execute your great escape? Get to her before Markham and his boys do? Then I got to wonderin' further what they're gonna do to her if they get there first. Boyd: Well, maybe she has whatever that is coming. Raylan: Oh. I see. And you're cool with that? Them dishing out retribution however they see fit? Boyd: Are you? Raylan: My, my. Boyd: You know, Raylan... Zachariah Randolph. Raylan: Come again? Boyd: It's her uncle. I think that's the man you're looking for. [monitor beeping steadily] You think he's helping her? Boyd: Well, if he ain't died down one of those shafts, Raylan, then... I don't believe he has. That'd be my first stop. Raylan: See you at the arraignment. Tim: You get anything? Raylan: Maybe a place to start. Nelson: Heard she pulled Boyd's gun on you. Raylan: She did. Nelson: Man, I did not see that coming. Raylan: Anything changes here, drop me a line. You ever been down in a mine? Tim: I've been to Mordor, but not through the mines. Raylan: Is that a yes or a no? Tim: No. [music] [birds calling] Zachariah: [grunts] Ava: Is that it? Way up there? Zachariah: Yeah! Ava: I thought you said it was close. Zachariah: [grunts] [birds crying and chirping] Ava: How long's this place been closed? Zachariah: Oh, eight, nine years. They used it a... a supply station. Rescue would get the supplies in, trap miners as fast as possible. Regulations being so damn lax, they didn't build this thing till after the '83 collapse. [both sigh] You think having closer supplies would have saved my daddy? Zachariah: God himself couldn't save your daddy on that day. That's why I stopped praying. Zachariah: [grunting] Yeah, yeah. [scraping and thudding] Ava: [coughs] Zachariah: Get some heat in here. And I got... this here radio for backup. We'll know they're coming before they do. Give us some time to hightail it outta here, which is exactly what we should be doing, so I'm gonna go over, see if I can get one of those old A.T.V.s running. Pack up these bags, and we be outta here by sundown! Now you do know those old moonshine trails up there, they just roll through those mountains like a... Ava: Maze? Zachariah: Yeah, maze. Now this Grubes guy we're going to see ... you sure he knows his way around? Ava: He knows the trails blindfolded. But I was thinkin'... Boyd knows Grubes. Zachariah: Ah. Ava: If he's alive ... Zachariah: If he's alive, the marshals got him, and if he ain't... [claps hands] the more, the better. [title music] ♪ On this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul, god, get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard, fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road, trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome, pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ Katherine: Where are you? Damn, I can't hear you. Mike: I'm in Richmond, close to E.K.U. Duffy: Give me the phone, Mikey. Let me talk to her. Katherine: I'll call when I get close. Keep Duffy there. I just need to get my purse. [cell phone beeps] Markham: You know, I can usually smell a rotten bud before it blooms. But your scent, my dear, has always been presidential kush. ... your questions. And all that on my. [sighs] Markham: Got yourself a new purse. Katherine: Yeah, before we go down a whole road, I think you might be interested in the phone call I just had, wherein I learned that Wynn Duffy killed Grady. Markham: I didn't know that little cockroach was still alive. Katherine: Yeah. Well, I'm just going to change, then. Markham: How do you know this? Katherine: His bodyguard called me. Wynn Duffy was a rat 14 years ago, and he's a rat today. Markham: You know, I knew you'd never leave your home state. That's why I came back. Nothing else mattered. You were the prize. But now I wonder if I wasn't just a mark, someone for you to screw. Katherine: At first, yes, but... seeing you... being with you, - everything came flying back. Markham: Oh, don't tell me. Love? Katherine: Well, was it not the same for you? Markham: Well, I've always loved you, Katherine. I just don't trust you. Katherine: Well, I accepted your proposal, Avery. Would it be so bad for the two of us to... live together, not trusting each other, just like everybody else in the whole wide world? Markham: You know, I understand your drive to avenge Grady's death, even when you thought it was me. And I hope when I'm your husband... you'd do the same for me. Katherine: [sighs] I'm gonna go shower. You wanna join me? Markham: Nothing I'd love more. But there's work to be done. Katherine: Goin' after your 10 million? Markham: Our 10 million. You know, I'm gonna make sure Boyd Crowder doesn't see another day. Katherine: Well, I'm gonna do the same to Wynn Duffy. Markham: Let me handle Duffy. I'll bring you his head for a wedding present. Katherine: Goddamn, Avery Markham. I love you. Markham: Love you, too. [classical music playing on radio] Duffy: I never knew you liked classical, Mikey. Mike: You'd know if you let me pick the music every once in a while. Duffy: That can change. A lot can change. You want me to drive sometimes? You wanna be in charge of the TV? Mikey? What do you want, Mikey? Okay, point taken. You got a code. You're billy jack. I get it, okay? Can we end this? Mikey? I'll forget what happened and we'll go back to the way things were. [radio volume increases] [loudly] Okay, Mikey?! Hey! Take these goddamn cuffs off, or I'm gonna take that code, and I will shove it up your ass! [whack] Uhh! Mike: This isn't just about some code. You were as close to family as I ever had. I believed in you, Wynn. End of the day, you're a rat. And rats get exterminated, period. And I hate being called "Mikey." [door squeaks] [bag thuds] Loretta: [sighs] Boon: Seat buckle. I'm just looking to keep my girl safe. [squeaks] Boon: Are you looking for this? [chuckles] Come on. When I was a kid... can't tell you how many falls your daddy and I had, angry pricks, one and all. Lay three hots and a cot with a side of ass whupping. I come to rely solely on my own wherewithal at a tender age, not unlike yourself. I'm hearing tales about all this money you supposedly got, no doubt giving you a sense of confidence. But I can tell you what. Markham's got a lot more. Loretta: What's your point? Boon: Do you ever watch the History Channel? Days of yore, marriages weren't about love... or romance. Those sentiments didn't even factor in. They were about alliances to end wars, making each side stronger against enemies they had in common. You understand? Loretta: Man, I got no idea what in the hell you're talking about. Boon: I'm saying, if I'd had a Mr. Markham by my side back then, I'd have jumped on it as fast as a bullet. I wanna offer you an opportunity, tuck in with us. You say yes, we'll always be watching your back. Loretta: I don't need anybody watching my back ... least of all, you. Boon: Got fire in your belly. What I adore most, girl. Be careful... lest it burn your brain, so you can't hear good reason. [music] [indistinct conversations] Raylan: You got an escort down the mine shaft? Willits: He's on the way out now. Had to roust the owner out of the bed. He ... he was grumpy about it. Raylan: Well, you can tell him he can give me the what-for as soon as he gets us on a coal cart. Willits: You think she could have got down that mine shaft on her own? Tim: We think Ms. Crowder has an accomplice worked his mine most of his life. Raylan: What's that up there? So I've got the claim more said, Earl's on A.K. we got that armored truck dead on our side. Earl: Next thing we know, cherries, man, everywhere. Carl: I'm telling it, Earl. All right? Sorry. Man: How'd the cops know? Carl: Figure we got set up. Earl: By who? Carl: That Katherine chick and Duffy ... one or both of 'em. It's like that old saying, you know? Earl: "Crime doesn't pay"? Carl: God damn it, Earl. No. "Ain't no honor among thieves." Crime does pay. As long as the criminals you're working for don't screw you over all the time. Birch: Let's go, girls! You're moving to a new cell! Come on off your fannies! [cell door clanks] Not you two. You got a visitor. Carl: Who? Birch: [whistles] Earl: Oh, no. Oh, hey! Hey, we can't be in here with them! Come on now! This sh1t ain't legal! Markham: Those cops aren't gonna help you, son. They're new friends of mine. Carl: I'm gonna tell y'all upfront right now, we ain't going down without a fight. Boon: Jenny here says you would. [bars rattle] And she's had the last word in many such a disagreement. Markham: Boon. I know Boyd is the brain behind your attempt to rob me. You and your brother were just pawns. Carl: We were soldiers. Markham: No, you were pawns. He sent you out to attack that armored car while he executed his real plan ... kidnap my fiancée, extort the $10 million that way. He screwed you both. Earl: You're lying. Boyd wouldn't do that to us. Would he, Carl? Markham: Ever hear of Judge Zeke Baron? Earl: I know of Baron's pawn shop. That's Judge Zeke. He owns it. He got an office out back. Buy enough of his junk for double what it cost, he's amenable to signing a release, get you R.O.R.'d. Earl: What does that have to do with us? It means we're gettin' out of here. Means you're gettin' out of here. What about Earl? Earl: Yeah. Drop our ... is one man affort, Carl. Carl: Well, why me? Why not the hat kid? Boyd knows you. Ask him where my money is. If he knows, put a bullet between his eyes. If he doesn't know... put a bullet between his eyes anyway. Carl: What if I tell you Boyd's been good to me, huh? And I don't want your damn job. Markham: If you refuse, if you fail... or if you run off when you get into the outside world, then... Jenny will blow Earl a kiss. [taps] Carl: [sighs] [music] [animal chitters in distance] [birds crying and cawing] [door creaks] Tim: Clear. Willits: Clear. Tim: Somebody's been here. Willits: I imagine this place has been put to all sorts of use. Kids stealing, coming in here to hook up. Raylan: It's warm in here. You notice that? Like someone had a space heater. Tim: Drag marks right here by the doorway. $10 million is a lot of weight. Willits: Maybe spied us, left in a hurry. If so, they ain't far, and they're not moving fast. We need to shift choppers and dogs to this ridge, set the perimenter around this point as ground zero. You got any guys you can spare? Willits: I can ask. Uh, if so, you wanna ride on one of the helicopters? One of them's got F.L.I.R. Maybe get you a seat if you want. Raylan: Definitely. Vasquez: It's beyond bad, chief. It's career-ending ... mine... and yours. You were the one that told me to put Raylan in the lead. Rachel: Why did you call us in here, Vasquez? Vasquez: Where is he? Rachel: Where's who? Art: He's working the fugitive. As the closest deputy to the case, he is the most likely to find her. Vasquez: Oh, Jesus, Art. Seriously? I mean, really, seriously? God damn it, what ... what did he, promise you a cut?! Art: I'm gonna do you the goddamn common courtesy of pretending I didn't hear that sh1t come out of your mouth. He was banging her in the past. He's almost certainly banging her now! His banging her in the past wrecked the criminal case back then! And then here we are again now! History repeating itself. Then he lets her shoot his, uh, whatever-the-hell-you-want- to-call-Boyd. That's convenient. And this marshal, whom we've defended on countless questionable shootings, well, he decides this time, he's gonna holster his piece, and he's just gonna wave goodbye as she drives away. Art: [sighs] Vasquez: You take umbrage with me all you want, Chief Deputy Mullen. You give me that look like you wanna choke me right now. But eventually, the both of you are gonna have to come to grips with the reality. Rachel: And in your version of reality? Vasquez: Your marshal and his girlfriend have stolen $10 million right out from under our noses. [sighs] [telephone ringing in distance] [helicopter approches] [cellphone buzzing] Raylan: [loudly] Givens. I'm about to get on a helicopter. Art: [sighs] I need you back in Lexington now. Raylan: What? What? Hey, I ain't kidding about the helicopter. It's hovering above my head. Why I'm talking so loud. Art: Let the helicopter go. Let somebody else take a ride. I need you in the office. Raylan: What'd I do? Art: That's a long list. Raylan: I know that tone, Art. I know it too well, as a matter of fact. Just tell me. Art: Vasquez has voiced a concern. Raylan: Raised a concern or leveled an accusation? Art: Look, you know where this is going. You tell me. Raylan: He thinks I conspired with Ava. Oh, tell me you ain't entertaining the notion that that is anything other than utter horseshit. [sighs] All I'm saying is you're not giving me a leg to stand on here. I'm having trouble enough defending your actions even absent your and Ava's history. Raylan: Just let me get on the helicopter, take one pass, see if I can spot 'em. They're close, Art. I'm telling you, I can feel it. They're close. [helicopter whirring] Art: All right. You know me so well. I'm sure you can understand my tone when I say to you let the goddamn helicopter go and get your ass back to Lexington right now. [whirring continues] [cell phone beeps] [starts engine] [under breath] God damn it. [music] [whirring] Ava: Okay... [panting] [SCENE_BREAK] Stiles: Are you Deputy Dunlop? Nelson: That's me. Stiles: They say they got a deputy who wants to meet you outside. Givens, I think? Nelson: I could use a coffee anyway. Keep an eye on him for me for a minute? Stiles: Oh, yeah, you bet. Nelson: Thanks. [telephone rings] Stiles: [whispers] Let's go. Stiles: All right, now you're gonna have to make this look good, all right? [door closes] Stiles: How about you hit me? Boyd: Carl? [whack] Carl. Carl? Carl: [grunting] [panting] That look good enough to you, you son of a bitch? Boyd: Wha... Carl: Where's the money, Boyd? Boyd: Why are you pointing a gun at me? I'm infirm. Carl: I trusted you. You sold Earl and I out. You set the cops on us. Boyd: Who sold you that wooden nickel? Son, I had every intention of meeting you ... Carl: Don't... lie to me, Boyd! Now where's the goddamn money? Boyd: Carl, I'm sorry. I-I made a bad decision. Trust me, son. And if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it different. [click] Carl: Last chance. Boyd: Hey, hey. Carl: Where is the money? Boyd: God damn it, I saved your life down in that mine. Carl: [breathing heavily] He's got my brother, Boyd. I ain't got no choice in this. Boyd: Who's got your brother? Markham? Carl: [breathes heavily] Boyd: Well, damn, son, get me outta here. Let's go get that money. We'll get your brother. We'll kill that son of a bitch. I'll give you half of everything that I put my hands on. Carl... Carl, I know that we have had a bad run of luck lately, but we can change it right now, god damn it. Contrary to everything that's happened, I care deeply about you and your brother. $5 million? [exhales deeply] Now go get that key, son. Come on. [exhales deeply] Carl: Yeah. [siren whoops] [reverse alert beeping] [brakes squeal] [radio chatter] [clatter] Give me that jacket. Boyd: Where's he now? Carl: Earl is in the jail under guard. Markam bought a couple dirty cops. Do anything for him. Boyd: Let's go kill that skinny son of a bitch. Carl: Question is now, how we gonna get you out past the nurses' stand without anybody noticing? Boyd: [sighs] It shouldn't be too hard with all the chaos. Carl: What chaos? [gunshot] [alarm sounding] Boyd: We got a shooter on the floor! Everybody clear out! Woman: Get outta here! Man: He said shooter! Come on! [alarm continues sounding, people shouting indistinctly] [police radio chatter] Raylan: Where's Nelson? Tim: Somewhere wishing he wasn't Nelson. Why didn't he get any backup? Tim: Everyone's out looking for Ava. Raylan: Oh, my god. Tim: The word I got is you're supposed to be headed back to Lexington, face this Vasquez reckoning. Raylan: Yeah, I was headed back to Lexington. Then I got word Crowder escaped marshals' custody and reframed my priorities somewhat. Tim: And creepy how excited you seem right now, not that I am questioning your priorities. Raylan: My priorities are straight. Tim: Uh-huh. So you're gonna keep cool when I tell you you need to follow Art's orders and head back to Lexington. Raylan: Give me something here. Point me in the direction, couple hours. Tim: Oh, so the joke here is that I give you directions back to Lexington, but since you know where that is ... Raylan: Who is this peckerwood here? Is this Carl? Jesus Christ, man. Carl. Tim: I know. It's weird, isn't it? Maybe you should ask him about that when you get back to the office. Raylan; Tim, can we stop pretending there's any version of this conversation that ends with me going to the office? Tim: If I help you out, you gonna cut me in on that $10 million? Raylan: [sighs] [telephone ringing in distance] Man: # I wanna go back, # ♪ I wanna go up and down ♪ ♪ over all the little trees and passes ♪ ♪ that make up our hometown ♪ Boon: Got word from the hospital. Markham: What? ♪ it all came crashing down ♪ Boon: Carl's dead. And ... Markham: And Boyd escaped. Markham: I told Carl what would happen if he failed in his job. A deal's a deal. Call our friends at the jail. Get little brother out. ♪ we held each other close so tight ♪ ♪ I wanna go back ♪ [footsteps approach] Man: Help ya? Raylan: Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens. Looking for Earl Lennon. May have him back there awaiting marshal's transfer back to Lexington. Man: Oh, yeah, sure. Raylan: Great. Whatever paperwork you, uh... Man: Just need to, uh... Raylan: Sure. [door opens] Crosley: Can I help you? Raylan: Hey. Look at that. Got him all ready for me. Nah, this prisoner's been entrusted to my offices' charge. I mean, what might you think, you can just walk on out of here with him? Raylan: Uh, this. Not to get all federal on you, but... kinda is what it is. Crosley: Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to make a call. Raylan: See? There it is. Crosley: There what is? Raylan: You know, it don't bother me much running into a cop from this town that's bent to sh1t. I grew up around here. Kinda expect it now and then. What irritates me is when you call 'em on it, and they give you this look like, "how dare you insinuate I'm a piece of sh1t tarnishing my badge?" I see you doing the math, whether you're gonna tolerate the insult. But you should know, one of your co-workers is in the hospital with brain bleed, and this boy's brother's dead, so you might wanna factor them items into the equation before you decide what you're gonna do next. Crosley: Number one ... I don't like your tone. Number two ... that badge don't mean sh1t. And number three ... this boy's been bonded out fair and square. Matter of fact, I was just about to call the judge. Raylan: The marshal service have spent a lot of time and effort apprehending a fugitive that's now out on the run, and lives are in danger because of it, so every time you open your mealy mouth to lie, I think of that, and I start picturing how you'd look without any of your goddamn teeth. Earl: Wait. Did you say my brother's dead? Raylan: Earl... step away from the dirty cop and come with me, nice and slow. Thank you. [Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing] Katherine: Hello, Michael. Mike: Hello, Ms. Hale. Katherine: Michael, would you mind giving me a gun until this unfortunate mess is over? You can retreave it later. How does that sound? [whispers] Thank you. [handcuffs clanking] [sighs] Wynn... Avery wanted to give me your murderous rat head as a wedding present, but I thought, no, I should do something nice for him, get our marriage started out on the right foot. The things we do for love. [chuckles] Duffy: You gonna put it in a big, blue Tiffany box like that ring on your finger? Katherine: You're being awfully flip for someone who's about to die. Duffy: What do you want me to say, Katherine? Yes, I ratted out Grady to Simon Poole and, yes, I killed Simon Poole because Simon Poole was gonna rat me out to Grady. The life we chose, huh? Katherine: Why kill Grady? Duffy: What do you care? You were schtupping Markham. You think about it, I did you a favor. Katherine: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you did. But, Wynn... Grady was my husband. He was my partner. And here's how it works. You protect your partner, and you avenge them against people who do them wrong. That is something I strongly believe. [sighs] [sniffles] Front of the head? [click] Or back? Suit yourself. Mike: Wait, wait, wait, wait. We don't have to kill him. Katherine: Michael. Mike: Just put the word out he's a rat. Let him fend for himself out there. Katherine: Move aside. Mike: Look, I don't like what Duffy did, but he's my boss, and I'd have to avenge him, anybody did him wrong. That's what you just said, right? Katherine: Oh, for god's sake. Mike: I mean, I think he's ... [gunshot] Aah! [grunting] Wynn: Michael! [gunshot] Jesus Christ! [gunshot] Jesus! [grunting] Duffy: Aah! Mike: [grunting] Katherine: [grunting] [gunshot] Mike: Aah! Duffy: Mikey! Mike: [grunting] Ohh! Duffy: Mikey! [crack] Katherine: [gasps] Mike: [panting] Katherine: [gasps] Mike: [grunting] [thud] Mike: [exhales deeply] Duffy: [panting] Mike: [grunting and gasping] [handcuffs rattle] Mike: [continues grunting] Duffy: [gasps] Mike: [groaning] Duffy: Mikey. Mikey. Mike: Will you hold me? Duffy: Yeah. [crying] Duffy: [grunting] [continues grunting] It's okay. Shh. Shh! [groaning] Duffy: Shh! Mike: [gurgling] Duffy: [exhales deeply] Duffy: [grunting] [gasping] [cell phone beeps] [dialing cell phone, beep] [gasps] [exhales deeply] [line rings] [breathing heavily] [line connects] Woman: 9-1-1. What is your emergency? Duffy: [breathing heavily] I'm not sure where to start. [exhales deeply] [door creaks] [music] Raylan: [clicks tongue] Nice hat. You take that off that dude at the diner? Boon: That one didn't appeal to me. Smelled like patchouli and scared hipster. No. I had this one made custom. And it cost me a pretty penny. Say you like it, though? Raylan: I do. It may be the only thing I like about you right about now. Now, get out of my way. I didn't come here to talk about hats. Boon: [inhales sharply] This is my favorite part. Don't you just love this part? Can hear a goddamn pin drop. Markham: Boon, let him back. Boon: Check my balls right now. Be purple, they're so blue. Raylan: You stay where I can see you. Markham: [laughs] Raylan: I'll be brief. I got a kid in my car who's nervous being this close to the Portal. Markham: I got no idea what you're talking about. Raylan: It's all right. Time comes, you and Earl both can tell it to the judge. The song he's singing about how his brother got dead ... enough to put you away for a good stretch. So, to that end, you are gonna leave off chasing after that money ... you, your shit-heel cop army, anybody else you got involved, and you are definitely gonna abandon any thoughts you got of causing harm to the lady stole it. Markham: You misread my intentions, deputy. I got no cause to engage in that kind of behavior, poison my own well when I'm just starting to feel like I'm... home at last, setting down roots with my lady friend. Raylan: Your lady friend? She and I have long ... for this county, son. County we grew up in. Screwed your only back then. Raylan: You don't know. Markham: Don't know what? Raylan: Mr. Markham, your lady friend is dead as of a half-hour ago. Went pretty badly, as I understand it, in the confines of a motor coach belonging to Wynn Duffy. All this... is on you. As you undertake your grieving, may that guide you, as you contemplate your next move. Gentlemen. [door opens, closes] Raylan: Hey, what you doing back there? You fall asleep? You trying to get me shot? Raylan: You think they're gonna shoot you? sh1t, maybe I should stand away. Earl: [huffs] I-I ... Do we have to do this right here? Raylan: I could haul him in for his threat to you. You know that, right? Earl: Well, then I got to testify against him? Raylan: That is how the justice system works, yes. Earl: Well, the hell with that. That old prick killed my brother. I ain't about to be snitchin' from no witness stand when I could just as easily put a goddamn gun in his mouth later. Raylan: Hey, dumb-ass. Earl: What? Raylan: Talking that way, now I can take you in for the same sh1t. Earl: Well, so do it then. You're just about a stiff-neck little son of a bitch, ain't you? Earl: [sniffs] Yeah, I guess so. Raylan: Yeah. Yeah. [breathes sharply] Earl: So what now? What now? I drop you someplace, call you in as a pick-up for the locals, hope you don't end up in the same jail cell as you were before. Earl: No, no, wait, wait, now, sh1t. Or I could drop you off similarly, only call in the marshal service, put you in P.C., make sure he don't get anywhere near you. How's testifying sound to you now? Hmm? [sighs] He was my brother. He was my only brother. Raylan: I understand. Take your time. [inhales] [sighs] Earl: You know, you asked me earlier if I ever heard anything about what the plan was? Raylan: Mm-hmm. Earl: You know, after, with Boyd and Ava and the money. Raylan: And? Earl: Well, I never heard anything about that, but when they were trying to smuggle that Walker dude out, they ... they mentioned two things ... pig sh1t trucks, and Grubes. Somebody named Grubes. [knock on door] [music] Ava: [softly] Come on. [knock on door] [sighs, chuckles] Guess we wait till he comes back. Zachariah: In this cold? [chuckles] Come on in! Ava: [sighs] [door closes] Zachariah: Damn, what's that stink? Ava: Oh... [coughs, sighs] Zachariah: Grubes? Ava: Oh, no, no, no. No... [yelling] Nooo! [music] [cell phone vibrates, beeps] Raylan: Givens. Art: Tell me you're on your way in. Raylan: Yeah. You got a locator on the car. You'll find a kid in it I picked up. Used to work for Boyd. Just put him in P.C. and give him some good charges on Markham, we pull his head out of the dead long enough to do it. Art: Or you could honor the responsibility that comes with wearing that badge and bring him when you come back here right now like you were ordered. Raylan: No, I'm coming back when I get Boyd or Ava and the money, or all three. Art: [sighs] Are you sure you want to do this? Raylan: [sighs] I don't see as I got a choice. Do you? Art, you see where I got a choice? Art: You got 48 hours, Raylan. That's all I can give you. Raylan: 48 hours, bullshit. Who you got coming after me? Everybody? Art: You got too high an opinion of yourself. Of course, you always have. Everybody's out looking for Boyd. I'll be the one coming after you. [cell phone beeps]

Art comes back from leave to take over Marshal operations in Kentucky. Vasquez questions Raylan and his relationship with Ava, whom he allowed to escape with the money, suggesting they are in cahoots. Later, after Raylan fails to heed instructions to return to Lexington, Art says he'll be coming to bring Raylan in himself. Boyd has been patched up and Raylan offers him opportunity to give up Ava before Avery and Katherine find her, but Boyd is intent on finding her himself. Boyd does suggest that Ava may be getting help from Zachariah, who helps Ava drag the money up to an abandoned mining rescue supply station in the hills. They've already left when the Marshals arrive, hiking to meet Grubes who can lead them across the mountains. However, they arrive to find the hermit long dead. Katherine responds to Mikey's call, but as she talks to Wynn about protecting and avenging ones partner, Mikey realizes there are other codes to follow and has a change of heart. Mikey takes five bullets but still manages to kill Katherine with his bare hands, passing Wynn the handcuff keys and asking Wynn to hold him as he collapses and dies. Avery pays-off the jail guards to visit Carl and Earl, arranging Carl's release on a mission to kill Boyd under threat of Earl's life. One of Avery's crooked cops gets Carl into Boyd's hospital room where Carl interrogates Boyd with a gun to his head, but becomes convinced Boyd is his best chance of saving his brother and getting out clear. After getting uncuffed from his hospital bed and into the lawman's uniform, Boyd shoots Carl dead to cause a diversion and escape. Learning that Carl failed, Avery gets Earl released as well but Raylan arrives in time to thwart the crooked cops. Raylan drives Earl to the Pizza Portal and threatens Avery's testimony in Carl's death for Avery to abandon any further efforts to reclaim the money or harm Ava, while also encouraging Earl to agree to testify that he might benefit from protective custody. Earl tells Raylan about Grubes, and Raylan heads into the hills leaving the Marshals to pick up Earl. Boon continues to threaten and intimidate Loretta.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_03x17

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_03x17_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - LATE DAY] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY - LATE DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE - LATE DAY] (People are eating at the local grille.) (ELAINE ALCOTT walks out of the restroom.) (HANK PEDDIGREW sits at a table.) (Friends wave to each other from their tables in front of the large picture glass windows.) (FRED LYCHOCK, the Restaurant Manager, smiles at the waiter. He turns and sees a car heading toward the restaurant at a fast speed. He stops smiling and watches the car.) (The car doesn't stop at the light, nor does it turn. It continues through the intersection and straight for the windows. The Restaurant Manager takes note of it and watches the car approach the windows, helpless to do anything.) (The waiter drops the tray he's carrying, his eyes fixed on the speeding car. The beer glasses hit the floor and shatters.) (The car crosses the sidewalk and heads straight for the glass windows.) (The car hits the windows and doesn't stop. The people sitting at the tables in front of the windows crash to the floor. The car plows through the windows, tables and people.) (Patrons scream as they dive to get out of the way of the speeding car.) (The car crashes through the establishments' tables. The waiter hits his head against the car's windshield, blood spattering across the glass.) (The driver hits the car horn and it blares.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE -- NIGHT] (The woman driver is slumped against the steering wheel. Fire personnel use a crowbar to get the door open.) (It's raining outside. GRISSOM, SARA and CATHERINE walk in to the restaurant through the broken glass windows. Emergency personnel cart away survivors on gurneys. ELAINE ALCOTT is on the gurney, her neck in a brace, as it passes the CSIs.) (BRASS speaks to someone on his cell phone as the CSI's make their way toward him.) Brass: (to phone) Yeah, yeah. No. All right. Yeah, hold on, hold on. (puts phone aside) Happy hour. Joint was packed. Two fatalities, four critical. (BRASS pushes his way past them. CATHERINE stops him.) Catherine: How about the driver? (BRASS turns around to answer her.) Brass: Non-responsive. (BRASS heads out. Behind, we hear HANK PEDDIGREW giving instructions.) Hank Peddigrew: (b.g.) I've got a GCS of three. I need to intubate. (SARA turns around and sees HANK working on an injured patron on a gurney.) Catherine: (to GRISSOM) That's Sara's boyfriend. Hank Peddigrew: (looks up) Hey, Sara. Typical Thursday. (SARA looks around and notices his injury.) Sara: Hank? Your wrist is broken. (HANK looks down at his wrist as if noticing it for the first time. He stops trying to intubate the patron.) Hank Peddigrew: Larry, take over, will you? Larry: I got it, Hank. [SCENE_BREAK] (The Fireman gets the car door open with the crowbar.) Grissom: The car's dry. This must've happened right before the rain. (The Fireman checks out the old woman driver.) [SCENE_BREAK] (HANK assists LARRY as he intubates the patron.) Sara: What happened? Hank Peddigrew: I was sitting at the table. Next thing I knew ... Fireman: (b.g.) I got a heartbeat! (HANK looks up and rushes to give aid. He hurries past SARA and heads for the car.) Hank Peddigrew: Excuse me. (He runs past CATHERINE and GRISSOM. They both watch him as he pushes the Fireman aside to check on the old woman driver.) Catherine: Some happy hour, huh? Grissom: I think happy hour's over. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE - NIGHT] (It's dark and still raining outside. The EMT and other Personnel are still processing the scene.) (GRISSOM is on his cell phone looking into the car. CATHERINE takes pictures.) (LARRY is sitting down in front of HANK, attending to his broken wrist.) Sara: (to LARRY) Mind if I take over? Larry: No, go ahead. (LARRY stands up and SARA takes his place. She sits in front of HANK and continues to tape up his wrist.) Sara: You okay? Hank Peddigrew: Yeah. I didn't think I'd see you tonight. Sara: (smiling) So that's what all this is about. Hank Peddigrew: Thanks. Sara: Any time. Hank Peddigrew: Listen, I got to head over to the hospital, and I'm sure you got to get back to work. Sara: Yeah, but ... will you call me if you need anything? My cell will be on. Anything. (SARA and HANK stand. HANK leaves. SARA turns around and walks toward GRISSOM.) Grissom: You and Catherine are running the evidence on this. Warrick just got done with Internal Affairs. He's on his way. Sara: Okay. Grissom: You need to talk to the Restaurant Manager, too. Sara: Anything else? Grissom: No. Sara: Where are you going? Grissom: I got gas. Sara: (nods, but is still confused) Oh. (GRISSOM takes a step past SARA, stops, and explains over her shoulder.) Grissom: Residential gas leak in Henderson. (GRISSOM leaves. SARA heads for FRED LYCHOCK, The Restaurant Manager who is finishing up with a PARAMEDIC.) Sara: Are you the Restaurant Manager? Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): Yes. Sara: I'm Sara Sidle, Crime Lab. (SARA holds out her hand. FRED LYCHOCK gets to his feet and extends his hand to grab hers, but stops when he sees she's still wearing latex gloves.) Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): Oh, hi. Fred Lychock. Ooh, sorry. Um ... your supervisor asked for a seating chart. (He unrolls the chart for SARA to look at.) Everything's computerized - software program. This here'll show you the number of people per table. (SARA takes the chart and looks at it.) Sara: Where were you during the crash? Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): I was at the register, behind the bar. Sara: Did you see anything? Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): A blurry jaguar speeding through the intersection. (Quick flashback to the car speeding head-on toward the glass windows. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Fred Lychock (restaurant manager): I thought the car would slow down, but it kept right on coming. If you ask me, that's the reason why old people don't belong behind the wheel. Sara: Yeah, I didn't ask you. Thanks for your time. (SARA walks away from FRED LYCHOCK and heads toward CATHERINE who is examining the car.) Sara: I'm sorry. I got wrapped up in ... Catherine: Hank. Sara: Yeah. (SARA kneels and looks inside the car.) An old jaguar with a GPS unit. That's strange. Catherine: Yeah, not your granny's oldsmobile. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RESIDENTIAL AREA -- NIGHT] Grissom (prelap): (V.O.) We're cleared to go in? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] Lockwood: Yeah. Gas company shut off the valve at the street. Paramedics aired out the scene. (LOCKWOOD escorts GRISSOM and NICK into the residence to the dead body.) Nick: Homicide radioed in a D.B.? Lockwood: Vanessa Arnz. She's in the master bedroom next to the son's room. Grissom: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - HALLWAY/BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and NICK make their way toward the master bedroom where the dead body is located. They walk through the hallway.) Grissom: The gas company spikes its natural gas with mercaptan - smells like rotten eggs. Nick: I don't smell anything. Grissom: All's I smell is mothballs and stale tobacco. (NICK looks into the son's room.) Nick: Science geek. (He looks back at GRISSOM and smiles.) Takes one to know one, I guess. (He turns and they both head into the master bedroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and NICK enter the master bedroom. On the bed is VANESSA ARNZ. DAVID PHILLIPS is already inside with the dead body.) Grissom: Hello, David. David Phillips: Hey. She's hot pink, like a maraschino. Grissom: Makes our job easier. David Phillips: Death was not the result of natural gas inhalation. Grissom: No, but carbon monoxide's still gas. Nick: Right, when carbon monoxide displaces oxygen in the blood, victim asphyxiates, turns ... pink. (Quick flashback to: VANESSA ARNZ is sleeping and inhaling gas. Her skin slowly turns pink. End of flashback. Return to present.) (NICK moves to get a closer look at the dead body.) Grissom: Was Mr. Arnz in bed with her? David Phillips: Uh, yeah. Paramedics said they found them both in here. Grissom: So why is she dead and he's alive? (NICK looks up at GRISSOM. DAVID turns and looks at NICK. NICK stands up and explains the answer to DAVID.) Nick: You know, Dave, when I was a CSI-1, I would've tried to answer that, but now I know "where" before "why." First step, find the source of the C.O. I'll grab the nighthawk, fire it up. (NICK leaves the room. GRISSOM looks down at the body. LOCKWOOD appears in the doorway.) Lockwood: Mr. Arnz has been stabilized. They're preparing him for transport. Grissom: I want to take a look at him. David Phillips: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and LOCKWOOD question MR. ARNZ. The paramedics are still checking him out.) Mr. Arnz: I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, if I get cold. Vanessa steals the covers. Uh, I woke up and my head was spinning. I think I'm coming down with something. Then I look over at her ... (Quick flashback to: MR. and MRS. ARNZ is in bed. MR. ARNZ wakes up gasping. He reaches over to check on his wife.) Mr. Arnz: Vanessa. (He realizes that she's not breathing. He reaches for the phone and dials 911.) Mr. Arnz: (to the OPERATOR) Tell them my wife isn't breathing. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Lockwood: Do you remember anything else? Mr. Arnz: No, I don't remember hanging up the phone. I must've passed out. Next thing I know the paramedics are taking me out. (GRISSOM turns and notices the young man leaning against the car in the garage. He presumes this is the son.) Paramedic: We got to roll. Patient will be at Desert Palm. Mr. Arnz: Wait a minute. What about my boy? Paramedic: Peter seems fine. The kid's 18. Signed an AMA. (GRISSOM heads toward PETER ARNZ to talk with him. He ducks under the crime tape and stops in front of PETER ARNZ.) [INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - GARAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] Grissom: Peter ... my name's Gil Grissom. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Peter Arnz: You want to ask me questions. I was in my bedroom, asleep. I heard the doorbell. It was the paramedics. A few minutes later, the police showed up. Grissom: I'm very sorry about what happened to your mother. Peter Arnz: Why are you sorry? You're not responsible. You didn't know her. You don't know me. (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY/WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT] (SARA walks through the hallway. She passes by a young man sitting outside waiting. She stops in front of the GUARD standing outside the room of the old woman who drove the car.) Sara: How's she doing? Guard: Doctors are working on her right now. Doesn't look good. (Looking inside the room, SARA notices the old woman in the hospital bed and the medical personnel working on her. She turns her head toward the young man sitting outside in the hallway.) Sara: Relative? Guard: Driver's been I.D.'d as Diane Lambert, that's her grandson Corey. (SARA walks up to COREY LAMBERT.) Sara: Hi, Corey? I'm, uh, Sara Sidle. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Mind if I ask you a couple questions? Corey Lambert: I don't even know why she was in Las Vegas. We live in Laughlin. She hates it here. Sara: Corey, um... did your grandmother own a Jaguar? Corey Lambert: Yeah ... (sniffles) ... yeah, she won it in the, uh, quarter slots. First two coins and bingo. Triple stars. Sara: She also win the GPS? Corey Lambert: No. (beat) She hadn't been driving it much. (SARA notices HANK in the waiting room kneeling in front of a woman in a wheelchair.) Corey Lambert: Uh, she got lost a couple times and it scared her, so for her birthday last month, I bought her the unit. Sara: (smiles) Can you excuse me for a second? Corey Lambert: Yeah. (SARA walks away from the young man and heads toward HANK in the waiting room. The nurse wheels the young woman away.) Sara: Hey. (HANK looks up and sees SARA. He stands up.) Hank Peddigrew: Hey. Sara: "And the EMT of the year award goes to ..." Hank Peddigrew: Not me. Death toll's now three. Could climb to four. Elaine- - the girl in the wheelchair -- she's one of the lucky ones. Sara: You were amazing. Hank Peddigrew: Eight years in the rig, first time I've actually been a part of the scene. I can't stop it going through my head. Sara: Yeah, you never know when your life's going to change. Hank Peddigrew: Listen, I ... I got to get out of here. (HANK moves to pass SARA. She grabs his hands to stop him.) Sara: You need a lift? Hank Peddigrew: No, I drove. (HANK turns to leave. SARA stops him.) Sara: Hank? (He turns around.) I'm really glad you're okay. Hank Peddigrew: (smiles) Thanks. (HANK turns and walks away. Camera holds on SARA watching HANK leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE - STREET -- NIGHT] (WARRICK and CATHERINE do a walk through of the car route into the restaurant. They examine the street.) Warrick: Plenty of tire treads, but nothing looks fresh. Catherine: So you going to tell me how it went? Warrick: I got called in by Internal Affairs. How do you think it went? Too many questions. (To the officer who lifts the crime tape up for them.) Thanks. (to CATHERINE) I wish I could've pleaded the fifth. Catherine: Yeah, you don't answer their questions, you're looking at more days off without pay, and that blows. Warrick: Yeah. (He looks up and sees something.) It's a red light camera. Did any of the witnesses see the driver run the red light? Catherine: Nobody mentioned it, but the camera's there. Big brother knows. Warrick: I'll put in a call. (CATHERINE notices a dark puddle on the curb.) Catherine: Motor oil. Warrick: Now, that looks fresh. (Quick flashback to: Camera close up of the curb as the car accelerates, hits it and leaves a puddle of motor oil behind. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Hitting the curb could've caused the car to buck. (CATHERINE turns around to look straight down the street.) (Quick flashback to: A ghost of the car accelerates straight toward CATHERINE. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Traffic light, intersection, curb. Well, either the car wasn't working, or the driver wasn't. (WARRICK turns around and heads inside the restaurant. CATHERINE shines her flashlight on the ground and notices a void where something should be.) Catherine: Looks like the newspaper dispenser used to be here. (Quick flashback to: The speeding car jumps the curb and takes out the newspaper dispenser before crashing into the window. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Inside the restaurant, WARRICK notices something on the ground.) Warrick: Catherine. (He points it out to CATHERINE.) Tire treads. That kills one theory. Car's brakes must've been working. Catherine: She tried to stop, but it was too late. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DOC ROBBINS goes over the preliminary findings with SARA. They both stand over DIANE LAMBERT'S body.) Robbins: Let me guess: No air bags in the vehicle. Sara: No. Robbins: Preliminary cause of death, epidural hematoma. Her head impacted the steering wheel. (Quick flashback to: The car jerks to a stop and DIANE LAMBERT'S head hits the steering wheel. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: Blood accumulated between the inner table of the skull and the dural membrane. (ROBBINS points to the impact wound on DIANE LAMBERT'S head. Camera zooms up close to the wound to the breakage in the scalp and hair. Camera zooms through the wound and into the brain where we see the artery. The artery break and blood leaks out.) Robbins: (V.O.) Her injury is consistent with a severed middle meningeal artery. (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Sara: What about pre-impact? At the risk of feeding a stereotype, she was 72. Any indication of stroke, Alzheimer's, heart attack? Robbins: I considered and dismissed all age-related factors. No arthritis, no significant impairment of her senses. She has had part of her colon removed, probably due to injury or prior medical condition, but Sara, it's irrelevant to your case. I found no physiological explanation for the crash. Sara: Well, that's a bummer, 'cause at this point, we got no forensic one, either. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT] (Camera opens close up on the Nighthawk Carbon Monoxide Alarm that NICK is holding to check on the Carbon Monoxide levels in the bedroom. LOCKWOOD is with him. The detector beeps steadily.) Nick: Carbon monoxide fills the air when any carbon-based substance is ignited. The kid checks out, so ... the point of ignition's probably this room. Lockwood: Now, the two most common causes of accidental household CO poisonings are: unvented space heaters and improperly maintained chimneys. I don't see any heaters. (Using the tip, NICK turns to look at the bedroom fireplace.) Lockwood: (explains) My dad's a fireman. Last Christmas, he gave all the kids C.O. Detectors. (Immediately, the beeping picks up.) Nick: Would've saved this woman's life. 25 parts per million. That's the highest reading in the room. (NICK puts his kit down, takes out his flashlight and checks out the fireplace closely.) Nick: This is a natural gas burning fireplace. Burns clean. C.O. fumes should be minimal at best. (In the back of the fireplace on the ground, he finds some black rocks.) Nick: Foreign substance. Still warm. (Camera zooms in to show a close up of the black rock.) Nick: There was something other than natural gas burning in here. Lockwood: If the gas company hadn't shut off the gas, whatever that is probably would have burned up. Nick: Chimneys are designed to funnel smoke up and out ... if this fire was the source of the CO, the fumes should've traveled up the chimney instead of permeating the room. Lockwood: Unless the chimney isn't doing its job. (NICK reaches up and checks the chimney.) Nick: Damper's busted. (Quick CGI flashback to: The fire in the fireplace burns, the heat and fumes close the damper causing the fumes to funnel back into the room. End of CGI flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Foreign fuel source in a compromised chimney ... I think we just ruled out accident. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- NIGHT] (GREG exits his lab, crosses the hallway and enters the audio-visual lab where SARA'S working.) Greg: Hey, I hear you're working on Hank's case. Sara: I believe it's my case. (Leans in and rests his elbows on the table next to SARA.) Greg: Territorial. You know, guys don't like that. Sara: You're crowding me, Greg. Greg: Well, I have some information that could bring us even closer. (beat) (He stands up.) But you first. What are we looking at? Sara: I downloaded the memory from the GPS in the jaguar. She wasn't a local; I wanted to see if she got lost. Greg: Well, did she? Sara: Diane Lambert lives in Laughlin. (SARA stands up and heads to the large wall monitor) Sara: Excuse me. (Using her finger, she "draws" the path on the monitor.) Sara: She took 95 North to Summerlin parkway. Then she took parkway to Rampart, made a left on main street and headed straight to Meadows Lane -- 16 North Meadows Lane. That's where she was going, and that's where she ended up. Greg: So does that thing tell you why? Sara: What do you have, Greg? Greg: Well, maybe she had the "munchies". Tox screen came back. Mrs. Lambert tested positive for cannabis sativa. Sara: Grass? Greg: (laughing, enjoying himself) "Grass"? So '70s, man. Sticky green, the dank, the chronic, the cush, happy stick, wacky-tobaccy ... Sara: Well, wait, wait, wait. Grandma was high? Greg: (smiling) Yeah. Sara: Grandma was high ... (Putting two fingers to his lips as if taking a drag off of a joint, GREG inhales.) Greg: ... as a kite. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (SARA walks back into the Autopsy room. ROBBINS is working at the scope.) Sara: Hey. Robbins: Return visit, huh? You're here about the tox screen. Sara: Yeah. Was Diane Lambert legally impaired? Robbins: Less than two nanograms of THC, so per nida, she wasn't. Sara: Oh. But if she were a long time user, her reaction time could've been slowed down, right? (He lifts his head and stands up. They both head up to the morgue units.) Robbins: I know where you're going. Let me stop you. THC has no significant cumulative effect, so maybe the question is: Why was a woman her age doping up? (He opens the cabinet and pulls out the table with DIANE LAMBERT.) Sara: Okay, why was a woman her age doping up? (ROBBINS hands the scope to SARA.) Robbins: Tell you what-check out her optic nerve. (Quick CGI POV through the scope and down through the eye to show the nerve. End of CGI POV.) Sara: Nerve's damaged. (SARA stands up and looks at ROBBINS.) She had glaucoma. I thought you said she was in good health. Robbins: That was before the tox screen came back. You know, it's not standard procedure to check for glaucoma, but the mary jane tipped me off. People think it slows the progression of the disease, but it just reduces the pressure in the eye and that reduction's only temporary. Prescription medications do a much better job. (beat) Unfortunately, they don't have the same side effects. Sara: Her vision could've been impaired by the glaucoma. Robbins: (insistent) It didn't affect her driving. Sara, Diana Lambert has nothing more to tell you. (ROBBINS covers DIANE LAMBERT up and pushes the table back into the cabinet.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (CATHERINE is going through the seating chart up on the monitor. By touching the chairs, a DMV picture of the patron pops up on the monitor.) (She presses the bartender position and the picture/information pops up for Taylor Ziegler of Paradise Valley, NV, the Checkerbox Bartender. She closes the pop up box.) (She reaches over and presses the chair for one of the patrons. The picture/information pops up for Cameron Black from Trenton, NJ, deceased.) (SARA walks into the lab.) Sara: Hello. Catherine: Oh, hey. So, I got photos of the restaurant patrons off the DMV database and input the information per the restaurant seating chart and the police report. (As she speaks, CATHERINE presses the seats for several people one after the other, the last two being for HANK PEDDIGREW and for ELAINE ALCOTT from Henderson, NV; employer: Sillmont Healthcare.) (CATHERINE turns to look at SARA.) Catherine: Who's Elaine Alcott? Sara: Who? Catherine: Oh, well, she was seated with Hank. I just thought maybe that ... SARA: Oh. (SARA leans in to the computer on the table and looks at the picture of ELAINE ALCOTT. She closes the pop up box for ELAINE and opens the box for HANK. She closes the pop up box for HANK and re-opens the box for ELAINE.) Catherine: Anyway, um ... apparently, she told P.D. that she was returning from the ladies' room at the time of the impact. Sara: They must be friends. I saw him with her at the hospital. Catherine: Okay. (CATHERINE looks down at her clipboard.) Catherine: Um ... okay, so, we've got 36 people in the restaurant. Twelve worked for Sillmont Healthcare, a block away. Another ten were from the brokerage firm across the street, a couple of regulars, a few out-of-towners and restaurant employees. (WARRICK walks into the lab.) Warrick: Do you know how long it takes to get in touch with anybody at the transportation safety bureau? It's way out of hand. Diane Lambert ran the light. (CATHERINE looks at the photo from the traffic light. The information on the photo is: 0.50 R009 008 V=52 ] Catherine: Wow. She sped through that intersection -- 52 miles per hour. Sara: That's more than twice the speed limit. Warrick: Well, the tread marks tell us that her brakes did work, so it must've been something else that malfunctioned, causing her to accelerate. Sara: Gas pedal could've gotten stuck, or ... throttle plate could've jammed. Catherine: There's only one way to find out. (SARA stands up to leave the lab.) Sara: I'm on it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (SARA is on a dolly under the car. She examines the car.) (Cut to SARA taking a sample from under the hood.) (Dissolve to SARA checking the engine out.) (Dissolve to SARA still checking the engine.) [SCENE_BREAK] (WARRICK walks into the garage. SARA is standing on top of the ladder and looks at him. She has a large oil smudge under her left eye.) Warrick: Hey. You have, uh ... (WARRICK motions to SARA'S cheek. She rubs the area but doesn't get the smudge out. WARRICK waves it aside.) Warrick: Don't worry about it. How's it going? You find anything? Sara: No. Car checks out perfectly. Warrick: Well, I did some more digging down at the TSB. I found out that the red light camera that photo'd our driver catches four times as many violators as any other camera in Vegas. Sara: (thoughtfully) Intersection's dangerous. (beat) Could be a death trap. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (HODGES looks through the scope. NICK walks in to the lab. He stops next to HODGES.) Hodges: I didn't page you. Nick: No, I just figured I'd come by. (HODGES picks up his things and puts them away.) Hodges: You're checking up on me again. Nick: No, I'm checking upon my evidence. (NICK walks to the printer.) Hodges: You think if you hover, the FTIR will work faster? Nick: Yeah ... Hodges, that's what I think. (GRISSOM walks into the lab reading a file. HODGES perks up and walks toward GRISSOM.) Hodges: Hey, boss. (The printer starts to print the results.) Hodges: Nice timing. (HODGES reaches out to grab the paper. NICK grabs the paper from him and looks at it.) Nick: The foreign substance in the fireplace is carbon. Grissom: Associated minerals? Nick: None. Pure unadulterated carbon. (NICK hands the results to GRISSOM to look at.) Hodges: It may be pure, but it's not solid. Micro-pores. Sample's under the scope. (NICK turns to move to the scope table, HODGES gets in his way and blocks his path. GRISSOM moves to the scope and looks at the sample inside.) (NICK moves to stand next to GRISSOM. He casts a glance at HODGES.) (Cut to scope view of the charcoal. At a higher magnification, he can see the pores in the rock.) Grissom: Activated charcoal? Nick: Used in filtration systems, kitty litter, some medications ... (GRISSOM looks up.) Grissom: ... and possibly a murder. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. INTERSECTION OUTSIDE THE CHECKERBOX BAR & GRILLE -- DAY] (It's raining outside. SARA and WARRICK stand under the umbrella and look at the building.) Warrick: The building has mirrored glass on it. Lets in the light, but it keeps out the glare. (SARA turns around to look at the road and the trees behind them.) Sara: Sun sets in the west behind us. Glare could be pretty intense in the afternoon. (WARRICK also turns to look. They both turn back to look at the building.) This could explain why this intersection is so dangerous. Warrick: So you think the sun was a factor in the crash? (SARA looks at her notes.) Sara: Well, according to the accident report, the sun set at 5:30 yesterday. Warrick: The accident was at 5:15, so the sun was still in the sky. (SARA turns around to look at the trees behind them.) Sara: Trees and buildings extend at least ten degrees above the western horizon. Warrick: Yeah. (They turn to look at the building again while they figure it out.) All right, well, there's 24 hours in a day, 360 degrees in the earth's rotation. 360 divided by 24 is ... 15? Sara: 15. Sun moves about 15 degrees an hour. (SARA looks at the building and begins to visualize the path the sun took the day before.) (The sunlight off of her face burns brighter as she visualizes the sun on a clear day.) (Cut to: The building in front of them reflects the sun as it travels during the day. The sun slowly sinks to the horizon.) (Cut to: SARA continues to visualize the sun setting. The sun traveling downward reflects off of her sunglasses.) (Cut to: The sun continues to set and is reflected in the building's mirrored glass.) (Cut to: The sun's light off of SARA's face returns back to normal as she figures it out.) Sara: At 5:15 yesterday, the sun would've been about what -- 3.75 degrees above the horizon? (WARRICK throws SARA a glance.) Warrick: Wow, you're fast. 3.75, huh? (WARRICK glances behind him.) Then the sun was behind the trees at the time of the accident, so it was not a factor. Sara: Great, and our investigation is still in the dark. (SARA turns to look at WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG sits at his lab table listening to rock music blaring from his tape machine. GRISSOM and NICK walk into the lab. GRISSOM turns the music off. GREG looks up.) Grissom: I just got a page from James Watson. Nick: And I got one Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg? Greg: Well, as you both know ... Watson and Crick are the grand-daddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day. Nick: What have you been doing all day? Greg: A tox report on your D.B., Ms. Pretty in pink. She died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Blood saturation level of 46.2%. No surprise there. Nicotine levels are high -- she was a smoker. And she popped a couple of sleeping pills that night. Grissom: Nothing probative. Greg: What if I told you that Mr. Arnz had a carbon monoxide blood saturation level of 37% -- nearly 10% lower than his wife. Grissom: Mrs. Arnz was a smoker. Typically, a smoker's blood is already 10% saturated with C.O. Nick: You mean smokers get a jump start on the poisoning process? Could explain the 10% difference. It could also explain why he lived and she died. Greg: Nice theory, but what if I told you that Mr. Arnz had high nicotine levels as well. Nick: They were both smokers. Grissom: That still doesn't explain why one lived and one died. Greg: Well, I don't know if this is going to help, but the sleeping pills are zolpidem. Prescription only. I thought I'd save you some time, talked to Lockwood. She didn't have a prescription, but her husband does. Grissom: Thanks, Greg. (GRISSOM and NICK turn to leave the lab. NICK turns the tape recorder back on before he leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY] (CATHERINE works on the computers on which she duplicates the car crashing through the restaurant scenario. SARA walks in.) Catherine: Hey, check this out. The red light camera clocked her speed at 52 miles per hour, right? Sara: Mm-hmm. Catherine: The computer software pegged her at 60 by the time she hits the newspaper dispenser. She accelerated into the building. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (SARA and ROBBINS walks into the autopsy room.) Robbins: You already reviewed the driver's tox screen. Now you want her basic blood panel. Sara: I'm running with a hunch. Robbins: Let's go. (He hands her the file with the test results. The report reads that acetylocholine levels are low at 11.8; and epinephrine was high at 147.) Sara: Acetylcholine levels were low, epinephrine was high. Robbins: Why are you focused on those hormones? Sara: Kamikaze pilots, World War II -- their blood work was very unusual. Acetylcholine was low; epinephrine was through the roof. Robbins: Well, you're talking about the sympathetic response to stress-eyes dialate, heart rate goes up, hormones go haywire. Sara: Diane Lambert lived two hours away. If she drove her car into Vegas with the intention of using it as a murder weapon, I imagine she would be pretty stressed out. Robbins: Kamikaze granny. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STORE -- DAY] (GRISSOM and NICK walk into the ARNZ' store. The door bell jingles when they open the front door.) (GRISSOM looks for and finds PETER ARNZ sitting at the desk reading a book.) Grissom: Isaac Asimov-- one of my favorite writers. "If knowledge can create problems, then it is not through ignorance that we will solve them." Peter Arnz: Is that what you're doing here? Solving problems? Grissom: It's my job to figure out what happened to your mother. (PETER ARNZ dog ears the book he's reading, closes the book and turns his full attention to GRISSOM.) Peter Arnz: Scientists derive satisfaction from figuring out the puzzle. It's about the quest ... not the grail. (GRISSOM picks up the book in front of him by Isaac Asimov.) Peter Arnz: Asimov believed that only scientists could understand the universe. His corollary: "It's not so much that I have confidence in scientists being right ..." Grissom: ... "but that I have so much confidence in non-scientists being wrong." You a scientist? Peter Arnz: Yeah. I am. Mr. Arnz: Peter? The boxes won't unload themselves. (GRISSOM turns to glance back at MR. ARNZ. PETER stands up to unload the boxes. GRISSOM turns back to look at MR. ARNZ.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STORE -- DAY] (NICK and GRISSOM question MR. ARNZ.) Mr. Arnz: Peter and I were hoping to get back into the house tonight. Nick: Well, not tonight, sir. It's still an active crime scene. Our lab found zolpidem in your wife's system -- 20 milligrams. That's twice the recommended dosage. Do you know anything about that? Mr. Arnz: Well ... Vanessa was having trouble sleeping. Grissom: The, uh, prescription is in your name. Mr. Arnz: Are you accusing me of something? Grissom: No. We're just telling you what we know. (MR. ARNZ looks around and sighs.) Mr. Arnz: Look, uh ... ever since this discount chain opened a branch down the block, I've been working 16-hour days just trying to survive. And I'd go home and Vanessa would come at me. (Quick flashback to: VANESSA ARNZ sitting up in bed and talking to MR. ARNZ' back.) Vanessa Arnz: You're always tired. You never talk to me. Y-you need to communicate with me. You know, I have needs. I'm here all day long. You never talk to me. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mr. Arnz: She'd just go on and on and on talking. And when she'd finally let me get to sleep, she'd want what every woman wants. I-I don't mean just s*x. She'd want to talk and talk. (sighs) Next thing you know, it's 5:00 A.M., The alarm is screaming at me, and I got to go back to work. Nick: So you drugged your wife to get some shut-eye? Mr. Arnz: Yeah. I put it in her ice cream. I know it was wrong, but ... Nick: It's also illegal. Mr. Arnz: Yeah. Happened as an accident the first time. See, I got a problem swallowing pills, so I crush them up in the ice cream. One night, she grabbed the wrong bowl and was out like a light. Best night's sleep I'd had in a long time. Well, if you ... you got nothing else you want to ask, I got things I got to do. Grissom: I have one more question. When did you quit smoking? I noticed the, uh, nicotine patch on your arm. (GRISSOM points to the patch on MR. ARNZ' left upper arm.) Mr. Arnz: Oh, uh, about three weeks. Doctor's orders. I got high blood pressure. Nick: I have another question. Did you know the damper on your chimney was busted? Mr. Arnz: Why, did this have something to do with my wife's death? I mean, I asked Peter if he'd ... (sighs) is this my fault? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (SARA and CATHERINE make their way to the audio/visual lab.) Sara: If the crash was intentional, I'm thinking either the restaurant was the target or someone inside the restaurant. Catherine: I'll call Brass. If Lambert had a grudge against the place, somebody there should know her. [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB - DAY - CONTINUOUS] Sara: If she was gunning for someone specific, there's a lot of variables. Maybe we should start with the most obvious targets -- the people sitting in the window. Catherine: Let's run it. (CATHERINE and SARA stand in front of the wall monitor with the seating chart loaded.) Catherine: Okay ... top to bottom. (CATHERINE opens the first box.) Cameron Black, deceased; from Jersey. First time in Vegas. Unlikely mark. (SARA reaches up and closes the box. She checks the identities of the people sitting at the second table.) Sara: Second table: Rachel Krandall, and ... Tom Krandall. Both died at the scene. Both worked for Sillmont Healthcare. Catherine: Table three: Hank and ... Elaine Alcott. Also works at the insurance company. Sara: Three out of five of the people sitting in the window work at Sillmont Healthcare. Maybe I should go talk to her. Catherine: (nods quietly) Yeah. Maybe you should. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ALCOTT RESIDENCE -- DAY] (Camera opens on a file picture of DIANE LAMBERT.) Elaine Alcott: (o.s.) I'm sorry, I don't recognize her. (SARA is interviewing ELAINE ALCOTT.) Sara: Well, uh, could she be one of your policy holders? Elaine Alcott: It's possible. I oversee hundreds of members' accounts. I can check my list. Sara: That'd be great. (ELAINE stands up from the table and checks her laptop.) Elaine Alcott: I wish I had some more time off, but with Tom Krandall gone and half my department in the hospital ... I'm back at the office tomorrow. Let's see ... Diane Lambert. (As ELAINE checks the database, SARA notices a small framed photograph of ELAINE and HANK on the table. SARA picks it up. ELAINE notices the movement and smiles.) Elaine Alcott: (smiling) My boyfriend. Saved up my miles and took him to Hawaii last year. He's going to take me to Tahiti in a few weeks. I can't wait. (SARA puts the picture down.) Ms. Lambert isn't on my list. But if you want, I can go on the company database. Sara: (upset and trying not to show it) Thank you. Um, I-I have to get back to the lab. Um, maybe you could call me. (SARA holds out her business card. ELAINE takes it.) Elaine Alcott: Okay. (SARA stands up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS RESIDENTIAL AREA (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARNZ RESIDENCE - HALLWAY/PETER'S ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks through the hallway straight up to PETER ARNZ' room. He kneels and looks at the fishtank in the room. He opens the fishtank cover, rolls up his sleeve and takes out the filter. He looks at the filer. He puts it back inside the tank.) (PETER ARNZ appears in the hallway and walks up to GRISSOM.) Grissom: You're not supposed to be in here. Peter Arnz: It's my home. Grissom: Well, perhaps you didn't see the crime scene tape. Peter Arnz: Do I look stupid to you? Grissom: On the contrary. I heard you have an almost perfect 4.0 GPA. With the exception of a "B" in English. Our detectives do complete background searches on all the principles at a crime scene. I understand you threatened your English teacher. Peter Arnz: I have to feed my fish. (PETER steps up to the fishtank.) Peter Arnz: Clown loaches, tetras, angelfish. (PETER opens the fish foot container.) Grissom: (looking at PETER) You might want to check your filter, too. You're out of charcoal. (PETER turns to look at GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM and NICK question PETER ARNZ.) Grissom: In 1939, Isaac Asimov was an undergraduate studying zoology. As part of a course requirement, the students were asked to find a stray cat, kill it and dissect it. Isaac found his cat, he killed it, and then he promptly dropped out of zoology. Fifty years later, he wrote that the memory of killing that cat still haunted him. Peter Arnz: Do you have a question for me? Grissom: Yeah, I do. Why didn't you fix the chimney damper in your parents' bedroom? Peter Arnz: Why would I? Nick: You told your father you fixed it. Peter Arnz: So he'd quit bugging me. And if you're accusing me of disobeying a man with only a tenth-grade education, then you're right. Nick: We know you took advantage of the broken damper. Placed activated charcoal from your fish tank filter in the back of the fireplace... (Quick flashback to: PETER ARNZ dropping the charcoal into the back of the fireplace.) Nick: (V.O.) ... then waited for your father to do what he does every night. (Cut to: MR. ARNZ lighting up the fireplace while VANESSA ARNZ eats her ice cream in bed.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: You killed your mother. You almost killed your father. Peter Arnz: That's good science fiction. Nick: Well, you thought the charcoal would burn up, destroying any evidence of the crime, but your father woke up, called 911. Grissom: (thoughtfully) Nick, at what point is the saturation level of carbon monoxide in the bloodstream lethal? Nick: Approximately 45, 50%. Grissom: (nods) Mmm. Well, his mother's level was in the range, but his father's level was low. (PETER ARNZ is fascinated by the level of intellectual bantering going on between NICK and GRISSOM in front of him.) Nick: Yeah, but two people exposed to the same level of carbon monoxide for the same period of time, their C.O. saturation levels should be approximate. Peter Arnz: (interjects) As long as the variables are consistent -- body mass, health, age. Grissom: What about smoking? Peter Arnz: Of course. Nick: Three weeks ago, your father quit. (PETER ARNZ gives them a blank look. He doesn't respond. GRISSOM picks up on it immediately.) Grissom: Yeah, we didn't know he'd quit, either. The nicotine levels in his system were high but when we went to speak with him, he was wearing a nicotine patch. Nick: The patch delivers nicotine to the blood, but since your father quit smoking cigarettes, his C.O. saturation level returned to zero. Grissom: You made a basic scientific mistake, Peter. You stopped observing the human element because you thought it was inferior. Nick: What I don't understand is why. Man, why would you want to kill your parents? Your high school told us you were accepted to Princeton, early action. A few more months, you would've been 2,000 miles away. Whatever your parents did to piss you off wouldn't have mattered. (GRISSOM thinks about it.) Grissom: I know why. They weren't going to let you go, were they? (He swallows.) Peter Arnz: (quietly) They refused to pay for it. I don't qualify for financial aid because my father makes too much money. Not enough money to live well, but enough to destroy my dreams. Nick: So with your parents gone, you could sell the business and pay your tuition. Peter Arnz: You figured out the puzzle. Must be very gratifying. Grissom: Science isn't about the gratification, Peter. It's about the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA walks into the lab. CATHERINE is already there.) Sara: Hey. Catherine: Hey. (SARA sits down and opens the file in front of her.) Catherine: So, how did it go with Elaine Alcott? Sara: She didn't have anything to add to the investigation. (BRASS walks into the lab.) Brass: Hey, how's it going? Here are the phone records from the driver of the vehicle that you asked for. You know, there may be something to that kamikaze grandma theory of yours. Last week, Diane Lambert closed out her bank accounts, paid off her credit cards, and updated her will. Catherine: Well, that's certainly more evidence to suggest that her actions were intentional. Sara: There's only one Vegas phone number on this statement and the prior statement. There's got to be 80 calls here to the same number. Catherine: Dial the number. (SARA picks up the speaker phone and dials the number. The phone rings.) Operator: (from phone) Sillmont Healthcare. How can I direct your call? Sara: What's your address? Operator: (from phone) 16 South Meadows Lane. Sara: Thank you. (The Operator hangs up.) Catherine: Right. The Checkerbox is at 16 North Meadows. Brass: I don't think that's a coincidence. Sara: If Sillmont Healthcare was the intended target, how did she end up at the Checkerbox? Brass: Well, I'll tell you what happened to me. Last week, I was driving to a crime scene in the car and the GPS said go right. Had I done so, I'd be coughing up fish from the bottom of Lake Mead. Catherine: Well, GPS is hardly perfect. Maybe north was a directional default. Brass: Or maybe she put in the wrong address. Sara: Either way ... it does leave one question: Why was Diane Lambert so angry? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SILLMONT HEALTHCARE - OFFICE -- DAY] (ELAINE ALCOTT closes the office door. CATHERINE and SARA interviews ELAINE ALCOTT and her manager.) Elaine Alcott: Mrs. Lambert was a member of our HMO. I was, uh, going to call you. (ELAINE takes a seat at the table. She and SARA both eye each other warily.) Catherine: Well, did she have some kind of problem with her policy? Manager: Not to our knowledge. Sara: Then you won't mind if we take a look at her file. Manager: I'm sorry, member files are confidential. Catherine: Well, this member is deceased. Not even the doctor-patient privilege extends postmortem. (ELAINE picks up the file and hands it to SARA. Again, they eye each other warily. SARA takes the file and looks through it.) Sara: Mrs. Lambert had colon cancer. Manager: If you read further, you'll see that it was in remission. Sara: No, actually, her most recent cat scan shows recurrence two months ago. That's about the same time she started calling your office two times a day. Why would she be calling you? (The Manager doesn't answer. CATHERINE looks over at ELAINE ALCOTT who doesn't meet her eyes.) Catherine: (disgusted) You know what? Four people are dead. Don't waste our time. We can take this downtown. Elaine Alcott: Mrs. Lambert's oncologist recommended immediate and aggressive treatment. Sara: Did treatment commence? Elaine Alcott: The recommendation was pending. Catherine: Well, what exactly does that mean? Manager: Not yet approved, not yet denied. (Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT determined behind the steering wheel of her car. The car is accelerating. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: In other words, Mrs. Lambert's health was in limbo. She wasn't receiving treatment, but she couldn't file an appeal, since you hadn't officially denied her claim. Manager: The authorization process takes ... it takes time. (Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT anguished behind the steering wheel of her car. The car is accelerating. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Time Mrs. Lambert didn't have. Manager: We have a procedure, and we follow it. (Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT gripping the steering wheel. Cut to: DIANE LAMBERT crying as the car accelerates. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: .... and while you were following your "procedure", and postponing a decision, her cancer cells were multiplying. Sara: What were you, playing the odds? Were you hoping she would die before you had to spend a dime? Manager: We're not liable here. We're not responsible for Mrs. Lambert's actions. (CATHERINE looks down and shakes her head.) (Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT in her car driving it through the glass windows of the Checkerbox Bar and Grille.) (Cut to: The car crashes through the window and into the patrons inside. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: For what it's worth, that makes me sick. (Camera holds on the Manager looking at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY -- DAY] (SARA exits the lab and walks through the hallway. She takes off her latex gloves and goes looking for CATHERINE. CATHERINE walks out of the locker room with her bag over her shoulder.) Sara: Catherine. Catherine: Yeah. Sara: We missed something. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY] (SARA and CATHERINE interviews COREY LAMBERT.) Sara: Corey, when I was reviewing your grandmother's insurance policy, I noticed she that didn't specify an e-mail address, and that got me thinking. Some people her age aren't technologically savvy. Maybe a GPS device would be intimidating to her. I wondered if she actually even knew how to use it. So I printed the unit and I found your fingerprints on it. Corey Lambert: I installed it. Sara: The prints just weren't on the base of the unit, they were on the face. You punched in addresses. (COREY LAMBERT shakes his head. He's confused by the line of thought. CATHERINE explains.) Catherine: If you were aware of your grandmother's intentions and programmed the GPS, you're guilty of aiding and abetting in the murder of three people. (COREY shakes his head as this sinks in.) Corey Lambert: Oh, god. Uh ... last week, she came by my place 'cause she said she didn't know how to work the GPS. (Quick flashback to: COREY LAMBERT showing his grandmother how to work the unit. He punches in an address as an example.) Corey Lambert: Okay, grandma, look, it's really easy. I'll explain it to you again. You just type in the address of where you want to go. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Corey Lambert: Look, I swear, if I had known what she was planning, I would've stopped her. Catherine: Uh ... well ... Corey, homicide has informed us that your grandmother had a life insurance policy, in which you're the sole beneficiary. Corey Lambert: (shakes his head) I had no idea. Sara: She never mentioned it to you? Corey Lambert: (immediately) No! (Thinks about it for a moment.) No, no, wait. (Quick flashback to: DIANE LAMBERT sitting in her car and pleading to her grandson.) Diane Lambert: Promise me. Corey Lambert: Okay, fine. When I can afford it, I'll go back to college. Diane Lambert: You should have a degree. Corey Lambert: Grandma, I promise. Diane Lambert: I love you. You're such a good boy. Corey Lambert: I love you, too. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Your grandmother's death has been ruled a suicide, which nullifies the policy. There's not going to be any money. Corey Lambert: No ... look, I don't think you understand. I loved my grandmother, and she's dead. She killed herself, and she killed these three other people. (crying) What are you telling me? She killed these people for me? And I'm supposed to live with this? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (CATHERINE and SARA exit the room. HANK is waiting for SARA in the hallway.) Catherine: (to SARA) I'll meet you at the car. (CATHERINE walks out the hallway. HANK turns to talk with SARA.) Hank Peddigrew: I called the lab. They said you were here. (swallows) I heard you met Elaine. Sara: Yeah, she's really something. (pause) I didn't tell her about us, if that's what you're wondering. Hank Peddigrew: I'm really sorry, Sara. Sara: (nods) Yeah, me, too. Hank Peddigrew: I don't know what else to say. Sara: I'll see you around. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (SARA walks out of the police department.) Lyric: ["Wild Horses", The Sundays] Childhood living / is easy to do / the things that you wanted / I bought them for you ... (She walks to the car, opens the door and gets inside. CATHERINE watches SARA.) Lyric: ... graceless lady ... Catherine: (quietly) You got plans? Sara: Nope. Lyric: ... You know who I am... Catherine: You want to get a beer? (SARA turns to look at CATHERINE. CATHERINE smiles. She's been there. SARA turns and looks straight ahead. She smiles a bit.) Sara: Drive. (CATHERINE starts the engine and they leave.) Lyric: ... And wild horses couldn't drag me away...

Sara finds out some disturbing news about her boyfriend Hank while she, Catherine and Warrick investigate a deadly car crash. Meanwhile Grissom and Nick find out that the death of a woman who died of carbon monoxide poisoning was not an accident.

fd_Charmed_01x18

fd_Charmed_01x18_0

[Scene: Church. Brendan and a priest are there.] Brendan: I wake up at night, my heart pounding, a voice whispering in my head your a fraud, you can't fool God. Priest: These are not new fears, Brendan. I've watched you grow, wept for you, rejoiced in you, you are not a fraud. I know your heart. Brendan: You don't know my family, father. Generations of evil. Evil that's in my blood. Priest: The blood of the sacrament washes it clean. Greg: Hello, Brendan. Paul: Long time no see. Brendan: How'd you find me? Greg: Yeah, good to see you too. Didn't mean to interrupt your conversation. We'll wait outside for you so we can have a family reunion. [Scene: Outside the church. Prue, Phoebe and Piper are getting stuff out of the van.] Prue: Hey, you know what? The next time the Quake does a food pantry why don't you call some guys. Piper: Yeah, I'll just go through my handy guy rolodex. Phoebe: Which I believe now stops a 'J' for Josh or is it 'B' for boyfriend. Piper: I don't wanna talk about it. Phoebe: Why not Piper? You know you like him and he calls you all the time. Why don't you just go out with him? Piper: I told you because I'm too busy with work and my instincts are telling me to lay low. Prue: Always trust your instincts. Phoebe: Who's side are you on? (They see some nuns.) Piper: Now they have the right idea. Phoebe: Who, the nuns? Piper: Yep, nice safe environment. Phoebe: Yeah, if you like monks. Piper: Stress free, no need to worry about guys, no wardrobe. Phoebe: No wardrobe? Okay, now you're scaring me. Piper: Um, whose pen is this? Prue: Oh, it's uh, Brendan's I think, you know the cute guy that signed for the food, remember? Phoebe: I remember him, yes. Piper: Good, then you can take it to him. I think he's in the church office. Phoebe: Okay, just don't go taking any vows while I'm gone, alright? (Piper hands Phoebe the pen and Phoebe has a premonition.) Oh, oh, cute guy, I just saw him being attacked by a warlock. I think it was here somewhere. Prue: Alright, let's split up. [Cut to inside the church. Brendan and his brothers are there.] Greg: Give it up little brother. You're praying to the wrong deity. Aren't you Brendan. I mean after all, we can't deny who we are. Brendan: You don't scare me Greg. Greg: Sure I do. (He turns into a warlock.) We've come a long way to find you. We're not leaving until you join us. Paul: Please Brendan, we don't want to hurt you. (Greg hits Brendan and he falls to the floor.) Greg: Did you really think the church could save you? (Greg picks up Brendan up off the floor. He goes to hit him again but Prue enters the church.) Prue: Hey! (She uses her powers and Greg flies across the room.) Piper! Phoebe! Greg: We'll come back for you. (They run off.) Phoebe: Prue? Prue: You guys over here! (to Brendan) Are you alright? Brendan: Yeah, thanks. (He runs off.) Prue: Wait, where ...? Piper: Hey! Phoebe: What happened? Prue: I don't know, but uh, I'm gonna go find out. Opening Credits [Scene: In a room. Brendan's brothers are there. One brother is staring at a lizard.] Paul: Amazing reflex's. Check it out. Greg: Should've kept a closer watch on Brendan all these years. Shouldn't of left him alone. Paul: Seriously, you gotta see this, watch. Greg: I'm sick and tired of you and this freakin' lizard. Paul: Yeah? Too bad. (Greg goes to hit him.) No! I'm sorry, okay. Just stay away from my pet, that's all I ask. Maybe we should let Brendan go. I mean we don't really need him. It's not like we don't already have our powers. Greg: Without his powers we can't complete our triangle, the whole prophecy of the royal coven. He must accept his heritage. He must be initiated as a warlock. Paul: Initiated how? We can't force him to kill an innocent. Greg: Well, maybe not, but we can store his inner nature. The part he thinks is suppressed. Make him wanna kill. Paul: By tomorrow? Not a chance. Once he's been ordained, he's safe. He can never become a warlock. Greg: In which case, we will have to kill him. [Scene: Halliwell house. The phone rings.] Phoebe: Hello? Oh, hello Josh, how are you? Piper: I won't call him back. Phoebe: Yeah, she's right here, hold on a second. Oops. Piper: You're doomed. (She takes the phone.) Hello. No, it's alright I'm always up this early. What's that? My horoscope said that? Oh well, that's a shame 'cause I have to work Friday night. Yep, Saturday too. Phoebe: (to Prue) Okay, I have to go change the cat litter. Prue: Phoebe. Phoebe: What? What is the problem? She likes him, he likes her. Prue: The problem is it's none of our business. Piper: I, I've got to go now, but thanks for calling though. Yeah, well, I gotta go to work. I'll be there all day and all night. Yep, gotta go, bye. Phoebe: Okay, you know what? It's your life, if you wanna be a nun, God speed. Piper: Thank you. Now back to our warlock crisis. Why do we think they're after, what's his name again? Prue: Brendan, and I don't know, I couldn't find him. But I've seen him at the church before and I'm hoping that the parish priest can help. Piper: Yeah, well, you better hope Brendan doesn't tell anybody about your powers or else we got bigger problems than just warlocks. Prue: Yeah, but I don't think he will. There's something in his eyes, I don't know, it seemed like he wasn't surprised by it. Alright, um, I've gotta go. I'll call you guys if I find out anything. Piper: Do you want us to go with you? Prue: You have to work remember. (She leaves. The phone rings and Phoebe gets up to answer it.) Piper: Don't you dare answer that. Sit down. [Scene: Church.] Prue: Excuse me. Priest: Yes. Prue: Father Austin? Priest: Yes. Prue: Hi. I'm Prue Halliwell. My sister helped co-ordinate the food for last night. Priest: Piper. Of course. I'm very grateful to her, it was a wonderful evening. Except for what happened in here. Prue: Actually, that's why I'm here. Do you know someone named Brendan, i think he was one of the volunteers? Priest: I know Brendan very well. You don't think he had anything to do with this? Prue: No. No, no, no, no. Um, but I did see two other men trying to hurt him. I mean he's fine, he got away alright but I don't think they're gonna stop trying. Priest: He always said they'd come. Prue: Excuse me? Priest: It's just something I know Brendan's been wrestling his whole life. Prue: Do you know where I might be able to help him? Priest: You? How? Prue: I can't really tell you that father, I'm sorry. It's kind of personal, I just have to ask you to trust me. [Scene: Quake.] Phoebe: So the lunch rush is almost over and you're closed till dinner right? Piper: Yeah, why? Phoebe: Just curious. Have you heard from Prue yet? Piper: No, not yet. (Phoebe stares at her.) What? Why are you staring at me? Phoebe: Because I'm worried about you that's why. Piper: Oh, Phoebe don't start. Phoebe: No, Piper something's up. You're turning down dates with a guy that you like, extolling the virtues of convent living, you've been working double shifts three times a week, this is not the Piper I know and I'm worried. Piper: Don't be. Everything is fine. (Josh walks up behind them.) Josh: I would like a glass of Clara Jenson please. Ninety three if you got it. Piper: Josh. Josh: Good start. You recognized me. Piper: What are you doing here? (quietly to Phoebe) Phoebe! Phoebe: (quietly) What? Piper: This is such a surprise. Josh: Well, I tell ya, I'm gonna cut right to the chase here. You wanna get all hot and sweaty with me? I'm kidding, kidding. I'm on my way to the gym and thought since I can't buy you dinner, we could um, work out together. Piper: I'll be right back. Phoebe: Uh, so will I. Piper: I'm gonna kill you. Phoebe: Why? A little exercise, a nice steam, a trip to the juice bar, what could it hurt? Piper: My job. I'm at work. I can't just up and leave. Phoebe: Okay, well, I could baby-sit for you while you're gone. Piper: The restaurant? I don't think so. Phoebe: What, it's not like anything's gonna happen. You said it yourself, you're closed until dinner. Come on, it is just a work out. The worst case scenario, you're in better shape by the time you check into the nunnery. Piper: Okay, fine. But only if it will get you to shut up. Phoebe: It will. Piper: Good. Phoebe: Fine. (She gives Josh the thumbs up sign.) Josh: Thank you. Phoebe: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Stables. Brendan is there with a little girl.] Brendan: Are you sure you've never ridden a horse before? Little girl: I've never even seen a horse before. Except on television. Brendan: Well, you're a natural at it. Keep your grades up and maybe you could come riding again. Little girl: Promise? (He nods.) Ah, a spider! Kill it. Brendan: Oh, no. He's just trying to find his way home that's all. Besides, all life's precious to God you know. (Prue walks up behind them.) Here, don't be afraid. Trust me. (He puts the spider in her hands.) There you go. (He sees Prue.) Ah, why don't you take him in the stables and set him free. (She leaves.) Prue: You're braver than me. Brendan: How'd you find me? Prue: Father Austin told me you would be here. We need to talk. Brendan: Look, uh ... Prue: Prue. Brendan: Prue. If you're worried about me telling anyone about your secret, you don't have to. It's safe with me. Prue: Yeah, well, that's good to know but why? I mean most people would be pretty freaked out if they saw what you saw. Brendan: I'm not like most people. Prue: Yes, I know. Most people aren't attacked by warlocks. Brendan: I don't wanna talk about that. (He gets on his horse.) Prue: Okay. Ah, hi, just can I borrow this for a minute. (She gets on a horse.) Man: Sure, go ahead. (They gallop off. Prue gallops past Brendan.) Brendan: Hey, wait up. (They slow down.) If you keep your grades up maybe you can come riding again too. Prue: Oh, you promise? Brendan: Who are you anyway? Prue: Oh, well, that's not fair, I asked you first. Brendan: I'm not quite sure I know the answer to that I'm afraid. Prue: Well, as far as I can see you're too good to be true, I mean church volunteer, great with kids, loves horses, spiders. Brendan: Not all spiders. Hate black widows. Prue: That's a good thing. Brendan: What? Prue: Brendan, you're in danger, serious danger. Brendan: I know. Prue: What, how do you know? I can help you. Brendan: No you can't. You're lucky they didn't hurt you, they could of killed you last night. Prue: Who could of? Who are they? Brendan: It doesn't matter. After tomorrow I'll be safe from them forever. Prue: What happens tomorrow? Brendan: I become a priest. [Scene: Rock climbing place. Piper is half way up the wall.] Piper: (Angrily to herself) A little sweat, a nice steam, trip to the juice bar. I will kill you Phoebe. (Josh comes down the wall and stops where Piper is.) Josh: How ya doin'? Piper: (Does a fake laugh) Great. Never better. Josh: You're lookin' great. Come on, I can't believe you've never done this before. Piper: Yeah, well, believe it. Josh: You want me to keep you company on the way up? Piper: Oh no, I'll meet you, I'll meet you down there. Josh: Alright, I'll see you in a few. (He goes down the wall. Piper starts to climb the wall again but slips and falls but Josh catches her before she hits the ground.) Piper: Wow, talk about falling for a guy. (He puts her down and she freezes him. She gets out her phone and calls Phoebe.) I can't believe I said that. Phoebe: Hello, Quake. (You see the sink overflowing and water is everywhere.) Piper: Phoebe. Pheobe: Hey, Piper, how's is going? Piper: Bad, real bad. Phoebe: Uh, really? Why? Piper: You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. Because we shared the look. (You see Phoebe trying to stop the water from squirting out of the tap.) Phoebe: The look? Piper: You know, the look that proceeds the kiss. You look at each other the same time, you smile at each other the same time. Phoebe: Well, that's great. I knew you'd have a good time. Piper: No, Phoebe, this is exactly what I did not want to happen. Is that water I hear running? Phoebe: Uh, water? I don't know, maybe just a little. Hey, you know, just out of curiosity, if you were the water shut off valve, where would you be? (Piper hangs up and Josh unfreezes.) Josh: Hey, uh, where'd you get the phone? Piper: Uh, Phoebe just called, there's an emergency at the restaurant. I gotta go. (She kisses him on the cheek.) Um, I had a really great time, thanks. Josh: You're welcome. [Scene: Church. Father Austin is on the floor and is badly hurt. A warlock is next to him. Prue enters the church and sees what has happened. The warlock sees Prue and turns back into a human. It's Brendan.] Brendan: Prue. (He runs off. Two nuns see what's happened.) Nun: Dear God. Prue: Call 911. Hurry. (She runs after Brendan.) [Cut to outside. Prue trips Brendan by using her powers.] Brendan: Prue, wait. You don't understand. Prue: Don't I? Brendan: I didn't hurt father Austin. I found him like that, I swear. Prue: Before of after you turned into a warlock? Brendan: After. When I saw what they did to him I was crazed. The rage turned me into a warlock. Look, don't believe me I don't care. Just at least let me call the paramedics, please. Don't let him die. I'm begging you. Prue: They've already been called. Brendan: Thank you. Prue: Do you actually expect me to believe that you're a good warlock? Brendan: No. There's no such thing. I can explain it to you if you let me. I can make you understand. I won't hurt you. I need your help. Prue: For what? Brendan: To stop the other warlocks. To stop my brothers. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside church. The paramedics are putting Father Austin in the ambulance. Andy and Morris are there.] Morris: I got an eye witness. A nun. Saw someone she ID'd as Brendan Rowe. Apparently Mr. Rowe lives in the rectory. You alright? Andy: No, I'm not. Father Austin's my priest. He gave me my first communion. What kind of animal would do this? Morris: You wanna follow him to the hospital? Andy: No. I wanna catch the scum that did this to him. [Scene: Quake. Piper gives the man that fixed the water a cheque.] Piper: (to a man) Thank you. Man: Thank you. Piper: (to Phoebe) You should of called me. Phoebe: I know, I know. But you had a good time, right? Piper: Unfortunately. Phoebe: Do you confuse yourself when you do that? Piper: I just, I don't know Phoebe, it seems like every guy I've liked lately has been a warlock, a ghost, or otherwise unavailable like Leo. I was just trying to save myself some grief with Josh. Phoebe: But Josh is available, and human too ... I think. Piper: I just don't want to be disappointed again. I'm tired of falling for the wrong guy, human or supernatural. Phoebe: Well, I am sorry. If I had of known that you wanted to take a dating hiatus, I wouldn't of pushed so hard. Are you mad at me? Piper: No, I'm grateful. Phoebe: Yeah? Piper: You followed my instincts. I don't know what I'd do without you. [Scene: Prue and Brendan are taking a walk.] Brendan: A warlock naturally comes from two warlock parents like Greg and Paul do. But they're just my half brothers, I had a different mother. Prue: A human mother? Brendan: Yes. A wonderfully, human mother. Prue: So then we have something in common. My father was human. Brendan: The only difference is he came from good. Mine came from pure evil. Descended from an ancient warlock line intent on furthering the Rowe coven. Three brothers destined to become the most powerful force of evil the world has ever known. Prue: The evil charmed ones. Brendan: Only I went into hiding. I wanted to break the chain. Make amends for all that my family's done. Prue: By becoming a priest? Brendan: Embracing God in that way is the only way to lose my power and my warlock nature forever. And with it keep the Rowe coven from ever being. I've been at war with myself all my life, Prue. Running from the evil inside me. I guess it finally caught up. Prue: You can fight it. Fight them. Brendan: No I can't. My brothers are too powerful, they're relentless. They'll keep hurting the people I care about until I give in. They'll even hurt you. Prue: I can take care of myself. It's you I'm worried about. Brendan: Ahh, don't worry about me. I know what I have to do. I have to kill my brothers before they trick me into killing somebody else. You'll have to follow me to their place, and then and your sisters will have to kill me. [Scene: Greg and Paul's place.] Paul: Everything's ready. Greg: Good. He's coming. This is amazing. Just as his approach my power quickens. It's as if I'm reaching out for him. For completion, do you feel it too? (Brendan enters the room.) Brother. Brendan: I'm here to kill you Greg. Greg: Well, I'm glad. Anything less, I'd be disappointed. But first you're gonna need this. (He gets a knife.) Paul: It's okay, Brendan, take it. (He does so.) Brendan: I know this wasn't your doing Paul. But I'm gonna have to kill you too. Greg: But me first. (Brendan and Greg start fighting.) Yes, come on, you're feeling it now. Come on, I dare ya, you're almost there. In your blood, this is us, this is your birth right. (Brendan sees a woman tied to a table with candles around her.) Brendan: What the hell? Greg: Isn't the heat intoxicating? But you need to kill. Oh, yes, that's it. [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe.] Phoebe: Got here as soon as we could, we just didn't have time to go to the house and get the Book of Shadows. Prue: Yeah, I don't wanna have to kill Brendan too. Piper: But you said on the phone he's a warlock. Prue: Yeah, I know he is but if we can vanquish his brothers before he turns, we might be able to save him okay. [Cut back to the warlocks. Brendan is holding the knife just above the woman's throat.] Greg: One clean thrust and you're both a piece. (Prue, Piper and Phoebe barge through the door.) Prue: Brendan, no! (Prue uses her powers to untie the woman. Paul flings his hand out and lightning flies out if his fingertips landing near them. They run into the other room.) Paul: Three witches. We can't defeat them without Brendan and we haven't got him yet. (They run away. Prue, Phoebe and Piper run back into the room.) Piper: (to woman) It's okay, you're safe. Prue: No, don't take the blind fold off she'll see us. We'll call for help. Phoebe: Prue, he's a warlock. Prue: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Same place. There is now police and lots of people there.] Officer: (to Morris) I'll take that. (A man walks past Morris.) Morris: Minimal traffic. Man: See if he needs the photos. Morris: I'll give it to him. Victim's a little shaken up so give her some air okay. [Cut to Andy and the victim.] (He gives her some tea.) Andy: Here you go. Woman: Thank you. Andy: You okay to talk a little more? Woman: Yeah, um, I just gotten to my car and I'm loading the groceries in the back and then they just came out of nowhere. Andy: Was this guy, Brendan Rowe, one of them? (He shows her a picture.) Woman: No. But I remember them calling one of the other ones that. I was blind folded and I think they drugged me or something 'cause the next thing I remember I was here. I felt the tip of the knife. He was gonna kill me. But she made him stop. Andy: She? Woman: One of the women that came. Um, Prue, I think her name was Prue. Andy: Thanks. Stay with her. (He points to a woman officer. He walks up to Morris.) The bastards painted a cult symbol on her chest as a target. She's lucky to still be alive. Morris: Did she I.D. Brendan Rowe. Andy: Yeah, said two others blind folded her. Brought her here for him to kill her. (He starts to leave but Morris stops him.) Morris: Where you going? Andy: I'm gonna get to the bottom of this once and for all. [Scene: Halliwell house. Prue's room.] Prue: Hey, um, you can sleep in my room and I'll sleep with Piper. Brendan: Why? Prue: Because Phoebe kicks. Brendan: No, I mean why are you doing this, why are you so kind to me after what I almost did? Prue: Yeah, but you didn't and that's what's important. You didn't come to your brothers will. Brendan: Only thanks to you. They had me Prue. Right where they wanted. I could feel the evil inside taking me over. It was so strong, so powerful. If you and your sisters didn't come in when you did. Prue: You would of stopped yourself. You wouldn't of hurt her. Brendan: How can you be so sure when I'm not even sure myself? Prue: Because you're a good person Brendan, I've seen it at church, Father Austin's words, at the stables with that little girl. Your good side is much stronger than your evil side, you just have to keep fighting it until your ordination in the morning. And then you're home free. And we are gonna make sure you get there on time. (There's some silence and they stare into each other's eyes.) Brendan: How many temptations do I have to endure? (They move into a kiss.) Prue: Uh, okay, I'm gonna go. Night. Brendan: Night. [Cut to downstairs.] Piper: He was about to drive a knife in that woman's heart. Phoebe: Yeah, you couldn't of missed that right? Prue: I didn't. I saw Brendan NOT punch the knife in her. Phoebe: Yeah, that's because we stopped him. Prue: Then why isn't she dead? Piper: Because we showed up. Prue: No, because we followed him. Because last night Phoebe had a premonition of Brendan being attacked. That makes him the innocent that we're suppose to protect. Phoebe: Not necessarily. I mean maybe we were directed to him so that we could save the real innocent. The woman. Piper: Which we did and now you've brought her would be killer, a warlock no less in our house. How do you know he won't try to kill us? That's what warlocks do. Prue: He's not just a warlock, he's human too. Okay, look, Piper, remember when the wendigo turned you into a monster. The struggle that you went through and, and, and Phoebe, what about the shadow that turned you evil, what you went through to fight him off just to stay good. If anybody could relate to what Brendan is going through I would think that it would be you two. He has worked so hard for so many years to overcome his dark side and his brothers and he is so close. Piper: What if, what if, you're wrong. What if he crosses over and joins his brothers? Phoebe: Well, then they become the evil charmed ones and it's too late to stop them. Prue: I know. Look, I can't explain it. I'm just following my instincts and they've never let me wrong before, at least not when I've really listened to them. Guys, if you can't believe in him, can you please at least believe in me? Phoebe: Okay. Well, if we're gonna help Brendan get to this ordination, we have to figure out a way to stop his brothers, they're definitely gonna be there waiting. (The doorbell rings.) Piper: Who could that be? Phoebe: Brendan's brothers? Prue: Something tells me they're not exactly the ringing the bell types. (Prue answers the door.) Prue: Andy. Andy: Hey, Prue. You feeling lucky? 'Cause I'm about to do ya a BIG favour. I'm gonna forget that I can place you at the scene of the crime if you can tell me where I can find Brendan Rowe. Prue: I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. Andy: I'm talking about justice for Father Austin. Ever hear of him? (Prue doesn't know what to say.) What's the matter? Need a little more time to work on your story? Phoebe: Andy! Andy: Sorry, but all bests are off on this one. A priest, my priest, was viciously attacked at his own church who dedicated his life at doing only good. Then a young mother was kidnapped almost sacrificed in an altar. Now I can place Brendan Rowe at both scenes of the crime and the female victim hearing your name at the last one. And believe it or not I don't care why you were there, all I care about is who tried to kill Father Austin. Prue: I wish that I could help you. Andy: Piper, what about you? You wanna tell me where he is? Piper: We're not hiding any criminals here Andy if that's what you're asking. Andy: Fine. Father Austin's in intensive care. If he dies it's first degree murder and if I find out you're someway involved, I won't be able to look the other way, Prue. (He leaves.) Phoebe: I've never seen him like that before. Prue: Can you blame him? Piper: I hope you're right about Brendan, Prue. [Scene: Greg and Paul's place. They are saying a spell.] [Cut to Prue's room. Brendan is lying in bed and he's very restless. He gets out of bed and sees a spider and squashes it.] [Back at Greg and Paul's place.] Paul: He should of been here by now. I told you the spell wouldn't work. Greg: We still got time. Paul: I'm telling you he can't be taken. His mother's blood is too strong in him. Greg: Then we will have to kill him. Paul: I won't let that happen. Greg: And he won't have a choice. (Brendan enters the room.) Paul: Brendan. Greg: The spell brought you here. But the rest you have to do on your own, brother. Brendan: I understand. Greg: Do you really? Brendan: I feel only your power reaching out to yours and yours. To complete our triangle. Paul: All it takes is the life of a mortal and then your initiation is complete. Greg: I'm afraid it's gonna take more. We need proof that you have truly turned. To complete the Rowe coven you must sacrifice a witch. Prue. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Prue's room.] Piper: Where'd he go? Prue: Um, probably to the rectory to get ready. Piper: But you're not sure. Prue: No, I'm not. Piper: What are you gonna do? Prue: I'm gonna find him. Wake up Pheebs okay. (Phoebe stands at the doorway.) Phoebe: I'm up. Do you want to know what the Book of Shadows says about the Rowe coven? Prue: Go. Phoebe: It's not good. Ever since the tenth century each generation has grown stronger. Nobody can find a spell or a weapon that can stop them. Piper: Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed. Prue: Let's just hope the power of three can beat them. Phoebe: Unless it's already three against three. [Scene: Church. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are standing outside Brendan's room.] Phoebe: Are you sure you don't want us to go in with you? Piper: If he's turned he'll kill you. Prue: No, he won't I can talk to him. Look, I will call for help if I need it, I just need a minute alone with him. (She walks in the room.) Brendan: Hello, Prue. Prue: Hi. Is everything alright? Brendan: Yeah, sure. Why? You worry about me? Prue: A little. Especially since you left this morning without a word. Brendan: Yeah, well, big day. Wanted to get a jump on it. Prue: Yeah, shouldn't you be getting ready? Brendan: I am ready, Prue. Prue: They got you didn't they? Brendan: Look at this place. Hardly furnished, dresser, crucifix, bed, will this be my life? To meditate? To shut out the world. Prue: Have your brothers been here? Brendan: Mortify the flesh. They put a spell on me. To make me see your mortal body only. Something to kill and I see it. (Prue uses her powers and he flies across the room.) Prue: You can fight it Brendan. (Phoebe and Piper run in the room. Piper goes to freeze him.) No! It's okay, don't. (He turns into a warlock.) So this is it? You kill me or I kill you. Phoebe: Prue. Prue: Everything that you worked for, all the good that you've done still couldn't do. All for nothing, all lost. I don't believe it. I don't believe that this is the real you. (He raises his arm while holding the knife.) No, Brendan, wait! You're good. You can't kill me. It's not who you are. Isn't that why Father Austin believes in you? (Brendan turns back into a human.) Brendan: Did I hurt you? Prue: No, I'm okay. Brendan: Forgive me. Phoebe: (to Piper) I wasn't worried. Were you worried? Piper: Nah-uh. (They walk down the hallway.) Piper: It's clear. (Greg and Paul appear.) Greg: You betrayed us little brother. I'm very disappointed. Brendan: Leave them out of this, Greg. Greg: You're protecting witches now? You make me sick. Piper: Prue? Prue: Now! (Piper tries to freeze them but they have some sort of protective shield around them and Phoebe throws the knife at them but the shield blocks it. Same happens with Prue's powers.) Greg: No, not this time. I'm ready for you but family first. Brendan: Yeah? Come and get me. (Greg picks up the knife and gets ready to throw it. Paul stops him.) Paul: Greg, wait! Prue: Brendan, don't let them turn you, don't use your powers. Paul: Give him a chance. It's not too late Brendan, you can still join us. You are either with us or against us. Brendan: Then I'm against you. Greg: Then you will die. (He throws the knife gets Paul.) Damn you, Brendan. Paul: Greg. (He pulls the knife out of his chest.) Damn you! (He throws the knife and hits Greg in the chest. They both turn into dust.) Prue: I'm sorry. Brendan: I'm not. (A clock chimes.) Prue: It's time. Brendan: Yeah. After all these years, after everything I've given up to get here, a sacrifice never seemed greater than it does right now. (Prue kisses him.) Prue: Tell me about it. [Scene: Inside the church. Brendan is getting ordained and Phoebe, Prue and Piper are watching.] Phoebe: (to Prue) You know if you're ever gonna lose a guy it might as well be to the big guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Quake.] Bartender: What can I get you Prue? Prue: Um, the usual, thanks. (Andy walks up to Prue.) Andy: Hey. Prue: Hi. Still mad at me? Andy: Listen Prue, I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. Prue: Andy, please, you don't have to apologize. I know how close you are to Father Austin. I've known you a long time, remember? Andy: I remember. Actually, I just came from the hospital, the doctor says he's gonna be okay. Prue: I'm glad to hear that. Andy: And he said it wasn't Brendan Rowe that attacked him, it was his brothers. I suppose you don't know where I might be able to find them either? Prue: No. (The bartender gives her the drink.) Thanks. But I have a feeling you're not going to find them anywhere. Andy: Really? I wonder how you might know that? Nevermind, I think I already know. Well, better get back to work I just wanted to stop by. Prue: I'm glad you did. (He leaves. Prue walks over to a table where Piper and Phoebe are sitting.) Piper: Well, you're not handcuffed, that's a good sign. Phoebe: Depends on who's cuffing you. I'm joking. Prue: I wonder how he knew that I would be here? Phoebe: Are you kidding? We're always at Quake after we vanquish warlocks. Either here or at home. (Piper sees Josh.) Piper: Oh, there's Josh. Phoebe: Oh man, that guy cannot take a hint. Piper, this is my fault, I'm the one that pushed you on him. So I will handle this okay. Piper: It's okay. I called him. I decided it's time to try and work through my fears and trust my instincts. Prue: Always a good thing to do. Phoebe: Especially when they're that cute. Josh: Piper. I'm a little surprised you called, I thought you were mad at me or something. Piper: No, I just had to go to church. Table for two. Yes, you. (They sit at a table.) Phoebe: You know, maybe I didn't do such a bad thing after all. Prue: I'd say helping her get over falling for the wrong guy is a good thing. Now maybe you can help me with it. Phoebe: Yeah, that's not fair, losing such a catch like Brendan to the priesthood. God's got all the studs. Prue: Well, at least he's not a warlock anymore. Phoebe: And at least Piper's not a nun. Prue: Oh. Phoebe: Right? Prue: Right.

Led by Prue, the Charmed Ones help a young man named Brendan ( Michael Weatherly ) who wants to become a priest in order to avoid fulfilling his predicted destiny as a warlock along with his brothers. They begin attacking people who are close to Brendan in order to coerce him to give into his darker side. Eventually, his brothers kill each other and he becomes ordained as a priest and cleared of the attacks on innocents and an esteemed priest.

fd_The_Originals_01x06

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Rebekah (voiceover): My brothers and I are the first vampires in history, the Originals. Three hundred years ago, we called New Orleans home. Now, we've returned, drawn by a witch who seeks to use my brother Klaus' unborn child as leverage in a brewing war. But his quest for power has turned brother against brother, leaving our family more divided than ever. Now that Elijah has returned, can our family unite to face this new threat? MIKAELSON MANSION [Klaus and Elijah sit opposite each other in the living room, both reading. Klaus is reading "A Poison Tree" by William Blake, and Elijah is reading one of his mother's grimoires. A dead girl lays on the coffee table as they listen to classical music. After a moment, Rebekah enters] Rebekah: So, this is what you do the first time we're back together as a family? Vampire book club? Klaus: [continues reading] Reading edifies the mind, sister. Isn't that right, Elijah? Elijah: Yes, that's quite right, Niklaus. Rebekah: And what's this business? [gestures to the dead girl on the table] Elijah: This is a...[gestures as though he's searching for a word]...peace offering. Klaus: I presumed, after so much time desiccating in a coffin, that my big brother might be a bit peckish. Elijah: And I explained to my little brother, that forgiveness cannot be bought. I'd simply prefer to see a change in behavior that indicates contrition, and personal growth. [Klaus rolls his eyes guiltily, and Elijah gestures to the girl] Elijah: Not this nonsense. Klaus: Well, I couldn't very well let her go to waste, could I? [grins] Rebekah: Well, I suppose I'll go fetch the rubbish bin, because she's staining a two hundred-year-old carpet. [Elijah looks up from his book to see the girl bleeding out onto the table, where the blood drips onto the floor] Elijah: Ah, yes. Klaus (voiceover): [recites "A Poison Tree" by William Blake] I was angry with my friend: [Klaus looks at Elijah] I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: [Marcel walks into the Palace Royale Hotel, looking for Klaus] I told it not, my wrath did grow And I watered it in fears, [Cami brings flowers to her brother's grave, to find that someone spray painted "MURDERER" over the headstone] Night and morning with my tears; And I sunned it with smiles, [Father Kieran pulls wooden boards off the windows of the church, and waves to a group of men standing outside the door] And with soft deceitful wiles. And it grew both day and night, [Klaus looks at Elijah, and then to Hayley, who walks through the room, her hand on her pregnant belly] 'Til it bore an apple bright. And my foe beheld it shine. And he knew that it was mine, And into my garden stole [Klaus watches Elijah set down the grimoire and follow Hayley into the kitchen] When the night had veiled the pole; In the morning glad I see My foe outstretched beneath the tree. [In the kitchen, Elijah finds Hayley making herself breakfast, and rooting through the fridge. Elijah leans in the doorway] Elijah: [smiles] Good morning. Hayley: [smiles] Hey. [Rebekah enters through the back door, dragging a trashcan behind her] Hayley: Listen, I know I'm the only one in this house that actually drinks milk, but would it kill any of you to make sure it's on the grocery list? Rebekah: Speaking of, add bleach. [stomps through the kitchen and into the living room to clean up the mess] Elijah: [digs around in a cupboard as Hayley pulls ice cream out of the freezer] You know, I do hope my siblings were hospitable to you, in my absence. Hayley: In your absence, as you like to call it, which is a way-too-polite way of saying that your brother put a dagger in your heart...[looks up to see Elijah bringing a bowl, a spoon, and a bag of cereal to the counter] I have been attacked by French Quarter vampires, I've had to live in a house with a secret dungeon full of coffins, and I was nearly murdered by witches who are convinced my baby is Lucifer. [Elijah smiles sympathetically as he pulls orange juice and milk out of the fridge, pours Hayley a bowl of cereal, and then fills it with milk] Hayley: [notices the milk] Oh...milk. [beat] They've been fine. Your siblings are weirdly protective, I know I have you to thank for that. Elijah: I'm just happy to see that you're in one piece. [smiles] So, back to the murderous witches. [hands her the bowl of cereal] I have some concerns. Hayley: They're evil. And, my life is still magically linked to Sophie Deveraux, which is not comforting. Elijah: Yes, I think it's time we took care of that little problem. Rebekah: I am all for it. As soon as they're unlinked, we get to leave this crap town. [drags the dead girl's body across the kitchen floor] Who do we have to kill? Elijah: [thinking] Probably no one. [Hayley looks at him questioningly] Elijah: Alright, potentially everyone. [turns to leave] TITLE AND OPENING CREDITS ROUSSEAU'S [Sophie chops up vegetables and talks to Sabine, who is sitting on one of the tables] Sophie: [gestures to table and makes a face] I cook on that, you know! Sabine: Don't get cranky with me! I'm the only witch who still likes you. Sophie: [stirs gumbo] Yeah, it's not like I'm trying to save the witch heritage or anything. [turns to Sabine] Sabine: They'll come around. They're just old-school, and scared. Sophie: Scared of what? Your prophecy about the hybrid baby? Agnes and her freak-show minions had a real field day with that one. Sabine: I can't help what I see, Soph. [shakes head] Sophie: [smiles] Well, if you're psychic, I'm Martha Stewart! [walks toward table to grab some celery] Scootch! [Sophie returns to her table, and Sabine hops down to join her. She sees a shadow in her peripheral vision and gets suspicious. Suddenly, two people in black masks come out] Sabine: What the...? [One of the masked people backhands Sabine across the face, and she as she falls, she hits her head on the table and falls unconsious. Sophie tries to fight the other two masked people off, but they blow some powder in her face that makes her pass out as well] MIKAELSON MANSION [Rebekah scrubs at the bloodstains in the carpet as Klaus continues to read "A Poison Tree."] Rebekah: Poetry about poisoned apples from dead trees. Looks like someone's worried about impending daddyhood. Klaus: [shakes head] Nonsense. Elijah's back. In his presence, all problems turn to pixie-dust and float away! [Rebekah side-eyes him and grins, and Klaus grins back. Elijah joins them in the living room] Elijah: Strange, I don't recall any pixie-dust from the darkness of the coffin I was recently forced to endure. [Elijah opens Esther's grimoire and flips through it] Rebekah: What are you doing with Mother's spellbook? Elijah: Well, in exchange for my freedom, I promised the witch Davina that I would share a few pages from Mother's grimoire. To help her learn to control her magic. I thought we'd begin with a little unlinking spell. [Rebekah and Klaus look at each other in confusion] Rebekah: [stunned] Wait, you want to use her to unlink Hayley from Sophie Deveraux? Elijah: Sophie brought us here under false pretenses! She doesn't just want us to take down Marcel and his minions, she wants to take Davina back. So, she yolked her own cause to ours, with magic threats and half-truths! Well, no more. As of now, our deal with Sophie Deveraux is null and void. [Klaus and Rebekah grin] Elijah: Niklaus, I need you to come with me. I need five minutes alone with Davina, you need to make certain that I am not interrupted. [points to Rebekah and thinks for a moment] You stay here and watch Hayley. Rebekah: How did I get elected super-nanny? Klaus: More importantly, who put him in charge? [follows Elijah out of the room] NIGHTWALKER BAR [Marcel sits alone, drinking a bottle of scotch, as various vampires around him feed on humans at the tables around him. Josh sees Marcel, and approaches him] Josh: Hey. Is everything okay? [Marcel gives him a look] Josh: Uh, can I get you something? Marcel: Look, I know you want a daylight ring, kid. Little heads up? I got guys eighty years ahead of you. Josh: [nods nervously] Noted. Sorry. Marcel: [watches him walk away] Wait! You know Klaus Mikaelson. I asked you to give him a lift home a couple of times? To the Palace Royale Hotel, right? Josh: [stammers] Uhhh, yeah...the Palace Royale. Marcel: See, I stopped by his hotel, to say sorry about an argument we had. Turns out he lied about living there. Lied! Do you ever hear the phrase, "Uneasy is the head that wears the crown?" Josh: Uhhh...Lord of the Rings? Marcel: No, Shakespeare. When I was a kid, Klaus taught me how to read with those plays. All about a king who gained the world, but lost his soul. But now, I get it! You see, when it's all said and done, and you look around at the empire you built, the only thing that matters is who you can trust! Josh: There's gotta be somebody, somewhere that you can trust? "To stick to you, through thick and thin, to the bitter end." Sam and Frodo, The Fellowship of the Ring. [shrugs] Marcel: [nods slowly] Yeah, there is someone. We used to be best friends. [pats Josh on the arm as he leaves] DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM Davina is sketching with charcoal on her easel when Elijah arrives and leans against the doorway and knocks on the door. Davina smiles] Elijah: [holds up pages of grimoire in a cloth] I made you a promise. Davina: [smiles] Come in! ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Cami sits in the confession room with Father Kieran] Cami: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been...oh, a year, since I've had a good conversation with you. Kieran: Camille. Cami: You've been avoiding me, Uncle K. Kieran: My favorite niece? Never! Cami: Don't lie. This is a church! [beat] Besides, I came about professional advice. [beat] About Sean. DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM [Davina spreads a page of Esther's grimoire on her table] Davina: It's a spell of unknotting? Elijah: This is a sanguinum knot. The witches use it as representational magic. If you can unknot this using that spell, you will have taken a step towards learning control. This is one of my mother's later spells. It requires much more power than you realize. Now, if you can perform this, then I shall return with another page. [walks toward the door, then turns back to her] A spell of your choosing, next time. [smiles, then leaves] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Cami and Father Kieran are still in the confessional] Cami: I guess since I'm a masochist, I went by Sean's grave today and-- Kieran: Damn it, I was hoping to get that cleaned up before you saw it. I hope it didn't upset you too much. Cami: It didn't bother me at all. That's the problem. That's why I'm here. I slept like a baby every night this week. Even though my brother hacked nine priests to death, not two feet from this confessional. [beat] A guy I've been seeing, Marcel, has been blowing me off. Whatever, I've been on two dates with the guy, and I'm more upset about THAT than seeing "MURDERER" scrawled across my brother's grave. Kieran: [hesitates] It's called healing, Cami. Cami: For months, after the massacre, I couldn't think of anything else. And then suddenly...nothing. I need to feel that pain! Without it, I feel...broken! Empty! Like, there's someone to blame...and...I'm letting them get away with it. Kieran: Listen, if you have found a way to turn it off, don't question it! The only person that is responsible for Sean's behavior is...Sean. Cami: Do you really believe that? Kieran: Yes. I do. [Cami stares at her uncle through the screen for a moment, before she gets up and walks out of the church. Kieran sighs. Up in the balcony, Klaus watches Cami leave, and frowns] LAFAYETTE CEMETERY MAUSOLEUM [Sophie is awake now, and struggling against the grips of the masked people who knocked her out. The masked people shackle Sophie to chains hanging from the ceiling] Sophie: Let go of me! [Agnes enters with a bag and sets it on a table] Agnes: Leave her be. Sophie: Killing me to get to Klaus, or his baby is not the answer! Agnes: [roots through her bag] I'm not gonna kill you Sophie, I was there the day you were born. I am the last remaining Elder of our coven. It is my duty to protect our power, and our power means nothing if that baby grows another day. [turns to face Sophie] Sabine's omen was clear. That baby will bring death to us all. Sophie: [scared] What are you gonna do? [Agnes holds up a large, old-looking metal syringe with a long needle] Sophie: [terrified] No, no, Agnes, no. No, no, don't! [Agnes holds Sophie's head down and stabs the needle into her neck] MIKAELSON MANSION [In her bedroom, Hayley yells in pain as she grasps her neck. When she pulls her hand away, she notices blood on her fingers. Rebekah hears her shout, and walks in] Hayley: AHH! Rebekah: What the hell was that? Hayley: Hell if I know, it felt like I was being stabbed. [Hayley and Rebekah get a dawning realization that something bad is happening] ROUSSEAU'S [Elijah and Klaus find Sabine on the floor of the kitchen and Elijah helps her up] Elijah: [gruffly] What happened? Sabine: It was Agnes. [rubs head as she looks around] Her men took Sophie. Klaus: Day one with you in charge, brother, and already the witch linked to Hayley has been abducted by zealots. Elijah: [to Sabine] Where is she? Sabine: If I tell you where Agnes is, you'll just kill her. Klaus: Isn't that obvious? Sabine: Look, I know she's a little...coo-coo, but she's our last living Elder. That might not mean a lot to you, but it means plenty to us. The Elders are the one ones who can do important spells. Elijah: Like completing the Harvest ritual? Sabine: [confused] You know about that? Elijah: Oh, you'd be astounded by the things I know. Klaus: [to Sabine] Allow me to entertain you with today's list of priorities. One, unlink your friend Sophie so she no longer controls the fate of the woman carrying my child. Two, convince my brother to accept my heartfelt apologies for some recently dodgy behavior. Three...there is no three. Elijah: I believe what my brother is attempting to communicate, here, is that neither the life of this Elder, nor the Harvest ritual, nor your coven's connection to magic are of any relevance to him, whatsoever. [beat] Now talk. THE GARDEN [Marcel walks through the gate to the Garden, and approaches Thierry's "cell" amid the groans of pain of the other "inmates."] Marcel: Thierry. Thierry: [weak and groggy] Marcel. Come to punish me again? Marcel: Someone asked if there was anyone I ever trusted. I only came up with one name. You. So, Thierry, you and I are gonna have a little talk about Klaus Mikaelson. [grabs a sledgehammer and starts to break down the wall of bricks surrounding Thierry] MIKAELSON MANSION [Rebekah enters a room where Hayley is sitting in an armchair] Rebekah: Time for the demon spawn to snack! Hayley: I really wish you wouldn't call her that. Rebekah: Oh, sorry, have you picked another name yet? [holds out basket of fruit] Take one, the plantation's lousy with them. [Hayley chooses an apple and grasps it in her hand] Hayley: I feel fine...which is weird. I'm sure it's Sophie-related. Rebekah: Then, do me a favor, and don't die on my watch! I'll never hear the end of it. Hayley: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch. Rebekah: [smiles] What changed your mind? Hayley: Oh, I still think you're a bitch! [smiles] I've just grown to like that about you. Rebekah: [chuckles] Aw, well, that's sweet of you to say. [face turns serious] Remember it when I'm gone. Hayley: Gone? Where are you going? Rebekah: I only came to town to make sure everything was okay with Elijah. He's fine, and he hasn't punished Klaus for daggering him, so...as usual, they'll be thick as thieves, and I'll be left to clean up the mess. [beat] It's time for me to fly the coop. Hayley: Oh...[goes to bite the apple, but then starts to feel woozy] Rebekah: [frowns] What's wrong? Hayley: [shakes head] I dunno, probably morning sickness... Rebekah: [places hand on Hayley's forehead] Oh, you're burning up, actually. LAFAYETTE CEMETERY [Klaus and Elijah have found Sophie, and they break Sophie free from her chains] Sophie: [groans in pain as shackles break] Agnes stuck me with a needle. Cursed objects were created a long time ago. We use them so we don't get busted by Marcel for doing magic. The one she used is called the Needle of Sorrows. It was cursed in 1860 when... Klaus: Jump ahead a few decades and tell us what it does, love? Sophie: It has only one purpose: to kill a child in utero by raising her blood temperature. [Klaus and Elijah are both stunned and furious] Elijah: It's for a miscarriage. [Sophie nods] Elijah: So, how much time do we have to fix this? Sophie: It will do what it's meant to by tonight's high tide. And believe me, it will work. I saw her use a similar object on a kid who went mad and killed a bunch of priests. Klaus: I'd like to have a chat with this Agnes. Where can I find her? Sophie: You won't! There are a thousand places she could hole up to wait it out. Elijah: That's precisely why we need to unlink you from Hayley. No more danger toward her or the child. Sophie: [shakes head in confusion] No, what? If I am not linked to Hayley, I lose my leverage on you. We had a deal! Elijah: We are not on the same side, Sophie Deveraux. Our deal no longer stands! [Sophie is outraged] [SCENE_BREAK] THE GARDEN [Marcel hands Thierry, who is sitting on a step, a canteen of blood, and sits down beside him] Thierry: Does this mean you're pardoning me? Marcel: Aw, you know I can't do that. You broke my number one rule, you killed a vampire, T. I let that go, it'll make me look weak. Thierry: [chugs blood] I warned you about Klaus. Marcel: Yeah, I should've listened. This guy's been in my town for months, but hiding where he lays his head at night. What else is he hiding, is what I want to know! I didn't listen to you before, but I sure as hell am now. Tell me what happened the night that got you put in here, and you might find yourself out by Mardi Gras. Thierry: The night of the Masquerade Party, you sent us rousting in the Cauldron to mess with the witches. So, when Max came in rousting, he went straight for Katie's throat. Now, you said to roust, you didn't say to kill. Now, he's a nightwalker. I'm a daywalker. I told him to stop, and he wouldn't. So I stopped him. That night's on endless loop in my head. I think Max was compelled. Marcel: No. All my guys are on vervain. Thierry: Not if Klaus drained him! Max went missing for a couple days before the rousting, right? Marcel: T, they found stuff you and your girl stole from me in her shop. Thierry: Have you ever been in the Jardin Gris? You can't find your own hand in front of your face in there! And yet somehow, someone went in there, and after a couple minutes, found some stolen goods? [Marcel wipes at his face anxiously, but he is obviously considering Thierry's words] Thierry: Go there! See for yourself! But I'm telling you, besides Max, somebody else in the crew had to be compelled. Watch your back. [takes another swig from the canteen] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Father Kieran has put up a "Substance Abuse Anonymous" sign in order to meet with some city officials] Mayor: So, a few tourists go missing. Okay, we can spin it, no problem. But do you know how hard it is to sell a gas leak story to the city council when a bunch of church windows magically explode? Father Kieran: Mr. Mayor, what is this, an electoral debate? Marcel overstepped, I will handle it. [Klaus enters through front doors] Klaus: Easier said than done. Marcel is quite the little warrior. [Police officer tries to stop him, but Klaus breaks his fingers] Mayor: Who the hell are you? Klaus: My name is Klaus. And you lot are the Faction. Pillars of the community who maintain the city's supernatural balance. Well, I should know. I created this group. Only, in my day, it was a bunch of pirates and corrupt politicians. [looks around at all the men] Looks like nothing's changed. Kieran: One thing has: it's exclusively human now. No vampires allowed, especially no Originals. Klaus: [laughs] I haven't come to join! I've come to ask this group to utilize it's considerable resources to find a witch Elder called Agnes. All I need is an address. Kieran: And, uh, why would we want to help you? Klaus: What if I told you that Agnes was the answer to a question you've been asking since you ran screaming from this town? That she is the witch who hexed your nephew, Sean? Kieran: We'd need some time to discuss-- Klaus: I DON'T. HAVE. TIME. [Kieran chuckles] Klaus: Nor do I like being asked to wait. Kieran: You may have all the vampires in this town cowering in fear, but right now, you are dealing with the humans. And unless you plan on killing all of us, I politely suggest you do as I say, and give us time to discuss it. [gestures widely to the other men in the room] Klaus: [leans in and lowers voice] You know what I like about you, Father? Is you're aware of our reputation, and yet still, you stand tall against me. [beat] Admirable! You have one hour. [turns to leave] Kieran: [speaks once Klaus is gone] I want that witch. Cell phone records, our guys in the 9th. Mayor: For the vampire? Kieran: [sighs] No. For me. DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM [Davina continues to work on the unlinking spell Elijah gave her. She holds her hands over the knot and reads from the page] Davina: Phesmatos omnio legares coldate sangorium. [Davina stares at the knot, which doesn't change. She exhales in frustration and runs her hand through her hair before angrily hitting her easel] MIKAELSON MANSION [Hayley lays in bed as Rebekah blots sweat from her forehead and chest] Rebekah: Stop fussing, will you? Elijah will be here any minute. Hayley: I feel like I've been microwaved. Rebekah: Hey! Just because you're carrying a baby, doesn't mean you get to act like one! I'm sure my little niece is healing you up as we speak. [Elijah runs in with Sophie. Rebekah stands to greet them] Rebekah: What the hell is she doing here? Sophie: [sighs] I'm trying to help. Rebekah: Help? You're the reason we're in this bloody mess! Why aren't we unlinked with this witch already, Elijah? Elijah: Rebekah, let her do what she can. Sophie: I may know a way to slow the fever down. But, I'm gonna need some special herbs. [to Rebekah] I'll text you a list. [Elijah nods at her in encouragement, and she finally relents] Rebekah: [smiles patronizingly] Fine. Happy to play the fetch girl. [Rebekah stomps out of the room, and shoves the towel she was using into Elijah's chest as she leaves] JARDIN GRIN VOODOO SHOP [Rebekah frantically rifles through bottles and jars, looking for the herbs she needs to help Hayley, when Marcel walks in] Marcel: Isn't this Katie's shop? [Rebekah stops, rolls her eyes, and sighs as she goes back to looking for the herbs] Marcel: She leave you the keys in her will, or maybe it's just Help-Yourself Tuesday? [beat] What are you doing here? Rebekah: You know, I read if you mix mugwort with sage, you've got quite a vampire-repellant? Wards off even the most resilient pest. Why are you here? Marcel: Just keeping my city safe from thieves and vandals. But, everytime I turn around, I catch an Original with their hand in the cookie jar! Rebekah: Well, luckily for you, your "cookies" are the last thing on my mind. Marcel: Oh, I can see that! [walks toward her] Though, I can think of a time when things were different. Rebekah: Maybe once. Not anymore. [finds the herbs she needs] Camphor, found it! [quickly exits the shop] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Father Kieran receives a text message from Chief Sullivan that reads, "3631 CHARBONNET ST. LOWER 9TH WARD." He puts his phone in his pocket and goes to leave, but he's stopped by Klaus] Klaus: Going somewhere? Father Kieran: [nervously] You're early. Klaus: Well, it's a good thing I am. You seem hell-bent on enacting vengeance all on your lonesome. The trouble is, I need something from Agnes before you send her off to meet her maker. So, I propose we strike a deal! [sits down in a pew] Bring her here! In exchange, I'll even ensure your niece, Cami, remains safe. Oh, I'd so hate for her to get caught up in all of this. [Later, Agnes is handcuffed and brought to the church by police officers] Agnes: This is outrageous! What is the charge? [The officers sit her in a pew and leave] Kieran: Please, Agnes. You know that Marcel runs the vampires in this town. [He is handed a folded cloth by the officer, which is revealed to hold the Needle of Sorrows] Kieran: Who do you think runs everything else? [holds the needle up and calls out to Klaus] I believe this is what you were looking for? Klaus: [zooms to Kieran's side] Hello, Agnes. Agnes: You made a deal with HIM? Kieran: After what you did to Sean, I'd deal with the devil himself just to make you suffer! Agnes: [stands up and gets in Kieran's face] You can't hurt me, the entire witch community will turn against you! Klaus: ENOUGH! Please, enough! I don't care about witch politics. I don't care about your ridiculous little Harvest ritual. What I care about is this trinket. [holds up Needle of Sorrows] Undo its curse, or I'll show you things worse than death! Agnes: [smirks] Dark objects don't come with an off-switch! The curse took root in Sophie, she's linked to your devil child. It's just a matter of time! MIKAELSON MANSION [Hayley is wrapped in a towel, sitting outside beside the swimming pool. Rebekah stands behind her, checking her temperature, while Elijah assists Sophie in helping with the herbs] Elijah: [removes his coat] She's burning up! We need to do this now. Sophie: Get her in the water! [Elijah jumps into the pool and helps Hayley in. Sophie mixes herbs in a cup and follows them in] Rebekah: I don't see how a midnight swim is supposed to help. Sophie: Her temperature is sky-high. The water, with the help of the herbs, should cool us down. [gets into the pool and hands Hayley a drink] Drink this! [to Elijah] You're going to have to get her heart rate down. Elijah: How do you suggest I do that? Sophie: Hold her. It's a natural human remedy to slow the heart rate and reduce blood pressure. Rebekah: This is never gonna work. Elijah: [holding Hayley bridal-style in the pool] Davina will break the link, we just need time. [Hayley clings to Elijah and groans as she gasps for breath] DAVINA'S ATTIC ROOM / MIKAELSON MANSION SWIMMING POOL [Davina is sitting on her bed, studying the spell intently. She stares at the sanguinum knot on her vanity, and after a moment, she stands up and walks over to it. She picks up the knot with both hands and takes a breath] Davina: [whispers] Phesmatos omnio legares cardate... [In the swimming pool, Hayley hyperventilates] Hayley: I can't breathe! Elijah: Okay, long deep breaths, Hayley! Look at me. Long deep breaths, just focus on the sound of my voice. [whispers] You'll be okay. You'll be okay. Davina: Phesmatos omnio legares cardate sangorium. [The clock on her table chimes as it hits 09:00PM] Hayley: AHHHH! AHHHH! [The knot in Davina's hands floats in the air and begins to unknot itself] [Sophie starts to gasp as the linking spell begins to lift. Hayley continues to groan in pain] [The knot completely unravels itself in midair, and Davina smiles and giggles in happiness] Sophie: [looks up at the sky] I just felt it lift. [Rebekah sighs in relief. Hayley starts to calm down, and Elijah looks stunned. Hayley stands up on her own, but still leans against Elijah. Sophie removes one of her earrings and pokes her palm with it. Hayley doesn't get injured. Elijah holds her hand and he and Hayley stare at each other. Rebekah notices their shared moment, so Elijah quickly lets go and leads Hayley out of the pool] Elijah: Come on, let's go. Sophie: Elijah...as soon as your brother finds out that the link is broken, he'll kill Agnes. I know you don't owe me anything, but please, don't let him kill her. [Elijah zooms out of the pool and pulls his phone out of his jacket on the table] Sophie: Elijah! She's our only access to the power we NEED to survive. Promise me that you'll stop him! Elijah: [dials a number into his phone and raises it to his ear] It's me, where are you? [beat] Don't hurt her. I'll be there shortly. [hangs up and turns to Sophie] I'll make you one last promise. I won't let my brother kill Agnes. [Sophie nods at him, and Elijah picks up his jacket and shoes and walks away. Sophie and Hayley turn to get out of the pool, but Hayley stops Sophie at the steps] Hayley: I know you were just using me to save your people, but try it again, and I'll kill you. [Hayley leaves, and Sophie sighs in defeat] MIKAELSON MANSION [Rebekah walks into Elijah's bedroom as he's finishing getting dressed in dry clothes, and stands in the doorway] Rebekah: [smiles] The unlinking worked! Maybe now we can make plans-- Elijah: Not now, Rebekah. Can we discuss this when I return? [walks toward the door in a hurry] Rebekah: [face turns serious] I won't be here when you return. Elijah: [stops walking and turns to Rebekah] That sounds like a goodbye. Rebekah: ...I guess it is. I only came to New Orleans to make sure you were safe. You are. I thought that I might be able to convince you to come with me, but here you are, rushing into whatever Klaus and Marcel and the witches have cooked up. And I finally get it. [tears up] You'll never leave this city. You'll never leave Klaus. Elijah: [looks at her, and then walks toward her] Then you should stay. Rebekah: [shakes head] This thing that you and Klaus and Marcel have, I want no part of it. [tears fall down her cheeks] I just want to be free. Elijah: [sadly] Well, then, go. [kisses her on the cheek] You are free! [Elijah leaves, and Rebekah tries to compose herself] THE ABBATOIR [Marcel finishes his drink as Rebekah walks into the room] Marcel: Rebekah. Twice in one night. To what do I owe the pleasure? Rebekah: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe farewells are best in person. Marcel: [inhales sharply] You got Elijah back, and now you two are gonna tuck-tail and run? Smart girl. [beat] Have a nice life. Rebekah: He's staying. And I'm not running, I'm disembarking a sinking ship. Marcel: People have been saying this city's been sinking since I was a boy. It ain't going anywhere. But hey! [grabs bottle of scotch] How 'bout one for the road? [pours a glass] Rebekah: Why? So you can liquor me up and convince me to stay? Marcel: [stands up and gets in her face] Why else did you come here? Rebekah: I came to say goodbye. Marcel: [whispers in her ear] Then say it. [The stare into each other's eyes for a moment] Rebekah: Forget it. [She turns to leave, but Marcel grabs her wrist and pulls him toward her, kissing her. She pushes him away and glares at him for a moment, but then runs up to him and starts kissing him. He pushes her away and they start to undress as they make out. Rebekah shoves him onto a chair and sits on his lap as they start to have s*x] ST. ANN'S CATHOLIC CHURCH [Klaus, Agnes, and Father Kieran are still arguing] Klaus: You're a piece of work, Agnes. But, guess what? I'm quite a piece of work myself. You know, I contemplated leaving bits of you artfully arranged outside your family's tomb? I thought it would leave a fitting message. [zooms over to Agnes and pulls her up into a chokehold] Don't. Touch. My. Family. [Elijah enters and approaches them] Elijah: Leave her. [Klaus pulls Agnes into a headlock and stands back as he watches Elijah walk down the aisle] Elijah: I gave my word. [Father Kieran stands up to greet Elijah] Klaus: You tend to give your word at the most inopportune times, brother. We've been doing things your way all day. Come on! Just one little snap and it's "Toodle-loo, Agnes." She deserves it! Elijah: Niklaus, don't make another move. You have asked for my forgiveness. I will grant you that forgiveness, but do not make me break my word. [Klaus glares at his brother as he considers it. After a moment, he lets Agnes go] Klaus: [opens arms wide] My noble brother, how was that for personal growth, eh? Still, it is just like you to spoil all of my fun. Elijah: [stares Agnes in the eyes] Oh, not exactly. [Elijah zooms over to one of the men who helped Agnes and rips his heart out, throws a second man up into the air, and does the same to a third as he rips out the man's heart. He turns to Klaus with a bloody heart in each hand, and drops them to the floor. He pulls out his pocket square to wipe his hands as Agnes stares in horror, and Klaus grins proudly behind her] Elijah: Now, I swore you would not die by my brother's hand. I said nothing of my own. [grabs Agnes in a chokehold and pushes her backwards] Nobody hurts my family and lives. [snaps her neck, and turns to leave] No one. THE ABBATOIR [Rebekah leans on the balcony railing and looks at the people on the street, wearing Marcel's button-up shirt. He comes up behind her and nuzzles at her neck] Rebekah: Mmm. I've been away from this home almost a hundred years, and you haven't changed a thing in my bedroom. Marcel: [smiles] I guess I was holding out hope that you'd come back to it. Though, I imagine it's not quite as comfortable as those beds at the Palace Royale Hotel. Rebekah: [smiles awkwardly] It's plenty comfortable! [turns to her bag] I'm famished! [She pulls an apple out of her bag and offers it to him] Marcel: Nah, apples aren't my thing. Rebekah: They were your favorite, one upon a time. Marcel, Ah, they were! I'd get my ass beat if I ever ate them working on that plantation. Even the spoiled ones. Now, they just remind me of a time when I couldn't have things. Rebekah: [leans against Marcel and grabs his arms] Well, now you can have whatever you want. [beat] Come with me. Marcel: And go where, Rebekah? Rebekah: Wherever we want to! We can build a home together, we can leave behind Klaus, this city, and those Orphan-Annie vampires... Marcel: Whoa, whoa, those "Orphan-Annie vampires" are my family, and this city is my home. Rebekah: It was my home, too, once. I left. Marcel: You ran. I stayed! This empire thrives because of me, and you want me to run? A man does not run from his home! Rebekah: I've lived a lot longer than you have, Marcellus. I have seen kings rise, and fall, but there is one thing I know to be true. It is that no matter how matter how big your empire becomes, it is nothing if you have no one to share it with. [she glares at him] You want New Orleans? Have it. I won't be here to stop you. [shoves the apple into his chest and leaves] [Marcel stares out at the street as he thinks about what just happened. It looks at the apple, and brings it to his nose to smell it] MIKAELSON MANSION [Josh has stopped by to find Klaus. Hayley answers the door] Josh: Where is he? I've been trying to find him all day. Marcel KNOWS that Klaus lied to him about where he lives. Hayley: I'm not his damn keeper, Josh. Josh: Fine! Just...tell him to call me, please. Hayley: Okay. [shuts door] [Josh walks away from the house, not knowing that Marcel is standing behind the tree, and has heard the entire conversation. Marcel sees a bunch of apples that have fallen from the apple tree and onto the ground. He picks one up, and we flashback to when Marcel was just a young boy, and was being whipped by a slavemaster. Young Marcel picks up an apple and lobs it at the man in anger. Marcel looks at the apple in his hand, and then looks over at the door] [Someone knocks on the door again. Hayley goes to answer, thinking it's Josh again, but it's Marcel] Hayley: Ugh, what the hell, Josh? [opens door to find Marcel and is startled] Marcel: [smiles] Hi there, I'm Marcel. I don't think we've met! [Hayley looks scared and angry] ROUSSEAU'S BAR [Cami is cleaning up at the bar when Klaus comes in to see her] Cami: What are you doing here? Klaus: Do you remember the promise I made you? Cami: Promise? No. [looks at Klaus, and his compulsion kicks in] Yes. You promised you'd find out what happened to Sean. Klaus: And I kept my word. Your twin brother's behavior was not born of natural causes. A witch hexed him to commit those murders, and kill himself. Cami: I knew it. I knew he wasn't crazy. Who is this witch? Klaus: Well, you needn't trouble yourself over her. She's already paid for her actions in blood. Cami: Wait, what? You killed somebody? Klaus: Ah, well, I had a hand in the matter, yeah... [Cami slaps him in the face] Klaus: [frustrated] Forgive me if I'm a little surprised by your reaction-- Cami: How the hell am I supposed to react? You just made me culpable in a revenge murder I never asked for! Klaus: I've been alive for a thousand years, and I can assure you, many people have died for far less! Besides, now you can find comfort in the truth! [awkwardly pats her arm] Cami: [shrugs away from him angrily] The truth? You compel me, you make me at peace with something that should be tearing me up inside! I don't know how, but I WILL undo whatever the hell it is you've done to me! And when I do, you're gonna wish you'd never laid eyes on me! [Klaus stares at her sadly for a moment, and the zooms away. A few seconds pass, and Cami suddenly forgets everything that just happened, due to Klaus' compulsion. OUTSIDE ROUSSEAU'S [Outside, Klaus angrily stomps away from the bar, but Marcel catches up with him] Marcel: Hey, where you been? [Klaus stops walking, and rolls his eyes in annoyance before turning to Marcel] Marcel: Not still mad about our tiff the other night, are you? Klaus: [smiles fakely] Water under the bridge. Marcel: Cami's all yours if you're interested. I'm feeling like right now's not the right time to pursue a relationship. Life's all about timing, you know? Speaking of, I swung by your house earlier to commiserate over a drink, but I must have just missed you. Klaus: Oh, the Palace Royale didn't suit me, I moved on weeks ago. Marcel: [smiles and shakes his head] Nooo, I mean your other place. MIKAELSON MANSION [Elijah comes home to find the house empty.] Elijah: [looks around] Hayley? OUTSIDE ROUSSEAU'S Marcel: Interesting location to put down your roots, the same plantation where I was a slave. I guess that's why you never invited me over. Klaus: Well, how rude of me. I'll speak to Elijah. I'm sure he'll be pleased to host you and Davina for the evening! Especially after you were so hospitable to him. [smiles] Marcel: [smiles and chuckles] Good! I look forward to it. [He and Klaus continue to shake hands, but as soon as Marcel leaves, Klaus' smile disappears and begins to look worried] MIKAELSON MANSION / REBEKAH'S RED CONVERTIBLE [Elijah calls Rebekah from the house, as she is on her way out of town in her car] Rebekah: [on speakerphone] Goodbye means goodbye, Elijah. Elijah: [worried] Is she with you? Rebekah: What the hell are you talking about? Elijah: Hayley's gone, where is she? Rebekah: WHAT? [Klaus walks into Hayley's room anxiously and joins Elijah] Klaus: Marcel was here. [Elijah looks stunned, and absently drops the phone from his ear] Wiki

When Klaus discovers Hayley's life is being threatened, he goes to extreme lengths to protect her and their unborn baby. Having a difficult time dealing with the tragic events of her past, Cami turns to Father Kieran for guidance. Feeling as though he can trust no one, Marcel visits an old friend to seek out some advice, while Davina takes steps to learn how to control her magic. Finally, Klaus delivers some surprising news to Father Kieran.

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THE SEEDS OF DOOM BY ROBERT BANKS STEWART PART ONE 6:00pm - 6:25pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: ANTARCTICA (The wind blows and the snow falls in the Antarctic region. Icebergs bob up and down within the rough ocean. In blizzard-like conditions, a man with heavy-weather clothing is kneeling in the snow by a wall, digging with a small pickaxe. Another man joins him, wearing similar clothes. He kneels and communicates with his companion, necessarily shouting because of the howling wind. The two men are Charles Winlett, and Derek Moberley, workers on an Antarctic research station.) MOBERLEY: Come on Charles, we've got enough samples, surely! WINLETT: This isn't ice - this is something else. Have a look. (He reaches down and extracts a small round object, frozen with ice and snow, but unrecognizable to both men.) MOBERLEY: What is it? WINLETT: Don't know! Let's get it back to camp. (They both stand up ready to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (After an exterior shot of the research station, the round object is being examined on a table by the third member of the research team, John Stevenson. He scrapes away the excess ice to reveal a solid, rough, dark green pod or egg. Moberley and Winlett enter.) MOBERLEY: Animal, vegetable, or mineral? STEVENSON: Vegetable. WINLETT: Yes, that's what we thought. (Stevenson holds up the pod on a tray in front of them.) STEVENSON: The cutaneous creasing is unmistakable. When it's properly thawed out I can...confirm it with a cytology test. (Winlett is prodding the pod with a scalpel.) WINLETT: The skin looks as hard as iron. STEVENSON: Yes, it is a bit of a cannonball. How deep in the permafrost was it? WINLETT: About the er... 9th layer. MOBERLEY: And that means it's been there for ooh...20 thousand years? What do you make of it, John? STEVENSON: Nothing at all yet. MOBERLEY (joking): Oh, and I thought you were meant to be a botanist. STEVENSON: I've not seen anything remotely like it. WINLETT: It looks tropical to me, like a gourd. MOBERLEY: Oh rubbish Charles. If it's from the late Pleistocene period, it can't be tropical. It's a few million years since this part of Antarctica was rainforest. WINLETT: Oh that's the accepted theory. Discoveries like this have destroyed accepted theories before now. Isn't that right, John? (Stevenson is far less casual about the situation than the others. Without even listening to Winlett, he hesitantly touches the pod a few times with his finger. Winlett tries to get his attention but he seems distracted and confused.) WINLETT: ...John? STEVENSON: ...hmm? Sorry. MOBERLEY: Is something wrong? STEVENSON: ...Don't you feel it? MOBERLEY: Feel what? STEVENSON: I don't know - there's something... odd...something...you don't feel it? MOBERLEY (laughing): It must be that rice pudding you had for lunch! (Winlett laughs, but Stevenson doesn't. He steps closer to Moberley.) STEVENSON: I'm not joking. ... It's alive. That's it. It's alive. MOBERLEY: Are you serious?! STEVENSON: Yes. WINLETT: How can you tell? STEVENSON: I don't know - but I'm certain that this is a living organism. (Moberley breaks the intense atmosphere.) MOBERLEY: ...Yes well I think we should have some coffee. WINLETT: Coffee and a game of three-handed crib. Come on! (He takes Stevenson around the shoulders and leads him off. Stevenson doesn't relax, and he turns back to look at the pod.) STEVENSON: I'll transmit pictures to London, they might have some idea. WINLETT: John, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: WORLD ECOLOGY BUREAU - OFFICE (A man in a suit is getting a file from a cabinet. He is Richard Dunbar of the World Ecology Bureau.) DUNBAR: Sir Colin insists that I show you these photographs which have just been received from my expedition. (As the camera follows him, it shows that it is the Doctor whom Dunbar is talking to. He is sitting on Dunbar's desk and he seems more interested in his yo-yo than what Dunbar is saying.) DUNBAR: Personally, I don't think you can help us. DOCTOR: Don't you? Well... (Dunbar reluctantly hands him the file. Dunbar looks around uncomfortably.) DOCTOR: Do sit down, Mr. Dunbar. (Unable to sit in his own chair as the Doctor would be almost on top of him, he walks all the way around the far side of the desk and sits in the chair usually provided for the visitors.) DUNBAR: These pictures have baffled all the experts. The only reasonable explanation seems to be that the pod is from some extinct species of plant. (The Doctor spins around to face Dunbar, he sits in Dunbar's chair and there is a bang as he rests his boots on Dunbar's desk. He doesn't look up from the file.) DOCTOR: Have you considered an alternative explanation. DUNBAR: Name one. DOCTOR: Well...that it might have originated in outer space. DUNBAR (amused): My dear Doctor, if you've seen anything like that before, you must have a very powerful telescope. DOCTOR (unimpressed): Mr. Dunbar, how long is it since there was vegetation in Antarctica? DUNBAR: I thought you were the expert in these matters. Well as a matter of fact, that's one of the things our expedition is trying to discover. It was found fairly deep in the permafrost; say...20-30 thousand years under the ice... DOCTOR: Ssh. It might still be ticking. DUNBAR: What? (The Doctor suddenly seems interested and he stands up abruptly, walking around the desk.) DOCTOR: A time-bomb, Mr. Dunbar, a time-bomb. Are you in contact with the expedition? DUNBAR: My superior, Sir Colin Thackeray has a daily video link. Ten minutes of satellite time. DOCTOR: Good. Tell them to keep a constant guard upon the pod, and not to touch it until I arrive. DUNBAR: You're leaving immediately? DOCTOR: Why not? I've got my toothbrush. (He turns around and for some reason has a toothbrush in his hand. He starts to leave but ducks back in for a few more words.) DOCTOR: Remember, no touch pod - could be dangerous. (He shuts the door. Dunbar stares incredulously after him for a while, then turns to his desk and picks up a phone.) DUNBAR: Sir Colin? Dunbar here. That chap you called in from UNIT - is he quite sane?! [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Stevenson measures the pod with a pair of pincers. He looks worried about the measurement and mutters to himself. He gets up and goes to the door.) STEVENSON: Charles? WINLETT (oov): Yes? STEVENSON: Here a minute. (Winlett enters and they walk over to the table to look at the pod.) WINLETT: What's up? STEVENSON: It's growing. WINLETT: Eh? STEVENSON: It's grown five centimetres since this morning. WINLETT: Are you sure? STEVENSON: Check it yourself if you don't believe me. WINLETT: But it doesn't seem possible. STEVENSON: I knew there was still life there - I said so didn't I? WINLETT: But it's just a pod, I mean...no root system. How can it grow without feeding? STEVENSON: Sunlight, Charles - ultra-violet radiation. WINLETT: But plants need nitrogen. STEVENSON: I believe this is fundamentally different. ... We may be cultivating something that is going to...shatter all our ideas about plant growth. WINLETT: Yes, well er...don't get carried away John. (He gets up and starts to leave.) WINLETT: Remember what London said. STEVENSON: What do you mean? WINLETT: That we leave this thing alone. (Stevenson looks annoyed and walks over to Winlett.) STEVENSON: Until this Doctor character arrives, why should we? It's our pod. WINLETT: John, we're working for the World Ecology Bureau. STEVENSON: Oh he's probably some old crank that Thackeray's dug up out of retirement! He'd have no more idea about the pod than we have. WINLETT: We'll soon find out, he's due in tomorrow. STEVENSON: And who needs him. It's our discovery. The less said about it the better. [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: CHASE ESTATE - NURSERY (There is a shot of a large mansion. Inside, a butler, Hargreaves, is showing a man into a nursery. The man is Dunbar. He carries a suitcase. They approach the main part of the nursery, where a small man in a suit can be seen with his back to them. Hargreaves announces Dunbar.) HARGREAVES: Mr. Dunbar, of the World Ecology Bureau, sir. (Hargreaves leaves. Dunbar waits for the man to turn around. Harrison Chase, owner of the mansion, is a small eccentric man wearing a black suit and black gloves. Finally deciding to notice Dunbar, he walks towards him.) CHASE: I don't think I've had the pleasure. And what is your bureau doing about bonsai? DUNBAR: Bonsai, Mr. Chase? CHASE: Mutilation and torture, Mr. Dunbar. The hideous, grotesque Japanese practice of miniaturizing shrubs and trees. What is your bureau doing about that? DUNBAR: Well...I... CHASE: No answer. You are concerned about the fate of the blue whale, and the natterjack toad - and the loveliest, most defenceless part of creation; the great kingdom of plant life receives no protection at all. DUNBAR: We try to conserve all the endangered species. CHASE: I'm delighted to hear that, Mr. Dunbar. Of course you know of my concern...my mission: to protect the plant life of Mother Earth? DUNBAR: I do, Mr. Chase - which is why I've come to show you something. A totally new kind of plant. (Dunbar opens his suitcase and retrieves some photographs.) CHASE (angry): Hybrids! A crime against nature! DUNBAR: No, not a hybrid. It's a mysterious unidentified pod recently discovered by one of our expeditions. (He hands the suddenly interested Chase the photographs.) CHASE (excited): Where was this found? DUNBAR: There's a theory that it's floated through space from some other biosphere. The really important thing is, it may be still viable and able to germinate. CHASE: Mr. Dunbar. I asked you where this pod was found. DUNBAR: In the Antarctic. Now in our violent and uncertain world, Mr. Chase, anything could happen. Such a valuable specimen could easily disappear...for a price? CHASE: Where in the Antarctic? I should want to know the precise location. (Dunbar gets an envelope from his pocket and hands it to Chase. Chase walks over and picks up a column-shaped object, an intercom of some sort.) CHASE: Hargreaves? HARGREAVES (oov): Yes, sir? CHASE: You and Mr. Scorby please. HARGREAVES (oov): Certainly sir. (He puts down the intercom. He opens the envelope as Dunbar approaches behind him.) DUNBAR: X marks the spot. CHASE: Forethought and initiative, Mr. Dunbar, two excellent attributes. We shall meet again very soon to discuss your...remuneration. DUNBAR: You're very kind. (There is a knock on the door.) CHASE: Come. (Hargreaves enters with a tall, tough-looking man.) HARGREAVES: Yes, sir? CHASE: Hargreaves, show Mr. Dunbar out. HARGREAVES: This way, Mr. Dunbar. (They leave.) SCORBY: You wanted to see me, Mr. Chase? CHASE: Yes, Scorby. I'm sending you on a little errand, and I want you to take Mr. Keeler with you. [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (The pod sits in its place on the table. Winlett wakes up from a doze. He sips his coffee and puts the cup back down, resting his arm near the pod. He looks at it for a while, then slowly drops back to sleep. Suddenly the pod starts to crackle and it opens outwards. A long weed-like vine grows out from the pod and attaches itself to Winlett's arm! Winlett wakes up and is terrified. He struggles away from the table, seemingly in great pain, staggering and falling onto the ground.) WINLETT: Aaah...Derek...! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Stevenson hears the scream and jumps off his bunk.) STEVENSON: Was that Charles? MOBERLEY: What? What's happening? (They both hurry out to find Winlett.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (They find Winlett on the ground.) STEVENSON: Charles? (Stevenson rolls Winlett over onto his back, and alarmingly Winlett's face is now green and his skin is completely rough! His unconscious eyes stare out into nothingness.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: WORLD ECOLOGY BUREAU - OFFICE (In the near future, Sir Colin Thackeray talks to Dunbar.) THACKERAY: This Telex from Stevenson, what do you make of it? (Dunbar picks up the piece of paper and reads it.) DUNBAR: 'Pod carries infection, Winlett seriously ill, Medicaid needed urgently.' Could have been more informative, Sir Colin. THACKERAY: He probably doesn't know any more. I have ordered Medical Team to go to the base, but I understand the weather conditions are bad. It's bound to take at least a day or two. DUNBAR: The people from UNIT should be arriving now, perhaps they can help. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, EXT: RESEARCH STATION (A helicopter begins to land near the base. A short time later, with heavy snow falling, Moberley comes out to greet the Doctor and Sarah. Moberley and Sarah are dressed heavily, while the Doctor has not changed his attire at all. Everyone has to shout over the wind and the noise of the helicopter.) MOBERLEY: Hello! So you made it! Welcome to the loneliest spot on Earth. You must be the Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. MOBERLEY: We were expecting someone much older. DOCTOR: Well I'm only 749, used to be even younger! MOBERLEY: Derek Moberley. SARAH: Sarah Jane Smith. The young Doctor's assistant. DOCTOR: How many of you live here? MOBERLEY: Anything up to a dozen, but of course we're down to three at the moment. Let's get inside... SARAH: Yes. DOCTOR: Where are the others? MOBERLEY: Out at the South Bend (?) not 60 miles away, measuring the ice caps, if they're getting this kind of weather they're welcome to it! Come on. (Much to Sarah's relief, they finally make it inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: RESEARCH STATION - CORRIDOR (Sarah removes a glove and puts her frozen finger in her mouth to warm it up.) SARAH: How do you stand it? MOBERLEY: Oh, sometimes it gets quite warm. 10 degrees below freezing. SARAH: Crikey, I feel as though I've got frostbite already! MOBERLEY: I'll get you something hot to drink in a tick. (He turns to the Doctor.) MOBERLEY: Er, are you okay dressed like that, you don't seem to notice the cold. DOCTOR: I haven't come ten thousand miles to discuss the weather, Mr. Moberley; can I see the sick man? MOBERLEY: Yes of course, down this way. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY (The now almost unrecognizable form of Winlett is lying on a bed. The Doctor and Stevenson stand nearby.) STEVENSON: He seems to be conscious, but he hasn't spoken a word since last night. DOCTOR: What's his body temperature? STEVENSON: Well that's the amazing thing. I've been trying to keep him warm but it's dropping hourly. DOCTOR: And the pulse rate? STEVENSON: His body temperature is 46; his pulse rate is 18 a minute. I'm no medical expert, but on those figures he should be dead, shouldn't he? DOCTOR: I wonder. (The Doctor pulls back the sheet to reveal Winlett's body; no longer does he have human skin, and instead he is fully covered in green plant-like skin.) STEVENSON: Good grief! It wasn't like that an hour ago. DOCTOR: Then it's accelerating. How long before a medical team arrives? STEVENSON: Well it's difficult to say in these conditions. Hopefully tomorrow. DOCTOR: I don't think that's going to be soon enough, Mr. Stevenson. [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Moberley passes a cup of coffee to Sarah, who looks very cold.) MOBERLEY: There, that ought to warm you up. SARAH: Thanks. (She drinks some coffee.) MOBERLEY: Better? SARAH: Mm. So you say you just found this pod lying there empty. MOBERLEY: Yes, and Charles in that state. Now does that make any kind of sense to you? (An alarm goes off nearby.) MOBERLEY: Would you excuse me? Radio. SARAH: Oh sure. (He gets up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY STEVENSON: Have you any idea what it could be, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes. That's why I came here. STEVENSON: I thought you came here to see the pod. DOCTOR: Exactly - before anything happened. Unfortunately it already has! Where's the lab? STEVENSON: I'll show you. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Moberley is on the radio.) MOBERLEY: Okay Mike, but try to get something moving, his condition is pretty desperate. Over. MIKE (radio): Understood. Out. (Stevenson and the Doctor walk in.) MOBERLEY: Bad news, John. That was Mike Wilson at South Bend. The medical team's turned back. STEVENSON: What about Charles? Did you tell them how bad he is? MOBERLEY: They were in white out conditions and their Snow Cat's fallen intro a crevasse. But Mike is in touch with the Royal Marine Survival Team - they might be able to help. They'll try again as soon as the weather lifts. STEVENSON: Well that'll be too late! He's dying! Isn't he Doctor? DOCTOR: No. STEVENSON: I thought you said in the sick bay... DOCTOR: It's more serious than death, Mr. Stevenson. He's changing form. STEVENSON: Changing form? DOCTOR: Yes. We need a blood test. MOBERLEY: I'm a zoologist - I could prepare a specimen slide if it'll help? DOCTOR: Yes it would help, thank you. MOBERLEY: Right. (He leaves. The Doctor has only one word for Stevenson. He leans in closer and stares at him.) DOCTOR: Pod. STEVENSON: It's over here. (They move over and Stevenson picks up the tray with the opened pod on it. The Doctor examines it.) DOCTOR (quietly, but furious): Why did it open? Why? STEVENSON: Well that...that could be my fault. It was frozen stiff when we took it out of the ice. I was certain there was still life there. I put in under a lamp and it started to expand. DOCTOR: Mr. Stevenson, what you have done could result in the total destruction of all life on this planet. (Stevenson stares back in disbelief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY (Moberley takes the blood sample from Winlett. He puts it down and looks at the monster his friend has become. His condition is even worse than before.) MOBERLEY: Charles? We're trying our best Charles. Help's on its way. (He gets up sadly and with one final look back, he leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, EXT: ANTARCTICA (A pickaxe is digging in the ice. It is the Doctor, covered in snow. Sarah and Stevenson watch nearby.) SARAH: Doctor? Doctor, what are we looking for? DOCTOR: Are you sure this is the place, Stevenson? STEVENSON: Yes, and if you told us what you were doing, perhaps we could help. (The Doctor doesn't even bother to look up. He keeps digging until he finds something in the ice.) DOCTOR: Yes! Just as I thought! SARAH: Another pod! STEVENSON: How did you...Will there be any more? DOCTOR: No. They travel in pairs - like policeman. SARAH: What are we going to do with it - buy it a truncheon? DOCTOR: No. Take it into custody and keep it in the freezer. [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Night time, Stevenson puts the pod into a big freezer.) STEVENSON: Well that ought to keep it cool. SARAH: Who sold you that, an Eskimo? STEVENSON: I know a freezer seems superfluous out here, but we do need it to keep snow sample in - until they're analysed. MOBERLEY (oov): Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? (Moberley is looking in a microscope.) MOBERLEY: Take a look at this blood sample. (The Doctor goes over to look.) DOCTOR: How's Winlett? MOBERLEY: Winlett. He's barely recognisable. It's as if he's turning into some sort of a hideous monster. DOCTOR: That's exactly what is happening, Moberley. MOBERLEY: Yes but there must be an answer. DOCTOR: You can just increase the magnification...ah...yes! Take a look at that. (Moberley looks.) MOBERLEY: These aren't blood platelets? DOCTOR (to Stevenson): Do you recognise them? (Stevenson looks. He is shocked by what he sees.) STEVENSON: Schizophytes. DOCTOR: Exactly. STEVENSON: I don't believe it. It's not possible. SARAH: Would someone mind explaining what these schizophytes are please? STEVENSON: The smallest known living organisms. Plant bacteria. SARAH: Plant bacteria, in someone's bloodstream? DOCTOR: Interesting, isn't it. A human being whose blood is turning into vegetable soup. SARAH: Listen... (They hear the sound of engines.) MOBERLEY: That's very low by the sound of it. STEVENSON: It's the medical aircraft. Quick Derek, get the landing strip (?) lights on. MOBERLEY: They won't see anything in this blizzard (?) (They go back into the living quarters, their voices hard to hear over the engine noise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Moberley and Stevenson are getting dressed to go outside.) SARAH: Should we come out and help you? MOBERLEY: No, John and I know our way around out there - it's easy to get lost. SARAH: Okay. MOBERLEY: You ready? STEVENSON: Ready. MOBERLEY: Right. (They leave.) SARAH: Will they be able to help that man? DOCTOR: I don't know Sarah. He's halfway towards becoming a Krynoid. SARAH: Krynoid? DOCTOR: Yes. A progression of the pod. SARAH: So you recognised it. DOCTOR: Yes, I was fairly certain when I saw the photographs. Now I'm sure. SARAH: Well, what is a Krynoid? I mean, what does it do? DOCTOR: I suppose you could call it a galactic weed. Except it's deadlier than any weed you know. SARAH: In what way? DOCTOR: Well on most planets, the animals eat the vegetation, hmm? SARAH: Mmhmm. DOCTOR: On planets where the Krynoid gets established, the vegetation eats the animals. SARAH: But that's terrifying! DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Well how did it get through space? DOCTOR: An obvious question - I wish I knew the answer. Possibly their planet of origin is turbulent from time to time, that any internal explosions could cause surface matter to go shooting into space... SARAH: So what do we do about Winlett? DOCTOR: I'm thinking Sarah, I'm thinking. [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: RESEARCH STATION - CORRIDOR (From outside, Moberley and Stevenson help two other men into the shelter, directing them down to the living quarters. All four men are dressed heavily and covered in snow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LIVING QUARTERS (Sarah goes to help; the two new men are shown to chairs. The Doctor doesn't bother to help.) MOBERLEY: ...into the chair. SARAH: ...let me take that. STEVENSON: Come on, sit yourselves down. SARAH: Come on, sit down over here. (The two men are not the medical team though; it is Scorby and Keeler - on their 'errand'.) STEVENSON: Get some brandy, Derek. MOBERLEY: Right. DOCTOR: Is this the medical team? STEVENSON: They were flying a private plane. MOBERLEY: They just got themselves lost. Brandy. (He hands the two men cups. They thank him and drink it.) KEELER: Sorry to be such a nuisance. SCORBY: Yeah, we were nearly out of fuel when we saw your lights. SARAH: You were very lucky; lights are few and far between out here. DOCTOR: I'd like to take another look at the patient. STEVENSON: What, now? DOCTOR: Now. Yes come on. STEVENSON: You just relax and __? SCORBY: Alright, thanks. (The Doctor, Sarah, Moberley and Stevenson leave.) KEELER: Do you think they swallowed it? If they start asking too many questions... SCORBY: Why worry, Keeler? What can they do? [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: RESEARCH STATION - SICK BAY (The four arrive in the sick bay to find Winlett totally transformed; a big green pile in only a vague human shape.) SARAH: That's horrible. Horrible! DOCTOR: The process is almost complete. MOBERLEY: And we can do nothing except just watch it happen. DOCTOR: There is something you can do but it's drastic. STEVENSON: Well, what? DOCTOR: Amputate the arm. MOBERLEY: What good what that do? Can't you see the infection's all over his body? DOCTOR: Yes well the arm's the source of the infection - it might stop it spreading. MOBERLEY: You say might, what you mean is you don't know! DOCTOR: Well of course I don't know! But it would give you a breathing space while you try and find an antidote - that's a chance worth taking isn't it? MOBERLEY: And who's going to perform this operation? DOCTOR: Oh you are, Moberley, you're the only one who can. MOBERLEY (horrified): But I'm not a surgeon...What about you, you're a doctor! DOCTOR: You must help yourselves. SARAH: He's not a doctor of medicine. Stevenson's a botanist, you're a zoologist. Ask yourself who is most qualified among us. MOBERLEY: But, I can't operate on Winlett - it's absurd! SARAH: Oh at least you could try. You studied physiology, you know how to handle a scalpel... MOBERLEY: To dissect dead specimens, yes, but Charles is a human being. SARAH: He won't be much longer if you don't operate! (to Stevenson) Look, have you got a medical kit? STEVENSON: We have a full medical kit in the lab. SARAH (to Moberley): Well? Well what about it? You're his last chance! STEVENSON: Derek, we'll help you in every way we can. (Moberley is clearly horrified at what they are asking him to do. There is a long silence while he decides.) MOBERLEY: I'll...do my best. DOCTOR: You're a good man, Moberley. Come on, let's get started. SARAH: Right. (They leave. After they have all gone, the being that was once Winlett slowly sits up. It looks around the room - only one of its eyes can be seen clearly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: RESEARCH STATION - LABORATORY (Some solutions and medical instruments have been prepared. Moberley picks up the tray with the equipment on it.) MOBERLEY: I'll take these down to the sick bay and start setting up. DOCTOR: You'll need more lights in there. STEVENSON: I can fix that. DOCTOR: Winlett's still got a chance. [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: RESEARCH STATION - CORRIDOR (Moberley walks down the corridor heading for the sick bay. He sees something and stops.) MOBERLEY: Charles. (The creature is in the shadows, leaning against the wall. It makes a sort of screeching sound. Moberley puts down the equipment and walks towards his old friend. But the creature grabs him around the neck with tremendous power and throttles Moberley to the ground...)

Members of the World Ecology Bureau discover a centuries-old seed pod buried deep in Antarctica's permafrost. It seems to be still alive, growing without soil. They transmit a photo to London where Richard Dunbar of the W.E.B. shares it with the Doctor. Wary of what it might be, the Doctor immediately flies down with Sarah. They don't know that Dunbar is a leak in the bureau and has tipped off the discovery to a rich plant fanatic named Harrison Chase. Chase sends a thug and a plant expert down to verify the discovery and fetch it back by any means possible. But before anyone arrives, the pod hatches and the tendril-like life form within attaches itself to one of the men, turning him green. It's as The Doctor feared: they're dealing with a Krynoid.

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[CHARMED LOGO: TRIQUETRA] HOLLY MARIE COMBS (NARRATOR): Previously, on 'Charmed' ... FLASH TO: [Scenes from 8X01: Still Charmed and Kicking] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (Phoebe throws something into the potions pot. The contents explode.) PHOEBE: Viola! New identities. VICTOR BENNETT: How is it you can see your other selves reflected in the mirror? PHOEBE: It's part of the spell. [MIRROR'S REFLECTION] (They all look at their reflection in the mirror. They see their 'new' selves.) PIPER: You know, this just might work. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN DOOR - DAY] (Phoebe and Paige peer out the kitchen door. Phoebe's looking at Dex Lawson.) PAIGE: Who is he? PHOEBE: I don't know his name. It's some guy that I used to see in the elevator all the time at work. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - ELEVATOR - DAY] (Phoebe introduces her new self to Dex Lawson.) PHOEBE: I'm Julie, Phoebe's cousin. DEX LAWSON: Dex. Dex Lawson. PHOEBE: Dex Lawson. Nice to meet you, Dex. DEX LAWSON: You, too. (They shake hands. Phoebe has a premonition.) (Quick premonition of: [EXT. MANOR - FRONT PORCH - DAY] Phoebe is in a wedding dress; Dex is in a tux. And they're kissing. They look at each other and smile.) (Dex carries Phoebe over the threshold and into the house.) (End of premonition. Resume to present.) TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL - NIGHT] (A new girl is fighting three demons. Paige shouts a warning to the new girl.) PAIGE: Behind you! PIPER: Shh! (Billie turns and throws the athame at Haas who flames out. The athame misses him.) (Billie quickly runs out the front door, disappearing into the night.) HAAS: (v.o.) It could be ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. UNDERWORLD] HAAS: ... that The Charmed Ones are still alive. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF PREVIOUSLY ON. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY] (Piper brushes her teeth.) PIPER: What if a demon attacks while I'm out? LEO: (o.s.) They're not going to attack, all right? They think you're dead. PIPER: No, I don't mean here, I mean anywhere, in general. (Leo walks into the bathroom.) LEO: What do you mean, like anywhere around the city? (She spits into the sink.) PIPER: Yeah. What am I supposed to do, just ignore it? (Leo looks at his reflection and notices how short he is compared to Piper.) LEO: I should've gone taller. I always wanted to be taller. PIPER: Are you listening to me? LEO: Yes. Just ignore it. Why'd you go blonde? PIPER: I don't know. I didn't have a lot of time to think about it. Besides, I kind of like it. (Paige walks into the bathroom.) PAIGE: (moans) Leo, the jingling is back. Can you help me get rid of it? LEO: Just ignore it. PIPER: That's his advice for the day. Excuse me. (Piper walks out of the bathroom. Paige curls her eye lashes while Leo continues to try to make himself taller.) PAIGE: I can't ignore it. It's relentless. What does that little witch want anyway? LEO: I don't know. Maybe she doesn't even know she's calling you. You know, sometimes new charges don't. Sometimes it's just subliminal. PAIGE: How am I supposed to get my life back, then? (Phoebe walks into the bathroom.) PHOEBE: Your life? What about my life? PAIGE: What about it? (Phoebe sits up on the sink counter.) PHOEBE: How am I supposed to marry a guy I just met in an elevator? PAIGE: Excuse me, but I was obsessing first. (Piper returns to the bathroom with her lip gloss.) PIPER: No, no, no. Excuse me. No, actually I was. PHOEBE: I think marrying a complete stranger wins. I mean, he doesn't even know who I really am. PIPER: Ok, but he's a really, really cute stranger. And, you know what, guys, do you mind? PAIGE: At least he's not driving you crazy. LEO: Maybe you should try meditating. PHOEBE: I just got my life back. I don't want to get hitched yet. PIPER: There's nothing wrong with getting hitched. Now, guys, really, okay? Back to my life. PAIGE: Maybe I should go to Magic School to get rid of it. PHOEBE: I mean, he is cute and all. PAIGE: But then again, you know, I could risk exposure. PHOEBE: I don't even know what he does. (Piper whistles loudly, startling everyone silent.) PIPER: Family meeting now! (Piper leaves the bathroom.) PAIGE: If she didn't want to go to Magic School, all she had to do was tell me. PHOEBE: You're in trouble. PAIGE: What to do? (Everyone steps out of the bathroom.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY] (Haas walks through the hallway. He pushes the damaged double doors open and steps into the Great Hall. The Great Hall is damaged - furniture overturned and broken, paper litters the floor. He meets up with other demons.) BLACK HEART: It's abandoned. No one's here. Although they could still be invisible. This is magic school after all. HAAS: No. The magic here is all ours now. BLACK HEART: Are you sure? HAAS: Hah! (Haas throws a power ball at the large column. It explodes, leaving large black scorch marks on the structure.) HAAS: Hyah! (He throws another power ball at the table, splitting it clear in two.) HAAS: Hah! (He throws another power ball at the desk across the room, damaging the books stacked on it.) (Nothing happens. He turns and looks at Black Heart.) HAAS: Positive. (Haas smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo meet for a family meeting. Piper is pacing the floor as she talks.) PIPER: Okay, people, we got to get a grip here. Otherwise, what are we doing? We might as well just go back to fighting demons again. PAIGE: Even if they think we're dead? PIPER: It was a rhetorical question. PAIGE: No, it wasn't. PIPER: Paige! PAIGE: What? LEO: Look, I think the point is that we need to take it slow, you know, be patient. PHOEBE: Yeah, well, tell that to my premonition. PAIGE: And my stupid charge. (Piper whistles loudly, startling everyone silent.) PHOEBE: Ohh. Uhh. PIPER: Don't even start. LEO: You know, you're gonna be late. PAIGE: Late for what? PIPER: My spa day. I'm supposed to be having a facial and a massage and a seaweed wrapping thing. PAIGE: I'm so jealous. PIPER: Well, it was Phoebe's idea. We were watching "s*x and the City" and ... PHOEBE: Speaking of which, did Carrie ever have to marry a man that she did not know, huh? LEO: Carrie? PAIGE: Don't ask. They're on "s*x and the City" again. PHOEBE: Yeah. No. The answer is no. She did not. (She picks up the DVD case and looks at it wistfully.) Why can't we live our lives like they did? PAIGE: Uh, didn't one of them sleep around a lot? PHOEBE: No. She was a free spirit, which, by the way, can only happen when you're free. (Piper whistles loudly, again.) PHOEBE: (annoyed) God, is that really necessary? PIPER: Apparently. Look. Okay. Nobody said this was gonna be easy. We need to get a little perspective here. How bad can things be when we don't have demons to worry about anymore? (Phoebe grudgingly nods in agreement.) Thank you. Look. (to Paige) You, you need to focus on something else. You got to get that charge off your mind. PAIGE: Well, people, I am open to suggestions. PIPER: Do what Gram said. Get out there. Ignore the signs of your old life and look for signs that lead you to your new life. Try anything. (Piper whirls around to Phoebe.) PIPER: And you, you're all about signs. So, isn't that exactly what a vision is anyway? PHOEBE: Yeah, but -- PIPER: (warns) Don't make me whistle. Last year you had a premonition that you were gonna have a daughter, which means then this year you're gonna have to have a little s*x and get pregnant. And since Dex, which coincidentally rhymes with s*x, could be the father ... PHOEBE: God. PIPER: Look. I suggest you get to know him ... well and fast. Because this may be the one sign you can't ignore. All right? Everybody good? People? Great. See you later. (Piper heads out. Leo and Paige head upstairs. Phoebe sits in her seat gazing at the "s*x and the City" DVD cover.) PHOEBE (THINKING): (v.o.) Maybe Piper's right. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned, it's that we're being guided ... and signs always lead the way. The question is, where do you start looking for them? (Piper returns and walks across the main hall to the front door.) PIPER: Start with Dex. See if you even like him. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL - DAY] (Haas throws a book down on the floor on top other books. The Great Hall is completely trashed.) BLACK HEART: Isn't the fact that we could take this place over proof enough that The Charmed Ones are really dead? HAAS: Unless they're in hiding. BLACK HEART: They would not leave magic school unprotected, or leave its powers for us to take. HAAS: Perhaps not, but then again, that's the mystery we're trying to solve. Isn't it? Speaking of which, any progress on that front? BLACK HEART: We've lured three teenagers so far, turned them all, and yet no sign of the witches. HAAS: They won't be able to ignore the cries for long. If the sisters are alive, they will come to the rescue. It's in their blood. BLACK HEART: Unless your plan is too obscure for them to notice. (Haas finds a book and picks it up.) BLACK HEART: Maybe you give them too much credit. HAAS: Demons have used mortal fairy tales to trap them before. (He opens the book.) HAAS: It's in the textbooks - (He gives Black Heart the book.) -- how Cinderella nearly turned The Charmed Ones into pumpkins. Humans are raised on these insidious tales. They tap into universal themes, common emotions, fears. That's why we can lure the victims so easily. Don't worry. Sooner or later, The Charmed Ones will follow, and when they do, we will have them. BLACK HEART: But what if they don't take the bait? What if they live no more? HAAS: Well, then we mess up a few kids. And that's fun all by itself, isn't it? (They both laugh.) HAAS: Time to find our next "Alice". [SCENE_BREAK] PHOEBE: (v.o.) Signs, of course, can be good or bad. But they should never be ignored. [EXT. UNIVERSITY (STOCK) - DAY] TAYLOR: (v.o.) I'm telling you, something really weird's going on. [INT. CAMPUS - BILLIE'S DORM ROOM - DAY] (Billie is putting on her make-up as Taylor talks to her.) TAYLOR: I mean, come on, why aren't the cops doing something about this? It's totally whacked. BILLIE JENKINS: I don't know. They probably think it's just drugs or something. TAYLOR: It's not drugs. No way. This is something way more scary, but they just don't care. BILLIE JENKINS: Nobody cares. We're teenagers. TAYLOR: No, that girl Allyson just turned twenty. BILLIE JENKINS: Who's Allyson? TAYLOR: Allyson. The sorority chick that went missing, then was later found walking around like her hard drive had just been erased. BILLIE JENKINS: Her hard drive? TAYLOR: This isn't funny, Billie. This is serious. Some creep's out there preying on kids like us, and nobody's doing jack about it. Don't you even care? BILLIE JENKINS: Actually, what I care about right now is not being late for metaphysics, which I'm failing. (Billie gets up and picks up her backpack.) TAYLOR: Unbelievable. Whatever. All I got to say is that somebody better do something before anyone else gets hurt. (Taylor leaves.) (Billie drops her backpack down on her bed and closes the door. She goes to her desk drawer and takes out three newspaper clippings. The headlines read, "Missing Teen Found," "College Woman Missing," and "Missing Teen Found, Catatonic.") (Billie's been following the missing teens story.) (She picks up her athame in the desk drawer and fiddles with it as she thinks about it.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Signs don't always mean what we think they do. They can, after all, be confusing, ... [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BAY MIRROR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - HALLWAY/ ELEVATOR - DAY] PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... especially in today's world where we're constantly bombarded by them. Still it's up to us to interpret them the best way we know how. It's called survival. (Phoebe presses the elevator button and waits. The elevator doors open and people walk out. Phoebe looks inside the elevator - looking for Dex. She doesn't step on the elevator. The man standing in front looks at her.) MAN IN ELEVATOR: You goin' up? PHOEBE: Yeah. But ... not right now. It's okay. Go ahead. (The man in the elevator presses the button and the doors close.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Unfortunately, waiting for just the right sign to come along can be frustrating, especially when you're in a hurry to conceive ... (Phoebe steps to the side and looks at her very different reflection in the glass covering the building directory.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... which is why sometimes you have to ... (The turns to the other elevator. It opens and Dex Lawson is standing inside. Phoebe smiles at him.) PHOEBE: Hi. DEX LAWSON: Hi. PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... help make the signs come to you. (Phoebe steps into the elevator.) PHOEBE: Uh, it's, uh, Dex. Right? DEX LAWSON: (nods) Yeah. That's right. And ... you're ... Julie? JULIE: You remembered. DEX LAWSON: How could I forget? [SCENE_BREAK] PHOEBE: (v.o.) On the other hand, some signs come to you even when you wish they wouldn't. [EXT. STREET - DAY] (A police car with flashing lights stops curbside. The officer gets out of the car.) (Paige is behind her steering wheel. She groans.) PAIGE: Great. Just great. (Paige engages the brakes and turns her engine off.) POLICE WOMAN: License and registration, please? PAIGE: What did I do? POLICE WOMAN: You rolled through a stop sign. (Paige gives her, her license and registration. The officer looks at it: CALIFORNIA DRIVER LICENSE 200I4209 EXPIRES: 11-17-? JOSEPHINE BENNET 1985 MANNING AVE. LOS ANGELES CA 90025 s*x F HAIR BRN HT 5-09 WT 120 DOB 11-17-82 POLICE WOMAN: You from L.A.? PAIGE: Yeah. Yeah. Um ... my cousins died, so I just came up here to help out. POLICE WOMAN: Wow. Sorry. PAIGE: Well ...yeah. It's a little harder than I thought it would be, you know, adjusting to a new city ... and all. POLICE WOMAN: What'd you do before? PAIGE: You could say I helped people. POLICE WOMAN: Yeah? Maybe you should become a cop. (She chuckles as she looks at the officer's badge: SAN FRANCISCO POLICE 8675.) (She also notices the officer's arm patch, SAN FRANCISCO POLICE.) RADIO: All available units, code 2. Assist suspect search. 920 in Portero District. Over. POLICE WOMAN: Unit A-10. Roger that. ETA five minutes. Over. PAIGE: What's a 920? POLICE WOMAN: Missing person found. Probably another one of those kids. Looks like it's your lucky day. (She hands Paige's license and registration back to her.) PAIGE: Can I ask you a question? POLICE WOMAN: Make it fast. PAIGE: What do you like most about your job? POLICE WOMAN: Catching the bad guys. (The officer leaves as Paige smiles at that thought.) [SCENE_BREAK] (CC) PHOEBE: (v.o.) And some signs, though seductive, should absolutely never be followed. [EXT. ALLEY - DAY] (Black Heart is wearing a cut t-shirt with WHITE RABBIT written on front with a rabbit logo. Behind her, a college student follows.) ALASTAIR: I thought you said we were going to a garden party of something. BLACK HEART: We are, Alastair. We are. ALASTAIR: Yeah? You ... sure this is the way? BLACK HEART: You don't want to be late, do you? ALASTAIR: Well, no, but -- BLACK HEART: Because ... we're very, very late. ALASTAIR: Late for what? Look, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Okay? I mean, I really don't even know you. (She grabs his shirt and kisses him.) BLACK HEART: Promised you an adventure, didn't I? It's down there. (She points to a black hold in the ground.) ALASTAIR: What's down there? BLACK HEART: See for yourself. (He hesitates.) Come on. Aren't you the least bit curious? (He leans forward and he is sucked into the black hole.) (Black Heart looks down and smiles. Footsteps approach.) (She black orbs out just as Billie enters the alleyway. She doesn't see anyone. She sighs and removes her shades.) (She looks down and sees a rat scurrying across the ground.) BILLIE JENKINS: Rats. [INT. SEWERS - DAY] (Down in the sewers below, Alastair looks up at the grill above and calls out for help.) ALASTAIR: Help! Anybody! (He looks around.) ALASTAIR: Where am I? (Haas and Black Heart appear.) HAAS: You're down the rabbit hole. Alastair in Wonderland. Close enough. (Haas smiles at Alastair.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BAY MIRROR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. DEX'S STUDIO -- DAY] (Dex shows Phoebe his various sculptures.) DEX LAWSON: This one I got the inspiration for a few years ago while I was, uh, flying over Africa. I was looking out the window, you know, painfully aware of the struggles below me, and yet I was up in the clouds feeling at peace. It's, uh, supposed to remind us of the delicate balance between, you know, life -- good, evil ... agony, ecstasy. All that. All my work is ... uh, you know, life's precious. It's supposed to be enjoyed in the moment. After all, that's all we really have, isn't it? PHOEBE: Hmm. I tend to live too much in the future. I can't help it, though. It's in my blood. Anyway, it's -- it's great. I mean, it's all great. DEX LAWSON: Thank you. PHOEBE: Everything is great. And here I thought all this time you were a lawyer or something. DEX LAWSON: But I thought you just got to town after Phoebe died. PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. You know. I -- I did. It's ... just that's what Phoebe ... said. Uh, that's what she said that you did. You know ... (She takes a deep breath to stop talking.) It's all very sad. DEX LAWSON: Oh, um ... I'm sure it must be hard. PHOEBE: But life goes on. Right? Isn't that the lesson in all of this? (She motions to the art sculptures around them.) DEX LAWSON: Well, I don't know about lesson, but, uh -- PHOEBE: No, really. It's one I can stand to learn. I've actually often said that the worst part of modern technology is ... the way it robs you of the found moments ... you know, those little discoveries ... even intimacy. (He looks at her.) PHOEBE: What? DEX LAWSON: I was just thinking that ... that's exactly what Phoebe once said. PHOEBE: Really? That's ... odd. DEX LAWSON: I--I mean wrote, uh, in her advice column. That was, like, verbatim. PHOEBE: Well. I don't know. It must run in the family, huh? DEX LAWSON: Yeah, it must. PHOEBE: You really read her column, didn't you? (He nods.) DEX LAWSON: Would you like to go get a cup of coffee? PHOEBE (THINKING): (v.o.) It's not dinner ... or lunch, even. But it's not bad. PHOEBE: I'd love to. (Phoebe and Dex walk out.) PHOEBE (THINKING): (v.o.) When you're in a hurry, you can't be too picky about the signs. As long as it causes a few sparks, what more can you ask for? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. P-3 - DAY] (The neon P-3 sign blinks, sparks, then surges and sparking sending the entire club into darkness.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Unfortunately, not every spark is a positive one. [BACK OF THE CLUB NEAR CIRCUIT BOX] (In the darkness, we hear a voice.) BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Uh-oh. PIPER: Uh-oh. What do you mean, "uh-oh"? Is that bad? (The electrician flicks on his flashlight and looks at the circuit box.) BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Uh, I think your transformer's shot. PIPER: Well, ok. Fix it. (He turns and looks at Piper.) BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Well, I can't. You need a new one. PIPER: Well, can you go get a new one and replace it? BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Well, it has to be ordered. Could take couple of days. PIPER: A couple of days? I don't have a couple of days. This is a night club. We've got music and lights and credit card machines. I need electricity. BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Wish I could help you. But, uh ... I couldn't even get an inspector out here before tomorrow anyway. PIPER: An inspector? What inspector? For what? BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Well, it has to be done to code. You want to wait here while I give him a call? PIPER: No, I don't want to wait here. I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be getting a manicure and a pedicure and a facial and something else! (She sighs as he stares unsympathetically back at her.) PIPER: You don't really care, do you? BUD (ELECTRICIAN): I'm just an electrician, ma'am. PIPER: (sighs) All right. You know what? "Bud" ... is it? I don't really care. Okay? Do whatever it takes. Get some solar panels, rent a generator, whatever. But you know what? I need to have a little itty bit of light. Okay? Just a little teeny tiny teeny light! Is that ok with you?! (He stares unsympathetically back at her.) PIPER: Ahem! Sorry. (He puts the clipboard in front of her.) BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Sign, please? PIPER: Yeah. (Piper takes the pen and signs.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Of course, in the cosmic scheme of things, signs tend to balance each other out. BUD (ELECTRICIAN): Got enough light? (She finishes signing it and hands both pen and clipboard back to Bud.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) For instance, when one says "closed" ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE ACADEMY - RECRUITING OFFICE - DAY] (CLOSE-UP: The poster on the wall has a large slogan, "Join the Force.") PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... another says "come on in." (Paige stands in front of the poster, staring at it.) RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Can I help you? PAIGE: Oh! Uh, hi. I'm just checking stuff out for a friend. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Oh. Does he want to become a police officer? PAIGE: She, actually, and I think she's exploring her options. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: I see. Well, she couldn't have picked a more noble profession. Does she have any background in law enforcement? PAIGE: Unofficially. She was a social worker, and, um, she'd made an awful lot of citizen's arrests. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Well, yeah. It's one thing to carry a pen, quite another to carry a gun. (Paige shrugs.) RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Have you ever fired a gun? PAIGE: Me? No. I mean, but this is about my - RECRUITMENT OFFICER: (interrupts) Your friend, yeah. Uh, look, don't take this wrong way, okay? But I can tell by looking at you you don't have what this takes. PAIGE: Excuse me? RECRUITMENT OFFICER: We're looking for serious, committed-minded young people, and I'm the guy that has to weed out the crazies, the nazis, and the attractive divorcees who might otherwise waste the tax payers' hard-earned money. PAIGE: You obviously don't know who you're talking to. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Well, don't take offense, ma'am. The fact is we only take the very best of the best, and that does not currently include anyone worried about breaking a nail. PAIGE: You know what? How dare you prejudge me? You don't know the first thing about me. For all you know, I could've saved the world like a hundred times over. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Of course, yes. Uh, good day. PAIGE: No, you know what? I know you don't think I can do this, Mr. 6-foot-4- big-guy, but I'll tell you what. I'll bet I could take you. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Sure you could, lady, sure. PAIGE: Let me try. RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Do yourself a favor. Leave now. (Paige refuses to move.) RECRUITMENT OFFICER: Look. I don't have time for this crap. (He glares at her, then charges at her. Paige grabs his arm and flips him completely over. The recruitment officer lands flat on his back.) RECRUITMENT OFFICER: (groans) Huh. Application's on the desk. (Paige crosses her arms smugly at him, then turns to look at the desk behind her for that application form.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ALLEY -- DAY] (A fluffy, white bunny moves along the alley floor.) ALEXIS: (o.s.) Bunny! Here, bunny, bunny! (Alexis appears on screen as she chases after the white rabbit.) ALEXIS: Here, bunny, bunny! (She sees the white rabbit and follows it as it heads deeper into the alley.) ALEXIS: Oh, bunny, don't be afraid. Bunny, I won't hurt you. (The white rabbit stops in front of the sewer grating.) (Suddenly, the white rabbit changes into Black Heart.) ALEXIS: Oh, my God. Sorry, Alexis. Try again. You ready for a wild ride? (She grabs Alexis and throws her into the sewer grating which magically sucks her down inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SPA - DAY] (The Manicurist is busy working on a customer's nails. She gossips as she works.) MANICURIST: Did you hear? They found another one. Boy this time. Alastair I think his name was. Another "A" name. I'm telling you, it's just like that Agatha Christie novel, that alphabet murders. Remember that? (Behind the partitioned area of the spa, Piper sits in the chair with a mask on her face. She can hear the conversation clearly.) MANICURIST: I mean I know it's not murders in this case, but it might as well be. I mean those kids are coming back like zombies or something. Vegetables. God only knows what that sick pervert's doing to those poor kids. (Piper's phone rings.) MANICURIST: Uh, I'm sorry. (The curtain opens and the Manicurist looks at Piper.) No cell phones. PIPER: Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. (She answers it quietly.) (to phone) Hello? What? What? Leo, you locked yourself out of the house? With Wyatt? (groans) Oh, come on! All right, you know what? Fine. I'm on my way. I am on my way! (Piper grabs her bag and heads out - mud mask and all.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - DAY] (The first class of police academy starts. The students are all dressed in uniform - including Paige.) TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: Welcome, cadets. You've chosen to become one of the few and the proud, a San Francisco city police officer. Over the next several days, however, you will be screened for potentially disqualifying behavior. You will be asked to critically analyze a situation and determine an appropriate course of action. You will be expected to act assertively and without hesitation, but without overreacting. And you will be tested to see if you can make quick, responsible decisions under pressure. (He looks at Paige.) TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: Am I making myself clear? PAIGE: Perfectly. TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: What's your name, cadet? PAIGE: Jo. Bennet. TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: I'm gonna keep an eye on you, Bennet. (The cute training instructor smiles at her. He continues.) TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: Making poor choices and failure to exhibit sound judgment in a crisis situation are all negative attributes that can and will disqualify you from this academy. (The instructor's voice fades into the background.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Sometimes signs are so obvious only a fool could miss them, and Paige is no fool. CUE SOUND: WHITELIGHTER JINGLE (Paige gasps, grimaces and touches her temple.) PAIGE: Unh! Ooh! (The training instructor stops in front of Paige. She quickly puts her hand down.) PAIGE: Oh. Hi. TRAINING INSTRUCTOR: You all right? PAIGE: No. Yeah. Horrible migraine. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to go. (Paige quickly runs out of the classroom.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) It's not easy starting new lives, following new signs, especially when the old ones keep getting in the way. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY] (Billie throws the athame at Black Heart. The athame misses her and embeds in the wall near her head.) BILLIE JENKINS: Aw, no fair. You moved! (Black Heart throws a power ball at Billie who moves in time for the ball to hit the trash bin. She tumbles forward just as Black Heart throws another power ball, missing her.) (She cartwheels back as Black Heart throws a third power ball, again missing her. She flips backward jumping and missing the fourth power ball that hits up above the garbage bin. She lands on top of the garbage bin as another power ball hits the bin.) (Black Heart gasps.) (Billie jumps down to the ground.) BILLIE JENKINS: What are you trying to do, kill me? (Black Heart glares at her.) CUE SOUND: ORBING (They both turn as Paige orbs into the alley.) BILLIE JENKINS: You again? (Black Heart black orbs out of the alley.) BILLIE JENKINS: Look what you did! I had her. PAIGE: Then why did you call for me ... again? BILLIE JENKINS: Um, I didn't call you. I don't even know you. PAIGE: Then maybe your inner witch does because ... sadly ... I'm your Whitelighter. BILLIE JENKINS: (shrugs) Whatever that means. (Billie rolls her eyes and hurries past Paige. Paige grabs her arm to stop her.) BILLIE JENKINS: Hey, let go of me! PAIGE: I can't. Not until I help you. BILLIE JENKINS: I don't need anybody's help. (Billie turns to leave. Paige orbs in front of her, blocking her path.) PAIGE: Well, you need my help whether you like it or not. BILLIE JENKINS: Are you a cop? PAIGE: No. BILLIE JENKINS: Good. Hyah! (Billie hits Paige. Paige blocks the punch and hits Billie back. Paige blocks Billie's kick, then deflects Billie's punch. The two fight and are evenly matched. Every punch Billie throws at Paige, she deflects.) (After a series of parrying, Paige hits Billie across the face, knocking off her sunglasses and black wig. Billie turns and looks at Paige.) PAIGE: You're a blonde? (Billie gets to her feet. She holds out her hand and the athame flies back to her handle first. She catches it, and flips it over.) (She takes off.) BILLIE JENKINS: See ya. (Billie leaves. Paige is stunned as she watches Billie leave.) (Nearby, a blonde-haired teenager gets up from the side of the alley. She looks at Paige.) ALICIA: Help! Somebody just tried to kidnap me. [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (Paige sits down at the scrying table - Billie's black wig in one hand and the scrying crystal in the other. She immediately starts looking for the owner of the wig.) (Phoebe enters the attic carrying two cups with her.) PHOEBE: There you are! I got you your coffee drink. Vanilla non-fat latte, no whipped cream, right? (Phoebe puts the coffee tray with two cups of coffee in it on the scrying table.) PAIGE: Am I that predictable? PHOEBE: Well, everybody is when it comes to their coffee drink. (Phoebe giggles.) PHOEBE: Ohh. PAIGE: Oh, I take it it went well with Dex. PHOEBE: Oh, yes, it did. I mean, I'm not ready to marry the guy obviously yet, but, you know, I could do worse. Actually, you know, I've done worse before. PAIGE: Yeah, well, you maybe want to take it a little bit slow despite your premonition. PHOEBE: Do you know where Piper is? I got her a caramel macchiato. PAIGE: No, I don't. I just got home. (Phoebe realizes that Paige is scrying.) PHOEBE: Paige, are you scrying? You're not supposed to be scrying. PAIGE: Why don't you just go yell at my charge, okay? Because she won't leave me alone. (Phoebe notices the wig.) PHOEBE: So you scalped her? PAIGE: No, I did not. I was out and about when she called, and I found her fighting a demon. PHOEBE: Another one? PAIGE: Mm-hmm. (Phoebe sits down, suddenly interested.) PHOEBE: How'd she do? PAIGE: Not as good as she thought she did. But at least she saved an innocent. PHOEBE: An innocent? What innocent? PAIGE: One of those missing teens. At least she got to her before it was too late. I think if I can find that little witch, I can finally be done with all of this stuff. PHOEBE: By vanquishing the demon? PAIGE: It's the general idea. I don't want to be doing this, you know. PHOEBE: Paige, it's completely understandable that you miss your old life so much that -- PAIGE: I don't. Maybe a tiny, tiny little bit, but not enough to make me go back. Definitely not. This is just something I have to do. PHOEBE: Okay. Then I'll help you. PAIGE: No, no, no. I think the more of us that are involved, the more we risk exposure. I'm gonna be okay. PHOEBE: Okay. (Phoebe gets up to leave; Paige stops her.) PAIGE: Oh, oh, oh! Hey, the paper called for you. PHOEBE: Really? What did they want? PAIGE: Well, I think they want to talk to you, or cousin you, obviously. PHOEBE: I wonder what they wanted. PAIGE: Well, I think they just want some quotes from you. You know, the "Ask Phoebe" tribute and all. I don't think they'll figure anything out. I think you'll be okay. On the bright side, you'll get to see Dex again. (She makes kissy noises at Phoebe. Phoebe perks up, smiles, turns and heads out the attic.) (At the doorway, she stops and looks back at Paige.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Signs can come at any time and from anywhere, ... (Paige is at the scrying table continuing to scry.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) ... but when you get one, you have no choice but to follow it, even if it leads you right into danger. (Phoebe turns to leave just as the scrying crystal hits the map. Paige looks at the map.) PAIGE: Heh! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY] (Black Heart reports back to Haas.) HAAS: How could you let her get away? Every innocent counts, especially with who we're ultimately trying to lure. BLACK HEART: I didn't let her get away. A witch - HAAS: If you can't handle one lousy witch -- BLACK HEART: It wasn't just one! HAAS: What do you mean? BLACK HEART: I mean somebody else came to help. HAAS: Another witch? BLACK HEART: No. A Whitelighter. Probably hers. HAAS: Wasn't one of The Charmed Ones a Whitelighter? BLACK HEART: Half. Why? HAAS: Because maybe it wasn't just a Whitelighter who came to help. Maybe it was really her sister. BLACK HEART: That's impossible. Neither of them looked anything like -- HAAS: They wouldn't. They'd be in disguises. Magical disguises. Perhaps we're closer than we think. BLACK HEART: What if we are? How could we kill them when no other demon could? HAAS: We don't try. We can't. But what we can do is take them on the same wild ride as the others with the same inevitable result. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM -- DAY] (Piper is buried under her blankets.) PIPER: (muffled) I give up! It's no use. I quit. (Leo is standing by the doorway, his arms folded.) LEO: Quit? Quit what? What's the matter? PIPER: (muffled) Everything! I can't have a normal life when I can't even have a normal day! (Leo smiles and climbs onto the bed, his arms reaching under the blankets for Piper.) PIPER: (muffled) Not now, Leo! I'm not in the mood! (He lies down on the bed next to her.) LEO: (rolls his eyes) Oh, come on! Like that's what I want. Come on, just talk to me, okay? What is it? PIPER: (muffled) Nothing. (She pushes the blankets down.) It's just -- it's not what I expected, that's all. And every time I try to do something for myself, something comes along to mess it up. And aside from all the demon fighting, it's not that much different than it used to be. LEO: Look, I'm sorry I locked myself out of the house. Okay? PIPER: No, it's not that. That's not the point. (Piper gets up, stands up and steps over Leo as she gets out of bed.) PIPER: Just -- you know what? Forget it. (Leo sighs.) LEO: Look, this all just happened, okay? You're starting over. You have to be patient. Ok, trust me. It's gonna take some time. PIPER: Time? How much more time? I just lost all my twenties. How much more time do you want? LEO: What do you mean? PIPER: (sighs) I mean, it just ... feels like I just woke up and I misplaced a huge chunk of my life. I mean, it went by so fast. Seven years ago, I was fresh out of college, I was single, I was cooking, I was trying to become a chef, and then -- boom! Suddenly, "Hello! Hi! You're a witch. And by the way, so is your whole family," and we're saving innocents, then I'm somebody's wife, and then I'm somebody's mother and I'm somebody's boss and I'm somebody's something. And I just -- I don't know how to start over. I've been so many things for so long, I don't know who I am anymore. LEO: Well, I know who you are. (He smiles confidently at her. He stands up and walks over to her.) LEO: You're an amazing mom, and you're an amazing wife, and most importantly an amazing person. (He gently holds her - one hand on her cheek, the other hand around her waist.) PIPER: (quietly embarrassed) Stop. LEO: No. You are. But you can't sacrifice yourself for so many people and for so many years and not expect a transitional period. You have to be patient. PIPER: And what I do about the guilt? LEO: What guilt? PIPER: The guilt I feel when I know very bad things are happening out there, and I'm not doing anything about it. Like those missing kids. LEO: Well, bad things are always gonna happen, Piper. You know they happened long before you became a witch and they're gonna continue to happen long afterwards. But you've paid your dues. You've been selfless. Now it's time to be selfish. You deserve it. We all do. (Piper leans forward and holds on to Leo.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BAY MIRROR (STOCK) - DAY] CUE SOUND: (PRE-LAP) ELEVATOR BELL [INT. THE BAY MIRROR -- DAY] (The elevator doors open. Phoebe looks and smiles as she steps inside.) PHOEBE: We've gotta stop meeting like this. (Dex is there.) DEX LAWSON: Yeah? Who says? PHOEBE: (v.o.) Sometimes signs are subtle, easily missed, but if you're lucky enough to catch them, they tend to send you in the right direction. (Phoebe looks at the elevator directional green arrow pointing upward.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BILLIE'S DORM ROOM -- DAY] (The door opens and Billie returns to her room. She turns her light on.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) On the other hand, if you miss them, they can bite you in the ass big time. (She turns around and finds Paige sitting at her desk and holding the black wig in her hand.) (Paige stands up.) PAIGE: Drop something? (Billie sighs.) (busted.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BILLIE'S DORM ROOM -- DAY] (Paige opens the cabinet and tosses the wig inside. She closes the door and turns to talk with Billie.) PAIGE: Nice costume. Where'd you get it? BILLIE JENKINS: Saks. You like it. PAIGE: No. Witches don't actually wear costumes. BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, really? The conical hat, the broomstick. That's just everyday wear? PAIGE: I meant recently. BILLIE JENKINS: Well, you should be more specific. PAIGE: I'll try to remember that for next time. Thanks for the tip! What's your name anyway? BILLIE JENKINS: What's yours? PAIGE: Jo. BILLIE JENKINS: Billie. PAIGE: Well, Billie, seems as if we have a bit of a problem here. BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, yeah? You know, actually, my problem is is that you're just killing my buzz. PAIGE: (chuckles) Buzz? That's what you're calling fighting demons? BILLIE JENKINS: Beats the hell out of video games. PAIGE: This isn't a game, okay? This is real. Deadly real. BILLIE JENKINS: You can't use an adverb with a noun. PAIGE: Chair! (Paige orbs the chair to behind Billie. She slides the chair forward forcing Billie to sit down.) BILLIE JENKINS: Oh! PAIGE: Okay, here's the thing. People are getting killed, so you are gonna tell me everything I want to know, and you're gonna tell it to me now, otherwise we're gonna go at it again. BILLIE JENKINS: Fine. I'm listening. PAIGE: How long have you been a witch? BILLIE JENKINS: Not long. Just up till really recently, I noticed I had these powers. So I bought a couple of books and I figured it out. PAIGE: And you figured out how to track demons that way? BILLIE JENKINS: I'm good. (Paige scoffs.) BILLIE JENKINS: Well, I am. (She starts to get up, but stops.) Look, let me- May I? (Paige motions for her to continue.) (Billie walks over to her desk and takes out the newspaper clippings.) BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, well, first, I noticed that all the missing kids had Alice-like names. You know, like Alicia, Allison, Alastair, Alex -- PAIGE: This has to do with what? BILLIE JENKINS: Alice? You know, like "Alice in Wonderland." (Paige shakes her head.) BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, when the victims were found, they were saying all these weird things, like mad hatters, white rabbits, stone caterpillars. Had to be something demonic, right? It was just too cool not to be. PAIGE: Um, no. Actually demonic isn't so cool. It's kind of a bad thing. BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, whatever. Anyways, I inputted it all into the computer, I hooked the crystal up to the GPS system, I started scrying for the demon, and voila! There he was! Or there she was. Are most demons chicks? PAIGE: Uh, no, no, not always. Uh, you figured this all out by yourself? BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah. PAIGE: Ok, in that case, I'm gonna need you to stay put while I go deal with this. BILLIE JENKINS: Wait? What?! PAIGE: You are in way over your head, Billie. That's why you called for my help. BILLIE: I did not call for you! BILLIE JENKINS: Just let me and my sisters deal with this, okay? BILLIE: Wait? What sisters? Are they witches, too? PAIGE: Just stay here! I'll be back. (Billie tries to move, but Paige puts a hand up to stop her.) PAIGE: Uh! Stay! (Paige orbs out.) (As soon as she's gone, Billie sits down and turns the computer on to scry.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - BULLPEN -- DAY] (Dex walks into the Bay Mirror.) DEX LAWSON: Hey, Julie. PHOEBE: Dex, hey! What are you doing here? DEX LAWSON: Well, you know, I just thought I'd stop by and see how things went with the tribute. PHOEBE: Oh, actually, it had nothing to do with the tribute. DEX LAWSON: No? PHOEBE: Well, apparently the newspaper's having a hard time getting the advice column out ever since --you know. DEX LAWSON: Yeah. PHOEBE: So they asked me to help out a little bit, which I thought was kind of weird, but I said sure because I'm here and not doing anything, you know. DEX LAWSON: Well, you look like you're enjoying yourself. PHOEBE: Yeah. (She sees the copy boy and stops him.) PHOEBE: Oh, hey, um, get this to copy right away, and make sure that "Worried in Walnut Creek" is before "Bummed in Boston" because it just flows better, okay? Thanks. (She turns her attention back to Dex.) PHOEBE: Heh. Deadlines. DEX LAWSON: I wonder what made them ask you, of all people. PHOEBE: I don't know. They said something about hoping - DEX LAWSON: It might run in the family? PHOEBE: Yes. That's exactly what they said. (Dex nods knowingly.) PHOEBE: Wait a minute. Did you have -- DEX LAWSON: I ran into your editor in the elevator. Told her I thought you might be able to help. Hey, anything's better than the crap they've been printing, right? PHOEBE: Yeah. Thanks, I think. Heh! DEX LAWSON: Look, I was just trying to protect your cousin's column. You know, I was her biggest fan. PHOEBE: I can see that. It's too bad you never got to know her. DEX LAWSON: Well, um ... maybe you could catch me up over dinner. (Phoebe smiles.) VOICE (MAN): Hey! Turn up the TV. REPORTER (WOMAN): (from tv) A fourth victim, Alice Robbins, 18, has just been discovered walking down the middle of Market Street without any sense of who she was or what she was doing. (On the monitor, they show someone on a gurney being put in the back of an ambulance. The bottom caption on screen reads: BREAKING NEWS, VICTIM FOUND ALIVE.) REPORTER (WOMAN): (from tv) Witnesses say that, like the others, she was mumbling incoherently. In this case, about a path that leads nowhere and smiles without faces. PHOEBE: (softly to herself) Smiles without faces. DEX LAWSON: What the hell's going on out there? (Phoebe figures it out.) PHOEBE: Uh, I have to go now. (She heads for the door.) DEX LAWSON: What? PHOEBE: I'll call you. I'm sorry. (Phoebe leaves. Dex looks around.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Phoebe rushes into the Conservatory to share her news only to find Piper, Paige and Leo lounging on the chairs.) PHOEBE: The teens are being lured by a fairy tale. PIPER: Yeah. "Alice in Wonderland." We know. PHOEBE: What do you mean you know? PAIGE: Billie. PHOEBE: Billie? Who is Billie? LEO: Paige's new charge. What I don't understand is why Alice in Wonderland. Why did the demon pick that one? PHOEBE: Are you kidding? It's all about the loss of innocence, the need for escape, the search for one's identity. (Phoebe sits down next to Piper.) PIPER: Well, if that's the case, I'm surprised it didn't lure us, too. PAIGE: Maybe it was meant to. Why else would a demon go through all that trouble? What, just to mess with a couple of kids? LEO: Possibly. PAIGE: I think these signs are too elaborate not to be meant for us. PIPER: And Billie. PAIGE: Well, no, I don't think it was meant for her. I think she just found it. PHOEBE: Which makes her one smart witch. PAIGE: Yeah, maybe too smart for her own good, I think. PIPER: So you think this is a trap? PAIGE: Could be. PHOEBE: Ok, then what do we do? I mean we can't go after the demon. PIPER: Well, if we don't do anything, then more innocents will be hurt. LEO: Innocents are always gonna get hurt. PIPER: I know, Leo, but it's a little bit different when we're aware of it. I don't think this is something we can ignore. So how do we find them? PAIGE: Well, Billie knows how. I'll go get her scrying stuff and you stay and make potions, okay? PHOEBE: What if she figures us out? PAIGE: I don't think she's gonna figure this out because to her this is all just a lovely little game. PIPER: Yeah, well, it's one we'd better win. FLASH TO: [INT. SEWERS -- NIGHT] (Billie is walking cautiously in the sewers.) (Haas and Black Heart step out in front of her.) HAAS: We've been waiting for you. (Haas suddenly turns and hits Billie. She flies backwards across the tunnel and hits the ground with a thud.) (She coughs as they walk up to her.) HAAS: Ah! I'm curious. Which one are you? Phoebe? Piper? Paige? BILLIE: I think you have me confused with somebody else. HAAS: I think not. (Billie coughs.) HAAS: (to Black Heart) Send her through. Then after her sisters find her wandering the streets and come looking for revenge, we will send them through, too. [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- NIGHT] (Phoebe is filling the vials with potion when Paige returns.) PIPER: Where's Billie? PAIGE: In big trouble. She decided to go after the demons by herself. (Paige has the laptop and sits at the table.) PIPER: What? PHOEBE: Know where to find her? PAIGE: I think so. I took this from her computer, showing me how she scryed. PIPER: She was scrying with a computer? PHOEBE: That's pretty state of the art. PAIGE: Right. Well, it just might get her killed faster. (The computer beeps and a red dot appears immediately on the center of the monitor.) PAIGE: Got her. Okay. PIPER: Hang on a second. Wait one second. What if Billie doesn't need saving? PAIGE: What? PHOEBE: You have any idea what she's talking about? PIPER: I'm talking about what if Billie is part of the trap? PAIGE: Oh, that is absurd. PIPER: Is it? Think about it. Either she's as smart as you think she is and she's figured all of this out by herself, or -- PHOEBE: She's working with the demons. PAIGE: Oh, please. PIPER: Come on, Paige. How well do you really know her? She could've planted all of the signs. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE] (Billie is in a dark place. Behind her is a shaft of white light. All around her are overlapping voices.) VOICE: Why is everyone like a desk, huh? (There are flashes of images around her. She turns around and looks up at the white light, but has to put a hand to block its brightness from her eyes.) HAAS: Ha ha ha! VOICE: Twinkle, twinkle! HAAS: Off with her head! (Billie gasps. A very large Black Heart appears carrying an executioner's axe.) BLACK HEART: Ha ha ha! (She swings the axe. Billie ducks back into darkness, away from the light. She tucks and rolls backward, pulling out her athame.) (White alphabet letters appear and disappear around her. The voices get louder and louder. She puts her hands over her ears to block out the sounds.) (Suddenly, she's pulled down further into the darkness.) (There, everything stops.) (Billie turns around and screams.) (In front of her is a giant red-eyed rat.) BILLIE JENKINS: Oh! Help! HAAS: Kill her! (Billie starts running.) HAAS: I said Kill her! Right now! VOICE: Off with her head! VOICE: Kill her! (Behind her, she's being chased by a deck of cards with Haas' image on some of them.) HAAS: Run for your life, girl! (Billie tucks and rolls. When she stands up, everything stops.) (Billie breathes heavily.) (Suddenly, she finds a thick set of shackles around her wrists. She shakes them, but they won't come off.) (She's pulls back and finds herself standing in a witness box.) BILLIE JENKINS: What is happening to me? (Floating in front and above her is a large image of Black Heart's head.) BLACK HEART: "I'll be the judge and the jury," said the cunning old fury. (Haas' head appears next to it.) HAAS: "And I'll try the whole case then condemn you to death." (A large swinging executioner's axe materializes into the air, swings and heads for Billie. It vanishes before it reaches her.) (It hits Black Heart instead.) BLACK HEART: (screams) No! (Black Heart explodes.) (Haas turns and looks at Billie. He vanishes.) (The shackles around Billie's wrists vanish as well.) (Billie looks at her hands. The witness box she's standing in vanishes around her. (Out of the darkness, Billie hears Paige's voice.) PAIGE'S VOICE: Billie, are you all right? BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah. (Billie walks through the sewers.) (Haas is alone and confused.) HAAS: What have you done? How did you do this? You killed her. (In front of them are the Charmed Ones.) PIPER: Bright side? At least she got to meet us first. (Haas stands up.) HAAS: I should've never underestimated you. I knew you were alive. PHOEBE: Too bad you won't be around long enough to tell anybody. (Haas pulls back his hand to throw something, but he never gets the chance to power up. The girls throw their potions vials at him and he explodes - but not immediately. Billie gasps. He screams in pain, burning in front of them. Then he explodes.) (Billie's stoked and excitedly rushes up to them.) BILLIE JENKINS: Wow! PIPER: You're welcome. BILLIE: I can't believe this. You guys really are The Charmed Ones. (Piper clears her throat.) BILLIE: I did a little research after you left. The newspapers said you all died in some terrible accident. And which one are you? (She looks at Paige. Paige hesitates.) PAIGE: I would be Paige. PHOEBE: What do we do? PIPER: Blow her up? PAIGE: Piper! PIPER: What? Do you have any better ideas? BILLIE JENKINS: I'm not gonna tell anyone if that's what you think. I promise. PIPER: What's the catch? BILLIE JENKINS: Well, show me the ropes. Teach me everything you know about witchcraft. Everything. PHOEBE: Forget it. PAIGE: Wait a second. What do you have to offer? BILLIE JENKINS: I can help you guys fight the demons so you don't have to do it all the time. I mean, I assume that is why you faked your own deaths, right? PIPER: You're right. She is too smart for her own good. PAIGE: All right. One condition. Lose the cheap vinyl outfit. BILLIE JENKINS: (disappointed) Oh. PAIGE: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO (STOCK) -- NIGHT] PHOEBE: (v.o.) It's funny sometimes where signs lead you -- [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO (STOCK) - DAY] PHOEBE: (v.o.) -- rarely where you thought you'd go, but always where you belong. [INT. POLICE ACADEMY - CLASSROOM -- DAY] (Paige is back at the police academy classroom desperately kissing the cute training instructor.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) In Paige's case, though she realized that being a cop wasn't her cup of tea, being with a certain cop was. [INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM -- DAY] (Piper is back in her bedroom applying her own cold cream mask to her face.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) For Piper, the only sign she really needed was the one that reminded her she wasn't alone. (Behind her, Leo walks in and smiles as he heads for her. He kisses the back of her neck making her laugh.) (He moves around in front of her and she tries to wipe the cream off his face with the back of her wrist and messes it up instead.) PIPER: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Here. Oh, well. (Instead, she puts a dab of cream on his nose making him laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - PHOEBE'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Phoebe's back in her old office typing on the computer.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) As for me, I discovered that, just like Alice, no matter how wild the ride, signs will sometimes lead you right back to where you started from ... changed, different ... but ... home. (She picks up her BAY MIRROR ID badge for Julie Bennet.) (Through her office window, we see Dax in the bullpen.) [CLOSE-UP: COMPUTER MONITOR] (Phoebe types as she reads.) PHOEBE: (v.o.) And they all lived happily ever after ...

Hoping to lure the Charmed Ones out of hiding, Haas, a young demon suspecting they've survived and wanting to take over the rule of the Underworld by taking their powers, uses the Alice's Adventures in Wonderland fairy tale to prey on victims. Paige's new charge in her whitelighter career, a young attractive blonde college co-ed with enviable martial arts skills, Billie Jenkins embarks on a career as a white witch vigilante fighting demons in leather and mask, and soon stumbles onto the wonderland victims, and eventually ends up in over her head after spurring help and contact from Paige. Consequently, Paige takes training as a police recruit, hoping to satisfy her continuing need to fight evil while Phoebe and Piper masquerade as cousins of themselves and humorously end up in positions with the paper and at the P3 club doing pretty much what they had done before faking their deaths. Paige gets the hots for one of her instructors and is happy to have to leave training to rescue Billie and begin not just one, but two new relationships, both of a much more satisfactory nature, though still wonders what to do for work.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_02x06

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_02x06_0

[Gilbert's house] (Elena and Stefan are in Elena's bed. Stefan is sleeping. Elena is looking at him) Stefan: You're staring Elena: I'm gazing Stefan: It's creepy Elena: It's romantic (He puts a pillow on his head. Elena removes it. They kiss) Elena: Oh, this is bad of us Stefan: Yes it is Elena: If Katherine finds out... (He kisses her) [Katherine's bedroom] (Mason and Katherine are kissing) Katherine: Shut, Miss Flowers will think I'm a floozy if I have a man in here Mason: Why are you staying here? Katherine: Because I like this little bed and breakfast, don't you? Mason: I love it (They kiss passingly) [Gilbert's House] (Elena and Stefan are still kissing and hugging) Elena: Okay, I need be in the shower Stefan: Love it, let' go! Elena: No, just me. I'm late. I'm decorating at the Lockwood charity thing Stefan: What do you know! So am i Elena: Do you thing that's really a good idea to be at their house today? Mason Lockwood tried to kill you [Katherine's bedroom] (Katherine and Mason are still in Katherine's bed) Katherine: Where is the moonstone? Mason: Somewhere safe Katherine: Don't you trust me? Mason: I don't trust anyone [Gilbert's house] Stefan: I don't trust Mason. I want to be there today to keep an eye on him Elena: Okay but then we can't touch or talk and no lingering stares Stefan: No, none of that Elena: What do you think will happen if Katherine founds out that we are fake fighting? [Katherine's bedroom] Katherine: Scary will kill you Mason: No, you won't (She kisses him on the neck and bites him) Mason: Ouch! Kat, easy! Katherine: Did I hurt you? Sorry [Gilbert's house] (Elena pricks herself with a needle) Elena: Ouch Stefan: Did it hurt? Elena: It's okay. A little bit every day to make you stronger, right? (He drinks the blood on her finger) [Katherine's bedroom] Mason: What happen once I give you the moonstone? Katherine: We'll live happily ever after. I promise Mason: I'll bring it tonight, I promise [Gilbert's house] Stefan: I promise, we're gonna get through this Elena: I love you, Stefan [Katherine's bedroom] Katherine: You know I love you Mason: I love you too (They kiss) [Salvatore's house] (Someone is knocking on the door. Damon opens it. It's Jeremy) Jeremy: I need to talk to you Damon: And why I need to talk to you? Jeremy: Tyler Lockwood has to kill someone to activate his curse. He's not a werewolf yet Damon: Whoa, fascinating. Not enough Jeremy: But Mason Lockwood is and he's looking for a moonstone, a special roc related to the werewolves legend. That's why is here Damon: A moonstone? Jeremy: And I know where it is Damon: And you're bringing me this why? Jeremy: Do I need a reason? Look, I just want to help, okay? Damon: What your sister say about this little discovery? (Jeremy doesn't answer) Damon: Oh, you haven't told her, have you? Jeremy: Well, Elena doesn't want me getting involved in all this Damon: And you're a Gilbert, you just can't help yourself. Whoa, your search for life's purpose is as obvious as it is tragic Jeremy: You're gonna let me in or not? (He goes into the house. Damon closes the door) [Lockwood Mansion] (Everyone is preparing for the masquerade ball. Jenna is talking with Carol) Carol: Jenna, thanks for helping rundle the volunteers Jenna: Off course, for a good cause. Plus, I have always been a sucker for the masquerade ball Carol: So was Richard. This was always his favorite party of the year (Matt and Tyler are carrying a table) Carol: Boys! Be careful with that! It's from the eighteen hundreds (She rejoins them. Jenna sees Stefan and rejoins him) Jenna: Stefan, hey! Stefan: Hey Jenna: I'm cooking dinner tonight. Rick will be there, you should come Stefan: You know, Elena and I, were kind of taking a pause Jenna: Really? That's not what it sounded like this morning. Bad sleeper. You know what? I heard nothing (She smiles and leaves) (Bonnie is carrying a box. Elena is there too) Elena: You're here Bonnie: I'm here (Bonnie is looking around her) Elena: Caroline's not coming. I told you Bonnie: Just making sure Elena: You know, eventually, you're gonna have to talk to her Bonnie: Could you make it a little less obvious you're on her side Elena: There are no sides, Bonnie Bonnie: Come on! Since Caroline became a vampire, you barely seen each other. Losing Caroline was bad enough; I didn't think I'd lose you too Elena: Come with me Bonnie: Where? Elena: Not here. Some place quiet. We have to talk (She takes Bonnie's hand and they leave) [Salvatore's house] (Liz is in her cell. Caroline arrives) Caroline: You didn't eat much. Good news: Doctor Damon said the vervein is almost out of your system. So With any luck, you'll be freshly compelled and back in your own bed by tonight (Liz doesn't answer) Caroline: Are you really just gonna pretend like I don't exist? Liz: Yes. So please go Caroline: As usual, you don't care. Got it. Just like before I was a vampire. It's not like I died or anything Liz: Are you... Are you really dead? Caroline: Yes, I am now Liz: How is it possible? (Alaric arrive with a box) Damon: Rick! (Alaric sees Jeremy) Alaric: What are you doing here? Jeremy: Helping Damon. I'm the one who found out about the moonstone Alaric: does Elena know you're here? Jeremy: Don't exactly Damon: What you got? Alaric: This is Isobel research's from Duke. Her assistant send it to me Damon: Vanessa, the hottie Alaric: Vanessa yes. Do you remember the old Aztecs curse she told us about? Damon: Son of the moon, bla bla bla bla Jeremy: an Aztec curse? Cool Alaric: Yeah, supposedly vampires and werewolves used to run freely until a shaman put a curse on them, limitating their power. Since then, werewolves can only turn on a full moon and vampires are weakened by the sun Damon: Most of them anyway Alaric: According to the legend, the werewolf part of the curse is sealed with a moonstone Jeremy: What do you mean sealed? Damon: It's a witch thing, whatever seals the curse is usually the key onto unsealing the curse Alaric: Maybe Mason Lockwood believes he can use the moonstone to break the curse Damon: If we start believing in some supernatural witchy mojo legend from a picture book, we're idiots. Where is the stone now? Jeremy: Tyler Damon: Can you get it? Jeremy: Yeah Damon: You see, know your life has a purpose Jeremy: So you do believe it? Damon: This is the same book that says the werewolf bite kills a vampire. Ignoring it make me an even bigger idiot. Let's go [Lockwood Mansion] (Elena and Bonnie are walking on the Lockwood property) Bonnie: I can't believe this Elena: it's a lot, I know. Katherine's gonna do everything that she can to drive me and Stefan apart and Caroline just got trapped in the middle Bonnie: It's not that you and Stefan are pretending to fight, is that I didn't even know you guys were fighting at all Elena: I'm sorry, I don't want to keep things from you but you've made it pretty clear where you stand with the whole vampire thing Bonnie: So that makes me the unman out Elena: No, Bonnie, of course not Bonnie: I know where I stand, Elena and I know where you stand but where do we stand? Elena: You're my best friend, Bonnie. I didn't mean to let this craziness with Caroline get in the way of that but she needs you too Bonnie: not yet, I just... she's a vampire, I can't. I think we should get back (Mason is carrying a box. He sees Stefan) Mason: Hey Stefan Stefan: Hey Mason (Mason is chocked) Mason: I wasn't expecting you here or anywhere Stefan: Yeah, I had this little accident but I'm fine know Mason: What did you do to Sheriff Forbes? Stefan: she's fine too but for now on you'll have to do your own dirty work Mason: Not a problem (He leaves and bumps into Bonnie. She feels something) Mason: Excuse me (Stefan understands that something's going on so he rejoins Bonnie) Stefan: What's the matter? Are you okay? Bonnie: When I touched him, I saw something Stefan: What do you mean? Like a vision? Bonnie: I saw Elena Stefan: You saw Elena? Bonnie: He was kissing her Stefan: No Bonnie. Elena wouldn't kiss... you didn't see Elena, you saw Katherine (Elena sees Stefan and Bonnie talking together. Damon rejoins her) Elena: Damon. What are you doing here? Damon: Looking for my baby bro. Speaking of... you should tell yours to stop following me around Elena: What's going on? Damon: Ask him (Jeremy arrives) Elena: Jeremy, what is he making you do? Jeremy: He's not making me do anything, Damon and i... Elena: No way, no, no, no, no. There is no "Damon and you". There's Damon and whoever Damon is using, and those people, they end up dead. Whatever is going on Jeremy, I want you to stay out of it Jeremy: I don't really care what you want, Elena. It's because of you that I'm in this mess in the first place so I'm sorry, you don't really get to tell me what I'm gonna do (He leaves) (Stefan is talking with Damon) Damon: Katherine's with Mason Lockwood? Stefan: You missed it. He got in the town after she did, it makes perfect sense Damon: I know but Mason Lockwood?! Werewolf thing aside, the guy is a surfer. She's got to be using him, it has to be Stefan: Using him for what? Damon: Mason Lockwood's looking for a moonstone that allegedly can break the full moon werewolf curse. Maybe Katherine wants it as well Stefan: Why? Damon: Well... no idea. This is the beauty of Katherine; she's always up to something Stefan: So how are we gonna find this moonstone? Damon: Jeremy is gonna get it from Tyler Stefan: Why would you involve Jeremy? Damon: He's playing Indiana Jones, he involved himself (Matt and Tyler are helping decorating) Matt: She's this amazing girl one minute and then this raging jealous freak the next Tyler: Look, you know what I think about Caroline Forbes. She's an insecure narcotic bitchy little twig Matt: Hey! Tyler: But the girl's got heart, she means well. You just get the mean with the best sometimes Matt: Yeah. I'm gonna go get an extra. I'll be right back (He leaves. Jeremy rejoins Tyler) Jeremy: Hey man Tyler: Hey! Jeremy: Hey, so I did a little research on that stone you showed me Tyler: What? Why? Jeremy: I don't know. Curiosity, boredom Tyler: What did it say? Jeremy: Well, it turns out that it's part of this Aztec legend but I want to make sure it's the same kind of stone. You think I could check it out again? Tyler: No. I gave it to my uncle Jeremy: Why did you do that? Tyler: Because I'm done with legends and curses. I don't want anything to do with it, okay? Jeremy: Yeah, yeah sure. It's probably... (Stefan and Damon had listened to the entire conversation. They look at each other) (Elena is texting Stefan. She asks him if everything's okay. Stefan receives it and tells her that he's with Damon and Bonnie and that he'll fill her later. Stefan and Damon rejoin Bonnie) Bonnie: Okay. This is as far as I go Damon: Okay Bonnie: What do you want? Damon: A favor Bonnie: That's not gonna happen Damon: So predictable (He looks at Stefan) Damon: that's why I brought him Stefan: I know how you feel about helping us out but since you're the one that linked Mason with Katherine, we finally have an opportunity to get an upper hand on both of them so just hear us out Damon: Pretty please Bonnie: I'm listening (Stefan's phone is ringing. It's Elena) Stefan: I have to throw Elena in on what's going on (He looks at Damon) Stefan: Can you play nice please? (He answers) Stefan: Hey, what are you doing? You shouldn't be calling me Elena: I know but I have no idea what's happening. Damon's got Jeremy into something and you've got Bonnie with you and I'm sorting stupid masquerade masks for Misses Lockwood Stefan: Alright, it's okay. Hold on (He leaves. Damon is talking to Bonnie) Damon: All you have to do is touch Mason Lockwood again to see if he gave Katherine the moonstone Bonnie: My visions don't work like that; I don't get to ask questions Damon: How inconvenient. Although, let's about that witchy mojo you do with me. You know the fun one, when my brain burst into flames? What is that? Bonnie: That's me giving you an aneurysm. Your blood vessels go pop but you heal quickly so I do it over and over again Damon: Is it vampire specific? Bonnie: It'd work on anyone with a supernatural healing ability Damon: Good. Good, good Bonnie: Damon, I'm not gonna help you hurt him Damon: Mason Lockwood's a werewolf, Katherine's evil. They're the bad guys. Really? You're gonna play morality police with me right now? Let me explain it to you another way: they're a threat to Elena. You witch, are gonna get over yourself and help us Stefan: Yeah, he meant that as a question with a "please" on the end Damon: Absolutely (Mason is going to his car) Mason: Hey, can you remove you van? I'm blocked in (He sees Bonnie trying to remove a table from the truck) Mason: Hey, how did you get stucked to that by yourself? Bonnie: All the guys baled. Something about draft pix, I don't know, I don't speak that language Mason: Here, let me give you a hand (He helps her with the table but she uses her powers on him. He holds his head because he's in pain and fall on the floor) Bonnie: Sorry (Damon arrives and kicks him on the face. Mason is unconscious. Bonnie goes into Mason's car. Damon and Stefan put Mason in the trunk. Damon goes into Mason's car and leaves with Bonnie.) [Salvatore's house] (Caroline is in the cell with her mother) Caroline: So I mainly drink from blood bags. It's not as good as the fresh stuff but it beats the animal blood that Stefan's been trying to get me to drink Liz: So you steal the blood from the hospital? Caroline: Damon does. I've been pilfering his supply so... Liz: As long as you have blood, you don't need to kill? Caroline: I want to. It's my basic nature now but on a healthy diet, I can control it. I'm getting better at it. I'm better than Stefan. He's a bit of a problem drinker, a blood-aholic Liz: I don't want this for you Caroline: I know but when life gives you lemons... Damon's home (Damon and Bonnie are in the library. Damon puts Mason in a chair) Bonnie: Here's his bag as requested Damon: Okay, grab that corner Bonnie: Why are we doing this? Damon: Because I don't want to stain the carpet Bonnie: I knew you were gonna say something like that Damon: You're judging again (They put a blanket under the chair) Bonnie: He's not gonna be out much longer (Damon takes chains from Mason's bag) Damon: Looks like this guy used to be in tied up (Bonnie takes Mason's head in her hands) Damon: What are you doing? Bonnie: You're looking for a moonstone and I'm trying to help you find it Damon: Oh good, yeah. Find out if he gave it to Katherine and find out where she is and find out what they're gonna do with it once they get it (Damon is tying Mason. Bonnie concentrates herself while she touches Mason's head) Bonnie: Somewhere small, dark, there's water Damon: Like a sewer? Bonnie: No. Like a well? That can't be right? Yeah. It's a well Damon: Why would it be in a well? Bonnie: I told you, I only get what I get (Mason catches Bonnie's wrist but Damon releases her) Bonnie: That's it. That's all I got Damon: Hey judgy! Thank you (She looks at him and leaves. He's alone with Mason) Damon: Come on. Wake up wolf boy (He punches him on the face) (Bonnie is leaving but Caroline arrives) Caroline: Hey! Bonnie: Hi. How's your mom? Elena filled me on everything Caroline: I'm gonna take her home tonight Bonnie: Caroline... don't remind, I've got to go Caroline: Did you find the moonstone thing? Bonnie: Not yet. Hey, do you remember that old well where we used to play when we were kids? Caroline: Yeah Bonnie: It's on the woods. Do you remember where? Caroline: On the edge of the old Lockwood property. Why? Bonnie: I think that's where Mason is keeping the moonstone. I got to go Caroline: Well, I can go with you Bonnie: No, it's okay (She looks at Caroline who's disappointed) Bonnie: Sure Caroline: Okay [SCENE_BREAK] [Lockwood Mansion] (Matt and Elena are helping preparing the masquerade ball) Matt: So where's Caroline? This is like her thing. I can't believe she's not here Elena: She has something else to do Matt: Is she seeing someone? Elena: Matt, come on. No, she's not (Stefan arrives. Elena looks at him. Tyler arrives to) Tyler: Anyone's seen Mason? Stefan: He took off. He said he wasn't sure when he'd be back Tyler: It's so weird (He leaves. Stefan receives a text from Bonnie. She's telling him to look in the well, next to the old Lockwood property. Stefan looks at Elena. She goes toward him but he tells her no with his head. She's upset and looks at Matt) Matt: I'm not even gonna ask Elena: I'll be right back (She leaves) [Salvatore's house] (Mason is chained to the chair. Damon is heating up an iron bar in the chimney. Mason is screaming. Damon looks at him) Damon: Someone's feisty (Damon goes toward Mason. Mason can't stop moving. He fell on the floor with the chair) Mason: What?! (Damon puts the iron bar into Mason's chest. Mason screams) Damon: You can hurt, good to know. I was afraid you'd gonna be some beast mess with some with no affinity for pain (Damon looks at Mason's wound. It's healing) Damon: Oh, you heal quickly. Not good. I guess I'll just have to keep an applying pain (He gets back the chair. Mason screams. Damon heats up the iron bar again) Damon: So... Katherine. How do you know her? What is she up to? (Mason doesn't answer) Damon: I have all day (He puts the iron bar into Mason again) [The woods] (Stefan arrives at the well. Elena rejoins him) Elena: What's going on? Stefan: You shouldn't be here Elena: I know but I am. What's going on? Stefan: Bonnie thinks the moonstone is down here (He opens the well. He looks into it with a lamp) Elena: Hey. Be careful Stefan: I'll only be down there for a minute (He goes into the well but he's full of vervein. Stefan's skin is burning) Stefan: Elena! Elena: Stefan?! Stefan: Elena! Elena: Stefan, what's happening?! What's going on in there?! Stefan: Vervein. Oh my god! Help! Elena: Stefan! (Elena is trying to take the chains but they're too heavy. Caroline arrives) Caroline: Elena! Elena: Caroline, Stefan's down there and the chain is rusty (Caroline tries to go into the well but Elena catches her) Elena: No, no, no! You can't, it's full with vervein. Caroline, we've got to get him out. Now! (Caroline takes the chain) [Salvatore's house] Damon: When did you two meet? Did she seduce you and tell she loved you? You're supernatural so she can't compel you. I'm she used her other charms. Katherine's good that way (Jeremy arrives) Damon: I thought I told you to leave Jeremy: I found something in Rick's boxes stuff Damon: What is it? Jeremy: I did a search on my phone, it's a plant: Aconitum Vulparia. Grows in the mountain of the northern hemisphere, communally known as "Aconite", "blue rocket" and "Wolf spin" (Damon looks at the plant) Damon: What else did you read? Jeremy: Well, every source says something different. One myth says it causes lycanthropy, which sounds bogus. Another one says that it protects people and another one says, well it's toxic (Mason whimpers. Damon looks at him) Damon: I'm guessing toxic (He takes the plant and goes toward Mason) Damon: What's Katherine doing in Mystic falls? (Mason doesn't answer so Damon puts the plant on Mason's cheek. Mason's skin burn) Damon: Why is she here? Mason: She's here with me! Why are you asking? Jealous?! Damon: How rude of me. I just realize I didn't offer you anything to eat (He puts the plant in Damon's mouth) Damon: Yummy! [The woods] (Elena is chaining herself to go into the well) Caroline: I got you okay? (Bonnie arrives) Bonnie: What's going on? You took off in a blur Caroline: I heard Elena screaming. Help her, now! Are you ready? Elena: Yeah (Elena goes into the well with the help of Caroline. She arrives at the bottom of the well. She founds Stefan unconscious into the vervein. Stefan's face is scalded. She attaches Stefan with the chains) Caroline: Elena, what's going on down there? Elena: Follow up! (Caroline is pulling Stefan from the well. Elena stays in it. Bonnie unties Stefan and puts him on the floor) Caroline: Elena! Ready for you! Elena: Hold on! I need to find the stone (Elena looks everywhere) Caroline: Hurry! Elena: Hold on! I think I found it! (She finds a wooden box and takes it but a snake is on her arm. She screams. Another snake is on her. She can't stop screaming) Caroline: Elena! What's going on?! Elena: I got it. Come on, bring me up! (Caroline brings Elena up. Bonnie unties her. Elena sees Stefan) Elena: Oh god! Stefan! (She cuts herself with a rock and gives her blood to Stefan. He drinks it) Elena: I've got the stone, Stefan. Stefan, it's gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay [Salvatore's house] (Damon is still torturing Mason) Damon: Why do you want the moonstone? Mason: Screw you! Damon: Ahhh! Wrong answer! Jeremy: If he was gonna say anything, he would have already! Damon: I'm taking your eyes now Mason: The well! You'll find it there! Damon: I know where it is. I want to know what it does and why you want it Mason: I'm getting it for Katherine Damon: Why? Mason: She's gonna use it to lift the curse Damon: Of the moon? Now, why would a vampire help a werewolf break a curse that keeps him from turning whenever they want? Mason: So I wouldn't have to turn anymore Damon: Why? Mason: Because she loves me! (Damon laughs) Damon: Now I get it. You're just stupid. Katherine doesn't love you, she using you, you moron! Mason: I'm done talking Damon: Yes you are. It's time to take a walk, Jeremy Jeremy: I'm staying Damon: No, you should go Jeremy: I'm staying, Damon. He's got enough (Mason looks at Jeremy) Mason: Just help Tyler. Don't let this happen to him Jeremy: Damon... (Damon rushes over Jeremy and strangles him) Damon: You want to be a part of this? Well, here it is! Kill or be killed! The guy is a werewolf; he'll kill me the first chance he got so you suck it up or leave! (He releases him) Damon: He wants me to kill him anyway, don't you Mason? Really is a curse, isn't it? (Jeremy leaves) Damon: You now, when I look at you I see myself, less dashing and less intelligent version Mason: I love her Damon: Oh, I know! I've been where you are but Katherine will only rip your heart out. Let me do it for her (He puts his wrist in Mason's chest and kills him) [Gilbert's house] (Jenna and Alaric are in the kitchen, cooking dinner) Jenna: You're pretty handy with that thing Alaric: Yeah, uh, it's a skill (They kiss) Alaric: Where is the sea salt? Jenna: Table (They kiss again. Alaric lays the table. Elena arrives. Alaric looks at her and asks her secretively if she's okay. She nodded and goes upstairs) [Salvatore's house] (Caroline is in the cell with her mother) Caroline: So I pulled Stefan out of this well and he's all verveined and just routed but Bonnie wasn't mean to me once and I really think it's progress, you know? I just... what? I'm freaking you out Liz: It's just that you've become tis person.... Caroline: Don't... i... just starting to get along Liz: This strong, this confident person Caroline: Oh. Thank you Liz: You don't have to take my memories away. I'll keep your secret. Look, if you're worried about them, just say you compelled me. I won't tell. I'll never do anything to hurt you Caroline: Why we never talk like this? Never and today meant so much to me Liz: For me too Caroline: I know I can trust you but you're never going to trust them (She cries and compels her) Caroline: I'm going to take you home. You're going to forget that I'm a vampire Liz: I'm going to forget that you're a vampire Caroline: You'll remember you got sick with the flu, you had a fever, chills and leakiness but I made you soup and it was really salty. We beggared. You got better and then your selfish little daughter, who loves you no matter what, went right back to ignoring you and all is right in the world (Damon is putting Mason's body in the blanket. Stefan arrives and shows the moonstone to Damon) Damon: All this for that? Stefan: Yep (He throws him the moonstone) Stefan: I see you've exercised your usual restraint Damon: Had to be done (He takes Damon's phone and text Carol on behalf of Mason) Damon: "Carol, big opportunity in Florida, I'm gonna be gone for a long time. You'll send for ma things once I get settled. Much love, Mason" Stefan: Let's get rid of the body Damon: Oh, last number dialed. I wonder who that can possibly be Stefan: No, no, no! Don't provoke her! (Katherine answer, thinking its Mason) Katherine: Mason, you should have been here an hour ago Damon: Wrong boy toy Katherine: Damon, for once you surprise me. I guess Mason's with you Damon: he's right beside me although his heart he's across the room Katherine: You shouldn't have Damon: I've had a very busy day today. I killed a werewolf, found the moonstone. Hey, did you know that he hide the moonstone at the bottom of a well full of vervein? I guess he didn't trust you very much but he did love you. Poor guy. Hey, where are you? Because i could bring him over. Last goodbyes and all that Katherine: You have no idea what you've just done Damon: Aww, did I put a kink in your master plan? I'm so sorry Katherine: Do you honestly believe that I don't have a plan B? And if that fails a plan C, then a plan D and... you know how the alphabet works, don't you? Send my love to Stefan (She hangs up. Damon looks at Stefan) [Gilbert's house] (Elena arrive in the kitchen) Elena: Where is Jeremy? Alaric: Oh, he went straight up to his room. He said he's not hungry Elena: Who is she talking to? Alaric: I don't know. Everything go okay today? Elena: There were a few hick ups but yeah (Jenna is at the phone) Jenna: Of course, I understand. Elena, it's for you (Elena takes the phone) Elena: Who is it? Hello? Katherine: Hello Elena Elena: Katherine Katherine: Did you enjoy your little rendezvous with Stefan this morning? I will always know, Elena. I will always be one step ahead of you. When are you gonna figure that out? Do you know how easy it was to get inside of your house? To replace Aunt Jenna vervein perfume to convince her to stop drinking her special tea? Elena: No Katherine: Jenna's been my little spy for days now. Unlike you, Jenna actually listens to me so when I suggested that the world would be a much better place if she was just... (Jenna is holding a knife toward her) Elena: Jenna no! (Jenna stabs herself. Alaric and Elena rush toward her) Katherine: Well, you got the idea (She hangs up) [Mystic Falls' hospital] (Elena rejoins Jeremy in the waiting room) Jeremy: Is she okay? Elena: The doctors told Alaric that she got lucky. She's gonna be okay Jeremy: Did she remember what happened? Elena: No, nothing. It's all bit of part of Katherine's mind compulsion Jeremy: Why would Katherine hurt Aunt Jenna? Elena: Because she's trying to send a message, that she could get to anybody (She cries) Jeremy: Hey, hey, come here (He embraces her) Jeremy: It's gonna be okay Elena: No it's not Jeremy: She's gonna pay Elena. I don't know how but she's gonna pay [Lockwood Mansion] (Tyler arrives and rejoins his mother) Tyler: It looks good Carol: Thanks. It was nice to see Matt today. He hasn't been around for a while Tyler: We've both been busy I guess. Have you seen Mason? The guy's been off all day Carol: Actually Tyler, Mason headed back to Florida Tyler: What? Carol: I'm sorry, honey. I know how much you two hinted off Tyler: So he just left Carol: I was hoping he'd stick around, I thought that with your dad gone... anyway, he's gone. So, I guess it's just you and me now [Salvatore house] (Elena rejoins Stefan in the library. He's crying) Stefan: I'm so sorry Elena: We were stupid. Sniking around, thinking that we weren't gonna get caught Stefan: I know Elena: We did this. Stefan, Jenna's in the hospital and Jeremy could be next all because we didn't listen to her, because we're together. Stefan... Stefan: I know what you're gonna say to me Elena: Then let me say it. I've been so selfish because I love you so much and I know how much you love me but it's over. Stefan, it has to be Stefan: Elena, i... (They are both crying) Elena: No, Stefan. It has to be (She kisses him and leave. Stefan is still crying. Elena goes toward the front door. Damon intercepts her) Damon: Elena. I worked Katherine out. I wasn't thinking, I didn't think! Elena: It doesn't matter, Damon. She won. Katherine won (She looks at him and leaves) [Katherine's bedroom] Katherine: I apologize if I seem rattled. The circumstances have changed suddenly and I had to adjust. Mind control is necessarily evil. You see, I need a werewolf and I've lost the one that I had. Now tell me what you're going to do to help me get a new one (She is talking to Matt) Matt: I'm going to go after Tyler Lockwood (She compels him) Katherine: And you're not going to stop Matt: And I'm not going to stop Katherine: Until? Matt: Until he kills me

Liz accepts Caroline, and Caroline compels her mother to forget that she is a vampire. Bonnie incapacitates Mason by giving him an aneurysm. Damon then questions and tortures Mason who, believing that Katherine loves him, refuses to talk. Telling Mason that Katherine is using him, Damon eventually kills him. Bonnie has a vision of the moonstone's location in a well. Stefan discovers that the well is full of vervain , which burns him. Caroline and Bonnie help Elena rescue Stefan and retrieve the moonstone. Katherine compels Jenna to stab herself. Fearful of what else Katherine might do, Elena breaks up with Stefan for good. Needing another werewolf, Katherine compels Matt to attack Tyler, so that Tyler will kill Matt and become a werewolf.

fd_FRIENDS_01x24

fd_FRIENDS_01x24_0

Originally written by Chris Brown. Transcribed by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.] ROSS: And here's little Ben nodding off... MNCA: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! PHOE: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! RACH: Oh, let me see! [grabs picture] Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! [Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.] ROSS: [quietly] That would be nice. [Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.] RACH: Pardon? CHAN: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. [walks over to where Joey is seated] [Joey is looking at his check.] JOEY: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back. CHAN: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. JOEY: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. CHAN: [sigh]... And where's this money coming from? [gives money to Joey] JOEY: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research. ROSS: [overhearing] What kind of research? JOEY: Oh, just, y'know.... science. ROSS: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. [everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over] JOEY: [sigh]... It's a fertility study. [Rachel laughs.] MNCA: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time. JOEY: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. ROSS: Hey. PHOE: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist! Credits [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.] MNCA: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... PHOE: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... [hands meat to Monica] [Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.] CHAN: [in a deep voice] Men are here. JOEY: We make fire. Cook meat. CHAN: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. MNCA/PHOE: Ewww! MNCA: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. JOEY: Oh, OK. PHOE: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your [provocatively] special someone? JOEY: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great. MNCA: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? JOEY: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup? MNCA: Man's got a point. JOEY: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have s*x with me. CHAN: Crazy bitch. JOEY: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. MNCA: Joey... we always know what you mean. [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.] PHOE: Hey. MNCA: Hey. ROSS: Hey. [Phoebe sees his bags] PHOE: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? ROSS: I'm going to China. PHOE: Jeez, you say one thing, and... MNCA: You're going to China? ROSS: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo--it's--it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary [hands a sheet of paper to Monica]. Um... here's a picture of me... [hands it to Monica] PHOE: Oh, let me see! [takes the picture] ROSS: [to Monica]: Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? MNCA: Yeah. [Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.] PHOE: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... [puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her] Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. ROSS: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. MNCA: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl. ROSS: Oh. [pause] Hey, who's Carl? MNCA: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. ROSS: No. PHOE: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the-- ROSS: At the coffeehouse, right. PHOE: So you do know who he is! [laughs, Ross stares at her] Sorry. ROSS: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. PHOE: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. [Ross goes outisde on the balcony.] ROSS: Hi. JOEY: Hey! CHAN: Hey! ROSS: [sigh]....I have to go to China. JOEY: The country? ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? CHAN: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. ROSS: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight. JOEY: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!? CHAN: Forget about her. JOEY: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. CHAN: Course there, they just call it food. ROSS: Yeah... I guess. I don't--I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? [gives Chandler a gift for Rachel] JOEY: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. ROSS: I know. JOEY: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. [Joey gives Ross a hug] CHAN: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. [Time lapse. Melanie (MELN), Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.] MELN: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.' JOEY: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. CHAN: [sarcastic] Ooooh. [looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity] MNCA: [gets up] OK, how does everybody like their burgers? RACH: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. [walks into living room] [Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.] MNCA: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up? JOEY: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I-- [Monica rolls her eyes.] JOEY: Then you do. Heh, heh. MNCA: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? JOEY: What do you mean? MNCA: Y'know, just be there for her. [Long pause... Joey looks confused.] JOEY: Not following you. MNCA: Think about it. [They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.] RACH: OK, I'm guessing this is from... [Melanie smiles.] RACH: Well, thank you, Melanie. CHAN: [pointing out a gift] OK, this one right here is from me. RACH: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light... [shakes it]...it rattles... it's... [opens it] Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! [she gives it back to him] [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.] RACH: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...[opens it]...it's a book! PHOE: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss! JOEY: [to Rachel]: That book got me through some tough times. MELN: There is a little child inside this man! CHAN: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. [Rachel picks up the next gift.] RACH: Who's this from? CHAN: Oh, that's Ross's. RACH: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered. PHOE: Remembered what? RACH: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! CHAN: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? [pats his Travel Scrabble game] PHOE: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. MNCA: I can't believe he did this. CHAN: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.] RACH: What did you just say? CHAN: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck. RACH: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part? CHAN: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin.... RACH: Oh.... my God. CHAN: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no.... JOEY: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Same as before, a few moments later.] RACH: I mean, this is unbelievable. PHOE: I know. This is really, really huge. CHAN: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. PHOE: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. CHAN: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? MNCA: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea? RACH: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... [to Joey]: W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? JOEY: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. RACH: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. [gets up to leave] CHAN: [quickly] H-He's in China! JOEY: The country. MNCA: No, no, wait. [checks Ross's itinerary] His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes. CHAN: What about the time difference? MNCA: From here to the airport? CHAN: Yes! [Rachel walks towards door] You're never gonna make it! MNCA: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him? RACH: I-I-I don't know. CHAN: Well then maybe you shouldn't go. JOEY: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait. MNCA: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now. RACH: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him. PHOE: Here, look, alright, does this help? [Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.] RACH: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. [opens door] CHAN: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! [she leaves] [Scene: Airport. Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant (FLGT) is there.] ROSS: [something in Chinese] FLGT: Alright! ROSS: Ni-chou chi-ma! [walks onto jetway] [Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.] RACH: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... [Rachel gets up to the jetway.] FLGT: Hi! RACH: Hi. FLGT: May I see your boarding pass? RACH: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend. FLGT: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. RACH: No, I know, but I--he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just... FLGT: No no no! Federal regulations! RACH: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. FLGT: Alright. What's the message? RACH: Uh... I don't know. [Scene: On the jetway. The flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.] FLGT: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. MAN: [confused] What? FLGT: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. MAN: [to wife]: Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze. [Scene: Joey's bedroom. He and Melanie are in bed together.] MELN: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! JOEY: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. MELN: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! [she starts kissing his chest] JOEY: [panicked] Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn. MELN: [surprised] M-Me again? JOEY: Sure! Why not? MELN: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. [Joey starts to kiss her.] MELN: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. JOEY: How do you mean? MELN: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.] MNCA: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? RACH: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross. PHOE/MNCA: Sure. RACH: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great. MNCA: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date! PHOE: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. MNCA: Another good point. PHOE: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed. RACH: [confused] Huh? PHOE: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out? MNCA: Why isn't it working out? RACH: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. MNCA: Is he not cute enough for you? RACH: No! MNCA: Does he not make enough money? RACH: No, I'm just.... PHOE: Maybe there's someone else. RACH: Wha-- MNCA: Is there? Is there someone else? RACH: No! There is.. there is noone else! MNCA: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.] CHAN: Hey, big-- JOEY: Shhhh! CHAN: [quietly] --spender. JOEY: She's still asleep. CHAN: So how'd it go? JOEY: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed? CHAN: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me. JOEY: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! CHAN: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. JOEY: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. CHAN: I didn't know you had another level. JOEY: I know! Neither did I! [Scene: Monica's apartment, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.] MNCA: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? RACH: Yeah. MNCA: Oh, from who? RACH: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. MNCA: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B? RACH: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this--this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea. MNCA: Oh, why? RACH: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna-- MNCA: [gets up] No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! RACH: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so... MNCA: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise. [Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.] RACH: Who is it? VOICE: It's me, Carl. RACH: C'mon up. MNCA: Behind my brother's back? [Rachel glares at her] ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.] JOEY: Seven hundred bucks! CHAN: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? JOEY: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. CHAN: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing? JOEY: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? [Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.] [Scene: The balcony of Monica's apartment. Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.] CARL: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy! [Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross--a figment of Rachel's imagination-- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.] ROSS: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me. RACH: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here. ROSS: Fine, just stop thinking about me. [She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.] ROSS: Can't do it, can you? RACH: So I'm thinking about you. So what? ROSS: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? RACH: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... CARL: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! ROSS: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. RACH: Ross, it's too hard. ROSS: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. RACH: Ross, you're like my best friend. ROSS: I know. RACH: If we broke up, and I lost you... ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up? RACH: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up? ROSS: [pause] No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? RACH: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before. ROSS: Well, start looking. [They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.] RACH: Wow. CARL: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! RACH: Right! You're right! CARL: Heh... y'know? RACH: You know what? CARL: What? RACH: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... [gives him her drink] I mean--I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. [Rachel leaves.] CARL: But... [Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background. Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.] RACH: [sifting through crowd] Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. [Scene: Jetway. The old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.] MAN: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel! [A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.] ROSS: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. [Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman (JULIE) kiss.] JULIE: Oh, thanks, sweetie. ROSS: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. JULIE: Really? ROSS: Yeah. JULIE: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me? ROSS: No, no, they will. I just... uh... ROSS/JULIE: Can't wait. ROSS: Come on, they're gonna love you. [Scene: Close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]

The museum sends Ross to China to procure a dinosaur bone, just before Rachel's birthday celebration. Chandler advises Ross to get over Rachel and find someone else. Before leaving, Ross asks Chandler to give Rachel his present at the party. Joey's new girlfriend, Melanie ( Corinne Bohrer ) wants to sleep with him, but Joey's participation in a fertility study requires temporary celibacy. During Rachel's birthday party, Chandler accidentally lets slip that Ross is in love with her, and a big decision presents itself.

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(THUNDER CRASHING) Oliver (voiceover): The day I went missing... was the day I died. Five years in hell forged me into a weapon, which I use to honor a vow I made to my father, who sacrificed his life for mine. In his final moments, he told me the truth... that our family's wealth had been built on the suffering of others. That he failed our city, and that it was up to me to save it and right his wrongs. But to do that without endangering the people closest to me, I have to be someone else. I have to be something else. EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT Arrow is standing on the roof as men start running at him. Marcus Redman: Who's that? Man 2: Where'd he come from? Arrow fights three men and wins, while three others watch. Man 3: What's going on here? (SHOUTING) Arrow shoots an arrow at one of the three men. Marcus Redman: Get the chopper back now. Arrow shoots an arrow at one of the original four men. Marcus Redman: Who's this guy? Arrow shoots another man, and then punches him with the bow. Marcus Redman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Please, wait, wait! Arrow backs Marcus Redman against the edge of the building and throws him to the lower roof, on top of the ventilator fan. (Marcus Redman SCREAMING) Arrow jumps onto the ventilator fan next to Marcus Redman and kicks open the grate covering the fan. Sparks explode from the fan. (Marcus Redman GROANING) Arrow grabs Marcus Redman and forces his head toward the fan. Marcus Redman: No? No, please! No, please, please! Arrow: Marcus Redman, you failed this city. Marcus Redman: Please! No, please, no! Don't hurt me, please! Arrow: Cell phone, inside pocket, call your partner. Tell him to give those pensioners back their money. Marcus Redman: Oh, please don't! Arrow: Do it now. Marcus Redman: Okay. Arrow jumps off of the ventilator fan and walks into the camera. INT. QUEEN MANSION - DAY Oliver walks into the sitting room where Moira Queen is sitting on the couch with Walter standing behind the couch and Thea Queen standing next to the couch. Newscaster (voiceover): Over the past 15 years, Mr. Redman has withdrawn more than 30 million dollars from the plant's account. Mr. Redman claims refunding the Halcyon pension plan has always been his intent. But sources say Redman was coerced by the vigilante. Sketch of the Arrow appears on the television with the caption reading MYSTERIOUS HOODED VIGILANTE. Oliver extends his arm in disbelief toward the television. Oliver: This guy gets more air-time than the Kardashians, right? Thea: Five years on an island and you still know who they are. Oliver: I've been catching up. It's nice to see how much our culture has improved while I was away. Moira: No, the city used to be different. People used to feel safe. Thea: Oh, what's the matter, Mom? Afraid we're gonna be next? Walter: Do you have any questions about today, Oliver? It's a simple proof-of-life declaration. Moira stands up and Walter straightens his suit jacket. Walter: Just read out a brief, prepared statement to the judge, and then your death-in-absentia judgment will be voided. Oliver: It's fine, Walter, I've been in a courtroom before. Tommy enters. Tommy: Four times by my estimate. You know, there was the DUI, the assault on that paparazzi douchebag, stealing that taxi, which was just awesome, by the way, and who could forget peeing on the cop? Moira: I wish everyone would. Oliver: I'd hang, but we're headed to court. Tommy: I know, that's why I'm here. My best friend is getting legally resurrected, I wouldn't miss this for the world. Oliver (whispering): Right. Okay. (normal volume to Thea) What about you? Thea: Oh, I think the first four times of you in court was enough for me. Oliver: Fair enough. Thea walks out of the room. Diggle enters. Diggle: Mrs. Queen? Car's ready. Diggle, Moira, Walter exit. Tommy: Walter. EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY (PRESS CLAMORING) Man: Mr. Queen, can we get a comment, sir? Woman: ...return to civilization after five years on a deserted island. Man 2: Can you tell us what happened on that island, Mr. Queen? FLASHBACK Oliver and Sara on are thrown from the bed as the boat starts to sink. Sara screams. END FLASHBACK Man: Tell us about the accident, Mr. Queen. (CAMERAS CLICKING) Woman: 5 years on an island. FLASHBACK Oliver watches Sara slide away. Oliver reaches for Sara's hand. Oliver: Sara! (Sara SCREAMING) END FLASHBACK INT. COURTROOM - DAY Oliver: There was a storm. The boat went down. I was the only survivor. FLASHBACK The boat is sinking and rain pours from the sky. Oliver, his Father, and another man are on a life raft. Oliver: She's out there! Father: She's not there! Oliver: Sara! END FLASHBACK Oliver: My father didn't make it. FLASHBACK Father holds a gun to his head. Oliver: No! (GUNSHOT) END FLASHBACK Oliver: I almost died, I... I thought that I had, because I spent so many days on that life raft before I saw the island. FLASHBACK Oliver (voiceover): When I reached it, I knew... Oliver crawls onto the island, coughing. Oliver (voiceover): I knew that I was gonna have to live for both of us. END FLASHBACK Oliver: And in those five years, it was that one thought that kept me going. Lawyer: Your Honor, we move to vitiate the death-in-absentia filed after Oliver's disappearance at sea aboard the Queen's Gamut five years ago. Unfortunately we will not be requesting that the declaration of death filed for the petitioner's father, Robert Queen, be rescinded. The Queen family is only entitled to one miracle, I'm afraid. INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Moira: Now, onto the offices. Everyone is waiting to meet you there. Oliver: Uh, Mom, that was, uh...a little bit heavier than I was expecting it to be. Can we do that tomorrow? Please? Moira: Of course. Oliver: Thank you. Walter and Moira walk away. Tommy: Last week, you couldn't wait to get to the company. Oliver: Tommy, I'd just spent five years away from civilization. I wasn't exactly thinking straight. Oliver and Tommy run into Laurel. Oliver: I... Hi. Tommy: Hi. Laurel: What are you doing here? Oliver: Oh, they were bringing me back from the dead. Legally speaking. What are you doing here? Laurel: My job. Oliver: Right. Lawyer: More like the D.A.'s. Oliver extends his hand to Emily, standing to the right of Laurel. Oliver: Hi, Oliver Queen. Emily shakes his hand. Emily: Emily Nocenti. Laurel: Oliver just got back from five years on an uncharted island. Before that, he was cheating on me with my sister. He was with her when she died. And last week, he told me to stay away from him. It was really good advice. Excuse me. Laurel walks past Oliver and Tommy. Emily: It was nice to meet you. Lawyer: Yeah. Let's go. They walk past Oliver and Tommy to follow Laurel. Tommy: Come on, buddy, shake it off. Let's go. EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Reporter: Mr. Somers, one question, sir. Somers: I don't know what I've done to earn this witch-hunt from Miss Lance and her bosses at the CNRI. But I can tell you this. I am an honest businessman, and I will fight this slander to my last dime and breath. That's all I have to say, thank you. (REPORTERS TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Reporter 2: There's Mr. Queen! (REPORTERS TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Reporter: Tell us what happened inside, Mr. Queen... Diggle walks with Oliver and Tommy to the car. Diggle: Step back everybody, please. Reporter: Can you give us a couple comments about the island, Mr. Queen? Before you go, sir, please. Couple of comments about the island, sir. Reporter 2: What happened in there? Diggle: All right. Everybody step back. Diggle shoves the reporters away. Diggle (angrily): Hey man, I'll make you swallow that Nikon! Back! (CAR DRIVING AWAY) Diggle and Tommy watch the car leave. Tommy: This happens to you a lot, doesn't it? Diggle is obviously frustrated. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Laurel: How much is a life worth? A life of a man, a good man, a stevedore on the docks of the city in which we live. FLASHBACK Somers is standing while two men drag Victor Nocenti toward him. Laurel (voiceover): A father. END FLASHBACK Laurel: A man with a daughter. The plaintiff will prove by a preponderance of evidence that Victor Nocenti learned that his boss, that man sitting right there, Martin Somers, was taking bribes from the Chinese Triads to smuggle drugs into our city. FLASHBACK Laurel (voiceover): And when Victor Nocenti threatened to tell the police, Man slits Victor's throat. (CHOKING) Martin Somers had him killed. END FLASHBACK Laurel: Mr. Somers is very well-connected, and has friends in the District Attorney's office. Which is why, if Emily Nocenti is to get justice for her father's death, if Martin Somers is to get justice for his crimes, then someone is going to have to do it for them. INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Oliver is shirtless, showing all of the scars he had gotten on the island, and starts climbing a thick rope. The camera pans to several green arrowheads on a table. Oliver (voiceover): Martin Somers. Laurel's targeted the worst of Starling City, so it's no surprise his name is on my father's list. Camera pans to father's list. Camera pans to Oliver practicing sword skills on metal bars. Oliver (voiceover): The city's police and the D.A. can't stop him, or won't. Laurel thinks she's the only one willing to bring him to justice. She's wrong. INT. SHIPPING DOCK WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Somers: You, listen up. The longer this goes on, the more likely the media is gonna crucify me. You shut this trial down, do you understand me? (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Man: Yes, sir. (LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF) (BLOWS LANDING) (MEN GROANING) (MUTTERS) Somers looks around as the light come back on. The two men in the warehouse are lying on the ground, face-down. Somers: What... What... Somers is pulled away by a quick rope around the neck. (CHOKING) EXT. SHIPPING WAREHOUSE ROOF - NIGHT (GRUNTS) Camera opens with Somers' upside-down view of the Arrow. Camera flips right side-up. Arrow: Martin Somers... Somers: Who the hell are you? Arrow: ...you've failed this city. Arrow lodges an arrow in his bow and aims at Somers. Somers: No! No, no, no, no, no! Arrow shoots next to Somers. Arrow: You're gonna testify in that trial. You're gonna confess to having Victor Nocenti killed. Camera shows upside-down view of the Arrow. Arrow: There won't be a second warning. Arrow shoots an arrow that grazes Somers' right cheek. (SCREAMING IN PAIN) (MUTTERING) Camera pans out and Arrow is gone. INT. QUEEN MANSION - NIGHT Moira: I hired you to protect my son. Now, I'm not a professional bodyguard, but it seems to me that the first requirement would be managing to stay next to the man you're hired to protect. Diggle: With all due respect, ma'am, I never had a client who didn't want my protection. Moira: I hired you. That makes me the client. Now where do you think my son is going on these chaperone-less excursions? Diggle: Ma'am, I truly do not know. Oliver walks into the room. Oliver: And he truly doesn't. Moira: Then perhaps you'd like to share with me, you know, where it is you run off to. (Oliver CHUCKLES) Oliver: I've been alone for five years. Moira: I know that, Oliver. Oliver: Mom... Alone. Moira: I see. Oliver: I promise to introduce her if it ever gets to the exchanging first names stage... Moira: No, I'd rather you promised to take Mr. Diggle with you on your next rendezvous. It's not safe, you've already been abducted once. There is a maniac out there, hunting the wealthy. Oliver: That maniac saved my life. Moira: This isn't a game. I lost you once. And I am not going through that again. Oliver: Okay. Dig's my guy. Moira: Thank you. Moira walks out of the room, leaving Oliver and Diggle alone. Oliver: Sorry to give you so much grief. Diggle: I served three tours in Afghanistan, Mr. Queen. You don't even come close to my definition of "grief." But I tell you what... You ditch me one more time, no one will have to fire me. Diggle walks away, passing Thea dressed in a red dress. Oliver: Where you going? Thea: Uh... Somewhere loud and smoky. And don't bother trying to pickpocket my stash this time, because I'm gonna go get drunk instead. Oliver: Thea, do you think this is what Dad would want for you? Thea: Dead people don't want anything. It's one of the benefits of being dead. Oliver:I was dead. And I wanted a lot. Thea: Except for your family. You've been home a week, and all you do is avoid Mom, ignore Walter, and judge me. (Oliver SIGHING) Thea: Don't wait up. Thea walks out of the house. INT. SHIPPING WAREHOUSE - DAY Quentin, Somers, and a group of policemen are in the warehouse. Quentin is pacing. Quentin: Well, I owe you an apology, Mr. Somers. We come all the way down to your docks, and it turns out, you don't need the police after all. Somers: Which is exactly what I've been saying. Quentin: Yeah. So I guess that 9-1-1 call that we got last night from your stevedore, saying that you were getting attacked by a guy in a green hood and a bow and arrow... I-I guess...I guess that, well... Hmm. Was that a practical joke? Somers: These guys like to fool around. Quentin: Yeah. (Quentin SCOFFING) Quentin: Well, you know, I'd be very much inclined to believe an honest, upstanding businessman like yourself, except, well, one of my men found this at your docks. Quentin pulls a green arrow out of an evidence bag and shows it to Somers. Quentin: You see, there's this vigilante running around. He thinks he's some kind of Robin Hood. He's robbing the rich, he's trying to teach them a lesson I guess. I don't know, I don't know. But the point is... the man's a killer. And nothing, and no one, is going to stop me from bringing him down. But like you said... Quentin sticks the arrows into a slot in the desk. It's a perfect fit. Somers frowns, obviously hiding something. Quentin: Hmm! ...clearly, nothing happened here last night. Somers: Isn't this a conflict of interest, Detective? After all, your daughter is suing me. Quentin: I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check. Somers: I'm not. Somers stands up and threateningly gets in Quentin's space. Somers: You and your daughter don't want to find out what I'm capable of when I get emotional. (Quentin SCOFFS) (Quentin SIGHING) Quentin walks and the other policemen walk out. Somers looks nervously at the arrow in his desk. INT. QUEEN CONSOLIDATED - DAY Walter walks off of the elevator, followed by Moira, Oliver, and Diggle. Walter: As you can see, Oliver, we've modernized quite a bit. (Oliver WHISTLING) Oliver: Ooh. Hi. (CHUCKLING SOFTLY) Moira: Are you enjoying yourself? Oliver: Yes, I am. Walter: I remember when your father used to bring you here when you were a boy. You always were so excited. Oliver: Dad let me drink soda in the office. Moira: Ah, so that's why you enjoyed coming. INT. OFFICE - DAY Walter: The Queen Consolidated's success of late is a result of its targeted diversification. We have been making impressive inroads in cutting-edge fields like bio-tech and clean energy. Oliver: That's neat. (to secretary) Excuse me? Can I get a sparkling water, or something cold, please? Moira: Sweetheart, Oliver, Walter and I have something to discuss with you. Come, please sit. Oliver: Mom, it makes me nervous when you ask me to sit down. Walter: The company's about to break ground on a new site for the Applied Sciences division, and we would like to honor your father by dedicating the building in his name. Oliver: Nice. Moira: And we'd like to make an announcement at the dedication that you will be taking a leadership position in the company. Oliver: No. Moira: No, your... Your company. Oliver: No, I don't want to lead anything. Besides, Walter is doing a very good job here. Moira: You said that you wanted to be a different person. You are Robert Queen's son. Oliver: I don't need to be reminded of that. Moira: Well, obviously you do. Walter: Everyone here understands that this transition is really difficult for you. Oliver: Thank you, Walter. Which part, though? Everyone fantasizing that I got my MBA while I was on the island? Or the fact that my father's CFO now sleeps down the hall from me? Moira starts walking away, but turns around and looks at Oliver. Moira: You know, five years ago, your irresponsibility was somewhat charming. It is a lot less so now. Moira walks out and Walter goes after her. EXT. QUEEN CONSOLIDATED - NIGHT Diggle walks out of the building ahead of Oliver to keep him from the press. Reporter: There he is! (CAMERAS CLICKING) (PRESS CLAMORING) Diggle escorts Oliver through the horde of reporters. They both get into the backseats of a car. Diggle: The driver will be here in a minute. Oliver: Okay. Diggle: You know, I spent the first 27 years of my life in Starling City, and the next five in Afghanistan. You want to know what I learned? Oliver: There's no place like home? Diggle: No, just the opposite. Home is a battlefield. Back home, they're all trying to get you. Get you to open up, be somebody you're not sure you are anymore. Oliver seems to be far away and deep in thought. Diggle: Or I could be wrong. Maybe after five years alone, you're not as messed up in the head as you have every right to be. FLASHBACK Oliver is lying on the ground. (SEAGULLS SQUAWKING) Oliver: Hey! Seagulls are swarming around the life raft that had washed onto the shore. Oliver: Hey, get away! Oliver starts running toward the raft. Oliver: Hey! (COUGHING) There is an orange bag holding a body in the raft. Oliver: Dad? Oliver kneels by the raft and takes the hand of the dead man. He jumps up and starts throwing up, collapsing on his hands and kneels. (SEAGULLS GET LOUDER) Oliver scrambles back toward his father. Oliver: Hey! Hey, stay away from him! (COUGHING) Oliver lifts his father's body over his shoulder. (GRUNTING) Oliver starts walking away with the body. END FLASHBACK INT. LAW FIRM - DAY Lawyer, Laurel, and Emily are walking together. Lawyer: Well, we anticipate that Somers' attorney will try and paint you as blinded by grief or looking to make a buck. Emily: This isn't about the money. I just want justice for my father. Laurel: Emily, there are a lot of people who don't want this trial to proceed. Dangerous people. Emily: My mother died when I was a baby, and my father has been the only family I've ever known and they slit his throat. They are going to have to kill me if they want me to give this up. Laurel: Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that. Quentin walks into the room with three police officers. Quentin: And it won't. Laurel: What's going on? Quentin: What's going on is that the three of you are getting around-the-clock police protection. Okay? Get used to their faces, because they're going with you everywhere you go. No arguments. Laurel: I'm a lawyer. I live to argue. Quentin: I'm your father. I live to keep you safe. Lawyer: Um, Emily, let's go grab a cup of coffee, okay? Quentin: Yes, why not do that? Thank you. (to officers) Please, go with them. (to last officer)Stay there. Laurel: Protective custody? I seem to recall you trying that once I discovered boys. It didn't work then either. (Quentin SIGHING) Quentin: This isn't a joke, Laurel. Martin Somers got attacked last night. Laurel: What? Quentin: Yeah. Laurel: By who? Quentin: It doesn't matter. Point is, you have whipped up a storm with these guys, and until the dust settles you'll be protected, okay? End of discussion. Laurel: That might have worked when I was eight. But it's not gonna work anymore. Quentin: End of discussion, Laurel! You're insistent on doing your job. That's great. But this is me doing mine, okay? And not just as a father, but as a cop. These people, they are more dangerous than you are willing to admit. And you've made them angry. INT. SHIPPING WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Somers sitting at his desk. Woman walks in wearing red dress. Somers: Thank you for coming. Woman: Anything for a friend. Somers: We're not friends. You smuggle drugs, I let you use my port. Woman: For which you're paid a lot of money. Somers: I don't get paid enough to have arrows shot at me. You need to take this guy seriously. He is a bigger threat to your operation than Nocenti ever was. Woman: Except now it's Nocenti's daughter who's the problem. Unlike your friend with the hood, we know where to find her. Somers: Don't be an idiot. You take out Emily Nocenti, and Laurel Lance will never let this go. She won't stop until she burns you, me, and then the entire Triad to the ground. Woman: Then we kill Miss Lance. Somers looks clearly nervous. INT. OLIVER'S ROOM - DAY Newscaster: Attorney for shipping magnate, Martin Somers, Oliver walks into the scene. His shirt is off, showing the scars in his back, sides, and arms. Newscaster: has confirmed his client has no intention of testifying, maintaining his innocence in the wrongful death of Victor Nocenti. Nocenti's body was found four weeks ago. We'll keep you updated as more information becomes available. Thea walks into the room and sees Oliver's scars as he puts a shirt on. Thea: Wait, how did you get those? (Oliver SIGHING) Oliver (frustrated): Don't you knock? Thea pulls back his shirt to get a better look at his scars. Oliver frowns at his sister's insistent behavior. Thea: No, wait... Mom said that there were scars, but... I-I'm... Oliver, what happened to you out there? Oliver: I don't want to talk about it. Oliver closes and buttons his shirt. (Thea SCOFFS) Thea: Of course you don't. You never want to talk to me about anything. Except for my social life. Thea starts walking out. Oliver turns to her. Oliver: Wait! Where are you going? Thea: Why should I tell you? Oliver: I'm sorry, Thea. I need to get better at talking about what happened to me there. But I'm not ready yet. Okay? Thea: Do you have a second? Oliver: Yeah. Thea: Good. I wanna show you something out back. EXT. QUEEN MANSION - DAY Thea and Oliver walking with the mansion in the background. Thea: Sometimes, when I felt... Whatever... I'd come here. Camera shows two gravestones. One says: ROBERT QUEEN 1958-2007 A leader, a husband Thea kneels in front of the gravestone and starts dusting off the bottom. Thea: About a month after the funerals, Mom stopped going out. Pretty soon, she stopped talking altogether. Oliver looks at the stones and Thea stands. Thea: The house got so quiet, so I'd come here. To talk to you. Thea points to the other gravestone. The stone says: OLIVER QUEEN 1985-2007 A loving son and brother, whose light was dimmed far too soon. Thea: I mean, stupid stuff. Like what I was doing that day, what boy I had a crush on... And then sometimes, I'd ask you, beg you, to find your way home to me. Now, here you are. And the truth is, I felt closer to you when you were dead. Look, I know it was hell where you were. But it was hell here too. You gotta let me in, Ollie. You gotta let someone in. Thea walks away. Camera shows Oliver's gravestone again. INT. LAUREL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Laurel is sitting in a chair, leaning over her laptop. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (MUSIC PLAYING) (KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK) Laurel answers the door and sees Oliver. She isn't happy. Oliver: Hi. Are you okay? There are two cop cars outside. Laurel: How am I supposed to stay away from you if you won't stay away from me? Oliver: I... Laurel: What are you doing here, Ollie? Oliver: My sister took... She pointed out to me that I have been distant since I got back and that... It would probably be a good idea if I let somebody in. Laurel: So, you thought you'd start with the first person you pushed away. Oliver: I did that to protect you. And then I saw you yesterday, and I realized that I hurt you. (Laurel SIGHING) Laurel steps aside, letting Oliver into her apartment. Oliver: Thank you. They walk around the apartment. Oliver: Wow. This place hasn't changed in five years. (CHUCKLING) Laurel (frustrated): I haven't really had time to redecorate. Oliver: I'm a jerk. Before the island, I was a jerk. And now I'm just a... I'm a damaged jerk. Laurel: What's in the bag? Oliver swings the brown paper bag in his hand. Oliver: I thought about many things on the island, but there was one thing that I thought about every day. I actually dreamed about it, and I promised myself that if I ever got a chance to do it again, I'd do it with you. Oliver holds up a tub of ice cream. Oliver: Eat ice cream. Oliver sits on the floor and Laurel sits on her couch eating ice cream. He puts the ice cream on the table. Oliver: This is as good as I remember. My mother wants me to join the company. Laurel smirks. Oliver: Yeah. Take my rightful place. Laurel: I can't exactly picture you as master of the universe. Oliver: You know, after five years, I have plans. I have things that I have to do. I can't do that if I'm... I don't know... Attending board meetings and stockholder briefings. Laurel: Oliver? You're an adult. You can say no. Oliver: Oh, I tried. Didn't take. Laurel: Well, then don't tell her. Show her. Be the person that you want her to see you as. Trust me. I have plenty of experience with disapproving parents. Oliver: I have been on the receiving end of your father's disapproval. Laurel: He blames himself more than he blames you. He thinks that, you know, maybe if he and Sara were closer, she would have told him about the boat trip. And he could have stopped her from going with you. Oliver: I am sorry. Laurel: You apologized already. Oliver: And it'll never be enough. (THUD) Oliver: Did you hear that? Laurel: What? (SOFT FOOTSTEP) Oliver takes a butter knife and stands up. Oliver: There's someone on the fire escape. Laurel: Wh-What? Oliver grabs Laurel's hand and starts running with her. Oliver: Hey, come on... Come on! They run toward the door and a man breaks through the door with a machine gun into Laurel's apartment. Oliver pulls Laurel the other way. (MACHINE GUN FIRING) (LAUREL SCREAMS) Another man crashes in through Laurel's bedroom window. (GUNSHOTS) The woman from the warehouse enters and puts her fists up for a fight. (GUN CLICKS) (GUNSHOTS) One of the men with guns is shot. The woman runs. Diggle enters and shoots another man. The woman knocks the gun from Diggle's hands and they fight. (BOTH GRUNTING) Oliver is struggling with whether or not to help or keep his skills secret. Oliver leaves Laurel and runs into the kitchen for a knife. The woman pins Diggle and raises her hand to stab him. Oliver throws his knife and knocks the woman's knife away. The woman gets up and runs out of the apartment. Laurel runs into Oliver's arms. Diggle stands and gets his gun. Diggle: Are you hurt? Oliver: No. Diggle (yelling): Are you hurt, Mr. Queen? Oliver: No! No. Diggle: This is why it's a good idea to have a bodyguard. (SIRENS BLARING) Oliver (softly): Hey, you okay? (SIREN WAILING) INT. LAUREL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Several cops and medics are in the apartment. Diggle, Laurel and Oliver stand watching. Quentin walks in. Quentin and Laurel hug. Laurel: Daddy! Quentin: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Are you all right? Laurel: I'm okay. Those cops that you put on me... (Quentin SIGHING) Quentin: They... Diggle: I went outside to ask for a light, and they were both dead in the squad car. Laurel covers her mouth in tears. Quentin: It's okay. Mr. Diggle, thank you. Feel free to run as many red lights in the city as you want. Diggle: I was just doing my job, sir. Quentin: No, your job is protecting him. (to Oliver) It seems like whenever you're with one of my daughters, people die. You stay away from Laurel, or I swear the next time you disappear, it will be permanent. Laurel: Dad! Quentin: No, Laurel... Oliver: It's okay. I understand. Quentin: Yeah. Laurel. INT. QUEEN MANSION - NIGHT Oliver tosses a towel to Diggle and starts walking away. Diggle stands and walks after Oliver. Oliver: I'd say thank you, but I don't think that would cover it. Diggle: Well, like I told your cop friend, I was just doing my job. Besides, I think it should be you that I'm thanking. Oliver stops and turns around with a fake confused look. Oliver: What for? Diggle: The knife. Oliver: The knife. I got lucky. Diggle: That was a kitchen knife. It wasn't even weighted properly, yet you threw it with accuracy across a 10-foot room. Oliver: Exactly. I got lucky. Diggle: I'm not the kind of man you want to take for a fool, Mr. Queen. You understand me? Oliver: Yes. Diggle: And I think I'm just beginning to understand the kind of man you are. Oliver: Shouldn't take you very long. I'm shallow. And very tired, so... Good night. Diggle (smirking): Good night, sir. INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Oliver is dressed as Arrow in his warehouse. He is putting on his gloves. Oliver (voiceover): I wanted to give Martin Somers the chance to confess and face a court's justice, but he chose to go after someone I care about instead. Arrow puts on his belt and quiver. Arrow flips on his hood. Oliver: He's still going to face justice. Arrow opens a crate and takes out his bow. Oliver: It'll just be a different kind. INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Somers is packing files with another man in the room. Somers: Triad bitch screwed up the hit on Lance. Now, the Triad is gonna erase every ounce of evidence of their smuggling operation, including me. Except that's not gonna happen. Tell Wallace to get the boat ready. I'm leaving tonight. Man (on radio): Wallace? Wallace, you copy? Wallace? Arrow (on radio): Wallace isn't here. But I am. Somers: We need to move, now. Move! Man: Sir, we've got six men up there. Somers: It's not enough. Move it! INT. LAUREL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Quentin: You're gonna go back into that courtroom tomorrow, and you're gonna recuse yourself from this case, all right? Or drop it. Either way, you're done. Laurel: If you think I'm gonna abandon Emily Nocenti, then you don't know me all that well. Quentin: You don't know me well, young lady. I will lock you in a cell if that's what it takes. Laurel stands up. Laurel: Well, I guess that's what it's gonna take then. Quentin: Damn it, Laurel! I thought after what happened with Sara, you'd stop being just so reckless. Laurel: It's not about being reckless! It's just the opposite. I'm trying to make this city safer, just like you. Quentin: Sweetie. You're my only daughter, Laurel. You're all I have left to live for. Laurel: But what you want from me isn't living. Having cops around, not being able to do my job. Quentin: Your job is not going after people like the Triad or Somers. Laurel: My job is to use the law to fight for what is right. Just like you taught me. Quentin: Well, that's dirty: using me against me. You can't do that. Laurel: Well... Maybe I picked that up along the way, too. (Quentin LAUGHS) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Quentin (into phone): Lance. Man on phone: Sir, we got a report from the warfside, Somers Imports. Quentin: I'll be right there. (hangs up phone) I gotta go. Something's going on at the docks. INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (MACHINE GUN FIRING) Arrow shoots an arrow into a man. He jumps along the high metal beams and jumped to the ground, crouching. Arrow shoots another man. A third man rounds the corner with a machine gun and Arrow jumps over the side of a fence in the warehouse. Arrow shoots another man and runs toward a fifth, shooting him. He runs down stairs and nocks another arrow. He shoots another man, who falls off of a ledge. Arrow sees Somers run into a different warehouse. Arrow: Somers! INT. DIFFERENT WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (Somers PANTING) Arrow enters the warehouse. (Somers YELLING) Arrow shoots an arrow into a wooden crate next to Somers' head. (ARROW THUDS) (Somers GROANING) Somers (yelling): Oh, God, no, no, no. Arrow: He can't help you. Arrow shoots another arrow onto the other side of Somers' head. Arrow (yelling[i]): I want the truth about Victor Nocenti. Somers ([i]stuttering): I can't. The Triad will kill me. Arrow: The Triad's not your concern right now. Arrow shoots another arrow between Somers' legs. (WHIMPERING LOUDLY) Somers: All right, all right, all right. (shakily) It wasn't me that killed him. It was the Triad. Arrow: Acting on whose instructions? Arrow shoots again above Somers' head. (Somers SCREAMING) Arrow (yelling): Whose? Somers: All right, all right. It was mine. It was mine, all right? Nocenti said he was gonna testify against me. Arrow turns around and sees the Woman that attacked in Laurel's apartment. Woman (in foreign language): Move away from him. Arrow (in same foreign language): Make me. Arrow and the Woman fight. They both are very skilled. (GRUNTING) (SIRENS APPROACHING) Woman knocks Arrow to the ground. Policeman (over megaphone): This is the police. Drop your weapons. Arrow and the Woman run in opposite directions. Policeman (over megaphone): You are surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air. Arrow runs outside and climbs over a storage unit. He starts to run and stops at the click of a gun. Quentin (pointing gun): Freeze! You twitch and you're dead. Bow down, hands up. Arrow grabs an arrow from his leg sheath and throws it at Quentin. Quentin drops his gun. (SIRENS WAILING) (GRUNTS) Quentin stumbles back and looks around to see no trace of the Arrow, other than a blinking arrow holding his gun to the storage unit. Quentin presses a button on the blinking arrow. (RECORDING REWINDING) (RECORDING PLAYS) Somers: All right, all right. It was mine. It was mine, all right? Nocenti said he was gonna testify against me. Quentin (looking around): You son of a bitch. (SIRENS WAILING) INT. OLIVER'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Arrow puts his bow away. Oliver (voiceover): Laurel was right. I can't be the Oliver my mother wants me to be and still keep the promise I made to my father. Arrow starts taking off his outfit. Oliver (voiceover): I have to be the person I need them to see me as. EXT. ROBERT QUEEN MEMORIAL APPLIED SCIENCES CENTER - DAY Tommy: Oh! Excuse me, ladies. (walking up to Laurel) Okay, this is a surprise. Did you show up here by mistake? Laure: By invitation. Oliver invited me last night. Tommy: Last night? Laurel: Is that surprise or jealousy I'm hearing? Tommy: Look, I just don't want him to find out anything, okay? Oliver has been through a lot. Laurel: Tommy, we've all been through a lot. Walter: Good afternoon. And thank you all for coming. Welcome to the future site of the Robert Queen Memorial Applied Sciences Center. Everyone applauds. Walter: Now, this is a building that will stand as a monument to the man whose company and vision are his greatest legacies. Oliver: Whoa! Whoa! Oliver walks over and takes a drink of champagne. Oliver: What about me? Right? I'm a legacy. Hey! Thanks for warming them up, Walt. (grunts and gets onto stage) All right. Ow! Fine, fine shovel. I got it. Oliver takes the shovel from Walter and almost drops it. Oliver: Whoa! Ow! Woman: He must be drunk. Oliver (whispering): I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I got it. I got it. Oliver leans into the microphone. Oliver: Some of you may not know me. My name is Oliver Queen. Watch some television, read a newspaper, I'm kind of famous right now. Mostly, though, I'm famous because I'm Robert Queen's son. Uh, but as Walter, who's my new dad... Huh? Who is... Sorry. As Walter was saying, I'm not much of a legacy, per se. Walter: Oliver, you don't have to do this. Oliver: No, sit. Sit! Gosh. See, I was supposed to come here today, and I'm supposed to take my rightful place at the company. Prodigal son returns home and becomes the heir apparent. But I'm not my father. I'm not the man he was. I'm not half the man he was. I never will be. So, please, stop asking me to be. Oliver sticks shovel into dirt and walks off stage. Thea watches in shock and Moira puts her head down. Diggle follows Oliver away. (CAMERAS CONTINUE CLICKING) INT. LAW FIRM - DAY Laurel, Emily Nocenti, and Lawyer watch the news report. Newscaster: Martin Somers, the CEO of Starling Port, was arrested last night for the murder of Victor Nocenti. He is also being accused of accepting cash, including over $10 million in bribes. Lawyer turns off TV. Lawyer: Well, we can pursue the civil suit if you want, but the D.A. now has no choice, with Mr. Somers' confession, to prosecute him. Laurel: He's going to jail, Emily. For the rest of his life. Emily Nocenti: Thank you so much for fighting for us. Laurel: Well, thank you for being brave enough to let me. Emily Nocenti walks away and Quentin enters. Quentin: Hey. Laurel: I thought I didn't need police protection anymore. Quentin: I thought I didn't need a reason to see my own daughter. Laurel: You don't. Hmm. You look tired. Quentin: Yeah, I was filling out reports on the shootout at the port last night and getting grilled about how I let that archer get away. Laurel: I have to admit, I'm kind of glad he did. He brought down Martin Somers. Quentin: He hurt a bunch of people doing it, okay? He is no hero. He is an anarchist. Laurel: Yeah, well, whoever he is, it seems like he's trying to help. Quentin: The city doesn't need that kind of help, okay? It's like I always told you, you don't need to go outside the law to find justice. Now I believe that. All right? And I promise you, when I catch this guy, (voiceover) he's gonna believe it, too. INT. QUEEN MANSION - DAY Oliver sits at his desk with his father's book. He crosses off "Martin Somers." FLASHBACK Oliver carries his dad's body over rocks. (PANTING) (GROANS) He lays his dad's body on the ground and sees the book in his dad's pocket. He opens the book to see blank pages, aside from a circular design on the inside of the front cover. END FLASHBACK EXT. BRIDGE - DAY A limo pulls up next to a silver car. Moira gets out of the car and into the limo. Moira: Well, you saw for yourself. My son knows nothing. Robert didn't tell him anything that could hurt us. And he has no idea that the yacht was sabotaged. Camera shows the other person holding a book with the same circular design. EXT. QUEEN MANSION - DAY Oliver looking at gravestones with two workers behind him and Diggle standing by the car. Oliver kneels in front of his father's stone with the book in hand. Oliver: All that time on the island, plotting my return, I didn't realize how hard it would be. To reconnect with Mom, Thea, Laurel. Okay, I didn't... I didn't know how painful it would be to keep my secrets. You asked me to save the city. To right your wrongs. I will. I swear. But to do that, I can't be the Oliver that everyone wants me to be, which means that sometimes... To honor your wishes... I need to dishonor your memory. I'm sorry. Oliver stands and sighs, walking toward the car. Oliver: Take it down. The workers walk toward the gravestones. Diggle: Will you be going out tonight, sir? Oliver: Definitely. FLASHBACK Oliver picks up a rock and puts it on the grave he made for his father. (ARROW THUDS) A handmade arrow goes through Oliver's right shoulder. (SCREAMING) (GROANING LOUDLY) Oliver looks around and sees someone in a green hood standing on the rocks by the water. The person puts another arrow on their bow and aims. Oliver: No, no... ~CREDITS~

Laurel brings a civil suit against millionaire Martin Somers, who is also one of Oliver's targets, for taking part in drug trades with the Chinese Triad that ultimately led to the death of a young woman's father. As the vigilante, Oliver threatens Somers to make him confess to the murder as penance for all of the wrongs he has done to the city. Instead, Somers contacts the Triad, who send the assassin Chien Na Wei to kill Laurel. Oliver saves Laurel from Chien; he later obtains Somers' confession and gives an audio recording of it to Quentin. Meanwhile, Moira and Walter push Oliver to take a position at the company . Oliver stymies their efforts by using the opening of the company's new applied sciences division to publicly opt out of the position, knowing that he cannot simultaneously honor Robert's request to fight for the city and be the man Moira wants him to be. She is revealed to be conspiring with a man affiliated with a symbol that exists in Robert's book possessed by Oliver. A flashback to Oliver's time on the island shows him being attacked by an unknown hooded figure wielding a bow and arrow.

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[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Prue and Leo are there looking at a teen picture of Piper when she had glasses and braces, stuck on a board along with other people's photos for the 10-year reunion.] Prue: Alright, I know that it seems like she's being a little neurotic, but high school was hard for her. Really, really hard. You know, she was kind of like Jan Brady, the middle sister, not quite sure where she fits in. Leo: Jan who? Prue: Hmm. Piper: (from upstairs) Okay, ready or not, here I come. Prue: Okay, no matter what, just be supportive. (Piper comes down wearing a very weird black and gold feathered dress.) Wow! Um, you look great. Leo: Really, really, really great. Piper: Leo, two really's would have been plenty. I look ridiculous. (Prue and Leo look at each other.) Prue/Leo: No! Leo: Uhh... Prue: Feathers and... Leo: Really... Prue: Yeah. Piper: Great, I'm going to my 10-year reunion and win most likely to scare people away at the door. (Piper walks over to the mirror and starts removing her make-up. Prue motions for Leo to follow. He walks over to her.) Leo: Come on, Piper, isn't this supposed to be a fun thing, you know, going back and seeing all your old friends? Piper: You weren't by any chance popular in high school were you? Leo: Well, I was I mean, is there a right answer to this question? (Leo looks back at Prue and she shakes her head.) Piper: Leo, I didn't like high school, not even a little bit. I was nobody in high school. Prue: Piper, you were not a nobody. Piper: Prue, you were class president. You have no idea what it's like on the other side. Prue: Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. Piper: I just, I had this stupid idea that I'd go back in 10 years and show them, and all I'm gonna show them is that I'm a big haired freak. Prue: Alright, you do not look like a freak. You just, you don't look like yourself. Piper: Well, if I could go as myself, I wouldn't be having this problem. Leo: Wait, so you mean this is like a costume party? (They walk into the living room.) Piper: What I mean is I'm this super powerful witch who's engaged to a Whitelighter saving the world from evil on a daily freaking basis, and all these people are going to see is the same pitiful loser who still lives at home with her sisters and her unemployed boyfriend. Prue: Did you put a lot of hairspray on that hair? Piper: No. Prue: Well, then all is not lost. By the time I'm done with you, you are going to be the hottest chick at the reunion. Piper: Really? Prue: Mmm hmm. Who do you think helped Phoebe go blonde? Leo: Hey, uh, speaking of Phoebe, maybe you guys should invite her to join you, she's been kind of distant lately. Piper: Leo, when you find out your boyfriend is a demon and then you have to vanquish him, a little alone time is in order. (Piper leaves the room.) Prue: Besides, I think she's kind of avoiding me. You know, I mean, I never really liked Cole, and then I tried to warn her. I think it's a whole wounded pride thing. Leo: What do we do? Prue: We double team. You help Phoebe with her demons and I will help Piper with hers. [Scene: An alchemist's lab. He smashes some glass test tubes with his hand. He holds up his bleeding hand. A woman (Terra) is standing in front of him.] Kierkan: (shouting) I made you from my own blood, found you a flawless body and housed you in it. You were supposed to be my... Terra: Masterpiece? I'm not a painting, Kierkan. That blood gave me your powers. You lust for life, yet you hold me captive in this hole and you expect me to be grateful? Kierkan: Belthazor was more powerful than either of us. Where is he now? Vanquished by the Charmed Ones. Terra: Is that fear I'm sensing? Is Kierkan, the dark and powerful alchemist afraid of three little witches? Kierkan: Perhaps I should suck you into your little mixing bottle and start again. There's always room for improvement. Terra: I have a better idea. (She picks up a dagger and stabs herself with it.) Kierkan: No! (Blue gas rises from her body and floats out the door.) I will find you, Terra. You belong to me! [Cut to outside a building. A man in a suit is there talking on his cell phone.] Man: I don't care, it has to be huge. And done. And done before the stock IPO's. And, uh, and please tell the music guy that I don't wanna hear anymore of that '90s techno crap. Okay, this is a computer game for the new millennium and I want it to freakin' sound like that. (Blue gas rises out of the drain and enters the man. She possesses him.) Man/Terra: Bye now. (He hangs up.) Well, I've never been a man before. (He feels his crotch.) Walking should be interesting. (The man looks into the reflection of the building and sees his non-possessed self.) Man's reflection: What the hell is going on? Man/Terra: I want you to take me to the Charmed Ones. Man's reflection: What? Man/Terra: The witches, you fool. They go by Halliwell. (The man's reflection sees someone walk by and calls out.) Man's reflection: Hey, hey, help me! Man/Terra: Nice try, but nobody can hear you. You're just a trapped soul now. Only I can see you. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Prue and Piper are there. There are clothes all over her bed. Piper is dressed in a suit and is looking in the mirror.] Piper: I don't know, maybe we should've gone back to the Betsy Johnson. You know, the cool club chick look as apposed to the classy club owner look. Prue: Yeah or we could just wrap you in a sheet and send you as a Hare Krishna all right? What do you think about that? Since we already tried everything else. Piper: I'm sorry. I just don't think I can do it. I can't go there and face all those horrific people. Prue: I mean, come on, why do you even care what these people think? Piper: Only a former cheerleader could ask that question. Prue: Alright, look, I realise high school was very hard for you, but you are just not that shy awkward girl anymore. Piper: But... Prue: No! Now, you are going and you are going to have a great time, young lady. Piper: You are not the boss of me. Prue: Oh, I am too. Besides, nothing could be worse than my date last night. Piper: What do you mean? I thought he was nice. Prue: Oh, I have one word for you: halitosis. And he only scored a two. Piper: Oh, Prue, please don't tell me you're making lists again. Prue: Of course I am. Lists are good. Why waste your time if it's not gonna work out? Piper: Well, maybe I can look around the reunion for you. I'm sure there's lots of eligible ex-football players for the head cheerleader. Prue: Younger men are not on my list. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Hey, have you guys seen my glasses? Prue: No. Piper: Sorry. Phoebe: Oh, damn. (Phoebe walks back out. Prue and Piper follow her.) Piper: Uh, Pheebs, are you sure you don't want to come tonight? You could work the bar and mix some yucky drinks for some ex-cheerleaders. (Prue elbows Piper.) Ugh! Phoebe: As much fun as that sounds, I have a ton of school work that I need to catch up on, so I'm gonna be at the library all night. Prue: Phoebe, look, we just want you to know that if you need to talk at all, we're here. Phoebe: I know that. I'm okay. Piper: Really? ‘Cause you haven't spent like five minutes in the same room with us for over a week. Phoebe: I'm sorry. It's just there's some things, some answers, that I need, and I sort of need to find them for myself, you know? Prue: Soul searching? Phoebe: Definitely... searching, yeah. But I'm okay, don't worry about me. (to Piper) You look beautiful. Piper: Thanks. Phoebe: Have fun tonight. (She walks away.) [Time lapse. Prue, Piper and Leo are carrying stuff for the reunion out to Piper's car. Someone in a car pulls up in front of the house.] Justin: Piper Halliwell? You still living at home? Piper: Justin Harper, is that you? (Justin gets out of the car and Piper walks over to him.) Justin: Hey. (They hug.) Leo: (to Prue) Uh, so who's this? Ex-boyfriend? Prue: Oh, don't worry about him, Leo. He's just a friend from school. Besides, he had a really big crush on me. He used to follow me around like a puppy dog. Piper: (to Justin) Are you going to the reunion? Justin: Oh, yeah, nostalgia struck. Thought I'd drive around the old neighbourhood. Ten years. It's unbelievable. Piper: Yeah. We were just actually heading to P3 for the planning committee. We have a lot more food than we have room for. Would you mind... Justin: Absolutely. (Piper walks back over to Leo. Prue carries a try of food over to Justin.) Prue: Great! Here you go. Look at you, Justin, all grown up. Justin: Yeah, you, too. Phoebe isn't it? Prue: Hmm. Prue. Justin: Prue, right. Sorry. (Prue goes back inside.) Leo: (to Piper) Well, it looks like you've got all the help you need, which is good because "they're" calling. Piper: No, you can't cut out on me. I need you tonight. Leo: I'll be back in time for the reunion, I promise. Piper: Double extra promise. Leo: I wouldn't miss it. I'm gonna have the prettiest date ever. [Cut to Man/Terra sitting in a car near by watching them. The non-possessed self appears in the rear vision mirror.] Man's reflection: Please. Look, you've found them. Why don't you just get out of me? Man/Terra: I have to get one of them alone. The transfer's a little, huh, messy. I can't do it just anywhere. Man's reflection: Look, I'm begging you. I can't stand this anymore. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating. Man/Terra: That's because your soul is dying. It'll be easier if you don't fight it. (Piper and Justin drive off and Man/Terra follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Mausoleum. The same mausoleum where Phoebe faked Cole's death. Phoebe's there looking at the hole in the ground where she burnt Cole's shirt.] Phoebe: Cole, if you can hear me. I can't stand lying anymore. I have to tell my sisters that you're alive, that I let you go, and that you would never do anything to hurt us and, that you love me. I just don't know how to do it. I need... (She leans against a coffin and has a premonition of the past. In the premonition there is Cole's mother, father and baby Cole. The mother pushes the father and she zaps him with her power. The premonition ends and Phoebe looks at the coffin. She wipes off the dust and sees "Benjamin Coleridge Turner 1859-1888" carved on it.) [Scene: P3. Prue and Piper come down the stairs carrying plates of food.] Prue: Now just remember, even if you can't tell them that you're super witch, you can still act like it. (Piper spots a blonde woman standing across the room.) Piper: Oh, my god, Missy Campbell, homecoming queen. Prue: Oh, please, it's ancient history. You can do this. (Piper walks over to her. Prue goes up to the bar where Justin is sitting.) Piper: Uh huh. Missy, is that you? (Missy looks confused.) Piper. Piper Halliwell. Uh, we had chem. together and Miss flower for English. Missy: Right, Piper. You used to sit in the back of class drawing pictures on your jeans. Piper: Yes! Yeah, that, yep, that was me. Missy: Wow, your skin has really cleared up. Accutane? Piper: No, n-no, I guess, you know, ten years. Is there anything I can do to help or... Missy: Do you know what would be great? Can you get this trash out of here? (She points to a pile of trash on the floor.) Piper: Absolutely. I, yeah. I can, I can totally do that. I know where the dumpster is and everything. [Cut to the bar where Prue and Justin are sitting.] Prue: Alright, that's it, she needs me. Justin: She's gotta find her legs on her own sometime. Prue: Sorry? Justin: Remember when she ran for freshman class secretary? She got so nervous that you had to go up on stage and finish her speech for her. Prue: See, I knew that you remembered me. Why did you call me Phoebe? Justin: Listen, you plagued my high school existence. I pretend not to remember your name. I mean, a guy's got to turn the tables every, you know, ten years or so. (Man/Terra walks down the stairs and spots Piper cleaning up the trash.) Prue: I plagued your high school existence? Justin: Please, I was your willing slave and you know it. You did me a favour though. Prue: I did? Justin: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, see, I don't go for women like you anymore. Prue: Women like me? Justin: Well, number one on my list, no women can make me drool. They hold way too much power. (Prue smiles.) What? Prue: You have a list? (Prue sees Piper picking up the trash.) Oh! (She goes over to her.) Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Uh, Missy asked me to take out the trash, so... Prue: So, you own this place, alright? Tell somebody else to take out the trash. Piper: Prue, I can't, look, I can't explain it, but being around these people make me feel like exactly when I was 16, invisible and inferior. Prue: You want me to beat them up? ‘Cause I-I-'II beat them up one-by-one. Piper: No. Look, it's not them. It's just me. Prue: Alright, so what are you going to do about it? Piper: Take out of the trash? Prue: Piper. Piper: Okay, I'm going to take out the trash and try and get a grip. And then I'm going to come back in here and do something about these streamers and balloons. Because, what, are we still at the prom? Prue: Hmm. (Piper picks up the bags of rubbish and takes them outside. Prue sits back down at the bar. Man/Terra picks up a knife.) [Cut to outside. Piper puts the rubbish bags in a dumpster. Man/Terra walks outside. Piper turns around and gets a fright. He jabs the knife in his chest.] Piper: Oh my god, oh my god. (The man falls to the ground. Piper kneels in front of him and the blue gas rises out of him and into Piper. She stands up.) Piper/Terra: Thanks for the lift. (She covers the man with an old sheet. She looks into some broken glass and non-possessed Piper's reflection shows up.) You'd better be as powerful as they say you are. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper/Terra walks in P3. She looks into a mirror.] Piper/Terra: Uh, help me out. What is our sister's name? Piper's reflection: If you get out of my body now, I might not have to vanquish your sorry ass. Piper/Terra: Not as weak as you seemed after all. That'll change. [Cut to Prue and Justin at the bar.] Prue: Wow. You only scored a four. That is just so sad. Justin: Well, excuse me, but you only scored a five out of ten on my list. Prue: Right, so I got an F but, dude, you got an F-minus. Justin: Ouch. That's a bad high school flashback. (Prue sees Piper gulping down shots of alcohol. Prue runs over to her.) Prue: Uh-oh. Hi! Okay, hi. Don't really think that that's the best way to deal with your reunion jitters, okay. Piper/Terra: What? Oh, okay. (Missy comes up to them.) Missy: Piper, can you move your hors d'oeuvres to the other table? Heather wants to use that one for the “Then and Now” photos. Piper/Terra: Uh, sure, whatever you say. (Missy walks away.) Prue: No. You stand up to her. You can do it. Piper/Terra: I can? Prue: You can do it. Piper/Terra: Okay. (to Missy) Hey! Bitch! Move the trays yourself. Prue: Alright, um, that was great, although the bitch part might have been a little much, but... (Piper grabs Prue's arm.) Piper: Prue, help me! Prue: Alright, what's wrong? Piper/Terra: Uh, nothing. I just don't feel very well, um, I should go home. Prue: Oh, no, you don't. I'm not letting you skip your reunion, alright? You did great just now. Piper/Terra: I just need to rest. I'll be back. Prue: Now, you get back here by 6:00 otherwise I'm gonna come and get you and it won't be pretty. Got it? Piper/Terra: Mmm hmm. Prue: Uh-huh. Piper/Terra: Okay. [Cut to outside P3. Kierkan is there. He finds the man and removes the sheet. A bright light comes out of Kierkan's hand and shines into the man. He chants. The man comes back to life.] Man: What... what the hell? Kierkan: The spirit who possessed you, with whom did she replace you? Man: What? (The man sees the knife sticking out of his chest.) Oh, god, she stabbed me. (Kierkan pins the man to the wall.) Kierkan: Focus! Man: She's a woman. Uh, brown hair. We followed her from Prescott Street. The pink house on Prescott Street. (Kierkan lets the man go.) Kierkan: What was her plan? Man: She was saying something about wanting to kill some guy. Uh, something about revenge. Kierkan: Predictable. After all, it's exactly what I would do. Man: How, how am I still alive? Kierkan: Oh, no. Not still, again. My specialty, along with this. (He kills the man again and covers him up.) [Scene: Historical Society. Phoebe's there standing in front of a desk where a woman sits looking at an old newspaper.] Woman: Benjamin Coleridge Turner died in 1888, although there's no date of death for his wife. That's odd. There should be some record of that. Phoebe: Um, they had a baby though, didn't they? I think. Woman: Yes. A son. Cole Turner. Born in 1885. Never got to know his father, unfortunately. Phoebe: Cole Turner. It can't be. Woman: That's strange. There's no date of death for him either. Must be another clerical error. I can't imagine he's alive and kicking at 115. Phoebe: No. Can't imagine that. [Scene: Manor. Piper/Terra walks inside. She looks into a mirror.] Piper/Terra: Don't you get it? He's going to find us. Piper's reflection: Okay, I'll say it again slowly. Try to follow this time. I'm not going to tell you what my powers are. (Piper/Terra walks into the living room and looks out the window.) Piper/Terra: I can't figure out if you're stubborn or stupid. If I can't fight him, he's going to kill us. He's looking for me. I can feel him. He's getting close. (She looks in another mirror.) Piper's reflection: Well, get out of my body and I'll help you fight him. Piper/Terra: I can't survive without a body, and I'd much rather your soul die than mine. (She walks into the conservatory.) Piper's reflection: My sisters will figure out what you've done and... Piper/Terra: And what? What do you plan to do? Wave to them from the mirror? You're nothing but my reflection to them. Piper's reflection: I controlled my arm at P3. I used my voice. I'll get stronger and when I do... Piper/Terra: Wrong. You'll get weaker, and in a few hours you'll die. And there's really nothing you can do about it. Piper's reflection: Well, then you better watch your back. Because if I die, my sisters will make you wish you died with me. Piper/Terra: Hmm. Care about you a lot, these sisters of yours. (She walks into the kitchen.) Think they'd come running to help you fight off an angry demon? (She picks up the phone and dials a number.) (into phone) Hello. I'd like the number of P3, please, Piper: Ugh. What do you think you're doing? Piper/Terra: Well, you may have a death wish, but I don't. And if you won't help me, I know someone who will. [Cut to P3. Prue's behind the bar. Missy comes up to the bar.] Missy: Are you almost finished with that? Because I need you to help the DJ set up. (Prue pretends to scratch her nose but really uses her power to make dozens of balloons fall down from the roof.) Prue: Oh. Missy: That's the third time that's happened. Prue: That's too bad. Missy: Oh, man! (She starts to pick up the balloons.) Okay, guys, just don't panic, there's plenty of time. (Prue smiles and looks pleased with herself. Justin comes up to the bar.) Justin: Man, I think Missy's gonna have an embolism. Prue: Yeah, uh, can you hand me those glasses? (He does so.) Justin: It's weird though, right? I mean, those balloons. She used like three pounds of tape. Prue: Scotch tape. Hardly sturdy. Justin: Yeah, I still think you might have a poltergeist. Prue: A what? Justin: You know, a ghost that plays tricks. Prue: Yeah, I know what a poltergeist is but do you really believe in that stuff? Justin: Yeah, absolutely. Makes life interesting.. Prue: Huh. Justin: What? Prue: Nothing. It's just that, um, believing in the supernatural should definitely be on my list. (The phone rings. Prue answers it.) P3. Piper/Terra: Prue? It's me. Prue: Piper, what's wrong? Piper/Terra: I-I-I got home and there was a demon in the house. Prue: Are you okay? Did you freeze him? [Cut to Piper/Terra in the manor.] Piper/Terra: (to herself) Freeze him? That's good. (in the phone) No, he-he got away and he had this wild hair and these intense bulging eyes and he said he was gonna come back. Prue: Uh, alright, look in the Book Of Shadows for a vanquish and I'll pick up Phoebe and we'll meet you at the house, okay? Piper/Terra: Okay, but hurry, because he could come back any minute. Prue: Alright, bye. (She hangs up.) Piper/Terra: Where's the book? Piper: You just made a big mistake calling my sisters home. Piper/Terra: Is that what you think? Piper's reflection: That is what I know. Piper/Terra: Well, here's what I think. When your precious sisters come home, I'll kill you and possess one of them. And if that one won't help me, I'll simply repeat the process. So, what do you say, Piper? One dead demon or three dead witches? Piper's reflection: The Book of Shadows is in the attic. Piper/Terra: Good choice. (She heads for the attic.) [Scene: Historical Society. Phoebe's there reading an old newspaper. Her cell phone rings and she answers it.] Phoebe: Hello? Prue: Hey, alright, don't panic, but Piper found a demon in the house, and I'm on my way... Phoebe: Was it... uh, wait, wh-who was it? What demon? Prue: Well, he had wild hair and bulging eyes, and said that he would be back. Anyway, I'm on my way to the library to pick you up, alright? So just meet me out front. Phoebe? Phoebe: Uh, actually, Prue, I'm not at the library. Prue: Well, where are you? Phoebe: Downtown at the Historical Society. I needed to do some research for a project. Prue: Alright, it's fine. I'll come and pick you up. Just meet me out front. Bye. [Scene: Outside the manor. Kierkan is there.] [Cut inside. Piper/Terra comes down the stairs.] Piper/Terra: We can't wait for your sisters. Can't I just do the spell myself? (She looks in the mirror.) Piper's reflection: No, it's a power of three spell. You can't do it by yourself. Piper/Terra: What kind of witch can't kill a demon without her sisters? Piper's reflection: What the hell kind of demon has a panic attack when her boyfriend comes to visit? (Kierkan barges through the door.) Piper's reflection: Hi. This is where you freeze him. (Kierkan hits her and she falls to the floor.) Kierkan: Interesting move, Terra. The dagger in the heart. Crude, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. Of course, now I will. (He gets out a dagger.) Piper/Terra: Kierkan, there's something I need to tell you. You just pissed off one of the Charmed Ones. (Piper/Terra freezes him. Prue and Phoebe walk in.) Prue: Piper! Piper/Terra: Prue, I have the spell. (Piper/Terra gets up and walks over to them. She hands them a piece of paper.) Prue, Piper/Terra, Phoebe: “Let flesh be flesh and bone be bone, the alchemist shall transform none, cruel scientist of evil born, with these words face the fire's scorn.” (Kierkan unfreezes. He drops Terra's bottle.) Kierkan: No! I could have helped you! Now she'll destroy you! (He burns and disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Prue: Alright, what did you say his name was again? Piper/Terra: Kierkan, but he's dead. So what are we doing up here? Prue: Well, because we have to at least acknowledge the fact that there is some kind of she-demon after us, Piper. Piper/Terra: Why? Phoebe: “I could've helped you. Now she'll destroy you”? It's not exactly cryptic. Piper/Terra: Said by a demon. Demons lie. So I say we get rid of the ugly little bottle and get on with our lives. Phoebe: Piper, this bottle is our only clue. Maybe he was lying, but maybe he wasn't. You know, sometimes demons actually tell the truth. Piper/Terra: Well, I have a party to get ready for. Prue: Changing your clothes again? Piper/Terra: Definitely. (Piper/Terra opens the door but Piper breaks through and shuts it.) Piper: (weakly) Prue, I'm dying. Prue: What? Piper/Terra: Um, I'm dying to get out of these clothes. Are you sure you don't mind if I leave? Prue: No, go ahead. We'll let you know if we find anything. (Piper/Terra leaves the room.) Phoebe: What's with her? Prue: That's funny. I was kind of wondering the same thing about you. Phoebe, why did you lie to us? Why did you say you were gonna be at the library all night? Phoebe: Oh, um, okay. I wanted to check out Cole's ancestry and I knew that you wouldn't like it. Prue: You have to know that you can talk to me and I'm not gonna judge you. I mean, if you still have feelings for Belthazor... Phoebe: No, I don't still have feelings for Belthazor, I still have feelings for Cole. I mean, he was half human. Prue: He tried to kill us for two months, Phoebe, alright? Half human or not, that still makes him a bad guy. Phoebe: But he didn't kill us because of his good side, Prue, which was very good. I mean, his dad was this statesman, who did all these amazing things. Look. (Phoebe gets some pieces of paper out of her bag.) Prue: His good side and evil side, they're both dead, and I don't think separating them in your mind is going to help you let him go. Phoebe: I just really need to believe in his good side right now, Prue. Prue: Alright, let's just focus on the demon that's after us now, okay? Phoebe: Okay. [Cut to Piper's room. Piper/Terra is looking in the mirror. She is wearing a red leather top and black leather pants.] Piper's reflection: Okay, we vanquished your boyfriend, now why don't you give me back my body and save yourself while you can? Piper/Terra: The only way I know how to get out of a body is a knife to the heart. You don't really want that, do you? Piper: So tell my sisters and they will come up with a spell to get you out of me, safely. And then in exchange, we'll let you go free. Piper/Terra: And give up the power to freeze? A chance to be one of the infamous Charmed Ones? No, thanks. I'll think I'll stay. But don't worry. It'll be over soon. (Leo starts to orb in.) It's easier if you don't fight it. Piper: Well, if my sisters don't figure you out and destroy you, my boyfriend Tom will. (Leo orbs in, dressed in a suit.) Leo: Wow. Piper/Terra: Uh, Tom, you scared me. I didn't hear the door. Leo: I didn't use the door. Did you just call me Tom? Piper/Terra: Did I? Forgive me. (She kisses him passionately. He stops her.) What's wrong? Leo: Nothing. It's just your kisses seem different. Piper/Terra: Oh, don't be ridiculous. That's just because I never wanted you so much. (She kisses him again and he stops her.) Leo: Piper, what's my name? Piper/Terra: (to Piper) You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you? (She zaps Leo and he hits the wall.) That's okay. He's too cute to kill and anyway, by the time he wakes up, you'll be gone. Besides, I have a party to attend and lots to celebrate. [Cut back to the attic. Prue and Phoebe are flipping through the Book of Shadows.] Prue: Apparently alchemists can transform anything. You know, like water into gold, energy into matter. They even have the ability to bring the dead back to life. But it doesn't say really anything about... (Phoebe looks out the window and sees Piper/Terra leave the house.) Phoebe: Hmm, that's weird. Prue: What? Phoebe: Piper just left without Leo and she didn't say goodbye to us or come up and show us what she's wearing or anything. Prue: Here's the bottle under alchemist's tools. Phoebe: What's it say? Prue: “Essence bearer. An alchemist would use a bottle such as this to capture or store a life essence.” Phoebe: A life essence? Prue: “A life essence is comparable to a human soul, but made in a mixing lab. A well-made life essence can possess an living being, but would prove toxic and eventually lethal to the being's pre-existing soul.” Oh, my God. Phoebe: What? Prue: She's been acting really... and she left without saying and... and the bottle. She wanted to destroy it. Phoebe: Okay, I'm trying to jump on your thought train here, Prue, but you're moving a little too fast for me. Prue: He was looking at her when he said she would destroy us. She's possessed. Piper is possessed. Phoebe: What? Prue: Alright, uh, we have to write a spell. A dispossessing spell. Come on, let's go. Phoebe: Okay. [Scene: P3. Piper is dancing on top of the bar. All the guys are whistling and cheering. She pours a shot of alcohol in a guy's mouth. Prue and Phoebe walk in.] Phoebe: Okay, I'm not saying that you're wrong. I'm just saying that I hope you're wrong, you know? (They see Piper.) Ooh! Prue: Ooh. Phoebe: Hope... dashed. Prue: Uh, alright, come on, we need to get her alone. (A woman comes up to them.) Woman: You're Piper's sisters, right? Prue: Yeah. Good memory. Woman: Okay, um, listen, I think I know what Piper's going through. I have been sober for about five years now myself. And if Piper ever wants to go to a meeting, would you tell her to call me. Okay? (She hands Prue a card.) Prue: Okay. Phoebe: Great. (The woman walks away. Prue and Phoebe see Piper dancing with a guy.) It's a good thing Leo is not here. (Missy walks up to the guy.) Missy: Dennis, what is the matter with you? Dennis: Oh, wow, honey, I'm sorry. (Piper/Terra freezes Missy.) Piper/Terra: Hah! (Prue and Phoebe come over to them and bump into Missy, unfreezing her. Missy spills her drink over herself.) Phoebe: Oh! Oh! I am so sorry. (Missy storms off.) Prue: (to Dennis) Hi. Your wife went that way. Bye! (to Piper) We need to show you something. (They take Piper/Terra outside into the alley and start the dispossessing spell.) Prue, Phoebe: “Host soul, reject the poison's essence. Let love's light end this cruel possession.” (Nothing happens.) Piper/Terra: Clever girls. Piper said you would figure it out, although Piper won't be saying anything in about half an hour. Phoebe: She's too strong, we need the power of three. Prue: You have ten seconds to leave on your own. Piper/Terra: Or what? What are you going to do, hit me with another rhyming couplet? I'm made from Kierkan's blood, which means I have his powers. Add that to Piper's powers, and I'm stronger than your average essence. Phoebe: Okay, we need help. Leo! Leo! Piper/Terra: Oh, is that the boyfriend? I had to give him a little jolt. He'll be unconscious for awhile. Phoebe: You may be able to knock out a Whitelighter, but don't even think you can take on the Charmed Ones. Piper/Terra: Um, the bottle won't work on me unless I'm not in a body, and to get me out, you'd have to kill your own sister. Call me a gambler, but I seriously doubt that you're willing to do that. (Prue uses her power and Piper/Terra flies against the wall.) Prue: Get the hell out of my sister! Piper/Terra: Alright. (She pulls the dagger out of the man she killed before.) If you insist. (She goes to stab herself.) Prue: No, don't! Piper/Terra: That's what I thought. (She walks back inside P3.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Prue and Phoebe walk back inside. Piper/Terra is dancing.] Phoebe: Okay, are you going to fill me in on the plan? Prue: I'll explain on the way. Phoebe: On the way where? Prue: Home. Alright, there she is. We need Leo. (They walk over to Piper/Terra.) Hi! You're coming with us, okay? [Prue grabs Piper/Terra's wrist but she pulls away.) Piper/Terra: Like hell I am. Phoebe: Piper, listen to me... (Piper/Terra pushes Phoebe. Prue and Piper slapping each other.) Guy: Whoa! Cat fight. Dude! (Prue hits Piper's neck and she falls down, knocking her out.) Phoebe: Nice! Missy: (to a friend) I knew they weren't that close. (Justin walks over.) Prue: Hey, hi, she's probably possessed. A little help to the car? Justin: Yeah. Phoebe: You okay? (They help Piper/Terra up and Justin throws her over his shoulder.) Alright, okay, show's over people! Just talk amongst yourselves. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue and Phoebe lay an unconscious Piper/Terra on the couch.] Prue: Alright, if we get back the power of three, we stand a chance. Phoebe: I still don't understand how this is gonna work. Prue: She has the alchemist's powers, which means she has the ability to bring the dead back to life. Phoebe: Yeah, but she's not dead, Prue. Is there something you're not telling me? Prue: Phoebe, I just need you to trust me, okay? So go find Leo, wake him up, and get him down here fast. (Phoebe leaves the room. Prue picks up a dagger and puts the bottle on the coffee table. She places the dagger on top of the fireplace facing Piper. She kneels down beside Piper.) Prue: Piper. I know that you're in there somewhere, alright, so just try and listen. Just remember that no matter what happens, I'm gonna bring you back. I'm so sorry, honey. I know that you tried to tell me in the attic and I... but I'm going to fix it, okay? I promise I'll bring you back. (She stands up.) Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. (Prue uses her power and the dagger flies into Piper's chest. She screams out in pain. Leo and Phoebe run in.) Leo: No! Phoebe: Prue! (Leo runs over to Piper. Prue pushes Phoebe down behind the couch.) Leo: Prue, I can't heal the dead! (Leo pulls out the dagger and the blue gas comes out of Piper and into Leo.) Prue: Now you can. Leo/Terra: That I didn't expect. Little sibling rivalry I failed to take into account? Phoebe: Shut up. Prue: Bring Piper back to life and I'll let you keep Leo's body. Refuse and I'll put that knife through his heart and suck you back into the bottle forever. Leo/Terra: But then your sister and her boyfriend would be dead. Not the world's smartest plan. Prue: She's already dead. I have nothing left to lose. Leo/Terra: Give me the bottle and I'll bring her back. Phoebe: Bring our sister back and we'll give you the bottle. (Prue and Phoebe walk out from behind the couch. Prue holds up the bottle. Leo/Terra starts chanting. A bright light comes out of his hand and goes into Piper. Piper comes back to life. Prue gives Leo/Terra the bottle and they run over to Piper. He smashes the bottle.) Prue, Piper, Phoebe: “Host soul, reject the poison's essence. (He tries to zap them but Prue reflects it with her power.) Let love of light end this cruel possession.” Leo/Terra: No! (Terra floats out of Leo and explodes into a million pieces.) Prue: Leo, she's still bleeding! (Leo heals Piper and they hug.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo walk down the stairs.] Prue: Oh, I'm so sorry that you missed your reunion. Phoebe: Put on a good show, though. Table dancing, cat fight. Piper: Mmm. (They walk up to the bar. Prue walks behind the bar.) Leo: Table dancing? Piper: Never mind. It's alright, I don't care what these people think, anyway. Prue: Really? That's new. Piper: Yeah, well, my priorities were a little skewed. (Prue puts a beer on the bar.) (to Leo) And thank you, for know the difference between my kisses and hers. (Piper and Leo kiss.) And you, for being brave enough to... Prue: Oh, what, kill you? Piper: Yeah. Couldn't come up with a better plan, huh? Prue: Um, no. Phoebe: Okay, I guess I'm gonna call Morris to tell him about... (whispers) the dead body in the alley. (Phoebe walks away and Leo follows. Justin walks up to the bar.) Justin: So you said you were gonna explain about the bar brawl. Prue: Uh-huh. And you waited all this time just for an explanation? (Justin smiles.) Why, Mr. Harper, I do believe that you're blushing. Justin: Well, it's nothing you haven't seen before. Prue: Oh. Justin: So am I gonna get that explanation? Prue: Absolutely. Justin: When? Prue: Um, when you call me. (He walks away.) Piper: I thought younger guys were not on your list. Prue: What list? (They clink their beer bottles together.) [Cut to Phoebe at the pay phones.] Leo: You okay? Phoebe: I don't know. Leo: Phoebe, you've gotta give it some time. Cole... Phoebe: Seduced me. And I let him. On the other hand, Piper was completely taken over by evil and she fought it every step of the way. Leo: Seduction is subtler than possession. It's harder to fight. Look, you didn't know Cole was evil. Nobody did. When you found out, you vanquished him. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Phoebe: He's still alive... For me. He's still alive for me.

Piper is reluctant to go to her high school's 10th reunion, despite the facts she's now a successful business owner and that the reunion will be held at her club. Things get complicated when an alchemist accidentally sets free an evil spirt that eventually possesses Piper as she is getting ready for the reunion. As a result, Prue and Phoebe have their hands full trying to get Piper back to normal. Meanwhile Phoebe tries to get some answers about Cole's past.

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1.20 - P.S. I Lo... OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER (Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table. Lorelai is in the middle of telling a story.) LORELAI: So then he starts ripping my twenty dollar bill into like a million pieces. And I'm thinking to myself, there is a store full of people, why am I the one on line with the crazy magician? (Rory yawns) Okay, I'll cut to the end. So he couldn't put it back together again and he had to pay me back in quarters. RORY: Very good story. LORELAI: You look tired. RORY: I just haven't been sleeping very well lately. LORELAI: How come? RORY: Just have a lot on my mind. L: Anything I can do? R: Flag down the coffee. L: Arm going up now. Honey, you gotta wake up. Wanna play? R: One, two, three? L: I'll go first. (They both stare out the window.) R: And one. (Older man walks by.) L: Pass. R: Why? L: Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith. Next. R: Two. (Teenage boy on a skateboard goes by.) L: Hmm, pass. R: Why? L: Because I'm not Mary Kay LeTourneau. R: Okay. (Luke comes to the table while they are staring out the window.) LUKE: What are you looking for? L: My new husband. R: She's already passed up two perfectly good prospects. L: But I'm feeling pretty good about number three. LUKE: Do I want to know what you're doing? R: Hey, Luke came to the table, does that make him number three? LUKE: No. L: You don't even know what we're doing. LUKE: The safest answer in anything involving the two of you is no. L: We're playing one, two, three, he's yours. LUKE: I didn't ask. R: You can take the first guy that walks by, or if you decide to pass, assuming there's somebody better out there, you can take the next guy that walks by, or if you don't take him, you're automatically stuck with the third guy. L: Got it? LUKE: I'm not playing. L: Well of course not. Its still my turn. R: Okay, guy number 3 is crossing the street right now. (All three of them stare out the window.) LUKE: Why am I looking? L: Because it's like a train wreck. (They see Kirk walking towards the diner.) L: Aww, no! R: Daddy! L: Not Kirk! R: Maybe he'll buy me a pony. L: I wanna go back to the old guy. (Kirk walks in the diner. Luke walks over to him.) LUKE: Congratulations man. KIRK: Uh, thank you. (Lorelai and Rory start giggling.) KIRK: What? L: Nothing KIRK: Okay, did somebody put the kick me sign on my back again? (Lorelai and Rory are laughing.) KIRK: It wasn't funny last week and it's not funny now! I have asthma. (Kirk leaves the diner.) R: Mom, quick he's leaving! L: Oh no, Kirk come back, I love you! Drat. All right, your turn. R: I don't know Mom. You already got Kirk, how's a girl to top that? L: You're right, he's yours. R: And one. (They stare out the window. Dean walks by. Rory gets a sad look on her face.) L: Okay, so, we should order. R: Yeah, ordering's good. (Opening Credits) INDEPENDENCE INN (Lorelai is sitting at a table in the lobby organizing folders. Michel, who is behind the counter, answers the phone.) MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. MAX: Yes, is Ms. Gilmore there? MICHEL: I'm sorry, she's busy, how may I assist you? MAX: Actually, I need to speak to Ms. Gilmore. MICHEL: Is this business or personal? MAX: Personal. (Michel walks over toward Lorelai and tosses the phone on the table. Lorelai picks it up.) MAX: Is anybody there? Hello? L: Yes, Hello, hi. MAX: Lorelai? L: Max! MAX: Is this a bad time? L: No such thing. Where are you? MAX: I am in the teacher's lounge. L: Hmm, what are you wearing? MAX: Nothing. L: You must be very popular. MAX: And chilly. L: I thought we had a chat date tonight. MAX: We did, but I was thinking about something and I wanted to run it by you. L: Okay. MAX: So. . L: Ooh, hey, make a gorilla sound. MAX: Why? L: I want to play Wild Kingdom. MAX: I am not making a gorilla sound. L: I'll tell you what color underwear I'm wearing. (pause) Had you considering the gorilla sound, didn't I? MAX: Yup. L: I'm good. MAX: Okay, I need you to be serious now. L: Says the man with no pants. MAX: We've been having these very successful phone calls for a couple of weeks now. L: Yes we have. MAX: And I think that all the talking has done us a lot of good. L: Yes it has. MAX: So I was thinking that maybe this weekend instead of a phone call, we should have a date. Let's have dinner. L: Hmm, at the same restaurant? MAX: At the same table. L: Interesting idea. MAX: I think its time. L: You know what? So do I. MAX: Saturday night, 8 o'clock? L: Okay, wear some pants. MAX: I make no promises. L: Bye. CUT TO SIDEWALK (Rory is sitting on the curb reading a book. Lane walks over to her and drops a small bag of chips into her lap. Rory stands up and Lane hands her a small bag from the market.) LANE: Salt and vinegar. R: Thank you. LANE: Here's your gum, your soda, your New Yorker, and your dental floss. R: Aw, they didn't have the minty kind? LANE: They were out. RORY: Well, this is good too. (They start walking) LANE: He wasn't in there. R: What? LANE: Dean. He wasn't in there. R: Oh. LANE: In case you were wondering. R: I wasn't. LANE: Okay, well I just thought you might be. So I mentioned it. R: Well, I'm not. LANE: Okay. R: Okay. LANE: I just thought you'd might like to know for future reference that Dean is not in the store on Wednesdays so you can mark it down on that little list you're hiding from me that says where Dean is so that you can avoid him at any time. R: I was not avoiding the market. LANE: Oh, my mistake. R: I wasn't. LANE: Okay. So what are you doing tonight? R: Well homework, and then homework, and if I get all that done in time, some homework. You? LANE: I have to meet my science partner. R: Fun. LANE: Yes, science is fun. R: Call you later? LANE: Okay. R: Hey Lane? LANE: Yeah? R: You're sure he wasn't in there? LANE: I asked. (Rory pulls a small notepad out of her pocket and writes on it.) CUT TO SIDEWALK (Lorelai walks past a store as Luke walks out of the store.) L: Hey. LUKE: Oh hey. L: Doing a little shopping? LUKE: Yeah, I just had a couple things to pick up. L: At the cat club? LUKE: Yeah. L: You had a couple things to pick up at the cat club? LUKE: Yeah I did, okay? L: Okay, I just never took you for a cat lover, a 97 year old woman, or. . . Hey what'd you buy? LUKE: Nothing. L: You've got a little bag there. LUKE: I know that. L: It's got a cat paw stamped on it and a little cat nip bow. (Luke hands her the bag.) L: Wise man. (Lorelai pulls a pot holder out of the bag.) Wow, pot holders. LUKE: Yes. L: Little kitty pot holders. (she pushes a button that makes them meow.) They meow. LUKE: It's a present. L: For someone you hate? LUKE: It's Rachel's birthday okay. And don't say anything, she doesn't want anybody to know. She hates birthdays. L: Not as much as she's gonna hate these pot holders. LUKE: I don't know how to buy gifts, okay, I don't like to buy gifts. I don't like getting gifts. I mean, this whole give giving and getting process is completely insane. L: The rant begins! LUKE: I mean suddenly, on a certain date, the level of my affection for a person isn't measured by the way that I treat them or what we share. L: No! LUKE: I mean just because I didn't buy her furry slippers or a giant shoe tree, all of a sudden, I suck. L: Luke, stop. You know you cannot give her these pot holders. LUKE: Yeah I know. L: Why don't you go to the mall and walk around a little? LUKE: No, no malls. L: Luke. LUKE: I hate malls. L: Ladies and gentlemen, rant number two. LUKE: They underpay employees and overprice merchandise, they contribute to urban sprawl, they encourage materialism, and the parking's a horror. You drive in, you pay a buck, and even if you're only there for five. . L: Okay, Emma Goldman, I'll tell you what. I'll go for you. LUKE: You're gonna shop for me? L: I've got the day off tomorrow. I was gonna go anyway. LUKE: You're serious? L: I'll go get a bunch of stuff, all returnable. I'll bring it to you. You can pick what you want and the rest I'll return. I'll do all the work; all you'll have to do is point. LUKE: Point. L: One finger, preferably your index. LUKE: I don't know. L: Luke, this is the first special occasion you and Rachel have shared since she's been back. Don't you want to give her something nice? LUKE: Well I am taking her out to dinner. L: Luke. LUKE: Yeah, I gotta get her something nice. L: So then let me help. LUKE: All right, thank you. L: Oh, you're welcome. (Luke hands her his credit card.) LUKE: Nothing too out there, okay? She's not into all that trendy stuff. She likes simple, clean nature, okay. Elephants, candles, okay. Oh hey, if you can find a candle shaped like an elephant, that would . . L: Okay, you know what, I've got it all under control. LUKE: Okay, thanks. L: Okay. (Lorelai hands him back the bag with the pot holders in it.) Get rid of these. CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES (Dean knocks on the door and walks in.) DEAN: Hello? Lane? Are you here? (Mrs. Kim suddenly appears from behind a room divider, startling Dean.) DEAN: Geez. MRS. KIM: Who are you? Why you call Lane? DEAN: I Uh. MRS. KIM: How you know Lane? DEAN: Well. . . MRS. KIM: You date her? DEAN: No. MRS. KIM: You try to? DEAN: No. MRS. KIM: Then why you here? DEAN: I . . . MRS. KIM: Empty your pockets DEAN: Okay, I'm gonna go now. (Lane comes running down the steps.) LANE: Dean! Wait, wait. MRS. KIM: Who's Dean? DEAN: I'm Dean. MRS. KIM: How you know Dean? LANE: We go to school together. MRS. KIM: You do? DEAN: Yeah, we're science partners. MRS. KIM: You don't talk! DEAN: Sorry. MRS. KIM: You're science partners? LANE: Yes Mama, I invited him over to work. MRS. KIM: Work? LANE: On our science project. MRS. KIM: Reproduction? LANE: Spores, molds and fungus. MRS. KIM: Science project? LANE: Yes. MRS. KIM: For school? LANE: Yes Mama. MRS. KIM: You're not dating? LANE: No Mama. MRS. KIM: Okay, follow me. (leads them into the kitchen) You sit here. You sit here. I'm going over there, when I come back over here, these chairs will be in same place. No moving, you understand? LANE: Yes mama. DEAN: Not you, him! DEAN: Uh, yes, I understand. MRS. KIM: I see all. (Mrs. Kim leaves the kitchen.) DEAN: So that's your mom? LANE: That's my mom. DEAN: Has she seen Patton? LANE: She just gets uptight about boys. DEAN: I sensed something like that. LANE: Its nothing personal. DEAN: I know, I'm sure once she gets to know me she'll. . . LANE: Oh no, she'll hate you forever. It's just nothing personal. DEAN: Uh, we should probably get started. LANE: Chapter twelve? DEAN: Sounds good. (They both open their books and start reading.) Is this weird for you? LANE: A little. DEAN: Me too. I didn't know if maybe Rory told you to hate me or something. LANE: That's not Rory. DEAN: Yeah I know. How is she? LANE: Good. DEAN: Good? LANE: Good-ish. DEAN: Oh. LANE: Less good than ish. DEAN: Yeah? How much less? LANE: You know we're breaking our agreement. DEAN: What agreement? LANE: Out agreement not to talk about Rory. DEAN: We didn't have an agreement not to talk about Rory. LANE: Well it was an unspoken agreement. DEAN: Well it was really unspoken 'cause nobody spoke it. LANE: Well I just think that if we have to study together it would be better if we didn't discuss Rory. DEAN: Fine. LANE: Fine. (pause) You know, she can't go into the market. DEAN: Why not? LANE: Because you're there. DEAN: Not on Wednesdays LANE: Already noted. DEAN: [Sigh] LANE: Can I ask you a really personal question? DEAN: You can ask, I might not answer. LANE: Do you think you and Rory will ever get back together? DEAN: Hey, how about we go back to the no talking about Rory agreement? LANE: Look, I'm just saying that I . . . (They look up and see Rory standing in the doorway) R: I should've called. I'm sorry. (Rory leaves. Lane gets up and follows her outside.) LANE: Rory! I'm sorry I didn't tell you. R: It doesn't matter. LANE: I didn't think you'd want to know. R: I got it. LANE: Rory stop. (Rory keeps walking.) Okay, that's the opposite of stop. R: Lane, forget it. You didn't tell me, now I know. Life goes on. LANE: Don't be mad. R: I'm fine. I have to go. CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM (Rory is asleep in bed. Lorelai bangs on her door, then walks in and jumps on her bed.) L: Time to get up. Hey, I have a huge dilemma that I need your opinion on. R: What! L: Am I more beautiful today than I was yesterday? R: Oh boy. L: I'm just not sure. I mean at first I looked in the mirror and I thought, well yes, definitely, huge improvement. R: Can I have my pillow back? L: But then I thought maybe its not that I'm more beautiful today. Maybe I was just as beautiful yesterday, only I lacked the self-esteem to recognize it. R: I'm gonna go take a shower. L: Well, hurry up and I'll drive you to school. R: No thanks. (Gets out of bed and walks over to her bureau.) L: Why so charming this morning? R: I had an annoying visit from the Stars Hollow wake up fairy. Where's my tie? L: In your drawer. R: I'm looking in the drawer. L: Hmm. Check the living room R: Why would my tie be in the living room? L: Because it's been seeing the doily on the coffee table. I'm sorry, I did not want you to find out this way. R: Don't take this personally, but get out. L: Okay, you're crabby. Do you know what the perfect cure for crabbiness is? A fabulous trip to the mall. Huh? What do you say? You can blow off school and come with me. We can shop, go to the movies, maybe talk a little. R: No thanks. L: Come on, just this once. It might make you feel better. R: I feel fine and I don't want to shop. L: Honey, I know you've been in a funk over Dean, but you have to try not to dwell on it all the time. R: I'm gonna be late for school. L: Okay, then just meet me in town around four, and we'll get some Indian food and spoil our dinner. What do you say to that? R: Whatever. L: Hey, love the enthusiasm. Hey, does "Up With People" know about you? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (Luke answers the phone and takes an order while Lorelai walks into the diner carrying several shopping bags.) LUKE: Luke's. Yeah. Hang on. Okay. Cheeseburger. Fries well. Vanilla shake. Coke. Yes we have salad. One salad with cheese, one with ranch. Got it, 20 minutes. (hangs up the phone) What the hell is this? L: The results of my shopping trip all accomplished in two hours. LUKE: Impossible. L: I'm a savant. LUKE: And everything's returnable. L: Yes, yes, now sit down and relax. Let me show you what I got. LUKE: Can I have my credit card back? L: Fine. (Takes the card out of her purse and hands it you Luke.) LUKE: Looks tired. L: Where's Rachel? LUKE: She's out running some errands. L: Good. Okay, last week we were talking about Meryl Streep and the whole accent thing and Rachel said that she loved "Out of Africa" but she'd never read the book, remember? LUKE: Nope. L: Okay, so I was like, "Are you crazy? Isak Dinesen is amazing, I love her." Which is kind of crap because I'd never read the book either, but Rory told me it was amazing, so I felt pretty confident in my recommendation of "Out of Africa". (Pulls the book out of a shopping bag and hands it to Luke.) LUKE: You bought her a book? L: No, you bought her a book, to be put in her brand new camera bag. (Pulls the camera bag out of another shopping bag.) LUKE: She's got a camera bag. L: It's nylon. LUKE: So? L: This one's leather. Beautiful leather. Feel it, smell it. LUKE: I'm not gonna smell that bag. L: Fine, don't smell it, but trust me, she's gonna love it. Her old bag is falling apart so she was gonna get a new one eventually and now you will have beaten her to it. LUKE: So it's practical. L: And pretty! LUKE: Well, that seems right. L: You like? LUKE: Yeah thanks. L: Good. LUKE: What's all this? (gestures to the other shopping bags.) L: Well Luke, timing is a beautiful thing. LUKE: It is? L: It is. So I'm at the mall, and I've already found Rachel's gifts, and I've had two sugar cinnamon pretzels and I'm buzzed on the sugar and jazzed about the purchases and I decide to take a victory lap through Bloomingdale's, and it just so happens that there was an amazing sale in the men's department. I mean gorgeous stuff. Look at this. (pulls a sweater out of a bag) Huh! Forty percent off! I got three different colors! LUKE: For who? L: For you. LUKE: For me? L: Yeah. (walks over to another bag and pulls out a pair of pants) And then of course, beautiful pants. So soft, I don't know what this fabric is but I think I wanna have its baby. LUKE: Okay, hold on a minute here. L: (walks over to another bag and pulls out a belt.) Also, I got this fabulous belt to go with the sweater and the pants. Simple. Black. But look at the buckle. LUKE: I don't need a belt. L: Great buckle! Sixty percent off, can you believe it? LUKE: No I cant. Look. . L: (walks over to another bag and pulls out some shirts) Oh and I also picked up a couple of shirty shirts in case you didn't have a nice one to go with your suit. LUKE: What suit? L: This one! (grabs a garment bag, holds it up, and unzips it) LUKE: Did no one at that mall notice that you were going through some sort of psychotic episode? L: This suit. 175 percent off. LUKE: You were not supposed to be shopping for me. L: Well I thought you might like a little something new to wear when you take Rachel out tonight. LUKE: Well thank you but take it back. L: Aw, just try them on. LUKE: No way. L: You might like how you look. LUKE: I'm fine with the clothes I have. L: Okay, see this blazer? It was 175 thousand percent off. LUKE: Why the sudden need to dress me? L: I just thought you might look nice in some of these things and since they were 600 thousand percent off. . LUKE: No! L: Come on Luke, just try something on. How about this sweater? LUKE: No! L: Okay, how about the pants? Pretty pants! LUKE: I'm not trying anything on. L: Hey, its not like the lumberjack look will ever go out; it won't. But just once wouldn't it be nice not to be dressed like an extra from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"? LUKE: Take it back. L: Come on. Just the jacket. Just once, be too sexy for your shirt and do a little dance on the catwalk. (Luke walks into the back of the diner while Lorelai chases him with the suit.) LUKE: Get away from me you mental patient! CUT TO CHILTON (Max Medina is lecturing to the class. Rory is staring out the window, not paying attention.) MAX: If we read his works in order we can see his progression from a narrative of clear simplicity to one of one of rich complexity. Now this is not homework but I strongly urge you, if you have not already read "The Art of Fiction", read it. It's a remarkable manifesto that contains basic trues that still apply to fiction in any form. (Paris notices Rory not paying attention and points it out to Louise and Madeline.) MAX: All right, so Henry James, the man of the moment. Pick your book. Read it carefully. A full report on my desk one week from today. Any questions? Ms. Gilmore, any questions? (Paris pushes her book onto the floor to get Rory's attention.) PARIS: Oops. MAX: Ms. Gilmore? R: Yes? MAX: Did you hear the assignment? R: Um no, I'm sorry. MAX: Henry James. Pick your novel. A report on my desk in one week. You got it? R: Yes. I got it. (Bell rings. Students get up to leave.) MAX: See you tomorrow. (Paris walks over to Rory.) PARIS: You didn't take one note. You resorting to the osmosis theory of learning? R: Why do you care? PARIS: I don't, just making an observation. R: Great, we'll build a dome over you and jam a telescope in your head. MAX: Ms. Gilmore, can I talk to you for a minute? R: Oh, okay. LOUISE: Tootles. MADELINE: Ta. PARIS: I'll get working on that dome. (All the students leave. Max leans on his desk and talks to Rory.) MAX: So, how are you? R: Fine. MAX: Seemed a little distracted today. R: Oh. I didn't sleep well last night. MAX: You've seemed to be a little distracted for quite a while now. R: My grades are fine. MAX: I'm not concerned about your grades. I'm concerned about you. Look Rory, I know that you've been going through kind of a tough time lately and I just want you to know, if you want to talk, I'm here. R: Tough time? MAX: Breakups are really hard. We've all been there. R: How do you know about that? MAX: Your mom told me. R: She what? MAX: Please, don't be upset at her. It just came out in one of our conversations. She was very concerned about you, very frustrated because. . R: You've been talking to my mom? MAX: Well yes. R: Since when? MAX: Its been a couple, 3 weeks now I guess. R: Are you dating? MAX: No, not really, I mean we were talking about possibly this weekend having dinner. You didn't know anything about this, did you? (Rory shakes head her head no) Well the look on your face makes perfect sense now. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spring this on you like this. R: Its fine, don't worry about it. MAX: I'm sure your mom was gonna tell you soon. R: I'm sure too. MAX: Okay, so . . R: Bus. MAX: Excuse me? R: If I don't go I'm gonna miss it. MAX: Right, go ahead. R: Thanks for the talk. MAX: Any time. (Rory leaves) CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (Lorelai is sitting at the counter. Clothes and bags are spread all over one of the tables.) L: Come on! LUKE (from off camera): I hate you, very much. L: Save the sweet talk for Rachel. Get out here! (Luke walks out from the back of the diner wearing some of the new clothes.) L: Excuse me sir, do you know where Luke is? LUKE: Very funny. L: Oh my God, Luke, is that you? LUKE: I feel ridiculous. L: That's because you don't have the belt on. (Takes the belt out of the bag and walks over to him.) Here. LUKE: What are you doing? L: Its called accessorizing. LUKE: I can put a belt on by myself, thank you. L: Okay, sorry. Hmm. LUKE: What? L: I just. . . LUKE: What? L: I just have exceptional taste is all. Turn around. LUKE: What? L: I just wanna make sure it all fits. Turn around. (Luke turns around.) Uh huh, uh huh. MAN AT COUNTER: Hey Fabio, I need the ketchup. LUKE: Can you get that guy some ketchup? L: Why me? LUKE: Because if I spill any stuff on this I won't be able to return it. L: You're not returning those clothes. LUKE: Oh yes I am. (Lorelai gives the man the ketchup. She picks up Luke's suit off the table and walks over to him.) L: Here, try on the suit again. LUKE: I already tried it on twice. L: I know, but I want to see it with the black shirt. LUKE: I'm not wearing a black suit with a black shirt. L: Regis does. LUKE: Okay, you've won me over now. L: At least try on the jacket again. (helps Luke put the jacket on) LUKE: This is how you like your guys, all GQ'ed up huh? L: Its not GQ'ed up, its just a little less casual. LUKE: And you don't like casual. L: I like casual fine. LUKE: Just not on me. L: No, it just adds variety. Its not lets make a new Luke, its lets see another side of the old one. LUKE: Uh huh. L: You missed a loop. Come here. (Starts fixing his belt) What did you do? (Rachel walks in the diner and stares at them. Luke looks up and sees her.) LUKE: Oh hi. (Lorelai looks up and sees Rachel.) L: Oh hi. Uh, this is not what it looks like. RACHEL: It looks like you're dressing him. L: Then this is exactly what it looks like. LUKE: There was a sale at Bloomingdale's and she. . L: Six trillion percent off. LUKE: How can you walk away from that, huh? (pause) I'm gonna change now. L: Good, uh, I'm gonna get Rory and just enjoy the clothes. LUKE: I will. L: Okay good. See you later Rachel. RACHEL: Bye. L: Bye (Lorelai leaves) LUKE: I'm gonna change. RACHEL: Okay. CUT TO BUS STOP (Lane is waiting by the bus stop, holding 2 cups of coffee. Rory gets off the bus and Lane walks over to her.) LANE: Hi. R: Hi. LANE: I thought you might like some coffee, since you always do. R: Thanks. LANE: So this feels very awkward. R: You know, I'm a big girl Lane. I don't need you to protect me from things. LANE: I just didn't want to make you any sadder than you already are. R: How is you telling me that Dean is your study partner gonna make me sadder? LANE: I don't even want to bring up his name around you. R: That's crazy. LANE: Have you seen your face when you mention Dean? R: My face is fine. LANE: Your face is not fine. Your face is far from fine. R: I'll get over it. LANE: Well you're not over it yet. R: Maybe I'd get over it a little quicker if everyone weren't so busy running around trying to protect me from all the bad scary things in the world. LANE: Fine, I won't protect you anymore. R: Great, glad to hear it. LANE: Next time we're walking down the street and you're about to walk head long into oncoming traffic, I'll just give you a little push. R: Exactly what I'm talking about. LANE: And in the spirit of not protecting you anymore, I was gonna tell you that I couldn't study tonight because I had bible class, but that's not true. I have to meet Dean again. R: Great. Thanks for the honesty. LANE: And I'll probably have to see him again this weekend because the project's due on Monday. R: Whatever. I don't care. I'll see you when I'll see you. LANE: Fine. R: Fine. LANE: Bye. (Lane walks away. Rory throws her coffee into a garbage can as Lorelai walks up. Rory starts walking down the sidewalk as Lorelai follows.) L: Hey, where's Lane going? R: Away. L: Okay, you've been in this mood for a week now and while I love the unexpected ups and downs of motherhood, I've got to say I'm tired of Goofus and I'd like my Gallant back. R: You can't just say a normal sentence right? Just 'Hey, lets talk' is too dull for you. (Lorelai grabs Rory's arm to stop her from walking.) L: Hey lets talk. R: About what? Oh wait I know. How about you and Mr. Medina? L: What? R: I've heard you've gotten back together again. L: Did you talk to Max? R: He had me stay after class today to talk about my difficult breakup situation. L: We are not dating. We had been talking and we just now decided to start dating. R: Why didn't you tell me you'd been talking? L: Because it was too much like the whole Todd and Nevina Cutler thing. R: The what? L: When I was in junior high, I had a boyfriend, Todd something or other. Not a soul mate, but I was crazy about him and he dumped me. I was completely crushed and I could do nothing except lie around and cry and listen to Air Supply, very low point in my life. Two days after the breakup my best friend Nevina Cutler got back together with her boyfriend, Randy something or other, who had dumped her days before Todd dumped me. And she was so happy and gloaty and couldn't stop talking about how great it was that she had her boyfriend back that it made me feel horrible. R: The end. Lets go. L: Look, I didn't want to be Nevina Cutler, okay? You were so miserable about Dean. What was I supposed to do? Walk in and say, 'Sorry about you and Dean but I got Max back and aren't we happy.' Would that have been good? R: That would've been great. L: I was going to tell you, okay? I just wanted to give you some space and a chance to come up for air. I was trying to protect you, that's all. Hey. (Rory walks away down the sidewalk. Lorelai follows her) R: You know, actually, it doesn't matter whether you tell me about Max or not because you're just gonna break up again anyway. L: Excuse me? R: Well that's what you do best. L: Hey, stop right there. R: You'll break up, cry, get back together, break up. It doesn't really matter. I'd rather not have to keep track, so tell me when you're down to the final inning. L: You know what, that is way too snotty a thing even for alternate universe Rory to say. I'd like an apology. R: Fine. I apologize. Let's go home. L: Yeah, lets go home and try that apology again. (Rory is heading home, but stops when she notices that Lorelai has stopped in front of the market.) R: What are you doing? L: We need light bulbs. R: We're fine. L: We're in the dark. It'll take a minute. I assume you won't come in. R: Is it Wednesday? L: No. R: Well then I can't, can I? L: What does Wednesday have to do with anything? R: Nothing. I'll meet you at home. (Rory walks down the sidewalk as Lorelai goes into the market.) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai walks in the front door carrying shopping bags.) LORELAI: Rory, I'm back for round two. I got some silly string in case things get really ugly. (Walks into kitchen) Rory? Where are you? (Walks into living room.) Rory? Answer please. Rory? CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Emily and Richard are in the front hallway, both dressed up. Emily is trying to tie Richard's bow tie.) RICHARD: This is the fourth ridiculous gathering you've dragged me to this week. EMILY: I'm the president of the board Richard, I have to be there. RICHARD: Saving the Berringiny pansy. Who ever heard of such a thing? EMILY: It's a very rare flower that is rapidly disappearing from the face of this earth. RICHARD: Well, who cares? EMILY: As president of the horticultural society, I have to care. RICHRAD: The last thing I need is to spend four hours being bored out of my skull by the same people I'll be bored out of my skull by tomorrow night at the symphony fund-raiser. EMILY: Which reminds me, we need to get your other tux back from the cleaners tomorrow. RICHARD: I'll be dead tomorrow. I plan on flinging myself off the roof tonight right in the middle of Pittie Salinger's opening speech. EMILY: Pittie Salinger is a dear friend and you will be nice to her. RICHARD: Pittie Salinger is a dipsomaniac. I'm going to bring my newspaper. (Richard goes to find the newspaper) EMILY: You will do no such thing. Richard, do you hear me? (Doorbell rings. Emily answers the door and finds Rory standing there.) EMILY: Rory! R: Hi Grandma. EMILY: Rory, is everything okay? R: Everything's fine. EMILY: Richard! Richard, pay the cab. RICHARD: Cab? Who took a cab? EMILY: Rory did. RICHARD: What's Rory doing here? Hello Rory. R: Hi. EMILY: I don't know what she's doing here. Just pay the man and I'll find out. RICHARD: For Pete's sake. (walks out to pay the cab driver) EMILY: Come inside. So tell me, what is going on? R: I had a fight with mom. EMILY: You had a fight with your mother? R: I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there. (Emily and Rory walk into the living room and sit on the couch.) EMILY: Out of your house? R: Out of that house, that town. Everything. I just had to go. (Richard walks into the living room) RICHARD: He tacked on an extra five dollars just for waiting. Feel like I'm back in Prague. Do you want a cocktail? R: No thanks. EMILY: Richard! RICHARD: Oh, sorry, sorry. I'm just a little confused here. R: You're all dressed up. You were going out. I'm so sorry! RICHARD: Oh, please, don't be. EMILY: It doesn't matter, Rory. R: I'm sorry. Please go out. I didn't mean to ruin your evening. Oh I didn't think! I should've called. EMILY: Now you calm down right now. You do not need to call before you come over here. You are welcome any time. RICHARD: Tonight especially. EMILY: Do you want to talk about what happened? RICHARD: Emily, don't pry. EMILY: I'm not prying, Richard. RICHARD: The girl obviously needs some peace. EMILY: How do you know that? RICHARD: I can tell. EMILY: Oh, you're a mind reader now, how nice. We'll get you a turban and a little booth by the train station. RORY: Would it be okay if I stay here tonight? EMILY: Oh, well, of course. RICHARD: You can stay here as long as you want. R: Thanks. EMILY: Would you like some dinner? I can get Rosa to make you something. RORY: No, I'd just like to go to bed if that's okay. EMILY: Of course. Whatever you like. Your room's all ready. There are pajamas in the dresser, and a new toothbrush in the bathroom. It's pink with sparkles. I thought you'd like it. R: Thanks. (Rory gives Emily a hug, then walks over to hug Richard.) Goodnight Grandpa. RICHARD: Goodnight Rory. (Rory starts to walk towards the stairs.) EMILY: (to Rory) Everything's going to be fine. (to Richard) Richard, say something encouraging. RICHARD: Uh Rory, I'm sorry you're upset, but I applaud your timing. R: See you tomorrow. (Rory goes up to her room.) RICHARD: Emily, what is all this about? EMILY: She had a fight with Lorelai. . . . . and she came here. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai is walking around the living room on the phone.) L: Mrs. Kim? It's Lorelai. Is Lane there? Well do you know where she is? Huh. That's unbelievable, you always know where she is. Um, the one time I need you to be crazy prison guard lady you're all, hey man whatever. Um, you know what, I will never be able to explain that to your satisfaction, so um could you just ask Lane to call me please when she gets back. I'm looking for Rory. No I don't know where she is. I uh. . don't "ha" me, you don't know where Lane is either. (Lorelai hangs up the phone) (Sookie walks in the front door) L: Anything? SOOKIE: Patty hasn't seen her but she's been working all day. She's not at the library, and she's not at Luke's. L: Where is she? Why didn't she leave a note? Dammit! SOOKIE: Honey calm down. L: But Rory doesn't take off. She knows it would make me crazy. She knows it would make me worry. I'm crossing over into panic now. SOOKIE: Don't cross. Come back. (There's a knock at the door. Max walks in.) MAX: Hey. L: Hey. MAX: You find her? L: No, nothing. No one's seen her. MAX: Okay, um, what about that old boyfriend of hers? L: Dean! Dean! SOOKIE: On my way. (Sookie leaves.) L: Good suggestion. You get crisis points. Max, I'm freaking out. MAX: Its gonna be okay. Sookie's here, I'm here. We will find her. (Phone rings. Lorelai runs into the living room to answer it.) L: Rory? EMILY: I just thought I should let you know that Rory is here with us. L: What? EMILY: She arrived a few minutes ago. L: She's there? Is she okay? EMILY: She's fine. She asked to spend the night. L: Okay, um, she's there with you. So how did she get there? EMILY: She took a cab. L: Well, let me talk to her. EMILY: She seems quite upset. She said you'd had a fight. L: We had a disagreement. EMILY: She said fight. L: Will you just put her on the phone please, Mom. EMILY: I think we should give her a little time to collect herself. L: Thank you for your input. Can I please talk to my daughter? EMILY: She went to her room Lorelai. L: Her room is here, Mom. I'm standing here looking at her room and she's not in it. EMILY: Lorelai, I did not come to your house and kidnap this child. She ran from you and she came here. She's tired and she's upset. Now I think we should just let her sleep and in the morning we can argue about how to best handle the situation. Maybe a little time away from each other will do both of you some good. L: I'll pick her up in the morning. EMILY: She has school tomorrow and her school is ten minutes from here. L: I'll pick her up after school. EMILY: Why don't you just call tomorrow when she gets back from school? Make sure she wants to go. You don't want to haul her back home just to have her jump in a cab again, do you? L: I'll talk to you tomorrow. EMILY: Good night Lorelai. (Lorelai hangs up the phone.) MAX: So? L: She's with my parents in Hartford. MAX: Good. L: Good? MAX: Bad? L: Bad, very bad. MAX: She's safe. L: She's with my mother. No one is safe with my mother. MAX: She needed some space. L: No, that house is not safe. It's like the Amityville Horror without all the good times. MAX: If it's that bad maybe you should go get her. L: No, she wanted to get away from me. She wants to be alone. Give her her space. (Lorelai walks into the kitchen. Max follows her.) MAX: Are you okay? L: I can't believe she left me to go there. We used to always be able to work this stuff out. MAX: What did you two fight about? L: Oh you. MAX: Me? L: Well it started with the you and the fact that I hadn't told her we were talking again, but I know that was only part of it because she's been in such a bad place lately with this whole Dean thing and so, I don't know, I guess it was coming. I just wish she hadn't run away. MAX: Hey, she will be back and you two will work everything out. L: You're good at the comforting thing, you know? MAX: Thank you. L: Do you want some coffee? MAX: Sure. Can I ask you a question? L: I think you've earned it. MAX: Why didn't you tell Rory about us? L: Oh, she was just so upset about Dean, I didn't think it was the best time to give her my happy news. MAX: Okay. But you've told other people? L: Like what other people? MAX: I don't know. Friends. Sookie. L: Um, no actually, I haven't. MAX: Any reason? L: Just hasn't come up. MAX: It hasn't? L: No. MAX: You're not by any chance avoiding talking to people about it are you? L: No, Max, come on. MAX: It just seems a little strange to me. L: Why is it strange? MAX: Well we've been talking for at least two weeks. I would've thought at some point in there it would've come up. L: You just don't say to people out of the blue, 'Hey, Max and I are talking again.' I mean, I was just waiting for it to come up naturally. MAX: Well yes, but somehow for me it managed to come up naturally within two days at three different times. L: Well you're obviously a much better people person than I am. MAX: I just want to know if there's a reason why you don't want people to know. . . L: Max! MAX: . . .then we should talk about that. L: There's no reason. MAX: Are you sure? L: Yes I'm sure. MAX: Okay. L: Do you believe me? MAX: If you said there's no reason, there's no reason. L: There's no reason. MAX: So you've said. L: So I mean. MAX: Okay. L: All right. MAX: That's fine. L: Uh, I should page Sookie and tell her that Rory's okay. MAX: That's a good idea. (Lorelai walks to the phone.) CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (Emily and Richard are at the breakfast table. Rory walks in.) R: Good morning. EMILY: Rory, good morning. R: Hey Grandma, any thoughts on where my skirt might be? EMILY: I gave it to Rosa to press. Here sit down, have some breakfast. Your skirt will be done by the time you're finished. R: Okay. EMILY: Now, we have eggs, fruit, toast, pancakes, blintzes. R: Anything would be fine. EMILY: Well, what do you usually eat? R: Mostly I just grab a Pop Tart. EMILY: That sounds delicious. I'll have Rosa whip one up for you. R: No, eggs would be great. EMILY: I'll go tell her. (Emily goes into the kitchen.) R: So Grandpa, what's new in the world today? RICHARD: As usual, it's going to hell in a hand basket. R: Its nice to have something you can always count on. RICHARD: It is at that. Would you like part of the paper? : Please. (Emily walks out of the kitchen and sits down.) EMILY: Your eggs will be right out. R: Thanks. EMILY: So did you sleep well? R: The bed was very comfortable. EMILY: But you didn't sleep well? R: No I did, I just. . . EMILY: I talked to your mother last night. I told her you were going to stay here. She said she'd call this afternoon. R: Was she mad? EMILY: She was concerned. (pause) So do you get your lunch at school or do you bring it with you? Because Rosa made a fabulous leg of lamb yesterday. I bet it'd make a wonderful sandwich. RICHARD: Take her up on that. It is good. And demand a slice of strudel. R: Okay. I demand some strudel. EMILY: Good. So what's going on at school today? R: Uh, I have a test in Spanish. RICHARD: Hmm. Are you prepared? R: Oh yeah. I like Spanish. Biology on the other hand . . . RICHARD: Oh, I'm still waiting for the day when my knowledge of the inner workings of a frog's intestinal system can be applied to my work in the insurance industry. R: Perhaps if you were insuring the frog. RICHARD: Ah. (The maid brings out Rory's breakfast.) R: Thank you. This looks great. EMILY: Well good. R: Thanks again for letting me stay. EMILY: It's nice having you here. You got your grandfather to put down his newspaper at the breakfast table. That's a first. RICHARD: Aw now, Emily. EMILY: Well it is. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER (Luke is behind the counter. Lorelai walks in and sits at the counter.) LUKE: Geez, what happened to you? L: A happy 'how do you do' to you too. LUKE: Sorry, you just look bad. L: Well I didn't get much sleep last night. LUKE: Why not? L: Rory and I had a fight and she ran away. LUKE: What! Where! Did you. . L: She's fine. She's at my mother's. LUKE: Geesh, throw that information in with the first part. You'll scare a person to death. L: You know, I got in my car three times to go get her. I drove halfway there and drove back, drove halfway there and drove back. I actually ran of gas driving halfway there and back. LUKE: She'll cool off and come home. L: I know. Just breaking up with Dean has been so hard on her. LUKE: Yeah. L: I just hate that she's going through this. I mean, she's such a good kid. She's so nice to everyone, she cares about everyone. And she's walking around in this unbelievable pain and there's nothing I can do about it. She still won't talk to me. She won't tell me what happened. LUKE: I'll tell you what happened. That Dean kid is a jerk and he finally let her know it. L: I wish I could just pinch his head right off. LUKE: I'll help. L: I warned him. I warned him when I first met him, if he hurt her . . Ah. Maybe I could key his car. LUKE: Or better yet, you can key Taylor's car and tell him Dean did it. L: Yeah. That'd be good. LUKE: You can key Taylor's car, tell him Dean did it and also tell him that Dean littered and walks his dog without a leash. L: He'll run him out of town. LUKE: Good. L: All right. I should go. Rory's probably out of school by now and I want to be home in case she decides to call. LUKE: Coffee's on the house. L: Oh thanks. (stands up to leave) Hey, is that the belt I bought you? LUKE: Oh yeah yeah yeah. The old one broke. L: Oh, lucky you happened to have a spare. LUKE: Yeah. Hey. She'll be home soon. (Lorelai nods in agreement and then leaves.) CUT TO MARKET (Lorelai stands in front of the market thinking about going inside, then walks away. She walks back, then walks away again. She walks back a third time and goes in. She walks over to Dean, who is stocking shelves, and taps him on the shoulder.) L: Got a minute? DEAN: Actually I'm, uh. . L: I just want to tell you that I think you are scum. DEAN: Gee thanks. L: You are gonna be hard pressed to find another girl as fantastic as Rory, you know that? She is beautiful and she is smart and she did not deserve to be treated that way by you. DEAN: Treated what way? L: I thought you were a good guy. I thought you were going to make her happy. I'm such an idiot that I actually thought you were a good pick. But I was wrong and I hate to be wrong. DEAN: You know, I am sick and tired of everyone blaming this thing on me. I mean, you and the whole stupid town looking at me like I'm a criminal. I say 'I love you' and she just sits there and I'm the jerk? I'm the bad guy? L: What? DEAN: You know what? Fine, think what you want, I don't care. Just leave me alone. (Lorelai leaves. Dean finishes stacking the shelf.) CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE (The doorbell rings. Emily answers the door and Lorelai walks in.) L: Where is she? EMILY: I thought you were gonna call. L: Where is she mom? EMILY: I haven't had any time to prepare her for this. L: Mom where is she? EMILY: Upstairs in her room. L: Thank you. (Lorelai walks up to Rory's room. Emily follows.) EMILY: She got home from school but she just went right upstairs. Now she didn't want a snack but I had Rosa make her one anyway. I haven't checked to see if she's eaten it. She had a decent breakfast this morning but she did seem a little tired and when I went into her bathroom the aspirin bottle was out so I assume she had a headache. Now I don't know if it was last night or. . L: Excuse me, Mr. Cosell. I appreciate the play by play but I just want to talk to my daughter now. EMILY: Do you want me to go in there with you? L: More than anything. EMILY: Well try and be nice. L: Thanks for the tip. CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM (Rory is lying on the bed. Lorelai walks through the door.) L: Hey. R: Mom! L: Okay, so I thought when you said, 'I'll see you at home,' you meant our home. My mistake. (Rory gets off the bed and walks over to hug Lorelai.) R: I'm so sorry. L: Its okay. R: All those things. . L: I know. R: And then the. . . L: Its no big deal R: I'm just so. . L: I know, I know, I know. So last time I saw you you were headed home, you wanna fill in the blanks? R: I don't know. I just snapped and I got sick of everything. I wanted to go anywhere. L: So you picked hell? R: It was the first place that came to mind. L: I respect that. Listen, the need to run is a feeling I am very well acquainted with. But we have to be able to talk always. No matter how mad or upset we get with each other our particular special thing only works if we agree to that, get it? R: I get it. L: Good. Rory, tell me what happened with you and Dean. R: I don't want to talk about it. L: Well I do. R: Why? L: Because I had a little chat with him today. R: What? Why? L: Well, because I was upset and I was in the mood to do a little yelling. R: You didn't. L: Did. R: No. L: There he was stacking cookies and I'm railing on him about what a great kid you are and how it sucked that he dumped you, and then he said that he told you he loved you and I started feeling a little stupid. R: He did tell me. L: And you didn't say anything? R: No. L: Well that must have been rough on him. R: He looked so hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt him. L: I know. R: I just got scared and I sat there. L: I understand. You know, I'm still learning this stuff too and since I'm still learning, I think I haven't thought enough about what I'm supposed to be teaching you. R: What are you talking about? L: I'm talking about my own personal lack of commitment skills. I mean, look, I love that you have my eyes and my coffee addiction and my taste in music and movies, but when it comes to love and relationships, I don't necessarily want you to be like me. I would hate to think that I raised a kid who couldn't say I love you. R: Mom. L: I'm not even talking specifically about Dean. I mean just generally in life. For example, say you're dating Taylor Hanson. R: Why am I dating Taylor Hanson? L: It's a hypothetical scenario, go with it. So, uh, you and Taylor have been seeing each other pretty regularly. . R: How did I meet Taylor Hanson? L: You went to his concert, you got backstage, your eyes met across the crowd and you've been seeing each other ever since. R: Hanson's still together? L: They're the new Bee Gees. So. . R: And why would you not stop me from going to a Hanson concert? L: Hey, someone's trying to make a point here. R: Sorry. Go ahead. L: So you and Taylor have been dating for awhile, and things are great, and, um, you're happy, and you feel all those crazy mushy things that people feel when they're in love. I want you to be able to say to him, Taylor, I love you. R: Okay, can we pick a new hypothetical 'cause this one's wigging me out. L: My point is that it's scary to be in love, that much I know, but it's also wonderful and special and if you can't say it or fully express it then you're never gonna be able to experience it and I want you to experience everything that's great because you're so great. Are you hearing me? R: Yeah, I'm hearing you. L: I'm not saying you say "I love you" at the drop of a hat. It has to be right and real and it has to take a lot of thought. But someday with someone it will be right. I want you to be ready for that moment when it happens. R: Are you ready for that moment when it happens? L: I'm working on it. I do however know what dress I'll be wearing. CUT TO FRONT HALL (Richard, Emily, Rory and Lorelai are standing in front of the door.) R: Thank you guys so much. EMILY: It was our pleasure. L: What do I owe you for the cab? RICHARD: Oh, don't worry about that. R: Thanks for sharing the paper. RICHARD: Anytime. L: And thank you mom. EMILY: Of course. She's our granddaughter. L: All right, we'll see you tomorrow night. EMILY: Seven o'clock. L: Oh really, is it seven 'cause I wasn't sure if. . EMILY: Goodbye Lorelai. L: Bye. (Rory and Lorelai leave.) RICHARD: Well it looks like it's just the two of us again. EMILY: I guess so. CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI'S JEEP R: I was almost tempted to see if she could make a Pop Tart. L: Wow, home cooked breakfast, homemade lunch, I'm trying to remember why I left there. Oh yeah, my parents. R: Funny, funny girl. (They drive by Lane's house.) Hey, let me out here. L: Oh okay. R: I'll meet you back at the house. L: Excuse me? R: I'll show up this time. L: I'll have the pizza waiting. (Rory knocks on the door of Lane's house. Lorelai watches from the Jeep as Rory and Lane hug. Lorelai drives off.) CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE (Lorelai walks in the front door and puts her purse on the hall table. She walks over to the phone, picks it up and dials a number. She picks up her address book and walks over and sits on the couch.) MAX: Hello? L: Now, I'm starting with the 'A's. So first up is Richie Andrews. He's either a second cousin on my mother's side or the guy who regrouted the bathroom. Either way, I think he's going to be thrilled to hear about us. MAX: Lorelai. . L: After I've called everyone in here, I'm going to makes sure to spread the word at the inn. MAX: Uh huh. L: I thought I'd put little notices in everyone's rooms: "Welcome to the Independence Inn. Max and Lorelai are back together." MAX: Can I see you after your dinner tomorrow night? L: Oh I don't know. I have a lot of phone calls to make. Ooh! The Internet! Let's go global! MAX: Good night Lorelai. L: Goodnight. (Lorelai hangs up with Max, then dials another number.) L: Hey! Richie, it's Lorelai. . .

Lorelai helps Luke shop for a birthday present for Rachel and goes wild outfitting him with a new wardrobe; overwhelmed by sadness at her breakup with Dean, Rory is distressed to discover that Lane and Dean have become science project partners, and incensed to find out from Max that Lorelai has neglected to mention that they are dating again, so she argues with Lorelai and then takes off for Hartford to spend the night at her grandparents' house without telling her mother; when an angry Lorelai confronts Dean and discovers the truth about his breakup with Rory, she fears that she has taught Rory not to commit to a relationship.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x02

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x02_0

FLASH IN. [VARIOUS EXT. LAST VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] CUE SONG: "Mad World", Gary Jules [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB -- NIGHT] (Men and women drink. One man smiles as he's flanked by two women - one woman busy kissing his neck.) (Across the room, a blonde-haired woman stares worriedly at her cell phone.) [EXT. STRIP - NIGHT] (Outside, a limo passes by. In the back seat of a car, a young Vietnamese man sits and watches the limo pass by. His face is bruised and there are tears staining his cheeks.) (The cab he's sitting in drives away.) [INT. TAXI POV] (The young man looks out the windows as the taxicab drives around the strip. The bright lights from passing motels and other establishments reflect back through the rolled-up window.) (The taxi driver's sweating.) (The young man in the back seat glances over at the taxi driver.) [START: SPLIT SCREEN] (Top half: [INT. CASINO] The man from the bar leaves with two women.) (Bottom half: [TAXI CAB] The taxi stops and parks. The driver engages the brakes and sees the young man leave.) Taxi Driver: Hey! Where's my money? (The young man turns around and yells back to the taxi driver.) Young Man: You wait here! (Top half: Cameras flash as photographers snap photos of the man walking through the casino; several women follow him.) (A young woman in red snaps a picture of the man walking by. He notices her and turns back to look at her as he passes.) Man: You want to come with us? (A man standing in the back glares at the man walking by.) (Bottom half: The taxi driver waits. The fare changes from 7.20 to 7.40. The taxi driver continues to wait.) (Top half: The blonde-girl in red turns to her friend standing next to her.) Tally Jordan (woman in red): Oh, my God. Come on. (The two head out, following the man.) (Bottom half: The taxi driver takes out his log and writes in it: 270 7888 OAKEY ST.) (Top half: The party has moved outside to the pool.) (Bottom half: The taxi driver continues to wait. The fare changes from 8.00 to (Top half: The blonde-haired woman in red and her friend are now sitting on either side of the famous dark-haired man. He pays her special attention. (Bottom half: The taxi driver continues to wait. The fare changes form 8.20 to FLASH CUT TO WHITE: END OF SPLIT SCREEN Cue Sound: GUNSHOT FADE IN FROM WHITE [EXT. 7888 OAKEY STREET - NIGHT] (Police cars with their flashing lights are at the site. Officers mill about the area.) (Camera moves into the car and we notice the fare is now at 24.00. The taxi driver is slumped forward against the driver's wheel, his eyes closed. We note the blood coating the shirt covering his right shoulder.) (Sara turns on her flashlight and looks at the driver's wound.) Sara: Gunshot wound to the neck. No visible GSR. (She looks up and notices the visor. She flips it down and sees the money.) Sara: Money on the visor. It wasn't a robbery. (Grissom is looking in the back of the cab.) Grissom: Dirt clods on the floor mat look undisturbed. Could be from the last fare. I don't see any shell casings, though. Sara: Partition's closed. Bullet-proof glass. He was not shot from inside. (Grissom walks around the cab as Sara snaps photos of the dead body.) (He sees the bullet holes in the passenger door.) Grissom: Well, I got two bullet holes in the passenger door. Sara: That's a weird side of the car for a drive-by. Grissom: Maybe he wasn't shot here. Maybe he just ended up here. (Grissom looks around the area. He sees the detective talking with someone in uniform. Grissom calls out to him.) Grissom: Excuse me? (The man from the Transit Board looks up.) Grissom: Are you with the Transit Board? MTB Rep: Yeah. Grissom: Do you have the dispatch log? (He hands the log to Grissom. From what we can see, the log shows: 270 2549 LAS VEGAS --- 270 465 LEXINGTON 10:01 270 3900 LAS VEGAS 10:45 1040 270 2112 WESTERN BL. 11:01 420 270 4500 W. TROPICANA 11:30 780 270 20 FREMONT 12:10 980 270 7888 OAKEY ST. 12:55. {BLANK} ) (Grissom hands the log back.) Grissom: Thanks. (Grissom turns and leaves.) MTB Rep: Why's he leaving? (Sara takes a photo, then puts her camera down to answer the man's question.) Sara: Well, that's kind of what he does. (Sara leans forward into the cab and notices the camera.) Sara: Is this camera always on? MTB Rep: Only on HBO. It takes stills for ten seconds when the door opens, and then for the first ten seconds of the fare. Sara: We're gonna need the pictures. (Grissom is walking away from the site and dialing his cell phone.) Catherine: (from phone) This is Catherine. Grissom: (to phone) It's Gil. How you doing? Catherine: (from phone) I'm busy. Checking up on me? Grissom: (to phone) Why would I need to do that? Catherine: (from phone) You tell me. Grissom: (to phone) Look, I know you tend to get a little territorial about your crime scenes, and I don't want there to be any tension between us, so I'm giving you fair warning. (Grissom stops when he sees the tire treadmarks on the asphalt.) Catherine: (from phone) Fair warning for what? (cc) You're at 7888 Oakey Street. Am I right? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT] (Catherine is kneeling down next to a dead body in the parking lot.) Grissom: (from phone) Hi. (She looks up and sees Grissom. He smiles and waves his cell phone at her.) (Jaw dropped open, Catherine closes her cell phone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. -- NIGHT] (Julian Harper's dead body rests against the cushions as Robbins takes his liver temperature. Warrick snaps photos of the body.) Robbins: Julian Harper. If it weren't for the cyanosis, I'd say he was doing a photo shoot for GQ. Warrick: Yeah, I'm sure he wasn't ready for this photo shoot. Robbins: Body temp's 95. (Warrick snaps more photos. Robbins glances at his watch.) Robbins: That would make TOD approximately 3:00 A.M. (Warrick snaps photos of the bedside table with a couple of champagne bottles, a hotel room VIP card key, a rolled-up bill and some white powder on the black tabletop.) Warrick: Well, there's plenty of drugs around here. You think he OD'd? (Robbins checks the victim's mouth and eyes.) Robbins: Yeah, no edema. Some petechia. Could be suffocation or strangulation. But no ligature marks or bruising. However ... (Camera zooms in for an extreme close-up of black fibers on the victim's neck.) Robbins: ... some fibers under the chin. (Robbins puts the sample in a bindle. Warrick continues snapping photos.) (Robbins takes a digital camera out.) Warrick: What are you doing? Robbins: It's for my scrapbook. I've got a perfect spot for him -- a place of honor between Tupac and Entwhistle. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MOTEL PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (Close-up of the victim, his head in a pool of blood. Grissom and Catherine kneel down next to the body. Catherine snaps photos of the victim.) Grissom: The taxi's last drop-off was this address. This guy's got dirt on his shoes and pants. There was dirt in the cab. He's got to be the last fare. Catherine: So, somebody killed them both. And if it's about money, doesn't look like this guy has much. Grissom: Well, I guess it's relative. START: SPLIT SCREEN (Top screen: Robbins raises the digital camera to snap a photo of Julian Harper.) (Bottom screen: Catherine raises her camera to snap a photo of the victim.) Grissom: It depends on who you are. WHITE CAMERA FLASH TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MOTEL PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (Catherine checks out the victim's identification.) Willows: Samay ... Samay Thao. 15527 East Charleston Road. That's a long way from here. (Grissom notes the wounds on the victim's chest.) Grissom: I count six shots in his chest. There were two in the cab, one in the cabbie. If the math is correct, that's nine. Catherine: Suggests semi-automatic, but I don't see any shell casings here. Grissom: Yeah, there were none in the taxi, either. Catherine: Killer could have picked them up. Grissom: To shoot a guy six times in the torso, you either have to be very close, or a hell of a shot. David Phillips: It's okay if I roll him? Grissom: Yeah. (David rolls the body onto its side and pushes up the shirt as Catherine snaps more photos of the victim's wounds.) David Phillips: Well, no through-and-throughs. We should be able to recover some bullets from the body. Grissom: Hang on. (points) What do you make of that? (He points to the markings on the victim's bloodstained shirt.) David Phillips: Looks like he rubbed up against something. (Catherine looks around.) Catherine: Could be transfer from that railing. There's some paint flaked off of that railing. (Grissom turns and looks at the railing on the second floor.) (Quick flash of: Samay Thao is on the second floor. Someone uses a semi-automatic weapon and shoots Samay Thao. The impact form the bullets pushes him up and over the railing.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) (Grissom and Catherine make their way down the second floor hallway. Grissom checks the concrete floor along the way and finds a lot of blood spatter.) Grissom: We got blood drops. (Catherine looks over at the metal gate. Grissom looks down over the railing at the body below.) (Catherine sees metal cut.) Catherine: Gil. This looks fresh. Grissom: Hey, Brass? SHORT CUT TO: (An officer kicks the door in and rushes into the apartment. A second officer and Brass follow. A man sitting on the floor starts shouting in Laotian.) Brass: Las Vegas Police! Put the gun down! Keo Vipraxay: (shouting in Laotian) Brass: (firmly) Put the gun down! (softer) Put it down. (The man puts the gun down. Immediately, officers push him to the floor and handcuff his hands behind his back.) Keo Vipraxay: (shouting in Laotian) (then, in English) I shoot ... burglar! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. PALMS HOTEL - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (Nick and Warrick stand at the base of the bed looking down at the body as they both put on a pair of gloves.) Nick: Julian Harper. (Warrick nods.) Nick: Wasn't he supposed to be like, uh ... (very quietly) the next Brad Pitt or something? Warrick: Yeah. Now he's the next River Phoenix. (Warrick turns as he looks around and walks into the next room where Sofia Curtis is interviewing Gerald, also known as "Blinky". He stops and stands next to her.) Sofia Curtis: All right, Gerald. Blinky (Gerald Allison): Uh, they call me Blinky. Sofia Curtis: And what was your relation to Julian Harper? Blinky (Gerald Allison): Best friends since kindergarten. Now I work for him. Sofia Curtis: What did you do for him? Blinky (Gerald Allison): Pretty much everything. You know, bought his stuff, hooked him up. Drove him to meetings. Warrick: Did you find the body? Blinky (Gerald Allison): I ordered room service. I wanted to see if he was hungry. Boom, there he was. Warrick: Did you touch or move the body in any way? Blinky (Gerald Allison): Uh, no way. No. I watch those murder shows, you know? I know to just keep my hands to myself, and, uh, call the cops. Sofia Curtis: What is with the robe? (Warrick looks at the officer standing nearby.) Warrick: Did you pat him down? Officer: He's packing a small, friendly weapon. Warrick: Would you mind standing up for us, sir? Blinky (Gerald Allison): Nah, bro, I-I-I ... kind of got the angle of the dangle going. The boing, boing, boing. Sofia Curtis: Stand up. (Uncomfortable and awkward, Blinky stands up.) Blinky (Gerald Allison): I, uh, took a Prevalis on the plane over. I been pitching a tent for, like, eight hours. Yeah, I-I think I need to consult a physician. Sofia Curtis: It's called a priapism. Just in case you were wondering. Warrick: What else are you on, man? Blinky (Gerald Allison): Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, uh, I smoked a little herb at the club, but that's it. Warrick: What about Julian? Blinky (Gerald Allison): Oh, Jules? Oh, no, he, uh ... he won't even take aspirin. You know, he's organic. You know, treats his body like a temple. Sofia Curtis: Well, we're gonna need a list of everyone who was here worshipping the temple. (She hands him her notebook and pen.) Blinky (Gerald Allison): Can I sit down? Sofia Curtis: Yeah. (In the background, we hear the shower water running.) Warrick: Did someone turn a shower on or something? Sofia Curtis: You cleared that room, right? (The officer takes out his gun and heads for the bathroom.) (Warrick and Sofia both follow. They both draw their weapons as they head into the bathroom.) (In the shower, a young woman in her underwear is on the floor in a fetal position.) Warrick: Hey! Are you okay? (Warrick tries to help her sit up. She immediately throws up.) Sofia Curtis: (calls out) Hey! We need a medic! (The young woman continues throwing up.) Warrick: And a bag for stomach contents. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MOTEL - HALLWAY OUTSIDE APARTMENT -- NIGHT] (The officer escorts Keo Vipraxay out of the room. They head downstairs past Catherine and Grissom. Brass steps out of the room.) Brass: His name is Keo Vipraxay. He barely speaks English. He's south Asian, I think. Anyway, it's all clear. Catherine: Thanks, Jim. (Grissom and Catherine enter the room.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [EXT. MOTEL - APARTMENT -- NIGHT] (Catherine looks at the end of the shot.) Catherine: Double *** buck. Standard shot is nine pellets. Grissom: That would account for all the hits. Catherine: So you're saying that a single shotgun blast, through a security door, took out two separate victims in two separate locations? Grissom: Weird, huh? (Quick flash of: [NIGHT] The cab pulls up.) Grissom: (V.O.) The cab drops Samay Thao in front of this building. (Cut to: The cab door slams shut and Samay Thao heads toward the building.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) (Grissom stands in front of the door as Catherine turns the laser on through the small hole cut in the wire door. A red dot appears on Grissom's chest.) Grissom: And the position of the blood drops gives us a pretty good idea of where Samay was standing when he was shot. He was a little shorter than me. (Catherine adjusts the laser light.) Catherine: Shots were centered on his chest, about there. (Quick CGI visual image: A blue light visualization of Samay Thao stands outside the door near the railing. He's shot and the image vanishes, leaving just the red laser pointing in the direction of the shot.) Grissom: My guess is, the cab was parked down there. (Grissom points behind him.) (Quick CGI visual image: A blue light visualization of the taxicab down on the parking lot. A gunshot fires and the taxi takes off.) Grissom: The driver peeled out when he got shot. (End of CGI visual image. Resume to present.) (Catherine takes out a measuring device and places it on the laser.) Catherine: Vertical deflection down to the cab is roughly 60 degrees. Standard shot won't spread that far. Grissom: The pellets must have come through the screen. (Quick flash of: Keo Vipraxay raises the gun and fires. The pellets go through the screen, then hit Samay Thao in the chest. Some of the pellets miss him and go on to hit the taxi driver.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Grissom: The old billiard ball effect. Catherine: The cab driver was collateral damage. Catherine: Okay, but the man with the shotgun said he shot a burglar. What's here to steal? [START: SPLIT SCREEN] (Bottom half: Grissom looks around the room and notes the various items in the sparsely furnished room.) (Top half) [INT. PALMS HOTEL - HOTEL ROOM - DAY] (Nick puts on his protective eye gear and turns on the ALS.) Nick: Semen on the bed sheets, as well as every other flat surface in here. Warrick: (chuckles) Yeah. I've got vodka, champagne, cocaine ... Nick: Hey, hey. Pantyhose. [END: SPLIT SCREEN] (Nick picks up the pantyhose. Warrick pushes the curtains aside and lets the light into the room.) (He looks at the glass windows.) Warrick: I've got some smudges over here. (Nick steps up to the window and looks at it. Warrick kneels down to look at the floor.) Warrick: I've got some footprints. (Warrick looks at the footprints and visualizes a body standing in front of the window. End visualization.) Warrick: I think someone was standing right there. Nick: Was this guy just doing it all over the hotel room? (Quick flash of: Julian Harper presses a woman flush up against the window glass as he kisses her neck. They're both laughing. End of flash.) Warrick: If those are his footprints ... where are hers? Nick: Or her feet were up ... in the air. You tell me -- you just had your honeymoon. Warrick: You want to swab this? (Warrick hands Nick a swab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BAR -- DAY] (Sofia Curtis interviews Eva, Julian's ex-wife, as she nurses her drink at the bar.) Eva: I just don't understand. I mean, who would want to kill Julian? I mean, he'd had some weird fan mail, but I don't think any of those kinds of people would be able to get in his suite. Sofia Curtis: Were you in his suite? Eva: The ex-wife isn't exactly the best person to have around when you're looking to get laid. Sofia Curtis: Was that your choice or his? Eva: It was mutual. I'm strictly his manager now. Sofia Curtis: So if you weren't in his suite, where did you go? Eva: I was taking care of business. Checked the boys in, made sure the suite was copasetic, had a drink at Skin, and played Pai Gow until hotel security came to get me. Sofia Curtis: So how did you get to be his manager? Eva: When I was with him, he was broke. Then after the divorce, I still ... did his laundry, paid his bills, read his scripts. After a while, I wanted to get paid. Now I get ten percent of everything. Look ... I need to make some calls. Julian's parents, the studio ... can we talk about this later? Sofia Curtis: Sure. But I need your prints and your DNA now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins reports his findings to Warrick.) Robbins: Tox shows low levels of cocaine, alcohol and Prevalis. Rules out overdose. Warrick: Really? I guess he was just acting about the clean-living part. COD? Robbins: Asphyxia. Warrick: Asphyxiated how? Robbins: I don't know. No broken hyoid. That and the absence of ligature marks or bruises makes strangulation unlikely. Warrick: Did you find any fibers in his nose or mouth? Robbins: Nope. Warrick: That doesn't rule out suffocation. Killer could have used something that didn't shed fibers. Robbins: Or maybe they came from whoever he was rolling around with in bed. Found, uh, lubricant on his genitals, probably from a condom, and minor abrasions on his pen1s, indicative of vigorous, prolonged activity. Warrick: s*x, drugs and movies: the American Dream. Robbins: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERICAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [CGI EFFECTS: STOMACH CONTENTS DRAINED] [INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY] (Warrick and Sofia Curtis interview Kate, the young woman found in Julian Harper's bathroom shower.) Warrick: Your stomach contents contain alcohol and traces of Triazolam. Katie: Try-as-a-what? Warrick: It's a sleeping pill, has you reading the inside of your eyelids for a week. Katie: I didn't take any pills. Warrick: We also found cocaine in your bloodstream. I guess you didn't take that, either? (She shrugs and rolls her eyes.) Katie: So I did a couple of lines, but I didn't take any pills. If I was gonna take a pill, I would've popped e or a perc. Sofia Curtis: Miss Villa, we found you in Julian Harper's suite. Were you ever in his bedroom? Katie: (shrugs) Who knows? I don't even know how I ended up in Blinky's room. (groans) Oh, my ... I swear, if that guy slipped me something ... Sofia Curtis: Tell us what you do remember. Katie: Um ... me and my girls were at Skin, and, uh ... Blinky came over and said he was partying with Julian Harper. (Quick flash of: Julian Harper and the woman in red are in the pimpy booth kissing.) Katie: (V.O.) And he said they had this pimpy booth, so we went over. It didn't turn out the way I hoped. (Kate turns around and sees them. Blinky is sitting next to her and offers her a drink. She reaches for the drink.) (End of flash.) Katie: And the next thing I know, Blinky's on top of me. Sofia Curtis: We could assist you in reporting a date rape. (She shakes her head.) Katie: Thanks, but no. Warrick: It's not an offer, it's our job. Katie: There's this Stuff Magazine party at Ghost Bar tonight. I'm not gonna make it harder for me to get in because I tattled on Julian Harper's best friend. I mean, if I run into them tonight ... Warrick: Julian Harper will not be there. Katie: Trust me, he will. Warrick: The coroner finished the autopsy early this morning. Katie: He's dead? Sofia Curtis: Yeah. Katie: I was in Julian Harper's suite when he died? You're kidding me, right? Sofia Curtis: And being in his suite makes you a suspect. Katie: I am? Warrick: Yes. So we're going to need to take a sample of your DNA. Katie: Oh, man. (She thinks about it and starts to smile.) Katie: I am so getting into that party tonight for sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. - DAY] (Sara interviews a convenience store owner.) Store Owner: Yeah, I remember that guy. He's, like, Chinese or something, real spun out. Sara: He was on meth? Store Owner: Well, he was on something. He was acting all shady. Downed a bottle of soda before he even paid for it. Sara: And that's how you knew he was on something? Store Owner: There ain't nothin' out here. People here act messed up because they are messed up. Sara: The Metro Transit Board said that he caught a Sunstar taxi from this address. Store Owner: I called it for him. Anything to get that tweaker out of here. Sara: Any idea how he got here in the first place? Store Owner: All I saw him do was walk through the door. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Robbins shares his findings with Catherine.) Robbins: Samay Thao. I don't even need to open him up to guess COD. (Robbins checks the victim's eyes.) Robbins: Ocular inflammation. Laceration of the sclera. Hurts like hell when you get a grain of sand in your eye. Imagine this. (He takes a piece of glass out from the victim's eye.) Robbins: Bad night for Laotians. Catherine: What other Laotians are having a bad night? (Cut to: Robbins pulls out one of the tables from the morgue.) Robbins: Solo traffic collision on Mount Charleston. Came in early this morning. Noy Vipraxay. Catherine: Vipraxay? Well, that's a hell of a coincidence. Robbins: Does it mean something to you? Catherine: Yeah, he's got the same last name as the guy who shot him. In fact, Grissom said that our vic over there caught a cab at a gas station near Mount Charleston. I'll have Auto Detail bring in his car. Robbins: Sounds like your double's becoming a triple. Catherine: Unless you got any more in your drawers? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - DAY] (Nick walks into the lab; Archie is standing in front of the computer.) Nick: Hey, Archie. See if you can help me out. There was a smear on the window at the hotel. It came back saliva. So I ran it through CODIS, got a hit--felony battery on this guy, Willie Angel. (Nick hands Archie a photo of Willie Angel.) Nick: Now, he's a Las Vegas resident, but he wasn't a registered guest at the hotel. He has no affiliation with Julian's little entourage whatsoever. Archie: I think I scoped this guy earlier. Nick: Really? Archie: Yeah. Nick: Do it up. (On the monitor in front of Archie, we see that he has the security video from the hotel elevator cued up. He goes through the video and finds Willie Angel.) Archie: Yeah, there he is. Nick: Mm-hmm. Archie: (chuckles) Looking dapper. All right. (He runs the tape and notes the time when Willie Angel steps off the elevator.) Archie: 12:31 A.M. Gets off on the high-roller floor. (He runs the tape and notes the time on ELEVATOR 3 CAM when Willie Angel steps back into the elevator - this time carrying a shopping bag with him.) Archie: Hey, 2:45 A.M. Nick: Shopping bags? There's no mall on that floor. He was shopping at Julian Harper's. Archie: Enough time to shop and kill. Nick: (sighs) The Palms issued two card keys -- one to Julian, and one to his boy Blinky. But the database shows ... one, two ... three keys were used to access the suite? Archie: Well, assuming the third card was Willie's. You can't just walk up to the front desk and pull the "I lost my key" scam on a VIP suite. Nick: So ... how'd Willie get it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - DAY] (Catherine walks into the lab and finds Hodges yawning.) Catherine: Hi. Hodges: (yawning) Sorry. I just started seeing someone. Had a bit of a late night. Let me ask you something. How do you know when it's gone from just friends to more than? Catherine: Well, if you have to ask, it's just friends. Hodges: She is making dinner for me this weekend. Catherine: Are you the only guest? Hodges: Do her roommates count? (Catherine doesn't say anything, but he catches her look. He turns reports.) Hodges: The splinter from your vic's eye has four distinct layers: polycarbonate plastic, aluminum, acrylic and dye. Being an audiophile, I prefer the sound of vinyl. Catherine: It's from a compact disc? Well, how did it end up in Samay Thao's eye? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (Catherine walks into the garage. Grissom is already there with a smashed-up car.) Catherine: Noy Vipraxay's car. Grissom: Easy for you to say. (Catherine reaches for a coat and puts it on.) Catherine: Find anything? Grissom: Take a look at this. Gravitational pooling directly under the steering wheel. (Inside the car, there's a large amount of blood on the steering wheel and a big pool of blood on the floor.) (Quick flash to: The car is at the bottom of the hill.) Catherine: (V.O.) The car was found at the bottom of a steep incline. (End of flash. Resume to present.) Catherine: So he was leaning over it when he bled out. Grissom: Except he wasn't. Take a look. See this? (He shines the flashlight on the crime scene photo he has out on the roof of the car. It shows Samay leaning against the driver's window.) Grissom: (cc) These were taken at the crash site. (audio) If he'd have bled out in the position he was found, there'd be blood on the door, not under the steering wheel. (He points to the door in the photo. Catherine turns and looks at the bloodless car door behind her.) Catherine: So someone moved the body? Grissom: There was plenty of mud at the scene, and Samay had mud on his pants. Now, maybe we can match soil samples. (Catherine looks at the CD player in the car.) Catherine: Hang on. (In the CD player is a broken CD. Catherine reaches in and removes the disk.) Catherine: Trace came back on the splinter that was in Samay's eye. It was a CD fragment. Samay was in this car. Sara: (o.s.) Hey, guys. (Sara walks into the garage. She's reading an open file folder.) Sara: I got work card hits off prints from the two dead Laotians and the shooter. Grissom: We already know their IDs. Sara: Well, did you already know that they all worked together? [SCENE_BREAK] [VARIOUS CUTS OF WORKERS AT A LAUNDRY BUSINESS] [INT. LAUNDRY BUSINESS -- DAY] (Brass interviews Joe Cavanaugh, the owner of the laundry business.) Brass: So Samay Thao worked for you? Joe Cavanaugh: Yeah, runs the dryers. Brass: When was the last time you saw him? Joe Cavanaugh: He's been off a couple days now. Brass: Did you know, uh, Noy or Keo Vipraxay? Joe Cavanaugh: Sure. They work here, too. Brass: They brothers or cousins, or what? Joe Cavanaugh: Brothers. Keo's older. I hear they got six more back in Laos. They work swing -- they're on at 4:00. Brass: Were they friends of Samay's? Joe Cavanaugh: No! No way. Keo and Noy are Lao Loum. They're lowlanders. Samay's Hmong; he's in the hills. They're born to hate each other. Some tribal crap. What kind of trouble are they in? Brass: The kind where you stop breathing. Noy's dead -- car accident. Samay's dead, too -- Keo shot him. (Joe Cavanaugh turns and sees one of the workers lighting a cigarette. He starts shouting to him in Lao.) Joe Cavanaugh: (shouts) (untranslated Lao) (The worker turns and quickly puts the cigarette out.) Joe Cavanaugh: (shouts) (untranslated Lao) (The worker goes back to work.) Brass: You speak Lao? Joe Cavanaugh: And Thai, Vietnamese, Tagalog. I pulled a stint straight out of high school. I got southeast Asia; lucky me. Brass: Yeah, I know how you feel. Joe Cavanaugh: Did Keo tell you what happened? I mean, his English isn't very good. (Brass looks at his watch.) Brass: No, we're, uh, we're still waiting on an interpreter. Joe Cavanaugh: If you need any help, you let me know. Brass: Yeah, maybe ... maybe I'll take you up on that. (The owner turns and walks away.) Joe Cavanaugh: (shouts) (untranslated Lao) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOTEL - KITCHENS / CASINO] (On one floor, the kitchen workers are busy cleaning the dishes. Camera continues upward. On the next floor, the chefs are busy preparing meals. Camera continues upward. On the floor above that is the casino main floor.) (Sofia Curtis walks up to Willie Angel, who is playing a slot machine. Nick and a couple of officers follow her.) Sofia Curtis: Willie Angel? (He doesn't answer her.) Sofia Curtis: You can't fool the eye in the sky, Willie. There's a lot of people looking for you. Willie Angel: Okay, you got me. What do you want? (She motions to the officer and they step closer to Willie, who stands up.) Willie Angel: Hey, what are you doing? (They start to search his pockets.) Willie Angel: Hey, you can't do that. (She holds out the warrant.) Sofia Curtis: Oh, this here says we can. (The officer finds in one pocket that Willie has a card reader. He hands it to Nick.) Nick: Ho-ho-ho! Slick Willie. Look out now. (Sofia reaches into Willie's other pocket and takes out a handful of cards.) Sofia Curtis: You collect card keys, Willie? Willie Angel: I won at those places. Sofia Curtis: Really? Willie Angel: I hang on to them for good luck. Nick: Well, I bet you're real lucky with this cheap magnetic stripe reader and palm top, huh? (to Sofia) You know you can get into most hotel rooms in the city with this thing? (Quick flash to: Willie stands in the casino behind one of the large machines and punches the information into the stripe reader. He swipes the card.) Nick: (V.O.) You take the old card key, you input the room number, a little magnetic encoding ... (Quick CGI POV: The machine puts the information on the new card.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Nick: ... and Bob's your uncle. [SCENE_BREAK] [FLASHBACK] (Willie swipes the card into the security lock. He opens the room door.) Nick: (V.O.) You used the card to open the door. You get into his suite and hide. (Willie hides behind the curtain, against the window.) Nick: (V.O.) Julian comes back - (cc) drops his wallet and takes off his watch - (audio) he falls asleep. (Willie steps out from his hiding place and starts picking up the things off the bedside table.) Nick: (V.O.) You rob him blind. (Julian Harper stirs.) Nick: (V.O.) But he wakes up. So it's kill him or go back to jail. (Julian Harper sits up in bed and sees Willie Angel.) Julian Harper: What the ... ? Who the hell are you? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (With a hand to his forehead, Willie's eyes are closed.) Willie Angel: Stop, okay? Just stop. (He looks at Nick and Sofia sitting across the table from him.) Willie Angel: I was in his suite. And, yeah, I'm a thief. But I didn't kill anybody. Nick: You were in his suite for over two hours, man. That's more than enough time to snag a couple shopping bags. Willie Angel: 'Cause that sick, rich freak wasn't going to sleep. He was banging some blonde for, like, two hours. (Quick flash of: Willie is stuck in his hiding place while Julian and the blonde-haired woman are on the bed. He shakes his head. End of flash.) Willie Angel: Talk to her. Sofia Curtis: We're talking to you. Willie Angel: (sighs) I don't know what the hell they were doing, but when she left, he wasn't moving. I thought he was asleep. Then I saw the news this morning. If it's a killer you're looking for, talk to the girl in the red dress. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Brass interviews Keo Vipraxay.) Brass: We believe that Samay Thao killed your brother and tried to make it look like an accident. (He looks across the table at Joe Cavanaugh and nods. He starts translating.) Joe Cavanaugh: (in Lao) (untranslated) (When he's finished, he turns and looks at Brass.) Brass: Did you know about it? Joe Cavanaugh: (in Lao) (untranslated) Keo Vipraxay: (in Lao) (untranslated) (Brass watches Joe Cavanaugh translate.) Joe Cavanaugh: (in Lao) (untranslated) Keo Vipraxay: (in Lao) (untranslated) (He looks at Brass.) Keo Vipraxay: (in Lao) (untranslated) Joe Cavanaugh: He says he thought Samay was there to rob him. That's why he shot him. [SCENE_BREAK] [ELEVATOR 3 CAM] (At 12:56, Julian Harper is holding the woman in the red dress. Also in the elevator is Blinky with two other women. The elevator stops and everyone gets off the elevator) [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Camera pans out and we find Archie, Nick and Warrick going over the security camera footage.) Archie Johnson: The girl in the red dress gets off with Julian's entourage at (He shows footage of the girl in the red dress entering the elevator.) Archie Johnson: Then gets back on at 2:33. Nick: Certainly looks like she's been through something rough. (Archie sees something and smiles.) Archie Johnson: She forgot her pantyhose. (He enhances the focus on the girl's legs.) Nick: Good eyes. Archie Johnson: Great legs. Warrick: Been a while, Arch? Nick: Can you follow her out? Archie Johnson: Yeah. I just got this footage ... (Archie goes to work as Greg walks into the lab.) Greg: Hey, I heard you guys are having trouble with the Julian Harper case. Warrick: Who'd you hear that from? Greg: Ecklie. He's putting me on it. Nick: Man, you gotta quit kissing his ass. (Warrick chuckles.) Archie Johnson: All right, fellas, check this out. (Archie finds the footage of the casino floor and they watch as the girl in the red dress steps out of the elevator.) (Eva runs out of the elevator and catches up with the girl in the red dress.) Warrick: Okay, that's Julian's manager. (They watch as Eva puts some money in the girl's hand. Eva leaves.) Archie Johnson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. (Archie rewinds the footage. They watch as Eva takes some money out of her back pocket and gives it to the girl in the red dress.) (Archie enhances their hands.) Nick: That's got to be at least a few G's. Greg: She a hooker? Warrick: I don't know. I think she could be the killer. Nick: Solicitation murder? Manager pays to have her client whacked. (Archie follows the cameras and they watch as the girl in the red dress goes to the bag shop.) Archie Johnson: She went shopping. Warrick: Wait a minute. What kind of hired killer takes their payoff and goes to the mall? Archie Johnson: I don't know. (Archie fast-forwards, freezes and enhances the girl in the red dress as she fills out the form.) Archie Johnson: This one put herself on a mailing list. (reads) Tally Jordan. There's the phone number. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM 1] (Warrick interviews Tally Jordan.) Tally Jordan: You call my cell, I answer, and we talk. And then you guys show up and arrest me at the pool, in front of my friends. Is that fair? Warrick: You left Julian Harper's room at 2:33. A couple of minutes later, you're taking money from his manager. Tally Jordan: I'm not a prostitute. Warrick: Couple hours later, Julian's dead. Tally Jordan: Okay, this is crazy. I would never even think of killing Julian Harper. I've been a fan of his since he was doing cereal commercials. Warrick: Oh, so you stalked him? Is that it? And then you killed him? Tally Jordan: I'm in Vegas for a speech tournament - (off their skeptical look) -- Okay, a school-supervised trip. Does that mean that my school is stalking him, too? Warrick: Is the club Skin on your school schedule? Tally Jordan: When I found out that Julian was going to be in Vegas at the same time I was, I freaked. Okay, I wanted a look, an autograph, or a picture at most. And what I got was incredible. (Quick flash of: Tally turns and looks at the blonde-haired woman next to her.) Blonde Woman: Go for it. You're the one he wants. (Tally turns and kisses Julian Harper.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Tally Jordan: It was like I was in one of his movies. Until he kicked me out of bed and ... and then I get off the elevator, and there's his manager handing me a wad of money. (Camera swings over to the next interview room.) [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM 2] (Sofia interviews Eva.) Eva: I tip all the girls Julian's with. Sofia Curtis: So you're his pimp? Eva: It keeps them from running their mouths. It protects Julian's image. It's just a part of managing his career. [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM 1] Tally Jordan: I had s*x with Julian because I wanted to. Warrick: But you took the money, and you bought a purse with it. (Warrick indicates the purse on the table in front of her.) [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM 2] Sofia Curtis: I had a conversation with Julian's lawyer. And he said you weren't only his ex-wife, you were about to be his ex-manager. That piss you off? Eva: His lawyers and his agents don't like me. They pressured him to drop me. But Julian and I are family. That wasn't going to happen. [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM 1] Tally Jordan: Eva said if anyone asked, Julian was a gentleman. Later he took me out and got me a Katherine Baumann purse. It's a much better story to tell my friends. [SCENE_BREAK] [CRIME SCENE PHOTOS] (Various photos of the two crime scenes.) Grissom: (o.s.) Samay and Noy go for a drive after work. (Quick flash to: [NIGHT] The car is parked.) Grissom: (V.O.) They stop at Mount Charleston. (The two men are talking in the car when Samay grabs Noy and smashes his head hard against the steering wheel several times.) Grissom: (V.O.) Samay kills Noy ... (Noy struggles and smashes the CD; a piece of it gets into Samay's eye. He groans with pain.) (He turns, grabs Noy and continues to smash his head against the steering wheel.) Grissom: (V.O.) ... and makes it look like an accident. (Cut to: [NIGHT] The car is off the steep hill.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) [INT. CSI - LAB] (Grissom, Catherine and Sara are looking at the photos from the various crime scenes.) Grissom: And then he goes to Keo's apartment and Keo shoots him, claiming self-defense. Catherine: I don't buy it. Keo shot him from the other side of a locked door. He was waiting to blow the guy away. Grissom: Which indicates that Keo knew Samay was coming. Sara: Maybe he hired Samay to kill his brother, and then he decided to cut him out of the deal. Noy had a life insurance policy issued through his union, worth ten grand. Catherine: Life's getting cheaper. Who's the beneficiary? Sara: Keo was the primary, but check this out. Half the payout goes to Joe Cavanaugh. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE] (Brass, Grissom and the interpreter review the tape of Joe Cavanaugh "interpreting" for Keo.) Joe Cavanaugh: (in Lao) (untranslated) Brass: He's not a court-approved translator. That's why I taped it. I just didn't tell him. Interpeter: So far, he's saying what you asked him. (The time/date stamp on the recording is: 5:33 PM (The interpreter translates.) Interpeter: "You must help me. That's why I'm here. Just tell them what they want to know." This is the part that's different. Keo Vipraxay: (in Lao) (untranslated) Interpeter: "There are many things I can tell him about you, so you tell him this: "Samay came to my home. I was afraid. I thought he was there to rob me or kill me. So I shot him." Brass: So our interpreter is hiding something. Grissom: Well, that's not lost in translation. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAUNDRY BUSINESS] (The workers are busy. Brass walks through with a couple of officers. He heads for Joe Cavanaugh's office.) Brass: Mr. Cavanaugh, can you come out here, please? (Joe Cavanaugh stands up and steps out of the office.) Brass: We're going to have a private chat. Let's go. (One of the officers takes Cavanaugh by his arm and leads him back out the way they came.) (As he walks by, one of the workers takes out a cigarette and lights it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LAUNDRY BUSINESS - BASEMENT] (Brass talks with Joe Cavanaugh.) Brass: In the interview, remember Keo said, "There are many things I can tell them about you"? You didn't tell me that. You left that part out. Why? Joe Cavanaugh: I told you what he said. You're not arresting me because I screwed up my translation? Brass: You're a co-beneficiary of Noy Vipraxay's life insurance, right? Joe Cavanaugh: So what? I help my guys try to get a little security for their families. I help them in a lot of ways. Driver's licenses, green cards ... Brass: Oh, what, what? Out of the goodness of your heart? Come on, they have to come to you. Joe Cavanaugh: Without me, they're back in a rice paddy making three cents a day. Look, some of these guys put me on their policy. It's their way of saying "thank you." Brass: So when one of your guys kills another one of your guys, you make money out of it? We both know that insurance companies don't even investigate claims under ten grand. So you get a free pass. Joe Cavanaugh: You don't really think I'd have somebody killed for five grand? Brass: I've seen it done for a lot less. Joe Cavanaugh: That don't mean I did it. There's new casinos that open all the time. They all got laundries. I bring home 15 G's a month on the side. So I am not going to bend over a dollar to pick up a dime. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- DNA LAB] (Warrick and Nick walk into the DNA lab and up to Hodges who is looking through a scope.) Warrick: Hodges, do you have the results on the fibers that we dropped off to ... ? (Warrick stops as he gets a good look at Hodges, who is sleeping.) Warrick: Hodges? (Hodges doesn't move. Warrick looks at Nick.) Warrick: Dude. He's asleep. (Warrick and Nick both laugh.) Nick: (loudly) Let me guess! ... (Hodges is startled awake and sits up abruptly.) Nick: (normal voice) ... the fibers are wool. Are you bagging Z's right now, man? Hodges: I was just having the greatest dream. Warrick: You were out. Hodges: It was the '80s and I had this Don Johnson beard, you know, the Miami Vice stubble. It just gave me this air of danger. My lady loved it. (Warrick nods.) Um, I found two types of fibers on your guy's chin: cotton and a polyester-Lycra blend. Both dyed black. (He gets up and lets Nick have a seat at the scope for a look.) Warrick: Dyed black? The bedding might have been cotton, but it wasn't black. (Nick looks through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW: BLACK FIBERS] (Warrick continues.) Warrick: The comforter and draperies may have been poly, but they weren't black, either. Nick: I bagged some black socks and some black pantyhose. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Warrick is looking at the socks under a lit magnifying lamp.) Warrick: This could be the source of the fibers. He wasn't suffocated with his crew sock. (He drops the sock and picks up the pantyhose.) Warrick: (to Nick) Did you notice the burn mark on the knot in these pantyhose at the crime scene? Nick: No. No, they were all balled up. I just bagged them and tagged them. (Nick looks at the burned pantyhose under the magnifying lamp.) Nick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've got to get this to DNA. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- NIGHT] (Greg is back in the lab. Warrick and Nick are walking up to him from behind, both talking loud enough for him to hear.) Nick: I thought Greg was in the field. Is he back in the lab? Warrick: I don't know. Nick: We've got to clear this up. It's like he's confused. Lab, field, field, lab. We have a lab on wheels. Greg: How about you guys just shut up, all right? I'm doing this as a favor for Ecklie. It's a one-time thing. He's still interviewing lab techs. Warrick: You making overtime? Greg: I'm taking one for the team. Warrick: Mm-hmm. NICK: Mm-hmm. Warrick: Tell me about these pantyhose. Greg: Well, I found Tally's epithelials on the inside, which is no surprise, since she was wearing them. (Warrick looks through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW] (Warrick sees skin cells on the pantyhose fibers.) (Greg continues.) Greg: I also found black cotton fibers on the outside -- highest concentration near the crotch. Insert joke here. Nick: The vic had a pair of black cotton socks. Warrick: Well, I did find black cotton fibers under his chin. Nick: Okay, transfer from the sock to the pantyhose, to the neck. So the sock was in between the pantyhose and the neck? Greg: Padding. BCP, breath control play. (Warrick nods.) Greg: Couples increase their partner's pleasure through strangulation. And if you're not careful, it leaves marks. Warrick: Yeah, this guy Julian Harper's an actor, so I'm sure he didn't want bruises on his neck to be showing on camera. Nick: There were only two girls in the suite. Which one of them killed him? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PALMS HOTEL -- BEDROOM] (Warrick and Nick are standing in the bedroom looking around.) Nick: Burnt pantyhose. Okay, evidence of s*x games gone wrong. Warrick: I don't see how we could have missed anything. There's no fireplace here. I haven't seen any lighters. Nick: Well, something singed the hose. (Warrick looks around as Nick puts his kit down. Warrick finds something black on one of the wall lamps.) (Zoom in for camera close-up of the burnt black substance.) Warrick: Hey. Nick: Hmm? Warrick: There's some burnt residue on this lamp. (Warrick puts the residue in a bindle.) Warrick: You know what I think? I think someone tied him up, and they couldn't get the knot undone, because it melted. So they panicked. And they pulled the hose down. (Nick nods.) Warrick: I'll print the light. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Sofia Curtis and Warrick interview Blinky.) Warrick: I guess even having an unlimited supply of hot women is not enough, huh? Bondage s*x with your best friend? Sofia Curtis: It's cool, you guys were on the down low. Blinky (Gerald Allison): I don't understand. Warrick: Well, we found both your prints and Julian's prints on a light fixture above the bed. (He tosses the LAS VEGAS POLICE DEPARTMENT AFIS REPORT toward Blinky. It has a single print on the center with his name on the bottom: ALLISON, GERALD ALIASES: BLINKY Blinky (Gerald Allison): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We were not down like that. (Quick flashback to: The bedroom door opens and Blinky walks in, calling out to Julian Harper.) Blinky (Gerald Allison): Rise and shine, buddy! Room service. (His eyes widen with horror as he sees his friend on the bed, the black hose still around his beck and tied to the lamp.) Blinky (Gerald Allison): Dude, Julian? (He goes over to his friend and removes the hose from around his neck. Julian falls face down on the bed.) Blinky (Gerald Allison): (V.O.) He did it to himself. He did it to himself. So, I took the pantyhose, and I took them off the light. (The hose starts to melt on the hot lamp.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Blinky (Gerald Allison): And then I put his boxers back on. I wasn't going to let his mom open up US magazine and see her boy like that. Jules, he always did me right. Now I just wanted to do him the same. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Catherine and Grissom walk through the hallway.) Catherine: I got the serial number rundown from Keo's shotgun. He bought it last week, two days before he shot Samay. Grissom: The guy's barely scraping by, and he spends $250 on a brand-new Mossberg? Catherine: There's a word for that. "Premeditation." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Brass interviews Keo Vipraxay with his lawyer and an interpreter sitting next to him.) Brass: Your brother gets killed. You killed the guy who did it with a shotgun you just bought. And end up $5,000 ahead. (Keo turns and looks at the interpreter.) Interpeter: (in Lao) (untranslated) Brass: In Nevada, that's murder one. Twenty years to life. Unless you get the death sentence. Interpeter: (in Lao) (untranslated) Lawyer: What are my client's options? Brass: A full confession. We make a recommendation to the DA; maybe he gets murder two. Interpeter: (in Lao) (untranslated) (He shakes his head. The interpreter stops. Keo turns and looks at Brass.) Keo Vipraxay: (in English) I brought Noy here to help me. Brass: What? Keo Vipraxay: To work hard and save. To bring our family here. Our parent. Our sister. My wife. Instead he waste the money--on the DVD, gambling, clothes. Keo Vipraxay: Noy's life was worthless. His death is not. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Grissom is in his office. Warrick knocks on the door. He looks up.) Warrick: Griss, we closed that actor case. Grissom: And? Warrick: Accidental death as a result of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Grissom: Strangled himself to death to enhance his own pleasure. (Warrick nods.) Grissom: It was in the days of public hangings that people first noticed that men would get erections and sometimes even ejaculate. They called it "The Killer Orgasm." Warrick: It's a waste. Guy had everything -- money, fame ... Grissom: Yeah, look where he ended up. CUE SONG: "Mad World", Gary Jules [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MORGUE] Lyric: All around me are familiar faces, worn-out places, worn-out faces (The gurney carrying a body is wheeled down the hall. The identification tag around the body's big toe reads: N. VIPRAXAY A. ROBBINS C. WILLOWS (The gurney table stops next to a second body with the tag that reads: HARPER, JULIAN DR. ROBBINS W. BROWN Lyric: Bright and early for the daily races going nowhere, going nowhere (TOP VIEW DOWN: The two dead bodies are side-by-side.) (Someone pulls a sheet over the first body over his face.) Lyric: ... Mad World ... (Camera rises to show the face of the second body. Someone pulls the sheet over the second body to cover his face.) Lyric: ... Mad World ...

Nick and Warrick investigate the suspicious murder of a young movie star who is found dead after a night of partying in his hotel suite. Meanwhile, Grissom, Catherine, and Sara uncover two murders among the immigrant laundry workers from the same hotel.

fd_Alias_03x08

fd_Alias_03x08_0

Pan over a mountain to a remote compound. A helicopter flies toward it. Inside are four armed guards and a prisoner in blue drab uniform with a black head covering over his/her head. Cut to helicopter flying over barbed wire fence and landing in a courtyard. Guards climb out and bring prisoner, hands and feet chained, with them. They walk into the facility, apparently some kind of jail. One soldier shows his badge and they are buzzed inside. The prisoner is brought through several locking doors. At the end of a hallway of jail cells, the prisoner's hood is released. It's Sydney. She looks at the prisoners in their cells as she is walked to the very end of the hallway and shoved into the end cell. They remove her cuffs and lock her in. Close up on Sydney's face. She looks stricken and lost. Cut to flyover of LA by day. Cut to Lindsey followed by several NSC officers entering the JTF Center. Lindsey: (to man on his left) If you find anything, you let me know Lauren! Pan across room to Lauren on telephone. Lauren: I'll call you back. She hangs up telephone and falls into step with Lindsey. Lindsey: Dixon spoken with the DCI? Lauren: Yes. Lindsey: Good. I want to make sure we have access to all computer accounts, emails, and correspondence seen in this office in the last two years. Lauren: Yes, sir. I've already put a request in through Langley. Lindsey: Who'd you talk to over there? Lauren: Brandon. I'm on it. Lauren and Linsdey enter Dixon's office. Dixon stands behind his desk. Vaughn and Weiss stand in front of it. All turn toward Lindsey and Lauren as they enter. Lindsey: I understand the Director of Intelligence has already conveyed his desire to transfer authority over this task force from your agency to mine. I expect you to cooperate fully. Cut to Vaughn giving Lauren a really upset ‘How could you do this!?' look. Dixon (voiceover): No. Not exactly. Cut to Lauren giving Vaughn a stubborn look and then addressing her eyes toward Dixon. Dixon: I explained to my superiors that the decision was mine to withhold information from the NSC regarding Sydney Bristow's involvement in the Lazarey murder. Cut to Vaughn and Weiss as they turn to assess Lindsey and Lauren's reaction to this news. Dixon: And that the members of my staff in question were acting working under direct orders from me. Lindsey: I see. Dixon: My staff will remain on active duty and cooperate in any investigation Lindsey: They're not your staff, Mr. Dixon. Not anymore. Cut to Dixon's defiant stone face. Lindsey (voiceover): I'm pulling your clearance until further notice. Dixon: Mr. Lindsey, I would expect nothing less from you. Lindsey: One of my men will escort you to a facility for questioning. Cut to Dixon. He removes his badge and places it in a small manila envelope on his desk and walks toward Lindsey, anticipating his next statement: Lindsey: In the meantime, you'll need to surrender all credentials and access cards Dixon hands Lindsey the envelope and walks out of the room, taking the steam out of Lindsey's sails in his speech. Vaughn gives Lauren another dirty look. She still looks defiantly back, her arms crossed. Lindsey moves to stand behind Dixon's desk to address Vaughn and Weiss. Lindsey: Well, of course, you'll be questioned as well. Let's not make this any harder than it has to be. Vaughn: It's too late for that. Vaughn turns to leave saying to Lauren as he walks out: Vaughn: I need to talk to you right now Cut to Lauren and Vaughn walking down a hallway. Vaughn is in front and Lauren is walking behind him, trying to catch up. Lauren: Before you start, know that I did what I thought was right, given the information that I Vaughn turns back toward her and gets right in Lauren's face, obviously agitated. Vaughn: Sydney is in Lindsey's custody because of you! Lauren: The Lazarey murder was my assignment! Sydney murdered a Russian diplomat! Vaughn: Okay, stop! Don't act like this is your first day on the job! Lauren: Sydney is in NSC custody not ! Vaughn (cutting her off): No, she is in Lindsey's custody. Lauren: You think Lindsey's unaccountable!? Vaughn: Lauren, his operation is funded by black money. What the White House expects from him is results Lauren: What you're suggesting is that I willfully participate in an orchestrated cover up! Vaughn: No, but I would have hoped you'd be a person about this! Lauren: While you clearly underestimate not only my ability to do my job but also, apparently, my humanity, you should know that not only do I believe I did the right thing, but the more you talk, the more suspicious I get! (beat) You're the one who got her out of the country, aren't you? Cut to Vaughn. He doesn't answer, but she reads it on his face. Lauren (not as angry, more worried for Vaughn): Do you know what would happen to you if it becomes known that you helped a fugitive evade the Federal Government? Vaughn (very snarky): I'm not concerned about myself right now Lauren sighs and looks down before looking back up with a bit of new defiance. Lauren: If what you're suggesting is right, that to learn what happened to Sydney over the past two years Robert Lindsey intends to have surgery performed on her which will render her brain dead why would he have me write the White House brief? Vaughn looks shocked and worried by this new development. Vaughn: What!? Lauren (more confident she's right now): He's asked me to go with him as an observer of Sydney's interrogation. This information disturbs Vaughn. Instead of being relieved, it's clear he's more worried. Lauren (voiceover): Clearly, he's got nothing to hide Vaughn looks up to meet her eyes. It's clear he's disbelieving of her outlook on the matter. Lauren: Michael for whatever reason, you're overreacting to this. Cut to Vaughn. He's got that stubborn, annoyed face back in full force. Lauren: I don't know how long I'll be gone So I guess I'll see you Lauren turns and walks away. Stay on Vaughn's face, worried, annoyed, determined. Cut to slo-mo of Jack walking across a hallway entrance leading to the main rotunda. He's staring intently at someone. He stops walking. Cut to Lindsey leaning over another agent at a desk. Pan to closeup of Lindsey's face as he realizes someone's eyes are upon him. He looks up and makes eye contact with Jack. They stare each other down for a long moment. Jack's stare is cold, and downright scary it says something akin to “You mess with my daughter and I will kill you ” Lindsey tries his best to stare back, but just hint of apprehension is in his expression. Jack coldly dismisses him, turns his head and walks away. Cut to Jack walking down the hallway. Vaughn hurries behind him to catch up to him. Vaughn: Jack, I wanna be a part of it. Vaughn falls into step with Jack. Jack (with a hint of his classic sarcasm): If I knew what you were talking about, I'd refuse anyway. Vaughn: Come on I've thought of a half dozen scenarios to help Sydney Lindsey has to be shut down! He Jack suddenly stops and turns toward Vaughn. Vaughn: Did your scenarios take into account that helping Sydney at this point will require breaking at least a dozen federal laws? Vaughn (in an intense half-whisper): Just the fact that you're telling me this means you have something planned! Damn it, let me help! Cut to Jack. He looks like he's undecided as to whether to accept Vaughn's offer. Cut back to Vaughn, looking more determined than ever. Vaughn (still intense): If anything happens to Sydney (he shakes his head) Jack stares at Vaughn for a second, blinks, and then says: Jack: Meet me in the parking garage in three minutes. Vaughn nods slightly as Jack walks away. Cut to pan up of Sydney's cell. She's walking around, feeling for any crack, indent, anything she might be able to use to eventually escape. Another prisoner who can see her from his cell 90 degrees addresses her. Prisoner: Whatcha doin'? Sydney looks up at him, surprised. Prisoner: Were you lookin' for somethin'? Sydney stares at him for a moment. She's wary of him. Sydney: Maybe The prisoner crawls to the end of his bed to speak at her through the bars of his cell. Prisoner (whispering): Hey if you find any I'll have some. If it's candy God, I'd love candy. Sydney looks at him almost pityingly for a moment and then gives a hint of a smile. Prisoner: I'm Campbell. Sydney: Sydney. She smiles again. Campbell seems like he's a bit slow, or else is so broken from torture that he's become almost childlike. Campbell: Syd ney (as if trying out the sound of it) Campbell crawls along the bars to stand close to her. Campbell: Hey Hey Don't leave, okay? Please? Been a long time without someone to talk to Sydney just looks at him. Cut to an overpass over a drainage canal. Pan to Jack and Vaughn on the side of a road. Vaughn: So this contact we're meeting Former NSC? Jack gives Vaughn a sideways glance, his arms crossed. Jack: No. He turns to look at Vaughn and then back at the road. Vaughn: How are they gonna help us locate Sydney? Jack looks back at Vaughn. Jack: We're waiting for Sloane. Vaughn's surprised and a bit annoyed by this news. He crosses his arms across his chest. Vaughn: You called Sloane on this!? Jack doesn't answer, he just turns to look down the road. So does Vaughn. Cut to a black sedan driving toward them. Cut back to Jack and Vaughn. Jack: You and I will be the prime suspects behind any intent to free Sydney from NSC custody. Sloane has agreed to make it seem as if it were the work of the Covenant. Do I trust him on this? Not necessarily. They both turn toward Sloane's car as he gets out and walks toward them, hands in his pockets. Sloane: Gentlemen. According to my sources, Sydney is being held at Camp Williams. Off Jack's reaction, we cut to Vaughn. Vaughn: Camp Williams is a Naval training facility, why would Lindsey take her there? Jack: Because it's home to an unacknowledged NSC detention center used for the interrogation of suspected terrorists whose captivity the government won't admit to. Sloane: So to help her, we'll need a tactical team. At least eight men, transportation, weapons, specialized backup I would suggest Brill. Jack: I thought he was in Freetown? Sloane: Oh no, not since the government fell. If he's available, Domier would know. Jack: We'll need to get a hold of blueprints to Camp Williams Vaughn (cutting in, both men turn to look at him): The FEMA Central Office downtown. They should have a set of blueprints on file. Jack (impressed): Good. We'll prep infiltration into the FEMA building. Meet back here in three hours. Cut to Sloane. He suddenly looks amused by something. Sloane: I told you, Jack We'd work together again. This statement seems to really burn Jack. He gives Sloane a look of death, and walks away, Vaughn following him. Pan over to Sloane, still amused. Cut to a hallway in Camp Williams. Pan to Sydney, being rolled along on a stretcher, bound hand and foot. Cut to another helicopter flying towards Camp Williams. Cut to Lindsey and Lauren inside the copter. Lindsey looks out the window, Lauren surveys Lindsey as if trying to figure out which version of this man is the real truth, hers or Vaughn's. Lindsey: Just so we're clear It's in all our best interests to make sure that no one on the Hill questions our ethics, Lauren. That's why I'm counting on you to write a thorough report chronicling our investigation to date, and our fair treatment of Sydney Bristow. Understood? Lauren stares at him. Cut to Sydney being wheeled into what appears to be a cross between an emergency room and a torture chamber. Cut to the ‘doctor' who looks decidedly creepy. The guards start to remove her restraints and Sydney starts to fight against them, but they keep her overpowered and transfer her to a table in the room and restrain her to it. Cut to Lauren in the helicopter. Lauren: But Sydney's made it very clear she doesn't remember anything. Lindsey: But when we searched her flat in Rome, we found a coded message taped to the underside of her desk. Now, if she can decode that message, it may help us infiltrate or even take down the Covenant. Lauren: What if she doesn't recognize the code? Lindsey: As long as she demonstrates a willingness to cooperate, that surgery will be nothing more than a threat. Cut to Sydney in the midst of being given electroshock by the evil doctor. The treatment stops. She takes in deep, gasping breaths. The doctor holds a sheaf of papers in front of her face. Doctor: Ms. Bristow, we know you know how to read this code Do you recognize your handwriting? Sydney (panting): No I draw little hearts over my Is smiley faces sometimes Doctor: What you're feeling now? The pain from shock therapy? It's nothing There's another procedure neurostimulation We could use it to find out where you've been the last two years Cut to Sydney, still panting with pain. His barb does affect her a little. Doctor: Decypher the text and we won't have to Sydney: Don't bother negotiating with me! You better make sure I'm a vegetable when you're done with me The doctor turns his head and looks toward a slatted window where Lindsey stands watching, his arms crossed, not happy. Pushing a button to broadcast his voice into the room, he says: Lindsey: Try a higher setting The doctor turns up the setting and shocks her again. Smash cut to black. End of Act One. Closeup on Sydney's shackled right hand as the evil doctor undoes the cuff after apparently more electroshock. Doctor: The human body is an amazing thing. A couple of hours you'll almost feel human again. Cut to Sydney's face. Her eyes are closed, her face clammy and sweaty. She's obviously weak, in pain and exhausted. She opens her eyes and then we see a sudden determined look cross her face. The camera follows her gaze to the sheaf of papers the doctor had shoved in her face earlier. It's held together by a large paper clip. Doctor: You have a strong heart, though. You could survive another five six sessions. Sydney takes a sideways glance at the doctor. When his back is turned, she reaches out and palms the paper clip off the sheaf of papers. Doctor: That'll be a new record for both of us The doctor turns and Sydney just gives him as nasty a look as she can currently manage. Cut to Lindsey exiting the torture area. Lauren comes up from behind him. Lauren: I thought I was supposed to be observing? Lindsey turns around to face her and plasters a humoring smile on his face. Lindsey: And you will as much as possible. But my interrogation of Agent Bristow includes a discussion of classified material. Lauren: How can I report on an investigation I'm not part of? Lindsey: We can talk about it Come on; I'll brief you on what I can Lindsey reaches out a hand to Lauren's arm as if to invite her to walk with him. She's having none of it. Lauren: No, I'm sorry but if I'm going to chronicle our treatment of Sydney Bristow, I need to see how she's being treated. Lindsey's face immediately loses the patronizing smile and hardens. Lindsey: How do you suppose it was that Sydney Bristow knew to flee the country before she was even aware the NSC wanted to take her into custody? Cut to Lauren's reaction. She's definitely afraid of where Lindsey is going with this line of discussion. Lindsey: With plane tickets? Fake passport? I doubt you want me looking into who it was that aided and abetted the escape of a wanted fugitive. Lauren looks shocked, betrayed. Her eyes are opened to Lindsey's true character for the first time. She shakes her head slightly, as if she can't believe she didn't see it before. Lauren: That's why you asked for me. Legally, you needed a witness Lindsey: Get to your office. You have a report to write. Lindsey turns and walks away, leaving Lauren to stare at him, wondering what the heck to do with the mess she's in. Cut to Sydney being slammed down upon the mattress in her cell. She's gasping and her body twitches involuntarily as an aftereffect of the shock treatments. Campbell (whispering): Sydney they didn't give you one Sydney looks up to see Campbell holding out a wool blanket to her through the bars of his cell. Campbell: It's cold at night. Sydney takes the blanket. Sydney (whispering): Thank you. She wraps the blanket around herself. Campbell: This is not the best place. Sydney snickers at the extreme understatement. She lies back down, this time on her stomach. Her body still twitches. Campbell: They wanted to know about Iran when I was there assigned. What do they wanna know about you? Sydney looks at Campbell with almost tears in her eyes but doesn't answer. Campbell (in a whispering determined voice): Don't give it to them! Sydney nods and then lies down on her side, facing away from Campbell. She opens the palm of her hand and we see she's still holding the paper clip. Her body still twitches. She touches it with her other hand and then clutches it tightly, as if it were a lifeline. Cut to a chessboard complete with timer clocks. A black man's hand moves a piece on the board, taking a white piece. Cut up to the man's face. He's probably in his 50's, mustache, wearing a cap and a green army jacket, smoking a cigar. Man: That's checkmate in three moves. Do you wanna give me my 50 bucks now or do we go through the motions? I got all day. Cut to his opponent, a young white man in his early 20's. He looks down at the board, disgusted and then pulls the money out of his pocket and throws it on the table. As the man gets up to walk away the winning man asks: Man: That's not tuition money, is it? The man snickers as the young man gets up and leaves. The black man starts to reset the pieces on the board. He's almost finished when we see a 100 dollar bill laid onto the center of the board. Jack (voiceover): I'll put you in checkmate in ten moves. The man looks up at him assessingly and then answers: Man: Yeah if I play with my eyes closed. Cut to wider angle. Jack sits down opposite the man; Vaughn sits in a chair to the side of Jack. Jack starts resetting the pieces on his side of the board. Jack: Long time Man: Chile, '73. Should've never helped overthrow Allende. Jack: Thomas Brill, Michael Vaughn. Vaughn and Brill make eye contact. Vaughn nods once at Brill. Brill leans back in his chair a little, assessing Vaughn. Brill (a little bit of surprise in his voice): You Bill Vaughn's kid? Cut to Vaughn's reaction. He's surprised this man apparently knew his father. Vaughn: Yeah, he was my father. Brill: He was a good man. Vaughn: Thank you. Jack: You interested in a high-risk extraction? Jack makes a move on the chessboard and clicks the button on his timer. Brill: Always. Paint me a picture. Jack: Camp Williams Detention Center. Brill: Blind? Jack: Blueprints. Sloane's designing the op. Brill (amused): Well, look who's putting the band back together? Vaughn gives Jack an annoyed look. Brill: Rules of engagement. Brill makes a move on the chessboard and pushes his timer button. Jack: The facility is protected by two dozen DoD personnel. Lethal force is not an option. Brill: Well, if were going to use tranqs, I'm gonna need another 5 freelancers. It's not gonna be cheap, Jack: 250K per hire another 9 for the chopper Brill moves a piece on the chessboard and clicks his timer button. Brill: and for the non-lethal gunmetal? Add another 6. Jack: Done. Meet me at this address it two hours. Jack places a business card down onto the table. He moves another piece on the chessboard. Jack: Checkmate. Jack smiles at Brill, who looks surprised. Cut to Vaughn and Jack walking away from the table. Vaughn (apprehensive): You just agreed to pay him 2 million dollars Jack (unperturbed): Three. Cut to the inside of a dark room as Jack opens a sliding metal door, shedding light into it. He hits a light switch illuminating the room and enters. Vaughn walks in behind him looking around. There's a large stockpile of automatic weapons, bombs, flak jackets, medical supplies, etc. Vaughn: What the hell is this? Jack: Storage. Jack drops an empty black backpack onto the table and then bends down to type in the combination on a safe. Vaughn closes the door behind them. Jack opens the door to the safe to reveal huge stacks of cellophane wrapped cash. Jack starts grabbing the cash bundles and depositing them on the table behind him in front of Vaughn, who picks up the first couple of bundles to look at them and then starts to load the money into the backpack. Vaughn: The fact that you're letting me see this place means it's not your only one, is it? Jack deposits more money on the table and gives Vaughn a glance. Jack (with the barest hint of amusement): You're smarter than you look Vaughn half smiles and continues to load money into the backpack. Cut to an external view of Camp Williams through the fence. Cut to a computer screen as the words “I, Lauren Reed” are typed onto it and stop. Cut to Lauren. She's still obviously torn and not sure what she should do. She's pretty sure now that Vaughn was right about Sydney's treatment, seeing that she isn't being allowed to view it, and that she's being blackmailed to write a whitewashed report. But at the same time, she doesn't want her husband to get in trouble. She leans her elbows on the desk and leans her mouth into her hands, closing her eyes. Cut to Sydney's gurney pushing through a set of doors. Again, she's shackled to the gurney. As she's wheeled into the “interrogation room”, the doctor greets her: Doctor: Miss Bristow! You look better. The guards have wheeled the gurney parallel to the table. Sydney (sarcastic): Yeah, I feel great thanks. Doctor: I hear you're making friends with your cellmate! Cut to a closeup of Sydney's right hand. She's bent the paper clip out straight and uses the point to unlock the restraint on that hand. The doctor signs the transfer paperwork for the guard. Doctor: He's a journalist you know in the Middle East. Story is he died in a car accident. Truth is he was protecting his source. Hee hee He thought the 1st amendment would protect him The guard undoes the left shackle on Sydney's hand. Doctor: He's strong though, like you Sydney takes the opportunity to swing across and hit the guard in the nose with her right palm, kicking out with her foot at the other one at the foot of the gurney. She gets up and kicks out the second guard again and then ducks as the doctor swings a long metal pole at her. She kicks the doctor in the stomach, knocking him over. The 1st guard picks up a tranq gun, but Syd kicks the gurney into him, knocking the gun out of his hand. It clatters to the floor. The doctor and Sydney both jump for it. They struggle over the gun and then Sydney shoots the tranq dart into the doctor's abdomen and makes a run for it. Cut to Sydney bolting from the room and down a corridor as an announcement blares over the loudspeaker: “Code red. Prisoner loose in corridor mark three three. Initiate lockdown procedures.” Cut to Lauren, typing on her laptop. She looks up as two guards run past her window. Guard: I'm on it! Cut to Sydney as she bursts through a set of doors. She's immediately brutally clotheslined by a guard with a clubbing stick. Sydney drops to the floor. Other guards come running. Syd flips the first guard, but before she can run again, she's grabbed by each arm by other guards. Guard #1: Hold her! Guard #1 viciously shoves his baton into Syd's stomach. Cut to Lauren running from the room into the hallway. Cut back to what she sees at the end of the hallway: The two guards holding Sydney's arms slamming her face first into the wall and then a guard from behind her yells: Guard: Quiet! And then he tasers Sydney in the back. Sydney screams as her legs give out from under her. As Lauren watches, the guards drag a limp and whimpering Sydney around the corner out of view. Close up on Lauren's face. She looks down and nods as if to say, “Yep I knew it I've been played they are torturing her She looks back up and her face hardens with resolve. Cut to black. End of Act Two. Cut to Sloane, sitting inside a van in front of a laptop computer. The sliding door to the van opens and Vaughn climbs inside, dressed in a workman's jumpsuit. He sits down next to Jack. Vaughn: I found the junction box and planted the video scrambler. When you activate this (hands Jack a small item, looks like a remote car starter) it'll lock down the security system for as long as it takes for you to copy the blueprints. Any word from Brill? Jack: He should have the team hired and equipped in time for tonight as long as we're successful and get the blueprints. Cut to the computer screen as Sloane works. Sloane: There we go Okay, I got us into the trunk exchange. Now every incoming and outgoing call to the FEMA building will be rerouted through this number. (to Jack) You're ready. Jack hits the button on the scrambler. (This great 70's type funk song “What Do I Have To Do To Prove My Love For You?” kicks in.) Cut to the front desk as the security guard watches the monitors turn to snow. Guard turns to official looking guy next to him. Guard: Sir, we lost picture. Official guy puts down the paper he was reading and picks up the telephone and dials a number. Cut to Vaughn in the van as his cell phone rings. Vaughn: Weller Security, can you hold? Official: No, I can't. This is the LA EOC. All my screens just went blank. Vaughn: Did you reboot? Official: We're doing it now. Vaughn: Well, I've got a man in the area; I'll send him over. Vaughn turns off the cell phone and nods to Jack. Cut to Jack as he swaggers into the FEMA building. He shows his ID badge. With a very blue-collarish almost New York accent, he says. Jack: Yeah, I got a call. You guys down? Official: Where's Stuart? Jack: Sick. Got a nasal infection freakin' nightmare! Cut to Vaughn and Sloane climbing down a ladder inside a manhole. Vaughn is carrying a large briefcase. Sloane: I've been doing this longer than you. Jack could've taken a camera in there. Vaughn: If they sweep him a find a camera? This is all over Vaughn opens the case and pulls out a laptop and a long cable with a tiny camera lens on the end. Cut to inside the FEMA building. The security guard rounds the kiosk toward Jack. Guard: Federal security measures require that we make a thorough search Jack: Hey, I'm new, but I'm not new all right? I know the protocol. Guard uses a handheld metal detector on Jack. He's clean. Official: Then you know I gotta stay with you at all times. Jack: Right. Right. Just give me the tools and show me the way. Official hands Jack a small zippered tool folio. Cut to Vaughn starting up the laptop. Cut to Jack and Official walking toward the computer room. Official: It's right over here. Jack: This shouldn't take too long. In the meantime, you might wanna make sure your data files are backed up. Official: I already did. Jack: Right. Jack starts to unscrew a panel on one of the mainframe computers. Official guy sits down to watch. Cut to Vaughn, who has connected the laptop to the camera. We're seeing snow on the screen. Sloane: Having spent a significant amount of time with your wife over the past year, I think it's safe to say that you're a lucky man. Vaughn pauses, then says: Vaughn: Yes I am. Sloane: I imagine that all of this is something of a strain on your relationship, hmm? Vaughn looks very annoyed but refuses to rise to Sloane's bait. He feeds the camera into a hole that wires are coming out of at the junction box. Vaughn: Terminal twelve will take us up Vaughn gives Sloane a dirty side glance. Cut to the computer screen as the camera lens climbs higher. He looks up at Sloane. Vaughn: Make the call. Cut to the telephone ringing at the main kiosk. The security guard answers. Guard: Federal Emergency Management. Sloane: Yeah, this is Director Blackman. I've just been pulled from a meeting with the Secretary of Defense to find out that your branch has been dark for the past thirty minutes. Guard: Yes, well we're working on it. My supervisor's in with the technician now Sloane (cutting him off, very pompous sounding): Whoa son, son Now I'm sure you're aware that the chances of a terrorist attack on the city of Los Angeles are extraordinarily high. And if, God forbid, something like that should befall us, I would expect that the central office tasked with the management of such an emergency would be prepared! Cut to Vaughn as he continues to feed the camera wire up the hole. Sloane: So, why don't you get your supervisor on the line right now? Guard picks up a walkie talkie. Guard: Sir, Director Blackman's on blue. You need to speak with him now Official looks annoyed and nervous. Official: I'm on my way (to Jack) You wait here. As soon as the Official leaves the room Jack starts hurriedly searching through blueprint drawers. Cut to Vaughn, still feeding the camera. Cut back to Jack still searching drawers. Focus from Jack to the security camera on the wall behind him. Suddenly a small cable comes out the bottom of it and turns in Jack's direction. Cut to the laptop screen as the camera on the cable turns and sees Jack. Vaughn: There he is. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Official, picking up telephone. He turns to security guard and says: Official: Go check on the alarm guy. Guard: Yes, sir. As guard gets up and leaves, Official answers phone. Official: Director Blackman Cut to Jack searching more drawers. He finds the stack he's looking for. He starts holding them up to the camera while Vaughn snaps pictures of them. Sloane (on phone to Official): As I'm sure you're aware, the people of Los Angeles face a myriad of disasters Cut to Jack, holding up blueprints. Cut to guard, walking down the hallway toward where Jack is. Cut back to Jack holding up blueprints. Cut to Vaughn, studying them and taking pictures. Sloane: No, we're not just talking about terrorism. In case you haven't noticed, we're due for another earthquake (cut to Official looking flabbergasted and can't get a word in edgewise) Plus, because of the recent forest fires, we're susceptible to mudslides. Cut to guard, unlocking the door leading to the hallway where the room where Jack is. Sloane: Not to mention the fact that there seems to be a riot breaking out every time the Lakers win! Jack holds up the last blueprint and Vaughn gets a copy of it. He looks up and nods at Sloane. Sloane (with a brush off tone): Just make sure you get it done. (He hangs up.) Cut to guard as he enters the control room. Jack is just screwing in the last screw in the computer mainframe. He looks up at the guard. Jack: That'll do it Should be back online. Jack zips up the tool case and hands it to the guard. Guard: Great. Cut to the main kiosk as the monitors blink back into life. Pan up to Official, nodding with satisfaction. Jack and Guard round corner. Jack: Take it easy. Jack starts to walk away. Official (to guard): Get Blackman. He'll wanna know we're back online right away. Cut to Jack's look of panic at this announcement. He walks a little swifter toward the door. Guard: Director Blackman, please. (pause, listening) Out of the country!? I just spoke with him; he said he was in Washington! Guard looks over at Official with confusion. Official looks up at Jack suddenly with suspicion. Official (yelling at Jack): Hey! Jack has just exited the door and keeps walking briskly as the van hastily pulls up into the drive. Official and Guard rush out after Jack. Jack starts to run for the van. Official: Stop where you are! Sloane gets out of the van waving Jack toward it frantically. Official: Stop where you are! Guard draws a gun. Guard: Hands in the air! Cut to Sloane, still waving Jack on, gives him a hand up into the van just as the guard takes aim and shoots. Sloane purposefully uses his body to shield Jack's and is shot in the chest, falling backward into the van. Jack looks shocked as the van screeches away. Cut to black. End of Act Three. Opens to black. Suddenly there's light as the door to Jack's “Storage” facility opens. Jack and Vaughn are supporting a groaning Sloane between them. Jack shoves papers from the metal table. Jack (to Vaughn): Get him down on the table. As Vaughn gets Sloane to lie on the table, Jack grabs a wool blanket to prop up his head. Vaughn rushes to the door to close it behind them. Jack goes over to the medical supplies across the room and wheels a rolling chest of drawers up next to him. Jack (to Vaughn): Get me 4 by 4s. Vaughn opens a cabinet to grab a handful of gauze pads. Jack opens the top drawer of the dresser to reveal medical scissors and other sterile supplies. Jack pulls out the scissors and starts cutting Sloane's T-shirt away from the gunshot wound. Sloane is moaning and grimacing. Jack (to Sloane): Just breathe! Just breathe! As Jack moves the shirt aside to reveal the wound, Vaughn hurries over to the other side of the table. Vaughn: Okay. Jack: Keep pressure applied to the wound. Vaughn takes the gauze and places it over the wound and applies pressure with both hands. Jack takes a needle and starts to fill it from a small bottle. Vaughn: What is that? Jack: Morphine. Sloane: No! No morphine! I'll go into anaphylactic shock! Jack: Arvin We have to dig the bullet out. Sloane: If you give me morphine, I'll be dead before you get to the bullet (cough) And don't get any ideas Jack puts down the needle and bottle and grabs a nylon strap that one would use as a rifle strap and starts to bind Sloane arms down to the table. Jack: I have to do this to keep you from thrashing. Sloane (whispering): Okay .okay. Vaughn and Jack bind Sloane to the table in two places. Jack (to Vaughn): Gimme your belt to bite down on. Sloane (groaning): Oh, I don't need a belt Jack (to Vaughn) Do it! Vaughn pulls off his belt and puts it between Sloane's teeth. Jack: I need some light. Vaughn carries a spotlight over and shines it right down onto Sloane's chest. Jack puts the clamp into the wound and starts digging around for the bullet. Cut to Sloane grimacing badly and biting hard on the belt until he finally passes out from the pain. Vaughn: He passed out. Jack: Good. (pulling on clamp, which is presumably now holding the bullet) Almost Jack gives a final tug, and the bloody bullet is removed. He drops it into a metal container with a clang. Cut to Sydney, lying in her cell as she starts to wake. Campbell (off screen): Morning Sydney (not moving yet): Hi Sydney moans and then struggles to sit up. Cut to Campbell. Campbell: Think about the ocean When I don't feel good, that's what I do. My son liked boats He was six Maybe he's still six I think I think he's older now. Sydney (almost in tears): What is your son's name? Campbell (tears crowding in his eyes): His name was Benjamin (nods) Benjamin. Sydney nods and gives him a tiny smile, empathizing with Campbell. Cut back to passed out Sloane on the table in Jack's storage facility. Cut to Jack, clamp still in gloved hand, using a needle to sew up Sloane's wound. Vaughn: I can't believe I'm actually going to ask this, but is he gonna be all right? Cut back to Jack, wearing small oval almost half-moon type spectacles on the end of his nose and continuing to sew. Jack: He'll recover. The bullet nearly pierced his axillary artery. Vaughn studies Jack for a moment and then says: Vaughn: I didn't know you wore glasses ? Jack looks up over the top of his spectacles and gives Vaughn a dry look. Jack: Only during surgery. Vaughn: (beat) Well, I'm gonna go download the blueprints from the digital camera, but we're still gonna need security codes to get into Camp Williams. Jack: Try Marshall. He should be able to log onto the NSC archive from his station at the rotunda. Vaughn: That's gonna be a little tricky with all the NSC agents crawling everywhere. Jack (with a hint of pointed sarcasm): Yes If only Marshall had a well-trained CIA operative to assist him. Vaughn stares at Jack for a long moment and then a hint of a smile blooms on his face. Vaughn: You're starting to like me again. Jack gives him a short, dry look over the top of his glasses, but says nothing. Vaughn gets up and moves to the door. Jack: Vaughn. Vaughn turns around to face him. Jack: With or without those codes We'll be infiltrating Camp Williams in five hours. Cut to Lindsey as a jail gate opens and he walks through it. Lauren walks up behind him from the side and says to his back: Lauren: Here's your draft I think you'll like it. Lindsey opens the file and begins to look it over. Lindsey: If I was tough on you before, I apologize. Lauren: I'm not naïve. I understand that under certain circumstances, unorthodox methods may be required but that doesn't excuse your blackmailing me by threatening to arrest my husband. Lindsey (clearly having not listened to a word Lauren has said, instead reading her report): Yeah Don't mention Vasson his reputation precedes him. And nothing about Campbell or the other prisoners, just stick with Bristow. Yeah, the rest is fine. Deliver this to Miller; he has operational control of the Rotunda while I'm here. We'll want you back in, uh (checks his watch) six hours to report on the results. Lindsey walks off and Lauren gives his back a significant pissed off look. Cut to the NSC officers crawling over the Rotunda, peering over people's shoulders, etc. as Vaughn walks in and heads straight to Marshall's office. Vaughn: Marshall If I needed you access class Marshall turns around. He's wearing huge horn-rimmed glasses with really thick lenses that magnify his eyes. Marshall: Hey, check it out look Telephoto lenses based on an owl's eye. Now, let's say you're out in the field, doing and you need to get in you just press this button and Whoa! (beat) Nice pores You exfoliate? Vaughn shakes his head. Vaughn: Look, if I needed you to access classified documents on the NSC's computer network, could you do it? Marshall: Oh I don't have access. Marshall turns away, cleaning the owl-eye glasses on his shirt. Vaughn (pointedly): I know. Marshall looks over his shoulder at Vaughn. They exchange a significant look and Vaughn nods slightly. Marshall (whispering): Forensic guys are monitoring the network Vaughn: Isn't there any way to bypass that? Marshall: Of course it's me, but Marshall and Vaughn share another look, then Marshall goes to the end of his workbench and unearths an Xbox console. Marshall (excitement showing in his voice): I give you the codes, you're gonna bust her out, aren't ya .kick some NSC booty? Can I just say? Love Marshall grabs a small flatscreen monitor and begins connecting it to the Xbox and then grabs a keyboard down off a shelf. Cut to Sloane, who is now awake on the same table. Jack is administering a pint of blood intravenously. Jack: I've been trying to think of a single reason why you saved my life The only conclusion I've come to is that it would incur some feeling of debt on my part. Sloane: As usual, Jack, you're in danger or outsmarting yourself. The US Government has pardoned me for my crimes. The international community regards me as a humanitarian. But you and Sydney still believe I am pursuing some hidden agenda. Now, whatever you may perceive that agenda to be, clearly it would be easier to attain if you were both dead, given that you're my most vocal detractors, my most capable antagonists. Jack: Or you need us for something something you believe only we can provide. Sloane: Well .Well, you're right about that. No humanitarian endeavor can ever fill the void left by my past crimes like the death of my wife. You and Sydney are my absolution, my penance. You're all I have left. Jack stares at Sloane. Cut to Marshall and Vaughn in Marshall's office. Marshall is busy working on accessing the NSC network via his Xbox. Vaughn (looking over his shoulder): Anything? Marshall: Just about should be Cut to screen as Marshall types “Find CampWilliams” and gets back a negative reply. His face shows his shock. Vaughn: What? Marshall: Well, the file that would have the access codes has been deleted. Cut to Vaughn's reaction; it's grim. Marshall (in disbelief): All files pertaining to Camp Williams have been removed. The door to Marshall's office opens and they both look back quickly. It's Lauren, looking frantic. Lauren (breathless): Michael Vaughn looks back at her with a “Holy Crap, this is Bad” look. Marshall is looking very unnerved and isn't sure how to react. Lauren gives a sparing glance at Marshall and then back at Vaughn as if to say to Marshall, :I need to talk to him.” Vaughn is still staring at Lauren. Marshall: Actually I'm gonna Uh, take off ‘cause this is definitely something I should not (beat) Pardon me Marshall gets out of his chair and bolts from the room. As Marshall leaves, Lauren says to Vaughn, distressed: Lauren: You were right about Lindsey. I thought I could exercise some degree of control over the interrogation, but he just wanted me to write a report whitewashing the whole thing. Vaughn has slowly walked toward her until he's standing right in front of her. Lauren: I know you're working on something. (beat) I wanna help. Cut to MPs walking down a hallway in Camp Williams. Gates open before them as they pass. Cut to Sydney with a resigned look on her face. She assumes they're coming to get her again. She's shocked when they turn and instead open Campbell's door. Guard #1 (roughly): On your feet, let's go! On your feet! The guards grab him roughly and yank him to his feet. Sydney (worried): Hey The guard elbows Campbell in the stomach and then the other punches him. Sydney: Hey! What are you doing to him!? Lindsey (offscreen): That all depends on you Cut to Lindsey as he walks toward her cell and stands in front of her. Lindsey: Help me out, Syd. One of the guards pulls out a hollow bladed knife and holds it up menacingly. Sydney: Wait! Lindsey: There's no time to wait. Lindsey nods toward the guard and the guard stabs Campbell in the upper leg. He drops to his knees in pain and screams. Sydney: You son of a b****! Leave him alone! He's got nothing to do with this! You leave him alone! Linsday (talking over Sydney): You can stop this by deciphering the code. Sydney: He has nothing to do with this! I will kill you for this! The guards stab Campbell in the stomach. Sydney: Oh my God! Okay, stop..stop I'll tell you what it says. (beat, Lindsey looks at her expectantly) They're coordinates. Lindsey: To what? Sydney: I don't know. For the hundredth time, I don't remember anything about those two years. All I can tell you is what they are. Lindsey: Tell me. Sydney looks over at Campbell, sobbing with pain. Sydney (her eyes on Campbell): North 34 degrees, 09 minutes, 55.9 seconds; (her voice rising with distress) West 118 degrees, 17 minutes, 15.3 seconds! Lindsey looks toward Campbell's cell, and nods. Lindsey: Get a team prepped. The guards drop Campbell's arms and walk away. The camera stays on Campbell, then back to Lindsey who is still looking at him. Lindsey (to Campbell): Well done. Cut back to Campbell and then to Sydney. “Campbell” straightens and stands, clearly not in any pain at all. Lindsey turns and gives Sydney a significant look. Sydney suddenly realizes she's been duped. Sydney: Oh my God Oh God “Campbell” comes out of the cell and faces her. Campbell: I'm not Campbell; I'm Shaptner. Your personality profile revealed your one major weakness: empathetic suffering is harder for you to sustain than physical torture. Cut to Sydney, crying. Campbell: So thanks for carin'. “Campbell” turns and walks away. Lindsey: There's just one procedure left, Agent Bristow. We'll have the neurostimulation prepped in about an hour and we'll finally know what happened to you in the last two years. Focus in on Sydney's face through the bars. She's crying and she lets out one gasping sob. Cut to black. End of Act Four. [SCENE_BREAK] Pan up from a drill-like machine to a man's hand holding a device, to Dr. Vasson's smirking face. Vasson: This is a cranial shunt. After I drill a hole in your skull, I'll use it to drain the water from your brain panel. Cut to Sydney, whose head is being affixed with a metal plate across her forehead. She is trying to maintain her composure in the face of this horror. Cut to Lindsey, leaning against the wall, blank faced, watching. Vasson: Once you're unconscious, we'll remove your skull cap and begin neurostimulation. Cut to a military type transport truck driving down a road at night. Cut to interior of truck back where Jack, Vaughn, Brill and his team are riding. All are dressed in black. Jack: We have an operative inside who will gain access to the security room and initiate a reverse lockdown protocol, thereby containing the bulk of the MPs in their patrol areas. Brill: Once entry is made, we'll proceed to the restricted cellblock where Agent Bristow is being held. (to Jack and Vaughn) Hope your man inside knows what he's doing. Vaughn: She does. Cut to Lauren being let into the security room by an MP. MP: I have Lauren Reed here to see Director Lindsey. MP#2: Wait here. I'll let him know you're on base. MP and MP#2 leave room, leaving Lauren alone with a lone MP across the room, watching security cameras. Lauren sits down on the counter right next to the control box and surreptitiously connects a device to the side of it and activates it. Cut to the exterior entry to Camp Williams, still locked and being guarded by two guards. Brill: I hate to ask the obvious, but what's taking so long? Jack: The override program has to be placed within five inches of the central control station. Once that happens, it'll lockdown the internal doors and open that main gate. Then we move. Cut to the security room where Lauren is still waiting. The back door opens and in walks Shaptner (aka Campbell) now wearing a sharp three piece suit. Shaptner (to MP#3): I'm gonna need a chopper to Fort Lewis. MP#3: Yes, Sir. I'll check with the duty officer. Shaptner approaches Lauren with a knowing smile on his face. Shaptner: Lauren Reed Director Lindsey's told me all about you; says you're gonna write a stellar report for us He shakes Lauren's hand, which she returns reluctantly. Suddenly, the security monitor loses picture. Shaptner turns around to look at the snowy screen as Lauren looks worried. Cut to the exterior of Camp Williams main gate as the access door begins to open. Brill lifts his rifle and aims. Brill: Okay, here we go. Brill fires tranq darts into the two guards at the gate. They drop to the ground and then the team, with face masks on, climbs down the hill and enters Camp Williams. Cut back to the control room. Shaptner (offscreen to MP#3): What is it? MP#3 taps on the computer keyboard; nothing changes. The picture is still just snow. MP#3: Something's overriding the system. Shaptner heads toward the door he came into, but finds it's locked. He turns suddenly and stalks across the room at Lauren. Shaptner: What did you do!? Lauren: Nothing. Shaptner punches Lauren right across the face. She falls into the table she'd just been sitting on and falls to the floor, apparently unconscious. Cut to the team, entering the restricted cellblock. Brill: Secure the perimeter. We can't afford to have any hostiles on this floor. Cut back to Shaptner and the MP#3 in the control room. Shaptner is trying to hotwire the door open. It works, and he enters the hallway. Cut to Vaughn tranqing a guard as Jack runs down the narrow corridor toward the end cell where Sydney was being held. Jack: She's not here! Cut to Lindsey and then pan to Dr. Vasson's hand, holding a facemask. He slowly, almost sickly lovingly starts to place the mask over Sydney's nose and mouth, when the door to the room blasts open. Vaughn takes out the MP in the room, while Jack gets Lindsey right in the chest with his dart. Vaughn gets Dr. Vasson and then bends over and starts undoing the restraint on Sydney's right wrist. Jack starts undoing the restraints on her ankles. Once Sydney's hand is free, she brushes at the clamp that held her head in place, as if eager to get the heck out of there. Jack looks up and then suddenly Jack: Sydney! Cut to Dr. Vasson wobbling to his feet, aiming a gun right at Sydney and about to shoot. Sydney reaches for a scalpel with her freed right hand from the table beside her and whips it at him. It gets him right in the throat and he falls over. Vaughn and Jack pull Sydney up from the table as she's still coughing from the little effect she'd had from the sedative. Jack pulls his mask up so Sydney can see his face. Jack: Sydney Sydney: Dad! Jack helps her to her feet and puts her arm across his shoulder to help her out. Jack: Sydney, you're all right, sweetheart. You're all right. Cut to the team and Sydney running down a cellblock hallway. They turn a corner and suddenly at the end of the hallway appears Shaptner from around the corner, shooting at them (with a real gun as opposed to tranqs, I might add...) Team members take cover and attempt to fire back. Shaptner appears to have the upper hand when suddenly, he is shot from beside him and he collapses to the ground. The camera pans sideways until it rests on Lauren, in shock, the gun she just used dangling loosely from her fingertips as she lowers it. Cut to a heliocopter on the landing pad and pan to the team running toward it for their escape. The pilots door swings open and there is Arvin Sloane waving the team toward him. Sydney looks back at her father in confused shock. Jack: He's with us; get in! Sydney and the rest of the team gets on the chopper as Sloane gives them a hand up. Brill's team leaves in the same convoy truck they came in. The helicopter takes off as the truck drives away. Sydney stares listlessly out the window. Cut to Lauren sitting with Vaughn. Lauren has both her hands on her chest. She appears to be in total shock over just having killed someone. Vaughn looks on worriedly. Cut to Jack, watching Sydney with concern. Sydney: They wanted a code deciphered That's what all this was about; a code. Jack: Well, what was it? Sydney: Coordinates. I gave Lindsey the wrong coordinates; I didn't know what to do. Jack puts his arm around Sydney and pulls her to rest her head on his shoulder. Jack: You made it, Sydney (beat) You made it. Jack turns his head and looking back is Sloane, who appears to be showing true happiness and almost triumphant pride at the reunion of father and daughter. Cut back to Sydney and Jack. Camera pulls in on Sydney's desolate, exhausted face as she closes her eyes wearily. Fade to black. End of Act Five

The National Security Council assumes control of the Task Force, with Lindsey replacing Dixon. Sydney is taken to Camp Williams, an NSC detention center used for interrogation of terrorists, and is subjected to shock therapy to coerce her into decoding a message found in her Rome apartment. Her attempt to escape fails. Jack and Vaughn organize a rescue team with help from Sloane. They obtain blueprints of Camp Williams by infiltrating a Federal Emergency Managementfacility but Sloane is shot in the escape. Jack operates on Sloane to remove the bullet. Lindsey blackmails Vaughn's wife, Lauren, into filing a false report on Sydney's interrogation under the threat of blackmail regarding Vaughn's involvement in Sydney's earlier escape. Sydney is persuaded to reveal the contents of the message when a fellow inmate is tortured. However, the inmate is then revealed to be working for the NSC, who know that empathetic suffering is harder for Sydney to sustain than physical torture. Marshall attempts to obtain access codes for Camp Williams, but they have mysteriously been deleted. With Lauren's help, the extraction team infiltrate the Camp just as Dr Vasson is about to fatally operate on Sydney to obtain information about her missing two years. Lauren helps them rescue Sydney, who reveals that she gave fake coordinates to Lindsey.

fd_Heartland_08x04

fd_Heartland_08x04_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Lou: I think starbright is a really good fit for her. (Quietly) Because it'll give her a chance to catch up. Catch up? Ms. Wadsworth doesn't think that Katie is ready. She's beautiful. Bob: She's nearing the end of her pregnancy. I like you, Ty, you impress me. Ah, well, you know I already have a job. Well, with this grant I can match what Scott pays. You really gonna do this? You left me no choice. I saw the video, Amy. I saw you kissing Ahmed. I'm not working for Ahmed anymore. So come on, let's take it for a spin before I have to ship it back. (Truck roars) Ty: Whooo! Amy: I'll see you tonight? Ty: Absolutely. (Small laugh) You know, maybe you could just tell Bob Granger that you thought you start work tomorrow not today. Amy: Right? Ty: No... I gotta go. Amy: Okay. We'll see you tonight. Ty: Okay. See ya. Amy: Bye. (Truck door shuts) (Engine starts and hums) (Ty honks) (Hooves thunder) Sandra: Okay. Go easy! That's it, Georgie! Okay. Not bad. Do you wanna work on your "backward thunder"? Georgie: Yeah sure. (Georgie clicks her tongue) (Grunts with effort) I messed up at the end. Can I go again? Sandra: Sorry, Georgie, you've run out of time. There's another girl signed up. But I only had a half hour. Can I just have ten more minutes? Please? I'm never gonna get the practice time I need to audition for the extreme team. Sandra: I can't keep my students waiting. And you've still got plenty of time to get ready for that audition. Don't stress. (Gate clanks and squeaks open) Olivia: Are you finally finished? Georgie: What are you doing here? Olivia: What do you think? I'm taking lessons just like you. Only, Sandra gives me private ones. She says I'm a natural. (Truck rumbles up) Tim: Hi. Casey: Hey Tim! Tim: I heard you were pulling out of town. Casey: Yeah. I got a string of rodeos from longview right through to Southern Montana. So... I'll be gone for a few weeks. Tim: Well, we never got that lunch we talked about. Casey: Well, you never asked so... (Surprised laugh) Tim: This is me asking. (Laughs) Well, that sounds good. Tim: Okay. Casey: Name the date. Tim: Okay. Casey: No pressure. (Laughs) Bye! Lou: Surely the doctor can see her before then? I mean, four months? That's crazy... No. I-I appreciate that you have a waiting list but... but what if there is a cancellation? Yes. No, please, please do let me know. Thank you. Four month wait. Can you believe that? Peter: You know, just because some know it all principal at an overpriced preschool thinks she's not ready does not mean there is anything wrong with our daughter, sweetheart. Lou: Dr. Lauder is the best special education psychologist in the field, honey. I mean, there's no harm in checking, right? Peter: Okay. Yeah, absolutely. I won't mention it again. Lou: How was your class? Jack: Wrong question. Georgie: It sucked! Lou: Hey language... Georgie: Okay. Well, it did. And I barely had any time on Chaplin. And too many people signed up so there weren't enough horses. Oh, and guess who's taking private lessons with Sandra? Georgie: Guess! Lou: I-I don't know. Georgie: Olivia! Lou: Olivia. Great. Georgie: Yep. She couldn't stand that I was doing something she wasn't. So she just had to signed up. And that was the only reason she signed up. Agh. I'm so mad! Hi Katie. Katie: Hi. (Phone rings) Lou: Grandpa, it might be the clinic... Jack: Hello. Hang on, is Amy...? Lou: No. She rode over to Ty's. She'll be back soon. Jack: No, I'm sorry she's riding her horse back from Ty's place. But I'm sure she won't be that long. Right. Have a good one. Who was it? You will never guess. (Hooves thud) (Horse snorts) (Hooves thunder) Ahmed: Hello. I was hoping I would run into you. You look beautiful. S08E04 ♪ And at the break of day you sank into your dream ♪ ♪ You dreamer ♪ oh-oh-oh... ♪ You dreamer ♪ you dreamer Amy: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in Europe with the rest of your team? Ahmed: It's a pleasure to see you too. Amy: (Scoff) I'm sorry it's just... Ahmed: I was compelled to come back. What else could I do? You were ignoring all my emails and texts. Well... Ahmed: And then the truck. I don't understand why you would return the truck. It was a bonus for all your hard work. It was too big of a gesture. I wasn't comfortable with it. Ahmed: It would have been valuable when we are back working at Hillhurst. You wouldn't always be depending on other peoples' vehicles. I'm not coming back to work at Hillhurst. I told you that. No. You said you weren't coming back to the tour. That's not what I said. Now you're saying you don't want to be my head trainer here at Hillhurst? Not possible. Of course you are staying on. No. I'm not. I thought you understood. Why would you walk away from something you excelled at, that you enjoyed. Ahmed, you know why... All right. I admit the circumstances were slightly awkward... before you left France... You're just tired from the tour. When you have time to relax, rethink, you will see things more clearly. Amy: Ahmed... Ahmed: Can I at least accompany you home? (Frustrated sigh) Sure. (Door creaks open) (Birds chirping, howling) Bob: I am freaking out here, man. Four new animals have been dropped off since yesterday! Four! A bear cub that turned up in someone's garbage. Two coyote cubs, and a porcupine that we gotta check for rabies. Ty: Absolutely. Yeah. Bob: Oh, and hey, see that feed shipment that just arrived? Take care of that. Also the llama fence over there looks like the side is sagging. If it is, fix it. Ty: Yeah, I can handle that. Bob: Oh and on top of everything else, the pregnant wolf is about to pop. So take a look at her for me? Will do. Bob: Thanks, bud. Lou: Yes, but are you sure that's necessary? Because I'd really like to see Dr. Lauder not... I understand. Yes, thank you. Tim: Hi. Lou: Oh hi. Dad. Okay, so apparently she should see a special education evaluator if we can't get an appointment with Dr. Lauder. What do you think? Tim: What? Lou: A special education evaluator. It's for Katie. Tim: Oh. Listen, you two, don't stress this. There is nothing wrong with my grand daughter. Thank you, Tim. I couldn't agree more. Tim: That's gotta be a first, general. Tim: Lou. Tim: Ahmed is back. Lou: What?! Now that is a relationship worth nurturing. Lou: Yes, so you've said. Dad. Dad, come back here! Dad... Just wait a second. Tim: Ahmed! Good to see you! Congratulations on a successful tour. Ahmed: Our success was greatly due to your daughter's expertise. Well, I think it calls for a celebration. Why don't join us for dinner tonight? What's do you say? Is it okay, Lou? Ahmed: I would love to, but I will have to take... what do you call it? A rain check. Another evening would be wonderful. Huh. Ahmed: I will talk to you soon, Amy. Ha. Amy: Georgie is that a trick ridding saddle on Phoenix? There's no way. Phoenix is a great horse but he's not a trick riding horse. Phoenix can do anything. Including trick riding. So, Ahmed is back. That's just great, isn't it? Amy: Georgie! You are not trick riding on Phoenix! Georgie: Relax. I'm just getting him used to the saddle! Tim: Lou. Lou. I don't understand why you're ticked off with me for inviting Ahmed to dinner? Lou: Because, it's just... Tim: It's-it's what? It's not very hospitable. Lou: What? I'm not prepared to invite a prince to dinner at the last minute, okay? Tim: I don't-I don't think he'd care, okay? The guy- he's down to earth. Jack: Yeah. For a guy who owns a private jet. Tim: Let's not forget how kind he wad to Amy when she was injured. He was very, very generous. We should all remember that. So I don't see what the problem is. Georgie: Good boy, Phoenix. You like this saddle, don't you? (Phoenix snorts) Whoa! Oof! Amy: Georgie! Come on now, you said you weren't gonna do a trick! You could have really hurt yourself or Phoenix! Georgie: Okay! Okay! Amy: No. It's not okay! You need to learn to think before you make these crazy decisions! Georgie: You should talk. (Georgie clicks her tongue, Phoenix snorts) Amy: You know I'm right. Georgie: You have to talk to Sandra! Maybe she can give me some extra time on Chaplin after school or something. Peter: You got a lot going on after school already. Georgie: Well, I need to practice time or else I'm not gonna make the extreme team. Please can I have private lessons, like Olivia? Peter: No. You can't because we can't afford it, Georgie, okay? And you have to understand that things aren't always gonna go the way you want them to, all right? Georgie: Obviously. (Bowl clanks on the floor) Peter: Oops! Katie: Can you pick up my plate, please! Ty: Sorry, I'm late, everyone. Lou: Honey, it's a bowl. Can you say, pick up my bowl? I just come straight from work, I didn't have time to change there. Amy: How did it go? Ty: It was great! The place is amazing! It's a little disorganized. Nothing we can't whip into shape. I got to baby-sit a bear cub today. Oh, that's what I'm smelling. (Laughs) Georgie: How is the wolf? Ty: She's about ready to have her babies. Yeah-oh, I forgot to look at the llama fence today! Georgie: What? Ty: Shoot! I have to do that tomorrow. Georgie: They have lamas? Ty: Yeah. They do. Georgie: I love lamas. They spit! (Laughing) Tim: So Amy, honey, what's your plan? Amy: What do you mean my plan? Tim: Well, Ahmed is back. So what-what's your plan? Are you gonna head up to Hillhurst? Ty: Ahmed is back in town? I thought he was in Europe with his team. Lou: Does anyone want seconds on the salad? Amy: I'm okay. Tim: I tell you, the guy - he is so friendly, huh? Wasn't he this afternoon? Ty: Oh, you saw him today? Amy: Uh, yeah, I ran into him on the way back from your place. You know what? I made pie. Who's up for coffee and pie? (Screen door creaks shut) Ty: So Ahmed... What was that about? Amy: (Heavy exhale) Take a guess. Ty: He came all the way back here to try and talk you out of your decision? Amy: Yeah. But I set him straight. Ty: That's my girl. Stick to your guns. Ty: I'll call you tomorrow. I gotta work late so I might miss dinner. Amy: Okay. (SUV rumbles) (Knock on door) Jack: Come in. Jack: Ahmed. Welcome back! Ahmed: Hello. Thank you. Jack: Look who's here. Hello. I'm on my way to an auction in Black Diamond. I would love you to come with me. Look over the horses I'm interested in. Give me advice. Jack: Amy's got a great eye that's for sure. Amy: Ah, it's just you know, I can't. I have chores pilling up. Jack: Oh, I'll do your work for you. You should go. Catch up on the tour news. It's just-it's a little short-notice... You know, I'm not ready. Take your time. Okay. Uh, yeah. I'll just need a few minutes. Ahmed, would you mind if Ty came? Ahmed: Not at all. Amy: He's just really good at auctions. Jack: Yeah. Ahmed: I'll wait for you outside. Amy: Okay. Nice to see you, Mr. Bartlett. Jack: You too. Have fun. Ahmed: Thank you. (Door shuts, dialing beeps) Ahmed: There's one animal in particular that is interesting to me. A belgian warmblood. Incredible lineage. I look forward to your opinion. Amy: Yeah, of course. Amy: So... did I tell you about the new business that Ty has started? He and a partner are buying rodeo prospect horses. and training them. They're actually really good at it. I've been helping train some of the horses. (Phone chimes) Excuse me. (Phone beeps on) Hello, Ty. Ty: I can't meet you. Bob just called. He's got called out on an emergency pick up. So I need to go into work right now. I'm sorry. But you can deal with him though, right? Amy: Yeah. Of course. Absolutely. I love you. Ty: Okay. Love you. Ahmed: Everything all right? Amy: Yeah, um, Ty just can't come. He got called into work. (Door slams shut) All I remember is it was crazy back than. Casey: Well, you were crazy. You had partied and rodeoed and then partied some more. Thanks for this, by the way. This is so much better than a restaurant. Tim: From a restaurant. (Casey giggles) Casey: So that year... You just won your 3rd consecutive all round cowboy trophy, right? (Chuckles) Oh. Your 4th? Who's counting? Do you remember that big dance after stampede? And nobody went home until noon the next day. Tim: Yeah, yeah. I don't remember that. (Casey chuckles) You know what I remember? And what I miss? It's the atmosphere. You know, once that gets in your blood... Casey: Well, if you really do miss it, maybe you should come with me on my rodeo tour. (Chuckles) That atmosphere still exists. There's nothing like it. I don't know. Lou: There was a cancellation? Fantastic. No. Absolutely, we can make it. Thank you for letting me know. Peter: Here we go. Dr. Lauder's office, there is a cancellation. Peter: I gathered that. Lou: They can see Katie in an hour. Honey, he is so hard to get into. You know he has a huge- Peter: Waiting list. Yeah, I know you told me. Um, I guess that's why he's the best. Lou: I'm just saying, he can give us a reliable opinion on Katie. I don't see why you're fighting me on this? He's a really good doctor. Katie: No doctor! Lou: Katie? Katie! Honey... (Katie slams the door) Ty: Oh great. They're out! C'mon, guys! Go this way! No. No. No. No! Here we go! Here we go! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! It's okay. (Llama spits) Oh! What was that?! Aghhh! [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: Oh! Oh! You missed your turn. The auction is that way. Ahmed: We're going to make a small detour. I have something else I need your advice on. Lou: Come on, Katie, we really have to go now. Katie: No, mamma. Lou: (Sighs) Okay. Honey, it's gonna be really, really fun. You can colour pictures and play with toys. Katie: No needles. Lou: No needles. I promise. Lou: Look. You can bring Mookie if you want. Do you wanna bring Mookie? Katie please. (Sighs) (Hooves thunder) Sandra: Nice work! All right, Georgie, you're up. Georgie: All right. (Clicks tongue) (Hooves thunder) Sandra: That was great! You're doing really well. Now with just a little bit more practice... That's the problem. I can't practice. It's not that I don't have the time. It's that I don't have a horse. Chaplin isn't available very often. I know. But what can I say? He's a popular horse, Georgie. All the girls want their lessons on him. Olivia: Nice, huh? My dad just got him for me yesterday. His name is winner and that's just what I intend on doing. (SUV rumbles) (Buttons click) (Tires crunch) (Birds chirp) Amy: Wow. Is this a hotel? Ahmed: No. No. A private residence. What do you think? Amy: It's amazing... It's huge... Ahmed: Not really. Just over 13,000 square feet. I'm thinking of buying it. I'd be glad to get your honest opinion about it. You know I value it on everything... not just auction horses. Hmm? Come. I want to show you around. It's quite impressive. Amy: Yeah. Ahmed: 147 acres. Totally private. Took them years to landscape it. Everything had to be brought in. Apparently in the summer this is a massive rose garden. The best in Alberta I'm told. And the views are spectacular. Don't you think? Amy: It's beautiful. I've really never seen anything like it. Your house in France is incredible. It is. But I feel the need to put down some roots here as well. And I'll show you the inside too. And the stables. I think you will love the stables. I'm happy to see you're wearing my necklace. Well, this is from the team. No, it was from me. I bought it alone for you. You see, Amy. I want to give you things. I've never wanted to give anything to any other person in my life. Ahmed, please... Ahmed: No. Hear me out. I'm a man who has been accused of being... unfeeling. I'm not proud of it. It was simply the way I was raised. Emotion doesn't come easily to me. But I know it now. How it feels. And I must tell you because I'm not sure I will ever feel this way again. Amy: Ahmed... Ahmed: No. It has to be said. You have to know. I'm in love with you. You see, Amy... I've been feeling this way for a very, very long time. Amy, please, listen to me. You are the only woman ever in my life that I can be completely myself with. The only woman that will tell me the truth about myself. The only woman I have ever had feelings for in such a strong undeniable way. Amy: Ahmed, I'm flattered. I really am, but this can't happen, okay? We can be friends, but-but that's it. I'm engaged. I'm in love with Ty. Ahmed: Are you? Amy: Yes! Ahmed: Then why did you kiss me? Amy: I-I didn't kiss you. You kissed me. You gave me every reason to. I don't make a habit of kissing random girls. Amy: If I gave you that impression, I am sorry. But I thought I made it perfectly clear that night how I felt. That we are friends and team mates, and nothing more. You know, Ahmed, I really enjoyed and valued our relationship, but given the circumstances, we need to end this. Look, I think it's fair to either of us to continue. I need some distance. Some distance. All right. Of course. I understand. Amy: Do you? Ahmed: Yes. I will drive you home. (Wolf groans in discomfort) Ty: Whoa, whoa, easy girl. Easy. I'm not gonna hurt you. She's fighting me a bit. That's a good sign. She's got her strength back. She's hydrated. And she's looking a lot better than when I first saw her. Bob: I know. Well, that's why I hired you. Hey... good girl. (Panting) Lou: So you were pretty quiet the whole way home. What did you think? Peter: Uh, that it was a complete waste of time and energy to be honest with you. We did it, right? So... Good. Find out soon. Lou: Okay? Hey honey... (SUV rumbles) Ahmed: I want you to know I meant every word I said. Perhaps you should take some time to think. Amy: I am sorry, but there's nothing for me to think about. Ahmed: Amy, I think you have to open your mind to life's possibilities. I know what I want in life. And I already have it. Goodbye Ahmed. Lou: He said that? He actually said that he loved you? Amy: Yes. He did! Lou: Oh Amy... Amy: Lou, I know I never gave him any signs that we were more than just co-workers, or friends... I don't think I did anything to lead him on. And I've asked myself that over and over again. Look, we were friends, okay? Just friends. And I told him that the night of the party. And I didn't think he listen to me. I don't think he listened to me today! I don't know what to do, okay? I have no idea. And... do I tell Ty? Lou: No! Do not tell Ty, okay? You've tried that in the past and it didn't work out. I know, but Lou... Amy, just deal with this Ahmed situation as swiftly and smoothly as you can on your own. Be firm with him and he will go away. And then everything will go back to normal. I want that. I just don't wanna hurt Ty. You know, I love him so much. And I don't want... (Georgie sobs) Lou: You know Ahmed is just used to getting exactly what he wants. Don't worry, okay? Georgie: It's all my fault. Lou: No! Georgie! (Georgie slams door) Peter: What's that all about? Lou: Pour me a glass of wine and I'll tell you all about it. (Sobbing) Amy: Georgie. Hey... There's no reason to cry. It's not your fault. Georgie: Yes it is. Amy: How? Georgie: Because I was the one who found the video. Amy: You did? Georgie: Yes, I followed your tour online. And it was on some stupid blog. Amy: But I thought Lou... Georgie: I'm the one who showed her... And I should have kept it to myself! I am so sorry. Amy: No. You have no reason to apologize. Georgie: But I blamed you for what happened at that party. It was all that stupid Ahmed's fault. I am so sorry. Will you ever forgive me? Of course. It's okay. (Birds chirp) Jack: So how did the appointment go? Lou: The doctor said he would let us know. He seemed pretty noncommittal. Jack: Hmm. See, it's my opinion that you know, people they look at this stuff and get all wrought up about it before they even know if there is anything really wrong. Okay, grandpa... I have a sore knee today, Lou. And I bet if I looked up "sore knee" on the Internet I'd find a bunch of articles and opinions that end up making me think I have to have my whole damn leg cut off at the hip. I'm just arming myself, okay? In case... You're scaring yourself, Lou. If there's a problem, which I very much doubt, you and Peter, you'll work it out. We all will. A word to the wise... take that Internet stuff with the grain of salt. It betrays as much as it enlightens. Lou: Were there any messages on the home line? Georgie: Just one. From guess who? Olivia. Lou: What did she want? Georgie: I don't know, I didn't call her back. But did I tell you that her parents bought her her very own trick riding horse? Lou: Really? Well, that will free up some time on Chaplin. Georgie: Not really. I mean, there's a line up of kids waiting to ride Chaplin. So, she's got her own trick riding horse when I don't even have a trick horse to practice on. Lou: Honey... Ty: Hey there! Amy: Hey... Ty: Our mamma wolf is about to give birth tonight. So I might have to take off early. Amy: Oh, okay. Ty: This looks good. Amy: Uh... Hey, you don't happen to know a trick riding horse that's orphaned, do you? Ty: Hmm. I don't know. Maybe. I'll give Caleb a call. See what's he's got on the go. Georgie: Really? That'd be awesome! Tim: Hey, look who's coming to dinner! Well, now that you have all that experience from the tour, Amy I think you can name your price when it comes to training, but you owe a lot of thanks to Ahmed here. He's the one who took the leap of faith. It wasn't a leap of faith. I was quite confident that Amy had the knowledge and the personality to excel at being a head trainer. And I was proven right. I do hope that it increases the quality of your clientele, I also hope it will not interfere with the time you allow me at Hillhurst. Amy: Ahmed, I told you, that's not really part of my plan. Ty: I think Amy made it very clear, she isn't working for you anymore. She works with horses that really need her. Not the high end animals you deal with. She's getting back to her roots. Ahmed: Back to her roots... that's not the best plan for a profitable career. Ty: Well, I think that's Amy's business. Amy: Okay Ty. Ahmed: Well, I think that you should be encouraging her to move forward, not backward. Ty: I don't think it's your business to have an opinion at all. Tim: I don't-I don't think that Amy has made up her mind yet, have you, honey? Amy: Yes dad. I've made my decision. Tim: Well, Ahmed has been very generous. Georgie: Actually he's not generous! He's fake and a liar. You don't understand. Peter: Hey! Hey! Lou: That's enough... Peter: Georgie, stay out of it! He's pretending to be friends with all of us just so he can steal Amy away from Ty. Peter: Honey... Georgie: He told Amy he loved her, Ty. Amy: Oh... Georgie: He did! I hate you! Peter: Hey, Georgie. Excuse me. I got it. Ty: Okay, what is she talking about? Ahmed: I have no idea. Lou: Yes, you do. You know what? I've seen it from the first with you. Trying to buy Amy's love with fancy necklaces and trucks and horses. I'm sorry, but who do you think you are? Amy: Lou! No. Ahmed: Excuse me? Lou: No. No. You may think you're in love with my sister but you're not. Lou: If you did, you would respect Amy and Ty's relationship and not try to ruin it. Ty: Okay, what the heck is going on? Ahmed: Amy, tell him. Amy: Tell him what? I told you I quit, but you don't listen. Look, I ended our relationship. Ty: Relationship?! What relationship?! Amy: Whoa, whoa! Our working relationship... Ty-I have... Look, I quit a million times! But you only hear what you wanna hear! Jack: Think it would be a good idea if you left. Ahmed: Gladly. I certainly don't need to listen to this. Amy: No, Ty, just leave it. Hey, when did all this happen? Tell me! Ahmed: I don't need to answer to you. Ty: Oh, yes, you do. Was it right from the start? Was it when you gave her that damn saddle? Huh? Ty: Was it?! Ahmed: Don't touch me! Ty: Where do you get off telling her that you love her? Ahmed: Of course I love her. I would do anything for her. And you! All you do is hold her back. You will be the man that prevents her from a future you have no idea how to even imagine! She could have anything! You will stand in her way! (Forceful grunt) Amy: Ty! Ahmed: You can't do that to me! Ahmed: Oof! (Landing a punch) Ty: Yes, I can... Jack: C'mon now! Ease off... Ahmed: Get off me! Jack: Enough! Enough! (Gathering breaths) Ahmed: After all I did for you, this is how you want to leave things?! (Retreating footsteps) (Calming breaths) (Door slams, truck starts and rumbles away) Amy: Ty... Ty: What was that about? Were you ever gonna tell me? Amy: There was nothing to tell! It was all in his head! I don't even know what to say to you right now! You always do this to me. Amy: Do what? Ty: Secrets, Amy. You keep these damn secrets! Amy: Look, he thought that we were more than friends, I told him we weren't! It's not my fault! I can't help that he thought we were more than friends! Ty: I don't care what happened. I don't care, Amy! Amy: Nothing happened! Ty: Whatever did happen, you weren't about to tell me! And I had to face off with this damn idiot! When are you gonna be straight with me, Amy? Huh? I've just about had it! Amy: What do you mean by that? (Phone rings) (Beeps phone on) Ty: Bob. Okay. Yeah. I'm on my way. (Beeps phone off) The wolf is about to give birth. (Footsteps crunch) (Truck door slams) Amy: Ty! Wait! (Truck rumbles away) (Sighs) (Door slams shut) Lou: Honey, you okay? Georgie: I'm sorry, Amy. Lou: It's okay. Let's just give her some space, okay? (Door slams) Tim: I didn't know. Nobody told me a thing. You think I would have invited the guy for dinner? (Sighs) I didn't know, Jack. (Birds chirp) Ty: Easy. Her heart rate's dropping. (Wolf whimpers) Ty: Yeah. Her gums are pale too. Bob: She maybe be bleeding internally. Ty: Shift over. Bob: It's okay. It's okay. Easy now. (Wolf whimpers) Her pups are coming... Tim: Hey. Casey: Hey. Casey: For you. Tim: (Sighs) Thank you. Casey: You're welcome. (Tim sighs heavily) Casey: You okay? Tim: I messed up. Nobody... If I just known... You know, if people just... filled me in. Casey: Well, sometimes these things can't be helped. Tim: So were you serious when you asked if I... would go on a rodeo tour with you? Casey: Yeah. Yes, I was. Tim: All right. I'm going. Bob: At least we saved one of them. (Pup whimpers) (Phone rings) Hello. Oh yes. Really? That is good news. That is very good news. Uh, how did she score on her phonological processing? (Relived) Really? That good? Yes, thank you for calling. Bye. (Beeps phone off) Uh, that was Dr. Lauder's office, and um, Katie is fine, honey. She's just fine. Georgie: Wow! I can't believe it! Jack: Yep. Courtesy of Caleb. She how flashy she looks. Now this is a trick riding horse if ever I saw one. Georgie: Awww. Ty: I'm glad Caleb came through for you? Georgie: Thanks, Ty, so she's beautiful. Ty: I'm glad you like her. Can I just say something... It was me who saw the video. And I never should have told anyone about it. Ty: What video? Georgie: I-I thought Amy told you. Jack: In the barn. Amy: Ty! I tried to call you... I'm so, so sorry about last night. How's the wolf? Ty: We lost her. Amy: I'm sorry. Ty: Yeah. I don't get it. She seemed to be in pretty good shape. (Exhales) I did everything, but... I lost her. One of the pups survived. He seems to be doing fine. So far. Amy: There's something I think you should see, something that started this whole mess. Ty: Some video? Georgie just told me. Amy: I should have never kept it from you. Ty: I don't wanna see it. I don't want to see anything, Amy. Amy: No. I want you to see it. And right after that I pushed him away. And I told him that we were just friends. And I-I thought he got it. But like I said, Ahmed only hears what he wants to hear. Ty: Well, I guess I do too. Amy: What does that mean? Well, I guess I've been convincing myself that we're good. But I'm not so sure right now. Amy: Ty, we... we are good. Ty: Amy, listen to me. I have to say this, okay? You've changed. How have I changed? You just have. You're not the same girl. Yes, I am. I am the same. No. You're not. You used to be this girl who... You used to be this girl who would do anything to save a horse when everyone else was writing off as a lost cause. You rescued them. You fought for them. You fixed them! Where has that gone? Now you're just servicing rich people's horses. What is that? They don't need rescuing! They don't need you. And that video... I just watched a wolf and her pup die... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Ty: Now you're showing me this video with people partying, and living it up and... I guess that was your life over there. I just don't feel like I know you anymore... And now this Ahmed thing is... Amy: There was no Ahmed thing. (Sharp exhale) I think we need a break. We need to figure this out... on our own. No. Ty, come on! I love you so much. And I love you too... I do Amy. But we need some time to figure out what it is that we want. What you want. I know what I want. Maybe. But sometimes we lose things and no matter how hard we try to hold on or without even knowing it... we've lost it. No. No... Please... Ty no... ♪ And I... ♪ will swallow my pride ♪ You're the one that I love ♪ and I'm saying goodbye ♪ Say something I'm giving up on you ♪ ♪ And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you ♪ ♪ Anywhere, I would've followed you ♪ ♪ Ohhh-ohhh-ohhh... ♪ Say something I'm giving up on you ♪ Announcer: Heartbreak on heartland. What? It's not like he came to see me. Announcer: Now it's up to Georgie to put things right. It's all my fault. We're still good, right? Nothing's changed. Everything's changed. Announcer: An all-new heartland, next Sunday at 7:00 on CBC

The Prince arrives at Heartland and takes Amy to an auction. They detour to a house that the Prince would like to buy, and he declares his love for her. Lou and Peter take Katie to a special child's doctor to get her evaluated and are told that there is nothing wrong with her. Georgie finds out that Olivia is taking trick riding lessons and asks Ty to get her a trick riding horse so that she can practice more. At a family dinner that the Prince was invited to, Georgie tells everyone that the Prince told Amy that he loved her. This leads to Ty and the Prince getting in a fight. Amy and Ty then get into an argument, which leads to them having a 'break.'

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ARC OF INFINITY BY: JOHNNY BYRNE Part Two First Air Date: 5 January 1983 Running time: 24:42 [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: Take them away. [SCENE_BREAK] ZORAC: Each and every time the Doctor returns to Gallifrey there's violence. HEDIN: Perhaps it is we who should modify our approach. ZORAC: He resisted the guard! HEDIN: We send armed guards when a friendly face and a welcoming hand would have sufficed. Are you surprised that he resisted? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: He's hurt. He must have proper medical attention. MAXIL: He'll recover. MAXIL: The compound is guarded. If you try to leave again, my men will shoot to kill. See that the Doctor knows. [SCENE_BREAK] THALIA: Well, where is he? CASTELLAN: The Doctor tried to evade security. Some force had to be used. He'll be brought here as soon as he's recovered. THALIA: The situation is critical, Castellan. CASTELLAN: Of that fact I am more than aware. If I may pass? I must give my report to the Lord President. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Not the most welcoming return. NYSSA: They've taken the main space-time element. DOCTOR: That's the only way to keep me and the TARDIS here. NYSSA: What do we do now? DOCTOR: We need a link. Something to prove the connection between this creature and Gallifrey. NYSSA: And how are we going to find that? [SCENE_BREAK] CASTELLAN: Maxil. The Doctor is secure? MAXIL: Yes. CASTELLAN: The High Council wish to see him the moment he's recovered. And Maxil? See that he's there, or you answer to me. [SCENE_BREAK] TANNOY: KLM announces the arrival of the delayed flight from London. STUART: Excuse me. Tegan Jovanka? TEGAN: Yes. STUART: Robin Stuart. TEGAN: Oh. STUART: I'm a friend of Colin's. TEGAN: Hello. Colin told me you were travelling round together. Is he here? STUART: I'm afraid not. TEGAN: Oh. He is all right? STUART: Look, let's go into town and I'll tell you all about it, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: You're to come with us, Doctor. DOCTOR: There's no need for all the fire power. MAXIL: They have orders to kill at the slightest sign of resistance. DOCTOR: The Council Chamber, I suppose. MAXIL: Yes. DOCTOR: My companion is not involved in this. MAXIL: Move. My orders are to take you both. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Two coffees, please. TEGAN: When did you last see Colin? STUART: Well, it's difficult. TEGAN: What do you mean, difficult? STUART: It's hard to explain. He's disappeared. TEGAN: Disappeared? Couldn't he have just wandered off? STUART: You're not going to believe this. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Councillors. HEDIN: Doctor. A pleasure to see you again. DOCTOR: And you, Hedin. Nyssa, my old friend, Councillor Hedin. Councillors, my companion, Nyssa of Traken. THALIA: You are welcome to Gallifrey, Nyssa. NYSSA: Thank you. ZORAC: Well, Doctor, an unpleasant business, this. I'm sure you understand why the Lord President was forced to recall you. DOCTOR: Given the chance, I would have returned willingly. CASTELLAN: You've never proved as cooperative in the past. THALIA: If you remember, you were asked to return Romana, and you failed to do so. DOCTOR: Romana chose to stay in E-space. HEDIN: That's all past history. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, now that I'm here, Thalia, have you given any thought to what's happened? THALIA: There hasn't been much time, Doctor. DOCTOR: Has anyone checked to see if my biodata extracts have been removed from the Matrix, Castellan? CASTELLAN: What are you suggesting, Doctor? DOCTOR: I would have thought that was obvious. None of this could have happened unless the creature had that information. CASTELLAN: I should have thought the most important ZORAC: Councillors. The Lord President. BORUSA: You too have regenerated. DOCTOR: Indeed, President Borusa. BORUSA: And Nyssa of Traken, isn't it? Sorry to have kept you waiting. Please be seated, Councillors. BORUSA: This session of the High Council of Time Lords is now in progress. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: It's the sort of thing the Doctor gets up to. STUART: Doctor? TEGAN: A friend of mine. Have you reported this to the police? STUART: Of course, but do you think I could tell them the same story? TEGAN: Colin has disappeared. STUART: He's a foreign national, a hitchhiker. Unless there's proof of violence, they're not interested. It's the same in any country. TEGAN: We'll see about that. STUART: I can't get involved. What I've said is the truth, but I've lost my passport. I can't risk making a fuss. TEGAN: Marvellous, isn't it. First I lose my job. Not to worry, I think. I'll go and see my favourite cousin, cheer myself up. Now this. STUART: I'm sorry. What do you want to do? TEGAN: Tell me your story again, every detail. Then we'll go to the police. It's all right. I'll handle it alone. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: The space-time parameters of the Matrix have been invaded by a creature from the anti-matter world. We know its composition and how unstable is the magnetism that shields it. The creature must be expelled immediately if we are to avert disaster. DOCTOR: Without knowing its purpose here. BORUSA: Its presence here must be our first concern. Anti-matter cannot co-exist in harmony in our universe. DOCTOR: Lord President, this creature is here now because it bonded with me. To do so it needed something very special, full and precise details of my biological makeup. Now, I didn't pass this information on. Somebody did. The question is who. CASTELLAN: We considered this, Doctor, but the implications are quite preposterous. DOCTOR: Chancellor, can bonding occur without the full imprint of a so-called bioscan? THALIA: Not to my knowledge. But the power of this creature is outside the limits of what we know, Doctor. DOCTOR: Lord President, I ask for time to have this fully investigated. BORUSA: I'm sorry, Doctor, but we must deal with the situation as it exists now. The time factor involved leaves only one course of action open to us. Commander! BORUSA: You know that capital punishment has long been abolished here in Gallifrey, but there is a precedent for a situation like this. Have you nothing further to say, Doctor? DOCTOR: I have a great deal to say. NYSSA: You can't do this! You must destroy the creature. BORUSA: Child, do you think we have not considered this? The creature is shielded. We have no way of tracing it. NYSSA: So you're prepared to kill the Doctor? BORUSA: Commander! Remove the Doctor to the security compound. As soon as the warrant is issued, you will convey him to a place of termination. I'm sorry, Doctor. NYSSA: No! You can't! DOCTOR: Executing me will not alter the fact there's a traitor at work on Gallifrey! [SCENE_BREAK] STUART: What did they say? TEGAN: Foreigners get themselves lost all the time. They'll make routine enquiries. Which means, as you said, they'll do nothing. STUART: Did you tell them about the crypt? TEGAN: Only that Colin was last seen there. STUART: So what now? We can't just abandon Colin. TEGAN: You are telling me the truth? STUART: Yes, I am. TEGAN: Let's see if we can find Colin ourselves. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Time Lords, I beg of you, think what you're doing. The creature knew the TARDIS' location, time zone coordinates, bioscan. That information could only have come from here, from Gallifrey. CASTELLAN: Only the High Council of Time Lords can extract such data from the Matrix. You too accuse us of treason. NYSSA: Can you deny the possibility? At least give the Doctor time. BORUSA: There is no time, nor can proof of what you say change things. We must prevent the full bonding. NYSSA: But the Doctor is innocent. THALIA: What would you have us do? Spare the Doctor and condemn untold billions to destruction? That is the choice we face here. [SCENE_BREAK] DAMON: Doctor. DOCTOR: Damon! MAXIL: I must speak to the Doctor. DOCTOR: He is a friend of mine. MAXIL: I have my orders. DOCTOR: You don't have to relish them so much. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: We have listened to what you say, but the decision must stand. HEDIN: Lord President, in view of what she says, couldn't we at least delay carrying out the judgement? THALIA: We can't risk it, Hedin. ZORAC: We're sorry, child, but truly there's no other choice. NYSSA: So much for your justice. CASTELLAN: All that remains is the warrant of termination. The precise wording should be in the Matrix. HEDIN: What would we do without your diligence. BORUSA: This session of the High Council is now adjourned. [SCENE_BREAK] DAMON: Nyssa of Traken, I am Damon, a friend of the Doctor's. We must talk, but not here. [SCENE_BREAK] HEDIN: Castellan. HEDIN: I'm worried by what both the Doctor and his companion have said. CASTELLAN: The possible connection between this creature and Gallifrey? HEDIN: Yes. And the fact that a Time Lord could be a traitor. You do intend to pursue it? CASTELLAN: They were both overwrought. HEDIN: But if it were true CASTELLAN: I'm sure I'd know if such a serious breach of security had occurred. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: You're sure it was the Doctor's biodata extract? DAMON: Yes, I managed to pass it to him on his way to the compound. NYSSA: We must tell the High Council immediately. DAMON: But who to trust? Only members of the High Council have access to biodata information. NYSSA: We must find a way to speak to the Doctor. DAMON: That could be difficult. He's closely confined. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME LORD: The Doctor is to be terminated. OMEGA: Good. You are prepared? TIME LORD: Yes. The Matrix is already programmed. [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: You wanted to see me? DOCTOR: Your guards will not allow me to leave the console room. MAXIL: They have their orders. DOCTOR: If I'm to die, I want to prepare myself mentally. For that I need to be alone. MAXIL: Which is the nearest room? DOCTOR: My companion's. It has already been searched. MAXIL: Then you may withdraw. But be sensible, Doctor. If you try to lose yourself in the corridors of the TARDIS, my men will hunt you down, and your death will be far from dignified and painless. [SCENE_BREAK] HEDIN: Nyssa, Damon. NYSSA: We had to see you, Councillor. HEDIN: I'm deeply sorry for what has happened. NYSSA: Councillor Hedin, we need your help. HEDIN: Anything I can do. NYSSA: We must see the Doctor. Can you arrange it? HEDIN: Difficult. The Castellan is very possessive about his charges. DAMON: The Doctor isn't a criminal. HEDIN: True, but what has happened makes him very dangerous. NYSSA: Please, try. HEDIN: I said difficult, Nyssa, but not impossible. Especially with one so sensitive to public opinion as the Castellan is. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: My bioscan. [SCENE_BREAK] STUART: I just don't think it's wise, that's all. TEGAN: I'm not scared to go into that crypt, if that's what you mean. STUART: Look, I feel bad enough about Colin. What if something happens to you? TEGAN: Don't worry on my account. How much further is it? STUART: Just over the next bridge. [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: Wait here. DAMON: I feel there is something wrong. NYSSA: What? DAMON: The Castellan agreed too quickly to our visiting the Doctor. Even if he knows he can't refuse, he always attempts to make it appear he's granting you permission. I mean, that's the Castellan's way. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: So soon? What about my appeal? [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: You have visitors, Doctor. NYSSA: Doctor. DOCTOR: How did you get in here? NYSSA: Councillor Hedin arranged it with the Castellan. DOCTOR: Well, that's very generous of the Castellan. Come, we'll walk while we speak. MAXIL: You're to talk here, where I can see you. DAMON: Castellan said we might be alone. DOCTOR: Excellent. Well, Damon, what news of my old companion Leela? [SCENE_BREAK] DAMON (OOV.): Er, she's, she's well, and very happy. DOCTOR (OOV.): I was so sorry to miss her wedding. Still, perhaps I'll get to see her before I (out of range) CASTELLAN: You're a fool, Maxil. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: In here. Maxil has just planted a listening device in the console room. Well now, we have proof my biodata extract was removed from the Matrix. NYSSA: So there is a traitor. DOCTOR: Indeed. And a disaster in the making. Unless I'm mistaken, Gallifrey could lose control of the space-time Matrix. DAMON: But that's impossible. DOCTOR: That's exactly what the High Council think. So, we must see what we can do to stop it happening. Look, Damon, I know you've already risked a great deal for me, but could I impose on you a little further? DAMON: Anything. DOCTOR: I need another space-time element for the TARDIS. Preferably without a recall circuit. DAMON: I'll see what I can do. Anything else? DOCTOR: Yes. You could check to see if the Matrix is aware of any details concerning power equipment, movement, transportation. DAMON: Right. DOCTOR: Well, Commander, our time is up so soon. Well, Nyssa, that's my final word. No appeals. We must accept the decision of the High Council. Understood? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: This is it? STUART: Yes. The entrance to the crypt is over there, behind the fountain, but I found a back way in behind the house. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: It's impressive. DAMON: We must hurry. I must first check the coding for a Type Forty time rotor. [SCENE_BREAK] CASTELLAN: Well? MAXIL: All is in order, Castellan. CASTELLAN: No appeals? No last minute requests? MAXIL: Nothing. The Doctor seems to be taking it quite well, in fact. CASTELLAN: You are extremely privileged, Maxil. It's given to very few to supervise the destruction of a Time Lord. It has in fact only happened once before. MAXIL: The warrant is issued? CASTELLAN: Yes. Summon the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME LORD: It is time, my friend. The Council have been summoned to the place of termination. You have little time. Can you do it? OMEGA: All will be ready here. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA: Do precisely as you have been instructed. To the controls. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: What is it? DAMON: The alert. The Doctor is being taken to the place of termination. We're too late. NYSSA: They'll execute him now, this instant? DAMON: Yes. DAMON: No, Nyssa. Look, you can't stop them now. NYSSA: Help me! DAMON: Please, Nyssa, please. You'll die too. NYSSA: We can't fail him, Damon. You finish assembling the time element. Now please, I want this thing open. DAMON: It's madness. NYSSA: You must get to the TARDIS and fit the element into place. If all goes well, we'll need to leave in a hurry. DAMON: Be careful and, and good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I trust you know what you are doing? BORUSA: You know the choice we have to face, Doctor. Our duty, if not our conscience, is clear. DOCTOR: And the decision was unanimous? BORUSA: There was one dissenter, your good friend Councillor Hedin. DOCTOR: Thank you, Hedin. I much appreciate all you've done. BORUSA: By the authority vested in me as laid down by Rassilon, I, Lord President Borusa, and in harmony with the majority of the Time Lords here present, we are resolved [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Halt! [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: By reason of cruel but unavoidable necessity, we have no recourse but to exercise the final sanction of termination. Commander Maxil, this warrant empowers you to carry out judgement. MAXIL: Guards, bring the Doctor forward. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA: Align scan coordinates. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Over here, Doctor. DOCTOR: No! Nyssa, I will not have blood spilt to save my life. BORUSA: Nyssa of Traken, I command you to lay aside that weapon. NYSSA: Doctor, quickly! THALIA: Obey the Lord President, or you too will die. CASTELLAN: You cannot escape, girl. NYSSA: Don't you understand? The Doctor was betrayed. His bioscan was extracted from the Matrix. Doctor, tell them. DOCTOR: They're right, Nyssa. We cannot escape. NYSSA: But we're ready to leave. DOCTOR: Please. You must obey the Lord President. I know what I'm doing. The weapon, please? DOCTOR: Lord President, my companion acted from misguided loyalty. She will cause no further trouble. In return, I ask that she is allowed to go free. BORUSA: Thank you, Doctor. For your sake, we will overlook it. [SCENE_BREAK] OMEGA: Activate booster terminal, now! [SCENE_BREAK] MAXIL: Judgement has been carried out, Lord President.

With a anti-matter being trying to enter the universe through the Doctor, the Gallifreyan high council see's only one clear course of action. They decided to put the Doctor to death in order to prevent the occurrence.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_03x19

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_03x19_0

In the Mayor's office. Faith is sitting at the desk with her eyes closed. A present is laying on the desk in front of her. The Mayor stands by her side. Mayor: Alright, you can open them up now. Faith sees the present and smiles up at him. Faith: Fab. What's the occasion? Mayor: Faith! As if I need a reason to show you my affection. Or appreciation for running a small errand at the airport. Faith: Airport? What's next? Gonna want me to help a buddy of yours move a sofa? Mayor: This isn't a free ride, young lady. You know, I'm beginning to think that somebody's getting a little spoiled. Maybe I should take this back. Faith: (clutches the present) Sorry... Sir. Mayor: That's my girl. (chuckles) Another cookie? (Faith takes one) Now. A package is arriving tomorrow night from Central America. Something, and I can't stress this enough, something crucially important to my Ascension. Without it ... Well! What would Toll House cookies be without the chocolate chips? A pretty darn big disappointment, I can tell you. (giggles) Open your present. (she does) There. That look on your face is my reward. The present is a knife with an intricate design. Faith: This is a thing of beauty, boss. Mayor: Well, it cost a pretty penny. So, you just take good care of it. And you be careful not to put somebody's eye out with that thing, until I tell you to. Faith: Any particular eyes in mind? [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in a graveyard. Angel and Buffy are fighting a pair of vampires. Buffy trips her opponent into Angel's legs. Buffy: Sorry, honey! Angel: That's okay. They finish off both vampires. Buffy: Well, there's something you don't see every day. Unless, of course, you're me. Angel: That was bracing. Want to do another sweep? Buffy: It's what I live for. Sad to say. Angel: You too tired? Buffy: No. It's just... Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut? Angel: A rut? Buffy: You never take me any place new. Angel: What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? I felt that was a nice change of pace. Buffy: So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're ... the same age you are now. They hear a growl offstage. Angel: Let's just get you to fifty. Buffy: Liking that plan. Opening credits. [SCENE_BREAK] In the Summers house. Buffy sits at the table, flipping through a book. Joyce enters from the hall. Joyce: Buffy? When were you going to tell me? Buffy: Alright, busted. I didn't think you'd miss them. (takes off earrings) Joyce: You were accepted to Northwestern University. Honey, I'm so proud of you! That's wonderful! Buffy: (less enthusiastic) Right! It's wonderful. Joyce: I mean, it's not cheap, but, uh, I know we can make it work if your father pitches in. Not that Northwestern is your only option. It's a great school, though. I am so proud of you. Buffy: You said that before. Joyce: And will again soon. Buffy: Mom, you know that I can't ... I-I just can't decide on a school right now. I mean I want to sleep on it, you know, mull it over. Raise them up my inner flagpole, see which one I salute. Joyce: I know, sweetheart. I'm just so pleased that you have so many choices. Ooh, you know what? Your aunt Arleen and her family are in Illinois. I've got to call and tell them. Oh, Buffy? Buffy: I know, you're proud of me. Joyce: Ah, don't forget to put my earrings back in my dresser before you go out. Arleen? Hi! It's Joyce. How you doing? Listen, you are never going to believe where Buffy got accepted to school! [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight on campus. One guy sits at a picnic table. A second guy drops a paper bag on the table and sits opposite the first guy. Guy #2: Here you go. Guy #1: Thanks. Snyder: (swoops in) Okay, what's in the bag? Guy #1: My lunch. Snyder: Is that the new drug lingo? (takes the bag, looks inside) Guy #1: No, it's my lunch. Snyder: (drops the bag on the table) Sit up straight. (marches off) Camera zooms past Snyder to another table: Willow and Oz sit opposite Buffy. Willow: Sounds like your mom's in a state of denial. Buffy: More like a continent. She just has to realize that I can't go away. Willow: Well, maybe not now, but soon, maybe. Or maybe I too hail from Denial Land. Buffy: Faith's turn to the dark side of the Force pretty much put the proverbial kibosh on any away plans for me. UC Sunnydale - at least I got in. You! I mean I can't believe you got into Oxford! Willow: It's pretty exciting. Oz: That's some deep academia there. Buffy: That's where they make Gileses. Willow: I know! I could learn and, and have scones. Although I-I don't know how I feel about going to school in a foreign country. Xander is sitting at a nearby tree reading Jack Kerouac's _On the Road_. Xander: Everything in life is foreign territory. Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road is my school. Buffy: Making the open dumpster your cafeteria? Xander: Go ahead, mock me. Oz: I think she just did. Xander: We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted. Oz: Well, sure. You're all so weird. Willow: I think it's neat, you doing the backpack, trail mix, happy wanderer thing. Xander: I'm aware it scores kinda high on the hokey-meter, but I think it will be good for me. You know, help me to find myself. Cordelia walks between the table and Xander's tree. Cordelia: And help us to lose you. Everyone's a winner. Xander: (getting up) Well, look who just popped open a fresh can of venom. Hey, did you hear about Willow getting into Oxnard? Willow: Oxford. Xander: Oxford. And M.I.T. and Yale and every other college on the face of the planet. As in your face I rub it. Cordelia: Oxford? Whoopee! Four years in tea-bag central. Sounds thrilling. And M.I.T. is a Clearasil ad with housing. And Yale is a dumping ground for those who didn't get into Harvard. Willow: I got into Harvard. Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance? Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers! Buffy: Okay, you guys, don't forget to breathe between insults. Cordelia: I'm sorry Buffy. This conversation is reserved for people who actually have a future. (leaves) Oz: An angry young woman. Willow: Oh Buffy, she was just being Cordelia, only more so. Don't pay any attention to her. Xander: She's definitely got a chip going. Willow: Maybe if you didn't goad her so much? Xander: I can't help it. It's my nature. Willow: Maybe you need a better nature. [SCENE_BREAK] Buffy and Wesley walk into the library. Wesley: I don't understand. Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. I want to leave. Wesley: What? Now? Buffy: No, not now. After I graduate, you know, college? Wesley: But, you're a Slayer. Buffy: Yeah, I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my Slayer-ness. That's ... something-ism. Giles is listening from the door of his office. Giles: Buffy, I know we've talked about you going away... Buffy: I got into Northwestern. Giles: That's wonderful news. Good for you. Wesley: Alright, everyone. Monsters, demons, world in peril? Buffy: I bet you they have all that stuff in Illinois. Wesley: You cannot leave Sunnydale. By the power invested in me by the Council, I forbid it. (said while crossing his wrists over his heart - watcher authority hand signal?) Buffy rolls her eyes and turns her back on Wesley. Giles: Ah yes, that should settle it. Wesley: (counting on fingers) Faith gone bad, and the Mayor's Ascension coming up, ... Buffy: I know it's complicated. I'm aware that my graduation may be, among other things, posthumous, but... What if I stop the Ascension? What if I capture Faith? Giles: I very much hope you will. Buffy: If I do that, then all you guys have to do is keep the run of the mill unholy forces at bay through mid-terms and I'll be back in time for Homecoming, and every school break after that. Can we at least think about it? Wesley: Perhaps if circumstances were different. Buffy: I'll make them different. Wesley: What? Buffy: I'm tired of waiting for Mayor McSleaze to make his move while we sit on our hands counting down to Ascension Day. I mean, let's take the fight to him. Wesley: No. No! Much too reckless. We're at a distinct disadvantage. We don't know anything about the Mayor's Ascension... Giles: She's right. Time's running out. We need to take the offensive. (to Buffy) What's your plan? Buffy: I gotta have a plan? Really? I can't just be proactive with pep? Giles: No. You want to take the fight to them? I suggest the first step would be to find out exactly what they're up to. Buffy: Oh. I actually knew that. I thought you meant a more specific plan, you know, like with maps and stuff. Great. We'll find out what they're up to. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, at the airport. A small plane taxies to a stop and a man leaves the plane carrying a box. A vampire waits by a limo with a briefcase. Box man: Is he in the car? Vampire: No, I'll take you to him. (opens the limo door) Camera zooms in to show the box handcuffed to the man's right hand. The man kicks the limo door shut. Box man: The Mayor was supposed to be here in person with the money. Well, the price just went up. I don't like surprises. Impact sound. The head of an arrow appears through the front of his shirt - Faith has shot him through the back. Faith: Surprise. Faith climbs down from her hiding place and approaches the body. Vampire: You killed him. Faith: What are you, the narrator? Keys to the cuffs? The vampire searches the man's clothing. Vampire: Nothing. Faith pulls out her flashy new knife. Vampire: That won't cut through steel. Faith: No, but it will cut through bone. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. The limo pulls up in front of City Hall. Faith carries the box inside. Buffy is watching from the bushes. Cut to inside the Mayor's office. Faith kicks in the door and carries the box inside. Mayor: Hey ho! There it is! Hahahaha! Ah, what happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him. Faith: Hunh. Made him an offer he couldn't survive. (takes the money) Mayor: (chuckles) You are one heck of a girl, you know that? I mean geez, the initiative, the - the skill. Faith: Go on, go on. (sits down) Mayor: I will. You know, I'll tell you, if Buffy ... (Faith props her feet on the desk. The Mayor frowns.) Hey hey hey hey. (Faith drops her feet.) If Buffy Summers walked in here and said she wanted to switch to our side, I'd say (snaps his fingers) no thanks, sister, I've got all the Slayer one man could ever need. (chuckles) Faith sighs. Mayor: What? Faith: Nothing. Mayor: Oh, it's cause I used the B-word, huh? Don't tell me you're still sore about that whole Angel-Buffy thing. Faith: No, I'm over it. She can have him. Mayor: Better believe she can. She deserves that poor excuse for a creature of the night. You, on the other hand, can do better. Faith is fidgeting and begins toying with the clasp of the box. The Mayor slams his hands down on top of the box. Mayor: Don't do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. The limo pulls to a stop in a parking lot. The vampire driver hears a noise and looks back through the rear window. Buffy smashes the driver's side window with her fist and pulls his upper body out of the window. Buffy: (peppy) So, what's in the box? Cut to the library. Buffy sits at the table looking at a book. Xander and Wesley look on. Buffy: The Box of Gavrock. It houses some great demonic energy or something which His Honor needs to chow down on come A-Day. Giles and Willow enter. Giles carries some large drawings. Wesley: What's that? Giles: Maps. And stuff. Willow: Plans for City Hall. They were in the Water and Power mainframe. Buffy: The box is being kept under guard in a conference room on the top floor. (points to a map sheet) There. Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of my informant before his aggressive tendencies forced me to introduce him to Mr. Pointy. Wesley: Well, now, here's what I think we should do... Buffy: I figure we can enter through the skylight. I'll take Angel with me. Giles: Agreed. Xander: And there's a fire ladder on the east side of the building, (points) here. Wesley: Yes, yes, fine, but we still need to consider whether the Mayor... Giles: It won't be enough to simply have possession of the box. Willow: Right, we have to destroy it. Not just physically - ritually, with some down and dirty black magic. Wesley: Hang on. We don't know what such a ritual would require. Giles: (flipping through a book) I think the Breath of the Atropyx is standard for this sort of thing. Fairly simple recipe. Xander? Wesley attempts to read over Giles's shoulder but Giles hands the book to Xander. Xander: I know. I'm ingredient getting guy. Wesley: Alright, stop! I demand everyone STOP this instant! (everyone looks at him) I'm in charge here and I say this is all moving much too fast. We need time to fully analyze the situation and devise a proper and strategic strategem. Buffy: Wes, hop on the train or get off the tracks. Wesley: The Mayor will most assuredly have supernatural safeguards protecting the box. (silence) Oh, we all forgot about that, did we? Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger. Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast. Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods. Buffy: Let's get to work. The gang files past Wesley. Giles pushes a map into Wesley's hands. Wesley mopes for a moment, then turns to follow. [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight. Xander is walking along a street and pauses at the window of a shop. He sees Cordelia inside holding up a dress. He starts, stops, looks for a moment more. He goes inside. Xander: I have a theory. Your snide remarks earlier? I'm guessing grapes a little on the sour side. Didn't get into any schools, did you? The grades were there, but ooh, if it weren't for that pesky interview. Ten minutes with you and the Admissions Department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited superficial princess quotas. Cordelia: And once again, the gold medal in the Being Wrong event goes to Xander "I'm as stupid as I look" Harris. (takes envelopes from her purse) Read 'em and weep, creep. USC, Colorado State, Duke, and Columbia. Xander: Wow! These are great colleges. I'm guessing they must have seen a different side of your father's money. Cordelia: (snatches the letters away from him) Go away. Xander: Sure! If you'll excuse me, I have to go back to helping to save some lives. Carry on. I know that you have some important accessorizing to do. Xander leaves. Cordelia looks unhappy. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. A dark van stops in a parking lot. Wesley is driving, Giles rides shotgun. Buffy, Angel, and Willow get out. Giles: Now remember, if anything should go awry, Wesley and I will create a diversion. Wesley: Let's synchronize our watches. I have twenty-one four... Buffy and Willow are holding up their bare wrists. Wesley: Yes, typical. Willow: Maybe we could just count. One one thousand, two one thousand, ... Giles: Be careful, all of you. The trio marches off. Giles turns to Wesley. Giles: Tea? Angel pulls down the fire ladder. Willow starts climbing. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Oz places a large ceramic pot on a pedestal. Xander enters carrying a paper bag. Oz: You got the goods? Xander: Yeah. (starts pulling plastic baggies out) Essence of toad, twice-blessed sage, maybe that's the toad? Oz: Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation. Xander: Well, then, they shouldn't leave it in the hands of the lay people. Oz: Oh, Willow laid it out for us pretty well. (shows him Willow's papers) Xander: Wow! She even drew helpful diagrams. That's the pedestal. Oz: And the ingredients. And us. See, there's you and there's me. Xander: Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both look kinda stick-figurey to me. Oz: Well, this one's me. See the little guitar. Xander: Oh, gotcha. Oz: Nobody like my Willow. Xander: No sir, there is not. Oz moves to the pot and drops three gold pieces in. Oz: Okay, toad me. Xander throws him a plastic bag. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, on the roof of City Hall. The trio can see the box through the skylight. Angel opens the skylight. Buffy hands Willow a book and a bottle containing salt or sand. Willow reads a spell (in Latin?) while pouring the sand over the box. As the sand falls, a blue force field appears around the box, then suddenly disappears. Willow: (big smile) Oh yeah, I'm bad. Buffy: Four stars, Will. Now get going. Willow: I'm gone. Willow leaves by the fire ladder. Angel fits Buffy with a harness and sets up a pully system. He lowers her down over the box (like the Mission Impossible movie) Buffy: Got it! As she lifts the box off the table, an alarm bell rings. Angel is pulling on the cord, but Buffy doesn't move. Buffy: Angel! Angel: It's jammed. Buffy: I'd like very much to come up now, please. Angel! Angel: I know! Two vampires enter the room with a growl. Buffy: Don't suppose you want to help me get down. (they growl) Didn't think so. Angel leaps down to the table. They fight. Buffy gets in a neat kick using a vertical spin in the trapeze harness, then gets out of it. Buffy and Angel escape the room with the vampire guards in pursuit. Cut to outside. Buffy and Angel run out of the building and dart right. As the vampires leave the building, the black van accelerates past the door and the vampires chase it. Buffy and Angel stand up and watch from their hiding place in the bushes, then run the other way. [SCENE_BREAK] In the wrecked conference room. The Mayor surveys the damage while the vampire guards stand with their heads down. Mayor: Well, this is very unfortunate. I just had this conference room redecorated, for Pete's sake. At taxpayers' expense. And, oh yeah ... (the cheerful facade breaks and with a burst of rage, he smashes a chair) They've got my box. Faith walks in, holding a knife to Willow's neck. Faith: Yeah they do, but looky what we got. Big smile from the Mayor. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Scooby Gang minus Willow. Buffy: How did you guys let ... How did this happen? Giles: We thought she stayed with you. Angel: They must have grabbed her when she hit the ground. Buffy, I'm sorry. Buffy: Look, it's nobody's fault, okay. We just need to focus and deal. Oz, I swear I won't let them hurt her. Xander: We go back. Full-on assault. Giles: They'll kill her. Wesley: We're assuming they haven't already. Buffy: No. No, they know what she means to us. She's too valuable as long as we still have the box. We trade. Wesley: We can't. Buffy: No, it's the safest plan. (to Giles) It's the only way, right? Giles: It might well be. Buffy: Look, we call the Mayor and arrange a meeting. Wesley: This box must be destroyed. Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley. Wesley: Giles, you know I'm right about this. Buffy: Wes, you want to duck and cover at this point? Wesley: Damn it, you listen to me! This box is the key to the Mayor's Ascension. Thousands of lives depend on our getting rid of it. Now I want to help Willow as much as the rest of you, but we will find another way. Buffy: There is no other way. Wesley: You're the one who said take the fight to the Mayor. You were right. This is the town's best hope of survival. It's your chance to get out. Buffy: You think I care about that? Are you made of human parts? Giles: Alright! Let's deal with this rationally. Buffy: Why are you taking his side? The outbursts of Buffy, Giles, and Wesley clash for a moment, then Wesley's voice breaks out of the babble. Wesley: You'd sacrifice thousands of lives? Your families, your friends? Oz has been sitting through all this. He gets up and walks behind Wesley. Wesley: It can all end right here. We have the means to destroy this box. Oz picks up the pot for the box-destroying ritual and throws it into a display case, smashing both to shards. Everyone looks at each other. Buffy: Giles, make the phone call. [SCENE_BREAK] In City Hall, in a musty storeroom. Willow is banging on a locked window, trying to open it. She gives up on the window and pulls out a desk drawer, making a lot of noise. A vampire guard enters the room. Guard: What are you doing? Willow: Oh, uh, I'm looking for a sucking candy, cause my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous, or held prisoner against my will. The vampire slowly approaches her with a hungry look. Willow: And suddenly I'm thinking sucking isn't a good word to use around vampires. Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so. You're going to be in some trouble when the Mayor ...Ow! The vampire grabs her shoulders and presses her against a wall. Guard: Just a little taste. As he leans in for the bite, a pencil from the desk drawer floats up behind him and stabs him in the back. He crumbles to dust. Willow leaves the room and starts down a hallway. A door opens and she hears Faith and the Mayor. Willow quickly hides in another room and listens as they pass. Faith: She's not gonna be brain-dead but she'd be to come back here tonight. Mayor: Ever had a dog? Faith: What? Mayor: I did. Rusty. Irish setter. A dog's friendship is stronger than reason, stronger than it's own sense of self-preservation. Buffy's like a dog, and hey, before you can say Jack Robinson, you'll get to see me kill her like one. Faith and the Mayor walk down the hall. Willow starts to run the other way, but stops at the open door to the Mayor's office. She enters, closes the door, and finds the Mayor's cupboard of skulls and magic stuff. She finds a hidden compartment containing the Books of Ascension, and begins skimming the pages. Faith: Check out the bookworm. (standing in the office door) Willow: Faith! Faith: Anyone with brains, anyone who knew what was going to happen to her, would try to claw her way out of this place. But you, you just can't stop Nancy Drew-ing, can you? Guess now you know too much and that kinda just naturally leads to killing. Willow: Faith, wait. I want to talk to you. Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late. Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste. Faith punches Willow in the jaw and she falls to the ground. Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient. Willow climbs back to her feet. Willow: Aw, here I just thought you didn't have a come-back. Faith: You're begging for some deep pain. Willow: I'm not afraid of you. Faith pulls out the fancy knife. Faith: Let's see what we can do about that. The Mayor is standing in the doorway. Mayor: Girls, I hope I don't have to separate you two. Faith, you can play with your new toy later. Something's come up. Faith keeps holding the knife to Willow's neck, staring into her eyes. Mayor: Faith! You know I don't like repeating myself. Faith: (to Willow) I got someone. I got him. Mayor: I just received a heck of an interesting phone call. [SCENE_BREAK] Night. In the Sunnydale High cafeteria. The Scooby Gang waits for the Mayor. Giles holds a baseball bat. Oz tests a locked door. Oz: The whole place is locked down, except for the front. Xander: Yeah, it gives me that comforting trapped feeling. Buffy: One way out means one way in. I want to see them coming. The lights go out, leaving the room dimly lit by outside lights. Xander: Guess they're shy. Angel: I can see alright. The two vampire guards push open the front doors, followed by the Mayor, then Faith holding Willow. The two groups stop and glare at each other. The Mayor and Buffy advance to within arm's reach. Mayor: Well, this is exciting, isn't it? (chuckles) Clandestine meetings by dark of night. Exchange of prisoners. I just, I, I feel like we should all be wearing trench coats. Buffy: Let her go. Mayor: No. Not until the box is in my hands. So you're the little girl that's been causing me all this trouble. She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. Guess you kind of just have strange taste in women. Angel: Well, what can I say? I like them sane. Willow makes a sound as Faith tightens her grip. Oz: Angel. Mayor: Well, I wish you kids the best, I really do. But if you don't mind a bit of fatherly advice, I, uh, I-I just don't see much of a future for you two. I don't sense a lasting relationship. And not just because I plan to kill you. You two have a bumpy road ahead. Buffy: I don't think we need to talk about this. Mayor: God, you kids, you know. You don't like to think about the future. You don't like to make plans. Unless you want Faith to gut your friend like a sea bass, show a little respect for your elders. Angel: You're not my elder. I've got a lotta years on you. Mayor: Yeah, and that's just one of the things you're going to have to deal with. You're immortal, she's not. It's not. I married my Edna May in ought-three and I was with her right until the end. Not a pretty picture. Wrinkled and senile and cursing me for my youth. Wasn't our happiest time. And let's not forget the fact that any moment of true happiness will turn you evil. I mean, come on. What kind of a life can you offer her? I don't see a lot of Sunday picnics in the offing. I see skulking in the shadows, hiding from the sun. She's a blossoming young girl and you want to keep her from the life she should have until it has passed her by. My God! I think that's a little selfish. Is that what you came back from Hell for? Is that your greater purpose? (he stares at Angel for a moment and then shakes his head in disgust) Make the trade. Angel and Faith trade. Faith is holding the box in the center of the room. Mayor: Well, that went smooth. Snyder and two policemen enter the front door. Snyder: Nobody moves! The Mayor steps back into the shadows as Snyder advances. One policeman locks the doors behind him. Snyder: I knew you kids were up to something. Buffy: Snyder, get out of here. Snyder: You're not giving orders, young lady. I suppose you're going to tell me I won't find drugs in this box. Snyder takes the box from Faith and turns away. Faith pulls her knife. Buffy: (to Faith) Wait! Mayor: Principal Snyder. Snyder turns at the Mayor's voice, then focuses on the drawn knife. Mayor: I think we have a problem. Snyder: Mr. Mayor, I had no idea you ... I'm terribly sorry. Mayor: No, it's I who should apologize. Coming down here at night. What must you be thinking? But you see, I just needed to ... Behind Snyder, one of the policemen is opening the box. Mayor: No! Don't do that! A spidery creature leaps out of the box onto the policeman's face. (much like the face-hugger in the Aliens movies) He starts screaming. Fade to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] The policeman attempts to pull the spider off his face, but cannot. He collapses to the floor and stops moving. The spider releases him and skitters away into the shadows. The whole thing happened so quickly, no one moved to interfere. The Scooby Gang starts shifting positions, looking for the creature. Wesley: Oh god. Xander: Where did it go? Snyder: (to the remaining cop) Get that door open! Giles: No! You can't let that thing out of here! The policeman fumbles nervously with his keys and drops them. Xander: I still want to know where it went. Buffy: Listen. They hear subtle noises on the ceiling: skittering feet, a low keening. Everyone looks up. The spider drops onto the Mayor's face and he falls backwards onto a table. Faith: Boss! Faith rushes to his aid. She pulls the spider off and flings it into a wall. It rights itself and skitters out of sight. Giles and Wesley climb up on chairs. While everyone is looking at the Mayor, a second spider creeps out of the box. The Mayor sits up with wounds on his face which rapidly fade away. Snyder stares in horror at the Mayor's face. Mayor: Wouldn't leave that open. Buffy slams the lid of the box shut just as a third creature is climbing out. Severed limbs clatter on the floor. As she is crouched at the box, one of the spiders drops on her back. She flips onto her back, crushing it against the floor. Faith sees the second spider climbing the wall behind Wesley and draws back her arm. Wesley sees her. Wesley: No! Wesley ducks. Faith snaps the knife into the spider, killing it. The Mayor strides over the box and picks it up. Oz: Is that all of them? Mayor: Ah, not really. You see, there's about fifty... billion of these happy little critters in here. Would you like to see? The cop finally gets the front doors open. He and the two vampire guards race out of the room. Mayor: Raise your hand if you're invulnerable. (no replies) Faith, let's go. Faith stares at the impaled spider on the wall. Mayor: Faith. Faith stares a moment more, then follows him. Snyder is holding a chair at chest height, legs pointed outward. He turns as Faith walks by, keeping the chair between them. Buffy: Snyder, you alive in there? Snyder: You. All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people? Snyder walks out cautiously, still holding his chair like a security blanket. Wesley: Well, that went swimmingly. Buffy: We did alright. (Buffy and Willow share a look.) [SCENE_BREAK] In the library. Buffy and Willow sit cross-legged on the counter. Willow is very animated. Giles and Wesley stand back. Willow: So Faith was like I'm going to beat you up and I'm all "I'm not afraid of you" and then she had the knife which was less fun a-and then, oh! I-I told her you made your choice, Buffy was your friend... Giles: This is fascinating, but let's get back to the point. You actually had your hands on the Books of Ascension? Willow: Volumes One through Five. Giles: Is there anything you can remember that could be of use to us? Anything at all? Willow: Well, I was in a hurry, and what I did read was kind of over-involved. If you ask me, way over-written. Actually, there were a few pages that looked kind of interesting but I didn't have a chance to read them fully. Giles looks disheartened. Willow pulls some folded pages out of a pocket. Willow: See what you can make of them? Giles smiles like a kid at Christmas and rushes off. Buffy: This is your night for suave, Will. You should get captured more often. Willow: No, thank you. Wesley: Well, let's hope there is something useful in those pages. The Mayor has the Box of Gavrock. As of now, we are right back where we started. Wouldn't you say? Buffy looks unhappy. [SCENE_BREAK] Daylight on campus. Buffy is crouched, leaning back against a tree. Willow walks up. Willow: Deep thoughts? Buffy: Deep and meaningful. Willow: As in? Buffy: As in, I'm never getting out of here. I kept thinking if I stopped the Mayor or ... but I was kidding myself. I mean, there is always going to be something. I'm a Sunnydale girl, no other choice. Willow: Must be tough. I mean, here I am, I can do anything I want. I can go to any college in the country, four or five in Europe if Iwant. Buffy: Please tell me you're going somewhere with this? Willow: No. (hands Buffy a letter) I'm not going anywhere. Buffy: UC Sunnydale? Willow: I will be matriculating with Class of 2003. Buffy: Are you serious? Willow: Say, isn't that where you're going? Buffy hugs her and they tumble onto the ground. Buffy: I can't believe it! Are you serious? Ah, wait, what am I saying? You can't. Willow: What do you mean, I can't? Buffy: I won't let you. Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me? Buffy: There are better schools. Willow: Sunnydale's not bad. A-And I can design my own curriculum. Buffy: Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons. I can't let you stay because of me. Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in. Buffy: I kind of love you. Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn? Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle. Willow: Mochas? Buffy: Yes, please. It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely. Willow: Neat, huh? Buffy: Sometimes it is. [SCENE_BREAK] In the dress shop where Xander and Cordelia last fought. Cordelia is holding a dress in front of her, looking in a full-length mirror. A woman in a suit enters the room behind her. Woman: Chase! What are you doing? Your break's been over for ten minutes. I still need you to re-stock the shelves and clean out the storage room. Let's go. Cordelia looks at the dress for a few seconds more, then goes back to work. [SCENE_BREAK] Night, in a graveyard. Buffy and Angel are holding hands, sitting on a blanket, leaning against a gravestone. Buffy: It's gonna be fun. Will and I are going to go on Saturday to check out the campus. I'm hoping Mom will let me live there. It's too far to come home every night. Plus the whole lack of cool factor. Either way, I'll be close to your place. I don't know what the Mayor was talking about. How could he know anything about us? Angel: Well, he's evil. Buffy: Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is. Angel: No. Buffy: Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is with evil. Angel: Yeah. Buffy: Big, stupid, evil guy. We'll be okay. Angel: We will. Buffy leans her head against Angel's chest, looking not very okay. BLACK OUT

When Wesley tells her she cannot leave Sunnydale to go to a fine college, Buffy launches an offensive to shut down the Mayor's plans for Ascension. Willow chooses among colleges while Xander plans a road trip.

fd_Childrens_Hospital_04x04

fd_Childrens_Hospital_04x04_0

Glenn: Lola, we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you don't have cancer. Lola: Ohh! Glenn: Cat just put nair in your shampoo. Cat: Because you ate my lunch from the refrigerator. Glenn: And the bad news is, she also put a chemical in your iced tea which turns your nose into a tennis ball. But it only lasts a second. So basically, everything's okay. Everything's okay. Owen: Chief! Can't you see I'm busy? Chief: Sometimes I wish I was a mirror. Lola: Hey, Dori, my round sheet is empty. Is that a mistake? Dori: Doesn't look like it. Owen: This place is empty. What gives? Dori: There are no admissions today, and we just discharged the last child. Cat: Are you saying there are no more patients left in the hospital? Beth: Guys, what do we do with all our time? Sy: Listen, I'm going into town to register the new ambulance. Glenn: Sy! Sy! Sy! Before you go, there are no patients left to treat. Any extra tasks you need us doing? Sy: As a matter of fact, thank you, Glenn. There's a lot of things to be done. First off, the organ supply room needs cleaning. Blake: I'll do it! [ Laughs ] Psych! Sy: Wear gloves this time. Blake: I'll do it my own way. Sy: And then, most importantly, the patients' records, all right? Now, look at this -- completely disorganized. These have been handed down from administrator to administrator. You know how important this is to me. Glenn, will you take care of reorganizing this entire room? Glenn: I will not let you down, sir. Sy: I would never have asked you, son, if I didn't believe in you. Chet: Are they falling in love? Owen: Yes. Sy: All right, Glenn is in charge, everybody. Sy: You know what, Lola? That is a great idea. The animal-testing lab is filthy. Lola: [ Scoffs ] Should have said, "I'd rather clean the Dylan McDermott lab." Sy: Who's gonna come with me? It's a great adventure. Dori! Perfect! Dori: Ohh! Sy: Let's go! Blake: Hey, Rosa. Working hard or hardly working? Rosa: [ European accent ] Oh, somewhere in between, Mr. Dr. Downs. Blake: I see what you're saying. You're not working as hard as you can be, but you're certainly not working. Rosa: [ Chuckles ] Blake: Oof. This uterus expired on Tuesday. You know what? I figure we have a 10-day grace period. Rosa: Expiration dates are really just suggestions. Blake: I like the way you think, lady. Rosa: You know, being around all these organs is making me hungry. Would you like to come to my home for lunch? Sal: Attention, staff. My dick. That is all. Lola: Hey, chief. Chief: Oh. Owen isn't interested in me. Do you think he noticed I use a walker? Lola: Oh, I'd love to girl-gab, but I just injected all these stem cells into that handicapped monkey. [ Screeches ] Chief: He doesn't need glasses or his walker?! [ Gasps ] Stem cells cure handicaps! Mama want! Lola: No! Chief, no! Oh, God! Chief: [ Gasping ] Wait a minute. I don't feel anything at all. Thanks for nothing, whore! Lola: Wait. Chief. Think fast! [ Gasps ] Amazing! Chief: Oh, my God. Lola: Look at that. Oh, my God. Chief: I'm cured! Stem cells? What a great idea! Glenn: [ Laughs ] Okay. What do you say, guys? Let's get busy! Cat: I'm not doing donkey dick. Glenn: Look, Cat -- Chet: What part of "donkey dick" don't you understand, ass-kisser?! Glenn: All right. So, how do you want to do this? My favorite letters are I, T, V, Q, and S, so, obviously, I'll take -- aaaah! Oh, my God. For a second there, I thought that was a real airplane. What's the deal, Cat? Cat: Glenn, this is a free day! I mean, do you really want to spend it organizing records, or do you want to spend setting them? Am I right, guys? [ Peppy music plays ] [ Music stops ] Okay, let's go! [ Music resumes ] [ Both laughing ] Glenn: Come on, guys! Are we doctors or are we... Dart doctors? [ Music continues on radio ] No! No, no, no! The ladies' room is right there! Sy, where are you? Owen: Ha-cha-cha! Whew. Ooh. Hey, there. You new at this hospital? Chief: In a way. Owen: What's your name, beautiful? Chief: My name? Uh, I-- it's... it's, uh, uh... [ Sneezes ] Chief: My name... Ooh, I -- ouch. It's, uh... hey. Chief: Uh...it's chief. Uh, chief...Smith. Owen: Oh. Well, we have another lady here named chief, but she's ugly. Chief: Oh, really? Owen: Yeah. She's about as ugly as a big pile of poo. Chief: Oh. Owen: Mm-hmm. She's so ugly, a poo takes a her. Chief: Hmm. Owen: If a dog wanted to eat his own poo, he would make a mistake and eat her. Chief: Yeah. Owen: For all intents and purposes, she is poo. Chief: Ohhh. Owen: When she goes to the toilet store, they tell her to "go around back 'cause that's where we let the poo in." Chief: Oh, God. Owen: If you do a Google image search of the word "poo," pictures of poo show up, but then there's a picture of her. Mm. Crazy people smear her on the walls. Chief: There's more. [SCENE_BREAK] Rosa: Hi! Hi. We're hungry, mama! We're hungry! Rosa: They're saying they're hungry. Blake: Yeah, yeah. No, I heard them. They spoke English. Rosa: Come and sit. Back in Ukraine, I was hospital administrator. I loved it so. Oh, thank you, grandma. I work at Childrens just to be around the administrating. Blake: Sort of like a lower-stakes "Good Will Hunting." Rosa: Exactly. Blake: Yeah. [ Laughs ] Mmm. This soup is incredible. Is there a secret ingredient? Rosa: Oh, yes. [ Chuckles ] Love. [ Folk music plays ] [ Laughter ] [ Up-tempo music plays ] Cat: Glenn, come on. Let yourself go. Glenn: Ahh... Cat: Dance. Glenn: Oh, you know what? You're right. The files can wait. I got to dance! I got to dance! [ All cheering ] Lola: Whoa, Glenn! Chet: Yeah! Lola: All right! Cat: What?! Glenn: Hey! Pool! Pool! Aah! [ All cheering ] Lola: [ Vomits ] Glenn: Free day! [ Laughs ] Blake: Thank you so much, Sasha. Really nice meeting you, Andrash. And you, too, Tiffany. Don't ever change. And you... [ laughs ] This day has been wonderful. Rosa: No! Blake: But we -- we have a connection. I'm Robin Williams, you're Matt Damon. Let's make love, like they did in the movie. Rosa: No! No! I don't like you like that! Please, Dr. Blake, leave! Blake: Let me kiss her on the mouth! Rosa! No! No! No! No! Mwah! Mwah! No! [ Both laughing ] Owen: I'll tell you what, chief Smith, I'm gonna go get us some mai tais. Don't you go anywhere. Chief: Don't you worry. Both: Rowr! [ Both laugh ] Chief: Mmm. Lola: Hey! Think fast! [ Gasps ] Chief: Wait a minute. Let me put on my -- my glasses. Owen: Poo chief, where did chief Smith go?! You got to help me find her! Chief: Her is me! Her is me! ♪ For your sins ♪ Glenn: Hey, Blake, where have you been? Blake: Well, let's just say that I've been to another world and I fell in love, and it was not mutual, and I was forcibly removed. Cat: Aw, sweet. Glenn: Are those patients' files? Cat: Yeah. Glenn: Why are you throwing them into the fire?! Cat: Don't you get it? I don't know. [ Cellphone vibrates ] Glenn: Sy's on his way back. Lola: If only any of us knew something about administrating, then we could fix this. Blake: Wait a minute! Guys, I have an idea. Wait right here, okay? Do you have a sec? Rosa: No. Blake: Come on. Everybody, this is Rosa. She's my girlfriend. She can fix this. Rosa: Not your girlfriend. Blake told me the situation. We would have to re-create all the files by calling every patient and getting their medical history. It's impossible. Glenn: Oh, I failed. Blake: Impossible? [ Laughs ] Nothing's impossible if you follow your heart. Not even love. Cat: Hi. I'm calling from Childrens hospital. I was wondering, were you ever a patient here? Beth: And when was his last vaccination? Blake: What do you think your weight was in 1975? Lola: I'm still at work. We have to re-create these stupid patient files we burned in a hallway campfire. Owen: She's so ugly that monkeys take her out of their butts and throw her at people at the zoo. Cat: And that's it. We did it! Lola: Ohh! Cat: We did it! Glenn: That's it?! We replaced all the files? Cat: No, just this one single file, but you act like it's not that impressive. Sy: Glenn! What the hell happened here?! Cat: Sy, it's fault-- Glenn: No, Cat. Cat: Oh. Glenn: I got to own this. Yeah, we burned the files. And we'd do it again, 'cause, news flash, Sy -- I don't want to run your hospital, 'cause as a surgeon, I make sick money, and you live in a condo at the Harborlight Mall. Sy: I admit it. I was wr-- I was wr-- I was wro-- Glenn: Sy's having a stroke! Everybody come quick! Chet: I got it! I got it! Lola: No! No! No! Blake: Thank you, Rosa. You've been great. Rosa: I did literally nothing and nothing got fixed. Blake: Eh, tomayto, tomahto. Sy: No, I just had trouble saying I was wrong. It's a tic. Eh, it's a living. Sal: Attention, staff. When I say "That is," you say "All." That is... that is all.

Sy assigns the staff to organize the patients' records while he is out of the hospital. However, with his absence, the staff consider it as a free day.

fd_Charmed_01x22

fd_Charmed_01x22_0

[Scene: Rodriguez's place. He's looking at pictures of Prue, Piper and Phoebe. Tempus appears in a ball of flame.] Rodriguez: Tempus... Tempus: I never expected to see me. Of course not. You are not worthy before now. What is the name you are using? Rodriguez: Rodriguez. Tempus: Ah, yes. I have been sent to you, Rodriguez. As a gift. Rodriguez: Sent? By who? Tempus: I think you know who and why. Rodriguez: I can defeat the Charmed Ones on my own. I don't need any help. Tempus: Really. What makes you think you have actually found the Charmed Ones? Rodriguez: Are you kidding? After so many of my colleagues have mysteriously vanished in San Francisco this year. It can only be one reason why. I posed as a cop as I believed that one was covering for them. I was right, he was. That's how I found them. Of course, you already know all that don't you. That's what makes me so worthy now, right? Tempus: Watch your tongue, Rodriguez, lest I split it for you. It's one thing to have found the Charmed Ones, it's quite another to defeat them as those who have gone before you have already discovered. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I want you to get all three witches together in one place by midnight and give it your best shot. But if you fail ... Rodriguez: I will not fail. Tempus: Well, if you do, I'll be there to help you learn by you failures. Trust me. Now, how do you expect to get them together? Rodriguez: Trudeau. [Scene: A paperboy rides along the road, a car honks and he waves. He throws the paper on the Halliwell's lawn. Inside the manor.] Weather Girl: (on TV) Good morning, San Francisco. Well, it looks like it's going to be a beautiful Wednesday. Phoebe: (on the phone) Piper, what are you doing at Quake? It's 8:00 in the morning. (Prue enters the kitchen.) Prue: Morning. Phoebe: Morning. (to Piper) Yes, alright, I'll be there in an hour. (You can see Kit on the bench and he knocks over a pepper shaker.) Prue: You'll be where in an hour? Phoebe: Ah, Quake. Piper's doing that thing for the food network and she needs me to bring her another dress because she spilt marinara sauce over the one she's wearing. Prue: Just stay out of my closet. Phoebe: Oh, don't worry, I don't think she'd want to ruin another one of yours. Prue: (Reading the paper) I don't believe this. Phoebe: I'm kidding. Don't have an aneurysm. Prue: No, I'm talking about the paper. Did you see the front page? (Phoebe shakes her head. They hear a crash outside.) Where did you park my car last night? Phoebe: In the driveway ... I think. (They run to the window.) Prue: Mrs. Henderson's car. Phoebe: Oh, thank God. I mean, that your car's in the driveway and I'm not in the dog house. Is she okay? Prue: Yeah, just a little fender bender, no big deal. Phoebe, Andy's in trouble. Phoebe: What? Why? (Prue shows her the paper. Written on the front page is "Inspector Suspected In I.A. Murder.") They think that he killed that Internal Affairs cop? No way. Prue: Maybe it's a setup, trying to force him to reveal our secret. Phoebe: Let me see that. (She takes the paper off Prue and has a premonition.) Prue: What is it? Phoebe: I saw Andy, Prue. He was dead. Opening Credits [Scene: Halliwell Manor. Continued from before.] Prue: Wait, you said that you didn't see a demon or a warlock in your premonition, right? Phoebe: No, but the way he was hurled across the room, there had to of been one. Prue: This room here. Phoebe: Right here, yeah. Prue: Okay, and you're positive that it was Andy. Phoebe: Prue. Prue: I just want to be sure, alright, this isn't just anybody that we're talking about, you know. Phoebe: I know, and I care about him too. Prue: I know you do. I'm sorry. Um, right, why don't you fill in Piper and I'm gonna go warn Andy. Phoebe: How? He said it was too risky for you to be seen with him. Prue: Yeah, well, I don't care. Let Internal Affairs find out that we're witches. Andy's life is a lot more important. Phoebe: Okay, just please be careful. You don't know what kind of demon we're up against. [Scene: Police station. Andy is in a room with Darryl.] Darryl: If you ask me, I wouldn't be surprised if Rodriguez was the one who whacked his own partner. Andy: I.A. already cleared him. Darryl: I.A. cleared an I.A. Go figure. Andy: Yeah. (Rodriguez enters the room.) Rodriguez: What are you doing here, Morris? Darryl: Backing my partner, Rodriguez, something you wouldn't know anything about. Rodriguez: This is between him and me. Andy: It's okay, Darryl. (Darryl leaves the room.) Just for the record, I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present. Rodriguez: You don't need a lawyer, that's if you're willing to help me. Andy: You want me to help you? (He laughs.) What, you can't frame yourself, Rodriguez? Rodriguez: Look, Andy ... Andy: Oh, it's Andy now. Rodriguez: I don't think you had anything to do with my partner's murder. That's right. But what I do think is completely off the record. And I think you'll understand why. (Rodriguez shows Andy a photo.) That's my partner. Or at least what's left of him. No human could of done that to him. I think he was killed by something supernatural. And I think you can help me figure out who or what it is. Andy: Really. What makes you think that? Rodriguez: Come on, I know all about those unsolved cases of yours, and I know who's behind them too. Who you've been covering for. It's very noble. You must care about her very much to give up your career for her. Prue Halliwell ... is a witch. Andy: A witch, huh? You wait here, I'll go warn the Wizard of Oz. (He stands up.) Rodriguez: I don't have time to screw around, Trudeau. I want you to arrange a meeting between her and me. It has to be tonight. She can help me find who killed my partner, I'll drop all charges against you. I won't tell anyone about her. You think about it, but not too long. (He leaves and Darryl enters.) Darryl: You alright? Andy: I'm not sure. I gotta go see Prue. Darryl: That's funny. She called and said she had to see you too. [Scene: In the street outside a clock shop. Tempus is waiting there. Rodriguez walks up to him.] Tempus: Well? Rodriguez: I'm sure I made Trudeau suspicious of me. She'll have no choice but to meet with me. Tempus: But you have to get all three of them together. Rodriguez: Trudeau cares about her. He won't let her risk meeting me alone. He'll insist she have the power of three there with her for protection. Tempus: And you think you have the power to defeat them all. Rodriguez: You don't think I do, do you? You think I'll fail. Tempus: Time will tell. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Quake. Phoebe has another dress for Piper.] Piper: Phoebe, over here. (She gives Piper the dress.) Thank God. The segment producer's gonna be here any minute and I am a complete and total wreck. Phoebe: Piper ... Piper: I thought I was gonna have to pull a Celine Dion and wear my dress backwards. Phoebe: Piper, you have gotta listen to me. I had a premonition of Andy dying. Piper: When? Phoebe: This morning. Don't you check your voice mail? I called and said it was important. Piper: Oh, know. Where's Prue? Phoebe: She's warning him. But in the mean time we have to figure out who the demon is. (A woman enters Quake. Piper stands behind Phoebe to cover the marinara stain.) Woman: Piper? Piper Halliwell? I would recognize you anywhere, you have not changed a bit. You don't recognize me do you? It's Joanne. Joanne Hurts, Baker High, class of '92. Piper: Oh, sure, of course. Joanne, what are you doing here? Joanne: I'm the segment producer. Piper: You're the segment producer? (to Phoebe) She's the segment producer. Phoebe: I heard. Piper: Wow, what a small world. I thought you moved to New York. Joanne: I did. And that's where I met my fabulous husband who had this crazy idea of starting this little cable show and putting me in charge of everything. And here we are, the food networks most popular show. Talk about dreams coming true. Anyway, enough about me, what have you been doing? (Piper freezes Joanne.) Phoebe: Why'd you do that? Piper: What am I suppose to say? That I'm a cash strapped, single restaurant manager, who still lives in the same house I grew up in with my sisters? Phoebe: And the cat, don't forget our cat. Piper: Phoebe, this isn't funny. Phoebe: Look, I don't know why you're getting so upset. She is a freak. I'm sorry, but no one is that successful at the age 26. Besides, you are successful, you're talented, you're creative, and the food network is here to see you. Not me, not her, you. Feel better now? Piper: Very little. Phoebe: Good. Unfreeze that bitch in heels, you've got a segment to shoot and we've got a demon to find. [Scene: Park. Andy and Prue are there.] Andy: Has Phoebe ever been wrong about her premonitions before? Prue: No. But the good news is every other time we've been able to affect the outcome. Stop the demon or warlock before ... Andy: Before I get killed. Can I get that in writing? Prue: Andy, you just have to be extra careful until we figure out who this demon is, okay? (Silence.) Andy. Andy: I was just thinking ... what if the demon was Rodriguez. Prue: Why would you say that? Andy: He pulled me in the station house this morning. I thought he was gonna arrest me. What he really wanted was a meeting with you. Prue: Meet with me? Why? Andy: Because he thinks his partner was killed by a supernatural being and somehow, I don't know how he knows you're a witch. Prue: How would he know that unless ... Andy: Unless he was the demon. Prue: Alright, uh, tell Rodriguez to meet me at the manor at 6:00. Andy: It's too dangerous, Prue. Prue: I don't have a choice. If I don't meet with him, he'll try to frame you and try to expose me. Andy: But if he is a demon and it turns out to be a trap. Prue: And I'll have Piper and Phoebe there to back me up, the power of three. Andy: Plus one. Prue: No. You can't be there, Andy. That's where you were in Phoebe's premonition when ... just promise me you'll stay away. Andy: I can't do that, Prue. Prue: I mean it. Don't make me use my magic on you. (They smile.) I don't want anything to happen to you, Andy. You know how much I care for you. Andy: Okay, I promise. [Scene: Outside the manor. Andy's sitting in his car. Rodriguez arrives in front of the manor. Andy ducks. Kit growls at Rodriguez. Inside the manor.] Prue: Alright, let's go over the plan again. Phoebe: Yeah, let's, because I wanna know why I'm the one answering the door. Prue: 'Cause you're the one who knows martial arts, alright, that way if Rodriguez shows up and tries something right off the bat, you can knock him down. Piper: And then I can come in from the living room and freeze him. Prue: And then I can come down the stairs and send him flying. Phoebe: I still feel like cannon fodder. (The doorbell rings.) Prue: What time is it? Piper: Just before six. (He rings the doorbell a couple more times.) That's a little too anxious, that's not a good sign. Phoebe: Which means if he doesn't want to kill Prue, he wants to date her. (Prue and Piper stare at here.) Prue: Come on, let's get this day over with. Phoebe: Okay. (She walks towards the door.) Alright already. (She opens it.) Rodriguez: Inspector Rodriguez. I'm here to see Prue Halliwell. Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding. Prue! Piper! Company! (Rodriguez's eyes glow red and his power throw's Phoebe against the wall and she rolls down the stairs. Piper enters the room.) Piper: Phoebe! (Lightning stuff comes out of Rodriguez's hand towards Piper but she freezes it just in time.) Prue: (Running down the stairs.) Phoebe! (Prue uses her power and the lightening stuff hits Rodriguez adn he explodes and vanishes.) Piper: Oh my God. Prue: Oh, God. Piper: Prue, is she okay? Prue: She's dead. Piper: What? Phoebe. Phoebe! [Scene: Rodriguez's place. Tempus is there holding an hour glass. He pours the sand out into a saucepan. You see out the window that it goes from night to day in seconds. Rodriguez appears.] Tempus: Hurts to die, doesn't it? Especially at the hands of a witch. Rodriguez: What happened? Where am I? Tempus: Exactly where you were when you first met me. Time has been reset, or other I have reset time. Rodriguez: But they killed me. Tempus: That was Wednesday night. This is Wednesday morning all over again. This is why I have been sent to you, to keep resetting time until you learn from your failures. Only you will carry with you the memory of what has happened before. And each time you fail, you will learn more until ultimately you will kill all of them. [Scene: A paper boy rides along the road, a car honks and he waves. He throws the paper on the Halliwell's lawn. Inside the manor.] Weather Girl: (on TV) Good morning, San Francisco. Well, it looks like it's going to be a beautiful Wednesday. Phoebe: (on the phone) Piper, what are you doing at Quake? It's 8:00 in ... the morning. (Prue enters the kitchen.) Prue: Morning. Phoebe: Morning. Wait a minute. (Kit knocks over the pepper and meows.) Whoa. I am freaking out. (Into the phone) Okay. I'll be there in an hour (She hangs up.) Prue: Be where in an hour? (Phoebe pauses a little.) Phoebe: Okay. Pinch me. Prue: What? Phoebe: No. I mean it. Pinch me. I want to make sure I'm awake because if I am, I am having one killer déjà vu. Prue: So it's just a déjà vu. Everybody gets them. Phoebe: Not like this they don't. Look Prue ... something weird is going on here. (Prue sees the front page) Prue: I don't believe this. Phoebe: No. I'm...trust me. This has happened before. Everything. Prue: I'm talking about the paper. Did you see the front page? Phoebe: See. Like that. Right there. You said that before. I know it. (Car crashes.) And that has happened before too. Prue: Where did you park my car last night? Phoebe: In the driveway and I told you that already the last time you asked me. (Prue leaves. Phoebe sighs. Then whispers the next line.) I think I'm having an aneurysm. [Cut to Prue looking out the window in the living room.] Prue: Mrs. Henderson's car. Just a little fender bender, no big deal. Phoebe: Prue, I am not nuts. Okay, maybe just a little but that's irrelevant here. Prue: Phoebe, Andy's in trouble. Phoebe: What? (Prue shows her the paper.) Let me see that. (She takes the paper off Prue and has a premonition.) You know, that was the premonition which I had before. Prue: Of what? Phoebe: Of Andy, here, being killed by a demon. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police station. Rodriguez barges in the room where Andy and Darryl are.] Rodriguez: What the hell are you doing here? Darryl: I'm backing my partner, you got a problem with that? Rodriguez: Get out now! Andy: It's okay, Darryl, I got it. (Darryl leaves.) Just for the record, I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present. Rodriguez: Forget your lawyer, Trudeau. I'm not screwing around this time. Andy: This time? What are you talking about? Rodriguez: Bottom line, I know my partner was killed by a supernatural being and I think Prue Halliwell can help me figure out who did it. Andy: Really? Well, I'll just get the commissioner to signal Batman and then I'll get right on it. Rodriguez: Do you think I'm joking? I know everything, Trudeau, everything including the fact that Prue Halliwell is a witch. Now you're gonna arrange a meeting with her tonight, you understand, or else I'm gonna bust you ass and expose hers. (He leaves the room and Darryl enters.) Darryl: What was that about? Andy: I'm not sure. [Scene: In the street outside a clock shop. Tempus is waiting there. Rodriguez walks up to him.] Tempus: Well ... Rodriguez: Trudeau is sent to meet. But what I need to know is how to avoid the pain of getting vanquished again. Tempus: It depends on whether you learned enough to vanquish them first. What do you remember? Rodriguez: Last time I killed the youngest one, Phoebe, without a fight. But then when I turned to kill Piper, I think she's the one who has the power to freeze. Tempus: Adjust, simply anticipate where she's coming from earlier before she has a chance to freeze you. Then kill Prue. [Scene: Quake.] Piper: Andy dies? Are you sure that's what you saw? Phoebe: Even worse, I know that I've had that premonition before. I mean, before I had it earlier today. Piper: You mean like yesterday? Phoebe: Yes ... I mean, no. It's not just the premonition that I've seen before, it's everything. And don't tell me that it's just deja vu because I know it's not. Piper: Alright, then what is it? (Joanne enters Quake.) Joanne: Piper? Piper Halliwell, I would recognize you anywhere. You have not changed one bit. You don't recognise me do you? Phoebe: It's Joanne. Joanne ... Hertz, right? I'm right aren't I? Joanne: I'm sorry, have we met? Phoebe: Yes ... sort of before. Uh, Baker High, class of '92. Although I wasn't in that class. Piper: Oh, sure, of course, Joanne. Phoebe, how did you ... Phoebe: (Whispering) That's what I've been trying to tell you. I think we're in some funky time loop here. Piper: (Whispering) Phoebe ... Phoebe: (Whispering) Freeze her. I'll show you. (Piper freezes Joanne.) Okay, Joanne here, is the food networks segment producer. She's about to brag how she's happily married to some rich guy, how she's following her dream, how she's had a really bad nose job. Okay, I added the last part, but this is all gonna make you feel like you're wasting your life away in comparison. Unfreeze her, go ahead, see for yourself. (She unfreezes Joanne.) Piper: Are you the segment producer? Joanne: Why, yes, I am. Piper: Following your dreams are you? Happily married? Stinkin' rich? Joanne: Well, I don't mean to brag, but ... (Piper freezes her again.) Piper: Alright Phoebe, spill it. Phoebe: Okay, the best I could figure is some demon has cast a spell, and I'm the only one who could sort of see it because my power let's me see things that have happened in different times. Do you have a better explanation? Piper: No. Alright, so if you're right, do you think this has something to do with Andy be killed? Phoebe: I don't know, but we're never gonna find who the demon is unless we get to ... Piper: Book of Shadows, I'm right behind you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Park.] Andy: What if he is a demon and it turns out to be a trap? Prue: I'll have Piper and Phoebe there to back me up. The power of three. Andy: Plus one. Me. (Andy sees Prue thinking about something.) What is it? Prue: This seems a little familiar to me that's all, kinda like deja vu. Never mind. Um, Andy, you can't be at the meeting and Phoebe's premonition that's where you were when ... Just promise me that you'll stay away. Andy: Prue, I can't do that. Prue: I mean it. Don't make me use my magic on you. (They smile.) Andy, I don't want anything to happen to you. You know how much I still love you. Andy: No, I didn't. (They hug.) [Scene: Outside Halliwell manor. Andy's sitting in his car. Rodriguez arrives in front of the manor. Andy ducks. Kit growls at Rodriguez. Inside the manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are looking at the Book of Shadows.] Piper: Is there anything in there about time loops? Phoebe: There's a spell to accelerate time but that's about it. I'm telling you, this is all part of his evil plan. I just haven't had enough time to figure it out yet. (The doorbell rings.) Prue: What time is it? Piper: Just before six. Phoebe: I'll get it. (The doorbell rings a couple more times.) Alright already. (The door flies open and the lightening out of Rodriguez's hand hits Phoebe and she hits the wall.) Piper: Phoebe! (The lightning then hits Piper and she crashes through the glass door. He then tries to get Prue but her power makes the lightning fly back into him. He explodes and vanishes.) Prue: Oh my God, no. (She runs over to Piper.) Piper. (She's crying.) [Scene: Rodriguez's place. Tempus turns back time again. Rodriguez appears.] Rodriguez: Son of a bitch! Tempus: Failed again, I see. Rodriguez: Yeah, but I learned. This time I got two of 'em. Third time is the charm. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Wednesday morning. A paperboy rides along the road, a car honks and he waves. He throws the paper on the Halliwell's lawn. Inside the manor.] Weather Girl: (on TV) Good morning, San Francisco. Well, it looks like it's going to be a beautiful Wednesday in the Bay area. (Phoebe's on the phone. She turns off the TV.) Phoebe: Don't tell me. I already know. You spilt marinara sauce on your dress, right? Am I right? Think Piper, think. Doesn't all of this seem awfully familiar to you? Prue: (Entering the kitchen.) Morning. Phoebe: Freeze. No, not you, Piper. (Kit's on the bench.) Kit knocks over pepper. Meows. (Kit does so. Prue looks at Phoebe as if to say "how'd you know that?") Hold that thought. Okay, Piper, you need to get home as soon as you can, okay, we've got major demon hunting to do. Oh, and if you run into someone named Joanne from high school, just tell her to go stick it. I will explain later, just hurry. Prue: Okay, what's going on? Phoebe: Quick, follow me. (They go to the window.) 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Car honks ... (a car honks) skids ... (a car skids) crashes ... (a car crashes) Mrs. Henderson's car. A little fender bender. Good thing I parked your car in the driveway last night, huh? Prue: How did you know that? Phoebe: Because this has all happened once before, Prue, maybe even more than once. The day keeps repeating itself. I know it and every time it happens I think I figure it out just a little faster. It must be my power of premonition. Premonition ... I'm supposed to be having a premonition right about now. Prue: Supposed to? What do you mean? Phoebe: The paper. Look at the front page. (She does so.) Prue: Andy. Phoebe: Is in trouble. More than you know, Prue. If I touch that paper, I will have a premonition . The same one that I've had before. Where Andy gets killed here by a demon. You have got to believe me. Prue: No, I believe you. The question is what do we do about it? Phoebe: Well, you've got to go warn Andy. Keep him away from our house at all costs. Meanwhile, I've got to dig through the Book Of Shadows, find a way to vanquish this time demon before he can kill Andy. [Scene: In the street outside the clock shop. A cuckoo clock chimes and Rodriguez shoots it with his gun.] Tempus: You really shouldn't of done that. You shouldn't do anything differently if you want to succeed tonight. Rodriguez: I will succeed tonight, old man. There'll be no more time loops. This time I'll kill Prue first and then the other two and when they die, they're gonna feel every ounce of pain they've given me and then some. [Scene: Quake.] Piper: Uh, Joanne, I'm so sorry, but I can't do this segment right now. Um, something's happened, something bad, I have to go. Joanne: What? Run out of marinara sauce? Piper: Look, I know I don't have the flashy job or the flashy ring or the flashy designer suit but that doesn't make me less than you or anybody else. And just because I may not have realized my dreams yet like you think you have, doesn't mean I won't find a way to do exactly that. And when I do, you can be damn sure I'll be doing it with my own nose and not the one some discount doctor gave me. [Scene: Park.] Andy: A time loop? You mean demons can actually do that sort of thing? Prue: None that I've ever seen before but if it is a demon, it's the most powerful one we've ever come up against. Andy: He's going through all this just to kill me. No way, Prue. If he's as powerful as you say, then he's gotta be after you. Prue: Andy, please just let us handle this. Whatever you do you have to promise me that you'll stay away from the manor. Andy: I can't promise you that, Prue. If you're right and Rodriguez is the demon then it's a trap. Prue: Yeah, then I'll have Piper and Phoebe there to back me up, alright, the power of three. Andy: What if that's what he wants, all three of you together. What if that's the reason he set the time loop? Prue: We'll just have to take our chances. Andy: You could get killed, Prue. Prue: I mean it. This is not your fight. Don't make me use my magic on you. Andy, I would die if anything happened to you. I love you. Andy: I love you too, Prue. (They hug.) [Scene: Outside manor. Andy's in his car. Rodriguez walks past Kit and Kit growls. Rodriguez's eyes glow red and Kit runs away. Andy sees it and grabs his gun.] Andy: Oh my God, Prue. [Inside manor. Phoebe's reading the Book of Shadows.] Phoebe: The devil's sorcerer, Tempus. He can manipulate time anyway he chooses. Piper: Does it say how to vanquish him? Phoebe: Uh, take him out of the time that he's in. What ever that means. [Rodriguez kicks open the door and throws the lightning stuff at Prue, but Piper pushes her out of the way just in time and they fall to the floor. Andy runs in.] Andy: No! (He shoots at Rodriguez and Rodriguez throws lightning stuff at him.) Phoebe: Andy! (Andy flies through the air and hits a glass cabinet. Piper freezes Rodriguez.) Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah, is Prue okay? Piper: Yeah, she's out cold. (They see Andy and run over to him. Piper feels his pulse.) Oh my God. He's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. It's 6:15pm. Rodriguez is tied to a chair.] Phoebe: The only reason you're still alive is because I haven't worked out how to kill you yet. Rodriguez: Go ahead. Kill me witch. I don't care. Piper: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: I'm trying to save Andy. Piper: Andy, Andy's dead, you can't save him, Phoebe. Phoebe: No? We're in a time loop aren't we? All we have to do is start the day over and Andy lives. And I'm willing to bet that his death somehow triggers the time loop? Rodriguez: I'm impressed. I was told you wouldn't know that. Phoebe: Really? By who? Tempus? Yeah, we know about him too. And we also know you're not him otherwise you would of started the day by now. So, where do we find him? Rodriguez: In your nightmares. Kill me. I dare you. (Piper pulls Phoebe away.) Piper: Why is he so willing to let us kill him? Phoebe: Who cares. If he dies, Andy lives. End of story. Piper: What if that's exactly his plan? To reset the day and he can kill us all next. Rodriguez: It doesn't matter. The day's gonna reset itself anyway, there's not a damn thing to do about Piper: Shut up. Come on, we have to wake Prue. (They bend now next to Prue.) Phoebe: Prue. Prue. Come on, we need your help. Andy's voice: Prue. Prue. Come to me, Prue. (We enter Prue's dream. She and Andy are there. There's a seat swing surrounded by fog.) Prue: Andy? What's going on? Where are we? Andy: I'm not quite sure really. I hoped I'd end up here, but not so soon. One thing I do know is that I'm staying. You're not. Prue: I don't understand. Andy: I broke your promise, Prue. I came to your house tonight. Turns out Phoebe's premonition was one you couldn't stop after all. Weren't suppose to stop. Prue: Wait a minute, Andy, no. Andy: It's okay, Prue, really, trust me. This is my destiny. I know that now. Yours is to continue on. Everything happens for a reason, remember you taught me that. Prue: This isn't fair. Andy: You need to go back. You need to keep the time loop from being reset again or you and your sisters will be killed. And I will have died in vein. Prue: I'll kill Rodriguez for this. Andy: No you won't. You're not a murderer, Prue, you're a good person who does good things. Prue: I don't wanna lose you. Andy: Don't worry. You won't. (They kiss.) I'll always be there for you, Prue. (He disappears.) Phoebe's voice: Prue, come one, honey. Prue. Prue. [Back at the manor.] Piper: Prue, come on, wake up, sweetie. (She wakes up. They help her off the floor.) Phoebe: Easy, easy. Prue: Where is Andy? Phoebe: Prue, something terrible has happened. (She sees Andy lying on the floor with a blanket covering him.) Prue: Oh my God. Piper: It all happened so fast, Prue. He ran in the door when Rodriguez attacked. He was trying to save us. Prue: And he'll succeed. Where's the Book of Shadows? Phoebe: It's right here. Why? Prue: Where's the spell that you saw to accelerate time? Rodriguez: What are you doing? Phoebe: There. Rodriguez: What's going on? Piper: But we don't want to accelerate time, we want to reverse it. Prue: No we don't, trust me. The only chance that we have to get rid of Tempus is to do this by breaking the time loop, okay. Phoebe: But if we break the time loop we won't be able to save Andy. Prue: I know. Piper: Prue, are you sure? Prue: No I'm not. (She starts reading the spell.) "Winds of time gather 'round, Give me wings to speed my way ..." Rodriguez: Wait a minute ... Prue: "Rush me on my journey forward, let tomorrow be today." Rodriguez: What's happening? (The hands on the clock speed around the clock face. Tempus turns into fire and disappears.) Piper: Prue ... Prue: You know what, just untie him get him outta here. Phoebe: What? Piper: He'll kill us. Prue: No he won't. He doesn't have the power to kill us, otherwise he wouldn't of needed Tempus. Phoebe: I will not untie him, Prue. (Prue uses her power and the ropes untie.) Prue: Get outta here before I change my mind. Rodriguez: You stupid witch. (He walks towards the door but stops. He turns around, his eyes glow red, he throws lightning stuff and Prue uses her powers and the lightning goes back to him. He explodes and turns into dust.0 Prue: We may not be murderers but we're no angels either. (She walks over to Andy, kneels next to him and starts crying.) [Scene: Cemetery. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Morris are there. Prue lays a rose on top of Andy's coffin.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen.] Weather Girl: Good morning, San Francisco, well it looks like it's going to be a gorgeous Monday morning here in the Bay area. (Phoebe turns off the TV.) Phoebe: She really needs another shtick. That one's getting boring. Piper: Maybe she should hire Joanne Hertz, boost the ratings. Phoebe: Speaking of the she devil herself, did you ever call to reschedule your segment? Piper: No, I'm not going to. Phoebe: Why? Piper: I've decided to quit my job. Phoebe: What? Piper: And actually, I owe it all to Joanne. She made me realize that somehow I had forgotten what my dreams were, still are. I always wanted to be a chef and have my own restaurant not manage one. It's a good job and it pays okay but it's not my dream job. Phoebe: I think that's great. I really do. And don't worry, if you need any help trilling the classifieds I am an expert. (They walk outside where Prue is sitting on the steps.) Piper: Prue, are you alright? Prue: Actually I am. Andy's been exonerated, they are now looking for Rodriguez. Piper: Good luck. Phoebe: Hey, are you sure you're alright? Prue: Yeah. I was just thinking all that we've been through since we became witches. Rodriguez: Give you a headache? Prue: No actually, it gave me a good feeling. I mean, look, it's hassle and can sometimes screw up our personal lives. Piper: Amen to that. Prue: And we do good things together. Helps offset the bad things. Phoebe: I'm gonna really miss Andy. Piper: It's gonna be very sad without him. Prue: Something tells me that he'll always be with us. We better get ready for work. Piper: I'll tell her later. Prue: Tell me what? Piper: Nothing. It's not important. Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing. (They walk inside and Prue points at the door and it swings shut.)

Phoebe experiences a powerful and deadly premonition of death at Halliwell manor which shows Inspector Rodriguez unmasked in a demonic attack on the sisters, resulting in Andy being killed. Vowing to prevent Andy's death, Prue heads to the police department to warn Andy that Rodriguez is a demon working undercover. As the Rodriguez makes plans for his attempt to kill the Charmed Ones, he receives a visit from Tempus (David Carradine), a demon who can turn back time that was sent by The Source to help in case he fails. Tempus rewinds time each time Rodriguez fails to kill the Charmed Ones until the warlock succeeds in killing all the sisters. Andy is waiting in his car, after being told by Prue to stay away because it was dangerous. He sees Rodriguez entering the house and goes in to protect Prue. Andy bursts in before Rodriguez can harm the sisters and attempts to shoot him, but Rodriguez fires an energy ball at Andy, killing him. Piper freezes Rodriguez and she and Phoebe are shocked to find Andy dead. Prue receives a vision from Andy's spirit, which helps her to move on. The sisters vanquish Rodriguez and attend Andy's funeral.

fd_FRIENDS_02x22

fd_FRIENDS_02x22_0

Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. [Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.] MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon. ALL: Ohhh. MONICA: What? ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things? MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food committee? ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees? JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun? ROSS: Yeah. PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are. MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want. [Joey is staring at Monica's breasts] MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk. CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.] ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come. MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper. PHOEBE: Why not her? JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff. CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back. MONICA: Joey that is horriable. JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know. JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok. [Rachel enters] ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go? RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell. CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship. RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica. MONICA: So what happened? RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours. PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents. MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom? CHANDLER: Why her mom? MONICA: Cause I already invited her. PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth? JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.] PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake? MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan. CHANDLER: Excuse me? MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo. [knock at the door] MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here? MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday? MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye. MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee. MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey. MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it? CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? [knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene] MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica. [Monica slams the door back shut] MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus. CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy. JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed. MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom] MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that? MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet. MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel? CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young. PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white women. MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom? CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya. MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out] PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom] MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do? JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room. MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place. CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again? MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area. JOEY: Right this is staging. CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area. JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall] [Scene: Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.] CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin. MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross. CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment] RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner. ROSS: Thanks for being born. RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you. ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok. RACHEL: Now I love you even more. [they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights] ALL: Surprise. RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great. MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: No, I knew. ROSS: All right. MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall. ROSS: What? RACHEL: What? MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now. RACHEL: Why. MONICA: Just go. [they walk across the hall] ALL: Surprise. MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea. RACHEL: Daddy. [Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.] RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here? CHANDLER: Well, we could count again. RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening. ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares. RACHEL: I do. ROSS: That's who. CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok? RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes. CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan. RACHEL: What? CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee. [Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.] CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party. JOEY: Quick volleyball question. CHANDLER: Volleyball. JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you? CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you. GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis. CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back] RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while. ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers? RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok. [Back in Monica's party] MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out. [Back in Chandler and Joey's party] ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game? MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today. ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead. [Back in Monica's party] MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going? GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe... MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker. PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go. GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again. PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out. GUNTHER: What? PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink. ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want? MR. GREENE: Scotch. ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass. MR. GREENE: Neat. ROSS: Cool. MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks. ROSS: I know. [Back at Monica's party] MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been? ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse. MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink. ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister? MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket. ROSS: No. no. MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no? ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir. MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too. ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses] MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny. PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster? MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything. PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again. MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those? ROSS: Mine. MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals? ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals. MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that? RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames. ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them. GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here. MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked. RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney. ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene] MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses? ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you. MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes? ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip. [SCENE_BREAK] [Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.] PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute. GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor? PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious. GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat. PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door. GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer? PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.] MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament. [Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her] MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here? GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor] PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh. MONICA: Phoebe. PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go. MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind] [Back at Monica's party] RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist? MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father. RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing. [Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place. RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff. [Monica's party] MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat. [Chandler and Joey's party] MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on a boat... MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs... MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it... MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs. MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County... MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes... MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua... MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but... MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat... [Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.] CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor. RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this? CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed. RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July. CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other? RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just... CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.] [Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.] MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun. MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem. MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came. MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall. MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye. RACHEL: Oh ok. MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. RACHEL: Ok. [Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.] JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe. MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing. ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing? CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going? MR. GREENE: To get my coat. GUYS: No no no. MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own coat. [the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across] CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high. PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe. MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you. PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway. JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care. MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years. MONICA: Thank you. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.] MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan. CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun. JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection. MONICA: Ok, that's enough. PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish. RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.

Monica only invites Rachel's mother, who is going through a contentious divorce from Rachel's father, to Rachel's birthday party. When Dr. Green unexpectedly arrives, an impromptu second party is set up at Chandler and Joey's apartment to keep the hostile couple apart. Things quickly go awry, but despite a few close calls, both Greens are kept apart.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x18

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x18_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] PEYTON : You saved me. BROOKE : You saved me, too. NATHAN : I borrowed some money from these guys, so they asked me to shave a few points in the last game. JIMMY : Everyone get away from the door. MOUTH : Oh, Jimmy, what did you do? JIMMY : Go. DAN : What are you doing here, Lucas? LUCAS : I don't think Jimmy killed Keith. DAN : Keith's dead, okay? He's not coming back. Open your eyes. KEITH : Open your eyes, Luke. Open your eyes. LUCAS : Hey, Skills. You know this girl? SKILLS : Yeah, that's Abby. She was in the tutor center. Jimmy let her go. OUTSIDE ABBY BROWN'S HOUSE It follows the end of the last episode, Lucas knocks at the door LUCAS (voiceover) : Sometimes, I wonder if anything is absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong... good and bad... truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable... left to interpretation, gray? LADY : Who is it? LUCAS : My name's Lucas Scott. I was wondering if I may talk to Abby. LADY : There's no Abby here. You have the wrong address. LUCAS : Well, no, no, no! I was just... (She shuts the door) LUCAS : Thanks for nothing. (Lucas leaves but looks upstairs and see someone behind the curtains) LUCAS (voiceover) : Sometimes, we're forced to bend the truth... transform it... because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes... things simply catch up to us. OUTSIDE TREE HILL HIGH Whitey arrives in his car, reporters are waiting for him REPORTER : Coach Durham, can you address the allegations of point-shaving and illegal activity within the Ravens? WHITEY : Look, I'm gonna say this one time and one time only. This is the best group of boys I've had in 35 years of coaching. These are not cheaters. They're champions... every one of them. RIVERCOURT Nathan and Haley are sitting on the table NATHAN : There's only three things I'm afraid of losing in this world, Haley... you, our son, and the game. HALEY : How bad will it get if they find out about you and Daunte? NATHAN : They'll take my scholarship for sure. And I probably won't play anywhere... ever. THE APARTMENT Peyton is taking a shower and she suddenly has vision of Derek. OUTSIDE TREE HILL HIGH Brooke is arriving at school, Chase shoves her CHASE : Sorry. BROOKE : It's fine. CHASE : Hey, Brooke. I heard about that stalker thing. I tried calling you, but I never heard back. BROOKE : Yeah, it's... Where's your Clean-Teen T-shirt? CHASE : Things change, you know? BROOKE : Yeah, I know. (She leaves) INSIDE TREE HILL HIGH Peyton is in front of her locker, Brooke joins her BROOKE : Hey. Do I have any blood on me? PEYTON : No, why? BROOKE : 'Cause I just saw Chase, and it feels like I got my heart ripped out. PEYTON : I think you'll be okay. Do I look insane? BROOKE : No, why? PEYTON : I saw him again. This time in the shower. BROOKE : Peyton, you got to stop doing this to yourself, okay? Fake psycho Derek... whatever the hell his name is... he's locked up. You know that. PEYTON : Yeah, that's what they said last time... or what he said. I don't know. Maybe if I just see it with my own eyes that he's actually behind bars... BROOKE : Maybe. Come on. (They start walking and Peyton has a vision of Derek again) PEYTON : Hey... You know what, I'm gonna have to catch up with you, okay? BROOKE : Okay. INSIDE PRISON Peyton comes to see Derek in his cell DEREK : Hi, baby. I knew you'd come. Well, they said that you wouldn't, but... I knew that you would. PEYTON : I want to know why. Why me? Why did you pick me? DEREK : You love me. PEYTON : No. I don't. I hate you. Don't you get that? You're just a deranged, pathetic psycho, and I never, ever want to see you again, okay? DEREK : Then why'd you come? Have I been in your head? You asked me to come into your life, Peyton. You got undressed in front of your webcam because you knew it would make me want you. You posted those pictures online. PEYTON : You are wrong. DEREK : Am I? Is that why you're dressed like that today? Are you a tease, Peyton? Dressing sexy... wearing that perfume, making me... ache for you, and then saying no? PEYTON : Stop. DEREK : Are you a tease, Peyton? Because that would really be disappointing. PEYTON : I did not do this. You did this. (She leaves) DEREK : No, you did this! You did this to me, Peyton! It's all your fault! You did this to me! You did this! Tease! DAN'S HOUSE Dan is looking at his gun and hides it when Nathan walks in NATHAN : Thought you'd look a lot worse, considering the walls are closing in. DAN : What do you mean? NATHAN : The point-shaving, dad. DAN : Right. What are you hearing? NATHAN : Nothing. You think it's Bear? DAN : No, no. If it was Bear, he'd have pointed them right to us. Sounds like the whispers of someone who lost a lot of money but isn't close enough to know the details. NATHAN : They're asking questions about Lucas now, and it's not right. He only missed those free throws because of me. DAN : Okay. But that's the only time I ever want to hear you say that out loud. Look, first, you won the state championship and every postseason game that Lucas played in, so they're grasping at straws. NATHAN : You don't think it's serious? DAN : No, it's serious... because if they find proof, your future's in jeopardy. But I don't think they're gonna find any proof. NATHAN : So, what do I do? DAN : You stay cool. Deny everything. And pray no one uncovers the truth. ABBY BROWN'S HOUSE Lucas is watching from his car. When the mother leaves, he goes inside the house and find Abby LUCAS : I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't mean to scare you. My name's Lucas Scott. We... We go to school together at Tree Hill. Do you know me? (Abby shakes her head) LUCAS : My uncle was Keith Scott, and I know that you were in the tutor center that day, and I know that Jimmy let you go. So... Listen... I have to know what you saw, Abby. Okay? You got to tell me. Did Jimmy Edwards... kill Keith? (Abby shakes her head) (Then her mother enters the room) ABBY'S MOM : What is this? What the hell is this? LUCAS : Look, Mrs. Brown, I can exp... ABBY'S MOM : Get out. Get the hell out of my house, or I'll call the police! LUCAS : And tell them what, huh? That your daughter knows the truth about my uncle's death? ABBY'S MOM : Your uncle was Keith Scott? I'm very sorry for you, but my daughter has been traumatized since then. She hasn't been to school. Her life has become very difficult, and that is why I lied to you last night. LUCAS : Listen, Abby told me that Jimmy Edwards didn't kill my uncle Keith. ABBY'S MOM : Did she? Honey, is your name Abby? (Abby shakes her head) ABBY'S MOM : Am I your mother? (Abby shakes her head) ABBY'S MOM : Are you sure? (Abby shakes her head again) ABBY'S MOM : Now, I'm very sorry for your loss. That day changed all of us... and none of us for the better. But I'd like you to leave. And Lucas, don't come back. Abby has been through enough. INSIDE LUCAS'S BEDROOM Haley is waiting, Lucas enters LUCAS : Hey. HALEY : Hey. LUCAS : Jeez, you look worse than I do. HALEY : Yeah. Um, listen, uh, the thing is that, uh... Nathan said this whole gambling thing's just gonna go away, and I don't real know, uh, how much I believe that, and I just wanted to know what you thought ... if you think that he's right or... or do you think he's right? LUCAS : No. It's not going away. HALEY : 'Cause he said that they're just focusing on you, and then they're not gonna find anything, and nothing's gonna happen. LUCAS : Yeah, but, see, that's the problem. You know, yeah, I mean, I missed a couple free throws, but I'm a sub. I played half a season, 15 minutes a night. No gambler's gonna build a point-shaving scheme around a reserve. HALEY : Okay, so, what is gonna happen, then? LUCAS : Well, I think that after they're done looking at me, that they're gonna start taking a look at Nathan. I hate to say it, Hales, but when they do... it's gonna end up really bad. HALEY : Okay. Okay, um... How bad is... is really bad? LUCAS : Well, Nathan's not gonna go to jail. But he's not gonna go to Duke, either. THE APARTMENT Peyton is sleeping but she is awake by Derek's voice DEREK (voiceover): It's all your fault! (She turns her head and sees a vision of Derek right beside her) DEREK : Tease. (Brooke enters the room) BROOKE : Peyton? Hey, what's wrong? PEYTON : I went to see him. BROOKE : Who? Oh, no. Derek? PEYTON : Ian. His name is Ian. BROOKE : I know. PEYTON : You do? (Brooke take a field from a drawer) BROOKE : Been hiding these from you. There's been a lot of articles about the attack. PEYTON : I thought you were clipping coupons. BROOKE : I know, honey, but I hate coupons. (They ear the front door opening) PEYTON : Did you leave the front door unlocked? BROOKE : No. (They look scared and Haley enters the room) HALEY : I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have a key. I... I didn't know if you were sleeping. Sorry. BROOKE : It's okay. You locked the door, right? HALEY : Yes, I did. PEYTON : I used to love my room, and he took it from me. Psycho Derek. It's like I... I really thought if we just fought back, like, if we attacked our attacker, that he would go away, but he hasn't. HALEY : It's really gonna take some time, Peyton. You guys went through something really traumatic. PEYTON : Yeah, but what if you have finals and you can't sleep and you don't have time? BROOKE : Well, then, hopefully, you have a friend who's gonna tell you that life kicks you around sometimes. It... It scares you, and it beats you up. But... there's a day when you realize that you're not just a survivor. You're a warrior. You're tougher than anything it throws your way. And you are, Peyton. You are. And so are you, Hales. HALEY : Thank you. And so are you, Brooke. BROOKE : Thanks. BROOKE (to Peyton) : Come here. OUTSIDE WHITEY'S HOUSE Lucas knocks at the door WHITEY : I was hoping for a booty call. LUCAS : Sorry, coach. WHITEY : What's so important it can't wait till a decent hour? LUCAS : It's the investigation. It was me. I missed those free throws in the semifinals on purpose, and I just wanted you to hear it from me before I hold a press conference tomorrow. I'm sorry, coach. WHITEY : You know, I only took a chance on you because Keith asked me to. LUCAS : I know. WHITEY : He would be ashamed of you right now... just like I am. (Whitey shuts the door) [SCENE_BREAK] RIVERCOURT Nathan is playing alone when Whitey arrives WHITEY : Keeping in shape? NATHAN : Yes, sir. WHITEY : Duke's gonna be pretty rough, especially if you're not in shape. NATHAN : Yes, sir. WHITEY : So, there's, uh... some reporters asking questions about, uh... gambling... point-shaving... that kind of thing. You know anything about that? NATHAN : No, sir. WHITEY : Well, your brother's name's not going to be worth a damn when this whole thing comes down. NATHAN : What do you mean? Lucas didn't do anything wrong. WHITEY : Not what he says. NATHAN : What? INSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE Lucas is watching a picture of Keith when Nathan enters the house NATHAN : What the hell is wrong with you? LUCAS : You're welcome. NATHAN : Screw that, Luke. We said we weren't gonna say anything. We agreed. LUCAS : So what? NATHAN : So what did you do? LUCAS : I went and saved your stupid ass so you could play college basketball and have everything you've ever dreamed about. NATHAN : You know what? That's a bunch of crap. We could have beat this thing, man. LUCAS : Sounds like you're feeling a little guilty to me. NATHAN : Yeah, of course I'm feeling guilty, but you shouldn't have said anything to Whitey, man. That was a stupid thing to do. LUCAS : You know what? I don't care. I'm not going to college to play basketball anyway. It doesn't matter. NATHAN : It doesn't matter that for the rest of time, people are gonna talk? They're gonna say you disgraced the game, Luke. That doesn't matter to you? LUCAS : Let them say what they want to say about me. It's what they say about Jimmy Edwards. That matters to me. And what they say about Keith. But this? At least I know the truth about this. NATHAN : Peyton thinks I'm a martyr. I can't stop this, Luke. I just... I'm this close, man, and I got the baby. I can't. You shouldn't have said anything. THE APARTMENT Brooke opens the curtains to awake Peyton PEYTON : What's going on? BROOKE : It's a new day. Move your scrawny butt. I checked the shower, and psycho Ian's not in there, so you need to be, because, no offense, you're kind of rank. PEYTON : Thanks a lot. BROOKE : Well, I just call them likeI smell them. Choppity-Choppity. PEYTON : What are you doing? BROOKE : I told you. We're warriors. We kicked that idiot's psychotic ass, so a new day dawns, P. Sawyer. PEYTON : Yeah, but when I went to go see him... Brooke, he said I led him on... that I led him on with, like, my podcasts and my webcam and the way that I dress. BROOKE : Peyton. So you're saying that every girl who wears a little bit of lipstick and a short skirt is asking to be assaulted and raped? PEYTON : No, of course not, but... I did give him full access to my life, and now he knows all this stuff about me. And he uses it, you know? He uses it to get in. BROOKE : Okay. Then it's time we start learning a little bit about him. Get up and fight, warrior. And take a shower. GUN ROOM CLERK : Just the ammo today, sir? DAN : Yeah, just the ammo. CLERK : The only reason I ask is, we just got this baby in today. .45 automatic, and if you've got your handgun permit, you can be shooting her today. (Dan hold the gun and start aiming, then a little girl sees him, she get scared and drops the doll she was holding) CLERK : How'd that feel? THE APARTMENT Brooke and Peyton are looking on the computer BROOKE : Jeez. Who knew there were so many Ian Banks? PEYTON : Maybe we should add "stalker" to the search. BROOKE : Really. PEYTON : So, where's your head at with Chase these days? BROOKE : I don't know. I think about him a lot. You know how it is. Start wondering if he ever thinks about me, and if he does, is it the same? Did he leave 'cause of the videotape, or was he just looking for an out? You know... same old self-doubt. Oh, wow. This is him. He's not from St. Flora. He's from Texas. PEYTON : What? BROOKE : Oh, my god. His girlfriend looks just like you, if you... PEYTON : If I what? BROOKE : If you were dead. ABBY BROWN'S HOUSE Abby comes to see her mom ABBY : I want to tell someone, mom. ABBY'S MOM : Abby. ABBY : I'm tired of lying about what I saw, and I'm tired of hiding out and pretending I'm crazy. I want to go back to school, mom. ABBY'S MOM : Honey, you can't. As soon as I make enough money, we'll go someplace different. We will, but for now, we have to do it this way. ABBY : Why? ABBY'S MOM : Because I say so. That's why. ABBY : So what, then? We just hide from our lives? ABBY'S MOM : At least we have lives. ABBY : Not really, mom. And you might be afraid of this, but I'm not. ABBY'S MOM : Abby. Abby. Abby! (Abby starts leaving and opens the front door. Dan is there) ABBY'S MOM : You need to get out of here. DAN : I want to talk to you. ABBY'S MOM : I said get out! DAN : Calm down! Just shut up! Will you shut up?! Just... Okay, look. I need you to sit down. Just... Just go sit down. (They go to the couch) DAN : Sit down. You're Abby Brown. Look, I don't know what you think you might have seen. ABBY'S MOM :She didn't see anything. DAN : Shut up! Just... You made a mistake. ABBY : No. I saw you. I saw everything. ABBY'S MOM :Abby. She's not well. ABBY : I know what you did. And so do you. DAN : My brother Keith was always better than me. He had a better heart. People liked him more. No, they loved him. Karen loved him. But... Karen was mine. She was supposed to be mine. ABBY'S MOM :She was just a girl who went to school that day. She's just a girl. ABBY : I hope you burn in hell. DAN : So do I. (Dan put the little girl's doll on the table and leaves) INSIDE PRISON Peyton and Brooke come visiting Derek/Ian IAN : Well, if it isn't tease one and tease two. Did you come back for another kiss? BROOKE : Not really, Derek. Or should I call you "Ian"? Yeah, we know your real name. Actually, we know a lot of things about you. We spoke to all your teachers at the Alton Academy and the girls you used to date. IAN : You don't know anything about me. PEYTON : Really? Susanna Gold ring a bell? You know, a lot of teenage boys have performance anxiety. IAN : I know a lot of teenage girls who are teases, too. BROOKE : Is that really the best that you've got? 'Cause we have a lot more than some podcasts and a few webcam photos, Ian Banks. IAN : Whatever. BROOKE : Boyfriend of Maggie Watterson. Or should I say former boyfriend? IAN : You shut your mouth, you whore. PEYTON : Hey, what happened to Maggie, Ian? IAN : I don't know what you're talking about. BROOKE : Really? 'Cause the accident... you were driving. It was prom night. IAN : No, it wasn't my fault! PEYTON : What happened, Ian? Ian? IAN : We were just messing around... driving fast. My father never let me drive that car. He loved that car. PEYTON : The road was slippery. You lost control. IAN : I tried to wake her up. There was just... blood. There was just so much blood. Her parents said it was my fault. They... They all said it. PEYTON : I can't be Maggie, Ian. I'm not Maggie. IAN : We were gonna be together forever. She loved me. She... She trusted me. BROOKE : She forgives you. PEYTON : She forgives you... I forgive you, too. IAN : I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. (Ian starts crying) PEYTON : I'm not gonna be seeing you anymore. You're not gonna see us, either... ever. Ever. Goodbye, Ian. I hope you find peace. SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley and Nathan are in bed. NATHAN : We talked about not saying anything. Lucas... he was supposed to do nothing. HALEY : He's really just trying to help out. NATHAN : It's just so Lucas, you know? Trying to be the hero. I'm not gonna feel guilty about it. Nobody asked him to do this. HALEY : That's not exactly true. He's doing this for me because I asked him to. And if you're not gonna feel guilty about it, then I sure as hell will, because he is my best friend and he's your brother and he's doing this for all of us. For you and me and our son, and, um... it just really sucks. NATHAN : Damn it. I'm sorry, Hales. I'm sorry I put us through this. I'm sorry I made you ask Lucas to take the blame. I'm sorry I've been so weak about all this. HALEY : You are about to make every dream you've had come true. Everybody understands that. NATHAN : No, it's not worth it. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? We're gonna be parents soon. What would we want our son to do? What would make us proud? And what am I gonna say to him someday when he asks about this? That I was Dan? That I put what I wanted in front of everything else? HALEY : Nathan... you're gonna lose it all... your scholarship, the game that you love. NATHAN : I won't lose it all. I'll still have you, and we'll still have our son... and we'll have that feeling that in the face of all this, we didn't lose our way. We still know right from wrong. HALEY : I'm just... scared for you. I love you for this, but... but it's just not... it's not my dream that's dying. It's yours. NATHAN : It's gonna be hard. I know that, but... the people I admire are the people that carve a life for themselves after their dream dies. My father could never get past it, Hales. He could never let go of what he wanted when he was 17... and look what it did to him. LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is dreaming of him a the rivercourt, seeing Abby ABBY (voiceover) : Open your eyes, Lucas. Open your eyes. (He wakes up and Abby is there, in his room) LUCAS : Abby? ABBY : I need to talk to you. I know what my mom said, and I'm sorry she lied, but I need to tell you some things. LUCAS : You were hiding in the hallway. (We start seeing some flashbacks from the shooting episode) ABBY : I got scared, and I ran, but I was worried about the others and Jimmy, too. I saw it in his eyes when he let me go. He was just scared, too. LUCAS : You came back. And what happened after that? Huh? Abby? Come on, you got to tell me. Please. ABBY : Your uncle Keith... he tried to help Jimmy. (KEITH : Please. ) ABBY : But he couldn't. And Jimmy... LUCAS : Jimmy what? Jimmy what? (KEITH : No!) LUCAS : Was my uncle Keith still alive when Jimmy shot himself? (Abby nods) LUCAS : Who shot him, Abby? ABBY : I thought once he realized someone knew the truth, he'd come forward, so I stalked him with messages and threats. I thought he'd turn himself in. I thought I'd be safe. But he found me. LUCAS : Who?! Who killed... Who killed my uncle? ABBY : Your father. It was your father... Dan Scott. He killed Keith. He was there... and he picked up the gun... and you know I'm right, don't you? You know it in your heart. LUCAS : You have to come forward. You got to tell somebody, Abby. (She starts leaving) LUCAS : Abby, you have to tell somebody! ABBY : I did. I told you. I'm sorry. (She leaves) TREE HILL HIGH The reporters are there for the press conference. Nathan comes to see Whitey, in private NATHAN : Coach. WHITEY : I don't know how you can look your brother in the eye, Nathan. This is a damn disgrace. NATHAN : Coach, I lied to you on the River Court yesterday and during the playoffs. It wasn't Lucas. WHITEY : I know. NATHAN : I'm sorry. WHITEY : So am I... more than you'll ever know. (Whitey leaves) Haley joins Nathan, they walk together outside to the press conference. Lucas is in the audience NATHAN : When I was 2 years old, I made my first basket. When I was 6, basketball went from being a game to a sport. Since then, I've played 7,072 official minutes... probably 20,000 or 30,000 unofficial. But for 32 minutes this season, over the course of two games, I did not compete to the best of my ability. I regret this. And I regret that the fear of losing the opportunity to continue playing the game that I've always loved prevented me from standing up and taking full responsibility for this sooner. I apologize to my coach and to my teammates and to all the kids who look up to me... especially to the kids. And while I never lost a game on purpose, the truth is still the truth. And you can spin it and shade it and bend it, but there's still right and wrong, and I was wrong. And the truth is, I've forsaken a game that's always been incredibly good to me and teammates that have been like brothers... and a brother that was a teammate. To my coach... my wife... my father, and my family, I apologize for the burden I know this will bring. I know that the integrity of the game cannot be compromised. I regret that my own integrity was not as steadfast. I'm deeply remorseful for the choices I've made, but I will accept whatever consequences there might be. I love this game. I'm sorry I betrayed it. THE APARTMENT Peyton enters the room. The walls are paint in red and there are Peyton's music albums on the shelves. PEYTON : Brooke... BROOKE : You loved your room, Peyton. And, maybe, like you said, that's been taken from you, but we're gonna take it back. We're gonna take everything back. LUCAS' HOUSE Dan enters Lucas' empty bedroom. Then Karen sees him. KAREN : Dan? DAN : I've done some horrible things. Unforgivable things. Lucas didn't need a father. He had one. He had a person who helped him erase the shame of my cowardice. Everything I've touched, I've diminished... Deb's life, Nathan's talent. Keith. KAREN : You're... you're not without redemption. I've... I've seen it. I see it. DAN : That's not true. That's not true. I just want to... I want to go back, you know? I just want to go back. I... I want to take that little kid that I used to be and just grab him and shake him and say, "You stop. Stop! Just stop!" I want to wake up from this nightmare. I... I want to breathe again. I want to... I want to breathe again, Karen. Can you help me breathe? Can you help me quiet these voices in my head that tell me I've lost you? Because I know that I have. If only I would have stayed with you. Lucas comes home and find Karen and Dan kissing. LUCAS (voiceover) : Truth is still absolute. Believe that... even when that truth s hard and cold and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth... is more cruel than any lie.

Nathan fears for his future as past mistakes come back to haunt him and Haley. Lucas hears a shocking confession after making contact with the mysterious witness to Keith's murder. Brooke rekindles her friendship with Peyton after crossing paths with Chase.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_04x04

fd_Gilmore_Girls_04x04_0

OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory pulls up in her car, grabs some bags from the trunk, then walks into the house. An alarm starts blaring.] LORELAI: Oh, crap! [tries to turn off the alarm] RORY: What's going on? Is it the smoke detector? Are we on fire? LORELAI: It's not the smoke detector, it's the alarm! RORY: What alarm? LORELAI: Our alarm. RORY: We don't have an alarm. LORELAI: Well, then, we have really angry rats. Did you cut your hair? RORY: Well, I just trimmed it. LORELAI: You didn't tell me you were cutting your hair. RORY: It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. LORELAI: A spur-of-the-moment, "let's not tell my mother I'm pulling a G.I. Jane"? RORY: Are we seriously gonna have this conversation now during the air raid? LORELAI: You're right. Come on. [leads her to the other side of the room] RORY: What are we doing? LORELAI: I figured out that there is a motion detector, and if you stand over here, it can't see you and calms down. RORY: Great, so what now? LORELAI: We wait. So why didn't you tell me you were getting your hair cut? RORY: It's just a trim. LORELAI: To the Braille Institute, it's just a trim. RORY: Do you like it? LORELAI: Will you put it back if I don't? RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Yes, I like it. RORY: Thank you. [the alarm stops] RORY: Oh, thank God. LORELAI: Feels good when it's over, huh? RORY: This is crazy. When did we get an alarm? LORELAI: Well, apparently, Kirk. . . RORY: Oh, no. LORELAI: . . .has recently joined the Stars Hollow Security Company. RORY: Oh, no. LORELAI: And apparently, now that I'm the pretty spinster living all alone, he's concerned for my safety. RORY: Did he tell you all this? LORELAI: Do you think I labeled myself the pretty spinster? RORY: What did you say? LORELAI: I haven't talked to him face-to-face. I come home to this and there was a note and his card and his gun. RORY: Oh, jeez! LORELAI: Yeah, and then when I called the alarm-response center to complain about the alarm, no one answered. I had to leave a message with Meg - she sweeps up. RORY: I can't even believe there's a security company in Stars Hollow. Nothing ever happens here. LORELAI: Oh, that is not true. Plenty happens here. RORY: Like what? LORELAI: Like, people now break into your houses and install alarm systems. RORY: I heard about that. LORELAI: And we have a new mail carrier. RORY: We do? LORELAI: Yeah, so now if you wanna get your mail, you just have to go see Miss Patty. RORY: Why? LORELAI: 'Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew's, Norma's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail, which I have to admit is kind of fun. RORY: I rescind my previous statement. This place is hopping. LORELAI: So, did you eat yet? RORY: Nope. I thought I'd let you feed me. LORELAI: Sure. I can feed you, but I can't know if you're getting your hair cut. RORY: I will never do anything again without telling you - happy? LORELAI: I don't know. I'm finding this whole guilt thing rather satisfying. [Rory starts to walk away] No, no, where are you going? [The alarm starts blaring again] Agh! Why did you do that? RORY: I was gonna get my laundry! LORELAI: You made it mad! RORY: I didn't mean to! LORELAI: Back in the corner, back in the corner! RORY: Oh. LORELAI: No place like home, huh? RORY: Yeah. [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is making a trail of Post-It notes on the floor through the house; Rory comes out of her bedroom] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Follow the Post-It's. RORY: Does our life seem at all ridiculous to you? LORELAI: I spent all morning carefully tracking that motion detector. RORY: What an excellent use of your time. LORELAI: We're good as long as we stay on the path. RORY: So I should follow the yellow stick road? LORELAI: We'll be here all week, try the veal. Stop. RORY: What? LORELAI: Read. RORY: "Crouch down and hop." Oh, come on. LORELAI: The motion-detector beam at the top of the staircase dips very low over there. RORY: You seriously want me to crouch down and hop? LORELAI: Like a little hunchbacked bunny. RORY: You know, I had decided that if I ever went to therapy, I was gonna leave you out of it, but now. . . LORELAI: Okay, you can stand up. RORY: Did you at least call the stupid security company again? LORELAI: Yes, Meg sends her love. Don't worry - I'll stop by on my way to the inn. And what are your plans today, Persis Khambata? RORY: Well, today, I'm going to do nothing but hang out in town, read, veg, drink coffee, and have the perfect Stars Hollow day. LORELAI: Look out. I get to go over to the inn and hear a contractor laugh at me every time I say, "But that won't cost too much more, right?" RORY: Enjoy. LORELAI: Late lunch at Luke's? RORY: You're on. So, uh, which way do I go? LORELAI: Oh, just follow the Post-It's. RORY: But they're going in two different directions. LORELAI: They are? RORY: Look. LORELAI: Oh. I must have kicked some out of the way by accident. RORY: Well, which one do I take? LORELAI: Which looks more intentional? RORY: No Post-It path looks intentional. LORELAI: I'm drawing a complete blank. RORY: You seriously don't remember? LORELAI: Sorry. RORY: Well, how are we supposed to get out of our house? [Lorelai, imitating Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie, crosses her arms, nods her head, and blinks] LORELAI: Unng! RORY: I hate Kirk. CUT TO THE GAZEBO [Rory is sitting on the bench reading and listening to music. A man walks up and sets down a box] RORY: Whoa. What's going on? MAN: I'm just setting things up for tomorrow. RORY: Oh, tomorrow. What's - MAN 2: Heads up! [another man throws a package of tablecloths to the man in the gazebo] RORY: Whoa. MAN: I think you may need to move. RORY: Yeah, I kinda got that. Excuse me. What's tomorrow? [Across the lawn, Lindsay and her mom are talking with a wedding planner] LINDSAY: . . .tons of tulle so that everything looks like frosting. MRS. LISTER: She's our only daughter - frost the town. LINDSAY: Now, where should we put the poster? I want to make sure everybody sees it. MRS. LISTER: Oh, what about next to the cake? LINDSAY: Yes, next to the cake. [Rory walks away in the other direction] CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES [Rory walks in] RORY: Lane. LANE: Rory. RORY: Have you heard of a phone? Because as my friend, it is your responsibility to use it to call me and tell me that my ex-boyfriend's wedding is on Sunday so I'm not accidentally in it. LANE: What? RORY: I'm sitting out in the gazebo, reading, and this guy almost brains me with a stack of tablecloths. LANE: Oh, that's right, they're having their reception in the town square. RORY: Yes, and Lindsay was out there holding a giant picture of her with Dean, and. . . LANE: Oh my God, did she see you? RORY: I don't think so. I do a pretty good idiot run when I need to. LANE: I'm sorry, I meant to tell you. I just didn't know you were coming home this weekend. It totally slipped my mind. Things have been so crazy. I just figured I'd tell you when we talked, and then we didn't, and. . .oh, I'm sorry, can you hold on for a sec? [She opens an armoire. Zach and Brian are inside] ZACH: Not cool, Lane. LANE: I'm sorry, guys. BRIAN: Fourth time today. LANE: Well, I thought Rory was my mom. ZACH: The resemblance is uncanny. BRIAN: We should get your mom a bell like a cat. RORY: What's going on? LANE: We're having a band meeting. We need to figure out what to do about a guitarist. BRIAN: I think I got a splinter. ZACH: You know that a splinter can get into your bloodstream, go straight to your heart, and kill you. BRIAN: Why would you tell me that? ZACH: Whatever, dude. This is lame. I'm gonna bail. LANE: Zach, come on. BRIAN: We need to find a guitarist. LANE: That's right. We have come too far to let the band fall apart just because Dave - ZACH: Hey, do not say the "d" word, Lane. LANE: But - ZACH: Don't. LANE: Dave - ZACH: Dave is dead to me. Comprendo? Dead. Cover the mirror, rip a shirt, that guy doesn't exist. BRIAN: He just went to college, Zach. ZACH: No, he did not just go to college. He walked out on his art, man. He walked out on his sound. Do you think a sound is so easy to find? Did you ever see that Glenn Miller movie? For two hours, Jimmy Stewart's walking around, "I gotta find a sound. I gotta find a sound." Well, we had a sound and Dave took that sound to freaking California. You don't come back from California, man. It changes you. LANE: What did you expect him to do - not go to college? ZACH: No true rock 'n' roller goes to college! RORY: Mick Jagger went to the London School of Economics. ZACH: What? RORY: Yeah, and, uh, Dexter Holland of The Offspring got his PhD in molecular biology at USC. Greg Ginn of Black Flag graduated from UCLA. The guy from Bad Religion got his masters in geology from UCLA, and he's working on his PhD in evolutionary biology at Cornell. ZACH: Lane, she's your friend. RORY: I'm sorry. Um, I'm going. I'll call you later. LANE: Hey, are you mad? RORY: No, I'm not, I promise. I'm just - I'm just a little surprised. I mean, Dean's wedding. . . LANE: I know. RORY: But it's okay. It just means that I have to be a little more careful about where I go this weekend, that's all. LANE: Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow. We're using the garage - guitar auditions. RORY: Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. ZACH: Shut up, shut up, shut up. Weezer did not go to Harvard. BRIAN: Not the whole band, just the lead - ZACH: Get away from me! I mean it. RORY: Bye. LANE: Bye. [Rory leaves. She sees Dean out front on the sidewalk] RORY: Hi. DEAN: Hi. Uh, were you. . . RORY: Oh, I was at, uh, Lane's. DEAN: Right, Lane's. Um. RORY: Um. DEAN: So, you're home this weekend. RORY: Yeah, I, uh, I ran out of clean clothes and quarters, so. . .how are things? DEAN: Good. You? RORY: Good. DEAN: You like Yale? RORY: I love Yale. DEAN: I figured. RORY: And Connecticut State? DEAN: It's. . .it's good. RORY: Oh, good. I'm glad it's good. I mean, not that I would have had any recourse if it wasn't, but, uh, this makes my lack of recourse a lot easier to deal with. So, I see you've taken over the town. DEAN: Oh, yeah. Uh, well, Lindsay thought. . .she likes the gazebo, and. . . RORY: And it's her wedding. DEAN: It is her wedding. RORY: And your wedding. I mean, it's your wedding, too. DEAN: Yes, it is. It's my wedding, too. RORY: Well, it's nice. It's, um, it's pretty. It looks like heaven or a Victoria's Secret commercial, which, to some people is basically the same thing. DEAN: I didn't know you'd be home this weekend. RORY: It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. DEAN: Because if I had known, I would have, you know, invited you. RORY: Oh. Oh, well, it's. . . DEAN: I mean, I didn't want you to think I was just not inviting you. RORY: No, I didn't think that. DEAN: I just figured you'd be at school. RORY: 'Cause you're logical. DEAN: I just didn't know. RORY: No, I know you didn't know. DEAN: I didn't want you to think - RORY: No, I didn't think. I don't think. I go to Yale now. They think for you. DEAN: But, hey, since you are here, come. RORY: Come? DEAN: To my wedding. Come to my wedding. RORY: Oh, Dean. . . DEAN: You and Lorelai, I want you to. RORY: Well. . . DEAN: Chicken or beef? RORY: What? DEAN: Wait, beef. Of course, beef. I mean, the two of you are definitely beef. I mean, not like you resemble beef or anything. RORY: You know, you don't even have to - DEAN: Okay, so, noon at the church. I'll be the one in the tux. And don't worry, we didn't write our own vows and no one's singing opera. I know you think that's lame. RORY: Oh, no, well, it's a wedding. It's supposed to be. . .operatic. DEAN: Okay, so, I better get over there. Lindsay's expecting me. Uh, so, I'll just see you two tomorrow. RORY: But. . . CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is in the living room staring at the alarm system control pad] KIRK: [calls from upstairs] Now? LORELAI: Nothing. KIRK: What about now? LORELAI: No, nothing. KIRK: Okay. Now? LORELAI: Nothing. Kirk, what's supposed to happen? KIRK: What? LORELAI: I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for. Kirk? KIRK: I'm not sure. LORELAI: Kirk, please come downstairs. KIRK: Are you going to hurt me? LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK: [walking downstairs] I swear, they told me it would be self-explanatory. I just had to get in the main box, and in seconds, this thing would be disabled. They didn't tell me that I needed a key or that if I didn't have a key, that I would be mildly electrocuted, and then, after all that, when I got in the box, there's nothing self-explanatory about it. LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK: I was trying to do a nice thing. LORELAI: I know. KIRK: And Jimmy said he would install it for me because I do not have those skills yet. The class was full by the time I got there. LORELAI: That's okay. KIRK: Damn my constant tardiness. LORELAI: Kirk, please, what can we do right now? The alarm is just so loud. KIRK: Yeah, that's my fault, too. I asked Jimmy to really crank it up. LORELAI: Well, he did. KIRK: If you're gonna have an alarm, you need it loud. You don't want some crazed, knife-wielding gunman at your throat and the neighbors are going, like, "Is that a fan? Did I leave the water running?" You want them to know, "Hey, that's an alarm." LORELAI: Your imaginary attacker has a knife and a gun? KIRK: And a really dirty tank top. LORELAI: Okay. So, uh, Jimmy's out of town, but until he gets back, we can. . . KIRK: Change the code. LORELAI: Really? To something I know? KIRK: You can pick it. LORELAI: You know how to do that? KIRK: Yes, I do. LORELAI: That is perfect. KIRK: Okay, here we go. Just punch in a 7-number sequence. LORELAI: You got it. [Sookie walks in] SOOKIE: Hey. LORELAI: Hi. SOOKIE: Did you know your phone's not working? LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: I've been calling you for an hour. I had the operator check it. She said it's cut off or something. LORELAI: It was working this morning. KIRK: I'll be right back. LORELAI: Kirk! KIRK: I have tape. [goes upstairs] SOOKIE: You look tired. LORELAI: Yeah, well, Kirk. SOOKIE: Right. Hey, listen, I got a call today. LORELAI: From? SOOKIE: Michel. A very upset Michel. LORELAI: Why? SOOKIE: Well, apparently, he called you and you never called him back. LORELAI: When did he call me? SOOKIE: He said he called you in July. LORELAI: I was in Europe in July. SOOKIE: I think that he thinks we're trying to ease him out of the Dragonfly. LORELAI: Oh, come on. Why would he think that? SOOKIE: I don't know, but he was so hysterical that his voice got into that high-pitched squeal he does, and all I could make out was "fire" and "abandon me" and something about not receiving a thank-you card for the Statue of Liberty. LORELAI: That is crazy. He knows we always intended to take him with us. I mean, we love Michel, right? SOOKIE: Right. He's the best concierge in the world. LORELAI: Absolutely. A little abrasive. SOOKIE: Kind of impatient. LORELAI: But charming. SOOKIE: And great at what he does, knows the community. LORELAI: Willing to go that extra mile. SOOKIE: Tiny bit obnoxious. LORELAI: Makes you want to scream, "life's too short!" two, three times a day, but. . . SOOKIE: Picture life without him. We do need him, right? LORELAI: Let's just go down there and talk to him. SOOKIE: Right. CUT TO FANCY HOTEL [Lorelai and Sookie walk in] LORELAI: Well, we know where all those Calvin Klein ads went to die. SOOKIE: They look like they all had the same mother. LORELAI: That must be one tired supermodel. [a woman walks by] LORELAI: Excuse me, we're look- [the woman ignores her and keeps walking] LORELAI: I wouldn't talk to us either. SOOKIE: Hey, talk to a boy. A boy will be nice to you. LORELAI: Okay. [they walk up to the front desk] LORELAI: Hi. Excuse me, we're looking for Michel Gerard. CONCIERGE: The corner of Mercer and Broom. LORELAI: Excuse me? [the man points to his headset] LORELAI: Oh, Janet Jackson's on the phone. SOOKIE: Oh. CONCIERGE: Uh huh, no worries. Hi. SOOKIE: Us? CONCIERGE: Yes. LORELAI: Oh. SOOKIE: We're looking for Michel Gerard. CONCIERGE: Michel. SOOKIE: Yes, Michel Ger. . . Janet again. LORELAI: She's very needy lately. CONCIERGE: You have some guests at the front desk. Uh-huh. No worries. He comes like the wind. LORELAI: Thanks. He doesn't need our thanks. SOOKIE: Well, he has Janet, so. . . [Michel walks through the lobby toward the front desk talking on a headset] MICHEL: You have reservations at Tamtam at 7:00. Do not order the duck because it will take forever and you will miss the curtain. If you have any problems at all, you have my pager number. Just call me. Goodbye. [to Lorelai and Sookie] Well, look who the cat dragged in. LORELAI: Hi, Michel. We've missed you. MICHEL: Yes? Well, I have missed you, too. LORELAI: This place is wonderful. SOOKIE: You look so important, walking around, talking to yourself. But you're not really talking to yourself. You're actually talking to someone else in a headset with your headset. LORELAI: How are you? MICHEL: Me? I am wonderful, and yourselves? LORELAI: We're great, and we're breaking ground on the inn on Monday. MICHEL: Oh, yes. Is that still happening? LORELAI: It is still happening. MICHEL: Well, that's lovely. There's a small charge for the use of the internet. All instructions are in the minibar. I'm so pleased. LORELAI: Listen, Michel, I know you're a little upset with me. MICHEL: Upset? I don't think so. SOOKIE: It's okay, I told her about the call. MICHEL: What call? SOOKIE: The call you made to me yesterday, the one where you told me that you called Lorelai and she didn't call back. MICHEL: I make so many calls. SOOKIE: The one where you cried. MICHEL: Are you sure it wasn't another Michel? SOOKIE: You called me! You kept me on the phone for over an hour. I missed the beginning of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and by the time I got back, they were all gay. LORELAI: Okay, it doesn't matter. We just want you to know if there was any misunderstanding about wanting you to come with us to the Dragonfly, well, we're sorry. SOOKIE: I'm not. MICHEL: Well, that's very sweet of you to say. Thank you. LORELAI: Unless you don't want to come with us. I mean, this place is very impressive, and I would understand if you didn't want to leave. MICHEL: Yes, this place is impressive, isn't it? I mean, the uniform alone - like working in your jammies. And these headsets, are they not fabulous? Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom, a place one would normally choose to be alone, then suddenly, bang, someone is yakking in your ear. How delightful. You can never get lonely. LORELAI: I suppose not. MICHEL: And the people who work here. . .a joy. So young, so talented. Some of them are actors in ambitious off-Broadway revues. They play cockroaches and derelicts and do Shakespeare dressed like punk rockers. It gives me chills just thinking about it. Yes, extra towels are complimentary, Matthew, and stop asking me who the hottie I'm talking to is. I'll tell you what, I'll think about it and get back to you, okay? LORELAI: Nice to have you aboard, Michel. MICHEL: I'm busy, go. Thank God. Matthew, what? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table] LORELAI: So, he invited us to his wedding. RORY: And we're having beef. LORELAI: Well, what was his body language like? RORY: Tall. LORELAI: No, I mean, did he squirm or back away when he invited you or was he all darty-eyed? RORY: Not much squirming, no backing away, but there was a little bit of darty-eye. LORELAI: So, he was nervous. RORY: Well, we were both nervous. I mean, we didn't expect to run into each other, and I think he probably just invited us 'cause he felt like he had to, to be nice. LORELAI: That does sound like Dean. RORY: So, what do we do? Do we go? LORELAI: Oh, I can't decide this. He's your ex-boyfriend. RORY: It seems weird that we go. LORELAI: Then we don't go. RORY: But if we don't go, it may look like we're trying to make some kind of statement. LORELAI: Then we go. RORY: If I had just stayed at Lane's for two more minutes. . . LORELAI: Yeah, fate. RORY: Yes, it is fate. Do we ignore fate? LORELAI: I don't know. Do you have any important papers due soon? RORY: Why? LORELAI: Just in case. RORY: Fate's gonna flunk me? LORELAI: It's always a possibility. RORY: Well, then that's it. We are going. LUKE: Going where? RORY: Dean's wedding. Fate's making us. LORELAI: I hope fate will cough up forty bucks for a salad spinner for him. LUKE: Please, there is no fate. LORELAI: What do you mean there is no fate? Of course there is fate. LUKE: There is no fate, there is no destiny, there is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing. You cannot read a palm. Tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis, and the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn. LORELAI: I totally knew you were gonna say that. LUKE: I came over here. My fault. LORELAI: I read your mind. It spoke to me. We're psychic. LUKE: Enjoy the fries. LORELAI: So where does this leave us? RORY: Well, I think that Dean's gonna expect us to go, and it is his day, and I don't want him to feel like I don't care about him. LORELAI: I know. ORY: I just want him to be happy. LORELAI: Okay, we'll get him a salad spinner first thing tomorrow morning. RORY: Thank you. [Miss Patty walks in] MISS PATTY: Oh, there you are. Honey, I've got your mail. LORELAI: Oh, great. MISS PATTY: Oh, I'm exhausted. I've been looking all over town for you. LORELAI: Oh, Patty, you could have just left me a message. I would have stopped by and picked it up. MISS PATTY: Oh, there was something marked urgent in there, and I just wanted to make sure you got it. LORELAI: Hm, thank you. MISS PATTY: All right, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm gonna kill that mail carrier. I don't care if he doesn't have a tongue. [leaves] RORY: Our new mail carrier doesn't have a tongue? LORELAI: You've got to be kidding me. RORY: That's what Patty just said. LORELAI: No, Taylor has sent me a cease and desist order on the inn. RORY: What? LORELAI: [reads letter] "Dear Lorelai Gilmore, it has come to the attention of the Stars Hollow Historical Preservation Society that you and Miss Sookie St. James intend to commence construction on the Dragonfly Inn. Any proposed renovations must be submitted, discussed, and approved by the Stars Hollow Historical Preservation Society. We must therefore ask that all work halt until such time that this procedure has been followed. Thank you, and have a historical day." Is he kidding? RORY: What are you gonna do? LORELAI: I'm going to talk to him. RORY: Cool. LORELAI: Don't say cool like that. It's gonna be very pleasant. RORY: I thought you said you were gonna go talk to Taylor. LORELAI: I own my own business now, Rory. I'm gonna have to deal with tiny men like Taylor all the time. You can't go around yelling at people, no matter how historical they might be. RORY: Bummer. LORELAI: You have to learn to separate the personal from the business. RORY: Okay. [they walk outside and head toward the soda shop] LORELAI: Remember in The Godfather, Michael telling Sonny how he was gonna kill Tattaglia and Captain McCluskey in that Italian restaurant? He lays out the whole thing very calmly, very unemotionally, 'cause that's what you do in business. RORY: Yeah, but then he went and shot two guys in the head. LORELAI: Okay, but I wasn't describing that scene. CUT TO THE SODA SHOP TAYLOR: [to customer] But if you know you already like lime, then you're not sampling, you're savoring, and that's just gluttonous. [Lorelai and Rory walk in] LORELAI: Hi, Taylor. TAYLOR: Well, hello there. Lorelai, Rory, what can I get for you? LORELAI: Oh, well, gosh, look at all the choices, really hard to pick. I think I'll try a scoop of butter brickle crunch. Rory? RORY: I'll try the chocolate chocolate chocolate. TAYLOR: Coming right up. LORELAI: Listen, Taylor, while I have you here, um, I received this letter in the mail, and I'm having kind of a blond day, and I wonder if you could explain this to me. TAYLOR: Well, it says you have to get approval before you can start construction on the inn. LORELAI: That's what I thought it said. Well, I have to tell you, Taylor, I'm a little concerned because we have a construction crew coming Monday, so. . .yikes. TAYLOR: Well, the Dragonfly is a historical building, Lorelai. LORELAI: Yeah, but the whole town is a historical building, Taylor. I mean, George Washington ate, slept, or blew his nose all over the damn place. TAYLOR: He only blew his nose in the park. You've read the sign. LORELAI: Taylor, that inn needs love. It's falling down. Sookie and I have no intention of ruining its historical aspect. We'd just like some running water. TAYLOR: Running water was not always historical. LORELAI: You're not seriously telling me I can't put in running water? RORY: Oh, my God, this is incredible. It's called chocolate chocolate chocolate, but it's seriously chocolate chocolate chocolaty. Sorry. TAYLOR: I'm just telling you, there are rules and they have to be followed. LORELAI: Fine. What do I have to do to get the Historical Preservation Society's stamp of approval? TAYLOR: Well, a formal presentation is necessary. LORELAI: Uh-huh. When? TAYLOR: Uh, any town function or gathering is open to a presentation, Lorelai. LORELAI: Okay, so, like, the town meeting tonight? TAYLOR: If you like. LORELAI: The town meeting it is. TAYLOR: Oh, now, don't look sad. I went through this with my place, too. Of course, I knew the rules so I didn't get the embarrassing letter. LORELAI: Right, okay, great. Well, we'll see you later, Taylor. TAYLOR: Oh, uh. . . LORELAI: Yes? TAYLOR: That'll be $3.50 for the ice cream. RORY: And worth every penny, let me tell you. Sorry, but this is really good. CUT TO TOWN MEETING TAYLOR: So, any additional landscaping to the town square will be paid for directly from the town park funds, and town park funds only. All righty. RORY: Long one tonight. LORELAI: Astonishingly long. SOOKIE: We've got to be next, right? LORELAI: We've got to be. Michel, are you okay over there? SOOKIE: He says the guy next to him has unforgivable B.O. LORELAI: Michel, you're French. How can you even tell? TAYLOR: Could we have a little quiet please? LORELAI: Sorry, Taylor, we're just waiting here very patiently, as you can see, all ready and everything. TAYLOR: Yes, well, um, the next item, people, is a wonderful feather in Stars Hollow's cap. One of our very own, fourth grader Donny Pass, was named a runner-up in the Connecticut State story-writing contest for his work entitled The Happiest Doughnut. SOOKIE: I think I'm gonna give birth just out of boredom. TAYLOR: Donny's mom is here tonight. Let's give her a big hand. LORELAI: I almost think he's doing this on purpose. SOOKIE: Almost? Huh. LORELAI: Bordering on pretty damn sure. TAYLOR: I won't spoil the plot of The Happiest Doughnut for you, folks, except to say it's funny and a little sad and truly inspiring. But a caveat for all you parents - the dunking scene may be too intense for preschool-aged children. GYPSY: How can a stupid doughnut be happy? RORY: But see, he's got you curious. That's the genius of Donny Pass. GYPSY: Hey, I've got a bunch of your mail. Here. RORY: Oh, I've got some of yours, too, and some of Al's. Will you pass this back to him for me? GYPSY: Yeah. Oh, if you hand this up to Andrew. RORY: Can do. [The townspeople start exchanging their mail] LORELAI: I can't smell anything. MICHEL: I'm breathing it all in so it's not reaching you. LORELAI: Thanks for taking that grenade for me, pal. TAYLOR: People, could we have some order here? ANDREW: Oh, Gypsy, the letter from my girlfriend's open. GYPSY: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Andrew. It must have fallen open accidentally. ANDREW: You read my private letter. GYPSY: There's nothing private in that letter. Except for the medical stuff. MISS PATTY: Taylor, I got your PennySaver and your girly magazines. TAYLOR: Those are lifestyle magazines. People, this meeting has degenerated into our usual weekly anarchy. I say we adjourn. We'll see you next week. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Uh, Taylor! TAYLOR: Everyone pick up a free copy of The Happiest Doughnut on your way out. You won't be sorry. LORELAI: Taylor, wait, we were supposed to make our presentation about the Dragonfly. TAYLOR: Oh, yes. Well, uh, you're bringing this up kind of late. LORELAI: Well, we've been sitting here. SOOKIE: It won't take long. LORELAI: It was your idea, remember? You suggested this. TAYLOR: Well, okay. People, your children and elderly are going to have to wait a while longer for you to get home because Lorelai Gilmore and her associates want to discuss some proposed changes to a beloved town structure. LORELAI: Thank you. Let's go, Sook, Augustus Gloop. RORY: Knock 'em dead. LORELAI: Guys, I know we've been here forever, but I very quickly want to tell you what we have in mind for this beautiful Dragonfly property. TAYLOR: The historic Dragonfly property. LORELAI: I think that goes without saying. TAYLOR: I don't think you should try to hide the fact that it's historic. LORELAI: Okay, I'm not hiding anything. TAYLOR: Proceed, please. LORELAI: Okay, well, we're very excited - TAYLOR: How many guest rooms will this establishment have? LORELAI: Um, ten. TAYLOR: Ugh, tsk, tsk, tsk. LORELAI: Yeah, ten. Anyway, the property's been unoccupied for - TAYLOR: And parking? How many parking spaces? LORELAI: Um, eighteen. TAYLOR: Oh, hm. LORELAI: Something wrong with the parking, Taylor? TAYLOR: Two people to a room, each with their own car, that's twenty cars - you don't have enough parking. LORELAI: But some of the people will be driving there together in one car. TAYLOR: So, you have a crystal ball, do you? LORELAI: That's just common sense. TAYLOR: Because if you have a crystal ball, I sure would like to borrow it to take to the racetrack. LORELAI: Um, no, I don't have a crystal ball, but if the parking's not enough, we can always add more. SOOKIE: Easy. TAYLOR: So, pave paradise and put up a parking lot. SOOKIE: Not what we're saying. TAYLOR: I heard you were planning to serve alcohol - is this true? LORELAI: Well, there will be a restaurant. SOOKIE: Wine, cocktails. Give the people what they want. TAYLOR: So it'll be a party spot, huh? LORELAI: Uh, no. TAYLOR: Catering to that crowd - hip-hoppers, the Manson family. LORELAI: It's a little country inn. TAYLOR: A perfect secluded spot for murderers to revel in impropriety. MICHEL: Have you noticed, this is not going very well. LORELAI: Taylor, everyone, there will be millions of questions, some of them even legitimate, but the bottom line is, you know me. I've been apart of this town for. . .well, look how big my daughter is - for that long. And opening this inn has been a dream of mine and of Sookie's for most of that time. Along with Michel, we plan to make this community as proud of the historic Dragonfly Inn as you were when the same team was running the Independence Inn. TAYLOR: You mean the place that burned down on your watch? MICHEL: Can I slap him? LORELAI: Uh, now, this will also help our local economy because we plan to employ. . .[her cell phone rings] Sorry, we plan to employ - huh. Uh, this, uh, call is coming from the house. RORY: Our house? LORELAI: It's flashing our number. RORY: But we're here. LORELAI: I know. That's the weird part. Sookie, uh, keep it going in here. I'll be just a quick, um, second. SOOKIE: Okay, if you have any questions. . . MICHEL: Yes, about the Dragonfly or deodorant - the places to buy it, how to apply it, that sort of thing. [Lorelai goes outside to answer her phone] LORELAI: Hello? KIRK: I responded to the activation of an alarm at your residence, and I apprehended a prowler in the garage. LORELAI: You did? KIRK: Yes, ma'am - female, approximately eighteen years old, Korean. LORELAI: Kirk, that's Lane. You know Lane. KIRK: I thought I knew Lane, but now I think she's in some kind of gang. LANE: Lorelai, help. KIRK: Their front is some sort of musical group. LORELAI: They are a musical group, Kirk. [to Rory] Honey, go sort it out. RORY: Got it. LORELAI: Rory's on her way over - brown hair, blue eyes, about 5'6" - don't cuff her. KIRK: 10-4. LORELAI: Okay. [Lorelai hangs up as Sookie and Michel walk out of the dance studio] LORELAI: What - SOOKIE: We failed you. MICHEL: He is a very unpleasant man. LORELAI: What happened? SOOKIE: The second, I mean, the second you walked out the door, Taylor adjourned the meeting over our objections. LORELAI: Well, where is he? Where'd he go? SOOKIE: He was the first one out the door. LORELAI: Unbelievable. Hm, you can run but you can't hide. MICHEL: Oh, this is cute. . . The Happy Doughnut. [Lorelai goes to catch up to Taylor] LORELAI: Hey, uh, we have a little misunderstanding back there, Taylor? TAYLOR: Lorelai, please don't sneak up on me like that. I almost blew my emergency whistle. LORELAI: We weren't done. TAYLOR: Oh, I thought we were. LORELAI: No, we weren't. TAYLOR: Well, what more was there to say? LORELAI: Nothing was decided. You said to come to the town meeting and explain what you're doing, then we can start our work. TAYOR: Oh, well, you can't do that until after the walk-through. LORELAI: Oh, Taylor, I'm in heels. Do you mind? What walk-through? TAYLOR: I and other members of the Historical Preservation Society need to examine the property in person. You didn't think we were gonna make a decision based on a little chat, did you? I'm sure I mentioned a walk-through. LORELAI: I don't think you did. TAYLOR: Well, I'm mentioning it now. LORELAI: Okay, so, when's the walk-through? TAYLOR: Well, I'd have to check with the other society members, set something up in the next month or so. LORELAI: But I have workmen coming Monday, Taylor, the day after tomorrow. TAYLOR: Oh, dear. That's cutting it pretty close. LORELAI: Let's do it tomorrow, please - tomorrow. TAYLOR: Tomorrow's Sunday. LORELAI: Yes, it is. TAYLOR: Well, it would have to be before church. LORELAI: Okay, so midmorning? TAYLOR: Six? LORELAI: Six? Six in the morning? TAYLOR: Or another day - I could take it up with the society. LORELAI: No, no, six is fine. Six sharp. TAYLOR: See you then. LORELAI: Bright and early. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER CUSTOMER: Goodnight. LUKE: Goodnight. Thanks. [A group of boys are walking toward the diner] BOYS: [singing] We do or die for Stars Hollow High! We do or die for Stars Hollow High! It's the one we fight and fall for, it's the one we give our all for. LUKE: Oh, goody. [the boys enter the diner] BOYS: Stars Hollow High! Whoo! BOY 1: That is our Stars Hollow High fight song. LUKE: Could've sworn it was Mozart. What is this, guys? KYLE: Pit stop! BOYS: Whoo! KYLE: Bachelor party, phase one is over. BOY 2: Our boy Dean here is tying the knot. LUKE: Look, I was just closing up. DEAN: Luke! LUKE: Dean! DEAN: That's funny. LUKE: I wasn't even trying. KYLE: We just need to refuel for phase two, sir. It won't take long. DEAN: You wouldn't turn away a man on his wedding day, would you? LUKE: It's not your wedding day yet. BOY 1: That's what I keep telling him, dude. It's your last day of freedom. BOY 2: Hey, we should get strippers, right? DEAN: And cake. BOY 3: Hey, my name's Luke, too. We should start a club or something. LUKE: Yeah, that would be swell. Look, guys, why don't you go sit down over there? I'll make some coffee. DEAN: Tomorrow is the big day, man - big day. LUKE: You're tipping there, Dean. Watch him. KYLE: I got him, sir. We really appreciate this, sir. LUKE: Stop calling me that. DEAN: He's a good guy, really. LUKE: So, what was phase one? KYLE: A case of beer in the JC Penney parking lot, then batting cages and laser tag. DEAN: I've decided that I really like beer. KYLE: I'm the designated driver. LUKE: Good man. KYLE: I'm in the Navy now, you know. LUKE: Uniform tipped me off. KYLE: My older cousins did two-year stints. It paid for their college and stuff, so I joined up. Of course, we weren't fighting international skirmishes on two or three dangerous fronts like we are now. LUKE: Hey, what are you doing? BOY 2: Sugar football. LUKE: Don't. KYLE: Come on, guys, respect the establishment. They're still kids. LUKE: I got a better idea, guys. How about I whip up some pancakes real fast, help soak up whatever it is you drank? KYLE: Sounds good. We'll be needing energy for phase two. BOY 2: Strippers, right? We gotta get strippers. BOY 3: Hey, how much do you give a stripper? BOY 1: Well, that depends on what she does. KYLE: Are they really prostitutes? 'Cause I'd feel bad if they were prostitutes. LUKE: Look, guys, I gotta go in the back for a couple seconds. Don't drink anymore. Don't play jets. Don't jump on the furniture. Just sit still, okay? BOY 2: And do what? LUKE: I don't know. Make up a dirty version of the fight song or something. BOY 1: Yeah! BOY 2: Great idea! DEAN: [mumbles] Rory. BOY 3: What did he say? BOY 1: Oh, he is so toasted. DEAN: [mumbles] Rory. KYLE: Did he say what I think he said? LUKE: Hey guys, you know what I think? I think it's real late and that maybe you ought to cancel phase two. BOY 1: No way. KYLE: Hear him out, fellas. LUKE: I mean, think about it, guys - how you gonna beat laser tag? BOY 1: I don't know. BOY 2: Aw, is Dean sick? LUKE: He just needs his rest. Kyle, why don't you march your friends out of here? I'll take care of the groom, and he'll see you all tomorrow. KYLE: He's right, guys. Let's saddle up. BOY 2: Aren't we getting pancakes? BOY 1: I'm not feeling good. LUKE: Come on, big guy. DEAN: What? LUKE: Try to walk. [The boys leave, singing the fight song. Luke takes Dean upstairs to his apartment] LUKE: Here we are. DEAN: She's smart, man. You know, she's so smart. LUKE: I know, I know. DEAN: She could probably fix the world, you know? LUKE: Right, right. She could team up with Kyle - her brains, his brawn. DEAN: No, not Kyle - Rory. LUKE: Almost there. DEAN: She's the one, you know? [Luke walks Dean over to the bed] LUKE: Come on, Dean, just slide down there, stop talking. DEAN: And the hair - pretty hair. She has the prettiest hair. And that head. What is that? LUKE: Just your shoes. Shh. DEAN: I miss her. Why didn't she love me? CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN [Lorelai and Sookie are standing out front while the Historical Preservation Society members look over the property] SOOKIE: Scrubbing shower grout with a toothbrush. LORELAI: Sure, sure. Flossing with that really, really fine floss that cuts between your teeth like a razor. SOOKIE: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Staring into the sun. LORELAI: 'Til you're blind. SOOKIE: Absolutely. [Michel walks over] MICHEL: I feel very ugly this morning. LORELAI: Join the crowd. MICHEL: That unpleasant man and his cohorts in there? LORELAI: And have been for about thirty frickin' minutes. SOOKIE: Watching a foreign movie without subtitles. LORELAI: Getting brain freeze from eating ice cream. MICHEL: What are you doing? LORELAI: We're listing all the things we'd rather be doing than this. SOOKIE: What a mug. LORELAI: It's like he sucked a lemon. MICHEL: I've really grown to hate him. LORELAI: Nice, huh? MISS PATTY: Oh, so much potential. LORELAI: Yeah. TAYLOR: It needs a lot of TLC. LORELAI: And we've got an abundance of it, Taylor. [quietly to Patty] Patty, please, please, help, help. He's killing me here, and you've got pull with him. MISS PATTY: Oh, honey, I got my own remodeling to do on my studio that Taylor has to approve. I'm saving my pull for me. LORELAI: Can't I have just a little teeny, tiny bit of your pull, please? MISS PATTY: Oh, he's gonna see us talking. TAYLOR: Lorelai, consultation, please. LORELAI: Okay. TAYLOR: This porch is falling apart. LORELAI: I know. TAYLOR: It's got live termites. LORELAI: Big, fat ones. TAYLOR: It's a safety hazard. LORELAI: It's the first thing to go. TAYLOR: To go? This porch can't go. LORELAI: I'm sorry, Taylor. You just said it's falling apart. TAYLOR: I didn't tell you to tear it down. It's historical. It has to stay. LORELAI: No, no, the porch is not historical, Taylor. It was added in 1980. TAYLOR: So? LORELAI: So it's a 23-year-old porch. Unless you think Kate Hudson is historical, it's not historical. TAYLOR: Not now, but how do you think we get historical 200-year-old structures if we tear 'em down when they're just 23? LORELAI: Uh, it's rotting away. TAYLOR: Which just means that your guests can't walk on it. LORELAI: So they should hover over it? TAYLOR: No, you could build a bridge over it, using appropriate materials, of course. LORELAI: A bridge? TAYLOR: Or you could build a transparent Lucite porch over this porch, so people could walk on the Lucite porch and see the old porch underneath the new porch. LORELAI: Build a clear plastic porch over the rotting wood porch? TAYLOR: With the proper permits, of course, and those are hard to come by. LORELAI: That's it! TAYLOR: Lorelai, watch it. I've got church later. LORELAI: What did I do to make you torture me like this, Taylor? TAYLOR: I don't know what you're talking about. LORELAI: The hoops! The hoops with the jumping and the fire and the hoops! TAYLOR: It's just business, Lorelai. LORELAI: I pay to shop in your store. I eat your banana splits. I've never physically hurt you. . .except for that one spit wad in the one town meeting, but I didn't mean for it to hit your eye and I apologized profusely, so please, please, put me out of my misery and tell me what I need to do to make this thing happen! TAYLOR: I want an ice-cream truck. LORELAI: What? TAYLOR: I want to sell ice cream off a truck in the summer. I want to park it in front of the soda shop. I want to ring the bell on it every day at noon, but the only place I can park it is the space that's partly in front of Luke's diner. LORELAI: So? TAYLOR: You have pull with Luke. LORELAI: I guess, maybe. TAYLOR: You're friends. LORELAI: Yes. TAYLOR: You can get him to agree to this. LORELAI: Use my pull. TAYLOR: If you don't mind. LORELAI: So if I get Luke to agree to this, the madness stops? TAYLOR: If that's what you want to call it. LORELAI: The work begins and the porch goes? TAYLOR: All expedited, nice and neat. LORELAI: An ice-cream truck? TAYLOR: An ice-cream truck. LORELAI: You can go. TAYLOR: Well, this has been a very successful outing. Back on the bus, everyone. MICHEL: Unbelievable. SOOKIE: Yup. Hey, when do you think you'll. . .[Lorelai walks away] Shortcut to Luke's. MICHEL: How is she going to get over Potter's Creek? SOOKIE: Jump it? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai rushes in, out of breath] LORELAI: Give him his ice-cream truck. LUKE: What? LORELAI: I forged a stream and I almost got attacked by a beaver, and I'm not leaving here till you agree. LUKE: To what? LORELAI: You don't own the street, you own the building. It's a public street. Just let him park his stupid truck. LUKE: I'm missing something here. LORELAI: Don't change the subject. LUKE: I don't even know what the subject is. LORELAI: If you let Taylor park his stupid ringy-dingy ice-cream truck - not even in front of the diner, but in front of part of the diner - then I can start work on the inn. But if you don't say yes, then you may not have to see his truck parked outside, but you will have to see my body swinging from that tree over there because I will hang myself. I am waiting for your answer. LUKE: Sure. LORELAI: Sure what? LUKE: He can park it there. What do I care? LORELAI: Oh, don't kid around here. LUKE: Your life's at stake. I wouldn't kid around. LORELAI: That easy? LUKE: That easy. LORELAI: Well, why'd you say no before? LUKE: When? LORELAI: When Taylor asked you before? LUKE: He never asked me before. LORELAI: He never asked? LUKE: Not about a truck - about a giant ice cream cone a few months back. I said no to that. Probably why he thought I'd say no to the truck. LORELAI: He never asked? LUKE: Nope. LORELAI: But you're fine with this, and he could have asked? LUKE: It's a public street. LORELAI: And you would have said yes? LUKE: I'd have said yes. LORELAI: And I wouldn't have had to go through all this. LUKE: Probably not. LORELAI: You know what, I've learned something very valuable here today. Come on in. Sit down there. Take a load off. Very valuable. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: I've had a business epiphany. It's like I'm Bud Fox, saying, "Thanks for the lesson, Mr. Gekko." LUKE: This will pass, folks. LORELAI: The Lorelai you knew is dead. Remember her? The eager to please, fresh of face? She thought that success in business meant working hard, applying yourself, and respecting your coworkers, and she preached that to others - oh, little child. LUKE: You should probably get some rest. LORELAI: It's about scratching backs, my friend, and kissing things - I won't be graphic. LUKE: It is Sunday morning. LORELAI: It's dirty, that's what business is. It's smoke-filled back rooms with exposed pipes and shady players chewing on fat cigars and twirling their dirty mustaches. And when you go into those rooms, you can't be a milquetoast muppet. You have to have pointy teeth and jaws that snap. The meek shall not inherit the earth! LUKE: Thanks for the perspective. LORELAI: Do you have any coffee? LUKE: I'm not giving you coffee. LORELAI: I don't have time for coffee. I gotta go find Taylor and close this deal. You think he's back at the store? LUKE: Or having his dirty mustache cleaned. LORELAI: You're good with the truck? LUKE: I'm good with the truck. LORELAI: Bless you. [leaves] LUKE: I'll be right with you, folks. [Luke walks upstairs to the apartment. Dean is sitting on the bed] LUKE: So, you're up. DEAN: Yeah, I'm up. It took me a minute or two to figure out where I am, but. . . LUKE: Oh, that's right. You've never been here before. DEAN: Yeah, it's not that I remembered. I just kinda looked out the window and that's how I could tell. LUKE: Good, smart. [hands him a drink] Little concoction of mine - it'll help with the hangover. DEAN: Guess I had a beer or two too many last night, huh? LUKE: Yeah, it happens. DEAN: Hope the guys didn't bug you too much. LUKE: No, they were fine. DEAN: Good. LUKE: So, you're all dressed there? DEAN: Yeah, uh, you know, big day - getting married. LUKE: Getting married. DEAN: Um, I'm due in the church in about an hour. LUKE: Hey, uh, Dean. . . DEAN: And I still gotta pick up my tux. LUKE: Yeah, right. DEAN: Um, thanks for everything, Luke. LUKE: Yeah, sure. Good luck. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Lane are walking down the street] RORY: So, a total strikeout, huh? LANE: Total. And, you know, at first, I felt bad for them - so lacking in talent, yet so clueless. Then I just felt bad for their guitars. RORY: Where are all the good young musicians these days? LANE: My ears wanted to fly off my head. I'm going to the music store to look at things I can't afford. Want to come? RORY: I have to go get ready for this. LANE: Right. Tell me how it goes. RORY: I will. [Lane walks away. Luke walks out of the market] RORY: Hey, Luke. LUKE: Hey, Rory. Um, where's your mom? RORY: Uh, around somewhere. Why? LUKE: I thought I'd find her at Doose's. Did she go back to the inn, or. . . RORY: She was going back to the inn, then she was picking up a wedding present for Dean from us, because she hates it when people send gifts later. And then depending on time, I was either gonna meet her back at home or at the church. LUKE: She have her cell on her? RORY: I think it's dead. What's going on? LUKE: Or a pager or something? RORY: Is something wrong? LUKE: Oh, no, I just need to check something with her. RORY: Well, we can stop by after the wedding. LUKE: Don't go to the wedding. RORY: What? LUKE: Uh, don't go to Dean's wedding. RORY: Why? LUKE: I just. . .don't go. Trust me. RORY: Okay. LUKE: It'd just be better this way. RORY: Okay. LUKE: So, you're not going? RORY: I guess not. LUKE: Okay, good. Good. I'll see you guys later. RORY: Yeah, Luke, I'll see you later. LUKE: Okay. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Lorelai walks out of a store. Kirk walks up to her] KIRK: Lorelai, do you have a minute? LORELAI: Oh, sure, Kirk. KIRK: We've had a successful disconnection. LORELAI: No more alarm? KIRK: No more alarm. LORELAI: Fantastic. KIRK: The roofer will be out tomorrow. The repair should take about a day. LORELAI: I'm not gonna inquire about that right now. KIRK: It's all taken care of, and I want to apologize for any inconvenience. LORELAI: Aw, it was no big deal. KIRK: I have this strong sense of chivalry when it comes to women living alone. LORELAI: That's very nice. KIRK: My family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight. LORELAI: Wow. KIRK: As a kid, I thought that meant we were related to Ted Knight. I wrote him a lot of letters. He never responded. LORELAI: That's cute, though. KIRK: I just want you to feel safe. LORELAI: You really do, don't you, Kirk? KIRK: So, I hope you don't mind my watching out for you. LORELAI: Not at all. [she kisses his cheek] KIRK: Thank you. I'll see you around. LORELAI: See ya. [Kirk walks away as Rory walks over] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Ooh, hey. I think I found the perfect wedding present for Dean. It's sweet, not too personal, classy, yet cheap. RORY: We're not going. LORELAI: What? RORY: Luke was looking for you and ran into me, and he was all nervous and everything, and then he finally just said we shouldn't go. LORELAI: What does that mean? RORY: I think it means that we shouldn't go. LORELAI: Did he give a reason? RORY: Not really. LORELAI: I'll go talk to him. RORY: No, Mom, he seemed really serious, and I think that if you saw him you'd feel the same way. He was kind of upset. LORELAI: About Dean's wedding? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: So, we're not going? RORY: I think it's better that we don't. LORELAI: Okay. Mystery, though. RORY: Kind of. LORELAI: Well, you've got your nothing-to-do weekend back. RORY: Yeah, got that back. Um, Mom, Kirk's following us in a little clowny car. LORELAI: He's watching out for us. RORY: Okay. CUT TO THE DRAGONFLY INN [Lorelai and Sookie are standing on the porch with sledgehammers as Michel gets ready to take a picture] MICHEL: Ready? LORELAI: No, no, it's gotta look like we're actually demolishing the porch. SOOKIE: We're gonna do pretend swings. LORELAI: Which would have been easier if we had pretend sledgehammers. SOOKIE: Why do they make these so heavy? MICHEL: Well, even without the swing, this is a good picture of the two of you about to record an important moment for the two of you. LORELAI: Um, Michel - MICHEL: I would love a copy of this for my mantel, such a nice moment. LORELAI: You have to be in the picture, too, Michel. MICHEL: Me? I don't know. All right. SOOKIE: That thing have a timer on it? MICHEL: It's set. I framed the shot. Grab your hammer and smile. [they pose for the picture] LORELAI: One more for safety? MICHEL: Okay. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Just sometimes, it hits me. This place had a long history before us, has a long future after us. I keep thinking it's apart of our lives, but, really, it's the reverse. For a little while. . .I don't know. . .it's like we're apart of its life. SOOKIE: Yeah. [The three of them pose for another picture] CUT TO THE TOWN SQUARE [Rory watches from afar as Dean and Lindsay walk out of the church after their wedding ceremony]

Back home for the weekend, Rory has an uncomfortable encounter with Dean, her ex, and ends up getting invited to his wedding the next day. Meanwhile, Lorelai and Sookie visit Michel at his trendy new workplace, but run into problems getting the permit they need to begin construction on the inn.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_04x16

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_04x16_0

Scene of Adam the demon Frankenstein cyborg exiting tunnels. Engleman: "The project, it escaped." Narrator/Giles: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Scene of Buffy talking. Buffy: "The Initiative created this thing and they can't stop it. But we will." Scene of Faith opening eyes in hospital bed. Buffy: "It's Faith, she's awake." Buffy and Faith on the campus. Joyce: You all right. Faith: Five by five. Mayor: Open the box. Scene of Faith opening box. Mayor: Surprise. Scene of Buffy and Faith's hands are clasped and glowing. Joyce: You sure you're ok. Buffy: Five by five. Scene of Buffy looking at unconscious Faith. Note: For simplicity, Buffy's body is called Buffy, even when occupied by Faith. Faith's body is called Faith, even when occupied by Buffy. PROLOGUE The front of Joyce Summers home. An ambulance is on the lawn A police car with lights flashing is parked on the street. A plainclothes police officer with his badge visible on his breast. Plainclothes officer: "It's good you called. We've been looking for this girl since she broke out of the hospital." Joyce: What's gonna happen to her? Plainclothes officer: Well, get her checked out. She's in stable condition, she goes to jail, pending trial. Joyce: I just hope she gets some kind of help. [Rattling.] Plainclothes officer: The first thing is to keep her from hurting anybody else. Faith is wheeled on a gurney to ambulance. She looks up at Buffy and Joyce but her vision is blurry. Faith: No. Personnel lifting her into ambulance: __ One two __ Plainclothes officer: Well, you guys will be safe now. We may have a couple of questions in the morning. The emergency personnel close the rear doors on the ambulance. Joyce: Oh, uh, of course. Plainclothes officer: Thank you. Both. I'm glad we finally got the kid. Buffy: She's not a kid! I just mean that she's very strong. Plainclothes officer: Yeah. This Faith chick-- definitely dangerous. Ambulance leaves. The officer walks away. Joyce goes toward the front door. Buffy: She truly is. Roll credits ACT 1 Joyce's living room, Buffy is holding her hands and cracks her knuckles. Joyce closes the door. Joyce: Faith. Buffy spins around. Joyce: Why do you think she's like that? Buffy [shrugs]: You know. She's a nut job. Heh. Joyce: I just don't understand what could drive a person to that kind of behavior. Buffy: Well, how do you know she got drove? I mean, maybe she likes being that way. Joyce: I'll never believe that. I think she's horribly unhappy. Buffy: Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey, show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big old Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection. Joyce: Buffy! Buffy: I'm sorry, mom. [Sighs] It's just ufff when I think about how she might have hurt you, I just, uff I can't stand it. Joyce hugs Buffy. Buffy is uncomfortable and shrugs lose. Joyce: Sorry. Buffy: No, I'm just, uff, sore from the fight. Joyce: I've missed you. Buffy: Cause I haven't visited, right? I knew it. Joyce: I know how it is. You have so much in your life now. Buffy: I'm a busy little beaver. College and all. Joyce: Of course. But um, maybe we could spend some time together soon? Some... night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic. Buffy: Count on it. [Pause] I'm gonna take a bath. Cut to Buffy in a bubble bath. She sighs. She looks at her arms and fingers. She stretches her leg and caresses it. She blows some bubbles cupped in her hands. Cut to Buffy looking in mirror. She turns her head to the side, then wrinkles her nose to look at it. She pulls her eyebrows back to look at her eyes. She sticks out her tongue to look at it. She pulls her upper lip back to look at her teeth. Buffy: Why, yes, I would be Buffy. May I help you? Buffy [sounding]: Buffy. [She sticks out her tongue again. She adjusts her hair.] [She shakes her finger.] Buffy: You can't do that. it's wrong. [She shakes her head slightly.] Buffy: You can't do that because it's naughty. Buffy: [louder] Because it's wrong. [She tilts head.] Buffy: [softly] Because it's wrong. [She points very aggressively.] Buffy: You can't do that. It's wrong. I'll kick your ass. I'm gonna kill you. [mental laughing] Cut to hospital room. [A hospital worker falls back into furniture.] Faith: Let me go! Let me go! [Faith is struggling in a hospital bed. There are three other hospital personnel, a uniformed officer and a plainclothes officer holding her down.] Doctor: Get me a sedative now! Officer: Hold her! Faith: I have to go home! She's with my mother. [Doctor puts needle to Faith's arm.] Faith: No! Doctor: Just lie still. Faith: You don't understand. Officer: Keep holding her. Faith: She's taken my...my body. [Faith loses consciousness.] Cut to Tara's room. [Willow lying down on a bed. Tara is sitting crosslegged near her feet.] Willow: I wonder where she is. Tara: Who? Faith? Willow: Yeah. I wish she would make a move. she's making my stomach all acidy. Tara: But you think Buffy can handle her. [Willow sits up.] Willow: I think so. but that doesn't mean Faith won't hurt someone else. Tara: Well, you should be safe. nobody knows you're here. I mean, uf, they don't even know I exist, right? I know all about them, but... [Willow puts her hand on Tara's knee for a second.] Willow [softly]: Hey. Tara : I-I mean, t-that's totally cool. It-it's good. It-it's better. Willow: Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just... well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And there's this whole bunch of us, and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying, and-and I, I really want you to meet them. But I kind of like having something that's just, you know, mine. And I, I usually don't se so many words to say stuff that little, but do you get that at all? Tara: I do. Willow: [sighs] I should check in with Giles, get a situation update. [She gets up and walks behind Tara.] Tara: I am, you know. Willow: What? [Tara turns and looks up at Willow.] Tara: Yours. [Willow smiles.] Cut to Joyce's bedroom. Buffy is adjusting a black camisole/baby tee in the mirror. Buffy: Not too bad. [Buffy opens a drawer and finds a wallet.] Buffy: Score. [Buffy is sitting on the bed, holding a credit card. and is on the phone.] Buffy: 6-4-4-7. [Pause] Uh, expiration, 5-0-1. [Pause. Buffy puts the card back in ther purse.] Unh huh. [Pause] Yeah. [Pause. Buffy takes cash out of the purse.] 10 a.m.'s your earliest flight? I'll take it. [Joyce enters.] Joyce: What are you doing? Buffy: Oh, just getting my mail. [Buffy holds up the letters.] Joyce: Oh. Um, that was, um, Giles on the other line. He wanted you to meet your friends there. Said he had news. Buffy: Yeah. I got some time to kill. [Buffy gets up.] I'll go see the gang. All my friends. [Buffy picks up a lipstick.] You don't mind if I steal this, right? Joyce: Is that the Harlot? Buffy: Yeah. Joyce: That's the same one Faith picked. Buffy: Burn it. [Buffy tosses it to Joyce who catches it.] Cut to Faith in the back of a police car with a uniformed officer driving and a plainclothes office riding shotgun. [Faith moans almost inaudibly.] Policeman: She's coming to. Uniformed Policeman: Yeah. Policeman: Man, I want this kid's constitution. Faith: Faith. Policeman: Let's move it. I want to get her in before she's 100%. [The uniformed policeman nods.] [A red armored car/truck cuts off the police car which crashes into it. Two men in black clothing jump out of the back. One uses a gun to cover the two police officers, who seem to be stunned. Another uses an ax to smash the back window. The one with the gun breaks remnants on the sides with the gun. The ax one drags Faith out the window.] Weatherby: By order of the Watcher's Council, you are being taken into custody until such time-- [They both drag her to the back of the armored truck.] Collins: Skip the speech. [They pull her in the truck.] Collins: Let's go. [The doors close.] ACT 2 [Buffy enters Giles' home.] Giles: Buffy. good. Buffy: The scooby gang's all here. Willow, Xander, and... [looks at Anya] everybody. What's up? Giles: It's about Faith, not surprisingly. Buffy: Didn't Joyce tell you? I already kicked that ass. Xander: I feel a high five coming on. Willow: Where is she? Buffy: On her way to the big house. Cops took her off my hands about an hour ago. Poetic justice. Anya: How's that? Buffy: Well, she did all those crimes, and now she's being arrested. [Silence.] I guess that's just regular justice. [Willow smiles.] It's cool, anyway. Giles: Unless I'm mistaken, Faith is no longer in police custody. Buffy [stands]: What are you talking about? Giles: Watcher's Council. They uh sent a retrieval team to capture Faith. Buffy: Well, yeah, I mean, 'cause it worked so well when Wesley tried it. Giles: This is a special operations unit. They, uh, handle the council's trickier jobs - smuggling, interrogation, wetworks. Willow: What's wetworks? Xander: Scuba-type stuff. Anya: I thought it was murder. Xander: Well, yeah, but there could be underwater murder, with snorkels. Buffy: So they're taking her to England? Giles: It'll be a long, long time before she returns. Buffy: Heh heh heh. ahhh Hah hah. Hah hah. ohhh I'm sorry. It's just...I'm happy. Faith is evil. Willow: Yeah. I hope they throw the book at her. Giles: I'm not sure there is a, a book for this. Willow: They could throw other things. Buffy: I forgot how much you don't like Faith. Willow: After what she's done to you? Oh, I wish those council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her, if I was larger and had grenades. Buffy: I bet I know what Faith would say to that. Buffy springs forward with a knife and sticks it in Willow's stomach in the same place Faith was stabbed. She pulls the knife out and stabs Willow again. Buffy lifts her head from her revery. She did not spring forward. Anya: So what you're saying is that everything's fine? Giles: Oh, um, yes. Anya: Well, I'm glad you called us all here because that information could never be conveyed by telephone. Willow [to Buffy]: What's up? Giles: Well, I just thought it was, uh, best to convene, in case there were any loose ends Buffy [to Willow]: I'd never let her hurt you. Giles: or things that we might have forgotten. Willow [to Buffy]: I know. Giles: But if you're, uh, keen to go, then, please, by all means, go. Xander: We kind of have a romantic evening planned. Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have s*x near them. Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes. Anya: Hey. Xander: I believe that's my hey. Hey! Buffy: Lighten up. We're out of danger. Everything's good. Giles: We still have Adam to take care of. Buffy: Yeah. Adam. What's up with him? Giles: I wish we knew. Buffy: Well, don't worry about it. I'll patrol tonight, as long as it takes. You guys have your fun, I'll be out there doing my job. Cut to Buffy dancing in the Bronze to rock band. Buffy: Whoop. Spike: Oh, you. Buffy: And you. Spike: What, are you keeping tabs on me? You're gonna give me a hard time now? Buffy: Um, do I usually give you a hard time? Spike: Very funny. Well, you don't have to worry about me drinking. Unless you're here to protect innocent beers. [He holds up a bottle.] [Spike walks away a little and Buffy follows.] Buffy: You're a vampire. Spike: Was. And as soon as I get this chip out of my head, I'll be a vampire again. But until then, I'm just as helpless as a kitten up a tree. So why don't you sod off? Buffy: Ok. Spike [angry]: Oh, fine! Throw it in my face! Spike's not a threat anymore. I'll turn my back. He can't hurt me. Buffy: Spike? [Gets it.] Spike. William the Bloody with a chip in his head. I kind of love this town. Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers? Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun? Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it. Buffy: Cause I could do anything I want, and instead, I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. [Buffy moves closer and puts her hands on Spike's chest.] Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [She moves closer and looks up at him pursing her lips.] Because it's wrong. Humh humh. [She moves off.] Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are gonna have a confrontation. Buffy: Count on it. [Spike throws his bottle into the wall and walks off. He shoves someone and clutches his head.] Cut to the sewers. Four vampires are walking in vamp face. Vampire: It was too crowded. We gotta hold out for a few hours, pick up a straggler, some drunk. Can't be calling attention to [He sees Adam and stops.] ourselves. Adam: I've been thinking. About vampires. Vampire: This is my place. Adam: You're place. Yes. The sewers. You hide from them, Crawl about in their filth. Scavenging like rats. What do you fear? Vampire: Kill this guy already. [One vampire charges Adam and Adam grabs it by the throat and holds it.] Adam: You fear the cross. The sun. Fire. And, oh, yes... [Adams puts his other hand on the vampire's shoulder and he lifts the vampire's head from its shoulders. The body falls and he drops the head on it and they turn to dust.] Adam: I believe decapitation is a problem as well. Vampire: You can have the place. I mean, we don't have to stay here anymore. Adam: You fear death. Being immortal, you fear it more than those to whom it comes naturally. Vampires are a paradox. Vampire: Ok, we're a paradox. That's cool. Adam: Demon in a human body. You walk in both worlds and belong to neither. I can relate. Come. We have a lot to talk about. Cut to workshed interior? In the back of the armored truck, Faith wakes up and finds she is chained. Weatherby: Well, it's awake. Faith: Who are you? Weatherby: Council. We're taking you back to the mother country. Seems you've been a naughty girl. Faith: Listen to me. Y-You've made a mistake. I am not Faith. I'm Buffy Summers. Faith performed some kind of spell, she switched our bodies. [Standing outside the truck.] Collins: Congratulations. No one's ever actually tried that one on me before. Faith: You have to find Faith. C-call Giles. J-just get him here. Collins: Giles doesn't work for the council anymore. For that matter, neither does Buffy Summers. And what you are, miss, is a package. I deliver the package. I don't much care what's inside. [To Weatherby.] Come on. Weatherby: He may not care, but I do. The Watcher's Council used to mean something. You perverted it. You trash. We should have killed you while you were asleep. [He spits in Faith's face. He gets out of the truck and closes the doors.] Cut to the Bronze. Willow: I can't believe you've never been here. The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of-of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Bergen's came in second. Tara: Y-you used to come here a lot? Others: Chug chug chug Willow: I lived here. Me, Xander... Buffy & others: Chug, chug, chug. Willow: Buffy. Buffy & others: Chug, chug, chug. Buffy: oooh ooooh Others: Chug, chug, chug! Others: Woo hoo hoo. Willow: Wow. I-I didn't think she'd be here. Come on, [holds Tara's hand] I want you to meet her. Buffy: Back off. [Pushes someone away.] You're nothing but a disappointment. [Tara crosses her arms.] Willow: Hey, Buffy. Buffy: Willow and - uh Willow: Buffy, this is Tara. Tara: Hi. Buffy: So we've never met. [Tara shakes her head.] Cool. Just have a thing with names. Willow: Tara was in my wicca group. Buffy: Unh-huh. [Buffy walks away and they follow.] Willow: So, what's up? [Buffy plops herself on a couch.] Patrol a no go? [Buffy throws her legs up in the air and on a table.] Buffy: Got tired. You know, the whole Faith thing. I let off some steam. Willow: Good for you. You shouldn't work yourself too hard. Buffy: That's my philosophy. [Buffy throws her arms behind her head.] Willow: Anyone want a soda? Tara [looks at Willow]: Water. [Buffy shakes head. Willow walks off and Buffy notes Tara looking back at Willow. She sits up and leans forward.] Buffy: So you guys been hanging out a lot lately, hunh? Tara: Yeah. she's, um, she's really cool. [Buffy nods and blinks slowly.] Buffy [grins]: So Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought? I guess you never really know someone until you've been inside their sking. And Oz is out of the picture? Oh, never seen two people so much in love. She just couldn't get enough of old Oz. Tara: She, um, said he, uh, uh, w-w-w-w-w-went Buffy: He w-w-w-w-what? You gonna get that sentence out sometime tonight? [Tara lowers her head.] [Willow returns.] Willow: Buffy, guy in the corner. [Buffy looks at a guy leading a girl.] Buffy: Yeah. Good call. Tara: What? Willow: Vampire. Buffy: Wicked obvious. [She leans back and realizes Willow is waiting.] So I should slay him. [She gets up.] Willow: You want help? Buffy: Nah, I got it. [Buffy picks up a pool stick as she walks. She enters a back area where the vampire is feeding on the girl from behind, making slurping noises and holding the girl's arms. The girl is gasping. Buffy breaks the pool stick in two and drops one end. The girls arms flail. Buffy hits the vampire in the back using the stake as a club.] Buffy: Hey! [The vampire lets the girl fall and turns. Buffy blocks a right and a left. She kicks it in the leg and spins the vampire around and holds it. She stakes it and throws it to the side just before it dusts. Buffy exhales and looks down at the girl. She is squatting and she looks up at Buffy.] Buffy: You'll live. Girl: Uh he was so strong, uh Buffy: Yeah, well, he's gone now. [Buffy turns and the girl grabs her hand.] Girl: Thank you. **Thank you.** [Expressions flash across Buffy's face.] Buffy: Yeah. [Shrugs.] It's cool. [Shrugs.] [Buffy walks off and drops the stake.] Willow: Everything poofed? Buffy: All's well in the world. Willow: Tara's not feeling well. I'm gonna walk her home. [Willow looks back at Tara.] Buffy: Yeah. You give her whatever she needs. [Buffy smiles for a second.] Willow: Are you gonna be in later, or you going over to Riley's? [Buffy blinks several times and then smiles.] Cut to workshed/barn. Banging sounds in a workshed or barn. Smith walks toward the armored truck with a syringe. Smith: This'll bloody keep you quiet. [Smith opens the back of the truck and goes in. Faith grabs him and gets him in a chokehold with the chains.] Smith: Uh. Faith: How about this? I'll be quiet, and you can scream. Smith: Aaahh. [Weatherby and Collins look in from the back of the truck.] Faith: Now you unchain me - very slowly And! politely, or I kill this guy Collins: When we go on a job, we always put our affairs in order first, in case of accident. Smith: Collins... Collins: Sorry, Smithy. [They walk off.] Collins: She's starting to bother me. Weatherby: Getting her across the border is gonna be a lot more trouble than it's worth. Collins: If the council can even get us passage. I'll call them. It's time for a contingency plan. [Smith flies out the back of the truck and falls, groaning.] Cut to Riley's room. [Riley is sitting at his desk and hears a sound and turns, smiling. Buffy is standing in the doorway.] Buffy: Hi, baby. ACT 3 Cut to Tara's room. Willow: I'm sorry you're feeling all blechy. But we'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her. [Tara sighs.] Tara: She's not your friend. Willow: I may have overestimated the "you liking her" factor. Tara: No, no. I mean, I don't... [sighs] I don't think she's...her. Willow: You lost me. Tara: Well, umph, a person's energy has a flow, a unity. [sigh] Buffy's was [sigh] was fragmented. It-it grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong. Plus, she was, um, [sigh] she was kind of mean. [heh] Willow: So you think Buffy's not herself? Like she's been possessed or something? Tara: [sigh] I'm not sure. Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? Because hyena possession is just...unpleasant. Tara: [umph] Do you have anything of hers? Willow: Of Buffy's? Uhhhh. Oh! This ring. Tara: I-I think there's a way we can, hmm... [reaches for book] The passage to the nether realm. There-there's a ritual. If you can find Buffy there, you should be able to see. Willow: If it'll help her. [Tara sighs.] Willow: What? Tara: Well, the nether realm exists beyond the physical world. Accessing it is... I-it-it's kind of like astral projection. It's very intense. I'd have to be your anchor, keep you on this plane. Willow [nods]: I trust you. Tara: It-it's not like anything that we've ever-- Willow [smiles]: I trust you. Cut to Riley's room. Buffy: You miss me? Riley: I did, actually. Everything's ok? Buffy: Everything's great. [walks forward] Riley: What about Faith? Buffy: Faith has a won a fabulous trip to England, and I [sits on Riley's lap, straddling him] got the consolation prize, which is you. Riley: So I don't have to worry about Faith showing up? Though I have to admit, I was kind of curious to meet her. Buffy holds Riley's hands and leans back, still straddling him. Riley: Or I was until about 30 seconds ago. [Buffy sits up.] Buffy: Oh, you wouldn't have liked Faith. She's not proper and joyless, like a girl should be. She has a tendency to give in to her animal instincts. [She kisses Riley and nips his lip.] Riley: Door's open. Buffy: So? Riley: So my fantasies don't tend to include a bunch of marines staring in at me. Buffy: Oh, maybe they could learn something. [She kisses his neck and Riley gets up, walking to close the door. He holds his left side with his right arm. ] Buffy: You're hurt. [He closes the door.] Riley: Ahh, um, not that bad, actually. I guess the, uh, drugs the professor gave me really did make me stronger. I'm healing pretty quick. Buffy: Maybe we should take you for a test drive. Riley: I wouldn't say no. [He walks forward.] Buffy: So...how do you want me? [She crawls on the bed looking away from Riley and turns around.] Riley: How do I? Buffy: Yeah. what do you wanna do with this body? What nasty little desire have you been itching to try out? Am I a bad girl? Do you wanna hurt me? [She puts her arms on him.] Riley: What are we playing at here? [She takes her arms off.] Buffy: I'm Buffy. Riley: Ok. then I'll be Riley. Buffy: Well, if you don't wanna play-- [She starts to leave and Riley holds her.] Riley: Right. I don't wanna play. [Riley kisses her very gently and she responds.] Cut to Tara's room. [Willow closes the curtains] [Tara puts her thumb on Willow's forehead, lips and chest.] [Tara and Willow sit side by side facing opposite directions. They are crosslegged. They whisper while stroking their outer (right) arms as if to stir water]: "Sightless sea, Ayala flows through the river in me. The inward eye, the sightless sea. Ayala flows through the river in me. The inward eye, the sightless sea. Ayala flows {through} the river in me. The inward eye, The sightless sea. Ayala flows {through} the river in me. The inward eye, The sightless sea... [Light forms from their hands and creates a circle of clouds/light around them as both arcs meet in two places.] Ayala flows through the river in me." [They touch hands palm to palm, keeping their hands flat. They are breathing heavily and are both sweating and glistening. The circle of light rises to the level of their heads. Their breathing gets heavier. They look at each other. Willow slowly falls back, closing her eyes and breaking the hand contact. The circle of light goes higher and higher. Willow arches her back and moans "unnh ohh".] Cut to Riley's room. [Riley is on top of Buffy, looking down at her.] Riley: I love you. Buffy: Uggnnh Get off. No. No. No! [Pushing Riley away] Get-get off! No. Off me. Get off. No, no-o. G-get [Buffy stands] Riley: Buffy...What? What's wrong? Buffy: (gasping) Who are you? What do you want from h-her? Riley: Should I not have...? Buffy: This is meaningless. Riley: You're shaking. [He gets up and puts a blanket/sheet on her.] Buffy; Nnnh. Riley: What happened? Buffy: Nothing. Nothing. [She puts her head against Riley's chest and her face goes into shadow.] Cut to sewers. [Adam stops pacing.] Adam: I have a gift no man has. [That] No demon has ever had. I know why I'm here. I was created to kill. To extinguish life wherever I find it. And I have accepted that responsibility. You have lived in fear and desperation because you didn't have that gift. But it's time to face your fear. [A vampire sitting cross legged rises.] Vampire: Tell us what to do. Adam: You are here to be my first. To let them know that I am coming. Vampire: We're ready. Adam: Then ask yourself, what is it? More than man, more than anything else. What is the thing you fear? Cut to Riley's room [Buffy puts on a shirt and fluffs her hair. She sees the clock reads 8:25 and she looks back between the clock and Riley. She leaves.] Cut to Frat house. [Buffy comes down the stairs.] Forrest: Hope you left him alive. Buffy: What? Forrest: Boy's supposed to be on the mend. I don't see you letting him get much rest. Buffy: I think maybe you should stay out of other people's lives. Forrest: We've got a mission here. Back when Riley could still think for himself... Buffy: You've got a mission? I've been fighting demons since before you could shave. Forrest: Yeah, you're a killer. Buffy: I am not a killer! I am the slayer!. And you don't know the first thing about me. Forrest: You really care what I think? Buffy: No. I don't care. [Throws hands up.] God, I don't care. [She leaves and the door closes.] Cut to inside of barn/workshed. Collins: They can't get us passage. They've ordered the kill. [He screws a silencer onto a pistol.] Weatherby: Torch the place? Collins: Get the gas. [Weatherby walks off.] Smith: She could've killed me. She didn't. Collins: Lucky you. [Collins sticks the gun in the truck but Faith grabs the pistol and his hands with her feet and pulls him into the truck hard enough to stun him before he can react. Faith pulls the gun to her hands and shoots the locks/chains holding her.] Smith [running away]: Weatherby! [Faith shoots a lock and smashes into the driver's area.] Faith: Keys, keys. Weatherby: Stop her, you ponce. [Faith finds the keys. Weatherby rushes the truck and Faith opens the door into him, knocking him out.] Faith: Ok, I'm good at this. [She shifts gears.] Faith: Ooh, drive. [Smith has found a gun and shoots at the truck but Faith drives the armored truck out through the wooden wall/door, breaking it.} [SCENE_BREAK] ACT 4 Cut to Airport. [Woman behind counter hands ticket to Buffy.] Woman: Here, there you go. Buffy: Thank you. Woman: You're welcome. Cut to Giles' living room. [Giles is coming down his stairs carrying a plate and some cups.] Faith: Giles! Giles: God! Faith: Don't move. Ok, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith. Giles: Really? Faith: Really. Giles: Cause the resemblance is striking. Faith: I know. Giles, you just have to... Stop inching. you were inching. Giles: Look, I-I know what you're going to say, and-and uh Faith: I'm Buffy. Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy. Faith: Faith switched. I mean, she had some device. She switched our bodies. Giles, I swear [runs hand through hair] it's me. Giles: U-um, if-if you are Buffy, then, [sets plate & cups down] uh, then you'll let me tie you up w-without killing me - until we find out whether you're telling the truth. Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I-I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything. Giles: Who's president? Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion. Giles: Oh, yes, Alright. um... Faith: Umph, Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean can't you just look in my eyes and be all intuitive? Giles: How did I turn into a demon? Faith: Oh, cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! when I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during s*x. What? Do you want me to continue? Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop. Faith: What's a stevedore? Giles: Alright, let's-- um, I need you to explain everything. Faith: And I will, after we get Faith. [Willow and Tara enter.] Willow: Giles! Faith: Will. Willow: Oh, my god. Faith: Willow, wait. you don't understand. Willow: You're Buffy. You and Faith switched bodies, probably through a Draconian Katra spell. Giles [to himself]: She understands it better than I do. Faith: How did you? Willow: Tara. Tara, this is Buffy, only really this time. Tara: Hi. Willow: Tara's a really powerful witch. Tara: Not really. Willow: No, really. She knew right away that you weren't you. So we connected with the nether realms to find out what happened. And we conjured this. [Shows green glowing item in box.] Faith: What is-- Willow: It's a Katra. Or the home-conjured version. It-it should switch you back, if you can get a hold of Faith. Faith: Oh, thank God. [telephone rings] Giles: I'll get it. Giles: Hello. Faith: Do you know where Faith is? Giles: Oh yes, uh, Buffy's here with uh, me. Actually, she--she's uh Oh, all right. Giles: Xander. Apparently there's a report on the television. [Giles turns on the tv.] News announcer: ...and barricaded themselves in the church with at least 20 parishioners. One of the few who escaped described the three men as frighteningly disfigured, almost inhuman. So far, one escapee has since died of severe neck wounds. [Cut to airport.] [Buffy sees the report on another tv.] News announcer: There is no report on the condition of the parishioners still trapped inside, but their assailants have vowed to kill all of them [Buffy looks down, then back up at the screen] if police attempt to storm the church. Interior of church. Vampire: It's hard to believe. I've been avoiding this place for so many years, and it's nothing. It's nice! It's got the pretty windows, The pillars... lots of folks to eat. Where's the thing I was so afraid of? You know, the Lord? He was supposed to be here. He gave us this address. Well, we'll just have to start killing off His people, see if He shows up. Exterior of church. [Sirens. Two police cars and an ambulance are parked outside. There are four uniformed policemen and possibly one in plainclothes. One has just put down a radio.] Riley: What'd he say? Policeman: He said I should defer command to you. Riley: Then you hold your men until the reserves arrive. This is a military situation. Policeman: What, they got bombs in there? Riley: Your men are not prepared to deal with them. Just trust me. [Siren. Riley walks nearer the church. He sees...] Riley: Buffy. Buffy: How many are in there? Riley: We think there's three. Buffy: I can do three. [Riley tugs at her arm.] Riley: Not alone. Look wait for the troops to get here. They're still mobilizing. Buffy: How did you respond so fast? Riley: I didn't. I was just late for church. [Buffy shakes her head.] Buffy: Look, when the troops get here, send 'em in, but I'm going. Riley: I don't want you risking-- [Riley tugs at her arm.] Buffy: Don't tell me what to do! I'm Buffy. I have to do this. Riley: Then I'm coming with. [Buffy pokes Riley near which he is hurt.] Riley: Ow! Buffy: I can't use you. someone comes out, you get 'em to safety. Unless they've got fangs. [Buffy enters the church.] Cut to interior. [Buffy closes the door.] Vampire: I told the cops, they send any one in, I start the whole massacre thing. Buffy: Well, I'm not the cops. I just come to pray. Vampire: now's a good time to start. Buffy: You're *not* gonna kill these people. Vampire: Why not? Buffy: Because it's wrong. [Vampire 3 attacks from behind and is thrown up in the air He collides with a column and he doesn't get up.] Vampire: You're the slayer. Buffy: The one and only. Cut to outside. [Giles is driving the armored truck. It stops and Willow, Tara and Faith jump out of the back.] Policeman: You people, get out of here! Willow: We've gotta get inside. Policeman: The police are handling this. Just back off right now. Willow: But we can't, we've gotta, Y- you don't understand. [Giles and Faith exchange a glance.] Policeman: Listen you have to clear the area. Giles [yelling]: Damn it, man, we have to get inside. [Faith moves out of sight behind the armored truck.] Our, um, uh uh families are in there. Our, um, mothers and-and tiny, tiny babies. Cut to church interior Vampire: You think we're afraid of you? We're not afraid Of anything anymore. Buffy: Then let all these people go, and all three of you can take me on. Vampire: Heh. I got a better idea. [He swings at Buffy and she dodges and hits him in the stomach, backhands his face and kicks him in the waist. He goes down. She kicks anothervvampire in the stomach and knocks him back. Then she kicks the vampire who hit the pillar and sends him flying. She drives the second vampire back with a series of punches as people flee. She breaks off some wood from the back of a pew and stakes the second vampire. She tosses him aside and he spins as he turns to dust. The vampire who hit the pillar flees and grabs a robe.] Cut to outside. [The pillar vampire runs into Riley. They fall and roll. They get up and he hits Riley in the face. Riley spins him and throws him down and holds onto the robe. The sunlight dusts him.] Riley: You forgot your coat. [Faith runs up.] Faith: Riley. {Faith hugs Riley.] Riley: Ohh. It's ok, miss. Just get yourself out of harm's way. Faith: Riley, it's me. Uh. Never mind. How many are in there? Riley: Well...who are you? Inside the last vampire breaks the stake lose from Buffy's grip and throws her back against a pew. Vampire: I have strength you couldn't dream of. [Punches Buffy in the face.] Adam has shown me the way, and there is [Same punch.] nothing --aah. He turns to dust. Faith is standing there with a stake. Buffy leaps to attack. They exchange punches and Buffy is attacking frenetically and she is slightly quicker. She knocks Faith down but Faith comes back with an uppercut and knocks her back. Faith: You can't win this. Buffy: Shut up! Do you think I'm afraid of you? [Buffy grabs Faith and throws her down, then sits on top of her and starts punching her.] You're nothing. [Punch. Punch.] Disgusting. [Punch. Punch.] [Buffy grabs Faith's hair with both hand and bangs her head.] Murderous bitch. [Bang. Bang...] You're nothing. [Bang. Bang...] [Switches back to punches] You're [Buffy is now crying.] disgusting. [Faith grabs Buffy's hand to stop a punch and their hands glow.] Now Buffy is in her own body. And Faith is in her own body. [The real Buffy falls back as their hands separate. The real Faith jumps up and runs off. The real Buffy sits, stunned or shocked, and watches her leave.] Cut to Riley's room. [The real Buffy hangs up phone. She is sitting on the bed. Riley is sitting in a chair.] Real Buffy: She's gone. not a trace. Giles said the council guys have cleared out, too. Riley: I don't understand. how could she have... ummph I mean, how's it possible? Real Buffy: Magic. Riley: There was something. I should've picked up on it. I should've just... Riley looks away, not meeting real Buffy's eyes. She realizes. Real Buffy: You slept with her. Riley [looks down]: I slept with you. [Buffy stands.] Riley: Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a s*x way. Real Buffy: I don't think she's coming back. Riley: Guess she's had her fun. Real Buffy: Yeah. Fun. Briefy real Buffy's face and real Faith's face are superimposed together on the screen as real Buffy fades out and real Faith fades in. [Real Faith is riding in a rail car with wooden sides. Train track sounds are heard.] Originally aired: February 29, 2000 BTVS for whatever reason, to enjoy, as well as those who think transcripts are just cool, and as reference material for fanfic writers. Buffy and all copyrighted characters are the product of Joss Whedon and I have nothing but respect for him and those whose hard work is put into bringing us a great show. I did this of my own free time and will never make a dime from it. Now let me add. If you are looking at this transcript, save it, copy it, send it to your friends. Unlike other transcribers, who I have nothing but respect for, if you see any mistakes that might be in this transcript, feel free to correct them, or if you just want to personalize it to suit yourself, by all means. Hell I do it. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **Transcriber's notes: Tonight, the role of Buffy Summers will be played by Eliza Dushku. For the sake of this transcript, the transcriber will refer to Faith-in-Buffy's-body as just Faith and Buffy-in-Faith's-body as just Buffy. Fade in. Night. Exterior shot of the Summers home, shortly after “This Year's Girl” ended. Several police cars are out in front of the house, strobing the neighborhood with their red lights. An ambulance is parked on the lawn, it's rear doors open and facing the house. A few curious neighbors have also gathered. A plainclothes detective (same one from last episode) is talking to the young woman he thinks is Buffy Summers. They're standing close to the steps of the front porch. Joyce Summers is walking out of the house and drapes a coat around her daughter's shoulders. Detective: It's good you called. We've been looking for this girl since she broke out of the hospital. Joyce: What's going to happen to her? Detective: Well, get her checked out. If she's in stable condition, she goes to jail, pending trial. Joyce: I just hope she gets some kind of help. Behind them, the paramedics are wheeling a gurney out the front door. Faith's body is strapped to it. She's barely conscious. Detective: The first thing is to keep her from hurting anybody else. As it's taken past Joyce and her daughter the brunette looks at them with half-opened eyes. From her blurring POV she sees the younger blonde take her mother's hand and lift it, casually, to make sure she sees this. Then her vision fades as she loses consciousness. The paramedics load her into the ambulance. Detective: Well, you guys will be safe now. We may have a couple of questions in the morning. Joyce: Oh, uh, of course. Detective: Thank you both. I'm glad we finally got the kid. Faith: (sharply) She's not a kid. (sees the detective's surprised look) I just mean that she's very strong. Detective: Yeah. This Faith chick-- definitely dangerous. With that, the detective turns and walks toward one of the squad cars. Joyce heads back into the house, but Faith stands there watching the ambulance pull out of the drive way. Faith: She truly is. Faith turns, in her new body, and starts walking back to the house. Wolf's howl. Buffy theme and credits roll. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Part One ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fade in. Interior of the Summers home. The last of the police have left and Joyce is closing the front door. Faith is casually walking into the living room stretching her arms. Joyce: Faith. Startled, Faith spins around to face her, slight panic on her face. But Joyce has a thoughtful expression. Joyce: Why do you think she's like that? Faith: (offhandedly) Well, you know. She's a nut job. Heh. Joyce: I just don't understand what could drive a person to that kind of behavior. Faith: Well, how do you know she got drove? I mean, maybe she likes being that way. Joyce: I'll never believe that. I think she's horribly unhappy. Faith: Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey, show her the error of her ways. (slight grin) I'm sure there's some big old Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection. Joyce: (shocked) Buffy! Faith: (oops) I'm sorry, Mom. It's just . . . (crosses the room to Joyce playing “concerned daughter”) when I think about how she might have hurt you, I just . . . I can't stand it. Touched, Joyce smiles and gives her a big hug. Over her shoulder we can see Faith grimace in discomfort at this mushy affection. She pulls away and heads towards the stairs. Joyce: (slightly hurt) Sorry. Faith: (makes of show of stretching her shoulders) No, I'm just, uh, sore from the fight. In front of the stairs, she faces her. Joyce: I've missed you. Faith: 'Cause I haven't visited, right? (smug) I knew it. Joyce: I know how it is. You've . . . got so much in your life now. Faith: I'm a busy little beaver. College and all. Joyce: (nods) Of course. (hopefully) But, um, maybe we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic. Faith: (pause) Count on it. (smiles) I'm gonna take a bath. She turns abruptly and heads upstairs. Cut to Faith in the tub, having a bubble bath. She sighs with her eyes closed. Then she raises her arms out of the water to examine them. She lifts her left leg straight up to look at it and smiles, caressing it with her hands. Faith lowers the leg back in the water and scoops two handfuls of suds and blows the bubbles into the air. Cut to Faith looking at Buffy's reflection in the mirror, from the mirror's POV. Her hair is hanging wet on her shoulders and she has a towel wrapped around herself. She turns her head to the right then to the left. She leans towards the mirror for a closer look and scrunches her face. She relaxes her features then uses her index fingers to push her eyebrows high on her forehead. Next, she opens her mouth wide to stick her tongue out. Again she uses her index fingers to raise her top lip, looking at Buffy's very white teeth. Cut to a few frames later, still in front of the mirror. Faith is speaking in a pleasant “stewardess” voice. Faith: Why, yes, I would be Buffy. May I help you? Cut to a few frames later. Faith: (practicing) Buf-fy. Cut to Faith sticking her tongue out again, head tilted to the side. Cut to Faith running her fingers through Buffy's wet hair, then puts forth an admonishing finger as if speaking to a child. Faith: (scolding) You can't do that! It's wrong. Cut to a few frames later. Faith: (sensitive) You can't do that, because it's naughty. (grimaces) A few more frames. Faith: (stern) Because it's wrong. Cut. Faith: (empathy) Because it's wrong. Another cut. Faith is walking a few feet away from the mirror then suddenly whips around to face it, pointing at it with her hand in a gun shape. Faith: (bad-ass tone) You can't do that! It's wrong! I'll kick your ass! Cut to same shot. Still pointing at the mirror. Faith: I'm gonna kill you! Cut to Faith leaning closer to the mirror as a voice-over of evil laughter is heard and we-- Cut to the hospital. We see a burly male nurse come crashing across the room, hitting the counter, and he falls to the floor. He just had his ass thrown. Faith's voice: (OS) Let me go! Let me go! Camera pans and we see who appears to be Faith thrashing in a bed trying to free herself from the men who are holding her down. The doctor hurries away from the bed as a police officer, the detective, and two orderlies restrain the young woman. It's all they can do to keep her on the bed. Doctor: Get me a sedative, NOW! Detective: Hold her! Buffy: (yelling) I have to go home! She's with my mother! The doctor returns and clamps a hand on her arm to still it and shoves a syringe needle into her vein. Buffy: NO! Doctor: Just lie still. Buffy: (weakening voice) You don't understand. Detective: Keep holding her. Her struggles quickly lessen as the drug takes effect. Buffy: (fading) She's taken my-- my body. Unable to keep her eyes open her head falls back. Cut to Tara's dimly lit room. Willow is laying on the bed, hands folded across her stomach. Tara is sitting on the other side of the bed reading tarot cards. Willow: I wonder where she is? Tara: Who? Faith? Willow: Yeah. I wish she would make a move. She's making my stomach all acidy. Tara: But you think Buffy can handle her? Willow sits up to face her. Willow: I think so. (worried) But that doesn't mean Faith won't hurt someone else. Tara: Well, you should be safe. Nobody knows you're here. I mean . . . they don't even know I exist, right? I know all about them, but [SCENE_BREAK] Willow: Hey. Willow puts a gentle hand on Tara's knee. Tara continues in a “no big deal” tone. Tara: I mean, I mean, th-that's totally cool. I mean, it-it's good. It's . . . it's better. But Willow can see through this. Willow: Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just . . . well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And . . there's this whole bunch of us, and-and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying, and-and I-I really want you to meet them. But I-I just kinda like having something that's just, you know . . . mine. Tara regards her silently for a moment. Willow: And I-I usually don't use so many words to say stuff that little, but (laughs softly) do you get it at all? Tara: I do. Willow takes a deep breath. Willow: I should check in with Giles, get a situation update. She gets up and rounds the bed to the other side of the room behind Tara. Tara: I am, you know. Willow stops to face her. Willow: What? Tara looks over her shoulder at her. Tara: (meaningfully) Yours. Willow just smiles at this. Cut to Buffy's bedroom. Faith is standing in front of the full-length mirror checking out Buffy's reflection. She's dressed in a long, sleek black tank top and black leather pants and boots. Buffy's hair is in wavy curls (her “Something Blue” hair). Reaching into the shirt, she adjusts Buffy's breasts to a more perky position then puts her hands on her hips to inspect the improved cleavage. Faith: Not too bad. Faith turns to Buffy's dresser and begins to search it. In the first drawer she opens she finds Buffy's passport and flips through it. Faith: Score.

Buffy (in Faith's body) is abducted by the Council's team, while Faith (in Buffy's body) has ruthless fun at the expense of Buffy. After Faith and Buffy (as each other) rescue a group of people in a church that has been attacked by vampires, they switch their bodies back. Faith begins to feel remorse, and heads to L.A.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x29

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x29_0

The Space Pirates 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: SPACE (A huge beacon - a large decagonal structure made of eight pre-fabricated sections, a docking station and a power shield section - hangs in the blackness and silence of space. The words on the side of the structure designate it as "ALPHA 1". A smaller black, pointed ship moves up next to and docks with the beacon.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA ONE. AIRLOCK (The pressure gauge in the airlock reaches normal and the doorway from the new ship buzzes opens to admit three men dressed in helmets and space armour. They carry various pieces of equipment. One of them is an older moustached man - DERVISH. He is dressed in a uniform and helmet of the same ilk. He watches as one of the other two men moves to the doorway which leads into the beacon itself and starts to open it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: SPACE (Soon, outside the beacon, two men in helmeted spacesuits traverse along the hull. As they do so, they attach a small magnetic devices to the outside of the beacon along with a propulsion unit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA ONE. PASSAGEWAY (CAVEN, the leader of the raiders, walks into the beacon from the airlock. He wears a ribbed and armoured uniform with a helmet which covers most of his head but leaves his nose, mouth and cold eyes exposed.) CAVEN: Dervish... (Shouts.) Dervish! (DERVISH walks up to him from within the beacon.) DERVISH: We're nearly finished. CAVEN: About time. DERVISH: Our men are just coming. We'll detonate by radio beam. CAVEN: Right, hurry it up. (The other two men return and they all re-enter their ship. The door to the airlock buzzes closed behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: SPACE (The ship moves away from the beacon. A radio signal transmits from the ship and, seconds later, a huge explosion takes place that breaks the beacon up into its component sections.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: SPACE (A V-Ship, a large military cruiser with the registration number V41-LO, moves through space. It is flat with an small Eagle design on the front of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (Inside the ship, the flight deck is on two levels. The upper level, whose front panel is decorated also with an Eagle insignia, is the command area whilst the flight technicians sit on the lower level. A large monitor screen dominates one of the walls of the lower level. All the occupants of the ship wear space-age military uniforms consisting of silvery suits with metallic interlocked diamond collar insignia. MAJOR IAN WARNE, the young American second in command, walks into the room and past TECHNICIAN PENN, another young man with dark hair and a moustache, on the lower level.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Everything all right, Penn? TECHNICIAN PENN: Fine, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Fine. (WARNE makes his way up to the upper level by way of some steps at the back and approaches an older grey-haired man who sits in a command chair overlooking the flight deck. The dais in front of the chair is covered by a large astral grid-map. At the back of the command level is a small monitor screen.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: You sent for me, sir? (GENERAL HERMACK looks up and speaks in a rich clipped tone.) GENERAL HERMACK: Ah yes. Ian, sit down. (WARNE sits in the chair next to him.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Thank you. GENERAL HERMACK: Any information on that beacon signal yet? MAJOR IAN WARNE: No sir. There's been no response to the secondary emergency circuits either. GENERAL HERMACK: No, there wouldn't be. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Sir? GENERAL HERMACK: What do you think has happened to that beacon? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well, it's difficult to say, sir. It could be a failure in the solar energy store. GENERAL HERMACK: No, the emergency power would operate and we'd get a May-Day signal. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well? (WARNE considers, then...) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Oh, you don't think this is a mechanical failure, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: No, no, I don't. These beacons are practically fool proof. MAJOR IAN WARNE: You got any ideas? GENERAL HERMACK: Yes, I have. And I must be right - Argonite! These beacons are almost entirely constructed of Argonite. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Of course, sir! What are you going to do about it? (HERMACK turns to the controls in front of his chair and switches on the ship wide communications. He picks up a microphone and speaks into it as all the personnel on the flight deck stop and listen to the echoing message...) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Attention all personnel. This is General Hermack. Your V-Ship is now fifty days and many billions of miles out from Earth. You're entering the fourth sector of our galaxy. In this sector for some time now, Earth Government has been aware that a highly organised gang of criminals have been roaming the space ways, and preying upon defenceless cargo ships. The main target of these criminals is Argonite, the most valuable mineral known to man, and so far only found on the planets of the Fourth Sector. A government space beacon marking the approaches to the planet New Sarum has ceased transmitting its navigation signal. These beacons, as you know, are constructed of Argonite. It is my belief that the criminals are attacking the government navigation beacons and plundering the Argonite. There can be no other explanation for its failure. This being the case, I have decided to...abandon our present mission and to investigate the missing beacon in the New Sarum sector. I want all section commanders on the bridge at twenty hundred hours, sector four, solar time. Resume normal duties until then. (He switches off and turns back to WARNE who gestures to the grid map.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: There are eighteen space beacons cra...scattered across this sector, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Seventeen, Ian, until the one at New Sarum's replaced. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Seventeen. And they're millions of miles apart. GENERAL HERMACK: Mmm hmm. MAJOR IAN WARNE: So how can we be sure which one the pirates are likely to attack next? GENERAL HERMACK: (Smiles.) Ha ha! We can't. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well exactly. The odds are seventeen to one against us being in the right place at the right time. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah! With our speed, I think we can cut those odds a bit. (He also points to the map.) GENERAL HERMACK: Now, there are four beacons in the Pliny Solar System here. That is where we'll start our patrol. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: SPACE (Beacon "ALPHA 7" is as seemingly as peaceful in the blackness of space as its recently destroyed counterpart. Again, the sleek, pointed ship docks with the structure.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA SEVEN. AIRLOCK (Again the airlock gauge rises and the door to the newly arrived ship buzzes open. CAVEN and DERVISH both enter the airlock followed by the two space-suited pirates who again carry their equipment and start to ready it. CAVEN watches the two men impatiently.) CAVEN: (Urgently.) Come on! Speed it up. DERVISH: Caven, I don't like this. CAVEN: Nobody's asking you to like it. Just get those scissor charges laid into position. DERVISH: If we attack any more beacons we'll have the whole of the Interstella Space Corps in this sector. CAVEN: Look. As of this moment, the Space Corps has its hands full of trouble. Brush fire wars in three different sectors . There's never been a better time for getting rich. (DERVISH opens the door to the beacon.) DERVISH: Right lads. Now we'll lay four charges along the main axle, then we'll attach booster charges around the hull. Okay. (The two pirates move into the beacon. DERVISH is about to follow but CAVEN stops him.) CAVEN: You're a good engineer, Dervish. Just do your job and leave the Space Corps to me, eh? DERVISH: Okay, but I worked ten years for Earth Government. CAVEN: You should've stayed with them. They'd have given you a pension. (CAVEN laughs.) DERVISH: Attacking Government property is one crime they make sure never pays. CAVEN: Sixteen hundred tons of pure Argonite pays all right, Dervish. To me this is like a floating bank. (CAVEN laughs again and the two men step into the beacon.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: SPACE (The two space-suited pirates float along the outside of Beacon Alpha Seven, again placing charges and a propulsion unit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (WARNE is on the lower command deck and stops before the station of TECHNICIAN PENN.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: What range are the forward scanners set for, Penn? TECHNICIAN PENN: Fifteen hundred, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well, reset them at, er, two thousand. Right? TECHNICIAN PENN: Very good, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: And keep a sharp eye on that screen. There are lots of rogue asteroids in the Pliny System. TECHNICIAN PENN: Sir. (WARNE steps up to the upper deck where HERMACK is giving instructions to another part of the V-Ship through the tannoy system.) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Oh and one thing more. Make sure the Minnow ships are fully fuelled, and put the detonation heads on their missiles. Report back as soon as that is done. (HERMACK finishes giving his instructions.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: We're approaching the Pliny system now, sir. We've made scanner contact with the four beacons. They're functioning normally. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah good. (He looks over the astral chart and indicates one point on it.) GENERAL HERMACK: Now this - the planet Ta here - is the main one in the system. We'll orbit here for a few weeks and see what happens. MAJOR IAN WARNE: So that's Ta, huh? GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, you've heard of it? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yeah, that's the headquarters of the Issigri Mining Corporation. The most productive planet in the entire galaxy. GENERAL HERMACK: Hm hmm. Madeleine Issigri has built quite a place there. Which is one reason for basing ourselves in the Pliny system. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Why's that a reason, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: Well, if we're out here long, Ian, the men will need somewhere for rest and recreation. Deep space sickness is the one thing we can't chance. (PENN calls up from his lower deck station.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Major Warne? MAJOR IAN WARNE: What is it Penn? TECHNICIAN PENN: I've got a contact sir. At... (He checks the radar scanner.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Beacon Alpha Seven. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Well hold on it. Any identification? TECHNICIAN PENN: No sir. Too far away. (HERMACK studies PENN'S screen from the upper level.) GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, it's a space ship right enough. Check central flight information, Ian, and see if anyone should be out there. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Right sir. (WARNE walks off to check and HERMACK shouts our an order to his crew.) GENERAL HERMACK: Change course for Beacon Alpha Seven. (He then speaks through the ship's tannoy system.) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Bridge to Power Room, I want ten seconds main boost. (The rising sound of the engines echoes through the room. WARNE returns with his report.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: According to flight information, sir, there should be no ships in the area within the next seventeen days. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, well whoever they are they've not yet reported to central flight information. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Do you think it's the Pirates? GENERAL HERMACK: It could be. Though some of these commercial flights don't always like to report their whereabouts, er, for reasons of their own. Anyway we shall soon know. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: SPACE (The pirate ship moves away from Beacon Alpha Seven and off into space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (This movement shows on PENN'S radar screen.) TECHNICIAN PENN: She's backing off, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Keep track of her. (The blip on the screen gathers pace as they all watch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: SPACE (The pirate ship moves further off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK TECHNICIAN PENN: She's moving quite fast, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Got a good turn of speed for a commercial. GENERAL HERMACK: Is Beacon Alpha Seven still functioning? (WARNE checks a reading.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Yes, sir. Very strong signal. GENERAL HERMACK: Ah, well, that's something. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Maybe they were just picking up emergency supplies, sir. Some of these beacons do carry reserve medical and oxygen equipment. TECHNICIAN PENN: (Puzzled.) Sir, I've... got another signal coming in now. It's a UHF! MAJOR IAN WARNE: UHF? Well that's reserved for demolition teams. GENERAL HERMACK: Well, put it on audio. TECHNICIAN PENN: Yes sir. (PENN does as instructed and the warbling signal is heard across the flight deck issuing from a loudspeaker.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: SPACE (Space Beacon Alpha Seven explodes, again not into fragments but into its component pre-fabricated sections.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK TECHNICIAN PENN: Alpha Seven's broken up, sir! GENERAL HERMACK: (Angrily.) Argh! Right under our noses. Main boost. (Again the sound of the rising engines is heard.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Lost the beacon, sir. No more signal. MAJOR IAN WARNE: No there won't be. It's probably in a dozen separate bits by now. GENERAL HERMACK: Penn, hold contact with that pirate ship! TECHNICIAN PENN: Yes, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: At least we can be sure they don't get away. Ian give me a projected arrival, time. (WARNE checks a console.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Three hours, sir. Maybe I can get a visual on the main scanner. (In place of the image of the radar signal, a picture of a pirate ship and the beacon fragments appears on the front view screen.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: There she is, sir. And that's what's left of the beacon. GENERAL HERMACK: (Pleased.) Oh we've got them cold, Ian! We'll be onto them long before they get rid of that salvaged scrap. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yeah, providing she doesn't see us approaching, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: They don't know... TECHNICIAN PENN: That ship looks fast... GENERAL HERMACK: They don't know we're in the same area. (Suddenly the image on the screen starts to become less distinct.) GENERAL HERMACK: What's wrong with the scanner? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Seem to be losing visual contact, sir. TECHNICIAN PENN: The ship's moving away, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: What? TECHNICIAN PENN: Just started to go...and the beacon debris's going with her. GENERAL HERMACK: Hold that contact, Penn! TECHNICIAN PENN: It's no good, sir. She's going too fast. GENERAL HERMACK: They must have twice our speed. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Maybe the minnows can hold her? GENERAL HERMACK: Not at this distance. They haven't the fuel. TECHNICIAN PENN: Lost contact, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: (Resigned.) Oh...hold the same course. TECHNICIAN PENN: Sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Keep searching. MAJOR IAN WARNE: They must have attached rocket units to the beacon, sir, the way it moved off. GENERAL HERMACK: Yes. They're very well organised. They cut the beacon into several manageable pieces by means of scissor charges, then shoot the bits off to some pre-arranged collection point. Very clever. MAJOR IAN WARNE: And quick. It cuts down the time they're at risk. And they just burn out the Argonite at their leisure. GENERAL HERMACK: Ian, we shall have to rethink our tactics. We shall never catch them by normal patrol methods. MAJOR IAN WARNE: What else can we do, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: (Thinks.) Man the beacons. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Man them? GENERAL HERMACK: It's the only answer. We'll drop small parties of four or five men on each beacon, and give them rations and supplies for two months. Well all these mark five beacons were designed as emergency survival centres. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yes sir, but I don't think anybody has ever tried living on them. Some of these beacons are pretty primitive. GENERAL HERMACK: (Snaps.) I'm not interested in men's comfort, Major! Set course for the nearest beacon. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yes, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: SPACE (Some time later, the V-Ship docks with another Space Beacon - Alpha Four, in order to carry out HERMACK'S strategy.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. AIRLOCK (The airlock pressure rises and the hatch from the V-Ship opens to admit the dark-skinned LT. SORBA and four other men who carry their guns and rations for their protracted stay. WARNE follows them into the airlock and small box-shaped communicator with a round aerial on top of it.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Here's your radio, lieutenant. It's beamed automatically to main control. All you have to do in the event of trouble is press this button, right? LT. SORBA: Don't worry, I'll press it. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Remember your main job here is to give us the earliest possible warning in the event of the pirate ship approaching right? LT. SORBA: And after that, we fight them. MAJOR IAN WARNE: After that, I think you'll have to, Joe. Good Luck. LT. SORBA: Thank you. MAJOR IAN WARNE: See you in about six weeks. LT. SORBA: I hope. (WARNE goes through the airlock and back into the V-Ship. The door closes behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: SPACE (The V-Ship disconnects from the Beacon and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (WARNE walks back onto the flight deck through the opening door as HERMACK gives the order to go onto their next destination.) GENERAL HERMACK: Set a course for Alpha Nine. TECHNICIAN PENN: Very good, sir. MAJOR IAN WARNE: I told Lieutenant Sorba we'd be back in about six weeks, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: Or much earlier if the pirates raid Alpha Four. How's morale on the picket? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Oh, it's pretty high sir. I think they're hoping for the chance of a party. GENERAL HERMACK: They understand they have to shoot on sight? MAJOR IAN WARNE: Yes sir, I told them. No, anybody poking their nose aboard Alpha Four will find plenty of trouble waiting for 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPUTER BAY (The TARDIS materialises in the middle of this potential battlefield. Its arrival point is a cramped computer bay in one of the sections.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPANIONWAY (Meanwhile, LT. SORBA is briefing three of his men in one of the narrow companionways of the beacon. As he does so, the fourth of his SPACE GUARDS climbs down a ladder into the companionway.) LT. SORBA: Now we're going to be here for about six weeks. Settle down... (The SPACE GUARD pushes through him comrades.) SPACE GUARD: 'Scuse me. LT. SORBA: ...and keep your eyes open. Take care about... SPACE GUARD: (Interrupts.) Sir! LT. SORBA: What? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in the observation tower? SPACE GUARD: There's something in the computer bay, sir. LT. SORBA: Something? Well what do you mean by that? SPACE GUARD: I heard something in there, sir - a noise. LT. SORBA: All right, we'd better check it out then. Come on. (The men run off towards the computer bay with their guns held.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPUTER BAY (The DOCTOR steps out of the TARDIS and looks round his darkened surroundings. The TARDIS is at the back of the small compartment on a raised platform. In front of the platform is a square piece of machinery.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. (ZOE, dressed in light-coloured hotpants and matching top, steps out of the TARDIS behind him.) ZOE: Well, what's wrong? DOCTOR: Well, I...well, I don't think we're...we're quite where I expected. (JAMIE mutters in no great surprise. The DOCTOR spots the piece of machinery and starts to look over it.) DOCTOR: But never mind. This looks very interesting. JAMIE: Interesting? A piece of old machinery? DOCTOR: Yes. I...I've never seen a computer quite like this before, Jamie. (ZOE starts to look round the compartment.) ZOE: It looks like some sort of control room. DOCTOR: Yes, but what does it control? JAMIE: Ah, well I think we'd better get out of here before somebody catches us. ZOE: Good idea. (She indicates a door to her left.) ZOE: There's a door here. JAMIE: No, Zoe, I meant in the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Jamie, stop worrying. There's obviously nobody here. JAMIE: Well, how do you know that? DOCTOR: Well, this machine is programmed to operate by itself. JAMIE: Eh? ZOE: Yes, but what does it do? DOCTOR: Well, I'm not sure Zoe, but I...I think we're on an unmanned spacecraft in a...in a fixed orbit. We're...we're too far away from anywhere to be a...a weather satellite. Let's see what, er, what clues we can find through here, shall we? (They are about to leave the computer bay through the hatchway indicated by ZOE into the corridor when JAMIE sees a floor panel opening in the upper level of the bay.) JAMIE: What's that? DOCTOR: What? (Before JAMIE can answer, SORBA pops his head through and starts firing at the trio.) JAMIE: Doctor! ZOE: Oh Jamie, run! (The DOCTOR, JAMIE and ZOE bolt into the corridor, but away from the computer bay and the TARDIS. JAMIE slams the hatch behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR JAMIE: Nobody here eh? ZOE: Oh now what are we going to do? The TARDIS is in there. DOCTOR: There's only one thing we can do. ZOE: What? DOCTOR: Run. JAMIE: Well, maybe next time you'll listen to me. ZOE: If there is a next time. (They dash off as the hatch opens with SORBA and his men in pursuit. SORBA turns round to his men.) LT. SORBA: All right there are only three of them and they can't get away. Hunt them down and don't forget - shoot to kill. (They carry on the chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: SPACE (Meanwhile, the Pirates' beta dart ship docks with Beacon Alpha Four.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. AIRLOCK (The airlock buzzes open and CAVEN and DERVISH step through, looking round.) CAVEN: Alpha Four. Another present from the home planet's tax payers. DERVISH: Same procedure as last time? CAVEN: Yes, Dervish, but now that you've had a little practice get those scissor charges laid a bit quicker eh? (The sound of shots from SORBA and his men reach them.) DERVISH: Hey, what's that? Caven, those were blaster guns! CAVEN: Get the crew in here - at the double. (DERVISH moves back through the airlock into the beta dart to get the crew.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. ANOTHER CORRIDOR (The TARDIS crew, somewhat out of breath, run into another corridor and lock the connecting door behind them.) JAMIE: Are you all right, Zoe? ZOE: Yes, I think so. (The DOCTOR turns a locking bar on the hatch door.) DOCTOR: That should hold them for a little while. ZOE: Oh, why are they trying to kill us? We haven't done anything. JAMIE: (Indignantly.) No! DOCTOR: I don't know. But we're certainly not stopping to find out. (A strange sound reaches them.) JAMIE: What's that? (Points.) Look! (The light of a thermic lance appears on the door as SORBA and his men start to cut their way through.) DOCTOR: Come on. Let's find somewhere else to hide. (They run down the corridor into another room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (SORBA and his men continue cutting through the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT (The TARDIS crew find that they have reached a dead end. They are on another small platform which has a handrail running along it. On the right hand side of the lower level is a bank of machinery.) JAMIE: Doctor, there's no way out of here. DOCTOR: What? JAMIE: Look! ZOE: (Plaintively.) Oh Doctor, what can we do? DOCTOR: Well, I don't know. If we go down there we'll bump straight into them. I'm afraid we're trapped! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (The pirates catch up with the space corps and shoot down SORBA'S men in front of the doorway they are still cutting through. As SORBA collapses, he uses the radio beam to send out a distress signal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK TECHNICIAN PENN: Thirty minutes from Beacon Alpha Three, sir GENERAL HERMACK: Right, warn the picket to stand by on C deck, Ian. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Right, sir. (He is about to step away, but an alarm beep starts to be heard in the room.) TECHNICIAN PENN: Emergency from Beacon Alpha Four, sir! MAJOR IAN WARNE: Sorba's being attacked! GENERAL HERMACK: Set course for Alpha Four. Try and get me a visual on the scanner, Ian. TECHNICIAN PENN: On course, sir. (HERMACK speaks into the communicator.) GENERAL HERMACK: (Into microphone.) Bridge to Power House: I want main boost for as long as you can hold it without vapourising the motors. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (CAVEN and his men are standing over the bodies of the space corps guards. CAVEN notices SORBA is still moving.) CAVEN: This one's still alive. DERVISH: So the Space Corps were too busy to bother about us eh? CAVEN: (Harshly.) Shut up! I'm thinking. DERVISH: There's no time for thinking - we've got to get out of here! CAVEN: Four space guards and an officer. What are they doing here? DERVISH: There must be a cruiser in the area. CAVEN: Not a big enough crew to defend the beacon, but they must have been put on board for a reason. (He notices the radio beam device near SORBA'S hand. He picks it up to examine it.) CAVEN: What's this? DERVISH: It looks like a fixed beam transmitter. (Realises.) Why that's it! Well, they'll...they'll be on their way back here by now. CAVEN: (Quietly.) Then you'd better get moving. DERVISH: Well, you don't still want the beacon cutting up? CAVEN: That's what we came here to do. DERVISH: Well, you might...! CAVEN: (Interrupts.) Don't waste time. Get on with it. (As DERVISH walks off, CAVEN takes out his gun and destroys the transmitter...) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (...and the signal on the flight deck cuts out.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Could be their radio's packed up, sir? GENERAL HERMACK: Yes. Can you give me a projected arrival time? (WARNE checks his console.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: Two hours, twenty minutes. GENERAL HERMACK: I should have left a stronger picket. MAJOR IAN WARNE: Oh no, sir. We haven't the man power. Besides, Sorba knew he could only hope to delay things. GENERAL HERMACK: I am going to get that gang of murdering thieves if I have to spend the next ten years out here! [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. CORRIDOR (LT. SORBA, weakened from his wound, lies in a heap on the floor, with CAVEN standing over him. SORBA looks over his fallen comrades.) CAVEN: Yes, Lieutenant, you're the last of the toy soldiers. LT. SORBA: Shot in the back. CAVEN: (Laughs.) You mean we're disqualified? You don't want to play any more? LT. SORBA: You can laugh now. But you won't get away with this. CAVEN: Who's going to stop me, Lieutenant? LT. SORBA: How did you get those decoys aboard? CAVEN: (Puzzled.) Decoys? LT. SORBA: Those three that lead us into your ambush. CAVEN: Concussion Lieutenant, or stalling for time - which? LT. SORBA: You know who I'm talking about. They ran off into the aft-companion way. CAVEN: None of my men down there. Must be some of yours. LT. SORBA: (Sarcastically.) Sure, we were having a private training session with loaded Thermite Guns. CAVEN: (Considers.) We did hear firing in the airlock. You mean there really is someone else in there? LT. SORBA: I thought you'd planted them there. CAVEN: Well, whoever they are, I've got no time to bother with them now. (DERVISH runs up to CAVEN.) DERVISH: I've laid the charges. Just fixing the rockets. CAVEN: Good. (He gestures to SORBA.) CAVEN: Well, if he can walk get him out of here. If he can't leave him. (CAVEN fires his gun at the round lock on the hatch door to the compartment.) DERVISH: What are you doing ? (CAVEN fires again.) CAVEN: Just sealing a coffin, Dervish. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT (On the other side of the door, the three travellers strain to listen to the pirates' conversation.) JAMIE: I wish we could hear what they're saying. ZOE: I believe they're trying to burn through it. DOCTOR: Just a minute. I think they've gone away. ZOE: Well, I don't understand. Why didn't they come in here after us? JAMIE: Aye, they must've known we were trapped. DOCTOR: Well... JAMIE: Why not finish us off? DOCTOR: They didn't seem very friendly did they? (The DOCTOR, who has been leaning against the door to listen, suddenly jumps back.) DOCTOR: Oh! JAMIE: What's the matter? DOCTOR: Well it's hot. You try. JAMIE: Er, ah, no thank you. ZOE: I told you they were trying to burn through it. JAMIE: Well, why haven't they? (They hear a banging noise outside the compartment.) ZOE: ... JAMIE: Shh! ZOE: What's that? (They move to listen against the outer wall.) DOCTOR: There's something moving out there. ZOE: It sounds as though somebody's on the hull. [SCENE_BREAK] 36: SPACE (Once again, two space-suited pirates attach the charges and propulsion units to the hull.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT JAMIE: What are they doing? DOCTOR: I don't know Jamie. Perhaps they're cleaning the windows? JAMIE: Oh... (Realising.) Hey? ZOE: Look, why don't we sneak back to the TARDIS and get out of here? JAMIE: Aye, while we've still got the chance. DOCTOR: Sensible idea, Zoe. Er, umm. You sure there's nobody out there? ZOE: Well, I haven't heard anybody for ages. Come on. (ZOE approaches the door.) DOCTOR: Mind out, it's hot. (She touches the door.) ZOE: Well it's not hot any more. DOCTOR: What? (ZOE tries to open the door, but it won't budge.) ZOE: Oh, I can't unlock it. JAMIE: Oh, let me, Zoe. You'll have to eat more porridge. (JAMIE gives it a try, but to no avail.) DOCTOR: Jamie, I don't think it's any use. You know what I think they've done? JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: They've welded the lock. We're prisoners. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: SPACE (The Pirates' Beta Dart detaches from the beacon and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK (PENN calls up to the commanding officers on the upper deck.) TECHNICIAN PENN: They're leaving Beacon Alpha Four, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 40: SPACE (The Beta Dart continues to speed off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. V-SHIP FLIGHT DECK MAJOR IAN WARNE: It's exactly what happened before. GENERAL HERMACK: What is our arrival time? TECHNICIAN PENN: Still ninety minutes to go, sir. GENERAL HERMACK: (Furiously.) We are going to be too late again! (They suddenly hear the detonation radio signal.) MAJOR IAN WARNE: The beacon should blow any second now. [SCENE_BREAK] 42: SPACE (Space Beacon Alpha Four explodes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. SPACE BEACON ALPHA FOUR. COMPARTMENT (The TARDIS crew is thrown to the floor screaming, as smoke fills the exploding beacon.)

Space beacons are being destroyed by pirates, who are salvaging the argonite metal. When the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe arrive on one of the beacons, they are mistaken for pirates.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x13

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x13_0

Lucas: Do you ever wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life altering? Is it four years like high school? One year? An eight-week rock tour? Can your life change in a month, or a week, or a single day? We're always in a hurry, to grow up, to go places, to get ahead. But when you're young, one hour can change everything. Karl: How are we doing this mornig seniors? Did anyone wake up with their clothes on from the night before still drunk with strange big hangover? Anyone? Well I guess that was just me. Actually last night was UNO night at my house, and it was a blood bath but I cannot discuss it with you right now, so we won't. But let me ask you guys a question: does today's class really matter? Or is it just a fifty-minute requirement designed to get your grades so you can go on to college or a job and the rest of your lives, anyone? Brooke: If we say yes, can we have the grade and go on with the rest of our lives? Karl: Mouth, using one word describe how your classmates see you. Mouth: Ugh, awesome? Lucas: Yep! Karl: Ok. Let's say that there are five universal terms to describe everyone in high school, okay? Let's say jock, prom queen, geek, loaner, and ...? Brooke: Slut? Karl: Okay, considering that awesome is not a category, Shelly Simon, describe Mouth in one word. Shelly: I don't really know him, but, nice, I guess. Karl: Nice. I suppose we could find 'nice' under friendly, but since friendly doesn't mean friendly that would make Mouth a slut. You have four other choices. Shelly: Geek I guess. Karl: Geek? You're joining the club Mouth. Okay, class, Nathan five choices? Everyone: Jock. Karl: Lucas? Everyone: Jock. Karl: Brooke? Everyone: Prom queen. Karl: Rachel? Everyone: Friendly! Rachel: Hey! Karl: Peyton? Everyone: Prom queen. Peyton: Oh come on I am so a loaner! Glenda: Right, a loaner cheerleader who's dating a jock. No offence but I'm a loaner, you're a prom queen. Karl: Like it or not, you are who you classmates see you as. But here's the good news: that's gonna change soon. Because prett y soon you're gonna be going out into that big, wild world and you can erase all those [...]. Now for some of you shading this image is gonna be a great thing. And for some of you, not such a great thing. But what matters is that you know who you really are. And you know how you want the world to see you. Well, you've been together for what? For four years? Haley? What's Lucas' middle name? Haley: Eugene. Ohh, I'm sorry I'm so sorry. Karl: Lucas what's Glenda's last name? Lucas: I don't know. Sorry. Karl: Okay everyone on this side of the room I want you to write your name on a piece of paper and put it in Nathan's cap. Okay, hurry up. Everyone on this side of the room is gonna draw a name. And the name that you draw will be the person that you will spend the rest of the class with. Maybe we'll find out if fifty minutes can matter. Okay pass the hat around. Shelly who do you have? Shelly: Mouth. Karl: Karma's a funny thing isn't it? Haley? Haley: Skills...ington. Karl: Rachel? Rachel: Bevin. Karl: Glenda? Glenda: Gotta love karma... Lucas. Karl: Nora? Nora: Oh, I have Noriah. Karl: Emma? Emma: I've got Zach. Karl: Michael? Micheal: I got Fedde. Karl: Brooke? Brokke: I have Chase. Karl: Peyton? Peyton: I have... Nathan. Karl: Okay here's the deal, everyone pair up, you can leave the class but not the campus. At the door you'l find a camera, I want each of you, at the end of the class to take a picture of your partner. This picture represents how you see them. That picture is going into the year book for the rest of time. Now for some of you this is an opportunity to reinvent youself starting today. Brooke: Do we have to reinvent ouselves, cause I think most of my friends see me as fabulous! Karl: Maybe so. But my friend Mr Miller sees you as the girl who's failing calculus. Okay everyone go and get a camera and get out of here. Oh wait one more thing, with the cameras a list of instructions at the end of the class I want you to tell me what you learnt about your partner. You have fifty minutes, go. Mouth: Well I guess you're stuck with the geek. Skills: Okay Haley J.S. Let me make a deal with you, as long as you don't give birth early, we're good. Bevin: I don't get it. Lucas: I'm Lucas... Glenda: Scott. Right. At least i know your last name. Nathan: This is kinda like the Boy Trade, actually we won't be kissing and the partial nudity. Peyton: The hour is still young. Brooke: So about this whole calculus thing... Lucas: Glenda! Glenda. I'm sorry about not knowing your name. Can we just do the assignment? Look the first thing on the list it's huh... 'share something personal with your partner'. Glenda: Farell, my last name's Farell. Is that personal enough for you? Brooke: Will you just listen to me please? Chase: So what? You accidently forgot to tell me that you were failing calculus when you started tutoring me... in calculus. How did you get that A I saw on your test anyway? Brooke: It's complicated trust me. Chase: Trust you... I already did that. And now I find that my tutor is doing worse in calculus than I. Brooke: It's a long story okay? Chase: Well don't tell me other story Brooke! Tell me the truth. Or is that even possible for you to do? Brooke: Okay. Come on. Mouth: You know you shouldn't judge people like that. You called me a geek! Shelly: It was the only category that fit. I called you nice first. Mouth: Well how do you know I'm nice? Maybe I'm not nice. Shelly: I can see that. Mouth: We're supposed to tell each other something personal. Like... huh... my middle name is Leonardo, after my grandpa Leo. I guess that's kinda geeky. Shelly: Wow you really got personal there. Mouth: Well it's not like you're gonna tell me anything real either right? It's just an assignment. Shelly: Before I started Clean Teens, I was in a serious relationship with this guy I met at summer camp. I was pretty intense. And then, we couldn't see each other for the rest of the summer. My parents, they wouldn't let me talk to him or... anything. But I knew I'd see him when we'd got back to school on the fall. And, the night before we got back I couldn't sleep. This is the spot I was standing at when I finally saw him again... with his new girlfriend. He looked at me, you know, he looked right at me, and then he just walked away, without a word. It was just over. That's the moment I thought of Clean Teens. Like you said, it's not like I'm actually gonna tell you anything real. Haley: Okay pregant girl on the roof! Skills: Come on, [...] we had a deel, no early delivers! Haley: Right! Skills: Now check it out you're gonna love this view, it's the [...] Haley: Wow, this view really is the [...]. Skills: You see that factory way out there? I might possibly work in this [...] graduate in Tree Hill. Six days a week on [...]. So we're supposed to tell each other something personal right? Haley: Yeah. Skills: Ok, well, here's mine. There's a job waiting for me in that place, if I don't get a scholarship to college. Haley: It's not gonna happen Skills. I can feel it! Skills: I'm glad you're so sure. Haley: NO, the baby's kiking I can feel it! Here! Skills: It's like a step show. Haley: Something personal right? Skills: Yeah! Peyton: So I guess I was right about the partial nudity thing. Boys lockroom? Nathan: Just following the assignment. Peyton: Ok. Nathan: You see this [...]? The summer I decided t really dedicate myself to basketball, my dad said I was way too skinny to ever be a great player. He said I wasn't tough enough, that I wasn't stong enough. So to prove him wrong, I spent every single day in this training room. It was like a thousand degrees in it, but I wasn't gonna let him be right. Peyton: Anger's motivation. Nathan: Anger and inspiration. Everytime I benched another ten pounds, I scratched two letters, under the plate. Peyton: What does it say? PS? Nathan: It was the same summer we started dating. We were pretty good together weren't we? Peyton: Gimme your hand. Ok, I want you to feel this. Nathan: Geez what happened? Peyton: I broke that neckle punching something after we've broken up for like the twentieth time! We were horrible together! Nathan: Yeah, I know, I was kinda hoping you forgot. Peyton: No. Bevin: Ok so I don't get it. We're supposed to do these stuff on the list and then take a picture for the year book. Rachel: That's the plan! Bevin: Well I already took my photo for the year book, and my hair looked really pretty that day. Rachel: It's not that kind of photo... and anyway it doesn't matter because this assignment makes me wanna get high. Bevin: Seriously. Rachel: You're not listening, see: this assignment makes me wanna get high. Brooke: I got a copy of the key and I stole the test. Chase: It's great Brooke, anything else? Brooke: I don't really believe in Clean Teens I just stayed in it because of you. That's the one thing I was really truthful about: my feelings for you. Chase: Well it doesn't matter now does it? Mouth: Anyone for starting over? Shelly: Hey. I'm sorry about judging you. You seem like a really nice guy. Mouth: Ok you gotta stop saying that! Shelly: Why? Mouth: Because that's part of the problem! I hate being the nice guy, the little brother, the great friend. For just once, I'd like to be a little dangerous you know. Not so safe. Shelly: Yeah. Mouth: So, what's next on the list? Shelly: Ok: lighten up. Do an impression of a celebrity or a famous character. Mouth: This is gonna be awesome baby! He's a [...], a [...] magician! It's Dick Vitale. He's a sports annoucer. He's really famous. Lucas: You seem so familiar love. Have I threatened you before? I'm captain Jack Sparrow. Haley: So my sister Mary Kate was like: Ashley, you really need to eat something. Lucas: Merry Christmas you [...]! Nathan: I like you, do you like me? Peyton: I like sexytime explosion! Haley: I'm sorry Dawson, it's just, I love Pacey. Brooke: Happy Birthday Mister President. Haley: Say hello to my little friend! Nathan: My wife, she's very nice. Hi 5! Lucas: My precious, oh my precious gotta keep it from the hobbitses, oh the hobbitses! Glenda: You do a really good Elmo. Shelly: Admit something that worries you or something you're afraid of. Mouth: You. Shelly: Me? Why? Mouth: Because you're really pretty. And it's kinda intimidating. Nathan: I walked a hundred times in the gim, thousands of fans screaming at me, taunting me, I never flinched. I just take it all and [...]. No fear. But the thought of being a father scares the hell out of me. Haley: I love the idea of being a mom. I really do. But, I just, I still wanna leave my mark on this world. Skills: That what scares you? Not having the chance to do that? Haley: Yeah, a little. And clowns. Clowns really scare me. Bevin: What are you afraid of Rachel? Rachel? Rachel: I'm afraid, I'm way too high to care. Brooke: I was worried I wouldn't be enough for you. That's why I lied. That's what I'm afraid of. Not being enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not... Chase: Brooke, you're the student council president, captain of the Cheerleaders and probably one of the most popular girls of the school! How is that not good enough? Brooke: I don't know you should ask my parents, considering they haven't called in a month. A month and a half, actually. Not a single call, or texto, or email so what do you suppose that says about me? Chase: I think it says more about your parents. Brooke: You haven't told me what you're afraid of. Glenda: I'm afraid of my mom. Lucas: Come on, is she really that bad? Glenda: You see these diamond earings? I can only wear them at school because I stole them from her. Lucas: Why? Glenda: Because she loves them more than me. How about you? Lucas: I'm killing two birds in one stone. Something personal and something I'm afraid of. This is the first draft to a novel I'm writting. This is the personal part. Glenda: Who knew? Lucas: No one. Glenda: How come? Lucas: My first dream was to play professional basketball, I already gave that up. You're holding my second dream. If this thing sucks it's gonna be kinda hard to find a third one. Bevin: Ok, where do you plan to be in ten years? Rachel: In ten years, I plan to be twenty eight. Bevin: Not at this rate. Brooke: I want my fashionline to be hugely successful. Chase: I'd like to be a pilot. I always wanted to fly. Shat off to far away places. Brooke: Milan. Chase: Why not? That or be an X Game champion. That would make Clean Teens a bad ass! [SCENE_BREAK] Nathan: Oh I hope in ten years, Haley's got a bunch of platine albums, my dad learnt how to be a great grandparent, my mom's alive and sober and hopefully my son will have a kickass of a drible! Peyton: Ok, but the question is about you duffus! Where do you plan to be in ten years? Natan: I know, but if everbody else's dreams come true, then, I'll be fine. Peyton: Nate, I think it's great that you take care of Haley, and that you're worried about your family, but if you don't start putting yourself first every once in a while, and chasing your own dream, then, I'm scared you're gonna wake up one day, and have to wonder what could have been, like Dan. Don't be haunted like that Nate. Skills: You know basketball is global now right? I mean, everybody thinks being a pro is just NBA. Me I'd be happy just playing backetball oversea somewhere. So we [...] on a world tour, we'll remember this day and [...] a laugh about it. Haley: Ohhh man, I'd love to play music for living, but, if that doesn't happen I'll also be happy. Skills: Yeah? Doing what? Shelly: You know I don't know yet. But, whatever it is it's gonna be ok because I'll have a great group of friends, that I can laugh with and a few secret comforts that keep me sain, like I want a grey big [...] cat that greets me when I come home. And a boy, that I'm in love with. Yeah, in ten years I'm definitely in love. Lucas: Oh if I don't make it as a writter I can at least come back here and coach the Ravens. I mean Whitey's retired, my mom's here, and besides I love this place. Glenda: Not me. I can't wait to get out of here. I'm going as far away as I can get, and I'm gonna try to forget this place ever existed. Haley: I never thought about teaching until now but, I thing I could be really happy doing that. When I tutor someone, and I watch them get it like that light goes on, it just feels really good. Anyway. Skills: So look we got one more thing to do, before we take our pictures. Tell your partner a secret. This one will do some damages. Brooke: Rachel bet me that I couldn't sleep with you within three dates. Chase: Well. Brooke: But I need you to know something. I would have never ever asked you to compromise what you believe in or try to presure you out of it. That's the truth. And I just need you to know it. Even though I kno I don't have a chance with you now. Chase: Is that it? No more secrets? Brooke: That's it. I promise. Chase: Well here's one more. You are enough Brooke. And if I just get you to quit lying, I think i'm gonna like the real you. But shhhh, don't tell anyone. It's a secret. Rachel: What time is it? It feels like we've been in here for ever. Bevin: Well, that's because you're wasted. I don't suppose you wanna tell me a secret and actually participate. Rachel: I'll tell you a secret, not because of class, just because. I never really felt anything with the guys I slept with. When I got my new body I thought it would change everything. Maybe it did for the boys, but not for me. Bevin: You know, I always wanted to know what it was like to be a dude, like walking through the halls in jeans and a [...] tee shirt or bad ass, you know, talking smack and checking out checks and stuff. Rachel: Checking out checks. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm into girls. What the hell are you doing? Bevin: Did you feel anything? Rachel: No! Bevin: Then you're not into girls! Trust me Rachel, I'm a really good kisser, and you'd totally be into me right now. Skills: It's my shcolarship offer, or not, I mean, I haven't had the courage to open it yet. Haley: Skills, you can't keep this secret. Come on I've got a really good feeling about it open it! Skills: Ok just give me a few minutes though. Haley: Ok. Skills: Won't you tell me your secret? Now we talk. Haley: Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin. Kind of, like I don't fit in to this wolrd. Like I was born at the wrong time, and I don't belong. I just think about my son, and it scares me because I don't ever want him to feel like he doesn't belong. I don't know if my heart could bear that. Skills: Nah, he'll belong. The kid's gonna rock this place. Haley: You think so? Skills: Oh yeah I do. Cause his mom got his back, and if she don't, I do, I promise. Glenda: Ok. Here. Lucas: You're on the pill. Glenda: No I'm not on the pill. Lucas: You have the pill, but you're not on it, that's very secretive. Glenda: When my mom was in high school, she was one of the Pretty and Popular. And I think her greatest dispointment is that I'm not! Sometimes she teases me about it, and not in a fun way like, like why can't I loose some weight, and how I'll never get a boyfriend. Lucas: That sucks. Glenda: Yeah. Anyway, one day I got some flowers from my boyfriend. Lucas: So you have a boyfriend. Glenda: No, I made him up, and I sent the flowers to myself. He was pretty awesome though he sent me all kinds of things. Lucas: Your imaginary boyfriend. Glenda: Anyway, I told my mom we were getting serious, and that maybe I should go on the pill. And in my head I thought it would be this binding experience like, she'd secretly be happy for me, sit me down and coucil me about being safe or just tell me to wait or ... just be my mom. Instead she took me to the doctor, got me the pill, when we left the pharmacy she hanged me the prescription and she said 'I don't know who'd sleep with you but here you are!' Lucas: I'm sorry Glenda. Glenda: It's ok. So I looked at her and I said 'I don't know who'd sleep with you either but here I am!'. And we haven't spoken since, not a word. Lucas: How long has it been? Glenda: Like 8 weeks. She just drives me off to school and picks me up, and we just don't talk. There's just silence, silence and disappointment. Nathan: My mom tried to kill herself. Peyton: What? Nathan: She sucked a bunch of pills. I haven't told anybody. Just Haley. Peyton: Nathan I'm so sorry. Nathan: The worst point about it is when I found out that she might die, there's a moment, there's just a fraction of a second, when I actually, I felt relieved, like maybe it was for the best. You believe that? A kid actually feeling relieved at the thought of loosing his mother? What kind of person does that make me, Peyton, that I can feel that? Peyton: I can't whistle. Nothing. Nathan: That's terrible! How can you not whistle? Peyton: I know okay I'm pathetic. Shelly: I've got a pair of leather pants in my locker that I'd be dying to wear! Mouth: Nice. You should totally rock those. Shelly: I can't. I'm a Clean Teen. Doesn't exactly fit the image. Mouth: Then change the image. Shelly: Mouth before I, took back my virginity, I was kind of... friendly. It just figures, everyone saw me as a slut, and now I am this radical virgin who can't wear a pair of leather pants. Sometimes I just wish they'd see me as a girl, you know, just a girl, nice, cool sometimes, [...]. Mouth: Beautiful. Shelly: So, how do you know about all this media stuff? Mouth: Oh, hum, me and Jimmy... Shelly: Jimmy Edwards? Mouth: He was my friend. I miss him a lot. I have to keep it secret because he killed Lucas' uncle Keith and I loved Keith. But, it doesn't mean I don't miss my friend you know, especially with graduation coming up. Shelly: Sorry. I never told you what I'm afraid of, second question on the list. I'm kind of afraid of being here with you. Mouth: Why? Shelly: Because I'm a Clean Teen, and your hot. Brooke: I'm sorry I lied Chase. It's just you're a Clean Teen, and you're hot, and... Mouth: You were serious about me being decent looking or, are you just trying to make up for the geek comment? Chase: I didn't say decent looking. I said hot. Mouth, I'm a Clean Teen. Mouth: So what? Glenda: So I've been thinking about your manuscript. You need to give it to someone who won't go easy with you, someone who's gonna tell you the truth... Lucas: Someone like you? Glenda: I haven't actually been that truthful, I mean not about school. The truth is I'm gonna miss this place. And it's all my fault. I just wish I would have tried harder, and I just didn't wanna look like an idiot. Lucas: I think everybody feels that way sometimes. You know like people don't see them for who they really are. It's not just you. Glenda: You would have made a great goth you know? A little tortured, a bit of a loaner, but kind. Hey, I have an idea for your picture. Rachel: Thank God, this ridiculous class is almost over. Bevin: I liked it. Rachel: That's because you're too blisfully stupid to resist. Bevin: I know poeple think I'm stupid. But I'm not dumb. I just let you and the other girls have your way because how you need it to be. But I think Carl's right. Pretty soon we're all gonna graduate and, I can start over. But it'll be harder for the people who need this place to make themselves so special. People who use highschool to build themselves up and then find out that the real world doesn't care so much about who you were in high school, people like you. Ok, so, what are we gonna do for our pictures? Mouth: You need to go get those leather pants. Shelly: What? Mouth: For the picture. Also, your need to take off your shirt. Shelly: Wait what? Peyton: Take off your shirt? Nathan: Wow, just like the old days. Peyton: Stop it, I have an idea for your picture, but before you do that, come here. Look the bell is gonna ring soon and I don't know if I'm gonna have the chance to say it so, I'm gonna say it now. You're doing great Nathan. Alright? Just please, put yourself first sometimes. Well now let's see the marchandise! Nathan: Ohhh, fun. Peyton: Let's go, chop, chop, baby! Skills: I want you to open it. Tell me, if it's the factory or college? Haley: Okay, but I want you to know that no matter what this letter says you're gonna find your way to some great things. I know it. Skills: Yeah well if it all means the same, I'd rather find my great things to college. Haley: Well, it looks like you'll be going into that factory, and you're gonna tell your father that you just got a full ride to college. Skills: Girl, that's messed up! I almost doomed my ass off this damn roof! Haley: Ohhh sorry! Brooke: So, how about it? You think one class can change your life? Chase: The way you kiss? Definitely. You still think you're not good enough? Brooke: I don't think that ever goes away, but I think you just have to learn to deal with it, you know, learn to use it. Chase: So let's use it then! Chase: Today I spent an hour with Brooke Davis, and I learnt something. People are all gonna label you. But it's how you overcome those labels. Thats' what matters. Brooke: I spent an hour with Chase Adams. He's a Clean Teen, and that's pretty cool! Peyton: People think they know Nathan Scott. I know I did. But, I discovered something new today. Nathan Scott is a martyr. He's also gonna be a terrific father. Nathan: I spent the class with Peyton Sawyer. It reminded me what a good friend she is. I also learnt that considering recent history, she's not quite ready for the whole picture thing. Mouth: Some of you have met Shelly Simon, Clean Teen, but today, I got to know Shelly Simon, teen. I also asked her to prom. Shelly: An hour ago I called Marvin Mc Fadden nice. He is. But I should have called him dangerous. I also said yes to prom. Rachel: This is one of the best classes I've ever had. A kick-ass fifty minutes during which Bevin told me she always wanted to be a guy. Bevin: I spent the hour with Rachel, and I think she learnt today that I am not an idiot. This is my picture of her. Skills: Over the years I've known Haley James book warm, Haley James sarcastic girl, Haley James Scott rock star and Haley James Scott mother to be. Today I got reaquainted with just Haley, my girl friend. She get heavier too! Haley: Skills has been my friend since really young, and today I remembered why, he's a great listener, he's gonna do awesome in college, and he deserves to be on top of the world. Glenda: Fifty minutes ago, I called Lucas Scott a jock. But I was wrong, he's more than one simple word, I guess we all are. Anyway I learnt that Lucas is actually a lot like me. Who knew? Lucas: I wish I would have hung out with Glenda before today. Something tells me she could have been a great friend. But it's good to know there's still a little time left to do that. - Glenda! Listen would you mind taking a look at this for me? I need someone I can trust to tell me the truth. Glenda: Sure, ok, Lucas Scott. Lucas: Hey, today was awesome, I had a blass with you. See you tomorrow. - And I also learnt her last name. - Hey Mrs Farell. Glenda: Ok, mum, let's go. Lucas: And I learnt that one hour can change everything.

A class assignment reveals the deepest secrets and desires of Lucas and the students at Tree Hill High. Worried about college prospects, Skills turns to Haley, while Nathan wrestles with Deb's suicide attempt. Chase learns that Brooke cheated on her calculus exam, while nudity and drugs run rampant in the halls of the school.

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ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier's on air at KACL and he's running out of time. But Roz still hands him over to his next caller. Frasier: Well, we've got about thirty seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call. [presses button] Hello, Marlene, I'm listening. Marlene: [v.o.] Oh my God, I'm really on? Frasier: Yes, your problem, please... Marlene: [dog barking] Lucky, Lucky, get down. George, get the dog! [Roz points urgently at the clock] Oh my God, this is so exciting! [baby crying] Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son! OK, OK, here it is, Dr. Crane: if my husband and I don't find some time to have s*x soon, I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger. [man calling "Hello!"] Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop! [sighs] I'll call you back. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that s*x with a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice! Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week, so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten, who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns," Oh My! He pushes the off-air button; Roz enters the booth. Roz: I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you. Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here? Frasier: Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport. Roz: Oh well, have a great time. Frasier: Oh, thanks. [hugs Roz] Roz: And don't forget to bring me a present! Frasier: I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg. Roz: You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eeew! Frasier: No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter... Roz: Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade, what are you going to do now? [with wide-eyed innocence] I'm going to Butterworld! Frasier makes a face and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is reading the paper in his Armchair and gets an idea when Daphne comes in with the laundry. Martin: Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you? Daphne: What for? Martin: Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog. You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off. [calling] Eddie! Eddie scampers in. As Daphne watches with amusement, Martin takes a small dish towel and throws it over his head. Daphne: Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is? Martin: [sarcastic] No, the faster he folds it. All right, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie; he did it in seven seconds. [starts timing] All right, come on boy, take it off. [Eddie doesn't move] Six... seven. OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle. [counts off on his watch] OK, so he's no poodle... he's not a beagle either... or a German shepherd... or a Labrador. Oh, for God's sake, Eddie! Daphne: Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right, you'll have him doing it every time we have company. Martin: Hey, I'll bet you're right! [takes the towel off and shakes a finger at Eddie] Nice going, Eddie! The doorbell rings. Daphne opens it to Niles. Daphne: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: I appreciate the false cheer, Daphne. But I'm sure you've seen this? [holds up newspaper] Today's society page? Martin: [covering his ears] Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me! I'm saving it for after dinner! Niles: Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise. Her friends threw her a bon voyage party. Look at the photo. It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face! Niles: I know, you can practically hear the zing zing zing of her heartstrings! Daphne: [sympathetically] Oh, Dr Crane... [goes to the kitchen] Martin: Sorry, Niles. Niles: Oh, it gets worse. This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole. She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts. The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar! Martin: Well, wait a minute, that's good news. If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about any one of them. Niles: You think? Martin: Yeah, sure! They're probably just her escorts. You know how she loves going to parties. Niles: Yes, and she never liked going anywhere alone. Except to bed. Martin: More good news. And Niles, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too. Niles: If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath. Women don't exactly find me irresistible. Martin: Oh, come on, Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends. Niles: Oh, let's count. There's Maris... oh no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica... I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants. Martin: You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still picture yourself as the same geeky kid you were in high school. But you've come a long way since then. And you're not doing yourself any favours sitting home every night. Now just think about it. Niles sinks back in the couch and whines pathetically. Daphne enters from the kitchen with a bottle of wine in hand. Daphne: Wine, Dr. Crane? Niles: Well, wouldn't you? [SCENE_BREAK] HE WAS A BAND LEADER MARRIED TO CHARO Scene Three - Apartment Daphne and Martin are going up in the lift. Eddie is on leash. Martin's a little frustrated after some park trauma. Daphne: Oh, give it up, the man had every right to be proud of his dog. Martin: Well, I just don't like show-offs, OK? [sarcastic] "Ginger, catch the frisbee. Ginger, roll over. Ginger, do my taxes!" Daphne: Just because Eddie's not good at tricks... Martin: The hell he isn't! He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain! Eddie's a thinker! The lift doors open onto their floor. Martin and Daphne step off. Martin: Just watch this. Open the door for him. [Daphne does] Now, I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys. [gives the command] Eddie, get your banana. Eddie stays in the elevator, staring. Martin: Now he's thinking, "which one's the banana?" [still not moving] Now he's thinking, "what the heck did I do with my banana?" The elevator doors slide shut. Daphne: Now he's thinking, "which one's the emergency button?" Martin frantically punches the lift button; the doors open. Martin: Come on! Eddie scampers off, and follows Martin and Daphne into the apartment. Niles is standing in the living room with a glass of wine. Daphne: Oh, Dr Crane! Niles: Hello. I let myself in, I hope that's all right. Martin: Fine. What's up? Niles: Oh, I just stopped by to ask you a question. Are you free Saturday night? Martin: Sure! Niles: [gleefully] Well, I'm not! I have a date! Martin: Oh! Daphne: Oh! Bravo, Dr. Crane! Martin: Good for you! Who is she? Niles: Marjorie Nash, the "Fruit On The Bottom" yogurt heiress. I bumped into her at the Frye museum. Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears. I found myself asking her out. We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the "Snow Ball!" Martin: Good for you! Daphne: What's she like? Niles: Well, she's terribly haughty and rumours persist about her husband's death. But still, a date's a date! Daphne: Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous. Martin: I didn't know you could dance! Niles: Oh, I can't. Martin and Daphne look at him, alarmed. Niles: Oh, dear. You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance... of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm. Oh, this is terrible! My first date's a miserable failure before it even begins. [reaches for his phone] I'll just have to cancel. Daphne: All you need are a few dancing lessons. Why, I'd be happy to give you some. Niles: You would? Daphne: Yeah! Growing up, I used to practise all the time with my brother Billy - the ballroom dancer? Niles: I couldn't prevail upon you like that, it would be too much trouble. [beat] We'll have to move this! He slides the coffee table against the couch. Niles: OK, now push the chair back [shoves ineffectively at it] Or not. Daphne drags it easily out of the way. As they take their positions, Martin settles at the dinner table to watch them. Daphne: Alright, we'll start with the box step. Niles: Box step... Daphne: It's very simple. Take my hand like so, and your other hand goes around my waist. [Niles does] Now, start with your left foot. Niles: OK, which one? Daphne: Oh, hush! Step towards me, then bring your right foot forward-and-over, and slide the left over to meet it. Then the right foot goes back, the left back-and-over, and the right slides next to it. And that's it! All right, once again. A one-two- [he steps on her foot] Oh! Niles: Sorry. Daphne: -three, a two-two-three, a three-two-three, a four-two three... Niles: [struggling and staring at his feet] This is boring yet difficult. Martin: Aw, there's no trick to dancing. It's just a matter of coordination. Hell, if you can ride a bike, or skip rope, or kick a ball, you can certainly... He pauses, looks at Niles, gets up and leaves. Niles rolls his eyes. Daphne: Alright, once again. A one-two-[he steps on her foot again] Oh!-three... The scene FADES OUT... Scene Four - Apartment ...and fades back in later on in the evening. "Isn't It Romantic," is playing on the stereo and Niles and Daphne are dancing a slow waltz, with his head resting on her shoulder. Niles seems to have gotten the hang of it. Daphne: You're really doing very well, Dr. Crane. Earlier you seemed a bit tense. You've really relaxed now though, haven't you? Cut to Niles's face: he's in a dream world of his own. Martin comes in. Martin: Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp. The music ends, and Niles finishes by giving Daphne a graceful twirl. Daphne: Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba. [to Eddie] Eddie, fetch me a samba tape. Xavier Cougat. [Eddie just stares] Now he's thinking, "the later Hollywood stuff, or the early New York recordings?" [Niles and Daphne laugh] Martin: Now guess what I'm thinking. Daphne: I'll get it myself. [runs off to her room] Martin: [moving off] Well, I'm going to hit the hay. Niles: [in a rhythm, he acts out his verbs] Good-night -- bend-and- turn - see-you-in-the-morning - spin-and-dip -- [cell phone rings] there's-my-phone -- flip-and-push - Niles-Crane. [loses rhythm into the phone:] Oh, Marjorie. How are you? Oh, what a shame. Well, er, no no it's alright, there'll be other dances. No, no, I understand completely. Take care. [flips his phone shut] Guess I won't be needing those dancing lessons. Martin: [sympathetically] I guess not. I'm sorry, son. Martin leaves for his room, Daphne comes running back in with a tape. Daphne: I couldn't find any Cougie, but this'll do! She pops the tape into the stereo. A fast Latin beat plays. Daphne: Alright now, in the samba you have to hold me a little closer. You ready? She grabs his hand and starts moving back and forth against him, as if it were almost sexual. Niles: Daphne, there's one thing I wanted to mention... Daphne: Yeah? [dancing more against him] Niles: [entranced] I'm a dancer, a dancer dances! He sways with her with gusto. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO WHERE ELSE WOULD CORONERS GET TOGETHER? Scene Five - Cafe Nervosa Niles is at a table, Martin & Daphne come towards him. Daphne and Niles greet each other with their "pet" names. Daphne: Here's my dancing partner. Hello, Fred! Niles: Hello, Ginger! Daphne: [to Martin] It's a little joke we have! Niles: Look Daphne, I got two new CDs today. Tonight we master the mambo and the conga. I can feel myself growing a pencil-thin moustache just saying that. Martin: You're having more lessons tonight? Daphne: Oh, yes! He's going to be the best dancer at the ball. I'll just go get us some coffees. She goes to the counter. Martin crosses his arms. Martin: Why didn't you tell her your date had cancelled? You don't need more lessons. Niles: I wanted to, but she's just having so much fun! Martin: Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne? Niles: What are you implying? Martin: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it, you're sticking a fork in the toaster here. Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck! Besides, what's the harm in a few dance lessons? Martin: It's nighttime. You're alone. The music's on. You've got your arms around her. You'll end up saying something you can't take back. Niles: I have no intention of saying anything. Martin: No one ever does. Take my word for it. When I was separated from your mother, there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. So whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "OK boys, I'll take it from here!" So one night, I invited her down to the corner bar. Niles: Coroners have their own bars? Martin: [exasperated] No, corner, Niles, the corner bar! Anyway, we had a few drinks, the lights were low, Sinatra on the jukebox. Before I knew it, it just all came pouring out of me. I told her how I felt. I mean, I knew the second it was out of my mouth that it was a mistake. She let me down easy but we still had to go on seeing each other all the time. It sure was no fun going to the morgue after that! This story seems to have the right effect on Niles. Daphne returns to the table with coffees in hand. Daphne: So, what time are we starting your lessons tonight, Dr. Crane? Niles: Actually, that won't be necessary. I just got a call from Marjorie. Something's come up. I won't be going to the ball. Daphne: Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Niles: It's quite all right, and thank you for all your help. [Martin puts a comforting arm on his shoulder] Daphne: [thoughtfully] It seems such a shame to waste all that hard work... I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but what would you say about our going to the dance together? Martin: Now, now, he's already taken up too much of your time, Daphne, he couldn't ask you to do that. Daphne: No, but it would be as much fun for me as it would be for him! I'd love an elegant evening out! What do you say, Dr. Crane? Martin: [sure Niles will say no] Tell her what you say, Dr. Crane. Niles: Pick you up at seven? Daphne: [excitedly] Ooh, yes! [claps her hands] Great! Niles looks decidedly contented whilst Martin is appalled. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Frasier's Apartment A few nights later, Eddie comes bounding in, handing Martin one of his chew toys. Martin: No, Eddie that's not your banana, that's Mr. Pig. Listen to the difference: pig, banana! Pig, banana! Pig, banana! [Eddie shows no reaction] Ah, I still love you, you little pinhead. Go sit down. The door opens: Frasier is back from his vacation. Martin: Oh Frasier, am I glad you're back! Listen, all sorts of.... Frasier: Dad, please, please! I have just spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick. I am technically still on vacation till ten a.m. tomorrow. Martin: Yeah, but listen... Frasier: [waving off Martin's protests] Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise, or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through, or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman! Martin: But you don't understand... Frasier: Dad, please! For all intents and purposes, I am not here. The doorbell rings. Daphne rushes out of her room in a ravishing red evening gown. Daphne: [excitedly] That'll be my date! Ooh, I'm so excited, this is me first ball! Oh, I hope he likes my dress... Frasier: Daphne? Daphne: [rushing by Frasier] Hello, Dr. Crane, welcome back! She opens the door to Niles, dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a red rose. Daphne: Hello! Niles: [captivated] Wow! Daphne: Ohhh, [giggles] you! [takes the rose] Frasier: [mystified] Niles? Niles: Oh, Frasier, you're back! [to Daphne] Well, our carriage awaits. Martin: And you'd better get her home at a decent hour, I'm gonna be waiting up for you! Daphne: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Crane! The two leave. Frasier: [dumbstruck] What the hell was that? Martin: [looking around curiously] Eddie, did you hear sumpin'? [heads off towards the kitchen] Can't be Frasier, he's still on vacation! Frasier: [following Martin doggedly] Dad, what was that? Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date? Dad! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - Ballroom And so, Niles and Daphne, arrive at the elegant "Snow Ball." Soft romantic music is being played by the orchestra as the Beautiful couple enter. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, it's so beautiful! Niles: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles? Daphne: You know, when I was at school I knew a boy named Niles. I called him Niley. Niles: [pause] Just for tonight, could you call me Niles? He steers her toward an empty table. Niles: You're a vision... everyone's staring at you! Daphne: Well, you look awfully handsome yourself... Niles. [sniggers] He sits her at a table. Niles: Would you like some champagne? Daphne: Oh, that would be lovely. Niles: Be back in a moment. He goes to the bar. A haughty woman, Lacey, and her husband, Andrew, are standing there. Niles: Two champagnes, tout de suite. Lacey: Niles, dear! How are you! Niles: Just fine, thanks. Lacey: Andrew, say hello to Niles. Andrew: Haven't seen you for ages. Feel just terrible about you and Maris. Lacey: Oh yes, we were just devastated. Positively everyone's talking about it. Niles: Oh, and how is positively everyone? Daphne comes up behind Niles and listens to the conversation. Lacey: Devastated. We were just saying that to Maris, when we ran into her and Bradley Paxton at the Breever's Cup. Andrew: No, she was with Calvin Oldi at the Breever's Cup. Lacey: Well, it's so hard to keep track anyway. [laughs] Niles, if there's anything we can do to cheer you up? Just let us know... She leaves with Andrew. Niles: [muttering to himself] Perhaps a murder-suicide pact. Daphne: [takes their champagnes from the bartender] Well, they weren't very nice! Niles: Well, everyone in our set seems to have this idea that while Maris is out living the high life, I'm sitting at home, crushed and lonely. Daphne: Yeah, well, never mind those gossipy twits. Tonight, you're all mine. [puts the glasses on the table and opens her arms] Now take me in your arms, Niles, and let the music carry us away... She leads him out onto the dance floor and just as they assume the right position, the conductor turns around. Conductor: Thank you, we'll be back in ten minutes. Sheepish, Daphne and Niles join in the light applause. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Eight Ten minutes' later: Niles & Daphne are waltzing together. As the music ends, he dips her. Daphne: [laughing] I can't remember when I've had a better time. I'm on Cloud Nine! Niles: I'd have to look down to see Cloud Nine! [leads her back to the table] Daphne, I must tell you again, that is an exquisite gown. Daphne: Oh, thanks! It was way out of my price range, but did you ever see something and say, "I just have to have it?" Niles cannot help but gaze longingly at her. Then, out of breath, he starts to sit down. Niles: Where's my chair? The orchestra begins a tango just as Niles sinks into his chair thankfully. Daphne: [gasps] A tango! [stands and grabs his hand] Niles: Oh, you never taught me a tango! Daphne: Oh, you'll love it! It's perfect for you! This is a passionate, full-blooded dance that rose up from the slums of Buenos Aires. Niles: Well, the parallels between me and an unemployed gaucho aside, I think we probably should just sit this one out. Daphne: Oh, nonsense! There's only one rule in the tango: our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us. [she presses her body close to his] Niles: [overwhelmed] I can do that. She starts to lead him onto the floor, but he hesitates. Daphne: Stop! Don't be afraid! Daphne won't let anything happen to you. Niles: I don't think- Daphne: [grabs his face] Don't think! Just feel. [holds his lapels and seductively pulls him forward] You're an Argentine slum- dweller. You have no house, no car, you don't know where your next meal is coming from. But none of that matters. Because tonight... [they join hands and cast their eyes toward some imaginary moon] we have the tango! Niles: [dips her; in an Argentine accent] Oh mama, I've got it all! They proceed to cross the dance floor in an eye-catching tango step. The conductor notices them and smiles. Daphne: That's it! You're dazzling! You're brilliant! But I feel you're holding back! Niles: I am. Daphne: Oh, this is no time for inhibitions! Niles: I know. Daphne: Oh. let it out Niles. Let everything out! Niles: [passionately] Oh Daphne, I adore you! He spins around so he can't see her and slaps a hand to his mouth in shock. Oops. He spins back around to face her. Daphne: [eyes closed in rapture] I adore you too! Niles: What?!?!? Daphne: I adore you too. Niles: [thrilled] Oh, how I've longed to hear those words! Daphne: Oh, how I've longed to say them! Niles: You're beautiful! You're a goddess! Daphne: I don't ever want this moment to end! Niles: Then let's not let it! By now everyone is watching them and the music is nearing its end. He spins her back and forth across the floor, a passionate whirlwind. He spins her again, and this time she throws her bare leg up on his shoulder. Angle on Andrew and Lacey's table: Andrew is openly gawping at Daphne, while an upstaged Lacey does her best to look indifferent. The music swells to a crescendo, Daphne slides down to position herself next to Niles's thighs, and Niles grips his own lapels like a knight- errant. The music ends. Applause. He pulls her to her feet. Niles: This is the most glorious night of my life. Daphne: Oh, mine too... They kiss, tenderly and strongly. [N.B. Niles and Daphne will not kiss for another four years, at the end of Season Seven.] As they break apart, Niles gives a sly look to Lacey & Andrew as if to say "Ha! I bet Maris hasn't done this!" He leads her back to the table. Daphne is now constantly throwing glances over her shoulder. They sit, and Niles caresses her hand. Niles: Oh, Daphne! I'm a new man! Do you have any idea what I'm feeling? Daphne: Of course I do! Your friends look positively dumbstruck. From now on there'll be no more of that "oh poor Niles" attitude... Niles: Far from it! He kisses her hand reverently; she looks over her shoulder then turns back to him. Daphne: I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor! Niles: [shocked] Actor? Daphne: Yeah! "Daphne, you're a goddess, Daphne, I adore you..." We fooled everyone, didn't we? Niles: [heartbroken] Oh...oh. We certainly did, didn't we? [lets go of her hand] Daphne: I'm surprised it was so easy! Niles: Well, given the right circumstances, anyone can be fooled. The music starts again. Daphne: Ooh! What do you say to another dance? Niles: No thanks, it's getting late and I've danced enough. Daphne: Alright, then! I'll just go powder my nose and then we'll be off. She leaves; Niles sinks down into his chair, dejected. A blonde woman who has been watching Niles comes over. Claire: Niles? [he turns] No, no, please. Claire Barnes? I was an associate in your attorney's office. Niles: Oh, yes, Claire. Uh, it's good to see you again. Claire: Well, I heard about you and Maris. And I just wanted to give you my card and tell you you're free to call me anytime. Niles: [taking it] Oh, thank you, but I'm happy with my attorney. Claire: I meant to go dancing. Niles looks up, surprised. She nods and gives him a warm, come-hither smile. As she moves off, Daphne comes back. Daphne: Well, are you ready? Niles: [looking at the card] No, I don't think I am. [drops it on the table] Daphne: I beg your pardon? Niles: Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go. She takes his arm, and they start to leave the room. Daphne: Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we? Niles: [laughing wryly] We certainly did. Daphne: And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things. Niles: [pauses and removes Daphne's arm from his] Excuse me. Turning back to the table, he picks up the card, puts it in his jacket pocket, returns to Daphne's side and offers his arm. He smiles. Niles: I'm ready now. They leave. The music swells up again, as Miss "Cinderella" Moon and Mr. "Handsome Prince" Crane gracefully exit the ball room along with an experience to last for a life time: "Moon Dance" END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is showing Eddie a placard with a sketch of a banana with the word BANANA scrawled across the bottom. Eddie runs offscreen, and returns with a banana. Martin looks very proud and congratulates Eddie. The camera wides, revealing that the entire living room is littered with nothing but bananas.

Niles is scanning the society page when he sees a picture of Maris with another man. He plans to take an heiress on a date at a society event, the Snow Ball. He then realizes that he cannot dance but Daphne then offers to teach him. His date cancels, prompting Daphne to suggest that she go with him to the Ball. At the ball, Niles and Daphne dance, to show everyone there that he is not mourning his divorce. As they dance a tango, Niles declares that he adores Daphne, and she reciprocates. When the dance is over, Niles realizes that Daphne thought that he was just acting to try to impress everyone in the room. An attractive former associate of Niles' walks up to him, giving him a card and telling him that if he would ever like to take her dancing, all he need do is call. At first, Niles decides not to accept her proposal, but as he leaves with Daphne, he turns around and takes the card with him.

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[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, who's in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.] Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!! Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over. Ross: No, but come on, we're off to a great start aren't we? I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record! (Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.) Phoebe: Oh you made it! Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.) Monica: How are you doing? Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here? Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk? Ross: N... No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs! (Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.) Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey! You made it! Ross: Okay is there...some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?! Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I'm gonna go have a baby. Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We-we called from the car. Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute... Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I'm sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room. Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can't guarantee a private room and currently they're all unavailable. Chandler: Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.) Nurse: I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have. Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.) Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Give her some money. Ross: I really think they're out of rooms. Rachel: They're not!! Ross, they're just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?! Ross: Well then we'd be in a lot of trouble, you don't know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm... Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up? Nurse: This is a hospital. Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Y'know what? I'd have to say I really don't care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to-Whoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa! Ross: What-what? Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.) Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room? Rachel: Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look. Opening Credits [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.] Dr. Long: Well you're only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It'll be a while. Rachel: Oh, okay. Dr. Long: I'll be back in an hour to check you again. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill. Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (He's looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before. Rachel: Yeah well it looks great! (A nurse shows another couple into the room.) Man: Thank you very much. Woman: Thanks. (They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.) Ross: Hi! Hi, I'm uh Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you. Man: Oh no-no, not at all. Woman: Don't worry about it. Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie. Ross: Hi Julie. Julie: Hi. Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.) Rachel: Hi! Marc: Oh hi Rachel. Rachel: How are you? Julie: Hi. Is this your first? Rachel: Yeah it is. Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler. Rachel: That's so sweet. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Oh. Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy. Marc: No nonsense! We're all in this together. Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we're gonna have some fun. Marc: Yeah. Ross: Oh, okay. Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.) Rachel: Oh no, I really don't want any-(He takes the picture)-Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross... Ross: What? Rachel: Here comes another contraction. Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe. Julie: Oh honey, I think I'm having one too! (During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out they're having a contraction at the same time.) Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go! [Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is lounging around.] Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest. Monica: Hey, you wanna see something? Phoebe: Sure! What? Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey? Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Listen uh, I-I've been doing some thinking, and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby. Chandler: Okay. Monica: (freaking out) What-what-what's that now?! Chandler: Okay. I've been thinking about it too, and I, I think we're ready. Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we're ready to have a baby now?! Phoebe: Oh, this is fun. Joey: You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up! Chandler: But you said you were ready too. Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now! Chandler: Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid like forever? Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) 'Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father. Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?! Monica: That's it! Right there! Is all I wanted! [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachel's hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.] Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam. Rachel: Oh, that's very-Really very-very okay. Marc: Julie's cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that's about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself. Julie: Have you felt Rachel's cervix Ross? Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I don't think we'll be doing that. Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) We're not gonna do that. Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel's and then feel mine to compare. Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting? Ross: Uh yes! Thank you. Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no. Ross: Later. Rachel: No-no-don't! Don't leave me here with these people. Ross: Oh uh, I'm sorry. (Runs out.) Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father! [Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.] Ross: Hi! I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while. I-I wished you'd called first. Mrs. Geller: Oh that's all right, I'm coming back later with your father. Ross: Oh good. Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth. Ross: Okay, what's up? Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.) Ross: Ma, you're asking me to marry you? Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel. Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you. Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out! Ross: N-no! Okay? We've been through this! We're not gonna get married just because she's pregnant, okay? Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family. Ross: Mom, y'know what? I-I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry... Mrs. Geller: Just...think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping. Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.) Rachel: Hi! Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear! Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here! (Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.) [Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to the gang what happened with his mother.] Ross: ...she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm not with Rachel. Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why aren't you with Rachel? Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we're not gonna be together just because we're having a baby. Okay? Phoebe: But y'know what? It just seems that you two belong together. Ross: Okay, stop it! I can't deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby. Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.) Joey: God. He's crazy! Why doesn't he want to be with Rachel? Phoebe: I know! Joey: I mean seriously, she's like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn't and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and... (Realizes everyone is staring.) I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while have I? [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is returning to find another couple has taken the place of Marc and Julie.] Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Who's that? Rachel: New people. Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons? Rachel: They're having their baby! It's not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away. Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people? Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick b*st*rd. Oh God oh! Contraction! Ross: Yeah? Okay. Rachel: Ooh! Ow!! Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?! Sick b*st*rd: No! Evil Bitch: Don't you look at her you sick b*st*rd! Sick b*st*rd: Honey I swear! I wasn't looking at her! Evil Bitch: She's in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch! Ross: Umm. Umm, I'm-I'm just gonna-(Closes the privacy screen.) Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert! Ross: No-no, I'm...I'm sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.) Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend? Ross: Just ignore them. (Sick b*st*rd sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.) Rachel: Ross. Ross: What? What? Rachel: He's looking at me. Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?! Evil Bitch: Don't you talk to my husband like that you stupid b*st*rd! (Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick b*st*rd closes the screen all the way.) [Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking at the babies as Monica walks up.] Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it! (The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.) Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies? Chandler: I'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us. Monica: What? Chandler: Look, we've always talked about having babies someday. I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good. We're really good. Monica: We are pretty good. Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready. Monica: Well maybe I'm ready now. I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right. Chandler: What?! It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!! Monica: What?!! Chandler: I'm kidding. This is going to be fun. Monica: So we're gonna try? I mean, are we trying? Chandler: We're trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Y'know I'm not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying? Monica: Okay, hold on a sec. Chandler: Period math? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now. Chandler: Right here? Monica: No, not here. Maybe here. Chandler: Wait a minute, it's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we're in a building that's full of beds! Monica: And it's so clean!! (They run off in search of a bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.] Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on! Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money? Joey: (looking at her) No. Phoebe: All right, I'll see you downstairs then. Joey: All right. Phoebe: All right. Joey: Hey I got one! I got one! [Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg extended.] Man: Hi! Phoebe: Hi. Man: Oh uh, up or down? Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but can't.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.) Man: Could you press up too please? Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too. Man: Oh yeah? How'd yours happen? Phoebe: Well, it's a long story. It's kind of embarrassing. Let's just say there was a typographical error with a s*x manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you? Man: Car accident. Phoebe: Oh. Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn't paying attention? Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, that's me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it you're just visiting someone. Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah. Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y'know and maybe you might want to visit someone else... Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that. Man: I'm in the middle... (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.) Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No! Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.) [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick b*st*rd are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.] Ross: The nurse said they're bringing in another woman. Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn't need to be; she'll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.) Ross: That's it. That's it. (The next couple enters.) Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one. Rachel: Yeah it was. Woman: Mine haven't been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one! (Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.) [Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.] Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he's like early to mid-thirties, very attractive. Nurse: I think I know who you're talking about. Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in? Nurse: I'm sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff... Joey: (walks up) Uh, she's with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray. Nurse: Dr. Drake who? Joey: Remoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information; I'm a doctor. Nurse: A doctor at this hospital? Joey: Damnit woman we're losing precious time! Now do you want this man's blood on your head? Phoebe: Hands. Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He's a patient of mine, I've been treating him for years! Nurse: He's in room 816. Joey: 816, thank you! Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.) (Joey starts to leave, but stops.) Joey: And what is his name? Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.) [Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.] Monica: I think we found a place. Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.) Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little? Chandler: Okay. Uh, we'll dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds it's not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.) Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay. (He hops onto the bed and they start making out.) Monica: Okay. Let's hurry-Oh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.) Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine. [Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are approaching.] Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, that's him! That's him! Joey: Great! Go get him. Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first. Joey: (looks in the window) He's not really my type. Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what's he like. People tell doctors everything. Joey: But you said he was this great guy! Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks. Joey: You do attract some stinkers. [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long is checking on Rachel again.] Rachel: Dr. Long, I've been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine? Dr. Long: Three. Ross: Just three?! I'm dilated three! Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Don't worry, you're doing great. I'll be back soon. (Exits.) Rachel: Hey, y'know what? I'm not waiting! I'm gonna push this baby out! I'm doing it! I mean it's what? Three centimeters? That's gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.) Ross: Actually it's more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.) Rachel: Oh stupid metric system! (Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.) Doctor: Oh my. We're gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room. Rachel: Oh for the love of God! Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) It's coming! It's coming! Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.) Rachel: Oh come on!! [Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is entering.] Joey: Hi! I'm Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you. Man: Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells. Joey: I know, but I'm a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me. Man: Dr. Wells is a woman. Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name. Man: Clifford Burnett. Joey: Date of birth? Cliff: November 16th, 1968. Joey: Age? Cliff: Can't you figure that out based on my date of birth? Joey: I'm a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician. Cliff: I'm 33. Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married. Cliff: No. Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues? Cliff: Are all the questions this personal? Joey: (checking the list) Yes. Cliff: Well uh if you must know I'm a widower. Joey: Oh that's terrible. I'm-I'm really sorry. Cliff: Yeah. Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again? Cliff: No. Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y'know, sexually? Cliff: No! Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.) [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, they're brining in yet another woman.] Nurse: (calling to the woman) This room's available. Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) he's a lawyer! Ross: Uh Rach... Rachel: Go get back on that case honey! Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along. Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in. (Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.) Woman: OH....MY....GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, it's Janice.) (Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued from earlier.] Janice: I....can't....believe this! Ross: And yet somehow it's true! Janice: I mean this is so great! We're gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.) Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears! Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie! Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don't think you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.) Sid: I still can't believe it! I'm the luckiest guy in the world! Ross: (softly) Really? Sid: (To Janice) What'd he say? Janice: Oh y'know what? You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid, because he's almost completely deaf. Rachel: Oh! Ross: Oh there you go! Rachel: I get it! Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn't even know you got married. Rachel: Oh we-we didn't. Ross: No-no. We... Janice: What?! Ross: Um uh...We're-we're just having this baby together but uh, uh that's all. Janice: Why?!! Ross: Uh well umm...we're just not in that place, y'know? But we're very excited about this. Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.) Rachel: Just tell me how. Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.) Ross: Sid you lucky deaf b*st*rd. [Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing Phoebe on Cliff.] Phoebe: What else? What else? Joey: Uh, well he's 33. Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh. Joey: A widower. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he's not into anything weird sexually. Phoebe: Enter Pheebs. [Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter and start making out.] Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there's an empty private room right next door to hers? Monica: We could, or we can have s*x in it. Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants! (They start making out again.) Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister! Fertilize me! (Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.) Monica: Does that sound like Janice? Chandler: If it's not, then there's two of them. And that would mean it's the end of the world! [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.] Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hi. Rachel: Oh hi. Monica: I can't believe this is taking so long. How are you doing? Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you're trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass? Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear-(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)-Mother of God it's true! Janice: Chandler Bing! Chandler: Jan-Janice! Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything. Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler. Chandler: Janice I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human who's essence you've stolen? Janice: It's you. This is yours. Chandler: What?! Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven't slept together in years! (Laughs again.) Chandler: That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt? [Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.] Phoebe: Okay I've got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla? Cliff: I'd have to say...the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you're making me eat him. Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff gets uncomfortable) What is it? I'm sorry. (She moves her arm, which was resting on the same pillow his leg is.) Cliff: No, I'm sorry. It's just my foot itches like crazy. Phoebe: Oh, I'll get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.) Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me. Phoebe: Relax, it's not like we're forking. [Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.] Rachel: Oh that's five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn't she want to come out? Ross: Y'know what I think it is? I think you've made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn't want to leave. Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long enters.) Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you're a hero. Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out. Dr. Long: Actually, I think you're ready to go to the delivery room. Rachel: What? Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you're about to become a mom. Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating some pudding with spoons.] Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? (Smells it.) Phoebe: Y'know what? This one is. (Eats another spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on TV.) Cliff: Oh my God! That's the doctor who was in my room before! Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet. Cliff: I'm telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions! Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room? Joey: (entering) Rachel's having her baby!! (Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no interest to me, I'm a neurologist. Cliff: That-that's him! You know him? Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I-Okay umm...this...I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y'know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I'm coming off right now. Cliff: I don't believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor? Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV screen.) Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy. Phoebe: You're right, that was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over? Cliff: I don't think so. Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother's triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do p0rn! Phoebe: Uh Joey, we're trying to dial down the crazy. Joey: Right! Phoebe: Umm, look we don't, we don't really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don't know about you but that doesn't happen to me a lot. Cliff: It doesn't happen to me either. Joey: Me neither. [Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally giving birth.] Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5...4... Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!! Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds. Rachel: I can't. I can't push anymore, I can't. Ross: Sweetie you're doing great. Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!! Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something. Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my God! Rachel: Don't say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what? Ross: What is that? Dr. Long: It's the baby's buttock, she's breech. Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads. Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay? Dr. Long: She's gonna be fine. Okay, she's in a more difficult position so you're gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push! Ross: Go! Dr. Long: Rachel you're gonna have to push even harder, nothing's happening! Rachel: I'm sorry, I can't! Ross: Yes you can! Rachel: I can't! Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let's go! Rachel: I can't. Please, you do it for me. Ross: No! Come on let's-One more time! One final push! Ready? 1...2...3! (Rachel pushes so hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and knocking him down.) Dr. Long: Good! Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing! Rachel: Are you okay? Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going! Dr. Long: Here we go! Ross: Oh! Oh! She's upside down but she's coming! She's coming! Rachel: Oh God! Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she's here. (The newest friend cries.) Ross: Oh she's...she's perfect. Rachel: Oh, she's so tiny. (Starts crying) Where'd she go? Ross: Oh it's okay. They're just-they're just wrapping her up. Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she's really tiny. Dr. Long: Here she is! (Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.) Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi! I know you. Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet? Rachel: No, not yet. Dr. Long: That's fine, for now we'll just call her Baby Girl Green. Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green. (Ross and Rachel look into each other's eyes and kiss.) Rachel: Hello baby girl. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.] Phoebe: Can we come in? Ross: Oh, come in. Phoebe: Hi! Joey: There she is! Phoebe: Oh, she's so beautiful. Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.) Monica: Oh my God! She's amazing. Oh, oh I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had s*x! Chandler: It's incredible, I mean one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later here she is. Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The gang looks at him.) Y'know what I mean! She's this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and...uh-oh. Rachel: What? Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we're good. Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! You're so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I won't. (Rachel starts crying again.) Monica: What's the matter? Rachel: Oh nothing I... Sorry, I just can't stop crying. Ross: The doctor says it's completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you're sleep deprived. Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry harder.) Joey: What's the matter now? Rachel: I was reliving it. Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.) Chandler: So, do you know what you're gonna call her yet? Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it's not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original! Ross: Uh actually, we-we've narrowed it down to two names. Rachel: Yeah, and y'know what? I love them both, so why don't you just pick one and that'll be it. Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh...everyone...this...is Isabella. (Rachel starts crying.) What? Rachel: That's not her name! I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel like an Isabella. Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out. Joey: What was the other one Ross? Ross: Umm, Delilah. Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore. Ross: So I guess we're back to uh, Baby Girl. Phoebe: Yay! Rachel: Well what are we going to do? Monica: It's okay honey, you'll find a name. Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be. Chandler: You do? Monica: Yeah, I've had them picked out since I was fourteen. Chandler: Oh no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn't it? Rachel: Well tell us! What are they? Monica: Umm, okay. If it's a boy it's Daniel. Rachel: And if it's a girl? Monica: I don't want to say. Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We're not gonna want it! Monica: Okay. It's Emma. Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and starts to cry.) See? I don't want it. Monica: Take it. Rachel: What? Monica: It's clearly an Emma. Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name. Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y'know, nothing goes with Bing. So I'm screwed. I mean... (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that's you. You're our little Em. Oh what's that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?! [Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler are emerging slowly.] Chandler: That was amazing. Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby. Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket. [Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.] Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride. Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he? Janice: He's a keeper. How are you feeling? Rachel: Oh, I'm fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits down.) Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone. Rachel: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross. Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married? Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it's Ross! Janice: I'm telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they're gonna be there until they start their real family. Rachel: Well I-That's never gonna happen with Ross. Janice: Oh well that's what I thought about my first husband, now I'm lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs. Rachel: Really? Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own. Rachel: Well... That's...y'know-That's-We've been alone for the last twenty minutes we're doing okay. Besides y'know what? I-I-Maybe we won't be alone, 'cause lately I-I-things have been happening between me and Ross, y'know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y'know? So it might be the...the beginning of something. Ross: (entering) Hey Janice! Janice: Oh hi! Ross: Who's this little guy? (Gasps when he sees Aaron.) Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law. Ross: No-no. No. Janice: I'm gonna leave the three of you alone. Ross: Okay. Janice: Bye. (Exits.) Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose? Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets in on a chair.) Y'know what I was, I was thinking about? Ross: Huh? Rachel: Umm...that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh? Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we...we gotta be careful. We...we can't let that happen again, y'know? Rachel: (pause) Right. Ross: I mean we don't want to go down that road do we? Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That's why I brought it up. (Pause) They didn't have any sodas? Ross: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot. Rachel: That's all right. (He goes to get her a soda.) And so it begins. [Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at Emma as Phoebe walks up.] Phoebe: Is she in there? Ross: Yeah. She's putting her down now, that's her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.) Phoebe: Oh! Ross: Look at Emma! Phoebe: I just can't decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel? Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She's gorgeous, it's all Rachel. (Pause) Phoebe: I'm sorry, for the last time, why aren't you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because you're not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are. Ross: It's...it's complicated okay? Phoebe: Yeah that's true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer. Ross: Look, we've been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. (Pause) It's just if-if we got together again and it didn't work out...I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything-(Starts to cry.) Oh that's...now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we're doing really, we're doing really well right now. Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it. Ross: Yeah, exactly. Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get everything you've wanted since you were fifteen. [Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices she's wiping her eyes.) What's the matter? Rachel: Nothing. Joey: What is it? Hey! Rachel: Really it's nothing. I'm just... Joey: Rach come on, what? Rachel: I've just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone. Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross? Rachel: Oh please, he'll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs. Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman? Rachel: I'm just saying that y'know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and...he's gonna have his own life. Right? Joey: Yeah, I guess so. Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh? Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me...you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that's not gonna happen. Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you? (They hug.) Joey: You don't have to worry about that okay? (Pause) Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They're right on that chair under Ross's coat. Joey: Sure. Rachel: Okay. (He moves Ross's coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring.) Joey: My God. Rachel: Joey. (He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.) Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay. (Joey is stunned.) [Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachel's room.] [Fade to black.] Closing Credits

Ross and Rachel arrive at the hospital. Judy Geller gives Ross her mother's engagement ring to propose to Rachel with. Monica and Chandler decide to have a baby. After twenty one hours of labor, Rachel has her and Ross' baby, Emma, as "River Of Tears" by Eric Clapton plays in the background. Joey finds Ross' engagement ring. Rachel thinks he's proposing and says "Okay". Monica and Chandler try for a baby in the hospital.

fd_Scandal_01x06

fd_Scandal_01x06_0

OLIVIA POPE's APARTMENT Olivia: Why are you here? You can't be here. Fitz: I didn't kill Amanda Tanner. Olivia: I know. Her baby it wasn't yours. But it could have been. Fitz: Really? You really want me to detail for you how and where and in what positions Amanda Tanner and I had s*x? Would that help make you feel better? 'Cause I'll do it. Olivia: No. Fitz: You left me. I was unhappy. She was there. One time. I-- I made a mistake. Olivia: I don't want to talk about it. You cheated on your mistress with your girlfriend. Let's just leave it at that. Fitz: She wasn't my girlfriend. Don't you ever call yourself a mistress. We both know better. Olivia: Why are you here? Fitz: Cyrus got this in the mail a week ago. It's a s*x tape. I'm on it. I need you to hear it. Olivia: I definitely don't want to hear you and Amanda Tanner having s*x. Fitz: Olivia. I need you to listen to this. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Fitz: Well, there's no way to sugarcoat it. We got our ass handed to us by Sally Langston in Iowa last night. So, anyone have any great ideas? Anyone? Jeannine: We have to swing farther right. We haven't said a thing about gay marriage, school prayer- Fitz: Oh, come on. It's not our stances on the issues. We are not getting our message out there. People don't know where I stand. The problem is-- Olivia: Your marriage. It looks like you don't screw your wife Which would be fine, except that family values matter to Republicans. It's why they vote for who they vote for. And since Sally's got Jesus firmly on her side, that just leaves family. Marriage. And yours, whatever the truth may be from the outside, it looks cold, distant, dead. Where is your wife, by the way? People want to like who they're voting for. Voters thought Al Gore was a big stiff until he stuck his tongue down Tipper's throat. They put George W. in office because he and Laura seemed like a fun couple to have a beer with. People have to want to invite you in for dinner; and right now, you and your wife are standing in their doorway, not looking at each other, letting in the cold air. That's why you lost Iowa. It's why you'll lose New Hampshire. Fitz: And you are? Olivia: Olivia. Pope. Fitz: Fire her. Cyrus: Ah, she's great, right? A pistol. Lives for her work, a political nun, best student I ever had. Fitz: Fire her. Cyrus: 'Cause she said what every staffer on your campaign was afraid to say? Fitz: Just get rid of her. Olivia: I'll charge my hotel room to the campaign. Don't worry. I haven't had a chance to raid the hotel minibar. Liv best of luck, Governor. Cyrus: Let's be clear about something. I run a sausage factory. Fitz: Which makes me ... sausage? Cyrus: Handsome, highly qualified, smart, idealistic, and energetic sausage. The stump, the electrifying speeches, the baby kissing that's all you. The nitty-gritty, morally bankrupt, back-alley-brawling rest of the game, that's me. It's filthy and thankless, and it's my hallelujah, heroin, and reason to breathe. And you, you don't have half the stomach for it, so you go and you make nice with Olivia Pope. Get her back, or you can find another sausage maker. Fitz: Ms.Pope? Ms. Pope, wait. I, I apologize for firing you. Olivia: Why? Fitz: Why do I apologize? Olivia: Why did you fire me? I had a job, a paying job, from which I took a leave of absence to do a favor for my friend Cyrus because I am good. I am brilliant. I would eat, breathe, and live Fitzgerald Grant every minute of every day. You would be lucky to have me. Just because you don't like hearing the truth about yourself- Fitz: I loved hearing what you had to say. I agree with every word. Very astute. And you're right. I would be lucky to have you. Look ... Olivia: This is why you fired me ... Fitz: Can we just...? Olivia: Go back in there and work. Fitz: Okay. Olivia: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PANCAKE BREAKFAST / OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Fitz: Oh, it's perfect to meet you. Yeah, thank you for having us. How are you, Sally? Hi. Olivia: Put down the butter. Abby: I don't know what you're talking about. Olivia: I can hear my mixer again, Abby. Butter won't fix it. Abby: So are you a rabid Republican yet? Hello? Liv? Olivia: He's got ... something I can work with. Abby: Go to it then. You don't have to check on me every day. I'm not deranged. I'm just divorced. Olivia: So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get out of my kitchen. Call my friend Stephen. He's fun. Abby: Stop trying to get laid. Maybe I'll buy a gun. Olivia: Ohh-kay. Bye! Cyrus: Ooh, he's good, our boy. You'd never know he's dying to rip Langston's throat out. Olivia: If only he were that good at faking it with his wife we wouldn't be losing. Amanda: Schedule of events? Olivia: Thanks. Cyrus: What's your name? Amanda: Amanda. Cyrus: Thanks, Amanda. I don't care which campaign you're volunteering for, I want to thank you for coming out today. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Alissa, cancel your plans. We're working late tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Mm. This is really good. Gideon: I know. Quinn: No, I mean like award-winning good, like you should quit your job. 'Cause let's face it, you're kind of a crap reporter. Gideon: Mm-hmm. Quinn: Go out on the road in your car and sell this grilled cheese. Wait. You have a car, right? 'Cause I can't date you if you don't have a car. Gideon: I have a car. I also ... I have ... A deadline tomorrow. Quinn: Oh. Yeah, I sh- I'm sorry. I should go. Gideon: No. No. I didn't mean that. You shouldn't go. You should stay. I just have to work for a couple of hours, but you should stay here, naked. And beautiful. And here, in my bed. Stay here. Please. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Ah, did you get moo shu chicken? No wonder it took you so long. How do you even walk in those? Alissa: I got whatever you ordered. And these shoes aren't made for walking. They are made for getting me laid, specifically, they are for the very hot bartender at the Black Cat, where I would be having a drink right now if I didn't happen to work for an obsessive-compulsive slave driver who makes me fetch him dinner at 10:30 on a Thursday night. David: You know, if you spent less time at the Black Cat and more time studying for the bar exam, you wouldn't be fetching your boss anything because at law firms, they have assistants for that. Alissa: Lots of lawyers fail the bar. David: All lawyers pass the bar. That's what makes them lawyers. Alissa, eat something. We have a murder to solve. Alissa: No, we don't. Coroner says it's a suicide, and the police agree with her, which is why I went home two hours ago, because work was over. David: Amanda Tanner. 27. Single. 13 weeks pregnant. Worked as an aide at the Grant White House till just a couple weeks ago when she abruptly resigned and botched a suicide attempt. Then she becomes a client of Olivia Pope's, and we pull her dead body out of the river. Don't you find that interesting? Well, pretend you do, for me. Now if you did happen to find any of this remotely fascinating, incongruous, intriguing, worthy of our time, what's the first question you might ask about Amanda Tanner? Alissa: Well, um, who in the White House would want her dead? [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP Mellie: You canceled all our events for the next two days? Yes. Fitz: The primary's in less than a week. We can't miss two days of campaigning. Cyrus: New Hampshire's a small state. Mellie: I have a literacy fund-raiser in nashua tomorrow. I can't possibly cancel that. Olivia: That's why I canceled it for you. Mellie: Maybe I'm dense, but I have to confess, I don't really know what you want from us. Olivia: First off, I'd like you to actually talk to each other. Mellie: We talk all the time, Ms. Pope. Not to each other, you don't. House parties, town hall meetings, baseball games you barely look at each other. Mellie: Fine. We will add a couple of events to the schedule where we are together. Olivia: That won't do it. You two need to be a couple. A believable, loving, dedicated couple. Or you might as we throw it in right now. Why don't we give you two a moment? Fitz: Why are you fighting this? It's what you wanted. It's what you've always wanted. Mellie: What I wanted? You are the one running for President. Fitz: Oh, please, like you're not running for First Lady? You're dying to get into that White House. You're practically redecorating already. Mellie: Okay, there it is. I am the ambitious monster. I'm the Iron Lady. I have done everything for you! I have sacrificed my career for you. I have had kids for you. There is not a single thing in my life I have not given up so that you could be President! Fitz: I never asked you for any of that. Mellie: And all I get in turn is this perpetual resentment! Fitz: So what would you prefer? That I ignore you? That we don't talk at all? 'Cause that's pretty much how it's been the past few years, and that's worked okay. Mellie: Now you're just being juvenile. Fitz: Look, we BOTH know... Cyrus: This is why they don't talk to each other. Fitz: No ... 'Cause you're afraid it would get out and kill us politically. Mellie: If they found out, we'd be dead in the water! Fitz: Fine! Then if living on Pennsylvania Avenue is that important to you, we better suck it up and start acting like this isn't a dead marriage! [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN STOP James: Governor, you're 5 points down in New Hampshire. Taking time out from the primary for a parent-teacher conference isn't that a little risky? Fitz: If it's a choice between losing touch with your family and losing a primary. That's not really a choice, is it? [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PREPARATION Olivia: You can't wear this tie on morning TV. Fitz: What? Olivia: It's too distracting. Take it off. Give me your tie, please. Give me your tie. Take it off. Off, off, off, off. Thank you. Okay. Fitz: You decide who you're voting for? Olivia: I'm apolitical. Fitz: You don't sleep, you rip ties off innocent bystanders for me, you're killing yourself 24/7 to get me elected, and I don't even have your vote. Olivia: Well, you're gonna need to earn it, like any other candidate. [SCENE_BREAK] INTERVIEW WITH FITZ & MELLIE Reporter: If my research is right, you were first in your class at Harvard Law. Mellie: That's right. Oh, and uh, Fitz did fine, too. Cyrus: Not bad. Olivia: They're still not touching. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN ICE CREAM SOCIAL Fitz: One more. There you go. One more. Mellie: Very good job. Olivia: That's great. Mellie: It's your turn. It's your turn, Fitz. Fitz: Okay, it's my turn. Mm-hmm. Delicious! Olivia: Oh, wipe it off ... Wipe it off. Cyrus: Wipe it off. Olivia: Wipe it. Wipe it off. Wipe it off, Mellie. Come on. Cyrus: Come on. Fitz: Oh. Thank you. Olivia: Perfect. Mellie: Ice cream, anyone? [SCENE_BREAK] LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Sally: Ugh! Who in the holy hell is running that campaign? Billy: As far as I know, they haven't made any official changes. Sally: Oh, yeah? That is a big, old pile of dung, Billy Chambers, and you know it. That is not the Fitzgerald Grant I ran against in Iowa. That is a candidate, Billy. A down-home, charming, red-blooded candidate who's stealing my votes. Hell, I'm halfway to voting for him. Now I want to find out who's responsible so we can see what we're dealing with here. Billy: I'm on it. Sally: Billy, it is not in God's plan that I lose New Hampshire. Billy: Senator, I promise you, we will not lose New Hampshire. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN STOP (NEW HAMPSHIRE) Fitz: I'm a little superstitious, so we're not gonna have any victory speeches until tomorrow night, after everyone's voted. But for now, I just really want to say thank you. Okay? Thanks. It's all you guys. Fitz: Olivia Pope I don't know how you do it. Olivia: Oh, if we're passing out credit, Governor, you and Mellie deserve most of it. You two seem to be doing much better. Fitz: I think you underestimate how good a politician I am. Cyrus: We're not gonna win New Hampshire. Fitz: What are you talking about? The polls have us up by- Cyrus: Story's coming out in the morning paper, 6:00 A.M. They'll be reading about it over their damn coffee, right before they vote. Olivia: What story? What's coming out? Cyrus: Mellie's having an affair. [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT BAR TV: Senator Sally Langston won the New Hampshire Republican primary Tuesday, with 98% of the precincts reporting. Most attribute the voters' change of heart to new allegations that Governor Grant's wife is involved in an extramarital affair. Billy: Now you can't blame this one on me. You did a hell of a job with those two. The thing is, this isn't a story that goes away. You know, you can't spin a dead marriage. Sally and Doug, on the other hand ... they're like a couple of teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other. It's kinda gross, actually. Olivia: Billy Chambers. Billy: Thanks for meeting me, Olivia. Olivia: What do you want? Billy: Concede before South Carolina, and we'll give you the V.P. slot. Olivia: I'll take my check. Billy: Come on. You and I on the same team? We'd be unstoppable. We could play the spin machine, wrangle reporters, have nice meals on the trail. Do you like barbecue? Olivia: Are you asking me to concede or out on a date? Billy: Maybe a little bit of both. Olivia: I hate barbecue. Billy: You're awfully confident for someone who's got no cards left to play. Olivia: Oh, I always have cards left to play. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS / WASHINGTON D.C. STREET Fitz: This is the man who's gonna save my campaign? Olivia: Governor, if they look like weapons, they're hard to keep secret. Huck: You're late. Olivia: Blame this guy. Cyrus, give us a minute. Huck, are you ready to reenter the real world today? Mellie: Is he wearing pants? Huck: Paul Mosley. Literacy policy advisor for- Mellie: We all know who he is. He was advising me on literacy. But that's it. End of story. I would never- Fitz: Honey, it's not necessary. We believe you. Huck: They were following you. Did you know that? Mellie: What? Huck: A guy like me, but, like, cleaner, has been following you for over seven months. Taking these photos, gathering evidence to use against you, just waiting for the chance. Fitz: How'd you get these? Huck: Anything digital, it's all just out there. Patterns of ones and zeros waiting to be gotten. Cyrus: All these late night meetings it doesn't look good. Olivia: And the story's picking up traction because Mosley's not denying it. Cyrus: They must be paying him off. Huck: I pulled up all his financials. His password is "literacy." Olivia: What's he got? Swiss accounts? Cayman Islands? Huck: Uh, just small amounts. Uh, tiny step productions. Here's another $4. 19. Cyrus: Hardly damning. Keep looking. Huck: Well, small payments are interesting, too. Fitz: Why is that? Huck: Well, he's been getting quarterly payments from Tiny Step Productions. Tiny ones going back 30 years. Olivia: You ready to try something new? Abby: I was thinking of going savory, but what's up? [SCENE_BREAK] TINY STEP PRODUCTIONS OFFICE Abby: Excuse me. Receptionist: Hello. Abby: What do you do here? Receptionist: We're a feature film company. Abby: Oh? What kind of films? Receptionist: Specialty films, ma'am. Abby: Like educational or ... [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Cyrus: No way! James: No, no way what? Cyrus: You lost your seat on the bus when you ran that Mosley- Mellie affair nonsense of a story without even running it by me. James: I called for comment. You didn't pick up. Cyrus: I expected more from you, James. James: Don't bully me for doing my job, Cy. "Times" ran that story, too. Cyrus: Claire, you're off the bus, too. Ask James why. Fitz: Hey, Liv? Olivia: Yeah. Fitz: We on top of this, getting this guy to come clean? Olivia: I'm on it. Fitz: What does that mean, "you're on it"? Olivia: I got a guy. Fitz: You got a guy? Another guy? Hells angel? Mobster? A kindhearted felon who owes you a favor? Olivia: Technically, he's on probation. [SCENE_BREAK] PAUL MOSLEY'S HOUSE TV: Don't forget the little pinkie toe. Mm! Mwah! Mm! Harrison: Toe sucking not my thing, but I admire the technique, no matter the application. And you, Paul Mosley, a.k.a. Brock "The Mouth" Stone hahaha! You got mad skills. You commit. Paul: Get the hell out of my house. Harrison: No wonder they made eight sequels of "Twinkle Toes on Parade." Paul: I'm calling the cops. Harrison: Save your minutes. I already did. I figured they'd need a patrol or two to manage the media circus that's gonna be tearing up your front lawn in about four minutes. You see this, your toe-sucking highness, is your golden opportunity to fervently deny any remotely romantic involvement with Mellie Grant before you are a national joke and the entire literacy community that holds you in such high esteem reads all about your lengthy and decorated career as an artist of toe-rotica. Wow! Can I get an amen, Paul? [SCENE_BREAK] REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, SOUTH CAROLINA Sally: We have the technology. We should aerial drone the hell out of our Southern borders and protect our legal citizens. Unless, of course, governor grant wants to open up his Santa Barbara ranch for amnesty ... Kendal: The next question is for you, Governor Grant. Your marriage has received a lot of attention during this primary campaign. And while allegations of infidelity have been dismissed, criticism lingers amongst voters. Why do you think that is? Cyrus: We knew it was coming. Fitz: I think that a lot gets lost in translation between real life and packaged news footage. You can't capture 20 years of marriage in a in a snapshot. You can't capture chemistry with a photo op. I know what some people perceive and what the ... the whispers are, but ... The most honest thing that I can tell you about myself right now, Kendal, is that I'm a man in love with an incredible woman. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL ELEVATOR Cyrus: There's the man! Crowd: Whoo! Cyrus: Congratulations! Crowd: Congratulations! Yeah! Uh-huh! Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hi. This is Gideon Wallace from "The D.C. Sun." We spoke last week about Amanda Tanner in 3-B. Yes, I do know what time it is. Hey, I know it's late, but I- do you know who's looking after Amanda's dog? I think it's a golden retriever. Do you know who's watching it for her? Her boyfriend? Really? [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: Look at these logs. This girl is signing into the White House at the crack of dawn and signing out in the wee hours, every day. You know what I think? I think work and play overlapped. Think about it. She never goes home, so where's she doing it? The White House, that's where. Oh, like you wouldn't. David: So she was sleeping with someone in the White House, as apparently, any red-blooded American would. Alissa: And plus, it's gotta be someone in the parts of the West Wing she's logging into. David: Come on. Alissa: That totally narrows it down. David: To 57 employees of the male persuasion. So the question remains who's her baby daddy? Alissa: Did you just say "baby daddy"? [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Olivia: I need the latest poll numbers for Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Arkansas, Oklahoma. Woman: I'm on it. Olivia: Super Tuesday is coming, people, and it's gonna kill us if we don't stay on top of it. Fitz: Morning. Olivia: Good morning, Governor Grant. Did you need something? Fitz: No, just ... no. Olivia: Good. Fitz: I'm married. Olivia: I know. Fitz: I'm running for President. Olivia: I know. Fitz: I can't. Olivia: I don't want you to. Fitz: But just stand here with me, for one minute. Let's not go back in there or talk or think or ... For one minute, we just stand here, and I'm not the candidate and you're not the campaign fixer. We're just us. One minute, for one minute. Just ... stand here with me. Olivia: One minute. Mellie: Oh! Liv, there you are. You've really got to look at what they have me wearing at the town hall tonight. I really think it's too much. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Cyrus: Just got the tracking polls for Super Tuesday. You're still down with women. They're for Sally and they're not changing their mind. Fitz: I crushed her in that debate. The whole country saw it. Olivia: It's hard to win over women when there's a viable female candidate in the race. We've been waiting a long time. Fitz: So what do we do? Cyrus: We've got the oppo on her. Three witnesses all willing to speak on the record about snorting coke at a frat party with Sally Langston, back when she was just a Tri Delt. Olivia: It won't work. You can't nail Sally Langston on morality. Sally found God, Cyrus. Once you find God, all is forgiven. That's kind of the point. Cyrus: No, the point is we can't win without women. Fitz: No. You take the opposition research and you put it in the garbage. We're playing the rest of the game above board, win or lose. Cyrus: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN EVENT, GEORGIA Fitz: And that's exactly why I think deregulation is a good thing, like this pie. Do y'all really get to eat this all the time? 'Cause if you do, I'll have to spend a lot more time down here. Mellie: I'm sorry. I just I can't do this anymore. Fitz: Mel? Mellie: It's okay, honey, I just I need to say it. Um ... A few months ago, Fitz and I found out that we were pregnant with our third child. And we were so thrilled, so excited to bring a new life into our family. But campaigns can be so stressful, and I guess uh- I guess my body just couldn't handle it. And I lost our baby. Even though it was only eight weeks ... It was a baby and it was a member of our family and I have grieved for the loss of our child every day since. And I know that many of you have sensed, um, I don't know, distance between me and Fitz during the campaign, while we have struggled through this terrible experience as best we could. And I should say- Fitz wanted to quit to give us time to take care of each other, but I wouldn't let him, because I truly believe that he is the best person to be President of the United States, and I couldn't let our loss stand in the way of that. Mellie: I think that ought to take care of it, don't you? [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hey, Marco. How's the night shift treating you? Cool. Did you get that coroner's report yet? Seriously? How far along? Hi. Gideon Wallace. "D.C. Sun." Yeah, that's right. I called before. No, I didn't know you needed to be at work in an hour. Do you know Amanda's boyfriend? He's watching her dog? Works at the White House. You don't know his name? Lives in Logan Circle. All right. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: Old. Old. Ugly. Psycho eyes. Ugly. Old. Old. David: I have learned so much tonight. Alissa: What about this guy? Robert Sullivan. Deputy Assistant to the President for Homeland Security. David: Why him? Alissa: He's cute. But look at that smile. He could totally be a killer. David: You think whoever knocked her up was also the one who killed her? Alissa: Of course. It's always the boyfriend. David: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT CAMPAIGN BUS Olivia: I was sorry to hear about your loss. Are you...? Is Mellie okay? If she needs to take a break from the campaign, I'm sure we could- Fitz: Mellie's fine. She flew to Alabama. She's doing twelve campaign stops in two days. She's thrilled. Nothing keeps that woman down, not even a fake miscarriage. She's a real catch, my wife. I'm a lucky man. Olivia: I'm sorry. Fitz: Oh, God. Please don't. Don't be nice to me. I'm sitting here complaining to you about my wife, which is sleazy and low and not fair to you and the oldest trick in the book. Suddenly I'm looking down at myself and I'm ... How did I get here? Why didn't I meet you sooner? What kind of a coward was I to marry her and not wait for you to show up? Olivia: Governor Grant ... Fitz: Oh, for God sake, we are so far beyond the "Governor Grant" crap. Just say my name. Olivia: That's crossing the line. It would be inappropriate. Fitz: Then let's be inappropriate. Say my name. Olivia: Fitz. [SCENE_BREAK] HOTEL HALLWAY / HOTEL ROOM / UNKNOWN LOCATION Cyrus: This is me. How early are we starting tomorrow? Olivia: 6 AM pancake breakfast at the Baptist church and a prayer meeting. Cyrus: I can already feel the holy water burning my pagan flesh. Night. Fitz: Night. Olivia: Good night. Olivia: This is me. Fitz: I'm down there. Just go in your room and close the door, and we'll pretend this never happened. Go in your room. Fitz: Take off your clothes. (You're doing fine) Man: Yeah, I think I got something. Some woman. Nah, you can't tell who it is. They're not exactly talking. Yep. I'll send it your way. [SCENE_BREAK] LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Delivery Guy: This goes to your boss. Amanda: Sorry to interrupt. This just came for you. Billy: Thank you. I'm sorry. What's your name again? There's so many new people around here, I keep losing track. Amanda: Amanda. Tanner. And please, no worries. I'm just happy to be here. I'm a huge fan of Senator Langston. Billy: Amanda. I won't forget this time. I promise. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT CD (Fitz): Take off your clothes. Olivia: Cyrus got this? In the mail? Someone's had this for two years. Why wait? Why now? Fitz: All they had was a tape and a voice. They needed the voice. They needed a girl. Olivia: They needed Amanda Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Alissa: If the baby's blood type is A, and Amanda's is B, then the father has to be either type A or type AB. We could subpoena the White House personnel files for the blood types. David: Alissa, we don't have enough to subpoena anyone for anything. Alissa: UGH but we are so close. David: We're not close. We have a suicide and a hunch. Go home. Alissa: What? David: Get some sleep. Study for the bar. Go shoe shopping. Sorry I kept you up all night on a wild nothing. Alissa: David? David: Yeah? Alissa: I'm not. Good night. David: Night. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Hi. Uh, this is Gideon Wallace with "The D.C. Sun." I'd like to speak to Chief of Staff Chambers, please. Oh, you answer your own phone. Cool. Uh, I'm calling to get a quote for a story I'm working on. Quinn: I'm gonna run out and grab some bagels. Gideon: Right. Okay. Well, it's about your relationship with Amanda Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] LANGSTON CAMPAIGN HQ Sally: Thank you, Governor. Billy. Billy: Don't thank me until you hear it. Sally: That was Governor Grant. I've just accepted his offer to be his V.P. Billy, we were creamed on Super Tuesday. We are out of options. Billy: So what? We just ... no. No! He is a philandering faux conservative who will destroy everything, every single thing that we have promised to millions of people, honest Americans. What are we gonna say to them? Sally: Tell 'em to vote. Vote Grant-Langston. Billy: This makes super Tuesday nothing, a blip. Just listen. All right, not for me, but for the future of our country. Sally: Matthew 13:24. There's a parable about a group of enemies who plant bad seeds amongst the good ones to ruin the crops. The farmer notices weeds growing amongst the fruit. The servants ask the farmer if they should round up the weeds before the harvest, and what does the farmer say? Billy: "Let them grow together." Sally: One day, God will burn the weeds and save the fruit, Billy, but for now, let 'em grow. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE'S APARTMENT Olivia: You need to get back to the White House before the press corps comes in. Fitz: Mm. I've imagined your place a thousand times. I like it. It's very you. Olivia: Yeah. Living alone has its perks. Fitz: I should go. Olivia: You should go. Fitz: Oh. One minute? Olivia: Yeah. One minute. Fitz: Good-bye, Livvie. Olivia: Good-bye, Mr. President. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Gideon: Amanda Tanner worked in the West Wing with you. There's pictures of the two of you including several with her dog. Billy: Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Can we just get right to the point here, Gideon? What are you saying exactly? Gideon: I think you had a relationship with Amanda. I think you were her boyfriend. Billy: Is that it? Is that your big discovery, that we were boyfriend and girlfriend? That we held hands? Went steady? Gideon: If I were the Vice President's Chief of Staff, that's not something that I would want people to know, especially considering that she- Billy: Morons. Gideon: What? Billy: I'm surrounded by morons. Huge, clueless morons. Gideon: I've got a story here. Billy: Yeah, genius, you do, only it's the wrong one. I'm not the story. The President's the story. The President is the one who slept with Amanda Tanner. I was your source in the White House. I sent you the pictures of Amanda and the President and the stupid dog. I sent you the West Wing logs. She visited him practically every day. Dear God, man, I did everything except draw you a picture of their stick figures doing it! All you had to do was put two and two together. What is it with people? Why are they so freaking stupid?! You, Amanda. It was an easy script for both of you. Big letters, small words. You could- you could follow it in your sleep. Gideon: Oh, my God. You sent her in to sleep with the President. Billy: "Oh, my God." You call yourself a journalist? You're a joke. You could have been the next Woodward and Bernstein and the best you can do is tell everyone that I had a relationship with a crazy dead girl? Good luck with that story. Gideon: That's not all I came up with. Billy: You're an idiot. Whatever you say, I'll just deny it. This conversation never happened. Gideon: According to the coroner's report, Amanda was 13 weeks pregnant. I bet it's your baby. I may be a joke, but "Dead White House Intern Was Carrying V.P. Aide's Love Child" that sure sounds like a story to me. I even have a copy of the coroner's report if you want to see it. Gotta believe they can run a DNA match between you and a fetus. This conversation might be easy to deny, but that sure as hell wouldn't be, would it? Let me just see where I put that. I'll show you. Aah! Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] GRANT-LANGSTON PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE Fitz: It is my honor to have Senator Langston's conviction and strong sense of justice by my side. And with your support, we are gonna take the White House in November and we are gonna bring America the change it's been waiting for!

As Gideon investigates Amanda Tanner's past, a series of flashbacks reveals the contentious primary race between Fitzgerald Grant and Sally Langston, Olivia's first meeting with Grant on the campaign trail, and the formation of the Pope & Associates team. The flashbacks delve into Olivia's life and her past is slightly more eventful than she's letting on.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_20x09

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_20x09_0

MAWDRYN UNDEAD BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part One First Air Date: 1 February 1983 Running time: 24:03 [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: A 1929 Humber 16/50 open tourer, Imperial model. Do you realise this car has the same chassis as the three and a half litre Humber Super Snipe? TURLOUGH: Crude, heavy and inefficient. IBBOTSON: This car is a classic, Turlough. TURLOUGH: It's dull and fat and ugly. Just like you, Hippo. IBBOTSON: Turlough! TURLOUGH: We're going for a ride. IBBOTSON: You can't drive the car! TURLOUGH: Watch me. IBBOTSON: We'll be caught. TURLOUGH: Who will know? IBBOTSON: Oh, Turlough, we can't. TURLOUGH: Oh, come on, Hippo. Just to the end of the drive and back. You're not afraid, are you? Come on. IBBOTSON: Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Hey, you said just to the end of the drive. But you haven't got a license, Turlough. TURLOUGH: So, who needs one? IBBOTSON: Oh, go back to the school, please. Oh Turlough, slow down, please. You're on the wrong side of the road, Turlough! TURLOUGH: This car's a classic. Isn't that what you said, Hippo? IBBOTSON: Look out! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Who are you? GUARDIAN: A friend. TURLOUGH: What is this place? GUARDIAN: There's no need to be afraid. TURLOUGH: Then tell me who you are. GUARDIAN: Your guardian. One who has your interests at heart. TURLOUGH: Am I dead? GUARDIAN: Merely sleeping. TURLOUGH: I don't think I'd really care if I were. I hate Earth. GUARDIAN: You would like to leave? TURLOUGH: Is it possible? GUARDIAN: All things are possible. TURLOUGH: Then get me away from here, please. GUARDIAN: But first, we should have to discuss terms. [SCENE_BREAK] RUNCIMAN: He'll be all right. No bones broken. Just a slight concussion. HEADMASTER: It's a wonder they weren't both killed. What's the damage at your end, Brigadier? BRIGADIER: Eh? In thirty years of soldiering, I've never encountered such destructive power as I have seen displayed here and now by the British schoolboy. Well, how is he? RUNCIMAN: He's been lucky, He'll be all right. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN: We haven't much longer. I need to know that I have your assent to our arrangement. You will find me the most accommodating of partners. TURLOUGH: But murder. I'm not sure I could go that far. GUARDIAN: You will be destroying one of the most evil creatures in the universe. He calls himself the Doctor. TURLOUGH: Why can't you destroy him? You have the powers. GUARDIAN: I may not be seen to act in this. I must not be involved. TURLOUGH: I need time to think. GUARDIAN: There is no time. Yes or no? TURLOUGH: Don't send me back to Earth, please. GUARDIAN: Yes or no? TURLOUGH: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] RUNCIMAN: He's coming round. BRIGADIER: Steady on, old chap. You had a bit of a knock. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Doctor? I am free of the Mara, aren't I? DOCTOR: Tegan, Tegan, Tegan. TEGAN: I'm scared. DOCTOR: There isn't any need to be. TEGAN: I'm still having terrible dreams. DOCTOR: It's your mind's way of coping with the experience. You've suffered a great deal. TEGAN: That could have been prevented if that Dojjen person had destroyed the Great Crystal. DOCTOR: No, he couldn't. The Mara during the process of its becoming. It had to be trapped between modes of its being. TEGAN: The feelings of hate. Doctor, I couldn't go through it again. DOCTOR: Well, you're completely free of it now, Tegan. For you, the Mara is dead forever. NYSSA: For all of us, I hope. DOCTOR: Indeed. TEGAN: Can you take me back to Earth? NYSSA: You want to leave us? TEGAN: I want to rest. I want to be surrounded by familiar things. NYSSA: You'll forget the Mara, Tegan. It won't always be as painful as it is now. DOCTOR: Warp ellipse cut out? NYSSA: Can't be. That would mean we were near an object in a fixed orbit in time as well as space. DOCTOR: And what's the probability of that? NYSSA: Several billion to one against. TEGAN: Are you trying to scare me, or is this your way of telling me we've broken down again? DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's much more serious than that. [SCENE_BREAK] MATRON: Right, into bed with you, young man. TURLOUGH: Oh, Matron, I'm perfectly all right. MATRON: Mild concussion and shock. You heard what Doctor Runciman said. We don't want complications, do we? TURLOUGH: I'm not going to bed. MATRON: Just this once you can do as you're told. You're in enough hot water already. TURLOUGH: Matron, where did this come from? MATRON: It was in your jacket, and that was in a fine old mess, I don't mind telling you. MATRON: Good afternoon, Headmaster. HEADMASTER: Is it, I wonder. Well, Turlough, how are you feeling? TURLOUGH: Much better, thank you, sir. HEADMASTER: Which is more than the Brigadier can say for his car. I don't understand you. You make no effort at games, you refuse to join the CCF, you do little or no work in class though you have a first-rate mind, and now this. TURLOUGH: I wasn't driving, you know, sir. HEADMASTER: What? TURLOUGH: The Brigadier's car. HEADMASTER: But Ibbotson said TURLOUGH: I didn't want Ibbotson to get into trouble, sir. I only went along in case he got hurt. I knew he wasn't really able to drive it, and, well HEADMASTER: I see. MATRON: Ahem. Turlough must get some sleep, Headmaster. HEADMASTER: Of course, Matron. I'll look in again later. TURLOUGH: So you are real. I thought it was just a dream. GUARDIAN (OOV.): Waking or sleeping, I shall be with you until our business is concluded. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Are we safe? DOCTOR: There's a chance something's on a collision course with the TARDIS. TEGAN: Don't you know? DOCTOR: Well, there's a chance of anything. Statistically speaking, if you gave typewriters to a tree full of monkeys, they'd eventually produce the works of William Shakespeare. NYSSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Now, you and I know that at the end of the millennium they'd still be tapping out gibberish. DOCTOR: And you'd be tapping it out right along side them. I only asked you a simple question. NYSSA: Doctor, something's coming straight for us! NYSSA: We've got to get out of the way. DOCTOR: We can't. We've converged with the warp ellipse. NYSSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Hold this steady. TEGAN: We're going to crash. DOCTOR: I'll try and materialise on board the ship. Hold tight! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Why am I still on Earth? GUARDIAN: Patience, Turlough. Already the elements of chance are ranged against the Doctor. Soon he will be separated from the TARDIS and in your power. Go to the hill, boy, to the obelisk, and wait. There I will instruct you further. [SCENE_BREAK] HEADMASTER (OOV.): You realise, Ibbotson, what you did is a criminal offence. If it weren't for the good name of the school, I'd hand you both over to the police. HEADMASTER (OOV.): I shall be writing to your parents, needless to say. BRIGADIER: Ahem. BRIGADIER: Ah, Ibbotson. And what have you got to say for yourself? IBBOTSON: Please, sir, I'm very sorry, sir, but it wasn't my fault, honestly. I'm really sorry, sir. BRIGADIER: Ah, Headmaster. I trust you flogged that young man within an inch of his life? HEADMASTER: Thank you, Brigadier, but I feel that we should wait until Turlough is restored to health before we take any legal or disciplinary action. BRIGADIER: You realise that car was unique? HEADMASTER: Quite, but I feel sure that you will agree that we must do what is best for the school. BRIGADIER: Yes, well. Oh, if you say so, Headmaster. Mind, you can't really take it out on Ibbotson. It's my view that he was led into this by Turlough. Oh, we've got a rotten one there. HEADMASTER: I'm not so sure. I had a word with Turlough. He said he only went along to protect Ibbotson. BRIGADIER: Pah. Cunning as a fox. You don't believe him, of course. HEADMASTER: I don't know. I'd be reluctant to jeopardise the boy's future. BRIGADIER: Have you spoken to his parents? HEADMASTER: I thought you knew. They're dead. I deal with a solicitor in London, and a very strange man he is, too. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Are you awake, Turlough? TURLOUGH: What do you want? IBBOTSON: Listen, the Head's going to write to my parents. The police may be called into investigate. We could be expelled. TURLOUGH: It's all right, Hippo. I've spoken to the Head. I told him it was all my fault. IBBOTSON: I say, did you really, Turlough? TURLOUGH: So you won't get the boot, just beaten, I expect. IBBOTSON: Oh. Well, they'll beat you when you're better. TURLOUGH: Oh no, they won't. IBBOTSON: Hey, you can't get up until Doctor Runciman says so. TURLOUGH: Goodbye, Hippo. IBBOTSON: Oh, Turlough, you can't leave me on my own! Oh please, Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Strange ship. NYSSA: No sign of any passengers. TEGAN: Probably having cocktails with the Captain. NYSSA: What? TEGAN: Well, I mean it's more like the Queen Mary than a spaceship. TEGAN: I take it back. It's not the Queen Mary, it's the Marie Celeste. You'd think on a long journey they'd want something a little more cheerful. NYSSA: Everything on this ship is designed for pleasure. DOCTOR: I have a weird feeling the warp ellipse will be travelling for a very long time. Possibly through infinity. NYSSA: Well, it's certainly no prison ship. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Where are we going? TURLOUGH: Don't ask questions. (quietly) What am I supposed to do? IBBOTSON: Oh, Turlough, what's happening? Who are you talking to? IBBOTSON: Oh, wait for me. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Could you fly this thing, Doctor? NYSSA: You don't fly a ship like this, it's in perpetual orbit. DOCTOR: Amazing. NYSSA: Doctor? DOCTOR: There's a length of flight indicator. This ship's been in orbit three thousand years. TEGAN: No wonder there's no one on board. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Now what? TURLOUGH: We wait. GUARDIAN (OOV.): The base of the urn. Press it. Release the camouflage screen protecting the capsule. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Doctor, look at this. DOCTOR: Mmm. Transmat terminal. NYSSA: And in the transmit mode. TEGAN: The crew escaped in a life raft? DOCTOR: Well, someone certainly left the ship, almost six years ago. TEGAN: Where to? DOCTOR: Earth. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: What is it? TURLOUGH: A transmat capsule. Don't you know anything? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The ship's orbit takes it within range of Earth for six years. TEGAN: Someone might come back. DOCTOR: Any time. Come on, let's get back to the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Keep back! IBBOTSON: Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN (OOV.): The controls of the vessel are of no interest to you, Turlough. TURLOUGH: But it's a ship! I can get home! GUARDIAN (OOV.): I did not bring you here so that you could return home. Your concern is with the Doctor. GUARDIAN: You will obey me in all things. TURLOUGH: Let me go. GUARDIAN: Remember the agreement between us. TURLOUGH: Yes. GUARDIAN: You will seek out the Doctor and destroy him. TURLOUGH: Of course. I will seek out the Doctor and destroy him. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] IBBOTSON: Sir! Sir! IBBOTSON: It's Turlough, sir. BRIGADIER: What? IBBOTSON: We were on the hill, sir, and there was this great big silver ball, and Turlough went inside and disappeared. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Now what? DOCTOR: The TARDIS won't dematerialise. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: If you took more regular exercise, Ibbotson, not only would your body be less disgusting, but you'd enjoy a healthier imagination. IBBOTSON: I didn't imagine it, sir. BRIGADIER: Take it from me, boy, a solid object just can't dematerialise. Turlough! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's happening? DOCTOR: I wonder. DOCTOR: I might have known. NYSSA: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Where are you going? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The transmat beam, it's been operated. The signal is interfering with the TARDIS. NYSSA: Look. It must have just returned. TEGAN: Well, how is the transmat signal jamming us? DOCTOR: Well, the capsule and the TARDIS must be dimensionally very similar, and the beam's still functioning. It's supposed to cut out when the capsule completes its journey. TEGAN: Well, can you switch it off? DOCTOR: I hope so. TEGAN: I hope so too. I don't fancy a non-stop mystery tour of the galaxy. DOCTOR: Ah. NYSSA: You found the fault? DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking. It's on Earth. TEGAN: Earth? DOCTOR: If these readings are correct, it's 1983 on Earth. TEGAN: So? DOCTOR: Well, the capsule originally left the ship six years ago. TEGAN: 1977. DOCTOR: Yes. I wonder what it's been up to all that time. Come on, back to the TARDIS. TEGAN: Doctor, wait. NYSSA: What's the matter? TEGAN: Well, if that thing's back, then someone could be on board the ship. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Who are you? [SCENE_BREAK] HEADMASTER: Turlough again. MATRON: I'm sorry, Headmaster, but he was missing when I came in with Doctor Runciman. And there's no sign of Ibbotson either. HEADMASTER: I must talk to the Brigadier. MATRON: I sent a boy round to his quarters, but the Brigadier's disappeared too. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: This is Turlough. TEGAN: Where did you come from? DOCTOR: The transmat capsule. TEGAN: Earth? TURLOUGH: The capsule just appeared. It was very strange. NYSSA: And you just walked in? DOCTOR: Seven, eight. All set. NYSSA: Where are you going? DOCTOR: Earth, via the transmat capsule. TEGAN: Is it safe? DOCTOR: Well, it worked one way. Once I've disconnected the beam jamming the TARDIS, you should follow me through to Earth. TURLOUGH: May I come with you? DOCTOR: You'll be safer in the TARDIS. TURLOUGH: Please? DOCTOR: All right, why not. See you on Earth. NYSSA: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It's a pity those things don't have a wider range. Still, at least we're here in one piece. Transmat capsules can do very nasty things to organic structures if they're not properly maintained. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: I don't trust that boy. NYSSA: Oh, I don't know. I thought he was rather nice. TEGAN: Nobody from Earth is just going to walk into a transmat capsule. NYSSA: As you did into the TARDIS on the Barnet bypass? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN: In the name of all that is evil, the Black Guardian orders you to destroy him now! GUARDIAN: Now, boy. Do it now!

The Black Guardian strikes a deal with a school student named Turlough to kill the Doctor. He promises him that he will take him back to his home planet if he does the job. Meanwhile The Doctor's Tardis is trapped by a hidden device near Turlough's school.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_03x17

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_03x17_0

[ Enchanted Forest - Past Year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (A carriage, escorted by knight, crosses a forest. It is stopped by Hook.) Knight: Whoa! And just who might you be? Hook: I'm the man who's going to relieve you of that chest full of gold you are transporting. Knight: You and what army? Hook: Well, I'm glad you asked. (Lights are lit.) Hook: Your choice. Save your lives or the gold. Knight: Retreat! (The knight leaves.) Hook: Smee?! Those arrows took a lot longer to light than discussed. Smee: It wasn't easy lighting all of them by ourselves, captain. Maybe if we had an actual army... Hook: And share in the spoils? I think not. Smee: I got to say, it's good to be at your side again, sir, and... Not as a rat. Hook: Well... that's a lovely side effect of the curse breaking for you, I'd imagine. Smee: I did like the mobility, but being a human is good, too. Hook: What did I tell you, mates? You don't need a ship to be a pirate. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the tavern.) Hook: One more, one more! (Oh!) Hook: To the most clever, dastardly band of pirates to ever set sa... Stride on the open roads! Smee: To captain Hook! Everybody: Hey! Smee: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! The boys and I chipped in... Hook: Mm-hmm. Smee: And got you something. Hook: Oh. Mr. Smee. How did you know? Smee: Enjoy. To captain Hook! Everybody: To Hook! Smee: Come on. One more. (Outside the tavern. Hook gives the prostitute some money.) The prostitute: I don't... Understand. Your men took care of me. Hook: And tomorrow, you shall tell them that you had a grand time. Good night. (Hook is walking in the street and he is hit by Ariel.) Hook: Aah. Ariel: Move, and I'll slit your throat. Hook: Not a good plan for you. I'm guessing you don't know who I am. Ariel: I know exactly who you are, Captain Hook. Hook: Well, then, I'm at a disadvantage. Ariel: My name's Ariel. And you're gonna pay for what you've done. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Charming Family's loft.) David: I've seen enemy battle plans that were easier to decode than this. Emma: Let me see. All right, it says "take screws 'E' with washers 'D' "through bar 'C' using wrench 'F, '" which is... Not provided. Mary Margaret: Why don't you just call Marco? He's really good at this sort of thing. Emma & David: No! David: No. We're fine. Mary Margaret: Should we even be doing this? Ever since the showdown between Regina and the Wicked Witch, we haven't seen Zelena or Gold at all. Shouldn't we be focusing on her next move? Emma: We are. We just can't stop living. David: And this crib is a statement. We're not gonna lose another baby. (Regina comes in.) Regina: And, thanks to me, you won't. I'm finished. David: So? Did it work? Were you able to put up a new protection spell? Regina: One that can't be undone by blood magic, which means Zelena won't be able to put her hands on that baby. Mary Margaret: Any idea why she would want to? Regina: The number of spells involving baby parts would surprise you. That greenie is clearly one twisted witch. But as long as we're in here, we're safe. Emma: That's useless. I think we need to stop playing defence and start taking the fight to her. Regina: Did you not see how I barely outwitted her yesterday? She has magic... Powerful magic. Emma: I have magic, too. You've seen me use it. I just can't always control it. But if we teamed up, if you... Taught me... Regina: Now, why does this feel so familiar? Emma: I'm ready this time. Regina: Okay. But if we do this, we do this my way. This isn't drinking stale coffee at a stakeout or... Whatever you did as a bail bondsperson. This is a way of life. You have to fully commit to it. Emma: Not a problem. Regina: Meet me at my vault in two hours. (Regina leaves.) Emma: And no complaining. I'm doing this. It's the only way. And yes, I will be careful. Mary Margaret: We know. David: Don't worry. We'll watch Henry when he gets back from the store. Emma: Actually... I'm not sure that's the best idea. Mary Margaret: What? What is it? Emma: Well, you guys are tired. You need to rest. Mary Margaret: I'm pregnant. I'm not sick with the flu. Emma: Yeah, I know. It's just, um... Well, it's... "Cradle cap." Last time you guys had him, you overwhelmed him with baby tips. He's 12. He's doesn't want to talk about pregnancies. It's not fun. Mary Margaret: Oh, we're fun. Emma: Well, I'm just saying maybe Henry disagrees. Mary Margaret: No! Emma: He'll get there. You got to remember, he doesn't know who you are. David: Well, if we're not fun, who is? [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is waiting for Smee at the harbour.) Smee: Captain Hook. Captain. Hook: It's about time, Mr. Smee. You know how much I abhor waiting. What is it that's so urgent? Smee: It's just, um, me and the men were talking about how we haven't seen much of you since we all ended up back here. Hook: Is there a point to that rather odd observation? Smee: What's keeping us from crewing up again hitting the high seas, getting back to pirating? Hook: You mean other than being attacked and turned into flying monkeys? Have you forgotten? There's no safe passage out of this town. You've already been a rodent, Mr. Smee. Does life as a simian interest you, as well? Smee: Of course there's safe passage. We could outrun them. Hook: Not with that torso of yours. Smee: If we had a fast enough ship. The Jolly Roger, for instance. You still haven't told me whether you found her during the time none of us can remember. Hook: What happened during that time isn't important. Smee: Because you remember. Is our ship okay? What... What happened to it? Hook: My ship. All you need to know, Mr. Smee, is that the Jolly Roger isn't here. So there will be no outrunning of anything. Smee: I mean, what if we found another ship? Any one of these... Hook: Mr. Smee, I've tried letting you down easy. Now let me be more direct. I have no intention of leaving this town. Smee: Captain, I agree with you This place has its bright spots. I have never tried anything quite like frozen yogurt before. But the Wicked Witch is here. And with that sort of danger, what possible reason do you have to stay? Hook: My reasons are my own. Question them again at your peril. (Emma and Henry arrive.) Smee: Sir. Emma: Wait here, okay? Didn't he used to be a rat? Hook: Aye. In many ways, he still is. To what do I owe the pleasure, Swan? Emma: Um... I was wondering if you could take care of Henry again. Hook: If you want to get close to me, you just need to ask. There's no need to use the lad as an excuse. Emma: Why am I not surprised you're making this about you? I need your help, 'cause Regina needs to train me in magic. We think together, we might be able to defeat the Wicked Witch. Hook: That's the first reasonable plan I've heard since this all began. Magic is a part of you, Swan. Don't forget... I was there when Cora tried to steal your heart. I saw the power inside of you. It's about time you embraced it. It's what makes you the Saviour. Emma: I'm not embracing anything. I need to learn magic to defeat Zelena and make sure everyone here is safe. After that, I'm done. Hook: Done with what, exactly? Emma: He doesn't belong here... Not anymore. He belongs in the real world, in New York, and the life that he remembers. It was good. And it didn't involve vile villains. Hook: What about the life you remember? You can't just pretend like this never happened. Trust me. I spent the last year trying to do just that... Return to the person I used to be... And it didn't work. Emma: Why? What happened over the last year that you're not telling me? Hook: It matters not. Just take it from me just this once. No matter how much you wish you could go back to your old life... You can't. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are walking on the beach.) David: We can't just sit back and do nothing. Mary Margaret: You're right. We can be as fun as... As any pirate captain. David: Exactly. Henry obviously did a lot of growing up in the past year. We just have to... Adjust accordingly. Mary Margaret: What's going on? (A group surrounds Ariel.) Somebody: Does anyone know what happened? Somebody: She just washed up onshore. Mary Margaret: Who did? Who's here? Ariel? [SCENE_BREAK] (On the beach.) Mary Margaret: Where have you been? We thought you'd been turned into a monkey. Ariel: A monkey? No. I'm a girl that turns into a fish. David: Yeah, we... We know. What happened to you? Ariel: I've been under the sea... Searching. I've travelled to every known realm looking for Prince Eric. David: So he's missing? For how long? Ariel: After Pan failed, I woke up here, like everybody else. I... I couldn't find him. I didn't understand what happened until I overheard everybody saying that we had all gone to the Enchanted Forest and been there for a year without knowing it. David: So you still don't know what happened to him? Ariel: That's why I came back here. I thought maybe I'd overlooked something, that he'd be here, but... Obviously, you haven't seen him. Mary Margaret: We're sorry. We've been trying to piece together what happened. All we know is that we're up against Regina's sister, the Wicked Witch. Ariel: Do you think that she might be responsible for Prince Eric's disappearance? Mary Margaret: Without our memories, it's impossible to know everything. David: Maybe for us, but what about Hook? Ariel: The pirate? Mary Margaret: Yes. He wasn't part of the witch's curse. He has his memories. Maybe he can... I don't know... Shed some light on what happened to Prince Eric. Ariel: Well, do you think he'd help me? Mary Margaret: He helped us save Henry. I don't know why not. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past Year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street.) Hook: Fear of adding insult to injury, would you mind catching me up on your particular grievance? Ariel: You kidnapped Prince Eric, and you're gonna return him to me. Now on your feet! Hook: Kidnapping a prince does sound like something I would do, but... I'm afraid you've got the wrong pirate. Or should I say the wrong pirate has you? Ariel: Go ahead... Kill me. But I still know you're lying. One of Eric's men escaped, so I know the ship that took him was yours... the Jolly Roger. Hook: The Jolly Roger? Are you certain? Answer me! Ariel: You really didn't take him. Hook: What else do you know about who's captaining my ship? Did that man tell you anything else?! Ariel: Only that he was able to escape with a weapon that he stole from the armoury... The dagger that's against my throat. (Hook watches the dagger, he laughs and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Smee is sleeping in the tavern. Hook enters.) Hook: Rise and shine, you bilge rats! No offense, Mr. Smee. Smee: None taken. I keep dreaming of cheese. What is it? Hook: I know who has the Jolly Roger, and we're gonna take her back. Smee: Whose funeral shall we be attending, sir? Hook: Black Beard. Smee: Black Beard? But... He's the most cutthroat pirate ever to hoist a sail. Uh... After you, of course. Hook: Which will make it all the more satisfying when I take my ship back and make him walk her lovely plank. Smee: Let's not be hasty. We've been having fun robbing carriages. Getting rich from it, too. M... M... Maybe we should forget about the Jolly Roger. You said it yourself. We don't need a ship to be... Hook: She's not just a ship. Smee: I'm fairly certain she is. Hook: She's more than that. I haven't been myself since we've returned. I should have realized the reason why. It's because I don't have her. Smee: "Her"? You talk about the vessel as though she's a woman. Hook: Women come and go, Mr. Smee, but a pirate's life... It's forever. Smee: Still, captain... I doubt we could even find Black Beard... Hook: Don't be a coward! I know where he moors his vessels. It's less than a day's trek. And then I'll have my ship again. Ariel: And I will have my prince. Hook: Few people have held a dagger to my throat and lived to tell the tale. I'd leave before I change my mind. Ariel: No. I've crossed paths with enough pirates to know your code. Any valuable information a pirate captain ascertains shall be compensated in equal favour. Smee: I think she's right. Ariel: So... When do we leave? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Henry are at Granny's Diner. They dice. Hook always wins.) Hook: You want to know the secret to winning? Henry: Practice? Hook: No, my boy. Loaded dice. Henry: That's cheating. Hook: Only if you get caught. Henry: I think it's cheating either way. Hook: Point is, you win. "Practice," huh? (David, Mary Margaret and Ariel enter in the Diner. Hook goes see them.) David: Uh, Hook, this is a friend of ours... Ariel. She's looking for someone who didn't return to Storybrooke with the rest of us. Ariel: He's from a maritime kingdom, and he loved to sail. Perhaps... You came across him on the high seas? His name's Prince Eric. Hook: Sorry, lass. I wish I could help, but I've never heard of him. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Regina's vault.) Regina: Don't touch anything. Emma: How am I supposed to learn magic if I can't touch anything? Regina: The same way I did with Rumple. We're going to create a solid foundation first and then build your skills from the ground up. I said "don't touch." So, while we're here, who's looking after Henry? The Un-Charmings? Emma: Actually, Hook is. Regina: Well, those two have been spending a lot of time together lately. Emma: Hook's good with Henry, and Henry likes him. Regina: He's prone to violence, impulsive, and has a hook for a hand. What about him would a 12-year-old boy not like? Emma: I trust him. He brought me back to Storybrooke, and he didn't have to. Regina: Oh. Of course he brought you back. Emma: What's that supposed to mean? Regina: Seriously? You're going to pretend everyone doesn't see the yearning looks and doe-y eyes? Emma: I don't yearn. Regina: Well, maybe. But he does. Let's start with roots for incantations. (Regina shows Emma her mother's book of magic.) Emma: Are you kidding me right now? What language is this... Spanish? Regina: We're not making tapas. We're making magic. It's Elvish. Well, half Elvish. Emma: I'm never gonna get this. Is this how Rumple taught you? Just think about your training. What other methods did he use? Regina: Rumple was a bully. He didn't suffer fools, and he certainly didn't coddle his students. And if he tried to teach you how to swim and you couldn't learn, you drowned. Emma: Drowned? Regina: That's it. Emma: That's what? [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina used her powers to transport Emma and her on a bridge.) Emma: What the hell are you doing?! Regina: Teaching you to swim. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's Diner.) David: Come on. Think hard, Hook. Are you sure you can't remember anything that can be useful? Hook: My apologies, mate, but if I'd run across a prince during my adventure, I think I'd remember it. Ariel: I just... I don't understand. How could he vanish without a trace? Mary Margaret: That's it. Maybe he didn't. David: What do you mean? Mary Margaret: When the curse brought us back here, it brought our things, too. Gold's shop is filled with them. David: And if we find something of Eric's, we can use a locator spell to track him. Ariel: Let's go. Hook: Sounds like a plan. Best of luck with that. Mary Margaret: Oh, wait, no. You should come with us. You might remember something that we won't... Or can't. You'd be far more helpful than us. Hook: Well, someone has to keep an eye on the boy. David: Well, Mary Margaret and I can take over. Could we... Have a talk for a moment? (Hook and David go apart.) David: What is it? Hook: You sure this is such a good idea, mate? Let's be honest... There's only one obvious explanation why the little mermaid here can't find her prince. He's dead. There's no reason to ply her with false hope. David: In my experience, there's no such thing. You just have to believe. Now go. Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past Year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook, Ariel and Mr Smee are walking into the woods.) Ariel: Trudge, trudge, trudge. If you ask me, there's nothing more boring than land travel. I'll take my tail in the ocean any day. Hook: That's one thing we can agree on... Minus the tail, of course. You won't be bored for much longer. Our destination is just past this rise. Ariel: Then it won't be long until I'm reunited... Hook: Here. Allow me. Ariel: You've ripped it! Hook: It's a cloak. Ariel: It's Eric's cloak. And he's had it since before we met. He left it with me while he was away to keep him close, and now you have ruined it! Hook: If mending a cloak is our biggest obstacle, we're in fine shape. You realize you might not find him... Or survive? Ariel: I will. Hook: Didn't you see the fear Black Beard's name struck into my crew? You don't become a pirate captain through mercy. If I were you, I would prepare myself for the worst. Ariel: Why? What are you saying... That you would kill Eric if you had him? Hook: You don't believe that? Ariel: Well, honestly, I was a little surprised to hear that you might be responsible for Eric's kidnapping... After the stories that I've heard. Hook: What stories? Ariel: Well, the ones of you helping reunite Snow White and her family in Neverland. Some people say that you're a hero. Hook: Don't believe every story you hear. Ariel: Being good is nothing to be ashamed of. People change. Look at me. I have legs, and I fell in love with a human. I don't think anyone saw that coming. Hook: You may have changed. I haven't. I'm a pirate, and I always will be. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop.) Ariel: Belle? Belle: Ariel? Where... Where have you been? I... I was... I was worried I'd never see you again. Ariel: I've been looking for Eric. He's been missing since we all returned. Hook: We were hoping we could find something of his here. Belle: Oh, of course... To see if he's in Storybrooke. Ariel: Have you seen anything of his? Belle: I, um, I only just started sorting through things, but, uh... Don't despair. Let's... Let's start looking. (They start to look.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook enters in the back room.) Hook: I've been wondering where you went. (He uses his telescope and the button of Eric's cloak. Ariel and Belle enter.) Ariel: That's Eric's. How did you know that was his? Hook: I, uh... I wasn't sure. I saw the sea-creature clasp and remembered he was from a maritime kingdom. Ariel: He is. He was. And now he's here. (Ariel hugs Hook.) [SCENE_BREAK] (On the bridge.) Emma: Are you out of your mind?! Regina: Every time you've exhibited your power, it's been spurred by your instincts. So today, we're going to push those instincts until you master them. Emma: A little reading doesn't sound so bad now. Regina: You can stop me. Emma: Stop you from what? Regina: This. (Regina destroys the bridge.) Emma: What the hell are you doing?! Regina: Making the bridge collapse. You can either stop it... Or die. Emma: Aah! Regina! Enough! Stop this! Regina: No, you stop it. No more hand-holding. You have to do this. Reach into your gut. You know you can do this. It's inside you, Emma. Save the bridge. Save yourself. Emma: Aaaaah! (Emma falls but she uses her powers to build a bridge which brings her to Regina.) Emma: Did I... Did I just do that? Regina: Yes. When all I wanted was for you to retie the rope. Emma: It was like you said... Instinct. Why are you pissed? I did it. Why does it matter how? Regina: You think I'm mad because you didn't listen to me? I'm mad because... Look at all this potential inside of you, and you've been wasting it. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop. Belle pours a potion on Eric's cloak.) Belle: This is a locator spell, so whatever object it's poured on becomes enchanted and returns itself to its rightful owner. Ariel: Thank you, Belle. I know that you've been busy trying to find a way to break your Mr. Gold out of the Witch's control. You didn't have to do this. Belle: No, I... I did. You know. Perhaps a little good news around here will be contagious. (The cloak flies away.) Ariel: Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past Year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the docks, near the Jolly Roger.) Hook: Up close, she's even more beautiful than I remember. Don't worry, my dear. You'll soon be back in my loving arms. Ariel: You do realize you're talking to a boat? Hook: You have your love. I have mine. Smee: So, how are we gonna get on board, Captain? Black Beard's crew outnumbers us. Hook: I'll show you. (Hook stands up. He stuns a pirate and goes on board.) Hook: Stand at attention, mates! Now boarding the ship... The rightful captain of the Jolly Roger. Now, if the coward who tried stealing her from me would kindly show his face, I'll give him the punishment he deserves. Black Beard: Gladly. But it's not me who'll be punished. You want your ship back? Then take it. Hook: With pleasure. (Hook and Black Beard fight.) Black Beard: I was afraid you weren't gonna show up. Word on the waterways is Captain Hook had gone soft. Hook: The only thing soft will be your guts spilling on this deck. I'd never give up the Jolly Roger without a fight. (Hook and Black Beard continue the fight.) Hook: You think you know the ship? Black Beard: Oh, every inch of it... I assure you. Hook: If that was the case... You'd know not to step there! Black Beard: Aah! (Black Beard is trapped.) Hook: Oh, I've been meaning to fix that. Black Beard: Finish it! Hook: Fancy a shave, do we? Well, I'll be happy to oblige. Ariel: Wait! Eric's not on board. You have to get him to tell you where he is. Hook: You heard the lady. Where is he? Black Beard: So, that's what this was... A rescue mission for some wench? Ha! They were right about you, Hook. You have gone soft. Hook: I can either make this painful... Or quite painful. Now answer! Black Beard: I have him stashed safe and sound on a deserted island. Only I know where. I was planning to ransom him when the time was right. Ariel: Whatever it is, I'll pay it. Black Beard: Money's not what I'm after anymore. Ariel: Then what is it that you want? Black Beard: The satisfaction of proving Captain Hook is no longer a pirate. Hook: How are you gonna prove that? Black Beard: By giving you a choice. Surrender the Jolly Roger to me, and I'll tell you where I'm holding her prince. Or refuse, and he dies along with me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Ariel follow Eric's cloak across Storybrooke's street.) Ariel: We must be getting close. Maybe he's on one of these boats. (The cloak dives into the see.) Ariel: It must be searching. If the spell worked and... It's taken us to Eric, then... He's gone. Hook: I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the street.) Mary Margaret: Are you sure this is a good idea? David: You said you wanted to take action, so we're taking action. Mary Margaret: Well... David: Mary Margaret... Our grandson would rather spend time with a pirate than us, but not after today. Mary Margaret: It's dangerous... Not to mention illegal! David: It couldn't be safer. And as far as legality, I'm the sheriff. (David joins Henry in the car.) Henry: So, are you sure this is okay? David: Well, if Killian can teach you how to steal a boat, I can teach you how to drive. Henry: Technically, we borrowed it. David: Well, what do you say we see how you can handle a land vessel? Okay. Steady, steady. There you go. All right. Steady. Steady. Henry: I... I got it. I got it. David: Steady. Steady. Henry: Okay. David: Watch out! (Henry crashes into a mail box.) Mary Margaret: Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] (On the docks.) Ariel: I saved Eric from the sea once before. I just never thought that I would lose him to it in the end. Hook: A sailor couldn't hope for a better resting place. Ariel: Thank you. Hook: I didn't do anything. Ariel: You found Eric's cloak. I would have never stopped looking for him. At least now I know that our story's over. I just wish I knew how it ended. You're more than a pirate, Hook. You have a true heart. I'll always be grateful that you tried to help me. (Ariel leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past Year ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is about to push Black Beard under the sea but Ariel stops him.) Ariel: You can't do this. We had an agreement. You promised me that you would help find Eric. Please. I know that you are a good man, and I know that man Is still in there somewhere. It's not too late to do the right thing. Isn't true love more important than a few planks of wood and a sail? Hook: She might just be a few planks and a sail, but she's mine. She's all I need. Love brings nothing but wasted years and endless torment. I'm doing you a favour. A little something to whet the appetite of our razor-toothed friends below. (Hook pushes Black Beard.) Ariel: No!! Hook: Enjoy the feast, boys! The Jolly Roger is mine! Any man willing to swear an oath to me shall be given quarter. Those who don't, you're welcome to follow your former captain. The crew: Captain Hook! Hook: You may release her, Mr. Smee. Ariel: I was wrong about you, Captain. You're selfish, and you're heartless. And that is what will bring you wasted years and endless torment. I feel sorry for you. You'll never be happy. Hook: Where do you think you're going? Ariel: Eric's still out there, and whatever it takes, I will find him. (Ariel dives into the ocean.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (On the docks.) Hook: Ariel! Wait! Ariel: What is it? Hook: I have a confession. I haven't been entirely truthful with you... With myself. You and I met before. Our paths crossed during the missing year. Ariel: What? Hook: Eric had been kidnapped by the pirate Black Beard. You asked me to find him. Ariel: I... I don't understand. Why didn't you say anything? Hook: Because I was too ashamed. I sacrificed saving your prince for my ship. I am so sorry, Ariel. Ariel: You're a coward! And a monster! You let a man die for your ship?! What kind of person does that? Hook: The kind who's empty, who believes that a ship can fill a void left by a broken heart. Ariel: And that makes it okay?! Hook: No, it doesn't. I would give anything to take it back, to make things right. Ariel: Anything? Hook: Yes... Anything. Ariel: How am I supposed to trust a man who no longer believes in love? Hook: I still do. Ariel: Then swear to me on it. This woman that broke your heart... Do you still love her? Hook: Yes. Ariel: Then swear to me on her name. Hook: I swear on Emma Swan. Ariel: Thank you, Captain. That's exactly what I needed to hear. (Ariel uses magic to curse Hook's lips.) Hook: What the hell? (Then she turns into Zelena.) Hook: Zelena? It was you. Where's Ariel? Zelena: Relax. She was never really here. After she left you on your beloved ship, she actually found where Black Beard had been keeping her prince. Hook: She found him? How do you know that? Zelena: My spies are always circling, Captain, through every realm... Always circling. She found him on Hangman's Island, which was outside the force of the curse. They've been living happily ever after ever since. Don't you just love a good twist? Hook: I don't understand. Why would you pretend to be her? Zelena: To corrupt your love. As I said earlier, I've known about your dirty little secret for quite some time... Seen the guilt on your face over the decision you made that day. I knew it haunted you. And I knew I could use it. Hook: Use it for what? Zelena: When you invoked the name of your love in a selfish plea for redemption, I was able to curse you... More specifically, your kiss. See, the next time your lips touch Emma Swan's, all of her magic will be taken. Everything that makes her special, that makes her powerful, that makes her a threat will be gone. Hook: I won't do it. I'll tell her. And she'll defeat you. Zelena: Then I'll send The Dark One to kill her before you can. Hook: No... You won't... If you could have killed her, you would have. You need her power removed. It's why you didn't kill her when she came to the town. It's why you had a monkey look after her in New York instead of killing her. For some reason... You can't. Zelena: It no longer matters, because you're going to remove her powers. I may not be able to hurt Emma, but I can hurt those around her... Her parents, her friends... Her child. Hook: Do not go near them. Zelena: Oh, yes. You've become quite fond of the boy, haven't you? I will enjoy turning him into a monkey's breakfast. Hook: I'll stop you. Zelena: No, you won't. That pointy, little hook of yours can scratch a mere mortal, but me? You're out of your depth, pirate. The choice is yours. Kiss Emma and remove her powers or everyone she loves dies. (Zelena disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook knocks on the Charming Family's door. Emma opens.) Hook: Swan? I didn't expect to see you here. Emma: What do you mean? Where's Henry? Is everything all right? Hook: He's fine. He's with his grandparents. I thought they might be back here. Emma: We haven't seen them. If you're not with Henry, what have you been doing all day? Hook: I was enlisted to help Ariel find her lost prince. Regina: Really? That fish is in Storybrooke? Hook: She was, yes. And we found a clue in Gold's shop which led us to discover that Eric had been shipwrecked on Hangman's Island, just off the coast of the Enchanted Forest. Emma: Zelena's curse must not have reached that far. Hook: Ariel's on her way there now. She wanted me to say goodbye to Mary Margaret for her. Regina: Oh. At the rate mermaids swim, she's probably already there. In fact, let's find out. Emma: I thought you couldn't use mirror magic to look between worlds. Regina: I can't. But after seeing the raw power you possess, I think maybe you can. Hook: There's no need. I'm sure she's fine. Anyway, it's bad form to spy on such a private affair. Emma: How do I do it? Regina: Well, you've focused. You've let emotions awaken your power. Now you have to look inward. (The see Ariel and Eric, happy, on the mirror.) Emma: You did this? You brought them together? Hook: No. It was Ariel. She never stopped believing. Emma: Modesty? You're just full of surprises today. (Henry, David and Mary Margaret enter.) Emma: Where have you guys been? Henry: Only having the best day ever. David let me drive his truck. Regina: You let him what?! Oh. A... As mayor, I can't let an unlicensed, underage driver on the streets of Storybrooke. David: As mayor, you might want to throw a little money at road repair. Regina: Excuse me? David: Nothing. Regina: This is a terrible mistake. Emma: She's right. Someone could have been seriously hurt. Mary Margaret: Only if you're a mailbox. Henry: It was so much fun. David: What can I say? I've got a reckless, carefree... Fun side. Mary Margaret: Killian? Where's our friend? Hook: It turns out her missing... Husband was back home after all. Emma: It's true. We just checked in on them on... Skype. Hook: She sends her regards, but she was too excited to wait. Mary Margaret: A happy ending. Well, maybe our luck's about to change. Dinner at Granny's? Henry: Can I drive? Emma & Regina: No! Hook: Well, I guess I'll leave you guys to it. Emma: You're not coming? Hook: Another time, perhaps. Emma: Well, if you change your mind, you know where we'll be. And, Killian... Whatever happened this past year, whatever you're not telling me... I don't care. I'm tired of living in the past. Hook: I know how you feel. (Hook leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Charming Family and Regina have diner at Granny's. Hook is in the street, he watches Emma with his telescope.)

Ariel returns to Storybrooke and pleads with Hook to help her find Prince Eric, who never returned to the town when the new curse was invoked. Emma agrees to let Regina teach her how to use magic so that she can help defeat Zelena, and Mary Margaret and David try to prove that they can be just as much fun as Hook is with Henry -- who thinks they are boring. Meanwhile, in Fairy Tale Land during the past year, an angry Ariel confronts Hook over her missing Prince Eric, who she assumes was kidnapped and possibly killed by the swarthy pirate. But when Hook confesses that the Jolly Roger has been stolen and Eric is most likely the thief's prisoner, Ariel unknowingly provides him with a clue as to who the culprit is, and Hook - with Ariel in tow - goes off in search of his ship.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_02x16

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_02x16_0

"Be Careful What You Wish For" CAST Dawson: James Van Der Beek Joey: Katie Holmes Pacey: Joshua Jackson Jen: Michelle Williams Andie: Meredith Monroe ALSO STARRING Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Bessie: Nina Repeta Abby: Monica Kenna *Dawson's room - Pacey walks in* Pacey: Dawson, what's up? I came over as soon as I got your message. Dawson: I'm freaking out. *grabs clock* Pacey: Why? What's the problem? *Dawson tosses the clock to Pacey* Dawson: It's almost midnight. Pacey: Yeah...it's your birthday. In a couple of minutes you're going to be 16. Congratulations, man, this is a major turning point. Dawson: And I am eternally lost as a species on this planet. Pacey: Oh, this is going to be bad... Dawson: I'm about to be 16 in a matter of minutes and I'm still....me. The same whiny, adolescent, big-talking, small-doing loser that I was a year ago. Pacey: C'mon, Dawson, that's not true. Dawson: It's completely true! I mean, think about it. Every single person that I know is growing up and moving forward in some way. I mean, Joey is busy finding herself. You've got this whole stable, do-gooder, boyfriend thing. Jen is....not necessarily moving forward but at least she's moving. Even my parents are getting new lives! But me, I'm in the exact same place I was one year ago. Pacey: Yeah, but you're turning 16, Dawson. Rejoice. This is a good thing. You're getting older. Dawson: But there doesn't seem to be anything ahead of me. More of the same. I'm stagnet. No wonder Joey dumped me. I mean, the only thing I accomplished last year was realizing my feelings for her and I couldn't even hold on to her. She dumped me. For a gay guy. *laughs* Can we talk about this whole gay-man-straight-woman thing? There's got to be something going on there that we're not seeing. Pacey: You're right, Dawson. It's all part of the evil gay plan to keep the species from repopulating. Dawson: I would keep an eye on Andie if I were you. Pacey: C'mon, Dawson. You need to stop looking to movies for all the answers to life's questions. Okay? What you need to do is figure out what it is in life that you want and make it happen! Okay? Be definitive! Dawson: You're right. I need--I need definitive answers. Joey's the answer. I had her, I lost her, and now I'm going to get her back. How's that for definitive? *Dawson walks out his bedroom door and shuts it leaving Pacey in the room. Pacey sighs.* *Cut to Mitch cooking pancakes in the Leery house and Gail walks into the kitchen and is surprised to see him.* Gail: Mitch? Mitch: Hey! You remember my tradition of cooking Dawson breakfast on his birthday, right? Gail: Well, of course, but I just thought that-- *Dawson walks in* Dawson: Dad? Mitch: You didn't think that I would forget, did you? The usual for our favorite customer. Dawson: Thank you. It's nice to have a bit of tradition this morning. Mitch: Um, speaking of which, I have to talk to your mom in private for a second. About birthday stuff, strictly confidential. *They walk out onto the porch.* Mitch: Look, uh, I know we haven't discussed it...in the events of the past year, but we usually give joint birthday presents and I had an idea... Gail: You know, you're a little late for this, Mitch, I already bought Dawson a present. I'm giving Dawson his first car tonight. An Explorer. Mitch: Well, that's a big decision, Gail. Don't you think it's one we could of made together? *Cut to Dawson eating his breakfast looking out towards the door which was left open slightly and he can see his parents arguing. Gail says something about how she's paying everything, the bills, etc. Cut back out on the porch.* Mitch: Look, I know that I should contribute more financially, but I put the restaurant plans on the back burner and I have looked into substituting at the high school. *Cut back to Dawson listening to them arguing. Cut to the Icehouse. Joey's sitting on the counter and Pacey is sitting on a stool next to her.* Joey: Let's go over this one more time. Pacey: Okay. I invite Dawson out to dinner with Andie and me tonight. I'll keep him occupied until about 9 o' clock, and which point, we'll make up some lame ass excuse about how we have to call it an early night. Then, we'll drive back to his house where... Joey: I'll have set up the most fabulous surprise party ever. I hope. Pacey: I'm sure it'll be fantastic. Testimonial to true friendship. The party to end all parties. From now on, the Leery house is going to be known as the Delta house of Capeside. Joey: Thanks. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I've never organized a party before. *Jack walks in. Joey doesn't say anything to him. He notices and turns back around and leaves.* Pacey: Listen, Joey, not to pry or anything, how are you doing? I mean, now that you've had time to process. Joey: God. Everyone keeps asking me that in these solemn tones. Like I've just come down with some terminal disease. I mean, Jack's the one who's going through something. I mean, yeah, I admit, at first it was obviously a shock but I mean, I'm fine. Really. It's just... *Joey makes facial languages that convey that it's nothing. Cut to Jack, outside of the Icehouse by all the tables. Abby and two friends walk up.* Abby: Jaaccckkk, are you serving lunch yet? Jack: Um, yeah, in about 10 minutes. Hey, here's some menus you can look at in the meantime. Abby: Great, we're completely starving. Kelly: Aren't you that guy? Jack: What? Kelly: The first guy to ever come out of Capeside? He was the one who wrote the poem. Jaycee: Oh my God! You're the gay guy! Abby: In the flesh. Jack: *uncomfortably* Yeah.. Abby: Jaycee, Kelly, this is Jack McPhee. Capeside's no longer ambiguous resident. Kelly: You know, I think it's so great that you came out and you're only 16. You know, I totally watched Ellen through that whole tulmultuous year and, well, she didn't come out until she was, like, 40. Jack: Um, can I get you guys something to drink while you're looking over those menus? Jaycee: You know what I just realized? You're the first actual gay person that I've ever met. Abby: It is such a total waste because I mean, you're a total babe. Jack: You know, I'd take that as a compliment if it wasn't coming from Satan. *Jack walks off and Abby follows him* Abby: Jack, you have got me all wrong. I am not even one of his helpers. Jack: Well, then, I guess I should compliment you on that clever disguise you've been wearing for the last couple of months. Abby: We got started off on the wrong foot. True, I may have been flawed in the past but, I mean, sometimes people can surprise you. You should know a little bit about that yourself. *Cut to Andie in therapy.* Therapist: It sounds like you've had a lot on your shoulders for a 16-year-old girl. Andie: Yeah, well, after Tim died and Mom, you know, it seemed like there needed to be someone to be the glue to hold the family together and I guess I was the most-likely candidate. Therapist: Well, I'm not surprised that you started to feel a bit overwhelmed. Andie: Yeah, um, I felt like I was juggling all these balls in the air, you know? And if I dropped one, they'd all come crashing down, and, um, then I'd start thinking about everything all at once and I'd get these panic attacks when my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe... Therapist: Andie, Andie. Tell me something. Forget about saving everyone and even forget about your family for a minute. What is it that you want? What do you wish for? For yourself? Andie: I wish I could get rid of all my worries. You know? And be one of those people who just sails right through life. You know? And they do what they want to do, whatever makes them happy and they don't care what other people think about them. Therapist: Well, then, why couldn't you? I'm going to give you a prescription, Andie, but not for a drug. I prescribe for you one night of imperfection. *Cut to the Icehouse. Bessie hands Joey something.* Bessie: Here. You can get out of here early. I'm sure you want to get changed before going to Dawson's. Joey: Believe me, Bess. It's not going to take me very long to get dressed. It's not like I have to get all gussied up for anybody seeing as though I've turned Jack off from women completely. Bessie: Joey, you know that's not true. Joey: I know. It's not true. I mean, intellectually, I know that it has nothing to do with me. It's--Bessie? What am I supposed to do now? Bessie: You paint. You concentrate on your art and yourself. I mean, you broke up with Dawson because you wanted to find yourself...and then you went straight into a relationship with Jack. Now's your chance to do what you set out to do. I mean, look. Any girl would be acting the way you do right now under the circumstances. I mean, I think you're handling it with an amazing level of maturity. *They hug. Dawson enters.* Dawson: Joey, hey. I need to talk to you. Joey: Sure... *Joey gets her coat and heads out of the Icehouse with him..* Joey: What's up? *Cut to Ty putting ribbon on Dawson's present.* Jen: Well, looks like you can add arts and crafts to your list of talents. *Ty laughs. Jen walks behind him by the sink and turns around and looks at him.* Ty: I can feel that. Jen: What? Ty: You. Watching me. I mean, you think you're crafty, but I know. I can feel your eyes on me. Jen: You can not. Ty: Sometimes. Can't you? Jen: Nah, I don't know. I've never really tried. Ty: Close your eyes. *Jen closes her eyes and Ty looks at her.* Ty: There. Can you feel me looking? Jen: No. Not yet. *Ty leans in closer.* Ty: Now? Jen: No... *They kiss. They break apart and laugh.* Jen: I was peeking. Ty: Uh huh... *They start kissing again, Ty breaks away.* Ty: Uh, morning? Kitchen...Grams. *Jen looks at him confused, kind of suspicious. Cut to Dawson and Joey walking along a pier.* Joey: Oh, it's freezing out. I just wish it would snow already. Dawson: I know. Joey: Hey, remember what we used to do when we were kids? Dawson: What? Make a wish on the first snowfall? Joey: Uh huh. And it always came true. *They stop at a roasted peanut vendor* Dawson: Two. Joey: Well, except for the time we wished for a horse, a million dollars, and a trampoline all in the same year....I was greedy, what can I say? *They laugh. They pay for their peanuts.* Joey: Thanks. Vendor: Enjoy it. *They walk off.* Dawson: Snow is just so...hopeful, you know? Joey: Yeah. Hope is good. So...what are you hoping for? Dawson: I'm hoping that we can get back to the way we were. Joey: Me too. And I've been trying to get our friendship back on track-- Dawson: I'm not talking about just our friendship, Joey. Look, I can't deny the truth which is plainly and simply, I want more. I want you back. Joey: (shaking her head) Dawson... Dawson: I was so confused last night but then I realized that the only thing that makes sense in my life is you and I know that it's still there between us. I felt it during the whole Jack saga and I know that you feel it, too, because we're soulmates. Joey, you and I were meant to be. Period. The end. Cue happy ending music. Joey: No...look, Dawson. Do you remember why we broke up in the first place? It wasn't about you at all and it certainly wasn't about Jack, it was about me. How I had things I needed to figure out. Dawson: Things that you were willing to figure out with Jack but not with me. Joey: No, Dawson! We can't talk about this, you know why. Dawson: Joey! If you and me aren't meant to be together than I don't know anything. I wouldn't count on snow today. *He walks off. Cut to Joey, later that night, at the Leery house, stirring punch. Bessie walks in the kitchen.* Joey: I can't believe I'm throwing a surprise party for someone who hates me right now. Bessie: Just relax. I'm sure everything will work itself out. I mean, Dawson's out right now with Pacey, enjoying his birthday, by the time he gets here, he'll probably be in a great mood. *Cut to Dawson staring gloomily out of the window of the patrol car Pacey's driving. Andie's in the back seat.* Andie: I have always wanted to sit in the backseat of a cop car. Hey! I know! Let's turn on the sirens! Pacey: I don't think that's the best idea, Sweetie. Andie: (making siren noises) Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Book 'em, Dann-o! So this is what it's like when they cart you off to prison, huh? Dawson: Depends. There's different types. There's the state-regulated ones and then the ones that you're trapped in when your life is going nowhere and everyone else is moving forward. Pacey: Took a happiness pill this morning, did we, Dawson? Dawson: No, just a dose of bleak reality. No offense, but have you noticed my only birthday plans are to play third wheel to my friend and his girlfriend? Pacey: Okay, listen, buddy, on any other day of the year, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about this, but since today's your birthday, why don't we try to concentrate on the positives, alright? Andie: HEY! STOP THE CAR! *Pacey slams on the brakes.* Pacey: What? What'd we hit? Andie: Nothing. Just make a U-turn I saw a really cool place back there. Pacey: Uh, Andie? Could we please keep this impulsive streak that you're trying to indulge tonight from killing everybody in this car? Please, honey? Andie: Um, doctor's orders! 'Member, Pacey? You promised I could cut loose tonight. Pacey: Yes...I did, didn't I? Okay. *Pacey backs the car into a parking lot and makes a U-turn. Cut to Jack outside of the Leery house fixing his new front-part-slicked-up-by-gel 'do. He enters the party and Abby and her friends are standing next to the door.* Kelly: Oh my God! Jack...you look...amazing. Abby: Wow. It's like a transformation from John-boy to John-John, all in a sharp, dippity-do. Jack: It's no big deal. I put a little gel in my hair. That's pretty much the extent of it. Abby: I guess when you get gay, you get style. I wish I would have nabbed you one sexual preference ago. *Jack just looks at her funny and walks off. Cut to Jen taking Dawson's presents into a room. Ty walks in behind her.* Jen: Hello, Ty. Ty: Excellent, you're learning. Jen: Uh huh. *They kiss. Ty pulls away.* Jen: Okay, explanation. Ty: What? Jen: First this morning and now? That's two kisses that you've bailed out on. Ty: Okay, it's just that we've been getting closer, you know? Jen: I know. It's called dating. Ty: I realize that but when does it stop? Jen: You're kidding, right? Ty: Jen...you...you turn me on and the closer we get the more you turn me on. Jen: Is that such a bad thing? Ty: All I'm saying is that it's possible that things could get out of hand. Jen: Really? How out of hand? Ty: I'm serious. Jen: We've barely made out and you're already worried about things going out of hand? Sweet...in a very 1956 sort-of way. Ty: Yeah? Well, how 1956 is this? *They start kissing again. Cut to Andie, Dawson, and Pacey at a club. Andie slips off her coat revealing a red spaghetti-strap dress. Pacey notices.* Pacey: Wo! Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend? Andie: She's been here all along. Just trapped beneath the bondage of Gap clothing and a good-girl complex. Pacey: Well, the good-girl complex was part of your charm. Andie: Part of my charm. Not all of it. Remember we're having fun? Besides, (missed name of therapist) said I need to let my 'it' out to breathe some fresh air for an evening. Dawson: What exactly are you letting out for an evening? Andie: It's what (therapist) calls your 'it'. It's the part of you that holds your purest impulses and desires. It doesn't care what anyone thinks. It just wants what it wants. Dawson: And what do you think it wants? Andie: Well, I think it's about letting go of all your pre-conceived notions of how you're supposed to talk or how you're supposed to behave and just letting loose for once. Dawson: I could certainly learn something about letting loose. I mean, look at me. I'm sitting in a bar and I'm drinking a straight Coke. *Pacey raises an eyebrow.* Andie: We could do it together if you want. I mean, it might be good for both of us to get a little...wild tonight. Pacey: Try not to get to wild while I'm away at the washroom, alright? *Pacey walks off and the waitress comes to their table.* Waitress: Can I get you guys anything else? Andie: Yeah, um, I'll have another Coke and could you tell the bartender to put a little more rum in it this time? Dawson: Yeah, me too, I could barely taste the rum in mine. Waitress: Oh, sorry about that! I'll have him double up on the shots the next round to make up for it. Dawson: Thank you. *She walks off.* Andie: (excited) Ahhh! I've never drank before!! Dawson: Never. *Andie excitedly turns back and watches the stage. Cut to Jack out on the porch. Abby comes out.* Abby: So..how does it feel to be the one who set this little (missed word) on it's heels? Jack: Why do you keep talking to me? I don't like you, Abby. Abby: Well, that's because no one likes me. I'm an outcast. Welcome to the club. *Jack laughs and walks back towards the door to go inside.* Abby: This whole thing is just ridiculous. There's no such thing as gay anyway. *Jack stops.* Abby: It's just the name people came up with to persecute the normal inclination to go both ways. Jack: What do you--What do you mean? Abby: Well, we're all bisexual, don't you think? We're all just sexual animals under God. This pure atomical society would think our natural impulses are something to be ashamed of when it's really those kind-of attitudes that are the embarrassment. [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to Pacey, Andie, and Dawson at the bar, Andie and Dawson are obviously drunk.* Waitress: How are we doing? Dawson: I think we're ready for another round. Andie: Sounds good to me! Waitress: Okay, two more coming right up. *She walks off.* Pacey: How many Cokes are you guys going to swill tonight? *Dawson and Andie both shrug drunkedly.* Employee: Well, alright, as you can probably tell, it's open mike night tonight so who wants to come up here and sing the blues for us? Dawson: I know a little something about the blues. Andie: Alright! C'mon, then! Let's go! Pacey: Uhhhh...I don't think that's the best idea, don't you, sweetheart? Andie: Sure it is! *Dawson and Andie walk up on stage.* Pacey: Ohh boy... *On the stage.* Dawson: Alright, boys, the blues! *The band starts playing the blues and Andie starts dancing and Dawson adjusts the mike and laughs. Then, he starts singing.* Dawson: (singing) My name is Dawson Leery. I'm feeling kind of weary. Today is my birthday. You all look a little blurry. The girl I cared for, Left me and ran away, Straight into the arms of, A GUY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE GAY! I got the blues! Yeah! Today I woke up feeling like I was born to lose! Yeaaah I got the bluuuuueeesss. Somedays you're born to lose! (stops singing) Here's my friend Andie, she's going to sing you a song because she's got the blues!!!! Andie: (singing) My name is Andie. And my brother's the one that's gay. My other brother died. And my daddy ran away! But I'm still Andie. And my boyfriend makes me randy His name is Pacey, AND MY MOM'S GONE COMPLETELY CRAZY!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah I've got the bluesssssssss! Dawson: Sing it sister! Andie: (singing) Sometimes you swear you were born to loooooosssssssseeeeeeee! Dawson: (singing) Oh, we got the bluesss! Now it's time to put on my dancing shoes! Whoooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaahh! Alright! Oh, I've been restless, hopeless and confused, This girl that I told you about, She's been on the move, She's at my surrrrprise party where everyone I know is at right now, And when I show up late they're GONNA HAVE A COW! Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh I got the bluuuuuuuueeeeeeeesssss! I swear sometimes we were born to lose! Andie: No, brother man, WE got the blues. Andie & Dawson: (singing) We got the bluuueeeessss! Dawson: (singing) Sometimes you're, you were born to lose! Ohhhhh yeah. *Everybody claps. Andie and Dawson walk back to their table. Pacey gets up and gets Andie's coat.* Pacey: Well, what do you say we end this evening on a high note and get off to that not-so surprise party. Dawson: I think we're having a dirty, no-good time right here. Andie: Hear, hear!!! *Pacey sits back down.* Pacey: What's gotten into you two tonight? Andie: Well, it's his birthday! Dawson: That's right! Andie: So what do you want to do next? *Pacey takes a drink of Andie's Coke.* Pacey: So you guys have been drinking! Dawson: Excuse me, waitress! Make it a double this time with just a splash of Coke. You know what, I think a splash is too much, make it just a spla. No shhhhhh at all. Andie: No sh. Waitress: Before I bring you anything else the bartender asked me to check your IDs. Andie: *laughs* Check our IDs?! You should of done that, like, 5 drinks ago because you know what? We are 16 years old!! *Dawson laughs and puts his finger to his lips "shush"ing Andie.* Andie: No, we are! And you know what? You, Little Missy, have just broken the law! You could lose your job over this! Not only could you lose your job but you guys could lose your liquor license! And, you know what, this is my boyfriend and his father is the town sheriff and how would-- Pacey: No, no. *He taps Dawson on the shoulder, who's been laughing this whole time, to get up.* Pacey: Hey, she's kidding. It's a joke. It's a joke. *Pacey's dragging them out of the bar.* Andie: No, I'm not! I have my ID right here. Wanna see it? Pacey: Let's go. What were you thinking, huh? *Cut to the party. Mitch walks towards Gail by the punch bowl.* Mitch: So I was out in the garage and I saw the Explorer. Very beautiful. A nice gift. Except I only thought that Dawson's first car would be more like the one I had when I was a boy. Like some old jalopy or something. Of course it's your decision. Gail: It seems that most of the decisions that came with the marriage are mine these days, except, of course, the decision about the marriage itself. *Cut to the Explorer in the garage with steam-covered windows. All of a sudden in a Titanic-like scene someone's hand hits the glass. Cut to inside the car, Jen and Ty are making out.* Ty: Okay, okay, we have to stop. I can't do this. I'm sorry Jen. Jen: You should be. Ty: It's not entirely my fault. Jen: Oh, really. What role am I playing in your personal inner struggle? Ty: You're tempting me. Jen: That's a load of crap. Ty: I'm sorry, Jen, but as attracted as I am to you. I don't believe in pre-marital s*x and no matter what you say or do is not going to convince me that it's right. Jen: Who said anything about s*x? *Jen climbs out of the Explorer. Ty follows.* Ty: Jen, I mean it's perfectly clear that your history of kissing isn't just kissing! *Jen angrily whips around surprised.* Jen: My history?! Ty: Jen, we're types of people and just as I'm likely to be found in church on Sunday-- Jen: I'm more of a Saturday night slut?! Ty: I didn't say that. Jen: Then how come I have never felt more like one? *Cut to Jack standing alone on the stairs inside the Leery house. Abby walks up to him.* Abby: His own party and he's not even here yet, what a guy. Jack: Do you really think it's true what you said earlier? About everyone having bisexual inclinations? Abby: Oh, absolutely. *Cut to them in Dawson's room.* Abby: You know, the Dawson and Joey's of the universe are pretty advanced for their age but with all the time they spend examining their navals, you'd think they'd be more open to the possibilities. *Jack lifts up his shirt a little and looks at his naval.* Jack: You know, you're right! There's a whole world of possibilites in there. *They laugh. Abby looks at hers.* Abby: In here, too. *She sits down on the bed.* Jack: Yeah, maybe you're not Satan after all. Of course, I don't think Satan has a belly button. *He sits down next to her.* Abby: Well, us outcasts have to learn how to stick together. *Cut to back downstairs, Joey walks by carrying a bowl when Dawson, Andie, and Pacey burst through the door.* Dawson: SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *Dawson and Andie head for another room and Joey walks up to Pacey.* Joey: You're late. This party's a disaster. Pacey: Don't get me started. Joey: Are they...? Pacey: Yes, rum in Cokes, they got past me. *Cut to Andie and Dawson standing on top of the kitchen table dancing.* Joey: C'mon you guys. Andie: What? You wanna dance? *Joey helps Dawson down and Pacey grabs Andie. Cut to Joey leading Dawson down a hallway.* Dawson: HEY! It's my birthday! I can do whatever I want to do! Joey: Yeah, but we need to go where your parents can't see you. *Dawson stumbles on the stairs and Joey helps him up. He spots some people on the stairs.* Dawson: HEY! WHAT'S UUUUUP? Joey: We're going to get some coffee in your system. God knows it probably won't help but it's the only thing I can think of right now. Dawson: I've got the blues, Jo. Do you know anything about the blues? Joey: More than I care to. *They walk into Dawson's room to find Jack kissing Abby. Dawson starts laughing hysterically. He plays the air guitar* Dawson: (singing) THE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT, WHO SAID HE WAS GAY, I KNOW SATURDAY, HE DECIDED TO SWING BOTH WAYS!!!!!!!!!! *Dawson falls back on his bed playing air guitar and Abby's laughing.* Jack: Joey. Joey: I can't deal with this, okay? *Joey leaves and Jack follows her out.* Dawson: (singing to Abby) Sometimes you were born to lose. *She laughs. Cut to Joey coming down the stairs. Jack's following her. Abby's following him.* Jack: Joey! Abby: (to Kelly and Jaycee) Not so gay anymore. Jack: More gay than ever. *Cut to Gail bring Dawson's cake over. Dawson walks in.* Gail: Aw, perfect timing, honey, I was just about to call you as soon as I lit the candles. Dawson: What? Time to make a wish? Gail: Dawson, honey, have you been drinking? Dawson: Time to make a wish, okay...let's make a wish. *Everyone's quiet and listening to him.* Dawson: I wish..I wish that my mom never slept with her co-anchor. I wish that my father would stop talking about actually getting a job and go out and get one! I wish the two of you would stop your petty bickering and at least pretend to be the adults around here! I wish that my friend Pacey would just end this transformation of this A-student, do-gooder, all-around sanctamonious angel and would go back to what he does best which is make me feel good about my life when his is supposed to be worse. And then there's Jen Lindley with her drunkedness and her revolving boyfriends and her wild, wicked ways. I want to party with you! Ah, and then there's Jack McPhee. Jack McPhee who likes guys but doesn't mind stealing my girlfriend! Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, starring in his very own version of In & Out. He's in, he's out! He's in! He's out! In, out! Nice hair by the way. And then, of course, there's my Joey. My sweet, precious Joey. The only 16-year-old in the world that needed to find herself. But you know what? That's okay. I accept it. You need to find yourself, and I accept it. *He turns around.* Dawson: (cont.) So Joey! Joey? *He starts looking everywhere, under tables, around people.* Dawson: (cont.) Excuse me? Where's my Joey? Joey! There she is! There's my Joey! *He walks over to her and kisses her. She pushes him away.* Joey: Cut it out, Dawson! *He falls into the cake. Cut to Dawson throwing up in the sink and Andie hunched over the toilet.* Andie: Oh, God. This is all my fault. Or is it my It's fault? Is it my fault? Dawson: I've learned one thing from my iniation into the evils of alcohol. Be careful what you eat because you're going to see it again. Andie: And again and again and again. Oh, God, I swear I am never drinking again.Oh, God, I am so mortified at my behavior tonight and to think your parents saw me this way! Dawson: I swear if I survive this night, and if any of my family or friends every speak to me again, I swear I'll never let another drop of alcohol touch my lips. Andie: And if you ever see me pick up a drink, please remind me of how I'm feeling right now. Dawson: Deal. *Dawson and Andie quickly look at each other before hunching over to puke again. Cut to Gail going out on the porch with Mitch.* Mitch: Have we completely screwed up our son's life? Gail: No, he's 16 years old. You remember being 16, don't you? Mitch: All to well. Gail: Well, I'm taking the Explorer back to the dealer tomorrow. His behavior tonight shows me that he's not ready for the responsibility of a new car. It was, I admit, possibly not the soundest decision that I've ever made. Mitch: We could, um, go in on some old car together if you want. Gail: Sounds like a plan. Maybe we could cover the down payment and he could work to pay off the rest. Maybe he'd learn something about the value of money and mistakes. Mitch: Well, I guess we're all still learning about that. *Cut to Jack walking down the dock towards Joey.* Jack: Hey. Joey: Hey. You know, it's bad enough that I organized the world's worst surprise party, Jack, but Abby? I mean, after what she did to your family and everyone else...I don't know, I guess I just thought that if you were to go straight again you would chose someone like...Cindy Crawford or something. Jack: Everyone's been telling me how okay they are with me coming out. You, Pacey, that (missed word), that guidance counselor... Joey: I'm sorry for being so accepting...would you rather everyone just turn against you? Jack: No, it's--she said some things tonight that made me feel like I was just like everyone else. I guess I just saw what I could have become, this whole thing, someone on the fringes like Abby. Joey: So if we hadn't of walked in... Jack: I still would've stopped. I knew it from the minute I started that I was--that I am gay. Joey: You know, Jack, I think everyone feels alone and wants to be normal and I don't think anyone really ever does. Jack: I don't want to be singled out, you know? Like I have some scarlet 'G' on my chest. You know? The Ellen of Capeside. Joey: We're all going through the painful process of growing up. You just have this extra layer of difficulty but you're incredibly lucky to have people who support you. Don't lose sight of that. Jack: Yeah...I guess the thought of being gay...seemed like such a lonely thought. I just don't want to end up alone. *Cut to Jen walking into her porch where Ty is sitting there, waiting.* Ty: I don't think we should see each other anymore. Jen: So you waited on a freezing cold porch to tell me something that was perfectly clear two hours ago? Ty: I just need to explain myself. Jen: No, you don't. You have natural, God-given impulses that everybody in your life has told you are wrong to follow. So instead of growing your own conscience you try to drag me through your own grief and I'm not going to stand for it. Ty: Jen! Jen! You need to understand that all my life has been about the church. The beliefs, the teachings, they're all I know. Jen: So let me get this straight. You're a Christian but you like to booze it up and you like to party, right? You judge people for being gay and you go around saying heterosexual s*x is the way of the lord but you won't actually have heterosexual s*x. Ty: Look, I know it sounds complicated. I'm struggling with the fact that I am a teenage guy with all of the struggles that go along with that. Desires that are in direct opposition to everything that I've been taught to believe and when I'm with you, all sense of reason just flies out of my head because you're so beautiful and sexy and I want you so badly. I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings tonight. Please understand that this is about me and has nothing to do with you. Jen: Ty, this has everything to do with me. I liked you. Ty: Yeah, I know. Jen: No, you don't! I mean, I really liked you. And despite what you may think about my past experiences, my kissing you tonight was not my desire for something more. It was for something pure, something that I haven't felt in a long time, and you ruined that. Ty: Maybe..maybe someday when I deal with my baggage maybe this can work out. Jen: Anybody that can make me feel like this doesn't deserve a maybe. *She shuts the door in his face. Cut to Dawson laying on his bed. Joey walks in.* Joey: Hey. Dawson: Hey. Joey: How you doin'? Dawson: Oh, I'll be fine...after the room stops spinning. Joey: I'm sure you'll be better in the morning. Dawson: God, Joey, whatever I said I am so sorry. I was a complete idiot. Joey: Don't worry about it, Dawson. I forgive you. I mean, even you are allowed to make a few mistakes in this world and I'm sure that everyone else will forgive you eventually, too. You pretty much told the truth anyway. Dawson: Yeah, but the way I did it....God, I am so lonely. I'm 16 years old and I'm so hopelessly lonely. Joey: Is that why you got drunk? Dawson: Yeah...Jo, why did you break up with me and run straight to Jack? Joey: Because he wasn't you. Look, it was never about looking for something better, Dawson. It was about looking for someone who wasn't so close to me. Where I could tell where I ended and he began. I mean, our lives have always been so intertwined that in many ways I feel like you partially invented me, Dawson. And that scares me so much. I need to find out if I can be a whole person without you. I need to find out if I can be a whole person....alone. Dawson: Well, do it quickly, okay? Because....God, I love you. *Joey closes her eyes trying to keep control and Dawson closes his, falling asleep.* Joey: (whispers) I love you too, Dawson. *She looks out towards the window and then back at Dawson and gets up and walks towards it. Outside it's snowing. Joey watches the snow, closes her eyes and makes a wish.*

On the night of Dawson's 16th birthday, Dawson and Andie follow her therapist's advice and throw themselves into an unabashed night of recklessness. They arrive at a blues bar, and unbeknownst to Pacey, Andie and Dawson start drinking. Meanwhile, back at the Leery house, Joey is putting together a surprise party for Dawson, and Jack has a few surprises of his own. Jen and Ty face up to their potentially irreconcilable differences, and Gail and Mitch come to a decision about how to raise their son in light of their separation.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_01x01

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_01x01_0

[The Nelson House - Emma's room.] (Emma (a blond girl of about 12) is sitting at her computer with her best friend Manny (a brunette girl of about 12)) Emma: Read it again Manny. Manny: Again? I've read it six times. Emma: Just one more time. Please Manny: Ok. "Emma, you saved my heart and my project. If we protect the wildlife refuge, I owe it all to you. Love you, Jordan." Emma. Love you. Love you. (They both squeal) Let me see his picture again. (She scrolls down the screen on the computer and we see a cute brunette boy in several pictures) He gets cuter every time we see his face. Manny: Is that possible? Emma: Hey Manny. Don't wreck that. I want Caitlin to autograph it. (We see a magazine with a blond woman on the cover, who must be Caitlin) [The Nelsons' House Downstairs] (We see a photograph, which must be of Emma + her mom when Emma was little. The camera moves up and we see her mom put it in a box.) Spike (Emma's mom's nickname): Emma! Ready to go? Emma: Just a minute. Spike: We don't have a minute. J.T.'s waiting for us. (Emma minimizes her e-mail from Jordan. She is trying to close it. Her and Manny get nervous. Emma's mom enters the room.) [Emma's Room] Spike: Em, your room's a disaster. I thought you were going to clean it up. Emma: I will. Spike: And turn off that computer. Emma: I was just showing Manny your reunion website. (Emma brings up the reunion site. Spike takes the mouse and clicks on pictures of her and her classmates when they were at Degrassi.) Spike: (stops on a picture of a girl) I always knew she'd made it big. (Keeps going and stops on a picture of herself with blond Mohawk hair) How's that for a hair-do? Could I have been any cooler? Emma: Uh, yeah. Spike: My ten year reunion. Wow. It's gonna be great seeing everyone again. I'm getting as bad as you guys. Come on, let's go (as she leaves, she takes the hat off Manny's head) Manny: (to Spike) That's some pretty cool stuff you collected for the reunion. Spike: Thanks. Emma now! (Emma gets up to leave and sees she has a new e-mail) Emma! (Emma leaves) Theme song [Degrassi Community School] Spike: Thanks for dropping these off. Manny: No problem Miss Nelson. Gives us a chance to see the school. J.T.: Don't you think we'll be seeing enough of it over the next year? Spike: You sure you can handle that? J.T.: I'm smug, but strong. Like bull. Emma: Speaking of bull... Spike: Thanks again, guys. And Em... Emma: Yes, I'll clean my room. She rushed me out of the house so fast, I didn't get a chance to read my new e-mail. I hope it's from Jordan. 'Cause in the last e-mail he told me that... (Walks away talking to Manny) J.T.: Guys! Help! [Inside Degrassi] Manny: That sucks about the e-mail. Emma: I know. But, Jordan e-mailed me last night too. Manny: Really? What'd he say? Emma: (closes her eyes) "I got over 6,000 names on my petition to keep the polar wildlife refuge untouched. Thanks for all your help with all this, Em, and your great idea. You're the best." Manny: Wow. Emma: I suggested the petition, but Jordan did all the work. He's so committed. Manny: Too bad he lives in Yellowknife. J.T.: Help! (He drops the boxes) Emma: J.T.! (Emma + Manny run to help him) (They start to pick stuff up. Emma picks up a photo of three guys, who were probably friends in a band.) Emma: People in the 80s' were weird. [Jeremiah Motors] Joey: This car is retro meets modernism, Lucy. It's got the zing of the past with the technology of the future. It's even got that little bug vase that you put the flower in. It's like, Peace man, like a hippie. Lucy: Joey, ideally I'd like a car that's bigger than my laptop. I've got to move to New Mexico in this thing. Joey: This car is bigger than it looks, Lucy, trust me, okay? Why don't we take her for a spin, we'll drop your stuff off at Degrassi, and when we get back you'll be begging me to make a deal. Lucy: Alright, alright. Tell me that's not Angela. (A little girl of about five walks up to them) Joey: Yeah. Lucy: Hey, cutie, you're practically a teenager. Joey: Can you say, "Hi Lucy"? Angela: Hi. (She waves) Lucy: Hi. (She waves back) Joey: She starts kindergarten next week, can you believe it? It's gonna be great. She really needs to be around other people. Lucy: Speaking of needing other people, I checked the reunion website last night. You're not confirmed. Joey: I know. I know. Lucy: Joey, we're all really sorry your wife died, but, it's been a year. I think that Julia would be upset if she thought you were cutting yourself off from people. Joey: Can we... uh... Why don't I go in, get the keys and we'll go out for a spin, okay? Angela, you wanna go for a spin? Yeah, we're gonna sell Lucy a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Goes inside with Angela) [Degrassi] Emma: I really hope you're Mr. Simpson. Archie: I am. And you must be Emma. Wow. Wow. Wow. Spike found all of this stuff, it's amazing. Manny: Spike? Emma: My mom's nickname. Don't ask. (They put the Boxes down.) Archie: (Takes the hat off J.T.) And I can see Fedora's are making a comeback. (Puts the hat on his head) Great. Thanks a lot guys. Uh, listen, go and enjoy your last few days of freedom. J.T.: Spike? (Emma hits him) Ow! (They start to run) Archie: Hey guys, no running! No running! No running! Okay, just keep running. Don't listen to me. Alright. [Hallway] (As they run, they hit the lockers. They stop running in front of the Media Immersion Lab.) Emma: Holy... Manny: Look at all the computers. (Manny and J.T. start to walk away, but Emma stays.) J.T.: Emma? Let's go. Oh, I see. Gonna e-mail Jordan from here? Emma: Shut up! J.T.: (mimicking Emma) Oh, he can read into my soul. (Emma punches him) Ow. Mr. Raditich: And the jewel on the Degrassi crown, the Media Immersion Lab. Every computer here is connected to the internet via high speed telephone access. Jeff: Oh, you see Toby? Didn't have that at your old school. J.T.; Toby? Toby: J.T.? (J. T. goes up to Toby.) J.T. and Toby: Mickey hickey wampum, Mickey hickey yeah, Mickey hickey wigwam, North Creek summer camp. J.T.: Dude, what are you doing here? Manny: I guess they're friends. Toby: My dad moved in with his girlfriend and Degrassi was the closest school so... Mr. R.: I think we'll let you two get reacquainted and your father and I will finish filling out the forms in my office. Jeff: So, Toby, you gonna need a... Toby: I'm gonna walk home, ok? Jeff: Cool. J.T.: Oh, sorry. Manny, Emma, this is Toby. We were at camp together. Emma: No, really? Toby: Nice to meet you Emma: Yeah. Ok, the coast is finally clear. Manny, you're coming in with me. Manny: No, no. Emma: You two stand guard. (Emma and Manny go inside the Media Immersion Lab so Emma can check her e-mail.) Toby: So is your friend always like that? J. T.: Always. Toby: Really? (Manny runs up to the door and scares them by hitting it.) Toby: Kids. [Another part of Degrassi] (Archie is looking through photos.) [Inside a black limo. A blond woman (Caitlin Ryan) is talking on her cell phone)] Caitlin: Keith, I know you're really overworked right now. But this weekends really, really important to me. (As she talks they show her on a magazine, then her actually talking) Come on, it's just one weekend. I want to show you off. Show us off. Please? Yeah, that's perfect. Great. 5:00. Thanks babe. I love you too. (She closes her cell phone. When she does, we see an engagement ring on her hand, which means, Keith is her fiancé.) [Degrassi] (Caitlin gets out of the limo and enters Degrassi.) Caitlin: Thanks. (To the driver opening the car door) Driver: You're welcome. [Inside Degrassi] Caitlin: Snake! Archie: Caitlin. Oh my... (Drops his box he's carrying and gives her a hug) Wow. Hey. Oh wow, it's great to see you. Caitlin: Likewise. So you're a teacher at Degrassi. Ok, here (gives him a headband) Archie: Ok, now. This is your best memory of Degrassi? Caitlin: What? So I went through a headband phase. Come on, it was the 80s'. You were there. Archie: Speaking of the 80s'... how about this? Joey's fedora. Caitlin: Ok. (Puts the hat on) Archie: Nice. Nice. It suits you. Caitlin: Where's the shirt? Archie: I don't know. I think Joey's still wearing it, you know? [Outside Degrassi] Lucy: (Sees the limo) Oh, look at that. Why don't you sell a car like that, Jeremiah? (Joey looks inside Degrassi. He sees her and she sees him. She walks slowly when she sees him. (You can tell that maybe they were once together)) [Media Immersion Lab] Emma: Manny, would you calm down? If we're caught, I'll say I forced you. Manny: Ha, ha. What? What'd he say? Emma: Manny, Jordan's coming here. And he wants to meet me. Tomorrow. [Degrassi entrance] Caitlin: So what's your dinosaur's name? Angela: Ally. Caitlin: Ally? Joey: So you're getting married. Congratulations. Lucy: Yeah. When's the big day? Caitlin: Sometime next year. And we haven't narrowed it down yet, but, um, you are all invited. Archie: Great. So when do we actually get to meet Keith? Caitlin: He's on an afternoon flight from L.A. He's dying to meet you guys. Joey: L.A. Is he in show business? Caitlin: He's a director. Joey: I always knew you'd meet the guy. Caitlin: Well, I guess, um, I should probably go. Uh, check into my hotel. Uh, but, Joey, the reunion. You really not gonna go? Joey: No, I'm not. Caitlin: Well, then at least come out for drinks with us tonight. Joey: I, uh... Lucy: You know what? He'd love to. We'll both be there. Caitlin: Great. So I'll see you guys later then. (Mr. Simpson takes the hat off her as she leaves) Lucy: By Caitlin. [Playground.] (Emma and Manny are on a tire swing.) Emma: I want to meet him. It's just I told him I was in high school. Manny: You almost are. Jordan's coming here. You have to meet him. It's fate. Toby: Who's Jordan? J.T.: Some creep Emma met on the 'Net. I bet he lives in Scarbrough + works in a video store. I bet he's 40 and drools. Emma: You still wet the bed and I'm friends with you. J.T.: Ha ha ha. Toby: Ok. If you're meeting a stranger you met off of the 'Net, that could be really dangerous. Emma: He's not a stranger. He e-mailed me his picture. I've known Jordan a lot longer than I've known you. Manny: Guys, it's cool. Jordan's 16. He's coming here on a school trip. J.T.: School trip? It's summer. Emma: He organized it back in the spring. He got to go at the last minute. Stop making it into something it's not. (They start spraying each other with water guns.) [The Nelson's House - Emma house] (Spike and Caitlin are looking at the reunion website.) Caitlin: Oh my god. Wait. Wait. Go back. I wanna see that one again. Don't try and speed past that one. Spike: (looking at Caitlin's engagement ring) I can't wait to meet Keith. He's got great taste in jewelry. That's a good sign. Caitlin: Well, thank you. Um, actually, I picked it out myself. 'Cause, he, you know, was so busy with pre-production and all that kind of stuff, he just gave me his card and said, "Go crazy." Spike: Can't complain about crazy. (Emma enters with a sandwich and drink.) Emma: Why are you on my computer? Spike: Excuse me, our computer. Emma: You're on the reunion site again? Next time can we try asking before trespassing? Spike: Next time can we be more polite to our guest? Em... Emma: Caitlin Ryan. Ryan's Planet! Birth date: March 2nd 1972. You're a Pisces right? Spike: And you're a stalker. Emma: I can't believe you're actually here, in my really messy room. Caitlin: Don't worry about it. Oh my god, it's great to see you. All grown up. Spike: She wishes. So... expecting an e-mail from your boyfriend? Emma: Did you...you hacked my e-mail? Haven't you ever heard of privacy? Spike: Relax, I couldn't hack my way out of a paper bag. But I can tell when my daughter's getting interested in boys. Emma: Mom. I'm not having s*x. Spike: I'm gonna have fun this weekend right? Caitlin: I promise. (They leave) Bye. (Emma closes the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Emma's room - Later] Emma: Ok. We've gone through all the e-mail. No video store. No mention of missing teeth. Manny: J.T.'s just worried about you. Emma: J.T.'s just immature. Manny: That Toby guy seems okay. Emma: He's fine, I guess. Yeah. Girls are so much more mature than boys. That's why I like Jordan. I've never had a boyfriend so smart, so thoughtful. Manny: Em, you've never had a boyfriend. Emma: I know. Manny: Maybe... Emma: What? Manny: What Toby said, about meeting strangers on the 'Net, Being dangerous... Emma: Manny I can take care of myself. You don't need to worry so much. We'll meet somewhere in public. Manny: Maybe you should just talk to your mom. She's cool. She'd understand. Emma: She's not that cool. Are you saying you don't think I should meet Jordan? Manny: Hey! [A Bar] Keith: Teaching. It's so noble. You know, giving back, etc. Actually, I'm, uh, working on a script about you guys, kind of a Dangerous Minds meets Footloose kind of thing. (Phone rings) Just a second. Let me take this. (On phone) Yo, Frankie. Yeah. No, I'm in Toronto. No, I haven't seen any eskimos yet. Uh... Lucy: Caitlin, I watch your show every week. The situations you get yourself into, you're amazingly brave. Caitlin: Brave? So what about you? Lucy: What about me? Joey: Come on, don't be so modest. 2 years of physical therapy. Followed by an honors BA and a masters in anthropology? Spike: A Ph. D in one more year? Lucy: Guys, it's not brave. Caitlin: Oh, yeah, you're right. It's just brilliant, awesome, and amazing. Lucy: It's not even awesome, it's just life. I survived the accident. I got off easy. Archie: Sorta like Wheels. Kills a kid. 10 years later, scot-free. Joey: (on TV) Hey! We got white ones. We got red ones We got big ones and we got small ones. I'm gonna give you a bumper to bumper warranty. That's right. At Jeremiah motors, if you find a lower price anywhere else, I'll give you the shirt off my back (takes off his shirt) Lucy: Joey! That's awful! Joey: I needed a commercial, I made a commercial. Keith: Right on, man. And it makes or breaks a business. Just, just one more second. Frankie, listen, listen to me. They're from a major. You're not going to sign the deal on some low rent pancake house. Fix it, ok? (Hangs up phone) But, uh, Joey, next time, hire a real actor. You know, avoid this sifty used cars salesman vibe. I mean, that's what I would do. Joey: No, thank you, Keith. Keith: No problem. That's what they pay me the big bucks for. Archie: It's funny, it's classic, it's... Everyone else: It's Joey! Caitlin: Keith, if you had seen Joey in high school, total ham, the whole way through. I think it's great, despite everything you've been through, you're still the same old Joey. Joey: Actually, uh, I have changed. And so have you. Excuse me. Keith: So.... [Joey drinking at the bar.] (Archie comes up to him.) Archie: (To Bartender) Can we have two more of those? Thanks. Joey, were you over there right now? Joey: Yeah I know. I'm just waiting for my cab. Archie: What's going on here? Joey: Nothing's going on. I just knew this was a bad idea so I'm going home. Archie: Oh, Joey, come on. Joey: Snake, get off my back please. Don't start. Archie: Cutting out the rest of the world isn't going to bring her back. You know that, right? Joey: Will you save the psycho 101 crap for your students? I'm not a child. I don't need you or anyone else telling me how to live my life. Archie: Joey, we're your friends. We're worried about you. Joey: All I get is people feeling sorry for me. Why do you think I don't wanna go tomorrow night? It just makes me feel worse. Archie: So this has nothing to do with Caitlin? Joey: No! No it doesn't, all right? All right, I don't like her boyfriend. Archie: Fiancée. Joey: Whatever. And I don't like the fact she feels sorry for me. But, I'm fine. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to save me. Archie: You know what? I'd look and see who feels sorry for who right now. (Archie finishes his drink and goes back to the table, leaving Joey alone. Joey looks at them, then looks away.) [The Nelsons' House] (Emma is asleep. Lucy, Spike, and Caitlin come in, singing a song.) Girls: ...everybody wants something they'll never give up. Everybody wants something that'll take you money and never give up. (A song) Lucy: We still know the words. God help us. Spike: Who wants a glass of champagne? Lucy: I do. Caitlin: Hey, can we spike your hair now? Oh, come on, 80s' are back. Besides, the Go-Go's have reunited. Come on. (While their talking, Emma is coming downstairs) Spike: Emma, we woke you up. Caitlin: Sorry, Em. Spike: We promised to be quiet. Ladies bubbly? Caitlin: Just one glass though. Keith's waiting for me back at the hotel. Hey, Emma. How are you? It's so good to see you. Emma: Caitlin, can I ask you something? Caitlin: Sure. Let me guess... your boyfriend? Emma: My friends don't think I should be with him. Caitlin: Well, what do you think? I mean, do you like him? Emma: Yeah, we get along so great. Sometimes, it's like he can read into my soul. Caitlin: Well, sometimes you just have to take a chance. Go for it. Even if your friends don't think it's right. Emma: Like what you do for the environment? Caitlin: Yeah, exactly. If my family had their way, I'd be working in an office right now. Somewhere on Bay Street. Oh, what an awful thought. So, is he cute? Come on, I want details. Details, details. [The kitchen.] Lucy: Hey, Spike, what do you think of Keith? Spike: Caitlin could do a lot better. (Lucy puts the hat on) Ooh, nice. [The stairs (Spike is listening to Caitlin and Emma talk)] Emma: But, how do you know? I mean, when it's one of those times? Caitlin: Well, you know in here. (Meaning, your heart.) And it's usually right. (Spike comes up to them.) Spike: Oops. Bonding moment? Caitlin: Oh, no. No. Just boring Emma with tales of my environmental crusades. Emma: What you said....wow. Spike: Honey, do you wanna join us for a minute? Emma: No, I'm tired. Caitlin: Good night. Spike: 'Night, Em. So... what were you talking about? Caitlin: Wouldn't you like to know? Oh, she's so young. Lucy: Oh, and you're so old. Caitlin: What? I'm practically 30. Lucy: I refuse to have biological clock. Honestly, I don't even feel it. Spike: I wouldn't mind going out on a date. Caitlin: Oh my god that's the best thing about Keith. No more flirting with men in sandals over organic food and environmental chit chat. Lucy: Poor Caitlin. So many vegans, so little time. [Emma's bedroom. She is her computer, writing Jordan an e-mail that she wants to meet him. (It says: "Dear Jordan, I am totally into meet tomorrow" - Emma] Emma: Sometimes you just... (Sends him the e-mail) go for it.

Spike Nelson's 12 year old daughter Emma has spent the year communicating with her boyfriend "Jordan" over the internet and finally makes plans to meet him in person, even though her friends warn her about the potential dangers in doing so. Degrassi High's classes of 1992 and 1993 return for their high school reunion. Recently widowed, Joey is unsure if he even wants to go, especially after finding out that his ex-girlfriend Caitlin is bringing her fiancée Keith to the event. Note: Part 1 marks the first appearances of Ryan Cooley, Jake Goldsbie, Miriam McDonald and Cassie Steele as J.T. Yorke, Toby Issacs, Emma Nelson and Manny Santos. Part 2 marks the first appearances of Melissa McIntyre and Christina Schmidt as Ashley Kerwin and Terri MacGregor.

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[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts where we took off in the last episode with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares at them.] Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay? Rachel: We weren't doing anything! Joey: Rach, he just saw us. Rachel: Shhh. Joey: But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss. Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados. Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie. Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill. Joey: Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but.. Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross. Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so... (Ross looks shocked and says nothing.) Joey: Ross? Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door? OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.] Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything. Ross: So you two are..? Joey and Rachel: Yeah. Ross: And have you .. ed? Joey: No, no, no! Rachel: No, no, no! Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..? Joey: Probably. (Rachel looks at him.) Joey: No, no! Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts. Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts? Rachel: No, but you know what I mean. Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine! Joey: Really? Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this. Joey: Ross.. Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do? Rachel: Calm ourselves? Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!! Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird? Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.) Joey: I do like fajitas. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.] Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives. Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Hey guys! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets. Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds. (Monica glares at him.) Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair. Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff? Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies. Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one! Monica: That's not really how it works. Phoebe: Oh, how does it work? Monica: I don't know! Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you. Monica: Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great? (Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.) (Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.) Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules. (The triplets scream and run amok in the coffeehouse.) Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked about!! Phoebe: Hey! Frank Jr.: Hey. Phoebe: Good to see you. Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too. Monica: Hi Frank. Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'? Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big! (Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.) Monica: Which one is which again? Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him. Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing to adopt triplets?" No! [Scene: The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.] Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date. Rachel: Well, what would we be doing? Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home... Rachel: Feel me up? Joey: In a carriage! (Charlie walks up to them.) Joey: Hey, Charlie! Rachel: Hey. Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this? Rachel: Oh, you bet. (Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.) Joey: So, did you bring a little something for Ross? Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment. Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks. Charlie: And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want. Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out.. (They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already quite hyper.) Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in. Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine. Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.) Joey: Uh, actually, that's.. Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!! Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little... Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine? Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink. Ross: You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas. (Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to the kitchen.) [Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping on top of each other on the couch.] Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels. Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again. Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute. Frank Jr.: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing.. Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years! Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time. Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three! Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area. Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No. Phoebe: What? Frank Jr.: No, I can't. Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them! Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one. Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one? [Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.] Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys. Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to help. Bill: We went through the same thing when we were adopting. Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh? (Bill and Colleen look shocked.) Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home. Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us. Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help. (She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.) Colleen: It's pretty much all the information you need. Monica: Oh my god! Colleen: Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back. Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm. Bill: I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us. Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book? (Monica looks at him.) Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you? Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white. Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall, to your left. (Chandler leaves.) Colleen: I would have told him to do it too. Monica: Can I adopt you? (Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.) Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen. Owen: Yeah. Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too. Owen: You were? Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother. Owen: Huh? Chandler: You know how to use a compass? Owen: I have a badge in it. Chandler: You do? That's fantastic! Owen: You wanna see it? Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you. Owen: What?!? Chandler: What? Owen: I'm adopted? (Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.) Chandler: I got nothing. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.] Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood. Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some. Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'. Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready? Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension. Rachel: No awareness. Ross: We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go? (The oven timer pings in the kitchen.) Ross: My fajitas!! (He runs off to the kitchen.) Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this. Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic. (Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to that.) Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable? (Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas - without any oven mitts.) Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!! Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on! (Ross laughs.) Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow! [Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.] Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we? Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not. Phoebe: Insane. Frank Jr.: I know. Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right? Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard. Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up? Frank Jr.: Huh. Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.? Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny. Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie? Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet. Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler. Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor.. Phoebe: Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids. Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies. Phoebe: I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there. Frank Jr.: How about tomorrow? Phoebe: Well, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together. Frank Jr.: You'd do that for us? Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for. Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets): Look at them! Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair, and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.] Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen? Monica: They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are? Chandler: We have to leave!! Monica: Why? What did you do in the bathroom? Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him. Monica: Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go! (Bill and Colleen enter.) Colleen: Hey. Bill: Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen. Colleen: I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet. Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows? (Owen comes running in.) Owen: I'm adopted?! Chandler: See? Intuitive! Bill: What? Where did you hear that? Owen: He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell. Chandler: Which technically now you should give back! Colleen: You told him he's adopted? Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real." Owen: He isn't?! Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby! [Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the kitchen.] Ross: Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey. Rachel: Ooy. Ross: And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love? Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer? Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own. (Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey look at him.) Joey: Dude, are you okay? Ross: Totally. Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay. Ross (on the verge of tears): I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan. Charlie: Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off. Ross: No! Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely. Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel. Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay? Ross: Okay. Charlie: Alright. (Ross goes to the kitchen.) Charlie: God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so.. Rachel: Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me. Charlie: Bye. (Ross enters from the kitchen with three plates with flan.) Ross: Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed! Rachel: You know what, Ross? I think we're gonna take off too. Ross: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone. Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late... Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good. (The oven timer pings again.) Ross: I don't even know what that's for. (He goes back to the kitchen.) Joey: You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay. Rachel: Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning. Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this. Joey: It doesn't look good, does it? (They kiss each other on the cheek, and Rachel leaves.) [Scene: Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him.] Joey: Morning. Here you go. Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night? Joey: Yeah. Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes? Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen. Ross: What do you mean? Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly.. Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine! Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel. Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long? Joey: That's what I hear, yeah. Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel? Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know... Ross: Joey. Joey: I'm crazy about her. Ross: And she feels the same way? Joey: I think so. Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on. Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it. Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she? Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. Are you sure about this? Ross: Yeah, I'm sure. Joey: And we're okay? (Ross smiles and holds up his hand for a high-five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands. He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.) ENDING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.] Monica: Hey, Phoebs Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us. Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him. Monica: What? Phoebe: Still, he had to find out sometime. Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? (The triplets stare at him.) Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)

Monica and Chandler are having a lot of trouble figuring out the adoption process so Phoebe sends them to a couple who have adopted. Monica and Chandler meet them and Monica instantly gets along with the woman ( Kellie Waymire ); however, later Chandler casually mentions to their son ( Daryl Sabara ) that he was adopted only to find out that he didn't know about it. Chandler also tells him that Santa isn't real. The couple then kick out Monica and Chandler after finding out about both this and Chandler trying to bribe him. Rachel and Joey think Ross might have problems with their new relationship but he assures them he's fine. Ross invites Rachel and Joey on a double-date with him and Charlie. They agree but Ross gets drunk at the awkward date. Joey stays with Ross overnight to make sure he's okay and they talk. Ross realizes that he has been apart from Rachel for so long that he shouldn't stop Joey and Rachel's relationship. He does give Joey his blessing even though it still hurts him because they should see where the relationship is going. Phoebe hangs out with Frank Jr. ( Giovanni Ribisi ) and the triplets. The kids are driving Frank Jr. crazy and he offers Phoebe one of them. He comes to the realization that he could not possibly give up any of the children so Phoebe offers to babysit so Frank Jr. and Alice will have more time to relax. The episode ends with Chandler accidentally revealing to the triplets that Phoebe gave birth to them.

fd_The_Office_02x14

fd_The_Office_02x14_0

Ryan: [catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What? Jim: Oh, nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [again catching Jim looking at him] What? Jim: Oh, nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Spamster! Pam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus...? Michael: Hamster. Pam: Right. Michael: Welcome back! How was your vacation? Pam: It was great. Michael: Yeah? Pam: Mm-hm. Michael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck! Pam: What? Michael: Wow! What happened in there? Pam: I don't know. Michael: There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that? Pam: [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know. Michael: Is it a bird? Pam: No, I don't think it's a bird. Michael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet. Kevin: What's goin' on? Michael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. Kevin: [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit. Michael: Check it out. Kevin: Me? Michael: Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee. Kevin: Oh, that's ridiculous. Michael: What is it? Kevin: Michael. [tapping on door] Michael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is. Kevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long. Pam: Open the door up! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: It smelled terrible. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam and others: [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly] Michael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there. Toby: That's no burst pipe. Michael: How do you know that? What is it, then? Creed: Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office] Dwight: [coughing] It's still stinky. Michael: That is worse. Dwight: She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey! Welcome back! Pam: Thanks! Jim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot? Pam: A little. Jim: Good! What's goin' on here? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow. Pam: [giggles at Roy] Michael: [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet. Jim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer. Michael: Oh... It's ... Jim: But there's definitely a desk open in the back. Michael: [reluctantly] Yeah ... Jim: ...which I guess I'll be taking. Michael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing. Jim: No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, Kelly. Kelly: Are you moving back here? Jim: Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk. Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy. Jim: Allergy to... the desk? Kelly: [shaking head] Weird. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen. Dwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen. Michael: Don't ape me. Dwight: Okay. Michael: This is great. Dwight: Yeah! Michael: The pressures of my office are insane. Dwight: [agreeing] Mm. Michael: I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here. Dwight: No way! Michael: Yeah. Dwight: And who had your office? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know who used to sit at that desk? Dwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company? Michael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer. Dwight: No! Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I thought he was out on the road. Michael: He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes. Dwight: Ah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Stanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer? Michael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for? Michael: Charley horse! Creed: What? Michael: Charley horse! Creed: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael. Michael: Oh, okay. Gah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones... Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. Jim: It's the lever on the side. Ryan: That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves] Kelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Jim: No, I don't think I can... Kelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [whispering] Dwight. Dwight: [whispering] Michael. Michael: Let's send up Accounting. Dwight: What? Michael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey guys. Oscar: Hey, Michael. Michael: Ahem. What's up? Oscar: Hey, Dwight. Michael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules! Dwight: Yeah! [laughing] Michael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing] Dwight: Should we help 'em pick up their stuff? Michael: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that. Dwight: Okay. Michael: Watch out, Pam. You're next! Pam: You're gonna throw my things on the ground? Michael: Maybe! [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Michael: Stop. Dwight: Jethro Tull... Michael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't. Dwight: I need to make a sales call. Please? Michael: All right. Dwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon. Roy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe. Pam: Yeah, right. Roy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something. Pam: Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding? Roy: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hi, guys. Angela: We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit. Michael: I'm just walking around. Angela: Were you? Michael: Well, yeah. Oscar: It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael. Michael: Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good? Dwight: Yeah! Michael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we? Phyllis: You're gonna compete against us? Michael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on! Dwight: It is so on! Michael: God, this is gonna be fun. Dwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously] Darryl: [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing? Michael: [stops dance] Nothing. Roy: [laughing] I think he's dancing. Michael: No. Just ... Darryl: That was definitely not dancing. Michael: You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just... Darryl: Paper business. Michael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done? Roy: Nope. Michael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [to Oscar] Who do you think did it? Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you. Creed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today. Pam: That doesn't seem fair. Michael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage. Dwight: But you're the one who picked today. Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is. Michael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished. Pam: What's our punishment? Michael: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey! Ryan: What's up? Jim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward. Ryan: What? Jim: What do you think of Kelly? Ryan: I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool. Jim: Are you interested in her? Ryan: Yeah, totally. Jim: Really? Ryan: Did she say something? Jim: She said lots of things. Ryan: Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out? Jim: I have no idea. Ryan: Can you find out? Jim: Yeah. Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck? Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing? Michael: How would I know? Creed: I thought you might. Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him. Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. Michael: [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back. Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs? Michael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now. Ed: So, what's the problem with my pension? Michael: Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me. Ed: Well, what was done? Michael: I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible. Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office. Michael: Really? Ed: Yeah. Michael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you? Ed: You can't expect to be friends with everybody. Michael: Well... s-sure I can. Ed: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first. Michael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father. Ed: I'm not sure that ever happens. Michael: Well, okay. Different management styles. Ed: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney." [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone! Jim: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on phone] Yes. Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number? Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd! Michael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'? Todd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you? Michael: Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it? Packer: It was pretty big. Michael: Really? Packer: Yeah. Michael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it? Packer: Left it in the middle of your office. Michael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office? Roy: You mean the thing? Packer: [laughs uproariously] Michael: Are you kidding me? Oh! Packer: Special delivery! Michael: That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you. Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael. Michael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim's voicemail: You have seven unheard messages. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.

Michael discovers someone has defecated in his office. He suspects that one of his employees did it out of hate, leading him to begin resenting them. He later realizes that it was his "best friend," traveling salesman Todd Packer who did it, and instantly finds the humor in the action.

fd_Bones_04x04

fd_Bones_04x04_0

"The Finger in the Nest" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Special Agent Seeley Booth and his son, Parker, are walking through a park, talking. Booth has a football in his hands.) BOOTH: You know what the most beautiful thing in the world is? PARKER: Mom says a sunset. BOOTH: Okay, well, one of the most beautiful man-made things. PARKER: Mom says the Mona Lisa. BOOTH: Okay, look, all due respect to your mom, buddy, but a perfectly thrown spiral is way better than any of that stuff, okay, so let me show you how you do this. You put your hand up here like that, spread your fingers wide. PARKER: My hand's too small. BOOTH: It'll grow, alright? Okay, hand there to steady the ball. Lift it up to your ear. (Parker lifts the football up near his chin.) BOOTH: No, your ear, not your chin, silly. Alright. PARKER: What's it saying? BOOTH: It's saying, "Throw your old man a deep pass for a touchdown!" Hey! (Booth runs out to catch the football then runs back to tackle Parker.) BOOTH: What? What you got? Whoo! (They both go down and Parker looks up into the tree they're playing beneath.) PARKER: Hey, there's a bird's nest. BOOTH: Where? PARKER: There. BOOTH: Cool, huh? Hey, you want me to lift you up so you can see inside? PARKER: How about I knock it down with a perfect spiral? BOOTH: No, no, no... don't do that, you don't want to do that. That's somebody's home, okay, buddy? Something could be alive in there, okay? (Parker nods understanding.) BOOTH: So you want me to boost you up so you can see? PARKER: Sure. BOOTH: Alright, you ready? PARKER: Yeah. BOOTH: One, two, three and up. (Booth lifts Parker so he can see into the nest.) BOOTH: What do you see up there? PARKER: Higher, a little higher. BOOTH: Higher? Okay. (Parker looks into the nest.) PARKER: I see something. BOOTH: Well, if it's an egg, don't touch it because if the mommy bird comes back... PARKER: It's not an egg. BOOTH: What is it? (Parker lifts something out of the nest and looks at it.) PARKER: It's somebody's finger. (Cut to: Dr. Temperance Brennan driving in her car talking on her cell phone to Dr. Camille Saroyan who is in the Medico- Legal Lab platform, with Brennan on speakerphone, she's there with a new grad student, Mr. Scott Starret.) BRENNAN: He pulled the finger out of a bird's nest. CAM: Did he completely freak out? BRENNAN: Booth said Parker wanted to put it in his pocket and take it home. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform.) STARRET: When it comes to boys, that "snips and snails and puppy dog's tails" thing is pretty accurate. CAM: You have a son? STARRET: I have four. BRENNAN: (heard over the speakerphone) Mr. Starret is my oldest grad student. (Cut to: Brennan driving.) BRENNAN: Can you get a fingerprint? CAM: (heard over the speakerphone) Uh, not enough flesh. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform.) STARRET: There are scrapes on the bone and a jagged appearance here where it was severed. BRENNAN: (heard over the speakerphone) Well, it was probably chewed off by a wild animal. (Dr. Jack Hodgins enters the platform.) HODGINS: The sticky stuff on the finger turns out to be sap from a flowering Japanese Cherry. (Hodgins looks at Mr. Starret strangely, and then shakes a finger at him.) HODGINS: I know you from somewhere. (Mr. Starret looks Hodgins over and nods agreement.) STARRET: Right. I sold you a vintage '50s hot rod back in the mid-90s. You were clean shaven back then. HODGINS: Because I was a kid. BRENNAN: (heard over the speakerphone) But you drove a hot rod, Hodgins? HODGINS: No, I did not. The lemon he sold me broke down after a week. CAM: Body parts in park, mystery needs solving. HODGINS: (turns toward a computer and begins typing) The nest was made by a corvus brachyrhynchos. The American crow. (Cut to: Image of a black crow on a computer screen.) HODGINS: A crow will seldom stray more than twelve miles from its nest. STARRET: There's a spectacular copse of Japanese flowering Cherry at the Jefferson Memorial. HODGINS: How do you know? STARRET: Career number two: Parks supervisor. CAM: The Jefferson Memorial is eight miles from where Parker found the finger. BRENNAN: Good work, guys. (Hangs up her phone) HODGINS: I'd say "King of the Lab" but... that just depresses me. (Hodgins exits and Starret looks confusedly at Cam. She shakes her head.) CAM: Don't ask. (Cut to: Booth's office at the FBI building. Parker is sitting in Booth's chair at his desk and Booth and Dr. Lance Sweets are standing outside the office watching him.) SWEETS: A human finger? BOOTH: Yeah, a human finger, alright? Look, is my son going to be suffering from some kind of post-traumatic stress, you know like suppressed feelings, memories, all that hooey? SWEETS: Well, a child's brain can't process death as an end. You know, that's why we tell children that their deceased loved ones are looking down on us from heaven. BOOTH: Which they are. SWEETS: Yeah, it's an excellent coping technique. You know, grandma isn't worm food, she's simply moved on to a better place. BOOTH: Which she did. SWEETS: Yeah. Parker looks good to me. (Cut to: Parker playing with a baseball and glove.) BOOTH: So, you talk to him? SWEETS: "Hi, Parker, I'm Dr. Sweets. I'm a psychologist and I'm here to talk to you about the human finger that you found." BOOTH: That's great. Could you do that? SWEETS: No. That could introduce issues that don't currently exist. Just call me if he displays any symptoms of distress. BOOTH: Okay, any symptoms of distress. Like um, killing cats? SWEETS: Yeah, sure. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan, Booth is sitting in the SUV while Brennan leans against it. Lights are flashing around them, obviously at a crime scene near the Jefferson Memorial.) BRENNAN: When I was five years old, I went next door to visit our neighbor, Mrs. Walkey, and she was dead; sitting at the kitchen table. And I'm alright. BOOTH: You spend your life with skeletons. It's just a matter of time. He's just a kid. He's gonna realize that he had a dead finger in his hand. He's gonna freak out. BRENNAN: Are you afraid you're going to get into trouble with Rebecca? BOOTH: There's a chance that he might not say anything to her. BRENNAN: So, yes. FBI AGENT: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? FBI AGENT: We found something. (Booth gets out of the car and shuts the door.) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan with flashlights walk into a copse of trees.) BOOTH: Okay, what have you got? (Cut to: An opossum chewing on a corpse.) BOOTH: Whoa! BRENNAN: Aww, it's an opossum. BOOTH: Eating a body. Should I shoot it? BRENNAN: No. No, no, no. Opossums are scared of humans. Here! (Walks toward the opossum, tucking her flashlight under her arm, and starts clapping her hands.) Shoo, shoo, shoo. Shoo, shoo. Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. Shoo, shoo. C'mon, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. (Opossum walking slowly off.) BOOTH: Yeah, they're terrified. (Brennan returns to the corpse and looks down at it.) BRENNAN: A number of body parts are missing. We'll have to grid the vicinity. BOOTH: Okay, we'll re-calibrate the search, and we'll call this ground zero. BRENNAN: Fanny pack, PDA clip. BOOTH: Well, if you can identify this person, I can subpoena the PDA's contents. BRENNAN: Partial skull. BOOTH: (Shines his flashlight around the area and lands on the opossum.) Oh, look at that. The possum's dead. (Eyes brighten with an idea.) I got it! The victim was poisoned, the possum ate the victim, got poisoned and died. That's it. BRENNAN: (walks over to the opossum while explaining to Booth) A stressed-out opossum can go into a false sleep, lasting up to four hours. (Picks up the opossum by the tail, and it starts moving shortly after.) BOOTH: Oh. So the possum was faking it? BRENNAN: Uh-huh. (Puts the opossum down and it walks off.) BOOTH: Wow. Yep, there it goes. BRENNAN: Uh, you should go get him. BOOTH: What do I look like, Ranger Rick? BRENNAN: He could have evidence in his digestive tract. BOOTH: C'mon, Bones. BRENNAN: Booth, evidence. BOOTH: Fine, I'll go get your possum. BRENNAN: Opossum. BOOTH: Possum. BRENNAN: Opossum. ACT ONE (Open on: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Mr. Starret and Cam are examining the remains found near the Jefferson Memorial.) STARRET: The sternal rib end indicates the victim was between 35 and 40 years old. The length of the long bones suggests he was between five-foot-eight and five-ten. CAM: He? STARRET: Bone density and skull indicators suggest male. CAM: Time of death... approximately four days ago. Lividity indicates that he died somewhere else and was then dumped. Deep puncture wounds to the trachea pierced the jugular. He bled to death. STARRET: I'll make an impression of the wounds, and see if we can't specify a murder weapon. CAM: First we look for particulates. (Cut to: Hodgins looking in a microscope, Sweets is standing nearby.) HODGINS: Bull pen1s. SWEETS: Beg your pardon? HODGINS: The fanny pack had dandruff-sized flakes of bull pen1s in it. (Sits back from the microscope and looks at Sweets) Why are you spying on me? SWEETS: Could it be because I'm the dupe of an organ of the shadowy forces that secretly run this country? HODGINS: You got the dupe part right. (Looks back into the microscope) Freeze dried bovine phallus. SWEETS: You know where to find me if you wish to discuss anything. HODGINS: Yeah, the problem isn't finding you-it's avoiding you. Hm. SWEETS: Okay. (Sweets exits.) (Cut to: Angela's office. Angela is at the computer while Starret and Cam look over her shoulders.) ANGELA: The skull was badly mangled, so I was only able to construct a partial. But I cross-checked physiological markers against the missing persons database and it yielded three possibilities. Okay. Robert Sanchez, 24... STARRET: Too young. ANGELA: Michael Minden, former basketball coach, thirty-nine. STARRET: Too tall. ANGELA: That leaves Dr. Seth Elliot, veterinarian, thirty-seven. CAM: Any objections to Dr. Elliot? STARRET: He falls into the parameters. Plus, dog trainers use freeze dried bull penises as rewards. He was a veterinarian. ANGELA: H-how do you know about the bull pen1s stuff? CAM: He's middle-aged and he's held every possible job. STARRET: Four boys, seven dogs, fourteen guinea pigs, one reticulated python... you get the point. ANGELA: I got it. (Cut to: Conference room at the FBI building. Booth and Brennan are questioning the ex-wife of the victim, Alice Elliot.) ALICE: Oh, God. I've always hated that fanny pack. That's blood on it, isn't it? What happened? BRENNAN: Mrs. Elliot, when did you last speak with your husband? ALICE: Ex-husband. On Thursday, we made arrangements for Seth to pick up Brando. We have joint custody. BOOTH: And Brando is... (A small dog pokes it's head out of a bag on Alice's lap) your cat. BRENNAN: That's a dog, Booth. BOOTH: I... Thank you. So, uh... Seth Elliot never picked up Fido. BRENNAN: Brando. BOOTH: The dog? ALICE: Seth's dead, isn't he? BOOTH: I'm afraid so. (Alice starts to cry and hugs the dog.) BRENNAN: May I hold your dog while you cry? (Alice hands over the dog and Brennan grins.) Oh, he's so compact. (The dog is making small yipping and growling noises.) ALICE: Brando adored Seth. So did I. BOOTH: Wow, not so many ex-wives speak so fondly of their former husbands. ALICE: I never wanted to divorce Seth. BRENNAN: Then why did you? ALICE: You know, Seth had a serious gambling problem. He would either lose our car payment, or he would come home with diamond earrings. And when he lost our house, filing for divorce was supposed to be a wakeup call. BOOTH: And he never woke up. ALICE: No. BOOTH: Listen, do you have the bookie's name? ALICE: No, ask Karen. BOOTH AND BRENNAN: (Together) Who's Karen? (Cut to: Dr. Elliot's office. Booth and Brennan are talking with Karen Landrew, Dr. Elliot's assistant.) KAREN: (Crying) I've been Dr. Elliot's assistant, receptionist, whatever, for like eight months. Murder? BRENNAN: His remains were found in the Jefferson Memorial park. KAREN: Oh my God, poor Seth. I don't know what'll happen to this place now. BRENNAN: Was it doing well? KAREN: We made barely enough to pay the rent, cover his salary, mine and... and the kid who sweeps up. BRENNAN: So no, not very well. KAREN: Seth didn't tell me everything, but I could sense he was under a lot of pressure. He tossed and turned all night. BOOTH: So you slept together? KAREN: He's divorced, I'm single. There's nothing enervating about it. BRENNAN: Oh, for future reference, that word doesn't mean what you think. BOOTH: Look, are you aware that Dr. Elliot had a gambling problem? KAREN: That was Seth's one fault. BOOTH: We'd like to talk to his bookie, if you know where he is. KAREN: I don't think that's how Seth gambled. BRENNAN: How did he gamble? KAREN: Online poker, mostly. BOOTH: Can you think of anything else? KAREN: Well, just after I started here, Seth caught a guy stealing drugs. He-He wrestled him to the ground, called the cops. Everyone said Seth was a hero. BRENNAN: What kind of drugs? KAREN: Ketamine. It's an animal tranquilizer. An-and the guy went to prison. Do you think he killed Seth for revenge? BOOTH: You know, thank you for your help. We're really sorry for your loss. Come on, Bones. KAREN: Without Seth, I'm paralyzed. I don't know how I'll find the energy to go on. BRENNAN: Now that is what "enervating" means. BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: What? (They exit.) (Cut to: Booth and Brennan driving. Brennan has a laptop open on her lap, Booth is driving.) BRENNAN: Okay. Tucker Payne. He was found guilty of stealing drugs from Dr. Elliot's vet clinic. Sentenced to two years and he was paroled one month ago. BOOTH: I'll have the drug thief's parole officer bring him in for questioning. Okay? (Brennan's phone rings and she answers it.) BRENNAN: Brennan. (Scene cuts back and forth between the Medico-Legal lab where Cam, Starret and Hodgins are and the car where Booth and Brennan are.) CAM: Dr. Brennan, Hodgins found saliva. BRENNAN: (Heard over the speakerphone) Where? CAM: On the victim. BRENNAN: But why was Hodgins looking for saliva? HODGINS: I wasn't looking for saliva. I found it. (Hodgins heard over the speakerphone.) Giant difference. BOOTH: Whoa, easy pal, watch your tone. BRENNAN: I don't care about tone, I just care about results. (Cam holding up a finger to quiet Hodgins while she speaks.) CAM: Dr. Hodgins was looking for particulates on the mandible and vertebrate that might lead to a murder weapon when he found saliva. HODGINS: There was enough saliva in the wounds to run a DNA profile. BOOTH: Well, it had to be the possum, right? STARRET: Uh, the puncture wounds indicate something larger. BOOTH: Hey, who's that? HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) A fraudulent used car salesman. CAM: Booth, meet Mr. Starret. HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) I ran the standard eight nuclear markers for canids... BOOTH: Canids? What's that, like some kind of bug? STARRET: Not a bug, Agent Booth. HODGINS: Canis lupus familiaris. See how annoying that interrupting know-it-all used car salesman thing can be? BOOTH: I'm sorry, w-what is a can-ass familiar-ass... BRENNAN: Domestic dog. CAM: Seth Elliot was killed by a dog with filed teeth. ACT TWO (Cut to: Conference room in the FBI building. Booth interrogating Tucker Payne who is accompanied by his pit bull, Schatzi.) BOOTH: Tucker Felix Payne. You really must hate your parents for naming you that. TUCKER: It's a good name. Felix means "lucky." BOOTH: Assault, possession of various restricted weapons, various drug offenses. You don't seem so lucky. TUCKER: You should see the stuff they didn't get me on. BOOTH: Was it good luck that got you taken down by a veterinarian? TUCKER: I was so high I could have been taken down by a florist. BOOTH: Yeah, the vet is dead. You get paroled, vet turns up murdered. You see where I'm going with this? Make your dog bark? TUCKER: You told me to bring Schatzi so you could hear him bark? BOOTH: Schatzi? TUCKER: It means "treasure" in German. BOOTH: Yeah, I want to hear Schatzi bark. TUCKER: Gib laut! (Schatzi barks twice.) BOOTH: I can't see its teeth. Want to show me his teeth? (Booth takes his gun out and places it on the table. Tucker shows Booth the dog's teeth, Shatzi growls.) Why do you file its teeth down to points? TUCKER: I'm a drug dealer. You people catch me with a gun, I go away forever. BOOTH: Shatzi your choice of weapon? TUCKER: Never had to use him yet. Were you really going to shoot my dog? BOOTH: I got nothing against your dog. (Booth picks up his gun and puts it back in his holster.) I was going to shoot you. See, I'm going to take your dog. (Hands Tucker a warrant.) TUCKER: Aww, man. You got a warrant for my dog? BOOTH: Mm hmm. TUCKER: That's cold. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Cam and Starret are going over results.) STARRET: Per your instructions, I microsiled the lethal bite mark. See here? (Points to bite marks on a bloody mandible.) CAM: An irregularity in the wound track. STARRET: Yes. I took an impression of Shatzi's bite. CAM: Who's Schatzi? STARRET: (Schatzi barks in a cage behind them.) Drug dealer's dog. (Turns to the dog and points.) Sejet sch n brav! (Turns back to Cam.) He responds to German commands. CAM: Very intimidating. STARRET: The dog that killed Dr. Elliot has a pronounced crack in its canine tooth. And the neighboring bicuspid shows a slab fracture. Very distinct. CAM: So Schatzi's not our killer. STARRET: Schatzi is innocent. (Shatzi barks again and the phone rings, Cam picks up.) CAM: Hey, Hodgins. (Scene cuts back and forth between the lab and the examination area where Hodgins and other FBI forensic crewmen are examining a car.) HODGINS: City police found the vet's car. A forensics crew is going through it now. Booth wanted me to make sure they didn't screw things up. (A forensic crewman gives Hodgins a look, and Hodgins shrugs.) Hey, deal with it. CAM: (Heard over the speakerphone) Well, I hope you find something, 'cause this puppy's innocent. HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) Yeah, well we're finding gobs of dried blood. CAM: It's a vet's vehicle-could be from one of his patients. STARRET: It's not. HODGINS: (Heard over the speakerphone.) Don't listen to him. You'll end up buying this blood-soaked heap for three times its value. STARRET: I worked as a vet's assistant in college when I was studying to be and EMT. We were as careful with blood as any human doctor. HODGINS: You ever think this vet didn't live up to your high standards? STARRET: (Heard over the speakerphone.) Most likely, the car was used to transport the victim's body, and then dumped. CAM: (Heard over the speakerphone.) That does make more sense. HODGINS: I found... (the forensic crewman clears his throat and gives Hodgins a look) Excuse me. The crack FBI team found a prescription bottle of arithromyacin. CAM: That's not an animal drug. That's a macrolide antibiotic used for a number of conditions. STARRET: Including acne and STDs. (Cam nods and gives him a questioning look. He holds up his hands.) Four boys. CAM: (Heard over the speakerphone) Maybe we got lucky and the bad guy dropped his prescription. HODGINS: Bottle reads "Donald Timmons." STARRET: (Heard over the speakerphone.) We should track him down. HODGINS: Wow, that is an absolutely wonderful idea that could only have sprung from a time-tempered mind of a man with your life's experience ripping off unsuspecting car enthusiasts. FBI FORENSIC CREWMAN: I feel better. You treat everyone like crap. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan driving up to a run-down shack with lots of machinery. Two dogs are sitting outside.) BOOTH: Wow, look at that pit, huh? Muscles like cantaloupes. (Pit bull starts barking.) BRENNAN: (Goes for the door handle to get out of the car.) Is that why we're not getting out? BOOTH: No, it's the country, Bones. They got a different way of doing things. BRENNAN: You're afraid of the dog. BOOTH: No, I'm not. What you do in the country is you sit in your car and you wait. It's rural-polite. Parker had a nightmare. BRENNAN: About severed fingers? BOOTH: No, it was a singing frog. BRENNAN: I don't see the connection. But then I'm one of those people who thinks that if you dream about a banana, it's probably just a banana. BOOTH: He's acting up in school, he's talking back to his mom, he's not flushing the toilet. BRENNAN: He's a boy. BOOTH: Okay, yeah. I get it. You saw a whole lady's corpse when you were a little girl, and you were fine. BRENNAN: Yes. Although, for some reason that I do not understand, I kept staging my own death. Pretending that I drowned in the bathtub, faking electrical shock. It really freaked my parents out. And then once when Russ found me hanging he had to go see the school psychologist. BOOTH: But otherwise you were fine? BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH: Yeah, okay. Do you dream about bananas a lot? BRENNAN: Why? (Booth shrugs and a man comes out of the building. Brennan nods toward the man.) Can we get out of the car now? (Booth and Brennan get out of the car.) BOOTH: Quiet. Don Timmons? DON: Why you just waiting in the car? Gladys wouldn't hurt you. BOOTH: FBI Special Agent Booth. This here is my associate, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Do you know Dr. Seth Elliot? DON: Sure I do. Went to high school with him. He's my vet. Why? BOOTH: He was murdered. DON: Oh, man. (He turns toward the building and shouts.) Robbie. Hey, Robbie! ROBBIE: (Exits the building and walks toward them.) What's up? DON: Seth died. ROBBIE: What happened? DON: This is the FBI, they say he got murdered. This is my boy Robbie. He used to work for Seth part-time. BRENNAN: Can you think of a reason why Dr. Elliot's car would be full of blood? ROBBIE: No, no. It's not like he ran an animal ambulance or something. BOOTH: You ever ride in his car, Mr. Timmons? DON: No, never. Why? (Brennan brings out the prescription Hodgins found in an evidence bag and hands it to Don.) ROBBIE: When it's bagged like that, it means it's evidence, Dad. It's not his. It's mine. DON: Robbie. ROBBIE: Dad, it's a murder investigation. They don't care about insurance. I'm too old to be on my dad's insurance. BOOTH: He got the prescription under your name. BRENNAN: But that's fraud. DON: That's working around a system that doesn't care about people like us. Listen, I'm the father. Robbie shouldn't be held responsible. BOOTH: How about you? You been in Dr. Elliot's car recently? ROBBIE: Last... last time was on the weekend. We did a gelding over at Danny Oliver's place. BRENNAN: What about Tuesday night? Where were you? ROBBIE: I was at my tutor's. I'm trying to get my GED. (Gladys brings a squeaky toy to Brennan and she bends down and pets her.) BRENNAN: Hi. DON: Robbie's going to go to medical school if it kills both of us. ROBBIE: I was kind of thinking I'd be a vet. DON: Yeah, well that's a good backup if you crap out on medical school. BOOTH: We're going to need the tutor's name, address, all that stuff. DON: It's Andrew Hopp. He'll vouch for Robbie. BRENNAN: Gladys is a very nice animal. ROBBIE: Yeah. Dad really trained her great. DON: Gladys, come. Sit. Lay down. What? (Scratches at his ear and Gladys barks.) BOOTH: Well, that's impressive. DON: No sense in owning a dog if you can't control it. BRENNAN: (To Booth.) Gladys teeth are not filed. ROBBIE: What? BOOTH: Oh, Dr. Elliot was killed by a dog with sharpened teeth. (Brennan throws the squeaky toy.) BOOTH: Bones, what are you doing? Enough playing with the dog. BRENNAN: What? ROBBIE: Seth was murdered by a dog? BRENNAN: The murderer was a human being, the murder weapon was a dog. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT THREE (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab platform. Hodgins looking into a microscope and Sweets standing nearby once again.) HODGINS: Back to this, are we? You staring at me? SWEETS: Well, I have concerns, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: About me? SWEETS: Yeah, you seem to have completely abandoned your paranoid conspiracy theories. HODGINS: I'm not a trained psychologist, like you, but that sounds like a good thing. (Picks up the phone and dials Cam.) Dr. Saroyan, I've found something important I need to show you. (Hangs up.) SWEETS: Conspiracy was the central idea around which you organized your sense of self. Also, I can't help but note that you're not paying quite so much attention to your personal appearance. HODGINS: Less paranoid and less vain. Again, that sounds like a good thing. SWEETS: These kinds of changes in a man's life indicate intense distress. Would you like to discuss this with me? HODGINS: I'd rather drive a motorcycle full speed into a bridge abutment. SWEETS: Do you, uh... do you often entertain suicidal thoughts? HODGINS: No, I'm more homicidal in nature. SWEETS: Pretty sure you're not saying that in earnest, but as a way to keep me at arm's length. (Cam enters.) CAM: I'm here, what's up? HODGINS: (To Sweets.) Oh, do you mind? I have work to do. SWEETS: You need to talk about these things, Dr. Hodgins. If not with me, then with someone else. Dr. Saroyan. (Sweets exits.) CAM: What have you got? HODGINS: Oh, uh, I found some particulates that the geniuses at FBI forensics missed. CAM: From the victim's car? HODGINS: Crushed exoskeletons of copeopods and other crustaceans. CAM: Ah HODGINS: (After Cam's confused expression.) Yeah, I don't know what that means either. CAM: So, you called me over here to... HODGINS: Make Sweets go away. CAM: Not an appropriate use of your boss, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: It worked, didn't it? (Cut to: Brennan's office at the Jeffersonian. Booth and Brennan are walking into the office with Andrew Hopp.) BOOTH: Thanks for coming into the Jeffersonian, Dr. Hopp. HOPP: I'm not a doctor yet. I'm only a third year medical student. BRENNAN: So, you tutor Robbie Timmons? HOPP: Yeah, twice a week-here's a complete record of our meetings. (He pulls out a piece of paper and goes to hand it to Brenann but Booth snatches it.) BOOTH: I'll take that. Thanks. (Booth looks down on a small pillow with parallel stitches in it that Hopp is holding.) BOOTH: You, do a little, uh, needlepoint on the side? BRENNAN: It's used to practice suturing. HOPP: Yeah, next year we use actual corpses. BOOTH: So what is, uh, Robbie like? HOPP: He's a good kid-I mean, he's never going to be what his dad wants, but he tries hard. (An alarm beeps on his cell.) I'm sorry, I have to run. I got a class. (They begin walking out of the office, following Hopp.) BOOTH: Did you ever meet Dr. Elliot? HOPP: The vet that Robbie worked for? The one who got murdered? Yeah. BOOTH: I take it you didn't like him, huh? HOPP: Uh, I was raised not to speak ill of the dead. BOOTH: Yeah, well I was raised to ask questions like that, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist. HOPP: (Sighs.) I met him maybe twice, and I'm pretty sure he was tweaking. BRENNAN: W-what's that? BOOTH: He was a meth addict. HOPP: I'm just not sure Seth Elliot was the best role model for...for Robbie Timmons, that's all. BRENNAN: Did Robbie Timmons' father know? HOPP: No way, Old Don's a pretty straight arrow. Robbie's his main project, so... BOOTH: Well, thanks for coming in. HOPP: Hey, thanks for letting me see this place. It's legendary. (Hopp exits.) (Cut to: Angela's office. Angela is at her computer and Booth and Brennan are standing behind her looking over her shoulders.) BOOTH: It's dogfighting. ANGELA: (Scrolling through pictures of various dogs fighting.) I hate this job, so I'm quitting to go run a gallery in Dubai. BRENNAN: Oh, it's just disgusting. ANGELA: Yeah, we got the subpoena to download Dr. Elliot's PDA records from the server. BOOTH: These were on his PDA? ANGELA: Time-stamped the day of his death. BRENNAN: (Pointing to a picture.) Fighting pit, spectators. A rape stand used to restrain uncooperative females. The smaller cages are for bait-small animals used as rewards for the winners. BOOTH: They teach you that in anthropology school? BRENNAN: Pitting animals against each other is a common pastime in evolving cultures where violence is more commonplace and animal life has no value. ANGELA: To men. No value to men. BRENNAN: Yes, it's always men. BOOTH: Here we go again. Okay, you two don't get all, you know, Xena: Princess Warrior on me, okay? I guess we know now where Elliot liked to do his gambling. BRENNAN: Wait, Ange, go back. (Points to an area on the picture on the screen.) Right there, can you magnify that? ANGELA: What, that blob? BRENNAN: There's something familiar. That's Glady's ball. ANGELA: Who's Gladys? BOOTH: Could be enough for me to get a warrant if the judge had a glass of wine or two at lunch. ANGELA: Dubai, people. I'm going to go sell Inuit art to gazillionaires. (Cut to: FBI Building. Sweets is on the computer, typing when there's a knock and Booth enters towing Parker behind him.) BOOTH: Hey, Sweets. You got a minute for me and Parker here? SWEETS: Wow, there you are, actually right here in my office without an appointment or... Hi, Parker. I'm Dr. Sweets. PARKER: His face doesn't look like a baby's behind. BOOTH: (Covers Parker's ears with his hands.) Look, okay, he's having nightmares. He's uh, not eating. He doesn't want to go to school and suddenly, he's afraid of meteors. SWEETS: Giant flaming rocks from outer space. Who wouldn't be afraid? PARKER: You know I can still hear you. BOOTH: Okay, hum, hum, okay, got it? Hum. (Parker starts humming.) I know all this is connected to him finding that finger. SWEETS: I'm not some radio advice hack who performs diagnoses over the phone. BOOTH: This is exactly why I brought him here in person-cure him. SWEETS: No. It doesn't really work that way. Therapy with a child is... PARKER: (As Booth lets go of him.) Ah, I thought I was going to run out of breath. BOOTH: Yeah, I'm going to run out of breath when I run upstairs to get that warrant from that senile judge. Ten, fifteen minutes? Is that good enough time? Okay, see you! Bye, have fun! (While Sweets shakes his head Booth runs out of the office and shuts the door behind him) PARKER: (Sits down on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.) Are you my babysitter? SWEETS: (Sits down across from Parker.) Parker. That is exactly what I am. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Cam and Hodgins walking through the lab to a workstation.) CAM: The judge said no. Glady's ball wasn't enough for a warrant. HODGINS: Why? CAM: Because over two million of them were sold last year. HODGINS: Well, we did our best. Next case. CAM: We need evidence that the Timmons' place was used for dogfighting. HODGINS: Alright, well, I found crustaceous material in the victim's car. It's an antifungal treatment used on Astroturf. CAM: That doesn't link us with dogfighting, either. ANGELA: (Approaches and nods.) Yeah, it does. (Cut to: Angela's office. Scrolling through more pictures of dogfighting.) ANGELA: Ick. (Next picture.) Ew. (Next picture.) Blugh. (Next picture.) Alright, here we go. Brennan said that this was the dogfighting ring. (Magnifies a picture of the ground.) HODGINS: So, it's Astroturf. CAM: If this Astroturf cleaning stuff was delivered to the Timmons' place, that should get us a warrant. HODGINS: (To Angela.) You're a genius. ANGELA: No, you're the genius. (Awkward silence ensues. Then Cam and Hodgins exit.) (Cut to: Timmons' place. Booth exits the SUV and starts rattling off instructions as he heads back to greet Mr. Cesar Millan.) BOOTH: Okay, people, what we're looking for is evidence of a dogfighting operation. Mr. Millan, thank you so much for coming. CESAR: I hope I can help. BRENNAN: I've seen you on TV. CESAR: Thank you. BRENNAN: No, I only stated a fact-there's nothing inherently complimentary about being on television. BOOTH: She's happy you're here, and so am I. DON: (Exits the building looking angry.) What the hell's going on here? BOOTH: (Hands an agent the warrant.) You know what? Serve him this warrant, tell them we're looking for Astroturf. BRENNAN: So, where do we look first? BOOTH: Start with the larger outbuildings. C'mon. (Cut to: Cesar, Booth and Brennan walking around the buildings.) CESAR: You don't hurt the ones you love. You don't send the ones you love to their death for entertainment. (Brennan stops and looks into a holding pen.) BOOTH: You must really hate these guys. CESAR: I really do. BOOTH: (Watching Brennan as she steps into the pen and looks at freshly turned dirt.) What is it? BRENNAN: He said that the dogs fight to their death. So we should have expected this. (Dog bones are sticking out of the soil.) It's a mass grave. These seem to be all dog bones, but there's other stuff too; some trash, betting slips. BOOTH: We'll send it all back to the Jeffersonian. See if we can trace the betting slips. Find these people and charge them. BRENNAN: Yes, that would make me feel a bit better if we did that. CESAR: (Calling from inside a nearby building.) Agent Booth, we found something. (Cut to: Cesar, Booth and Brennan walking inside the building, looking around.) BOOTH: Yep, dogfighting ring. The Astroturf. BRENNAN: It's just like the pictures on Elliot's PDA. BOOTH: Find any dogs? CESAR: Yes, quite a few in fact. (Cesar opens a door to reveal several dogs chained up on the other side. They all stand up and start barking at them.) CESAR: Shhht. Hey. Shhht. (Snaps his fingers and motions them down.) Shhhh. Down. (The dogs all lie down.) BRENNAN: How does he do that? BOOTH: He's the dog whisperer. (Booth snaps and tries to imitate the sound Cesar makes.) BRENNAN: You didn't do anything. (Cut to: FBI Building interrogation room. Booth is questioning Don Timmons.) BOOTH: Dogfighting ring, the remains of a dozen dead dogs. And you're gonna tell me all that happened a hundred yards from your house and you had no idea what was going on? DON: I never go to the barn. I, uh, I rent it out. (Pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Booth.) BOOTH: (Stares at Don for a minute before picking up the paper and reading it. Scoffs.) Numbered company. Don't tell me. They pay cash and you never met the tenant. DON: That's right. As far as I know, they use it for storage. BOOTH: How involved was Dr. Elliot. DON: I have no idea what you're talking about. BOOTH: He owe you money, or maybe you just wanted a bigger cut. DON: Let me go, or get me my lawyer. BOOTH: Whatever happened, you know what? Four days ago, you snapped. You had one of your trained dogs attack him. DON: Four days ago? I'm a driller, Agent Booth. I dig wells mostly, some pylon holes. Four days ago I was at an auger seminar in Chicago. BOOTH: Can you corroborate that? DON: Airplane tickets, hotel receipts, about sixty eyewitnesses. See, I'm kind of the life of the party at those things. I know how to organize a good time. BOOTH: Just like you know how to organize a dogfighting ring. DON: I don't know anything about what goes on down at that barn. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Dogs are everywhere contained in cages. Cesar and Brennan are looking at the dogs.) CESAR: Hey, stop that now. BRENNAN: Could I see your teeth please? CESAR: That's not how you do it. (Motions down with his hand.) Shht. Down. (Opens the cage door.) Down. (Takes the dog by the head and lifts his lip so that Brennan can compare a molding to its teeth.) BRENNAN: No, it's not a match. CESAR: That mold you made, it's like Cinderella's slipper. BRENNAN: That story never made sense to me, but yes. (Another dog starts barking at Brennan.) BRENNAN: Hey, stop that now. (Tries to make the same noises as Cesar to calm the dog.) CESAR: It's not as easy as it looks. Shht. Down. (They open the cage door and compare the mold to the dog's tooth.) BRENNAN: It's a match. CESAR: Are you positive? BRENNAN: This is the killer dog, yes. CESAR: I'm sorry, buddy. (Pets the dog.) So sorry, buddy. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Hodgins and Starret are sifting through evidence on an exam table.) STARRET: Should I be looking out for anything in particular? HODGINS: Yeah, flashy crap you can sell to a gullible kid. STARRET: I didn't sell you that car, you bought it. You saw those horizontal scallops and you just had to have it. I suggested that you look under the hood, but all you did was sit behind the wheel and make vroom-vroom noises. HODGINS: I was twenty years old. STARRET: All these years later you're still blaming me? You're not twenty anymore, Dr. Hodgins, so cut it out. HODGINS: You know...(Long pause as he gets angry, then realizes his mistake.) I'm sorry. I just... (Puts his head in his hands.) I've just been having a lot of problems recently. STARRET: I'm sorry to hear that. HODGINS: My best friend who used to work here with me, he got himself into a lot of trouble. I really miss the guy. STARRET: Dr. Hodgins... HODGINS: You know Angela? She and I, we were engaged to be married, and well, that went south too. STARRET: That's a lot to bear... especially if you feel responsible. HODGINS: Yeah, I do. I do feel responsible. STARRET: You shouldn't be talking to me. HODGINS: Of course not, I'm sorry. STARRET: What I mean is; I'm not the right person for you to confide in. This is my last day here. I leave for a dig in Arizona tomorrow. HODGINS: Oh. STARRET: There are people around here to seem to like you very much. People who are concerned with your happiness. (He roots around in the evidence and brings out a small microchip.) What's this? HODGINS: It's a computer chip. Pet owners have them embedded in their animals in case of theft or loss. But, you knew that. Didn't you? (Cut to: Sweet's office. He's laying on the couch reading a magazine when Booth enters.) BOOTH: I got a message that you have something to tell me about Parker. SWEETS: Uh,yeah, yeah. Uh, you were right. Parker is traumatized. (Booth looks dejected and flops into a chair with a sigh.) Uh, it has nothing to do with the finger in the nest. BOOTH: Huh? SWEETS: Um, he has a girl problem. BOOTH: Girl? He's six. SWEETS: Uh huh. The girl, her name is Stephanie Clyde. She's somewhat large. Likes to pick him up and carry him around. BOOTH: Carry him under her arm? SWEETS: Like a pet monkey. He doesn't know what to do. He says you told him never to hit girls. BOOTH: I told him never to hit anyone. You know, unless it was for self defense. She, uh, carries him around? SWEETS: Like a monkey. At recess. She thinks he's cute. BOOTH: What about the finger? SWEETS: Parker actually wishes that you'd let him have the finger. So he could show it to Stephanie and maybe make her barf. BOOTH: Why doesn't he just run away? SWEETS: Well, when I suggested that, he told me very proudly that his father never ran away from anything. BOOTH: (Laughs.) Proudly? He said that? SWEETS: I think you know what to do. I mean, we've all had our Stephanie Clydes, right? BOOTH: No one's ever carried me around like a monkey, especially a girl. SWEETS: Of course not, me neither. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Cam examining the dog that had the matching tooth, revealing a wound.) CAM: This is exactly where the microchip would be embedded. (Starret takes the serial number off the microchip and it loads in the computer.) STARRET: Ten digits. HODGINS: The FBI can use it to track down Ripley's owner. CAM: If it's his microchip. (Cut to: Dr. Elliot's office. Booth and Brennan hand Karen Landrew a case file.) KAREN: Ripley? BRENNAN: According to the American Veterinary Identification Device database, his owners brought him here. BOOTH: To be put to sleep. KAREN: It's true. You know why? BOOTH: Why? KAREN: Because they didn't know when they bought him that he'd get so big. BRENNAN: You didn't euthanize Ripley. KAREN: Seth couldn't do it. The dog was completely healthy. Instead he found Ripley a new home. BOOTH: Where? KAREN: That, I don't know. BRENNAN: Ripley ended up at a dogfighting facility run by Don Timmons. KAREN: No. Seth devoted his life to saving dogs. He simply wouldn't do that. Not on purpose. ACT FOUR (Cut to: Brennan's office. She's sitting on the couch looking at her computer with Ripley when Booth enters.) BOOTH: Hey, Bones. Don Timmons' alibi checked out. He was in Chicago... (Trails off when he sees Ripley.) Whoa, what are you doing? BRENNAN: I'm just going through the case to see if I missed anything. BOOTH: Uh, the dog should be, you know, in the cage. He killed Seth Elliot. BRENNAN: It's not his fault. He's actually a very nice dog, aren't you? He reminds me of you. BOOTH: Me? BRENNAN: He's got warm and reassuring brown eyes, and he's capable of great violence. BOOTH: Hey, great. Thanks a million. (Starts to walk out.) BRENNAN: Wait, Booth, look at this cruelty. They send dogs into fight, to die or be hurt, and then they stitch them back up and they send them out to fight again. You know, we've been assuming that it's been Seth Elliot doctoring these dogs. BOOTH: Well, he was a vet. BRENNAN: But look... (magnifies a picture of a stitched wound) common suture stitch. See here how it's uneven in the same way, and then there's an "x" at the end? BOOTH: So? BRENNAN: It's distinctive. And I've seen it before. (Cut to: Barn where the dogfighting took place. Booth and Brennan are comparing the pillow Hopp used to practice his stitches with the photograph of the stitched wound. Don, Hopp and Robbie are standing nearby.) BRENNAN: Common suture, uneven..."x" at the end. Same thing. It's like a fingerprint. BOOTH: (To Hopp.) The thread is green nylon. You'd better believe we'll match it. HOPP: Stitching up wounded animals isn't a crime. ROBBIE: What's going on? HOPP: Just everybody shut up, and we'll be fine. (Cesar enters with Ripley on a leash.) BOOTH: Everyone, this is Ripley. BRENNAN: He killed Dr.Elliot. DON: None of us ever saw that dog before. BRENNAN: Well, we can tie Andy here to all of these wounded animals and to Ripley. ROBBIE: Is that that guy from TV who talks to dogs. CESAR: Yes. BOOTH: You see, we want to know who sicced Ripley here on Seth Elliot. BRENNAN: We don't need you. We know you were in Chicago. CESAR: (To Robbie.) Would you mind clapping, like this? (Claps twice.) HOPP: No we won't do that. DON: Do it Robbie. ROBBIE: What? DON: You're not his master, do it. (Robbie claps twice and there is no reaction from Ripley.) CESAR: It's not him. (Booth walks behind Hopp and claps twice. Ripley comes running and sits at Hopp's feet.) BOOTH: Look at that. BRENNAN: He's waiting for your command. HOPP: May... maybe my dog killed Dr. Elliot, but that doesn't mean I made him do it. DON: Ripley's a good dog. He wouldn't attack unless he was ordered. (To Robbie.) Tell these people what you know about Seth Elliot. HOPP: Robbie... ROBBIE: I-I saw it. Andy told Ripley to attack because he saw Dr. Elliot taking pictures of the dogfighting. (Cut to: Sweet's office. Sweets is sitting across from Hodgins.) HODGINS: I don't know how to do this. SWEETS: Mostly you just tell me what's on your mind. HODGINS: Mostly on my mind is I hate everyone. SWEETS: Everyone? HODGINS: To varying degress, but, um... yeah, yeah everyone. (Shrugs.) Angela...the most. Because we, you know, had something great, uh, and now it's dirt, Zack...for being such an idiot, Brennan for bringing us all together, Cam for making us efficient, Booth for giving us a mission, you for pick, pick, picking at me... Should I go on? SWEETS: No, no. I get the point. HODGINS: I just hate everyone. So, what? Intense therapy, heavy medication? SWEETS: Nah. I'm good with the hate. HODGINS: Are you serious? SWEETS: Yeah, I am. You're doing fine. HODGINS: Um... I hate everyone. SWEETS: You're coping. It's a coping technique. Coping's good. HODGINS: Did you get your degree on the internet? Let me see your diploma. SWEETS: You're working. You're living a life of purpose. You haven't turned your back on your friends. HODGINS: Except I hate them all. SWEETS: You're independently wealthy, right? You don't have to work. And yet you choose to stay with the people you hate. HODGINS: Which makes me completely nuts. SWEETS: No, you've... you've replaced one way of seeing the world-paranoia-with another: misanthropy. Soon you'll replace misanthropy with something nicer. But for now, temporarily, I'm satisfied with your coping technique. HODGINS: My coping technique of hate? SWEETS: Correct. HODGINS: So... are you, like, my therapist now, or... SWEETS: No, we work together. HODGINS: (Stands.) Great, see you at work. (Hodgins exits.) (Cut to: Booth's office. Brennan walks in to find Booth sitting at his desk.) BRENNAN: Hey. BOOTH: Hey. Robbie Timmons gave a statement. Andrew Hopp set the dog on Seth Elliot. Apparently Elliot was furious when he found out the dog he'd given to Timmons was used in dogfighting. BRENNAN: Dr. Elliot took all those photos to turn into the police. BOOTH: Andrew Hopp would have lost his main source of income. He would have been forced to leave medical school. BRENNAN: What about the rest of the people in the dogfighting ring? BOOTH: Don't worry about it. We'll round 'em up. (Looks at the bag Brennan has in her hand.) So, what do you got there? BRENNAN: (Takes a collar and leash out of the bag.) Well, I've decided to adopt Ripley. BOOT: Bones... BRENNAN: I've already contacted a dog walker and a doggie day care place, and my dad will take him when I leave town. I got a little tag. See? Ripley Brennan. BOOTH: He was put down. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: I'm sorry. You know, he killed someone and they had to put him down. BRENNAN: It wasn't Ripley's fault. People made him do what he did. BOOTH: I know. I'm sorry. BRENNAN: You can tell he's a good-natured dog. They put him down? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Damn it. BOOTH: Bones, I'm sorry. BRENNAN: What are they going to do with his remains? (Cut to: Booth and Brennan in a copse of trees. Booth is putting dirt into a hole in the ground.) BRENNAN: Hey, Booth? Can I do that? BOOTH: You sure? BRENNAN: Yeah, you dug it. (Brennan takes the shovel and begins putting the dirt in the grave.) BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: So did Sweets help you with Parker? BOOTH: Yeah. I told Parker that it's best to just walk away sometimes. BRENNAN: What, sometimes? Isn't it always better to walk away? You know, this dog would still be alive if he wasn't forced to fight. BOOTH: I told him to walk away if it's for himself, and to stand up and fight if it's for someone else. I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but... BRENNAN: You're a very good father. (She finishes with the dirt and sighs.) BOOTH: So, did you want to say something? BRENNAN: Well... I feel that this dog, Ripley, paid a price that was unfair. BOOTH: It's not my fault, Bones, why're you talking to me? BRENNAN: What? You're the only one here. BOOTH: Talk to the universe... or God or Ripley. BRENNAN: Well, I don't believe in God. BOOTH: Well, God spelled backwards is "dog". BRENNAN: And Ripley is dead. Plus he's a dog, with, you know... limited vocabulary skills. BOOTH: Bones, just... speak from your heart. BRENNAN: On behalf of humankind, universe, I'd like to apologize for what happened to Ripley. He was born a cute little puppy and then the people who adopted him wanted to kill him because they were too stupid to realize that he would grow into a big dog. BOOTH: That's good. BRENNAN: (Choking up.) Ripley was a good dog. He didn't wanna fight. But he did it to please his master. Y'know, he didn't want to attack a human being, but he did it to please his master. You know, it wasn't Ripley's fault that his master was cruel and selfish. Like all dogs, Ripley only saw the good in people. Dogs are like that. People should take a lesson. (Brennan takes the dog tag out of her pocket and presses it into the soil over the grave. She then begins to press the dirt down on the grave.) BRENNAN: Is that enough? BOOTH: Yeah. As much as any good dog...(reaches out to touch her shoulder) hey, could hope for. Even with limited vocabulary skills, okay? (Brennan starts to tear up. Booth wraps his arm around her and she leans into him.)

Parker, Booth's son, discovers a corpse's finger in a bird's nest, causing the team to launch an investigation to try to find the rest of the body. After finding the corpse, the team discovers that the death was caused by a dog, leading them to an illegal dog fighting ring and a search for the killer dog and its owner. Cesar Millan makes a guest appearance. Meanwhile, Hodgins struggles to come to terms with recent events and as such, finds himself having feelings of hate against his colleagues.

fd_Reign_02x02

fd_Reign_02x02_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Mary: We have confirmed reports that the Black Death has returned once more to plague our lands. Francis: I understand all the reasons. I do. I just can't. I won't let you take my son from me. I will rise until I am rich and powerful. But I will never be yours again. Greer: Is that your daughter with Leith? Mary: Eduard Narcisse. How may we help you? Eduard: There's someone I thought untouchable. I'd like him to die of plague. Food for survival... in exchange for one life. Mary: Every life matters! We will find grain elsewhere. You murdered an entire household! Eduard: Why make an enemy out of those you need most? Mary: Justice. Take him away. Eduard: My father will free me! Mary: No, he won't. Because he'll never find you. Eduard: (coughing) No! Mary! No! (screaming) No! (bird caws) [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ They won't know ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Who we are ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ So we both can ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Pretend... ♪ (groans) ♪ It's written on the mountains... ♪ Sebastian: There's 12 corpses. All adults. No... no shovels, no hooks. Keep your gloves on and wrap them with care. Guard: You should get some rest, my lord. It's not your job to handle the dead. It's ours. Sebastian: No, we have to give them proper burial. So their souls can find rest. ♪ And the pieces broke ♪ ♪ And people wanted more ♪ ♪ And the ♪ ♪ Rugged wheel ♪ ♪ Is turning ♪ ♪ Another round ♪ Mary: I knew he was alive. I could feel it in my heart. Catherine: Thank God you were right. Please don't tell Francis that I mistook my illness for the plague. It's embarrassing. (crowd clamoring) ♪ Dorian... ♪ Francis: Mary. Mary: Where is Lola? Is she all right? (baby cooing) Lola: Mary. Mary: Lola. The... the child, is it... ? Lola: I have a son. (baby crying) (women cooing) (shushes) Francis: Bash, oh, thank God you're all right. We have to talk soon. I need an advisor I can trust. I want you on my council. Sebastian: You're already talking politics. Francis: Because I am already king. Sebastian: I'm no politician, Francis. I don't belong on a privy council. It's a liar's job. ♪ Dorian, carrion ♪ Francis: Mary? I'd like you to meet the man that saved our lives. My cousin. Louis of Conde. Kenna: Oh, he's easy on the eyes, isn't he? ♪ Will you ever let... ♪ Mary: Thank you for bringing them home safely. Thank you so very much. Louis: It was an honor. As is this. Francis: You and your men must rest here before you leave. (women laughing) Your kisses are more easily attained than your words. I left impulsively. Mary: You did. Francis: And now I have returned with Lola's child. I held him and... I don't know what role he'll have at court, but I want to be a part of my son's life. Of this child's life, but we will have others. Mary, my father's indiscretions were blatant, but out of respect for his wife, he gave Bash no title or standing. It hurt him. And it hurt me to see it. Mary: The eyes of the world are watching to see if we will... If I can bear an heir. Not just for France. For Scotland. And for England as well. I know this has nothing to do with the role you decide to have in your son's life... Francis: Well, perhaps it should. Mary: Those who are close to us... even here at court will know the truth. Your mother has guessed it already. Spend time with your son absolutely, but... Francis: But don't claim him. Officially, you mean. Mary: Yes. Catherine: Thank you. I'm surprised to see you. My deepest sympathies for the loss of your son Eduard. Can I get you anything? Some lemonade? Narcisse: I thought this castle would be the safest place for him. Why wasn't it? Catherine: Bring us some whiskey. Nostradamus: Lord Narcisse is here. Asking a lot of questions about his son's death. I explained that he showed symptoms of plague, high fever, rash. Mary: You are good to cover for me. Lord Narcisse will never know. His son did die of plague. His body will tell the tale. Eduard murdered an entire household to kill one foe. Since he cared so little for people, it's fitting that he died among the lowborn. I have asked much of you... not the least that you betray your very dangerous friend Catherine. She was mortified that she overreacted to her symptoms. She hates being vulnerable. But it is hard not to enjoy it. We tried to save lives. I owe you. And I will protect you. Catherine: So many people died here. Nobles, servants alike. I was in my chambers when your son took ill. But Nostradamus, he... Narcisse: Yes. I've already spoken with your court physician. A... a father can't help but wonder about his son's final days. I survived by fleeing to the country. I feel that I should've sent for him. Catherine: There was nothing you could do. Narcisse: : I need to go see him now. You do understand, don't you? (groans) When was this room sealed? Guards: Two weeks ago, my lord. Narcisse: Most nobles died in their chambers. Were many nobles sent here by mistake? Guards: Couldn't say, sir. It was a living hell. Do you see him? Narcisse: Not yet. That is my son. Wrap him. Carefully. (moaning nearby) Who's there? This one is still alive. Guards: How could anyone still be alive? He must be immune. Man: Water. Narcisse: That is my son. Were you with him? Did you see him die? We will get you some water and something to eat. And then you are going tell me all about what happened to my son. (laughter, clamoring) Catherine: Ah, this is nothing compared to what we'll do for your coronation. But your safe return is cause for celebration. Francis: It's nice to see some joy in this castle after so much grief. I hear you had a hand in our new chambers as well. Catherine: One bedroom for husband and wife. Good luck to both of you with that. I thought Narcisse was leaving with his son's body. Why is he back with so many nobles? Narcisse: King Francis. Francis: Narcisse. My lords. I'm pleased to see you're all alive and well. In the wake of the plague, I will be calling on all of you to enforce my laws. Together you control vast regions of France. Some of you will be valued additions to my royal council. Narcisse: Of course, King Francis. But we're here to ask something of you as well. Justice. Francis: What's this about exactly? Narcisse: My son Eduard... was murdered. Here in your castle while you were away. By Nostradamus, the court physician. I don't know what grudge you held against my son. Nostradamus: I had no argument with him. Narcisse: Then why did you make false diagnosis?Why did you condemn him to death? Francis: These are serious allegations. Narcisse: My son was healthy when he was thrown in with servants riddled with plague. I know this because a witness, a survivor, has told me this tale. My son was deliberately infected. Mary: I assure you, if a mistake was made, Nostradamus intended no harm. Narcisse: Assure us all... your loyal nobility, that we are still safe under your rule. We who collect your coin, we who grow your food, we who provide your soldiers, we who uphold your laws. Hold the murderer of my son accountable to these same laws. And show us that no life, especially one of our own, may be taken with impunity. (gasping, murmuring) Francis: Take Nostradamus away for questioning. Mary: Eduard murdered an entire household... men, women and children. I did what I had to. Francis: And Narcisse knows it was you who killed his son? Mary: I was the one who forced Eduard into the plague room against his will. If there was a survivor, he would have witnessed everything. Catherine: There was another survivor of your crimes, Mary. Me. You drugged me, didn't you? You were so adamant to stand up to the nobles, and I got sick just when you needed me out of the way. Mary: I had to stop you. Catherine: Oh, you wouldn't delve into my poisons without help. It was Nostradamus. Your actions spared no one, saved nothing and cost us all dearly. Narcisse wants the guards who brought his son to the catacombs executed as well. Mary: We don't have to accede to his demands. You and Henry might have bowed to the nobles, but we won't. Catherine: We kept the nobles happy. If they feel betrayed, they can rise up against you. I've seen revolts firsthand, a full-scale rebellion could mean the end of your reign. Francis: I know that you want to do things differently, but I'm not sure that this is the time. The plague shortages have given too much power to Narcisse. The nobles follow him now, and they are watching our every move. Mary: Then let them watch you, and that you be above reproach. This was my mistake and I'll fix it. (indistinct conversation, hammer clinking) (horse whinnies) Man: Whoa. Leith: Oh... Lord Castleroy. Castleroy: Wasn't this enough for you? A kitchen boy, given some of the best lands in the region. You had to have my daughter, too? Leith: Lord Castleroy, I am so sorry. Yvette was kind and... Castleroy: She was everything you told Greer you wanted. Rich and innocent and my daughter. How Greer would have suffered to see your rise, and what a close view she'd have had. Leith: I can assure you that I didn't realize who she was until after we... Castleroy: If my daughter had never met you, she would be alive! Leith: I would never have hurt her. Castleroy: I don't know that, and neither do you. Given the proximity you would have had to the woman I know you love. Leith: Look, please, just... look, wait... Greer: Leith, no! (Grunts) Castleroy: Stay away from my family. Or I will destroy you. Narcisse: Queen Mary. Where is your husband? Mary: I would prefer it if we settled this matter privately. I think you know who's truly responsible for Eduard's death. Narcisse: You are. But, as you are a queen, you're nearly untouchable. Nearly. But those that lied for you, I can reach easily enough. That is how I will punish you. Mary: Your son was a monster. He asked me to murder his enemy, and when I refused, he poisoned an entire household. Narcisse: Why didn't you arrest him? Mary: I let my anger get the best of me. And my outrage. Narcisse: Hand what of mine? He was my son! He was loyal and obedient and he had his whole life ahead of him. He was to marry an archduchess, gain one of the most prized farming regions in France... Mary: He was to marry into land? He told me he was already married. That Voland had slept with his wife. Why did he really want Voland dead? You also said he was obedient. Was he following your orders? I am queen. You will answer my questions. Why did you want Voland dead? I command you! Narcisse: No, you command nothing! I don't fear you, I don't fear your husband! Because without me, without the other nobles, your power disappears. We are the outside world, and we surround you. There is a consensus amongst the other nobles, given my son's station, that an example must be made. So when the dawn comes, Nostradamus and your guards will be drawn and quartered. Mary: That is a horrific and agonizing death. Narcisse: This is what they want. This is what will satisfy them. And you will learn never to cross me again. Francis: My mother's been negotiating to spare Nostradamus, but it's no use. Narcisse wants retribution, and he has the nobles on his side. Mary: Murdering innocent men to teach me a lesson. He's more wicked than his son. Francis: Why didn't you wait? You could have had him arrested. Mary: If I had, Narcisse would have pressured us to release him. We'd be in the same position we're in now with him trying to force your hand. Francis: If his son were alive, Narcisse wouldn't be consumed with revenge. It was reckless, Mary. Mary: I saw an entire family be murdered. My rage took hold. It might not have been the best decision, but it was justified. Francis: It was a choice that you made alone. What is it? Mary: I know I told you to go to Lola, but then the plague came and you knowingly abandoned me to a nightmare. You are the king who deserted his castle, and I am the queen who was left behind, alone. Alone because of your mistakes. Out of all the people you could have slept with, did it have to be one of my ladies?One of my closest friends? Francis: We can't afford to do this now. Mary: If you bow to Narcisse now, you'll be doing it for the rest of your rule. What kind of king do you want to be? Francis: I've been trying to figure out what kind of king I can be. Whether there is a way to stop this execution without destroying my relationship with some very powerful nobles. Mary: If only we had something to leverage against Narcisse, we could force him to back down. Francis: Conde suspects Narcisse of murdering families to take their lands. I'll send my brother to the villages where he acquired property during the plague. Mary: You're looking for evidence of murder. Something to blackmail him with. Francis: Anything. What is it? Mary: I believe Eduard was acting on his father's orders. I don't know why Narcisse wanted Voland dead, but I'm going to try and find out. Francis: The execution is at dawn. Mary: I promised Nostradamus my protection. One way or another, we have to find something. Maid: These are Lord Voland's chambers. Mary: Leave me. Thank you. Lola: Mary. Mary: Lola, what are you doing here? Lola: Francis explained your situation with Narcisse. I wanted to help. Mary: Francis shared that with you? Lola: I was with Francis when we met Narcisse on the road. It gave me chills to see him here at court. I could see Francis was troubled and I asked him what was wrong. Mary: When was this? Lola: When he asked me how the baby was doing. Mary, I know our situation is painful... Mary: And for you, too. Does he have a name yet? Lola: I call him Robert, after my youngest brother. If Francis claims him, he may choose another name. Mary: I suppose it would be best for you, if he did. You'd rise above speculation and gossip. You would both gain status and respect. Lola: I just want to be with my child. The more time I spend with him, the less anything else seems to matter. Mary: It's all right to take joy in being a mother. You don't have to hide that from me. Lola: What is it? Mary: It's from the privy council, to Lord Voland. "In response to your urgent request... " Lola: It says Voland was desperately seeking an audience with the king before he died. Mary: Well, you said you want to help. I need you to find out whatever you can about Voland's final hours. He wanted to tell Francis something... I need to know what it was. Leith: It is you. When they announced that you were here, I, uh... I didn't believe it. Greer: I feel as if I betrayed you. I didn't mean to tell Lord Castleroy what you said. What you said in anger. But at the time... Leith: You thought it was true. That I would steal the heart of another just to wound yours. Greer: I was upset when I saw you and Yvette together. I realized how jealous I sounded to Lord Castleroy, so I told him your words. As if it was just my concern for his daughter. I did it to protect myself. Leith: You're good at that, aren't you? Greer: Not really. I've poisoned everything. There's little but hate and mistrust between all of us. (sighs) I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and... I pray the day will come when I no longer regret that I loved you. Please don't blame yourself for Yvette's death. If I'd let you go to her... Leith: Never tell your fiancé that. Let it be, Greer. What's done is done. Don't cause him any more pain. Let that be a vow that we both keep. You should go. Don't come back. Sebastan: I'm investigating Lord Narcisse. I've heard many of the dead lost their lands to him. Gravedigger: They were murdered. He plucked the deeds to their lands from their stiff, cold fingers. Or so I'm told. Sebastian: Do you have any proof? Gravedigger: There's proof of murders, theirs and plenty of others, if you want to dig it up. It's all under there, buried with the rest of the unfortunates. Sebastian: In the same mass grave with all the actual plague victims. Corpses came by the cartful, the sick and the murdered. And once they're tossed in... who's going to ask questions? (sighs) Don't take it too hard, my lord. Same thing happens every plague. Justice suffers and dies with the rest of us. Woman: Deesh-kin... aarin kir mograndee. Sebastian: Who are you? Why are you doing that? Woman: From the castle, now, are you? I am. I hear the nobles locked themselves in with cakes and fine wines, while we watched our loved ones rot and turn black before our eyes. Sebastian: There were many deaths at court as well. Woman: Bury them well, mind you. So many. Wickedly mistreated, not just in life, but in death. Do people really expect them to go? Sebastian: What do you mean? Woman: It's hard enough to get spirits to leave us, but now? There's a door between the dead and the living, and the plague kicked it down. And if the dead aren't guided through... the door stays open. The door is open. They'll get to us before you know it. There will be... Sebastiab: A reckoning. Mary: So we have no proof to use against Narcisse unless we want to dig up mass graves and release the plague? Sebastian: If Narcisse is using the plague to cover his crimes, he's not the only one. Neighbours, Catholics, Protestants... they're killing each other. Even a cardinal's body was found in an alley with his throat slit. Francis: A cardinal? Who? Sebastian: Cardinal Morosini, killed for the gold in his vestments, they say. (Door closes) Lola: I'm here to see Mary. Mary: What did you find? Lola: I spoke with a castle page. Before Lord Voland joined his family in their chambers, he insisted on taking confession. I had to bribe a few altar boys, but I got the priest's name. Father Lucien. Mary: Where do we find this priest? Francis: You look troubled, Brother. I know you call Nostradamus friend. Sebastian: I do. And he's a friend we may need. Francis: What do you mean? Sebastian: He has certain skills . And I know that you don't believe in them or the occult. But something has changed out there. There's talk in the village that the dead are still with us. Francis: People feel guilty for surviving. They torture themselves. Sebastian: No, a guard heard screams of the dying from an empty room. Servants claim that old castle ghosts have returned. And a woman in the village claims that all this death and injustice has left a door open between this world and the next and some of the dead are on the wrong side of it. Francis: Still here among the living? Sebastian: And that they stay because they were treated wrongly. Either not given proper burial or cut down unjustly. Francis: Murdered. What does this woman think the dead want? Sebastian: The truth revealed. Francis: You mean revenge. Catherine: I loved Henry. But he was a terrible husband and a worse father. What kind of a father do you hope to be? Francis: Nothing like him. Catherine: Really? Then what will you do about Lola's child? Will you claim him? Francis: I haven't decided. Catherine: You must be worried he might be your only child. I'm speaking to you as a mother. As your mother. I can tell you that if you do not claim him, there will be a distance between you and that boy for the rest of your lives. He will never be king. But he might be your only chance at being a father. And I can promise you that raising him will be the singular joy of your life. [SCENE_BREAK] (door creaks) Greer: Aloysius. I was just going to change and meet you downstairs. Castleroy: Your servants said you went into town. Greer: Yes, I bought some things for the children. Castleroy: You were gone a long while. ♪ When it's all falling apart ♪ ♪ I'll be the one... ♪ Greer: I went to see Leith. I know you are in pain, but there's no need for such animosity. Leith is racked with guilt. I am, too. You must know I'm loyal to you. ♪ And you can't find the spark... ♪ Castleroy: I have been wondering about your loyalty of late. Leith's vow... Greer: Was said... in the moment, in anger. I chose you. Castleroy: You chose the life I could give you. Greer: I chose you, and you chose me knowing that I'd loved another, that I had done ruinous things for that love. You knew that about me. Castleroy: I didn't know how it would feel. ♪ It's all gone... ♪ Castleroy: I have business that will take me away for some time. Greer: How long? Castleroy: I don't know. I'll be seeing my younger children as well. I need to be the one to tell them that their sister is dead. Greer: Will you be back? Castleroy: I don't know. ♪ Together ♪ ♪ I'll be there. ♪ Father: I'm not afraid of breaking my vows, Queen Mary. What I do fear is Lord Narcisse. Mary: I will stand against him. Father, I made a mistake a few weeks ago, and now innocent men could pay for it with their lives. Whatever Voland told you could save them. Please help me. (crickets chirping) Father: Lord Voland worked with Narcisse. They collected money for the Vatican, but greed interfered, and they kept some of the Church's gold for themselves. Cardinal Morosini discovered their crime. Mary: Cardinal Morosini? He was found dead in a neighboring village. Father: Protestants were blamed but never identified. I know the truth. It was Narcisse and Voland who killed him. Voland's heart filled with remorse. Narcisse knew his resolve was weakening, so before Voland could confess to your king or to the Church... Mary: He had him killed. Along with his entire family. (sighs) You understand we could destroy Narcisse with this. The Vatican would strip him of his power. You must testify to the king and to the assembled nobles at court. Father: But what I've told you I can never repeat. I'm just a lowly priest; Narcisse has people everywhere. I'd be dead in the blink of an eye. Mary: He killed a cardinal! I could compel you. Father: For information taken in holy confession? The Vatican itself can't hear it. It doesn't exist. Narcisse: I know that your wife... Francis: She is your queen. Narcisse: I know that your queen is working against me to stop the execution. She doesn't value my friendship, but you should. Francis: Because you are a true friend to the Crown. Narcisse: Hmm. You don't like me, but you need me. My lands feed your people, your court. I kept Henry afloat long after his wars plunged France into debt. Francis: I am aware of the Crown's debts. Narcisse: But not how in debt it is to me. Louis: I heard about the execution. If Lord Narcisse demanded it, those men are certainly innocent. Narcisse: Careful of your accusations. I could make some of my own. Louis: You've made them to others; you can make them to me. Narcisse: I believe this man to be a secret Protestant, a radical, practicing the faith of your enemies in England and Germany. Francis: Is this true? Louis: No. I am a Catholic and a Frenchman. But I believe France should be ruled by you, not by blood money from Rome. The Vatican is corrupt... they're betraying their faith by allowing the strong to prey on the weak. Narcisse: You've proved my case for me. He is a radical. A Catholic who hates the Catholic Church. Louis: I hate any man that hides behind God while they murder and steal. Men like Narcisse, protected by the Church and the Crown. Your father built his power by giving the nobles what they wanted. If he were here now, he would let those men die. Narcisse: And what do you expect him to do, risk disenfranchising the nobles he depends on? Louis: Well, maybe it's time we change things, shift the power back to where it belongs, with you, our king. You're unsure of who to trust. Francis: Yes, I am. Louis: Then trust no one but yourself. Trust your sense of what is right and what is wrong. Because when the dawn comes and those men are let outside, you'll have to decide what kind of king you want to be. (birds chirping) (sighs) Catherine: Have they hurt you? (door closes) Nostradamus: They're going to lead me out soon. For last rites. Are you going to share your plan with me? Catherine: I'm afraid there is no plan, my old friend. I'm so sorry. But I shall make sure you are remembered. All your works will be published. I will have sonnets written... and... a statue built in Paris. Nostradamus: A statue? Mm. After all I've done for you! Catherine: Do not blame me for the choices you have made! If you had stayed loyal to me, Eduard would still be alive, none of this would have happened. You... you brought this on yourself when you helped Mary. There is nothing I can do. Nostradamus: You think you're untouchable... that your sins will stay buried, but they don't. Surely you realized that when you met your daughter. Catherine: Clarissa? She's dead and buried now. Mary killed her. You thought Clarissa's death fulfilled the prophecy. And that is why I supported Francis marrying... Is Clarissa alive? Tell me, Nostradamus. Have you seen her? Have you had another vision? Will Francis live beyond the death you once foresaw? Nastradamus: Ask your statue. Narcisse: Conde. Where are the royals? Louis: I suppose they've chosen to look the other way. Someone must bear witness to this travesty. Innocent men shouldn't die alone. You won't die alone. Mary: They're preparing for the drawing and quartering as we speak. We must do something. Francis: We don't have any leverage against Narcisse. Mary: We have the truth on our side and we have you. You are king. Doesn't that count for something? Francis: Yeah, well, it's not enough, Mary. We need something that we can hold in our hands. Mary: Well, perhaps Lord Voland kept a journal. Or wrote a letter. I have Lola looking now. Francis: We're out of time. Mary: I can't let these men die for my mistake. Narcisse: Do you know why they wrap the bindings all up the arms and legs? For a good, clean break. I've seen it done the other way, too, bonds at the wrists and ankles taking off just the hands and feet. You bleed to death as the one horse takes the lead and drags you behind. Which do you think will be more painful? Your death or my son's? Nostradamus: I've seen your death. You'll suffer, too. Narcisse: And I have seen the suffering on every inch of my son's corpse. I will think of him as you die. You do the same. (shouting) (horse neighs) (shouting) (horse neighs) Guard: On my signal, spur your horses! Mary: No, stop! Riders, dismount. Rein in your horses. Now. Narcisse: Even a queen needs grounds. Mary: Unbind him. (whimpering) There will be no execution today. Narcisse: You have just lost France for you and your king. When the nobles hear of this... Mary: I found Lord Voland's confession. Handwritten before his death. Narcisse: What are you talking about? Mary: He wrote it all down how you both stole from the Vatican and then murdered the cardinal before he could inform on you. Voland's remorse that followed, his need to clear his accounts with God, and his fear that you would silence him before he could. His confession is in the hands of a messenger headed to your friends in Rome as we speak to reassure the Vatican that no life, especially one of their own, can be taken with impunity. Francis: Mary. I will handle this. Mary: But I have proof. Francis: Not anymore. Mary: My letters. You intercepted my riders. Why? You don't have to bow to him. Francis: Mary, leave us. You, too, Conde. Mary: I am your queen. You owe me an explanation. You owe France and your subjects a just rule. Francis: Go to our chambers, where private discussions between husbands and wives should take place. Mary: I am not just your wife. Francis: You are not king either. Leave us now. Narcisse: I always thought you should have married a common girl, like your father. Rich, of course, but without a title she felt obligated to club people with. Francis: I don't like you. Narcisse: I don't care. You need me. I'm glad that you've realized that. Lord Voland's seal. Francis: I stopped the riders because I understand that we need each other. Nostradamus is a favorite of my mother's, and none of these men really caused your son's death. You will free them as a favor to me. Narcisse: That might be difficult to explain to the nobles. Francis: You riled them into a frenzy on your behalf. Now tell them you are satisfied. Manage them, and I will manage my wife. Narcisse: There will need to be some satisfaction, if you want all of this to go away. Francis: No more bloodshed. Narcisse: Land. Of my choosing. (bell tolling in distance) Nostradamus and the guards have been freed. You were brilliant. Mary: And he didn't ask to see the contents of the letters? Francis: I burned them before he could see they were forged. We have Narcisse at bay, but... Mary: Well, what is it? What's wrong? Francis: I had to give him something else as well. (horse neighs) Narcisse: This is very fine land. Leith: Who are you? Narcisse: It's a rare parcel. Undamaged by fire. Still producing. And all that separates two larger parcels of mine. The king has deeded this land to me. Leith: That's impossible. Why would he take it away? Narcisse: Ask King Francis yourself. He's requested your presence at court. Leith: At court? But I can't go there. Narcisse: You can. And you will. Francis: I don't know what's changed your mind. You were right before; a politician is a liar's job. Even today I had to betray a friend to save lives. Sebastian: Well, this job is different. Enforcing the laws, keeping the peace beyond the castle walls. My wife tells me that in Scotland they call this the king's deputy. Francis: Ah. Sebastian: The realm is growing unstable. You need someone out there you can actually trust. Why are you kneeling? Sebastian: You're the king, and I'm nothing. Until you make me something. Francis: Don't say that. You're my brother. Sebastian: Then give me the job already. Do it up properly. Use my sword. Francis: Very well. Sebastian, I hereby appoint you the king's deputy, with all rights and apportionments so accruing. Mary: Nostradamus, you're too injured to ride. Nostradamus: I have to. What will you tell Catherine? Mary: That you had another vision. Of a better life. God willing. (baby gurgles) Francis: Mary?Why did you ask me to the nursery? Mary: Your father was King Henry II of the House of Valois. You are Francis II, the king of France. I'm Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots. Whatever happens to us while we live and when we are long gone, nothing can change that or take it away. Francis: I don't understand. Mary: The world is a cruel place. And it's cruelest to the weak. They are bullied and sacrificed, mocked and murdered and they die in agony. Francis: Mary, why are you talking... Mary: Give him your name. Give your baby your name. Francis: Not even my name can make him safe. Mary: No, but it can make him safer. Francis: Mary... Mary: If you think I don't know the risks, I do. But if I don't want to end up like Catherine, I can't push this child away like she did with Bash. I have to open my heart. So... ... do right by him, with my blessing, and claim him as your own. And our marriage will be stronger for it. (baby gurgling) (door opens) Francis: I'm never sure that I'm holding him right. Nurse: Oh, I could show you. Support his head, like so. See? I remember holding you in my arms when you were this little. Francis: I beg your pardon? Nurse: When I gave you life, I thought it was the greatest thing I'd ever done. All the treaties I'd made, all the wars and the whores were nothing compared to that. Francis: Who are you talking to? Nurse: Don't you recognize your own father? Usurper. (gasps) Francis: What did you just say? Nurse: Did I say something, Your Grace? Francis: You don't remember? (baby crying) Nurse: Remember what?

King Francis, Louis, Lady Lola and her illegitimate child arrive safely at the castle. Queen Mary is discomfited by the baby, but gives King Francis her blessing to claim him. Eduard's father, Stéphane Narcisse (Craig Parker), arrives to investigate his son's death, and arrests Nostradamus to take the fall for Mary's decision. Catherine and Nostradamus have a falling out when she refuses to help him escape, and Nostradamus hints that Clarissa is very much alive, meaning that King Francis is still destined to die young by Queen Mary's unintentional hand. Working together, Queen Mary and King Francis discover that Eduard and his father Narcisse killed Voland to cover up their crimes. In order to get Narcisse to drop the charges, King Francis gives him the lands he had previously bestowed to Leith. Queen Mary helps Nostradamus leave the castle, avoiding Queen Catherine. King Francis has an encounter with a servant named Caroline (Jane Spidell) who is seemingly possessed by the spirit of the late King Henry. Castleroy blames Leith for Yvette's death and, furious and heartbroken, abandons Lady Greer at court.

fd_Alias_01x12

fd_Alias_01x12_0

(Continuing. Sydney walks out of the meeting, goes down a hallway. Jack comes out and runs after her.) JACK: Sydney! Wait! (She turns around. They stand in the hallway.) JACK: You can't lose control over this. SYDNEY: You know what, Dad? This is not the best time to start lecturing me. JACK: I know how this feels. SYDNEY: Not exactly. You've had a lot longer to make sense of this than I have. JACK: There was a time when this was news to me, too. Your mother was sent to the United States to steal secrets from a ranking officer of the C.I.A. How she and I happened to meet, how she supposedly fell in love, I thought it was all true. But it was just a set-up. SYDNEY: Even her wanting to have a family? Was that just part of the plan, too? (Jack doesn't say anything. Sydney leaves.) (In her house, Sydney looks through her hat box full of pictures and memories. She sees the newspaper article about her mother and the FBI agent dying in the car accident. Takes out a framed picture. She finally finds the picture of Sydney as a little girl and her mother.) SYDNEY: (voice over) There's something that happens when you discover the truth about someone. I know a little about this. (She wads up the picture in a little ball.) SYDNEY: (voice over) The truth changes everything. (She throws it in the fire.) (In the self-storage facility, Sydney talks to Vaughn.) SYDNEY: There's this woman, her personality like a collage I've put tlogether from the photographs, the few memories I have, scraps of stories I've heard, the clothes of hers I've got... her books. And none of it's real. She wasn't that woman at all. She was... she was a horrible person... who killed your father. (She stands in front of him, crying.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, I just wanted to say... that I'm so sorry. (He hugs her and cradles her head against his shoulder while she cries.) (Credit Dauphine parking garage. A van with 'McTiernan Air Conditioning' written on the side drives up. The driver stops at the security gate and wires it up to a machine he has that unlocks the gate. The gate doors open and the van goes inside. They stop once they're inside and cut the wires of a surveillance camera.) (Inside the control room, two agents sit and watch the various camera angles.) AGENT1: We've lost coverage on the off-site garage. AGENT2: Any signs of forced entry? AGENT1: Negative from gate control. I'll check it out. AGENT2: Hey, while you're at it, grab me a black coffee, will you? Two sugars. (Agent1 leaves.) (In the parking garage, McTiernan gang starts welding off the air vent. Inside the van, the rest of the goons start packing their guns and loading them. Agent1 walks in the garage and sees the van. He talks on his transmitter to his buddy from control.) AGENT1: You know about any AC repairs? AGENT2: Negative. (The goons have already started to make their way inside the building using the air conditioning vents. Agent1 pulls his gun out. Near the van, one of the goons comes behind him and hits him over the head. Agent1 falls to the ground.) (Back in the self-storage facility.) SYDNEY: I don't want this job anymore. VAUGHN: Sydney, that's why you're doing what you do. You're helping to bring an end to SD-6. SYDNEY: Not anymore. VAUGHN: Sydney-- SYDNEY: I need someone in my life to be real. VAUGHN: This right here. What we do is real. SYDNEY: Look where we are. I mean, this isn't real. This isn't what we should be doing. I want out. VAUGHN: Out? (Sydney nods.) VAUGHN: You want to enter the protection program. SYDNEY: No. I'm not going into hiding. VAUGHN: If you don't, Sloane will kill you. SYDNEY: I don't think he will. (She stands up, hesitant.) SYDNEY: You like hockey, right? The Kings? VAUGHN: Yeah, how'd you-- SYDNEY: The pen you keep in your briefcase. It's a Kings pen. VAUGHN: Yeah, I got that-- SYDNEY: They're playing the Islanders next week. We should go. (Vaughn brightens with hope. Then his face falls as he realizes what she's doing.) VAUGHN: Sydney, you can't do this. (Will's desk at the newspaper. He has his headphones on. Jenny stops at his desk.) JENNY: Okay, here's the appeal filed by McNeils' lawyer last year and I found out that SD-6 is an ingredient in artificial sweetener, but that's probably not the SD-6 you're talking about. WILL: Is my voice annoying? JENNY: Your voice? WILL: Yeah. I was just going over this interview with Eloise Kurtz and I started thinking about McNeil. How he had this look in his eyes when I was interviewing him. His lawyer the same thing. Just... trying to get away from me. JENNY: Will, you're a journalist for God's sake. You get paid to be annoying. WILL: So you're saying I'm annoying? JENNY: Not to Danny or Eloise Kurtz. WILL: Oh, so I don't annoy dead people? JENNY: Will, you're their champion. WILL: What am I doing if I'm hurting the people I'm writing about? Look, if I could bring back Danny Hecht and Eloise Kurtz, I would, but I just... I can't. And if championing them is going to cause David McNeil's daughter to be in danger, I can't live with that. I don't think I can do this anymore. This SD-6 story. I'm out. (The goons burst through the vent and make it to a hallway off of another hallway where red security beams are illuminated. The female goon - FGOON - has a heart beat detector in her hands. It beeps, and an agent comes into view.) FGOON: We're right on time. (He checks the corridor. The security red beams go off. They bust in. One of them breaks the agent's neck. They run through the hallway while the beams aren't there. The lead goon - Cole - motions for one of the last goons to hurry up as the red beams start appearing from the back, coming up. Not enough time left, the last goon slides down the rest of the hallway and makes it. Cole strips off his jumpsuit while FGOON pours him a cup of coffee from a thermos. Underneath the jumpsuit, Cole is wearing a suit. He takes a swig of coffee and spreads his arms out.) COLE: How do I look? (In the parking garage, Sydney drives up in her SUV. She takes out a card and slides it into the security panel that the goons had unlocked with their machine earlier. She passes through and the gate doors buzz and then open. She drives through.) (In SD-6, Cole walks through. Nobody recognizes because, since he's wearing a suit, he blends right in. Cole walks by Sloane's office. Inside the office, Sloane is on the phone, rubbing his temples.) SLOANE: Yes, will you get me my wife's doctor on the phone please? (He looks at monitor on his desk. It's a security camera monitor. He sees Cole walk by. The monitor scans for facial recognition. Sloane's face freezes because he knows who he is.) VOICE: Dr. Medlesohn is on line one. (Sloane stares as the security monitor scans through the files, trying to identify Cole.) VOICE: Sir? (Sloane isn't paying attention. He stares at the monitor.) VOICE: Sir? (In the garage, Sydney parks her SUV and gets out. She sees the McTiernan van. The driver leers at her.) DRIVER: Hey there, beautiful! Why don't you turn that frown upside down? (She doesn't run over there and kick his ass. She keeps walking. Pissed, the driver takes out his gun and puts the silencer and laser on. He points the gun at Sydney while she walks away, into SD-6. The red beam of light is aimed right on her head. She walks, having no idea. Suddenly, tires screech and he puts the gun away. Sydney turns. Jack pulls up and gets out of his car, running after her.) JACK: Sydney! Sydney! (He catches up to her. She keeps walking to the elevator.) JACK: This is suicide! SYDNEY: I don't think it is. JACK: What exactly is your exit strategy? Politely asking Sloane to let you out of SD-6? SYDNEY: Based on Sloane's behavior toward me -- protecting me at Donatti Park, asking Rusik to get me to talk-- JACK: Sloane answers to people. People who don't know you or care about you. If he lets you go, those people will kill him and you. (She goes inside the elevator. He follows.) (Sloane still has the phone up to his ear as he waits for the security panel to indentify Cole. A picture flashes up on the screen: McKenas Cole.) SLOANE: Cole. (He presses a button on his desk with his finger. The monitor flashes "FAILSAFE ACTIVATED".) (In the elevator.) JACK: Those people Sloane works for - the alliance - if they believe you've abandoned them, they will kill anyone they think you have talked to. Your roommate Francie. That reporter friend. Anyone. (Control room. Agent2 is still by the monitors, waiting for his coffee. Cole enters behind him, holding a gun.) AGENT2: Let me guess. You forgot the two sugars. (He turns around. Cole shoots him twice. In his office, Sloane scrambles for the phone and calls the control room. Cole answers the phone.) SLOANE: We have a physical breach! Start lockdown procedures now! COLE: Sure thing, Arvin. Whatever you say. (Cole hangs up.) (Elevator.) SYDNEY: I felt this way before I found out about my mother. This life has to stop. (Instead, the elevator stops and the lights go out.) (Inside SD-6, Dixon looks up as gas starts hissing down from the ceiling vents. Agents start to pass out around him. In his office, Marshall sees the gas coming down and covers his mouth with his sweater vest. Making two or three steps, he falls to the ground beside his inflatable chair. Out in the main part of SD-6, more agents fall to the ground. Dixon falls. In Sloane's office, a vent of gas is pouring down right on top of Sloane. He's slumped over his desk, his head down.) (In the elevator, the lights come back on. Jack tries the phone.) JACK: Dead. But a blackout wouldn't shut down security. (At the newspaper, specifically in the bathroom, Will flushes a urinal, takes off his glasses, and washes his hands at the sink. His cell phone rings.) WILL: Tippin. DISTORTED VOICE: Go to your desk. WILL: I'm off the story. DISTORTED VOICE: Leave the bathroom and then go to your desk. (Will looks around all, "How the hell did they know I was in the bathroom?" He comes out near his desk and looks around for anyone suspicious lurking about. A yellow manila envelope sits on his desk chair. The telephone rings at his desk, but Jenny rushes in and answers it.) JENNY: Will Tippin's office. Um, yeah, he's right here. (She passes the phone to him.) JENNY: Some guy. Totally nasal. Clips on the housing story, Litvack wants two thousand words by noon tomorrow. (She walks out.) WILL: Hello? DISTORTED VOICE: There is something inside the envelope that will make McNeil talk. WILL: I don't want to make him talk. DISTORTED VOICE: You said you didn't scare easily. WILL: Well, if you're so brave, why don't you lose the voice box and tell me your name? (Silence.) WILL: Don't call me again. (He hangs up, and throws out the envelope in his nearby garbage can.) (Cole and his goons, wearing gas masks, walk in SD-6 with various guns. The gas stops. Cole takes off his mask and looks around.) COLE: Five minutes ahead. Get 'em wrapped up, baby! (FGOON starts tying up everyone's hands while they're unconscious. Cole looks to another guy with a gun.) COLE: Chopper, secure the elevator. You got the scanning room door code? CHOPPER: Got it! (Cole approaches FGOON who is at a computer typing.) COLE: You jammin'? FGOON: I'm jammin'. (He kisses her head.) (Vaughn's office. He's twirling a silver dollar in between his fingers over and over again. Weiss enters.) WEISS: Want to get a pizza? That new place? VAUGHN: Ah, no thanks. (Weiss comes in and looks at Vaughn, silently telling him to just tell him what's up.) VAUGHN: Sydney wants to quit SD-6... which she knows she just can't do. (Weiss nods.) VAUGHN: It's a weird thing. You know, when you're learning how your father died. I... it's always been this intellectual idea I had, knowing he died, just not having any details. WEISS: You really want some space, or are you and I going to go get drunk? 'Cause there's this bar, you won't even remember it tomorrow. (They laugh. Vaughn's face falls when Haladki enters.) HALADKI: Hey, what a day, huh? VAUGHN: Why do you say that? HALADKI: Come on. Bristow's mom, your dad. It's not like a secret around here. Vaughn, that really sucks. WEISS: Well put. HALADKI: You know what? I think Barnett's gonna be good for you. VAUGHN: I'm not seeing Barnett. HALADKI: Oh, yeah you are! She wants to see you. I mean, come on. You're Bristow's handler. You find out her mom killed your dad? She's a shrink, she lives for crisis management! I think she'll be good for you. I like thick crust, in case you wanted me to come. WEISS: Oh, hey, we don't. (He leaves.) VAUGHN: Did you know about Barnett? (Weiss shakes his head. Vaughn sighs.) (In the elevator.) SYDNEY: Still can't get a signal. JACK: Whoever's doing that could be jamming the frequencies. (Elevator starts.) JACK: Emergency lockdown procedures. (He hits a button.) JACK: The elevator is returning to SD-6. The doors will automatically open. (He gives Sydney a knowing look.) (Out in the white area where the agents stand to get cleared by security outside the elevator, Chopper stands in front of the elevator with a gun pointed, ready to shoot whoever's inside the elevator. The bell dings. No one's there. Sydney and Jack are on top of the elevator, looking down.) CHOPPER: Elevator secure. (Jack and Sydney climb down the stairs from the elevator shaft and jump down. Jack takes out his gun. They walk down the hallway, getting to a door. Jack comes out, gun in hand. Sydney next. She closes the door. Jack comes around a corner with Sydney and sees the agent that was punching in the code in the red beam hallway, dead. The red beams are up. Jack and Sydney go in the hallway and he punches in a code. The red beams disappear.) JACK: The advantages of high-level clearance. Let's go. (Jack and Sydney enter an underground control room. There are cables and monitors and some sheets up on a wall. Jack starts tearing off the outside on the wires, getting to the core of them.) SYDNEY: How could K-Directorate overpower fifty trained agents? JACK: If K-Directorate attacks SD-6, they know SD-6 will return the favor. This team that's invaded SD-6, isn't working with any organization we know. My guess is they're working for a group, clearly unpredictable and dangerous. Hand me that cable. (She does.) JACK: Now plug it in. (They hook up a nearby monitor to the camera wires. Jack starts flicking through the wires, going from camera angle to camera angle. The conference room is empty, various rooms are empty.) JACK: There are six hundred cameras hidden through SD-6. (They finally spot the group of agents, everyone at SD-6, gathered together on the floor outside Sloane's office. They all have their arms tied behind their backs. A couple of men with guns watch them.) SYDNEY: Oh, my God. Look at that hardware. JACK: Latest military specs. SYDNEY: Extended magazines, compensators, laser sights... JACK: I see four. SYDNEY: There's a fifth. (Cole walks in. Dixon stares. Marshall looks scared. Sloane sits with everyone else, his back against the wall. Cole swaggers in, coming closer to Sloane.) COLE: I want to talk to you. That's the sick part. Catch up and stuff. You know, so much has happened in the last five years. This place... it hasn't changed. But you. You look... older. But that's good. Your hair... looks good. You know what the worst part is? Being left for dead in Grozny, Arvin? Well, you're going to learn the worst part. But another part that sucks is seeing guys you worked with, guys you thought were tougher than deer jerky, tortured to death. That's no good. The most ironical part for me is... we did the damn job. We blew that pipeline to hell first night we landed. But you know me, Arvin... [SCENE_BREAK] (In the control room, Sydney and Jack still watch.) SYDNEY: Do you know this guy? JACK: I know the operation. Sloane in '96 sent a team to Chechnya to destroy the Shelhemil pipeline. There were complications. The team was captured by the Russians. (Back to Cole.) COLE: And if that chopper had have been where the hell you know it should have been-- (He kicks an agent out of the way and sits down.) COLE: My whole life would have taken a different direction. SLOANE: What do you want? COLE: I got this really kick ass new job. See, I'm working for this gentleman they call The Man. And you will learn about The Man. What The Man wants is a certain little sumthin'-sumthin' you got in the SD-6 vault. SLOANE: Well, you initiated lockdown. Not only is the vault secure, the vault access room is locked now, too. COLE: Well, don't worry about the vault access room, we're taking care of that. What I need is the combination to the vault. (Sloane laughs. Cole laughs.) SLOANE: Not a chance. (Cole sits back and claps his hands a couple of times.) COLE: That's cool. (He stands up and kicks his chair he was sitting on. It slides across the room.) COLE: You still got that room downstairs, right? The "conversation room"? That's what you used to call it, right? The torture room's like you really got to admit what the hell you do down there. So, Arvin. Let's go to the conversation room! (Will's newspaper. He talks to Jenny.) WILL: Check this out. JENNY: Yeah? WILL: People victimized by the developer who's using his political connections to have their homes condemned by the city. Now we go in, shed a little light on this, protect the little guy and no one gets hurt. I'm going to go interview the developer right now. JENNY: No more McNeil? WILL: Nope. JENNY: Hmmm. Interesting. (She walks away. Will turns around and sees the envelope in his trash can. He shakes his head no and walks away.) (Dr. Barnett's office. Vaughn knocks and enters.) VAUGHN: Hi. BARNETT: Hi! VAUGHN: Michael Vaughn. We've met. BARNETT: I remember. Judy Barnett. Have a seat. VAUGHN: Thanks. (He sits down on the couch. She sits in her chair.) BARNETT: You got my voice mail? VAUGHN: Yeah, yeah. (pause) I just want you to know, I've got nothing against shrinks. BARNETT: Well, good. VAUGHN: But, I-I think this might be a waste of time. You wanted to see me because we've learned that Sydney Bristow's mother was a KGB operative who killed my father, among others. BARNETT: Yes. VAUGHN: Which is not ideal news, obviously, and yes, it's emotional, but I already knew he was killed and it happened almost twenty years ago. You know? So I really don't think I require crisis management. There's-there's no crisis. BARNETT: Everything you say to me I will keep confidential. (Vaughn seems to relax a little.) VAUGHN: Okay. (smiles) BARNETT: I wanted to talk to you about your relationship with Ms. Bristow. How often do you meet with Sydney? VAUGHN: Uh, a couple of times a week. Three or four sometimes. BARNETT: Only about operations? VAUGHN: Uh... we have met on occasion when Sydney wanted to talk to me about what was happening within SD-6 or regarding her father, when she believed he was a KGB agent and not her mother. BARNETT: You and Sydney... have a friendship? VAUGHN: She needs someone to talk to. I think you'd appreciate that. I'm the only person she can confide in. BARNETT: So you feel that your relationship with Ms. Bristow is fully appropriate, that it falls within the guidelines of agent and handler? VAUGHN: What are you asking me? BARNETT: I have gotten some reports about your behavior recently. VAUGHN: Reports from who? BARNETT: After the incident in Tuscany when you sent in an extraction team-- VAUGHN: Hey, hey, SD-6 issued an order to have Sydney killed! BARNETT: --to protect Sydney, I've been following your work. Mostly very good. VAUGHN: Thank you. That's very nice. BARNETT: Did you purchase a Christmas gift for Agent Bristow? (Pause. Vaughn looks around.) VAUGHN: Uh, I'm not familiar, Dr. Barnett, with the regulations preventing officers from celebrating with their co-workers, a fairly widely recognized holiday such as Christmas. BARNETT: May I ask you what the gift was? VAUGHN: I'd like you to tell me who's been reporting me. BARNETT: I can't tell you that. VAUGHN: Then I'm just going to have to guess. (Two guys, one who is called Endo, drill through the vault access room. Cole talks to them through a transmitter.) COLE: Endo! What's up? Where are we? I need status! ENDO: Almost done drilling. Then we'll start packing explosives. (Jack flicks from cam to cam.) JACK: Those other two. Where the hell did they go? (They see them in the vault room.) (Vault room.) ENDO: We should be in the vault within ten minutes! (Jack and Sydney.) SYDNEY: Ten minutes? What are they going for in the vault? JACK: Could be anything. Sloane was planning on sending you to Taiwan, did you know about that? SYDNEY: FTL acquired some scud launchers. He wanted me to scramble their launch codes. JACK: Marshall's working on a scrambling device for that op. Have you seen it? SYDNEY: He showed it to me last week. JACK: What does it look like? SYDNEY: Why? JACK: Sloane must have activated the emergency failsafe. There are five hundred pounds of C-4 strategically placed within the substructure of this building. Opening the vault will trigger that C-4. All underground levels will collapse, burying any evidence that the Los Angeles cell of SD-6 ever existed. SYDNEY: You want to scramble the vault codes. (Jack goes from camera to camera until he gets Marshall's office.) JACK: Can you see the scrambler in Marshall's office? SYDNEY: There it is. That compact on his desk. JACK: It's not far from his air vent. But getting into his office is too much of a risk. (Sydney sees a magnet on the wall in a shape of a fish. She gets it.) SYDNEY: So then... we fish for it. (Interrogation room where Sydney was when they thought she was the mole and where they killed Rusik. Sloane is strapped in. Cole puts on some Chapstick.) COLE: They took us to their base in Hankala. And after thirty-eight straight days of beatings, they finally got around to interrogating me. They took me into a room. They tied me to a chair. And they asked me questions about Islamic Rebels. They wanted to know where they were keeping Russian P.O.W.s and I told them, "I'm just a kid from Redondo Beach running black ops for Uncle Sam! Get it? I'm an American citizen." Well, that senior Russian officer - he didn't want any piece of that action. He had the KGB contact Langley through both front and back channels. And they never heard of me. They didn't know of any operative by the name of McKenas Cole. (Sloane smiles and looks away.) COLE: So when that Russian got off the phone, he was so pissed. He was so insane with rage. That was when he showed me this. Baby? (FGOON gets a long box from the bag on the counter and gives it to Cole.) (Jack is preparing to go in the air vent.) JACK: Watch the security feeds. If I'm caught, get out of the building through the elevator shaft as fast as you can. SYDNEY: Dad, wait. You're not doing this. JACK: Of course I am. What are you talking about? SYDNEY: No, you're not. You're going to have to crawl through a maze of air shafts, get to Marshall's office, get the scrambler, get to the vault room and scramble the code all in under ten minutes. I mean, no offense, but, Dad, I am doing this. (Pause. Jack relents.) JACK: You'll have to find your way to the vault. SYDNEY: I know. JACK: And use the scrambler. And stay low! SYDNEY: Dad, I know how to use the scrambler. I can't believe, of all things, we're saving SD-6. (She crawls in. He watches her go, listening as she bumps along the air vents. Jack puts his hand up the vent, looking worried for Sydney.) (Interrogation room. Cole holds the box.) COLE: Want to see what's inside? I know you do. I'll open it. Want me to? (Sloane looks away, bored.) COLE: You're going to give me the combination to the SD-6 vault and if you don't, I'm going to open this box. And Arvin, trust me when I tell you, you do not want me to open this box. (Restaurant. Will sits at a table, going over his notes when a girl about seventeen years old comes up to him. Her name's Kelly.) KELLY: Will Tippin? WILL: Yeah? KELLY: Oh, thank God. You're, like, the third guy I've introduced myself to. The maitre d's starting to give me an evil look. WILL: I'm sorry. Are you-are you with Carla D'Angelo's office? KELLY: Who? WILL: Car--the developer. The woman I'm supposed to meet here. KELLY: On my voice mail you said you were working on a story about my dad. WILL: Your dad? KELLY: Yeah. David McNeil? (Will's face falls. He blinks a few times.) WILL: I, uh... I never called you. You know, I don't know what you know-- KELLY: What happened with my father? I know everything. WILL: Yeah, well, we never talked. (He starts to get his things, scared.) KELLY: Okay, maybe. But we're talking now. WILL: No, no, this right here. This never happened. Look, your dad... I-I don't know him, but he seems like a good guy. KELLY: He is. He's the best. WILL: Yeah, well, I think he knows best, too. And believe me when I tell you this. He doesn't want you and I talking. KELLY: Well then who does? WILL: Good-bye. (He leaves.) (C.I.A. Haladki walks down a hall. Vaughn is on his tail and he's not happy.) VAUGHN: Haladki! What the hell is your problem, Haladki? Reporting me to Barnett? HALADKI: I don't have a problem. I told you, you have the problem. VAUGHN: You know what? This might shock you, but my business is not your business. HALADKI: I'm looking out for the good of the agency! VAUGHN: Yeah? Then you should quit! HALADKI: Stay out of my way! (He starts to walk away but Vaughn grabs him by the shoulder, pulling him back.) VAUGHN: Did it make you feel better about yourself, telling Barnett I got Sydney a Christmas gift? HALADKI: You're too emotionally attached to that woman! VAUGHN: Oh, like you would know anything about being emotionally attached to a woman! HALADKI: I think your judgement's impaired! VAUGHN: I think I'm gonna kick your ass! HALADKI: You're out of line! VAUGHN: No! You know what? You're out of line! (Vaughn grabs him by the lapels of his coat and throws him against the wall.) VAUGHN: You stay the hell away from my operations! (Weiss runs up and breaks them apart.) WEISS: Hey, hey, calm down! HALADKI: Who's out of control, Vaughn? ME? WEISS: HEY! (He takes Vaughn away.) HALADKI: Did you see that? Did everyone see that? That's what I'm talking about. (Chopper and another goon watches everyone, guns pointed. Dixon look worried.) (Sydney pulls herself up in the vent and climbs on all fours. When she's above Marshall's office and the compact, she gets the fish magnet which is tied to a string and starts lowering it through the slot on the vent. Jack, in the control room, flicks from camera to camera until he finds the one for Marshall's office. He sees the string being lowered. Sydney lowers it down but gets a ring instead. She sighs and brings it up anyway. Jack watches.) JACK: No... come on... (Sydney brings the ring up, looks at it, and pockets it. She goes down again.) (At the vault access room, Endo and another goon.) ENDO: Explosives in place. Activating detonator. (Sydney is finally at the compact, drops it. She gets it again and starts raising it up. Endo and the goon run away from the vault access room and take cover. Sydney is almost there, she has the compact... when the explosives go off. The building shakes and the desk in Marshall's office breaks. Everything falls to the floor, including the compact. Sydney brings the magnet back up and watches below. She starts moving.) (In the interrogation room, Endo enters.) ENDO: We're in. COLE: Excellent! All right, Arvin, here's the deal. We are in the vault room. Two things. One - you don't give us the codes. We got the tech to get it anyway, it'll just take a while. And two - you give us the codes, and I don't have to open the box which will be really excellent for you. SLOANE: I can't be the first person having difficulty taking you seriously, can I? COLE: Well, while that was a moderately clever retort... I'm the man holding the box. (He opens it and takes out a cloth rolled up.) COLE: Have you ever regretted being born? That's a pretty... heavy thing to experience. (He unravels it. A series of pins are on the cloth.) COLE: Regretting having emerged from your mother's womb. I mean, I've had some dark days but nothing close to regretting the day I was born, until I met [foreign language]. Needles of fire. (Marshall's office. Sydney looks down through the vent and opens the vent door. Jack watches. She starts motioning with her hands.) JACK: No, Sydney. Don't, don't... (She motions to him what she's going to do. He flicks to another camera and sees Marshall and Dixon. He starts flicking the camera, making the red light under the camera flash on and off. In the office, the door opens just as a goon looks in. Jack keeps flicking until Marshall sees it.) JACK: Good, good... MARSHALL: Ahem. (He motions to Dixon and then motions to the camera. Dixon sees the red light going on and off, like morse code. In the office, Sydney lowers herself down, hanging on the ledge of the vent. The goon looks in... Dixon starts violently shaking on the floor, gasping for breath. Jack watches.) MARSHALL: Hey! We need some help here, this guy's having a seizure! (Sydney lowers herself into the office and gets the compact and starts to lift herself up back in the vent. The goons kick Dixon and tie him in a chair.) GOON: I heard something back there. I'm going to go check it out. (Marshall stands up.) MARSHALL: Um, excuse me? As luck would have it, I'm feeling kind of a Stockholm Syndrome thing happening right now-- (The goon hits him in the head with the but of his gun. Marshall falls and rolls across the floor. Sydney flips herself back up in the vent, closes the door. Jack watches.) (In the interrogation room.) COLE: There's this little cajun food place in Abita Springs, Louisiana. It's called Rockamore's. You know what they're famous for? Making people cry. You know what makes them cry? The hot sauce. No one knows how they get that crap so hot. Legend has it that the devil comes by once a month and spits in their frying pan. Point being, the hot sauce at Rockamore's is like a fluffly vanilla ice cream cone when compared to what's in these. Each one is like you took a bag of red jalapenos, threw them in a blender, and used them for an enema. And Arvin, you're about to get to know them. (Will's office. Here, my tape goofed. Sorry.) KELLY: I want to talk to you for just a second. WILL: I want to. I just don't think we should. KELLY: Fine, whatever. Then just listen, please. What I said before about know everything. That's not true, okay? I don't know what SD-6 is, and I don't know why the people who are a part of it destroyed my life. All I do know is that they killed my mother, and framed my father. Every time I say that, it's like, do people really exist who do things like that? And if they do, isn't it our obligation to do something about it? WILL: Yeah, well, not if doing it is going to make more innocent people get hurt. KELLY: Which is why I'm here. See, I know my dad won't talk because he's afraid that something bad will happen to me if he does. WILL: Yeah. KELLY: Rob Stoller - my godfather - he knows some people who can send me away where they're never gonna find me. And I'll be safe so my dad won't be afraid anymore. I'm going to go away. Now, tomorrow, whenever I know that someone is fighting for my father. So please. If you can, just help my father. Please. (Will gets the envelope from the garbage and looks around. He opens it. A key is inside.) (Interrogation room. FGOON writes down the numbers.) SLOANE: Eight, five, nine and three. COLE: And three. (He smiles and sticks a pin in Sloane's open palm. He gasps.) COLE: Now, it takes the powder a few minutes to kick in. I can always take it out. So, Arvin, why don't you give us the real combination? (Cole and two goons with guns walk down the hallway. Cole has a piece of paper with the numbers on it. Jack sees them and flicks through the cameras, looking for Sydney and trying to see if she scrambled it yet.) JACK: Where are you... (He flicks and flicks and sees Sydney. She walks in and sees the explosion from the vault access room. Jack watches Cole coming closer to Sydney with the two huge guys with huge guns. Sydney takes out the scambler and puts it on the panel. It starts. Jack watches. She looks around. Cole is still walking. It finishes. Sydney takes the compact, slips it in her bag and moves over to the vent. She escapes. Cole walks in just as Sydney is putting the air vent cover back on. He moves to the panel and punches in the code. Jack watches. A buzzer sounds.) VOICE: Access denied. COLE: SLOANE! (He slams his hand against the panel and hears something in the air vent. He takes the gun from oen of the goons. Sydney moves through the vent on all fours, unaware. One of the goons has the heartbeat detector from before and sees that someone's in the vent. Cole fires his gun and shoots the vent. Sydney yelps and moves up in the vent, out of harm's way.) VOICE: Target out of range. COLE: Go get 'em! (He gives one of the goons the gun back. The two goons take off. Sydney hides in the vent in the corner, barely hanging on. She hears someone coming. Panting, she tries holding on to the edge.)

When armed intruders take over SD-6 led by McKenas Cole, a man bent on exacting revenge on ex-boss Sloane, Sydney and Jack must work together to save their "colleagues". Meanwhile, Will Tippin fears that his investigation of SD-6 and its link to the murder of Eloise Kurtz (alias Kate Jones) is placing his life in serious jeopardy.

fd_The_Office_04x11

fd_The_Office_04x11_0

Toby: I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did. Meredith: I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen. Toby: Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in] Michael: Morning. Toby: Michael. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Did you sleep in cabins? Toby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come. Phyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Who went? Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores." [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside] Michael: [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up. Toby: Michael wasn't invited. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real. Jim: Got it. Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go? Jim: Absolutely, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Really? Jim: Yeah? Michael: Oh, you wanna go today? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And I am always busy. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood. Michael: How often can you actually donate blood? Jim: Is there a limit? Michael: Your body only has a certain amount. Jim: Well, is that it? Or? Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame. Jim: How so? Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands] Jim: What's that? Michael: Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself--- Jim: Right. Michael: In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change. Jim: Not gonna change. Michael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos. Jim: I thought we had that looked at. Michael: I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife. Dwight: [winks] I'm on it. [leaves room] Michael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what... Dwight: Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk] Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose." [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. Pam: Do you want me to ask where you're going? Michael: No. Pam: Great. Michael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness. Pam: Oh. Michael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours. Jim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this? Michael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me. Jim: OK, great. Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I. Jim: Yup. Michael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being. Jim: That'd be great. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way[/b]: no, I do not. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead. Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape. Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive. Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead. Michael: Well... Dwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. Michael: You... Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer. Michael: You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK. Dwight: What are you doing? Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing? Dwight: It would be better if you were unconscious. Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it. Dwight: Do you want to do this right or not? Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday. Jim: Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday? Angela: Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember? Jim: I do remember, yeah. Angela: It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers... Jim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party? Angela: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday! Kelly: Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday! Oscar: Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday! Phyllis: Oh! [Michael laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time. Angela: I don't like it. [Angela leaves] Pam: Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh? Jim: It's a pretty good idea, don't you think? Pam: Do you think it's a good idea? Jim: No... I think it's a great idea. Pam: [smiles] Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: We're here. [gets out of the car] Michael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out. Dwight: [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know, try sending them another invoice. Oscar: Ok. Jim: Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way? Oscar: [picks up and reads memo] "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool. Jim: Right? I was just thinking... Oscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun. Jim: Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles] Michael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just -- Dwight: I'm just -- Michael: Stop. Dwight: Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold. Michael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight. Dwight: Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape. Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug] Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off] [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake? Jim: What's that? Meredith: I really prefer devils food cake. Jim: Oh, sure. Meredith: Yes! Jim: OK. [Meredith leaves] Pam: Wow! That was easy. Jim: Yeah, people like me I guess. Creed: [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I hate devils food. Jim: Well I think Meredith was just -- Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday. Jim: Everybody's birthday. Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake. Jim: What do you want? Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie. Jim: You want a birthday pie? Creed: I want a nice cobbler. Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie. Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen. Jim: It will be Angela. Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck]. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk] Jim: Andy. Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale. Jim: Not your birthday. Andy: Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale. Jim: Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no. Andy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up. Jim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make. Andy: Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk] Jim: Alright. [Andy rolls back] Andy: Pizza rolls. Jim: OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here. Andy: Mushroom caps. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs]. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them? Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break. Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die. Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple? Stanley: Why don't you mind your business? Creed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care. Oscar: Probably went to his head. Creed: Yeah. [Jim enters room] Oscar: Hey, Jim. Jim: Hey guys, what're we talking about? Creed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [knocks] Hey Jim. Jim: Toby. Toby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea. Jim: Oh, thanks man. Toby: Yeah... Jim: Is there anything -- Toby: My birthday was two months ago. Jim: Oh, OK. Toby: There was no party. Jim: What? Toby: Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot. Jim: I remember that. Toby: I don't know, I just thought you could include me. Jim: Seriously? Toby: I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right? Angela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps. Toby: I'm allergic to mushrooms. Jim: That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing. Pam: [raises hand] Conference room? Jim: Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it. Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?' Kevin: Oh, I'll take 'em. Creed: Well nobody's touching my cobbler. Phyllis: [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth] Dwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth] [SCENE_BREAK] Everybody: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie] Michael: Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, buddy. Jim: Hey. Michael: What up? Jim: Sure glad you're back. Michael: You are relieved. Jim: You have no idea. Michael: So what did I miss? Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once. Michael: Oh. Jim: So, terrible idea. Michael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake. Jim: You did do it? Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out. Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years. Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said. Jim: That's what who said? Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard. Jim: That's what she said. Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

When Michael is not invited to a company wilderness retreat hosted by Ryan, he decides to prove that he has the ability to survive on his own. Dwight drops Michael in the middle of a forest, and although told to leave, stays to prevent Michael from injury. When Michael almost eats poisonous mushrooms, Dwight jumps out to save him just in time. Meanwhile, back at the office, Jim, as the number two, decides to combine birthday parties for three members of the staff whose birthdays fall in quick succession. The plan, though, is poorly received by the staff, and Jim returns to having individual birthdays just as Michael and Dwight come back.

fd_NCIS_05x01

fd_NCIS_05x01_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] NCIS THEME Black-and-white snapshot of Jenny. In her office, Jenny is asleep. She dreams of her father and attends his suicide. She awoke roughly when her father shot. She closes a drawer which contain a gun. In La Grenouille's limo Jeanne: My father knows everything about you. La Grenouille: Only what my daughter tells me. Jeanne: And I tell hil everything. Tony laught nervously followed by Jeanne most naturally. Tony: That's great. So here we all are, on aour way to... Where exacty are we headed? La Grenouille: I dont' know. Breakfast? A chance for us to get know each other. Jeanne nodds. La Grenouille: I'm sure you have lot of questions. I know I do. Jeanne: My apartment first, papa. You wouldn't believe the night we've had. Tony squirms on the seat and tries to quietly take his phone while Jeanne continues to speak. He can not. Jeanne: I was very frightening. Tony: Yes, your daughter is very impressive with a scalpel, Mr Benoit. La Grenouille: Please, Rene. Jeanne (to Tony): You never told me you could shoot. Tony: Well I can't, clearly. I missed Jeanne: On purpose. René Benoit: There was a shooting in the hospital? Tony: It's a long story Rene. René Benoit: We have all week-end. Tony: Well, it's really more of Jeanne's long story than mine. Jeanne: There was this crazy young guy who tried to smuggle heroin into the country and he got hit by a car... Tony tries to quietly take his phone under the suspicious gaze of René. Jeanne: .... one of the bags in his stomach burst but we didn't know until it was too late. And then ... She is interrupted by the ringing of his topper. Jeanne: I forgot to sign the death certificate to release the body. Sorry Papa. René Benoit (to his driver): Henry, back to the hospital. Henry: Yes sir. Tony: Well, I guess breakfast is gonna have to wait. René Benoit: And all those intriguing questions. The elevator doors opened, Ziva is inside. She starts to step out but McGee is before the gates. Ziva and McGee (in the same times): What're you doing here? Ziva: I asked first. McGee: Well, technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to a test, you'd find that it was too close to call. But since my parents raised a gentleman, and yours raised a killer, I was deffraging my computers. Ziva: Liar. She goes to the office talking. Ziva: Have you heard from Tony? McGee: You came into the office on a Saturday morning because you're worried about Tony? Ziva (Seeing the remains of food on McGee's desk): You have been here all night? McGee: Is that a question or a statement? Ziva: Question. McGee: It sounded more like a statement. Ziva: Demands a answer. McGee: Yes, I've been here all night. Ziva: Fragging the computers? McGee: "Deffraging". You need to work your inflections when you're asking a question. For example, why are you worried about Tony? Ziva: He was supposed to meet us at the bar last night. He did not arrive, did not call. He's not answering his home phone or his cell phone. Do you have the number to his second cell phone? McGee: The one he uses for his private calls? Ziva: Yes. McGee: No. Ziva sees Gibbs' desk with food on it. Ziva: Gibbs was here all night too. Are we a team McGee? Gibbs' voice: Morning Ziva. He arrives. Gibbs: Nothing better to do on a Saturday morning? Ziva: Teams do not have secrets Gibbs. And if you do not tell me what you were both doing here last night, McGee know he will... Ziva smiles. Ziva: ... eventually. Hospital's parking The limo parks. Jeanne goes out followed of Tony. Jeanne: Won't be long. Tony: I can come with you if you want Jeanne: No need. He won't bite. It starts, Rene out of the limousine from the other side and Tony beeps Jenny on her cell phone. René Benoit: Coffee? Tony: Coffee would be great. René Benoit: Good. While we wait, you can tell me how you stole my daughter's heart. They move away from the limo. Abby's lab The director enters, Abby is asleep on the floor. Jenny sees that the research she had given to Abby has a result. The analysis reveals that the fingerprints taken on glass is one of Jasper Shepard, her father. Jenny erases all the results and Abby wakes with a start. Abby: I'll get it. I'll get it. Director. Jenny: I'm sorry for keeping you here all night Abby. Abby: You know what, that's okay. It's not the first time I've woke up on the floor. And not just his floor. Not that I make it a habit of passing out on floor. And not that this isn't a really comfortable floor. If I had to... I'm awake now. Jenny's phone rings. It is the cell coverage of Tony, but she did not have time to respond. Jenny: Thank Abby, you can go now. Abby (looking at her computer): Did we have a match. Jenny: No. She leaves the lab. Abby: Poor guys. Humming away all night and for nothing. She taps on his keyboard and context "delete search" appears. Abby: What search result? Jasper Shepard's photo appears. Abby: This is not good. Ziva: Why would the CIA come after the director? Gibbs: You tell me. Ziva: Protecting their asset. McGee: La Grenouille. Ziva: Does the director know? Jenny's voice: Know what? She comes. McGee: That it's Saturday, and we are all here on our day off, because we love our jobs. Ziva: Except for Tony who is missing. Jenny: McGee, I want you to triangulate a cell number: 202-555-0177. Gibbs: DiNozzo in trouble? Ziva: I knew it. McGee is tapping on his keyboard, Gibbs looks over his shoulder. Jenny: The woman Tony has been seeing, Jeanne Benoit, is la Grenouille's daughter. McGee: He's been on assignment? Gibbs has came himself in front of Jenny. Gibbs: You did plan to tell us at some point? Jenny: If it led us to her father, yes Gibbs: Yeah, did it? Jenny: I don't know. Gibbs: You wanna tell us what you do know director? Jenny: Tony just contacted me unsing his alias's cell. It was a prearranged signal using only in emergency if he thought his cover had been blown. McGee: Triangulating. He displays the result on the plasma. Ziva: Anthony DiNardo, cute. Jenny: I want this fed to MTAC and I want satellite coverage. McGee: On its way. Before hospital Tony and Rene Benoit take cafes. René Benoit: So, what did Jeanne tell you about me? Tony: Oh, everything. World's greatest dad. René Benoit: Children want to believe the best of their parents. I'm sure you believe your father is a good man? Tony: He was. René Benoit: Still, love has a way of blinding us to the imperfections. They walk. Tony: It's still live René Benoit: True. And we both love Jeanne . Tony: Yes we do. René Benoit: Are you going to break my daughter's heart? Tony: No, sir, not if I can help it. René Benoit: Sometimes we lie to the people we love in order to protect them, true? Tony: You've lied to Jeanne? René Benoit: Well, have you? Jeanne leaves hospital. Tony: Here she comes. Tony grabs him by the waist. Jeanne: Done. Now let's get out of here before they remember something else Tony: I have to move my car, because... Jeanne: They'll tow you for sure. They are murder around here. René Benoit: We wouldn't want that. Stay close. Wouldn't want to lose you. Tony: No chance of that. Everyone goes to his car. NCIS, MTAC The street plan of the city is displayed, a diamond marks the position of Tony. McGee: He's on 22nd Street Northwest outside Monroe University Hospital. Jenny: He's on the move. McGee: He must be in car. Jenny: How long until get satellite coverage? McGee: At least 15 mins. Looking annoyed Gibbs sat in a chair, coffee in hand. McGee: Or we could patch into D.C's traffic-cam system. See if we can locate him on the traffic-cam management. Gibbs: Do it. Jenny (to Ziva on the phone): Anything? Ziva: Still not answering. Shall I try his undercover cell phone? Jenny: Put it on speaker. (Tony messaging, music of 20th Century Fox): Hi, you've reached Professor Tony DiNardo. Leave a message and I will get back to you. I promise. Jenny: His cover is teaching film online at American University. Ziva (to McGee): Tony, a teacher? McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Whose bright idea was that? Jenny: Mine. McGee's computer beeps . McGee: We're in. Jenny: Bring it up. Images of the movement appear on the big plasma. McGee: Got it. Overlaying the cell-phone signal. Ziva: Tony's car. McGee: Tony DiNardo's car. Gibbs: How deep is his cover? Jenny: Deep enough to withstand the sort of scrutiny la Grenouille can bring to bear. Gibbs: You better hope so. McGee: West on M Street. Jenny: No one else is in the car with him. She tries to call him. McGee: He's turning north onto 29th Street. Ziva: trafic speed. No sign of dureless. Jenny: His cell phone is still of. Ziva: No one seems to be tailling him. Gibbs: Maybe he's the one doing the tailling. McGee: Still on 29th. Tony's car exploses. The whole team was surprised. Jenny: Oh my God! Black and white snapshot: Gibbs The staff and the director arrived at the place where Tony's car has explosed. Firefighters deviate to let the team work. We see a charred body bent over the wheel of the car. Gibbs: McGee. McGee looks at the car and can not be detached. Gibbs: McGee! McGee out of its torpor and takes pictures of the particular weapon and the phone while Jenny looks at Tony's body and found an object. Jenny (to McGee): Hey, that some of timer device? McGee leans over and takes the object photographed. McGee: Ten bucks in most electrical stores. Probably activated when the ignition turned on. Ziva took the car photo. McGee: ... Count down however long you need it to. When it reached zero... Jenny gets up and walks to Ducky who examined the body, Gibbs by his side. Ducky: Shock wave would have killed him before the fire. Death would have been instantaneous. Small mercies, my dear boy. Jenny: Identification? Ducky: The general build, height, weight are about right. Most of the epidermis and dermis on the hands and fingers have been burned off, so no fingerprints. We need to get his dental records for positive identification. And there is any chance that it's not Tony? Jenny: None that I can think of. She walks away. Ducky (to Gibbs): She blames herself. Gibbs nodded. Ducky: Should she? Gibbs: Let me know when you finish, Duck. He goes in turn. Ziva on his side the badge photograph of Tony. McGee is with her. McGee: You believe in miracles, Ziva? Ziva: Not part of my training. McGee: That might be not Tony. They both look the car silently. Abby's lab. It removes the evidence found at the scene of the accident. Gibbs is also there. Abby: Tony is not dead Gibbs. Not until Ducky says it's him. Until then, he's just... he's not here. And I don't care what the evidence says. Even if everything here belongs to Tony, it's still not him until Ducky says that it's him. And don't try to tell me anything different, because I'm not gonna believe you. She freezes. Abby: Tell me it's not him Gibbs. Tell me it's not him. She takes Gibbs in his arms. Gibbs: I wish I could Abby. She departs from him and goes to his computer. Abby: I need to be alone right now with the gang. I've got work to do. Gibbs sees the bottle of scotch and glass that gave Jenny the analysis. He takes gloves. Gibbs: Abby, how did these get here? Abby: Director Shepard swore me to secrecy when she brought those in and asked me to run them for the prints, so I can't tell you. He took off the gloves and approached her. Gibbs: Any other secrets you can't tell me? Abby: No. It's just that one. Because when director Shepard said that there wasn't an AFIS match, and then tries to hide the results from me, she actually didn't swear me to secrecy, so that is not a secret. Gibbs: Who was the match? Abby: Her father. Gibbs: Her father has been dead for 12 years, Abby. Abby: No, not according to AFIS. She taps on his keyboard and displays the results. Abby: That is a ten-point match, Gibbs. These are new prints. There's no way Director Shepard's father is dead. Director's Shepard office Jenny looks out the window. Gibbs is in his office. Jenny: I burried my father Jethro. I know he's not comming back. But someone is going to great lenghts trying to convince me he's alive. She turns and faces Gibbs. Gibbs: We've got a polygraph test Monday. Jenny: Routine. Gibbs: They're targeting someone. Jenny: Me? Gibbs: So I've been told. Jenny: I've never failed a polygraph. I'm not abour to start. Gibbs: And if they asked you about your father? Jenny: He's dead. Gibbs: Any doubt, any hesitation will raise a red flag. Jenny: There is no doubt. Gibbs: I saw his fingerprints. Jenny: My father's dead. Gibbs: Subject displayed emotional instability suggesting delusional belief her father isn't dead. Next question. We just put her on medical leave or we fire her? Jenny defies Gibbs. Gibbs: Opération Lodestone, you know it? Jenny: Should I? Gibbs: Black op, focused on weapons control and arms proliferation. Jenny: Not one of ours. Gibbs: CIA. Jenny: My father's job at the Pentagon was in a field of arms control. He was under investigation for accepting a bribe when he was killed. Gibbs: Coroner says he took his own life. Jenny: He was murdered. Gibbs: Proof? Jenny: None, but I know who's responsible. Gibbs: The same guy you sent one of my agents after? Jenny: One of my agents. A deep undercover operation that I ran on a need-to-know basis. Gibbs sighed and headed toward the exit. Jenny: And Jethro if you think I'm obsessed with la Grenouille because of what's happened to my father, you're wrong. Gibbs: You may wanna skip this polygraph test Monday. Gibbs leaves. McGee looks again the images of the explosion of the car. Ziva is at her desk. Ziva: Must you keep doing that? McGee: Just checking something Gibbs said. Tony wouldn't have carried it with him, you know. His shield and ID, not if he was undercover. And he would have stashed it in the car, maybe under the seat. Just because we found his ID doesn't mean it's Tony. Ziva: His car, his ID, his weapon, both of his cell phones, McGee? McGee sits on the edge of the office of Gibbs and rewinds the video. Ziva gets up and comes near him. Ziva: What was is that Gibbs said that you thought needed checking? McGee: He thought Tony might be talling someone. They will view the video. Ziva (outstretched hand to the screen): Stop it there. Take it back. McGee rewinds. A limousine is displayed. Ziva: It's a limousine. It was on the previous camera. It's on every camera. McGee: He was following that limousine. He goes to his computer. Ziva: Where is Gibbs? Ducky's autopsy room Ducky is currently disequations lung. Palmer is at his side, winning in a small jar that is Ducky. Ducky: Another shrapnel, lower left lobe. He puts it in the little jar. A bell rang. Palmer: Blood test are back. He take the paper. Ducky: What type? Palmer: A+ Ducky: And Tony's? Palmer looks into the computer. Palmer: A+ Ducky sighed. Ducky: Yes, well, 34 percent of the nation's population share the same blood group, let's not go drawing any conclusions. Well, await the dental records before making a positive ID. in the meantime,.... It begins to dictate his report, Palmer is taking notes. Ducky: ...the lungs: penetratives shrapnel damage, middle and lower left lobes. Otherwise, heathly tissue. Non-smoker, minimal scarring. Palmer (writing): Minimal scarring. Ducky: Minimal scarring. Palmer: I got that doctor. Ducky: Yes but Mr Palmer, how could he? Palmer: How could he what, sir? Ducky: Have minimal scarring in both lung. He takes a knife and cut the lung. Palmer: Healthy living? Ducky: Yersinia pestis, y pestis. Palmer: The pneumonic plague? Ducky: Yes, the plague Mr Palmer. This man has never had the plague. They smile. Ducky starts from. Ducky: He's never had the plague. Palmer: No, he has never had the plague. Ducky: He never had this damn plague. He took off his gloves and threw them in Palmer. Palmer laughed. Ziva, McGee and the director are before the plama. Gibbs stands a little further. Ziva: The limousine is leased to a shell company. The parent company is EuroFreight. McGee: Head office is in Luxembourg. Ziva: The principal behind the company is Rene Benoit. McGee: Tony could been followed la Grenouille. Ducky arrives and goes to Gibbs. Ducky: I'm sorry to differ Timothy but he wasn't. (To Gibbs) Look, Tony contracted pneumonic plague, I'm sure everyone can remember. Ziva: Before my time. McGee: He almost died. Ducky (to Ziva): From severe pneumonia. (To everyone) As a result, his lung would have been extensively scarred. Unlike the almost pristine lung of the man currently in autopsy. The body on which I am performing an autopsy is not Tony's. All smiles. Jenny: If it's not Tony, then who is it? Gibbs: And where is DiNozzo? Black-and-white snapshot of Jenny Jenny is in front of the plasma, McGee and Ziva to their office. Gibbs looks over the shoulder of McGee. Jenny: I wanna know everything about this company. Bank statements, telephone records, personnel. McGee: Hard drive's spinning up now. Jenny: Everything Tim. If la Grenouille is in D.C, this could lead us to him. Gibbs: Or DiNozzo. Jenny: Well, obviously DiNozzo is our first priority. Gibbs: Ziva, start with the hospital. Find out when DiNozzo left and with whom. Ziva: And who was driving his car. Got it. Trent Kort arrives. Kort: Director Shepard. Jenny: Mr Kort. An unannounced visit by the CIA usually means someone's in trouble. I trust it isn't you. Kort watching everyone. Kort: Where is he? Jenny: It depend on who "he" is. Kort: DiNozzo. McGee rises. Jenny: I honestly don't know. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you until you explain to me why you're looking for me so urgently. Kort: Le Grenouille flew to D.C this morning. He didn't arrive at his safe house... Gibbs rises of his office. Kort: ... and his satellite phone has stopped transmitting. Gibbs: Mislaid your arms dealer? That's gonna be embarrassing. Kort: I don't know what NCIS is up to, but I want a private briefing in your office now. Jenny: I'll decide what briefing you get and where you get it, Mr Kort, and if we have a problem with that, why don't you have your director give me call. Kort: You are jeopardising one of the most important long-terme covert operations the agency has ever conducted. Gibbs: Operation Lodestone. Kort: You're not read in on Lodestone. Gibbs: Ok, so read us in. Jenny: Unless the CIA just believes in one-way trafic. Kort: This is not going to end well for you. He heads toward the elevator followed by everyone. Gibbs: Special agent DiNozzo's car was bombed this morning but I guess you know that. Kort: He wasn't in it. Jenny: Thanks for sharing. Kort: The agency has nothing to do with it. Gibbs: Is that when you mislaid your frog, in all that confusion? The elevator doors opened on Tony who laught when he see Kort. Tony: Hey, my car blew up this morning. Did you do that? Kort took him by the collar and the plate against the wall. Kort: Where did you go with la Grenouille? Tony turns his head and it means the team all weapons out and pointed at Kort. He lets Tony. Tony: Actually he prefers René. Arms dealers get very touchy about their code names... The team lowers his arms. Tony: ... "The Frog" has a kind of slimy overtone to it. Maybe you should keep that in mind for next time. You could use it yourself. Kort: We will find him, DiNozzo. Tony: You may wanna take the stairs. I had a little upset tummy this morning. Kort enters the elevator. Tony: Happy frog-hunting. (To the team). What, no balloons? [SCENE_BREAK] In director's office Tony, Jenny and Gibbs watches the video of the explosion of the car. Tony: That was more exciting live. They all sit around a table. Tony in front of Gibbs. Jenny: You saw it? You were there? Tony: Saw it, heard it, felt it. Jenny: You can start whenever you're ready. Tony: He was waiting when I left the hospital this morning with Jeanne. She'd arranged it. It was her little surprised, I guess. Meet the parents: Part 2. I hat sequels... Gibbs smiles. Tony: ... Figured my cover was blown as soon as saw him. Turned out he'd know for months. Gibbs: Kort? Tony: Probably. I tried talking my way out if it. [SCENE_BREAK] Tony gets into his car in the garage of the hospital. [SCENE_BREAK] Tony: Made it as far as my car. [SCENE_BREAK] René Benoit: Tony! Tony: Crap! René Benoit: These's no need to take your car. Henri will drive it. You come with Jeanne and me. Tony: Oh, that's really nice of you. I gotta go, I really ... I need to go home and change... René Benoit: I will have to insist, agent DiNozzo. Tony gets out of the car. Tony (to Henri): Be careful with the second. It tends a stick a little. Henry: Your cell-phone? Tony gives it to him. René Benoit: Both of them. [SCENE_BREAK] Jenny: Did la Grenouille tell Jeanne who you were? Tony: They didn't miss a beat. Pretended everything was fine. That didn't last long. I could see this guy driving my car a few car lenght behind us when...boum. [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the limo. Behind her, Tony's car explodes. René Benoit (to Jeanne): Stay down. (To the driver) Allez!!! [SCENE_BREAK] Tony uses a drink of water. Jenny: What was la Grenouille's first reaction? Tony: That he was the target. He drinks, sighs. Tony: I'm not so sure. Gibbs: You think it was you, Tony? Tony: It was my car, boss. And we have certainely pissed off the agency a lot lately. Well, the director and I have pissed off the agency a lot lately. Although, mainly me. Gibbs: For what it's worth, Kort denied the agency involvement. Tony: That's because Kort doesn't play by agency rules. The guy's got a hair trigger. Jenny: Where did la Grenouille take you? Tony: Well, kind of blew away the breakfast plans. Blew away a lot of things. Jenny: Jeanne. Tony: It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Jenny: You never really thought it could end any other way, did you? Tony: You mean, other than badly? Jenny: You're not supposed to fall in love with him. Tony: Thank you so much for that, director. I am gonna keep that in mind for next time. Wait a second, there's not gonna be a next time. Jenny: What did Jeanne say? Tony: Nothing I'm gonna tell you. Jenny: Agent DiNozzo! Tony: Nothing you need to know, director. Furious sight from Jenny but proud from Gibbs. Jenny: Where is la Grenouille? Tony: I don't know. He dropped me off at the main gate. Drove west. Probably heading to California. He was driving pretty fast. He could even be there now. Talk about his future. Gibbs: Yeah? About what? Tony: Doesn't think he has one. Jenny: Probably doesn't. Tony: He wants out. Gibbs: Kort knows. Tony: That would explain why he's so desperate to find him. The CIA is about to lose one of its most prized assets. Jenny: What exactly does he mean by "out"? Tony: Well, he's gonna call and arrange a meeting. And give himself up. Because he says NCIS is the only agency he trusts. Ziva is on the phone. Ziva: What time? Did she say how long she would be gone? McGee arrives and gives him coffee. He sits on the edge of the desk. Ziva: No, no, I understand. Thank you. Tony McGee arrives and slaps on the back of the head, then will move to his office. McGee: What was that for? Tony: Believing I was dead. McGee: Hey, I never believe that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you. She gives him a punch on the arm. Ziva (to Tony): Don't even think about the head slap. Is everything cool with the director and Gibbs? Tony takes his phone. Tony (to Ziva): Beyond cool. Almost icy. Ziva: You seem anxious. Tony: I'm fine. Anyone call for me? McGee: No. Ziva: If you're calling the hospital, she's not there. She called the ER to let them know she was going away for a few days. Tony hangs up the phone violently. Tony: Going where? Ziva: She did not tell them. Tony: Well... Ziva: She knows? Tony: She knows. Ziva: What are you going to do? Tony: I am gonna wait until the morning and then talk to her. Abby comes screaming and runs into the arms of Tony. Abby: Tony! I knew you were all right. I knew it. Everybody else give up for dead, even Ziva. Ziva (a paper cup in the hands): Ok, so I may have acted a little hastily. Tony: That's my letter opener. Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull but I have always admired it. Tony opens his drawer. Tony: Where is my American Pie coffee mug? Abby: Palmer. Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler? Abby: Ducky. Behind Tony, Ducky tries to discreetly put the staples. Abby: Hey Ducky. Tony turns. Ducky: My dear fellow I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home. He gives the staples to Tony and left. Gibbs arrives. Gibbs: It's not every day people think you are dead DiNozzo. Abby (running to Gibbs): Gibbs, I know who blew up Tony's car. Well not Tony's car, but his alias's car. And not exactly who but more like how and why. McGee: Do you have a motive? Abby: Me? No. But they do. Abby's lab Abby explains his theory to the whole team. Abby: Every bomb-maker has a signature: the components, the way it's assembled. Sometimes right down the colored tape they use to bind it all together. In this case, the components are common to at least 9 others bombs that have gone off in the last 4 years. She goes to his computer and showed pictures of explosions. Abby: I made a match on Interpol. The bombs have gone off all over the world: Algeria, Indonesia, the Middle-East, Chechnya... Ziva: Anything linking the victims? Abby: They were all arms dealers. McGee: The only problem is Tony's not an arms dealer. Gibbs: Girlfriend's father is an arms dealer. Tony: She's been working nights. I pick up her every morning for breakfast. Ziva: You park the car, they strap on the bomb set the timer and walk away. Gibbs: You weren't the target, she was. Tony: Maybe she still is. Gibbs: Take Ziva. Tony et Ziva leaves. Gibbs (to Abby): Good. Director Shepard's house Jenny opens the door of his house, her cell phone rings. Jenny: Hello?. René Benoit: Good evening Madam Director. Jenny: Good evening. I've been told you wanna meet me. René Benoit: Long overdue. I'm sure. She turns the lights on and closes the doors. Jenny: Just tell me where and when. René Benoit: Now. In you study. La Grenouille is in front of her in her office. René Benoit: Hello, Jenny. Black-and-white snapshot of a boat. Jeanne's apartment Tony and Ziva arrives at the apartment of Jeanne. They enter. Tony: Jeanne? The cupboards are empty. Jenny's house Jenny and la Grenouille are in the office thereof. She stays away from him. René Benoit: So here we are at last. Face to face. Jenny: Not quite the way I expected to meet. René Benoit: Nor I. I must compliment you for your pursuit. They settled in a chair, Jenny is behind his desk. René Benoit: I actually like your agent DiNizzo. Jenny: So does your daughter. René Benoit: Very much, yes. Jenny: What do you want from us? René Benoit: Well, a sanctuary, assylum. Call it what you will. In return of my extensive knewledge of the arms market, I want protection for my daughter. Jenny: Protection from whom? Gibbs enters. Gibbs: Whoever tried to kill his daughter this morning. René Benoit rises. René Benoit: Agent Gibbs, I believe. Well, it's true. My ennemis come for my daughter. They wanna see me suffer. But she's safe. For the time being. Gibbs: Which ennemis? René Benoit: I have many. Jenny: Why now? Gibbs: This have something to do with Operation Lodestone? René Benoit: He's well informed. Jenny: Read us in. René Benoit: On what? The arrogance to the CIA to do what? Make me the biggest arms dealer in the world? Gibbs: You control the illegal arms trade, the CIA controls you. René Benoit: That was the idea. Until you came along and someone found out. Another arms dealer perhaps. And I'm running out of time. I can no longer trust Kort. Gibbs: Did you ever? Jenny rise. Jenny: This isn't the first time you were in this study. René Benoit: No. I met your father here on occasion. Many years ago. Jenny: Tell me about us. René Benoit: He was a fine man. He had a couscience. One day, it got the better of him. Jenny: You believe the story that my father took a bribe while overseeing an arms-reduction treaty? René Benoit: Well, sadly, that's not a story. It's a fact. Jenny: How do you know? René Benoit: Because I paid him that bribe. She pulls out a gun from his drawer and points to la Grenouille. Jenny: No. You killed him because he wouldn't take it. René Benoit: Well, I can understand how hard that is to accept. My daughter is... she's facing the same struggle. Jenny round the office and is placed in front of the trafficker. Gibbs (to Jenny): It's not loaded. I guess he beat you to it. René Benoit: I didn't want you to do anything rash before I had a chance to explain myself. I need your protection. Jenny: You have the bullets. Take the damn gun. Protect yourself. She puts the gun in his hands. René Benoit: You're sign my death warrant. Jenny: Twelve years overdue. He put a card on the desk. René Benoit: Here's my number in case you change your mind. Jenny: You'd better leave before I do. René Benoit: I hope my daughter is as loyal to her father as you are to yours. He leaves the house. Jenny is drinking a scotch. Gibbs: You just let your personal obsession get in away of your professional responsability. Jenny: That's a lot of crap, and you know it, Jethro. There no deals for men like him. You wanna chase after him right now and arrest him without a warrant, you go right ahead. But we both know that Kort will have him out before breakfast. Gibbs: Then get your damn warrant. Jenny: You get a warrant. But you'd better do it fast before his friends get him first. Gibbs: If the weapon was loaded, and I wasn't here, would you have pulled the trigger? Jenny: I guess we'll never know. He put a charger on her desk and leave. Jeanne's apartment Ziva is a letter from Jeanne, she gives it to Tony. Ziva: On the table. Tony opens it and reads it, then he turned to Ziva a smile. Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva? Ziva: Yes Tony: They ever forgive you? Ziva: They never found out. Tony: Mine found out. Ziva: He told her. Tony: No. I did. [SCENE_BREAK] Tony and Jeanne are sitting on a bench in a park. La Grenouille is later. Jeanne: I don't understand what's happening? Tony, that was your car. Your car that just... It could have been you. It should have been you. Tony: Tell me you love me. Tell me. Jeanne: I do. It's just everything that's happened... Happened today. Last night, the way you handled things, the gun. The gun firing it the way you did, and now this? It's like you're someone else, Tony. Someone else. Someone I don't know. What is it? In his corner, la Grenouille yells on a phone. Jeanne: You are, aren't you? Someone else. Who? Who are you? Tony: I'm a federal agent. My name isn't Tony DiNardo, it's Anthony DiNozzo and I work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Jeanne: This is all been a lie. A lie? Tony: Jeanne, listen to me. Not all of it, not everything. Just some things. Not the importants things. Jeanne: Why? Just tell me why you did this. What it is I'm supposed to have done. Tell me. Tony: It's not you. He looks at la Grenouille. Jeanne: What? Tony: You should ask him. She leaves, Tony is alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Tony: Well he said she'd come back after she calmed down. I guess he was wrong. Ziva: I will put out a BOLO. We will find her. Tony: She doesn't wanna be found. Ziva leaves and Tony lot sits against the couch. McGee is on his computer, Ziva plays on her cell phone. McGee: No luck? Ziva: Not at home. And he's not replaced his cell phone yet. McGee: Maybe he took the day off. Ziva: Gibbs would have told us. Gibbs arrives a coffee in his hand. Gibbs: Gibbs would have told you officer David? Ziva: If Tony was taking some time off. Gibbs: Yeah, you're right. There always more work to be done when you're a man down on the shift. McGee? McGee: I think I've got something here, boss. I found another one of la Grenouille's shell companies. Similar of the one that leased the stretch limo, only this one leases a yacht down at the Gangplank marina called the Mauritania. Gibbs: How big? McGee: Eighty feet, three state rooms. Ziva checked with the marina management. Someone's been staying there since Saturday. Older guy with an accent. They think he's French. Gibbs: And a younger woman? Ziva: No, he said he was alone. Gibbs: Warrant? Ziva: Just arrived from Legal. It is all in order. They could not guarantee it would not stop a concerted legal challenge from the Agency. Gibbs: Yeah, let them try. Let's go. The team takes its business. Marina The team arrived at the marina to the boat. They are armed and boarded. They searched the boat but it is empty. Ziva: He's gone. McGee: Maybe he was never here. Gibbs find la Grenouille's jacket. Gibbs: He was here. They descend from the boat. McGee: We'll catch up with him eventually. Ziva: Someone will. Gibbs: One day. On the boat, we see a silhouette. In the water floats the body of the frog, shot in the head.

Directly following the events from the previous episode, "Angel of Death", Tony is still undercover as Anthony DiNardo and meets Jeanne's father, La Grenouille, who is aware of Tony's true identity, which Tony later reveals to Jeanne, upsetting her. The team are also led to the assumption that Tony is dead, as while watching the security cameras, Tony's car explodes and Ducky's analysis indicates the body could be that of Tony, but realizes that it is not because of his lungs. Director Shepard reveals to Agent Gibbs and his team that she had given Tony an undercover mission to build a relationship with Jeanne in hopes of capturing La Grenouille after spending nearly ten years searching for him. Around the same time, Tony returns to NCIS Headquarters and is greeted first by Kort, who angrily shoves him against the wall of the elevator for worsening the situation. La Grenouille approaches Director Shepard for protection after deciding to quit the arms smuggling business against the CIA's wishes. However, Shepard refuses his plea for asylum out of pure spite and devotion to her late father. The team tries to track down La Grenouille again and find his boat, but not the man himself. They believe he made his escape and leave, but the camera pans to the water to show La Grenouille's floating corpse while also revealing that he has sustained a single gunshot wound to his forehead.

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•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] GILES VOICEOVER: Previously... Buffy and Spike against the wall kissing in "Smashed." SPIKE VOICEOVER: Last night changed things. BUFFY: The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. Dawn and Willow walking down the street. DAWN: Is this the way to the movies? Dawn and Willow coming through the walls into Rack's place. DAWN: What is this place? WILLOW: I'll just be a minute. Willow suspended inside a ball of magic. BUFFY: Willow's into something. Her and Dawn have been missing for hours. DAWN: Do you know how long I've been out here? WILLOW: (with black eyes) Let's get outta here. Dawn in the car. The car crashing. Spike and Buffy leading an injured Dawn. WILLOW: Dawnie, I'm sorry! Dawn slapping Willow. Willow crying. BUFFY: You could have killed her! WILLOW: I need help! Willow and Buffy in Willow's bedroom. WILLOW: No more spells. I'm finished. Warren stealing the diamond from the museum. WARREN: Got it. JONATHAN: It's beautiful. WARREN: Congratulations, Phase One of the plan is now complete. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser [SCENE_BREAK] Open on a table covered with magical stuff: tarot cards, candles, little bowls and boxes of herbs, etc. A pair of hands comes into the shot and sweeps everything into a cardboard box. Pull back to reveal Buffy. She begins removing pillar candles from the table and putting them in the box too. Reveal Dawn standing by the bookshelf looking at books. Her left arm is in a sling. She puts a book in a box, looks over at Buffy. DAWN: Candles?! We can't have candles? BUFFY: Dawn, it's magic clearance. Everything must go. Buffy looks over at Willow, who is sitting cross-legged on the bed. Willow nods. DAWN: B-but they're just candles! BUFFY: (sighs, stands up) Well, yeah, you know, to you and me they're just candles, but to ... witches they're ... like bongs. Willow nods sadly. Dawn sighs. BUFFY: So, no candles, no charms ... (walking toward the door to the bathroom) no- WILLOW: Bird. BUFFY: (stops walking) No bird? WILLOW: That peacock on the table. (looks at the side table near Buffy) It has two crystals in it. Buffy picks up the small statue of a bird. She opens it and finds two crystals inside. WILLOW: Tara, she... (Buffy looking at her) she left them. (Dawn looking at them) BUFFY: I'll make sure she gets them. Willow nods. Cut to downstairs. Buffy walks into the living room carrying a cardboard box. She begins walking around, picking up things and putting them in the box. Dawn follows. BUFFY: (over her shoulder) Dawn, do me a favor, can you grab the fertility god statue on the desk over there? DAWN: Kokopelli?! No! I love him! And he was Mom's. Buffy puts hands on hips and just looks at Dawn. DAWN: (upset) Why do we have to get rid of so many things I like? BUFFY: Dawn, I explained this to you. Willow has a problem. The next few weeks are gonna be ... crazy hard on her as it is. Buffy turns away as she continues talking. Dawn rolls her eyes and turns to pick up the statue. BUFFY: (on the sofa, moving cushions around) Any reminder of, of what it is that she's trying to stay away from, you know, could cause her to ... give in to temptation. Buffy digs among the sofa cushions and finds something. It's a cigarette lighter. She flips it open and stares at it. Flash to Buffy and Spike in the abandoned building, kissing and slamming each other up against the walls. Flash back to the present. Buffy still stares at the lighter. BUFFY: And that would be bad. She turns and tosses the lighter into the cardboard box. Cut to a closeup of the stolen diamond seen through a magnifying glass. A hand takes it out of its black-velvet-lined case and holds it up. Cut out to reveal Warren, wearing safety goggles and sitting at a workbench. A device of some sort, vaguely machine-gun-shaped, is on the bench in front of him. He puts the diamond into a space on top of the device, in the middle of a star shape formed by six metal spikes. He places a glass cover over the diamond. WARREN: (triumphant) Okay, that's it. It's finally done. Jonathan and Andrew come up behind him to look. WARREN: I mean, it still needs a trial run, but it's- JONATHAN: Kind of clunky-looking. WARREN: What?! ANDREW: I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood. WARREN: (gets up angrily) You wanna see cool? I'll show you cool. Warren picks up the device. Jonathan and Andrew look alarmed, back away. Warren points the device at them for a moment, then turns away, fiddling with the controls. The device makes a whirring noise as the star-shaped bit on top spins around. A bolt of reddish light shoots out and hits one of the leather chairs on the platform. The chair disappears. The Geeks stare in awe. Andrew pushes past the others and goes over to where the chair was. Jonathan follows slowly. JONATHAN: Mama! Warren watches with a smirk. Andrew and Jonathan stand on either side of where the chair was. Andrew makes gestures like he's feeling around in the air. JONATHAN: Did it ... is it... ANDREW: Yeah. Jonathan grins excitedly, turns and very carefully sits down on the invisible chair. He spins around a few times, giggles crazily. Andrew stares in awe. JONATHAN: (laughing, to Warren) I'd call that a successful test. WARREN: Well, that's just half the test. Warren begins flipping switches again. The diamond begins to whirl. JONATHAN: Hey! Hey! Andrew leaps for cover and Jonathan pulls his arms and legs up to shield himself as Warren zaps him again. The chair reappears. Jonathan looks nervously at his arms, making sure he's still visible, then gets up angrily. JONATHAN: You pen1s! WARREN: Oh, cheer up, Frodo. Because thanks to my brains, and our mystical gem, we got ourselves an invisibility ray. (shoulders the weapon) And I'd say that makes us pretty much unstoppable. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Daniel Hagen, and Susan Ruttan. Written and directed by David Fury. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on Buffy in the kitchen, yelling toward upstairs. BUFFY: Dawn, come on, you gotta eat breakfast! Xander's gonna be here any second. No response. Buffy sighs, turns back into the kitchen. BUFFY: She's gonna be late for school again. Willow is at the stove cooking, wearing pajamas. Buffy looks over at her. Close shot of Willow's hands putting bits of ham into a cooking omelet. BUFFY: How are you doing? WILLOW: I'm okay. Not 'ready to head back to classes, face the world' okay, but ... the shakiness is only semi now. I thought I'd spend the day fishing the net, for more poop on the, uh, stolen diamond. Dawn enters, her arm still in a sling. BUFFY: I called you before. DAWN: (sullen) Didn't hear you. Dawn pours herself a glass of orange juice. WILLOW: Hey Dawnie, uh, I'm making you a nice omelet. DAWN: Not hungry. (drinks juice) BUFFY: Dawn, you need to eat something. DAWN: Thanks for your concern. Dawn slams her glass down and leaves. WILLOW: Okay, I deserve the wrath of Dawn, but ... why is she taking it out on you? BUFFY: Because I let it happen. WILLOW: Buffy, I was the one who- BUFFY: Who was drowning. My best friend. And I was too wrapped up in my own dumb life to even notice. Suddenly the door from the back porch bursts open. Willow and Buffy look over in surprise as a blanket-covered shape enters, slams the door shut and throws off the blanket, revealing Spike. He straightens up, smoothes down his hair, looks at them. SPIKE: Morning. BUFFY: What are you doing? And, here? (Willow returns to cooking) SPIKE: Just, uh, took a stroll. Found myself in your neck of the woods. BUFFY: Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll? SPIKE: Yeah, well, the fact is my lighter's gone missing. Thought it might have, uh, dropped outta my pocket the last time I was here. BUFFY: Haven't seen it. Buffy turns to the sink. Willow takes the omelet pan and puts it on the counter next to the sink. WILLOW: I'm, uh, gonna head back to my room, get dressed. BUFFY: Oh, I... Buffy starts to follow Willow out, but stops. She leans one hand against the island, watches Willow go. Then she turns to Spike with a resigned expression. BUFFY: Lame. SPIKE: What? BUFFY: You. Making up excuses. (goes back to the sink) SPIKE: Oh, don't flatter yourself, luv. (walking toward her) Bloody fond of that lighter. Buffy turns away from the sink, glares at him. BUFFY: Stop trying to see me. And stop calling me that. SPIKE: (walks over to her) So, um ... what should I call you then? Pet? Buffy just looks at him as he leans right up in her face. SPIKE: (grinning) Sweetheart? My, uh ... (fondling a piece of her hair) little goldilocks? He toys with her hair for a moment with one hand, then the other. SPIKE: You know I love this hair. The way it bounces around when you- Buffy suddenly lifts her hand out of the sink, holding a spatula on trajectory toward Spike's face, but he grabs her wrist and stops it. SPIKE: Ah-ah-ah! This flapjack's not ready to be flipped. His other hand is on her shoulder and now drops down out of shot. BUFFY: What the hell is that supposed to- Buffy breaks off with a small sigh of pleasure, closing her eyes. BUFFY: (whispers) Stop that. Spike looks downward, but we still can't see what his hand is doing. XANDER: Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike! Spike and Buffy look over to see Xander standing in the doorway. Buffy quickly shoves Spike's hands off her, drops the spatula into the sink. XANDER: Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen! (Spike and Buffy glaring at him) Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. (Buffy looking insulted) Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a, or a nut sack like Drusilla- BUFFY: Hey! You really need to get Dawn off to school. Let's go, go fetch her, okay? Buffy walks over to Xander, takes his arm and guides him toward the hallway. BUFFY: (not turning back) You can let yourself out, right Spike? Spike watches them go with a smirk. Cut to Buffy and Xander emerging into the foyer. BUFFY: (calling) Dawn! You better get going, Xander's here! DAWN: Here. Dawn appears from upstairs. BUFFY: Okay, you have everything you need? DAWN: (interrupting) Yep. BUFFY: And after school, you- DAWN: Yeah yeah. Let's go, Xander. (walking toward the door) BUFFY: (intercepting her) You will come straight home. DAWN: (sarcastic) Sure. Maybe we can find some time for you to (Buffy opens door) get me into another car accident. As the door opens we find a middle-aged woman standing on the front step holding some papers. Buffy gives Dawn a sour look, then notices the woman. MS. KROGER: (removing her glasses, smiling at Dawn) Oh, good morning. You must be Dawn. (Dawn nods) BUFFY: Can I help you? MS. KROGER: I'm Doris Kroger, from Social Services. (displaying her ID badge) We had an appointment? BUFFY: Oh, for Wednesday. MS. KROGER: This is Wednesday. Buffy looks at Xander, who nods. BUFFY: Right! Well ... Dawn, you better... Dawn rolls her eyes in utter adolescent disdain and leaves, pushing past Ms. Kroger. BUFFY: (sighs) And, and Xander, you'll drive safely? XANDER: Yes ma'am. Xander follows Dawn out. Ms. Kroger enters the foyer. MS. KROGER: (smiles at Buffy) Little bit on the tardy side, isn't she? BUFFY: (closing door) Yeah, well, uh, it's been one of those mornings, you know. (notices that Ms. Kroger has already gone into the living room) Hey, come on in. Ms. Kroger stands in the doorway to the living room, looking around. Buffy walks up beside her. BUFFY: Sorry about the mess, you know, doing a little house-cleaning. In foreground we see Spike sitting slouched in an armchair. SPIKE: So, we gonna chat this out, or what? BUFFY: (nervous) Uh ... now's really not a-a good time. Um, I have company. (indicates Ms. Kroger) SPIKE: (making himself comfortable) No worries. I'll wait. MS. KROGER: Um, Miss Summers, if you and your boyfriend would like to- BUFFY: He is NOT- Spike looks over with a scowl. BUFFY: (clears throat) Not my, my boyfriend, he's, um, just ... a... Spike looks over at her, waiting to hear what she'll say. BUFFY: Spike ... this nice woman is, uh, (meaningfully) from Social Services? SPIKE: Oh, right! (gets up) Uh ... hey! Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. (Both Buffy and Ms. Kroger smiling) Like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it. MS. KROGER: (frowning) I'm sorry, did you say- BUFFY: Crib! (fake laugh) He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang. Ms. Kroger isn't convinced. Buffy walks over to Spike, takes his arm and turns him around. BUFFY: Uh, Spike, didn't you have to go now, you know, because of that thing? SPIKE: Uh, thing, yeah. Uh, my blanket. Buffy scowls, picks up the blanket and throws it at him. He catches it, scowls back at her. Faceoff. Shot of Ms. Kroger observing all this with raised eyebrows. Spike turns, still scowling, and exits into the kitchen. Buffy watches him go, looking conflicted. Then puts on a bright smile and turns back to the social worker. MS. KROGER: He sleeps here? BUFFY: What? No! No. Oh, uh, the, the, the blanket. That's, um, uh, it's a security thing, you know. He ... has issues. Nope, just me and Dawn living here. WILLOW: (OS, calling from upstairs) Buffy, I'm not feeling hot, so uh, I'm gonna take a quick nap, okay? BUFFY: (calling) Okay, Will! Buffy looks nervously at Ms. Kroger, who gives her a questioning look. BUFFY: That's Willow. She, uh, she kind of lives here too, actually. MS. KROGER: Oh, so you live with another woman. BUFFY: Oh! Oh, it's not a, a gay thing, you know, I mean, well... Ms Kroger has noticed the box full of magical stuff to be thrown out. She picks up a plastic baggie containing some herbs. BUFFY: ...she's gay, but, but we don't ... gay. Not that there's anything - (notices Ms. Kroger looking at the herb) Oh! Wrong with... (rushes over) You know, I know what that looks like, but I, I swear, it's not ... what it looks like. (Ms. Kroger looking shocked) It's *magic* weed. Buffy realizes that came out wrong, grabs the plastic bag from Ms. Kroger and tosses it back in the box. BUFFY: It's not mine. MS. KROGER: I think I've seen enough. She turns to leave. Buffy hurries after her. BUFFY: No, a-actually, I really don't think that you have. It's just ... i-it's been kind of, kind of a, a bad time. MS. KROGER: It's been a bad time now for a while, hasn't it, Ms. Summers? Your sister's grades have fallen sharply in the last year, due in large part to her frequent absences and lateness. BUFFY: But there-there are good reasons. MS. KROGER: Oh, I'm sure there are. But my interest is in Dawn's welfare. And the stability of her home life, something I'm just not convinced that an unemployed young woman like yourself can provide. BUFFY: I can. I, I do! MS. KROGER: Well, we'll just have to see about that then, won't we? She goes to the door, stops and turns back. MS. KROGER: Oh, and I'm, uh, going to recommend immediate probation in my report. BUFFY: What does that mean? MS. KROGER: It means that I'll be monitoring you very closely, Ms. Summers. And if I don't see that things are improving, well, I'll be forced to recommend that you be stripped of your sister's guardianship. BUFFY: You can't do that. MS. KROGER: (opens the door) I do what is in Dawn's best interest ... as should you. Have a nice day. She goes out the door. Buffy stares after her for a moment, then sighs and closes the door, stands leaning with one hand on the door frame. SPIKE: Didn't go well, huh? We see Spike standing in the foyer. Buffy turns to face him, leans against the door jamb, sighs. BUFFY: (quietly) Why won't you go? SPIKE: (surprised) I just thought you'd want- BUFFY: (harshly) Get out of here! Spike looks surprised, then angry. He lunges forward and pins Buffy against the wall, one hand on the wall beside her head. Their faces are inches apart. Spike does something with his other hand out of shot and Buffy closes her eyes, breathes heavily. Close shot of Spike's hand inside Buffy's front jeans pocket, moving around. Then he pulls out his lighter and holds it up in front of her face. SPIKE: Just getting what I came for, luv. He moves in closer as if to kiss her, but then turns away and strides off down the hall toward the kitchen. SPIKE: (not looking back) So long, goldilocks. Buffy sighs, stands there breathing a little heavily and looking upset. After a moment she moves away from the wall. Cut to Buffy's room. She walks in, slams the door and leans against it, looking upset, whimpering a little. She puts her face in her hands, then walks forward, shaking her arms and moving her shoulders around. She paces a bit, sits down in front of her vanity table, puts her head in her hands again. Then she lifts her head, looks at herself in the mirror. She turns to open a drawer, searches through it, closes it, opens another drawer, takes out a pair of scissors. She grabs a fistful of her hair and chops it off with the scissors. She drops the hair on the floor and starts cutting off another piece, looking angrily at her reflection. Shot of the locks of hair lying on the carpeted floor. Cut to close shot of a woman with a wild "tousled" hairdo. CLEO: Well, I-I think I can work with this. We see that she's standing behind Buffy who sits in a barber's chair, both looking at Buffy in the mirror. Buffy's shorn hair is about shoulder-length and all uneven. CLEO: What exactly would you like me to do? BUFFY: Just make me ... different. Cut to the street, day. Warren emerges from the rear of the Geeks' black van, closes the door and walks around the side of the van, carrying something covered by a cloth. Andrew and Jonathan appear on either side of him, walking. We see that they're in an alley. ANDREW: I'm scared, what if we get caught? JONATHAN: No way, we'll be invisible. Plus their security's gotten lax. WARREN: (chuckles) You should know. You've cased this joint enough. They emerge from the alley onto a main street, turn the corner and approach a large storefront. The sign in the window reads: "Spa, Women Only. Bikini Wax Wednesdays" and a cartoon picture of a woman. WARREN: Okay, this is it. The Geeks stop walking. Warren faces the others. WARREN: Remember... Warren removes the black cloth, revealing the invisibility ray gun. WARREN: ...we're professionals. The others nod uncertainly. Andrew looks away. Long shot of Buffy emerging from the hairdresser's across the street. Her hair is now neatly styled at shoulder-length. She begins to walk across the sidewalk. ANDREW: (nudging Jonathan nervously) Uh, Slayer! WARREN: What? Wh-where? ANDREW: There. Headed this way. Warren turns to look, fearfully. Buffy walks between some parked cars (one minivan with bumper stickers reading "God Bless America" and "United We Stand") and begins to cross the street. Cut back to Warren staring at her. He lifts his hand and suddenly realizes the invisibility ray isn't in it. He turns and realizes that the other two geeks aren't standing behind him any more. JONATHAN: (OS) Give it! Cut to the alley just around the corner. Andrew and Jonathan are fighting over the ray gun. Warren runs around the corner and finds them. ANDREW: No, I need to be invisible! JONATHAN: I need it more, Buffy can't see me! WARREN: Hey, watch it, don't you- Warren runs over and tries to get the ray away from them. The bit on top is spinning and the whirring noise intensifies. Suddenly the red light bursts out of the invisibility ray. It hits Buffy as she walks past the mouth of the alley. It also hits a tree, a fire hydrant, some traffic cones, and a Dumpster, all of which immediately disappear. The Geeks stare in dismay. Zoom in on Andrew. ANDREW: Oopsie. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on a close shot of Xander in the magic shop, staring at something. XANDER: What happened to Buffy? She's gone. ANYA: She's right here. We see that Xander and Anya are studying a diagram of seating arrangements. ANYA: (points) Table four. I put her with your family. XANDER: Great. Except, we don't hate Buffy. Shot of the magic shop door opening but there's no one there. XANDER: (OS) Let's put her back at table one. (The door closes again and the camera pulls back into the shop) ANYA: (OS) Well, where do I put D'Hoffryn? XANDER: (OS) We're not inviting D'Hoffryn. ANYA: We have to, he's my ex-boss! You're inviting your work buddies. The camera continues pulling back and then swings around to face Anya and Xander again. We hear Buffy's voice but we don't see her. INVISIBLE BUFFY: She's got a point. XANDER: Hey, Buffy... Xander turns around to look at Buffy, but doesn't see her. Confused, he stands up and looks around. XANDER: Where ... where are you? INVISIBLE BUFFY: At table four, apparently. ANYA: (frowning, looking around) Well, that remains to be seen. Like you. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm invisible girl. Anya comes out from behind the counter as Xander continues looking around, holding his hands up at breast height. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Uh, Xander? Xander jumps and pulls his hands back quickly. XANDER: (nervous laugh) Sorry! (to Anya) Her clothes are ... invisible ... too. (to the empty air where he thinks Buffy is) Buffy, how did this hap ... wait a sec, have you been feeling ... ignored lately? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut, and- ANYA: You cut your hair? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Oh, yeah! ANYA: Really? How short? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Um, about up to here ... well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders. ANYA: Ahh, that sounds so adorable! I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wed- XANDER: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? (Anya looks chastised) This is serious. INVISIBLE BUFFY: I know. It kind of fits the day I've had. The camera moves over to a table where there's a basket full of baseball-sized balls. One of them lifts into the air and begins moving around as if Buffy is tossing it from hand to hand. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Willow's still a wreck, Dawn's mad at both of us, and the social services lady put me through a wringer. Says she's gonna watch me. I'd like to see her try now. Invisible Buffy holds up a second ball. The balls have symbols painted on them that make them look a little like eyes. She holds them next to each other, moves them as if the eyes are looking side to side. INVISIBLE BUFFY: You know, there may be an upside to no-see-me. (the balls float over toward Anya) XANDER: Buff, did you say anyone, or ... anything suspicious before you ... cleared out? Buffy continues playing with the 'eyes' next to Anya's head, making Anya nervous. She turns them so they look cross-eyed. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Nope, didn't see nothin'. (laughs) See what I did there, with the eyeballs? ANYA: (nervously, to Xander) Why would anyone make her invisible anyway? I mean, invisible Slayer's gotta be way more effective than the standard variety. Through this the 'eyeballs' turn to 'look' at Anya and then at Xander. Now they move away. We hear Buffy's footsteps. XANDER: Yeah, I'm less with the why and more with the how. We get the how, then we got how to make her unseen sight seen again, right? A human skull floats up beside Xander's shoulder. Its mouth moves up and down. INVISIBLE BUFFY: 'Saright! XANDER: (annoyed) Buffy, could you focus please? INVISIBLE BUFFY: (making the skull 'look around') I am! Just ... this is kind of fun. ANYA: Well, it would help if we had a little bit more to go on. Or ... anything to go on. XANDER: Well, I could go check the spot where Buffy disappeared. Snoop for clues. INVISIBLE BUFFY: (putting skull back on a shelf) Yeah, right. Uh, hey, you know what? I'm just gonna ... go for a walk. (footsteps heading toward the door) XANDER: A walk? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Yeah. Um, clear my head. (Xander following her toward the door) You guys keep working on those whats and hows. (laughs) Clear my head. The door opens. XANDER: Buffy! The door closes. Anya grimaces and shrugs, sits down in front of the seating plan again. ANYA: Well, seems pretty obvious it's some kind of spell that's done this to her. XANDER: Spell from who? You said it yourself, it makes no sense for one of her enemies to make her invisible. ANYA: Maybe it's a mistake. XANDER: A magical mistake. (small laugh) Who'd be messing with that kind of pow- Suddenly he stops, looking thoughtful. Anya turns to look at him. Cut to the Summers house, dining room. Pan across the table covered with open books. Willow's computer is set up at the end of the table, and she sits in front of it, drinking from a bottle of water. She puts the water down, picks up a book and looks under it, looks under another pile of books. Looks across and sees the book she wants -- at the other end of the table. Willow holds out her hand. The book moves a little. She stops, pulls her hand back. Sound of the door opening. XANDER: Willow. WILLOW: (OS) Xander! Xander enters from the front door and walks into the dining room. Willow looks guilty. XANDER: How's it going? WILLOW: Um ... good. (Xander sits) I, I, uh, found ... out some stuff about the diamond stolen from the museum. (Xander not really listening) It's called the Illuminata, and there's rumors of it having quasi-mystical quantum properties. XANDER: Willow, we need to talk. WILLOW: (nervous) We ... are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny. XANDER: Is there something you wanna tell me? They look at each other for a moment. Willow looks upset. WILLOW: It was nothing, I ... I-I didn't slip. XANDER: Will, nobody's mad. Relapse is a part of recovery, we understand that. We just have to figure a way to fix it. WILLOW: (confused) Fix what? XANDER: Fix Buffy. WILLOW: Buffy's broken? XANDER: Will, you know what I'm talki - (sees her expression) You don't know. Willow shakes her head, still confused. XANDER: Rhymes with ... 'blinvisible'? WILLOW: What? XANDER: Buffy was in town, leaving the haircutting place, when she suddenly just- WILLOW: Buffy got her hair cut? XANDER: (sarcastic) Yeah! Adorable, apparently. I personally couldn't tell, since she's all 'blinvisible.' WILLOW: (upset) And you think I had something to do with this? XANDER: Uh, no ... not ... (sighs) Well, come on, Will. Some of the spells you've done have caused some weird stuff to happen to each of us at one time or another. And let's not forget the recent forgetting. WILLOW: Oh. I see, so now when anything nasty happens, I get conveniently blamed for it? XANDER: No one's blaming! WILLOW: (stands up) So ... I guess it wouldn't matter if I just jump off the wagon completely ... since you already think I'm making pit stops. XANDER: Well, look, if you said you didn't do it - (Willow grabs her coat and goes past him) Willow, where you going? WILLOW: For a walk. She opens the front door and exits. Xander watches her go in dismay. Cut to the Geek Trio's underground lair. Warren is working on the invisibility ray, using a small blow-torch. Jonathan and Andrew watch. WARREN: Couple of circuits are burned out, and the wiring's all fried. ANDREW: But we had so many plans. Naked women, and all ... well, all-all the naked women. (to Jonathan) This is all your fault, if you hadn't grabbed it from me- JONATHAN: Hey, we got a lot bigger problems here, bonehead. The Slayer's invisible now? ANDREW: He's right. (to Warren) She could be anywhere. (Warren stops working, looks at him) Even here, right now. All three look around very nervously. ANDREW: (quietly) Watching. Listening to every word we say. (very dramatically) For all we know, she could be one of us! Warren and Jonathan look each other up and down for a long moment, anxiously. Suddenly they all burst into relieved laughter. ANDREW: Oh, wait, no, guys, that isn't true. WARREN: (returning to his work) I wouldn't sweat the Slayer too much. JONATHAN: Says you. In my book an invisible slayer means a whole world of trouble. Cut to a park, day. A young woman sits on a bench reading a book. She wears a purple baseball cap. The camera moves toward her. We can see that the edges of the cap are decorated with metal studs. Suddenly the cap lifts off the woman's head and floats around in front of her face. She looks very surprised. INVISIBLE BUFFY: (spooky voice) I am the ghost of fashion victims past. (normal voice) Studded caps? Not a good idea. The woman looks scared, gets up and runs away. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hey! I'm doing you a favor! The camera (Buffy's POV) swings down to discover a garbage can. The cap drops into it. Then the camera moves around to see two people jogging past. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Naah ... too easy. The camera moves forward toward the street. We see a cop standing next to a parked SUV, writing a ticket. The camera moves closer. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hmm... The camera moves back to find the cop's golf-cart-like vehicle parked behind the SUV. Cut back to the cop. He looks up in surprise at the sound of an engine starting. INVISIBLE BUFFY: So long, copper! The golf cart drives past him and on down the street, apparently empty. The cop runs after it. COP: Hey ... Hey! That's mine! Stop! Cut to the golf cart pulling to a stop beside the curb in another part of town. Pan over to reveal a large building with the words "Department of Social Services" on the side. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hello, Mrs. Kroger. Cut to inside. A typical office setting. Phones ringing, people walking around. Pan down the hall to reveal Ms. Kroger sitting at her desk in a cubicle area. Another woman is working nearby. Ms. Kroger is looking at some paperwork on her desk. She reaches over to pick up a coffee mug, takes a sip, puts the mug down next to her right hand. Takes a pen from a container and makes a note on the papers, reaches for the coffee mug again. But the mug is gone. MS. KROGER: (confused) What - Where's my... She turns to find the mug sitting on the desk by her left hand. She gives a nervous laugh. The coworker turns to look at her. MS. KROGER: (joking) Losing my mind. She picks up the mug, takes a sip, puts it down on her right again. Turns to the left to pick up some more papers. Turns back and the mug is gone again. She gives a frustrated sigh. MS. KROGER: (annoyed) Okay, who's the- She turns and finds the mug sitting on top of her computer monitor. As she reaches for it, it floats up into the air and dances around a little. INVISIBLE BUFFY: (softly) Kill, kill, kill! MS. KROGER: What? The coworker looks over in confusion. COWORKER: I didn't say anything. MS. KROGER: Not you! The mug, it's- The mug is gone again. She stops, looks around. The mug is back in its original spot on her right. MS. KROGER: But I ... I heard something. She pokes the mug nervously. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Kill, Doris. Kill everybody. Ms. Kroger looks shocked, pushes her chair back and stands up. INVISIBLE BUFFY: You know you want to. MS. KROGER: (yelling at the mug) Shut up, shut up, just shut up! She pauses, realizes she's shouting, looks around. Shots of several coworkers staring at her. Ms. Kroger looks confused, turns and walks away. Close shot on the file folders on her desk. They begin to move. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Okay ... no ... no... Invisible Buffy moves the files aside until she finds the one labeled 'Summers, Dawn.' INVISIBLE BUFFY: Yahtzee! The file opens. The camera moves over to the computer keyboard. The keys begin to move as Invisible Buffy types. Cut to Ms. Kroger coming out of the women's bathroom, holding a paper towel to the back of her neck. She starts to walk back toward her desk. BOSS: Uh, Doris! A man intercepts her. BOSS: I've, uh, got a few, so if you wanna discuss that case file now... MS. KROGER: What? Oh! Oh yes, the, um, Summers file, it's, uh, it's right over here. She goes to her desk, picks up a file and gives it to the boss. He begins looking through it. MS. KROGER: Uh, it's a fifteen-year-old girl, living under her older sister's guardianship. The house is a complete- BOSS: What is this? (reading) 'All work and no play make Doris a dull girl'? MS. KROGER: What? BOSS: 'All work and no play make Doris' - the pages are filled with it. Shot of the case file. All the papers have been replaced with pages filled with the one sentence 'All work and no play make Doris a dull girl" over and over. Ms. Kroger grabs the file back and looks at it in confusion, shaking her head. MS. KROGER: I ... I... She looks over at the printer. Shot of the printer still spitting out more pages of the same thing. MS. KROGER: I, I, I didn't do this, I ... The boss looks dubiously at her. She leans closer to him. MS. KROGER: (softly) It was the voice. BOSS: Excuse me? MS. KROGER: There was a voice, before. It made my coffee dance. It told me to- (breaks off) BOSS: To ... what? MS. KROGER: (nervously) Nothing. BOSS: Doris ... take the rest of the day off. See your doctor. MS. KROGER: But what about my cases? BOSS: We'll, uh ... put someone else on them. And have them redo the Summers interview. Sound of whistling. The camera recedes away from them down the hall. MS. KROGER: I'm not crazy. I am not crazy! BOSS: Well, no one said that you were. The camera continues moving away as the whistling continues -- to the tune of Buffy's song "Alive" from episode "Once More With Feeling." The door at the end of the hall opens, then closes. Cut to Xander walking down the street. He passes the spa, enters the mouth of the alley, and finds Willow. She has a can of red spray paint and is spraying the Dumpster, making it visible again. XANDER: Hey Will. (she turns) Whatcha doin'? WILLOW: (defensive) Look, Xander, I - I figured out this was where Buffy disappeared from what you told me, so don't start jumping to any conclusions. XANDER: (holds up his hands) No jumping, look, feet firmly planted. (smiles) WILLOW: (embarrassed) I'm not feeling like myself right now, sorry. XANDER: Me too. Sorry. (she nods) So! What have we found out so far? WILLOW: Well, take a look at that! (points) We see a tire-mark on the ground. WILLOW: Something sped outta here pretty dann quick to, to make that kind of tread mark. XANDER: Well, this could have been made any time. WILLOW: Yeah, but this ... wasn't. Willow takes out a small vial from her pocket and holds it up. Xander takes it. XANDER: What is it? WILLOW: (walking away) Paint that I scraped off the fire hydrant. She stops at a different part of sidewalk. Xander follows her, studying the vial. XANDER: What fire hydrant? (clanking noise) Ow! Xander hops around on one foot, his other leg having been injured by walking into the invisible fire hydrant. WILLOW: That one. Willow lowers her voice and makes gestures from the alleyway to where they are now. WILLOW: Whatever hit this fire hydrant hit it after it was made invisible. And betcha by golly wow, that something was the same something that shot out of that alley. XANDER: (pondering) Black paint? Buffy's phantom van. (Willow nods) We gotta let Buffy - whoa! Xander takes a step backward and bumps into something. XANDER: There's something there. (pointing) Willow sprays her can of spray paint where he's pointing. A traffic cone slowly takes shape. WILLOW: I-it's a pylon, one of those orange traffic cones. (continues spraying) You should take it to the Magic Box. It might help you and Anya figure out what kind of spell was used. XANDER: What about you? WILLOW: (stands up) Well, I got paint scrapings... (gives Xander the paint can and takes the vial from him) ...and a tire mark. I'm gonna find this van that's been stalking Buffy. (Xander nods) By the way, where *is* Buffy? Xander shrugs in confusion. Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike sits slouched in his chair, watching TV. WOMAN ON TV: (screaming) Oh my god, the blood! Look at all the blood! Spike looks down at his stomach, puts his hand on it, gets up. He walks over to a small refrigerator, opens it, takes out a jar of blood. Takes off the lid and lifts the jar to his mouth. Noise from the door. Spike pauses, looks over. The door to the crypt is open, swinging on its hinges. No one is visible there. Spike looks at it for a moment, puts his jar down and walks slowly toward the door, looking around. SPIKE: Whatever beastie you are, I know you're here. And I hurt beasties. Invisible Buffy's POV: moving past Spike from behind, looking down toward his butt and then onward. Spike jumps as if something had grabbed his butt. SPIKE: Hey, watch it. The noise of the TV suddenly stops as the TV switches off. Spike sighs in irritation. SPIKE: A ghost, is it? (looking around) Go and haunt the living, like a good spook. The camera moves slowly around him as he looks around, confused. Suddenly something grabs his shoulder. He tries to grab it and is spun around by his arm, slammed up against a wall. He gasps, tries to move forward but is shoved against the wall again. His shirt rips open. He looks down at his bare chest. Close on Spike's face as he frowns in confusion, then gives a little gasp of pleasure, continues frowning. SPIKE: (tentatively) Buffy? INVISIBLE BUFFY: I told you ... stop trying to see me. She pulls Spike away from the wall suddenly. Cut to the magic shop. Anya and Xander sit looking at books. The no-longer-invisible traffic cone sits on the table in front of them. ANYA: Oh, I got it! XANDER: Really? ANYA: Yeah, we'll put D'Hoffryn at your parents' table, and move your Uncle Rory to table five near the bar. XANDER: Ahn honey, we're looking for invisibility spells here. ANYA: Well, obviously I haven't found anything yet. At least nothing that would explain why things near Buffy become invisible. She reaches out to grab the traffic cone. It crumbles partly under her fingers. Anya makes a disgusted face. ANYA: Ew! Xander! She holds up her hand with traffic-cone residue on it. XANDER: What happened? ANYA: An unpleasant tactile experience, like putting my hand in pudding. Xander puts out his hand and crumbles another part of the cone. XANDER: Ew! ANYA: Like pudding, am I right? Rice, or tapioca, lumpy like that. XANDER: We have to find Buffy, she's gotta know. ANYA: (brushing off her hand) I don't think Buffy's gonna be too broken up over a pylon. XANDER: Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy, I-I mean ... if we don't figure out how this was done... ANYA: She's pudding? They stare at each other. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the Geeks' lair. Warren is still working on the invisibility ray. JONATHAN: What do you mean she's gonna fade away? WARREN: The Slayer got slammed with a big-ass dose of radiation when the gun overloaded. Her cells are mutating at an accelerated rate. Eventually her molecular makeup will start losing its integrity and then ... pfft. (makes a "pfft" gesture) ANDREW: But, wouldn't that kill her? WARREN: Well, lemme think. (sarcastic) Yeah! JONATHAN: Wait a minute! We're not killing anybody. Especially not Buffy! WARREN: (sighs) You guys are so immature! (angrily) We're villains! When are you gonna get that through your thick skulls? JONATHAN: We're not killers, we're crime lords! ANDREW: Yeah! Like, like Lex Luthor. (gesturing with a comic book) He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman! WARREN: Because it's Superman's book, you moron! ANDREW: But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?! Warren rolls his eyes in exasperation. Jonathan looks determined. JONATHAN: Listen, Warren ... (points forcefully at the gun) you get that ray working and the first thing we're gonna do is find Buffy and re-visible her before it's too late! Warren stands up and towers over Jonathan, both staring each other down. JONATHAN: You got me?! WARREN: Fine. Warren glances at Andrew, sits back down with a small smirk. WARREN: Whatever you guys say. Warren picks up his tools and goes back to work. Andrew and Jonathan nod at each other. Cut to Spike's crypt. It's dark. Xander pushes the door open and enters. XANDER: Spike? Pan around the room. It's in disarray, various pieces of furniture lying overturned on the floor, etc. Xander looks around. Cut to the underground room. It's better lit with candles and a lamp. Xander enters. Sounds of heavy breathing, moaning. Pan across to the bed (Xander's POV). We see Spike on the bed half-covered with a sheet, moving around on top of what looks like empty air. XANDER: Spike? Spike turns his head in alarm to look at Xander. XANDER: What are you doing? SPIKE: What am I ... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I? Spike turns back to the bed and does a couple of what might look like push-ups if you didn't know better. We hear a small yelp from Invisible Buffy. XANDER: Exercising. (comes closer) Naked. In bed. Spike stops moving, stands up on the bed and wraps the sheet around his waist. SPIKE: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing. (sits on the edge of the bed) XANDER: (skeptical) Yuh-huh. Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. (gestures with his head) Mini-disaster area. SPIKE: So what, you just come here to criticize my housekeeping? XANDER: No, uh, no. I'm looking for Buf- SPIKE: (quickly) Haven't seen her. XANDER: Well, uh, you wouldn't. The fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility. SPIKE: (fake surprise) Yeah? How did, uh... Soft murmuring and kissing noises. XANDER: We don't know yet. Noises continue. Spike's ear wiggles. He jumps. XANDER: Anyway, she's not at the house, and I really, really need to find her. SPIKE: (fidgeting) Uh, tell you what, I'll ... take a peek around first chance I get... (makes swatting noises next to his head) and if we bump into each other, I'll clue her that you're on the lookout. (trying not to laugh) XANDER: (uncertain) After your ... (gestures) exercises. SPIKE: (more swatting) Yeah, right. Xander looks confused, but he turns to go. Then turns back. XANDER: You know, kidding aside, Spike ... you really should get a girlfriend. He leaves. Spike sighs, looks over his shoulder. SPIKE: That was bloody stupid. INVISIBLE BUFFY: What's the matter? Ashamed to be seen with me? Spike gets up, tossing the sheet aside. It falls on top of Buffy, showing us the outline of her legs and hips. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Come on. He had no idea I was here. This is perfect. Spike goes to a side table, takes out a glass, bangs it down on the table. SPIKE: Perfect for you. (begins filling the glass from a bottle) INVISIBLE BUFFY: Well, picture me confused. (Spike shaking his head) I thought this was what you wanted. SPIKE: (annoyed sigh) What I want... He stares to the side for a moment, then looks over at the bed again. SPIKE: This vanishing act's right liberating for you, innit? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. (walks along the bed, holding the glass) Or anyone. INVISIBLE BUFFY: What are you talking ab- SPIKE: The only reason you're here, is that you're not here. (drinking) INVISIBLE BUFFY: Right. Of course, as usual there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong. (moving around on the bed) You know, I didn't ask for this to happen to me. SPIKE: Not too put off by it though, are you? (drinking) INVISIBLE BUFFY: No! Maybe because for the first time since ... I'm free. She tosses the sheet aside. Spike looks around, trying to figure out where she's going. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Free of rules and reports ... free of this life. SPIKE: Free of life? Got another name for that. Dead. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Why do you always have to ... (pouty) I thought we were having fun. Invisible Buffy comes up to Spike and he grabs her by the shoulders, holds her away from him. SPIKE: Yeah, now! But sooner or later your chums are gonna work out a way to bring you back to living color. (lets her go) You need to go. Get dressed if you can find your clothes, and push off. 'Cause if I can't have all of you, I'd rather- Spike breaks off, looks down toward his waist. SPIKE: Okay, that's cheating. Cut to the coffee shop. Willow sits at a computer terminal drinking from a water bottle. She puts the bottle down and begins typing. Shot of the computer screen, showing a web site labeled "Department of Motor Vehicles." A dialog box pops up saying "Warning, encrypted information!" with a status bar and a blinking "Searching." It fills up slowly. Willow fidgets, waiting. Shot of the status bar moving along. Shot of Willow tapping her fingers on the desk. She looks around, lifts one hand to touch the screen. Close shot of her eyes. Close shot of the screen. The search is almost finished. Willow pulls her hand back. The dialog box goes away, replaced with a screen labeled "Database, for Departmental Use Only." A list of names and addresses fills the screen. Willow looks relieved, picks up a notebook and pen, begins to copy information from the screen. Cut to close shot of an empty soda can lying on the street. It suddenly goes skittering down the street as if kicked. INVISIBLE BUFFY: I don't believe this. Wider shot of the street (residential area) with the can moving down it. Sound of Buffy's footsteps. The camera follows her (and the can) along the street. INVISIBLE BUFFY: He threw *me* out? He threw *me*. Did I, like, fall into some ... backward dimension here? Is this Bizarro World? (kicks the can again) And after he's always going on and on about being the only one that understands me. 'We're alike, you and me. Birds of a bloody feather.' Uh! He's so ... (annoyed sigh) Three people go by, talking. They pass the soda can. Suddenly two of them jerk apart as if something had shoved them. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Hey, I'm walking here! The people stare in confusion, then continue walking. Close shot of the soda can. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Insensitive! (kicks the can) That's what he is. Cut to exterior shot of the Summers house. Sound of Buffy's footsteps continues. It's dark (nighttime) and the house is lit up. Cut to the kitchen. The back door opens, closes. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Willow? Willow! (walks further into the kitchen) Dawn? Hey, Dawn, come here. You wanna see something neat? No reply. Invisible Buffy sighs. The camera pans over to the refrigerator. It opens, revealing various food items including a pizza box. The back door opens again and Dawn comes in, moving slowly and quietly. She looks around, sees that the kitchen appears empty. She closes the door very carefully, begins tiptoeing toward the hall. INVISIBLE BUFFY: There you are! Dawn jumps, looks over at the open fridge, looks all around. DAWN: Buffy? W-where are you? INVISIBLE BUFFY: I'm invisible. Check this out. The pizza box floats out of the fridge and swoops around in the air. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Wooo, wooo! Unidentified flying pizza, comin' in for a landing. Dawn stares in shock as the pizza comes to sit on the island and the box opens. DAWN: W-what are you talking- INVISIBLE BUFFY: Okay, not the most clever ad lib, but come on! Points for spontaneity. DAWN: (upset) Stop it! Just ... stop. (moving closer to the island) INVISIBLE BUFFY: Sorry Dawn. I'm, I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to freak you out. DAWN: Well, what did you think would happen? You're freaking invisible, Buffy. INVISIBLE BUFFY: I know. Xander and Anya are working on it. Muldering out what happened. (moving around toward the stove) DAWN: Well, what about you? Shouldn't you be working on it? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Of course I- DAWN: Do you even care about, about who did this to you, or, or if you're gonna be stuck this way? You're making jokes and flying pizzas. INVISIBLE BUFFY: I don't think that's- DAWN: (upset) I can't talk to you like this. I can't see you! How can I talk to you if I can't see you? Dawn brushes past Invisible Buffy and runs down the hall to the stairs. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Dawn! Dawn! Invisible Buffy's POV turns from Dawn to the kitchen counter and notices that the answering machine is blinking. Zoom in on it. It flashes the number 01. Invisible Buffy pushes the button and the machine begins to rewind. XANDER: (on machine) Buffy, it's Xander. Where are you? Listen ... we got a new problem here. ANYA: (on machine) Tell her! XANDER: (on machine) I'm trying to. Anya and I think whatever made you invisible is slowly killing you. ANYA: (on machine) Tell her about the pudding! XANDER: (on machine) Anya! Buff, if we don't ... if this isn't reversed, you're gonna ... well, dissolve, or ... fade ... into nothing. The machine beeps and turns off. Pan over to the empty air where Invisible Buffy is standing. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Wow. Cut to a dark residential street. Willow walks along, pauses, looks at a house and then at a piece of paper in her hand. We see the Geek Trio's van in a driveway, partially covered by a tarp. Willow looks around, walks toward the van. She goes up to it, looks around again, walks between the van and the house. Cut to the Geeks' lair. Willow opens the bulkhead door and peeks down the stairs. She goes slowly down the stairs and into the basement lair. She walks around, looking around. She spots a bulletin board with a large piece of paper tacked up. It's a blueprint or schematic of the invisibility ray, conveniently labeled with the words "Invisibility Ray!" at the top. Willow walks over to it, studies the diagram. She smiles, looks at the table next to her, which has more blueprints on it. Turns and walks across to the workbench, where the invisibility ray is still sitting. Willow takes a swivel-lamp and moves it over to shed more light on the invisibility ray. She lifts her hand as if to touch it. WARREN: (OS) Now! Willow turns in surprise. Reveal a roll of silver duct-tape floating in the air a few feet away. Suddenly Willow's arms rise up as if they had been grabbed by invisible hands. She struggles. WILLOW: Hey! Let go of me! A piece of duct tape unrolls itself from the roll and rips free. It floats toward Willow. INVISIBLE WARREN: Congratulations. You're our first hostage. The duct tape moves toward Willow's mouth as she continues struggling. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the Summers house, foyer. The front door opens itself. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Dawn, I'm going out to find Xander. If he calls me- The phone begins to ring. The door closes. Invisible Buffy moves into the living room, picks up the phone. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Xander? JONATHAN: (on phone) Don't talk. Just listen, Slayer. You don't have a lot of time. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Who is this? You sound familiar. JONATHAN: (disguising his voice) I'm ... nobody. No one you know. We've got your friend Willow, and if you don't want anything nasty to happen to her, you better meet us. Alone. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Where? Cut to a video-game arcade. Various kids playing various games, lots of noise. Pan over to reveal a guy taking tickets by a turnstile. The turnstile turns on its own, and he looks confused. The camera follows the invisible person into the arcade. A few kids get shoved aside and go "Hey!" We move further into the arcade and discover Willow standing by a pinball machine, looking nervous. INVISIBLE WARREN: Just stay still, and you won't get hurt. INVISIBLE BUFFY: You okay, Will? WILLOW: Buffy? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Where are the bad guys? INVISIBLE WARREN: All around you, Slayer, so don't try anything. WILLOW: He's bluffing, Buffy, there, there's just three of them, I think. INVISIBLE WARREN: More than enough to cause some serious carnage, right guys? ... Guys? Guys! Shot of a video game with the joysticks moving on their own. INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Kick! Use the kick! INVISIBLE ANDREW: I tried that, he keeps blocking it with his drunken monkey fist! INVISIBLE BUFFY: Ooh, scary video carnage. INVISIBLE WARREN: Hey! Slayer's here. INVISIBLE ANDREW: Sorry, didn't see her. The camera follows Invisible Andrew and Jonathan as they abandon their game to rejoin the group. INVISIBLE WARREN: Why don't we continue this in a less crowded area, like, over there. Willow looks confused. ALL: Where? INVISIBLE WARREN: Over ... follow me. We see the invisibility ray floating in the air where Invisible Warren is. He grabs Willow's arm with his other invisible hand and pulls her away. She grimaces. WILLOW: Ow! They move over to a quieter corner next to an air-hockey game. Willow starts as someone grabs her other arm. INVISIBLE BUFFY: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you guys are the ones who did this to me? INVISIBLE JONATHAN: It was an accident! INVISIBLE BUFFY: Who's that? INVISIBLE JONATHAN: (disguised voice) Nobody you know. WILLOW: They're the ones from your mystery van. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Oh. You. So what annoying thing are you gonna do to me now? INVISIBLE WARREN: Save your life, make you visible. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Right. I'm supposed to believe that? WILLOW: They told me everything, Buffy. Something's happening to you that, you're- INVISIBLE BUFFY: Fading away. I know. INVISIBLE WARREN: I can fix that. The invisibility ray lifts up and begins its preparatory whirring. INVISIBLE WARREN: Pick up that air hockey mallet on the table. INVISIBLE BUFFY: What for? INVISIBLE WARREN: It'll give me a target to aim at. (Willow looking at the invisibility ray) The air-hockey mallet floats up into the air. The whirring continues. INVISIBLE WARREN: Okay, now hold still, and all your troubles will soon be gone. WILLOW: You're on the wrong setting! INVISIBLE WARREN: What? WILLOW: The gun, it's not set for reversing the particle ionization. It'll accelerate her molecular dissolution, I saw the plans! INVISIBLE WARREN: Mind your own business. INVISIBLE JONATHAN: What's she talking about? INVISIBLE BUFFY: That's what I'd like to know. WILLOW: Buffy, he's trying to kill you! The invisibility ray gun hits Willow in the face. She falls down. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Willow! The air-hockey mallet flies through the air and hits Invisible Warren. INVISIBLE WARREN: Ow! The invisibility ray falls to the floor. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Okay, play time's over. INVISIBLE WARREN: You haven't won yet, Slayer. INVISIBLE BUFFY: No, that part comes after I beat the snot out of you. Throughout the whole exchange, the camera moves around as if following the various characters but really all we see is empty air. INVISIBLE WARREN: You'll have to find me first! There's three of us, against just one of you. INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Hey, you lied to us! INVISIBLE ANDREW: Fight her yourself! INVISIBLE WARREN: (angrily) Think she cares about that? I go down, we all go down! INVISIBLE BUFFY: And I promise, you're all going down. INVISIBLE WARREN: We may not have your powers, Slayer, but you'll find that we are not so easy to- (another air-hockey mallet hits him) Ow! Get her! Fighting noises begin -- punches, grunts, etc. The camera swings around crazily as if following the action. Kids in the arcade look over in confusion at the noises. Shot of Willow still lying on the floor, sitting up with a pained expression. INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Who's biting my leg? INVISIBLE ANDREW: Sorry! Where is she? INVISIBLE BUFFY: Here. Fight noises continue. A pinball machine shatters as if an invisible person had been thrown onto it. Kids scream and begin to run for the exit. Willow notices the invisibility ray under another pinball machine. She crawls over to get it. INVISIBLE WARREN: She can't find us if we split up. Willow picks up the ray gun and fiddles with it. INVISIBLE WARREN: You go that way. INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Which way? INVISIBLE WARREN: That way! Over- Punch noise. An invisible person goes flying into a room-sized container of plastic balls. INVISIBLE BUFFY: Just keep talking, boys. Willow gets to her feet, fiddling with the invisibility ray. Punching noises continue. INVISIBLE JONATHAN: Ow! Watch the chest hair! INVISIBLE BUFFY: I know that voice. You-you're- Willow aims the ray at the voices and fires. Buffy and Jonathan become visible. Buffy is holding Jonathan up by the front of his shirt. BUFFY: Jonathan?! She lets him go and he falls to the floor. BUFFY: You have chest hair? Willow fires at the plastic-ball-room. Warren appears. BUFFY: Warren? Warren glares. Willow fires at the smashed pinball machine. Andrew appears. BUFFY: (frowns) Who are you? ANDREW: Andrew. Buffy shrugs and shakes her head to show her lack of recognition. ANDREW: I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school? Willow and Buffy exchange a confused look. Warren climbs out of the plastic balls. Jonathan gets up and helps Andrew down from the pinball machine. ANDREW: During the school play, you know? WARREN: It's Tucker's brother. JONATHAN: Yeah, it's Tucker's brother. BUFFY/WILLOW: Ohh. The Geek Trio stands side-by-side. Willow moves over to stand beside Buffy. BUFFY: So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass? WARREN: (walking sideways with the other two following him) We're your arch-nemesises ... ses. (Buffy and Willow looking confused) You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time ... um ... uh, next time... JONATHAN: Maybe not! Jonathan throws something down in front of the Trio. It bursts into smoke and sparks (see episode "Life Serial"). Behind cover of the smoke we can see (but Buffy and Willow can't) the Trio running off. Buffy and Willow cough, wave the smoke away. WARREN: (OS) What do you mean, it's locked? You were supposed to check it! ANDREW: (OS) I forgot! The smoke clears to reveal the Trio standing by the back door looking sheepish. BUFFY: I give you my arch nemesises...ses. (frowns) A security guard comes up behind Buffy and Willow. GUARD: What's going on in here? (Buffy and Willow turn to look at him) I got a bunch of scared kids saying this place is haunted! Sound of a door opening. Buffy turns back to see the back-door closing behind the escaping Trio. Buffy sighs and looks irritated. WILLOW: (surprised) Oh my god, Buffy! BUFFY: (pouting) I know, they're gone. I guess we should chase them. WILLOW: No, your hair! (smiles) It *is* adorable. Buffy looks surprised, puts up her hand to feel her hair, gives a rueful smile. Cut to Buffy and Willow exiting the arcade. Willow still carries the invisibility ray. BUFFY: Pretty neat, you finding the van. (they begin walking down the street) So ... how did you manage to ... do it exactly? I mean, to locate it? WILLOW: The hard way. The spell-free way. The oh-my-god-my-head's-gonna-fall-off, (grimaces, whines) my-feet-are-killing-me way. Willow sighs, makes a pained face, sits down on the edge of the curb. Buffy sits beside her. WILLOW: I don't know how I got through this day. BUFFY: Well, the important thing is that you did. It's a ... good first step. WILLOW: How are you doing, post-invisibleness? BUFFY: (shrugs) Okay. I still have to do some damage control from my giddy-fest. Dawn was pretty freaked out. (pauses) The whole taking-a-vacation-from-me thing didn't work out so well. WILLOW: (nods) Tell me about it. BUFFY: Except ... when I got Xander's message ... you know, that I was ... fading away ... I actually got scared. WILLOW: Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? BUFFY: Me. I wouldn't. Not too long ago I probably would have welcomed it. But I realized ... I'm not saying that I'm doing back-flips about my life, but... (nods) I didn't ... I don't ... wanna die. (looks hopefully at Willow) That's something, right? WILLOW: It's something. Longer shot of the two of them sitting there side-by-side on the curb, looking morose. WILLOW: So I guess we both made good first steps. BUFFY: I guess. WILLOW: Yay for us. BUFFY: Yay. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.

When Buffy gets a job at the Doublemeat Palace, a local fast-food restaurant, she begins to believe that disappearing co-workers and the secret ingredient to the restaurant's hamburger may be connected.

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ACT ONE Scene One - KACL FADE IN Frasier is listening to a caller. Marie: [v.o.] Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's this man I'd like to go out with, but he's forty years old and he's never been married. Do you think that means something? Frasier: Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or it could mean he's just been lucky! He laughs at his own wit, then realizes no one is laughing with him. Frasier: Marie, that was a joke. Marie: [sighs audibly] Did I mention I'm calling from a pay phone? Frasier: Alright, alright, Marie, um... I would say give him a shot, but uh... I'd keep that caution bulb lit. Thank you for your call, Marie. [punches a button] Who's next, Roz? Instead of handing him over to his next caller, Roz interjects with her own on-air opinion. Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you have to watch out for. Someone's never been married - it might just mean they're a careful shopper. Whereas your divorcé will bite into any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first. Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been- married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana. [irritably] May we take another call, please? Roz: We could, but it's time for a station break. Frasier: [surprised] Oh. Oh well then, we'll be right back after this. He punches a button and removes his headphones, then enters Roz's booth. She is already up and on the way out. Frasier: Roz, didn't we just take a break? Roz: The lot was full this morning - I had to park at a meter. I'll be right back. Frasier: Oh. Fine, just hurry. Roz pauses and turns back to Frasier. Neither of them notice Bulldog come into the hallway, then bend over to tie his shoe. Roz: [pausing] Do I have headphone hair? [off his look] Well, I may have to flirt my way out of a parking ticket! Frasier: Oh, just go! Roz: OK, OK! As Frasier re-enters her booth, Roz turns and runs - and flips, literally head over heels, over Bulldog, and crashes to the floor. Frasier rushes back out to see Roz lying on the floor and Bulldog getting up. Roz: [clutching her ankle] Ow, ow, ow, ow! Frasier: My God! [hurrying over] Are you alright? Bulldog: I got the wind knocked out of me, but I guess I'm OK. Gil comes over. Roz: Ow, ow, my ankle! Frasier: Here, Roz. [bending down and touching her leg] Does this hurt? Roz responds with a deafening screech of pain. Frasier: Alright, there's no nerve damage at least. Gil: Still, one ought to have an X-ray. Frasier: Yeah, come on. They start to help her down the hallway, with an arm around each of their shoulders. Roz: Frasier, Frasier, the show! Frasier: No, that's alright, Roz, I'll get someone to fill in for me. Roz: No, I mean right now! You've got dead air. Frasier: Oh, God! He lets go of her, almost dropping her to the floor again, and rushes back into the booth. Bulldog and Gil help a moaning Roz into a chair by the side. The former sits next to her and the latter kneels by her leg. Bulldog: [to Gil] Take the shoe off. Roz: [in pain] Oh, oh... Gil: [on removing her shoe] Oh, dear. Roz: [worried] What is it? Gil: [distastefully] I see it's been a while since our last pedicure. Roz shoots a disgusted look at Bulldog. [SCENE_BREAK] BED AND BORED Scene Two - Roz's apartment The living room shares the same space as the bedroom, and Roz is seated on the queen-sized bed, her injured ankle propped up on a cushion. She is trying to paint her toenails. The doorbell rings. Roz: [calling] Who is it? Frasier: [from behind the door] It's Frasier. Roz: It's open. Frasier pulls open the door and enters. He is carrying a white box. Frasier: Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room? Roz: Frustrating. You know how it is - you're sitting there in complete agony and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you. How was it after I left? Frasier: It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you. [looking around] That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post? Roz: Those are mine. You hate the way I've decorated, don't you? Frasier: No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage. Roz: [noticing the box] Is that for me? Frasier: Oh, yes. [hands it to her] Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work, and love. Roz: Aw, thanks, Frasier! [opens the box] So you brought me work. Frasier: Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos. Roz's patented death stare is interrupted by a knock on the door. Roz: Who is it? Bulldog: [from behind the door] It's Bulldog! Roz: Shh! Pretend we're not here. Frasier: Roz, you just said, "Who is it?" He goes to the door and opens it. We see Bulldog, clutching some white paper bags in his hands. Bulldog: Hey, Doc! Frasier: Hey, Dog. Bulldog: Hey, Roz! [noticing his surroundings] Wow! The whole place is a bedroom! [barks] Roz: What are you doing here? Bulldog: Well, I kinda feel responsible for you being on the disabled list. So I brought you some deli. Frasier: Nothing says I'm sorry like fatty meats. Bulldog: [walking into the kitchen] You got your pastrami, coleslaw... OK, where's the french fries? I ordered french fries! We hear him slamming his hand on a hard surface. Bulldog: THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [comes out of the kitchen] That apron boy is gonna...! [notices another white bag on the E-Z table next to Roz's bed] Oh, here they are. He grabs them and goes back into the kitchen. Frasier: To think he does it all without steroids. Bulldog: [coming back out] You want me to stick these in the oven? Roz: Actually, I'm not really very hungry. Bulldog: Oh. Then I guess you're not thirsty either? [pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey] Roz: Glasses are on the top shelf. He heads back into the kitchen, bottle in hand. Frasier: None for me, Bulldog. I'm off to the opera. Roz: [desperate] You can't leave! Bulldog: [calling] Hey, no ice cubes! Roz: [calling back] Just chip whatever you can off the edge of the freezer. [whispering to Frasier] If you leave me, he'll hit on me! Frasier: Roz, with a sprained ankle? Roz: You know what it's like in the jungle - they always go after the sick and the lame. Frasier: Roz, I'd like to stay, but I'm meeting people at the opera. I've got the tickets! Bulldog: [entering with two glasses] Here we go. I'll get you more ice in a minute when the feeling in my forehead comes back. Frasier: Well, curtain's going up. [opens the door and turns back] Listen, Roz, if you need anything, feel free to call me absolutely anytime. Well, except for the next three hours, of course. I'm at the opera. Oh, no, no, no... four hours, it's Wagner. Um... oh, then I've got a late supper, then right to bed, I've got an early squash game... tell you what, let's just say call me absolutely anytime after four tomorrow afternoon. He opens the door and exits, leaving Roz quite effectively in the doghouse. Bulldog: Hey. [clinks her glass with his] This is nice. You and me, having a drink together. Roz: [draining her glass] Yeah. It's been fun. Bye! [slams her glass onto the E-Z table] Bulldog: How come you only painted two toenails? Roz: [sighing] 'Cause it hurts too much when I reach. Bulldog: You want me to finish them for you? He sits himself down on the bed, picking up the bottle of nail polish. Roz: No, please, it's OK. Bulldog: Hey, it's a nice colour. Goes with the bruise. Roz: Bulldog, I mean it. Stop it. Bulldog: Hey, you got nice feet! Roz: Really? You don't think they're too big? Bulldog: You kidding? I could get this whole thing in my mouth, easy. [starts painting her nails] Roz: [semi-suspicious] You know, it's really nice of you to do all this for me. Kind of surreal... but nice. Bulldog: Oh, I figure if I'm nice to you... maybe you'll be nice to me. Roz: [pushing herself off the bed] I knew it, I knew it! You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny, low-class slimeball you've always been! Bulldog: Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me... look, all I wanted to ask you is if, you'd be interested in producing my show. Roz: [shocked] What? Bulldog: Yeah, I'm not real crazy about the guy I got now. And let's face it - you're the best producer there is. Roz: You really think I'm the best? Bulldog: Hey, that goes without saying. Roz: [obviously won over] Well, Frasier goes without saying it every day. [sits back down] Bulldog: Well, you don't have to answer right now, just take your time and think about it. But I gotta warn ya, when I set my mind on something, I get it. I once wanted to interview George Foreman. He said no... but I got him. [starts painting again] I had to paint his toenails FOUR times, but I got him! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's apartment Roz is seated on the couch, her injured leg in Daphne's lap. Daphne is giving her a massage. Daphne: You've been wrapping your bandage too tight. You've got to keep the blood flowing to the injured ligaments. Roz: Daphne, that feels great. Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough. Daphne: Actually, I'll need a raise to get me to "not enough." The door opens, and Martin enters, followed by Niles. Martin: Hey, Roz! Roz: Hey, Martin, what's going on? Martin: Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes! Daphne: [mock approvingly] Oh yes, look! They have tassels! Niles moves to hang up his coat, oblivious to Daphne's sarcasm. Niles: Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. [goes to the bar to pour himself a drink] The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates. Roz: There's a town that needs a bowling alley. Frasier now enters through the front door. Frasier: Evening, all! Niles: Hello! Roz: Hey, Frasier! Frasier: Oh Roz, Roz! Did you hear the show today? I was at the top of my form! I did a brilliant job of cutting a narcissist down to size! Niles brings him a drink. Frasier: Oh, thank you, Niles. So... He stops, noticing Martin's footwear. Frasier: Ooh, Dad! New shoes? Do I hear cathedral bells? Martin: Ring-a-ding-ding! He gets up and moves to the kitchen. Frasier: Oh, Roz, I also wanted to apologize for leaving you last night. I hope you didn't spend the whole evening fending off Bulldog's advances. Roz: Oh, no! Bulldog's not so bad! We actually had a good time! Frasier: [laden with sexual innuendo] Ohhh? Roz: What "ohhh?" Frasier: Well, I couldn't help noticing he came in to work this morning wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday. Niles: [laden with double sexual innuendo] Ohhhh?? Martin: [walking back to his chair] What's going on? Niles: Roz slept with Bulldog last night. Roz: I did not! How could you think that? Frasier: Well, I mean - dropping by, bringing a little gift? It was obvious he was after something! Daphne: Well, that's not fair! Dr. Crane is always dropping by and bringing me little gifts and he's not after anything! Niles looks decidedly uncomfortable. Roz: [indignantly] I did not sleep with Bulldog - he didn't even hit on me. He did want something, though - he wanted me to leave you and come be his new producer. Frasier: [skeptically] Oh, well! I wonder why he said that! He trades a knowing look with Niles. Roz: Because he really wants me. Frasier: Yes well, I think that goes without saying. Roz: For his show. Frasier: Oh Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to... well, to... Roz: [snappishly] To what? Niles: To play Aeneas to your Dido. [pause] Sorry you had to hear that, Daphne. Daphne: Oh, that's alright. As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about. [N.B. In an earlier draft, the line was, "dip his biscotti in your latte." Also, for lay persons, Aeneas is a figure from classical literature: a hero of the Trojan War who escaped to Carthage, and had a passionate affair with the queen, Dido, before abandoning her to go to Italy and found the city of Rome (or so Virgil tells us).] Roz: You know, this is so insulting. You think Bulldog wants me to come work for him because he wants to get me into his bed. It doesn't even occur to you that he thinks I'm a good producer. Frasier: Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive? Roz: I'll tell you what naive is. Naive is someone who thinks he can stand there and talk to me like that without getting a crutch up his butt! Frasier: Roz, I can see how he's manipulating you! I'm an expert in human behavior! Roz: Oh, really? [to Daphne] Excuse me. [stands up angrily] I've heard your expert advice! The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia! Martin laughs, and Frasier gets extremely riled-up. Frasier: Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do! Roz: Then hire one, because I'm taking the job with Bulldog! She picks up her crutches and storms out - or tries to, but it's hard to do with a pair of crutches and only one good leg. Roz: [hobbling towards the door] That's it! I am outta here! [and hobbling...] Take a picture, 'cause I'm not in your life! [still hobbling] You have seen the last of me! [finally reaches the door and says triumphantly] Sayonara! [realizes] Oh damn, my purse. Roz starts hobbling pitifully back to the couch on her crutches, with everyone looking on. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - KACL Frasier is in his booth, as per normal, but he has a new producer in the form of Bruce. Frasier: Well Bruce, I see we are loaded with callers here. What line is next? Bruce: What's your favorite number? Frasier: [tolerantly] Three. Bruce punches a button. We hear a dial tone. Bruce: Damn. What's your other favorite number? Frasier: [annoyed] Why don't you just let me handle this? [He pushes a button.] Frasier: Hello, you're on the line with Frasier Crane. I'm listening. Francesca: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Um, my name is Francesca and I'm calling about my boyfriend. Well, he says he loves me, but I just can't get over this fear that I'm going to come home one day and he's not going to be there. I don't know. It probably stems from my childhood when my father left us. Frasier: Oh Francesca, you are suffering from a fear of abandonment. But trust me, I'm here for you. Francesca: Thank you, Dr. Crane. I'm always so afraid that people I count on will just disappear and I'll be left with... Her voice is suddenly cut off, to be replaced by a disconnected dial tone. Frasier stares at Bruce with truly ferocious venom in his gaze. Bruce: Sorry! Frasier: [slightly panicked] Francesca, please... we had a little technical glitch there. But we were almost out of time anyway. Please, if you'll call in tomorrow, I'll make sure you're the first order of business. Please call. Well, we're just about wrapped up here, folks... I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle. Frasier removes his head phones, then walks into the producer's booth slowly, menacingly. Bruce: [cheerfully] Good show, Dr. Crane. Frasier: You think so, Bruce? Bruce: Yeah! Frasier: Well, call me old-fashioned but when my show starts out with a screeching noise that could shatter crystal, then moves on to an open mike while I'm eating a bag of potato chips, then disconnects two manic-depressives and a woman with a fear of abandonment, I don't think it's a show we should be mailing off to the Smithsonian! Bruce: Don't worry, man - you'll do better tomorrow. Bruce gives Frasier a comforting, condescending pat on the back and leaves. Frasier is incensed. He begins to walk back into his booth just as Bulldog wheels his usual equipment in, with Roz following behind him with a clipboard. Bulldog: Yeah, it's going to be a great show, Roz. I can feel it. Roz: Yeah, I'm psyched. You've got about a minute to show time. Frasier: Hello, Roz. Roz: Hello, Frasier. Bulldog: Hey, Doc! Long week no see. Hope you haven't been avoiding me because I stole your chick. Frasier: Oh, Bruce and I are getting along splendidly! Roz: Yeah, I heard Bruce. What happened, the cockatoo want too much money? Frasier, unable to reply, smiles sardonically, and trades sarcastic goodbyes with Roz. Frasier: Bye, Roz. Roz: So long, Frasier. He just closes the door behind him when who should he run into but Gil Chesterton. Gil: Oh, a moment, Frasier, please! I'm sure word has reached your ear already about the frutti de mare party I'm throwing to celebrate our fair city's great bounty from the sea. Frasier: Yes, yes. I'd love to come. Gil: Well, aye, there's the rub! You see, I've already invited Roz. With this rift between you two, well, the tension in the air will be thicker than my cioppino! Frasier: Well, Gil, I'm sure that rift will soon be over. Before long, Bulldog will prove that all he's wanted all along is just to get his hands on Roz. He looks into the booth. Frasier: Ooh... in fact that moment may have arrived. He peers eagerly into the booth to see Roz bending down to pick up some papers she's dropped. Frasier: Look, she's bending over! Oh turn around, Bulldog! Gil: Oh, yes! Isn't that what golfers refer to as "teeing it up?" Frasier: [excitedly] Alright, he moves in... and he... [dejectedly] ...helps pick up the papers! Gil: Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier. I too entertained hopes for low comedy. Bulldog starts his show, with Roz in the producer's booth. Bulldog: Attention, sports fans! [blows a whistle and hits his gong] You're back in the doghouse with Bulldog Briscoe! He barks twice, and Roz meows like a cat. Bulldog: Let's talk football, Sunday's lock: Broncos over the Raiders. Easy money, huh, Roz? Roz: Yeah, right! And men just want to cuddle. L.A. humiliated Denver last month! Bulldog: Wh-Wh-What? Hey, do I tell you how to cook and clean? Denver's doo! It's a complete no-brainer. Roz: Well then, it's right up your alley! She toots a horn at Bulldog defiantly. Frasier and Gil lean back from the window. Gil: You know, I'm no sports fan - but they really are quite delicious together. Frasier: Yes well, enjoy it while you can. Bulldog can't keep his libido in check forever. Gil: [condescendingly] Well, of course you're right. And then Roz will come crawling back to you. Frasier: Yes. In the meantime, I have to find someone halfway competent to produce my show. How hard could that be? RUN: Frasier's question is answered by the short scene that follows - it is a montage of all the candidates Frasier auditions for the job of Producer, and is set to the song, "They Call Me Mr. Pitiful." Frasier is seated in his booth in various stages of distress and disarray as the following people inhabit Roz's usual dominion: - an old lady who smokes so much Frasier can barely see her through the haze; - a lady who obviously has a fetish for cats, having decorated the entire studio with pictures of cats and the control panel with a real live cat; - an EXTREMELY well-endowed blonde who is greatly distracting when she bends over; - an over-worked neurotic who gets too stressed by all the calls coming in, and eventually throws up his hands in despair; - and finally, an old man (Ed) who seems to have fallen dead asleep in his chair. Frasier is suitably worried. He removes his head- phones and gets up, slinging his coat over his shoulder. His shirt is un-tucked... something we don't often get to see in a well-groomed man like Frasier. [SCENE_BREAK] NILES MEETS THE GOATBOY Scene Five - Café Nervosa Niles and Frasier are standing at the counter, having coffee. Niles: You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener, Yoshi, hacking his way through our prize topiary! Frasier: Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals. Niles: Well, we're both animal lovers. But Maris is unable to have pets. She, she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally. Anyway, there was Yoshi, drunk as a lord, swinging his hedge-trimmer recklessly over his head. Before we could calm him, he had transformed Maris's prize stallion into some sort of obscene... goat-boy. The poor woman is inconsolable. Frasier: Well, thank you, Niles. You've been a great deal of help. There are worse things than seeing one's career go down the toilet - I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes. Niles: It's always about you, isn't it? Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! But I'm just the slightest bit panicky that I'm never going to get Roz back! I've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move, and against all natural laws, he hasn't! At this point, Daphne enters the café, talking to Martin over her shoulder. Daphne: Come along! [seeing the two brothers] Oh! Hello! I thought we might run into you two here. Martin: Yeah! Daphne and I have been out buying shoes. [to Niles] Oh, not that I don't appreciate the ones that you bought me, but... I thought I'd save those for special occasions, when only tassels will do. But hey, get a load of these! He turns and walks a few steps off, showing he's now wearing new sneakers, with little pressure-activated blinkers in the heels. Martin: They light up when I walk away! Frasier: Doesn't everyone? Daphne: Well, I see Mr. Congeniality here is still spreading sunshine wherever he goes. Frasier remains standing while Martin and Daphne sit at a table. Niles: Apparently things didn't go very well on his show today. Martin: Oh, really? Well, you know these things go in cycles. I mean, take Bulldog's show - he's just had one great show after another lately. Frasier: Hmm... what could be your point, Dad? I'm having trouble reading between the lines. Martin: If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy. Frasier: As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue. Martin: You'd have to admit you were wrong. Frasier: Exactly! Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong. Frasier: You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong... the world makes a little less sense. Niles: Frankly, I don't understand why you want her back at all. She's pushy and opinionated. Frasier: Niles, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit sexist? What's labeled "pushy" in a woman is called "assertiveness" in a man. Gone are the days when women were shunted aside to bat their eyelashes prettily and say nothing. Daphne: I quite agree. Frasier: [dismissively] Oh Daphne, please, I can handle this. Daphne: Well, you've certainly handled it well enough so far! If you ask me, it's time you get off your high horse, buy Roz some flowers and beg her forgiveness. And don't be afraid to get your knees a little dusty. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not quite ready to swallow my pride. Frasier turns to leave, and runs into his most recent producer, Ed, who is passing by. Ed: Next time, wake me when the show's over. As Ed leaves, Frasier's look of consternation shows just how close he is to the end of his rope. [N.B. The actor who plays Ed appears again briefly in Everyone's A Critic.] [SCENE_BREAK] YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD BULLDOG NEW TRICKS Scene Six - Roz's apartment Roz and Bulldog are up late, sitting at her dining table and working together on the program for his upcoming shows. Bulldog: All right, Wednesday we've got the NFL Picks. Then at the end of the show we do the "boner of the week." Roz: No, we can't do that. Bulldog: This is why I hate you. You are always trying to change my tried-and-true format. Why can't we do it? Roz: Because I got you an interview with Wayne Gretsky. Bulldog: [annoyed] See, Way... [realizes] Wayne Gretsky? Roz: Mmm-hmm. Bulldog: [ecstatic] Wayne Gretsky! [hits the counter] THIS IS AWESOME! THIS IS TOTAL BRILLIANCE! [flings up his arms] THIS IS... [winces] a pinched nerve. Ah, ah, ah! It's an old football injury. I got my head rammed into a locker when I tried to interview Mike Ditka. Ahh! Roz: Here, let me help you with that. Roz stands behind him and massages his neck. Bulldog: Ah, this is great. I can't believe it. Wayne Gretsky, the great one. Aah... Roz, you are the great one. You are some kind of producer. Roz: Thanks. I'm having a great time. I owe you, Bulldog. I owe you big. At those words, Bulldog's face twists into a diabolical, self-satisfied grin - which Roz, being behind him, fails to notice. Roz: You know, I never would have thought this a couple of weeks ago, but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we? Bulldog: Uh-huh. I like chemistry. I flunked it, but I like it. You got any of that, uh... Wild Turkey left? Roz: Yeah, sure. She disappears into the kitchen. Roz: [o.s.] You know, I got to be honest with you, Bulldog. When we first started working together, I never thought it would turn out like this! Did you? Bulldog: All along. He rips off his shirt without bothering with the buttons, and takes off his jeans. He's now wearing only shorts. Bulldog: Hey uh, Roz, you'd better make mine a double. I'm a double kind of guy. He has picked up a bag and is now taking out his "equipment." As she speaks, he places a vase with a single red rose on the end table next to Roz's bed, followed by a red candle. Roz: Uh-uh! You're only going to get a little. There's a lot I want to do tonight, and I want you to keep up with me. Bulldog: Yeah, well, uh... He takes a long white feather out of his bag and ponders where to put it for a while, then sticks it in his shorts. Bulldog: All I ask is that you give me a couple of twenty-minute breaks. He takes out a boom box and starts to play some music. Roz: What's that? Bulldog: I uh... I thought a little music might be, uh, might be nice. He has a handful of rose petals which he begins to sprinkle liberally around the room. He turns down the bed covers and throws more petals down on the bed as he climbs over it back to his bag. Roz: Can you concentrate with that on? Bulldog: Oh yeah, yeah! Actually uh, I find uh... He unscrews a bottle of perfume and smears it across his bare chest. Bulldog: ...the distraction helps me. He takes out a kitchen lighter - the kind one uses to ignite stoves - and then pulls out a pair of handcuffs. He studies them for a moment. Bulldog: Nah... second date. Don't be pushy. [he drops the handcuffs] This is great, Roz... us working like this. He flicks on the lighter and lights the candle, then begins to heat up the rose petals on the bed, both to create an atmosphere of warmth as well as to make the roses' scent stronger. Bulldog: Hey, uh... did you and the Doc ever end up working... He accidentally sets the feather stuck in his shorts on fire, and he rips it out, throws it to the ground and stomps on it. Roz: What? Bulldog: Did you and the Doc ever, uh... end up working like this? Roz: Oh yeah. We tried it once, but he complained I talked too much. Satisfied with his impromptu decoration of the place, he flops back onto the bed, waiting for Roz. Bulldog: Oh, yeah? I would have figured you for a screamer. Roz comes out of the kitchen at last with two glasses of bourbon - and lets forth a truly delightful SCREAM. She drops both glasses. Roz: What the hell are you doing in my bed?! Get out! She picks a pillow up off the bed and starts thumping him with it. Roz: Get out! I asked you over here to WORK, you disgusting pervert! Bulldog: [stands up, half on the bed, half on the floor] Hey-hey-hey! You're going to have to slow down! I'm getting some mixed signals here. Roz throws the pillow down, rushes to the end table and blows out the candle. She then switches off the boom box, and gathers Bulldog's clothes up off the floor. She dashes over to the window and opens it. Bulldog: What are you doing?! Roz: Is this clear enough for you? She flings his clothes out the window. Bulldog: Hey are you crazy? My wallet's in there! Roz: Get out! Now! Yanking open the door, she does not see Frasier standing behind it, about to knock. He is holding a large bouquet of flowers - obviously he has decided to come groveling back. How fortuitous! Bulldog: Get out of my way, Doc. He exits. Roz notices Frasier and covers her face with her hand. Roz: [embarrassment and despair] Oh...! Frasier: [with quiet triumph] I'm listening. [SCENE_BREAK] We are back at KACL. The old man is fast asleep in the producer's booth again, but this time he is producing Bulldog's show. Bulldog, in his own booth, tries to get his attention - first by saying "Hey" twice into the microphone, then tapping the mike with his drumstick. When neither action works, he blows on his whistle... but that doesn't work either. He hammers against the glass partition with his drumstick. No reaction. Removing his head phones, he picks up a horn and storms over to the producer's booth, and starts tooting the horn into the man's ear. The man remains dead asleep. Finally, Bulldog checks his pulse - it appears he IS dead.

After Bulldog asks Roz to be his producer, Frasier insults her by suggesting that he asked her only because he wants to have sex with her. Roz takes up the position, leaving Frasier with a series of incompetent replacements. As Frasier swallows his pride and prepares to apologize and beg Roz to return, Bulldog does indeed attempt to sleep with Roz.

fd_Schitt_s_Creek_01x05

fd_Schitt_s_Creek_01x05_0

Moirira and Johnny: (Moans of passion) Oh yeah! Yeah. Yeah. David: Could you spare some a... Oh my go-oh my God! Moira: (Shrieks) David! Johnny: Where's my robe?! David: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God, what's happening? I saw hell is what's happening. Oh my God. What? (Door opens) David: Oh my God. Johnny: David, what you just saw was your mother and me... David: I know what I saw. Johnny: having an intimate moment. David: I cannot unsee that! Alexis: Oh my God, you poor thing! Johnny: Okay, and I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife. Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew! Moira: I hate to be the one to tell you, but having s*x is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having s*x. Oh my God, can you stop this please?! Moira: I will not be shamed. Shame on you. David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning. Moira: John? Johnny: You know what? David: Oh my God. Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two? David: I do now. Johnny: Yes, well, if you don't mind, we are now going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door! Moira: Are you serious? Johnny: Next time. David: (Under his breath) Oh my God. (Gags) Alexis: (Whimpers) No, no, no... S01E05 "The Cabin" Johnny: Roland, I just need the door fixed. Roland: Mm-hmm? Johnny: Okay? My family can't keep living like this. My wife and I, we have no privacy. Okay, all right. I get what this is about. You and the wife wanna bump the old uglies, huh? Roland: (Laughs) Johnny: I have no idea what that means. Having a little problem down there below there, Johnny boy, huh? No, there's no problem, Roland, I just need the locks fixed! It's okay, I get it. I get it, captain. You've been a out to sea for a while you wanna bring the boat into port and maybe... get your mast scrubbed. What're you guys down to now? Like... twice a day? Okay, this is a conversation you and I will never have, all right? I just need the door fixed. Well, how 'bout I do you one better? We got a cabin up by the lake. It's just a little love nest for the lady and me. You know, when we wanna spark the old spark from time to time. My gift to you and yours for the night. So generous, but I'm gonna take a pass. Jocelyn: Hey, Johnny. Johnny: Jocelyn? Jocelyn: How are you? Johnny: Uh, good. Good. Roland: s*x life's in the crapper. I just offered him the cabin. That is so not true. Jocelyn: I knew something was wrong. Johnny: N-nothing is wrong. You should take the cabin. I wouldn't wanna see your relationship get any worse. No, our relationship is fine. It's just a privacy issue... Roland: Johnny, Johnny, come on, come on, come on, come on. Take the cabin, okay? And feel free to use the restraints. We keep 'em under the bed, so... Johnny: Thank you. Thank you. Jocelyn: Pick a safe word. Roland: Mm. Johnny: (Sighs) I, for one, think we should take them up on their offer. I can't believe what I'm hearing here. We're talking about Roland's place. Who knows what the hell we're gonna find up there? Moira: Well, we can't share any real intimacy here in this internment camp, John, and I don't want to turn into my parents. Separate beds, separate rooms. Well, separate countries. Exactly! A bad marriage! Hey, if you're willing to give this a shot, I'm game. Moira: You're game. Johnny: Yeah. Moira: Okay. I'll play. Actually, I have a good feeling about this, John. Johnny: You know, I'm starting to get a pretty good feeling myself. Are you? David: Oh my God! Am I being punished for something? David, are you dirty peeping tom? I don't' think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me. I'm here to grab a magazine, and go back and leave you guys to whatever disgusting... Moira: Stay. Johnny: Stick around, stick around. Moira: Alexis? Johnny: Alexis! They're done! Your father and I have some very important news. If you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now. Moira: Oh, can you imagine? Johnny: We're planning a trip. David: Okay. Johnny: Just to a cabin, overnight... And we request that the two of you not try to contact us for the next 24 hours. I really appreciate you doing that for me. I'm doing it for us. Well, it's to my benefit. Alexis: Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer? Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere. David: Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool? Alexis looked Chinese as an infant. How many times must I defend myself? So we're good then? Thank you. David: No, thank you. Johnny: No, thank you. David: Honestly, thank you. Johnny: Enough, David! Moira: Thank you so much for the loan of your cabin and your truck. Roland: Looks like you folks got a lot of gear here, huh? Is that the tickle trunk? (Smarmy laugh) It's just clothes. Roland: Yeah, okay, but just keep in mind there's only 60 amp service there, so don't be pluggin' a lot of gadgets in all at once, if you know what I mean. Yet another disturbing look into his world. Roland: All right, directions. Super easy, Johnny. Here's what I want you to do. Okay, I want you take highway 10 to Loon Lake Road north, okay? I want you to take a right there. There's gonna be a split in the fence, I want you to go left at that split, and keep going. Go through the intersection of Loon Lake Road south, okay? And then you're gonna find Pine Road. Now you go up Pine Road, I want you take a right at that big oak tree, all right? It's old, it's big, you can't miss it. You go down the hill to the left and we're the third cabin on the right, okay? The key's under the mat. Johnny: Got it. Moira: Really? Johnny: Key is under the mat. So I think I'm gonna go next door because your mess is making me anxious. What mess? David: You know how clean my apartment was in New York. It was so clean. It was really clean. Well, it was very clean because you had a maid to keep it very clean for you. No. I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned. Anyway, I think it's best if we just take some space and um... I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed that his not... made for a toddler. Okay. I'll just chill here in my own space and... David: Yeah. Alexis: Maybe I'll do a mask or something and... check in with myself and see how I'm doing... Okay, so we're good? Alexis: Yeah. David: Okay. See you tomorrow. Okay. (Door closes) (Bedding rustles) (Relaxing sigh, book pages rustle) (Door creaks shut) I'm out of mask. I was so bored in there! I'm sorry to hear that. Alexis: Okay, so I think that we should take advantage of mom and dad being gone. David: I am. Alexis: Okay, but like throwing a party or something. David: No. Absolutely not. Alexis: Just a tiny, little, casual motel party. Okay, Alexis, I have no interest in finding out what types of people are attracted to "casual motel parties." Alexis: But you do have an interest in lounging on a bed that mom and dad have had s*x all over? David: Why would you do that to me right now? David, I just... I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm... funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me. David: Obviously. Alexis: Okay, so...? David: Okay, fine. Something small. Alexis: Yes! David: Like a little games night. Yes, like a small, little games night party. No. Like a little games night period. Okay, fine. And then, if it turns into something else, it turns into something else. Well, it won't 'cause there's only six people invited. Any more and game play gets too yelly. It gets very yelly. Okay, this party is gonna be... David: It's not a party. Alexis: awesome! David: It's not a party. Alexis: So. Much. Fun! I'm so excited! (Door bangs shut) (Insects chirp, birds Twitter) (Truck rumbles to a stop) (Engine cuts out, doors creak open and bang shut) Johnny: Hey, not bad! Rustic but nice, huh? The great outdoors, Moira. I am shocked and delighted. Yes. I have to say I was nervous about this, but I've gotta hand it to Roland, he came through. He's moron! (Pots and dishes clatter) Key's under the mat, is it? The key is under the mat! (Ripping sound) Agh! That's great! Lying son-of-a... (pan crashes on floor) Agh! Idiot man! Moron! Ha! Oh, good. Moira: John?! Johnny: Yeah! Coming, honey! I'm coming. (Blows out his breath) (Lock clicks) Well hellooooo. Oh, my car broke down and it's raining, and I wondered if I might spend the night. Well, first let's get you out of those... dry clothes and we'll see where the night takes us. David: So I need to flesh out this games night thing. Between you and my sister, and the barn guy and that girl in the restaurant, we have 5, and obviously we need an even 6 for ultimate game play. Stevie: Well, what if I'm not a games person? David: We're far too similar for you not to be, so... Options, please. Obviously they need to be funny, and smart, and have well-rounded sense of humour and a wide range of knowledge. Oh, all those types of people move away from here. David: That's funny. Stevie: No, I'm serious. Stevie: Ooh, what about Eric? David: Hmm? He finished high school. I don't love his look. Oh, looks are important? Oh... Why don't we throw a pageant? Trust me, if I had time, we would, but we don't, so... What about Sarah? She's cute and speaks english. Hmm? Mm... She get it? Stevie: Get what? Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe. Understand that games night needs to run a certain way, otherwise it won't work. Can I be on your team? You sound really fun. David: Listen, you don't have to help me out if you don't want to. David: I can find someone else. Stevie: Really? David: Mm-hmm. Stevie: Okay. David: Well, it's-okay. Stevie: Have fun. David: Okay. Stevie: My money's on the other team. (Receding footsteps, cars rumble by) [SCENE_BREAK] (door opens) David: Hi. (Door clicks shut) Can I help you? Yeah, I just uh... Came to apologize. For what? For uninviting you to games night. You did not uninvite me. I uninvited myself. Mm-hmm. Okay, well, um... I would really like it if you came and I would really love it if you could bring... one other person of your choosing. So it doesn't matter if they don't blend? M-mm-mm. And this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you couldn't find anybody else to come? (Scoffs) No. What? No. I... You are a very bright, funny person, with a wide range of useful knowledge and the fact that we don't have an ideal number for team style game-play, is not... not why I'm here. You're such a liar. And I was bluffing when I said I wasn't coming. I just wanted to see you beg, so... David: Okay. Stevie: I'll put out some feelers, but, you know, such short notice, all the town hotties will have plans. I'll see you tonight! Yeah, thanks. David: Thank you. Stevie: Welcome. Moira: This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage. I was half expecting early unibomber. Johnny: Oh, look! Roland and Jocelyn. Moira: Who are the other two? Johnny: Well, that's Bob. He's on the town council. Moira: And his partner? Roland has gay friends! Again, shocked and delighted. I think that's his wife. Moira: No, they're both called husband. Look at the them smiling away. What have they got to be so happy about? Johnny: Well, they have no money issues. That's why they're so happy. Yeah, they just don't know any better. (Birds sing, crickets chirp) David: So, Eric, how do you know Stevie? Eric: She used to be my babysitter. Great. Wow. Okay. And how are your... Trivia skills? Eric: My what? David: Oh my God. Okay. Good choice. Good choice. (Knock at the door) Alexis: (Squeals excitedly) (Door opens) You guys came. Together. That's so cute! Come in! Twyla, you look amazing! Mutt, you look like a mill dollars. Twyla: Okay, so I brought this pie from work but on the way, I realized I didn't check what kind so there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it. Alexis: Oh my God, that's so cute. Thank you. David: Okay, so it's 8:15. It's 8:15. We should have started at 8. So... fifteen minutes late, let's sit down and I will... explain the game. Alexis: And I would just like to thank everybody so much for coming. This is the first social thing that I've done in like a really long time, so let's just have so much fun and we'll just see where the night takes us. David: Well, it'll take us to a three part games night that ends at 10. Alexis: Okay, well, we'll see. David: Okay, so let's start. Alexis: Okay. David: Let's start by putting down 10 famous names onto the pieces of paper in front of you. Mutt: I don't think I can fit ten names on this piece of paper. David: That's funny. That's funny. No. One per piece of paper. Ten pieces of paper, ten names. Eric: Who should I put down? David: I can't tell you that, Eric, 'cause that would wreck the game. Eric: So then how do I know what to put? David: Oh my God. Stevie: (Whispers) Relax. Twyla: Can you put yourself down? Alexis: Oh, okay, who wants a shot? Because I do. David: No, we need to finish putting the names down first. (Knock at the door) David: Who's that? Alexis: Okay, I may or may not have invited a few other people. David: What kind-who? I don't know. I met them on the way home. (Running footsteps, door clicks open) Alexis: Hey! Dane: Hey. Alexis: How are you? Dane: Good, good. Alexis: Good. Hey! Dane: Hey, kids. Stevie... Mutt... Twyla. Stevie: Hey, Dane. David: Who the... Bleep... is this? He's the worst, okay? So just breathe through it. David: Hi. David Rose. Oh... 'Kay. So we have split into teams and that's an odd number, so we're... stuck. No worries. We're here for the party. Keg's in the truck. What kegs? No one ordered a keg. David, can you please not be rude in front of... Dane: Dane. Alexis: Dane? Eric: So now what? David: (Jumps) Oh, God! In the bowl, Eric. Put them in the... (Papers rustle, pen clatters) (Crickets chirp) Johnny: Wow. Moira: Yeah. I can't see out of one eye. But I'm still alive, that's the main thing. (Sighs) I'm hungry. Should I go get... No! No. You don't have to get anything. I will get some food, I will get the wine. You... have done more than enough. (Wine glasses clink) Bob: Oh good, you're done. We uh... we didn't wanna interrupt. Johnny: What're doing here? Bob: Oh, just finishing off the latest Harold Zable novel. (Chuckles) You ever read him? How long have you been here? Quite a while. Yeah, you seemed to have a little trouble there, getting going. And, uh, well, we uh... We didn't think you needed the extra pressure on you, so... Gwen: Oh, hi! You're good. Moira: And you are? Bob: I'm Bob, this is my wife Gwen, and, uh, this is our cabin. Johnny: Oh, no, no, no. This is Roland and Jocelyn's cabin. Gwen: No, they're a mile up the road. Bob: Big tree, a fence. You can't miss it. (Awkward silence, Johnny sighs) David: She died! She's a dead person! Twyla: Marilyn Monroe! David: No! She helps people! Twyla: Oprah. Stevie: Calcutta! Calcutta! David: Calcutta! The lepers! She's the mother... She's a mother... David: It's not your turn, Alexis! Twyla: Princess Diana. Stevie and David: No! She's... David: The lepers in Calcutta, she helps them. Stevie: Lepers! Lepers! David: There's all these lepers. Alexis: Stop yelling at her though! David: It's the point of the game is the yell! She's a mother and has your cousin's name. Twyla: Teresa? Twyla: Mother Teresa! Alexis: Yes! David: You can't say mother! You can't say mother! Mutt: She wasn't getting it. David: That's the point! Anyway, no points for them. We have to start this again. Dane: This party's terrible. David: Excuse me? Alexis: Okay, so then, hey, why don't we do something else, like a drinking game. David: No! Absolutely not! Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink. David: Why would you bring up my eye in front of all these people? (Knock at the door) David: Who is that?! Alexis: Calm down. Dane thought he should just invite over a few more of his friends, so... David: Oh, did he? Alexis: Yeah. Dane: Who's up for strip poker? David: Okay, you know what? I'm out. No, that's it. I'm gonna call it a night. I'm gonna pack it in. Eric, don't look at my eye! Alexis: Why are you being such an old woman? I'm sorry that I wanted to have fun tonight and invite a few random guys over and try and make out with them, okay? You're not the only one dying in this town. It is boring and I am just trying to make the best of it. I'm really sorry everybody. No offense, okay? Twyla: I'm well-versed in family conflict... David: I'm sure you are. Alexis? If you want to party, have a party. But I have a queen bed next door with my name on it and I have been looking forward to sleeping in that bed all day, so... Mutt: Maybe we should go. Alexis: No. You know what, guys? It's totally fine. David, I would love it if you would come and party with us, but it's totally up to you. David: And I'm totally gonna go. So everybody have a good night. I don't know who you are! Dane, put that down and get off my bed! No one on my bed tonight. And don't-no one throw up! (Door slams shut) So his eye twitched five times, so drink up, bitches! Guys: All right! Alexis: Woo! Dane: Shots! All right. Ready and... Johnny: And once again, my apologies. Moira: And I'm sorry, I don't know how to make a bed. Johnny: And I may have damaged your corkscrew, Bob. Bob: You broke it in half. (Door rattles as Johnny struggles) Johnny: Okay, the door, it won't open. The door won't open. Bob: It's locked. Johnny: Oh, it's locked. Moira: What do you want from us? Bob: Yes, it's... it's locked to prevent strangers from coming into the cabin. See, uh, we didn't realize that, uh, strangers would already be in the cabin when we locked it. Johnny: I see. Oh. Okay. Moira: Bye! Johnny: There we go. Moira: Thank you. Bye. Johnny: You've been consummate hosts, really. Fantastic day. (Door bangs shut) (Music plays) Twyla: Hey, Mutt, can you pass me a drink? Um... (Door bangs shut, muted chatter through door) Stevie: Sorry. Hey! David: Hi! Here's the thing. Um, I'm sorry that you and your sister are in a domestic, and I'm sorry that I invited Eric. That joke was funnier in theory. Bad joke. But I'm gonna need you to come back in there. David: Why? Because I don't really like most of those people and, believe it or not, we are in the middle of a very intense game of drunken charades and my team is losing. Badly. Well, that's not really my thing. It's not my thing either, but you were right; We're way too similar and I am having a very hard time losing, so... I will happily let you get back to this big queen bed if you'll just help us win a few more rounds. Just need somebody sober. David: I can't... Stevie: Please. Go back in there. It's embarrassing. They are way too drunk to remember. (Sighs) Just two winning rounds and then it's over. Then you can go back to your book. David: Fine. Fine. Two rounds. Stevie: You can go back to sleep. David: Quick. Quick rounds. Stevie: Thank you. David: Fine. Stevie: Thank you. Stevie: And just don't look at the stain on your bed, and we'll mime something special. David: What stain? Stevie: Uh... David: You're lucky I'm good at this game. Dane: Yes! A mexican... Alexis: Just get this one! Moira: Are you sure you don't want to call a tradesman or someone, John? Moira, I don't need a tradesman. I can handle a screwdriver, okay? This is working out just... fine. (Grunts of effort) And... that... is... in. Look at this. (Opens and closes door) Instant lock. Moira: Yes, let me tell you, Eddie. You look awfully good in that blue collar. Johnny: (Voice-breaking twang) Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Rose. I don't often get compliments when I'm fixing doors. Oh, Edward, I'm afraid I must tell you, I shan't be able to pay you today. (Voice-breaking twang) Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose. Maybe there's um... some other way you can pay me, if you get my drift. (Door rips open, lock jingles uselessly) Did you take my mask? Thank you. (Door bangs shut) (Voice-breaking twang) Well, maybe I'll use a bigger screw, Mrs. Rose. Don't you go anywheres. Moira: I'll be right here, Eddie.

Tired of the lack of privacy at the motel, Johnny and Moira borrow Roland's and Jocelyn's cabin for a romantic overnight visit; Alexis talks David into having a game night at the motel while their parents are at the cabin, but invites additional people without his permission and turns the evening into a drunken party.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x01

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x01_0

Broadcast 23 November 1963 Duration: 23 minutes 10 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. TOTTERS LANE (NIGHT) (On a dark foggy night a lone policeman patrols his beat through the empty streets of London. Nearby a clock chimes 3 a.m. The policeman walks up to a pair of tall shabby wooden gates on which is painted I.M. Foreman Scrap Merchant Totters Lane The policeman shines his torch onto the gates then proceeds into the night. Behind him, one of the gates creaks open revealing that hidden within the scrap and junk of yard is the incongruous shape of a London police box. That is strange enough in itself, but even stranger is the fact that the box is emitting a low electronic hum.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. CORRIDOR (The ringing of the bell brings an end to another day at the school. The students spill out of the classrooms, chattering to each other. A woman, BARBARA WRIGHT, follows the students out, calling back into the classroom.) BARBARA: Wait in here please, Susan. I won't be long. (Various pupils say "Good night, Miss Wright as they walk past BARBARA. Two female students walk along the corridor, very interested in the paper they're reading. A young male student comes up, mocking their excited tones. The girls roll their eyes. One whispers something naughty to the other, they smile and move along. BARBARA walks up behind them up to another classroom door. With a quick knock, she walks in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. LABORATORY (Inside another teacher, IAN CHESTERTON sits at a lab bench, marking some papers. He looks up as BARBARA enters.) IAN: Not gone yet? BARBARA: Obviously not. IAN: Ask a silly question... BARBARA: I'm sorry. IAN: It's all right. I'll forgive you this time. (BARBARA walks up to the bench and sits.) BARBARA: Oh, I've had a terrible day. I don't know what to make of it. IAN: Oh? What's the trouble? Can I help? BARBARA: Oh, it's one of the girls: Susan Foreman. IAN: Susan Foreman? Oh ho. She your problem too? BARBARA: Yes. IAN: And you don't know what to make of her? BARBARA: No. IAN: How old is she, Barbara? BARBARA: fifteen IAN: Fifteen...she lets her knowledge out a bit at a time, so as not to embarrass me: that's what I feel about her. She knows more science than I'll ever know. She's a genius! Is that what she's doing with history? BARBARA: Something like that. IAN: So, your problem is whether to stay in business or hand over the class to her. BARBARA: No, not quite. IAN: (Laughs.) what then? BARBARA: Ian, I must talk to someone about this, but I don't want the girl to get into trouble. And I know you're going to tell me I'm imagining things. IAN: No, I'm not. BARBARA: Well, I told you how good she is at history. I had a talk with her, and I told her she ought to specialise. Well, she seemed quite interested 'till I said I'd be willing to work with her at her home. Then she said that would be "absolutely impossible" as her grandfather didn't like strangers. IAN: (Getting up and walking around to a sink.) He's a doctor, isn't he? It's a bit of a lame excuse. BARBARA: Well, I didn't pursue the point. But then recently, her homework's been so bad. IAN: (Washing his hands.) Yes, I know. BARBARA: Finally, I was so irritated with all her excuses, I decided to have a talk with this grandfather of hers and tell him to take some interest in her. IAN: Oh, did you indeed? And what's the old boy like? BARBARA: Well, that's just it. I got her address from the secretary - 76 Totters Lane - and I went along there one evening. (IAN finishes washing his hands.) BARBARA: Oh Ian, do pay attention! (He walks across the room to dry his hands.) IAN: Sorry. You went along there one evening... BARBARA: Well, there isn't anything there. It's just an old junkyard. IAN: Well, you must've gone to the wrong place. BARBARA: Well that's the address the secretary gave me. IAN: Well the secretary got it wrong then... BARBARA: No. I checked. There's a big wall on one side, houses on the other, and nothing in the middle. And this 'nothing in the middle' is No. 76 Totters Lane! IAN: Mmm...that's a bit of mystery. Well, there must be a simple answer somewhere. BARBARA: Well, what? IAN: (Grins.) Well, we'll have to find out for ourselves, won't we? BARBARA: (Grins.) Thank you for the "we". She's waiting in one of the classrooms. I'm lending her a book on the French Revolution. IAN: What's she going to do - rewrite it? (BARBARA rolls her eyes, and the two teachers get up to leave.) IAN: Oh, all right! (He grabs his coat.) What do we do? Ask her point blank? BARBARA: No. I thought we could drive there, wait 'till she arrives and see where she goes. IAN: (Puts his coat on.) Oh...all right. BARBARA: Well, that is, if you're not doing anything. IAN: No, I'm not. (He opens the door.) After you... [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. CLASSROOM (15-year old SUSAN FOREMAN - the subject of the teacher's conversation - is listening to a little pocket radio, putting it up to her ear. She's a slim beauty with elfin features, unusually short dark hair and unusual eyes. She dances strangely to the music by making abrupt movements with her right hand and fake strumming a guitar. Behind her, IAN and BARBARA walk in. She's oblivious to them. Both smile with amusement.) BARBARA: Susan? SUSAN: (Putting down the radio.) Oh, I-I'm sorry, Miss Wright! I didn't hear you coming in. Aren't they fabulous? BARBARA: Who? SUSAN: I-It's John Smith and the Common Men. They've gone from 19 to 2. BARBARA: (Not understanding a bit of it.) Hmm. (She looks puzzled.) IAN: (Laughing.) "John Smith" is the stage name of the honourable Aubrey Waites. He started his career as Chris Waites and the Carollers, didn't he, Susan? SUSAN: You are surprising, Mr. Chesterton. I wouldn't expect you to know things like that. IAN: I have an enquiring mind...(Motions to the loud radio.) and a very sensitive ear. SUSAN: Oh, (Turning the radio off, slightly flustered.) I'm sorry. IAN: Thank you. SUSAN: (Noticing the book that BARBARA is holding.) Is that the book you promised me? BARBARA: (Hands it over.) Yes. SUSAN: Thank you very much. It will be interesting...I'll return it tomorrow. BARBARA: Oh, that's not necessary. Keep it until you've finished it. SUSAN: (She picks up her school bag.) I'll have finished it. (IAN and BARBARA glance at each other in surprise.) IAN: Oh, where do you live, Susan? I'm giving Miss Wright a lift. I've room for one more. SUSAN: Er...no thank you, Mr. Chesterton. Er...I like walking through the dark. It's mysterious. BARBARA: Be careful, Susan. There'll probably be fog again tonight. SUSAN: (Arranging things in her school bag.) Hmm. BARBARA: See you in the morning. SUSAN: I expect so. Good night. BARBARA: Good night. IAN: Good night, Susan. (IAN and BARBARA leave the room. SUSAN looks behind her at the closing door then picks up her book - "The French Revolution," and starts to read a page at random. A moment later, she blinks at the book, startled.) SUSAN: That's not right...! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (NIGHT) (IAN and BARBARA are in his car as it arrives in Totters Lane.) BARBARA: Over there! (The car comes to a stop before the old wooden gate to the junkyard. The two teachers remain in the vehicle.) IAN: Lucky there was no fog. I'd never have found this. BARBARA: Well, she doesn't seem to have arrived yet. (She pauses nervously.) I suppose we are doing the right thing, aren't we? IAN: You can't justify curiosity. BARBARA: But her homework... IAN: Bit of an excuse, really, isn't it? I've seen far worse. The truth is, we're both curious about Susan, and we won't be happy until we know some of the answers. BARBARA: Well, you can't just pass it off like that. If I thought I was just being a busybody, I'd go straight home! I thought you agreed she was a bit of a mystery! IAN: Yes, but I think you'll find there's a very simple explanation to all this. BARBARA: Well, I don't know how you explain the fact that a teenage girl does not know how many shillings there are in a pound. IAN: (Surprised.) Really? BARBARA: Really! She said she thought we were on the decimal system. IAN: The decimal system? [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. BARBARA 'S CLASSROOM (FLASHBACK) (The whole of BARBARA'S history class is laughing at SUSAN'S naiveté. A visibly stung SUSAN turns her back on the other students and stares directly at BARBARA - the scene is seen from her point of view.) SUSAN: I'm sorry, Miss Wright. BARBARA: (OOV: Cross.) Don't be silly, Susan. The United States has a decimal system. You know perfectly well that we do not. SUSAN: (In a shock of understanding.) Of course - the decimal system hasn't started yet! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (CONTINUED) (IAN rubs his chin in thought.) IAN: I suppose she couldn't be a foreigner...no, it doesn't make sense! Nothing about this girl makes sense. For instance, just the other day, I was talking about chemical changes. I'd given out the litmus paper to show cause and effect... BARBARA: ...and she knew the answer before you'd started. IAN: Well, not quite. The answer simply didn't interest her... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. LABORATORY (FLASHBACK) (A nervous SUSAN at the lab bench, again surrounded by her fellow pupils, addresses IAN, who's walking toward her - again it is from the teachers point of view.) SUSAN: Yes, I can see red turns to blue, Mr. Chesterton, but that's because we're dealing with two inactive chemicals. They only act in relation to each other. IAN: (OOV, Exasperated.) But that's the whole point of the experiment, Susan. SUSAN: Yes, it's a bit obvious, isn't it? Well, I-I'm not trying to be rude, but...couldn't we deal with two active chemicals? Then red could turn blue all by itself and we could get on with something else. (Her expression turns sheepish as she glances at her fellow pupils and she speaks more quietly.) SUSAN: I'm sorry. It was just an idea. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (CONTINUED) IAN: She means it. These simple experiments are child's play to her. BARBARA: You know, it's almost got to the point where I want to deliberately trip her up. IAN: (Laughing quietly.) Yes...something like that happened the other day. I'd set the class a problem with A, B, and C as the three dimensions... [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL. LABORATORY (FLASHBACK) (SUSAN is clearly upset. For the final time she faces IAN full on.) SUSAN: It's impossible unless you use D and E! IAN: (OOV.) D and E? Whatever for? Do the problem that's set, Susan. SUSAN: I can't, Mr. Chesterton! You can't simply work on three of the dimensions! IAN: (OOV.) Three of them? Oh. Time being the fourth, I suppose. Then what do you need E for? What do you make the fifth dimension? SUSAN: (Quietly and somewhat mysteriously.) Space... [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. TOTTERS LANE. (CONTINUED) BARBARA: Too many questions and not enough answers. IAN: Too stupid...or just doesn't know. So, we have a fifteen-year old girl who is absolutely brilliant at some things and excruciatingly bad at others. BARBARA: (Pointing out of the cars windscreen window.) There she is! (At the entrance to the junkyard, SUSAN, in her hat and coat with her bag over her shoulder, looks round furtively, then pushes open the gate and enters the yard.) BARBARA: Look, can we go in? I..I hate to think of her, alone in that place. IAN: If she is alone. Look, she is fifteen...she might be meeting a boy. Didn't that occur to you? BARBARA: I almost hope she is. IAN: What do you mean? BARBARA: Well, it would be so wonderfully normal. (Both teachers laugh. But BARBARA grows sombre.) BARBARA: It's silly, isn't it? I feel frightened...as if we're about to interfere in something that is best left alone... [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. JUNKYARD. 76 TOTTERS LANE (SUSAN walking through the junkyard, puts something to eat in her mouth. A tailors dummy with a broken head stands behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. TOTTERS LANE (IAN opens up the car door.) IAN: Come on, let's get it over with. (He and BARBARA get out of the car, and start toward the gate. BARBARA is getting more and more uneasy, and hangs back.) BARBARA: Well, don't you feel it? IAN: I take things as they come, come on. (The two teachers walk towards the gates.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. JUNKYARD. 76 TOTTERS LANE (With a creak of the gate, IAN and BARBARA enter the junkyard. IAN switches on his torch and they stare at the mounds of junk. SUSAN is nowhere in sight. They briefly examine the tailors dummy.) IAN: What a mess. I'm not turning any of this stuff over to find her... BARBARA: (Points.) Over there? (IAN starts in the direction indicated, only to stumble over one of the pieces of junk. He picks himself back up.) IAN: Blast! I dropped it! BARBARA: What? IAN: The torch! BARBARA: Well, use a match! IAN: No, I haven't got any. Oh, never mind. (The two teachers continue their exploration of the junkyard - now somewhat in darkness.) BARBARA: Susan? IAN: Susan? Susan? (IAN starts up a short flight of stairs which lead to the building at the back of the yard.) IAN: Susan? (He comes back down.) IAN: Susan! Mr. Chesterton and Miss Wright! (He looks behind the stairs then, quietly to himself.) IAN: Can't have got out without us seeing her? BARBARA: Ian...look at this! (BARBARA has found the Police Box, which stands next to the stairs.) IAN: Well, it's a police box! What on earth's it doing here? Well, these things are usually on the street... (IAN has put his hand on the box's side whilst saying this but he stops dead in surprise. He touches it with his full hand, more firmly.) IAN: Feel it! Feel it! (BARBARA quickly puts the back of her hand on and off the side of the box.) IAN: Did you feel it? BARBARA: It's a faint vibration... (He takes a step back from the box.) IAN: It's alive! (IAN quickly walks around the back of the box as BARBARA waits.) IAN: It's not connected to anything, unless it's through the floor. BARBARA: Look, I-I've had enough. Let's go and find a policeman. IAN: Yes, all right... (A coughing sound echoes through the junkyard from outside the gates.) BARBARA: Is that her? IAN: That's not her... (The gate creaks open.) IAN: Quick! (They hide behind the stairs. An OLD MAN walks into view. Seemingly in his mid seventies, with straight, slightly long white hair, wearing an Astrakhan hat, cloak and scarf. He coughs and waves a handkerchief to clear the air. He walks up to the box, pulling out a key and, holding a slim pen flashlight in the other hand, starts to insert the key into the lock set into the box's door.) SUSAN: (OOV.) There you are, Grandfather! BARBARA: (Whispering but shocked.) It's Susan! IAN: Shh! (The OLD MAN has heard them. He pockets the key and shines the torch on the stairs as IAN comes out of hiding.) IAN: (Sheepishly.) Excuse me... OLD MAN: (Shining the pen torch at his face.) What are you doing here? IAN: Uh, we're looking for a girl. OLD MAN: We? BARBARA: (Stepping into view.) Good evening. OLD MAN: What do you want? IAN: Um...one of our pupils, Susan Foreman, came into this yard. OLD MAN: (A smile on his face.) Really? In here? Are you sure? BARBARA: Yes. We saw her from across the street. OLD MAN: (To himself.) One of their pupils. Not the police, then... IAN: Er...I...I beg your pardon?? OLD MAN: (He fixes IAN with a stare.) Why were you spying on her? Who are you? IAN: We heard a young girl's voice call out to you... OLD MAN: Your hearing must be very acute. I didn't hear anything. BARBARA: (She points at the box.) It came from in here! OLD MAN: (A flash of fear crosses his face.) You imagined it. BARBARA: I certainly did not imagine it! (The OLD MAN pulls IAN by the arm to one side.) OLD MAN: Young man...Is it reasonable to suppose that anyone would be inside a cupboard like that, hmm? IAN: Would it therefore be unreasonable to ask you to let us have a look inside? (The OLD MAN'S attention is suddenly drawn to a painting amid the junk.) OLD MAN: (Picks the painting up.) I wonder why I've never seen that before. Now, isn't that strange? Pretty damp and dirty...hmm... BARBARA: Won't you help us? We're two of her teachers from the Coal Hill School. We saw her come in and we haven't seen her leave. Naturally, we're worried... OLD MAN: (Not paying attention and muttering to himself.) Have to be cleaned... (He suddenly seems to notice her again.) Mmm? Oh, I'm afraid it's none of my business. I suggest you leave here. (He puts the painting back down and walks back to the Police box.) IAN: Not until we're satisfied that Susan isn't here and, frankly, I don't understand your attitude... OLD MAN: Oh, yours leaves a lot to be desired. IAN: Will you open the door? OLD MAN: There's nothing in there! IAN: Then what are you afraid to show us? OLD MAN: Afraid? Oh, go away! IAN: (To BARBARA.) I think we'd better go and fetch a policeman. OLD MAN: Very well. IAN: And you're coming with us. OLD MAN: Oh...am I? (He chuckles.) I don't think so, young man. No, I don't think so... BARBARA: (Whisper.) We can't force him! IAN: (Whisper.) But we can't leave him here! Doesn't it seem obvious to you he's got her locked up in there? (BARBARA nods.) Look at it! (The OLD MAN is standing away from them again, now seemingly examining a small jug but his real attention is occupied by the teachers conversation as IAN examines the box's door.) IAN: There's no door handle...must be a secret lock somewhere. BARBARA: That was Susan's voice. IAN: Of course it was! Susan...Susan? Are you in there? It's Mr. Chesterton and Miss Wright, Susan! OLD MAN: Don't you think you're being rather high-handed, young man? You thought you saw a young girl enter the yard. You imagined you heard her voice. You believe she might be in there. It's not very substantial, is it? BARBARA: But why won't you help us? (He puts the jug back down and faces the teachers.) OLD MAN: I'm not hindering you. If you both want to make fools of yourselves, I suggest you do what you said you'd do. Go and find a policeman. IAN: While you nip off quietly in the other direction. OLD MAN: (Momentarily closes his eyes.) Insulting. (He faces them again.) There's only one way in and out of this yard. I shall be here when you get back. I want to see your faces when you try to explain away your behaviour to a policeman. IAN: Nevertheless, we're going to find one. Come along, Barbara. (The two teachers turn their backs on the OLD MAN, toward the gate. They've taken only a step when the door of the box opens.) SUSAN: (OOV.) What are you doing out there? IAN: She is in there! (Suddenly the OLD MAN rushes at the two teachers, trying to hold them back.) OLD MAN: Close the door! IAN: Barbara! (As IAN struggles with the OLD MAN, BARBARA dashes through the box's open door...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. POLICE BOX (...and into a large brilliantly lit white room. The walls are covered with circular, indentations. A hexagonal-shaped control console with a cylindrical tube inset in the centre with machinery visible inside. Various antiques decorate the place. A monitor is set into the upper wall. A shocked SUSAN walks from behind the console. The OLD MAN and IAN walk inside behind BARBARA.) OLD MAN: Close the doors, Susan. (SUSAN activates a switch on the console, and the large double doors behind the group close with an electronic hum.) OLD MAN: (To SUSAN.) I believe these people are known to you. SUSAN: They're two of my schoolteachers! What are you doing here? BARBARA: (Looking around in wonder.) Where are we? OLD MAN: They must have followed you. That ridiculous school - I knew something like this would happen if we stayed in one place too long. SUSAN: But why should they follow me. BARBARA: Is this really where you live, Susan? SUSAN: Yes. OLD MAN: And what's wrong with it? IAN: But it was just a telephone box... OLD MAN: Perhaps. BARBARA: And this is your grandfather...? SUSAN: Yes. BARBARA: (To the OLD MAN - the DOCTOR that she spoke of earlier with IAN.) Well, why didn't you tell us that? DOCTOR: I don't discuss my private life with strangers. IAN: But it was a police telephone box. I walked all round it! Barbara, you saw me! (The DOCTOR crosses to an antique ormolu clock on a nearby stand.) DOCTOR: You don't deserve any explanations. You pushed your way in here, uninvited and unwelcome. BARBARA: I think we ought to leave... IAN: (To Barbara.) No, just a minute. (He crosses to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: (To himself as he examines the clock.) Dear, dear, dear, this is very.... IAN: I know this is absurd, but I feel...I walked all around it! (The DOCTOR'S attention is still occupied by the clock.) DOCTOR: It's stopped again, you know, and I've tried... (He takes notice of IAN.) Hmm? Oh, you wouldn't understand at all. (He walks back to the console. IAN follows him.) IAN: But I want to understand! DOCTOR: (Uninterested.) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. (The DOCTOR sheds his cloak and scarf over an old chair, keeping his hat on.) DOCTOR: Oh by the way Susan, I've managed to find a replacement for that faulty filament. Bit of an amateur job, but I, er, I think it'll serve. (The DOCTOR takes an electronic object out of his pocket and walks to the console. He starts to insert the object into the console, effecting repairs.) IAN: It's an illusion. It must be... DOCTOR: What is he talking about now? SUSAN: What are you doing here? DOCTOR: (Coughing quietly for attention.) You don't understand, so you find excuses. Illusions, indeed? You say you can't fit an enormous building into one of your smaller sitting rooms? IAN: No. DOCTOR: But you've discovered television, haven't you? IAN: Yes... DOCTOR: Then by showing an enormous building on your television screen, you can do what seemed impossible, couldn't you? IAN: Well...yes, but I still don't know... DOCTOR: It's not quite clear, is it? I can see by your face that you're not certain. You don't understand. (He laughs.) and I knew you wouldn't! Never mind. (He turns back to the console.) Now then, which switch was it...? No, no, no...Ah yes, that is it! (He flips the switch.) The point is not whether you understand... (He turns back to IAN.) What is going to happen to you, hmm? (To SUSAN.) They'll tell everybody about the ship now. IAN: The ship...? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, ship! This doesn't roll along on wheels, you know. BARBARA: You mean...it moves? SUSAN: The TARDIS can go anywhere. BARBARA: TARDIS? I don't understand you, Susan. SUSAN: Well, I made up the name TARDIS from the initials. Time And Relative Dimension In Space. I'd thought you both would understand when you saw the different dimensions inside from those outside. IAN: Let me get this straight. A thing that looks like a police box, standing in a junkyard...it can move anywhere in time and space!? SUSAN: Yes! DOCTOR: Quite so. IAN: But that's ridiculous! SUSAN: (Exasperated, to the DOCTOR.) Why won't they believe us? BARBARA: Well, how can we? DOCTOR: (He puts his hands on SUSAN'S shoulders.) Now, now, don't get exasperated, Susan. Remember the Red Indian. When he saw the first steam train, his savage mind thought it an illusion too. IAN: (Stung at the comparison.) You're treating us like children! DOCTOR: Am I? The children of my civilisation would be insulted. IAN: Your civilisation? DOCTOR: Yes, my civilisation. I tolerate this century, but I don't enjoy it. Have you ever thought about what it's like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension? Have you? To be exiles? (He motions to himself and SUSAN.) Susan and I are cut off from our own planet, without friends or protection. But one day... (He gazes into the distance, his arm around SUSAN.) ...we shall get back. Yes, one day...one day... SUSAN: (A little distraught as she faces the teachers.) It's true. Every word of it's true. You don't know what you've done coming here... (She turns to the DOCTOR.) Grandfather, let them go now, please! Look, if they don't understand, they can't...they can't hurt us at all! I understand these people better than you...their minds reject things they don't understand... (The old man's icy look is his answer. The girl's words seize up in her throat.) DOCTOR: No. (He walks to the back of the room.) IAN: He can't keep us here... BARBARA: Susan, listen to me, can't you see that all this is an illusion? It's a game that you and your grandfather are playing, if you like. But you can't expect us to believe it. SUSAN: It's not a game! BARBARA: But, Susan... SUSAN: (Very upset.) It's not! Look, I love your school. I love England in the 20th century. The last five months have been the happiest of my life... BARBARA: But you are one of us. You look like us, you sound like us... SUSAN: (Tightly.) I was born in another time. Another world. IAN: Now look here Susan, you... (He finally gives up and grabs BARBARA'S arm.) Oh come on, Barbara, let's get out of here. (They walk towards the wall, trying to find the doors.) SUSAN: No, you two can't get out. He won't let you go. (A high pitched whining sound echoes through the room. At the console, the DOCTOR is laughing.) IAN: (Points at the console.) He closed the doors from over there. (He moves toward it.) I saw it... (He looks over the console.) Now which is it...? Which is it? (To the DOCTOR.) Which control operates the door? DOCTOR: You still think it's all an illusion... IAN: (Hotly.) I know free movement in time and space is a scientific dream I don't expect to find solved in a junkyard! DOCTOR: Oh, your arrogance is nearly as great as your ignorance! (He laughs.) IAN: Will you open the door? Open the door! (The DOCTOR laughs.) Susan, will you help us? SUSAN: I mustn't! I mustn't! IAN: (He sighs and faces the console.) Very well then. I'll have to risk it myself. DOCTOR: (With suspicious acceptance.) I can't stop you... (The old man's hand brushes a switch just as IAN'S comes down on a button...) SUSAN: Oh, don't touch it! It's live! (The shock flings IAN to the floor.) BARBARA: Ian! (She helps him up and shouts at the DOCTOR.) What on earth do you think you're doing? SUSAN: Grandfather, let them go now! Please! DOCTOR: And by tomorrow we shall be a public spectacle. A subject for news and idle gossip. (He resolutely turns to the console. SUSAN moves to stop him.) SUSAN: But they won't say anything... DOCTOR: (He claps hands on the girl's shoulders.) My dear child, of course they will. Put yourself in their place. They're bound to make some sort of a complaint to the authorities - or at the very least talk to their friends. (He wags his finger at her.) If I do let them go, Susan, you realise of course we must go too. SUSAN: No. Grandfather, we've had all this out b... DOCTOR: (Firmly.) There's no alternative, child. SUSAN: I want to stay! Look, they're both kind people. Why won't you trust them? All you've got to do is ask them to promise to keep our secret and... DOCTOR: It's out of the question. SUSAN: I won't go, Grandfather. I won't leave the 20th century...I'd rather leave the TARDIS and you! DOCTOR: Now you're being sentimental and childish. SUSAN: No, I mean it. (The DOCTOR looks at her and the teachers and seems to reach a decision.) DOCTOR: Very well. Then you must go with them. I'll open the door. (He turns to the console.) BARBARA: Are you coming, Susan? (The DOCTOR starts to activate switch after switch on the console.) SUSAN: Oh no grandfather, no! (She grabs at him, trying to pull him away.) DOCTOR: Let me go! SUSAN: No! (He keeps activating controls despite SUSAN'S best efforts. The room starts to shake as the lighting within pulses. Instruments and dials on the console burst into life.) DOCTOR: Get back to the ship's side! Hold it... (The shaking worsens, and the teachers are flung across the room, BARBARA into a chair and IAN onto the floor - a raucous grinding engine sound rises and falls through the room, the cylindrical column begins to rise and fall. And on the monitor, an overhead view of London is shown, that shrinks, fades...and is replaced by a blinding vortex of light and energy...) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. DESERT (A barren wasteland of rock. There is very little vegetation. There is a howling wind. Almost, but not quite, a desert.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The wasteland fills the monitor screen. The old man does not seem to see it. He seems shocked by what has taken place. IAN and BARBARA remain unconscious nearby.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. DESERT (Outside, a new element has entered the rocky wastes - the odd image of the police box, it's lantern still flashing, standing ungainly on the uneven ground. Part of the wasteland is suddenly obscured by a shadow - what looks like the shadow of a humanoid...)

Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton, two humble teachers during 1963, are surprised by a bright student named Susan Foreman. Feeling inquisitive of her upbringing, they seek out her residence to learn who nurtured such a genius. There, they discover a junkyard inhabited by her grandfather, simply known as "the Doctor", and he doesn't want them lurking about. When the teachers refuse to leave, they discover that an ordinary police box is actually bigger on the inside. The Doctor decides they know too much about his and Susan's otherworldly origins and takes them on a journey across space and time in his TARDIS, the place he and Susan now call home.

fd_Alias_01x04

fd_Alias_01x04_0

(Continuing from last week. Sydney and Ana kneel in front of the case, staring at its contents. It starts to beep. Acid starts bubbling up through two tubes at either side of a piece of paper which is centered inside. It has binary digits written on it -- 0s and 1s. Ana and Sydney start memorizing it, saying out loud. The acid starts covering the piece of paper. The sheet disintegrates. They stand.) SYDNEY: Did you get it? ANA: Did you? (They take off, running in opposite directions.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I'm ending transmission! (Inside the SD-6 van, an agent sits with Dixon.) AGENT: She turned off her mic, I've lost her signal. (Sydney runs through the alley of the field.) SYDNEY: 0-0-1-0. Did you get that? (Vaughn is still in L.A.) VAUGHN: Got it. SYDNEY: I'm giving SD-6 the wrong number! VAUGHN: What? No, no, no, no, you give them exactly what-- SYDNEY: I'm not giving them the right sequence! There is no way, forget it! VAUGHN: Sydney, listen to me! This is critical! Sydney, you give them the number. That's an order. SYDNEY: An order? VAUGHN: Yes. SYDNEY: We have to have a long talk when I get back to Los Angeles! (Sydney runs up to the SD-6 van and crawls in.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I've got the code! 0-1-0-0-0-1-1-0-0-- (In the K-Directorate van, Ana tells the code to her agents.) ANA: Null, adin, null, adin-- (Sydney and the agents in the van, Dixon takes it down.) SYDNEY: 1-0-0-0-1-1-0-0-1-1-1. Just two ones. Then-- (In the K-Directorate van.) ANA: Null, adin, null, adin, null, null, adin, null-- (SD-6 van.) SYDNEY: 1-1-0-1. That's it. 1-1-0-1. DIXON: You did good. (In Los Angeles, inside a yellow parked van. Sydney, Vaughn and Weiss.) SYDNEY: You do NOT give me orders! VAUGHN: Maybe I do-- SYDNEY: I could have easily misled SD-6-- VAUGHN: You're not thinking this through! SYDNEY: ...That's what I'm here for! VAUGHN: Just stop talking for a second! If you'd given SD-6 a bogus code, what would have happened when Ana gave K-Directorate the correct sequence? SYDNEY: Who cares? They would have thought I made a mistake! VAUGHN: Oh, and what, that Ana didn't? She would've given them the correct code, they would have seen the code indicate at Athens, K-Directorate would head there, SD-6 would have nothing. They would suspect you. Sydney, we have to be very careful here. We have to be wildly, crazy careful. If SD-6 suspects you in the least, it's over. SYDNEY: Ana's been the enemy for three years. In Berlin I realized she wants SD-6 to burn almost as much as I do. VAUGHN: As far as the C.I.A.'s concerned, the only thing worse than SD-6 getting its hands on critical information is if K-Directorate gets it first. Ana is still your enemy. (Credit Dauphine. Sloane and Russett walk together.) SLOANE: You're not into mysticism, are you? RUSSETT: Mysticism. SLOANE: Neither am I. But keep an open mind, it'll help. The code was written in 1489. The guy who wrote it was some sort of Nostradamus. His name was Milo Rambaldi. RUSSETT: This binary was witten by a fifteenth century fortuneteller. How come I've never heard of him? SLOANE: His designs were so advanced, they just assumed he was insane. On some of his drawings, he made lists of part numbers. I.D. numbers of actual technology not manufactured until now. This year. It's real, it's a hunt. This man spent the last ten years of his life working on one project. We don't know whether it's a weapon, a fuel source, a transportation system. Based on the little we do know, its technology is beyond anything we have ever seen. How's your wife? I forgot to ask. RUSSETT: Uh, good. Yours? SLOANE: Actually, Emily's a bit under the weather. Thanks for asking. Come on. (They enter the board room where Marshall and Sydney sit.) SLOANE: Did you read the report? SYDNEY: They found nothing. SLOANE: This is Anthony Russett, he's transferring here from Jennings. He's working on the UCO file. You've already met Marshall. This is Sydney Bristow. RUSSETT: I know your father. SLOANE: We read the code you recovered. Accordingly, we sent a team to Athens. So, I just got a phone call from SD-3, he said there was no evidence to anything pertaining to Rambaldi. And we were there first. Turns out, we made a giant mistake. But so did K-Directorate. MARSHALL: In our rush to decipher the Rambaldi enigma, we misinterpreted the code. It left us with two series of digits. We assumed longitude and latitude. But he was using a compression scheme. I should have seen that. Instead of sending a team to Athens, we should have been headed to Malaga, Spain. SLOANE: Which is where you're going. There's a five-hundred-year-old church sitting on the exact site of Rambaldi's coordinates. SYDNEY: What am I looking for? SLOANE: We don't know. The only clue we have, if it is indeed a clue, are two words that were part of a code: Sol d'oro. RUSSETT: Golden sun. (Malaga, Spain. Sydney shines a flashlight in the church, she looks over the pews for the clue. She looks around, turns to see the painted glass window at the back of the church. In the center is a golden sun. Sydney takes a desk and stands on top if it. She touches the golden sun and unscrews its center. The golden circle is the clue. She looks at it in her hands, and jumps down. Ana, from behind her, takes her by the throat and snatches the golden sun away from her.) ANA: I was hoping you'd come. (Sydney kicks Ana and Ana's gun goes sliding down the floor. Sydney punches her, roundhouse kicks. Ana drops the sun. Sydney flips Ana and dives behind a pew while Ana fires her gun at the pews, destroying many of them. Sydney flinches while on the floor, covering her head. She sees the sun lying nearby. Ana slinks closer with her gun in hand. She sees the sun, bends down and gets it. Sydney comes up from behind and hits her on the head with a wooden post with religious markings on it. The gun flies. Ana grabs a long candle stick holder and slaps Sydney in the head with it. Sydney lands on her back on a table. Sydney grabs Ana's hand and holds it above all the candles that are lit. Ana snatches her hand away, yelping in pain. Sydney quickly moves and handcuffs Ana's hand to the table post. She struggles like a caged animal. Sydney takes the sun, and walks out.) (In Sydney's house, Sydney and Francie sit on the sofa eating Chinese food. Sydney holds the matchbook, looking at it.) SYDNEY: You haven't said anything to Charlie? FRANCIE: I needed to talk to you first. SYDNEY: It's just a matchbook with someone's number. FRANCIE: Yeah, someone named Rachel who "truly loved tonight." SYDNEY: You have to ask Charlie about it. FRANCIE: Yeah. SYDNEY: I mean, what else are you going to do? FRANCIE: Have you ever spied on anyone? Okay, I know it's totally beneath me, but Charlie has been so distant lately, and every time I ask him what's wrong, he's like, "Nothing, baby. Everything's cool. It's all fine." SYDNEY: You don't believe him. FRANCIE: He has law review in an hour. SYDNEY: You want to follow hm. FRANCIE: So much, I cannot even tell you. SYDNEY: I think spying on your boyfriend generally sets a bad relationship precedent. FRANCIE: What if he's cheating on me? (Across the street from Francie and Charlie's house, Sydney and Francie sit in Sydney's vehicle. Francie eats some candy.) FRANCIE: You're a really good friend, you know that? SYDNEY: Yes, I do. (smiles) So, this thing happened with Will the other night. FRANCIE: What, did he come on to you? SYDNEY: No, no. I kissed him. FRANCIE: What? You kissed Will Tippin? Are you kidding me? SYDNEY: I know. Stop it. We were in the apartment by ourselves after you and Charlie left and we had all those drinks... FRANCIE: I don't believe it. You must have been really drunk. Hey, there he is. Start the car, start the car. SYDNEY: No, you wait 'til he's a block away. FRANCIE: Look at you getting all into it. SYDNEY: Everyone knows you wait. FRANCIE: I don't know you wait. SYDNEY: You wait. FRANCIE: What's he doing? (A car pulls up beside Charlie, its horn honking. Charlie walks over to the driver's side. A blonde woman gets out, and hugs him. They kiss briefly. Sydney looks at Francie. Charlie puts his duffel bag in the girl's trunk. Francie looks devastated.) FRANCIE: Okay. I guess he's not going to law review. (Will's office. He's on the phone, sitting at his desk. Jenny stands nearby.) WILL: H-E-C-H-T. You're certain? Okay. Thank you. I promise, I won't call again. (hangs up) Danny was supposed to be registered at a medical conference in Singapore. JENNY: You already told me. Litvack wants the baptist church copy. WILL: But I checked all the conferences twice. He's not registered at any of them. JENNY: I know... (His phone rings.) WILL: Will Tippin. (Sydney's at her house, watering plants.) SYDNEY: Hey, it's me. WILL: Hey. Hi. Uh, how'd your trip go? SYDNEY: Okay. How are you? WILL: Good. Uh, uh, busy. Listen, you don't feel weird about what happened, right? SYDNEY: A little. WILL: Me too. What is that? SYDNEY: We'll talk about that later. Listen, Francie and I saw Charlie last night with another woman. WILL: What? You're kidding. SYDNEY: Yeah. She spent the night at my place. She's here now, she's sort of a mess. WILL: Oh, God... SYDNEY: And the bank called. Uh, I might have another trip. WILL: You take an insane amount of trips. SYDNEY: Would you mind dropping by later? Just check on her and make sure she's okay. WILL: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. SYDNEY: Thank you. I should go. WILL: Okay. Go. I'll talk to you later. Bye. (He hangs up. Jenny stands there, watching.) JENNY: That was Sydney. You're different when you talk to Sydney. WILL: Don't analyze me. Go. Can you get me the number of, uh, the guy who works for the airport? What's his name? Luis Scourza? What? JENNY: If you want me to do something for you, you say please. WILL: Please. Scourza, okay? You know, "please" is implicit, Jenny! (Credit Dauphine. Sydney is at her desk, filing something. She sees her dad walking through. She gets up.) SYDNEY: Dad. You have a meeting with Sloane? MR. BRISTOW: McCullough. SYDNEY: Psych evaluation? MR. BRISTOW: Routine. It's nothing I'm not used to, nothing I look forward to, but, uh, such is the nature of the job. SYDNEY: So, Berlin. It worked out. My meeting with K-Directorate. We got the code. That was smart. MR. BRISTOW: Well, I should go. I'll see you later. SYDNEY: Dad... could we have dinner? How about Thursday, do you have plans? MR. BRISTOW: No. Thursday. Dinner. That'll be fine. (Board meeting. Sloane, Russett, Dixon, Sydney, Marshall.) SLOANE: Analysis is working full-time on the piece you brought back from Spain. This is not glass. They know that. It's a synthetic polymer. They believe it was made at least five hundred years ago. DIXON: Before there were synthetic polymers. SLOANE: And so the mystery continues. Meanwhile, we have another situation. This is last year's United Commerce Organization. Administerial conference. A number of groups led planned attacks against the proceedings. Zero defense among them. Word is they're planning to attend the conference this year in Sao Paulo. RUSSETT: Luc Jacqnoud should be landing in Morocco within the next forty-eight hours. SYDNEY: I thought he was in Le Sante for stabbing a police officer. RUSSETT: Released twenty-six months early. He's obviously got ties to French justice. Intel reports he'll be in Morocco to meet a client. DIXON: I.D. on the client? SLOANE: None. That's your job. You're Kate Jones, and Justin Bernell. You're traveling with Mindspring Learning Tours. You arrive on Wednesday. Your objective is to monitor the meeting, I.D. the client, and make sure whatever Jacqnoud is up to, doesn't happen. SYDNEY: Is Mochtar the contact? SLOANE: He's meeting you at the airport. (to Russett) This is an Egyptian commando. We recruited him two years ago. Marshall. MARSHALL: (standing) Okay. Ahem. How is, uh, everyone? Hi, or -- right. Okay. You're going in with the usual tech -- camera, comm gear, and sat relay, but this-this is new. (holds up a purse) Now, this looks just like a normal purse that you would wear out with going out with your lady friends. Put your feminine things in there, but, a parabolic microphone. (points to center of the design) Has a laser transmitter that works in a three hundred yard radius, and oh, and I also added a low frequency tantalum wind filter that will eliminate any unwanted sounds below a hundred and fifty hertz. Not that you're going to be in any wind. I mean, you're probably not going to be in any wind, but let's say that you were in some wind, you know, like a light breeze, like a (whistles). Or even a strong wind, like, a gust, like a (blowing air). This? Nothing. Silent. Wind filter. (sits) (Inside psych evaluation room. Mr. Bristow has pads over his face for monitoring purposes. Machines beep around him. McCullough sits nearby.) MCCULLOUGH: You feel light, thin air, and as you continue moving downward, you feel more and more relaxed. The escalator continues down and the closer you get to the light, the more relaxed you feel. (We see inside Jack's mind. An escalator.) MCCULLOUGH: (voice over) The escalator seems to continue forever, and you feel safe and relaxed. (White light. In Jack's mind, we're transported to a baby's room. A crib sits in the corner with a stuffed teddy bear.) MCCULLOUGH: (V.O.) Still listening to my voice, you keep going and the farther you go, the more comfortable you feel. (A woman is holding a baby gently in her arms. We're assuming it's Jack's wife, Sydney's mom. Suddenly, the woman turns and it's... Sydney. Holding the baby.) SYDNEY: It's only a matter of time before I find out the truth. (In the evaluation room, Mr. Bristow snaps to attention, looking terrified.) MCCULLOUGH: Jack? MR. BRISTOW: Just give me a minute, will you? (He pulls the pads off his face and exits. Outside the room, he desperately tries to control himself. He calmly buttons his jacket.) (Car wash. Sydney is inside the waiting area while her car gets a washing. Vaughn approaches, looking disheveled. Well, more than usual.) VAUGHN: Sorry I'm late. SYDNEY: That's all right. You okay? VAUGHN: Yeah. Turns out we knew Jacqnoud was traveling, but we thought he was going to Bahrain. But what we don't know is why SD-6 is so interested in the U.C.O. SYDNEY: You sure you're okay? VAUGHN: Yeah. I just, uh-- SYDNEY: Did you have a fight with your wife? VAUGHN: My what? SYDNEY: Your wife. VAUGHN: What wife? I have no wife. SYDNEY: No, there was a picture in your office. You and that woman. I thought you were married. VAUGHN: No. She and I are not remotely m-- You thought I was married this whole time? SYDNEY: I guess so. What's the big deal? VAUGHN: Nothing. So when you get an idea on who he's meeting and/or details of that meeting, just call the usual number. Hit the eight key. We'll dead-drop in the trash can. Why did you ask me if I had a fight with my girlfriend? SYDNEY: I don't know. Did you? VAUGHN: Huge. Good luck in Morocco. SYDNEY: Thanks. (He leaves, looking more stressed than before.) (Morocco. At the airport, Sydney and Dixon walk to the curb. They see a man, Mochtar, who waves to them. They approach.) MOCHTAR: Look at you! SYDNEY: It's been a while! (She kisses him on both cheeks.) MOCHTAR: Ah, hello! DIXON: How have you been? MOCHTAR: Lately, too busy. Too many people with dangerous toys. SYDNEY: Any news on Jacqnoud? M0CHTAR: Yes. A friend tells me he's meeting a client today in the local marketplace. I've got a good spot for us. DIXON: Any word on the client? MOCHTAR: Big mystery. We still don't know. Come, I'm parked right over there. (Sydney's house. Francie talks on the phone to Sydney.) FRANCIE: Charlie has called my cell phone six times. SYDNEY: You still haven't seen him? FRANCIE: No. I want him to suffer. I'm not even going to tell him where I am. How is Chicago, did you get there okay? (Cut to Sydney, in Morocco, putting on her disguise.) SYDNEY: Yeah. Chicago's fine. Look, let me just sy one thing, just so someone's saying it. There might be an explanation. FRANCIE: He got into a car with a woman I have never met. SYDNEY: Just talk to him. Tell Charlie what you saw. You owe him that. FRANCIE: Maybe after he calls me a few more times. SYDNEY: Call me if you need me, okay? Love you. FRANCIE: Love you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Sydney, complete in her disguise, goes out to the balcony to see Mochtar and Dixon setting up video cameras and cameras for the op.) SYDNEY: How's the view? (takes purse) You want to give this a test run? Can you hear me? DIXON: Loud and clear. MOCHTAR: Jacqnoud just walked in. DIXON: Who's he with? M0CHTAR: Uh, looks like he's solo. DIXON: (to Sydney) You're ready. SYDNEY: I'm going shoppin'! DIXON: Bring us back something, would you? SYDNEY: That's the plan! (She leaves and walks down to the market, looking around. She gets closer. Jacqnoud sits alone.) SYDNEY: Are you picking this up? DIXON: Yeah. The mic's hot. SYDNEY: He's still alone. (A man tries to sell her something.) SYDNEY: No, no, no, I don't understand. Don't understand. Sorry. (Jacqnoud greets a man at his table.) SYDNEY: The meet just got here. (In the balcony, Mochtar and Dixon looks. Dixon takes pictures.) DIXON: Got him! Mochtar, you know this guy? MOCHTAR: No, but I'm going to try and get an I.D. right now. (Mochtar runs to another set up around the hallway. The laptop connects, scanning the picture for identification of the man meeting with Jacqnoud.) (Downstairs, the men meet.) SUARI: Nice to finally meet you in person. Everything worked getting here? JACQNOUD: Yes, thank you. Merci beaucoup. SUARI: So, how are we doing? JACQNOUD: You mean phase three? SUARI: What were the results? JACQNOUD: You will be very happy. If Patel's going to be our delivery man, I'll need the piece by tomorrow. SUARI: As long as the financial arrangements can be made, that shouldn't be a problem. JACQNOUD: Bon. Salut. (The bodyguard stares at Sydney. She looks away.) SYDNEY: Dammit! The litle guy's bodyguard. I know him. DIXON: What? SYDNEY: From Corisca, two years ago. The son of a bitch broke my arm. (She starts walking away. The bodyguard looks up, and sees the camera lens in the balcony.) DIXON: Mochtar, pack up! We've got to get out of here! (The bodyguard sees shadows scurrying along up on the balcony.) SYDNEY: (walking) We have somebody. (Sydney tries to leave.) DIXON: Syd, get out of there! (The bodyguard stops her.) BODYGUARD: You. I know you. SYDNEY: I'm sorry. You're talking to me? BODYGUARD: I think you remember me, too. (He throws her in a small part of the market, she falls to the ground behind the curtain. He advances.) SYDNEY: I'm sorry. I don't know who you are. BODYGUARD: Tell me why you're here, or this time I do more than just break you arm. (Sydney kicks a table in the air, catches it, throws it at him, smashes his head in twice. He pushes her up against the wall, she flips off of it. Kicks him in the back. Hits him with an empty pot three times. He falls. The curtain opens, and an elderly couple -- tourists -- walk in, shocked.) SYDNEY: He wanted to charge me fifty dollars. That's too much. (Upstairs, Dixon frantically packs up. Gunshots are heard. Dixon freezes. Sydney runs up the stairs.) SYDNEY: Dixon! Dixon! Dixon, do you copy! (Sydney stops running when she sees Mochtar's lifeless body. She takes off her glasses. Down the hall, punches are being thrown as more bodyguards try beating up Dixon and Sydney. She fights one of the men. Another guy manages to pin Dixon down on a table, but he jumps up, kicking the man.) DIXON: Are you okay? SYDNEY: I'm fine! (Helicopter whirring overhead. Sydney gets some of the gear and stops at Mochtar. Touches his head. When she takes her hand away, she sees his blood on her palm. Dixon stops behind her.) DIXON: We have to go. (Sydney stares at Mochtar, and leaves.) (At Sydney's house, she arrives home from her trip. She puts her bag down.) FRANCIE: Hey. SYDNEY: Hi. FRANCIE: How was your trip? SYDNEY: It was awful. FRANCIE: Syd, I'm sorry. SYDNEY: What's going on with Charlie? FRANCIE: I'm meeting him for coffee. He knows something's up. If he doesn't have an explanation, if he can't exactly explain why he was kissing some whore instead of going to law review, I'm going to kill him. SYDNEY: Don't say that. (Will appears behind them.) WILL: She's on a rampage. She wasn't even going to go out with him, I had to force her to go out with him. (smiles sweetly at Sydney) Hi. SYDNEY: Hi. FRANCIE: Let me ask you something. You think it's going to go all right? SYDNEY: I do. (The girls hug. Only this time, Sydney hugs a little longer, needing that comfort after the day she's had.) FRANCIE: Love you. SYDNEY: Love you. FRANCIE: See you, Will! WILL: Good luck. Let me get that for you. (He gestures to Sydney's luggage. Francie leaves.) SYDNEY: Thanks. WILL: You look exhausted. SYDNEY: Pretty good assessment. (Inside Sydney's bedroom, Will sits down on her bed with the luggage at his feet.) WILL: So, hey, I was thinking about what happened. You know, that, uh, you know, that kiss. Yeah. And, uh, I think I've figured out why it was so weird. SYDNEY: Why? WILL: Well, because, how often do you, you know, do you kiss someone that you're that close to? I mean, never. (He flips the luggage tag that reads "Kate Jones" in his hand as a nervous habit, not realizing the name that's written there.) WILL: Anyway, I, uh, I know that it's awkward between us now, but... (Sydney sits beside him, seeing what he's doing, and takes the luggage from him.) WILL: I think that I've figured out a way for it to not be so awkward anymore. SYDNEY: What? (Will kisses her, holding her face gently. Their eyes slowly open. It's awkward. He pulls away.) WILL: Okay. That didn't work, did it? SYDNEY: I have to go have dinner with my father. WILL: Ooooh, now I feel like an idiot. SYDNEY: No, don't, don't. WILL: (embarrassed) Oh, my God. I have that feeling. Oh, my God. (Restaurant. Sydney sits alone.) WAITER: Would you like to order, ma'am? SYDNEY: I'll wait, thanks. I'm meeting someone. (Sydney looks at her watch.) (Different restaurant. Francie and Charlie.) CHARLIE: (to waiter) Thank you. (sighs) So, you gonna tell me what's up? Do I have to start guessing? FRANCIE: I saw you. CHARLIE: Saw me what? FRANCIE: I saw you outside our house with a woman. CHARLIE: What are you doing watching me? FRANCIE: I don't have to answer that question, you do! What were you doing? CHARLIE: She's a friend. FRANCIE: A friend you went out with instead of going to a law review. Her name's Rachel, right? CHARLIE: (to waiter) No, thanks. (to Francie) You know I trust you. FRANCIE: I give you reason to! I am not going to let you lie to me, Charlie! Now, explain yourself. CHARLIE: Francie, I love you, and I'm not playing around. We're just hanging out, that's all. FRANCIE: All right. Hang out. Hang out with Rachel. (She leaves.) (Sydney waits at the restaurant. Looks around. Looks at the menu, puts it down. Still waiting. She's getting more worried. She looks at her watch. Her cell phone rings.) SYDNEY: Hello? MR. BRISTOW: Sydney. Sorry to call so late. SYDNEY: No, it's all right. MR. BRISTOW: Uh, look, uh, I won't be able to make dinner. Work is, uh, just, um, I can't get away. You understand. SYDNEY: Of course. Don't worry about it. (We see that Mr. Bristow is actually in his car, at the restaurant, watching Sydney.) SYDNEY: I'll just see you at... I'll just see you. MR. BRISTOW: Okay. Bye. (hangs up) (Sydney hangs up, choking down tears. She covers her mouth. She then picks up her phone, and dials.) (Pier, night. Sydney and Vaughn.) SYDNEY: (sobbing) I'm sorry to call you, I just didn't know who else to call. My father and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. The first time since I was a kid. I can't even remember the last time. (sobs) He just didn't show. He said he had work. He didn't have work. This isn't just about my dad. When I was in Morocco, the man who died... he was a friend of mine. He was a good man, who thought he was fighting for the right side, that he was working for the C.I.A.! He was lied to, and now he's dead. I had his blood on my hands! VAUGHN: Sydney... SYDNEY: I feel like I'm losing my mind! Like I don't even know who I am anymore, or what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it! (Her pager suddenly beeps. Sydney grabs it, and throws it in the water below them. It splashes.) VAUGHN: You just threw your beeper in the Pacific. SYDNEY: (laughs through tears) I know... VAUGHN: Okay, listen to me. There's something you need to know. When you first walked into my office with that stupid Bozo hair, I thought you were crazy. I thought you might actually be a crazy person. But I watched you, and I read your statement, and I've seen... I've seen how you think, I've seen how you work, I've seen how you are in this job. In this job, you see darkness. You see the worst in people and though the jobs are different and the missions change, and the enemies have a thousand names, the one crucial thing, the one real responsibility you have is to not let your rage, and your resentment, and your disgust, darken you. When you're at your absolute lowest, at your most depressed, just remember that you can always... you know. You got my number. (A few seconds pass. Sydney grabs Vaughn's hand, and holds on tight.) (Credit Dauphine, the next day.) SLOANE: I put the recording you made through voice print. The man that Jacqnoud is meeting with is Malik Suari. He specializes in industrial demolition. This is his latest innovation. It's called the Blu-250. Commissioned by a Swiss corporation to blow out mountain ranges for the production of high speed trains. There's a third piece. You will be very happy. (They play the recording Sydney took.) SLOANE: Now, of course, the man they're referring to is Dhiren Patel. DIXON: You think the winner of the Edgar Peace Prize is working with Luc Jacqnoud? SLOANE: Dhiren Patel is India's delegate to the U.N., he's a former president of the southern hemisphere. Human rights commission. There's no way in the world he's working with Jacqnoud. SYDNEY: So, then, what's the connection? SLOANE: Irony. Jacqnoud is using Mr. Patel without his knowledge to send a message to the U.C.O. DIXON: Which is what? SLOANE: To abolish the organization. We've traced at least a half a dozen threats to Jacqnoud. This has it that this last act will be his most violent. SYDNEY: You think Jacqnoud is going to plant an explosive on Patel? SLOANE: Yes, I do. And I want you two to stop it. That's why you're leaving for Sao Paulo tonight. The job is to find Patel, recover the weapon, and safeguard the U.C.O. Any questions? (Sao Paulo. At a party, Dixon looks around, wearing a tux.) DIXON: Any luck? (Pan over to Sydney, dressed in disguise.) SYDNEY: I don't see Patel anywhere. (At Will's office, he's on the phone. Jenny stands nearby.) WILL: Oh, and that's unusual, buying an international flight with cash. Uh-huh. But he was traveling alone, right? Excuse me? Daniel Hecht was not traveling alone? (Sydney mingles, looks around. Patel enters.) SYDNEY: I have a twenty on Patel. DIXON: Let's get him out of here. (Patel wipes sweat from his head, motions to his bodyguards that he's suddenly ill.) SYDNEY: Wait. Something's wrong. He looks sick. DIXON: Sick? (Patel collapses.) SYDNEY: He just went down. DIXON: Does he have a drink? SYDNEY: Yes. DIXON: Get the glass. (Sydney walks over to where Patel has collapsed. Some people surround him, checking if he's okay. She crouches down near Patel's fallen hand, where he's holding his drink.) SYDNEY: Is he okay? Did somebody call a doctor? (She takes the glass, stands, and drops it into Dixon's hand, who walks by.) MAN: Excuse me, I'm a doctor. Can I help? (The man kneels down. Suari stands in the background, takes a drink, watching with interest.) SYDNEY: Guess who's here? (Dixon exits the party, and goes into the stairwell, still holding Patel's drink.) DIXON: Suari. (He puts something in the drink, shakes the glass a little.) DIXON: I'm telling you, if they're bombing this place, it's going to be tomorrow. Opening ceremonies. (Dixon holds the glass up to the light. Patel's drink turns blue.) DIXON: They fed Patel some kind of powdered sedative compound. Looks like a designer drug. (Out at the party near the curb, people stand around, watching Patel enter an ambulance.) DIXON: Keep an eye on Suari. (The ambulance drives away. Sydney sees a brand new motorcycle parked.) SYDNEY: I'm following Patel. (Will's office, continuing.) WILL: Just confirm something for me. The person traveling with Daniel Hecht, the name was Sydney Bristow, right? No? Are you sure? Okay, man, you gotta tell me who it was. Just give me the name. Oh, come on, what about you owe me one? All right. Hey, you remember my assistant Jenny? No, no, no, no, the other one. JENNY: What are you doing? What are you doing? WILL: Yes, yes, yes. You give me the name, and she'll go out with you. JENNY: No, she won't! WILL: Yeah, she's psyched to go out with you, man. (Will presses a button on the phone and gives the receiver to Jenny.) JENNY: I'm not going to talk to him! WILL: (whispering) You don't ahve to go out with him, just say that you are. Please? JENNY: Fine! (picks it up) Hi. Yeah. Okay. I'd love to go out with you. Uh-huh. (She gives Will a dirty look and hangs up. He takes over on his headset.) WILL: Okay, so, give me the name of the person who was traveling with Daniel Hecht. Yeah, I know. (Will types "Kate Jones" on his computer, frowning.) WILL: Kate Jones. Kate Jones. (He types "Kate Jones?".) (In Sao Paulo, the ambulance races down the street. Sydney rides behind it with the motorcycle she eyed. The ambulance pulls up to a building, enters a gate. She comes up behind. The ambulance enters the building. She stops and takes off her helmet, wtaching. She spots a way to get into the building. Inside, the ambulance driver takes off his tuxedo coat. Talks to Suari. They're getting Patel out of the ambulance. To the side, is a marked off area with hospital gear set out.) AMBULANCE DRIVER: There was any problems? SUARI: No problem. He's ready to go. (Sydney runs and climbs up a stairwell outside. Inside, a few doctors gather around Patel.) DOCTOR: Scalpel. (Patel lays, unconscious. Sydney breaks a cage outside and climbs inside. At the operation, a doctor makes an incision on Patel's chest. Someone else wipes the blood away. Sydney, climbing above where the operation is taking place, moves through an entryway and gasps as her legs dangle below through a giant hole in the walkway. She pulls herself up, grunting. On her hands and knees, she looks down. Coming up to another hole in the ceiling above where the doctors are currently cutting Patel open, she gets a better look with a small telescope that is about the size of a pencil. She seees Suari below, observing the operation. And Jacqnoud. She gets a better look. She sees Patel's face. They're making the incision deeper. One of the doctors holdds a small metal casing that is formed into a half moon.) SUARI: Uh, careful with that. That's the equivalent to three hundred pounds of TNT. JACQNOUD: Yes. Don't kill him. (Sydney watches in horror as the doctors put the bomb inside Patel's chest.)

Sydney and Dixon go on a dangerous case in Morocco involving the safety of the United Commerce Organization and an agent friend of Sydney's dies of a gunshot. In the meantime, Francie (a close friend of Sydney's who shares her apartment) confronts Charlie, her boyfriend, about a secret date with another woman. The circle of Sydney's friends, consisting of Francie, Charlie and Will, begins to suffer from her little white lies about her job in a bank and the many sudden trips she has to make. Will continues his investigation to find the truth about the murder of Daniel Hecht and unravels more of the mystery. Coming back from Morocco, Sydney tries to get to know her father better by inviting him to dinner. However, he doesn't dare turn up, which makes her miserable.

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1.11 - Paris is Burning (Lorelai and Rory are walking down the street) RORY: L? LORELAI: L-laryngitis. M? RORY: Mumps. N? LORELAI: Narcolepsy! O? RORY: Are we going to have to go through this every time we decide who cleans out the refrigerator? LORELAI: Do you want to go back to thumb wrestling? RORY: Osteoporosis. P? LORELAI: (gasps) Puppies! (runs across the street) RORY: That's not a disease. Oh boy. (runs after her) LORELAI: (to all the puppies) Hi! Oh hi! Hi! Oohh! Rory look at the baby! (in front of one) RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Aw, Buttercup was found cold and wet hovering under a hydrangea bush along highway 26. It's a sad highway. RORY: As compare to all the other happy highways she could've been abandoned by. LORELAI: Her lineage includes cocker spaniel, golden retriever, bouvier des flandres - RORY: Gesundheith LORELAI: Thank you - and rottweiler. RORY: Buttercup is a special dog. She's extremely skiddish and tends to react badly towards blonde haired females, brunette males, children of either s*x, other animals, red clothing, cabbage or anyone in a uniform. (Luke walks up to them) LORELAI: (to Luke) Hey, we just found the doggy version of you. MAN: Can I help you? LUKE: Do not let these two anywhere near a dog. They can barely feed themselves. LORELAI: Shut up you! We'd be excellent pet owners, thank you. RORY: You cannot be serious. LORELAI: We could get him a pretty bowl... RORY: It's a her. LORELAI: ...and a new name... RORY: Mom. LORELAI: ..cause this 'Buttercup' thing really has got to go. RORY: Do I need to remind you of Skippy? LUKE: Skippy? LORELAI: I can't believe you would bring up Skippy. RORY: Skippy was our hamster. LORELAI: He doesn't care. LUKE: What happened to Skippy? LORELAI: Nothing happened to Skippy. RORY: Every time mom would put her hand in his cage, he'd bit her. LORELAI: And laugh. LUKE: Hamster's can't laugh. LORELAI: Oh this one laughed - trust me. RORY: So finally she got fed up. LUKE: Of being laughed at by a hamster? LORELAI: Well yeah. RORY: So she stopped cleaning it's cage. Instead everyday she would stuff some Kleenex in there. LUKE: You didn't? LORELAI: It was the quilted kind (with a small smile) RORY: So this keeps going on and the cage is just a cage full of Kleenex that moves a little, and the smell? Really good. LUKE: I can imagine. LORELAI: Oh no you can't RORY: So then she takes the cage to the place where we bought him, waits for the sales guy to go behind the desk and dumps it on the counter then bolts. LUKE: You abandoned your hamster. LORELAI: Look, I know it was bad, but this was a vicious hamster. This was like a Damien hamster with little beady eyes and a big forked tail and...a cape with a...hood...and bye bye Buttercup. Bye Luke. RORY: You did the right thing. (both walking away from the puppies with arms around each other) LORELAI: Oh (in a whiny tone). I want a pet. RORY: You have me. LORELAI: You won't bring me my slippers in the morning. RORY: I might if you had slippers. LORELAI: Will you wear a collar? RORY: No. LORELAI: It'll be pink! RORY: You're sick. LORELAI: Hey watch how you talk to me. Remember what happened to Skippy. (Cut to Max Medina's apartment. He's cleaning while Lorelai sits on the counter eating out of a pot.) LORELAI: Mmm...God this is good! MAX: OK. Correct me if I'm wrong. LORELAI: Salt please. MAX: Twenty minutes ago we were sitting at the dinner table were we not? LORELAI: Yes we were. MAX: There were candles and flowers and plates and knifes and cloth napkins. LORELAI: I love the little sombrero napkin holders, very ole. MAX: And the whole time we were at said dinner table, you ate two maybe three bites of this amazing dinner I made for you. LORELAI: Pass the bread. MAX: And yet, as soon as that dinner's over and I start cleaning up, suddenly that's when you're starving. LORELAI: What can I say - watching someone work makes me hungry. If I hadn't stopped watching "This Old House" I'd be 500 lbs right now. MAX: Hmm. LORELAI: What are you doing? MAX: Passing these to you? LORELAI: In the dish please. Ha ha ha. (as Max puts food into pot.) LORELAI: So where did you learn to make osso bucco anyway? MAX: Um, from this very old Italian woman...who used to live upstairs...um, s-she had lost her husband a couple of years before and she kinda looked at me as like a son. LORELAI: Sweet! MAX: She was. LORELAI: So an old girlfriend huh? MAX: Yep. LORELAI: Mm hm. MAX: So would you like some coffee? LORELAI: Yes please. (Walks by Max and their faces come very close together) (Lorelai walks over to his desk) LORELAI: Hey did you read Rory's paper yet? MAX: Not yet. LORELAI: It's really good. MAX: I'm sure it is. LORELAI: Oh and look! It's right on top. MAX: Isn't that a coincidence? LORELAI: (laughs) Wow, there are some really big words in here. I just hope you have a dictionary with you when you read it. MAX: Oh I will. LORELAI: You know I could just save you the time and uh, put an 'A' on it for you. MAX: Well that really wouldn't be fair to the other students who's mothers aren't here tonight would it? LORELAI: Yes you're right. (pause) Although, life isn't fair and the sooner those kids learn that the better. MAX: Well I'll take that advise into account. LORELAI: (giggles). (turns around to look at his books) Wow these are beautiful!. Hm, I never read Proust, I always wanted to. Every now and then, I'm seized with an overwhelming urge to say something like "As Marcel Proust would say.." but of course I have no idea what Marcel Proust would say so I don't even go there. I could do, uh, "As Micheal Crichton would say.." but it's not exactly the same you know. MAX: Well, take it. LORELAI: Oh no! It-it looks so valuable MAX: It's a book. It's meant to be read. LORELAI: You sure? MAX: Take it, read it. LORELAI: Ok, I will. (She takes the book and sits down and starts to read) MAX: (laughing) Not now! LORELAI: What? MAX: I'd rather you didn't read it now. LORELAI: But um, what about (Max kisses her) my required reading (stands up, moving towards the bedroom, between kissing..) But I won't make the cheerleading squad! (kissing) Mr. Medina, is this my extra credit work because Missy just had to take a test!?! (laughing through kisses. Door closes.) (Cut to Lorelai sneaking in with shoes in hand) (Rory's waiting up on the couch) RORY: Where do you think you're going? LORELAI: Hi. RORY: It's one o'clock in the morning. LORELAI: I know but my watch stopped during a terrible car wreck and I had to save kittens and small children and four baby chicks. RORY: Did you have a nice time? LORELAI: Not bad. (smiling) RORY: That's a very big smile for a not bad night. (Lorelai sits on the couch) LORELAI: Yeah well...Hey he loaned me a book. RORY: What book? LORELAI: 'Swann's Way' RORY: Aren't we ambitious. LORELAI: Yes we are. RORY: You know what it means when a man loans you a book don't you? LORELAI: That he's already read it? RORY: Yep. LORELAI: (laughs a little) How was your night? RORY: Homework. LORELAI: How many times did Dean call. RORY: Not that many. LORELAI: How many? RORY: Three (Lorelai looks at her)...Five. LORELAI: (laughs) Not an all time high but very respectable. I'm going to bed. You staying here? RORY: Yeah. I'm comfortable. I've got the pillows in a perfect mushed position. LORELAI: Ok. Night mom. (kissing Rory) RORY: Yeah you just go think about what you've done. LORELAI: (with big smile) I will. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: What? RORY: You look happy. LORELAI: I am kid. RORY: Just checking. (Cut to Chilton - Mr. Medina's class) MAX: "There's a certain slant of light, winter afternoons that oppresses like the heft of cathedral tunes." That, my friends is the first verse of a poem by Emily Dickenson. Now read some of those tonight, and as you do, consider the fact that Emily Dickenson writes convincingly about passion and about the world in spite of the fact that she lived as a virtual recluse. It'll help you appreciate her mind. (bell rings) MADELINE: I could listen to him talk about passion all day. Do you think he's dating anyone? LOUISE: Of course he is. MADELINE: A teacher? LOUISE: Please. MADELINE: Why not? LOUISE: Have you seen teachers? MADELINE: He's a teacher. LOUISE: Male teachers are different. They can still be mysterious. MADELINE: I bet his girlfriend's pretty. LOUISE: I bet she's dumb. MADELINE: Why? LOUISE: Dumb girls crave smart men. It's that whole Marilyn Monroe - Arthur Miller syndrome. MADELINE: I still think she's lucky PARIS: Whoever he's dating is a loser, who doesn't care that he's a teacher in this ridiculous school making a ridiculous teacher's salary. (to Rory) What are you looking at? (walks away) LOUISE: Guess someone read the paper today. MADELINE: I know. Paris' parent's divorce is getting very ugly! LOUISE: Her dad should've just paid her mom everything she wanted and this whole thing would've been over. MADELINE: That's what my dad did. (to Rory) Hi! LOUISE: Hi. RORY: Hey. MADELINE: Is it true Paris' mom had the entire back of her body surgically reconstructed? LOUISE: Well it doesn't match the front now does it? (Cut to Grandma's house) (Dinner time) GRANDMA: How's the squab? RORY: It's good. GRANDMA: Lorelai? LORELAI: It's the best tiny, weird bird I have ever eaten. GRANDMA: I'm glad. LORELAI: Why are you smiling like that? GRANDMA: What are you talking about? LORELAI: You're smiling. GRANDMA: I'm happy. LORELAI: That's not your "I'm happy" smile. GRANDMA: Well what smile is it Loerlai? LORELAI: That's your "I've got something on Lorelai" smile. GRANDMA: Rory your mother must be very tired. RORY: She works a lot. LORELAI: I grew up with that smile - I know that smile. GRANDMA: Tell me about school. RORY: Well, my French final went pretty well. LORELAI: You can change the subject. I know the smile. GRANDMA: Whatever you say dear. LORELAI: I've used it a few times myself. RORY: Mom. GRANDMA: So tell me about parent's day? LORELAI: What? GRANDMA: Parent's day? Next Wednesday? When all the parents are supposed to go to the classes with their children all day long? LORELAI: The Chilton newsletter came out today! RORY: Yup. LORELAI: Right. GRANDMA: You didn't read yours? LORELAI: Not yet. GRANDMA: Ah. LORELAI: But you knew that - GRANDMA: Well - LORELAI: Hence the smile. GRANDMA: Lorelai, you're really being silly. There's no evil plan a foot here. I simply brought up a subject I thought we could all talk about. LORELAI: Oh right. GRANDMA: I'll try another subject - the colour blue is very pleasant isn't it? LORELAI: Mom not everybody can wait outside the mailbox for the Chilton newsletter to arrive and then instantly memorize the contents in three seconds. RORY: I'd like to weigh in on the blue colour subject please. GRANDMA: You have your priorities far be it from me to question them. LORELAI: Just because I don't read the newsletter doesn't mean I don't care about my daughter. GRANDMA: So are you going? LORELAI: To what? GRANDMA: To parent's day! LORELAI: Why don't we talk about it next Friday when I've actually read the newsletter. I guarantee it'll be more fun. GRANDMA: We could except for the fact that parents day is next Wednesday. LORELAI: Wednesday? RORY: Yup. GRANDMA: If we talked about it on Friday then you would've missed it. LORELAI: Wednesday huh? RORY: It's ok mom, you don't have to be there. GRANDMA: I guess we can talk about how you missed it. LORELAI: I'm won't miss it. RORY: Mom it's not a big deal, you're busy. GRANDMA: You know what - I'll go! LORELAI: What? GRANDMA: Why not? You have to work. I, as you have insinuated, have no life, therefore I will go sit with Rory at parent's day. LORELAI: I'm not busy, I'm going. I will be there - that's it. End of story ok? GRANDMA: Fine. LORELAI: Fine. GRANDMA: So did you read on page two about the mother/daughter talent show? (Lorelai chokes on her food) RORY: You ok? (smiling) (Cut to Gilmore house) RORY: Mom I have to go! It's almost 8 o'clock! (Lorelai running around her room getting ready) LORELAI: Wait! Have you seen my orange suede clip thingy? RORY: Top right hand drawer. LORELAI: It's not there. (Rory huffs and goes upstairs to help) RORY: Did you check in your purse? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: Under your scarves? LORELAI: Yes. (at the bedroom door) RORY: In your sock drawer? (Lorelai looks in the sock drawer and finds it.) LORELAI: (gasps) I love you. RORY: I'm gone. LORELAI: Bye (give Rory a kiss) LORELAI: Hey wait! RORY: What? LORELAI: Blue disco sequence bag? RORY: No! LORELAI: Why? RORY: Bad. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Bye! (pause) Wait-wait-wait! RORY: Mom come on! Mr. Medina's going to be here any minute! LORELAI: Ok, just tell me one more thing. Where's the silver dangly bracelet? RORY: I'm wearing it. LORELAI: Why are you wearing it? RORY: Because it's mine. LORELAI: Oh...right...Hey can I borrow your silver dangly bracelet? RORY: I'll leave it on the table for you. LORELAI: Thank you. (Rory heads for the door and the doorbell rings) LORELAI: What was that? RORY: The door bell rang? LORELAI: Why did the door bell ring? RORY: Because someone's at the door. (Lorelai comes down the stairs while Max listens from outside.) LORELAI: It's 8 o'clock. Who shows up at 8 o'clock for an 8 o'clock date? RORY: I don't know, maybe a Chilton teacher? LORELAI: Everybody knows that 8 o'clock means 8:20, 8:15 tops! RORY: Well obviously he was raised in a barn. LORELAI: I tell you, he's cute but this punctuality thing has knocked 10 points off the dream guy quotient. RORY: Mom what do I do? I'm not even supposed to be here. LORELAI: Ok so go! (Rory turns to leave) LORELAI: Oh wa-wa-wait! You have to get the door. RORY: What? LORELAI: Yeah, because I'm not ready. RORY: I'm not supposed to get the door remember, we agreed. I don't get the door when you have a date. LORELAI: I know but... RORY: I'm not even supposed to be here. That's the first rule of the 'Gilmore Dating Handbook'. (as Lorelai fiddle with her skirt zipper). Daughter shall be nowhere near house when said man materializes. It's a good rule, it 's been working. LORELAI: Ok, but he's standing out there and it's cold and my slip is now completely stuck in my skirt zipper and they'll have to bury me like this. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Just this once! (as she runs upstairs) (Rory opens the door) RORY: Hi. MAX: Rory. RORY: Come on in. MAX: Thank you (clears his throat) RORY: Can I get you something, I mean we don't really have anything but if you wanted something and we had it, I'd be happy to get it for you. MAX: I'm fine. RORY: We have water. MAX: That's ok. RORY: It's not bad water actually. I mean it's not a funny colour or anything. MAX: I'm good. Really. RORY: We have bottled water. MAX: No thanks, RORY: One bottle actually. MAX: I-it's quite alright. RORY: We really need to go to the store. MAX: So..should we... RORY: Sit? Right. Yeah let's sit. (They move into living room) MAX: So, uh, what are your plans tonight? RORY: I'm going over to my friend Lane's house. MAX: Sounds good. RORY: And you guys are...? MAX: Dinner, movie - the usual. RORY: Right. (Both look upstairs. Max clears his throat.) MAX: This is a little uncomfortable. RORY: Yes it is. MAX: But the thing is, if things go well, the way I hope they're going, then we might be doing this again. RORY: Sitting uncomfortably? MAX: (laughs) Seeing each other outside of school. RORY: That's ok. I am fine with this whole you and my mom thing. MAX: Well good. I'm glad. RORY: Well, better go. (gets up to leave) MAX: It's good to talk to you Rory. (standing up) RORY: You too Mr. Medina. (She turns to leave) MAX: why don't you call me Max? Just when we're out of school. RORY: (turning back) I don't think I can do that. MAX: Why not? RORY: It just sounds wrong - disrespectful. I mean, you're my teacher Mr. Medina, and if I start to think of you as a 'Max' - even as a part-time 'Max', it just seems lit it would get too confusing. MAX: How 'bout then, we'll come up with non-Chilton names for each other. When we're not in school, I'll call you Rebecca. RORY: Rebecca. MAX: And you'll call me... RORY: Norman? MAX: Norman? RORY: Well... MAX: I look like a Norman to you? RORY: I'm sorry, 'Psycho' was on earlier and it was just the first name that came to mind. I'll think of something else. How about Alfred? MAX: You know what...Norman's fine. RORY: Are you sure? MAX: I'm positive, I love it. I might make a legal change. RORY: Ok. Well I better go. MAX: I hope you and Lane have a good time. RORY: Thanks. Oh, would you give this to my mom for me? MAX: Absolutely. RORY: Thanks. (Rory starts to leave.) RORY: Oh and Norman - have her home by 10. (Max waves her off) (Cut to Luke's) (Rory's sitting at the counter as Sookie and Jackson enter) SOOKIE: I can't believe you won't just sell them to me. JACKSON: And I can't believe you're being so small minded. SOOKIE: My stuffed fried squash blossoms are extremely popular with the customers. JACKSON: Yes I know. SOOKIE: People come from all over and demand the fried stuffed squash blossoms. JACKSON: That's exactly my point! SOOKIE: What'll you have sir? Anything that comes with the stuffed fried squash blossoms. That's what I hear day in and day out. JACKSON: Yes, great, I know, but all I'm asking you is to try stuffing something a little different this time huh? (holds up a zucchini tush) SOOKIE: A zucchini tush? JACKSON: Just a temporary name. SOOKIE: You want me to serve my customers a genetically engineered vegetable that's named after a butt? JACKSON: Hey this is an all natural vegetable hybrid that's perfectly safe, completely delicious, and yes it looks a little odd but you can put in on the map! SOOKIE: I want the blossoms. JACKSON: Fine. You wanna think small, think small. I'm done. (leaves) (Sookie sighs and sits next to Rory) RORY: Jackson invented a new vegetable again? SOOKIE: Yup. RORY: It's too bad that bowling league didn't work out for him. SOOKIE: Yeah. (Lorelai enters with skates over her shoulder) LORELAI: Hey, look I found them. RORY: Where? LORELAI: They were in that drawer with the roasting pans. RORY: Cool. SOOKIE: Oooh skates! LORELAI: Rory and I have a skating date. RORY: I'm Nancy Kerrigan. LORELAI: And I'm Tonya Harding. I'm gonna do the whole shoe lace coming untie - nervous break - let me start again act and everything. LUKE: (laughing) When was the last time you put those things on? LORELAI: Oh, you are constantly trying to ruin my fun. LUKE: Do they even fit anymore? LORELAI: Yes they fit. LUKE: They look rusted. LORELAI: Well...can I just have some coffee please? LUKE: (sighs) Hand them over. LORELAI: Why? LUKE: I'm gonna clean them and tighten the blades. LORELAI: Really!?! LUKE: Yes. LORELAI: Can you make them really shiny? LUKE: The skates please. LORELAI: Maybe add a couple of pompoms. LUKE: Just hand them over. LORELAI: Thank you! SOOKIE: You get really good service here. LORELAI: Yeah I do. (Sookie's pager goes off.) SOOKIE: Gotta go. LORELAI: Anything wrong? SOOKIE: Too much yeast, too little bowl. LORELAI: Enough said. LORELAI: (to Rory) So I think I'm just going to go for it and wear the fur-trimmed skating skirt, pride be damned. RORY: Hey, what if we invite Max to go skating with us? LORELAI: M-max? RORY: Yeah, I thought maybe he'd want to go. LORELAI: When did you start calling him Max? RORY: Well the other night he said that I should probably call him something other than Mr. Medina when we're outside of school. Which makes sense, so I'm getting used to saying 'Max'. LORELAI: W- you don't see him that much outside school. RORY: No, but I probably will since you guys are obsessed with each other. LORELAI: Yeah, well I wouldn't say 'obsessed'. RORY: No. It's ok, I mean of all the guys to have hanging around, he seems like a good choice. I like him. LORELAI: Good, well that's good. RORY: So what do you think about the skating? LORELAI: What? RORY: Mr. Medina - I'm sorry, Max? Do you think he'd wanna go? LORELAI: I don't thin he skates. (to Luke) Thanks. RORY: Well maybe we could all do something else together. LORELAI: Yeah, good. Something else is good. I love something else. (Cut to Gilmore house) (Kettle whistles.) SOOKIE: Ok, tea is ready. How are the feet? LORELAI: I don't know. They stopped talking to me. SOOKIE: What on earth were you thinking? LORELAI: That I could still skate. SOOKIE: It's not like riding a bike you know. LORELAI: Now you tell me. SOOKIE: So, (sitting at table) what are you up to tonight. LORELAI: Well, I'm going to do a little line dancing, then run a 10K, then just jump up and down really hard for about an hour. SOOKIE: No Max? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: Taking a night off? LORELAI: I don't seem him every night Sookie. SOOKIE: He seems like a great guy. LORELAI: He is. SOOKIE: That didn't sound very convincing. LORELAI: No, he is. He is a great guy - for someone. SOOKIE: For someone? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: Someone else? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: Someone else who is not you although you're the person spending every waking hour with him. LORELAI: Right. SOOKIE: Aha. How long have you been dating? LORELAI: Why? SOOKIE: Two months you've been seeing him right? LORELAI: Point Sookie? SOOKIE: Mmm. Just right on schedule that's all. LORELAI: I have no idea what you're talking about. SOOKIE: This is about the time you start doing you little getaway dance. Two months right on the nose - you're good. LORELAI: I do not do a dance. SOOKIE: You're cha-cha-cha-ing right now. LORELAI: I'm not cha-cha-cha-ing. I'm being practical. Rory is starting to get attached to Max and that's not good. SOOKIE: Oh Rory's getting attached to Max? LORELAI: Yes and since I've decided that Max is probably not the guy for me, I think it's better that we break it off before she gets hurt. SOOKIE: Practical LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: Uh, can I say something here? LORELAI: Of course you can. SOOKIE: Cha-cha-cha. LORELAI: Stop that. SOOKIE: (singing) Livin' la vida loca. LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: Shake your bon-bon, shake your bon-bon. LORELAI: Hey, you will not stand there singing Ricky Martin songs to me. This is not a pattern ok? I'm not doing what I always do. This is not the same. SOOKIE: Actually you're right. Usually you don't get so upset and defensive during the cha-cha talk. LORELAI: (painfully) Ah! (as Sookie pours hot water into foot basin) SOOKIE: You must really like this guy. LORELAI: When did you become the relationship expert? You haven't been in a relationship in years. (Sookie looks sad as Lorelai realizes what she said). Wow! Zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds. SOOKIE: That's alright, your feet hurt. LORELAI: No it isn't. It's never ever ok for me to talk to you like that. I'm so so sorry. Please honey. SOOKIE: (sighs) I understand - really. You know it's not like I don't want a relationship. LORELAI: I know. I didn't mean anything by it. SOOKIE: (sighs) It's just - it's hard with my hours. I'm always at the inn, or at the market or at the hospital. LORELAI: Please - forgive me. Do you wanna...sing some more Ricky Martin to me? SOOKIE: No. LORELAI: You can you know - I deserver it. SOOKIE: (quietly) 'She's into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls. (louder) I've got a premonition, that girl's gonna make me fall.' (imitates guitar tunes) (Cut to Chilton) TRISTIN: You know I heard that Paris' dad's actually got a second family in Paris. GUY: Whoa. TRISTIN: Yeah. (Rory rolls her eyes as she walks by.) MAX: Uh, Rory? RORY: Hey Mr. Medina. MAX: I enjoyed your paper on Dickenson. RORY: I had fun writing it. MAX: It showed. RORY: Thanks. MAX: You're welcome (Rory turns to go) Um, Rory? (Rory turns back) RORY: Yeah? MAX: No, that's it. That's all I wanted to say. RORY: My name? MAX: Yes. RORY: Ok. MAX: Actually I just wanted to see if Lore- (looks around) if your mom is coming to parent's day. RORY: Oh well... MAX: Cause I'm just trying to get an accurate number of parents who are coming - you know for the cookie count. (Rory smiles at him) MAX: Forget it. (sighing) RORY: She's coming. MAX: (relieved) I hadn't heard from her for a while about it and - RORY: She'll be here. MAX: Ok, good. Good. RORY: But you should put us down for four. MAX: Four what? RORY: Four cookies. MAX: Ok, good. I will. RORY: Bye. (Max sighs) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Gilmore house) (Lorelai is cleaning out the fridge.) LORELAI: Four slices pepperoni pizza. RORY: From? LORELAI: Tuesday? RORY: Last Tuesday? LORELAI: The Tuesday in the not so distant past. RORY: Toss it. (sits at table) So you remember Paris Geller. LORELAI: Your very best friend in the whole world? RORY: Her parents are getting a major divorce. LORELAI: Really. RORY: Her dad's like this big wig at a huge pharmaceutical company and they're printing all the sordid details about it in the paper. LORELAI: Ooh how sordid? RORY: Well, it's not the Rich James incident, but Hugh Grant should be feeling pretty good about himself. LORELAI: If she was anyone else in the entire universe I might feel bad for her. RORY: Actually I kind of do feel bad for her. LORELAI: That's because you are the nicest kid ever to walk the earth. RORY: The whole school's talking about it. And the weird thing is that the whole dynamics there has changed for me. LORELAI: Really? How so? (gets up to go towards fridge) RORY: Well, Madeline and Louise, Paris' best friends, they said hello to me the other day. (Both munching on cold fries) LORELAI: Really? Like a normal hello? Not like a 'Here's Johnny' kind of hello? RORY: Normal, friendly, no acts. LORELAI: Wow, you're the new 'Heather' RORY: I guess. (Lorelai pulls out another pizza box) LORELAI: Oh, hey, this is the pizza from mystery Tuesday. That one's completely fine (pointing to the one in the garbage bin.) RORY: Don't. LORELAI: It's in the box! RORY: Oscar! LORELAI: Felix! RORY: Forget it! LORELAI: Fine. (Rory goes back to table.) RORY: So how's 'Swann's Way' coming. LORELAI: Oh finished. RORY: You're kidding! It took me forever to read that. I had to renew it 10 times. LORELAI: The first sentence - I finished the first sentence. RORY: Aha. LORELAI: Yeah - it's just - I'm so swamped right now you know, it's the totally wrong time to start reading the longest book known to man. Hey maybe you could give it back to Max for me? RORY: Just bring it with you tomorrow. LORELAI: Tomorrow? RORY: Parent's day? LORELAI: I know (she didn't) I'm just - I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it. RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: Well I have that thing at the inn and I thought I could get away and now I can't. RORY: What thing? LORELAI: The thing - the inn thing? RORY: What inn thing? LORELAI: You know. RORY: No I don't. LORELAI: The thing at the inn with the flags and the little men and the peanuts - the thing. RORY: Little men? LORELAI: Forget it, it's not important - I just don't think I can go. RORY: Ok, fine. LORELAI: So, if you could give this book back to Max tomorrow - that would be great. RORY: Why don't you just give it back to him the next time you see him. LORELAI: Because I'm not sure when that would be and he should have his book. (getting a bit upset) RORY: You see him all the time. LORELAI: Rory, could you just (drops book on table) give it back to him ok? RORY: Are you breaking up with him? LORELAI: What are you talking about? RORY: Well he hasn't heard from you and now you're asking me to give him the book back. LORELAI: How do you know he hasn't heard from me? RORY: He wanted to know if you were going to Parent's day and then he mentioned that you guys hadn't talked lately. LORELAI: He shouldn't be asking you about me. RORY: Why are you breaking up with him? LORELAI: Because it's not working out. RORY: But you seemed so happy. LORELAI: It's not right - that's all. RORY: So that's why you're not going tomorrow? LORELAI: No, I'm not going tomorrow because of the thing at the inn. RORY: That's crap and you know it (upset) LORELAI: Hey - RORY: There is no thing at the inn, you're avoiding Mr. Medina and you're trying to lie to me and you promised you would go and - hey, do whatever you want. I don't care, just leave me out of it. And give him the book back yourself. (Rory goes to her room and slams the door.) LORELAI: Fine I will. (takes the pizza out of garbage.) (Cut to Chilton) LORELAI: Hey, not so fast. RORY: The bell's gonna ring. LORELAI: Before you go one more step - tell me you like me? RORY: You bug me. LORELAI: I'll take that as a yes. And I want you to know that I will deal with my issues with Max myself. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Really. RORY: I believe you. LORELAI: So where are we going? RORY: To my locker to drop off some of this stuff. LORELAI: Great, let's do it. (see Paris and her mother by Paris' locker arguing) PARIS: You can't just leave now. MOM: Paris please. PARIS: At least come to my lit class. MOM: This place is giving me a headache. PARIS: Mom. MOM: Is your face breaking out? PARIS: No. MOM: You have not being using that cleanser have you? Now Dr. Yanalari prescribed that cleanser for a reason - to cleanse. PARIS: Just lit class. MOM: Paris with everything I have going on right now the last thing I need to do is face a bunch of bored people who are gossiping about me. I'll see you later at home. Use that cover stick I got you. (Paris sighs) LORELAI: I bet I'm looking pretty good to you right now. RORY: Yes you are. LORELAI: Hmm. So what's first? Wait don't tell me. RORY: English lit with Mr. Max Medina. LORELAI: Ok see I told you not to tell me. RORY: Sorry LORELAI: Mr. Medina's class huh? RORY: The fancy book owner himself. LORELAI: How does first annual mother/daughter ditch day sound? RORY: Not happening. LORELAI: Yeah yeah, ok - let's go. (Cut to Mr. Medina's class) MAX: On Monday we will start a two week of creative writing exercise, but that doesn't mean we stop reading. One of the greatest inspirations of working writers is the writing of other that they admire. Walt Whitman read Homer, Dante, Shakespeare. And the novelist Edna O'Brien has been quoted as saying 'that every writer should read some Proust every day' Now, at this point, normally I would impress the partens by pulling out a copy of Proust's 'Swann's Way' and reading a particularly difficult passage but alas, you're all saved. I have misplaced my copy. (bell rings) Oh that does is - parent's thanks for coming, students - papers on Whitman are due tomorrow and those of you who are just starting tonight - I'll be able to tell. LORELAI: So you go on ahead ok? I'm going to talk to Max for a second. RORY: Please be nice. LORELAI: I will, I will. LORELAI: (to Max) Hi. MAX: Hi - it's nice to see you. LORELAI: Yeah. I've been really busy. MAX: Oh sure - I assumed. LORELAI: I wanted to give this back to you. MAX: Keep it. LORELAI: I really liked it. I like the first 20 pages anyway, then I got busy and I can see you really need it so - (tries to give him the book) MAX: What's going on Lorelai? LORELAI: Nothing. I just don't think a book whose first sentence is 20 pages long is for me. MAX: Well I left four messages LORELAI: I know - I've been meaning to call. MAX: What's been keeping you? LORELAI: I don't know - things. MAX: Uh huh. LORELAI: Sorry. MAX: Sorry? LORELAI: That I didn't call. MAX: Ok. LORELAI: So - here. (tries to give him book again) MAX: Why do you keep on trying to give me the book? LORELAI: Because it's yours. MAX: Is there something going on here that I don't know about? LORELAI: Yeah, uh I hate Proust. MAX: Lorelai? LORELAI: Look, um Rory's out there waiting for me so... (tries to give him book again) MAX: Wa-wait a minute...Oh my God! I cannot believe what an idiot I am. LORELAI: What? MAX: You're breaking up with me aren't you? LORELAI: I don't know. MAX: Not only are you breaking up with me, you're doing it really badly. LORELAI: Am I being graded? MAX: No, I'm a little disappointed. I would've expected a better dumping from you. LORELAI: Nobody's dumping anyone. MAX: Really? Then what is this? LORELAI: I just need space. MAX: Well I don't. In fact I want as little space as possible. 100 clowns crammed into a Volkswagen. That's the kind of non-space I'm talking about. LORELAI: It's not working. MAX: It was working pretty good the other night. LORELAI: Look it is what I've been trying to tell you all along. This is a family. Rory and I, you walked into a family, but you weren't listening and now she's getting attached and I'm afraid she's gonna get hurt. MAX: So you solution to all of this is not to return my calls LORELAI: It just took me a while to figure things out and it all came clear when I realized how much we could hurt Rory. MAX: Don't you mean how much we could hurt Lorelai? LORELAI: Hey - I can take care of myself. MAX: I don't understand this. I thought we went through this. W-we decided she could handle it. LORELAI: Well maybe she can and maybe she can't. I'm not ready to find out. MAX: I'm not going to let you off that easily. LORELAI: Well there's nothing you can do about it. MAX: There has to be. LORELAI: There isn't. MAX: There is. LORELAI: Well no there isn't. MAX: Yes there is. LORELAI: What are we in high school? Well I know we are in a high school. MAX: This is so not you. LORELAI: Well, you don't know everything about me. MAX: I guess not, because I would've thought that blaming this all on Rory and giving me these lame apologies was weak, pathetic and beneath you. LORELAI: Just take you damn book MAX: You've missed me. LORELAI: Stop it. MAX: I know you did, you're missing me right now aren't you? (Lorelai sighs) MAX: Answer me. LORELAI: Look class is over - MAX: Well we're back in session. LORELAI: Well I didn't raise my hand so don't call on me! I came here to give you this book back, please take it. MAX: I swear to God if you try to give me that book one more time... (They kiss passionately. Outside the class Paris walks by and sees them kiss) (Cut to cafeteria) (Gets noisier and noisier as Paris walks from table to table talking to people. Tristin walks by Rory and makes a 'kiss' sound to her. Paris walks up to Rory.) RORY: What's going on? PARIS: Oh, everyone's just talking about the mom that Mr. Medina was seen kissing just now. RORY: What? PARIS: And the weird thing is - she looks a lot like your mom. RORY: What are you talking about? PARIS: Your mom - Mr. Medina, mouths open. I saw them. How's the coleslaw? Good? (walks away) (Lorelai walks into cafeteria) LORELAI: Hey, did you save me some jello? (Rory gets up and leaves) LORELAI: What? (follows Rory out) Rory?! Hey where are you gong? RORY: Were you kissing him? LORELAI: What? RORY: Mr. Medina, just now, were you kissing him? LORELAI: Yes. RORY: What the hell is wrong with you? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: You said you were breaking up with him. LORELAI: I was. RORY: I know I told you to be nice to him but this was a little extreme don't you think? LORELAI: It wasn't supposed to happen. RORY: Paris saw you! It's all over the school! LORELAI: Oh God - oh Rory, I'm so sorry. I really am. See this is exactly why I didn't want to date him. RORY: You didn't want to date him so you wouldn't come to my school and kiss him and humiliate me? LORELAI: Yes that's exactly it. RORY: Why would you do this? LORELAI: Because I'm human, because I screwed up. I'm sorry. RORY: If you like him so much then why are you breaking up with him? LORELAI: Look, I broke the rules when I brought him into our lives and I realize now that that was a very bad idea. RORY: But why? LORELAI: Why?! Because we are standing in this stairwell yelling at each other that's why! Because it's affecting you, it's seeping into your life and that is the whole reason I made these rules in the first place. Is-is to protect you! RORY: You know what, maybe it was a good idea that you hid your personal life from me when I was a kid but I'm not a kid anymore. LORELAI: No, you're right. You're a 40 year old divorcee - my mistake. RORY: Ugh! I can't believe you're blaming this on me! LORELAI: I'm not blaming you! RORY: You made up these stupid rules years ago about the way the Gilmore women would run their lives and now you're sticking to them even though they're crazy! LORELAI: Oh hey my crazy, stupid rules are the reason we're doing so good in our lives. They're the reason you grew up the way you did, the reason you're even in this school and the reason you're going to go to Harvard so don't you dismiss my rules. RORY: Fine! Great! Well, maybe it's time for the rules to change! LORELAI: Yes, well that's for me to figure out, not you! RORY: Great! Fine! Well could you figure it out before French class because I'd rather you didn't start making out with Mrs. Collins. LORELAI: Hey no promises until I see what she looks like! (Cut to front of Grandma's house) LORELAI: Look, let's just refrain from fighting in front of the grandmother ok? RORY: Fine with me. LORELAI: The last thing I need tonight is a confrontation with my mother (rings doorbell) LORELAI: Hi mom, boy the roads were a mess out there tonight. (entering) GRANDMA: Rory go upstairs please. RORY: Is everything ok? GRANDMA: I have to talk to your mother, please go upstairs. RORY: Well - GRANDMA: Now Rory. GRANDMA: (walks into living room) Lorelai come here! LORELAI: Gee mom, did I do something wrong? GRANDMA: I try to understand you, I truly do. But sometimes your behaviour baffles me beyond belief. LORELAI: And which behaviour is this? GRANDMA: Do you have no shame? LORELAI: Is that intended as a rhetorical question or - ? GRANDMA: Rory goes to school in that place, she has a reputation to protect. You're her mother. LORELAI: How did you - GRANDMA: You're supposed to shield her from shame not cause it. LORELAI: Oh mom? GRANDMA: Kissing a teacher...in a classroom...on parent's day! LORELAI: Well...they wanted us to get more involved with the school. GRANDMA: Are you insane? LORELAI: No but you are if you think I'm discussing this with you. GRANDMA: When I heard I almost fainted. LORELAI: How did you hear mom? GRANDMA: I have friends Lorelai. Headmaster Charleston's wife for one. LORELAI: Oh, that's great. GRANDMA: The entire school is talking about it. And what do I say, how do I defend this? LORELAI: It was a mistake. GRANDMA: A mistake? A mistake? Is that what you call it a mistake? LORELAI: Well I tried to call it 'Al' but it would only answer to 'mistake'. GRANDMA: A mistake is when you throw out your credit card bill - a mistake is when you forget to RSVP to a dinner party - a mistake is when the gardeners miss trash day and the barrels are full for a week. This my girl, was not a mistake! Do you even know this man? LORELAI: Ah, no, this is the first time I'd seen him and I don't know, there was just something about the way he held the chalk and - GRANDMA: This is not the time for your jokes. LORELAI: Yes I knew him. I've been dating him. GRANDMA: Why on earth would you date Rory's teacher? LORELAI: That's none of your business. GRANDMA: It most certainly is. LORELAI: How do you figure that? GRANDMA: When it affects my granddaughter it becomes my business. LORELAI: I don't want to talk about this with you! GRANDMA: I just want to know what you were thinking. What was the reasoning? How on earth did you justify it to yourself? LORELAI: Max is a great guy. An amazing guy! He's smart, he's sweet (teary) he cooks. GRANDMA: So you decided to kiss him in your daughter's school. LORELAI: No, I decided to breakup with him in my daughter's school and the kissing part just happened. GRANDMA: You always let your emotions get in the way. That's the problem with you Lorelai - you don't think. LORELAI: Mom - please. GRANDMA: He's just a man Lorelai. LORELAI: No he's not. GRANDMA: Oh so what are you telling me. That this was all worth it because he was the love of you life, that this was the man for you. LORELAI: I don't know. He might have been. Excuse me (leaves room) (Cut to Chilton cafeteria) (Rory sitting at a table. Paris, Louise and Madeline walk up behind her.) LOUISE: See, I told you he wouldn't date a teacher. PARIS: I wish my mom would sleep with my teacher, it would make midterms a lot easier. (Rory slams her book closed, stands up and turns to face them) RORY: Madeline, Louise, would you excuse us for a minute? LOUISE: Ooh cat fight. RORY: Go. PARIS: You're not going to kiss me are you? (smiling) RORY: What's wrong with you? PARIS: Nothing I'm great. RORY: You've just spent the past two weeks with all of your family's private problems printed in the newspaper for everyone to read and talk about. I saw how you walked around here! I saw how much you hated it. And then you turn around and pull something like this? Doesn't that seem crazy to you? Do you have any idea how many people you've hurt? Forget me and my mom, what about Mr. Medina? He likes you, he encourages you. He hold up your papers and tells the class how great you are. And then you turn around and spread stories about him. (pause). Whatever, forget it. You have no idea what I'm talking about. (grabs her stuff and starts to leave) PARIS: I do like Mr. Medina. RORY: Well I'd take some dance lessons cause the way you express yourself needs a little work. PARIS: I...probably shouldn't have told people what I saw. RORY: No you shouldn't have. PARIS: I'm sorry...things have been...well...not good lately. RORY: I know. PARIS: I just didn't want them talking about me anymore, that's all. RORY: Well, it worked. PARIS: Yeah. RORY: You know, i-if you want to talk - PARIS: Hey, we are not friends. RORY: Oh that I know. But if you ever do...want to talk about - PARIS: I will, if I want to. RORY: Ok. PARIS: But I probably won't. RORY: That's fine. PARIS: But if I do - RORY: I'm around. PARIS: Ok. I'm going now. RORY: Bye. PARIS: Bye. (Paris starts to leave and turns around) PARIS: I doubt I will. RORY: I'm not holding my breath. (sighs and leaves) (Cut to Independence Inn kitchen) (Jackson drops a box of squash blossoms on the counter) JACKSON: There - squash blossoms. All large enough for you to stuff and fry up and serve to the desensitize masses who just want what they know. Hurrah! Mediocrity wins again! SOOKIE: Jackson? JACKSON: You know what, I'm not even gonna charge you for these. I am not going to profit off the death of creativity. I would rather starve myself than know that my food was paid for by the lowered expectations of the American public. (starts to leave) SOOKIE: Jackson? JACKSON: What?! SOOKIE: Would you like to go to dinner sometimes...with me? JACKSON: Ok. SOOKIE: Ok. (Jackson leaves, Sookie's smiling.) (Cut to coffee shop in Hartford) (Max sitting at the counter) MAX: Thanks (to waiter) (Lorelai walks in) LORELAI: Hey Mister, wanna buy a really nice copy of Proust? MAX: How ya doing? LORELAI: Hmm. Well you know. You? MAX: Well you know it also. (Lorelai sits) LORELAI: So that parent's day is fun. MAX: Oh, it was a big hit this year (both laugh a little) LORELAI: Look, the other day, we were going skating, and Rory said "Why don't we invite Max to come along with us" and that was a little weird for me. MAX: Me too. I don't skate. LORELAI: She's never really referred to anyone I've dated by their first name before. I always kept her out of that part of my life, so it was like "the mustache guy", "the earring guy", "the peg leg guy". MAX: Oh so you have a thing for pirates. LORELAI: She never called anyone by their name before. She likes you. She likes us. So my mind instantly went to "Oh my God, what if we break up, she'll be crushed" and then my next thought was "Oh my God, what if we break up, I'll be crushed". And then as you know all hell broke loose. MAX: I understand. LORELAI: I freaked out. I'm so sorry. I never meant to treat you like that, I'm not very good at this, ask Skippy. MAX: Skippy? LORELAI: (shaking her head) I'm so so sorry. MAX: I was called into headmaster Charleston's office today. LORELAI: Let me guess. He put his arm around you and said "I don't understand why you crazy kids can't work this out?" MAX: He said that I was jeopardizing my career and future at Chilton. LORELAI: Oh! MAX: At first I was incensed, outraged and "How dare he?!". And then I realized that he was right. What happened the other day was completely unprofessional. I never in my life would've considered pulling off something like this. He should've fired me. LORELAI: But he didn't. MAX: Not yet, but the word 'probation' was tossed around quite a bit though. LORELAI: I'm sorry. MAX: I'm the one that started the kiss. LORELAI: And I'm the one that knocked it up to NC-17. MAX: I honestly did not think that this was going to be so complicated. LORELAI: I know. MAX: I mean you told it would be. I didn't listen, I didn't want to. LORELAI: It's not your fault. If I hadn't acted like a two year old and tried to run away and pretend that you weren't what you are to me, then we wouldn't have fought, we wouldn't have kissed, I wouldn't have humiliated my daughter and the whole thing would've been fine. MAX: (sighs) I do not know what to do here. I-I've never been in a relationship like this before. I'm not thinking straight. LORELAI: I know, me either. MAX: That was a great kiss. LORELAI: Beyond great. MAX: Maybe we need to take a little time away from each other. LORELAI: Ok. (upset) MAX: You know, just to figure out how to do this so it's not so hard. LORELAI: Sure...that makes sense. MAX: I just - I don't have any other answers right now. LORELAI: No you're right. You're absolutely right. (pause) I really really like you Max Medina MAX: I really really like you Lorelai Gilmore. LORELAI: Well, as long as we got that straightened out. MAX: Goodbye Lorelai (gets up and leaves) LORELAI: (whispers) Bye. (Cut to Gilmore house) (Rory comes home) RORY: Mom! Mom, I'm home! (Goes upstairs) RORY: Mom? (Finds Lorelai laying on her bed crying. Rory strokes her hair in comfort and lays down with her and hugs her.)

As Lorelai and Max grow closer, Rory begins to get attached to the idea of Max in their lives, which freaks Lorelai out; Sookie and Lorelai have a frank talk about relationships; Lorelai tries to ease out of her relationship with Max during Parent's Day at Chilton, but ends up passionately kissing him in his classroom just as Paris walks by; stung by the details in the newspapers about her parents' messy divorce, Paris tells everyone in the lunchroom about Max and Lorelai to deflect gossip away from her and towards Rory; Rory confronts Paris, gets an apology, and offers a sympathetic ear, which is grudgingly accepted; Sookie asks Jackson out on a date and he accepts.

fd_Charmed_05x11

fd_Charmed_05x11_0

[Scene: Paige's car. Paige is driving along the road, talking on her phone to Phoebe.] Paige: Okay, so I've stopped at five herb shops but I finally found some eye of newt. So if it's good enough for Shakespeare's witches, I figured it'd help us put a serious dent in Cole. Phoebe: Look, we've tried everything to vanquish him but nothing works, okay. So I just say we watch our backs and get on with our lives. Speaking of which, do you think eye of newt would work on the woman that's trying to sue me? Paige: Is she demonic? Phoebe: Well, she's demonically stupid. Paige, I am seriously worried that I'm going to lose my job over this. Paige: For giving bad advice in your column? Phoebe: No, the advice wasn't bad, I never told her she should leave the guy at the altar. Paige: Either way, what happened to freedom of the press? Phoebe: Well, apparently some dirt bag lawyer is finding a way around it. (Paige passes a demon wearing a suit, standing on the side of the road. He waves his hand and something blows on her car. Her car spins out of control and Paige screams.) Paige? (Paige's car crashes into another car and she is knocked unconscious.) Paige, are you okay? Paige, do you hear me? Are you okay? Paige. [Scene: A demonic strip bar. Women in bikinis are dancing on the stage, while demonic men watch them close by. Cole is amongst the demons, watching a dancer straight in front of him. The demon from the street shimmers into the middle of the room, who a waitress bumps into. He looks around and approaches Cole.] Demon: Cole. Cole: How'd it go? Demon: It was beautiful. Cole: Was the other driver hurt? Demon: Oh, yeah. Cole: Good. Demon: Now all you gotta do is a little mind control on the witnesses and maybe a cop, and we're golden. Cole: Let's get outta here. (Cole starts to get up but a dancer walks over and pushes him back down.) Dancer: No time for one little dance? Cole: Kaia, I was waiting for you earlier. Kaia: I'll make it up to you. Demon: Boss. (Cole gives him a look and he walks away.) Cole: You know what I want. (Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe and gives him a lap dance.) Opening Credits [Scene: Hospital. Room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Paige is in the hospital bed, Phoebe sits on the end of the bed, and Piper sits beside in a chair.] Piper: Are you sure you don't want to call Leo? Paige: No, no, it's just a mild concussion and besides, I don't deserve to be healed. I know better than to talk on the phone and drive, I don't know what I was thinking. Piper: Do you remember what happened? Paige: I was speaking to Phoebe and then the next thing I know the car just started spinning out of control. Phoebe: Hm, it's kinda like my career. Paige: Oh, honey, it's not that bad is it? Phoebe: I think it is. The newspaper's lawyers wanna meet with me and I don't think it's because they're huge Phoebe fans. Piper: Well, I'll see you your career and raise you my club. The health inspector's coming back today and the plumbing just exploded, again. Paige: What is going on with us? Is Mercury in retrograde? Phoebe: Have you thought about using a magical band-aid? Piper: I'd do it in a heartbeat if I wasn't afraid of the personal gain consequences. Phoebe: See, this is why demons always have the upper hand, you know. They can use their magic whenever they want to. Paige: Yeah, well, you know, that's what separates good from evil. Phoebe: Yeah, I know that but it's still very tempting. I mean, you could fix your plumbing, I could turn some lawyers into toads. Piper: Aunt Phoebe, little wiccans have very big ears that can hear you. Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, baby, I was only kidding! Mostly. (to Paige) Are you going to be okay because I have to go get fired now. Paige: You are not getting fired and I'm fine. Phoebe: From your mouth and god's ears. (She kisses Paige on the head and turns to Piper's stomach.) Okay, bye, my little niece. (She kisses Piper's stomach.) Piper: You're smashing me. Phoebe: I love you. Piper: Get off me! (Phoebe leaves.) Paige: This is no segue but you and I need to talk about vanquishing Cole. Piper: 'Cause we don't have enough problems at the moment? Paige: No, because he's actually our biggest problem at the moment. Okay, look at Phoebe, it's totally beaten her down. Piper: I don't know, she seemed kind of cheerful considering the state of her career. Paige: That's this wonderful thing called denial. Okay, the Phoebe I know would never roll over for lawyers like that. This morning when I was talking to her about vanquishing Cole, she told me I was wasting my time. I'm telling you she is off. Piper: Alright, okay, already. Well, we'll spend the afternoon with our noses in potions. But can I go save the soul source of our income first? Paige: Yeah, go, I'll see you later. Piper: Are you okay to orb? Paige: I'm perfectly fine to orb. Go. Piper: Alright. (Piper leaves the room. Paige gets up to get dressed and two police officers knock at the door.) Cop #1: Paige Matthews? Paige: Yeah? Cop #1: You're under arrest. [Scene: Cole's office. Cole's there. The demon stands at the doorway.] Demon: Felony hit and run. She's going down. (He walks over to Cole.) Cole: And P3? Demon: Health inspector's there, our guys are in place. I've gotta say, using the law to bring down the Charmed Ones was genius, sir. They'll never figure it out. Cole: Oh, they will figure it out, it'll just be too late. (He shows him some blueprints of the manor.) The Halliwell manor. The doorway to the spiritual nexus. All the power that we need. Demon: Oh, man. Right under the witches' house. Who knew? Cole: I did. Demon: Is that why they're so damn strong? Cole: Ah, partly. The Nexus packs a punch. The power can go either way, in good hands, good gets a power boost. But when we tap into it, evil spreads. Demon: How far? Cole: Far enough. The police, the politicians, and Phoebe. She will be consumed by evil and she will finally give into our love and then I will torture and kill her sisters and we'll live happily ever after. Demon: Sir, I thought the point of all this was to give you the power to reorganise the Underworld above ground. Cole: Yes, it is, it is. But to be united, evil must have a happy leader and for me to be happy, I need... (Phoebe walks in carrying a picnic basket.) Phoebe, what are you doing here? Phoebe: I came to see you, baby. I thought we could have a little picnic. (She walks over to him and gives him a big kiss on the lips.) Cole: Kaia, what the hell do you think you're doing? (Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.) Kaia: Damn, how'd you know it was me? (She curls her hair around her finger.) Cole: Well, for starters Phoebe hates me and she doesn't drink and she uses a little less tongue. Demon: Since when does a stripper follow a guy back from work? Cole: Hey, hey, hey, Dex, go easy, she's got a little crush. Dex: With all do respect, sir, Kieran demons are manipulative vixens and this one has an agenda that goes way beyond a little crush. Cole: Sure, she can smell power, can't you Kaia? Maybe she wants to be my new queen. Kaia: Just send this one away and I'll prove my worth. (She strokes his chest.) Cole: I'm afraid I can't, I'm in love with someone else. Kaia: But I can give her to you, I can be her. Cole: No. You're good for the occasional dance but beyond that I need the real thing. Dex: Alright, you heard him, get out and stay gone. Otherwise, I'll make sure you do. (Kaia storms towards the door.) Cole: Not like that. Go out the way you came in. In this office we keep up appearances. (Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.) Phoebe: You want me, I can feel it. (She leaves.) Dex: Insolent. Cole: Hot though. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper, Leo and the Health Inspector are there. The Inspector has stamped a file saying 'condemned'.] Piper: Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Come on, you've gotta give me another chance. Health Inspector: And why is that? Piper: Because, because, because... Leo: Because we've been in business nearly four years and we haven't failed an inspection yet. Health Inspector: Well, I'd have to disagree with that, Mr. Wyatt. You've failed two this week. Piper: Yeah, but this week has been bad, like strangely bad and we'll have the plumbing fixed tomorrow so can't you just come back then? Health Inspector: Well, your record has been impeccable until now. (A rat squeaks and crawls past his feet.) Whoa, hello. (Piper gasps.) Rats too. Piper: No! No, we don't have rats. They don't live here. They're just, they're just trying to ruin my life. Health Inspection: Rodent infestation takes longer than a day to clear up. Close down, address the problem, and we'll schedule another inspection in a few weeks. Piper: I won't need another inspection in a few weeks because if I stay closed that long, I'll be out of business. Health Inspector: Sorry, there's nothing I can do. Leo: Alright, well, I'll show you out. (Leo and the Inspector head for the door. Piper grabs a broom.) Piper: Where are you? (She chases the rats with the broom.) I hate you, I hate you. Go home! Get out of here you plague spreading, club ruining rodent. I will get you! (She tries to blow up the rat but misses and gets a chair. Leo walks back in.) Leo: Piper, what are you doing? Piper: Diminishing the rodent population obviously. Leo: Come on, honey, we're gonna get through this. (Piper goes over and sits on the stairs.) Piper: Yeah, we will but the club won't. How can this be happening? I mean, I know I've neglected the club since I've been pregnant but not this much. Leo: These things happen, it's just bad luck. Piper: No, it is more than bad luck, it is sabotage, it is... it's demonic. Leo: What? Piper: Well, yeah. Phoebe's lawsuit, Paige's accident... Well, that's it, it's all part of it, it has to be. Leo: Why? Piper: Because I said so and if not, we're losing the club which is just not an option. (Piper and Leo leave the club. The rats turn into two demons.) Rat Demon #1: Damn. She missed me by this much. (They blink out.) [Scene: Police Station. Paige, Darryl and a cop are there.] Cop: This way, Ms. Matthews. (The cop stands Paige next to a wall with the lines to measure her height. He walks over to the camera.) No film. Darryl: Try the filing cabinet. She's not going anywhere. (He walks away.) Paige: Why, why am I not going anywhere? You've always helped us before. Darryl: With your other problems. This is not others. Paige: I am not so sure. Darryl: Paige. Paige: I didn't do what they're saying I did. And if anybody is trying to set me up it would be a de... others. Darryl: Officer Garcia is not others, nor is he in league with any others, he's a good cop and he saved my ass on many occasions. Paige: Oh my god, I think I see what is going on here. Phoebe's lawsuit, Piper's club... You have to get me out of here otherwise it's just going to get worse. Darryl: Listen, I am a Lieutenant now, I can't just bend the rules like I used to. (The cop comes back with film. Darryl hands Paige a board with her name on it.) Even if I could, this is legal problems. I-I can't just make those go away. (Paige holds up the board and the cop takes the photo.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise's office. Phoebe and Elise are there.] Elise: We can't just make it go away. She have a strong case for malice. Phoebe: I don't understand. How does she have a strong case? Elise: She is claiming that a result of your own bitter divorce, you've made it your mission to destroy other marriages. Phoebe: That is ridiculous. Elise: (reading from newspaper) "If you have any doubts, any doubts at all, I suggest you flee at the speed of a baby cheetah at suppertime." Phoebe: I was using hyperbole. Elise: I know that. But she's collected dozens of similar clips and she's threatening to go to the press with her story. And as a newswoman I can tell you, it's a good story. Phoebe: Okay, well, isn't controversy good for sales? Elise: It may be good for the enquirer but I've worked very hard to build this paper into a respectable news source. Phoebe: Can't we just pay her off? We have to have insurance for this type of thing, right? Elise: She doesn't want money. She wants you fired. It's like she's on some kind of vendetta. I'm sorry, Phoebe, I have to suspend you without pay while our lawyers try to work this out. (Phoebe gets up.) Phoebe: Cole. Elise: Excuse me? (Phoebe leaves.) [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper opens the front door to let Darryl in.] Piper: Darryl, have you heard from Paige? Because she was supposed to come straight home from the hospital but... Darryl: Paige is in jail. We tried to call you but... Piper: What? For, what for? Darryl: Reckless endangerment and felony hit and run. Piper: What? (Suddenly, Paige orbs in.) Paige: Oops. Darryl: You have got to be kidding me. Piper: Paige, Darryl said you were in jail. Paige: Oh, I am. I mean, I was, I will be. Just as soon as I figure out what demon is doing this to me. Darryl: You just disappeared from jail? Paige: No! I put pillows in the bed first. It always worked at my parents house. Darryl: Paige! Paige: What? You weren't gonna help me so I had to help myself. Whether you believe it or not, there is a demon behind this. Darryl: At two o'clock, they're gonna come get you for your bail hearing. If you're not there, that's my ass. Everybody knows we're friends. They're gonna just think I let you go. Paige: I will be there at two o'clock. (Darryl leaves.) Piper: See ya. Paige: Okay, he hates me. Piper: Yeah, he does. But for what it's worth I'm with you. Leo's doing the Elder thing. Paige: Oh, let me guess, you didn't pass the inspection? Piper: Nope. Paige: Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Our problems are legal, right? Who's the only demonic lawyer we know? Piper: Cole. And he has gone off the deep end lately. But how is ruining our lives gonna help him get Phoebe back? Paige: I don't know. But until we figure it out we should keep her out of it. [Scene: Cole's office. Cole is there sitting at his desk. Phoebe barges in, angrily.] Phoebe: You slimy son of a bitch. Cole: Phoebe, is that you? Phoebe: What are you? Evil and blind? Yeah, it's me. (Cole slowly covers over the manor's blueprints with some files.) Look, why don't you just admit that you're behind this. Admit it so I can use magic to fight you. Cole: I don't know, uh, I don't know what you're talking about. (She slams the door shut and walks over to his desk.) Phoebe: Look, Cole, my career is the most important thing to me. Okay, so is that your plan to take it away from me so that I come running to you for comfort? Cole: Phoebe, I love you and I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you? Or-or your boss, perhaps? (Phoebe gets so mad she throws all his files on his desk up in the air.) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Phoebe: I might not be able to use magic but... Cole: You're sexy when you're mad, you know. I can't wait until I get to kiss you again. Phoebe: Cole, I will never be with you again. I hate you, I hate you. Do you get that? Cole: Hate is good. It's passionate, intense, it's-it's-it's a breath away from love. (Phoebe laughs and throws a few more papers in the air before she spins around and leaves.) Ah, she's great. [Cut to the hallway. Phoebe storms passed Kaia, who's sitting in a chair, covering her face with a magazine.] [Cut to Cole's office. Kaia walks in.] Cole: What do you want? Kaia: Just to give you want you want. (Kaia morphs into Phoebe.) [Cut to the elevator. Phoebe is impatiently waiting for the doors to open. She gives up and uses the stairs. The elevator doors open and Piper and Paige walk out. They head for Cole's office.] Piper: So what are we gonna do? Paige: We're gonna tell him we're on to him and it's not gonna work. (They walk into Cole's office and see Cole and Phoebe making out on his desk. They watch in shock.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Cole's office. Hallway. Piper and Paige are there, looking grossed out.] Paige: I can't believe I saw what I just saw. Piper: Well, believe it 'cause I saw it too. Paige: How, why is she kissing him? Piper: I don't know but I say we go back in there and we pull her out by her hair. Paige: No, no, we can't make a scene. Okay, we need a plan. Piper: Okay, here it is. We go home, we vomit... Paige: And? Piper: That's all I got so far. Paige: Okay. [Cut to inside Cole's office. Cole and Kaia/Phoebe stop kissing.] Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, come on, baby, it was just getting good. Cole: Not good enough. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe and you should stop trying. Kaia/Phoebe: You're right. I'll never be as good, I'll be better. I know tricks the real Phoebe's never even heard of before. Cole: I've been patient with you up until now. This is the last time I'm gonna say this. Leave and don't come back. (Phoebe morphs into Kaia.) Kaia: You don't know what you're missing. (She leaves.) [Cut to the lobby. Dex is waiting by the elevators. Phoebe walks past him and he grabs her.] Dex: Hey! What did I tell you? Cole has some serious work to do and I will not have you distracting him. Phoebe: Cole... What the hell? Who are you? Dex: Get it through your thick head. The leader of the Underworld will never have a whore as his queen. Phoebe: Did you just call me a whore? (Kaia walks out of the elevators.) Dex: Kaia? (Dex shimmers out with Phoebe.) [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo are there.] Leo: There's not, there's no... Are you sure? Paige: Leo, we saw Phoebe and Cole tongues locked, hands groping all over each other. (She shivers.) Leo: Okay, didn't need the visual. Piper: Well, maybe he has her under some kind of mind control. I mean, he can do that, that's possible, right? Leo: Right. I think right now he could do pretty much anything he wanted. Piper: Why? What do you mean? Leo: Well, the Elders have sensed a major surge in demonic activity. They think that evil is organising under a new leader. Paige: Oh, that's just great because the last time Cole was the leader of the Underworld, he took Phoebe as his queen and we were completely blindsided by it that time too. Oh my god, that's why she didn't want me to try to vanquish him. Piper: She was talking this morning about being tempted. Paige: She was trying to warn us and we didn't even see it. Piper: Okay, this just can not be happening, people. I mean, Phoebe would not do this to us. I mean, it can not, can not, can not be happening! Leo: Okay, let's just calm down, okay. The last time Phoebe was evil she was under the influence of her demonic pregnancy. Piper: So what, you're saying you think she's pregnant again? Leo: No! I just think that maybe we're underestimating her. Maybe there's something that we're missing. Piper: Ugh. Paige: We saw what we saw. Leo: Okay, well, maybe she's under a spell. Or-or maybe there was some information that she wanted and she was using s*x as a tool. Piper: Okay, I like the sound of that. Slutty and manipulative, that's better than evil any day. Leo: So let's not panic. Let's talk to Phoebe and give her the chance to explain what's going on. (The clock chimes two o'clock.) By the way, Darryl called. Paige: Oh. [Cut to the police station. Jail cell. Paige orbs in bed. Darryl and a guard approach the cell.] Darryl: She's not ready. Guard: The judge won't wait. Darryl: Paige? (The guard unlocks the gate. Paige gets out of bed.) Paige: Oh, hey, guys, what took you so long? (She walks out of the cell.) Coming, Darryl? [Scene: Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Dex are there. Dex has a hold of Phoebe.] Phoebe: Ow! Hey! Dex: I wouldn't have to hurt you if you stopped trying to get away. (Cole appears in the room.) Cole: What happened? Dex: I mistook her for the other one and I said too much. I thought I'd bring her here until the end of the operation. Cole: Good thinking. (He throws an energy ball at Dex and vanquishes him.) Phoebe: Well, as much fun as this has been... (She heads for the door.) Cole: I'm sorry, Phoebe, but Dex is right, I can't let you leave. Phoebe: Leo! Cole: Save your voice. This place is magically protected. I can't have you people sensing what I'm doing in here. (He waves his arms and the windows and doors glow.) Now all the windows and doors are blocked. Please, sweetie, just trust me on this one, I don't want you getting hurt trying to escape. Phoebe: Alright, don't call me sweetie. You can't hold a person prisoner and then call them sweetie. Cole: You know, I didn't intend this. I just can't have you running off to your sisters and protecting the Nexus, okay? It is way too important for us. Phoebe: Wait, the Nexus? Cole: Dex didn't tell you about that? Phoebe: No, no he didn't. He just told me you were trying to reorganise the Underworld. Cole: Oops. Don't be mad. I only want the Nexus so that you can come back to evil and we can be together. Phoebe: Uh, Cole... Cole: I'm so sorry, I had to involve your work. I just needed you distracted while I ruined Piper's club and put Paige in jail. Phoebe: Paige is in jail? Cole: Listen, I'd love to stay and chat but all this considered I need to speed up my plan. Phoebe: Well, Cole, my sisters are gonna realise that I'm missing and Leo is gonna try to sense me and when he can't they're gonna come straight to you. (Cole laughs.) Cole: Um, thanks for the concern, but I think I've got my bases covered. (Cole waves his hand and Kaia (morphed into Phoebe) appears beside him.) Kaia/Phoebe: I knew you'd want me again. Cole: Ignore her. Phoebe: Oh my god. Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, no, not god, Kaia! Cole: Just listen to her voice. Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help. Are-are you sleeping with me? I mean, her. Kaia/Phoebe: You're sick, you know that? You need help. Cole: Good. Phoebe: Oh my god. Kaia/Phoebe: Oh my god. Cole: Excellent. Come on, Kaia. (They head for the elevator. Cole picks up Phoebe's purse on the way.) Ooh, I'm gonna need this. (to Phoebe) There's some left over Chinese food in the fridge. (They walk into the elevator.) Kaia/Phoebe: So if you don't want me, then what do you want? Cole: I want you to go to Phoebe's house and pretend to be her for a while. Do your job well and you'll be amply rewarded. Kaia/Phoebe: For a while. (She curls her hair around her finger.) Why not just get rid of her and I could take her place forever. Cole: Beside from the fact that I love her, Phoebe is a Charmed One. She's protected by her powers, you can't just kill her, so don't get any silly ideas. And stop playing with your hair. Phoebe's more sophisticated than that. Now, go to the house and lay low for a while. I just need a little time to speed things up. (Cole disappears.) [Cut to the hospital. A room. The driver from the other car in Paige's accident is lying in a bed. Cole appears and walks over to her.] Cole: Did you sustain your injuries in an accident with Paige Matthews? Driver: Um, yeah, I guess that was her name. What are you, a lawyer? Cole: Yeah, that and other things. Driver: What? (Cole touches her forehead and she gasps for breath. She dies.) Cole: Sorry. Nothing personal. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Kaia/Phoebe walks in through the front door. Piper and Leo walk in.] Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, uh, hi, Piper. Piper: Don't you hi Piper me. I saw you. Leo: I thought you said you were gonna be calm. Piper: I am calm. Phoebe: You saw me what? Piper: Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Kaia/Phoebe: Trust me, it's not an act. Piper: We saw you making out with Cole. Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, well, that's just not possible, you see, because I'm pretty sure that I hate Cole, right? Piper: Phoebe, I am pregnant, I am emotional and I am freaking out. And if you are back together with Cole then that is just fine but do not deny what I just saw. Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, alright, then, uh, I'm back together with Cole. Leo: What? Piper: What? How can you say that? Kaia/Phoebe: Wh- I thought you said it was fine? Piper: Well, I didn't mean it and for god's sakes the man mummified you. Kaia/Phoebe: Whoa, seriously? Leo: (whispers in Piper's ear) Something's not right, her memory seems gone. Piper: Okay, that's a good sign. Now Phoebe, try and focus. Does Cole have you under some kind of spell? Kaia/Phoebe: Maybe. Piper: Maybe, maybe is good. Because magic we can fight, lust, desperation, insanity we can not fight, but magic we can fight. Leo: Unless you've used your powers for evil. Piper: Which you haven't, have you? Kaia/Phoebe: No, no, I don't think so and that would be the worst thing ever, right? Leo: Oh, yeah, we couldn't bring you back from that. Kaia/Phoebe: Okay, so this is what we have to do. You have to take away my powers so I don't misuse them. Piper: Yes. She's not evil, you're not evil. Leo: So you think Cole has you under his control? Kaia/Phoebe: Well, yeah, why else would I have kissed Cole? Oh my god, what has he done to me? Piper: Oh, no, honey, it's gonna be okay. Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, it is going to be okay, it's going to be okay once you take away my powers, you know, just to be safe. Leo: Piper, if you take away her powers she's going to be really vulnerable. Phoebe: But you guys can protect me, right? Leo: Well, I don't know. If Cole is reorganising the Underworld, you're gonna need the Power Of Three. Piper: No, as long as we're the ones to take it away we can bring it back but if Cole's got Phoebe under his control... Kaia/Phoebe: Yes, she's right. I am my own worst enemy. The sooner we weaken me the better. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe throws a candlestick at the window and it rebounds off the force field.] Phoebe: Leo! (She looks up and notices an air vent in the roof. She levitates up and grabs onto it, trying to pull it open.] [Cut to the manor. Parlor.] Piper: "This witch's power can not fight, the lure of evil's magic might, before misuse lands her in hell, remove the powers of Phoebe Halliwell." [Cut to Cole's apartment. A light floats out of Phoebe and she falls to the floor, hard, knocking her out.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe and Leo are there.] Piper: Well, it wasn't my best work but it should've done the trick. Are you okay? Leo: How do you feel? Kaia/Phoebe: Um, fine. Piper: So the spell worked? Phoebe: Why wouldn't it? Leo: You know, maybe you should try it out. Try levitating. (Phoebe puts her arms in the air.) Piper: What are you doing? Kaia/Phoebe: Well, I just thought I'd try everything. Leo: So you can't levitate? Phoebe: No, apparently not. That means the spell worked, right? Piper: I don't know, you're still kind of weird. Maybe the spell had a side effect? Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I just feel sick because I had to kiss Cole. Piper: Ah, that's my girl. Kaia/Phoebe: Yeah, maybe I need to go and rest for a little while, you know. Leo: That's a good idea. [Time lapse. Phoebe's bedroom. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe walk in.] Piper: Okay, honey, why don't you just lay down for a little while. Do you want some tea or something? Kaia/Phoebe: Tea sounds great. Piper: Tea, yes. (Piper leaves the room and closes the door behind her.) Kaia/Phoebe: Tea. Who drinks tea? (She locks the door and walks over to the dresser. She opens and drawer and pulls out a knife.) Knife in the panty drawer. My kinda girl. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe is still on the floor, unconscious. Kaia/Phoebe appears.] Kaia/Phoebe: Poor little witchy lost her powers. I should just put you out of your misery. (Cole appears. Kaia/Phoebe quickly tucks the knife in her pants.) Cole: What are you doing here? Kaia/Phoebe: I thought I should tell you that they know you're trying to reorganise the Underworld. Cole: I didn't ask you to report to me. What were you doing to Phoebe? Kaia/Phoebe: Well, she's lying in the middle of the room, I was making sure she's okay. Cole: Since when have you been worried about her well being? Kaia/Phoebe: Since she means so much to you. What, do you actually think I'd be stupid enough to hurt her? That wouldn't make you happy, baby, and you know all I wanna do is make you happy. Cole: If you want to make me happy go do the job I asked you to do. Kaia/Phoebe: Fine, bossy boots. Whatever gets you off. Cole: And when the time comes, make sure Piper goes to the bail bondsman. She'll refuse at first but you can convince her. Kaia/Phoebe: The bail bondsman? Cole: You'll figure it out. Now go. (Kaia/Phoebe disappears. Cole walks over to Phoebe and picks her up. He carries her into his room and lays her on the bed. He kisses her and disappears. Phoebe wakes up.) [Cut to the manor. Hallway. Piper is there knocking on the door to Phoebe's room.] Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe? (Phoebe opens the door, wearing headphones. She takes them off.) Didn't you hear me knocking? Kaia/Phoebe: No, I was listening to music to help me relax. Piper: Why was the door locked? (Leo walks up behind them.) Leo: That was Paige on the phone, things just got a whole lot worse. [Scene: Police station. Jail cell. Paige is sitting on the bed with a blanket wrapped around her. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Leo and Darryl are standing outside of the jail cell.] Piper: How did she die? I thought it was just a concussion. Darryl: The doctors think there was a blood clot in her brain. Paige: It's all my fault. Piper: No, it isn't. Paige: Yeah, it is, I killed her. Piper: No, you didn't, Cole did. Darryl: What? Piper: Look, I can't prove it but we found out that he has Phoebe under some kind of mind control, which means he's probably behind all of this. Kaia/Phoebe: That evil b*st*rd. Paige: He's killing innocent people. Piper: Alright, let's get you outta here. Come on, open this thing up. Paige: It's not gonna be so easy. Piper: Why? Darryl: When the other driver died, the judge charged Paige with vehicular homicide. He set the bail at fifty thousand dollars. Piper: Oh my god, where are we gonna get that kind of money. Leo: It's after six, the banks aren't even open. Kaia/Phoebe: Bail bondsman. We'll just go to a bail bondsman. Darryl: Just go. Do that light thing that you do. I will try to cover for you. Paige: What about your job? Darryl: It doesn't matter. You know, I should've believed you in the first place. I will cover for you. Phoebe: No, because if they figure out that Paige is gone, she will be in even more trouble. We'll go to a bail bondsman, that's what they're there for. Piper: Okay, maybe you're right but you don't have to be so cheerful about it. Phoebe: I'm just saying we can't leave Paige in jail overnight. You know, that's exactly what Cole wants, I'm sure. Darryl: For that kind of bail you're gonna need some heavy duty collateral. Leo: We can't use the club, 'cause it's, you know. Piper: Then we'll have to use the house. [Time lapse. Bail bondsman Office. Piper and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Cecil, the Bail Bondsman is sitting at his desk.] Cecil: This will cover the fifty thousand bail. Sign here and here. And, uh, I'm gonna hold on to the grant deed to your house. You'll get it back when the jail bird shows up for court. Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, it'll be fine. Paige won't skip bail. Cecil: Alright, just, uh, sign there. (Piper signs the paper.) Piper: This doesn't feel right. Cecil: It never does, lady, it never does. There's the receipt. Hold onto it. That's it. Your sister shows up for court you pay me back, plus ten percent. Piper: Let's go make this worth our while. (Piper and Phoebe leave the office. Cecil morphs into Cole. Cole looks at the deed, smiles and puts it in his pocket.) [Cut to the manor. Foyer. Piper, Kaia/Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb in.] Piper: Okay, people, let's move. The sooner we destroy Cole's headquarters, the sooner I feel better about this whole damn day. (They notice three demons lounging around in their living room.) Paige: Piper, we've got a bit of a situation in here. (Cole stands on the stairs.) Cole: Oops, I knew I forgot something. My mother always warned me about protecting my house from orbing. Piper: Your house? Cole: Yes, (he pulls the deed out of his pocket) you signed it, I have it. You could take me to court, try to evict me but by then it will be too late. Paige: Too late for what? Piper: Cole, I don't know what you think you're doing, but we have the paperwork that says the house is ours unless Paige forfeits bail. (Kaia/Phoebe holds up the receipt.) Kaia/Phoebe: Correction. (She walks over to Cole.) I have the paperwork. Paige: Phoebe, what's going on? (Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.) Piper: Oh, dear. (Cole waves his hand and pushes Piper, Paige and Leo outside. He wiggles his fingers and the front door slams shut, activating a force field.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Cole and Kaia walk in.] Kaia: I don't even get one little thank you kiss? Cole: You did well and you'll be paid for your efforts later. (Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.) Kaia/Phoebe: Is this what a girl has to do to get a little attention around here? She hates you. You said it yourself. So why fight for her when I'm here for the taking. Cole: You know, Kaia, I haven't killed you yet because I find you mildly entertaining, but soon the real Phoebe will be by my side and I'm not too sure that she'll feel the same way. So in interest of survival, I suggest you make yourself scarce. (Cole walks into the basement.) Kaia/Phoebe: Or maybe I'll just make her scarce. (She disappears.) [Cut to outside. The sidewalk. Piper, Paige and Leo are there. Leo is trying to sense Phoebe.] Piper: Okay, I said something about hell and I rhymed it with Halliwell. Paige: How can you not keep a copy of the spell you used to take away our sisters powers? Piper: It was a crappy spell, okay? So I left it in the house, alright? Forgive me for not anticipating the demonic foreclosure. Piper: What does he want in the house anyway? Is he after the Book of Shadows? Leo: I still can't sense Phoebe. Paige: Oh, god, do you think she's even still alive? Piper: Cole wouldn't kill her. I don't think. Paige: What about floozy Phoebe? Maybe she's got something up her sleeve? Piper: Are you trying to help or are you just gonna ramble? Paige: I'm just gonna ramble. Leo: Alright, Paige, that's enough. Piper, you need to work on the spell. If Phoebe is still alive, she's gonna need her powers. [Cut to Cole's apartment. Phoebe and Kaia/Phoebe are there. Phoebe is thrown against the wall.] Kaia/Phoebe: You don't deserve him. Phoebe: How many times do I have to tell you I don't want him. (Phoebe attacks Kaia/Phoebe and she blocks Phoebe's kicks and punches.) Kaia/Phoebe: (mocking Cole) I want the real Phoebe, I love the real Phoebe. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe. (The continue to fight and Kaia/Phoebe throws Phoebe against a mirror. Phoebe falls to the floor.) What do you think, witch? Am I as good as you? (She pulls out the knife.) Or better? (Phoebe gets up.) Phoebe: Okay, alright, look, I'm sure we can talk about this. Kaia/Phoebe: I don't think so. See, (she morphs into Kaia) I'm more of a looker than a talker. Phoebe: Oh, you're blonde, I should've known. Kaia: This is gonna be fun. (A light hits Phoebe and her powers return. Kaia throws the knife at Phoebe and she levitates in the air.) Your powers! (Kaia attacks Phoebe and Phoebe kicks her in the stomach, sending Kaia across the room. Phoebe grabs the knife and Kaia runs towards Phoebe. Phoebe stabs Kaia in the stomach.) Phoebe: You were right, that was fun. (Kaia is vanquished. Phoebe levitates up into the vent.) Leo! [Cut to outside the manor. Piper and Paige are there. Leo orbs in with Phoebe.] Piper: Hi! Paige: We're really sorry. Piper: Yeah, we're sorry. Paige: Sorry. Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: It's okay, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm not mad. Well, maybe I'm a little bit mad. I mean, what took you guys so long and what happened to my powers? Leo: Uh, well, she looked like you. Paige: At the hospital you said you were tempted and that you didn't want us to vanquish him. Piper: Then we saw you making out with Cole and we all got a little panicky. Phoebe: Excuse me, did you really think I was making out with Cole? Paige: We mentioned we were sorry? Phoebe: You guys! Okay, well, I'm assuming since you're standing out on the street, that means Cole's in the house? Piper: Yeah, but we don't know why. Phoebe: He wants the Nexus. Piper: Oh, no, he does not. Paige: Wait, didn't I read about that in the Book of Shadows? Isn't that what made you evil before? Piper: How does he know about that? Phoebe: He knows everything about us. Okay, look, if he wants its power, he's gonna have to open the earth under the basement and take the shadow into him. Leo: Okay, so how do we stop him? Phoebe: Well, we can't, but once he has the shadow, there is a spell that can send it back into the earth and hopefully take Cole with him. Piper: Yeah, but it has to be said over the Nexus in the basement. Paige: Great, there's only a whole load of demons in the house and a force field keeping us out. Phoebe: But the one good thing about Cole's little girlfriend, who is dead by the way, she looks just like me. Paige: Wait a second, so you're gonna pretend to be her, pretending to be you? Piper: If you go in there, you'll be vulnerable. Phoebe: To turning evil? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's his plan. Look, you guys underestimated me once already today, please don't do it again. Piper: She twirled her hair. Paige: A lot. Phoebe: She twirled her hair. Like this? (Phoebe twirls a piece of hair around her finger. Piper and Paige nod.) Okay, I'm going in. [Cut to the porch. A demon guard is there. He rings the doorbell. Phoebe approaches him and takes his arm.] Phoebe: Hey, baby, wanna escort a girl inside? Demon Guard: Kaia, are you still playing good witch? Phoebe: It's the way the big man likes it. Demon Guard: Sick. (The door opens and Phoebe and the guard walk in. The hallway is full of demons.) Demon #1: Hey, look who it is. Phoebe: Hi, boys, did you miss me? Demon #1: Alright, the entertainment's here. (A demon touches her butt and she jumps.) Phoebe: Hey! Sorry. I'm just, you know, saving the goods for Cole. Take my jacket. [Cut to the kitchen. A demon guard stands at the basement door. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Step aside and let a lady by? Demon Guard #2: You're no lady, Kaia. And the boss sent you away. Phoebe: Yeah, but he didn't mean it. Come on, let me past. Demon Guard #2: I'll let you past if you can drop that witch act right now. (Phoebe kicks him and he falls down the basement stairs.) [Cut to the basement. Cole is there, chanting. The guard rolls down the stairs. Phoebe races down the stairs. The floor opens up and the shadow enters Cole. He gasps and his eyes turn black then return to normal.] Cole: I'm so happy you came. Phoebe: "I am light, I am one too strong to fight." Cole: Oh, don't fight it, Phoebe. Let evil take you. Phoebe: "Return to dark where shadows dwell, you can't have this Halliwell." Cole: It's no use, Phoebe. Phoebe: "So go away and leave my sight, and take with you this endless night." (A tunnel of wind rises out of the hole in the floor and sucks Cole and the Demon Guard into the hole. It swirls upstairs and sucks every demon into the hole. The hole closes up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Basement. Phoebe is there. Cole appears.] Cole: My sweet Phoebe. I don't know how you did it. How you got past the force field, past the guards, but I love that you did. It's that fight that made me fall in love with you in the first place. Phoebe: I thought you were dead. Cole: So did I for a minute there but now that I know the earth can't even hold me, I guess I'll just call the shadow and try again. Phoebe: You could do that. Hell, you could even turn me evil again. But you will never win because I'll never come back to you. Cole: Phoebe. Phoebe: You just don't get it, Cole, do you? I thought you were dead and I felt nothing. No pain, no love, nothing. I'm free. And when we do vanquish you, and we will, I'll never look back. (Cole disappears.) [Cut to the foyer. Piper, Paige and Leo walk in.] Paige: Okay, where are they? Where are the demons? (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Sorry, my sweeties, but they're all dead. Piper: You didn't even leave us one? Phoebe: Well, there's one left. Believe me, there is one left. But I was able to get back the house and keep Cole from getting the Nexus. Piper: Phew. What about your job? And my club? Leo: I think you can use your magic to reverse Cole's consequence free. Piper: Well, thank the lord for that. Paige: It won't reverse everything though. What about the woman he killed? Phoebe: I promise you he won't get away with that. [Scene: Demonic Strip Bar. Cole is there sitting on a chair. A dancer walks up to him.] Dancer: You asked for me? Cole: Kaia's friend? Dancer: Used to be. Cole: She tell you want I want? Dancer: You mean this? (She shapeshifts into Phoebe.) Cole: Yeah, that's it. (She moves closer and sits on his lap. She whispers in his ear.) Dancer/Phoebe: You just tell me what you want, baby. (Cole stabs her in the stomach.) Cole: That's what I want, baby. (The Dancer/Phoebe is vanquished. He looks at the knife and smiles.)

In an attempt to gain control of the Manor and the Nexus, Cole decides to try to take down Piper, Phoebe, and Paige through legal means: Piper through a failed health inspection at P3, arresting Paige, and using a shapeshifter to take over the life of Phoebe. When a demon who is working with Cole accidentally tells the real Phoebe about Cole's plan, the sisters go about finding a way to defeat Cole.

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fd_One_Tree_Hill_06x22_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Jamie : For you, Miss Lauren. Lauren : Thank you, Jamie. Jamie : They're from my uncle skills. He thinks you're cute. Lauren : Antwon "Skills" Taylor crashing a 5-year-olds' dance? Skills: I was hoping to see you. Bobby : I'm moving Nino to shooting guard, and I'm keeping you at the point. Nino : With me at the point, you're gonna get more chances to score. Nathan : All right? I'll get you the ball. Cause if you can do that, the scouts will come. Brooke : I have a letter for you from your birth mother. You've been going to that coffee shop for months. You must want something from her, even if it's just closure. Lucas : Peyton has a condition called placenta previa. Brooke : Lucas, come on, what if everything doesn't go perfectly? Lucas : She could die, and... and the baby, too. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : The honorary title, Matthew Ryan, the cure, Audioslave, Haley James Scott. They're all in here. It's music to set your life to. And music always helps, no matter what you're going through. So, if you flunk a big test or you have a really bad break-up. Or you just miss someone so bad, it hurts...Then listen to my playlist -"100 songs to save your life" and it should help. Oh, and there is this new artist that is really special, and her second album is just about to come out. So you should check her out. Her name's Mia Catalano. **This road is anything but simple twisted like a riddle** **I've seen high, and I've seen low** **so loud the voices over my doubts** **are telling me to give up** **to pack up and leave town** **but even so, I had to believe** **oh, impossible means nothing to me** **so, can you lift me up?** Peyton : A best friend ... okay, this one is so important. Choose wisely, okay? I got really lucky with mine. My best friend is funny, intelligent, creative, beautiful and successful and very kind. And she's also impulsive, frustrating, um...complicated, childish. But I would not have her any other way. And the best part about Brooke Davis is that she always puts friends first. So...if you are ever in any kind of trouble, now you know who to call. I can't think of anyone I would rather have watching over you. IN THE STREET Victoria : It's been a month, Brooke. You've got to stop spying on them like this. Brooke : Thank you, concernicus. How would you know what I've been up to? Victoria : 'Cause I've been watching the both of you. Iced coffee with skim milk it'll change your life. Brooke : She's eating pecan pie. She doesn't even like pecan pie. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Being a kid without a mom really sucks. And I know this because I've been there... twice. And if you're watching this, then it means that you're in that place, too. And I'm so sorry for that. But if you ever need a mom-and-dad fix, you have Nathan and Haley for that. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Gotcha! I gotcha now! Jamie : No! No! Haley : Okay, easy. If he pees his pants, you're on laundry duty. Jamie : You look pretty, mama. Haley : Oh, thanks, buddy. I got to go. I'm late. I got to pick up Mia from the studio and go over to Peyton's for her baby shower. Do you think you can drop him off on your way out of town? Lucas is gonna watch him. Nathan : Sure, no problem. Haley : Thank you. I'm gonna miss you so much. Call me after the game, okay? Nathan : Yeah. Haley : Okay Bye. I'll see you later. Peyton's waiting. Nathan : Bye. Haley : Bye! Jamie : Bye. Love you. Haley : I love you, too. Jamie : Again? Nathan : Again?! **'Cause I have overcome more than words will ever say** **and I've been given hope that there's a light on up the hall** **and that a day will come when the fight is won and I think that day has just begun** **oh, oh, just begun** **lift me up** **ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, oh** **oh, oh, lift me up** **lift me up, lift me up AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : I really hope that we get to share all these things together. But just in case, it's all right he. Now, there is just one thing... that I need from you. Please... take very special care of your father ... because if I'm not around... he's gonna need you to take care of him, just like my dad needed me. So, love him ... and take care of him ... and be kind to him. Just please ... Do that for me. Lucas : Peyton, what is this? Peyton : I just thought I should. Lucas : No. No, you... You said everything was gonna be okay. You said that. Peyton : Okay, but, Luke, if it isn't, I want our child to be able to remember me. It's just in case. Lucas : Our child's not gonna have to remember you. Our child's gonna know you. We're not doing this, Peyton. Peyton : Lucas. Lucas : A death video? A sad box of stuff? I'm not having any of this, Peyton. I mean, what's next? Peyton : I want to get married ... now. Lucas : Absolutely not. You're supposed to be taking it easy. Okay, look, after you have this baby and you're all better, then ... then we'll get married. Peyton : I want to get married. Lucas : Why? Why is it so important to do it now? Peyton : Because... Lucas : We're not doing anything just in case, okay? I'll be in the garage. You should be in bed. Peyton : Thank you! I love you, too, by the way. AT WALMART Brooke : Remind me again what we're doing here? Victoria : Know thy enemy, Brooke. Suit yourself, but this is our competition and they're cutting into our market share with these hideous things. Brooke : Yeah, the appropriate word being "hideous". Victoria : Don't be so dismissive. Maybe you should pay a visit to the manufacturer, get some inspiration. Brooke : I have Sam, and Sam has school, so I'm not going anywhere. Besides, I need to be here while she's meeting with... you know who. Victoria : You mean the biological mother with the pathetically low credit score? Brooke : What are you talking about? Victoria : So, I had business affairs run her credit report. Don't hate me because I'm resourceful. Brooke : You did what? Victoria : Brooke, we have to be able to make a case against the woman. Brooke : We are not building a case against anyone. Do you think that I can't see what you're doing? There is no running from this. Sam has every right to know her ... real mom. Victoria : Suit yourself. Red is really your color. What do you think? Brooke : Do you think we're shopping right now? Victoria : Absolutely not. This is strictly R&D for our new line. Brooke : You are so trying to shop with me! IN THE GARAGE Lucas : Hey ! Nathan : Hey ! Jamie : Uncle Lucas, can I help you fix aunt Peyton's car? Lucas : Hey, sure, buddy. Nathan : Careful. Sure this is no problem, him hanging out with you? Lucas : Yeah, I could use the company anyway. Nathan : Everything okay? Lucas : It's Peyton. I-I-I found her putting together a time capsule, or a ... a "just in case" capsule. That's what i thought. Nathan : I know, yeah. Lucas : It's just, you know, weird that I'm approaching what's supposed to be the most exciting moment of my entire life with nothing but... complete and utter fear. Nathan : You want to hear a secret? Day Jamie was born, I was...petrified. Lucas : No, you know, it's different, though, you know? I mean, what if something happens to Peyton? I don't know how we got this far. Nathan : Well, you got this far 'cause it's what she wanted. You know? It's like when Karen let you play basketball with your HCM. She knew how bad you wanted it, so she just held her breath and let you play. We all did, you know? Maybe ... maybe this is the time you have to hold your breath for Peyton. Lucas : She wants to get married. Nathan : So do you. You proposed, remember? Lucas : She wants to get married right away. It all just worries me. Nathan : Well, as worried as you are, think about how scared she is. Look, if you had one more day to spend with Peyton, would you rather spend it arguing or just being married? AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : You ready? Sam : For what? Brooke : Peyton's baby shower. You didn't forget, did you? Sam : Sure she wants me there? Brooke : Of course I'm sure. The invitation was addressed to both of us, you knucklehead. Sam : Yeah. Brooke : Are you okay, Sam? Sam : Yep, I'm good. Brooke : Okay. So, everything's going okay with, you know... Sam : My mom? Brooke : Yeah. Sam : Yeah. Brooke : What do you got there? Sam : It's her house. you know, she gave me up when she was my age. How weird is that? Brooke : Yeah. Sam : She said she didn't want to, but her parents made her do it. Brooke : well, I can relate to having crummy parents who make bad decisions. Sam : Yeah. You know, it's funny. I've always... wanted to live in a house with a white picket fence. Brooke : Well, we can have a picket fence if you want. You can have any kind of fence you want. I'll just wait for you to get dressed. Sam : You know, if it's okay, can I just meet you there? Brooke : Yeah. I'll see you at Peyton's. AT THE GYMNASIUM Mouth : So, the stage is set for the Charleston chiefs, who can move into sole possession of first place with a win tonight. And with the season coming to a close and possible NBA call-ups hanging in the balance, coach Bobby irons will be looking for explosive performances from his two leading scorers, Nino Jones and point guard Nathan Scott. Nino : I can't believe anybody out there would want your autograph. Nathan : Are they are than would want it from you. Nino : Look, just 'cause you're the starting point guard don't mean you can show up late. I had you going for a second. And don't worry. I covered for you, man. Bobby : Well, well, you guys go on an eight-game winning streak, and suddenly it's a love fest in here. Nathan : I wouldn't go that far. Bobby : I'll tell you what, Scott ... I'll waive your fine for being late if you and your new best friend here can do two things. Nathan : And what's that? Bobby : Win the game tonight... and impress the NBA scout who's here to watch you guys play. Nathan : Scout? Bobby : Word is the clippers are looking for some backcourt help. Nino : All right, then. Yeah. Bobby : Good luck, guys. Nathan : Thanks. Nino : Hey, uh, Scott, I think you might want to sit this one out. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Sam : I'm so not wearing this. Victoria : Sam, it's a baby shower. You can't show up like you just walked out of a Brazilian favela. Sam : Okay, well, this makes me look like Kermit the frog. Victoria : Okay. So, how goes it with... the waitress? Sam : Her name is Rebecca, thank you. And for your information, things are kind of going okay. Victoria : Yes, well... I'm sure your conversations are just riveting. I mean, you have so much to talk about, what with 16 years of pure neglect to hash over. Sam : Don't be mean. Victoria : Sorry. It's just that she left you. So, you know... it's not like that. Sam : I mean... I thought that way at first. I thought she'd be this evil person, you know, this bad person that gave me up, but she's not. You know, she's got her problems, but she's okay. I mean, in a way, she's ... she's kind of like... Victoria : like what? Sam : Like me. Victoria : Did she say she wanted you back? Sam : Doesn't matter. I'm happy here. Victoria : And that's what we want for you, Samantha ... to be happy here. Sam : Yeah, I know. It's just, I don't want to hurt Brooke's feelings, but part of me wants to know her, you know? My real mum? Victoria : Do you want to live with her? Sam : No. Victoria : Of course you don't. That's my girl. Now let's see if we can't find a beautiful dress for you, worthy of the Davis name. AT SKILLS'S APPARTMENT Skills : Oh, man. Hey, man, don't you guys got somewhere else to be? Junk : Dude, I am killing this game right now. Skills : Yeah, well, I got a date with Lauren. So y'all gonna have to be getting y'all asses up out of here. Junk : Hey, isn't this like the third date? Skills : You know what that means. Yeah. That's Jamie's teacher you're talking about. Junk : This from the guy who dropped down granny deb. Skills : Look, it's a date, man - nice, classy, refined. But just in case, you two be gone by the time I get home, all right? AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Okay, it's official. I look like a lemon-meringue pie. Brooke : Shut up. You have that whole glow thing going. Peyton : If by "glowing" you mean "growing," then maybe. I really do love the dress, Brooke. It was a great gift. Thanks. Although I am just stuck in the house. Brooke : Well, then you'll be stuck in the house for a month looking fabulous. It was Sam's idea. Peyton : Oh, clearly she's learning from the best. Where is she, anyway? I thought she was coming. Brooke : She'll be here. Peyton : You're doing an amazing job with her, Brooke Davis. Hey, she loves you. Brooke : Well, let's hope so... 'cause I'm thinking of making it official. I'm thinking of adopting her. Peyton : No. Brooke : Yeah. I just got all the papers in the mail. Peyton : Oh, my god, that is such good news. Come here. Sit down. Tell me everything. All right, um ... well, I mean, how's it going with her birth mother? Brooke : It seems like it's going okay. I'm just trying to be supportive. What if Sam likes her better than me? Peyton : Okay, take it from someone who was adopted. I happen to know that Sam just became the luckiest girl in the whole world. Brooke : Thank you, P. Sawyer. You always making everything better for me. Don't. Don't. We are not gonna ruin today crying. You're gonna get out of that dress and clean yourself up because we have a party to go to out there. Come on. IN THE GARAGE Jamie : There's an IPod in here. Awesome! This is the night you and daddy won the state championship. Lucas : Do you know where you were that night? Jamie : In mom's tummy. Lucas : That's right. Jamie : So, mom and dad didn't even know me then. Lucas : Well, none of us did, but we were all really excited to meet you. Jamie : Hey, look! Lucas : Waouh! Now, that was a really important night. Jamie : Because you won the state championship? Lucas : Yeah, but, um... it was also the night I realized I wanted to marry Peyton. Jamie : This is cool. What else is in here? Lucas : Yeah, what is in there? AT THE GYMNASIUM Mouth : Hey, Nathan, I got a question for you. Nathan : Yes, we're gonna win tonight. Mouth : Okay, but, uh... how are you dealing with this long-distance thing? It's killing me. Nathan : Yeah. Me, too. And if you figure that one out, let me know. Hey, you see that guy over here talking to Bobby? He's an NBA scout. Mouth : Good luck tonight, Nate. Nathan : Luck has nothing to do with it. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Look at all of these presents! All right, I'm gonna open the first one. It's from Mia. What did you get me? You got me... ...pictures of you. Mia : Okay, yeah, but the gift is that you get to pick the one that goes on the cover of our new record. Peyton : Good Save. All right, what do we got? What do we got? I want to see. I want to see. Um, sexy. Pretty! Ooh, pretty and sexy. Mm, girls, I think we found a winner. Mia : Yay! Peyton : Wow, I ... I guess this means the record's nearly finished, huh? Haley : Speaking of "wow"... ! AT LAUREN'S HOUSE / MINI GOLF & KARTING Lauren : Antwon. Skills : You ready? Lauren : Uh, we have a slight problem. Chuck : Hey, coach Skills! Skills : What the ... Chuck? Lauren : His mom had an emergency, and she couldn't pick him up from school. So, I promised I'd watch him for a little while. I'm so sorry. I guess we should probably cancel? Skills : Nah. I mean, I...guess he could come. Lauren : You wouldn't mind? Skills : Yeah. Why not? Lauren : Great. I'll get my coat. Chuck : Sweet! Where we going? Skills : Yeah, so, peewee basketball is just how I give back to the kids. But you would be surprised at how profitable the baby-proofing industry is. Yo, chuck! Chuck : Sorry! Lauren : Yeah, he's doing well. Skills : He don't look too bad. Skills : You know, you don't know how few guys would be up for a night like this. I'm so glad we didn't cancel, Antwon. Skills : Really? How glad? Chuck : Come on! Man : Whose freaking kid is this? Damn it! Lauren : Uh, mine! Sorry! I'll be back. AT THE GYMNASIUM Mouth : That's the end of the first half, chiefs leading by 10, IN THE GARAGE Jamie : Hey, it's mama as a cheerleader. Lucas : Yeah, and there's, uh, aunt Brooke and aunt Peyton. Jamie : They've been friends for a long time. Lucas : Oh, yeah, a long time. Jamie : Who's in that one? Let's see. That's Uncle Keith, aunt Karen, and who's that? Lucas : That's me. Jamie : You were a funny-looking baby, uncle Lucas. Lucas : Hey ! Jamie : Just kidding. You're kind of my Uncle Keith, aren't you? Lucas : Well, I'd like to think that's exactly who I am. Jamie : Aunt Peyton's a cool angel. Is aunt Peyton gonna be okay? Lucas : I don't know, bud. Jamie : I think everything's gonna be okay. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Oh, wow, what is it? Haley : It's a baby memory book, and you put photos and journal entries and all that stuff in it. When you look at it five years from now, you'll never believe they were that small. Brooke : You know, Victoria almost got one of those for me. Brooke : Peyton. Peyton : yeah. Haley : You okay? Peyton : I love it. Thank you. And ... I just want you guys to know... I love you so much. Brooke : I love you, too. Mia : Okay, hold on. I'm taking a picture ... no crying for the picture. Yeah? Okay. Okay? Get in here. Ready? One, two, three. AT THE GYMNASIUM Bobby : All right, let's bring it in. It's "chiefs" on three. Mans : One, two, three. Chiefs! Bobby : Let's go. Let's go, dawg. Bring it home. Nate. So far, you've done a terrific job making Nino look good. Just make sure you make yourself look good, too, okay? If you get an open shot, take it. Nathan : The scouts are here to watch everyone. And that includes you, coach. We're gonna win this game. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : I'm not angry. But I would appreciate you talking to me first before you start lavishing Sam with fancy clothes. Victoria : I thought she looked nice. Brooke : Not the point. What are you doing here? Victoria : I wanted to talk to you about Sam. Brooke : What about Sam? Victoria : I know you care for her deeply, as do I. But I think that you should consider letting her spend time with her birth mother on a more permanent basis. Brooke : And what makes you think that? Victoria : Honey, I've been talking to her. Brooke : Don't "honey" me. You talked to her about this? This is not your business! You had no right! I should have known that nothing good was gonna come of the two of you spending time together. Victoria : What can I say? We get along. Unlike some people that's shall remain nameless. Brooke : You can't do this. Victoria : Do what? Brooke : Try to be the mother to her that you never were to me. Victoria : Last time I checked, I was still your ... Brooke : Don't say it. Anyone who ever wanted to be in my life, Peyton, boys, anyone, you tried to push them all away. You tried to push everyone away, and now you want Sam to leave? Victoria : I don't want Sam to leave. Brooke : Yes, you do! It's why you're lying to my face right now! You're jealous because she wants to be with me. Well, she's not going anywhere.. ...not if I having anything to say about it. Victoria : What's that? Brooke : Adoption papers. Victoria : Brooke ... be careful. I don't want you to get hurt. Brooke : All my life, you have avoided being a mother to me. Do not think for one moment that you get to start now. Sam : What's going on? Victoria : I don't know. Maybe you should ask your mother. Sam : What was that about? Brooke : Sam, I want to talk to you about something -- something...important. You're happy here, right? Sam : Yeah. What's going on? Brooke : I want to adopt you -- for real. I want to make it official and forever. I've given this a lot of thought. I want us to be a family. I know that it's your dream to have that, and I want to give that to you now. So, what do you say? Sam : Yeah. Yeah. Brooke : Okay. What? Sam : I can still see my real mom, right? AT THE BAR Skills : Dude, save some for the second half. Lauren : So, you know, you never really talk about your past relationship. Was it a bad break-up? Skills : Yeah, kind of. I mean, in the end, it was mostly a lifestyle thing. We just didn't see eye to eye on some stuff. Chuck : She was a grandma. Skills : Let's just say she was mature. Lauren : Hey, look, that's cool. It's just, um so we're clear, I prefer younger guys ... younger, bald, athletic guys who like kids. Skills : Yeah, well, you know, that's funny, because my last relationship didn't work because I was too young, bald, athletic. But I do like kids. Chuck : Mom says I shouldn't eat dairy. Skills : Some kids. I do like some kids. Lauren : Oh, no. AT THE GARAGE Haley : All right, Jim-Jam, come on, buddy. We got to go. Jamie : Do I have to? Haley : Yes. Chop-chop. If we hurry, we can call your dad before your bedtime. This is what you guys have been working on? Jamie : Don't tell. It's a surprise for aunt Peyton. Haley : Sorry. Lucas : So, uh, how was the shower? Is she okay? Haley : Yeah. Yeah, I think she really enjoyed herself. How are you doing? You're holding up okay? Lucas : Better now. Haley : Good. Glad to hear it. All right, buddy let's go call your dad. Jamie : Thanks, uncle Lucas. That was fun. Lucas : Yeah, it was. Jamie : Your whole life's in that box. I wish I had one. Lucas : See ya. Haley : Bye. IN THE CAR IN FRONT OF LAUREN'S HOUSE Lauren : He's cute. And you are sweet. Look, I know it wasn't the night you planned, but you were really great with chuck. Skills : Yeah. Well, maybe next time it could just be the two of us. Lauren : I'd like that. Skills : Yeah? Lauren : Yes. Chuck : Naughty, naughty. Skills : I'll take his silly butt home. Lauren : Oh, good night, guys. Skills : Good night. Chuck : She's cool. You should ask her out sometime, coach. Skills : Oh, god. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Can I talk to you? Listen, I didn't mean to ambush you...before. That wasn't right. Sam : It's okay. Brooke : I don't think it is. Sam, I've actually been thinking about this, and I think you should go spend some time with your real mom. You want to, don't you? Sam : Please don't hate me. Brooke : Samantha, I could never hate you. I love you very much. Sam : But you stayed for me. You ... You let go of Julian for me. Brooke : Honey, I was doing what was best for you. And that was true then, and ... I think it's true now. You should go. You know you can always come back here. Sam : How come you're so good to me? Brooke : Because I love you, no matter what. Sam : Can I keep the dress? Brooke : Of course. Sam : It's just, uh... Victoria says I look like a Davis in that dress. Brooke : Honey, you'll always be a Davis to me. Sam : You'll always be my first mom. Brooke : Okay. AT THE GYMNASIUM Mouth : How about that Nathan Scott? Played a pretty great game tonight. The Scout : Honestly, I've never really seen him as a point guard. But I got to say, I was impressed. Kid's got a bright future. Mouth : With the Clippers? AT SKILLS'S APPARTMENT Junk : Hey, what happened? I thought you were ... Skills : Don't say it. You know that annoying kid from my peewee team? Junk : Yeah, the hoser kid? Skills : Yeah. Let's just say I got chucked. Fergie : Damn. Lauren : Hey, I just, uh, realized you forgot something. This! AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : I'm gonna miss you. Sam : I'll miss you, too. Brooke : You know, you always have a home here, no matter what. I love you, Sam. Sam : I love you, too. Victoria : Samantha. Sam : Bye. Victoria : Bye. Brooke : Okay. Bye. Are you crying? Victoria : No. It's this horrible mascara. It's just ... remind me to sue the manufacturer. Brooke : It's our mascara, Victoria. Victoria : What do we do now? Brooke : We have our work to focus on. Victoria : Of course. AT THE GYMNASIUM Nino : Hey, coach. Have you heard anything from The Scout? Bobby : Uh, no. No, not yet. But listen, you guys did all you could out there. And now we just wait for the phone to ring. **'cause all you talk about** **is to see yourself break out** **I've seen you this way before** **life's strange but true** **what are we waiting for?** **It's been long time, nothing new** **something survived here** **you've been working overtime** **how's it feel to lie?** AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria : It's going to be okay, honey. Brooke : I'm fine. We have our work to focus on now. ** Life's strange but true** **What are we waiting for?** **It's been a long time, nothing new** **for a while** **we were living** **it's the pace** **That'll kill you kill** AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : You there's still one thing missing. Peyton : What's that? Lucas : Our wedding photo. Peyton : Really? We can get married right away? Lucas : Sure. Only if the doctor says it's okay. But it's not because of the baby or our situation or... well, any damn thing. I want you to be my wife... 'cause I love you. I love you with all my heart. Peyton : I love you, too. **I'm here**

Brooke and Haley throw Peyton a baby shower, while Sam grows closer to Victoria. Lucas and Jamie bond while working on Peyton's car, and Nathan learns that NBA scouts will be at his next game. Meanwhile, Skills and Lauren go on a date that goes all wrong. Sam leaves Brooke's house to go live with her birth mother. This episode is named after a song by Audioslave .

fd_The_Originals_03x06

fd_The_Originals_03x06_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Freya: If this prophecy is fulfilled, you will all fall... One by friend, one by foe, and one by family. I suspect Niklaus is with your sister. Wherever you go, Aurora follows. I knew you would find me. Hello, my sweet love. I'm here for the same reason Lucien and Tristan are, to protect my sire. I need to know... Where in the hell is Rebekah? Rebekah: I will use the advantages this body has while I search for a way to bring back Kol, and then who knows? Marcel: My guys stayed on Tristan's trail, followed him to a secret storehouse, and you'll never guess who just bought that storehouse. One Lucien Castle. They've been working together the whole time. In the wrong hands, this stuff could destroy the city. Property of Nola PD. Evidence in a murder case. From the forensics from tonight's crime scene, only prints on the victim are yours. Cami O'Connell, you're under arrest. Aurora: In the moments before you asked me to flee with you, I saw your brother. He's lied to us all. And yet I love him. You must only see him as the wretched monster that he truly is. What you did to Aurora, to me. You set my course! You want a fight, so be it. [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: What are you doing over there? Come closer. Klaus: I think it's best you remain out of arm's reach. (Sighs) Aurora: So I take it you've heard about the busy day everyone's had. Let me take away that scowl. I'll tell you everything I know. [SCENE_BREAK] (Church bells ringing) Rebekah: I told you this was better than exchanging stuffy, old letters. Freya: Well, a drink with my sister beats sire line drama any day. Rebekah: Lucien's always been a pain in the ass, though he pails compared to that stuck-up twit Tristan. Freya: Oh, and don't forget about The Strix. There's more of them in the quarter every day. I may yet join you here in the flesh. Rebekah: Well, I would love the company, but I might not be here much longer. I have a meeting with a Santeria witch who may know the key to bringing back Kol. Freya: We may unite the family after all. Rebekah: Now tell me, how are you managing with them? Freya: Oh, Niklaus and Elijah are on intermittent speaking terms, which I've decided to consider progress. Rebekah: Just wait, luv. The weather will change. Now I am off to a witch rendez-vous. Freya: Stay safe. Rebekah: Here's to family, every bloody one of us. Rebekah: A warning, sir. If you're looking for trouble, you might want to think twice. Aya: That's the problem with a witch's body. You can't put up much of a fight when the real monsters come out. [SCENE_BREAK] (Footsteps) Elijah: Aagh! (Thump) Freya: May I ask what happened? Klaus: We had a little chat about the past. Elijah: I politely informed Niklaus that I'm not his enemy, and though they entered the city under the guise of peace, Tristan and Lucien in truth are allied against us, a fact that required a little bit of gentle persuasion. Klaus: And so I reminded our brother who angered them in the first place. Freya: And after all of this civil discourse, what understanding did you come to? Elijah: That we expose and destroy our first sired. Klaus: Couldn't agree with you more. You see, gentlemen know when it's time to call a truce and turn our fury in a more pertinent direction. [SCENE_BREAK] Will: Come on. For someone always giving me an earful, that was a very quite ride. Cami: What do you want me to say, detective? Well done! The streets of New Orleans are safe. Will: What I'd love to hear is a confession. It would make my job easier. Cami: I am not a serial killer, and while you're wasting time with me, the real murderer is still out there. Will: Well, if I'm missing something, show me. Prove to me you're the victim, and I will protect you. Lucien: Ah, ah, ah, ah. A cold-blooded killer? Camille, what a shocking turn of the cards! Cami: (Gasps) Ahh. Will: You should rest. We've got a big day ahead of us. Lucien: There we are. [SCENE_BREAK] Hey, Davina. It's me. I, um... I'm running a little late. I should be there soon. On second thought, I'll be a little longer. (Clattering) You're not very good at tailing, are you? My talents lie elsewhere. Ah! Unh! Aah! (Groans) (Chokes) (Growls) Agh! [SCENE_BREAK] Elijah: Ah, yes. Drinking with Rebekah. Always an adventure. (Grunts) Freya: You seem more annoyed than usual. Elijah: It's Aurora. Her influence frightens me, and yet our hideously deluded brother seems to believe that she might be the key to ending this wretched prophecy. Freya: If she's aligned with her brother, what chance does Nik have? Elijah: None. Still, Niklaus believes that she can be swayed, although his perspective of family loyalty is schizophrenic at best. Freya: Well, I don't get why Lucien and Tristan are working together. Aren't their sire lines direct enemies? Elijah: Well, a mutual lack of goodwill toward our family might not be entirely unjustified. Hatred's a hell of a thing, Freya. Freya: Why? All you did was sire them. They don't seem to be complaining. Elijah... What exactly did you do? Elijah: I compelled Lucien to believe that he was Niklaus, Aurora to believe that she was Rebekah, and Tristan myself... After I'd sired him of course. This had been a period of mayhem for us. It was the 11th century, father was hunting us mercilessly, so I compelled them, and then I told them to run. Freya: You made them bait. Elijah: Not the kindest thing I ever did, if I'm perfectly Frank with you, Freya. So while we found respite in the sleepy, yet charming vineyards of Tuscany, father hunted the decoy Mikaelson children to the far reaches of Europe for the better part of a century. Then we were inconveniently daggered. The compulsion was broken, here we are. How's the head? Freya: Spinning. I don't think it's the hangover. Elijah: Freya, something you must understand about this family. Under threat, we take action, for better or worse, whatever it takes to protect our own. Freya: So you're telling me their days are numbered. Elijah: If indeed they're working against us, yes, without question. Perhaps a little hair of the dog might be more effective, wouldn't you say? What is it? Freya: Something's wrong. We need to call Rebekah now. [SCENE_BREAK] (Jazz playing) Aurora: What a lovely necklace. That emerald would really flatter my eyes, don't you think? Woman: I think my necklace would flatter your eyes. Aurora: Thank you. You shouldn't have. Klaus: Will you be taking candy from a toddler next? Aurora: If I should happen to be in the mood for something sweet. Klaus: Come with me. And don't worry. I promise I won't bite. Aurora: So am I to receive a stern talking to for my poor behavior? Klaus: On the contrary. I've cleared my calendar for the day. I want to show you my city. Aurora: Is this your attempt to discern whose side I'm on. Klaus: I'd love to know whose side you're on, but it would be rude of me to ask such blunt discourse from so beautiful a woman without first buying her lunch. Wouldn't you agree? Aurora: Well, it does seem like most men have lost their manners these days. That shall be lovely. Klaus: Heh. [SCENE_BREAK] (Moans) Lucien: I took the liberty of removing your handcuffs... Unless you're the type that likes to be restrained. Please take it. Consider it an apology for the rough start to our day. I see no reason we cannot begin anew. Cami: I only drink with friends, and, unless this isn't abundantly clear, I don't like you. Lucien: Fair enough. Later on, I Hope you'll remember this all could have gone so much easier. Detective Kinney, come on in and start cutting up the mirepoix. Cami: You compelled him? Kinney: What the hell is going on? Lucien: Why don't you focus on the cutting? We don't want you to lose any fingers while we talk. Did you know that Will's mother's side is full of chefs? He's going to make us his grandmother's Grillades and Grits I took the liberty of texting your nosey friend Vincent on your behalf. After leaving police care without incident, he believes you have a date with "the real housewives" at home in your PJs. Cami: What the hell kind of point are you trying to make? Lucien: Detective, do me a favor. Throw your blade at her pretty face. Cami: Ohh! Lucien: Now that I have your attention, my point is simple. I'm looking for a particular dark object, a small bronze medallion with runic markings. Since you're on vervain, I'm going to ask nicely that you help me find it. Should you refuse, the parlor tricks will get increasingly less fun. Carry on. There's a girl. [SCENE_BREAK] Elijah: She's still not answering. Freya: Touve mon se kavo. Touve mon se kavo. There's nothing to connect to. She's gone. Elijah: What do you mean she's gone? Freya: I can't find her, which means her witch body, her connection to magic, it's as if it just vanished. [SCENE_BREAK] Rebekah: (Gasps) Bloody hell. Rebekah: Not only did you slit my throat, you stole my bloody phone. (Footsteps) Aya: Hello, Rebekah. Rebekah: Aya, of course. Elijah's little protege. Let me guess. You were tasked with finding my Original body, you couldn't do your job, so you did this to my other one to lure me out. Clever but ill-advised. You see, I needed that body, and now you owe me a hell of a lot more than an apology. Aya: I don't owe you anything. I'm here to claim the unattended Mikaelson. I only had chains enough for one of you. Rebekah: Heh. Is that all you brought? Aya: I met your special friend... Marcel Gerard. It's been amusing getting to know him. Maybe I'll send him one of your heads as a souvenir. Rebekah: Enough with the idle chit-chat. Are you gonna throw the first punch or what? Aya: Respect my elders. You first. [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: Mmm. I find the Cajun cuisine almost as delicious as their people. Well done, William. Kinney: Not like I had a choice. Lucien: Hmm. Kinney: The moment I do, I'm gonna use this knife, I'm gonna stab you in the heart. Cami: You couldn't if you tried. You've been compelled to do everything he says. It's like hypnosis. Vampires use it against humans to do their bidding. Kinney: We're using the "V" word now? Great. Might as well embrace the insanity. What else you gonna force us to do? Lucien: Well, Camille here consumes vervain, so I can't force her to do anything, but in exchange for preventing future bloodshed, I'd ask that you find me that pretty, little medallion. Cami: Like I've told you, I have cataloged everything. What you're looking for is not here. Lucien: It's there. Just hidden, built into something else. Find it! Cami: And then what? Some shiny ornament helps you get your revenge on Klaus? Don't tell me this is all because he stole your girl. Lucien: He did a lot more than steal my girl, Camille. He stole 100 years of my life. Now that gives me a thought. Loss is a great motivator. Slice open your arcuate artery. Cami: No! Kinney: Ugh! Lucien: Ooh. That's a nasty wound. He'll bleed out if that's not treated. Tick-tock, Camille. [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: Mmm. That was delicious. Klaus: I aim to please. Aurora: No. Darling, you aim to suck me dry of information, but you fed me well, so I suppose I owe you a favor. What would you like to know? Klaus: Well, it's quite simple really. I find being in your company again wonderfully intoxicating. So my question is do you feel the same? Aurora: Nik, I am not your enemy, nor Rebekah's. After all, she's my sire, but I do hate Elijah, given what he's done to me and to you. Klaus: So you choose to ally with the brother who locked you in a prison and the stable boy who, until now, was always so far beneath you? Aurora: You know, the 3 of us spent one hundred years working together and running together, believing we were the Mikaelsons, and you knew your father. It was no easy task to avoid him, and yet we survived, and when the compulsion ended, it was as if someone had peeled off our skin. We lost everything of who we were and what we'd become in a single moment, and even though we now knew we were little more than an elaborate red herring, Mikael was still after us, so Tristan swore he wouldn't rest until we made you pay. So the 3 of us swore a pact of vengeance. For centuries, we scoured the world looking for weapons that would kill the lot of you, but Lucien and Tristan never quite got over their hatred of one another. Klaus: Seems a little short-sighted. If my family dies, so do all of you. Aurora: Well, that's the beautiful mystery, isn't it? I... I think I'd like dessert. Perhaps you can take me for a walk, show me what it is you like about this strange, little city. [SCENE_BREAK] Hayley: You might remember him from that pretentious excuse for a party. Marcel: Shen Min. 800 years old. According to Tristan, he was a torture consultant for genghis Khan. Hayley: I don't care if he's a gemini who likes long walks on the beach, Marcel. Why was he following me? Marcel: I don't know. Hayley: You don't know, or you're sworn to the code of silence. Marcel: Hey. Easy. We're on the same side here. Hayley: Then prove it. [SCENE_BREAK] Mikaelson blood tracks Mikaelson blood. I should be able to find her. I don't understand. Why bring Rebekah into this? They want all 3 sires. Tristan and Lucien kept us occupied here while they hunted Rebekah. She's strong. She cannot be killed. The prophecy says otherwise. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver. [SCENE_BREAK] Unh! You're a bit out of sorts. Been in a coffin for 6 months. I'm just getting warmed up. Besides, I think I'm in the lead, not that anyone's keeping score. I guess I should be flattered. I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes. Menedek qual suurentaa. (Necks snapping) Not bad. Now what? Run. [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: Hasn't yet. The hunt continues. Cami: How you holding up? Kinney: Well, I'm gushing blood into a bucket because the vampire who kidnapped us doesn't want to stain his floor, so pretty great. Cami: I got you into this mess. The least I can do is stop the bleeding. Kinney: No. Don't beat yourself up. I'm tenacious. Would have gotten into this mess with or without you. Cami: (Gasps) Kinney: I have a feeling you shouldn't come any closer. More tricks from Mr. Transylvania. This is what happened to your brother, isn't it? Your family got mixed up in the supernatural world. Someone made him do something he never would have done. No one should have to go through that. Listen. I... I have a sister. If I don't make it... Cami: No. We're walking out of this. Kinney: At this point, limping out of this is gonna be a challenge. Cami: I still have leverage. I'm the only one who can find what Lucien needs, so let's find it. [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: Why would you bring me here? It's so morbid. Klaus: They call these graveyards The Cities of the Dead, elevated mausoleums meant to honor those who've passed on. It's a very human attempt to overcome fear of mortality by celebrating death. Morbid, certainly, but pure. Aurora: Oh. Pure. Like your intentions. Klaus: My intentions are quite the opposite. How about yours? Aurora: Hmm. You know... Over the long centuries, I would dream of you, my bright light in an ocean of darkness, a kindred whose despair mirrored my own and whose love brought me a joy I had not felt and have never felt since. But if only it were real, this charming stroll through your melancholy preoccupations, but I know it's really an interrogation under the guise of pleasantries. Klaus: My desire for answers is only fair. We are on the brink of war, but if you doubt the veracity of my feelings for you... Then our tour has one final stop. [SCENE_BREAK] Elijah: She can't stay there. Rebekah cannot fight them alone. I tried. She's of no mood to listen. Perhaps you'll have better luck. (Cell phone vibrating) Elijah: It's Marcel. Your timing's perfectly horrendous. Marcel: Yeah? Well, I need your help. Hayley caught one of Tristan's guys tailing her, knocked him out, brought him to the gym for a little Q&A. Problem is, it's Shen Min. Elijah: Marcellus, do I need to remind you that Shen Min was know as the Red Sorrow before he was a vampire? You execute him immediately. Elijah. (Humming) So what, you gonna sleep all day? Elijah: Before he wakes, tear that heart from his chest. Sang bis najitt trouver. Sang bis najitt trouver. Rebekah: It's good to see you, Elijah, even if you're not flesh and blood. Elijah: It's time to come home, Rebekah. Rebekah: No. I'm too close to bringing Kol back. Elijah: You're even closer to bringing about your own destruction. Rebekah: I'm not leaving without that spell. Kol will have to wait, sister. The Strix are making their move. Rebekah: What happened? Elijah: Hayley had an encounter with Shen Min. She and Marcel are dealing with this matter accordingly. Rebekah: What the hell are you doing here? Go and save them before that lunatic gets free! Elijah: Give me your word. Come home now. No detours. Rebekah: Fine, but my niece's mum and that handsome fool better be alive when I get back. Elijah: You make certain she returns. I'll see you tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] Hayley: Hmm. About time. Now we can get started. Shen Min: Yes, we certainly can. Hayley: There's still time. If you talk, maybe I'll even get you healed. Why were you following me? Shen Min: Because we have a use for you, or is it some other reason? You'll never know, and it won't matter because when I get free, I'm going to break your jaw as you did mine and slowly pull your intestines out from your body. Marcel: Hey. How about we just calm down? Shen Min: And you. The others were so pleased when you joined our ranks, but I knew from the start you were filth. You've proven it by siding against us. For that, I will end you, but not before you watch her die, screaming. Marcel: Right. Well, ok. That's about enough of that. Sorry, Hayley. Your turn's over. He's got to die. Unh! Marcel: Take him. Unh! Agh! Agh! Shen Min: How poetic. Two warriors fighting side by side dying together. Unh! (Gasping) Elijah: Are you ok? Marcel: Oh, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. Elijah: Marcellus, next time I ask you to take out the trash... Try not to dally. [SCENE_BREAK] Rebekah, we have to go. I'll get you on the first flight out. Rebekah: I can't give up now, not when the answers to bringing out brother back are just a few streets away. You promised Elijah. Rebekah: And what about my promise to Kol? I've already lost my witch body. I can't go home with nothing. Well, I suppose arguing with you would be a waste of already precious time. Rebekah: See? You're fitting into this family like a glove. [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: So is this your family home? Klaus: Please forgive the detritus. My brother and I had a slight disagreement over you, as a matter of fact. Aurora: Oh! A duel in my honor. How chivalrous, but I'm afraid if this is what you wish to show me, it's... Klaus: If you want to know what's been in my heart for the past few centuries, come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Klaus: Life is like a city, built in layers. No matter what new experiences come along, the foundation remains. (Gasps) Aurora: What is this? Klaus: 200 yeas ago, it was my art studio. It became a tomb for my memory of you. I thought if I painted what haunted me I could free myself of you forever. In all my years, I have never been more wrong about anything. [SCENE_BREAK] Marcel: Between blood loss and that bite, I'm not sure you have enough time to get answers. Elijah: Then let's make the most of it. I have questions. I want answers. Why were you following Hayley? Shen Min: I was ordered to remove her from the playing field. She is an obstacle to the thing we truly want. Elijah: Which is what? Shen Min: Davina Claire. Elijah: What do you want with Davina Claire? Shen Min: Tristan needs her to activate a weapon to use against your family. Elijah: What weapon? Forgive me. I'm having a little difficulty hearing you right now. Speak. Shen Min: I'd... Rather... Die. (Daylight ring clatters) [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: Have you found it yet? Because as far as deadlines go, well, yours seems almost dead. Cami: You've made your point. You win, humans lose. Now let him go. Lucien: So you have found it? Cami: Maybe. I'll only show you if you heal him now. Lucien: Show me first. Cami: Heal him. It's ok. You can drink it. It will heal you. I've checked everywhere else. This is the only place it could be. Lucien: Aah! Ohh! Ohh! I can see why Nik is so fond of you. You do have spirit, but your heart skipped a beat just before I healed your friend. I think you know exactly where my medallion is, you crafty girl. Knife to your throat, mate. Cami: No. Don't do this, please. Lucien: Are you trying to appeal to my merciful side? I hate to tell you, darling, I don't have one. Kinney: Don't give him a damn thing! Lucien: Oh, enough! Go on. Slit your... Cami: Wait! Take it. Just take it. It's in here. Lucien: Heh. Had it all along. How about that? Turns out we make quite a team. [SCENE_BREAK] (Moroccan music playing) Rebekah: There it is. This has got to be it. Freya: If you were told to meet this witch here, where is she? Rebekah: Doesn't matter to me as long as I get what I need. This is it. This is the spell. It makes perfect sense. Now all we need is Kol's ashes and the blood of two siblings. Freya: Rebekah, we need to go now. (Door opens) Rebekah: Took you long enough. Mithil rata dans hofos. Mithil rata dans hofos. Mithil rata dans hofos. What the hell is going on? Aya: A fitting end to a spoiled bitch. Rebekah: (Grunts) Clearly you didn't get the hint earlier. You can't beat me! Aya: Maybe not, but she can. Lem duree mohana. No! Gratuit fra loke! (Voices whispering) No. No. Aya: Your magic has no power here. Only our witch can cast spells. How tragic, that you and your sister must say your farewells like this. I can't decide. Should I make you watch as she screams for mercy or leave you wondering just how badly she suffered? If you hurt her, I will rip your l... unh! Rebekah: You lured me all this way, and the whole time, it was a lie. Aya: Not at all. The spell is very real. I wanted to enjoy the look on your face when I took it from you. Not to worry, luv. This won't kill you. It's just meant to put you to sleep for a very, very long time. Rebekah: And when I wake up, you will be the first person that I kill. Aya: I won't hold my breath, but you're more than welcome to try. (Grunting) Aya: Now time to get you back to New Orleans. [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: He cooks, and he cleans! He's a real keeper, this one. Aw. Sadly, it was not meant to be. Now you will go and tell your superiors you arrested the wrong suspect. Kinney: You can compel me all you want. I will find you. Lucien: No, you won't. Instead, you'll keep up this wretched failure that is your life. You'll continue with this pitiful investigation, never quite connecting the dots or making any progress whatsoever. After a time, you'll grow to hate yourself for your mediocre talent, all the while knowing there are things lurking in the shadows, and in the face of these, you are nothing. Cami: Don't do this. Lucien: Oh, don't look so chagrined. Eh, once the vervain's out your system, I'll compel you to forget, as well, but like him, I will leave you with one lesson. Against vampires, humans always lose. [SCENE_BREAK] (Perfume Genius' "I decline" playing) ♪ I can see for miles ♪ (Gasps) ♪ The same old line ♪ (Sighs) Hayley: There was a time when all I wanted was to find my family. It consumed me, and then once I did, as crazy as it is, all I wanted was a home, and New Orleans is that home... And The Strix are trying to take that, aren't they? Elijah: No. We won't let them. (Footsteps) Marcel: Might be harder than you think. Elijah: Where is Rebekah? We need to call Klaus. Perfume Genius: ♪ that's all right ♪ ♪ I decline ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: What are you doing over there? Come closer. Klaus: I think it's best you remain out of arm's reach. Aurora: (Sighs) So I take it you've heard about the busy day everyone's had. Let me take away that scowl. I'll tell you everything I know. Klaus: I suggest you speak quickly. Aurora: There is a weapon in play, a dangerous, cursed device called The Serratura. It is capable of producing an unbreakable boundary. My brother and Lucien want to use it to lock you and your siblings away forever so that no one may harm you, but to do so, they need all 3 of you in one place. Klaus: Which is why they sent a legion of Strix to collect my sister. Aurora: But not to worry, my love. I took measures to ensure that Rebekah isn't held by those nasty Strix for long. Klaus: What measures? Aurora: While they did acquire Rebekah's body, I wasn't about to let them keep it, so I enacted a plan of my own. Unbeknownst to my brother, two of the men sent to retrieve her were from my sire line, loyal to me... And on my behalf, they procured your sister's body. So don't worry, my love. Rebekah is perfectly safe. You have my word. Now... Come back to bed.

When Elijah and Freya realize that Rebekah may be the target of The Strix's latest plan, they do whatever it takes to protect her. Elsewhere, Klaus spends time with Aurora to figure out where her loyalties lie, while a dangerous run-in with a member of The Strix leads Hayley and Marcel to make an unsettling discovery. Finally, an elaborate scheme created by Lucien leaves Cami faced with a difficult decision to make and Detective Kinney fighting for his life.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_02x07

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_02x07_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - BARBARY COAST HOTEL-- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUV - NIGHT] (A speeding SUV peals around the corner.) (Cut to a train running on the tracks.) (Cut to the SUV speeding down the road. MEGAN TREADWELL, the driver of the SUV, looks to the side and notices the train. She hears the train whistle blow. Still, she steps on the gas, hoping to beat the train across the track.) Megan Treadwell: (urgently) Come on, come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on! (The train crossing bell ring a warning. The train is approaching.) (The SUV brakes screech. The train approaches. MEGAN TREADWELL steps of the breaks again, the car tires screech and still her car moves forward. Her car moves forward slowly, slowly through the crossing guard rail.) (The SUV stops on the tracks. The train approaches. MEGAN TREADWELL looks out the car window and screams as the train smashes into her car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT] (Scene opens with a close up of a power saw cutting through the SUV door.) (CATHERINE approaches the scene carrying her CSI kit. BRASS turns around when CATHERINE reaches him and starts filling her in on the case.) Brass: Paramedics pronounced twenty minutes ago. Megan Treadwell. I ran her plates. Thirty-three tomorrow. Catherine: One-on-one with a train. Did she think that she could beat it? (CATHERINE looks at BRASS, then heads toward GRISSOM, who is checking the train out. She puts her kit down.) Catherine: Hey. (GRISSOM is busy looking at something on the front of the train. CATHERINE leans in for a better look.) Catherine: Door handle. Grissom: Point of impact: Passenger-side door. Catherine: Dead center. (They look on the side as Forensics carry the bagged body away on a gurney.) Grissom: Question is: Why did the SUV cross the tracks? Catherine: (deadpans) To get to the other side. (GRISSOM looks at CATHERINE.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TRAIN TRACKS -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE walks down the steps of TRAIN #4009. When she gets to the ground, GRISSOM is on his cell phone. He hangs up.) Grissom: Sheriff says we're holding up trains all over the country. This entire railroad division depends on keeping the main line open. Catherine: Well, it's not like we can take this back to the garage. Grissom: Well, unfortunately, his priority is clearing this train from the tracks. You have two hours. (GRISSOM turns to leave. CATHERINE calls out to him.) Catherine: Where are you going? Grissom: Suspicious circs in town. This one's all yours. Catherine: Thanks, but you got to give me some guys. Grissom: Sara's all you get. Catherine: All I need. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM enters the library. He's met up by DET. RAY O'RILEY, who fills him in on the scene. In the background, the alarm continues to ring.) O'Riley: "Burglary in progress" call. Once we made entry, we found the victim downstairs. Never knew this place existed. (O'RILEY and GRISSOM continue down the stairs to the lower level.) Grissom: The Western States Historical Society. It's not on a lot of tourist maps. (The alarm stops ringing.) Det. Ray O'Riley: I had them cut the wires. Grissom: We need to identify the source of the alarm, Ray. Security company said it was downstairs. The body's there, too. (DET. O'RILEY opens the door and walks in. GRISSOM follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (O'RILEY and GRISSOM enter the lower room.) O'Riley: (looking up at the ceiling) Trying to get them to turn some more lights on in here. Grissom: There are no more lights, O'Riley. It's a controlled environment. Notice how you're not sweating? It's probably sixty-six degrees in here. Thirty-five percent relative humidity. Too much light, too much heat degrades the books. (In front of them, two firemen cut try to cut the lock on the cage.) Grissom: What-- nobody's got a key? O'Riley: The curator's across town. He's on his way. She looks dead to me. (The firemen put the cutters away and one gets out a power saw. He starts cutting the lock.) (The door is unlocked. The fireman opens the door and GRISSOM steps aside for the paramedics.) Grissom: You got first touch. (The two paramedics enter the cage. They put their cases down and work on the woman on the floor. GRISSOM also walks inside after them and kneels in close to look at the body.) Medic: 10:48. MEDIC: Red foam, blue tint. Grissom: Foam could be from blood in her lungs. Edema. Skin is cyanotic. Maybe a blood disease. Leukemia. Meningitis. We'll know after the post. (GRISSOM stands and gets out his camera. He starts to take pictures of the body. The camera flashes several times. Behind GRISSOM, outside the cage, a young man protests.) Aaron Pratt: Don't do that. Grissom: (turns around) Excuse me? Aaron Pratt: These are very rare books. Det. Ray O'Riley: Aaron Pratt. Librarian. Only other person here when the alarm sounded. Grissom: Did he tell you what he was doing here? O'Riley: Oh, yeah. Watching her. Set off the alarm, trying to get in the cage. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM questions the Librarian, AARON PRATT.) Aaron Pratt: I wasn't watching her. I always say "good night" to Veronica because I have to leave at 8:03 to catch the 8:10 bus. It's three blocks away. And sometimes the bus comes at 8:08, so I have to rush to catch it. Grissom: So you went down to the basement to say good night. Aaron Pratt: "Good night, Veronica." "Good night, Aaron." Sometimes she ... w-walks me to the bus. Grissom: Did she walk you to the bus tonight? Aaron Pratt: "Are you coming?" "No. You go ahead without me. I have more work to do." (AARON gets very serious as he remembers what happens next.) Aaron Pratt: Then ... a uniball pen ... (Quick flashback to a camera close up of VERONICA BRADLEY'S hand holding the pen and the pen slipping out from her fingers. This happens in slow motion. The pen falls. The pen rolls across the table.) Aaron Pratt: (V.O.) rolled across the desk ... fell onto the chair ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Aaron Pratt: ... hit the floor ... (Quick flashback to the pen still rolling in slow motion.) Aaron Pratt: (V.O.) and stopped rolling at the wastebasket. (The pen stops rolling. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Aaron Pratt: Then water ... water falls into her eyes. Grissom: You mean she was sweating? Aaron Pratt: From her forehead. (Quick flashback to a veil of water falling from VERONICA'S forehead past her eyes.) Aaron Pratt: (V.O.) Lots ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Aaron Pratt: ... and then, she grabs her stomach ... with both hands. (Quick flashback to VERONICA BRADLEY dropping the book and clutching her abdomen.) Veronica Bradley: Aaron ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Aaron Pratt: ... "Aaron" ... Then she put on her new face. Shelley's Frankenstein. Up and d-down ... flopping around like ... (Quick flashback to VERONICA BRADLEY falling to the floor in seizures.) Aaron Pratt: (V.O.) ... a salmon on my uncle's fishing boat. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: She was convulsing. Aaron Pratt: I ... couldn't help her ... because the cage is locked and I don't have a key. (NICK approaches the table.) Nick: Hey, there. Warrick's got three residential burglaries, so ... Grissom: Mr. Pratt, will you excuse me for a moment? (NICK and GRISSOM walk to the back of the room..) Nick: According to O'Riley this guy's body language says he's guilty. Grissom: I think he's autistic. Nick: Autistic? You mean like Rain Man? Grissom: Rain Man was a savant. Extremely rare. Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right-brain ability. Nick: Kind of sounds like you. Grissom: The crime scene's in the basement. (NICK leaves to go to the basement.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY BY CRASH SITE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE and SARA walk side-by-side with their eyes glued to the road trying to look for evidence.) Sara: Man, I hate rushing through a crime scene. Two years from now, no one is going to care that the Sheriff turned this into a "scoop and run." Catherine: Call was made above our heads. Just document the time in your notes. Sara: Yeah, well, I'll let you testify on this one. Catherine: Thanks. (Off to the side of the road, a little dog comes running toward them. Both CATHERINE and SARA kneel to get the dog.) Catherine: Aw ... Sara: Hey, little guy. Hey. Hey. Let's see. (SARA checks his collar.) Sara: His name is Maverick. He lives on Martingale Street in Henderson. Catherine: That's not that far from here. Sara: Guess I'll go call animal control. Catherine: Okay. Sara: I'll be right back. (SARA picks up the dog.) Sara: Hey. Come on, boy. Let's get you home. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY BY CRASH SITE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS questions the TRAIN ENGINEER.) Brass: So let me get this straight, all you saw was a car trying to beat the signal? Train Engineer: I'm putting 55 miles an hour. It's dark. I got an oil leak, can't figure out where. I looked up and I saw something. Brass: The SUV. Train Engineer: Like I said, it was dark. I thought it was stopping. I turned my head for one second. Next thing I know, it's in the middle of the tracks. With all due respect we've got the right of way out here. Brass: Thanks for your time. (BRASS nods. The TRAIN ENGINEER leaves. SARA walks up to BRASS carrying MAVERICK in her arms.) Brass: That's not yours, is it? Sara: I am collecting evidence. Do we have an address on the vic yet? Brass: 855 Martingale. Sara: Vic had a passenger. Say hello to Maverick. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks into the room. ROBBINS is washing his hands. He turns off the faucet.) Grissom: Have you finished with our lady of the library? Robbins: As finished as I'm going to be. You were right. Cyanosis. Blood was unable to oxygenate her tissue. (Quick CGI POV as the camera travels to the deceased's face. The deceased's head rises and eyes open. The camera continues down her mouth as it opens slightly. It travels down her wind pipe where the muscles closes the passage. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: Explains the blue face. Underlying cause? Robbins: With blood in her lungs, asphyxiation's out. I found vomit in her throat, bloody stool, hemolysis and some irritation of the mucous membrane on her tongue. I won't know more till I get the blood test back. Could be blood-borne disease. Grissom: I'm thinking about homicide. Robbins: Then you know more than I do. (ROBBINS looks at GRISSOM who's looking at the body. GRISSOM looks up at ROBBINS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) - THE CAGE -- NIGHT] (NICK is in the cage dusting for prints on the books. In the background, a well-dressed man descends the stairs.) Officer: Excuse me, sir. Stanley Hunter: It's fine. Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sir, you can't come in here. Stanley Hunter: I told the officer upstairs. I'm Stanley Hunter. (At NICK'S blank look, he continues.) Stanley Hunter: The curator. Do you have any idea the damage you're causing? With your dust, flashbulbs. You see that? (STANLEY HUNTER points to a book behind NICK. He walks forward toward it to emphasize it's importance.) Stanley Hunter: Right there, behind you. That is a 17th century text by Johannes Van Den Avelen. It's one of two volumes in the world. Now, do you go to the Louvre and put your hands all over the Raft of the Medusa? Nick: Officer, Mr. Hunter would like to give a statement to Detective O'Riley. Stanley Hunter: Statement? Nick: Mm-hmm. (Behind them, DET. O'RILEY and GRISSOM enter the room and stand just outside the cage as STANLEY HUNTER continues to talk to NICK.) Stanley Hunter: I just got here. I don't even know what happened. But what I do know is that these are masterpieces. One of a kind. Grissom: They're evidence in an active criminal investigation -- also one of a kind. Det. O'Riley: Mr. Hunter, why don't we go upstairs and talk? (STANLEY HUNTER leaves with DET. O'RILEY. GRISSOM puts his gloves on and looks around the room.) (From a round POV, he views the table to the chair to the floor and he sees the pen near the wastebasket. GRISSOM walks over to it and picks it up. He looks at it.) Grissom: The good news, Nick? We had a camera in here. Nick: There's no surveillance system. Grissom: Yeah, there is -- Aaron Pratt. We just have to figure out how to get the film out of his head. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY BY CRASH SITE - NIGHT] (The tow truck takes the damaged SUV away. CATHERINE and SARA continue to take photographs of the crime scene.) (Between evidence markers #16 and #17, there's a piece of glass. CATHERINE picks it up and looks at it.) Catherine: Filament. Sara: Train probably busted out her headlights. First thing on our list when we get to the tow yard. (SARA looks at the treadmarks on the road. Something puzzles her about it.) Sara: Catherine ... check this out. (SARA snaps a photo of it.) Catherine: Two sets of skid marks. Sara: One set going forward ... (Quick flashback to the SUV stopping and skidding to a stop. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: These skid marks are about seven feet shy of the gate. (SARA walks over to the next set of skid marks between evidence markers #18 and Sara: The second set of skid marks are darker more rubber residue. Catherine: Could be an overlay. (SARA snaps several photos.) Sara: Looks like the tires were spinning in place. (Quick flashback to the SUV burning rubber. Cut to a close up of the tires running in reverse.) Sara: (V.O.) In reverse. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Burning rubber. Going nowhere. Sara: So ... which set of skid marks are telling the story? Catherine: Maybe they both are. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) - THE CAGE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM is questioning STANLEY HUNTER inside the cage.) Grissom: So, all of your chemicals in here are alkaline? Stanley Hunter: We're not dealing with the far ends of the ph range. See, old book pages are slightly acidic. The acid eats away the paper. We neutralize them by a solution that's slightly basic. Grissom: To reach "7," the neutral ph. Stanley Hunter: Exactly. Imidazole. Fifteen percent ammonia. That's the sort of thing we work with here. It's all about preserving the books. No, not that you could even assign a value but do you have any idea how much each of these books is worth? Grissom: No. Stanley Hunter: The first printed book was a Gutenberg Bible. It sold at Christie's for $5.3 million. Lewis and Clark's elk skin journal sold for $500,000. We have an illustrated Audubon, The Birds of America, which is worth an estimated $30,000. Grissom: All of that and you never thought about beefing up your security? Stanley Hunter: You know, special collections are kept in the vault. Any rare book removed from the vault gets scanned through a coder. If the book is to be read it's delivered to a secure room upstairs. And if Veronica was going to work on it, it stayed down here. Grissom: Is this one of the books that Veronica was restoring? Stanley Hunter: Yes. It ... it was published in 1797. The author was a British Botanist. It's worth an estimated $300,000. It's really not a dangerous profession. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) -- NIGHT] (AARON PRATT reshelves books. DET. O'RILEY walks up to GRISSOM.) Det. O'Riley: We got a situation. You know that weird guy? Grissom: He's not weird, O'Riley, he's autistic. Det. O'Riley: Whatever. First on the scene, and he's got sticky fingers. (DET. O'RILEY hands GRISSOM a book.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM stands next to AARON PRATT as he works.) Grissom: "But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve / for daws to peck at. I am not what I am." Aaron Pratt: Othello, act one, scene one. Line 61 and 62, Iago to Roderigo. Grissom: Very good, Aaron. Now, you want to tell me how Othello ended up in your briefcase? (AARON looks around.) Aaron Pratt: It's my ... favorite Shakespeare tragedy. Grissom: I like Hamlet myself. And I bet Mr. Hunter is into King Lear. He's very concerned with property rights. He tells me the rare books are kept in the vault and they're not allowed off-site. Aaron Pratt: Mr. Hunter doesn't like me. Det. Ray O'Riley: I don't think the rule was made with you in mind. Aaron Pratt: He breaks the rules all the time. Grissom: He takes the books home? Aaron Pratt: No. He... eats his lunch in his office. Carrots, celery tuna on whole wheat ... and Veronica. Grissom: What do you mean, "and Veronica"? Aaron Pratt: She's eating and he takes her sandwich ... (Quick series of flashbacks. Veronica sighing as STANLEY HUNTER kisses her neck. Cut to his hands on her breasts. Cut to his hands running down her thighs. Cut to them kissing at his desk. In the background near the door, AARON PRATT watches.) Aaron Pratt: (V.O.) and he puts his hand on her breast. And then he puts his tongue ... Grissom: (V.O.) (interrupting) Aaron ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: I get it. Did they know that you were watching them? (AARON PRATT looks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DUMP SITE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE and SARA check the SUV out after it's been towed. SARA notices something.) Sara: Hey, you know that filament you picked up? Catherine: Yeah. Sara: The lamp cover's smashed, but the filament's intact. Catherine: So what, the filament's from another car? Sara: Well, taillights have different filaments, so ... yeah. (CATHERINE kneels to examine the back bumper. She finds something.) Catherine: Paint transfer. Sara: Recent? Catherine: Hard to say. (SARA peers inside the car and notices a bag of gourmet doggie treats from "Vegas Finest". They're Bac'n'Chees flavored. SARA gets into the front seat of the car.) Catherine: You know, this right rear tire's lost a lot of rubber. (SARA finds a cell phone on the driver side floor. She checks it out.) Sara: I got a cell phone. Battery's dead. (SARA also notices something else strange.) Sara: Hey, Catherine ... her emergency brake is still on. Catherine: Maybe her brakes failed or she had to engage it for some reason you know, I'm thinking that maybe another vehicle was involved. Sara: Engineer didn't mention anything about a second driver. Catherine: Maybe he didn't see it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY TO LAB -- NIGHT] (ROBBINS walks down the hallway to the lab where NICK is testing the chemical bottles from the cage. ROBBINS enters the room.) Robbins: Fifteen minutes before my next post. Bottled chemicals from the library? (NICK nods his head.) Robbins: Hey. Great room. Great table. I could use this. Lay out all the body parts. Get a real overview. Is that a light under there? Nick: Do you have something for me? Robbins: Oh, your vic. Poisoned. Substance as yet unidentified. Nick: Well, there's no smoking gun in any of these bottles. What's on the label is what's in the bottle. Isopropyl alcohol ... 15% ammonia solution ... imidazole ... bleach. (NICK gets up and walks to the doorway.) Robbins: When you isolate the toxin you'll have a better idea where it came from. Nick ... Nick: Hmm? (NICK turns around.) Robbins: I love this table. (NICK smiles and nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA is looking at the filament that they found on the road. CATHERINE is fiddling with the cell phone.) Sara: There's no glass on the filament. Catherine: 10:30 at night? Sara: Crim 101. If a guy's driving along at night with his lights on ... (Quick CGI POV to loud tire screetching. The camera heads toward the light glass, through the light and down to the filament. A piece of glass melts.) Sara: (V.O.) gets in a wreck, glass breaks fuses to the filament. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Instant evidence. But there's no glass on the filament. His headlights weren't on. (CATHERINE stands up and walks to the scope to look.) (Cut to the scope view of the filament with no glass melted on it. CATHERINE thinks about it for a moment.) Catherine: Black car ... headlights off. Sara: Easy for an engineer to miss. Catherine: So he hit our SUV. Accidental or intentional? Sara: Hard to tell. Catherine: Maybe not. (CATHERINE looks down at the cell phone in her hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AARON PRATT'S RESIDENCE] (AARON PRATT straightens a picture on the wall, then turns and watches as GRISSOM and NICK go through his things. GRISSOM looks through the books and NICK is looking through his mail.) Grissom: These books are from the Historical Society. Aaron Pratt: (nervous) That's my mail. Grissom: Aaron, what about these books? Aaron Pratt: Don't ... don't mix those up. (AARON grabs the mail from NICK and puts them back on the shelf.) Aaron Pratt: I have two bills due tomorrow -- gas and electric -- and I have to mail them on my way to work. Don't. (NICK calmly picks the mail up to continue to look through them. AARON grabs them from him again.) Aaron Pratt: (frustrated) You're messing everything up. (GRISSOM walks over to them.) Grissom: (interrupting) Aaron, may I have a glass of water, please? Aaron Pratt: (immediately) Of course you may. Grissom: Thank you. (AARON leaves to go to the kitchen.) Nick: Is this guy the real deal? Grissom: I think he's incapable of deception, Nick. We're just witnessing displaced anxiety. I mean, look around. Everything's in precise order. Nick: Organized by size. Grissom: Order provides comfort. His life is based on routine. Without it, he can't function. Nick: I'll check out the bedroom. (AARON returns and hands GRISSOM a glass of water.) Aaron Pratt: Mountain spring water, Calistoga, California. Bottled at the source. Grissom: Thank you. Aaron Pratt: You're welcome. (GRISSOM holds up a couple of books.) Grissom: Now, how did these books get here? (AARON grabs the books from GRISSOM and reshelves them in its proper order.) Aaron Pratt: Veronica brought them. Grissom: She was here. Aaron Pratt: Yes, she was here. We date. Grissom: What do you mean you date? Aaron Pratt: We have dinner -- roast beef, baked potato ... organic broccoli ... acacia pinot noir. Shakespeare in Love. DVD. Miramax. M-c-m-x-c-v-I-I-I. (Cut to NICK going through AARON PRATT'S dresser drawers.) (Cut back to AARON PRATT seeing NICK in the bedroom and starting toward him. GRISSOM stops him.) Grissom: You two were involved with each other? (AARON turns around.) Aaron Pratt: Why? Don't you think she would date someone like me? Grissom: No. You told me Veronica was involved with Mr. Hunter. Aaron Pratt: I have a masters in library science and an English Degree from UNLV. And some people like Mr. Hunter, treat me like a freak. But Veronica didn't. She ... loved me. Not him. (In the background, NICK stops searching the drawers and starts back toward GRISSOM.) Nick: Grissom. You might want to come back here a sec. (GRISSOM hands the glass of water back to AARON.) Grissom: Thank you. (AARON takes the water and smiles.) [BEDROOM] (NICK leads GRISSOM back to the bedroom dresser and pulls aside a piece of cloth. Under it is a lipstick, a pair of earrings, a couple of photos and a hair brush.) Nick: Personal effects. Like some creepy little shrine. Vic's hair. She was seeing Hunter. Aaron got jealous. Incapable of deception, huh? How do you feel about murder? (GRISSOM picks up a photo of VERONICA BRADLEY.) Grissom: "Yet she must die else she betray more men. Put out the light, and then put out the light." (He turns around to look at AARON PRATT standing in the living room behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (CATHERINE and SARA watch as ARCHIE JOHNSON works his magic on the 911 tape.) Archie Johnson: Last call on her cell phone was to 911. Reel to reel's already interfaced on my computer. (Start tape recording.) Dispatcher: (tape) 911, what's your emergency? Megan Treadwell: (tape) Oh, god, you've got to help me, please, help me. Dispatcher: (tape) Ma'am, try to calm down. Where are you? Megan Treadwell: (tape) I'm in my car. There's this maniac, he's following me ... Dispatcher: (tape) Ma'am, what's your location? Megan Treadwell: (tape) Help me, please! (End of tape recording.) Catherine: Can you isolate the individual tracks? Archie Johnson: Yes, ma'am. Catherine: Good. Lose the dog. Sara: Train, too, please. (ARCHIE turns off "TRACK 1: DOG" and "TRACK 2: TRAIN". He leaves "TRACK 3: VICTIM", "TRACK 4: DISPATCH" and "TRACK 5: CAR" on.) (Start tape recording.) Dispatcher: (tape) Ma'am, what's your location? Megan Treadwell: (tape) Help me, please! Oh, my god! (End tape recording.) Catherine: She was flooring it. Sara: With the emergency brake on? It doesn't make any sense. Catherine: Okay, lose the victim's voice and let's just hear the car. (He runs the track for a third time.) Archie Johnson: Two engines. Catherine: Separate them out. (He separates the remaining TRACK into two TRACKS. They run the tape again.) Archie Johnson: SUV -- sounds like any regular four-cylinder. (ARCHIE fiddles with the panel and runs the tape again.) Sara: Sounds like the same thing. Archie Johnson: Hang on. (ARCHIE runs the tape for a final time.) Archie Johnson: You hear that? Turbo. Probably diesel. (That's enough to confirm that there definitely was a second car there. CATHERINE leaves without a word. ARCHIE and SARA watch.) Sara: She definitely likes you. (SARA pats ARCHIE on the shoulder and leaves to follow CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GREG is reading the test results.) Greg: You ever see the attack of the killer tomatoes? (NICK is also in the lab. GREG shows the results to NICK.) 'Cause there's something in the victim's blood that looks like one of those heirlooms. Nick: Well, it's not pulling a spectra. It's not a chemical. Greg: No, it's a large, ugly, globular mass. You know, it's probably a protein 'cause it's the largest mass of anything in the body-- except organs, of course. Nick: But it's foreign. How did it get in there? Greg: Cart before the horse, Nick. First you identify it then you figure out where it came from. (GREG walks to the cabinet and removes a thick book. He leaves through the book and finds what he's looking for.) Nick: I always thought you kept your p0rn in there. Greg: I move it around. Okay, now, this is a 66-kilodalton globular protein, composed of two disulfide-linked sub-units, a and B. Nick: Very impressive. Greg: And I know what you all think of me -- I'm just another pretty face who got to where I am by sleeping with Catherine. (GREG starts to draw on the clearboard to illustrate to NICK what he's looking at.) Greg: But seriously ... Phi Beta Kappa, Stanford. Can I help it if I'm hip? Nick: Yeah, yeah, which one of your relatives got you in? Greg: Full ride. Hey, eyes forward. A and B chains link together to form a large three-dimensional structure of these beta sheets and helices. Nick: Translation ... Greg: Wait! Nick: You just drew the molecular structure of a foreign protein. A Plant? Greg: Correct. But, more specifically, a lectin. (GREG goes back to the book and looks it up. He gasps.) Greg: This is nastier than I thought. It's ricin, a biotoxin. Nick: Biotoxin? Greg: Yeah. (reading) "B chain binds to glycoside residues which trigger endocytotic uptake of the protein which internalizes the toxin and begins the irreversible effects ... " Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop now. Biotoxin, as in anthrax, smallpox? I was at that crime scene for eight hours, man. Greg: Relax, man. It takes, like, two hours for ricin symptoms to show and, like, 48 more to kill you. Nick: (worried) What kind of symptoms are we talking about, here? Greg: Um ... sweats? Cramps? Nick: No. Greg: Convulsions? Nick: Mm-mm. [Translation: No.] Greg: Then you're fine. Greg: And where did you say this woman worked? Nick: Western State Historical Society. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM walks in through the double doors and catches ROBBINS.) Grissom: Hey. (ROBBINS looks up and stops.) Grissom: I just got the word on our library victim. How does ricin grab you? Robbins: Well, ricin. I never would have gone there but it explains the irritation of the mucous membrane on her tongue. (Quick POV flash to the victim with her mouth open and tongue hanging out to show a close up of the irritation. End of POV.) Grissom: So you think she ate the poison. Robbins: I don't know about ate but the ricin made contact with the tongue which means you're probably looking for a powder. (GRISSOM nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) - THE CAGE] (A couple of suited up guys return back to the cage. NICK puts his CSI kit down, opens it and takes out a large piece of equipment.) (Dissolve to Inside the Cage where NICK gathers and bags anything that looks like powder. (Dissolve to NICK bagging some small glass containers and handing them to the other guy there with him. He turns to continue looking.) (Several dissolves as NICK looks.) (Dissolve to NICK opening up VERONICA BRADLEY 'S make-up compact.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (CATHERINE walks into the lab. SARA is already there where she has the contents of MEGAN TREADWELL'S car spread out in front of her on the table.) Catherine: Day in the life. Sara: Megan Treadwell wakes up at home on Martingale street puts the dog in the car, heads to work at her desk by 9:00 A.M. Catherine: We know this how? Sara: Brass. Talked to her boss. Catherine: Why the dog? Sara: Dog went with her, every day. Catherine: So she works till six? Sara: Eight, actually. Hard worker. Catherine: Finishes packs up and leaves the office. Sara: Except she doesn't go home. She runs an errand. I found these in the front seat of her SUV. There's only one store in Las Vegas that makes them. (SARA lifts up the bag of Bac'n'Cheez doggie treats from "Vegas' Finest.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE PET PLACE -- NIGHT] (SARA, CATHERINE and BRASS question the workers there.) Worker 1 (red-haired): Yeah, it happens all the time. Parking spaces are too narrow, and at a premium now that the restaurant moved in. This guy was out of line, almost... psycho. Brass: Because of this woman? (BRASS holds out a photo of MEGAN TREADWELL. The worker immediately knows her by her dog.) Worker 1 (red-haired): Yeah. Maverick's owner. I think her name was, um, something with an M. Sara: Megan. (CATHERINE is in the back looking around the shop. She turns around when she hears Megan's name.) Worker 1 (red-haired): Yeah. And this guy yelled so loud. I came out here just to check it out. He said something like ... Worker 2 (dark-haired): "You could have kill me, bitch!" I heard it, too. Brass: Did you see it? Worker 2 (dark-haired): Kind of. I mean, I didn't hear a crash or anything, just brakes. It seemed like she backed out, didn't see him. Happened right over there. (The WORKER points to a place outside in the parking lot. CATHERINE and SARA book look at the direction.) (Quick flashback to MEGAN in her car and starting her car. Cut to MR. CROFT walking past the car as it slowly backs up.) Mr. Croft: Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: And that set him off. Worker 2 (dark-haired): The last thing this guy needed was coffee. (Quick flashback resumes as MR. CROFT and MEGAN TREADWELL start yelling at each other.) Mr. Croft: Hey! Megan Treadwell: What? Mr. Croft: Pull your head out of your ass and use your mirror! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Was he a regular? Worker 2 (dark-haired): Double latte, tall Monday through Friday between 8:30 and 9:00. Brass: Does Mr. Double Latte have a name? Worker 2 (dark-haired): I think it's Croft. Works right down the street - CPA. He's always telling us how to streamline our business. Sara: How did Megan react to Mr. Croft? Worker 1 (red-haired): She told him to go to hell. (Quick flashback to MEGAN and MR. CROFT yelling at each other.) Megan Treadwell: Go to hell! Mr. Croft: No, you go to hell! (MEGAN drives off.) Mr. Croft: You're an ass! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Worker 2 (dark-haired): And then just drove off. Catherine: And what about Mr. Croft? Worker 1 (red-haired): Everyone was just staring at him and then he got in his car and peeled out. (SARA nods her head slowly. CATHERINE turns to look at SARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM is reading up on ricin. He has the book open flat on the table to a page with a picture on it. GREG walks in.) Greg: Ricinus communis. Castor beans, like castor oil. Grissom: Well, botanically speaking, it's a spurge, not a bean. Ricin is made from the husk. Castor oil is made from what's inside. Greg: Hmm, which makes two people who know that -- you and the guy who wrote the book. Grissom: Three, actually. Someone knew how to turn this spurge into a poison. (NICK walks into the room.) Nick: Hey, guys. That's Aaron's book, right? Grissom: Mm-hmm. Nick: Shouldn't you be looking at that under a fume hood? Grissom: We brought this from his apartment, not his office. Nick: What makes you think there's a difference? He probably cooked up that ricin in his kitchen. Grissom: Our guys didn't find anything there. Nick: So he cleans up well. What, you're not feeling sorry for this guy, now, are you? Greg: Hey, man, he is autistic. Nick: Anybody else would be in a cell right now. (GRISSOM looks at NICK who definitely has a point. GRISSOM grabs his jacket and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] (GRISSOM and O'RILEY question AARON PRATT.) Aaron Pratt: Yes, I've heard of ricin. Georgy Markov, 1978. Bulgarian political refugee in London assassinated by injection with a ricin pellet shot out of a black umbrella. Died two days later. Grissom: Not that different from the way Veronica died, is it? (GRISSOM stands. He carries the book to AARON and puts it on the table open to the page on Ricinus Communis.) Grissom: I found this book in your apartment. What if I also told you that I found your fingerprint on this page? Aaron Pratt: Page 153. I don't touch that book anymore. Grissom: But you did touch it. Aaron Pratt: Why are you mad at me? O'Riley: Answer the question. Aaron Pratt: I don't touch this book anymore. It doesn't feel right. O'Riley: Ever since you killed Veronica. Aaron Pratt: I loved Veronica. (GRISSOM sits down next to AARON.) Grissom: What do you mean, it doesn't feel right? Aaron Pratt: Like a new bus pass. Smooth. Feel the page. It used to feel like my bus pass after a month. Now ... it's rough. Grissom: Did you tell anyone that the illustrations felt different? Aaron Pratt: Yes. I told Veronica and I told Mr. Hunter. She said that sometimes the books feel that way after they've been restored. Grissom: What did Mr. Hunter say? Aaron Pratt: He said, "Get out of my office, Aaron, I'm having my lunch!" (AARON stands up and walks over to the window.) Grissom: Was Mr. Hunter having lunch with Veronica again? Aaron Pratt: Hard-boiled egg, celery, fruit salad, iced tea. Veronica was on a diet. She had to lose three pounds. Grissom: Was this lunch different from the other lunches you told me about? Aaron Pratt: Yes. Grissom: How? Aaron Pratt: They fought. Grissom: Aaron, I want you to be very specific. Tell me what you saw. (AARON looks out the window and remembers.) (Quick flashback to STANLEY HUNTER'S office and his lunch with VERONICA BRADLEY. They're arguing.) Stanley Hunter: You did what? (He hits her.) Stanley Hunter: All I have is my reputation and I'm not going to let you ruin it for me! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Aaron Pratt: Veronica started crying. Mr. Hunter stopped yelling. He sat down. He started eating. He cut the hard-boiled egg in half. (VERONICA is crying.) Aaron Pratt: (V.O.) He reached in the drawer and pulled out the salt shaker. (VERONICA BRADLEY stops him from adding salt to the egg. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Aaron Pratt: No s*x, no food, no salt. (AARON turns back to look at GRISSOM.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) - STANLEY HUNTER'S OFFICE -- [SCENE_BREAK] NIGHT] (NICK is in full gear and back at the library this time in STANLEY HUNTER'S office. He opens the drawer and picks up the the salt shaker.) (Camera close up of the salt shaker. Hold on NICK.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY] (GRISSOM and O'RILEY question STANLEY HUNTER.) Stanley Hunter: Poison? What are you talking about? Grissom: We're talking about ricin. The toxin that killed Veronica Bradley. You were dating her. You ate lunch together. O'Riley: Opportunity. So, you mix up a batch of ricin put it in a salt shaker. Next time you're breaking bread, she asks for the salt ... Stanley Hunter: It never happened. Grissom: We have a witness who says he saw you try to kill her. Stanley Hunter: What? Aaron? Are you sure you trust him? Grissom: Normally an eyewitness is the least reliable evidence we have. But in this case, it's the most reliable. Veronica knew about the forgeries. A career-ender, huh, Stanley? Stanley Hunter: For her, not for me. She's the forger. (This surprises GRISSOM.) Stanley Hunter: Oh, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. I suppose he indicted me for that, too? He's the one who came to me. Told me about the illustrations. Said they felt like his bus pass. Whatever that means. Grissom: Go on. Stanley Hunter: He even knew the page numbers. So, I checked it out and he was right. Veronica was using me and mea culpa. Grissom: Why didn't you tell us about the forgeries earlier? Stanley Hunter: When she died, I thought the problem was solved. In this business, all you have is your reputation. There was a dozen books. I was going to remove them from the collection inform the board, collect the insurance and cut my losses. If you don't believe me go ask your very reliable witness. (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WESTERN STATE HISTORICAL SOCIETY (LIBRARY) - THE CAGE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM is standing on the inside of the cage. AARON PRATT is on the outside looking in.) Grissom: Tell me again, what did you see? Aaron Pratt: Uniball pen rolls across the desk. Falls on the chair, hits the floor and stops rolling at the wastebasket. Then water falls into Veronica's eyes ... Grissom: (interrupting) Aaron, when you look at things you see pictures in your mind. Tell me the first picture you see of Veronica in this cage. Aaron Pratt: I already told you. Grissom: Tell me something you haven't told me. Tell me what Veronica was doing before you said good night. Aaron Pratt: She pulled out a canvas bag. Then she looked around. Grissom: Why was she looking around? Aaron Pratt: She was deciding something. Grissom: Tell me what "Veronica deciding something" looks like. (Quick flashback to VERONICA BRADLEY crouching down and removing a book from the table. Cut to VERONICA standing up and picking a book off of the table. Cut to her opening the book and flipping a page. Cut to her biting the end of the pen. Camera close up of VERONICA BRADLEY biting the end of her pen. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Thank you, Aaron. (AARON looks back at GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK is going through the pens they picked up from VERONICA BRADLEY'S house.) Nick: Veronica Bradley must have loved uniballs. She had about a dozen at her house. Plus every known piece of forgery equipment. (GRISSOM puts a swab in its box.) Grissom: Some people bite their nails; she bit her pens. Bad habit. (GRISSOM swabs the end of another pen.) Nick: I also found this under her refrigerator. Funny how people don't think to clean there. (NICK holds out an evidence bag for GRISSOM to take. GRISSOM looks at it. Camera close up of a single castor bean.) Grissom: Castor bean. Ricinus communis. (Quick flashback to VERONICA BRADLEY cooking in her kitchen. She takes some of the solid and grinds it into a powder. She puts the powder into the salt shaker. Camera close up of some of the ricin powder falling onto her notebook and pen.) Nick: (V.O.) But if we find Ricin on any of the pens from her house ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: ... we'll know where she cooked up the castor beans. Grissom: And maybe how she died. (GRISSOM hands a tray full of boxed swabs to NICK.) Grissom: Get these to Greg right away. We need the results of the ricin elisa test. (NICK leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] (CATHERINE and BRASS question MR. CROFT.) Mr. Croft: I came home straight from work. I don't know what you're talking about. Catherine: You want to submit to a lineup? Mr. Croft: A lineup? What for? (SARA opens the door and enters the room.) Sara: His car, out in the parking lot, it's a rental. Rented this morning. Catherine: Let's just cut the B.S. Where's your car? Mr. Croft: I sold it. Catherine: You got proof of sale? (He shakes his head.) Catherine: An accountant who doesn't keep receipts. Mr. Croft: Hey, you don't know anything about me. Catherine: I know you've got a temper. (Camera holds on MR. CROFT.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (CATHERINE enters the GARAGE. SARA is already there with MR. CROFT'S car.) Sara: Hey. Brass did the legwork and rushed the warrant. Found it in a body shop a mile from his house. (CATHERINE looks at the car.) Catherine: Black Excursion. Turbo diesel. (CATHERINE walks to the front of the car and looks at the broken headlight.) Catherine: Gutted. Sara: Gets better. Vic's SUV was silver. (SARA shows silver paint on the car's front bumper.) Sara: What do you think? Catherine: Well, this is a lot more than a fender bender. Sara: Sustained contact. Catherine: Get some scrapings. Sara: Yeah. (SARA puts her flashlight aside. CATHERINE opens the car's front passenger-side door and looks around. She sees the coffee on the front dash and seat.) (Cut to SARA getting the scraping.) (Cut back to CATHERINE climbing into the car and sitting down. She finds the empty coffee cup on the driver-side floor. She picks it up.) Catherine: I think I may know what ... (She smells it.) Catherine: set this guy off. (SARA looks up.) Catherine: He spilled his coffee. (CATHERINE looks around and finds the coffee lid with lipstick on the cap.) (SARA walks around to the driver side.) Catherine: (shaking her head) Not a good color for Croft. (They're both putting the pieces together. CATHERINE also notices the coffee on the driver-side window. She rolls the window up to show the coffee stain.) Catherine: Coffee on the outside, coffee on the inside. Lipstick on the lid. Sara: She threw her coffee at him. (Quick flashback to MEGAN in her car. MR. CROFT pulls up beside her. He yells at her. She yells back.) Catherine: (V.O.) Croft chases her from the parking lot caught up to her at the light. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: They said their "screw you, screw you's." I think I know the word that made her throw the coffee. Sara: I hate that word. (Quick flashback to CROFT swearing at MEGAN. MEGAN throws her coffee cup at CROFT. It hits him square.) Sara: (V.O.) Those lids never fit. She nailed him. (She drives off. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: Light turns green and the chase is on. (Quick flashback resumes as MEGAN peals off when the light changes.) Catherine: (V.O.) And now she's got a problem. (CROFT pursues. Cut to a car chase between the two cars. End of flashback.) Sara: She's got a pursuit on her hands. Catherine: And she's the pursued. So, she dials 9-1-1. (Quick flashback to MEGAN on her cell.) Operator: (over phone) 9-1-1. What's your emergency? Megan Treadwell: (to phone) Oh, my god, you've got help me, please. Help me! (End of flashback.) Catherine: Somehow she loses him. Sara: And she's still spooked. All she wants now is to get home. (Quick flashback to MEGAN turning the corner and scared. She stops when the track guard bell rings and the rail lowers.) Megan Treadwell: Please ... pl-please. (She checks her rear-view mirror and sighs when she doesn't see the car. She turns around and looks at her dog.) Megan Treadwell: Hey, sweetie ... (Then from behind her, the car hits her full speed. She starts to inch forward. The train whistle blows in the distance. Her brakes screech. She slowly inches forward toward the guard rail. Behind her MR. CROFT looks very smug behind the wheel of his car. The train whistle blows.) Megan Treadwell: Oh, god, no! Help me! (She puts her emergency brakes on. End of flashback.) Catherine: That's why she had the emergency brake on. (Quick flashback to the car still inching forward and MR. CROFT mercilessly pushes the car forward. The train whistle blows. The car breaks through the rail and onto the track. End of flashback.) Catherine: She could have jumped out. Sara: Not without her dog. (Quick flashback to MEGAN being pushed all the way to the middle of the train track.) Megan Treadwell: Help! (Her tires squeal; the train whistle blows. CROFT pushes the car forward, then goes in reverse once the car's in place. MEGAN tries to start her car, but the engine won't turn.) Megan Treadwell: No! (The train makes impact with the car. CROFT sits in his car and watches. End of flashback.) Catherine: And that's why you always cut the other driver some slack. Sara: I'll call Brass, tell him to make the arrest. (CATHERINE nods. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM watches as AARON PRATT nervously arranges the items on his shelf.) Grissom: Veronica removed the original illustrations from the books and replaced them with forgeries which she then left at your house so that she could point the finger at you if it ever came to that. She never thought that you'd find out but you did. And you told Mr. Hunter. Aaron Pratt: "All you have in this business is your reputation." Grissom: So, Veronica tried to save hers but instead of killing Mr. Hunter she ended up killing herself. (AARON knocks down the containers he was straightening.) Aaron Pratt: Oh. Sorry. (GRISSOM rushes over to help him pick them up.) Grissom: That's okay. (AARON nervously giggles.) Grissom: (quietly) I like order. Aaron Pratt: Me, too. That's why I was scared. Grissom: Scared? Aaron Pratt: Of Veronica. Of being in love. I was stupid. I thought she loved me. (Quick flashback to VERONICA kissing AARON. End of flashback.) Aaron Pratt: "Then must you speak of one that loved not wisely ... Grissom: ... but too well." Aaron Pratt: Othello, act five, scene two, lines 343 and 344. Grissom: But Othello killed Desdemona. Aaron Pratt: I didn't kill Veronica. Grissom: (quietly) No, you didn't. (GRISSOM smiles.)

Grissom and Nick investigate the death of a book restorer while Catherine and Sara are called to the scene of a fatal train crash. When the female book restorer is found dead and locked inside a "cage," a temperature-controlled workspace, Grissom and Nick attempt to determine whether this is a case of suicide or homicide. They discover that the key to solving the case may be a co-worker who suffers from autism. Meanwhile, Catherine and Sara are sent to comb through the wreckage of a collision between a train and an SUV and find out if it is a case of road rage or simply an accident.

fd_FRIENDS_03x08

fd_FRIENDS_03x08_0

Originally written by Adam Chase [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.] Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies? Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.) (Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.) Chandler: Okay, I'm not gonna have one. Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.) Phoebe: No, no, it's just my tooth. Chandler: All right I'll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,) Ross: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one. Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him. Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists. Ross: Why? Why can't you go to him? Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies. Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse. Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'. Rachel: And all these people actually died? Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives! Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence. Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.] Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too? Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have everything. Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.) Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go. Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit. Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here? Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he's not. Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband. Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler? Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not. Rachel: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him. Joey: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him. Phoebe: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.] Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doo Fat Factory. Phoebe: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out) Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display. Joey: What did they do? Ross: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that. Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you? Ross: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you. Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me? Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths 'Don't worry, I'll be here the whole time.' to Ross.) Yes! That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths 'Yeah!' and holds up her thumb.) Joey: Hey-hey, Ross? Ross: Yeah. Joey: I've got a science question. Ross: Hmm? Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct? Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people. Joey: Hey-hey, I'm not judging. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.] Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he's bored. Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We're gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben's head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.) [cut to later] Monica: (to Ben) Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are, you're so brave. Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that's a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! Monica: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him. Rachel: We're not?! Monica: No we're not. Rachel: All right, I like that. Monica: Okay. Rachel: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, (starts to exam Ben) aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump. Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! Rachel: I cannot push it in! Monica: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Monica: I got it! Rachel: Okay. Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!! Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head. Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. Rachel: We need a hat.. Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!! (runs to get him) Monica: Because he'll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that's dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you're a genius! Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though. Monica: Give it. Give it. Rachel: Okay. (Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.) Monica and Rachel: Oh!! Rachel: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today. [Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.] Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice? Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike. Chandler: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum. Chandler: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious. Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious. Chandler: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store) Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't, okay, you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, you can't. Chandler: Why not?! Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is... Chandler: What is the thing? Joey: Okay. I went down to the 'Mattress King' showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband. Chandler: (shocked) What? Joey: They were in his office. Chandler: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's with, she's with me. Joey: I'm telling you man, I saw it. Chandler: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay, you're wrong. Joey: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.] Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble. Rachel: Right. Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat. Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive! Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I? Phoebe: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know. Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead. Phoebe: (on phone) 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!' Ben: Monica. Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that? Ben: Monica bang! Rachel: Okay, I heard that. Monica: Did he just say 'Monica bang'? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out! Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun? Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now. Monica: You okay? Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.] Janice: (entering) How's my Bing-a-ling? Chandler: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me. Janice: Why are your eyes so white? Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!! Janice: Oh my God!! Chandler: All right! Janice: How did you know? Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing. Janice: In the park? Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there? Janice: Just those two! Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!! Janice: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something? Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here. (Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.) Janice: The receipt. Chandler: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I'm gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring) Janice: I don't know. Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you're alive you answer your phone! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.] Monica: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don't tell about our little bonking incident. Rachel: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?! Joey: You said number two. Rachel: I also said number one. Joey: I know. (giggles harder) Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone. Rachel: Hi! Ross: How's my little boy? Rachel: He's perfect, he's never been better. Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What'd you do, take him whaling? Ben: Monica. Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's great! Good job Ben. Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I exploded. Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive. Joey: Uh. Phoebe: What? Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.) [Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.] Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big. Rachel: Well maybe he's just taking a nap. Joey: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning. Monica: All right, we should call somebody. Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving. Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive. Monica: How are we gonna do that? There's no way. Joey: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, now we got a reason. Chandler: What? Joey: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device. Chandler: All right. Joey: Hey uh, what's a matter? Chandler: I talked to Janice. Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him? Chandler: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the reciept! Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do? Chandler: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do? Joey: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do. Chandler: Come on, tell me. Joey: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out. Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about? Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel's room.] Ross: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head? Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. Ross: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could. Rachel: (confidently) I did! Ross: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time. Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing! Ross: Monica did it? (Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.) Ross: Monica? Monica: Yeah. Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today? Monica: No. Why? Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head. Monica: Really?! Ross: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle) Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom) Rachel: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell. Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room) Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow! Rachel: I'll get the hat. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.] Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy. Janice: Okay. Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad. Janice: Wow! Chandler: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do. Janice: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Chandler: Then don't leave me! Janice: What? Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me! Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another chance. Chandler: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance. Janice: (standing up) I'm sorry. (hugs him) Chandler: Ohhh. Don't go. Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn't let her go.) Chandler: No. No! No! No! Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking. Chandler: I don't care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don't care!! Janice: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandler's grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.) Chandler: You can't leave! I have your shoe! Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe) Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.] Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manouver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area. Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance! Phoebe: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick. Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle. (They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.) Phoebe: He's alive! He's a-live!!! Monica: And yet, we're still poking him. Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device. Ross: He does not look happy. Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device. Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album] Chandler: (singing) 'I'll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can't resist your charms. And love....' Phoebe: (joining him) 'Love....' Chandler and Phoebe: 'I'll be a fool for you. I'm sure, you know I don't mind.' Chandler: (high pitched) 'No you know I don't mind.' Chandler and Phoebe: 'Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh..' Chandler: 'I know.' Phoebe: 'I know.' Chandler: 'I've found.' Phoebe: 'I've found....' Chandler and Phoebe: '...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love.' (they both look at each other.) 'My endless love.' (once again they don't match tones, and they just look at each other)

When Chandler wants to buy Janice an expensive gift, Joey reveals that he saw Janice kissing her ex-husband. While babysitting Ben, Monica accidentally bumps his head on a post. Phoebe has a toothache but fears going to the dentist will cause someone's death, as she claims has happened before. She finally goes, but on returning, notices that Ugly Naked Guy is lying motionless in his apartment in the adjacent building. The gang fashions a long poking stick to determine if he is alive and are relieved when he swats it away.

fd_The_Office_03x23

fd_The_Office_03x23_0

Michael: Ughh... Blech. Dwight: OK, where does it hurt? Michael: Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying... Dwight: No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body. Michael: Right there. [Michael points to computer screen.] Dwight: [reading from screen] "Abdomen. Menses." Michael: Maybe. Dwight: "The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it." Michael: Not it. I don't have eggs. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste? Michael: That's possible. Pam: Michael? Michael: Uh-huh? Pam: David Wallace is on line one. Michael: The CFO? Ohh... Michael: OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace? David: [on phone] Michael, I am calling--- Michael: And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there? David: Jan is out of town right now. Michael: Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes... David: Michael? Michael: ...you just gots to get your freak on. David: Michael? Michael: Yeah. David: Michael? Michael: Hmmm. David: I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate. Michael: Really? David: Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch. Michael: Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say. David: That's not necessary. Michael: May God guide you in your quest. David: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Oh I'm excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt [lifts up shirt, definitely not wearing anything underneath] Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume? Oscar: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael. Michael: Well, you can't swim in leather pants. [laughs] I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30. Michael: Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going. Toby: It's Beach Day... Michael: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey, want my sun screen? Pam: Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece. Toby: Uh-huh. Pam: Thanks Toby. Michael: Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you Pam: I thought we were just having fun at the beach. Michael: We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities? Michael: I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I have the most boring job in the office, so... why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This way to the partay bus. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [singing] [Angela mouthing the words next to him] And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right." [rest of office joins in at varying times] You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach. Stanley: Oh, sweet mother of God. Michael: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus. Stanley: Excuse me? Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner! Dwight: Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach. Michael: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off. Dwight: I hope there will be management parables. Michael: Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down? Pam: Like what? Michael: Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't... Pam: Well... no, I don't... exactly... what? Michael: Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. [Gets off bus] Watch out for snakes! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Everyone put on sunscreen. Michael: Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. [motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor. Oscar: What? Michael: Just words. Inspiring words. [under breath] Not a contender. [out loud] For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley. Dwight: Yes! Michael: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I choose Michael! Michael: I'm not playing. Dwight: OK, temp. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: We are going to choose team names. Dwight? Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor. Jim: Really? Not Slytherin? Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim. Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort. Dwight: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that. Jim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...[Kevin and Karen follow] Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Dwight: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name? Stanley: I don't care what you call my team. Michael: Then I will name your team the Red team. Stanley: No [crosses arms], the blue team. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: We will be team U.S.A. Michael: Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist. Stanley: There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon. Michael: Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! [contestants start walking] Oscar: Come on Phyllis, you can do it. [Phyllis' egg falls off spoon] Ahh... Stanley: Thank you so much. [Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle] Andy: Phyllis is out. Yes! [to Kelly] Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good. [Cheers] Kelly: I don't want to hit the big rock! Andy: Don't worry. You're not... Kelly: I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it. Andy: No where near the big rock. Kelly: [takes off blindfold] I just don't want to get hit by it... Andy: What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! [throws a stone] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, stop, stop. There's a hole. Step over the hole. Karen: Hole? Jim: Yup. [Karen takes a big step] Perfect, oooh, just made it. OK, turn left. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [to Ryan] Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! Ryan: Can you just stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore. Dwight: What are you saying? Ryan: You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race. Dwight: OK, I apologize for yelling at you. Ryan: That's what being a good captain is about. It's about listening to the members of your team. Dwight: I am trying to bring team spirit. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [to Karen] Woah, stop, another hole. Take a big step. [Karen steps into lake] Yes! Karen: [lifts up blindfold] Oh my God! You ass! [chases Jim and throws egg at him] [both laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking. [holds up notes] Michael: [off screen] Pam...you're missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [at Ryan holding egg in spoon] Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you b*st*rd! [Ryan takes off blindfold and throws it to ground along with egg and spoon] What the? Damn it temp! Andy: [begins to clap] Great job everyone, that was fantastic. [Michael sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay Pam, I have another little project for you. Pam: Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs? Michael: Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it. Pam: When's the contest? Michael: Like umm...[looks at watch] ten minutes? Pam: How am I supposed to... get... Michael: Thanks a bunch. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK, who's hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. [sighs at the table] For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set. Kelly: Can I have a turkey burger? Michael: No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready? Oscar: Turkey is a healthy meat. Dwight: It's very good for you. [overlapping talk from all at table] Michael: Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat! Phyllis: Is there any mustard? Michael: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily. Michael: Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize. Meredith: [eating hot dog] What is it? Michael: I can't say. Jim: You can't say, or you can't pronounce it? Michael: The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world. Kelly: Can we just take those first two things? Michael: The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright? Dwight: You're leaving? Michael: I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up. Andy: [slams fist onto table] I am so hungry! [starts eating hot dog real fast] Stanley: Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis? Michael: [points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let's see it. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs! Kelly: Team U.S.A.! Andy: One came up. Michael: 13 hot dogs, everybody! Dwight: Damn it! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [holding a fish with all the meat stripped off] Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Sabotage. Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich? Dwight: No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team. Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane. Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens. Stanley: Uh, we don't have any safety mittens Michael: Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright. It's alright. Here we go. Karen: Get 'em big boy! Michael: Aaaaaand, go! Karen: C'mon, Jim! Stanley: [growly noises, Jim looks terrified] Jim: What are you doing? Michael: Nice, Stanley! Stanley: [to Jim] Sorry about that. It's all about taking points away from Dwight. Jim: Yeah. No. Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Andy and Dwight sumo wrestle] Gaaaaa.... Michael: One. Two. Three. Dwight: Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa! Michael: Excellent! Dwight: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words. Dwight: That's not why you lost. Andy: Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad. Dwight: Yeah, right. Andy: Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon! [Dwight and Andy wrestle] Dwight: [bouncing off of Andy] Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Trying to wet bandana, falls in water] Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody! Angela: What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them? Andy: Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously! Angela: I don't understand what you want from me. Andy: Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it! Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy! Andy: Angela! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points? Pam: I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units. Michael: Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook. Pam: I really doubt it, Michael. Michael: Please just check. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on cell phone] Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye. Karen: Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well. Jim: In well? Karen: As well. Jim: How would that work in well? I just want to know. Karen: Yes. uh, huh. Jim: Wait a minute. Karen: That would be fine. Jim: If this job is in a well, I don't want it. Karen: [whispering] Cut it out! Jim: I don't! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage. Stanley: How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus. Michael: Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals. Kevin: Are you going to try it? Angela: I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through. Kevin: Angela, it is a million degrees. Pam: I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right? Michael: No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score. Pam: I'd like to try it. Michael: Pointless. Pam: But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it. Michael: Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up. Jim: Nope. Michael: Ji.. why not? C'mon. Jim: Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned. Michael: You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager. Jim: That's harsh. Michael: Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [lying in water, car lights light up his location] Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Why don't you go Michael? Michael: Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill. Jim: And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself. Michael: Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around the foot. [exhales] Okay. Pam: Do you want us to count to three? Michael: Yes. Count to three, please. Group: Three. Two. One. Michael: Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one. Group: One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael. Michael: Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three? Creed: On the go that's after three. Michael: Okay. Group: One, two, three, go! Dwight: No! It's okay. I will do this Michael. Michael: Don't, don't. Dwight: [walking on coals] I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager! Group: Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving. Dwight: [standing still, on the coals] GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB! Michael: I'm not going to give it to you. Dwight: [falling on his knees, then on all fours] Aaagh, aaagh! Group: [yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals] Pam: Michael, do something! Dwight: Aggggh, that stings! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. "Outside Hire." Angela: Or Mrs. "Outside Hire." Michael: Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor. Kelly: Who's Bob Hope? Michael: God! He's a comedian. Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes. Michael: Who's Amanda Bynes? Kelly: She's from "What a Girl Wants." Michael: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got. Jim: Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement. Michael: You are being too modest. Jim: Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York. Michael: Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us. Dwight: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, "Describe your act." And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, "What do you call yourselves?" And the man says, "The Aristocrats!" [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [breathes deeply and runs across coals] Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [finishes story] I mean truly repulsive acts. Michael: That is a very, very funny story. Pam: [runs over after walking over fire coals] Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. [turns and looks directly at Jim] Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day. Michael: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background. [SCENE_BREAK] Group: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. [overlapping singing of the wrong verses] When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time! Michael: WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA! Andy: Nice!

David Wallace calls and informs Michael that he is a candidate for an opening position in the corporate office in New York. Believing himself the obvious choice for the job, Michael goes about choosing a successor. He takes his employees to the beach and compels them to compete in challenges to determine which of them will take over his position, not realizing that Jim and Karen are also contenders for the job. In the evening, on a high after a firewalk , Pam confesses that she is tired of being ignored, and tells Jim that he was the reason she called off her wedding.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_04x06

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_04x06_0

Provided by TVTDB.com (Seattle Scenes) MVO: There's this thing about being a surgeon... (Callie wakes up on the couch) MVO: maybe it's pride or maybe it's just about being tough...but a true surgeon never admits they need help unless absolutely necessary. (Cristina and Meredith are in her bed) Cristina: What are your other symptoms? Meredith: Okay, there's the father thing...the mother thing, the sister thing...mmm, the dying and coming back to life thing. Cristina: You have too many things. Meredith: I can't sleep. I can't sleep without the dreaming. Cristina: And the panic attacks. Meredith: One. One panic attack. Cristina: Okay, still. Meredith: What's wrong with me? Cristina: As far as I can tell, severe abandonment issues. Meredith: That's crap. Psych is crap. Issues? Cristina: I mean, it's...it's in the book. The book said it, not me. Have you considered maybe you and Derek should...stop having breakup s*x? Ok. Meredith: The more available he gets...the more I pull away. Cristina: What do you mean? Meredith: Nothing. It's a Derek thing. MVO: Surgeons don't need to ask for help (Derek's trailer) MVO: 'cause they're tougher than that. Surgeons are cowboys rough around the edges, hard-core. (Richard walks out and hands a cup of coffee to Derek) MVO: Least, that's what they want you to think. Derek: Ah, good morning. Richard: Oh, perfect timing. Trout for breakfast. Derek: Mm-hmm Richard: Again. Derek: Yeah, don't start. I let you live on my land, so don't...don't start. Richard: I'm older than you. I've just seen life from both sides now. Derek: You gonna start singing? Richard: I'm just saying that a man who is up fishing at 3:00 every morning is a man in pain over a woman. Derek: Oh, good. A country-western song. Richard: I'm pointing out it's a thing we have in common, Derek. You know, what we need is something to take our mind off of everything. What we need...is a gentlemen's evening. Derek: A what? Richard: A good, old-fashioned gentlemen's evening...tonight. (Izzie is in an on-call room with George) Izzie: This is absurd. You shouldn't be sleeping in the on call room. George: It's not always an on call room. Sometimes it's a gurney in the tunnels and the... Izzie: It's absurd...when I have a perfectly good bed. And I know that we said we would wait and be respectful, and we have been very respectful. But now I want s*x. George: Right now? Izzie: No. Tonight. Tonight we will have...hot, perfect s*x. You in? George: Yeah, I'm obviously in. Izzie: I gotta go. I got patients to check on, Erica Hahn to impress. I'm gonna go kick some cardio ass. Oh, god. I gotta shave my legs. George: It's okay if you don't, you know, have a chance to shave your legs. Izzie: No, it's not. It is not okay, George. I have to shave my legs. I will be shaving my legs. Hot, perfect s*x requires shaved legs. George: Okay. (Richard, and Derek walk up to the nurse's station where Erica is standing) Richard: Erica Hahn...first day. Erica: Oh, first day indeed, and a mountain of paperwork to prove it. Richard: Derek Shepherd, you know Erica Hahn. Derek: You're the new Burke. (Mark walks up) Richard: And this is Dr. Mark Sloan, head of plastics. Erica Hahn. Mark: Ah, the new Burke. Derek: Welcome. Excuse us. (Mark and Derek step aside) Erica: Interesting guys, and by "interesting" I mean ridiculously attractive. Do you hire on looks alone, or is actual skill a factor? Richard: Good to have you here, Erica. Erica: Good to be here, Richard. (Derek and Mark) Mark: What exactly is a gentlemen's evening? Derek: I don't know. It's an evening with gentlemen. Mark: And strippers? Derek: No, I don't...I don't think the chief meant strippers. Mark: Sure sounds like strippers. Dr. Bailey? What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say the words "gentlemen's evening"? Bailey: Tassels. Shiny, sequined tassels and $1 bills. Mark: See? Strippers. Derek: There will be no strippers. I'm almost positive. Mark: So you don't know what this thing is either? Derek: No, but you're in? Mark: Why not? I like to be surprised. (Cristina and Meredith are at a nurse's station) Cristina: Okay. Oh, heads-up. Mr.Incredible,12:00. (Derek walks by) Derek: Hi. Meredith: Hi. Cristina: What the hell was that about? Meredith: That was about a date we have later in the on call room. It's nothing. Cristina: Well, you sure seem to be losing sleep over a whole lot of "nothing. (Meredith and Cristina enter the ambulance bay) Cristina: This is it...Hahn is in the hospital, freakin' Izzie is on her service again. I'm gonna ride this trauma train straight back into cardio. Callie: Okay, what do we got? Meredith: Uh, two ambulances, multiple traumas. Alex: Any chance you need a resident's help, Dr. Torres? Callie: As long as you want to smash bones into dust while people cry. Alex: Sweet. What do you got? Cristina: Chest pain, tamponade, ruptured aorta? Ambulance Driver: Uh, more like a clown car. Jackie Escott, 25 years old, dislocated shoulder, lac to her thigh, vital signs are stable. And Helena Boyd, 26 years old...also stable with obvious nasal fracture, facial lacs and a chunk of missing scalp. Helena: She ripped out my hair. Jackie: She ripped out my shoulder! Helena: You ripped out your own shoulder when you were trying to push me off of the platform! Fiancé 1: Who let go of the dress? Did anybody let go of the dress? Fiancé 2: Hang in there, honey. Don't let her psych you out, all right? Callie: Okay, what the hell's all this? Judge: It's a store contest. I'm the judge. Last one to let go of the dress... Helena: Wins the wedding of my dreams. Jackie: Of my dreams. Callie: All right, enough. You two are injured, okay? You need to get your priorities straight and let go of the...let go...let go of the dress so we can treat you. All right, let go now. Now. Helena: Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Callie: All right. Fine. Let's move. Cristina: Oh, please let this be something good, something cardio good. Please. Ambulance Driver 2: 33-year-old male discovered unconscious but stable having survived a 12,000-foot free fall. Cristina: A what? Ambulance Driver: His parachute didn't open. Cristina: Wait, he fell 12,000 feet without a parachute? Thank you. (In the ER) Bailey: What's his name? Rick: Rick. I'm Rick Jacobs. Bailey: He's talking? Cristina: You'd think after 12,000 feet, he'd have at least a punctured lung. (A woman runs up) Sally: Where is he? Where are you? Oh, my god. There you are. How is he? How is he? Is he okay? Is he dying? Rick: No, I'm not dying, Sally. Bailey: Okay, ma'am, you need to calm down. Meredith: Is this your wife? Rick: My skydiving instructor. Bailey: Well, ma'am... Sally: I watched the whole thing. I...I couldn't do anything. I was just...I was just in the clouds floating, watching while he...while he...while he...you...you fell to your death. His chute didn't open. Bailey: Ma'am, okay, we need to do our jobs, and you're making that difficult by hovering over the patient. Please have a seat and breathe. (Richard enters) Richard: I heard we have a skydiver who fell 12,000 feet. Rick: That'd be me. Richard: Uh, hello. Rick: Hi. Richard: He's talking? Bailey: Clearly he's in shock, can't feel the extent of his injuries. Derek: Let's get him down for a C.T. Meredith: Cristina, where are you going? Cristina: Multiple injuries means multiple surgeries. I'm going to get me some cardio. (ER) Callie: Okay, do you see that you're bleeding all over the dress? Jackie: It's not about the dress. Alex: I can't, uh, I can't...there's too much blood down here. Which one of your legs is bleeding? Helena: I don't know. I can't really feel anything anymore. Mark: I hear you have a broken nose down here. What's with the dress? Jackie: It's not about the dress. Callie: Can't they...can't they just split the prize? Judge: I offered. I offered that 14 hours ago. Jackie: It is a $100,000 wedding package, and I am not splitting it with anyone. George: Oh, you're bleeding on your dress. Everyone: It's not about the dress! Callie: Uh, uh, I'm gonna have to stabilize that shoulder somehow. Alex: I'll go grab a sling. (Mark and Callie step aside) Mark: Well, this is cozy. Callie: This is hell. I assigned O'Malley to you to keep him away from me, and now our patients are connected to each other. Mark: You're not looking at this like the opportunity it is. Callie: Meaning? Mark: Meaning he's an intern. It's, like, half my job, torturing interns. Callie: Thanks. That's...that's almost sweet. But torturing George is not gonna make any of this any better. Torture him how, exactly? (Izzie is with Mr. Arnold) Mr. Arnold: My hands always get so sweaty in hospitals. It's the weirdest thing. Izzie: It's pretty common, actually. If it makes you feel any better, Dr. Hahn has done this procedure hundreds of times. Mr. Arnold: And she's really gonna thread a catheter up my leg, all the way to my heart? Izzie: Trust me, you are in excellent hands. Mr. Arnold: But, um, I...I'll be out, right? Izzie: Oh, yeah, you'll be asleep. You won't remember a thing. Mr. Arnold: Ivory-billed woodpecker. Izzie: I'm sorry? Mr. Arnold: Ivory-billed woodpecker...that's what's getting me through this. I'm a, uh, lifelong birdwatcher. And when I get through this, I am finally going to scout the ivory-billed woodpecker. It is so rare. You know, we...we thought it was extinct. But it's not. It lives in Arkansas...in this one little patch of swamp. Do you have any idea how incredible it is to see a bird like that in person? Izzie: I'm sorry. (Cristina enters) Izzie: Uh, I'll be just one second. Why are you hovering? Cristina: Guess what just came into the pit. No, no, don't guess. I'll tell you. Skydiver. Skydiver whose chute didn't open, who fell 12,000 feet and landed in some shrubbery. Izzie: Poor guy. He probably broke every bone in his body. Cristina: No, the point is not poor guy. The point is amazing surgery. And it could be yours for the low, low price of a humdrum, everyday cardio cath. Izzie: Yeah, forget it. I'm not giving up Hahn's service. Cristina: Hey, hey, Izzie, you know what? Cardio is my thing. Izzie: No. I like this patient, I like Hahn, and I like cardio. Cristina: No, you are...you are flirting with cardio. I am married to cardio. You will marry general surgery or, you know, okay, perhaps neuro. But you, you are nowhere near hard-core enough to commit to cardio. Izzie: So you are telling me to stop flirting with your husband. I get it. That's cute. But if you're gonna ask me for a favor, insulting my personal life is probably not a great tactic. Cristina: No, no, no, wait. I am not talking about your s*x life. I could not care less about your s*x life. It's a skydiver, Izzie. Skydiver. Izzie: Oh, yeah. Sounds really cool. Enjoy it. (CT scan room for Rick) Richard: If his intestines look like I think they will, that's gonna take first priority. Derek: He could have delayed paralysis. Bailey: This is not a contest, gentlemen. But since a perfed bowel could kill the guy whether or not his spine's in working order, my money's on the chief going first. (Cristina enters) Cristina: Hey, what'd I miss? Any cardiothoracic concerns? I'd be happy to page Dr. Hahn. Richard: Scan's coming up. Bailey: Here it is. Wait for it. Wait. Cristina: Wait. Meredith: Oh, that can't be right, can it? Bailey: I'm not seeing any free fluid, any intraperitoneal gases. Derek: Does anybody see anything? Richard: There! Right there. A hematoma... Cristina: In the right lower quadrant. Meredith: It's the appendix. Bailey: We're saying this guy fell 12,000 feet, and basically all he needs is an appendectomy? (Alex enters the closet where Lexie is sitting on the floor) Alex: You're charting... in a closet. Lexie: I get a lot of work done in here. It's quiet and nice. Alex: And a closet. Lexie: Look...when I'm out there roaming the floors, okay, I am the other Grey that Dr. Yang likes to humiliate and kick around. And...and in here, I'm...I'm not. You know, in...in here, I'm...it's just...it's...it's my place, okay? Alex: It's...it's a closet. You know, every intern class has its runt of the litter. You keep this up, this year it's gonna be you. Get up. Lexie: Oh, sorry. You probably need to get in here. Alex: No, grab...grab a sling from the box and come with me. Lexie: With you? Alex: Well, if you'd rather sit like a loser in a closet doing charts, you can. Or you can come help me on ortho today. Your choice. (ER) Jackie: No way. No frickin' way. Calie: It's the only solution if neither of you will let go of the dress. Mark: It's very simple. Dr. Torres needs to treat Jackie's shoulder and leg, so, Jackie, you need a proxy. Helena: What? Fiancé 2: Think about it, babe. This gives you an advantage. You get to rest your hand and come back refreshed. Give me the dress. I'll be the proxy. Fiancé 1: No way. This isn't fair. You think this is fair? Mark: Dr. O'Malley's the proxy. George: What? Mark: He'll hold on to the dress. George: Hold the dress? You just want me to...stand here and hold a dress? Mark: No one ever said internship was easy. Fiancé 1: Dude, you're job kinda sucks, huh? Jackie: Hello? Watch the shoulder. (Alex and Lexie enter) Alex: Oh, check it out. Bambi's a bridesmaid. Callie: You're right. This did cheer me up. (Trauma room) Bailey: You've got no lung injuries, no spinal injuries, no broken bones. You're just a lucky man. Rick: Holy crap. Bailey: The only thing we found was a little bleeding in your lower abdomen. Meredith: Which means we have to remove your appendix. Rick: How's that even possible? Bailey: Uh, the body's an amazing thing. You know, sometimes these things, they just happen. Sally: If you had died... God. Rick: I didn't though. I lived. It's just the most amazing feeling. I feel like I could do anything right now. I mean, anything in the world because I faced death and I...I survived. Meredith: It changes a person. Rick: It does. It so does. Sally...Sal, I have to...I want to, um... Sally: Don't worry. The minute...the minute we get out of here, I am so destroying that video. You will never have to...to relive that horrible...in fact, where's your helmet? I'm gonna destroy that video right now. Rick: Sally. Sal...wait. Cristina: Did she say "video"? (Mr. Arnold's surgery) Erica: The trick is to envision the artery like a spaghetti noodle...pliable, but not too fragile. Richard: Good morning. Erica: Oh, this is an unexpected surprise, chief. You need something? Richard: Oh, first day. Just wanted to see how you were settling in. Erica: You see that? Izzie: It's a blockage, left main coronary artery. It's totally closed off. Erica: There's no way I'm getting a stent in there. We're gonna have to open him up. Izzie: B.P.'S dropping to 58 over 20. Richard: His heart's racing. Erica: And his temp's rising. Muscles are rigid. All right, let's bring him off anesthesia and start him on 100% o-2. He's got malignant hypothermia. Izzie: So he's allergic to the anesthesia? Richard: He'll never be able to endure the cabg. Izzie: So what are our options? (MR. Arnold's room after he wakes up) Mr. Arnold: That's just, uh...I mean, it sounds like you're telling me...you're not actually telling me I'm... I'm gonna die? Erica: The blockage we found in your heart needs surgery, extensive surgery. Angioplasty won't work. And since you're allergic to the anesthesia... Mr. Arnold: So I'll just, uh...I'll be like this. I'll be sick...and exhausted...and like this...until one day when I'll...just, uh...die. It would've been wonderful...to see that bird. It would've been wonderful. (ER) Mark: You're crowding me, O'Malley. Fiancé 2: Hey, hey, I think he just let go. You just let go of the dress, didn't you? George: No. Judge: I wish to god he had. Fiancé 1: I swear, if you let go and lose this contest after my Jackie almost died to win it Fiancé 2: Dude, a busted shoulder does not mean she almost died. Okay? Fiancé 1: Whatever. I'm watching you. Helena: I know you all think this is stupid. If I were you, I would think this is really stupid. Mark: I've never been married myself, so I'm not one to judge, but George here knows all about what it takes. Don't you, O'Malley? Helena: You're married? For how long? George: Not very long. Helena: Newlyweds, congratulations. George: Thanks. (Trauma room) Callie: Now, Jackie, Dr. Karev and I are gonna do this on the count of three, okay? Jackie: I should totally win over that Helena girl. I am way more injured than she is. I should just win by default. Callie: One...two...three. Jackie: Is it in? Alex: It popped back out. Callie: She's gonna need surgery. Jackie: Hey, no. I gotta get back to my dress. Just wrap some bandages around it or something. Callie: You would rather hold on to a dress with a dislocated shoulder than let me repair it in surgery for you right now? Jackie: I can have surgery anytime. I can only win this wedding once. (ER) Cristina: So what, he just stands there and holds a dress? Meredith: I know. I thought it was gonna be more exciting, too. Cristina: A monkey could hold a dress. George: Actually, this is a lot harder than it looks. Helena: Don't let them get to you. Tune them out, all of them. It's the only way to get through it. Fiancé 2: Sweetie, he's your competition. Don't help him. Judge: You ever give morphine to people who aren't patients? Cristina: This kinda blows. Alex: It's more fun when you heckle. Meredith: Don't heckle, George. Cristina: Yeah, whatever. I got something way better than this. Alex: Something that tops O'Malley playing bride? Cristina: Skydiver video. (Cristina, Alex, Izzie and Meredith are in an office) Izzie: What are we doing? Alex: Video from the helmet of a skydiver without a chute. Izzie: You guys are sick. Cristina: Oh, it's not a snuff film. The guy survives. Alex: Holy... Cristina: Oh, is he...oh, no, he's going for it. He's going for the chute. Oh, and it doesn't open. Meredith: Now he's flailing. Alex: He's going for his second chute. Izzie: Oh, jeez. Cristina: Oh, also doesn't open. Izzie: You'd think there'd be more screaming. Meredith: Oh, ok how close the ground is getting. Alex: What's he doing now? Cristina: Peeing his pants. Meredith: Is he saying something? Turn it up. Rick: God, I wish would've told you. I am so in love with you. I love you. I love you. I love you, Sally. I... All: Ohh! Izzie: Who's sally? Meredith: His skydiving instructor. Izzie: Sad. Cristina: Hey, what are you even doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in surgery? Izzie: The guy is allergic to anesthesia. The surgery was canceled. (Meredith and Cristina are in an exam room) Meredith: I drowned. I was sinking...I died. And you know what I realized? I realized how stupid all of my issues are. Cristina: I'm waiting for how this applies to me. Meredith: It doesn't. Cristina: Of course not. Meredith: Well, that man fell, and all he wanted was one last chance to tell sall how he felt about her. And I got one last chance. I got my chance. And what have I done with it? Cristina: You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things. Meredith: I know. Cristina: Okay, found it. (Cristina is in the hall with Erica) Cristina: Dr. Hahn, I know how you can do the surgery on the patient who is allergic to anesthesia. Erica: Well, no anesthesia means no ventilator. No ventilator means no cabg. Not a whole lot of wiggle room there. Cristina: You can operate on him while he's awake. Erica: Yang... Cristina: You can use a high thoracic epidural to numb him from the chest down. Let him breathe on his own the entire time. I mean, they pulled it off in India last month, and then again in... (Izzie walks up) Izzie: Dr. Hahn, you wanted to sign the discharge papers for Mr. Arnold? Erica: Not quite yet. (Mr. Arnold's room) Mr. Arnold: Wide awake? You want me to let you slice open my chest while I'm wide awake? Erica: It is your best option. Mr. Arnold: Uh, how...how long would I have to be lying there, uh, on the table with my chest open, uh, like that? Erica: The surgery can take up to five or six hours. Maybe more. Mr. Arnold: Uh, six hours...awake...with you operating on my heart. I... Izzie: The ivory-billed woodpecker. Erica: What? Cristina: What? Izzie: The ivory-billed woodpecker. Mr. Arnold, you want to live to see it, don't you? This is your only chance. Mr. Arnold: Ivory-billed woodpecker. Erica: Excellent. Stevens, we will scrub in as soon as an OR is free. Izzie: Uh, but the surgery was Cristina's idea. Erica: Either you want in or you don't. Which is it? Izzie: I do. Cristina: Uh, but... Erica: I'm sure there'll be standing room in the gallery, Yang. Stevens, book the OR. Derek: Uh, chief. Richard: Awake open-heart surgery? Derek: I want to talk to you about tonight. Richard: Have you heard about this awake open-heart surgery? Derek: I've invited Sloan and, um, well, I'm wondering what I should tell him to expect. Richard: Mm, tell him to expect a good time. Derek: Okay, so what is that, poker, cigars, whiskey? I mean, what kind of things? Richard: A good time, Shep. [SCENE_BREAK] (Jackie's room) Jackie: You know? You have no idea the kind of stamina it takes to stand in a display window for two days. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, like, ever. Callie: You're risking permanent damage to your shoulder over a contest. Lexie: What does your dress look like? Jackie: Strapless, sweetheart neckline, crystal beading...so pretty. Lexie: But you're gonna wear your hair down, though, right? You know, to cover the hunchback? Jackie: The what? Lexie: Oh, it's just, since you're ignoring Dr .Torres' advice about getting the surgery, you know, your shoulder is probably gonna be pretty swollen and purple...you know, kind of like a hunchback? But your hair should totally cover it. I mean, probably, with the right veil. Jackie: You didn't tell me that. How soon can we have the surgery? (Mark and Derek are in the hall with Erica) Mark: Dr. Hahn, I heard a crazy rumor about you. Erica: That I'm performing open-heart surgery on a man who's wide awake? Mark: That's the rumor. Erica: That's the truth. Derek: Well, I perform awake brain surgery all the time. Erica and Mark: Not the same thing. Mark: You ever heard of a gentlemen's evening? Erica: I'm sorry? Derek: The chief is hosting a gentlemen's evening. Mark: We're pretty sure it doesn't involve p0rn, but, you know, we want to be sure. Erica: Right. Are you two a couple? Mark and Derek: No. Erica: Just checking. Derek: Why would she ask that? Mark: I don't know. I'm...I'm worried about this gentlemen's thing. (ER) Izzie: George...you got a second? George: Seriously? One sec. Izzie: Hi. We're gonna have to push back our perfect evening tonight. Not by much...a few hours, I think. George: Sure. Izzie: Okay. I'm about to scrub in on an awake open-heart surgery. George: A what? Izzie: Awake. The patient's gonna be wide awake while we operate on his heart. Helena: That is intense. Izzie: It is. It is intense. It's...you know, Cristina would be all over this. She would be studying and quizzing herself, and all I can think about is...is the poor guy. You know, he's really nervous already, and...I'm not hard-core. I'm not hard-core enough for this. George: Yes, you are. What, you're just...you're just not like Cristina. You're hard-core. You're hard-core like Izzie. Did that just sound dirty? 'Cause that's not how I meant it. Fiancé 2: Mean it, man. George: Shut...go kick ass in the surgery, and then we'll have our night, and it will be perfect. Izzie: Oh, I have not shaved my legs yet. George: Go be hard-core Izzie. Go. Izzie: Okay, got it. Going Thank you. George: Bye. Fiancé 2: She's hot, man. Helena: Is she your wife? George: I don't know you well enough to have this conversation. (Erica enters Richard's office) Erica: Chief, you paged? Richard: Close the door. You had the nerve to tell a patient you would perform awake open-heart surgery without running it past me? Erica: Did Burke run every surgery past you? Richard: Erica, I know you're new here... Erica: No. Richard: But we run... Erica: I just want to know what the rules are. Every surgery Burke booked, he ran it up the flagpole first? And what about pretty and prettier? They run all their surgeries past you? Richard: Wait, you're talking about Shepherd and Sloan? Erica: I am talking about your male attendings. You know, the ones you invited to your gentlemen's evening? Guess you don't know a guy till you work for him. I mean, who knew you were running some kind of old boys' club? Richard: No, that is not it. What we were... Erica: You realize that an evening to which the male attendings are invited and the women are not...you realize that that's a lot like when law firms used to have country club weekends and failed to invite the black socialites? Erica: Good talk. I gotta prep for my surgery. (Meredith and Derek are in bed) Meredith: Remember when I was dead? Before I went in that water, everything was so...complicated and hard. And then you pulled me out of the water. And I came back to life. For a moment, everything was so clear...as if the water had washed everything clean. Do you remember that? Derek: I do. Meredith: Me, too. (Izzie lays down on a OR bed and sees what it would be like to be operated on while awake) (ER) George: I don't know how you guys did this for two days. Helena: Believe me, I would be at city hall tomorrow if that were an option. George: It is an option. You could just...let go. Helena: You let go. George: You let go, and it's no big deal. It's a wedding. I let go, and I have to face the wrath of Dr. Sloan. Helena: My mom manages a grocery store, and ever since I got engaged, she's been putting herself into serious debt over hand-engraved place cards and chocolate fountains. It's her dream. My wedding is her dream. This is so important to her. This is what she's been living for since I can remember, since...my dad left. My perfect night. So...I can do this. I can do this for her...because she's done a lot for me. (Jackie collapses) George: Get me a crash cart right now. (Helena's surgery) George: Must have happened when she fell this morning, which means she was bleeding all day. She seemed just fine. Richard: She must have been feeling some major pain. George: Yeah, holding on to that dress, that wasn't easy for her. It was humiliating. It was...but when someone's trying to break you, it gives you drive, gives you strength. Holding on to that dress for hours...I mean, days...you know, just...and in public, refusing to buckle, refusing to be...thats hard-core. I mean, in its own way, that's seriously hard-core. Richard: Rumor has it that Sloan was busy hazing one of his interns today. I take it you didn't buckle. George: No, sir. Richard: Good man, O'Malley. (Mr. Arnolds OR) Mr. Arnold: Uh, I can't feel anything from the neck down. It's almost like the rest of me just...doesn't exist. Izzie: Okay, the sound you're about to hear, that's the saw. Mr. Arnold: That...that's not a pretty sound. I brought you some music. Just listen to this and tune it all out. Mr. Arnold: And...and...and that smell. That...that smell is not... Izzie: That's the cautery. I...I know it's hard, but you'll get used to it. In a moment or two, you won't even notice it. I promise. (Rick's OR) Bailey: He jumped out of that plane. No one forced him to do it. Fell 12,000 feet. People chasing death down, then trying to cheat it. Doesn't make any kind of sense to me. Meredith: There's a clarity thing. When you cross over the edge, there's a moment when everything...just melts away, and you're fearless. I get it. I understand wanting to feel like that. (Jackie's recovery room) Callie: You're awake. Jackie: Did I win? Callie: You should know that your surgery went very well. Jackie: But who won? Is she still holding on? Alex: Helena collapsed. She's in surgery. Jackie: So...so I won? She...she collapsed, which...which means I won, right? Where...where's the judge? Callie: You...the woman that you stood next to for two days almost died. Okay, you've just woken up from surgery, and all that you can think about is if you won a stupid contest? Don't you get it? You...you shouldn't have to fight this hard for a wedding. You fight for a marriage, and sometimes even that is a lost cause. Sometimes you have to know when to let go. So just let go already, all right? Just frickin' let go. Jackie: Yeah, but...did I win? (Cristina is in the gallery with Derek) Cristina: Izzie stuck a picture of a bird on an empty saline bag and put it in his eyeline. Derek: That's smart. I wouldn't have thought of that. Cristina: Yeah. Derek: She doesn't let me take care of her. It's not my job anymore. She won't let me. Cristina: I'm taking care of her. Mr. Arnold: You're, uh...you're, uh you're looking at my heart? You're looking at my... actual heart? Erica: Better than that, Mr. Arnold, we're fixing it. And, uh, all...all those people, uh, up there in the observation deck, they're...they're, uh, looking at it, too? Izzie: They are. Mr. Arnold: People watching me. People watching me instead of, uh...it's...it's so weird, uh, to be the one being watched. It...it's so weird. Erica: How you doing there, Mr. Arnold? You need anything? Mr. Arnold: Uh, uh, it's...it's cold, uh, co-cold in here. Uh, I...I need to cover up. Uh, uh, c-cover me up. Uh, okay? Um, cov-cover me up. C-cov-cover me up. Izzie: Yeah, we're gonna...we're...we're gonna cover your legs with more blankets right now. Mr. Arnold: Oh, c-cov-cover me up. Okay? Okay, cover...cover me up. Izzie: His heart rate's up to 168. Erica: Damn it. Mr. Arnold: You know, uh, ev-everybody's watching, uh, and...and, uh, I...I need to be covered up. I...I need...I...I can't stay like this. I can't stay like this. You need...need...I...I can' I can't. No, stop right now. Just...just stop the surgery. Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Okay, I...I mean it. Get your hands out of me. Please stop! Erica: Mr. Arnold, I need you to calm down so that your heart can calm down. Izzie: Okay, hey, Mr. Arnold. Mr. Arnold, oh. Look at me. Good. Okay. Now I want you to focus on... on the observation deck, okay? Pretend that it's a tree line or a shoreline or something...something with birds. Those aren't people up there watching you, those are birds...your birds...and you're watching them. So tell me, Mr. Arnold, about the birds. Tell me. Tell me about the birds. Mr. Arnold: I...I can't. Izzie: You can. How about her? That woman in...in the far left? What kind of bird would she be? Mr. Arnold: Okay, okay, uh, uh, I guess, um, uh, she...she has a long neck. Uh, so she'd...she'd be an ibis, some kind of ibis. Izzie: Okay, good. Great. Great. Who's next? Mr. Arnold: Uh, okay. That one (refers to Cristina), uh, doing...doing that little, uh, dance with her fingers. Um, she's a...she...she's the purple sandpiper. Uh, yeah, those are tough little birds. Those are survivors. And, um, and him (refers to Derek), uh, with the, uh, the...the sad eyes, uh-huh, he would...he's a, uh, a thrush, a black-headed nightingale thrush. And...and the tall one standing there, (refers to Richard), uh, watching over everything, over, uh, everyone...uh uh, he doesn't miss a thing. He's a...a great blue heron. No question. (George is in the hallway) Callie: Hey, how's, uh, how's, uh, how's your bride? Did she, uh, pull through okay? George: Yeah. Callie: Please tell me that you let go first. I absolutely cannot handle my bride winning that way. What? George: Oh, nothing. Just, uh... I just didn't know if we...we'd ever be able to...talk again. Callie: I'm letting go. I have to...let go. (Callie walks away and George enters Helena's room) Fiancé 2: Why didn't you tell anybody you were hurting? Helena: You would've made me let go. Fiancé 2: Hell yeah, I would've. Helena: I guess I lost anyway. George: No, actually, I let go first. Helena: You did? George: Someone had to catch you. Judge: Here, a 100 grand. Have a nice life. Helena: We won. Oh, my god. I can't believe I'm crying over this. We did this. We actually did this. Fiancé 2: No, sweetie, you did it. This was all you. (Meredith is in Rick's room) Rick: I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'm a little disappointed. I mean, I survived a 12,000-foot freefall, and this is gonna be my only scar? Meredith: It goes away. Rick: The scar? Meredith: The feeling. That feeling that you have right now, today, that feeling like you can do anything, that clarity, it goes away. And you go right back to being the coward who can't tell the person you love how you feel. I saw your video. Rick: You saw the...ok. But you're not gonna let Sally see it, right? You're not gonna let her know what I said? Meredith: Like I said...it goes away. It's going away right now. You have to tell her how you feel, right now while you still can. Rick: She is just so incredible, I mean, at everything she does. She's way out of my league. You don't understand. There is no way that she could possibly feel the same way that... Meredith: Well, if she doesn't feel the same way, then you move on. But if you never find out how she feels, then that won't be your only scar. (Meredith leaves and Sally enters) (Mark and Derek are at Derek's waiting for Richard to arrive) Mark: He doesn't have any secret fetishes, right? He really...he doesn't strike me as a fetish kind of guy. (Richard arrives) Derek: Hey, Richard, you gotta tell us what this evening is about. You've been obtuse, it's been fun but, you know, we're getting a little freaked out now. What's a gentlemen's evening? Richard: It's an evening with no ladies, just gentlemen. Mark: That's it? Richard: Well, yeah. (Erica walks up) Erica: Pretty boys living in the woods. This is very charming. Or sad. I'm not sure which. Mark: What happened to no ladies? Derek: Yeah. Richard: Plans change. (Seattle scenes) (Lexie and Alex are outside the hospital) Lexie: What are you doing tonight? Alex: As in, uh... Lexie: What are you doing tonight? Alex: Look, uh...I'm not a nice guy. I don't date. I don't call the next day. I...I'm not looking for a relationship 'cause I'm never good at 'em. And honestly, I'm kinda hung up on somebody else. So...the only thing you're ever gonna get from me is s*x. That's it. And, uh, that's never enough for girls like you. (Alex walks away) MVO: Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hard-core. (The gentleman's evening is playing Monopoly) MVO: But being hard-core isn't just about being tough. Richard: Oh, this is just unfair! Erica: In your face, banker. Park place is mine. Give it up. Come on. Yeah, oh, with a hotel! I think you owe him money. (Izzie and George are in bed) MVO: It's about acceptance. Izzie: George. (Crying) I'm exhausted. Every bone...and every muscle in my body...aches. And I don't think I can do this. I don't...it's not that I don't want to, because I do. I really, really do. It's just that I...I just spent six and a half hours on my feet in surgery, and I can barely hold myself up, and I'm just so tired. this is...this is like a...a rare bird, George. You know, I mean, the first time that we're together since...since we were together, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I don't want to waste it. I don't want to waste it on a night that I'm too exhausted to enjoy it because I want to enjoy our rare bird, George. I need to enjoy our rare bird. George: Me, too. I...and oh, my hand is just...oh, it's just killing me from holding that dress. So maybe to...maybe tonight's not the perfect night. Maybe a perfect night is...another night. Izzie: Really? George: Yeah, yeah. Do you want to maybe, uh...go to sleep? Izzie: Yeah. Oh, thanks. George: Okay. Did you only shave one of your legs? Izzie: I know. I'm sorry. George: No, no, I was just wondering. It's cool. It's...it's okay. Sorry. It's...it's... Izzie: Oh, my god. I can't do it. (Meredith and Cristina are in bed) MVO: Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hard-core for once. Meredith: Maybe I should take a sleeping pill. Cristina: Oh, no. Don't do that. You'll just get strung out and turn into a bad afterschool special. We'll just sleep, and...you'll sleep. Meredith: I can't stop, Cristina. I just can't stop seeing Derek. And it's not about the s*x. It's not...about the s*x. It's about that moment afterward...when the world stops. It just feels so safe...so safe. I'm not ready to give that up. Does that make me sad and weak and pathetic? Cristina: A little bit. Meredith: What do I do? Cristina: I don't know. MVO: You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you could possibly do (Meredith hears noises from outside her room and goes to investigate. She walks out to see Alex and Lexie together)...as long as you choose your moments wisely. (She slams the door and goes back inside) Lexie: Alex, please tell me that you don't live with Meredith Grey. (Meredith looks shocked in her room)

Webber organizes a gentleman's evening, leaving Derek and Mark dumbfounded, and curious to determine what it really is. Two brides-to-be fight over a dress from a bridal store competition, and this complicates treatment, as neither will release the dress. The doctors treat a parachutist who fell 12,000 feet without a parachute. Callie searches for a way to torture George whilst trying to cope with the stress from her Chief Resident position and impending divorce. Meredith tries getting Cristina to diagnose her personal problems. Izzie prepares to sleep with George for the first time in their new relationship. Erica excludes Cristina from cardio service, which drives Cristina insane and desperate, especially when Erica has Izzie scrub in on an awake open-heart surgery. Alex takes pity on Lexie when he catches her charting in a cupboard, and they eventually sleep together.

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VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Lamb joins Keith and Veronica at a diner (from 102 "Credit Where Credit's Due"). LAMB: If it isn't my predecessor and mentor. Are you doing anything special to mark the one year anniversary of Lilly Kane's murder? KEITH: Tell me again how you solved the crime. An anonymous tip. Did anybody show up to collect the reward? Do'ya find that strange? Cut to Mac locked out of her car and Veronica opening it for her (from 108 "Like a Virgin"). MAC: Damn it! Wow. That's really criminal of you. VERONICA: I'm Veronica, by the way. MAC: Mac. Cut to Veronica at her mother's safety deposit box, looking at the pictures of her lined up in a gun sight and her observing Wiedman from her car as he enters Kane Software (audio from 109 "Drinking the Kool-Aid", visuals from 105 "You Think You Know Somebody" and 109 "Drinking the Kool-Aid"). VERONICA VOICEOVER: I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away from Neptune. Clarence Wiedman. The man who took surveillance photos of me. So if Jake Kane is my biological father, that information is going to be worth millions End previously. Open at the Mars apartment as Veronica comes out of her bedroom, into the kitchen area where Keith is standing. VERONICA: Good morning. Keith is intent on something he is reading and doesn't respond. Veronica looks over at him VERONICA: Or not. KEITH: You don't go to the oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you? VERONICA: I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there. Keith isn't amused. VERONICA: I'm kidding. Why would you ask me that? Keith holds up a newspaper, the headline of which reads: E-String Strangler Strikes Again. KEITH: Twenty year old co-ed washed up dead on the beach. Veronica comes closer to take the paper and read the story. VERONICA: Scary. Wait. Wasn't this your case? I thought they caught this guy in Oakland two years ago. KEITH: Well, apparently they didn't. Everyone wanted to believe the Oakland strangler committed the Neptune crimes too. It never quite fit. Oh, but it was so important for the mayor and the Chamber of Commerce to put that scare behind us. Veronica casts a concerned glance at her father. Cut to Neptune High. Veronica and Wallace are threading their way through the students in the outdoor lunch area, hot dogs in hand. WALLACE: People are really freaking out about this E-String Strangler. My mom is scared to drive home alone. I told her this time she can be happy she's not the guy's type. VERONICA: My dad barely let me out of the house this morning. Another student, Jackson Douglas, butts in just as they reach an empty table. JACKSON: I hear you do detective stuff for people. VERONICA: I do favours for friends. JACKSON: I can pay. VERONICA: Sit down, friend. What can I do for you? JACKSON: I was hoping that you could find some dirt on my parents. VERONICA: [In southern accent] Why Jackson Douglas, I do declare! [Normal voice] You want me to dig up dirt on your own parents. JACKSON: I need leverage. They're crazy strict. They grounded me for two months for smoking up in my room. WALLACE: Apparently you've never spent time in a black woman's house. Be glad you're still walking. JACKSON: Yeah, well, they act like they were always perfect. And every little thing I do wrong is catalogued so they can rub my nose in it later. VERONICA: Sure you can handle the truth? The '70s and '80s were not pretty decades for people. We've all seen the pictures. JACKSON: I can handle it. VERONICA: Now as for the small matter of compensation. They are interrupted by the sound of a string quartet playing the Beatles "Happy Birthday". They turn to watch as Madison Sinclair arrives at a table of her 09er friends and gasps. MADISON: I love my parents. She hands flyers out at the table. MADISON: All right. Come to my party. No need to bring gifts. Madison gasps again as a waiter arrives with a large birthday cake and sets it down on the table. MADISON: Happy birthday to me. Madison, horribly coy and entitled, blows out her candles as Veronica and Jackson watch. VERONICA: The rite of fall. Madison Sinclair's birthday. JACKSON: Best party of the year and I can't go because I'm grounded. WALLACE: Her parents must looove her. VERONICA: They really loved her, they would've gotten the real Beatles. Cut to a piece of paper upon which is written: Jackson's Parents' Jocelyn Aardwick Douglas Alan Douglas Veronica is working at her laptop in Mars Investigations until interrupted. LAMB: [Offscreen] Veronica Mars. She looks up to see the sheriff standing before her in the company of a man in a suit. This man is the mayor of Neptune. LAMB: Is your daddy here, or is he busy peeking in people's windows? VERONICA: You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking. MAYOR: Your father? Veronica, vaguely petulant, rises from her desk and sticks her head into Keith's office. VERONICA: [Deliberately] Deputy Lamb is here. He's got the mayor with him. KEITH: Show him in. VERONICA: Yeah, sure. I'll just have Rod Serling wait out here on the couch. Veronica throws open the door to Keith's office VERONICA: The detective will see you now. The mayor casts Veronica a disapproving look before entering Keith's office. Keith rises from his desk and shakes hands with the mayor. Veronica watches from the door. MAYOR: It's been a long time, Keith. KEITH: I know. MAYOR: Good to see ya. I wish it were under better circumstances. KEITH: Sit down. The men sit. VERONICA: Can I get anybody anything? Water? Coffee? [Directly herself to Lamb] A banana? LAMB: We're good. VERONICA: Okay. Just leaving. Veronica makes a big play of shutting the door, then stands by it, trying to eavesdrop. KEITH: So how can I help you gentlemen. MAYOR: You know the situation Veronica walks back to her desk but glances continually at the closed door. Finally, it opens and Keith comes out first, followed by the mayor and an unhappy Sheriff Lamb. MAYOR: Thank you Keith. Appreciate it. KEITH: See you tomorrow, Lamb. LAMB: Um-hmm. Can't wait. The men leave. VERONICA: What was that about? What's tomorrow? KEITH: The day I go back to work at the sheriff's department. Veronica's jaw drops. Opening credits. Resume at Mars Investigations as Veronica follows Keith into his office. VERONICA: You're going back to work at the sheriff's department? KEITH: It's temporary. I'm just there to work on the E-String Strangler case. VERONICA: And you're teaming up with Lamb? KEITH: It's a bitter pill, I know but they're paying me my normal hourly. VERONICA: And Lamb agreed to this? His head didn't explode. KEITH: The mayor didn't give him a choice. I'm the closest thing they have to an E-String Strangler authority and it's a big priority for the mayor. A killer preying on partying college girls tends to kill the Spring Break business. VERONICA: So this is all about tourist revenue. God bless America. KEITH: Well, whatever their motive, I'm glad to be involved. VERONICA: Hey, if you're working at the Sheriff's office, you'll have access to the Lilly Kane files. We can finally get our hands on that Crime Stoppers Hotline recording, find out who the anonymous source was, the one who fingered Abel Koontz. KEITH: Veronica, that won't be on my agenda. Veronica is disappointed. Cut to Veronica in her 'office' at Neptune High. She is consulting the file she is holding. VERONICA: Here are the highlights. Your dad was busted trying to buy an eight ball from an undercover cop at an Eagles concert in '74, your mom had five speeding tickets and a collision on her record before she graduated high school. She hands the file to Jackson who is standing before her. He is impressed. JACKSON: I don't care what they say about you, Veronica Mars. You rock. VERONICA: Yes, I do. I also take cash. Veronica holds out her hand. Cut to the outdoor lunch area. Another student, Jasmine, approaches Veronica. CRYSTAL: I hear you can dig up dirt on parents. Veronica smiles. Cut to the sheriff's department. Keith is standing in front of the incident board with pictures of the victims. He is presenting the case to a group of deputies, including Sacks and one who will later be identified as Leo D'Amato, sitting and standing around a table that fills the room. Lamb is standing on the other side of the board. KEITH: The first two victims, Katherine Wills, Andrea Sims were found in 2001 and 2002 respectively. They had certain shared characteristics. Both were undergrads on break, both were attractive social girls, both had- LAMB: Hard partiers. KEITH: Both had high levels of alcohol in their blood and both were abducted on Friday nights. LAMB: Technically, early Saturday morning from midnight to closing time. KEITH: The bodies were found in the bay. A single nickel-plated guitar string tied around their necks. The latest victim, Amy Polk, was killed with the exact same MO. LEO: So he kills them with the guitar strings? KEITH: Naw, that's just- LAMB: It's his signature. His mark. Keith, who has done his best to ignore Lamb's constant interruptions and attempts at a pissing contest, takes a deep breath. KEITH: The girls are asphyxiated. The strangler thing came from the press, it's a misnomer. There's evidence that these women have been held for 48 hours in a contained space, basically suffocated. LAMB: The murders are reminiscent of the Hillside Strangler case. KEITH: Except the Hillside Strangler actually did strangle the girls. LAMB: Party girls, like ours. Picked up outside of bars. Killer leaves his mark. KEITH: Okay, except for the asphyxiation, the imprisonment, the body disposal, these cases have a lot in common. LEO: What do we know about the killer? KEITH: He hates women, he craves attention, he's a luuser. Lamb sighs heavily. KEITH: The weekend killings suggest the guy has a traditional job. LAMB: Amy Polk was found with wrist bands from local bars on her wrist and smudged ink on her palm that looked like it could be a phone number. Lab boys in LA are trying to decipher it. SACKS: Imagine the poor sucker waiting for that phone call. Cut to Veronica, back in the Neptune High girls' room, giving another report. VERONICA: Your mom sued her parent for emancipation when she was sixteen and then moved to Hollywood. According to the Internet Movie Database, she went on to play such roles as "Trucker's girlfriend", "Screaming maid" and "Bi-curious room mate". Veronica hands the file to Jasmine, who grins. Cut to Veronica making another report to a different student. VERONICA: Your mother was married in 1985 for 36 days. JASMINE: Shut up. She grabs the file from Veronica as Mac exits one of the cubicles and glances over to see what is going on. She observes through the mirror as she washes her hands. VERONICA: To a pro-skier she met on Spring Break. They drove to Vegas, did it drive-through style and she had it annulled. JASMINE: And she calls me boy crazy. You just made my year. Veronica smiles. Cut to Mars Investigations. Mac enters the outer office. MAC: Hey. VERONICA: Hi, Mac. MAC: Hope I'm not interrupting anything. VERONICA: Come on in. Mac sits down opposite Veronica. VERONICA: It's a spiffy new Beetle you're driving these days. MAC: Yeah. Well, the purity test was probably my finest hour but that's nothing compared to what this could be. It's time to think global and act local. Mac opens her laptop to show Veronica a site she has designed. The home page reads: Get the Dirt. MAC: Okay, you're exposing parental secrets for fifty bucks a pop. We create this website, double the fee, we have no overhead because I've already bought the domain name. With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe. As Mac talks, Veronica explores the site. The next page reads: Parent. There is then a page where a skeleton exits a closet. There is a form headed: Let's Start Digging! VERONICA: I can barely handle school and my cases as it is. MAC: Think about it. This isn't just a college fund. Potentially this is our retirement fund. VERONICA: I will definitely think about it. Mac closes the laptop and hesitates. MAC: There is just one more think, about my folks that I was wondering about. You PIs have access to search engines that would take me weeks to hack into, so I mean I have cash. VERONICA: Gotcha. Keep your money. It's a professional courtesy. Veronica opens her own laptop. MAC: It's not that they're bad parents. They just...don't get me. They're nachos and NASCAR people and I'm more... VERONICA: Falafels and Fellini? MAC: Exactly. VERONICA: Your last name's Mackenzie, right? MAC: Um-hmm, Natalie and Sam, 9715 Colony Place. The results load and return a marriage database with her parents names, dates of birth (21 November 1955 for Samuel and 11 July 1958 for Natalie) and Social Security Numbers. VERONICA: Mom is Natalie Franklin? MAC: Yep. VERONICA: Oh, you had a birthday a couple of days ago. MAC: Yeah, one more year until I can leave home. VERONICA: Okay. On Veronica's laptop, a list appears of various items. Under the heading: Division of Motor Vehicles 01-13-1973 - $250 Fine (Paid) - Speeding 55mph in 25mph Zone 10-24-1985 - $155 Fine (Paid) - Failure to Observe Traffic Signal 04-11-1992 - $120 Fine (Paid) - Illegal Passing Manoeuvre Under the heading: Internal Revenue Service 06-22-1989 Audit - Insufficient Data for Recourse Under the heading: Subscriptions 11-21-2002 - Outdoors, Inc. - 96-week subscription 09-10-2003 - Adventure Camper - 2-year subscription 10-27-2003 - NASCAR the Magazine - Renewed through 10-27-2010 Natalie's subscriptions are: 05-01-2001 - Home & Garden - Renewed through 05-01-2006 01-01-2001 - National Geographic - 3-year subscription VERONICA: Sam's had a few tickets, tax audit, nothing strange Veronica scrolls down to the last entry under the heading: External Income 05-12-1992 - Neptune Memorial Hospital - $1 million awarded in lawsuit. VERONICA: huh, except that. MAC: What? VERONICA: According to this, they won a million dollar lawsuit against Neptune Memorial Hospital in '92. MAC: No way. That's got to be a mistake. VERONICA: Hello? Sleuth prowess. MAC: Come on, they hate lawyers and they never even go near the hospital. VERONICA: You want me to look into it? MAC: Yeah, I do. Cut to Veronica using the microfiche at a library. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Neptune isn't short on millionaires but I figure a judgement that big against the local hospital might have made the papers. It's beginning to look like I'm wrong. She whizzes past a headline then backs up to it. The headline is: Hospital Takes Hit on Baby-Swap Case. Judge order hospital to pay $1 million in damages to each family. The story is written by the newspaper's staff writer, Charles Martin and has the following passages: "After five years of bitter legal battle ensnaring the lives of two Neptune families appointed in our state's legal system for allowing this to proceed as far as my court,' Judge Pockett remarked. The court verdict also contained specific lies to retain custody,' Sarah Epstein, the Plaintiff' lawyer, explained. 'Too much upheaval would have" VERONICA VOICEOVER: Hold the phone! I was expecting something like "Woman Accidentally Receives Pig Heart" but no, I have to find out the one thing that can completely wreck Mac's life. Veronica focuses on a particular passage: "the children's privacy. Also, both families have agreed to keep their non-biological children. Neptune Memorial Hospital spokes-" VERONICA VOICEOVER: How do you live a normal life once you find out you were switched at birth. Cut to Lamb and Keith entering a guitar store. The sound of a session booms out. KEITH: [Shouts] Hello Cleveland. Lamb looks at him as if he has gone mad. KEITH: [By way of explanation] "Spinal Tap". LAMB: What? KEITH: The movie "Spinal Tap". You've never seen "Spinal Tap"? LAMB: No. KEITH: That explains a lot. They head for the counter behind which is a room from which the noise is emanating as three guys play. LAMB: Is there someone that actually works here? One of the guys playing, who is called Gabe, turns and shouts at them above the noise. GABE: Dawg, look like you need help. Keith nods, smiling. Lamb is bored and impatient. KEITH: He's waiting for you to throw your panties. Gabe comes to the counter, still playing. LAMB: Can we lose the noise? GABE: Noise! [Dodgy Britpunk accent] All I hear are sound waves woven into melodic poetry. Gabe gives a shout and carries on playing. Keith leans forward and puts his hand on the guitar's string. Gabe is forced to stop. KEITH: Hey! We can do this here or down at the sheriff's department. Maintaining his open mouthed rocker style, Gabe walks back to the entrance to the room behind and slides the glass door shut. The noise is immediately and effectively muted. Gabe smiles and goes dorky. GABE: So what's up? You lookin' for a band to play the policeman's ball? Keith holds up an evidence envelope with a guitar string enclosed. KEITH: We're looking for a murderer. Found this guitar string tied around the neck of his last victim. Is there anything special about it? Gabe takes and examines it. GABE: This exact string? This is a triple nickel antioxidant special order string we get for just one customer. A guy we call Devil Dave. LAMB: [Excited] Do you know where we can find this Devil Dave? GABE: [Calls out] Devil Daaaave? DAVE: Huh? A nerdy look guy strumming an acoustic guitar in the shop looks up. GABE: Did you kill anyone this week? DAVE: Uh-uh. KEITH: Your basic guitar string? Gabe laughs manically. GABE: Same as any other string. Betcha the criminals in town are shakin' in their boots knowin' you're on the case. Mental note: put in a security system. KEITH: Right. Keith and Lamb turn to go but Gabe wants to bait them and hooks Lamb back. GABE: So ya, ya think the killer's a guitar player? That is brilliant. I think guitar players are a little too busy nailin' women to strangle 'em. Ooooww! LAMB: Even the wannabes and losers living in Neptune who don't realize if they haven't made it by the time they turn thirty it's because they're not going to? They're too busy? Gabe adopts an offended look. Lamb glances at a full scale cartoon of a guitar player behind Gabe. LAMB: Nice art work. Yours? Gabe steps back and strikes the pose of the subject of the cartoon. GABE: Guitar players, the heroes of our modern age. LAMB: Strappin' on a guitar. Does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy? GABE: Does strappin' on a gun? Lamb winks in an "I've got you number" sort of way and turns to go. Cut to Veronica, arriving at the door of a house, looking concerned. The door has a Christmas wreath on it. Mac opens the door. MAC: Hey. VERONICA: Got a minute? Mac gestures for her to enter. In the lounge is a huge Christmas tree. MAC: Ho, ho, ho. There are more, and garish, decorations as she leads Veronica to a short hallway. A ball misses her. She looks up to see her little brother, gun in hand. He giggles and runs back into his room, slamming the door behind him. MAC: [Shouts after him] Ryan, open that door and you'll know pain like you've never known in your pathetic little life. Mac gives Veronica an apologetic grin then opens the door to her room. It is covered with art posters, looking more like a gallery. She has books everywhere. MAC: Enjoy the peace. Lasts about seven minutes tops. Veronica is seriously impressed with the room. VERONICA: Whoa. Who's your curator? MAC: You like it? It's my own little cave. Whenever I run out of space, my dad just builds me more shelves. There's a knock on the door immediately followed by Mac's mother, Natalie, bringing in a tray. NATALIE: Knock, knock. You must be Veronica. I wasn't sure if you were a normal eater or one of those freakball vegans, like Cindy. VERONICA: Uh, more normal than freakball, thanks. Natalie smiles and wants to stay and chat. MAC: Okay, thanks Mom. NATALIE: Okay. Natalie gets it and goes, leaving the girls alone. VERONICA: Cindy? MAC: It won out over Barbie. So what did you find out? Has to be pretty big for you to come deliver it in person, VERONICA: [Sighs heavily]Um MAC: Suspense effectively built. Hit me. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dad always says, this is the job. Telling people stuff they might not want to know or might be better off not knowing. Veronica slowly pulls up a chair and sits in front of Mac, who is now sitting on her bed. VERONICA: It is big, like, life-altering big, so you should really think about if you want to hear it or if you'd rather just forget it and go on with your life. And may I suggest option B. MAC: I'm adopted, aren't I? Go ahead and tell me, it would explain a lot. VERONICA: [Slowly] Well, yes and no, um, the Mackenzies aren't your biological parents. MAC: So what does that mean. VERONICA: [Sighs again] You were sent home from the hospital with the wrong family. MAC: Oh my god. VERONICA: And there's more. MAC: More than that? VERONICA: Another family was awarded a million dollars at the same time. MAC: Okay. VERONICA: Um, another baby girl, born the day after you were and your biological parents took her home. MAC: Another girl, born a day after me. [Comprehension dawns] I was switched at birth with Madison Sinclair? Cut to Keith in a darkened interrogation room at the sheriff's department. He is seated at the table and has a picture in his hand. KEITH: You were bartending Friday night at Body Shots when Amy Polk came in. [Sliding the picture across the table] Recognise her? Vic Sciaraffa, sitting on the other side of the table, picks up the picture, glances at it and throws it back across the table. Lamb can be seen leaning against the wall in the corner of the room. VIC: Honestly, I can't tell them apart anymore. They all have that same sorority girl in heat look to me. LAMB: We suspect she was there with the man who killed her and you remember him. VIC: Gentlemen, I can't help you. It was Friday night and Friday night is ladies night. Two for one shots. It's wall to wall drunk bitches. KEITH: Do you mind toning down the language. VIC: [Insincerely] Ooops. Sorry. Vic is blas and puts his feet up on the table, staring Keith down. He then looks behind Keith and sees Veronica as she peers into the room through the slatted window blind. VIC: Mmm mmm. Now that one, I would've noticed. Keith looks behind him. Veronica holds up a bag to indicate she has some food for him and then walks away. Keith turns back to Vic. KEITH: That's my daughter. VIC: Wouldn't mind havin' her call me daddy. In one fluid movement, Keith rises off his chair, grabs Vic's feet on the table and throws them up off the table. Vic overbalances and falls to the floor. Vic quickly gets to his feet. KEITH: Whoops! Sorry! Sit down. Cut to Veronica in the reception part of the sheriff's department, clutching the bag. She approaches Leo at his desk.. LEO: Can I help you? VERONICA: You must be new. I'm Keith Mars' daughter, Veronica. LEO: Ah. Leo. VERONICA: Did you just tell me your sign? LEO: [Smiling broadly] My name, actually, though I am coincidentally enough a Leo. VERONICA: I'm just bringing some food for my dad. LEO: Ah well, you can put it on his desk if you want, unless it's gonna go bad or something, then we have a mini-fridge, I could put it in there. VERONICA: I might just take you up on that 'cause there's coleslaw. LEO: No problem. Veronica hands him the bag and he takes it away. Veronica takes the opportunity to check out the counters, looking for something which she doesn't find. She gets back in front of Leo's desk as he returns. LEO: Word of caution. You probably shouldn't trust me. VERONICA: Oh yeah? LEO: Every night at nine, the whole crew goes out to dinner leaving the rookie here to answer the phones. I usually wind up getting dinner at a candy machine. A pastrami sandwich could prove to be very tempting. VERONICA: [Putting her hands on her hips] You looked in my bag. LEO: I told you, I'm a scoundrel. VERONICA: A rogue deputy is among us. No sandwich is safe. LEO: I tell you what. If you promise to come back and visit me, I will stay out of the fridge. VERONICA: Deal. Veronica turns and walks away, looking like the cat that got the cream. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Oh my Deputy Leo. You might as well leave me a key and a map. She throws a smile back at him. He watches appreciatively. Cut back to the interrogation room. Keith and Vic have returned to their positions at the table and Lamb is pacing. LAMB: What about the guys who hang at Body Shots? Anyone suspicious? VIC: Mostly loud-mouth frat boys. You know who you should talk to. The Worm. KEITH: The Worm? VIC: Yeah, this guy who shoot videotapes of all the girls, then sells them to "Girls Gone Bad". KEITH: Where do we find the Worm? Cut to Keith and Lamb approaching an apartment. Lamb is about to rap on the door when Keith grabs hold of his arm, listening intently at the door. The moans and groans of sexual activity can be heard. LAMB: Think he's got a girl in there? KEITH: I think he's got a video rental. Keith pounds on the door. The sounds cut off and Eddie LaRoche pokes his head around the door, looking nervously at his visitors. EDDIE: Yeah, can I help you? LAMB: Sheriff's department. We need to ask you a few questions. KEITH: [Holding up a picture] You recognise her? EDDIE: No. KEITH: Are you sure? 'Cause we heard you were filming at Body Shots the night she disappeared. Take another look. Lamb peers into Eddie's room as Keith talks, spotting a stack of videos and a guitar. Keith hands Eddie the picture. Eddie takes it and examines it for a moment before handing it back. EDDIE: No, really, I don't know her. Listen, I've gotta get dressed for work, so if that's everything KEITH: Sure, no problem, thanks for your time. EDDIE: Right. KEITH: Hey, if you think of anything, just give us a call. Keith hands Eddie a card and Eddie shuts the door. Throughout this exchange, Lamb is staring at Keith as if he has gone mad. Keith walks away and Lamb, frozen for a second, follows. LAMB: I guess you didn't notice, the guitar sitting out there in plain sight. KEITH: I saw it. LAMB: So what does he need, a shirt reading "I'm the E-String Killer, arrest me"? Let's go back. KEITH: He needed to look like he's not going to soil himself. If he gets any more freaked out, he's going to destroy those tapes before we get a warrant. LAMB: You should have consulted me first. KEITH: What did you want me to do, consult you in pig-latin? He was standing right there! LAMB: You don't make the decisions around here. I am the Sheriff. KEITH: I noticed. Thank you. Keith walks on while Lamb casts a longing look back at Eddie's door. Cut to Neptune High, outside, as students arrive. Veronica joins Mac as they walk along. Mac is clutching a flyer. VERONICA: Hey, did you get any sleep last night because I- Veronica notices and grabs the flyer out of Mac's hands. VERONICA: Helping to keep America beautiful by picking up the litter? Mac grabs it back and grins ruefully. MAC: Wanna crash a party with me? VERONICA: Bad idea, Mac. Bad, bad idea. MAC: It's my chance to see how the other half lives, especially since I should have been the other half. Mac walks on. Veronica pauses, staring at her with concern. "Brilliant Sky" by Saybia starts up. SONG: Nothing has changed, I'm exactly the same As before we went cruising In a high speed lane I'm still dreaming of open sky, Open road But grass is not greener On the other side I know by now 'cause I walked the red carped and died There is so much more to life Than what meets the eye We're running wild on the ocean Running wild Brilliant sky all over Cut to night, outside Madison Sinclair's house. Wallace, Veronica and Mac walk up to the entrance, drawing surprised glances. WALLACE: So this is where the bourgie folks live? VERONICA: Upper upper bourgie. MAC: It'll be fine. The front door, with its "Happy Birthday" banner, is opened by Madison, whose smile drops. VERONICA, WALLACE and MAC: Hey, happy birthday. MADISON: What are you doing here? WALLACE: I came to celebrate your birth, but these two just wanna hook up. MADISON: I mean, who invited you? WALLACE: That would be Seth Russell, from History? The three of them step in, forcing a horrified Madison to step back. VERONICA: No, it was Adam Bunting. MAC: Adam Bunting. Isn't that the guy who looks like Fievel? VERONICA: No, no, that's Adam Hamilton. Nobody talks to him, he's poor. MAC: He still looks like Feivel. MADISON: But... I didn't invite Adam! WALLACE: I remember, it was Kevin Powell. MADISON: Who? WALLACE: Kevin Powell. While Wallace keeps Madison occupied, Mac and Veronica wander off. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The last time I crashed an 09er party, I got ridiculed, roofied and woke up missing my underwear. You can imagine how glad I am to be back. Another student comes up behind Veronica. BUD: Hey, hey. I hear you're working some magic lately. Uh, can you help me get my parents off my back. MAC: I'm gonna go find a bathroom. VERONICA: Uh, shop's closed right now, Bud. He grimaces and gives her a pleading look. VERONICA: All right, come see me at school on Monday. BUD: Yeah. Cut to Mac, walking through the crowd. The music changes to Amy Cook's "Fireflies" . SONG: Orange moon lies low Up against a western sky Soon we'll see all our troubles disappear Underneath its watchful eye Meet me in Dockweiler Tonight We'll watch the waves roll in and the plains blow on by We'll build a bonfire And laugh at all life's crazy twists and turns Bonfire And as the flames flicker Burn out bright We're fireflies Tonight Mac sees various pictures of Madison at the Pyramids, St Mark's Square, the Taj Mahal, the Arc de Triomphe. Mac swallows and moves on as one of the 09er boys gives her a curious, contemptuous look. Mac moves into a large library and is captivated. A young girl, about ten, pops her head from around the large leather chair in which she is sitting, startling Mac. LAUREN: Hi. MAC: Hi. LAUREN: You didn't see me, huh. Mac shakes her head. LAUREN: I'm Lauren, I'm Madison's sister. MAC: Hi Lauren. I'm Mac. LAUREN: That's a cool name. MAC: Thanks. So. What are you reading? Mac moves further into the room and sits opposite Lauren, putting down her bag. LAUREN: "The Westing Game". It's really good. MAC: Yeah, it is. LAUREN: I'll probably finish it tonight. Madison says I have to stay in here. Loud footsteps sound as an angry Madison enters. MADISON: What are you doing in my parent's library? LAUREN: She's read my book. MADISON: No one's supposed to be here. It's off limits. Veronica races in behind Madison. VERONICA: There you are. MADISON: And you. I won't even start. LAUREN: God, Madison, they're here for your party. MADISON: No, Lauren, they're crashing my party. You need to leave. You don't belong here. MAC: Well actually- Veronica grabs Mac and leads her out of the room. VERONICA: We were just leaving, right Mac? Happy Birthday, Madison. Thanks for being such a gracious host. Martha Stewart has nothing on you. Cut to Veronica pulling up outside the Mackenzies. The outside is as garishly decorated as the inside with hundreds of lights. Mac sits in the passenger seat. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I could tell Mac I know how she feels, but the truth is, I don't. When I had the opportunity to learn my paternity, I chose blissful ignorance with a side of gnawing doubt. MAC: Think she's even read five books in that library? She wouldn't know Monet's Water Lilies unless Revlon named a nail polish after it. [Snorts] I have a blood sister I've never even heard of. VERONICA: And Madison has a brother. MAC: Why didn't they just trade us back? We would have gotten over it eventually. VERONICA: I suppose they got kind of attached in those first four years. MAC: They should have figured it out way before then. At two I was spitting out corn dogs and tuning the radio to NPR. Did you ever find out what happened to that million dollars? VERONICA: Still working on it, [hopefully] unless you wanna just blow it off. MAC: No. Keep checking. I've come this far. See ya. Mac gets out of the car. Cut to the car park at the sheriff's department. Lamb is getting a box of videos out of the boot of his car while Keith is on his cell phone. KEITH: Okay, well, thanks for calling me back. He finishes his call and approaches Lamb. KEITH: That was one of the "Girls Gone Bad" producers. They've never even heard of Eddie LaRoche. LAMB: Ah, so this guy's been videotaping girls for his own personal enjoyment. Nice. Told you I had a bad feeling about that guy. Keith reaches into the boot to grab another box. KEITH: This the stuff from his apartment? LAMB: Yeah. Pervert's recorded 40 tapes-worth of girls flashing their ta-tas. KEITH: Okay, well, we should split these up- LAMB: We'll split 'em up and we'll see if any of the victims are on 'em. KEITH: Perfect. Leo runs up behind them. LEO: Hey. Strings from Eddie's guitar match the strings left on the victims. Keith and Lamb share a satisfied look. Cut to a clock in the sheriff's department, showing the time as 9:07. Veronica enters, carrying a pizza in a large box. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I know, I'm shameless. But every time I start to feel guilty, I remind myself that Lilly would be thinking about colleges right now or what new CD played at maximum volume would most annoy her mother. And I remember my mission. She pauses at the counter and sees Leo, on his own in the office, his back turned to her. She dings the counter bell. He turns and grins. She holds out the pizza box invitingly. VERONICA: Hungry? Cut to later with them sitting at his desk, enjoying the pizza. VERONICA: So what made you decide to be a cop? LEO: Oh, well the same old tired story. I was sent here by the agency to do a strip-o-gram for Inga. Veronica laughs. LEO: An armed robbery call came in, I figured I was in uniform anyway, so what the hell. VERONICA: So you're saying you just kind of stumbled into it. LEO: Uh, what I'm trying to say is, this uniform, it's-it's a tear-away. Veronica laughs again, genuinely amused. WEEVIL: [Offscreen and loudly] Hello? Weevil is at the counter and bangs on the bell. WEEVIL: Is anyone back there? Leo gets up and goes to the counter, his back to Veronica. WEEVIL: Hi! LEO: Hi. WEEVIL: I need to talk to someone about the noise level Veronica slides open a couple of the drawers of Leo's desk until she finds keys.. WEEVIL: [Offscreen] in my neighbourhood which is truly out of control! LEO: [Offscreen] Uh-huh WEEVIL: [Offscreen] I mean, you got motorcycle gangs, gunshots LEO: [Offscreen] Wh- WEEVIL: [Offscreen] heavy metal music? It's gotten to the point where I can't even sleep at night. Veronica runs on tip-toes to the evidence room. LEO: [Offscreen] Well, why don't- WEEVIL: [Offscreen] I'll bet that if my zip code ended in 0909, you'd have a patrol car swinging by the house every 10 minutes. [Adopting a hokey accent] "Good evening Mr. Weevil. Is there anything we can do for you?" That kind of service. Veronica searches. WEEVIL: [Offscreen] But no, it's the barrio. So you figure, hey, they'll sort it out themselves. She finds a box and pulls it out. Cut to Weevil as he throws himself into his part. WEEVIL: And don't get me started on what this is doing to the property values in my neighbourhood! Cut back to Veronica as she searches through the box. She finds a CD entitled: Crime Stoppers Hotline. WEEVIL: [Offscreen] I have a good mind to run for the city council and if I win, I'll promise you this. Cut to Weevil, who sees Veronica return to her place as Leo's desk. WEEVIL: Heads will roll. LEO: We could send a patrol car by.... WEEVIL: I'm wondering if I'm better off speaking with your supervisor. LEO: Well, he won't be in until morning. WEEVIL: Well then you leave the sheriff a note: he shouldn't expect Eli Navarro Esquire's vote this year! Weevil finishes with a flourish of bell ringing and Leo returns to his desk. LEO: Sorry, couldn't get rid of him. VERONICA: No problem. Cut to a little later as they are finishing the pizza. LEO: Seventeen? [Laughs ruefully] You're seventeen? VERONICA: I don't see how my age is relevant to this discussion. LEO: Well then, you're not reading my mind. VERONICA: I'm afraid to ask. And how old are you? LEO: Twenty. VERONICA: Yeah, I can read the wisdom in your eyes. LEO: I've one line, that's it. You wanna hear it? VERONICA: Sure. LEO: My band's playing this weekend. If you wanna come down, I'll put you on the guest list. VERONICA: [With mock scepticism] And that line works? LEO: On occasion. But the good thing about the line is, it's a no-risk line. You throw it out there. If she shows up, hey, she's interested. If she doesn't, you haven't embarrassed yourself. Of course, if the girl you're chatting up can't get into the club then the whole thing's kinda useless. VERONICA: A cop that rocks. What will they think of next? LEO: I'm trying to cover all fantasy bases. Veronica laughs. Cut to Veronica in her bedroom with the CD in hand. She puts it on the laptop and plugs in earphones. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The Crime Stoppers Hotline CD I snuck out of the evidence room should have a recording of every call on it. What I wanna know? Who gift wrapped Abel Koontz for Sheriff Lamb. She listens to the variety of voices, becoming increasing bored and frustrated. HOTLINE CALLERS: There's been a suspicious vehicle parked on my street for days and I'm wondering if it's somehow connected to the Lilly Kane murder I think I saw the girl on the day of the murder, at the gas station on main What's up? It was me. I killed her My neighbour? I can hear him I have grave concerns about a sheriff's department I would love to send them a card The logical by-product of the evil practices of Kane Software She sits up when she hears a deep, electronically distorted voice. [SCENE_BREAK] VOICE: I know who killed the Kane girl. His name is Abel Koontz. He lives in a houseboat on the marina. Cut to Keith in the living room, watching one of Eddie's tapes on the TV. He pauses the picture when he sees Amy Polk. Cut to his arrival at the sheriff's department. He goes to Lamb's office. KEITH: Amy Polk is on this tape. Let's bring this guy in. LAMB: As always, a day late and a dollar short. I already got him sweating in interrogation. [Holding up a picture] She was on one of mine. KEITH: So how you wanna play this? LAMB: I say we play to our strengths. KEITH: So I'm good cop? Cut to Eddie in the interrogation room. He appears completely strung out. Lamb puts his face near his ear. LAMB: Why don't you admit it, scumbag? Say it. [Whispers] I killed those girls. EDDIE: I wanna go home. LAMB: Oh, I'm sure you do. But you still haven't told us why two of the murdered girls ended up in your little do-it-yourself porno tapes. KEITH: Why'd you lie to us, Eddie? Why'd you tell us you didn't know Amy Polk. EDDIE: There have been so many. LAMB: Why'd you keep them alive 48 hours, huh? Are you lonely Eddie, did you just need someone to talk to. Huh? Eddie draws a deep, raspy breath, as if in pain. EDDIE: If I tell you can I go home? Lamb looks up at Keith, triumphant. He slaps a pad of paper in front of Eddie. LAMB: Start writing. We'll see. KEITH: Don, can I talk to you a sec? Both move just outside the interrogation room. KEITH: [Quietly] Everything we have on this guy is circumstantial. I mean, obviously he has some mental issues. No judge is gonna allow his confession. LAMB: I'll take that chance. KEITH: I'm saying I'm not sure he's our guy. LAMB: [Sighs heavily] What's the problem? Too easy for you? KEITH: Let me ask you something. Where did he keep those girls for all that time? It couldn't have been his apartment, the walls are too thin. We know he doesn't have other property. I don't think we can eliminate the possibility that it was someone else. LAMB: [Sarcastically] Like who? Jake Kane? Keith sighs as Lamb looks into the interrogation room through the window. LAMB: Ah, well lookie here. He's writing. [Dismissive] Keith, I'll handle it from here. We'll send you a cheque. Keith holds back his anger and Lamb re-enters the interrogation room. LAMB: What do you got for me, Eddie? Is it a page turner? Eddie slides the pad across the table towards Lamb. He picks it up and reads the words: I want a lawyer. Eddie stares at him malevolently as he slaps the pad back down on the table. Cut to Veronica at her desk at Mars Investigations. She's on the phone. MAC: [Offscreen] Hello? VERONICA: Mac. It's Veronica, hey. I just emailed you a sound file. The voice on it has been digitally altered. Do you think you can strip it down? MAC: [Offscreen] Maybe, I'll give it a shot. VERONICA: Thanks. Also, I think I found out what happened to the money from the lawsuit. You know "Funtime Motors"? They sell jet skis and four wheelers? Cut to Mac, sitting in her car using her cell phone. Thereafter the scenes cut between them MAC: Yeah, sure. My dad's a salesman there. VERONICA: He used to own it. VERONICA: Your dad started that business in 1992. He filed for bankruptcy in 1994 and it was bought out in early '95. There is a long pause. VERONICA: You still there? MAC: I'm okay, Veronica, really. VERONICA: Mac, I know this is hard to hear but you did have a choice in all this. There's a reason this was kept a secret. MAC: Yeah. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. I just need time to think. I'll talk to you later. Mac gets out of her car. She is in front of the Sinclair's house. She rings the bell. Mrs Sinclair, a brunette looking remarkably like Mac opens the door. She appears to recognise Mac but doesn't acknowledge it. MRS SINCLAIR: [Cautiously] Hello. MAC: [Emotionally] Hi. [Pauses] I'm Cindy. I think I-I left my purse in the library when I was here for Madison's party. MRS SINCLAIR: [Surprised] You were okay, well, come in. Mac enters the house as Mrs Sinclair, concerned, shuts the door. They go into the dining room where Lauren is reading. MRS SINCLAIR: Lauren, this is- LAUREN: Hi Mac. MAC: Hey. Finish your book, yet? LAUREN: Twenty pages left. Can't wait. MRS SINCLAIR: Mac thinks she might have left her purse in the library. Would you go check? MAC: It's leopard print. Lauren leaves the room and Mrs Sinclair turns to Mac. They are careful with each other. MRS SINCLAIR: So, how's school? MAC: It's good. I mean the actual school part is good, anyway. MRS SINCLAIR: What kind of college do you think you'll- MADISON: [Offscreen and imperious] Mom! Did you Madison comes down the stairs. MADISON: pick up the dry cleaning? I can't find- She stops when she sees Mac. MRS SINCLAIR: Oh, hi honey. I guess you know Cindy. She thinks she might have left something here. MADISON: You were here long enough to leave something? MRS SINCLAIR: So, anybody want a snack? MADISON: No thanks. I'm not hungry. MAC: Sure, if it's not too much trouble. MRS SINCLAIR: No, no trouble at all. Mrs Sinclair puts a comforting hand on Mac's arm. Madison snorts in derision. MADISON: I'm going upstairs. Madison turns on her heel and heads back to the stairs, sharing a dirty look with her sister as Lauren returns with Mac's bag. MAC: Thank you. MRS SINCLAIR: So I could make you a sandwich or MAC: You know, I-I should probably go. It was nice to- MRS SINCLAIR: Are you sure? Both are emotional and Mac races out of the house, Mrs Sinclair gazing longingly after her. Cut to the sheriff's department. Keith is packing up his stuff when a distraught woman runs in. WOMAN: Somebody help me, please? Leo goes to the counter as Keith watches. LEO: What's the problem? WOMAN: My daughter Kelly. She went off last night with a group of girlfriends, even though I warned her not to go to those bars. She didn't come home. LEO: Ma'am, I'm sure she's all right. Lamb comes out from his office. LAMB: What's going on here? KEITH: Her daughter's missing. WOMAN: The strangler's got her. I know he does. If you don't find her, I will hold you responsible. All of you. Lamb looks back at Keith. Cut to Keith, unpacking his stuff again in Lamb's office. Lamb enters. LAMB: What are you doing here? I told you, you're out. KEITH: Yeah, well, that was before I knew there was another girl missing. Sacks and another deputy come to the door of the office. SACKS: We got the test results back from the writing on the victim's palm. They were able to put together a seven digit number. It belongs to Vic Sciaraffa. KEITH: The bartender from Body Shots. LAMB: Who's out in the field? SACKS: Haymark and Jones. LAMB: Send them to his apartment- SACKS: Already did. He's not there and his car isn't in the carport. LAMB: I want you to send out an APB, notify the Feds. We gotta move on this thing. Okay, let's go. Lamb shuffles everyone out except Keith. Cut to a little later. Keith is on his cell. KEITH: Veronica, hey, it's Dad. I just need to know where you are right now. Cut to the tracker in Keith's car as he drives in the night. KEITH: Veronica? It's me again. Listen, I'm tracking your phone right now. Can you call me as soon as you get this? Keith pulls up outside some derelict looking buildings. He approaches a door and can hear a guitar playing. He bangs on the door to no end. He draws his gun and heads to a smaller door round the side. He kicks it in. Two guitarists stop playing, shocked at the gun pointed at them. Leo, playing drums, jerks back in his seat. GUITARIST: It's cool. It's cool. Veronica steps slowly towards her father. Keith lowers the gun. VERONICA: [Embarrassed] Dad, everyone. Everyone, Dad. EVERYONE: Hey. Hey. Ah, dude. Keith goes to Veronica. KEITH: Are you okay, honey? VERONICA: Aside from never wanting to show my face again. LEO: What's going on? KEITH: There's a new girl missing. The killer might still be on the loose and he's he might be a guy who doesn't like me and does like you. As he gets his equilibrium back, Keith glances from Veronica to Leo. KEITH: So you two know each other? VERONICA: Did I forget to mention that? Keith notices the cladding on the walls. KEITH: You do this yourself? LEO: Yeah, we were getting a lot of noise complaints from the neighbours. Something clicks. Keith addresses the lead guitarist. KEITH: Will you follow Veronica back to the sheriff's department? GUITARIST: Yeah. KEITH: [To Leo] You got your piece with you? LEO: Ah, yeah. KEITH: [To Veronica] Okay, you go, [then to Leo with a gesture] come here. Veronica watches with bemusement as Leo follows Keith out. Cut to Keith and Leo screeching to a stop outside the guitar shop. Keith is on the radio. KEITH: Deputy D'Amato and I are checking out Evermore Guitars. It's probably nothing. RADIO: Roger. They get out of the car and inspect the door. KEITH: Closed Saturday and Sunday. Abducts the girl Friday, disposes of the body Sunday night. It's a theory at least. They back away to look at the premises. LEO: What do you wanna do? KEITH: Find a way in. Keith picks up something from the ground. LEO: What is it? KEITH: Wrist band from Body Shots. Keith gets a crowbar from the boot of his car and applies it to the door. KEITH: Hey, can you stay here? Give me a signal if he shows up. Cut to Keith in the store. He throws open the sliding glass door into the room behind the counter. In the dark, he painfully bumps into a drum set, causing the symbol to clang. He hears a muffled cry. KELLY: Hello? Is someone out there? KEITH: [Shouting] Hold on, hold on, I'm coming for ya. Keith hits a switch for light but instead turns on disco lights which do little to illuminate the scene. He heads for what looks like a small refrigerator. KEITH: I'm with the sheriff's department. Hang tight. He frantically applies the crowbar to the padlock. Behind him, and unseen, a figure is creeping down the stairs in the corner of the room, holding some sort of weapon. Keith gets the padlock off and wrenches open the fridge. He pulls Kelly out. KEITH: Are you okay? Breathe. She does and looks up and over Keith's shoulder. She screams. Gabe is behind Keith, arms raised to bring his weapon down on his head. Before he can, he is tackled from behind by Leo. Gabe gets the upper hand and is on top of Leo. He starts to choke him. He stops when he hears Keith's gun cocked close to his head. KEITH: Stop. Now, or I will shoot you. Gabe knows it's all over. Cut to the sheriff's department. Leo is packing stuff up at his desk. Veronica approaches. VERONICA: You know, saving the life of a gal's dad, smooth. LEO: [Softly] Hey. Veronica notes his muted response and what hs is doing. VERONICA: Is everything okay? LEO: Not really. Sheriff just came and told me I've been suspended for a week seeing as the evidence room was left unlocked on my shift the other night. Somebody must have snuck off with the key when I wasn't looking. You know anything about that? Veronica gives him a baleful, and guilty, look. LEO: [Chuckles] Can't say I wasn't warned. Leo leaves. Veronica watches him sadly. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Same old story. Girl uses boy. Girl falls for boy. Boy saves girl's dad's life. Girl gets what she deserves. Her cell rings. VERONICA: Yeah? Cut to Mac, at home and thereafter between them. MAC: It's me. Are you busy? VERONICA: No, I'm suddenly very free. MAC: I decoded the message, I think, so do you wanna swing by tomorrow morning and hear it? VERONICA: Sure. MAC: You gotta make it early though. I'm going camping with my family. VERONICA: Camping? MAC: It's a bi-annual rite of torture. Cut to the next morning. Natalie is racing about as Veronica and Mac sit at the dining table at the laptop. MAC: I'll play this recording at a few different speeds. Tell me when you think it's right. VERONICA: Sounds good. NATALIE: Oh, ah, honey. Did you remember a pillow? MAC: Yeah, I've packed it. NATALIE: Good. Natalie carries on racing about. VERONICA: So where are you guys headed? MAC: Ah, Yosemite maybe. I never know 'til I get there. Okay, here we go. VOICE: The Kane girl. His name is Abel Koontz. VERONICA: No, nothing yet. MAC: Let's try this. VOICE: I know who killed the Kane girl. MAC: Veronica, I gotta go soon. VERONICA: I know. Can you just try it one more time. VOICE: His name is Abel Koontz. He lives in a houseboat on the marina. VERONICA: Stop. I know who it is. Cut to outside Mac's home. Ryan is running around the camper with his ball gun. NATALIE: Ryan, if you don't want to be left, I suggest you get into this camper. Natalie chases Ryan offscreen as Mac's father, Samuel, comes out of the camper. SAMUEL: Honey, you have everything you need, uh, pocket knife, headlamp, latest works of staggering genius? MAC: Yeah, Dad, it's all accounted for. SAMUEL: All right. Samuel heads back towards the house and Mac sticks some stuff into the camper. When she turns, she sees a small car on the other side of the road. 46bliss's beautiful "The Way You Are" starts up. SONG: All the way around alone. All, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone All, all, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone All, all, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone All, all, all the way home All, all, all the way around alone Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place Put yourself, put yourself in my place It's Mrs Sinclair. Mac walks up to the car. The window is rolled up. Mac puts her spread hand on the window. Mrs Sinclair covers her hand with her own, the glass between. She starts to sob as they stare at each other. Cut to Natalie and Samuel, ready to go. NATALIE: Cindy! What are you doing? Come on, let's go. MAC: I'll be there in a minute, Mom. As Mac turns to address her parents, her hand drops. Mrs Sinclair drives away. Mac stares after the car then rejoins her family. MAC: So where are we going this year, anyway? NATALIE: Come on. Let's hit the road. Cut to Veronica at Mars Investigations. She puts her telephoto lens on her camera. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I suppose this isn't my smartest move. I don't care. I want him to know what it feels like. Cut to Kane Sofware. A man approaches a reception desk. RECEPTIONIST: Hey boss. Package came for you. She slides an envelope over the counter. He opens it as he walks away and finds pictures of himself, for it is Clarence Wiedman, on his own, with a small boy and with Jake Kane. He returns to the receptionist. WIEDMAN: How'd this package arrive? RECEPTIONIST: Messenger. WIEDMAN: I wanna find out who paid to have it sent here. Today. Wiedman goes to his office (#162). VERONICA VOICEOVER: You send target photos of me to my mom. You call in the Abel Koontz tip. Two words for you, Clarence Wiedman: game on. End.

Students hire Veronica to dig up dirt on their parents, and she discovers that Mac was switched at birth with 09er Madison Sinclair, who was among those at the party where Veronica was raped. Keith and Sheriff Lamb work together to solve the E-String Strangler case.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_20x13

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_20x13_0

TERMINUS BY: STEPHEN GALLAGHER Part One First Air Date: 15 February 1983 Running time: 24:58 [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: I'm scared. This place is like a maze. Where am I supposed to be going? GUARDIAN (OOV.): Your function is to obey, not question. TURLOUGH: I may not have must time. I don't think they trust me, especially Tegan. GUARDIAN (OOV.): The roundel behind you. GUARDIAN (OOV.): That one. Open it. GUARDIAN (OOV.): Operate the blue switches. Now you'll be able to remove the space-time element from beneath the console. TURLOUGH: Which switches will release the TARDIS to my control? GUARDIAN (OOV.): Do only as I say. TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough! GUARDIAN (OOV.): Quickly, close the roundel. TURLOUGH: Now what do I do? GUARDIAN (OOV.): Go to the console room. TURLOUGH: And? Where have you gone? TEGAN: Who were you talking to? TURLOUGH: Oh, no one. I was singing. Not very well, I'm afraid. TEGAN: Why didn't you answer when I called? TURLOUGH: I'm very sorry, I didn't hear you. TEGAN: You're up to something, I can feel it. TURLOUGH: I'm simply looking around. The TARDIS is so very large. TEGAN: What have you been doing? Have you touched anything? TURLOUGH: You look so sweet when you get angry. TEGAN: I'm being serious. What have you been doing? TURLOUGH: Nothing. You're being foolishly and unjustifiably suspicious. Tegan, why do you dislike me so much? TEGAN: You're unreliable. TURLOUGH: You hardly know me. TEGAN: I heard the way you were talking to the Doctor. TURLOUGH: Being friendly hardly makes me unreliable. TEGAN: It's the way you were doing it. TURLOUGH: Oh, you would prefer I used your sledgehammer tactics? TEGAN: At least I'm honest. TURLOUGH: Being rude isn't honest. Neither is overreacting. If I choose to smooth the way with a smile and a soft phrase, that doesn't make me unreliable. Charm, the way I use it, is to disagree agreeably. TEGAN: You were using it to deceive. TURLOUGH: Oh, you're so typical of your planet, reduced to shouting if you can't have your own way. TEGAN: I am not! TURLOUGH: No? You seem unable to grasp that there are other approaches. To smile before asking. TEGAN: Don't patronise me, Turlough. TURLOUGH: I'm simply relating what I think. TEGAN: Turning an argument around is something you're very good at. TURLOUGH: Listen to yourself. You're so concrete in the way you think. Why can't you just agree to differ? TEGAN: I think you're dangerous. TURLOUGH: I think we should try and be friends. TEGAN: I'm going to tell the Doctor about the roundel. TURLOUGH: Do so, but you'd only make a fool of yourself. I travel in the TARDIS too, now. I have no desire to kill myself. I had no reason to open that roundel. Where are you going? TEGAN: To show you to your room. TURLOUGH: We're friends? TEGAN: Not yet. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Looks like a kid's room. TEGAN: It was Adric's. TURLOUGH: Who? TEGAN: Doesn't matter. TURLOUGH: I've had enough of children, what with that awful school on Earth. TEGAN: You can change things if you want. TURLOUGH: Right, all this can go for a start. TEGAN: It's your room. Do what you like. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: He's got the manners of a pig. NYSSA: The Doctor? TEGAN: The brat, Turlough. NYSSA: He'll settle down. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: It's repaired itself. GUARDIAN (on scanner): Concentrate. You have work to do. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What are you doing? NYSSA: Synthesising an enzyme. I seem to need the practice. TEGAN: You've done it before. NYSSA: Adric did the calculation for me. My own figures aren't as good, as you can see. TEGAN: I'll see if I can find his notes, before Turlough destroys them. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: What will this do? GUARDIAN (on scanner): You are touching the heart of the TARDIS. Rip it free! TURLOUGH: What happens to me? GUARDIAN (on scanner): You will be safe. I am ready to lift you away. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Turlough? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Turlough? [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: It's stuck. GUARDIAN (on scanner): Continue. TURLOUGH: I'm trying. It won't move. GUARDIAN (on scanner): The break-up is beginning. I can sense it. Remove the space-time element! TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Turlough? Oh, no. Doctor! DOCTOR: What is it? TEGAN: Quickly! TEGAN: What is it? DOCTOR: We're in trouble. I'll explain later. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What was Nyssa working on? TEGAN: Nothing that could have caused this. DOCTOR: The rotor's jamming. Well, there's a safety cut out. TURLOUGH: Is Nyssa safe? DOCTOR: Well, we'll see. I'm trying to refocus the exterior viewer on the interior of the TARDIS. TEGAN: It's just a mess. DOCTOR: Dimensional instability, that's the danger. Nyssa! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Nyssa, can you hear me? NYSSA: Yes! DOCTOR (OOV.): Stay well back. There's nothing you can do. Nyssa? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's that? I saw something just for a moment. DOCTOR: Oh, no. The outside universe is breaking through. TEGAN: Look! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Look behind you, Nyssa. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Go through, Nyssa. It's your only chance. TEGAN: Where are you sending her? DOCTOR: I don't know, but if she stays in the room, she'll die. DOCTOR: Nyssa, if you can hear me, [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Keep moving. Keep moving, Nyssa. Stay ahead of it. If you don't, it will kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's that? DOCTOR: I don't know. TURLOUGH: Where does that door lead to? DOCTOR: Another spacecraft. TEGAN: Look! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Where did the other spacecraft come from? DOCTOR: The TARDIS found it. There's a fail-safe. On impending break-up, it seeks out and locks onto the nearest spacecraft. TEGAN: You never mentioned it before. DOCTOR: Well, it never worked before. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Well? DOCTOR: She's gone. Stay there. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Nyssa's gone. TURLOUGH: What was that? TEGAN: The Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Doctor? Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN: Follow them. TURLOUGH: I can't. GUARDIAN: Follow, and kill him! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH (OOV.): Tegan? TURLOUGH: I wonder how that happened. TEGAN: It seems we have no choice. We go on. DOCTOR: What have I sent you into, Nyssa? TEGAN: Come on, we can catch up with the Doctor. Come on! DOCTOR: Nyssa. NYSSA: Doctor! NYSSA: Where are we? DOCTOR: I think it's some sort of old passenger liner. NYSSA: And those things? DOCTOR: Yes, well, some people have the strangest ideas about decor. Come on, let's get back to the TARDIS. KARI: Check the air seal. OLVIR: Secure. TEGAN: I'm positive that was Nyssa calling. TURLOUGH: You heard something. Your imagination did the rest. TEGAN: Maybe. TURLOUGH: Let's go back. TEGAN: No! TURLOUGH: Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] KARI: The whole ship's rigged to run on automatic, yet there's atmosphere. It doesn't fit the briefing at all. OLVIR: So what? We're only here for the cargo. KARI: Would it really surprise you if there weren't any? This ship is dead. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ah. I don't remember this. We must have taken a wrong turn. NYSSA: What is it? DOCTOR: A massive plug. The hull must have been damaged at some time. NYSSA: It's still soft. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Come on, we'll try, er, this way. [SCENE_BREAK] KARI: Advance party to raider. We're coming back. This isn't the ship you described. OLVIR: We can't go back if he doesn't link with the airlock. DOCTOR (OOV.): Er, this way. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: We're lost, aren't we. DOCTOR: Certainly not. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Oh, dear. So sorry, I didn't know it was private. KARI: That's all right. We're in the mood for company. [SCENE_BREAK] VOICE (OOV.): Help me. TURLOUGH: Over there. VOICE (OOV.): Help me. TEGAN: That's Nyssa! [SCENE_BREAK] OLVIR: Kill them. We've enough problems. KARI: Be quiet. If you're not members of the crew, how did you get here? DOCTOR: We have a ship of our own. OLVIR: So they're after the cargo, too. KARI: Are you? DOCTOR: Unarmed? OLVIR: Kari. KARI: Watch them. OLVIR: That's our ship! He's running out on us! KARI: Shut up. KARI: Advance party to raider. Come in, raider. Come in. ... Is this your work? DOCTOR: Hardly. DOCTOR: Neither is that. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Engines. VOICE (OOV.): Please help me. TEGAN: Hold on, Nyssa. We must find something to lever the door open. TURLOUGH: Let's get out of here. TEGAN: Find a pry bar. Now! TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough, it's moving! TURLOUGH: On my way. TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough! TURLOUGH: I'm coming! TEGAN (OOV.): Turlough! TEGAN: Turlough TEGAN: Help me! TURLOUGH: Are you all right? I found the doorway to the TARDIS. TEGAN: Where? TURLOUGH: This way. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Who are they? DOCTOR: Raiders, by the look of it. Probably an advance party to open the airlocks. KARI: You say you have a ship? DOCTOR: Yes. KARI: I'm commandeering it. DOCTOR: I think not. DOCTOR: Stop bluffing. You haven't got a chance. Listen to the engines. Alignment manoeuvres. We're docking with another ship. KARI: Then I'm asking you, will you take us off this ship? DOCTOR: If you put the guns away, please. DOCTOR: Thank you. TANNOY: All decks stand by. All decks stand by. This is a special announcement from Terminus Incorporated. DOCTOR: I think we should get out of here. Follow me. TANNOY: Primary docking alignment procedures are now complete. Passengers with mobility should prepare to disembark. [SCENE_BREAK] TANNOY: Anyone failing to disembark will be removed. Sterilisation procedures will then follow. TANNOY: There is no return. This is Terminus. OLVIR: Wait a minute. KARI: Olvir? OLVIR: I know where we are. KARI: Where? TEGAN: They're everywhere. TURLOUGH: Give me a hand. Come on, quickly. OLVIR: Now we know, don't we? Now we know what its all about. [SCENE_BREAK] OLVIR: This is Terminus, where all the lazars come to die. [SCENE_BREAK] OLVIR (OOV.): We're on a leper ship! We're all going to die!

Turlough sabotages the Tardis under the Black Guardian's direction and the Tardis materializes in the nearest ship. Nyssa is trapped in her room and has to escape into the spaceship the Tardis's emergency circuits have landed it on.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_23x03

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_23x03_0

THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD PART THREE (THE MYSTERIOUS PLANET) Run time: 24:18 [SCENE_BREAK] Tunnel entrance [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: It's beautiful! The Doctor: Hmm? Oh. Oh, I knew she wouldn't still be here. That girl can't obey an order. Peri: Doctor! Balazar: Who are they? The Doctor: Peri! Hurry! The Doctor: Back inside, quick. The Doctor: In you go. The Doctor: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Tunnel [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: I always knew exercise was bad for you. The Doctor: I shouldn't lie there if I was you. Not unless you want to be killed with a spear in your back. Glitz: What? Did you do the job, my boy? Dibber: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: We've got to get out of here! Peri: But how? The Doctor: This way. The Doctor: Oh, no. Back. Peri: Well, now what? The Doctor: I don't know. I really think this could be the end! [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: I know him. It's Broken Tooth. Glitz: Then why doesn't he fire at you? Balazar: Broken Tooth, it's Balazar! The Doctor: Fire at the robot! Balazar: The Immortal One. Dibber: Squeeze the trigger, don't pull it. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro: What is happening? Reactivate! Humker: We are trying. Tandrell: It doesn't respond. Drathro: You must make it work. I must have the Doctor here. My black light system is failing. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: I can't believe it. You're alive! They said you'd been culled. Broken Tooth: I owe my life to Merdeen. Balazar: I too. The Doctor: Well, I hate to break up this happy reunion, but I have to find the aerial to Drathro's black light converter. Dibber: No need to hurry. It's gone. The Doctor: Gone? Where? Dibber: I blew it up. The Doctor: What? Glitz: It'll put the L3 out of action. The Doctor: More likely start a chain reaction. Drathro's black light system's highly unstable. Blowing it up is about the worst thing you could have done. I have to shut the black light system down now. Broken Tooth: You will all return to our village. Our queen has unfinished business with this person. The Doctor: No! Broken Tooth: You will come with us, and you will come quietly. Glitz: And you had to tell him how to use the gun. Dibber: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] Inquisitor: Valeyard, are these unpleasant scenes necessary to your case? I find primitive physical violence distressing. The Doctor: So do I, ma'am. Especially when I'm on the receiving end. Valeyard: I too find it repugnant to witness, my lady, but the Doctor has a well-known predilection for violence. The Doctor: That is a foul slur! Inquisitor: Do not interrupt, Doctor. The Doctor: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm not given to violence as the Valeyard here suggests. Occasionally I might have to resort to a modicum of force... Inquisitor: Please be silent. The Doctor: As a means of self defence. Inquisitor: Doctor, you will have ample opportunity to put your case at a later point. The Doctor: But... Inquisitor: Valeyard, I would appreciate it if these brutal and repetitious scenes are reduced to a minimum. Valeyard: My lady, it is certainly not my wish to cause you any unnecessary affront, but the accused offences are such that a certain amount of graphic detail is unavoidable. Inquisitor: Very well. Continue. [SCENE_BREAK] Subway [SCENE_BREAK] Grell: You seem lost. Merdeen: Not I, although you seem to have mislaid your train, Grell. Grell: Stealth is better achieved on foot. Especially when we hunt dark secrets. Merdeen: I thought we hunted the Doctor. Grell: Him too. Drathro (O.C.): Merdeen. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Merdeen (on screen): Immortal? Drathro: I have urgent work for Balazar, but I can not find him. [SCENE_BREAK] Subway [SCENE_BREAK] Merdeen: I will search for him at once. Grell: Where are you going? Merdeen: Continue your search for the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Tandrell: I did it! I did it, I reactivated the robot. Humker: I think you'll find that I did it. Tandrell: I beg your pardon, I did it. Humker: I did it. Tandrell: I did! Humker: I did! Drathro: Silence! You drain my energy reserve with your constant infantile bickering. [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca's hut [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca: So, my hospitality was not to your liking? Glitz: Just needed to step out for a breath of fresh air. Katryca: And who is this? The Doctor: Ah, how do you do? I am known as the Doctor. Now, there has been a terrible mistake. I shouldn't be here at all. Katryca: Another star traveller? The Doctor: Well, in a manner of speaking. Katryca: And are you interested in the Great Totem of Haldren. The Doctor: I beg your pardon? Glitz: She means the light converter. The Doctor: Ah, yes, indeed. Now how can you possibly have known that? Katryca: Have you searched him for guns? Broken Tooth: He has none. Katryca: That makes you very unusual for a star traveller who is interested in the Great Totem. The Doctor: Well, I've come to repair it. Katryca: Then you are very prompt, considering your friends have only recently damaged it. The Doctor: Oh, these are not my friends. Well, with one... The Doctor: And your Great Totem is not what it seems. Katryca: Then please explain. The Doctor: It's function is to convert ultraviolet rays to black light. Katryca: Interesting, though I do not understand what you are saying. The Doctor: Well, Drathro, er, the Immortal, depends on black light to function. He is a robot. Katryca: Fascinating, since your friend just told me that it was a navigational beacon. The Doctor: He lies. Katryca: A common complaint among star travellers. Glitz: I am not a liar! Katryca: How shall I know who speaks the truth? All I am certain of is the gods are angered at your coming to our world. I shall read their wishes in the flames. The Doctor: Er, I don't wish to appear discourteous, but I'd better get back to Drathro. Katryca: Remain where you are! The Doctor: You have no quarrel with us. They destroyed your beacon. Katryca: You are a star traveller. Star travelling is forbidden by the gods. The underground dweller shall remain with our tribe. The others, remove from my sight. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Humker: All that unpleasant green. Tandrell: It is vegetation. Humker: Why was it not burned, Drathro? Drathro: Only part of the planet was enveloped by fire. Humker: What is its function? Drathro: It supports primitive life. Tandrell: Primitive life is unnecessary. Humker: So vegetation in unnecessary. Tandrell: Syllogism is also unnecessary, Humker. Humker: It was not a true syllogism, Tandrell. It contained only the major and minor premise. Tandrell: Still unnecessary, like so much that you say. [SCENE_BREAK] Hut [SCENE_BREAK] Dibber: Thought we'd seen the last of this place. The Doctor: Look, you've got to help us get out of here. Balazar: I dare not, Doctor. Broken Tooth: The queen will burn us in your place. The Doctor: If I don't get out of here, we'll all burn. Glitz: You're the Time Lord. Haven't you got a ring you can rub? A magic lamp? Something for these sort of emergencies? The Doctor: Hardly. More your style I'd have thought. Anyway, what does bring you here? Glitz: Purely a private enterprise, Doctor, to collect a few moldering files of no value except to scholars such as myself. The Doctor: Oh, you're a scholarly philanthropist, are you? Glitz: Exactly the description, Doctor. The Doctor: That goes around blowing up black light converters. Glitz: A small expediency if I am to endow a library on my home planet of Salostophus. The Doctor: In the constellation of Andromeda? Glitz: You know of it? The Doctor: Hmm. Peri: What we don't know is the name of this planet. Glitz: You mean he hasn't told you? A man of your learning, Doctor? Tut tut. This, is Earth of course. Peri: I said so, didn't I? The Doctor: But it is in the wrong position. Glitz: Only by a couple of light years. Dibber: That's why the lost expedition missed. The Doctor: What lost expedition? Dibber: Andromeda bunged off these robots in a relief ship... Glitz: Don't prattle, Dibber. All that was a long time ago. Balazar: The word Earth is mentioned many times, by the great writer H M Stationery Office. Dibber: Thought we'd seen the last of him as well. Glitz: Shut up and stand in front of me where I can keep an eye on you. The Doctor: Keep calm and stay still. It's looking for me, but I think it's confused. Glitz: Well, can't you shake its hand or something? The Doctor: How do you do? I am known as the Doctor. Glitz: Now's our chance, Dibber. Peri: We've got to help the Doctor! Glitz: He'll be all right. He's in good hands. Come on! Peri: No! [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca's hut [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca: Escaped? I told you to guard them! Balazar: Well, the Immortal came and took them. Broken Tooth: We both saw him, Katryca. He walked through the wall. Katryca: Get the guns! [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro: Habitations. Tandrell: Only man makes habitations. Drathro: All life perished in the fire. If men now live on the surface, they must have come from my biosphere. Tandrell: How can that be possible? Humker: It is forbidden. Tandrell: All work units obey you orders. Drathro: Some must have escaped. Helped to escape. That is what has happened. Humker: Is it important? Drathro: They're out of control, outside the plan. Tandrell: They're outlaws. Drathro: Now my existence is threatened. They have destroyed the source of my energy. Take measures, create a defensive system, identify and destroy the traitors. [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: All this is irrelevant and hypothetical. Valeyard: Background testimony. The Doctor: What possible value does the Farmyard here think there is in listening to some half-incapacitated robot, and a couple of diminutive nit-wits who might as well be robots? Inquisitor: You're allowing your disrespect to show again, Doctor. The Doctor: I'm sorry, ma'am, but the question still stands. Inquisitor: As prosecutor, the Valeyard has the right to include any evidence he considers to be relevant, provided he can justify its inclusion. The Doctor: But any record relating to persons not in my presence must be sheer conjecture. Valeyard: The accused is clearly ignorant of the latest methods of surveillance, my lady. Inquisitor: This evidence is taken from the Matrix, a knowledge bank fed constantly by the experiences of all Time Lords, wherever they may be. The Doctor: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, ma'am. I know that. My whole point is that I'm not. Inquisitor: Not what? The Doctor: Not part of the scenes being shown by the Scrapyard here. I'm sorry, Valeyard. Force of habit, I apologise. Valeyard: Doctor, the experience of third parties can also be monitored and accessed if needed, as long as they are in the collection range of a TARDIS. The Doctor: Oh. But my TARDIS is an old model. Are you telling me it's been bugged without my knowledge? Inquisitor: Bugged? Valeyard: It is a reference apparently to the new surveillance system, my lady. The expression derives from an Earth term. Inquisitor: I see. I think we are wasting time on an unimportant issue. Continue the evidence, Valeyard. [SCENE_BREAK] Ravalox [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca: Stop, Immortal! Peri: They'll kill the Doctor! Glitz: We've all got to go sometime, Peri. Peri: You're all heart! Glitz: The supreme sacrifice. What a person. If I have time, I'll compose the eulogy for his funeral. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro: They have guns. From where? Humker: Guns can be manufactured. Tandrell: Though manufacturing requires advanced technology, Humker. Humker: Yes, but the fact that they have guns also means that they possess advanced technology. Tandrell: False reasoning again, Humker. These are savages. Their guns must have been supplied from without. Drathro: The Doctor. Humker: The L1 robot has ceased to function. Tandrell: From the present data that we have, that would seem a logical presumption. Humker: It is obvious. It has ceased transmitting signals. Tandrell: I was replying to Drathro. Drathro: The Doctor is from Gallifrey. He has been sent to recover the secrets left by the Sleepers. To do that, he has armed the outlaws. Therefore his intention is to ferment a rebellion against my authority. Tandrell: (quietly) And with nothing left but power from the few backup storage cells he's quite likely to win. Humker: Then what will happen to us? Tandrell: I dread to think. [SCENE_BREAK] Subway [SCENE_BREAK] Merdeen: Are you following me? Grell: Like you, I'm looking for a lost man. It simply occurred to me that it might prove more productive if we searched as a team. Merdeen: What makes you think the Doctor and Balazar will be together? Grell: Events. Merdeen: Meaning? Grell: I don't think the Immortal's orders are always carried out, especially when it comes to culling. Merdeen: I always supervise the cullings myself. Grell: I know. Merdeen: Then what do you mean? Grell: I think you send people outside. Merdeen: Then they are destroyed by the fire. Does it really matter how they die? Grell: Depends whether you really believe that the surface of the planet still burns. Merdeen: I believe what the Immortal tells me. Grell: Then you are a liar. The Doctor is with Balazar, isn't he? And both of them have left the subways. Merdeen: Then why does the Immortal instruct us to search for them? Grell: I don't know. But I think we should talk about it. Unless you would prefer that I took my suspicion to the Immortal. [SCENE_BREAK] Ravalox [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: Is the Immortal dead at last? Katryca: The Immortal's reign is ended. Broken Tooth: Katryca the Great One! Long live Queen Katryca! Villagers: Long live Queen Katryca! Balazar: Now the Immortal is dead, how shall men live? Katryca: In the tribe of the Free we had no need of the Immortal. We shall live as we always lived, except now, the Immortal's secrets shall be ours. Broken Tooth: How? Katryca: Do you not see, Broken Tooth? They are ours for the taking. Balazar: The Immortal's castle? Katryca: Yes, Balazar. It is ours now. All the tools are metal. All the strange materials that bend and do not break, All the mysteries and treasures of our ancient forefathers that we shall learn to use again. Do you not agree? Villagers: Yes! Katryca: Then let us attack! Peri: Doctor! Peri: Oh, Doctor, please. Glitz: He's a goner. You can tell by his colour. Dibber: Definitely a stiff, Mister Glitz. Peri: Help me get this thing off him. Glitz: I shouldn't bother. He's probably got horrible injuries. Dibber: Yeah, those ensign guns can blow you to bits. Glitz: Talking of guns, Dibber, we need the heavy artillery. Which, if memory serves me, are hidden not a more than a million miles from this very spot. Dibber: Good idea of mine to bring the multiblaster, eh, Mister Glitz? Glitz: I'll teach that two-faced harridan and her ignorant peasants to trifle with Sabalom Glitz. Dibber: But they've gone down the tunnel. Glitz: So? We'll blow them out through the roof. That is, if the robot doesn't get them first. Dibber: So let's fetch them, then. Glitz: No, you fetch them, Dibber. I'll meet you at the entrance. Dibber: But those multiblasters must weigh at least a hundred... Glitz: Exactly. That is why I employ you to fetch and carry. Now, cut along, there's a good lad. Peri: Doctor! The Doctor: Keep your head down! Beware the hand! Keep your head down! Peri: You're alive, I knew it. The Doctor: Oh! My head hurts abominably, Sarah Jane. Where are we? Peri: I'm not Sarah Jane, I'm Peri. The Doctor: Eh? Peri: And you're lying under the remains of a robot. The Doctor: Yes, I remember now. Get this thing off me! Peri: I've been trying to. The Doctor: Where are Katryca and the others? Peri: They've gone to the tunnels. The Doctor: Eh? Why? Peri: From what I could hear, now they've killed the Immortal, she's planning a takeover. The Doctor: But this isn't the Immortal, this is just. How long have they been gone? Peri: A few minutes. The Doctor: I've got to get after them. Peri: Why? The Doctor: They've got to be stopped. The situation's worse than you imagine. Peri: It always is. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca: How does the great door open? Broken Tooth: You turn this. Katryca: Then open it. Katryca: Balazar, you and Broken Tooth have lived in this blackness. You will lead the way. Broken Tooth: I know a tunnel that passes Marb Stati on and leads straight to the Immortal's castle. Katryca: Then forward! [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Humker: They look very fierce, Drathro. Tandrell: Naturally. They live as wild creatures. Humker: They are coming towards us. Tandrell: Humker, you have a gift for the obvious. Humker: Surely they will not attack us. Tandrell: That is their intention. Humker: I do not understand the logic. We have not harmed them. Drathro: It is a rebellion. Humker: What shall we do if they break in? Drathro: I shall kill them. Tandrell: Their guns destroyed the L1, Drathro. Drathro: My plating is stronger. My circuits are protected. Their guns will kill only you. Humker: But if we die, who will look after your research? Drathro: The Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Subway [SCENE_BREAK] Broken Tooth: Halt. I fear the worst. Katryca: What is wrong? We are lost? Broken Tooth: Marb Station is back this way. Balazar: It is forward, and from thence the home of the Immortal. Katryca: We have no need for indecision in the tribe of the Free. Long we have waited for this moment. The Immortal is dead, and we shall plunder his castle. The spoils of triumph are ours. Now think, which is the way. Balazar & Broken Tooth: This way. Katryca: Am I to be surrounded by fools? We go forward. Broken Tooth: But Katryca... Katryca: Forward, I say. I have read it in the flames many times. We go forward. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Humker: That is not correct. Tandrell: Clearly there is a mechanical defect, Humker. Humker: An electronic malfunction. Tandrell: Perhaps the Doctor caused the problem. Humker: Have you seen this, Drathro? Drathro: I do not need to observe, my condition tells me of the movement failure of the black light system. Humker: What could have precipitated it? Tandrell: There weren't any warning signs. Drathro: The destruction of the converter's aerial. Tandrell: Destruction? Drathro: The service robot monitored the fact as it entered the village. Tandrell: Can we repair it? Drathro: No. Soon the black light system will collapse in upon itself, and we shall all cease to function. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Trouble is, his refraction dipoles are worn out. Nothing for it now but to shut the black light system down. Peri: That sounds easy enough. The Doctor: Oh, it is, but if I shut the black light system down I must shut Drathro down as well. I can hardly see him agreeing to that. Peri: Well, what happens if he won't let you? The Doctor: Then the black light system will implode and destroy everything in these tunnels. Peri: Oh great, so that's why we're going in, is it? The Doctor: Peri, I can't let people die if there's a chance of saving them. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the tunnel entrance [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: You got the guns, then. Dibber: Well, it looks like it, Mister Glitz. Glitz: I'll tell you something funny, Dibber. We was wrong about the Doctor. He's bunked off. Dibber: He hasn't bunked off. He's gone down there. Glitz: What? Dibber: I saw them as I came up. He had Peri with him. Glitz: So, he is after what we are. Dibber: Well, could be. Glitz: Course he is. I knew it all along. He's got no more interest in the scientific side of things than I have. Dibber: Well, you didn't fool him, telling him you're a philatelist, did you, mister Glitz? Glitz: Philanthropist, you ignorant dink. Didn't you learn nothing in that remand home? Dibber: Well, whatever the word, he guessed that you weren't one. Glitz: Don't I look like a philanthropist? Dibber: Well, how do I know? I've never seen one. Glitz: A philanthropist, my son, is someone who gives away all their grotzits out of the simple goodness of their heart. Dibber: Oh, you mean they're stupid? Oh yeah, you probably do look like one, then. Glitz: Get down that hole. Glitz: Oh dear, they are heavy, aren't they. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: Oh, please, Dibber! Dibber: You always did despise muscle. Glitz: Not at all, lad. Not when there are things to carry. Anyway, Dibber, if we should run into the Doctor again... Dibber: We shoot him. Glitz: Not a bad idea lad. But whatever you do, don't open your big pie-hole and let him know that we're after the stuff. [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] Valeyard: The remainder of that evidence has been excised, my lady. Inquisitor: Excised? Why? Valeyard: By order of the High Council. Inquisitor: This is a judicial enquiry appointed by the High Council but independently conducted. It is my duty, Valeyard, to decide what evidence is relevant. Valeyard: Of course, my lady. The High Council simply felt that certain areas of testimony should not be revealed. Inquisitor: Why not? Valeyard: Against the public interest, my lady. Inquisitor: I cannot conduct a proper and searching enquiry without full access to the evidence. Valeyard: Naturally, Inquisitor, their honours would be quite prepared to let you consider the full record in camera. Inquisitor: And I think that would be unfair to the defendant. Do you wish to lodge an official objection at this stage, Doctor? The Doctor: Well, I, er. No, ma'am. No, let the Valeyard here continue. Give him enough rope to hang himself, eh? Inquisitor: As you wish. Proceed. [SCENE_BREAK] Marb Station [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Hurry, Peri, there isn't much time. Peri: Well, how long before this black light thing blows up? The Doctor: There's no telling. We've got to get past Queen Katryca, into the castle and make that demented robot see sense. Merdeen: So, you have returned. The Doctor: Merdeen. Missed your train? Merdeen: The train is noisy. We hunt by foot. The Doctor: Oh. What are you hunting? Merdeen: You!

The Doctor escapes from the Immortal one and goes to the local tribe, there he is imprisoned along with Glitz and the Immortal one sends a service robot out to retrieve the escaped Time Lord. While the Doctor is imprisoned with Glitz awaiting execution, Glitz informs the Doctor of the true name of the planet.

fd_Bones_04x08

fd_Bones_04x08_0

"The Skull in the Sculpture" [SCENE_BREAK] (Open: Junk yard. Two drunken guys are climbing a fence with barbed wire) CHUNKY: My dad thinks I'm selfish, so I want to steal him some spare parts for his birthday. DUANE: You're a good son, man. CHUNKY: Hey, dude, I'm not moving. DUANE: Dude, your jacket is caught on the barbed wire. Bounce around a little bit, and you'll come loose. CHUNKY: (falls to the ground. laughs) That worked great. (The two begin staggering around stacks of compressed vehicles) DUANE: So, what kind of car does he have? CHUNKY: Old one. Toyota FJ-40. He loves that thing. More than me, that's for sure. DUANE: Check it out! CHUNKY: Oh, wow! (The two run towards a stack of cars) Can you imagine if I gave him that golden side mirror? I could glue it on his truck. (begins pulling out side mirror) Got to be gentle. It's coming. (Mirror comes off and blood begins to run out of the car) DUANE: The car is bleeding. CHUNKY: There's something back there. (Pulls out sheet of glass to reveal a skull. Both scream.) (Cut to a restaurant bar. Sweets is sitting at the bar. Angela walks up) ANGELA: Okay, look, just to be clear, I asked you out for a drink to talk, not because I'm desperate for male company. SWEETS: You think of me as male company? WAITER: (off camera) Can I get you anything? ANGELA: Vodka up, please. And my grandson here will have another of whatever that is. SWEETS: Oh, sidecar, but no, I'm fine. Okay, one more, one more. I'm cabbing it. (turns to Angela who is now leaning on the bar facing the rest of the room) You just got divorced and broke up with your fiancé. It's totally understandable that you don't feel like s*x. ANGELA: I feel like s*x. SWEETS: Oh. ANGELA: s*x is what I feel like. Now, I could jump Hodgins, but doesn't seem fair somehow. Do you agree? SWEETS: Well, what matters is that it doesn't seem fair to you. ANGELA: Oh, I hate it when shrinks do that. (both turn back to the bar) ANGELA: Look, I've been alone now for quite a while, which is not like me. SWEETS: Yeah, well, when we open ourselves emotionally and get hurt, we're reluctant to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable again. ANGELA: It's been, like, six weeks. SWEETS: That's a-a... ANGELA: Long time. SWEETS: (looks down uncomfortably) Yes, of course it is. ANGELA: The longest I've gone without since I lost my virginity. At age 16. SWEETS: Hmm. ANGELA: Which is the normal age. SWEETS: Sometimes older is just fine, too. ANGELA: I'm not promiscuous, Sweets. I don't sleep with just anybody. I do require an emotional connection. Spiritual, actually. SWEETS: Mm-hmm. ANGELA: It's spiritual to me. And fun, of course. Who doesn't like s*x, right? SWEETS: Hey! Didn't we order these drinks a long time ago? ANGELA: You're right. SWEETS: (looks at Angela in surprise) About what? ANGELA: I have been protecting myself. Without the risk of pain, there can be no possibility of pleasure or joy or love. SWEETS: Yes, yes, and-and regaining that willingness to take a risk-- that can take time. ANGELA: No. SWEETS: No? ANGELA: I am done protecting myself. I'm ready to move on. You're good. SWEETS: Hey. (both turn back to the bar as the waiter brings their drinks) ANGELA: You really are. WAITER: Here you go SWEETS: Thank you. ANGELA: (raising her glass for a toast) To love, huh? And joy. (they clink glasses. Angela raises her voice and looks around) And s*x! (Sweets laughs awkwardly) (Cut to the Medico-Legal-Lab - in front of Forensics Platform. Brennan and Hodgins are looking at the crushed car with the skull as Cam, Daisey, and Angela stand behind them. Hodgins is using a flashlight.) HODGINS: Looks like someone with a crooked nose was trying to get rid of our friend here. BRENNAN: There's no way to know that the killer had a crooked nose. DAISY: You mean, the mob? It was a mob hit. CAM: He clearly wasn't wearing a seat belt. HODGINS: We're going to need the Jaws of Life to pry this guy out of here. (Cam and Hodgins begin walking around the car) BRENNAN: No. That could compromise the remains. DAISY: It seems that any viable examination pre-extraction is impossible, unless somebody has X-ray vision. (laughs awkwardly) CAM: (to Brennan) I meant to warn you that Ms. Wick came up in the rotation. DAISY: This time you'll be glad I'm here, Dr. Brennan, I promise. (Brennan and Angela exchange a look of annoyance) DAISY: The height of the nasal root points to a Caucasian. The large brow ridges suggest a male. BRENNAN: We need cause of death. (Angela begins to walk around the car) DAISY: Of the Caucasian male? What can be seen of the temporal, zygomatic and frontal bones indicates that they're in multiple fragments, possibly from the crushing of the car. CAM: We have access to blood and fluids. I'll run a tox screen. BRENNAN: (begins to walk around car. All four are now on seperate sides) Booth is checking the records at the junkyard to see who brought in the car and when it was processed. HODGINS: I'll use an endoscope to retrieve any particulates without disturbing the remains. (Brennan's cell rings. She answers and walks away) BRENNAN: Brennan. ANGELA: (to Hodgins) Hey, have you been seeing anybody? HODGINS: Listen, I don't want to be rude, but I just don't think that's any of your business. ANGELA: I haven't. HODGINS: Me, either. ANGELA: But I'm going to start. HODGINS: Right, yeah. Me, too. I mean, like, right away. ANGELA: Sweets agrees that it's time. HODGINS: Sweets? ANGELA: We shouldn't fear putting our hearts out there. HODGINS: Sweets. DAISY: That's so beautiful. CAM: And so inappropriate over a decomposing body. (Brennan walks by) BRENNAN: Booth found out who delivered the car to the junkyard for crushing. (Cut to sidewalk at night. Booth and Brennan come walking around the corner) BOOTH: Invoice was made out to B & B Enterprises. This was the sixth car that was crushed and sent back to this address. BRENNAN: Oh, so you think there might be five more bodies? BOOTH: Well, you know what? If this is mob-related, and we bring down the big boys... BRENNAN: Yeah. BOOTH:...we will sell the movie rights for a fortune. BRENNAN: But what if it's not the mob? BOOTH: Come on. Do the math, Bones. BRENNAN: Well, the math wouldn't indicate motive or identify a suspect. And you haven't even provided enough variables... BOOTH: It's a figure of speech, Bones, all right? (They stop in front of a building) BOOTH: Here we are. Woah, woah, woah, woah (pulls Brennan back who was walking towards stairs) What goes first? BRENNAN: Gun goes first. BOOTH: That's right. (They start walking up the stairs) BRENNAN: But if you get shot? BOOTH: Don't say things like that. You're gonna jinx me, all right? BRENNAN: Well, if you're relying on superstition for safety, perhaps I should carry the gun. BOOTH: (stopping in front of a set of glass doors) No, you are definitely not carrying a gun.(pulls out lock pick) Give me some space, all right? (leans down and begins to pick the lock) BRENNAN: Is that legal? BOOTH: Look, if anybody asks, the door was open. BRENNAN: (whispering) No, it isn't. (Booth looks at her and she realizes what he means) Ah... Right. (Booth pulls out gun and they enter) (cut to the interior of the building. More crushed cars are in the room as they enter. Movement is heard in the background. A woman comes from a room around the corner) BOOTH: Okay, what the hell are you supposed to be? BRENNAN: (pointing at the ground) Booth? BOOTH: What? (camera cuts to show a large blood stain) BRENNAN: Look at this. BOOTH: What is it? HELEN: Blood. (cut to opening credits) (Cut to: In a gallery. Camera pans over more crushed vehicles and an image of Geoffrey. FBI forensics team is working throughout the room. Brennan is looking at a video while Booth looks at a sculpture nearby) BRENNAN: The artist did a series of six sculptures over the past two years. BOOTH: (holding a pamplet) Sculptures? Whoa. These things are going for hundreds of thousands of dollars. BRENNAN: (as they begin to walk through the room) All cultures put a great value on art. BOOTH: Yeah, art. A nice bowl of fruit, uh, dogs playing poker. If I sold all the crap that was in my garage, I could retire. I'd make a fortune. (They stop by a sculpture. Helen is standing in front of them) HELEN: Geoffrey's work is a brilliant examination of consumerism and the destruction of the soul. BRENNAN: I see twisted metal. HELEN: Well, you need to look beneath the surface. BOOTH: Oh, we did, and we found a dead body, which is exactly why you're not going anywhere. (FBI tech Marcus Geier walks up) MARCUS: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yeah. MARCUS: The luminol is showing evidence of blood all over the floor. HELEN: Of course it is. BOOTH: Excuse me? HELEN: Kiko was here. BOOTH: Kiko? HELEN: Kiko, the performance artist. Pig's blood is an integral and crucial part of her work. BRENNAN: Is that even legal? BOOTH: Well, we'll decide what's pig and what isn't. Pull some samples. MARCUS: Okay. (walks away) HELEN: I've already called my lawyer. BOOTH: That's great. Tell him to meet you down at the FBI offices. HELEN:(laughing) Oh, I didn't call him for me. You see how much these works are worth. You are liable for any damages. BOOTH: (laughing) Damage? BRENNAN: They're crushed cars. BOOTH: They're wrecks. HELEN: Fortunately, your ignorance and lack of appreciation of Geoffrey's work don't affect its value. BOOTH: (to the room at large) Okay, all right, guys. Careful handling the junk. Apparently, it is art. All right? ROXIE: (walking into the room and stopping to address Booth and Brennan) Uh, perhaps I could help? I'm Roxie Lyon, Geoffrey Thorne's assistant. BRENNAN: Does the artist make a habit of encasing corpses within his sculptures? ROXIE: Excuse me? BOOTH: Well, we found one of these crushed cars and traced it back here to this address. MARCUS: (walking back over to the group) We've done the best we can without ripping one of these things apart. BOOTH: No accordion-dead bodies? MARCUS: The cadaver dogs can identify human blood. They didn't find any. ROXIE: (walking to Helen)Oh, my God. Helen? HELEN: Yes? ROXIE: Do you think Geoffrey might have actually done it? HELEN: No. That was all just depressed artist talk, Roxie. You should know that. You were a depressed artist yourself. BOOTH: (walking over with Brennan) Hello? Do you want to explain this to me? ROXIE: Uh, recently Geoffrey's been talking about finding a way to make himself part of the art. BRENNAN: Do you mean literally? HELEN: The ultimate artistic act. ROXIE: Geoffrey was depressed, and he said he felt like he'd reached his limit as an artist. BOOTH: We'd like to show you a picture of the remains, only if you're up for it. BRENNAN: I suggest you don't look at the person, but rather this distinct ring. HELEN: That's Geoffrey. ROXIE: I know that ring. I designed it myself. It's Geoffrey. HELEN: (looking up and speaking as if to herself) Bravo, Geoffrey. BRENNAN: You are an extremely unlikable woman. BOOTH: Mr. Thorne have any enemies? HELEN: Why? It's obvious he did this himself. BRENNAN: To you, perhaps, but we actually require evidence. ROXIE: Anton DeLuca. (Booth looks at her meaningfully) ROXIE: He's an artist and a rival of Geoffrey's. They had a pretty big argument here the other night. BOOTH: About what? HELEN: What all artists argue about-- money. (Cut to the Medico-Legal forensics lab. Cam is working at a desk, Hodgins walks in carrying a large piece of machinery) HODGINS: You know what this is? CAM: Jaws of Life. HODGINS: 23,000 pounds per square inch of raw prying power. CAM: You really want to be the one to use that, don't you? HODGINS: It's not displaced sexual frustration. CAM: Of course not. (turns to look at Hodgins) HODGINS: I am totally cool if Angela wants to date already, or, I mean, again. CAM: pointing to the other room) Right. You do know the point is to remove the human remains from inside the car with minimal disruption of the evidence? (Hodgins puts the Jaws of Life on a table) CAM: (turning back to her computer) Though, these tox results are suggesting suicide. HODGINS: (walking over to her desk) You got these from the tissue samples? CAM: Mostly skin, some brain matter. (camera shows computer screen with data on each drug listed) CAM: Clonazepam, lamotrigine, quetiapine, venlafaxine, (turns to look at Hodgins) hydrocodone, oxycodone and codeine. HODGINS: Wow. Anti-anxiety drugs, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, antidepressants and painkillers. CAM: He was under psychiatric care. Even spent a week in the psych ward last March. HODGINS: So, our victim could very well have been dead from an overdose before he was crushed. CAM: Can't tell for sure. Long-time abusers build up a tolerance, so, this could have been a typical Wednesday night for the guy. HODGINS: Best way to find out is to crack her open, baby. (picks up Jaws of Life. Cam looks at him with a questioning look) HODGINS: I didn't mean "baby." CAM: Carefully, Dr. Hodgins. Like removing a baby bird from an egg. (cut to the floor in front of the forensics platform. Hodgins puts on safety glasses) HODGINS: Stand back, ladies. This is about to get medieval. (Angela smiles as Daisey looks uncomfortable. Caroline walks in as Hodgins is about to begin work. She is followed by Helen, Roxie, and a man, most likely the lawyer.) CAROLINE: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Sorry, cheri. Apparently, this is an historic piece of art. HODGINS: It's a hard car shell with a gooey corpse filling. DAISY: I've already collected textile, tissue and bone samples. CAROLINE: That was before I got here. (begins walking around the sculpture) CAROLINE: Here on in, this is an historic piece of art. These fine people persuaded a judge of that and got a temporary injunction. HODGINS: Oh, this sucks. ANGELA: Roxie? ROXIE: Angie? ANGELA: Roxie! (the two walk to each other and hug. Cam walks past and over to Hodgins and Caroline) ANGELA: My God... ROXIE: Hi! What are you doing here? CAM: What's going on? HODGINS: Those two are old friends from college-- if that's the same Roxie. (Angela and Roxie walk off) DAISY: Luckily, I took initiative and got those samples before the injunction. CAM: Injunction? HODGINS: This heap is considered art. CAM: Well, it's... gorgeous. Where does this leave our investigation? CAROLINE: You can still examine it. You just can't disrupt it in any way. Don't worry. This is only temporary. We'll see how artistic people are feeling when it starts stinking. Just don't scratch it. CAM: Don't scratch the crushed automobile, which encases a rotting, dead body? CAROLINE: Good! We understand each other. (loud noise as Hodgins puts the Jaws of Life back on the table) (cut to a warehouse that's being used as an artists studio. Anton Deluca is working on a sculpture) ANTON: Geoffrey Thorne dead? This is a... great day for the art world. (Booth and Brennan turn to follow him as he works throughout the scene) BOOTH: Yeah, well, last time you were seen together, you were arguing. ANTON: Well, we never saw each other without arguing, so... BRENNAN: You disliked Geoffrey Thorne? ANTON: Well, let's just say between his work and his guts... I don't know which I hated more. BOOTH: Yeah, well, artistically speaking, crushing him up in his own work, that would be very, uh, symbolic. ANTON: Is that what happened? (launging) Oh, that, that's hilarious. He crushed himself inside one of his stupid car sculptures? An exhibitionist right to the bitter end. ANTON: How Po-Mo. BOOTH: Po-Mo? BRENNAN: Uh, Post Modern. ANTON: Let me tell you, Geoffrey's hermetic aestheticism was choked with tawdry pastiche. He had plastic intentions and weak enterprise. BOOTH: All right, someone I understand less than you. BRENNAN: This is asymmetrical and yet still pleasing to the eye. BOOTH: Okay, I take that back. Why don't you just say it's... pretty? ANTON: I don't do pretty. BOOTH: Okay. Simmer down there, Picasso. You get a compliment, you be polite. ANTON: I don't do polite either. BRENNAN: Maybe that's why you're broke. ANTON: Who gave you my name? Was it that Kabuki ghoul, Helen Bridenbecker? BRENNAN: Shouldn't you be trying harder to look innocent? BOOTH: Yeah. How long have you and Thorne hated each other? ANTON: You can write down, since before the big bang. BRENNAN: Oh, no. There was no "before" before the big bang, because time didn't exist. If there are no organizing properties... BOOTH: Bones, I'm just going to write down, it's been a while. All right? So, why were you arguing at the gallery? BRENNAN: We heard it was about money. ANTON: Well, I might have said he was a sell-out. Usually do. But I didn't think to kill him. Now it's too late, right? BOOTH: Well, if you didn't kill him, then, uh, who did? ANTON: I'd look at his girlfriend if I were you. (Brennan and Booth confused) BRENNAN: No one has mentioned a girlfriend. ANTON: Roxie. His "assistant." He said he was gonna leave all his money to her. I mean, this is kind of basic stuff you guys should know, right? (cut to the sculpture in the medico-legal lab. Daisy is standing behind Cam, who is inserting a scope into the sculpture) DAISY: Did you have like buckets of coffee this morning? You're very shaky. CAM: Could you take a step back, please? (Cam begins using the scope as Daisy watches the video feed) DAISY: A little more. Just a little more. Like tip-toeing mice. CAM: Oh, rats. DAISY: Do you want me to try? Let me try. I'm very dexterous. (Brennan walks over looking around the room. Cam sighs and hands Daisy the scope) DAISY: Oh, you won't be sorry. (Brennan empties the bucket over the sculpture. Beetles crawl through the sculpture.) BRENNAN: I was going to say that I had an accident over here, but I don't like lying. CAM: You dumped a bucket full of domestic beetles onto this work of art. They'll strip the flesh off our victim in no time. BRENNAN: Within 30 hours. Am I fired? CAM: Au contraire Remind me of this moment around Christmas bonus time. DAISY: I'm in! BRENNAN: Uh, good work, Ms. Wick. (Brennan and Cam walk over to where Daisy is working) DAISY: Well, we could've been here hours ago if Dr. Saroyan would have given me the endoscope sooner. CAM: Thanks for mentioning that. DAISY: There's too much flesh to really get an idea of the bone damage. BRENNAN: 30 hours. (walks away) (cut to an interrogation room. Booth is inteviewing Roxie as Sweets observes and talks to Booth through an earpiece) ROXIE: I was Geoffrey Thorne's assistant for almost four years. SWEETS: Okay, I suggest you start with the mundane, and then work yourself up to the sexual stuff. BOOTH: So did you have a sexual relationship with your boss? SWEETS: Okay, that's the total opposite of my suggestion. ROXIE: No. No. BOOTH: So what was the nature of your relationship? ROXIE: I assisted Geoffrey. I handled the details of his day-to-day life. Are you sure it's Geoffrey? SWEETS: Prevaricate, keep her guessing. BOOTH: Yes, we're positive. SWEETS: (sighs) Why am I here? BOOTH: As his personal assistant did you get him his drugs? ROXIE: If you mean his prescriptions, then... yes, I picked them up for him and I reminded him to take them. SWEETS: Ask her if Thorne was clinically depressed. BOOTH: He was depressed, right? ROXIE: Yes. He was... suicidal. Seeing a shrink. BOOTH: (looking towards the one-way mirror) That's why you're here. ROXIE: Because you think Geoffrey took an overdose? BOOTH: If he killed himself, I mean, wouldn't he have left a suicide note? ROXIE: Yeah, I would think that he would have... left me a message. BOOTH: (flipping through papers) Look, if you weren't sleeping with Thorne, then why did he name you the sole beneficiary of his estate? ROXIE: Geoffrey's will? BOOTH: Yeah, it's... about one million dollars. Look at that. (Booth puts a page in front of her) ROXIE: I had no idea that he was going to do that. SWEETS: Perhaps jealousy is her motive for killing Thorne. Why else would she deny sleeping with him? BOOTH: I don't think so. ROXIE: I swear. BOOTH: No, there was another reason why you weren't sleeping with Thorne.mIsn't that right, Roxie? ROXIE: Angela told you, didn't she? SWEETS: Told us what? BOOTH: Why don't you tell me. ROXIE: I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I've never been with a man in my life and I never will. SWEETS: oh, that changes everything. (the medico-legal lab. Booth, Brennan and Angela are walking down the stairs to the main floor) BRENNAN: So, according to his will, Roxie stands to inherit Thorne's entire estate. ANGELA: She said they were close. BOOTH: Well, people usually leave money like that to a wife or a lover. ANGELA: I don't think so. (they continue walking through a hallway) BOOTH: Because? ANGELA: Because Roxie's an old friend and she'd have told me. BRENNAN: Well, she says she's a lesbian. BOOTH: Delicacy, Bones. BRENNAN: What? It's not an affliction, Booth. ANGELA: Yes, Roxie is gay. At least she was when we were together. BOOTH: In school? ANGELA: Yes. BOOTH: Oh, you heard rumors. ANGELA: No, I have firsthand knowledge. BOOTH: Oh, you walked in on her, that's awkward. ANGELA: (stopping in front of a station and turning to address Booth) No, we were together, for over a year. BOOTH: Wow. You and, uh, Roxie? BRENNAN: You have a problem with that? BOOTH: No. I was just processing the information there, that's all, and in doing so, I was envisioning you and her, you know, together, and, well, not to... well, together, but... Really? BRENNAN: Women tend not to be as rigid in their sexual identities as men. BOOTH: Weren't we talking about murder, here? BRENNAN: Did she ever show any interest in men? ANGELA: No. And she would never kill anybody. BRENNAN: You haven't been close in a long time. ANGELA: She hasn't changed. BRENNAN: Except that now she's rich. BOOTH: Yeah, and before Thorne was killed, she wasn't rich. ANGELA: Roxie never cared about money. (looking at Brennan) I thought that you didn't speculate. BRENNAN: That doesn't preclude pursuing a logical line of inquiry. ANGELA: We still don't even know that it was murder. Thorne wrote about the need to become one with his work. He was ill. The logical signs point to suicide, don't they? BOOTH: You're right. Ange, we're sorry. We didn't mean to upset you. ANGELA: (sighs) I have work to do. Okay? (walks off) (cut to the main floor of the medico-legal lab. Daisy is examining the skull within the sculpture using a scope) DAISY: Here's the C2 axis. A little further, the C1 atlas. We're almost to the cranium. CAM: (standing behind Daisy) Nice. Now maybe you'll be able to rescue the princess. DAISY: (laughing) That's funny. Everyone here is so nice. You know, I think I may have initially come off as a bit too needy. My family was pretty dysfunctional, so... I tend to want a work environment to fulfill certain needs. CAM: (cutting Daisy off) Perhaps some therapy might help. DAISY: What a thoughtful suggestion. I always wanted a sister. CAM: (turning to look off camera) Dr. Brennan, Ms. Wick and I were just observing the handiwork of your beetles. (Brennan walks over) DAISY: They did a beautiful job of cleaning the bones, but half of the remains are still obscured by the metal. BRENNAN: The victim's right iliac crest shows a simple fracture. DAISY: I also found microfractures, extending from his right ribs, five through ten, down his right greater trochanter. BRENNAN: Very good. DAISY: Really? And they were really small. BRENNAN: Microfractures are by definition small. (Cam rolls her eyes) BRENNAN: What does this damage indicate? DAISY: A test. Okay... The damage is inconclusive. Um, the fractures could easily be explained by the crushing of the car, but some could be the result of an attack or a fall. BRENNAN: I agree. DAISY: (whispering to Cam) She agrees. (Cam smiles and nods. Hodgins walks down the stairs from the forensic platform) HODGINS: The victim's clothing shows traces of calcium oxide, ferric oxide and magnesium oxide. (he walks over to a computer station. Cam, Brennan, and Daisy follow) It wasn't found on the car seats or the carpet, just pressed into the fabric of his shirt, front and back. CAM: From what? HODGINS: It could be from stone if he was sculpting. It could be he was lying on gravel or about a hundred other things. We can't say without getting further access to the interior of the car. CAROLINE: (walking over to the group) Which access you were expressly denied by a federal judge, a federal judge who turned red and then blue and then some other color I have never seen before when he heard that flesh-eating beetles had somehow infested said work of art. BRENNAN: Domestic beetles were not specifically forbidden on the injunction. CAROLINE: I don't suppose "spirit of the law" means anything to you? (the four shrug and shake their heads) That little Kabuki lady started screaming like you peed on the Mona Lisa, that you compromised the integrity of the piece. That little stunt turned good opinion from the judge against us. CAM: How long have we got? CAROLINE: Two days to find evidence of foul play. HODGINS: And after that? CAROLINE: The question goes to the court and we grow old and die before a decision is made. And if there is a murder, that murderer walks around free. Ideas? DAISY: I will think about it until my head explodes. CAROLINE: This one's a keeper. (cut to Angela and Roxie in an art studio. They wander about as Angela looks at various paintings) ROXIE: Geoffrey let me use part of his studio. ANGELA: Roxie, these are wonderful. ROXIE: Thanks, Angie. ANGELA: What does Helen say? ROXIE: We're talking about an exhibition. ANGELA: That's great. When was your last show? ROXIE: Eight years ago, when we were together. (they laugh) ROXIE: I don't know, is it too sappy to say that you were my muse, or perhaps my entire source of self-confidence as an artist? (Angela turns to look at her and then goes back to looking at a painting) ROXIE: Your people think I killed Geoffrey. ANGELA: I can't talk to you about an ongoing murder investigation. ROXIE: If you can't prove it was a suicide, I'm going to spend the rest of my life being Geoffrey Thorne's murderer. ANGELA: That could jack up the price of your work, right? Sorry. Roxie... (Angela pulls out a painting of herself) ROXIE: Yeah, that's actually the first piece that caught Helen's eye. She wanted to buy it from me for herself. ANGELA: Why didn't you sell this? ROXIE: Some things aren't for sale. (they playfully brush their shoulders for a moment) ANGELA: I remember sitting for this. ROXIE: Happiest time of my life. ANGELA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I have to go. ROXIE: Why? (Angela grabs her purse) ANGELA: I know how to prove that Geoffrey Thorne committed suicide. [SCENE_BREAK] (cut to the floor of the medico-legal lab. Angela, Daisy, and CAM are standing in front of a giant machine that is set up over the sculpture) ANGELA: This type of device can be used to scan boxcars, shipping containers, anything metal where items can be hidden. DAISY: Amazing it is, this machine you have. (Cam and Angela look at her) DAISY: Star Wars? CAM: Youth doesn't excuse everything, Ms. Wick. So, you're feeding the scans into the Angelator? ANGELA: Every crease and fold, yeah. DAISY: We have less than 40 hours, you know. CAM: We're well aware of the time, we don't need a countdown. ANGELA: Then, I'll recalibrate and get a digital rendering of the bones inside, which I can enhance. DAISY: You've found out how to show what bone damage came from the actual crushing of the car. ANGELA: Factoring in the pounds per square inch of force exerted by the car crusher. DAISY: Oh, I hope you've included the car's frame and the tensile strength of the victim's skeletal structure. ANGELA: I'll make a note. CAM: Well, I programmed my phone to get the five-day forecast. (cut to the Angelator. Angela is showing Booth and Brennan her simulation of the crushed car) ANGELA: Okay, take a look at this. Here we have our car, right? It had a low-carbon steel frame with a yield strength of 22,450 psi. So, since I know the hydraulic crusher imparts 163 tons of force, first horizontally, then in a 32-degree curling motion, I was able to verify the source of every single ripple on the surface of the crushed car, which then gave me the data to play the crushing backwards. BOOTH: How did you do that? ANGELA: Daisy provided me with the approximate tensile strength of each of Geoffrey's bones, plugged in the bone fragments' final positions, and based on those, correlated each injury as the body was moved through the car as it was crushed. BOOTH: God, I really hope that guy didn't know what was happening to him. ANGELA: His bones sustained 88 fractures, all of which can be explained by the crushing in the car. BOOTH: Suicide. ANGELA: Most likely, yeah. (a buzzer is heard) BOOTH: What's that? ANGELA: Um... this run included the last of the data. (she looks disappointed) Oh, no. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: There's an 89th fracture. (a cut in the skull is highlighted) BRENNAN: The fracture there on his occipital... it was not caused by the car being crushed. BOOTH: What caused it? BRENNAN: I need to examine the skull. ANGELA: It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wanted to prove it wasn't murder. BRENNAN: But it is. The 89th fracture proves that Geoffrey Thorn was murdered. (An office break room. Caroline is pouring a cup of coffee and talking on her cell phone) CAROLINE: Okay, I got the injunction removed. You are free to crack open the car and remove the remains. (Booth and BRENNAN are in Booth's SUV. Booth is driving and has his cell on speaker phone) BOOTH: Thanks, Caroline, you are da bomb. BRENNAN: Why is she a bomb? BOOTH: No, da bomb. BRENNAN: Wait, what changed? It was a million dollar piece of art yesterday, and today, it's a piece of junk. CAROLINE: Cherie, you proved murder. That changed it from a work of art into a crime scene. BRENNAN: This is crazy, I don't understand. And I'm not used to not understanding things. BOOTH: Legally speaking, all that matters is that it's a crime scene. Isn't that right, Caroline? CAROLINE: That's right. Get in there and solve the murder, just like always. BRENNAN: That I understand. BOOTH: Thanks. (cut to the Medico-Legal lab floor. Hodgins prepares to cut into the sculpture with the Jaws-of-Life while Cam, Daisy, and Brennan observe) HODGINS: Stand back. I am going in. (he peels back enough of the car to reveal the skull. He pulls out other parts of the car) BRENNAN: Careful. Okay. Now, what we want to do here is remove the skull very carefully. (Daisy goes to pull out the skull) BRENNAN: Carefully. (Daisy puts too much pressure on the skull and it shatters in her hands. They all stare in horror) CAM: I can't believe you did that. HODGINS: Bummer. DAISY: Usually, when you say "we", you mean me. I'm so sorry. I'll put it together. I will stay up all night. BRENNAN: (looking very angry) I'll do it. DAISY: Well, I will assist you every step of the way. I will not leave your side. BRENNAN: I would prefer to do it alone. (cut to the interior of Booth's vehicle. He and Angela are driving) ANGELA: Am I under arrest? BOOTH: Nope. You're one of the good guys, all right? Look up Anton DeLuca on the FBI database. ANGELA: That's Geoffrey Thorne's big rival, huh? (she pulls up a list of information) He's a forger? BOOTH: You got to be kidding me. Under the alias of Lucas Danton? I mean, this guy really loves himself. ANGELA: Yeah, two years in prison. Forging Francis Bacon, Lucien Freud. Must be pretty good. BOOTH: All right, so I got a dead artist and a forger who hates him. That's got to cheer you up. I mean, your friend is no longer our prime suspect. ANGELA: Thanks, Booth. BOOTH: Ah-ha, Any time. ANGELA: So, does it freak you out? BOOTH: What? ANGELA: You know, that Roxie and I were a couple. BOOTH: No. I mean, come on, you had feelings for somebody. ANGELA: I'm surprised. BOOTH: Why, because you think I'm some kind of lunkhead cop? ANGELA: No, I just... BOOTH: All right. Uh... look, my Aunt Ruth had a roommate, okay? She was my favorite aunt. She and Franny, they'd take me to the ballpark, to the movies. And I heard talk when I was a kid. Beat up my friend, Pete, because of it. Then, I found out it was true. ANGELA: And...? BOOTH: I already said she was my favorite aunt. And Franny... well, you know, she had box seats for the Phillies games. I mean, come on, it doesn't get any better than that, right? ANGELA: Right. BOOTH: So, you and Roxie... hey. You know what I mean? ANGELA: Yeah. So, you brought me along. What can I do to help you? BOOTH: I want you to be an artist, okay, and, uh, keep me from looking like an idiot. ANGELA: I'm not positive I can do both. (they exchange grins) (cut to Anton DeLuca's studio. Booth is leaning on a pole while Anton sits at a table) BOOTH: So, we subpoenaed your bank records, and you're not exactly a starving artist. Where did you get the money? ANGELA: (looking at some paintings) Hey, Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? ANGELA: The brush strokes on this painting match the brush strokes on Thorne's car sculptures. BOOTH: Hmm, so you were forging Thorne's work. That's why you two were arguing. ANGELA: I didn't say these brush strokes are like the ones on the car sculptures. I'm saying that they are the same brush strokes. ANTON: You have a good eye. ANGELA: Brush strokes are like fingerprints. You can't fake them. DeLuca here is the guy who painted Geoffrey Thorne's car sculptures. (Booth turns to Angela slightly confused) BOOTH: You're positive? ANGELA: I'm positive. BOOTH: Okay, I can roll with this. (turns back to Anton) You want recognition for your brilliant work. Thorne says no, (raps the table for emphasis) you kill him. ANGELA: Oh, so good--cuff him. BOOTH: Right. ANTON: What, so Roxie can walk? BOOTH: Hey, watch it. ANTON: A) That work is anything but brilliant. Painting Thorne's cars was like a day job to subsidize my real art, and B... why would I kill my main source of income, you lummox? BOOTH: Yeah, a lummox who's got enough to hold you for 24 hours, pal. (cuffs Anton) ANTON: (to Angela) When this case falls apart and I get out tomorrow, you want to grab some dinner or something? ANGELA: (laughing) You're kidding. ANTON: Well, I hear the gate swings both ways. Maybe we can get a little threesome action. ANTON: You, me, hot Roxie? BOOTH: Hey! (slams Anton's head down on the table) Okay, all right. If you're gonna hit on Angela, you should do it with a little respect. Okay, let's go. (walks him out of the studio) (cut to a room in the Medico-Legal lab. Brennan is working on the skull at a table. Angela walks in) ANGELA: Is that Geoffrey Thorne? BRENNAN: Yes. (sighs) Nearly done. ANGELA: I honestly didn't think it would be murder. BRENNAN: Which makes your conclusions all the more credible. ANGELA: Only you would find that comforting. Booth is questioning DeLuca again. He seems to have a motive. BRENNAN: So, there's still a chance that your friend is not a murderer. ANGELA: Yeah. BRENNAN: We'll know more when we identify the murder weapon. ANGELA: It wasn't Roxie. BRENNAN: Do you still have feelings for her? ANGELA: No. BRENNAN: Booth tells me that sometimes people say the exact opposite of what they mean. ANGELA: I do still have feelings for her. BRENNAN: Are you saying the opposite of what you mean now or before? ANGELA: (sighs) We had a very intense relationship in college, and she fell in love with me-- way in love with me. When I broke it off, she was really hurt. BRENNAN: That happens with you. Look at Hodgins. ANGELA: This was worse than Hodgins. This was, "I'm gonna run away to Europe and stop being an artist" hurt. BRENNAN: Oh ANGELA: I don't really think that I have the right to open up that can of worms again just because some feelings are rising to the surface. BRENNAN: It's too bad there isn't a way to experiment with sexuality. ANGELA: That's how I got into this whole mess in the first place. BRENNAN: Well, I meant... ANGELA: I know what you meant. I'm just... BRENNAN: On the bright side, if she did kill Geoffrey Thorne, you won't have to think about any of that. ANGELA: Thanks, Brennan. How long is it gonna take you to identify the weapon? BRENNAN: I can do it right now. I've seen this injury many times. I'm almost certain that the death blow came from a common fire ax. (a room in the Medico-Legal lab. Cam is working as Hodgins walks in) HODGINS: There's also limestone and silicon oxide on his clothes. (he goes to a computer and keys something in. Cam comes over to look) HODGINS: Mix them all together, and poof, we've got a match with the concrete floor at the gallery. CAM: Well, it turns out that not all the blood on the floor of the gallery came from that performance with the pig. (she shows Hodgins a large screen at which she has been working) This is human. HODGINS: Is any of it Thorne's? CAM: Someone worked very hard to clean it up. It's making things difficult. (cut to Helen's gallery. She and Booth are standing by one of the sculptures as FBI techs work in the room) HELEN: First you destroyed Geoffrey's finest work, and now you are destroying my business. BOOTH: Yeah, well, you know what else got destroyed? Geoffrey Thorne. HELEN: My grief and my business are two separate things, Agent Booth. FBI TECH: Sir, look at this. HELEN: Is that my fire ax? BOOTH: Yes. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Cam said there was human blood mixed in with the pig's. (Booth walks over to where Brennan is standing by another sculpture) MARCUS: (walking around Brennan looking at the floor) I think we found it. There are definite blood stains here, but they're underneath a layer of what we think is turpentine. BRENNAN: Could I borrow your lighter? BOOTH: Why do you want my lighter? BRENNAN: Just... BOOTH: (handing the lighter to Brennan and turning to Marcus) Sure, here. Okay, so what do we know about that? MARCUS: Not much. I doubt we'll be able to identify the bleeder. (Brennan uses the lighter to start a fire on the floor) BOOTH AND MARCUS: Woah! (Booth jumps to get out of the way of the flames) BOOTH: Sheesh! Hey Bones, you know, you almost lit my butt on fire BRENNAN: (standing) Well notice that the flames leapt from the center room towards the loading dock. BOOTH: Wait. So, you're saying that Thorne was killed here and then dragged there. MARCUS: Can we get the UV lights over here, please? BRENNAN: (using a UV light) Not dragged, Booth. Rolled. BOOTH: I got to tell you, that was a great trick there, Bones. MARCUS: Yeah, remove the turpentine, reveal the blood soaked into the concrete. BRENNAN: The blood stains show up approximately every 35 centimeters. BOOTH: That would explain why Hodgins found the cement particles on the front and the back of the clothing. MARCUS: Yeah, but why rolled instead of dragged? BOOTH: Thorne was a big guy. Okay, whoever killed him could not pick him up and carry him to the loading dock and put him in the car. They had to roll him. (mimes rolling as he walks) You understand? Roll. BOOTH: (pointing to Helen) Excuse me, tiny little woman. HELEN: (walking over) Yes. BOOTH: Can you account for your whereabouts the night that Geoffrey Thorne was killed? HELEN: Yes, I was at home. I was reading. That was a lie. I was watching The Real Housewives of Orange County. I find it a brilliant postmodern performance piece. BRENNAN: So, no alibi. HELEN: Geoffrey's work was selling. I was making money. Why would I kill the golden goose? I wasn't going to inherit anything. Not like Roxie. BRENNAN: It all seems to come back to Roxie. BOOTH: Angela is not going to like that. (cut to a table at the bar from earlier in the episode. Sweets and Angela are eating.) SWEETS: It's exactly the same situation as the last time we were sitting here. Except, you know, you're quieter. ANGELA: No, that was about Hodgins. This is about Roxie. SWEETS: (loudly in shock) You want to have s*x with Roxie. (a man at the bar turns to look at them) ANGELA: What was that about quieter? SWEETS: I'm sorry, I'm not certain that you're being guided by your brain, that's all. Need can be confused with love. Fantasy can convince us that what we are feeling is love. ANGELA: So, you're saying that this is all rebound? SWEETS: (taking a sip of his drink) Yeah. ANGELA: No. You don't understand love, Sweets. SWEETS: I'm not as innocent as you might think. ANGELA: You have this bourgeois notion... SWEETS: (laughing) Bourgeois? ANGELA: ...that in order for love to be real it has to be permanent. Nothing is permanent. That's just a fact. We move in and out of loving other people, but that doesn't make the love any less real. SWEETS: Mm-hmm, perhaps you're saying this because you've never met the love of your life. ANGELA: (nodding) I have, actually. Many times. Fine. SWEETS: It seems to me that you always leave yourself an escape hatch in your relationships. Because you're afraid of commitment. ANGELA: Nice try. But no. Actually, I commit to every person I love. SWEETS: You marry a man and then conveniently forget that you married him because you got zonked on Kava Kava. That compromises your relationship with Hodgins so that ends, along with the marriage. Now you say you have these intense feelings. . . (Angela begins to look more and more serious) SWEETS: . . . for an ex-lover whose heart you've already broken. Don't you see the potential disaster here? ANGELA: Look, you said that, without the possibility of pain, there can be no joy, no real love. SWEETS: I said that? (Angela sighs) SWEETS: That's beautiful. ANGELA: Look... I don't want to hurt Roxie again. SWEETS: Then don't. Don't. Put her welfare first. Let Roxie decide if she's ready to pursue this relationship. ANGELA: Okay. And what if she doesn't? SWEETS: Then I'm afraid you'll have to live with that pain. (cut to the medico-legal lab. Hodgins is using a mass spectrometer as Daisy watches) DAISY: I used a mass spectrometer during my summer internship at Johns Hopkins. I even taught my friend how to use it. HODGINS: Excellent. Next you should learn the concept of personal space. (Cam walks up as Hodgins tries to get past Daisy to the computer) CAM: What'd you get off the ax? HODGINS: It was wiped clean with turpentine, no signs of blood. (he holds out a folder) DAISY: And he also checked the handle. HODGINS: Sodium chloride and odorants. DAISY: Sweat. Most likely human. CAM: What was the eccrine pH? HODGINS: Seven. DAISY: It was a woman. What you should have him do next is match the DNA from the sweat to Angela's lesbian lover-- see if there's a match. HODGINS: Do you ever listen to yourself? CAM: Yeah, but it's a good idea, Hodgins. You might want to prepare Angela. (Sweets' office. Cam is sitting on the couch as Sweets walks in) SWEETS: Doctor Saroyan? CAM: Thank you so much for seeing me. SWEETS: I didn't agree to see you. How come none of you people ever book an appointment? Frankly, it's annoying. CAM: (pointing vigorously) Ah. Annoying. That's exactly why I'm here. I... (Sweets sits) CAM: I've done an unofficial, confidential survey of my people and... SWEETS: And they find me annoying? No, it's worse. They hate me. You know why, don't you? It's because Dr. Brennan undervalues psychology and all of you have picked up her vibe. Now, I know that sounds paranoid... CAM: And the word "vibe" is a little dated. SWEETS: But it's true. CAM: I'm not here about you being annoying. It's Daisy Wick. SWEETS: Daisy? CAM: Yes, she's very smart, very able, and she has a knack for turning reasonable people into flaming gas balls of fury. SWEETS: You want me to talk to her? CAM: No, no. I need your advice on how to tell Daisy we can't have her at the lab anymore. I'm very comfortable with incompetence, but when it's just a matter of personality... SWEETS: I'll do it. CAM: What? Really? SWEETS: Yeah, I'll talk to her. CAM: Well, as the boss, it's kind of my job to fire people. SWEETS: And as a boss, you know that sometimes it's better to delegate. I'll do it. Let's just hope she doesn't turn me into a flaming gas ball of fury. CAM: Well, I'm no psychologist, but I think you should be flattered that we all drop in on you and ask your advice. (she walks out) SWEETS: Thank you. (cut to the medico-legal lab. Brennan walks up to Hodgins who is working at a station. Cam is also present) BRENNAN: Okay, I'm ready for you to blow up my mind. HODGINS: Okay, now first off, I almost missed this so, don't praise me too much. CAM: The point is, you didn't miss it. HODGINS: Yeah, but only because Angela asked for a personal favor. And I am powerless to resist. (He puts a slide under a microscope. He then walks past a set of tables pointing out objects) Okay, now, this is the victim's clothing. And this is the ax handle of the "presumed" murder weapon. As you know, there were traces of sweat on both of them. But not the victim's sweat. BRENNAN: Female sweat, yes. CAM: Presumably the murderer sweat on the ax handle then perspired while rolling the victim's body to the car. HODGINS: Yes, now, upon further analysis, I discovered other traces in the sweat. BRENNAN: Imatinib mesylate, hydroxyurea, busulfan. Do you have any idea where these chemicals might have come from? CAM: Medicines. Treatments for cancer. HODGINS: I looked them up. This is treatment for chronic myelogenous leukemia. CAM: Then Roxie is not our murderer. BRENNAN: You can't necessarily tell if someone has leukemia from looking at them. CAM: No, but this drug here, busulfan, it causes highly visible skin discoloration. BRENNAN: Oh, then that is very good for Angela. Not that we are swayed by those considerations. (she smiles and walks off) CAM: What's that look? HODGINS: She knows who did it. (cut to an interrogation room. Helen is on one side of the table with Booth and Brennan facing her) HELEN: I had no reason to kill Geoffrey. BOOTH: Oh, you own several of his art pieces. We all know that art increases in value when an artist dies. HELEN: Anyone could see that Geoffrey Thorne wasn't long for this world. I'm a very patient woman. BRENNAN: Except you're dying, Ms. Bridenbecker. HELEN: Nonsense. BRENNAN: Would you please remove your makeup? HELEN: I will not. I want a lawyer. BOOTH: Really? (picks up some papers and begins looking at them) Because, you know, the phone records-- they indicate that you contacted a cancer clinic in Mexico City. And we do know that that clinic costs a small fortune. BRENNAN: If it's any consolation, it wouldn't have worked. Their "treatment"-- it's not legitimate. HELEN: (on the verge of tears) You don't know that. BRENNAN: I'm afraid I do. Places like that are set up to prey on the hopes of people like you. HELEN: Geoffrey was going to die anyway. (begins wiping off her makeup) Anyone could see that. I did him a favor. I gave him his start. Geoffrey would much rather have been remembered as a fully committed artist than as a common murder victim. BOOTH: Really? Maybe he preferred to live. HELEN: Well... well, so would I. I guess none of us get what we want. (cut to the gallery. Roxie is watching the video of Geoffrey Thorn as Angela walks in) ANGELA: Hey, Roxie. ROXIE: Now what do I do? ANGELA: Well, you have money, and you have a studio. I think what you should do is your own art, full time. ROXIE: That's not what I mean. Did you ever, even for a second, think that it was me? ANGELA: No. Not for a second. ROXIE: Why? ANGELA: Because we... we really knew each other once and I don't think that... you've changed much since then. ROXIE: Have you changed? ANGELA: Uh, I don't, I don't know, Roxie. Um... maybe I have. But I'm not, I'm-- I haven't changed... (Roxie kisses her and Angela kisses back) (cut to the Medico-Legal lab. Cam and Hodgins are on the balcony watching Daisy on the forensics platform) CAM: How do you think he's going to do it? HODGINS: He'll convince her that it's best for her to move to another job. (Booth walks over with Brennan) BOOTH: What's going on? HODGINS: Sweets is firing Daisy for us. CAM: We're wondering what his method will be. BRENNAN: He'll explain to her logically (Sweets walks up the platform stairs) that this environment is not conducive for either her or us and, as a scientist, she'll realize that he's right. BOOTH: No, Sweets is a lot sneakier than that. He'll use some kind of psychological Jedi mind trick to make her think it was her idea to quit. SWEETS: (walking over to Daisy) I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first? DAISY: The bad first. SWEETS: You're toast here. Nobody wants to work with you. DAISY: Why? SWEETS: You know why, Daisy. There are some things that you have to work on when it comes to interpersonal relations. DAISY: Does anybody like me? SWEETS: No, I'm afraid not. DAISY: What's the good news? SWEETS: There's absolutely no reason for us to be discreet about our relationship anymore. DAISY: Really? SWEETS: Yeah, why'd you ask me that? DAISY: Because I thought we were being discreet because you're a little bit ashamed of me. (Sweets looks up at the balcony and then kisses Daisy. They make out for a moment.) HODGINS: I'm totally shocked. BRENNAN: Yeah. They should not be doing that on the forensic platform. CAM: That's a method of termination I've never tried. But bravo, Dr. Sweets. (Cam and Hodgins walk off) BOOTH: They'll never work. They're like complete opposites. BRENNAN: I agree. For all her faults, she's a woman of science, Sweets bases his life on the vagaries of psychology and emotion. (Booth scoffs) BRENNAN: You know, there's no common ground. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: You need common ground. What else is there? BOOTH: Absolutely. (Daisy and Sweets walk off together)

A corpse is found inside a crushed car like those used in car sculptures made by an artist named Geoffrey Thorne. Evidence leads to the art gallery where Thorne displays his work. Roxie Lyon arrives on the scene and presents herself as Thorne's assistant. Roxie states that Geoffrey has been depressed and that he's been talking about being part of his exhibit. She is later revealed to be an ex girlfriend of Angela's. When Booth interrogates Roxie, he asks her if she slept with Geoffrey. Roxie claims that she didn't, since she's a lesbian, and to ask Angela if he doesn't believe her. Later, Roxie tells Angela that she was her muse and that when they broke up, Roxie lost her inspiration. Daisy Wick returns as the intern of the week.

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[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.] Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach! Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine's Day! Phoebe: Oh, you, too. Joey: Hey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross'? Rachel: It's good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank you. I'll see you guys later. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Bye. (Rachel exits with coffee) Joey: There's one lucky to-go cup of coffee. Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top? Joey: Thanks. But maybe later. Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone? Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything? Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never going to happen! Gunther: We have red bagels. Joey: Oh, okay. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.] Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together? Ross: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, 'Fossils are my friends.' Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don't kiss ass. Ross: Uh, I'm going to take off. Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape! Ross: What is it? Phoebe: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment? Ross: All right. (reading the label) 'Candy and Cookie?' Phoebe: Yeah. Candy's the mother, Cookie's the daughter. The father's also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people? Monica: (entering with something behind her back) Phoebe, c'mere. I want to show you something in the bathroom. Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up! Ross: Hey, what's behind your back? Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day. Ross: You don't want my opinion? Monica: Not really. Ross: Come on, I'm your older brother, ask me! Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm...revealing articles of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her? Ross: (quietly) The red one. [Scene: Joey and...wait...just Joey's. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.] Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know you've been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate. Joey: No, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again. (Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!) Phoebe: He-hee! Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane. Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up! Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the dog sticks his head between Joey's legs) Oh! Not that kind of fun. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.] Chandler: Happy Valentine's! Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! I'll be right out. I'm slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty. Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) 'Candy and Cookie'. 'Candy and Cookie?' Monica got me p0rn?! Girl-on-girl p0rn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "p0rn") (A woman on TV breaths hard) Man on TV: Yeah, just relax. Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine. (The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandler's eyes get huge!) Chandler: Woah, woah, that's not pretty! Man on TV: Now, push! Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts! Chandler: Worst p0rn ever! Worst p0rn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.) Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop! Chandler: I am trying! [Scene: Joey's. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.] Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesn't, and the dog goes running off.) Well, you're cute, but you're not too smart! (The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly like the same one Joey has.) Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back) Did I just throw this? Rachel: (entering) Hi. Joey: Hi. Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this? Joey: Oh, that's, uh, that's Phoebe's friend's dog. I don't know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella. Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips...kind of like you do to a baby or...well...a puppy...it's hard to explain. Just use your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I've got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can't stop it. (exits) Joey: (to the dog) C'mere. Hey. C'mere. That's Rachel. She's the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you-we love her. But we can't have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You're a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.] Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit) (Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge) Monica: (to herself) I've still got it! Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this? Monica: What is it? Chandler: It's yelling...bleeding...dilating. Oh, the dilating... Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's. Why were you even watching it? Chandler: I thought...maybe...you got me p0rn for Valentine's Day. Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you p0rn for Valentine's Day... (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, it's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having s*x with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars. Anyway, you want to take a look? Chandler: Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now. Monica: Honey, what's going on? Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws? Monica: Mm-hmm. Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water? Monica: Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day! Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it. Monica: Child-birth, it's a natural thing! It's beautiful. Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like he's going to throw up!) Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me! Chandler: See, honey, there's-(puts his hand on her leg) Monica: Don't touch me! [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch reading a magazine as Mona enters.] Mona: Hi! Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic City? Mona: Good. Ross: Yeah? Mona: I brought you back a present. Ross: Wha-? Oh, come on. You didn't have to-saltwater taffy?! (Mona laughs) Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea water, but it's actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That's not interesting. Mona: I think it's interesting. Ross: I do too! I missed you! Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week? Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking! Mona: How exciting! Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh... the only sad thing is I wasn't around when it happened for the first time. Mona: Oh no. Ross: Yeah, I'm missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. Mona: (laughing) Yeah right! Ross: What? Mona: Joey cracks me up! It's like, 'Yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all!' (she laughs again) Ross: (not amused) Huh...uh-huh. Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs...yes...again!) (Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and he's starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy he's eating in his mouth) Mona: So, what'd you tell him? Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you? Ross: I don't know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy! Phoebe: Taffy, really? I've never had any. Ross: Ever?! Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. (Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, you're just never going to tell her? Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me. Phoebe: If I haven't said it before: she's a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going to-what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to the taffy, which she's been chewing this whole time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What's the deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, it's nice! May I try a pink one? [Scene: Joey's. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.] Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn't going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat. Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog? (the dog doesn't move) You're subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer? Joey: No. Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment. Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me, right! (Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen) Phoebe: He's miserable! What happened to him? Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff. Phoebe: What stuff? Joey: Rachel stuff. Phoebe: Oh...Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him! Joey: He's breathing! Phoebe: Okay, I'm going to take him back to Wendy's. Joey: No, no, no, no! He's fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Here's your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog! [Scene: Ross and...Rachel's...I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Well, I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight? Rachel: Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans! I've got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy! Ross: Y'know, it's interesting! Most people think that's made with seawater, when in fact- Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together. (There is a knock on the door.) Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! (runs to her room to get her money) Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing there) Mona? What are-hi! What are you doing here? I'm, um, supposed to pick you up! Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine's dinner! Surprise! Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of like...)Ayyyayyyy! Rachel: (entering) Oh, hey, Mona! Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) What's she doing here? Ross: I have no idea! Rachel: I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me. (exits to her room) Mona: Seriously, what is she doing? Ross: Uh...lately, she just likes hanging out here. Mona: Why? Ross: I think she's lonely. Mona: Okay, but it's Valentine's Day! Ross: I know. Mona: Can't we just ask her to go? Ross: No, no. She's way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy. (Doorbell rings) Rachel: I'm not here! That's just my Chinese food! Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here? Ross: Mm-hmm. She's-she's emotional, but, but ballsy. Rachel: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits) Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don't you, uh, open the champagne, and I'll be right back. I've got a surprise for you. Mona: You got another ex-wife back there? Ross: (fakes a laugh) Please start drinking! (exits) Rachel: (entering) I'm just going to grab the phone. Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, but, um... what are you doing? Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need the phone? Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don't you go back to your place and give us some privacy? Rachel: (as Ross enters with a present) But, but, Mona, I live here. Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentine's Day! ...Or something to remember me by. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.] Monica: How long has it been this time? Chandler: 90 seconds. Monica: That's better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it...except all I did was think about it. Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up 'til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver! Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don't we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed? Chandler: I can do that. Monica: Okay. (Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion) Chandler: Okay. Now all we've got to do is get rid of this chair. (Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they can't do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.) Monica: Oh, thank God! Chandler: Oh, I know! Monica: Come in! Rachel: (entering) Hi! I'm so sorry to barge in on your Valentine's, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross. Monica: Oh, my God. Chandler: Poor Ross. (Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross' apartment) Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes! Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It's here. Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don't watch it. Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary? Chandler: Well, let's just say it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself. Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me. Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you! Rachel: C'mon, seriously, you guys, you're not going to make me watch this alone! Monica: She's right...of course not. Honey, get the tape. Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go. Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?! Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?! Monica: It's...still beautiful. Rachel: Uh! It's horrible! Monica: I know! I know, I'm so sorry for you! Rachel: Oh, my God! (Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes) Chandler: Wait, you guys, look! Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?! Chandler: No, the baby's out! Look, look! Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes! Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now! Monica: Oh...Rach! Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you don't have to do it! [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from...God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that we've never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd....] Ross: Hey, hey, man! Joey: Hey, what's up? Ross: Uh...Mona just dumped me. Joey: Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why? Ross: Well, with everything that's been going on lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know? Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine's Day. Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine's Day? What's going on, huh? Girl trouble? Joey: Sort of. Ross: Really?! Joey: You don't have to seem so happy about it. Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it. Joey: Oh, I...I d- Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y'know, actually once-once I got dumped during s*x. (Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away) Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it? Joey: Forget about it. It's no big deal. Ross: C'mon! Joey! What is it? Joey: It's nothing. Ross: Hey, hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me? Joey: Okay, uh...sit down. (they do) Um... there's this woman that I like. A lot. But, uh...it can't happen. Ross: She's not a Tribbiani? Joey: No! Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work? Joey: Yes. Ross: Well, uh, does she like you? Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn't matter, because I can't do anything about it. Ross: Why not? Joey: Well, it's complicated. She's with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we're really good friends. Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh... is he still in love with her? Joey: No. I don't think so. Ross: Okay. Um... is he a good guy? Joey: Yeah, he's the best. Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it. Joey: Oh, I don't know. Ross: Joey, it's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her. Joey: I do! So much! I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep, I- Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. Gunther: (placing a cup in front of Ross) Here's your warm milk. Ross: I'm going to...uh...I'm going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home. Joey: Oh, yeah. Ross: Anyway... seriously, uh...just...just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until...) Joey: It's Rachel. (Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute...Ahh! What's going to happen next??!!! I can't make it all the way through the Olympics!!!) Closing Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.] Rachel: (thinking) You're going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, you're going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR) Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! I'll do...anything to make that happen! Man on TV: Anything? (Music starts playing...yes...you know what kind of music...) Rachel: (thinking) Hmm...maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.

Phoebe gives a birthing video to Rachel. Chandler, mistaking the tape for porn, watches it and is horrified after watching it with Monica, which kills the mood for Valentine's Day . Ross struggles to tell Mona that Rachel is now living with him; she breaks up with him over his dishonesty. Joey is depressed so Phoebe lends him a dog to cheer him up. However, Joey ends up affecting the dog with his depression. In the end, he tells Ross about his feelings for Rachel.

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[Elena's car.] STEFAN (PHONE): Elena. It's Stefan. I know that picture must have confused you. But I can explain. I need to explain. Please, when you get this, call me. Elena has an accident. She collided a man. Her car is back to front but Elena has nothing. She sees the man getting up. ELENA: Aah! Aah! Aah! The man disappears. DAMON: How ya doing in there? ELENA: Damon? DAMON: You look stuck. ELENA: My seat lt. DAMON: Let me get you out of there. I want you to put your hands on the roof. Just like that. You ready? ...2, 3. I got you. Are you ok? Can you stand? Anything broken? ELENA: Uh-uh. DAMON: Whoa, you're fading fast, Elena. Elena, look at me. Focus. Look at me. Ok. ELENA: I look like her. DAMON: What? Upsy-daisy. Damon leaves with Elena in his arms. [Alaric's House.] ALARIC: I found one. After years of reseah and study, there it was right in front of me. I was terrified. As I stared it in the eyes, I drove a stake through its heart. I was right about Mystic Falls. There is evil here. I can sense it. Feel it. It's everywhere. He is watching a photography of a youg woman, probably his girlfirend. [Flashback.] ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: Mmm. It's not even 7:00 yet. ALARIC: Which means you shouldn't be awake for at least 6 hours. ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: I hate morning people. ALARIC: I'm going to be home te tonight. ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: Mm love you. ALARIC: And I love you too. [Damon's car. Elena wakes up] DAMON: Morning. ELENA: Where are we? DAMON: Georgia. ELENA: Georgia? No, no. No, we're not. Seriously, Damon. Where are we? DAMON: Seriously, we're-- we're in Georgia. How ya feeling? ELENA: I--I-- DAMON: There's broken bones. I checked. ELENA: But my car. There was a man. I hit a man. But then he got up and--who was that? DAMON: That's what I would like to know. ELENA: Where is my phone? Ok. We really need to go back. Nobody knows where I am. Pull over. I mean it, damon. Pull over! Stop the car! DAMON: Oh you were so much more fun when you were asleep. He stops the car. DAMON: Hey. ELENA: I'm fine. We have to go back. DAMON: Oh come on. Look. We've already come this far. ELENA: Why are you doing this? I can't be in Georgia. I wrecked my car. I have to go home. This is kidnapping. DAMON: That's a little melodramatic, don'you think? ELENA: You're not funny. You can't do this. I'm not going to Georgia. DAMON: You're in georgia. Without your magical necklace I might add. I can very easily make you...Agreeable. ELENA: What are you trying to prove? [Elena's cell phone rings.] ELENA: That's my phone. DAMON: Mmm. It's your boyfriend. I'll take it. Elena's phone. STEFAN: Where is she? Why do you have her phone? Is she ok? DAMON: Elena? She's right here. And, yes, she's fine. STEFAN: Where are you? Let me speak to her. DAMON: He wants to talk to you. ELENA: Uh-uh. DAMON: Yeah. I don't-- I don't think she wants to talk to you right now. STEFAN: Damon, I swear to god, if you touch her-- DAMON: You have a good day. Mm-hmm. Bye-now. STEFAN: Argh! ELENA: Look. No one knows where I am. Can we please just go back? DAMON: We're almost there. ELENA: Where is there?! DAMON: A little place right outside of Atlanta. Oh, come on, Elena. You don't wanna go back right now. Do you? What's the rush? Time-out. Trust me. Your problems are still going to be there when you get home. Look. Step away from your life for 5 minutes. ELENA: 5 minutes. Am I going to be safe with you? DAMON: Yes. ELENA: Will you promise not to do that mind control thing with me? DAMON: Yes. ELENA: Can I trust you? DAMON: Get in the car. Come on. [Jeremy and Alaric.] JEREMY: Hey, Mr. Saltzman. ALARIC: Hey, Jeremy. I, uh--can't find my ring. I took it off for the gym and thought I put it-- there it is. JEREMY: Losing family heirlooms-- bad. ALARIC: How's your extra credit coming? You pick a topic yet? JEREMY: Mystic Falls, the cil war era. ALARIC: What's the angle? JEREMY: My family-- I found a journal of an anstor who lived in the 1800s. And the Gilberts were one of the original founding families of Mystic Falls. So... ALARIC: That sounds good. [Stefan and Bonnie.] STEFAN: Bonnie. BONNIE: Stefan STEFAN: Hey. BONNIE: Hi. STEFAN: I haven't seen you lately. How are you doing with everything? BONNIE: I'm fine. It's all fine. STEFAN: Good. Yeah BONNIE: Are you back in school? STEFAN: No. Actually I came here to find you. I s hoping you could help me with something. A spell. BONNIE: Stefan, look, I know Elena's ok with all of this, and I appreciate what you did to help me. But I'm not really ready to dive into it with you just yet. STEFAN: I understand. But I need your help. It's Elena. She's with Damon. I have Elena's necklace. I was just hoping you could use this to make some sort of a connection. I just need to know that she's ok. BONNIE: How do you know I can do this? STEFAN: Because I've known a few witches over the years. I've seen what they can do. BONNIE: I'm still new at it. STEFAN: It's ok. Give it a shot. BONNIE: Ok. All right. She tries to feel something with the necklace. BONNIE: There's nothing. Nothing's happening. Usually there's an image or... Tell me if anyone's looking. STEFAN: Ok. BONNIE: All right. She takes a leaf and tries to fly it. STEFAN: What is it? BONNIE: Something's wrong. STEFAN: With Elena? BONNIE: With me. There's something wrong with me. I have to go. I'm sorry, Stefan. I can't help you. [Damon's car.] ELENA: So, where's my car? DAMON: I pulled it off on the side of the road. I don't think anyone will bother it. ELENA: At about that man in the road? Was he a...? DAMON: From what I could tell. Yeah. ELENA: You don't know him? DAMON: If I've never met him, I wouldn't know him. I mean, it's not like we all hang out together at the vamp bar and grill. He stops the car in front of a bar. ELENA: You brought me to a bar? Damon, I'm not old enough. They're not going to let me in. DAMON: Sure they will. WOMAN: No. No, it can't be. Damon. My honey pie. She kisses Damon. WOMAN: Listen up everybody! Here's to the man that broke my heart, crushed my soul, destroyed my life, and ruined any and all chances of happiness! Drink up! Ahh. Whoo! WOMAN: So, how'd he rope you in? ELENA: I'm not roped in. Actually, I'm dating his-- WOMAN: Honey, if you're not roped, you're whipped. Either way, just enjoy the ride. ELENA: Ok. So, how did you two meet? WOMAN: College. ELENA: You went to college? DAMON: I've been on a college campus, yes. WOMAN: About 20 years ago, when I was just a sweet, young freshman I met this butiful man, and fell in love. And then he told me about his littleecret, made me love him more. Because, you see, I had a little secret of my own that I was dying to share with somebody. DAMON: She's a witch. WOMAN: Changed my world. DAMON: I rocked your world. WOMAN: He is good in the sack, isn't he? But mostly he's just a walkawayoe. So, what is it that you want? [Jeremy in a library.] He looks at books when some books fall him above. A girl arrives. GIRL: Oh my god. I am so sorry. There was this one book wedged between the other. And I pulled and then kaplunk, kaboom. Are you ok? JEREMY: Yeah, I'm fine. GIRL: Ohh! I'm Anna. JEREMY: I'm Jeremy. [Grams' house.] BONNIE: Thank god you're back. GRAMS: And hello to you, too. What's the matter? BONNIE: Powers are gone, Grams. I can't do anything, even when I concentrate. And there's nothing in in any of these books that can tell me how to get them back. GRAMS: Hang on, now. Just calm down. Tell me what happened. BONNIE: I can't. GRAMS: We keeping secrets now? BONNIE: I have to. I'm sorry. I promised. Please help me. GRAMS: Well, first of all, there's nothing in any of these that's gonna help you. If you're blocked, it's in here. You gotta clear it out, then you're back in business. BONNIE: Clear what out? GRAMS: Whatever's got you so scared. [Elena phones.] ELENA: Hi, Jenna. I'm so sorry. JENNA: Where are you? Why didn't you call? ELENA: I was so tired last night. I fell asleep at Bonnie's. And then this morning, I just wanted to get to school. JENNA: Are you ok? ELENA: You know, Stefan and stuff. DAMON: Come on, there's gotta be another way. WOMAN: After all these years, it's still only Katherine. How do you even know she's still alive? DAMON: Well, you help me get into that tomb and we'll find out. WOMAN: I already did. 20 years ago. Remember? 3 easy steps-- Comet. Crystal. Spell. DAMON: There's a little problem with number 2. I don't have the crystal. WOMAN: That's it, damon. There is no other way. It's Emily's spell. DAMON: What about a new spell with a new crystal that overrides Emily's spell? WOMAN: It doesn't work that way, baby. Emily's spell is absolute. You can't get into that tomb. [Bonnie in the wood.] BONNIE: Hello? Anybody here?! Aah! Bonnie falls. [Front of the bar. Elena's cellphone ringing.] STEFAN: Elena, is th you? ELENA: I'm here. STEFAN: Where are you? ELENA: You lied. STEFAN: Not until I explain, please. ELENA: So, you didn't lie? STEFAN: Just tell me where you are. So that I can comeet you. ELENA: How am I connected to Katherine, stefan? STEFAN: I honestly don't know. ELENA: And I'm supposed to believe that? STEFAN: It's the truth. I-- Listen-- She hangs up. Damon is behind her. DAMON: You ok? ELENA: Don't pretend to care. I know you're gloating inside. Damon's friend phones. WOMAN: Hey, it's Bree. You'll never gonna guess who walked into my bar. [Bonnie, in the tomb.] BONNIE: Oww. Hello?! Anybody?! Ahh! [Grams' house. Stefan is knocking.] STEFAN: Hi. GRAMS: Can I help you? STEFAN: I'm Stefan. I'm a friend of Bonnie's. Her dad told me that she might be here. GRAMS: She was. Not anymore. STEFAN: Do you know where she went? GRAMS: No. But you do. STEFAN: I'm sorry? GRAMS: I told her to face down her fear. And I'm sensing now that you know exactly why she was scared. You know what I am. And yet you offered me your hand, which means you wanted me to see that I can trust you. STEFAN: Can you? GRAMS: I just you'll keep her safe. You'd better be on your way, then. I'm not going to invite you in. I'm sure you understand why. [SCENE_BREAK] [At the library.] ANNA: This aisle is local and state history. And civil war is one over. What do you need? JEREMY: Local. 1860s. Do you work here? ANNA: Nope. You want reference. This way. Uh, home-schooled. I study here for a moc school environment. Ah, here we go. Original settlers, town archives, founders stuff. It's all here. So, what's your topic ? JEREMY: The town's fear and hysteria surrounding the war and how it influenced certain writers of the time. ANNA: You might want to focus that. JEREMY: The origin of local folklore and myths. ANNA: You mean the vampires? [At the bar.] ELENA: Let's just say that I'm descended from Katherine-- Does that make me part vampire? DAMON: Vampires can't procreate. But we love to try. No. If you are related, it would mean Katherine had a child before she was turned. ELENA: Did Stefan think that he could use me to replace her? DAMON: Kinda creepy if you ask me. Come on, what? You don't like pickl? What's wrong with you? ELENA: How can you even eat? If technically you're supposed to be... DAMON: Dead. It's not such a bad word. As long as I keep a healthy diet of blood in my system, our body functions pretty normally. ELENA: This nice act. Is any of it real? BREE: Here you go, honey. DAMON: Thank you. ELENA: I'll have one too. DAMON: Hmm? ELENA: Time out, remember? For 5 minutes? Yeah, well that 5 minutes is going to need a beer. BREE: There you go. [In the library.] JEREMY: You're kidding me, right? There's no such thing as vampires. ANNA: Well, there's not a lot of documentation but the stories have been told since the civil war. My granddad used to tell me all these creepy stories when I was little. And he said that his granddad told them to him. JEREMY: Yeah. That would be folklore. Vampires are a metaphor for the demons of the day. ANNA: Which are? JEREMY: The union soldiers. I've read the stories myself. They talk about the enemy, the demons that attack night. ANNA: That sounds like vampires to me. JEREMY: Allegorical vampires. Which is what it is. Creative expression during a very volatile time. I mean, a couny at war doesn't want realism. They want fantasy. Thus, vampire fiction. ANNA: Man, you're smart. I gotta give it to you. When I first saw you, I missed it. JEREMY: Yeah. I've had a rough go of it lately. But I'm just now getting back to my old self. ANNA: Well, good luck on the paper. I gotta get home. You know, my great grandfather actually showed me a journal once of an ancestor and he had written all of this creepy stuff about vampires. It was actually really believable. JEREMY: Wait. A journal? ANNA: Yeah? Why? JEREMY: Are you sure you have to go? [In the Tomb.] Bonnie tries to phone. BONNIE: Come on, phone! Great! Great. Someone arrives behind her. STEFAN: Bonnie! BONNIE: Get away from me! STEFAN: It's me. It's stefan. BONNIE: Stefan. The ground gave way and I fell. STEFAN: It's ok. It's ok. Calm down. Come on, let's get you out of here. BONNIE: How? STEFAN: Just close your eyes. Trust . He jumps. STEFAN: You can open your eyes now. BONNIE: Whoa. STEFAN: I didn't want to scare you. BONNIE: How did you know where I was? STEFAN: Well, your grandmother told me what you were doing. I guessed the where. BONNIE: I heard them. Down there. Behind the door. Are they in pain? STEFAN: In the beginning--yes. But not anymore. They've been starved to the point of dessication. BONNIE: But if they have blood-- STEFAN: That's not going to happen, Bonnie. They can't get out. Emily saw to that when she had you destroy the crystal. You're safe. [In the bar.] DAMON: Ready... BREE: Go! They drink. ELENA: That's 3. Do you need a bib? DAMON: Sorry I can't unhinge my jaw like a snake to consume alcohol. ELENA: Whatever. All right. Who's next? Another round, Bree. GIRL: Honey, you should be on the floor. ELENA: I am not even drunk. My tolerance is, like, way up here. BREE: All right. Here you go. [At Mystic Grill.] JEREMY: So, you have no idea where the journal is? ANNA: Nope. Gramps died. And all the kids split his stuff. I can ask. JEREMY: I just find it weird that our ancestors kept the same kind of journal. It's crazy. ANNA: Maybe it's based in some partial reality. JEREMY: No. It's gotta be a metaphorical. My ancestor wrote short stories. ANNA: So, that's why you're hung up on the fiction of it all. JEREMY: No, I'm hung up on fiction of it all because I've seen "the lost boys" and "near dark," like, 50 times. ANNA: Are those movies? Hey. I've never seen them. Maybe we can have a fright night and rent a whole bunch of vampire movies. JEREMY: Uh, yeah, sure. ANNA: Why does that sound like a no way in hell? Sorry, I'm blunt. JEREMY: No, it's--I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I just recently got out of something. It's a little too soon, you know? ANNA: Oh please, sure. No worries. I meant as friends. Yeah. Look, I really gotta go. Nice meeting you, Jeremy. [In the bar.] [Elena's cell phone ringing] ELENA: Hello? JENNA: Elena ? ELENA: Jenna? Hold on, it's loud in here. JENNA: Elena, where are you ? Are you ok ? ELENA: Huh? Yeah. No, I'm good. Eveything's fine. Hold on. I can't hear you. Elena falls. ELENA: Hello ? Someone arrives behind her and kidnaps her. BREE: Hey, where's your girl? DAMON: Hmm. BREE: She was right back there. Damon goes out of the bar. He finds Elena's cellphone on the ground. He goes behind sheds. ELENA: Damon, no. A man attack him. DAMON: What the hell?! ELENA: No! He beats Damon. DAMON: Who are you? MAN: That's perfect. You have no idea. ELENA: What are you talking about? What did he do? MAN: He killed my girlfriend. What did she do to you, huh? What did she do to you?! Nothing. ELENA: I don't understand. MAN: My girlfriend went to visit Stefan, and Damon killed her. Got it? He beats Damon. DAMON: Ugh! ELENA: Lexi? Lexi was your girlfriend? She told me about you. She said you were human. MAN: I was. ELENA: Lexi turned you? MAN: If you want to be with someone forever, you have to live forever. ELENA: She loved you. She said, "when it's real, you can't walk away." MAN: Well, that's a choice you're not going to have to make. ELENA: Don't. Don't, please, don't hurt him-- MAN: I'm doing you a favor. ELENA: Lexi loved you. And she was good. That means you're good too. Be better than him. Don't do this. I'm begging you! Please. Lexi's boyfriend stop to beat Damon. ELENA: Thank you. MAN: It wasn't for you. [Gram's house.] GRAMS: Well, now, look who's returned from battle. Can I talk to your friend for minute? BONNIE: Thank you. GRAMS: I appreciate your help, Stefan. STEFAN: You're welcome, Sheila. GRAMS: I wasn't sure you remembered. STEFAN: October 1969. GRAMS: I was barely a teenager. STEFAN: And you were leading what was probably the only anti-war sit-in within miles of Mystic Falls. GRAMS: Hmm. STEFAN: You know when you spoke, people were mesmerized. I know I was. GRAMS: Until the cops showed up. You took a big risk coming to see me earlier. Letting me read you, realize who you were. It could have gone a completely different way. STEFAN: Your family has a very long history of keeping my secret. I knew that I could trust you if you believed I waworthy of your trust. GRAMS: Bonnie knows, doesn't she? STEFAN: Yes. GRAMS: Please understand, our loyalty can only extend so far. This town won't be easy on any of us if they figure it out. And I'll protect my own before anybody else. STEFAN: I know that. GRAMS: As long as we're clear, goodnight, then. STEFAN: Goodnight, Sheila. [In the bar.] DAMON: We were just leaving, and I wanted to sagood bye. BREE: Good to see you again, Damon. DAMON: No kiss? BREE: I'm full of vervain. I put it in everything I drink. DAMON: And you're telling me this why? BREE: Lexi was my friend. How could you? The tomb can be opened. DAMON: You're lying! BREE: Emily's grimoire, her spellbook. If you know how she closed the tomb the reversal process will be in her book. You can open that tomb. DAMON: Where is this book? BREE: I--I-- DAMON: You have no idea. BREE: No. I'm telling you the truth. DAMON: And I believe you. My dear, sweet Bree. That's why I'm almost sorry. BREE: Ugh! He kills her. [In Damon's car.] ELENA: So, why did you bring me with you? DAMON: Well you're not the worst company in the world, Elena. You could give yourself more credit. ELENA: Seriously? DAMON: You were there in the road. All damsel in distress-like. And I knew it would piss off Stefan. And... U're not the worst company in the world, Elena. ELENA: I used to be more fun. DAMON: You did ok. ELENA: I saved your life. DAMON: I know. ELENA: And don't you forget it. [Salvatore's House.] ELENA: Hi. STEFAN: Hi. ELENA: You could have told me. STEFAN: I wanted to tell you. ELENA: You said no more lies. Only the truth. I can handle the truth, Stefan. As crazy as it is, I can handle the fact that you are a vampire. And you have a vampire brother. And that my best friend is a witch. I can accept the fact that the world is much more mysterious place than I ever thought possible. But this--this lie, I can't take. What am I to you? Who am I to you? STEFAN: You are not Katherine. You are the opposite everything that she was. ELENA: And when did you figure that out? Before you kissed me? Before we slept together? STEFAN: Before I met you. ELENA: What? STEFAN: The first day of school. We when met. It wasn't for the first time, Elena. ELENA: Then when was it? STEFAN: May 23, 2009. ELENA: But that was-- STEFAN: That was the day your parents' car went off the bridge. ELENA: You were the? STEFAN: Every couple of years that I come back here to see Zach and see my home. Last spring, I was out in the woods, by old wickery bridge. And I heard the accident. All of it. I was fast getting there, but not fast enough. The car was already submerged. Your dad was still- he was still conscious. I was able to get to him, but he wouldn't let me help him, until I helped you. ELENA: Oh my god. When I woke up in the hospital, nobody could figure out how I got out of the car. They said it was a miracle. STEFAN: I went back for them. But it was too late. I couldn't-- I couldn't save them. When I pulled you out, I looked at your face. You looked like Katherine. I couldn't believe the resemblance. After that, I spent months making sure th you weren't her. I watched you. I learned everythi that I could about you. And I saw that you were nothing like Katherine. And I wanted to leave town, but, Elena, I couldn't. I couldn't leave without knowing you. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you. I wanted to. But you were so sad. ELENA: Why do I look like her? STEFAN: Elena, you've been through so much. ELENA: Why do I look like her, Stefan? What are you not telling me? STEFAN: It didn't make any sense to me. You were a Gilbert. She was a Pierce. But the resemblance was too similar. And then I learned the truth. You were adopted, Elena. [In the library.] ANNA: There you are. JEREMY: Hey. ANNA: Hi. Ok, look. I know I don't know you, so don't ask me why I did this. I just, sometimes-- mostly all the time- I have this need to be right. So I googled and... JEREMY: What is it? ANNA: Proof. Sort of. JEREMY: What does this mean? ANNA: Well, I only went as far back as 1942, and found that there's been a string of animal attacks periodically in and around this town for the past 75 years. It's consistent. In '62, 5 boes found. In '53, 4 people killed. In '74, 3 people dead. And there's been 5 this year. All attacked. All suffered major blood loss, as in drained of blood. [Stefan's bedroom.] ELENA: How do you know that? STEFAN: Your birth certificate from the city records. It says Elena Gilbert. Mystic falls general. But there's no record of your mother ever being admitted.There's no record of her ever being pregnant. ELENA: What else do you know? STEFAN: For me to go any further, I would've had to look into the Pierce family, and I couldn't do that. It's too much of a risk. If someone found out I was asking about Katherine-- Listen to me, it doesn't matter. You are the woman that I love. I love you. Elena kiss him. [Elena's house.] JENNA: I don't set a lot of rules, Elena. Not with you. I trust you to tell me the truth. Where were you? Why would you lie to me about it? I thought that we were closer than that. ELENA: Now is not the time you want to talk to me about lies. JENNA: Don't do that. Don't turn this back on me. I didn't do anything. ELENA: Ok, question-- am I adopted? I trust you to tell me the truth too, Jenna. How could you not tell me? I thought we were closer than that. JENNA: Elena, didn't-- they asked me not to. ELENA: I don't want to hear it! [At Mystic Grill. Alaric sees Damon.] [Flashback.] ALARIC'S GIRLFRIEND: I love you. ALARIC: I'm going to be late tonight. Later. Alaric returns at home. He sees Damon drink the blood of his girlfriend. [Reality.] Alaric understands Damon is the vampire which killed her girlfriend.

Damon's arrival causes the mysterious stranger to flee, and Damon frees Elena from her overturned car. Damon brings Elena with him to Georgia to see Bree, a witch and an old flame of Damon's, hoping she can help open the tomb to free Katherine. Bree calls Lee, Lexi's boyfriend (as Lexi was her friend), who wants revenge on Damon for killing Lexi. Elena saves Damon, and he kills Bree after she tells him to find Emily's spellbook. Back in Mystic Falls, Stefan opens up to Bonnie's grandmother in an attempt to help Bonnie come to terms with her new powers and make her aware that she has the power to become a Bennet witch. Meanwhile, Jeremy meets Anna, a young woman who knows the true past of Mystic Falls. When Elena and Damon return, Stefan reveals that he saved Elena from the crash that killed her parents. Stefan also tells Elena that her parents adopted her, but knows nothing more about her parentage. He claims his love to Elena and she forgives him. Also, Alaric sits at the Mystic Grill bar and recognizes Damon as the vampire who killed his wife.

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MUSIC IN: EXT. STREET - DAY (SFX: SIRENS B.G.) RICK: Let's move! Let's go! Get those BAs up. Pull a cord and a half! Let's get ready to roll! Davis, get those utilities turned off, quickly! Move it! DAVIS: (MUFFLED) I'm on it, Sir! RICK: (V.O./MUFFLED) We're in front. You start in back! FIRE FIGHTER: (V.O./MUFFLED) Come on, Scotty. You're with me. Let's move. (KNOCK ON DOOR) RICK: (SHOUTS) Fire department! Let's go. (SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - DAY (SFX: FLAMES B.G.) (SFX: SMOKE ALARM BEEPING B.G.) RICK: (V.O./MUFFLED) You two spread out. Clear the bedrooms! I'll take the kitchen! FIREFIGHTER: (V.O.) We'll cover these down here!(SFX: FIREFIGHTERS VOICES B.G.) (SFX: RICK BREATHES HEAVILY B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. KITCHEN - DAY RICK: (V.O./MUFFLED) Every damn time. False alarm, fellas. Just another overcooked bird. Or something. (ON CAMERA) Tough to tell after six hours in the - oh dear. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY (SFX: ESPRESSO COFFEE MACHINE B.G.) LANDON: Double Americano for Thom. (BEAT) Aren't you Thom? MCGEE: Yes, thank you. Sorry. LANDON: You must need that badly. Don't even recognize your own name. Medium mocha coming up. MCGEE: It's my other name. LANDON: Two names, huh? MCGEE: Well, two jobs. It's Thom when I'm writing. Not that I've actually written anything in weeks. LANDON: Writer's block? MCGEE: Creative stifling. I am crumbling under the pressure of expectations. LANDON: Oh, you're Thom E. Gemcity! Your photo's on the back cover! I loved Deep Six. MCGEE: Thanks... Landon. Thank you. LANDON: Can't wait to see what happens next. MCGEE: You and me both. Two weeks until my deadline. I'm stuck here in chapter seven. LANDON: Well, it could be worse. MCGEE: How's that? LANDON: It could be chapter six. Okay, we've got a half caf percent latte and a medium double decaf for Whitney.(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. Yeah. (TO LANDON) The other job. LANDON: Good luck. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - DAY TONY: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a John Hughes masterpiece. Now there's a guy that didn't have time for writer's block, Probie. Sixteen Candles, Uncle Buck, The Breakfast Club. MCGEE: I do not have... I'm just struggling to find out the most efficient way to tell my next story. TONY: Now, do you think Hughes writes on a computer or does he use an old-fashioned typewriter, like you? MCGEE: Well, I'm sure he uses a computer, Tony. Most writers do. TONY: Did you ever consider converting? MCGEE: I don't think that's the reason for my ... TONY: Were you going to say... writer's block? MCGEE: I like my typewriter. TONY: But it doesn't like you. It's a classic tale of unrequited love between a boy and his machine. You can use that if you want. But remember, you've got to have a love story. I can see the poster already. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. KITCHEN - DAY (SFX: CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: The house is leased to Petty Officer Darren Cove. No roommates, but according to the neighbors, he is rarely alone. (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: I can tell. He's got a fridge full of beer. No hard alcohol. ZIVA: Except for this. Ooh! If smells could kill, I think we just found our murder weapon. GIBBS: I'm more concerned with where they came from. ZIVA: Neighbors said this was a notorious party house. Maybe someone brought in the mixers. GIBBS: And they left with them, too. ZIVA: Seems like a lot of effort for a couple of drinks. Wasted effort. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) The blood starts at the ping-pong table. TONY: Beer pong. MCGEE: Huh? TONY: This is tragic. Don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie? What did you do at MIT? MCGEE: Studied. TONY: That figures. Well, beer pong is a drinking game, the object of which is to take the ping pong ball and try to get it into the other team's cups. MCGEE: (BEAT) Show me how it's done. TONY: This is a crime scene, not a frat house. You hearing voices, Probie? MCGEE: I figured you saw Gibbs coming. TONY: I just don't think this is the time or the place to showcase my beer pong skills. (BEAT) What? MCGEE: It seems out of character. TONY: (LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah. No, you may not use me to get over your writer's block. ZIVA: McGee has writer's block? MCGEE: No, McGee does not. ZIVA: Just do what you did last time. Write about us. MCGEE: Okay, I've told you guys a million times. The book is not about you. TONY: No, of course not. It's about Special Agent Tommy. ZIVA: And Officer Lisa. GIBBS: (V.O.) Dinozzo. TONY: And L.J. Tibbs. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BEDROOM - DAY GIBBS: Get this. TONY: Looks like McGee wasn't the only writer here today GIBBS: Bag it. NOTE: ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Petty Officer Cove joined the Navy three years ago, right out of high school. His C.O. says he's a little immature, but basically a good kid. TONY: A good kid with a criminal record. Since enlisting, he's been arrested twice. Both misdemeanors. Public intox in oh-four, and a noise ordinance violation last July. MCGEE: He works to live, and lives to party. It's his C.O.'s words. TONY: Guys in his Command call him Darren "Diddy" Cove. GIBBS: Why? MCGEE: Uh, it's a reference to Sean "Diddy" Combs. TONY: The Puff Man. P-Diddy. Rap impresario. Went out with J-Lo. Petty Officer Cove was on duty yesterday. MCGEE: Left the base at eighteen hundred. Hasn't been seen since. TONY: And neither has his blue Ford Ranger. It should be in his garage, but it's not. MCGEE: Which means his attacker took it. GIBBS: Or Petty Officer Cove went for a drive. MCGEE: Well, with that amount of blood loss, it's doubtful he was conscious. GIBBS: If it was all his blood. TONY: Well, Abby'll tell us, because Cove's blood sample is in his medical records. ZIVA: (V.O.) Thank you. MCGEE: I'm going to go check the BOLO, see if he's got a hit on the pickup. ZIVA: That's not necessary, McGee. Norfolk Police just found it abandoned along Highway Five. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. RAVINE - DAY ZIVA: I've noticed oversized dice like these in numerous vehicles. Do they serve a purpose? Hello? Tony? TONY: What? ZIVA: Do they serve a purpose? TONY: Fuzzy dice? Pretty good redneck indicator. Other than that, no. They don't serve a purpose. We've got a lot more blood back here, Boss. Think this was used to cover the body? GIBBS: Yeah. Or bodies. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Abs. I'm listening.(GIBBS WALKS O.S.) ZIVA: (LONG BEAT) McGee, you look like you've seen a goat. MCGEE: Huh? Oh, ghost. Seen a ghost. Yeah, do you know what déja vu is? ZIVA: Bien sur. My French is better than my English. MCGEE: Right. ZIVA: So? MCGEE: What? ZIVA: The déja vu? MCGEE: I can't place it. ZIVA: (LONG BEAT) By any chance, did you start dating someone, McGee? MCGEE: Dating? Please. I spend every spare minute I have writing. GIBBS: Hang on a second. McGee, get this towed back to lock-up. (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Go on, Abs. TONY: Abby's got something. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - NIGHT TONY: Watch out! It's Halloween at Coyote Ugly. Piper Perabo! ABBY: Oh, if you liked that one you're going to love this. It's... it's a Sciuto original. I like to call it "Bottoms Up." ZIVA: Oh! I had no idea you were a bartender, Abby. ABBY: Well, my Uncle Teddy used to own a bar on Canal Street. And I used to bartend on the weekends. GIBBS: The case, Abby. ABBY: Gibbs, you haven't even seen my famous "Fire Bomb!" It can wait. So I tested the blood that was in Petty Officer Cove's house. Most of it was his, but one sample did not match. ZIVA: It could have been from a prior accident or an altercation at one of his parties. TONY: Or it could be the killer's. ABBY: I also removed prints from our mystery cocktails. One half of our drinking duo was definitely Petty Officer Cove. GIBBS: The other half? ABBY: Well, it's a work in progress, Gibbs. GIBBS: Tell me you have more to this, Abby. ABBY: Have I ever let you down? Don't answer that. Um, I'm using my mass spectrometer to break down the molecular structure of the cocktails in question. TONY: Guessing that's where all these come in. ABBY: Well, you guess correctly. I think I've made over one hundred delightful beverages trying to find... the match. The weird thing is, this baby isn't in any bartending guide, anywhere. It's made out of Jagermeister... MCGEE: Cherry soda, vanilla vodka, lemon juice, and a plash of Tabasco. It's called a "Hairy Hangover." TONY: And you came to know this how, McGee? MCGEE: I created it. Our missing Petty Officer is a character in my next book. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (READING) "Cameron Meyer is a good old boy from Northern Virginia. He was born with not much, raised with even less. All he wants out of life is a good girl and a great truck. As of yesterday, he's halfway there. He dropped his life savings on a blue Ford Ranger." TONY: That's it? MCGEE: Tony, it's all here. The fuzzy dice, the cinnamon rolls, red track jacket. Petty Officer Cove is Cameron Meyer. ZIVA: Uh, but how is that possible, McGee? MCGEE: My writing isn't entirely fiction, okay? My stories are...sometimes I base my characters on people I... TONY: Work with? MCGEE: See. People I see. GIBBS: You've seen Petty Officer Cove before? MCGEE: Every morning at my coffee shop. ZIVA: But how come you didn't recognize his photograph? MCGEE: He only uses the drive-thru. To me he's just the "large coffee, with the cinnamon roll" guy in a blue pickup truck. I never saw his face. TONY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Back up. Your coffee shop has a drive-thru? That's... that's not important. ZIVA: Just because you based your character on a person who is missing does not necessarily mean the two of them are related, McGee. GIBBS: Yeah, it does. You created the drink. MCGEE: Made it up about a month ago. GIBBS: How did two glasses of it get from your head to inside Petty Officer Cove's house? TONY: Someone's read your book. GIBBS: Are your papers under lock and key? MCGEE: Well, I sent my publisher a copy a couple weeks ago, but, you know, I'm sure she... GIBBS: Address. MCGEE: (BEAT) Um...Boss, there's more. After Deep Six hit stores, my publishing firm received a ton of emails addressed to Thom E. Gemcity. TONY: Tons? MCGEE: Most of them were autograph requests, or feedback on the novel. But in the last couple weeks, my publisher says that we've gotten some really weird letters. Borderline obsessive. I didn't say anything because I assumed they were harmless. GIBBS: Dinozzo, with me. McGee, you stay here with Ziva. Start going through your book. MCGEE: What exactly am I looking for? GIBBS: Answers, McGee! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CRAWSHAW'S OFFICE - DAY RYDER: Miss Crawshaw will be with you shortly. TONY: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! RYDER: Is there anything else I can get you while you wait? TONY: Yeah. A barf bag. RYDER: I'm sorry? CRAWSHAW: Todd, black tea, lemon, crab salad, arugula. (TO GIBBS) You're Timothy's people. GIBBS: A few weeks ago, he sent you a draft of his next book. CRAWSHAW: Partial. It wasn't finished yet. TONY: Yeah, it still isn't, is it? GIBBS: How many of your people here have read the book? CRAWSHAW: Zero. No one in my agency has access to advance material without the writer's consent. GIBBS: Except you. CRAWSHAW: Writers are notoriously insecure. Soft, even. TONY: Well, that doesn't sound like our little Timmy McGee, now, does it? CRAWSHAW: Whether they ask for it or not, I provide coddling, prodding, protection. Anything it takes to keep those elusive muses singing.... Agent... GIBBS: Gibbs. CRAWSHAW: Here you go. Rock Hollow; The Continuing Adventures of L.J. Tibbs. How's this connected with your investigation? TONY: A person's missing. We believe it's related to the contents of that book. CRAWSHAW: Oh, I guess I just made myself your prime suspect. GIBBS: Sounds about right. CRAWSHAW: I may be the only one in the firm who's read it, Agent Gibbs, but I can guarantee you I'm not the only one in the city. TONY: McGee hasn't given the book to anyone else, Ms. Crawshaw. CRAWSHAW: Obsessed fans always find a way to get material early. They dig through trash, hack computers, anything short of writing it themselves. And believe me, Timothy has some of the craziest fans I've ever seen. GIBBS: Yeah, we know about the letters. CRAWSHAW: Yeah, there are three that stand out. Todd! Bring me those three... RYDER: Gemcity letters? CRAWSHAW: No return addresses. Each one's stranger than the last. I bet the psychopath you're looking for is somewhere in that envelope. TONY: What makes you think we're looking for a psychopath? CRAWSHAW: Don't you read crime novels? They are always psychopaths. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY DUCKY: (READING) "I am sending this letter to express my gratitude for the literary gift you've given me. The majesty of your writing is far beyond anything this planet has ever seen." (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: A rave review. DUCKY: Rave indeed, Jethro. Yeah. In fact, it's quite possible that Michael is Timothy's greatest admirer. GIBBS: Admirer or stalker, Duck? DUCKY: At this point I'd say he is no immediate threat to himself or anyone else. GIBBS: At this point? DUCKY: Well, one does not become a predatory stalker overnight, Jethro. The mind typically goes through three stages. This letter, strange as it may seem, is only at stage one. The attraction stage. GIBBS: And the other two? DUCKY: Well, on the surface, this letter written by Andrew, would appear more normal. But phrases like "I breathe for your words," and "you need me," might suggest... GIBBS: .... otherwise. DUCKY: But because of that sense of desperation, I'd categorize that letter as stage two; obsession. GIBBS: What's stage three? DUCKY: Well, read for yourself. GIBBS: (READS) "I know you think of me often, just as I think of you. Please don't make me do something we'll both regret." DUCKY: Now that letter has an aggressive and threatening tone. For that reason, it falls into the final stage; destruction. GIBBS: Three letters. Three stages. DUCKY: I know what you're thinking, Jethro. That it's no coincidence. Although the letters may appear to be very different, the writing style is nearly identical in all three. GIBBS: The same person wrote all three? DUCKY: And judging by the postmarks, the letters were written and sent over a period of several weeks, during which time the writer became increasingly delusional. GIBBS: Motive? DUCKY: Oh, I can't say for certain. But I say the answers can be found in Timothy's new book. The writer believes that Timothy's fiction is very much real. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND ZIVA READ THE SCRIPT) MCGEE: Tony, about.... TONY: (PAUSE) Done. MCGEE: So? TONY: I'm confused. MCGEE: This isn't a critique, okay? We're trying to find something useful - confused by what? TONY: The plot, the back story. Pretty much everything. The whole thing doesn't make sense. MCGEE: Ziva, what about you? ZIVA: Um... not as confused as Tony. MCGEE: Well, I haven't finished it yet. It's just a rough draft. ZIVA: Very rough. I'm sorry, McGee. TONY: Who's the killer anyway? MCGEE: I don't know yet. TONY: There's your problem. I mean, you always have to know where your story is going. That's fiction writing one-oh-one. MCGEE: Not the way I choose to write, Tony. TONY: And he wonders why he has writer's block. MCGEE: Can we focus on the problem here? We've got a missing person, and our only lead is my book. ZIVA: Well, that's not much of a lead. TONY: She's right. We don't even know how the book factors in. GIBBS: (V.O.) We do now! (ON CAMERA) The letters were written by the same person. He thinks the book is real. ZIVA: And believes Petty Officer Cove is a part of it. GIBBS: It means we're going to have to go everywhere he's been. MCGEE: Well, we've already done that, though. His home, work, hangout spots. GIBBS: I'm not talking about Petty Officer Cove. I'm talking about your good-old-boy with the pickup truck, Cameron Meyer. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. HIGHSIDE CREEK - DAY ZIVA: High side Creek is where Cameron goes to clear his head. MCGEE: Well, thematically, this location is very important, Boss. TONY: You've been saying the same thing all morning, McGee. GIBBS: Spread out. TONY: Why would Cameron come to a picnic area to think? ZIVA: In his book it's not a picnic area, it's his favorite fishing hole. MCGEE: Thank you, Ziva. TONY: Don't you think it's kind of a cliché to have your character alone, staring into the serene wilderness? MCGEE: No. If it was, I wouldn't have written it, Tony. TONY: I mean, knowing Cameron, if he was bummed out, wouldn't he just go to the Wing Shack with some buddies and toss back a few brews? ZIVA: Or talk to a priest? Don't forget that he's very religious now that his father died. TONY: Good point! MCGEE: No, it isn't. Cameron keeps his emotions bottled up. When he's upset, he comes here. Afterwards, he always feels better. GIBBS: Not always. MCGEE: (PAUSE) That's him. That's Petty Officer Cove. ZIVA: Then who is this?! MCGEE: (LONG BEAT) That's Jerrod Brenner. That's another character from my book. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. HIGHSIDE CREEK - DAY DUCKY: Two bodies, both with nearly identical stab wounds in the chest and abdomen. It appears that Petty Officer Cove may have put up a bit of a struggle. Note the remnants of skin tissue and blood under the fingernails. Now, both men have been deceased for less than twenty-four hours. ZIVA: That is not all they have in common, Ducky. TONY: They're also both characters in McGeek's next book. DUCKY: Yes, from what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes, I hear that it's an Army... MCGEE: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that... GIBBS: Army what, McGee? MCGEE: Uh...Lieutenant... Colonel.... Lieutenant Colonel... GIBBS: We got a murder weapon, Duck? DUCKY: Yes, well that's where things get interesting, Jethro. Both wounds are circular, about one inch in diameter. TONY AND ZIVA: (IN UNISON) Javelin. MCGEE: Chapter Four, my characters Cameron Meyer and Jared Brenner - they murder a convenience store clerk to cover up an extortion. TONY: Javelin. Believe it or not. DUCKY: DUCKY: That is for what they were originally intended, Anthony. A javelin is a modern day murder weapon. I applaud your creativity, McGee. Of course, well, given the circumstances... oh, dear. (CONT.) Now I'm going to have to read his new book. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Petty Officer Darren Cove and Adrian Corbette - the inspiration behind two of McGee's characters, Cameron Meyer and Jerrod Brenner. GIBBS: Any other connection? MCGEE: Not that we've found. Corbett worked as a valet at Alfonso's Steakhouse. TONY: Your favorite. MCGEE: That's how I got to know him. For my book, I borrowed his physical details - the nose ring, birthmark on the face and the neck. GIBBS: Where's his job? MCGEE: Valet at a steakhouse. But I did change the name of the restaurant. TONY: From Alphonso's to Alfredo's. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out. GIBBS: The note from Petty Officer Cove's apartment. TONY: "One down, two to go," means the killer's not finished. GIBBS: How many more of your characters did you base on real people? (BEAT) Hey! How many? MCGEE: Just the team. You, Tony, Ziva, everyone. Are you happy, Tony? I finally admitted it. I based both my novels on your guys. GIBBS: That means we're all potential targets. MCGEE: Boss, I'm sorry! GIBBS: Ducky, Abby, Palmer... twenty-four hour security detail until we find this psycho. ZIVA: Twenty-seven javelins sold in the D.C. area in the past six months. Twenty-one were paid for by credit cards. All by track coaches and athletic directors. GIBBS: What about the last six? ZIVA: Cash transactions. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: Yeah, Gibbs. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I've got something for you, Gibbs. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I got it, Abs. We'll be right down. (TO TONY) Go! Go! (TO MCGEE) Not you. MCGEE: Two men are dead because of me, Boss. GIBBS: You got a javelin, McGee? MCGEE: No, but I own a typewriter. GIBBS: It's a typewriter. Not a shotgun. MCGEE: It caused two men their lives because I based my fictional book on real people. GIBBS: Then put these on. (SFX: HANDCUFFS CLATTER TO THE TABLE) GIBBS: You just confessed, right? MCGEE: Not exactly. GIBBS: There's no mid-ground, McGee. You either put on the cuffs, or you find who's responsible. MCGEE: How? GIBBS: This guy's inside your head. You get inside his. MCGEE: Boss, it's not that simple. I still don't even know what my story is! GIBBS: You figure it out, McGee! You write the ending to this, or the killer will! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT ZIVA: Well, McGee feels bad enough.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) TONY: Only makes it worse that he admitted it.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE SHUT) ZIVA: It was no secret he was writing about us. TONY: Oh, come on. It's not about us. I mean, the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart? ZIVA: The memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen? TONY: Yeah. Where's he getting that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets? ZIVA: (CHUCKLES) When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis? TONY: Yeah. I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming. I don't even know what that is. ZIVA: Yeah, totally unrealistic. TONY: Would never happen.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: What do you got, Abs? ABBY: Three hours sleep. My apartment flooded last night. Did you know that trying to flush voodoo dolls down the toilet is a bad idea? TONY: I do now. ABBY: Where's Gibbs? ZIVA: He's chomping out McGee. TONY: Chewing. ABBY: So a little birdie told me that both of you have read the first half of McGee's new book. TONY: A little birdie, huh? ABBY: And don't even ask, because I will not reveal my source even if you torture me. ZIVA: Ducky? ABBY: Yes! All right. Let's hear it. TONY: Hear what? ABBY: The book! At the end of Deep Six, Goth Forensic Specialist Amy Sutton, she broke up with her boyfriend because she was dating somebody else. Who's the somebody else? TONY: Oh, yeah. Um... yeah, that part didn't really come up, yet. ZIVA: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it uh... in, you know, the second part of the book. ABBY: You guys are so lying! (GASPS) He's gay! Ah, there's somebody else! I had a feeling, 'cause Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know? GIBBS: Know what? ABBY: Forensic Specialist Amy - she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs. GIBBS: Is that why I'm here? ABBY: No. GIBBS: Then Amy's on her own. ABBY: ABBY: (QUIETLY) We'll talk later. (TO GIBBS) Um, I ran the blood samples that we pulled off the two bodies. (CONT.) Petty Officer Cove had unidentified blood on his right forearm and hand - matched the blood from his house. ZIVA: Our killer's DNA. ABBY: I'm no investigator, but odds are you're right. GIBBS: That's good work, Abs. ABBY: I also checked Petty Officer Cove's Ford Ranger and Thom E. Gemcity's c-mail for prints. TONY: C-mail? ABBY: Yeah, it's like cookoo mail. No, no. I just made it up. Um... nothing on the truck. All the latent prints belonged to Petty Officer Cove. But on the c-mail, there's dozens of different prints. TONY: Well, that makes sense. 'Cause paper mail gets processed through post offices, delivery trucks, mail rooms. ABBY: Exactly. There's still one spot that only the sender touches. ZIVA: The back of the stamp. You pulled a print? ABBY: Not only did I pull a print, I already got a match. Todd Ryder. Arrested last year for possession of marijuana. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY (SFX: AUTOPSY DRAWERS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: Looking for something, Timothy?(SFX: DRAWERS SLIDE CLOSED) MCGEE: MCGEE: I'm just looking. Petty Officer Cove wasn't just a partier. I... called his elderly parents. He visited them two hours every single day. (CONT.) This guy, Adrian Corbett, he just got married. DUCKY: Yes. I took off his wedding ring. MCGEE: Not quite the notorious playboy I made him out to be. DUCKY: Appearances can be deceptive. MCGEE: Every single word I wrote was wrong. DUCKY: No, every word you wrote was fiction. That's why they call them characters. MCGEE: But they're not just characters in a book. They're real people, and real families. Were. DUCKY: I sympathize with the way you feel, Timothy. But you are not to blame for any of this.(SFX: AUTOPSY DRAWERS SLIDE SHUT) MCGEE: Tell them that. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BUILDING - DAY TONY: Todd! TODD: Oh, god! Look out! TONY: What do you call that?(MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND GIBBS CHASE TODD) GIBBS: Running, I think.(SFX: TODD SHOUTS) TONY: Todd, hey! GIBBS: Where's his car? Where's his car?! EMPLOYEE: Employee lot. Around back. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY TODD: (SHOUTS INTO PHONE) Get out of the building! They know! They're chasing me! Okay... GIBBS: You should have left the top down. Put your hands on top of your head. (TO TONY) Nice of you to join us, Dinozzo. TONY: I thought I was gaining ground. He's got a very unorthodox running style. It's very effective, though. GIBBS: Not effective enough. TODD: I didn't want to do it. I told her it was a bad idea. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MCGEE: I actually trusted her. ZIVA: There is no way you could have known, McGee. TONY: Ziva's right, Probie. It's not your fault. But if you even think about writing a third novel, I'll kill you. ZIVA: When Abby finds out who her character really feel in love with, you will already be dead. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM (DOOR CLOSES) CRAWSHAW: I have been sitting here half the night, Agent Gibbs. What am I being charged with? GIBBS: Tampering with a Federal investigation. CRAWSHAW: That's ridiculous. I've answered every question you've asked. GIBBS: Resisting arrest. CRAWSHAW: I told you already. I wasn't running. I was late for an appointment. GIBBS: And murder. CRAWSHAW: You think I murdered someone? GIBBS: Their names are Petty Officer Darren Cove and Adrian Corbett. CRAWSHAW: Never heard of them. GIBBS: Okay. Well, how about Cameron Meyer and Jared Brenner? Have you heard of them? CRAWSHAW: I think so. They're characters in Tim's next book. GIBBS: The book someone is killing over. CRAWSHAW: Too bad you can't find them. GIBBS: I think we have. You wrote the letters. CRAWSHAW: What? Why would I? GIBBS: Todd gave you up. He said you told him to mail the letters back to the agency. CRAWSHAW: (BEAT) Well, I can explain. GIBBS: Well, I sure hope so. CRAWSHAW: I wrote the letters, but only to create a bigger buzz. Stalkers mean more press, more press means increased revenue. GIBBS: You made up a stalker to sell more books? CRAWSHAW: Yes, I did. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM TONY: She's lying. ZIVA: If she is, she's quite good. TONY: She publishes fictional novels for a living, Ziva. She knows how to tell a good story. MCGEE: I'm with Ziva. This woman lives to sell books. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM CRAWSHAW: Look, it may sound unorthodox, but I do one interview about those letters and Gemcity's book sales jump through the roof. GIBBS: I didn't think he needed the help. CRAWSHAW: There is no such thing as enough sales. What I did might be wrong, but there's no way I could ever kill anyone. GIBBS: Why should I believe you? CRAWSHAW: Those letters were a strategic business move. I would do anything to help my client sell more books. GIBBS: Anything? TONY: (V.O.) Well played, Boss. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT TONY: You'll get her in round two.(DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: There won't be a round two, Dinozzo. TONY: But she didn't break. GIBBS: I know. I was there. MCGEE: She didn't do it, did she? GIBBS: She's your publisher. You tell me. MCGEE: I think she's telling the truth. ABBY: That makes two of us. I compared Crawshaw's DNA to the mystery blood pulled off of Petty Officer Cove. She did not do it. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: I've read this a thousand times, and I've come up with nothing. ZIVA: Then maybe we should spitball ideas and see what sticks. (BEAT) What? Did I say it wrong? TONY: No, you got that right. MCGEE: No, that's good. So let's start with what we know. Campfire. TONY: Well, we know there's a killer on the loose. One down, two to go. And he's already killed number two. ZIVA: In your book, Cameron Meyer and Jared Brenner only have two things in common. MCGEE: They extorted money and both murdered a convenience store clerk. ZIVA: Maybe the killer was seeking revenge for the clerk's death. MCGEE: No. The clerk's a throw-away character. I didn't even bother to name him. Besides, the stalker letters are fake. So we don't even know that he's delusional. GIBBS: He murdered two characters in a work of fiction, McGee. MCGEE: Okay, so he's probably delusional. But that doesn't mean he's looking for revenge. TONY: You gotta have motive, Probie. MCGEE: Well, I am not convinced that the answer is in my book, Tony. ZIVA: Maybe the answer is in how he got the book. MCGEE: He definitely didn't get it from Crawshaw. She'd never do anything to jeopardize sales. GIBBS: It means he got it from you. MCGEE: Well, I keep everything locked up. GIBBS: It wasn't a question. It's you or Crawshaw. TONY: Trust your instincts, Tim. They're usually right. Take the lead on this one. All we can do is assist. MCGEE: Okay. From the beginning, page one. (MCGEE WALKS O.S.) TONY: I'd say we played that one nicely, Boss. The whole good guy, bad guy technique. GIBBS: Dinozzo. TONY: Yeah? GIBBS: Assist. (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS) TONY: Hold the elevator! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT TONY: Ooh. Ah! I am using muscles I didn't even know I had! No wonder you only got to chapter six. MCGEE: Chapter seven. (SFX: MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) MCGEE: It's jazz. Helps me clear my mind. GIBBS: No. Coletrane is jazz, McGee. This is a soundtrack to a bad seventies porno shot in the San Fernando Valley. MCGEE: I'm just trying to reenact every detail of my writing process here, okay? TONY: (LOUDLY) I'm sorry. Did you say something? My ears are bleeding and I can't... I can't... (MUSIC OUT) TONY: Thank you. MCGEE: I was trying to show you what I do when I get stuck. TONY: Blocked. MCGEE: Whatever. Up... come on. TONY: I'm in the middle! MCGEE: Up! Okay, sometimes when I'm in trouble, I take a few minutes to free-write. TONY: Free-write? MCGEE: Stream of consciousness. About my characters, my story arcs, my possible plot lines, everything. No filter. TONY: No filter. MCGEE: Whatever pops in my head goes right to the page. TONY: Ah. Write. Be free! Just do it. Free write! Be free. I get it. MCGEE: If I like it, I put it in my binder. If not... (SFX: PAPER SHREDDER) TONY: Do you always use your shredder? MCGEE: Always. TONY: Do you ever just take a stack of pages and toss it in the trash? MCGEE: Never. TONY: Did you ever misplace a binder, or lost a copy of a book? MCGEE: No, and no. The only way the killer got my book is if he broke into my apartment, made a copy, and returned the original. I am a Federal investigator, so I'm sure I would know if someone tried to break into my place. TONY: We're missing something. MCGEE: And while we're trying to figure it out, he is planning on how to kill his next victim. TONY: Or he's already killed them. Sorry. I was just... free-thinking. MCGEE: It's like he's here in the room with me, looking over my shoulder as I write. TONY: Type. Because technically, what you do is type. You don't really write. That would be ... MCGEE: I type. That's how he does it. TONY: Looked over your shoulder? MCGEE: I type. (LOUDLY) Tony, I type! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE OPEN) MCGEE: Boss, I got it! ZIVA: Film? MCGEE: It's from my typewriter. GIBBS: Typewriter ribbons. MCGEE: That's how the killer read my book. ZIVA: Well, where did he get the ribbons? TONY: Trash. Killer must have picked them out of McGee's dumpster. MCGEE: That means he had access to all my notes and my ideas. ZIVA: Which means the murders may not be based on just the book. MCGEE: All these pages are a product of my free-writing. ZIVA: (WHISPERS) Free-writing? TONY: I'll explain it later. MCGEE: One of my many possible endings involves Cameron Meyer and Jerrod Brenner killing me - Agent McGregor. It's a character I based on myself. ZIVA: If the killer is confusing fiction with reality, then you've got a motive. GIBBS: He's protecting you. TONY: He's already killed two of the characters. Who's the third? MCGEE: I haven't decided yet. But Meyer and Brenner are the only characters that wanted me - McGregor dead. TONY: They why does he think there are three? MCGEE: I don't know. I decided it'd be stupid to kill McGregor. Everyone likes him too much. ZIVA: Well, not everyone. (READS) "Forensic Specialist Amy Sutton offered her heart to Agent McGregor only to be rejected. Using sign language, she tells her deaf mother that she can't live without him. He's going to have to go." MCGEE: Yeah, "go" as in leave the agency. Not "go" as in "go." GIBBS: Does the killer know that? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - NIGHT GIBBS: Abby! ZIVA: She's not answering her cell. GIBBS: Security detail? TONY: Shift change; they just arrived on duty outside her apartment. MCGEE: She's gone. ZIVA: She's not answering her home phone either, Gibbs. GIBBS: Send them in. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Secure the apartment! MCGEE: No, she's not there. Uh... her apartment's flooded. She's staying with Sister Rosita and the girls. ZIVA: Sister Rosita? MCGEE: From her bowling team. TONY: The bowling nuns.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS CLOSE) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ROOM - NIGHT (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS/ VIBRATES) (SFX: ABBY GASPS) LANDON: Hi, Amy. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - NIGHT MCGEE: Still no answer. GIBBS: Call again, McGee. MCGEE: I can't believe I let this happen. ZIVA: Abby knows how to take care of herself, McGee. TONY: And she's got a crew of nuns watching her back. MCGEE: Nuns are on a spiritual retreat. She's on her own. (SFX: CAR ACCELERATES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROOM - NIGHT ABBY: Are you... here to see someone? Um... because the sisters - they're gone....for a minute. They went to the church and should be back anytime. LANDON: If you were smart, you would've just let him go, Amy. ABBY: My name's Abby. LANDON: I know rejection is hard. But let's face it, you're not good enough for him anyway. ABBY: Good enough for who? LANDON: Special Agent McGregor. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CAR - NIGHT (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH TO A STOP) GIBBS: You two take the back. McGee, you're with me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONVENT - NIGHT ABBY: I'm sure there's some sort of communication problem here. LANDON: Don't talk to me like I'm stupid! I know what you said. ABBY: That makes one of us. LANDON: How were you planning to do it, huh? ABBY: Do what? LANDON: Kill him. With poison? I bet with your forensic training, I'll bet you could come up with something pretty - I wouldn't do that. (SFX: KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE PLATE) LANDON: I will say, I've always respected your courage, Amy. TONY: (SHOUTS) Drop your weapon! ZIVA: (SHOUTS) He said drop it! Now! LANDON: Officer Lisa! Agent Tommy. I'm afraid I can't do that. You don't know it yet, but your partner's in danger! MCGEE: Landon? Landon, what are you doing? LANDON: I'm protecting you. ABBY: McGee, who is this guy? MCGEE: He's a friend. LANDON: Don't! I have to do this!! MCGEE: Landon, she's not going to hurt me. It's just a book. It's not-- GIBBS: Finished yet. Tell him the ending, Agent McGregor. Tell him what happens. MCGEE: It's not what you think, Landon. Amy and I ... Amy and I get married. LANDON: (LONG BEAT) You... you marry her? MCGEE: Yeah, I do. That means that if you kill her, you're killing the only woman I ever loved. Landon, I really do love her! It just took me a while to figure it out. (ALL MOVE TOWARD LANDON) LANDON: I was only trying to help. GIBBS: You killed two people. LANDON: I had no choice. They set a wedding date yet? TONY: Guest list is full, buddy. GIBBS: Are you okay, Abs? ABBY: Oh, with the amount of bad guys after me, I feel like I'm dating Spiderman. MCGEE: Abby, I am so sorry. ABBY: We need to talk. MCGEE: I know this is all my fault. ABBY: Agent McGregor cannot marry Amy in the end. McGee, they're all wrong for each other. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

During the murder investigation of a Petty Officer, McGee is unsettled when elements of the crime scene resemble the descriptions in his new novel, which is half-finished. The only person who had access to McGee's book, other than McGee himself, is his publisher. The killer promises two more kills and when the second body is found, McGee is pressured to determine who the killer plans to kill next.

fd_The_Office_03x19

fd_The_Office_03x19_0

Karen: So do you want to see it or not? Jim: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds... Karen: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic. Jim: Agoraphobic? Karen: Yeah. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. Jim: Absolutely correct. Kevin: Later, Jim. Jim: Kev, have a good weekend. Karen: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up. Jim: Here we go... Karen: ...and we're gonna go to dinner. Jim: Ok... Karen: And then we're gonna go to the movies. Jim: Sounds good. Roy: Hey Halpert! Jim: Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim] Pam: ROY! Karen: [shrieks] Pam: Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy] Roy: [screams in pain] Ahh God! Dwight: Pam, please call security! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No need for consternation, everything is under control. Jan: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office! Michael: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. Jan: [sigh] Is Toby there? Michael: No... Toby: I'm... here, Jan. Jan: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby? Toby: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. Jan: Thank God. Toby: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his... Michael: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. Jan: All right, well are you gonna take care of this? Michael: Yeppers. Jan: What did I tell you about "yeppers?" Michael: I don't... remember. Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? Michael: Yeesh... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you. Dwight: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded. Jim: Okay. Um... Got you something. Dwight: Don't want it. Jim: You don't know what it is. Dwight: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up. Kevin: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight. Oscar: It was crazy. Angela: You saw it? Describe it please. Oscar: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero. Angela: Oh... Oscar: It was insane! Angela: [flustered] Well... good for Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. Jim: Where'd you get that? Michael: Wikipedia. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise. Jim: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise. Michael: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish] Jim: I can't hear you. Michael: What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish] Jim: Still nothin'. Michael: Ok, see what I did? Jim: No. Michael: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. Jim: Nice. Michael: Ok, let's try another one. Um... Jim: Okay. Michael: Walking out of the room unexpectedly. Jim: And what happens in this one? Michael: It's a surprise. Jim: Okay. Michael: Go ahead, ask me for a raise. Jim: Can I have a raise? Michael: [gets up and begins to walk out of the room] Jim: [softly] s*x, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher. Michael: What? Jim: What? Michael: No, what did you say? Jim: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened. Michael: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. Toby: Which is where? Dwight: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end. Toby: Thanks Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. Ryan: I can't imagine what I would have done. Kelly: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed. Ryan: Well that was funny, that's why. Kelly: Oh it was? Ryan: Mm-hmm. Kelly: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night... Ryan: Okay. Kelly: ...and you call me, to calm you down... Ryan: You know what? I didn't--- Toby: Can you stop... Kelly: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not. Toby: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe... Ryan: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night... Toby: Guys... Kelly: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you! [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [knock on door] Yeah. Darryl: You ready for me? Michael: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. Darryl: Cool. Michael: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room. Darryl: Okay. Michael: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [long pause] I am declining to speak first. Darryl: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now. Michael: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now. Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Michael: What? Darryl: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants. Michael: No, this is a power suit. Darryl: That there's a woman's suit. Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again. Darryl: I'ma call Roy, man. Michael: Ohh... kay. Darryl: This is gonna make him feel better. Michael: All right. Darryl: This is too good. Michael: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? Pam: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit! Kevin: You're wearing a woman's suit? Michael: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Who makes it? Michael: Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery. Phyllis: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining? Michael: Okay. Phyllis: Did you see... Michael: Would you stop it, please? Jim: So, none of that tipped you off? Michael: It's European, OK? It's a European cut. Pam: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. Michael: No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam] Pam: [Laughing, covering her mouth] Michael: Italians don't wear pockets. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? Michael: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. Darryl: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. Michael: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes. Darryl: Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman? Karen: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. Stanley: You must have been scared out of your mind. Karen: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared. Angela: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story. Karen: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry. Angela: Mm-hmm. Karen: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. Angela: [flustered] Goodness. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. Darryl: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise. Michael: [mumbles jibberish] Darryl: What? I can't hear you. Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point. Darryl: I can't--- what, Mike? Are you--- Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Sorry I almost got you killed. Jim: Yeah, that was nuts. Pam: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right? Jim: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. Pam: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now. Jim: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday. Pam: Jim... I am really... sorry. Jim: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. Darryl: Why can't I just... tell you? Michael: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide--- slide it, yes. Darryl: There you go. Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious. Darryl: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want. Michael: I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much. Darryl: Come on, be for real Mike. Michael: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub. Darryl: [laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this? Michael: Plus perks, yes. Darryl: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs] Michael: Fourteen years. Darryl: Ho-ho! Michael: No, please, please... Darryl: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs] Michael: Ok, let's take 15, again. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something. Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer? Jim: Boy I--- Dwight: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. Karen: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. Jim: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do? Karen: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. Michael: Oh, thank you. Kevin: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So... Creed: Here's the $40 you gave me. Michael: I didn't give you $40. Creed: In a way you did. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up] Michael: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia. Darryl: What? Michael: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise. Darryl: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss. Michael: Well what am I supposed to do? Darryl: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son. Michael: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. Darryl: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have. Michael: [exhales] That's true. Darryl: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. Michael: You know what? I should. Darryl: Yeah, you should. Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time. Darryl: Fourteen years long. Michael: You know what? I deserve a bump. Darryl: Make it happen, cap'in. Michael: I am makin' it happen, sergeant. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter--- Angela: You're useless. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends? Michael: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. Jan: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five? Michael: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away. Jan: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present. Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. Jan: Da--- Darryl from the warehouse? Michael: Mm-hm. Jan: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself. Jan: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep... Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. Jan: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. Michael: [sighs] Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: You are so mean. Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about. Kelly: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid. Ryan: No, I said your idea was stupid. Michael: Toby, come on. Let's go. Toby: Where? Michael: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go. Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? Toby: Alright. Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane? Kelly: Oh, so I'm crazy now? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Comfortable, Mike? Michael: Yeah. Fine. Darryl: How about you, man. Comfortable? Toby: No. Michael: [imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way. Darryl: Thank you. Michael: Well... Darryl: I haven't been to New York in a long time. Michael: Mm, the Big Apple. Darryl: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there. Toby: How would we get home? Darryl: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place. Michael: Maybe I'll stay. Darryl: Mm, it's not that big. Michael: Well... Darryl: Busses, though. They get you home quick. Michael: [mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I... [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!" Angela: Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings] Kelly: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams... [SCENE_BREAK] Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you. Darryl: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. Michael: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me Michael: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: [to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions "Don't worry about it"] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something? Pam: I don't know. Roy: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly] Kevin: [as Roy is walking out] Jim--- Roy--- Look out! Jim: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay. Michael: Who's the boy toy? Jan: That's my new assistant. Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek? Jan: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant? Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers. Toby: Hi, Jan. Jan: Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First--- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear? Michael: Pippity poppity. Jan: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise. Michael: Six percent? After all we've been through? Jan: Oh, God. Michael: I got you... jade earrings. Jan: Michael--- Michael: No! Jan: Michael--- Michael: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more s*x. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? Toby: Just preparing for the deposition. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold s*x from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong. Pam: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. Roy: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then? Pam: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend. Roy: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy. Pam: No, there were a lot of reasons. Roy: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam. Pam: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What's this? Jim: What's what? Dwight: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute" Jim: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor. Dwight: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. Jim: [under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! Jan: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere. Michael: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere. Jan: Ok, Toby, how about if you... Toby: Sure. Jan: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: What's wrong with you? Michael: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I--- Jan: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15. Michael: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make--- Jan: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay? Michael: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise. Jan: No. But we can offer you 12. Michael: But you just said 15. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having s*x with Jan-- Jan: Michael! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: So you and Bob are looking at a historical house? Phyllis: Mm-hmm, near the river. Stanley: Mm, how many bedrooms? Phyllis: Four. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading. Dwight: Really? Angela: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. Dwight: Mm, good stuff. Angela: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together. Dwight: Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD! Dwight: No need to thank me. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono.

Roy enters the office and attempts to attack Jim, but Dwight's timely intervention with pepper spray saves Jim from injury. Roy is instantly fired, but later apologizes separately to both Jim and Pam and encourages the latter to pursue the former. Jim attempts to thank Dwight for saving him, but is frustrated when Dwight refuses to accept his thanks. Meanwhile, Michael and Darryl attempt to get a pay raise from Jan in New York.

fd_True_Blood_01x09

fd_True_Blood_01x09_0

Scene 1: Fangtasia - Longshadow, Eric, Pam, Bill, Sookie, Ginger Longshadow tries to strangle Sookie. Ginger is shouting. Pam: Ginger, enough. Eric: Thank you. Before Longshadow could bite Sookie, Bill kills him. Ginger screams and vomit. Eric: Humans. Honestly, Bill, I don't know what you see in them. Credit Scene 2: In the toilets of Fangtasia - Sookie Sookie cleans up. Scene 3: Fangtasia - Pam, Ginger, Eric, Bill Ginger is cleaning the floor. Ginger: How did I end up with you people? Jesus. Mother Mary in heaven. I'm so sorry, Mama. I'm so sorry. Eric: When Ginger is finished, glamour her for me. Pam: Are you sure? She's been glamoured one too many times already. Who knows how much of her is left. Eric: It's either that or turn her. You want her? Pam: Please, I'm not that desperate. Glamour it is. Eric: Excellent. (To Bill) Come. I'll buy you a Blood. Scene 4: Fangtasia, in Eric's office - Eric, Bill Eric gives a bottle of True Blood to Bill. Bill: Thank you. Eric: How do you stomach that stuff? Don't you find it metallic and vile? Bill: I don't think about it. It's sustenance, that's all. (Eric laughs) What? Eric: If you're their poster boy, the mainstreaming movement is in very deep trouble. Tru Blood. It keeps you alive, but it will bore you to death. Bill: Let's cut to the chase, shall we? Eric: You killed a vampire, Bill. For a human. What are we gonna do about this? Bill: What do you have un mind? Eric: I'll take the girl. Bill: No. You can have anyone. Why do you want her? Eric: Why do you want her? You're not in live with her, are you? Bill: Sookie must be protected. Eric: That sounds like an edict. But it couldn't be, because I would know about that. Admit it. You love her. Bill: If I hadn't done what I did, would you have let his disloyalty stand? Eric: Whatever I did to Longshadow, I would not have done in front of witnesses. Especially not vampire witnesses. Not smart, Bill. Not smart at all. Scene 5: In Jason's truck - Jason, Amy, Eddie Jason: All I'm saying is, Lafayette didn't have to kidnap him. And I'm pretty sure he left with some V. Amy: Hey. If you wanna make the same arrangement with Eddie Lafayette's done, have at it. This is just the only thing I could think of to get you blowing your first vampire. Jason: You done this before, haven't you? Amy: Done what? Jason: This. Kidnapping vampires. Jesus. I should have known something wasn't right the second you walked into my life carrying that big bag of crazy. Any woman with a purse that big's bound to have something in it I don't wanna know about. Amy: Jason. Baby, you're sweet, but you've gotta mellow out. She turns the radio on. Jason: The f*ck is this hippie music? Amy: Shh. Scene 6: In the toilet of Fangtasia - Sookie, Pam, Ginger Sookie continues to clean up. Pam arrives and gives her clothes. Pam: Put these on. Sookie: Oh, thank you, but I'm fine, really. I'm just gonna dry out my hair and be on my way. Pam: You're not going anywhere. Eric and your boyfriend aren't nearly done talking just yet. Sookie: Os Bill in some kind of trouble? Pam: That's for the boys to figure out. Right now, what you need to do is change out of your clothes. There's vampire in your cleavage. Sookie: Okay. Pam: Allow me. Pam removes the peace of vampire of Sookie's cleavage. Sookie: Thank you. Pam: I'm beginning to understand the fuss everyone's making over you. Ginger enters. Ginger: Oh, hey there, Pam. Oh, who's your new friend? Pam: Ginger, Sookie. Sookie, Ginger. Ginger: Nice to meet you, Sookie. Sookie: Right. Nice to meet you too. Ginger: Oh, you don't have to be so scared. They're really very nice here. Scene 7: At Jason's basement - Jason, Amy, Eddie Jason: You got him? Amy: Yeah. Tape the windows shut. Here. Clear this out. We gotta clear all this sh1t out. Jason: Lift his legs. Amy: Ready? Jason: How's this gonna go? Amy: Tie his arm there. (She finds an oxygen masque) What? Jason: I guess I got a little paranoid after 9/11. Amy: No, because after New York and D.C., terrorists were gonna come to Bon Temps. Jason: And I said I was paranoid. Amy: Get his feet. Eddie: What are you gonna do to me? Jason: Yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself. Amy: We're gonna drink from him. Jason: And then what? Eddie: Yeah? Jason (to Eddie): Dude, I got this. (To Amy) What's the plan? Amy: Jason, can you please try to live in the now with me. Jason angry: I do live on the now. In fact, I've gone entire months without thinking about sh1t. But the truth is, right now, the now kind of sucks. And if we both can't admit that, then we are 100 percent f******. Amy takes some blood from Eddie. Amy (showing the blood she took): Who wants the first taste? Jason: I ain't doing it. Not like this. Eddie (whispering): Thank you. Jason: I said, stop talking to me. Amy: Come with me, baby. Don't let your fear get in your way. Jason: Look, it ain't fear, all right? It's just... (low so that Eddie can't listen) He's looking me right in the eye. It ain't right. Look at him. Amy: Fine. I'll see you when I get back. Jason stops her before she can swallow some blood. Jason: Wait, wait, wait. Ain't you supposed to cut it with aspirin? Amy: No, there's no risk of clotting when the V's this fresh. She swallows the blood that is in the plug. Amy: My God. Jason: You look... really happy. Amy: Come on, baby. Come with me. She gives him the plug. Eddie (to Jason): Don't. Don't do it. Jason: I said, don't talk to me. He takes the plug and drinks the rest of the blood. Scene 8: At Miss Jeanette - Miss Jeanette, Tara Tara: What exactly did you do to my mama? Miss Jeanette: You were here. You saw it. Tara: Yeah, but I wanna know exactly how and why it worked. Cause I'm already taking a monster leap of faith even considering this demon crap. Miss Jeanette: Fine, then. It's like this. Your mind, your body... it's just a physical manifestation of your soul. And your soul is sick. Tara: My soul don't wanna get ripped off. Miss Jeanette: How's your mama doing? Tara: She's doing great. But she believes in sh1t like this. I don't. Miss Jeanette: If you don't believe, then why did you come all the way here tonight? Tara: How much it'll cost me? Miss Jeanette: Seven-ninety-nine, ninety-five. Tara (shocked): What? Miss Jeanette: Seven-ninety-nine, ninety-five. Cup of rum's on the house. Tara: Well, my mama paid less than half that. Miss Jeanette: What I do takes varying amounts of energy and involves varying amounts of risk. Now, what you got inside you is much more powerful than what your mama had. Much more dangerous too. Tara: I'm worse than her? I once found that woman on the ground, eating her own vomit because she didn't wanna waste the alcohol she lost bringing it all up. Miss Jeanette: Think about it. But not for too long. You can't afford to keep pushing people away. Your loneliness is spreading to your eyes. It's becoming a part of who you are. Tara: You're one hell of a saleswoman, aren't you? Miss Jeanette: Next time you're alone, stand in the mirror and count backwards from 10. If you can get all the way down to zero, then I'm wrong. But if you can't stand your own company for 10 seconds, how you gonna expect to do it for the rest of your life? Scene 9: In front of Sookie's house - Bill, Sookie Sookie and Bill are walking from his car to Sookie's house. Sookie: So you're not in any trouble? Bill: A simple slap on the wrist, that's all. Sookie: You swear? Pam made it sound like... Bill (interrupting her): Pam was turned almost a hundred years ago and yet somehow still behaves as though every day were Halloween. She's all drama and theatrics. I assure you, everything's gonna be fine. They enter Sookie's house. Sookie: I'm gonna take a shower. I still feel like there's blood all over me. She turns on the light and sees blood on the wall. Bill: Don't look up. Tina is on the ventilator, dead. Sookie (shouting): Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Scene 10: At Jason's - Jason, Amy, Eddie Jason and Amy are naked, kissing, under V. Amy: Wait, wait, wait. First, we have to thank the vampire for the gifts that he's bestowed upon us. (To Eddie) We are grateful... Eddie: F*** you. Amy: ... for your gift to us. (To Jason) Ignore him. Jason and Amy imagine their selves in a beautiful forest. They are swimming in the air, naked. Amy: Can you see it? Jason: Where are we? Amy: Nowhere. Everywhere. Together. Eddie look at them, and is crying blood. Scene 10: At Sookie's - Bill, Sookie They are on Sookie's bed. Bill: Aren't you tired? Sookie: Every time I close my eyes, I see her face. Bill: Your cat? Sookie: Gran. But now that you mention it, Tina's in there too. Bill: You do know that I'm not gonna let anything happen to you? That I am here for you to protect you. Sookie: And what if I don't wanna need to be protected? What if wanting to be protected makes me feel like the helpless little girls I used to be all over again? Bill: Sookie. All of the things that you need to be protected from, all of the trouble you're in, you're in because of me. So you needing to be protected has nothing to de with you or who you are. All of it is my fault. So why don't you just go to sleep and let me be the one to worry about it? Sookie: Bill, all the trouble I'm in, it's mine. I chose it. I chose it when I chose you. Bill: Yes, but... Sookie: Don't you think I wanna blame somebody else? But what I did to my Gran and now to poor Tina, it's my fault. And it's sweet of you to try to take it on for me, but if I let you, I'd be so mad at you, I'd never be able to look at you again. And right now your face is just about the only thing getting me by. So why don't you just leave it on me, okay? Bill: Very well. He kisses her. Sookie: Night, Bill. Bill: Night, Sookie. She closes her eyes and sees her Gran on the kitchen's ground, dead in her blood. She opens her eyes suddenly. Scene 11: At Jason's garden - Amy, Jason, Eddie Amy is in the garden, and someone is watching her. Someone: You're a f*cking dead woman. Amy (screaming, fainting to be scared): Oh, my God! Jason jumps and laughs. Amy (smiling): Honestly, you are like a little boy. Jason: Did I scare you? He takes off the oxygen mask and put it on his head, Jason (smiling): Yeah Amy: Come here, lie down. I wanna show you something. He lies down near her on a cover, near her, Jason: What are we looking at? Amy: The trees. But we're not just looking, we're listening too. Jason: Listening to the trees? Amy: Can you hear that? Jason: It's like the leaves are talking! Amy: They're laughing. Jason: Yeah, because they're ticklish. Amy: That's right. Jason: Amy? Amy: Yeah, baby. Jason: We still high? Amy: No, baby. Jason: Because I don't normally talk like this. Plus, I'm feeling kind of lightheaded too. Amy: You're talking like this because your mind is starting to open up. And you're lightheaded because you haven't eaten anything. So here. (She sits and gives him to eat) Have an almond, they're raw. He eats the almond. Jason: Oh, my God. These crazy good. Amy: We gotta change the way you eat. Raw foods. Nothing processed. Because the cleaner the body, the cleaner the soul, the cleaner the experience. Jason: Cleaner than last night? Amy: Much cleaner. They kiss. Eddie (shouting from the house): Amy! Amy: He'll stop. He'll stop. Eddie (shouting): Jason! Jason stops kissing Amy. Jason: Ain't you worried somebody's gonna hear him? Amy: You live in the middle of nowhere of the middle of nowhere. Jason: Yeah, I guess but... Amy (interrupting him): He isn't a person, Jason. Jason: Did I say he was? All I'm saying is... My truck, for example. It ain't a person either. But I still fill it with gas and give it oil from time to time. Amy: You're saying we should feed him now? Jason: Ain't he gonna die if we don't? Amy: Who cares? Jason: I just... I still think we should have a plan, that's all. Amy: I do have one. Jason: Oh, yeah? Amy: And here it is. Everything's gonna work out, because it has to. Jason: That ain't a plan. Amy: Because when I'm with you, what I feel... I've never felt that with anybody else ever before. And I'm a person that a lot of bad stuff has happened to in the past and so I deserve this. I love you. (Jason doesn't answer and drinks) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, why is it we all need to be loved but then when somebody finally says, "I love you", people just run scared. I love you, Jason Stackhouse, whether you like it or not. I'm not afraid to admit it. Jason: Know what? You're right. F**** it. I love you too. They kiss. Amy: Say it again. Jason: I love... Amy: Come on. Jason: You get it once, that's all. Scene 12: At Tara's house - Tara, Letti Mae, Sam Tara is in her bathroom, in front of the mirror. Tara: Ten, nine, eight, s... Letti Mae comes in. Tara (shouting): Don't you knock? What if I was doing something private? Letti Mae: I taught you that was a sin against God. If I walk in on you doing it, it's your problem. Tara: What do you want? Letti Mae: Sam Merlotte's here to see you. You ain't sleeping with him? Tara get out of the bathroom and goes in the entrance, her mother follows her. Tara: What makes you jump to that conclusion? Letti Mae: He brung flowers. Men only bring flowers if they already slept with you and looking again. That especially goes for white men, as black men are less prone to grovel. Tara opens the door. Tara: What do you want, Sam? Sam: To apologize for what I said that hurt your feelings and sort things out between you and me. Letti Mae: That's a load. It's s*x he wants. Tara: Mama. Tara goes out. Sam: She drinking again? Tara: No. That's her, stone-cold sober. Look, you should go. Sam: Why? Tara: Because I'm just too f*****-up for this. Sam: You're not even the most f*****-up person in this house, much less this town. Tara: What do you think this is between us? We were clear from the beginning it was just gonna be us f******. Sam: It's too late for that. Tara: What are you, a masochist? Sam: No, not at all. But I've spent my life running away from people or pinning my hopes on somebody I can't have. I'm done with that. Like it or not, you've reminded me that I'm a social animal. I'd rather deal with your f*****-up sh1t than be alone. Tara: Here's some f*****-up sh1t for you. Do you know that right now I have myself thinking I have a demon inside me? The only way to get it out is have some lady who lives in a bus in a swamp perform 800$ exorcism on me that there's no way in hell I can afford? Sam: Waw. Tara: Yeah. So go ahead. Now tell me you still want something more with me. Sam: Not if it's gonna be like this. But I'd like it if we could... Tara: Well, we can't, all right? Look, just go, okay? Get out of here and save us both a lot of misery. Sam: All right, I'll see you at work. She goes back home and he throws the flowers on the ground. Scene 13: At Merlotte's - Amy, Arlene, Sam Amy is looking at Arlene's ring. Amy: Oh, my God, it's beautiful. Arlene: I know, right? Amy: So you guys having an engagement party or what? They are at the bar now. Arlene (loud enough so that Sam could hear them): We'd like to, but I don't know where we'd throw it. You know, our place isn't big enough. Sam: You could have it here, if you like. Arlene: Oh, thanks. But I wouldn't wanna put you out. Sam: You wouldn't be. It'd be like any night, except I'd close the place to the public for you and your dearest. Arlene: Oh, wow, Sam, that would be amazing. Except I was thinking could we do it in the warehouse next door? Or even outside? Because if we did it in here, it'd feel like work, you know? Sam: You were thinking, huh? About the party I only just now offered to throw for you? Arlene: You are a spectacular man, Sam Merlotte. Sam: And you are one hell of a conniving suck-up when you need to be. I'll cover the catering and the band. The alcohol and all the other incidentals are on you and Rene. Arlene: Got it. And I may be conniving but I still mean it. You are gonna make some woman extremely happy one day. Sam: Maybe someday I'll meet a woman willing to take that chance with me. Sookie arrives, furious. Sam: Morning, Sookie. Sookie: Ain't nothing good about this morning. Scene 14: On the road, at Jason's job - Jason, Lafayette, Rene, Hoyt Jason is eating on his truck, listening to the trees. Hoyt and Lafayette are on another truck, eating. Lafayette: "Secret Sauce"? Who you f****** kidding? Since when is it right to call mayonnaise a f****** secret? Hoyt: I don't know. I kind of like it, though. Lafayette: You can like it all you want to. It's still mayonnaise. Jason (shouting to Rene): What are you thinking? Rene: Thinking f*cking roots should learn where to grow. Jason removes his helmet. Jason: What? Rene begins to dig the root with the chain saw. Jason: What? Rene. What? (He jumps from his truck and run to stop Rene) Hey! Hey! Rene! Jason make Rene fall. Rene (shouting): The f***, man? Hoyt and Lafayette run to them. Hoyt (shouting): Shut it down. Rene: Get the f*** off me. Lafayette pushes back Jason. Lafayette (to Jason): What the f*** is wrong with you? You got a screw to loose? Rene (shouting): You could've killed me. Jason: I'm sorry, I know, but it ain't just some root growing out of nowhere. It's connected to that tree. Everything we see, man, it's all connected. Rene: The f*** you talking about? You some kind of treehugger now? You gonna kill your buddy to save a tree? Lafayette (to Rene): Chill, son. Rene (shouting): I could give a f*** if you're sorry. I'm about to get married. There are people that count on me. Lafayette (to Rene): Okay, come on, let's get you cleaned up. Rene and Lafayette go. Jason: S***. Hoyt: Hey. Is everything all right, J? Jason: t, were you on the football team? Hoyt: No. Jason (taking him by the shirt): Were you on the football team? Hoyt: No, I wasn't. Jason put him down. Jason (shouting): Then you do not call me J. you got that? Hoyt pushes him. Hoyt: Yeah. Yeah. I'm... Yeah, I'm sorry. Hoyt goes. Jason: Goddamn it. Goddamn it. Scene 15: At Merlotte's - Andy, Sookie, Amy Sookie: What can I get for you today? Andy: Your boss around? Sookie: Tell him you're looking for him. What can I get you? Andy: Don't know, I haven't decided yet. Sookie sit in front of him. Sookie: Then while you make up your mind how about I tell you what you can get for me? I would love whoever's killing off my family's head on a platter. Think you could arrange that for me? Andy: I don't appreciate your tone, Miss Stackhouse. Sookie: I don't appreciate officers of the law enjoying casual lunches while there's a killer trying to hunt me. Did you know he got into my house again last night? Andy: He did? Sookie: Yes, and he killed my cat. Cut her head off and took it with him. Andy: Jesus. How come you didn't call the station? Sookie: All the station would've done is send you. You'd still be here acting as though you don't know what you're gonna order even though you always wind up having the cheeseburger. Amy: Hey there, detective Bellefleur, I'll take you order. Sookie: No, it's my table. Amy: I got it. Just take a break. It'll do you some good. Sookie leaves. Amy: What can I get for you? Andy: Go with the goddamn cheeseburger and fries. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 16: Outside the Merlotte's - Amy, Sookie Sookie is on a bench when Amy joins her. Amy: Hey, you. Listen, you all right? Sookie: Sometimes I wish I smoked, you know? So you could sneak outside without anybody knowing something's wrong with you. Amy: Okay. I'm really sorry about your cat. Sookie: Maybe I shouldn't have come in today. Amy: Yeah, I was gonna say, why did you? Sookie: I don't know. Maybe because lately it seems like if I called in sick every time somebody I loved got murdered I'd never make it in for a day of work. Amy: Don't you think Sam would understand? Sookie: I guess. But if I went home, what would you do? Amy: Me? What's it got to do with me? Amy seats near Sookie. Sookie: With Arlene doing nothing but showing off her ring you'd be the only one waiting tables. Amy: Yeah, she is gonna be a handful, that one. Sookie: Can you imagine what she was like the first time she got married? What about you? You ever been married? Amy: Is this the part where the sister asks what the girl's intentions are with her brother? Sookie: Because right now, I am all about protecting Jason. Amy: He misses you, Sookie. Sookie: Right. Amy: No, he does. I mean, between your grandma passing and then what happened afterwards with you... Sookie: He told you about that? Amy: He couldn't not. I mean, he's a mess about it. Sookie: Well, you wouldn't know it. Amy: Look, I know what you must think of him. And I get why you're mad at him, I do. But he loves you. You still got people around you who love you. And all I can hope is that maybe one day, I can be counted in among those people. Sookie: You are way too good for him. You know that, right? Amy: Of course I know that. I'm not stupid. Scene 17: At Jason's - Jason, Eddie Jason arrives home and turns on the tv. Tv Reverend Whitley: You can call me all the names you want, but I am confident in my position that when the day comes I meet my Maker, it is I would be allowed to pass through the gates into the glory of eternity. Tv animator: Thank you, reverend Whitley. Miss Flanagan, would you like to turn the conversation back to the Vampire Rights Amendment? Jason: Shut up, shut up. TV Nan Flanagan: After the massacre of three of our kind in Louisiana this week, I think the world should take notice of the fact that we have not retaliated. And we will not. Which leaves us with the question of exactly who is hunting whom out there in America tonight? TV animator: I applaud your rhetoric. That was very impressive. Eddie shouts form the basement. Jason (to Eddie): sh1t the f*** up! TV Reverend Whitley: But I warn my fellow citizens that her message is false. Jason goes sown in the basement. Eddie: Thank you. Thank you. Please, I... Jason (shouting): What is it? Eddie: I need you to move me. Too much pain. This chair, it's digging into my skin. Jason: Thought y'all couldn't feel pain. Eddie: When you don't drink your body... Your whole body aches more than anything I ever felt when I was alive. Please? Jason: Well, if I move you, will you shut up? Eddie: I promise. Jason: This better not be a trick. Eddie: It's not. Jason: And don't you f****** bite me. Eddie: I don't event have the energy. Just, please? Jason begins to move him. Jason: Jesus. For a vampire, you sure are a doughy f***. Eddie: I'm sorry. Aaaaah. Jason: There. That any better? Eddie: I think so, yeah. Jason: Yeah, good, because now I'm all f*****-up. Scene 18: Merlotte's - Tara, Sam Tara enters and takes her clothes and sees an envelope full of money. Tara: What the hell? Sam is at the bar. Tara arrives. Tara: I found an envelope full of cash in my cubby. Sam: Yeah? Tara: You know anything about it? Sam: We'll talk after work. Tara: Sam, you know I can't... Sam: I said, after work, all right? Anyone needs me, I'll be in my office. Scene 19: At Bill's house - Bill, Eric, Pam, Chow Bill plays golf at the wii. Wii voice: Yes, he's done it again. Another lovely shot. A hole in one. The doorbell rings. Bill turns off the wii and goes to open the door. It's Eric, Pam and Chow. Bill: Eric. Pam. Eric: Bill, Chow. Chow, Bill. They enter. Chow (to Bill): Nice to meet you Pam: Chow is Longshadoow's replacement. Bill: I take it by your being here, there was no way around it, then? Eric: I can't really say. Didn't exactly look into it. Bill (to Pam): Tell me, do you enjoy living halfway up his backside the way you do? Pam: Yes, it's nice. You should try it. Bill (to Eric): We're gonna have to stop by the bar where Sookie works first. She needs to know that I'll be gone. Don't forget how this started. She came to Fangtasia to help you. Eric: Fine. Go to the bar. Pam: Might be smart to check out the competition. Eric: Yes, indeed. Chow (to Bill): What's your game? Bill: Excuse me? Chow: You were playing Wii. What's your game? Bill: Golf. Chow: What's your best score on Pebble Beach? Bill: Seven under. Chow: Mine's 11 under. Bill (to Eric): I liked Longshadow better. Scene 20: At Jason's basement - Jason, Eddie Eddie: It still hurts? Jason (doing stretching): No, that went right away. I guess that's a perk of me doing V. But this... this stretching just feels so goddamn f****** good. Eddie: Another perk. Jason: Yeah. What's with the weight, dude? I thought all you vampires were supposed to be in shape. Eddie: We are what we were when we turned. I led a very sedentary life. Jason: What's sedentary? Eddie: Desk job. I was an accountant. Sat around a lot, ate a lot of junk food. Jason: Well, how's someone go from being an accountant to being a vampire? Eddie: It wasn't the straightest of lines. I always had this sense that it wasn't really my life I was leading. But I convinced myself it was the life I wanted. Then one day, about a year ago, I came home from work to find my wife crying like her whole family had just died. Turns out my son had had a fist fight at school. So one of the kids suggested to him that I might be a "f****** faggot". Jason: Well, kids are m******. Eddie: That's precisely the reaction my wife wanted me to have. And when I didn't... Jason (putting his shoes): What, she never even had a clue? Eddie: How could she, when even I didn't? Jason: I'm sorry. Eddie: Don't be. Comes a point is life when you realize everything you know about yourself, it's all just conditioning. It's the rare man who truly knows who he is. At least accomplished that. Jason: I guess it helps that you don't look all that gay. Most of the gays I've come across they look like... Eddie: You. You're what we're supposed to look like. Anyway, after she left me and took my kid I went to a gay bar, hit on a couple of men. Got laughed at. Or pitied. Then I saw this one guy. He was even less of a looker than me and he had beautiful young men all over him. Somebody told me he was a vampire. And I guess I just thought: "Well, that's for me." After that, it was just a matter of time before I found someone willing to turn me. Jason: That's crazy. Eddie: I told you it wasn't the straightest of lines. Jason: So how did it work out for you? With the guys and everything? Eddie: Well... you tell me. Scene 21: At Merlotte's - Sookie, client, Bill, Eric, Pam, Chow, Tara, Amy Sookie (taking an order): Okay. Bill enters the bar. Client: I'll have that on the side too. Sookie: Okay, coming right up. Sookie: Bill, what's going on? Eric: This place is even more depressing than I thought it'd be. Sookie (to Bill): What are they doing here? Bill: Give me a minute, then we'll talk. Where's Sam? Sookie: I don't know. Why? Tara: He's in his office. Bill (to Eric): Try to behave yourself. Eric: Don't I always? Scene 22: In Sam's office. Sam is in his office when Bill knocks at the door. Sam: Yeah? Bill: Bill Compton. I need a minute of your time, if that's all right. Sam: It's open. Bill and Chow enter. Sam: Who's this? Bill: His name's Chow. Sam: He need to be in my office too? Bill: Yes. I have very little time, so I'll be brief. I've been called away. And I need you to watch over Sookie, protect her when I'm gone. Sam: Well, that's just priceless. Bill: Don't expect her to be too keen on the idea. Sookie hates feeling like she doesn't have independence. Sam: I'm really starting to get fed up with you telling me who Sookie is. Bill: I know. And I also know how you feel about her, and I don't like it. But I'm asking you because you're the only one I can ask. You're the only person I know of who can protect her in my absence. Will you do it? Sam: Of course I will. But I'll be doing it for her, not for you. Bill: Thank you. Bill and Chow leave. Scene 23: At Merlotte's - Eric, Pam, Sookie, Bill Bill (to everyone): So simply present this card at the door when you get to Fangtasia (Pam distribute the card) and the first round is on me. Pam: Also, Thursdays are ladies nights, so be sure to bring a date. (To a client) That is, if you can get one. A friend of this client: She got you. A client: Thanks, ma'am. Eric: Not him. He doesn't get one. Client: What gives, bro? Eric comes near him. Eric: What'd you do to your arm there... bro? (Bill comes. To Bill) I take it your business here is done? Bill: I came to talk to Sookie. Eric: I'll give you three minutes. We have a tribunal to get to. Sookie: What? Bill: Come with me. He brings her outside. Eric: Oh, before I go, a word of advice: We know when a human has wronged us. We can smell it. So do not make the mistake of letting the pretty vampire lady on television make you feel too comfortable. We may not have retaliated... yet... but we know who you are. Have a nice night. Scene 24: Out of the Merlotte's - Sookie, Bill, Eric, Pam, Chow, Tara Bill (to Sookie): I have no choice, I have to go. Sookie: Why? Bill: Because I killed a vampire. Sookie: I know that, I was there, remember? He was gonna kill mw. You were defending me. Bill: if one of you killed another one of you defending one of us, there would be a tribunal. Sookie: I'll come with you then. Bill: No. Sookie: I can and I'm going to. I wanna testify for you. Bill: Damn it, you can't. You can't come. And you can't testify. You will not be welcomed there. Sookie: You lied to me. You said everything was gonna be okay but it's not, is it? Bill: I honestly don't know. Eric (a little far from them): Ticktock, Bill Sookie: Bill... Bill: Just look after yourself, all right? I've asked Sam to watch over you. Sookie: Wish you hadn't have done that. Bill: Be smart, Sookie, and just let him. There's still somebody out there who wants to kill you. Sookie: Fine. I will. Bill: Thank you. Eric: And time. Sookie and Bill kiss. Tara arrive and sees them from far. Pam: If I had any feelings, I'd have the chills right about now. Eric: Not me. (Loud) Bill. Now. They stop kissing, and Bill goes to Eric. Sookie is crying. The vampires leave. Sookie goes to Tara. Tara: You all right? Sookie: No. Tara: Look, I'm sorry about... Sookie: Tara, right now I din't remember what it is I'm supposed to be mad at you for so why don't we just forget it, okay? Tar: Hey, that's good to me. They hug. Scene 25: At Jason's basement - Jason, Eddie Jason: It was in the flood. Eddie: A flood? Oh, my. Jason: Yep. It was the sh1ts. But you gotta play the hand you're dealt, I guess. Eddie: And when you say you were living at your grandmother's I take it to mean your grandfather was already gone? I'm so sorry. Jason: Why? It wasn't your fault. Eddie: It's just that a boy needs a man in his life to teach him what it means to be a man. Jason: Yeah, whatever. Eddie: That's the hardest part of all this for me. My boy. He's got nothing but women around him now. He needs me. I'm not there. Jason: Well, I'm sure he'll be all right. I mean, look at me, huh? Don't you glimmer me. Amy warned me about that. Eddie: I'm too depleted to glamour you. That's something I haven't quite mastered yet, anyway. Jason: Really? You can't just do it? Eddie: Learning to be a vampire doesn't happen overnight any more than learning to be a man does. You gonna marry her? Jason: Who, Amy? I don't know. We haven't been together that long. But... just between you and me? I could really see her being the one. Eddie: She's not. Jason: What? Eddie: Don't do it. Don't marry her. Jason" None of your business. Eddie: She's a psychopath. Jason: Hey, f*** you, Eddie. Eddie: She is. She is fat more dangerous than I could ever be. Jason (shouting): That's enough. (Calmer) Look, I gotta go out and get some more beer. But while I'm gone, keep your f****** howling to a minimum. Jason leaves. Scene 26: At Merlotte's - Sam Tara Tara: Can we talk about it now? Sam: Sure. (She gives him the envelope) That's not talking about it. They go in Sam's office. Tara: I can't take it, Sam. I appreciate it, I do. But... Sam: You're keeping it. Tara: You can't tell me I'm keeping it. Sam: It's my money, so, yes, I can. Tara: You're a stubborn son of a b****. Sam: Well, that makes two of us. You really believe you have a demon in you? Tara: I think I got something inside me that is scared and pissed off and mean and Sam and Tara: F*****-up. Tara: Think it's stupid, don't you? Sam: Look, two years ago nobody even knew there was such a thing as vampires. Now we gotta deal with them every goddamn day. And who knows what else is out there? Tara: 800 bucks? That's a lot of money, Sam. Sam: Yeah, well people in this town drink a lot. Well I'm doing okay. She takes back the envelope. Tara: So I guess I'm having an exorcism. Sam: You're welcome. Tara: Oh, Sam. I don't know how to ever thank... He kisses her. Scene 27: At Merlotte's - Lafayette, Sookie, Amy, Sam, Tara Lafayette is cooking in the kitchen when Sookie comes in. Lafayette: Interesting night, huh, Sook? Sookie: Yeah, I guess. Maybe a little too interesting. Lafayette: S***, ain't no such a thing as too interesting, only too dull. Sookie leaves. Lafayette (to John): So, John, how big is your d***? Sookie sees Tara and Sam kissing in Sam's office. She goes back in the kitchen. Sookie: You know what? There is such a thing as too interesting. Sookie goes at the bar. Sookie (to Amy): Where's Arlene? Amy: Well, she just left. Sookie: Of course she did. I have to get out of here. Would you mind covering the rest of my side work for me? Amy: Sure, but is that really the best idea, you going home by yourself? Sookie: I'm not. I'm going to stay at Bill's. No one'll come looking for me there. Amy: Okay, then. Sookie: Thanks, I owe you one. Sookie leaves. Amy: No worries. Sookie leaves on her car. Sam goes to the bar. Sam: Oh, hey, Amy. Amy: Hey. Sam: Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for everything you've been doing. You're fitting in great around here. Really. Amy: Well. I should be the one thanking you. Lord knows I needed this job. But you are welcome. Sam: So where are the others? Amy: Arlene had to get back to her kids and Sookie took off a couple of minutes ago. Sam: What? Amy: Yeah, I tried to stop her, but... Sam: She say where she was headed? Amy: She was going to Bill's. Amy: Goddamn it, Sook. Sam leaves, running. Scene 28: Outside the Merlotte's - Sam, Andy Sam is running to his car. Andy: Hey there, Sam. Turns out that story you told me the other day about growing up in a nudist colony didn't exactly check out. We need to talk. Sam: Sure, just... You know, I forgot something in the bar, but I'll be right back. Okay? He goes back inside. The dog of Merlotte's passes in front of Andy. Andy: Hey, dog. Well, screw you too. Scene 29: At Bill's - Sookie, the dog Sookie arrives at Bill's. She sees the dog in front of her. Sookie: Oh, my God. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on people like that? What are you doing so far away from home? Why don't you come spend the night with me and I'll take you back to Merlotte's tomorrow, okay? Come on. It's night-night time. They enter Bill's house. Sookie: Come on. Come on. They are in Bill's room. Sookie: You know, if we're gonna be sleeping together we're gonna need a name to call you by. What do you think of "Dean"? Yeah, I like it too. Dean. Dean the dog. Look at you, looking away. What a gentleman. Here, would it make you more comfortable if I got under the covers? She goes under the covers. Sookie: Come on. Hop up in the bed with me. You can't sleep on the floor all night. You're gonna catch a draft. Now, hop up here. (The dog goes on the bed.) Good boy, Dean. Sweet dreams. She turns off the lights and sleeps. Scene 29: At Jason's - Jason, Eddie Jason arrives home. He goes down to the basement with Tru Blood bottles. Jason: Eddie? Eddie, wake up. Wake up. Here. Eddie: You brought me Tru Blood? Jason gives him to drink. Jason: Just drink. Scene 30: At Bill's - Sookie, Sam Sookie: Dean, you're on my feet. Dean. She opens her eyes and seats. Sookie: Sam? Sam is naked, on the bed, at Dean's place. They both scream.

Longshadow reaches for Sookie's neck and is about to bite, when Bill stakes him from behind, spraying Sookie with blood. Eric warns Bill that there will be consequences for killing a fellow vampire to save a human. Jason is clearly distressed about having kidnapped the vampire Eddie, but he and Amy take him back to Jason's house and chain him up in the basement anyway. The two immediately start using Eddie's blood to get high. Meanwhile, Tara is not entirely convinced she needs to have her demon exorcised. Miss Jeanette gives her a test: look at herself in the mirror and if she can count backwards to ten, she's wrong. Tara later tries it, but is interrupted by her mother. Tara later confesses to Sam that she might need an exorcism and he offers to pay for it. Sookie and Bill return from Fangtasia to discover that Sookie's cat has been murdered. At Merlotte's the next day, Sookie snaps at Andy for not having found the killer that is after her and Sookie finds some comfort in Amy, and the two start to bond. At home, Jason shows a small kindness to Eddie and the two get to talking about Eddie's past as a human and why he wanted to be a vampire. Eric, Pam and Chow, Longshadow's replacement, drop in on Bill and inform him that he must go before a vampire tribunal to be tried for his actions. The four of them drop by Merlotte's, where Bill asks Sam to watch over Sookie in his absence. Eric delivers a stern warning to the patrons of Merlotte's about becoming too comfortable around vampires. A warning delivered pointedly to Chuck, Wayne and Royce. After a tearful goodbye, Bill and Sookie part ways. Distraught, Sookie and Tara reconcile their broken friendship. But it seems short-lived when Sookie walks in on Sam and Tara making out, and runs out. A few minutes later, Sam goes after her, but is intercepted by Andy, who confronts him about lying about the naturist colony . Sam disappears into the bar, and a border collie runs out straight past Andy. Sookie goes to Bill's house, and the dog shows up there. Sookie decides to keep him with her, and names him Dean. Against Amy's wishes, Jason takes some TruBlood to Eddie. Sookie insists that Dean sleep on the bed with her, and she falls asleep. She stirs in the middle of the night and finds at the foot of the bed, not a dog but Sam, completely naked.

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: The university cafeteria. Raj: Okay in Avatar when they have s*x in Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk. Howard: Yeah, so? Raj: So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails. Howard: What's your point? Raj: My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I'd be very nervous around James Cameron. Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn't William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie? Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science. Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year? Leonard: Oh, I'm so glad you asked it like that. You. Sheldon: I won? Leonard: You won. Sheldon: I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It's not astonishing, more like inevitable. I'm not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I'm going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online. Raj: Well, good for him. Howard: Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost. Credits sequence Scene: The apartment. The guys are watching Avatar in 3D. All are wearing 3D glasses except Raj. Howard: Didn't it look like that spear was going to go right through your skull? Raj: No. Leonard: Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don't get glasses. Sheldon (phone rings): Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please. Howard: Uh, hang on, flaming arrow. Sheldon: Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don't want to forfeit the award? Well, you've got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem. Leonard: What? Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech. Howard: Well, no, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up. Raj: Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking. Sheldon: I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds. Leonard: What, to you, is a large crowd? Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children. Penny: Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, 'cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it. Sheldon: I'm not accepting the award. Penny: Why not? Howard: Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright. Penny: That's no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen's court. Sheldon: Thank you. Yeah, I'll bear that in mind if I'm ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize. Leonard: Sheldon, you're being ridiculous. Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story. Howard: Where's 70 children when you need 'em? Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours. Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks. Sheldon: I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it... oh, dear. (He faints.) Penny: Oh, my God. Leonard: Sheldon? Sheldon, are you okay? Sheldon: Don't trample me. Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon is on the phone. Sheldon: Come on, Mother, you know why I can't accept the award. With all due respect, I don't think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't need to start singing it. Yes, I'll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello. Leonard: Sit down, we want to talk to you. Sheldon: Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you? Penny: Just sit. Leonard: We think we can help you with your stage fright. Sheldon: Oh, I doubt that. I haven't figured out a way, and I'm much smarter than all of you. Penny: Yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together. Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, that is what I meant. Penny: Okay, your problem is, you're trying to do this all by yourself. Leonard: We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men. Sheldon: I do like the X-Men. Penny: Did I see X-Men? Leonard: Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it. Penny: Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon? Sheldon: I don't know. If you're my X-Men, what are your powers? Penny: Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence. Sheldon: That's not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard? Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety. Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind? Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently. Howard: Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don't know, some Indian meditation crap. Sheldon: I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you're saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me. Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that's 24-7, buddy. Sheldon: And I appreciate the pretence. Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men? Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men. Howard: Oh, that's not a good name. Scene: The apartment. Raj is lighting candles. Indian music is playing. Raj: Okay, Sheldon. I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears. Sheldon: And yet, you can't speak to women. Raj: True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes. Sheldon: Okay, but don't punch me. Raj: What? Sheldon: When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you'll get a surprise, and then she'd punch me. Raj: I'm not going to punch you. Sheldon: That's what my sister used to say. Raj: Do you want to do this or not? Sheldon: I'm sorry. Proceed. Raj: All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that? Sheldon: Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis. Raj: Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis. Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons? Raj: Whatever you like. Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation. Raj: Fine. You're in Sheldon Square. Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy. Raj: Then, put on a sweater. Sheldon: Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart. Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater. Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount. Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater! Sheldon: Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly. Raj: All right. You've paid for a sweater, and you're in Sheldon Square. Sheldon: Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no. Raj: What now? Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: A clothing store. Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people? Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life. Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt? Penny: Yeah, that's when I buy shoes. Now, let's see what we've got. Ooh! This is nice. Sheldon: It's only one colour. Penny: Yeah, so? Sheldon: That's a lot of money for only one colour. Penny: Fine. Why don't you pick out what you like. Sheldon: Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp. Penny: No, you're wrong. Sheldon (now in a sparkly green suit with rhinestones): This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner. Penny: Where the hell d'you find that? Sheldon: In the prom department. Penny: It's ridiculous. Sheldon: Says the former member of the Corn Queen's Court. Penny: Please just try this one on. Sheldon: Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: So, Sheldon, how you doing? Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph's. Leonard: I'm sorry, I'll start again. Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams? Leonard: Um, I don't know, maybe. Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal. Leonard: How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale? Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants. Leonard: Why don't we just talk? Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle. Leonard: Why don't I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don't feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that's what's happening here? Sheldon: Really, Leonard? You're just going to try to recycle Adler's doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph's. And she'd let me taste some pieces of cheese for free. Leonard: But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, "Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music." But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother's earlier "Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock 'n' Roll." I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back. Sheldon: And how did that make you feel? Leonard: Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown's aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout. Sheldon: Go on. Leonard: It wasn't my fault. I had never seen my brother's project. And my mother could've told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone. Sheldon: So, I hear you saying you're angry with your mother. Leonard: Damn right, I'm angry with my mother. For God's sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That's when the bed-wetting started again. Sheldon: Thank you, Leonard. Leonard: For what? Sheldon: If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony. Leonard: Wait, that's it? I thought we had a whole hour! Scene: The award ceremony. Leonard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year's Chancellor's award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I'd like to share with you a letter from Sheldon's mother, who couldn't be here tonight. Isn't that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She's proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That's what she calls him. Shelly, it's a pet name. You know what my mother's pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of... (continues as background noise) Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny: What's the matter? Sheldon: I'm getting dizzy. Raj: Don't worry. You're surrounded by your C-Men. Sheldon: I can't do this. I'm going to faint. Penny: Here, drink this. It'll relax you. Sheldon: Alcohol? I don't drink alcohol. Penny: Fine, faint. Sheldon: I don't feel different, this alcohol's defective. Penny: Here, see if this one works. Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn't hear me. If you'd like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I'd like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me. Sheldon: I'm ready. Leonard: Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon: Thanks, shorty,I'll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who's happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it's only 'cause I have no respect for the field. Let's get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? 'Cause we're scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what's the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium... Everybody! And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium... Just the Asians! And lanthanum and osmium, and astatine and radium... Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Penny, Leonard. Would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night? Penny: Sure. Sheldon: Question one, where are my pants? Leonard: You might want to check YouTube. Sheldon: What do I search? Leonard: It's already loaded. Just hit play. On-screen Sheldon: All right, people, let's get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body's in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over. Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this couldn't be any more humiliating. Leonard: Uh-uh, give it a minute. On-screen Sheldon: Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.

The characters try to help Sheldon overcome his fear of public speaking in time for him to accept a science award. He is still nervous until Penny gets him drunk, causing him to spiral on a meltdown on stage which quickly goes viral.

fd_The_O.C._03x01

fd_The_O.C._03x01_0

Opening scene - Hospital - the first thing we see is a black screen with the sound of a siren, and what sounds like a dispatch message. I cannot make out the actual words sorry. we see the hospital doors open and paramedics rushing a stretcher inside, there is a bright light so its difficult to see everything - all the talking in this scene is very echoey, and distant. it's very reflective of the situation. there are also a few voiceovers from 224, which I think were done great!) Paramedic: I got a gun shot wound exited the right clavicle, punctured an artery (we see a close up of Trey, and the other paramedic is holding a breathing thing over his mouth. a doctor comes down the corridor, putting a gown on) Dr: he still alive Paramedic: not for long V.O Ryan: how could you man...I would'a done anything for you (we see Trey kind of moving his head a little, then we see the ceiling of the hospital as if we are seeing what Trey is seeing. we then see Ryan & Marissa coming in through the hospital doors, they both look worried and scared) V.O Trey: look man, it was messed up, I was stoned (an officer comes into the shot and walks over to Ryan and Marissa as they are coming in) Officer: we've still got some more questions for you (Ryan walks passed the officer and over towards Trey) Ryan: I've jus gotta see if he's gonna be ok (we see Trey, still with the breathing thing over his mouth, being pushed away. there is another voice over here but its at the same time as the next line so I cant tell what it is, its possibly a scream/cry from Marissa) Marissa: (worried, to a nurse) he's not gonna die, right (behind Marissa we see Seth and Summer enter, they both look worried as well, and they are looking in the direction of Marissa/Ryan/Trey. behind them we can see the ambulance Trey came out of) V.O Ryan: it wasn't my idea Trey, I didn't wanna steal that car (we see another shot of Trey, which is a close up of his bloody face, and a little of his chest. here we see a bit of the hospital roof and light, but also blended into it is the scene where Trey pulled the gun on Ryan at his apartment in 224. its been done similar to how we saw the Ryan/Marissa 'who are you' scene during the Ryan/Lindsay car conversation of 208 . its a blink and you'll miss it deal :)) V.O Trey: hey man I went away for it an uh you got the good life V.O Ryan: so you had to destroy it, you had to hurt her, huh (the last thing we see is Trey pointing the gun at Ryan, then we see the hospital light again and Trey being rushed down the corridor. Ryan comes around the corner, behind Trey, the doctor and the paramedics) Ryan: hey, he's my brother, is he gonna be ok Dr: he'd be better if someone hadn't shot him (the Dr and paramedics move the stretcher closer to the bed, nurses are also there) Dr: he's lost alot of blood so (turns around and sees Ryan) Jesus what the hell happened'a you Ryan: (looks at Dr) nothing I'm fine Dr: (yells) could someone look at this kid (Ryan turns away from the Dr and everything goes blurry) Officer: just as soon as we're done talking to him (we see a close up of Ryan, and he has a noticeable bruise, and bloody nose, he also looks out of it. he looks away from the officer and back at Trey. we see Trey being moved over to the bed, then someone squeezing the breathing thing over his mouth. we then see Marissa and Summer standing together near the hospital doors, an officer is with them) Marissa: (yells) Ryan (Ryan turns to face Marissa, she puts her hand out to Ryan helplessly) Officer: (holding the gun) did you discharge this weapon man Marissa: (looks at officer, frustrated) yes I already t- Ryan: (yells urgently) don't answer him, don't say anything (the officer near Ryan looks over towards Marissa, shocked. Marissa looks at Ryan and shrugs. the background goes out of focus, Seth comes into the shot clearly on the right hand side) Seth: you ok (Ryan looks at him) Dr: we're losing him (Ryan turns towards where they are working on Trey. we see a very quick flashback of Trey and Ryan, then we see them still working on Trey, squeezing the breathing thing. Ryan looks away from Trey and back towards Seth, dazed. we see how Ryan is seeing, which is Seth as wavy, then squashed/ stretched) Seth: you alright (Ryan looks at Seth, blinking and breathing heavily. his vision is now bordering on blurry. we can see Marissa out of focus in the background still. Sandy comes through the hospital doors) Sandy: Ryan (Ryan looks at him, still blinking and dazed) Seth...you ok (Ryan is now seeing Sandy as short/fat, and wavy. we see Ryan looking at Sandy & Seth, growing more and more disoriented till he falls and passes out on the floor. we see what he is seeing as he falls, then we hear the thud and see Ryan on his stomach next to Treys bed. - we then abruptly cut to the pool house where Ryan has jolted himself awake. he blinks and slightly lifts his head, we can see a bit of sun on his cheek. he looks freaked out. he then lifts his head more and opens his eyes wider. he rubs his hand down his face, and sniffs. we then see Ryan sitting up on his elbow in bed, we can also see a silhouette at his door, and then we hear a knock. Seth opens the door and walks in, in true Seth style, lol) Seth: hey man, I jus wanted you ta know that uh (stops and looks at Ryan worried) you ok Ryan: (looks at Seth, then looks away and sighs) I just had the worst nightmare (raises eyebrows) Seth: yeah, I got some...bad news Ryan: it wasn't a dream (closes eyes) yeah, yeah I know (opens eyes) Seth: well that lawyer guys on his way over so... Ryan: (softly) thankyou (Seth turns and leaves. we see a close up of Ryan who looks worried) Cooper-Nichol veranda - we see an aerial shot of the pool, and Marissa and Summer sun-baking beside it. think 201. it then changes to a front on shot of them, but it's as if it's on top of the pool water, half way through Summers line it changes to a close up of them. Marissa has her head back, with sunglasses on Summer: you know Coop, if you had of asked what we'd be doing the weekend before senior year (thinks) I probably would've said a road trip to Rosarito or rush week at SU with college boys Marissa: an waiting to get charged with manslaughter Summer: (shakes head) wouldnt'a made the list (looks at Marissa) mm-mm...(reassuringly) your gonna get through this Coop (looks at Marissa with one eye open, one closed from the sun) your innocent you were saving Ryan's life Marissa: (lifts head) try explaining that to Ryan Summer: he understands why you did it he's not mad (shakes head) Marissa: its jus like this... weird horrible thing (lays head back) hanging over us...like the elephant in the room...or an intensive care unit Summer: (frowns) before Trey I never actually knew anyone in a coma (shakes head) well I mean on the valley there's someone in a coma (Marissa frowns) like every week but I think they only do that so that when the person wakes up another actor can play the part (nods, confidently) Marissa: (raises eyebrows) unfortunately if Trey wakes up he's still gonna be Trey...if he wakes up (looks down) Summer: you've got'to admit Coop (Marissa looks at her) whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour, god that is SO-FREAKING-HOT (Marissa doesn't say anything) ...in a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way Marissa: I really wish that helped me sleep at night Summer (puts head back) Summer: (frowns, concerned) you're still not sleeping Marissa: I shot someone Sum (Summer looks at her, then away) an even if he lives, which...is a big if, I'm still gonna have'to live with that for the rest of my life Summer: (nods) oh (puts head back & closes eyes) senior year Marissa: (scoffs) should be all time (half smiles) (we see the backs of the pool chairs and a shot of the house) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy pours a whole pot of coffee into a tall mug DDA: thaaanks a bunch, Sandy Sandy: if a pot'n a half isn't enough to get you through the morning (holds out mug) I can make some more DDA: that'd be great (drinks) (Sandy looks at the DA and then picks up the pot to refill it) Sandy: sorry for the mess, its ben a little hectic (looks over) Seth'll be right down DDA: (frowns) and Mr. Atwood Sandy: he's gettin' dressed, well the kids've ben through alot this summer with all this hangin over them, and now school is starting DDA: which is why the DA wants to get moving, we waited as long as we could for the other Mr. Atwood to wake up but I'm getting alotta calls from parents...DA's under alotta pressure ta prosecute (drinks) Sandy: except there's nothin ta prosecute, Marissa's protected under the defense of others (looks at DDA) of course your boss may not find that very sexy DDA: quite true...(looks at Sandy) DA's not lookin to go after Marissa Sandy: (looks at DDA, annoyed) Ryan's innocent...you got his statement at the scene an hers DDA: look at the record Ryan's got, his history of violence...an Caleb Nichols daughters the one blowin away ex cons with a forty five Sandy: (looks at DDA) she saved Ryan's life DDA: what was he doin over at Treys in the first place, his brother tried to rape his girlfriend (Sandy pours more coffee) we've got cause Sandy: yeah, an ya got witnesses DDA: well the only people who saw the gun go off were Mr. Atwood Miss Cooper an the other Mr. Atwood, who (raises eyebrows) may or may not wake up Sandy: (turns to face DDA) if you go after Ryan even if he's brought in on charges...social services could take him away from us DDA: which explains Miss Coopers motivation to cover for him (nods confidently) Mr. Atwood's got alot more to lose (Sandy glares at the DDA then turns back to the coffee) DDA: where is your wife anyway Sandy: (sighs) she's outta town CUT TO: Suriak Treatment Centre garden - we see a close up of Kirsten, as the scene goes on we see that she is in a group therapy session and Dr Woodruff is there leading it Kirsten: my name is Kirsten an I'm an alcoholic Group: hi Kirsten (we can now see they are all seated on chairs around the fountain) Dr W: Kirsten your progress here at Suriak has ben...truly wonderful to watch (nods) your a model patient for...everyone here (everyone looks towards Kirsten, however one patient near Kirsten looks more interested than the rest. a woman who is one person away from Kirsten, we find out later her name is Charlotte) Kirsten: (shy) well I don't know about that...I mean Shelley is definitely better at poker (Shelley looks worried) she's cleaned me out (everyone laughs) Kirsten: (smiles, looks down) but...being here has given me the clarity to understand...why I turned to alcohol in the first place Dr W: an...do you feel comfortable sharing with the group uh why that was Kirsten: uh sure...I mean we're all in this together...I uh (thinks) I guess it begins and ends with my dad (nods, frowns) he was (shakes head, closes eyes) an amazing man (shrugs) but controlling...and...I realised that I was living his life not mine (Dr W listens) after my mother died I did everything (Charlotte is listening intently) I could to please him (sighs) but I realised that no matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried- Charlotte: it was never enough (Kirsten looks at her) ...I'm sorry Kirsten: (suprised) uh, no (looks at Charlotte) no its true it was never enough, became my mantra (smiles) ...I was never a good enough wife or a mom (raises eyebrows) because I wasn't a good enough daughter Dr W: (points at Kirsten) the power that comes with that kind of difficult realisation, will be invaluable after you leave us Kirsten: are you trying'to get rid'a me (smiles) (everyone laughs) Dr W: well, it sounds to me like uh Suriak's work is done (Kirsten smiles, then looks unsure) you'll need ta get a sponsor...an attend meetings...but there's no reason you can't do that from your home (Charlotte looks at Kirsten, as if she knows Kirsten isn't ready yet) Kirsten: great (forces a smile) CUT TO: Cohen dining room - Ryan is sitting on one side of the table with his hands clasped together in front of him, and the DDA is sitting opposite him. Sandy is standing at the end of the table, close by. this scene changes between Ryan and Seth, kind of a blend of their 2 depositions so you'll know who's it was depending on who is talking, Ryan or Seth DDA: Mr. Atwood (Ryan looks away) do you swear to tell the truth an nothing but the truth so help you god- Ryan: (fed up) I do (sighs) DDA: well then you won't mind if I record this deposition (slides recorder across the table) Seth: sure, record it, release it on ITunes, I hope it's a really big hit Sandy: (not amused) just answer the questions Ryan: (looks at Sandy) I've already answered all of these questions (looks at DDA) I have nothing new'to say (looks down) DDA: well your previous statement came at the hospital...it was traumatic its ben a couple'a months maybe you remember things differently now Seth: I remember everything exactly as I told you DDA: well then you can tell me again Ryan: ...I (leans forward) confronted Trey about what had happened and that's when he pulled the gun on me Seth: then we called Marissa to see if maybe she could stop Ryan Ryan: an that's when Marissa saved my life DDA: you mean, that's when Marissa shot Trey (Seth nods) an you witnessed the shooting Seth: well it was clear w- when we got there what had happened DDA: just answer the question Ryan: (yells, fed up) no I did not (calmer) I didn't- (raises eyebrows) an-an an I didn't shoot him (Sandy looks at DDA) DDA: young fingerprints are on the gun Ryan: yeah because I put the safety back on to make sure it didn't go off again (we see a close up of the recorder) Ryan: we-we (agitated, sighs) ...we weren't exactly thinking at the time DDA: so one final question, what were you afraid (frowns) was going to happen between Ryan an his brother...why were you trying to stop him (Seth doesn't say anything, Sandy looks down) DDA: you went to Treys that night to kill your brother (Ryan looks at him) didn't you Mr. Atwood (Ryan swallows and doesn't say anything. we see a close up of the recorder just as it stops recording) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Jimmy is setting the table and Julie is in front of him looking at herself in the reflection of a window Jimmy: (puts plate down) so what kind'a food d'you think prosecutors like Julie: (fixes hair) cause that's what's important here Jimmy (sighs, turns around) ok so (holds out hands) does this look like the outfit the mother of an innocent girl would wear Jimmy: yeah well at least somebody has their priorities in order... Julie: (sighs) I just hope Marissa listens to me, and our attorney, the last thing we need is her admitting ta the DA that she shot someone Jimmy: Jules (looks at Julie, confused) she already admitted it Julie: she wasn't in a right frame of mind when she spoke to the police...its not like she's a trained assassin Jimmy: uh-huh so-so (frowns) what's our story, Trey shot himself...in the back Julie: no, Jimmy, be reasonable Jimmy: she's not gonna lie an say Ryan did it, they already have her statement Julie: nobody believes her, they all think she's protecting him Jimmy: (looks at Julie) so you want Ryan to go away for this Julie: ...all I know is that before he moved to Newport our lives were alot more normal, stable Jimmy: (nods) uh-huh so it's his fault that I went bankrupt an nearly went to jail, an you married Caleb Nichol (raises eyebrows) only to watch him drown in a pool annnn Trey got shot (moves closer to Julie) Julie: (not amused) Jimmy, not everything I say is meant literally, I'm venting (faces Jimmy) look I wish none'a this ever happened but it did, an we have a chance to be a family again...I don't wanna lose that (Jimmy puts his hand on her shoulder) l w- put out some crudités' an the guda ill go see if Marissa's out of the shower (Julie goes inside and Jimmy turns around, looking worried) CUT TO: Pool House - Ryan comes out of the bathroom with a towel over his shoulder and Seth comes to the open doors from outside Seth: (calls out) hey, you decent (Ryan shuts the bathroom door) thought maybe you could...use a post-depo-dip Ryan: (holds up the towel) I just showered Seth: mmm a fair point, then we'll stay away from aquatic activity something land locked maybe Ryan: (thinks) I'm gonna visit Trey Seth: I was gonna go with a movie, this bein the time when Hollywood dumps their crappy would be blockbusters which we could mock (touches his chest) an thus feel better about ourselves Ryan: (ignoring Seth, stands) you got the keys (raises eyebrows) Seth: but (puts up finger) visiting your comatose brother in the I.C.U that's...also an excellent way ta relax an blow off steam so ill drive Ryan: awesome (Seth turns around and goes out the doors. Ryan is behind him) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Jimmy, Julie, the DDA from earlier and Mr. Esbenshade are standing together near the table Julie: (holding jug) Mr. Caldwell, would you like some more lemonade (smiles) Mr. Esbenshade (Mr. Esbenshade shakes his head and mouths 'no thanks' at Julie) Julie: oh come on its ok for a prosecutor an defense attorney to have a glass of lemonade together (Mr. Esbenshade smiles) we're all human beings here Jimmy: (frowns) I'm not so sure about these guys (Julie turns around and looks at Jimmy. Marissa and Summer come out the door) DDA: Miss Cooper (Marissa and Summer reluctantly walk over, they both look unsure) DDA: I'm Deputy District Attorney Chris Caldwell ill be conducting this deposition Marissa: hi (looks down) uh where do you want us ta sit DDA: actually (looks at Summer) Miss Roberts cant be present (Marissa frowns) we wouldn't want you influencing her testimony Marissa: (confused) she (points) knows what you know which is the truth, which is what I already told you people DDA: Miss Roberts (raises eyebrows) if you could please wait inside (Summer doesn't know what to do. Marissa and Summer look at each other) Julie: Summer, we have HBO on demand, every season of s*x and The City, knock yourself out (Summer looks at Julie. Marissa looks down, sadly. the mean DDA guy from earlier takes out the recorder and puts it on the table) Summer: Mariss you'll be ok, I'm jus gonna wait inside Marissa: (to Julie & Jimmy) look I already told everybody everything, I don't wanna have'to go through this again (Jimmy looks down) talk about all of it in front of these strangers (points) Esbenshade: Marissa I need to remind you this deposition is binding, your testimony in court can't waver from what is said here Marissa: (frustrated) I already told the truth so what's the problem DDA: the problem, Miss Cooper, is that your testimony lacks credibility (Summer Marissa and Esbenshade look at him, Marissa looks down. Julie looks at Jimmy) DDA: Miss Roberts please wait inside (DDA, Marissa & Mr. Esbenshade go to sit at the table) Jimmy: come on Summer (Jimmy puts his hand on Summers back and leads her inside) DDA: now Miss Cooper, I'm going to have'to swear you in (Marissa turns to look at Summer, we see a close up of her face and she looks vulnerable. Summer looks at Marissa helplessly before going inside - i just have to say that you can really see how much Marissa/Summer need each other in this scene) Julie: it'll be ok Marissa (Marissa glances at Julie before looking down, upset) CUT TO: The I.C.U - as the camera pans across we see through the blinds that Ryan is sitting next to Treys bed, we can also hear some hospital announcements faintly. the shot changes and we can now see that Seth is also in the room, leaning against the door frame. Trey is still in a coma and Ryan is leaning forward staring at him Seth: I kinda like him this way he's a better listener (Ryan blinks and looks down) ...sorry, I get talkative around coma patients it's a (frowns) compensation thing, ill give you guys a minute Ryan: wait just uh (Ryan turns to Seth then back to Trey, he stands and leaves the room. the camera zooms in on Treys hand and after a few seconds his pinky finger very noticeably moves - out in the corridor Ryan and Seth are walking together) Ryan: sorry man (raises eyebrows) I don't even know why I came here (Seth listens) that night I wanted to kill him now id do anything to take it back Seth: well you can't blame yourself an you can't change what happened Ryan: yeah but I mean Trey could'a tried to make it work, living in town I mean I had my brother here (Ryan and Seth are now outside near the ambulance bay) Ryan: now everything's screwed up an he's the only family I got left Seth: (looks at Ryan) well that's not exactly true (Ryan realises and half smiles then looks down. back in Treys room we see the monitor that he's hooked up to, that goes out of focus and Treys head comes into focus, his eyes suddenly open and look around) CUT TO: Cohen living room - on the TV we see a video game of baseball being played. half way through Seth's lines we see that Ryan and Seth are sitting on the couch together Seth: ok I jus have'to say that I still support the recent decision (Ryan looks at him) (swallows) in the wake of all the violence we've experienced to ban any games with ninjas or guns (frowns) Ryan: yeah, but? Seth: weeell it's just I don't understand any of the rules to this..."baseball" they call it Ryan: (looks at Seth) you mean America's pastime Seth: (looks at Ryan, unsure) eah, feels like more of a fad to me buddy I don't really see it catchin on Ryan: (nods) sure (frowns) hey you called Marissa an Summer right (phone rings. Seth gets up to answer it) Seth: they're with the dark lords son or whatever the DA's name is, did that guy blink once during your deposition...he didn't even have eyelids (answers phone) hello...oh I'm sorry he's not in right now can I take a message...ok thankyou (hangs up) (Seth looks over at Ryan, Ryan looks at Seth) Seth: that was the hospital Trey woke up (Ryan looks at Seth, stunned) CUT TO: Suriak T.C - Kirsten is sitting out the front by herself. Charlotte goes over to her Charlotte: Kirsten, right (holds hand out) hi I'm Charlotte Morgan, I'm so sorry about interrupting you in group Kirsten: (shakes hand) oooh no no that's ok (smiles) Charlotte: (sits next to Kirsten) when I heard you talking it was like you were describing my life...the rich dominating father the high pressure...nothing was (raises eyebrows) ever good enough Kirsten: eah I'm jus glad I didn't bore you (laughs) Charlotte: no it was amazing, I mean to hear someone on the same journey as me...well, obviously your a little further along (smiles) I couldnt've ever admitted all that (Kirsten raises her eyebrows then looks down) your so brave an honest Kirsten: I don't know about that but thankyou (smiles, nods) Charlotte: d'you wanna maybe get coffee sometime, we can...talk trash about our dads Kirsten: (suprised) sure id love to (smiles) (we hear the sound of a car horn) Charlotte: ok (smiles) (we see Sandy pull up in a gorgeous black Lexus) Kirsten: ahh, that's my husband (Sandy has a huge smile on his face, Kirsten looks just as excited as he does! aww) Charlotte: oh well, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time (smiles) goodbye Kirsten: bye (Charlotte walks off as Sandy gets out of the car. Kirsten goes over to him. Sandy has a HUGE smile on his face, and giggles) Kirsten: (touches Sandy shoulders) look at you (Sandy puts his hands on Kirsten's back, gently holding her. they look at each other then kiss! we see Charlotte watching them with a weird look on her face. we then see Kirsten and Sandy again, they are now in an adorable hug. Sandy has his head buried in Kirsten's neck then they pull apart. Charlotte is still watching, after a few seconds she leaves. the next thing we see is Sandy and Kirsten walking together near the fountain. Sandy is holding Kirsten's hand in his, and has his other hand on top. Kirsten puts her head on his shoulder. awww) Kirsten: (trying not to laugh) so it exploded all over the kitchen Sandy: ahh the microwave mostly Kirsten: an entire jar of peanut butter Sandy: oh we were tryin'a make peanut butter cookies as a suprise for you (Kirsten smiles) (frowns) it seemed like such a good idea at the time Kirsten: well it's a well known science factoid that metal plus heat equals... Sandy: peanut butter everywhere (Kirsten smiles) these are just a few'a the lessons we three struggling handsome bachelors are learnin every week (laughs) Kirsten: oh, sounds like you have a reality series here (smiles adoringly) Sandy: no, I hope it's not a reality for too long (looks at Kirsten adoringly) (Kirsten doesn't say anything) Sandy: (looks down) so...you should be comin home any day now right (Kirsten looks at Sandy) just give me a heads up so I can make sure the house is liveable (nods) Kirsten: (thrown) yeah I-I just have'to sit down with (shrugs) Dr Woodruff soon an-an see what's going on (nods) see if I'm eligible (raises eyebrows) (Sandy looks at Kirsten. his cell phone rings) Sandy: (looks at phone) oh (answers) hey Seth, I'm here with mom (Kirsten smiles) huh...well thanks for calling...ill see you when I get back at the house (hangs up) Kirsten: is everything ok Sandy: yeah, he says hi, that he misses you Kirsten: mm-hmm Sandy: I better get going (Kirsten nods) get back ta work (Sandy kisses Kirsten hard on the mouth, and holds her face in his hands. aww. they smile at each other) Sandy: jus let me know what the doctor says Kirsten: (nods, softly) ok Sandy: alright (Sandy takes Kirsten's hands in his and then let's go as he starts to leave. Kirsten watches him go. she sighs heavily and looks worried) CUT TO: The Beach - we see Marissa sitting by herself staring out towards the water. we then see a car pull up. Marissa looks over and we see Ryan get out. Marissa stands, and Ryan walks over to her Marissa: hey, so what's going on Ryan: ...Treys awake Marissa: oh my god (Ryan moves closer and looks down) when did he... Ryan: couldnt've ben to long I just saw him Marissa: (suprised, raises eyebrows) you saw him Ryan: yeah I...ben up there a couple times, y'know Marissa: (shrugs) I didn't know, hey I would've gone with you Ryan: no, no you shouldn't have'to see him ever again, I don't have the same choice Marissa: (slightly nods) ...well I mean I guess now that he's awake he can tell the lawyers what really happened (frowns) I mean Trey got us inta this mess hopefully he can get us out Ryan: yeah, our futures in Treys hands (Marissa doesn't say anything) come on (motions) Seth an Summer are at the diner (Ryan walks back over to the car and Marissa follows him. they both get in) CUT TO: Newport Group - Julie, Jimmy, and alot of other people sorting through things are in there, including Jeff Frankel Julie: (impatient) what'do you mean it's gonna take two months, Caleb wrote a will just read it already Jeff: (puts hand up) it's much more difficult than that Mrs. Cooper-Nichol a-as you can see (Jimmy looks around) there's uh alotta paperwork uh a number of different offshore accounts we haven't yet found Julie: ok, well you just take your sweet time Mr. Frankel but understand this, we are paying a very high price defense attorney to protect our daughter an right now the metres running Jeff: I wish I could help Julie: (sits next to Jeff) I'm a grieving widow (Jeff looks at Jimmy, unconvinced, lol) Jeff: clearly Julie: you've seen the will haven't you Jeff (sexy smile) why don't you just...tell us what's in it annn it'll be our little secret Jeff: I can't do that Jimmy: (to Julie) it's our attorney Julie (answers phone) Julie: lets play hot/cold (raises eyebrows) hm (Jeff looks at her) two million...seven million...I have at least three million coming from my pre-nup (Jeff blinks) you blinked! does one blink mean yes (points) Jimmy: (to Julie) Julie, the hospital called Julie: (looks at Jimmy) what, what'did they say CUT TO: The Diner - we see a plate of food being set down in front of someone. the camera pans and we see that Summer, Seth, Marissa and Ryan are near by in a booth. Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him and then at Seth and Summer, almost sadly. Summer and Seth are watching both of them across the table Summer: ok (claps hands) I have an idea Seth: (looks at Summer) are you gonna save Chrismukkah again cause I really enjoyed that last time (Summer glares at Seth, not amused. Seth closes his mouth tightly) Summer: we need to have some fun (raises eyebrows) Marissa: (looks at Summer unenthusiastically) fun (raises eyebrows) (Ryan looks at Summer) Summer: yeah, look we cant control the future right so how do we deal (Seth frowns) I mean we could do what my step-mother does an take lots of pain killers to numb ourselves from the reality that life is (frowns) well random, unfair an ultimately meaningless Seth: (looks at Summer) there's another option right Summer: or we can accept the fact that we cant worry about what we cant control an just enjoy the time that we have, Treys awake an...school is starting soon (Marissa looks at Ryan) who knows what's ta come, right...so this might be our last chance to have fun Seth: I like...plan B (Marissa smiles) Ryan: so what'do we do Marissa: ...well I have an idea (raises eyebrows) but id have'to ask my dad first (Summer and Seth look at Marissa, curious) CUT TO: The Ocean - we see a beautiful shot of the water and in the distance is a sail boat, as the camera zooms in closer and changes angles we can see Marissa and Ryan are sitting near the front talking/laughing. the shot goes across the front of Ryan and Marissa and then we can see that Seth and Summer are sitting together near the steering wheel. the shot changes again and we see the boat from above. then we see Ryan and Marissa again, still sitting together laughing/talking. they look so cute! we see Seth and Summer again, and we can also see a row boat sitting on the back. we can now see that its Jimmy's sail boat 'Slow Dance' [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: A Secluded Beach - we see the sail boat in the distance out in the water. the row boat is sitting on the sand and further off to the left is Seth and Summer Summer: Mr. Coopers got a nice boat huh Seth: yeah (picks up sticks) its amazing what laundered money can buy Summer: you know Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel an the wind blowing through your hair (looks at Seth, nods) you actually looked kinda hot Seth: let me guess Summer you have a (shrugs, amused) weakness for seamen (smiles) Summer: (screws up her face) ewww Cohen, an then there's that (walks away) Seth: nah, aww (follows Summer) (Marissa is sitting on some rocks by herself, looking out towards the ocean. Ryan goes over to her) Ryan: hey Marissa: (looks) hey (Ryan sits down next to Marissa) Ryan: ah...how ya doin, you ok Marissa: (looks at Ryan) yeah I guess...I mean I-I don't know to be honest (unsure) are we ok Ryan: yeah sure (shrugs) why wouldn't we be Marissa: cause since that night we haven't really talked about it (Ryan doesn't say anything. Seth and Summer walk over to them) Seth: hey, knock it off, listen, we gotta get our mind off everything...who wants to go fishing Summer: (laughs) yeah you guys do the hunting, we'll do the gathering Ryan: (stands) I like that idea but weeee-dont-have-any-bait Seth: ooh...hey wait no we have Summer (touches Summers arm) this little sardine Summer: nooo, you guys that's- (Marissa smiles, Ryan points at Summer mischieviously) Seth: I'm gonna throw a sardine, who wants to go fishing, come on (Summer squeals and runs down the beach. Seth goes after her, Ryan runs after them) Summer: no guys (the next bit is a montage with laughing & screaming. we see Ryan with Summer in his arms, and Seth and Marissa are either side of Ryan. then we see Summer kicking her legs, Seth holding onto them and Marissa touching Ryan's back, and they are near the water. the next thing we see is Marissa over Ryan's shoulder, and they are in the water ankle deep. Summer and Seth are standing near them. then we see them moving away from the tide. Seth has Summer over his shoulder and Ryan goes to pick Marissa up. then we see Ryan holding Marissa in his arms, Seth holding Summer over his shoulder and they are at the edge of the water. SO CUTE! next we see Ryan holding Seth long ways. he has one hand over both his legs and the other under his waist. Summer claps and they are laughing and having a good time! the next thing we see is a lifeguard tower. Marissa is leaning up against it and Ryan is standing in front of her, smiling. he slowly leans toward her and they kiss! awww Marissa has her hands on Ryan's shoulders. the shot changes and we see them still kissing, and the back of Ryan. we then see them all playing near the water again, it looks as though the sun is starting to go down. Ryan has both hands in the air like a monster and he goes after the girls. they both squeal and run away. the next thing we see is Seth holding a football, he throws it and Ryan goes to catch it but drops it in the water. then we see Summer and Seth sitting together by a fire in the sand. the sun is almost gone. they look so cute! we then see that they are roasting marshmallows on sticks together! Seth kisses Summer on the cheek and Summer smiles all cutesy. we then see Ryan and Marissa close up, kissing at the lifeguard tower like before. their heads slowly disappear out the bottom of the shot and all we see is the water. the next thing we see is the sun setting, with the lifeguard tower in the background. then we see the two couples sitting together near the fire. Marissa and Summer both have blankets over their shoulders) Marissa: well, if this is as good as it gets for a while Ryan: (smiles) eah, feels pretty good Summer: yeah (sarcastic) thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet Cohen Seth: my pleasure Ryan: (mocking Summer, very nasally tone) Cohen, I can't believe that you did that Cohen (smirks) (Marissa and Summer laugh. we see a shot of the backs of them. Ryan puts his arm around Marissa and their heads are touching. Summer rests her head on Seth's shoulder. awww, could they get more adorable!) CUT TO: The I.C.U - through the blinds we can see Trey in bed. the camera moves across to show a nurse in the nursing station. the nurse hears a noise and looks up. all we see is a dark corridor. the nurse looks down. we then see bright pink high heels walking towards the camera. we then see the shadow of a head in the bottom right hand corner, and the nurse still with her head down Julie: I'm looking for Trey Atwood Nurse: (stands) I'm sorry, visiting hours ended a while ago Julie: oh did I forget to introduce myself, I'm Julie Cooper-Nichol as in the Nichol wing of this hospital which we're both standing in Nurse: ...oh hello Mrs. Cooper-Nichol Julie: (smiles) my husband was very philanthropic, hospitals were his favourite charity, especially making sure nurses an orderlies were compensated for their hard work (looks at Nurse) I would hate ta see his passion fall by the wayside (the Nurse looks at Julie, Julie looks at the nurse. the next thing we see is Treys room. Trey opens his eyes and reels back, we then see what he is reacting to. Julie is standing beside his bed) Julie: hello Trey (smiles) I've ben wanting to talk to you (Trey looks at her) oh no no, no pleasantries...look at you...lying there all helpless (closes the blinds) unable to stop me from (picks up a pillow) doing whatever I wanted to (Trey looks at her) kind of like the night you tried to rape my daughter Trey: ...I'm sorry Julie: (clenches teeth) oh you should be you son of a bitch...which is why your gonna help me (Trey looks at her) in exchange I'm prepared to compensate you, how does twenty thousand dollars sound Trey: (laughs) what d- what...do you want Julie: three simple words, repeat after me Trey...Ryan-shot-me (Trey looks at her, reluctant) Trey (raises the pillow) Trey: (swallows) ...Ryan...shot... CUT TO: Cohen living room - the first thing we see is the TV, on the screen is the movie Teen Wolf. Seth is sitting on the couch in his PJ's with his feet on the coffee table. Ryan sits down next to him with a breakfast bowl Seth: ok so, I know Teen Wolf is not a realistic movie (puts hand on his mouth, thinking) Ryan: really goin out on a limb there but yeah (puts feet on the coffee table) Seth: well (frowns) I mean how does bein a werewolf make you a better basketball player Ryan: can't argue with that one (Sandy comes in) Sandy: hey fellas (Ryan & Seth look at him) you mind shuttin off the TV (points) (Seth turns the TV off and Ryan puts his bowl down) Sandy: Trey talked to the police this morning...an he confirmed their suspicion that it was you who shot him (Ryan looks at him, stunned) Seth: well that's a total lie (Ryan looks away) Sandy: now the DA's office gave me a heads up...there gonna be issuing a warrant for your arrest in a few hours, now we're gonna figure this thing out (Ryan looks down) but I need to know that you are telling me everything that happened (Ryan looks up at Sandy, Sandy looks at him) Ryan: (stands, tied of it all) what difference does it make (Ryan leaves the room upset. Sandy watches him) Seth: your gonna fix this right (looks at Sandy, hopeful) (Sandy watches Ryan go into the pool house and slam the door behind him) CUT TO: Cooper-Nichol veranda - Julie is carrying a bucket with champagne in it, Jimmy is with her Jimmy: a little early for champagne don't you think Julie: I'm making mimosa's, there breakfast appropriate besides we should celebrate Jimmy: (frowns) celebrate the fact that Marissa's boyfriend is...getting arrested Julie: no the fact that Marissa isn't (smiles & pours) Jimmy: you know Julie its just a little too convenient, Trey wakes up an immediately points the finger at Ryan Julie: well, sometimes, Jimmy, and I know you don't have that much experience with this but...things work out Jimmy: you know...even if Marissa was accused sh-she wouldn't go to jail Julie: she also wouldn't be going to college, forget what the law says about just cause an defense of others, how's it gonna look on her college application under extra curriculars, shoots blue collar thugs Jimmy: look I don't want Marissa to suffer either but Ryan- Julie: Ryan's (puts finger up) dye was cast long before he moved inta the Cohen pool house look (closes eyes) Jimmy lets just puts this to bed (Marissa comes out) we'll collect on Caleb's will an we'll go back to being a normal, happy, family! Marissa: hey what's for breakfast (sleepy) Jimmy: hey kiddo what're you doin up Marissa: I can't sleep Julie: oh, well, I have news (smiles) (Marissa looks at her) it's very good for us Jimmy: ...but just...not so good forrr Ryan (Marissa looks worried) CUT TO: Cohen house - we see a shot of the pool house. all the blinds are shut and you can't see in. we then see that Seth and Summer are standing inside at the glass doors looking out Seth: well we know he wants to be left alone Summer: we have'to do something, should we bring him a snack (looks at Seth) what'does Ryan eat Seth: dry cereal from the box an black coffee Summer: (nods) huh, well maybe we could like get him something like a gift Seth: sure moneys no object Summer: ok (nods) what'does Ryan like Seth: (frowns) hmm Summer: (looks at Seth) any favourite movies (Seth is thinking) hobbies...Cohen he's your best friend Seth: heeeey you've known him as long as me I don't hear you throwin out any gems (looks at Summer) (we see the pool house again) Summer: well we can't just leave him alone out there this is terrible Seth: I know...but nobody even knows what to say to him he's never ben arrested before (Summer looks at him) for attempted murder (sound of the door bell. Summer and Seth both look in the direction of the door. the next thing we see is Seth walking towards the door, Summer is following behind him, with her hands holding onto the waist of his jeans, aww. Seth opens the door and Marissa is standing there) Marissa: where is he (anxious) Seth: ahh he's not really seeing visitors right now (shuts the door) Summer: we're kinda giving him space (Marissa sighs and looks at them both like 'please' then heads out to the pool house) Seth: this should go well Summer: right behind you Coop CUT TO: The Pool House - the first thing we see is a green knapsack, and Ryan's hands putting stuff inside it. then we see Marissa, Seth and Summer in the doorway Marissa: hey (Ryan continues packing the knapsack which is sitting on his bed) Ryan: hey Seth: hoodie, wife-beater, leather jacket...that's the Ryan Atwood escapist ensemble Ryan: that's right, doesn't matter what I say no ones gonna believe me not anymore Seth: dude your not running away Ryan: yeah (looks at Seth, raises eyebrows) yeah I am Marissa: no (moves closer to Ryan) no your not (Ryan looks at her) your sailing (shrugs, matter of factly) an we're coming with you Seth: yes since apparently there's boats involved (Ryan frowns) which is my forte' (touches his chest) Summer: totally, we all go down together (Ryan looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at him and shrugs) Ryan: (raises eyebrows) thanks (zips up his knapsack) CUT TO: Suriak T.C garden - Kirsten and Charlotte are standing together making coffees Charlotte: oh so how was your visit with your husband (Kirsten looks at her, suprised) he excited your coming home Kirsten: yes he is Charlotte: didn't tell him your not ready yet huh (Kirsten looks at her) (raises eyebrows) ben there Kirsten: well...Dr Woodruff says I'm ready I must be ready (smiles) Charlotte: (scoffs) yeah except Dr Woodruff aint gonna be in your kitchen at three am when your rootin around the spice rack for anything with alcohol an start pounding vanilla extract (Kirsten looks stunned) Charlotte: (notices) oh god I'm-I'm (closes her eyes) I'm sorry Kirsten: is that what happened to you Charlotte: ...it was cough syrup (raises eyebrows) Kirsten: that's my biggest fear...that I'm not ready, an I'm not going back to my husband an my boys until I know...that ill never let them down again Charlotte: look can I give you some advice...it's not a race...take all the time you need (Kirsten walks away and Charlotte watches her) CUT TO: The Pool House - Sandy knocks on the door, when there's no answer he opens the door and goes in Sandy: hello...I'm back (Sandy stares at the empty pool house then turns around and faces the door, he looks around worried. we hear the sound of the door bell. we then see the front door, through the glass we can see a man. Sandy opens the door and we see that it is an officer with the warrant for Ryan's arrest in his hand. another office is behind him talking on a walkie talkie, and we can see their police car) Officer: we're lookin for Ryan Atwood (holds out the warrant) Sandy: your a little late I'm afraid CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Julie walks in and looks around, she then puts the phone up to her ear Julie: nope, she's not here either an she left for your house hours ago Sandy, you don't think they'd try anything do you (worried) (Jimmy comes to the doorway) Jimmy: what's goin on Julie: (hangs up) the cops are at Sandy's house the kids are gone we don't know where they went (Julie leaves the room and Jimmy looks as though he's thinking) CUT TO: The docks - it's dark but we can see Jimmy's boat and Ryan, Marissa, Seth & Summer climb on board Summer: you don't think your dad'll miss the boat Marissa: well he of all people'll understand...but we gotta hurry Seth: let's go Ryan: hey man how long is it to Catalina Seth: about four hours then from there we can go wherever you want, Mexico, Hawaii Ryan: hey look guys I gotta say, you can get in alotta trouble for this so you know if you wanna back out (Marissa turns on a light) Seth: are you kidding, this is a great excuse to skip school Marissa: uh its not forever it's just until we can get Trey to change his story (we hear the sound of sirens, and see about a half dozen police cars pull up and surround them. one of the cars shines a light on the boat and we see them looking at all the police cars. Marissa and Summer are both shielding their eyes from the bright light. we see a close up of Ryan's face, just staring into the light) CUT TO: The Police Station - we see Ryan being led by an officer. he is wearing that familiar blue jumpsuit :(. Sandy is waiting for him in a room, and the officer leads him in. Ryan looks at Sandy. Sandy stands up Sandy: glad to see the jumpsuit still fits (Sandy motions for Ryan to sit down) Sandy: well kid, for someone who's innocent you done a hell of a job to look guilty Ryan: glad to see you're here to make me feel better (smiles sarcastically, then looks down) Sandy: no I'm here to tell you the truth...as your lawyer an your guardian (Ryan looks at him) the only person who runs is somebody whose got somethin'a hide Ryan: or who has no choice (raises eyebrows) I see how these cops an lawyers look at me...my record, my family (Sandy looks at him) an you know I'm right Sandy: this isn't over...the arraignments set for tomorrow, we're gonna fight this (Ryan half laughs then looks down) Trey could still change his mind Ryan: yeah...how's that gonna happen (Ryan looks at Sandy vulnerably, he almost looks like he's going to cry! :( ) CUT TO: The Hospital - the camera pans up to show Marissa and Summer in the good old candy striper outfits. Seth is in between them pushing a cart down the corridor Marissa: I haven't worn this candy stripers outfit since, like the tenth grade (folds her arms) Summer: well maybe we should start volunteering again, it's good for charity Seth: not that I'm against you guys wearing these uniforms, cause I'm not but...doesn't this plan seem a little light hearted given the...nature of the predicament Summer: Cohen, your not even part of the plan, we're jus letting you push a cart Marissa: ok Sum you're on (Marissa, Summer and Seth walk around the corner to a nurse's station) Summer: (smiles) hey Denise, how are you Denise: Summer Roberts, I haven't seen you in years, where you ben Summer: oh I love helping sick people its just they kept making me sick (screws up face) so I've ben reassigned to gun shot victims because you cant catch one'a those (shakes her head) (Marissa and Seth smile, impressed) Denise: (laughs) well glad to have you back, who do you wanna see (the next thing we see is Trey in bed. staring ahead. there's a knock on the door) Trey: I don't wanna speak to anyone else (Marissa opens the door and goes in) Trey: hey, did you hear what I- (realises its Marissa) (Marissa looks at Trey and closes the door behind her. she seems cautious, almost scared. Trey scoffs. Marissa is still just standing there) Trey: did you uh (raises eyebrows) come'to finish the job Marissa: so you do remember it was me who shot you Trey: (looks away, swallows) I... I'm trying to protect you Marissa: protect me (moves closer) by blaming Ryan Trey: (looks at Marissa) I'm sorry Marissa...for...for everything...I (swallows) I jus didn't know how ta make it right (Marissa looks at him, sadly) an she offered me a way out Marissa: (confused) w- who did Trey: (looks at Marissa, frowns) ...your mom (Marissa looks stunned and rubs her head) Marissa: look...Trey (moves closer) ...if you wanna make it right (raises eyebrows) then there's only one thing for you to do (Trey and Marissa look at each other. Trey looks away) CUT TO: Newport Bay Yacht Club - Sandy's Lexus pulls up out the front. then we see him open the door and go inside. he stops and looks over to the bar. Jimmy is sitting at the bar by himself. Sandy walks over Sandy: hey Jimmy Jimmy: hey Sandy: thanks for meetin me (sits down) Jimmy: sure, sorry to hear about Ryan (Sandy sighs) just when you thought things couldn't get any worse Sandy: well that's what I wanted to talk to you about...I've ben tryin'a figure out why Trey would try to frame Ryan (looks at Jimmy) y'know I know the kids not gonna be sainted any time soon but (laughs) still...the only thing I can figure (looks at Jimmy) somebody paid him (Jimmy looks away) ...but who would sink that low (Jimmy sighs) ...only one name came to mind (Jimmy looks at him) ...an you didn't try to stop her Jimmy: look I f-I found out about it too late there's nothin-there's nothin I could do Sandy: c'mon Jimmy at some point you gotta do the right thing Jimmy: well you gotta understand what I'm dealing with, put yourself in my shoes Sandy: (looks at Jimmy) in your shoes (angry) I got a wife in rehab who doesn't wanna come home an a kid who's ben locked up for somethin he didn't do, I think your shoes are lookin pretty good right now Jimmy: look I- I get it I get it...I'm tryin'a protect my family too (raises eyebrows) Sandy: (nods) right, because family means so much to ya Jimmy: (frowns) what's that supposed'to mean Sandy: that means what're you doin back at Newport...Caleb dies boom suddenly you show up (Jimmy looks at Sandy, Sandy's cell phone rings and he takes it out and looks at it) Sandy: (answers) grand central station, hello...oookkkk (nods) thankyou (hangs up) wait'till Julie hears this (smiles) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - there is a basket of washing and Julie pulls out a piece of clothing from it that resembles Marissa's attempt at doing her and Alex's washing, lol Marissa walks in, she doesn't look happy Julie: hi sweetie...uh I'm still learning how to do the wash so whatever no longer fits we'll just send it to your sister (smiles) Marissa: I know what you did Julie: (looks at Marissa, clueless) what'do you mean (Marissa scoffs and takes an envelope out of her bag, she holds it out to Julie) Julie: (takes the piece of paper) what's this Marissa: a copy of Treys confession (Julie looks at her, stunned) saying that if I didn't shoot him he would've killed his brother...police have one too (Julie reads the confession) Julie: d'you know what you've done Marissa: (reassuringly) ...I'm not going to jail Julie: but where are you gonna go Marissa huh (Marissa looks at her) you know how small this town is, this will get out Marissa: what (shrugs) that I saved my boyfriends life Julie: (pointed) that you shot someone (Marissa looks at her) when there's a scandal no one cares about the details Marissa: all you care about is what people in Newport think of us (Julie looks at her) of you (moves closer) you know I don't need you to protect me (means it) I need you to stay outta my life (Marissa leaves the room. Julie just stands there) CUT TO: The police station - a man hands a clipboard thingo to Ryan to sign. he's back in his own clothes and his knapsack is sitting on the table next to the clipboard. he signs the piece of paper then walks over to the door, a man opens it for him. Sand

The Cohen, Atwood and Cooper family deal with Trey's shooting. Julie is determined to protect Marissa's future, even if it means destroying Ryan's. Kirsten meets another recovering alcoholic, while Sandy, Seth and Ryan deal with her absence at home.

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VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... Veronica pops her head around the door of Keith's new office in the sheriff's department in 315 "Papa's Cabin." Cut to the Mars residence and Veronica making dinner as Keith arrives home. VERONICA: So it's true what they say. There's a new sheriff in town? KEITH: Until the special election, anyway. Cut to Mac and Bronson on his doorstep in 310 "Show Me the Monkey." MAC: Do you like movies? BRONSON: Let's go. Cut to moments later as Mac surprises Bronson with a kiss. Cut to Veronica and Piz in the Food Court at Hearst College. PIZ: I know what I like. Why waste my time? VERONICA: Like, why bother with something not good just because it's something? Logan catches Veronica outside Tim's office in 315 "Papa's Cabin." LOGAN: You know, I was thinking of asking Parker out, and I wanted to make sure it was cool with you. She puts on a brave face. VERONICA: Of course. Thank you for asking. LOGAN: Sure. I know we're friends. Veronica nods. VERONICA: Yeah. Veronica points to Tim's office. VERONICA: See ya. And good luck. End previously. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Veronica is standing in a queue. She's pensive, playing with a strand of hair. There are three couples in front of her in the queue between her and the person at the front of it -- Logan. SERVER: What can I get you? LOGAN: Uh, coffee with cream. Logan looks back at Veronica. He turns back to the woman at the counter. LOGAN: Actually, could I get a couple of them? SERVER: Sure. She hands him the coffees. LOGAN: Thank you. Logan walks back to the end of the queue. LOGAN: Here. He slips one of the cups into her hand, almost surreptitiously. LOGAN: I hate to think of you under-decaffeinated. She smiles as she takes it. VERONICA: Danke. They walk away from the counter together. VERONICA: It's 8am. Shouldn't you be in a wet suit somewhere? He shrugs and grins. LOGAN: Early Poly Sci. VERONICA: And you're actually going? LOGAN: Yeah. I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colours. Veronica gasps exaggeratedly. VERONICA: A highlighter! LOGAN: Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down. How 'bout you? VERONICA: Uh, "Violence in Early Adolescence." LOGAN: Ah. Need me to autograph your textbook? VERONICA: Thanks, but... Veronica trails off and points to her coffee. VERONICA: So, what do I owe you for the cup of joe? LOGAN: Nah, just pay-it-forward. Logan hesitates briefly before hurrying on nonchalantly. LOGAN: Hey, by the way, I'm throwing a birthday party for Parker this weekend. I was studying up; I watched My Super Sweet 16. Which reminds me, you don't know where I can get a dozen eunuchs, do you? VERONICA: Not offhand. I could make some calls. Veronica fakes a laugh to keep up the mutually casual banter in which they are indulging. LOGAN: Hmm. Well, if you're not busy, I know she'd really like you to be there. We both would. Think about it. Logan walks away, leaving Veronica staring after him. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. The fish are swimming happily in the tank in Keith's office. Veronica finishes feeding them and walks back to Keith's desk. She checks some papers on which she is working. Footsteps sound in the outer office and an Arab woman, Sabirah Krimani, appears at the open door. SABIRAH: Is Mr. Mars in? VERONICA: No, sorry. We've shut down for a while. The woman is disappointed. VERONICA: You own Babylon Gardens, don't you? She nods. VERONICA: My dad and I get takeout there all the time. I went to high school with your daughter. Sabirah Krimani steps forward, disinterested in small talk. SABIRAH: Our restaurant was vandalised. Rocks through our window. They spray-painted "Terrorist" on our door. Is there someone who can help us? Veronica's eyes glint with determination and she smiles. VERONICA: I believe there is. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. The Break is a busy bar with loud music playing. The most prominent sign in the bar besides the one declaring the bars name is a notice declaring Thursday nights as "College Night." A young man is slumped at the bar counter. A hand pushes a pad of paper and a pen at him. MURPHY: Jimmy! The boy doesn't move. The bar owner, Mr. Murphy, slaps his arm to rouse him. MURPHY: Hey, your tab. Hey, come on. Jimmy lifts his head up. MURPHY: Sign it and hit the road. Jimmy grabs the pen and pad and signs it. He grabs the nearly empty glass of beer in front of him and drains it as he slides off the barstool. He pushes himself away from the bar as Murphy collects the pad. EXT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Jimmy staggers outside and crosses the road without looking. A car honks his horn, but Jimmy's slow and only action is to hold up his hands in front of his face. The screen whitens in the glare of headlights to the sound of the sickening thud as the car hits him. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - NIGHT. From inside the restaurant, Sabirah turns the sign on the door from "Come in, we're open" to "Sorry, we're closed." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Tomorrow I'll set the cameras. Tonight it's the old-fashioned stake-out. Veronica is in her car, parked opposite the restaurant on the other side of the street, watching the front of the building. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I took this case so I wouldn't have time to dwell on Parker's birthday party and now, here I am, sitting in a car with nothing but a whole lot of dwelling time on my hands. Veronica jumps slightly at the soft knock on the passenger side window made by the girl who has appeared at the side of the car. She looks over at the intruder and rolls down the window. The girl leans into the car. AMIRA: Veronica Mars? VERONICA: Amira. Long time, no see. AMIRA: Yeah. Like since my senior year, when you made my Pirate Points worth less. VERONICA: Wow. Good memory. The two girls share polite smiles. VERONICA: I heard you were at Hearst, but I haven't seen ya. AMIRA: Yeah, different circles, I guess. What are you doing out here? VERONICA: Your mom hired me to watch the place in case there are any more...incidents. Amira laughs in disbelief. AMIRA: My mom hired you? Veronica nods. VERONICA: Yep. AMIRA: Have a blast. Amira backs away from the car and Veronica closes the window with the touch of a button. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. The bar is now empty but for Murphy, who is cashing up, and Keith who approaches the bar counter. KEITH: I just got off the phone with County. The kid's never going to walk again. Any idea what a nineteen-year-old was doing drinking in here? MURPHY: His ID said he was twenty-one. KEITH: Yeah, I saw it. It also said he was six three, two twenty, and blond. Murphy shrugs helplessly in a "What you gonna do" way. Keith is unimpressed. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - NIGHT. The door of the restaurant bursts open and a man comes out, followed by Sabirah. This is Rashad, Sabirah's husband and Amira's father. He waves at Veronica in her car across the street, beckoning her. As Veronica opens the door to get out, he shouts to her. RASHAD: You can go home now. We will pay for the time that you put in. Veronica strides towards them.. RASHAD: But I can handle it myself. It was a mistake for my wife to hire you. SABIRAH: It was not a mistake. Veronica stands before them, a little uncomfortable as they argue. SABIRAH: You fall asleep out here in your car. You work too hard to be able to stay up all night. RASHAD: This is the Mars girl. Her father is the acting sheriff. Have you thought about Nasir? Besides, this is no job for a girl, a classmate of Amira's. Amira is also outside, watching the debate quietly. SABIRAH: What choice did I have? I knew you would react this way. Surprise. In the street, there's a loud shout and the sound of a fast-approaching engine. Veronica looks up and to her left to see a yellow pick-up truck bearing down on them. A couple of the occupants are standing in the back, aiming at them with sights that have lights on them. Operatic-like music swells. Shots are fired. A laser sight and a splurge of red appears on Rashad's chest as he staggers at the impact. Sabirah screams. Amira turns to run but is hit in the back. Veronica dives out of the way of the speeding vehicle, landing hard on the pavement. Veronica looks down at her coat. She's been hit by yellow paint. She glares at the departing truck. Opening credits. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - NIGHT. Now inside the restaurant, Veronica groans at the pain in her shoulder where she was hit by the paintball. Amira passes behind her, staring at her now-removed sweater in regret. AMIRA: Ack. Cashmere! Rashad is angry and pacing. RASHAD: Why is this happening? VERONICA: Not a great time to be Arab in America. RASHAD: Twenty years we've been in this country! Huh? He picks up a small flag from a set on the counter and waves it.. RASHAD: Twenty years, we've been Americans. I make Yankee Doodle Damn Dandee. He gestures wildly at a poster on the wall, under another American flag. It's an Uncle Sam poster with Rashad's face PhotoShopped in under the message "I want you for Babylon Garden's [sic]." RASHAD: And now this? VERONICA: The license plate was removed, but I caught a glimpse of a bumper sticker. It should be enough to go on. AMIRA: [sceptically] Really? Unless it was a "Hello, my name is..." sticker, how's that gonna do any good? VERONICA: The person who owns that pick-up has a child who's an honour student at Neptune Middle. Do you want me to track him down or not? Rashad looks over at his wife and daughter helplessly before looking back at Veronica. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the apartment. Keith is sitting at the kitchen counter reading a newspaper. KEITH: [with disgust] Look at these ads. Veronica shuts the door behind her and joins him at the counter. KEITH: "Two for Tuesday," "It's Raining Gin"... Keith is looking at a page of advertisements for bars. Genski's promises a "Suds 'n Study Sat" with Mexican bottles and draft pints at $2 together with a "Bucket 'O Beer Bonanza"! The Sand Bar uses George Washington's portrait to advertise its "Dollar Shots Night." KEITH: "Dollar Shots Night"... VERONICA: Let me change first. Man, you party hard. Veronica saunters off towards her room, ignorant or ignoring Keith's serious mood. KEITH: It's a college paper. Only a quarter of the students at Hearst are twenty-one. Veronica turns back to him and sags against the counter. VERONICA: [tiredly] I'm not sure where this rant is going. KEITH: A nineteen-year-old kid was drinking at a bar called The Break tonight with a gumball-level ID. He stumbled out and a car hit him. It looks like he'll never walk again. Keith returns his attention to the ads. KEITH: "Bucket 'O Beer Bonanza"... You have any idea if they're known for underage drinking? Veronica laughs. VERONICA: Famous for is more like it. It's nicknamed The Cake for how easy it is to get in but most of the campus area bars are pretty lax. Veronica clearly doesn't see this as any big deal but notes Keith glaring at her. VERONICA: From what I've heard, 'cause the only buckets I order come in original and extra crispy. She heads for her bedroom. Keith stares after her. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Deputy Sacks hands out sheets of paper to the other eleven deputies gathered in the main office. Keith is facing them, leaning back against the main counter. KEITH: I have it on good authority that The Break and other campus-area bars on the list you're receiving are knowingly serving underage students. I want surprise checks in every one of these bars tonight. Deputy Gills glances at the list. GILLS: Looks like my credit card statement. The deputies laugh and Keith smiles indulgently. SACKS: What's the priority level, Sheriff? KEITH: Well, obviously if you get a call, take it, but otherwise, I want these bars scared straight. The deputies start to break away, less than enthused. KEITH: Gentlemen. Jim Wilson was nineteen. I want this taken seriously. DEPUTY: Yes, sir. The other deputies mutter their acquiescence. Gills heads for Sacks to have a quiet word. GILLS: You used to work for him. Is he always like this? Sacks folds his arms and glances at Keith. SACKS: I wouldn't test him. Gills looks over at Keith himself before wandering away. INT - NEPTUNE MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY. A teacher holds her hand up in front of a class of boys and girls, aged about twelve. MRS. HILLS: We have a guest in honours homeroom today. Miss Mars is doing a survey about gun awareness for her college criminology course. Veronica is standing at the front of the class next to Mrs. Hills. She gives a little wave. MRS. HILLS: I trust you will give her your full attention as honour points are in effect. Mrs. Hills steps to the side of the room, leaving Veronica at the front of the class. One of the students raises his hand. Veronica points to him. RONALD: What does a criminologist do? VERONICA: Oh, grads usually go into work in law enforcement. I'm considering pursuing a career at the FBI. RONALD: [scoffing] You're a girl. MRS. HILLS: [sharply] Ronald. VERONICA: Actually, Ronald, did you know that on average, girls develop faster than boys and have higher levels of cognitive functioning, including math calculation, written language, and verbal fluency? Ronald isn't impressed and shrugs. RONALD: So? Veronica smiles and points towards him. VERONICA: Well put, Ronald. We need fireman, too. The students in the class, particularly the girls, chuckle appreciatively. VERONICA: We all know guns are dangerous, but I also study the dangers and implications of the impact of toy guns, like pellet guns, BB guns, or paintball guns. Raise your hand if you have a family member who owns a pellet or BB gun. A number of the students raise their hands. VERONICA: Now, how about paintball guns? Four students put their hand up. VERONICA: Okay, now, whose family has a big, yellow pick-up truck. Mrs Hills' smile disappears as she digests this. She looks over at Veronica quizzically. MRS. HILLS: Miss Mars? I'm sorry. I'm not sure I understand where this is going. Veronica ignores her until she gets a good look at the one child whose hand is in the air. The boy look Arabic. VERONICA: Yep. Me either. EXT - NEPTUNE STREET - DAY. A school bus drives off, having delivered the boy to a house outside of which stands the yellow pick-up truck. Veronica, pulled up on the other side of the road, watches him as he goes into the house. She pouts, confused. She grabs her stuff and exits the car, walking up the pathway to the house. She stops and looks around as if she's heard something but it's not until she starts moving again that we hear the distant sounds of the laughter of game-playing youths. VOICES: Oh, ho, ho, man! You got hit again! All right! Okay, okay, it's cool. Shoot-shoot! There you go! Yes! Yes! Veronica follows the sounds of voices to a structure at the side of the house. There's a warning sign on the door and a window at the top. She peers in. She sees two guys watching a third play a video game. On the wall next to the door, she sees paintball guns. Inside the room (which has another Danny Mo poster decorating the wall), there's a fourth boy also watching the stoned-out gameplayer. VOICES: Oh, God, what are you doing, man! Watch out for-! Ohhh. Intent on the game, they notice nothing until a splatter of paint hits the television screen. They react in shock, jumping up and turning around to face Veronica, now armed with a paintball gun. An Arabic-looking boy of around seventeen confronts her. BRETT: Yo, bitch, what up? Veronica responds by firing the gun. He jerks back as a splodge of neon green paint hits him square in the chest. VERONICA: Stings. I know, because you shot me last night. Brett has the grace to look abashed. VERONICA: I've got some bad news for you boys. I'm close with the local sheriff and he simply hates hate crimes. Self-hate in your case. Brett looks bemused. The stoned guy behind him has only just caught up with events. TOWELIE: Dude, she shot you. VERONICA: Keep up, Towlie. BRETT: Self-hate? What? VERONICA: Spray painting the front of Babylon Gardens? Ringing any bells? BRETT: What? Veronica parrots Jules in Pulp Fiction. VERONICA: Say what again, I dare ya. I double dare ya. BRETT: What? Veronica shoots him again, this time in the shoulder. He grabs the spot with a groan. BRETT: Ah, God! Someone wrote "terrorist" at Babylon Gardens? VERONICA: [a la Jules] Check out the big brain on Brett! I'll give you a hint. It was you. BRETT: We didn't do anything like that! Veronica lifts the gun and takes aim. BRETT: [desperately] I can prove it. Veronica lowers the gun. Cut to later. On the television screen are shots taken by a camera from the pick-up truck as the guys shoot random people in the streets. BRETT: Look! White people. On screen, a couple are targeted to the sound of whoops and hollars from the boys. BRETT: You see? Anyone's a target. VERONICA: So I'm straight. Your defence is that you shoot everyone, not just Arabs. Brett shrugs. Veronica's attention is caught by something she sees on screen. VERONICA: Is that Mr. Clemmons? On screen, it is indeed Van Clemmons, attacked by them as he walks towards his car. CLEMMONS: [on the video] Ow, ow, ow, ow. TOWELIE: Yeah, nailing Clemmons was sweet. The two boys behind him are smirking. They all jump when Towelie is hit in the chest by a paintball. He's so out of it that it takes a couple of beats before he even reacts to the pain. The other boys laugh. BRETT: Do I look like someone who would spray paint "terrorist" on a Middle Eastern restaurant? Veronica gives him a hard look before accepting this. She still has the paintball gun at the ready. VERONICA: Fine. Give me the DVD. Brett bends down to collect it from the player. VERONICA: Anymore drive-bys and that finds its way back to the sheriff. Now. Everyone grab their Visine. You have an appointment. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. Brett looks up sullenly as he, Towelie and one of the other boys clean the pavement of paint immediately outside the restaurant. Rashad is standing over them. RASHAD: Hey, you! I still see some green by the door jamb. Towelie gets up and heads for the indicated area where the fourth boy is already working. Rashad turns and looks up at Veronica who is up on a stepladder, fixing a camera. RASHAD: Are you sure these aren't the same vandals who did the spray painting? Veronica climbs down the stepladder. VERONICA: Pretty sure. She carries on past him, and Sabirah comes out of the restaurant, carrying a small cloth banner. SABIRAH: Are you sure we should hang one on the door again? I mean, are we asking for trouble? RASHAD: I won't be intimidated, Sabirah. She's unconvinced and turns to Veronica, who is checking out the playback from the cameras on her computer. SABIRAH: What do you think? They stole the last one we put up. RASHAD: Don't ask her. This isn't about her. Veronica turns to look at the banner as Sabirah shoos her husband to shut up. Veronica returns her attention to the computer as she responds. VERONICA: If it was me, I'd put one up twice as big. Rashad grins, as does Veronica. On her screen, the cameras she has installed are working, showing the boys continuing in their work. RASHAD: You see? Two to one. Democracy in action. He takes the banner from his wife, who smiles. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Dick is sitting on the couch, his laptop on the ottoman in front of him. Logan walks around the back of the couch. He glances down at Dick as he adjusts his necklace. LOGAN: Hey, I gotta run some errands for the party. Thanks for all your help, by the way. Dick, oblivious to the complaint, leans back with satisfaction. DICK: Check it out. Two hot chicks I met on MySpace. Both in play. Both eager to meet the Dickster face-to-face. Question. And I need you to dig deep here. Which one do I invite? Logan, having put on his watch and grabbed his phone, leans down to get a better look at the screen. The page for the first girl is up. Dick adds the second page so pictures of both can be seen. LOGAN: Um...hmm. Lazy eye might work to your advantage. DICK: Ha! Trick question! Just goes to show how whipped you are. The correct answer is "both." LOGAN: And if they both show? DICK: Then I do a quick heat check. Whichever's engine's running hotter gets Dick. Logan heads out as Dick continues to stare at the objects of his interest. LOGAN: You mean "whomever's." DICK: Whatever. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - NIGHT. Keith and Deputy Gills talk quietly up at the counter in the darkened office. GILLS: What can I say? We hit them all, full sweeps. They were clean. KEITH: Deputy Gills, you don't find it strange? College towns, surprise inspections, and not one of my deputies issues a single citation? Sacks, working at his desk, glances up at them with interest, but firmly keeping his head down. GILLS: Not really. Those bars do a good job of keeping the minors out. I hate to say it but the kid who got hit? He's the exception. KEITH: [softly sarcastic] What are the odds? INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica sinks onto her desk chair and checks her computer. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So let's see how Babylon Gardens survived the night without me. She pulls up the video from the surveillance camera. VERONICA VOICEOVER: All seems well. She speeds it forward. At one point during the night, a figure is seen at the window of the restaurant. Veronica slows the playback down to normal speed. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Who is this guy and what's he doing skulking around? It's a young man just loitering outside the restaurant. He's wearing a sweatshirt that has the number eleven on the back and "Sneed Batmen" on the front. Veronica freezes the picture. VERONICA VOICEOVER: "Sneed Batmen"? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - DAY. Music: "Trina" by Public Bulletin. LYRICS: As Trina walks, as Trina talks Trina falls in love She [?] image She thinks she'd done enough Beautiful poster is tacked above her head How many times, how many rhymes Justify your feelings Sent to her at night Jambox promises that love will find a way It can't promise love will stay Trina watch it all subside Songs that you listen to are lies The Food Court is busy, with all the tables in use. Veronica and Mac are occupying one of them. VERONICA: Does "Sneed Batmen" ring any bells? For some reason, it sounds familiar. Mac is staring into space and doesn't respond. VERONICA: Hello? Mac's eyes jerk to focus on Veronica. VERONICA: Sneed? MAC: Sorry. Bronson and I went on a hike this morning. I'm wiped. VERONICA: A hike? You? MAC: [defiantly] Yes. VERONICA: Morning? You? MAC: I wanted to see what it was like. VERONICA: And? MAC: [unenthusiatically] It's sunny. VERONICA: Mmm. Sounds like things are good with Bronson. Any better and he'd have you jump the fiery hoops. Mac glares at her. She then spots something over Veronica's shoulder. MAC: You ready? Mac nods to behind Veronica. MAC: We can offer them our table. Veronica looks over her shoulder. Logan and Parker have their trays of food and are looking for somewhere to sit. Parker is giggling. Veronica is not happy but puts on a face for Mac. VERONICA: Sure. Mac waves them over. PARKER: Hey, you guys. Thanks for the table. MAC: It just takes me back to high school. Remember, Logan? We stood at the same lunch table and made fun of all the fat kids. LOGAN: I'm sorry. We went to the same high school? MAC: Uh, yeah. We ran over that fisherman and promised to take the secret to our graves. LOGAN: I remember the fisherman. MAC: Remember? You bet your friends you could turn me into a super hot prom date as a joke, but you ended up falling in love with me? Logan thinks hard for a beat and takes a deep breath as if to say he does. LOGAN: Nope. Lost it. PARKER: Please stop. Logan grins. Veronica, a smile fixed on her face, can take no more of the banter. She gets up from the table. VERONICA: Ohh. Gotta split. Sorry. Late. PARKER: Hey, my birthday party. You can come, right? Veronica takes a deep breath. VERONICA: You know me. If there's a birthday party, I'm wearing a pointy hat. She laughs, a laugh that disappears the moment she turns away from them. Logan and Parker sit down at the table. Mac hurries to catch up with Veronica as they take their trays to the rubbish bin. VERONICA: You and Logan seem chummy. MAC: Guess I never thought much of the guy when you two were dating. Surly thing, you know. But since he's been around so much lately, I've seen his sweet side. Probably the side you saw all the time. VERONICA: Oh, yeah. That side. Having dumped their trays, they head out of the Food Court. VERONICA: So, about Parker's party. If I must go... MAC: You must, you must. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Veronica throws her arm around Mac's shoulder. After a moment's hesitation, Mac does the same. VERONICA: What do you say I swing by your place early, and you hit me on the head with a hammer a couple times before we go. MAC: Not that I wouldn't love to finally cross that off my to-do list, I promised Parker and Logan that I'd help them set up. Wanna come? VERONICA: Raincheck. I'll find reinforcements elsewhere. End music: "Trina" by Public Bulletin. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY. Wallace and Piz are making their way towards their room. PIZ: It's like the new Rocky Horror. Now at one point people throw plastic spoons at the screen. You gotta check it out. It'll-it'll change your life. Wallace, hardly enthused, tosses the football he is holding at him. Unbeknownst to either, Veronica is coming up fast behind them. She races to fall between them. She grabs both their crooked arms, although Wallace lets his arm straighten and Veronica's hand slips off. Piz keeps his arm bent and Veronica doesn't let go. WALLACE: Uh-oh. VERONICA: Relax! I'm here to invite you to a party. Saturday night, rocking good time. WALLACE: The catch? VERONICA: No catch. They reach the door to their dorm room and Piz and Wallace walk forward, pausing there and facing Veronica. VERONICA: I just...need a couple wingmen. It's Parker's birthday party. There's strength in numbers. You soldiers up for mission: moral support? WALLACE: Okay, cool. I'm in. But I think Piz has to go to- PIZ: No. Piz is in. It...it sounds like fun. I mean, I...maybe we could go pre-gaming before and you could by the room and we could... As Wallace looks on Piz sadly, Veronica isn't listening. She's spotted a guy in a "Sneed Batmen" sweatshirt who passes them. VERONICA: Cool. Okay, uh...sorry, gotta boogie. She races off to follow the guy. Piz looks confused. He watches her go for a moment before opening the door into their room. WALLACE: I thought you were going to Yoyo Taco on Saturday. He follows Piz into the room. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL, WALLACE AND PIZ'S DORM ROOM - CONTINUING. PIZ: Yo La Tengo. Yeah. But, you know, this sounds more fun. Wallace, having slammed the door shut, shakes his head and sinks down onto the small red couch. PIZ: What? WALLACE: You're like one of those guys who stands behind the players at the poker table and pretends he's playing. PIZ: Sorry, I've never been to Vegas, so what exactly... WALLACE: Look. Every once in a while, you gotta go all in. PIZ: Right. Will do. WALLACE: Excellent. PIZ: I don't know what that means, though. WALLACE: It means we're going out tonight. You're going to talk to some girl who knows you're alive. Wait, actually, that's not what it means, but it's a start. Piz gives a bemused snort. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY. Veronica catches up with the guy in the "Sneed Batmen" sweatshirt. VERONICA: Sorry to bother you. "Sneed Batmen," what is that? SNEED BATMEN GUY: Sneed Hall. It's the chemistry building. The Batmen are the intramural softball team. They reach the door to his room. Veronica leans against the wall and puts on her dumb girl act. VERONICA: Oh. Um...this is...embarrassing but I sort of flirted with number eleven the other day in the library. You wouldn't happen to know his name? SNEED BATMEN GUY: Sure. Jason Cohen. The guy goes into his room and Veronica pushes herself off the wall. EXT - ZETA EPSILON FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT. The Saturn pulls to a stop. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I found out Jason Cohen lives at the Zeta Epsilon house. A Jewish fraternity. Curious. Veronica looks over at the house. There's a large tree next to it and Veronica sees the flash of a camera from the upper branches, level with the first floor (second floor for Yanks) of the house. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What the hell? Veronica grabs her own camera and trains it on the tree, using the lens to get a better look. A sudden scream at another flash and the addition of more light from the room he is stalking, startles the man in the tree. He scampers down, grabs his bicycle, and pedals furiously away from the scene. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Okay. Peeping Tom in a tree takes off on a bike. I feel like I stumbled into a Benny Hill sketch. Veronica, still watching through the camera lens, hears the door of the house open. She swings the camera around to see Jason, his shirt off revealing a fetching vest, standing at the door, searching for the stalker. A hand appears on his shoulder and a girl comes into view. It's Amira. Veronica gets out of the car and walks towards them. VERONICA: Uh, Amira. You mind telling me what's going on here. AMIRA: Better question. Why the hell are you here? VERONICA: I'm here because I have surveillance footage of Jason skulking around your parents' restaurant last night after closing. AMIRA: He wasn't skulking. Jason's my boyfriend. Amira looks heavenward. AMIRA: Oh, I'm gonna kill Nasir. VERONICA: Who? AMIRA: Nasir? He works at the restaurant. His student visa expired and my parents agreed to give him a job. She sighs and folds her arms. AMIRA: I was supposed to marry the guy. Jason looks down at her in surprise. JASON: Really. AMIRA: Don't ask. Those pictures will literally kill my dad. VERONICA: Are they X-rated? AMIRA: It's not the nudity. It's my co-star, the Jew. Jason gives Veronica a lop-sided grin. AMIRA: However long it takes to get those photos developed and pedal over to my dad's house, that's how long I will be until I'm disowned. VERONICA: There's only two one-hour photo places open this late. And Nasir's on a bike. I'll see what I can do. Amira and Jason look relieved. Veronica spins around and heads back to her car. INT - CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT. Veronica enters the store, more like a supermarket. She spots Nasir who is in Arab dress as he waits by the magazine rack, flicking through one of the magazines. He doesn't notice her. Veronica goes to the one-hour photo counter. A guy is busy at the machine. Veronica clears her throat to get his attention. He turns to face her, wearing a slight manic grin. VERONICA: Hi, um, my boyfriend... She looks over her shoulder deliberately at Nasir. VERONICA: ...is a tad embarrassed to pick up the photos we just dropped off. There are a few special-moments-with-special-friends type shots. Men! It's all rah-rah-rah until you find yourself in an all night phot-mat. The rubbery-faced clerk's visage turns increasingly tragic. VERONICA: Um, how much do we owe you? The clerk peers out at Nasir, not quite believing the relationship. ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: That's your boyfriend? VERONICA: Yeah. It's like I'm dating a young Omar Sharif. Desert fever, what are you going to do. Um, are they ready? ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: Uh,um, I'm on the last one. I've had some problems with the machine jamming. VERONICA: Okay. The clerk checks the machine and then watches Veronica as she walks over to Nasir. Veronica stops right in front of him. VERONICA: Sorry. Do you have the time. Nasir looks down at her with disapproving disdain. NASIR: 11:15. Veronica pauses a moment, smiling, then runs her hand down Nasir's arm, ending with a pat. VERONICA: [softly] Thank you. Nasir is a little disgusted, but doesn't react as Veronica walks away from him, back to the counter. The clerk, who has been watching, shakes his head at the interesting pairings life throws up. Veronica reaches the counter, getting out some cash which she places on the counter. VERONICA: Arab men. So macho. With a chuckle, she grabs the photos from the counter and heads towards the exit, calling out to Nasir as she goes. VERONICA: Nasir! Startled, he looks up and responds to a little wave from her. VERONICA: See you back at the apartment. Don't be late! Veronica blows him a kiss and leaves. Nasir stares after her, his hand still held up in the wave. He drops his hand and walks over to the counter. The clerk watches him with increasing consternation. NASIR: My photos. Are they done? ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: Your girlfriend just picked them up. NASIR: Girlfriend? I don't know that woman. [with increasing aggression] You gave her my pictures? ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: Sir! Count to ten, please. I am not the enemy. Nasir makes to run after Veronica. ONE-HOUR PHOTO CLERK: I still have a few of the prints that were only half developed when the machine jammed. Nasir swings between to racing after Veronica or staying for photos. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Music: "Hold On to You" by the Waking Hours. Wallace and Piz are sitting at the bar, drinking beer and watching a girl play billiards. The guy playing with her hands her cash as she wins the game. Wallace starts to search his own pockets. WALLACE: Hey, it's worth losing twenty bucks just to talk to her. PIZ: We came here for me, remember? WALLACE: Yeah, that was before I saw her. Piz plants a firm hand on Wallace's shoulder, forcing him down on the stool. PIZ: Oh, no you don't. No. Piz gets up off his stool to head for the girl, pointing at Wallace on route. PIZ: Judas. Piz arrives at the billiards table and slaps notes on it with a flourish. PIZ: I got twenty bucks that says you can whip my ass and make me like it. MIRANDA: Well, I do like a confident man. She reaches down close to Piz's groin to grab the triangle for setting up the balls, although it takes Piz a split-second to realise that. Wallace laughs from his observation post at the bar. End music: "Hold On to You" by the Waking Hours. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, AMIRA'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT. Like all the rooms, Amira's has a whiteboard on the door on which someone has written "I can't wait till its all over - summer time - beaches." She opens the door to Veronica. She smiles on seeing her. Veronica holds up the pictures. VERONICA: Look what I found. Amira is delighted them, taking them with an excited sigh of relief. AMIRA: Thank you, Veronica! Ooh. She beckons Veronica into the room with a soundless "Come in" and a wave, then looks through the snaps. AMIRA: Ooh. VERONICA: I must say, your spurned suiter? He may be crazy, but... Veronica waves the heat from her face. VERONICA: Oh, my. AMIRA: If I didn't mind being treated as property, he might be tempting. There's a firm knock at the door. A little surprised, Amira opens it. RASHAD: [furious] Explain this! He's holding out a half-developed picture of Amira and Jason. RASHAD: Now! Amira is still standing, frozen. Veronica, behind her, also stays silent. RASHAD: Nasir says that this boy lives in a Jewish fraternity. Is he a Jew? Amira drops her eyes and says nothing. RASHAD: Being with this boy is what has caused of all this. The threats, the vandalism. The community has obviously found out and turned against us! VERONICA: When you say "community," do you mean Jewish or Arab? RASHAD: Either. Both. I don't know. Rashad points at Veronica. RASHAD: The restaurant is no longer your concern. You're fired. Leave! Veronica walks towards the door. VERONICA: I work for your wife. If she wants me fired, she can give me a call. Veronica walks away from them, Rashad not happy that she's being defiant. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Mr. Murphy is in his office in the back, sitting at his desk counting out bills. Keith arrives. KEITH: Mr. Murphy. One of my deputies told me you wanted a private audience. I was in the neighbourhood. MURPHY: You know why people enjoy going to bars, Sheriff? Keith stares down at him impassively. MURPHY: They can drink at home. People want to relax. Let their hair down. That's not easy to do when every ten minutes uniformed deputies are showing up and harassing them. The funny thing is I always backed the badge. In fact I usually buy an especially large amount of sheriff's department raffle tickets every year. Sheriff Lamb, God rest his soul, really appreciated his relationship with local businesses. Murphy gets up from the desk and walks around to the front of it to join Keith. MURPHY: So how many raffle tickets do you think The Break should buy this year, Sheriff? You know, just to, uh, make sure that we keep working together. Ten bucks a pop? Maybe five hundred tickets? KEITH: We won't be having a raffle this year, Mr. Murphy. The hospital is having a pancake breakfast. Perhaps you could better serve the community by giving to them. Murphy follows Keith out of the office. MURPHY: You sure you're thinking this all the way through, Sheriff? Keith pauses at some photographs on the wall. One picture gets his attention. It's a picture of the 2006 baseball or softball team, Excessive Force. The team appears to be made up of deputies, as Sacks and Gills are among the players. MURPHY: Your boys really enjoy those new uniforms every year, tournament fees taken care of, post-game pitchers of beer on the house. It's like I'm one of the team. Keith looks from the photo to Murphy, but before he can respond, his attention is diverted by the sound of a girl's laugh. He looks up to see the girl with Wallace. He heads for them. Piz sees him coming and urgently slaps Wallace, who is finishing the remains of his bottle of beer. KEITH: Wallace? Wallace is still laughing with the girl. Piz is trying to hide unnoticed behind him. WALLACE: Ah, man! Wallace finally looks over and the laughter dies in his throat. WALLACE: Mr. Mars. KEITH: Last time I saw you, you were nineteen, and that was...just a couple weeks ago. MURPHY: I ID'd these boys myself. You can check it. If they're not legit, I'll shut this place down right now. Keith is clearly sceptical. KEITH: Wallace. Stosh. Piz gives him a nervous grin. KEITH: Mind if I see those IDs of yours. They get them out and hand them over sheepishly. Keith examines them and immediately recognises the work. KEITH: I guess I don't have to ask where you got these. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Half-awake, Veronica walks from her bedroom to the kitchen. She wakes up fast when she sees Piz and Wallace's fake IDs taped to the refrigerator. KEITH: You recognise the work? Keith appears behind her from his bedroom. Veronica looks at him and sighs. KEITH: Out of thirty-seven citations yours truly wrote in six campus-area bars last night, no fake ID could hold a candle to your standards. You may not want to believe this, honey, but there are mistakes you can't take back. What if they'd gotten drunk and stumbled into the street like Jim Wilson. Would you want to explain that to their parents? Veronica doesn't say anything, but sighs again as Keith leaves the apartment. Her cell phone rings.. VERONICA: Hello? EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - CONTINUING. Sabirah is distraught. Nasir is behind her, cleaning "Terrorists Go Home" off the window. SABIRAH: It's happened again. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. VERONICA: I'll check the camera. I'll be right over. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. A picture of a young man spray painting the window is held out and passed to Sabirah. She looks at it closely, then shrugs. SABIRAH: I've never seen this man. Veronica takes the picture back. VERONICA: No problem. I can track him. I just wanted to see if you knew who he was first. EXT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Fortunately, the vandal took the bait. Veronica exits. Nasir, still cleaning, stops to stare at her. She sees him and smiles. Nasir glares at her. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One Arabic scroll with a tracer stitched inside. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - DAY. Veronica follows the sound of the tracer until she is led to the scroll which is in a trash can. She looks around. She's in one of the poorer parts of Neptuen and notes the house nearby. As she ponders, a Ford van pulls up. The driver leans out. It's the same guy as in the picture. DERRICK: Can I help you find something? Veronica smiles. She reaches into her bag as she walks towards him. VERONICA: Look what I've got. She pulls out the envelope with the picture in it. VERONICA: It's a surveillance photo from Babylon Gardens. Shows you painting "Terrorist" on their building. By now Derrick, wearing a patriotic T-shirt, is out of the van. DERRICK: Well, you ain't a cop. So my response is gonna have to be "So the hell what?" VERONICA: Why'd you do it? DERRICK: If you have to ask that then you ain't been paying attention. VERONICA: That's it? You're just another closed-minded redneck who thinks it's his patriotic duty to harass innocent people? DERRICK: Not quite. He walks away from her to the back of the van. Veronica follows. VERONICA: I know where you live now. In about five minutes, I'll know your name. The family you're harassing is gonna press charges. DERRICK'S BROTHER: [offscreen] Derrick, what have you done now? Veronica rounds the back of the van to the other side. She sees Derrick's wheel-chair bound older brother on the lift letting him down from the van. DERRICK: This girl here wants to know why I spray painted "terrorist" on that towel-head restaurant. DERRICK'S BROTHER: You really think Babylon Gardens is a terrorist front? DERRICK: As a matter of fact, I do. Derrick walks quickly past his brother to the front of the van. DERRICK'S BROTHER: Sorry about my little brother. He's been pretty worked up since I came home like this. Veronica nods. Derrick, having grabbed a sheet of paper from the van, strides back to Veronica. DERRICK: One of the dudes who works there. Passing these out by the mall. It's a black and white cartoon. Over the shape of the country of Iraq is the name in block capitals. One American soldier stands in front of the I with his gun raised. A second enters the I, as if it were the start of an enclosed conveyer belt. A man in Arabic dress, with his face covered, stands behind the A and Q, going "Hee Hee!" From the Q, a coffin draped with the American flag exits the word to join another coffin already expelled. DERRICK: I followed him back to the restaurant on his bike. Iraqis laughing at dead Americans? If that ain't terrorist propaganda, then I don't know what it. Derrick, firmly unapologetic, heads back to his brother. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. The restaurant is quite busy as Veronica enters. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Generally the satisfaction of nailing someone for a crime like this is its own reward. So where's the sugar rush of sweet justice I should be feeling right now? Veronica joins Rashad and Sabirah at one of the tables. SABIRAH: Hello. RASHAD: Hi. They lean forward to hear her report. VERONICA: So, his name is Derrick Karr. He admitted to vandalising your restaurant after he was handed this. She pulls the cartoon out of her bag and holds it up to them. Sabirah takes it and they both stare down at it. VERONICA: By Nasir. He was distributing them outside the mall. Derrick followed him back here. Rashad and Sabirah exchange a sad glance. VERONICA: Derrick's brother was shot up in Iraq. RASHAD: His brother was a soldier? VERONICA: Yes. But he had no idea what Derrick had done. Veronica takes a deep breath. VERONICA: I did some checking. Derrick's on probation for stealing cars. If you press charges, it'll most likely mean some jail time for him. RASHAD: I want to meet this man. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, BENES HALL - DAY. Keith walks down the corridor, attracting furtive glances from passing students. He arrives at the door to Wallace and Piz's room. He pauses to consider the front of the latest Lampoon cover. Entitled "Mars Attacks!" it depicts Wallace and Piz being caught by a finger-waving Keith at The Break, with Keith's head being twice the size of his body. Keith knocks on the door. Piz opens it. Wallace is behind him, playing with a mini-basketball. PIZ: Uh, Mr., uh, Sheriff Mars! KEITH: Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out. Have a few beers. Piz stares at him in shock for a moment before smiling and pointing at him. PIZ: It's one of those trick questions, isn't it? KEITH: I've got some new IDs for you. He holds up a couple of cards. KEITH: Wallace! Wallace joins Piz at the door and they take the proffered IDs. They take a moment to look at them. PIZ: This picture is Jon Bon Jovi. KEITH: Yes. It is. WALLACE: Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars. KEITH: I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on. INT - THE BREAK - NIGHT. Music: "The Hard Light" by Mere Mortals. LYRICS: I'm on a wire I'm on a star I got a feeling you don't know where you are Here she comes now She got the word She wrote the note that you never heard Come on We're all done Who's in your head, who's in my song? Beer fills a glass from a pitcher. Wallace slides the glass along the bar to Piz who picks it up unenthusiastically. PIZ: Non-alcoholic beer. All the peeing, none of the fun. WALLACE: Quit complaining. One night of this and we're off the hook. PIZ: Plus, if things work out with Miranda, this could be one of those cool first-time-we-met stories. WALLACE: What about it is cool? And by the way, you invited her to join us at Logan's party. Your lack of pimp juice is going to cost you, son. Further discourse is forestalled by the arrival of Deputy Gills. GILLS: All right. Let's have all you finest minds of So. Cal. put your IDs in the air... GIRL: Oh, come on. GILLS: And wave them around like you just don't care. [SCENE_BREAK] The bar's customers do as told and hold up their IDs. Gills walks along the length of the bar, barely looking at them. He gets to Wallace and Piz. Piz's card gives him a moment's pause. He looks at Wallace's and then back at Piz's, metaphorically rolling his eyes. GILLS: Thank you. And goodnight. This waste of time has been brought to you by the temporary sheriff of Balboa County. Gills leaves the bar. Wallace picks up the walkie-talkie on his lap. WALLACE: Did you get that, Mr. Mars? End music: "The Hard Light" by Mere Mortals. EXT - THE BREAK - CONTINUING. Keith is parked outside. KEITH: Got it. He switches off the walkie-talkie and watches Deputy Gills as he walks away from the bar. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Keith has the deputies gathered together again. KEITH: Last night, I ordered another sweep of the bars. Smith, Jones, Taylor, Gills. Clean out your lockers, you're fired. GILLS: You're firing us? You're the substitute teacher. We were hired by Don Lamb. I know these guys better than you do, Keith. You try to pull this stunt, we all walk. KEITH: Fair enough. Keith points. KEITH: There's the door. Sacks and the other deputies don't make a move. GILLS: You don't have the stones-- KEITH: Leave your badge on the desk and get the hell out of my station. Gills opens his mouth to argue, but as he looks around he can see that he doesn't have the support he thought he had. He takes off his badge and walks towards the desk on the way out. EXT - KARR RESIDENCE - DAY. Derrick opens the door. DERRICK: You. He's not pleased to see Veronica. VERONICA: I've got some people who want to meet you. She indicated the Krimanis, standing behind her. VERONICA: Rashad, Sabirah Krimani. This is Derrick Karr. They own Babylon Gardens. RASHAD: I wanted to meet you. Talk to you. DERRICK: Lucky me. Derrick starts to shut the door in their faces. VERONICA: Hey, if they report you, it's off to jail you go. DERRICK: So, I end up in jail. My brother ends up in a wheelchair and these foreigners are free to spit on America and everything it stands for. RASHAD: What it stands for? Do you even know what it stands for? Derrick prepares for a lecture with ill grace. RASHAD: Saying you love America is easy. It's easy until someone spray paints "terrorist" on your door. It's easy until you are handed a flyer that mocks the sacrifice of your brother. We all came from somewhere else. We all are trying to make it. In America, whatever you stand for you're supposed to get a fair shot. That is what your brother was fighting for. In case you wanted to know. Derrick glares at him, unmoved. DERRICK: So turn me in, Ali Baba. It makes no difference to me. Derrick slams the door shut. Veronica sighs heavily. She gets out her phone. VERONICA: He'll be in jail in an hour. Veronica starts to dial. RASHAD: No, no. Don't, don't turn him in. I suspect that our troubles with Mr. Karr are over. I'm glad that I had the chance to speak with the man. VERONICA: You sure? Rashad nods. VERONICA: Okay. Veronica leads them away from the door. Sabirah puts her arm around her husband. SABIRAH: I'm so proud of you. Your words were so inspirational. I was wondering. Do they apply to your daughter as well? Rashad sighs. RASHAD: I guess I should meet the boy. SABIRAH: And what do we do about Nasir? RASHAD: Well, he didn't break any laws handing out the flyer and I support his right to exercise free speech. But that doesn't mean that I have to support him or shelter him. That cartoon pissed me off. It was un-American. INT - BABYLON GARDENS - DAY. Nasir is working in the kitchen. INS AGENT: Nasir Ben Hafayid. Nasir looks up to see two men in suits enter the kitchen. The first man holds up his badge. INS AGENT: You're in this country on an expired I-20 student visa. The agent cuffs Nasir. INS AGENT: In accordance with INS 214 any statement you make can be used in a court of law, immigration or administrative proceeding. Nasir is led away. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. Keith is pouring the contents of a large saucepan into a colander. Veronica arrives. KEITH: Hey, honey. Just in time. Hungry? VERONICA: Nope, but the food's free. Veronica gets plates from the cupboard. KEITH: Wallace called. He and Piz are going to meet you at the party. Said you'd understand. VERONICA: [horrified] They're ditching me? KEITH: I warned them you wouldn't understand. Score one for Dad. By the way, you didn't tell me I made the front page of the Lampoon. Having laid the plates, Veronica sinks onto the stool. KEITH: This had to have been tough on you the last couple of days, having your old man back as sheriff. VERONICA: Actually, it's been tough on me knowing I let you down. I'm sorry about those IDs. I vow to use the Mars powers for good rather than evil from now on. KEITH: There's never a stenographer around when you need one. Veronica wrinkles her brow at her father. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL - NIGHT. Veronica boards one of the lifts/elevators. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Things I'd rather do than attend this party solo. Seven minutes of heaven with Scott Peterson... DICK: Hold the door! VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ride the space elevator with Dick... Dick catches the door before it shuts and gets into the lift. DICK: Always the lady. You came. Good for you. Thought something like this would be unbelievably awkward. VERONICA: Your fly's open. DICK: I know. Party ritual. Veronica frowns and looks over at him. He's got a hip flask and takes a long swig. Veronica holds out her hand for it. Surprised, he gives it to her. She looks at the open flask for a moment, her need for Dutch courage battling the idea of taking a drink from Dick. Dutch courage wins but not before she wipes the mouth of the flask on her dress. DICK: Veronica Mars! What's that line about the beginning of some sort of friendship? Veronica throws back her head for a long drink. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Music: "The Time of Times" by Badly Drawn Boy. LYRICS: Oh, sweet morning Is your head not right Did you hear my warning This is the time of times And your head feels like your body Your mind is close behind There's a teardrop on your shoulder That says this is the time of times It's the time of times again This is the time of times It's the time of times again Oh, sweet morning And your head's not right Did you hear my warning This is the time of times Mac looks around the party, a worried look on her face. She sees Veronica and Dick enter the suite. DICK: Later. Dick passes Veronica to head into the party. Mac heads for Veronica. VERONICA: Why are you looking at me like that? MAC: Sorry. I was afraid you were trying to get back at Logan somehow by coming as Dick's date. VERONICA: Ew. Yeah, nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down. Veronica looks around. She gasps. VERONICA: Couch opening! She grabs Mac's hand and they run to the empty couch on which they collapse with relief. VERONICA: Okay. This couch is our social foxhole for the next sixty minutes of battle. Defend it at all costs. Veronica spots Wallace and Piz. Coming towards them too is Max. MAX: Hey, Veronica. Veronica smiles and then peers around his body to see Wallace and Piz. MAX: And friend. VERONICA: Sorry, right, uh, Max, this is my friend, Mac. Mac, Max. Veronica jumps up from her seat. VERONICA: Where are my manners? Sit, defend, decide which one of you's changing their name. I'll be right back. Veronica races to Wallace and Piz. WALLACE: Hey, you made it. PIZ: Hey. VERONICA: Hey, bozos. We had plans! Over on the couch, Max is now sitting on the couch next to Mac and the two of them are smiling shyly. WALLACE: Your dad didn't give you the message? VERONICA: You were supposed to be my wing men. What mission could be more important than that? Miranda arrives, holding out drinks for both Piz and Wallace. MIRANDA: Here you go, boys. Miranda arrives, holding out drinks for both Piz and Wallace. VERONICA: [quietly] I see. Battle of the bulge. WALLACE: Veronica Mars. Miranda Apfel. MIRANDA: Hey. VERONICA: Hi. Elsewhere in the room, Dick is talking to the first of his hot MySpace invitees, a girl called Lisa. LISA: I loved the quote you have up on your MySpace page. What was it again? DICK: "The Dude abides." I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. Lisa giggles. LISA: What else do you take comfort in? Before he has to think of an answer, he sees the second MySpace girl has arrived. DICK: Drinks. Be right back. He leaves her and heads for the other girl. Logan starts tapping on a glass, bringing the room to order. LOGAN: Can I, uh, get everyone's attention for one minute. Parker advances to the centre of the room. Veronica turns to watch. LOGAN: Now I had this whole "My Super Sweet Nineteen" thing planned for tonight, but, uh, it turns out the hotel has a policy on Bengal tiger rides. He and Parker grin at each other. LOGAN: There is one ludicrous thing I was able to pull off that helps makes up for it. One of the hotel room service waiters arrives, pushing a trolley on which is a large box from a bakery. Everyone in the room, except Veronica, claps and whistles. PARKER: You remembered! Oh, my God. Logan moves around to join her in front of the box. The lid is lifted to reveal a large cake. One side of it is taken up with the message "Happy birthday Parker." The other features a photo of the two of them in icing. Also on the table are a couple of gifts on one of which burns two candles. Parker laughs in delight and puts her hand affectionately on Logan's face. Veronica watches. End music: "The Time of Times" by Badly Drawn Boy. Music: "And I Was a Boy from School" by Hot Chip. LYRICS: And I was a boy from school Helplessly helping all the rules And there was a boy at school Hopelessly wrestling all his fools And then there was a girl at school Blaming all the words she learned from home Nothing could keep her a child Long hours don't you know we try We try but we didn't have long We try but we don't belong We try but we didn't have long We try but we don't belong Now I meet you on the street Harmlessly breaking rules, we meet Lives are found and loves are lost Say goodbye to nothing everything caused Now I find you on my street Breaking rules hopelessly we meet Lives are found but loves are lost Elsewhere, Dick is working on hot MySpace girl #2. DICK: You're kidding! HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: My dad does half the team's taxes. We should go to a game sometime. She takes a step closer towards him. HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: You can spend halftime in my private box. DICK: Awesome! Would you give me a few minutes? I have some party responsibilities to attend to. Dick starts to move away, unaware that Lisa has just joined Hot MySpace Girl #2. LISA: Hey there. Dick turns to see his two dates standing side by side. He is a little stunned. LISA: Isn't he yummy? HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: I know. You just want to...eat him up. Dick looks from one to the other and lets out a bemused chuckle. Back at the trolley, Parker is serving cake. Veronica approaches. Parker gazes at her and lets out a deep breath. PARKER: Thank you. VERONICA: Me? You're the one dishing out cake. PARKER: I was worried...that things were going to be weird and you're just...a class act. VERONICA: I'm happy for you guys. I've never seen him...on a cake like this. Parker giggles. VERONICA: Feel free to just hack in anywhere. PARKER: Okay. Parker hands her a plate with a piece of cake on it. Veronica moves away before she notices that she's unfortunately got the piece with Logan's face. She looks up at the sound of Max's laughter. MAX: [offscreen] That's brilliant! Veronica watches them as she eats her cake. Mac giggles. MAX: An online purity test. So basically you got people to detail their s*x lives. MAC: And be scored accordingly, then I sold their sexual secrets to their peers for ten bucks a pop. MAX: I like how you think. MAC: Veronica busted me, but kept quiet. We've been friends ever since. As Veronica watches Max and Mac getting on so well, Logan comes up from behind to stand next to her. LOGAN: Checking out the talent? He laughs and takes a sip of his drink. VERONICA: How is it you have so many friends? You don't even like people. LOGAN: And yet they adore me. They start walking the room together. LOGAN: I girded myself for seeing with a date tonight, you know, proof you weren't pining away. VERONICA: All the periodically good ones were taken and I pine for no man. Veronica puts down the now empty plate. LOGAN: Hmm. Well maybe you should try branching out. I mean, who knows, maybe there's a consistently good one here tonight. On the couch, Max and Mac continue to get on like a house on fire. MAC: So you sell tests, sorry, study guides. MAX: Yeah, it's not easy. Undergrad courses change quarter to quarter, visiting professors switch up curriculums, RTAs to bribe. It's exhausting. MAC: Tell me you're a business major. MAX: Philosophy. No lie. I think therefore I am. They laugh. MAX: Okay. Seriously, did...did my friends hire you. Mac stares at him quizzically. Elsewhere Veronica is approached by an unwelcome guest. ROCK-A-BILLY LOSER: Hey, the host says you're a big-time swing dancer. Veronica glances over at Logan, who is watching and smirking. He holds up his drink in salute. Veronica laughs uncomfortably. Logan's loving it until his attention is pulled away by an excited Dick. DICK: Dude, you're not going to believe this. Hottie internet chicks found out about each other, talked it over, and they're into it. LOGAN: Into it? DICK: Doublemint, baby! LOGAN: Are they becoming twins? DICK: What? Dude, I don't have time for this. They sent me on a play thing scavenger hunt. Do we have any peanut oil? LOGAN: Here in the room? DICK: Didn't think so. What about an ice bucket? Dick hurries away. End music: "And I Was a Boy from School" by Hot Chip. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, OUTSIDE LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Dick is in the small room where the ice dispenser is, separated from the corridor by a glass door. Concentrating on filling the ice bucket, he doesn't hear the high heeled shoe slide a stopper under the door, jamming it closed, until it's done. He twist round to see Hot MySpace Girl #2 on the other side of the door.He tries the door and realises it's jammed. DICK: Hey, what's up? Wh-what's going on? She puts her hand on her hip. HOT MYSPACE GIRL #2: Lisa is a friend of mine. DICK: Who's Lisa? Lisa appears and stands next to her friend. LISA: I'm Lisa, dipwad. When you're perving my online profile, you should've looked at the friends list, too. Not just the picture. Just thought we'd come by and say "hi." Great party. The girls turn on their heels and walk away hand in hand. DICK: [most pathetically] No, don't go. They get in the lift and just as it closes, torture Dick more by moving in for a kiss. Dick drops his head in mourning. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Music: "Rally" by Phoenix. LYRICS: Hook up with me, meet at the rally I waited so long, I couldn't find a cause Tired or wasted I think you're decent I waited so long, there'll be no decency no (Don't you give me those) Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen at all Remember the time we talked about everlastings? Don't you know we'll both fall to pieces too? April 22nd at the Avalon You teased me Hook up with me, meet at the rally Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen at all Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen, no Don't go away we're so near Look around, you see There is nothing to say but the things I know I got nothing to say but the things I know Standing in line, I think you're pretty Lying on your bed, I think you're pretty too Young girl curl your hair at night Hook up with me, meet at the rally (Don't you give me those) Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Quiet Just as long as you're gone It won't happen at all Shifty eyes pay attention Dirty talk talk talk Louder Just as long as you're gone I won't leave you alone Piz's eyes are a little glazed, despite or because of being the focus of Miranda's attention. MIRANDA: No way! I-I've heard your show. Wallace shakes his head at Piz's lack of interest as Miranda sidles close up to Piz. MIRANDA: Maybe you could dedicate something to me? PIZ: Absolutely, even though it's a talk show. I could dedicate a segment on campus neighbourhood zones for you. They are interrupted by the sudden arrival of Veronica who flies into Piz's arms. VERONICA: There you are! She gives him a big hug and whispers in his ear. VERONICA: Sorry, this is a break glass in case of emergency situation. I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Piz keeps a hold of her while he considers this. Wallace watches with some concern. Piz and Veronica break. PIZ: Oh, sorry. You're right, babe. Bad boyfriend. Fresh drink coming up, okay. He kisses her on the forehead and races off. Veronica gives the thumbs up then turns to face Wallace and Miranda. Wallace turns to Miranda. WALLACE: Could you give us a second? MIRANDA: Sure. Wallace pushes Veronica away slightly for some privacy. WALLACE: You need to listen to me right now, okay. Wallace checks for Piz returning. WALLACE: What you're doing is cruel. VERONICA: Are you kidding? When I told him my name... Veronica looks over his shoulder where the Rock-A-Billy Loser is standing watching them. On her glance, he gives her a friendly gesture. She gives one back with a fake smile. Wallace turns to see. VERONICA: He did that whole "banana fanna fofanna" thing. WALLACE: No, not him. Piz. Veronica furrows her brow, confused. WALLACE: If you don't know he has a thing for you... VERONICA: Piz doesn't have a th- WALLACE: You're smarter than that. Be a good person. Just put him out of his misery. Piz arrives back with two drinks. PIZ: There's my sugar. Veronica, suddenly uncomfortable with him, stares at him. Piz senses the change of mood and looks from her to Wallace. PIZ: What? WALLACE: Nothing. I gotta get back to Miranda. Wallace gives Veronica a significant looks before he turns and rejoins Miranda. Piz gives Veronica her drink. She smiles awkwardly. VERONICA: You wanna get some air? They move out onto the balcony. Veronica takes Piz's drink and sets them both down. VERONICA: I owe you an apology. PIZ: You do? Veronica turns to face him. VERONICA: I do. You've been so sweet to me and I really like hanging out with you. You're great. I've just...I've been so focused on my own romantic drama, I've kind of been blind to everything else. Basically what I'm saying is that I think you're head may have been in one place and mine's been in ano- Piz takes hold of her face and kisses her. After a moment, he lifts his head. He shrugs. PIZ: Just friends. I get it. He backs away and leaves the balcony. Veronica is shocked. She touches her lips. Piz walks back into the suite and puts his hand on Wallace's back. PIZ: I'm taking off. WALLACE: Where are you going? What happened? Piz smiles. PIZ: I went all in. Wallace watches him go, smiling. Back on the balcony, Veronica is pacing. She steps into the room. She sees Max and Mac happily flirting. She spots Wallace. VERONICA: Have you seen Piz? Wallace points to the door. WALLACE: He just took off. Veronica runs in the same direction. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, OUTSIDE LOGAN'S SUITE - NIGHT. Piz is at the lift where Veronica catches up with him. VERONICA: You're leaving? PIZ: Yeah, well I'm a fan of the dramatic exit. Veronica looks up at him. PIZ: Truthfully, I don't know how the night can get any better than that. Veronica smiles and pulls him towards her, rising onto her toes. VERONICA: You sure about that? They kiss again, this time more mutually. In front of them, the lift doors open. Logan is in the lift. He freezes on seeing them. Veronica and Piz also freeze on seeing him. Logan is pale, but gives a small rueful grin and walks out of the lift and past them, where the grin disappears. Veronica and Piz step into the lift. Veronica stares at Logan as he walks away and the doors start to close. He doesn't look back. End. End music: "Rally" by Phoenix.

Veronica is hired by a Middle Eastern restaurant owner to find out who has been vandalizing his family business. When a drunken teenager stumbles from a bar and gets hit by a car, Keith orders his deputies to conduct surprise ID checks. While doing his own surprise search, Keith catches Piz and Wallace using fake ID's provided by Veronica. Logan decides to throw a birthday party for Parker, where Veronica and Piz kiss.

fd_Trailer_Park_Boys_07x01

fd_Trailer_Park_Boys_07x01_0

[sound of coughing] Ricky: We're going to make some good f*cking money here boys. Julian: Let's just f*cking get this over with, Rick. Ricky: My f*ck, this is a good time boys. Tell me that's not the best f*cking dope you ever smoked Bubbs. Bubbles: Should I be getting baked for this, boys? Ricky: Yes, Bubbles, get high, this is fun. Bubbles: Walkie check Ricky. Ricky: Good check. Bubbles: That water bong's so smooth, you don't realize how high you're getting until it's too late. Ricky: Bubbles, you're breaking up. Switch to channel two, okay. Just turn on the radio and relax, everything's fine. Bubbles: Channel Two? VHF, what's that now? [sound of music from radio] Bubbles: [singing] Bubbles: [singing through PA system] Ricky: I know I'm baked but, doesn't that sound like it's coming through the PA? Julian: f*ck, it sounds like it man. [sound of Bubbles singing through PA system] Ricky: Bubbles, everything you say is coming over the PA right now. Bubbles: Ricky, I am f*cked up out here. I don't mean to interrupt your meat-stealing operation there boys but I need to keep talking to you til you get back. I'm freaking out a little bit. Ricky: Bubbles, every f*cking word you're saying is coming over the PA. Julian: He must have his finger on the button man, he can't hear us. Bubbles: [singing] Bubbles: [singing over PA system] Ricky: f*ck! Meat dicks, meat dicks. Julian: These are just birthday presents. You have no right to look in them. We're going to leave now. Rick, let's leave, calmly, come on. Bubbles: Oh, I'm f*cking high! [music] Bubbles: Where do I know that big cocksucker from? Ricky: Don't even f*ck the mind who that is? Phil: What are you doing? Ricky: Get the f*ck out of the way with your stupid fish and your hockey stick! Bubbles: Ricky, I'm not selling meat in the liquor store parking lot again. I don't want anybody I know to see me. It's embarrassing. Ricky: Bubbles, just smoke some of this home made blender hash, alright, and relax. Julian: Corey and Trevor should be doing this greasy sh1t, not us. Ricky: f*cking Corey and Trevor. Corey and Trevor just vanished. No idea where the f*ck they went. Just ran away on me. Disappeared about six months ago and left a stupid note saying they're ever, never coming back. Thanks guys. Now I'm in a liquor store parking lot selling f*cking meat instead of Corey and Trevor. What the f*ck are you looking at? Phil: What are you doing here man? This is my parking lot! I sell mackerel and blueberries. Bubbles: [coughing] Great, Phil Collins is here. Phil: Hey, hey. Bubbles, Julian. How are you guys doing? Selling stolen meat eh? Wanna buy some trout? Julian: Phil, would you get the f*ck out of here. Here, here, take this thing. Phil: Yeah, well alright, Julian. Ah, geez. Bubbles: Here Julian. Julian: f*ck! Bubbles: [singing] I am high! High, high. Woman: Julian? Don't you remember me Julian? Julian: Ah? Woman: Oh my, Bubbles. Is that you? It's me. Your grade three teacher, Mrs. Anderson. Bubbles: [coughing] Hi, hi Mrs. Anderson. Ricky: Oh my god, I'm so god-damned high. Bubbles: Ricky, no Ricky. Mrs. Anderson: I better be going guys. You know, it's never too late to change the path you're going down in life, boys. Julian: Thanks, Mrs. Anderson. Bubbles: Let's get the f*ck out of here, Julian. Ricky: Forty-two bucks already today boys. I can't believe it. Where the f*ck are you going, Julian? Julian: I'm not stealing meat anymore man, it's f*cked. Ricky: Man, what the f*ck are you talking about? You're giving up seventeen, eighteen bucks a day. Julian: I gotta get a job or something man. Ricky: A job? Julian, we don't work. You know us. Bubbles: Ricky, think about what you just said. Maybe we should work. Getting a good job is a good idea Julian. Julian: Listen, if I don't start making some cash soon, I'm going to lose my f*cking trailer man. Seventeen bucks a day, not cutting it. Ricky: Why is he so f*cking worried about his trailer getting repositioned? We're doing good here man. More money for us buddy. See buddy, now this is what I'm talking about. Business. Jim Lahey: Hey Rick. Open for business? Ricky: How's it going Sir? What can I get for you? Jim Lahey: What do you got that's fresh? Ricky: Jim, we both know you came over here for more than just a box of meat. Jim Lahey: Well Ricky, I was hoping to get a few grams for Randy. But he, look, he doesn't want to pay twelve bucks a gram anymore. He's smoking a lot of dope Rick. He's a good customer. How about ten? Six grams, sixty bucks? Ricky: Oh my f*ck, Cheryl! What are you doing? I told you to stay off the counter. Look, you can have this but that's it alright. Now take that and get the f*ck out. Ricky: My father grazed me to that, that other things like animals that live or like I that live and I'm supposed to be the same to them and try to treat them good but I've got f*cking insects now coming to my trailer and frogs and f*cking these things that look like cats but they got these long beaky nose things. They're all attracted to my dope. I can't sell my f*cking things coming in like crows. I nicknamed this one crow Cheryl and she's pretty cool but I have to give her a peanut butter sandwich so she'll stop stealing my f*cking weed and it's just, it's making me lose my f*cking mind. I'm sick of all this sh1t. I gotta sell this f*cking dope soon or I'm going to snap. Ricky: I'm getting pretty sick of you and Randy showing up here offering me ten or eight or anything else. You know what, if you cops started doing your job and you busted some growers I wouldn't have problem. Nobody gives a f*ck about good dope. I'm sick of this sh1t Jim. Look let me spelt it out for you. See what that says? Twelve bucks a gram, firms. Jim Lahey: Are you selling any of this dope, Ricky? Ricky: I sold a little bit. Jim Lahey: Well, I refuse to pay twelve bucks a gram when you can get it for six down at the mall. Ricky: Well, you know what Jim? Go down to the f*cking mall and get the shitty mall dope. You only get f*cking one joint out of a gram, it's sh1t. Jim Lahey: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Look, I'll take one gram. Bubbles: Hey Ray. What, are you redoing your plumbing? Ray: f*ck no. Son of a f*cking whore. [crashing sound] Ray: f*cking, I don't use this as plumbing Bubbles, you know that. f*cking selling it as scrap metal. You know, get my liquor money buddy. Bubbles: Ray! Ripping the plumbing out of your walls for liquor money is f*cked! Ray: No, Bubbs. Bubbles: Ray, do you ever wonder if you've chosen the right path in life? [pipes clanging] Ray: What do you mean, like, if your rig is on the right road? Bubbles: Yeah, that type of thing. Ray: f*ck yeah, buddy. You kidding me. I think about that sh1t all the time. Every f*cking day I think about that. You know, I'll be, I'll be perfectly honest with you buddy. I'm sick of working with Randy, running this park. Bubbles: Ray, all you really do is get drunk and drive around waving at people. Ray: Yeah, I know but I'd give it all up in a second buddy. If there was just some f*cking way back on the road. Like that's ever going to happen. Bubbles: Hey, do you think you can work with Ricky tonight? I just don't think I can. Ray: Why, are you guys having a problem or something? Bubbles: Ray, I love those guys like brothers, you know that. But, I just can't do this greasy small-time crime sh1t anymore. Ray: I know what you're saying Bubbles. It's a young man's game. That's why I got out of it. So here, if I were you, I'd do it one more time and then get the f*ck out of it. You know, get me five pounds of bacon and a half pound of regular beef too while you're at it, would you? Bubbles: You know what Ray? I think maybe I should be doing my own jobs that I plan. I think it would be less stressful. Ray: You need a hobby like mine Bubbs. Bubbles: Hobby? What's your hobby, Ray? Ray: Drinking. Hey buddy, want a beer. Bubbles: I'd love a beer. Ray: Here, go ahead. Bubbles: Do you think I could get in on this scrap metal bullshit with you? I have connections in the cart world. Ray: f*ck yes. I could use a hand buddy. Bubbles: Alright, let's do it. Ray: Let's do it. Bubbles: Want to keep it on the downsie though. Ray: Alright, no problem. Jacob: I can't believe we're working together. This is awesome. Julian: Yeah, thanks for the job Jacob. Jacob: Oh my god, Julian. Is this your car? Julian: Yup. Jacob: Monte Carlo. What a cool car. Is it an '86? Julian: '87. Jacob: f*ck, it's in great shape man. Julian: Thanks man. Jacob: Can you light her up? Julian: I'll see what I can do. [tires squealing] Jacob: Yeah, light it up! BAM! See you later Julian. [knocking sound] Sam: Julian? Julian: Oh my f*ck. Sam: You're delivering pizzas now? Julian: No man, my cousin's car broke down and I Sam: Your cousin, yeah. Julian: Twenty-two bucks. Sam: Your cousin? Julian: Twenty-two bucks Sam. Sam: Yeah, okay. I got it right here. Uh, I got most of it. Julian: What do you mean? Sam: I got, twenty-one fifty. Julian: Sam, this is coming out of my own pocket, come on! Sam: I'm not made of money man. Come on, twenty-one fifty. Take it or leave it. Julian: [sighs] Police Officer George: Alright, next item. Harvey, Bern, all this luggage disappearing at the airport. What leads have you got? Nothing? You're off the case. Ted and I will take this one over. Hodgson, Chambers, want you to start laying down some muscle on this meat stealing ring. I mean, come on guys, they're stealing meat. How hard can this possibly be? It's getting embarrassing. Alright, that's it. Don't f*ck around out there. Jim Lahey: Hey George, what about me? Police Officer George: Actually, you know what, hold up everyone! You know, Jim, there is something you can do for us. Jim Lahey: What's that George? Police Officer George: Take a run up to Horton's for the boys. [laughter] Jim Lahey: Every f*cking day. Police Officer Ted: Guess you thought being back in the force would be more exciting. Double double decaf, Boston cream. Jim Lahey: Double double. Triple single. That's only seventy five cents, Terry. For f*ck's sakes. [SCENE_BREAK] Ricky: Hey. Lucy: Hello. How are you? Ricky: Hey Trin. Sarah: Nice cooler Ricky. Is that yours? Ricky: Yeah. Sarah: Yeah? How can you tell? Ricky: What are you book learning Trin? Trinity: Ah, mammals and stuff. Ricky: Cool. Trinity: Birds. Ricky: How's the little bottle of joy doing? Lucy: Fine. Ricky: Well, I got you some meat. Lots of meat. You got a bunch of pork chops and ground beef. And bacon and this stuff, couple of those things. Lucy: You know what dude, as great as it is that you got all this stuff and I know that you're trying, you know what we really need? Some money. Ricky: Lucy, don't tell me you're going to start busting my cock too. You know what I'm going through right now. And Julian quit working for me today. Lucy: Uh-huh. Ricky: I'm trying to sell this friggin dope. What do you do when guys are selling dope down at the mall for six bucks a gram, even though it's sh1t, but people are buying it. I'm f*cking trying here Lucy. Lucy: Would you like a piece of licorice Sarah? Sarah: Sure. Lucy: There you go. Enjoy. Chew on that. Sarah: Uh-huh. Ricky: I'm not trying to freak out. I'm sorry. Lucy: Uh-huh. Ricky: You got another baby on the way and that got me learning that I gotta become better. For the person that's going to be born. You know that I always become a better person when the person that gets born is born. I'll do whatever it takes Lucy. That's what I'm talking about here. You think I want to be stealing f*cking meat, I'm doing it for you guys. Lucy: What happened to the guy I made love with in the bathroom of Kentucky Fried Chicken? What happened? Where is that guy, huh? Ricky: Lucy, please. We all know this is all Corey and Trevor's fault. I f*cking know you know where they are Sarah. I know you do. And if I ever see those guys again, it's f*cking on, big time! Sarah: That's right, Ricky. Ricky: You got one of those Corey and Trevor things on your arm? Sarah: Yeah I did. I did, because I miss them, because I loved them. You drove them out of here. You know and you blame everything on them. Ricky: I drove them out of here? I gave them opportunities Sarah to grow dope. You know what they did? They couldn't handle it and they had to run away. Sarah: I don't know where Corey and Trevor are Ricky. If I did, I wouldn't tell you. But I don't know where they are. Corey and Trevor are in a mental institution in an undisclosed location. Ricky had them so overworked last year growing dope that they had complete nervous breakdowns. Ricky: f*ck Corey and Trevor. I mean, I was always there for those guys. I helped them. I taught them how to steal cars, how to steal gas. Showed them how to grow dope. I cared for them. I fed them. I was as good a friend to Corey and Trevor as anybody was. I was basically like their f*cking dad. Nobody showed those guys more love than me. Knock knock boys. Trevor: Who's there? Julian: So, we're cool? Trevor: Yeah man. [gun shots] Ricky: Let's go, smokes. You're f*cking lucky. Corey: f*cking snakes dude. f*ck no. [music] Sarah: The doctors strongly recommend that Corey and Trevor never come back to Sunnyvale again, not even for a visit. And they're dead set against them ever talking to Ricky again or they say they could lose their minds completely. Ray: Hey buddy. Ricky: Where the f*ck are you guys coming from? Ray: Just up at Shitty Bills. Bubbles: Are you hungry? Ricky: Yeah. I am f*cking hungry. Ray: Are you hungry enough to blow 23 bucks on pizzas with the old man buddy? Ricky: Where the f*ck did you get that kind of money? Ray: I'm telling you Rick, you should rip the plumbing out of your place too. You would not believe the f*cking money I make in scrap metal, look at that. Ricky: It's crazy. Ray: Crazy? Better than delivering pizzas like f*cking Julian, Ill tell you that. Ricky: What are you talking about? Ray: He didn't tell you? Ray: He's delivering pizzas. Ricky: Is that true Bubbs? Julian's delivering f*cking pizzas? That's his new job? Bubbles: Ricky, don't be teasing him. J-Roc: Hey pizza boy. Jules? What you doing here dawg? Julian: What are you guys doing here? Cleaning floors J-Roc? J-Roc: No you man, just filling in for some ma-fuckers. What you doing here? Julian: Just, it's uh, this charity thing I'm, it's a pizza run, it's, for the kids, it's uh, you know. Tyrone: Charity pizza run? Julian: Yeah, charity. J-Roc: What are you talking about, you man? Last I heard, you were stealing meat, you know what I'm saying. Which is already whack. Not to mention it was with that snuffleupagus, walrus-ass manatee Phil Collins. But now you delivering pizza B? Eh, you want a pipe? Julian: J- Roc, twenty-nine dollars. Bubbles: Alright, look. Here's the meat pre-list. 15 rib roasts, 30 ten pound bags of hamburger, 12 turkeys, 40 chickens, 50 sirloin steaks, 2 dozen pot roasts and 20 LOLs, otherwise known as legso lamb. Can we pull this off? That's theft over a thousand? Ricky: Bubbles, don't worry about it. I promise you. We're not going to go to jail. All we gotta do is order some pizza. Bubbles: Got me Ricky. Walkie check, walkie check. You got me now? Ricky: Yeah, that's a lot better Bubbs. You're clear. Bubbles: Let's get this bullshit over with. Ricky: Alright, see you in five or ten minutes man. This is the most meat we've ever stealen in one time so the trick is, go to a specialtilization meat store and get a man on the inside. So basically Bubbs is the man on the inside. He goes in and sneaks in the freezer, waits til th close, and comes and opens the door, and we take all the f*cking meat we want, it's perfect. Bubbles: Alright Ricky, I'm in the freezer. Hurry up, I don't like being cold. Ricky: Just hang in there man. I'll have some warm stuff for you when you get out. Hot chocolate, whatever. Bubbles: Is the clerk leaving yet or what? Ricky: Open 9 til 9. What the f*ck! Uh, Bubbles, bit of a problem. It seems like they're open later than they used to be. I don't know what happened. I thought I checked it but you're going to have to be in there for a little bit longer than expected. Not that bad, not that much longer though okay? Bubbles: Define a little bit longer! Ricky: Hopefully only like twenty minutes. I don't know yet. Bubbles: That doesn't make any sense Ricky. That means they'ren til 6:20? Nobody closes at 6:20. Ricky: It's not that bad. It's just, you know, it's like being in a freezer I guess. It's cold, or draw some things in the frost. Pretend it's winter time, you're building a snow man out of meat and cats are running around playing. And Bubbles: Ricky! Do you realize what you just said to me? Ricky: Bubbs, let me tell you a little story. When I was twelve years old, me and my dad were stealing meat. I was in the f*cking freezer for seven hours. He couldn't get me out and the locks were all different and Bubbles: Ricky, I don't care how long you were in a meat freezer! Ricky: I did seven f*cking hours buddy. You can do three. The first two hours are going to suck, I'll tell you right now. But after that, it's really not that bad. Jacob, where the f*ck is that pizza man? I ordered it forty-five minutes ago. Julian: Did you order a pizza? Ricky: Hey, pizza guy. Over here. Julian: [sighs] What the f*ck is wrong with you? Ricky: What are you talking about? Julian: Do you think it's some kind of a joke that I'm working here Ricky? Ricky: Julian, you're playing pizza games. I got a better offer for you. We can make two thousand dollars in meat tonight. Two grand. Bubbles, it's okay to come out now man. Come on out. Bubbles? f*ck, he must not hear me. Julian: How long's he been in there? Ricky: Not that long, ten, twenty minutes. Well, yeah, close to three hours, I guess. Julian: Three hours? [glass smashing] Ricky: Alright Bubbles, start gathering up the meat. We're inside. Hey buddy. Aw, f*ck! God, Bubbles can you hear me? Bubbles: Yeah, I can hear you's boys. Little disappointed in yas. Julian: Help me get him out of here Ricky. Ricky: We're not leaving here without meat. Julian: f*ck the meat! Go find a coat or a blanket or something, we gotta warm him up Ricky. Bubbles: Very cold, very cold. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That bread feels wonderful Ricky. Wonderful. [moaning] Ricky: I'm so f*cking sorry, what happened tonight. Take tonight off and we'll get back at her tomorrow, alright? Bubbles: Back at her? f*ck that Ricky. I'm not working with you and Julian anymore. Sorry, but that's it. I'm done. I gotta go to sleep boys. Just sleepy times. Julian: Two pounds. What a f*cking waste. Ricky: Holy f*ck! Raykins. That's what those furry little bitches are Julian that are f*cking you over, raykins. On top of the mold, I'm going to snap man, I can't deal with this sh1t. Two pounds of dope going up because of mold. Great. Man, I hate to keep blaming Corey and Trevor, it's their f*cking fault. They should be here dealing with this sh1t, not me. Julian: Sounds like you miss them Rick. Rick: Yeah, maybe I do f*cking miss them Julian. I f*cking miss Corey and Trevor alright, I said it. Julian: Get over it, cause they're never coming back. Listen, we're going to sell this dope. But we have to be patient and sit on it. Wait for the right person to smoke it okay? And Ricky, we gotta lower the price to ten bucks a gram. Ricky: Oh f*ck! Alright, I'll go to ten, but no lower than ten. It's still f*cking twelve for Lahey and Randy.

With Cory and Trevor in a mental institution, Ricky and Julian hatch a new money-making scheme by stealing and reselling meat from the grocery store. Meanwhile, Lucy's pregnant and more demanding of Ricky. Desperate for cash, Julian takes a job delivering pizza. Ray discovers there's money to be made in scrap metal, while Bubbles resolves to stop working with the boys for good.

fd_The_League_01x03

fd_The_League_01x03_0

Kevin: I'm running to the bar to watch the games with the guys. Oh, no, no, no. Kevin: Why? Why? Where did that shirt come from? I don't know. Found it in the back. I figured I haven't worn it in a while... It needs to go way back, further. Why would I change? Yeah. Why would you change? Why would you wear that? Kevin: I don't know. Mommy, Daddy, look what I found in the toilet. Where did you get that, sweetheart? I made it. You made that? You made it? Yes, you did. Kevin and Jenny: Don't squeeze it. That was sh1t. She has sh1t in her hand. Mm-hm. Why is she picking up sh1t? I've read about this before. It's like fun with feces. Fun with feces? I've taken dumps before. It's fun, you take a picture of it. Send it to friends. Disgusting. You don't whip it around your head like a churro. Just let her grow out of it. You're the mother, deal with this. Don't tell anybody. I'm not gonna tell anyone. Nobody knows about this poop situation. Obviously. Ellie: I'm putting it in the kitchen. Okay, honey... No, no, no, baby, don't. To two of my good friends. Mr. Frank Gore and Mr. Andre Johnson. Leading the Double Ent-Andres to victory. This is my worst nightmare. Losing to you. I was expecting a little bit of a challenge this week. But your team is so terrible. Oh, stop. This is like Freaky Friday. Like, Kevin has gone into Andre's body. The roles have reversed. Guess what. I'm your mother, but I'm cool now. What do you mean? You reversed roles and he's crushing you. I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, you're Lindsay Lohan. I'm cool, you're not. This is what I lost to? Pete: Wow. You know, I do talk a lot of smack, guys, but it's only because I can: [BEEPING] What does that mean? Andre: Back it up. I can back up my smack talk, my friend. [PETE & ANDRE BEEPING] Okay, really? Stereo? When the guy's right, he's right. Knows what he's doing. Hi, I got off the phone with the out-of-towners. Vince would like me to give you the number for a shelter... because Andre beat your ass so bad. That's nice. All this can be fixed. All you have to do is win. I will win, okay, but there's something strange going on here. Can I just say, next week, I would like to extend an invitation to you... to watch the games at my house and have a meal provided by my lovely wife. I have not been invited over since the arrival of The First Human Child. Have you been? I don't know if I have security clearance. I don't. Do you? No, I haven't been through the scanners. We got a dog. Ellie can play with the dog. You've got a dog? Ruxin: Come over. Enjoy my home, watch the games. It will be lovely. That'd be exciting. Ruxin: Yeah, Sofia's excited. She's gonna be cooking some famous dish. That should be good. Oh, Sofia's gonna be there. Yeah, my wife's gonna be at my house. Taco: Oh, cool. I haven't seen her in a while. She's fun, she's cool. Andre: You want us to bring anything? Yeah. You know what you can bring is a condom... so that you can just go to town on Kevin like you did last week. [ANDRE BEEPING] Backing it up. It's all right, buddy. How's your lineup looking? Pete: It's not good. It is listed as questionable. Questionable, what does that mean? No one knows what that means. It's like if I start him, and he doesn't play... I have nothing in the bank, got no backups. I'm screwed. Yeah, you have no outs. They know if they're playing. They know. They should tell us. We should have a direct phone line to these guys. Not to mention, I'm playing Andre this week. And rumor is, he actually beat someone last week. I mean, can you imagine losing to that guy? Are you happy now? Are you finished? You've really... You've done enough to my psyche. It could happen to anyone, all right? Gotta go. All right, bye. Hey, you. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I had a couple meetings. I'm in between. Great to see you. Let's go grab a drink. Andre: I, um... You know what, I can't because I have to do a house-call thing. You're a plastic surgeon. Yeah. Do you have, like, an emergency spider vein, or a tit popped or something like that? What happened? Good one. I'd love to hang out, but I gotta do this. Kidding aside, I gotta say something. Uh, we break your balls about the league... but you're really doing well and I'm happy for you. Well, guess what. I've always been this good. I've always been a champion. And you know what I've been doing is I've been sowing and now I'm reaping. Planting the seed and then I've grown into a beautiful flower... and now everyone wants to smell me. So smell it? [SNIFFS] You smell that? What? It's bullshit, man. Oh, really? You're out there. I see you. You're out there. You got your games you're playing. You got people on the side you're paying to help you out. There's maybe even a dungeon. You got a guy down there. All right, I'm onto you. You know what I smell? Ah, yes, it's, uh, the smell of jealousy... with a tinge of admiration... and just a whiff of sadness. Good luck because I'm gonna: [ANDRE BEEPING] Oh, here we go. Back it up. Back it up. What's up, Dre? Oh, what's up, ballers? Jd: Dre. What's up, man? High-five. Jd: There he is. Robert: Oh, yeah, buddy. All right. Dr. Dre, you are killing it. You are dominating this league. Tell me something I don't know. Andre Potter and the Fantasy Zone is coming for you. All right, so watch out. This week I'm up against you. I know you're gonna beat me. I dominate the waiver wire. Andre, I thought maybe this week... Andre: Whoa. What'd you call me? l... Andre. Andre: No, no, no. Here I'm Dre, okay? I'm sorry. Heh. I'm so sorry. Andre: All right? Hey, it's cool. Man: You accept my apology? Accepted. We were thinking of going to Hammer's house in Wrigleyville, just hanging. Watching all the games... No, guys. No Sundays. We'll do the weekend afterwards. No Sundays. How many times do I have to tell you? Wanna talk on Sundays, don't call me. Text me. We'll take it. Andre: There you go. Yeah, we're good. Let's all agree that we are The League of Extraordinary Fantasy Gentlemen. No, no, instead of The League of Extraordinary Fantasy Gentlemen... I think that we should change it to The Fantasy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh, triple snap. Right? Boom, boom, boom! Boom, boom, boom! Pete: All right, LT. How's the ankle, bud? Questionable. Questionable. What does that tell me? All right. You wanna play it that way? All right, that's fine. Hi, this is Pete. I'd like to speak with Terry Bradshaw, please. Yeah, it's a personal matter so just returning his call. Hey, is Bradshaw around? Yeah, Pete needs him. Hi, I have Peter calling for Mr. Bradshaw. Pete. P-E-T-E, for Terry. Yeah, it's Uncle Pete. Let me talk to Terry. Man: Hey, Pete, it's Terry. Hi, Terry. Hey, Uncle Pete, is everything all right? Is there a problem? Uh, no, no problem. But, you know, I was just... I was thinking about football... I was actually worried about IT this weekend. This is not my Uncle Pete. No, it's me, it's Uncle Pete. Come on. You used to sit on my lap, pony rides, Pete. No, my Uncle Pete had his larynx taken out. He talks through a hole in his neck now. It's a miracle. Cut the crap, buddy, all right? You think I've never been pumped for some fantasy-football information? I once had a policeman... pull me over just to see whether or not he should start Kurt Warner... or Donovan McNabb. Just hook me up once, please. Is LT gonna play? You got some balls, kid. Two small ones but I'm trying to use them. I do admire that. I'll answer your question. Yes, definitely. Yes? Absolutely. Starting, good shape. I am sending you a fruit basket, sir. Thank you. You know this number? Yes, sir. Lose it. Thank you, sir, thank you. Bradshaw on the phone, LT on the field. Unstoppable. Ruxin: Oh... Sofia: Hi. Almost game time. Let's do it. Ruxin: Hold your horses. Hold your horses, okay? We gotta talk some ground rules. If you don't mind sanitizing your hands before you see baby Jeffrey. Don't ask these people, tell them. Cover yourself in this. Put it on the rug rat. Taco, take a bath in it. Can I drink it? Pete: It's like holy water. Let us all anoint our hands before we touch the baby Jesus... for he has come to save the world. You joke, but it's true. Taco: Oh, hey. Pete: Oh, yeah. It's a baby. Look at the baby. Goodness. He's beautiful. Sofia: He is. Jenny: He's wonderful. Yeah. Beautiful? He's got the Ruxin face. [GROANING] We used to be two. Now we're a Holy Trinity. Taco: It's beautiful. How'd your mom like the christening? I told her the church was like a really progressive synagogue. Who did you go with for godparents? It was supposed to be Pete and Meegan until: [IMITATES EXPLOSION] Sofia: Yeah. Just because I'm single that doesn't disqualify me from being a godparent. Seriously, I have been a great godfather to Ellie. Have I not? Whoa, I thought I was Ellie's godfather. [JENNY CLEARS THROAT] Ruxin: Yeah. Yes, you know, you are. I was thinking of something different, and you're a great godfather. Yeah, because when you guys die of cancer, car accident, whatever... I'm gonna move into your house. Bring my puzzles, my slingshot, my Sega Genesis. Gonna hang out with Ellie all day. It's gonna be awesome. Taco, I'm gonna be around a long time, okay? Yeah, but she probably won't. I'm standing right here. I'm just saying that... Unless the son of Ruxin starts spouting off the scores, I think... All right, you're excused. Thank you. Sofia: Yes. Get all single men out of here. Anyone with communicable diseases. So, Jenny... Suck it, Ruxin. Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy. Yeah. Ellie, you wanna meet Jeffrey? Kevin: Come here, sweetie. Step up and say hello. Hello. Ellie is such an angel. Jenny: Thank you. Sofia: She is so well behaved. Jenny: She is so smart. They pick up things at that age. Kevin: Oh, yeah. She picks everything up. Picks it up and she moves... She's brilliant. I have some snacks for you guys, but please don't fill up. I have a very big, delicious lunch coming up. Sounds good. Nice TV. Need help in the kitchen? I do. Well, let's do it, girlfriend. All right, Taco, bring it on. Taco: What do we got here? Kevin: Easy does it, sweetheart. Be easy. Oh, look at this. Ruxin: Hey. Kevin: Oh, hi. Guys, everybody, this is Cale. Pete: What? I love Cale. Can I pet him? Ellie, go outside. You named your dog Cale? Yeah. I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby. If it was a boy, we wanted to name it Cale. It's a great name. We can share the name. No, we're not sharing Cale. No, I'm not... The dog looks like a Cale. I mean, look at him, he's a Cale. I hate you. You screwed me here. Because now, instead of Cale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles. What's that name? Moral. Moral MacArthur. He sounds like a Civil War general. Can you change your dog's name? This dog's real, your baby's hypothetical. And I think a mistake. Kevin: Dick. Sorry, I can't talk to you right now, bye. Kevin: Oh, God. [ALL BOOING] Hey, your week two champion has arrived. Kevin: Oh, stop, all right? It's week three. Get over it, sit down. Andre: Center seat for the winner. Sit down. There's a crack. You wanna sit there? Watch it. Jenny: Just go. Pete: Pick a nice seat there. Kevin: Get here on time. That's Cale's seat, but I'll let you sit in it. By the way, awesome name. Great dog. Ruxin: Thanks. Ruxin, why are we watching a baby in picture-in-picture here? What's happening? I got Jeffrey on the baby cam there, so we can watch him... while the game is going on. Wait, that's baby Jeffrey? Yeah. I heard if you look directly at him, he'll blind you. The Ark of the Covenant, he melts your face. That smells delicious. You're a good helper, Taquito. Oh, merci. Sofia: Here, let me taste, let me taste. Mm-hm. Good? Good? Here. All it needs is for you to try it. Ahh. Weird to you at all? This? Sofia: You're so awesome. No. There's a man in your kitchen performing your husbandly duties with your wife. Doesn't bother you? Does it bother me... that Taco is in my kitchen blanching carrots... while I'm out here drinking beer and watching football? No. No, it doesn't bother me. I do not have a great butt. You do have a great butt. I have a theory. So in horse racing, oftentimes they'll bring in a lesser horse... get the mare all riled up, excited, feeling it. And right as he's about to blow, they yank him out... and bring in the breeding stallion. Hello. Heh, heh. You have a great butt. You got that Latin butt going on, seriously. So Taco's essentially your teasing stallion? Nailed it. Don't you spank me. Don't you spank me. Wait, I noticed that you're starting it this week. That's a bold choice, right? Jenny: You played it this week? Yeah, of course I did. How do you know he's gonna play? I feel pretty confident about it. [SCENE_BREAK] [CELL PHONE RINGING] Sweet ringtone. You changed it from Limp Bizkit? Yep. Hey. [LAUGHS] Hey, hey, giggly, it's rude to talk on the phone in front of your friends. This is the third call. Andre: Hold on one sec? Are you dealing now? What's happening? Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He didn't know it was a bye week? Oh, dude, I am going to crush the Hammer. I gotta go, man. I can't talk to you, it's... [KEVIN CLEARS THROAT] Um, I gotta go. What you doing? Checking out these books. Yeah? Who you talking to? No one. I'm gonna ask you one more time. Who you talking to? I'm in another league. I knew it. How long have you been in it? Is this serious? Andre: I love it. I'm a king there, they love me. What? And it's been the best three weeks of my life. They don't make fun of me. They like me. They think I'm funny... Settle down a bit, we're gonna... We're hearing you, and we're gonna try harder. You're gonna stop making fun of my teeth? No. Yes. You're not gonna keep on making jokes? You mean that the semen's dissolving all the enamel? I knew it. Go ahead, laugh. I know it's in there. Pete: Don't laugh. Yeah, laugh it up. Pete: That wasn't funny. You're right. It's hilarious to you guys. But I have a disease. A periodontal disease. I can show you the prescriptions I have for a special toothpaste. So does my grandfather. I'm sorry. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Those guys, you know what they say? "Oh, Andre, is that too hot for you? Oh, Andre, we care about your enamel." Do they say, "Oh, Andre, can we shoot it in the back of your mouth"? Pete: We're getting off track here. Sometimes we're not the best at expressing our emotions. But that's why you belong. You're the glue that holds the whole group together. You're the centerpiece. You're like the honeydew in a fruit salad, you know. Nobody likes the honeydew. But you need it because it fills up space. The point he's saying is this is less about you than it is about us. Without you, we'd eat our own, man. Can I bring maybe one of those guys? No, not a chance. No. Pete: We need you to take care of this. Want you to call those guys, break up with that league. Okay. Well, we'll see. You know what's important. Make that call. Yes, Maurice Jones-Drew, three touchdowns. Give me some sugar. Yeah. Hey, where's Ellie? Seriously? Yeah. I put her down for a nap a half-hour ago. Oh, good thinking. Lunch is ready. Jenny: Awesome. Pete: Food. Jenny: It smells really good, Sofia. Fantastic. Kevin: Get some food and head back to the table. Nope. Uh-uh. That's not lunch. Follow me. Where are we going? You guys are in for quite the treat. Lots of yum-yums for your tum-tums. Sofia: Ta-da! Andre: All right. Sofia: Have a seat. Is it just like grab a plate and then... Pete: Exciting. No, you sit down. Have a seat. Kevin: Great. This is Sunday, relax. It's a long lunch, and we have lots of food coming out. First course is shrimp cocktail. Enjoy. Thanks, Sofia. Looks great. Thanks. Thank you. First course? First course? What? Of how many? Don't know. Three or four. Goods not as advertised, Ruxin. Excuse me, I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my close friends. We wanna watch the football games. What are you doing? f*ck you, Ruxin! Kevin: Jesus, Andre. Look, guys, relax. Look, my wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. If I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games. That's very sweet, thank you. I have put the games on pause. All we need to do is respect the pause. That doesn't work. We just need to go on an information lockdown. Doesn't work. I don't trust you. This one's a spy. Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him, look at that shirt. I don't trust myself in my heart. I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try. Don't touch me. We need to police each other... like in Communist Russia. This is gonna be, like, football Gestapo. No, that's Germany. They both got it done. [TACO IMITATING AIRPLANE ENGINE] Salad plane, coming through. Sofia: You're so funny. Kevin: Yes. Ruxin: All right. Second part of course one, guys, let's get those greens. Sofia thought that maybe we should do this buffet-style. Pete: Good idea. Let's do it. Sofia: He had this great idea... How food like this has to be savored. Sofia: Yes. Taco: Gotta sit and enjoy it. Enjoy each other's company. That's what we were doing. In the other room, watching football. Yeah, right. Hey, dig in everyone. All right. [SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] Taco: Mmm. Sofia: Mm. Taco: Let's do it. I'm done. Done. Done. Paella time. Beep, beep. Kevin: Aww! He means, oh, yeah. [PEOPLE CHEERING] They're watching the games next door. What game is on now? We're missing everything. Abide by the pause. This is bullshit. Abide by the pause. This is lovely, thank you very much. Sofia: Thank you. I'm just gonna go to the restroom. Thank you very much. Oh, I'll show you where it is. I know where it is. No, we remodeled. I think I can find it. I insist. How far are you gonna take this? All the way. You wanna hold it? lf I have to. And here comes the soup. Watch out, it's piping hot. Sofia: Awesome. Can we get one cool for Andre? He actually has really sensitive teeth. Yeah. Really? Absolutely, you do. You deserve that. Yeah, I do. Um, I gotta go make a call. You're not going anywhere. I have to check in with a patient. Kevin: Let him go. Hey, you guys are unbelievable. But, um... there is another league. What is he saying to his patient? Something like, "Hey, I heard this is an emergency. It's me, Dr. Andre." [IN WHINY VOICE] "Oh, Dr. Andre, you know those calf implants you gave me? Well, it's making it hard to get... my bedazzled Ed Hardy skinny jeans up over my legs." I wanna be with you guys. I wanna be on the party bus. But I can't. Because I already got a party bus. And those guys are great. Ruxin (in whiny voice): "Oh, you wearing a stupid hat?" [IN NORMAL VOICE] "You know I am. I'm Dr. Andre." Just tell the rest of The Fantasy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen that I'm sorry. And tell Hammer I'll miss him most of all. Hey, you take care of business? Yeah, it's over. Thank you so much for coming to our lunch. Thank you, Taco. I hope you had a great time. Wait, so... Are we finished? Yes. Pete: Thank you very much, it was excellent. Kevin: Thank you. Guys, there's some dessert, guys. Pete: Finally. Jesus. Jenny: Wait, wait. Kevin: Hurry up, sit, sit, sit. Jenny: Stop. Pete: Go. Hello, everyone. I'm Terry Bradshaw from Fox Sports Studio. This NFL update: Star running back LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers... will not start today... What? ...as the Chargers host the Miami Dolphins. Andre: I told you. You lie. [ANDRE LAUGHS] You lost, I win. Two weeks in a row. [CELL PHONE RINGS] Two for two. Could happen to anyone. Hello? Bradshaw: Hey, Pete, it's Terry Bradshaw. Hello there. You think I'm gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win? Man, I was kind of hoping you would. Ain't gonna happen. And one other thing, you hear me? What's that? I hated my Uncle Pete, you dickhead. Great. Who was that? That's my new mortal enemy. Andre? Meegan? The dude deep-dicking Meegan? Scintillating dinner conversation? Terry. It looks like you better sell your house, because only winners live here. Slam. Andre, that actually doesn't play. Try something else. I got a slam list. Oh, good, good, yeah. What? Andre: Slam list. Pete: Slam list. In case you have to battle-rap someone? Okay, this is a good one. Um... [IN BRITISH ACCENT] You better be careful, my lady... because Jack the Ripper's slicing up losers. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Right? Pete: I can't even come back from that. And that's why I write it down. Cale, come here. [DOG BARKING] Cale? Cale's made a doodie. Some Bud Light Lime for Andre. How you doing, baby? Sofia: Mmm. This whole day has been amazing. Oh, yeah? Lunch turned out so delicious. Ruxin: Mm-hm. Oh, I had so much fun. Good. And we're gonna have fun. Mm-hm. Oh, really? Well, good. [RUXIN CHUCKLES] I got the spoons and the cinnamon for the coffee. Ruxin: All right. He's such a good helper. He is. Looks like you kids got this under control. Hey, can you give my girl a foot rub if she needs one? Foot rubs are my specialty. Thank you, Ruxin. It's the least I could do. You have any peppermint oil? You know I do. All right, I'll take care of your little footsies. Pete: Oh, he's not getting up. Oh, no. He hurt his ankle. Frank Gore's... Frank Gore's out, man. Who...? Who's got his backup? Glen Coffee? Yeah, who's got Glen Coffee? I don't know who's got Glen Coffee. I would think that it would be... Hey, give me. Ow, ow! Pete: Don't even. Ruxin: Refresh! Refresh. Refresh. Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of the Double Ent-Andres... Mr. Glen Coffee. That was too fast. No, host gets first dibs. What are you talking about? I'm telling you, since the days of Lombardi. I got him fair and square. You know what I just realized? You were out on the phone earlier. My guess is you got a little tip that Frank Gore had gotten injured. You did not respect the pause. I don't respect the pause? You did not. Do you know what I was doing? What? I was breaking up with my other league. Kevin: Oh, God Pete: Oh, boy. Excuse me, they knew? Pete: Sorry. Yes, relax. Ruxin: Are you joking me? Have you guys been working in collusion? You're all against me. That's why I've never won. Give us a ruling. Who gets Glen Coffee? No way the commissioner can give a fair ruling. Look, Ruxin, I am perfectly capable of giving an impartial ruling, all right? Even though you stole my son's name... Ruxin: No way. ...and you know you did do it... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, situation developing. Picture-in-picture. Ellie is bringing a special gift to baby Ruxin. And if memory serves, I believe that's a turd. Ruxin: What is she doing? No. Pete: She's going, she's on the 15. Don't do it. She's on the 10. She's on the five, she's reaching. Touchdown! Ruxin: What did she do? Pete: Six points for Ellie. Ruxin: What is your filthy daughter doing? All the Purell in the world not gonna fix that. It's just a phase she's going through. A phase? Fun with feces. Fun with feces. You know who has fun with feces? Psychopaths. You saying my daughter's a psychopath? She should be sent abroad. Maybe she could go to Mexico and have a fecal fiesta. Or perhaps Brazil for a caca carnival. What the hell is going on? Did I hear something about a carnival? Ruxin: Out. Sofia: Get out. Next weekend, same time, same place? You host a magnificent party, Sofia. Ruxin: It's not my fault. Sofia: It's your fault. Over the name Cale? Yeah, it's lost some of its luster. You're right. This league is a lot more fun. Isn't it, though?

The guys spend Sunday afternoon at Ruxin's, hoping to watch football but being roped into an extravagant lunch made by Sofia, instead, while Ellie goes through a stage called "fun with feces."

fd_The_Office_09x04

fd_The_Office_09x04_0

Andy: Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video] Group: Dunder Mifflin! Andy: Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail. Kevin: That's me. [repeats] Andy: Fail. Oscar: Is this like a blooper reel? Andy: A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail! Dwight: Fail! Jim: I deserved that. Andy: [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do. Darryl: That was a triple. Andy: Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video! Darryl: My pleasure. [Clark and Pete are shown on screen] Video Andy: Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry] Andy: I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly] Oscar: What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises. Andy: Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK? Jim: Uh, what happened to that video I sent you? Andy: Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests] Jim: I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs] Andy: That was not a fail. Group: Fail! Fail! Fail!... Andy: [Group continues chanting "Fail!"]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god. Phyllis: What's going on? Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please. Stanley: What's he measuring? Dwight: OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please. Toby: It's an EMF hotspot. Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god! Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight. Andy: Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall? Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives? Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour? Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven. Dwight: OK, listen. Everything here is up to code. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you. Jim: You got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now. Andy: Fine. I will give you one minute. Nellie: Oh, please don't use the hourglass. Andy: You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase. Nellie: I'm trying to adopt a baby. Andy: A baby what? A human?! Nellie: And the...agency require a character reference from my employer. Andy: Oh. Nellie: You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So. Andy: Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so. Nellie: It's not..it's- Andy: And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here. Nellie: Well then if I could just convince... Andy: And those sand grains are tumbling.. Nellie: You. Andy: With fury... Nellie: It's not..it's not Andy: Down the sides.. Nellie: Entrapment if I'm.. Andy: Of the hourglass.. Nellie: ..writing.. Andy: Time's up! Nellie: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat. Meredith: You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts. Dwight: You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week. Pam: Week off. That'd be great. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so. Clark: I don't want to teach you Power Point. Darryl: Come on! Just show me the Power Point. Clark: Just do the tutorial. Darryl: You're the tutorial. Clark: No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial. Darryl: You could be. Clark: Mm-mm. Darryl: [to Jim] What are you doing? Jim: Getting my wife a week off from work. Darryl: You popped one kernel. Jim: Awesome, right? [leaves] Clark: So Creed is that dude's step dad? Darryl: Correct. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests] Dwight: What? Come on. Creed: I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair... Meredith: I'm not gonna grow a third arm! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [reading from computer] "Side effects of EMF include: headaches..." Dwight: Had 'em all my life. Jim:"..breast pain..." Dwight: No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim. Jim: Oof. "Infertility." Dwight: [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch] Jim: Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me? Dwight: Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the? Jim: What? Dwight: Some of these kernels have crowned. Jim: That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god. Dwight: Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids. Pam: Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way? Jim: You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen. Pam: A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb. Jim: Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied. Pam: Yeah, OK then. Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement. Dwight: So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week. Meredith: Nice job. Dwight: In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour. Jim: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: What's this? Andy: Whoa! Jim: What? Dwight: [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [on phone] There are a hundred packs.. Oscar: [On phone] No six after the eight, no.... Stanley: Shh! Oscar: Shh! Stanley: Ninety nine cases..yeah. Oscar: Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying] Angela: Ooh! Pete: Oh sorry! Sorry. Angela: Oh my god! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [bumps into Meredith] Sorry. Meredith: Lose weight. Erin: I'm trying. Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard. Nellie: Oh of course, you were adopted. Erin: [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well. Nellie: Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..? Erin: Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help. Nellie: Oh thank you so much! Erin: [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because.. Nellie: He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods] [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Stretch. Alright. Stanley: How many times do you need to take a stroll? Clark: I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue. Stanley: Boy, I will hammer spank your rear. Jim: Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face. Clark: It's a medical thing. Jim: Just...you good? Clark: I'm good. I.. Jim: [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this. Pam: It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. Angela: I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her] Pam: Oh my god! Ah! Jim: I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please! Pam: You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus] Jim: Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking? Dwight: What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage. Jim: Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever? Dwight: It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas. Jim: Andy! Andy: Yo. Dudeces. Jim: You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania? Phyllis: Oh, I know I'd be more productive. Kevin: As would I. Stanley: No question. Dwight: No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site. Jim: What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy? Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley: Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Andy: Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving. Erin: Yes! [Group cheers] Jim: Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also. Pam: Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat] Jim: [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh? Dwight: Get your foot behind the yellow line. Jim: You got it. Erin: Yeah Jim! [Group claps] [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [Sitting outside building] Stop. Clark: Come back. Darryl: Too late. Clark: Mmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Group: Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call. Pam: My name is Pam. Group: Yeah! Pam: I like to paint. Group: Yeah! Pam: You think you're better? Group: Yeah! Pam: Oh no you ain't! Group: Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Kevin: My name is Kevin. Group: Yeah! Kevin: That is my name. Group: Yeah! Kevin: They call me Kevin. Group: Yeah! Kevin: Cause that's my name. Group: Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one. Pam: Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately? Jim: If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah. Pam: No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him. Jim: He's just mad that we're all having fun. Pam: Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge? Jim: He's fine. He's indestructible. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Nellie: [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one. Erin: Never say that. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt. Nellie: I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Next stop pies! [group joins in] Group: Next stop pies! Kevin: Next stop pies! Jim: Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so... Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare. Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head? Kevin: Wh... Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies? Kevin: 314 pies. Oscar: What if it were salads? Kevin: Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work. Dwight: I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas. Jim: OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop. Dwight: That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up. Jim: Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on! Pam: Hey honey, I don't think we should push him. Jim: Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?! Group: No! Dwight: Stop ordering me around, Jim! Jim: What do we want?! Group: Pies! Jim: When do we want it?! Group: Pies! Dwight: OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie. Jim: That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight! Meredith: Oh my! Jim: What are you doing? Meredith: Dwight, what the hell? Oscar: Dwight! Clark: What? Kevin: Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just.. Pam: Phyllis! That's not safe. Kevin: Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it. Pam: [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset. Jim: You know he's doing all this on purpose. Pam: Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch] Stanley: Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream! Andy: Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps] Meredith: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing- Dwight: I'm barren, Jim. Jim: What? Dwight: My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building. Jim: Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank. Dwight: You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank? Jim: No. Dwight: That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs] Jim: I'll take it. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Andy? Andy: Who is it? Nellie: Um, is this a good time? Andy: Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable. Nellie: Oh, why, is there something? Andy: It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater. Nellie: Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the- Andy: Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream. Nellie: Alright then. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant. Dwight: Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive? Jim: That doesn't matter. Dwight: What position did you use to conceive? Jim: Ok...that's not... Dwight: Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right? Pete: I don't think that's Nelly. Andy: What? Nellie: Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children? Dwight: You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it. Jim: Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin.. Dwight: Bildenkinder. Jim: OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go? Jim: It's pretty good actually. Pam: Yeah? Jim: We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim] Oscar: Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts] Dwight: When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way! Pam: You feel OK now? Dwight: Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie. Pam: Well, actually, rhubarb is- Jim: Don't.. Pam: the one pie that I don't. Jim: Don't.. Dwight: Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly] Angela: Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie! Group: Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive] [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Oh. Andy: I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers] Nellie: Oh, you signed it? Andy: Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: [Reading] "She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents." [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I insult you, Oscar. Oscar: What? Kevin: I insult you! To your face! Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about. Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it? Oscar: [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie? Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed. Jim: We did it. Pam: You did it. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: My name is Andy! Group: [bored] Yeah. Andy: I don't do drugs! Group: Yeah. Andy: Now check the style! Group: Yeah. Andy: Of Flatt & Scruggs! Group: Yeah. [Andy plays banjo] Pam: Role call. Phyllis: Role call. Oscar: Role call. Creed: What?

When Jim convinces Dwight that the building is unsafe due to a radiation leak, Dwight rents a bus and sets up the office inside. Meanwhile, Nellie asks Andy for a letter of recommendation in order to adopt a baby; Erin, meanwhile, gives her pointers on how to fill out a proper application for adoption. Jim tries to make Pam happy with some pie.