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Do you have a favorite joke that involves mass shootings?

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon. ^(i feel bad)

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How about a joke related to penguin driving? Do you have one?

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today. A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream." Edit: Thanks to the kind strangers who gave me awards, and I'm glad that so many people got a chuckle.

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What's a funny joke that relates to holocaust joke?

Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Can you share a joke that involves mexican kid?

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

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Would you be willing to share a joke about trump impeached with me?

Donald J. Trump has been impeached Finally, something he's earned

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves gender equality?

Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it is cheaper.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves share spreddit.

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you won’t regreddit!

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves virgin islands?

They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands They're about to get fucked

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves dad glasses?

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves sweetheart mike?

"Mom, I'm dating a man." "Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood." ​ EDIT: Thanks for the gold!

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to admins subreddit?

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON. EDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD MATE

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to mark zuckerberg. Do you have one?

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

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What's a good joke that relates to congress impeach?

Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves chinese waiter?

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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Can you share a joke that involves seen tifu?

Have you seen r/tifu recently. They’re fucking nuts.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about drunk miscounted. Do you have any good ones?

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

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Do you know any jokes related to sevens eights?

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to boomerangs hope?

Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.

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Do you know any jokes related to prostitute asks?

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW] He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with sex donkey?

A man accepts a job in a village with no women Once there, he asks a local: \-There is really no women here? \-None. \-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex? \-There is a donkey close to the river for that. The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells: \-What you doing!? \-Aren't we...? Going to do the donkey thing? \-We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. EDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about dad gay?

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: "Don't!" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: "..." Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to voyager probe?

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

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How about a joke related to discharged navy? Do you have one?

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about girlfriend gym?

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

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What's a funny joke that relates to santa thought?

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

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Can you share a joke that involves profit whoreganisation?

If having sex for money makes you a whore... Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves friends bragged.

Three friends bragged about who has more sex.... Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves condoms son.

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12! A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to did chicken. Do you have one?

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry... Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt ​ He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves nearly sensitive?

The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

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What's a good joke that relates to boss waiter?

My boss: “You’re fired.” Me: *turns in gun and badge* My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

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Would you happen to have a joke about sugar irish that you could tell me?

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with left insecure?

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

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How about a joke related to polish immigrant? Do you have one?

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' edit: FUCKYEAH tnx for the upvotes, kind strangers

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around 300 limousine should do the trick.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves grandfather warned.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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I'm in the mood for a joke about says angel. Do you have any good ones?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom" "Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Can you share a joke that involves detective want?

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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Would you happen to have a joke about dad kidneys that you could tell me?

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old* Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves dunham accused?

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades. Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

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Would you happen to have a joke about isis hospital that you could tell me?

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves terms cremation?

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. ​ Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves bartender wifi?

Me: What's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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Would you happen to have a joke about dad 50th that you could tell me?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to fetish mags. Do you have one?

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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Would you be willing to share a joke about bad arnold with me?

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to dad helicopter?

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.” Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one

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How about a joke related to learned college? Do you have one?

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

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What's a funny joke that relates to boredom internet?

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet... I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either. Edit:*Wow thanks for the gold

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Can you share a joke that involves admins?

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves average ejaculation?

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec I know, that's a lot of information to swallow. Edit: Thanks for the gold! It's my first one ever!

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves ea uncle.

What's the difference between EA and my uncle? My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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Would you be willing to share a joke about asked donald with me?

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said 'Genius'

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Would you be willing to share a joke about milk sheep with me?

How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

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What's a funny joke that relates to father gym?

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around flat earther should do the trick.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.

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How about a joke related to dyslexic daniel? Do you have one?

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in Daniel.

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Would you happen to have a joke about excited 2019 that you could tell me?

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was. She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

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Do you know any jokes related to joke epileptic?

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke... What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to recycling rate?

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98% /r/Jokes

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What's a good joke that relates to papers deleted?

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” [deleted]

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Can you share a joke that involves job boss?

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick". She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely". Edit: Also, I'm looking for another job :(

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Do you know any jokes related to hoes bros?

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves roman numerals.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals I M LIVID

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves hitler ea?

Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate "Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!" EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!" Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?" The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks: "Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?" *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* EDIT: I spell things poorly. EDIT 2: I made the front page, and was guilded! Thanks guys! I hope my joke made your day just a little better.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves virgin mother.

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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How about a joke related to quiero camisetas? Do you have one?

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl. edit: [credit for the joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9cmw/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/)

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves unvaccinated children.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

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Can you share a joke that involves italian girl?

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to crossword wife?

Husband doing crossword with his wife Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up

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Can you think of a joke that centers around intelligent people?

99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves pun 10?

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people Pun in, 10 dead

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to hope coronavirus?

I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with join kkk?

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to asian stereo?

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to cardi cosby?

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to obama smoked. Do you have one?

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about cake diabetes?

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? ^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves vaxer drowning?

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about pope rabbi with me?

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to remember elephants. Do you have one?

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves freed crocodile?

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile... In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to treat erectile?

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGates.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with trump driver?

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Trump "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump. The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about frozen turkeys with me?

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to shouldn ribbons? Do you have one?

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about thanos finger that you could tell me?

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared. Apparently only DC movies can do that.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to shooting pain?

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about tramp rich. Do you have any good ones?

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out." "Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe." "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty." "Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp. "TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds." "Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin." The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... ... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "Okay," agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb... up and up... below him the ship grew smaller... on and on... past a solitary albatross... and still higher... till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below... and on still further... / till the ocean grew dim... and the earth itself... began to shrink... past our moon... and on... and Mars... and on... higher, and higher... through the asteroid belt... and on and on towards the diving board... past the outer planets, until... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System... he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain... and then... .' '. . . . . he jumped. . . . . : Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, : speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets, . . . . . . . . . through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL......... SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. "HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!" And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen." The tramp blushed. The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see... "For me to tell you, I'll need $49.95" The captain outrageously asked why. The tramp said "The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we’re looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we’ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay. We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets. Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to dishes riceless?

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about fries handjobs with me?

Handjobs [nsfw] A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around mailmen angry should do the trick.

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN you get them VERY ANGRY

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves bar gorilla?

A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to peter pan? Do you have one?

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about excited 2017 that you could tell me?

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to peta like?

PETA is like a box of chocolates They kill dogs

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves fragile lipstick?

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head? Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to second repost? Do you have one?

Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”? The second one’s a repost.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves flying pig.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to fondled blonde that you could tell me?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes