Datasets:

Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

like 9

It’s been 6 months of pure free depression and now I fucked up. After months of enjoying life… suddenly all came to a halt. I’m spiraling deep into depression and even my best friend isn’t talking to me. What did I do wrong l. I fucked up with overtexting, now I’m just being ignored m. I keep thinking omit I was gone, people would have to deal with me anymore. People are probably better off in a world without me.

I recently got dumped after a 1.5 year relationship. My BPD is pretty quiet and subtle, but she basically had a realization that all of our interactions and conversations have been about her interests and focused on her from the very beginning. They were never about me or my interests, because I don't really have any and I just naturally talked about what she is interested in. Realizing this gave her an epiphany and she was really disturbed by it, to say the least. Really sucks. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I know meds are supposed to help but, for some reason they seem to make me feel worse and even anxious to an extent. I stopped taking them 4 months ago, and it seems to have helped a bit. Is this safe/healthy?

Completely understand. But if one of my coping strategies is talking to people about it, what can I do? I do miss having supportive friends but I guess I am pushing them away by telling them that I am struggling with suicidal ideation. Ugh it hurts to hear. Uhm I don’t know. Talking to strangers and the suicide hotline can only do so much. Sometimes u want to talk to someone who really knows you I guess. Fake it till you make it? Uhm I guess. Struggle and cry and cut until it gets worse enough to actually commit

I have had anxiety for over 10 years now. I took medication about 4 years ago but it made my anxiety more intense or turned me into a zombie. So I stopped taking it. Recently I started therapy and it helps but I have realized that my body still feels anxious even though I am not having anxious thoughts. So my question is what medication has helped you with your anxiety?

After trying like 6 therapists, I have finally come to one who seems to be fairly good at the DPT thing. He is quite young -32 or so- and had good training at Marsha's, however, I feel paranoid about him. He started our sessions with addressing the main current issues (mood swings/ enjoying life.. The live life worth living thing), but we hardly ever got to discuss my past, he almost never asks about my past traumas until I accidentally mention them. He doesn't even bother with adding a label to my illness; as he keeps saying what matters are the symptoms not the umbrella. TBQH, I've thought endlessly about just staying at home and stop taking these stupid drugs. He put me on Lamictal 250mg, moodapress 50, and apilipex 5mg. And I can't hide it I feel as though drugs are the reason behind many of my symptoms an he's just using me to make money. I have been seeing him for 4 months now and I am too afraid to believe that they are in vain yet those paranoid thoughts keep running through my mind and I have no idea who or what I should believe. I can hardly remember how my life was like before this breakdown, but my paranoia is driving me crazy; what if they were just using me all that way long? What if I am being delusional about my symptoms or what if I have been lying to myself without noticing?.…

I start a new job tomorrow and for some reason I’m panicked beyond belief. I just switched jobs in august and I really want this to be the right thing finally. I want so badly to be good at it but there’s SO much info and places to go wrong, things to memorize and making sure I follow the handbook especially on dress code. I just keep getting nervous and start crying and hyperventilating. I worry I’ve made the wrong decision leaving my other job and I’ll be even more miserable than I already am.

Hello, I am nearly 50 and am starting to accept that my life will simply not be improving. I've missed the boat on a career, secure housing. I won't be retiring until I'm near dead. I work in mental health, for years it sort of helped me to be in the game there but I have seen too much bullshit now and after decades of different drugs and therapies I honestly believe nothing can help. My kids are beginning to be old enough to not need me, and I feel bad for them because I don't like parenthood and this shows in them, they have the sadness of kids who know they don't make their parent happy. I have mental illness and trauma raging right back through my genetics and personal history. I live in working poverty. I'm starting to lose my eyesight, teeth, mobility. My faculties are going, I used to be a brilliant learner and writer and I can't do those things any more. I met someone and fell in love last year and yet I feel worse. I just loathe myself, I feel I am a toxic and broken person. That's all, thanks for reading. I really hope I will come back and read this in a few months and think, phew, I managed to ride out another one.

I've been dealing with this weird pain/pressure behind my eyes for a year and a half now, and I'm getting about done with it. I've been to an ENT thinking it was my sinuses but he didn't find anything on initial inspection. My insurance denied any further testing. He did prescribe me Flonase but I'm highly scared of medications, especially antihistamines and corticosteroids since those have caused extreme anxiety in the past. Then I went to my eye doc thinking maybe it was eye strain and dry eyes. She says I'm too young to have dry eye, prescribed me new glasses for my astigmatism, and said "maybe it's your sinuses" and prescribed Flonase again. I flush my sinuses out with a netipot and it doesn't help. All I can do is lay down throughout the day and close my eyes to get rid of it. I'm stressed and anxious it might become serious and I could die. Is it just in my head at this point? I've considered trying the Flonase but am super scared to. 😱

Just been going through tough times and can't even see my mother on mothers day nor have enough money to actually get her anything. Past 6 months have been a struggle and I've been considering Bankruptcy. Just genuinely want to be happy again like I used to be.

Life i hard and I hate everything about it. No one knows my pain and I think if something were to happen to me now I would not even care because my life is so meaningless and there's nothing that I have ever accomplished. The month of January 2022 some friends and I were hanging out late at night when some guys, 3 to be exact came out of a car and started shooting behind us, I ran and fell and in that 3 seconds I was laying down I felt nothing, didnt scream, was not scared, I was just emotionless and I thought to myself, well this is it for me until my friend pulled me up and we got out of it. I just believe I'll be okay if I die, I'm only 19 and I hate everything about life. I have friends, I have a girlfriend but with all that I feel depress and I hate myself. Its like I want to be around everyone but I feel as though everyone will be annoyed if I try to bring myself around a lot. Its like everyone sees the depression in me and just doesnt care and I'm afraid to reach out to anyone because it'll just be like I'm a bother. I want help but I dont think anyone can help me. I cant even get a job i did so well in school sent out a lot of resumes but no one ever calls me. I'm a failure, I'm sad i hate it.

One of my friends is looking for some help with this since her mother suffers from severe anxiety and depression, to the point that she cannot leave her house and cannot be alone at all. It has reached the point in which none of the family members can deal with this situation properly and the next step is looking for a live in center for her. I am trying to help her figure out which ones would be the best options, any advice on this would be helpful!

I’ve been having a very very bad period of anxiety recently, probably the worst I’ve ever had in my life. It all started a couple months ago when I got a pretty bad UTI, I’m a young male (23 years old), healthy overall, and my doctor thought it was strange that I had a UTI, so he ran tests and found I had very high cholesterol. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I assume it’s the end of the world, and I was already very worried about the whole UTI situation and thought I had some bladder issues. My UTI had also been giving me restless sleep because I constantly had to wake up to pee. This got me into a pattern of not being able to sleep well, even after the UTI was gone. So now I’m anxious about sleep, and went through a week of serious insomnia where I had a total of 6 hours of sleep for 5 days. I started taking melatonin which has helped a bit, but my sleep still isn’t back to normal. And I’m a senior in college, also working full time, and about to move out with my girlfriend. So I have a shit load of stuff on my mind, and the past 5 days I’ve had terrible headaches. Borderline migraines. They’re just bad enough that they’re slightly affecting my ability to concentrate on school work and stuff. I think they have to be tension headaches because the day before they started I noticed my neck was sore. The pain seems to start in my neck in the morning, but as time goes by it works it’s way to my temples and eyes. As I’m typing this the pain is mainly in my left temple but I’ll occasionally get pain in the back of my head too. Does anyone deal with the same thing? If so, what did you do that helped, if anything?

this is me just kind of venting. my whole life i (18F) have had mental issues. i know it. but my parents have never cared or had the money to get me a diagnosis or medication. the only time this remotely happened was freshmen year when my parents found out i was self harming and put me in therapy for about 3 weeks. i sense 100%, as well as my therapist, that i have some sort of depression & anxiety disorder. i’ve desired some sort of anti depressant for a long time. on the other hand, my brother has ADHD (he finally found out once he moved out and got a job). about a year ago, he cut some of his adderall in half and gave me a small bag of them to use for things like my ACT or other exams. I just recently used it and can’t believe how focused i was. i got so much done and had so much motivation. that, on top of it running in my family, makes me think i might have ADHD. all of these things strung together just make me crave that feeling again. not like an addiction, i only did it a few times, but i just can’t believe i’ve gone my whole life without that focus and motivation. it was amazing. i finally felt happy and like myself. but i’m not diagnosed with anything, so i can’t get either of these things. i’m sitting here, with no ability to do anything, feeling so down. i wish i could feel that way on a regular basis. i don’t know what it is that i need. i don’t know how to get it. thanks for reading. i guess drop any advice you have.

I'm manic, looking at shopping carts, bored and lonely. At least I know I'm not alone here.

I was in bed putting on my pants and my pajamas like whacked me in the head lol, so I tested to make sure I didn’t actually hit my head with like my hand? WTF? OCD - fear of injured? What’s my brain doing…. Looking for danger

hey, probably no one's gonna see this, but i have authorization from school to be at class during recess, 'cause i feel depressed and don't have any friends to talk to. the monitor called out this boy from my class, saying that he had to leave since he doesn't have health issues, then he said to the monitor "puff, health issues.. depression? he really should kill himself" and left. i tried to do this last night and listening to something like this wasn't cool at all, I'm feeling like i really should try this again.

I just want people to have a good time with me and have fun. Regardless of my feeling about the situation. To be honest, I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. Everything I know is that I would like to just lay there and cry but that's not really possible cause people don't like that. I have barely any friends where I can be myself cause I am scared they will leave me if I am to honest with them. My past relationship was the same... All I want is to find people where I am not afraid to be myself but I gues that's impossible since I have barely made new friends in the last time

Hi, I lost a loved one last week and my anxiety has made things very difficult for me. He was in the hospital for 17 days before his death and all this while, I have suffered by his side. It was an untimely death and I have so many questions so I need some help from you guys.

Girlfriend left me, I have to give up my house and pets. Life is a Bitch and it kicks me through the ground.

My fp ex boyfriend tried to use me for sex. He led me on while he knew I had been recently been diagnosed with bpd, and was pretty mentally unstable. He offered me a romantic relationship in return for sex which is really fucked up. Probably knew how dependent I was on other people. Immediately after I kicked him out of my life he got a girlfriend, who he apparently had been in love with while talking to me. I can't help but feel I wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't be her. I know I'm not inherently flawed but it kind of feels like it. He's everwhere in my life. He goes to my salsa club, he hangs out with my friends, etc. It's so triggering. I want to cry everytime he talks and brags about his, in his words, "perfect relationship." I don't know, it hit something deep inside of me. I think at this point it's mainly the fact that hurtful people can be happy and get no repercussions for their actions. I'm so bitter about it, I don't know what to think or do.

I was doing so well for the last couples of weeks. I stuck to my diet, exercised, went out to bars and social events more, and even had a genuine interest in my job. Now I feel utterly hopeless, mostly thanks to work. The depression and anti-social tendencies are back. This job that I work used to be so great, but now it’s become so tiresome. Being forced to manage others on the most basic task, while taking shit from old elitist fucks higher up than me. It sucks, especially since I’m a very soft hearted/kind man who hates telling others what to do/ being confrontational. People talk so much shit about me behind my back. I don’t understand. I haven’t done a single damn thing to make them hate me. It’s frustrating. Maybe I should just be an asshole and say fuck it. I hate it. I hate them. I didn’t before when I started, but now I do. So fucking much. Worst part of it all is they want to promote me into upper management which I would absolutely hate. Especially since I already have a degree and the job they’re “blessing” me with doesn’t even require one. I’m going to take it because I need the money and can’t find anything else that would pay as well (even thought I’d only be making $19 an hour). And before you wonder, yes my degree is in liberal arts. Fuck me times two. I know. I fucked up. I’m only 21, but I just wish something would kill me in my sleep. I’m tired of this job, of my failed relationships, of my inability to be a normal fucking man, my inability to stay disciplined and achieve my goals. I have a family, but I feel like they can’t stand me. No one who knows me personally can. I can’t even get a girlfriend to start a family. Everyone assumes I’m dating someone, but they don’t know how repulsive I am to women. Only 1 girl has ever liked me, and even she left me for someone better. Every girl after that ridiculed me and used me. I let them and I regret it. Never again. I understand how incoherent this all sounds given zero context. Here’s a TL;DR I feel like a failure and just want to die, mostly thanks to my job, my lack of motivations and lack of intimate relationships. I want to get out before this life/world gets more fucked.

I’ve had a severe anxiety disorder for all of my life (I’m 27) and I’ve found that my weird quirk with anxiety is that I believe in superstitions and luck and things that could bring me luck. For example, I was down at the beach for my birthday last year and I bought an ankle bracelet where you are supposed to make a wish as you tie it on and when it falls off your wish will come true! A normal person would think that it isn’t true and buy the bracelet cause it’s pretty. I actually think “i need all the luck i can get” and buy it for the wishing purposes. I’ve had this ankle bracelet on for almost a year and it’s fraying so bad (it’s made out of rope or some kind of twine) and is super lose and legit hanging on by a thread. It’s annoying me so much I just wanna cut it off but then I think those wishes I made when tying it on won’t come true and I’m gonna have bad luck so I have to wait for it to fall off. I’m like this was a lot of other things too like I used to forward chain mail to avoid bad luck and I have a necklace I wear all the time that I’m convinced will give me bad luck if I take it off for any reason. Is there anybody else that gets like this? It’s so frustrating and I just want to live my life normally. How do I get rid of these superstitions?

I've been stuck in a call centre job for 6 months and have hated every moment of it- I got way to attached to customers and as an effect, worked too hard and too long just for someones broken washing machine. Today, I and my partner went to verify our social payment claims when I realised I didn't want to work there anymore and that was why I was taking extended sick leave and not getting better. When discussing this with my case worked she said she that if my illness was affecting my ability to work full time then to work part time and claim benefits "that's what they are there for!" The instant we got back from that meeting, I called up and said I wasn't returning back to work and I haven't felt this happy since I went off for sick 3 weeks ago! No more hiding in the toilets and hallucinating! No more having to fake stomach bug in middle of my shift when I'm having a bad anxiety attack! No more late transport when I'm struggling in the morning! I still want to work, but part time and at home if possible, I don't want to work in retail anymore. A week ago I was terrified of going on benefits as I didn't want to be a "dole dossier". Now I've realised that I don't have to make my life harder than it has to be- its hard enough as it is with BPD, anxiety and depression!

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I've been diagnosed as a bipolar II on the beginning of this year, have been in treatment for, initially, just the depressive episodes and insomnia for the last 2 years. Later I could figure out that mild hypomanic episodes happened too, changed medication and officially got my diagnostic. I've been stable (just short episodes) for almost a year and my psychiatrist thought it was the time to decrease the dose of my antidepressants, but keep the other mood stabilizer (for the hypomania). I was scared, but confident that i could work out. Time skip for 1 month later, what is now, and I'm in a hellish depressive episode for almost a week. I hate feeling such raw emotions and this bajillion of feelings again. I can't work, I can't study. I'm tired because the lack of quality sleep, even with the sleeping pills. Therapy isn't working for me either. I tried exercises but I don't have any will to keep going. I feel sad for needing pills to function. So any advices on how to deal with this?

I'm becoming more and more aware that I need more friends that are closer to their actual emotions. I have too many guy friends. Help?

I feel like my life sucks so much that the best part is going to sleep and not having to deal with life for 9 hours. Can y’all relate?

I know this is silly but I’m literally in my early 30’s and I feel like my BPD is somehow getting worse? I’m in therapy every week, my husband and I see a couples therapist every other week, I have my DBT book, and yet, ever since the pandemic, it feels it’s really changed me as a person emotionally and like I can’t be calm and rational for a second. Before COVID I was doing so much better. I feel so sensitive to rejection, so sad on a daily basis. I cut myself for the first time since high school last week. My drinking is so bad my period is late. I cry almost daily. I feel like I don’t have anyone despite being married, having friends, a wonderful cat, and a family. I took Prozac for a decade before my borderline diagnosis and it didn’t seem to do much. I quit medicine once I was diagnosed 7-8 years ago. I’ve also tried Paxil, Zyprexa, Wellbutrin and Cymbalta (the actual worst) in the past. I was prescribed Zoloft by my physician (regular doctor) for my anxiety but I never took it since a former friend years ago told me it made him into a zombie and he had seizures from it. I know medicine affects everyone differently but it still scared me. I just don’t want to be burdened by these overwhelming feelings anymore. I’m scared. I feel more like 21 than 31 right now. I wish I could ask for medication recommendations to stop being so emotional but I see that results in a ban. I just want to stop feeling so much.

Self Care 📝 [Motivation ] https://mentalcareee.blogspot.com/?m=1)

So someone yelled at me for being a "BPDer" recently. I asked them what kinda insult that was and they just went on about how people with bpd have no remorse or empathy which I know ain't true but- Is this a common stigma a lot of people face? I've never faced it till now though I'm not too open about having bpd.

She’s having a baby and, yes, I’ll be supportive, yes, we will have our bond on the ground level, but it’s inevitable that our friendship dynamic will change and I’m grieving over it. I’m also worried about what it’ll mean for my social life. This has really highlighted how I don’t have a dynamic social circle to fall back onto. I have difficulty putting myself out there, let alone coming across people I wanna be friends with. Any suggestions or advice?

Sorry I’ve probably worded this so stupidly, but if I don’t keep myself occupied with something to do, or even just keeping the tv on in the background, my mind will always keep trying to find things to worry about. It’s so frustrating and mentally exhausting

Long post incoming: I'm currently a senior in high school and I'm basically at the crossroads for the rest of my life. Everyone around me from my parents to my academic counselors think that I have the skills needed to go to college just from my grades alone (mainly As and Bs) however I don't. For some context, during one of the last days of Sophomore year, I overreacted and started harming myself because I was afraid I wouldn't get EXTRA CREDIT. That whole experience made me want to avoid anything related to grades, school, academics for the entire summer as it would just trigger a depressive episode. Well that led me to not do any of my summer assignments until the last night and I ended up paying the price right off the bat. Currently, I have an F and a D which are the worst two grades I've ever legitimately gotten in high school. Sorry if I sound like a brat, I know there are people who struggle far worst with grades but I'm the person who breaks down just because I got a C. I build my self-worth off of my scores on tests and now I usually no longer check the scores in fear. I've learned after my first SAT that ignorance is bliss when you THINK you did well when in fact you failed. Now that college applications are coming, I'm stressing if my grades are good enough because I don't do a lot of extracurriculars because of my anxiety. I go to my library to volunteer and don't even do anything because I'm afraid of talking to the other volunteers there. Every time someone especially my mom tries to bring up college and all the shit that you need like personal statements, letters of rec etc, I just lash out in anger and start cursing at her. I know this is wrong but in that moment, I completely lose myself to emotion and can't help it. Sometimes I'll overeat to deal with the stress and that has led me to become gain weight despite my muscle mass being low. I look skinny but I'm actually overweight. Sometimes I have really shitty days and want to go to the counselor because I'm hurting myself but I'll talk myself out of getting help. Other times I have decent days and I'll talk myself out of it too. I can feel on top of the world and super confident but just because I fail a test or am reminded of my college chances, I fall down deep again. My emotions are just so unstable and every time I'm not super upset, I won't go and seek help even though I know my emotions are fleeting. That being said, should someone who is as emotionally unstable as myself go to college as a lot of my issues stem from academics and they end up spilling over into other parts of my life. Although my grades are decent, I'm very average compared to other kids at my school who I constantly compare myself to. Sometimes I think I don't work as hard as them while other times I think I do but in an unhealthy way ie. cramming. I also procrastinate a lot as you as see. My extracurriculars are lacking and I don't particularly have a passion or hobby as so much of my life now has been about distracting myself with entertainment so I don't feel depressed. As I work to survive, I struggle to find happiness but if I do things for happiness, I struggle to survive. I've yet to find something that balances the two and at this point, it feels like it's too late. I'm not big on community college because the closest one is 2 hours away and I don't want to have my parents house me anymore nor do I want to rent out a room and stress over a job to pay for it. My parents are not totally against but don't think I should go to trade school as I don't have many hands-on skills at anything and I've spent much more time in a classroom. That's not even getting into all the stuff about loan debt. Every day I struggle to control my emotions and that has led me to have no close friends, no long term hobbies/passions and great worry for my future. I don't want to blame mental illness for all my shortcomings a lot of it has been because of my own poor choices but the problem is that I struggle to rectify and accept those mistakes. Normally people learn but I overreact and become suicidal. Reading this back, I seem like a total loser who has no control over his life. Will I ever be able to live my life where I can take care of myself or will I have to burden my parents? I'm afraid to tell them the full extent of my mental health struggles because I don't want to worry about them anymore. I don't want them to spend so much on mental health services or medication. Note I have had zero professional mental health diagnosis up to this point. Any tips or general advice for my future course of action would be nice.

I accidentally took an extra Intuniv (blood pressure medication) this morning, and I feel like I took a Benadryl. I'm at work and I'm so tired that it's causing these intrusive thoughts that I'm going to have a seizure/die. I keep giving myself anxiety over little things and my body reacts to the stress, which only validates the worrisome thoughts and causes me to panic more. I'm just so sick of this, I'm sick of being a healthy young adult always so worried about death. It sucks the life out of me, I'm just so drained.

I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, don’t give a flying fuck about my life anymore. Every responsibility I keep choosing to ignore turns into a disproportionately bigger problem but I simply don’t care anymore. I really should kill myself. I’m not doing anything I’m being a burden but if I die my family would be traumatized so I keep living. But the longer I live the more problems I cause by being a useless piece of shit who can’t do basic tasks. I can’t live but I can’t die what the fuck do I do. I wanted to contact health services 2 months ago but I haven’t. I’m going to fail my classes again because I can’t fucking study. God please someone just end me I can’t do this. I’m going insane I can’t understand anything anymore. I don’t care about anything anymore.

I can’t bare the thought of my parents, other close relatives, friends, and pets will all leave some day and maybe before I do. I think about it all the time and take many pics and videos so I can save all the memories. A couple years ago my ex killed someone (I left him and he’s in prison but this is where all my death anxiety started), not too long after that a lot of mutual friends and old elementary school friends started dying, some family, and last month my ex has passed away. (I live in a bad city where unfortunately people get shot and overdose everyday) Not to mention I had to testify against my ex and I heard through a mutual that they were talking about killing me because of it. I’m more now scared they will go after family. My parents go outside to smoke multiple times a day/night so I’m constantly worried. I have told them. I still haven’t seeked any professional help which I feel may help a bit but some of my fears are rational. I’ve isolated myself in fear that people will find me through others, or maybe I’m being set up. Maybe they will see my in the car or at a store and hurt who I’m with as well. Maybe they’ll see me out with someone and target them as well. Idk. I have no one to talk to about this bc my friends that I have left brush it off to me being paranoid, quite frankly I don’t like talking about it much because it scares me anyway. I even quit my job a year ago in fear they will stalk me at my job and get me. Now I feel like a bum. It sucks too bc I’m finally not as depressed as I used to be, and I can’t express it and live bc of my anxieties. Sorry I just needed to rant thanks for listening :)

I'm a 37 year old, otherwise healthy male who has developed severe anxiety recently. In late November I had an incident in which I was calmly watching television, when I got dizzy broke into a cold sweat and then my vision turned black and white. Afterwards my heart was racing quite a bit because I was scared. I fell asleep, but woke up a few hours later and as I went to get myself some water the same thing happened. I had my wife take me to the emergency room because I wasn't sure what was happening. They couldn't find anything wrong with me, and told me I likely had an anxiety attack. I thought it was weird as I've never had anxiety before, and leading up to it I didn't feel anxious, just a bit nauseous. Fast forward a week, I was somewhat nervous about the entire ordeal but felt fine otherwise. I had a doctors visit with my GP to discuss my lab results, which were all fine. I told him I was worried about my heart and my general health. He said I seemed fine and ordered me a EKG to wear for a month just to be sure, and prescribed me Buspirone for anxiety. After I started taking the Buspirone, I went from feeling perfectly fine to feeling actual anxiety...something I now realize I didn't have, a hurt and tickle your chest at the same time, scared of everything, can't sleep, can't think anxiety. These were all feelings I have never felt before in my life. I only got through about 4 days of taking the Buspirone before I decided it was not for me. I had a couple days of lingering symptoms, then was normal for a week, then it came back out of nowhere...the same tickling in the chest, heart pounding, can't focus feelings, and insomnia. So I tried taking the Buspirone again, and the feelings were amplified again and I quit after another 3 days. Now, a month after last taking any medicine this racing heart, tickling in my chest, and insomnia won't go away. It has been affecting my work performance. I haven't been able to enjoy time with my kids, and I've been much less productive around the house; not because I'm tired (far from it actually) but because I can't get my mind to focus on anything. My thoughts are everywhere. The EKG monitor did not find any events that it considered a problem. I have a follow-up visit scheduled with my GP next week to discuss those results. I would like to know if anyone has any talking points, maybe suggestions I can bring up with him? Has anyone else experienced "withdrawal" from Buspirone? Maybe it has nothing to do with the medicine at all. Maybe I did simply develop anxiety at the same time I started taking the medicine. Is it possible that this will all sort itself out eventually? Could it be something else entirely?

I'm tired, my body and mind has reached a threshold and i physically cannot take this anymore. I cannot reach out only to be let down. I cannot start therapy only to be able to not afford it. There's no winning, absolutely no winning. Especially for a tiny, traumatized girl living in a third world country trying to navigate a world that's all too daunting and all too cruel. I just wanna stop. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't actually wanna die- I just wanna stop the pain, the flashbacks, the noise. But there's no way out for me, if I keep myself alive I'll be a walking corpse- what kind of a living would that be? wouldn't helping me put an end to my misery be the kind thing to do? you can put down an animal in pain, then why is it different for someone who's barely even a person anymore? I was born without my consent, the least I deserve is to decide if I wanna end it. I really don't need any sympathy or someone trying to change my mind. I'm a consenting adult and if you really wanna help me, then please help me die. You've no idea how happy it'd make me. Wouldn't it help you sleep better at night knowing you put someone out of their misery?

I was always a bit of a nervous person but last few years I started getting physical symptoms of anxiety: palpitations, sweating, running thoughts, sensitivity to sounds, shaking, dizzines. As far as I ve figured it out these symptoms are triggered by certain thoughts but I just don't understand why and why didnt this happen before. I used to lead very unhealthy life. I was procrastinating a lot, I never worked out, I ate very unhealthy, very low self esteem but I never had any symptoms of anxiety disorder and I was generaly care free, I was enjoying life. Currently Im in the best place in my life, I ve got most of the things in order and Im very pleased with myself but my mental health is absolute shit because for some reason my brain gets in to a fight or flight state when I think certain thoughts or when Im in social situations. I dont understand how did it come to this, can anyone help?

Hello everyone!! So all in all the past 5 months have been like living in hell. Working from home perm and first place I got from moving out of my moms has really taken a toll on me. I am currently in therapy and take 75mg of zoloft and started Buspar yesterday at night. 2 times a day 10mg total. SO, I went to ER yesterday for vomiting and nausea etc from what I presumed to be GERD. However I picked up that my anxiety is mainly physical responses and not nervous thoughts or a nervous feeling rather a response to stress. Hard to convince myself that may be the case because I used to constantly feel nervousness but that is gone. Anyways, the panic and increased heart rate all day long makes it hard to eat and sleep. I have cried 4 times total in the past 12 hours which is more than the last two years. My thought is my Zoloft is not working anymore. (I have been on it for 6-7 years. I am 23 currently) and I also have tried higher doses but had extreme side effects that where less than great. My question really is, does it get better. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don’t know what happened that just set me off like this. I thought I had everything handled pretty well and was functioning ok but I guess not. Has anyone had success with Buspar? I am praying to GOD himself that it kicks in soon and I get some relief. I just miss being myself and having fun and enjoying the day. Like I went on a 35 walk today to kind of calm myself (which seemed to help a tiny bit) BUT I CRIED TOWARDS THE END?! I smelt fresh mulch and memories came flooding in from when I was a kid with my brothers and they where such amazing memories and I just cried?! I would assume because I am longing for normalcy but idk. Sorry for the rant/vent. I just feel like I don’t have anyone right now that will listen. My bf seems to handle it pretty awkwardly and just tells me to lay down. I think he is just uncomfortable because he doesn’t know how to handle it. I DUNNO. please tell me some of you have been in this spot and that it does get better because I hate living like this :(

I want to lose all of my emotions because they only give me pain the people that i loved generally doesnt interest me and the i people loves me i just cant keep my interest to them and this is painful im social person but because of that i got bored people easily im alone i consume and trow people away and give them pain but i afraid more to hurt people than being hurted pls give me some advice i cant stand being lonely and hurting people’s ferlings anymore (im not native speaker so im sorry for my english)

I was diagnosed with GAD back in early 2019 after a rough few months dealing with the suicide of my father. I’ve been on and off antidepressants since that time, and I recently just started taking Zoloft again last Thursday. Well, a month ago, I had a weird sensation in my left shoulder and a little bit in my chest area. I went to the ER in a panic, and the doctor did a lot of the cardiac work-up such as an EKG, chest X-ray, blood work, etc. Everything was normal. I left and was good for a week. After a week, I began feeling the same type of way; I didn’t have any symptoms, I just felt anxious. After a few days, I began feeling weird sensations in my chest or my head. I was paranoid about a heart attack or stroke. Went to the ER again, and everything was normal. Bottom line is, I have these somatic symptoms that come and go and have been to the ER several times over the last month with a clean bill of health. I feel that I’m going crazy! And it’s so scary because I feel as if I’m driving my loved ones crazy when I show concern. I just wish my brain would trust the doctors and stop trying to convince me of some cardiac issue or whatever I’m fixated on!

I have this weird mismatch going on where I‘m hypersexual, but I think I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum (I’d say demisexual is the closest match, but I just label my sexuality/romantic orientation as “queer”). Basically, I will have sex with partners if they want to do it, but I don’t actually *feel* sexually attracted to a partner until I’m super comfortable with them or I feel like I’ve known them long enough. Idk it just feels strange to me, because it leads to these moments where part of my brain is freaking out like “sex right now !!!” and the other part is panicking like “but with *who* ?!?!” Idk if this is a just-me thing lmfao

First post on my alt, yay! I’m currently at a friends house and it’s 12:30am. My anxiety is absolutely consuming me. All I want is to go home. I drove here so technically I can go home if I want to, but that would involve waking her and her mom up to let them know that I’m leaving so they can lock the door behind me. I’m shaking so badly and I’m so homesick, and I don’t even have my headphones with me. I’m so dumb, I thought about bringing them but I just didn’t. I have work in the morning and it’s one of those nights where I just KNOW I won’t be able to sleep. I can tell I’m about to cry, too. Fuck, I just want to go home, I want to leave and drive around until I can calm myself down. It’s like those nights I had in college where I wouldn’t sleep, and I just cried and cried all night. I don’t wanna do it again, I don’t wanna go through that again I’m so scared

Hey, so I am currently at a psychodiagnosis and the psychiatrist said to me that I have a personality disorder but she's not sure wich one (is part of the cluster b) So i wanna know; what kind of test are done when trying to figure this out? I'm asking this here because this was the only subredit I found that seems to provide proper answers, but if you know of another one I could use please tell

TW: Suicidal ideation, Trauma, War/Humanity At the end of Feb I was exposed to some material from the Ukraine-Russia war on my partner's phone. Prior to I had heard about issues, but not been keeping up with anything. I then spent a whole day stuck on the Internet reading up about the War and watching all kinds of reputable (confirmed) footage of what was happening. I had already been in a bad mental space and this just made it worse (lack of faith in humanity due to terrible things that have happened in my life and others). I then managed to put it aside for a while until today when I saw a post about it on Reddit. I went down the same spiral, and then eventually into North Korea, and Jonestown Massacre, etc, etc. I have been contemplating suicide on and off for a few years and the most recent is the longest and most work I've made toward doing it. My reason to kms is around my personal trauma, but seeing historical and present atrocities happening at the hands of fellow humans makes me f*cking sick to my stomach. Along with my own shit, I don't want to be around to see the next horror show unfold due to a fucked up species that doesn't have it's priorities straight.

There are going to be a few parts to this post, so bare with me. I'll title each section, so you can decide what you want to read and skip over unwanted section. Thank you for clicking!! **(My Issues)** I realized a year ago that I have Borderline Personality Disorder after talking to multiple therapists and actually looking at my issues. At this point I have also been diagnosed with C-PTSD, Insomnia, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, ADD, and Depression. I also have many medical issues going on that are thought to have been caused by my childhood (some of these conditions are Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Restless Leg Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I'm going to see a rheumatologist to see if I have some bigger underlying autoimmune disorder due to my increased likely hood due to chronic stress growing up.) A lot of my issues, both mentally and physically, are still kinda a mystery and the amount of symptoms makes diagnosing me confusing. **(Emotionally Abusive Childhood)** I basically hit both check marks (genetically and environmentally) when it comes to developing BPD. My mother has BPD and I was raised being emotionally abused by her for 15 years. My mother and father split when I was 5 which left me and my two half siblings alone to be raised by my mother. It mainly consisted of random spouts of anger, extreme manipulation, isolation (both physically and emotionally), being set against my other siblings, and surrounded by bad habits that I soon took on. I never realized that what my mother did was so bad until my siblings and I had friends telling us that what she did was fucked up. My two older siblings (who are 10+ years older than me) and I just had to fend for ourselves. My sister was the first to move out and go to college and my brother (who has ADHD and Aspergers) stayed living home after he graduated, keeping to himself the majority of the time. When I was 15 and my brother was 25, we both finally realized that the situation was messed up and moved out. I moved in with my dad and my brother moved in with his own dad and step-mom. **(Repressed Anger/Dealing With The Outcome)** After moving out and starting to recover, I started realizing how messed up I've become due to my childhood. I have been working a ton with my psychiatrist/therapist with actually seeing that what happened was bad and that I am actually deeply hurt. I seem to have gotten so "good" at bottling up my emotions to the point where I can't even realize what I am feeling. The only emotions I can really understand constantly that I feel is anger and fear. (which kind act hand in hand together). Like many, My way of coping as a child was to dissociate and ignore how I feel. Now, I am easily annoyed and filled with rage with most any social interaction. My psychiatrist is thinking that it's because of my bottled up anger that is causing my medical issues. She says that if I keep unconsciously forcing my body to deal with my anger for me, the worse my medical issues will get. They're already so bad and I'm still pretty young. At this rate, I'm going to be very medically messed up very early in life. **(Paranoia/Overwhelming Fear)** When I'm not angry, I'm constantly scared of everything. My mind is constantly thinking about the worst thing possible that could happen at every moment. I am even scared of the people I think that I trust most. It stops me from doing stuff with my life that I've always wished to do. I have become a hermit and stay in my room on my computer. My medical issues also highly contribute to this issue (it hurts to move around too much and I get tired out easily). **(Overview Of All This Fun Stuff)** I really want to learn how to feel again and control my feelings when I get extremely emotional. It feels impossible because of all the issues piling up. I know getting better will take a long time + a lot of work and that I want to get better, but I have issues with focusing (due to ADD), sticking and working towards goals, and changing my lifestyle to incorporate healing activities in it. Do any of you have advice about learning how to feel and releasing repressed emotions? Also, any idea on how to start trusting the world more (aka not being as paranoid)? I'm open to any advice that is given. Thank you and have a nice day!!

do you guys have days when you don't really feel anxious? i have a few like every month and i never know what to do with them, i always feel like i have faked my anxiety all along (for 15 years??). but then it hits me again the very next day and i'm back to my normal self. i just - ugh. i don't know. it's really fucking me up, making me feel like everyone else for a while and then dragging me down again.

I feel so so deep down and noone see it. Noone see me.. People say you matter but when something happens they switch that face. I dont matter. Just feel bad

I don't even know what to say. I know that it's my responsibility to deal with my actions despite cards I've been dealt, but it's my pain too. Snapping while trying to get better, something you never particularly believed i could do or at least never cared to express to me that you think I was capable of it, and now you suddenly care because of how sick this makes you feel. I understand to a degree, its a normal reaction from a normal stable human being and I shouldn't be against it and I hope that I am not, maybe you didn't understand what you signed yourself up or maybe you really did, just thought I was better then this. I'm glad I got to see what I was capable of, i know you aren't but maybe this is something that should have happened. Better sooner then later. And I'm glad I let you know. My first reaction was letting you know. And now it's time for you to be the ultimate judge of which of my words hold meaning and which ones are empty. I know that it should fall on my head, and it has, and I have no issue with it I accept the consequences of my actions, I guess I'm just disappointed in your surprise. Maybe I shouldn't be, maybe that meant that you saw me as something good but God were you fucking warned. I can't help but resent you for that a little bit. Intrusive thoughts are intrusive thoughts, they beg at you convincing you they know the correct course of action and they don't stop yelling until you've done it proceeding to then laugh at you for going through with it. The fact that I am willing to approach this in a manner that's not plainly self destructive and self isolating, not for you but for me says so much more then you realise. I have been trying so much more then you realise. But you still feel the need to call out how disappointed you are in my reaction, on what basis I don't know, all I know is the conclusion — your inability to trust that I can change myself, that my ambitions will fall short of my abilities. Its so easy for you to deattach yourself from it too, while leaving so many emotions behind and not putting enough down. I hate that I resent you for it. May I get better and learn to control myself and if I can't, may I not. There's so much more I want to add to this statement but I know that it's truer this way. The fact that you don't hate me, bothers me too. "If you were the person I wanted you to be you wouldn't be the person I wanted you to be", I hope that this is your cure from me, maybe that's what's better for you. I hope that this is an end, I'm scared that it is an end. I hope that it is a beginning, I'm scared that it is a beginning. And I know that I hope all this just so that I can cope, but fuck that, they are real feelings god dammit, and at this stage in my life this is the only way I know how to deal with it. This is part of the person you liked. And now that I have become unlovable and not someone worth loving I fear so badly it will stay that way because I know that it's the truth. Because if I do get better would that person still be able to provide you with enough mental stimulation, and if I don't I don't. I don't know if you still have things to say to me, but I hope I'll hear them someday. I hope I was somewhat worthwhile to you, and I'm glad you think I helped you be a better person, I just I don't know if I was ever able to do more, if I was ever able to me more. I wish I knew how you genuinely felt about this entire thing and about me. I wish I knew how I genuinely felt too. I'm glad you stuck around this long, though you call this sentence bullshit I believe it. I hope I'll be a memory that sticks in your . I both fear that this is a goodbye and hope that it is, because I don't want to lose you, which I don't even know why, and because I hope I get the last word in. This piece of text is flawed and I dislike that it's become more and more of an ultimatum as I kept writing, my feelings really do trigger my own feelings. I am flawed. I hope that reading this in the morning will be somewhat useful to understanding and regulating myself and serve more of a purpose then being another keepsake of my mind. Ultimately some of this is deserved. I cannot be an honest judge. I am my own back and forth.

I honestly don’t feel stable enough to work again and am scared that I will loose any job after a few months, again. But I recently got out of impatient and I feel like sitting at home all day is making things worse. And I need money, bad. I can’t keep relying on other people to support me. I’m starting school again at the end of august and want to work too for money, but I’m really scared of getting overwhelmed and spiraling. What are some easy, and easy to get with little qualifications, jobs for people with depression and anxiety? I always say people saying to work remote but that’s impossible

Sometimes I want to live and enjoy everything this world has to offer other times I want to be left alone in my darkness until it swallows me hole then there’s times I want to die and get it over with I have no one to talk about this with because when ever I bring it up to my mom she just says do we need to go to the hospital I use to have a therapist but none of them seem to help my meds don’t do shit I hate how I feel so comfortable in my own depression why can’t I be fucking content all the time

I sh a week ago for the first time in 4 months and I instantly told my dad a week later I sh again and didn't tell my dad because I dont know. he'd take away my stuff, my sharps, and i'd proabably would end up in hospitial. This is the only thing keeping me from offing myself so like guess this is now becoming a regular thing again. Guess I'm fucking back to grade 8 again and sh every single day. The urges and my feelings are too much. I'm angry at myself and I'm also releived that I can do this again. I feel ashamed for it, but fuck I missed that feeling.

Feel free to go into as much detail as you would like. I'm trying to figure out what my best course of action is. Thanks!

I've been depressed for many years now... Debt Hair loss Autistic (it's not a gift/superpower. It's made my life hell. Connecting with people is difficult) Stressful job No job (just lost it recently) I find I don't have much energy these days, not even to do things I once loved. All I want to do is sleep. Nothing seems to be able to hold my attention for very long. Not sure what I should do.

Hi everyone, I’m new to this group. For the last 2 years I’ve been under the impression after going through different avenues to seek a diagnosis for Bipolar. I have been experiencing manic episodes for years, in thousands of pounds of debt due to these episodes, and honestly the list goes on. I’m very emotionally unstable etc. I’ve got a lot of trauma, and when I had my final appointment for diagnosis and we dove into my childhood, I feel like from that point on she was set on BPD and the mania was overlooked. I then said can you experience manic episodes like I have been with BPD? And she said yes and now that’s my diagnosis and I’ve been prescribed medicine for it also and anti-psychotics. One thing is though, all of my research I’ve done on BPD, which I must admit I relate to all of it, doesn’t mention anything to do with mania. All of the women on my maternal side either have Bipolar or BPD. Should I keep pursuing a bipolar diagnosis also? Thank you!

Let’s say you are playing tennis with your friend and she wins the point and out of excitement she cheers, Do you get upset and think she only cheered to upset, or because she was excited in the moment? I’ve been diagnosed with BPD since i was 15 (17 now) and i have a hard time controlling what i get upset about

I feel like I’m drowning in my sadness even though I have very little reason to be sad. High school hurts me so much I feel broken. bullies say such cruel things to me without a second thought I have no idea what I want now. There is a numb emptiness in my heart. I have no idea what to look forward to

This has happened so much in my life that I just feel like it's not really worth it anymore. I'm married and at this point I feel like, hey I'm good, I don't need to do this with other people, put my whole heart on the line etc etc. But people always encourage me to speak to others about how I'm feeling and whatever. But when I do that, I'm always met with the same response, regardless of who I talk to (unless it happens to be some of my peers or a therapist assigned to my case). For background, I'm 21 almost 22. My whole life, especially childhood was filled with violent trauma and hard addiction. So my brain developed a little different than most people. While I have trouble with things like hygiene and self care sometimes in a cycle of manic anxiety/depression, I always come full circle and reclaim myself and my life. And the trouble I have with it has decreased, while the amount of time I have to be okay has increased by a lot. But.. of course it's still hard, and at times makes me very anxious, very depressed very emotional. Also, there's a chance I'm pregnant right now which complicates things even more, not just hormonally but because I'm transmasc and pregnancy has always been really rough on me. Also, husband just left to bootcamp where we can't talk for a while. So, this time it hit harder. Anyways, when someone asks me how I'm doing and I tell them, they always try to give me advice on how to fix whatever it is I'm going through, and lo and behold it never works, I've been given the same advice for years and I used to take all of it that I could. I'm fine, however, just going through something. I understand what it is. But why do people always have to pull that one card. The one where they call me a child. I'm aware my emotional/mental development was stunted. But also, I'm fine..??? I don't need anyone's "help" if it's not even constructive. Also really triggering for me. I won't go into details but it has to do with deep traumas... One more person I can't trust I guess...

Do we say 'I'm bipolar,' 'I have bipolar disorder,' or something else? Just curious.

Try this and let me know how it works for you. According to one article "*people with BPD have prefrontal cortexes which are inactive and inefficient. This is one of the reasons for some of hallmark symptoms of BPD including impulsivity.*"^(1) Yogic meditation practices also focus attention on this part of the brain^(2). So when you become aware of negative mental thoughts, bring your focus and the negative thoughts up to the upper front part of the brain. The act of lifting our focus upwards instead of a downward spiral helps change our mood and get rid of the negative associated thoughts. So take a deep breath relax and change your focus. Direction is important here, down is negative and up is happy. \*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\*\~\* 1 - \[sources for this article are a bit vague\] [https://medium.com/@KevinRedmayne/its-all-in-your-head-borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-brain-c14b66eb0966](https://medium.com/@KevinRedmayne/its-all-in-your-head-borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-brain-c14b66eb0966) 2 - Focus is actually on the third eye chakra, but when the eyes are closed and you are deep in a meditative state the medulla, prefrontal cortex, and crown chakras melt together.

I've had my two remaining friends basically disown me and say awful shit to me and block me all since 2021 started. They told me that everyone laughs about me behind my back and I'm not even sure if it's true. I honestly think people are out there scheming to destroy me. I see the way they look at me. The mockery in their eyes. I sometimes even hear my name being called by familiar voices but I look around and no one is their. I even hear the occasional 'beep boop' sound. I've always felt like people were flirting with the idea of scheming against me but it's only during the past few years that I have felt they have gone full force in trying to mentally destroy me and cause me huge anxiety. Whenever I go outside I am hyper vigilant because I never know when one day someone calls my name in a familiar voice and it is for real. It's interesting one of the familiar voices I hear is from a former bully I had back in high school. It's been years since I've seen him so I dont know why he would be apart of the process. ANyway I didn't know where to post because I don't know how I feel other than pretty bad anxiety. Not everywhere gives me anxiety. I live on the outskirts of my city so it's quieter but going into the city especially shopping centers are the worst. I feel like everyone is looking at me. Sometimes when I turn around I see someone looking at me but then they quickly look away. I'm not sure what process is going on right now or what is even going on. But it really sucks feeling this way. Is there anyone else here that feels similar to me in this instance I want to at atleast know im not the only one experiencing this kind of weirdness

They have been trying their best to help me for so long now. I am too scared to go to therapy and I hate talking about all of the shit in my head. It's too expensive but they say I need it. Maybe they're right but I can't ever work up the courage and ask for it. They also told me maybe I could call a trans helpline (I'm nb) and that could help but idk. It's so exhausting. They go to therapy and take anxiety meds but idk if it will be as successful for me. I'm way tok stubborn. Idk if it's even worth me stressing over asking my parents for it.

I’ve had this fear for as long as I can remember but I have no idea where it stems from at all. It’s irrational and I know it’s weird that I feel this way but I can’t help it. It has gotten in the way of me having a job because I’m so terrified of male coworkers and customers. It’s gotten in the way of potential relationships and friendships because all I do is avoid it. I don’t know what caused it and I don’t know how to help it. The first incident I can remember when I was confronted with this fear was when I was 4 or 5 years old. I can’t remember all the details exactly but I do remember this one older girl (maybe only several years older than me) was talking to me while my mom was having a conversation with someone else. At some point, this girl was trying to convince me to go over and greet this other guy that was also there who was the same age as her. For some reason, I just couldn’t do it. When she kept trying to convince me I basically broke down in tears because I was so scared. She kept telling me that it was okay but my mind kept telling me that it wasn’t. It just told me over and over again that I shouldn’t go. I think eventually I did but I was severely uncomfortable. The second time happened when I was in kindergarten I’m pretty sure. It was after school and my mom had some meeting to attend at the school and these two older boys were left to watch over me and this other girl until the meeting was over. In the meantime, we were playing on one of those famous mats with the town design and the roads and whatnot, the one every kid basically had, with some hotwheel cars. The whole time I was with them, I was so anxious to the point that I was shaking but I was trying so hard to hold back my tears. At some point, one of the boys crashed his car into mine and that was when I finally just broke down and bursted out crying. They tried to comfort me to me to calm down but nothing worked. I think eventually one of them just took me to see my mom during the meeting and I just rushed over to her while I was still bawling my eyes out. For years I thought it was completely normal to have this fear and I was convinced that every other girl had it too. When I saw other girls talking to guys just fine I admired them because I thought they were so brave. I was puzzled but impressed at the same time. But quarantine has made me think a lot and I came to the realization that this actually wasn’t normal at all. To make this post shorter I will express the other experiences I’ve had with this fear in point form: - Whenever a group of guys sat near me at school I would start shaking and get anxious - If I was outnumbered in any situation that had to with guys I would feel paralyzed and wouldn’t be able to talk - the only time I would feel remotely comfortable around guys was if they were friends with any of my older siblings because I felt like they would protect me. - I realized that most of the guys I was scared of had certain features; usually Caucasian, with brown hair (light or dark) or blonde hair, taller than me, either the same age as me but if they were a couple years older it would scare me even more. Most guys I wasn’t scared of usually had darker hair, different ethnicity, or that were a lot older than me. - Back when I was a kid I did have friends that were boys but I could never feel completely comfortable with them and I pushed those feelings aside. As I got older, I just chose not to interact with them at all. Recently I’ve also had dreams of being SA that I won’t get into but they do happen occasionally. It’s the reason why I’m even putting this post out there in the first place. If anyone can provide insight I would be so thankful. Sorry for the post being so long.

Me and my fav person broke up 2 months ago. Although it has been rough at times I’ve found not having a FP is better for me. Relying on one person for all emotional support and basing your emotions off theirs is exhausting for both parties. I think this is a big part of why sometimes letting a FP go is the best for both parties. I recognise that I am hard to be with especially when this is the relationship dynamic. I know I have some growth to do to be able to be in a healthy relationship but I know it’ll come. I hope to get to a point where me and my FP are good for each other.

does anyone else start listening to a lot of music when theyre about to be manic or hypomanic (not sure yet which ones i get, new to bipolar)?? like if i just suddenly listen to music all the time its like a sign "oh shit i am gonna be manic" usually during my depressive episodes or normal(?) days i just avoid music because i am scared it will affect me negatively i am like that now, no sleep, 3 cups of coffee in just a few hours, music all the time, having weird delusions about dying just so i could live a life with a character from a movie in the afterlife, but still i feel so good... i am kinda scared that i ll become out of control because its like i am being eased slowly into the episode... currently i am aware but i may not be soon...

I don't have any mental illness issues so sorry if this is the wrong sub. I'm talking about anxiety that I created by being an idiot and not the anxiety disorder. Anyways I made a bit of a mistake, kinda ruined a friendship. I took responsibility and sent a big apology text - currently awaiting reply and I'm feeling super lightheaded, stressed, and I can't focus on anything. Whenever I tried to pickup food to eat this morning I just had these waves of nausea all over body and I legit couldn't eat. Idk how to explain it because but I like literally couldn't put the food in my mouth and chew. Anyways, Ive never felt like this before and idk what to do. I'm embarrassed about my actions so I don't want to talk about it with anyone irl.

Alright. Had some pretty ptsd type occurrences the last couple years, most recently being the worst. So after that, I never truly got over it cause I didn’t even know how it affected me or how much. Not. Good. Bad place mentally, and my drug addiction kicks full swing. Hardest of the hard. Woulda made ‘D.A.R.E.’ worried type shit. Awake weeks at a time. No sleep. Barely ate. Then would crash out on a downer. ODed. Near deaths. Not only myself but people in the room with me. A friend, a couple. Brought back to the living because of nothing more than my experience with a horrible childhood/life. Do you know how to bring someone back that has oded on heroin to the point of reflex? Mentally it was bad enough the thought of the release of death seemed like a fantasy. Serious shit. Well recently had a breakdown. Happened 6 months back and just again. Like I’m waking up. My consciousness breaking thru to reality. Realizing how bad the drug use, depression, dissociative personality really is. Like watching my life happen thru a screen knowing I’m not controlling my self. Like someone took over and I can’t stop it. Not that I felt that way the whole time. Just that the memory of the feeling of not Being in control and feeling someone else is. Hard to explain. Like emotion and feelings and sadness take over, my life goes to shit, then I snap back to myself by smoking a little weed. Sounds dumb but it’s like my refresh button. I realize what I’m doing. That I’m out of control and change. For a few months. Drug induced psychosis it feels like with a little bipolar and a little depression. Split personality maybe ? Help

There are 4 reasons I cannot act on my feelings. 1 he's married 2 he's my boss 3 I have bpd (borderline personality disorder) 4 we could lose everything - his marriage, our jobs, my mind February 2019 will be 2 years of abstainence, and for good reason (bpd stuffs). I have a way of swiftly removing anyone from my life whom I believe is a threat. I'm well practiced at it. I can do it backwards, upside, with my eyes closed, left-handed; like it's nothing. But these sexual feelings towards my boss are throwing me off. So far, we have not acted on anything, just words & flirting. About a month ago, he agreed to be my mentor and he's also my direct report, and we also sit right next to each other in our call center. My seat was recently moved right next to his and I have a hunch that it may have been his decision. Something I value is that I have a strong sense of the difference between fantasy and reality. I know my fantasies are for me, and me alone, and I get to keep them guilt-free. But the reality is that, somehow I've found myself right at the cusp of crossing the line. He has been forward in letting me know he's dtf, and has no problem having extramerital sex. He says they have a sort of "don't ask don't tell" thing going on. Of course that is still not something I'm ok with and my prefrontal cortex is screaming "run far run fast this is a blatantly easy decision". But the more primal part of me; the lonely, horney part, is flattered and turned on. Also, since this interaction began, I've been eating better, exercising, and feeling happier about coming to work. I know that this can all flip on its head in an instant when you have bpd, but I'm enjoying the inspiration & motivation I get from the interaction with him. All relevant insight is welcome! How did you handle it or witness a similar situation being handled?

I told him I had bpd and bipolar and explained a bit in general terms what that means for people (not even speaking about myself just general)...because we've been on 4 awesome dates and he seems to really like me so I figured I'd let him know before anything got more serious. But he told me I was over sharing and now I feel really ridiculous and embarrassed 😢

It seems so unfair that I dont want to exist, but can't stop existing without everyone close to me being hurt. I guess I'm lucky I'm loved enough that me killing myself would ruin a few people lives... but it doesn't seem fair! I never asked to exist and it's so hard living inside my head. I'm just trapped in this shitty brain. Then comes the horrible spiral of wanting to talk to someone about it but knowing that would upset them. And on and on forever until I have no idea what I'm actually upset about. I'm undiagnosed (waiting on an appointment) but lots on this subreddit really resonates with me.

I've not had a single person in the past 12 years that looks at me as a romantic interest. I've been single for pretty much all my life. No one cares to know me, I'm just a background person in the lives of many. I'm here to fill the little void they have and nothing more. My colleagues all have relationships. My friends too... and siblings. I'm alone but surrounded by many. Just recently, I've been using dating apps. I get very little matches and I get zero replies after sending the first message. Sad times. I just want to hug someone that also wants to hug me back....

I'm starting university in 6 weeks and was only given enough financial aid to cover 15-20% of the cost of attendance. Both of my parents are hardworking immigrants who have only recently experienced financial success. They just both turned 40 but regardless of how many times they tell me everything will work out, looking at the price always wants to make me cry and dig myself in a hole. I got into NYU and they're very proud, but how much of that matters if I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when they start paying. The deadline to pay is 2 weeks and it just feels like I am nothing but overwhelmed. This made me realize how truly lonely I am in this new journey. I am a first generation high school graduate with no family to offer advice. It's just my parents and me entering a completely new world without any knowledge. They are depending on me to succeed but how can I, all I can think about is the financial burden I am. They are both the most hardworking and genuine people in the world and it just breaks my heart having to talk with them about the price. It's just a endless flow of doubt, worry, panic, and tears when I think about their age, health, stress, etc. Any moment I have to work on anything relating to registering before the fall, it just makes me upset and cry. I've never felt so hopeless and afraid.

Hi, So I ate at a restaurant by myself. Staff was really nice and I enjoyed their food. After eating, I cleaned my table (put everything together), stood up, walked towards the restaurant's exit, struggled to push open the door, only to be stopped by a staff and be told that I haven't paid my bill yet. Jesus, I have completely forgotten that I was at a restaurant, not a fast-food chain. The staff was nice and handed me the bill, and I apologized, paid it and even gave him a huge tip, because it was embarrassing. When I got home, I called them and said sorry. They were nice and told me it was okay. I could not stop thinking about this. It was humiliating. My brain is really tired of thinking about so many things. 😑 I feel like disappearing.

I feel like I'm having two conversations constantly with people. Im in trouble at my job I managed to keep it but idk how long. Everything is always put through this verbiage of "to help me" but in the end all anyone wants is for me to say I'm at fault and ill shut up.It happens at work(wfh), therapy, personal life ... I get the message I'm the problem but idk what I'm supposed to do to fix it other than just keep my mouth shut and apologize forexsisting. I guess I'm then supposed to be fixed of my problems once the conversation is over and everyones agreed I'm the issue. Beyond that I'm obsessing still on" better" and now what an "emotional wall" is. I answered everything my counselor asked but something there wasn't an answer beyond I'm the problem. Idk what better would be. Im struggling just to get out of bed it doesn't matter what to do lists I make... I just don't see a point anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to get help because I'm not worth helping. All I do is everything wrong. Idk what anyone wants at this point bc I have accepted I'm the issue an apologized an it is not enough to be worthy of help.

I just realised that I have been sexualising myself since I was a fucking 12 year old just so I could feel validated and I'm a fully grown adult now and I still do it. I just wanted to have a normal life but now I am traumatised ever further by the fact I got groomed to such extent for years without realising it and now I'm just crying, it really hurts. I just want to be loved but again, I am a selfish and manipulative bitch. I'm so fucking tired of myself. I keep hurting everyone including myself even when that's not my intention. All I just want is to feel normal and have someone who actually wants me for who I am instead of my body. I didn't sign up to have this shitty disorder that sucks up all my energy. I'm so done with the constant self harm, attempts, pyschs, meds and everything else that comes up with it.

I was not able to make much friends.i was pretty much okay for a long time. But recently my anxiety disorders started becoming severe. Now I feel lonely at the end of the day.

It's so draining being on guard when I am around people, so I go through periods during which I isolate. People complain about me isolating. I come out of isolation, and immediately I mess something up. Immediately everyone thinks I'm dumb. Immediately I'm forced into a position in which I have to drain what little bit of social energy I have into either defending myself or admitting that I'm an idiot. Every single worry builds up around people, and this is making it to where I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded by people. I'm just venting here. I've lost my insurance, so counseling is done with. I was trying to start seeing a psychiatrist again, but that's gone.

no, it doesnt get better. you’ll feel that heavy lump poking you from the inside every single morning. that person youre longing for wont come home. that costly therapy wont fix you. nothing can ever fill the void inside you. yes, you’ll be this way forever. your life is over. everything is over.

Sorry it’s long, but please read! Imagine you are in a desert and have been for several days. You are dying of thirst and you come across a large bottle of water with a sign that reads drink me. You’re so excited to drink the water and quench your thirst when you suddenly think, “wait a minute…what if someone poisoned this water? It’s pretty conveniently placed here in the middle of nowhere. Should I drink it? I’m really thirsty but, what if I die?” The instinct of thirst is saying, “well what if we don’t drink it and die of dehydration?” This is the problem that those who have life altering anxiety are faced with. The ego is stuck in an impossible situation to solve. You can’t know for sure if the water is poisoned or not, but you know you’ll likely die if you don’t drink it. There is no answer to this problem, and so we continuously try and fail to find one. What can we do? Think about the concept of poisoning. A lizard faced with the same problem would have no idea of poisoning and drink the water without fear. It’s our ability to ponder possible outcomes that creates this impossible problem. First of all, both the instinct to quench thirst and that of not being poisoned are both meant to help us survive. So which voice do we listen to? At some point in this persons life, they learned to fear being poisoned. When they did, that fear became ingrained as a belief to protect them. There is no need for them to question that belief, for if they did, they might make the mistake of being poisoned, so the fear exists unchallenged. But now that fear is working against them. If they learned that when they became aware of fear of being poisoned that it was irrational, then they would drink the water without question. But the possibility exits, so the fear becomes unconscious and repressed (Freud) in order to protect. Eventually, the instinct to quench one’s thirst will win out and it will not matter if the water is poisoned or not. It is CERTAIN death if the water is not drank. So the question is, why not just drink the water in the first place? To translate this to anxiety suffers the point is this…listen to your instincts. You may, through therapy or sessions of hypnosis or an autobiography become aware of WHEN you learned to “fear being poisoned,” and no longer let that stop you. Or, you can listen more closely to the instincts and act on them, as in the end, when it comes down to it, you’ll be forced to anyway. The alternative is death. Stay strong 💪

My wife was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago, so we’ve spent a lot of time trying to learn how to work through it. It’s been helpful having this diagnosis as now we have a place to start with our learning, but there has definitely been a lot of difficulties in our relationship. I also have ADHD which can already put some strain on a marriage, and can exacerbate some of our issues. I love my wife to death and want to know how I can best support her and help her, and also just learn more about how her brain works! So for those who have BPD, what have your significant others done to support you that has helped you the most? In what ways do you feel you needed help/support that you haven’t gotten, or don’t get often? What’s the best way to set health boundaries in relationships? Any and every bit of advice you can give me helps!

I realized what triggered it is that I have been afraid for the past three days that he just wasn't feeling the relationship and that when I wake up one morning he is just going to send me a long message about how he can't handle me anymore and leave me and ghost me. Of course, my BPD ass didn't tell him that straightforward and I get angry at him for saying "I can't help you". He doesn't know much about this illness at all but I think ANYONE with fucking empathy would not say "Get over yourself" or "Just don't think about it". God. This is literally a repeat of my last relationship. Every relationship I have is doomed to fail because of this fucking piece of shit disorder. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and the devaluing period is going to be over and I'm going to feel so guilty for the things I said to him but in my defense he said some pretty apathetic things to me which is why I was angry. I said to him "Well if you can't handle me then just leave me. I want the best for you and if I'm not the best for you right now you have every right to leave me." I feel like a fucking monster. I have to wake up for work in seven hours and I'm really close to just calling out.

sorry for bad english. am i still depressed if i don't have suicide thoughts?? i'm recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic disorder but it's been a week now since i'm taking the medicines and i'm not having any suicide thoughts in those week. also i'm not feeling any pain like usual in my chest. i'm starting to doubt myself, maybe i'm just acting depressed for attention?? although i'm feeling emotionally blunt/numb and experiencing tremors. i know i should be glad that the medicines are working but i'm feeling lost. i'm actually scared of losing my depression because it's been a part of me for too long, and without depression i feel like i don't have any personality or identity. i don't know what to do.

Hello. Just venting here because I don’t want to vent it to my friends, say the wrong thing and make them think I hate them all. I’ve posted this on a bunch of other similar subreddits in hopes I’d get some advice, but to no avail. I am straight 17M. My friends however are almost all female and are LGBT+. They are wonderful people, the closest and greatest people in my life! For some background I’ve never been in a relationship, single my whole life and very touch deprived. Anyways, one on one I like hanging out with them, very energetic and uplifting, caring and just overall amazing friends, but when multiple of us hang out, it becomes very apparent I’m the outcast of the group. They’ll crack many sexual jokes at one another, which can be awkward at times but that’s there humor I guess! But that’s where I started to realize I don’t fit in, they make those jokes they’ll laugh, if I were to make one (I never have, or ever will) it would come off as very creepy. I mean that’s fine it’s just some jokes, but then there was this one particular incident. We all got together at one of their houses and just overall having a good time. But that whole time I just felt like the outlier. The distance in my demeanor was rather apparent to the host, and she tried her best to check on me and make me feel included (much to my appreciation). Just to visualize the setting for you, there were some chairs scattered around in a circular shape, with a couch thrown into the mix. I was sitting there on one of the chairs just hanging out, then slowly they all gathered on the couch, just embracing one another and being physically intimate, in a platonic way. 6 of them all huddled on that couch just being happy and overall together. Then there was me, just sitting on a chair, alone. That whole ordeal lasted 5 minutes maybe, but similar things happened in smaller scenarios and groupings throughout the night. Now I understand that this may come across as creepy, but I just wanted to join them and be held and told everything will be alright. Seeing the closest people in my life enjoying each other’s embrace, I’ve never felt more distant. I pretended to feel tired just as a form of dismissal just in case they asked me if I was okay. But the night ended 30-ish minutes later without any real sense that anyone noticed my apathetic mood. Being alone with no one around can be desolate, being alone in a group of people is… depressing. What do I do? As much as I care and want to keep hanging out with them all, it’s mentally taxing. As much as I want to ask them if they would treat me the same way they treat one another, I don’t want to put them in an uncomfortable position. I wish I didn’t even have to ask in hopes of being pitied. I just wish such affection came naturally.

Hey guys, i thought I’d share some things going on with me that has been very difficult for me to handle recently. So, my landlord told me i had to be out by the first of October and i still haven’t yet moved out… i plan on living with my car. On top of that, my ex decided to break up with me and told me he doesn’t have feelings anymore (we’ve been living together for about 8months, maybe more) and now i feel so alone. It’s gotten to the point to where i stay at work all day, (i always ask my manager if i can go into work at 4am and sometimes I’ll stay until closing. It’ll be my first day off in 15days and i begged her to put me on the schedule. She said it was illegal for me to not have a day off and therefore i have to take it. Worst part is, i can’t seem to be happy with myself… my job is the only serotonin and dopamine i get. When I’m alone, i just want to kill myself. I’m constantly overworking because i can’t stand to be with me. If i could leave myself i would but unfortunately i can’t. Recently, i can’t sleep for long (two hours at a time) and i wake up screaming. My mind is thinking of him and how i fucked everything up. I want to drink tonight but i know that won’t solve anything. My therapist says i should reach out to him but he blocked me on everything and i think not talking to him would be the best thing. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m scared. He’s the only thing on my mind. That’s so stupid. When I’m at work i get thoughts about him here and there but tbh they’re not as bad as when I’m out of work….

Heavily bullied as a teenager, continued in college, and twice at work as an adult. I think a lot of my anxiety stems from it, but I wanted to laugh at myself the other day when I thought this group of teenage girls at the park were laughing at me and my SO. We weren't even doing anything weird. They could have been, or not, but damn if I wasn't probably just projected 15 year old scars... This doesn't happen as often as you think. but when it does, it makes sense. I expect bullying to happen because it *did* happen.

I’m going to be a junior in high school. All of my friends have been getting hired at jobs. One of my friends just bugs me about me having a job all of the time and judges me and makes my feel lazy if I say no. My dad owns a business, and he offered to have me work there for the summer. I feel like it’s “invalid” if I work at my dad’s company because then I feel like I’m not getting experience with another employer. This really would be true though, because I wouldn’t be working just with him, I’d be working with others as well. Should I find a job somewhere else, or should I take up my father’s offer? I stress about this everyday, and I feel like I’m a loser (even though I’m pretty much working on schoolwork all day) but I’m struggling to find somewhere I’d feel great working at. I also have social anxiety, so I always make myself feel awkward trying to apply for a position.

so for the last couple weeks i have had the desire to be seen as insane or psychotic. Nothing has happened and i don’t want attention from it, i just want people to look at me and think that im clinically insane. Now, i can tell this is a concerning thought but I don’t know what it would be considered. like a delusion or something. i just want to know what to refer to it so i can bring it up.

Hi everyone, This is a throwaway account because I was stupid and made my last reddit my full name 💀 Anyway, basically I’m looking for support because of what we all fear... abandonment. Someone I fell head over heels for about 1.5 years ago that is incredibly toxic for me (narcissistic personality disorder) we dated on and off for this period/casually slept together. He did end up seeing someone else in this time which I was fine with, although she didn’t like me, we still remained ‘best friends’ while he was with this other girl. It worked out better imo as we just weren’t good at being in a romantic relationship. She didn’t want us to talk or hang out but we proved that it was truly just platonic regardless of our dating history. I thought he genuinely cared for me and I felt we both connected on this crazy level I didn’t feel with anyone else. Even at this point when he was with the other girl, he was more of an older brother figure, not someone I was considering having a romantic relationship with. We’ve been through so much together and I guess I’ve always been in denial about how shit he really did treat me; both when we dated & as ‘best friends’. I won’t completely get into the history as it would take too long, but my biggest question is why am I compelled to stay so loyal to someone who’s treated me like shit? Like why does my heart break and my brain turn into chaos every time we have a minor disagreement... He’s deleted me on snapchat with no like warning etc we hadn’t even talked for a day or so. (he doesn’t use much else social media aside from instagram which he already deactivated in general) and I went into absolute turmoil. I deleted his number out of anger? sadness? before I could ask if I did something wrong. And I cried and cried for the entire night and I’m not sure why. All my friends hate him and don’t think we even talk still, asking them for advice probably would end my friendships with them. Our relationship has always been like this (deleting each other on everything, I know it’s childish and toxic) but this is the first time I don’t know why it’s happened. Literally out of nowhere. I am super aware that I am a bit much emotionally but he’s usually been good with it in the past and we both kinda compromise. I just can’t shake the fact that he’s done this because he wants me out of his life for good? Because i’m so fucking annoying? Maybe he’s getting back together with his ex? I don’t know what i’m trying to gather from this post but it’s a little bit of venting and a little of seeking support because i’m still trying to get my newly (definitely delayed) diagnosed BPD under control. TLDR; toxic FP has abandoned me (i think for good) and I have no idea what to do from here... i feel like i’ve just completely lost direction. I’m so sorry if this makes no sense, my brain is in overload with emotion right now. Thank you guys for reading this, any advice or experiences / criticism is very much welcomed & needed as you can tell 🥵

Can i try being someone else for a while? I was thinking like maybe for a week, just to try it out. This being me shit just isn't working so I'd like to be someone else for a few days.

Hi there! Using my side account because some friends know my main. As someone who doesn’t have BPD but has a close friend who does, what should loved ones of those with BPD know? Do you have any advice on how to help during rough days or when splitting? I just want to know how to support my friend when he’s struggling but anytime I look for articles online, they’re all just “warnings” to stay away from people with BPD which is absolute shite. I would love to hear your perspectives and any advice you may have!

Keep in mind I am extremely terrified of bugs and dirt/germs. I was lucky to grow up in a place that was clean and didn't have these issues. My boyfriend on the other hand grew up like that, so the bugs and stuff in our apartment don't bother him. I contacted the landlord and they had someone come out to do pest control today but I have seen more roaches since they sprayed and it scares me. Not sure why they scare me, I guess I just associate bugs with dirty things. Besides that, I have swept, mopped, bleached, and deep cleaned everything multiple times but it still feels dirty and I don't feel comfortable. Does anyone else have this kind of issue/fear? How do I get over it and calm down?

I just can’t stay positive sometimes. I feel I don’t have the strength to keep going. I’ve failed so much that it feels irreversible

Currently diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and living in a mental health facility. I’ve been previously diagnosed with BPD tendencies and it feels that since I’ve been stuck in this community those tendencies have emerged greatly. The typical things they ask you about in questionnaires are the red flags to me. Since it’s already been thrown out there by my doctor, I feel that I’m not breaking rules. But a question I have for others... since being here, I think I’ve found that I simply hate almost all humans. I want zero interaction with all but about 3. Is this a normal thing? It doesn’t seem to match with my other diagnoses. Any advice on how to tone down my hatred for the world, those around me, and myself? I’ve never had this much anger in my life

2018 has been the most absolutely beautiful and tragic year of my life because of 1 person. He stayed until late May then it was unimaginable pain from there out. Seriously, I never knew it was possible to hurt so bad, or to hit such a low point. I’ve been living semi normally after having all this happen. Slowly coming out of the worst time of my life. And the past few days I feel like I’ve shed a layer of skin and I hate to forget and move on because of how beautiful it was, and how amazing and perfect those 5 months were. It hurts to think about but I know it’s for the best. The memory is going to hurt me for probably the rest of my life, but I’m getting better and it’s something to embrace. Soon I’ll be in a new phase of my life with more beauty.

It’s driving me nuts I can’t even fathom that that’s a thing bc all I attract is other bpd/npd people into my life w my negativity Also pls don’t flood this thread w stories about how you got jealous or something. Not to be rude I want this thread to be str8 answers if you want to do that please make a vent thread ab it (:

I straight up feel like I don’t exist. I saw on FB that my friend was talking to a group of people about plans we have together but only mentioned her doing them and I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I wasnt prepared for this reaction to something and I don’t know what to say to myself or do to make them go away. Is she embarrassed of me? I don’t know. I don’t even know why this matters.

My BPD is intense feelings of shame I felt over a sexual experience when I was 8. I tried to talk to my Mom about it but that made it even worse. I tried talking again about it to my church, that made it even worse. I tried changing my gender, I tried drugs and alcohol, I tried suicide. I realized today that I had this idea behind what happened and then there’s actually what happened. The idea was that if I am gay I am going to hell and I got really ashamed or myself for experimenting. Honestly I was curious and I’m giving myself space to figure out my entire identity (which includes sexuality) while remaining single, going to therapy, and sober. That is what is working for me today. I haven’t felt suicidal in a while and I forgive myself because I was literally an 8 year old. And if I end up being gay, it doesn’t matter. If you tried to get help for something and no one knew how to respond, I feel that too and it gets lighter everyday.

I'm very sensitive to a specific trope in fiction. I was wondering if anyone feels anything like this because I haven't come close to seeing it outside of myself. Everything I'm sensitive to is ridiculous and I'm very ashamed of it but I want to be as honest as possible and just vent. Some context is needed because this fear is so specific and unusual but it's completely irrational and out of my control. I don't want to name anything in particular but this hopefully explains what I'm afraid of and why. Three years ago I started watching a TV show that was nothing special to me. There was this character who was very emotionally distant and mysterious, then there was a backstory episode showing that her character used to be the complete opposite. She went from likeable and friendly to threatening in a short amount of time and to complement this personality change, she went from useless to skilled. This didn't phase me at all yet and I thought nothing of this character until this one line of dialogue that didn't sit right. This monologue basically went "You suck, I'm best at everything". Months later, I started getting random unwanted thoughts about that scene. It would enter my mind at inconvenient times and it wouldn't leave until I solved the problem or temporarily forgot. I got urges to search her name on Youtube and read parts of the character wiki which made me feel worse. I didn't know what the feeling was, what it had to do with me and why it was about a fake person. I think my feelings were all conflicted because I hated this character but desperately wanted to understand. My only solution in mind was to try to be a fan and I spent about 5 months trying to love this character and the show which was my way of fighting whatever this was. It didn't work so I gave up and decided to shun the show forever and hope this doesn't happen again. Three years later, that source in particular is in the past but I guess it internalised and the fear evolved from that one exaggerated fictional character to anyone that shares a slight resemblance to her character development, even though the idea of people gaining power never bothered me previously. There's an entire list of fictional characters and franchises that give me this bad feeling. Back when I was trying to deal with the first problem, I used a lot of other movies and games that I undoubtedly loved to distract myself. Since then, those are just as bad. I've loved Star Wars since I was 5 until a month ago, I found out about a new character in the comics and now it's dead to me. I was excited for Elden Ring but just seeing some of these characters, I get this sinking feeling and it's not worth it. I'm 60% sure what they'll do with one of the characters and I've spent whole days trying to find evidence for it to not happen. Thats a difficult feeling to avoid since no one shuts up about this game. A lot of people and incels who love Joker love to glorify the sort of thing I'm afraid of and that makes me so frustrated. Fiction isn't my priority anymore since this fear of change has evolved into perceiving strangers as threats. It's now as simple as someone having a noticeable but natural personality change or just losing weight. I found out about the various ways someone can increase their height after puberty and I found that traumatising. Now I mentally measure the height of everyone I walk past and I can't turn it off. Pretty much any human in real life qualifies as a threat to these feelings and I don't think I could ever have a relationship of any kind outside my family who I trust. I'm sensitive to a lot of things in general but this is the only thing that gives me the worst intense feelings and makes me hurt myself, but even though I can never turn it off, I'm very happy most of the time and have enough to distract myself. I'm so lucky to have the life that I have. My sister wants to watch The Batman with me which is a problem because batman has so many villain transformations that I cant deal with. Even if this movie does none of that, I'm going to be thinking of those other movies regardless. I've tried hinting that I'm not interested in watching it but she isn't taking it and I didn't have the heart to just say no. It looks like I'm going this weekend. It's irrational and stupid but I'm so scared. If anyone has read this far, do you have any suggestions? And if anyone has seen it, would I stand it?