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0 | 21 | where does my imaginary snowman friend live? | snow man's land! |
0 | 25 | After watching a strongman competition... | it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself. |
0 | 0 | Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? | Because I'm all about those gains bro
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0 | 0 | What do you call the James Brown songs no one listens to? | Defunct funk. |
0 | 16 | Kind of a kid joke | What kind of cereal do zombies like?
Kellog's All Brain |
0 | 8 | Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... | except from me because I don't really care. |
0 | 36 | Have you been injured in a car accident? | call 555-bottom-feeders. We will do anything for money. |
0 | 45 | Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? | He's all right now! :-) |
0 | 21 | What kind of dog can do magic tricks? | A labracadabrador. |
0 | 0 | How do porcupines play leapfrog? | Very carefully |
0 | 46 | What type of melon would Romeo and Juliet have been? | Cantaloupe. |
0 | 16 | Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? | Because the *p* is silent |
0 | 0 | How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? | V. |
0 | 17 | Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? | Course a can. |
0 | 0 | What do you call a bug that can't talk? | A hoarse fly. |
0 | 101 | Why does a rapper need an umbrella? | Fo' drizzle. |
0 | 63 | What do you call a truthful piece of paper? | Fax. |
0 | 9 | "We don't serve time travelers here" | A time traveler walks into a bar. |
0 | 0 | What do fish think about air? | It's UN-B-REATHABLE! |
0 | 73 | What do vegan zombies eat? | GRAAAIIINSSS! |
0 | 48 | What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup? | Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup.
(As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.) |
0 | 88 | Susie Schools Her Teacher (p.s. I suck at titles.) | My mom told me this joke years ago, so it is clean.
It's Monday morning, and little Susie is in 2nd grade. Today her teacher is telling the class about whales. The teacher tells the class that whales have very small throats, and eat tiny fish and plankton, not people.
Little Susie raises her hand and says, "Well, yesterday in Sunday School we learned about Jonah being eaten by a whale."
"That's impossible," the teacher said, shaking her head. "Whales cannot eat people, their throats are too small."
Little Susie crosses her arms and says, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah myself!"
"Oh?" the teacher says, with a smug look on her face. "And what if Jonah isn't in Heaven."
Little Susie smiles. "I guess you can ask him!" |
0 | 55 | What do call a horse that lives near you? | A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses) |
0 | 66 | What do call a horse that lives near you? | A naybor |
0 | 0 | A man wanted to name his son a very long name... | ...so he named him Miles |
0 | 12 | Nonsense from my son: How many pancakes can a person eat in a day? | Purple, because aliens don't wear hats. |
0 | 30 | The Great Yarn Race | **Joe:** Did you hear about the great yarn race?
**Jane:** No. Who won?
**Joe:** Well, they had to weave their selves through the obstacles and in the end, it was a tie. |
0 | 48 | Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? | *She ran away from the ball.* |
0 | 1 | I came up with a joke about my old cell phone | Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception |
0 | 52 | My friends call me Humpty Dumpty.. | .. I crack myself up. |
0 | 27 | What do you call a bear with no teeth? | *A gummy bear.* |
0 | 69 | What is Mozart doing right now? | *Decomposing* |
0 | 64 | NEWSFLASH: Scandal at Nursery School, Child Arrested | At approximately 12:30 this afternoon the Moxie County Sheriff locked up four-year old, Timmy Thomas, in the county jailhouse. Prior to his detainment, Timmy was adamant about his refusal to participate with the routine nursery-school nap schedule.
Ms. Briney, a teacher at the school, stated: "We didn't want to resort to these drastic measures, but he was unwavering in his stance against the nap."
Timmy Thomas will be held until Monday morning when a magistrate will weigh in on the charge of *resisting a rest.* |
0 | 8 | My buddy the hacker took the quiz "What Beatles song best describes your life." | The answer he got: "My Way". |
0 | 7 | What is the horror movie Quija rated? | Quija-13
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0 | 75 | What concert tickets should cost $0.45? | 50 cent feat. Nickelback :P |
0 | 3 | How do you fix a broken pumpkin? | With a pumpkin patch! |
0 | 64 | What's cold and scary?! | I-scream! |
0 | 30 | Which side of a horse has the most hair? | The OUTSIDE! oh-my-goodness, that's hilarious! ~Skip |
0 | 65 | What did the knob say to the door? | I LOCK you a lot!
yep, its corny, indeed, but... I'm tryin'! ~Skip |
0 | 9 | Why did the paper follow the pencil? | Because it LED THE WAY!
I'm on a roll here! this is fun! ~Skip
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0 | 10 | Where does the thumb meet its type? | At the SPACE BAR!
reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'! |
0 | 68 | What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? | Nomads! |
0 | 2 | What did the wall ask the picture? | (All together now!) ***"How's it hangin'?"*** ~Skip |
0 | 69 | What language do they speak in Holland? | Hollandaise. |
0 | 109 | Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons? | Because it wanted autumnomy |
0 | 12 | Which kitchen appliance tells the best jokes? | The beater - he cracks everybody up! |
0 | 0 | Did someone say "purple"? | Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination! |
0 | 34 | A farmer in (x-town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... | Is reported in "stable condition." |
0 | 5 | A Thanksgiving Joke | What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s?
There's a little bit too much grayvy. |
0 | 3 | What's faster hot or cold? | Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst |
0 | 19 | What was wrong with the wooden car? | It wooden go. |
0 | 18 | Two wrongs don't make a right... | but three lefts make a right. And two Wrights make a plane
∴6 lefts make a plane. |
0 | 44 | What's the best part about twenty two year old wheels of cheese? | There are twenty of them. |
0 | 39 | What is heavy forward but not backward? | **ton** |
0 | 3 | What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? | There's no punch line. |
0 | 78 | Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? | Now he's fully recovered. |
0 | 33 | Good news, bad news | A man was feeling ill and went to the doctor, and the latter said he needs tests before determining what's wrong, and told him to comeback in a week
A week passed and the man came to the hospital, and the doctor told him: "I have good news and bad news"
"The bad news is that your treatment will take some time
The good news is that you will go down in history, as a new disease will be named after you" |
0 | 42 | I have found that there are three kinds of people; | Those who can count and those who can't. |
0 | 0 | What do you call a man with his big toe above his skin? | Tony
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0 | 59 | What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? | Tony |
0 | 65 | Better be named after what? | If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law? |
0 | 71 | What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? | I'll catch you later! |
0 | 18 | What do you call a former celebrity who now collects trash cans? | A has-bin! |
0 | 0 | How to fold fitted sheets | 1. Take a corner in one hand.
2. Take an adjacent corner in another hand.
3. Bring them together and fold them in so that one is tucked into another.
4. Take one of the two remaining corners.
5. Tuck it into the last corner so you create a mobius strip.
6. Realize that's not how you do it.
7. Start over.
8. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
9. This time, switch the two remaining corners around so it doesn't loop.
10. Take two corners in each hand.
11. The fifth corner falls to your feet.
12. Start over.
13. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
14. Take one of the remaining corners and take it in one hand.
15. Observe that now only three corners exist on the sheet.
16. Start over.
17. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
18. You got the wrong corner. Start over.
19. Crumple it up. |
0 | 74 | [OC] Why couldn't the dragon breathe fire? | He had a cold |
0 | 5 | vote up if you like: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs _____ Please fill in New ones? | What do you call a man with no arms and no legs:
1. In a swimming pool: Bob
2. In a mail box: Bill
3. On the front porch: Matt
3a. On the floor: Matt
4. In a pot of coffee: Joe
5. on a pile of money: Rich
6. on a barbeque: Flip
7. at a diner Mel
8. At 24 hour Fitness: Jim
9. in the bathroom John
9a. on the toilet John
10. at a cigar shop Smoky
11. in the closet Gay
12. on an ark Noah
13. on a motorcycle Harley
14. on back seat of a motor cycle Davidson
15. in a fish tank Gil
16. in a burning building Ash
17. at a fishing hole Rod
18. on the wall Art
19. in a hole Phil
20. with a gun Rob
21. in a pile of leaves Russel
22. Sitting on a one dollar bill George
23. Sitting on a $50 dollar bill Grant
24. Sitting on a $100 dollar bill Benjamin or Ben
25. ________________________ complete here please.
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0 | 121 | An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? | The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN |
0 | 5 | What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day? | Deja Moo! |
0 | 28 | Mints | I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight. |
0 | 49 | What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? | A waggin' |
0 | 111 | What happened to the tyrannical peach? | He got impeached! |
0 | 27 | Did you hear about the baseball player who was forced to play with a chocolate glove? | It was crazy, he was involuntarily cocoa mitted. |
0 | 58 | Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? | Myrrhder |
0 | 47 | What is a rocket's favorite meal? | Launch!
Another one from my 9 year old. |
0 | 42 | What do you call a fake noodle? | An Impasta |
0 | 62 | The scientists | a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking.
Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof" |
0 | 10 | How did the aquarium win the battle? | Giant Fish Tanks. |
0 | 43 | How does a mathematician get Tan? | Sin/Cos |
0 | 35 | There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. | I call it an Aretha Franklin. c: |
0 | 53 | Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely? | He's good at making friends. |
0 | 11 | Note for Santa | Dear Santa,
Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks. |
0 | 38 | Who is the little mermaid's favorite musician? | Mariana Grande |
0 | 35 | More retailers should adopt the "Leave A Penny / Take A Penny" system. | It is literally, common cents. |
0 | 0 | What do you call the totalitarian dictator of a capitalist country? | A sole proprietorship. |
0 | 4 | A girl walked by a cemetery | A young woman was walking back home late at night, and she passed a spooky cemetery. She was scared, but tried to be cool.
Then she heard the sound of howling dogs, and it frightened her a lot; she the silhouette of a man in a suit, and hurried forward to him. she looked at him and found a good looking thirtyish man.
She looked at him and smiled and said: "Sorry to bother you, but the dogs and the graves creep me out"
He replied: "Don't worry, girl. I was like you before I died" |
0 | 11 | Why did the vegetable band break up? | They couldn't keep a beet. |
0 | 3 | There was a depressed sausage... | he thought his life was THE WURST. |
0 | 24 | What's the best way to get a hold of Vin Diesel? | IM Groot. : D
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvlj1u9S258 |
0 | 3 | What's a comedian's favorite candy? | Laffy Taffy. |
0 | 76 | Why did the raisin take the prune to the new year's ball? | Because he couldn't find a date! |
0 | 25 | What do you call an arcade in eastern europe? | czech-e-cheese |
0 | 9 | Seefood | Q: Why don't lobsters ever share anything?
A: Because they're shellfish |
0 | 32 | What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? | The Roller Ghoster |
0 | 13 | What do you call a race run by baristas? | A **decaf**alon |
0 | 1 | My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it.. | but I blew it! |
0 | 72 | Two artists had an art contest... | It ended in a draw |
0 | 14 | $8 BILL | A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change. |
0 | 5 | What do you call a sheep with no legs? | A cloud. |
0 | 23 | Beautiful? | A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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