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t3_rdgmc

t5_2to41

pkhong: TIFU: I took the tip of a lit cigarette and put it on my hand, I might end up with a scar now. Don't know what I was doing, but it was pretty stupid. Lit my hand for about 3 seconds and did it twice. I now have a dark spot on my hand and regret that I've done it. I might end up with a scar now. I made a blister and it broke so I just ripped it off. It's about the pint size of a cigarette. matdrawment: I've had it slightly worse once, i was walking down the side of the street with a friend wearing a sleeveless t-shirt (side = no pavements in Pune, India). A car came down the wrong side, I had to jump to the left, went straight in, arm first into my buddy's cigarette, managed to douse it, as the burning end remained attached to my arm. This was 5 years ago, the mark still remains. pkhong: Ouch... that's is way worse than how I fucked up. My burn is slowly healing and ever since I put a bandage over it's been keeping it moist and clean. I just hope I don't get a mark/scar. rubyredlux: Vitamin E!

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[deleted]: TIFU: I used my mom's pumice stone to scratch my balls in the shower. [deleted]: The biggest fuckup here is that you live with your fucking parents. Hossinater: Maybe he's not an adult yet? Think before you type. FireTeam-Violet: You made my day, Hossinater :D

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merpmerp: TIFU: Thought my class started at 2:50, turns out it ended at 2:50 Rushed to campus and as soon as I got a parking spot I realized my mistake. I missed an important review I really needed. No idea why I woke up and thought this today. It's the middle of the semester, I should know this shit, dammit! MSkog: I have a class that meets once a month on Wednesday nights. Two weeks ago, around 4:30AM on Thursday, sleep-deprived from working nonstop on a brief for a few days, I realized: "Oh, *shit*, class was yesterday." bullohnie: Once a month? What class is it? MSkog: It's just this two-credit law school class that's only tangentially about the law. It's aimed at people who intend to use their law degree to go overseas and work in a development capacity.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Gave my lady friend a black eye As I arrived at her house, I walked in to be greeted by my lovely lady friend and her cat, who darted through my legs while I was walking in. I tripped over the cat, falling forward onto my girlfriend who had just turned around to walk to her room, she fell and hit her face on a bat that her brother left on the floor. -__- She said it's fine, but I'm freaking the hell out because her dad... Scary scary man... NatecUDF: "Sorry sir, your daughter fell down and got this black eye...." Holy shit, that is not going to go well. Delete your facebook, hit the gym, yadda yadda yadda. elitexero: >Delete your facebook, hit the gym, yadda yadda yadda. Lawyer up. Always lawyer up.

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JACKMHARRIS: TIFU: snipped my ball bag while trimming my pubes! I know this has happened to most blokes and it hurt like hell!! FunnyTwo: I just imagined after you snip your balls, the tesicles actually just hang out of the sack. ....I have a fucked up mind. T3HK4T: Your not alone... :( FunnyTwo: Pheeeeewww! If I was alone on that I would probably be creepy but now that there is two of us......who gives a fuck? T3HK4T: Internet Logic at its Finest. FunnyTwo: Excactly

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LtDan92: TIFU: Thought a test started at 8 instead of 6:30. I ran into to the test room with just enough time to find out that I fucked up real bad and wouldn't be able to retake the test. I had just enough time to bubble in all of the answers. Thank Odin for multiple choice. creepingdeathv2: did you pass ? LtDan92: Actually I've heard from some very intelligent classmates that they guessed on 6 out of the 11 questions. I probably didn't, but hopefully the curve will work slightly in my favor.

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naturallyblonde86: TIFU by brushing my teeth with my grandpa's ointment. The shit looked like toothpaste. DerpinaBumbleT: What kind of ointment was it? Do you have a name? This could be so much worse depending on what it is. naturallyblonde86: It was Preparation H, for hemroids O__o I'll never be the same. DerpinaBumbleT: Oh no!!! That is what I was afraid of. Dude, I am so sorry.

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[deleted]: TIFU went to school without my scubs And some big important state legislators were on campus rating the school on professionalism. I was sent home the second my teacher saw me in street clothes. tomkzinti: WTF are 'scubs'? Kamenosuke: He probably goes to med school. Scrubs are what doctors/nurses/people who work in the E.R. wear. LaMafiosa: I'm a girl dude

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[deleted]: TIFU I asked a girl "Hey, how's it going?" on her wall and according to my friends this is wrong. Stinkfist94: Way to go stud, with lines like that you'll be shoulder deep in vagoo in no time. [deleted]: Such a poon hound right? Stinkfist94: You're more of a ladykiller than Ted Bundy...

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Tenswank: TIFU: Fapping in class to substitute, made eye contact during finish She was the perfect teacher, and for French class, no less. She was the type of lean, delicious looking french woman, the type one would imagine all French females looked like. Now, I can't say much about her teaching skills, because frankly, I cared extremely little about that factor. So there I was, in the middle of the hour-and-a-half period, and my warm phallus couldn't get over it. I was yelling at Boner to stop it, that I couldn't do anything about it, that it won't be seeing any wet, fleshy holes in the near future just because it sees something nice. But did he listen? NOOooOOo. He just kept on pressing against my jeans like he was a newborn snake in a shell, desperately trying to be free by forcing its head against the shell as hard as possible. Well, luckily my jeans had enough structural integrity to keep the beast held, but I knew that Boner wouldn't be settling down unless I did something about it. Yes, it was going to be a long, painful class. Or... Was it. I was wearing a sweatshirt today, and for the sake of my genital health, I believed I had to solve this problem. She begins giving a lesson on Conditional tenses, when my hand wanders down to my thigh. I was in one of those tables where if you recline/slouch in your chair enough, nobody in class could see past your waist. I watched her wiggle her backside as she wrote on the whiteboard, and that's when I got down to business. She talked to the class in an airy voice as I had one of those over-pants fap. You know what I'm talking about. I won't go into detail. Anyway, I knew something big was going to happen. Very, very soon. I'm reaching climax, when it happens. She looks directly - fucking - at me while she utters the words, "Which would make 'aller' turn into 'irais'" As she looks into my eyes, I'm soiling my pants to the maximum level one can stain their pants with semen, and I can barely supress the contortions of pleasure on my face. Obviously, I failed, because I could see in her eyes she knew EXACTLY what I was doing. She trailed off. The class came to a silence. Soon enough, she picked back up on the lesson, and we both continued, pretending like nothing happened. She never called on me. As we left the room when class was over, everybody saying "Au revoir", I refuse to make eye contact with her mumbling the words as a wave of shame washes over me as I feel her eyes burning into the back of my head. As soon as I leave, the door slams shut. I dare not look through the window in the door to throw even a look of apology, or regret. No, I can't bear it. I saw the horror that quickly turned to disgust earlier, the last thing I need right now is to see a 10/10 frenchwoman looking at me with hatred. I don't think I'll see her again, reddit. Today, I fucked up. [deleted]: is this a try of creative writing? skitchbeatz: This seems very much like a made up story

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Lothrazar: TIFU: made wife feel fat and unsexy. She is only a few pounds overweight, way less than 200, and has been trying hard. Today she was saying how it doesn't seem like a priority and she asked "do you ever find me unattractive because of my weight" and I instantly reacted by saying "Sometimes, but not most of the time". Yeah. brawnzo: Why woul she ask if she didint expect a honest response like fuck all guys on Reddet are whipped jnikga: Truth. rbassett: When it comes to appearance, no woman EVER, NO MATTER WHAT, wants the straightforward honesty. We already know that we aren't looking our hottest, but we want to feel like you always find us attractive and would do us on the table if it was an opportune time. I am this man's wife and I know he didn't mean it hurtfully and I do know he loves me and finds me attractive. Watchoutrobotattack: If you don't want the answer then don't ask the question. It would also be nice if women didn't argue if you call them attractive SHFFLE: Or call themselves fat when they're fucking skinny as hell. I've had a girl who is as skinny as me and shorter call herself fat... I'm barely not underweight.

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clearedasfiled: TIFU: I sent my best friend (who's black) a text that said "Lynch tomorrow?" SpudsUlik: Where you refering to David Lynch cos he's awesome! rastapus: grammer nazi: were. SpudsUlik: Yeah well there no such word as "cos" either! You fail as a Grammer Nazi!! riotousdefect: *there is or there's "Grammer" Nazi fails as a Grammar Nazi. SpudsUlik: oakey oakey mi hole pooint is thar is to many poeple on tha intawebb thunking thar cleever macing fun off otther poeples spollung and pun-chew-asions @%££/! ay four one canne bee bothard wit soch trivaular mitters!

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HeroDrift: TIFU: Caught a 20 oz. coke with my balls At the sandwich shop, grabbed a coke from the rack, dropped it, caught it between my hands and my manuggets. It seems the vasectomy from 2 months ago has heightened my junkular pain responsiveness. fyi. thekid_frankie: hooray for manuggets! Illpackallama: Kibbles and bits!

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theeowl: TIFU: Have you ever had a girl text you while you were whacking off? When my friends girlfriend texted me mid-stroke I fucked up. I should have just finished and answered her question but noooo...... instead Captain Stupid has to sail blindly into getting all sexual with her. She is apparently WAY uptight about that kind of shit than I thought (which would have been obvious if mini-me hadnt been doing the thinking), and now my friend is mad at nme. Now he's mad and I feel like an ass abstractreddit: think with your head up top, not the one thats always horny Tantric_Infix: The joke is on you. Both of them are. Always. abstractreddit: Ahhhh. Ya got me :)

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TrollingBaron: TIFU: I attacked the ground...with my face...from the top of the stairs This wasn't today, but a few days back. I was at this lookout tower with my class, when I needed to pee real bad. I went and peed, then went to go down a flight of stairs to look out of the tower from there. I completely missed the first step in an epic fail, by kicking the guard rail, and flew down about 10 stairs, falling on my face. I have no pics of my face now, as it was a few days ago, and I didn't want to take pictures. But I assure you, my face was pretty badly swollen. calafragilistic: Did you win? TrollingBaron: Sadly, no. But I WILL get it next time.

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Classy_Dolphin: TIFU: Had a religious debate with seriously Christian girl (love interest ofc) Yeah, ok, so I'm the type; regularly browse R/Atheism, love Hitch, and I'm the kind of brainy nerd who loves to get angry about politics and religion. This girl (kinda half girlfriend, its complicated, read: not relevant) is really religious and I've always tried to avoid the topic. However, late last night in a string of compliments she briefly brought it up and I wasn't thinking. Really tired and really stupid, I tried to talk calmly about how religion is crap (SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME R/ATHEISM) but I'm not too subtle. I fucked it up REAL bad, she says she's not mad but she's not talking to me nearly as often. How the hell can I possibly try to make that right, anyway? What can you do? It was really late and I was saying stuff I never would have said if I had my wits about me..... as a religious person its hard for her to take me seriously now; god isn't really something she can ignore about me anymore, I guess...... anyway, yeah. ReverendDexter: What is it you're trying to do? Obviously this isn't wife material, do you just want in her pants? Are you trying to build a legit friendship? Are you trying to convert her? Your goal determines your path. Classy_Dolphin: I'm not really trying to convert her; I've figured out that's a dead end, and its really not that important. I'm too young for marriage or anything like that, and if I wanted in her pants I'd have bailed already (no chance whatsoever). Even if she doesn't like me anymore or whatever, she's a good friend and I really enjoy talking to her and spending time with her, and I want to try to fix things and get the issue out of the way. She says its ok but things have never been the same since this talk. (Her religiosity is really important to her, and in a lot of ways its how she deals with some problems from her childhood and some tough times she's faced, that's part of why I feel so bad.) [deleted]: So tell her this. Also, stop being one of the stupid fucks who gives other atheists a bad name. So there is no god. Is there a reason that you care if other people are wrong? autoNFA: I care because faith encourages satisfaction with lack of knowledge, which royally screws up a functioning democracy. [deleted]: So you worship knowledge over satisfaction? Doesn't make too much sense from an atheist standpoint. If this life is all you have, why waste it attaining knowledge rather than attaining happiness? autoNFA: I find happiness and satisfaction in learning about the world around me. [deleted]: And if other people get happiness and satisfaction from something else, who are you to stop them? autoNFA: It concerns me that people who take pride in ignorance vote in large numbers. [deleted]: >I care because faith encourages satisfaction with lack of knowledge, which royally screws up a functioning democracy. >It concerns me that people who take pride in ignorance vote in large numbers. I would argue that the biggest threat to democracy is those that say others are unfit to vote autoNFA: To clarify - I'm not seeking to prevent them from voting, but instead saying it's a bad situation in general.

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rastapus: TIFU: games on the can = mess So long story really short, i was having a really good run through a temple on my phone while dropping a deuce today. I do this all the time, coordinate all bodily functions whilst jumping ducking and turning. Then i got to a particularly tricky bit. This is where the mess happened, my mind decided to prioritize temple run over civilized bowel evacuation. had a chub on, pissed everywhere needed to change my pants. wheresmyhouse: Does Temple Run normally give you a boner? rastapus: It was only a chub. PretendCasual: I don't think that makes it okay to have a "chub" while going to the bathroom. I think the real question is "Does anal stimulation normally give you a chub?" rastapus: Anything can give you a chub. SirDigby1: This is giving me a chub. whiterabbi: chub

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KiwiBait: TIFU-I put new dark blue jeans in with a load of white clothes... one brain fart later and 2 hours of soaking in bleach later, still ruined. [deleted]: New or not, doesn't matter. My *only* pair of dark blue jeans (that is, the only pair of jeans that I've found, that actually fit me) are almost a year old and they're still capable of coloring other clothes somewhat blue. KiwiBait: The reason I said new is because I had literally got them that day and I took them out of the bag and figured "hey I should wash these before they stain my purse/clothes".....

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TheManCarpCometh: TIFU : Drank a cup of coffee with my crotch on my way to school. Today I woke up late. Instantly anger clouded my judgement as I fumbled around my room to get all my shit together. When I went upstairs a pot of coffee was made (thank god) and I proceeded to search for my travel mug. Unfortunately, it was nowhere to be found. Already considerably late I decided a regular coffee mug would have to suffice. I filled it up and headed out the door. Carefully, I got into my truck, and drove off (keep in mind my truck has a manual transmission) pleased with myself. The road I live on is very bumpy so I carefully avoided potholes the whole way (Still having not spilled a drop). I was doing very good avoiding them, until... the widow maker appeared.. the pothole to end all potholes, and I **smoked** it. The coffee cup went airborne but thank *god* my crotch was there to break its fall. Burning hot coffee soaked my downstairs and I nearly went off the road. I hate this day. **TL;DR :: Coffee Cup uses Splash. It's super effective! Crotch fainted.** kinda_alone: My condolences. No one should ever have to go through that TheManCarpCometh: I learned my lesson, *never* again.

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sadi89: TIFU I have a presentation in less then an hour on a book I didn't really read. And now instead of doing last minute cramming. I'm on reddit. pkhong: I wish I could of helped you in time, www.sparknotes.com comes in handy at these times. sadi89: Unfortunately, its a history/anthropology book about the shift from a primarily oral system of education to one with a heavy reliance on the written word...I'm Yemen. Not exactly the type of thing you fond on sparknotes. riotousdefect: See, what I do when that happens is just skip that hour, read the book that night, and do my presentation the next day. Works like a charm. And the teachers don't get too pissed off. It's like a win-win slacking situation. sadi89: yeah....that wouldn't have flown in this circumstance.

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dmuns: tifu: Got caught masturbating in the middle of nowhere, ran over a snake, AND fell into a creek... twice I perform chemical tests on creek water several times per week, and today I was out in the middle of the woods, ALONE for a change. It takes me about twenty minutes to get to the first test site along this creek on my mountain bike, so it's pretty secluded. I hadn't flogged the dolphin in about a week because I've been so busy, not to mention that I live in a cramp dorm room. So, I got a little aroused and looked up some porn on my phone. Started going at it on the side of this trail. All of my focus is on my phone's screen and wouldn't you know it, a female cross country team from the college across town sneaks right up on me. I didn't notice them until they were about twenty meters away, so they caught a side view of what I was doing. One of them called me a pervert while two others cat whistled at me. Being as embarrassed as I was, I stepped down off the trail into the woods just to make sure they didn't see my face. I waited for fifteen minutes or so in shame to let some distance grow in between myself and them, then hopped back on my bike and went towards the second test site (which is in the same direction they went). I turned onto another trail before I caught them and was nearing the second test site when I saw my very first red squirrel. Finished my testing at site two, and headed towards my truck. On the way back, I run over a snake and nearly fall off of my bike because I didn't realize it was a snake until it was too late (I hate snakes). Got back to the truck, drove over to the third testing site and went down next to the creek to gather some water samples. I got close to the water on an already steep and slippery bank. I realized I had not checked the area for snakes before I knealt down, and I freaked out and proceeded to slip right into the creek. I climbed out as fast as I could to try and save my phone in my pocket, then, as I was pulling my phone out of my water-logged pocket, I slipped back in again. I pulled a Bill O'Reilly, and said "FUCK IT, I'LL JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. FUCK THE CREEK." I got back to my truck, and there were four turkeys pecking at their reflections on the passenger side. Needless to say, I fucked up. bearclawww: It's not like smoking. You can't just pull over and say, "I think I'll have a quick fap." Stinkfist94: Hell, i fap while driving sometimes. GFandango: If you hit me with your car I'll chop your penis off with a machet. Just sayin. tanzorbarbarian: I find your lack of "e" very unintimidating. [deleted]: really? makes him look like a person used to chopping things off. tanzorbarbarian: point taken Bl4cBird: No, not the point. the sharp edge.

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Naznarreb: TIFU by learning the hard way that Carnation Instant Breakfast gives me explosive diarrhea. It was bad. I was at work and made a **huge** mess in the men's room. I panicked and almost packed it in right then and there, thought I'd just zip up and make a break for the parking lot; hopefully no would notice before I got out. But I took a breath, calmed down, cleaned up as best I could and slipped down to the weight room and took a shower. Fortunately I happened to have an extra set of clothes in my locker. Cleaned myself up, then called the maint guys to report that *someone* had left a mess in the gents.... Pretty sure I made a clean getaway. logicalrationaltruth: I don't get it... you got shit *outside* of the toilet? Did you just stand and try to spray in its general direction? riotousdefect: How do you misdirect your anus to the toilet bowl? Naznarreb: Popped my cork mid-squat - was only about halfway down when everything blew.

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foxy1167: TIFU, my dog almost ran onto a local highway / drowned. Went to a local dog park today, okay place, large sandbox area enclosed with a fence. My dog is a Boxer / Shepherd mix, so she's a big dog. Had some fun, ran around, yadda yadda yadda. Around 7 PM EST I decide to leave, and had the dumbass idea to let her off the leash outside the fence. Stupid me thought she would follow me as if she thought she was wearing a leash. As soon as I open the gate, she takes off, sprinting in all directions. My mind is racing, because on one side of the park is the highway, with a little 2 foot high barrier that had a few gaps in it, and on the other side, is a lake, which has no barrier. Worst of all, I'm ~300lbs, and can't run for my life. Twenty minutes of her running around having the time of her life, scaring the shit out of me, and me trying (and failing) to run after her, she finally gets close enough to me that I can grab her. Seriously learned my lesson after this. Stares_at_walls: Good girl dog; using her owner's love for her to manipulate him into getting exercise. mundusvultdecipi: Bitches are always schemin'

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[deleted]: Live stream fail logicalrationaltruth: >Rules: >1. Start all posts with "TIFU" >2. Don't break rule 1 TYFU on TIFU swashbucklinghomegir: ...I did start my post with TIFU! Or do you mean in the title? logicalrationaltruth: Ah, they did not specify so I must concede. BTW, why were you spying on your boyfriend?

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TheManCarpCometh: TIFU : Chased down a jerk for nearly running me off the road, found out he was driving his pregnant wife to the hospital. *This actually happened about a year ago but I thought you guys might appreciate it* I was driving down the highway when I noticed a car coming up on me fast. He flew past me and cut me off nearly running me right off the road. In a fit of rage I accelerate and follow the guy. At the first cut-off he slows down for a red light and proceeds to blow through it nearly T-boning another car. Now i'm starting to believe this guy is out of his mind. So, making sure the coast is clear, I blow the light as well and continue to follow this lunatic. He's driving at break neck speeds and i'm having trouble safely keeping up with him (at the time my car was a '93 Dodge Spirit). I follow him until he finally stops. I jump out of my car ready to tear him a new one when i realize he stopped in front of the hospital. He proceeded to help his pregnant wife (who was currently in labor) out of the car. I felt like a huge idiot for following him for 10 minutes and just got back in my car and drove away. I am an idiot. TheMagicUpvoteFairy: That guy fucked up too, by not having an ambulance do all that for him. TheManCarpCometh: Oh absolutely, this guy was driving like it was his last day on earth. It's amazing no one was killed. siegewolf: Ok, so you didn't screw up at all. This guy is 100% at fault. First, the ambulance. Second, Speeding with his pregnant wife. He is NOT Bobby Labonte or Fernando Alonso. Third, running someone off the road. Being that reckless is stupid. Never feel like you did something wrong here. The guy with his wife was a tool. riotousdefect: Yeah, I mean, great, he helped his pregnant-as-fuck wife out by taking her to the hospital. He might have meant well, but he's still completely in the wrong. Plus, if he would have wrecked, the airbags could have killed both the wife and the baby. Talk about some imbecilic action.

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daniel64: TYFU: i leave accidentally a aluminium ball to my dog rya11111: removed for breaking rule 1 daniel64: Damn misspelling TIFU rya11111: :D .. please resubmit if you want .. daniel64: ok, i start to fell like bad luck Brian

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TheNormalSun: ... by throwing away my spoon instead of the lid of my pudding rya11111: removed for breaking rule 1 TheNormalSun: Noticed . Thanks . rya11111: please re submit if u want .. TheNormalSun: Nah ... It wasn't that interesting i have to admit .

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sepha: TIFU: Fell off a building. Yesterday I was showing how a bird's wings work to a 5th grade class. I was demoing a flying machine ornithopter which flew really high - the wind caught it and took it to the school roof. I climbed up the single story building to get it back. When getting down I took a nasty fall onto the grass and hurt my ankle real bad. Hopefully not broke but I can't make it to the doctor until next week. solstice38: Sometimes a clean break is better than a bad sprain. creepingdeathv2: Interesting thought. But is that really true ? solstice38: I've had a few bad sprains, but no broken bones. Each time with a different doctor, and each one said this.

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[deleted]: TIFU: jizz stain on my shoe. This wasnt particularly today but it was definately a fuck up. I was giving my boyfriend head at skool and things got kinda oyt of hand wen he pulled out and proceeded to cum all over my shoe. See, i wouldnt hav freaked out so bad if, A: he would have warned me. And B: i wasnt wearing black fake velvety shoes. And worst of all we had to hang around the school for two more hours because we had band practice. Dr_Salt: >I was giving my boyfriend head at skool [ಠ\_ಠ](http://i.imgur.com/LNBm5.png) fistymcbuttpuncher: Guess we know what they do with the majority of their time while at school. *spoiler*: it's not learning

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purplemonkey218: TIFU I went into the wrong-gendered restroom So I was at this mall and I realize "Oh shit, I gotta shit." So of course the bathrooms are on the other side of the mall. I buns-of-steel-waddle to the other side of the mall, dash into the bathroom, into a stall, and release my colon bomb. It was just bad. I was finishing up when I see a pair of high heels walk by the door of my stall. I have a sudden moment of realization that I hadn't looked for the gender sign out side the door or looked for urinals. So I weigh my options, of which there are only one: walk out when you are pretty sure nobody else is in the restroom. Since I have long hair I pulled it up around my face to cover my manly-man beard, and pull up my pants so they get tighter around my ass, trying to look as feminine as possible. I step out and this old lady walks in just as I exit my stall. I would have otherwise cherished the expression on her face, but I was more concerned about getting arrested. I speedily washed my hands and left. TL;DR I walked into the girls room on accident and frightened an old lady. FireTeam-Violet: Before I was in this store and I accidentally went into the girls bathroom, and took a HUGE shit. Then I got a odd feeling when I saw a couple of girls walk in. Then I manage to sneak out to be greeted by another man trying to walk in there, I go, "dude that's the womens bathroom, also you wouldn't want to go in there, I accidentally destroyed it thinking it was the guys" He's like, "oh, thanks bro, and by the way that's just wrong..." purplemonkey218: Are you me? FireTeam-Violet: I don't think so, lol

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iamregretting: TIFU: I saw someone being molested and I didn't do anything. I was at a local market shopping around for groceries for the week with my mother when something that really bothered me happened. Usually there is this homeless nearly blind guy that wanders through the market and accepts any spare change that is given to him but he never harasses anyone for anything. So as he was taking his time finding his way, this old disgusting gap toothed piece of shit of a man comes up to the blind man grabbing the poor guys crotch and slapping his butt. It is known that the homeless guy can curse like a sailor and this stupid fuck was trying to get a rise out of him. After he did this he stepped back to giggle like a fucking school girl and that's when I noticed that he wasn't the only one giggling but so was almost everyone else there. I was shocked before but now I was in total disbelief. That's when the man goes back and grabs the blind guys crotch again causing the man to drop his bag. People continue to laugh. All I can muster up to do at that moment is tell my mother what just happened since she was busy buying something or the other. I begin saying things like "I don't see how that's funny." and "If someone grabbed my crotch, I would slit their throat right there.". What shocked me was how old these folks were and how they could find humor in this situation. I know I should have done something. I regret not doing anything. I might see the molester at the market again, any suggestions if I do? 11jeckley: Fuck this guy, seriously. When I was growing up, there was a guy who was mentally challenged who used to walk around town and talk to people. His name was Tony, and he was super friendly. Most people were cool with him, but some asshole punks liked to fuck with him. One guy who lived in a care home down the street from me, got really drunk and started following Tony around asking for a hug. He would get really close to him and start rubbing his back/chest, making moaning noises and such. I just watched while Tony, obviously frightened, kept stumbling away awkwardly (while still trying to be nice, bless his heart). Eventually, the drunk guy just fell over and passed out. That's when Tony started crying and carried the drunk guy back to the care home about a block away. I always felt guilty because I never said anything, I just watched from my porch. tellywatching: Tony sounds like a guy who works as a janitor at my university. He is super nice and I talk to him when I can. I can't imagine how pissed I'd be if anyone ever did anything like that to him. ): 11jeckley: I know, it was heart-wrenching. :( I was only eleven at the time, so even if I did muster up enough courage to stand up for him, I don't know what the drunk guy would've done to me. I'm back in my hometown going to college now, and I saw Tony at McDonald's the other day. He's still cheerful as ever. :) tellywatching: Well it's good to hear that he's doing great! We can all learn a lesson from people like Tony. (:

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im_tw1g: TIFU: Left the door open and a bird came in. We have a cat. (well, the fuckup was yeterday but it still counts) When I went out to go to soccer practice yesterday, I left the side door open. When we came back, the hallway was covered in feathers. And the cat was there looking pleased with herself. Spent a few minutes looking for a bird, but we couldn't find it, and we assumed it had escaped or was eaten by the cat. Next morning. Just laying in bed, thinking about life, when a wild bird just hops into my bedroom! Looked like a small grey sparrow or something. So we caught it and let it fly away. There might have been another bird too though, because there were a lot of feathers, and the bird I found just flew away. foxy1167: You're lucky the cat doesn't go out and catch them for you. I've had at least three dead birds given as gifts from my cat into my bed. Not pleasant to wake up to. im_tw1g: well she's caught a few snakes and mice and brought them back, but at least she doesnt take it into my bedroom. That must suck. foxy1167: It most certainly does.

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ern19: TIFU when I chopped off a chunk of my finger at work. I'm a lowly sandwich slave at Subway. About half an hour before I was scheduled to leave, I was opening a bag of roast beef. Everything at Subway is sealed in apocalypse-proof, NASA-grade plastic, and of course all of our knives are duller than Paris Hilton with a hangover. So, I try to slit the whole bag open in one swipe; however, my index finger was in the line of fire. Then... blood. So much fucking blood. And I have to work tomorrow. Fuck. Rivfader: Did you cut off the finger, or just a hunk of the flesh? ern19: Nothing that serious, I just lost a good sliver off the tip of my finger. It doesn't really look gruesome now that it's been cleaned (and super-glued). Aszuul: I love super glue, and I'm so glad that docs discovered it's usefulness in place of stitches. NeverLucid: Not always so convenient when you also carry eye drops. My grandpa mixed up the two... Hilarious, but I'm going to hell for thinking so. Aszuul: Either incredible pain, or confused why the things won't stick together. NeverLucid: They cut off his eyelashes. Aszuul: Oh my...

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feelinweird: TIFU: Fucked up my kneecap in front of 60+ people. Participating in a musical performance. Dancing too much. Kneecap falls out of place in high visibility. Stack (fall) hard. Sit the remainder of the song in noticeable agony. Carried off, everyone's fucking looking. get makeshift splint from bar manager. Helluva guy. Walk around and attempt to act chill walkin' like a pirate. Wasn't too bad, but def embarassing. TheGreatWhitehorse: I used to be a dancer like you...... feelinweird: There's a guy that I work with who is into Skyrim, who on the first day I came back, first thing he said was... well you know. PerpetualDick: >you know. No, what? Please tell me. feelinweird: And I [quote.](http://i.qkme.me/35biwb.jpg)

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Stephoscope: TIFU: Drunk baking ending with a trip to the ER http://imgur.com/a/r1h5g#tR874 After drinking from a large glass that was primarily tequila, I decided to make Oatmeal Raisin cookies from scratch for my boyfriend. I measured correctly, had everything out, but I forgot one essential ingredient. I forgot the damn butter. I stupidly put it in the microwave to soften it and left it there. In the meantime, I sprayed the dry ingredients all over the kitchen and broke both spokes off of my Black and Decker mixer. When I realized my mistake I put all of the dry ingredients on that blue plate, poured the softened butter over it, and stuck it in the microwave for two minutes. I ate a handful of it and gave myself slight food poisoning. I threw up so many times that I could not swallow water without gagging and the primary constituent was bile. I went to the ER for dehydration, where I found that my B/P was 80/58. I was happy to pass out in the waiting room instead of in my car (which I had been driving in alone). EDIT: To clarify, the time span was about 8 hours over night. I did not drive drunk. **TL;DR**: I gave myself food poisoning with a drunk creation of mine and ended up in the ER with extreme dehydration Nightshade3312: And this, this is why we have TIFU. Excellent story! I had a day like that with the uncontrollable puking and the ER and the dehydration... but that was the day my body decided to give itself celiac disease, I feel your pain. Do you know what ingredient upset your stomach so bad? Stephoscope: Raw egg... butter...one of the two. It was in my hair, all over my clothes, and on the bed. I had to have tried to ingest it. It had nothing to do with the alcohol, but the alcohol sure didn't help. Couldn't tell if it was a dehydration headache or just a hangover headache, food poisoning or just my body not liking the tequila, etc. Nightshade3312: That doesn't sound like "minor" food poisoning haha, you probably got a bad egg (sorry for the pun) my sister loves telling me the horror stories that come from working in a hospital about the people that think they're rocky and drinking raw eggs. shaggorama: Your sister is wrong. Eggs are generally sterile. Nightshade3312: Tell that to her college degree in clinical laboratory science. Also: here ya go. http://news.discovery.com/human/egg-salmonella-bacteria.html shaggorama: The article agrees with me: eggs are *generally* sterile. According to your article, if someone consumed a raw egg every day for a year, the chance that they'd encounter a single contaminated egg is less than 2% Nightshade3312: >An estimated 2,400 people have been sickened from the eggs and more than 550 million eggs have been recalled since early August. It happens.

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Armonster: TIFU: Lost a chance to use a 50% off coupon for over a hundred dollars worth of clothes. Was buying some shirts online, and I couldn't decided whether to get one or not. So I went to bed and decided against it the next day. Decided to look up coupon codes for the site. There was a FIFTY percent off one, that worked for everyone that did it, and it expired yesterday. God. Damn. It. riotousdefect: Oh god, the humanity. I feel so sorry for you. Like, seriously, it's horrible. Armonster: Yeah, I was pretty annoyed the next day. On the bright side, I got some cool shirts... i guess.

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The_Bug_L: TIFU: I spent today playing my PS3 and browsing Reddit instead of studying for my exam tomorrow morning I was at the library at by 10am this morning to study but ended up spending 5 hrs on reddit. It was depressing, so I came home for a change of scenery and a little COD:MW3 break on the PS3 but spent like 5 hrs on that. Now I just spent the last 5 hrs on reddit and youtube again. ugh, I would have been fine if I just studied today :( I'm so fucked! The_Bug_L: I found this subreddit only a couple days ago. I just realized you guys probably get this one here all the time. dmuns: You're learning the ways of reddit, young one, but not the ways of your studies. FunnyTwo: That....That's deep, man.

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Poly_Kuroichigo: TIFU: Chipped a tooth while trying to be affectionate. This morning I was feeling awful so when I got home from class, I decided to have a nap. I woke up to my boyfriend pulling the blanket up over me. My response to this in my mostly asleep state was to grab his hand and pull him down for a snog. Only problem was that I'd forgotten that he's fractured his leg and has no ability to balance. So he fell and hit me mouth first. He now has a tooth ache and I've chipped my front tooth. Now I'm going to have to pay for a filling. TIFU ThinksThisIsFMyLife: Vote: I agree, your life sucks. boldbird99: This isnt fmylife.com

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SaltyChristian: [Announcement] New rule regarding unoriginal/common submissions. Recently there has been a lot of posts along the lines of "TIFU when I spent my whole day redditing instead of working/studying." These posts are very unoriginal, and procrastinating and/or spending too much time on reddit is a common occurence to most redditors. It is also very very predictable that procrastination leads to trouble later, so it isn't an unlikely, surprising, or unique fuck up. Lastly, these are way too common in the subreddit, so it's nothing new to read. We are creating a new rule: **Do not submit Fuck-Ups about wasting time on reddit.** This is temporary, we are going to see how it works after about a week, and then we will keep it or remove it. Please express your concerns/opinions in the comments. DigitalMindShadow: Why not let the community upvote and downvote what it thinks are good submissions or not? Whether or not someone should post about wasting time on reddit isn't the biggest issue in the world, but if you're going to be banning otherwise on-topic posts (it's unclear from OP's post whether that's the case), I'd argue that's overly heavy-handed modding. You never know, someone might have found a unique way to waste time on reddit, or an interesting/amusing way of expressing it, etc. Personally I don't see any reason for this new rule, and it's unclear how it will be enforced. TL;DR: Devil's advocate viewpoint that most of you will probably downvote based on disagreeing with it even though it contributes to the discussion. SaltyChristian: We are using a very hands-off moderating strategy here. We won't remove posts if they are unique, just because they include procrastinating on Reddit. It will be a very lenient rule, it's different and interesting, we'll allow it. The reason for the rule is that people upvote because they can relate to it, not because it's interesting or unique or a huge fuck-up. That's not the idea of the subreddit, and sometimes what the votes decide is not what the subreddit is for. It's kinda like the DAE rule,"DAE breath air" is relatable, but not the point of the subreddit. DigitalMindShadow: >people upvote because they can relate to it, not because it's interesting IMO that's an oxymoron. People are interested by things that they can relate to. I do appreciate your assurance of leniency. But I take it you will be removing posts that are otherwise on-topic based on the mods' unilateral and subjective judgment of what's interesting or not. No matter how lenient, that strikes me as at least potentially abusive. As a rule, I'm against even potential abuses of power. SaltyChristian: They are interested in it because they relate to it, not because it's an interesting fuck-up to read about. This subreddit isn't [/r/TIDSYCRT](/r/TIDSTYCRT) (Today I Did Something That You Can Relate To). If they are upvoting on the basis that they can relate to it, they aren't promoting the purpose of the subreddit. This is not an abuse of mod power, and our judgment on whether or not a post is worthy is no worse than yours, even if it does differ. Because of the gap in interpretation, we will play a bit of devil's advocate so that we're sure it's a violation of the rules. Hopefully no posts will come that close, as users will see the rules first. DigitalMindShadow: >They are interested in it because they relate to it, not because it's an interesting fuck-up to read about. In your opinion. Presumably if everyone felt this way, these posts wouldn't get upvoted. >If they are upvoting on the basis that they can relate to it, they aren't promoting the purpose of the subreddit. I disagree. As long as they're posting about something that they fucked up today, that promotes the purpose of the subreddit. If that post then gets upvoted, that means the community thinks it was sufficiently interesting; if it gets downvoted, that means the opposite. I don't think it should be the mods' job to supplant their judgment for that of the community. >our judgment on whether or not a post is worthy is no worse than yours No, but it is more powerful. All I can do is upvote or downvote, you can remove posts completely. >This is not an abuse of mod power yet.

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Holmx: TIFU: Texted to a girl that I liked her, but she already has a boyfriend.. Now's the friendship gone too.. I have met the girl on a holiday and she contacted me after on facebook. We did write for a fairly long time and yesterday i wrote as the title says. Now is the girl gone.. Think I'm going to use the rest of my life on Reddit. **EDIT:** I did know that she had got a boyfriend. Sorry for misunderstandings. pkhong: Ouch, you didn't fuck up. She fucked up by losing you bud. Cheer up buddy. pkhong: And there's plenty of shrimps in the sea. Ninjasantaclause: And zooplankton tons of zooplankton Aszuul: and apples? [deleted]: Don't be silly. TheFreeBee: Don't be anorexic. Xemeriba: Where's relevant rule34 when you need him...

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[deleted]: TIFU: I spent an hour trying to build an infra red light pen, but threw it all away in frustration because the light wouldn't turn on But I found out at the end of the YouTube tutorial that the the light isn't supposed to be visible. Neebat: I'm kind of skeptical that you spent an hour building something without knowing what it was intended to do. dannycalamity: You've obviously never purchased an Ikea product. Neebat: Even more so! I've received an Ikea product as a gift. I think it was a food storage cabinet for rotting fish. Or is that the wrong Scandinavian country? benoliver999: 'Scandinavian country' is enough.

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CodyCarlile: TIFU by giving this guy pickles First of all i work at Krystals and theres always rude customers but usually not as clever as this guy. Anyway heres what happened... A guy walks in with a couple of his buddies and they start figuring out what they want. The first guy walks up to the counter and i say "welcome to krystals how may i help you?" his gives me his order and i do the same with the next guy. when the third guy tells me his order he asks for 6 krystals with no pickles and a large coke. i forgot to hit the -pickles botton so when he got his food i figured he'd complain. to my suprise he didn't, so later i checked on them and said hows everything going? i notice that there was a bunch of pickles stuck on the window. so i ask him "excuse me sir why did you do that?" he replied "how could that have been me? i ordered mine without pickles." i wasnt shure what to say back so i walked away and cleaned it later. [deleted]: Would this be classed as a burn? http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/252/589/d49.png mattmoin117: no

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strongbadiophage: TIFU:Spilled the contents of my taco on the ground and felt like an idiot. I wasted half an hour of my lunch break deciding whether to go to Del Taco, and when I finally did go I had to walk/rush. I was in a rush so I decided to start eating while I was walking. I got stopped at a light and while I opened the wrapping of the first taco I accidentally spill most of the contents on the ground and feel like an idiot in front of all the cars. And I was wearing sunglasses. I got to awkwardly stand there like a fool amongst my lost taco contents until I got the walk signal. A person walked by me from across the street and as soon as he got to the other side I'm sure he figured out who the culprit of the taco spilling was. thatuselessman: I did this with a pot of pasta. I walked to our school canteen and had pasta in my hand then someone walked into me and I spilled it all over the floor. strongbadiophage: It least it wasn't your fault.

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iLEZ: TIFU by losing a used condom wrapper at work. Somewhere. I had sexual congress with a purdy lady last weekend and disposed my two opened condom wrappers in my pocket (never litter the lady's bedroom gentlemen, the rubbers themselves should be handled too of course). This monday I was sitting as usual at work and slipped my hand into my pocket and thought "AH! My weekend was a success, here are my two condom wrappers, I'll throw these away as soon as I get home." Upon leaving work though, there was only one wrapper in my pocket. By now (tuesday), rumors are probably spreading among the cleaning ladies. [(Bonus ragecomic)](http://i.imgur.com/oc4V7.jpg) 1unacy: Wait wait. She's in congress? iLEZ: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sexual+congress 1unacy: Thanks, dad, I had no idea. But way to miss the Firefly reference there. iLEZ: GET OFF MY LAWN! Seriously though, I've never seen Firefly. *ducks* 1unacy: I'LL STAND ON YOUR GODDAMN LAWN IF I FUCKING WANT TO!!1 But really, if you like sci-fi in the least I would highly recommend it. In fact, I would say its viewing is mandatory. Just prepare to be extremely disappointed when it ends after only fourteen episodes. iLEZ: I'm so afraid that it's been over-hyped and I'll be expecting too much though. I'll check it out, just because my day was crappy and I need something neat to look forward to. Thanks! =)

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omegawoot: [TIFU] Woke up when my exam started, and fell on my face rushing over to it. I was supposed to study and go to two classes before my exam, one with an attendance policy, but I woke up at noon instead of 9am. I woke up and instantly threw clothes on and started biking over. Without my glasses and half asleep, I hit a rock on my bike and faceplanted on grass. I got back up and got over there just to fail the exam by forgetting about half of the damn material. marshmallowbob: The good news is, even a 50% failure is much, much better than a 0. A 0 is basically not possible to recover from, while a 50% on one exam is still possible to turn into a C or even a B. Godspeed, soldier. riomhaire: 50% is a fail in the states? It's 40% to pass here. What do you have to get to pass? omegawoot: Over 65% Not hard to do usually... riomhaire: Heh. 70% gets you the highest possible grade in my course. omegawoot: ...in engineering? Cause that's normal for engineering here. This was an Economics course. >.< stupid non-major classes. riomhaire: Physics in Ireland.

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urbanlegendary: TIFU by leaving my mom's sunroof open last night, then it rained calafragilistic: I left my mom's car door literally open all night one time, in a bad neighborhood. No freaking clue how nothing got stolen. Poly_Kuroichigo: As opposed to leaving it figuratively open? calafragilistic: I figured people would just think I left it unlocked, which was literally not the case. gibsonsg87: We talking wide open? Or just closed over, but not actually shut. calafragilistic: Wide open, like I literally removed the door from the frame and forgot to replace it. gibsonsg87: You *forgot* to replace it? calafragilistic: Literally.

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GDFD1: TIFU Got Drunk, Fell Down Got Drunk, Fell Down – #1 My neighbor asked this morning, “How did you do that to your nose?” I said, “Got drunk, fell down.” She said, “Really?” I contemplated momentarily regarding how many times in the next few weeks I’m going to be asked about my two black eyes as the result of a broken nose. I concluded that most people won’t accept “got drunk, fell down”, as a reasonable answer. If they were going to occupy my time with stupid questions like “REALLY?”, than I was going to have some fun. Knowing she loved feeding the local ducks, I told her, “Well, if you have a minute, I’ll tell you the whole story?” “Yeah!” “You see, I got drunk last night while watching the wildlife from my back porch. I had a great time. You didn’t hear me from your adjoining Townhouse?” “No, I didn’t hear anything!” “Well, I started to get kind of hungry. It was too late to order pizza and I didn’t have anything to eat in the refrigerator. I was hurting. Then, I saw a beautiful, fat, mallard duck on the retention pond. I started salivating. It was flapping its wings, preening about, almost like teasing me. I could taste the roast duck covered in the sweet and sour sauce calling my name from the refrigerator door. I just couldn’t resist. I got my shotgun and put a shell in each of the two barrels.” “You DIDN’T!?” “I sure did. I shouldered that heavy, long beast of a duck killing weapon, wobbled around near the ponds edge, and then fired off one round of bird shot… (She looked horrified). You didn’t hear it?” “You killed one of my ducks?” “Oh, no. I totally missed. But it didn’t fly off either. What a stupid duck. I must have missed by a lot. Since I still had another shell in the other barrel, and I was still hungry, I tried to focus for another shot. But, I was seeing double and triple ducky’s on the pond. I could barely keep my footing on the sandy shoreline or balance and aim the shotgun. In order to focus on the one real duck and aim to kill, I held the gun in a straight horizontal line from the butt stock to the barrel right in front of my face. This way, I could aim right down both barrels for the dinner kill!” “NO?” “YES!” I paused for effect and could not believe that she was enthralled with this ridiculous fabrication. I threw my arms in the air and yelled, “BOOM, I fired, was knocked off my feet by the recoiling shotgun hitting me in the face.” She took a step back, looking dumbfounded and amazed at the same time. She believed every word. “Like I said, ‘Got drunk, fell down.’” SDDavis18: I was at a large party when I was 19. I was so intoxicated that I started dancing with guys I knew to be virginal, desperate, creepy and sad. Apparently I got bored of just dancing rather quickly because soon I found myself making out intensely with this random dance partner, a rather gay looking boy younger than me. I was wearing a fedora, which he playfully grabbed and ran away. Drunken me followed him through the doorway when I slipped. I fell flat on my fucking face. Ended up breaking half of my front tooth off. No chipping, a full break, and at this crazy angle. I also busted my top lip and scraped my face. My gay friend at the time, upon finding out about the tooth announced it to everyone there. Needless to say I didn't talk much the rest of the night. I'm just glad I was that drunk. I would have cried from pain and embarrassment sober. By the way, this happened on a Friday night. I had to wait until the next week to see my dentist. I will always be able to see and feel the line where my real tooth ends and the fake part begins. It's also more sensitive to cold now. If anyone notices, all I say is "got drunk, fell down." GDFD1: That's hilarious and a forever reminder!

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olithraz: TIFU: the backup server for my home network lost connection to the NAS and filled it's drive up... now it wont boot because there is no space Epic fail. All the servers and computers rsync their files to the backup server, which has the NAS mounted locally. It lost connection to the NAS, so everything stayed on it instead of going to the nas. Skeletalbob: Time to pull out the drive manually, mounting it to another machine and getting the files of that way :/ - I'm sure you already knew that was one solution, but surely some poor sod didn't know you can mount a full drive onto another PC via a caddy, pull the files off it, and then put it back in its original home in working order. Firebert0z: Could possibly get a ubuntu live CD and use a usb stick to move some of the files. Not 100% sure if it'll work though, I've never used a live CD in this type of situation. Skeletalbob: Sounds possible, aslong as the live CD is able to use inserted USB sticks, not a bad idea, hell why not use a Live CD on a bootable USB stick.

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ilk425: TIFU. I crashed my car after sneezing. I was driving home from my friend's place and was in the lane closest to the sidewalk as I intended to turn off soon. I felt a huge sneeze coming on and thinking nothing of it, proceeded to let fly. I ended up sneezing hard enough that I jerked my wheel and proceeded to plow into a tree. It was bad enough explaining the accident to the cop but my family thought it was the funniest thing to ever happen. nakednun: **Boss**: When can one lose control and not be able to help it? **Chinaski**: A man might lose control over his cab when he sneezed. **Boss**: Correct. You are not alone. MustardMcguff: what an awesome obscure reference.

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Armonster: Drove 2 hours with my friends to a show... on the WRONG DATE. heylookatmybutt: What's the deets? TotalFusionOne: Downvote in the hopes that that slang will NEVER catch on. thekid_frankie: It's called an apocopation. Like cig for cigarette, gas for gasoline, or even clit for clitoris. And I'm pretty sure it was only popular in the early 60s, so I guess it's due to catch back on.

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yamancool63: TIFU: Almost killed a customer after repairing their bicycle. Long story short, there was an issue with the brake lever that didn't present itself while I worked on it or while I took it for a test ride (It was getting stuck under certain conditions). Customer came to pick up the bike, and proceeded to ride it home. Half hour later, he comes back in and explains that he flew over the handlebars because of said brake problem. So, he's getting a helmet and brake lever on the company, and he's pretty pissed. He was a first time customer as well, what a wonderful first impression! kinda_alone: Was the break problem there before you started working on it? Because if it was, then he fucked up for not telling you. yamancool63: According to the customer, "it had never done that before." It wasn't something I caused for sure, but it's basically a lose-lose. I worked on the bike, customer rides it, customer crashes because of mechanical problem. kinda_alone: Sounds like your customer is screwing you over. Either way, my condolences. Chuckgofer: It's not so much a TIFU as it is an unfortunate thing. My condolances and upvotes are yours

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[deleted]: TIFU: Drained my car battery while on the phone. Got a jump from a friend, only to lock my keys in the car while it was on It was not a good night. Had to miss my tutoring session and call pop-a-lock. Chuckgofer: Which is weird, most modern cars have a safety feature that if your keys are in the ignition, the doors will open or something. Oh wait this is Reddit, everyone is a poor college student. [deleted]: My alarm system is a post manufacturer one, and it usually locks if you turn the car on with the doors closed, but stay unlocked if you turn it on when the door is open. For some reason, despite turning it on with the door open, it decided to lock itself. Most likely due to the battery being out of power. Chuckgofer: Makes sense. I guess. ...sorta

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plinking_zombies: TIFU: At work, searched for reddits with good landscape, architecture, and sky photography and wound up with a pornography block warning on my screen and a PORN shortcut in the middle of my browser I couldn't delete. Short version: I typed "porn" in the wrong search box. Yeah, I figured out how to delete the shortcut. I'm just lucky I didn't have to start a webex sharing session before I figured that out. Martholomule: Were you browing the "SFW Porn" subs? Man, i hate those names. It's not exactly SFW if you're going to browse sites with "porn" in the name. Some of them are so good, too... plinking_zombies: Yeah, that was what I was trying to do... talk about brain fade.

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nastybacon: TIFU: I lost an SD card containing all my personalised porn every girl I have ever known has ever sent me. It's also full of facebook pictures of people I know. If anyone finds this card, they'd be like WTF as its rather personalised fetish stuff. If my girlfriend finds it, then I'm going to have to leave the country. dotlizard: No offense, but as a girl I'm really glad I don't know you. [deleted]: pretty sure having a collection of received nudes isnt that uncommon. (i know more girls that like to collect than dudes) dotlizard: That makes sense -- as a girl, I know I receive a surprising amount of dickpictures in spite of being a rather old girl. It's almost like lots of guys enjoy showing their penises to anyone who'll look. [deleted]: I don't get that at all, personally. dotlizard: After I made that comment I realized it probably only *seemed* like a lot, it was really more like 4 or maybe 5 ... no, wait, at least 7 ... eh, no, I guess it really is a lot. Perhaps I project an air of wanting to see penises. Or I hang out with weirdos? *disclaimer: i am probably exaggerating in the interest of attempting to be amusing or funny.*

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HealthyandHappy: TIFU: Made an amputee joke to a girl whose aunt is a double amputee. Been single for a couple weeks so I figured I should try to move on and tried my luck with one lady. I initiate conversation and everything is going well, when she asks how my knee is (We were FB friends, and she must have seen my post about how I need knee surgery). Jokingly I said that I was going to opt for knee surgery, but the doctor said amputation would be cheaper. Then I said I'd rename myself to Legolas and bill myself as the sexiest thing on one and a half legs at some carnival. [Without hesitation, the girl stares me down just like this and says "My aunt is a double amputee..."](http://i54.tinypic.com/2wg7ups.jpg) I can tell that I only have one shot at saying the right thing to fix this shit. [Instead of speaking, I respond with one of these](http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/90/esq-larry-david-store-070811-lg.jpg) [Followed by one of these...] (http://janeheller.com/mainlyjane/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/larry-and-jeff.jpg) I didn't even find it funny. In fact, I thought it was terrible, but what the are the chances that I'd make an amputee joke and the girl's relative would actually be an amputee? [Needless to say, this is the only way I'll ever see that girl again.](http://www.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article383326.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/dexter-pic-mar19-459791501.jpg) [deleted]: My aunt is an amputee too, I would still laugh at this joke... or even if I didn't find it particularly funny, I wouldn't try to make you feel bad. My aunt is always making jokes about her disability and laughs with the ones I make as we both love dark humour. I think this is more a problem with a mismatch of sense of humours. You clearly enjoy a bit of inappropriate humour and this girl doesn't - which is fine. I wouldn't feel too bad about it. HealthyandHappy: I don't feel bad as much as I do incredibly awkward. I live in an incredibly rural area and I'm sure I'll be labeled the amputee hater soon enough. Laughing hysterically was probably the most inappropriate thing that I've ever done. elitexero: I thought that in most rural areas the more groups you hate the better off you were?

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[deleted]: TIFU: I put in my two weeks, signed resignation papers, and I don't have a job lined up. Basically, my workplace is inappropriate as fuck. I made complaints about how inappropriate some of the actions were by management. Examples- Regional Manager tickles lower backs of women in a weird sexual way, GM lives with 3 of his employees and let's them do whatever they want. GM changes clock in times so the Assistant Manager doesn't write up certain people that he favors. They hire illegals. And, much much more --Anyway, I had times and dates written down of all of these things, now I only have some because my significant other accidentally threw my notes away. ---- But, going back to the story, after I made complaints they made me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable so I made the irrational decision to put in my two weeks. The next day I felt remorse and threw away my pride and asked if I could keep my job. My GM told me that the regional manager had to decide. Now, I am waiting for them to get back to me, but I really don't want to stay there. But, of course I am scared I won't be able to find another job :( ---I really needed somewhere to vent, so I'm really sorry that this isn't that entertaining of a TIFU story since i didn't do that today :( Blah, I just feel so bad about myself. --- Edit: I didn't expect so many supportive comments. Thank you so much, Reddit. All of your comments have helped me feel better in this weird time of my life. You are truly a great community and I'm so happy to be a part of it. You guys are awesome! [deleted]: Really it sucks that so much inappropriate behaviour was going on to make you feel badly enough about things, and it's unfortunate that your company isn't open enough that you feel you could talk to them about it. I'm sure it bothers everyone except the 'favoured' ones, and most people are not willing to stand up and say anything. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself. I hope you are still looking for another job though. Nobody deserves to work in a place like that. zom4: Thank you :) I am still looking for another job. Hopefully something will turn up soon.

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Xemeriba: TIFU: Girlfriend's mom opened up my glove box to get a napkin and instead got a lap full of used condoms + wrappers. I decided to take my girlfriend and her mom out to brunch this morning. Her mom was applying makeup in the car and got a little lip gloss on her hand so she asked me if I had any napkins in the car. She was sitting shotgun because I felt it was polite to offer her that seat and my girlfriend didn't object. Time to divert... A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were having a great night. I took her to dinner and a movie and, well she had plans for after that involved my car and a very out-of-the-way area of town. Needless to say, we used a lot of condoms that night. We didn't have a place to throw them out at the time so she tied off all the rubbers, and then stuffed all the wrappers and condoms into my glove compartment so we could throw them away later. We didn't... Back to today. Without even thinking I said "I think I have some in the glove box" and then everything went in slow motion as I watch her open the compartment and at least a dozen tied off condoms and their wrappers fly into her lap. There are no words to describe any of our reactions. We pulled over near a public trash bin and threw them all away. I'm still waiting for any sort of contact from either of them about the situation. **Update as of Friday, April 6th: So right now I'm sitting on the couch with both of them. They are laughing and acting like nothing happened but there is still this uncomfortable air about the room. I want to crack a joke about the event or about anything but I'm worried it will make the tension worse.** clearedasfiled: Like...clean out your car once in a while Xemeriba: I clean out my car often, I just forget about the glove box... I rarely use it but now I'm going to have to check it before I take anyone in my car ever. clearedasfiled: bet you wont forget again Xemeriba: Damn straight! With my luck though, one of my friends is gonna turn out to be a redditor, find this, recognize my username which happens to be identical on most sites, and then try and troll me by placing them on awkward places (Like the sun-visor). Duckmarathon333: Sounds like you want this to happen. Xemeriba: It's not that I want it to happen... it's that I expect it to happen. Cornwalace: Well, ya, now it's probably going to happen... Xemeriba: Day 4... Still no trolls. Success :) lifeoutsidethecircle: Any trolls yet?

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Garglemesh113: TIFU: Was going to hook up with this random girl I met online... ended up doing errands/babysitting and didn't get any So I ask this girl online if she's dtf, and she responded quickly, "Sure, wanna meet at my place tomorrow?" So I go over, and it turns out she's in a bind. Her housemate is in the hospital for alcohol detox, and she doesn't have a California license yet, so she asks if I can pick her up. "No problem" I says, hopes high that being a gentleman scholar will get me points. So we get back, and the housemate turns out to be a mother of 2. The rest of the day consists of us awkwardly conversing with each other while we watch over a 2 year old and 3 year old. "I love hanging around toddlers!" said no one ever, but I acted that way. Did I end up reading Goodnight Moon to the 3 year old? I sure did. The evening rolls around, and we're watching Tangled for the 2nd time, because the kids love it. The mom is now around so I sense my opportunity. "Can I see your room?"... "Sure!" she says. And I tell you my friends... what happened next was beyond my comprehension. We get up to her room... and it's completely empty. No furniture. No lights. No bed. "Where do you sleep?" I said. "On the couch downstairs" she says. Yep, that's strike 3. I was out of there. Last I checked, being "dtf" means that not only are you desiring of sex, but that you have the actual means and opportunity to do so. BlameTheNinja: What a bitch. That sucks.. lukipela420: or you know, he was too ugly in person.

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dabeezkneez: TIFU: Made eggs explode. Started making some hard-boiled eggs so I'd have them ready for tomorrow. Sat down on the couch but I passed the-F-out. Woke up to smell something burning. I immediately remember I had been boiling the eggs. Run into the kitchen and find that one of the eggs is on fire in the pot. Grab the pot and start running water over them to put out the mini-fire. EGGS EXPLODE EVERYWHERE. My kitchen is currently covered in hard-boiled-nastyness. bnm3424: I remember when my grandmother did this. I laughed hysterically. PretendCasual: my grandmother did this less than a month ago. There was egg. EVERYWHERE. on the ceiling, floor, behind the stove, on the top of the ceiling fan. I'm not yolking when I say we still find more egg at least once a week. CorneliusJack: To the window! To the floor! Aaaa skeet skeet skeet!

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jimaug87: IFUO stabbed myself I'm slicing an apple with a nice, sharp knife , and I miss the apple. I felt the knife plunge into something, and a little pinch/burn near my wrist. I look down (yes, this happened because i wasn't paying attention), and see the handle up against my hand. Full 3" of blade running from the side of my hand into my wrist. Young invincible me pulls the knife out, gets the bleeding to stop, and gets away with it. Mom found out because I couldn't clean up all the blood, but it was just a "slice". I'm lucky to have full use of my hand and not to have hit a main line in my hand/wrist. The, "oh shit" moment was seeing that handle just standing straight up from my hand. snoodsispro: Pics or didn't happen jimaug87: This happened years ago, and the scar is just as white as the rest of my skin. It's glossy IRL, but doesn't translate through a camera phone. A mod encouraged me to post the story as a TIFU, after I asked about expanding the guidelines of the sub. snoodsispro: Approved

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SHITTY_SKETCH_ARTIST: TIFU: I tried to delete Java over something minor, now nothing works. I deleted it from program files and now I can't reinstall or remove it via add/remove programs. jaredcheeda: 1. Subscribe to [/r/24hoursupport](/r/24hoursupport) 2. Download [JavaRa](http://singularlabs.com/software/javara/) 3. Click "Remove Older Versions" > Yes 4. Click "Additional Tasks" 5. Check the box for the following: * Remove Usless JRE Files * Remove Startup Entry * Remove Sun Download Manager * Remove Java IE BHO * Remove Java Console Extension 6. Click "Go" and then OK a bunch. 7. Click Search for Updates. Try Update using JUCHECK.EXE 8. If that doesn't work close JavaRa, go to [java.com](http://java.com) in Internet Explorer, click the big button, download and run the installer. 9. Once it's installed, go in to each of your other browsers and do step 8 again, just do IE first, and DO NOT skip IE. SexArson: Fantastic - I wish i'd known about JavaRA before today.

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Admiral_Fancypants: TIFU - drove car into bricks surrounding Sonic order sign Didn't realize that I had my wheel turned, and when I tried to pull out of the spot swerved into the bricks and heard scraping. I feel like an idiot. Chuckgofer: Why would you go to sonic? Thats the TIFU part fistymcbuttpuncher: You better check yo'self before you patronize a lessor food establishment. Sonic is awesome. Chuckgofer: First time I went I got tater tots with chili and a band aid. Never went back. siegewolf: Sonic is awesome. Don't blame the chain for bad employees. Chuckgofer: Also their Onion rings taste like lucky charms. This is not what onion rings are supposed to taste like siegewolf: Again, dunno where your ate, but it sure wasn't a normal sonic.

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IFeastOnYerDownvotes: TIFU: I Caught the Oatmeal I Was Trying to Microwave on Fire I was making oatmeal and I didn't use water. Popped it in the microwave for a minute. I turned around, went to the TV, and started watching an episode of Doctor Who. Next thing I knew, I smelled something burning, so I looked at the microwave and it was a total "*Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!*" moment. Surprise! Oatmeal was on fire! The microwave finally stopped and the ashes of my last packet of oatmeal were sitting in a fire-proof bowl. everything_is_pandas: Your burnt offering pleases the Microwave God. IFeastOnYerDownvotes: What about the Oatmeal God? I have no more oatmeal, and I have the feeling that he will be VERY upset. everything_is_pandas: Hmmm...Best to offer him the heart of a bowl of porridge, just to be on the safe side. IFeastOnYerDownvotes: I'll be off, then.

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[deleted]: Missed job orientation, got lost for 2 hours, peed my pants, and locked myself out of my house. rya11111: Removed for breaking rule 1. Start the post title with TIFU. Please reubmit. Thanks! wabbajack984: Could you post on the sidebar about the title I didn't realize it had to be the title the side bar just said start out all posts with TIFU rya11111: I will make the change. Please resubmit after looking at the other posts in this subreddit. thanks. wabbajack984: Thank you and I just resubmitted with the right title.

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wabbajack984: TIFU Missed job orientation, got lost, peed pants, got locked out. Update at the bottom. TIFU Well lets see this is the first time I ever had a job, I was to go to a job orientation at 5:30 today at a store I have never been to. I left at 4 because I wanted to show up on time and since I didn't know the area thinking I would have plenty of time to find the store. Well I hit the main road and it is a complete stand still, I moved roughly 10 feet in 10 minutes and this was only a mile from my house! Well I decided to take another route since this one was clogged up this is the first time I got lost because instead of using my brain to get me to a new street (that was very close and not hard to get to) I used the GPS, I drove around for 20 minutes trying to find the road. When I got on the right road I made some decent time until I was stuck in a line of cars for 30 minutes waiting for one light 5 miles ahead. To make this short I show up 30 minutes late and have to reschedule for tomorrow at the same time. Driving home I got lost for an hour because I used an off ramp a mile ahead of the one I needed. When I get home I'm upset and tired so I order a pizza, only then did I notice I lost my keys after searching I found them in the lock of the front door. When I got back home and tried to let myself in the house the lock wouldn't move, so I'm standing there with a pizza trying to force the lock open. At this point I was just so tired of this day I wanted it to end. After 10 minutes of trying the keys and checking for open windows I go back and try the keys and they finally worked, a small victory for me. Well driving around all day I never got a chance to go to the bathroom so I went, when I was finished I was putting it away zipping up my pants when my bladder decided it wasn't done. So yea that was my day Sorry for the wall of text. Oh it also took me 10 tries to prove I was human in posting this. And forgot to put TIFU in the title thought it could go in the text lol. **UPDATE**: Well I just got back from the orientation I left 1 hour earlier than yesterday incase there was traffic because I was NOT going to be late again, I was was over 2 hours early. So I sat in my car that had only enough gas to get me home so I couldn't go drive anywhere and have fun, oh and I forgot to mention it was really hot and I could only walk around the store so many times. I did luck out by brining my brothers Nintendo DS that had a pokemon game in it that was awesome. Orientation was fine nothing to exciting, driving back I only got lost once. All right this was a pretty good day I'm thinking when I get home heating up some food about to get on reddit and relax when I heard something by my door, I open it to find I left my keys there AGAIN! and someone was trying to take them, luckily my door hates my key and doesn't always work so she ran away and I got my keys! Nightshade3312: It sounds like with the traffic in your town you would have just been better off walking down the side of the highway... wabbajack984: I thought about leaving the car and just walking there but then I remembered cars cost money. Nightshade3312: Hah, if its within a couple of miles I would walk if I were you, good luck though, I was late once for an interview, then comes that feeling when a potential employer makes you feel like an asshole for circumstances you can't control. Let us know how it goes, if he doesn't consider you for being late today reddit will get together and kill him. wabbajack984: That would be pretty funny to see reddit come together as one like that. It was maybe 20 30 miles so I couldn't walk, and the person was nice about it she understood I couldn't control the traffic so nothing bad there. Nightshade3312: Thats always a plus, I'm almost always late to first meetings no matter how early I leave, apparently I'm pretty sure I am the only one that has this problem. Or so I'm told by my elders because they think they are perfect. Can't wait until I hold some sort of power over someone so I could specifically use that chance NOT to be an asshole haha.

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rainbowdash64: TIFU: Lost all my money betting on a horse with a gambler, tripped over guy in a wheelchair, locked myself out of the house. Went to my very first race today and bet on horse 2 for show, and 4 for the win, both odds were not with me so someone made a side bet with me for the winnings, my jorse came in second so I lost everything. As I left a guy in a wheelchair went by me with his wife, I was walking so close to him I tripped over the wheel and lost my shoe, he swore in some language I didn't know then flipped me off. I finnaly got home and remembered I left my keys in my Mom's car and she was gone, so we were locked out for an hour. I still have not heard the end of It since the door opened. FML chaneen: I hope your night is better than your day :) rainbowdash64: I do tend to be a night owl for that reason.

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valueraise: TIFU: I bought Minecraft. My computer can't run it. Well, yup. Omegaexcellens: How is it not running? Do you have the first computer ever built? valueraise: It does run, but it is the bare minimum of running, I believe I get somewhere around 0,2 FPS. Omegaexcellens: ouch. sry bout that. that sucks.

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Knitler: Tifu: I (guy) told my best friend (lesbian) that I love her We have been best friends, she's basically my only friend, for years and today I just couldn't stand hiding it anymore so I told her how I felt. I know that she didn't and won't ever feel the same but I just couldn't keep holding it in. All that she told me was that she thinks we should probably not hang out anymore since it wasn't good for me emotionally. So here I am, with reddit being the only ones to talk to since I'm not close friends to anyone else IRL to talk to. dmuns: What do you normally do for a good time? What do you do for fun? Knitler: reddit or watch NHK/BBC. I don't like going in public places alone, I'm not a social person. LaPetiteM0rt: You sound like me :) If you're ever in Canada, we should hang out and say socially awkward things to each other. Rivfader: "So, uh, it sure is weather out there." "Uh... yep." Sparky678348: >"So, uh, it sure is weather out there, ay?" "Uh... yep, ay." FTFY logicalrationaltruth: ay?? IT'S *EH*! Vefantur: So it's EH, eh?

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pyroarson: TIFU: Caused a "forest" fire. To be perfectly honest, it was an accident. My friend and I found a propane torch and started fooling around with it. Unfortunately, we were in a field full of dry grass and dead trees. When we lit a fallen branch, the wind blew flaming pieces of it into the grass, and all hell broke loose. My friend quickly rushed to find a container for us to be able to carry water from a nearby pond, but our efforts were futile. We had no choice but to dial 911. The fire kept spreading outwards and took out a fairly large amount of the field. I take full responsibility for the fire, and have no one to blame but myself. We did not tell the fire crew who started the fire, and they did not ask. In the end, everything turned out alright, except I have burn holes in my sweater now and the grassy field is covered with soot. edit: Just to clarify, the firefighters treated it like a joke, so obviously it was not too serious. I mean, they came with modified water guns and were even laughing and shooting water at each other. One guy even brought just a plain, old bucket. All was shits and giggles. UselessRedditor: Was this in Florida, by chance? pyroarson: No, this was in Canada. UselessRedditor: I see forests are downvoting you, also you should really own up to it pyroarson: I really suspect that the firefighters knew it was me, but didn't care as there was no real damage. They just treated it like a practice drill. UselessRedditor: You should still own up to it, if you can DocWattz: That's the dumbest thing I've ever... wait, just read username.

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JeanCreamer: TIFU: Late for work, shit pants, puked on crotch. So...perdy good day. Yesterday I decided why not have a party. People started showing up around 9 and we proceeded to get good and hammered. My friend brought a bottle of Belvedere, I had gotten a bottle of Ron Diaz, many potables were imbibed. So, fast forward to that terrible feeling in the morning when you know you're late. 9:45. Im supposed to be there to open at 8. Cant find keys. Still drunk. So i zip over to the store, have another manager meet me there with some extra keys and proceed to walk in the store. I make it, barely, to the girls bathroom before i puke violently, over and over. Now as im puking, I start to get this urge to shit. It gets worse and worse until, yep, im shitting my pants. Every time i heave, i shit a little. The pressure of voiding my stomach contents is making me. I think, I cant shit my pants. I just cant. So i do a quick switch. I hop on the pot and try to shit as fast as possible. Not fast enough. I have to puke. I try to hold it. Nope. So I go ahead and continue shitting and puking into my lap, all over my junk. Done shitting, still puking, right on my shit now as I didnt have time to flush. Finally my body is finished purging foul things and i collapse on the dirty girls bathroom floor, covered in shit and reeking of puke. Then I had to open the store and work for 9 hours in shitty boxers. Fun day. NataliePortLAN: Holy. Shit. 1unacy: ...I see what you did there...

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WitherSlick: TIFU:I accidentally told a 5 year old girl to take her shirt off. I was cleaning the yard shirtless, and I'm around 16. Their were various small children playing, and most were boys. I hear "Why does he have his shirt off" and I said "Why don't you have your shirt off?" thinking it was a boy. It wasn't. wheresmyhouse: I didn't even realize this was an issue. My little sister used to run around shirtless all the time when she was maybe 3 or 4. iddothat: It's different with your siblings in the house. If its another child you might be labeled as a pervert. Someone convinced my little sister to show her junk the other day, that's not okay, even though she's naked all the time in the house wheresmyhouse: But junk is a different issue entirely. [deleted]: Yeah you don't want anyone seeing that old car you stopped using years ago. Thats a whole nother story wheresmyhouse: I'll have you know I love my old car, which is still my car, and I still use. http://i.imgur.com/bVcSw.jpg optimusprime911: Dude, that car is boss! Old cars rule. What's the year, make and model? wheresmyhouse: 1975 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu Classic optimusprime911: Nice! I almost bought a '73 Malibu, but it sold before I could get to it. It all worked out though, and I love my '76 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale, lol. wheresmyhouse: Wait, are you [this guy?](http://i.imgur.com/ERVgr.jpg) optimusprime911: Lol, nope. [I'm this guy.](http://imgur.com/xPuP1)

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ConfidentCoward: TIFU: Wimped out of making a move on the girl of my dreams We were seeing a movie together with a mutual friend, and we sat next to each other and were sorta flirting the entire time, and I wanted to do something, but I never brought up the courage to do it. And I rarely get a chance to see this girl, so I have no idea when I'll get another oppurtunity. Fuck. [deleted]: Dude, don't do it. It'll suck later on. If you really love her, she'll be worth the wait. I mean if like marraige. If you just want sex, then go ahead. [deleted]: Screw you for downvoting me. That's good advice. Anonymonkey: Probably not your advice being downvoted, dude . . .

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Monya619: TIFU: i have i have burnt MR.noodles. Now if you you don't know what MR.noodles are there essentially ramen/noodles with broth all what you have to do is boil water put the mr.noodles and flavoring in the water for about 10 minutes... and this is how it happend. im on the couch watching game of thrones of course when i become hungry so i grab some mr.noodles and put on the stove to boil seing that the episode of game of thrones has finished i go take a nap about an hour later i wake up to my fire alarm going off boiling water everywhere and burnt mr.noodles... when i mean burnt i mean BURNT reddit i have failed the easiest of tasks Xemeriba: **Looks at grammar and spelling** I don't think the noodles were your biggest fuck up :P Monya619: No. No they where not Xemeriba: I feel like you did that on purpose. > where Monya619: But i did.

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[deleted]: TIFU got drunk, told the guy who flew me across the country to visit that he is 2nd to my ex. Basically what the title says. I went out drinking with someone who flew me across the country to see him after he's talked for months about how he'd love to have a relationship with me. Drinking makes me super truthful but it's usually not something that's a problem because I usually don't have much to hide. But I hadn't drank for months, and it was on an empty stomach. I sat there and told him all about how great I think my ex is and how this guy I was visiting was only second place and about how my ex won't ever take me back. And when he tried to get me to tell him how I felt about him other than that I refused to tell him because "it's a secret" Supppperrr awkward and yeah....I feel terrible and dumb and I don't know how to fix that. Tl;Dr: The title sums it up. AwwFapWTF: pay the fare, gtfo. you shouldn't have accepted the invitation and let the guy pay for it while you had such feelings about the ex and the prospective new guy. sorry for the bluntness, but women like you are the reason why fewer and fewer guys act romantically lately. Tzket: This is why you should never trust a woman.. *puts on rain jacket* . . I'm ready for the down votes. GUYS you know it's true. orbat: I know you're full of shit. I've had many more male "friends" fuck me over than female ones. Baconshapes: This is true. And coming from a male, I can tell you that guys are 10 times more bitchy then girls.

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mastiction: accidentally sent dirty message to the girl i like TheKryce: Wow, that is bad. What dif she answer ? SukaPahpah: I wish to know as well. Come on OP!

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shmiz: TIFU: I accidentally solicited a prostitute and enraged a pimp. Last night I started to get those fourth meal hunger pangs and decided to (somewhat drunkenly) drive to the nearby T-Bell. I live in a pretty shady part of NE Portland. As I pulled up to the intersection of my residential street and 82nd (a busy street), I noticed I pulled too far forward for this woman to cross the street. So, being the gentleman that I am, I backed up a bit to give her space and waved her on. Big mistake. Next thing I know she is opening the passenger door saying "Wassup baby?". I panic, shout "NO MONEY!", and hit the gas. As I'm driving away with my passenger door flapping too and fro, I see a guy trying to catch up to me (presumably her pimp). This happened ON MY STREET. Now I don't drive at night on my street. Wonderful. But, I did get my tacos. They were delicioso. Edit: I don't understand all these down votes for driving buzzed. Isn't doing stupid shit the point of "TIFU"? I never said it was a good idea, my admission to fucking up is right there in the title! tl;dr - I almost got the wrong kind of taco during my fourth meal outing. vegibowl: Lesson: don't drink and drive. Dumbass. shmiz: Welp, you pretty much totally missed the point of the story. Doesn't matter whether you're drunk or not if you're driving at night in a high-crime neighborhood. Plus, I wasn't drunk. I was *somewhat* drunk, can'tyaread? vegibowl: Yeah, my brother's been in prison for twenty years for killing someone's mom while "somewhat" drunk. Good luck with that. shmiz: But in all seriousness, I had one mother-loving-beer. The detail was added because I mentioned fourth meal and thought it pertinent. I don't drive drunk, and if you think one beer is driving drunk, then go ahead and cuff me. edit: grammar nwbenj: If you didn't want people to think you were drunk, you probably shouldn't have said you were somewhat drunk. Southbayblog: There are levels of drunk. Not the same. I'm not going to fault OP as I have driven drunk before. Many people have, and though we can reduce drunk driving we can't eliminate it. It's an unfortunate reality of life, and it's more that tragic when good people are killed. But again, no one is in control of what others in general do.

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[deleted]: In Front of Friend's Grandparents: Played Porn rya11111: removed for breaking rule 1. Please read sidebar before submitting and resubmit :) delofan: Forgive me, somewhat new to actual posting. If it was removed, why is it still here? And i did try to resubmit, giving me a timer to post again. Cheers rya11111: Its not in the subreddit but in the spam queue, that's why only you and the other mods can see this. Just wait till the timer finishes and re post! ... Always read the sidebar before posting in any subreddit. Thnx! delofan: Will attempting to resubmit every few min reset the timer? rya11111: you can only submit a preset number of links continuously. after that you have to wait for sometime and then again reddit allows you to submit a number of links continuously ...

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FireTeam-Violet: Blood... Blood every where... rya11111: removed for breaking rule 1. Please read sidebar before submitting and resubmit. Thanks! :) FireTeam-Violet: Ehhh... To lazy to do it, and not worth it cuz all I get is downvotes, who cares anymore? ಥ_ಥ rya11111: ಠ\_ಠ ... Hey .. don't worry its only been one month ... I din't start commenting till one year after i made my account. And karma really doesn't mean anything ... If you wanna make good comments .. just think a little bit before commenting .. FireTeam-Violet: Okay, thank you :)

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delofan: TIFU: In Front of Friend's Grandparents: Played Porn I went over to my friend's grandparent's house for an hour or so. We were just in the sun room, her poppop was reading the paper in the same room, and her mommom was in the adjacent room, on the computer. No TV on, just very quiet. We were trying to entertain ourselves with our iPods... And I knew I should close all of my browser windows before letting her have my iPod. What I SHOULD have done before that: Mute the volume. I did not. Safari started to continue playing the porn video I was watching last night. I realized this, and snatched the iPod as close to my body, trying to cover the speaker and at the same time turn down the volume. My face went BEET red I'm SURE. All of this did not prevent at least 2 lustful grunts/moans of passion to be heard. Horrified. I was horrified. After what seemed like a year, my friend said "I swear sometimes your iPod is demented!" ... I couldnt muster more than a "yeah" Later, in a room without her grandparents, she said "Was that...?" I quickly said "No." Her: "What was it then? Dogs?" Me: "Yes. Dogs panting. It was a cute video I was looking at last night." TL;DR: Forgot to close porn from last night, and to mute volume, so safari moaned and grunted in friend's grandparent's dead-silent house. EDIT: Spacing looks better. rya11111: She knew. delofan: She is very... Um... sexually ignorant though. So I think she suspects, but I don't know for sure. She wasn't joking about the dog though... I think I made it sound like she was joking, but it wasn't like that at the time.

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[deleted]: TIFU: I drunkenly texted my fuck buddy who I'm crazy about that he resembles Richard Karn In my defense, he kind of does. Full beard, frequent flannel wearer. But I know he was't happy about it. I mean who would be? Now he either doesn't reply to texts or his replies are super short. Go me! baitingforyears: Just tell him you always had a crush on Al when you were older. If he doesn't care, then his loss. Not many guys can keep a fuck-buddy without falling for her or her falling for him. So if he wants to keep up the easy life, then he will come around. Also, IMO play hard to get. He stop texting you? Stop texting his ass. Guys hate when they don't get attention (just as much as girls). Finally, it's all about 'hand' like in Seinfeld. Right now he has hand, but IMO its not that much. It's like 60-40 him, but unless he is RPG he isn't finding many girls like you so don't worry. Rivfader: >when you were older. You might also have to explain the reverse-aging. Breadness: BENJAMIN BUTTON THAT SHIT

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Alice_Lane: TIFU: Lost my keys and cell phone in a grocery store So, I took my friend and her mom to the store because they needed food but they don't have a car. She lives out of town, about an hour and half where I live. Anyways, we were at the store and I noticed: I didn't have my cell phone or keys. I had gotten off the phone with my mom 30 minutes previously so I know I had that in the store, and I was pretty sure my keys were with me also. We looked for a few hours, retracing our steps exactly, asking at the service desk, and searching both my car and the parking lot with no luck. The keys go to my car, which is our ride home. They also are to my house. The phone is a smart phone, with all my contact information in it, and the phone I put down on my job applications. We never found either. I ended up having to call my mom to drive an hour and a half to give me a spare set of keys. She has to work in the morning, and still drive back. She should be home by now, but, she'll be crabby tomorrow I'm sure. hellothisisusername: sounds a little phone-key if you ask me. Alice_Lane: Hahaha clever :p Still haven't found them. Just called.. I'm beginning to think they were stolen. embryonicrusadah: you should be able to track your phone somehow Alice_Lane: We went to the verizon store yesterday, they said they were unable to because I didn't have it insured. :/ We bought a new one now, but it's kind of ridiculous there's no way to find out where my phone is because we didn't want to pay an extra $7 a month for phone insurance.

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[deleted]: TIFU by Kissing the girl my friend liked... In front of him ([near]Instant Karma occurred) I got the bright idea of kissing the girl my friend liked while (we thought) he was asleep. Much to our dismay, he was still awake and moments later was up and about. After she left, needless to say, he was pissed at us both. Not 5 hours later after he wasn't so mad, I was up on a ladder helping fix a basketball hoop and the ladder collapsed under me. Couldn't breath, couldn't move, and still hurts to much to be able to just get a glass of water and pain killer. keith_weaver: Instant Karma is better than slow roasted karma. Get it done and out of the way. My friend was obsessed with a girl he was making inroads with, and he was also making fun of me because I lost my nerve about talking to a girl that I liked. He clowned me relentlessly in front of our friends. To get back at him I made a play on this girl. Successfully so. I never told him or any of our friends and he never found out. My joy at the time was when he would say 'I had no game' I knew I was on/in every inch of the girl he wanted more than anything. But 20 years on it still bothers me that I did it. I await karmic retribution. Needmofunneh: That is AWESOME payback, but I agree it is nice that it is over... it would have ruined our friendship, and he is my best friend. keith_weaver: I guess a rule to go by; If she is the one, persue it, but otherwise it is not worth doing that to a friend.

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bathedinsanely: TIFU. Dutch-ovened myself, puked. Last night, I decided to go out for ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant, but my stomach hasn't been acting up lately, so I thought I'd have a treat. I had a cone and I felt fine, other than a little rumbling in my stomach before bed. That night, I had a strange dream, where I was being chased by a monster through a jungle. I kept running, and pulling down leaves, in hopes that I'd trip up the beast. I could feel it getting closer, and I found myself being overcome by waves of nausea as its rancid breath washed over me. I shrieked, as my leg caught on a vine and I went sprawling across the jungle floor, the beast's breath filling my lungs and making me cough and choke... And then I woke up, still coughing, and realized that I'd pulled all of my blankets over my head, trapping in a night's worth of half-digested milkfarts. The smell was so powerful that I barfed in my mouth, splattering specks of puke willy-nilly as I wrestled my way out of the stanky blankies. Then I took a shower and did one of those things where you slide down the wall and cry, as the realization that I farted so bad that it gave me a nightmare fully sank in. TL;DR - Dutch ovened myself, barfed. I'm also probably never going to go to the jungle or eat ice cream again. hardaysknight: Oh come on, who doesn't like their own brand? zuzah: Sometimes... Once in a blue moon... Your farts are so horrible that even you can't stand them. I have bad stomach acid/acid reflux, and it gives me horrendous farts that are every 20-30 seconds. After a day of lying in bed/relaxing in my house, nobody can enter any room I've been in without thinking something died in there. kingdavecako: Note to self: Don't get stuck in a broken elevator with zuzah. zuzah: :( I'm great company Vexxxi: When you haven't been eating ice cream. zuzah: I'm not lactose intolerant, thank god. The inability to eat ice cream and chocolate would be a crippling disease. Vexxxi: Don't worry. I think it would be for most people.

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kwokjoel: TIFU: I texted my girl best friend that I loved her instead of my gf. Now she's spamming my inbox on nearly every social network I have. I accidentally pressed on the wrong name (as both if their names start with "Au") and now she's just keep spamming my inboxes with "I Love You <3". FML coffin-dodger: Both of their names start with Au? Aura? Augment? Audacity? Autozone? I seriously cant think of any girl names that start with Au, let alone 2. [deleted]: Audrey. That's all I can think of. DracoExpolire: Audrey and Auburn Zamiel: Aubrey. babaladonk: Aurora. Auberta. Auberte. Aubin. Aubina. Aubine. Aubra. autoNFA: Austin (apparently girls can have this name, surprised me), Autumn babaladonk: Austism. PointingOutYourError: >Autism. FTFY. Also, still not a real name. babaladonk: It would be better if your novelty account was RuiningYourJoke :)

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notaneggspert: TIFU by locking my keys in my car at a car show Got locked out of my car for over an hour at a car show, happened to have a cloths hanger and pliers on me but decided not to try braking into my own car in front of hundreds of other car enthusiast and waited for AAA. Once the guy was there he wedged the door and unlocked the car in less then a minute and was gone with out anyone really noticing. All in all it wasn't that bad but damn embarrassing to do it there in front of my friends. Nightshade3312: What car do you have? (BTW) always have a spare key somewhere. notaneggspert: 2009 Mazda 3 The wireless entry fob died (changed battery and still dead, tested with a volt meter and some circuit inside is cooked) so I'm left with the one and only key to my car. To get a second one made is upwards of $100 since it has to be cut and programmed through the ECU by Mazda and you have to hand the car over for a day. I just haven't wanted to give the time/money up for a second key. With Ford/Mazda you need at least 2 keys to program your own without going into the cars computer. So DIY is out. Nightshade3312: Thats why I love old cars, I can get a spare made by a hardware store if I need one, plus its easy as hell to work on. I drive a 1985 Chevy Citation X-11, minimal computer control = less speed but more fun. notaneggspert: This is why I wanted to get a 5.0L foxbody (My dream American classic would be a 68 fastback but not the easiest thing to find, afford, or work on in school) but couldn't find any in decent condition at a reasonable price. Needed a reliable DD that I could drive year round and insure. So I got my 4 door, 2.0L, naturally aspirated Mazda. Nightshade3312: Yeah I can understand, the Citation was my first car (had no clue it existed until I saw it on the side of the road, haha) and I was terrified after I restored it at my garage for $5,000 worth of parts + paint (I did everything except for spray the paint). I hated using that as a daily driver, until my uncle gave me his 98 cavalier. Best part about that deal is: crashed the 98 in a snowstorm 4 months later and NOT the citation. I have never been happier about a car accident than that moment after I figured out that everyone was ok.

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anakshot369: TIFU: Drove off with a gas pump still in my car. I will be expecting a fine. Other than that, A GOOD DAY. (btw, first post) lizzyrobina: how can you even do that??? where I live they pump has to be on the hook before you pay, i know this because once i didn't put it properly back on the hook so it didn't go through the computer and they made me put it on the hook properly. But still this is funny as, I would want security video footage if I were you lol anakshot369: I just wanted to get a drink from the store. Got in the car, spaced, and drove off. I knew the guy at the pump and he said it wasn't a big deal and the fine will most likely be labor for putting it back on. I do not like making mistakes and get worked up when I do. Posting this made me feel better. Thanks guys. lizzyrobina: Oh that is too funny. I would have been too embarrassed to go back into the store

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Pawtahmoose: TIFU-Not so bad, but still feel dumb * Was trying to figure out why my computer was not reading my phone when it was plugged in * Found the problem, looked at the time, realized I had five minutes to catch the bus for class. * Realized I forgot my metrocard *EDIT: Realized I forgot my headphones...now I can't listen to the files I transferred from my computer to my phone...and figuring out why the files weren't transferring was the reason why I forgot my metrocard, ID, and keys. * Get to school, realize I forgot my ID * time to go home, realize I forgot my keys. Thank god my sister was home...with her boyfriend * Time for work, get on the highway, didn't change lanes quickly enough, ended up 50 blocks from my job taking another exit * Realize I have less than 1/4 tank of gas * Fuck it, let's get some gas. Traffic. * Get to work 20 minutes late * Time to go home, pull out of parking spot, look at mirror, apparently didn't SEE A CAR COMING and almost caused an accident. The car behind me blared its horn for a minute straight. * Get home, find out I got a C on an open-book exam. Just one of those days... Baconshapes: Fuck bro. With a day like that i'm surprised you didn't just lose the will to live right then and there.. Pawtahmoose: it could have been much worse! Baconshapes: How exactly? That is some life changing shit. Pawtahmoose: I appreciate your sarcasm, dear Baconshapes. Baconshapes: This is one of those moments when sarcasm is misinterpreted because we can only communicate via text.. I'm serious bro. Dead fucking serious. I don't think I could handle that shit. Pawtahmoose: Not sure if... fuck. Baconshapes: [Dead.](http://ocobiega.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Poker_FaceCzyste.png) [Fucking.](http://media.moddb.com/images/members/1/288/287053/poker_face_kindle-337x450.png) [Serious.](http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/replicate/EXID43585/images/gaga_lady-1\(3\).jpg) Vefantur: Damn, that's serious. Baconshapes: [Almost to serious...](http://small-business-phones.info/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Why_So_Serious__wallpaper_by_FreddyJasonV.jpg)

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Baconshapes: How I see everyone who posts on this subreddit. rya11111: Removed. Not a TIFU post. Baconshapes: You fiend... How about write some rules and this sort of thing wouldn't happen... rya11111: Its written in the sidebar ... Baconshapes: It only says all posts have to start with "TIFU" I didn't think it applied here... rya11111: this sub is for posting real life stories of how we fuck up ourselves .. not memes or pics or anything else .. guess we have to make the sidebar clearer .. ಠ\_ಠ Baconshapes: I guess you do.

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cheeeebs: TIFU fell asleep on couch with sweatpants, woke with obvious boner, next to brothers girlfriend and family Reclining chair/couch... Dozed off, on back, knees bent... Had weird sexual dreams... Woke up with boner, boner is fierce, and right in the middle of the crotch of my sweatpants, knees still bent. My younger brothers girlfriend and family had shown up while I was sleeping, as well as my parents, all hanging out around me. Me in late 20's, long full beard, known for trees. brother 10 years younger, girlfriend and family conservative. Not sure how long this was going on for. Not sure where my hands were whilest sleeping. Due to sleeping position and sweatpants, boner was extremely obvious. cheeeebs: Worst part is my brother's girlfriend is really sweet and attractive and was sitting right next to me. Poor girl lol. Neebat: Could be worse: Wet dream. nuxenolith: Could be even worse: It was about her, and OP talks in his sleep. jcemitte: OP this ain't shit. I had a party a few years ago and one of my buddies passed out on the floor and sometime during the night had slide his pants down past his member and when the girls started to wake up he had cock in hand with a raging hard on and a shit eating grin on his face. everybody there saw it including me... you got off lucky :) nomogoodnames: Sometimes I fall asleep in class and when I wake up and everyone is quiet I am worried I might have farted while I was sleeping. I never know! MmmmmCookieees: I can't stop laughing at this... xD

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SRotD: Congratulations, /r/tifu! You're the Subreddit of the Day for April 10, 2012! [Link!](http://www.reddit.com/r/subredditoftheday) Ratman0410: Is it a bad omen for this to happen on my birthday? :( myprettyeyelASHes: Ahh its my birthday too! Happy Birthday! :) Ratman0410: Happy birthday to you too!

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nicolenyan: TIFU - Stereotyped I recently got a new job, and have had difficulty learning people's names (we wear name tags, but you can't always see them). All day I had heard people calling our black manager "Shaniqua." I had a question about something, so I approached her and called by this supposed name. She quickly corrected me and said her name is Shamika... nicolenyan: Luckily, she wasn't upset at all. She just looked disappointed, like this had happened before Mr_Slippery: Do a good job for a few weeks, never repeat the error again, and it'll be forgotten. Still pretty funny though.

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MSciCSI: TIFU: Drove a motorcycle for the first time today. Crashed a motorcycle for the first time today. The trust between my friend and I has grown over the time we have known each other. He rides a motorcycle, I drive a car. I had never driven a motorcycle. I made a bet that I could set off on his motorcycle without any kind of stalling on my first attempt since my knowledge of clutch control was so good from my experience driving, he trusted me and agreed. I was right, I set off on the bike in first gear without a hitch and drove along 20 feet, I was rather proud of myself. What I didn't do was think about what I would do after. I locked the front wheel braking and lowsided. Total repair bill $400. SC33: Did you at least take it off any sweet jumps? Twatless: you got like 3 feet of air that time

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Tylerdeedot: TIFU I cooked my ramen in the microwave, and forgot to put in water. (this is the 2nd time this has happened) OH GOD THE SMELL. i wish i could blame this on being high, or fucked up, but i was sober as.. an ox(?) when i did this. i put two ramen squares in a bowl, popped it in the microwave and timed it for 5 minutes. i sat down on the couch to watch an Office re-run, and my smoke alarm began to shriek. i leaped into the kitchen and all i could say was, "jesus not again, no no no no etc." luckily since i've actually had experience fucking up in EXACTLY this way before, i knew to hold my breath before i opened the microwave. i grabbed the bowl of flaming ramen noodles and chucked it out in the frontyard. but it was too late. my entire home smells like some sort of toxic/chemical bomb of cheap noodle nastiness. i am ashamed, and worried that i may in fact be losing my mind. also, i'm in desperate need of a new microwave.. and i'm extremely hungry. Elitist_Circle_Jerk: Quit being so damn lazy and do it on the stove. Takes 3 min cook time, 1 min boil time, 1 min prep. So you're saving yourself no time by stinking up the microwave. TacoDiablo: >1 minute boil time Shit, your stove boils water fast. It always takes me longer to boil water, even when I put it on highest setting. Elitist_Circle_Jerk: I got gas at my house maybe that's why Here's something stupid I just thought of: microwave the water first. Nevermind, the smartest thing I can do is leave the cooking to my wife. And yes, I did just refer to making ramen as cooking. Carnephex: Dude, I feel the same way. My other half can fuck up a premade frozen burger patty, magically turning it into a hockey puck. She does put a smiley face in mustard on it though.

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[deleted]: TIFU by covering the inside of my new shirt with toothpaste I had come home from travelling internationally with new clothes. I stupidly had my deodorant and toothpaste in the same bag and toothpaste got on the bottom of the deodorant. When I put deodorant on while wearing my new shirt, I covered the new shirt's inside with toothpaste. Luckily, it came out quite easily. monkette: what kind of toothpaste do you use? firloop: Some Crest bullshit, I don't know.

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JesusofTorn: TIFU: Tried to show off to some local kids and broke my Land Rover At each crossroad where I live, there's large stone spheres to stop cars coming off the road and into the corners of houses. I decided to drive my Land Rover up one of them to show some kids that my vehicle can actually handle adverse terrain. I crawled up fine but crawling back down the tyre slipped off and to the side, cracking my brake disk, ripping the caliper off it's lower mounting and then going on to put a massive chip in the steering ball joint. Silver lining: the ball joint was fucked anyway, and the brakes on the other side weren't so good so it gave me an excuse to replace the ball joint and both side brakes. Total cost £150 Hefalumpkin: That aint too bad. When it happens it looks terrible like your tire will fold up under the vehicle but its really not a big deal. TheJoel2012: It also looks terrible when you act like a little bitch Hefalumpkin. nomogoodnames: And shouting racial slurs, that also looks bad. TheJoel2012: I'm sorry, I was unaware that "little bitch" was a race. You must be a proud race. Also taking 18 days to attempt at a witty reply, that also looks bad. nomogoodnames: Wow, dude stop being so hostile. I read your comment and thought you were being sarcastic, because I don't see how Hefalumpkin was acting like a little bitch.So I was only contributing to this "sarcasm" by saying it also looks bad if you shout racial slurs, or, for another example, it also looks bad if you walk around covered in blood looking like an axe murderer. It's how reddit works. Everybody has to try and be a wise guy. TheJoel2012: Lol sorry man, I'll give you an upvote. I misunderstood. The reason I was hating on Hefalumpkin is because he keeps following me to all of my comments and trolling on them and downvotes all my submissions and comments. I basically just saw a comment that was talking about racial slurs and thought you were talking about me; my apologies. nomogoodnames: Wow, now that you've put it that way, Hefalumpkin seems like a massive asshole. Quick! Turn the cannons of anger on hefalumpkin! Firefirefire!

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LittleSprout: TIFU by telling my professor (and dissertation advisor) he should be proud of being gay. He was saying that a friend of his suggested he should make an "It Gets Better" video for people in academia. I assumed he meant about being gay, and he was coming out to me for whatever reason, and I said "Oh you really should. It's important for people to hear, etc etc." He explained to me he meant once you get more used to the pressure of publishing papers and things. Miffins123: Nothing worse than an awkward moment with a teacher. Nice one. blueasclepius: I once took a couch out of the principal's meeting room and put it in front of his desk to speak with him. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea, but he sat in stunned silence until I reached his desk, at which point he frowned and said, "put that back! What's wrong with you?" I put it back and struggled not to laugh, seeing as I was called to the office rather than came of my volition. [deleted]: Would've been even better if you had just turned up out of nowhere and announced your needing to talk to him exactly like that.

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GroceryBagSlave: TIFU by dropping my iPod out of the car when I hopped out to pick up a quarter on the sidewalk. There I am, riding shotty in my friend's car, minding my own business, when we stop at a red light. I look to my left and see a sweet-ass quarter right there on the sidewalk. "I've got time," I think. Lightning quick like Raiden I hop out the vehicle, pick up the quarter and dash back into my seat. The light changes just in time and we're off. A few seconds later the music turns off. I reach for my iPod which had been in my lap plugged into the radio thingy, but I can't find it. I trace the cable down to the floor and out the car door. EFFFF! We pull over, I open the door, and the cable is hanging out the car door utterly devoid of my iPod. I hop out and see a few yards behind us my iPod smashed to bits in the middle of the road. tl;dr I hopped out of my friend's car to pick up a quarter off the ground, but when I did my iPod fell out of the car and got run over. TheMeowMeow: I could tell from the first paragraph that this didn't happen in America. MidnightSlinks: But it did? OP posts in the University of Georgia sub. Why would this have been in another country? ldonthaveaname: "I looked left" Usually you don't look left out of the passengers side window... Considering it's on the right in most (all) American cars... MidnightSlinks: Oh good catch! Maybe he/she is abroad this semester?

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Trollemmiwinks: TIFU: Drank regular milk instead of Lactaid milk: shit my pants on my way to work trying to fart I'm lactose intolerant. Like continent of Asia, completely lacking the proper digestive enzymes, diarrhea storm kind of lactose intolerant. I woke up kindof sleepy and hungover and drank some regular skim milk (my roommate's). I usually drink Lactaid milk. I couldn't throw it up and I didn't have any lactaid pills on hand so i just manned up and went with it. So I hopped into my car and felt a little gassy, which I had fully anticipated. I propped up my left butt cheek so that it was slightly facing the driverside window and let er' rip. ... I had to get off the highway and head back to my apartment to grab new pants. Rirak: why do you have milk anyway if you drink lactaid? Trollemmiwinks: I have 2 roommates who aren't lactose intolerant. They think lactaid tastes weird Trollemmiwinks: I edited that part for clarification. I guess it wouldn't make sense for me to buy normal milk when it gives me the shits Rirak: ahh thank you

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Kewl_Beanz9797: TIFU When I dropped my Ipod in milk for the THIRD TIME! ZombieLannister: I flushed my phone down the toilet once. Was taking a pill and it fell out of the pocket of my hoodie right when I was flushing the toilet. Mind you, this was a few years ago, it was a small flip-phone. NeverLucid: Taking a pill and flushing? Or was that a typo for piss...? [deleted]: look how far apart "L" and "S" are on the keyboard. This here's a case of popping while pooping NeverLucid: I couldn't, I'm on my phone and didn't care enough to google a keyboard. I don't use a laptop for much these days... [deleted]: You'd have to google a keyboard? Put your hands on a pretend one, type your name or something then just reach for the 2 letters you're curious about. NeverLucid: Yeah, I don't type properly. Not to say I look down, but I still kinda feel it out the whole time... Keyboarding class was about three years ago, and I use my phone for just about everything... Different keyboard. [deleted]: Type your password then. Surely you have the motions for that memorized! Afterwards your fingers should move on their own.

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ATierney: TIFU put shampoo on my toothbrush and then realized I had toothpaste in my hair. blackbeltninja: calling bullshit on this one! [deleted]: I brush my teeth in the shower to save time in my day, put what I thought was shampoo in my hair and let it sit while I started to brush my teeth with what I thought was toothpaste. blackbeltninja: still not buying that someone can be that unaware of the difference in container size, especially when done on a daily basis. Unless you did out on purpose just so you'd have a shitty story to tell your future children...and I don't condone you to have children if you're really this dumb