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What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass

Take a pitcher, it'll last longer

My daughter told me her ear was bothering her

So I asked if it was ear-itated

What do you call a sleep walking nun

A roamin’ Catholic

True dad encounter at the shops Shop assistant: sir do you have a smaller bill. Dad: no but you can rip that one in half

Drilling for oil

is boring

Made a customer groan tonight. A man and his wife came up to the counter and he placed down a hunting magazine he wanted to buy. She scoffed at it and said at least it isn't a girly magazine. I replied, Well, she is a Fox. She just shook her head and groaned while the husband gave me a silent nod of approval

The cover of the magazine was a fox

Both my ex and I were born in July She said I was a crab

I said she was cancer

I dated a one legged girl who worked at the brewery

She was in charge of the hops

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Me: Wait, I can explain everything

In my opinion more people should write more jokes about frisbee's

Discus

I had a friend who always said

I put the sexy in dyslexic

I finally read that book on clocks

It was about time

Son: Where are my sunglasses. Dad: I don't know. where are my dadglasses

Courtesy of my dad, from just a few minutes ago

Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why

More geese on that side

Wy don't anteaters get sick. Beasuse they are full of anti-bodies

:)

GOAT. So. I asked a goat how she's doing and she said

Mehhhh.

Why did the captain hate his boat's anchor

It was a piece of ship

What did Obama say when Canada's prime minister insults him

Tru tho

My dad was watching a Western and I walked in Me: so Clint Eastwood is in this movie. Dad: Yes. Me: Ah, whats he doing in this movie

Dad: Acting

Son: “I know dad, 6 is afraid cause 7, 8, 9. Haha /s” Dad: “But do you know why 7 ate 9. ” Son:

Dad: “Because you’re supposed to eat 3 square meals a day

HP Dadjoke Imagine if Sirius got married and has a kid and they were arguing and his kid was like 'Are you serious. ' and he's be so torn. What dad joke does he make. 'Why yes I am Sirius' or 'No I'm not serius, I am dad'. Which one. Which one would he make

I found this on the internet today and it was too funny not to share

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit

” He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it

It's half empty

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

I just screamed at a well-bronzed man at the beach

Sorry for going off on a tan gent

While walking through the corn maze today my son got us The three year old was asking him where he was, and the eight year old said- I am standing at the corner. Get it. Corn-er

Little bastard is on point

My neighbor said he's too scared to grow an apple tree

I told him to grow a pear

What did the 0 say to the 10

Where did you find the one

Why are teddy bears never hungry

Because they’re always stuffed

A gravedigger exhumed Beethoven's casket. He opened the lid and there was Ludwig. maddenly erasing sheets of his greatest works. Just as I thought. said the gravedigger

He's decomposing

They say you are what you eat

Can anyone give me a list of foods classified as rich?

Dad joked my girl friend about her Brazilian wax She was talking to me about getting a Brazilian wax done. Her: This place only uses hard wax, which I found interesting. Sometimes they use hard and soft wax too. Me: I guess there is more than one way to skin a cat. I received the best response a dadjoke can get

The Facepalm

What do you call it when your salad is taken over by bread

A crou d'ton

Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant

Because Ken comes in another box

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time. was 19 years ago

*source: dad*

Wife: I haven't seen you use the bathroom all week Me: No shit

I'm constipated

What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe

Roberto

My girlfriend asked me how I slept last night

Lying down with my eyes closed

Dad, are we pyromaniacs

Yes, we arson

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA

My daughter has learnt well My 8 year old came home from school and on the car trip home Daughter: mum I bet I can make you say black Wife: oh really. Daughter: what color is that car Wife: Blue. Daughter: And that tree. Wife: Brown Daughter: told you I could make you say brown Wife: no you said black

I have never been more proud

From another 7 year old; my son laid this one on me last night and I'd never heard it. Why did the cyclops quit teaching

Because he only had one pupil

My brother broke three toes playing soccer. Mom is driving to the hospital and Dad is sitting in the back trying to calm my brother down. Dad: Can't you drive faster

There's trouble afoot

I told my mum about how I fixed my computer

I made my motherboard

The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south

Thank you and goodnight

Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling

His cyst-er

The other day I held the door open for a clown

I thought it was a nice jester

Why doesn't Thor keep his hammer by his chest

Because that's where his thorax is

Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season

They fast during Lent

I rear ended a car with a Jesus bumper sticker on it

I stopped in the name of the Lord

My chiropractor started talking politics today. He was trying to see which way

I was leaning

I was born straight out of Compton

Compton just happens to be my mother's maiden name

What did the horses say when their friend dressed up

You look dashing

Should I tell a chemistry joke

- Na - K

How do you dehydrate your grapes faster

By raisin the roof

A friend of my Father had owed him money for a while He mentioned that because of him he's changed his policy, and always gets paid ahead. A head

And I thought an arm and a leg was bad

On my first day as a pilot, I looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for

” And my copilot responded: “They keep your shirt closed”

What did the horse say when it fell

help I've fallen and I can't giddyup

If you could pay someone with chicken

It would be chicken tender

The reason midget doctors are always angry

Is because they have very little patients

Hear about the disease that wiped out the shellfish beds

It was a clamity

Toasters

Invented popup notification

What were the founding father's favorite cereals

Chex and Balance

Why do birds fly south for the winter

Because it's too far to walk

RIP boiling water

You will be mist

Sister: My ears keep ringing

Dad: Well, why don't you answer them

A bunch of Dads lined up and patiently waited 7 days for a drink

Apparently they're okay with a week punch line

What did the fruit seller do when his grapes dried out

He started raisin his prices

My dad got so mad when the cow crushed his foot and it had to be amputated

He's so lactoes intolerant

What animal is shaped like a square

A squarrel

Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work. http://imgur

com/a/1qKYz

I was fired from the keyboard factory today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Did you know lumberjacks are into classical music

They're really into Chopin

Why was the duck killed and eaten for spying on others. Probably cos it was a

Peking duck

What time does Roger Federer go to bed

Tennish

At my brother's gf's house talking about their recent trip to Malta (they're maltese) the mum: Yeah, it's not like melbourne there, where here you see chinese shops, indian shops, greek shops etc

there, it's all maltese me: oh I dont know, I've found Malta to be very Malta-cultural Noone took notice of it, but my brother looked back at me as if to say you sly dog, you

A future dad in the making (x-post from /r/funny) From the [original post](http://www. reddit. com/r/funny/comments/2yl394/my_3_year_old_made_me_run_up_the_stairs_after/) title: > My 3 year old made me run up the stairs after yelling, Dada. There's a sea of water on the counter. [I see what you did there, kid. ](http://i. imgur. com/cYRVDLb

jpg)

I was shoveling the snow off the driveway with my son today

He said, Dad, can't you just use a shovel

Toilet paper So I was sitting on the couch with my dad, and we are watching a toilet paper commercial, he says which hand do you wipe your ass with I say my right hand he says huh, that's weird, I use toilet paper

*sigh*

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two

One to screw it in most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end

Why did Snoop Dogg bring his umbrella outside

Fo drizzle

a termite walked into a bar and asked

is the bartender here

What is the difference between a cat and a comma. One has claws at the end of its paws

The other is a pause at the end of a clause

Why does Waldo wear stripes

Because he doesn't wanna be spotted

I️ used to work at a calendar factory. I️ got fired because

I️ took a couple days off

Got the server, fiancee groaned Went out for dinner with some friends. They got the table before us, so we join them. Server comes by and says, Oh you have some new faces It's only new to you, I've had this face for a while

Fiancee put her face in her hands and groaned

What do you call a sad coffee

A depresso

Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

Why do Carpenters make good Chiropractors

They already know a lot about lumbar

At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with. Stephen. King’s son,Joe. I’m not

Joking.

I was on a safari in Africa when one of the tourists asked our guide, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs

” He said, “No, they usually come that way

We were watching a documentary on prisons. The documentary mentioned how some inmates try to sneak in cell phones by sticking it up their butt. Without hesitation I responded with I bet you they get crappy reception. then my wife gave out the longest sigh

I think I'm getting the hang of this

Just got my friend with a classic Did you get a haircut. Yeah, well I actually got a whole bunch of them cut

You know I've killed people for less than that

While I was cooking for my kids today, I cut my finger chopping cheese

but I think that I may have grater problems

If the Red Cross did an orchestral fundraising event

They could call it The Big Band Aid

My husband and kids are upset that. I put pepper on their pizza

They really loved that guinea pig.

My dad keeps telling jokes about his eyes

They're getting cornea and cornea

This Happened Today at Dinner \*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag\* Dad: hey do you have a whole butt. Sister: \*blinks\* what. Dad: do you have a whole butt. or do you have a half butt. Sister: uh I am pretty sure a whole butt

Dad: \*points to trashcan\* then why did you half ass the job

I purchased a dog from the blacksmith today

As soon as a got him home he made a bolt for the door

I wasn't sure how to re-build our fence when it started sagging. So

I checked r/dadjokes, to see how other people repost