She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a mirror. *** My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper. *** Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people. *** The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. *** All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old? *** Why didn't the Indian like having two t.p.'s? They made him 2 tence. *** Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway. *** Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one. *** At this point in my life, my resume's special skills section just says: pronounces Massachusetts towns and can nap on planes. *** I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better. *** Hot older men in your area want to know if you have been playing with the thermostat? *** I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking. *** I start every conversation with my employees by saying, I shouldn't be telling you this just so I know they will listen. *** It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. *** Marriage is mostly misreading facial expressions and asking each other, You ok? *** I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder. *** One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you. *** What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. *** What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. *** The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. *** I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. *** I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I am still looking for the dog to unlock my phone. *** Crime doesn't pay does that mean that my job is a crime? *** Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2. *** I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you. *** Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father. *** We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. *** To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic. *** No Déjà vu please I Don't want to go through that again *** If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. *** I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught. *** I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. *** The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end. *** Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance? *** Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. *** There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. *** When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility. *** Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over! *** At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery. *** I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis. *** I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. *** My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! *** Cells multiply by dividing. *** I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects. *** You're the reason God created the middle finger. *** Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. *** Life is too complicated in the morning. *** Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme *** If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits. *** Sure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people's plan B and someone's maybe if we're ever the last two people on Earth. *** How do astronomers organize a party? They planet. *** I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house. *** Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong. *** Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish. *** If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind. *** I like to finish other people's sentences because my version is better. *** Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. *** 1973: smoking in the boy's room. 2018: vaping in the gender-neutral restroom. *** What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? The road! *** Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. *** I once worked as a salesman and was very independent: I took orders from no one. *** Despite my specific instructions, no one that has listened to my voicemail has left me a massage after the beep. *** Imagine saying hello to a dog in a normal conversational voice. *** What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally. *** If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place. *** There are approximately 45 seconds between I'll make us an omelet and We're having scrambled eggs. *** I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but *** What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures! *** Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. *** I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours. *** Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense. *** I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge. *** An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion. *** The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. *** It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening. *** Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. *** Nothing spoils the target more than a hit. *** Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. *** We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. *** It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose. *** If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction? *** I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet. *** Cancer cures smoking. *** I love my life, but it just wants to be friends *** Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. *** If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling. *** It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. *** A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. *** I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous! *** My taste in men is so bad, the walk of shame for me is when I'm on my way to a date. *** Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that? *** Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer. *** Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know *** We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off. *** Life is scary: at least the salary is funny. *** You should argue with your wife only when she's not around. *** I like when flies won't leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot. *** The kid drowned. All his mates showed up at his funeral with life jackets on. Because it's what he would've wanted. *** Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense. *** What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time. *** To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing! *** A clean house is the sign of a broken computer. *** Don't trust atoms, they make up everything. *** R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist. *** A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. *** I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. *** Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician. *** My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly we need to talk. *** My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. *** Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it. *** Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter. *** A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. *** A huge thanks to the guy that just explained the word many to me. It means a lot. *** How many light bulbs does it take to change people? *** The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. *** Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now. *** What underwear does clouds wear? Thunderwear! *** Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull. *** What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill. *** I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son. *** Hit snooze until the panic sets in. *** Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? *** Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says My wife's an angel another guy says Your lucky, mines still alive. *** Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home? *** If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday. *** I'm not lazy I'm just on my energy saving mode. *** Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. *** I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. *** I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything. *** A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. *** Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties. *** I can cut down a tree only using my vision. It's true! I saw it with my own eyes! *** Finally got around to watching Back To The Future It's about time. *** What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it! *** When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head. *** If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there? *** You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing. *** It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college. *** We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us. *** It's strange that, despite all the warnings, I've never seen a tombstone that read: Died from not forwarding that e-mail to 10 people. *** Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes. *** The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. *** What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate! *** People who say they've lost their voice are lying. *** I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. *** When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned. Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet. *** Multitasking: screwing up several things at once. *** If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot. *** There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you. *** A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. *** Is it good or bad if your vacuum sucks? *** My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy. *** Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows it. *** I hate cocaine dealers. Always sticking their business into other people's noses. *** What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. *** According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. *** If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen. *** Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions. *** Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. *** How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one of them is a match! *** Autocorrect can go to He'll. *** What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots. *** What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. *** Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison. *** Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver! *** I was hooked on auctions after only going once going twice. *** Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. *** A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, Is this some kind of joke? *** Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. *** Let me tell you the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. *** Sorry I'm late traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years and I was not expecting that. *** Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Told my mom that my girlfriend is retarded *** I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me. *** Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course! *** I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls. *** Your finest Scotch, please. Yes, sir, the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape. *** A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers. *** It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize. *** The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize. *** Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick. Boss: Come on in, we'll check you out. *** By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game. *** I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it. *** If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them? *** Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest! *** At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. *** Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win they lose. *** If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman. *** I would make jokes about the sea, but they are too deep. *** Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default tounstable'. *** Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. *** It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you. *** I rang up British Telecom, I said, I want to report a nuisance caller, he said Not you again. *** I always give 100 % which is why I lost my job as an exam marker! *** He who hesitates is boss. *** The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. *** A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross! I said, People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer. *** I do try to be empathetic and put myself in other people's shoes but I have big feet. *** Young riders pick a destination and go Old riders pick a direction and go. *** You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones. *** If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong. *** Seek knowledge from cradle to the grave. *** Why is abbreviation such a long word? *** However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight. *** Turtles think frogs are homeless. *** I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch. *** I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B. *** I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money. *** When I grow up, I'm going to make my kids watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that. *** I tried water polo but my horse drowned. *** Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening. *** People used to laugh at me when I would say I want to be a comedian, well nobody's laughing now. *** Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. *** When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on. *** Did Noah include termites on the ark? *** I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it. *** Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. *** My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. *** Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards. *** Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way. *** I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me. *** Bullets are weird. They only do their job after they are fired. *** I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. *** There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. *** The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down! *** Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more. *** If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. *** Only dead fish go with the flow. *** My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where. *** Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells. *** You sound a lot like the Terms and Conditions, that's why I don't give a shit about what you have to say. *** I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face. *** You're like school in the summertime - no class. *** My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten by a giant crab. *** You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, concentrate. *** 42 percent of statistics are made up! *** What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish! *** Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight. *** I am known at the gym as the before picture. *** I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. *** Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball. *** Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it). *** Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. *** What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer. *** Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it. *** If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra. *** Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer. *** Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa. *** My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. *** Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't! *** What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line! *** Why can't you take anything balloons say seriously? They're always full of hot air! *** Tired isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point. *** How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning. *** What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet! *** I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong. *** You are not even beneath my contempt. *** The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. *** I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is Scaring men is easy. *** I tried to get back to the drawing board but I can't draw. *** I Googled how to start a wildfire. I got 48,500 matches. *** I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me. *** What is the tallest building in the world? A library- it has the most stories! *** Taxes are the price we pay for a civilization. In light of recent results, I want my money back. *** People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now. *** Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein. *** It's bad luck to be superstitious. *** People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine. *** You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. *** What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish *** My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent. *** Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone. *** I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. Do you have any kids? she asked. Yes, I replied. I have one child that's just under two. She said, I might be blonde, but I know how many one is. *** My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are. *** What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing. *** Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable *** I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me! *** How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. *** Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. *** What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women *** The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. *** I do enjoy getting cash out of the bank and then throwing it in the river and watching it float away. I like studying my cash flow. *** When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will. *** What kind of cookies make you rich? Fortune cookies! *** The EU now has 1 GB of free space. *** Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. *** Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. *** What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea! *** Nothing says I love my dog quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own. *** If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason. *** Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual. *** Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins. *** Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today. *** When men say I'm fine they actually mean it. Weirdos. *** Grocery store flowers on Valentine's Day: show someone you care slightly more than not at all. *** My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it. *** Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail. *** He's as sharp as a bowling ball. *** Are your parents siblings? *** Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep. *** If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking,What did you do? *** My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely. *** There is no dance without the dancers. *** Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music. *** My toddler ate some googly eyes and I'm really excited to see if she's going to recreate the poop emoji. *** He's not dead: he's electroencephalographically challenged. *** The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline. *** Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks? A: Silicon Valley. *** How was your day mom? is teenager for I need something that costs money. *** If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth. *** Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number. *** Give me ambiguity or give me something else. *** Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? *** Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. *** Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. *** If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from? *** First word in the world - Huh? *** Me: Hey did you buy100 Count Tennis Balls from Amazon? Wife: No. Dog: Pretending to read newspaper. *** Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. *** Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! *** I lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter. *** A straight face and a sincere-sounding Huh? have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember. *** Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, What kind of music do you like? The other says, I'm a big metal fan. *** I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea. *** Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. *** God grades on the cross, not the curve. *** I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here. *** It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. *** TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically. *** T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms. *** Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. *** What's the king of all school supplies? The ruler. *** I've found if you say well well well as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds. *** Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. *** The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you. *** Burglar gently waking me you live like this? *** What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! *** Never argue with a woman when she's tired or when she's rested. *** Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. *** He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar. *** The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. *** She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. *** You can't sleep either? Says a voice from under your bed. *** What's the best place to grow flowers in school? In the kindergarden. *** People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people. *** Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small. *** Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich. *** Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colourful language *** There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it. *** Sure, I'd love to help you out now, which way did you come in? *** Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it. *** If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. *** The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. *** A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. *** My son came home as I was taking his door off its hinges and asked: Dad what are you doing? I said, We've updated our privacy policy. *** Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. *** Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move. *** Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed! *** Behind every successful man, you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear. *** Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict! *** I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace. *** He always finds himself lost in thought: it's unfamiliar territory. *** A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive. *** I like the way your medication thinks. *** It's the freaking weekend, find a sleepy seaside town with a horrifying backstory and a murder to solve. *** Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. *** I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say. *** An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine. *** I am depressed in every way except emotionally. *** Me (at work): I think I'm having a heart attack. My boss: Do that on your own time! *** A female magician made her boyfriend vanish. How? By asking for a commitment. *** What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. *** I childproofed the house… but they still get in! *** I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree. *** I bet Egyptians were all like Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do and then came the internet. *** Why did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out. *** The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination. *** It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it. *** Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door. *** My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife. *** Teacher: What is the future tense of the statement:I had killed a thief'? Student: You will go to jail. *** Can a woman make you a Millionaire? Yes, if you're a Billionaire. *** All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. *** Too many freaks, not enough circuses. *** I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. *** Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up. *** Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days. *** I once meet an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up. *** The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills. *** Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982. *** Kids, don't grow up it's a trap! *** It's not the fall that kills you: it's the sudden stop at the end. *** There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over. *** I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers. *** Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions. *** Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested. *** Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. *** The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! *** The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made. *** You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. *** When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. *** What has four legs but can't walk? A chair. *** How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE! *** If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. *** The device will work much better, if you turn it on. *** If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? *** Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. *** I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. *** I find it very offensive when people get easily offended. *** Everyone has their own path, fortunately mine leads to the liquor store. *** My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis. *** I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week. *** The farther away the future is, the better it looks. *** I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage. *** The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. *** Lite: the new way to spell Light, now with 20% fewer letters! *** Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. *** Even paranoids have enemies. *** My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states. *** Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us. *** The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job. *** Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. *** Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things. *** Whiteboards are remarkable. *** Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark! *** There's safety in Numbers, but I prefer Deuteronomy. *** Dear men, I don't want anything for Valentine's Day is the same as I'm fine. You're welcome. *** Don't underestimate me, that's my mother's job. *** Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy. *** Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to. *** Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. *** Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons. *** Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting. *** Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it. *** The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it. *** Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty! *** According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. *** In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period. *** Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence. *** If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has. *** My girlfriend said, You act like a detective too much. I want to split up. Good idea, I replied. We can cover more ground that way. *** When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas! *** I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. *** A procrastinator's work is never done. *** If I promise to miss you, will you go away? *** How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump. *** I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream. *** The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk. *** Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. *** I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out. *** Alzheimer's can't be that bad. You get to meet new people everyday. *** Dads are like boomerangs I hope. *** Room service. Honeymoon salad. What's that? Lettuce alone. *** Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you. *** Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility. *** A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. *** Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls. *** Sometimes late at night in bed, I wonder what life choices do I have to make to be the guy who saysyeah in the background of hip-hop songs. *** I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. *** I believe in respect for the dead: in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead. *** It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more. *** What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them? *** When people won't talk to me, it doesn't bother me. When a dog won't let me pet them, man, that really hurts. *** You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. *** Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone *** Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you. *** Every morning is the dawn of a new error. *** The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. *** I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. *** Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing. *** You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. *** Strangers have the best candy. *** I think, therefore I'm single. *** Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. *** Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank. *** You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. *** Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court. *** I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking. *** My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology. *** If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know. *** Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate. *** Teacher: Name a bird with wings but can't fly. Student: A dead bird, sir. *** Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking. *** I used to build stairs for a living, it's an up and down business. *** After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF! *** Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms. *** If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband he's not listening anyway. *** Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends. *** The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake. *** If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke. *** Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds! *** What is an alien's favorite candy? A Mars bar! *** The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train. *** Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is. *** How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery. *** How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house. *** If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos. *** Ask me about my vow of silence. *** What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a mile between the s's! *** Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. *** I intend to live forever or die trying. *** I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it. *** My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status I'm getting a divorce, he was the first one to click Like. *** Maybe it's not global warming. Maybe it's just planetary menopause. *** Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it! *** What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea. *** People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. *** For those who never forget a face, you are an exception. *** It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried. *** Fathers Day is just like Mothers Day, only you don't spend as much. *** Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try. *** How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. *** What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on. *** What does reading comprehension even mean? *** Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves! *** Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head. *** What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months! *** Here's to alcohol, the cause of – and solution to – all life's problems. *** Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. *** To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. *** The inventor of autocorrect in a mobile phone has died. Rest in Peas. *** A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. *** What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off. *** What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed? He puts his pajamazon. *** If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness? *** We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die. *** What do you call a Camel with 3 humps? Pregnant! *** Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum. *** If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? *** For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. *** Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I'm possible. *** I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now. *** I think you press 0 to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help they give you. *** Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas? *** Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs. One turns to the other and says: He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there. *** Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship. *** If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? *** I was once employed by the council to think up new names for all the cul-de-sacs in my town It was a real dead end job. *** Math Teacher: If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have? Student: A drinking problem. *** If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers. *** You know why there aren't any good science puns nowadays? Because all the good ones argon. *** My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league. *** I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. *** When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there. *** Never laugh at your girlfriends choices your one of them. *** A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer. *** What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. *** I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust. *** Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him. *** Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests. *** Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them. *** Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. *** My Girlfriend was walking in her sleep so I put a vacuum cleaner in her hand *** Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. *** A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing. *** What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs. *** Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. *** My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, My door is always open. *** Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down. *** No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they? *** The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine. *** Were any famous men born on your birthday? No, only little babies. *** People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made. *** My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport. *** Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words. *** If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President *** What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. *** You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, for example. *** It's not what man can create it's what man can become. *** If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping. *** Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted. *** The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. *** It's a good thing farts aren't contagious like yawns. *** Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers! *** You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, I'm fine than when you are flying on an airplane. *** I have a bumper sticker that says Honk if you think I'm sexy. Then I sit at green lights until I feel good about myself. *** Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates. *** Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store! *** I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other. *** Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market. *** The look in my wife's eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip. *** If I had $1 for every time I looked on the negative side of things, I'd have a huge tax bill. *** My old teacher used to tell me that I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia. Well I've recently made 3 jugs and a vase so up yours Mr Jones. *** Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678. *** Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they? *** The best way to keep a job is to work at it! *** Constipated people don't give a crap. *** Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? *** Even if it wasn't cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift. *** Diplomacy is saying nice doggy until you find a big rock. *** The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. *** Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. *** Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace. *** Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. *** Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it? *** I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me. *** Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. *** My New Years resolution is 1080p. *** I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time. *** Everybody repeat after me: We are all individuals. *** What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart! *** What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis. *** There's no I in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance. *** People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. *** Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. *** Today I have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee. *** Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero. I donate five, and get arrested? *** The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment. *** I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take. *** Sometimes I wake up grumpy: other times I let her sleep. *** Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number. *** The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth. *** I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. *** What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy. *** Some people are so poor, all they have is money. *** Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions *** A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, I think I might be a typo. *** Give it to me! Give it to me! she yelled, I'm so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella. *** What's your best non swearing insult? I hope you step on a lego. *** Fat Penguin. Excuse me?! I just wanted to say something that breaks the ice *** Teacher: I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass? Student: The cow ate the grass, sir. *** Everything happens for a reason: unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you. *** She said I wanna look bomb in the party. I said don't worry, we'll have a blast. *** What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH *** A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. *** Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank! *** Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost. *** Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one. *** sarcastic I'm Irish. You're not really speaking my language until you start yelling. *** What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. *** What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump! *** You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. *** It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year. *** If elevators hadn't been invented, all the CEOs would have their offices on the first floor as a sign of status. And the entry level employees would be up on the 60th floor. *** What do you call someone without a nose or a body? Nobodynose. *** Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty. *** We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour. *** What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! *** Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little animal you have to keep alive is yourself. *** A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. *** The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. *** Women with pasts interest men they hope history will repeat itself. *** Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. *** Fathering two daughters seemed like a good idea, but then glitter. *** Hitting birds is illegal and you get a big fine, I learned this when I kicked a pelican I ended up footing a massive bill. *** Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. *** Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other do you have to do that right now? *** I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? *** Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month. *** Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. *** Absolutely furious that a handful of things not suited to my taste are well liked by others. *** A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. *** If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ. *** I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born. *** If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction. *** There is a new trend in our office: everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin. *** I saw a sign that said Watch for children and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade. *** I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone. *** If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator? *** I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. *** To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. *** The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. *** If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection. *** No one is listening until you fart. *** Tennis would be way more exciting if they used dogs for ball boys. *** I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it *** Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday. *** What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback. *** There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire. *** The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill. *** Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian. *** Wives are like grenades Remove the ring and boom, a house is gone! *** Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. *** He's street smart. Sesame Street smart. *** Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils. *** All the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 66 million years ago I'm sorry, but they shouldn't all have been standing in the same place. *** Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now. *** Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down. *** You're IQ's lower than your shoe size. *** Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue! *** What do you call your sister if she only has one leg? Eileen. *** Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs *** I am probably single .because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008 *** Why is a bra singular and panties plural? *** I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust. *** When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electric bill, I am afraid of the light. *** If you do not say it, they can't repeat it. *** A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine. *** Having teenagers is just paying for a bunch of dates that you don't get to go on. *** I started wearing skinny jeans because they're fashionable and I was tired of my wife respecting me as a man. *** I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. *** I'm not crazy: I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years. *** I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. *** When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly. *** May you never leave your marriage alive. *** Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.. *** I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. *** A girl in a restaurant asked me Are you single?. I happily replied Yes. She took away the extra chair in front of me. *** A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass. *** I had prepared for a battle of wits but I see you came unarmed. *** Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit. *** I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates. *** 80 % of the brain is fluid. Unfortunately, in your case, it's brake fluid. *** Remember, it's not what you do it's what you get away with. *** This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable. *** The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. *** To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female… *** Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested. *** Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll. *** I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon. *** I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired? *** You don't work – you don't have money to live, you work – there's no time to live. *** It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME). *** Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. *** If you don't like my opinion of you – improve yourself! *** I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh. *** I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you. *** By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. *** I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying *** My boss just said to me You've been late five days this week Do you know what that means? I certainly do - it's FRIDAY! *** Why did the scarecrow win the competition? He wasoutstanding in his field! *** Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic. *** Wife renewed me for another season. *** My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy. *** Just had a date with a woman who welds for a living and oh my, were the sparks flying. *** What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. *** Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. *** I have the Emergency Alert Warning sound set as the ringtone for when my wife calls. *** Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball! *** You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own. *** Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. *** How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it. *** -4° looks like a depressed guy sitting on a toilet. *** I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear. *** A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. *** Look to your left --------------> I said left you idiot! *** I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio I don't understand a word they're saying. *** What did one pencil say to the other pencil? You're looking sharp! *** I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts. *** I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one. *** Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do? U stop imagining *** I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell. *** Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first! *** You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you! *** What did the painter say to her boyfriend? I love you with all my art! *** If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet. *** If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up. *** I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature. *** Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine. *** Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working. *** Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? *** Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. *** Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard. *** The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. *** The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist. *** I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out *** I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. *** I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice. *** There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot. *** Is everything expensive or I'm just poor? *** Ok, what's the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life? *** Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. *** The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. *** My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that *** Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. Dreams do come true I realized in the morning. *** Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong. *** Everyone my age is older than me *** A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. *** Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end. *** Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. *** Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen. *** I broke up with my girlfriend at restaurant. She started crying. Everyone thought I proposed her so they started clapping. *** They call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken. *** There are so many scams on the Internet these days . but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them. *** Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one. *** What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. *** How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day. *** What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive. *** What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't open the door? TRIFORCE! *** I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born! *** Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way. *** What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts. *** Teacher: Where was the Constitution of India signed? Student: At the bottom of the page! *** How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year. *** What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences. *** Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. *** Did you ever look at what's Popular on Netflix and think, man there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers watching Netflix? *** I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth. *** If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila! *** I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up. *** I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part. *** In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know that, because I kept a log. *** Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: I need to axe you a question. *** A guy and a dog are siting at a bar. Dog says to guy, you think your wifes a bitch! *** Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work. *** I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was Always. *** Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said I don't know about you but I can smell carrots! *** I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. *** If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. *** How do men define a 50/50 relationship? We cook-they eat: we clean-they dirty: we iron-they wrinkle. *** Is it weird that one nipple is bigger than my other two? *** If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! *** A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. *** An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs. *** What did the shuttlecock say when it got hit? Who's making all the racquet? *** The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. *** A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. *** Just saw two zombies on a date and they say romance is dead. *** I didn't know angels could fly so low. *** A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. *** To the women who say Men are only interested in one thing. Have you ever considered being more interesting? *** Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week. *** My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Well, a joke's on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car. *** If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2? *** One bird can't make a pun. But toucan. *** Why is a tennis game a noisy game? Because each player raises a racket. *** The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back. *** Legends don't die I am a living example! *** A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind. *** Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. *** If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate. *** What did the lacrosse stick say to the ball? Catch ya later! *** Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. *** I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing. *** Well son, in the90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool. *** Hi, can I follow you home tonight? Sorry, that came out a little strong, my mom always told me to follow my dreams. *** Do you need space? Join NASA! *** Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? A: It had no body to dance with! *** You're so short when you smoke weed you don't get high. *** I met my soulmate. She didn't. *** Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. *** Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people. *** Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? *** I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? *** The wordpossesses', possesses so many s's, that any one can't assess it without knowings', I guess ! *** Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it. *** How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other. *** What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast. *** How does a cup steal from you? He mugs you. *** It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. *** Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked. *** If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. *** I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles. *** When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. *** The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth. Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera. *** Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. *** Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz. *** My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup and save the other one for later, so I'm clearly married to a supernatural being. *** Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy! *** I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first. *** What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits! *** Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of. *** I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever. *** I had amnesia once - maybe twice. *** Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. *** We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, Assembly required. *** A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover. *** A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. *** There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate. *** Q: Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg? A: Don't worry he's ALRIGHT now! *** What race is never run? A swimming race. *** It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year. *** (NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him. *** Remember when It's complicated was a relationship status, not a gender? *** Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. *** Work is for people who don't know how to fish. *** Just saw a heavyset man carrying loads of weapons, even had one hanging out of his backside it was big arsen all. *** I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen. *** My prince is not coming on a white horse He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost. *** Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. *** What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries. *** Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster. *** Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. *** My job is secure. No one else wants it. *** My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out. *** The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. *** Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? *** No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian. is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby. *** My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate. *** If you're going through Hell, keep going. *** Don't let your worries get the best of you: remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *** I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work. *** I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route. *** My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton. *** When a guy says he's fine what he really means is he's fine. *** I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year. *** Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years. *** What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. *** If you can't convince them, confuse them. *** Where did you buy your stupidity? Or it was given for free and you took an overdose? *** Wife: You're addicted to skin lotion! Husband: Go ahead. Rub it in my face. *** Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young. *** I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out. *** I always adjust the seat and mirrors when I drive my husband's car so he doesn't forget he's married. *** If winning isn't everything why do they keep score? *** I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words. *** What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows. *** Insects puns bug me. *** Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers. *** My obese parrot died. It was a real weight off of my shoulder. *** I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados It's only a draft at the moment. *** Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape. *** I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about. *** Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this. *** What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon! *** My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts. *** I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks. *** Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing – you will not only regret but will also suffer. *** Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland! *** Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me. *** Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed! *** That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is. *** Tried watching The Neverending Story, couldn't finish it. *** My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird. *** He who laughs last thinks slowest. *** Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software it's called #Monday, please fix it *** Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99. *** Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. *** Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way. *** How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? *** The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. *** When in doubt, mumble. *** Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place. *** The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. *** What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist *** What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird. *** Oh I didn't tell you Then It must be none of your business *** As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free *** She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up! *** Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. *** When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. *** What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single. *** What do crabs smoke? Seaweed. *** What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta! *** I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face. *** I don't have an attitude: I have a personality you can't handle. *** My boyfriend said he didn't have a date that same day I caught him eating one. *** According to my kids Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well. *** I would hug you, but I would rather wait until I'm covered in syrup. And until you have nicer clothes on. -Toddlers *** Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic? *** How can you be so sad when you are so beautiful? *** Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough. *** Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes. *** Your hairline is like Pluto, unreachable. *** I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead. People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes. *** Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. *** Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. *** You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. *** Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. *** I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. *** Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. *** There are no winners in life only survivors. *** Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. *** Hackers brought down my online business but I managed to keep the website address and that's domain thing. *** Men swear they know everything until you ask them who is she. *** Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. *** With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me. *** Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack. *** Avoid arguments about the toilet seat use the sink *** Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter! *** What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you. *** Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock! *** Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. *** Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: Try heaven: you've already moved most of the earth. *** How is Columbia not a superpower yet? They produce cocaine and coffee. *** I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7. *** Live every day like it was the last day, and one day you won't miss. *** Girl, are you a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in you but I'm not getting much interest. *** Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing. *** The best part of being married on Valentine's Day is having all your expectations fulfilled. Because you have no expectations. *** You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken. *** Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance. *** If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom. *** Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn't afford plane fare. *** Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. *** If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. *** I don't know why people troll about China. Last year I bought a watch made in China it still shows me correct time when I bought it. *** How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. *** Cashier: How would you like to pay for this. Me: Not at all. *** Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. *** Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all. *** Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone. *** What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? Where on Earth have you been?! *** Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions. *** An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true. *** Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth? *** God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems. *** There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. *** Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things. *** Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood. *** Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up. *** Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is. *** They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. *** If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you. *** Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. *** Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. *** Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic: just really, really stupid. *** Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore. *** What's the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth! *** Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. *** I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point. *** (NAME) is a terrific athlete. He recently ran the London Marathon – he was aiming for 3 hours but just missed it! he made it in 3 hrs 150 minutes *** Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. *** Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming! *** You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway. *** If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney. *** I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, What an ass. *** Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go. *** If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser. *** What's wrong with my computer? It looks like your hard drive went soft. *** Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes. *** What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear *** Like a flat tire .how I'm rolling this morning. *** Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? *** Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. *** What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader. *** What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. *** Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. *** I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. *** I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know. *** It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up. *** When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I've been running for 10 years. *** My calling in life went straight to voicemail. *** You're more special than relativity. *** If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season? Fall. *** Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas. *** My son just called guacamole avocado spread and now I feel like I've failed as a parent. *** Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach become Secretary of Education. *** I have a split personality, said Tom, being frank. *** The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder. *** What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO! *** Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients. *** If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember You can always change your birthday on facebook! *** We're you made in a lab, cause damn you are one failed experiment. *** Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails. *** Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs I think it was thyme well spent. *** He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night! *** Wife: Honey? What do you think about my teeth? Husband: They remind me of stars yellow and far apart. *** Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail. *** Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less. *** My son was like I got a D in my maths and I was like That's really bad and my wife was like you need to stop doing his homework. *** Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera. *** I ran into lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained a light injuries. *** Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans. *** Are you ready to rock? Scissors: No. *** Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails any more? Boss: what *** I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him. *** Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. *** Approach a woman in a bar and whisper Hey, wanna get out of here? If she says yes, you can sit where she was. *** I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. *** I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shoutinglettuce leaf! *** This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure. *** Top Causes of Divorce: 4. Finances 3. Infidelity 2. Lack of Intimacy 1. Thermostat Wars *** What do you call a turkey that's got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner. *** Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes. *** Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste! *** If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him with my bear hands. *** When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does. *** Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? *** If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner. *** There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion. *** What does a baby computer call its father? Data. *** Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first! *** How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. *** One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home. *** I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her. *** How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. *** I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it. *** Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?! Doctor: No, it just looks like you are. *** Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them! *** You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction. *** The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments! *** What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic! *** Why did the lion broke up with his girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah! *** My annual performance review says I lack passion & intensity, guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac. *** A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. *** If at first you don't succeed: try management. *** I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling. *** The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it. *** I caught my neighborhood stealing my red food dye When he was caught red handed he said I'm gonna dye. *** Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock. *** Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. *** I know how to feed a nation…but will she eat it? *** What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. *** ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water? ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump? *** What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again. *** Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. *** Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. *** What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence. *** Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? Rudeolph *** My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. *** A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. *** I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell. *** Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot. *** If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large. *** Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. *** The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day. *** Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years? *** I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff. *** I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace So I bought her nothing. *** sarcastic My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me. *** What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming. *** So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invitemaybe next time isn't the correct response. *** Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. *** My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester. *** I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, One day, this could be you. I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right. *** I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn't fall for it *** They used to time me with a stopwatch now they use a calendar. *** Anger: the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. *** I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it. *** Always identify who to blame in an emergency. *** Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes. *** If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. *** I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it. *** Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana. *** Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries *** The truth is out there: it just hasn't been indexed well. *** I truly hope there is a stairway to heaven because I have a fear of elevators *** If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film Fast10 Your Seatbelts I'm going to be furious. *** If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane. *** What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill. *** You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone. *** One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, Who ate my salad? *** I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar. *** I love the way the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day. *** How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it! *** When I play rock, paper, scissors, people think I always choose scissors. They're wrong. I'm actually flashing a peace sign. Stop the violence. *** I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. *** If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging. *** Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. *** An old woman at a wedding told me that I'm next so I said that to her at a funeral. *** Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. *** I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell WELCOME TO NARNIA. *** Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right? *** I always wanted to learn to procrastinate just never got around to it. *** Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel. *** If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her. *** Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? *** Sorry I didn't respond to you just now. I was doing something productive and not wasting my precious time with your lowlife speeches. *** Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry gave you a tan. *** Why was the blonde so proud of herself? She finished a puzzle in 5 hours, the box said 3-5 years. *** The number one cause of death is too many birthdays. *** I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. *** It's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me. *** If she says, I'm OK, you're fine. If she says, I'm Fine, You're not OK. *** How did Ben Franklin feel about discovering electricity? He was shocked! *** One head is ok, but a whole body is much better. *** Nothing says I love you like divorce papers. *** All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second.. *** I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them. *** My weight loss goal is simple. I just want to lie on the beach without marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me. *** Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally. *** I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll. *** I'm gonna spend Valentines Day with my ex Box 360. *** I only drink on days beginning with T. Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow. *** Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I'm no good at birthday gifts. *** What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine? *** My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins. *** I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too. *** If I throw a stick, will you leave? *** You're so poor I saw you kicking a can across the street I asked you what you were doing you said moving. *** Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. *** My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea. She won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage *** There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. *** Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. *** Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. *** I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you. *** I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly *** Children are the leading cause of old age. *** Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don't show up. *** If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back? *** If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. *** Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. *** Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *** They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans. *** This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. *** Apparently, saying Wow, you've grown since I last saw you isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults. *** My mum bought me a book on procrastination at the start of high school. I haven't opened it yet. *** The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. *** See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. *** You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards. *** Why is a traffic light red? You would be red too if you were changing in front of people all day. *** Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. *** The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing. *** Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. *** What did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail? Rough, rough! *** What do you call a horse who expresses negative views? A Naysayer. *** The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite. *** The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is We're going for a break now, we'll be back later. *** I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case. *** My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh. *** The story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it. *** Has anyone heard the news about a festival in the US where a girl got her head stuck on a truck oversized tailpipe? Apparently she was exhausted *** I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon. *** In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now. *** I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date. *** I changed my password everywhere to incorrect. That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, Your password is incorrect. *** How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door. *** I wanted to be a hair stylist for bald people. *** Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. *** A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. A woman already knows. *** I became a vegetarian – switched to weed. *** What do you call the saddest waterway in Russia? Crimea River. *** What do you call the trousers of people who can't speak? Pant-O-Mimes! *** The dogs bark but the caravan moves on. *** What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space! *** 5-year plan? I haven't even planned this sentence volcano. *** Hey baby, if I supply the voltage and you some resistance, imagine the current we can make together. *** When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals *** I can't get enough minimalism. *** Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? His pants fit him like a glove. *** The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given. *** If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it. *** As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. *** I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes. *** Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore. *** I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet. *** Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. *** The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. *** When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked. *** When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running. *** A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. *** I intend to live forever. So far, so good. *** Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park! *** I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. *** Hallmark Card: I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here. *** Why did the coach go back to the bank? To get his quarterback! *** I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side. *** There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A if you know what I mean. *** What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin! *** IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. *** I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. *** If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time. *** This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table. *** How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things. *** I am so single once I tried to change my Facebook status from single to relationship, captcha pops on my screen Facebook thought I may be a robot. *** I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree. *** Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore. *** It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole. *** I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse. *** Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? *** How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They are efficient and don't have humor. *** How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them. *** I got myself into this, and I'll get myself even deeper into this. *** Cake: the answer, no matter the question. *** Autocorrect just changed I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe to I'm fine. *** I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed looked. *** Why did the girl wear glasses in math class? It improves di-vision. *** I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck. *** Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind. *** Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet. *** Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it. *** What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. *** I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force. *** Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken! *** The janitor said he took out the trash last night, he must forgot a piece, what are you still doing here? *** I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. *** To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative. *** Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass. *** Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you? *** I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him. *** You have a room temperature IQ - if the room is in Antarctica. *** The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. *** Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. *** What book do you like the most? Woman: My husband's checkbook. *** Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier. *** How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they declare darkness to be the new standard. *** Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME). *** Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead. *** I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. *** Marriage isn't for everybody - men for instance! *** There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey. *** Did you hear they banned fans from doing The Wave at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning. *** How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear. *** Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones. *** Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said concentrate! *** Trump should not have said shit-hole countries. The correct term is turd-world countries. *** I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant. *** Your momma is so mean she has no standard deviation. *** Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us? *** After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off. *** Every function without you will always be void of love. *** Instead of comparing yourself to your peers, change it up and compare yourself to rocks. I am doing pretty good for a rock. *** What's another name for the highway to hell? The route of all evil. *** My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn't know how to shave properly Bloody cheek! *** If Apple built a house would it have windows? *** Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, Isn't it dark down here? She replies, I don't know. I can't see. *** How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday! *** Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often. *** You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party. *** How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead. *** My name is John but you can call me tonight. *** What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. *** Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed. *** The 80s were great because I didn't have to look at your selfies. *** Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf! *** Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, Disneyland Left. So they started crying and went home. *** I'm starting to think cyber security is at the same level as mall security *** I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself. *** What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. *** What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey! *** I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. *** Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret. *** I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex. *** Drinktill she's cute, but stop before the wedding. *** You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best. *** Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up! *** A blonde said, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid. *** I'm blonde. What's your excuse? *** I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now. *** The light at the end of the tunnel might just be an incoming train. *** 16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in? The sign said 18+. *** The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. *** What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds. *** Why do blondes always wash there hair? They just read the instructions. Lather Rinse Repeat *** Save your breath You'll need it to blow up your date. *** What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer. *** Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? *** Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant. *** I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife. *** Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. *** Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police. *** The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have. *** Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand *** This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester. *** A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame. *** As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear. *** If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? *** You're old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics. *** Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. *** I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me. *** What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together! *** Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake. *** Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home! *** What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor? *** Sometimes I go into the fitting room with jeans three sizes too big so I can feel what it's like to succeed at a diet. *** It's better to be the first lover than a third wife. *** Why did the M&M go to school? Because he really wanted to be a Smartie! *** The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship I apologize and You are right. *** I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments. *** What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block. *** Marriage is all about compromise. For example, today I agreed to never sit in certain chairs in exchange for one chair I can sleep in. *** For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships. I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis. *** Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either. *** How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. *** According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me. *** Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken! *** As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, You know, one would have been enough. *** How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the bathtub. *** Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby? *** Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack. *** What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats. *** I get queasy at the sight of my own blood, but I could paint a barn with yours. *** People are lot less judgy when you say you ate anavocado salad instead of a bowl of guacamole. *** I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall: honestly, you couldn't make it up. *** One time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe? *** Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball! *** Chinese takeaway - £27.50. Petrol to get there - £3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless *** Every time I tell a punny cow joke, I butcher it. *** People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. *** Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round. *** A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house. *** My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it. *** What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste. *** Want to hear a pizza joke nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame. *** If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front. *** If a stranger offers you a piece of candy take two. *** Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. *** If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte? *** What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees. *** What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards. *** Only an ass can be divided in half. *** How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to. *** Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth. *** What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids? If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy! *** Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. *** I love my six packs so much that I have protected it with layers of fat. *** What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? I'm stuck on you! *** If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos! *** Tea is like F5 to me, it's refreshing. *** Eternally long a woman can be looking at 3 things in a supermarket. And then, bang! She buys 7 things! *** Marriage through the ages creates new reflexive responses, for example it was only the other night the wife panted that she was so very hot, so I turned on the airconditioner. *** Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work. *** What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away. *** I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, blow on it, and put it back in. *** If the sun is so hot how come it's single. *** My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years. *** Muy Picante: What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeño business! *** Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition? *** What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. *** Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy. *** What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion. *** What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic. *** Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic. *** What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, Spit out your gum, and the other says, Choo choo choo! *** No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. *** Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. *** Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Because it was always sweeping during class! *** Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places. *** I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner? *** Our conscience is clear- we don't use it. *** Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. *** Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket! *** To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. *** Where did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher! *** What did the pirate say when he found someone? I sea you! *** How does a blonde drown a fish? She puts it in water! *** Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. *** Let's convert our potential energy into kinetic energy. *** Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, It's dark in here isn't it? The other replied, I don't know: I can't see. *** You should need a license to be that ugly. *** What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes! *** If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you. *** How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle! *** I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. *** Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill. *** You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'. *** Real men don't cry…tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body. *** You can't have everything, where would you put it? *** The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. *** I think without doubt the best job in Iraq, would have to be Foreign Ambassador *** Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it. *** It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look! *** I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep. *** I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice. *** Dentist: You need a crown. Patient: Finally someone who understands me *** I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene. *** What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more. *** What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day! *** Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shit. *** I'm so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch. *** Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back. *** Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. *** How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? *** Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. *** My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. *** Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. *** My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. *** I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants or if they're just doing a really good job. *** If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common. *** My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already. *** Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. *** A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture. *** Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. *** I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes. *** I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath. *** Waitress:Do u have any questions about the menu? Me:What kind of font is this? *** My doctor told me youll be alive only for 24 hours! When I wanted to leave him he told me: Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday. *** Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple. *** Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional. *** Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy. *** Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed. *** Without ME, it's just AWESO. *** Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery. *** Best goal keepers are women : they never let any ball enters *** Just a reminder to all married people: If you have promised your wife or husband that you will love her 24/7, then today is 24/7! *** I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression. *** I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife I thought it would be a romantic jester *** Never answer an anonymous letter. *** My other body is in the Photoshop. *** How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero. *** Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for. *** How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem. *** A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink. *** Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time. *** My pencil is gone. It's pointless though. *** My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan. *** Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past. *** Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. *** Do you want to know how I get all these insults? I use something called intelligence. *** Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you. *** Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment. *** Why does Santa have three gardens? So he canho ho ho'! *** Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Wait until it's born. *** I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around! *** There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. *** What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack. *** The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get. *** Its girls like u that cause global warming! *** I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response. *** It currently feels like we're living in the Days Leading Up To section of the history books. *** What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend. *** Hell hath no fury like a mother who sees her child using plates reserved only for guests. *** Although I have to repeat myself several times for my children to listen, I take great comfort knowing that one day nothing will annoy them more than me repeating myself. *** A large group of other people's children is called a Nope. *** People just like to argue. People: No we don't. *** I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute. *** Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? *** When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams? *** Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long. *** How much did the butcher charge for his venison? A buck! *** I used to date a girl that reported the weather. We had a very stormy relationship. *** I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow. *** Why was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin. *** It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter It was raining cats and dogs! *** 26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. *** If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? *** Why did the turkey play drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks! *** I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen. *** Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever. *** What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel. *** Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today. *** Why can't Trump go to White house anymore? It's FOR BIDEN. *** I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said WHERE? *** Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth. *** What do you call someone who is afraid of picnics? A basket case! *** I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection. *** What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium. *** I used to do magic in a Chinese restaurant only problem is an hour later everyone wanted to see it again! *** Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. *** You look like a person that would exchange one of your chromosomes for a Big Mac. *** Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love: the poor know that it is money. *** What do call an Irishman sitting by the pool? Paddy O'Furniture. *** Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running. *** Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one. *** Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep. In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind. *** I watched a documentary on LSD last night, it really changed my perception. *** What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette. *** You are so poor when you saw the garbage truck pass you took a shopping list with. *** Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity. *** I feel so tired every time I meet you Why? Because whenever I look into your eyes I can't find the way out. *** I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later. *** Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? Cause he hadno body to dance with. *** Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms. *** I screamed at my neighbor, What on earth are you doing on our roof! He screamed back, I saw you at the bar, and you said the drinks were on the house! *** People often ask me if my French jokes are immature wee. *** Men of quality respect women's equality. *** The worst thing about having a ghost in your house is the douchey ghost hunters. *** I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree. *** Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. *** I hate peer pressure and you should too. *** Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. *** I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding. I've been to Amsterdam There are signs pointing to her house everywhere. *** I took my relatives kids to the movies it only cost all the money I had for the cookout tomorrow and my rent. *** What did one candle say to the other? Don't birthdays burn you up? *** I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. *** I was going to share a vegetable joke but it's corny. *** I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary? She said, Somewhere I have never been! I told her, How about the kitchen? *** Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle. *** Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because of the lactose. *** Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded. *** One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast. *** Take my advice — I'm not using it. *** My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours Well, good friends are hard to find. *** Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, Damn, I forgot to feed the dog. *** Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. *** He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings. *** I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. *** A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones. *** Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying I have a computer question. *** I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75. *** We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. *** The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. *** 668 – The neighbour of the beast. *** Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die. *** If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet? *** Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again. *** You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering. *** I have a statistics joke, but it's not significant. *** When do you congratulate someone on their mistake? On their marriage. *** My mother used to make me walk the plank when I was younger, we couldn't afford a dog. *** Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside! *** Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try. My fucking goldfish died. *** THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. *** Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don't get too many penalty flags. *** Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color. *** Stress is caused by giving a fuck. *** To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. *** When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen. *** You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. *** Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener? She thought it was diet coke. *** The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. *** You're so fat that the only way you can fit your whole body into a photo is to use panorama. *** If my body is a temple than eating pancakes is a form of prayer. *** I mostly just scroll through Instagram as a reminder of what brands I said out loud yesterday. *** My favorite part of Fall is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time. *** If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again: it was probably worth it. *** I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. *** Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless! *** Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. *** I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up. *** The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me. *** If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story. *** If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world. *** If your parachute won't open, you have the rest of your life to fix it. *** I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long. *** Make sure you limit your video game time today, I don't want you to become super violent. Remember, before video games war wasn't a thing. *** I entered 10 puns into a pun contest hoping at least one would win. But no pun in ten did. *** I'm aging like a fine banana. *** Vegetarian: Native American definition for lousy hunter. *** If I had a pound for every woman who called me handsome I'd have a pound. Thanks Grandma. *** Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads! *** When a twitter troll disappears it just means his mom changed the wifi password until his chores are done. *** What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places. *** I threw my toaster away because it kept burning my bread. You could say I'm black toast intolerant. *** My parents, age 25: We have a mortgage, a baby and a pension plan! Me, age 25: It's 3am and i can't afford an uber good thing i wore my running shoes! *** If breaks are meant to be slow then why do they call it breakfast? *** People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. *** Women who seek to be equal to men LACK AMBITION! *** Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel. *** What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come! *** Bugs come in through open Windows. *** A long time ago we had Empires run by Emperors. Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries .. *** Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! *** What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe. *** I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses. *** I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable. *** If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview. *** A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals! *** The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. *** What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back! *** What do you call a Russian procrastinator? Putinoff. *** What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine. *** Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do. *** Girls are like internet domain names the ones I like are already taken. *** Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it. *** Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run! *** Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission. *** I always cry at weddings, especially my own. *** Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it. *** Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive *** Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. *** I finally found a diet plan that works. It's calledThe Cost of Food'. *** What did Spartacus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator. *** The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live. *** Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building. It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump. *** What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny. *** A life in politics is full of parties. *** How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet. *** When you're wondering whether she's his daughter or his girlfriend, she's his girlfriend. *** Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it. *** Maybe adults aren't afraid of monsters under the bed anymore because we know that if we get eaten by one we won't have to go to work the next day. *** You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. *** Coldplay is like depression you can hear. *** Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed lunch order to launch order. *** Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle. *** Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life. *** A man to a woman, Did you see my watch? I was so busy that I didn't have time to find it. *** My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get. *** What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. *** We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works. *** I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? *** What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming! *** How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk. *** Being in a relationship is like riding a bike, but the bike is on fire and everything around you is on fire because you're in hell. *** I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right! *** How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer! *** Q: Why do manly ghosts have so much trouble dating? A: Women can see right through them! *** What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot! *** What did one ghost say to another ghost? Do you believe in people? *** That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently. *** Women should not have children after 35. Really 35 children are enough. *** My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized. *** Can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's an escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Think it's time for a new keyboard. *** Nurse: We need a stool sample and a urine sample. Man to wife: What did she say? Wife to husband: They want your underwear. *** On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight? *** The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly. *** My IQ came back negative. *** Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go. *** Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here. *** When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. *** I would make a joke about Shrek, but they are too ogre-used. *** I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues. *** There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable *** I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception *** I hate jokes about prom. The punch line is always too long. *** The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off. *** I invented a new word today. Plagiarism. *** I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts. *** An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain. *** Becoming a parent is great. It's a beautiful and rewarding experience. It's almost as good as not becoming one. *** What dog can't bark? A hot dog. *** How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work. *** Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me? *** What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE! *** Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it. *** If you want to hide your face, go out naked. *** There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home *** A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, Oh alright, I'll stay the night. *** How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. *** If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor. *** To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid. *** Wow, that was embarrassing. I opened my fridge and saw my salad dressing. *** Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. *** I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day. *** If zombies are attacking you, just invite them to a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of a party! *** An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete! *** He's so far in the closet, he can see Narnia. *** Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love. *** Why do field hockey players never sweat? They have too many fans! *** My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back. *** Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. *** I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores. *** Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu? *** Did you get a bowl of soup with that haircut? *** What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson! *** What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold. *** I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof. *** What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers! *** How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave. *** I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it. *** Someone said you sounded like an owl. Who? *** If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis *** Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall? *** Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine. *** Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture. *** Why are fish never good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net. *** A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number. *** Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. *** How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off. *** Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody. *** What do you call a mountain where people never sleep? Mt Neverest. *** What kind of fish can't swim? A dead one. *** I know I'm getting old the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels. *** Neil Armstrong's only regret while he was alive was that he forgot to take a selfie on the moon. *** Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve. *** What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick! *** Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: Put on two coats. *** The founders of Foursquare came up with the name of the company when using off-brand toilet paper. *** I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice. *** The new iPhone X has facial recognition. Some of you all ladies are gonna be locked out after you wash your face off. *** Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind. *** What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray! *** Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me? *** What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese. *** Happy Mother's Day! Yes, it's today. How fast can you glue macaroni into a bracelet? *** The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about. *** If you cross an owl and a rooster, do you get a cock that stays up all night? *** I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser! *** My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $100 on me and $500 on her. *** Why did the volleyball players go to the library for practice? The coach told them they'll be doing some reading today. *** Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights. *** The real rich is the one who can enjoy from the cheapest things. *** Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you. *** I've been saying mucho to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately. It means a lot to him. *** I bought the smallest Fitbit they've got because I wanna get fit but just a little bit. *** Wife: There is something wrong with you. Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson. *** You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. *** I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected. *** I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop. *** Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud. Yes sir, it's fresh ground. *** A nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn't really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them. *** What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up. *** I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, Walk normal next time, you fruitcake. *** I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges. *** My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983. *** Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin. *** Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job. *** Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. *** One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. *** If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year. *** You can't live, without, your liver *** How are you related to the sun? Because your teeth are the same colour as it. *** English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. *** Doc says to the patient, You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You're stretching it completely out of shape. *** What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? I'm sweet on you! *** I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches. *** She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. *** Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out. *** You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. *** I heard Jesus was a gangster he had a few wise guys looking out for him that's for sure. *** Turning vegan is a big missed steak. *** My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full. *** My math teacher called me average. How mean! *** A wise man once said Nothing, he only listened. *** Never trust a dog to watch your food. *** People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow. *** What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells. *** Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day. *** I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. *** Dream carefully, because dreams come true. *** I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't. *** I like using misdirection in my jokes, or do I? *** I can't jump over a cow, but you should check out my calves. *** You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list. *** I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited. *** What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon. *** Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket. *** I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn't see things clearly. *** It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. *** Till now my life was a mystery now I am going to make it a history. *** If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? *** I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas. *** What kind of tan did pilgrims get to the beach? Puritan. *** I dont care or think about the people in my past there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future! *** Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment? *** My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I've never even seen a werewolf. *** What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? Shall we prey! *** Her: Do you like cats? Me flipping menu: What page are you on? *** I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand. *** All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries. *** My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale. *** I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded! *** You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. *** My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, No, wait! I can change. *** The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. *** What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F. *** I once dated a woman who uses a nightlight. What a turn off. *** How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder Instruction Manuals. *** How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares? *** It's not love until you don't want them to have a good time without you. *** Save the whales. Collect the whole set. *** Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! *** A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved! *** What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes? Prankenstein! *** Where do fish work? The offish. *** Goes to the gym, lays on the mat to stretch, falls asleep. *** Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well Enough about ME! How about you? *** He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said What is wrong with it? It's swollen. *** How did the reporter kill himself? Noosepaper. *** I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. *** Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. *** Throws salad into a garden: Go home boy you're free now. *** Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose to pay for self destruction *** Scientists are concerned the legalization of marijuana in Canada may result in an entire nation of overly friendly and polite people. *** Why won't women make good Carpenters? Because men have been saying this much is a foot for years. *** If Russians pronounce B's as V's then Soviet. *** What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni change. *** Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare. *** Shocked by the Sears news today, I had no idea it was still open. *** If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him. *** I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. *** What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right. *** Say what you want about deaf people *** I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything. *** Why don't you trust me?, she texted both the guys simultaneously. *** When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time. *** What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge! *** In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people. *** One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. *** Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up! *** Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it! *** Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will Let It Go! *** Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he's a guy but he could have been Fe Male. *** I'll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn't start to hate me until we were in high school. *** What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing. *** Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit! *** I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper. *** My wife has left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. *** With a calendar, your days are numbered. *** What is an extreme sport? Doing you homework, while the teacher is collecting it. *** What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. *** I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention. *** Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on? *** What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand! *** Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. *** I used to a fan of evolution. But then I have evolved. *** Where do zombies like to go swimming? The Dead Sea. *** wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me climbing out of fort YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER! *** What's the object of a Jewish football game? To get the quarterback. *** What kind of bees make milk? Boobies *** The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google the names they call you when it ends badly. *** Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. *** Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down. *** People think New Years is a life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow. *** What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth. *** Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up! *** I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. *** Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed. *** My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon. *** What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language? Nobody's perfect! *** What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th. *** I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways! *** Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate! *** A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion. *** Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voicemails. *** An invention of the hug: You look sad. Let me choke your whole body *** Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution. *** Why should you wary of stairs? Because they are always up to something. *** I have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now. *** When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing. *** I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking? *** I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet. *** The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. *** I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton. *** I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it. *** With great power comes a great electricity bill. Watt a powerfull message. *** What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet. *** Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. *** Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them. *** Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize! *** Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house. *** Whoever coined the phrase Quiet as a mouse has never stepped on one. *** Ladies, some advice, if he doesn't appreciate fruit puns You need to let that mango. *** What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. *** Sorry I'm late but I wanted to make sure I missed most of it. *** Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. *** What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show ! *** I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me. *** He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. *** Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty! *** What part of your family can you see through? A transparent. *** I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu! *** My dad used to tell me always leave them wanting more, which is probably why he lost his job in disaster relief. *** I have a lot in common with my Velcro wallet. We're both simple and great at holding everything in. *** A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? *** You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. *** What do you call a owl that does magic tricks? Hoodini. *** Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. *** Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks. *** if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects? *** Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime! *** S.I.N.G.L.E sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting! *** A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs. *** What is the most dangerous thing in your freezer? Ice is. *** A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce. *** Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy. *** My ideal date: We order food, I eat mine and yours. you are impressed and order me more. *** My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. *** I went to buy a new mattress the other day. I wasn't sure about it, so the salesman told me to go away and sleep on it. *** Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level! *** Women are cursed, and men are the proof. *** Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. *** What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese! *** My friend's in prison for flashing: he says he can't bare it anymore. *** I got fired from Yankee candle factory because I refused to work wick ends! *** Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care! *** I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest. *** The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. *** You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? *** Just seen a sign that made me shit myself.. it said toilet closed. *** It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody *** I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me. *** Sorry I'm late! I was at home sitting down. *** I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. *** A storm blew away only 25 % of my roof last night. Oof *** I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it so I said Implants? *** It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. *** The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end. *** The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him. *** Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. *** If you are having a blind date on a glacier. Don't break the ice. *** You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. *** Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have. *** What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an A bra. *** A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one. *** Yo mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin Donuts was a basketball team. *** Pork and Leek great flavor for sausages lousy brand name for condoms. *** What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. *** Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. *** Duck tape fixes everything Except relationships because she won't let you put it over her mouth. *** Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult? *** You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly. *** Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year *** Q: What is a plumber's favorite food? A: A leek! *** forgets to bring phone into the bathroom I'm off the grid *** My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl. *** What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter. *** How Do they say F k You in Hollywood? Trust Me *** Why do we call # a hashtag and not pound? Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement. *** What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's. *** I turned on the light to wake up my kids. My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button. *** People keep telling me to become a stand-up comedian and I'm like Ugh, standing. *** What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up. *** If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it. *** I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit. *** Autocorrect is Freudian slip of smartphone age. *** Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. *** The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. *** Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly. *** What are you eating and how can I help? -Dogs *** Happy Birthday! You're now living proof of the old saying that Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. *** I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people. *** 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2. *** A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do. *** Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch! *** Don't anybody move! I lost my brain somewhere here. *** The person next to me on this train hasn't stopped talking loudly the whole journey! I'm starting to regret marrying her. *** The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. *** Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too. *** I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped. *** What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. *** It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. *** Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards. *** Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love. *** Your so dense, light must bend around you. *** I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you. *** Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit. *** I should have known that my marriage was bound to be doomed when my wife choose to have her vows be read from the Necronomicom. *** Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear. *** What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men. *** Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely. *** It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. *** A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. *** Escalators don't break down they just turn into stairs. *** I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems. *** Few women admit their age: few men act it. *** Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater. *** When a woman says what? It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said. *** People who write u instead of you. What do you do with all the time you save? *** Pig says: My name is bacon. Chris P. Bacon. *** Who was the first to see a cow and think I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out? *** Like arguing with a forest fire. *** Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage. *** What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer! *** Me: How much for the baby dragon? Pet store clerk: Sir, that's a lizard. Me: not listening When do they start breathing fire? *** If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive. *** You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says one at a time please. *** If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words. *** I was polite today. I said please. Well actually, I said bitch please But whatever. *** It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding. *** The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. *** You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. *** What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms. *** See that shadow on the wall? It's brighter than your future. *** Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Sirl: Yes, February 14th. *** How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow. *** There's a reason it's called girls gone wild and not women gone wild. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. *** I went geese hunting the other day but once they started flying I knew the game was up. *** Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side. *** After Yoko Ono told John Lennon she loves him 8 days a week, Lennon wrote the song Help!. *** My wife asked me What are the chances I will get accepted into a convent if I lose weight? I said slim to nun. *** Who lit the fuse on your tampon? *** Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem. *** Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor? *** New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar. *** A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged. *** Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know. *** What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You're too young to smoke. *** A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily… *** When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your mom and dad grow up. *** I wish I had a man around the house to hand me my tools while I'm fixing things. *** I'm at a McDonalds and their phone just rang. I have to assume whoever is making that call is a completely unstable human being. *** Why was the broom late? It over swept! *** Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion. *** The bartender says we don't serve time travelers in here. A time traveler walks into a bar. *** My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him. *** Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly. *** I'm on the highway to hell, but ran over the pothole to hell and need the roadside assistance to hell. *** Money is the root of all wealth. *** Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. *** A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. *** Me in public: There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague. *** Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run. *** Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma. *** We need to show compassion for the mentally ill without letting them run for President. *** How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb? What do you mean it was out, it was in! *** Every morning before school mom would give me 8 quarters for lunch and every evening I'd sit on the toilet trying to pass them. *** Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency? *** Stories of untold sufferring never stay that way. *** What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia! *** Stop referring to us as weed smokers. From now on, you can call us your highness. *** They call me coffee cause I grind so fine. *** My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder. *** What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. *** Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect. *** Sorry, my dog ate your text message. *** What do bees do with their honey? They cell it. *** Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score. *** Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? *** I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold and eaten.. *** What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. *** Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing. *** When there's a will, I want to be in it. *** My dad was a stalker. I want to follow him in his footsteps. *** Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a bakery. *** Nutella: A reason to buy bread. *** Life doesn't hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon. *** Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk! *** I took an IQ test and the results were negative. *** That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat. *** Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art It has no survival value: rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. *** We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means. *** We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I took a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was Michael. *** I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That's like midnight in middle-age time. *** My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos. *** Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching. *** Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up! *** Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9. *** The girl at the bar: You're funny. I bring her over to meet my wife: Tell her what you said. *** The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. *** Do you know the difference between fitting and proper? It goes like this: I could shove my thumb up your butt right now, and it would probably fit But it wouldn't be proper. *** A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away. *** My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met. *** Recently I heard about a vampire that was so mathematically challenged that he couldn't count Dracula! *** I could make jokes about fences, but they are offencive. *** When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell. *** Cannibals like to meat people. *** God, I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce. *** You must be from Pearl Harbor,cause baby, you're the bomb. *** What is live? Life is love. Whats love? Love is kissing. Whats kissing? Come here and I show you. *** No matter what has happened. No matter what you've done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it. *** I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion. *** Netflix and scroll through the selections until it's too late to start watching anything. *** I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. Edit: Wow, can't believe this blew up. *** Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites ! *** What did Mister A say to Mister E? It's the popular mystery. *** Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. *** The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. *** I had such a crush on my sixth-grade teacher I was home schooled. *** White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope. *** Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. *** I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said I've been waiting all day for you Well I said. I got here as fast as I could. *** Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again. *** Some of us learn from the mistakes of others: the rest of us have to be the others. *** My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater. *** Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. *** My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. *** The reward for a job well done is more work. *** Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them *** Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car. *** What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! *** Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house. *** A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and says aww some asshole got my pen. *** Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand. *** I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent. *** I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, I'm peeing in here! Fucking b tch. *** People who make you feel special are keepers. Anyone with such good taste has to be admired. *** Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries. *** Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that your numbers not in it. *** Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you. *** I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull *** What is it? It is a pronoun. *** Is your name Summer? ‘Coz you're HOT! *** What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. *** All generalizations are false, including this one. *** With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. *** Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing! *** It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month. *** Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. *** Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel! *** Let's walk and talk. You go that way. *** Here's a step by step guide to walking up the stairs, step 1) Right foot, step 2) Left foot, step 3) Right foot *** When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon! *** I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%. *** I don't like telling dairy jokescause they're always too cheesy. *** I just drank a monster energy drink and I'm still depressed but like, excitedly. *** Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough. *** If you rearrange the letters in Vladimir Putin you get murdered. *** Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, man, I could do that! *** In India a man was bitten by a snake as he tried to take aselfie'. How the snake managed to bite the man and hold a phone simultaneously is a mystery. *** The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something *** An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought. *** Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up. *** Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer! *** What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood! *** Whoever put the S in fastfood is marketing genius. *** I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. *** Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. *** I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging. *** I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT. *** Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years. *** What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? I love you a ton! *** Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: Where to Stay on Vacation by Moe Tell. *** 30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown. *** Deodorant? No, I've never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes. *** You so fat that when you stepped onto a scale it said. Bitch I never asked for your phone number. *** Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid and Crystal Meth? He said he could stop anytime. *** What is the diffrent between a girl and a cellphone You can put a selfone on silent. *** Why did the lady sing lullabies to her purse? She wanted a sleeping bag! *** Whenever I get on my roof to clean the gutters, I always slip and fall. Every shingle time. *** What's the difference between a knife and a feminist? The knife has a point. *** A warning shot into the head. *** You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush', ‘Dick', and ‘Colon'. Need I say more? *** Can February March? No, but April May! *** I would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them. *** Thinking of sleeping on my husband's side of the bed today. Apparently from that side, you don't hear the kids wake up at night. *** How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. *** I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again. *** Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart. *** Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me. *** How come you're responsible if you do your taxes in March, but I'm crazy when I do my trick-or-treating in September? *** Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education! *** Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore. *** Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. *** If I discovered a new animal I'd call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians. *** Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic *** The results of a Harvard study found that 9 out of 10 people who do not eat meat suffer from chronic constipation, proving that what happens in vegans, stays in vegans. *** When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say Oh sorry or Well that sucks. *** Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? *** How do they say fuck you in Los Angeles? Trust me. *** Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it. *** Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers. *** I saw some dude trick a vegan into eating real cheese. How dairy. *** WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. *** My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, Wait, I can change. *** There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. *** The only time the world beats a path to your door It is when you're in the bathroom! *** The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie. *** I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for. *** If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English *** Your body is a poop gun and eating is reloading. *** The slogan for Canada Dry should be I hope you feel better. *** I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift. *** You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it. *** Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018! *** I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair. *** April Fools Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are. *** What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? Stay calm, and do not lose your head. *** puns The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out. *** My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon. *** Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6. His statue is 17ft 4. That's Horatio of about 3:1. *** Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who? *** Well, just told the Starbucks barista my name is No War in Syria. I know it's not much, but I hope it helps. *** I haven't been ignoring you: I've been prioritizing you. *** What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test. *** Wolverine is a man of many talons, isn't he? *** What kind of tea do you drink with the Queen? Royal tea. *** I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. *** I changed my password to incorrect. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say Your password is incorrect. *** Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale. *** What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1 *** America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. *** I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.. *** The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself This changes everything. *** My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five. *** You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water. *** Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted. *** A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence. *** I am not catholic, don't cross me. *** It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative. *** Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. *** It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim. *** My mum always used to say 40 is the new 30. Lovely woman banned from driving. *** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. *** Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs? *** What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak. *** A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I don't know son, I'm still paying. *** My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly I'm not a fan. *** Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in. *** You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book. *** Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies. *** I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day *** Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up. *** What did the math book say to the psychologist? Would you like to hear my problems? *** What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper! *** I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting. *** In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. *** What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet! *** Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. *** What did the Zero say to the Eight? Nice belt! *** If you were on fire and I had water I would drink it. *** How do you make NY Jets cookies? Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours. *** Why can't you play badminton in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs. *** What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session. *** My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing. *** When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins. *** Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently. *** Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. *** Such a little man, such a drama queen. *** She is not my reword, I am her punishment. *** If you're ever angry just punch an orphan. What will they do? Complain to their parents? *** How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. *** If you say I knew you were going to say that enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings. *** Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk! *** What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key. *** British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray. *** Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? *** You're about as useful as a bucket without a bottom. *** Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. *** If you are joining a new bank bring money with you, make sure you take that into account. *** Black humor is like food, not everyone gets it. *** If a woman speaks and no one is listening her name is probably Mom. *** Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader. *** Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. *** Where do ghosts play tennis? On a tennis corpse! *** When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies? *** My roommate says our house is haunted. I've been living here for 300 years and i haven't noticed shit. *** I'm rich: what am I supposed to do, hide it? *** Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine. *** How do you know if you're an ugly girl? If you know what the drinks cost at a bar. *** Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees. *** When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. *** eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches. *** I broke a mirror the other day that's 7 years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me 5. *** Yo mama so stupid she tried to climb mountain dew. *** A rolling stone somebody pushed it. *** What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful. *** Do people who go to the gym to feel the burn know nothing of Mexican food? *** What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips! *** No man has ever won a game of Notice anything different about me? *** Son: What's an inheritance? Me: Nothing you need to be concerned with. *** How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you! *** Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there. *** Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths. *** I don't do different things It's just that I do things differently! *** The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. *** Buy a prepaid gift card from Starbucks or another store for $25. Then use it for yourself till it only has 25 cents left on it. Present it as a gift to your fool. *** You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall is in love with me. *** Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you. *** I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008. *** You look like somebody stepped on a goldfish. *** If God is your co-pilot - swap seats. *** Before starting to stand up comedy I used to think I'll die of hunger. Now, I'm quite sure about it. *** I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today. *** A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. *** When is a field hockey player like a judge? When she sits on the bench. *** Generally, all generalisations are false. *** Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked. *** You're so old that your first car was a covered wagon. *** Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you. *** Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future. *** If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it. *** 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21. *** There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human. *** My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning. *** I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back. *** I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife. *** Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher. *** My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4. *** Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick. *** When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through. *** The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma. *** Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years. *** How is education going to make me smarter? *** Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself of how many seconds he has to hog the ball. *** If you're waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, 'cause it's gonna be a really long time. *** I like jokes but i like hu mor. *** Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to. *** Stop with the blind jokes I don´t see the point. *** What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after! *** Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water! *** I organized a threesome for (NAME)'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun. *** My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion. *** One day we shall wake up together: me and my money. *** Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst. *** Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already. *** Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures. *** A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. *** Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break. *** Why did Michael's grades drop after the holidays? Because everything was marked down! *** Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money. *** Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. *** Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? It was two tired. *** Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice. *** What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic *** I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. *** College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back. *** Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: Hi, I usually don't make it this far. *** To write with a broken pencil is pointless. *** Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. *** Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth. *** How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? Please get out of the pool. *** What do toys and boobs have in common? Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most. *** The winner of the costume contest was the invisible man. He was invisible, and his wife wasn't much to look at either. *** Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. *** I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. *** What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. *** I don't work here. I'm a consultant. *** Tattoos are like babies. You don't dare tell the truth and say they're ugly. *** A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong. *** You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third… but I touched second. *** Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth. *** If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees. *** If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. *** How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. *** My life is so shitty, Spike Lee wants to direct it. *** That whole letting go of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss. *** What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! *** What do you call a monkey with a gun? Gorillawarfare. *** 9 out of 10 Americans are stupid… I'm so glad I'm in the 1%. *** I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. *** What did the chicken say when it got to the library? Book book book book book book book *** We moved our treadmill outside so I can smoke. *** It's 10 pm, time to eat the fridge. *** Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. *** A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. *** Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. *** I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts! *** All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today. *** Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around. *** I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean. *** You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. *** All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity. *** What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie. *** The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray is now a seasoned veteran. *** I wasn't going to co-exist until I saw your bumper sticker. *** Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never dropped a cabbage on their toe. *** Aibohphobia. It's irrational fear of palindromes. *** I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. *** Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked. *** Damn girl, are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day. *** I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. *** I was about to crack a joke on boxers: now leave it, I forgot the punchline. *** It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open! *** I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid you're going to eat her. *** Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work. *** What pants do ghosts wear? BOO jeans. *** Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her. *** How did Superman's enemies do him in? They put him in his crypt tonite! *** All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them *** Frank: Emilia how many boyfriends do you have? Emilia: You are the only one. Frank: I love you. Emilia: I love you too. Frank: Two? Why then do you say am the only one. *** You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number *** I believe in women's rights, which is why I gave my girlfriend the right to come to see me do comedy tonight. As you guys can see, she's imaginary. I also gave her the right to exist. *** What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. *** You and Me = Grand Unification *** He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle! *** Do fish get thirsty? *** I don't ignore people, I just choose to not notice them. *** My patience has stretch marks. *** I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits. *** You should have your navel pierced so that you can have a place to hang the air freshener. *** Being an ugly girl is like being a man you have to work. *** My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg. *** Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to. *** What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha. *** Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow the judges said he was outstanding in his field. *** Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it. *** Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me? *** Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? *** One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is. *** Your IQ is roughly around room temperature. *** Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? *** I grew up so poor we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel. *** When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work. *** If you feel unsure about a new haircut, ask a man if it looks okay. But ask him many, many, many times. Never be satisfied with his answer. *** Puts down phone OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND! *** Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo. *** What goes up and never comes down? Your age! *** Cop: Have you been out drinking? Me: Uh yeah, I'm 28, I've been out drinking literally hundreds of times. *** The man who discovered copper died penniless. *** I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me. *** Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids Eat them! *** Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you? *** Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking. *** We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original. *** A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glade ateer *** Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? They looked at the reviews. Only 1 star. *** You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor. *** Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. *** You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast. *** I used to think love() was abstract, until you implemented it in MyHeart. *** I can't count how many times I failed maths at school. *** My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting. *** Lately I've been trying to touch my toes, which I don't find so complicated, but my knees just can't get it straight. *** Tried to make a joke about putting Marijuana in the Dryer All I got was Tumbleweed. *** It's gonna be ok. *** Never trust a man that says, Trust me. and never trust a woman that says It's fine. *** Why did the octapus? Because the seaweed. *** Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him. *** If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages. *** The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. *** Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! *** Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. *** Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away. *** What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition. *** I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor raise your hand. *** My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! *** Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, What if these two socks don't even like each other? *** The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy. *** I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there's a salad dressing. *** You're so fat that Trump, won't need to build a wall anymore, he can just call you to stand at the border. *** This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow. *** 5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe. *** What do you call a mama cat? Tittycat! *** Put some ash or soot on your fingertip. Casually mention to a friend that he has a spot of dirt on his face as you reach up to remove it. Leave your mark! *** Twitter is myserious account. My Bank account is thejoke one. *** I don't care who you are, but if you're reading this I still don't care. *** What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert. What cheese is made backwards? Edam. Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie. *** When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me. *** Not to brag, but I still fit into the lack of enthusiasm I had in high school. *** Beauty is not in the face: beauty is a light in the heart . Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth? *** I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory. *** Scientists created a six-legged turkey for families who fight over the drumsticks. But the turkeys escaped, and no one can catch them. *** According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air. *** Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. … *** You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave. *** My life has been all downhill ever since that one day when I emerged from my mother's womb. *** I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second. *** Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. *** Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. *** Get stoned. Drink wet cement. *** Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner! *** Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five. *** There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door. *** I took my new car back to the dealers, complaining it only did left turns - drive in the opposite direction then he said. *** What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream! *** What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand-eye. *** It seems like less people are solving their differences with dance offs. *** My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter. *** Fat people are lucky - they get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat. *** Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen. *** They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them. *** Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence. *** I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people. *** I once hit a bat with a bat. *** If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America. *** I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together. *** 2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people: 1. They would spend it on alcohol. 2. I want to spend it on alcohol. *** Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead. *** My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence *** Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing. *** Born free, taxed to death. *** Someone says to his friend: I bought a cat And the other: You have to be kitten me! *** How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer! *** What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog? *** Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk. *** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. *** Save money by sleeping a lot. *** What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing. *** How do you get a couple of fat birds into bed? Piece of cake. *** After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names… *** Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful. *** I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow. *** Some people are so happy to see you in the parade, so they have another reason to crap on it. *** I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. *** Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. *** The quickest way to sober up during a night out is to pat your pockets and not feel your phone. *** What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me! *** So, my neighbor with the big titties is outside gardening topless today I just wish his wife would do the same! *** You are so dimwitted even the blackhole night sky looks brighter than you. *** Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they're always wearing green. *** The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. *** What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? Can I buy the Rogue one please? *** I'm sure my neighbor Nicholas is trying to poison me You're such an Arse, Nick. *** I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yellingI'm here. I'm over here.', in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasn't lost, at all, so I called off the search. *** Interviewer: Why do you want this job? Me: I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death. *** Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do 5 Abandon 4 Lie 3 Cheat 2 Abuse 1 Forget to start the dishwasher *** What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name) *** 3-year-old: What's a swear word? Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad. 3: Me: 3: Is my middle name a swear word? *** The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50% per boob! *** A waist is a terrible thing to mind. *** What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks! *** Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! *** My girlfriend broke up with me for being tooun-American'. I saw it coming from a kilometre away. *** Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day. *** Why do kissing scenes in nearly every show have to use the soundtrack from a toddler slurping jello off of a plastic plate? *** Got a ceiling fan? Put some little piles of talcum powder on top of the blades and wait for somebody to turn it on. It'll be snowing indoors. *** The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. *** Boy: Are you dead because it looks like you dropped from heaven. Girl: Yeah I died I long time ago, just like that line. *** On your birthday, remember: don't drink and tattoo. *** I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy. *** I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables. *** Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final. *** They told me I had type A blood, but it was Type O. *** A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him. *** A hard thing about a business is minding your own. *** A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous. *** People clap when they see you, they clap their hands over their eyes. *** Why do Norwegians build their own tables? No Ikea! *** Why is Hulk such a good gardener? He's got green fingers. *** Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas. *** I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired. *** Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose. *** I'm going to open a half way house for girls who don't want to go all the way! *** Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. *** There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers. *** A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes *** Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? *** Why does Dwyane Wade wear number 3? Because that's a number of minutes he can stay on the court without getting hurt. *** When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track. *** I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, How do you know he was on his way to work? *** In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact. *** What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that. *** A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. *** I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed. *** You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen. *** The difference between Girlfriend and Girl Friend is that little space in between we call the Friend Zone. *** A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. *** I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing. *** My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine. *** Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. *** It takes two to lie One to lie and one to listen *** There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a unicorn *** What have eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game! *** Love is like an ice cream girl so eat it before it melts. *** Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. *** What's the difference between God and a Doctor? God knows he's not a Doctor! *** What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom. *** Which is the word that starts with M and ends in ARRIAGE and it is man's favorite thing? Miscarriage! *** What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle. *** When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why. *** Evolution: True science fiction. *** I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift. *** Why don't women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day?Cause they don't want to get a sham rock. *** I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets. *** To make a millennial laugh, just tell them how people used to believe a business or government would actually keep information confidential. *** When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging. *** What do you call a young army? Infantry. *** Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun. *** If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy. *** If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them? *** I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned. *** Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date. *** Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine. *** You must be a full moon, coz everytime you are around me, I turn into a beast. *** Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow. *** For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. *** Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an A in lunch. *** When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says hey, I just wanna be friends. *** I drink to forget that I accidentally once said I love you when ending a call with a customer service rep. *** My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order. *** Why was tiger looking inside the toilet? He was looking for Pooh! *** I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing. *** Do you want to see something stupid? Look in the mirror! *** Does your head only have Udon noodles instead of a brain? *** I'm pretty sure Twitter is the smoking section of Facebook. *** When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. *** You have enough fat to make another human. *** A wise dog once told me: Life is like a box of chocolates it kills you. *** We all have one ginger friend that claims to be strawberry blonde. *** How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it! *** How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning! *** Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank. *** I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. *** Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy. *** I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me. *** I'm worried about the state of my bank. I tried five different ATMs today and they've all told me they have Insufficient Funds. *** I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils. *** Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad! *** Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: There's a naked person outside! *** Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion. *** Photography tips: 1. Stop aiming the camera at yourself *** How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way! *** I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny. *** When some one types kys, the way you can get them back is type, Kiss? Aww, thanks! They wil probably think you are stupid, but it is still hilarious. *** If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off. *** The sentence Don't objectify women. has women as the object of the sentence. You have become the very thing you swore to destroy. *** Did you hear about the tailor who shredded all the neckwear? His company severed all ties. *** Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included. *** I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb. *** How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits. *** I can't cut an onion because it makes me cry. My grandma died cutting an onion. *** What do you call a dead Magician? A ABRACADAVA. *** Where does one apply to be a kept man? *** A day without sunshine is like, well, night. *** What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security. *** Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world? *** What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire. *** It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife. *** Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? *** I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. *** Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store. *** Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life. *** I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven. *** Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late. *** Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy. *** In America, you find a party, in Russia, party always finds you. *** Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? *** I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head. *** I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. *** Sports do not build character. They reveal it. *** Try to use this vacuum, it may help you remove the cobwebs in your mind. *** Q: What did the full moon vampire say to the other full moon vampire? A: See you next month! *** He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed. *** Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry… *** She's looking for a man to take her breath away. Hopefully gagging counts *** Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret. *** Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot. *** If I followed you home, would you keep me? *** A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. *** Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain. *** I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. *** You're so poor that when you light up a Lucifer, the cockroaches celebrate that they finally have central heating. *** A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road. *** The video from the ring infects people with airborne pathogens. The video went viral. *** What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like everyone else! *** The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes. *** If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not? *** Me in my 20's: Dresses like I'm on the catwalk. Me in my 30's: dresses like I walk cats. *** I could never figure out why I was never any good at math! *** Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons? *** Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. *** What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi. *** I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank: I have no words for how angry I am. *** Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway. *** A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. *** Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired. *** A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. *** My friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it. *** A teacher asks a student, Are you ignorant or just apathetic? The kid answers, I don't know and I don't care. *** I'm smiling. This should scare you. *** New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out. *** I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea. My boss told me to get my shit together. *** Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. *** My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on. I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on the sand. *** My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed You're psychic to You're psycho. *** NASA is sending traditionalist Christians to the red planet Amish on to Mars. *** If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be. *** What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A hot dog! *** I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again. *** What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. *** You smell like trash .. Can I take you out? *** don't regret doing things, regret getting caught *** How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin! *** Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. *** What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot. *** Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? No son, have you seen my glasses? *** What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. *** Noah's diary: Day 35: Unicorn pie is really delicious! *** People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with lol should be shot. *** I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid. *** A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. *** What do you call a knife in Japan? A Santoku! *** My brother and I were visiting our grandmother in the hospital. My brother says grandma I can't stand to see you like this My grandmother replies well get the hell out then! *** Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him. *** What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck. *** I can't decide which room not to clean first. *** Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts. *** Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have the less shit you have to eat. *** There's only one thing better than the cutest cat in the world. A Dog. *** You have more chins than Chinatown. *** My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day. *** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? *** Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. *** Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. *** Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars! *** My drinking team has a bowling problem. *** What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Sant rolling off your roof. *** Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle. *** A Pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza left. *** I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime. *** I named a comet after you. It's called piece of shit comet. *** When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers! *** Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right? *** I just discovered that the word nothing is a palindrome Backwards it spells gnihton, which also means nothing. *** I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent. *** While most puns make me feel numb, mathematic puns make me feel number. *** Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins. *** What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip. *** I like to give people blank Thank you cards for their birthdays and then when they ask me what it's for I say, You'll thank me later! *** Math puns are the first sine of madness! *** I hate when people ask for likes Like if you agree! *** What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean. *** Cowgirls are like cow pats - the older they are, the easier they are to pick up. *** My wife and I share a sense of humor. We have to. She doesn't have one. *** Wanna fork? Not to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better. *** I was blinded by your beauty: I'm going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes. *** Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? *** Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head. *** I feel bad for single guys out there. Snap chat filters make 2s look like 10s. Good luck. *** At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned. *** Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1? *** If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife. *** Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food. *** What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short. *** I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. *** Do people who bring bikes on the subway realize what bikes do? *** Just cause you got a bigger brain doesn't mean you got more IQ. *** As soon as you lose the ability to control your digestive system, it's all over *** Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. *** If anything is used to its full potential, it will break. *** Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself. *** At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me. *** Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy. *** Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day? He wanted to raise mashed potatoes. *** At school he used to enjoy streaking. On it's own, not a particularly interesting fact, until you consider he was at an ALL BOYS boarding school. *** Why do people ask me if I'm hiding, if I was hiding you wouldn't see me! *** What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. *** When there are no volunteers, they get appointed. *** I've seen a meteor shower, but never seen a meteor take a bath. *** You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them. *** Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog. *** I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. *** I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day. *** You want an insult? Right, look at the mirror. *** Smaller babies may be delivered by storks but the heavier ones would need a crane! *** My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S. *** How many lights does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the light is already in the bulb. *** The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama. *** What time is lunch? Is there any left after you eat? *** An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women *** You're the best! At being the worst. *** I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage. *** I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. *** He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving. *** What do you call dog meat? Pet food. *** You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. *** They lie about marijuana: Marijuana makes you unmotivated. Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference. *** Why did the chicken cut his legs and wings off? To make his dinner. *** God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read. *** Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant. *** Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. *** Why kill time when you can make it work for you? *** Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark? and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. *** You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. *** Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein. *** We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick. *** Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay You have my Word! *** What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship. *** A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. *** You must be some kind of weirdo to like The Doors. I guess People Are Strange. *** I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. *** What is a math teacher's favorite sum? Summer! *** Loltard: Someone who useslol too much. *** By age 35 you should hate the last three albums by your favorite band. *** My local priest thinks he's ugly, so ugly in fact he's decided to wear a mask when he offers holy communion. Certainly is a blessing in disguise. *** In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. *** I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: Mom was I ill? *** They said too much of everything is bad But too much of goodness ain't bad? *** I'll never forget the first time we met. But I'll keep trying. *** I'm selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn't open once. *** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. *** There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice. *** The day you feel like am I a joke to you is the day when you study for a science exam and realized that the exam is math. *** What food describes most men? Jerky. *** Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed! *** Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries? Insanitea. *** 1984: Is my house bugged? Today: Alexa, is my house bugged? *** If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. *** I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet. *** What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? St. O'Claus! *** Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true. *** How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live? *** Why did the summer school teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright! *** Because it would be hilarious, is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president. *** Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too. *** Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example. *** Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in *** Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza. *** I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober! *** Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server. *** What is the difference between Scientology and Christianity? People don't believe in scientology. *** I saw 2 men mugging an old lady and I asked myself if I should help but decided that 3 would be overkill. *** What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses! *** I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more! *** Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out. *** If A is for Apple and B is for banana what is C for? Plastic explosives. *** Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning. *** The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth. *** Why did the baseball player have difficulty dating? Because he always had trouble getting to first base. *** What does TIA stand for? Thanks in advance. *** I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission. That makes me sick. *** Squirrels – nature's speed bumps. *** I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by. *** How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit. *** Sometimes God sends one of your EX back in life just to check if you are still stupid. *** Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns. *** Seminar How to avoid frauds is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable. *** And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman. *** Me: Let's stay in bed. Me also: Good idea. *** Knock, knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie body home? *** I wanted to do panic buying. I checked my account. I can only panic. *** How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it! *** ‘A pedigree bulldog missing. Founders – rest in peace. *** Next time you wave, use all your fingers. *** Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking. *** I went to the sign store the other day but all they had were left-hand turn signs. I didn't buy one because I knew deep down it just wouldn't be right. *** When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young. *** If money did grow on trees, autumn would be the best season ever! *** You should be happy we're having turkey, rather than the turkey have us. *** Offer to wake up early and make pancakes for your family. Cut up round, pancake-size pieces of cloth beforehand. Coat the cloth pieces with batter and cook them up. They look like actual pancakes, but can't be cut, even with a knife. *** Why did the slave go to college? To pick up his master's degree. *** How about a month filled with stress and obligation? - Pitch for December *** The doctors found a diseased blood type: U. *** I feel like Tampax – at a good place, but wrong time… *** You must be from Prague because I can't help but Czech you out. *** I'm a people person, but from a distance. *** Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it. *** Why did the farmer only wear one boot to town? He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow! *** What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp. *** When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times. *** I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry. *** What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days. *** Orion's Belt is a big waist of space. Terrible joke. Only three stars. *** Baby you're so cute you made my page 404. *** If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. *** My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me. *** Chuck Norris once snorted a kilo of cocaine: it had no effect. *** My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence. *** There are good cheese puns and bad cheese puns. Between them, there's a gruyerea. *** Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years. *** My mate broke his left arm and left leg, but he was alright. *** If The Weekend canceled his tour, would it be next Weekend, the Weekend after next or three Weekends from this Saturday? *** I typed married but it was auto-corrected to martyred. Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence. *** Are you a Disney princess? Cuz your Cinder-hella-fine. *** All men are idiots and I married their king. *** Do you know how to lose weight fast. *** My parents read the book I was writing. They said they hope the main character dies. It was an autobiography. *** Most females don't answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings. *** Why do Jehovah's witnesses hate Halloween? They don't like people knocking on their door! *** She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy. *** At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours. *** Misspell one word and the whole text is urined. *** Did it hurt when you felt from heaven? Yeah, I died 5 years ago, like that puck up line. *** No matter how long it takes you to make a time machine, you'll still have your whole life ahead of you. *** If your partner asks, Do you love your phone more than you love me? Lie. *** I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's! I'm going to park the car and walk in. *** People with diarrhea don't have their shit together. *** What do heroin, jaywalking and prostitution have in common? They're all illegal, but people do them anyway. *** [man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me . I said u look really fat in those pants! *** When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination. *** I bought a book titled How To Scam People Online about three months ago It still hasn't arrived. *** Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account. *** Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team. *** Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. *** The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. *** The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic. *** Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again? *** If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. *** If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand. *** Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea Guess what it means. *** We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately we've been married for 10 years. *** I plan a clairvoyants meeting. When, where and what time you know I assume. *** If you eat too much curry, you get into a Korma. *** How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter! *** One wall to another Meet you at the corner. *** What should you do if you come across an elephant? Apologize and wipe it off. *** I love you just the way you are. Though I do have a few suggestions. *** Valentines Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. *** Political parties are like toilet paper. Whichever side you select, you end up getting poop! *** Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before. *** I'm less of a Femme fatale and more like a femme mentale. *** Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it's always good to preorder. *** I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me. *** It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time: you can even fool some the people all of the time: but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. *** I can't afford aromatherapy so I just randomly sniff stuff and hope. *** If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole! *** I think I've discovered my supersymmetric partner. *** You won't drink away the alcoholism. *** Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. *** Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. *** Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy. *** I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person. *** Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation. *** You came, you ate, now please just go HO HO Home. *** I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen. *** I dropped my phone in the toilet and now you're all baptized. *** I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. *** My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. I knew she'd come crawling back to me. *** Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u *** What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs. *** I'll bet your parents hit the JERKpot! *** Why do Republicans spend so much money on bathroom fixtures? They really love the Grand Old Potty! *** Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. On the one hand it is a great honour, but you dread the moment when you have to rise to perform. *** I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. *** Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him. *** When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill. *** Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it! *** Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. *** What did the doctor say to the alcoholic? Keep taking the Pils. *** Why can't ghost have babies? Because they have Halloweenies. *** Everyone can be dick but you are an art form of a dick. *** Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms! *** Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you. *** Just stayed a night in the YMCA I don't want to make a song and dance of it. *** Men are like placemats, they only show up when there's food on the table. *** My it's cold outside post just went viral on Facebook. *** What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing. *** I'm never smoking weed with immigrants again. I asked Anyone have any papers? and they all ran like fuck. *** Dance like your microwave isn't watching. *** I like the sound of you not talking. *** Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid! *** My sister is so fat then when we go out to the local buffet they see her coming and pot out the speed-bumps. *** What do a dentist and a tennis coach have in common? They both use drills! *** What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin. *** What's your amplitude for charm-strange mixing? *** Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets *** What do you call a bird at a party? A party fowl. *** What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. *** Why the chicken cross the road? To look for his cock. *** You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar. *** Farting is like the frozen song. In the public: Conceal, don't feel Don't let them know. At home: Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back anymore. *** Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye. *** When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories. *** A man goes into the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses up his rectum. The doctors described his condition as stable. *** Are you a termite? Cause you're about to have a mouth full of wood. *** This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess. *** Had to turn the stereo off, my wife has been playing Depeche Mode all day. She just can't get enough, whilst I just enjoy the silence. *** Wanted: Schrödinger's cat, dead or alive. *** So many boys, such little minds. *** Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you. *** Why couldn't the dinosaur clap his hands? Because they're dead. *** I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat. *** My least favorite color is orange. I hate it more than yellow and red combined. *** If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better? *** I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you. *** Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself. *** Stretchy shrink-wrap can be loads of fun. You can get it at most office supply stores. Completely wrap a friend's car, bike, or motorcycle. Extra credit: leave a large pink bow on top. *** The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft. *** Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin! *** What else can we think about? - Insomnia *** If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch. *** I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it. *** Without going to jail, you cannot be a big politician. *** The Italian boxing team boycotted the Olympics when they heard it was going to be one on one. *** You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you. *** Science builds planes and skyscrapers, but faith brings them together. *** How do construction workers party? they raise the roof. *** I went to a party and met apple there. I asked him to buy me a vodka, but Damn! He gave me a fruit punch. *** Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true. *** My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer. *** I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms. *** Don't make me use UPPERCASE. *** What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors. *** I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent. *** My hot girlfriend broke up with me the other day But she said, Chester, we can still be cousins. *** I asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. He said no. *** Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. Happy Easter! *** I just want to be rich enough to threaten to cut people out of my will. *** I'm just a burned out bulb on the billboard of life. *** Got my girlfriend a get better soon card. She's not sick, I just think she could get better. *** Just asked my wife what she's burning up for dinner and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings. *** I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows. *** When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. *** Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. *** I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser. *** Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old. *** A termite walks into a bar and says, Where is the bar tender? *** Son: Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun. *** Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels! *** What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy! *** You better hope you marry rich. *** When Michael Jackson died, all of his songs were played during his funeral and for his commemoration. So what if Mia Khalifa died? *** God sees everything. Neighbors – even more Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are *** Females, repeat after me: I was wrong and I'm sorry. *** What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. *** Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look. *** What's it like to have a penis? It's hard sometimes. *** My wife asked me if we could have something moreChristmassy on the television. So I put FIFA on and played in snowy conditions. *** Sex to a man is like hunger. If he can't get into an expensive French restaurant, he will go to McDonalds. *** Celebrate Thanksgiving the American way: spend money you don't have on Chinese products. *** Sorry, I'm late. I got here as soon as I felt like it. *** rude What happened when an icicle landed on the snowman's head? It knocked him out cold. *** Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible. Well, tell him I can't see him right now. *** What do Brexit and Viagra have in common? They're both a cock-up. *** Your mom just got a ticket when she dropped you off for school. *** If cats could text you back, they wouldn't. *** What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO! *** Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. *** Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house. *** Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical. *** Love is like peeing yourself – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth. *** What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer, and a prostitute? Sidewalks crack doesn't leave an odor! *** How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator. *** What are you going to be on Halloween? You'll probably be a vegan menu. *** I'm in the mood to multiply *** EBay is useless. I searched for lighters and got 12,544 matches. *** I lost my daughter's cosmetics bag I wonder how I'll make up for this mistake. *** For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only. *** I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap. *** Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable. *** 79% of U.S. paper money is contaminated with traces of cocaine. *** You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial. *** Are you Greek (If No) are you sure cause you look like a goddess to me? *** I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken! *** I've got my ion you, baby! *** I'd stand in a room amongst a group of people and say hey do you guys want to see a joke? Then walk out of the room, then walk back in whilst presenting myself in a grand fashion. Et voila. *** Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her. *** Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth? *** You're riding the crest of a slump? *** Snowmen don't need scarves, idiots. *** Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears. *** If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream! *** RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on *** Girl: Every thing that comes out of you mouth is stupid! Me: You. *** If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes you let that mango. *** What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. *** Jiu Jitsu - The gentle art of folding ones clothing while they are still wearing them. *** The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it. *** Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people. *** What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me! *** Q: How is life like a penis?\n A: Your girlfriend makes it hard. *** My breathalyzer results came back and I'm 100% cutting my own hair later. *** Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone. *** Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications. *** I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. *** What did the giraffe say to the zebra when his mom called him home? Zebra later! *** If you wet your feet your throat will reject. If you ‘wet your throat your feet will reject. *** I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. *** Why should you not make fun of a crippled person? Because he can't stand the jokes. *** I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like. *** I do not know why some people don't finish their sentences, like it's really annoying *** From all the butts, ours is the most important. *** You know you're getting old when clerks start calling you honey. *** Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius! *** A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday. *** Optimist: It's only 7 o clock. Pessimist: It's already 7 o clock. Feminist: The clock is being raped. *** I met the man who invented the windowsill. He's a ledge. *** The only dates I get these days are software updates. *** My friend stopped by to tell me he had just been diagnosed as Dyslexic. Said he was going home to write it in his dairy. *** I'm barely 5.3'. It's all your fault if you had high expectations. *** The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. *** Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home? *** Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I'll let you be the judge of that. *** Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch. *** Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you. *** If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator. *** How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower. *** You might be a crack head If your dog weighs more than you do Here's your sign. *** The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on. *** 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. *** A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend. *** A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye. *** If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority. *** Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain. *** What's six inches long that women love? Folding money. *** Love is like Heaven It makes me wish I was dead. *** Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit. *** Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists. *** I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good. *** Why are men are like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night. *** I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work. *** Wife to husband: I'm pregnant! Husband: You're kidding me! *** Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you. *** Stephen Hawking has a great sense of humor. He does One-liners, but not a Stand-up comedy. *** I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco. *** Why do stores have Halloween decorations in August? This is ridiculous. Nobody wants to Oooo look! Candy corn. *** Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. *** How many cats equal a husband? *** I've been thinking about you Owl night long. *** Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. *** Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more? *** What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. *** When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. *** I hate insects puns, they really bug me. *** My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9. *** An old teacher asked her student, If I say,I am beautiful, which tense is that? The student replied, It is obviously past. *** With great reflexes comes great response ability. *** Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says *** My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. U should of saw her face as I drove pasta. *** Be kind. Some people grew up in Pepsi households. *** Thanks to Heroin I think I'm addicted to needles. *** What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter. *** Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so. *** I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future? *** Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog. *** Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC. *** I thought you'd be flattered that my dog found your leg so attractive. *** USA's been so good at the Olympics, it's trumped the rest! *** Q: What did the peanut butter say to the bread? A: Quit loafing around! *** Surprised they wouldn't accept my Oyster card in the local Shell station. *** Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it. *** Why do Eskimos build Igloos with a hole out front? So you can see Inuit. *** Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off? *** What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine! *** Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving! *** Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman. *** My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle. *** Keep honking. I'm reloading. *** If my puns are cheesy, then they would go well with crackers. *** If I was smarter, I would know so much more stuff. *** A cat sauntered in and sat at the bar. Tuna, ordered the cat. Salad or sandwich? Asked The bartender. What do you think I am a human? *** A magician was driving down the road and turned into a shopping mall. *** Alcoholics and addicts are the only people who can look down on you from the gutter. *** New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. *** A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, Do you think we could use a sponge instead? *** Dad, how do stars die? Usually an overdose. *** How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with a man once told me. *** Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. *** The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. *** I went to a seafood diner last night. I pulled a mussell. *** Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows. *** There's not just a straight temperature app on my smartphone. At least not a fahinhieght one there is always a cell-sius built in . *** Why don't animals play poker in Africa? Because they're cheetahs. *** I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her *** I feel sorry for wild animals because it's like they're always camping without beer. *** When you were born your mom said: It's a treasure. Dad said: Ya let's bury. *** My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat. *** I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday! *** What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee. *** Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. *** A new poll suggests that most people will likely finish reading any sentence that starts with A new poll suggests. *** I don't believe in myths like the one that states you have a brain. *** She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei. *** What's a crocodile's favorite shoe? A Crocs. *** What is Al Caedas favorite football team? The New York Jets. *** Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion? *** A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. *** No checks (Czechs are welcome). *** Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken! *** Does your train of thought have a caboose? *** What's the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools. *** What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you. *** I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man you sure do have a lot of time on your hands. *** You are one well-defined function! *** I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number. *** That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you! *** For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake. *** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. *** Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. *** What's the difference between people and tin foil? Tin foil doesn't wrinkle as it oldens. *** What do bullshitters like most about St. Patricks day? The blarney stone! *** Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light I'll have to share them at home. *** Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way *** Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. *** What makes you think this is my first time? *** What's the difference between a mechanic and a doctor? A mechanic fixes his mistakes A doctor buries his. *** Coffee makes you hyper, but coffee shops are designed for people to chill, whereas alcohol is a depressant but bars and clubs are designed for people to be energetic. *** A living dummy once proclaimed, I'm the scariest thing in the universe, if I say so myself!. *** What is a dentist's office?… A filling station. *** Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. *** When I read about the dangers of smoking I sworn wouldn't buy any newspaper! *** I can feel myself slipping into screensaver mode every 10 minutes. *** I bet we can get into some serious Treble together. *** Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard! *** Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food. *** Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. *** I've learnt that saying Oh, this old thing? isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative. *** What costume are you wearing for Halloween? Oh yeah, I forgot u don't need one ur ugly as hell. *** Girls wanting giant ass teddy bears, & VS bags, and bouquets of underwear for valentines day. Just give me some pizza & I'll love u forever. *** Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots. *** The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family. *** I once crashed into a cow pasture. I was in for a beef of trouble. *** Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? *** Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. *** Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good. *** Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable! *** Day People come and go but birthdays do accrue. *** They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I wonder if he could do that for Congress. *** I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story. *** There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses. *** Umbridge? More like Umbitch. *** I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower. *** Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on. *** PewdDePie, I used to be a fan but now I am a air conditioner. *** You're so ugly, even Hello Kitty says goodbye. *** Nobody puts Baby in a corner. *** There are too many suicide jokes, end it. *** Not to go get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is solution. *** It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in. *** A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, Who's first? *** Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing. *** I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. *** My fear of moving stairs escalates. *** I asked the bus driver How long will the next bus be? He replied Same length as this one. *** If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot it's on the right foot. *** Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles how to read a book. *** What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. *** Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. *** I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe. *** The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back. *** To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes. *** I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. *** Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women. *** I hate when I'm running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it's been 4 minutes. *** What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade! *** Is Japan looking for you? Cause you're on a whale watch. *** I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies. *** When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent. *** What cake makes you feel uncomfortable? Stomachache. *** You're about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds. *** Oh no! Help! I'm under a tack! *** Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven? *** Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already! *** Be it any situation but your friends are gonna be there with you probably asking for a treat! *** Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage. *** Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. *** It's a pleasure to see you and another – not to see. *** If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. *** Why do rich kids have shiny white teeth? Cause they brush with coke. *** Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows! *** What's the difference between women and wine? Wine gets better with age. *** Everything is rightly confused. *** What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick *** Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​. *** If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind… *** I want to ask you out, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And.. *** Why do I always know where to go when I am canoeing? Because I canoe it. *** Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. *** My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall. *** America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales. *** I have three kids, one of each. *** No one wants a framed picture of your children as a gift. *** How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was? *** How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO ! *** Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine. *** I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything. *** Trust but verify. *** A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. *** If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. *** If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade. *** My teacher was talking about excuses and told me to not tell her that my homework grew legs and flew away. *** Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes? *** Life is like a box of chocolates: it ends sooner for fat people. *** Was invited to a birthday party last evening but didn't have a Blast. Hardly any Bombs! *** You're so dumb you thought quarter backs was a change machine. *** Math problems were invented by men, just so women would be wrong some of the time. *** Today on Twitter, I lost a follower. Now I know how Jesus feels everyday. *** I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. *** Sweating like a lost goat wandering past a hungry Bedouin. *** Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. *** My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end. *** I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something. *** Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you. *** I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar. *** Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name. *** My take home pay won't even get me home. *** Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger? Because he was married to the wrong woman. *** A woman once wanted me to father her child no strings attached. In other words, I like your genes, but I don't like what you've done with them. I agreed but with one condition. She had to put it up for adoption. *** Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking, It's psychic, idiot! *** What mobile game do coke addicts play? Nose Candy Crush. *** Dont stop! I dont usually get to see beauty in motion *** Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being. *** Change your Facebook Status to I'm Pregnant or I'm Engaged and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away. *** A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought That's a turtle disaster. *** Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side! *** What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling. *** If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough. *** We never knew he was a drunk until he showed up to work sober. *** Deja Vu – When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. *** The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, Divorce is strong with this one! *** Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates ..(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off. *** If you can't remember my name, just saydonuts'. I'll turn around and look. *** What do you call Dinner and Breakfast? Dickfeast! *** Didn't go to Church today, instead, I stayed at home and listened to REM. Guess I'm losing my religion. *** What's long and green and has a low I.Q.? A St. Patrick's Day Parade. *** If brain cells had value, you'd be broke. *** Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence! *** I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. *** What did one telephone say to another? You are too young to be engaged! *** My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more. *** ‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head? a Thought said and killed herself… *** I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work. *** I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient. *** Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats. *** If the music's too loud you're too old. *** I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics. *** Her love makes my world go round. *** Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me. *** If you're still looking for that one person who will change your life take a look in the mirror. *** What's black and white and red all over? Santa covered with chimney soot. *** Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose? *** What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him? Get off me homes. *** Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service. *** I love the way you move like butter on a bald monkey. *** If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted. *** Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love. *** I love coffee. It's Redbull for old people. *** I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that. *** They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. *** Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her. *** Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. *** Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was. *** My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, Everyone just eats it. *** Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick. *** Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step. *** Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted. *** A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. Here, I killed your friend. Hold him. *** If nothing was learned, nothing was taught. *** My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about. *** Day I don't approve of political jokes I've seen too many of them get elected. *** The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds. *** How do you get Pikachu onto the bus? You Pokemon. *** I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. *** I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't. *** You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney. *** I threw a ball for my dog It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket. *** Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists. *** Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate? She was on a crash diet! *** Shock me, say something intelligent. *** Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. *** Why shouldn't you use a sausage's Wi-Fi? It's the wurst! *** Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. *** My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house *** Got a neighbor who's a real patriot? Always flying the flag? Sneak out late at night and replace it with a large pair of boxer shorts. *** He's a few clowns short of a circus. *** Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR. What's my mother going to do? *** When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's Incredible. But when I do it, I'm an alcoholic. *** I thought it was my birthday cake but it was just the shed on fire. *** You look like the grinch with plastic surgery gone wrong! *** I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me. *** Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. *** You look like something I drew with my left hand. *** Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator. *** For my wife's birthday, I bought her a fridge freezer. I know it's not much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it. *** A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence. *** If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib! *** You can have too much of a good thing: birthdays. *** Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late. *** On St. Patrick's Day I like to make believe I'm Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I'm good. *** Patrick's Day I hated my job at the fireworks factory, I got fired a lot. *** Facebook is telling me to reconnect with my brother hmmm, I see him everyday *** Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. *** The trick to really enjoying someone's company is to not spend a lot of time with them. *** I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me lately. *** There was only 2 things I was good at in school Maths. *** I've been waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library but the last guy hasn't brought it back. *** Today I was checked by Dr. B. Gee. I hope I will be stayin alive. *** What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? *** You so ugly, your mama had morning sicknesses after you were born. *** Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly. *** The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3. *** Recently, I've tried to make a car without wheels. I've been working on it tirelessly. *** The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones. *** Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg! *** I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman. *** If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless. *** The next time you have company, serve them a bowl of shelled peanuts. After they've eaten a few handfuls, casually mention that you've never liked peanuts, but you love to suck the chocolate off of them. *** What do ghosts read? Booooks! *** I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. *** The new french tank is pretty cool, it can go in 16 directions. 15 of which go backwards, 1 goes forwards in case the enemy comes from behind. *** Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: never stops screaming *** Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain. *** Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed. *** If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it. *** You need to carry women in your arms: they will climb on your back by themselves. *** Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I'm just a narcissist. *** ‘Do you know if pigs have periods? ‘Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14? *** Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built! *** Life's a bitch,cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy. *** I'm at the age where I can't keep up with all the things I hate. *** What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human. *** What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day! *** How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing? Your domain or mine? *** When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters not used are DEN-MARK. *** In our youth we were so pretention in our vision of lustful attractiveness, but with advancing age we can now appreciate one's beauty within, thank goodness, because now we are rightfully mirror shy. *** He said I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought That's a turn-up for the books. *** What will it take to reunite Nirvana? Two more bullets. *** Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys! *** How do you get off a non-stop flight? *** I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though. *** They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs. *** Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off *** I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. *** Everyone's making memes on Iran and USA, meanwhile the struggle Israel. *** Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. *** What do perverted leprechauns drink on St. Patricks Day? Mount & Do. *** I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. *** I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out. *** I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it. *** At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die. *** Grandma told me, They should send you for death!, but I didn't make much of it since I was busy trying to remember what I came for. *** Please spread the word. Sure, no problem! W o r d. *** Where do cows go on their summer vacation? Moo York. *** Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: opens front facing camera *** To the question ‘What are you doing here? 72% answered negative. *** A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number that you are no longer a sovereign. *** Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her. *** She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries. *** Politics is just show business for ugly people. *** I found a message in a bottle. It said You drink too much. *** All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies. *** My apocalypse survival plan is to die immediately. *** Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list *** They are doing a sequel to Finding Dory where she discovers she has cancer and searches for a cure. It's called Finding Chemo. *** What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one! *** Walk up to a friend at work or school and whisper, They know. Then quickly walk away. Most people will wrack their brains wondering what they did that people found out about. *** Happy Valentines Day, who's your date today, your mom? *** My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue. *** Nurse: Doctor why is there a thermometer behind your ear? Doctor: Damn! Some asshole must have my pen! *** My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa. I have Claustrophobia. *** I quit watching How to Get Away With Murder a few seasons back because I didn't feel like I was learning anything. *** The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. *** I think Facebook needs a group so gingers can mark themselves as safe in this heat. *** Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic. *** Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where saluting the moths of the year become more important than to salute your friends *** What's most interesting song? My girlfriends fart. *** The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil. *** What sound does a train make when it's eating? Chew chew Very Punny right? *** What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture! *** I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. *** You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication! *** I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. *** Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday. *** I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day. *** Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. *** What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine! *** I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe. *** Never tell your problems to anyone 20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them *** How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent? *** I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield that day. Sir Prise *** My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i. *** Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible. *** You are my methods. I am nothing without you. *** My dad never seemed to see the irony in calling me a son of a bitch he does it every day. *** What does a Ghost say on 12/31? Happy New Fear!/Happy boo year! *** I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. *** What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common? They both think,My moms gonna kill me. *** Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. *** I thought about my ex-girlfriend today, then I wiped my ads and flushed the toilet. *** 5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions *** Titanic was such a beautiful movie, it always gets me. Makes me wanna go on a cruise like that one day. *** Our family motto is Who took my phone charger? *** What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. *** Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason. *** It's funny because it's !false. *** Please, Lady, come home with me. You never know what I'll turn into, at midnight! *** Your so ugly when you were born your mom said Oh what a treasure and your dad said Yeah le´ts bury it. *** A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game. *** You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER. *** As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have happened to him in the 28 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech. *** You had me at cello. *** Don't drink and drive because you might spill the drink. *** How do you milk sheep? Release a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it. *** People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. *** AJim's Dozen is 11, because I take one for myself. *** He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh *** Someone broke into my house and stole my external hard drive: they really got my backup. *** The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? Cause you're fatter than they are. *** Only a women who delivered a baby without epidural can understand a guy who is having a cold. *** I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again. *** The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over. *** Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat. *** Shut up, will you? Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now? *** How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome to 127.0.0.1 *** Ice-T was diagnosed with Parkinsons. Now he's using the stage name Chocolate Shake. *** I like to have a Frappuccino each morning with my Breakfast I'm a Cereal Frapist. *** Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep on the Synagogue steps? She woke up with a heavy dew on her. *** If Snapchat has taught me anything it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals. *** You know that person that always have to be right and have the last word? Shoot them! *** Who's your friend? *** Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It's called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie's Body. *** I hope whoever invented Cool Ranch Doritos got a Nobel Peace Prize. *** It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just a game. Find the eye! *** Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people on this planet. *** Why Iron-man and not Fe-male? *** What summer vacation destination makes a pet bird sing for joy? The Canary Islands! *** You know those people using bibles on their phones? They are using phony bibles. *** You're so fat you tried to eat Eniemen at the Grammies. *** Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. *** Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. *** I hate going on the road, it Drives me crazy. *** I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band. *** What does one ho plus two ho make? A jolly Santa. *** You're like a fat stump, I'm always falling over you. *** Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonald's. *** My mom comes into my room with my grades, and one of them have a zero, and she asks, Why does it say that this is incomplete? I say, It was optional. For me it was optional. *** I'm typically attracted to guys who look like I'll need therapy after dating them. *** What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year! *** Sure women live longer than men, but we spend that extra time at awkward bridal and baby showers wishing we were dead, so I feel like it's a fair trade. *** Hey baby, there's an OverflowException in my pants, care to handle it for me? *** My uncle died in 9-11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia. *** What is Gods favorite car? A Prius. *** You don't sweat much for a fat chick. *** Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it. *** War does not determine who is right – only who is left. *** Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you. *** I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week. *** If You weigh 200 pounds on the Earth it is only 76 pounds on the Mars, and it means You are not fat but you are just on the wrong planet. *** I might only be 25% Irish, but on St Patrick Days I will be 100% drunk. *** My friend: Hurry up, someone calls the fire department! Me: We are the fire department! *** Hey baby, what's your resonance frequency? *** Where do snowmen go to donate their sperm? The snowbank. *** Why are Vegan women, hypocrites? Cause they love to bone and eat meat! *** Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year. *** 3-year-old: stares at the baby What does it do? Me: Nothing yet. She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is? *** I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on this bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%. *** Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel. *** I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. *** A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man. *** I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day. *** She asked if I had my shit together yet? I said of course, cause no one wants a man with Diarrhea. *** Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. *** Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving. *** Don't drink and drive, might hit a bump and spill it. *** What is a skeleton? Skeleton is a person who starts dieting but forgot to stop it *** Hey there, mind if I take a bite? Cause your decomposing in ALL the right places. *** Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs. *** How did the snowman lose his head? Someone sat on his face. *** What is a video game characters favorite method of brawling? Hitboxing! *** Why did the chicken cross the road? Because KFC was on the other side. *** I am so old I can tell the same joke on facebook every day. Some of my friends are so old, they will think it is a new joke every day. *** Don't drink while driving – you will spill the beer. *** What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds. *** She's so ugly, the fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. *** I'm having this recurring dream where I think I'm a horse. Last five nights on the trot *** My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we're playing the lottery 3-5 times per week. *** I'm pretty sober, but I'm prettier drunk. *** sarcastic We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're just going to take them to an IKEA instead. *** Where did the IT guy go? He probably ransomeware. *** How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. *** How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. *** If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him. *** I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this? *** Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game. *** People don't get my puns. They think they're funny. *** To the person who invented infinity: Thanks for everything. *** I went into the bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: Hardback? and I replied Yeah, and little heads. *** Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience. *** I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. *** If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield. *** There is 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you I LOVE YOU. *** You can break a girl's head with a simple stone, and with a precious stone, you can break a girl's heart. But the wise say it is better with a simple one. *** Going apple picking would be cool if you don't know grocery stores exist. *** Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you've gotten. *** I really didn't like getting lost on a campsite in the dark. I was feeling tents *** If my dog had a face like yours I would shave his ass and walk him backwards. *** Why women never fart when your dating? They don't have an ass hole till after they are married. *** For Mother's Day, I got my mom a case of Bud Lite. After all, I'm the reason she drinks. *** I hope you like beef because we will eat that when we meat. *** He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic – he got up on one knee. *** Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, Go back to work! *** My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have. *** What did Adam say to Eve on the 24th December? It's Christmas Eve, Eve. *** When you say edited it you are saying edit twice. *** I am the only candidate for president willing to win the feral hog vote, even if it amounts to just 30-50. *** Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving. *** Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry. *** At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted? *** How do blonde braincells die? Alone. *** I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on. *** I see your grades are struggling said my mum. So I said, Like that button holding your trousers together *** I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is. *** The grass is always greener on the other side because its fertilized with bullshit. *** Before marriage, men would wander parking lots aimlessly because they had no one to point out the open spots. *** If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me? *** What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Introduces themself. *** Q: What did the nurse say to John Cena? A: ICU. *** I don't need more meds, just fewer people. *** Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (no) me neither but enough to break the ice, hi my name is .. *** I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All. *** Ugh, who has time to work out? I say before a 45 minute nap. *** My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in! *** I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything. *** Your face is the reason why the new iPhone X failed to recognize someone's face. *** I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West. *** I opened Outlook Calendar at work today. It looked like a bad game of Tetris. *** Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G. Change my mind. *** Makeup tip: You're not in the circus. *** If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened. *** I just don't understand why I can't sleep she said while staring at the little glowing box of doom in her hand. *** I've just joined an online internet forum about bridges. It's full of trolls *** You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass. *** You're about as much use as parallel lines of a railway track. The only difference is the railway tracks take people places and with the way you are, it's no wonder you always end up going nowhere in life. *** Are your other donkeys jealous because that's one fine ass *** My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left. *** A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary. *** You can't spell Advertisements without putting semen between tits. *** Me: Yay! No more periods! Menopause: Wait, here's a beard. *** Why did the toilet roll down the hill? To get to the bottom! *** You're so dumb, you think a lawsuit is something you wear to court. *** I found out about you from my last nightmare. *** You might not be a Bulls fan, but I know you felt it when this D rose. *** If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back. *** It is said that, you can't buy happiness. You only need to know the right places *** I grew a beard thinking it would say Distinguished Gentleman. Instead, turns out it says, Senior Discount, Please! *** I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one. *** Fat people suffer from their feet their feet won't stay out of the chip shop. *** I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. *** Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse. *** People are like trees, if you chop them with an axe they die. *** You're not fat, you're just so full of shit. *** I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium. *** I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late *** Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. *** When watching any game of woman's sport you must always spare minutes silence and think of all the men who will go without dinner tonight. *** Your mama is so stupid, she thought you were smart. *** What does a drug addict dream about on Christmas Eve? Building a snowman using only cocaine. *** You know the guy that was in the ring? Turns out the one he fought with was a bunch of bull. *** Hi, Can I domesticate you? *** My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash. *** You know how birds can't see glass? Well, blondes can't either. *** I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country. *** Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions. *** What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. *** The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. *** Trump won't get re-elected if we just stop fixing our grandparents WiFi. *** To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same. *** A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds. *** In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won. *** We shouldn't make fun of fat people because they already have enough on their plate. *** Woke up early to go for a run and got as far as still laying here. *** Ladies dating a short guy is fun until you can't find him at the club and you don't have taxi money to go home. *** To avoid a collision I ran into the other car. *** She's as smart as bait. *** I'm not a stalker, I'm just an unpaid private investigator. *** You don't need committees to solve things. Just find two women who are in a real mood about some shit and send them on an evening fitness walk. *** I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out. *** Whenever I see you there is a smile on my face. And by smile I meant I laugh. *** Winter is natures way of telling you to polish. *** Cats are a great pet if you've ever wanted convenient access to a friend that hurts your feelings. *** Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options: 1. Stay together forever 2. Break up No pressure. *** By the cup of Nescafé even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vodka – into actions. *** Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you. *** Swallowing your babies is fatal. *** I think therefore I can't get anything done. *** I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. *** Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick! *** Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. *** What are a blonde's first words after graduating college? Would you like fries with that? *** If you were a triangle youd be acute one. *** Two beer or not two beer, that's the question! William Shakesbeer *** If you believe that the quickest way to a man's heart is the stomach, you know that you are aiming a little too high. *** Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. *** Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack. *** Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey. *** Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. *** When you have two choices and you take one away, you have zero choices. *** Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really *** My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathna tyn *** Easy to Easy is not easy. *** It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours. *** You're not fat, you're just easier to see. *** Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer I saw the video we need to talk. *** You: Hey! What's your stomach fuel level on? Student: E! I'm starvin'! *** Yo mama so stupid when she got a call from her iPhone she put it in her eye. *** My girl always tells me Life is about the little things, but I just hate when she talks about her Ex. *** On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right? *** Why do people get married? So they can get divorced. *** My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question. *** I hope that a blind mouse eats you. Why blind? It should be blind in order doesn't feel what a nasty thing it is eating! *** Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living? *** She's single if her man can't beat you up. *** Other people don't like my queue jumping. Especially when I use my motorcycle. *** Just finished building the deepest well in England. Got the plans wrong way round, started work on the tallest lighthouse. *** Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing. *** I've seen a turkey but I've never been to Turkey. *** A wise man once said, There is safety in numbers. Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews! *** Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones. *** My friend told me he wanted to see Africa and experience seeing people of a different skin color Later, I had to tell him KFC didn't count as a place. *** What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A law-botomy. *** You're not sure – outrun and make sure. *** Trump invited Putin to Washington because it's customary to take a tour of your new home before you move in. *** I got fired as an estate agent the other day. It was for selling the wrong type of semi. *** Saw a rival dad at Home Depot so I asked if he needed help finding anything. *** My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive. *** I really lack the words to compliment myself today. *** Your mama so fat, when you kill her you got a 5 kill streak. *** I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive. *** That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is act natural, you're innocent. *** Ever get it on with a rodent? *** The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. *** They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I sayeverything includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily. *** Your phone screen is brighter than your future. *** There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically. *** She is so fat if you told her to haul ass it would take two trips. *** Ready for the only way to enjoy Instagram? Follow zero people. Follow every dog. *** Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow. *** If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world. *** You head is so long when you ran in a race you came first and last. *** Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. *** If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. *** I heard you were good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking y? *** I had an argument with a woman yeah I lost *** You seem like the kind of person who always tried to open the wrong side of the milk carton in grade school. *** I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl. *** Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the weighing scale it said: I need your weight, not your phone number. *** Did you hear about the monkey with a steak on his head, thought he was a grills? *** If you are a bit paranoid, does that mean you're upset with the numbers from 0 to 3? *** Idiot college called, they want there mascot back. *** There is no me in team. No, wait, yes there is! *** HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!! *** My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. *** The other day I stopped to pick buttercups, what buttocks were doing on the floor I don't know. *** Do you want to see a murderer? Kill someone and look yourself in the mirror. *** She's so fat that she ran down the street chasing a yellow school bus thinkg it was the largest twinkey ever. *** I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it. *** My kid wants $20 to go through a corn maze with his friends, which is $20 more than I normally pay to walk through vegetables. *** Wow, this article looks awesome. clicks link finds out it's a slideshow throws computer out the window *** I need to get a Transformer for my son for Christmas but it's sold out. I am an optimist primarily so I remain hopeful. *** What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog! *** Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? *** For me, being clean and sober means I'm showered and headed to the pub. *** I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things. *** Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us. *** My wine drinking is merely functional My personality is better with a little marinade. *** Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day. *** If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine. *** A man enters a store and says: 15 litres of wine please. Did you bring a container for this? You're speaking to it. *** You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. *** If I can't buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop. *** There's a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain. *** Yo hair so greasy, that you can survive off the fried chicken in food shortage. *** I can feel the gluons being exchanged between us. *** Every time you go to take a picture, when you smile you burn a hole straight through the camera. *** One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people. *** Twitter is just LinkedIn for the chronically unemployed. *** How many Jews can you fit in a Voltswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 8 million in the ash tray. *** Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus: the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward. *** I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. *** I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you. *** The fish tube is a government ploy to distract us from the very suspicious circumstances surrounding Jeffrey Epstein's death stay woke people. *** Any car is a self-driving car if you don't give a shit. *** Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack. *** Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no. *** What do you call a dictionary using meth? Addictionary. *** It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are? *** I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. *** I call my car the Pussy Wagon because that's where I go to cry. *** Carrot is orange but orange is not carrot. *** In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen. *** What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking. *** All the problems fade before a hangover *** Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN? *** I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me. *** Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that! *** A woman is like canned food: one opens and everyone eats. *** Your eyes have a perfect wavelength of 563.4 nm. *** What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet? The bullet gets out of the chamber. *** She's so ugly, she made a freight train take a dirt road! *** I am so poor I can't even pay attention. *** Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. *** A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile. *** Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. *** The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. *** This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture I told her I'm just looking for matches. *** I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you. *** I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking. *** What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most. *** Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys. *** How do you treat someone with herpes? With disdain. *** Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy. *** Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. *** When you were born the doctor slapped your mama and said oh goodie twins. *** Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system? *** What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration. *** Why do we laugh at female presidential candidates? Because they're Hillary-ous! *** If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled Beauty and the Beast you shouldn't ask her which one is which. *** Yo mamma so fat, when she plays paintball her teammates hide behind her. *** Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me. *** She is putting pasta up her ass call that pennetration. I prefer pasta on her chest. Spaghettits. *** Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to ? 6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to ? 6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad? *** Why did the chink fail his blood test? He didn't study! *** What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven! *** Your so fat you were rolling down a hill and you never stopped. *** We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore. *** Why did a woman include a bag of meth with her ATM transaction? She thought it would speed up her deposit! *** Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes. *** Staring at an eclipse without glasses is much less painful than looking at your face. *** Your so butters that clover the butter company used you in their adverts. *** What's the best thing about being a meth addict? Only one sleep till Christmas. *** There was an outbreak of food poisoning among the world leaders at the recent summit. During the food preparation, they feared what the Russians Putin May Merkel Trump. *** The next tropical cyclone should be named after you. It would be less fatal than your face. *** If you were a basketball, could I drive you, and lay you up? *** You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter *** It's better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. *** What's the difference between men and women going to the same holiday destination? Women go to phuket men go to fuket. *** What's the difference between a Boy-Scout and a Jew? Boy-Scouts get to leave camp. *** If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *** The best present is the present made by your own slaves. *** Oh good, an email from every single store or website I've ever bought something from. *** Learn from your parents mistakes: use birth control. *** Just found out an acquaintance is a drug dealer, would never have guessed, seems like a nice, funny guy. He always cracked me up. *** Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access. *** Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel *** I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass. *** Sometimes I shoot off at the mouth but I have turrets syndrome. *** Finally I got laid on top of a how woman, I was on the upper berth and she on the lower one. *** You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof. *** I got drunk last night and my house wasn't where I left it. *** What do you call a fag in a wheel-chair? Roll-AIDS. *** I used some magic to make some fog laugh. It was mist tickle. *** God must love stupid people. He made SO many. *** Two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the week cave. *** Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two. *** Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away. *** It's been proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of 13, boys around the age of 40. *** Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date: they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom. *** I would like my pizza to be 1/3 Hawaiian, 1/3 meat-lovers, and 1/3 vegeterian, said the zombie. *** When some one told you that you have jelly rolls, you tried to eat yourself but your fat body stopped you from doing so. *** If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it *** What medical condition does a person have if the shoot all the bullets out the mag, then tries to shoot the enemy and forgets he shoot all the bullets. Ammoneisa. *** What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. *** Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place. *** In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don't have such a principle. *** I had a dream that John Lennon and Gary Barlow formed a supergroup Imagine that! *** ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off *** Your pussy is in more danger than a seal during Shark Week. *** Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM. *** It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over. *** Welcome to our ool, notice there is no P in it, let's keep it that way. *** What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme! *** If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table. *** Looking at you, I understand why some animals eat their young. *** If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them. *** So sorry I asked if your makeup was by Picasso. *** Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. *** WHY GOD? WHY ONLY ME? WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME Didn't we had a deal that I never get old :'( *** I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough. *** My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know. *** My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. *** Lets role play I'll be Osama, You be a cave, and I'll hide up inside you *** You know she loves you when she picks your nose. How much is determined by whether she gives it to you or eats it herself. *** Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed. *** Hurry! Stop standing around, hearing all you can see! *** Your IQ is so low, even Frankenstein started crying. *** What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks *** Sis wanted a cheese, I gave her D camera and told her to say cheese! *** Is bullshit one word or two? I just want these Valentine's cards for my prayer group to be perfect. *** Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares? *** I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off. *** Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door. *** You so ugly on Halloween someone said scary costume. *** So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching. *** Kyle: Dude, why is my netflix DVD out in the snow? Ben: Well, I heard the coolest thing on the internet right now is netflix and CHILL! *** You: Is there 22 letters in the alphabet Them: No there is 26 You: Sorry I forgot U R Q T *** Oh Sorry Did you mistake me for someone who cares? *** Man, a tire's life must suck, we seem them rolling, then we hating. *** I asked Barack Obama if we could get together later, and he said Yes We Can! *** What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year. *** If I was a dog, and you were a flower, I'd lift up my legs, and give you a shower. *** Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop. *** One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours. *** I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones. *** War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. *** I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match *** If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you. *** For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts. *** My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine. *** It's just a bad day, not a bad life. *** My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. *** To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches. *** Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. *** I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. *** It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. *** I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. *** There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know. *** Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer. *** Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? *** I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. *** I drank so much I'm donating my liver to science fiction. *** Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down. *** Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight. *** Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. *** What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy. *** You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality. *** No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? *** What do you call a man having a seizure in a pile of leaves? Russell. *** In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way. *** I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, stop shaking the ladder you cunt. *** Wine improves with age. I improve with wine. *** My friend required 10 stitches in his ass. He was trying to cut fart and the knife slipped. *** My love for you is like God. Not real. *** Your mother so old she breast milk turn into powder milk. *** People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing Could I be more WORKING! *** If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. *** Someone told me a joke about transgender surgery. Took balls to tell it. *** I'm Muslim. In my last stand up I bombed. CIA is after me now. *** I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there The people must have wondered, Where the fuck is the driver? *** What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12. *** Booze booze the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink booze for every meal. *** Cheeses is the reason for the season. *** What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen. *** Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and a moped? A moped can make it to 30. *** Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to. *** Your mama got a eye in her ass talking about I see that shit. *** A woman says to the dentist I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby. The dentist says Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair! *** There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell. *** A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past. *** This is my backstory of how I discovered anal sex. *** I heard that Michael Jackson loved his soda, so much so that they called him the King of Pop. *** Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm. *** Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done. *** You so fat the scale screamed Get the fuck off me. *** What's a pedophiles favorite day of the year? Halloween because they get free delivery. *** Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice! *** The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin. *** Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s *** I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer. *** Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems. *** Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge. *** My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry. *** My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old. So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it. *** One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol. *** I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly. *** Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers. *** Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper. *** 15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too. *** I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. *** I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords. *** I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one. *** Suicide: Mans way of telling God - You can't fire me, I quit. *** Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. *** Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day: give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. *** You don't like her? Drink more. *** Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems. *** Do you believe in love at first sight or do i pass by you again. *** I'm Only Here For The Free Food *** What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat? The soldier knew what he signed up for. *** What does the dish scrambled eggs and brains have in common? Ignorant people! *** A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working. *** Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called Headmaster? *** Did you fall from heaven? No I crawled out from Hell. No wonder your really Hot! *** What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. *** Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly. *** What do you give the blonde that has everything? Penicillin. *** What can tourists do on a $65 tour of gang turf in Los Angeles? Purchase a postcard, t-shirt, and some crystal meth! *** Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? Because she was a ho ho ho. *** If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? This Guy is a goldmine. *** Jesus fed 5,000 men but Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast. *** Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out? *** You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with. *** I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law. *** What do you get when you give away free meth at a redneck zoo? Iced animal crackers! *** Hitler wasn't that bad a guy, I mean he did kill Hitler. *** I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90. *** I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? *** What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile. *** How did Jesus get in such good shape? Crossfit. *** Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free *** What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite. *** Why did God put men on the Earth? Becuase a vibrator can't mow the lawn. *** I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related. *** I lost my weed in a series of small fires. *** How did they know Princess Diana didn't have dandruff? Because they found her head and shoulders in the glove box. *** My girlfriend told me she was going to get pregnant and if wouldn't do it, she was going to the sperm bank! Boy, I gave her a mouth full! *** Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. *** Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. So it's like any other day. *** You're a lot like train tracks, you've gotten laid across the county. *** I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. *** Before I never used to believe when scientist talk about men evolve from apes But then I met YOU! *** I traded my Wifey for Wi-Fi! I'm now a refurbished Daddyrn@onlylebtim. *** See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. *** I can't stand being in a wheelchair. *** You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul. *** My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already. *** The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years! *** What is a chicken racing driver's favourite part of the car? The Eggs-celerator. *** So Donald Trump walks into a bar and lowers it. *** Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw his gas bills. *** Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose *** Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection. *** I named my hard drive dat ass so once a month my computer asks if I want toback dat ass up'. *** Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right. *** Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing. *** Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected. *** I knew a guy who was going to open a pastry shop. But he couldn't raise the dough. *** Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious. *** How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you? *** Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. *** I was going to ask my wife for anal but fuck it. *** It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too. *** What is it with people that won't embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please. *** What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count. *** Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod. *** What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. *** Did you hear about the guy who got killed and cut into pieces and stuffed into a zipper bag? His lips were sealed. *** What do you call an incomplete christmas sentence? A santa clause *** And the Lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. *** Scooters and fat girls are both fun to ride. Until your friends see you. *** Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the world trade centre. *** Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? Santa claws! *** A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back. *** I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff and I want it (: *** Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch. But most of you all are like mosquitos, annoying and easy to smash. *** It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot. *** What's the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis? A man. *** What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke. *** Teacher: Can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth? Student: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king! *** Are you a shark, cause I got some swimmers for you to swallow. *** I'm starting a new chapter of AA Almost Alcoholics, their motto is, Lets get sober, next week. *** Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Me: And? *** Help! This is my first time cooking for Thanksgiving. The turkey's been in the oven for two hours, and it's still running around! *** Where does a cracker meet his future wife? Family reunion. *** It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous. *** You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip. *** I think I banged a Chinese celebrity. She kept screaming I'm Wei Tu Yung like I was supposed to know the name. *** What's the difference between Jews and a pizza? It's okay to burn a Jew! *** Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left! *** Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. *** Whats does giving your sister head and light beer have in common? Even though it tastes the same, you still know something is very wrong. *** What is the abbreviation of KFC: Killing Fucking Crackers? *** Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands. *** If you're violent but also creative, try paintball. *** My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs. *** Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner. *** I think it's a real shame that today's young people don't even know why we really celebrate Halloween. None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that giant pumpkin. *** Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. *** What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? A pimp. *** What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture *** How do you pick up a Jewish chick. With a dust pan. *** Did you hear about the child with AIDS? it never gets old. I own an abortion clinic called Don't Kid Yourself *** What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic. *** Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag? A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer. *** For years, I struggled with dyslexia. Mostly because I was spelling it wrong. *** I got into an argument with a mime once, then I had to silence him. *** My wife goes out 3 evenings a week with her driving instructor.I wouldn't mind but she passed her driving test in 2018. *** What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them. *** The only difference between a pedophile and a zit is a zit waits for a child to reach puberty before it comes across its face! *** Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas. *** What do Jesus and the square root of negative one have in common? They're both imaginary. *** I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out people don't like it when you go the extra mile for them. *** A short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. *** I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet. *** I like my women the same as I like my whiskey. 20 years old and mixed up with coke! *** Who was the builder of King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference. *** Hitler's orange Jews. 100% concentrated. *** If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean? *** The wind was so strong last night I really struggled to light my cigarette. Eventually, after 20 minutes of trying, I gave in and stopped my motorbike on the hard shoulder. *** I figure I might need a new kidney in 30 years, so I've decided to have a kid. *** Atheist problems: being considered strange because you don't believe in a magic man in the sky! *** A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. *** Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting. *** I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am. *** Here, you can always find a party. Where I come from, the Party can always find you. *** God makes everyone in his own image, no? Yeah, he was drunk. *** Someday is not a day of the week. *** How do you Circumcise a Cracker? Kick his 3-year old daughter in the jaw. *** My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer. *** I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg! *** There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas. *** Never test the depth of the water with both feet. *** Friend: I don't want to bore you with my problems. Me: Awesome, thank you. *** When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born *** My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said: This isn't working. Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine. *** A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it. *** Doc says, Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live. Joe says, Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it! Doc says, OK, I give you a year *** Roses are red, Violets are blue. I've got five fingers, The middle one is for you. *** Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on. *** Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right? *** My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him oh yeah we'll see about that! *** The road to success is always under construction. *** My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny. *** Don't steal. That's the government's job. *** I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. *** My love is like communism: everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory. *** If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used. *** A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year. *** I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music? *** Yesterday I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket. *** That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale. *** Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, take off the candles. *** No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. *** I'm changing my name toBenefits on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say you are now friends with Benefits. *** I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. *** I told my girlfriend to text me when she got home she must be homeless. *** I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife. *** Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level. *** Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better. *** You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. *** I sometimes watch birds and wonder If I could fly who would I shit on? *** Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go. *** Last Father's Day my son gave me something I always wanted: the keys to my car. *** We come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. *** Sometimes I wish life had subtitles. *** My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, All kids smell that way. *** How come you're a peach is a complement but you're bananas is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart? *** I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. *** How did Jesus crucifixion save us? It'scause he nailed it! *** A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the b is silent. *** Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents. *** My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline: she hit the roof. *** And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars. *** If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. *** My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician. *** The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace. *** Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing? *** It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown. *** With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too. *** A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. *** Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star. *** I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. *** If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later. *** What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck. *** You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged. *** What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this? *** It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer. *** My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, yeah, Deez-el fit her. *** Did you hear about that guy who fell into the infinity pool? Yeah it took him forever to get out. *** Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! *** My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this? *** One way or another, I'm really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics *** I sleep in castle every two weeks. It's my fort night. *** So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. *** Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible. *** I bet you I could stop gambling. *** Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. *** Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun. *** I've decided to sell my Hoover well, it was just collecting dust. *** It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime. *** My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday. *** For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened. *** I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. *** I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions. *** Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes all the way to the bone! *** Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. *** For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. *** Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. *** I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you! *** Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you? *** Roses are red Violets are blue Love never crossed my mind Until I came across you. *** You're so fake, Barbie is jealous. *** Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile. *** If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. *** I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. *** Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands. *** You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning. *** Paying the internet $9.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test. *** Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. *** If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible? *** My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative. *** I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you. *** The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. *** What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit. *** Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think. *** I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS. *** Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario. *** Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins. *** Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. *** Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by. *** My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined. *** My wife asked me earlier: Are you even listening to me?. Which is a really weird way to start a conversation *** My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs. *** Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me? *** Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing. *** Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready. *** Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see. *** Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved. *** What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless. *** You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. *** The best things in life are free plus shipping and handling *** Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe *** I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin it. *** Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror *** Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. *** There's only one problem with your face, I can see it. *** If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty. *** Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself a piece of cake. *** My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person. *** You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away. *** If you had friends like mine, you'd be the luckiest guy in the world! *** Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island Can he fix it? Corsican! *** Hey, you have something on your chin no, the 3rd one down. *** Me: sneaks out of the house drives to another state hides in a cave quietly opens a bag of chips My kids: Can we have some? *** A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, I've not seen you for a while. The man replies, Yes, I've been ill. *** Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies. *** Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful. *** Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people. *** I ran a half marathon sounds so much better than I quit halfway through a marathon. *** Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious *** My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March. *** The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. *** What if there were no hypothetical questions? *** The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward. *** Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler *** Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have. It's kids. I have kids. *** Law professor: You're currently failing your ethics class. Me: slides a $20 across the desk How about now. *** If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents. *** Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. *** Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand. *** A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. *** My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun. *** Just found out I've failed my German exam. Sacre bleu! *** Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is. *** You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine! *** When you realize that waiting for the waiter makes you the waiter. *** I visited a postcard factory yesterday. It was good, but nothing to write home about *** Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside break their bones because they have 206 of them. *** When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, A very good doctor. *** Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother. *** What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone. *** Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer. *** My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. *** I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror. *** I need hug(e amount of money). *** A stock market crash is worse than a divorce, you lose half your money and your wife is still around. *** Smoking will kill you Bacon will kill you But, smoking bacon will cure it. *** I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford. *** That one lineri'm not drinking too much tonight never goes as planned *** Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? *** No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder. *** If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Not all this how did you get in my house?! business. *** If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? *** I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high. *** What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone. *** The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free. *** My teenage angst has lasted 30 years. *** As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? *** When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist. *** I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. *** My five-year-old: I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT! No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference. *** When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's art & music. But when I do it, I'm drunk and have to leave the hardware store. *** I put the fun in dysfunctional. *** Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple. *** Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. *** We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. *** Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again! *** Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept. *** Fishermen are reel men. *** I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game. *** Death is not the worst which can happen to men: Plato (After getting friend zoned) *** I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become! *** How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated. *** I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are. *** My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier. *** My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back. *** What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll. *** Currently the flower business is blooming. *** What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships. *** If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart. *** I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing. *** I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass. *** A guy goes to a club: the bouncer stops him. No tie, no entry. He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says How's this? The bouncer says I'll let you in, but don't start anything. *** Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days *** You're so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line. *** My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer. *** You're sweeter than 3.14 *** CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980. *** I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said If you can read this the b tch fell off. *** You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet. *** Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type! *** We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move. *** When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. *** You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity? *** My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering do I keep the letters? *** Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home! *** How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand! *** We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough. *** Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it. *** Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number? *** I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. *** Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock. *** I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog. *** I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law. *** I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that? *** I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already $150 up. I love being a postman! *** Hey Christmas Tree, you got a lot of balls coming in here dressed like that. *** I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss. *** I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one. *** You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white. *** All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors. *** Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a feminist it means I don't want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again. *** People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician. *** The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs one step at a time. *** Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid. *** Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! *** I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. *** If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA. *** How do trees access the internet? They log in. *** On the other hand, you have different fingers. *** They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts. *** I love how in horror movies the person will ask, Is anyone there? As if the killer would say Oh yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich? *** Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence. *** Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. *** I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. *** Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky! *** What does a liar do after he dies? He lies still. *** I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party. *** I would love to insult you but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence. *** Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious. *** I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since. *** You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk. *** My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby. *** My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account. *** If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? *** STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. *** You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts. *** If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer oh wait, he does. *** Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? *** Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. *** Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment. *** A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. *** It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. *** I know I know, smoking's bad for me and all. But, my mama told me never to be a quitter. *** I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. *** How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor. *** Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. *** I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well. *** I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not. *** I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. *** Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. *** What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995. *** If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that! *** You have two parts of brain,left andright'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left. *** A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. *** I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet. But I haven't seen any with more than 4. *** The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend. *** Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud. *** About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast. *** I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me. *** Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now. *** You're proof that god has a sense of humor. *** Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. *** Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel? *** Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly. *** So far eating hasn't filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I'm no quitter. *** If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty. *** If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? *** It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn. *** Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying! *** I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing except when you're at a funeral. *** I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless. *** Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film. *** Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. *** My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, Heads up, she's expecting a baby. Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper. *** How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents. *** If bullshit could float you'd be the Admiral of the fleet! *** I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works. *** How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving? *** What's the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar. *** If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. *** I'm pretending to be a hot girl on tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him Im coming over so he'll clean the apartment. *** Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough. *** Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired. *** Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella. *** I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice! *** Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? *** If number 666 is evil, then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil. *** My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It's enough to make a mango crazy. *** I'll be doing a book signing today at Barnes & Noble from 2pm until they kick me out for writing in random books. *** We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. *** Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes. *** I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant. *** Adams girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless. *** My wife left me because I'm insecure. No wait she's back. She just went to get coffee. *** My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv. *** After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs.Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other *** Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife. *** You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you. *** You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids. *** I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it. *** I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. *** I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. *** I changed my password to incorrect, so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is. *** Password looks at itself in the mirror: Don't listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password. *** By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. *** Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie! *** Teacher: Are you sleeping in my class? Student: Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could. *** I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit. *** Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software. *** You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits. *** My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge. *** Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change. *** Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere. *** Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, Is Pepsi okay? *** I tried to catch some fog, I mist. *** What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador. *** To be frank, I'd have to change my name. *** You look like a before picture. *** If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable. *** My grandma always said Slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire. *** Last week my Doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since. *** My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. *** My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions. *** What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. *** I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. *** It is very easy to become a superman, you just have to change the sequence of clothes while wearing. *** What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. *** Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake. *** When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on. *** 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter. *** Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend. *** Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday. *** Books are just TV for smart people. *** Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? *** I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them. *** Definition of Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. *** There's noI in team, but there is aU in suck. *** Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it. *** Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. *** No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves. *** Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow. *** What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? *** Saying super size it at the drive-thru doesn't work when it's a pharmacy. *** Best math book never written: High School Math by Cal Q. Luss *** Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. *** I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%. *** Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get? *** I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money. *** Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years. *** What would you get if you crossed a athlete and the Invisible Man?… Sports like no one has ever seen. *** Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus. *** The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate. *** Education is important but other stuff is more importanter. *** I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place. *** Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory. *** When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day. *** If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now. *** Just got a job as senior director at Old McDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO. *** Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better. *** I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze. *** My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me. *** Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. *** I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness. *** I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. *** When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive It's a good thing my older brother told me about it. *** Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. *** I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver. *** I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. *** The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time *** You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother Sudden Lee. *** What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. *** All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo. *** Teacher: Which book has helped you the most in your life? Student: My father's check book! *** You're so sad that even Bob the Builder can't fix your life. *** I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night. *** Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. *** You're fat. It's not because it runs in the family, you're fat because nobody runs in your family. *** My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door. *** Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their Daddy will become a Mummy. *** I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. It's all about balance. *** What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs. *** I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat. *** You're so fat, you could sell shade. *** Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. *** I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came Then it hit me! *** If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear it is he still wrong? *** I used to be in a band, we were calledlost dog'. You probably saw our posters. *** First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation. Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport? First woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years! *** A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games. *** The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it. *** I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table. *** How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me. *** Boss: You're fired. Me slam fist on the couch: You woke me up for this? *** My wife says I only have two faults I don't listen, and something else! *** Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me? *** Comedy is tragedy plus time. *** Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. *** I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. *** Anyone who says good morning on a Monday is a sociopath. *** I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. *** My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side. *** The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. *** Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up! *** Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element. *** Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent! *** Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business? *** My girlfriend asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick! She still hasn't talked to me! *** A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. *** What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake. *** If you are here - who is running hell? *** Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken. *** Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real. *** I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go. *** I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. *** What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB. *** No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it. *** Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight. *** You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen. *** True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. *** My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire. *** You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse. *** The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest. *** 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots. *** Finland has just closed it borders so now nobody can cross the Finnish line. *** How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. *** Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head. *** I like to hold hands at the movies which always seems to startle strangers. *** You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back. *** I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry *** I got a part in a movie called Cocaine. I only have one line. *** My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess. *** Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are. *** I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day. *** I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help. *** Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. And the barman says, oh god, not U2 again! *** My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not. *** As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. *** Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. *** Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages? *** In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. *** Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault. *** There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups. *** Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs. *** Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right. *** I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice. *** I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. *** I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading! *** Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open. *** Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade? A: The letter m. *** I work to buy a car to go to work. *** If you don't like the news, go out and make some. *** What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law. *** A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality is the key to success. *** As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought Dogs are easily amused, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail. *** If I ever use Whatever as a complete sentence, you better run. *** Scientist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context. Media: Scientist claims Findings are meaningless. *** Doctor, I'm addicted toThe Family Feud game show. What's wrong with me? Doctor: Well, the survey says *** My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers. *** Success is something that always comes faster to the man your wife almost married. *** My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too. *** The recipe said Set the oven to 180 degrees so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall. *** How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue. *** The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. *** My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life. *** I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission! *** What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. *** What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered! *** If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie? *** Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free. *** Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. *** The older I get, the earlier it gets late. *** I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. *** I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. *** Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months. *** The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. *** Atheism is a non-prophet organization. *** I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. *** Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap. *** I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. *** I never forget my son's first words Where the heck have you been for 16 years? *** Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. *** Social life? You mean my phone? *** You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog. *** To the guy who invented the number zero: Thanks for nothing. *** For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis. *** A plateau is the highest form of flattery. *** Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. *** Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster. *** I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was You're pretty annoying. but I'm choosing to focus on the positive. *** I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma. *** Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale. *** What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. *** Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story. *** My dad used to say Always fight fire with fire. Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service. *** Some people say If you can't beat them, join them. I say If you can't beat them, beat them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. *** Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. *** Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions. *** Broken pencils are pointless. *** Why are they called hemorrhoids? They should be called asteroids. *** Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? *** Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. *** My password is the last 16 digits of Pi. *** I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops. *** Do you know why libraries don't have books about suicide? They never get returned. *** There is no key to a woman's heart. There's only a password that changes regularly. *** Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to Hack me if you can and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to Challenge accepted somebody help. *** I thought I understood the meaning of When Pigs Fly but then the swine flu. *** Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do! *** My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. *** He doesn't know the meaning of fear but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words. *** Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos. *** I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter. *** I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy. *** My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. *** The best time to open a gift is the present. *** I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth. *** Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad. *** You're never too old to learn something stupid. *** Why can't fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish! *** Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad. *** Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them! *** Self Control - the only way to survive in a world full of idiots. *** My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do. *** May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions? *** If time is money are ATM's time machines? *** Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. *** I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map. *** I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello! *** Did you hear about the math teacher who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them. *** Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware. *** You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. *** If I could meet my brain the first thing I would probably say is: It was truly and sincerely horrible working with you. *** Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit: Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. *** My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off. *** The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. *** The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed. *** No one is listening until you make a mistake. *** I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore. *** Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention. *** I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future. *** Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work? *** My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words Lazy. *** Why do Java developers wear glasses? Beacause they cant C#. *** The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly. *** We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. *** Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike. *** You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish. *** Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege! *** iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can't afford it *** The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. *** I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit. *** Raccoons? Oh, you mean garbage pandas? *** I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time. *** What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. *** Me: You said dress for the job you want. Boss: Give me my clothes back. *** If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. *** Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. *** Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard. *** What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point! *** I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do. *** What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. *** It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. *** Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress *** You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me. *** Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly. *** They say don't try this at home so I'm coming over to your house to try it ! *** Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment. *** Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow. *** Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you. *** Russian history in 5 words: And then things got worse. *** Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. *** Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up. *** What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs. *** If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. *** Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality. *** Marriage is the main reason for divorce. *** I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella. *** Don't mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore. *** Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel. *** My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. *** A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason details are sketchy. *** Team work is important: it helps to put the blame on someone else. *** Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. *** How did I escape Iraq? Iran. *** Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball. *** I was addicted to the hokey pokey but thankfully, I turned myself around. *** I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're bothlefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right. *** Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. *** Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.