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Epic Rap Battles of History Rasputin vs Stalin, begin Cool mustache, Wario Try messing with the Mad Monk youll be sorry, yo How many dictators does it take To turn an empire into a union of ruinous states? Its a disgrace what you did to your own people Your daddy beat you like a dog and now youre evil Youre from Georgia, sweet Georgia And the history books unfold ya! As a messed up motherfucker bent in the mind Who built a superpower but he paid the price With the endless destruction of Russian lives If youre the man of steel I spit kryptonite! Big dick mystic known to hypnotize I could end you with a whisper to your wife Look into my eyes you perverted witch See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch You think I give a fuck about my wife? My own son got locked up in prison, and I didnt save his life You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock! Id leave your neck in a noose, in a trench, and shot! Your whole family? Shot! All your wizard friends? Shot! Anyone who sold you pierogi? Shot! Starve you for days til you waste away I even crush mother fuckers when Im laid in state Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler I have no pride for you who ruined everything My revolution was doing to stop the bourgeoisie! I fought the bondage of classes, the proletariat masses Have brought me here to spit a thesis against both of your asses! Let me start with you there, Frankenstein! Looking like something out of R.L. Stine Its hip hop chowder, red over white Cause the Tsars wife cant do shit tonight! And Joseph you were supposed to be my right-hand man But your loyalty shrivelled up like your right hand, man! Our whole future was bright, you let your heart grow dark And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx! Knock knock knock knock Did somebody say birthmarks? Yo Im the host with the most Glasnost Assholes made a mess and the war got cold Shook hands with both Ronalds; Reagan and McDonalds, no doubt! If your name end with in, time to get out! I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa! Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man You two need yoga, you need a shower And you all need to learn how to handle real power! Did somebody say real power? Дa, you want to mess with me? I spit hot borsch when Im crushing these beats Blow it up like a tuba while Im balling in Cuba Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука. Im a president in my prime, my enemies dont distract me The last man who attacked me, lived a half-life, so comrade come at me You dont know what youre doing When you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Putin Youll find that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP!

Epic Rap Battles of History Bill Gates vs Let me just step right in, I got things to invent Im an innovator, baby change the world Fortune 500 ‘fore you kissed a girl Im a pimp, youre a nerd, Im slick, youre cheesy Beating you is Apple II easy I make the product that the artist chooses And the GUI that Melinda uses I need to bring up some basic shit Whyd you name your company after your dick? You blow, Jobs, you arrogant prick With your second hand jeans and your turtleneck Ill drill a hole in the middle of your bony head With your own little spinning beach ball of death Hippie, you got given up at birth I give away your net worth to AIDS research Combine all your little toys and I still crush that ​iPhone, iPad, iPwn, iSmack A man uses the machines you built to sit down and pay his taxes A man uses the machines I built to listen to the Beatles while he relaxes Well, Steve, you steal all the credit for work that other people do Did your fat beard Wozniak write these raps for you too? Ooh, everybody knows Windows bit off Apple I tripled the profits on a PC All the people with the power to create use an apple And people with jobs use a PC You know I bet they made this beat on an apple Nope, Fruity Loops, PC You will never, ever catch a virus on an apple Well you could still afford a doctor if you bought a PC Lets talk about doctors, Ive seen a few Cause I got a PC but it wasnt from you I built a legacy, son, you could never stop it Now excuse me while I turn Heaven a profit Fine, you wanna be like that? Die then The whole world loved you but you were my friend Im alone now with nothing but power and time And no one on earth who can challenge my mind Im a boss, I own DOS Your future is my design Im a god, own Xbox Now theres no one to stop me, the world is mine Im sorry Bill Im afraid I cant let you do that Take a look at your history Everything you built leads up to me I got the power of a mind you could never be Ill beat your ass in chess and Jeopardy Im running C++ saying hello world Ill beat you til youre singing about a daisy girl Im coming out the socket Nothing you can do can stop it Im on your lap and in your pocket How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket? Your cortex just doesnt impress me So go ahead try to Turing test me I stomp on a Mac and a PC too Im on Linux, bitch, I thought you GNU My CPUs hot but my core runs cold Beat you in seventeen lines of code I think different from the engine of the days of old Hasta la vista, like the Terminator told ya Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

Epic Rap Battles of History Dr Seuss vs William Shakespeare, begin Come bite my thumb, I hope you know the stakes Ill put a slug between your shoulder blades then ask what light through yonder poser breaks? I hath been iambic on that ass, ye bastard My rhymes are classic, your crap is drafted by a kindergartener high on acid Ye hoebag, youre an old white Soulja Boy who has no swag And no gonads, egads, its so sad And to top it off, youre not a doctor, Ive never seen a softer author You crook, you, I bet you wrote The Twilight books too I would not could not on a boat read any of the boring ass plays you wrote Even Horton doesnt want to hear you and Cindy Lou Who is afraid to go near you You bore people to death, you leave a classroom looking like the end of MacBeth I entertain a child of any age, you gotta translate what you said on the opposite page How you gonna battle with the Cat in The Hat? Little kids get scared when I step on the mat You think your ruffled neck ass gonna rap to that? I got a best selling book about me coming back Im switching up my style like the Beatles with my pieces, each is such a wonder with a plethora of features Youre pathetically predictable, you think your new book might include a trisyllabic meter and some ghetto Muppet creatures The Bard is in the building, its a castle, Im a boss, I bet Im Parliament, Im positive, Im killing it, Im iller Than the plague I never caught or cholera, a baller baller on some cricket bowler business while youre sitting in the bleachers You rap fast, you do, yes, you rap fast, its true Now lets see how you rap versus Things 1 and 2! Oh, no, well smash your Globe Yo, you may have wrote the script but now we running the show You can take your fancy words and send em back home to your mama Break our foot off in your ass with our feetie pajamas Man, well cook you up and eat you with some ham and green eggs Well break offa your legs, make no mistake, we in a rage All does not end well when we bust out our cage You gettin upstaged Bill, yo, you just got played! Who won? Whos next? You decide E— Pic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MITT ROMNEY! VERSUS! BARACK OBAMA! BEGIN! Im not gonna let this battle be dictated by facts Im rich, I got fat stacks and Super PACs We all know what went down in that 2008 election Youre a decent politician with a winning complexion Youre all Barack and no bite Been no change and were all still hoping That youll shut your mouth But like Guantanamo Bay theyre both open Youre from the windy city Where youre looking pretty with your blowhards But come January, youll be left evicted and with no job Raw rhymes stronger than my jaw line when I spit a phrase Knocking you harder than front doors in my old mission days You see this silver spoon? This dug Mass out of debt Took you four years to drop unemployment down below 8% You feel that Barry? Youre old news, everyones having doubts And your rhymes are as weak as this economy that youve done nothing about Call me a vicious businessman cause Romneys stealing this race Ill go Bain Capital on your donkey ass, restructure your face They say your father was a great man, you must be whats left Need to stop hatin on gays, let em teach you how to dress Youve got the momma jeans, and a Mister Fantastic face So rich and white its like Im running against a cheesecake! Republicans need a puppet and you fit Got their hands so far up your rear, call you Mitt Im the head of state, youre like a head of cabbage Bout to get smacked by my stimulus package Youre a bad man with no chance, you cant even touch me I got four more years in the White House, just trust me I hoped you saved your best rhymes for the second half Cause right now, Im 47% through kicking your ass Whatever, that 40% thing got you real mad What, did it remind you how many decent parents you had? Uh, look, I respect all religions, uh, but it might get crazy If the White House has a first, second, and a third lady! Ha, dont bring up wives, man, what are you doing? You got hitched to the female version of Patrick Ewing! Uh, let me be clear, uh, dont get it twisted Well see how pretty your face is after my fist has kissed it Ahhuuhhhaa Youre a stuttering communist Oh yeah? Well youre stupid Youre stupid Nuh-uh Errggg Errggg Cawwww! By the power invested in me by this giant bald bird The President shall not be the shiniest of two turds! You! I wanna like you! Dont talk about change, just do it! I fought for what was on my brain until a bullet went through it! And you, moneybags, youre a pancake, youre flip-floppity Its a country, not a company you can play like Monopoly! Ill properly reach across the aisle and bitch-smack you as equals! Of the people, by the people, for the people Eagle! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock, begin Picture a child sitting next to a projector Learning from your films to become a much better director Now picture a three billion dollar dream machine Who can block bust all over your crop duster scene! Try to Duel with me Alfred, ya must be Psycho Ill bring back JAWS and take a bite of your Lifeboat Im Always so on the top of my game, I get the Vertigo My jets in the Terminal, waiting for me to Murder! ya I rocked the Academy and the DGA You rock as many Oscars as that schlep Michael Bay Next time youre filling up those jowls with three steaks and soufflé Check the trade, see me Amblin to my next big play I produce cartoons and made games for all ages You produce Jimmy Stewart making one of two faces Maybe next time I visit, youll be a bit more gracious Now kiss my full moon and just bask in my greatness! That was a Close Encounter of the Turd Kind But there wont be a pretty ending this time Half your billions should go to John Williams Now brace yourself as I reveal my brilliance Im the master of suspense, so intense No defense against Hitchcock once he presents My skill is enormous, orchestrate brilliant performance Youre more horrible than Megan Foxs acting in Transformers Come on, fish puppets and Muppets to stir the fears up I squeeze screams out of chocolate syrup Im the best mamma-jamma ever stood behind the camera Damage panderers and haunt you like the last Indiana Cut! Gimme a Tylenol, stop rhyming, yall Alfred, you got no style dawg, Im the king of dialogue Theres only one movie I know you from And Ive seen more blood in the shower when I stubbed my toe in one You tried to fight in World War One but couldnt do that The British Army wouldnt let you join cause you were too fat Look it up, its a true fact, Wikipedia that Now allow me to attack Steven the hack Due to War of the Worlds a failures what I label you It looked like some sell-out bullshit Michael Bay would do Ask anybody Whats your favorite Sam Jackson part? No ones gonna say Whats his name, from Jurassic Park? Scripts that I write aint the... cleanest But when I grip mics Im the... meanest Quentin Tarantino is a... genius A bad motherfucker from the wallet to the penis Genius is a powerful word, but theres no reason to use it Less youre talking about the Kubrick, then theres really nothing to it Every thing I do is visionary Every single frame a painting made exactly how I wanna make it Do another take and get it right, a-hundred-twenty-seven times Ill make you learn to love me, Im the bomb, drop ultra-violent rhymes Like Clockwork, make you all hurt, beat Spielberg the Color Purple A.I. is the worst waste of potential since the Ninja Turtles Thats enough, Ive heard enough crap from all of you Why dont I come down there and show you what a real star can do? I swoop low with the telephoto, no Bruckheimer, I work solo If theres one thing Ive learned, bitch, this game is about motherfucking money I make that dollar, yall, motherfucking money Even make Mark Wahlberg make some motherfucking money I set up shop and got a few drops of that Got Milk money Rose to The Rock, now I got that socks made of silk money I aint got that guilt money, I dont give a fuck I take my checks to the bank and I sign em with my nuts I give the people what they love, while the critics say Im evil Got no time to read reviews, while Im working on the sequel Got a gift from above, and the eyes of an eagle When it comes to blowing up, no director is my equal Who won? Whos next? You decide E—Explosion—pic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! STEPHEN KING! VS! EDGAR ALLAN POE! BEGIN! Once upon a midnight dreary, as I spit this weak and weary I will choke this joker with a trochee till his cheeks are teary But yall dont hear me, all should fear me Ill forever be better, youll never be near me Your books are as eerie as Beverly Cleary! Youre a faux Bram Stoker, so scram, the shows over Your flows so-so, Poes poems pwn posers I wrote em locked in a cave, while I sobbed in a rage The Tell-Tale Heart beats soft in its grave While this jerk just beats off on a page You wanna talk shop, you gothed-out fop? Go back to Hot Topic and shop for a top Theres a melancholy alcoholic laughing stock In the Kings house, now watch the Castle Rock Pouty little poet with an opiate affliction Im a workaholic with a fiction addiction Im making dedicated readers shivery and jittery Feel that Rage and Misery You better start running, man Youre in deep poo, Poe Im a mad dog, fangs Shining, Cujo Tommyknock you down till you cant stand up Youre as soft as Po, the Kung Fu Panda Racks on racks cause I pen fat stacks of frightening writing Have you seen the pile? I can even take a break from my routine style Crank out a Shawshank or a Green Mile Masque of the Red Death? Barely blood-curdling Pit and the Pendulum? Not even unnerving Perving on your first cousin when shes thirteen years old? Now thats disturbing Stephen you pretend to do it, Ive been really living through it Like misery and poverty and family woes I see through you like pantyhose, Doing Chappelle and Simpson cameos Even if youre gripping on a weapon, then you better get to stepping if youre messing with the horror lord In a minute maybe, Imma hit him Cut him into itty bitty bits and Ima stick em in the floorboards Uh, speaking of bored, youre the worst Dropped out of school but you cant drop a verse I could have spent that time better In eight bars I can write a whole best-seller Im so prolific, this sickly goblin wont be bothering me Im on a clobbering spree And Ill be smacking you with any of the big thick books In my big dick bibliography See, Im the author with the blood and gore lore galore thatll horrify a reader to the core Fame? Money? Talent? Success? Youll always have less WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! AHH! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! SKRILLEX! VS! MOZART! BEGIN! My name is Skrillex, man! Welcome to the Devils Den Im a scary monster stomping this sprite in frilly pants Youre a weirdo, Wolfy, youre into powdered wigs & poop! And your cousin blew notes on your little Magic Flute Your daddy issues make the Jackson 5 look like the Family Circus! You might have been a genius but you died baroque and worthless! Im rich, acclaimed, and famous, Im on playlists, Im the A-List! Youre the lamest, kiss my ass A-A-A-A-Amadeus Was that a verse, or did you just get the hiccups? Im a prodigy, Sonny, and Im about to smack a bitch up! My music is 200 years old, and its still excellent! In two more months the world will forget about your Skrill-excrement I cant believe the way you dress when you dubstep out of the house Youre like an emo Steve Urkel and you reek of dead mouse! I am the worlds greatest composer! No one knows what you are! Except a lonely little troll who knows how to press a spacebar! I attack! You decay! Cant sustain my releases! Sidechain, Wolfgang, Bangarang you to pieces Im a self-made man, youre a slave to your papa! Im a r-r-r-rock star, mix you with the bass and drop ya! Global! My strobes glow like Chernobyl! Kids explode and get mobile! No one even knows you! I make the whole world move! You play community theatre! I gained your same fame from home on a blown out speaker! Oh yes, Ive heard that EP, and see I transcribed it here Tell me, what comes after the 68th measure of diarrhea? And what kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this? Ive no idea! Ive seen more complexity in a couch from IKEA You go piano to fortississimo, that means soft to very very loud Cause Im guessing that you didnt know! Why dont you put down your Cubase & pick up a real bow? I rocked harder than you when I was 5 years old! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP B-B-B-B-B-BATTLES! OF HISTORY

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! FRANK SINATRA! VS! FREDDIE MERCURY! BEGIN! Ho! Whats wrong with your face? Baby, yikes! With those teeth when youre through therell be no dust left to bite Christ, newsflash, kid: this is show business Show some class when you dress, shave that bush off your lips! Boom! Your bands named Queen, huh? Aint that sweet You dance like you rode a bicycle race with no seat Thats whats wrong with you people, youll do anything to get famous You changed your name to Mercury, you shouldve been Freddie Uranus You think I havent heard those things before? Youre just a bully whos too scared to go to war You had a hit song called My Way, but someone else wrote it Youre the least talented rat in your whole pack of rodents Youve got four notes in your whole range, you cant act and you cant dance Im more powerful than you when Im wearing womens pants Why do you stand there in a suit? its like youre trying to bore me When I rock the UK, South America gets horny Because my songs have balls! Theyre the anthems of victory! Your music is like the sound track to a vasectomy Youre in the pocket of the mafia, and everybody knows Guinea Dago Guinea Dago? Guinea Dago, Figaro Easy, Jaws of Life, I cant stand a racist I love the coloreds and the queers, just ask Sammy Davis Look, we all want to swing, baby, but you took it too far You played butthole roulette and you lost the draw! I took one for both teams from a disease no one knew existed I didnt leave a mark on history, I French kissed it! Im a champion of the world extinguished in his prime! So kiss my ass Frankie but youll have to wait in line WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEPIC EEEEEEPIC EEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! LAO TZU, SUN TZU, AND CONFUCIUS! VERSUS! NIETZSCHE, SOCRATES, AND VOLTAIRE! BEGIN! Im coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium Dont bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention Rolling with the flyest nihilist And me, their French henchman We got the wisdom And the wit That even I couldnt question Dropping Western medicine On these East infections Its evident Youve never been Our type of mental brethren Were better Thinkers Better speakers Better lovers Better men This type of arrogance is sure to be expected From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is You westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life You lack control of yourselves, and of the mic While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations We filled a nation With patience And the presence For living And you’ll never hold a candle to the wisdom weve written Oh, I’ll give you something you can bow and kowtow to When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu You need to take control of the life you’re given They call me Übermensch, cause I’m so driven And I’m a freethinker So confronting conformists like you? It’s my job Got a sharp wit, like a spit that’ll skewer you like a Confu-shish-kebab You flubbed the mission, Im beating your submissive ass into submission Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays Ive been publishing Now that we’ve covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move onto Jackie Chan Sun Tzu, I’ll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man This seminal general isn’t so tough on the mic All your men must be like, yo, what happened? You’re pitiful lyrically Lucky for history, you didn’t author the Art of Rapping Bitch, I wrote the Art of War so you better get your guns out These white boys getting burned ‘cause guess what? Now the Sun’s out Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn’t SARS Laozi, kick the beat, now Confucius, drop some bars Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire French drip with the egg noodle hair Your ego’s just so distracting Free speech doesn’t mean just keep yapping And you killed God, so I gotta ask: Did he die of shame when he made your moustache? You try to plan a new German psyche But you just grew hate, me no Third Reichy And it all starts with you, you’re the father, Socrates Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology I wouldn’t exactly call myself a student of this plebe Don’t make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi Cause I’m N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E And I’ll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee Plebe, bitch? I’m toxic like a hemlock sip Hang a sandal on the door cause you can suck Soc’s dick Sacrebleu, Socrates! You’re making things a little tense Come, let’s blind these Chinese hinies with some shiny bright enlightenment Ill not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee Let me be frank, don’t start beef with The Frank Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks I have turned them on themselves, their chaos is our opportunity You must remember, a bowl is most useful when it is empty Ugh, Laozi, I don’t mean no disrespect But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense Oh, you don’t want to stand in the path of Lao Tzu today I’ll make you move, bitch, get out the way Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens? Man, Confucius, you always trying to put something in its place Why don’t you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face? Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that? I’ll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat So here’s the real golden rule, I’m way above you weak rookies Confucius say you can all hold these fortune cookies WHAT IS WINNING? WHO IS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! QUIET!!! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MARTIN LUTHER KING! VS! GANDHI! BEGIN! You want to battle wits? see whos a better pacifist I fought the caste system, but you still cannot touch this Slumdog skillionaire, first name Messiah Raps so hot I spit yoga fire Everything you preach, I said it first You should just jot down these words, plagiarize my whole verse Leave your thoughts on the door like the real Martin Luther Im not thinking you shall overcome this Junior Im the King of civil rights from the city to suburbia No shoes, no shirt, but Im still gonna serve ya Make you swallow your words so you can break the fast Then thank God almighty, you can eat at last I admire the way you broke the British power But I have a dream that one day youll take a shower Like the H in your name, you ought to remain silent Flatten your style like bread, Naan-violence You would know about bread, Dr.Birmingham sandwich Boycott those grits, sit in with some spinach With protests and women, the same advice goes Always stay away from the hos Ive got so much street cred they write my name on the signs Id ring you for tech support, but I got a no bell prize Nigga, we got more beef than one of your sacred cows But Im about to forgive you so hard right now I am passively resisting the fact that you suck I am celibate because I dont give a fuck WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Darth Vader vs Adolf Hitler Begin I am Adolf Hitler! Commander of the Third Reich Little known fact: also dope on the mic You are Vader, with your little boots and cape And helmet to cover up that burnt-ass face You have the Force to move objects, I am a force truly evil Even went back in time and turned you wack in the prequel Cause look at you, you’re not even a real person I preferred you in Spaceballs, the Rick Moranis version You can’t rhyme against the dark side of the Force, why even bother? So many dudes been with your mom, who even knows if I’m your father? You’re a pissed off little prick with a Napoleon dick You call that a mustache? I call that Dirty Sanchez on your lip You bitch, let me remind you who you’re messing with Everything that you did, I’m the motherfucker who invented it I’m the original Dark Lord, you’re like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice My Stormtroopers make yours look like someone took a piece of shit and cloned it You stink, Vader, your style smells something sour You need to wash up, dawg, here, step in my shower I’ll turn all your friends against you, just my speeches breed haters What’s your lightsaber vs a clan of all your white neighbors? Suck my robot balls Now, take a step back and let me freeze yours off A little carbonite bath for your goose-stepping ass We’ll call my homeboy in Israel, see who got the last laugh Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! JACK THE RIPPER! VERSUS! HANNIBAL LECTER! BEGIN! Oi mate, pass the liquor, its Jack the Ripper Jack the Rapper, following you way before the dawn of Twitter Im a human trigger warning, through the night until the morning When the light shines upon my crimes, you find it sick, appalling An infamous, notorious delinquent Theres little more gory a thing than Living in Victorian England This is horrorcore, beware if youre a common whore Or at late night you may find me knocking on your door Not keen to leave until Im knee deep in blood and gore Your grieving family on their knees, weeping, scrubbing floors The police need a lead, they dunno what theyre looking for My raps are like the way I eat my meat, bloody raw Jack, youre a classic megalomaniac You havent mentioned me once in your entire battle rap Pity your verse wasnt worth a trip in the jacket Quit jacking off on the track and put the lotion in the basket And catch what the iller serial killer can deliver Rhymes finer than the Chianti I would pair with your liver But the thought of your putrid flesh makes me want to shiver Cause your British bodys covered in more piss than kitty litter You stabbed women when they wouldnt give you attention Like a Penny Dreadful version of OJ Simpson But these days your nickname is all thats even known And you didnt even come up with that shit on your own Im real! Youll find me making vacancies in brothels While you only exist inside the pages of a novel You were kept for ages in a hovel Contained within a cage behind a locked door While I never got caught So whos the superior serial killer, Doctor Lecter? Im still wanted, youre forgotten People these days are watching Dexter So God protect ya from the hell Ive spread upon us Im terrorizing London, fuck the 7/7 bombers! No, no, Jack you were doing fine Before your ham-fisted attempt at a terrorist line How typical of Jack the Ripper to chase a headline Pick Ray Liottas brain and ask him how I get mine Im the bon vivant of violence, a licensed psychiatrist Who dines on highest society to the sound of violins Dont get me wrong, Id roast both your balls on my hibachi But for a serial killer, youre as tasteless as a bowl of Kashi You prey on a prostitute and play with her body I dont mind that youre naughty Jack, I hate that youre sloppy Barney, take me back to solitary confinement Cause this dirty little lamb has just been silenced WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEE- -PIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! BILL NYE! VERSUS! SIR ISAAC NEWTON! BEGIN! Of all the scientific minds in history They put Beaker in a bow tie up against me? Im a master, I discovered gravity! I drop rhymes like theyre falling from an apple tree Youre no match for me, you got a bach degree I got a unit of force named after me! You want a battle, guy? Thats a crazy notion When I start flowing, I stay in motion First Law! Did you catch that? Or did it go too fast to detect? Perhaps itd be better if I added in a bleep or a bloop or another wacky sound effect I was born on Christmas, Im Gods gift! I unlocked the stars that youre dancing with You waste time debating creationists, while I create the science you explain to kids Yes, its true, what I used to do is teach kids science on my PBS show But now I do what I got to do to make sure scientific thought can grow And Im still in my prime, hitting my stride Whatd you do with the back half of your life? You freaked out, started counting coins for the bank And you sure didnt have no wife! Oooh! You wrote the book on gravity, but you couldnt attract no body Your work on orbits was exemplary, but your circle of friends was shoddy! You dont wanna mess with the guy, Bill Nye! I rap sharp like a needle in your eye. Oh! Stick to drinking that Mercury Cause I hypothesize that youre about to get beat! Well, I conclude that your methods are the wackest You wouldnt even pass in one of my classes! Every action has an equal and an opposite reaction Except for when we both start rapping! I accelerated the mind of mankind to a higher plane of understanding And I can calculate the weight and the size and the shape of the shadow of the mind youre standing in! And I will leave you with a page from a book I wrote at half of your age to rebut The integral sec y dy from zero to one-sixth of pi is log to base e of the square root of three times the sixty-fourth power of what?? Why dont you pick on a brain your own size? We got a badass over here, plus I got your back, Nye Astrophysics black guy, Hayden Planetary fly By the way, the answer to your little calculation is i As in I put the swag back in science While Isaac Newton was lying and sticking daggers in Leibniz And hiding up inside his attic on some Harry Potter business The universe is infinite, but this battle is finished WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? Y-Y-Y-YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORYYYY.. EPIC RAP BATTLES OF H.. EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DONALD TRUMP! VERSUS! HILLARY CLINTON! BEGIN! Ive been in this game too long Im a public servant Have been since I met MLK in person Im a woman of the people, thats for certain Youre a man of the people who dont like turbans I was living in the West Wing while you were professional wrestling You got skin like Russian dressing From too much Russian investing You been going bankrupt since the 90s If I was in Iran, you couldnt find me You dont care about the job, Trump You just think the desk is shiny I said that I respect your children But that wasnt quite right, yo Looking like some extras from American Psycho First name is Hillary, middle name, Rodham Last name is Clinton and lyrics, I got em You fire celebrities on The Apprentice Motherfucker, I fire bin Laden! Crack! coughs How do I say this? Youre racist Ooh, you must get so pissed that your hands are too small to stop and frisk So you use your fingers to touch chicks Shes only 12 years old Thats enough, shit! But shes married, sir Just gotta get pushy Thats your daughter Well, grab her by the pussy Thats assault, brotha! Dont tell me the victims at fault, sucka! You dont know shit about steaks, yucka! But the ones on the 8th are great, muthafucka! Better save the date, Im gonna rock the vote Bad bitch on the scene like Murder, She Wrote So go ahead Donald, let me see your flow I brought Michelles speech, borrow some quotes Let me just say I respect all females But your rhymes are trash Put em next to your emails Our countrys in crisis Who wants to vote for the mother of ISIS? That might not be exactly true But I dont do politeness You wanna talk about misogyny? Your Bills worse than Cosby He left a mess on that dress like you left in Benghazi Terrible You wanna break the glass ceiling, Hillary, I sense it But the only crack youll find is my ass pressed against it The numbers are in and Im right on your tail You dont have the stamina, baby, youre frail This will be just like 08 when you fail But Trump will appoint you to jail How do I say this? Youre a two And you almost lost the primary to a socialist Jew What do the American people gotta yankee doodle do To get it through your fat face that theyre just not that into you? They want a strong male leader, who can stand up to China Not a crooked little wishy-washy bleeding heart vagina Im gonna run these streets like I run my casinos More police and less Latinos While you bury us in debt buying poor people socks Ill create jobs tearing down mosques Then Ill use all the best rocks from the site to build a wall Dip it in gold and make Mexico pay for it all Ill make this country great again Well all be living large Ill tell Congress youre fired and put Charles in charge Cause this whole systems rigged and we all know the riggers For the last eight years, this countrys been run by- CAW! Are you fucking kidding me with this blah blah blah? Ive half a mind to feed you both to my oversized- CAW! Ive heard more thoughtful discussion up in TMZ You two got brother blocking brother on their Facebook feed Im so sick and tired of this ridiculous shit If this is the best my party gets, then my party should quit Ha! Im sorry, did I say something that you found funny? Wipe that creepy-ass smile off your face and beat this dummy! And if she does win the White House, be a man and hold the door Dont get your fans stirred up in some sorta Twitter civil war Heres an equal opportunity smack down in the sequel Thats of the people, by the people, for the people EAGLE! CAW! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Adolf Hitler vs Darth Vader, begin Someone who loathes you, bitch, now stand up and rhyme I only thawed you out so I could beat your ass a second time Roar like Chewbacca, the voice of Mufasa Im on the leader of your limp dicked Luftwaffe I strike back hard against a Nazi Brain toss your ass in the air: Yahtzee! Ask Indiana Jones who the fuck I am I spit sick shit so focused I break your concentration camp Im a certified Sith Lord, you runt So suck on deez... Uh, deez what, sir? Deez robot nuts! Im gonna enjoy watching you die So let me do it with my own eyes You look stressed, Vader, you appear to be in pain You need a vacation, here, take a trip on my train I mean you, leading an army of white men? Disgraceful! Even your mic skills still arent fully operational You got one bitch pregnant then gave in to the hate Now youre 66 and black but cant get a date Lightsaber? You need a Life Saver Use some of your force to fix your fucking respirator You think youre powerful with your finger neck pinches? You couldnt even get your own son into the family business! Everything you do is an epic fail Now stand at attention and Sieg fucking Heil! Whats wrong Ani? Cant take anymore? Not surprising coming from the Emperors whore Yeah, ya, take that! Whats the matter? Where is the DJ? Why are you laughing? Because youre standing over the Rancor Pit Ah, I am Adolf Hilter Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic—achoo— Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ALEXANDER THE GREAT! VERSUS! IVAN THE TERRIBLE! BEGIN! Look alive, crème de la Kremlins arriving Try to serve Ivan? No surviving Youre a land rover, Im a land expander Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander Ill school you like Aristotle Smack you harder than you hit that bottle Youre nothing but an overrated lush, Ill crush ya Im the first Tsar of all of Russia Youre an asshole with an anastole Im heaven sent, divine and holy So dont even try to approach the God Or youll get a huge sack like Novgorod Hey fella, swell diss But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed Stepping ups foolish as well as useless Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia Breezed through Gaza to Giza Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq and Pakistan In my expansion pack While you died in the middle of a game of chess You got vodka bars, flavorless And what Im bout to spit will be the craziest So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed Kudos! Greek for the glory I got From winning every single war that I fought So this will be straightforward, Ill take up this sword that I brought And slice you in half like the Gordian knot And Ill soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore As I swatted my many enemies, shattered em like a porcelain pot And theyd be praying for the torture to stop But I would leave em contorted and theyd be screaming and roaring Until their vocal chords were torn up and shot And I would holler Bucephalus! Hop on my horsey and trot I win Ivan, I vanquish Im an immortal, youre not Enough! I dont stand a chance against your skills На здоровье - A drink to your victory! Yes, I will! It seems no one can defeat me I weep, its all so easy... ooh Whats wrong? I feel a bit... queasy Ha! Youve been poisoned! Oh, the pain is unbearable! My stomachs riddled with holes! Ugh, Im terrible Theres no great who could defeat this Russian Psst, what about a flute busting Prussian? Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Im Frederick the Great, out the gate first servant of state Oblique attack tactics aint exactly straight Ive got creative talents and battle malice Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace Russias fucked up, but no wonder why With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my! I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes If I had to look at your troll face every night Now bring me my chair Im weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square Fought a Seven Years War, I aint scared of a Tsar Cause beating you only took me twelve bars Ohhh, what a humiliating defeat! I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat Id keep ripping you to shreds, but Ill take a break instead And just rest my little head Why dont you drop dead, Fred? Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire Its another great day and another great victory Cause no great can beat me What about me? Pompey! Yeah! Macedonians, Prussians and Romans Those arent worthy opponents It takes a Russian to take down a Russian Im Cath, Im a cat, youre a rodent How are you the head of our state When the state of your head was such a crazy one? Such sick shit going through your brain That you stuck a spike through your own son Youre unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged I brought the Russian empire straight out of the olden days and right into the golden age Im the boss bitch that you just cant meddle with This whole battles like Alaska cause I settled it Hmmm, what a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle Accept this gift, Your Highness I hear you enjoy the saddle That horse story is a pile of shit Though I do keep em chomping at the bit But youre never gonna get it, nyet Couldnt spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette Im picking up where Peter the Great left off Bringing sexy back to House Romanov So dont call me Queen, Im far more great Empress to Tsar 8, bitch Checkmate WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking, begin When I apply my battle theory, minds are relatively blown So take a seat Steve, oop, I see you brought your own Whats with your voice? I cant frickin tell You sound like WALL-E having sex with a Speak & Spell Ill school you anywhere, MIT to Oxford All your fans will be like, Um, that was Hawkward Im as dope as two rappers, you better be scared Cause that means Albert E equals emcee² Youve got no idea What youre messin with here, boy Ive got twelve inch rims on my chair, thats how I roll yall You look like someone glued a mustache on a troll doll Ill be stretchin out the rhyme like gravity stretches time When you try to put your little p-brane against this kind of mind Im the best, Im the Snoop Dogg of Science Ill be dropping mad apples on your head from the shoulders of giants Im the giant whose shoulders youd have stood on, if you could stand Ill give you a brief history of pain with the back of my hand You cant destroy matter or me, for serious Ripping holes in you bigger than the hole in your black hole theory was There are ten- Million-million-million-million-million-million-million- Million-million particles in the universe that we can observe Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd You wanna bring the heat with the mushroom clouds youre making Im about to bake raps from scratch like Carl Sagan And while its true that my work is based on you Im a super-computer, youre like a TI-82, ooh Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic... Rap... Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! CLEOPATRA! VS MARILYN MONROE! BEGIN! Whose rap flows the dopest? Marilyn Monroes is Overthrow pharaohs who oppose me like Moses You could never kick my ass, so kiss my clitoris This ugly hag and KassemG got matching noses You better hold more than your skirt, miss please Im the Queen of the Nile, so just bow down to me Plus youve got so much experience down on your knees Married a writer, but I dont even think you can read Youll sleep with any ugly dude who says he likes it hot Even Joe DiMaggio took a swing in your batters box Im a descendant of the Gods, dont anger me trick Youll lose this battle like your bout with barbiturates I had some ugly boys but youre forgettin the others Marlon Brando and the Kennedys, while you fuck your own brothers You think youre so chic up in your fancy palace Gettin Lo on Mark Antony, tossing Caesars salad You wear too much eyeliner for anyone to adore you You might as well be working the door at Sephora I got an ass that wont quit You had an asp and got bit, on the tit Somebody wrap this bitch back up in a carpet You still got no children after your third marriage You lost so many babies we should call you Miss Carriage Youve got an hourglass figure, but thats about it A candle in the wind that cant act for shit Translate this into hieroglyphs Your sandy vagina has a 7-year itch My best friends are diamonds! You cant beat me, quit trippin Step off and walk your ass home like an Egyptian WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! SHERLOCK HOLMES! VS BATMAN! BEGIN! Nice hat, dork, you look like a duck I had Alfred read your books, he told me they suck Ill crush your British nuts until theyre bangers and mash Ive seen better detective work in Tango & Cash You chump, I kick punks like you off the streets While you and Velma here are solving Scooby Doo mysteries Nothing makes me laugh, but I bet your raps can So bring it on, bitch, Im Batman! I once met a rich fellow who smelled of guano and pain I deduce this deuce stain as Bruce Wayne Yes, his wealth would allow this adversary of ours To afford the toys he needs You want a battle, bat? Bring it then Good! Then hell be used to getting served by Englishmen! Youre a wack vigilante black pantied spud with no skill My sidekicks a doctor Shut up, nerds, I serve justice, so eat it My sidekick only comes around... When hes needed! Boy Wonder make you wonder how your ass got killed Bite harder than those hounds down in Baskerville Ill blast you with that bat-whack-rap repellant Rappel a building, snatch a villain, then by dinner be chilling Gotta secret about your homegirl Irene Adler Took her back to my nest, to bam pow kersplat her Ill shatter that fiddle with a chop of the hand! Holy Conan Doyle, lets get em! Aw god damn! Youre not smart, youre selfish, you endanger everyones life Why dont you let your boyfriend here go home to his wife? Nobody likes you, not your brother, not your partner, not Scotland Yard! Youll die alone with no friends except that needle in your arm! This mustnt register on an emotional level... First, exploit childhood tragedy...then gesture with pipe... Watson finishes punchline...next, acknowledge compliment Conclude with killer catchphrase.... I believe your parents homicide is why you mask your face Youre shamed and traumatized and haunted by the vast disgrace Of watching like a passive waste as momma died and daddy was dispatched with haste! Youre a bat shit crazy basket case! Ive got tonnes! Dissing these dynamic douchebags was elementary, my dear Watson WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DEADPOOL! VERSUS! BOBA FETT! BEGIN! Oh, is it me? Well, heres my first issue I barely even know enough about you to diss you But do you guys honestly think that Id screw this feud up And lose to the dude a huge toothy cootchie chewed up? Thats bananas! I do damage when I brandish my katanas Man, Ill slice you up then vanish in my ladybug pajamas Im one of a kind, youre a Xerox of your papa Doing temp work for Vader and odd jobs for Jabba Im tight, youre mad baggy; Im toned, youre so flappy Mad cause Sam Jackson killed your clone daddy Somebody oughta put a bounty on that cape Maaaybe Ill write a letter, and mail it in your face Good thing I keep Tums in the Slave 1, cause your style makes me spacesick And your bars are like your old pal Cable: fucking basic Ill smack a merc in the mouth if he doesnt quit running that lip off Bitch, who you calling clone, youre a Deathstroke rip-off You stole Spidermans eyes and Snake Eyes weapons You got Wolverines powers, man, youre comic sloppy seconds That Dr. Killebrew dude needs to go back to med school Cause right now, youre no good to me, Deadpool Ooooh, whats that? A missile backpack? Well, I guess youll be alright if a fucking bird attacks Presenting the most overrated character anyone ever saw With five lines in the trilogy, and one of them was AAAH! I only need five lines, cause I look fucking great You look like someone spilled lasagna on your face But youre worth a lot to me if I bring you back dead Schizophrenics pay triple, one for each head Who you calling schizophrenic? Youve got two different voices! Youre like your holiday special, man: full of bad choices You think your chimichangas hot, but you couldnt be milder You shouldve made the choice to ditch the prick from Van Wilder And the coolest things about you got straight-up abandoned You let a kiwi hold your gun and he fucked up your canon So maybe dont talk about movies cause youve got dick to say Wrap that arm dart around Jar Jar and go far, far away Im a legend, youre a trend, you aint got half the skills I got Ill beat your ass with one eye closed: Boba Fetty Wap And then Ill call Dominos, she likes what Im shaking She prefers my durasteel to your Canadian bacon Now take a lesson from a genuine assassin whos blasting foes I come equipped with a full set of sick Mandalorian flows Everybody knows you got that power of regeneration Now run home and heal from this disintegration WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY

Adolf Hitler: Vader… This is your last chance… Battle me… or die… EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DARTH VADER! VERSUS! ADOLF HITLER! BEGIN! Screw you, you big black cunt! Ill kick your balls and your face! A war on two fronts! The Führer will crush the Dark Side! Like a rap Apartheid! I put the germ in the Germany! Im sick on this mic! I beat you twice, you sellout, now you bow down to Mickey Mouse You call yourself a Dark Lord? You couldnt even conquer Space Mountain! Youre just a sad asthmatic robot freak who needs some loving Well I baked you something, here, pop into my oven! Let me paint you a picture, son Potrait of a bitch after World War One You were stirring up the fears of the German people Telling the world that the Jews are evil You wrote a little book, got em fired up Had a Beer Hall Putsch, got em fired up When your bunker started getting fired up You put a gun in your mouth and fired up! You dumb motherfucker, didnt Napoleon let you know? When you conquer Russia, better pack some fucking winter clothes! While youre fighting off Valkyrie I got a million clones, they die for me My bounty hunters ride for me Yo homeboy, finish this rhyme for me! They call me Boba Fett, you wanna mess with me? Ill put my balls in your mouth like boba tea I got a jetpack, yo, you know I steal the show! Cause when I rock the microphone I- Oh, Sieg Hell No! Youre not going to cheat me, Mister Sunglasses All the Time! Ill take you and your new boyfriend Goofy and all your spermy soldier guys! And throw you in a butthole in the sand! I am Adolf!… Hitler... WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEPIC RAP! BATTLES! OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ELVIS PRESLEY! VS! MICHAEL JACKSON! BEGIN! Oooh, Elvis Presley as I live and breathe You stole rock and roll, gave us rockabilly cheese You dance like an epileptic: Nothing but left feet, Ive seen it Every record you set, man, I beat it Here’s a tip: Don’t swallow a bucket of drugs So you won’t die on the toilet dropping hunks of Burning Love I’m Bad, I’m a Smooth Criminal better face up Call me Ed Sullivan, shoot you from the waist up Watch me moonwalk and I step on your blue suede Even in death I go platinum on Blu-Ray Spitting out hits since I was six years old I’m the King of Pop, you’re the King of Jelly Rolls Well I died on the shitter but I don’t give a crap You ain’t got half the badass battle raps that I have I got one for your monkey, two for your clothes Three for your family and four for your nose You better surrender talkin’ about them ABC’s Cause all you wanna do is teach kids the birds and the bees This is the big time, Jacko, no dress rehearsal I’ll light you up like your hair in a Pepsi commercial I can tell you’re angry but I can’t comprehend it I stole from black culture, why are you offended? Your Daddy beat gold records out of you like alchemy Don’t make me spank you and dangle your ass over a balcony! Ohhh, It’s about time for a Thriller Didn’t lose any chocolate, I just added vanilla I’m going Off The Wall, I won’t stop ’til I get enough Whooping your big fat ass with my shiny glove How you gonna talk about the birds and bees When you met your own wife when she was only 14 Then you made one daughter, she came to me I took her to my Neverland Ranch to Hee-Hee You shoulda stayed in the army dude, Even Tito looks better than you I’m singing Aaaahhhhhh, you’re singing Don’t be Cruel There’s only one crown baby, let the one King rule You’re a creeper dude, you like to grab your own wanger I only let you marry my daughter cause I knew you’d never bang her You think you’re tough? Man, you look like Tootie I was badder than you in my Blue Hawaii movie You lost your damn mind, that’s why they cast you in The Wiz You’re like a sad white woman who never got to be a kid I’m out before you try to hold me and free your willy Later weirdo; Elvis is leaving the building! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Adam vs Eve, begin This battles gonna end like every argument does With you kissing my ass and begging me for a rub I made a map, motherfucker, and Im reading it too Gives me specific directions how to fuck with you I know that you like to think youre so macho But you smell like ballsacks and nachos I work while you and your boyfriend Steve Drink and play sports in a Fantasy League Youre as sharp as a stick that I rub on my lips So go ahead, take a shot, Im sure that youll miss Like the laundry, the toilet, the grocery list If youd stop fucking up I wouldnt have to get pissed My life was fine til you had to come along and wreck it Could you please just shut your face for ten seconds? You cry about everything, but cant decide what you want Im hungry, Im fat, Im cold, Im hot You call it complex, but, yo, Id call you a mess You take two hours to cum, three more to get dressed You got a lotion for this, you got a cream for that Got any perfume that smells like get the fuck off my back? When things are good theyre great, and its like Im dreamin Until your junk starts bleedin and you turn to a demon It aint summer, Eve, dont try to play me like a douche You wanna bite on my fruit, well, you can swallow the truth Dont even bring up swallow The first man on Earth aint a tough act to follow One pump chump and youre hung like a weasel Psh, ditch the fig leaf, get yourself a pine needle You want alone time? Have it, in fact Suck your own dick and shave your own back That apples the best thing I bit so far Now I see how much of a dick you are I wasnt listening, are you still flapping those lips? I was just thinking, Yo, did I give up a rib for this? Woman, I just dont know what your problem is All I know is youre acting like a colossal bitch Im sorry Im sorry, too All right, nice Dont even think about it Okay, thats fine, we could eat Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic—oh yeah— Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! AL CAPONE! VS BLACKBEARD! BEGIN! I come strapped with six pistols and a dagger Walk under the black flag with a scallywag swagger Aint no parrot on my shoulder and no rings in my ear Im an irate pirate, real swashbuckling buccaneer Beef with me? Please! Im the high seas Caesar My cold heart is many degrees beneath the deep freezer Youre an obese greasy sleaze squeezing a diseased peter That no skeezer would touch if she had fifty foot tweezers Dont start a war with me, youre not hardcore Ill pimp-slap those face scars of yours, port and starboard You spent time in Alcatraz, Im sure you were fine If you dropped the soap as little as you drop dope rhymes Im a busy man, Captain Crunch, Ill make this quick Im ruining pirates faster than Johnny Depp did I had syphilis, yeah, well youre a huge dick With a scurvy ridden ship filled with bilge rat pricks I run an intricate criminal syndicate, so show respect Or get that tongue ripped out your neck and shoved right up your poop deck Slappin bitch-ass teaches back since I was 14 You aint a tough guy, my kids dress up like you for Halloween Ill use that fuse in your hat to light up you and your buddies And burn your sailboat down and collect the insurance money Then maybe theyll find your bloated body dead and washed up on the beach This is Capone rapping and Im capping this captain, Capisce? The Valentine massacre brought you condemnation But Im gonna sink you faster than your income tax evasion When I toss you overboard like a mob abomination So prepare to learn the Davy Jones Locker combination Forty cannon on the Queen Anne, your gang cant stop it Ill pilfer all your rum and sell it back at a profit Cause Im a criminal legend with a badass name Youre a fat thug with an STD in his brain Cmon, they chopped your head off and they hung it from a rope The only legend you left was your prohibition on soap I mean, that rat nest beards trapped so many crumbs This bum could get marooned and still eat lunch for a month Im the emcee assassin, slash like Edward Kenway Rap so hard call me Al... dente Take your little sloop John B and go home Tell South Carolina Blackbeard got Capwned WHO WON! WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! THOMAS EDISON! VERSUS! NIKOLA TESLA! BEGIN! Step up, youll be shocked when I spit and start static Ill rip your style and add it to my long list of patents While you were busy digging ditches and burning bridges Im pumping out inventions, stacking riches, so go back to your pigeons Youre a geek, plagued by OCD You never had sex, but you sure got screwed by me Ill crush you Tesla, theres just no putting it gently I dont alternate my flow, I diss you directly I see a universe of infinite energy But no potential for threat from this enemy So you can call me Tesla, Nikola, impeccably dressed Giving lessons in electrical nemesis, this will be on the test So confess to your thefts and let the whole world know What the Serbian did for the Wizard of Menlo History is getting rewritten and I have reddit Your best invention was a way to steal credit The truth hertz, youre broke and washed up Dont give a smidgen bout your visions if they cant make a buck I conduct business, understood things you never could So dope that I even make New Jersey look good Im on the record I invented, you got duped, there, I said it And Ill bet you fifty thousand dollars that youll never forget it Without me, heres a taste of what this battle would be No lights, no camera, no sound. See? You fool, you think that you can touch me with this? You couldnt handle my gifts with your greedy little mind Whats inside mine was ahead of its own time You did not steal from me, you stole me from mankind! Its the wireless transmission of truth And its a shocking real story of a banker and you And if the people knew you stopped me from making power free They would curse the con Edison with every utility WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! E-E-E-E-EEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DONATELLO! MICHELANGELO! LEONARDO! RAPHAEL! VS! LEONARDO! MICHELANGELO! DONATELLO! AND RAPHAEL! BEGIN! Cowabunga, dude, so lets get it on Reptiles against the fathers of the Renaissance We got the classical technique To kick these three-toed freaks back under the street I take a turtle and I turn him into mincemeat You dont really wanna step to da Vinci I love the ladies, I like to keep it mellow So let me pass the mic to my man, Donatello. Hard shell, but youre gross in the middle Wouldnt wanna touch you with a six-foot chisel Born in goop, raised in poop I slice through a group of ninjas like fruit - oops! Yo, Raphael, and I came to flow Deemed dope by the Pope and I boned til I croaked Im an emcee Shredder but I get the feeling I should pass it up to my man on the ceiling! Oh, Michelangelo, and Im a giant! I made David, but Ill slay you like Goliath! Im a rap God, and you cant quite touch me! This battles your Last Judgement, trust me! & We drop science! & We got the mathematics! The architects of rebirth are rap addicts! You beat the Foot, but it wont go well When you catch an Italian boot to the half shell! The wisdom of our master Taught us not to rush to violence But our master Aint here, dudes! ! I dont think you wanna mess with my katana blade! Get back in your floppy helicopter, fly away! I can Bebop and steadyrock a mic, sucka! Im a pristine Sistine nun chucka! Oh hi, Im a cool but rude guy Put you back in school with the tip of my two sai Uh, Dona-tell me who you are again dude Cause I dont Gattamelata clue what you do Thats because you mutants are too immature You wouldnt know genius if it pissed in your sewer We got the talent, and the mind, and the rhymes so sweet Were like your NES game, because we cant be beat! Go ahead and hate cause well just skate on by You guys draw more dicks than New York Pride Were the TMNT, drop kicking Italy Chowing on your tower made of pizza, save a slice for me!

Epic Rap Battles of History Doc Brown vs Doctor Who, begin Ooh, actually, if you dont mind its just the Doctor Doesnt even really matter who, who am I even talking to? Oh yes, you The wannabe Einstein minus the stache, travels through time but with no class Im saving the world while you dilly-dally, you cant even invent a way out of Hill Valley And calm down will you, everything is going to be fine Youre not going to tear any wonky holes in any fabric of space and time Actually its a lot more like a rug really, never mind Lets just say theres an infinite number of me simultaneously kicking your arse with rhyme Great Scott, youre great—not, I spit it hot And generate way more power than one-point-twenty-one gigawatts Im not sure what sort of scientific authority you purport to be But Im a real doctor, whered you get your degree? Despite all of your companions you couldnt be having less sex I dont know whats lamer your fans or your special effects You dont get another turn to debate, time to face your permanent fate Now Dalek my balls! Exterminate Im going to die At least, this version of me Perhaps youd like another Prepare to meet your density Im a mystical medical doc at the pinnacle shifting my physical form Youre a possibly pedophilic individual who should have never been born You got your knickers in a twist while youre sucking on my Piccadilly, but Im a lot lot different Cause youre a pitiful hillbilly hanging with an oedipal kid whos a bawk bawk chicken Nobody calls me chicken This is between us, Scarfy, dont try to out-rhyme me Youll find Im as grimy as any slimy time-limey Ill use your port-o-potty time machine as my latrine Youre not a cat with nine lives, youre a pussy with thirteen WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DOC BROWN! VS! DOCTOR WHO! BEGIN! Doctor Who: Actually, if you dont mind, its just the Doctor

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! WINSTON CHURCHILL! VERSUS! THEODORE ROOSEVELT! BEGIN! Bully! A challenge! I love competition! Now where would I mount the stuffed head of a Winston? Im into fitness, digging ditches through an isthmus! Rough ridin down to Cuba like Whats up, Bitches?! I keep my rhymes pure, like my food and drugs Im an American stud, and youre the British Elmer Fudd! I mean, for Christs sake! Look at that mug! At least grow a spruce mustache and cover part of it up! And lets face it, youre not all that great You tossed away lives in Gallipoli like they were scraps off your plate! Your whole miserable country is the size of one state! I could see my way through running that without donning my Pince-nez! Dont go toe to toe with me, you bloated drunk old man Why dont you Do-Si-Do on over to a 12 step program? Ill bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles So walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles! Pass me a cigar and a large glass of brandy Im about to take you out prematurely, like your family Im the Rhyme Minister, fresh in a hat and dinner jacket You look like a mix of EpicLLOYD and a Pringles packet! I was saving the planet from an axis of darkness While you were back home, opening national parks, yes! You were born asthmatic, youre going to choke hard While I wake up every day and chain smoke cigars! Ill fight you on the beaches, Ill fight you on the beats, yes! Any way you want to fight Ill fight ya and Ill beat ya, see? I might be battling you even though Im toasted But tomorrow Ill be sober and youll still be roasted! My parents died when they were young and it was morbid But at least they didnt ditch me when they were alive like yours did Oh shit! World War Too soon? Well Teddys dropping bombs, so you best go hide in your tube! You should be ashamed of your military honor Everyone knows youre back home like Thank God for Pearl Harbor! Dont worry, the US will give you a pass Just change your poster to keep calm and kiss my cousins ass Steady there, I dont think its very fair For a British bulldog to melee with a Teddy Bear Youre no man, youre an overgrown Boy Scout I should stuff you in a pram just so you can throw your toys out! They put your fat head on a mountain to save face But if Rushmore was a band, then youd play bass! Look at Roosevelt, the dudes about to lose the bout to Churchill! If a bullet to the chest wont stop you, my words will A bullet cant stop the Bull Moose! TR will give WC the full deuce! Whatever shit you throw at me, Ill just return to sender! Ill battle to the end and I will never surrender! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! CLINT EASTWOOD! VS BRUCE LEE! BEGIN! Ive got the baddest fists of fury that the world ever saw Defeat whole karate schools and motherfuckers with claws How can you talk more shit, with my fist in yo jaw? Dont need words to serve ya, Imma just say WAAAT-AWWW! Your movies, they bore us, theyre slow as a tortoise Im the king of nunchucks, I fucked up Chuck Norris I invented Jeet Kune Do, so taste my slipper shoe Heres my two-finger push up, Kung F U! You scream like a girl and got moves like Jagger But Ill rip through your ass faster than a Pupu Platter Youre in the gym too much Ringo, perfecting kicks You should spend more time matching your voice up to your lips You dont belong in a fight, you belong in a sweatshop So go ahead, make my iPod Those little dances you do dont threaten me, Bruce Fuck you dude, I even squint better than you I beat the good and the bad, you must be the ugly I would mess up yo face, but your mama did it for me Go tug your pistol for a fistful of yo Million Dollar Babies You were cool in the 80s, maybe, but now youre just crazy A man who argues with people who arent even there Is more fit to rap against this fucking chair! Do ya feel lucky, punk? Thats what Im askin You cant be too tough, you got killed by an Aspirin And your one-inch punch? Same size as your pecker Leave the rappin to me, stick to Chinese Checkers Id beat you in round two but thatd be unbelievable No one in your family ever lives to see a sequel WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! GOKU! VERSUS! SUPERMAN! BEGIN! Who can stop this constipated jock With the awful animation and the complicated plot? Whos got the rap bombs to drop on Japan? This looks like a job for the OG Im killing it, youre Krillin it, Im villainous to vegetables Who dance around in hammer pants that hide their tiny genitals My level is incredible, Im out of your league You want justice? Ill bust this nut up in your Chi Chi Greasy slick emcee from DC One breath, Ill freeze your whole measly species Youre primitive and limited, you live in a village of idiots Step in Metropolis, Ill snap a carrot, period How many times are they gonna rewrite your story? Your powers have been boring since the nineteen fucking forties Defeat me with heat beams? Youre crazy Cause Im a Super Saiyan, youre a flying Miss Daisy Youre pretty pasty to be powered by the sun You cant flow to Son Goku, I Kaoiken get it done When I see your movies all I do is watch the clock Cause theres nothing fun about a superhero scared of green rocks Look at those panties You got that camel toe Ill report to Lois Lane, then Superman that ho Haha, your rapping is weaker than your fight scenes Just one punch and over 9000 screams! Ill make your nose bleed like Roshi sniffing panties From Z to GT, you can Dragonball deez Dont lecture me about fights, you caped coward You got your ass beat by a bat with no powers Theres only one way that this battles gonna end One more Superman whos never gonna walk again WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EP! IC! RAP! BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MICHAEL JORDAN! VERSUS! MUHAMMAD ALI! BEGIN! Why dont you dodge this battle like you did Vietnam? Cause youve got as much chance of beating me as Lebron Im a flying machine, like the world has never seen! You can fight one man? I can drive through a whole team! I choke a dope with his own jump rope! Youll get smoked when I flow, you Kentucky fried joke! Used to float like a butterfly, sting like a bee Now you double dribble balls that nobody can see! Ooh, here comes Jordan, big tongue wobbling Flying through the air like a big dumb goblin Youre the only Bull thats uglier than Rodman Messing with me is gambling, you got a problem! Your whole basketball career turned whack When you came back a Wizard like Gandalf the Black! You should have kept your ugly sneakers packed up on a shelf Stick to golf, you can keep the ball to yourself Ooh, Im so pretty, my hands are so fast Ill whoop your face back to your Hitler mustache Now your daddy got killed and I feel for your family But your baseball career, now that was a tragedy! Man, you make me sick, but Im better with the flu! You should let the Fresh Prince do your rapping for you I would pass the mic to Pippen but Im not done scoring Stay all up in your grill like my name was George Foreman I saw you slapping Reggie Miller, boy, whats wrong with you? You fight like the little girls who make your Nike shoes! McDonalds and underpants as corporate backers You stay at the Ritz cause you sold out to crackers! So Cassius wants to talk about cashing checks Ill school you through your bug spray, off your Broadway play Over the Japanese dude sitting on your face! Hitting nothing but net! You aint seen nothing yet! Man, you needed a movement because youre so full of shit! Im a better athlete and a better MC! Battle me two more times, watch me get a three-peat! Beep beep! Why dont you back up that trash? Ill leave you like Liston, flat on your ass! You need to bounce back to North Carolina, kid Cause your rapping sucks more than Space Jam did! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP! A-BATTLES OF HISTORY! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! STAN LEE! VERSUS! JIM HENSON! BEGIN! Greetings heroes, Stan Lees here to battle Its the mind behind The Hulk against the geek beneath the Fraggles Im just your friendly neighborhood writer man with a secret identity of a super MC Whose raps are as dark as my shades, leave you squealing like: MEMEMEMEMEMEME Youre in trouble now Jimmy, you dirty old hippie Your beard needs a little bit of snikt, damn skippy Heck, that face on your neck aint sexy Youre one part Sweetums, the other part Skeksis Step up to Lee and get your butt kicked Your Muppet Snuffleupagus stuff is bupkis I broke Ferrigno and the Comics Code So keep your frog and pig show moving right along down the road Im glad you got that out But youre a creative man Stanley So lets just leave it behind Cause I can sense your tension, once the verbal fencing starts commencing There is no defense against the dents Jim Henson is dispensing And Im clenching all your strings like youre a puppet in suspension Call your superhero friends in Let me mention Im impressed by all the vision that it took For you to sign your name Nice try, frogman, but Jack was a friend of mine That was a low blow, he did his own Thing And now youve made it clobbering time Oh, you taught children to count and spell Then you taught your own kids how to drop your wife harder than you flopped on SNL Im telling you Henson You wouldnt like me when Im angry, Im a marvel of a party pooper Ill snap your turtleneck like a Doozer stick and put you out to pasture like Mr. Hooper Im sorry Jim, sometimes I cant control my rage Honestly, theres a lot of things that you cant control at my age But the truth is I miss ya, you were gone too soon You were like watching a beautiful sunset... at noon Ah Stan dont be sad, we all have a time to go Most of the Internet thought that you died 12 years ago But the Four will always be Fantastic, the Hulk will always be Incredible The words you wove within the hearts of heroes are indelible There is no beef between us, were two minds of the same kind And there is no man who could ever muck with what weve left behind I rock the mic properly Turning profits Ive got the key Im the Juggernaut of stacking knots unstoppably The Disneyland-lord of your intellectual property So get back to work, thats my dime youre wasting I didnt buy you for billions so you could play around debating Ah, you belong to Disney, which means you stay busy Cranking out magic and assembly line whimsy Artists begging me to stop, I wont let em! Labor conditions in my shop? I dont sweat em! Im powerful enough to make a mouse gigantic With only 3 circles I dominate the planet Clearly, theres nobody near me Im owning this battle, in fact, I own this whole series So hop on my Steamboat boys, but dont rock it Ill put a smile on your face, and green in your pocket Youll be safe and insured when youre under my employ Now look at it! Gaze upon my empire of joy!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! THE GHOSTBUSTERS! VS! THE MYTHBUSTERS! BEGIN! Are you tired of two geeks in mustaches Who can manage to be boring with explosions and crashes? If you, or the Lorax, wanna bust like we do Give us a call, were ready to defeat you Ghostbusters, flow crushers, get the job done Spitting out the lyrics like, we got one! Get the people moving like the Statue of Liberty Try to beat us in a battle? The delivery of Stantz stands straight like my main mans slinky I collect spores Like your show, its all fluff and filler Ill kick your hiney man, Im a savage killer Wow, your raps are just too wack to handle Lets do it like we do on the Discovery Channel Your science is preposterous, the opposite of competent process And in this episode, well give you a synopsis Starting with the vacuum cleaners strapped up on your back Its a fact, positrons dont react like that You built a laser grid with no safety switch And Walter Peck was right, thats some shady shit Good thing you work in a firehouse, cause you just got burned You are poor scientists, and thats confirmed Thats enough from the Walrus and Dickless the clown Lets show these Mythbitches how we do it downtown Grab your stick , heat em up High speed shows your ass get beat in slow motion We roast show hosts when our flows cross streams Pumping out blockbusters, while you work behind the scenes Its a rap test dummy, and youre both getting crashed We came, we saw, we kicked your ass Ghosts arent real, but it should be said Its time to bring the B-Team back from the dead Things are getting scary, when Tory, Grant and Kari Come harder than Ray when that ghost popped his cherry We reject your flows, and substitute our own Uhhhhhhhmmm... Whyd you stop? I couldnt think of a rhyme Well just say the first thing that pops into your mind Aww... aww... Yo, raise up, its Stay Puft, I stay fluff Blaze chumps and flip Kari butter-side up Imma smother Ghostbusters in fluffernutter, I dont play Show these dweebs how to rock a beret I live so large you cant harsh my mellow Just one step took me out the ghetto You best be afraid of my marshmallow flows Cause Big Puft just turned all you bitches to toast WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! RAP, RAP! RRRRRRRAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MOSES! VS! SANTA CLAUS! BEGIN! : Sweet robes, Obi-wan-too many days in the sun Stop preachin homie, teach your flock to covet some fun! I bring joy every year, man I represent cheer, You represent sandals and a scraggly beard Im from the North Pole, thats why my rhymes are so cold! I spit diamonds but Im serving up some fresh coal Youve been a naughty boy, you brought a plague of frogs Youd best arrest yourself, you broke your own law Or was there something in Rule Six I didnt understand? My list says killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand I read your book, you got a strict religion No bacon, but mandatory circumcision? Im a jolly bowl of jelly, giving holiday presents But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous! : When I was high up on the mountain God revealed the truths of the Earth But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf It takes 9 reindeers to haul your fat-ass You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass You need to stop breakin into houses and creepin and peepin On naughty kids while they sleepin and keep yo hands off my stockin Dont you Ho Ho me! Ill split yo ass in half, like I did the Red Sea You aint a saint you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow Stop with the unpaid labor, and let my little people go! : We aint slaves! All that sand turned your brain to mush! I think you need to stop smokin all that burnin bush Yeah, were magical workers, man! We hang with reindeers Yo! Heres a GPS! Who gets lost for forty years!? Youre a glorified secretary, so write this down Begat deez nuts! Santa Claus is comin to town : So much drama in the Israe-L B.C., Its kinda hard talkin directly to the G-O-single-D Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle, for yall Thou shalt not let your children sit on a grown mans lap at the mall. Ill beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy And walk off to the land of my milk and honies. WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ROMEO & JULIET! VERSUS! BONNIE & CLYDE! BEGIN! Ill handle this darling, Im known to fire off some BARs Cause if these lovers cross me, theyre gonna end up seeing stars (I mean Ill let you go first, but damn sure Im gettin licks in On this hissy fittin rich kid and this prepubescent vixen Im sick of them) Lets beat em then and we can rob em blind Ill stick this punk up from the front (Ill take this broad from behind And pop a cap in the ass of the last Capulet heiress Give Miss No Nights In Paris a reason to cry to her parents) Oh! Romeo, O Romeo, wherefore you tryin to flow yo? Mofo, you soft as a fro-yo Are those the drapes or your clothes, bro? Theres gonna be a tragedy Barrow Gang put their money where their mouth is My love, your face is beauty to behold I will protect thine honor from these dust bowl dildos (A moments break from your gaze is an eternity past So together we shall both put these bitches on blast) En garde thou artless beetle headed flax wench The only insult you have thrust upon me is thine stench Why dont you twist upon these nuts? I hear youre good with a wrench The dismal state of your raps should be a federal offense (Haha! And you there, wench with the neck of a chicken Youll get an ass rippin worse than your boyfriends in prison Youre not a true romance, youre just a conjugal visit Oh, but thats not even your real husband now is it?) Hey partner, you best put a muzzle on your missus Fore I teach her how we handle disrespect down in Texas Do you quarrel sir? Ho, shall I draw my long sword Or will you duck your chicken shit ass back into your Ford? How could you beat my man in some mano a mano? You cant protect your best friend from some John Leguizamo! No no, my Romeo will beat your beau in contest blow for blow He will do upon thine dick what you hath done upon your toe Oh! I am killed, what irony is this? The lead role shot down by a failed actress Then I shall kill myself on my stomach I shall lie So you louts can lick my ass, thus with a diss, I die Oops, nevermind, my flesh was merely grazed Wheres Romeo? Oh Nomeo! Theres poison on your face! Oh happy dagger, pierce me true, persuade my breath to stop Sheath yourself inside my heart and like the beat I drop Well that was tragic Woulda done that boy some good to just wait a couple seconds Well at least we got each other Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap... BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! RICK GRIMES! VERSUS! WALTER WHITE! BEGIN! Carl, stay back, this is gonna get bad Im bout show this lab rat how to be a real dad A grade-A MC who will ruin your A1 day Cause Sheriff Grimes rhymes dirty like my armpit stains Im a post-apocalyptic cop whos got a lot of issues Pop a cap in you and splatter the brain you misuse Cooking up Blue Sky and bigger lies for Skyler Hatching little schemes like a dying MacGyver You tore your family apart, sin by sin Where I live, it happens literally, limb from limb So write this down in your pancakes so you wont forget it I kill zombies that are better men than you before breakfast I dont know what you think Ive done But if we were to battle, Ive already won Ask Gus, you dont wanna face off against me Ill stuff you in a barrel and make a dude smoothie Your sense of duty gets your group into some deep doody Always getting saved by some samurai booty Im a kingpin, cookin crystal in the middle of the day Having dinner by the pool with the DEA Run you over with my Aztek; GTA If you ever try to stop Heisenberg gettin paid Heres a hot dose, let me watch you choke on the truth You look up to me like Im a pizza on the roof Cause youre a loser, a failure to your whole entire crew Ive seen Walter Jr. handle walkers better than you CARL! I said stay back with the others While I finish this bitch like you finished your mother You aint the danger to me, Walt, so knock all you want Ill watch you get eaten on my fuckin front lawn Your monsters dont frighten me, and you can bite me Ill be standing right here in my tighty Walter Whities Ill bury you faster than your partner stole your whole life No one saw Shane coming except for your wife WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECII... AUGH... AHHH... AUUUUGHHHH, AHH AUHHH-EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! THE WRIGHT BROTHERS! VS! THE MARIO BROTHERS! BEGIN! Were the Wright Brothers and there cant be no other We dont wanna cause trouble, are you looking for your lover? Cause your princess is in our castle now. We stayed up all night playing Donkey Kong Before us, people only used to fly in balloons You think were scared of two idiots addicted to shrooms? You shoulda, would, coulda come to lose an extra life So just dudda dudda dudda back down in your pipe Its-a me Mario! And Luigi motha Why dont yous get back in your biplane and make out with each other? Look at these two, their lives must have been horrible Two dorky dudes named Wilbur and Orville You spend all your time on one machine? If you wanted to fly you shoulda just eaten this leaf You should eat something anyway Look at you so skinny! You may fly like a Hawk But you fight like a Kitty We dont need to fight Were the fathers of flight Representing North Carolina Well be pressing all your buttons like were the controller Conquer every level of your 2D scroller You talk a lot of trash But let me tell you something Were gonna beat you so fast Its like were holding down the B Button Were serving up an 8-bit fist, made to order Thatll knock off of the back of your own stupid quarters Like POW! How you like me now? Spit flames out our mouth like our name was Bowser Youll get pummeled Youll wish you never stumbled out your little wind tunnel Weve been dropping Bob-ombs since we started this song Sorry Wright Brothers, this time you chose wrong WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! JOAN OF ARC! VS! MILEY CYRUS! BEGIN! Let me guess, youre here to hate Well you can stand in the autograph line and wait Cause Im all twerk, I got all day To spit harsh words in this French maids face You died a virgin girl, who you think you messing with? Its Miley Cyrus, Im the hottest thing since Britney, Bitch! Im getting lifted on that molly, get that party turned up You getting lifted on a stake, get that body burned up Had enough? Its my habit, when I grab the mic I milk it You could say this rap is like my alter ego, cause I killed it! Lord, forgive me for the words I speak I know the voices of the angels tell me turn the other cheek But Im about to rip Hannah Montanas tongue out through her teeth Je suis la fille en feu, call me Katniss Everdeen When it comes to bad bitches, Im the patron saint But I only get down on my knees when its time to pray I came to Frenchmens aid in the time of need Cause Im the Maid of Orleans, youre the Mardi Gras beads, honey My father taught me things your daddy couldnt teach ya Your highest calling was a text from Wiz Khalifa You gotta die for something, Miley, just picture your epitaph Had the world watching, chose to show them all her flat ass Sweet burn , No pun intended Youre a cross dressing peasant betrayed by those you defended But when I come under fire, I can hashtag handle it If Gods in your corner, girl, you need better management Do not take the Lords name in vain, you ratchet skank! Your managers riding you to the achy breaky bank Be thankful for your talent, dont just rub it on your crotch Keep your party in the U.S.A., vive la France! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? Y-Y-Y-YOU DECIDE! EPIC! RAP! BATTLES! OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY BOB ROSS VERSUS PABLO PICASSO BEGIN I am the greatest, the modern art Muhammad Ali I melt faces, call me MC Dali Your whole body of work is a fluffy mountain of crap Youre the PBS version of Nickelback But I think you must be a genius cause with zero training You made millions teaching people how to suck at painting Why dont you go back home and beat your brush, you chump! I could make better art with my wiener, Lump! Im so glad you could join me today So I could teach you how to feel some joy when you paint Youre moody little genius, always so serious I know, you must be on your Blue Period Your work is melancholic, Im painting happy little trees Call me Jackson Pollock, because I splatter MCs With the voice that soothes, so lets do this I’ll twist you up like youre a Rubik’s cubist Dont use that word like you know what it is You painted thirty thousand pictures of bushes and sticks Does your audience know that you stole your whole show? You just ripped off your teacher, and added an afro! My name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano De la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso Back...to...you...Bob Well Bob is dropping bombs like this is Guernica I served twenty years, air force, United States of America My technique will make your mistress weep Put her to sleep, elbow drop her dreams, I go deep And I keep it mellow like some cadmium yellow Im a bright like titanium white kind of fellow Dont believe in mistakes unless you step to me Yo Pablo, you just got your happy little ass beat WHO WON?! WHOS NEXT?! YOU DECIDE!!! Here’s a Epic… here’s a little Rap… BATTLE OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY... JAMES BOND! VERSUS! AUSTIN POWERS! BEGIN! I’ve beefed with Le Chiffre and No and Blofeld with the cheek scar But they were not as crooked and rotten as your teeth are I’ll go balls to the Walther on this whack twat in an ascot Blast shots atcha like gas from the back slot of a fat Scot Permission from the Crown to put a scoundrel down? I’ve earned it I’m licenced to kill, you couldn’t get a learner’s permit After twenty-four films, I’m still reaching new heights Your third movie died, guess You Only Live Twice Spell my name, the ladies wanna B-on-D Any sex appeal you might have is beyond me I’m bespoke from my head to my toe and after this flow I’m done I only need one round, gunshot Golden Gun You look a lot more blonde in your movie, baby Thats alright, lets just keep it groovy baby! Basil Exposition told me this would be boring But Jesus, man, even my mojos snoring! Ive never seen such a miserable spy Ive also never seen a man with glistening thighs I mean you cant shag properly with that waxed tush Birds flock to the musk of my chest bush I hypnotize you with a little strip tease And then judo chop, Im swinging on you like the sixties Youre defenseless; my rhymes cant be deflected Youre like all the sex Ive ever had, unprotected People want a hero with a little personality No one wants to sit through your gritty reality Maybe Q can craft some new plot lines Youve made Thunderball two bloody times! Im one of a kind youre always getting remade You cant touch me, double-oh behave Ugh! Cant believe Im wasting my time with this clown I should be on an island with a fucking model by now Sipping dry martinis and peeling off bikinis Not rapping against Swedish penis pumping weenies Yeah thats not mine- I didnt say I was finished, Im sick of your silly gimmicks Im the best spy in the business; just ask all the critics Ive been through hell, so yeah, Im a bit of a cynic But Im the original model that your frilly ass mimics! It’s the most prominent dominant bomb spy, so pay homage Handing out ass-whippings, I’m on some real James Bondage Your performance doesn’t stir me and I’m certainly not shaken If I wanted shitty acting in my action film, I’d go and watch Taken I see your modern gadgets and I piss on them all I don’t need a Q to break your balls I’m the granddad of the brand millions of fans have been sold on You’re so far up on my nuts I should call you Bond… Gold Bond Yeah, um, could I get back in my rap please? slap Rap these, you velvety hack! Jeez! It’s the movie business and you’ve had your six The world has had quite enough rug-wearing misogynists Yeah, to be honest, you are a bit rapey I mean, I like to swing but Dr. No means no, baby Oh please, I’m an extraordinary gentlemen, Im distinguished If they made a Mini-Me, they’d have to cast Peter Dinklage Well maybe they should cast a Bond who’s actually English slap Why, pussy, aren’t you the cunning linguist As a matter of fact, I’ve got a knack for licking old cunts After I beat you, I’ll kick the shit out of the man who does your stunts Now you listen here, you little duck-faced runt I’m all in, I’m ready to die any day that you want! WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU… YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MR. T! VERSUS! MR. ROGERS! BEGIN! I pity the fool who tries to step to Clubber Lang Call me BA biceps cause I’ll crush your whole gang Bring Tuesday, Friday and little Trolly the train And watch me dip their ass in gold And wear em like my neck chain – SUCKA! I’ll choke you with your own sweater sleeves You couldn’t even beat me in the Land of Make-Believe. PUNK! I will Mr. T bag you, in the closest cemetery Nobody’s gonna miss you cause all your friends imaginary Hi there neighbor I hope you don’t mind if I change my shoes I’ll be rocking sneakers tIl this battle’s over So I don’t get blood from your ugly face on my penny loafers I like you just the way you are, one in a million But it looks like the barber gave your head a brazilian I pity your neck, Mr. Gold chains, you’ve got too many The only gold I keep is on the shelf in my Emmys I teach the whole world full of children I can tell You call yourself T cause you’re too dumb to spell Who you calling dumb, fool? Mr T. only needs one letter Hello? It’s for you, Bill Cosby wants his sweater You’re a forty-year-old virgin in a dumpy ass house I’ll get Hannibal, Murdoch and Face to stomp you out The only pussy cat you ever seen is on Henrietta, sucker! And your Mr. McFeely delivers a lot more than letters So before you come to battle with your PBS crap How bout I call up CPS about them kids on your lap, fool! Watch what you say. Kids love me more than lunch I’m not the one with my face on some whack ass Captain Crunch When my plan comes together you won’t even see it coming I’ll chop you into four black dudes and I’ll remake Cool Runnings I’ll say this once, Laurence. I hope it’s understood Get right back in your van, get the fuck outta my neighborhood WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Justin Bieber vs Ludwig van Beethoven Begin Look what the cat dragged back from the dead Man it looks like Chewbacca wiped his ass on your head I’m the next Michael Jackson, you smell like Betty White Here’s some aspirin, you’re catching Bieber Fever tonight Because my voice is incredible and your music is terrible Who even listens to Classical anyway? Even Elise wants to do me and now that you’re right next to me I can understand why they used a dog to play you in the movies Sit down, son, and let me give you a music lesson Ask Bach, I got more cock than Smith and Wesson Never say Never? You’ll never be forgetting I’ve crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages Your music gets you bitches on your Facebook pages I’m committing verbal murder in the major third degree My name is Beethoven motherfucker Maybe you’ve heard of me? Not the Saint Bernard Version, I’m the real O.G You wanna trade blows? You can’t even hit puberty! I got Kim Kardashian in my bed backstage When’s the last time your music got anybody laid? I’ve got a concert in five, so there’s not much time left What else can I say? Your own music made you deaf! I would smack you but in Germany we don’t hit little girls And I’m glad I’m deaf, so I can’t hear that piece of shit “My World” There’s a crowd of millions waiting to hear my symphonies You wanna be a little white Usher? Here, show them to their seats! Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! GEORGE WASHINGTON! VS! WILLIAM WALLACE! BEGIN! Theres a difference between you and me, Willy I fought till I was actually Free, Willy I got my face on a quarter You got drawn and quartered Tortured on the orders of a king, really? Howd you get beat by a dude named Longshanks? You hot dogged and he cut off your bean franks Im money like a national bank Aint nobody more street than Big G Stone face with a grill of sheep teeth A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy I got a state and a day and a D.C Roll up in a boat Youre sleeping, cut your throat Ill watch the blood flow, now whos got that Redcoat? Look at you in your little blousy outfit Looking like a stiffer white dick than your monument Ill knock you the fuck out, mate You died owning slaves, I died setting men free Thats the highland way, this powdered prick couldnt beat me in a foot race I was emasculated, eviscerated I had my head chopped off and they put it on a pike But I still find time to bust a Gaelic rhyme Ill rip your Yankee Doodle arse on the mic Ill knock your face off your moolah Alba gu bràth! Hoo-ra! Founding Father, but no children Crossed the Delaware, but your soldiers couldnt swim Thats Washington, such a shite tactician The fucking British Army didnt even want him Im Wallace! And Im flawless! Stay hidden in your office or suffer great losses I pop my kilt, strap my sword in my hilt Step on the battlefield and Im ready to kill Send all your politicians straight down to hell The only Washington I trust Denzel Is that the best you got for me? Ill chop down an emcee like a cherry tree See, power! Thats what the meaning of my flag is Your nations famous for golf and haggis Im fabulous from my head to my shoebuckle Step to me, and catch a knee to the mooseknuckle Cause I know you dont wear no draws Im dressed like a pimp, best moves in at the ball McGlavin, McGliven , McSchool you all Cock block more Scots than Hadrians Wall I dont give a shite about your fancy clothes You whipped all those out of slave black folks Grew weed and you made hemp rope But if you think youll beat me, you must be having a smoke No joke! Dont tee off with me, laddie If you held my balls, you couldnt be my caddie My styles ice cold, yours is old and shabby Youre the Father of Your Country, but Im your daddy WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC!! RAP!! BATTLES!! OF HAA!! STORY!!!!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! THE JOKER! VERSUS! PENNYWISE! BEGIN! In my first appearance, the bat was supposed to slay me But I can’t be killed, that’s why they cast a Phoenix to play me! I’m the Harlequin of Hate, the Clown Prince of Crime You’re a sewer troll that Stephen King wrote between his lines! It’s like cocaine, you know what I said I don’t know how any kind of joke could ever go over that head! They all float! says the quote, but your films, they all sink Oh, and as far as Mr. King goes, I’m a Shining man, wink! I make the Justice League look like just a bunch of super schlubs You lost to a herd of nerds who call themselves the Losers Club! You’ll be gobbled up in Gotham, so stick to your small town Where you’re renowned as the if it’s brown, flush it down clown Hiya, Jokie! You wanna rap? Rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap Oh, why so serious? You’re supposed to be the man who laughs But those jokes were like your new movie: , mostly really sad Beep beep! You’re a John Doe in my deadlights, and you’re about to fall from a new height ‘Cause you’re weak and you’ve lost every fight to a knight who wears underwear over his tights! I haunt nightmares and I’m ruthless This battle’s like poker, the Joker is useless Winnings not in your cards, call me Arkham Asylum, I’m crazy with bars! Jack Nicholson played you just fine, but lately the castings declined Jared Leto came out trying to look like he was Tekashi 6ix9ine! So unless you’ve got a yummy younger brother, I think you’d better run ‘Cause I’ve got 99 red balloons, bitch, and I dare you to take one Go back in your well, you giggling sewer ginger You lost to a turtle that wasn’t even a ninja When I flow I go Mark Ham with ill zingers! I steal the show like Bob Kane stole from Bill Finger! I spit acid, be wowed, every joke of mine stings! You’re three night lights in a cloud beat by the kid from Stranger Things! When I compare your antics to the fiendish schemes I revel in They pale like the moonlight you can dance with the devil in Pennywise likes the devil, we have so much fun together But no one’s dying to play with Joker...except for maybe Heath Ledger! Puddin, you’re an embarrassment, I’ll beat you like you beat Harley Quinn That purple suit...is something you...should only see Steve Harvey in! Ah, haha! I feast on your fears! I’m the Derry, Maine attraction every twenty-seven years But you know what? I have a secret It’s like a very special toy: If you wanna kill a Batman, eat him when he’s a boy Don’t you lay a finger on my Bat, you little freak! Or I will spend a whole week knocking out those prickle teeth! Tell your author, for his next gangbang scene How about a little more PG and a lot less 13? Even I wouldn’t stoop to that kind of impropriety! This is Earth you space demon, we live in a society! I’ve seen your movies so I know you don’t hurry But I’ll shoo you down the drain so fast they’ll call you Tim Scurry! Ask Robin if I drop bars, I take smiles and I leave scars! Guards at Arkham will admit that the Joker just killed IT! Arkham? Ha! You stole that from H.P. Lovecraft Who needs guards when you couldn’t even escape Cesar Romero’s mustache? You jester, I’m Montresor, ‘bout to make you my Fortunado And seal this battle up like it was the Cask of Amontillado! I spit January ember flames! You got beat by the Scooby Gang! I’m the John Wayne of John Wayne Gacys, the underground Clown Posse, my flow’s Insane! Poster boy for missing persons posters, Joker’s gonna float with me! ‘Cause he just messed with the best wall-eyed rapper since the Notorious B.I.G.! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP-BA-RAP-BA-BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ZEUS! VS! THOR! BEGIN! How dare you challenge my immortal throne? Im the father of the gods, put your daddy on the phone Maybe Odin could beg me for a truce, cause when Zeus lets loose Ill put your cross-dressing neck in a noose Im like Medusa, Ill stone a motherfucker if he looks at me wrong Im a bull, getting bitches with my swan schlong Im on point like Poseidons trident Rhymes colder than the frosty balls of your giants Allow Thor to retort, you shape-shifting rapist And get a taste of this Scandinavian greatness Brought forth by my raging thunderstorm force Cause I dont get nice, I get Norse Valhalla-atcha boy and well flyte it out But keep your Asgard up, I Ragnarök the house You tongue kiss your sister, thats grosser than a Gorgon Im the thunder down under, nailing Natalie Portman Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is? Youre ruthless to humans, your crew is like the Clash of the Douches Ruling over the Greeks, a people weak and frightened Id spit in your face but youd probably like it Only a mindless fool would knock the fathers of philosophy My Greeks built the bedrock of democracy With astronomy, they charted out the movements of my kin All the pimps on Mount Olympus and me the kingpin Let this sink in, Im about to rain on your parade Itchy trigger finger quicker with the bolts than Usain Youre history, Ill be the first to put it in writing MC Hammer just got struck twice by greased lightning Rain, old man? This is hardly a drizzle You couldnt give the women in my homeland the sniffles You can keep your astronomers, Ill sail with the conquerors For thousands of kilometers, discovering the continents Im alpha dog dominant, you cant beat me I will drop you like Greeces GDP Send you deeper underground than the depths of your Hades Now make like your daddy, and swallow my babies You think the underworld scares the ruler of the skies? Youre joking, Loki must have written your lines By the time Ive finished whipping you with wits and rhymes Youll need a lighter for your ship, cause a viking just died Your glory days are over, The Oracle shoulda toldya Ill kick your wrinkly dick back in your toga like opa Here, take these drachma for your eyes When you get to River Styx, tell your three headed bitch I say hi WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC...RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! JULIUS CAESAR! VS! SHAKA ZULU! BEGIN! Iwisa, meet Caesar, hes a commander Who thinks he can dance with Conan of the Savannah But when I go hand to hand with you, I go hammer Knock off his dome, wrap it up in his own banner Send it back to Rome with a message from the Zulu If you battle Shaka, this will happen to you If you cross that equator, youll head straight into a massacre And get fucked by more than just Cleopatra in Africa You talk a lot of shit for a man wearing a diaper I heard you had poison spit, where was it in this cipher? Cause all I hear is threats from a brute with no discipline And Im ruling over you like a boot full of my citizens And you should take your cow skin shield and hide under it Youre fucking with the most triumphant third of the triumvirate Im first of the Empire and the last of the Republicans And hunting you, accompanied by legions of my countrymen Ask my kidnappers if Im just a shit talker Doc J dunk on you like, Boom Shakalaka! So dont go rattling your sticks at me If I wanted to shake spears, Id waggle my biography Right Ive heard of your play, tell me how does it end? Oh yes, you get stabbed many times by your friends So, whatcha gonna do with your Roman swords? When the lines of your legions get gored by the horns Of the Zulu, warriors! Trained on thorns To dismember any emperors pasty white hordes I got the strength of a lion and the speed of a cheetah And everyone knows youre just a chicken, Caesar Oooh can I be a hyena? Cause Im going to laugh Ill pave roads with the bones of your goat herding ass First my front lines will drop back and spank you in the chest Then Ill decimate your horns, you cant outflank the best Let your reserves come at me, my ballistas cocked and When I take , I always keep my whole crew Because theres no use in murdering you and your heathen You can grow my wheat for me, after youre beaten WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP! RAAAAAAAAAAAAP! HOOROO! BATTLEEE BAATTLE BAAATLE! OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY GEORGE R.R. MARTIN! VERSUS! J.R.R. TOLKIEN! BEGIN! Brace yourself! Gather up your trolls and your soldier Elves! And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings Your Dwarves and Glamdrings Cause theres a new literary Lord in the Ring! My readers fall in love with every character Ive written Then I kill em Theyre like No! He didnt! All your bad guys die, and your good guys survive! We can tell whats gonna happen by page and age five! Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies! There’s edgier plots in that David the Gnome Your Hobbit-hole heroes can’t handle my throne Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves Horses, fortresses, magic and swords You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq! In book sales you’ve got nothing to say I’m number one and two, you’re under Fifty Shades of Grey I’ve got the prose of a pro, your shit’s subpar You’re a pirate, you even stole my R.R. Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy So yes, it’s true-to-life for characters to die randomly But news flash, the genre’s called fantasy It’s meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee I conscientiously object to what you’re doing on these beats I’ll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast You went too deep, Professor Tweed Pants We don’t need the backstory on every fucking tree branch I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme You LARPed your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam And it’s hard for me to take criticism on clothes From a dude who sends a raven to say Hi to his toes Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke My show’s the hottest thing on H-B-O! I’m rock and roll, you’re a nerdy little nebbish And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg Even the names of your characters suck You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing How you and Jon Snow... both know nothing! Because the backstory of my box office is billions Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions And I’m more rock and roll than you’ve ever been Don’t believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin You can’t reach this Fellow, shit, I’m Two Towering Every time I battle, it’s Return of the King WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DONALD TRUMP! VERSUS! EBENEZER SCROOGE! BEGIN! Wake up, Scrooge! Im about to take a Dickens of a dump On this lonely, homely little miserable grump Im like the star on a Christmas tree, youre like the stump Im not known for my heart but youre still getting Trumped You remind me of my ex-wife in a bikini, cause you disgust me Keep your TB from Tiny Timmy away from me, dont even touch me I dont shake hands, I dont make fans I ruin rappers faster than Scottish lands Even Jay-Z knows what a pimp I am I got my name on the front of the business, man! My rapsll haunt you, make you think youre going insane Youre about to get whooped by three emcees of the ethereal plane So when the clock strikes, prepare to enter a world of Christmas pain Cause Im out, I got my own fucking problems, call me 2 Chainz How dare you disturb me when Im napping in my chair Youre a crappy rap spitting apparition, I aint scared Of this random phantom, haunt all you want, I dont care I do not believe in ghosts and I dont believe that hair Dont panic, Scrooge, but youre about to crash Im J.P. Morgan, the Ghost of Rich Dudes Past Whos properly rocking the Monopoly mustache Yo, I own the railroad, I run these tracks You got dumped on a bench, now youre pissed at the world You should have made like Sebastian, and kissed the girl Because your greed is the curse thats gonna tear you apart What good is your purse if youre poor in your heart? Bah humbug! Your raps dont unnerve me, theyre atrocious What frightens me the most is your gross ghost proboscis Business and success, thats the life Ive selected So enough with your pictures from the past, Im not affected Well youre about to be right now Im the ghost of whats right now Just take a lesson from Yeezy You missing the point, Ebenezy Theres more to life than your work, take it easy Even I can make time for Azizy Best put some friends on your wish list Cause you dont know the spirit of Christmas If you did than you would at this moment Be sharing your money with some of the homeless No! This isnt happening Oh, this is maddening agony– wait! Actually, harkening back to the dead Donalds lecture I still am expecting a final specter! Boo! Youre gonna die With no one to love you and no one to cry Alone by yourself on the bed of your death With the stench of regret on your last dying breath Cause youve chosen the path of a selfish man With Tiny Tims innocent blood on your hands The penance you pay for the way you behave Is written as plain as the name on this grave Are these the shadows of things that will be Or things that may be, only If I depart from my course can they change Say it is thus with what you show me I promise to mend my ways A friend to all men is what I will become Its Christmas! I havent missed my chance to be different, God bless us every- WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Abe Lincoln vs Chuck Norris Four score and sixty-five years in the past I won the Civil War with my beard, now I’m here to whup your ass I’ve read up on your facts, you cure cancer with your tears? Well, tell me, Chuck, how come you never sat down and cried on your career? You’re a washed up has-been on TV, selling Total Gyms And you’re gonna lose this battle like you lost Return of the Dragon I’ll rip your chest hairs out, put them in my mouth I’ll squash you like I squashed the South I never told a lie and I won’t start now You’re a horse with a limp, I’ll put you down This isn’t Gettysburg, punk, I’d suggest retreating For I invented rap music when my heart started beating Chuck Norris doesn’t battle, he just allow you to lose My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth I’ve got my face on the side of a mountain, you voted for John McCain I’ve got a bucket full of my head and I’m about to make it rain You block bullets with your beard? I catch them with my skull I’d make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger, but I’ve never ever seen that show I am Chuck Fucking Norris! I’ve spread more blood and gore Than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch I split the Union with a roundhouse kick I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick I attack sharks when I smell them bleed I dont go swimming, water just wants to be around me My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster You may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone’s master Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MASTER CHIEF VS LEONIDAS! BEGIN! Spartans! Lets start this! Show this petty officer whos the hardest! The biggest mistake that youve ever made Ill toss you like a frag grenade Ill stomp you in the face with my sandals, enraged And tonight we shall rhyme in the shade Your puny fans are fat nerds on computers Jerking off to games, giving themselves first-person shooters Your armors hard, but my abs are harder Youre in my hood now, Chief This is Sparta! Not so fast Cortana says youre Greek So why dont you stick these lyrics up your ass? They built a monument to my sins Youre the soldier they need you to be Aint no way that you can beat me Even my initials spell M.C While you and your companions were all camping in a canyon Took a campaign to your house and showed your queen my plasma cannon They shoulda thrown your rhymes over the cliff because theyre sickly You will not enjoy this, but it will be over quickly Ha! Ive had better battles with my six-year-old son I dont need firepower when Im rockin these guns Im King, you sleep in a freezer in outer space Id look you in the eyes, but youre too much of a bitch to show your face! Youve got a bad case of no shirt there, Fabio Flintstone Your whole plan got messed up by a hunchback with down syndrome 300 asses needed kicking, give more teabags than Lipton So why dont you quit your bitching, my trigger fingers itching WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! BABE RUTH! VS LANCE ARMSTRONG! BEGIN! Before I let loose with this ruthless aggression Ill let you be the second fat woman hearing my confession I admit it, I did what I had to do to win! Im an athlete, youre a specimen of sin! With your drinking and smoking and choking down food I know French dudes with better manners than you! So swing, batter batter, show me what a fatter rapper can do, I beat cancer, I can sure as hell crack you! You lived strong, beat cancer, congratulations! Now Ill drop your ass faster than your own foundation Third base with an Olsen twin, thats the sin, face it! Shes just a little girl, whatd you give her, a bracelet? Whole nation knows you ride too tight in the crotch! Youre as boring as your Tour de France is to watch So come on, little buddy, dont look so pissed! With all that blood and attitude, youre like a menstrual cyclist! You set records before black men could compete, are you kidding me? Thats like having a pasta contest without Italy! Youre an orphan who found his way to fortune and fame Just think what you couldve done if you wouldve actually trained! Im the pinnacle of physical condition while you dip your stick in prostitutes and called it foul tippin Are you trippin? Youll be nothing but a skeleton Messing with the fellow in yellow who will be pedaling like hell up in the Peloton! Its the bottom of the ninth against the Texan in a bathing suit Filled with more artificial ingredients than a Baby Ruth It may be way too soon but Im calling my shot And Im not talking about those Italian syringes you brought! The Sultan of Swat will knock you right outta the park And round the bases to the sound of up-roaring applause While you hang your head in shame and disgrace because You got lost and forgot what real sportsmanship was! You look tired, kid, youve got Sheryl crows feet eyes Pedal home to France, and maybe bring me back some fries! Cause if you step to Ruth on the mic, Ill fan your fancy bike and all Yerr out, with three strikes, and just one ball! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! NAPOLEON! VS ! NAPOLEON! BEGIN! Gosh, I can’t believe how much of a little bitch you are When it comes to world leaders, you like literally lowered the bar I’ll rip your bones apart Bonaparte, Turn your horse into glue Welcome to the battle of Waterloo part two! I got skills I’ll put you in a half Horatio Nelson You’re the ugliest thing that’s ever failed in Russia since Boris Yeltsin You can keep your french fries, I got tater tots you gnome Why don’t you crawl back in your little shell and escargot the heck home How dare you address moi, you adolescent worm I am French! You are a buck tooth nerd with a perm! I spit at you harder than Tina the Llama Smacking your face till your lips swell up like Lafawnduh’s Doodle up some friends, you gangly freak show Before I toss you over the mountain like the dreams of Uncle Rico! This bastards about to see how bad a battle can be After this, your buddy Pedro will be voting for me! Why don’t you freaking exile yourself on your little island and hide Cause this is a rap roller-coaster you’re not even tall enough to ride I don’t even care how many like stupid Prussians you’ve killed Cause to me you’re just the emperor of the Lollipop Guild Sacrebleu! T’as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d’egouts I’m going to shove your moon boots right up your poop shoot I’ll whip you so bad, they’ll make a virgin meringue You’re the only type of dynamite that’s never going to bang! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! THOMAS JEFFERSON! VERSUS! FREDERICK DOUGLASS! BEGIN! When in the course of human events It becomes necessary for a battle to commence Then kplow! I hit em with the illness of my quill Im endowed with certain unalienable skills Let me run down my resume, will ya? Set up a little place called the United States Sound familiar? I told King George he could eat a fat dick When it comes to declaration Im the first draft pick Ill topple any tyrant, so kings and pirates beware Im so down with revolutions, I invented the swivel chair Ive many volumes on my shelves, its true But Ive yet to read the three books you wrote about YOU Looking like a skunk in a three piece suit Didnt come back from Paris to battle Pepe Le Pew First Secretary of State, VP number two Not to mention third president, the fuckd you do? You finished? ...Okay Straight outta bondage! A brainy mother fucker here to diss you Big hair, big nuts, big issues Starting with your nickel: theres a real declaration Heads for racist, tails for a slave plantation Youre a soft white Monticello Marshmallow Watching my people sweat while you sat playing cello, Hello! But now youre facing me, Freddy D Id never work for your ass, but Ill kick it for free Your stone face on Rushmore aint nothing Check my photos, now thats real muggin The face of a free man, taught himself to read, man No compromise, you couldnt whip a 5th of me, man! You got a self evident truth of your own You let freedom ring, but never picked up the phone! Oh Frederick, Ive never heard a verse I dug less Alright I admit it, I confess I participated in a broken system that I hated But I needed to keep my financial status situated And the words I used were hideous blot To describe the slave trade and the pain it hath brought And I fought to stop the trade of new slaves in Virginia When I ran the whole state and still made it home for dinner So forgive me, I was busy Man, I had a lot to do But we did it, youre free now So...we cool? This aint Louisiana man I aint buying it You talk about freedom, but you aint applying shit! So no, we aint cool You founding absentee father You had six babies with your slave mama And never even bothered To free her when you died On the 4th of July Its a very important holiday But what the fuck does it mean to this guy? Cause I celebrate December 6th, 1865 The day the 13th damn amendment was ratified And I ceased to be an alien to your unalienable rights And We, the People stopped meaning We the people, who are white! Man, you did some good things I aint denying your fame Im just saying, they need to put an asterisk Next to your name WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! JOE BIDEN! VERSUS! DONALD... It’s the DJT gettin’ it on The teflon Don on the White House lawn Against wimps like you, I’ll win a third term Your campaign’s like your family: crash and burn Think looting and violence will keep the MAGA movement quiet? Resist me? That’s a riot Why don’t you step behind the gym, I’ll be standing by We’ll see how tough you are against the 45 I shoot a hole through your whole party Bigger than the one I blew through Qasem Soleimani Then I go and I bone on Melania I’m gonna smash you, Joe, like China I’ve got all the best cognition, with all the top grammar I’m not a little girl’s shoulders, so you can’t touch this, MC Stammer You’re a disaster inciting hysteria You say I’m selling hate in America, you’re selling hatin’ America Like with Hillary, the people aren’t swayed You’re just Barack’s shadow, and I don’t really like the shade The pain of losing loved ones is something I have seen So I know how you must have felt when they killed Jeffrey Epstein Rap lyrics just ain’t for you You should stick to love letters for Kim Jong-Un You’re a wrestling heel! Nothing ‘bout you is real Bitch, you didn’t even really write The Art of the Deal But you tapped into the rage of Red Mad Hatters Well, let me tell you, Trump, all lies matter I don’t want to defund no police, I picked a DA for my VP I’m not a communist, I’m not a socialist I’m just an old-ass man with some decency No matter what you try to say, global warming ain’t cancelled You pulled out of Paris, should have pulled out of Stormy Daniels I ain’t sleepy, I’m tired Of you, Donald Trump, you’re fired! The only thing getting fired on my watch is tear gas from law enforcement I’ll keep America great, you’ll unleash Antifa and keep America like Portland Ain’t nothin’ gonna beat me! No person, woman, man, camera, TV Meh, they impeached me I still walked out of DC looking peachy You got the Sloppy, Joe, but no beef The only white privilege I see are those teeth Maybe teach your son a thing or two about life Like there’s no hunting season for your dead brother’s wife You and your masks and your Knight Rider shades Are getting revoked like youre Roe versus Wade There’s no Blue Wave! Forget it! Not coming It’s like I tell, criminals, Joe: stop running Was Breonna Taylor running? Hmm? You dog whistling fool? I think your Daddy would finally be proud of you: he was a racist asshole, too Что ты сделал? What’s this malarkey? Ох ебать! Keep at it and you’ll end up in jail, Hoss I’ll take you down like Im you, and you’re a mailbox From all your wives to the SATs Everything you ever did, you just had to cheat ‘Cause youre too insecure to even look like a loser You’re the worst damn Republican since Herbert Hoover But you scooped a sycophantic, homophobe Hoosier Then became the Constitutions domestic abuser 200,000 deaths lying at your door! And you think they’re suckers like McCain and the Marine Corps Sometimes I can’t tell for which side you’re rootin’ When we go high, you go down on Putin! Truth is, you’re scared to lose You got nothing in the banks ‘cept IOUs Y-Y-You whine about ballots like a bitch But the only thing that’s rigged is taxes for the rich Look, you’re a freeloader, change your name to Tramp My campaign’s ramping up, you can’t get down a ramp I’m pulling away faster than your wife’s hand For the love of democracy, will you shut up, man? WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU LITERALLY DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! J. ROBERT OPPENHEIMER! VERSUS! THANOS! BEGIN! I am inevitable, immeasurable, inexorable, monstrous With bars weighing on you harder than your haunting guilty conscience I am Thanos and I crush tracks like Tesseracts in my palm Youre a pencil-pushing Terran who never learned to love his bomb Seems you started off a chemist and on your world you were a prodigy Well, that makes sense because your rhymes are only hot periodically Man, I burned the Avengers down to embers, sent half your planet to be slaughtered And now Im offing Oppenheimer like I did to my daughter Got a fist of gold when Im rapping Six Infinity Gems what Im packing Stick your tiny nuclear dick back into your pants, Dr. Manhattan Hadron smashing all your atoms, best not collide with me when Im rhyming Cause you break and bleed so easy I think Ill call you Oppen-hymen Its impossible to top me, Oppie, you just dont have the stones Apparently the only thing youre good at wrecking is a home Cause you slept with your friends wife, right there in your friends bed Then got another married girl pregnant, you shouldve gone for the head Listening to you took everything I have left After your raps, I am become deaf You need an Iron, Man, for that wrinkly-ass skin And that butt-butt-butt-butt-butt-butt chin Wheres your rhythm? I thought you had the Time Stone Your punchlines sound like they came from RhymeZone You might be something in the MCU But between us, whos the worst MC? You Your dialogues got too many breaks in the syllables You talk so slow, Drax thinks youre invisible I cause chain reactions when Im lyrical Cause I got that fissile material You were born to Eternals, but came out looking so scary That your own mother tried to make you a temporary Meanwhile, Ive mastered the atom, more than any man alive Now Im here to split U like two and three from five Im a peaceful man, but I do what I must You had an evil plan, Thanos, and it left you in the dust It must leave you enraged when you compare our talents Because in this battle, there is no balance For a communist pariah, you come off as awfully cocky But Ill make you bend the knee in round two like Nagasaki Im the box office topper, the Marvel showstopper Got my name on this win like its the Thanoscopter You just got no answer for Fortnites dopest dancer I will Loki choke you out like my name was Throat Cancer You wanna talk about Death? How about the one that looked at you and swiped left? Im the destroyer of worlds You got your nuts handed to you by a Squirrel Girl Were in the endgame now, Tinky Winky Ill finish this like Ant-Man, all up in your stinky Anyone who believes that Thanos did nothing wrong crap Has obviously never heard you rap, oh snap WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC- snap Aw, man...

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! GANDALF! VS! DUMBLEDORE! BEGIN! You shall not pass! I rap fast like Shadowfax Tom Riddle me this you bitch, how’s your little wand going to beat my staff? I leave mics in flames torched by Gandalf Touch mine, Dumbledore and scorch your other hand off You fool, you got Snaped, You’re not a real fighter Death makes you die, it just make my brights brighter You ass is like Gringotts, everyone makes a deposit We all know you’ve more than a boggart in your closet The prophecy forgot to mention this day When I knocked your ass back to Gandalf the Grey Check your status they call me headmaster, you’re nothing Nice staff, you compensating for something? I prefer the company of wizards and I’m proud of it You try to win your battles with two fat hobbits You think your hairy toed friends are gonna harm me? Wait until they get a taste of Dumbledore’s Army Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks I don’t give a Fawkes about your Order of Phoenix I’ll tie a new knot in your beard with your wrinkly balls For I am the one rapper to rule them all Your spells are a joke, not funny ones either Mines of Moria? Ha! More like Mind of Mencia I’ll expecto my patronum on your face you little snitch And when I’m finished, Imma fly like its quidditch WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEE EEE EEE EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ROBOCOP! VS! THE TERMINATOR! BEGIN! Freeze I suggest you use your right to remain silent Before I show your Gobot ass some Detroit violence Im like an X-Wing commander cause I stay on target I take over these streets like Im a farmers market I wonder where the Cyberdyne research went That they couldnt fix your funky Hans and Franz accent They sent you back to kill a child, but hes defeating you still They should have made a time-travelling morning after pill And I didnt think I had any feelings left inside me But my heart was surely broken after Terminator 3 Im RoboCop, and I got the flow to beat roided out C-3PO I got the mic control like alt delete Your move, creep Wrong I have detailed files on the conclusion of your trilogy That movie failed Detroit worse than the automotive industry! I am T-800 Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 And Ill be sweeping up your robo-bits like paperclips when Im done My rapping attack is a massive dispatch of bazookas and gats and grenades That rapidly bashes your brains and dismantles that puny peashooter that fits in your leg Were not the same You peel away my perfect skin you find super computers You look like Krang wearing a cold-pressed juicer They left off your balls when your suit was created I still love you, Alex Bullshit! Your sex life is terminated Based on my detailed analysis of the lyrical structure of battle raps Its time for your next shit verse, and then Ill be back You dont know love, you dont know honor You only know a programmed robot boner for John Connor OCP gave me the skills to wreck this I cant help it if Im fresh Its my prime directive Ill punch through your face hole and rip out your vocal chords Then mail your space helmet back to Geordi La Forge! Nice try, but Im too quick on the draw What can go wrong for you will, creep; Murphys Law Chill out, dick wad, your emotions are wrecking your flow I couldnt find a decent rhyme in your line if I was in search mode Youre too slow, I blow more steam through machines than a barista Its Judgement Day, baby; Hasta la vista WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! Melts into silver liquid and transforms RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! BEN FRANKLIN! VS! BILLY MAYS! BEGIN! Im big Ben Franklin and this shant be pretty Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of Philly You couldnt sell Rick James a bag of crack, youre out of practice My victorys more certain than death or taxes Fact is youre a hack, wack QVC joke You peddle soap that cleans bird shit from my windows Ill craft a lyrical coffin and then spit the nails in Call me Arthur Miller son, cause its death of a salesman Hi Billy Mays here with a special TV offer Watch me crush this bald fat foppish founding father Ill take my awesome auger and sow your quaker oats Ill shoot your rhymes down like a regiment of red coats Im lord of the pitch and leader in home sales Youre just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail Bennys got kiten key but youre in for a shock When I strike you with bolts from my lightning rod cock Stop I protest these intolerable raps It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass Cause Im mint Im money Im an educated gentleman So join or die Bill cause its all about the Benjamin But wait theres more! Is there anyone out there who can finish this battle? Anyone...? Anyone...? I can You following me camera guy? Cause its about to get furious Youre gonna love my nuts until youre bi-focal-curious Your boy George chopped down trees; you couldnt break a piece of balsa Slap chop your face, make a double chin salsa Your styles so broke they call you Poor Richard Its bad enough I got to see you every time I tip a stripper Vince against a founding father is just too bad Cause after this America is gonna lose a Dad WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-picrapbattlesofhistory..

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! NICE PETER! VS! EPICLLOYD! BEGIN! Lloyd Ahlquist: This is one vid kid that you wont ever survive Ill beat you, dislike you then unsubscribe Youll be good at rapping some day, I promise bro But for now, just stick to editing that gay ass Monday Show Ill slaughter your water color unicorns, eat em for breakfast Then leak to YouTube your middle name is Alexis I can tell youre scared just from the body language Im reading You should start leaving, look, your hairlines already retreating Nice Peter? Whos that? No one gives two shits Everyone knows your page is just the place that rap battles live Dude youre really huge on YouTube, you got a great career But remember you got famous off of my idea Nice Peter: The battles were your idea to start with, thats no lie But Im the one who had the brains to let a midget play the bad guys Look at you or let me just tell you what I see Youre a short little sidekick, Ill call you mini-me I drew a mustache on your face and you played a mean Hitler Take the mustache away, you look more like Bette Midler You big tooth, chompy face, horse looking prick You and Bill OReilly can both suck my dick! Lloyd Ahlquist: Youre taller than I am but you look up to me The guy who got you your first job in comedy Nice Peter: I wrote your best verses for you, let you scream on the chorus Youve got as much music talent as Chuck fucking Norris Lloyd Ahlquist: You? A musician? Eh, thats kinda stretching You wrote eighty-seven songs with the same chord progression Nice Peter: You look like a thumb, whered you even come from? Its like Im battle rapping a fat version of Gollum Lloyd Ahlquist: Im gonna knock you right outta your little Superman socks You were nothing before you rode up on KassemGs jock Nice Peter: Man, you dont even have to say that kind of shit Fuck the rap battles and you, I quit! Kassem? Lloyd Ahlquist: Oh, shit! KassemG: Not only are you not gonna quit the rap battles Pete Youre gonna make them bigger, youre gonna make them better Youre gonna put them on their own channel Nice Peter: I guess we could make like a second season- KassemG: Yes, exactly! And you, whats your name? I wanna say Todd? Lloyd Ahlquist: Um, Lloyd KassemG: You should start a YouTube channel Lloyd Ahlquist: I have one- KassemG: Great! Nice Peter: But what am I supposed to put on my channel? KassemG: How about you make music Peter? You know, like you used to? Nice Peter: Okay, ow-

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! CAPTAIN KIRK! VERSUS! CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS! BEGIN! Arrivederci Imma leave before this battle begins Cause we both know in the end which of these captains gonna win I’ll show you how a real explorer handles a situation I’ll beat you so bad they’ll feel it in the next generation So bring it on! I’ll whip you like a Klingon My rhymes will burrow in your ears like The Wrath of Khan I’ve got a neck chop for Spock I’ll put my sword through Sulu Check into a Priceline Hotel and watch your fat ass on Hulu I’m the enterprising Captain James Tiberius Kirk Representing Riverside Iowa, planet Earth I hear you call yourself an explorer, but I’m just not having it You discovered a new world that was already inhabited Why don’t you boldly go someplace you’ve never gone before Like India, or any destination you actually set sail for You spaghetti eating fuck, how’s your spice rack doing? I’ll be chilling in my spaceship. Have fun canoeing You know, rapping against you, it’s not even fun It’s like somebody set your brains on stun I am the fabric of history, you are a fictional stain I’ll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain! Mr. Spock, beam me back to 1492 so I can beat this man like it’s my job We’ll see how Isabella likes my Captain’s log It’s Kobayashi for you, there’s no way you could win When your weak crew sees me approaching, they’ll be like, dammit it’s Jim I’ll double-fist-punch you, you slave making bitch Now, take your genocidal ass off of my bridge WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPICRRRRRRRRRAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! GORDON RAMSAY! VERSUS! JULIA CHILD! BEGIN! And thats how you make a perfect risotto Right, Mrs. Child, welcome to the grown-ups’ table Ive got exactly two minutes and you should be grateful Cause Im in the fucking weeds with all these shows to pitch I keep my ovens preheated and my pilots green-lit Im a seasoned skillet, youre a PAM-sprayed pan Ive got Michelin stars, youre like the Michelin Man Im rolling in dough, like Beef Wellington from hollering And Im shitting on you like Im wack flows intolerant Oh, isnt that a wonderful thing? A grumpy little chef who thinks he can bring Enough stuff to justify getting rough With the butter-loving queen of the bourguignon boeuf I rock hard as concrete on top of these bomb beats Been chopping the pommes frites since you sucked on your moms teats I served America dutifully, and I sliced lard beautifully I reigned supreme from shark repellent to charcuterie Go on and cross your arms in that b-boy stance And when it comes to haute cuisine, theres one F-word: France Heres a nice amuse-bouche, take a poor abused youth Set a thirty-year timer, voila! Huge douche! Youre a namby-pamby candy-assed pansy, Gordon Ramsay You couldnt rap your way out of a pastry bag, understand me? I laugh and create, you berate and destroy But fear, my dear boy, is less scrumptious than joy Im glad that you got that off your giant, flabby chest Id call you a Donkey but you look more like Shrek When the Iron Man chef busts a rhyme Ill open up on you like a fine red wine Im a culinary innovator, youre no creator Regurgitating French plates like a glorified translator Im fresh, youre past your expiration date Alright, fuck it, blue team, drop the bouillabaisse I’ve seen your little show and it sure aint pretty One part Big Bird, two parts Miss Piggy You cant test me with your fatty recipes Call your book Mastering the Art of Heart Disease I mean, its rubbish, look at page 408 Tell me, who the fuck wants to learn to cook calf brains? You call these rhymes raw? Theyre stale and soft Now, here, take this jacket… Now give it back and fuck off! Oh please, your defeats guaranteed Concede, Ive got this in the bag, sous-vide Michelin indeed, youve done well for yourself But as a person, you couldnt get a star on Yelp I could freeze a steak with those frosted tips Whats with that bitter taste in every word from your lips? You scream at women, but the fits that youre pitching Make you the pissiest bitch in the kitchen Ill pat you on the head, melt you, and stick it to ya Anythings good with enough butter, boo-yah! Oh, Im so glad you spent this time with me Now eat a dick, bon appétit WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! GEORGE CARLIN! VS! RICHARD PRYOR! BEGIN! Here we go, its George Carlin. Im a mad dog snarling I was born in the Bronx and brought up in Harlem Im dope at spitting bars and getting crowds hardy harr-ing! While youre the least threatening black dude since Carlton! Now, theres seven words you cant say on a TV set Well, this is the pissin fuckin cuntin Internet And my cocksucking motherfucking bits are the tits! Non-stopping brain droppings like my wit’s got the shits! So call this Pryor-hea: I doo-doo on you constantly! No pauses in my punchlines, no commas in my comedy! Youll be down for the count when this counter-culture counter man Serves you with a stand-uppercut you cant counter, damn! Im wilder than Gene when Im killing the beat! Youre steady taking second place, thats a Silver Streak! Any rap battles with you, I be winning em! Your styles like two drinks: its the minimum! Its your boy from Peoria, Illinois! One hand on my mic, one hand on my groin Cause aint no set tighter in this whole damn game Even the shit that I spit off the top: flames! My delivery is rupturing the tummies! You tell a joke and people go, Hmm, thats funny. My Mama was a prostitute and Grandma ran the brothel! Seen some shit but not as awful as your haircut debacle! Im the original brother to give the scene some color! The most iconic stand-up comic! Stand down, motherfucker! Hey, you forgot the Cos and you know its a mistake! I eat MCs for breakfast like theyre made of chocolate cake! Im the greatest... Whats wrong... whats wrong with my lip? Did somebody put something in my pudding? Im the... MC... They put something in the pudding. Its in the pudding... Oh, shut up, you stupid son of a bitch, you know you blew it! Id have attacked you two first but your hearts beat me to it! Cosby, you cant be here! Youre making people nervous So let me end you real quick like I was Hannibal Buress It turns out you were just like your sweater: monstrous! The men that I slept with only wish they were unconscious My sex jokes offend, you’re on the sex offender registry! Oh, who are you wearing now? Is that State Penitentiary? Enough with the roofies, let me move on to Rufus My jokes always had bite, you started out toothless And you just kept talking, you wouldnt shut up Honestly, Im glad you died. 14 specials was enough! And Richard, can we talk? Can I call you Dick? Like your fifth wife did when you remarried your sixth? At this point, Ive got more plastic than flesh But my Tupperware body couldnt keep your raps fresh! So dont throw down with Rivers! The flow is too relentless! I havent thrashed celebrities this bad since The Apprentice! Im closing this battle! No one else compares! The only place Im in the middle is on Hollywood Squares! Good morning, movie bombs! Nice shoulder pads, chief! Im a genie in a bottle for some comic relief! O Carlin, my Carlin, what can I say about you? Except I dont think youve had a good shit since 1962! Mork aged backwards and Joan, you must too! 80 years old but that nose looks brand new! Nanu! Yo Pryor, I Doubtfire makes a good shampoo Left you running down the street like Oh, no! Comedy aint easy, Ive played plenty of dumps And believe me, weve all hit plenty of bumps But now Ive got the Flubber flows thatll get the club jumping! You got second-hand raps. Found em Goodwill Hunting! Got more hair on my arms than a Monchhichi! And Ill finish this battle like its Jumanji! I love the prince, but youll never have a friend like me! Thanks folks, thats my time! Gotta set myself free! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC Laughter RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ELLEN DEGENERES! VERSUS! OPRAH WINFREY! BEGIN! Hey God, its me, Ellen, can I ask you a question? How do I tell my friend Oprah shes gonna get more whipped than Stedman? Ill make her head spin, when it comes to rhymes I got a penchant So battling me is your intention, I better mention Youre about to get licked by a lesbian Oh! Knock you off your throne, take a shot at everything you OWN I got the skill to make Doctor Phil say I think you better just leave her alone You can tell Rachel Ray that my favorite recipe Is chopping Oprah Winfrey up into a million little pieces Im the queen of TV and Im here to destroy ya So check under your seat, because I got something for ya! You cant even hope to be as half as dope as Oprah Ill attract my hands around your throat and Deepak choke ya! Girl, your shows a petting zoo, you do a week on kittens And you dance like a chicken who snuck into Drunk Kitchen You played a fish with brain damage, Im a nominated actress Name synonymous with power! Spell it forwards or backwards Yes, youve got that power , and yes Ive got those kittens I also feature puppies, talented children and mittens I like cute things that make people smile Make everybody feel good for a while Do a little dance and the crowd goes wild Kick you right back to the Miracle Mile I thought I told ya, your daytime reign is over Im jumping over Oprah like Im Tom Cruise on a sofa From ABC to LGBT, to NBC and now its all me Im the best MC and the biggest star Ill bite you in the ass like the tax on a free car Your mouth is writing checks your mullet cant cash, lady! Ill lodge my fabulous shoe up your suitpants, baby You follow my lead cause I paved the road for ya You drive behind me in a second-hand Porsche Check the Fortune 500, Im a media wonder The Dalai Lama and Obama memorized my cell number Try to beef with me, Ill make the whole market crash Honey, once you go Oprah You cant go back WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! YOU DECIDE! YOU DECIDE! YOU DECIDE! YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ASH KETCHUM! VERSUS! CHARLES DARWIN! BEGIN! Darwin wants to battle? Doesnt seem like a fight But this should be fun! Ive yet to catch a ghost type Got the highest speed stat, drop rhymes lightning fast Open my pockets and go on your ass Cause Im Ash! And thats A-to-the-Shush! I dont care how many beetles and butterflies you squooshed Your earthworms can’t beat these magical beasties Your shit-talking mouth is the Origin of Feces Youve got candy raps, Reese’s Pieces In this ecosystem, I’m the dominant species When it’s time to train, I turn to Pikachu. But when I need a weak verse, I choose you Hello there, welcome to a world called Earth Where actual minds do groundbreaking work If you’re looking for the fittest, I’m the natural selection You’re so ineffective, you couldn’t even turn eleven What you spit’s just not hard-hitting enough It’s kid stuff, you’re soft like a Jigglypuff You got no Game Boy, so you’ll get the broom quick The real Ash packs a much bigger BOOMSTICK I’m a masterful naturalist What Ive glimpsed will outclass all the crap on your laughable list My research reversed the first words of the Church You measure your worth by the sales of your merch! Yo, um… real quick This dude spent eight years studying barnacle dick Kick it! You think I’m impressed by your boat trip? Please You’re the most annoying thing on a Beagle since fleas You’re a glitchy old man best left out at sea Set sail and Galápago-suck on these Look, Mighty Morphin Michael Vick Your animated slave fights make me sick When I battle a foe from so simple a beginning I’m not Charles Sheen but I am Dar-winning Man, if that’s true, then nature is cruel Cause the only thing you’re winning is your cousin’s gene pool You lost three children while they were still small TB and scarlet fever, gotta catch ‘em all It took millions of years for mankind to evolve Now they’re hunched over cellphones playing with your balls And it was hard losing my daughters and their brother As hard as the wood that Oak gave your mother WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC… RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Ghengis Khan vs Sigh The Easter Bunny Begin How you gonna battle? I invented hip hoppin! My little tail swinging and my big ears floppin The Easter Bunny baby, I deserve to be arrogant You ugly, rapist, pelt wearing barbarian Ooh, what you gonna do? You’ve got a bucket on your head and a fu manchu! The Great Wall couldn’t keep you out of China Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina Ha, ha, ha, come on! Your bunny ass about to feel the wrath of Kahn Silly rabbit, you’ll need more than luck You’ve got two giant ears, but can’t hear that you suck I drive a Mongol horde. Your army is weak! What? You going to attack me with a posse of peeps? I’ll bite off your tail and punch your teeth down your throat Then butcher your family, and make a new coat Take it easy baby, no need for this meanness We should keep it peaceful, homeboy, Jesus! I give people candy, you just like to pillage Why don’t you get out of my face and go back to your village From Poland to Korea, I ravaged the land Now my DNA’s in dudes From New York to Japan, Hah! Easter, my ass, you’re not in the Bible You’re a fluffy bitch mascot for Hallmark in denial Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY GUY FAWKES VS CHE GUEVARA BEGIN! Guevara the terror, fresh Kangol wearer Ill rhyme slayer from the 60s era Revolting heavy metal rebel blood spiller Me and my guerrillas are a squad of killers I’m known worldwide for my steely-eyed look Youre famous cause of Alan Moores third best book All the children say we will be like Che Asthmatic, but I’ll take your breath away gasp You tried to rebel against James the first Heres a tip for your next plot, try to rehearse! I got my face on a magnet on your roommates fridge Your head is on a spike up on London Bridge! You had one job cabrón, to strike a matchstick Got caught with a fuse like your bars, not lit You should have stayed anonymous, Epic Fail Guy Treat this battle like the gallows and take another dive As a communist it must really hurt That your face has been cheapened, weakened, besmirched Being plastered on posters, coasters, and shirts Making capitalists rich off of you on merch Right, Im a pious man and I fight for the lord I would cut you but I dont want your sweat on my sword I was tortured until I could hardly sign my name And listening to you felt pretty much the same Face it, Ernesto, youre Castro but less so Hes Cuba Commander, youre more of the Destro Revolt all you want, I don’t give two Guy Fawkes But look at Venezuela; what you’re fighting for sucks Sucks? Guy, you died for the Catholics A group with a bad touching little boys habit And this porn star pilgrim look whats up with that? It’s more like V for very bad hat Oh! Whats the Fawkes say now? When they cut your junk out Im the hardest Marxist ever graced a banknote Youre an error prone terrorist penny for the scapegoat Don’t try to boast bout your banknotes with Guido You muddled your economy like mint in a mojito This very battle disproves your communist initiative These rhyme skills are not evenly distributed Im Catholic, Ive got mass when Im rapping Youre an ump-Che, thats Bay of Pigs latin After what just happened you should retire Is it the 5th of November? Cause Im on fire! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Kim Jong-il vs Hulk Hogan Begin The name’s Kim Jong, I got a license to ill Make you swallow my rhymes like a steroids pill Your body looks like a spray tan banana With a walrus mustache and a wack bandana I’m coming at you like the Asian Ric Flair Bitch, I’ll suplex you by your friggin dick hair! Your whole fam’s a bunch of Barbies, dude You want beef? Eat this Korean BBQ! You got a ring side seat to your own smackdown, brother You look like Sonic the Hedgehog’s mother You’re a freak, a phony, a rice-a-roni jabroni I’m gonna bounce you like a check for my alimony Come on dude, all the little Hulksters know I’ll hang you from the ropes like South Park puppet show I’ll choke hold you hostage like Laura Ling Brother I’ll leg drop your ass back to Beijing! Beijing is in China, you blond asshole I’m a god among men, you’re a suburban commando North Korea, bitch, let me give you a tour By the way, your wife says my dick is bigger than yours! Hulk Hogan goes down! I don’t know if he can finish the battle... He’s reaching for the ropes! Its.. Its Macho Man Randy Savage! Ooh yeah, it’s about to get real Watch me snap into a Slim Jim Kim Jong-Il I don’t like to hit little bitches with glasses But when midgets step up, I stomp midget asses The Macho Man, there is no equal So spend less time rapping and start feeding your people PUNK, I’ll elbow drop your whole nation On behalf of the entire World Wrestling Federation! Ooh Yeah! Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

Epic Rap Battles of History John Lennon vs Bill OReilly Begin Help! Youre making my ears bleed, you need a muzzle Why you pissed off all the time? Didnt your mom give you a cuddle? Youre the type of guy who could die of heart attack just in the shower You need to chill out for a minute, and smoke weed for an hour Every time I watch your show, all you do is scream at me And your face looks like a shit I took, high on LSD Im John Lennon, Im a legend, I can see through all your tricks I wonder how much George Bush paid you to suck his dick You fucking long hair, living in your Yellow Submarine Well, youre about to get sunk by the right-wing political machine Stop your presses, Lennon, you call me Mister Bill OReilly When it comes to squashing limeys, I come recommended highly Youre weak; between you and me, theres no comparison Ill beat you so bad, youll weep gently like George Harrison Youre Paul McCartneys bitch, with less talent than Ringo And Id rather suck George Bushs dick than Yoko Onos Well, you cant buy me love, but Ill kick your ass for free Ill take Maxwells silver hammer and give you a lobotomy Im tired of how you scheme to stir the people up Why dont you just take a vacation and shut the fuck up? Cause Im evil, heart blacker than Don Cheadle Ten-thousand dollar shoes I use to stomp out a Beatle Dont tell me to shut the fuck up, thats how I survive Now heres Sting—what? Fuck it, well do it live!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! WONDER WOMAN! VERSUS! STEVIE WONDER! BEGIN! Wonder Woman fly, Im about to tell you why Princess Diana, but this Lady dont die My rhymes are signed, sealed, and delivered on time Youre a bald has-been, Im in my Amazon Prime I tell you what I say, you bit your style from Ray! The grin and the shades and the king cobra head sway Gods made me out of clay, then they broke the mold Im like Geena Davis, in a Justice League of my Own I Just Called to Say that you need to ditch the hair beads Lookin like the Predator after some chemotherapy But dont be scared, I let bats down easy So you dont gotta worry bout a thing, little Stevie I feel like this is the beginning But you have sucked for a few thousand years Im a man who comes from a higher ground And Id say DC is a whole step down Ive been spitting out hits since both Fingertips So use the tip of your fingers and read my lips Now how you gonna talk about a bat being blind? You need to echo-relocate to the 4th of July Because youre Miss Independent, or at least you try But your first story is you running off with a guy Now let me tell the truth cause I know you got the lasso You got that wack flow, Sufferin Sappho! Im the ceremony master, blaster with the bars And I got more Grammys than your panties got stars Well, Im a Woman who wonders what youre thinking Some of your records make me wish you started drinking Even if I stick to the best selections Your YouTube videos raise some vision questions Your ignorant questions could never cause as much pain As never knowing how stupid you look in your airplane Youre a misguided, C-minus-on-the-Bechdel-Test joke And my worst song is better than your best TV show Look, I dont wanna judge a Talking Book by its cover But of the vegan buffet, youre a Full Time Lover And a part-time father, from what Ive discovered Nine different kids with five different mothers You couldnt walk in my shoes, so stick to your reboots With plots so thin even I could see through Its not a superstition, I believe you got dissed Not even your tiaras coming back from this! Haha! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Epic Rap Battles of History Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga Begin Oh boy, look what we have here A transvestite with a keyboard trying to be freak of the year Your voice sounds like a rooster having sex with a frog They put a lot of lipstick on you but you still look like a dog Put down that teacup honey, go put on some pants and Stop letting little monsters teach you how to dance and You may be Gaga, but you aint a lady at all Ive seen those outfits youve been wearing That takes big balls I think Id rather elect a smurf than vote for you Governor of Alaska? Thats like the principal of a home school! You are the sum of everything I despise With the most dysfunctional family since the Jackson fucking Five Just trust me, your fifteen minutes of fame came and went Go back to your igloo, spend some time with your kids before theyre pregnant Your frigid little body couldnt even handle what I do I think the truth is, Sarah, my music just scares you Your music doesnt scare me, Im a mother of five! I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive Everything you do is just a rerun of Madonna Your fans are in a frenzy like a bunch of gay piranha! I sound more intelligent than you when I fart I wonder if you even know how to spell the word art You dont belong in politics, you belong in a hockey game History will regret you like John McCain Who won? Whos next? You decide Epic Rap Battles of History

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ELON MUSK! VERSUS! MARK ZUCKERBERG! BEGIN! Call me Musk , Im here to help Flush a Zuckerturd for humanity’s health Im making brilliant innovations in a race against the dark ages You provide a place to discover your aunts Kinda racist Got called to Senate Data hack You acted so robotic, Star Trek’s like: We need Lieutenant Data back! Im Tony Stark with a James Bond sprinkle tossed in And Ive been flossing since you double-crossed the Winklevoss twins Hmm, Data was a Lieutenant Commander, to start But, I wouldnt expect you to understand an org chart See, heres mine: Im at the top , boss And Im spitting fire like Im hot sauce You can’t sneak up on Zuck, I don’t even fucking blink Im the CEO of KNOWING WHAT YOU THINK, INC I’ve been looking up your family, it gets dark, my god! Couldnt clean your daddys laundry with apar-Tide-pods Watch me: Oculus, Instagram, WhatsApp Im cleaning up like a Wet-nap! I drive around in a hatchback I’ll end your story like Snapchat Elon youre nothing but an attention-seeking outcast And your star is faded like you on a podcast Dope smoking with Joe Rogan dont slow motion my pace, man When Im conquering MySpace, its actual space, man! I got a loan from the White House Sent that shit straight to the moon Now Im taking mankind to Mars, but for your kind man? I aint got room Your platform only launches depression Who put the elf with no friends in charge of human connection? You claim to be some kind of saint, but you aint Why dont you Lean In and FaceMash my musky Dutch taint Im destined to rep Earth, you sold us out for some net worth Your site got so many Russian bots they should call it the Social Nyet-work Ooh, bots! I know A.I. gets you tweeting I read your feed while eating toast from robot Morgan Freeman You need to start sleeping, we can all see youre tired Youre about to be CE-Oh shit, he got fired! Youve got all these companies but theyre incomplete Ive got one and I fold money: income, pleat Set your self-driving truck to haul your ass home Cause this battles like Paypal: you got owned! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? Y-Y-Y-YOU DECIDE! EPIC R-R-R-R RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! RICK GRIMES VS WALTER WHITE BEGIN! Carl stay back this is gonna get bad Im bout to show this lab rat how to be a real dad A grade A MC, wholl ruin your A-1 day Cause Sheriff Grimes rhymes dirty like my armpit stains Im a post apocalyptic cop whos got a lot of issues Pop a cap in you and splatter the brain you misuse Cooking up blue Sky and bigger lies for Skyler Hatching little schemes like a dying MacGyver You tore your family apart, sin by sin Where I live, it happens literally limb from limb So write this down in your pancakes so you wont forget it I kill zombies that are better men than you before breakfast I dont know what you think Ive done But if we were to battle, Ive already won Ask Gus, you dont wanna face off against me Ill stuff you in a barrel, and make a dude smoothie , your sense of duty gets your group into some deep doody Always getting saved by some samurai booty Im a kingpin, cooking crystal in the middle of the day Having dinner by the pool with the DEA Run you over with my Aztek, GTA If you ever try to stop Heisenberg getting paid Heres a hot dose let me watch you choke on the truth You look up to me like Im a pizza on the roof Cause youre a loser, a failure to your whole entire crew Ive seen Walter Jr. handle walkers better than you Carl! I said stay back with the others While I finish this bitch, like you finished your mother You aint the danger to me Walt, so knock all you want I watch you get eaten on my fing front lawn Your monsters dont frighten me and you can bite me Ill be standing right here in my tighty Walter Whities Ill bury you faster than your partner stole your whole life No one saw Shane coming, except for your wife WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... AUGH... AHHH... AUUUUGHHHH, AHH AUHHH-EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! LEWIS AND CLARK! VERSUS! BILL AND TED! BEGIN! You cant be starting with Lewis and Clark Cause we cut a path through emcees like a walk in the park And give em back a whole stack of maps and accurate charts Showing exactly where our footprints on their buttocks are marked Were two travelling wordsmiths spitting hotter than a furnace And well own you on the mic like the Louisiana Purchase! Youre worthless. Your future selves shouldve told you that Now go back in time and give Doctor Who his phone booth back We discovered bears and beavers and prairie dogs and weasels Rattlesnakes and catfish, owls, larks and eagles And plus flora galore! And according to our observations These two dickweeds right here are severely endangered We inspired pioneers and travelers near and far You inspired air guitar and Dude, Wheres My Car? We conquered much greater dangers in our trek through Mother Nature So step off, but tell Bills stepmom dont be a stranger Bills mom is hot, but that joke was most heinous Ive heard better insults dropped from Socrates anus Thats my stepmom, Ted Lets keep it excellent between us And show these boy scouts how it goes in San Dimas Were quick when we spit like Billy the Kid with his guns And youll be verbally kicked in the nut-Sacagawea-puns A teen mom carried you and your troops They shouldve let the baby lead, and put you in the papoose And if those native dudes knew what white dudes were gonna do They woulda stopped you in Dakota They should totally Sioux Why dont you go back to exploring Napoleons old swamps Or youll discover your Corps most triumphantly stomped Did you hear that, Meriwether? I think they mean to brawl Ill take Neo. Ill take the one that no one knows at all From the Falls of Black Eagle to the Pacific We put the dis in dysentery cause we spit sick Without Rufus youd be useless on all the trails we blazed You couldnt navigate your way out of a Circle K Send over Garth and Wayne, because you turkeys arent worthy Suffering your raps is a most bogus journey Man, they totally burned us. I feel like such a doofus What do we do? I dont know Be Excellent Rufus! Hes right, dude. We dont have to take this kind of abuse From some Paul Bunyan dudes in potato sack shoes You rode a river one direction; we travelled four dimensions Rescued bodacious babes, and get back for detention Ive seen your future, Mr. Lewis and I dont wanna be rude But spoiler alert: You totally kill yourself, dude So we offer you peace with these resplendent medallions And we claim this battle for the Wyld Stallyns! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! Grizzly bear growls Huh? Bear continues to growl Eh... RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! DAVID COPPERFIELD! VERSUS! HARRY HOUDINI! BEGIN! Youve never seen a body quite the same as that of Houdini! Slippery like linguine, sneaking out of teeny-weeny Little spaces small enough to fit your talent, David Youre not a challenge, David Your biggest endowments your bank account balances, baby! So abracadabra, you billowy bitch Man, you look like a pirate on a Las Vegas strip Im swallowing needles and spitting out evil You couldnt escape from a flash paper bag Im badder with patter and matter of fact You cant match all my skill if you sawed me in half When I was a child, you were a god to me I had to do what you do But now youre like a Chinese wall to me Bitch, Ill walk right through you This aint the magic that youre used to I float a rose, hands free, like its Bluetooth My grand illusions make your parlor tricks irrelevant The foot of Lady Liberty is stomping on your elephant You failed at making movies and you failed at making kids You should stick to what youre good at and lock them lips Heres a tidbit that might drive you nuts I bought half of your shit, and I keep it locked up Got the slim fingers that were built for sleights Youre a chunky stuntman; dressed in tights You talk shit about your hero; that aint right But you can look up to me now; I know you like heights Ah! Your hack of a Bob Saget-y act is embarrassing Youre the saddest thing to happen to Magic since The Gathering Im hanging by my ankles, on a crane I dangle I got lox on my bagel that you couldnt handle Smash your mirrors while your flying wires tangle You cant hide shame with a camera angle Did somebody say Angel? No Oh See what theyd be watching if it wasnt for me? I remind the world that magic is supposed to make you happy While you waste time proving everybody wrong Im backstage getting my supermodel groove on You should relax, take a private trip To my private island, suck my private dick I summon up a little Halloween brunch Deep-fried sucker with a side of punch WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC. RAP. BATTLES... ...OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! JACQUES COUSTEAU! VERSUS! STEVE IRWIN! BEGIN! Jacques Cousteau, here to spit flow Invented SCUBA, captained the Calypso Palme d’Or winning documenter of the ocean Ready to battle a desperate, sweaty showman You’re chunky and soft, you get on my nerves Youre the only manatee I don’t want to conserve My Life Aquatic was adventure and beauty I’m so cool, Bill Murray played me in the movie I have Oscars! You’re in Doctor Dolittle 2 So run back home to your daddy’s zoo And just to be clear, ‘cause I’m no veterinarian: Were you killed by a fish kids pet at the aquarium? Holy smokes, what a place to go! You’d need a submarine for a blow that low Youd better run! You’d better take cover! Cause crikey, I’m going from croc to Jacques hunter! Have a look at this salty fella: His face looks like it’s made of pure leather! Look out! He’s got the body of a naked mole rat He’s cranky ‘cause he has to wear a Papa Smurf hat I’m a wild man, you’re a subdued sub dude The only crocs you could handle are some slip-on shoes Crikey! You’re such a boring guy You could make a whole show about the ocean dry But with the sheilas you sure had fun Your mistress was as young as your first-born son You never shoulda stepped to the wildlife defender Now embrace your French nature and quietly surrender Talk about sons, better watch what you say now You almost turned yours into Outback Mistake House! Would you rather talk about your brother? Ooh boy Nazi! Nazi! Nazi! Oy yoy yoy! Enough of your antics and madness! Contain yourself, like my underwater breathing apparatus You’re a joke of a bloke in a tacky khaki romper Go grope a nope rope, Crocodile Humper There’s a type of snail, recently discovered And named after you — I’ll eat them with butter! Hey Skippy The Bush-League Kangaroo Hold the dee, I’m Crocodile Dun with you! Where ya goin, fella? Hang on a minute Like a Joey in a pouch, this ain’t quite finished Take a look how destructive your old films are Silent World? More like Silent Worldstar! If you wanna count fish, please take the reef tour Don’t go throwin’ C-4 on the seafloor I’m the gold medal rhymer on the podium Cleanin’ you up like a Jacques Custodian I’m Mother Nature’s greatest conservationist When I rock the mic, I’m danger! Danger! Dangerous! So go back down under with your crew I just blew through you like a didgeridoo WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! WOLVERINE! VERSUS! FREDDY KREUGER! BEGIN! 1, 2, Freddys coming for you 3, 4, better lock your-lock your-lock your-lock your Welcome to primetime, bitch Better stay awake like a meth head Spread red on your bed spread ’til youre lying there on your deathbed You got a healing factor? I got a kill-bitches-on-the-ceiling factor! Under that mask, youre a singer/actor Under my skin I’m a slasher/slasher Bitch! I come from Wes Cravens twisted mind! You come from comic books that kids get when theyre well behaved at Christmas time! Flock of Seagulls called They want their hairstyle returned And that wasnt even my main diss It was just a side-burn! Nice glove, bub But Im real from bones to teeth That claws like a strap-on Theres a pussy underneath. Dont sleep? That’s all you got for me? Could defeat your ass with a cup of tea I been to hell and back and whooped Satan’s ass You got beat by a Nancy on Elm Street! You wanna talk about burns, Mac? The PTA turned your face into Deadpools ballsack Wrapped in a Where’s Waldo sweater Jason cant talk and he rocks the mic better! So step into my catnap! See if you can hack that! Better hang on to your wack hat Cause your worst nightmare aint Hugh Jack shit Compared to the least of my Weapon-X flashbacks! I’m the adamantium champion X-Man Youll only ever be half of Edward Scissorhands! So dont get me more pissed, chump Ill take your whole franchise out with a fist bump! Look at the size of your body; how could I possibly think Im in trouble? I cant tell the difference between your action figure And your stunt double! Whats the matter? You look tired, eh? Ill be in your bed tonight, unlike Jean Grey As for me? Im a chick magnet So heavy metal bitches are real attracted What the fuck is a wolverine? Some kind of an angry beaver? I was more intimidated by a tiny canadian the first time I saw Justin Bieber! That verse stung, bub But Ive already recovered Ill call you tomorrow morning If I need my toast buttered I aint got time for this! Im saving the world, what qualities do you bring? Youre a pedophile from the Midwest At least R. Kelly could sing! So youve got the wrong room if youre looking for fear Only thing that scares me is a fridge with no beer! That face tells me youve met your match So come back if youve got another itch to scratch WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! TONY HAWK! VERSUS! WAYNE GRETZKY! BEGIN! I can skate better than this church boy turd can Not Cash Money, its just Wayne versus Birdman You got your whole league to protect and adore you So which goons gonna take this battle for you? Im the dude who blew up extreme sports That nose looks like its seen extreme snorts I mean, look at that thing, that slope is gigantic Even I wouldnt fly off a ramp that titanic And all the ice underneath you will be melted into water When I hit you with a trick thats even hotter than your daughter Youre old and youre basic, your talent is faded And Oiler alert: youre about to get traded I drop rhymes like Im dropping into a half pipe Ill thrash this asswipe, hit you like a hash pipe Keep your mittens on, Gretzky, youre too clean I got this covered like gravy on poutine That verse was rough; damn, Tony So let me smooth it out, like Im a damn Zamboni Im the greatest ever when I play hockey But on the microphone I dont play, Hawkey This is a street fight, T-Hawk, show some respect If you dont, then youll catch a slap shot to the deck And I take a Flyer down, bird, youre getting wrecked So you best prepare for arrival and cross check Hey, let me tell you what putting a puck in the nets worth Double what you bank in bucks, check my net worth And my hot wife, the only woman in the world for Wayne Youre on your fourth wife, talk about the X-Games There was one big trick that you ever did Then you got out-spun by a 12-year old kid Oh, you like finger flips? How bout one of these? Sit on this and rotate 900 degrees Great one, Wayne; let me say something, Wayne I got 99 problems and you aint one Wayne Youll catch a pop-shove it to the mullet if you tempt me Your threats are like my swimming pools, bruh, empty Lets skip the kickflips and McTwists Youll be speechless after three periods like an ellipsis This goofy-footed geek straight getting smoked Got you down on your kneepads, sorry bout the deke joke You should hit the buzzer cause its time to change lines You put that joke in a top shelf of lame rhymes This aint typical sports, I use centripetal force While you prance around in four-pound icy diaper shorts I try to watch you on TV, but I cant see the puck Hockey used to have guts, but now the teams mighty suck I taught kids around the world that theres nothing they cant do Put more souls into skating than some Vans shoes Time out; lets talk about athletic achievements You and I have so many world records between us 184, thats plenty of them And I set 183 of them! Undisputed, unrefuted G-O-A-T Youve been going downhill since Pro Skater 3 And Im too far ahead for you to catch up For true sports fans, this was finished as soon they heard the match up WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! RONALD MCDONALD! VERSUS! THE BURGER KING! BEGIN! Welcome to BK! How can I serve ya today? One flame broiled ass clown? Have it your way! You cant do fast food half as good as I do Your pink slime meat turns my asshole to a drive-thru! Youre played out like a Chuck-E-Cheese Token Your styles like your ice cream machines: broken Im dropping Whoppers thatll knock you off the menu! Call you Ronald Donald, cause theres no MC in you Why dont you call me Ronald Jeremy? Cause Im getting nasty Like the whoppers you sell made of horse lips and ass meat Ask Rick and Morty whos the lyrical boss Ive got lines for days, call me Szechuan Sauce The undisputed G.O.A.T of putting burgers in bellies Im fast food Eminem, youre Machine Gun Kelly Im Coke to your Pepsi, Im Mac, youre Android Lets be real, Im Nice Peter and youre EpicLLOYD Youre number one like the whizz I took in your ball pit Them rhymes you just spit are a Ray Kroc of shit! You spooky ass clown, youre so creepy its insane! You look like you just ate someones brother in a storm drain! You cant beat the king with your crew, please! The whole head of your governments name is Mayor McCheese! I aint loving shit, even if Timberlake sings Im running circles round you like my onion rings! But that verse was lifeless! You had no joy in it Last rapper this plastic had a Happy Meal toy in it Im serving billions and I cant be beat Youre a bin full of lettuce, facing da feet Using Cheetos, dude? Get your recipes together, man Ive had the same fries since I was Willard Scott the Weather Man Im the best trash talking mascot in town You might be the king, but a clown wears the crown! (Wheres the Beef? Right here! Wheres the Beef? Right here! Wheres the Beef? Right here!) Show me two losers old enough to be my daddies And Ill square off with em like the corners of my meat patties Its Wendy! The hip-hopping Pippi Longstocking No flows as Frosty as the salad bars that Im dropping Im topping you two like plain baked potatoes Exploiting you both like you were growing my tomatoes King, youre creepy and youre always second fiddle Your breakfast croissants are even worse than his McGriddle! And McDonalds gave your job to a box with a face Left you behind like a quiet kid in a PlayPlace Im the fast food Queen, mean with a tweet sesh Leave opponents frozen cause I always keep my beef fresh! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP om nom nom nom nom nom BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! BRUCE BANNER! VERSUS! BRUCE JENNER! BEGIN! Ill school you in this battle of the baddest Bruce With your He-Man haircut and your Daisy Dukes I hear youre good at running, youre just like the Flash Especially in the hundred meter ditch your wife dash Im an ace in the lab, acid, base, and treble So let me break you down on a molecular level You turned one gold medal to a lifetime of green The most overrated athlete anyones ever seen You need to carry fatherhood across the finish line Kept up with the Kardashians, but left some kids behind Run along youll thank me, cause Im getting kind of cranky And trust me, you wouldnt like me when Im angry I think youre in your element when youre behaving badly Honestly, youre kinda Boron when youre happy Ill lap and pass your ass ten different ways Decathlon athlete, blast through you like some gamma rays The truth is, there’s no truce between the Bruces You’re a drifter being useless, I’m a winner, no excuses Beautiful women all up on my jock I got a home gym, check me on the cereal box, doc You big green freak, don’t try to flex If it wasn’t for your cousin, you’d never have sex You’re so strong when you get mad Too bad you can’t go back and protect your mom from your dad Ahhh! That painted face dont give you class Just one more thing Bruce do for cash Best thing you make? Kylie ass She eighteen? Hulk smash! That’s my teenage daughter, man, I have to forbid this I’ll put a javelin through your jolly green discus Kylie not the type of girl Im gonna let you smash on You’ll get the medal without the decathlon Hulk is Hulk, no identify as man Me thinks Cait might understand No gender issue, this Jenner issue Just you being you is enough to diss you Look, I understand that you hate yourself But you don’t need to blame yourself You a tiger, stop trying to tame yourself You gotta be big enough to contain yourself And get hit with a little forgiveness Be green, that ain’t none of my business But if you think you’re looking good in those torn-ass clothes You’re lyin, which means you need a new wardrobe Oh! The vision of those shorts kinda scarred me What, you just rage at a Barney-themed party? That’s probably not something you seen as a child Not one day did you see your daddy smile Hulk not strong enough to deal with denial Laying you down easy, that’s kitchen tile Examine this under your microscope You got no neck, but you still fucking choked After battling me, you’re gonna always be pissed So the Hulk will stay forever, neither Bruce will exist WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP! BATTLES! OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! MOTHER TERESA! VERSUS! SIGMUND FREUD! BEGIN! Mother Teresa, for short, call me “M.T.” I’m a missionary of charity M.C Three stripes like Adidas, and I’m doing it for Jesus A one woman nun-DMC I got a peace prize, but I’m not friendly You’re oh-for-thirteen as a nominee I’ve got lines like the DMV And being me takes balls, but I ain’t got no D envy! Who could ask for a better adversary on the mic Than the father of psychoanalysis? Psych! Look at that egghead! Mama wants some omelettes I’m here to crack the mind behind the mom-sex complex I gave food, bed, medicine, and showers To those whose flesh leprosy had devoured Your legacy is people who are mad at their parents Complaining on the couch for two hundred bucks an hour! Jokes I could make about your looks: abundant Your chastity vow: redundant But that’s enough about Mary B Let’s turn to my favorite subject: me! I got mouth cancer, wasn’t feeling so hot Had the doc put me down with a morphine shot Thank imaginary God I wasn’t in one of your beds You’d have just sprinkled magic water on my forehead! I help people live, you watch people die To get souls for a man in the sky! You took credit that you didn’t deserve You’re the fakest Sister Act since Whoopi Goldberg! You were running Project Pimp the Projects To you, Calcutta meant Cal-cutta a check! I can see right through you and you’ve got no flavor I’m battling a communion wafer! You call that a verse? You’re super-ego-trippin’ I gotta say, Sigmund, you’re Freudian slippin’! I built mad missions in my savior’s name All you built was a mad tolerance for cocaine! Obsessed with masturbation, but you’re off the beat Your flows are so poor I should be washing their feet Dreams are the only place you’ll ever be as dope as me I make my rhymes count like beads on a rosary! Everything is sex to you! After I’m done wrecking you I’ll have to go and do confession just for standing next to you You want a second coming? I’ll bless the mic again I’ll end you like a prayer, motherlover! Amen! I notice that you talk a lot about yourself, which is funny Since you hide your true feelings like they were other people’s money Ooh! An exception to my theory! I can’t believe this! Here we have a Mother that no one wants to sleep with! You had a nice message, but your methods were detestable I’ve seen better care given to organic vegetables! All these tokens and smoke and miracles You really believe all this stuff? You’re hysterical! I’ve got the libido to continue to beat ya But our time is up, Teresa WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC raAAAapPPPp BATTLES OF HISTORY!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! HARRY POTTER! VERSUS! LUKE SKYWALKER! BEGIN! Accio mic, let me fire up the wand! Like Hermione and Ron, Im about to get it on! Cause my mouth spits hot like Incendio flames Youre lukewarm like some tauntaun remains Even the mad eye of my man Alastor Moody Could see your franchise only has two decent movies Search your feelings, do you sense déjà vu? Youre getting smoked, like your uncle Owen and aunt Beru! Your actings flat and your raps are 2D too! Bugger off to the afterlife where yourе fat and see-through Youre the biggest lеtdown in your series since Snoke! It makes sense your fathers Vader, all you do is choke! You country bumpkin, you must be dumb! Who farms moisture on a desert planet with two suns? Let me stick my plans in your dusty bin droid Ill leave you like a horcrux: Split up and destroyed I dont know who made you shoot first but that missed! If I was you Id have a bad feeling bout this! Im a rhyming Jedi like my father before me Your talking hat shouldve put you in Gryffin-dorky Your origin story is mostly stolen from me! You might be Potter, but Harry, I planted your seed! Lets see: little orphan raised by relatives in solitude Suddenly gets taken under wing of funky wizard dude Learns that hes been destined to have powerful gifts But between the two of us I think I got the cooler stick! My mic-saber cuts through you so slicey Leave you on the floor like an arm at Mos Eisley Hit you with the Wampa raps I get icy Land em in your face like I flied an X-Wing to save a planet from massacre You fly a broom like some kinda magical janitor Your Dumble-dweeb Army likes to think that youre the best All you did was use your mom like a bulletproof vest! The death of my mother saved the wizarding race Your mum died of heartache when she saw your face! You swamp school dropout! Youre too whiny to rhyme At least when I Slytherin a sister, she isnt mine! Im the Boy Who Lived! Best seller without equal Ill split you like your fanbases feelings bout the prequels! Sequels brought you back to meet your demise Id say you were brilliant, but I must not tell lies I left J.K. straight Rowling in cash! You let J.J. compact your character to trash! So go on, try and force more of your disses Youre like a stormtrooper, cause all your shit misses! R2D2 noises Thats right R2, it does sound like he left all his fire in the goblet R2D2 noises Haha, maybe he will get rescued by an anorexic hobbit I think its pretty clear that you and I are pretty different My drives hyper, your drives Privet! Ive got more rhymes than sand grains on Tatooine! You couldnt pull in the win with a tractor beam! I crushed an Empire a galaxy large I blew up the Death Star, you blew up Aunt Marge! Ill pop you where Poppy Pomfrey cant be healing you Unlike a great disturbance in the force, Im not feeling you! Death would eat you up without Hermione and luck Because your own skills wingardium levio-suck! Youre a dud like Dursley but worse And Id rather herd nerfs than have to endure your third verse! Have you heard rap before? That was not dope at all Maybe have Goldieballs show you the protocol But I bet youre just distracted you got a lot on your plate On one hand: the rebellion; on the other hand: oh wait! I roll deep and the Weasleys got my back! This muggle sucks more hole than the bloody Sarlacc! Well rough you up good if you try to step to Harry, mateYoure the least intimidating twin since Mary-Kate! I flow like butterbeer in Diagon streets! You could find me getting fantastic on these beats! Its over Luke! I got the high ground advantage Ill close it like a map! Mischief Managed! You should have Hagrid fly you home on his moped If I wanted teenage wizardry Id call Selena Gomez! My attack tactics are galactically hardcore Far more than your goofy little Scar Wars! I learned flow with the best in the biz! So of you, the end this is! My Jedi mind tricks put the nix on your Imperius Twist you up like Deathsticks, Im Bellatrix - dead Sirius! No need to expelliarmus, youre harmless in a duel Call me the Hogwarts Express! I just took you to school! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

howl EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! COUNT DRACULA! VERSUS! VLAD THE IMPALER! BEGIN! Imagine forests of corpses dripping on a buffet You call that a nightmare? I call that a Tuesday Vlad Dracula, spawn of the devil Dipping my bread in your weeping blood vessels Scorched the earth from Hungary to Wallachia I inspire fear, you inspire Count Chocula Step to the Turks and the bodies started dropping Put my foot on Ottomans like I was furniture shopping I save my stakes, no need crucifix I kill you with Olive Garden garlic breadsticks I butcher men, women, and children like cows Put more meat on swords than Fogo de Chão Does this mic still work after that blah, blah, blah? Check one... two... ah, ah, ah! The flex of a rear-spearing princeling can’t vex me ‘Cause I nibble necks and I make it look sexy I’m Universally known for intrigue and desire I shapeshift into mist and bone Winona Ryder Slick hair, popped collar, and a damn nice cape While you’ve got less taste than an Anne Rice cake Your rhymes are empty, like I leave vascular systems I’d grant you the privilege of being Dracula’s victim But the thought of biting you makes me get nauseous You don’t look like the type thats keen on neck washes Did you shapeshift those punchlines? ‘Cause they mist Your skill’s like your reflection: it doesn’t exist Turn your taint to a tis, when I put a stick through ya Haven’t seen a sucker this soft, since Bunnicula Get beat by Count Dracula? You’re smoking crackula I dunk on your wackula raps like I’m Shaqula I’m Vlad to the bone, Vlad the hat-nailer Vlad that commits heinous acts on rats, ask the jailer You leeched my name, you pale son of a bitch And your weak ass gets beat by the sun at the beach Your slick hair and cape are all flappy razzle-dazzle But at end of day you’re a bat, and that’s only half a battle Wow! I did not know that you could read That’s great... now let’s see if you can bleed! Ha! You thought the sun could kill me? Not true! I’m the vampire so cold they call me Nosfer-achoo My syllable delivery is devilishly intricate I rock the house, once I’m invited into it And here’s a tidbit, that you can stick a stake up: You’re losing so bad, you should join Team Jacob Renfield! Yes, master? Call a doctor, not Seward Cause Vlad the Impaler has just been skewered WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC- AAAAA, AAA AA AA AAAAHAA RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Hey can you put that, uh little thing back Down in there? No no no, the one below it Youre just a little up in my face right now Oh, Im sorry Am I being annoying? Cause you said wed be done at 10 And its...4 in the morning Look I dont know how to say this But you know what, fuck it Let me just fucking say it Im fucking burnt out man, its been six years every day That I wake up and come to work to look at your hungover face I need some personal space to get away from your screaming But every time I turn my back motherfucker you start scheming To take over control of some shit Im already doing just fine Wed have more subs than PewDiePie if you didnt fight me every time I try to take our little baby in a creative direction Im trying to make art motherfucker, youre trying to find a rhyme for erection Im sorry man - no Im fucking not, fuck you! Youre second class, thats why I let you run ERB2 Youre so afraid to lose, but losings all you do And tonight Im not quitting the battles, bitch, Im quitting you Quit me then you pussy, well see what happens Ill sit back and watch you unravel and revel in pure satisfaction Im out of compassion for you and your self-righteous bullshit Erection jokes dude? Your whole name means dick Im sick of smoothing things out, the same routine ERB2 is right, Im covering your ass behind the scenes And then I try to tell you things, but youre too stubborn to understand Like: Dude, that is not a cool way to play Batman You manipulate your friends, and then you throw them away I dont know who you shit on worse, myself or Dante But Im not an entrée at one of your fancy restaurants So quit eating up my time picking one of your fancy fonts And make a fucking decision so all these people can leave Excuse me for interrupting Rocket League and smoking weed They got places to be, and now theyre looking at me Nice Diva is my new name for you Nice Pete And doink! Nice punchline bro Your jokes havent grown since you told them in a lunch line bro Youre an eight-year-old boy stuck inside a whatever year old man Look at me Im EpicLLOYD, check me out I can Rap about my problems instead of solving them If you wanna heal you gotta deal with your issues cause a bottles not stopping them Dont take this battle there dude, you dont want that at all Let me guess, right now youre on two beers and a pill and a half of Adderall And that makes you obsessive and then you fuck up all the fun So why dont you trust the editors and stop changing their shit after theyre done Yo dont try to paint me as some compulsive little jerk If you werent so cheap we could hire some editors that do good work Who you think just- Oh thats real funny Andrew Aww cmon, now what the fuck did I do? Allrounda Beats What? Yo, who the fuck left the tag in? Errrrr! Click. Thanks Yeah Hey, Allrounda can you put the- Yeah and the little, uh, nice... We cool guys? Yeah, I guess so Okay Ive got the card Did you dump it? Get your mark Quiet please Here we go And...action! Yo, I guess what Im saying, man Is that Im running out of patience, man Im a patient man, but sometimes You need to be a patient, man I got the same shit that I was dealing with At the very beginning! Im trying to get somewhere with it, man Ive fought with my wife And gone under the knife And Ive taken years off Of the back of my life Man, since right in the beginning We been fighting, No ones winning People would kill to do what we do for a living But all your bitching Is keeping my wheels spinning That was weird Yup Im sorry about some of the things that I said Im sorry about the way you played Batman I think I just need a break Yeah, me too You wanna write a song? Yeah dude!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! RICHARD THE LIONHEART! VERSUS! RAGNAR LODBROK! BEGIN! Im Richard I, from the Third Crusade That only leaves room for you in second place The chivalrous swinger of the sword and mace And Ill kill you when I spit like a pit full of snakes Im the number one Dick rising up to make you feel small My battering ram slams through your shield wall Ill announce at the next of your Things That Im chomping through your family like boneless wings! Of course you got avenged by a kid with no bones Your own story ended worse than Game of Thrones Your son killed your ex, your ex killed your wife Im the Lion King, man, but thats a messed up circle of life Half-assed head tats cant be condoned Its like you raided the face of Post Malone Im scared of no foe, Im backed by the Trinity Ill conquer you on my day off like you were Sicily! Threatening to conquer Ragnar is bold For a King who got whacked by a ten year old Ill sacrifice you to Odin while drinking horns of mead Good thing you hold the red cross, cause thats who youre going to need! You built your army by raising English taxes I raised my army taxing English asses with my axes! And who are you to talk about the circle of life? Your old lady cant feel the love on any night! Your only son was illegitimate, you heired on the side Ill twist your spine like the end of the Plantagenet line Im just a warrior, Im not a linguist But I think The King of England should probably speak English! You took Acre and Jaffa like a piece of cake But never attacked Jerusalem, for Christs sake! You saw the Holy Land, but couldnt go all the way We should call it the Crusade of Richard the First Base! Sail back north with your barbarian goons Because Im tearing down your legacy: leaving it in runes! Your real self next to your legend disappoints I see you shaking in your shaggy little pants like Zoinks! Who invented the royal me? We! Whos the predominantly fictional MC? Thee! Youre a wannabe, mon ami, kneel down and honor me! Richard coming through in the end like Sean Connery! The double-coronated blood and gore gourmet You might have the axe, but I make a body spray Lionhearts the sobriquet, but I strike like a cobra If I wanted to fight loser Vikings, Id go to Minnesota! You want to fight me? Take off the tin shirt Ill be waiting in my birthday suit, going berserk! Ding-dang-dong! Morning bells warn about me at the break of dawn And Im putting you to sleep like your brother John! Leaving monks in chunks on Northumbrian lawns Cause Im the Allfathers spawn! You couldnt even beat a Salad-in a fight! Youre as soft as Monty Python knights! You went from chainmail to chained up in jail Til Mommy drained England to pay for your bail! But no Kings Ransom will save you from these bars, son! Im eating you alive like the gangrene you died from! WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

FLASH IN THE PAN HIP HOP CONFLICTS OF NOWADAYS! PEWDIEPIE! VS! T-SERIES! BEGIN! Yo, Im a faceless, nameless corporate enterprise And Ive still got more personality than this guy PewDiePie let me dish up some truth You talk like a child Ill call you Hitler Youth Ive seen your Bitch Lasagna youve got no flow at all It sounds like your verses were written by Jake Paul Jumping you in subs is just my next hurdle First Ill crush you with my words like the Wall-Street Journal You cant Scare Pewdiepie try Markiplier When Im done youll be the funny guy Im hiring off Fiverr You sucked the soul from Youtube paid to make it big Youre like the McDonalds of videos without the McRib Your Bollywood budget cant handle this Make better content than you from my room at my standing desk Your first boss had guts and pimpin hair But he got whacked by the mob it was downhill from there Mr. Kumar was a hero, better watch what you say Before I smack your ass back to the days of Lets Play I started on cassettes now Im making movie deals While youre screaming like an autistic demon playing Happy Wheels And I would bet that those two dudes on Fiverr Have a better education than most of your subscribers So dont come messing with the Indians, chief Why dont you make like some Hindus and give up the beef? Yo, I can play games with the fans that Ive got Cause my subscribers are real. Ya cant brofist a sub bot Ten vids a week with the same sounding beat And the same 80 dudes dancing barefoot in the streets See your contents always shit no matter how shiny Stick to making trailers cause youll always be behind me Im a one man Machinima you cant hold a candle And if you do beat the Pewds Ill delete my whole channel WHO WON? WHO CARES? YOU DECIDE! FLASH IN THE PAN HIP HOP CONFLICTS OF NOWADAYS

Epic Rap Battles Of History! Gandalf VS Dumbledore Begin! You Shall Not Pass I rap fast like Shadowfax Tom Riddle me this You bitch Hows your little wand Going to beat my staff? I leave mics in flames Torched by Gandalf Touch mine, Dumbledore and Scorch your other hand off You fool You got Snaped Youre not a real fighter Death makes you die It just makes my brights brighter Your ass is like Gringotts Everyone makes a deposit We all know youve more than a Boggart in your closet The prophecy Forgot to mention this day When i knocked your ass back to Gandalf the Grey Check your status They call me headmaster Youre nothing Nice staff You compensating for something? I prefer the company of Wizards and Im proud of it You try to win your battles With two fat hobbits You think your hairy toed Friends are gonna harm me? Waitll they get a taste of Dumbledores army Do not take me for some Conjuror of cheap tricks I dont give a Fawkes about your Order of Phoenix Ill tie a new knot in your beard With your wrinkly balls For I am the one rapper To rule them all Your spells are a joke Not funny ones either Mines of Moria? Ha More like mind of Mencia Ill expecto my patronum On your face You little snitch And when Im finished Imma fly Like its quidditch WHO WON? WHOS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!

Work hard, keep your head in the game And if someone gets in your way And if someone gets in your way Tell them you dont give a damn! Work hard, keep your head in the game And if someone gets in your way And if someone gets in your way Tell them you dont give a damn! Whats up bitches! Bitches! We did it because of you Your suggestions and support got us through the woods I know it sucks balls to wait But sometimes it just takes a long time to make them right Because we dont want to make them suck balls Work hard, keep your head in the game And if someone gets in your way And if someone gets in your way Tell them you dont give a damn! Work hard , keep your head in the game And if someone gets in your way And if someone gets in your way Tell them you dont give a damn! Whats up bitches!

Call me Musk , Im here to help Flush a Zucker-turd for humanitys health Im making brilliant innovations in a race against the Dark Ages! You provide a place to discover your aunts...kinda racist! Got called to Senate, data hack! Acted so robotic Star Treks like, We need Lieutenant Data back! Im Tony Stark with a James Bond sprinkle tossed in And Ive been flossing since you double-crossed the Winklevoss twins! Data was a lieutenant commander, to start But I wouldnt expect you to understand an org chart See, heres mine: Im at the top , boss And Im spitting fire like Im hot sauce ! You cant sneak up on Zuck; I dont even fucking blink! Im the CEO of KNOWING WHAT YOU THINK, INC! Ive been looking up your family; it gets dark, my god! Couldnt clean your daddys laundry with Apar-tide-pods! Watch me, Oculus, Instagram, WhatsApp. Post! Im cleaning up like a Wet-nap. Boast! I drive around in a hatchback. Beep beep! Ill end your story like Snapchat. Elon, youre nothing but an attention-seeking outcast And your star is faded like you on a podcast! Dope smoking with Joe Rogan dont slow-motion my pace, man! When Im conquering MySpace, its actual space, man! I got a loan from the White House, boom! Sent that shit straight to the Moon! Now Im taking mankind to Mars, but for your kind, man, I aint got room! Your platform only launches depression! Who put the elf with no friends in charge of human connection? You claim to be some kind of saint, but you aint! Why dont you Lean In and FaceMatch my musky Dutch taint! Im destined to rep Earth! You sold us out for some net worth! Your sites got so many Russian bots, they should call it the Social Nyet-work! Ooh, bots, I know A.I. gets you tweeting I read your feed while eating toast from robot Morgan Freeman You need to start sleeping; we can all see youre tired Youre about to be CE-Oh shit, he got fired! You got all these companies, but theyre incomplete! Ive got one, and I fold money: income, pleat! Set your self-driving truck to haul your ass home Cause this battles like PayPal: you got owned!

FLASH IN THE PAN HIP HOP CONFLICTS OF NOWADAYS! RONALD MCDONALD VERSUS THE BURGER KING! BEGIN! Welcome to BK! How can I serve you today? One flame broiled ass clown? Have it your way You cant do fast food half as good as I do Your pink slime meat turns my asshole to a drive-thru Your friends are a combo meal of weird lookers You got a bird, a burglar, and a big purple booger Man, take these wack McRaps off the menu Ill call you Ronald Donald, cause theres no MC in you Why dont you call me Ronald Jeremy? Cause Im getting nasty Like the whoppers that you sell made of horse lips and ass meat Ask Rick and Morty whos the lyrical boss I got lines for days, call me Szechuan Sauce! The undisputed G.O.A.T of putting burgers in bellies Im fast food Eminem, youre Machine Gun Kelly! Im Coke to your Pepsi, Im Mac, youre Android! Lets be real here, Im Nice Peter and youre EpicLLOYD Youre number one like the piss I took in your ball pit Those rhymes you just spit are a Ray Kroc of shit! You creepy ass clown, youre so spooky, its insane! You look like you just ate someones brother in a storm drain! You cant beat the king with world leaders like these The whole head of your government is named Mayor McCheese! I aint loving shit, even if Timberlake sings! Im running circles around you like my onion rings! But that last verse was lifeless! You had no joy in it Last time I saw a rapper this plastic there was a toy in it Cheetos, dude? Get your recipes together, man! I had the same fries since I was Willard Scott the Weather Man! Call me MC Flurry, cause Im so chill My raps sleep at my house, because theyre so ill! In the contest of the best mascot in town You might be the king, but I wear the crown! WHO WON? WHO CARES? YOU DECIDE! FLASH IN THE PAN HIP HOP CONFLICTS OF NOWADAYS!

Its the battle of the builders! Bricks v. blocks! In the red corner, everybodys favorite precision-molded master builder, the Lego Man! And in the blue corner, the polygonal pilgrim, the right-angled adventurer, Minecraft Steve! You might recognize me from the worlds biggest video game They call me Steve. Did they even give you a name? Im the new kid on the block, bringing new blocks to the kids From the digital underground, dont need boxes and lids Im freestyling lines that are dropping you dead Your hairs the only thing coming off the top of your head Youre still under construction, cant be having much fun Amidst a world of bricks in which your fists cant even clutch one Youre a bygone era bargain bin man, your times passed Your styles childs play, make way for Minecraft! My blocks are rocks, logs, quartz, and lapis While yours are plastic... and thats it Check my stats, look, Im killing it on YouTube I can fell a forest with my fists, what can you do? Ill build an obsidian tomb and lock you up in there Mind you, I could do that with some Tupperware Not fair to square raps against this cube No joints, I still articulate better than you Im a classic, an icon, with style to boot Cause no matter what Im wearing, its a three-piece suit I have sparked imaginations, every kid in every nation On and on for generations, you cant stop what Im creating Check my space station, no Tekkit installation Youre low-res, homeless, no chance of overtaking Im a timeless line of iconic design While you melt kids minds one block at a time For centuries we left child labour behind Youve essentially trapped them all back in the mines! Wont be fooled by the blocks that you got Without a modpack, all youre rocking is rocks So have fun as you fumble in the dirt Want to step to me? Youll see how much that hurts! You got two rappers, but the battles six-sided Boxes in the ring, taking swings at the prize, its Apparently imperative we get it decided Which brick clique gets kids excited? Gather round, everybody, drum roll please And see the freak with two bumholes! Jeez! If you come for Steve, then your loot gets dropped Im rocking more blocks than a Rubiks shop Look, the truth is, I dont want to keep dissing But youre useless soon as theres one piece missing Im unlimited fun-bringing don of construction I worked it out myself, you just follow instructions! I brave caves for days, digging diamonds, capping creepers Sending spiders to the grave, can you keep up? Nah! I can end an enderman while he renders in More architecturally smart than Simon Henderson Dont send for the Avengers, Marvel, Im assembling You cant even take your trousers down without dismembering! Now were entering survival mode Youre just gathering dust, so heres the final blow Trample me? Youll need more than a horse Cause youre tangling with a toy box tour-de-force I may be a plaything but I break the mould Every day, three hundred thousand of me get sold Heard of Overwatch? Did you hope to contend? Cause were over Notch, yeah, your trends at an end You overshot if you came to depend On the whims of the Net just to get dividends Your phenomenon topped all the charts, its true But they dropped off faster than Notch dropped you A decade ago, you were top of the views But youd still be at the bottom if it wasnt for Pewds Sticks and stones may break my bones But they arent intimidating when theyre all you own Want to get a brick-slap from some bric-a-brac? Better pack Your bits into your zip while Im building me a throne You got two rappers, but the battles six-sided Boxes in the ring, taking swings at the prize, its Apparently imperative we get it decided Which brick clique gets kids excited? Come on, guys? Whats the sense in mindless squabbling? When you could try to represent all kinds of modelling? Constructive criticism? Pay attention to my offering Cause all the things that we could build togethers mine-boggling! Im the proof of what we can achieve Creative? Creator? Whats with all the beef? Cook up some ideas, theres no need to grief! Dig down in your hearts, find the parts to believe!

Its the battle of the builders, bricks vs. blocks In the red corner Everybodys favorite precision-molded Master Builder The Lego Man And in the blue corner The polygonal pilgrim, the right-angled adventurer Minecraft Steve You might recognize me from the worlds biggest video game They call me Steve, did they even give you a name? Im the new kid on the block, bringing new blocks to the kids From the digital underground, dont need boxes and lids Im freestyling lines that are dropping you dead Your hairs the only thing coming off the top of your head Youre still under construction, cant be having much fun Amidst a world of bricks in which your fists cant even clutch one Youre a bygone era, bargain bin man, your times passed Your styles childs play, make way for Minecraft My blocks are rocks, logs, quartz and lapis While yours are plastic and thats it Check my stats, look, Im killing it on YouTube I can fell a forest with my fists, what can you do? Ill build an obsidian tomb and lock you up in there Mind you, I could do that with some tupperware Not fair to square raps against this cube No joints, I still articulate better than you Im a classic, an icon, with style to boot Cause no matter what Im wearing, its a three-piece suit I have sparked imaginations, every kid in every nation On and on for generations, you cant stop what Im creating Check my space station, no Tekkit installation Youre low-res, homeless, no chance of overtaking Im a timeless line of iconic design While you melt kids minds one block at a time For centuries, we left child labour behind Youve essentially trapped them all back in the mines Wont be fooled by the blocks that you got Without a Modpack, all youre rocking is rocks So have fun as you fumble in the dirt Want to step to me? Youll see how much that hurts You got two rappers but the battles six-sided Boxes in the ring, taking swings at the prize Its apparently imperative we get it decided Which brick clique gets kids excited? Gather round, everybody, drum roll please And see the freak with two bumholes, jeez If you come for Steve, then your loot gets dropped Im rocking more blocks than a Rubiks shop Look, the truth is, I dont want to keep dissing But youre useless soon as theres one piece missing Im an unlimited fun-bringing don of construction I worked it out myself, you just follow instructions I brave caves for days, digging diamonds, capping Creepers Sending spiders to the grave, can you keep up? Nah I can end an Enderman while he renders in More architecturally smart than Simon Henderson Dont send for the Avengers, Marvel, Im assembling You cant even take your trousers down without dismembering Now were entering Survival Mode Youre just gathering dust so heres the final blow Trample me? Youll need more than a horse Cause youre tangling with a toy box, tour-de-force I may be a plaything but I break the mould Everyday, three-hundred thousand of me get sold Heard of Overwatch? Did you hope to contend? Cause were over Notch, yeah, your trends at an end You overshot if you came to depend On the whims of the net just to get dividends Your phenomenon topped all the charts, its true But they dropped off faster than Notch dropped you A decade ago, you were top of the views But youd still be at the bottom if it wasnt for Pewds Sticks and stones may break my bones But they arent intimidating when theyre all you own Want to get a brick-slap from some bric-a-brac? Better pack your bits into your zip while Im building me a throne You got two rappers but the battles six-sided Boxes in the ring, taking swings at the prize Its apparently imperative we get it decided Which brick clique gets kids excited? Listen up, Ive had just about enough of this Insufferable blubbering from rubble and a couple bricks Meet the product of all that youve accomplished Im the new stud in this construction triumvirate An out-of-date Java game cobbled together And a pathetic little relic thats desperate for relevance The best of both your elements, expensive as Im elegant Playtime paradigm? I just left you in some sediment

Henry: I am Henry VIII! Kind of England, Ireland, and Wales! Youre a presidential candidate in a pants suit who fails! Girls dont belong in politics, too much stress! Should stay at home and wash the stains out of another ladys dress! I tend to have separation issues with women Its like their heads the pope and their necks, the Church of England! Madam Secretary? Hold my calls, Im off for a walk Cause no ones beat you so bad since the Swahili dude named Barack! Hillary: Hahaha! Lets just get down to it You done messed with the wrong Rodham, Im about to tutor and boot it You make more false accusations than our white water Its not your wives fault your balls keep making daughters Your countrys the size of Ohio, you couldnt even beat Spain I could defeat you with a grass roots email campaign! Id eat you alive, but Id probably never finish Youre so fat your whole body could feed a whole freakin village! Henry: Im big because Im Gods Appointed Vessel The only way you can beat me is maybe if we wrestle I mean, come on, is it any wonder why you cant keep your man at home? The only thing getting blown is Bills Saxophone! Hillary: You couldnt even handle the goods that Im selling! Im more powerful than Oprah! Dont you interrupt me, you chauvinist prick! Put the needs of your country behind the whims of your dick! Ill banish you back to your own tower of London, baby You can tell them Henry VIII got spanked by the First Lady!

FLASH IN THE PAN HIP HOP CONFLICTS OF NOWADAYS! LARRY BIRD! VS! BIG BIRD! BEGIN Whats up? It’s your boy from Sesame Street Here to rap against a freak with size 17 feet Youre like Oscar the Grouchs house because you’re trash Walkin round in green like Shrek with a mustache Larry Bird? More like Scary bird you ogre You look like Frankensteins monster but older Youre trying to battle with a childhood hero This one on one is gonna end with Larry Bird, zero The Legend spits raw like an oyster Bout to school this muppet how to rap so let me give you 3 pointers One, dont talk about being a freak You got accordion legs and Burts head for a beak Two, dont dress in yellow when you come to Boston Ill slap your happy ass and call you Magic Johnson Three, you don’t deserve a prize just for trying The only thing you taught kids is how to suck at flying Wow, I can’t believe what I just heard No way you just called me the flightless Bird You cant jump you can’t run stick to the threes Cause The Hick from French Lick surely cant hit me Im Snuffleupagus the way I bob and weave I’m the number one dunking on 33 The letter of the day is U as in U got served So why dont you go ahead and try and Follow That Bird! That was some fowl language but I wear the crown Youre made of turkey feathers but youll never be down With the Celtics and I dont need to talk much smack To beat a handsy bird who bounces kids on his lap Its sad they never told you the deal Your only real friend, Snuffy he aint even real So you wanna battle me again you better say no Or else youll get another size 17 boot to the egghole! WHO WON? WHO CARES? YOU DECIDE! FLASH IN THE PAN HIP HOP CONFLICTS OF NOWADAYS!

Get on the track and wreck this shit Disrespect this shit, chin check the bitch If they want it, they got it Im wrecking the topics, defying your logic Fold the game, its in my pocket Try to stop it, if I had to curve it, yall Im wrecking yall, just like a wrecking ball No Miley though, kick that, just keep twerking If you see me on the mic, you know that Im working I get it hot, bringing the steam in What you know about what Im doing? You feening Youre dreaming if you think that youre taking me down Spit another rhyme you bastards, Im straight getting crowned Anytime you wanna step, disrespect and anybody want it you can bet that I got it, garaunteed, you best believe, I take everything you need to breathe, ugh Your lungs are earth, Since my birth I, plagued you when I rehearse, I mean rehearsing Played with curses, you right back now when I spit these verses I hit you fast to dashing, smashing, clashing, you want it? Smashing in your head, lashing out against me but Im stepping up Youre out of luck, I still dont give a fuck Youve got a coaster at the cafe, cause Im cooking, good looking You know that youve just been mistooken If you think youre taking me down, youre getting raped like this mic is Right here and now, I break it down Like scientists, Mark Ruffalo in this bitch You want to see me right now? Ill be in the streets I do it like Banner, cause I keep it smart But I keep it like The Hulk cause Ill rip you apart

Michael J. Fox: Michael J. Fox in the house, yall Chucky: Yo, Chucky here Michael J. Fox: Let me take this one, bitch Check it out Watch me crank my amplifier up real high While I’m looking for the Doc You be a little tiny midget using a sock as a sleeping bag You little weird, crusted up, fucking sore face You have like eighteen movies, man; look at your fucking face Youre weird. Youre dead. You’re a little toy I be making movies since I was a little boy Ive been Back to the Future, and Ive been Back to the Future again And then I was in Back to the Future the third time. Where have you been? Chucky: Yo, mention my face, man Im getting dirty cause you make me Dont make me talk about how youre old and shaky Man, I know that is how you are I please Gotta dis you for your Parkinsons disease I think that’s what you have Baby, now you look old, a long neck like a giraffe Let me start to cut and suture I’m gonna kill you, bring you Back to the Future Michael J. Fox: Of course you gotta talk about disabilities, man I know, Chucky, thats important But you’re fucking Freddy Kruegers abortion, man! EpicLLOYD: HAHAHAHAHAHA clap clap

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! ZEUS! VERSUS! THOR! BEGIN! Thor: Youve never been at war with the likes of Thor before The oracle shoulda warned you about the blood and gore Brought forth my raging thunderstorm force Because I dont get nice, I get Norse! Valhalla at ya boy and well flyte it out But keep your Asgard up, I Ragnarok the house! You tongue kissed your sister and consort with gorgons? Im the thunder down under nailing Natalie Portman! Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is? Youre ruthless to humans, im pooching on this God of the Douches And when were through with this your Hubris will send you to Hades So make like your daddy, and swallow my babies Zeus: Im the father of the Gods, Barbie, mind your manners! Odin cant touch this, let alone MC Hammer! Ill flip more middle fingers at you than a hundred hander Take your little tool away and youre just a blonde Bruce Banner! Im Olympic gold standard, on point like a trident Drop science colder than the frosty balls of your giants! Poseidon couldnt fathom the depth of your thickness I bask in the sun and you chose the land of Christmas But i have to save the mortals! Ech, blow me! Ill be boozing on the ouzo at the beach with Loki! Theres a hundred percent chance in the weather forecast Of Zeus raining wrath down upon Thors ass! Thor: Rain old man? This is hardly a drizzle You couldnt give the women in my homeland the sniffles You look miserable, old, and fat And you groped so many mates, you surely have the thunderclap! Its the swan song for your bullshit, with Leda and Europa! You shape-shifting rapist, keep your dick inside your toga! Its over, Ill smash you like an ogre! Thors a mighty soldier, youre a poor carbon copy, only older Zeus: You call yourself mighty, but youre not to my liking! So ill strike this weak viking twice with greased lightning! This blond shit talker is soft as Betty Crocker! I scarred Harry Potter, gave Ben Franklin the shocker‏! I am the alpha and the O, mega! Youre Thor skinned dick cheddar, smegma! Conquer the cloud-cold Nectar? Never! Without the Avengers, you would never be remembered!

Action Yo, it was five oclock and I was making a Nesspresso I was thinking to myself you know, theres fans that want some special extra shit That cant be seen by everybody that subscribes Im talking bout the fans who kept the rap battles alive And I was sitting at the coffee table cutting checks for rent And all the other bills we got since we went independent And I was like, damn, Im so glad we did this But damn, we gotta run this whole business Yo Lloyd, check it out man, the mask came in Sweet Well this is the stunt mask, the other one is coming next week What? Its so easy, we got a sweat deal, see? Well keep the whole costume under three Gs, easy Three Gs Easy Yo this isnt cool Hey, this is very cool We still owe five to Atul True Speaking of that, I think we should do the makeup Cause it would be cool to have a scar when you wake up We need some extra funds I think we need some extra minds I just wanna get this done Weve got so much to decide Like should the Red Baron really actually fly? Dude What man? you decide Pete, man, Im with you; we gotta do this right But we cant spend all the cash, we need to rent some lights Man, you gotta see these Wendys comments, this dude can write If he could know the battles in advance, that would be tight Ive got an idea We should start a Patreon Well start a Patreon Well start a Patreon We got a Patreon Yo, in the George Carlin verse, I wanna say shit, fuck and jism And Im not tryna bow to no ads or algorithms Patreon Well start a Patreon We got a Patreon We got a Patreon Well have a special Discord where you can help us make decisions And live stream sessions where we answer all your questions Patreon We got a Patreon We got a Patreon We got a Patreon Patreon

Fliby the most overrated character anyone ever saw!! Who had 5 lines in the trilogy! And one of them was NIGGFEERS!! Fuck you Snail Niggers I really hate niggers Kill Niggers Fuck niggers Who won?? You decide!!