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funny_quotes

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“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”
Eoin Colfer,
[ "funny" ]
“NO MATING.”
Brandon Sanderson,
[ "awkward", "couples", "funny", "hilarious", "lovers", "mating", "pattern" ]
“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
Chelsea Handler
[ "comedy", "funny", "hot-mess", "humor" ]
“He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. "You look hot.""What? Me?" I stammered, completely flummoxed."Yeah," he said, still looking at me."Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you don’t, but I’m not sure that you should—I mean …""Oh, no," Roger said quickly, and I could see that he was blushing again. "No. I mean—I meant what you’re wearing. Are you going to be too warm?”
Morgan Matson,
[ "amy", "amy-roger-s-epic-detour", "funny", "roger" ]
“In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.”
Roman Payne
[ "accidents", "death", "dying", "funny", "humor", "humour", "life", "truism" ]
“My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way”
Ali Shariati
[ "death", "faith", "friend", "funny", "god", "humor", "inspirational", "life", "love", "relationship", "religion", "truth" ]
“I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocuted. I do this when I'm very happy.”
Dave Eggers,
[ "funny" ]
“Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.”
Criss Jami,
[ "alcohol", "best", "conversation", "drink", "drinking", "drunk", "drunken", "drunkenness", "funny", "funny-but-true", "give", "humor", "intoxicate", "intoxication", "pep-talk", "talk", "talking" ]
“Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.”
Isaac Marion,
[ "funny", "humanity", "nora", "warm-bodies", "zombie-apocalypse" ]
“Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.“I thought you must be dead …” he said simply.“So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.”
Douglas Adams,
[ "funny", "humor", "lemon" ]
“Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.”
Lisa McMann,
[ "cabel", "funny", "humor", "lisa-mcmann", "wake" ]
“Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "funny", "humor", "i-can-t", "jkahsalolololololol" ]
“Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”
Maria V. Snyder,
[ "fire-study", "funny" ]
“Suspicion," he said. "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He's a genius." "Starring Cary Grant." When Lucas gave me a look, I added, "You have your priorities, I have mine.”
Claudia Gray,
[ "funny" ]
“What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin?Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.Travis: Or prank.Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "family", "funny", "hermes-cabin" ]
“Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "funny", "grover-underwood", "reed-pipe" ]
“Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.”
Alice Walker,
[ "alice-walker", "death", "funny", "life", "peaches" ]
“And as we leave Donne and Walton on the shores of Metahemeralism, we wave a fond farewell to those famous chums of yore.”
Donna Tartt,
[ "funny" ]
“I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.”
Mary E. Pearson,
[ "fearless", "funny", "humor" ]
“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.”
Bill Maher
[ "analogy", "comedy", "funny", "humor", "most-christians", "read", "simile", "software-license", "the-bible", "understanding" ]
“So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.”
Holly Hood,
[ "funny", "paranormal-series", "true-love", "witty" ]
“Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "funny", "percy-jackson" ]
“It was all Mrs. Bumble. She would do it," urged Mr. Bumble; first looking round, to ascertain that his partner had left the room.That is no excuse," returned Mr. Brownlow. "You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and, indeed, are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction."If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass — a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience — by experience.”
Charles Dickens,
[ "dominance", "funny", "husbands", "law", "marriage", "matrimony", "responsibility", "wives", "woman" ]
“You've done what?""I know," he said. "You're impressed. You send me out for bread and I come back with a boy. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Even for me.”
Derek Landy,
[ "funny", "humour", "kingdom-of-the-wicked", "skulduggery", "valykrie" ]
“He laughs. "Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on."I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I've got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit. I reach out for the first thing I can grab and put it in front of me to shield myself from view. It happens to be one of Kiara's stuffed animals, but I don't have much choice right now."That's Kiara's Mojo," Tuck says, laughing. "Get it? Mojo?”
Simone Elkeles,
[ "carlos", "carlos-fuentes", "funny", "kiara", "kiara-westford", "perfect-chemistry", "rules-of-attraction", "simone-elkeles", "tuck" ]
“Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids’ head into the toilets. It’s nice that some things never change.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "camp", "everyone", "funny", "normal" ]
“He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance.”
Richelle Mead,
[ "frostbite", "funny", "richelle-mead", "rose" ]
“Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out.”
R.D. Ronald
[ "daily-goals", "funny", "humour", "humour-quote", "humourosly-inspirational", "smile" ]
“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”
Bauvard,
[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]
“Don't make me angry-kiss you.”
Rainbow Rowell,
[ "funny", "levi" ]
“Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!”
Robert Louis Stevenson,
[ "adventure", "funny" ]
“hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," he says.”
Suzanne Collins,
[ "catching", "fire", "funny", "games", "hunger" ]
“You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.""I object to every single thing you just said."Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing dark red lipstick."I have lots of friends," Cath said."I never see them.""I just got here. Most of my friends went to other schools. Or they’re online.""Internet friends don’t count.""Why not?"Reagan shrugged disdainfully."And I don’t have a weird thing with Simon Snow," Cath said. "I’m just really active in the fandom.""What the fuck is ‘the fandom’?”
Rainbow Rowell,
[ "cath", "fandom", "fangirl", "friends", "funny", "internet", "simon-snow" ]
“He said "cool" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation.”
Kelley Armstrong,
[ "cool", "funny", "language", "spanish" ]
“He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?”
Thea Harrison,
[ "dragos", "funny", "pia" ]
“I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
George Carlin,
[ "funny", "humor" ]
“If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.""David, I think you just made a joke."He frowned, utterly perplexed. "Did I?”
Leigh Bardugo,
[ "alina", "david", "funny" ]
“No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it.”
Jessica Day George,
[ "funny", "romance" ]
“Hello little one. Did you know you're on private property?""Really? I had no idea." Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. "The ten foot fence right behind you didn't give it away?”
Alanea Alder,
[ "funny", "humor", "paranormal-romance", "romance" ]
“Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.”
Brett Tate
[ "comedy", "funny", "humor", "humour", "memoir", "sex" ]
“Gurathin turned to me. "So you don't have a governor module, but we could punish you by looking at you."I looked at him. "Probably, right up until I remember I have guns built into my arms.”
Martha Wells,
[ "funny", "guns", "murderbot", "robots" ]
“How comes every time I write a book and one of my character's say something remotely offensive, do people stick that “Quote” next to my bloody name on social media? I didn't bloody say it, did I?”
Jimmy Tudeski,
[ "funny" ]
“Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?”
Rick Riordan,
[ "comedy", "funny", "humor", "humorous", "humorous-quotations", "humorous-quote", "humour" ]
“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”
Frankie Boyle
[ "dark-humor", "death", "devil", "funeral", "funny", "hell", "humor", "humour", "margaret-thatcher", "politics", "scotland" ]
“You could still be lying,” says the Roach. He turns to Cardan. “Try her.”“Your pardon?” Cardan says, drawing himself up, and the Roach seems to suddenly remember to whom he’s speaking in such an offhanded way.“Don’t be such a prickly rose, Your Majesty,” the Roach says with a shrug and a grin. “I’m not giving you an order. I’m suggesting that if you tried to glamour Jude, we could find out the truth.”Cardan sighs and walks toward me. I know this is necessary. I know that he doesn’t intend to hurt me. I know he can’t glamour me. And yet I draw back automatically.“Jude?” he asks.“Go ahead,” I say.I hear the glamour enter his voice, heady and seductive and more powerful than I expected. “Crawl to me,” he says with a grin. Embarrassment pinks my cheeks.I stay where I am, looking at all their faces. “Satisfied?”The Bomb nods. “You’re not charmed.”
Holly Black,
[ "funny", "glamour", "lying" ]
“I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.”
Mark Rosen
[ "doorknobs", "funny", "future" ]
“If you want me obedient, prince, kill me and carry my corpse.”
Hafsah Faizal,
[ "fantasy-young-adult", "funny", "humor", "inspirational", "sassy" ]
“CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day.”
Ronda Thompson,
[ "funny" ]
“And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.”
Gary Paulsen,
[ "funny" ]
“Hence, why Tudeski is only my pen name (stage name – made up name) and I don't use my real surname when I write anything any longer. Clever of me, right? No, not really, my real surname got fucked over by critics long before I actually found out an author could use a pretend name – I just believe it's Tudeski's turn to take some of this shit now!”
Jimmy Tudeski,
[ "author", "funny" ]
“When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting."Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself.Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.Click.Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest."Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?"You mean, besides us?""Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee?”
Maureen Johnson,
[ "funny", "ginny", "humor", "humour", "keith" ]
“Jase turned his head to me, brows raised. “If I liked guys—you know, swung that way, I’d get naked after that.”I blinked. Um.“And I’d put a ring on that,” Cam added, moving to where Avery sat.”
J. Lynn,
[ "cam", "funny", "humor", "jase", "stay-with-me" ]
“S'mimasen," Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. "What does that mean?" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. "It means 'pardon me,'" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. "At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow.”
John Flanagan,
[ "funny", "language", "ranger-s-apprentice" ]
“Just another part of that Spartan killer instinct. I can slay the ladies just as well as I can reapers.”
Jennifer Estep,
[ "funny", "hot", "mythology" ]
“I’m sorry I ever asked you guys to be friends. You don’t have to be friends. You don’t even have to like each other. Forget I said anything.”Warner drops his crossed arms.Kenji raises his eyebrows.“I promise,” I say. “No more forced hangout sessions. No more spending time alone without me. Okay?”“You swear?” Kenji says.“I swear.”“Thank God,” Warner says.“Same, bro. Same.”And I roll my eyes, irritated. This is the first thing they’ve managed to agree on in over a week: their mutual hatred of my hopes for their friendship.”
Tahereh Mafi,
[ "friendship", "funny", "juliette", "kenji", "restore-me", "restoreme", "tahereh-mafi", "warner" ]
“When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.”
Jennifer Crusie,
[ "feminist", "funny", "goodnight", "gwen" ]
“I pointed to a low bowl filled with what purported to be stew, but then Noah said, “Are you goingto point, or are you going to eat?”“I just like to know what I’m putting in my mouth before I swallow.”Noah arched an eyebrow, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
Michelle Hodkin,
[ "funny", "mistaken" ]
“I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.“I’ve got yours.”
Rachel Caine,
[ "claire-danvers", "eve-rosser", "funny", "ghost-town", "humor", "michael-glass", "morganville-vampires", "myrnin", "rachel-caine", "shane-collins", "vampire", "vampires" ]
“I laughed. It was just like Owen to make excuses for someone else’s shortcomings. Even fictional characters. Owen found my tendency to speak my mind “refreshingly honest,” and hailed Marc’s temper as “a deep protective instinct.” He said Ethan “thoroughly enjoyed life,” and that Parker “really knew how to have a good time.” According to Owen, we were all doing just fine, and all was right with the world.”
Rachel Vincent,
[ "funny" ]
“Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.”
Veronica Roth,
[ "funny", "real" ]
“Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree."You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you?" he asked."Huh?" replied Horace, not quite understanding. Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight.”
John Flanagan,
[ "funny" ]
“I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!”
Sharon Swan
[ "exit-ghost", "funny", "happiness", "happy", "humor" ]
“Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?”
Kiersten White,
[ "funny", "funny-humor", "hard-to-get" ]
“It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is hard to explain the wild flowers that one gardener calls weeds, and another considers beautiful ground cover.”
Shannon L. Alder
[ "all-different", "ancient-chinese-wisdom", "beliefs", "commandments", "complicated-people", "differences", "diversity", "flowers", "fortune-cookie-advice", "funny", "gardening", "ground-cover", "guidelines", "humor", "life", "messed-up-people", "observations", "observations-on-life", "opinions", "perspectives", "religion", "rules", "speculations", "truth", "values", "variations", "viewing-things-different", "way-of-life", "wildflowers" ]
“I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and my reactions. This certainly explains cafeteria food.”
Laurie Halse Anderson,
[ "funny" ]
“I wonder if my entire life will be a series of moments in which I realize I’m an idiot long after I can actually do anything about it. Will I ever feel like I know what I’m doing?”
Sabaa Tahir,
[ "elias", "funny", "relatable" ]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!”
Al Franken
[ "funny" ]
“You bitch!"Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?”
Rachel Vincent,
[ "funny" ]
“I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me.”
Jaye Wells,
[ "funny" ]
“It's a good thing Jack was no longer in my hands, because I would've pulled a full-on Kylo Ren temper tantrum.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "funny" ]
“Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.”
Shannon Hale,
[ "amusing", "funny" ]
“Nothing is impossible to kill. It's just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving”
Mira Grant,
[ "death", "funny", "possibilities", "shooting", "zombies" ]
“I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead”
Michael Summers,
[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]
“I should go in alone," Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official.""So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring.""You're standing on the roof of a train," Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out."Fine," he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long.”
Derek Landy,
[ "funny", "skulduggery" ]
“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson.""Lake and Palmer?""Ralph and Waldo.”
Louise Penny,
[ "civic-duty", "funny", "misattributed", "neighborliness", "ralph-waldo-emerson", "snow" ]
“I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.”
Gary Larson
[ "coffee", "funny", "humor", "inspirational" ]
“A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
[ "adage", "adages", "africa", "african", "aphorism", "aphorisms", "arrogance", "arrogant", "axiom", "axioms", "boyfriend", "boyfriends", "convince", "convinced", "convincing", "date", "dating", "deep", "deserve", "deserving", "dictum", "dictums", "epigram", "epigrams", "funny", "girlfriend", "girlfriends", "gnome", "gnomes", "humble", "humbled", "humility", "humor", "humorous", "humour", "husband", "husbands", "insightful", "made-me-think", "make-you-think", "maxim", "maxims", "partner", "partners", "persuade", "persuaded", "persuading", "philosopher", "profound", "proverb", "proverbs", "provoke-thought", "quotation", "quotations", "quote", "quote-of-the-day", "quotes", "relationship", "satire", "satirical", "saying", "sayings", "south-africa", "south-african", "thought-provoking", "thoughtful", "true", "wife", "wives" ]
“There wasn't a lot of bullshit in my heaven.”
Alice Sebold,
[ "afterlife", "funny", "life-quotes" ]
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
Demetri Martin
[ "comedian", "comedy", "demetri-martin", "fly", "funny", "humor", "ironic", "roommates" ]
“What kind of person doesn't let you have gummi bears?”
Libba Bray,
[ "food", "funny" ]
“Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”
Dave Barry
[ "funny", "writing" ]
“Hey, babe, can I sit here?” Elle turned her head and saw Nero standing there, holding a tray.　　Did he just really ask that, and did he just really call me ‘babe’?　　“Are you serious? Sit here?” Elle pointed to the chair beside her.　　“Yes, I was talking directly to you, wasn’t I?” Nero was definitely a smartass.　　“No, you clearly weren’t because my name isn’t ‘babe’. I bet you don’t even know my name. So, no, you cannot sit here, Nero.”
Sarah Brianne,
[ "funny" ]
“The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Joe Theismann
[ "funny", "stupid", "wow" ]
“Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month.Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek.Travis: You are a geek.”
Rick Riordan,
[ "banter", "funny", "twins" ]
“Here it comes," she said with an expression of pure bliss. "Drug rush ... any moment now ... the surge of warmth ... bye-bye, Mr. Pain...""Vee-""Knock, knock.""This is really important-""Knock, knock.""It's about Elliot-""Knock, knoooock," she said in a singsong voice. I sighed. "Who's there?""Boo.""Boo who?""Boo-hoo, somebody's crying, and it's not me!" She broke into hysterical laughter.”
Becca Fitzpatrick,
[ "becca-fitzpatrick", "funny", "hush-hush", "nora-and-vee", "nora-grey", "vee-sky" ]
“Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I´d imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and take them all out? Yah, not going to win me any fans.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout,
[ "alex", "funny" ]
“What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!”
Hunter S. Thompson,
[ "acid-trips", "crazy", "drugs", "funny", "random" ]
“He shrugged. “I have a stomach thing. Don’t get close.”“Well, now you’ve spoiled everything,” I said casually, working hard to fake it. “I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet.” I pointed. “Right there.”A joyless smile appeared on Jamie’s lips. “We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned lovetriangle.”That’s my Jamie.”
Michelle Hodkin
[ "friends", "funny" ]
“I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.”
Michael Summers,
[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]
“A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on," Malcolm pointed out. "Do you have any ideas about how we're going to handle that task?""Simple," Halt told him. "We'll surround them.”
John Flanagan,
[ "funny" ]
“I only snatched him to get your attention,” I said. “Now that I’ve got it, this is what I want.”“Damn my dame!” Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. “I knew it! Not another list!”
Kim Harrison,
[ "algaliarept", "funny", "rachel" ]
“The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.”
Criss Jami,
[ "compassion", "consideration", "consideration-of-others", "empathy", "funny", "funny-but-true", "hard", "hard-heart", "hard-hearted", "heart", "humor", "joy", "kindness", "love", "nice", "odd", "paradox", "patience", "patience-and-love", "pity", "selflessness", "sense-of-humor", "soft", "soft-heart", "soft-hearted", "strange", "sympathy", "weird" ]
“And you look beautiful," she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake.”
Andrea Cremer,
[ "funny", "nightshade" ]
“She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.”
C.C. Hunter,
[ "born-at-midnight", "funny" ]
“Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.”
Oprah Winfrey
[ "funny" ]
“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
Stephen Colbert
[ "funny", "humor" ]
“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”
David Frost
[ "depressed", "funny", "humour", "miserable" ]
“One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.”
Victor Borge
[ "borge", "fire", "fireplace", "funny", "humor", "humorous", "victor", "victor-borge" ]
“I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn't have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls.”
Haven Kimmel,
[ "funny", "sports" ]
“The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.”
David Sedaris,
[ "funny", "humor", "joke", "vindictive" ]