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2 Broke Girls

And the One-Night Stands [1.18]

Max: Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking "business" every day for a week. Is something going on there? Shouldn't the web be mastered by now? Caroline: It's strictly business. Max: All right, but it's costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? Looks like he might have a big ol' hard drive with a lot of RAM. Caroline: Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now. And I don't do one-night stands. Max: All right, so don't stand. Lay down. Caroline: That's not methe next morning, doing the walk of shame. I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, carrying their heels, clutching their coats to hide last night's outfit. Max: Going into Kinko's to use Google Maps so you can figure out where you are.

Caroline

You really put the "ho" in "Kinko."

2 Broke Girls

And the One-Night Stands [1.18]

[At the prison, after Max offered to be searched by a guard so that Caroline could visit her father] Caroline: I'm so excited to see my father after all this time. How do I look? Max: You look good. How do I look? Do I still have that freshly felt-up glow? Caroline: Well, that ginger over there thinks you look good. He's full-on staring at you.

Max

Well, I should hope so. If you can't get a dude in prison to check you out, it's time for a makeover.

2 Broke Girls

And the Spring Break [1.19]

Caroline: [after someone knocks on the door] It's 3:00 a.m. Who would be coming over now? Max: I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is? [Caroline turns around with a shocked look on her face after looking through the peephole] Max: Who is it? Caroline: You can't handle what's on the other side of that door. Max: Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat. I can handle anything. Caroline: [opens the door] Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh, no" in kimono.

Oleg

Your upstairs neighbor Sophie is allowing me to have sex with her. And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. Preferably, ones that you can eat.

2 Broke Girls

And the Spring Break [1.19]

Max: [to Steve and Michael, a gay couple] I'll go grab some menus for you girls. Caroline: Max! Max: Sorry. I'll go grab some menus for you ladies. [walks away] Michael: Love her... So Madeleine Stowe in Revenge. Steve: Oh, she is. Caroline: I don't watch that. Michael: We love it. It's all about a young blonde woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family.

Caroline

Yeah, too close to home.

2 Broke Girls

And the Drug Money [1.20]

Caroline: Mr. Hutchinson, this is my friend, Max. Max, this is Leo Hutchinson, one of my father's attorneys. Max: Oh, I've never known a lawyer who wasn't court-appointed for me. Well, except for the ones on Law & Order. Have you ever been on that show? Leo: No, I'm a real lawyer. Max: You look like someone who was on that show. Are you sure you didn't represent the woman who ate her child? Leo: I've never represented anyone who ate their child... on Law & Order. Caroline, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition regarding your father's case.

Max

Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy. I mean, I haven't seen every episode of Law & Order, just, like, 400 of them.

2 Broke Girls

And the Drug Money [1.20]

[At the drug trial, after a male nurse read off the possible side effects] Max: Anal leakage. [Caroline looks shocked] The grande dame of side effects. [the nurse gives each a small plastic cup with a drug inside] Well, bottoms up.

Caroline

Max, don't say that after "anal leakage."

2 Broke Girls

And the Messy Purse Smackdown [1.21]

Caroline: Max. Do you have any gum? My breath tastes like someone else's breath. Max: You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts. Caroline: Great. There were onions in my street meat. Listen to me. "Onions in my street meat." Last year, I was taking meetings on Wall Street. This year, I'm eating meat from the street by a wall.

Max

[searching her purse] Let's see. Phone, chapstick. A pill! Could be birth control, could be ecstasy. Waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait? [takes pill] If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone.

2 Broke Girls

And the Messy Purse Smackdown [1.21]

Caroline: [after someone knocks on the door] Who is it? Sophie: [from behind door] Kim Kardashian. [Caroline opens the door and lets her in]

Sophie

No, I'm not Kim Kardashian. No, I work for a living.

2 Broke Girls

And the Big Buttercream Breakthrough [1.22]

Caroline: Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards so we can hand them out tomorrow at the Williamsburg crafts fair. Max: Ooh, can't wait. Me and you handing out free cupcakes, stuck between hipsters selling crochet iPad sleeves and Salt-n-Pepa salt and pepper shakers. Caroline: We're not just giving them away for free. It's marketing. One person eats it and spreads it around to their friends.

Max

So we're herpes.

2 Broke Girls

And the Big Buttercream Breakthrough [1.22]

Caroline: I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job. And it's in Manhattan. It's the first birthday party for the son of a socialite. 60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top! Max: [surprised] Buttercream? Caroline: This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner. I was expecting, "Wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy!"

Max

Why? Is your business partner on a show on Nickelodeon? Look, I don't do buttercream. Buttercream is a bitch. If it doesn't stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.

2 Broke Girls

And Martha Stewart Have a Ball [1.23 & 1.24]

Max: [notices an odd-looking man typing on an old typewriter and approaches him] Wow! Bummer, dude. You have a time machine and somehow it got programmed to this crap diner? Steampunk guy: I must admit, I am quite taken with steampunk. Max: Oh, steampunk! Right, I remember that trend. It happened for, like, ten seconds back in 2000-and-are-you-kidding-me? Dude, seriously, you're sitting in a public place tap-tap-tapping on an oldie typewriter? What are you? In The League of Extraordinarily Pretentious Gentlemen? Steampunk guy: Aren't you being a little aggressive? Max: Yup. That's how people are here in the present where we live. But don't get me wrong, I'd like to go back in time, too. Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe, but I can't. Steampunk guy: Present? Where's that uniform from? Like, 1998?

Max

Oh, stop, or I'm gonna have to shoot you with a Smith & Wesson I'm currently packing in my bloomers.

2 Broke Girls

And Martha Stewart Have a Ball [1.23 & 1.24]

Caroline: [after Sophie finds an invitation to the Metropolitan Museum's annual gala in 's hate mail] This is my favorite social event in all of New York. I've gone every year since I was 18. It's a fashion ball at the Museum of Art Max: Yeah, I know what it is. I catered it last year. Caroline: Max, how weird. We were probably right in the very same room. Max: Then there's a good chance I spit in your drink. Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.

Max and Caroline

There's a good chance I spit in your drink.

2 Broke Girls

And Martha Stewart Have a Ball [1.23 & 1.24]

[At the gala, after Max and Caroline change into caterer uniforms so they can sneak in through the servers' entrance] Caroline: What are we gonna do with our dresses? We can't leave them out here. I need them inside. I have to look amazing when I meet Martha Stewart. Max: What does it matter what we're wearing? We're still gonna be the two crazy girls chasing her down with a cupcake. Caroline: That's why it matters. Max: [spots a big steel box] Oh, ooh! I know. Here. Help me get the shelves out of this. We can hang our dresses in here and push them in. Caroline: Brilliant. Kind of like the Louis Vuitton travel wardrobe I used to have.

Max

Or the service elevator I was born in.

2 Broke Girls

And Martha Stewart Have a Ball [1.23 & 1.24]

[Caroline offers Martha Stewart a cupcake moments after coming out of a stall in the ladies' room] Martha Stewart: Well, in spite of the fact that you have not yet washed your hands... Caroline: I was just changing my dress in there. Martha Stewart: I'll taste it. Caroline: You will?

Martha Stewart

I like your entrepreneurial drive. And, uh, I have a feeling that it's actually the only way I'm gonna get out of here alive.

2 Broke Girls

And the Hidden Stash [2.01]

Caroline: [while on the phone] My father wants to know if you'll come out to the prison and finally meet him. Max: Sure. Caroline: Great. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. [hangs up] Max: I'm not going. Caroline: What? Why'd you say yes?

Max

'Cause you never tell a man in prison "no," he could hang himself with his belt.

2 Broke Girls

And the Hidden Stash [2.01]

Max: [receiving a catalog at the Channing estate auction] Actually, I need two: One for me, and one for my friend... [Caroline walks in wearing a brunette wig] Zooey Deschanel. What? You look like her.

Caroline

Everybody does. It's the least expensive look you can do and still get laid.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pearl Necklace [2.02]

Max: [after hearing a group of hipster girls using the word "vagina"] Well, it's over. I can't say it anymore. The vagina's gone mainstream. What's next? A clothing line at Target? Caroline: Aw, Max, I'm sorry. It's your favorite word. Max: And my favorite body part. But now everyone's saying it. Caroline: Well, we can pick another word for it. Something cute, like cookie.

Max

Yeah, it sounds like a good idea until you walk past a bunch of Girl Scouts selling their cookies on the street.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pearl Necklace [2.02]

Caroline: Max, have you seen my phone? I wanna take a picture of this bad tip and put it on Instagram. Getting loose change used to be so depressing, but now I can share it with strangers.

Max

Let me sum it up: Twitter is stupid, and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

2 Broke Girls

And the Hold-Up [2.03]

Caroline: I don't like this movie, it's violence against women. Let's go see that Katherine Heigl rom-com sequel.

Max

Talk about violence against women.

2 Broke Girls

And the Hold-Up [2.03]

Caroline: You said you'd take a bullet for me. You'd never take a bullet for me.

Max

Probably not, no one ever takes a bullet. It's just something people say that they don't mean, like "How was your day?" or "We'll stop if it hurts."

2 Broke Girls

And the Cupcake War [2.04]

[Max and Caroline are making an audition tape to appear on Cupcake Wars] Caroline: We're gonna be great. We got this, girl. Max: Okay, stop. On every reality show, people say lame things that we can never say. No fist bumping, no high fives. You can't tell me to "bring it," "shut it down," or "put our cupcake business on the map." You can't tell me to "go, girl" or "bring my A game," and we don't "got this." Cool? Caroline: Cool. But we do got this, right?

Max

Yeah, we got this.

2 Broke Girls

And the Cupcake War [2.04]

Janis: Bring your own brand, just like you did on your home tape. [to Max] You're edgy with big boobs, [to Caroline] you're the try-hard. Caroline: I'm sorry, I'm the what? Janis: That's your brand. The muscle and the hustle. The double-D's and the ditz. [leaves] Caroline: I went to Wharton, I'm not a ditz.

Max

Well, you ain't the double-D's. Can you believe she openly commented on m'goods?

2 Broke Girls

And the Pre-Approved Credit Card [2.05]

Caroline: [going through the mail] Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.

Max

Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pre-Approved Credit Card [2.05]

Caroline: Oh, my God. My hand just touched the subway floor. How do I know someone didn't pee here?!

Max

Oh, honey, I've peed here. This is New York, it's made of pee.

2 Broke Girls

And the Candy Manwich [2.06]

Max: You should totally go for the hot guy. Caroline: Or you can go for him. Let's think about this. He's clean and not a drug addict, so he's more my type.

Max

Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, so he's more my type.

2 Broke Girls

And the Candy Manwich [2.06]

Caroline: [after throwing up at Andy's candy store] I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy. A guy so sweet, the word "sweet" is next to his name on actual real estate, and I completely destroy any chance I have with him.

Max

You didn't destroy anything. And it's good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex.

2 Broke Girls

And the Three Boys with Wood [2.07]

Caroline: I've never dated poor, what is acceptable on a first date? Max: Well, I'm pretty classy, so... anal?

Caroline

[awkward pause] I'm not that poor.

2 Broke Girls

And the Three Boys with Wood [2.07]

Jebediah: Got any words of wisdom for a kid trying to make it in the world?

Max

No, do you? Look, just know you're gonna struggle for a while. Someone's gonna ask you what time it is, and when you look at your watch, he's gonna put his penis on you. But like Dan Savage says, it gets better. Although it hasn't for me, so maybe that only applies to questioning teens. In short, there's really no point to anything, but sometimes, you get to eat candy or have sex, and that's when it all feels right.

2 Broke Girls

And the Egg Special [2.08]

Caroline: [seeing the blood spatter on the walls of the soup kitchen] Oh, my God! Andy: Oh, that's really gross!

Max

That's the greatest thing I've ever seen! Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram! People are gonna be like, "Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?!"

2 Broke Girls

And the Egg Special [2.08]

Ms. Shayne: [rejecting Max as an egg donor] Thank you for your interest, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to pass. Max: Why? I didn't have sex in Africa. Ms. Shayne: Yes, I know, that was your one plus, but under "family history," you put "drinking" and "secrets." Max: I was being honest.

Ms. Shayne

Yeah, maybe too honest, because under "education" you wrote, "Jeopardy! reruns."

2 Broke Girls

And the New Boss [2.09]

Han: Caroline is late again. And she better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, 'cause sista, that crap ain't gonna fly. Max: First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie. And secondly, [Caroline comes in without Han noticing] Caroline's here, she's in the kitchen. Han: Oh, really? 'Cause when I was in there, you told me she was out here. You play me, fool.

Max

Stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry sequel.

2 Broke Girls

And the New Boss [2.09]

[Max walks in on Caroline and Andy having sex after hearing Caroline shrieking] Caroline: What are you doing?! Max: I forgot Andy was here! And your sex voice is the same as your murder voice! Caroline: So are you just gonna stand there? Max: Are you offering me a threeway? [Intercom buzzes]

Max

Well, it looks like we're about to be a full-blown orgy.

2 Broke Girls

And the Big Opening [2.10]

Caroline: Give me your guest names, I'll write them down. Max: Okay, fine. Put down Tommy, Dylan, Robbie, Johnny Caroline: Robbie and Johnny?! Wait, Max, are these all your ex-boyfriends? Max: Perhaps. Caroline: Max, the invited guests were all supposed to be business contacts. Max: See, this is why I didn't tell you sooner, you're a control freak. And for the record, these guys have all had contact with my business. Caroline: You're using our launch party to get back at ex-boyfriends?

Max

Uh, yeah! That's what success is for, to say "suck it" to people who dumped you. "See my blown-out hair? Suck it! See my cool cupcake shop? Suck it! See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it."

2 Broke Girls

And the Big Opening [2.10]

Robbie: I'm an alcoholic now, and I did a lot of stuff that wasn't cool, and I came here because the program says that I have to make almonds. Max: "Almonds"? You mean "amends"? Robbie: Cool. So, look, I cheated on you behind your back, like, every day. Max: Well, um, we don't have to go into all this now, it's kind of a big night for me. Robbie: And I stole money from you too, like, every time we had sex. Max: But we had a lot of sex. Robbie: [chuckles] I know. Well, I stole a lot of money. Max: Well, this just went from "suck it" to "it sucks," so lift up your shirt. I gotta get something out of tonight. [Robbie lifts up his shirt]

Max

[inhales sharply] Money well spent. [walks outside to talk to Caroline] Just found out I paid for more sex than an Arab businessman.

2 Broke Girls

And the Silent Partner [2.11]

Andy: I came here to tell Caroline something kind of big. Max: What? You have a secret family on Long Island? Andy: No. Max: You have hep C? D? One of the new heps? Andy: No. I don't have any of the heps. Wow. Now, telling her I'm in love with her is just gonna sound boring.

Max

You're gonna tell her you love her?! Here in the diner?! [...] Andy, this isn't where you tell someone "I love you," this is where you tell someone their sex change looks passable.

2 Broke Girls

And the Silent Partner [2.11]

Max: [about Andy] He was about to tell you he loves you. Caroline: What? Max: Just now, in the hall, and ice rink. He's been trying to tell you all week. Caroline: But I've been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink? The one in Central Park? Max: Yes, while having cocoa and splitting a hot dog. Caroline: Oh, my God! That's, like, my dream "I love you" scenario! Why didn't you tell me sooner? Max: Because when it comes to other people's creepy love stuff, that's when I'm a silent partner. And you need to stop with this creepy rom-com stuff, life isn't like a movie. Sometimes you're not a success right away. Sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake. And sometimes you have to take your "I love you" whichever way it comes.

Caroline

You are so right. I don't have to wait for the moment to be perfect, like it was for Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. My life's not a romantic comedy, I can do it my own way. Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.

2 Broke Girls

And the High Holidays [2.12]

Caroline: [about asking to borrow money from Andy] I didn't do it. It's so not hot, he's my boyfriend. I mean, it's not like borrowing money from family. You don't sleep with your family.

Max

Not all families are the same, Caroline.

2 Broke Girls

And the High Holidays [2.12]

Caroline: Andy offered to pay our rent, but I said no. Max: That is the whitest thing I've ever heard. Caroline: It was really sweet of him, but I didn't wanna take money from a man I'm sleeping with.

Max

Wait, are you telling me there are women who don't take money from men they're sleeping with?

2 Broke Girls

And the Bear Truth [2.13]

[Max and Caroline win a raffle for a luxury weekend vacation in the country] Max: I've never won anything in my life! Except for that time I got stoned and accidentally won that hot dog-eating contest! Caroline: Wait, how did this even happen? Did you put our card in? Earl: Actually, I put your card in, and I took a few out. I figured you girls could use a vacation. You girls been working harder than my liver on payday. Max: Oh, Earl, you're like Santa, without the weird fixation on children. [she and Caroline walk away] Caroline: It was so nice of Earl to enter us.

Max

Oh, stop! He's like my father.

2 Broke Girls

And the Bear Truth [2.13]

Caroline: [brings Andy a birthday cupcake with a candle atop it] Happy birthday! Now come on, blow. Andy: I don't really feel like doing that.

Max

Welcome to our world.

2 Broke Girls

And Too Little Sleep [2.14]

Caroline: [after Andy walks by the shop] Did you just openly wave to my ex-boyfriend? Max: Yeah, I always wave at him. He didn't die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies. Caroline: Well, I don't wave to the guy at the record shop that you had sex with. Max: I had sex with the guy at the record shop?! I should keep a diary. Caroline: Oh, God, he's coming back. See what you started with your wave?

Max

I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school.

2 Broke Girls

And Too Little Sleep [2.14]

Caroline: Max, I just hung up from a very panicked phone call, and you'll never believe what happened. Max: The guy from the record store called to say I have super gonorrhea? Caroline: You actually think a guy that you don't even remember called to tell me that you have super gonorrhea? Max: Yes, that's how tired I am. Are you gonna make me wait forever? Do I have it or not? Caroline: It's not super gonorrhea, but it is super bad news. This woman just called to confirm her order for 1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow. I've been so tired, I completely forgot.

Max

I'd rather have super gonorrhea!

2 Broke Girls

And the Psychic Shakedown [2.15]

Amir: Hey, Max. Is today the day we're gonna get married? Max: Sure, Amir. 'Cause my dream in life is to be detained for four hours on our honeymoon flight. Amir: Max, you do know I was born in this country, right? Max: You were born here? How old are you? About Zero Dark Thirty? Amir: Yeah, and, uh, you were born in a Walmart, right?

Max

Where do you think the expression "Clean up on aisle 12" comes from?

2 Broke Girls

And the Psychic Shakedown [2.15]

Wiga: Come, sit, ruminate on your wishes and dreams.

Max

Well, my wish is that you give my friend her money back, and my dream is that I'm a backup dancer for Missy Elliott.

2 Broke Girls

And Just Plane Magic [2.16]

Han: Girls, I have made a big decision. Max: You're having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Hanfemale-to-male is very tricky. Han: Well, you would know. Caroline: Meow! He must have already started on the hormones. Han: Now, here's my big decision. We're moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles. Max: Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking. Caroline: It's like being an intern at Apple during the summer of '76. Han: That's right. Call me Jobs.

Max

Oh, I will only call you Han Jobs.

2 Broke Girls

And Just Plane Magic [2.16]

[Caroline hadn't seen Max since she left with a guy the night before] Caroline: Max, thank God, I was so worried. Wait, why do you look extra pretty? Max: Probably the new shades I didn't pay for. Or the hours of him going Downton on my Abbey. Earl: Hold up. No spoilers, I haven't started season three yet. Caroline: Earl, you watch that show?

Earl

Yes, I do. I enjoy any show where the help is white.

2 Broke Girls

And the Broken Hip [2.17]

Hipster: Dude, you should come to the '90s trivia contest every Monday at the Bar Bar. You could win, like, big money.

Max

Yeah, and then I could pay for the lobotomy I'd need to forget that I ever participated in a hipster contest in a bar.

2 Broke Girls

And the Broken Hip [2.17]

Caroline: How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday? Wait, Max, we can go to that bar and exploit your special gifts. Max: If I have to strip, I have to strip. Caroline: Not that kind of bar, the hipster trivia bar.

Max

Can't I just strip? At least I'd still have my dignity.

2 Broke Girls

And Not-So-Sweet Charity [2.18]

Caroline: Max, I know we've borrowed from everyone we know, but I'm so convinced that this is the right thing that I'm willing to stoop to something I never thought I'd do. Max: Look, you're sweet, you're adorable, but you're way too bony to bring in more than 40 a night. And even if you got an animal sidekick, it's still not gonna get us there. Oleg: It would get me there. Caroline: We can make an appointment, go into the city, and ask my Aunt Charity for the money. She's president of a cosmetic empire and she's filthy rich. Max: And how is she literally the only thing you've never talked about? Caroline: Because she hates me.

Max

That's what family ispeople who hate you, but can't kill you 'cause they're the first ones questioned.

2 Broke Girls

And Not-So-Sweet Charity [2.18]

Caroline: [about her seagull cup] You hid it and kept it all these years? Aunt Charity: Yep. Caroline: Why would you wanna hurt me like that?

Max

[sucking on a morphine lollipop] It's obvious. She's obsessed with her brother, and she saw your being born as his love being taken away from her. Damn, this thing makes me smart!

2 Broke Girls

And the Temporary Distraction [2.19]

Caroline: [after being promoted as junior executive] I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time. You are now a junior executive's executive assistant! Max: I will knock you to the ground! Caroline: Max, think about it. It comes with health care. You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning-after pills!

Max

Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose?

2 Broke Girls

And the Temporary Distraction [2.19]

Max: You think you're a failure? 'Cause I think we did amazing. Caroline: The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face.

Max

Lots of things blow up in your face, it's part of being a woman. You just... towel off and keep going.

2 Broke Girls

And the Big Hole [2.20]

Oleg: [after inviting Sophie to his apartment] Girls, I may have oversold my apartment. Caroline: What, by saying she won't need to get shots? Oleg: Yes. Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little, give it a feminine touch. Max: Well, I'm out. Caroline: You know what? I'll do it. But I'm very recently out of work, so I'm gonna have to charge you.

Max

If you didn't, you'd be the only girl who ever went to his apartment without getting paid.

2 Broke Girls

And the Big Hole [2.20]

Max: You don't have to do this! Just call Han and apologize, and we can get outta here before the syphilis sets in. Caroline: No, he said some really hurtful things to me, and I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb the Spermship Enterprise. Let me just get these curtains open so I can see better. Max: Seeing better? Is that the way to go? Caroline: Oh. I'm walking on a waterbed. This is harder than it looks. Max: How many times has that been said on this bed? Caroline: Oh, my heel! [her heel punctures Oleg's waterbad, squirting water in her face] I swallowed! I accidentally swallowed!

Max

You know that's been said.

2 Broke Girls

And the Worst Selfie Ever [2.21]

Caroline: I'm gonna text Andy for another booty call, and maybe this time we can go out and have a booty breakfast. Max: As president of the Casual Sex Society, local chapter, I call bull on your booty. Caroline: What? It's a booty call.

Max

Not with you it isn't. You think that booty breakfast will maybe lead to a booty dinner then maybe booty engaged and booty married and have a couple booty kids and a booty retirement home and then booty die together.

2 Broke Girls

And the Worst Selfie Ever [2.21]

Andy: [after Caroline shows him a picture of her vagina on her phone] I thought it was annoying when people took pictures of their food. Caroline: When were you gonna tell me, Andy? When my vagina burst into flames and became an actual burning bush? Andy: Wait, that's yours?! Max: Worst selfie ever, right? Andy: Wow, I didn't recognize it. Was it out in the sun? Caroline: You owe me $250 for the blood test, Andy.

Max

And $9 for that drink. Look, everybody just calm down. Andy, you may or may not have given her herpes. She may or may not be overreacting. I may or may not have slept with that bartender. He is my type, and yet, he has a job, so he's not. And he... goes in the "Maybes."

2 Broke Girls

And the Extra Work [2.22]

[A film crew is interested in shooting a scene of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit at the diner] Tom Woo: We'd like to shoot here. It's got the right amount of funk and skank. Max: [gasps] If we do real good in this and get a spin-off, that'll be the name of our showFunk and Skank! Caroline: Okay, but I don't wanna be Skank.

Max

Oh, clearly I'm Skank.

2 Broke Girls

And the Extra Work [2.22]

[The director of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit invites Caroline to his hotel room, but she finds out he's married] Caroline: What do we do, Max? I don't wanna offend him. We need that extra money for Chestnut. This is the oldest tale in the booka woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes. It's Shakespearean, it's Dickensian, it's Kardashian! Max: Look at the bright side. You already thought he was sexy, so you were probably gonna sleep with him eventually. And now that he's married, you know he won't cheat on you with somebody else because you're that somebody else. You a side bitch! Caroline: No, Max, I can just tell him how I feel. Besides, he probably already got it. You heard me tell him he read the signs wrong. [The director comes out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist]

Max

Apparently the sign he read said "Three-way up ahead."

2 Broke Girls

And the Tip Slip [2.23]

Max: Give me your phone. You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be. Look, here he is working with UNICEF. And here he is water-skiing on Lake Rich Person. Look at that smile. Is that the smile of Hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? I think your father's junk is trying to tell me there's gonna be six more weeks of winter. Caroline: What are you saying?

Max

I'm saying, someone had a tip slip, and that is not a small tip. And as a waitress and a loose woman, I know a small tip when I see one.

2 Broke Girls

And the Tip Slip [2.23]

Max: Hey, you know, they'll probably come to you one day and want a tell-all book. Remember, we already have chapter one, "Sleep Farts." Chapter two: "My New Stepmom ." Caroline: Max, am I gonna have to defend my father forever? Max: Probably, but don't worry, I'll be there to help. Caroline: Thank you. Max: 'Cause it's a wife's job to defend her husband. Caroline: It makes me sad to think he's gonna be in prison for the rest of his life.

Max

Don't think of it like that, he's not just in prison. He's in Africa working with UNICEF, he's in Haiti, he's water-skiing on Lake Rich Person, and he's on the desktop of my computer.

2 Broke Girls

And the Window of Opportunity [2.24]

Caroline: Sorry I'm late, I was having my nails done. It's the first time I stopped moving in two years, and I fell asleep. Max: You had money to get your nails done? Question: Was prostitution as disgusting as you thought it would be? Caroline: Han paid for it.

Max

Oh, so it was worse.

2 Broke Girls

And the Window of Opportunity [2.24]

Caroline: I have exciting news. At the nail salon, I heard about this amazing seminar we should go to. Max: Oh, no, no, no. I went to a seminar once. I was almost married to 300 Koreans. Caroline: It's a branding seminar for business owners to define who they are and get them primed and ready for their window of opportunity. Max: I think I'd rather be married to 300 Koreans. Then I could get my nails done whenever I wanted. Caroline: Max, this is the real deal. The woman who runs it is a branding genius. She created the Nike "Just Do It."

Max

Oh, that woman didn't make up "just do it." High school boyfriends have been using that for centuries.

2 Broke Girls

And the Soft Opening [3.01]

Cool guy: I've been out of town all summer. Anything new? Max: Anything new? Let's see, well... Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private. Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there's another Kardashian to not keep up with. Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California's out for letting her students get it in. Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn't run. Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that. Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checks our phones like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, and everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.

Cool guy

I meant on the menu.

2 Broke Girls

And the Soft Opening [3.01]

Caroline: You're right, Max. You only live once. YOLO

Max

And you only live till the next time you say "YOLO."

2 Broke Girls

And the Kickstarter [3.02]

Max: Kickstarterthat's the website where strangers give money for crap that no one in the real world would invest in, right? Kickstarter girl #1: Exactly, but our project isn't crap, it's bananas. We design candles with arms. Max: [mocking girl #1] I can't. I just can't. Kickstarter girl #2: Don't you have a passion project? Something you've always wanted to do? Kickstarter girl #1: Yeah, you can't just wanna be a waitress your whole life.

Max

[chuckles] Actually... I do have a Kickstarter idea. I'd like to start kicking your asses!

2 Broke Girls

And the Kickstarter [3.02]

Max: [after being offered a new phone] Here, I'll just take this one. Chiandra: Slow down, now. Take a look around. You got a whole world of possibilities. Pick 'em up, get a feel, hold it in your hand for a while. Max: Chiandra, it's a phone, not Bruno Mars. [picks up phone] Oh, "Texting is easy with the new finger-friendly keyboard." My fingers are already too friendly, ask my fourth-grade boyfriend. Caroline: Wow, these sample texts are getting kind of racy. "Bad newsI think the condom broke last night." Why would anyone put that on a display model?

Chiandra

[embarrassed] That's mine. I left it there by accident.

2 Broke Girls

And the Kitty Kitty Spank Spank [3.03]

Max: Oleg, how do you feel about cats?

Oleg

Loved it. Saw it nine times on Broadway. Very clever show, but a little expensive. The most I've ever paid to see a pussy dance.

2 Broke Girls

And the Kitty Kitty Spank Spank [3.03]

Caroline: Hey, Han, do you want a cat? Max: You could finally have a friend your own size. Come on, you could ride it to work. Han: No, I can't have a cat. They're lazy, moody, and judgmental. I don't need another you. Plus, they don't show affection. Max: Sure they do, you just have to know how to get it out of them. Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom. Han: I don't understand why a cat would like that. It's so mysterious. Max: [repeatedly slapping Han on the buttocks] Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty. Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty. Han: Hmm. Well, I can't have a cat, I work all the time. Why did I like that so much? Max: I don't know. Something with boobs was touching you? Han: People with boobs touch me! Caroline: She means aside from your mom.

Han

Then, no.

2 Broke Girls

And the Group Head [3.04]

Caroline: [referring to Luis' ringtone] Is that the theme song from Sex and the City? Luis: You know it is! I'm a Charlotte. Caroline: So am I! There's not a lot of us.

Max

I'm all the dead girls from American Horror Story.

2 Broke Girls

And the Group Head [3.04]

Caroline: Do you ever think about getting back together with Oleg? Sophie: Oh, God, no. I'd rather accidentally have sex again with my cousin.

Max

I hate when that happens.

2 Broke Girls

And the Cronuts [3.05]

Max: What's a cronut? Oleg: Cronut is what we called my Croatian cousin with one testicle. He hung himself.

Caroline

Okay, well, in America, it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut. They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram. People can't stop talking about them. If cronuts had tongues, they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.

2 Broke Girls

And the Cronuts [3.05]

Max: [seeing the line for cronuts] All this is for a croissant and a doughnut? Those things already existed! Where was all the fanfare when I combined the sleeping pill with the morning-after pill and called it the "sleep-through-the-morning-after" pill? Caroline: How did these things get so popular? Max: There's no science to this trend stuff. It's all decided by one bitchy gay guy typing in his room, making it all up. Caroline: Well, then we have to do some trend research. We've got to figure out how to make Max's Homemade Cupcakes the next cronuts.

Max

I hate all these stupid trendscleanses, cronuts, condoms...

2 Broke Girls

And the Piece of Sheet [3.06]

Max: Where are my old sheets, bitch? Caroline: Why? Why are you calling me a bitch at night? I was sleeping in my new jammies!

Max

Well, I can't sleep without those sheets, so where are they? I checked all your drawers. And by the way, who hides their vibrator in a Starbucks cup?

2 Broke Girls

And the Piece of Sheet [3.06]

Max: Those sheets were really special to me, okay? Caroline: Oh, did you lose your virginities on them?

Max

I don't have sex in beds, that's where I eat.

2 Broke Girls

And the Girlfriend Experience [3.07]

[Han sent his mother pictures of a fake girlfriend after learning she is coming from Korea to visit him] Caroline: Han, you might have catfished your mom? Han: I might have. Oleg: Catfishing... Right. That's when you pick up a woman in a bar, and when you get her in the light, you realize she has whiskers. P.S.: Doesn't bother me. Caroline: No, catfishing is when you pretend to be someone you're not on the Internet. You know, like everyone on the Internet. Han: All my mother wants is for me to be happily married like my father and her. Max: All my mother wants is a cure for hep C. Han: Look, here she is. [hands iPad to Caroline] Caroline: "Korean beauty June Kim, AKA Sapphire"? Han, you chose a prostitute?! Han: She's not a prostitute! She has a website!

Max

Yeah, and I know a guy with business cards whose "job" it is to relax your rectum.

2 Broke Girls

And the Girlfriend Experience [3.07]

Su-Min: I am just so excited that my Han finally found the perfect girlfriend. Oh, you know, his June is a brilliant brain surgeon. Max: Well, she certainly knows a lot about head. Su-Min: And she goes to church every Sunday. Max: Yep, that girl is always on her knees. Su-Min: Oh. And she is a classical pianist.

Max

She is making this too easy.

2 Broke Girls

And the 'It' Hole [3.08]

Max: Earl, I need my checks for tonight. Earl: Beautiful? Max: Check. Earl: Sexy? Max: Check. Earl: Cool?

Max

Check.

2 Broke Girls

And the 'It' Hole [3.08]

[Max is trying to get a table for her and Caroline at an old-timey restaurant, after Caroline got stood up by a guy who had reservations] Max: This is where I'd tip you with cash or offer you sex, but I'm kinda broke and you're kinda gay, so just be nice. Brian-Brian: We don't really need to bring my sexuality into it.

Max

I understand, it's hard to be out 100 years ago.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pastry Porn [3.09]

Caroline: [referring to their messy apartment] Let's just ask Sophie, she has a cleaning service. We have to do something. Yesterday, I saw a roach walk out of our apartment.

Max

Look, I'm gonna tell you what I told that guy who asked me to use my butt to smuggle opium... I'll do it!

2 Broke Girls

And the Pastry Porn [3.09]

Caroline: Max, we really need to talk about this brochure. Max: Look, just because I have a pastry school brochure doesn't mean I'm actually gonna go to pastry school. Just like having those porn magazines doesn't mean I'm actually gonna ride around on a tiger performing unspeakable acts with sailors, probably. Pastry school is the same as porn, it's just a dumb fantasy.

Caroline

Pastry school is not like porn. There is nothing in this brochure about a girl-on-girl croissant.

2 Broke Girls

And the First Day of School [3.10]

Nicholas: Chef, if you find this so funny, why don't you take a fiver? Isn't this how your saying goes? Deke: I don't have a saying, but if I did, it'd be more like, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." [leaves] Nicholas: Anyone else who finds something hilarious can also go into the hall. Chef Max? Max: Nope, nothing 'ilarious. Teach on. Nicholas: Enough with the dirty jokes. We are all here to become master bakers. Master-baking is something I work really hard at it. To be a master baker...

Max

I'll be in the hall. [leaves]

2 Broke Girls

And the First Day of School [3.10]

Caroline: I'm coming in there to flirt with chef Nicholas, and when I enter, I need you to say, ", you look amazing."

Max

No. I actually physically can't say that. I would rather walk in there and yell, "I have crabs, and three of them just escaped."

2 Broke Girls

And the Life After Death [3.11]

Caroline: We got from the apartment to the subway to the pastry school in record time. I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and my thong may be on backwards.

Max

There's no wrong way to wear a thong, as long as it's uncomfortable. And with you, the bra's just for decoration. I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket for not putting the kids in a car seat.

2 Broke Girls

And the Life After Death [3.11]

Max: I need $5 to pay for a spatula I broke yesterday. I was having a Gordon Ramsay moment. I'd have sex with him, by the way. Caroline: Why? He'd just be yelling at you and telling you you're doing it wrong.

Max

Yeah, sex.

2 Broke Girls

And the French Kiss [3.12]

Caroline: Oh, my God, guess who texted me again. Deke: Dame Judi Dench? Dame Judes texts me all the time. She's thirsty. Max: More like, "Damn, Judi Drench." Caroline: Oh, hi, Deke. Didn't know you were here. You're everywherepastry school, on the phone with Max talking about pastry school, and now here at the counter talking about elder sex with a beloved star of stage and screen. You're like...

Deke

What? Denzel Washington trapped in Channing Tatum's body? I get that a lot.

2 Broke Girls

And the French Kiss [3.12]

[Caroline is not ready to have sex with chef Nicholas yet] Caroline: I won't let it get that far. And by that I mean you won't. I'll give you a signal and then you'll say we have to go. Max: What's the signal? Full penetration? Caroline: No, before that.

Deke

So, just the tip?

2 Broke Girls

And the Big But [3.13]

Caroline: Does it bother you when Deke talks about other girls with you like you're a guy?

Max

Not as much as it bothers me when you talk to me like I'm a girl. Look, Deke and I are just bros, I don't wanna sleep with him! Not that there's anything wrong with two bros sleeping together. I'm not bromophobic.

2 Broke Girls

And the Big But [3.13]

Caroline: You can't always help who you're attracted to. It's like with me and Nicolas Max: This is not the same as you and Frenchie. I wasn't attracted to Deke before today. The first time you met Nicolas, your vagina fell on the floor and tried to crawl up his leg.

Caroline

Yes, but I scooped it up and snapped it back on, because I was not born to have sex with a married man. If I was, I would have flirted with Matt Lauer when he came over for the Christmas tree lighting at my house!

2 Broke Girls

And the Dumpster Sex [3.14]

Caroline: [after Deke enters the diner] Oh, look, Max, it's your boyfriend. Max: He's not my boyfriend, we just made out. I make out with people all the time. I made out with a guy in the diner last week. Caroline: That wasn't making out. He was choking, and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.

Max

Yeah, but it led to sex.

2 Broke Girls

And the Dumpster Sex [3.14]

Max: I'm off on my date. Caroline: You can't leave me here alone. There's a murder car out there! Max: Relax. No one is after you. Caroline: Oh, really? What about the person who yelled, "Watch yo back, bitch", when we were walking home? Max: That was me, to that Girl Scout. If you tell someone you're carrying Thin Mints, you best be carrying Thin Mints. Caroline: Max, you're coming back tonight, right? I'm kind of afraid. I've never been here alone at night. Max: If you don't wanna be alone, why don't you call Han? Caroline: Very funny. I did, Han's busy. He's going to a country square dance on Second Life. It's an online game, but he says it's more of a lifestyle. Max: Don't you have to have a first life to have a second life? Caroline: Max, please stay. Call Deke and cancel, or else you might come home to find me in a pool of blood.

Max

Oh, I always wanted a pool.

2 Broke Girls

And the Icing on the Cake [3.15]

Max: Okay, two important things. One, I'm the guy you've been talking to on OkCupid. [Caroline looks embarrassed] And two, I need five minutes of girl talk and not a minute more because I'm worried it'll turn me into a girl. Caroline: Go. Tell me. Leave nothing out, leave everything in. Max: I said something today I never thought I'd say. Caroline: "Thank you"? Max: I said "I love you" to Deke! He said, "I love you," and I said it back! Caroline: Oh, cool. Good for you. Max: Wait, that's it? I finally decide to cave and be a girl for you, and you hang me out to dry? I've seen movies. You're supposed to jump around and say, "This calls for a margarita!" Caroline: This calls for a margarita!

Max

Too much, too late. Your first reaction said everything, and your second one was just annoying.

2 Broke Girls

And the Icing on the Cake [3.15]

Deke: [as Sophie walks into his dumpster] Sophie, watch your head. You might wanna take your heels off.

Sophie

Take my heels off?! Communist Russia couldn't get me to take my heels off.

2 Broke Girls

And the ATM [3.16]

Sophie: [after walking into the diner] What's that yellow tape? Did someone die again? Han: No, Sophie, we got an ATM. Max: I thought we already had an ATM. "Asian transgender male."

Han

Well, thank you for saying "male."

2 Broke Girls

And the ATM [3.16]

Deke: [seeing Max and Caroline leaving his dumpster] Well, well. If it isn't Max-a-million. Or should I say, "Max who hates my millions"? Shouldn't you be occupying Wall Street or something? Max: I am just here for my toothbrush, and then I'll leave you in your ivory dumpster to sit around and fart diamonds. So don't get the wrong idea, Uncle Pennybags, I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags. Caroline: Max, who's Uncle Pennybags? Is he one of the ones who touched you?

Max and Deke

He's the Monopoly Man!

2 Broke Girls

And the Married Man Sleepover [3.17]

Caroline: [referring to her hairstylist] Damn it, Max, I got a straight one. Max: What makes you think he's straight?

Caroline

He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.

2 Broke Girls

And the Married Man Sleepover [3.17]

Max: Okay, where's the coke? Caroline: There is no coke. Max: Why would you call anyone into a bathroom if you don't have coke? That's rude! Caroline: No, I was just gonna talk to you.

Max

Oh, then I'm definitely gonna need coke.

2 Broke Girls

And the Near Death Experience [3.18]

Nicolas: Where's your Deke? Max: In my pants, where it always is. Oh, you mean Deke. He's got the flu. It's everywhere. No one can shake it, it's like Taylor Swift.

Nicolas

Yeah, or Pitbull.

2 Broke Girls

And the Near Death Experience [3.18]

[Caroline texted Nicolas saying she would only have dinner with him if he left his wife, and he agreed to do so] Caroline: When I texted him that, I was just being flirty. Max: Flirty is me not wearing underwear to the Times Square M&M store. So you really don't want him to leave his wife? Caroline: No! I mean, sure, maybe I fantasized about it, but in my fantasy we were on a ski trip, and I was jumping up and down, excited, with my best friend Jennifer Lawrence.

Max

Cool, maybe call Jen next time the possum traps you by the garbage cans.

2 Broke Girls

And the Kilt Trip [3.19]

Caroline: Max, we haven't been so busy since someone spray-painted "free sex stuff" on the wall outside.

Max

And you said I'm not good at marketing.

2 Broke Girls

And the Kilt Trip [3.19]

Max: I love St. Patrick's Day. Caroline: Tell me one good thing about it. Han: [shows up in a leprechaun costume] Top o' the mornin'! Max: Look, it's a Lepre-Han. Han: So, what do you think? Caroline: I'm concerned. If you're out here, who's guarding your lucky charms? Han: You laugh now, and probably all night long, but with this costume my chances of getting laid are higher than ever! Max: So zero? Han: Nope, 100%. Caroline: What makes you so confident? 'Cause the only answer I can think of right now is that you have cocaine in your wee pocket. Max: Hey, I can see ityou're out drunk on St. Patrick's Day, and it seems like a good idea to bang a leprechaun. Like the Presidents' Day I hooked up with a guy dressed like Uncle Sam at the used car lot. Han: This costume is my ace in the hole.

Max

Well, it does make you look like an ace-hole.