Datasets:

Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

like 9

I just don’t want to try anymore. I’ve been saying that and doing nothing for 5 months now. I’ve given up. I do wish I was better but I don’t want to do anything to get there. I’m just taking my meds and dreading everything. I’ve tried posting this a bunch but erase it cause it’s so redundant.

My boyfriend (m18) has recently been extremely worried about a mole on his arm being melanoma despite multiple doctors telling him he is safe. A dermatologist appointment has even been made to comfort his worries for next week. The mole is a small normal atypical mole. But he is extremely paranoid about it and has borderline obsessive thoughts and worries about it. He is searching melanoma all day and making his thoughts worse. It is beginning to make me suspect it may be a delusion as he hasn’t been taking meds recently and because of his obsessive behavior about it. Even seeing some signs in Bob Marleys music. And signs in dates or things of religion. We are contacting his psychiatrist of course but does anyone have thoughts or similar experiences? Thank you, A very worried significant other.

I got my depression diagnosis almost a year ago now, but I’ve been dealing with it for years now. Everything always just seemed to work out and last minute panic would set in, but I think I’ve finally lost that. I’m two weeks away from ending my fall semester of junior year, and I’m failing the only in-major course I’m taking. I’ve gone to maybe two weeks worth of classes within the past three months and everything just feels so impossible. I’ve called the crisis line my campus offers four times this semester when I’ve never done it before. I’ve missed four weeks of research meetings that I’m getting class credit for, I’ve not been able to go to my job (that I love) in ages, and I have to get my mom to FaceTime me every morning just to make sure I take my meds. I just feel like my whole world is falling apart right now. I was salutatorian in high school, I got an academic scholarship to be here that I’m going to lose after this semester’s GPA hit comes in, and I’ve always been the one that gets involved in too many things because it’s all too exciting. But nothing is exciting anymore. I cant even get out of bed when I need to pee so I hold it past when it begins to physically hurt. I feel like I’ll never climb out of this rut because there’s so many people I have to apologize to when I do, which makes it so much worse. I’ve been considering hospitalization for a while, but with my university that would mean taking an entire year off and I would miss a couple of things that I’m genuinely looking forward to when things aren’t at their worst, like a study abroad trip, a class that combines all my interests, and even my ring dance. Not to mention the financial strain. I’m just so at a loss for what to do and it’s crushing me. Any suggestions?

I got it for the purpose of using it as a deodorant. But an hour later I feel very relaxed. I looked it up and it said that topical magnesium on the armpits is best for absorption vs regular supplements. Maybe this would help some of you. Has anyone else experienced this?

Looking back, all of my episodes were symptoms of BPD — but I thought they were just normal reactions to rejection, heartbreak. All of my impulsive activities seemed like normal rebellious rites of passage. My episode yesterday was a reaction to not being texted back after a great date — but I think it was exacerbated by being aware for the first time & having to confront this diagnosis. I’m very, very tired. Drinking water. I feel defeated.

I found ever since the pandemic started I went into survival mode and anxiety of course skyrocketed. I followed all guidelines and I was a super respectable of public health measures. I feel like with all of the talks surround Covid as an endemic I don't even know how I will be able to function in society anymore. Some places have been slack with measures but my hometown has had alert level changes and lockdowns consistently due to population sizes and mask mandates. I feel like if Covid were to end and no masks were needed and no physical distancing was required I don't even know how I would function or if I could trust it? I hope my perspective makes sense it's a little discouraging mentally to even think like this but i've finally built a routine and safe practices that make me feel protected and the thought of it changes drastically just makes me feel so lost.

I have a handful of people I could maybe call friends but deep down, they feel more like acquaintences to me. As a person, I care for others deeply so much that it hurts when they leave for one reason or another. I think I started to distance myself from others because this has happened to me a few times already. I felt like I was just not good enough to be around them and that this was punishment for being lazy and dumb. I feel like this is justified for so so long. Then came the beginning of my last year in college before I graduate with no job lined up for me. However, I was willing to work harder this year to get somewhere and not get left behind. I made more friends in my new classes and started to be more outgoing. We were going to work together and create something that was going to help us create a better future for all of us. I was really excited and happy to help everyone out. At least, that's what I thought. Today is my birthday and the day I turn 21. Today is also the day where all my friends who I tried to make earlier left and ghosted me for groups who offered better assets. I ws the only one left without a group today. Today, I'll be left alone with these thoughts haunting me, how useless I am that I would even think that I could be happy. This was my punishment for being ambitious and motivated for even a second of my useless life. I thought I could be someone better. I was wrong. I hoped and cared too much and and now I will suffer the justified consequences. I should have never tried to make friends. I was meant to be alone, useless, stupid, homeless, maybe dead in a ditch where no one can find me. My heart is shattered. I don't think I can find it within myself to look for "happiness" anymore.

21F. So i have OCD and ADHD. My OCD gives me super dark thoughts and i am also very uncomfortable with physical touch. I know reassurance seeking is bad for OCD but i could really use some outside perspective for what happened. TW: this might get graphic. So few days ago my friends and i were travelling by car and this friend of mine i let her sit on my lap. Now she sat so weirdly on me. Her private parts were touching mine i felt. But i didn't have a problem cus it was comfortable. However i was laughing at some joke when i felt my clit vibrate because of thje pressure and me laughing. So i freaked out and controlled laughing. I tried to laugh and see again and i felt like my clit was vibrating touching her. At that point i thought i should tell her to sit properly cus wtf. However i didn't do it and tried to ignore the feeling and thought. However at one point i felt my clit grinding against her i felt like i was purposely grinding against her and i really freaked out a little and i stopped grinding and i thought i molested her. I didn't think much of it at the time. Later when i got back home i had a panic attack. And i really felt i was going to die. Do you think i molested her? She didn't say anything that implied that i molested her. I commented on how she sits so comfortably on people's laps and she said she doesn't like it but just does it cus she is the lightest. While going home she came back to sit on my lap. Maybe i didn't grind that obviously or maybe i was just gaining pleasure my vibrating my clit. I don't know. I am sure i didn't like how i felt consciously atleast. I remember being sure i molested her tho. What do you think? She is very normal with me even today. So i don't know.

I’m one week in and I’m still sleeping 12 hours a night and feeling irritable like I am when I am depressed. Taking 1.5 mg a day.

Once I get anxious, then I find other scary things to think, and then they just pile up and make me more anxious.. I hate feeling anxious, can’t eat, can’t drink, feel scared, heart beats fast, I get hot fast, and I can’t really think straight without thoughts popping up all the time :/ I feel horrible

Literally the worst. I ping pong between all 3 seeking validation. One is my boss, one is a past partner of…sorts, and one is my ex-husband (divorced in February). All unavailable and unhealthy. My ex-husband and I are still friends and he’s there for me when he can be and tells me he loves me, but has no romantic feelings. I’m tired of not having a sense of self and using men to try to fill that in. I need them to feel worthy and like a person worth having and being around and a good person. Literally need it. I cannot feel that way on my own. I’m struggling because with my recent divorce, I feel alone and replaced (husband is seeing someone). Then his gf, who has never even met my children yet, posts how she will always be there for them and holds them in her heart. And the same night my daughter cries and asks me why I can’t be more like her dad. (Because I lost my temper with her, but he does the same thing!) So then I think about when he does introduce a step mom to them one day how they probably won’t want me because I’m not a very good mom. I feel unwanted everywhere and alone. And I’m tired of this disorder and relying on what little morsels of attention I get from these men. I honestly get worse and worse as I age, (I’m 36), and I’m tired of fighting my brain.

I work so hard to make others happy but then I feel annoying. I always second guess myself when I think people are paying attention to me. And even if they are I feel like I’m wasting their time

My therapist thinks I have PTSD and I was diagnosed depression by my doctor. So I don’t know, I open up more to my therapist than my doctor. I have flashbacks of my bad childhood and severe anxiety even when interacting virtually, unwanted thoughts; disturbing thoughts, not wanting to hang with even close friends and just not interested. Trembling as well. I am depressed but I feel so conflicted when a person says to me: “Why do you LOOK so depressed?”. And that person already knows I am depressed yet continues to ask me for some reason, they asked me in hallway at school where a lot of people could hear. I could be making it a big deal but it is a big deal for me. I don’t know what to say when they ask me that, they also tell me I received bad genes, I play it off cool and laugh. I feel more hurt because I’m born from my parents, it’s like theyre insulting my parents. They also smacked me on head really hard while walking in school. I instinctively hit them back and the person fell, I remember being really upset and just unwanted thoughts pouring in my head. I felt dizzy and sick later. I play it calm and cool but internally I’m just having disturbing thoughts like wanting to do this and that to the person, I feel ecstatic when thinking like that and then I feel so guilty and sad because even if they insult, they still have their life and it’s theirs. I sometimes end up thinking about it and end up crying for a few minutes before stopping and just staring off somewhere, I stop crying as if I never cried and enjoy my day. I also think it’s because of my eye bag that makes me look depressed, it’s just the “why do you look depressed” makes me furious. I didn’t tell the school because I believe it’s just a small deal in general and I, me, being dramatic. Sometimes people tell me things will get better and me being me, I get my hopes up and believe it will but it doesn’t no matter the number of people that told me it will, no matter how much the pastor prayed I will. After time I grew sick of hearing that it’ll get better, I felt sad and then angry. I even left behind the desperate young me who wanted affection and someone by my side, it was unintentional. I was so stressed and felt hopeless. I decided to join Reddit and share my thoughts. Feel free to share your experiences below and virtual hugs needed at this moment, a virtual hug is enough.

We were dating for four years and I’ve always been aware there was something not quite right with me, but discussing feelings / mental health was not normal growing up. I’m starting my path of healing and recovery from childhood trauma. My past breakups haven’t been great, I usually become very depressed and want to harm myself. I don’t want to give in to these thoughts and don’t want to be a burden to my ex, who I should really let be. What are some ways to distract yourself / keep busy away from negative thoughts? Also, how have your own journeys and healing look like? I have reached out to a psychiatrist and want to continue weekly therapy.

That was like 8 FP’s ago, and I’m still dying, bruh.

Does anyone struggle with water retention when taking tricyclic meds such as amitriptyline with Zoloft? I find myself trying not to take them because my legs hold so much fluid it becomes painful to walk/run which actually helps my symptoms. But this then means I’m prone to an episode, and I can’t win! I’ve asked the doctor for diuretics to prevent this but they’ve said no. Any tips on how to reduce this? Or do I need to try something completely different? If so what, feel like I’ve made my way through the book! I live with bipolar compulsive disorder and fully committed to absolutely anything I can do to prevent episodes. I have a list of “red flags” that tell me to slow down, exercise, eat healthy, sleep more, re centre and rebalance. It doesn’t stop it completely but it does make episodes more infrequent, less intense and shorter.

Me and some friends of mine have a strong belief that the world definitely changed in 2012. Like there was a shift in consciousness. In a way, the world ended and now we’re left with this pathetic shell of a world where strange things just happen each day and since we are so used to them, it’s becoming more and more weirder but we as a species is completely numb and immune to this.

I'm not exactly where I should post this but I feel like this is a safe place. My husband has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Looking back I can see the signs but it didn't get bad until he was prescribed cymbalta by his doctor for his anxiety. This caused him to be in a constant state of mania. Anyways, he's been going to his psychiatrist for six months and I've been emailing her about his behavior because most of the time I feel helpless. She has gotten him off cymbalta and he's better but he's still off. He's at the cusp and I've sent her things I believe warrants an increase in his medication. She does go over the emails with my husband at his appointments. He's signed the hippa form so she can discuss his sessions with me. Not that she does. She won't increase his medication, although he's posted (and I've sent screenshots through email to her) about violence regarding the overturning Roe v Wade. Suggesting stabbing people with hangers.... Anyways, we've been married 16 years and dated for 3 years. So I know this isn't him. Not his typical behavior. One of the main issues, he became obsessed with Sasha Grey. Even trying to get a job where she works... Also, delusions that people are talking to him through their Facebook posts. Even tho he's not posted or mentioned and it has nothing to do with him. She put him on vraylar for that but I still think he's had delusions but he's learned to keep it to himself. I've told her this and she just ignores me. Anyways, I sent the psychiatrist an email asking when he'll have clarity. He knows the delusions and Sasha Grey are wrong but only because we've told him so. So I asked when he'll see why it's wrong for himself and realize how he's behaving.... Well, according to my husband, she suggested I keep bringing up the Sasha Grey thing because I'm looking for reasons to get mad too get a divorce. WTF?!?! Why would I stick by him and deal with this to get him mentally healthy if I just want a divorce? Wouldn't it benefit in the divorce for him to mental ill. It would get me more child custody. I just want him to be mentally healthy for our small family (me and our son) and this woman puts these thoughts in his head. And he said she's the one that suggested it. And since he's not where he needs to be mentally, he doesn't see why he needs to switch psychiatrists. Keep in mind, she was going to send him on his merry way and only see him once every two months until I told her about the delusions.... So she's not really getting down to anything, I'm having to inform her. She doesn't take insurance so I have to do the paperwork to get reimbursed and she's in the practice by herself. I think both of these speak volumes. That insurance or other practitioners want to associate with her. And I'm not sure if she's a psychiatrist or a nurse practitioner.

25M here, recently I got my diagnosis with BPD, long term depression and social anxiety, with a beautiful side dish of narcissism. I moved to a small town after uni, gradually lost touch with lots old friends, contact and support apparatus. I'm a hotel GM helping managing two other properties remotely. It's practically the first job I've had so the stress is definitely there; and my BPD and narcissism hinders my decision making around almost every corner. I don't know what's right or wrong, fake or real anymore; neither does I know how I should behave because well, I don't know who the fuck I am anymore...This constant war in my head and the exterior pressure is wearing me down. I have no social life and is drowned in drinks n weed just to get by... I'm not seeing any hope, just moping forward with the emptiness inside, and waiting for the day that one of these things knock me out for good...

i’ve done therapy for like 5 years and stopped in like 2020 and i’ve been kinda going on and off therapy since then, mostly i’ve just focused on going to my psychiatrist and keeping my meds on check. i guess the reason i stopped going to therapy is because it didn’t feel effective anymore, like to really resolve things i’d have to get into parts of my life i wasn’t comfortable in talking abt. so it didn’t make sense to keep doing it. i am now in college and struggling a lot with my depression/ anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so my bf ended up convincing me to go to a therapist in my college (i’m in the US and have no health insurance so that’s rly my only option). i scheduled a consultation for tomorrow, but now i’m rly hesitant to go. what is there to say that won’t get the therapist to try to hospitalize me? cuz ik if i talk about how bad my sh has gotten and how much i’ve been thinking about suicide, they’ll just want to hospitalize me- which is just not an option for me. i’ve been also kinda living in a haze and idek what i would say. idk, does anyone feel like at some point there’s nothing more to say? in therapy but also just to anyone- i feel so alone in my mental illness and i just can’t open up and even if i could, as i had before, i feel like it’d be effort thrown out the window, bc i’m never rly listened to. idk.. i rly feel a different kind of hopeless at this point, like life is moving past me and i don’t know how to catch on… yea idk

I'm a premed student in my second year of college and I hate everything about my life. My parents have always raised me supportively but I keep disappointing them and mainly myself. I'm not the best in school and I constantly feel like a bad daughter. My dad takes out all of his anger on my mother (he doesn't hit her but he gets verbally angry a lot) because I think he knows that I wouldn't be able to take it if he took it out on me. I'm weak. Very weak. I can't do what I want to do because I know that it won't make me money and I'm used to a lavish lifestyle. My dad instilled in me that money is the most important thing in the world and honestly I agree. They never told me to be a doctor but I know it would disappoint them if I became something else. But I hate it. I can't do it and I don't have the heart to tell them I can't do it. I sit in my room every night crying because I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life in misery if I even get to live it out before I end it. This is not a suicide note. I do not want to kill myself, but sometimes I feel like I have no other way out. I feel selfish because I got the better end of the stick in life. I'm from an immigrant family but I am very privileged. But I genuinely cannot deal with my life anymore. I'm scared for myself and I don't know what to do. I'm scared about everything. I need help.

Like, am I the only one that feels like no matter what I do, I do not matter to anyone? I feel like an NPC or a background character in peoples lives and the only time I matter is when I’m going above and beyond for my friends in a way that they wouldn’t for me. I know as bpd we shouldn’t do that, but it’s literally the only way to even have someone in your life for a moment. Then when you stop, they stop caring, or never even cared? It seems like other people have a whirlwind of friends and support but I can only get support on my art from strangers. People I know like to write me off immediately.

Shortly after falling asleep every night I wake up with these symptoms. Trembling in ribs and legs, mental confusion, racing heart, & shortness of breath. I’ll be fine before I fall asleep, and still wake up like this shortly after. Hard to tell myself it’s okay when all of that is happening /:

Today I don't feel as much anxiety as I did yesterday but im still thinking about my body every second. there's lots of pressure in my head (been like this for 2 weeks now) I keep hearing noises that sound like either my head is cracking or sounds similar to air leaving a balloon in my ears I keep having to move around my sofa

I feel mentally out of it most of the time. It feels like I can barely see, I’m always dizzy and have this faint feeling. I physically feel like I’m going to just drop dead and it triggers me. I’ve been having anxiety and panic attacks for a while so it could just be a product of that but it’s still impossible to ignore that basically 24/7 I feel like I’m barely even here mentally and physically.

I have a long distance boyfriend of 8 months who I was very upfront and honest with about my BP from the very beginning of our relationship. He hasn't had much experience with BP, other than his ex girlfriends who both had depression. When he told me that he didn't know much about it, I suggested to him that he should read about the problem so that he has a better understanding of how things can be for me. This way he will know what is going on with me, rather than me not telling him what my problem is. Well, I suggested this to him multiple times. Once being before I had finally opened up to him about how I truly felt, or what my life is like at times with my disorder, and rather than have any real understanding about it, he distanced himself from me for months, lied to me when I asked him if things were okay between us (he had doubts on whether or not he could handle it) , and didn't tell me until another 3 months later what the problem was. I was really hurt by this. We got into arguments, and I almost broke up with him but decided to give him another chance that he had asked for. He told me that he fully recognized that what he did was wrong. I told him after our last big argument that he really needs to become more familiar with it so that he can avoid being in shock over when my moods suddenly drop. Fast forward, two months have went by, and I had asked him if he had looked into anything about my problem out of curiosity. His response was "a little bit", but that he "thinks" that he can handle it. Well, this REALLY bothered me. I told him how I felt like it's as if he just can't be bothered, and that it was shocking that we have been at the relationship for 8 months, and he -still- really hasn't learned a thing about it. I told him that honestly, if he had looked into it sooner, that we could have avoided a whole plague of problems. If he had been a little bit more prepared or familiar with it, then I wouldn't have gotten neglected or avoided some months back. I could have avoided feeling like absolute crap, because when he did that to me after opening up to him it hurt like hell. Maybe I'm wrong for this, but I feel terrible. I do not feel like this is normal at all, to just not be bothered to care about something that you know affects your partner on a daily basis. Would you stay with this person? I feel like I want to leave him, but I'm not sure if I'm wrong or that I'm putting too much expectation on him about it.

Hi. Im new in this subreddit. Im a 30 something male from Germany who has a lot of mental health problems, as well as physical health problems. Mentally I have a history of psychosis, mania, anxiety and depression. The last two are the most dominant. Currently Im trying to eat differently, because I think/hope that I might have celiacs disease or at least a sensitivity to gluten. I didn't get a diagnosis before starting the new diet, because I was basically too sick to go to the doctor. Anyways, I have been isolating myself for years now. For over a decade, actually. I have lost all of my former "friends" and now basically have nobody to talk to, aside from a family member with whom I don't get along all that well. I downloaded a voice chat app today to maybe find people to talk to, but when I entered it I was overcome by fear. A fear of judgment and rejection, I guess. I also asked myself how I could find people like me or at least people with whom I could have good conversations. There was an option to make groups. Of course I didn't see a group for people with mental health issues. I thought about making a group, but this wasnt a serious thought, because of my aforementioned fears. I also clicked on a group and it said "No psychotic idiots"...literally. I notice that I might find it a lot easier to talk here than in other places. Maybe because this is a mental illness group. In the past Ive had trouble opening up to people after actually being too open in therapy before that. But if I share nothing about myself I may very well be forever alone. I don't know. Thanks for reading. I might delete this post at a later stage (if that's possible) or ask for deletion, if I don't feel comfortable with it being online. Also I might not answer comments, should there be any. Socializing has become incredibly difficult for me. It used to be very important to me, but that was when I was feeling better over a decade ago.

Iv been sitting on the sofa for a total of 1 hour iv hit every emotion possible and the last one came to me in the form of death. I decided to rewind the whole hour and analysed it.. this is what happened.... I thought why the hell am I having a bad moment out of just sitting here, I thought about the deep worry/anxiety inside that I can’t shake then I thought.. what does everyone around me think?? they can’t feel this pit of emotions, or do they?? Can they feel it spiritually... my cat definitely feels it ( she looks how I feel), people are always telling me to smile or commenting on my resting bitch face...what does my 3 year old think when I don’t respond to her but look moody or sad. I catch myself staring and realise how much it takes out of me to fake my smiles and interests with people then think... oh shit Iv been in this spiral for days now that’s so sad. Then think what would it be like to just feel nothing not worry about nothing no bills no guilt no nothing ... I started thinking of the relief of death. This starts another cycle in my head called psychological distancing .... oh shae, I feel your pain, I’m here for me, I got me, infact how dare me think about me’s death... fuck me iv got to be strong. Nothing wrong with me.... you know what I mean ugh just leave me alone...Does anyone else get stuck in this loop?

I (23F) and my BF (25) have been together for a little over a year and we were friends before that. We are living together since quarantine and we enjoy eachother's company and have a lot of fun together but... The problem is that I noticed my BF embodies very specific characteristic traits that I hate. His mindset and worldview annoys me a lot because I believe he carries narcissistic traits and everything he says sounds like bragging. I don't think I need to list every single thing that bothers me but long story short if he were someone else, I'd definitely hate him. Tbh I don't think I ever loved him, not even at the beginning, I was just infatuated by his intelligence and ego. My theory is that I am used to having him around and I'm okay with how my lige is right now that I just play along. I firmly believe I'm staying with him out of habit and because I don't want him to be with someone else. Here comes another thing that I know makes no sense and is stupid: I can't fathom the idea of him being with someone else. I want him to be around me so I know what he is doing or how annoyingly egoistic he is being. I don't want to lose the control I have over him. I know this is a sick thought but this is one of the only ways I can rationalize my hate towards him. The other is, he lied to me countless times during our relationship. The hate increased after I learned about the lies and I fear it has come to a point where I just want to stick with him so that he spends all his life in regret. The anger probably turned itself to hating him but I don't know what to do because I'm not satisfied with the level of sadness and regret he expressed about the lies. I almost want him to be sadder than he is. We occasionally fight about the lies when I remember them but other than that we are okay. It's not really \*hating him\* but irritation. Almost everything significant about him bothers me a lot. I don't understand my reaction because it feels irrational. I can't decide if this is my BPD messing me up or if all this is normal. Everytime I bring up the lies he says that I should've moved on by now so I'm now questioning my reactions and their rationality too. Everything feels such a mess. Pls any thoughts or suggestions or similar stories are appreciated, thank you all so so much for being here <3 TL;DR: after learning about my BF's many lies, my irritation increased and now I notice that he has many many characteristic traits that I hate. I believe he has narcissistic tendencies and his ego annoys me so much. I feel like I'm only staying with him because we have a stable life and I don't want a big change. And also maybe to see his regret because of all the lies. Long story short, I'm stressed and don't know what to do.

If I didn’t tick sooo many boxes I probably would have brushed it off as ‘not me’. The more I read/watched and learned... the less I was able to ignore it. And now I can’t unsee the truth. For years I questioned if I was a mild case bipolar, but it didn’t quite fit... I think my father has it too, but he’d never admit it... Now everything over the past decade (/two decades) just makes sense. Anyway I’m thinking of getting a therapist, but soo expensive! Simply acknowledging it has me more self aware than ever .... I’m going through an endless flood of oh wow that’s why moments right now...

38 y/o female, a few days out of an inpatient fiasco. Previously diagnosed as Bipolar II, PTSD, with a side of anxiety. Once, long ago, it was floated that I might be borderline. I scoffed at the idea. Again, it has been brought up. I'm taking it a little more seriously this time around. The lack of identity. The desire to be special and better and perfect, and if I can't be, then what is the point? The rage. The jealousy. The reactive ability to be destroyed by rejection. It all fits, and I'm finally on my knees. It's like I woke up this spring out of a dream, my youth and future gone. All of a sudden I'm a middle aged lady and I have no freaking idea who I am. Let me tell you, it's been a serious kick to the gut. I'm sure a few of you can relate. Over the course of my life, I've attempted to get a college degree with no success. I have, however, successfully racked up a significant amount of debt and done some major damage to my academic record. It's not that I don't have the skills to achieve my academic goals, but I simply failed to apply myself when I was in college. I was far too busy chasing social acceptance rather than sticking my nose in books. I've been out of school for a long time now as well, and I doubt I've retained very much of what I did learn. All my life it's been about being prettier, wittier, more loved. I tried to be whoever was needed at the time, and lost any semblance of personal identity along the way. OK, I get it. Find myself. I've been in therapy for years, though it wasn't addressing BPD. My therapist and I were working on personal acceptance, and I think it helped to an extent. Even so, I recognize now that I need to become independent, less fear based. For a long time I've been asking myself what I want, what I would like to do, and I'm no closer to an answer than when I started. Every time I feel like I'm approaching a plausible career path, I see nothing but obstacles. The wrecked academic record, cost/benefit analysis of potential accrued debt if I do go back to school, no guarantee of a decent job once I get out (IF I even figure out what the hell I want to do, and I'm still not even remotely close to an answer)... So how? Are there any success stories out there, people like me who didn't catch on to their particular reason for a hellish existence until later in life, with very little in the way of a foundation for success built up around them, who managed to turn things around in the third quarter of the ballgame? I feel like even if I do everything right, there will always be applicants that have employment histories without giant gaps, academic records that are solid instead of filled with incompletes, retaken courses, and the random failed class here and there... Or, am I destined to be stuck in the minimum wage rut forever? I don't know if I can stand working 40 hours a week just to pay rent, buy groceries, get the necessities. The longest I've ever held a job was a matter of months before I spazzed out; the monotony of drudge work always allowed my brain to spiral uncontrollably and I started thinking of ways to ruin my co-workers, because HOW DARE THEY BE HAPPY AT WORK. Rather than wreck them, I inevitably wrecked myself. I am in the process of searching for a DBT therapist, but I'm in the middle of nowhere. Looks like the closest is about a 2.5 hour drive from me, so I'm not sure that's feasible. I've been working on mindfulness and have been utilizing the headspace app. I've been exposed to a metric crapton of experiences throughout this scattered life of mine, and nothing has kept my attention for very long. I honestly didn't think I'd live to see 40, so I saw no point on planning for a future. I don't know where to go from here. For now, I am living with my mom. I can stay here forever, I suppose, and hide from the world, though I know that will just lead to more depression and self-loathing. I've been here since my last failed attempt at college, which was seven years ago. We're codependent as hell. Good times. TL;DR: I have no idea who I am and I'm terrified of the future. I feel like it's too late to turn my life around.

I don't know why i feel so anxious around them and i close myself off. If only they got to know me... i just tag along usually and don't say much. can't take catch up to their conversations either. all i do every time i see them is all how their day's been and all they do is answer "pretty good" and that's kind of the end of the conversation i feel like i ruined my first impressions and I've missed out on this friend group i do have other friends who I'm comfortable with but i just feel so shitty. its so hard to come by someone who's "compatible"

My wife was diagnosed with BPD a while back and now 11 months into the marriage its becoming unbearable. I have been getting angry really fast the past couple of weeks which has led to many fights including one this morning before i left for work. My own mental health has gone to shit to a point where I cry almost everyday. I want a divorce but at the same time I want to help her through this. But one thing I know for sure is that I cant live like this anymore. I was always a really rationals guy, I did get angry but never this fast and now I just explode over the smallest of things. I dont know how long before something bad happens and I dont want to live like this anymore. Please give me some advice.

I really feel pathetic. I'm 19. I have terrible anxiety and I'm so mad at myself for making such a stupid mistake. Like, I noticed moments after the man left with the bag. Turns out I had switched it with one on the counter while I was emptying the drawer to look for it. What's worse is that I made this mistake last week too and got in big trouble. I just don't know what to do. I went and took my break, texted my mom to pick me up, and then I texted my manager saying that I threw up suddenly and decided to go home. I'm scared. I wish I had it in me to do the right thing, but I was really scared. I don't know why I'm so prone to making such dumb mistakes. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I lied.

sometimes I feel okay about staying home and sometimes my partner deigns to hang out with me but no one else wants to, my partner spends more time on their 'secondary' partner because they have money and I don't. I split and unfriended on everyone months ago and I was in a shitty enough spiral that people weren't even trying to connect with me at the time anyway. The few people that do talk to me are too busy with everything else in their life. God I just want to string a few days of high functioning together so I can at least attempt to connect with people.

I've had a few rough weeks and crying everyday. Every time I feel that I'm not loved enough or something is wrong with me i go crying to my boyfriend. He told me today that he wants to help but doesnt know how, and in general is worried that I'm never going to be happy wherever we go (we were considering moving to Florida with his family). I want him to know that I AM happy with him, it's just every little thing makes me emotional. But I know that's not good enough. God I'm worried I'm going to lose him if I dont start accepting these things, make myself happier. I need to start accepting myself, my job and circumstances, and make myself deal with these things. I just dont know where to start and what to do when I do feel this way, how does radical acceptance even work? Idk if that's even the skill I'm looking for, but I need to work on something.

Hi, diagnosed bipolar. Was considered BP2 through my school counseling, but new psychiatrist and new therapist think I may be BP1 instead. Who knows. 🤷‍♀️ Question here, my personal anecdotal below. I get random but intense fits of sobbing. It usually lasts around 10 minutes. I can't Do anything but fall to the floor and cry, reasonless, and then it slowly clears and I'm fine. If a little tired, and my heart will ache for a few hours. I also get random intense happiness, according to my partner, and then drop back to a neutral state after several minutes. This happen with anyone else? I'm not sure that it's cyclothymia because it's literally 20 minutes or less everytime, but it's just so intense it interrupts everything (like work or a date or whatever else) for a bit. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> I'm on 200mg lamictal. Pulled me out of a bad suicidal episode. Was previously on seroquel and trazadone. More recently on prazosin, 5mg for insane nightmared and hallucinations. Helped but my blood pressure got so low I couldn't walk and needed IV after dropping a med with side effect of increasing blood pressure. Now I'm on 2mg trying to go up again. I've had better overall moods, and much longer lasting feelings of stability. A little less obsessive and impulsive as well. I've considered increasing the lamotrigine? I'm not sure. I used to call my bad moods (before knowing about bipolar) 'funks'. I could just wake up and tell they were happening. Outside of that has been these crying episodes. Also down in frequency but clearly I've just had one and came on reddit lol <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> TLDR short episodes of intense sobbing occasionally (less now with lamotrigine) a symptom of bipolar (besides the longer mood swings) or cyclothymia or something else? Normal?

I have found, in my lowest times, like weeks of relentless negativity towards myself I start trying to coach or mentor myself. In the past six months, I have noticed I have progressively begun taking on the persona of Gordon Ramsay in my inner monologue, like Gordon Ramsay 2007 - 2014 Kitchen Nightmares when he has to give tough love to the owners of a failing restaurant. The oddest thing is it totally works, if I neglected something like dusting off my desk, I say to myself mentally “Oh you dirty F\*\*ker” in that voice and then laugh about it, it’s like I can be super critical of myself and cheer up about it and move on. My only concern is I don’t know if this is a sign of something bad, I’ve been a full-time college student and have gotten away with trading stocks to pay for school, I don’t really leave the house and have been doing this for almost three years straight, even before the pandemic. In a weird way, I wish I could thank Gordon.

I see no purpose for my existence. I'm not a very social person, I'm not good at comforting people, I'm just average at university, I don't have any ✨passion✨. Why am I even in this place? Sometime I pass the street and wish a drunk driver would just run over me accidentally. I'm not even strong enough to end it myself. And I'm also not depressed enough to get any help, I'm not even diagnosed with anything. I'm just a useless, pointless bag of cells and I hate myself and my life. I've been given the best head start in life. Born into a relatively wealthy family in a western european country that has been politically stable for all my life (we'll see how that goes now) and yet I have done nothungwith the opportunities I've been given because I'm a visionless, useless piece of garbage. Someone else should've taken my place. Someone with a purpose. I'm just wasting this space on earth.

This is the one thing that ruins almost every relationship I'm in and it's something I have never been able to get over. I can't handle the thought of my boyfriend texting other girl friends, liking attractive women's posts on instagram. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't wanna care anymore. He is an amazing person but for some reason I can't handle it

Please check out my video in which I share my story of my anxiety and how I learned to not make coping with anxiety a habit. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS3DHnEF9ZY&t=20s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS3DHnEF9ZY&t=20s) I woke up one day and realized that coping with my pain was a habit. I would have anxiety, and I would automatically cope by eating a bag of potato chips. I realized that coping became my habit. I got tired of coping with pain. I became tired of coping with my problems all the time. I woke up, and I realized I just wanted to live. I got tired of the story that I told myself. I was tired of feeling like I was a damaged person. I woke up, and I didn’t want to feel that weight anymore. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be at peace. Over time, I realized that I am not a victim anymore and that I can create my future. I am the creator of my life experience. I want you to feel that way too. This video will help assist you with transforming your life and creating the life that YOU want to live. Suggestions/Video Summary: 1. Are you coping? You may not be coping and not even realize it. I literally had this realization one day. 2. Practice choosing to be happy right now in the present moment. 3. It’s ok not to be ready.

About two years ago I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder after a suicide attempt and about 6 months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. I thought these new meds would help and they have with some things but It still feels like and seems like I’m not mentally well. All day everyday I fantasize about killing my self. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t fantasize about hurting myself and killing myself. I purposely do things such as walk into the middle of the street without checking for cars in order to hurt myself. I also have this weird thing where sometimes I’m convinced that I’m actually a genius and just no one appreciated my genius and that somehow I have special powers or something that other people don’t. Sometimes my self esteem is super inflated and other times I’m suicidal because I’m so worthless. But then I’m right back to having a super inflated self esteem. Things like this have been bothering me lately, it’s a lot worse lately and I’m wondering if there’s something else wrong with me or are these just symptoms of my currently diagnosed mental illnesses.

The whole situation of being left on read or needing to walk away from a conversation without having the last word is so difficult for me. It agitates me so much, and I know it’s ridiculous, so how do you deal with it? I just wanna be able to shrug that stuff off or leave a conversation without having the last word. I just can’t help myself. Anyone relate/can help me? Thanks in advance 💖

Note: This is a rant directed at people I would briefly spend time with online. I'd grown quite attached to this community, I fell for all the sweet talk and I thought I was important to them. I'm hurt, I'm kind of lost and I need to vent my frustration. I posted a very similar rant somewhere else. ---...--- Joining a safe space for people with BPD seemed like a good idea at first. I had noone else to talk to, my SO's head was about to explode from me constantly talking about my condition (BPD, BDD, *maybe* ADHD) and I had questions I needed answers to. By all means, this was a win win situation. Over the course of months, I'd check in with the Discord people, chat about stuff and give my own opinion. I'd start getting some friends there, they'd say how they appreciated me talking to them in their time of need and how I'd changed their outlook on life. This was until I wasn't useful anymore. When I didn't fit their American ideal anymore - when I revealed the age gap / age of consent of my relationship. When I *politely* protested against religion that took so much from me. Suddenly I didn't know what I was talking about. Suddenly I was a freak and my responses were stupid. Suddenly it was funny how misguided I was. "Religion can be a fundamental part of someone's identity." Well so can atheism and it's various offshoots. You don't even need to be an atheist or a non-religious person, you can just be someone critical of religion. I'm happy I'm getting the help I need to realise what a twisted philosophy of self-sacrifice has done to my brain. Why is there a channel for spirituality on your Discord but a channel for atheism is such a revolting idea? Why do you let people laugh at me publically? Why is someone I regarded as my own *friend* denying me a place and instead telling me my experiences would trigger people when some have said so much worse? "Just use a venting channel." You have a spirituality channel. You have an LGBTQ+ channel. These people deserved their own space, and rightfully so. But the moment you disagree with my experiences, I and other people in your community don't deserve their own safe space? I feel invalidated. I feel silenced. When I was feeling this way, split and wanted to leave, all you did was DM me saying "This isn't about you wanting to vent about religion, is it?" Saying sexism and racism is born from atheism? How does that even make any logical sense whatsoever? It doesn't, you just like standing on an imaginary moral high ground. You disgust me. You all disgust me. I'd rather be alone than go to another BPD space with the same flaws. And you, of all people, did this. You're supposed to know better as people with BPD who were broken and abandoned for something you couldn't and didn't need to control - now you don't care. If you did, I'd know. But it's my own fault, isn't it? That's how you're going to justify this to yourselves.

Hey y’all! I’ve been trying my best to deal with anxiety for the past few months. Occasionally, I will get this sharp shooting pain on the top of my head and the back of my head. It literally lasts just a second but it honestly makes me anxious and I was wondering if y’all get these too? I know anxiety causes “brain zaps” but from what i heard most of the time these zaps are not painful at all. Let me know! 🤙🏻 Edit: I DO NOT TAKE ANY MEDS NO SSRI OR BENZOS

finally run away all my friends now theyve all either blocked me, unadded me, or are making vagueposts about me haha it never gets better does it

Me and my Fp that I’m in a relationship with had a really bad argument last night due to me blowing things out of proportion always and not respecting her boundaries . Later on we talked about what happened and I tried to stay calm and not explode even if she wanted to break up due to me always fucking up, she ended up telling me she wanted space for now and it’s been almost 2 hours and she’s not even texting me or calling and I’m going insane just overthinking she’s going to leave me or that she met somebody else and she’s talking to them now instead of me. I want to find some distractions but nothing works. All I think about is her and worry about her leaving me because I’ve fucked up so many times due to this disorder. What can I do to help myself? What helps you?

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I dont feel like iam in control of my actions. everytime i come up with an idea that is out of my normal behaviour it feels too far fetched and i dont do it, or do it in a milder way to avoid consequences. Ive cut myself a couple minutes ago only to realise i have a very similar scar right next to it. I feel like i cannot deviate from my predetermined path. I feel like I have no free will. Nothing seems worth living for. I will not kms but I can see myself doing it in the future. I am considering seeking professional help. I am writing this because I cannot bring myself to tell anyone. Once I go to sleep I will probably forget this feeling and carry on living for a couple weeks only to come to a new world shattering realisation and breakdown again. I literally feel like im going mad or am atleast experiencing some delusions or something. It feels like death is the only escape from this. I cannot imagine anyone can tell me something that will help with this. I have had a similar episode before and told my mother. I had calmed down after a few days, but only because i had sort of forgotten i guess. I hate that im not smart enough to figure this out on my own. I kind of hope someone finds this and finds some peace in knowing he isnt the only one. But i wouldnt wish this upon anybody. Sorry if this doesnt really make sense. Also english isnt my first language. I hope i didnt break any rules, I can see that there are many on here. I dont use reddit only made an account to post this since I was searching for some advice. Figured I might aswell ask for it. also male 18yrs old.

BPD and MDD here. I’ve feel like I’ve been a terrible rut for a few months now. I had a really awful split when covid - 19 hit because I lost so many things at once (like base hierarchy of needs stuff not being met) and was unsure when I would have stability again. Immediately assumed this was a “sign I should die.” I had to ramp up my therapy appointments until I was “less vulnerable” and I started a new medication but I have not felt the same about life since and have to fight off these everything must go or everything must change feelings daily. I’m extremely concerned/obsessed with the “meaning of life” again. It all feels very different from a depressive episode so I think it has to be just an extremely long split? also: I tried having an FWB recently and they just dropped me yesterday because “I go on for hours about the same shit and it’s exhausting” and my mentor said that “they can’t find a clear point” in what I’m saying lately. at this point, even I cannot stand my existential ass and I just want to snap out of this. feels like I’m watching myself lose myself in this mental trap again.

I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Two fucking times in a row I show up drunk at my psychiatrist appointments, I'm just such a fucking failure honestly And you know she called me yesterday and told me everything is okay and that I didn't ruin anything but I feel like I'm dying. Like there's a hole inside me and it's gonna keep growing until it swallows me whole. I need to call. Fuck I need to call her. Fuck. I can't. But I need to. Because everything is gonna end if I don't. I need to. I need to. I just need to talk to her. What if I bother her. It hurts. Thinking hurts.

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts

Doctor prescribed me hydroxyzine to help with my anxiety. I was previously prescribed clonazepam but of course it’s highly addictive and not a good long term solution. What are your thoughts hydroxyzine and if you’ve used it has it helped you?

Unmedicated BP2 here hoping to get meds through my new insurance soon. I just started a WFH call center job 2 weeks ago. It’s my first WFH job but not my first customer service job. The pay is good and the work is pretty rewarding since we work with veterans and the VA. I’m just having major issues adapting. I’m generally a good team player and communicate well with my team members, but I’m finding it to be almost impossible with this job. I’m still in my training period which is 6 weeks in total. For starters, I’m the youngest guy by a good 20 years. I grew up using computers and navigating Windows so most of the stuff we’ve been learning is second nature for me. My coworkers on the other hand, constantly need assistance for simple stuff. None of it falls on me since our trainer is excellent at helping them, but I find that it’s holding me back from learning actual material since it’s difficult to focus after getting so annoyed by them. I know I need to be more patient, but it’s hard when someone needs a 30 minute explanation on how to perform basic Windows functions. They also try to talk over one another on Zoom all the time which overwhelms tf out me and makes me want to throw my laptop out. I managed 30 employees aged 17-60 at my last job and was able to handle it just fine, so why am I having such a hard time empathizing with my coworkers and silently invalidating their tech issues?

I have this amazing friend that I have had for almost four years. She is amazing, we always laugh a lot and have (almost) no secret for each other. I love her so much and we used to see each other every day in high school but since last year, we only see each other once a week because we're in college. The year ended a month ago and I haven't seen her since April, I think. I talk to her everyday, but I still miss her. We were supposed to meet to go hike in the forest with another friend but it didn't happen. Then, a few days ago, we talked about doing that hike. We told each other when we were available and agreed on tomorrow (wednesday). And now, we start organizing and she tells us that a dad asked her to be home tomorrow for some paperwork. So she cancels again. I am SO used to that. She always cancel things at the last moment. I feel abandonned, like she doesn't really care for me, because we haven't seen each other for over 2 months and she chooses her father (that she hates) over me. I don't go out because I don't know with who I could hang out, I don't want to see my other "friends" because I don't find them interesting, or I don't think they give a fuck about me. I'm feeling so lonely in my small town where I have no one. I need to be with someone and she's not fucking here and I don't know how to tell her I need her. My other friend said that it wasn't very exciting to go hike in the forest if we're just two and I agree so I said we cancel but she noticed how pissed off I was and said that we could go, it would be fine, but...no. So I proposed to go early, have lunch in the forest and my best friend could be home early and do the paperwork. And AS expected she said that: "But I sleep in the morning. Listen, sorry but you know very well how I am, I can't help it" and YES I know that, and I sleep too in the morning but I'm perfectly ready to wake up a little bit early (10:00 am isn't THAT early) for her. She's able to do so but she just doesn't feel like it. So I just want to spit hate on her right now but my reason knows I shouldn't so I'm being angry here instead, where people actually know that feeling.

-I just joined this subreddit 2 seconds ago. I haven’t had anxiety this bad my (21f) whole life. I’ve always been a confident, self assured person. I thought I was emotionally strong, and I was. I dealt with everything on my own. I am not against getting help, I just never needed it so much. I always thought I could get through everything, someway or another. I have always been a very cheerful, hopeful person. Well, at least I thought. But it all started to fail recently.- I feel like everything is falling apart. I am scared for the future, I live in a country which isn’t great economically, the crime rate is high, and the future doesn’t look so bright. I hear bad news on the tv everyday, and they always get worse. I am an university engineering student, I was actually a perfect student in high-school, but my academic success dropped drastically after the first semester of uni. It was all because of me, I didn’t pay enough attention to classes and I ruined everything. I mean by bad I mean really bad. I had a perfect relationship in high-school, I had a perfect family and a really peaceful, decent life. Now I have anxiety everyday. I ended things with my high school bf because of long distance. I ruined everything academically. I have no hope for the future, the country’s state makes it even worse. I have very close friends in uni, but they’re not emotionally reliable and I don’t trust them for emotional support. I don’t think we will be friends forever. I am nowhere near as close with them as my high school friends. I have a bf now whom I really love. But our relationship is having a really hard time right now, he is also fighting with severe depression. I adore him, but I can’t help myself doubt the relationship. And because he is in a bad place himself, I can’t rely on him to make me feel secure and safe. I feel like every emotion, every incident is too much. I am in my hometown for summer break, and being here reminds me how things used to be. How peaceful everything was. I feel like I can’t rely on anything. I have no support. I don’t feel secure in anything. I don’t feel safe about anything. I am in extreme anxiety. I have to go back to school in a few days but I don’t want to. I never want to leave my family home and go back to being an adult with problems. I just want to lay between my parents and hug them forever. And never go away. I know I am young (21f), and I know many people face much difficult problems. I know I sound weak, and childish. But I can’t stop feeling this extreme anxiety, I just want to curl up and cry while my parents comfort me.

We recently talk about my BPD and now I'm afraid to open up in therapy because I feel like it's all just part of a plan to manipulate him. I don't know how to talk about my history without feeling guilty about it. I want to cry half the time but I just can't in fear that he'll feel I'm manipulating him in some sort of way. I don't think I am trying to do anything other than talk about my feelings. Anyone else experience this?

Heart palprare very normal for me. But every now and then ill get heart palpitation “attacks”. Idk what theyre actually called. But when i really anxious and or exhausted, ill get heart palpitations that occur one after the other for a couple minutes and it’s TERRIFYING. tonight though it didnt feel like it was just skipped beats. Some felt like arrhythmias. Can anxiety do that? My doctor didnt seem worried when i told her about these palpitation attacks but im wondering if when i see her in a couple weeks i should bring it up again

I’m so stressed out with the future of me and my son… What will happen to us..

Every time I have an argument with my FP it feels like the end of the world, crippling anxiety etc unless I force a conversation and resolution to happen when I’ve ended up having a breakdown - I don’t understand how to feel or how to let arguments/resolutions take their natural course..

How can I tell them I need it for my anxiety. It going to sound stupid to them when I say it. What would be a good alternative?

Prepare for the length. I know that many people leave over the course of your life and it’s normal, but because of it, I’m afraid of adding new people because I’m scared they’re going to just end up hurting me or getting tired of me and leaving. I don’t know why but I tend to make best friends out of people who talk behind my back for innocuous reasons and make up random rumors or are secretly bigots. Heard one friend backstabbing me to another while in a bathroom stall (my idiot self forgave her and then it just happened again later), had another friend/roommate who told our other friends I was depressed and didn’t want to see them (they started avoiding me so I thought they hated me, and I wasn’t depressed??? she got mad at me when I didn’t tell her my itinerary when I left our room and she tracked my phone), then another who pretended she believed in Black Lives Matter and LGBTQIA+ rights but turned around and voted for Tr*mp (and invalidated my points and feelings when I said why this was so hurtful). I guess I technically left them so fear of someone else leaving maybe doesn’t make the most sense, but I think I’m afraid of me actually making the coolest friend ever who doesn’t do these things and then having them skip out. I have other friends who have stuck around through all of that which is great and I really appreciate them. However, I don’t tend to have “best friends” anymore, at least not the ones who you tell everything to ever and hang out with a ton. It’s like a loose grouping where I can hold them at an arm’s length. When I like someone, I immediately get really invested in them and who they are. You could say my boyfriend is my best friend because I do tell him literally everything and he’s a gem, but I don’t have anyone else I’m v close to in a strictly platonic way. But I have made a new friend who is literally the coolest and actually a good person this time. I’m afraid of saying the “wrong” things and making her run even though logically I know she wouldn’t. We’re both introverted and diagnosed w/ anxiety so she won’t get mad at me for not wanting to go somewhere sometimes and taking forever to respond since we both do. Anyway, this is just a way for me to rant my feelings and think some things through. I’m so tired of picking the wrong friends!!!!!!!

Long story short I've been having a really hard time recently, and despite it being one of my biggest fears, I'm trying to get access to some help. I have a really hard time with phone calls, and because of covid, most stuff takes place over the phone or via video calls right now. I've found one service called ieso which offers therapy via messages: they schedule a time with you, and you message with a therapist during that hour. I know it's maybe not ideal but I think it's something I could handle and I'd like to try it. Unfortunately, to set it all up you have to call them and I'm really afraid of doing that. I know it's silly but it's enough to prevent me from getting help, which I find terrifying enough already. But I really really want to get better. This is in the UK. Does anyone have any advice as to how approach this or what they might ask so I could write it down in advance?

They’ve been feeling really down lately and suicidal. I used to be a lot better at getting them out of those moods but lately have been feeling lost for words as to what to say probably because I haven’t been doing so well myself and am not in the best state of mind to give advice right now. I know that the best way is to work on myself so I can get back into a state of mind where I can confidently help them but I’m just wondering if there’s anything else I can do to in the meantime to get my mind back on the track of being able to think of things to say that will help them. They’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met they just feel really bad for things they’ve done in the past which I think is mostly mistreating people with words I just want to know how I can help them understand that them behaving like that does not equate to them being a bad person and just is a bad habit of their mental illness that they are doing a wonderful job fixing.

Ok this may sound weird, I’ve had long hair most of my life, It’s the only thing I look good with is long hair, I’m going to join JROTC soon and I have to cut my hair short, But I’m afraid It will look terrible and Everyone will think it looks bad and I don’t know what to do.

I’m in a « relationship » but I don’t feel loved. I feel empty and when I want to cry I can’t. I just wanna be loved, and have someone to take me in their arms. Is something wrong with me like why nobody is interested in me? I smile and laugh even if I’m depressed and I don’t talk about my problem a lot…

Hey guys. I guess the reasoning of posting is because I don’t have the understanding of why I live the way I do. Why when depressed do I leave my room so dirty? Why be unhygienic and not shower for days on end? I’ve currently just been downstairs speaking to family and then came up and looked into my room and was disgusted with how bad I’ve let my room get. Dirty dishes on the floor, my clothes everywhere, my bed only having enough space for me to lay down. The thought crossed my mind of “well you’re up so you might as well clean” but it only resulted in my pushing some items away to lay down in my bed again. I was up, it’s not like there is no lack of motivation there. But I just don’t do it … why ? I have to literally go in my calendar to remember the last time I showered. It was Sunday.I have been up, I have been to work, I have met friends. Why haven’t I just showered. I don’t like living this way and I wish I could just do it, but the thought of doing instantly makes me feel tired. But I can go downstairs to have a cigarette? I can go downstairs to make a coffee ? Why is depression so debilitating ? Why is my only motivation going to lay down on my bed ?

My new prescription Ritalin (ADHD) end came around the same time I was talking to legal advice Reddit about reporting my ex for theft. Got anxious feelings that worsened as I thought about reporting, the downvotes, and his retaliation (like accusing me of cheating to school because I have talked about possible ways to him before and once he helped me with an online quiz for a course I dropped). I study and work hard otherwise. I took a second dose after the prescribed four hours during the crash. I was advised to exercise to burn the excess off but I feel like vomiting. I struggle with PTSD symptoms after my mentally ill ex. I’m sipping water with Youtube on but my stomach just feels sick. I have finals to write and just wish the feelings would subside.

I’m currently homebound with a broken foot. I’m miserable and depressed, I’ve spent the last few years trying to better myself but I constantly set myself back. Between injuries and mental health I’m not doing great. I want to be able to work, go to the gym but that’s not possible until my foot is healed. I can’t stand to be around my family, since my father died over the summer my brother and sister keep trying to be apart of my life and putting all this pressure on me to go places and do things with them but I don’t like being trapped with them. I just want to get rid of some of the physical stress like I used to at the gym.

It's really hard for me to see a therapist in my country so I was wondering if there were any other methods to curing/easing BPD that anyone else has tried?

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TW: Mention of death I live in the Midwest so naturally at this time of year it’s extremely snowy and icy. A big part of my BPD is impulsivity, specifically when it comes to driving. I speed excessively everywhere I go, if I was pulled over I’d probably my license suspended for a bit haha. Tonight I was driving in the county while it was snowing and below freezing.... meaning there was a lot of ice. I was going down a hill that had a turn and I went into the ditch. I was going quite fast and was very far off the road. In those few seconds before impact most people would be scared, I wasn’t. I remember right before I went into the ditch I just hoped I would get knocked out or even die. My parents and boyfriend were very thankful that I only hit my shoulder & the airbags didn’t go off. But I didn’t even care that I was okay. It’s not that I wanted to die, I just don’t care whether I die or not. Definitely going to be something I’ll be having to process.

i just constantly feel like im wasting my life doing absolutely nothing. i have zero energy to go and do things and talk to people, but i also really really want to do these things. been this way most my life. feel like im stranded. even just thinking about good memories reminds me that those are just tiny islands in a sea of wasted years wasted opportunities and fuck ups.

I watched a video of me at the beach with my family and noticed how i blink weirdly and my eyes dart around and it’s not leaving my mind. I also have big eyes which adds to everything. Now i’m repressing blinking freely and acting like what i think normal looks like to stop people noticing and it’s getting tiring and i want my mind to be at rest. Has anyone else experienced something like this and is this normal? :(

I live in a city away from my family (for college, which I've finished now). I don't know if I should go back to my family or stay here for Christmas. A month ago my long-term boyfriend broke up with me and I'm still incredibly devastated. It doesn't hurt any less than the day it happened. My family are overly concerned mostly due to my mental illness history. I feel uncomfortable whenever I visit my family. I don't know how to explain it because I don't dislike my family. It's not them so much as I just don't like being there. Yeah I really don't like being there and I know I'll feel uncomfortable. I only visited twice this year and both times my boyfriend came with me. I know someone will mention something about my boyfriend and I'll get upset and angry. I just don't feel safe there. My other option is to stay where I am but I will be alone and not doing anything (all I do on a daily basis now is reddit/netflix/look for jobs). My mum called me the other day and was telling me that I needed to book flights now because they're getting expensive and I finally told her I didn't want to go. Naturally, she was not happy with that, basically said it wasn't an option and I ended up hanging up on her. Later she text me apologising for pushing me and basically said I didn't have to go. Now I think if I do go it will be mostly out of guilt and I'll be upset the whole time but is that still a better option than staying here alone?

I mean, with the range of emotions this makes you feel, honestly, depression is one of the better ones. Me, I hate being angry, mostly because it's so addicting, until last week when I became depressed again, I had been angry for, what felt like, months on end. I feel some of my hatred and anger evaporating again into a dull emptiness, it feels better.

I am absolutely beyond frustrated and have been for a bit but i have no idea how to approach it. A lot of the people in my life have a tendency to just ignore me and disappear for a while with no connection. These aren’t acquaintances, but people i consider close friends. It really upsets me and makes me worried sick: are they hurt? are they okay? are they mad at me? the thoughts spiral constantly until i absolutely cannot control it anymore and it fully takes over my brain. I’ve let people walk all over me in the past. This happens to me a lot, and whether this be a person who goes MIA for a bit or completely blocks me out, it’s starting to affect me in a way i don’t like. I’m normally a very trusting and approachable person, but i’m starting to gain this intense fear of being abandoned like this again, so I shut the world out. I’m really not sure what to do. It feels terrible and makes me so super worried. I’m just frustrated and needed to vent to, but had no one to vent to about it, so my fellow redditors get it! :)

I’m sinking into the pain and I’m letting my brain tell me I’ve ruined my life. I’ll never be happy. I’m not sure why but I’m ok with that truth. Just going to sit in the pain. I want to cut. What do I do?

Hi. I’m 25 and I was diagnosed with BPD in the beginning of the year. It was triggered by the situation in my country and I felt the worst. So after that I started taking pills. Idk if they are popular in US but they are Cipralex, Lamotrijin and Atarax. I was supposed to go the the doctor again but I didn’t. It’s too expensive for me to just buy the pills… And this summer I felt amazing. No rages, nothing. Now I have even worse situation with money and I stopped taking the pills. I thought it was fine, I’m feeling very good, I can maintain this feeling. But no. I started having my episodes again. Uncontrollable rage, depressive thoughts. Feeling of emptiness has always been with me tho. So again for several days in a row I can’t stop screaming at my husband for nothing and throwing things etc. well, I wanted to ask if i should go to doctor before deciding to continue the pills again or just take them now?

So, I think I have BPD, but I just started going to therapy a few months ago. My account is too new to post on the BPD page, but I’m just like freaking out kinda. My boyfriend and I had been breaking up for some time, but it’s been really mixed signals of feeling like we’re in love vs feeling like he wants nothing to do w me. And I can be crazy. I want to spend time with him and be loved by him. It’s literally the main thing I think about through the day and stuff. So recently I had a moment, maybe an episode of some sort idk, after he told me I couldn’t come over. I blocked him, unblocked him, said hurtful stuff, and immediately regretted it. He now is saying we can be friends, but we can’t hang, and he is giving me really weird replies, like as if he’s a therapist who has to say the right stuff. It’s making me so mad but also making me feel like I can’t do anything other than cry and hate life. I’m scared thinking of how long it’ll take me to get past this and how bad it’ll feel and I just wish I could be with him for 5 minutes to feel okay. I know that’s not good but yea. I blocked him bc his replies keep upsetting me, bc he’s not giving me any type of love. :/ but yea any advice?

I have been severely depressed for years. I feel numb to my emotions. Right now my grandma dying. I feel like a piece of shit because I can’t even cry. But inside things have gotten 100 times worse because of it. I am just so used to not displaying emotion it has become normal. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my family feels like I am a piece of shit for it. But I literally can’t cry. It makes me hate myself so much more. I am so sad right now.

So this saturday was actually a wonderful day, i have been catching up with this old fuckbuddy of mine and we have been really hitting it off these last three weeks. Im definitely feeling something for her, i think im starting to fall in love. So we spend the day together, we sit and draw in the park and then we end up at my place where we cook dinner together. Afterwards we watch a movie, and eventually have sex. Later in the evening i get the idea that we should head out to a bar that i like for a beer and a few cigarettes. At this point im pretty much living the dream, nothing can go wrong now, the whole day has been surrounded by nothing but pleasantries, it has just been us. Getting into the venue i realize theres a shitton of people there. There is hardly any seats and i meet a lot of "friends" who wants to have a word with me. We end up sitting at a table together, but a friend of mine seems so happy to see me so he drags me to the seat next to him. My girl on the other hand is a bit further away so i can't really talk to her without yelling. At this point i am starting to feel disconnected, im not in tune with whats going on anymore. My friend attempt to talk to me, but i can't really engage as much as he expects, im kind of aloof. At this point some guy from my class shows up and he probably doesn't see me since i'm sitting there with my back, and he gives my girl a hug and leaves for the toilet. A few mins some other guy shows up and sits next to her to chat her up, he was by no means attractive, and pretty old. (im in my early twenties) But i was starting to feel pretty fucking bad, i wanted to get up and sit next to her, or at least i wish i had something up my sleeve to get him to fuck off so i could sit next to her. But it just ends up with me sort of trying to escape this whole situation by approaching some classmates to play with some classmates (this would also show her that i am outgoing and social), (one of the classmates is the one who hugged my girl, i also suspect them having a one night stand some time ago, but that was before i was committing anything to this girl.) So i meet them and he doesn't seem to remember my name, which pisses me off since he is kind of the Paul Allen equivalent in my hell of a social life. We play for a bit, and suddenly my girl shows up again, she says that she has to leave. I understand this, as none of us has had anything to drink other than a beer, and the place is crowded and annoying. Beforehand we had agreed to keep our affections to less public places, so i say goodbye and just assume that she would be waiting for me when i got out. I think she thought it would be ok to leave since it probably looked like i had a good time (i did, somewhat, but i would much rather be with her.) At least from the outside she probably saw me as a guy with his friends playing pool and being in a good mood. So as she leaves i quickly win the match so that i could leave after her, and this is where the meltdown begin. I i know for a fact that people in my class knows that we've had sort of like an on and off thing, but i also suspect that the guy who hugged her have slept with her before. So when i leave the venue i sort of wanted that to be a statement that im actually leaving with her, although not in the obvious bf/gf way, as thats not what we have agreed on. (This was two minutes after she left.) Because i was actually thinking that she would be waiting for me. So i call her up, and she says that she is on her way home, and im asking her why, and she says that its been a long day and since i was busy playing with those guys she thought it would be a good time to part ways. Im extremely disappointed by this and i'm filled to the brim with shame, thinking about what would happen if i was seen alone by someone who knows me, or even worse getting exposed by having those i played with meet her later on (they live in the same apartment complex.) But i really like this girl, so i am in tears as to why she would not want to give me a proper goodbye, i think that was what hurt the most. It had been a perfect day and it ended in such an abrupt and "wrong" way. I start crying on the phone, and begin strafing around. I try to tell her it is because i really like her, and i didn't want it to be this way. After a few minutes on the phone she agrees to meet up with me again, and then we go back to my place. Her eyes are so caring, it feels like she even finds my reaction reassuring as to her own infatuation with me.. But in my mind i can just think about whether or not i appeared in a positive light in front of my classmates, a guy who can come to the venue and leave with a nice girl like her. That was all i wanted, i just wanted to be viewed as someone who had their shit together. And she is such a sweet girl... She really likes me, she really does... And i have to be this insecure, i fucking hate it.. It seems like i have nowhere to go mentally when i get jealous and confused. All the suicidal thoughts and the violence i imagine against those that tick me off. It usually comes in waves and it was especially directed to that guy from my class, i just wish he didn't exist, i wish that he could just be removed from my life. It felt like i was going to die, like there was nothing left, like i literally had nothing left to live for. I just can't handle the chaos of social interactions, how can i remain strong and secure, while my mind wanders and fuels my negative emotions with fantasies that has no connection to reality whatsoever?

Im being irrational right? Fuckfuck

I know a lot of people want to die because they don’t feel loved or they want the pain to stop, I’ve been there. It truly truly sucks, but I now know I’m loved and although I have experienced a great deal of trauma I am not in agonizing emotional pain. I feel nothing. And I don’t want to keep going because life is a shit show, quite frankly I don’t know why anyone keeps going… why the fuck am I gonna keep living if I’m not really living, I’m just surviving.. the cost of living is at an all time high, I live in a country that is extremely divided and it profits off our healthcare.. I have to debate wether to call an ambulance for 5K or drive myself and could possibly die on the way to the ER.. (it’s the US if you couldn’t figure it out already) I just don’t think life is worth living for anyone, not just myself. I don’t have the courage to kill my self yet because it would deeply hurt my grandma, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on..

i’m disappointed in myself. i’m 17 and i have no idea what college i want go to, all my friends know exactly what they want to do but i’m just lost. i’ve been so stressed and anxiety ridden that i haven’t been able to eat properly for the past few months either. now the one guy i really liked and trusted isn’t talking to me anymore, and my best friend is moving 4 hours away so i’ll be all alone. my life is changing so much and i don’t know what to do, i still feel like i’m only 15, im stuck in my memories and i don’t know how to get past it anymore. i don’t know how to handle all this change, it just makes me not want to be alive anymore. i cant do this anymore.

night before last i didn’t sleep, and yesterday i tried to quit my job and did an insane bathroom haircut because it felt like nothing was real, but then i proceeded to cut myself and realized i was not dreaming and had a full meltdown that may have resulted in my death if not for my lovely boyfriend intervening and calming me down. i woke up at 3:30am this morning, did my makeup and now i feel like the baddest bitch in town. last week i was on vacation living my absolute best life, planning my future and feeling stable and normal. i just don’t understand how everything can change in an instant. but i also think that it’s beautiful that it does. i feel like everything might be lining up perfectly for me to have an amazing life, but that could change in 5 minutes and i know that. basically….. fuuuuuuuuuck

why am i not getting better- i keep having awful mood swings and i just need to stop keeping it all inside and acting cool or whatever but i dont know how and its rlly fucking annoying ajcndndj maybe im the problem 😐 i mean i am venting on reddit because i dont want to bother anyone i know LMFOSJDJDND

Hey all, i'm really in need of comfort or advice. So, for some context, I have currently been unemployed for 7 months due to the virus, and it's been hard to cope with lately. I have lived with my grandma for 2 years now, she took me in when i was 17 since my mother could no longer care for me. She is like a parental figure to me - we would always go places and do everything together. We were eachothers' companions. Recently, however, she has met someone and fallen in love. She spends the night at his house very often, at least twice a week. This past week she stayed there for 5 days, and she's still there currently. She does things with him instead of with me. Now, as someone who was abandoned by their mother as a teen, I have deep rooted abandonment/ trust issues. And being out of work, I just sit at home alone most days and feel this deep pain of loneliness and boredom without having my grandma around. I do get to see my friends occasionally, but one lives far away and the other i'm not very close to. I don't have very many close people to talk to, which makes this even more excruciating. I know that this pain will not last much longer (I'll be moving in with my ldr girlfriend in december, and have been proactive in trying to find a new job) but my god, it's incredibly hard to have to wait till then. Tonight I just broke down in tears, because everything hurts so fucking much. How can I cope with feeling abandoned by my grandma, and feeling chronically bored? I do have some hobbies and distractions, but there's only so much that those can help with.

**A Story of my struggle with trauma, depression, and unknowingly Bi-polar** **Disclaimer** **This paper was written during what I now know to be my first ever manic episode, so keep that in mind.** So I grew up as a shy kid from the low income (or Harbour as we call it here) side of town. I still had friends that I saw on a regular basis and had a nice little social life. Growing up we never had a lot of money, I don’t remember struggling too badly but where we live sort of tells you everything you need to know. But when I was 9 years old my parents separated. After that we had a hard time financially and (for my mother and all of us more than we know) mentally. It was only when I was older that I found out about the extent of my fathers problems with alcohol, drugs, gambling, anger, adultery and maybe the biggest one, control both self and the need to control others. Now I could talk forever about on how trauma helps (for better or worse) shape us, and what went wrong with him to make him the way he is. I could also go on about all the other ways I saw how trauma shaped and continues in some cases to have a hold on my family (anxiety, anger, depression, drug abuse, just to name a few) but this is going to be more about me. After the separation the first thing we found out was that my father had stopped paying any bills months ago, and that my mother being a stay at home mom with 3 kids and no money (instead of 3 money and no kids. Lol Simpsons) of her own now had to somehow keep us from being kicked out on the streets. Now this is the reason I respect the hell out of my mom. Even with the whole world seemingly against her and her own issues from a life of trauma, she managed to keep us all clothed, housed, fed with only herself, what small amount of support we as children could offer her, and my paternal grandmother, who would drive us around, but not much else. She even managed to keep all the utilities like the internet, cable, and phone on. Which if you have never been on any kind of social assistance you probably don’t know that those are considered non essential, and thus you receive no extra money for them. She sacrificed her own happiness for us to have the best childhood she could give us. I don’t know if my siblings or even her for that matter understands the enormous things she accomplished and the toll it took on her. Now I know what your thinking. I just said this was a story about me, but this is important, not just to me personally but its something I wish more people could understand, and something I think she might want more people to understand. Even though she would prefer that nobody outside this house even try to perceive her. My mother only had one way to get the money and that was to apply for Ontario works. This ended up being one of the biggest challenges my mother has had to face. The social safety nets in Canada (and the world at large in my opinion) are really not set up in a way that helps the people that rely on them enough to give them a proper dignified life. What I mean is they gave my mother so little money and made her work so hard to get it that it caused what we now know is a congenial condition to surface, and in doing so caused the life long dependence on the system that tried to help her. And still, after all that. She feels bad she couldn’t do more for us. **(Mom listen to me when I say you have overcome more hardships than anyone I know and that I see you as my hero.)** Ok so shifting back to me, growing up poor is very hard. Always Worrying about if we’ll have enough laundry money, or food money. Really just always worried about something. And these things along with many other problems lack of money causes (news flash! Money or more specifically access to the same standard of living everyone else has seems to fix most of these problems!) made me withdraw socially, and thus was the first domino in my life long battle with depression. As a poor person I often times feel ostracized due to the fact that I’m expected to fit into a society that both is prejudiced against the poor but also fails to realize that they could be just one bad accident away from being one of us. Growing up I always tried to be as helpful and independent as possible. I got a job every summer in high school to help lessen my mothers burden. I have always tried to be completely financially independent, trying to satisfy my needs alone, never accepting or asking for help. I also made a lot of effort to make sure my family would always be taken care of. Always helping my sisters and mother with money whenever they needed, and these are things I would do again for them all over, and I will continue to help them in anyway I can. So now lets look at how I came undone. I tried to do the did the exact same thing my mother had done for us, but I also was so determined to work as hard as I could so that I could make something of my self, so that I could one day pull us all out of poverty and give my family the life they and everyone on this planet deserves. That's not what happened though. Instead I ended up burning out. I became pessimistic about the world and about the sad fact that as humans we chose a life of gruelling labour and over production over the happiness of our people, Something I feel I may always struggle with. This in turn caused me to quit my job and now here we are. But this story isn’t done just yet. Now I’m assuming you read the title and can guess the next topic, but this is actually the whole reason I am writing this now. So growing up I guess you could say I was sexually awakened at a young age. My first memory of a sexual experience was fooling around with a neighbour girl when we were both still under school age, and it only progressed from there. During my life from that first encounter to the time I’m writing this now I have had many sexual encounters. (all with people around my age at the time and all consensual) In total I have had physical sexual contact with a total of 11 people, 6 of them before the age of 13. Now this is the juicy part I suppose. I have always believed that I was a straight man but if we examine the 11 people I mentioned we’ll find that 4 out of the 11 of my sexual partners were male. Now this was all before the age of 13 but regardless I remember it and I remember enjoying it and though I never had full penetrative sex with a male I have done just about everything else. Including my last experience and the only pubescent experience that ended with me bringing him to full release climax. Soon after that I tried to repress those memories because as there still is today, there was lot of stigma that goes with homo sexuality and any sexuality that falls outside the ‘hetero norms’. Now the reason I’m talking about this because at the time of writing this, the previous night I almost had full penetrative sex with a man. Ok so lets back up, how did you go from repressing homosexual thoughts for half your life to almost sex with a man in the course of one night. Well I haven’t had a girlfriend in 6 years by this point and the last few hook ups I had didn’t bring me to climax. Plus by this point in my life I had completely shut my self down socially. I was feeling very bad about my self and feeling undesirable and unlovable, and I thought “what the hell do I have to lose?”, so I installed Grindr. Within the first few minutes of opening the app, even before I added a picture or even finished writing my profile I received more messages than from women on any dating site I’ve been on. This gave me an extreme boost in confidence so I started messaging them back. This resulted in me talking to and meeting (albeit briefly) a very nice and very understanding man that though he might never know what he has done for me, changed my perspective on my life and my views on my own and maybe human sexuality forever. Though it was only about 5 minutes before I found my self literally sprinting down the street away from his apartment building, I realized something. I had just pushed my self far beyond my social comfort zone, the farthest I ever had and that's when I realized that i was completely fine. The relief I felt was unbelievable, I ended up laughing like a maniac while running out of a strangers house at 3 in the morning but I felt the sanest I have in years. So I didn’t sleep with him. I had amp-ed myself up so much that when I got there I was so nervous that I didn’t even get within 6 feet of the guy, I just had to leave. He didn’t argue and he never tried to force me into anything I didn’t want to do. I don’t know exactly what my hang up was because this is still new to me but if I had to wager a guess I think it was the lack of emotional connection. I say that because every other male sexual partner has been a close friend. So I don’t know exactly where on the sexuality spectrum I fall on, but in my opinion is that the only thing that should matter about your partner is how you feel about them. Too many people seem to want to put hard boundaries on sexuality, but I think as long as the relationship is loving and no one is getting hurt that it shouldn’t matter what your bits and bobs look like. I hope one day the world starts treating every person with the same respect and dignity that they would give anyone regardless of their personal sexual preferences that doesn’t hurt anyone in anyway. So yes I still suffer from depression, I’m still not working, but, for the first time in a while I have been able to speak with people without fear and have even had much more success with women when I finally let my self be open again. I have realized that life is a funny thing and you don’t always find lessons from where you might expect. Any way that’s the end of my story for now. I hope this gave you some insight or at least was an entertaining read. **Easy ways to understand sexuality** Sexuality is sort of like your favourite food. Sure you might like Italian food, you might only like certain Italian foods. You might eat exclusively Italian food but that new Thai restaurant down the street looks bangin’. Maybe you like to eat lots of different foods maybe you used to like a certain food but now you don’t enjoy it the same way. It’s just so easy when you explain it in food terms and seemingly any situation other than sexuality. I think the worlds on its way it just might take some time like it did for me and If i can learn this lesson at the age of 26 after a lifetime of only seeing it one way, than why can’t everyone. **Thanks.** Thanks you mom for protecting us and throwing her self to the mercy of a ‘less than understanding’ government just to keep us as safe from an indifferent world. Thank you the rest of my family. I know that sometimes we might get upset when dealing with our problems but I know we all love each other and that's never changing. Thank you suicide help line worker who let me just talk to her until i had nothing left to say. Thank you anonymous gay man for helping me understand that it’s ok to want to have sex with anyone as well as it not mattering who it is at the time, and that its also ok to not want to have sex with anyone you don’t want to. I would also like to thank my councillor Alex for making me feel safe enough to reach out to her in my time of crisis. **Epilogue** After staying up all night to write this paper and sending it to my counsellor she was immediately concerned for my well being. I have since been diagnosed Bi-polar and even had to spend a week in a psych ward. Despite the fact I was in a manic state while writing this I don’t think it makes anything I said or learned about myself any less true, and that we can learn lessons from the most unusual or undesirable places. I am still getting used to all of this and I understand the long road that's been set in front of me. I just hope I have the strength to follow it.

I wanna share my experience with this combination, moclobemide with fluvoxamine, i quit taking antidepressants for about 3 months after taking every kind on the market for a 6 years continuous period, i had my ups and downs but never were satisfied with a single antidepressant. After quitting everything i couldn't stand my self, and the suicidal thoughts increased, i was so depressed i couldn't even walk, so i decided to go back on medications but this time, i choose to take moclobemide "aurorix" because i heard it has no effect on libido, and decreased libido is the reason i quit antidepressants in the first place. So I started on 300mg twice a day (150mg divided) after a week i increased the dosage to 600mg twice a day, after like 14 days i didn't feel anything, the tiredness didn't gone, i was still depressed af, then i decided to add fluvoxamine and stop the moclobemide and replace it with wellbutrin, so i wake and took 50mg fluvoxamine with 150mg moclobemide, i was worried because i heard this combination is dangerous and could cause serotonin syndrome, but i had no choice but to try because i couldn't stand the depression that's been hitting on me since 3 months, and you would not believe what happened, from the first day of this combination, i slept and woke up so happy, the depression has gone, just like that, it was unbelievable, i felt like i wanna talk to someone and i wanna laugh the whole time, my mom was visiting me so i start taking to her and laughing so that she noticed the difference immediately, i actually don't know what happened, the next day i took 50mg fluvoxamine with 75mg moclobemide with a following dose of 75mg moclobemide in the midnight and the effect still there, i feel so happy and i have high confidence, this is my third day now and I am feeling blessed. I want to know your opinion's about this, what do you think of this? Why did I feel so happy so fast after only one pill of fluvoxamine? I must mention this, do not try this without going back to your doctor, there's a high chance you might get serotonin syndrome, i searched this very much before trying it and no one recommend it, but i had no other choices but to try, i was depressed anyway and i would not care if i died, but now if this effect remained there, i would be blessed I'm so happy and excited

A while back, I [did an experiment of sort](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/pwoqhy/i_22m_did_an_experiment/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) where I basically stopped being a good serviceable guy and see if anyone would notice or care. Today marks the 32x5=160th consecutive day since this started. I would have stopped counting if anyone gave me the time of day for anything but ask to use me. It's... intriguing to see how I've become a ghost, an after-thought for my so-called "friends". I "one-sidedly" cut ties barely one month in, and not an eye was bat even today (the streak is still going). Technically I already was a ghost to them already. It's like they cut ties with me, but didn't have the guts to do it all they way and just ended up playing with my feelings for years. I'm glad I'm no longer friends with people who treat me like that, like a disposable human being, like a commodity. Years of "friendship" forgotten in instants. Plenty of good times I wouldn't mind erasing from my mind. I had 3 best friends... Now I have barely any friends. I'm genuinely amazed by how unphased they must be. A bunch of grade-A assholes. Somehow... I'm finally at peace. With people who really matter to me, and to whom I really matter.

okay so im not really sure where to start with this because I really suck at expressing how I feel sometimes. Basically, I think I’m splitting real bad on my best friend. I wouldn’t consider her my fp at the moment, but she is technically my only (close) friend rn so I do still have somewhat of a codependent attachment to her. The problem I’m having right now is that I feel as if she only wants to be bothered with me or only wants to put actual effort into talking to/hanging out with me when she needs someone to vent to or when she has something bad going on in her life. I had already been feeling like this before she and her boyfriend became a couple, but now that she has said boyfriend its only gotten worse. Before the boyfriend was in the picture, she and I would hang out pretty frequently and I would hear from her at least once a day unless she was having a hard time and needed space for her mental health. Now, I’m lucky to even get the chance to hang out or hear from her once every two weeks or so. And when we do hang out or talk, she always has something new to vent about and most of the conversation is about herself and whatever problems she has going on in her life at the moment. I truly don’t remember the last time we hung out or talked without her venting or trauma dumping on me or making me feel like she only wanted to talk or hangout because she needed something. Instead of being sad about it like I usually am, I’ve become angry and resentful and it’s only getting worse the longer she goes without speaking to me or at least acknowledging me in some way. I’m not saying we need to hang out or even speak everyday, but I would appreciate it if she would at least acknowledge me somehow (something as simple as liking my post on instagram or sending me a tiktok) because if not, i’m gonna assume she’s upset with me or something and end up spiraling. Ive expressed this before, I’ve mentioned my bpd multiple times now, and I’ve also told her about my abandonment and attachment issues but it seems like all of it just went in one ear for her and straight out the other. She doesn’t seem to care that she’s upsetting me. She even admits that she’s been a crappy friend for not spending as much time with me but instead of making an effort to change that, she just apologizes and continues to do it. She also refuses to take accountability and instead tries to blame her boyfriend (“I want to spend more time with you but he always wants to hang out”) or blames my work schedule when she could easily just ask me when i have free time instead of just making plans without me because she doesn’t know if im working or not. We haven’t talked in almost a week now and im pretty sure it’s because the last time we spoke on the phone, i was being very short and blunt with her because i was annoyed with her. She did ask if she had did anything to make me mad but I said no (which i will admit was really immature and passive aggressive to do) and told her i was going to bed. I know i probably should’ve been honest with her then but i decided against it because part of me feels like it would just be a waste of time since she doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I also don’t want to continue feeling like some background character in her life who only exists to her when she needs a shoulder to cry on. So right now i’m struggling to deal with how i feel. Part of me just wants to block her on everything and go no-contact and another part of me wants to confront her and be honest about how i feel but im not really sure it would make much of a difference. I’m just sitting here having a mental war with myself and its driving me insane

Hey guys so I’ve been on cipralex for about 4 months and I’ve noticed some significant changes. But I am going home for a week and the pharmacy is closed which means I haven’t been able to get a refill (I ran out two days ago) so I just haven’t been taking my antidepressants for about 4 days and I guess I’ll have to wait until I return back here next week to make a dr appointment and refill. While I’ve been off them I’ve been getting suuuuch a weird feeling every couple minutes sometimes even seconds. It’s like something flows through my body and I’m short circuited for just a millisecond. For just a split second I feel like woah wtf am I floating? Am I really here? It feels super weird. Has anyone who has been off antidepressants experienced this? Any of you know what it is?

So we went to go get food and I saw a fast food worker who had made an error with my food last time that had really made me laugh so much so I asked my boyfriend if that was her. He said it was and I wanted to tell her how happy it had made me. I smiled at her and told her it was hilarious and she laughed, gave me a big smile, and seemed relieved as she had told my boyfriend last time how bad she felt about it (which is why I wanted to reassure her if I saw her again), and then she went back to completing someone else's order. My boyfriend goes and says to me, "You shouldn't have told her it was hilarious, you probably made her feel bad", knowing how sensitive I am to the thought of making one little mistake. I told him, "But she laughed and gave me a big smile." He said, "She has to do that or she could get fired." I started obsessing over it and before we left I saw her again and told her "Hey, I just want to let you know I didn't mean anything bad when I said it was hilarious, it was honestly one of the best parts of my day" and she looked at me like 'why is she apologizing to me over this', told me it didn't bother her and went back to doing her work. I told my boyfriend he shouldn't have corrected me on this as 1)she didn't seem upset, she seemed happy and 2)I didn't say anything rudely, but he justified it by saying that he would want me to correct him if he made a mistake. I am so upset right now and it made me feel bad about myself, like I am stupid. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or if I should be upset over this. He said "You should not feel this way over one small mistake" even though he knows I have bpd and is acting like I shouldn't be so upset right now. I am very confused and plus I have a headache that started hours before we went to get food.

TW for sort of mentioning a medical procedure I don't know how many posts I've made about this stuff, but man I hate when my anxiety triggers at the worst times for the most unreasonable things. I won't even lie, horror media doesn't do my mental health any favors, especially if I'm already worked up due to outside stress or just a general bad spot in my mental health. It's often the one little thing needed to push me into a spiral of panic. And it's always something small like that. Sometimes I listen to some vaguely unsettling song, or see one negative news article, or exist right before the sunset, and then WHOOP THERE IT IS another panic attack! And, after that, I can be guaranteed a solid few days of constant unease and on-and-off anxiety attacks - at least. God, am I sick of this shit. I wish there was some kind of cure for GAD and panic attacks, but I know I'm going to have to deal with this for a long time, if not the rest of my life, since I've had problems with anxiety since I was a kid. I wish I could pin my GAD on one thing like an over/underactive thyroid or an imbalance of hormones, if only to know that I can pin my disorder on something that I can fix with meds or remove from my body entirely. I know that's not how life works. I know I have to make peace with my disorder. I'm still just so tired. Sometimes I wonder whether its worth it to keep living like this, in a constant cycle of feeling bad, then feeling better only to be brought right back down when I thought I was in the clear. (Ironically, I bet if I could get off my lazy ass and get a lot more film-making or writing experience, I and my other friends with bad mental health could make a killer horror movie about what anxiety is like, lol. Maybe a new form of therapy, maybe another anxiety attack asdkfjalksdfj)

I got my wedding photos back today and i absolutely hate them. Not because the photographer did a bad job…but because i hate everything about the way I look in them. How could i have thought I looked so good at the beginning of the night? I tried to convince myself for the months leading up to it that no matter how much weight I did or didn’t lose I was going to be happy with how my body looked. I feel like a fool. I feel like I want to disappear. I feel like the only thing people see when they look at me is a fucking whale. I feel ashamed about how I looked and acted at my own reception. My actions that day were that of a confident person. I’m not fucking confident, and i don’t deserve to be. Im uncomfortable in my skin. No matter how body positive I try to be towards myself, i see photos and still end up hating myself.

Some days I'm one of the people commenting under the posts on this sub encouraging others and reassuring them. But today I'm not capable of such. I feel like my mental health is stuck in a never-ending cycle... I just wish this suffering could end one day... But I'm starting to doubt it will ever end. I just can't control my anxiety... All my life I've felt so incredibly broken and different... I'm tired. I'm so, so tired. I want my anxiety to end, I want to feel ok! And not just for a few days or weeks, a month or two if I'm lucky... No. I want to feel good without having to worry about relapses and medication and what not. I want my mental health issues gone. Sometimes I still have trouble believing anxiety can be so horrendous.

I feel like I really have no real reason to be depressed, my traumas are nowhere near as bad as others but I still feel like this. I have friends and family and I know some of the really do care but I can’t helping hating everything about myself to the point of disgust. I’m such a people pleaser that I don’t even know what I want and I really just don’t wanna be alive some days.

Anxiety is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy and seeing so many people suffer almost the same way for so long is so depressing. I wish anxiety didn’t exist.

I have been dealing with anxiety for a long time, im medicated (10mlg of lexapro) and it has helped immensely. Lately my anxiety has been worse, and ive been dealing with a lot of throat and chest tightness. Its nothing new to me, and i am able to recognize now that i’m not dying, its just a stress response i go through- nonetheless, its uncomfortable and scary. I am doing breathwork throughout the day, and i meditate everyday too- which helps, but I was wondering if anyone has any other tips on how to manage or lessen these sensations.