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|---|---|---|
“The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.” | Robert A. Heinlein, | [
"cats",
"funny",
"humor",
"kittens"
] |
“You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.” | Ned Vizzini, | [
"funny"
] |
“I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.” | Stephen King | [
"funny",
"gross",
"vampire"
] |
“And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!” | Susan Kay, | [
"comeback",
"funny",
"humor",
"ironic",
"irony",
"satire",
"sharp",
"witty"
] |
“Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes? ” | A.J. Jacobs, | [
"funny"
] |
“pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!” | John Green, | [
"car",
"complaining",
"funny",
"graduation",
"humor",
"john-green",
"laugh",
"laughable",
"minivan",
"new",
"new-car-reaction",
"new-car-smell",
"paper-towns",
"reaction"
] |
“Try again, I've gotten much better at detecting your bullshit” | Alexandra Bracken, | [
"badass",
"coolness",
"funny",
"humor"
] |
“Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.Am I a computer simulation?Does the door swing both ways?How can something come from nothing? How do you know a line is straight?If animals wanted to be eaten, would it be okay?If time stopped then stared again, would we know about it?What happens when you get scared half to death twice?What is creationism?What is ethical?” | Jessica Park, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"philosphy"
] |
“Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary” | Simon Holt, | [
"aaron",
"funny",
"simon-holt",
"the-devouring"
] |
“Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?""A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit.” | Erin McCarthy, | [
"fairy-tale",
"fairy-tales",
"funny"
] |
“Ow, Todd? Ow?” | Patrick Ness, | [
"funny",
"manchee",
"ow",
"todd"
] |
“Would you have done that in his place? Would you have left him and gone on?""Of course I would!" Halt replied immediately. But something in his voice rang false and Horse looked at him, raising one eyebrow. He'd waited a long time for an opportunity to use that expression of disbelief on Halt.After a pause, the Ranger's anger subsided."All right. Perhaps I wouldn't," he admitted. Then he glared at Horace. "And stop raising that eyebrow on me. You can't even do it properly. Your other eyebrow moves with it!” | John Flanagan, | [
"funny"
] |
“In this world only the paranoid survive.” | Dean Koontz, | [
"dean-koontz",
"funny",
"paranoid",
"wise",
"world"
] |
“That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.” | Rick Riordan, | [
"funny",
"magnus-chase",
"samirah-al-abbas"
] |
“Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.” | Sherrilyn Kenyon, | [
"devil",
"funny"
] |
“I'll get them out and come back. I promise.""On your word as a cutthroat and a pirate?"He touched my cheek once, briefly. "Privateer."Another explosion rocked the grounds."Let's go!" shouted Mal.As we sprinted into the tunnel, I glanced back and saw Nikolai silhouetted against the purple twilight. I wondered if I'd ever see him again.” | Leigh Bardugo, | [
"alina",
"funny",
"nikolai",
"touching"
] |
“You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.” | Lisa Kleypas, | [
"funny",
"historical-romance",
"lisa-kleypas"
] |
“Always drink upstream from the herd.” | Will Rogers | [
"advice",
"funny"
] |
“All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand, Constant Reader, and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of.” | Stephen King, | [
"dark",
"funny",
"good-and-evil",
"light"
] |
“Caroline, do you value your neck?""Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?""Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it.” | Julia Quinn, | [
"funny"
] |
“He thinks things through too much.” | Stephenie Meyer, | [
"funny"
] |
“He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start." "You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier. "No, I'm a kleptomaniac." And she dashed out the door. He was so utterly shocked that it took him a moment to run after her. With a meaningful nod in the direction of the astounded Cahills, she barreled down the cobblestone street with her load. "Fermati!" shouted the cashier, scrambling in breathless pursuit. Nellie let a few CDs drop and watched with satisfaction over her shoulder as the clerk stopped to pick them up. The trick would be to keep the chase going just long enough for Amy and Dan to search Disco Volante. Yikes, she reflected suddenly, I'm starting to think like a Cahill.... And if she was nuts enough to hang around this family, it was only going to get worse.” | Gordon Korman, | [
"funny",
"humor"
] |
“I’m busy, you’re busy, everybody’s busy. I’ve got a lot I want to say to you, though.” “All right,” Pia told her. “Hit me with it.” “First, I’m so sorry about what my uncle Urien did to you guys. I hate him, he killed my family, and we’re going to cut off his head, and then I have to be Queen, but before that happens let’s do lunch, okay?” | Thea Harrison, | [
"funny",
"pia",
"tricks"
] |
“No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said.“Tease.” | Rachel Caine, | [
"funny",
"michael",
"shane"
] |
“CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.” | Gena Showalter, | [
"fantasy-books",
"funny",
"humor"
] |
“Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.” | Maureen Johnson, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"love"
] |
“Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.” | Leslie Nielsen | [
"comedy",
"funny",
"humor",
"locksmith"
] |
“The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.” | Bauvard, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"nudity",
"television",
"values",
"violence"
] |
“Okay, I'll wear the Bite Me shirt,[...]It'll be my standard response to anyone who tries to hit on me." I giggle. "Someone can come up and be like 'Hey babe, what's your sign?' and I'll just point to my shirt." Rayne laughs appreciatively and tosses me the tank top. "Of course they might think you're pointing to your boobs in a 'have at 'em, big boy' kind of way.” | Mari Mancusi, | [
"funny"
] |
“The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.” | William Shakespeare | [
"funny",
"wit"
] |
“You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.” | John Green, | [
"boobs",
"breasts",
"funny",
"humor",
"paper",
"towns"
] |
“When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.” | Amit Kalantri | [
"anger",
"angry",
"angry-people",
"angry-young-man",
"being-cool",
"calm",
"cool",
"fun",
"funny",
"funny-quotes",
"human",
"humans",
"inspiration",
"inspirational",
"inspirational-quotes",
"matters",
"motivation",
"motivational",
"motivational-quotes",
"philosophy",
"stop",
"stopping",
"things-that-matter",
"wisdom",
"wisdom-quotes",
"wit",
"witty",
"witty-quotes"
] |
“Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish.” | Amy Tintera | [
"callum",
"funny",
"reboot"
] |
“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.” | Mokokoma Mokhonoana | [
"agony",
"anguish",
"aphorism",
"aphorisms",
"aphorist",
"aphorists",
"as-happy-as-a-clam",
"beaming",
"beatific",
"bliss",
"blissful",
"blissfulness",
"blithe",
"blue",
"broken-hearted",
"buoyant",
"carefree",
"chagrin",
"cheerful",
"cheerfulness",
"cheerless",
"cheery",
"chirpy",
"content",
"contented",
"contentment",
"dejected",
"dejection",
"delight",
"delighted",
"depressed",
"depression",
"desolation",
"despair",
"despairing",
"despondency",
"despondent",
"disconsolate",
"dispirited",
"distress",
"doleful",
"dolefulness",
"down",
"down-at-the-mouth",
"down-in-the-dumps",
"down-in-the-mouth",
"downcast",
"downhearted",
"ecstasy",
"ecstatic",
"elated",
"elation",
"enjoyment",
"euphoria",
"euphoric",
"exhilarated",
"exhilaration",
"exuberance",
"exultant",
"face",
"faces",
"forlorn",
"funny",
"gaiety",
"glee",
"gleeful",
"gloom",
"gloominess",
"gloomy",
"glum",
"glumness",
"good-spirits",
"gratified",
"grief",
"grinning",
"happiness",
"happy",
"heartache",
"heartbroken",
"hilarious",
"hole",
"holes",
"humor",
"humorous",
"humour",
"hurting",
"impression",
"impressions",
"in-a-good-mood",
"in-good-spirits",
"in-seventh-heaven",
"jocular",
"jocund",
"joke",
"jokes",
"jollity",
"jolly",
"jovial",
"joviality",
"joy",
"joyful",
"joyfulness",
"joyless",
"joyous",
"jubilant",
"jubilation",
"jumping-for-joy",
"lighthearted",
"lightheartedness",
"long-faced",
"low-spirits",
"lugubrious",
"malaise",
"melancholy",
"merriment",
"merry",
"miserable",
"misery",
"morose",
"mournful",
"mournfulness",
"on-a-high",
"on-cloud-nine",
"on-top-of-the-world",
"opinion",
"opinions",
"over-the-moon",
"overjoyed",
"pain",
"pit",
"pits",
"pleased",
"pleasure",
"quotations",
"quotes",
"radiant",
"rapture",
"rapturous",
"sad",
"sadness",
"satire",
"satisfaction",
"satisfied",
"smiling",
"sorrow",
"sorrowful",
"suffering",
"sunny",
"the-blues",
"thrilled",
"tickled-pink",
"torment",
"transports-of-delight",
"tribulation",
"unhappiness",
"unhappy",
"untroubled",
"walking-on-air",
"well-being",
"woe",
"woebegone",
"woeful",
"wretchedness"
] |
“We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally.” | George R.R. Martin, | [
"a-game-of-thrones",
"a-song-of-ice-and-fire",
"arya",
"feast",
"funny",
"george-r-r-martin",
"ironic",
"joffrey",
"prince",
"sansa",
"winterfell"
] |
“You’re a total catch.” “I know, right? I keep trying to tell people.” | Tahereh Mafi, | [
"friendship",
"funny",
"juliette",
"kenji",
"restoreme"
] |
“Isobel moved farther into the kitchen, not knowing whether to be relieved that her mother hadn't had an atomic meltdown, or mortified that she'd taken it upon herself to play head chef with the nearest thing Trenton High had to a Dark Lord.” | Kelly Creagh, | [
"funny",
"isobel",
"nevermore",
"varen"
] |
“HERE LIES THE MYSTERY PISSERP.I.P.” | Wendelin Van Draanen, | [
"funny",
"r-i-p"
] |
“Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.” | Bauvard, | [
"bikes",
"funny",
"humor"
] |
“I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.” | E.A. Bucchianeri, | [
"art",
"artist",
"artistic",
"artists",
"artsy",
"creative-people",
"creativity",
"eccentric",
"eccentricity",
"eccentrics",
"funny",
"gadfly",
"humor",
"humour",
"odd",
"odd-humor",
"odd-people"
] |
“Right. So no plans at all then?"Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?""Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.” | Rachel Hawkins, | [
"archer",
"archer-cross",
"funny",
"hex-hall",
"ideas",
"jenna",
"rachel-hawkins",
"sophie",
"spell-bound"
] |
“Maybe we should have gone with him," he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight."Three of us would make four times the noise he will," Halt said.Horace frowned, not quite understanding the equation. "Wouldn't three of us make three times the noise?"Halt shook his head. "Will and Tug will make hardly any noise. Neither will Abelard and I. But as for you and that moving earthquake you call a horse..." He gestured at Kicker and left the rest unsaid.” | John Flanagan, | [
"funny"
] |
“Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.” | Molly Harper, | [
"funny"
] |
“Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . .” “Dead mice?” Reynie suggested. “Perfect,” said Kate with an approving nod. “As quiet as dead mice.” | Trenton Lee Stewart, | [
"dead-mice-quiet",
"funny",
"kate-wetherall",
"mice",
"reynie-muldoon",
"silence",
"sneaking"
] |
“Restaurants are minefields for the socially inept” | Graeme Simsion, | [
"don-tillman",
"funny",
"socially-awkward"
] |
“Uh... ," Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration."I'm kidding," I said. "It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?""Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?"I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. "Well, where do you put your elven magic?" I asked.” | Kim Harrison, | [
"awkward",
"elven-charm",
"funny",
"ivy",
"rachel"
] |
“I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse.” | Kay Redfield Jamison, | [
"funny",
"mood-swings",
"psychiatry"
] |
“I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this.” | joss whedon | [
"funny"
] |
“She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.” | Dakota Cassidy, | [
"funny",
"hearing",
"humor",
"insanity",
"richter-scale"
] |
“Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.”This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.“I’m not really a little boy,” I pointed out.“Get on my lap, then, big boy.”I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.“Ho ho ho!” he chortled.I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.“Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked.I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.He actually wobbled with joy.“Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”I thought it was obvious.“A message from Lily,” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”“So impatient!” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”—he shifted a little inhis seat—“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”“What?” I asked.He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.”I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.“You know you want it,” he whispered.The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me.I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho!” in my ear. I heard the elf scream, “What the hell!” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho!” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. “Security’s here!” the elf proclaimed. The letter was in my hand, damp but intact. “He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.” | Rachel Cohn, | [
"funny"
] |
“Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?” | John Green, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"paper",
"pee",
"towns"
] |
“Don't you want to know what cookies is a code word for?" "No! Good God, no!” | Jennifer L. Armentrout, | [
"avery",
"cam",
"code-word",
"cookie",
"cookies",
"funny",
"haha",
"jennifer-l-armentrout",
"wait-for-you"
] |
“We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.” | Criss Jami, | [
"affection",
"conversation",
"curiosity",
"fascination",
"females",
"funny",
"funny-but-true",
"humor",
"intrigue",
"males",
"men",
"mystery",
"nuts",
"punch-line",
"punchline",
"relationships",
"sense-of-humor",
"understanding",
"women",
"wondering"
] |
“It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it.” | Maggie Stiefvater, | [
"funny"
] |
“Stick." I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. "Stick. where?" He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked in perfect English, "why are you talking like that?” | Richelle Mead, | [
"funny"
] |
“He watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair and smiled. “Quit it. You’re fucking beautiful.”“Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.” | Jamie McGuire, | [
"abby-abernathy",
"beautiful-disaster",
"eighties-rock-video",
"funny",
"jamie-mcguire",
"travis-maddox"
] |
“He stepped back with exaggerated courtesy. But when I walked past him, he swatted my rump. Hard enough to sting.“You need to be more careful,” he growled. “Keep interfering in my business and you might get hurt.”I said sweetly as I continued to Jesse's room, “The last man who swatted me like that is rotting in his grave.”“I have no doubt about it.” His voice was more satisfied then contrite.” | Patricia Briggs, | [
"adam-hauptman",
"funny",
"mercy-thompson"
] |
“And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.” | Simone Elkeles, | [
"advice",
"funny",
"weapons"
] |
“Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around” | Lisa McMann, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"lisa-mcmann",
"wake"
] |
“Oh, hell, he'd look hot in a chicken suit.” | Cyn Balog, | [
"funny",
"guys",
"hot",
"humor"
] |
“Royce looked back down at the stream below. "She doesn't even know me. What if she doesn't like me? Few people do.""She might not at first. Maribor knows I didn't. But you have a way of growing on a person." He smiled. "You know, like lichen or mold.” | Michael J. Sullivan, | [
"funny",
"giggles",
"hadrian",
"humor",
"royce"
] |
“This is Sailor Supergirl,” George says. “She knows all about black holes.” | Huntley Fitzpatrick, | [
"funny",
"humour",
"romance",
"young-adult",
"young-adult-romance"
] |
“Poison." he said, deadpan. "That's an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much."She's a treasure." Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm.....Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they were out of eaarshor of the gaurd.She's a treasure." Poison mimicked, and Bram burst out laughing.” | Chris Wooding, | [
"funny",
"laughing",
"poison",
"treasure"
] |
“The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.” | Dave Chappelle | [
"comedy",
"funny",
"girls",
"sluts",
"whores"
] |
“I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.” | Phil Plait | [
"anti-intellectualism",
"facts",
"funny",
"humor",
"ignorance",
"inspiration",
"intellectualism",
"opinion",
"uninformed",
"uninformed-opinion"
] |
“I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.""Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.” | Ellen Raskin, | [
"bible",
"funny",
"meta",
"shakespeare"
] |
“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.” | Wally Wang | [
"funny",
"humor",
"work"
] |
“When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.” | Bauvard, | [
"belief",
"funny",
"humor",
"prudence"
] |
“Besides, if you ever did eat some bad food, I could still find a use for you. I've always wanted a cat-drawn carriage."Cheshire opened one eye, his pupil slitted and unamused. "I would dangle balls of yarn and fish bones out in front to keep you moving."He stopped purring long enough to say, "You are not as cute as you think you are, Lady Pinkerton.” | Marissa Meyer, | [
"banter",
"catherine-pinkerton",
"cheshire",
"cheshire-cat",
"funny",
"heartless"
] |
“The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and..."And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation.” | Cassandra Clare, | [
"clary-fray",
"funny",
"mortal-instruments",
"simon-lewis"
] |
“How much detention did you get?"Two weeks. One per arsehole.” | Stephanie Perkins, | [
"funny"
] |
“I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.” | Jennifer L. Armentrout, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"humorous",
"humour"
] |
“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.” | Yogi Berra | [
"funny"
] |
“Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.” | Erin McCarthy, | [
"cute",
"funny",
"hot",
"humor",
"love",
"relationships",
"sexy"
] |
“You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones” | Jeaniene Frost, | [
"bones",
"funny"
] |
“The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.” | Don Roff | [
"art",
"funny",
"humor",
"inspirational",
"life",
"nature",
"writing"
] |
“Our nannas are losers.” | Barbara Park, | [
"funny",
"humor"
] |
“Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. “I like thebrown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I’m not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spiceone is the best.”“The what?”“The lebkuchen spice one.” He held it up for me. “This one.”“You’re making that up. What’s a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name eesLebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies...”“Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.” | David Levithan, | [
"funny"
] |
“Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.” | Bauvard, | [
"artists",
"funny",
"humor"
] |
“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.” | Karl Pilkington, | [
"funny",
"humor",
"stupidity"
] |
“The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.” | Mark Twain | [
"funny",
"humor",
"mark",
"twain"
] |
“Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?” | Molly Harper, | [
"apology",
"funny",
"humor",
"sarcasm",
"vampires"
] |
“Look, why don't you go talk to Ron about all this?" Harry asked."Well, I would, but he's always asleep when I go and see him!" said Lavender fretfully."Is he?" said Harry, surprised, for he had found Ron perfectly alert every time he had been up to the hospital wing.” | J.K. Rowling, | [
"funny",
"lavender-brown",
"poison",
"ron"
] |
“Did you know that Gideon and I were trained in Krav Maga?" Charlotte took another step closer to me, and I automatically took one back."No, but did /you/ know that at this moment you look like that crazy rodent in Ice Age?” | Kerstin Gier, | [
"charlotte",
"emerald",
"funny",
"green",
"gwyneth"
] |
“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.” | Mark Twain | [
"funny"
] |
“Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by our mothers, or vice versa.” | Mokokoma Mokhonoana, | [
"adage",
"adages",
"africa",
"african",
"aphorism",
"aphorisms",
"axiom",
"axioms",
"bachelor",
"bachelors",
"birth",
"born",
"boyfriend",
"boyfriends",
"breakup",
"breakups",
"childfree",
"childless",
"deep",
"dictum",
"dictums",
"divorce",
"divorces",
"epigram",
"epigrams",
"ex",
"exes",
"father",
"fatherhood",
"fathers",
"funny",
"girlfriend",
"girlfriends",
"gnome",
"gnomes",
"humor",
"humorous",
"humour",
"husband",
"husbands",
"insightful",
"made-me-think",
"make-you-think",
"marriage",
"married",
"maxim",
"maxims",
"mom",
"moms",
"mother",
"mothers",
"philosopher",
"profound",
"proverb",
"proverbs",
"provoke-thought",
"quotation",
"quotations",
"quote",
"quote-of-the-day",
"quotes",
"relationship",
"relationships",
"satire",
"satirical",
"satirist",
"satirists",
"saying",
"sayings",
"selfish",
"selfishness",
"single",
"south-africa",
"south-african",
"thought-provoking",
"thoughtful",
"trouble",
"troubled",
"wife",
"wives",
"world"
] |
“Little James Herondale, age two, was in fact holding a dagger quite well. He stabbed it into a sofa cushion, sending out a burst of feathers. "Ducks," he said, pointing at the feathers.” | Cassandra Clare, | [
"ducks",
"funny",
"tmi-inside-joke"
] |
“The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.” | Charles Dickens, | [
"funny",
"sarcasm"
] |
“And tell them what?" Jace said witheringly. "That invisible people are bothering you? Trust me, little girl, the police aren't going to arrest someone they can't see” | Cassandra Clare, | [
"clace",
"clary-fray",
"funny",
"jace-herondale",
"mundanes"
] |
“I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.” | Amy Summers, | [
"dreaming",
"dreams",
"funny",
"humor",
"life",
"relationships",
"sleep",
"sleeping"
] |
“Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.” | John Green, | [
"funny",
"hassan"
] |
“Simon didn’t think Meg really wanted to know how to eviscerate a rabbit. He could be wrong about that, but he just couldn’t picture Meg pouncing on a bunny and ripping it open with her teeth.Maybe if he tried harder to picture it?” | Anne Bishop, | [
"funny"
] |
“I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.” | Nicole McKay, | [
"dreaming",
"dreams",
"funny",
"humor",
"life",
"relationships",
"sleep",
"sleeping"
] |
“Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?” | Molly Harper, | [
"funny",
"little-old-lady",
"pimp-slapped"
] |
“Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash.” | Koushun Takami, | [
"funny",
"kazuo",
"violin"
] |
“I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?” | Rachel Caine, | [
"claire-danvers",
"funny",
"ghost-town",
"humor",
"morganville-vampires",
"myrnin",
"rachel-caine",
"vampire",
"vampires"
] |
““Fuck! ” I shouted and everyone at the espresso counter looked over at us. “Half a million dollars?” Lee dropped his foot and turned to me. “Roxie, calm down.”“Half a million dollars and he bought me cheese puffs and took me to that sleaze bag motel? I’m gonna fucking kill that motherfucker!” I yelled.“Roxie –”I slammed my fists on my knees. “The least he could have done was bind my wrists with VELVET ROPE. He sure could have afforded it. Stupid jerk.” | Kristen Ashley, | [
"funny"
] |
“And he paddled away in his douche canoe.” | Joe Hill, | [
"funny",
"joe-hill",
"nos4a2"
] |
“Oh," she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.” | Sarah Rees Brennan, | [
"funny",
"sarcasm"
] |
“Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.” | Cassandra Clare, | [
"badass",
"emma-carstairs",
"funny",
"humor"
] |