{"quote":"“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named \"Bush\", \"Dick\", and \"Colin.\" Need I say more?”","author":"Chris Rock","tags":["comedy","everyday-life","funny","humor","observational-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”","author":"Suzanne Collins,","tags":["boggs","finnick","funny","humour","hunger-games","katniss","mockingjay","odair","suzanne-collins","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”","author":"Billy Sunday,","tags":["automobile","car","funny","humor","religious"]}
{"quote":"“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”","author":"George Carlin","tags":["funny","humanity","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”","author":"Phyllis Diller","tags":["anger","funny","sleep"]}
{"quote":"“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”","author":"Mark Twain","tags":["classic-insult","funeral","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“What the hell is that?\" I laughed.\"It's my fox hat.\"\"Your fox hat?\"\"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.\"\"Why are you wearing your fox hat?\" I asked.\"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”","author":"Marilyn Monroe","tags":["dirty","funny","logo","sex"]}
{"quote":"“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”","author":"Lemony Snicket,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["awesomeness","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”","author":"Albert Einstein","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”","author":"Cathy Guiswite","tags":["eyes","funny","lemons"]}
{"quote":"“It's not because I want to make out with her.\"Hold on.\" He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. \"I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”","author":"Jerry Seinfeld","tags":["books","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["funny","ghost","jesper","six-of-crows"]}
{"quote":"“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”","author":"Rodney Dangerfield","tags":["crime","funny","humour","neighborhoods"]}
{"quote":"“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”","author":"Golda Meir","tags":["funny","golda","meir","true"]}
{"quote":"“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,\" he grunted, \"It relaxes me.\"\"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I'm going to wake Peeta,\" I say.\"No, wait,\" says Finnick. \"Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.\"Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. \"Peeta. Peeta, wake up,\" I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. \"Aa!\"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”","author":"Suzanne Collins,","tags":["funny","humor","prank"]}
{"quote":"“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”","author":"Yogi Berra,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I cannot go to school today\"Said little Peggy Ann McKay.\"I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox.And there's one more - that's seventeen,And don't you think my face looks green?My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,It might be the instamatic flu.I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,I'm sure that my left leg is broke.My hip hurts when I move my chin,My belly button's caving in.My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,My 'pendix pains each time it rains.My toes are cold, my toes are numb,I have a sliver in my thumb.My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,I hardly whisper when I speak.My tongue is filling up my mouth,I think my hair is falling out.My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,My temperature is one-o-eight.My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,There's a hole inside my ear.I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...What? What's that? What's that you say?You say today is .............. Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!”","author":"Shel Silverstein","tags":["children","funny","poem"]}
{"quote":"“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”","author":"Bill Cosby","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”","author":"Lawrence Ferlinghetti","tags":["beatnik","cynical","funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Did you see that dress?” \"I saw the dress.” \"Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. \"Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. \"You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Headline?\" he asked.\"'Swing Set Needs Home,'\" I said.\"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'\" he said.\"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'\" I said.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny","humor","humour","internet","john-green","pedophile","pedophilia","tfios","the-fault-in-our-stars"]}
{"quote":"“Um...is that thing tame?\" Frank said.The horse whinnied angrily.\"I don't think so,\" Percy guessed. \"He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","silly-chinese-canadian-baby-man"]}
{"quote":"“Can you surf really well, then?\"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.\"Jeez, Nico,\" I said. \"I've never really tried.\"He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”","author":"Rick Riordan","tags":["annabeth-chase","athena","funny","humor","myth","mythology","olympians","percy-jackson","posiedon","the-lightning-thief","zeus"]}
{"quote":"“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”","author":"Stephanie Lennox,","tags":["fighting","funny","humour","husband","inspirational","love","lover","relationships","romance","spiritual","sweet","wife"]}
{"quote":"“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”","author":"Will Rogers","tags":["advice","funny","reticence","silence"]}
{"quote":"“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","morganvillevampires"]}
{"quote":"“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?\"\"I'm always a girl\" I frown.\"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl\"I twirl my hair around my finger. \"Kay.”","author":"Veronica Roth,","tags":["christina","divergent","funny","humor","tris","veronica-roth"]}
{"quote":"“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["antipathy","dislike","funny","hatred"]}
{"quote":"“But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["celebrity","dumbledore","fame","funny"]}
{"quote":"“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”","author":"Masashi Kishimoto,","tags":["funny","manga","naruto","women"]}
{"quote":"“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”","author":"Rodney Dangerfield","tags":["funny","humour","infidelity","parenthood","parenting","sexuality"]}
{"quote":"“Puns are the highest form of literature.”","author":"Alfred Hitchcock","tags":["funny","humor","literature","puns"]}
{"quote":"“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?\"All the time.”","author":"Wendy Mass,","tags":["flotsam","funny","humor","jeremy-fink","jetsam","keys","lizzy","wendy-mass","what-i-always-think"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who d’you know who’s lost a buttock?” the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly. “Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!” growled Mad-Eye. “Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore . . .” He stumped off toward the kitchen. “And I saw that,” he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","wizards"]}
{"quote":"“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”","author":"Lauren Myracle","tags":["funny","home","life"]}
{"quote":"“Do you want a cookie?- What?- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?- No.- How can you not want a cookie?- I just don't.- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?- I'd eat a cookie?- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.- What are you saying?- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have acookie?- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.- And you don't think that's fair.- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you somuch.- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like yousaid, it's not fair.- So what are you going to do?- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fairto ten-year-olds.”","author":"Nicholas Sparks,","tags":["cookie","funny"]}
{"quote":"“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“Perv.\"He pointed to himself. \"Male and eighteen. What's your point?”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","morganvillevampires"]}
{"quote":"“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”","author":"Robert Benchley","tags":["bleeding","funny","humor","opera","stabbed"]}
{"quote":"“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”","author":"Isaac Asimov","tags":["comment","death","death-and-dying","funny","life","transition"]}
{"quote":"“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”","author":"Roald Dahl,","tags":["crazy","funny","words"]}
{"quote":"“Inconceivable!\"\"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”","author":"William Goldman,","tags":["bride","funny","humor","movie","princess"]}
{"quote":"“aren't you, uh... reproducing?\"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["city-of-bones","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!”","author":"Lewis Carroll,","tags":["alice","alice-in-wonderland","door","funny","humor","wordplay"]}
{"quote":"“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”","author":"James Dashner,","tags":["funny","humor","random","the-maze-runner"]}
{"quote":"“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”","author":"Benjamin Franklin","tags":["funny","inspirational","money"]}
{"quote":"“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”","author":"Rodney Dangerfield","tags":["crime","funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["dating","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.”","author":"Jess C. Scott,","tags":["desire","funny","honesty","humor","humour","love","lust","passion","relationships","romance","sex","truth","wisdom","young","young-adult","young-adults","youth"]}
{"quote":"“Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!”","author":"James Patterson","tags":["funny","iggy","max","maximum-ride"]}
{"quote":"“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”","author":"Charles M. Schulz","tags":["cute","funny","sad","stupid"]}
{"quote":"“I've got the Mark of Cain,\" said Simon. \"That means nothing can kill me, right?\"\"You can kill yourself,\" Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. \"As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.\"\"There goes my Saturday.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-lost-souls","funny","humor","lambada","magnus-bane","mark-of-cain","simon-lewis","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!”","author":"Lauren Myracle,","tags":["funny","humor","waffles"]}
{"quote":"“You…you got rid of that dress fast,\" I pointed out between heavy breaths. \"I thought you liked it.\" \"I do like it,\" he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. \"I love it.\" And then he took me to the bed.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["dimitri","funny","rose-hathaway","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“The funniest people are the saddest ones”","author":"Confucius","tags":["funny","people","sad"]}
{"quote":"“Remind me,\" he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, \"to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["daemon","funny","katy","ninja"]}
{"quote":"“Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time.\" [...]\"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session.\" \"Oh yeah?\" I retorted. \"Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then.\" \"It's always a good a time to think about you naked,\" added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”","author":"Pseudonymous Bosch,","tags":["anime","emotions","funny","humor","manga","provoke","troublesome"]}
{"quote":"“A ghostly smile flickered across his face. \"If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around.\" \"Funny, I feel that way about you too.\" He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["christian","funny","rose"]}
{"quote":"“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","bad-ass","funny"]}
{"quote":"“The human body is the best work of art.”","author":"Jess C. Scott","tags":["art","beauty","body","body-image","dancer","desire","fashion","fitness","food-for-thought","funny","girl","hip-hop","honesty","humor","humour","lust","lust-for-life","passion","young","young-adult","young-adults","youth"]}
{"quote":"“I have lightning and wind powers,\" Jason reminded him. \"Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'\"Leo snorted. \"If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["fire","funny","humor","powers","the-lost-hero"]}
{"quote":"“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”","author":"Hergé,","tags":["end-of-the-world","funny","tintin"]}
{"quote":"“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”","author":"Bill Watterson","tags":["calvin-and-hobbes","comic","education","funny","school"]}
{"quote":"“Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.”","author":"John Green","tags":["funny","harry-potter","reality"]}
{"quote":"“I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!”","author":"C. JoyBell C.","tags":["funny","good-and-bad","humor","humour","life","life-and-living","woman","woman-s-character","womanhood","women"]}
{"quote":"“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.”","author":"Holly Black,","tags":["corny","funny","ironside"]}
{"quote":"“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement”","author":"Jess C Scott","tags":["beauty","body","body-image","culture","dance","dancer","desire","fashion","fitness","food","food-for-thought","friendship","funny","girl","health","healthy","hip-hop","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","lust-for-life","music","novel","passion","reality","relationships","self","sex","truth","wisdom","young","young-adult","young-adult-fiction","young-adult-literature","young-adult-novels","young-adults","youth"]}
{"quote":"“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["funny","sookie-eric"]}
{"quote":"“That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["family","forbidden-love","funny"]}
{"quote":"“The three of you have one solution to every problem. Murder. No key fits every lock.” Cardan gives us all a stern look, holding up a long-fingered hand with my stolen ruby ring still on one finger. “Someone tries to betray the High King, murder. Someone gives you a harsh look, murder. Someone disrespects you, murder. Someone ruins your laundry, murder.”","author":"Holly Black,","tags":["funny","murder"]}
{"quote":"“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”","author":"Rodney Dangerfield","tags":["funny","humour","neighborhoods"]}
{"quote":"“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["accurate","drowsiness","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”","author":"Jess C. Scott,","tags":["body","cool","desire","erotic","erotica","funny","girl","honesty","humor","humour","incest","love","lust","passion","relationships","romance","sex","sexuality","sister","taboo","truth","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["bat","funny","team","truck"]}
{"quote":"“Sane is boring.”","author":"R. A. Salvatore","tags":["boring","crazy","forgotten-realms","funny","humor","jarlaxle","salvatore","sane","servant-of-the-shard"]}
{"quote":"“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["first","funny","skydiving"]}
{"quote":"“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: \"Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”","author":"George Carlin,","tags":["alcohol","funny","humor","laugh","warning-labels"]}
{"quote":"“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty.\"Gideon Wyeth:\"Why?\"Ethan: \"Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.”","author":"Orson Scott Card","tags":["advent-rising","funny","humour","stupid"]}
{"quote":"“I am your Prince and you will marry me,\" Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, \"I am your servant and I refuse.\"\"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.\"\"I am your loyal servant and I just did.\"\"Refusal means death.\"\"Kill me then.”","author":"William Goldman,","tags":["funny","humor","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["coach-hedge","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I am a Jew. Hathnot a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, organs,dimensions, senses, affections, passions? fed withthe same food, hurt with the same weapons, subjectto the same diseases, healed by the same means,warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, asa Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed?if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poisonus, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we notrevenge? If we are like you in the rest, we willresemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian,what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christianwrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be byChristian example? Why, revenge. The villany youteach me, I will execute, and it shall go hard but Iwill better the instruction.”","author":"William Shakespeare","tags":["antisemitism","funny","revenge"]}
{"quote":"“How is it possible to have a civil war?”","author":"George Carlin","tags":["euphemism","funny","humor","terminology","war"]}
{"quote":"“She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.”","author":"Mae West","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Take off your shirt.\"Jace raised his eyebrows. \"I'm not going to attack you,\" she said impatiently. \"I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.\"\"Are you sure?\" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. \"Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-lost-souls","clary-fray","funny","humor","jace-lightwood","jace-wayland","naked-chest","shirt","swooning","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”","author":"Lily Tomlin","tags":["funny","goals-in-life","humor","inspirational","wish"]}
{"quote":"“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.”","author":"Bertrand Russell,","tags":["communism","democracy","dishonesty","funny","humour","politicians","politics","revolution","socialism"]}
{"quote":"“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”","author":"Henny Youngman","tags":["funny","marriage","men","relationships","women"]}
{"quote":"“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”","author":"Bill Watterson","tags":["calvin-and-hobbes","funny","humor","lemons","life"]}
{"quote":"“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.\" Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. \"Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","gender-stereotypes","men-and-women"]}
{"quote":"“Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","morganvillevampires","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”","author":"Woody Allen","tags":["funny","love","sex"]}
{"quote":"“How long have you been standing there?\"\"Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.\"\"He deserved it.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["annoyed","daemon","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. \"You slobbered on my nose,\" she said, and laughed”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”","author":"Groucho Marx","tags":["funny","innuendo"]}
{"quote":"“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”","author":"Bernard Branson","tags":["adult","african-american-romance","angels","baby","bible","bible-study","business","childrens","christian-living","christian-romance","college","creativity","dark-fantasy","dating","economics","education","educational","entrepreneurship","ethics","explicit","faith","family","family-relationships","fantasy-romance","friendship","fun","funny","humorous-romance","jesus","leadership","love-story","management","marriage","meditation","motivational","nonfiction","paranormal-romance","parenting","personal-transformation","relationships","religion","romantic-comedy","romantic-suspense","self-esteem","self-help","sex","sexuality","sexy","spiritual-growth","spirituality","students","success","supernatural","teen","women","young-adult","young-adult-fantasy"]}
{"quote":"“The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left,\" said Hermione stubbornly. \"I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up\" \"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!\" said Ron indignantly....\"My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!\" \"And they'd love to have me,\" said Harry sarcastically. \"We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["blood-traitors","death-eaters","funny","humor","muggle-born","muggles","wizards"]}
{"quote":"“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["funny","funny-but-true","hell","humor","introversion","introvert","introverts","parties","party","partying","people","saints","social","socializing"]}
{"quote":"“Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","bloodlines","funny","richelle-mead","the-golden-lily"]}
{"quote":"“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”","author":"George Bernard Shaw","tags":["funny","humor","optimism","pessimism"]}
{"quote":"“Your mail could've waited.\" Daemon followed me into the kitchen. \"What is it? Just books?\"Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["books","funny"]}
{"quote":"“A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.”","author":"Harry Styles","tags":["cute","fun","funny","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much.\" \"Dick. That's not what you said last night.\"\"Bite me.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","gay","morganville-vampires"]}
{"quote":"“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”","author":"Groucho Marx","tags":["funny","simplicity"]}
{"quote":"“V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["body","books","cool","culture","desire","emotion","friendship","funny","girl","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","music","novel","passion","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","technology","truth","wisdom","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”","author":"Marian Keyes,","tags":["funny","humour","love","relationships","women"]}
{"quote":"“What's a dementor?\"I mean, I can't even. \"Nora, you are no longer my sister.\"\"So it's some Harry Potter thing,\" she says.”","author":"Becky Albertalli,","tags":["funny","harry-potter-reference"]}
{"quote":"“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?”","author":"Shannon L. Alder","tags":["adversity","anger","battles","boyfriends","breakups","choices","confusion","crazy-love","crush","dating","disease","divorce","exboyfriends","exgirlfriends","exspouse","feelings","funny","hatred","humor","in-love","insane","insane-love","insanity","lack-of-communication","life","mad-love","marriage","mixed-signals","obsessive-love","partners","relationships","romance","spouse","struggles","stupid-men","stupid-women","unfinished-business","unrequited-love"]}
{"quote":"“So that's it?\" Kenji says. \"You just like him for his personality, huh?\"\"What?\"\"All of this,\" Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, \"has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and him being able to touch you all the time?\"\"You think Warner is sexy?\"\"That is not what I said.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["funny","ignite-me","juliette-ferrars","kenji-kishimoto"]}
{"quote":"“I've had great success being a total idiot. ”","author":"Jerry Lewis","tags":["funny","humor","idiot","jerry","lewis","success"]}
{"quote":"“Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","funny"]}
{"quote":"“She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.”","author":"Gayle Forman,","tags":["bitch","funny","if-i-stay"]}
{"quote":"“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”","author":"Jon Stewart","tags":["canada","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care.”","author":"Kiera Cass,","tags":["badass","funny","girl-power","hunor"]}
{"quote":"“If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.”","author":"Gilles Deleuze","tags":["dream","fucked-up","funny","humor","other","philosophy","relationships"]}
{"quote":"“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”","author":"Becca Fitzpatrick,","tags":["anger","cheerios","funny","vee-sky"]}
{"quote":"“You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.”","author":"Johnny Depp","tags":["careful","funny","silence","talking"]}
{"quote":"“This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!”","author":"Gerard Way","tags":["funny","gerardway","peasy","pie","pumpkins"]}
{"quote":"“Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.”","author":"Thomas Bernhard,","tags":["funny","humor","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“Ronan's bedroom door burst open. Hanging on the door frame, Ronan leaned out to peer past Gansey. He was doing that thing where he looked like both the dangerous Ronan he was now and the cheerier Ronan he had been when Gansey first met him.\"Hold on,\" Gansey told Adam. Then, to Ronan: \"Why would he be?\"\"No reason. Just no reason.\" Ronan slammed his door.Gansey asked Adam, \"Sorry. You still have that suit for the party?\"Adam's response was buried in the sound of the second-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, \"He threw me out the window!\"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: \"You're already dead!”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["dead","funny","gansey","noah","ronan"]}
{"quote":"“I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”","author":"William Faulkner","tags":["funny","harsh","ironic"]}
{"quote":"“Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["bisexuality","body","desire","funny","gender","gender-bending","gender-equality","honesty","individuality","lgbt","love","philosophy","relationships","sexuality"]}
{"quote":"“Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”","author":"Lewis Carroll","tags":["funny","wonderland"]}
{"quote":"“And now,\" Eric yelled into his mircophone, \"we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["city-of-fallen-angels","crazy","eric","funny","humor","love","teen","teenage-love"]}
{"quote":"“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”","author":"Dave Barry","tags":["funny","humour","jokes"]}
{"quote":"“Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. \"Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["cute","funny","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something.\"Daemon waggled his brows. \"You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--\"\"Shut up.\" I shook my head and started walking.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["daemon","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“But that quickly faded, and he frowned. \"You're bleeding,\" he said. \"What happened?\"Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. \"Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else.\" Michael looked blank. \"I'm a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","morganville-vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon.\"Daemon's grin went up a notch. \"Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["cocky","daemon","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["albus-dumbledore","dumbledore","funny","the-philosopher-s-stone"]}
{"quote":"“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”","author":"D.J. MacHale","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.\"\"Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Jem gave her a wistful look. “Must you go? I was rather hoping that you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”\t“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”\t“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.\t“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared it to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”\tJem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["friendship","funny","jem-carstairs","will-herondale"]}
{"quote":"“Huh,\" Leo said. \"Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz.\"She smirked. \"A job, eh?\" Making things in your forge?\"\"Nah, we could start our own shop,\" Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. \"Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["calypso","funny","humor","leo-valdez","love"]}
{"quote":"“Whatever happened to the dragon?\"I mustered my primmest tone. \"He has a name, you know.\"Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look. \"I didn't know, actually. What'd you decide on?\"\"Hopper.\" When Adrian laughed, I added, \"Best rabbit ever. He'd be proud to know his name is being passed on.\"\"Yes, I'm sure he would. Did you name the Mustang too?\"\"I think you mean the Ivashkinator.\"He stared at me in wonder. \"I told you I loved you, right?\"Yes,\" I assured him. \"Many times.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","bloodlines","cute","funny","humour","love","richelle-mead","romance","romantic","sydney-sage","sydrian","the-indigo-spell"]}
{"quote":"“I was feeling the height of bitchiness.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“Loki'd!”","author":"Tom Hiddleston","tags":["evil","funny","god","hiddleston","loki","mischief","mtv","norse","prank","tom"]}
{"quote":"“Stairs,\" Valkyrie said, disappointed.\"Not just ordinary stairs,\" Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. \"Magic stairs.\"\"Really?\"\"Oh, yes.\"She followed him into the darkness. \"How are they magic?\"\"They just are.\"\"In what way?\"\"In a magicky way.\"She glared at the back of his head. \"They aren't magic at all, are they?\"\"Not really.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["conversation","derek-landy","funny","humor","magic","skulduggery-pleasant","stairs","valkyrie"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,\" said Jace. \"I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["body","books","cool","culture","desire","emotion","friendship","funny","girl","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","music","novel","passion","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","technology","truth","wisdom","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… \"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.\" Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["curran","funny","kate"]}
{"quote":"“Isabelle snorted, \"All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.\"\"You noticed,\" said Simon. \"I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,\" added Magnus. \"Please never say those words in front of my parents,\" said Alec.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["alec-lightwood","bisexual","cassandra-clare","city-of-lost-souls","funny","gay","humor","isabelle-lightwood","magnus-bane","mortal-instruments","simon-lewis"]}
{"quote":"“One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock...”","author":"Johnny Depp","tags":["advice","bullies","funny","johnny-depp","mom"]}
{"quote":"“Which way did they go, Peeves?\" Filch was saying. \"Quick, tell me.\" \"Say 'please.'\" \"Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?\" \"Shan't say nothing if you don't say please,\" said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. \"All right- PLEASE.\" \"NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!\" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["filch","funny","harry-potter","humor","peeves","please"]}
{"quote":"“Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["curse","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped,\" he said. \"We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?\"\"Frank!\" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. \"We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.\"\"Kissed a couple of times,\" Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. \"Not helping!”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["found","funny","humor","kissing","lol","oh-my-god-percy","otp-foreva"]}
{"quote":"“Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","cat","funny","grave","halfway"]}
{"quote":"“Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.”","author":"Peyton Manning","tags":["football","funny","peyton-manning"]}
{"quote":"“You're insane!\" she shouted.\"Pretty cool, huh?\"\"No!\"Tally yelled. \"Why didn't you tell me it was broken?\"Shay shrugged. \"More fun that way?\"\"More fun?\" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy.\"Well, kind of. But you suck!”","author":"Scott Westerfeld,","tags":["anger","coaster","funny","insane","joy","relief","roller","shay","tally"]}
{"quote":"“Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["cute","funny","love","shiver-maggie-stiefvater-space"]}
{"quote":"“She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny","morning","paul","yeva"]}
{"quote":"“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day,\" Raquel said firmly. \"And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.”","author":"Claudia Gray,","tags":["funny","self-knowledge","temptation"]}
{"quote":"“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["clary-fray","funny","name-calling"]}
{"quote":"“Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.”","author":"Moira Young,","tags":["blood-red-road","funny","humor","moira-young","rule"]}
{"quote":"“I have to return some videotapes”","author":"Bret Easton Ellis,","tags":["american","bale","bret","christian","easton","ellis","funny","humor","psycho","return","videotapes"]}
{"quote":"“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, \"I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.”","author":"amy poehler,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”","author":"Michelle Obama","tags":["fashion","funny","humor","michelle-obama","obama"]}
{"quote":"“It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["archer","bad-dog","funny","sophie"]}
{"quote":"“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.”","author":"Lance Armstrong","tags":["acceptance","funny","life","rejection"]}
{"quote":"“Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","bad-ass","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["funny","love","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?\"\"Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?\"That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. \"He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats.\"Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh. \"I might die of surprise,\" Lucien said behind me. \"You made a joke, Feyre.\"I turned to look at him with a cool smile. \"You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you.\" I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat.\"I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien,\" Tamlin said.A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, \"Brushed.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["feyre","funny","lucien","tamlin"]}
{"quote":"“I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.“Ow!”“Taste the rainbow bitch.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["funny","humor","jamie-roth","mara-dyer","the-retribution-of-mara-dyer"]}
{"quote":"“You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?\"\"I've a knife in my boot,\" she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.”","author":"Kristin Cashore,","tags":["badass","funny","humor","hunting"]}
{"quote":"“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres","tags":["funny","godmothers","humor","lol"]}
{"quote":"“She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["calypso","funny","humor","leo-valdez","love"]}
{"quote":"“She blinked. \"Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?\"\"What did... he looked like a guy. So?\"\"A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?\"\"I guess... Not the dog-headed guy.\"\"I knew it!\" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument.\"Good-looking. I knew it!\"And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house. My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","strange","the-red-pyramid"]}
{"quote":"“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.”","author":"Maria Semple,","tags":["comic","fiction","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","ron-weasley"]}
{"quote":"“If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.”","author":"David Cook","tags":["funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-bones","entertainment","funny","humor","jace-wayland","love","mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["balance","funny","humor","life"]}
{"quote":"“I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”","author":"Mark A. Cooper,","tags":["funny","humor","prick","rude-quote","schoolboy-quote","witty-comebacks"]}
{"quote":"“Are you a female dog?\"\"What?\" Massie asked. \"Why?\"\"Because you are acting like a real bitch!”","author":"Lisi Harrison,","tags":["bitch","clique","comebacks","dog","female","fun","funkalicous","funny","harrison","humor","lisi","massie"]}
{"quote":"“The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”","author":"John Green","tags":["dancing","funny","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","hero","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. \"You see? You think that would be possible without magic? \"Actually,\" replied Simon, \"It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.”","author":"Cassandra Clare","tags":["funny","magic","magnus-bane"]}
{"quote":"“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”","author":"George Carlin","tags":["funny","god","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["bisexual","bisexuality","bisexuals","body","books","boy","cool","culture","desire","emotion","erotic","erotica","friendship","funny","gay","gay-men","gay-rights","glbt","guy","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","music","novel","passion","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","sexuality","society","society-s-increasing-stupidity","technology","truth","wisdom","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”","author":"Franklin D. Roosevelt","tags":["funny","humor","politics","usa"]}
{"quote":"“If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-ashes","funny","isabelle"]}
{"quote":"“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["funny","law"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?''No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["dumbledore","funny","muggles"]}
{"quote":"“You don't want him,\" she said to the pink-haired girl. \"He has syphilis.\"The girls stared. \"Syphilis?\"\"Five percent of people in America have it,\" said Ty helpfully.\"I do not have syphilis,\" Mark said angrily. \"There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!\"\"Sorry,\" Jules said. \"You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["blackthorn-family","funny","humour","julian-blackthorn","mark-blackthorn"]}
{"quote":"“I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["daemon","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“I passed out from stress? That’s it?”“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne.”","author":"Marissa Meyer,","tags":["cinder","funny","thorne"]}
{"quote":"“Haven't you ever heard of the saying, \"If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!\"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed”","author":"Hiromu Arakawa,","tags":["full-metal-alchemist","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.Ezra: You're taping this, right?Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my… oh, dear… yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.Interviewer: Mr. Mason...Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03\/19\/75.Ezra: Look at it wiggl--audio ends-”","author":"Amie Kaufman,","tags":["funny","lol"]}
{"quote":"“Nice costume,\" he said. \"Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours.\"Amusement curled his mouth. \"If you don't like it, I can take it off.”","author":"Becca Fitzpatrick,","tags":["becca-fitzpatrick","finale","funny","hush-hush","love","nora-grey","patch-and-nora","patch-cipriano","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["be-yourself","being-yourself","clever","comedic","differences","everyone","funny","funny-but-true","humor","ignorance","jokes","laughter","mockery","opinions","personality","personality-types","sense-of-humor","similarities","stupidity","traits","types","witty"]}
{"quote":"“I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.”","author":"Andy Weir,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Why don't Fjerdans let girls fight?\"\"They don't want to fight.\"\"How do you know? Have you ever asked one?\"\"Fjerdan women are to be venerated, protected.\"\"That's probably a wise policy.\"\"It is?\"\"Think how embarrassing it would be for you when you got trounced by a Fjerdan girl.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["banter","fight","funny"]}
{"quote":"“What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.”","author":"Charles Bukowski,","tags":["advice","alcohol","authors","bukowski","cigarettes","drink","funny","humor","ironic","irony","sarcasm","sex","smoke","writers","writing","writing-process"]}
{"quote":"“My friend \"M\" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.”","author":"Isaac Marion,","tags":["funny","zombies"]}
{"quote":"“Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["absence","amazement","amazing","commas","editing","funny","god","humor","love","lover","relationships","sex","sex-god","transform","transformation","word-junkies","writer","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Please, touch me, I pray.”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["desire","friendship","funny","girl","hip-hop","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","lust","lust-for-life","music","novel","passion","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","truth","wisdom","young","young-adult","young-adult-fiction","young-adult-literature","young-adult-novels","young-adults"]}
{"quote":"“The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!”","author":"Shannon L. Alder","tags":["alienating","bad-memories","blaming-others","broken-records","brutal-truth","bury","burying","dating","degrading-yourself","distancing","drowning-others","family","family-conflict","fights","find-joy","finding-focus","focus-on-positive","forget-it","forgive","friends","funeral-director","funny","give-it-up","happiness","hating-others","humor","hurting-others","issues","joyful-living","let-go","let-it-go","letting-go","life-coach","life-coaching","love-one-another","move-on","moving-on","obnoxious","over-thinking","paranoia","peace","relationships","rotted-corpse","siblings","staying-positive","stayingpositiveu-com"]}
{"quote":"“I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["business","fact","factory","facts","funny","humor","life","love","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”","author":"Wendell Johnson","tags":["advice","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Maybe you could be mine \/ or maybe we’ll be entwined \/ aimless in this sexless foreplay.”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["body","boy","boyfriend","boys","cool","culture","desire","emotion","friendship","funny","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","music","novel","passion","poem","poems","poet","poetry","poetry-life","poets","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","technology","truth","wisdom","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?”“No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.”“Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.”I smiled. “I’ll remember that.”***“Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.”“Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori.“Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.”“So my dark secret is out.”“I didn’t know it was a secret.”“Not really. Just not something I advertise.”...“Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?”“Apparently not,” I murmured.Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…”“That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.”“Kind of a letdown, then, huh?”“No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.”“All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.”He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.“Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?”I placed it in his outstretched hand.“You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?”“Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.”He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?”I laughed.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.”","author":"Tina Fey,","tags":["funny","politics","professionalism","prostitution","virtues"]}
{"quote":"“Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["funny","sookie-eric"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, of course,\" said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. \"I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","harry-potter","humor","ron-weasley"]}
{"quote":"“I didn't realize there was a ranking.\" I said. \"Sadie frowned. \"What do you mean?\" \"A ranking,\" I said. \"You know, what's crazier than what.\" \"Oh, sure there is,\" Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. \"First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here.\" \"So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain,\" I said. Sadie shook her head. \"Uh-uh,\" she said. \"Suicides are.\" I looked at her. \"Why?\" \"Anyone can be crazy,\" she answered. \"That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?”","author":"Michael Thomas Ford","tags":["anorexia","arsonist","arsonists","bulimia","crazy","depressed","depressives","drug","druggie","drugs","funny","humor","junkie","junkies","manic-depression","schizophrenia","schizophrenics","suicide"]}
{"quote":"“If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.”","author":"Shannon Hale,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["alibi","crazy","desire","funny","humor","husband","insane","justification","justify","love","murder","necessity","need","relationships","time","want","wife","woman","women","word-junkies","yearn"]}
{"quote":"“The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.”","author":"Cervantes Saavedra","tags":["classic","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny","henry-v","shakespeare"]}
{"quote":"“One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","bad-ass","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["funny","sophie","torin"]}
{"quote":"“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”","author":"Will Rogers","tags":["funny","humor","mean"]}
{"quote":"“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”","author":"Demetri Martin","tags":["comedians","demetri-martin","funny","games","helping-others","humor","shot","video-games"]}
{"quote":"“Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”","author":"erica jong","tags":["funny","men","truth","woman"]}
{"quote":"“Of course you know, this means war.”","author":"Joe Adamson,","tags":["funny","looney-toons","war"]}
{"quote":"“I mean, we're ninjas.\"\"Well maybe you're a ninja,\" I said\"You're just a really loud, awkward ninja,\" Margo said, \"but we are both ninjas.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["awkward","funny","ninjas"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this.\"My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["arrogant","bonus-points","daemon","embarrassing","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["demigod","funny","leo-valdez"]}
{"quote":"“What's that?\" he asked, when I stood beside him again.\"Halos,\" I said with a grin. \"For heavenly creatures like us.\"\"That might be a stretch.”","author":"Richelle mead,","tags":["dimitri","funny","rose"]}
{"quote":"“That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?\" Magnus pointed. \"It's awfully butch for a bookseller.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-ashes","funny","magnus-bane"]}
{"quote":"“Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","morally-deficant","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.”","author":"Ally Carter,","tags":["break","cia","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your seat if you're late.Lucas: I would probably just walk to my seat even slower. ;)”","author":"Tammara Webber,","tags":["funny","texting"]}
{"quote":"“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["focus","funny","humor","intense","intensity","love","make-love","men","not-romantic","relationships","reserve","romance","romantic","sex","sleep","sleeping","women","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["absurd","desire","flavor","food","funny","humor","love","love-quotes","meatloaf","wish","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["dinner","food","funny","honesty","humor","love","relationships","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["bronze","funny","humor","love","medal","silver-medal","value","word-junkies","worth","worthy"]}
{"quote":"“Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.”","author":"Steven Moffat","tags":["doctor-who","dr-who","funny","hitler","tardis"]}
{"quote":"“Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["daemon","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.”","author":"Mindy Kaling,","tags":["funny","life","romantic-comedy","science-fiction"]}
{"quote":"“If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.”","author":"Jon Stewart","tags":["ashcroft","civil-rights","funny","patriot-act"]}
{"quote":"“How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!”","author":"Cathy East Dubowski,","tags":["danger","eyeballs","funny","space"]}
{"quote":"“We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”","author":"H.L. Mencken,","tags":["funny","humor","joke","kids","respect","smart","wife"]}
{"quote":"“When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?”","author":"Maya Banks,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, \"He threw me out the window!\"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: \"You're already dead!”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["funny","humor","noah-czerny","ronan-lynch"]}
{"quote":"“To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["broken","deceit","deception","denial","deny","funny","honest","honesty","humor","illogical","illusion","lie","lie-detector","lies","life","love","machine","relationships","suspicion","women","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. \"Mercy Lynne, you're cheatin' again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.\"\"I'm itchin' ta have some a that white cake.\"\"That's not how you spell it.\" At least one of them could spell. Aunt Grace pulled one of the tiles off the board. \"There's no T in itchin'.\" Or not.”","author":"Margaret Stohl,","tags":["funny","scrabble"]}
{"quote":"“How very wet this water is.”","author":"L. Frank Baum,","tags":["funny","logic","obvious"]}
{"quote":"“You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!”","author":"John Green,","tags":["augustus-waters","funny","the-fault-in-our-stars"]}
{"quote":"“We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","leo-valdez"]}
{"quote":"“Thou mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!”","author":"William Shakespeare","tags":["funny","henry-iv","shakespeare"]}
{"quote":"“What are you\" -Mac \"I don't follow\" -Jericho \"You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you?\" -Mac \"A man with a rope.\" -Jericho”","author":"Karen Marie Moning,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I take a sip of my beer, and it's - I mean, it's just astonishingly disgusting. I don't think I was expecting it to taste like ice cream, but holy fucking hell. People lie and get fake IDs and sneak into bars, and for this? I honestly think I'd rather make out with Bieber. The dog. Or Justin.”","author":"Becky Albertalli,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.”","author":"Tina Fey,","tags":["funny","humor","whitney-houston"]}
{"quote":"“Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["awesome","funny","gleeson-hedge","the-lost-hero"]}
{"quote":"“The clock struck eleven and cat the vampire huntress was on the loose, except my battle armor was a push-up bra, curled hair, and a short dress. Yeah, it was a dirty job, but I was going to do it. Come one, come all, bloodsuckers! Bar’s open!”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What did Isabelle want?\" Jace asked.Alec hesitated. \"Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.\"\"Sure,\" said Magnus. \"And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour.\"Alec looked puzzled. \"Who's Madonna?\"\"Who's the Queen of the Seelie Court?\" said Clary.\"She is the Queen of Faerie,\" said Magnus. \"Well, the local one, anyway.\"Jace put his head in his hands. \"Tell Isabelle no.\"\"But she thinks it's a good idea,\" Alec protested.\"Then tell her no twice.”","author":"Cassandra Clare","tags":["faeries","funny","madonna","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”","author":"Karl Lagerfeld","tags":["chanel","designer","down-to-earth","earth","fashion","funny","humor","karl-lagerfeld","label","labeling","quote","quotes"]}
{"quote":"“La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["carlos","carlos-fuentes","funny","perfect-chemistry","rules-of-attraction","simone-elkeles","tuck"]}
{"quote":"“Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","humor","leo-i-love-you-ok","lol","trust"]}
{"quote":"“Whatever would give you the idea that I'm her damn brother?”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","cat","funny","timmy"]}
{"quote":"“Tris,\" he says. \"What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic.\"\"That's not very nice of you to say,\" I say. \"They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just relax-”","author":"Veronica Roth,","tags":["beatrice-prior","four","funny","insurgent","tobias-and-tris","tobias-eaton","tris","veronica-roth"]}
{"quote":"“Daemon!\" Dee called from the kitchen. \"I need your help!\"\"We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen.\" He rubbed his hands down his face. \"It's possible.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["daemon","dee","disaster","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“If I looked like him,” Tara said. “I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.\"Don't,\" said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.\"What if there's a crisis at school?\" I asked. \"What if Angeline 'accidentally' stole one of the campus buses and drove it into the library?\"\"Why would she do that?\"\"Are you saying she wouldn't?\"He sighed. \"Go check it.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","angeline-dawes","bloodlines-series","funny","love","richelle-mead","sydney-sage","sydrian","the-fiery-heart"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.”","author":"Samuel Beckett,","tags":["beckett","endgame","funny","unhappiness-nothing"]}
{"quote":"“Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?\" Julian was saying as Emma approached. \"I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","humor","shadowhunters"]}
{"quote":"“So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?\"Alec gave him a very unpleasant look. \"What's true?\"\"Alexander,\" said Magnus coldly, and Clary met Simon's eyes across the table. Hers were wide, green, and full of an expression that said Uh-oh. \"You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me.\"Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. \"And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.\"\"Hey, now,\" said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands. \"Or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways, Is there anything you aren't into?\"\"Mermaids,\" said Magnus into his fingers. \"They always smell like seaweed.\"\"It's not funny,\" Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["alec-lightwood","cassandra-clare","city-of-fallen-angels","clary-fray","funny","humor","jealousy","jordan-kyle","magnus-bane","mermaids","not-funny","simon-lewis","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.”","author":"Stephen Chbosky,","tags":["friday","funny","reading","television"]}
{"quote":"“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.”","author":"Steve Martin","tags":["criticize","empathy","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ”","author":"Samuel Johnson","tags":["cynical","funny","humour","review"]}
{"quote":"“Did those nice church ladies come by again?\" He nodded. \"I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["andrea","ascanio","awesome","church","funny","hilarious","kate-daniels","threesome"]}
{"quote":"“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“You're very welcome,\" she said, giving my hair a hard tug. \"You should be used to being gawked at by now.\"\"And yet I'm not.\"\"Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal, and I'll get up on the banquet table, toss my skirt over my head, and do a little dance. That way no one will be looking at you.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["andrea-nash","funny","gandalf","gunmetal-magic","ilona-andrews","lotr","roman","snarkiness"]}
{"quote":"“The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.”","author":"Peter S. Beagle,","tags":["funny","humor","unicorn"]}
{"quote":"“I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)”","author":"Susan Elizabeth Phillips,","tags":["cute","funny"]}
{"quote":"“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”","author":"Stephen Hawking","tags":["celebrity","disability","disguise","funny","humor","science"]}
{"quote":"“When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he sighed.The Enemy of Old fucking sighed.Dear gods, it’d finally happened to him.Happiness.Then his own fangs sharpened.I will kill anyone who tries to take this feeling away from me.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["elizabeth","funny","happiness","immortals-after-dark","kresley-cole","lothaire"]}
{"quote":"“I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?”","author":"Rainbow Rowell,","tags":["funny","phone-calls","young-adult"]}
{"quote":"“I may not have been completely honest about that.\"\"You? Less than truthful? I'm shocked, Nikolai. Shocked and horrified.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina","funny","nikolai"]}
{"quote":"“Would you like to borrow a pair of my panties to wave around at the next Council meeting to get the point across?”His eyes flashed. “Got any to spare?” I could’ve picked somebody rational. But no, I had to fall in love with this arrogant idiot. Come to the Keep with me, be my princess. Mourn me when your crazy dad kills me. Yeah, right.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["curran","funny","kate","love"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!”","author":"Haruki Murakami,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You might not believe this, but there is no one  like her at this school.\"\"Oh I believe it,\" I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker's combination and tried to get into it with an axe.No one was really sure where she'd gotten it from.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["amberwood-prepatory","angeline-dawes","bloodlines-series","dhampirs","funny","humor","lockers","richelle-mead","schol","sydney-sage","the-fiery-heart","trey-juarez"]}
{"quote":"“Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","cat","funny","timmy"]}
{"quote":"“I have no doubt that you are more than capable of bringing the Monsean queen and my son and the rest of my sons and a hundred Nanderan kittens through an onslaught of howling raiders if you chose to.”","author":"Kristin Cashore,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Agreed,\" I say. \"It's going to be a long hour.\"\"Maybe not that long,\" says Peeta.\" what was that you were saying just before the food arrived? Something about me ... no competition ... best thing that ever happened to you ... \"\" I don't remember that last part,\" I say, hoping it's too dim in here for the cameras to pick up my blush.\" Oh, that's right. That's what I was thinking,\" he says \" Scoot over, I'm freezing.”","author":"Suzanne Collins,","tags":["action","funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?”","author":"Bill Maher","tags":["ex","exes","facebook","funny","humor","internet"]}
{"quote":"“Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.”I shook out my sore hand. My knuckles smarted. “First of all, are we so sure he really is a prince? And second, you’re just jealous.”“Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina-starkov","funny","jealousy","malyen-oretsev"]}
{"quote":"“Wait a second,\" Clary said.\"I never understand why people say that,\" Luke said, to no one in particular. \"I wasn't going anywhere.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-bones","clary-fray","funny","luke-garroway","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I'm no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I'm pretty sure that's flirting.”","author":"Ransom Riggs,","tags":["children","funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky.”","author":"Laini Taylor,","tags":["funny","samurai","zuzana"]}
{"quote":"“I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I don't know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way.”","author":"Cynthia Hand,","tags":["funny","stalker","twilight"]}
{"quote":"“Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.”","author":"Rachel Caine","tags":["funny","morganville-vampires","shane-collins"]}
{"quote":"“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”","author":"Zsa Zsa Gabor","tags":["funny","humor","men","relationships"]}
{"quote":"“They call me, The Sharkalator”","author":"James Patterson","tags":["boasting","funny","gazzy","maximum-ride","name-calling","nicknames","sobriquet"]}
{"quote":"“She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["archer","archer-cross","funny","hex-hall","humor","mercer","rachel-hawkins","sophie","spell-bound"]}
{"quote":"“Dogs have their day but cats have 365.”","author":"Lilian Jackson Braun,","tags":["cats","dogs","funny"]}
{"quote":"“The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.”","author":"Flannery O'Connor,","tags":["funny","parkers-back"]}
{"quote":"“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”","author":"Sam Levenson","tags":["death","die","elevator","funny","heaven","humor","sam-levenson"]}
{"quote":"“The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.”","author":"Galileo Galilei","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Married?\" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. \"We're not getting married.\"He snorted at that. \"I may have let you have your naughty little way with me for the past couple of months, but that doesn't mean I'm going to allow you to keep treating me like some dirty little boy toy. If you want to live with me then I expect you to put a ring on my finger,\" he said, holding up his left hand and wiggling his ring finger to punctuate his words.”","author":"R.L. Mathewson,","tags":["funny","proposal"]}
{"quote":"“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”","author":"Groucho Marx","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“In Lucy's eyes, a penis that doesn't grow, is a very ungrateful penis.”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","humourous","sexy","uck-it-list"]}
{"quote":"“Simon!\" Clary shouted, and seized his arm. \"What?\" Simon looked alarmed.\"I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["clary-fray","funny","mortal-instruments","simon-lewis"]}
{"quote":"“You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","percy-jackson","puke"]}
{"quote":"“Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?''''Yes...''''I caught her staring at my lighter.''I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?''His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.''''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled.''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["funny","love","noah-shaw","pain","quotes","romance"]}
{"quote":"“The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above Jace. He was grinning. \"Nice,\" he said. \"As graceful as a falling snowflake.\"\"Was I screaming?\" She asked, genuinely curious. \"You know, on the way down.\"He nodded. \"Thankfully no one's home, or they would have assumed I was murdering you.\"\"Ha. You can't even reach me.\" She kicked out a leg and spun lazily in midair. Jace's eyes glinted. \"Want to bet?\"Clary knew that expression. \"No,\" she said quickly. \"Whatever you're going to do-\"But he'd already done it. When Jace moved fast, his individual movements were almost invisible. She saw his hand go to his belt, and then something flashed in the air. She heard the sound of parting fabric as the cord above her head was sheared through. Released, she fell freely, too surprised to scream- directly into Jace's arms. The force knocked him backward, and they sprawled together onto one of the padded floor mats, Clary on top of him. He grinned up at her.\"Now,\" he said, \"that was much better. You didn't scream at all.\"\"I didn't get the chance.\" She was breathless, and not just from the impact of the fall. Being sprawled on top of Jace, feeling his body against hers, made her hands shake and her heart beat faster.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-fallen-angels","clary-fray","funny","humor","jace-wayland","love","romance","sweet","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“Why are you wearing a T-shirt under your other T-shirt?\" Livvy asked.\"In case one of them is stolen,\" Marked said, as it were entirely normal.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","mark-blackthorn"]}
{"quote":"“I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["child","children","contagious","contagiousness","funny","humor","innocence","innocent","kid","kids","kids-funny","laugh","laughing","laughter","mischief","mischievous","rascal","suspicion","suspicious","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”“Braden’s.”","author":"Samantha Young,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Who says you can’t be cute and kick ass at the same time?” Kenji winks at me. “I do it every day.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["funny","kenji"]}
{"quote":"“She felt one thousand years old. She also felt like maybe she was a condescending brat. She wanted her bike. She wanted her friends, who were also one-thousand-year-old condescending brats. She wanted to live in a world where she was surrounded by one-thousand-year-old condescending brats.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["blue-sargent","funny","the-raven-king"]}
{"quote":"“How are you feeling?\"I leaned away from him. \"Gross.\"Aiden frowned. \"Gross?\"\"I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me.\"He laughed. \"Alex, come on.\"\"Seriously, I'm gross.\" I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. \"You're as beautiful as always, Alex.\"I stared at him. He must not get out much.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["aiden","alex","funny","humor","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny","insult","poem"]}
{"quote":"“She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","humor","morganville-vampires","shane-collins","tacos"]}
{"quote":"“It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.”","author":"Philip K. Dick","tags":["comedy","funny","interview","tragedy"]}
{"quote":"“Normal? I'm not normal enough for you?\" Carlos says. \"You want this guy instead? Did you notice his hair doesn't move? That's not normal. You want to date him again, go ahead. Hell, if you want to marry him and be Kiara Barra the rest of your life, be my guest.\"\"That's not want I--\"\"I don't want to hear it. Hasta,\" Carlos says, ignoring me and walking away.I feel my face heat in embarrassment as I look at Michael. \"Sorry. Carlos can he abrasive sometimes.\"\"Don't apologize. The guy obviously has major issues and, for the record, my hair moves... when I want it to.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["funny","rules-of-attraction"]}
{"quote":"“I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.”","author":"Neil Gaiman,","tags":["funny","gravity"]}
{"quote":"“Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.”","author":"Anthony Horowitz,","tags":["different","funny","humor","incentive","inspirational","interesting","killing","kind"]}
{"quote":"“Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.\"\"The plant war,\" Percy said. \"You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","grapes","humor","riffles","war"]}
{"quote":"“Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'Stark~ 'Deal.'Zoey~ 'Deal.”","author":"P.C. Cast &Kristin Cast,","tags":["funny","stark","zoey"]}
{"quote":"“My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Whatever it is,\" I said, \"the point is moot because as long as I'm on these pills, I can't make contact to ask.\"Derek ... snapped, \"Then you need to stop taking the pills.\"Love to. If I could. But after what happened last night, they're giving me urine tests now.\"Ugh. That's harsh.\" Simon went quiet, then snapped his fingers.Hey, I've got an idea. It's kinda gross, but what if you take the pills, crush them and mix them with your, you know, urine.\"Derek stared at him.What?\"You did pass chem last year, didn't you?\"Simon flipped him the finger. \"Okay, genius, what's your idea?\"I'll think about it. ...\"***Here,\" Derek whispered, pressing an empty Mason jar into my hand. He'd pulled me aside after class and we were now standing at the base of the boy's staircase. \"Take this up to your room and hide it.\"It's a ... jar.\"He grunted, exasperated that I was so dense I failed to see the critical importance of hiding an empty Mason jar in my room.It's for your urine.\"My what?\"He rolled his eyes, a growl-like sound sliding through his teeth ashe leaned down, closer to my ear. \"Urine. Pee. Whatever. For the testing.\"I lifted the jar to eye level. \"I think they'll give me somethingsmaller.\"...You took your meds today, right?\" he whispered.I nodded.Then use this jar to save it.\"Save . . . ?\"Your urine. If you give them some of today's tomorrow, it'll seem like you're still taking your meds.\"You want me to . . . dole it out? Into specimen jars?\"Got a better idea?\"Um, no, but ...\" I lifted the jar and stared into it.Oh, for God's sake. Save your piss. Don't save your piss. It's all the same to me.\"Simon peeked around the corner, brows lifted. \"I was going to ask what you guys were doing, but hearing that, I think I'll pass.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Don't look now, but that's my ex over there.\"Surely I'm not the only one who takes \"don't look now\" as \"there's no better time than now.\" I looked.\"Bad, Ali!\" Another slap to my arm. \"Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control?”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["alice","ex","funny","rabbit"]}
{"quote":"“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.”","author":"Will Rogers","tags":["funny","humor","media"]}
{"quote":"“The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.”","author":"Frederic Brown","tags":["funny","horror"]}
{"quote":"“Anthony Bridgerton leaned back in his leather chair,and then announced, \"I'm thinking about getting married.\"Benedict Bridgerton, who had been indulging in a habit his mother detested—tipping his chair drunkenly on the back two legs—fell over.Colin Bridgerton started to choke.Luckily for Colin, Benedict regained his seat with enough time to smack him soundly on the back, sending a green olive sailing across the table.It narrowly missed Anthony's ear.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["bridgerton","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Kaz reached into his coat pocket. \"Here,\" he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover.\"Are we going to read to each other?\"\"Just flip it open to the back.\"Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. \"So?\"\"Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face.\"\"My face has character. Besides - oh!\"\"An excellent read, isn't it?\"\"Who knew I had a taste for literature?”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["bardugo","book","comedy","funny","humour","jesper","kaz-brekker","leigh-bardugo","read","six-of-crows"]}
{"quote":"“Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["dreams-of-a-dark-warrior","funny","gollum","humor","kresley-cole","regin"]}
{"quote":"“I snuck a look to see how Eric was taking this, and he was staring at me the same way the Monroe vampires had. Thoughtful. Hungry.\"That's interesting,\" he said. \"I had a psychic once. It was incredible.\"\"Did the psychic think so?”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["funny","sookie-eric"]}
{"quote":"“You have no finesse,” a gambler at the Silver Garter once said to him. “No technique.”“Sure I do,” Kaz had responded. “I practice the art of ‘pull his shirt over his head and punch till you see blood.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["blood","finesse","funny","gambling"]}
{"quote":"“You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is  wrong  with you?”","author":"Meg Cabot,","tags":["explosions","funny","jess-mastriani","relationships","rob-wilkins","when-lightning-strikes"]}
{"quote":"“Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.”","author":"John Callahan","tags":["funny","humor","sex","simile"]}
{"quote":"“I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.”","author":"Jon Stewart","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”","author":"George Carlin","tags":["compassion","funny","humor","peace"]}
{"quote":"“I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?”","author":"Eoin Colfer,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["frostbite","funny","richelle-mead","rose"]}
{"quote":"“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not \"we love each other\", it's just \"fuck it, man.”","author":"Louis C.K.","tags":["attitude","comedian","comedy","family","fuck-it","funny","honest","honesty","joke","jokes","life","louie","lucky-louie","quote","stand-up"]}
{"quote":"“Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["frostbite","funny","richelle-mead","rose"]}
{"quote":"“Gundar seemed to come to a decision. \"Well, as my old mam used to say, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck.\" \"Very wise,\" Halt said. \"And what exactly do your mother's words of wisdom have to do with this situation?\" Gundar shrugged. \"It looks like a channel. It's the right place for a channel. If I were digging one, this is where I'd dig a channel. So. . .\" \"So it's probably the channel?\" Selethen said. Gundar grinned at him. \"Either that or it's a duck.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny","rangers-apprentice","sayings"]}
{"quote":"“If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["dark-humor","funny","reaper-man","unseen-university","vetinari"]}
{"quote":"“You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working.\" Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.\"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!\" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. \"I mean it!”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","myrnin","rachel-caine","the-morganville-vampires","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?\" \"Like what?\"\"Like hitting on you.\"\"Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way.\" Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.\"What? You think he does?\"\"Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.\"\"Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?\"\"Not enough coffee.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer. It's a freaking soap opera.”","author":"Stephanie Perkins,","tags":["anna-and-the-french-kiss","funny","isla"]}
{"quote":"“Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here.\"To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. \"You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.\"\"We'll see.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["arrogant","daemon","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“Raffin appeared again, a floor above her, on the balconied passageway that ran past his workrooms. He leaned over the railing and called down to her. \"Kat!\"\"What is it?\"\"You look lost . Have you forgotten the way to your rooms?\"\"I'm stalling.\"\"How long will you be? I'd like to show you a couple of my new discoveries.\"\"I've been told to make myself pretty for dinner.\"He grinned. \"Well in that case, you'll be ages.\"His face dissolved into laughter, and she tore a button from one of her bags an hurled it at him. He squealed and dropped to the floor, and the button hit the wall right where he'd been standing. When he peeked back over the railing, she stood in the courtyard with her hands on her hips, grinning. \"I missed on purpose,\" she said.\"Show off! Come if you have time.\" He waved, and turned into his rooms.”","author":"Kristin cashore,","tags":["funny","graceling","kristin-cashore","ya"]}
{"quote":"“মিথ্যা হলো শয়তানের বিয়ের মন্ত্র। মিথ্যা বললেই শয়তানের বিয়ে হয়। বিয়ে হওয়া মানেই সন্তান-সন্ততি হওয়া। একটা মিথ্যার পর আরো অনেকগুলি মিথ্যা বলতে হয় এই কারণেই।পরের মিথ্যাগুলি শয়তানের সন্তান।”","author":"Humayun Ahmed,","tags":["funny","lie","satan"]}
{"quote":"“Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","morganville-vampires","shane-collins"]}
{"quote":"“To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans”","author":"Zoë Marriott,","tags":["clever","cool","cute","funny","humor-inspirational","humorous","inspirational","self-image","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry,\" Archer offered.”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["archer","funny","sophie"]}
{"quote":"“What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?”","author":"Kiersten White,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked...\"Go ahead,\" Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.”","author":"James Dashner,","tags":["clever","comical","funny","hilarious","ironic","irony","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane”","author":"J.R. Ward,","tags":["funny","humor","insane-in-the-membrane"]}
{"quote":"“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”","author":"Lili St. Crow","tags":["funny","funny-as-hell","funny-quotes","funny-stuff","humor","humor-work","humorous","humour","wisdom","writer","writers-block","writers-on-writing","writing","writing-philosophy"]}
{"quote":"“I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.”","author":"Lady Gaga","tags":["epic","funny","gaga","germanotta","hilarious","interview","lady","lady-gaga","love-game","music","stefani","video"]}
{"quote":"“The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny","meaning-of-life"]}
{"quote":"“A pause followed my greeting. Then “We’re watching you ” whispered the voice on the other end.“Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? ”Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.”","author":"Josh Lanyon,","tags":["adrien-english","funny","witty"]}
{"quote":"“People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous","ironic","irony"]}
{"quote":"“Are you in a suit?\" I managed at last, my voice choking up. \"You didn’t have to dress up for me.\"\"Quiet, Sage,\" he said. \"I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","book-quote","funny","quote","sydney-sage","sydrian"]}
{"quote":"“And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play \"you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["funny","rules-of-attraction"]}
{"quote":"“Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["boredom","crazy","funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.”","author":"Kirstie Alley","tags":["chance","chances","close","comedic","eternity","existance","forever","funny","go","hard","heart","know","knowledge","life","love","minute","never","open","purpose","time","try"]}
{"quote":"“I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.”","author":"Katie McGarry,","tags":["echo-emerson","funny","karma","katie-mcgarry","pushing-the-limits"]}
{"quote":"“I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["aaron-warner","funny","humor","kenji-kishimoto"]}
{"quote":"“Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch”","author":"Keisha Keenleyside","tags":["amusing","anger","funny","happy","humor","humour","inspirational","malediction","revenge","strife"]}
{"quote":"“When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!”","author":"Louis Tomlinson,","tags":["1d","dare","dream","forever","funny","louis-tomlinson","one-direction","pretty","smile","to"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“What did you tell them?”“I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player.”Derek emitted a strangled cough.“Why?” I demanded.“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Curran resumed hammering.“I'm sorry,” I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. “His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit.”On the roof Derek was laughing his head off.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["curran","derek","funny","kate-daniels","roof"]}
{"quote":"“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["ellen","funny","indeed","wonder"]}
{"quote":"“This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.”","author":"Susan Elizabeth Phillips,","tags":["america","arrogant","call-me-irresistible","funny","humour","sep","texas"]}
{"quote":"“I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.”","author":"C.J. Redwine,","tags":["feminist","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","i-just-lost-it","omg-leo"]}
{"quote":"“Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. \"You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you,\" he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. \"Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead.\"Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“You okay?\"\"Fine.\"\"Your heart's beating really fast.\"\"Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it.\"He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff.\"Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.\"\"You sound like Shane.\"\"Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.\"\"Liar.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.”","author":"Cassandra Rose Clarke,","tags":["ananna","funny","leila"]}
{"quote":"“Legion hissed like a startled cat, the noise scraping at Reyes’s skin. “Me no boy. You think me a boy?”Everyone stopped, stared. Even Aeron.Reyes was the first to find his voice. “You’re a…girl?”A nod. “Me pretty.”“Yes, you are.” Reyes exchanged a glance with Lucien. “Beautiful.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["aeron","demon","funny","legion","minion","reyes"]}
{"quote":"“You knocked the door down.\" Disbelief rang in his matter-of-fact tone. \"I know,\" she answered,unable to say anything else. Unable to look away from his body.\"But it's solid oak.\"\"I know.\" She felt the solid oak beneath her and a little shocked that she'd done it, too. If it mattered at all, her shoulder felt a little bruised. And it was the slight pain that brought some reality back into the moment. \"You don't have any clothes on.\" Oh, God, did she really say that?”","author":"C.C. Hunter,","tags":["derek","funny","kylie","shadow-falls"]}
{"quote":"“She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.\"\"Define BETTER with that guy.\"\"Not all fangs and raaaaar.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. \"You're so hot,\" I said, my hand still on his leg. \"I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish,\" he answered, still kissing me. I laughed.\"I have an Augustus Waters fetish,\" I explained.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["augustus-waters","funny","hazel-grace-lancaster"]}
{"quote":"“Me neither,” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["amelie","funny","language","morganville-vampires","shane-collins"]}
{"quote":"“Mal snickered. \"What's so funny?\"\"I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina","funny","mal"]}
{"quote":"“It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling \"Ordering a pizza?\" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back \"Yeah. You want pepperoni?\"-Maximum Ride”","author":"James Patterson,","tags":["funny","max"]}
{"quote":"“Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["alice-in-zombieland","funny","zombies"]}
{"quote":"“She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["funny","humor","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“This cat is looking at me with judgment.”“He’s not,” said Jules. “That’s just his face.”“You look at me the same way,” Mark said, glancing at Julian. “Judgy face.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["church","church-the-cat","emma-carstairs","funny","james-carstairs","jem-carstairs","jemma","judgment","jules-blackthorn","julian-blackthorn","lady-midnight","mark-blackthorn","tda","the-dark-artifices"]}
{"quote":"“I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for “menacing.” I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.“What?”“Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied.”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. \"You're in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren't in love. You know, the sane ones.”","author":"Claudia Gray,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.”","author":"Amit Kalantri","tags":["apologies","apologize","apology","fun","funny","funny-quotes","human","humans","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","mistake","mistakes","motivation","motivational","motivational-quotes","philosophy","repeat-mistakes","wisdom","wisdom-quotes","wit","witty","witty-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.”","author":"Shannon L. Alder","tags":["absurd","absurdity","authors","best-plot-ever","betrayal","books","comedy","craft","crazy","dreamers","funnier-than-hell","funny","humor","insanity","novels","romance-authors","romantic-comedy","screenplays","stupid-women","television","unbelievable","weirdness","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Idiot.”“That fact is well established and adds nothing to the plot.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["funny","idiots"]}
{"quote":"“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.”","author":"Stephenie Meyer,","tags":["bella-swan","funny","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. \"You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!\" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, \"Tink is freeeeee!\"Ren looked at me. \"What the actual f**k?\"I sighed. \"He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry.\"Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. \"There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter.\"\"You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?\" I said.\"S**t.\" Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","harry-potter","humor","ren","tink","wicked"]}
{"quote":"“Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.”","author":"Jim Butcher,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”","author":"Hedy Lamarr","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It’s always been this way. There were rumors about me even before I was born. It’s why my mother never calls me Sobachka. She says it makes me sound like a mongrel.”My heart gave a little pang at that. I’d been called plenty of names growing up.“I like mongrels,” I said. “They have cute floppy ears.”“My ears are very dignified.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina-starkov","feels","funny","nikolai-lantsov"]}
{"quote":"“Huh, another queen,” Puck mused, an evil grin crossing his face. “Maybe we should drop in and introduce ourselves, ice-boy. Do the whole, hey, we were just in the neighborhood, and we were just wondering if you had any plans to take over the Nevernever. Have a fruit basket.”","author":"Julie Kagawa,","tags":["funny","puck","robin-goodfellow"]}
{"quote":"“Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.”","author":"Stephen Fry,","tags":["funny","greek","humor","humour","language","myth","mythology","myths","pronounciation"]}
{"quote":"“When a window is opened up from the inside for you to climb through, then that window isn't there to be climbed through by you”","author":"jimmy tudeski,","tags":["funny","humor-and-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","funny","miss-manners","polyamory","sex"]}
{"quote":"“Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["city-of-ashes","funny","isabelle"]}
{"quote":"“Here,\" Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. \"Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone.\" He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. \"I'll be your hands.\"She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on.”Calla raised a brow. “You do not think Master Kell knows how?”","author":"V.E. Schwab,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, \"Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","harry-potter","sirius-black"]}
{"quote":"“Isn’t it so weird how the number of dead people is increasing even though the earth stays the same size, so that one day there isn’t going to be room to bury anyone anymore? For my ninth birthday last year, Grandma gave me a subscription to National Geographic, which she calls “the National Geographic.” She also gave me a white blazer, because I only wear white clothes, and it’s too big to wear so it will last me a long time. She also gave me Grandpa’s camera, which I loved for two reasons. I asked why he didn’t take it with him when he left her. She said, “Maybe he wanted you to have it.” I said, “But I was negative-thirty years old.” She said, “Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn’t, because there aren’t enough skulls!”","author":"Jonathan Safran Foer","tags":["dead","funny","weird"]}
{"quote":"“She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["declan","funny","medicine","rose"]}
{"quote":"“Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","hot","leo-valdez","nymphs","scrawny"]}
{"quote":"“It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!”","author":"PewDiePie","tags":["funny","gay","life"]}
{"quote":"“This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["frostbite","funny","richelle-mead","rose"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.”","author":"George Eliot,","tags":["funny","human-nature"]}
{"quote":"“I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["funny","vlad"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["fanstastic","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny","kaylee"]}
{"quote":"“The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["cool","fantasy","fiction","funny","intense"]}
{"quote":"“Otis,\" I said.\"Shhh,\" he said. \"I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.\"\"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay.\"Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humorous","humorous-quoations","humorous-quotes","humour"]}
{"quote":"“girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou.”","author":"Charles Bukowski,","tags":["boring","bukowski","death","dull","funny","girls","hell","irony","life","love","misogyny","poem","poetry","rejection","sexuality","women"]}
{"quote":"“No,” he muttered, running a hand through his copper hair. “No. No. There are dozens.”“Kell?” she asked, moving to touch his arm.He shook her off. “Dozens of ships, Lila! And you had to climb aboard his.”“I’m sorry,” she shot back, bristling, “I was under the impression that I was free to do as I pleased.”“To be fair,” added Alucard, “I think she was planning to steal it and slit my throat.”“Then why didn’t you?” snarled Kell, spinning on her. “You’re always so eager to slash and stab, why couldn’t you have stabbed him?”","author":"V.E. Schwab,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.''Girls don't shave', Arya said.'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?”","author":"George R.R. Martin,","tags":["a-game-of-thrones","a-song-of-ice-and-fire","arya-stark","cutting","funny","george-r-r-martin","jon-snow","sharp","shave","sword"]}
{"quote":"“I had an uneventful few days,\" it told her. \"The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think.\"\"No, they won't,\" Valkyrie said, frowning. \"They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them.\"\"That's what I told him,\" the reflection nodded. \"I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college.\"Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. \"What did you say?\"\"I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","humour","reflection"]}
{"quote":"“I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.”","author":"Dan Howell","tags":["funny","humor","intimidation","random"]}
{"quote":"“I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["double-standard","fairness","fairness-of-life","funny","humor","humor-relationships","independence","jerk","life","men","pigs","relationships","unfairness","unfairness-of-life","women"]}
{"quote":"“My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["funny","michelle-hodkin","the-unbecoming-of-mara-dyer"]}
{"quote":"“Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?” “Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.”","author":"Kylie Scott,","tags":["funny","humor","mal","play","stage-dive"]}
{"quote":"“The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["bigger-picture","cookie","cute","faithfulness","figurative","foreknowledge","funny","god","hard-work","humility","humor","impatience","knowledge","literal","metaphor","misunderstanding","obedience","omniscience","patience","prayer","praying","prudence","time","timing","understanding","waiting","work"]}
{"quote":"“You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.”","author":"Cynthia Hand,","tags":["extreme-sports","funny","humor","jeffery-gardner","mothers-and-sons","unusual-mother"]}
{"quote":"“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.”","author":"Mark Twain","tags":["cynical","funny","humour","review"]}
{"quote":"“America used to live by the motto \"Father Knows Best.\" Now we're lucky if \"Father Knows He Has Children.\" We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”","author":"Stephen Colbert,","tags":["babies","children","fathers","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.”“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","hazel-levesque","leo-valdez","lol"]}
{"quote":"“Oliver laughed - actually laughed.\"I like this new Claire,\" he said. \"You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright.\"Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","oliver","rachel-caine","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Emergency Valve Regulators,\" she repeated. \"So you do know what your doing?\"Not really,\" he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["cool","funny","humour","wires"]}
{"quote":"“Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that I’m…” he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. “Mormon,” he whispers.”","author":"Colleen Hoover,","tags":["fashion","funny","gay","mormon","teenager"]}
{"quote":"“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.”I smile, a little. “You said effing,” I say. “You actually said the word effing.”","author":"Patrick Ness,","tags":["effing","funny","todd","viola"]}
{"quote":"“*Appendix usually means \"small outgrowth from large intestine,\" but in this case it means \"additional information accompanying main text.\" Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.”","author":"Pseudonymous Bosch,","tags":["appendix","boch","funny","humor","pseudonymous"]}
{"quote":"“If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["carter-kane","destruction","earthquakes","floods","funny","funny-and-random","giant-snake","humour","ra","rebellious","riordan","riots","sadie-kane","serpent","snake","sun","survive","tornado","tsunamis"]}
{"quote":"“I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck”","author":"Kiersten White,","tags":["evie","funny","kiersten-white","paranormalcy"]}
{"quote":"“Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. \"I doubt you have the capacity.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“No headboards were broken.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny","humor","twilight"]}
{"quote":"“Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: \"This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?\"NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) \"No. You'll fuck it up and die.\"So I took it apart.”","author":"Andy Weir,","tags":["funny","humor","science"]}
{"quote":"“I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.”","author":"David Sedaris,","tags":["funny","hate","sensitive"]}
{"quote":"“June laughs. \"I have to say, you look better than most people I see. I've heard a lot about you.\"\"I hear about you a lot too,\" Eden replies in a rush, \"mostly from Daniel. He thinks you're really hot.”","author":"Marie Lu,","tags":["champion","day","eden","funny","june-iparis","laugh-out-loud"]}
{"quote":"“Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.”","author":"Lemony Snicket","tags":["funny","humor","lemony-snicket"]}
{"quote":"“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","language"]}
{"quote":"“...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress. ”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","cat","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Thou art a very ragged Wart.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny","henry-iv","shakespeare"]}
{"quote":"“Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.”","author":"Cynthia Hand,","tags":["bozo","cynthia-hand","funny","unearthly"]}
{"quote":"“It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.”","author":"Francine Pascal,","tags":["bleeding","cool","ed-fargo","fearless","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.”","author":"Graham Parke,","tags":["breakdown","funny","humor","mental","philosophy","quirky"]}
{"quote":"“I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.”","author":"John Green","tags":["funny","internet","nerdfighteria","nerdfighters","social-media","tumblr","vlogbrothers","youtube"]}
{"quote":"“How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny","restlessness"]}
{"quote":"“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.”","author":"Maria V. Snyder,","tags":["allure","funny","uniform"]}
{"quote":"“Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["funny","humor","kate"]}
{"quote":"“I rolled my eyes. “I feel like a zoo animal.”Travis watched me for a moment, noted those staring, and then stood up. “I CAN’T!” he yelled. I stared in awe as the entire room jerked their heads in his direction. Travis bobbed his head a couple of times to a beat in his head.Shepley closed his eyes. “Oh, no.”Travis smiled. “get no….sa…tis…faction,” he sang, “I can’t get no….sat-is-fac-tion. ‘Cuz I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…,” he climbed onto the table as everyone stared, “I CAN’T GET NO!”He pointed to the football players at the end of the table and they smiled, “I CAN’T GET NO!” they yelled in unison. The whole room clapped to the beat, then.Travis’ sang into his fist, “When I’m drivin’ in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he’s tellin’ me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN’T GET NO!”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["funny","laine-s-fave","lovedit"]}
{"quote":"“Miss Vida\" Liam said \"has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?\"She glared at him.\"Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?\"\"That is physically impossible,\" Chubs groused.\"He'd be__\"\"Actually Liam began, \"Cole once did try to__ What?\"\"Oh,I'm sorry,\" Chubs said, \"apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue.”","author":"Alexandra Bracken,","tags":["chubs","funny","humer","liam","vida"]}
{"quote":"“A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.”","author":"Roger Zelazny,","tags":["agnostic","agnosticism","bureaucracy","funny","humor","mythology","parody","prayer","religion"]}
{"quote":"“Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["death","funny","game","humor","life","love","murder","relationships","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!”","author":"Ransom Riggs,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","idealism"]}
{"quote":"“What?\" she asked again.He pointed ahead of them. \"See that?\"\"What, the snow?\"\"Beyond that.\"\"More snow?\"\"Stop looking at the snow.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","humour","snow","yeti"]}
{"quote":"“You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai, taking the box. “How disappointing.”","author":"Marissa Meyer,","tags":["funny","kai"]}
{"quote":"“Shh.\" I squeeze his hand. His palm feels clammy. \"We have to keep it down, okay? We don't want my dad coming in.\"He grits his teeth against more shivers. \"Always knew I'd end up in your bed . . . and hear you say those words one day.\" He manages a smirk.Jeb snarls. \"Unbelievable. Even when he's at death's door he's a tool.\" He arranges a pillow beneath Morpheus's neck. \"Why don't you keep your mouth shut while we help you.\"Morpheus laughs weakly, his skin flashing with blue light. \"What say Alyssa\"--his breath rattles--\"give my mouth something else to do?”","author":"A.G. Howard,","tags":["alyssa","funny","jeb","morpheus"]}
{"quote":"“So,” sneered Fudge, recovering himself, “you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?”“Merlin’s beard, no,” said Dumbledore, smiling. “Not unless you are foolish enough to force me to.”“He will not be single-handed!” said Professor McGonagall loudly, plunging her hand inside her robes.“Oh yes he will, Minerva!” said Dumbledore sharply. “Hogwarts needs you!”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["dumbedore","fudge","funny","mcgonagall","third-person"]}
{"quote":"“Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?”","author":"P.C. Cast","tags":["fun","funny","humor","marked"]}
{"quote":"“Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding”","author":"Jesse Andrews,","tags":["funny","girls","humor"]}
{"quote":"“There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of her tower for someone to ride up and rescue her. Not that traditional princess behavior was like Isabelle at all. Isabelle with her whip and boots and knives would chop anyone who tried to pen her up in a tower into pieces, build a bridge out of the remains, and walk carelessly to freedom, her hair looking fabulous the entire time.”","author":"Cassandra Clare","tags":["city-of-ashes","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“He’s not that smart.”“She’s right,” Augustus says. “It’s just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations.”“Right, it’s primarily his hotness.”“It can be sort of blinding,” he said.“It actually did blind our friend Isaac.”“Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?”“You cannot.”“It is my burden, this beautiful face.”“Not to mention your body.”“Seriously, don’t even get me started on my hot bod. You don’t want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace’s breath away,” he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["cute","funny","tfios"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Well,” said the frog, “what are you going to do about it?”“Marrying Therandil? I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to my parents, but they won’t listen, and neither will Therandil.”“I didn’t ask what you’d said about it,” the frog snapped. “I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.”","author":"Patricia C. Wrede,","tags":["actions-over-words","frog","funny"]}
{"quote":"“That’s us,” he said. “Those five nuts right there.”Which one is me?” I asked.The little deformed one,” Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","gods","grover","percy-jackson","zoe"]}
{"quote":"“Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.”","author":"Moira Young,","tags":["funny","humor","ike"]}
{"quote":"“It was an emergency!\" Seth blurted. \"Read my lips - emergency reading - not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head, I would watch a soap opera. And to save Fablehaven, I would read a book, okay, are you happy?\"You had best be careful, Seth,\" Grandma warned. \"The love of reading can be contagious.\"I just lost my appetite,\" he declared...”","author":"Brandon Mull","tags":["brandon","fablehaven","funny","mull","reading","seth"]}
{"quote":"“His eyebrows pulled in. “You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?”“I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["abby-abernathy","beautiful-disaster","elvis","funny","jamie-mcguire","love","travis-maddox"]}
{"quote":"“Are you two you know?\" Jacob pointed at us. \" Together? Together? \" I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground.\"Holy crap,\" Jacob muttered. \"I think they're going to make babies.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["avery","cam","funny","j-lynn","jacob","jacob-massen","jennifer-l-armentrout","lol","wait-for-you"]}
{"quote":"“The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.”","author":"Robert Conquest","tags":["bereaucracy","funny","management"]}
{"quote":"“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”","author":"Groucho Marx","tags":["divorce","funny"]}
{"quote":"“He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy check – big show, I wasn’t!- I found myself wonder what color his eyes were. Brown maybe. Or even hazel. Either way…wow, just wow. Deer? Headlights? Hi, I’m Ali.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["alice-bell","cole","funny"]}
{"quote":"“His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. \"I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing...if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is.\" \"And crazy is exactly the way I like it,\" I said, leaning up to kiss his lips.\"Obviously,\" America muttered under breath.”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["amusing","beautiful-disaster","crazy","funny","humour","love"]}
{"quote":"“I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","funny","sydney-sage"]}
{"quote":"“I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag,\" I warned him. \"Do not fuck with me.”","author":"Karen Chance,","tags":["funny","head"]}
{"quote":"“Are you okay?\" I (Cassie) call up to him.\"Um. Define okay.\" (Ben)\"Okay means you're not bleeding to death.\"\"I'm okay.”","author":"Rick Yancey,","tags":["ben","cassie","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["funny","humor","jealous","jealousy","love","sensitive","word-junkies"]}
{"quote":"“You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.”","author":"Kami Garcia,","tags":["ethan-wate","funny","humor","link","margaret-stohl"]}
{"quote":"“But there's a juicy artery in your groin,\" he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide.\"Don't you talk dirty,\" I told him. \"I won't listen to that.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["funny","salacious-talk"]}
{"quote":"“He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.''What you got on it?' the girl said.'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.''Haw, haw,' the girl said politely.”","author":"Flannery O'Connor,","tags":["funny","parkers-back"]}
{"quote":"“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.”","author":"Bill Bryson,","tags":["appalachia","attack","bear","camp","camping","funny","hiking","shit","trail","true"]}
{"quote":"“Who cares even if I didn't?!\" Conor shouted back. \"They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!\"The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.”","author":"Patrick Ness,","tags":["berries","funny","humor","monster","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own —”“That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["albus-dumbledore","funny","headmasters","phineas-nigellus","principals","students"]}
{"quote":"“What the hell is wrong with you, man? I thought we were cool.”“We were,” Warner says icily. “Until you touched my hair.”“You asked me to give you a haircut—”“I said nothing of the sort! I asked you to trim the edges!”“And that’s what I did.”“This,” Warner says, spinning around so I might inspect the damage, “is not trimming the edges, you incompetent moron—”I gasp. The back of Warner’s head is a jagged mess of uneven hair; entire chunks have been buzzed off.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["funny","juliette","kenji","restore-me","restoreme","warner"]}
{"quote":"“Wow, is that Katniss making out with Yoda?”","author":"Becky Albertalli,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.”","author":"Samuel Beckett,","tags":["darkness","funny","future","humor","pessimism"]}
{"quote":"“Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.”","author":"L.H. Cosway,","tags":["funny","hilarious","note"]}
{"quote":"“Hayden?\"\"Yes,Gia?\"\"Nothing I just wanted to say your name”","author":"Kasie West,","tags":["cute","funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!”","author":"Pittacus Lore,","tags":["fireball","funny","humor","nine"]}
{"quote":"“Are you suggesting I’m working with thezombies? That I paid them to pretend toattack me so that I’d trick you into letting me join you?”“Did you?” Mr. Holland demanded.“Yeah, okay,” I said in a sugar-sweet tone. “You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn’t tell. In exchange I asked him to gather hisbest undead buddies and stalk me throughmy friend’s yard. And oh, yeah, it wastotally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night dinner buffet, because having organs is so last season.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny","paranormal-romance","sarcasm","zombie"]}
{"quote":"“Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest. I hissed at him quietly, \"For heaven's sake, Ren! You're going to give the women heart palpitations!”","author":"Colleen Houck","tags":["funny","kelsey","ren"]}
{"quote":"“I can't go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it's a bad idea.\"He was quiet for a second. \"God,\" he said. \"I should've just paid for it myself. Should've just taken you straight from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam.\"\"But then I would've had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane,\" I said. \"Well, yeah,\" he said. \"But before that, my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid.\"I laughed pretty hard, hard enought that I felt where the chest tube had been. \"You laugh because it's true,\" he said.I laughed again.\"It's true, isn't it!\" \"Probably not,\" I said, and then after a moment added, \"although you never know.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["augustus-waters","funny","hazel-grace-lancaster"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["cute","flirty","funny"]}
{"quote":"“gray hair is gods graffiti”","author":"Bill Cosby","tags":["funny","god","graffiti","hair"]}
{"quote":"“You read a book for the story, for each of its words,\" Gordy said, \"and you draw your cartoons for the story, for each of the words and images. And, yeah, you need to take that seriously, but you should also read and draw because really good books and cartoons give you a boner.\"I was shocked:\"Did you just say books should give me a boner?\"\"Yes, I did.\"\"Are you serious?\"\"Yeah... don't you get excited about books?\"\"I don't think that you're supposed to get THAT excited about books.\"\"You should get a boner! You have to get a boner!\" Gordy shouted. \"Come on!\"We ran into the Reardan High School Library.\"Look at all these books,\" he said.\"There aren't that many,\" I said. It was a small library in a small high school in a small town.\"There are three thousand four hundred and twelve books here,\" Gordy said. \"I know that because I counted them.\"\"Okay, now you're officially a freak,\" I said.\"Yes, it's a small library. It's a tiny one. But if you read one of these books a day, it would still take you almost ten years to finish.\"\"What's your point?\"\"The world, even the smallest parts of it, is filled with things you don't know.\"Wow. That was a huge idea.Any town, even one as small as Reardan, was a place of mystery. And that meant Wellpinit, the smaller, Indian town, was also a place of mystery.\"Okay, so it's like each of these books is a mystery. Every book is a mystery. And if you read all of the books ever written, it's like you've read one giant mystery. And no matter how much you learn, you keep on learning so much more you need to learn.\"\"Yes, yes, yes, yes,\" Gordy said. \"Now doesn't that give you a boner?\"\"I am rock hard,\" I said.”","author":"Sherman Alexie,","tags":["boners","books","funny","knowledge","reading"]}
{"quote":"“She should have remembered her past experiences in the relationship wars and not let herself get so excited. Evidently her hormones had overruled her common sense and she had become drunk on ovarian wine, the most potent, sanity- destroying substance in the universe.”","author":"Linda Howard,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“If you're ever feeling a lack of middle-aged white men, just pop into the Capitol. Not so much the House of Representatives, which has a bit more color and texture, but the Senate -- jeez. Yes, let's have more testosterone running the country.Maximum Ride, School's Out--Forever”","author":"James Patterson","tags":["capitol","funny","maximum-ride","senate"]}
{"quote":"“Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless”","author":"Kiersten White,","tags":["evie","funny","kiersten-white","paranormalcy"]}
{"quote":"“So they finally gave you the license to kill, about time.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["christian","funny","vampire-academy-series"]}
{"quote":"“I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["eric-northman","funny","sookie-stackhouse","true-blood","witches"]}
{"quote":"“As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as I wriggled down under the soft old sheets and the blanket and the comforter, if Eric had designs on me, I was just too tired to care.\"Woman?\"\"Hmmm?\"\"What's your name?\"\"Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse.\"\"Thank you, Sookie.\"\"Welcome, Eric.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["eric-northman","funny","sookie-stackhouse","true-blood"]}
{"quote":"“When mice run, cats give chase.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“Not one word,\" Kel warned. \"Tobe and I have reached an understanding.\" Neal's lips twitched. \"Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.”","author":"Tamora Pierce","tags":["funny","keladry-of-mindelan","lady-knight","tamora-pierce"]}
{"quote":"“It's sometimes funny to watch some people doing something the wrong way but doing it confidently. Even more funny, they succeeded.”","author":"Toba Beta [Betelgeuse Incident],","tags":["confident","fun","funny","succeeded","watch","watching","way","wrong"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, princess of Popsicles! Queen of curlicue cones.”","author":"Wendy Higgins,","tags":["anna-whitt","funny","jay","sweet-evil"]}
{"quote":"“I lost a horse today.''That sounds careless. What happened?''She jumped off a cliff.''A cliff! Is that normal?”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["cliff","funny","george-holly","sean"]}
{"quote":"“Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless..”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","hermione"]}
{"quote":"“A man touched me: his hand... my thigh.I touched him too: my fist... his jaw.”","author":"Joseph Gordon-Levitt,","tags":["funny","girl-power","unexpected"]}
{"quote":"“If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads.”","author":"Devon Sampson","tags":["funny","intelligent-design"]}
{"quote":"“Vic knelt by Lucas's side. 'You look like crap, by the way.''Thanks for breaking it to me gently.' Lucas took a deep breath, then groaned.”","author":"Claudia Gray,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.\"Ah,\" he said. \"Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.\"\"What?\"\"Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!\"\"You have GOT to be kidding.\"\"Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.\"That's it?\"He looked up. \"Sorry?\"\"Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town.\"\"It's got a car alarm.\"\"Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?\"\"No. It's a pretty good car alarm.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","skulduggery","skulduggery-pleasant"]}
{"quote":"“vers libre,\" (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture.”","author":"G.K. Chesterton,","tags":["archtecture","free-verse","free-verse-poetry","funny","funny-but-true","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","bad-ass","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Does it hurt?”He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. “Only when I laugh.”“I’ll try not to be funny.”“Epic fail, beautiful.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","shane-collins","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Caine tried to roll to his feet, but something was jabbing him in the crouch. He shook off the stars and saw Edilio standing over him. Edilio had the business end of his automatic rifle in a very sensitive place.  \"If you move, Caine, I will shoot your balls off,\" Edilio said. \"Toto?\"  \"He will,\" Toto said, \"Although he's not sure it will be just your balls.”","author":"Michael  Grant,","tags":["balls","caine","edilio","funny","gone","gone-series","light","michael-grant","toto"]}
{"quote":"“Shit, man, if I didn’t know you were in a world of pain right now, I’d be filming this.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["funny","kenji","restoreme","warner"]}
{"quote":"“Leap out the window, my inner Tigress cried. You aren't ready to face such a powerful Tiger. I frowned. I thought a true Tigress never backed down from a fight. Don't you know anything? When she's in heat, she avoids everything male. Now run!”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“And so that means...\"\"We have to rob the Henley,\" Simon said.Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. \"Again.”","author":"Ally Carter,","tags":["funny","gabrielle","heist-socity","henley","kat","simon"]}
{"quote":"“Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“I’m not trying to—What do teenagers say nowadays?” he asked my grandmother.“Get all up in her biznez,” Nana said.Without cracking a smile.“That’s right,” he replied. “We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny","grandparents","teenage-slang"]}
{"quote":"“The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","ideas","random"]}
{"quote":"“The wolf said, \"You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.\" Red Riding Hood said, \"I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.”","author":"James Finn Garner,","tags":["fairy-tales","funny","humor","little-red-riding-hood","politics","sexist"]}
{"quote":"“The only thing known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle. He reasoned like this: you can't have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir instantaneously. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles -- kingons, or possibly queons -- that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","monarchy","physics"]}
{"quote":"“     Illicit flight Alfa Bravo Charlie quickly reached a predetermined altitude and stopped dead. The passengers on board screamed the way people do on fairground rides. The shuttle hesitated momentarily and then shot forward accelerating rapidly to reach a blistering 145,222 miles per hour. They were in a Mach 22 situation. The cries from on-board could not be heard from the ground. Neither did anyone in the great metropolis of Llar witness the bright blue vapour trail the craft left behind in its wake. It was after all overcast and raining heavily.”","author":"A.R. Merrydew,","tags":["adventure","drama","dystopian","fantasy-novel","fast-paced","full-on","funny","gripping","magical","wars"]}
{"quote":"“If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.”","author":"Ambrose Bierce,","tags":["funny","homicide","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Working for Mab now, are you, Wolfman?\" he smirked. \"Like a good little attack dog? Will you also roll over and beg if she asks?”","author":"Julie Kagawa,","tags":["funny","puck"]}
{"quote":"“Demon pox, oh demon poxJust how is it acquired?One must go down to the bad part of townUntil one is very tired.Demon pox, oh demon pox, I had it all along—Not the pox, you foolish blocks,I mean this very song—For I was right, and you were wrong!”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["demon-pox","funny","the-infernal-devices","will-herondale"]}
{"quote":"“The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.”","author":"Larissa Ione,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?' 'No. Answers. There's a difference-' 'Really? How? What difference?' 'Explanations are what people use when they need to lie. Y'can always tell those,'cause those don't explain nothing and then they look at you like they just cleared things up when really they did the opposite and they know it and you know it and they know you know and you know they know that you know and they know you and you know them and maybe you go out for a pitcher later but who picks up the tab? That's what I want to know.' 'Right, and answers?' 'Answers is what I get when I ask questions. Answers is when you got no choice. I ask, you tell. I ask again, you tell some more. Then I break your fingers, 'cause I don't like what you're telling me, because those answers don't explain nothing!”","author":"Steven Erikson,","tags":["answers","banaschar","drunk","explanations","funny","hellian","humor","malazan-book-of-the-fallen","philosophy","priest","sergeant","the-bonehunters","wordplay"]}
{"quote":"“Come on,\" I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["eric-northman","funny","sookie-stackhouse","true-blood"]}
{"quote":"“Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, \"You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.”","author":"Shelly Laurenston,","tags":["funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?”I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.”“Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended.“Prove me wrong.”","author":"Maria V. Snyder,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.”","author":"Louis C.K.,","tags":["amazing","ck","funny","louis"]}
{"quote":"“sometimes when everything seems atits worstwhen all conspiresand gnawsand the hours, days, weeksyearsseem wasted – stretched there upon my bedin the darklooking upward at the ceilingi get what many will consider anobnoxious thought:it’s still nice to beBukowski.”","author":"Charles Bukowski,","tags":["bukowski","ego","funny","ironic","irony","obnoxious","poem","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone!' but how can do that without a bloody phone?”","author":"Sophie Kinsella,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.”","author":"Wendelin Van Draanen,","tags":["drama","funny","humor","romance"]}
{"quote":"“You've read half the books in this house? This whole house?\" \"Well, approximately half.\" Sticky said. \"To be more accurate, I suppose I've read more like\" - his eyes went up as he calculated - \"three sevenths? Yes, three sevenths.\" \"Only three sevenths?\" said Kate, pretending to look disappointed. \"And here I was prepared to be impressed.”","author":"Trenton Lee Stewart,","tags":["books","funny","reading","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["describes-me","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“When this is all over, when Van Eck has been put in his place, when Rollins goes running, and the money is paid, these will still be my streets. I can’t live in a city where I can’t hold up my head.” “If you have a head to hold up,” said Jesper. “I’ve taken knives, bullets, and too many punches to count, all for a little piece of this town,” said Kaz. “This is the city I bled for. And if Ketterdam has taught me anything, it’s that you can always bleed a little more.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["bleed","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Agatha: \"If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home.\"Sophie: \"But then I can't talk!”","author":"Soman Chainani,","tags":["agatha","funny","sophie","vanity"]}
{"quote":"“No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["computer","computer-hackers","computers","funny","geek","geek-humor","humor","humour","nerd","nerd-humor","nerds","revenge","vengeance"]}
{"quote":"“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after \"I love you\"... or \"You're going to live\"... or \"It's a boy!”","author":"Demetri Martin","tags":["comedian","comedy","equivocation","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?\"\"That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney.\"\"Oh, really?\"\"O'Reilly, actually. But what's a vowel between friends?\"\"Very good. You should be on the stage.\"\"It's funny you should mention that.\"The passport officer groaned. Ten more minutes and his shift would have been over. \"I was being sarcastic, actually. . .\"\"Because my friend, Mr. McGuire, and I are also doing a stint in the Christmas pantomime. It's Snow White. I'm Doc, and he's Dopey.\"The passport officer forced a smile. \"Very good. Next.\"Mulch spoke for the entire line to hear. \"Of course, Mr. McGuire there was born to play Dopey, if you catch my drift.\"Loafers lost it right there in the terminal. \"You little freak!\" he screamed. \"I'll kill you! You'll be my next tattoo! You'll be my next tattoo!\"Much tutted as Loafers disappeared beneath half a dozen security guards.\"Actors,\" he said. \"Highly strung.”","author":"Eoin Colfer,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“But — why would she break up with you? Why was she crying?” At this, I laugh again.“ Because I,” I say, pointing at myself, “am a monster.\"Kenji looks confused. “ And how is that news to anyone?”I smile. He’s funny, I think. Funny guy.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["funny","kenji","restoreme","warner"]}
{"quote":"“I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea.”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["accurate","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You look angry,\" he said.\"You put me on hold.\"\"For a very good reason.\"\"You put me,\" she said very, very slowly, \"on hold.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","humor","skeleton","valykrie"]}
{"quote":"“It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?\"\"It does much more that that,\" Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.His eyes widened. \"What wonder is this?\"\"It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["angry","angry-birds","birds","funny","humour","valkyrie"]}
{"quote":"“You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated.\"\"I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["detective","funny","humour","violated"]}
{"quote":"“Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire,\" she said. \"Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit.\" \"You don't mean that.\" \"Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma.\" Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before.\"You what?\"\"Like. You.\" Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. \"Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?\" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. \"How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?\" \"I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know.\" \"I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly,\" Eve said.\"It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look.\" \" How do I look?\" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. \"Oh come on. You're a total model-babe.\" \"You're kidding.\"\"You don't think you are?\"He shook his head. \"Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot.\" Eve crossed her arms.“So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I’m intimidating?”“I think you’re…you’re…ah, interesting?” Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. “I think you’re beautiful. And really, really strange.”Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. “Thanks for that, “ she said, “I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Well, to be fair, you are Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Hey!”“You can be bratty and beautiful,” Michael said. “I think it’s interesting.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Well, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","gringotts","ron-weasley"]}
{"quote":"“A snap of Rhys’s fingers, and my nightclothes—and some flimsy underthings—appeared on the bed. “I couldn’t decide which scrap of lace I wanted you to wear, so I brought you a few to choose from.” “Pig,” I barked”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["feyre","flirting","funny","rhysand"]}
{"quote":"“Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.”","author":"Eion Colfer,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Kate's Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.”","author":"Ilona Andrews","tags":["funny","ilona-andrews-website","kate-daniels","magic-bleeds"]}
{"quote":"“If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away.”","author":"Seanan McGuire,","tags":["books","funny","ironic","rosemary-and-rue","seanan-mcguire"]}
{"quote":"“I shouldn't have lost my temper that way. It just pricks his pride, makes him dig in his heels.\"\"So why did you?\" I asked, genuinely curious. It was rare for Nikolai's emotions to get the best of him. \"I don't know,\" he said, shredding the leaf. \"You got angry. I got angry. The room was too damn hot.\"\"I don't think that's it.\"\"Indigestion?\" he offered.\"It's because you actually care about what happens to this country,\" I said. \"The throne is just a prize to Vasily, something he wants to squabble over like a favorite toy, You're not like that. You'll make a good king.\"Nikolai froze. \"I…\" For once, words seemed to have deserted him. Then a crooked, embarrassed smile crept across his face. It was a far cry from his usual self-assured grin. \"Thank you,\" he said.I sighed as we resumed our pace. \"You're going to be insufferable now, aren't you?\"Nikolai laughed. \"I'm already insufferable.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina","feels","funny","nikolai"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t do anything stupid.\"\"Don’t worry,\" I whispered over the line, \"I’m an expert on stupid.\"\"You’re...\"\"Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.\"\"Never say that word again,\" Prof said.”","author":"Brandon Sanderson,","tags":["bugs","comedy","expert","exterminator","exterminators","funny","humor","stupid","stupidity"]}
{"quote":"“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”","author":"Erma Bombeck","tags":["amusing","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means...Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I'm sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at you. You got one right. Now here's another, even tougher sentence for you to finish. Premarital sex is...Me: Nana! I'm so sorry Justin.Nana: Unlike Pops, I'm not moving on. Justin?Pops: His name is Jason.Justin:Uh....uh....Pops: While you think about that, why don't you tell me how you feel about drinking and driving?Justin: I'm totally against it, I swear!Nana: Methinks he protests too much.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["date","drinking","funny","justin","zombieland"]}
{"quote":"“Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["brain","challenge","clever","cognition","cognitive","cognitive-psychology","contemplation","creative","creative-thinking","excessive","funny","humor","ideas","insanity","mentality","perfectionism","philosophy","psychology","think","thinking","thought","witty","wordplay"]}
{"quote":"“Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says \"Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed\"--because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk”","author":"E. Lockhart,","tags":["friendship","funny","sweet","true"]}
{"quote":"“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”","author":"Julie Halpern,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["eric-northman","funny","sookie-stackhouse","true-blood"]}
{"quote":"“What were you thinking?\" I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. \"Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?\"Adrian grinned. \"Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","funny","hilarious","indigo-spell","romance","sydney-sage","sydrian"]}
{"quote":"“My parents didn't raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on Sunday School. It has to be a miracle. There is no other explanation. How else could they sleep with the football team on Saturday night and be reincarnated as virginal goddesses on Monday?”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["accurate","funny"]}
{"quote":"“What are you?” he demanded. “A slayer?\" I rolled my eyes. “The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men?”","author":"Parker Blue,","tags":["funny","tv-reference"]}
{"quote":"“He slowed down a bit more. \"Gaia, how do you know these things?\" She shrugged. \"I'm smart.\" \"And modest, too.\" \"Modesty is a waste of time,\" she pronounced. \"I'll keep that in mind.”","author":"Francine Pascal,","tags":["ed-fargo","fearless","funny","modesty"]}
{"quote":"“Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business”","author":"Gregory David Roberts,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“No such word as can't. No such word as babagoozle neither!”","author":"Charlie Higson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“-\"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful.\"-\"It was stupid.”","author":"Lloyd Alexander,","tags":["comebacks","comedy","comical","funny","humor","humorous","ironic","satire","sharp","witty"]}
{"quote":"“I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","bad-ass","funny"]}
{"quote":"“They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.”","author":"Sophie Kinsella,","tags":["funny","humor","humour","shopping"]}
{"quote":"“Skulduggery.\"\"Fletcher.\"Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment.\"I'm sorry, what are we doing now?\"\"Shaking hands,\" Fletcher said. \"Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know.\"You look a lot like him.\"\"Well, yeah, but-\"\"And you have the same ridiculous hair.\"\"Can we just shake hands?\"\"Of course we can,\" Skulduggery said, and they shook. \"Now what?\"\"I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?\"\"Generally, the first thing they do is let go.\"\"Oh, right,\" Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. \"So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie.\"It's blue.\"\"And such a nice shade.\"Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. \"You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","greet","hair","shake"]}
{"quote":"“How'd you get to be so good at this?\"\"I had a good teacher.\"\"Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.\"\"I mean you, dummy.\"\"Oh.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["carter-kane","destruction","earthquakes","floods","funny","funny-and-random","giant-snake","humour","ra","rebellious","riordan","riots","sadie-kane","serpent","snake","sun","survive","tornado","tsunamis"]}
{"quote":"“Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester.\"I flipped him off.\"Well that wasn't funny at all.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["alex","deacon","funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“I brought you some coffee.” he held out the cup but she waved it away.“I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet.”At that he smiled. “How would you know what feet taste like?”“I just know.”-Luke and Clary, pg.209-”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["clary-fray","coffee","food-critics","funny","luke"]}
{"quote":"“He told me that if you yelled out \"JAMBA!\" at full volume, all the employees would yell back \"JUICE!\" He lied.”","author":"Morgan Matson,","tags":["amy","brother","charlie","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Claire found herself staring at his feet, which were in bunny slippers. Myrnin looked down. \"What?\" he asked. \"They're quite comfortable.\" He lifted on to look at it, and the ears wobbled in the air. \"Of course they are,\" she said. Just when she thought Myrnin was getting his mental act together, he'd do something like that. Or maybe he was just messing with her. He liked to do that, and his dark eyes were fixed on her now, assessing just how weirded-out she was.  Which, on the grade scale of zero to Myrnin, wasn't much.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["bunnies","funny","lol","morganville-vampires","vamps"]}
{"quote":"“Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you,\" admonished Perl.\"Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”","author":"Maria V. Snyder,","tags":["fire-study","funny","lief"]}
{"quote":"“I'm sure I look like a drowned cat.\"\"You look fine. The wet look works for you.\"I scowled. \"Now I know you're lying.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["compliment","daemon","funny","katy"]}
{"quote":"“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”","author":"Eoin Colfer,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“NO MATING.”","author":"Brandon Sanderson,","tags":["awkward","couples","funny","hilarious","lovers","mating","pattern"]}
{"quote":"“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”","author":"Chelsea Handler","tags":["comedy","funny","hot-mess","humor"]}
{"quote":"“He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. \"You look hot.\"\"What? Me?\" I stammered, completely flummoxed.\"Yeah,\" he said, still looking at me.\"Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you don’t, but I’m not sure that you should—I mean …\"\"Oh, no,\" Roger said quickly, and I could see that he was blushing again. \"No. I mean—I meant what you’re wearing. Are you going to be too warm?”","author":"Morgan Matson,","tags":["amy","amy-roger-s-epic-detour","funny","roger"]}
{"quote":"“In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.”","author":"Roman Payne","tags":["accidents","death","dying","funny","humor","humour","life","truism"]}
{"quote":"“My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way”","author":"Ali Shariati","tags":["death","faith","friend","funny","god","humor","inspirational","life","love","relationship","religion","truth"]}
{"quote":"“I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocuted. I do this when I'm very happy.”","author":"Dave Eggers,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["alcohol","best","conversation","drink","drinking","drunk","drunken","drunkenness","funny","funny-but-true","give","humor","intoxicate","intoxication","pep-talk","talk","talking"]}
{"quote":"“Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.”","author":"Isaac Marion,","tags":["funny","humanity","nora","warm-bodies","zombie-apocalypse"]}
{"quote":"“Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.“I thought you must be dead …” he said simply.“So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny","humor","lemon"]}
{"quote":"“Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.”","author":"Lisa McMann,","tags":["cabel","funny","humor","lisa-mcmann","wake"]}
{"quote":"“Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","humor","i-can-t","jkahsalolololololol"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”","author":"Maria V. Snyder,","tags":["fire-study","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Suspicion,\" he said. \"Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He's a genius.\" \"Starring Cary Grant.\" When Lucas gave me a look, I added, \"You have your priorities, I have mine.”","author":"Claudia Gray,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin?Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.Travis: Or prank.Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["family","funny","hermes-cabin"]}
{"quote":"“Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","grover-underwood","reed-pipe"]}
{"quote":"“Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.”","author":"Alice Walker,","tags":["alice-walker","death","funny","life","peaches"]}
{"quote":"“And as we leave Donne and Walton on the shores of Metahemeralism, we wave a fond farewell to those famous chums of yore.”","author":"Donna Tartt,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.”","author":"Mary E. Pearson,","tags":["fearless","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.”","author":"Bill Maher","tags":["analogy","comedy","funny","humor","most-christians","read","simile","software-license","the-bible","understanding"]}
{"quote":"“So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","paranormal-series","true-love","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","percy-jackson"]}
{"quote":"“It was all Mrs. Bumble. She would do it,\" urged Mr. Bumble; first looking round, to ascertain that his partner had left the room.That is no excuse,\" returned Mr. Brownlow. \"You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and, indeed, are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction.\"If the law supposes that,\" said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, \"the law is a ass — a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience — by experience.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["dominance","funny","husbands","law","marriage","matrimony","responsibility","wives","woman"]}
{"quote":"“You've done what?\"\"I know,\" he said. \"You're impressed. You send me out for bread and I come back with a boy. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Even for me.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","humour","kingdom-of-the-wicked","skulduggery","valykrie"]}
{"quote":"“He laughs. \"Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on.\"I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I've got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit. I reach out for the first thing I can grab and put it in front of me to shield myself from view. It happens to be one of Kiara's stuffed animals, but I don't have much choice right now.\"That's Kiara's Mojo,\" Tuck says, laughing. \"Get it? Mojo?”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["carlos","carlos-fuentes","funny","kiara","kiara-westford","perfect-chemistry","rules-of-attraction","simone-elkeles","tuck"]}
{"quote":"“Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids’ head into the toilets. It’s nice that some things never change.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["camp","everyone","funny","normal"]}
{"quote":"“He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["frostbite","funny","richelle-mead","rose"]}
{"quote":"“Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out.”","author":"R.D. Ronald","tags":["daily-goals","funny","humour","humour-quote","humourosly-inspirational","smile"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Don't make me angry-kiss you.”","author":"Rainbow Rowell,","tags":["funny","levi"]}
{"quote":"“Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!”","author":"Robert Louis Stevenson,","tags":["adventure","funny"]}
{"quote":"“hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home,\" I say. \"Katniss, I live three houses away from you,\" he says.”","author":"Suzanne Collins,","tags":["catching","fire","funny","games","hunger"]}
{"quote":"“You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.\"\"I object to every single thing you just said.\"Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing dark red lipstick.\"I have lots of friends,\" Cath said.\"I never see them.\"\"I just got here. Most of my friends went to other schools. Or they’re online.\"\"Internet friends don’t count.\"\"Why not?\"Reagan shrugged disdainfully.\"And I don’t have a weird thing with Simon Snow,\" Cath said. \"I’m just really active in the fandom.\"\"What the fuck is ‘the fandom’?”","author":"Rainbow Rowell,","tags":["cath","fandom","fangirl","friends","funny","internet","simon-snow"]}
{"quote":"“He said \"cool\" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["cool","funny","language","spanish"]}
{"quote":"“He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?”","author":"Thea Harrison,","tags":["dragos","funny","pia"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”","author":"George Carlin,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.\"\"David, I think you just made a joke.\"He frowned, utterly perplexed. \"Did I?”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina","david","funny"]}
{"quote":"“No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it.”","author":"Jessica Day George,","tags":["funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Hello little one. Did you know you're on private property?\"\"Really? I had no idea.\" Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. \"The ten foot fence right behind you didn't give it away?”","author":"Alanea Alder,","tags":["funny","humor","paranormal-romance","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.”","author":"Brett Tate","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humour","memoir","sex"]}
{"quote":"“Gurathin turned to me. \"So you don't have a governor module, but we could punish you by looking at you.\"I looked at him. \"Probably, right up until I remember I have guns built into my arms.”","author":"Martha Wells,","tags":["funny","guns","murderbot","robots"]}
{"quote":"“How comes every time I write a book and one of my character's say something remotely offensive, do people stick that “Quote” next to my bloody name on social media? I didn't bloody say it, did I?”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. \"I have to go.\"\"You just got here.\"\"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.\"\"You're making that up.\"\"I'm not.\"\"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humorous","humorous-quotations","humorous-quote","humour"]}
{"quote":"“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”","author":"Frankie Boyle","tags":["dark-humor","death","devil","funeral","funny","hell","humor","humour","margaret-thatcher","politics","scotland"]}
{"quote":"“You could still be lying,” says the Roach. He turns to Cardan. “Try her.”“Your pardon?” Cardan says, drawing himself up, and the Roach seems to suddenly remember to whom he’s speaking in such an offhanded way.“Don’t be such a prickly rose, Your Majesty,” the Roach says with a shrug and a grin. “I’m not giving you an order. I’m suggesting that if you tried to glamour Jude, we could find out the truth.”Cardan sighs and walks toward me. I know this is necessary. I know that he doesn’t intend to hurt me. I know he can’t glamour me. And yet I draw back automatically.“Jude?” he asks.“Go ahead,” I say.I hear the glamour enter his voice, heady and seductive and more powerful than I expected. “Crawl to me,” he says with a grin. Embarrassment pinks my cheeks.I stay where I am, looking at all their faces. “Satisfied?”The Bomb nods. “You’re not charmed.”","author":"Holly Black,","tags":["funny","glamour","lying"]}
{"quote":"“I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.”","author":"Mark Rosen","tags":["doorknobs","funny","future"]}
{"quote":"“If you want me obedient, prince, kill me and carry my corpse.”","author":"Hafsah Faizal,","tags":["fantasy-young-adult","funny","humor","inspirational","sassy"]}
{"quote":"“CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day.”","author":"Ronda Thompson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.”","author":"Gary Paulsen,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Hence, why Tudeski is only my pen name (stage name – made up name) and I don't use my real surname when I write anything any longer. Clever of me, right? No, not really, my real surname got fucked over by critics long before I actually found out an author could use a pretend name – I just believe it's Tudeski's turn to take some of this shit now!”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["author","funny"]}
{"quote":"“When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. \"Put your clothes in for a wash,\" he said. \"They were disgusting.\"Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself.Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.Click.Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.\"Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?\" Keith asked. \"Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?\"You mean, besides us?\"\"Well,\" he said, \"yeah. Is there any coffee?”","author":"Maureen Johnson,","tags":["funny","ginny","humor","humour","keith"]}
{"quote":"“Jase turned his head to me, brows raised. “If I liked guys—you know, swung that way, I’d get naked after that.”I blinked. Um.“And I’d put a ring on that,” Cam added, moving to where Avery sat.”","author":"J. Lynn,","tags":["cam","funny","humor","jase","stay-with-me"]}
{"quote":"“S'mimasen,\" Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. \"What does that mean?\" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. \"It means 'pardon me,'\" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. \"At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny","language","ranger-s-apprentice"]}
{"quote":"“Just another part of that Spartan killer instinct. I can slay the ladies just as well as I can reapers.”","author":"Jennifer Estep,","tags":["funny","hot","mythology"]}
{"quote":"“I’m sorry I ever asked you guys to be friends. You don’t have to be friends. You don’t even have to like each other. Forget I said anything.”Warner drops his crossed arms.Kenji raises his eyebrows.“I promise,” I say. “No more forced hangout sessions. No more spending time alone without me. Okay?”“You swear?” Kenji says.“I swear.”“Thank God,” Warner says.“Same, bro. Same.”And I roll my eyes, irritated. This is the first thing they’ve managed to agree on in over a week: their mutual hatred of my hopes for their friendship.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["friendship","funny","juliette","kenji","restore-me","restoreme","tahereh-mafi","warner"]}
{"quote":"“When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.”","author":"Jennifer Crusie,","tags":["feminist","funny","goodnight","gwen"]}
{"quote":"“I pointed to a low bowl filled with what purported to be stew, but then Noah said, “Are you goingto point, or are you going to eat?”“I just like to know what I’m putting in my mouth before I swallow.”Noah arched an eyebrow, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["funny","mistaken"]}
{"quote":"“I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.“I’ve got yours.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“I laughed. It was just like Owen to make excuses for someone else’s shortcomings. Even fictional characters. Owen found my tendency to speak my mind “refreshingly honest,” and hailed Marc’s temper as “a deep protective instinct.” He said Ethan “thoroughly enjoyed life,” and that Parker “really knew how to have a good time.” According to Owen, we were all doing just fine, and all was right with the world.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Be careful, though.\"\"Aren't I always?\"\"No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.”","author":"Veronica Roth,","tags":["funny","real"]}
{"quote":"“Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree.\"You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you?\" he asked.\"Huh?\" replied Horace, not quite understanding. Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!”","author":"Sharon Swan","tags":["exit-ghost","funny","happiness","happy","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?”","author":"Kiersten White,","tags":["funny","funny-humor","hard-to-get"]}
{"quote":"“It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is hard to explain the wild flowers that one gardener calls weeds, and another considers beautiful ground cover.”","author":"Shannon L. Alder","tags":["all-different","ancient-chinese-wisdom","beliefs","commandments","complicated-people","differences","diversity","flowers","fortune-cookie-advice","funny","gardening","ground-cover","guidelines","humor","life","messed-up-people","observations","observations-on-life","opinions","perspectives","religion","rules","speculations","truth","values","variations","viewing-things-different","way-of-life","wildflowers"]}
{"quote":"“I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and my reactions. This certainly explains cafeteria food.”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I wonder if my entire life will be a series of moments in which I realize I’m an idiot long after I can actually do anything about it. Will I ever feel like I know what I’m doing?”","author":"Sabaa Tahir,","tags":["elias","funny","relatable"]}
{"quote":"“WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!”","author":"Al Franken","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You bitch!\"Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me.”","author":"Jaye Wells,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It's a good thing Jack was no longer in my hands, because I would've pulled a full-on Kylo Ren temper tantrum.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.”","author":"Shannon Hale,","tags":["amusing","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing is impossible to kill. It's just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving”","author":"Mira Grant,","tags":["death","funny","possibilities","shooting","zombies"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I should go in alone,\" Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. \"If we both go in, it'll look to official.\"\"So I'll just stay out here?\" Skulduggery asked. \"But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring.\"\"You're standing on the roof of a train,\" Valkyrie pointed out. \"If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out.\"Fine,\" he said, sounding grumpy. \"Don't be long.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","skulduggery"]}
{"quote":"“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable,\" said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, \"Emerson.\"\"Lake and Palmer?\"\"Ralph and Waldo.”","author":"Louise Penny,","tags":["civic-duty","funny","misattributed","neighborliness","ralph-waldo-emerson","snow"]}
{"quote":"“I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.”","author":"Gary Larson","tags":["coffee","funny","humor","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","arrogance","arrogant","axiom","axioms","boyfriend","boyfriends","convince","convinced","convincing","date","dating","deep","deserve","deserving","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","funny","girlfriend","girlfriends","gnome","gnomes","humble","humbled","humility","humor","humorous","humour","husband","husbands","insightful","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","partner","partners","persuade","persuaded","persuading","philosopher","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","relationship","satire","satirical","saying","sayings","south-africa","south-african","thought-provoking","thoughtful","true","wife","wives"]}
{"quote":"“There wasn't a lot of bullshit in my heaven.”","author":"Alice Sebold,","tags":["afterlife","funny","life-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”","author":"Demetri Martin","tags":["comedian","comedy","demetri-martin","fly","funny","humor","ironic","roommates"]}
{"quote":"“What kind of person doesn't let you have gummi bears?”","author":"Libba Bray,","tags":["food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”","author":"Dave Barry","tags":["funny","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, babe, can I sit here?” Elle turned her head and saw Nero standing there, holding a tray.　　Did he just really ask that, and did he just really call me ‘babe’?　　“Are you serious? Sit here?” Elle pointed to the chair beside her.　　“Yes, I was talking directly to you, wasn’t I?” Nero was definitely a smartass.　　“No, you clearly weren’t because my name isn’t ‘babe’. I bet you don’t even know my name. So, no, you cannot sit here, Nero.”","author":"Sarah Brianne,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The word \"genius\" isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”","author":"Joe Theismann","tags":["funny","stupid","wow"]}
{"quote":"“Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month.Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek.Travis: You are a geek.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["banter","funny","twins"]}
{"quote":"“Here it comes,\" she said with an expression of pure bliss. \"Drug rush ... any moment now ... the surge of warmth ... bye-bye, Mr. Pain...\"\"Vee-\"\"Knock, knock.\"\"This is really important-\"\"Knock, knock.\"\"It's about Elliot-\"\"Knock, knoooock,\" she said in a singsong voice. I sighed. \"Who's there?\"\"Boo.\"\"Boo who?\"\"Boo-hoo, somebody's crying, and it's not me!\" She broke into hysterical laughter.”","author":"Becca Fitzpatrick,","tags":["becca-fitzpatrick","funny","hush-hush","nora-and-vee","nora-grey","vee-sky"]}
{"quote":"“Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I´d imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and take them all out? Yah, not going to win me any fans.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["alex","funny"]}
{"quote":"“What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!”","author":"Hunter S. Thompson,","tags":["acid-trips","crazy","drugs","funny","random"]}
{"quote":"“He shrugged. “I have a stomach thing. Don’t get close.”“Well, now you’ve spoiled everything,” I said casually, working hard to fake it. “I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet.” I pointed. “Right there.”A joyless smile appeared on Jamie’s lips. “We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned lovetriangle.”That’s my Jamie.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin","tags":["friends","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on,\" Malcolm pointed out. \"Do you have any ideas about how we're going to handle that task?\"\"Simple,\" Halt told him. \"We'll surround them.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I only snatched him to get your attention,” I said. “Now that I’ve got it, this is what I want.”“Damn my dame!” Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. “I knew it! Not another list!”","author":"Kim Harrison,","tags":["algaliarept","funny","rachel"]}
{"quote":"“The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["compassion","consideration","consideration-of-others","empathy","funny","funny-but-true","hard","hard-heart","hard-hearted","heart","humor","joy","kindness","love","nice","odd","paradox","patience","patience-and-love","pity","selflessness","sense-of-humor","soft","soft-heart","soft-hearted","strange","sympathy","weird"]}
{"quote":"“And you look beautiful,\" she added.\"I look like a cake.\"\"But a beautiful cake.”","author":"Andrea Cremer,","tags":["funny","nightshade"]}
{"quote":"“She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.”","author":"C.C. Hunter,","tags":["born-at-midnight","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.”","author":"Oprah Winfrey","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”","author":"Stephen Colbert","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”","author":"David Frost","tags":["depressed","funny","humour","miserable"]}
{"quote":"“One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.”","author":"Victor Borge","tags":["borge","fire","fireplace","funny","humor","humorous","victor","victor-borge"]}
{"quote":"“I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn't have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls.”","author":"Haven Kimmel,","tags":["funny","sports"]}
{"quote":"“The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.”","author":"David Sedaris,","tags":["funny","humor","joke","vindictive"]}
{"quote":"“My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.\"\"She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action.\"-Ranger and Stephanie”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","janet-evanovich","ranger","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain”","author":"Jon Stewart","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["australia","baby-safety","child-safety","dingo","dingoes","funny","humor","humorous","precaution","wild-animals"]}
{"quote":"“I smack myself in the forehead. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods, they’re not moving!” I exclaim. There’s a choking noise over my head somewhere. “Etruscan snoods?” I glow quietly inside. Some accomplishments mean more than others. I am officially the Shit. Now and forever. “Dude, watch your question marks. I just pried one out of you.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Admit it, you lost your eternal fecking composure.” “You have an obsession with a delusion about how I end my sentences. What the fuck are Etruscan snoods?” “Dunno. It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam!’ ” “Strawberries.” “Or, ‘Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!’ ”","author":"Karen Marie Moning,","tags":["dani-o-malley","fever-series","funny","iced","ryodan"]}
{"quote":"“My imagination is something of a badass.”","author":"DC Pierson,","tags":["funny","imagination"]}
{"quote":"“I'm going to take a shower,\" I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. \"You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.”","author":"Chelsea M. Cameron,","tags":["chelsea-m-cameron","funny","hunter-zaccadelli","my-favorite-mistake","shower","taylor-and-hunter","taylor-caldwell"]}
{"quote":"“I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.”","author":"Kinky Friedman","tags":["funny","gay-marriage","kinky-friedman","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here”","author":"Jessica Verday,","tags":["abbey","funny","jessica-verday","the-hollow"]}
{"quote":"“[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.”","author":"Harry S. Truman","tags":["democracy","democracy-fascism","democracy-freedom","democracy-voting","democrats","elections","funny","government","political-science","politicians","politics-observation","politics-science","politicsics","power","president","republicans"]}
{"quote":"“I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.”","author":"Brian Helgeland,","tags":["chaucer","funny","movies"]}
{"quote":"“If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.”","author":"Stephen Clarke,","tags":["british","funny"]}
{"quote":"“All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.”","author":"Claudia Gray,","tags":["dead-people","friends","funny","random","vic"]}
{"quote":"“Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped”","author":"Alan Sheinwald,","tags":["accomplishment","action","actions","alan-sheinwald","art","attributed","be-yourself","belief","best","confidence","experience","faith","fate","fear","fitting-in","freedom","funny","human-nature","inspirational","integrity","life","light","live","magination","mistakes","peace","perception","pessimism","planning","plans","reality","relationships","romance","sadness","smile","smiling","strategy","strength","those-who-matter","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“I'M SCOTTISH!”","author":"Elizabeth Wein,","tags":["argument","english","funny","humor","scottish"]}
{"quote":"“Yes,\" he said. \"I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case.\" The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. \"What kind of improvements?\" \"Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!”","author":"Steven Moffat","tags":["clara-oswin-oswald","doctor-who","funny","good","humor","the-doctor"]}
{"quote":"“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["aging","funny","humor","women"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I'm going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt. So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to finish this pizza, and then we are going to go watch the soccer game, and tomorrow we are going to go on a little date and buy ourselves some bigger jeans.”","author":"Elizabeth Gilbert","tags":["body-image","funny","italy","jeans","love","self-esteem"]}
{"quote":"“The queen's eyes smouldered. \"I know my own kind when I see them, and right now there is one in these city walls.\" She pointed a finger toward the balcony.\"I want her found and brought to me.\"\"Right,\" said Kai,\"that'll be no problem in a city of two and a half million people. Let me just go dig out my special Lunar detector, and I'll get right on that.”","author":"Marissa Meyer,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.”","author":"Lish McBride,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the Kitchen Bridget was still singing one of her awful sad songs; the lyrics drifted in through the door: \"Twas on an evening fair I went to take the air, I heard a maid making her moan; Said, 'Saw ye my father? Or ye my mother? Or saw ye my brother John? Or saw ye the lad that I love best, And his name it is Sweet William?\" I may murder her, Tessa thought. Let her make a song about that.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me.\" To me he said, \"Put some pants on.\"\"Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.”","author":"David Wong,","tags":["favorite-books","funny","vulgar"]}
{"quote":"“I'm way hot,\" he muttered. \"But I don't feel sick. Just — way hot.\"Fang”","author":"James Patterson,","tags":["fang","funny"]}
{"quote":"“After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you.”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["abby-abernathy","abby-and-travis","beautiful-disaster","bike","funny","jamie-mcguire","sweet","travis-maddox"]}
{"quote":"“He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying.\" - Warren”","author":"Brandon Mull","tags":["burgess","centaurs","funny","humor","patton","warren"]}
{"quote":"“You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","arts","arts-and-humanities","book","books","culture","easy-going","enjoying-art","enjoyment","funny","funny-book-quotes","humanities","i-love-art","i-love-books","i-love-reading","i-love-to-read","laid-back","literature","reading","reading-books","taking-your-time"]}
{"quote":"“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["funny","funny-but-true","humor","humorous","humorous-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.”","author":"Amit Kalantri,","tags":["animal","animal-instinct","animals","clever","cleverness","earth","fun","funny","funny-quotes","human","humans","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","intelligence","intelligent","intelligent-men","man-is-clever","motivation","motivational","motivational-quotes","philosophy","strength","strong","wisdom","wisdom-quotes","wit","witty","witty-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","humour","paperwork"]}
{"quote":"“I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, \"No, but he and Ken got married last week.\" Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.”","author":"James Howe,","tags":["funny","gender","gi-joe","homosexuality"]}
{"quote":"“Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, \"This doesn't mean I like you, you know.”","author":"Chris Owen,","tags":["funny","hot"]}
{"quote":"“Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes.”","author":"Kendare Blake,","tags":["anna","anna-dressed-in-blood","attraction","cas","cassio","funny","love","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["charley-davidson","first-grave-on-the-right","funny"]}
{"quote":"“There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","t-shirt-sayings"]}
{"quote":"“Iggy. This is not a democracy,\" I said,(...)\"It'sa Maxocracy.”","author":"James Patterson,","tags":["funny","iggy","maxocracy"]}
{"quote":"“1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x”","author":"Holly Smale,","tags":["british","funny","humour","texting"]}
{"quote":"“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adversity","affliction","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","austerity","be-determined","be-persistent","be-tenacious","carry-on","challenge","challenges","continue","deprivation","destitution","determination","difficult","difficulties","dire-straits","distress","doggedness","dream","dreamer","dreamers","endurance","entrepreneur","entrepreneurs","firmness","follow-through","funny","give-up","go-on","go-the-distance","hammer-away","hang-in-there","hang-on","hardship","hardships","hilarious","hold-on","humor","humorous","humour","impecuniousness","indefatigability","inspiration","inspire","intransigence","joke","jokes","keep-at-it","keep-going","keep-on","leave-no-stone-unturned","mental-strength","mentally-strong","misery","misfortune","motivate","motivation","need","neediness","never-give-up","not-take-no-for-an-answer","obduracy","obstinacy","pain","patience","penury","perseverance","persevere","persist","persistence","pertinacity","plod-on","plug-away","poverty","press-ahead","press-on","privation","problem","problems","purposefulness","quotations","quotes","resoluteness","resolution","resolve","satire","soldier-on","stamina","stand-fast","stand-firm","startup","startups","staunchness","stay-the-course","staying-power","steadfastness","stick-it-out","stoic","stoicism","stoics","stop-at-nothing","strength","strength-of-purpose","strong","struggle-on","stubbornness","suffer","suffering","tenacity","tirelessness","travails","trial","trials","trials-and-tribulations","tribulation","tribulations","trouble","venture-capitalist","venture-capitalists","want","wretchedness"]}
{"quote":"“His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing more concerned by the moment.This man looks like a cherry tree chopper-downer.”","author":"Karen Marie Moning,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Keefe shouted, \"YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!\" They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made kind. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, \"I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with this!”","author":"Shannon Messenger,","tags":["funny","humor","keefe","keefe-sencen","keeper-of-the-lost-cities","kotlc"]}
{"quote":"“...she's leaving now....Janis attacks the back door of the school gym and finds herself in a heavy cloud of smoke. She realizes she's found the Goths' hangout. Who knew?\"Oof,\" someone says. She keeps walking, muttering, \"sorry\" to whomever it was she hit with the flying door.***Cabel: ... That was the Goth stage where I decided I'd never get the girl of my dreams because of my scars. Not to mention the hairstyle.(pause)But then she slammed a door handle into my gut. And, when a girl does that to a boy, it means she likes him.”","author":"Lisa McMann,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Elizabeth.\"I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it's a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she's telling me what it is. I try to make the same sounds.\"Ehh..beh.\" I frown. Why is her name-sound so difficult and so long?She frowns right back at me and says it again. \"Elizabeth.\"\"Beh-tah-babaa.\"She sighs and her forehead wrinkles. \"Elizabeth. Eeee-lizzzz-ahh-beth.\"\"Laahh...baaay.\"She taps her chest again.\"Beth!\"The sound is shorter but still very odd.\"Beh-bet.\"\"Beth,\" she repeats.I've had enough. I reach out and touch her should.\"Beh.\"\"Beth.\" I tap her a little harder and growl.\"Beh\", I repeat. I tap her again. \"BEH!\"Her eyes widen a bit, and she inhales sharply. A moment later, her shoulders drop and she sighs.\"Beh,\" she says quietly.”","author":"Shay Savage,","tags":["cute","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Whoa. Not too stiff,\" Cody said. \"Secure, strong, but calm. Like you're caressing a beautiful woman, remember?\"That made me think of Megan.I lost control, and a green wave of smoky energy burst from my hand and flew out in front of me. It missed the pipe completely, but vaporized the metal leg of the chair it sat on. Dust showered down and the chair went lopsided, dumping the pipe to the floor with a clang.\"Sparks,\" Cody said. \"Remind me to never let you caress me, lad.”","author":"Brandon Sanderson,","tags":["epic-fail","funny","humor","slightly-awkward"]}
{"quote":"“They say the content and the cover are the most important things when it comes to a book or a novel, right? I totally disagree – The reader is the most important thing to a book”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","kind","nice"]}
{"quote":"“You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?\" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. \"It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["darco","funny","longbottom","malfoy","neville"]}
{"quote":"“Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["carter-kane","destruction","earthquakes","floods","funny","funny-and-random","giant-snake","humour","ra","rebellious","riordan","riots","sadie-kane","serpent","snake","sun","survive","tornado","tsunamis"]}
{"quote":"“(Aries can be impatient)I wouldn't call myself impatient. I just like to get things done really fast.”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["astrology","funny"]}
{"quote":"“This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.\"\"Tell that to James Bond”","author":"Jennifer Estep,","tags":["aston-martin","comeback","funny","james-bond","web-of-lies"]}
{"quote":"“So hologram means--\" I finally said.\"It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["archer","archer-cross","corporeal","funny","hex-hall","hologram","rachel-hawkins","sexy","sophie","spell-bound"]}
{"quote":"“And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","rick-riordan"]}
{"quote":"“Yes, I'm back,\" he said, \"And look who I ran into.\"Horace grinned at him. \"i hope you ran into him hard.\"\"As hard as I could.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.”","author":"Honore de Balzac","tags":["clever","funny","humour","sarcasism","witty"]}
{"quote":"“I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it”","author":"Terry Lander,","tags":["aspiration","comedy","funny","humour","inspiration","life","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“But Amy,\" Elder says. \"Space suits!”","author":"Beth Revis,","tags":["a-million-suns","funny"]}
{"quote":"“She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar,","tags":["friends","funny","inspirational","love"]}
{"quote":"“Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn't had tripped you, you wouldn't have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had been anyone but Kyo they probably would have been hurt pretty badly, so don't try it at home.Kyo Sohma: Don't try it here and who are you even talking to? ”","author":"Natsuki Takaya","tags":["fruits-basket","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside”","author":"Jessica Verday,","tags":["abbey","comeback","funny","jessica-verday","the-hollow"]}
{"quote":"“It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.”","author":"Elizabeth Cruickshank","tags":["battle-royale","funny","oxymoron","sick","twisted","vioolence"]}
{"quote":"“No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["america","beautiful-disaster","funny","jamie-mcguire","mr-mom","travis-maddox"]}
{"quote":"“Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.'What's this?''Lock of my hair, ' she said. 'Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with all the raiding. You know. Piracy. Hectic life. ''Thank you, love, ' he said.'Now, if you find yourself in trouble wherever you go, you can hold up that little bag to whoever's bothering you, and you can say, \"You have no idea who you're fucking with. I'm under the protection of the lady who gave me this object of her favour. \"''And that's supposed to make them stop?''Shit no, that's just to confuse them. Then you kill them while they're standing there looking at you funny.”","author":"Scott Lynch,","tags":["awesome","funny","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.”","author":"Haven Kimmel,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.”","author":"Barbara Kingsolver,","tags":["funny","humor","love","poisonwood-bible"]}
{"quote":"“Master Kell,” said Alucard, cheerfully. “What an unexpected pleasure, running into you here.” His voice had a natural undercurrent of laughter in it, and Kell could never tell if he was being mocked.“I don’t see how it’s unexpected,” said Kell, “as I live here. What is unexpected is running into you, since I thought I made myself quite clear the last time we met.”“Quite,” echoed Alucard.“Then what were you doing in my brother ’s chambers?”Alucard raised a single studded brow. “Do you want a detailed account? Or will a summary suffice?”","author":"V.E. Schwab,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Now that that's settled, you're coming with me.\"\"Never in a billion suns. Not even if Zeus showed up as a swan and tried to peck me in your direction. I wouldn't go with you even if my other option was Hades dragging me to the Underworld for an eternal threesome with Persephone.”","author":"Amanda Bouchet,","tags":["amanda-bouchet","cat","funny","griffin","humor","kingmaker-chronicles"]}
{"quote":"“Do you see that man in the black Porsche?\" I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. \"Yes,\" they said.\"Your partner.\"\"He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room.\"Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. \"We could use the income.\"She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. \"Is he married?\"\"Nope. He's single. He's a real catch.\"Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. \"Thank you for everything.\" Mrs.Apusenja said. \"I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:\"Omigod,\" Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. \"Ranger's going to kill you.\" The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly.\"Uh-Oh,\"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. \"Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!\" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. \"Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car.\"....He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. \"Feeling playful?\"\"I don't know what you're talking about.\"\"Watch your back babe. I will get even.\"-Ranger and Stephanie”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["connie","funny","humor","ranger","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“Is there any good news?' Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be  good  news?”","author":"Clive Barker,","tags":["despair","funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“Why?' He asked.'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["asshole","babies","clothes","crazy","cute","don-t-tell","don-t-tell-anyone","funny","having-babies","humerous","love","love-hate-relationship","mara-dyer","noah","noah-shaw","random","relationships","rip-off-clothes","secret","sex","shh","why"]}
{"quote":"“I read the title from the cover. ' 'The joy of... crap.' ' I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, 'I have never read 'The Joy Of Crap'. Sounds disgusting.' I blushed deeper. 'I have, however, read 'The Joy Of Sex.' ' He continued, a smile transforming his face. 'Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.”","author":"Michelle Hodkin,","tags":["awkward","blushing","book","classic","cringe","cute","embarrassing","funny","humerous","joy","mara-dyer","noah-shaw","old","romance","sex","the-joy-of-sex"]}
{"quote":"“That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself.”","author":"Cecily von Ziegesar,","tags":["best-friends","book","books","friends","friendship","fun","funny","gossip-girl","happy","knowledge","life","love","quote","quotes"]}
{"quote":"“I think you’re wonderful.” “Wonderful, huh?” “Yep,” I say, and link my arm in his. “You’re smart and funny and kind and — ” “Handsome,” he says. “Don’t forget handsome.\" “And very handsome”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["friendship","funny","juliette","kenji","restoreme"]}
{"quote":"“My tiny scary friend is coming”","author":"Laini Taylor,","tags":["daughter-of-smoke-and-bone","funny","karou"]}
{"quote":"“Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s hand. Off. Why couldn’t guys find a more original way to test each other’s manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their…canines.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Anyway... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse-”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["coach-hedge","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Meet Tony. My first chest hair. I called him Tony as he’s Tony one I got,” Connor laughed.Jason laughed at his joke at first and then as fast as lightning grabbed Connor’s only chest hair and plucked it.“Tony one you had,” Jason corrected.”","author":"Mark A. Cooper,","tags":["connor","funny","jason","jason-steed"]}
{"quote":"“What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!”","author":"Simon Holt,","tags":["aaron","funny","simon-holt","the-devouring"]}
{"quote":"“Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["die-demigod-scum","funny","hilarious","humor","laugh-out-loud","name-badge","random","rick-riordan","the-son-of-neptune"]}
{"quote":"“Isn't that someone we know?\" asked Horace. He pointed to where a cloaked figure sat by the side of the road a few hundred meters away, arms wrapped around his knees. Close by him, a small shaggy horse cropped the grass growing at the edge of the drainage ditch that ran beside the road.\"So it is,\" Halt replied. \"And he seems to have brought Will with him.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","bloodlines","funny","hot","kissing","sydney-sage","sydrian","the-fiery-heart"]}
{"quote":"“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”","author":"David Sedaris,","tags":["funny","holidays","religion"]}
{"quote":"“I'm healthy as an ox. And you?\" \"To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.”","author":"Christopher Paolini,","tags":["eragon","funny","saphira"]}
{"quote":"“There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","funny"]}
{"quote":"“There's no equality in the blow job, if all you ever do is suck at it!”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian-ivashkov","angeline-dawes","bloodlines","cute","eddie-castile","funny","humor","jill-dragomir","swoon-worthy","sydney-sage","sydrian","the-fiery-heart"]}
{"quote":"“I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.. . . Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly. . . . I just wish I knew why. . . .”He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. “I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","gilderoy","harry-potter","humor","lockehart","rowling"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.”","author":"Patricia Briggs,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You've brushed your teeth,\" He says, staring at me.\"I used your toothbrush.\"His lips quirk up in a half smile. \"Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”","author":"E.L. James,","tags":["ana","anastasia","anastasia-steele","christian","fifty-shades","fifty-shades-of-grey","funny","humor","sex","toothbrush"]}
{"quote":"“Barzûl!”","author":"Christopher Paolini,","tags":["brisingr","eldest","eragon","funny","humor","orik"]}
{"quote":"“I had died and woken up in High School Musical”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["abby-abernathy","beautiful-disaster","funny","high-school-musical","jamie-mcguire"]}
{"quote":"“Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten.\"My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. \"It's Cat,\" I repeated firmly. \"Cat Raven.\"\"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","cat-crawfield","catherine-crawfield","funny","halfway-to-the-grave","humor","jeaniene-frost","kitten-tweedy","night-huntress"]}
{"quote":"“So the plan wasn't a clusterfuck, it was just circling the clusterfuck target zone, getting ready to come in for a landing.”","author":"Martha Wells,","tags":["funny","murderbot","sarcasm","swearing"]}
{"quote":"“This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.”","author":"P.G. Wodehouse","tags":["funny","humor","jeeves","wooster"]}
{"quote":"“Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.”","author":"Sandi Lynn,","tags":["funny","humor","periods","psycho"]}
{"quote":"“There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos. ”","author":"Scott Douglas,","tags":["funny","libraries"]}
{"quote":"“Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.”","author":"Douglas Adams","tags":["funny","humor","random"]}
{"quote":"“Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.”","author":"John Green","tags":["author","funny","john-green","quote","true"]}
{"quote":"“What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>”","author":"Deb Caletti,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.”","author":"Robert A. Heinlein,","tags":["cats","funny","humor","kittens"]}
{"quote":"“You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.”","author":"Ned Vizzini,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.”","author":"Stephen King","tags":["funny","gross","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!”","author":"Susan Kay,","tags":["comeback","funny","humor","ironic","irony","satire","sharp","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes? ”","author":"A.J. Jacobs,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!”","author":"John Green,","tags":["car","complaining","funny","graduation","humor","john-green","laugh","laughable","minivan","new","new-car-reaction","new-car-smell","paper-towns","reaction"]}
{"quote":"“Try again, I've gotten much better at detecting your bullshit”","author":"Alexandra Bracken,","tags":["badass","coolness","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.Am I a computer simulation?Does the door swing both ways?How can something come from nothing? How do you know a line is straight?If animals wanted to be eaten, would it be okay?If time stopped then stared again, would we know about it?What happens when you get scared half to death twice?What is creationism?What is ethical?”","author":"Jessica Park,","tags":["funny","humor","philosphy"]}
{"quote":"“Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary”","author":"Simon Holt,","tags":["aaron","funny","simon-holt","the-devouring"]}
{"quote":"“Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?\" she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. \"What's the difference?\"\"A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit.”","author":"Erin McCarthy,","tags":["fairy-tale","fairy-tales","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Ow, Todd? Ow?”","author":"Patrick Ness,","tags":["funny","manchee","ow","todd"]}
{"quote":"“Would you have done that in his place? Would you have left him and gone on?\"\"Of course I would!\" Halt replied immediately. But something in his voice rang false and Horse looked at him, raising one eyebrow. He'd waited a long time for an opportunity to use that expression of disbelief on Halt.After a pause, the Ranger's anger subsided.\"All right. Perhaps I wouldn't,\" he admitted. Then he glared at Horace. \"And stop raising that eyebrow on me. You can't even do it properly. Your other eyebrow moves with it!”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“In this world only the paranoid survive.”","author":"Dean Koontz,","tags":["dean-koontz","funny","paranoid","wise","world"]}
{"quote":"“That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","magnus-chase","samirah-al-abbas"]}
{"quote":"“Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["devil","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'll get them out and come back. I promise.\"\"On your word as a cutthroat and a pirate?\"He touched my cheek once, briefly. \"Privateer.\"Another explosion rocked the grounds.\"Let's go!\" shouted Mal.As we sprinted into the tunnel, I glanced back and saw Nikolai silhouetted against the purple twilight. I wondered if I'd ever see him again.”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["alina","funny","nikolai","touching"]}
{"quote":"“You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["funny","historical-romance","lisa-kleypas"]}
{"quote":"“Always drink upstream from the herd.”","author":"Will Rogers","tags":["advice","funny"]}
{"quote":"“All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand, Constant Reader, and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of.”","author":"Stephen King,","tags":["dark","funny","good-and-evil","light"]}
{"quote":"“Caroline, do you value your neck?\"\"Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?\"\"Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He thinks things through too much.”","author":"Stephenie Meyer,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. \"There,\" she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. \"That should do for a start.\" \"You are a music lover,\" said the wide-eyed cashier. \"No, I'm a kleptomaniac.\" And she dashed out the door. He was so utterly shocked that it took him a moment to run after her. With a meaningful nod in the direction of the astounded Cahills, she barreled down the cobblestone street with her load. \"Fermati!\" shouted the cashier, scrambling in breathless pursuit. Nellie let a few CDs drop and watched with satisfaction over her shoulder as the clerk stopped to pick them up. The trick would be to keep the chase going just long enough for Amy and Dan to search Disco Volante. Yikes, she reflected suddenly, I'm starting to think like a Cahill.... And if she was nuts enough to hang around this family, it was only going to get worse.”","author":"Gordon Korman,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I’m busy, you’re busy, everybody’s busy. I’ve got a lot I want to say to you, though.” “All right,” Pia told her. “Hit me with it.” “First, I’m so sorry about what my uncle Urien did to you guys. I hate him, he killed my family, and we’re going to cut off his head, and then I have to be Queen, but before that happens let’s do lunch, okay?”","author":"Thea Harrison,","tags":["funny","pia","tricks"]}
{"quote":"“No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said.“Tease.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","michael","shane"]}
{"quote":"“CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["fantasy-books","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.”","author":"Maureen Johnson,","tags":["funny","humor","love"]}
{"quote":"“Who are you and how did you get in here?\" \"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.”","author":"Leslie Nielsen","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","locksmith"]}
{"quote":"“The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","nudity","television","values","violence"]}
{"quote":"“Okay, I'll wear the Bite Me shirt,[...]It'll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me.\" I giggle. \"Someone can come up and be like 'Hey babe, what's your sign?' and I'll just point to my shirt.\" Rayne laughs appreciatively and tosses me the tank top. \"Of course they might think you're pointing to your boobs in a 'have at 'em, big boy' kind of way.”","author":"Mari Mancusi,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.”","author":"William Shakespeare","tags":["funny","wit"]}
{"quote":"“You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["boobs","breasts","funny","humor","paper","towns"]}
{"quote":"“When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.”","author":"Amit Kalantri","tags":["anger","angry","angry-people","angry-young-man","being-cool","calm","cool","fun","funny","funny-quotes","human","humans","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","matters","motivation","motivational","motivational-quotes","philosophy","stop","stopping","things-that-matter","wisdom","wisdom-quotes","wit","witty","witty-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish.”","author":"Amy Tintera","tags":["callum","funny","reboot"]}
{"quote":"“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["agony","anguish","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","as-happy-as-a-clam","beaming","beatific","bliss","blissful","blissfulness","blithe","blue","broken-hearted","buoyant","carefree","chagrin","cheerful","cheerfulness","cheerless","cheery","chirpy","content","contented","contentment","dejected","dejection","delight","delighted","depressed","depression","desolation","despair","despairing","despondency","despondent","disconsolate","dispirited","distress","doleful","dolefulness","down","down-at-the-mouth","down-in-the-dumps","down-in-the-mouth","downcast","downhearted","ecstasy","ecstatic","elated","elation","enjoyment","euphoria","euphoric","exhilarated","exhilaration","exuberance","exultant","face","faces","forlorn","funny","gaiety","glee","gleeful","gloom","gloominess","gloomy","glum","glumness","good-spirits","gratified","grief","grinning","happiness","happy","heartache","heartbroken","hilarious","hole","holes","humor","humorous","humour","hurting","impression","impressions","in-a-good-mood","in-good-spirits","in-seventh-heaven","jocular","jocund","joke","jokes","jollity","jolly","jovial","joviality","joy","joyful","joyfulness","joyless","joyous","jubilant","jubilation","jumping-for-joy","lighthearted","lightheartedness","long-faced","low-spirits","lugubrious","malaise","melancholy","merriment","merry","miserable","misery","morose","mournful","mournfulness","on-a-high","on-cloud-nine","on-top-of-the-world","opinion","opinions","over-the-moon","overjoyed","pain","pit","pits","pleased","pleasure","quotations","quotes","radiant","rapture","rapturous","sad","sadness","satire","satisfaction","satisfied","smiling","sorrow","sorrowful","suffering","sunny","the-blues","thrilled","tickled-pink","torment","transports-of-delight","tribulation","unhappiness","unhappy","untroubled","walking-on-air","well-being","woe","woebegone","woeful","wretchedness"]}
{"quote":"“We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally.”","author":"George R.R. Martin,","tags":["a-game-of-thrones","a-song-of-ice-and-fire","arya","feast","funny","george-r-r-martin","ironic","joffrey","prince","sansa","winterfell"]}
{"quote":"“You’re a total catch.” “I know, right? I keep trying to tell people.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["friendship","funny","juliette","kenji","restoreme"]}
{"quote":"“Isobel moved farther into the kitchen, not knowing whether to be relieved that her mother hadn't had an atomic meltdown, or mortified that she'd taken it upon herself to play head chef with the nearest thing Trenton High had to a Dark Lord.”","author":"Kelly Creagh,","tags":["funny","isobel","nevermore","varen"]}
{"quote":"“HERE LIES THE MYSTERY PISSERP.I.P.”","author":"Wendelin Van Draanen,","tags":["funny","r-i-p"]}
{"quote":"“Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["bikes","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","artist","artistic","artists","artsy","creative-people","creativity","eccentric","eccentricity","eccentrics","funny","gadfly","humor","humour","odd","odd-humor","odd-people"]}
{"quote":"“Right. So no plans at all then?\"Jenna frowned. \"Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?\"\"Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry,\" Archer offered.”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["archer","archer-cross","funny","hex-hall","ideas","jenna","rachel-hawkins","sophie","spell-bound"]}
{"quote":"“Maybe we should have gone with him,\" he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight.\"Three of us would make four times the noise he will,\" Halt said.Horace frowned, not quite understanding the equation. \"Wouldn't three of us make three times the noise?\"Halt shook his head. \"Will and Tug will make hardly any noise. Neither will Abelard and I. But as for you and that moving earthquake you call a horse...\" He gestured at Kicker and left the rest unsaid.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . .” “Dead mice?” Reynie suggested. “Perfect,” said Kate with an approving nod. “As quiet as dead mice.”","author":"Trenton Lee Stewart,","tags":["dead-mice-quiet","funny","kate-wetherall","mice","reynie-muldoon","silence","sneaking"]}
{"quote":"“Restaurants are minefields for the socially inept”","author":"Graeme Simsion,","tags":["don-tillman","funny","socially-awkward"]}
{"quote":"“Uh... ,\" Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration.\"I'm kidding,\" I said. \"It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?\"\"Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?\"I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. \"Well, where do you put your elven magic?\" I asked.”","author":"Kim Harrison,","tags":["awkward","elven-charm","funny","ivy","rachel"]}
{"quote":"“I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse.”","author":"Kay Redfield Jamison,","tags":["funny","mood-swings","psychiatry"]}
{"quote":"“I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this.”","author":"joss whedon","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.”","author":"Dakota Cassidy,","tags":["funny","hearing","humor","insanity","richter-scale"]}
{"quote":"“Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.”This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.“I’m not really a little boy,” I pointed out.“Get on my lap, then, big boy.”I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.“Ho ho ho!” he chortled.I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.“Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked.I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.He actually wobbled with joy.“Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”I thought it was obvious.“A message from Lily,” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”“So impatient!” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”—he shifted a little inhis seat—“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”“What?” I asked.He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.”I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.“You know you want it,” he whispered.The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me.I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho!” in my ear. I heard the elf scream, “What the hell!” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho!” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. “Security’s here!” the elf proclaimed. The letter was in my hand, damp but intact. “He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.”","author":"Rachel Cohn,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny","humor","paper","pee","towns"]}
{"quote":"“Don't you want to know what cookies is a code word for?\" \"No! Good God, no!”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["avery","cam","code-word","cookie","cookies","funny","haha","jennifer-l-armentrout","wait-for-you"]}
{"quote":"“We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["affection","conversation","curiosity","fascination","females","funny","funny-but-true","humor","intrigue","males","men","mystery","nuts","punch-line","punchline","relationships","sense-of-humor","understanding","women","wondering"]}
{"quote":"“It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Stick.\" I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. \"Stick. where?\" He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked in perfect English, \"why are you talking like that?”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair and smiled. “Quit it. You’re fucking beautiful.”“Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["abby-abernathy","beautiful-disaster","eighties-rock-video","funny","jamie-mcguire","travis-maddox"]}
{"quote":"“He stepped back with exaggerated courtesy. But when I walked past him, he swatted my rump. Hard enough to sting.“You need to be more careful,” he growled. “Keep interfering in my business and you might get hurt.”I said sweetly as I continued to Jesse's room, “The last man who swatted me like that is rotting in his grave.”“I have no doubt about it.” His voice was more satisfied then contrite.”","author":"Patricia Briggs,","tags":["adam-hauptman","funny","mercy-thompson"]}
{"quote":"“And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["advice","funny","weapons"]}
{"quote":"“Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around”","author":"Lisa McMann,","tags":["funny","humor","lisa-mcmann","wake"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, hell, he'd look hot in a chicken suit.”","author":"Cyn Balog,","tags":["funny","guys","hot","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Royce looked back down at the stream below. \"She doesn't even know me. What if she doesn't like me? Few people do.\"\"She might not at first. Maribor knows I didn't. But you have a way of growing on a person.\" He smiled. \"You know, like lichen or mold.”","author":"Michael J.  Sullivan,","tags":["funny","giggles","hadrian","humor","royce"]}
{"quote":"“This is Sailor Supergirl,” George says. “She knows all about black holes.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Poison.\" he said, deadpan. \"That's an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much.\"She's a treasure.\" Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm.....Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they were out of eaarshor of the gaurd.She's a treasure.\" Poison mimicked, and Bram burst out laughing.”","author":"Chris Wooding,","tags":["funny","laughing","poison","treasure"]}
{"quote":"“The girl says \"Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!\" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, \"Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!\" \"Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!\" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.”","author":"Dave Chappelle","tags":["comedy","funny","girls","sluts","whores"]}
{"quote":"“I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.”","author":"Phil Plait","tags":["anti-intellectualism","facts","funny","humor","ignorance","inspiration","intellectualism","opinion","uninformed","uninformed-opinion"]}
{"quote":"“I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.\"\"Shakespeare,\" Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.”","author":"Ellen Raskin,","tags":["bible","funny","meta","shakespeare"]}
{"quote":"“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.”","author":"Wally Wang","tags":["funny","humor","work"]}
{"quote":"“When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["belief","funny","humor","prudence"]}
{"quote":"“Besides, if you ever did eat some bad food, I could still find a use for you. I've always wanted a cat-drawn carriage.\"Cheshire opened one eye, his pupil slitted and unamused. \"I would dangle balls of yarn and fish bones out in front to keep you moving.\"He stopped purring long enough to say, \"You are not as cute as you think you are, Lady Pinkerton.”","author":"Marissa Meyer,","tags":["banter","catherine-pinkerton","cheshire","cheshire-cat","funny","heartless"]}
{"quote":"“The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and...\"And his arm looked like an eggplant,\" Clary muttered to herself in exasperation.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["clary-fray","funny","mortal-instruments","simon-lewis"]}
{"quote":"“How much detention did you get?\"Two weeks. One per arsehole.”","author":"Stephanie Perkins,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I shot him a look. \"That bouncer was really big.\"His lips quirked. \"Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.\"\"What?\"The grin spread. \"I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know.\" he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous","humour"]}
{"quote":"“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.”","author":"Yogi Berra","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.”","author":"Erin McCarthy,","tags":["cute","funny","hot","humor","love","relationships","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","funny"]}
{"quote":"“The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.”","author":"Don Roff","tags":["art","funny","humor","inspirational","life","nature","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Our nannas are losers.”","author":"Barbara Park,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and \"guring out the order in which he would then eat them. “I like thebrown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I’m not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spiceone is the best.”“The what?”“The lebkuchen spice one.” He held it up for me. “This one.”“You’re making that up. What’s a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name eesLebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies...”“Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.”","author":"David Levithan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["artists","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.”","author":"Karl Pilkington,","tags":["funny","humor","stupidity"]}
{"quote":"“The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.”","author":"Mark Twain","tags":["funny","humor","mark","twain"]}
{"quote":"“Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["apology","funny","humor","sarcasm","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Look, why don't you go talk to Ron about all this?\" Harry asked.\"Well, I would, but he's always asleep when I go and see him!\" said Lavender fretfully.\"Is he?\" said Harry, surprised, for he had found Ron perfectly alert every time he had been up to the hospital wing.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","lavender-brown","poison","ron"]}
{"quote":"“Did you know that Gideon and I were trained in Krav Maga?\" Charlotte took another step closer to me, and I automatically took one back.\"No, but did \/you\/ know that at this moment you look like that crazy rodent in Ice Age?”","author":"Kerstin Gier,","tags":["charlotte","emerald","funny","green","gwyneth"]}
{"quote":"“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.”","author":"Mark Twain","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by our mothers, or vice versa.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana,","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","bachelor","bachelors","birth","born","boyfriend","boyfriends","breakup","breakups","childfree","childless","deep","dictum","dictums","divorce","divorces","epigram","epigrams","ex","exes","father","fatherhood","fathers","funny","girlfriend","girlfriends","gnome","gnomes","humor","humorous","humour","husband","husbands","insightful","made-me-think","make-you-think","marriage","married","maxim","maxims","mom","moms","mother","mothers","philosopher","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","relationship","relationships","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","selfish","selfishness","single","south-africa","south-african","thought-provoking","thoughtful","trouble","troubled","wife","wives","world"]}
{"quote":"“Little James Herondale, age two, was in fact holding a dagger quite well. He stabbed it into a sofa cushion, sending out a burst of feathers. \"Ducks,\" he said, pointing at the feathers.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["ducks","funny","tmi-inside-joke"]}
{"quote":"“The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“And tell them what?\" Jace said witheringly. \"That invisible people are bothering you? Trust me, little girl, the police aren't going to arrest someone they can't see”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["clace","clary-fray","funny","jace-herondale","mundanes"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny","hassan"]}
{"quote":"“Simon didn’t think Meg really wanted to know how to eviscerate a rabbit. He could be wrong about that, but he just couldn’t picture Meg pouncing on a bunny and ripping it open with her teeth.Maybe if he tried harder to picture it?”","author":"Anne Bishop,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","little-old-lady","pimp-slapped"]}
{"quote":"“Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash.”","author":"Koushun Takami,","tags":["funny","kazuo","violin"]}
{"quote":"“I never meant it,\" he was saying. \"Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","ghost-town","humor","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"““Fuck! ” I shouted and everyone at the espresso counter looked over at us. “Half a million dollars?” Lee dropped his foot and turned to me. “Roxie, calm down.”“Half a million dollars and he bought me cheese puffs and took me to that sleaze bag motel? I’m gonna fucking kill that motherfucker!” I yelled.“Roxie –”I slammed my fists on my knees. “The least he could have done was bind my wrists with VELVET ROPE. He sure could have afforded it. Stupid jerk.”","author":"Kristen Ashley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“And he paddled away in his douche canoe.”","author":"Joe Hill,","tags":["funny","joe-hill","nos4a2"]}
{"quote":"“Oh,\" she said, in a very different way. \"Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.”","author":"Sarah Rees Brennan,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["badass","emma-carstairs","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to \"A lying liar who lies.\" Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["alec-lightwood","apartment","cassandra-clare","city-of-lost-souls","funny","humor","neighbors","new-york","romance-relationship","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.”","author":"Jim Butcher,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["charley-davidson","darynda-jones","funny","shoot-out"]}
{"quote":"“The tavern keeper, a wiry man with a sharp-nosed face, round, prominent ears and a receding hairline that combined to give him a rodentlike look, glanced at him, absentmindedly wiping a tankard with a grubby cloth. Will raised an eyebrow as he looked at it. He'd be willing to bet the cloth was transferring more dirt to the tankard then it was removing. \"Drink?\" the tavern keeper asked. He set the tankard down on the bar, as if in preparation for filling it with whatever the stranger might order. \"Not out of that,\" Will said evenly, jerking a thumb at the tankard. Ratface shrugged, shoved it aside and produced another from a rack above the bar. \"Suit yourself. Ale or ouisgeah?\" Ousigeah, Will knew, was the strong malt spirit they distilled and drank in Hibernia. In a tavern like this, it might be more suitable for stripping runt than drinking. \"I'd like coffee,\" he said, noticing the battered pot by the fire at one end of the bar. \"I've got ale or ouisgeah. Take your pick.\" Ratface was becoming more peremptory. Will gestured toward the coffeepot. The tavern keeper shook his head. \"None made,\" he said. \"I'm not making a new pot just for you.\" \"But he's drinking coffee,\" Will said, nodding to one side. Inevitably the tavern keeper glanced that way, to see who he was talking about. The moment his eyes left Will, an iron grip seized the front of his shirt collar, twisting it into a knot that choked him and at the same time dragged him forward, off balance, over the bar,. The stranger's eyes were suddenly very close. He no longer looked boyish. The eyes were dark brown, almost black in this dim light, and the tavern keeper read danger there. A lot of danger. He heard a soft whisper of steel, and glancing down past the fist that held him so tightly, he glimpsed the heavy, gleaming blade of the saxe knife as the stranger laid it on the bar between them. He looked around for possible help. But there was nobody else at the bar, and none of the customers at the tables had noticed what was going on. \"Aach...mach co'hee,\" he choked. The tension on his collar eased and the stranger said softly, \"What was that?\" \"I'll...make...coffee,\" he repeated, gasping for breath. The stranger smiled. It was a pleasant smile, but the tavern keep noticed that it never reached those dark eyes. \"That's wonderful. I'll wait here.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.”","author":"Natalia Kills","tags":["bad-ass","bitch","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . .”“And from now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die — I’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["divination","funny","harry-potter","o-w-l-s","ron-weasley"]}
{"quote":"“Claire said. “I might be able to get him to stop.” “Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off,” Shane said. “I kind of worry.”She couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah?”“A little bit.”“That’s …nice.”He studied her, and returned the smile. “Yeah,” he said. “Kind of is, actually.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","teacher","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.”","author":"Tessa Dare,","tags":["a-night-to-surrender","dare","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“When does anyone in the world utter those (Harmlessly flirting) words? When they're caught doing something wrong, right? Then how the fuck is it EVER considered harmless, if someone is ALWAYS going to be hurt by those words being said? There's NO harmless in harmless flirting and the sooner the world agrees with this, the sooner people will stop getting hurt by it being said all the bloody time!”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","truth-of-life"]}
{"quote":"“You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar\/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.”","author":"Jen Lancaster,","tags":["empowerment","funny","weight"]}
{"quote":"“Ladies and gentleman,\" he said over the speakers, \"welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I'd like to go over the safety features of this aircraft. It has an engine, to make us go, and wings, to keep us in the air. There are seatbelts, which won't do you an awful lot of good if we fly into the side of a mountain.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["air","craft","fly","funny","malifecent","plane","rules","safety","tanith"]}
{"quote":"“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”","author":"Robert Orben","tags":["breakfast","cereal","chocolate","funny","humor","old","times"]}
{"quote":"“So I have. Let me hold the baby, Scarlett. Oh, I know how to hold babies. I have many strange accomplishments. Well, he certainly looks like Frank. All except the whiskers, but give him time.”“I hope not. It’s a girl.”","author":"Margaret Mitchell,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You can go back to blacksmithing in Hintindar and live a quiet happy life. Do me a favor and marry some pretty farm girl and train your son to beat the crap out of imperial knights.\"\"Sure,\" Hadrian told him. \"And with any luck he'll make friends with a cynical burglar who'll do nothing but torment him.”","author":"Michael J.  Sullivan,","tags":["funny","hadrian","humor","royce"]}
{"quote":"“Google “brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?”","author":"COLSON WHITEHEAD","tags":["awesome","brooklyn","funny","writers"]}
{"quote":"“Don't be afraid to be afraid. Have fear, and then conquer the shit out of it.”","author":"D. Antoinette Foy","tags":["afraid","d-antoinette-foy","fear","fearless","free","funny","happy","inspire","life","life-quote","live","motivation","poem","poetry","positive","quote","read","truth"]}
{"quote":"“I mean, drink driving is bad, drug driving is bad, but what is driving whilst under the influence of a fuc%ing nymphomaniac in your lap? How many years will this get me, if I do manage to keep my eyes on the road and not drive us off it first?”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","humourous-situations","uck-it-list"]}
{"quote":"“CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period…literally.”","author":"Ronda Thompson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Pritkin muttered something that sounded fairly vicious. “My clothes are warded! Even if I wished to accede to your demand, it would not work on them.”“Then strip.”“I beg your pardon?” He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn’t possibly have heard right.”","author":"Karen Chance,","tags":["cassie","funny","pritkin"]}
{"quote":"“I lost my balance when the train pulled away, but a human crumple zone buffered my fall. We stayed like that, half fallen. Diagonal People.”","author":"David Mitchell,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Larry’s such a liar---He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three feet two.He says he has a billion dollars‘Stead of just a dime.He says he rode a dinosaurBack in some distant time.He says his mother is the moonWho taught him magic spells.He says his father is the windThat rings the morning bells.He says he can take stones and rocksAnd turn them into gold.He says he can take burnin’ fireAnd turn it freezin’ cold.He said he’d send me seven elvesTo help me with my chores.But Larry’s such a liar---He only sent me four.”","author":"Shel Silverstein","tags":["funny","humor","poem"]}
{"quote":"“Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["egged","funny","gus","issac","the-fault-in-our-stars"]}
{"quote":"“You eat like a caveman.\"\"No, I don't,\" he says angrily. And then, a moment later: \"Do I?\"Warner to Kenji”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["defy-me","friendship","funny","kenji","warner"]}
{"quote":"“I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.”","author":"Nancy Springer","tags":["enola","funny","holmes","mysteries","nancy","springer","witty"]}
{"quote":"“. . . and together you're what, the Super Friends?”","author":"Mark Jeffrey","tags":["funny","max-quick","two-travelers"]}
{"quote":"“Behind me, Marc made a soft whistling sound, clearly impressed. “That’s not standard procedure,” he said, his tone entirely too reasonable as he leaned over the stray’s body to open the back passenger-side door. “Yeah, well, I’m not your standard enforcer.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Dallas popped his jaw. “I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["alien-huntress","funny"]}
{"quote":"“First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' (...) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully.”","author":"Rachel Aaron,","tags":["funny","humor","rules-to-live-by","witty"]}
{"quote":"“One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","weasley-twins"]}
{"quote":"“When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["cheerleading","funny","joke","kate"]}
{"quote":"“He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to his feet unexpectedly, waving his saxe knife around like a lunatic.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I look like a biker slut from hell meets soldier of fortune pinup.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manchee.”I’d better not get another ruddy dog when my birthday comes. What I want this year is a hunting knife like the one Ben carries on the back of his belt. Now that’s a present for a man.“Poo,” Manchee’s says quietly.”","author":"Patrick Ness,","tags":["funny","manchee","poo"]}
{"quote":"“I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt”","author":"dannika dark,","tags":["funny","humor","hunt","juicy","mage","paranormal","sexy","simon","steak","suggestive","urban-fantasy"]}
{"quote":"“Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.”","author":"Benedict Cumberbatch","tags":["begging","follicles","funny","hair","knees","mercy","wrong"]}
{"quote":"“Instead of finding himself in nerd heaven—where every nerd gets fifty-eight virgins to role-play with—he woke up in Robert Wood Johnson with two broken legs and a separated shoulder, feeling like, well, he'd jumped off the New Brunswick train bridge.”","author":"Junot Diaz","tags":["funny","heaven","nerd","suicide","virgin"]}
{"quote":"“Looks like he's lost a guinea and found a farthing,\" Horace said, then added, unnecessarily, \"Will, I mean.\"Halt turned in his saddle to regard the younger man and raised an eyebrow.\"I may be almost senile in your eyes, Horace, but there's no need to explain the blindly obvious to me. I'd hardly have thought you were referring to Tug.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm jealous of your hooks,\" Kevin replied. \"Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands.\"Don't be ridiculous,\" one of the white-faced women replied. \"Having a white face is worse than both of your situations.\"\"But you have a white face because you put makeup on,\" Colette said, as Sunny climbed back out of the trunk and knelt down in the snow. \"You're putting powder on your face right now.”","author":"Lemony Snicket,","tags":["a-series-of-unfortunate-events","funny","humor","lemony","slippery-slope","snicket"]}
{"quote":"“I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.\"Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought...”","author":"Janette Rallison,","tags":["backflip","basketball","fall","falling","funny","gymastics","high-school","humor","tripping","wnba"]}
{"quote":"“I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.”","author":"J.L. Langley,","tags":["funny","payton"]}
{"quote":"“She's fifteen!\"Nash shrugged. \"That's just a number. It doesn't say anything about her.\"\"It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ!\" I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him. \"Fifteen is too young to drive, too young to get a legal job, too young to sign a lease, and obviously too young to pick a boyfriend with half a brain.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny","nash","tod"]}
{"quote":"“Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.”","author":"Russell Brand","tags":["chatting","funny","life","youth"]}
{"quote":"“You have the maturity of a 14-year-old boy!“ Kennedy hisses.\"And you have the chest of one.”","author":"Emma Chase,","tags":["brent-mason","enemies-to-lovers","funny","lawyers","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“Foul!\" yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. \"Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.”","author":"Sarah Rees Brennan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?”","author":"Christine Feehan,","tags":["after-the-music","funny","jessica"]}
{"quote":"“Are you stupid?” Seth asked.“Yeah,” Neil said.”","author":"Nora Sakavic,","tags":["aftg","all-for-the-game","funny","neil-josten","seth-gordon","tfc","the-foxhole-court"]}
{"quote":"“A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.”","author":"Pawan Mishra,","tags":["funny","humor","husband","longing","marriage","marriage-advice","marriage-humor","marriage-issues","peace","relationship","want","wife"]}
{"quote":"“she committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm.”","author":"David Foster Wallace,","tags":["funny","suicide"]}
{"quote":"“Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.”","author":"Jennifer Crusie,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["aggravating","annoy","annoying","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","aplomb","assertive","assertiveness","assured","at-ease","bashful","bashfulness","boldness","bothersome","can-do","confident","coolheaded","courage","coyness","cursed","demureness","diffidence","diffident","embarrassed","embarrassment","exasperating","extrovert","extroverted","farouche","funny","galling","girl","girls","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","imperturbable","infuriating","inhibited","insecure","introversion","introvert","introverted","irksome","irritate","irritating","irritation","joke","jokes","lack-of-confidence","levelheaded","maddening","man","men","mettle","mousiness","mousy","nerve","nervous","nettlesome","obnoxious","pesky","phlegm","phlegmatic","poise","poised","positive","quotations","quotes","repressed","reserve","reserved","reservedness","reticence","reticent","retiring","satire","self-assurance","self-assured","self-confidence","self-confident","self-conscious","self-consciousness","self-effacing","self-possessed","self-possession","self-reliant","sheepish","sheepishness","shy","shyness","timid","timidity","timidness","timorous","timorousness","tiresome","together","troublesome","trying","unconfident","unperturbed","unruffled","vexatious","vexing","withdrawn"]}
{"quote":"“Prithee,\" He protested, \"if thou wouldst waiteth a goddamned second-”","author":"Tessa Dare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We're too different now. We want different things. And this?\" I say nodding at our hands. \"All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["burn","funny","ignite-me","juliette-ferrars","sassiness"]}
{"quote":"“No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["bullies","bully","cruel-world","dignity","double-cross","envy","expectation","fools","forgiveness","friendliness","funny","funny-but-true","genuine","guidance","haters","hatred","humility","humor","ignorance","imbecile","jealousy","kindness","life","love","mean","meekness","meekness-strength","naivety","niceness","peace","people","preparation","pride","readiness","spite","strength","stupidity","stupidity-of-man","unkindness","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“I like to live every day like it's my last.\"Shallan nodded.\"And by that I mean lying in a puddle of my own urine, calling for the nurse to bring me more pudding.”","author":"Brandon Sanderson,","tags":["funny","hoid","wit"]}
{"quote":"“Try not to trip,\" she added. \"We don't have time for a concussion today.\"I groaned. That would be just like me - ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.”","author":"Stephenie Meyer,","tags":["alice-cullen","bella-swan","funny","new-moon","twilight-saga"]}
{"quote":"“There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult-fiction","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“We…realized that no matter who won the race, we were girls, and we were from Soso, Mississippi, population 434, which meant we were destined to be last in pretty much everything else.”","author":"Karen Hinton,","tags":["biography","career","enraging","funny","government","humour","male-domination","perils","press","weakness"]}
{"quote":"“I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. \"For crying out loud,\" he said. \"It's a racoon.\" \"Poor thing,\" I said. \"It could be a rabid baby-killer,\" Cole told me primly. \"Shut up,\" Sam said pleasantly.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["cole-st-clair","funny","grace-brisbane","prim","rabid","racoon","sam-roth","sarcastic","wolves-of-mercy-falls"]}
{"quote":"“There's a tavern by the docks. He's there most evenings.\"\"Then I'll talk to him tonight,\" Halt said.\"You can try. But he's a hard case, Halt. I'm not sure you'll get anything out of him. He's not interested in money. I tried that.\"\"Well, perhaps he'll do it out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sure he'll open up to me,\" Halt said easily. But Horace noticed a gleam in his eye. He was right: the prospect of having something to do had reawakened Halt's spirits. He had a score to settle, and Horace found himself thinking that it didn't bode well for this Black O'Malley character.Will eyes Halt doubtfully, however. \"You think so.\"Halt smiled at him. \"People love talking to me,\" he said. \"I'm an excellent conversationalist and I have a sparkling personality. Ask Horace. I've been bending his ear all the way from Dun Kilty, haven't I?\"Horace nodded confirmation. \"Talking nonstop all the way, he's been,\" he said. \"Be glad to see him turn all that chatter onto someone else.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die.\"Kate to Will”","author":"Elizabeth Scott,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?”","author":"L.J. Smith,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“And since I’m marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you’re sleeping with Laurel—”“I’m not sleeping with Laurel. We’re dating.”“Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs.”“For a while. Minus the singing.”","author":"Nora Roberts,","tags":["dating","friends","funny","humor","relationships"]}
{"quote":"“Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.”","author":"Tim Tharp,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts,\" he declared. \"I doubt if he could kill a duck.\"Tyrion shrugged. \"Fetch the duck.”","author":"George R.R. Martin,","tags":["boast","courage","dance","dragons","duck","funny","humor","kill","martin","prove","small","soiaf","tyrion"]}
{"quote":"“Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, \"We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever.\" I muttered.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.”","author":"Lili St. Crow,","tags":["apple-pie-boy","chris","dru","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You have food?\" Winter scolded. \"I thought you said you were hungry.\"I'm hungry for other things besides what I have,\" [Clover] argued.”","author":"Obert Skye,","tags":["clover","food","funny","geth","hungry","winter"]}
{"quote":"“I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","manners"]}
{"quote":"“Then I say, \"Let's go and brush our teeth.\" So Lola says, \"But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth.\" \"But who would use your toothbrush?\" I ask. Lola says \"I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it.\" \"But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?\" \"Oh,\" says Lola, \"he must be using yours.”","author":"Lauren Child,","tags":["children","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I shook my head. She kissed my cheek, then on her way out patted Zachary's shoulder in a way that said, If you upset Aura in her weakened state, I will end you.”","author":"Jeri Smith-Ready,","tags":["funny","shade"]}
{"quote":"“The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.”","author":"Nia Vardalos","tags":["funny","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“Pleased to meet you.\" Sage said, offering his hand. \"The pleasure is all mine,\" Rayna Purred. \"Unless ofcourse, it's all Clea's which is even better.\"Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was highly entertaining.”","author":"Hilary Duff,","tags":["clea","funny","rayna","sage","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?\"\"Not stolen,\" said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat.\"Almost stolen,\" Gracious corrected.\"Semi-stolen,\" said Donegan.\"Quasi-stolen,\" said Gracious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. \"So is it stolen or not?\"Donegan and Gracious hesitated.\"Yes,\" they both said together.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","humor","maleficent","pilot","planes","skulduggery","tanith-lee"]}
{"quote":"“Donegan Bane and Gracious O'Callahan - the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it's sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and  Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["darquesse","funny","girl","gracious","humour","hunting","low","monster","skulduggery","tanith","valkyrie","wolf"]}
{"quote":"“Well Connor thought ruefully  At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues.”","author":"Justin Somper,","tags":["comical","connor","funny","vampirates"]}
{"quote":"“And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.”","author":"Meg Cabot,","tags":["funny","humor","new-jersey"]}
{"quote":"“A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","antinatalism","antinatalist","antinatalists","anxiety","anxious","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","casket","caskets","coffin","coffins","dead","death","deep","depress","depressing","dictum","dictums","dying","enjoy","enjoyment","epigram","epigrams","eulogies","eulogy","funeral","funerals","funny","gnome","gnomes","humor","humorous","humour","hurt","hurting","immortal","immortality","insightful","joy","lament","laments","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","mortal","mortality","pain","philosopher","pleasure","pleasures","premature","premature-death","premature-deaths","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","rob","robbed","robber","robbers","robbing","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","south-africa","south-african","stress","suffer","suffering","thought-provoking","thoughtful","worried","worry","worrying"]}
{"quote":"“this was business.”","author":"Eoin Colfer,","tags":["bodyguard","clumsy","fairies-leprecon","funny","genius","mental"]}
{"quote":"“Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“You said you'd give me half an hour!''And you said you'd satisfy me whenever I wanted it. I want it now.' He removed is jacket. 'Drop the towel.''I-I never agreed to be naked!”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","naked","towel"]}
{"quote":"“A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","idealism","love","men-and-women"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”","author":"Hillary Rodham Clinton","tags":["funny","stupid","wow"]}
{"quote":"“Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can't feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge, but I wasn't feeling a thing and it was beautiful.”","author":"Harper Sloan,","tags":["funny","heels"]}
{"quote":"“All right,\" Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. \"Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?\" Okay, so I'm a little distracted. \"He's doing the back stroke.”","author":"Tera Lynn Childs,","tags":["dolphins","funny","swimming"]}
{"quote":"“You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["carlos-fuentes","conversation","funny","humor","kiara-westford"]}
{"quote":"“Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die  doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?”","author":"Lilith Saintcrow,","tags":["banter","death","funny","humor","life"]}
{"quote":"“Everything has taken on a strange, distant quality - the sounds of running and shouting outside get warped and weird like they're being filtered through water, and Alex looks miles away. I start to think I might be dreaming, or about to pass out. And then I decide I'm definitely dreaming, because as I'm watching, Alex starts peeling his shirt off over his head.”","author":"Lauren Oliver,","tags":["alex-sheathes","delirium","dreaming","funny","lauren-oliver","lena-holloway","love","shirt"]}
{"quote":"“Butterfly?\" Will said. \"Why Butterfly?\" \"I believe it's a term of great respect,\" Selethen said gravely. He was very obviously not laughing. Too obviously, Will thought. \"It's all right for you,\" he said. \"They called you 'Hawk.' Hawk is an excellent name. It's warlike and noble. But....Butterfly? Selethen nodded. \"I agree that Hawk is an entirely suitable name. I assume it had to do with my courage and nobility of heart. Halt coughed and the Arridi lord looked at him, eyebrows raised. \"I think it referred less to your heart and more to another part of your body,\" Halt said mildly. He tapped his finger meaningfully along the side of his nose. It was a gesture he'd always wanted an opportunity to use, and this one was to good to miss. Selethen sniffed and turned away, affecting not to notice.”","author":"John Flanagan","tags":["funny","nickname","ranger-s-apprentice"]}
{"quote":"“Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. \"Black bear,\" he repeated. \"It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle.\" \"I'd guess so,\" Will put in. \"I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny","nickname","ranger-s-apprentice"]}
{"quote":"“They really hate you, yes they do. They hate everyone, how 'bout you?”","author":"Kami Garcia,","tags":["cheerleading","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Aaaaw,\" squealed Iko. \"Did Wold just say he loves Scarlet? That's so cute!\"Scarlet cringed. \"He did not - that wasn't -\" She balled her fists against her sides. \"Can we get back to these soldiers that are being rounded up, please?\"\"Is she blushing? She sounds like she's blushing.\"\"She's blushing.\" Thorne confirmed, shiffling the cards. \"Actually, Wolf is also looking a little flustered -”","author":"Marissa Meyer,","tags":["cress","funny","scarlet-and-wolf","the-lunar-chronicles","thorne"]}
{"quote":"“   ‘I knew it, I knew it, I damn well knew it,’ he shouted. ‘The President was right you’re all infected with this wretched MeMe chromosome even at the dawn of your pathetic little planet’s evolution. You do realise of course there’s no hope for you. It’s all going to be a complete and utter waste of time. You and your little planet are all doomed.”","author":"A.R. Merrydew,","tags":["excitement","fast-paced","full-on","funny","galaxy","gripping","sci-fi"]}
{"quote":"“I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.”","author":"Libba Bray,","tags":["bikini","bikini-wax","funny","girl","girls","girly","humor","humour","shaving"]}
{"quote":"“I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.”","author":"Fran Lebowitz","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. \"How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.”","author":"Lloyd Alexander,","tags":["adventure","comebacks","funny","humor","humorous","silly"]}
{"quote":"“You're dropping the bow hand as you release,\" he called, although Halt certainly wasn't.His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, \"I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.”","author":"Leslie What,","tags":["funny","hermit","literature","simile","wilderness"]}
{"quote":"“Maruman does not loll.”","author":"Isobelle Carmody,","tags":["absurd","accidental","cat","coincidence","funny","humor","humour","internet","lol","lolcat","loll","post-apocalypse","pre-meme"]}
{"quote":"“Oh please,\" Scout said.\"Don't take that tone with me. You know you'd love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to yourself,\" Self, I need a unicorn to run errands and such?”","author":"Chloe Neill,","tags":["funny","unicorn"]}
{"quote":"“I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["biography","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead”","author":"Jeff Foxworthy","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I like eggs and bacon,” George tells me. “But”—his face clouds—“do you know that bacon is”—tears leap to his eyes—“Wilbur?” Mrs. Garrett sits down next to him immediately. “George, we’ve been through this. Remember? Wilbur did not get made into bacon.” “That’s right.” I bend down too as wetness overflows George’s lashes. “Charlotte the spider saved him. He lived a long and happy life—with Charlotte’s daughters, um, Nelly and Urania and—” “Joy,” Mrs. Garrett concludes. “You, Samantha, are a keeper. I hope you don’t shoplift.”I start to cough. “No. Never.” “Then is bacon Babe, Mom? Is it Babe?”“No, no, Babe’s still herding sheep. Bacon is not Babe. Bacon is only made from really mean pigs,George.” Mrs. Garrett strokes his hair, then brushes his tears away.“Bad pigs,” I clarify.“There are bad pigs?” George looks nervous. Oops.“Well, pigs with, um, no soul.” That doesn’t sound good either. I cast around for a good explanation. “Like the animals that don’t talk in Narnia.” Dumb. George is four. Would he know Narnia yet? He’s still at Curious George.But understanding lights his face. “Oh. That’s okay then. ’Cause I really like bacon.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","george-george-george","kids"]}
{"quote":"“Is that all you bought?” His eyes shot to the left. “Um.” I clenched my teeth. “What else?” “A Super Mega Juicer,” he said quickly. “But, Sabina, seriously that juicer is a miracle machine.” “I’m a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don’t do juice.”","author":"Jaye Wells,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","marriage","taxes"]}
{"quote":"“I'd like to thank readers. Every time you open a book, it is a strike against ignorance. Unless you're reading Sarah Palin.”","author":"Libba Bray","tags":["funny","libba-bray"]}
{"quote":"“No one wears buckles anymore, and I decided to get him some real boots next winter solstice.Some sexy guy boots. Yeah.”","author":"Kim Harrison,","tags":["al","funny","rachel","stoned"]}
{"quote":"“I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.”","author":"Jen Lancaster,","tags":["funny","weight"]}
{"quote":"“If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?\" -April\"What?\" -Grace\"The Dynamic Duo!\" -April\"Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace\"Oh Yeah... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred.\" April\"My Alfred?\" -Grace\"Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!\" -April\" *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex\" -Grace”","author":"Bree Despain,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Harley-Davidson,\" she said. \"Sweet.”","author":"Stieg Larsson,","tags":["funny","harley-davidson","lisbeth-salander"]}
{"quote":"“Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["aphorism","aphorisms","belief","beliefs","believe","conform","conformity","critical-thinking","crowd","funny","humor","humour","independent-thinking","insanity","majority","non-conformity","nonconformity","sanity","satire"]}
{"quote":"“She's Prim's size in diameter.”","author":"Suzanne Collins,","tags":["funny","games","hunger","hunger-games"]}
{"quote":"“What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.”","author":"Haven Kimmel,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Most aspects of my training didn’t agree with me. There wasn’t as much bossing around as I’d hoped for, and there was way too much following orders.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Wow, we're identical!”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["fred-weasley","funny","george-weasley","harry-potter","twins","weasley-twins","weasleys"]}
{"quote":"“He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop?...You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world.\"\"No way.\"\"Yes way.\"\"What about the FBI?\"\"Featherweights.\"\"The CIA?\"Mackintosh snorted. \"Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time.”","author":"Mac Barnett,","tags":["cia","fbi","funny","librarians"]}
{"quote":"“Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.”","author":"Cassandra Clare","tags":["clary-fray","funny","gilligan-s-island","jace","laugh","mortal-instruments","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["body","books","cool","culture","desire","emotion","friendship","funny","girl","honesty","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","life","love","music","novel","passion","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","technology","truth","wisdom","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“Why were you watching me change?\" I explain. \"Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?\" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.”","author":"Miranda Kenneally,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","jason-grace","old-man-humour"]}
{"quote":"“I ain't never seen a creature like that before, she says. He's so smart, he's-More, like a person than a bird? I says.Yeah, she says. That's it.Whatever you do, I says, don't tell him that. I'll never hear the end of it.”","author":"Moira Young,","tags":["bird","blood-red-road","crow","funny","maev","nero","saba"]}
{"quote":"“I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","ignorance"]}
{"quote":"“And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?”","author":"Michael Buckley,","tags":["funny","michael-buckley","ms-smurt","puck"]}
{"quote":"“You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.”","author":"MaryJanice Davidson,","tags":["crazy","funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.”","author":"Woody Allen","tags":["death","fun","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Uphill? There's nothing up the hill,\" Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going.\"As a matter of fact, there is. There's a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running below it. The water's deep, so it'll be quite safe for you to jump.\" In his brief glimpse of the river, Halt had noticed that the fast-flowing water cut under the bluff in a sharp curve. That should mean that the bottom had been scoured out over the years. A thought struck him. \"You can swim, I assume?\"\"Yes. I can swim,\" Colly said. \"But I'm going jumping off some bluff just because you say to!\"\"No, no. Of course not. That'd be asking far too much of you. You'll jump off because if you don't, I'll shoot you. It'll be the same effect, really. If I have to shoot you, you'll fall off. But I thought I'd give you a chance to survive.\" Halt paused, then added, \"Oh, and if you decide to run downhill, I'll also shoot you with an arrow. Uphill and off is really your only chance of survival.\"\"You can't be serious!\" Colly said. \"Do you really-\"But he got no further. Halt leaned forward, putting a hand up to stop the outburst.\"Colly, take a good, long look into my eyes and tell me if you see anything, anything at all, that says I'm not deadly serious.\"His eyes were deep brown, almost black. They were steady and unwavering and there was no sign of anything there but utter determination. Colly looked at them and after a few second, his eyes dropped away. halt nodded as the other man's gaze slid away from his.\"Good. Now we've got that settled, you should try to get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["epic","funny"]}
{"quote":"“My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: \"I want a spiritual teacher.”","author":"Elizabeth Gilbert,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.”","author":"Joe Walker (as Voldemort in AVPM)","tags":["funny","joe-walker","supermegafoxyawesomehot","totally-awesome","voldemort","wise-words"]}
{"quote":"“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.”","author":"Tommy Cooper","tags":["driving","funny"]}
{"quote":"“He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)”","author":"Noel Gallagher","tags":["funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Her eyes went so wide they nearly bulged. It was probably wrong of me to find that amusing. Or to want to take a photo of Nicholas with his fangs out and wearing a black cape lined with red satin and then hang it over my pillow in a heart-shaped frame.”","author":"Alyxandra Harvey,","tags":["funny","lucy","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”","author":"Rita Rudner","tags":["explains-a-lot","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","humour","jordan-kyle","the-mortal-instruments","the-mortal-instruments-series"]}
{"quote":"“The Marquis sighed. \"I thought it was just a legend,\" he said. \"Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City.\"Old Bailey nodded, sagely: \"What, the big white buggers? They're down there. I had a friend lost a head to one of them.\" A moment of silence. Old Naeiley handed the statue back to the Marquis. Then he raised his hand, and snapped it, like a crocodile hand, at the Carabas. \"It was OK,\" gurned Old Bailey with a grin that was most terrible to behold. \"He had another.”","author":"Neil Gaiman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.”","author":"Rick Riordan","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The prince set her down and dismissed his valet. The latter left with a bow and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, the prince pulled off his stockings. As he walked toward the amethyst tub, he yanked his shirt over his head.He was lean and tightly sinewed. Her little bird heart thudded.He glanced at her, his lips curved in not quite a smile. The next thing she knew, his shirt had flown through the air and landed on the cage, blocking her view toward the bathtub.“Sorry, sweetheart. I am shy.”She chirped indignantly. It was not as if she would have continued to watch him disrobe beyond a certain point.”","author":"Sherry Thomas,","tags":["funny","iolanthe","titus"]}
{"quote":"“The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife”","author":"Lisa McMann,","tags":["cabel","fade","funny","lisa-mcmann"]}
{"quote":"“I guess being a writer is a little like being a singer, when they're forced to sing that same boring song a million times over to their fans, even though that song was in the charts something like twenty years ago. We must read our book a million times before releasing it, they must sing the same song a million times after release, right? WRONG! It's nothing like that at all, because a song only takes three minutes to sing, whereas the reading of a book takes a fucking lifetime if you hate it already!”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn’t be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["beauty","face","fact","funny","girls","humor","makeup","plastic","society","truth"]}
{"quote":"“Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.”","author":"Eloisa James,","tags":["funny","hilarious","making-fun-of"]}
{"quote":"“Is that what you were doing in my room?” he asks after a moment.I sigh. Why am I telling him any of this? “Yes. I was on assignment.”“I was your assignment?”“Yes.” He hesitates a moment, then grins. “That’s kind of hot.”","author":"Rachel  Morgan,","tags":["creepy-hollow","faerie-guardian","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.”","author":"David McRaney,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospitalroom.“Holy shit!” Icka patted her head as if searching. “You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.”","author":"Phoebe Kitanidis,","tags":["funny","humor","icka","kitanidis","phoebe","whisper","wit"]}
{"quote":"“Let come the forces of night! We will stand!\" \"We will get the hell out of here is what we will do,\" I muttered.”","author":"Jim Butcher,","tags":["courage","fight","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a \"hands-on\" damsel.”","author":"Jennifer Armintrout,","tags":["funny","humor","strength","strong","woman","women"]}
{"quote":"“It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["beard","crux","funny","stupid"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.”","author":"James Dashner,","tags":["alec","conceit","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'd rather have rabies than be in love.\"\"Why?\"\"Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.”","author":"Shelly Laurenston,","tags":["funny","humor-relationships"]}
{"quote":"“In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.”","author":"Johnny Carson","tags":["craziness","entertainment","funny","hollywood","humor","insanity","psychotherapy","psycology","therapy"]}
{"quote":"“you think you've never been wrong before?\"-alex\"sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion. needless to say the purchase was a total disaster\"- brittney\"ill bet\"-alex.\"havent you ever been wrong before?\"-brittany \"absolutely. last week, when i robbed that bank over by the walgreens, I told the teller to hand over all the fifties he had in the till. what i really should have asked for was the twenties 'cause there were way more twenties than fifties\"- alex\"what a disaster\"- brittany”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["alex-fuentes","brittany-ellis","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me,” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.”","author":"Cynthia Hand,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You're Nash's brother. And a grim reaper?\" She blinked again, and I readied myself for hysterics, or fear, or laughter. But knowing emma, I should have known better. \"So you, what? Kill people? Did you kill me that day in the gym?\" She clenched the headrest, her expression an odd mix of anger, awe, and confusion. But there was no disbelief. She'd seen and heard enough of the bizarre following her own temporary death that Tod's admission obviously didn't come as that much of a surprise.Or maybe Nash's Influence was still affecting her a little.\"No,\" Tod shook his head firmly, but the corners of his mouth turned up in amusement. \"I had nothing to do with that. I do kill people, then I reap their souls and take them to be recycled. But only people who are on my list.\"\"So, you're not...dangerous?\"His pouty grin deepened into something almost predatory, like the Tod I'd first met two months earlier. \"Oh, I'm dangerous....\"\"Tod...\" I warned, as Nash punched his brother in the arm, hard enough to actually hurt. \"Just not to you,\" the reaper finished, shrugging at Emma. \"I see you all the time, but you've never seen me, because Kaylee said if I got too close to you, I'd suffer eternity without my balls.\"\"Jeez, Tod!\" I shouted, my anger threatening to boil over and scald us all.The reaper leaned closer to Emma and spoke in a stage whisper. \"She's not as scary as she thinks she is, but I respect her intent.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["cocky","emma","funny","grim-reapers","tod"]}
{"quote":"“What are you waiting for?\" shanna asked. \"He's dying! Do it!\" Conner looked at Angus. \"Ye do it. It was yer idea.\"\"Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it.\"\"I'm no' touching him.\" Conner said.He nudged Phineas \"Ye do it.\"\"I don't even know how!\" Phineas poked at Robby. \"You do it.\"\"Why me?\" Robby turned to Angus. \"Ye're the expert. Ye do it.\"Angus grimaced. \"I'm no' doing it. I hate the bugger.\"\"Stop it!\" Shanna screamed \"You- Forget it! I'll do it myself.\"\"Shanna you don't know how,\" Roman said.\"Gods blood. I guess I have to do it.\" \"You guess?\" Shanna cried \"Are you going to let him die?\"\"He threatens to kill me every time he sees me.”","author":"Kerrelyn Sparks,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?”","author":"Breanna Hayse,","tags":["bdsm","bdsm-daddy","erotic-romance","erotica","funny","kink","spanking"]}
{"quote":"“Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other.About Alex and Brittany.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult-fiction","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“You are hard at work madam ,\" said the man near her.Yes,\" Answered Madam Defarge ; \" I have a good deal to do.\"What do you make, Madam ?\"Many things.\"For instance ---\"For instance,\" returned Madam Defarge , composedly ,Shrouds.\"The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive .”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["dickens","france","funny","humor","mob","revolution","rude","shrouds"]}
{"quote":"“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!”","author":"Ron White,","tags":["funny","humor","inspirational","party"]}
{"quote":"“Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","young-adult","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“To be, or not to be: what a question!”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["existence","faust","funny","humor","marlowe","philosophical-humor","philosophy","philosophy-of-life","questions","questions-and-answers","questions-in-life","shakespeare","to-be-or-not-to-be"]}
{"quote":"“A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. \"Hi,\" she said. \"Hi.\" \"You're really cute.\" \"I don't have any money.\"She spun and walked away. Ah, romance.”","author":"Harlan Coben,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”","author":"Tommy Cooper","tags":["funny","humor","writer"]}
{"quote":"“I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.”","author":"David Gerrold,","tags":["funny","philosophy"]}
{"quote":"“I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I’m hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I’m not, by the way. In case you were wondering. ”","author":"Karen MacInerney,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Aurora sagged. \"Why is it,\" she asked, \"that every time I'm with you two we end up stealing something big?\"\"We always return it,\" Donegan said, a little defensively. \"Maybe not always in one piece or necessarily to the right person but return it we do, and so it is not stealing, it is merely borrowing.\"Gracious looked at him. \"It's a little bit stealing.\"\"Anyone who leaves a private jet just lying around deserves to have it stolen.\"\"It wasn't lying around,\" said Gracious. \"It was locked up tight. It took us an hour to dismantle the security system and get inside.\"Donegan looked at him. \"You're not helping.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["accident","funny","gracious","leave","malifecent","plane","skulduggery","tanith-low","valkyrie"]}
{"quote":"“As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways.\"\"My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with.\"\"It's not so bad,\" Mom says. \"You'll learn to control it.\"\"I'll learn to control my hair?”","author":"Cynthia Hand,","tags":["chapter-2","clara","funny","hair","humor","page-33"]}
{"quote":"“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","adolescent","adolescents","adult","adulthood","adults","africa","african","ancient","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","child","children","dead","death","deep","dependence","dependent","develop","developing","development","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","existence","four-stages-of-life","funny","gnome","gnomes","grandparent","grandparents","grow","growing","growth","humor","humorous","humour","immortal","immortality","independence","independent","infant","infants","insightful","life","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","mortal","mortality","newborn","newborns","old","old-age","old-age-home","old-age-homes","phase","phases","philosopher","prepubescent","process","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","retire","retired","retiree","retirees","retirement","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","senile","senility","south-africa","south-african","stage","stages","stages-of-life","teenage","teenager","teenagers","thought-provoking","thoughtful","young","youth","youths"]}
{"quote":"“Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.”","author":"Doug MacLeod","tags":["funny","humour","random","sinister"]}
{"quote":"“With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nero, we need to talk. Chloe will not get off my ass. I told her,” Amo looked right at Chloe in the eyes, “to walk beside me, but she refuses to even say a word to me.”　　“T-that’s how I walk!” Chloe blurted.　　Elle started laughing; it was too hard not to.　　“Oh, now you can talk because Elle’s around.” Elle only laughed harder. \"I blame you!” He pointed at Elle.”","author":"Sarah Brianne,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Sorry for the delay,\" Vogel said. \"I was required to make a bomb.”","author":"Andy Weir,","tags":["chemistry","funny","mad-scientist","science"]}
{"quote":"“Awesome.\"\"Awesome squared.\"\"Awesome cubed.\"\"Awesome to the power of infinity.\"\"The square root of awesome is-\"\"-Asha.\" We finish at the same time and laugh.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["awesomeness","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?\"Lillian shot her a withering glance. \"Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["funny","historical-romance","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["comedy","comedy-humor","comical","funny","funny-humor","humor","humorous","relationship-humor"]}
{"quote":"“Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["envy","funny","humor","jealousy"]}
{"quote":"“The woman rolled her eyes. “DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance.”Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. “Mating dance?”Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas’s body was a hard wall of heat. “I think we need to discuss this upstairs.”","author":"Nalini Singh,","tags":["funny","lucas","nalini-singh","sascha"]}
{"quote":"“Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.\"Welcome!\" he said. \"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!\"\"Thank you!\"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly.\"Mad?\" said Percy airily. \"He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","harry","potter"]}
{"quote":"“I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.”","author":"Elizabeth Gilbert,","tags":["food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.”","author":"C.C. Hunter,","tags":["born-at-midnight","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.”","author":"Steven Tyler","tags":["cheap","clothing","funny","humor","tacky"]}
{"quote":"“At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you’d have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies.If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn’t bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["butterflies","dali","funny","shapeshifter","white-tiger"]}
{"quote":"“Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny","showalter"]}
{"quote":"“It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?”","author":"Meg Cabot,","tags":["funny","mag-cabot"]}
{"quote":"“The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["brain","communciation-skills","communication","difficult","funny","funny-but-true","humor","men","relationships","thinking","thought-process","understanding","women"]}
{"quote":"“Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?”","author":"Jennifer Rardin,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions.“Good book?” he asked, taking it from her and reading the subtitle, “A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud.But life did not come with a trapdoor. ”","author":"Michele Jaffe,","tags":["embarrassment","funny","teen"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... you were there.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Aelin would likely laughed to see him now. The man who had stumbled out of her room after she’d declared that her cycle had arrived. Now sitting in this fine room, mostly naked and not giving a shit about it.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["aelin-ashryver-galathynius","chaol-westfall","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers were making.”","author":"Kim Harrison,","tags":["funny","rachel"]}
{"quote":"“Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","happiness","humor"]}
{"quote":"“OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!\"*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise..\"Do you wanna hear it again?\"N-no, you'll just hit me again!\"Kyo and Tohru”","author":"Natsuki Takaya,","tags":["basket","cook","fruits","funny","hit","humor","kyo","kyou","loud","noise","smack","tohru"]}
{"quote":"“Most of the time romance isn't even about love, anyway. It's about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from going to bed alone with a vibrator or a cat. Save me from my desperately ordinary life.”","author":"Leah Raeder,","tags":["fantasy","funny","love","romance","truth"]}
{"quote":"“If you call yourself an \"authoress\" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits \"writing\" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook \"friends\" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word \"author\" is no more gender-discrimination than the word \"person.\" Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, \"Hello, I'm a retard.”","author":"Oliver Markus","tags":["annoying","annoying-people","author","authoress","authors","discrimination","facebook","facebook-quotes","feminism","feminist","fifty-shades","fifty-shades-of-grey","fifty-shades-of-grey-humor","funny","funny-quotes","gender-discrimination","grey","humor","humorous-quotes","originality","person","political-correctness","politically-correct","politically-correct-culture","retarded","sexism","sheeple","stupid-people","stupidity","unoriginal","writer","writers","writers-on-writing"]}
{"quote":"“Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock.”","author":"Junot Díaz,","tags":["funny","insane","outburst","whitegirl"]}
{"quote":"“Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don't really want to live in it.”","author":"Elizabeth Gilbert,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Like your zodiac sign?' Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.''No, stupid,' Leo said. 'I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","heroes-of-olympus","leo-valdez","percy-jackson","the-blood-of-olympus"]}
{"quote":"“Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?”","author":"Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If he can't get to the clock, any idea how we deal with this lot?\"\"With great care,\" Donegan suggested.\"How about we run off shout and they follow?\" Said Gracious. \"Then, just when they think they've caught us they fall into our trap.\"\"OK,\" said Tanith. \"And that trap would be?\"\"A big hole we'd dug earlier and covered with branches.'Tanith frowned. \"I thought you were meant to be smart.\"Gracious frowned back at her. \"Who told you that?\"\"Gracious is book smart,\" said Donegan. \"He leaves the real world thinking to people like you and me and small dogs that he meets.\"\"The innocent are often the wisest.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["dead","derek","dog","dumb","funny","landy","last","men","of","stand"]}
{"quote":"“It was time for the mirror pep talk.“Okay, Maggie,” I said to myself after my shower, wiping the steam off the medicine cabinet.“You could eat these kids for breakfast. You won’t, though, because that would be cannibalistic andwrong.”","author":"Robin Benway,","tags":["funny","pep-talk","spy"]}
{"quote":"“I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["adulting","funny","relatable"]}
{"quote":"“Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.”Mikey sighed.“What’s his story?” the wraith asked.“He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.”","author":"Neal Shusterman,","tags":["chocolate","clarence","funny","mikey","nick","wraith"]}
{"quote":"“He said, \" I'm a witch.\"And I said, \"You're a wizard, Harry,”","author":"T.J. Klune,","tags":["funny","wizards"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-grand-uncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.”","author":"J.R.R. Tolkien,","tags":["dragons","funny","hobbits","humor","invention-of-golf"]}
{"quote":"“I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.”","author":"Becca Fitzpatrick,","tags":["becca-fitzpatrick","funny","humor","hush-hush","patch-and-nora"]}
{"quote":"“We must, we must, we must increase our bust.”","author":"Judy Blume,","tags":["funny","humor","mantra"]}
{"quote":"“Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!”","author":"Adam Gidwitz,","tags":["funny","tale-dark-and-grimm"]}
{"quote":"“Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem. Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening.  Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru  [long silence from the other end of the phone] Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you  Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything.”","author":"Natsuki Takaya","tags":["crush","dog","dragon","fruits-basket","funny","hatori","lol","shigure","tohru"]}
{"quote":"“Halt,\" said Horace, \"I've been thinking...\"Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. \"Always a dangerous pastime,\" they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt's unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace waited patiently while they had their moment of fun, then continued.\"Yes, yes. I know. But seriously, as we said last night, Macindaw isn't so far away from here...\"\"And?\" Halt asked, seeing how Horace had left the statement hanging.\"Well, there's a garrison there and it might not be a b ad idea for one of to go fetch some reinforcements. It wouldn't hurt to have a dozen knights and men-at-arms to back us up when we run into Tennyson.\"But Halt was already shaking his head.\"Two problems, Horace. It'd take too long for one of us to get there, explain it all and mobilize a force. And even if we could do it quickly, I don't think we'd want a bunch of knights blundering around the countryside, crashing through the bracken, making noise and getting noticed.\" He realized that statement had been a little tactless. \"No offense, Horace. Present company excepted, of course.”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. \"You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?\"\"Nope!\"\"Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["bran","funny","julie","kate","kate-daniels","magic-burns"]}
{"quote":"“Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.\"I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.\"They're for you.\"\"You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?”","author":"Holly Black,","tags":["funny","hilarious","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael”","author":"Nalini Singh,","tags":["butler","fairy","funny","raphael"]}
{"quote":"“Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","eve-rosser","funny","ghost-town","humor","michael-glass","morganville-vampires","myrnin","rachel-caine","shane-collins","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?”“How does McDonald’s sound?”“Inadequate.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.”","author":"Markus Zusak,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth”","author":"J.A. Saare,","tags":["funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life.”","author":"Tessa Dare,","tags":["embarrassment","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.”","author":"James Patterson,","tags":["flying","funny","humor","lol","smile","smooth","smooth-max","wings"]}
{"quote":"“You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.”","author":"John Madden","tags":["comedy","football","funny","goalline","john-madden","running","sound-effects","teams"]}
{"quote":"“No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.”","author":"Rachel Hawkins,","tags":["demonglass","funny","jenna","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“(Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.”","author":"Charlaine Harris,","tags":["charlaine-harris","debbiepelt","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse.”","author":"Charlie Higson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["belief","crying","evolution","faith","funny","humor","science","short-temper","successor"]}
{"quote":"“Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.”","author":"Theodor Fontane","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.”","author":"Skyla Madi,","tags":["funny","humor","inspirational","skyla-madi","truth"]}
{"quote":"“You guys dated, didn’t you?”“Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.”","author":"Rachel  Morgan,","tags":["creepy-hollow","faerie-guardian","funny"]}
{"quote":"“you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","good-comeback","nick"]}
{"quote":"“Dora can marry anyone she likes when she’s old enough, and I can say with absolute certainty that it won’t be anyone at this table.”","author":"MsKingBean89,","tags":["funny","ironic"]}
{"quote":"“Haskell to QuinlinYou need anything, Quin, absolutely anything, you call me and I'll be there. Remember, friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel. You say the word, and I'll be there with a spanking new shovel. Or holy water and an exorcism ritual. Whatever works.”","author":"I.D. Locke,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“REAL LIFE vs THE MOVIESBreaking Up in the Movies:Boy #1: This isn’t working out, is it?Boy #2: Sort of not, huh?Boy #1: You can’t say we didn’t try.Boy #2: We sure did. Besides, we’re still best friends.Boy #1: Forever.Boy #2: This is terrific pasta.Breaking Up for Real:Boy #1: Are you asleep?Boy #2: Does it sound like it?Boy #1: I’m sorry about the tuna fish.Boy #2: It isn’t the tuna fish! It’s the last six months!Boy #1: You’re an asshole.Boy #2: Let go of my cock.”","author":"Steve Kluger,","tags":["breaking-up","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here.\"Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her.\"That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?”","author":"Gina Damico,","tags":["croak","funny","sexual"]}
{"quote":"“I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up.”","author":"Warren Ellis,","tags":["comic-books","comics","funny","graphic-novels","humor","moon-knight","warren-ellis"]}
{"quote":"“There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.”","author":"Friedrich Nietzsche","tags":["alcohol","booze","christianity","envy","european-history","funny","german","narcotics","philosophy"]}
{"quote":"“Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)”","author":"Lemony Snicket","tags":["funny","humor","lemony-snicket","series-of-unfortunate-events","tea"]}
{"quote":"“Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.”","author":"Tyler Oakley","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“She sighed. Loudly. \"Physical appearance is not what is important.\"Yeah right. Tell that to any girl who hasn't bothered to put on a presentable shirt or fix her hair because she's only running into the grocery store to get a quart of milk for her grandmother, and who does she see tending the 7-ITEMS-OR-LESS cash register but the guy of her dreams, except she can't even say hi—much less try to develop a meaningful relationship—since she looks like the poster child for the terminally geeky.”","author":"Vivian Vande Velde,","tags":["appearance","funny","geek","girls","heir-apparent"]}
{"quote":"“I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.'He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.''What kind of dogs?' I asked.He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.''Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.''Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.'I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","edward","funny","ted-forrester"]}
{"quote":"“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?”","author":"Sarah Mlynowski,","tags":["funny","sarah-mlynowski","std","ten-things-we-did"]}
{"quote":"“Bug spray.” Mosquitoes never bother me, but apparently they eat Tucker alive if he forgets bug spray. So I wear it for solidarity. “All the kids wearit,” I explain to Mom. “They say the mosquito is the Wyoming state bird.”","author":"Cynthia Hand,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.”","author":"Jay McLean,","tags":["funny","humping","lol","sex"]}
{"quote":"“[Kagura is doing laundry and tries to wring out Kyou's shirt causing it to rip in two ]  Kyo Sohma: Tell me what I think just happened didn't just happen  Kagura: My love ! Kyo Sohma: My shirt!”","author":"Natsuki Takaya","tags":["cute","fruits-basket","funny","kagura","kyo"]}
{"quote":"“I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.”","author":"J.D. Salinger,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“She called me ‘my lady,’ ” she told him in a plaintive voice. “I don’t know who that is. I’m no lady.” The last of his fury faded away to be replaced with a quick gleam. He peered under the sheet. “I can attest to that.”","author":"Thea Harrison,","tags":["dragos","funny","pia"]}
{"quote":"“Maybe she should cut the guy a little slack, [...] Maybe Thorne had been a no-show because something bad happened to him on the job.What if he'd been injured in the line of duty and didn't come by as promised because he was incapacitated in some way? Maybe he hadn't called to apologize or to explain his absence because he physically couldn't. Right. And maybe she had checked her brain into her panties from the second she first laid eyes on the man.”","author":"Lara Adrian,","tags":["funny","gabrielle","wry-humor"]}
{"quote":"“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”","author":"George Carlin","tags":["comedy","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!”","author":"Keiko Nobumoto,","tags":["anime","cowboy-bebop","faye","funny","manga","valentine"]}
{"quote":"“He made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. \"Oh thank you so much. That's what every man wants to hear about his name. You might as well call me 'Little Pecker' while you're at it and tell me you would love to have me go shopping with you for feminine hygiene products. Oh and by all means, carry a big, sparkling pink bag with flowers on it and make me hold it.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Why me?\" I blurted out, and then closed my eyes briefly. \"Okay. Don't answer that.\"The food arrived just then一thank God一and the conversation was deterred...for about two minutes. \"I'm going to answer that question,\" Cam said, peering at me through his lashes.I wanted to face-plant my stuffed chicken. \"You don't have to.\"\"No, I think I do.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["avery","cam","funny","j-lynn","jennifer-l-armentrout","wait-for-you"]}
{"quote":"“When you sit that way, you look kind of like a beach ball with a head,” he continued. “Your haircut is really, really bad, I’m probably going to lose my job for helping you this way, and I’m dying to fuck you.” He glanced at her. “That honest enough for you?”","author":"Suzanne Brockmann,","tags":["funny","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“Excuse me?\" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. \"Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.\" \"I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here.\" I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","romance","stephanie-plum-ranger"]}
{"quote":"“Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar","tags":["funny","philosophical"]}
{"quote":"“I sort of fell.\"\"Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["books","falling","feet","fell","funny","greek","haha","humor","lightning","lol","mythology","myths","percy","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“We were surrounded by thirty-foot-tall giants who were about to kill us. Then the sky opened up, and the gods descended.\"\"Grandad,\" the kids said, \"you are full of schist.\" \"I'm not kidding!\" he protested.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","future","hazel-levesque","jason-grace","son-of-neptune"]}
{"quote":"“Most sane human beings who are over the age of six usually act or react not as per what they genuinely feel or really think but in accordance with the expectations of those around them.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana,","tags":["act","adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","believe","conform","conformity","deep","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","expect","expectation","expectations","feel","feeling","feelings","funny","gnome","gnomes","human","human-being","human-beings","humanity","humans","humor","humorous","humour","insane","insanity","insightful","made-me-think","make-you-think","mankind","maxim","maxims","people","person","philosopher","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","sane","sanity","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","south-africa","south-african","think","thought-provoking","thoughtful"]}
{"quote":"“I see uncool people!”","author":"Tonya Hurley,","tags":["fun-read","funny","humor-relationships","love"]}
{"quote":"“If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. ... Choose science.”","author":"Carl Sagan,","tags":["funny","humor","inoculate","life","polio","pray","prayer","save","science","superstition","vaccine"]}
{"quote":"“This is a theater,\" Bertie, annoyed by the inquisition, dropped him onto stage. Several feet of slack cable landed atop the fairy in a slithering heap.\"Oh!\" Peaseblossom said. \"You've buried him alive!”","author":"Lisa Mantchev,","tags":["bertie","eyes-like-stars","funny","lisa-mantchev","mustardseed","peaseblossom"]}
{"quote":"“Getting money from my dad is a finesse job. Luckily, I have finesse coming out of my arse. I barged into his study without knocking, marched across to his desk, and held out my hand. “Give me twenty pounds,” I snapped. “I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!”","author":"Sarra Manning","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If all of your friends are morons is it afelony, a misdemeanor or an act of God ifyou blow their fucking heads off with athirty-eight magnum?”","author":"Bret Easton Ellis","tags":["funny","psycho"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I wish my nose would blow me for once.”","author":"Brian Celio","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)”","author":"Pablo","tags":["chocolate-problems-worry-humor","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["acceptance","funny","planes","self-knowledge"]}
{"quote":"“the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.”","author":"Lemony Snicket,","tags":["funny","science-humor"]}
{"quote":"“Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","artist","artists","artists-life","arts-and-humanities","artsy","career","cornerstone","creative-people","creativity","eccentric","eccentricity","eccentrics","funny","humor","humour","strange","weird","weirdness"]}
{"quote":"“I said, names aren't important,\" he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: \"Do you know what is important?\"Will shook his head.\"Supper is important!”","author":"John Flanagan,","tags":["funny","halt","supper"]}
{"quote":"“Jason hated being an old man.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["blood-of-olympus","funny","heroes-of-olympus","humor","jason-grace"]}
{"quote":"“First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.--Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden”","author":"R.A. Salvatore","tags":["badass","funny","lolz"]}
{"quote":"“Goodfellow snickered.\"Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe.\" Pulling his dagger ,he waved me on.\"After you,your highness.Puck to Ash”","author":"Julie Kagawa,","tags":["ash","funny","puck"]}
{"quote":"“[novan]: bassists are very good with their fingers[novan]: and some of us sing backup vocals, so that means we're good with our mouths too...(~ IM chat with Novan Chang, 18, bassist)”","author":"Jess C Scott,","tags":["asian","asians","bassist","body","boy","chat","chatting","contemporary-fiction","contemporary-literature","contemporary-society","cool","culture","desire","emotion","friendship","funny","girl","honesty","hot","humor","humour","imagination","individuality","instant","life","literature","love","lust","lust-for-life","lustful","media","music","musician","new-media","novel","passion","reality","relationships","romance","self","sex","sex-appeal","sexuality","sexy","technology","truth","wisdom","young","youth"]}
{"quote":"“This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["cannibal","funny","maniac","psycho","running","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“He balled his hand into a fist. \"You are such a bitch.\" \"Woof, woof,\" I said.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["anita-blake","funny","laurell-k-hamilton","richard"]}
{"quote":"“This is precisely why I loathed being a teacher! Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything. Has it not occurred to you, my poor puffed-up poppinjay, that there might be an excellent reason why the Headmaster of Hogwarts is not confiding every tiny detail of his plans to you? Have you never paused, while feeling hard-done-by, to note that following Dumbledore's orders has never yet led you into harm? No. No, like all young people, you are quite sure that you alone feel and think, you alone recognise danger, you alone are the only one clever enough to realise what the Dark Lord may be planning.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","teaching"]}
{"quote":"“I cook better than you,\" Nick corrected absently. \"I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.\"\"I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me,\" said Jamie. \" I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.\"\"I agree, that would be awesome.\" Mae said. \"People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.\"\"You're raving,\" Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. \" I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.\"\"We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick,\" Mae said warningly.\"How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey?\" Jamie wanted to know. \" I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.”","author":"Sarah Rees Brennan,","tags":["funny","monkeys"]}
{"quote":"“Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.”","author":"J.A. Saare,","tags":["dicta","funny","humor","humour","rabbit"]}
{"quote":"“Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.”","author":"Agatha Christie,","tags":["agatha-christie","funny","humor","stupidity"]}
{"quote":"“I moved to assist, but never got the chance. there was some pretty violent banging for a minute, and then a tearing sound. Finally the stall door flew open, and Ray's shirtless body emerged and started bitch-slapping everything in sight.His aim was off, probably due to the difficulty of having his eyes on the other side of the room, but he made up for it with sheer determination.”","author":"Karen Chance,","tags":["funny","headless-body","ray"]}
{"quote":"“Who-who are you?\" Seth asked, hesitantly.\"Wh-what do you want?\" How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I'd only seen the movie like seventeen times. \"I'm Luke Skywalker,\" I said. \"I'm here to rescue you.”","author":"Meg Cabot,","tags":["funny","jess","meg-cabot","movie-reference"]}
{"quote":"“If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["change","funny","humor","treason"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t know who you think you are” — my mother’s voice was low and dangerous — “but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had to — and he wouldn’t stand a chance against my mom.”","author":"Patricia Briggs,","tags":["funny","mercy-thompson","mothers"]}
{"quote":"“Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They're like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous--- and cool like Johnny Depp.”","author":"Janette Rallison,","tags":["funny","janette-rallison","thatsaquote"]}
{"quote":"“She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“I'm done. I'm going to go to bed and read important books about theater.\"\"It would would be easier if you just said porn,\" Scarlett said.\"No idea what you're talking about. But knock first if you need me.”","author":"Maureen Johnson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.”","author":"Thomas H. Huxley ,","tags":["funny","hercules","humor","ignorance","science","science-vs-religion"]}
{"quote":"“Any other iron on you?” he asked impatiently.“Just my tongue stud.”His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.“I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.”","author":"Kiersten White","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian.\"He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. \"I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--\"I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. \"If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","jane-jameson","librarians","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","richard"]}
{"quote":"“Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","cerise","fate-s-edge","funny","ilona-andrews","the-edge","violent"]}
{"quote":"“Mark, some answers to your earlier questions: No, we will not tell our Botany Team to \"Go fuck themselves.\" [...]The data transfer rate just isn't enough for the size of music files, even in compressed formats. So your request for \"Anything, oh god, ANYTHING but Disco\" is denied. Enjoy your boogie fever.”","author":"Andy Weir,","tags":["andy-weir","funny","mark-watney","the-martian"]}
{"quote":"“Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.”","author":"Jennifer Lynn Barnes,","tags":["cheerleaders","funny","sarcastic","toby"]}
{"quote":"“I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["books","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming 'I'm melting.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?”“No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in a fist. “Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three.”Ty rolled his eyes and held out his fist, apparently willing to play. Julian hit his palm three times, and Ty kept time with his fist in the air. But when Julian threw a paper, Ty reached into his jacket with his other hand and pulled his gun, aiming it at Julian.“Ty!” Zane said in exasperation from the front seat.“Glock, paper, scissors. I win.”“You are an ass,” Julian muttered.”","author":"Abigail Roux,","tags":["funny","julian-cross","m-m-romance","snark","suspense","ty-grady"]}
{"quote":"“Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["exhausted","funny","insult","never","unbearable","warner"]}
{"quote":"“As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ”","author":"Tracey Ullman","tags":["aging","funny","knitting","sex"]}
{"quote":"“I'm a whore!\"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. \"You're not wearing any underwear, are you?\"Sara let out a strangled squeal...”","author":"Shelly Laurenston,","tags":["funny","humour","paranormal-romance","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["apollo","burn","funny","hera","roast"]}
{"quote":"“Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","kresley-cole","nix-the-ever-knowing"]}
{"quote":"“Kyo Sohma: One of these days I'll make you say you're sorry  Yuki Sohma: looking bored I'm sorry.  Kyo Sohma: Dammit That's not what I meant Don't you have any shame  Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed Yes I'm ashamed to be seen with you shouting in public. Kyo Sohma: Oh that's it We're taking this outside  Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed We ARE outside you stupid cat.”","author":"Natsuki Takaya","tags":["cute","fruits-basket","funny","kyo","lol","yuki"]}
{"quote":"“When they throw the water on the witch, she says, “Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness”. That line inspired my life. I sometimes say it to myself before I go to sleep, like a prayer.”","author":"John Waters","tags":["funny","inspired","the-wizard-of-oz","witch"]}
{"quote":"“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["airhead","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","around-the-bend","ass","bad","bad-people","bad-person","bananas","batty","birdbrain","blockhead","bonkers","boob","bozo","brainless","buggy","bushed","certifiable","chowderhead","chowderheaded","chump","clod","coot","crack-brained","cracked","crackers","crackpot","crazed","crazy","cretin","cuckoo","daft","dead-loss","demented","deranged","dim","dimwit","dimwitted","dingbat","dipstick","disappointment","disturbed","ditz","dolt","donkey","dope","dork","dud","dullard","dumb","dumb-ass","dumb-cluck","dumbhead","dumbo","dumdum","dummy","dunce","dunderhead","fail","failure","fathead","flake","fool","foolhardy","foolish","funny","galoot","goat","goober","goof","goofball","goofus","goon","half-baked","halfwit","halfwitted","harebrained","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","idiot","idiotic","ignoramus","ill-advised","ill-considered","imbecile","impolitic","imprudent","incautious","informal-no-hoper","injudicious","insane","insanity","jerk","joke","jokes","jughead","klutz","lamebrain","loco","loony","loopy","loser","lummox","mad","mad-as-a-hatter","meatball","mentally-disordered","mentally-ill","mindless","moron","nerd","nincompoop","ninny","nitwit","non-compos-mentis","not-all-there","numbnuts","numbskull","nuts","of-unsound-mind","pea-brained","peabrain","psycho","psychotic","putz","quotations","quotes","rash","reckless","sap","satire","schizophrenic","schlemiel","schlep","schmuck","screwy","silly","simpleton","stark-raving-mad","stupid","thick","thickhead","thoughtless","turkey","twerp","twit","unbalanced","underachiever","unhinged","unintelligent","unstable","unwise","wacko","witless","wooden-headed","write-off","zombie"]}
{"quote":"“The most upsetting thing about Society’s attitude towards disabled people is that many millions of disabled people became disabled while trying to please Society, the very same bitch that secretly regards them as subhuman.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana,","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","attitude","axiom","axioms","bitch","bitches","childfree","childless","deep","dictum","dictums","disability","disabled","epigram","epigrams","funny","gnome","gnomes","humor","humorous","humour","insightful","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","philosopher","please","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","selfish-selfishness","society","south-africa","south-african","subhuman","thought-provoking","thoughtful","upset","upsetting"]}
{"quote":"“Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","telepathy"]}
{"quote":"“You don’t like romantic shit,” Luke remarks and frowns at me.“I don’t like watching you lay the romantic shit on my best friend, pal. It’s disgusting. This,” I gesture around the room with my hands, “is not a movie. But I do like watching Zac Efron, Channing Tatum, and a number of other hot actors lay on the romantic shit in a movie. I have a vagina.”“I’m aware,” Luke remarks earning a glare from Nate. “Although, not first-hand,” he quickly adds.”","author":"Kristen Proby,","tags":["funny","hot","jealous-hero"]}
{"quote":"“To the stupidity of men, \" Dakota said, raising a glass. \"And my brother, who is their king.”","author":"Susan Mallery,","tags":["funny","girlfriend","humor"]}
{"quote":"“My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy”","author":"David Wong,","tags":["funny","lyrics","random"]}
{"quote":"“He's bound to have done something,” Nobby repeated.In this he was echoing the Patrician's view of crime and punishment. If there was crime, there should be punishment. If the specific criminal should be involved in the punishment process then this was a happy accident, but if not then any criminal would do, and since everyone was undoubtedly guilty of something, the net result was that, in general terms, justice was done.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["crime","ethics","funny","justice","punishment"]}
{"quote":"“Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning - after a short detour - when a small naked body barreled into him in one of the main corridors. Steadying the boy with Tk, he looked down. The child lifted a finger to his lips. \"Shh. I'm hiding.\" With that, he went behind Judd and scrambled into a small alcove. \"Quickly!Not sure why he obeyed the order, Judd backed up to stand in front of the alcove, arms crossed. A flustered Lara came running around the corner a few seconds later. \"Have you seen Ben? Four-year-old. Naked as a jaybird?\"\"How tall is he?\" Judd asked in his most overbearing Psy manner.Lara stared. \"He's four. How tall do you think he is? Have you seen him or not?\"\"Let me think...did you say he was naked?\"\"He was about to be bathed. Slippery little monkey.\"A giggle from behind Judd.Lara's eyes widened and then her lips twitched. \"So you haven't seen him?\"\"Without a proper description, I can't be sure.\"The healer was obviously trying not to laugh. \"You shouldn't encourage him - he's incorrigible as it is.\"Judd felt childish hands on his left calf and then Ben poked his head out. \"I'm incorwigeable, did ya hear?\"Judd nodded. \"I do believe you've been found. Why don't you go have your bath?\"\"Come on, munchkin.\" Lara held out a hand.Surprisingly strong baby arms and legs wrapped around Judd's leg. \"No. I wanna stay with Uncle Judd.\"Lara anticipated his question. \"Ben spends a lot of time with Marlee.\"\"I spend a lot of time with Marlee,\" a small voice piped up.”","author":"Nalini Singh,","tags":["cute","funny","judd","lara","snowdancer-pup"]}
{"quote":"“What a schmuck!”","author":"Lemony Snicket,","tags":["children-s-books","funny","kids-lit","lemony-snickets","series-of-unfortunate-events"]}
{"quote":"“A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again?”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["consumerism","funny","hygiene"]}
{"quote":"“A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.”","author":"James Patterson,","tags":["funny","humor","lol","school"]}
{"quote":"“Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","humor","politcal-humor","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind.”","author":"Mario Puzo,","tags":["funny","life","serious","talk-is-cheap","truth"]}
{"quote":"“We are way less likely to love someone just because they love us than we are to hate someone just because they hate us.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","avenge","axiom","axioms","deep","dictum","dictums","enemies","enemy","epigram","epigrams","fair","fairness","foe","foes","friend","friends","funny","gnome","gnomes","hate","hated","hater","haters","hating","humor","humorous","humour","injustice","insightful","justice","likelihood","likely","love","loving","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","philosopher","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","requited-hate","requited-love","revenge","rival","rivals","satire","satirical","saying","sayings","south-africa","south-african","thought-provoking","thoughtful","tit-for-tat","unfair","unfairness","unrequited","unrequited-hate","unrequited-hatred","unrequited-love"]}
{"quote":"“I've taken care of it,\" I saidMy father looked at me, shocked.Then I realized \"taken care of\" had a very specific meaning in his line of work.\"No, no, I mean he's gone.”","author":"paraphrased by Alethia from a book by Son of the Mob","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“And,\" added Mikey. \"she's my sister.\"The others looked at him for a moment, and broke out laughing.\"Yeah, yeah,\" Squirrel scoffed, \"and the McGill is my cousin.\"Now Allie burst out laughing, which made Mikey more annoyed.\"If the McGill was your cousin,\" Mikey said, \"I can guarantee he'd disown you.”","author":"Neal Shusterman,","tags":["allie","cousin","funny","mary","mcgill","squirrel"]}
{"quote":"“I was doing my little stand up shtick, the one I did for pretty girls, so they'd like me quickly and wouldn't try too hard to actually get to know me beyond my role as wisecracking Cameron, the orphan. Maybe it was a little like flirting, but also a kind of protection: Don't get too close; I'm just jokes with substance.”","author":"Emily M. Danforth,","tags":["funny","humour","lgbt","love"]}
{"quote":"“Some people will hate you for not loving them.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","boyfriend","boyfriends","chase","court","courtship","crush","crushes","crushing","date","dating","deep","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","funny","girlfriend","girlfriends","gnome","gnomes","hate","hated","hating","humor","humorous","humour","husband","husbands","insightful","love","lover","lovers","loving","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","philosopher","profound","proposal","propose","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","relationship","relationships","requited-hate","requited-love","satire","satirical","saying","sayings","south-africa","south-african","spouse","spouses","thought-provoking","thoughtful","unrequited","unrequited-hate","unrequited-hatred","unrequited-love","wife","wives"]}
{"quote":"“I’m not going to fucking calm down. I’m going to hunt that bastard down and murderhim.”“Oh fuck,” Hank rocked back on his heels, his eyes went to the ceiling, his hands went to his hips.“What?” I asked.“Nothin’.”“What?” I asked, louder.His eyes came back to me. “You aren’thuntin’ anyone down.”“Wel … no,” I said, staring at him like he was crazy. “I was just saying that because I’m mad as hell. I wouldn’t begin to know how to hunt him down.””","author":"Kristen Ashley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adultery","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","cheat","cheater","cheaters","cheating","commit","commitment","concubine","concubines","courtesan","courtesans","date","dating","funny","girlfriend","girlfriends","heartbreak","heartbreaker","heartbreakers","heartbreaking","heartbroken","hetaera","hetaerae","hetaeras","hetaira","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","hurt","hurting","hurts","infidelity","joke","jokes","kept-woman","kept-women","love","marriage","marriages","marry","mistress","mistresses","relationship","relationships","satire","side-chick","side-chicks","side-dick","side-dicks","wedding","weddings"]}
{"quote":"“As libertines we seek to find and provide pleasures for others before pleasing ourselves. Libertines are never boorish, profane or blasphemous. We seek to lessen any cause for offence while maximizing pleasure. After our liaisons, our return is eagerly anticipated, and our departure is mourned. For most men the reverse is the case. In a world where most men are barely on before they are off again, we take the time and the care to be gentle lovers and build the sighs and the panting of true delight.”","author":"Harry F. MacDonald,","tags":["casanova","european-history","fiction","fiction-writing","funny","historical-novel","insight","memoirs","politically-incorrect","revolution"]}
{"quote":"“They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“June cackled with delight, muttering, \"Whoops!\" as a car almost killed them.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","hilarious","humor","june","laugh-at-loud","rick-riordan","the-son-of-neptune"]}
{"quote":"“Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny","humor","laugh"]}
{"quote":"“I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. \"You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property,\" the ghost announced. \"A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!\" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist.”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","fabian","funny","stalling"]}
{"quote":"“You're in a rather odd mood today.\"I'm soaking wet, Eloise.\"No need to snap at me about it, I didn't force you to walk across town in the rain.\"It wasn't raining when I left,\". There was something about a sibling that brought out the eight-year-old in a body.I'm sure the sky was gray,\" Clearly, she had a bit of the eight-year-old in her as well.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“How did you do it?\" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. \"How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper.\"\"He's both,\" Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. \"Tod is very talented.\"Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled.Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. \"Both my boys are talented.\"\"Both?\" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong.Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. \"Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny","kaylee","tod","totally-unexpected"]}
{"quote":"“All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. \"Amy Curry,\" I could still hear him intoning, \"never end a sentence with a preposition!\" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.”","author":"Morgan Matson,","tags":["amy-curry","books","funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["a-hunger-like-no-other","funny","kresley-cole"]}
{"quote":"“Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,'YOU CAN’T KILL MAX MAYHEM!' and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, 'MISSION FAILURE,' but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth.'Saved the kids' he said.'Temporarily' I pointed out.'All salvation is temporary' Augustus shot back. 'I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that’s not nothing.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["augustus-waters","funny","tfios"]}
{"quote":"“Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["arrogance","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["a-bit-on-the-side","a-play-on-words","abstruse","adultery","affair","ambiguity","ambiguous","ambivalent","amour","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","arguable","be-unfaithful","came","carrying-on","catch","catch-read-handed","caught","caught-red-handed","cheat","cheater","cheaters","come","coming","commit-adultery","cuckoldry","debatable","disloyalty","doubtful","dubious","equivocal","extramarital","extramarital-sex","falseness","fling","fool-around","fooling-around","funny","hanky-panky","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","imprecise","infidelity","joke","jokes","language","liaison","obscure","open-to-argument","open-to-debate","orgasm","orgasms","play-around","play-on-words","playing-around","pun","puns","red-handed","satire","secret","semen","sex","sexual-intercourse","sperm","spermatozoa","spermatozoon","sperms","stray","two-time","two-timing","uncertain","unclear","unfaithful","unfaithfulness","vague","walk-on","walked-on"]}
{"quote":"“It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.”","author":"Maggie Shayne,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["abomination","artists","creativity","dr-jekyll","dr-jekyll-and-mr-hyde","funny","funny-but-true","humor","insomnia","morning","mr-hyde","night","sleeplessness","werewolf"]}
{"quote":"“Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.”","author":"Sara Taney Humphreys,","tags":["arguing","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot.”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["abby-abernathy","america","beautiful-disaster","funny","jamie-mcguire","shepley","shots"]}
{"quote":"“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? \"Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.”","author":"Brian Regan","tags":["brian-regan","comedy","funny","i-walked-on-the-moon"]}
{"quote":"“I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder”","author":"Mingmei Yip,","tags":["china","coquettish","courtesan","decadence","funny","geisha","revenge"]}
{"quote":"“And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping byforce.” She sighed, then reached up, dropping her sunglasses down fromtheir perch on her head to cover her eyes. “Do you even realize how happythe average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We’reat the mall. I want to buy you things. It’s like adolescent nirvana.”- Cora”","author":"Sarah Dessen,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake.\" Ash said \"funny how that happens sometimes...”","author":"L.J. Smith,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“That's your solution? Have a cookie?”","author":"Michael  Grant,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult.”","author":"Seth Grahame-Smith,","tags":["funny","honour","pride-and-prejudice-and-zombies"]}
{"quote":"“No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears”","author":"Penelope Fletcher,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.”","author":"Stephenie Meyer,","tags":["bella","funny","twilight","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“Objection!\" Metz shouts.Grounds?\" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,’ said Carrot‘What, in Ankh-Morpork?’‘Yes, sir.’‘We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","innocent-bystander","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.”","author":"Jackie Kessler,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Nero lowered his head to speak in her ear, keeping his hands on her arms to lock her in place. “My problem is simple, Elle. I have a problem with you having no trouble saying thank you to someone else. I have a problem with you wrapping your arms around someone else. And I have a big fucking problem with you not minding kissing someone else. Not one fucking time have you done any of those things to me without my asking, or just doing it because you want to, not because I want you to.”","author":"Sarah Brianne,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with on a rainy afternoon, and the other is found in the muck at the bottom of polluted rivers and has bits of debris sticking to it.”","author":"T. Kingfisher","tags":["fantasy","funny","goblins","tea"]}
{"quote":"“Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["ambiguity","ambiguous","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","comprehend","comprehension","ear","ears","eye","eyeglasses","eyes","funny","gaze","gazing","general-semantics","glasses","hear","hearing","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","joke","jokes","language","look","looking","misunderstand","misunderstanding","satire","see","seeing","semantics","sight","spectacles","understand","understanding"]}
{"quote":"“Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that,” Garrett said gruffly. “You’ll have me convinced I’m going to die.”“You’re not?”","author":"Maya Banks,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“I will make thee think thy swan a crow.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","mardi-gras"]}
{"quote":"“If I let you go are you going to hit me again?”“What do you think?”“Then I’m not going to let you go.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","tv-reference"]}
{"quote":"“Who’s there?”“The scratcher of your itch,” he said.She opened the door a crack and stuck her nose out. “Was that supposed to be romantic?”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["candidate","election","freedom","funny","funny-but-true","humor","leadership","masses","politics","respect","theory","tyranny","voice","voting"]}
{"quote":"“We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.It could rain in a room this big.”","author":"Hugh Laurie,","tags":["description","enormous","funny","hyperbole","rooms"]}
{"quote":"“I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["ants","building","coloring","funny","purple"]}
{"quote":"“Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.”","author":"Victor J. Stenger","tags":["con","con-men","death","deceit","funny","humor","humorous","lies","life","refund"]}
{"quote":"“If the morning never comes, because the night before didn't end, then surely it's harder to feel like shit the next day if you don't sleep”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["factual-wisdom","funny"]}
{"quote":"“There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose.\"Where?\"In the 'word-memory' section,\" he said, epexegetically.”","author":"Roald Dahl,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“I HAVE TO MEET HIM. I don’t think I can keep this up. I don’t care if it ruins everything. I’m this close to making out with my laptop screen.”","author":"Becky Albertalli,","tags":["crush","email","funny","humor","infatuation","love"]}
{"quote":"“She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche.”","author":"Larissa Ione,","tags":["funny","paranormal"]}
{"quote":"“Paddle Harder”","author":"Lauren Myracle,","tags":["funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely.”","author":"Christine Feehan,","tags":["funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Eh, Whappaaaa!”","author":"George Lopez","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.”","author":"George Carlin,","tags":["funny","humor","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“My mate is really, really weird.She is also absolutely covered in brown, mushy clay.She laughs and holds a large lump up to show it to me. Her mouth moves, and she makes enough noise to scare away a group of birds near the shore.She is so, so strange.”","author":"Shay Savage,","tags":["funny","humor","love","page-50","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt.”","author":"Lara M. Zeises,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me!”","author":"Hergé,","tags":["confusion","funny","humor","tintin"]}
{"quote":"“He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.”","author":"Tara Janzen,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?”","author":"Martin Amis,","tags":["9-11","atheism","atheist","flippant","funny","humor","islam","jihad","jihadists","motivation","muslims","september-11","shout","terrorist"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.”","author":"Lorne Michaels","tags":["funny","humor","management","snl","tina-fey"]}
{"quote":"“Sure. What's the worst that could happen.\" Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. \"I can't frecking believe this.\"I cringed. \"I'm so sorry.\"\"I'm bald!\" Giguhl continued. \"I look like a freak.\"\"It's not that bad,\" I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life.”","author":"Jaye Wells,","tags":["bad-hair-day","funny","giguhl","haircut","sabina"]}
{"quote":"“Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?\"\"I care\" Simon said gloomily. \"Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","girlfriend","humor","love","simon"]}
{"quote":"“Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.”","author":"Sherman Alexie,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine.”","author":"Hanna Lui,","tags":["erotic-fiction","erotic-literature","erotic-romance","erotica","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","humour","malcolm-fade","warlocks"]}
{"quote":"“Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia.”","author":"Mervyn Peake,","tags":["death","fleet","funny","gormenghast","life","life-lessons","living","onomatopoeia","out-of-context","witty"]}
{"quote":"“A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic?”","author":"Nick Hornby,","tags":["dead-duck","funny"]}
{"quote":"“It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.”","author":"James Hetfield","tags":["dark-humor","funny","humor","humour","metallica"]}
{"quote":"“Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing. So I headed over to his house and waited outside until he left. And now he’s at McDonald’s, and I’m following him to see where else he’s going.” MySpace is seriously going to be responsible for everyone losing their minds.”","author":"Lauren Barnholdt,","tags":["funny","young-adult"]}
{"quote":"“Anna shuddered. \"Orange is not the colour of seduction, Christopher. Orange is the colour of despair, and pumpkins.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["annalightwood","fashion","funny","humor","orange","pumpkin","pumpkins"]}
{"quote":"“Hey,” Shayne said through the door. “You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real.\" -Gregori\"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?”","author":"Kerrelyn Sparks,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.”","author":"Chuck Palahniuk,","tags":["funny","hilarious","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.”","author":"Russell Brand,","tags":["church","comedy","funny","humor","robots"]}
{"quote":"“That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!”","author":"Hilary Duff,","tags":["elixir","funny","hilary-duff"]}
{"quote":"“She didn’t sound overjoyed. She didn’t sound even slightly joyed.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Put me down, I’m too heavy.”“You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Shut. Up,\" June squealed. \"You have a date with that guy?\" She giggled and covered her mouth. \"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.\"\"I can't do both,\" I pointed out.”","author":"Robin Benway,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick's snap-on one piece, or \"onesie\" as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which were so tight they must have been cutting off his circulation. The collared neck hung between his legs like an udder. Up top, Patrick's head stuck out through the unsnapped crotch, and his arms were lost somewhere in the billowing pant legs. It was quite a look.”","author":"John Grogan,","tags":["funny","john-grogan"]}
{"quote":"“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”","author":"Stephen King,","tags":["dark-tower-series","funny","humourous"]}
{"quote":"“He's wearing flannel!\" Alan yelped. \"He's shoving his straight in my face!”","author":"K.D. Sarge,","tags":["funny","gay","no-flannel"]}
{"quote":"“Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","love"]}
{"quote":"“The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“People keep asking \"Jacob or Edward?\" when the really important question is \"Diamond Dave or Sammy?”","author":"Ysabeau S. Wilce","tags":["funny","twilight","van-halen"]}
{"quote":"“At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue’s opinion, was far more hellish than anything they’d discussed to this point.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["blue-sargent","funny","richard-gansey-iii"]}
{"quote":"“Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).”","author":"John D. Rhodes","tags":["daft","dance","funny","humor","rain","shoes","silly"]}
{"quote":"“Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","pranks","travis-barker"]}
{"quote":"“It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.”","author":"F. Scott Fitzgerald,","tags":["20s","dating","fitzgerald","flapper","funny","gatsby","girls","head-and-shoulders","humor","humorous","kissing","kissing-quotes","lol","love","romance","zelda"]}
{"quote":"“We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["deforestation","funny","humor","trees"]}
{"quote":"“Why...do you find this...distracting?”","author":"Suzanne Collins,","tags":["action","finnick-odair","funny","mockingjay","the-hunger-games"]}
{"quote":"“Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“He stood and inhaled, then walked a few more feet, stooped, and prodded a chunk of rabbit fur.“I’m definitely thinking something with more body parts,” I said. “Like a head.”He gave a snort of a laugh. “It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["augustus-waters","funeral","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["dishonesty","funny","funny-but-true","honesty","humor","silence","tolerance","truth","virtue","virtue-signalling"]}
{"quote":"“The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["astrology","celebrities","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","patriotism"]}
{"quote":"“Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","humour","zombies"]}
{"quote":"“Hermits have no peer pressure.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.”","author":"Darynda Jones","tags":["funny","humor","snarky","witty"]}
{"quote":"“I'd sold my soul to get out of detention.”","author":"Jennifer Lynn Barnes,","tags":["funny","toby","unbelievable"]}
{"quote":"“His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth.”","author":"Tera Lynn Childs,","tags":["funny","humor","kissing"]}
{"quote":"“What's a slut?\" I ask him.\"A girl who puts out too easily.\"\"Puts out what?\" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that.\"Puts out, you know...\" His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. \"Sex.\"I wonder where Greer puts the sex out.”","author":"Rachel Cohn,","tags":["beta","funny","ya"]}
{"quote":"“I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["defiant","funny"]}
{"quote":"“My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","grandpa","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","remarried"]}
{"quote":"“Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.”","author":"Pawan Mishra,","tags":["funny","humor","husband","marriage","marriage-advice","marriage-humor","marriage-issues","relationship","wife"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["extinction","funny","penguins"]}
{"quote":"“Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["first-kiss","funny","teeth"]}
{"quote":"“Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","trees"]}
{"quote":"“I don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress\" said Jem. \"And for what it's worth, I don't think Will could fight in that dress either.\"\"Perhaps not,\" said Will, who had ears like a bat's. \"But I would make a radiant bride.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["clockwork-princess","funny","jem-carstairs","will-herondale"]}
{"quote":"“Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely,Patriot”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["cold-war","funny","patriotism","sunscreen"]}
{"quote":"“No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.”","author":"Frank Ocean","tags":["bogus","funny","hip-hop","horomones","in-the-moment","life-and-living","r-and-b"]}
{"quote":"“She’s a lunatic,” says Conrad.“Absolutely insane,” says Guntram.“Either completely fearless or utterly stupid,” says Conrad.“She’s going to fit right in,” says Guntram.”","author":"Emily Lloyd-Jones,","tags":["criminals","funny","sci-fi","ya-lit"]}
{"quote":"“While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["funny","lust","potatoes","tomatoes"]}
{"quote":"“Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["divination","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .”“Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly.“No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . .”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["fred-weasley","funny","george-weasley","useless-talents"]}
{"quote":"“What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.”","author":"Anne Carson,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?”","author":"Libba Bray,","tags":["funny","reading"]}
{"quote":"“Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator.....\"I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpful\"Marie pursed her lips and humor danced in her eyes.\"It says you would like to have sex with me. I don't think that is correct\"\"Oh, for Christ sake\" Eve slammed a fist against the machine.....”","author":"J.D. Robb,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","afraid","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","avoid","axiom","axioms","deep","depress","depressed","depressing","depression","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","fear","fearful","funny","gnome","gnomes","humor","humorous","humour","impression","in-public","insightful","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","philosopher","philosophy","private","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","public","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","seem","south-africa","south-african","stoic","stoicism","stoics","suicidal","suicide","think","thinker","thinkers","thinking","thought-provoking","thoughtful"]}
{"quote":"“I can pay you.\"He raised his eyebrows. \"I'm sure there are services for that.Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something?\"\"You know the number well?”","author":"Kasie West,","tags":["banter","funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.”","author":"Neil Pasricha,","tags":["5-second-rule","dirty","food","funny","germs"]}
{"quote":"“My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood.”","author":"Tina Fey,","tags":["funny","impolite","kids","mcdonalds","mother"]}
{"quote":"“The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.”","author":"Anne Bishop,","tags":["advice","amusing","baffled","book","caution","confuse","confusion","dangerous","female","funny","guide","human","humor","laugh","learn","mars","mind","truth","understand","understanding","venus"]}
{"quote":"“Colin : “Perhaps now is the time to tell you that I have a weakness for agreeable women.”Sugar Beth : “Well, that sure does leave me out.”Colin : “Exactly. With agreeable women, I’m unendingly considerate. Gallant even.”Sugar Beth : “But with tarts like me, the gloves are off, is that it?”Colin : “I wouldn’t exactly call you a tart. But then, I tend to be broad-minded.”She suppressed the urge to dump her porridge in his lap.”","author":"Susan Elizabeth Phillips,","tags":["funny","susan-elizabeth-phillips"]}
{"quote":"“Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first”","author":"S.A. Bodeen,","tags":["funny","s-a-bodeen","the-compound","wit"]}
{"quote":"“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Wait,” he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. “Is there something you want to tell me?” I looked at him, trying to think of anything I’d done recently that I needed to admit to. When nothing came to mind other than the usual, I shook my head. “Not really. Why?” He reached out and touched my leather jacket. “Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great.”","author":"Jaye Wells,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”","author":"Erma Bombeck","tags":["friendship","funny"]}
{"quote":"“A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.”","author":"Khaled Hosseini","tags":["female","funny","humor","male"]}
{"quote":"“By the light,\" he said, when he had mastered himself. \"I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.”","author":"Alison Croggon,","tags":["funny","humor","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?\"\"I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!\" said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her.\"What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?\" said Ron.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["broomstick","firebolt","funny","harry-potter","hermoine","humor","ron"]}
{"quote":"“She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. \"You're lost!\" \"You're angry!\" \"You're in the wrong school!\" \"You're in the wrong country!\" \"You're on the wrong planet!”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["funny","school","spanish-class"]}
{"quote":"“Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.”","author":"Tao Lin","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.”","author":"Victor Borge","tags":["borge","funny","humor","humorous","requests","victor","victor-borge"]}
{"quote":"“Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?”","author":"Catherine Doyle,","tags":["funny","humor","sophie-gracewell"]}
{"quote":"“Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.”","author":"V.E. Schwab,","tags":["alucard-emery","cat","delilah-bard","funny","humor","magic"]}
{"quote":"“Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.”","author":"William Safire","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“[Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby...Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she held him and cooed. When the parents turned around to look at her and saw their child holding a furry, living creature, they needlessly panicked.”","author":"Obert Skye,","tags":["clover","food","funny","geth","hungry","winter"]}
{"quote":"“He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.”","author":"Kaylea Cross,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“Naturally the villagers blamed bears. No one had ever seen a bear in Gavaldon, but this made them more determined to find one. Four years later, when two more children vanished, the villagers admitted they should have been more specific and declared black bears the culprit, bears so black they blended with the night. But when children continued to disappear every four years, the village shifted their attention to burrowing bears, then phantom bears, then bears in disguise. . . Until it became clear it wasn't it wasn't bears at all.”","author":"Soman Chainani,","tags":["bears","funny"]}
{"quote":"“He should probably make love to her.”","author":"Tara Janzen,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“Misery, thy name is Mudslide”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","humour","paranormal-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Sorry, Bex,\" Jason said \"You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here...well, just look at her.\" \"Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight,\" I pointed out. \"Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface.”","author":"Meg Cabot","tags":["be","cabot","funny","how","mastermind","meg","nickname","popular","to","witty"]}
{"quote":"“A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.”","author":"H.L. Mencken","tags":["black-cat","blind","cat","funny","humor","joke","lie","lies","looking","man","metaphysics","misattributed-h-l-mencken","philosopher","philosophy","religion","search","theologian","theology","untruth","untruthful","wishful-thinking"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, Ethan.\"\"Yeah?\"\"Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?\"\"The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice.\"He grinned and shot the ball. \"It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up.”","author":"Kami Garcia,","tags":["confession","ethan-wate","friendship","funny","sharing","twinkie"]}
{"quote":"“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["diving","funny","horses","water"]}
{"quote":"“Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.”","author":"Nick Shamhart","tags":["funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”","author":"Sean Covey,","tags":["admitting-faults","children","funny","parents"]}
{"quote":"“Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!''Talk?' He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. 'We talk all the time, Raine. I've never had such talkative sex.''That's just it!' She wiggled, flailed, but couldn't budge him. 'Two minutes alone with you, and I'm flat on my back. Every single time!'A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. 'Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top?”","author":"Shannon McKenna,","tags":["funny","humor","relationships","sex"]}
{"quote":"“I love the sound of it,\" Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. \"It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days.\"\"My armpit?\" Mark repeats. \"Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy.”","author":"James Dashner,","tags":["cute","funny","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["afterword","funny","martial-arts"]}
{"quote":"“Rule number four for me as a writer? Plotlines are like sharks: They either keep moving or they die. ~J.R. Ward”","author":"J.R. Ward,","tags":["funny","tips","writing"]}
{"quote":"“If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.”","author":"Kinky Friedman","tags":["funny","humorous","inspirational","life"]}
{"quote":"“Okay, first of all, I didn’t sleep with you to make amends. I slept with you because I wanted to.”He still didn’t say anything, and she pointed at him again. “And you know what? It was your own damn fault. It was those jeans you wear, and the tool belt. It was the size of your hammer!”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["alpha","erotica","erotica-romance","funny","romance","romance-nove","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.”","author":"J.A. Saare,","tags":["dicta","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. \"This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?\"\"Of course.\" he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn’t sending you the ‘let’s go back to my place’ signals. In that case—”“Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.”","author":"Nora Roberts,","tags":["dates","friendships","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["bayou-moon","cerise","funny","hair","ilona-andrews","the-edge","william"]}
{"quote":"“..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different”","author":"Michael Buckley,","tags":["dodgeball","funny","michael-buckley"]}
{"quote":"“Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.She sounded as though she was having sex.Good sex.”","author":"Cherry Adair,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Popatrz jeno. Kościół, karczma, bordel, a w środku między nimi kupa gówna. Oto parabola ludzkiego żywota.”","author":"Andrzej Sapkowski,","tags":["funny","medieval","polish","shit"]}
{"quote":"“You are the night.\"\"I am the night,\" I repeated.\"You are the night.\"I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. \"I am the night?\"\"Jane!\"\"Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word?”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“I can't see anything\" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. \"I'm blind.”","author":"L.J. Smith,","tags":["funny","hilarious"]}
{"quote":"“What do you take me for? That fool Socrates, who upheld the law at the cost of his own death – just to be ironic? I suspect that act was actually the result of his secret embarrassment of his hideous nose.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["funny","irony","law","noses","socrates"]}
{"quote":"“Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["doughnuts","funny","pastries","police"]}
{"quote":"“Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me.”","author":"Katie MacAlister,","tags":["funny","naughty","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.”","author":"Seth Grahame-Smith","tags":["abraham-lincoln","funny","vampire-hunter"]}
{"quote":"“At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom”","author":"Jennifer Lynn Barnes,","tags":["cheerleading","funny"]}
{"quote":"“That's not what he meant,\" Rachel says again, pink flushing her cheeks.\"Actually, I meant-\" I start to say, but Willow cuts me off.\"What? It's true. He looks at you like he'd like to dip you in sugar and eat you up.”","author":"C.J. Redwine,","tags":["defiance","funny","logan","rachel"]}
{"quote":"“If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["criminal","funny","murphy-s-law"]}
{"quote":"“Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["comeback","funny","humor","humorous","irony","satire","wit","witty-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.”","author":"J.J. McAvoy,","tags":["funny","liam","love","mafia","melody","ruthless-people"]}
{"quote":"“Silena appeared out of the woods, her sword drawn. Her Aphrodite armour was pink and red, colour coordinated to match her clothes and makeup. She looked like Guerilla Warfare Barbie.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","pink","silena-beauregard"]}
{"quote":"“. . .Tell me, Clare: why on earth would a lovely girl like you want to marry Henry?'Everything in the room seems to hold its breath. Henry stiffens but doesn't say anything. I lean forward and smile at Mr. DeTamble and say, with enthusiasm, as though he has asked me what flavor of ice cream I like best: 'Because he's really, really good in bed.' In the kitchen there's a howl of laughter. Mr. DeTamble glances at Henry, who raises his eyebrows and grins, and finally even Mr. DeTamble smiles, and says 'Touché, my dear.”","author":"Audrey Niffenegger,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.”","author":"Christopher Paolini,","tags":["funny","truth","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?”“What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["aliens","death-jokes","funny","ssupernatural","training","ya"]}
{"quote":"“Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.”","author":"Haruki Murakami,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Aaron’s mouth dropped open when he entered the “room;” it was more like a huge open loft … no walls, huge floor to ceiling windows, shiny hardwood floors … perfect for a studio. He had no idea how Jake had acquired such a huge space in Manhattan.As if reading his mind, Alyson leaned over and whispered, “He bought the place next door and tore down the walls.”“Perfect,” replied Aaron, “and did he happen to find a treasure chest hidden in one of the walls as well?”“What do you mean?”“I mean, how the holy hell does he afford this place? He looks like he’s twelve.”“He’s twenty-​two, and he happens to be quite successful.”“At twenty-​fucking-​two?”“He was born with talent?” Alyson said questioningly.“He’s a lucky wanker who blew the right people?” suggested Aaron.Alyson tried to scowl but grinned instead, “A child prodigy?”“A deal with the devil?”“Naturally gifted?”“An indulgent sugar daddy?”“How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.”","author":"Giselle Ellis,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Don't go there Rule\" Lawe warned him softly. \" I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.”","author":"Lora Leigh,","tags":["breeds","funny","lawe-s-justice","threat"]}
{"quote":"“So what's it to be, Bear?\"Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh.\"By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“What was that you gave me to eat?\" Winter panicked.A Filler Crisp,\" Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous.”","author":"Obert Skye,","tags":["clover","food","funny","geth","hungry","winter"]}
{"quote":"“I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.”","author":"K.A. Mitchell,","tags":["bowling","funny","k-a-mitchell","sport"]}
{"quote":"“You guys are weird,\" Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. \"That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["funny","simon","tori","weird"]}
{"quote":"“Monsters have the worst taste in women.”","author":"Tera Lynn Childs,","tags":["funny","monsters"]}
{"quote":"“There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny","humour","temper"]}
{"quote":"“Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","pinata","questions","surprises","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","healing","humor","injuries","scars","wrinkles"]}
{"quote":"“Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.”","author":"Brett Tate","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humour","memoir","sex"]}
{"quote":"“I fixed your car,\" he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. \"You fixed my car?\"\"I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way,\" he said, before reluctantly adding, \"and one of them is finding skilled mechanics.\"I smirked, leaning against the wall. \"You almost had me there.\"\"I supervised,\" he insisted.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. \"Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook. I shall be directly back.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","gideon","love","sophie"]}
{"quote":"“If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.\"See Dick,\" Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. \"Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","gabriel","humor","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","richard"]}
{"quote":"“It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.”","author":"Charlie Brooker","tags":["arachnophobia","dread","fear","funny","humor","humour","spiders","torment"]}
{"quote":"“I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: \"Fuck me he's a earthbender.”","author":"Ben Aaronovitch,","tags":["avatar-the-last-airbender","funny","pop-culture"]}
{"quote":"“I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is \"In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.”","author":"Andy Warhol","tags":["fame","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney,\" he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. \"You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph.”","author":"Aimee Agresti,","tags":["funny","hors-d-oeuvres","spelling"]}
{"quote":"“I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.”","author":"Susan Elizabeth Phillips","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich and famous.' and Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Yes, when the moon is made of green cheese.”","author":"Emily of New Moon","tags":["emily-of-new-moon","famous","funny","green","moon","rich"]}
{"quote":"“Well, robots are, of course, the monkey's natural enemy.”","author":"Brian K. Vaughan,","tags":["funny","graphic-novels"]}
{"quote":"“Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that.”","author":"Kyle Adams,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-mist-and-fury","a-court-of-thorns-and-roses","feyre","funny","funny-quotes","rhysand"]}
{"quote":"“The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.”","author":"Roman Payne","tags":["admiration","authors","brides","desire","funny","humor","humour","marriage","payne","roman","weddings","writers"]}
{"quote":"“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. ”","author":"H. L. Mencken","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.”","author":"Anita Clenney","tags":["anita-clenney","awaken-the-highland-warrior","breasts","bree","cars","faelan","fascinated","funny","human","humor","males","relationships","sex","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.”","author":"Gayle Forman,","tags":["funny","gayle-forman","if-i-stay","lumberjack","quote"]}
{"quote":"“She’d ceased spying upon him, that was true, but the damage was done. Every time he sat at his desk, he could feel her eyes upon him, even though he knew very well she’d shut her curtains tight. But clearly, reality had very little to do with the matter, because all he had to do, it seemed, was glance at her window, and he lost an entire hour’s work.It happened thus: He looked at the window, because it was there, and he couldn’t very well never happen to glance upon it unless he also shut his curtains tight, which he was not willing to do, given the amount of time he spent in his office. So he saw the window, and he thought of her, because, really, what else would he think of upon seeing her bedroom window? At that point, annoyance set in, because A) she wasn’t worth the energy, B) she wasn’t even there, and C) he wasn’t getting any work done because of her.C always led into a bout of even deeper irritation, this time directed at himself, because D) he really ought to have better powers of concentration, E) it was just a stupid window, and F) if he was going to get agitated about a female, it ought to be one he at least liked.F was where he generally let out a loud growl and forced himself to get back to his translation. It usually worked for a minute or two, and then he’d look back up, and happen to see the window, and the whole bloody nonsense cycled back to the beginning.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["frustration","funny","obsession","spying"]}
{"quote":"“Kneel before the king, Griff.\" I look around for the king. \"Me, asshole. I'm the king. Who else would be the king? Wade?\"[...]\"On this rainy Thursday, I, King Theo of New York City, praise you, Sir Griffin of New York City, for your vast knowledge of fantasy novels I\"ll never take the time to read myself. And for having the kind of laugh that I like hearing so much I would punch myself over and over if you found it funny.”","author":"Adam Silvera,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?\"Bob's eyes darted nervously. \"I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.”","author":"Jim Butcher,","tags":["bob","funny","harry"]}
{"quote":"“Can I see some ID?\" \"WE DON'T HAVE ID,\" said Jay, loudly. \"'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN.\" Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["canada","canadian","crazy","funny","sane"]}
{"quote":"“Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business.”","author":"Brian Jacques,","tags":["basil","eating","funny","hare-talk"]}
{"quote":"“I'm asking you to tell Lady Cassandra about my good qualities as well as the bad ones.\"\"What good qualities?\" West inquired sharply.Tom had to think for a moment. \"How rich I am?”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["funny","historical-romance","romance","victorian-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?\" And Grandpa Nate answered, \"Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?”","author":"E. L. Konigsburg,","tags":["funny","humor","music","sex"]}
{"quote":"“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.”","author":"Dwight Schrute","tags":["crime","dwight","dwight-schrute","funny","perfect-crime","the-office","tiffany-s"]}
{"quote":"“I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they've vanished, but no, they just barricade themselves right next to the bone and hurt.”","author":"Lili St. Crow,","tags":["funny","teens","zits"]}
{"quote":"“Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.”","author":"Charlotte Perkins Gilman,","tags":["fashion","funny","hats","humor","humour","women"]}
{"quote":"“Sir,\" returned Mrs. Sparsit, \" I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I have heard him, what I should prefer to describe as partially choke. I have heard him on such occasions produce sounds of a nature similar to what may be heard in dutch clocks. Not,\" said Mrs. Sparsit, with a lofty sense of giving strict evidence, \" That I would convey any imputation on his moral character. Far from it.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.”","author":"Mark Twain","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.”","author":"Christy Leigh Stewart","tags":["applause","clapping","funny","funny-and-random","retarded"]}
{"quote":"“Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,worse, kissing up.It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I’d probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date.”","author":"David Levithan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.”","author":"Holly Hood","tags":["boonville","family","funny","life","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["angry","fish","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home”","author":"Rachel Gibson,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork.”","author":"Jackie Kessler,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge fan.”Fan? What the hell? Dylan lifted himself up and looked over the back of his seat. Since when did covert operators have fans?”","author":"Tara Janzen,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“always schedule your comeback.”","author":"Brooke Bida","tags":["clever","fun","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson","tags":["cool","funny","looks","to","true","up"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Keep up,\" said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. \"I don't want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing's happened to you.\"\"So don't bother.\"\"Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you,\" he pointed out. \"Well, I'd certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death.\"He blinked. \"There is a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-bones","clary-fray","funny","humor","jace-wayland","love","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”","author":"Jim Gaffigan","tags":["funny","humor","weird"]}
{"quote":"“I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.”","author":"Lemony Snicket,","tags":["funny","purposeful-errors","tiredness"]}
{"quote":"“Whoa, Rebecca,\" Talia said smiling even wider, \"Walking on the wild side, are we?\"Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. \"He - uh - I'm tutoring him.\"\"She is,\" Han said solemnly. \"She's very good. I'm learning a lot.\"Pearlie snickered. \"What's she teaching you?\"\"Well,\" Han said, \"we're jumping around a lot.”","author":"Cinda Williams Chima,","tags":["funny","han-alister","raisa"]}
{"quote":"“Otter! Otter! Otter!Don’t lead cows to slaughter!I love you, and I knowI should’ve told you soon-aBut you didn’t buy the dolphin-safe tuna!”","author":"T.J. Klune,","tags":["funny","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“Pops added,\"you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.\"\"And if you do, you never get the results you expected,\" (Katherine) replied.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["democracy","disappointments","election","election-results","elections","false-hope","funny","gadfly","general-election","general-elections","governments","humor","humour","i-didn-t-vote","i-hate-politics","i-voted","logic","paradox","political","politicians","results","sad-but-true","satire","voting","wise-sayings"]}
{"quote":"“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, \"Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives.\"Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?”","author":"George Carlin,","tags":["funny","humor","smoking"]}
{"quote":"“Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.”","author":"Dannika Dark,","tags":["card-game","cards","church","fantasy","funny","grandma","humor","knox","paranormal","silver","sterling","urban","zoe"]}
{"quote":"“Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["comedy","funny","funny-but-true","funny-quotes","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“You must be careful when you ask people whether they’re happy; it’s a question that can upset them a great deal.”","author":"Francois Lelord","tags":["funny","true"]}
{"quote":"“You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.”","author":"Libba Bray,","tags":["funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. \"Well, Sadie,\" Inspector Williams said. \"You've got quite an imagination.\" \"I'm not lying, Inspector. And I think your eyebrow is trying to escape.\" He tried to look at his own eyebrows, then scowled.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["education","funny","humor","science"]}
{"quote":"“Shit,\" Delia said. \"I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.”","author":"Sarah Dessen,","tags":["funny","sarah-dessen"]}
{"quote":"“You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.”","author":"Kenneth Oppel,","tags":["airborn","funny","kate","kenneth-oppel","matt","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["children","funny","humor","shame"]}
{"quote":"“Ancient Chinese proverb,” he said, heading toward the kitchen.“He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.”","author":"Brad Boney,","tags":["funny","mm"]}
{"quote":"“That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.”“Question a plant?”“Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.”“Schopenwho?”“He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["authenticity","funny","schopenhauer","trees","will"]}
{"quote":"“Madison answered. “I said, ‘The Queen thinks the King’s a pussy for sending her to retrieve me. I dare him to catch me if he can.”","author":"Gracen Miller,","tags":["funny","taunting"]}
{"quote":"“When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["books","funny","humor","politics"]}
{"quote":"“And she didn't once say anything about this being a sin. It used to be I got the word sin slapped in my face every time I did something wrong, but come on, when you live in a sin-free family with sin-free parents and a sin-free sister, well, you can't help but sin a little extra on their behalf.”","author":"Han Nolan,","tags":["funny","humor","sins"]}
{"quote":"“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, \"This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.\"\"Maybe they'll get muddy,\" Dick said. \"Please, Lord, let them get muddy.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","jane-jameson","missy","molly-harper","mud","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","richard","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t have any regrets,” a famous movie actor said in an interview I recently witnessed. “I’d live everything over exactly the same way.” “That’s really pathetic,” the talk show host said. “Are you seeking help?” “Yeah. My shrink says we’re making progress. Before, I wouldn’t even admit that I would live it all over,” the actor said, starting to choke up. “I thought one life was satisfying enough.” “My God,” the host said, cupping his hand to his mouth. “The first breakthrough was when I said I would live it over, but only in my dreams. Nocturnal recurrence.” “You’re like the character in that one movie of yours. What’s it called? You know, the one where you eat yourself.”“The Silence of Sam.”“That’s it. Can you do the scene?”The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The audience goes wild.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["bizarre","celebrity","funny","regret","therapy"]}
{"quote":"“Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["forestry","funny","hug","hugging","humor","love","tree-hugger","trees"]}
{"quote":"“Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["fetishes","funny","harmony"]}
{"quote":"“Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.”","author":"David Wong,","tags":["funny","random"]}
{"quote":"“I’ve been practicin’ my morgue face for when I have to go identify your body. Wanna see it?” Nick said then he arranged his face in this kind of mock, sad, shocked look and slowly shook his head like a world with vigilante social workersmystified him.”","author":"Kristen Ashley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["brain","funny","sausage","x-ray"]}
{"quote":"“Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they’re above the law.”","author":"Benson Bruno,","tags":["celebrity","funny","history","law","neurosis"]}
{"quote":"“It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","singing"]}
{"quote":"“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit.”","author":"A. Lee Martinez,","tags":["funny","paranormal","weird"]}
{"quote":"“Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.\"Owww!\" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it.\"If you think I can understand that,\" he growled, \"you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["funny","humor","julia-quinn"]}
{"quote":"“Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it's like \"Hey, we're both doing the same thing. Let's be friends for a second.”","author":"Neil Pasricha,","tags":["cycling","funny","like-mindedness"]}
{"quote":"“I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.”","author":"Ewan McGregor","tags":["actors","children","funny","humor","mistakes"]}
{"quote":"“He sniggered.He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now.”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny","humor","laugh"]}
{"quote":"“Your on your on with this one babe.\"\"Coward.\"\"Calling me names isn't going to get me in there.\"-Ranger and Stephanie”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","ranger","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”","author":"Bette Davis","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["drugs","funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Guess we're going north,\" Dev said slowly.\"Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy's in the well.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“They say the path of true love never runs smooth. Well, Luke and my true love's path didn't run at all, it limped along in new boots that were chafing its heels. Blistered and cut, red and raw, every hopping, lopsided step, a little slice of agony.”","author":"Marian Keyes,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.”","author":"Roman Payne","tags":["dying","funny","humor","humour","living","men","payne","roman","widows","women"]}
{"quote":"“I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.\"\"Waitress!\" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. \"Bring two!\" then, more quietly,\"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?”","author":"MaryJanice Davidson,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random"]}
{"quote":"“You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be \"empathetic,\" not blind.”","author":"Glenn Beck","tags":["funny","political"]}
{"quote":"“He couldn’t just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build up to it. Explain himself. “I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","love","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette.”","author":"Lin Manuel Miranda","tags":["french","funny","hamilton","lafayette"]}
{"quote":"“Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?”","author":"Kate Carlisle,","tags":["brooklyn","funny","kate-carlisle"]}
{"quote":"“Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time for silly moods”","author":"Amber Kizer,","tags":["amber-kizer","funny","meridian","mrs-fulbright"]}
{"quote":"“I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now.”","author":"Anne Stuart,","tags":["dark","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.”","author":"Weston Locher,","tags":["anecdote","comedy","essay","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Lila!\" he said cheerfully. \"So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.”","author":"V.E. Schwab,","tags":["brothers","funny","imagination"]}
{"quote":"“But you won’t abdicate.\"Of course not. It’s my duty to go on, to maintain the line. I can’t possibly fail in that. It’s as if you and I were throwing a ball back and forth to establish a record, and had been doing so for a millennium. You cannot drop a ball that has remained airborne through good effort for most of a thousand years. You cannot stop an unlikely heart that has been beating for so long. I would rather die than betray continuity, for its own sake if for nothing else. And Britain needs a king, just as it needs motormen and cooks and a prime minister. Just as it needs soldiers who will die for it if they must. It’s my job, or it will be, but you should know that I’ve never wanted it. I was only born to it, as if with a deformity, to which I hope I can respond with grace.\"Fredericka had been running her finger over the carpet, tracing a pattern in the way children do when they have learnt something overwhelming and are moved, but cannot say so. Freddy expected her to look up, with tears, and that in this moment she might have begun the long and arduous process of becoming a queen. She was so beautiful. To embrace her now, with high emotion flowing from her physical majesty, was all he wanted in the world. Her finger stopped moving, and she turned her eyes to him.Freddy?\"Yes?\" he answered.What’s raw egg? I read a recipe in She that called for a cup of raw egg. What is that?\"After a long silence, Freddy asked, \"Which part of the formulation escapes you? Egg? Raw? The link between the two?\"The two what?\"Fredericka?\"Yes, Freddy?\"Would you like to go dancing?\"Oh, yes Freddy!\"Come then. We will.”","author":"Mark Helprin,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["careless","funny","panda","puppies","titanic"]}
{"quote":"“Cole, for Christ's sake, will you stop staring at me like I'm beefcake of the month?”","author":"Simon Holt,","tags":["funny","quinn","simon-holt","soulstice"]}
{"quote":"“Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary...I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["america","columbus","columbus-day","diary","discovering","explorers","funny","ice-sculptures","journal"]}
{"quote":"“The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say 'Thou waitest till thy woman's fingers wrought the best that lay within thy woman's heart.”","author":"Annie Fellows Johnston","tags":["ambition","funny","sophomoric"]}
{"quote":"“Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free...\"You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in armor bent on…chivalry.He’s as sweet as…tupelo honey; just like honey, baby…from the bee.\"=> For those who read and liked \"When Irish eyes are sparkling\"Can i have a musician here?”","author":"Tom Collins","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab.”","author":"Irvine Welsh,","tags":["funny","humanity","humor","jobs"]}
{"quote":"“Jev stroked his chin. \"Do I look like a summer fling?”","author":"Becca Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","humor","jev","nora-grey","patch-cipriano"]}
{"quote":"“Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["faq","funny"]}
{"quote":"“He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on.He tugged the chain again.Light went off.Oh for gods' sake, he had a mean case of ADD sometimes. \"Apollo,\" I snapped.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["apollo","funny","random","seth","the-return","titans"]}
{"quote":"“They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["carpe-corpus","claire-danvers","funny","humor","myrnin","rachel-caine"]}
{"quote":"“Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.”","author":"Penny Reid,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I happen to be a fantastic kisser. Sadly, you will never get to find out.”“Never say never,” he answers in a singsong voice.“Thanks for that, Justin Bieber. But yeah, not going to happen, dude.”","author":"Elle Kennedy,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.”","author":"Chris Owen,","tags":["cowboy","funny","kids-humor","m-m"]}
{"quote":"“Does he give you zings in your things?”","author":"Penny Reid,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Regin the Radiant and Emmaline Troy: 'Alrighty then, have it your way- you're on your own... Now, if you come across a leech, no offense, remember your training.''None taken. And would that be the sword training where you fly past my defenses and swat me on the ass, chirping, 'Dead!'? Another swat. 'Dead!'? Yeah, I'll get right on that.''No, that would be the training where you sprint like hell whenever you hear that I'm looking for you to train.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","kresley-cole","romance"]}
{"quote":"“It's a sweet setup, I'll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.' Yesterday, she'd just stopped herself from raising her clenched hands above her head and chasing one of them around the room groaning, 'I vant to suck your blood.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","kresley-cole","vampire","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.”","author":"Michael  Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","jane-jameson","kindergarten","maturity","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....”","author":"Josh Stern,","tags":["absurd","funny","humor","naked","paints","picture","vowels"]}
{"quote":"“Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. \"Do you always hold your guitar like that?\"I dropped my pick. \"Do you always shop at Hot Topic?”","author":"Tara Kelly,","tags":["funny","humor","music","musicians"]}
{"quote":"“I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.”","author":"Kristin Cashore","tags":["funny","hunger-games","nail-polish"]}
{"quote":"“No guest rooms.” I shake my head resolutely. “I want to be in a room room. A lived-in room.”","author":"Lauren Oliver,","tags":["funny","living"]}
{"quote":"“Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combinedwith the imperative of accomplishing nothing.”","author":"Alexander Theroux,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You want to stab me again, don't you?\"He didn't look at all ashamed. \"Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities.\"I groaned. \"I've created a monster.\"\"I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'\" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers. \"It wasn't a grave,\" I sniffed. \"It was a comfy four-poster.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["four-poster","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","monster","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I got stung by a jellyfish. Tim cried because his mother, and mine, wouldn’t let him pee on my leg, which he’d heard was an antidote to the sting.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny","kids","ya"]}
{"quote":"“You have a bad habit of listing anything that can go wrong, Volger.\"\"I have always considered that a good habit”","author":"Scott Westerfeld,","tags":["funny","habits"]}
{"quote":"“Has anyone been corrupted or defiled?\"\"Since the age of twelve,\" West said.\"I wasn't asking you, I was asking the girls.\"\"Not yet,\" Cassandra replied cheerfully.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["funny","kleypas","the-ravenels","victorian-era"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.”","author":"Georgia Saratsioti,","tags":["bicycle","cars","dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","mirror"]}
{"quote":"“I don't think my mum ever understood my love of Doctor Who. Surely her strongest memory would have been me, standing at the top of the stairs, crying about how the \"jelly men\" were going to get me? Sorry, Mum, for those sleepless nights, but it was with good reason they called it Terror of the Zygons.”","author":"Steve Berry,","tags":["alien","doctor-who","funny","humor","tv","youth","zygon"]}
{"quote":"“An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.”","author":"Peter Boghossian","tags":["funny","humor","knowledge","pretending","rationalization","theologian","theology"]}
{"quote":"“I could always get by on a fake ID, calm face, and a smile. My sister could look guilty saying her prayers.”","author":"Huntley Fitzpatrick,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming \"the words, the what could have been beautiful words.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.”","author":"George Carlin,","tags":["funny","humor","sore-loser"]}
{"quote":"“Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent.\" Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. \"You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.”","author":"Richard Paul Evans,","tags":["blaming","consent","funny","humor","humour","lighting","locker","school"]}
{"quote":"“This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen,\" Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. \"Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","feast-of-fools","funny","humor","rachel-caine","shane-collins"]}
{"quote":"“Kyo Sohma: angrily pointing at Yuki Just like I'll beat you one of these days  Yuki: looking bored Wait wait I think I've heard this one before”","author":"Natsuki Takaya","tags":["cute","fruits-basket","funny","kyo","sohma","yuki"]}
{"quote":"“You didn't have to go to the fireworks with him. Or - or let him fondle you.\"\"Fondle?\" Raisa raised her eyebrows, \"When did I mention fondling?”","author":"Cinda Williams Chima,","tags":["amon","funny","raisa"]}
{"quote":"“Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.”","author":"Karen Miller","tags":["books","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight.”","author":"J. Michael Strazynski","tags":["funny","humor","j-michael-strazynski","story","writing"]}
{"quote":"“That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off.The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay ”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["court","dickens","funny","heads","humor"]}
{"quote":"“When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.”","author":"Al Capone","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He's all right. His hair is cute.\"Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. \" Oh my God, you're in love.\"\"I'm not in love.\"\"'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call.\"\" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.\"\"Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!\"\" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.”","author":"MaryJanice Davidson,","tags":["funny","humour","in-love"]}
{"quote":"“They walked to school, talking about how much they were longing for the summer holidays.\"Oh, I am planning things,\" said Jamie. \"Great, great things. I could join a band.\"\"You gave up the guitar after two lessons.\"\"Well,\" he said, \"I could be a backup dancer.\"\"Backup dancers have to wear belly shirts and glitter,\" said Mae. \"So obviously, I support this plan.”","author":"Sarah Rees Brennan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?”","author":"Victor Borge","tags":["borge","fat","funny","humor","humorous","opera","piano","singers","victor","victor-borge"]}
{"quote":"“Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. \"Lanky Lizards!\" Weetzie exclaimed.\"Greetings,\" said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr.\"Oh, shit!\" Weetzie said.\"I beg your pardon? Is that your wish?”","author":"Francesca Lia Block,","tags":["fifi","funny","genies","humor","weetzie-bat","wishes"]}
{"quote":"“What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...”","author":"Tsugumi Ohba","tags":["funny","humour","stupidity"]}
{"quote":"“Maybe it was me,\" Grandma said.\"Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","granmda-mazur","humor","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["class","funny","humanity","humor"]}
{"quote":"“IMBECILE!\" the chef shouted. \"Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!\"\"Chef Vlad!\" I cried out in delight.”","author":"Kenneth Oppel,","tags":["funny","humor","kate","matt","skybreaker"]}
{"quote":"“Well,\" Ben went on,\"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They're located in a special display case known as 'my scrotum.'\" Radar laughed, and Ben continued. \"I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonald's, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did.”","author":"Maggie Shayne,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?” her mother called.“No. Tell me this isn’t happening.” Quinn rested his forehead against hers. “Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she’s like a walking hard-on detector.”Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms.“Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Henry narrowed his eyes at me. \"You going somewhere?\"\"Lacrosse field trip,\" I said. \"I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.”","author":"Robin Benway,","tags":["funny","laughed"]}
{"quote":"“Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?\"\"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.\"\"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.”","author":"MaryJanice Davidson,","tags":["freaking","funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Today vegetables. Tomorrow...the world!”","author":"Deborah Howe","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”","author":"Jack Benny","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“As we drove uptown, I spotted a Kmart on a corner,with its familiar red sign.I cleared my throat.\"Wait. Can we stop for a minute?\"\"What for?\"\"Just - I need a few things.\"He looked irritated, but pulled into a metered space. \"We don't really have time to go shopping.\"I glared at him.\"yeah, excuse me for being so frivolous. You have your suitcase all packed already; I dont even have clean underwear.I'll be right back.”","author":"L. A. Weatherly","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“The only difference between me and a famous writer is that I do not want to be famous.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar","tags":["funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["death","execution","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“It's a booley village,\" Ian told her. \"The islanders used to take their animals into the hills for the summ. They'd camp out in these stone huts: men, women, and children. Everyone stayed up all night, sang, told stories, watched the stars. It must have been great craic.\" \"How do you know this stuff?\" she asked, admiringly. \"I' a bloody genius.\" When she threw him a look, he grinned. \" I also read it in the guidebook.”","author":"O.R. Melling,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["chairs","funny","truth"]}
{"quote":"“She made an impatient noise. \"By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?\"\"Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ... ”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-fallen-angels","funny","humor","isabelle-lightwood","simon-lewis","the-mortal-instruments","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“I know this is war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.”","author":"Kristin Cashore,","tags":["funny","life","party","war"]}
{"quote":"“You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger?”","author":"Kendare Blake,","tags":["funny","murder","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. 'What do you want, Richard?'Richard Morrell's police cruiser was parked in the drive. He hadn't flashed any lights or howled any sirens, so she supposed it wasn't an emergency, exactly. But she knew him well enough to know he didn't pay social visits, at least not to the Glass House.'Good question,' Richard said. 'I guess I want a nice girl who can cook, likes action movies, and looks good in short skirts. But I'll settle for you taking the chain off the door and letting me in.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","richard","what-you-want"]}
{"quote":"“So what's the plan?” Ben asked.“Go inside. Look around. Improvise.”“Brilliant.\" Hi stroked his chin. “Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?”","author":"Kathy Reichs,","tags":["funny","hi","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. \"Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?\"I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. \"Is this gonna make me want to hit you?\"He shrugged. \"Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long?”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["alec","funny","guys","kissing-back-is-instinct"]}
{"quote":"“Fred and George exchanged looks.\"You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?\" said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. \"We could curtsy, if you like,\" said George. \"Oh, shut up,\" said Ron, scowling at them.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["fred-and-george-weasley","funny","harry-potter"]}
{"quote":"“Maybe you’re not so bad after all.’He leant across the seat, jabbing his finger in the air. ‘If you tell anyone, I’ll deny it. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”","author":"Catherine Doyle,","tags":["funny","love","luca-falcone","sophie-gracewell"]}
{"quote":"“Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!”","author":"Charlie Cochet ,","tags":["charlie-cochet","dex","funny","humor","thirds"]}
{"quote":"“Was it just her, or did lovers look more adoringly at each other in this city? Especially in the springtime.'Die, bastards.'She sighed. It wasn't their fault that they were bastards who should die.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","funny-quotes","romance"]}
{"quote":"“I said alone!”He nodded in agreement. “Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","humour","love","paranormal-romance","romance"]}
{"quote":"“I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","ideas","plagiarism"]}
{"quote":"“When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.”","author":"Amanda Hocking","tags":["alice","creepy","funny","my-blood-approves"]}
{"quote":"“Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","ocd"]}
{"quote":"“We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["contemporary-romance","cute","funny","humour","romance","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["chemistry","coming","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“He'll have that scar forever.\"\"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?\"\"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.”","author":"J. K. Rowling,","tags":["body-positivity","funny","humour","london","magic","optimism","positivity","scar","scars","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["family","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Dude, you're scaring the crap out of me,' said Nick. 'I'm serious, I literally have no crap right now.”","author":"Mark Frost,","tags":["crap","funny","mark-frost","nick","paladin-prophecy"]}
{"quote":"“It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.”","author":"Patricia Briggs,","tags":["funny","humour","paranormal-romance","romance","romantic","urban-fantasy"]}
{"quote":"“Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.”","author":"Fanny Merkin,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Is that a space?No, it's a hydrant.”","author":"Becky Albertalli,","tags":["funny","humor","lets-be-real-here"]}
{"quote":"“Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way.”","author":"Markus Zusak,","tags":["dislike","friends","funny","interesting","like","the-way-things-turn-out"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.”","author":"Amy Summers,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“What happened to your face?\" she asked.\"It fell on a fist.\" He shrugged.\"That happens a lot?\"\"Enough.”","author":"Melissa de la Cruz,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Tell me the story,\" said Fenchurch firmly. \"You arrived at the station.\"\"I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong.\" \"Get on with it.\" Fenchurch laughed.\"So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee.\"\"You do the crossword?\"\"Yes.\"\"Which one?\"\"The Guardian usually.\"\"I think it tries to be too cute. I prefer The Times. Did you solve it?\"\"What?\"\"The crossword in the Guardian.\"\"I haven't had a chance to look at it yet,\" said Arthur, \"I'm still trying to buy the coffee.\"\"All right then. Buy the coffee.\"\"I'm buying it. I am also,\" said Arthur, \"buying some biscuits.\"\"What sort?\"\"Rich Tea.\"\"Good Choice.\"\"I like them. Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And don't ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I can't remember. It was probably round.\"\"All right.\"\"So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits.\"\"I see it perfectly.\"\"What you don't see,\" said Arthur, \"because I haven't mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me.\"\"What's he look like?\"\"Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didn't look,\" said Arthur, \"as if he was about to do anything weird.\"\"Ah. I know the type. What did he do?\"\"He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and...\"\"What?\"\"Ate it.\"\"What?\"\"He ate it.\"Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. \"What on earth did you do?\"\"Well, in the circumstances I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled,\" said Arthur, \"to ignore it.\"\"What? Why?\"\"Well, it's not the sort of thing you're trained for is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits.\"\"Well, you could...\" Fenchurch thought about it. \"I must say I'm not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?\"\"I stared furiously at the crossword,\" said Arthur. \"Couldn't do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice,\" he added, \"that the packet was already mysteriously open...\"\"But you're fighting back, taking a tough line.\"\"After my fashion, yes. I ate a biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit,\" Arthur said, \"it stays eaten.\"\"So what did he do?\"\"Took another one. Honestly,\" insisted Arthur, \"this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground.\"Fenchurch stirred uncomfortably.\"And the problem was,\" said Arthur, \"that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject a second time around. What do you say? \"Excuse me...I couldn't help noticing, er...\" Doesn't work. No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigor than previously.\"\"My man...\"\"Stared at the crossword, again, still couldn't budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St. Crispin's Day...\"\"What?\"\"I went into the breach again. I took,\" said Arthur, \"another biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met.\"\"Like this?\"\"Yes, well, no, not quite like that. But they met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you,\" said Arthur, \"that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time.\"\"I can imagine.”","author":"Douglas Adams","tags":["biscuits","douglas-adams","funny","humor","lol"]}
{"quote":"“The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.”","author":"Richard Denney","tags":["author","dark","fiction","funny","humor","inspirational","writing"]}
{"quote":"“I'm losing weight, you notice, Pop?”","author":"Arthur Miller,","tags":["funny","sad"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?”","author":"Martin Freeman","tags":["funny","humor","literacy","willful-ignorance"]}
{"quote":"“I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.”","author":"Liz Tuccillo,","tags":["funny","love","single"]}
{"quote":"“Aaron: Dude, one thing the guy said is you don’t taunt voodoo.Zak: Am I taunting?Aaron: Dude, you’re taunting the crap out of it!Zak: I am sorry, I am not taunting you I am just talking...Talking loudly.”","author":"Zak Bagans","tags":["funny","ghost"]}
{"quote":"“On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music; a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.”","author":"Walter Moers,","tags":["camels","funny","horses"]}
{"quote":"“Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”","author":"Yvonne Prinz,","tags":["camping","funny","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["funny","iron-man","knitting","pickle","reference-to-superheroes","spiderman","superheroes","superman"]}
{"quote":"“Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["being-in-charge","funny"]}
{"quote":"“He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].”","author":"Ewan McGregor","tags":["actors","funny","humor","star-wars"]}
{"quote":"“In one universe, they are gorgeous, straight-teethed, long-legged, wrapped in designer fashions, and given sports cars on their sixteenth birthdays. Teacher smile at them and grade them on the curve. They know the first names of the staff. They are the Pride of the Trojans. Oops – I mean Pride of the Blue Devils.In Universe #2, they throw parties wild enough to attract college students. They worship the stink of Eau de Jocque. They rent beach houses in Cancún during Spring Break and get group-rate abortions before prom.”","author":"Laurie Halse Anderson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that would be toxic to most living organisms. All to sanitize my body for your chewing pleasure.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Fang let out a low whistle. \"Anyone know that Amazons could ride a giant bird?\"Ethon gave him a duh stare. \"Those of us who fought them, yeah, we know. How you think they keep kicking our asses?\"\"Cause you're pansies. Everyone knows that.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["chainsaw","funny","scary","scowl","swan","tattoo"]}
{"quote":"“New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.”","author":"Jeannette Walls,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.”","author":"Will McIntosh,","tags":["funny","humor","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“Max, you're acting like a child, the Voice said. You're above rebelling against your fate just to rebel. You've got a date with destiny. Don't be late.\"I brushed some hair out of my eyes. Is that a movie quote? Or is it an actual date? I don't remember destiny asking me. I never even gave destiny my phone number.”","author":"James Patterson","tags":["funny","max"]}
{"quote":"“She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods. \"Okay, Andrew. But let's leave today. I'm in a hurry.\"\"Of course. Today.\" He stroked the place where his slight beard was beginning to grow. \"These ruins where your friends are waiting? Where are they?\"Tally glances up at the sun, still low enough to indicate the eastern horizon. After a moment's calculation, she pointed off to the northwest, back toward the city and beyond that, the Rusty Ruins. \"About a week's walk that way.\" \"A week?\"\"That means seven days.\"\"Yes, I know the gods' calendar,\" he said huffily. \"But a whole week?\"\"Yeah. That's not so far, is it?\" The hunters had been tireless on their march the night before. He shook his head, an awed expression on his face. \"But that is beyond the edge of the world.”","author":"Scott Westerfeld,","tags":["border","funny","time","world"]}
{"quote":"“Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["education","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.”","author":"Fred Allen","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar,","tags":["funny","lies","sex","theories"]}
{"quote":"“A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then \fthe desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity's piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead . . . Ah. Now I'm interested.”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["funny","vampire-joke","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Great minds think alike-especially when they are female.”","author":"Christina Dodd,","tags":["christina-dodd","dowager-queen","funny"]}
{"quote":"“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”","author":"Rodney Dangerfield","tags":["child","funny","humor","humour","kiddnapped","rodney-dangerfield"]}
{"quote":"“He swiveled his head towards Eddie. \"Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?\"If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore.\"Don't bother.\" Adrian cracked his knuckles. \"They're not going to tell you anything. They can't.\"What the fuck? \"I thought I worked for them.\"\"You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can.\"Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls.\"Help?\" he said. \"Where's my goddamned help?\"\"They gave you us, asshole,\" Adrian snapped. \"And that's all they can do--I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard.”","author":"J.R. Ward,","tags":["funny","humor","jim-adrian"]}
{"quote":"“You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["ethan-sanders","faythe-sanders","funny","prey","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with \"dog parties,\" and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["comedian","comedy","dogs","funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","humor","random"]}
{"quote":"“A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.'Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A horse blanket.”","author":"Sherwood Smith,","tags":["blanket","brother-and-sister","funny","horse"]}
{"quote":"“And I was all, \"Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry.\" (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["funny","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. “You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Don't you just hate that, you meet a girl she seems pretty nice, you tell all your friends and before you know it she turns out to be a vampire, don't you just hate it when that happens?”","author":"L.j Smith","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Close your eyes!\"\"You can't kiss me from down there, Wylan.\" \"Just do it!”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["funny","jesper-fahey","wylan-van-eck"]}
{"quote":"“How did I end up in this situation? I'm the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?”","author":"Andy Weir,","tags":["andy-weir","fiction","funny","sifi","space","the-martian"]}
{"quote":"“Must a name mean something?\" Alice asked doubtfully.Of course it must,\" Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; \"my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.”","author":"Lewis Carroll","tags":["alice","funny","humor","humpty-dumpty","in-the-looking-glass","meaning","name"]}
{"quote":"“See how the symbols stretch across all three shields? They represent a god.\"Hypnos frowned. \"There's a God of lions and knives and wineglasses? That seems incredibly specific.\"\"This god is Shezmu,\" said Enrique, rolling his eyes. \"He's seldom depicted, perhaps because he's at such odds with himself. On the other hand, he's the lord of perfumes and gracious oils, often considered something of a celebration deity.\"\"My kind of god,\" said Hypnos.\"He is also the god of slaughter, blood and dismemberment.\"\"I amend my original statement,\" said Hypnos.”","author":"Roshani Chokshi,","tags":["clues","deity","enrique","funny","god","hypnos"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you'll steal Nick's powers and kill them both,\" said Mae. \"Great idea. Hey, can i come? I'll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to let blood get on the sandwiches.”","author":"Sarah Rees Brennan,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.”","author":"Chesterton, G. K. (Gilbert Keith)","tags":["funny","gabriel-syme","lamp","order","tree"]}
{"quote":"“Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. \"How does he always get food stuck to him?\" I asked Morelli. \"I don't know,\" Morelli said. \"It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure.\"-Morelli And Stephanie”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","humor","morelli","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.”","author":"Victor Borge","tags":["borge","funny","humor","humorous","victor","victor-borge"]}
{"quote":"“I can't make out what they're saying; it sounds like: hiss, blah, she hiss, squeak. But the aunt appears to speak the native language.”","author":"Emma Chase,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“My dear fellow \" Said Albert, turning to Franz \" here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country.\" Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe.”","author":"Alexandre Dumas,","tags":["classic","funny","humor","idea"]}
{"quote":"“(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?”","author":"Victor Borge","tags":["borge","funny","humor","humorous","sneeze","victor","victor-borge"]}
{"quote":"“She's in the Catskill,\" Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. \"Ouch!\"I just wanted to distract you,\" Scathach explained. \"Don't even think about Black Annis. There are some names that should never be spoken aloud.\"That like saying don't think of elephants, Josh said, \"and then all you can think about is elephants.\"Then let me give you something else to think about,\" Scathach said softly. \"There are two police officers in the window staring at us. Don't look,\" she added urgently.Too late. Josh turned to look and whatever crossed his face--shock, horror, guilt or fear--bought both officers racing into the cafe, one pulling his automatic from its holster, the other speaking urgently into his radio as he drew his baton.”","author":"Michael Scott","tags":["cafe","elephants","funny","hilarious","shadow"]}
{"quote":"“How stupid, that someone so short could have such a presence.”","author":"Nora Sakavic,","tags":["aftg","andreil","andrew-minyard","funny","neil-josten","the-foxhole-court"]}
{"quote":"“One's 'thing'--(1) A point of personal interest; a hobby, sport, or avocation that succinctly defines a person. (2) A brief coupling of words used to evoke someone's personality in a small-talk setting:  Billy's thing used to be soccer; now it's masterbation.  (3) A laconic summation of one's character and interests used for the purpose of categorization and judgement. See also 'What do you do?”","author":"Joshua Braff,","tags":["definitions","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Again Creb grunted. It was the usual noncommittal comment used by men when responding to a woman. It carried only enough meaning to indicate the woman had been understood, without acknowledging too much significance in what she said.”","author":"Jean M Auel","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.”","author":"Weston Locher,","tags":["anecdote","comedy","essay","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Don't open the door to strangers,\" said her dad. \"Unless they're selling something. Then open the door and see if I'd like it. If I'd like it, buy it for me. But nothing cheap. I have standards. Nothing too expensive, either. My standards aren't that high.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["awesome","brilliant","crazy","fun-quote","funny","hilarious","hysterical","make-me-laugh","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script”","author":"Keiko Nobumoto","tags":["anime","black","cowboy-bebop","edward","funny","jet","manga","radical"]}
{"quote":"“Leggo my Eggo!”","author":"Kellogg","tags":["food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Every cell of my body says, ‘Oh god yes! Crime? I can do some crime!’ I want this ship like I’ve never wanted anything in my life. I had a poster of the first-ever Breakbolt model on my bedroom wall when I was nine. It’s like a manifestation of every dream I’ve ever had, everything I’ve ever wanted for myself: a piloting license, a beautiful ship under me, and stars out the viewport. Child Nax says, ‘Do it, do the crime!”","author":"M.K. England,","tags":["crime","dream","funny","humor","mk-england","sci-fi","spaceship","the-disasters"]}
{"quote":"“STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE”","author":"Charles Ghigna,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Which college?''Hmm?''Which college do you go to?'Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.''I'm sorry?''Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["crazy","funny","hilarious","humour","laugh","silly"]}
{"quote":"“Your father...isn't good with emotions.” “Yeah. Figured that out a while ago.” Like, when I was four and cried because our family cat died and he offered to have it stuffed as a means to make me feel better. It didn't.”","author":"Lindy Zart,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If we were not impressed by job titles, suits, and jargon, we would demand that financial advisors show us their personal bank statements before they tell us what we could or should do with our own money.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["adage","adages","advice","advices","advisor","advisors","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","bank","bank-statement","bank-statements","banks","bombast","bombastic","clothes","clothes-make-the-man","clothes-maketh-the-man","clothing","deep","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","financial-advice","financial-advices","financial-advisor","financial-advisors","financial-freedom","funny","gnome","gnomes","humor","humorous","humour","impress","impressed","impression","income","insightful","invest","investment","investments","jargon","job","job-title","job-titles","jobs","language","made-me-think","make-you-think","maxim","maxims","money","passive","passive-income","philosopher","policies","policy","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","rich","riches","salaries","salary","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","share","shareholder","shareholders","shareholding","shares","south-africa","south-african","suit","suits","tailor","tailor-made","tailored-suit","tailored-suits","tailors","thought-provoking","thoughtful","tuxedo","wage","wages","wealth","wealthy"]}
{"quote":"“I won't say that you're pretty because that dog already did. And I won't say you're funny because you have had me laughing since I met you.”","author":"Melissa Landers,","tags":["cute","funny","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?”","author":"Tate Hallaway,","tags":["funny","tall-dark-and-dead","tate-hallway"]}
{"quote":"“Are imperfections is which make we grate.”","author":"Craig Benzine","tags":["funny","imperfection","wheezywaiter"]}
{"quote":"“Have you guys ever thought about the fact that socks are like the donut holes of underpants?”","author":"Travis McElroy","tags":["donuts","funny","goof","humor","intellectual","travis-mcelroy"]}
{"quote":"“Andrew affected innocence but the twitch at the corner of his mouth gave him away. Andrew gave up the farce a couple seconds later and laughed. \"Guess she hit him one time too many. I warned her not to lay a hand on him, but she didn't listen to me. She got what was coming to her. Does that frighten you, Neil?\" \"My first memories are of people dying,\" Neil said. \"I'm not afraid of you.\" \"That's why you're so interesting,\" Andrew said. \"How aggravating.\" He sounded amused, not annoyed, so Neil said, \"I'll try to be more boring in the future.\" \"How considerate.”","author":"Nora Sakavic,","tags":["andrew-minyard","funny"]}
{"quote":"“SWAT? For me?\" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.\"Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo,\" said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time.\"Which one broke my nose?\"\"That'd be Dennis.”","author":"Morana Blue,","tags":["chandleresque","contemporary","crime","criminal-profiler","dark-humour","fast-pace","funny","intelligent","magical-realism","murder","murder-mystery","mystery","police","psychiatrist","psychological","serial-killer","strong-female-character","suspense","thriller"]}
{"quote":"“My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - \"\"I am NOT naming our child Buford...”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["buford","child","clockwork-prince","funny"]}
{"quote":"“This is really good,” Donovan Caine said, attacking his third strawberry pancake. “You sound surprised,” I said. He shrugged. “I just didn’t think an assassin would be able to cook like this.” “Well, I do get lots of practice with knives. You could say I’m multitasking.” The detective froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.”","author":"jennifer estep,","tags":["assassin","food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["adventure","adventures","airport","airports","excitement","experiences","flying","funny","i-love-to-travel","i-love-vacations","jet","journey","odd-humor","odd-observation","pollution","scents","travel","traveling","travelling","vacation"]}
{"quote":"“I can only drive slowly.\"\"That's all right.\"\"And I can only do left turns.\"Rose ran downstairs, grabbed a road atlas, and ran triumphantly back up again. \"Wales is left! Look! It's left all the way!”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["driving","funny","kids","left","sisters","trip"]}
{"quote":"“Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon","tags":["chronicles-of-nick","dark-hunter","funny","nhumour"]}
{"quote":"“You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it.\" \"You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["claire-danvers","funny","shane-collins"]}
{"quote":"“And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”","author":"George Carlin,","tags":["funny","funny-accidents","humor","star-trek"]}
{"quote":"“Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?”","author":"Ilona Andrews","tags":["2011","funny","ilona-andrews","ilona-andrews-website","kids","pie","thanksgiving"]}
{"quote":"“Daemon laughed \"I'm only at the service of one person in particular\"My cheeks flamed as I scooted my chair over. \"You are not servicing me in any way.\"He leaned in, closing my newly gained distance. \"Not yet.\"\"Oh, come on, Daemon I'm right here.\" Dee frowned. \"You're about to make me lose my appetite.\"\"Like that will ever happen.\" Lisa retorted with an eye roll.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","hot","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“Do you ride?\"She smiled, her fingers lightly sliding around his ear. \"Not since I hit that barn\"Zach’s hands paused on her flesh. \"You hit a barn?\" \"I had to avoid the cow”","author":"Shelly Laurenston,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Jackson asked, \"Where'd the water come from in your house?\"\"A pipe.\" Then he explained to Jackson, \"Water travels in pipes.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["arcana-chronicles","evie","flooding","funny","jack","jackson","kresley-cole","matthew","poison-princess","water"]}
{"quote":"“What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["alien-huntress","funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Stupid male ego.”","author":"Tera Lynn Childs,","tags":["forgive-my-fins","funny","stupid-male-ego","tera-lynn-childs"]}
{"quote":"“She hated Mr. Meanie. But she'd gotten to know him and they'd reached an understanding of sorts. Now she was to have him for supper.\"Don't tell me you're feeling guilty?\"Breaking off a piece of the wing, she brought it to her lips and took a bite. It did taste good. Very good.\"I wonder if all grouchy males are this palatable.\"Drew choked.She looked up, tilting her head. \"Are you all right?\"He turned a dull red. \"Eat your supper, Connie.”","author":"Deeanne Gist,","tags":["a-bride-most-begrudging","constance-connie","constance-morrow","deeanne-gist","drew","drew-o-conner","funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["failure","funny","humor","perseverance","persistence"]}
{"quote":"“She stretched, pulling out her earbuds, which apparently in Lykae was code for 'Interogate me,' because the questions, they came a-calling.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["funny","kresley-cole","lykae"]}
{"quote":"“Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to.”","author":"Lori Foster,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Let me get you all some punch,” I said.“You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky.“I'll be right back,” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.”","author":"Kenneth Oppel,","tags":["airborn","funny","humor","kate","matt","oppel","skybreaker","starclimber"]}
{"quote":"“If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.”","author":"Dana Marie Bell,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["careers","family","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","dirty","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","richard"]}
{"quote":"“He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable”","author":"Emma Goldrick","tags":["emma","funny","goldrick","harlequin-special-edition","hero","humor","romance","smile","wit","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?\"\"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","internet","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","sarcasm","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.\"\"You're a twisted little man.\"\"Come on, Stretch, share with the class.\"\"No!\" I laughed.\"Prude.\"\"Perv.\"\"Schoolmarm.\"\"Some other word that essentially means perv.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","perv","prude","richard","stretch"]}
{"quote":"“Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.\"\"If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["andrea","erectile-dysfunction","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? \"Chinatown?\" suggests someone. \"Costco?\" \"Butcher Boys.\" Tracy pulls his phone from a pocket. \"Hello, I'm from the university\" - the catchall preamble for unorthodox inquiries.”","author":"Mary Roach,","tags":["funny","stomach","university"]}
{"quote":"“I angle my head down and peer up at him through my lashes in what I hope is an alluring manner. I have zero experience in this area though, so it’s possible I look like a total moron.”","author":"Rachel  Morgan,","tags":["creepy-hollow","faerie-guardian","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Pritkin, it’s a hotel room, not a death trap!” A glance over his shoulder showed him impatient blue eyes under a fall of messy blond curls. “Anyway, you’re here.”“I can’t protect you from everything,” he forced himself to say, because it was true. It was also frankly terrifying in a way that his own mortality was not. He’d never had children, but he sometimes wondered if this was how parents felt when catching sight of a fearless toddler confidently heading toward a busy street. Not that his charge was a child, as he was all too uncomfortably aware. But the knowledge of just how many potentially lethal pitfalls lay in her path sometimes caused him that same heart-clenching terror.And the same overwhelming need to throw her over his lap and spank the living daylights out of her, he thought grimly, when she suddenly popped out of existence. “Cassie!”","author":"Karen Chance,","tags":["cassandra-palmer","cassie","cassie-palmer","funny","pritkin"]}
{"quote":"“Ava said her hand accidentally slipped and made contact with her guy's nose. I said Repeatedly? And she said, 'Uh, yeah. I'm really clumsy.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["ava","dallas","funny"]}
{"quote":"“What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["comical","funny","humor","humorous","humorous-quote"]}
{"quote":"“David tells me that fairies never say 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey'.”","author":"J.M. Barrie,","tags":["dancey","david","fairy","fantasy","funny","happy","j-m-barrie","peter-pan"]}
{"quote":"“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","quitting","reliability"]}
{"quote":"“Oh! That was poetry!\" said Pippin. \"Do you really mean to start before the break of day?”","author":"J.R.R. Tolkien,","tags":["adventure","funny","humour","lotr","pippin","poetry","travel"]}
{"quote":"“I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.”","author":"Patrick deWitt,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“So what's your team called?\" asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, \"We're called the Winmates because we're inmates who win.\" Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression for signs of delight. \"You gave yourselves a name?\" asked Constance. Now it was Kate's turn to be baffled. \"You didn't? How can you have a team without a name?”","author":"Trenton Lee Stewart,","tags":["funny","names"]}
{"quote":"“Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!”","author":"Kathryn Lasky,","tags":["funny","insult","nonsense","otulissa"]}
{"quote":"“Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","politicians"]}
{"quote":"“I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","heaven","humor","painting"]}
{"quote":"“Fuck,\" Ranger said.Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","ranger"]}
{"quote":"“Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.”","author":"Terry Pratchett","tags":["adventure","funny"]}
{"quote":"“All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him.  Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes!”","author":"Koushun Takami,","tags":["battle-royale","funny","mama","yutaka"]}
{"quote":"“I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.”This was met with silence.“Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?”“Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["funny","sex"]}
{"quote":"“We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon.”","author":"Gitty Daneshvari,","tags":["funny","smiles","smiling"]}
{"quote":"“If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side”","author":"Christina Dodd,","tags":["christina-dodd","funny","scottish"]}
{"quote":"“And I like a good horror story as much as the next person  so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her.”","author":"Meg Cabot,","tags":["feminism","funny"]}
{"quote":"“If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","love"]}
{"quote":"“I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["books","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing says \"deeply in mourning\" like canapés and free beer.”","author":"Mira Grant,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her eyes, all confident-like.\"Mom, meatloaf's like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. It should be outlawed, frankly, and serving it for dinner is like child abuse and should carry with it some pretty stiff penalties.”","author":"Hayden Thorne,","tags":["eric","funny","masks","meatloaf"]}
{"quote":"“Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar","tags":["funny","love","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie...”","author":"Alex Flinn,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Adam's hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It's like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist's secret laboratory”","author":"Daniel Waters,","tags":["funny","generation-dead","margi"]}
{"quote":"“What sort of look are you going for?” Damn, how did he answer this? “Something…normal,” he finally said.”","author":"Toni Blake,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets”","author":"Simon Holt,","tags":["aaron","funny","simon-holt","soulstice"]}
{"quote":"“Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You're going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?”","author":"Gary Ghislain,","tags":["funny","johnny-depp","laughs"]}
{"quote":"“It was safe to assume he'd not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy”","author":"Simon Holt,","tags":["funny","simon-holt","soulstice"]}
{"quote":"“The Princess BrideS. Morgenstern'sClassic Tale of True Loveand High AdventureYou had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it.”","author":"William Goldman,","tags":["admiration","authors","funny","high-expectations","narrative","princess-bride","william-goldman"]}
{"quote":"“Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["argue","arguing","argumentation","babble","babbling","correct","craftiness","debate","debating","deceit","english","fallacies","fallacy","funny","funny-but-true","humor","incorrect","justification","language","psychobabble","psychology","redefine","refutation","retorts","self-justification","study","wrongness"]}
{"quote":"“A true friend doesn't have guts; they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.”","author":"Michael Bassey Johnson","tags":["affection","baby","beat","beat-me","beating","beatings","beg","begging","bonhomie","camaraderie","childish","easy-going","fight","forgiveness","friendship","friendships","funny","game-of-love","gut","guts","humor","i-love-you","i-m-sorry","kneeling","little-things","love-game","michael-bassey-johnson","play","playing","plea","quarrel","quarrelsome","sweetheart","sympathy","true-friend","true-friends","truth"]}
{"quote":"“The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.”","author":"Mark Twain,","tags":["fun","funny","joke","laugh","mark-twain","masturbation","smoke"]}
{"quote":"“If there's a sexier sound on this planet than the person you're in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don't know what it is.”","author":"Julie Powell,","tags":["food","funny","spouses"]}
{"quote":"“I will not stand here to be insulted by you, hedgepig,\" Mangiz fumed.\"Then stand somewhere else and I'll insult you there, featherbag!!”","author":"Brian Jacques,","tags":["funny","insult","redwall"]}
{"quote":"“The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.”","author":"Gian-Carlo Rota,","tags":["achievement","apex","excitement","funny","humor","joke","math","mathematical","mathematicians","mathematics","science","upset"]}
{"quote":"“Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.”","author":"Kathy Reichs,","tags":["funny","hi","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Just curious,she mouthed.\"What? I didn't catch that.\"Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips.\"If you spoke out loud,\" he drawled, \"I might understand what you're saying.\"Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless'flat than the floor.\"Owww!\" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it.\"If you think I can understand that,\" he growled, \"you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”","author":"Julia Quinn,","tags":["funny","humourous-situations","julia-quinn"]}
{"quote":"“Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.”","author":"Andrew Smith","tags":["condoms","eww","funny","gross","humor","nuclear-waste","random","sensible","sexual","teen-sexuality","teenagers","teens","weird"]}
{"quote":"“Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.”","author":"Weston Locher,","tags":["anecdote","comedy","essay","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem,\" a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as we turned, his stance and movements almost synchronized to my own. We shared a look, our expressions almost identically similar, wit arched brows and half-smiles.\"What's the problem?\" I called out, scanning the faces to see who had spoken.\"You're a badass supermodel,\" Christian muttered under his breath at the same time, taking the mature approach, as usual.”","author":"Rebecca K. Lilley,","tags":["badass","best-friends","fight","funny","trouble"]}
{"quote":"“So you’ll have to wait for approval from your grandchildren.” “I wonder what our grandchildren will be like!” “Are you suggesting by that ‘our’ that you and I will have mutual grandchildren? Fie, Mrs. Kennedy!”","author":"Margaret Mitchell","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Unless philosophy can make a Juliet,Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom,It helps not, it prevails not.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.”","author":"John Hodgman","tags":["aol","areas-of-my-expertise","author","daily-show","funny","john-hodgman"]}
{"quote":"“You might be the scariest girl I've ever met,\" he told her.\"Let's not be dramatic,\" she said drily. \"I'm the only girl you can remember ever meeting.”","author":"Sherry Thomas,","tags":["funny","iolanthe","memory-loss","titus"]}
{"quote":"“There was a tiny box left on the table by the window- a box the Mor lifted, squinted and the name tag, and said, \"Az, this one's for you.\"The shadowsinger's brows lifted, but his scarred hand extended to take the present.Elain turned from where she'd been speaking to Nesta. \"Oh, that's from me.\"Azriel's face didn't so much as shift at the words. Not even a smile as he opened the present and revealed-\"I had Madja make it for me,\" Elain explained. Azreil's brows narrowed at the mention of the family's preferred healer. \"It's a powder to mix in with any drink.\"Silence.Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly. \"It's for the headaches everyone always gives you. Since you rub your temples so often.\"Silence again.Then Azriel tipped his head back and laughted.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["acotar","azriel","elain","funny","presents","sarahjmaas"]}
{"quote":"“She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed.”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","labor"]}
{"quote":"“Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. \"Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let'em go. If they don't come back, hunt'em down and kill'em! ”","author":"Alex Sanchez,","tags":["alex-sanchez","freedom","funny","gettinf-it","hunt","love"]}
{"quote":"“He laughed and was about to retort when she grabbed his collar and pulled him into her. She clamped her lips around his mouth and mashed her face into his. He took a step back in surprise and she went with him, stepping in a patch of wet floor. Her legs went out from under her and flailed as she fell, whacking him in the throat on the way down. She looked up at him as he gagged and coughed, and from across the corridor she could hear Tanith laughing hysterically. \"I think I need practice,\" Valkyrie muttered.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["awkward-beginnings","first-kiss","funny","valkyrie-cain"]}
{"quote":"“The doorbell rang, making me and Roland jump. Nikolas opened the door to admit Chris whose good-natured smile did not falter even when he saw our grim faces. Then he saw Remy. I didn’t think I had ever seen someone’s eyes go that round before. Roland shoved a glass of Nate’s whiskey into Chris’s hand while Nikolas brought him up to speed on all he had missed.”","author":"Karen  Lynch,","tags":["funny","haha"]}
{"quote":"“This shit is what would happen if the devil fell asleep in Santa's sleigh and had a wet dream while Rudolf licked his ass to the beat of a choir singing Amazing Grace.”","author":"Ashleyjo","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Mama, Ollie taught me how to play ‘Let It Go’ on guitar,” Crista piped up in a muffled voice as she pulled her pajama shirt over her head. Aunt Linda shot me a look that was half sheer terror, half witch hunt. The face of someone at peak Frozen saturation. I didn’t, I swear, I mouthed, making chopping motions by my neck.”","author":"Sophie Gonzales,","tags":["funny","let-it-go"]}
{"quote":"“Usually the thought process for a seventeen-year-old boy went girl touching me > omg > boner.”","author":"Leah Raeder,","tags":["funny","haha","humor"]}
{"quote":"“It was a monumental achievement that the serpentine tc'a had once upon a time gotten the knnn to understand the concept of trade: so nowadays knnn simply contacted a station, rushed onto its methane-dock and deposited whatever they liked, grabbed whatever they wanted and left. This was an improvement over their former behavior, in which they simply looted and left.”","author":"C.J. Cherryh,","tags":["alien","funny","negotiation","piracy","trade"]}
{"quote":"“The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["aphorism","aphorisms","argument","arguments","arrest","corruption","crime","debate","democracy","dialogue","discourse","discussion","election","elections","felony","funny","humor","humour","incarceration","jail","kleptocracy","money","opposition","parliament","party","politics","prison","quote-of-the-day","quoteoftheday","ruling-party","satire","the-opposition","theft","vote","voter","voters","while-collar"]}
{"quote":"“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["afterlife","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","dead","death","die","funny","greed","greedy","hereafter","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","ignorance","ignorant","immortal","immortality","joke","jokes","life-after-death","live-forever","mortal","mortality","satire","satisfaction"]}
{"quote":"“He nodded.\"\"He kind-of-halfway-sort-of-nodded-but-it-might-have-been-a-random-twitch.”","author":"Brandon Sanderson,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I reach up and pat them both on the head. \"Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you'd be kissing him every chance you had, too.”","author":"C.J. Redwine,","tags":["cute","funny","jodi","kiss","logan-mcentire","rachel","willow"]}
{"quote":"“Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.”","author":"Helen Fielding,","tags":["bridget-jones","funny","mad-about-the-boy","texting"]}
{"quote":"“The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. \"Is that a coatrack?\"Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. \"If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.\"\"Yes,\" said Jace. \"Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-fallen-angels","coatrack","coats","funny","humor","jace-lightwood","jace-wayland","jordan-kyle","simon-lewis","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“Haiku sounds like I'mSaying hi to someone namedKu. Hi, Ku. Hello.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["funny","haiku"]}
{"quote":"“Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.”","author":"Ellen Degeneres","tags":["funny","random","seriously-i-m-kidding","worth-reading"]}
{"quote":"“Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .”“No. What a horrible thought.”“Exactly.”","author":"Eoin Colfer,","tags":["artemis-fowl","dwarfs","funny","orion"]}
{"quote":"“I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.”","author":"Maureen Johnson,","tags":["death","funny","humor","humour","lambs","slaughter","twilight"]}
{"quote":"“She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.”","author":"Stieg Larsson,","tags":["funny","make-up"]}
{"quote":"“Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.”","author":"Tad Williams,","tags":["ancestors","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.”","author":"Beth Fantaskey,","tags":["bloodsuckers","funny","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.”","author":"Amanda Hocking,","tags":["alice","funny","hit","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.”","author":"Claudia Gray,","tags":["boyfriends","funny","money","wealth"]}
{"quote":"“Look, I'm a guy. Your ass was touching my groin. Of course I'm going to pop a boner. It's a natural reaction.”","author":"Gwen Hayes,","tags":["funny","jimmy-foster","layney-logan"]}
{"quote":"“She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["food","funny","jane-jameson","mama","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“Idiot,\" I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. \"We need to pick new pet names for each other,\" he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","pet-names"]}
{"quote":"“All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["comical","funny","funny-humor","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor\/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. \"I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.”","author":"T.J. Klune,","tags":["burn","catharsis","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?\"Gabriel looked wounded. \"To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--\"\"That's very comforting, thank you.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","questions"]}
{"quote":"“Get the point?\" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. \"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","postkill-comeback","richard","sarcasm","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain.”","author":"Snooki","tags":["funny","random","weird"]}
{"quote":"“Your perception is riveting, Amal,\" he says in a bored and sarcastic tone, dropping the note down on my desk. \"It's comforting to know that there are people in my class who have the maturity and intelligence to make derogatory comments about other people's external appearances.\"Now what am I supposed to say to that?\"What do you have to say for yourself?\"Friggin' mind reader.”","author":"Randa Abdel-Fattah,","tags":["funny","mind-reader","note-passing","teacher"]}
{"quote":"“Jane Jameson.\"He grinned. \"Like the porn star.\"I gaped at him. \"What? No, Jane Jameson.\"\"Oh, not as fun,\" he said, making disappointed clucking noises.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","porn-star","richard"]}
{"quote":"“I offered you a choice, and you took it.\"I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. \"Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber?”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["choices","funny","gabriel","gonorrhea","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth...Look, there they are.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["anger","aunt-jettie","funny","jane-jameson","mama","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.\"\"I was curious!”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["bloodsucker","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","vampire","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you.\"\"'Awkward' is the word du jour,\" I agreed. \"So, I make you nervous?\"\"Not quite nervous,\" he said. \"Just unsettled.\"I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. \"Unsettled, that's even better.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","unsettled"]}
{"quote":"“Would you kick her ass already?\" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. \"Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad.\"I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, \"She tried to hurt Fitz!\" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. \"That'll get her mad.\"Gabriel rolled his eyes. \"She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?\" \"You tried to hurt my dog!\" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","dog","fitz","funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","richard","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“I said I was sorry, Dani...\" Kevin said, as they entered the apartment.\"I'm so not talking to you.\"\"I couldn't help it! She was so funny, and you were blushing, and... gawd, Dani, I couldn't help it!\"\"You just had to get us all soft pretzels, didn't you... just had to make sure we'd walk right by that lingerie store...\"\"Dani... it, uh, it hadn't even occurred to me-\"\"I hate you! When I go to therapy about this, I'm going to send you the bill!\"\"You're beautiful when your angry.\"\"Then I must be fucking gorgeous right now!\"\"You are.\"\"... Well, I'm still not talking to you.”","author":"Failte,","tags":["cute","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I have a funny side. I have a soft and sympathetic side. I have a serious side, and a seriously romantic side. I have lots of sides; it's the main course I haven't quite figured out.”","author":"Richelle E. Goodrich,","tags":["funny","personality","richelle","richelle-goodrich","sides"]}
{"quote":"“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”","author":"Dylan Moran","tags":["drugs","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.”","author":"Jane Austen,","tags":["funny","girls","humor","mean","ugly"]}
{"quote":"“Ah, damn it, lass,'he called after her. 'I've busted my stitches wide open.''What?'she cried, hurrying back to him. 'Let me see!''Ah-ha!' He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.'You still care for me!”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["care","funny","love","romance"]}
{"quote":"“OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It's not like I was reading books or anything.”","author":"Gary D. Schmidt,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.”","author":"Jerome K. Jerome,","tags":["funny","humour","thinking"]}
{"quote":"“What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.”","author":"Lewis Carroll,","tags":["children","funny","jokes","meaning","trying"]}
{"quote":"“Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. \"Okay, look.\" Deb's face was dead serious. \"I know I just joined this project, and I don't want to offend anyone. But I'm going to be honest. I think you've been going about this all wrong.\" \"I'm offended,\" Dave told her flatly.”","author":"Sarah Dessen,","tags":["funny","sarah-dessen","what-happened-to-goodbye"]}
{"quote":"“Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now.”","author":"Kate Quinn,","tags":["calpurnia","comeback","funny","insult","kate-quinn","mistress-of-rome"]}
{"quote":"“You totally love him. He's your widdle snookums.”","author":"Thea Harrison,","tags":["funny","paranormal-romance","romance"]}
{"quote":"“The inside is packed with people. Lots of them crowding the bar, passing drinks back for people to carry to tables. A bunch of guys are pouring shots of vodka.\"To Zacharov!\" one toasts.\"To open hearts and open bars!\" calls another.\"And open legs,\" says Anton.”","author":"Holly Black,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“And if that is the Foremast, what do you think that sail might be called, Mr. Wheeler?\"\"The Foresail?\"\"Very good, Mr. Wheeler, and the next one up would be called...\"...\"The Next Sail, Sir?\"\"Alas, no, Mr. Wheeler.”","author":"L. A. Meyer","tags":["funny","sails","under-the-jolly-roger"]}
{"quote":"“Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.”","author":"Harper Lee","tags":["funny","jem"]}
{"quote":"“Totally drained he could only manage one but he made it a good one tongue included. “Delicious ” he murmured.  “So depraved ” Colton muttered.  “Thank you.”  “Get off me.”  “Mine ”  “Stings.”  “Boohoo.”","author":"Finn Marlowe,","tags":["bdsm","cute","funny","m-m-paranormal","m-m-romanc","shifters","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","kung-fu"]}
{"quote":"“According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That's crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can't reach, and it certainly wasn't free.”","author":"Josh Lieb,","tags":["funny","robot"]}
{"quote":"“I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.”","author":"Andrea Cremer,","tags":["fantasy","funny","humor","skirt","werewolf"]}
{"quote":"“so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.”","author":"Snooki","tags":["funny","funny-and-random"]}
{"quote":"“Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade.\"You got someone better coming over?\" Wade asked him.\"Pizza,\" Tag said.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“What part of Canada are you from, honey?\"\"THE LEFT PART,\" said Jay.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["canada","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”","author":"Jean Shepherd","tags":["funny","humor","humorist"]}
{"quote":"“I live on shameless flattery...and vodka...but the two usually go hand in hand.”","author":"V. Vee","tags":["alcohol","flattery","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn't been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.”","author":"Elizabeth C. Bunce,","tags":["funny","goblet","moth-eaten","tablecloth"]}
{"quote":"“I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)”","author":"William Shakespeare","tags":["funny","hamlet","hat"]}
{"quote":"“That's worst than gonerreha, man!”","author":"Ned Vizzini,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Excuse me, your attention please.” He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. “For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.”","author":"Wendelin Van Draanen,","tags":["funny","hehe"]}
{"quote":"“There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.”","author":"Arthur C. Clarke,","tags":["alcohol","drink","drunk","funny","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“The skanky vamp biting for bucks on the dark end of state street is your ex boyfriend?\" William asked. The look on William's face implied he hoped I washed after interacting with Parrish”","author":"Tate Hallaway,","tags":["funny","garnet-lacey","william"]}
{"quote":"“How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["funny","funny-humor","funny-satire","humor","humorist","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Now how do I access Google?”Was he serious? “Why do you need Google?”“When don’t you need Google?”He was serious. “How about when you have a powerful, multimillion dollar government interface linked to numerous intelligence agencies across the globe right in front of you.”Dex squinted at him, his lips pursed thoughtfully. “So… is that a no on Google?”“Are you on medication?”","author":"Charlie Cochet,","tags":["dex-driving-sloane-crazy","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio!”","author":"Daniel Clowes,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.”","author":"Gideon Defoe,","tags":["funny","maps","pirates"]}
{"quote":"“When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy.Matthew laughed and dropped it.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["arcana-chronicles","evie","funny","jackson","matthew","poison-princess","weapons"]}
{"quote":"“I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy.”","author":"Tad Williams,","tags":["driving","funny","men-and-women"]}
{"quote":"“Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Through lightest dark or darkest light, You dont need no bling to join the fight. We're mercs with mouths and so much more, Yippee-ki-yay, we're the Deadpool Corps!”","author":"Deadpool","tags":["comics","deadpool","deadpool-corps","funny","marvel"]}
{"quote":"“(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd'enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation.”","author":"Diane Duane,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Have they built cities on the moon?\" another boy asked hopefully.\"We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.”","author":"Ransom Riggs,","tags":["funny","hilarious"]}
{"quote":"“Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard...”","author":"Haven Kimmel,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Once a Buddha, always a Buddha, Sam. Dust off some of your old parables. You have about fifteen minutes.' Sam held out his hand. \"Give me some tobacco and a paper.”","author":"Roger Zelazny,","tags":["buddhism","funny","religion","sf"]}
{"quote":"“As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him vague, fickle, irresponsible creatures, who wallowed in relativism like hippopotami in mud, with their nostrils barely protruding into the air of common-sense. They happily tolerated the existence of opinions contrary to their own — they even, for God’s sake, sometimes changed their minds. Their pathetic attempts at profundity were qualified out of existence and largely interrogative in mode. They liked to begin a paper with some formula like, ‘I want to raise some questions about so-and-so’, and seemed to think they had done their intellectual duty by merely raising them. This manoeuvre drove Morris Zapp insane. Any damn fool, he maintained, could think of questions; it was answers that separated the men from the boys.”","author":"David Lodge","tags":["academia","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards.”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","lawyers"]}
{"quote":"“All right, my hope—but I am not saying the rest of it—I have something you need to feel.”She feigned the sound of outrage. “But we barely know each other, sir!”He laughed softly. “But you must hold it in your hand and feel it change,” he urged, in her ear. “I insist. I can wait no longer.”She knew they were on a serious subject, but the flutter of his breath on her skin, the low drawl of his words—heat raced along all her nerve endings. “Will I like it?”“Well, I do have to apologize for its size. It is rather small.” And with that, he pressed something rather small into her hand.”","author":"Sherry Thomas,","tags":["funny","iolanthe","size","titus"]}
{"quote":"“A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!” he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena's small ugly face.\" - Rhett Butler”","author":"Margaret Mitchell,","tags":["funny","ironic"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I’d just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you’d been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss. 
”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Rubenesque: the word for masterpiece curves. Screw you, unsalted rice cakes.”","author":"Christine Heppermann,","tags":["body-image","curves","fat","funny","women"]}
{"quote":"“Since Love is a greased pig wasn't a particularly dignified motto, she decided the Latin translation was more elegant: Amor est uncta porcus.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["funny","historical-fiction","historical-romance","victorian-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.”","author":"George Jean Nathan","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.”","author":"Weston Locher,","tags":["anecdote","comedy","essays","funny","hilarious","humor"]}
{"quote":"“America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.”","author":"Robin Sloan,","tags":["america","funny","google","society"]}
{"quote":"“I'm leaving the door partly open,\" he says as he follows Tegan. \"You scream if you need me.\"Once he is outside, Richard says, \"He does realize that if he hears your scream, it's already too late.”","author":"J.A. London,","tags":["funny","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.”","author":"Weston Locher,","tags":["anecdote","comedy","essay","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as 'his grace' or even simply 'the king' instead of 'that creature,' by the way.”","author":"Susan Higginbotham,","tags":["funny","master-catesby","the-stolen-crown"]}
{"quote":"“How are we going to get out of here?\"\"Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.\"\"Do we have the right plan?\"\"Not yet.\"\"Do we have any plan?\"\"Not yet.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["awesome","clever","epic","funny","hilarious","humor","humour","make-me-laugh","silly"]}
{"quote":"“It would seem very silly to start a conversation with a common hedgehog. They are not at all like cats, who surely understand the human language.”","author":"Erin Forbes,","tags":["cats","cats-humo","fantasy","funny","hedgehog","ya-books"]}
{"quote":"“Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful.”","author":"Katie McGarry,","tags":["abs","attractive","funny","hot","oz"]}
{"quote":"“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","attend","believe","crazy","dead","death","defense-mechanism","defense-mechanisms","denial","denial-of-death","die","funeral","funerals","funny","gone-too-soon","hereafter","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","immortal","immortality","insane","insanity","joke","jokes","life","life-after-death","life-and-death","mortal","mortality","mourn","quotations","quotes","rest-in-peace","rip","sane","sanity","satire","sincere","sincerity","the-hereafter"]}
{"quote":"“It's a joke in the zoo business, a weary joke, that the paperwork involved in trading a shrew weighs more than an elephant, that the paperwork involved in trading an elephant weighs more than a whale, and that you must never try to trade a whale, never.”","author":"Yann Martel,","tags":["funny","paperwork"]}
{"quote":"“The most effective cross-examination of Linda Kasabian was surprisingly that of Ronald Hughes. Though this was his first trial, and he frequently made procedural mistakes, Hughes was familiar with the hippie subculture, having been a part of it. He knew about drugs, mysticism, karma, auras, vibrations, and when he questioned Linda about these things, he made her look just a little odd, just a wee bit zingy. He had her admitting that she believed in ESP, that there were times at Spahn when she actually felt she was a witch.  Q. \"Do you feel that you are controlled by Mr. Manson's vibrations?\" A. \"Possibly.\" Q. \"Did he put off a lot of vibes?\" A. \"Sure, he's doing it right now.\" Hughes \"May the record reflect, Your Honor, that Mr. Manson is merely sitting here.\" Kanarek \"He doesn't seem to be vibrating.”","author":"Vincent Bugliosi,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Go out with me tomorow night,\" Perry went on. \"Let me prove to you that I'm the guy you want.\"\"I...I guess I coul go out tomorrow night,\" Miranda sounded shocked and a little swept off her feet.Then, from the corner of her eyes. Kylie saw something move at the office window. When she looked back, she spotted Burnett and Holiday standing there high-fiving each other. No doubt Burnett was listening to the coversation and sharing the details with Holiday.Perry nodded, stepped closer, and then pressed a quick kiss on Miranda's cheek. It had to be the most romantic thing Kylie had ever seen. ...\"What?\" Miranda asked. \"You're happy my date [with Todd] wasn't exciting?\" \"No,\" Kylie said. \"Let's just say we're more excited about tomorrow night's date.\"A bright smile lit up Miranda's face. \"Me too. Can you believ Perry did that? I mean, he was so...\"\"Romantic,\" Kylie said.\"Hot,\" Della added.\"Sweet,\" Miranda whispered. \"I couldn't stop thinkibng about him all night.\"And that was the best news Kylie had gotten all day.”","author":"C.C. Hunter,","tags":["burnett","cute","della","funny","holiday","kylie","miranda","perry","romantic","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["adrian","dirty","funny","hathaway","humor","ivashkov","joke","lol","rose"]}
{"quote":"“The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["arrogance","arrogant","belief","bias","clan","country","estimate","estimated","estimation","family","funny","funny-but-true","humor","illogical","inferior","inferiority","irrational","logic","mystery","nation","nationalism","patriot","patriotic","patriotism","people","percent","percentage","pride","prideful","sarcasm","sarcastic","stat","statistic","statistics","stats","superior","superiority","true"]}
{"quote":"“Scott Waldron.' 'What?' Robbie's lip curled in a glimace of disgust. 'The jockstrap? Why, does he need you to teach him how to read?' I scowled at him. 'Just because he's captain of the football team doesn't mean you can be a jerk. Or are you jealous?' 'Oh, of course, that's it,' Robbie said with a sneer. 'I've always wanted the IQ of a rock. No, wait. That would be an insult to the rock...”","author":"Julie Kagawa,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.”","author":"Heidi Cullinan,","tags":["britney-spears","funny","music"]}
{"quote":"“If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.”","author":"Simone Elkeles,","tags":["funny","humor","names"]}
{"quote":"“I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been. —Enid Healy”","author":"Seanan McGuire,","tags":["funny","hilarious"]}
{"quote":"“Myrnin was silent for a beat, and then he said, \"Bob would be very disappointed in you.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","morganville"]}
{"quote":"“It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you're human popcorn”","author":"James Patterson","tags":["fang","funny","max","popcorn","ride"]}
{"quote":"“Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["funny","officer-koenig","shiver"]}
{"quote":"“Lia let out a low growl and moved her arrow to the base of his fat throat. \"What do you think, Gabi? Would you like to see these nuptials through?\"\"Not this day,\" I said\"How about on the morrow?\" Marcello asked, smiling and lifting my hand to his lips. \"If I am your groom?\"\"Hold that eHarmony thought,\" Lia whispered in English. \"We gotta get out of here.”","author":"Lisa Tawn Bergren,","tags":["cascade","funny","gabriella","lia","marcello"]}
{"quote":"“...that was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.”","author":"Beth Revis,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“But he is an Italian,\" was Umberto's sensible reply. \"He doesn't care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing the shoes I gave you?...principessa?\"I looked down at my flip-flops. \"I guess I'm toast.”","author":"Anne Fortier,","tags":["funny","shoes"]}
{"quote":"“It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.”","author":"Catherine Gilbert Murdock,","tags":["dating","funny","humor","humour","size"]}
{"quote":"“The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.”","author":"Scott Westerfeld,","tags":["funny","humor","ruins","rusty"]}
{"quote":"“In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","mystery","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“Impressive,\" Court offered, gallantly bending to retrieve the shoe. \"You should join the theater.\"\"Fuck you.\"\"I owed you that.\"\"Revenge is a dish best served with a side of handcuffs and a hard ass-fucking. Remember that.\"Really is a dirty fighter. Goddamn.”","author":"Finn Marlowe,","tags":["contemporary","funny","intense","m-m-romance","supernatural"]}
{"quote":"“Just because we don't understand why they'd cover up something doesn't mean they aren't,\" Bobby said, and we both turned to look at him. \"Now you just sound paranoid,\" I said. \"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you,\" Bobby said with an expression so serious that I couldn't help but laugh.”","author":"Amanda Hocking,","tags":["bobby","funny","paranoid","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.”","author":"Plato,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You flatter me shamelessly. I like it. Good.”","author":"Kenneth Oppel,","tags":["funny","humor","kate","matt","skybreaker"]}
{"quote":"“Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,\" I said to Ziggy.\"I'll try,\" Ziggy said, \"but it's a hard habit to break.”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","stephine-plum","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“For if it is rash to walk into a lion's den unarmed, rash to navigate the Atlantic in a rowing boat, rash to stand on one foot on top of St. Paul's, it is still more rash to go home alone with a poet.”","author":"Virginia Woolf,","tags":["funny","poet","virginia-woolf"]}
{"quote":"“We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["comedy","dracula","funny","gabriel","jane-jameson","molly-harper","movie","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs"]}
{"quote":"“How do you know?”“Well, I don’t, I’m making this up, but I bet I’m right.”","author":"Robyn Carr","tags":["contemporary-romance","cute","funny","humour","romance","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“Wow,” she said. “Do you realise how wonderful you sound?”“Yes, I do,” he said with a firm nod. “And I think I’m underappreciated.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["contemporary-romance","cute","funny","humour","romance","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis with superfast Wi-Fi.”","author":"Laura Ruby,","tags":["california","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","sex","zeb"]}
{"quote":"“The room fell silent. I frankly didn't know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help, all that he'd done would crumble.Plus, I like being called his only hope. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobi.”","author":"Tod Goldberg,","tags":["funny","humor","jedi","leia","spy","star-wars"]}
{"quote":"“Контрабас -- это больше, как бы этовыразиться, препятствие, чем инструмент.”","author":"Patrick Süskind,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!”","author":"Carroll Bryant","tags":["funny","funny-humor","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted him allows of his following his vocation without having to think about other people.”","author":"Arthur Schopenhauer,","tags":["art-of-literature","funny","misanthropy","philosophy","poets","schopenhauer"]}
{"quote":"“So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.”","author":"Yahtzee Croshaw","tags":["america","americans","funny","superheroes"]}
{"quote":"“I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to Paris: there's a European specialist there, he treats noses. You go to Paris, he examines your nose: I can treat only your right nostril, he says, I don't treat left nostrils, it's not my specialty, but after me, go to Vienna, there's a separate specialist there who will finish treating your left nostril.”","author":"Fyodor Dostoyevsky,","tags":["funny","health","over-specialization","science"]}
{"quote":"“A teacher had once told them that men were either beasts, gentlemen, or beasts masquerading as gentlemen. Might there be a fourth category — gentlemen masquerading as beasts?”","author":"Sabrina Jeffries,","tags":["funny","heiresses","men"]}
{"quote":"“All men are equal before fish.”","author":"Herbert Hoover","tags":["equality","fish","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["funny","humor","writing"]}
{"quote":"“You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex.\"Bob's voice got defensive. \"It's an academic interest, Harry.\"\"Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's houses.\"\"Wait a minute. My academia doesn't just peep -\"I held up a hand. \"Save it. I don't want to hear it.\"He grunted. \"You're trivializing what getting out for a bit means to me, Harry. You're insulting my masculinity.\"\"Bob,\" I said, \"you're a skull . You don't have any masculinity to insult.\"\"Oh yeah?\" Bob challenged me. \"Pot kettle black, Harry! Have you gotten a date yet? Huh? Most men have something better to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets.”","author":"Jim Butcher,","tags":["banter","bob","funny"]}
{"quote":"“We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how”","author":"Dave Barry,","tags":["big","funny","humor","leonard","trouble"]}
{"quote":"“He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["costume","cute","duckling","funny","kitten","laugh","puppy"]}
{"quote":"“Life is too short to dance with ugly men”","author":"Christina Dodd,","tags":["christina-dodd","funny","so-true"]}
{"quote":"“I'm thirty-six years old and I've been married once and he left and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like I can't be vulnerable. Can't relax. It's exhausting, always being on the defensive, keeping my guard up. I feel like Cuba.”","author":"Noah Hawley,","tags":["cuba","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over”","author":"Sabine Hein","tags":["funny","games","life","tetris"]}
{"quote":"“This is Simba,\" Nicole said, pointing to the lion. \"Is he dangerous?\" Asked Chase.\"Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much.”","author":"Roland Smith,","tags":["funny","runners","storm"]}
{"quote":"“Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on \"play dates,\" or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["comedy","dogs","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, A-D-D,” she called out to Claire, “come over and try these on.”","author":"Kimberly Derting","tags":["funny","love","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. \"How's it hanging?\" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!”","author":"Barry Lyga,","tags":["funny","humour","nudity","self-consciousness"]}
{"quote":"“But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict!\" said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. \"And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it!”","author":"Trenton Lee Stewart,","tags":["funny","guests","host","sarcasm","visitors"]}
{"quote":"“Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.”","author":"Rob Sheffield,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Can I have Jake and Coke--uh, Jack and Cock”","author":"J.L. Langley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["funny","martial-arts","uniforms"]}
{"quote":"“The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Actually, I came because I have a last-minute invitation. My friend Erika Gill is having a big party tomorrow night, one of those all-out birthday bashes that girls like. Want to go?\"----------------------------------------\"No. Sorry.\"\"Since it's a catered thing, at a restaurant, I'll pick you up at- what did you say?\"\"I'm sorry. I can't do it.\"----------------------------------------\"You're busy?\"\"I just can't do it,\" I said.”","author":"Elizabeth Chandler,","tags":["anna","dark-secrets","date","elizabeth-chandler","funny","psychic","quote","the-back-door-of-midnight","zack"]}
{"quote":"“don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male”","author":"Keisha Keenleyside","tags":["funny","humour","random"]}
{"quote":"“Is that clear?\" said Borcht \"as clear as pea soup\" I said”","author":"James Patterson","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The sign said \"eight items or less\". So I changed my name to Les.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["antennae","ants","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["comedian","funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He looked like a dick.”","author":"Sarah Mayberry,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“After this, I can't resist. \"Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide.”","author":"Cindy Martinusen-Coloma,","tags":["fat","funny"]}
{"quote":"“There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["bathroom","dumb","funny","question"]}
{"quote":"“He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec.” Back into the phone he said, “He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!” he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?\"\"Only a man would think of that.It's our job,\" said Moist. \"If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["danger","funny","humor","irony","men","weapons"]}
{"quote":"“The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.”","author":"Sean Covey,","tags":["funny","history","old-inaccurate-sayings"]}
{"quote":"“I saw you put rice in a toaster once,\" said Mae. \"I was there when made the tin of beans explode.\"\"It was faulty,\" Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. \" I am sure of this.”","author":"Sarah Rees Brennan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I wish I had only offered youa sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.''And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.''Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.''Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.''Just let me look at the cash.''No, sir; you are not to be trusted.”","author":"Charlotte Brontë,","tags":["funny","money"]}
{"quote":"“Kirigin cleared his throat. \"It's of no matter to me. I just wondered if I should have that cordial she likes waiting. Is Commander Nazalensky well? \"\"Pretty as a picture and brimming with spite.\" \"She is lovely, isn't she?\" said Kirigin dreamily....”","author":"Leigh Bardugo,","tags":["beauty","commander","funny","king-of-scars","nikolai-lantsov","spite","woman","zoya-nazyalensky"]}
{"quote":"“I didn't say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley.\"\"Don't mock me on my sister's wedding day!\"\"I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad,\" was Darcy's reply.”","author":"Marsha Altman,","tags":["funny","marsha-altman","mr-bingley","mr-darcy"]}
{"quote":"“What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, \"I want to love, I want to live...”","author":"David Sedaris,","tags":["cleaning","funny","humor","joke"]}
{"quote":"“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, \"She only speaks Cantonese.\"\"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'\"\"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?\"\"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga.\"\"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls.\"\"That's some bullshit, Troy.\"\"It's her couch.”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["funny","humourous-situations"]}
{"quote":"“I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny","insult","pompey"]}
{"quote":"“The Barbies with their stick legs and rocket breasts were another problem Megan had to endure. She was supposed to spend hours dressing up or playing house with them, including the darker ones she was supposed to find more relatable. In a fit she'd once tried to commit Barbicide, defaced them with colored marker pens, chopped off hair, extracted eyes with scissors and de-limbed a few... The Barbie invasion proliferated on birthdays and at Christmas, relatives talked about incredible collection, as if she'd actually chosen to have them in her life.”","author":"Bernardine Evaristo,","tags":["diverse-books","feminism","fiction","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I thought, What a miserable life he's had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one than I will ever be.Part ofme wanted to get up and apologize to him right there and say, You go and be a driver in Delhi.You never did anything to hurt me. Forgive me, brother.I turned to the other side, farted, and went back to sleep.”","author":"Aravind Adiga,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.”","author":"Anne Stuart,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm”","author":"David Cross,","tags":["babies","funny","funny-but-sad","humor"]}
{"quote":"“We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....'No, you won't.'We will,' stated the robot simply.No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....'You will not,' said Zaphod.And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86)”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny","humor","robot"]}
{"quote":"“An arrogant laughs at repentance.”","author":"Toba Beta,","tags":["arrogant","funny","repentance"]}
{"quote":"“Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.”","author":"Daniel Waters,","tags":["funny","generation-dead","phoebe"]}
{"quote":"“There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade's hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged. He got numbers written on him a lot; he'd never figured out how to stop that from happening.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“You have better luck than you think you do,” Cian said firmly.Turning back toward him, she said, “Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that's my bad luck,” he corrected her.”","author":"Rhiannon Frater,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain’t scored a triple.”","author":"Sarah Hall","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?\" - Aunt Edna”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What do you think, Galen?\" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice.Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively.It's very unique,\" he said, trying to look intrigued instead of disgusted. \"It's excellent.\"Lady Fern looked satisfied and turned to say something to her husband, while Galen added quietly under his breath, \"...not.\"--The Fire Stone”","author":"Riley Carney,","tags":["food","funny","lady-fern"]}
{"quote":"“Says O'Sullivan to me, \"Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?\" \"Certainly,\" says I; \"what can I do for you?\" \"Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay,\" says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. \"But what will you be wantin' of them?\" says I. \"'Twill be a great favour,\" says O'Sullivan. \"But it's my only pair,\" says I; \"and you have a pair of your own,\" says I. \"Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather,\" says O'Sullivan. \"Besides,\" says I, \"you have no money.\" \"I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle,\" says O'Sullivan. \"I'll not do it,\" says I; \"besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them.\" \"But I will tell yeh,\" says O'Sullivan; \"I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side.\" And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, \"Mr. Fay,\" says he, \"will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?\" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.”","author":"Jack London,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","sailor","sea","ship","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Smartass Disciple: Why men don't ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It'd be too risky for them.”","author":"Toba Beta,","tags":["confederation","funny","intergalactic","join","life","risk"]}
{"quote":"“What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?\" \"I don't know, but can you introduce me?”","author":"Gregory Maguire,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["electrons","funny","science","scientists"]}
{"quote":"“Claire elbowed him. \"You must be feeling better.\"\"Seems like it, doesn't it?\"That, she thought with a sudden rush of disquiet, was not an answer. It was an evasion. \"Are you feeling better?\"\"If by better you mean much more aware than I ought to be of the fact that there are freaking vampires all over the place, then yes, much better. But I'm dealing with it.\"\"If you can't, will you let me know?\"\"Sure thing. I'll let out a howl.\"\"Not funny.\"\"Well, in my defense, it wasn't really meant to be. I mean, I might literally howl.”","author":"Rachel Caine,","tags":["funny","howl","werewolf"]}
{"quote":"“Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, \"Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Do you know where your breakthrough begins? Your breakthrough begins where your excuses ends.”","author":"Patience Johnson,","tags":["art","beauty","books","change","christianity","death","dreams","education","faith","fear","freedom","friendship","funny","god","happiness","heart","history","hope","humor","humour","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","intelligence","knowledge-religion","leadership","life","life-lessons","love","marriage","motivation","motivational","music","nature","pain","peace","people","philosophy","poetry","politics","quotes","reading","relationships","romance","science","self-help","soul","spiritual","spirituality","success","time","truth","war","wisdom","women","writing"]}
{"quote":"“How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.”","author":"Rachel Aaron,","tags":["badass","badass-boast","cocky","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. \"I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["alaska","funny","looking-for-alaska","miles","pudge","takumi"]}
{"quote":"“And you’re overthinking things, Charming.  Do the math.  Naked, interested man, check.  Wet, willing woman, double check.  Now insert part A into slot B and we can move on to the engineering portion of our quiz today.”","author":"Jane Cousins,","tags":["funny","magic","pnr","romantic-comedy"]}
{"quote":"“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”","author":"Neil deGrasse Tyson","tags":["dark-humor","dark-humour","funny","humor","humour","science"]}
{"quote":"“It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.”","author":"Haim Shapira,","tags":["funny","happiness","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...”","author":"Whitney Gracia Williams,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.”","author":"George R.R. Martin,","tags":["funny","hilarious","humour","humourous","truth"]}
{"quote":"“Don't you think you're quite young?''I'm twenty-one,' said Brida. 'If I wanted to start learning ballet, I'd be conseidered too old.”","author":"Paulo Coelho","tags":["brida","funny","young"]}
{"quote":"“Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["equality","funny","funny-but-true","happiness","humor","laughter","love","respect","sense-of-humor"]}
{"quote":"“I want gifts and Christmas music. I don’t care how many Draziri are out there. They won’t take Christmas from me.”“Yes, but we don’t have a suitable male,” Orro said. “And only one dog.”I looked at him.“What is this Christmas?” Wing asked.Orro turned from the stove. “It’s the rite of passage during which the young males of the human species learn to display aggression and use weapons.”Sean stopped what he was doing and looked at Orro.“The young men go out in small packs,” Orro continued. “They brave the cold and come into conflict with other packs and they have to prove their dominance through physical combat. Their fathers teach them lessons in the proper use of swear words, and the young men have to undergo tests of endurance, like holding soap in their mouths and licking cold metal objects.”Sean made a strangled noise.“At the end of their trials, they go to see a wise elder in a red suit to prove their worth. If they are judged worthy, the family erects a ceremonial tree and presents them with gifts of weapons.”Sean was clearly struggling, because his head was shaking.“Also,” Orro added, “a sacrificial poultry is prepared and then given to the wild animals, probably to appease the nature spirits.”Sean roared with laughter.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["funny","orro","random"]}
{"quote":"“Owl love you forever”","author":"David Sedaris,","tags":["card","funny","humer"]}
{"quote":"“The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally.'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.''Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation.”","author":"Phyllis Reynolds Naylor,","tags":["alice","brother","conversation","dinner","family","father","fridge","funny","lesbian","love","problems","random","sexuality","unrequited-love"]}
{"quote":"“I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said.”","author":"Dan Simmons,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","appreciate","appreciation","funny","hilarious","humor","humorous","humour","joke","jokes","king","kings","prince","princes","princess","princesses","queen","queens","quotations","quotes","satire","unappreciated"]}
{"quote":"“In reality most human beings are not, to most human beings, more important than money.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana,","tags":["adage","adages","africa","african","aphorism","aphorisms","axiom","axioms","consequential","deep","dictum","dictums","epigram","epigrams","funny","gnome","gnomes","human","human-being","human-beings","humans","humor","humorous","humour","importance","important","inconsequential","insightful","insignificant","made-me-think","make-you-think","materialism","materialistic","maxim","maxims","money","philosopher","profound","proverb","proverbs","provoke-thought","quotation","quotations","quote","quote-of-the-day","quotes","satire","satirical","satirist","satirists","saying","sayings","significant","south-africa","south-african","thought-provoking","thoughtful","unimportance","unimportant"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. “Of course it’s a dream,” I thought. “The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“You need anything we're only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We'll help you hide the body.”","author":"Sean Michael,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“What was that?\" Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["dick","funny","jane-jameson","molly-harper","nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs","purple-nurple","richard"]}
{"quote":"“Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.”","author":"Lauren Barnholdt,","tags":["funny","love","relationships"]}
{"quote":"“The fate of the world depends upon whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives ...\" ~ Skulduggery Pleasant”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","humor","skulduggery-pleasant","valkyrie-cain"]}
{"quote":"“He picked up the sketchbook, turning it so she could see his work - a gorgeous rendition of a stone bridge they'd passed, surrounded by the drooping boughs of oak trees.\"You could sketch me,\" said Emma. She flung herself down onto her seat, leaning her head on her hand. \"Draw me like one of your french girls.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","emma-carstairs","funny","julian-blackthorn"]}
{"quote":"“However, I have to warn you, I kind of like that you find me irresistible.”“Did I say that?” he asked, a slight tint creeping up his stubbled cheeks. “I didn’t say that! I find you completely resistible.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["contemporary-romance","cute","funny","romance","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.\"\"He's always taking something - generally food.”","author":"P.G. Wodehouse,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn’t have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control.Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.”","author":"Jim Butcher,","tags":["dresden-files","funny"]}
{"quote":"“The sad rocking chair in the corner was actually a joke of a chair: if one started laughing at it, one could die laughing. It was too low for a grown man, and besides, it was so tight, one needed a shoehorn to get back out of it. In short, this room was simply not furnished in a way appropriate to intellectual effort, and I did not intend to keep it any longer.”","author":"Knut Hamsun,","tags":["funny","furniture"]}
{"quote":"“I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.Lucy”","author":"Cathy Hopkins,","tags":["brain-is-gone","funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her face.“What’s it like?”“Hard,” she replied.”","author":"Zack Love,","tags":["awkward","comedy","funny","heeb","humour","men","new-york","picking-up-the-ladies"]}
{"quote":"“When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts.\"His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. \"Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.”","author":"Kiera Cass,","tags":["eadlyn","eadlyn-schreave","funny","humor","selection","the-heir"]}
{"quote":"“Okay... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me.\" Kylie stopped and swerved around... \"Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek.\" \"Damn!\" Perry said, and grinned. \"This is gonna be better than I thought.”","author":"C.C. Hunter,","tags":["ellie","funny","kylie","perry"]}
{"quote":"“If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. \"We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["birthday","christmas","combo-gift","combo-song","funny","gemini"]}
{"quote":"“Real men don't lift weights, they lift women.”","author":"Every male ballet dancer","tags":["ballet","dance","funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. \"How much of that did you hear?\"\"Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight,\" said Jordan. \"I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited.\"\"I guess you're coming as my date now.\" Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. \"I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that,\" said Jordan. \"We'd better get you something nice to wear, though,\" he called as Simon headed back into his room. \"I want you to look pretty.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["cassandra-clare","city-of-fallen-angels","date","funny","humor","ironworks","jordan-kyle","masculinity","simon-lewis","the-mortal-instruments"]}
{"quote":"“Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny","hannah-harrington","harper-scott","humour","jake-tolan","sarcasm","saving-june","stalking"]}
{"quote":"“It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.”","author":"Ellen DeGeneres,","tags":["cucumbers","funny","pickles","random"]}
{"quote":"“The music department is going to do a musical next year,\" he tells me, rolling his eyes like I would.Justine is running toward me, and I can tell by the look on her face that she's found out about the musical, too.I sigh, shaking my head. \"I have to give Justine a lesson in holding back,\" I tell him. \"She's just way too enthusiastic\".She grabs my arms in excitement. \"We're doing Les Mis.\"I scream hysterically, clutching her as we jump up and down.”","author":"Melina Marchetta,","tags":["funny","les-miserables","musical"]}
{"quote":"“You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever,\" George said. \"No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.\"\"How do you make girls cry, exactly?\"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, \"My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","george","ilona-andrews","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could.\"Why are you flinching?\" the pencil woman asked.\"I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me.\"\"Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you.”","author":"Trenton Lee Stewart,","tags":["blindfold","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I am who I say I am,I'm not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am a girl who knows enoughto know this life is mine.I am this and I am that andI am everything in-between.I'm a dreamer, I'm a dancer,I'm a part-time drama queen.I'm a worrier, I'm a warrior,I'm a loner and a friend,I'm an outspoken defenderof justice to the end.I'm the girl in the mirror who likes the girl she sees,I'm the girl in the gypsy shawlwith music in her knees.I'm a singer and a scholar,I'm a girl who has been kissed.I'm a solver of equationswearing bangles on my wrist.I am bigger than i ever knew,I am stronger than before,I am every girl I have ever been,and all that are in store.I am who I say I am.I'm not some fantasy.I am the me I am inside.I am whoI choseto be.”","author":"James Howe","tags":["addie-on-the-inside","funny","inspiring","poem"]}
{"quote":"“...Neferet fell smack on her butt.”","author":"P.C. Cast,","tags":["funny","hon3","house-of-night","neferet","vampyre"]}
{"quote":"“I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.\"\"Sausages.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["food","funny","i-spy"]}
{"quote":"“Did I hurt you in the parking lot?\"\"No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.\"Great.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","george","ilona-andrews","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“And you are the girl's bitch, forever.”","author":"Alison Goodman,","tags":["bitch","eona","forever","funny","ido","yuso"]}
{"quote":"“People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle”","author":"Debbie Macomber,","tags":["funny","mrs-miracle","people"]}
{"quote":"“Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.”","author":"Agatha Christie,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad.\"-Nastasya”","author":"Cate Tiernan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. \"This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing.\"He reached around her and fingered the soft material. \"Where is the rest of it?\" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing.”","author":"Christine Feehan,","tags":["carpathians","christine-feehan","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Funyuns make you fart,\" Caspian said, and I exploded in laughter.\"What's so funny?\" Ben asked.I tried to stop laughing, but Caspian was leaning forward now, his face stck right in between us. \"Funyuns give you bad breath, too. Not very attractive to the ladies.\" He paused. \"ON second thought... enjoy your Funyuns, Ben!\" I had to bite the side of my cheek to keep from giggling. The fact that Ben had no clue what was going on made it even harder to stop.”","author":"Jessica Verday,","tags":["abbey","ben","caspian","funny","funyuns"]}
{"quote":"“He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.”","author":"Kate Avery Ellison,","tags":["eat","funny","kate-avery-ellison","the-curse-girl","will","will-to-beauty"]}
{"quote":"“She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. \"I thought you had to go,\" he said. \"And don't think i didn't see you kissing on my best friend.\"\"He deserved it.\"\"Yeah. Maybe i ought to kiss him, too.\"Michael, on his way out, didn't bother to turn around for that one. \"Oh sure, you always promise.”","author":"Rachel Caine  Black Dawn","tags":["funny","morganville"]}
{"quote":"“On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down...Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board.”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["funny","little-girl","swear-words"]}
{"quote":"“...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.”","author":"Anne Rice,","tags":["funny","werewolf-tales","wolf-man"]}
{"quote":"“Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a can of Mace in one hand and pepper spray in the other.” - KatieJorlan's expression turned mocking. “Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["bed","funny","prince","seduce"]}
{"quote":"“Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.”","author":"Brian Martinez,","tags":["dandelion","funny","odd","quirky","weeds"]}
{"quote":"“Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off\"- Cruz”","author":"Derrolyn Anderson,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, Micheal darling!\"\"Don't call me darling, I'm a driving instructor!”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.”","author":"James Patterson,","tags":["church","fart","funny","lol","powers"]}
{"quote":"“They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows.\"Indigo!\" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above.\"It's all right, Caddy!\" Indigo called cheerfully. \"We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.\"\"We keep finding more stuff to land on!\" added Rose. \"Look!”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["funny","jumping","kids","silly"]}
{"quote":"“She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.”","author":"Andrew Hinkinson-Hodnett,","tags":["funny","insult","looks"]}
{"quote":"“Her hands shot up. “See that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’re seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you’re fixing me. I’m not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that.”\t“You drool.” \t“What?” That caught her off guard.\t“When you’re asleep you drool. I’ve woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest.” After a thought he added. “And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you.”\t“I do not!” Her face colored with indignation.\tHe sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. “Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night’s sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they’d say that.”","author":"R.L. Mathewson,","tags":["dark-lonely","funny","humor","romance","tall"]}
{"quote":"“If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.”","author":"Richard Kadrey,","tags":["funny","power"]}
{"quote":"“The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.”","author":"Dave Courtney,","tags":["funny","humour","smiling"]}
{"quote":"“Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.”","author":"Robert Fulghum,","tags":["funny","giraffe"]}
{"quote":"“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...”","author":"Woody Allen","tags":["anything-else","film","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train.”","author":"Ben MacIntyre,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous-quotations","ironic","irony"]}
{"quote":"“If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.”","author":"Richard Kadrey,","tags":["drunkenness","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Remove yourself, sir!”","author":"David McCullough,","tags":["american-revolution","david-mccullough","funny","history","john-adams"]}
{"quote":"“Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.”","author":"Derek The Ghost,","tags":["comedy","funny","horror","humor","scary","school"]}
{"quote":"“I strike fear into you because I am a man?\"\"It isn't funny.\"\"I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.”","author":"Catherine Anderson,","tags":["funny","hunter-loretta"]}
{"quote":"“Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.”","author":"Zathyn Priest ,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover.”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["coffee","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen.”","author":"Brian Jacques,","tags":["confusion","funny","thicktail-the-stoat"]}
{"quote":"“Good dog! Nice fetch!\"\"He wasn't fetching.\"\"Bring her here, boy. Good job!\"The dog looked from Zack to me.\"I've been training him,\" Zack said. \"Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it.”","author":"Elizabeth Chandler,","tags":["dark-secrets","dog","elizabeth-chandler","flirty","funny","the-back-door-of-midnight","zack"]}
{"quote":"“Well,\" Mr. Cheeseman interjected. \"Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego.\"\"What's an alter ego?\" asked Gerard.\"It's a superhero's true but secret identity,\" said Chip. \"You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent.\" \"Superman is really Clark Kent?\"\"It's pretty obvious,\" said Penny. \"To everyone but you and Lois Lane.\"\"Okay,\" Gerard conceded. \"Captain Fabulous's alter ego will be...Teddy Roosevelt.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["alter-ego","clark-kent","funny","lois-lane","names","superhero","superman","teddy-roosevelt"]}
{"quote":"“Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls,\" Dad says.\"They were the bomb,\" I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows.\"'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'?\"Duh,\" I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh.\"Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles,\" he says, turning onto our street.”","author":"Maya Gold,","tags":["funny","language","oldies","sick","subtitles","youngsters"]}
{"quote":"“I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything.”","author":"E.J. Stevens,","tags":["calvin","emma","funny","legend-of-witchtrot-road","paranormal-romance","quirky","spirit-guide-series","teen","ya","young-adult","yuki"]}
{"quote":"“A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.”","author":"Hanna Lui,","tags":["erotic-fiction","erotic-literature","erotic-romance","erotica","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.”","author":"Elizabeth C. Bunce,","tags":["funny","injury","signs","weekend"]}
{"quote":"“I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.”","author":"Hannah Vandegrift","tags":["funny","humor","people","world"]}
{"quote":"“The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote \"Please stop can't breathe\" in the dirt with her finger.”","author":"Jim Benton,","tags":["breathe","funny","laugh","miss","target","throw"]}
{"quote":"“Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar","tags":["choice","funny","goose-egg","heartache","life-lessons"]}
{"quote":"“You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["dark-fantasy","fantasy","funny","krista-alasti","shifters","taming-shadows","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“maybe somebody finally shot the dog.”","author":"Dave Barry,","tags":["dog","funny","humor","leonard"]}
{"quote":"“Are you sure you can't dematerialize? Not even a little?\" \"I'm sure.”","author":"Lauren Oliver,","tags":["funny","human-problems"]}
{"quote":"“I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["dark-fantasy","fantasy","funny","krista-alasti","shifters","taming-shadows","urban-fantasy"]}
{"quote":"“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.”","author":"Steven Wright","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t do it gurl,” he said with a wink. “You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--”","author":"David Nicholls,","tags":["funny","hilarious","saracasm"]}
{"quote":"“Whew,” he said. “You clean up good. You don’t look like the same girl.”She frowned right before she laughed. “Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.”","author":"Rita Mae Brown,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on fire. Hmm. Come to think of it, in no way whatsoever did the sun, in this instance, resemble a leaky boat. My apologies. That was a dreadful attempt at simile. Please allow me to try again. As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a self-luminous, gaseous sphere comprised mainly of of hydrogen and helium.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["boat","dusk","funny","simile","sink","sun","sunset"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, Geekoid!\" yelled Duncan Dougal, \"Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?”","author":"Bruce Coville,","tags":["dumb-people","education","funny","humor","humour","learning","people-who-don-t-read","readers","reading","smart-people","stupid-people","television","tv"]}
{"quote":"“PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!”","author":"Stephen King,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. \"I really can't believe it,\" Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. \"It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left.\"In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna.”","author":"Joseph Heller,","tags":["awesome","bologna","catch-22","funny","hope","humor","inspiration","meditation","prayer","rational","superstition","war","yossarian"]}
{"quote":"“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”","author":"Bob Hope","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle's house, had our meals sent up, and didn't emerge for several days. This is absolutely untrue. I would never behave like that as a guest in someone's home. Carlos and I went to my beach house. ”","author":"Martha Graham,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q. The appellation he was given by his progenitors was Ray O'Vaque (\"Like the battery,\" he'd elucidate, with an adamantine stare that proscribed any mirth). In his years of incarceration, however, he had earned the sobriquet \"Uncle Milty\" for his piscine amatory habits.He had been emancipated from the penitentiary for three weeks, and now his restless peregrinations had conveyed him to this liminal place, seeking compurgation in the permafrost of the hyperborean tundra, which was an apt analogue of the permafrost in his heart. He insinuated himself into the caravansary with nugatory expectations, which were confirmed by the exiguous provisions for comfort. But then the bartender looked up from laving the begrimed bar, his eyes growing luminous as he ejactulated, \"Milt!”","author":"Howard Mittelmark,","tags":["funny","show-off"]}
{"quote":"“We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for.... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.”","author":"Cynthia Heimel","tags":["fun","funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.”","author":"Mark Twain,","tags":["children","dark-humor","funny","humorous","killing"]}
{"quote":"“Hey!\" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. \"Keep your snot to yourself.\"Dev scoffed at that. \"Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?\" He tsked. \"What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","women"]}
{"quote":"“Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife”","author":"Ruth Downie,","tags":["funny","ruth-downie","terra-incognita","valens"]}
{"quote":"“I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar","tags":["drink","english","funny","man","vulnerable"]}
{"quote":"“He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Robert said, \"This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade.\"Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+”","author":"Andrew Clements,","tags":["funny","grades","school"]}
{"quote":"“Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.”","author":"Satchel Paige","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny","to-remember"]}
{"quote":"“Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!”","author":"Daniel Nayeri,","tags":["another-faust","funny","lucy-s-mom"]}
{"quote":"“...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.”","author":"Jimmy Gownley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.”","author":"Brett Tate","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humour","memoir","sex"]}
{"quote":"“I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy,\" my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word \"short.\"Yeah,\" I tell her in return, \"but he compensates by being Tom Cruise.\"Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever.”","author":"A.E. Cannon,","tags":["funny","tom-cruise"]}
{"quote":"“Brooke?\" he finally found the sense to ask. \"What are you doing here?\"\"I need a gun.\"This was not how his dream was supposed to go.”","author":"Shannon K. Butcher,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“I can never be perfectly certain whether Helen was got with child by Leonard Bast or by his fatal forgotten umbrella. All things considered, I think it must have been the umbrella.”","author":"Katherine Mansfield","tags":["critiscism","funny","howards-end"]}
{"quote":"“Miłość jest jak wędlina: jest salami i jest mortadela.”","author":"Carlos Ruiz Zafón,","tags":["funny","life","love"]}
{"quote":"“We have truth in order not to die of art.”","author":"Steve Aylett","tags":["funny","humor","weird"]}
{"quote":"“Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny","random"]}
{"quote":"“I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah”","author":"Kate Carlisle,","tags":["brooklyn","funny","kate-carlisle"]}
{"quote":"“Elisandra read while I tried my hand at embroidering a pillowcase that she lent me. The results were execrable. I had no skill with a needle, and no desire to learn, either.\"I wouldn't shame a dog by laying this upon his bed,\" I remarked, showing Elisandra my efforts. She actually smiled.\"I like it,\" she said. \"I'll put it on one of my pillows.\"\"Bryan won't let you sleep in the same bed with him if you bring this as your dowry,\" I said with an attempt at humor.She bent her head back over her book. \"Then stitch me another.”","author":"Sharon Shinn,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“This one's for Alaska Young!”","author":"John Green,","tags":["alaska-young","funny","looking-for-alaska"]}
{"quote":"“There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters”","author":"Philip K. Dick,","tags":["funny","husband","sarcasm","superior"]}
{"quote":"“When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.”","author":"Albert Einstein","tags":["einstein","funny","humor","socks","toe"]}
{"quote":"“AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.”","author":"John Green,","tags":["alaska","colonel","funny","john-green","looking-for-alaska","miles","pudge"]}
{"quote":"“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”","author":"Nenia Campbell,","tags":["food","food-love","foodie","funny","funny-and-random","humor","humorous","lol","orgasm","orgasms","random","sex","sex-quotes","sexy-humor"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin”","author":"Bauvard,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["fashion","funny","historical-romance","victorian-romance"]}
{"quote":"“We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.”","author":"Chetan Bhagat,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”","author":"Jeff Valdez","tags":["animals","cat-lover","cats","cats-vs-dogs","crazy","funny","inspirational","mad"]}
{"quote":"“SUBJECT: Real originalDear Dark Assholes,I get the point. Showing me that you know how to log onto a computer and utilize Google must’ve taken some pretty keen strategizing on your part.Really, really cool trick. Now leave me the hell alone.-The DL”","author":"S.L. Jennings,","tags":["funny","strong-women"]}
{"quote":"“Would you like to sit?\" Kellen asked her.\"You'd better do it soon,\" Owen whispered close to her ear, \"or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.”","author":"Olivia Cunning,","tags":["band","cunning","desire","funny","kellen","naughty","naughty-funny","naughty-humor","naughty-thoughts","owen","penetration","regret","rule","rules","sex","sole","touch","whisper"]}
{"quote":"“There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.”","author":"Shannon Alder","tags":["bravery","break-dancing","christmas-party","courage","dancing","embarrasement","funny","hospital","humor","no-fear","nurse","ridiculous","social-situations","stupid"]}
{"quote":"“Back in medieval times, \" I said, \"we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid.\"Meg flinched. \"Isn't that dangerous?\"\"Very.\"\"And you *healed* with it?\"\"It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny","medicine"]}
{"quote":"“Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest.”","author":"Shannon Alder","tags":["artists","be-confident","confidence","crazy","follow-the-spirit","funny","inspiration","life-missions","life-purpose","low-self-esteem","mind-power","muscians","muse","music","silly","talents","voices"]}
{"quote":"“Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.”","author":"Eoin Colfer,","tags":["criminal","funny","mastermind"]}
{"quote":"“Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["california","chiron","fantasy","funny","humor","la","lightning-thief","los-angeles","mythology","myths","percy","rick"]}
{"quote":"“And I wanted to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face.\" Galen\"As I recall, you did. And then you kicked me in the ass and sent me sprawling, pampered face first, into a pile of horseshit.\" Styxx\"And you said not a word about it to anyone. You got up, took your training sword, and faced me as if you landed in a bed of poppies. All the while, shit dripping down you.\"Galen”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny","galen","styxx","witty-banter"]}
{"quote":"“If he just wanted sex from her, everyone knew the fastest approach to that end was just to enquire bluntly if she was interested. She was either willing to kill some time, or she was too busy killing. ”","author":"Jane Cousins,","tags":["funny","pnr","romance"]}
{"quote":"“This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["cracker-barrel","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Most girls take one look at you and swoon. You've never had to really work for someone's affection or put effort into maintaining it. In many ways, your natural gifts have done you a disservice-- they've stunted your sensitivity and charm! You've never had to develop insight into what will make a girl laugh and come to love you for reasons that aren't handsome or heroic. That's why smees are experts on the subtle arts of courtship and seduction; nothing comes easy to us, but we do understand and live by the Lover's Maxim.\"\"And what on earth is the Lover's Maxim?\" asked Maz, feeling very uninformed.The smee cleared his throat. \"If you can't be handsome, be rich. If you can't be rich, be strong. If you cant be strong, be witty.\"\"But what if you can't be witty?\" Max wondered.\"Learn the guitar.”","author":"Henry H. Neff,","tags":["funny","maelstrommoments","max","smee"]}
{"quote":"“Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.”","author":"Zack Love,","tags":["comedy","dating","funny","heeb","melody","quirky","romance"]}
{"quote":"“If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!”","author":"Leah Broadby,","tags":["cat","cats","children","children-s-books","fantasy","funny","humorous-quotes","humour"]}
{"quote":"“But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? - Sir Nicholas de Mimsy”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","harry-potter","nearly-headless-nick"]}
{"quote":"“I'm sorry. So sorry. Don't mean to interrupt. It's just...are you for fucking serious?”","author":"Emma   Mills,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.”","author":"Karl Kristian Flores,","tags":["complaining","funny","humor","humorous-quotes","humour","love","stupidity","unrequited-love"]}
{"quote":"“Seriously, so many times I've heard women talk about fast men unsatisfying them in the bedroom because they ejaculate too quickly, yet it seems now, if you don't ejaculate quick enough, then they will feel insecure about it instead. I don't get it - Too quick, you're rubbish, yet too long, then you're making them feel bad.”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["brutal-truth","funny","hollywood-girlfriend","sex","sexy-humor"]}
{"quote":"“Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["funny","hilarious","humour","silly"]}
{"quote":"“It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.”","author":"Gauri Jhangiani,","tags":["funny","humourous","problems","problems-in-life","relatable","relatable-quotes","understandable"]}
{"quote":"“El Paso,” Andrej echoed slowly. “You do know there’s nothing in El Paso but dust, heat, and illegal aliens, right?”","author":"J. Fally,","tags":["aliens","funny"]}
{"quote":"“At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I can say that crying, for a variety of reasons, has made me a better person, a happier and more fully realized person, in ways that nothing else has.”","author":"Keah Brown,","tags":["crying","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Thank you for helping my sister,” he says.I lean forward, mimicking his position. “I’m happy to.”Calliope leans out her window. “STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.”","author":"Stephanie Perkins,","tags":["calliope","cricket","flirt","funny","lola","lola-and-the-boy-next-door","stephanie-perkins","window"]}
{"quote":"“The Prince of Hell shrugged. 'Shit Happens”","author":"Jana Oliver,","tags":["demons","funny","the-demon-trappers"]}
{"quote":"“Arjuro made a scoffing sound. ‘You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?’Froi looked away. ‘Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.’‘Isaboe? We’re on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?’ Gargarin asked.Froi found himself bristling. ‘What? Do you think I’m some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words “I wantto kill a Charynite King” tattooed on my arse?”","author":"Melina Marchetta,","tags":["arse","froi","funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["authority","challenging","challenging-authority","comedian","comedic","comedy","deeper-thought","funny","funny-but-true","humor","leadership","philosopher","philosophy","reconsideration","rethinking","reversal","reverse","sense-of-humor","taught","teaching","thinking","thought"]}
{"quote":"“Civilization begins with distillation”","author":"William Faulkner","tags":["alcohol","clever","faulkner","funny"]}
{"quote":"“-What's so funny?\"\"-Sorry,\" David said, reddening again. \"You just taste so sweet.\"\"-What do you mean, sweet?\"He licked his bottom lip one more time.\"-You taste like honey.\"\"-Honey?\"\"-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day...well, you know, that one day. But it was the same today. Your mouth is really sweet.\"He paused for a second, then grinned.\"-Hot like honey-like nectar. That makes more sense.\"\"-Great. Now I'm going to have to explain that to everyone I kiss for the rest of my life unless it's you or another faerie.\" She'd almost said Tamani's name. Her fingers flew to the ring around her neck.David shrugged.\"-Then don't kiss anyone except me.\"\"-David...\"\"-I'm just offering up the obvious solution,\" he said, hands up in protest.”","author":"Aprilynne Pike,","tags":["david","funny","kiss","laurel","wings"]}
{"quote":"“She smiled smugly. “We came to an agreement, the duck and I.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["balance","composure","contentment","education","education-system","freedom","freedom-of-thought","funny","funny-but-true","humor","life","mind","peace","peace-of-mind","philosophy","poise","rationality","regrets","social","social-norms","sociality","thinking","thought","unstoppable","unstoppable-force"]}
{"quote":"“What happened?\" he asked brusquely, interrupting me. \"What do you mean, what happened?\"\"I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name.\"\"I...no, I didn't.\" Stone Wall, I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts.\"The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened.”","author":"Kristi Cook,","tags":["aidan","funny","haven","humour","violet","winterhaven"]}
{"quote":"“I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["affection","attraction","fantasy","funny","funny-but-true","gallant","genius","humor","imagine","men","otherworld","swordsman","wise","wizard","women"]}
{"quote":"“Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles”","author":"Sarah Phillips","tags":["beauty","funny","jewelry"]}
{"quote":"“What about you? What do you do?” I needed to ask questions, draw him out. I needed to find out all the information I could. My voice sounded strong and smooth, but my hands were shaking. I put them in my lap so he couldn’t see.“I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children,” he said with a nasty smile. “And sometimes when I’m feeling really evil, I read books or paint.”","author":"Kate Avery Ellison,","tags":["beauty","curious","funny","kate-avery-ellison","sarcasm","the-curse-girl","will"]}
{"quote":"“Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.”","author":"Jim Davis","tags":["funny","garfield"]}
{"quote":"“Great,\" Shane said. \"Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners.\"\"And to cleaning,\" Michael said.\"Look who's talking, Didn't the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in your room?”","author":"Rachel Caine  Black Dawn","tags":["black-dawn","funny","morganville-vampires"]}
{"quote":"“What the dev— er, deuce did you do that for? It hurt!”“Good,” said the angel. “I was afraid these new shoes would not be sturdy enough.”","author":"Anne Gracie,","tags":["funny","historical-romance","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","horace-the-blue-cheese"]}
{"quote":"“We're in a psuedoscientific technobabble.”","author":"Jasper Fforde,","tags":["funny","made-up"]}
{"quote":"“I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries.\" \"Oh, come on. You know you want to.\"D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. \"I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up.\"Jack laughed. \"Not yet you aren't.\" He looked at D's face, smiling with him.”","author":"Jane Seville,","tags":["food-fetish","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.”","author":"Sandra Chami Kassis","tags":["funny","life","philosophy","quotes","truth","wisdom-inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.”","author":"Melinda Chapman","tags":["funny","humor","language","politics"]}
{"quote":"“With the Book hitching rides, hiding on people, guess we’re all going to be dressing like skanks for a while, huh? Skintight or skin. Dude, everybody’s everything’s gonna be hanging out, and some o’ those fat chicks at the abbey are gonna gross my eyeballs right outta my head. Muffin tops and camel toes, gah!”","author":"Karen Marie Moning,","tags":["dani-o-malley","funny"]}
{"quote":"“It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.”","author":"Isabel  Lopez,","tags":["advice","advice-for-women","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to him.\"It felt like something sat heavy on my chest. \"Oh.Oh.No.\"Seth frowned at me. \"You don't have to sound so disgusted.”","author":"Jennifer Armintrout","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Your big scary husband is crying.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["cute","funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. \"What if he's crazy?\"\"Yeah, that's a definite possibility,\" he agreed.\"What if he's not your type?\"\"Then we'll only hook up in dark places.”","author":"Con Riley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.”","author":"Anna White,","tags":["anna-white","funny","humour","jack","jack-to-samara","samara","the-light-and-fallen","trunk"]}
{"quote":"“You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!”","author":"Nicole McKay,","tags":["banks","brick-and-blanket-iq-test","brick-and-blanket-responses","brick-and-blanket-test","brick-and-blanket-uses","funny","humor","money","random"]}
{"quote":"“WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.”","author":"Harriet Evans,","tags":["drunk-dialing","drunken-behaviour","funny","texting"]}
{"quote":"“We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.”","author":"M. Beth Bloom,","tags":["friends","funny","humor","silly"]}
{"quote":"“He looks again towards the door, expecting Mum to walk in and remind him of something he's forgotten. He smiles awkwardly. 'Is that it, Dad? I've got to go.' 'Your Mum said I should mention ... um ... satisfaction.' 'What!' 'She said young men should know things, should be told things so that the girl won't be ...' his eyes plead for understanding, '... disappointed.'[...] 'No worries, Dad. My biology teacher said I was a natural.' Dad looks confused.'I'm kidding, Dad.' [...] Poor bloke, having to do the dirty work while Mum's off with her gang. 'Dad? What did Grandpa tell you about sex?' 'He said if I got a girl pregnant, he'd kill me.”","author":"Steven Herrick,","tags":["dads","female-satisfaction","funny","sex-talk"]}
{"quote":"“Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humour","intelligence","stupidity"]}
{"quote":"“I never said nothing...\"\"I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Make sure the seaweed lies flat.''Okay.''Leave an inch below the knee.''Okay.''It's got to be loose enough to put a finger in the top.''Sean Kendrick.' I say it emphatically enough that the stallion's ears prick toward me. (...)Sean doesn't appear to be at all apologetic. 'I think you'd better let me do that after all.''You're the one who had me in here in the first place.' I say. 'Now I think it's you who doesn't trust me.''It's not just you,' He replies.I glower at him. 'Well, I'll tell you what. I'll hold him and you wrap. That way, when it's done wrong, there's only yourself to slap. And take your jacket. I'm tired of holding it.”","author":"Maggie Stiefvater,","tags":["corr","funny","puck","sean","wrap"]}
{"quote":"“Gay Sex Three, Straight Sex Nil”","author":"Dani Alexander,","tags":["funny","m-m","mystery","ofy","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.”","author":"Richelle Mead,","tags":["funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic - you name it) that we do.”","author":"Kiersten White,","tags":["funny","laws"]}
{"quote":"“One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”","author":"Chelsea Handler,","tags":["funny","so-true"]}
{"quote":"“You make me sound like an arrogant ass,\" he said.\"Are you?\"\"No! I'm just me.”","author":"P.C. Cast,","tags":["anastasia","dragon","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.”","author":"Jennifer Ziegler,","tags":["funny","popularity","unpopularity"]}
{"quote":"“Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.”","author":"Sherrilyn Kenyon,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny","rachel-vincent","stray"]}
{"quote":"“I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.”","author":"Kjersti A. Skomsvold,","tags":["absurd","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”","author":"Janet Evanovich,","tags":["funny","mystery","stephanie-plum"]}
{"quote":"“She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that?”","author":"Laura Ruby","tags":["cute","funny","love","thoughtful","true"]}
{"quote":"“You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy.”","author":"Cecily von Ziegesar,","tags":["babe","crazy","funny","girl","gossip","love","romance","senior","you"]}
{"quote":"“Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.”","author":"Jennifer Ziegler,","tags":["feminine-hygiene-products","food","funny","gross"]}
{"quote":"“This is where you all live?\" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. \"It's small.\"\"This is just our Thanksgiving house,\" Scott muttered. \"We have a house for every day of the year.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. \"I can't believe you just did that!\" \"Yeah,\" I snarled up my lip, \"didn't quite think that one through all the way.”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer.”","author":"Maureen F. McHugh","tags":["after-the-apocalypse","afterlife","atheist","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Vampires have credit cards?\"\"We're undead, not Amish.”","author":"Jennifer Colgan,","tags":["funny","humor","vampires"]}
{"quote":"“Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested.\"Beautiful- what-is-it?\" she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach.\"They take your pictures,\" said Indigo,... when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. \"They do take them.... Why do you want that picture so much?\" he asked Rose.\"It was my best ever,\" said Rose furiously. \"I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I'm big enough.\"\"You can't just go round killing people,\" Indigo told her...”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["art","funny","kids","school"]}
{"quote":"“Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.”","author":"Dakota Dawn","tags":["family","funny","humor","truth","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A,\" said the Bursar.  The table fell silent. \"Did anyone understand that?\" said Ridcully. The Bursar was not technically insane. He had passed through the rapids of insanity som time previously, and was now sculling around in some peaceful pool on the other side. He was quite often coherent, although not by normal human standards.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["bursar","funny","insane","wizards"]}
{"quote":"“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.”","author":"Chelsea Handler","tags":["food","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We found it!\" Charlotte yelled, as they ran back through the house. \"We found it, we found it!\"Eddie, Mr. Mallery, and Colonel Andrews came from separate directions, converging in the front hall. Miss Charming was hopping up and down, her bosom nearly rising to slap her own forehead.”","author":"Shannon Hale,","tags":["bosom","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Jackie had now changed her tune, clinging to me as if she liked it. “I’m irresistible, brother, he’s swapping sides for me.”“I can’t fight it any longer,” I said, nonchalantly.Wade shook his head at us. “I’ll be sure to pass this news along to your husband, sis.”“He can have the kids,” Jackie said, causing everyone to chuckle.“We insist,” I tossed in.”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I’m not your boyfriend!” I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.“How can you say that?” Sara asked in horror.“It’s shockingly effortless,” I replied. “My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking.” I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.“When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don’t have to knock like some guest?” Sara asked, coming at me again.I backed away. “How about never? Is never good for you?”Sara, undeterred, said, “You’re the reason I go to therapy on Fridays.”“The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.”","author":"Laura Kreitzer,","tags":["fantasy","fiction","funny","gabriella-moretti","humor","joseph-carter","keepers","novella","timeless-series","ya"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear family. I want to put down roots, to let my seeds germinate, to watch them bloom and flourish. Not one day, if and when I ever fall in love again, but now. While I still have my youth, damn it.”","author":"Monica Pradhan,","tags":["funny","inspirational-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.”","author":"Ivan Stoikov - Allan Bard","tags":["allan-bard","fantasy","fantasy-fiction","fun","funny","funny-humor","sci-fy","science-fiction","science-fiction-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!”","author":"Golda Meir","tags":["bible","funny","moses"]}
{"quote":"“The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.”","author":"Gavin Pretor-Pinney,","tags":["clouds","funny","science"]}
{"quote":"“Adamant,\" Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. \"We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.\"\"Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer,\" Newel speculated. \"Too much money, not enough talent.”","author":"Brandon Mull,","tags":["funny","humor","money","talent"]}
{"quote":"“Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers.\" She slapped my back. \"Welcome to high school.”","author":"Harlan Coben,","tags":["funny","high-school","humor","mickey","shelter"]}
{"quote":"“You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["author","caves","computer","funny","old-fashioned","writer"]}
{"quote":"“The great William Shakespeare said, \"What's in a name?\" He also said, \"Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny","name","quill","william-shakespeare"]}
{"quote":"“A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.”","author":"E.W. Howe","tags":["funny","husband","man","marriage","men","wife"]}
{"quote":"“Coordinating the retreat was important too, so important that Jiaan had assigned Aram as Fasal's assistant, to be sure he didn't overlook anything important. Like the fact that they were supposed to retreat.”","author":"Hilari Bell,","tags":["assignment","funny","retreating"]}
{"quote":"“Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:Dylan: \"Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up.\"Joss: \"I'm not invisible.\"Dylan: \"I know this.”","author":"Susan Bischoff,","tags":["dylan","funny","joss"]}
{"quote":"“- Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?- I work occasionally. It's just that the BJs are much more exciting.”","author":"G.A. Hauser,","tags":["funny","sex"]}
{"quote":"“She didn‟t look like the athletic type to me.” “Maybe Nemov carried her. He looked like he could.” “He looked like he could carry his SUV. I don‟t know why he didn‟t.”","author":"Josh Lanyon,","tags":["funny","taylor","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Well, well, well,\" said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. \"Well, well, well, well,\" replied Pavel, not to be out welled.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You ought to sue that son of a whore”","author":"Stephen King,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“He says black, I say white and we do grey”","author":"Lazaro Hernandez","tags":["funny","humor","sexuality"]}
{"quote":"“It’s been so many years since I actually had a date that I’ve forgotten how to act. You don’t mention your ex when you’ve finished fucking your date; it’s poor protocol”","author":"Scarlet Blackwell,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.”","author":"Summersdale Publishers","tags":["feminist","funny","humour","woman","womanhood"]}
{"quote":"“This is the final book about Brian”","author":"Gary Paulsen,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.”","author":"Toni Andrews,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["elephant","funny","t-shirt","zoo"]}
{"quote":"“A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them”","author":"Christina Dodd,","tags":["christina-dodd","funny","princesses"]}
{"quote":"“Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself.”","author":"Victor Gischler,","tags":["apocalyptic","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["dark-fantasy","fantasy","funny","krista-alasti","shifters","taming-shadows","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“Just shut up and talk. - Shella”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["dark-fantasy","fantasy","funny","krista-alasti","shifters","taming-shadows","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not sure whether to be relieved she didn't hurt you or diappointed. Now he's going to think he got away with that junk.\" -AbbyI wouldn't say that. He got a stern talking-to, but he already made great progress with his groveling lessons.\" -Sam\"\"Ill show you exactly how much progress I've made the next time I get you in a shower.\" -Noah\"I'm gonna kill him! Did you hear that? You have to let me kill him.\" -Graham\"Stay right where you are. There will be no killing. I thought I made that clear to everyone last night. Don't make me go over it again!\" -Missy”","author":"Christine Warren,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Bella,leave the aggressive stuff to me.\" My heart quirks in my chest. I may not like this guy but that sounded so hot. \"Um...\" Focus,focus. \"What?”","author":"Jenny B. Jones","tags":["funny","hot","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.”","author":"Elizabeth Hand,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.''What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way?”","author":"R.J. Silver","tags":["funny","penis"]}
{"quote":"“No other foreskin could have caused such trouble.”","author":"Peter Manseau,","tags":["funny","odd","oddity","relic"]}
{"quote":"“Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.”","author":"Doug MacLeod,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know?The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching. And for what? So you can wake up next to THAT in thirty years? What are we thinking??”","author":"Yvonne Prinz,","tags":["funny","true","women"]}
{"quote":"“What are you doing here?”All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. “Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.”","author":"Robyn Carr,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy iMac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me -- I certainly would.”","author":"Julie Powell,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“My personal motto has always been if you've already dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of, you may as well keep digging.”","author":"Katie Henry,","tags":["climb-out","comedy","deep","funny","heretics-anonymous","hole","humor","motto"]}
{"quote":"“There are all different kinds of smut,” Pandora said, warming to the subject. “Smut balls, loose smut, stinking smut—”“Pandora,” West interrupted in an undertone, “for the love of mercy, stop saying that word in public.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["funny","historical-romance","victorian-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Broken Wind believed that we are traumatized as babies by intestinal gas or colic. The great shaman invented a technique called \"gastral projection\" to help release these traumas. His philosophy was simple: \"To air is human ... but to really cut one loose is divine.”","author":"Swami Beyondananda","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it”","author":"Dalia Sofer,","tags":["farnaz","funny","insult","septembers-of-shiraz"]}
{"quote":"“It's theology. Were you expecting sex, drugs, and rock and roll?\"\"One out of the three would be nice.”","author":"Katie Henry,","tags":["comedy","drugs","funny","heretics-anonymous","humor","joke","rock-and-roll","sex","theology"]}
{"quote":"“Lou, honey, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes if you'll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room from us. You are wearing panties, right?\"I glance up and across at Stefan. His words register a moment later and my head swivels toward the other side of the room. There are a number of people staring at me. One of them is Detective Terry Shay. Or I think it is. He's not looking directly at me. He's looking up my skirt”","author":"Ronda Thompson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.”","author":"Marilyn Vos Savant","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport.”","author":"Jeffrey Archer,","tags":["exaggeration","funny"]}
{"quote":"“That is a horrid temptation to put before a man who is forbidden to make vigorous movements,” he said. “Is it really?” she said. “No wonder Miles did not approve. He looked daggers at me.” “Maybe his face froze that way,” Rupert said. “He was looking daggers at me a few hours ago. Do you think he suspects?” “I think he knows ,” she said. “I’m glad I don’t have a sister,” he said. “I should have to get over my aversion to killing people.” -Rupert and Daphne”","author":"Loretta Chase,","tags":["funny","mr-impossible","rupert"]}
{"quote":"“It's funny how the ugly duckling always has so many beautiful things to teach us.”","author":"Curtis Tyrone Jones","tags":["beautiful","beauty","children-s-stories","funny","inspirational","life","life-lessons","paradoxes","self-love","teaching","ugliness","ugly","ugly-duckling","ugly-truths","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“Last time I saw her, she was peeking out from one of the bookcases next to the fireplace. She's the first cat I've ever seen trying to pretend she's a condensed version of War and Peace.”","author":"Ellen Hart,","tags":["cat","cats","cats-and-dogs","cats-vs-dogs","funny","hide","hiding","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, \"Bless you,\" and would I get him a bottle of Satan's Red-Hot Revenge for the eggs?Sure thing, Pastor.”","author":"Joan Bauer,","tags":["awesome","funny"]}
{"quote":"“After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil.”","author":"Weston Locher,","tags":["anecdote","comedy","essay","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Doris loves Superman as well.unfortunately, she got knocked down by a van last year, and it was a big, long recovery for her, really. It took about six months, didn't it, before she was fully back to normal. She never gone back to normal. She's got a bionic leg now, which made her twice as fast and twice as stupid. You know, but she's just such good fun. But anyway,like she had a bit of a low point, you know, when she got really fed up, you know, with those stupid lampshade collars, you know, that they have on their head. Ugh, bumping into everything, she was walking about sighing. Ugh, like that, you know, and if you've ever been known or been with the terriers, but that ball of energy,you know, and she wasn't allowed to be for a walk or anything. It was awful. So to cheer her up, I bought her a little Superman outfit for dogs. When you get home, you look online. They are absolutely brilliant. You can get Wonder Woman and Darth Vader, all sorts. They're the funniest thing I have ever seen in my. The front paws, the front legs go in Super man's legs, you know, and it like covers up the paw with these little, red boot things on the bottom. And it comes up and ties around the neck, and there's tube stuff down from the front. So from the front, it's like a tiny, little Superman with a dog's head. And then, on the back there's this cape. So when she trots around, it looks like she's flying! Ah, it's brilliant! And she loves it. I couldn't get it off for about a week. It's honestly, they're absolutely brilliant, you must check it out. So anyway, tonight this is for Doris.”","author":"Kate Rusby","tags":["costumes","dogs","funny","music","superman"]}
{"quote":"“C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. - Marigold”","author":"Jean Ferris","tags":["funny","giants","joke"]}
{"quote":"“Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf. ”","author":"Andrew Davidson","tags":["funny","humor","life","women"]}
{"quote":"“I cannot guarantee my attendance tomorrow morning,\" Merribeth said in all seriousness. \"I distinctly heard my coverlet and pillow conspiring to hold me captive until luncheon. I fear no amount of bravery will save me.”","author":"Vivienne Lorret,","tags":["funny","getting-out-of-bed","humor","morning"]}
{"quote":"“And I’m lactose intolerant but if you told me I couldn’t have cheese ever again, I would slap you in your face.”","author":"Retta,","tags":["cheese","food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Revenge of the Giant Grill Man.”","author":"Joan Bauer,","tags":["funny","self-explanatory"]}
{"quote":"“Don't get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria's finest was sworn in as governor of the great state of California.”","author":"J. Maarten Troost,","tags":["funny","meth","sacramento"]}
{"quote":"“I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.”","author":"Lawrence Welk","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I had a tumor. But it was great.”","author":"David Rakoff","tags":["daily-show","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Your tears don't stop the clock.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar,","tags":["clock","clock-quotes","funny","tears","tick-tock"]}
{"quote":"“Kenji grins. 'Okay then. Let's go get our girl back.''My girl,' I correct him. 'She's my girl.'Kenji snorts as we head in the direction of the compounds. 'Right. Minus the part where she's actually not your girl. Not anymore.”","author":"Tahereh Mafi,","tags":["funny","kenji-kishimoto"]}
{"quote":"“Bombs Away!\" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. \"And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken,\" he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.”","author":"Debi Gliori,","tags":["funny","gross","hilarious","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Please ejaculate\", I silently urged the man, \"so I can go to sleep\". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me”","author":"Jon Ronson,","tags":["funny","humour","joke","sex"]}
{"quote":"“What are we talking about again?” he asks.I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both laugh.“What are the ingredients?” he prompts me again.“Mutual self-interest and socioeconomic compatibility.”“Do you even have a soul?”“No such thing as a soul,” I say.”","author":"Nicola Yoon,","tags":["contemporary-ya-romance","flirting","funny","love","romantic","ya"]}
{"quote":"“Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.”","author":"Mitch Albom,","tags":["dance","funny","humor","humour","music","rhythm"]}
{"quote":"“This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.”","author":"Penny Reid,","tags":["funny","humor","humour","love"]}
{"quote":"“Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.”","author":"Connie Willis,","tags":["cats","funny","time-travel"]}
{"quote":"“I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.”","author":"Patrick Rothfuss,","tags":["arcanist","cheese","demons","funny","magic","rind"]}
{"quote":"“This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone now: Sloane Brodie departed this world at age 37 due to massive coronary trauma as a result of idiot partner Dexter J. Daley.--Sloane”","author":"Charlie Cochet,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If Sloane’s quiet words hadn’t been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane’s quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment of it.Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.Ash’s growl echoed through the showers. “What are you two gay boys doing in there?”Aaand done.--Dex”","author":"Charlie Cochet,","tags":["ash-the-cockblocker","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.”","author":"Gore Vidal","tags":["fun","funny","gore-vidal","humor","political","politics","reagan","ronald-reagan"]}
{"quote":"“Now you be careful in the real world\" said Armpit \" Not everyone is as nice as us.”","author":"Louis Sachar,","tags":["book","children-books","funny","holes"]}
{"quote":"“The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["art","artist","caricature","character","comedian","comedy","difficulty","discernment","drawing","friends","friendship","funny","funny-people","humor","laughter","mask","painting","personality","satire","sketch","trait","understanding"]}
{"quote":"“Bagi orang-orang yang sedang menyimpan perasaan, ternyata bukan soal besok kiamat saja yang membuatnya panik, susah hati. Cukup hal kecil seperti jaringan komunikasi terputus, genap sudah untuk membuatnya nelangsa.”","author":"Tere Liye,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Her mouth set. \"I've already lost one man I loved tonight. I will not lose the other.\" She glared at him. \"And curse you, you stone head, for making me say it first.”","author":"Patrick W. Carr,","tags":["anger","death","first","first-love","funny","funny-love","funny-romance","head","lost","love","loved","romance","stone","stone-head"]}
{"quote":"“I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn't stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the result I have a teaching certificate for Latin and Hungarian for the lower classes of the gymnasium, for kids from 10 to 14. I never made use of this teaching certificate. And then I came to philosophy, physics, and mathematics. In fact, I came to mathematics indirectly. I was really more interested in physics and philosophy and thought about those. It is a little shortened but not quite wrong to say: I thought I am not good enough for physics and I am too good for philosophy. Mathematics is in between.”","author":"George Pólya","tags":["biography","funny","humor","hungarian","interest","joke","language","latin","law","literature","math","mathematics","philosophy","physics","science","study","teaching"]}
{"quote":"“It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.”","author":"Kylie Scott,","tags":["funny","ros","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. \"There we go. How are they?\"She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. \"Good, I think. Thank you.\"\"Wear them the next time we f***. That would be thanking me.\"\"Aww. You say the sweetest things.\"\"Don't I?”","author":"Kylie Scott,","tags":["funny","nick"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy.”","author":"J.D. Salinger,","tags":["funny","happiness","happy","paranoia"]}
{"quote":"“Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.”","author":"William Goldman,","tags":["books-to-reality","family","funny","miracle-max","s-morgenstern","the-princess-bride","valerie","william-goldman"]}
{"quote":"“I am a vicious and unrepentant killer who should be locked up. With him, my idiot boyfriend.”","author":"Kylie Scott,","tags":["cute","funny","ros"]}
{"quote":"“Ali was a lucky, lucky girl having those two big hot men at her disposal. Not that Roslyn wasn't content with her one surly man, but still...two. Some people were enjoying their apocalypse a little too much.”","author":"Kylie Scott,","tags":["funny","ros"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.
”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy.”","author":"Phyllis Reynolds Naylor,","tags":["attitude","boys","bushes","father","father-daughter-relationship","funny","humerous","kissing","light","love","outrage","park","porch","sex","sexually-active","spinach","stupid","teen","teenage","teenage-girl","yelling"]}
{"quote":"“Bravo Sherlock. That's two lollipops I owe you.”","author":"Amie Kaufman","tags":["funny","illuminae","reference","sherlock"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.
”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the sharpest claws, and two front teeth as long as knives and as sharp as blades. And I said to him, Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I’ll look after your balls for you. He was so proud of his balls. So he got into the water hole for a swim, and I put his balls on, and left him my own little spider balls. And then, you know what I did? I ran away, fast as my legs would take me “I didn’t stop till I got to the next town, And I saw Old Monkey there. You lookin’ mighty fine, Anansi, said Old Monkey. I said to him, You know what they all singin’ in the town over there? What are they singin’? he asks me. They singin’ the funniest song, I told him. Then I did a dance, and I sings, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “Old Monkey he laughs fit to bust, holding his side and shakin’, and stampin’, then he starts singin’ Tiger’s balls, I ate Tiger’s balls, snappin’ his fingers, spinnin’ around on his two feet. That’s a fine song, he says, I’m goin’ to sing it to all my friends. You do that, I tell him, and I head back to the water hole. “There’s Tiger, down by the water hole, walkin’ up and down, with his tail switchin’ and swishin’ and his ears and the fur on his neck up as far as they can go, and he’s snappin’ at every insect comes by with his huge old saber teeth, and his eyes flashin’ orange fire. He looks mean and scary and big, but danglin’ between his legs, there’s the littlest balls in the littlest blackest most wrinkledy ball-sack you ever did see. “Hey, Anansi, he says, when he sees me. You were supposed to be guarding my balls while I went swimming. But when I got out of the swimming hole, there was nothing on the side of the bank but these little black shriveled-up good-for-nothing spider balls I’m wearing. “I done my best, I tells him, but it was those monkeys, they come by and eat your balls all up, and when I tell them off, then they pulled off my own little balls. And I was so ashamed I ran away. “You a liar, Anansi, says Tiger. I’m going to eat your liver. But then he hears the monkeys coming from their town to the water hole. A dozen happy monkeys, boppin’ down the path, clickin’ their fingers and singin’ as loud as they could sing, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “And Tiger, he growls, and he roars and he’s off into the forest after them, and the monkeys screech and head for the highest trees. And I scratch my nice new big balls, and damn they felt good hangin’ between my skinny legs, and I walk on home. And even today, Tiger keeps chasin’ monkeys. So you all remember: just because you’re small, doesn’t mean you got no power.”","author":"Neil Gaiman,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway.'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully.'Huh?' said Lester.”","author":"Phyllis Reynolds Naylor,","tags":["alice","brother","confusion","funny","genitals","girl","gross","hand-mirror","humorous","mirror","random","resentful","sexuality","sibling","sour-cream","teenage-boy","teenage-girl","weird","woman"]}
{"quote":"“I was lucky that I was born bigger and faster than the average Joe, and play a game that people are stupid enough to pay millions of dollars to watch.”","author":"Winfred Tubbs","tags":["dollars","funny","nfl"]}
{"quote":"“A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.”","author":"Caskie Stinnett","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["apologetics","bible","devil-s-advocate","evangelism","funny","funny-but-true","humor","worldly"]}
{"quote":"“People talk too much, humans aren't descended from monkeys, they're descended from parrots.”","author":"Carlos Ruiz Zafón,","tags":["funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC.
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.”","author":"M.J. McGuire","tags":["cats","feline","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“It’s like they were worried that I’d be alone all day brooding and painting my cabin black or something—sheesh.”","author":"Melissa C. Walker,","tags":["brooding","funny","sad"]}
{"quote":"“...it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","artists","be-yourself","catholic-author","creative-process","encouragement","funny","gadfly","humor","humor-inspirational","individuality","inspirational","ironic","irony","irony-of-life","rebel","rebellion","rebels","stupidity","stupidity-of-man","uniqueness"]}
{"quote":"“... an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","artists","arts-and-humanities","be-yourself","bored","boredom","creative-people","creative-process","creativity","funny","humor","humor-inspirational","predictability","predictable"]}
{"quote":"“I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here.”","author":"Melissa St. Hilaire","tags":["alien","fitting-in","funny","monkey"]}
{"quote":"“I’m a firm believer in equality at all times—”“At all times?” She glanced at the cuffs clipped to his leathers. “Why do I find that hard to believe?” And why the heck was she arguing with him. Mine, mine, mine.“At all times,” he repeated. “However, in the bedroom or in the club, I am a lot more equal than you.”","author":"Cherise Sinclair,","tags":["bdsm","erotic-romance","funny","humour","romance"]}
{"quote":"“But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.”","author":"Terry Prachett talking about Neil Gaiman,","tags":["fiction","funny","good-omens","humour","neil-gaiman","terry-prachett"]}
{"quote":"“Y’all might as well come on out,” I said. “I know you’re there. I can smell you.”“Smell me? But I just took a shower this morning!” an indignant voice drifted out of the shadows.There was a loud sound, like someone was getting smacked upside the head. Then another voice let out a low mutter.“Shut up, idiot.”","author":"Jennifer Estep,","tags":["assassin","billy","bobby","funny","gin-blanco","humor","idiots","smell"]}
{"quote":"“Bones just stared. \"You're not a woman,\" he said finally. \"You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!”","author":"Jeaniene Frost,","tags":["bones","cat","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.\"Foolhardy?\" Kelsier asked with a laugh. \"that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. \"By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few years\"\"We'll fix that\" Kelsier promised.”","author":"Brandon Sanderson,","tags":["diversions","dockson","dox","foolhardy","funny","getting-boring","humor","humorous","kell","kelsier","plan","planning","plans","promise","promises"]}
{"quote":"“I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.”","author":"Cate Tiernan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I claim neither liberalism nor conservatism - one tends to be airheaded while the other tends to be brickheaded.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["airheads","brickheads","conservatism","funny","liberalism"]}
{"quote":"“The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.”","author":"Criss Jami,","tags":["activity","bore","boredom","boring","contagious","cynic","cynical","cynicism","funny","humor","mediocrity","people","yawn","yawning"]}
{"quote":"“Cara: *Flies*Gen: What? I don't have wings!Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy.”","author":"Jim Henson","tags":["flying","funny","the-dark-crystal","wings","women-power"]}
{"quote":"“Mallory dropped her head to the steering wheel. \"Look, I'm mad at you, okay? This isn't about me. I know my painful memories are relative. My life is good. I'm lucky. This isn't about how poor little Mallory has had it so hard. I'm not falling apart or anything.\"He stroked a hand down her back. \"Of course you're not. You're just holding the steering wheel up with your head for a minute, that's all.”","author":"Jill Shalvis,","tags":["funny","poignant"]}
{"quote":"“...You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? . . . Believe it! By will of his own mind, he could make his heart stop beating for good' My neighbor poised and looked seriously at me, searching in my eyes. '...You laugh!' he repeated once more… 'You laugh, but he was a master at it! He could commit suicide at his own will!' Indeed, hearty laughter streamed through my nose. 'Could he do it perpetually?' I asked. 'Perpetually...?' My neighbor rubbed his waxy chin. 'I mean, is he still able to do it?' 'I’m not sure I understand.' 'Well? Then is he dead…?!'My neighbor's puzzled face slowly began to transform into a look of realization. 'But sir,' he said, 'Of course he’s dead! I mean to say... this man could kill himself on command, you see. And you don’t come back from the dead!' The two of us found ourselves crossing to the door so I could let my visitor out. I slapped him with friendliness on the shoulder. 'No, you don’t come back from the dead,' I agreed.”","author":"Roman Payne","tags":["comical","death","funny","mind-powers","mystical-powers","mysticism","payne","suicide","the-wanderess","yoga"]}
{"quote":"“I'm taller than my father, and taller than two of the stones at Ban Drochaid.\"\"I meant in feet,\" she clarified. Speaking of the mundane gave her a measure of calm.He eyed his boots a moment and appeared to be doing some rapid calculations.”","author":"Karen Marie Moning,","tags":["drustan","funny","gwen","height","karen-marie-moning","kiss-of-the-highlander","mackeltar"]}
{"quote":"“If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.”","author":"Tom Hanks","tags":["funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“Bryan helped me up.  \"How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?\"I shrugged.  \"I've never been very athletic.  Not unless you count fencing.\"\"You made fences?”","author":"John Corwin,","tags":["fences","funny","john-corwin","stupid","sweet-blood-of-mine"]}
{"quote":"“Mother, you have my father much offended.”","author":"William Shakespeare","tags":["funny","hamlet","sassy","shakespeare"]}
{"quote":"“Ish #303 \"It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.”","author":"Regina Griffin","tags":["funny","funny-as-hell","funny-quotes","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.”","author":"Megan McCafferty,","tags":["funny","harry-potter-related","quidditch"]}
{"quote":"“TO:rosencrantzpinchard@gmai.com: Something's wrong! The house is shaking!TO:rosencrantzpinchard@gmail.com: Well can you turn down the volume on Star Trek:Voyager? I thought we were having an earthquake when the Enterprise hit Warp speed. Why did you let me sleep until nearly one?”","author":"Robert Bryndza,","tags":["awesome","email","funny","star-trek-warp-speed"]}
{"quote":"“All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there's no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don't-need-a-mirror kind of way.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What did you think of him?\" Cade asked.\"Give me some credit,\" Zach said. \"Guy’s more full of shit than a duck pond.”","author":"Christopher Farnsworth,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, \"my dear leetle mongoose.\" I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.”","author":"Alex Flinn,","tags":["funny","funny-humor"]}
{"quote":"“Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?\" Adina scoffed. \"Is she all, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't s ee your penis there'?\"Tiara squealed and waved her hands. \"Don't say that word!\"\"What? Accidentally? Sorry? Penis?\"\"Gah!\" Tiara put her fingers in her ears.\"What about phallic?\" Petra teased. \"Like, 'Yon volcano is quite phallic, Lady Tiara.'\" Tiara looked confused. \"Phallic means penis-like,\" Petra explained.\"Ooh,\" Tiara said.”","author":"Libba Bray","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Instead of hearing the message he was trying to impress upon me and the impressionable queer ears hanging on his every word, all I could think was, I can't believe he just told them all how old I am.- Jason's reaction to Chad's speech”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Leave your incidental Dick.”","author":"Vladimir Nabokov,","tags":["funny","innuendo","lolita","wordplay"]}
{"quote":"“Wearing that personal trainer nametag doesn't make you right #AHOLE”","author":"Andy Ostrom,","tags":["diet","exercise","funny","humor","life","workout"]}
{"quote":"“I'm sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don't even like the game very much, I think it's silly, but I so miss physical activity that I'd be thrilled if I could run around the gymnasium with a broom between my legs, chasing after the human snitch wearing a gold pinny.”","author":"Megan McCafferty,","tags":["funny","harry-potter-related","quidditch"]}
{"quote":"“But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","politics","puns"]}
{"quote":"“Graham Chapman, co-author of the \"Parrot Sketch\", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. (He paused, then claimed that Chapman had whipered in his ear while he was writing the speech):All right, Cleese. You say you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'.”","author":"John Cleese","tags":["death","funeral","funeral-speech","funny","graham-chapman","humorous","humour","john-cleese","monty-python"]}
{"quote":"“You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”","author":"Jon Stewart","tags":["funny","politics"]}
{"quote":"“I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others...”","author":"Richard Paul Evans,","tags":["funny","michael-vey","taylor"]}
{"quote":"“At the door, Audrey called, \"Are you coming?\"\"No, just breathing hard, love.\" He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, \"Oh, my God!”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","ilona-andrews","kaldar","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.”","author":"Anthony Horowitz,","tags":["alex-rider","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Doode,\" George said.He'd practiced all morning but still didn't get it quite right. \"Nope, more u, less oo. Duuude.\"\"Dude.\"\"Dude.\"\"Okay, dude.\" George nodded. \"How's it hanging?\" Jack asked. \"How am I supposed to answer that?\" George looked at him. \"I don't think Kaldar said anything about that. I guess 'good'? I don't get it. What's hanging anyway?\"George shook his head. \"Your stuff, you nimwit.\"His stuff...Oh. Ha! \"In that case, it's hanging long!\" Jack dissolved in giggles. \"Long, get it?”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["dude","fate-s-edge","funny","george","hanging","ilona-andrews","jack","perverted","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“Her brain is like a filing cabinet – everything neatly stored in categories. My brain is more like soup – everything all blended and mushed together.”","author":"Cat Clarke","tags":["funny","laine-s-fave"]}
{"quote":"“So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”","author":"Stephen Colbert,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You'll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.”","author":"Kiersten White,","tags":["funny","medical"]}
{"quote":"“Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”","author":"Jon Stewart","tags":["funny","politics-of-the-united-states"]}
{"quote":"“This doesn't mean you're getting a discount.\"Audrey heaved a mock sigh. \"Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.\"Gnome choked on the soup. \"I'm old enough to be your grandfather!\"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. \"But you're not.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","gnome","ilona-andrews","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“Tighe took control of his thoughts.“You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to comein with you. You must let them in. Don’t allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you’llgo into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go tosleep.”The bastard’s career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But hedeserved it for kicking a cat.”","author":"Pamela Palmer,","tags":["cat-lover","funny","justice","tighe"]}
{"quote":"“I put the sexy in dyslexia.”","author":"Mariah Gonzales","tags":["dyslexia","funny","sexy"]}
{"quote":"“Gee-word?\"\"Gods. What were you doin' the day they handed out brains, boy, anyway?\"\"Someone was telling a story about stealing a tiger's balls, and I had to stop and find out how it ended.”","author":"Neil Gaiman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock.\" Hector”","author":"Gena Showalter,","tags":["alien-huntress","funny","hector"]}
{"quote":"“That's all right,\" she told him. \"I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine.\"Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","gaston","george","ilona-andrews","jack","kaldar","male-skepticism","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“Don't say anything. Just act cool,\" I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.\"Like this?\" it asked.\"No, I mean act calm.\"Mavkel stopped shivering.”","author":"Alison Goodman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.”","author":"Tamara Summers,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Okay, time to get serious. I let my smile fade slowly and lowered my pitch, as no human woman could have. “I’m not joking this time. If I see it, it’s mine, and you won’t get it back at the end of the school year.” I growled, deep and long, savoring the feel of the vibrations in my throat, as if the sound alone could save me. It wasn’t quite a cat’s growl but it was damn close. And it was his last warning.Miguel dismissed my threat with an easy smile, and my stomach clenched. Oh, yeah, Faythe. You have Puss shaking in his boots, all right.”","author":"Rachel Vincent,","tags":["funny","rachel-vincent","stray"]}
{"quote":"“I remember that story. You have read it four times.\" Samson shrugged. \"Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, 'That was a fine piece of music. I'll never listen to that again.\" But some people treat books that way. Not I!”","author":"Karen A. Wyle,","tags":["books","funny","humor","reading"]}
{"quote":"“Yes it is\" Eragon said before his courage left him \"just like you”","author":"Christopher Paolini,","tags":["embaracing","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something.”","author":"Laura Kreitzer,","tags":["fantasy","fiction","funny","gills","humor","kreitzer","timeless-series","water"]}
{"quote":"“Love is as we will it to be.\" ~ Amunhotep El Bey”","author":"Amunhotep El Bey,","tags":["comedy","funny","humorous-quotations","inspirational-quotations","lol","motivational-quotations","philosophical-quotations","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.”","author":"Amunhotep El Bey,","tags":["comedy","fun","funny","funny-quotations","humor","humorous-quotations","lol"]}
{"quote":"“I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.”","author":"Hayden Thorne,","tags":["funny","toddlers","young-adult"]}
{"quote":"“Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It's nature's way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the ages of 28-38. Can someone please dramatically reduce the cost of housing, already?~SHEESH~”","author":"Dakota Dawn","tags":["funny","humor","inspirational","life","truth"]}
{"quote":"“It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender.“Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively.“Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.”","author":"Laura Kreitzer,","tags":["angels","fantasy","fiction","funny","humor","jenna-moretti","joseph-carter","keepers","novella","timeless-series","ya"]}
{"quote":"“I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.”","author":"L.H. Thomson,","tags":["english","funny","giggles","humor"]}
{"quote":"“It just doesn't seem right to spend your entire life drinking, when you could be exploring the world.\"\"Or,\" Zhy said as he hefted a mug to his lips, \"it doesn't seem right to be risking your life running down warlocks when you could be sitting on a nice, warm bar stool.”","author":"Martin D. Gibbs","tags":["fantasy","funny","the-spaces-between","zhy"]}
{"quote":"“So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.”","author":"Daniel Silva,","tags":["alcohol","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","ideas"]}
{"quote":"“Now me,” said Mr. Vandemar.“What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot,” he added, helpfully.”","author":"Neil Gaiman,","tags":["funny","wordplay"]}
{"quote":"“Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?' 'Neythen, my lord.''Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis.”","author":"Eloisa James,","tags":["funny","hilarious","make-fun-of","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["cars","funny","sneaky"]}
{"quote":"“As Confucius once said, \"He who does nothing is the one who does nothing.\"'Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. 'did Confucius really say that?'Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. 'No, but who cared? The point is, they handled, and most likely they found some sort of self-satisfaction in their industrious-ness. Who am I to deprive them of that?'Gabby put her hands on her hips. 'Or maybe you just wanted to be lazy.'Stephanie grinned. 'Like Jesus said, \"Blessed are the lazy who lie in boats, for they shall inherit a suntan.\"''Jesus didn't say that.''True,' Stephanie afreed, sitting up. She removed her glasses, stared through them, then wiped them on a towel. 'But again, who cares?”","author":"Nicholas Sparks,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?'She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her.Oh dear God!He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded.'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.”","author":"Julie Anne Long,","tags":["funny","hilarious","wrong"]}
{"quote":"“Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.”","author":"Steve Maraboli,","tags":["convert","funny","gray-hair","humor","peer-pressure"]}
{"quote":"“Is he following? Can you have a flaming gay moment or something and check?\"\"Why do I have to be the flaming gay one?”","author":"Finn Marlowe,","tags":["contemporary","funny","intense","m-m-romance","supernatural"]}
{"quote":"“Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.”","author":"Neil Gaiman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["cats","funny"]}
{"quote":"“She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I found her lying naked on the lawn at midnight, can I keep her?”","author":"R.J. Anderson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?”","author":"Joe Dunthorne,","tags":["funny","kissing"]}
{"quote":"“She'll soon forget.\"\"Caddy,\" said Saffron impatiently, \"she is headmistress of the private school! She's probably never forgotten anything in her whole life!”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["forget","funny","teachers"]}
{"quote":"“So you're here by yourself?\"“Yes.\"“Seems like an odd place to come by yourself.\"“I needed to get away.\"“Woman trouble? That's another of my father's expressions.\"“No, actually. I poisoned my neighbor's dogs.\"After a moment she said, “How drunk are you?\"“Quite.\"“Is that true?\"“What?\"“That you poisoned your neighbor’s dogs.\"“I’m afraid it is.\"“I have dogs.\"“Well, keep them away from me.”","author":"David Gilmour,","tags":["death","funny"]}
{"quote":"“This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink... mug of water.”","author":"Russell Brand","tags":["crazy","funny","humor","interview","thoughts"]}
{"quote":"“\"Joss\"\"What?\"\"What?\" Dylan asked back.\"You just said my name.\"\"No I didn't\"\"Sorry that was me.\"I sat up, banging my head on the roof. \"Who is that?\"\"Hey, stay down here where the air is good, okay?\" Dylan pulled me gently back down. \"Hows your head?\"\"Not good, I think.\"\"Um, okay, so you here me. Heather's right, you do think loud. I mean, I've never heard you before, but my Talent seems to be a lot more selective than her's. But now that she's got me turned in to you-\"\"Who are you?\"\"It's still me, Marshall. It's Dylan. I'm right here.\"\"My name's Joel.\"\"Joel?\"\"Joss, what are you talking about?\" He took my face in his hands. \"Who's Joel?\"\"The voice in my head, I guess.\"\"Jesus.”","author":"Susan Bischoff,","tags":["bischoff","chronicles","curfew","funny","heroes","susan","talent","til"]}
{"quote":"“Tim and Raine are coming in.\"\"Are they insane?\"\"Apparently.”","author":"Susan Bischoff,","tags":["bischoff","chronicles","curfew","funny","heroes","susan","talent","til"]}
{"quote":"“Even Dad likes it,\" said Caddy, and her father agreed that he did. In a way. Being a broad-minded, tolerant, artistic sort of person. Or so people told him...\"Oh, yes?\" said Saffron, rolling her eyes.\"Yes,\" said Bill, sounding a little bit peeved. \"So you thank your lucky stars, my girl, because in some families you would have come home to very big trouble! A nose stud! At your age! If you come down with blood poisoning, don't blame me!”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["fathers-and-daughters","funny","piercings"]}
{"quote":"“Same as you, Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in maths and another in astrophysics it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. Sorry I missed the Wednesday lunch date, but I was in a black hole all morning.”","author":"Douglas Adams,","tags":["funny","hhgttg","maths","physics","radio"]}
{"quote":"“Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word...\" (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)”","author":"Hilary McKay,","tags":["funny","tourist"]}
{"quote":"“Sorry I'm late,\" Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny","late","papers","school","teacher"]}
{"quote":"“Stealing is good, honest work,\" Said the theif, puffing out his chest. \"Well, not honest, strictly speaking,\" he admitted after a moment. \"Or actually good.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.”","author":"Cheryl Cory,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","kermit","muppets","music","rainbows","song-lyrics","songs"]}
{"quote":"“Wait a minute, hold on... The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?”","author":"Caroline Goode,","tags":["funny","humor","mythology"]}
{"quote":"“The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I am a teacher. Pay close attention - this will be on the test. You don't wreck buildings. You don't take children hostage. And you don't threaten people with violence. Okay class dismissed. Looks like you fail!”","author":"Yoko","tags":["funny","gurren-lagann","yoko"]}
{"quote":"“Screw sharks; a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me.”","author":"Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Draus,","tags":["funny","ocean"]}
{"quote":"“He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Theatres are curious places, magician's trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and off the stage. Murders, mayhem, politcal intrigue, lucrative business, secret assignations, and of course, dinner.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["acting","actors","dinner","drama","dramatic","fantastic","food","funny","humor","i-love-the-theater","i-love-the-theatre","murder","mysteries","nostalgia","opera","opera-house","plays","playwrights","politics","satire","secrets","theater","theatre","theatre-of-the-absurd"]}
{"quote":"“But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.”","author":"Barack Obama,","tags":["funny","irony","irrelevant-nowadays"]}
{"quote":"“(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humorous","ironic","irony","laughable"]}
{"quote":"“Most animals show themselves sparingly. The grizzly bear is six to eight hundred pounds of smugness. It has no need to hide. If it were a person, it would laugh loudly in quiet restaurants, boastfully wear the wrong clothes for special occasions, and probably play hockey.”","author":"Craig Childs,","tags":["animals","bear","funny","grizzly-bear"]}
{"quote":"“I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it's not a lie.”","author":"Mark Wahlberg","tags":["believe","funny","honesty","lies","mark-wahlberg"]}
{"quote":"“Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.”","author":"Candice Bergen","tags":["funny","hollywood","humorous","picasso"]}
{"quote":"“Bags!”","author":"Terry Goodkind,","tags":["bad","book","curse","funny","humor","magic","wizard","word","zedd"]}
{"quote":"“By the time I'm nine I know the world is a dangerous place.  I've heard whispers about razorblades in apples, about Charlie Manson and his family.  But no one is offering any clear information.”","author":"Nick Flynn","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.”","author":"Aravind Adiga,","tags":["adiga","aravind","funny","humor","humour","last","man","tower"]}
{"quote":"“I’m the sexiest of them all! - Carol”","author":"Matthew Harvel Leeth,","tags":["book","funny","horror","matthew-leeth","me","she-was-different"]}
{"quote":"“You'll see. I have a collection of fine waistcoats and a handsome face.\" He stepped back to let her take in the full effect of both and her smile spread to the edge of a laugh.”","author":"Meljean Brook,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, he's not using a holster,\" I said, glancing at Alex's on the dresser. He laughed out loud. \"Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It'd be so great if these things were true to life - the next scene would show him at hospital like, clutching himself in agony.\"'Angel - L.A.Weatherly”","author":"L.A.Weatherly  ,","tags":["angel","comedy","funny"]}
{"quote":"“It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","irony","sarcasm"]}
{"quote":"“You're a big boy, No. You'll figure something out. Just make sure it includes the groveling.\" -AbbyIt come to all of us. Especially those of us foolish enough to fall in love with women who have minds of their own. If you will recall, your own sister had a few things she had to forgive me for before we could move on with our relationship.\" -RuleThere's a big difference between a little kidnapping and what he did.\" -Abby\"You did not call it a 'little' anything at the time, sweet. You were furious with me. Believe me, the groveling does do wonders.\" -Rule”","author":"Christine Warren,","tags":["funny","realtionship-problems"]}
{"quote":"“You get a promotion?\"\"I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. [...]\"\"You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me.\"\"We're a bit more subtle.”","author":"Nelson DeMille,","tags":["funny","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["funny","humor","jokes"]}
{"quote":"“It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's man.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“GOD. Sometimes I think there might be a god out there, and that every once in a while he tunes in to see what we're up to, and have a good laugh at how we like to dress him up in various costume. Robes, thorny crowns, yarmulkes and curls, saris and butt-hugging yoga pants. Male, female, a genderless reincarnation factory; a Mother Earth or a withholding Father Christmas. I would think it would amuse the hell out of him. That we're all idolaters, worshiping figments of our own creation who bear no resemblance to him.Maybe he's sitting in some alternate dimension somewhere, saying, 'Shit, I didn't even create the world! I was just cooking my dinner, not paying attention to the heat, and suddenly here was this big band and a few hours later, a bunch of dinosaurs...”","author":"Suzanne Morrison,","tags":["big-bang-theory","funny","god"]}
{"quote":"“I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey”","author":"R.J. Dennis","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!!”","author":"Ali shariati","tags":["death","faith","funny","humor","life","love","philosophy","politics","relationship","religion","science","war"]}
{"quote":"“The moonlight caught the glint of his lip ring, which he was now fondling with the tip of his tongue as he stared down at me. It was a bit awkward.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","life","love","new"]}
{"quote":"“Nona needs a very dry martini.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.”","author":"Matt Dunn,","tags":["funny","humorous","louis-vuitton"]}
{"quote":"“I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard!”","author":"Ethan Day,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Count yourself fortunate.\" He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. \"Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth.”","author":"Lynn Viehl,","tags":["funny","humor","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“I thanked the lucky stars for my great metabolism, because Karsen had showed me pictures of her mom once and it was scary the transformation she underwent after popping three kids out. She went from a small, dainty beauty to a giant pineapple blob of a body.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded”","author":"TBBishiXO","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Are you coming back to campus or you sticking around here with the prick?”","author":"Holly Hood","tags":["funny","love","love-hurts"]}
{"quote":"“Dammit. I think I’m in like with the naked man I met today.”","author":"RJ Gonzales,","tags":["funny","like","love","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!”","author":"L.M. Montgomery","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Poetry destroyed? Genius banished? No! Mediocrity, no: do not let envy prompt you to the thought. No; they not only live, but reign, and redeem: and without their divine influence spread everywhere, you would be in hell--the hell of your own meanness.”","author":"Charlotte Brontë,","tags":["funny","genius","meanness","mediocrity","poetry"]}
{"quote":"“At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.”","author":"Eric Idle","tags":["comedy","freedom","funny","humor","humour","repressive","satire"]}
{"quote":"“I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.”","author":"C.S. Forester,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.”","author":"Santosh Kalwar","tags":["america","asia","countries","europe","funny","joke","poetry-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.''You are very considerate to explain it this way,' Sugreeva said, 'but I was drunk”","author":"R.K. Narayan,","tags":["drunk","funny","ramayana"]}
{"quote":"“Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is so, it is so -- it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on't! There 'tis. Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog -- O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: 'Father, your blessing.' Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father -- well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her -- why, there 'tis: here's my mother's breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["clown","crab","fool","funny","humor","launce","monologue"]}
{"quote":"“I'm still furious with you,\" she murmured, kissing a line down his chest.\"Oh, God, please don't be furious,\" he choked out quickly. \"Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left.\" He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. \"The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things.\" He groaned. \"And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters.”","author":"Adele Ashworth,","tags":["angry","funny","love","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. \"My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception.\" She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, \"I'll kill him.”","author":"Adele Ashworth,","tags":["funny","husband-and-wife","sarcastic"]}
{"quote":"“I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["death","funny","life","love","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words on scraps of litter, the back of a bus tickets, on the wall of a cell. Emma is lost on anything less than 120gsm.”","author":"David Nicholls,","tags":["emma-morely","funny","stationary","writer","writing","written-word"]}
{"quote":"“I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You might be dead.”","author":"Doug MacLeod,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Katie purred in pleasure as she licked the beating vein in Jared’s neck.”","author":"Jodie B. Cooper,","tags":["dragon","elf","fantasy","funny","sidhi","teenage-love","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue!”","author":"Zathyn Priest,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.”Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.“I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up.No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gaveme raised eyebrows.“What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.”","author":"Laura Kreitzer,","tags":["funny","joke","timeless-series"]}
{"quote":"“And you are going to close the gates, because I told you to close the gates.”","author":"Hilari Bell,","tags":["authority","funny","jiaan"]}
{"quote":"“If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.”","author":"George Brett","tags":["funny","sports"]}
{"quote":"“As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and singing. But there are humans who catch bears and force us to dance. It’s agony. And there are other humans who pay to watch us.’Hannah sighed. ‘I suppose you’re right to distrust humans.’‘And that is why I must eat you,’ said the bear forlornly. ‘For the benefit of the entire bear population of the world. I’m awfully sorry about this.’‘That’s all right.’ Hannah shrugged her shoulders. ‘Is there any point in my trying to run away?’‘None. We bears may not be able to dance but we are experts when it comes to chasing things.’‘What if I climb a tree?’‘I’ll climb up after you, or push the tree over. It all depends on what sort of tree you choose to climb. Either way, you’ll end up eaten.’‘So be it,’ said Hannah. ‘How should I prepare myself?’‘I beg your pardon?’‘Will you eat me with my clothes on?’‘Of course. Otherwise it would be bad manners.”","author":"Doug MacLeod,","tags":["funny","inspirational","random"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. - Kye”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["dark-fantasy","fantasy","funny","krista-alasti","shifters","taming-shadows","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.”","author":"Robert DeCoteau,","tags":["celebrities","celebrity","funny","humor","humorous","quotes"]}
{"quote":"“No one here is allowed to die without my permission.”","author":"Doug MacLeod","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during and post menstrual tension.”","author":"Summersdale Publishers","tags":["funny","humor","woman"]}
{"quote":"“Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door...I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!”","author":"CK Webb","tags":["books","ck-webb","funny","humor","literature","stories"]}
{"quote":"“If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","humor","laundry"]}
{"quote":"“I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my eyes off his body, just the sight of his abs or arms was enough to make me want to get naked and let Carlo take over anything he wanted.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","love","witty"]}
{"quote":"“We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["death","funny","life"]}
{"quote":"“You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I’m in love.’‘I do understand,’ said Zoran. ‘It was same for me with Mrs Zoran when I first meet her. But the feeling goes away after few hours.”","author":"Doug MacLeod,","tags":["funny","romance"]}
{"quote":"“I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit--Marshall’s always been an ass--but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb that needs sweeping. - Shella”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["dark-fantasy","fantasy","funny","krista-alasti","shifters","taming-shadows","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“Sorry for your loss' Gordan said.His extended hand was immediately rejected with an if-looks-could-kill stare from Shelly's father, who was, as of yet, oblivious to the fact that we had stolen the last of his daughter.'Right. Well,fuck you too.”","author":"Ty Roth,","tags":["funny","so-shelly"]}
{"quote":"“I’m not scared any more,’ said Midge. ‘Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.’‘Yes,’ said Kevin. ‘And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose and feed it to a bear.”","author":"Doug MacLeod","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You sound like you're mentally deficient. And possibly Chinese.”","author":"Heidi Hall,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“There ain't no \"baby mama drama\" up in this Vortex, homie!”","author":"Esther Hicks","tags":["abraham-hicks","channeling-woo","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Dear Mom,I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge.Love, Steve”","author":"Mac Barnett,","tags":["funny","note","sprite"]}
{"quote":"“Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows.”","author":"Wendy Lichtman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Get off me you dirty turnip!\" \"Dirty turnip? well, pardon me Signor Cabbage-Head!”","author":"Elle Newmark,","tags":["elle-newmark","funny","luciano","marco"]}
{"quote":"“When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked.”","author":"Don Roff","tags":["funny","humor","writing"]}
{"quote":"“Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["door","funny","insult","mother"]}
{"quote":"“When people visit my farm they often envision their dog, finally off-leash in acres of safely fenced countryside, running like Lassie in a television show, leaping over fallen tree trunks, shiny-eyed with joy at the change to run free in the country. While they're imagining that heartwarming scene, their dog is most likely gobbling up sheep poop as fast as he can. Dog aren't people, and if they have their own image of heaven, it most likely involves poop.”","author":"Patricia B. McConnell,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I'm one-half Cherokee, one-half Irish, one-half Turkish, one-half Australian and one-half Korean.\" \"Excuse me, but that's five halves,\" said Maggie.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Kit,\" said a female voice, \"what's wrong with the fridge? All the food's gone. No, wait, there's a really ugly alien in here disguised as a leaky lettuce. Hey, I guess I shouldn't be rude to it; it's a visitor. Welcome to our planet, Mr. Alien!\"This was followed by some muffled remark that Nita couldn't make out, possibly something Kit was saying. A moment later, Kit's sister Carmela's voice came out of Nita's refrigerator again. \"Hola, Nita, are your phone bills getting too big? This is a weird way to deal with it...”","author":"Diane Duane,","tags":["carmela","fridge","funny","humor","kit","lettuce","nita","wizardry"]}
{"quote":"“Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God?”","author":"Dalia Sofer,","tags":["dalia-sofer","farnaz","funny","insult","septembers-of-shiraz"]}
{"quote":"“His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; \"I shall tell my mother of you!\" he sobs and crashes out of the chamber”","author":"Alison Weir,","tags":["alison-weir","funny","guilford-dudley","innocent-traitor","jane-grey"]}
{"quote":"“Rumo!\" said Rumo. \"That's right!\" Smyke exclaimed. \"You Rumo, me Smyke.\" \"You Rumo, me Smyke.\" Rumo repeated eagerly. \"No, no.\" Smyke chuckled.”","author":"Walter Moers,","tags":["cute","funny","repeating"]}
{"quote":"“It's like when you're on hold and a recorded voice comes on telling you how much the company values you as a customer. Really? Then maybe you should hire some more support people so I don't have to wait thirty minutes to get help.”","author":"Jason Fried,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)\" I thinks she's going to break my heart\" On arrival of the girl\" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!”","author":"Christopher Moore,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random","humor"]}
{"quote":"“A robber? In the trash bins? Honestly, Wes. This is Salem Falls, not the set of Law and Order.”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“A clue! From M!\"\"Who's M?\"\"Maybe M is for Mackintosh! Maybe Grabes ans Mackintosh are in cahoots!\"\"Or maybe M is for Mom. Also, who says 'cahoots'?”","author":"Mac Barnett","tags":["funny","m","mom"]}
{"quote":"“All the electronic devices are powered by white smoke. When smoke goes out, device is dead.”","author":"Milan Nikolic","tags":["electronics","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You'd be surprised.\" Charlie said.\"You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit.\"\"What the hell is Limp Bizkit?”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I seem to be allergic to whatever that terrible smell is,\" said Gateman when the urge to sneeze had finally subsided.\"What terrible smell?\"\"The air,\" said Gateman. \"It smells...different.\"\"That's called oxygen,\" said Professor Boxley. \"Freh air. No cars, no buses, no factories; just pure, clean oxygen.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["air","allergy","funny","oxygen","sneeze"]}
{"quote":"“This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.”","author":"Mac Barnett,","tags":["funny","laugh","unfunny"]}
{"quote":"“Prayers For Rain' begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that's longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the omnipresent chill, why does Robert Smith write such interminable intros? I can put on 'Prayers For Rain,' then cook an omelette in the time it takes him to start singing. He seems to have a rule that the creepier the song, the longer the wait before it actually starts. I'm not sure if Smith spends the intro time applying eye-liner or manually reducing his serotonin level, but one must endure a lot of doom-filled guitar patterns, cathedral-reverb drums and modal string synth wanderings during the opening of 'Prayers for Rain.”","author":"Tom Reynolds,","tags":["funny","music"]}
{"quote":"“Oh. My. God.’ she said, pointing out of the window. ‘Do you know what that is?’I nodded and said, ‘I think I may have seen it before.’‘That,’ said Florida, ‘is the Moonyouidiot.”","author":"Frank Cottrell Boyce","tags":["funny","the-moon"]}
{"quote":"“...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["aunt","funny","women"]}
{"quote":"“I launched into my speech, it took me a few seconds to realize that the only one listening was max (the dog) but at least he had the good manners to stop chewing the toilet brush and pay attention.”","author":"Sammi Carter,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“My Date was waiting for me at the kitchen door, ears perked, tail wagging and bits of wicker clinging to his nose and mouth\" --Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched”","author":"Sammi Carter","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd”","author":"Marthe Jocelyn,","tags":["folly","funny","james","marthe-jocelyn"]}
{"quote":"“Yes you are right,\" said Pavel. \"We will succeed simply because we are the best in all of world. We will get LVR by using incredible intelligence.\" Leon showed he was in full agreement by screaming and hitting himself repeatedly on the head.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Eating be eating, b'ain't it, Birdie?''Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. 'Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or the tablecloth, or belch, or speak with your mouth full of food, or scratch, or pick your teeth at table. Ye have to use little forks to pick up the food. Ye not allowed to pour wine for your betters or for yourself, but to wait for them to deign to pour it for ye, if they be feeling generous. And the carving of the meats must be done a certain way, and as for the toasts-it would take ye a whole day just to learn the complications.'Takes the fun out of eating,' observed Sianadh.”","author":"Cecilia Dart-Thornton,","tags":["eating","food","funny"]}
{"quote":"“He had a real mother, and a stepfather named Bart who Martin called Fart but only with his brothers and James”","author":"Marthe Jocelyn,","tags":["funny","marthe-jocelyn"]}
{"quote":"“Pay closer attention to it's ears, the reason it's named the Rabbit. Is it just me, or do those ears also look like someone making a rude V-Sign hand gesture? Oh, I get it now. Yes, very funny! Those bunny ears are meant to stimulate the clitoris, right? And of course, statistics and studies in bullshit magazines claim that 1 in every 2 men can't find the clitoris, right? Meaning what I think it means and that the sexist female who obviously designed this device is basically sticking two fingers up at crappy men, because her world famous toy can find the users clitoris quicker”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","rampant-rabbit","sexism","sexy-humor"]}
{"quote":"“Glass half full, or glass half empty, what am I? The answer? I'm not the bloody glass, I'm the fucking tap! Meaning, whatever my glass decides to be on a certain day, empty or full, I control how I feel and the flow of the milkshake inside it”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["comedian","funny","inspiration"]}
{"quote":"“FIGHT FOR EQUALITY, NOT TO SEEK REVENGE, PLEASE!”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["equality","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Suits obviously had helped to promote bad government and he was as guilty as anyone for wearing them so steadfastly for twenty years. Of late he had become frightened of the government for the first time in his life, the way the structure of democracy had begun debasing people rather than enlivening them in their mutual concern. The structure was no longer concerned with the purpose for which it was designed, and a small part of the cause, Nordstrom thought, was probably that all politicians and bureaucrats wore suits.”","author":"Jim Harrison,","tags":["funny","government","suits"]}
{"quote":"“I was of course discussing the book of Leviticus. I don't know why your mind is so filthy these days, Bingley.”","author":"Marsha Altman,","tags":["bingley","funny","mr-darcy"]}
{"quote":"“I shook my head. \"Not Interested\" I said.he straightened up. \"Not interested in what?\"In you.\" I couldn't be more blunt.Excuse me, miss, but I was going to ask if you would like to sign up for karaoke.”","author":"Karen E. Olson,","tags":["brett-kavanaugh","funny","the-missing-ink"]}
{"quote":"“Afore me! It is so very late,That we may call it early by and by.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["early","funny","late-to-bed"]}
{"quote":"“I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count.”","author":"Julie Powell,","tags":["food","funny","vegan"]}
{"quote":"“Okay,\" Percy said. \" Well, just don't get knocked unconscious.\"\"Shut up, Jackson.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["brick","bromance","funny","heroes-of-olympus","humor","jason-grace","percy-jackson"]}
{"quote":"“she shall scant show well that now shows best.”","author":"William Shakespeare,","tags":["funny","jealousy"]}
{"quote":"“There never was a man with such a face as yours, unless it was your father, and I suppose he is singeing his grizzled red beard by this time, unless you came straight from the old un without any father at all betwixt you; which I shouldn't wonder at, a bit.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold.”","author":"Dave Eggers,","tags":["cute","funny","smile"]}
{"quote":"“The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade.”","author":"Brett Tate","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","humour","memoir","sex"]}
{"quote":"“One thing I will say, they often take it better than a man. Pain, that is. Probably the residue of tolerance from when they were all bloody witches and got stoned or burned or drowned for it, eh lad? Never tell your mother I said that, by the way.”","author":"Sarah Hall,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He'd once explained that when he was a boy his very proper parents had forbidden him and his brothers to curse in the house so 'feather buckets' was the young boys coded way of saying 'f*ck it”","author":"Kate Carlisle,","tags":["brooklyn","funny","kate-carlisle"]}
{"quote":"“Who is this repulsive dwarf?”","author":"Kim Hunter,","tags":["funny","golgath","kim-hunter"]}
{"quote":"“Death is the ultimate vacation: you’re with the stars, you don’t have to pay rent, everyone loves you, and nothing hurts. So, it’s very important you save death for later.”","author":"Karl Kristian Flores,","tags":["dark-humor","death","funny","funny-quotes","inspiration","life","the-goodbye-song","truth","vacation"]}
{"quote":"“,,,I decided to play the hero. See how it felt. To try.''And?' she asks.'I didn't like it,' he admits. 'Henceforth, I think we should consider our roles as monarchs to be largely decorative. It would be better for the low Courts and the solitary Folk to work things out on their own.''I think you have iron poisoning,' she tells him, which could possibly be true but is still a hurtful thing to say when he is making perfect sense.”","author":"Holly Black,","tags":["cardan","cardan-greenbriar","funny","heroism","holly-black","jude","jude-duarte","perfect-sense","the-folk-of-the-air"]}
{"quote":"“Is it just me, or do you also think this is unnatural behavior in a female parent? Isn't there a federal law that says mothers are not allowed to laugh at vulnerable male children when they are required to wear stupid clothing to work?There should be.”","author":"A.E. Cannon,","tags":["a-e-cannon","funny","guide","life","loser-s","love","to"]}
{"quote":"“He shook his head, but I kept flattering him, telling him how fine his beard was, how fair his skin was (ha!), how it was obvious from his nose and forehead that he wasn't some pig herd who had converted, but a true-blue Muslim who had flown here on a magic carpet all the way from Mecca, and he grunted with satisfaction”","author":"Aravind Adiga,","tags":["flattery","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta”","author":"Saira Viola","tags":["comedy","funny","satirical"]}
{"quote":"“We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.”","author":"Daniel Quinn,","tags":["comical","funny","humor","ishmael"]}
{"quote":"“Hello, Martin.”","author":"William Sleator","tags":["elevator","fat-lady","funny","martin"]}
{"quote":"“I kicked, shouted an obscene word, got another faceful of goo for my troubles, and did the only thing left available to me. I started to laugh. This was a stupid way to die, all right. But also a god damned funny one.”","author":"Adam-Troy Castro,","tags":["adam-troy-castro","andrea-cort","funny"]}
{"quote":"“So how's the putrid pile of caca doing?”","author":"Kate Carlisle,","tags":["funny","kate-carlisle","robin"]}
{"quote":"“Its Batteries! I just know it!”","author":"Alison","tags":["cute","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Basil, is that you?\"\"No, mother, it's a burglar.”","author":"F. Scott Fitzgerald,","tags":["burglar","funny","parent"]}
{"quote":"“Darling daughter' -- Lord Cai pinched the bridge of his nose -- 'get in the car please.''Father', Juliette shot back, 'I crave violence.”","author":"Chloe Gong,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“HIGGINS [*snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief*] Have some chocolates, Eliza.LIZA [*halting, tempted*] How do I know what might be in them? I've heard of girls being drugged by the like of you.*Higgins whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one half into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.*HIGGINS. Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half: you eat the other. [*Liza opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it*]. You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day. You shall live on them. Eh?LIZA [*who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choked by it*] I wouldn't have ate it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out of my mouth.(Act 2, Scene 1).”","author":"George Bernard Shaw,","tags":["bernard-shaw","funny","humor","lady","love","manners","morals","play","pygmalion","romance"]}
{"quote":"“It's the fuckin' subway, not the fuckin' Notebook.”","author":"Casey McQuiston,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Remember, anyone can have car sex, yet it takes a truly active sexual imagine to make that car have sex with you too. The American's call it first base, second base, third base, don't they? I call it, first gear, second gear and reverse.”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","sexy-humor"]}
{"quote":"“If you don't love the job you do, then it's a job in itself to get up in the morning and go to work”","author":"Jimmy Tudeski,","tags":["funny","inspirational","truth-of-life"]}
{"quote":"“She shows up everywhere, at any time, like she can guesswhat we’re going to do before we do it.”“The lady is good at what she does,” Liam confirmed.“Can you please not compliment the person trying to drag our asses back to camp?”","author":"Alexandra Bracken,","tags":["chubs","funny","liam-stewart","the-darkest-minds"]}
{"quote":"“Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.”","author":"Mokokoma Mokhonoana","tags":["angular","anorexia","anorexic","aphorism","aphorisms","aphorist","aphorists","as-thin-as-a-rake","beefy","beer-bellied","big-boned","blubbery","bony","chubbiness","chubby","chunky","corpulence","corpulent","diet","eat","emaciated","energies","energy","fat","fatness","fatty","flabbiness","flabby","fleshy","food","funny","gangling","gangly","gaunt","gawky","gaze","gazing","glutton","gluttony","greed","greedy","gross","grossness","heavyset","hilarious","hollow-cheeked","humor","humorous","humour","impression","joke","jokes","junk","junk-food","lanky","large","lean","looking-like-a-bag-of-bones","meaty","obese","obesity","of-ample-proportions","overweight","paunchy","pinched","plump","plumpness","plus-sized","porky","portliness","portly","potbellied","pudgy","quotations","quotes","rangy","rawboned","repress","repression","roly-poly","rotundity","satire","scraggy","scrawny","skeletal","skin-and-bones","skinny","slender","slim","spindly","stare","staring","sticklike","stout","stoutness","suppress","suppression","takeaway","takeaways","takeout","takeouts","thin","tubby","underfed","undernourished","urge","urges","waiflike","well-upholstered"]}
{"quote":"“Nothing offended me except for cauliflower and stupidity.”","author":"Abby Jimenez,","tags":["cauliflower","funny","stupidity"]}
{"quote":"“We should change the name of AR-15s to 'Marco Rubio' because they are so easy to buy”","author":"sarah chadwick","tags":["civics","funny","gun-control","gun-violence","inspiring","intelligence","politics","progressive","truth"]}
{"quote":"“A good approach is to allow one dream per novel. Then, in the final revision, go back and get rid of that, too.”","author":"Howard Mittelmark,","tags":["funny","writing"]}
{"quote":"“I love that there's such a rivalry. It's like, leaf water versus bean water, ya know?”","author":"Robyn Schneider,","tags":["coffee","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“[...] and I switched to English literature, where so many frustrated poets end as pipe-smoking teachers in tweeds.”","author":"Vladimir Nabokov,","tags":["funny","ironic","true"]}
{"quote":"“If one million of you give assent to the one thousand who participate in the murder of a child, then one million of you are a million times guilty.”","author":"Compton Gage","tags":["books","death","education","faith","fear","funny","god","happiness","hope","humor","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","knowledge","life","life-lessons","love","motivational","philosophy","poetry","relationships","religion","romance","science","spirituality","success","truth","wisdom","writing"]}
{"quote":"“I'm going to need to save you.\"\"Excuse me? No one needs-\"\"I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“You think too much of your \"toilette\", Adele; but you may have a flower.\" I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash. She sighed a sign of ineffable satisfaction, as if her cup of happiness were now full. I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress; there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little Parisienne's earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress.”","author":"Charlotte Brontë,","tags":["amusing","funny","obsessed-with-dress","parisienne","roses"]}
{"quote":"“No crime is a means to an end. No crime can be rationalized.”","author":"Compton Gage","tags":["books","death","education","faith","fear","funny","god","happiness","hope","humor","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","knowledge","life","life-lessons","love","motivational","philosophy","poetry","relationships","religion","romance","science","spirituality","success","truth","wisdom","writing"]}
{"quote":"“LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt”","author":"Darynda Jones,","tags":["funny","raccoon","suicidal","tshirt"]}
{"quote":"“Shit\" Bug said, his face sour. \"It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof\" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - \"it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it.\"Fart.... what?”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["bug","farts","funny","nevada-baylor"]}
{"quote":"“People don't seem as annoying when I've got coffee”","author":"Tommy Cotton,","tags":["book","coffee","funny","humour"]}
{"quote":"“You're not supposed to be on the bed,\" he told the puppy. \"It's contractually prohibited.”","author":"Lisa Kleypas,","tags":["dogs","funny","historical-fiction","historical-romance","puppy-love"]}
{"quote":"“You did so, two evers.Twice the ever is, like, the obnoxiousness squared.”","author":"Emma   Mills,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“If one thousand of you participate in the murder of one child, then one thousand of you are a thousand times guilty.”","author":"Compton Gage","tags":["books","death","education","faith","fear","funny","god","happiness","hope","humor","inspiration","inspirational","inspirational-quotes","knowledge","life","life-lessons","love","motivational","philosophy","poetry","relationships","religion","romance","science","spirituality","success","truth","wisdom","writing"]}
{"quote":"“I am not pointing fingers, but rather pointing at the facts, as the facts point fingers regardless.”","author":"Nathan Hong","tags":["fact","facts","funny","funny-but-true","funny-quotes","humor","true-to-life","truth"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t think that this conversation is over.” Kat eyed the two of us.“I’ll make sure no hellion harms a hair on her head until we get the full story.” Nikki smiled.“I am never stealing fruit for the two of you ever again.” I begrudgingly replied.“Oh I really doubt that it was stolen.” Nikki beamed. “You’re just as bad as Barakiel.” “I guess he’s been bound to rub off on me some, but I am way prettier.” She spoke as I moved past her towards the door, yanking it open.”","author":"Yelena Lugin,","tags":["barakiel","funny","kat","nikki","sky"]}
{"quote":"“... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation.”","author":"Ken Follett,","tags":["funny","newspaper","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.”","author":"John Kennebrew,","tags":["comedy","funny","humor","immortality"]}
{"quote":"“This is your home,’ he said. ‘You are mistress of Finchley Park, Vanessa. You may do whatever you wish.’Her smile broadened.‘Within reason,’ he added hastily.”","author":"Mary Balogh,","tags":["funny","historical-romance","regency-romance"]}
{"quote":"“I thought you were a narcissist.\"Koppel burst into laughter.\"I'm too ugly to be a narcissist,\" he said.”","author":"Mitch Albom,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I forget sometimes I need to eat and drink now.”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny","humor","jem-carstairs","tessa-gray"]}
{"quote":"“Jesus, we forgot the goddamn ape!”","author":"Winston Groom,","tags":["funny","random"]}
{"quote":"“The Cracked Eggs, he says, have broken up.”","author":"Winston Groom,","tags":["funny","random","witty"]}
{"quote":"“The gun was lying next to the sprinkler, under a bush, about seventy-five feet - or halfway - up the steep hill. Steven had watched \"Dragnet\" on TV; he knew how guns should be handled. Picking it up very carefully by the top of the barrel, so as not to eradicate prints, Steven took the gun back to his house and showed it to his father, Bernard Weiss. The senior Weiss took one look and called LAPD. Officer Micheal Watson, on patrol in the area, responded to the radio call. More than a year later Steven would be asked to describe the incident from the witness stand: Q. \"Did you show him [Watson] the gun?\" A. \"Yes.\" Q. \"Did he touch the gun?\" A. \"Yes.\" Q. \"How did he touch it?\" A. \"With both hands, all over the gun.\" So much for \"Dragnet.”","author":"Vincent Bugliosi,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I paid, got up, walkedto the door, openedit.I heard the mansay, \"that guy'snuts.\"out on the street Iwalked northfeelingcuriouslyhonored.”","author":"Charles Bukowski,","tags":["bukowski","crazy","death","funny","honor","irony","life","mental","poem","poetry","self","soul"]}
{"quote":"“It's alright\" said a dreamy voice from beside Harry as Ron vanished into the coach's dark interior. \"You're not going mad or anything. I can see them too.\"\"Can you?\" said Harry desperately, turning to Luna. He could see the bat-winged horses reflected in her wide, silvery eyes.\"Oh yes,\" said Luna, \"I've been able to see them since my first year here. They've always pulled the carriages. Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am.\"Smiling faintly, she climbed into the musty interior of the carriage after Ron. Not altogether reassured, Harry followed her.”","author":"J.K. Rowling,","tags":["funny","harry-potter","jk-rowling","luna-lovegood","magical"]}
{"quote":"“You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.”","author":"Amit Kalantri","tags":["critic","criticism","criticize","critics","flirt","flirting","fun","funny","funny-quotes","honest","honesty","making-a-difference","people","praise","wit","witty","witty-quotations","witty-quotes"]}
{"quote":"“One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?”","author":"kelly williams brown,","tags":["adulthood","funny","responsibility","toilet-paper"]}
{"quote":"“His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to function, or viciously got themselves lost as soon as they entered the sphere of his existence.”","author":"Vladimir Nabokov,","tags":["clumsy","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I hate you.'My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really did.'I love you,' was all I could say in return.”","author":"Stephen Chbosky","tags":["charlie","funny","perks","perks-of-being-a-wallflower","wallflower"]}
{"quote":"“He shook his head in exasperation. “Are you sure you’re not a Succubus? You seem really obsessed with the sin of lust.”“It’s a good sin. I like gluttony an awful lot, too. Sloth has its moments, but I just don’t understand acedia at all. I mean, what the f**k is that anyway? Oh, and greed is good, to quote Gordon Gekko. Anger, envy and pride,” I ticked them off on my fingers. “I don’t often have much use for them. It’s a shortcoming that I’m hoping to correct in the next millennium or two. I’m not very old; I can’t be expected to have mastered them all yet.”“I think you’ve worked too hard on some of those,” he said dryly. “Maybe you should switch over to virtues instead. Give yourself a much needed break.”Virtues? Yeah, right.“Virtues are too difficult,” I told him, shaking my head. “Look how old you are and you’ve hardly made a dent in them. I’ll admit, you seem to have zeal nailed, as well as faith and temperance. Self control? I’ve got my doubts based on your recent actions. I’m not seeing the kindness, love or generosity, either. That humility thing seems to be pretty far beyond your reach, too. Really, really far. I’m sorry to tell you this, but from what I can see, the sin of pride is a major component of your character. Dude, you’re f**king old. You should have these things pretty well ticked off your shopping list by now. I’m seriously disappointed. Seriously.”","author":"Debra Dunbar,","tags":["angel","anger","demon","envy","funny","gluttony","greed","humor","lust","pride","sins","sloth","virtues"]}
{"quote":"“You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance.'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy.”","author":"Agatha Christie,","tags":["agatha-christie","faithfulness","friends","funny","humor","husband","husband-and-wife-relationship","tommy-and-tuppance"]}
{"quote":"“Werewolves never joke about age,” he said solemnly.“Why not?”Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno,” he finally admitted. “I just thought it sounded good.”","author":"Rose Wynters,","tags":["age","deep-thoughts","funny","humor","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“I don't like sleeping in the dark jungle by myself.Ren”","author":"Colleen Houck,","tags":["dark-jungle","funny","tiger"]}
{"quote":"“It's just... You sound like lorde. But like, with maple syrup.”","author":"Moriah McStay,","tags":["food","funny","laughter","light","music"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t know. We’ve kissed. It was nice.”“Nice? Nice is getting an extra shot of espresso in a latte. Nice is finding a dollar on the street. Nice is generic.”","author":"L.L. Bucknor,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can't get safer than safe.”","author":"Jonas Salk","tags":["biology","funny","health","humor","medicine","polio-vaccine","safe","science","vaccine"]}
{"quote":"“What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the side or go straight down the middle? What would be the most psychologically beneficial dump I could take?”","author":"Ransom Riggs,","tags":["funny","golan","humor","jacob","peculiar","quotes"]}
{"quote":"“You realize people like you and Trav are going to fight, right?\" America said, filing her nails as she chewed the huge wad of gum in her mouth.I turned over on the bed. \"You are officially fired. You are a terrible conscious.”","author":"Jamie McGuire,","tags":["abby-abernathy","best-friends","funny","new-adult","travis-maddox"]}
{"quote":"“While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["funny","gadfly","humor","humourous-situations","jeopardy","jingle","love","love-and-marriage","love-song","lovers","lyrics","marriage","marriage-humor","music","romance","romantic","singing","song-lyrics","songs"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop. 
”","author":"Dark Jar Tin Zoo,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you—all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn’t think so either. 
”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“I… have an unnatural fondness for him, Duchess. One might even say that I love him. As a man should love a woman, really.” “Well, I would imagine the mechanics of that would be different.”","author":"Rhys Ford,","tags":["funny","m-m-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri","tags":["classical-music","concerts","entertainers","entertainment","funny","gifted-people","humor","humorous","humour","liberace","master","mastery","music","musician","musicians","pianist","pianists","piano","show-business","showbiz","stage","stagefright","talented-people"]}
{"quote":"“...space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry.”","author":"Kevin Fong","tags":["funny","science","space"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too—a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount.
”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“One of the fundamental rights of mankind should be that of wearing as many or as few clothes as one likes inside one's own home.”","author":"Sachin Kundalkar,","tags":["clothes","funny","nude","tanay"]}
{"quote":"“How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends\/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we’re very fit and active. You know what our family’s average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.You may have noticed that I’m carrying Amy on my back. We do that a lot. At least once a day, and not just when we’re in fields like this; we do it on beaches and in urban environments as well. That’s what happens when your love is deep and playful like ours. You should also know that we also dab frosting on each other’s noses every single time we eat cupcakes, which is both mischievous and very us. Do you guys even eat cupcakes?”","author":"Colin Nissan","tags":["family","funny","humor","perfection","satire"]}
{"quote":"“I had a dream about you. We were in a canoe, and we were paddling across the desert. You said you were thirsty, and I pointed to the sand that surrounded us and said, “No, I will not urinate in your mouth.” At that point I woke up, because I realized I really had to pee—and get a drink of water.
”","author":"Dora J. Arod,","tags":["dreaming","dreams","funny","humor","life","relationships","sleep","sleeping"]}
{"quote":"“You Sure this is it?\" I said. \"It looks empty.\"\"Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there,\" worm replied”","author":"Ransom Riggs,","tags":["funny","haunted-house","hilarious"]}
{"quote":"“Beauty is a sacrifice. -MeBaby, I INVENTED scrawny! -Leo ValdezI will NEVER leave you or forsake you. -GodNo one can make you feel inferior, unless you consent. -Eleanor RooseveltBe careful, Seaweed Brain. -Annabeth Chase”","author":"Clarice Belnavis","tags":["favorites","funny","greeks","inspiration"]}
{"quote":"“I don't regret saying something,\" I said as he pulled down the street.He glanced at me.\"Well, I regret not punching him in the face.\"My lips twitched.\"Sorry. I couldn't let that happen.\"\"I'm sure I'll get another opportunity,\" He muttered, squinting out the windshield.”","author":"Jennifer L. Armentrout,","tags":["funny","jennifer-l-armentrout","punches","the-dead-list"]}
{"quote":"“I glanced over and saw Wyatt glaring at me. Journey’s “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” was playing on the radio.“What?” I asked.“You secretly hate me, don’t you.” He gestured toward the radio. “You can’t stand the thought of me taking a much needed nap and leaving you to drive without conversation. You’re torturing me with this sappy stuff.”“It’s Journey. I love this song.”Wyatt mumbled something under his breath, picked up the CD case, and started looking through it. He paused with a choked noise, his eyes growing huge.“You’re joking, Sam. Justin Bieber? What are you, a twelve-year old girl?”There’s gonna be one less lonely girl, I sang in my head. That was a great song. How could he not like that song? Still, I squirmed a bit in embarrassment.“A twelve-year old girl gave me that CD,” I lied. “For my birthday.”Wyatt snorted. “It’s a good thing you’re a terrible liar. Otherwise, I’d be horrified at the thought that a demon has been hanging out with a bunch of giggling pre-teens.”He continued to thumb through the CDs. “Air Supply Greatest Hits? No, no, I’m wrong here. It’s an Air Supply cover band in Spanish.” He waved the offending CD in my face. “Sam, what on earth are you thinking? How did you even get this thing?”“Some tenant left it behind,” I told him. “We evicted him, and there were all these CDs. Most were in Spanish, but I’ve got a Barry Manilow in there, too. That one’s in English.”Wyatt looked at me a moment, and with the fastest movement I’ve ever seen, rolled down the window and tossed the case of CDs out onto the highway. It barely hit the road before a semi plowed over it.I was pissed. “You asshole. I liked those CDs. I don’t come over to your house and trash your video games, or drive over your controllers. If you think that will make me listen to thatDubstep crap for the next two hours, then you better fucking think again.”“I’m sorry Sam, but it’s past time for a musical intervention here. You can’t keep listening to this stuff. It wasn’t even remotely good when it was popular, and it certainly hasn’t gained anything over time. You need to pull yourself together and try to expand your musical interests a bit. You’re on a downward spiral, and if you keep this up, you’ll find yourself friendless, living in a box in a back alley, stinking of your own excrement, and covered in track marks.”I looked at him in surprise. I had no idea Air Supply led to lack of bowel control and hard core drug usage. I wondered if it was something subliminal, a kind of compulsion programmed into the lyrics. Was Russell Hitchcock a sorcerer? He didn’t look that menacing to me, but sorcerers were pretty sneaky. Even so, I was sure Justin Bieber was okay. As soon as we hit a rest stop, I was ordering a replacement from my iPhone.”","author":"Debra Dunbar,","tags":["air-supply","comedy","demon","funny","jorney","justin-bieber","music","radio"]}
{"quote":"“Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.”","author":"Christoph Fischer","tags":["blanket","brick","brick-and-blanket","brick-and-blanket-test","creative","creativity","delicious","funny","gravy","hospitality","hotel","humor","serve","service","yummy"]}
{"quote":"“You named the chicken, Chicken?\" She looked embarrassed. \"When we decided not to kill it, I got attached.”","author":"Tracey Garvis-Graves,","tags":["funny","sweet"]}
{"quote":"“I’m looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” I declared.He did not respond.“It’s a book,” I said. “Not a person.”Nope. Nothing.“At the very least, can you tell me the author?”He looked at his computer, as if it had some way to speak to me without any typing on his part.“Are you wearing headphones that I can’t see?” I asked.He scratched at the inside of his elbow.“Do you know me?” I persisted. “Did I grind you to a pulp in kindergarten, and are you now getting sadistic pleasure from this petty revenge?Stephen Little, is that you? Is it? I was much younger then, and foolish to have nearly drowned you in that water fountain. In my defense, yourprior destruction of my book report was a completely unwarranted act of aggression.”Finally, a response. The information desk clerk shook his shaggy head.“No?” I said.“I am not allowed to disclose the location of Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” he explained. “Not to you. Not to anyone. And while I am not StephenLittle, you should be ashamed of what you did to him. Ashamed.”","author":"Rachel Cohn,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Stupid bitch,\" he spits, and that's when I mentally punch him in the face.Except it isn't just mentally—it's for real, my closed fist is actually moving. It hits him square in the nose with a sickening crunch.\"Oh my God,\" Laney breathes from behind me.\"Oh my God,\" Jake says from the floor.My eyes widen. \"Oh my God.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Show some respect. They were your grandparents. -BatmanJust names and dusty frames on the wall to me. -DamienI take exception to that. There is not a speck of dust collecting on those portraits. -Alfred”","author":"Peter J. Tomasi,","tags":["batman","comic-book","funny","graphic-novel","robin","superhero"]}
{"quote":"“No problem. Just drop it back off before you go,\" he says, procuring a brass key. \"And if he puts on Bowie's early stuff and starts sweet-talking, dammit, you run. You run as fast as you can.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“FatherMichael has entered the room Wildflower: Ah don’t tell me you’re through a divorce yourself Father? SureOne: Don’t be silly Wildflower, have a bit of respect! He’s here for the ceremony. Wildflower: I know that. I was just trying to lighten the atmosphere. FatherMichael: So have the loving couple arrived yet? SureOne: No but it’s customary for the bride to be late. FatherMichael: Well is the groom here? SingleSam has entered the room Wildflower: Here he is now. Hello there SingleSam. I think this is the first time ever that both the bride and groom will have to change their names. SingleSam: Hello all. Buttercup: Where’s the bride? LonelyLady: Probably fixing her makeup. Wildflower: Oh don’t be silly. No one can even see her. LonelyLady: SingleSam can see her. SureOne: She’s not doing her makeup; she’s supposed to keep the groom waiting. SingleSam: No she’s right here on the laptop beside me. She’s just having problems with her password logging in. SureOne: Doomed from the start.Divorced_1 has entered the roomWildflower: Wahoo! Here comes the bride, all dressed in . . . SingleSam: Black. Wildflower: How charming. Buttercup: She’s right to wear black. Divorced_1: What’s wrong with misery guts today? LonelyLady: She found a letter from Alex that was written 12 years ago proclaiming his love for her and she doesn’t know what to do. Divorced_1: Here’s a word of advice. Get over it, he’s married. Now let’s focus the attention on me for a change. SoOverHim has entered the room FatherMichael: OK let’s begin. We are gathered here online today to witness the marriage of SingleSam (soon to be “Sam”) and Divorced_1 (soon to be “Married_1”). SoOverHim: WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? THIS IS A MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN A DIVORCED PEOPLE CHAT ROOM?? Wildflower: Uh-oh, looks like we got ourselves a gate crasher here. Excuse me can we see your wedding invite please? Divorced_1: Ha ha.SoOverHim: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK, COMING IN HERE AND TRYING TO UPSET OTHERS WHO ARE GENUINELY TROUBLED. Buttercup: Oh we are genuinely troubled alright. And could you please STOP SHOUTING. LonelyLady: You see SoOverHim, this is where SingleSam and Divorced_1 met for the first time. SoOverHim: OH I HAVE SEEN IT ALL NOW! Buttercup: Sshh! SoOverHim: Sorry. Mind if I stick around? Divorced_1: Sure grab a pew; just don’t trip over my train. Wildflower: Ha ha. FatherMichael: OK we should get on with this; I don’t want to be late for my 2 o’clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married? LonelyLady: Yes. SureOne: I could give more than one reason.Buttercup: Hell yes. SoOverHim: DON’T DO IT! FatherMichael: Well I’m afraid this has put me in a very tricky predicament. Divorced_1: Father we are in a divorced chat room, of course they all object to marriage. Can we get on with it? FatherMichael: Certainly. Do you Sam take Penelope to be your lawful wedded wife? SingleSam: I do. FatherMichael: Do you Penelope take Sam to be your lawful wedded husband? Divorced_1: I do (yeah, yeah my name is Penelope). FatherMichael: You have already e-mailed your vows to me so by the online power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Now if the witnesses could click on the icon to the right of the screen they will find a form to type their names, addresses, and phone numbers. Once that’s filled in just e-mail it off to me. I’ll be off now. Congratulations again. FatherMichael has left the room Wildflower: Congrats Sam and Penelope! Divorced_1: Thanks girls for being here. SoOverHim: Freaks. SoOverHim has left the room”","author":"Cecelia Ahern,","tags":["funny","love","rosie"]}
{"quote":"“And even if we did, which we didn't, it's none of your business.\"\"Okay.\"\"I just wanted you to know.\"\"Okay.\"\"If you say okay one more time, I'm going to punch you in the solar plexus.\"His eyebrows jump. \"The solar plexus, huh?\"\"Yes,\" I say. \"I'm not exactly sure where that is, but I will find out. And then I will punch you there. Hard.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.”","author":"Todd Stocker,","tags":["calendar","funny","time-management","to-do-list"]}
{"quote":"“I know it’s technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist\/elitist\/sexist\/generally bad ist.Goodwill shouldn’t be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I’d evenextend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, thosesupposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they’re in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we’re already being so generous in ourbig group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu”","author":"Rachel Cohn,","tags":["funny","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“Now I really feel sorry for her. Your hand is as bad as Rob’s paddle,” Cassie shuddered.“Thank you.”“I didn’t mean it as a compliment!”","author":"Breanna Hayse,","tags":["bdsm","bdsm-daddy","erotic-romance","funny","kinky","spanking"]}
{"quote":"“Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?”","author":"Félix J. Palma,","tags":["ambition","boredom","child-labor","excitement","funny","humorous","war"]}
{"quote":"“There is a funny story I always tell my students...when I came for the first time to the US. I didn’t speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word “exit” which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :”No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they take leads to success” ~smile :)”","author":"Pablo","tags":["exito","funny","humor","opportunity","success"]}
{"quote":"“Seth turns to Laney and I. \"Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me, I go flying into another, next thing I know I'm on the ground with a Taser in my back. I get thrown in city jail, no money and one phone call. So I call Jake. You know what this fucker did? He dropped everything, drove up and bailed me out, no questions.\"\"Like I could just leave you,\" Jake says. \"You're too pretty. You're a delicate flower. They would've ripped you apart in there.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.“Dashiell?” my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother’s apartment.“Yes, Father?”“Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.”“Thank you, Father. And to you, as well.”[awkward pause][even more awkward pause]“I hope your mother isn’t giving you any trouble.”Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.“She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I’ll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.”“It’s Christmas, Dashiell. Can’t you give that attitude a rest?”“Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.”“What presents?”“I’m sorry—those were all from Mom, weren’t they?”“Dashiell …”“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on ”","author":"Rachel Cohn","tags":["funny","sad"]}
{"quote":"“It was like watching an angsty hormone-fueled train wreck and firmly cemented my resolve to be at least twenty-five before I considered getting hitched.”","author":"Stacey Jay,","tags":["engaged-underage","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You’re not going to campus. You’re going out to get drunk and play with other ladies’ boobies.” - Kye”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["fantasy","funny","humor","paranormal","paranormal-romance","shifters","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“We should go swimming,\" Anna says, out of the blue. (...)Danny looks at her like she just suggested knocking over the closest liquor store. Which wouldn't be such a bad idea, on second thought, considering how fast Laney, Seth and Anna are working through the tequila bottle. \"Uh sure, if catching pneumonia's your idea of a fun time. I don't want to freeze my balls off. I'm rather attached to them. Literally and figuratively.”","author":"Hannah Harrington,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd had this revelation while eating a donut, and it that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was.”","author":"Doug Dorst,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!”","author":"Diane Ackerman,","tags":["funny","humor","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.”","author":"Elizabeth Inchbald,","tags":["funny","humorous","lying"]}
{"quote":"“There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.”","author":"Félix J. Palma,","tags":["description","funny","humorous","writing"]}
{"quote":"“So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves? Stop mewhen I’m warm.” - Shella”","author":"Krista Alasti,","tags":["funny","humor","paranormal","paranormal-romance","shifters","urban-fantasy","werewolves"]}
{"quote":"“Principal Totty was one of those people who frown while they’re speaking, and then smile at the end of each sentence. It was weird. It was like there were two different people inside her brain.”","author":"Ferguson Fartworthy,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Like some huge, mutant chicken–I sat there hatching a gas-egg the size of a planet.”","author":"Ferguson Fartworthy,","tags":["boys-humor","funny","funny-words"]}
{"quote":"“Amy Bellini and Sasha Tibbles traipsed down the aisle and wriggled into the back seat, Amy right next to me. Her damp brown hair flicked in my face as she turned to make herself more comfortable. I didn’t mind. I wouldn’t admit this to ANYONE, but I think she’s not quite as weird as the rest of the girls.”","author":"Ferguson Fartworthy,","tags":["boys-humor","funny","funny-words"]}
{"quote":"“It's delicious,’ he announces, chewing my sandwich. 'I would like to stay here forever and die with you in my arms.' 'I don't know. I think it's too cold for forever,' I say, smiling.”","author":"Joanna Mazurkiewicz","tags":["cute","date","funny","romantic"]}
{"quote":"“If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler”","author":"Benny Bellamacina,","tags":["english","funny","humor","humour","philosophical","pub-talk","wit"]}
{"quote":"“So his flunkies are what, pirates?”","author":"Susie M. Hanley,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud”","author":"Annoying Orange","tags":["funny","humour","laughter"]}
{"quote":"“Uh- you shouldn't mock orange if I were you - Why not?*everyone sings* He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you*orange starts singing*Hey buddy bannanaYou live in a habanayou small like a cabanabut sdon't worry it's gonna be great somedayReally?Orange: Nope..Not really*Everyone sings*He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you.”","author":"Annoying Orange","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Holly's forgiven you?\" \"Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge,\" he said, puffing out his chest. \"Sick? You told me she was fully immortal.\" \"Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up.\" \"You're going to be a father?\" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? \"I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider.”","author":"Kresley Cole,","tags":["cade","funny","holly-s-pregnancy","kresley-cole","rydstrom"]}
{"quote":"“Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["bad","bad-company","bad-influence","catholic","catholic-author","christian","drugs","evil","evil-people","evil-thoughts","funny","gadfly","humor","humour","influence","influences","nicotine","sad-but-true","sticky-situations"]}
{"quote":"“Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full of wine and a woman's mouth around my cock.”","author":"Geogre R.R. Martin","tags":["funny","game-of-thrones","geogre-r-r-martin"]}
{"quote":"“The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. \"Ryan,\" he said, \"stop leaning on my car.”","author":"Derek Landy,","tags":["funny","pleasant","skulduggery"]}
{"quote":"“jace's clothes had been clean,stylish,ordinary. Sebastian had been wearing a long black wool trench coat that had looked expensive. Like an evil Burbeery ad, Simon said when she was done.”","author":"Cassandra Claire","tags":["funny","simon"]}
{"quote":"“Ah college years, those were the days. Pure freedom ... leaving home for the first time…the parties…”\"What about the tutorials, the lectures, the large building with all the books called the ‘library’?”“Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["books","college","colleges","funny","humor","humour","humourous","leaving-home","libraries","library","party","partying","student-days","students","studying","university","university-of-life"]}
{"quote":"“You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you?\" I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods.He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of my skirt. \"Aye.\"Aye? Seriously? Could he be any hotter?Unless he had been looking for his girlfriend at the party.Not hot.\"I was supposed to meet my cousin,\" he elaborated, \"but I didn't find her,\"Hot again.”","author":"Alyxandra Harvey,","tags":["funny","jo","lol","rock-guy","stolen-away"]}
{"quote":"“Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u...”","author":"Stephan","tags":["funny","random","silly"]}
{"quote":"“An hour later, a nameless, cold-faced man returned with a tray of fresh pasta, warm bread, and a few bags of brand new comfort clothes: yoga pants, tees, a few sports bras, and...pink thong underwear? Well, of course. Wouldn't want to be held prisoner and have panty lines.”","author":"Mimi Jean Pamfiloff,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I know what party you’re talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you’re going to be there in a costume.” He winked and leaned back in his seat.“I’m going as a homeless person.”“Sexy.”","author":"Chanelle Gray,","tags":["banter","funny","humor","romance"]}
{"quote":"“We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. \"You slobbered on my nose,\" she said, and laughed.”","author":"John Green","tags":["funny","kissing","love"]}
{"quote":"“Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?” asked a gray female pup. “Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he’s scared of the raghnaid?”","author":"Kathryn Lasky,","tags":["bears","funny","motherhood","wolves"]}
{"quote":"“Llamas can drive... they just don't know it yet...”","author":"Llama Queen","tags":["drive","funny","know","llama","llama-queen","llamas","queen"]}
{"quote":"“Mira, I'm about to be naked,\" Blue said as he whipped off his belt and tossed it on the floor. \"So watch out. Well, in my underwear.\"\"I've seen you in your bathing suit,\" Mira said. \"It's the same thing.\"\"It is not the same thing,\" Blue said. \"When it's accompanied by seventies porn music, it's an X-rated strip show.\" Blue yanked off his shirt. \"Freddie, you're kind of slow on the uptake. Eine kleine porn music, please.”","author":"Sarah Cross,","tags":["blue","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. \"Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.”","author":"Kristina McBride,","tags":["death","funny","grief","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I’ve seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it,” Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency?”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","artwork","da-vinci","funny","gadfly","george-washington","humor","masterpiece","mona-lisa","money","mystery","portrait","presidents","sad-but-true","sarcastic-quotes","ugly-art"]}
{"quote":"“Dont talk to the crazy kids. I longed to shout back that we weren't crazy. I'd mistaken her kid for a ghost, that's all.”","author":"Kelley Armstrong","tags":["funny","ghost","the-summoning"]}
{"quote":"“I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.”","author":"Kinky Friedman","tags":["detective-novels","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That's like fate, but much more dramatic.”","author":"Robin Palmer,","tags":["fate","funny","kismet"]}
{"quote":"“... there was one new metallic monstrosity stacked in one corner that she hadn’t seen the last time she was a visitor to his strange chamber, it appeared to be a mass of hard drives all fused together, but they looked too sophisticated to be merely hard drives.“What on earth is that?” “That’s my Kung Fu,” he said proudly, patting the top of the futuristic-looking stack.“Is that what you wanted to show me?”“No, but it’s impressive, isn’t it?”“If you say so.”Steves sighed and shook his head, so few people could appreciate the intellectual complexity of an almost untraceable hacking device.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["computer-hackers","computers","funny","geek","geek-humor","humor","humour","machines","nerd","nerd-humor","science"]}
{"quote":"“It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry.”","author":"David Baldacci,","tags":["books","divine","funny","miracle","shaw","truth","whole"]}
{"quote":"“We'll never find that one, and I'll be blamed,\" announced Edd Tollett, the dour grey-haired squire everyone called Dolorous Edd. \"Nothing ever goes missing that they don't look at me, ever since that time I lost my horse. As if that could be helped. He was white and it was snowing, what did they expected”","author":"George R.R. Martin","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["arts-and-humanities","dinner","finale","finales","food","funny","humor","humorous","humour","late-night-supper","late-nights","life","life-and-death","music","opera","opera-singers","operas","prima-donna","singers","singing","supper","theater","theatre","theatre-of-the-absurd","when-plans-go-wrong"]}
{"quote":"“All trademarks, company names, registered names, products, characters, mottos, logos, jingles and catchphrases used or cited in this work are the property of their respective owners and have only been mentioned and or used as cultural references to enhance the narrative and in no way were used to disparage or harm the owners and their companies. It is the author's sincerest wish the owners of the cited trademarks, company names, etc. appreciate the success they have achieved in making their products household names and appreciate the free plug.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["authors","company-names","copyright","creative-process","culture","culture-identity","culture-making","disclaimer","free-advertising","free-plug","funny","gadfly","household-name","humor","humour","jingle","logo","logos","mottos","trademarks","writing"]}
{"quote":"“She grinned, looking for all the world like a sticky-mouthed little girl who had just convinced her gullible mother that she really did drop the first piece of candy into the storm drain and would need another.”","author":"Wendy Corsi Staub,","tags":["candy","child","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Se trata del proceso de separación de los Dundas [...]. El marido era abstemio, no existía otra mujer, y el comportamiento del que se quejaba la esposa consistía en que el marido había adquirido la costumbre de rematar todas sus comidas quitándose la dentadura postiza y arrojándosela a su esposa, lo cual, estará usted de acuerdo, no es la clase de acto que se le suele ocurrir a un novelista corriente.”","author":"Arthur Conan Doyle,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Sir Henry fixed him with a keen eye.'Odd name, Tom Skatt - eh?''Thats right''You don't think we could be related?'Tom looked up at his great-great-great-uncle and smiled.'I don't think so''No,' grinned Sir Henry \"no, of course not”","author":"Henry Chancellor,","tags":["adventure","funny","good","secrets","time","travel"]}
{"quote":"“What's the matter, fairy boy? Pissed because Chrys rather kiss me?\" - Essence (Nymphs of Macedonia Trilogy #1)”","author":"Racheal McGillivary","tags":["essence","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I never hear about dear Mike. I wrote Ellen Greene and asked about him and she replyed and never mentioned Mike but told me all about her roomatism. As if I cared about her roomatism.”","author":"Emily of New Moon","tags":["cat","emily-of-new-moon","funny","mike"]}
{"quote":"“I love Mormon boys!”","author":"Hailey Larsen","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” - Simon Hunt”","author":"Dannika Dark,","tags":["balls","careful","dannika-dark","funny","humor","mageri","mistress","paranormal","self-doubt","shag"]}
{"quote":"“The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs.\"\"You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?\"\"Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["addict","audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","ilona-andrews","kaldar","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.”","author":"Stephen Colbert,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone her age to do such a thing.”","author":"Abby Slovin,","tags":["autumn","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin”","author":"Bill Watterson,","tags":["bill-watterson","calvin","calvin-and-hobbes","funny","song"]}
{"quote":"“Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. \"THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. Fun night. Oh yes.\"Guess what?\" She leaned closer. \"You will never be that man.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","fun","funny","ilona-andrews","kaldar","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“I may not always be right, but when I am, I admit it”","author":"Ken Murray","tags":["advice","funny"]}
{"quote":"“And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot.\"She raised her hand. \"Don't.\"\"It was awesome,\" George confirmed. \"It really was,\" Jack said. \"His head exploded.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["audrey","fate-s-edge","funny","george","ilona-andrew","jack","kaldar","shot","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“Parker, I'm old,\" She said matter-of-factly. \"I get away with these things.\" She continued to wave and smile wildly. \"People treat me like an idiot so I'm allowed to act like one from time to time. It's one of the perks.”","author":"Abby Slovin,","tags":["funny","humor","old-age"]}
{"quote":"“Look, if I were straight, you'd be grandparents before your time. You should be relieved that I'm gay. Aren't you grateful?”","author":"Hayden Thorne,","tags":["funny","gay","young-adult"]}
{"quote":"“Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it.Now that was an interesting thought. Heh.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["fate-s-edge","funny","ilona-andrews","kaldar","the-edge","tongue"]}
{"quote":"“Fuck You!' [Oskar said] 'Exuse me!' [His mom said] 'Sorry. I mean, screw you.' 'You need a time-out!' 'I need a mausoleum!”","author":"Jonathan Safran Foer,","tags":["funny","jonathan-safran-foer","oskar-schell","sad"]}
{"quote":"“A forest,\" William said, his expression distant. \"Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers.\"\"Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?\"\"No.\"\"She doesn't like poetry?\"\"Leave it.\"Hehe. \"Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["bayou-moon","cerise","funny","ilona-andrews","the-edge","william"]}
{"quote":"“She put her hand on her hip. \"Where are you going?\"\"To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool.\"Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["bayou-moon","cerise","funny","ilona-andrews","lord-bill","the-edge","william"]}
{"quote":"“If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place.”","author":"Aviva Moore","tags":["funny","humor","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“We losers don't fear death. For us it's the end of a lifelong losing spell.”","author":"Dakota Dawn","tags":["funny","life","truth","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“I know what you mean. I usually take it out on my older sister. You can lease her for a weekend or something if you need a psychological punching bag. I'll even give you a discount.”","author":"Hayden Thorne,","tags":["funny","siblings"]}
{"quote":"“An evil spark flared in his eyes. \"Trade: raccoon for some answers.”","author":"Ilona Andrews,","tags":["fate-s-edge","funny","ilona-andrews","kaldar","raccoon","the-edge"]}
{"quote":"“I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["art","artists","artsy","being-practical","cooking","creativity","food","funny","gadfly","humor","humour","keep-your-feet-on-the-ground","meat","oven","philosophical","philosophy","philosophy-of-life","practicality"]}
{"quote":"“Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.”","author":"A.G. Phillips","tags":["conflict","funny","humor","peace","peas","quote","random"]}
{"quote":"“Excuse me,” she said, her voice tight. “But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!”","author":"Tara Janzen,","tags":["funny","humour","romance","romantic-suspense"]}
{"quote":"“Rina’s always claimed that I expect too little from life,” Standard said.“Then at least you’ll never be disappointed.”","author":"James Sallis,","tags":["drive","funny","james","quote","sallis"]}
{"quote":"“An understanding washed over Darren. You plan on me running.”“For many, many years.” The crooked smile on Trent’s mouth sent a shiver throughout my body. He was utterly dangerous when he wanted to be.”","author":"Elizabeth J. Kolodziej,","tags":["funny","the-last-which-series","vampires","vampyre-kisses","werewolf","witches"]}
{"quote":"“What is that?\" Dad said, looking at the doll.\"It’s called the Scream,\" I said.\"I know that, but what us it?” Dad said.“Maybe she sleeps with it,” I said to Dad as he tucked it under his arm.“Then no wonder it’s screaming,” he said.”","author":"Douglas Rees,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“I'm sorry I have issues with my boyfriend doing other men. I'm sorry I have issues with me doing other men. Why was I always being made to feel guilty because I wasn't having sex with more people? Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?”","author":"Laurell K. Hamilton","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Мелкий весенний дождь призрачной изморосью долбил Москву.”","author":"Вадим Панов,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Читать же не любил, последнюю книгу осилил примерно сто тридцать два года назад и помнил только то, что она помогала ему засыпать.”","author":"Вадим Панов,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["animals","bloodsuckers","dates","dogs","exterminators","fleas","funny","humor","humour","pass-the-fleas-please","pests","pets","puppies","romance","romance-gone-wrong","romantic-evening","weird"]}
{"quote":"“−Oh, Dios mío. Asher. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Date la vuelta. Es muy guapo, Campbell. ¿Estás montándotelo con mi nieta?−No, señora.−Bueno, pues tienes mi permiso para hacerlo.”","author":"Wendy Wunder,","tags":["funny","love"]}
{"quote":"“Her brother really was devastatingly handsome in a disheveled, wise-ass sort of way. Females followed him around like he was the Pied Piper of sex. Sydney constantly cautioned him about his choice in women and using protection. After all, he came from wealth. That made him ripe pickings to be some money hungry girl's sugar daddy. Especially since he went through those women like toilet paper.”","author":"Jenny Lyn,","tags":["book-snippets","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, \"Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!\" or \"Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["atheism","funny","humour","religion"]}
{"quote":"“Gay sex, one. Straight sex, zero”","author":"Dani Alexander,","tags":["funny","m-m","mystery","ofy","romance"]}
{"quote":"“Wedded she some years, and to a manOf fifty, and such husbands are in plenty;And yet, I think, instead of such a ONE'Twere better to have TWO of five and twenty...”","author":"Lord Byron,","tags":["funny","truth"]}
{"quote":"“Not one word about proposals, no matter how much she pushes,” I told my friends. “No matter what she says or how loud she cries, don’t try to throw that up as a distraction.”Gabriel’s lips twitched. “I don’t think it’s going to be that bad. It’s one woman against five supernatural creatures... And Zeb.”“You laugh because you haven’t heard my mother’s thirty-minute verbal dissertation on appropriate seasonal flower choices. We’re better off letting her yell at us for being dirty, premarital fornicators.”","author":"Molly Harper,","tags":["funny","gabriel","jane-jamison","molly-harper","vampire"]}
{"quote":"“Quirky, funny, happy-go-lucky dead inside Dexter. No longer Dexter with the knife, Dexter the Avenger. Not until next time.”","author":"Jeff Lindsay,","tags":["funny","next-time","quirky"]}
{"quote":"“Olgun! Wake up!\"Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous andvaguely drowsy protest.\"Sure you weren't, she needled at him. You were justpracticing snoring, so you'd be sure to get it right later on,yes?\"Olgun's response very strongly resembled an indignantsnort.”","author":"Ari Marmell","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane 'I see here that another octogenarian has just died. What is an Octogenarian, Peter?' And Mr. Sloane said he didn't know, but they must be very sickly creatures, for you never heard tell of them but they were dying.”","author":"L. M. Montgomery,","tags":["anecdote","dying","funny","octogenarian"]}
{"quote":"“I just don't know what I'd do without a brain, Simone!\" I say. \"I mean, what's a person without one?”","author":"Randa Abdel-Fattah,","tags":["brainless","brains","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy use Monty. For Tuesday, please use Toes. For Wednesday, please use Wetty. For Thursday, please use Thurby. For Friday, please use Fribs. For Saturday, please use Satto-gatto.”","author":"Mark Dunn,","tags":["days-of-the-week","funny","words"]}
{"quote":"“Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey”","author":"Amunhotep El Bey,","tags":["comedy","funny","humorous-quotations","inspirational-quotations","lol","motivational-quotations"]}
{"quote":"“Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.\" ~ Amunhotep El Bey”","author":"Amunhotep El Bey,","tags":["comedy","funny","funny-quotes","philosophical-quotations","philosophy","quote","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true that she had married Bob Duport. She nodded; not exactly conveying, it seemed to me, that by some happy chance their union had introduced her to an unexpected terrestrial paradise.”","author":"Anthony Powell,","tags":["funny","marriage","sardonic"]}
{"quote":"“Good plan,\" Freddy was saying. \"Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.”","author":"Ali Sparkes,","tags":["crude","frozen","funny","humor","time"]}
{"quote":"“Wanna see the rest of my happy place?”","author":"Dia Reeves,","tags":["fancy","funny","slice-of-cherry"]}
{"quote":"“If she did not wish to lead a virtuous life, at least she desired to enjoy a character for virtue, and we know that no lady in the genteel world can possess this desideratum, until she has put on a train and feathers and has been presented to her Sovereign at Court. From that august interview they come out stamped as honest women. The Lord Chamberlain gives them a certificate of virtue.”","author":"William Makepeace Thackeray,","tags":["funny","satire","social-commentary","vanity-fair","virtue","william-makepeace-thackeray"]}
{"quote":"“Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked where his fridge was. She didn't tell me what his reply was, and we can only hazard a guess, but I was impressed that he had been prepared to stay the night. It is surely a brave man who goes ahead and checks into an establishment where the first question is 'Where's your fridge?'. Especially if, as he had done, you had arrived by motorcycle.”","author":"Tony Hawks,","tags":["funny","humorous"]}
{"quote":"“Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to make it exciting, like Code Name: Cursive or Mission: State Capitals.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Polly Esther Doe was born at 8:03 a.m. on August 14.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny","name","polyester"]}
{"quote":"“Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny","name","play-doh"]}
{"quote":"“SMS love Esfahani : ege gonjish peridan yadesh bered . ege shirin farhad yadesh bered . ege mahi darya yadesh bered . man puli in ye smsa ke be shuma dadama yadam nimired !!!!”","author":"m-r","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won't pull over. He slams the horn.\"Arthur,\" I say.The car doesn't yield.\"Arthur,\" I say.He hits the horn again, still close on the car's bummper.\"Arthur, our turn was back there.”","author":"Peter Canning","tags":["emergency","ems","funny","humor","medical"]}
{"quote":"“It sounds like you aren't used to having something so powerful between your legs,\" Abbey said. \"Maybe you should let me drive.”","author":"Shawn Keenan,","tags":["abbey","funny","kip","mechomare"]}
{"quote":"“You're going to be too busy being at my beck and call to worry about doing any driving.”","author":"Shawn Keenan,","tags":["abbey","funny","kip","sexist"]}
{"quote":"“I can't believe this heat,\" Abbey said, taking her tunic and pulling it over her head. Underneath was a form-fitting top that showed a figure unaccustomed to idleness or excess. Kip stared at her the way he had at the shiney curves of the steel horse back in the garage. \"Can you imagine what it must have been like hundreds of years ago, when weather changed just a few times a year?\" she said, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. \"Yeah, it must have looked great,\" Kip said. \"What do you mean looked great?\" Abbey said, turning her eye on Kip. \"Must have been great, like you said,\" he corrected.”","author":"Shawn Keenan,","tags":["abbey","funny","heat","kip","pervert"]}
{"quote":"“Don't mind her,\" Kip said to Nicki. \"She's just crabby from the long ride.\" \"Yeah, I've been riding with...I mean on...a horse's ass all day,\" Abbey quipped.”","author":"Shawn Keenan,","tags":["abbey","funny","kip"]}
{"quote":"“I can see her weighing her response, concentrating like a cliff diver studying the ebb and flow of the tide.\"Um, well... could you at least give me an idea?\"\"Two weeks give or take a week or two.”","author":"Greg Logsted","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“That doesn't upset too many people, but the fact that accessibility restrictions don't enter into the picture has caused more than one otherwise pacifistic soul to contemplate distinctly unpacifistic actions.”","author":"Scott Meyers,","tags":["computer","funny","nerdy","programming"]}
{"quote":"“There's a little bit of magic in every box!”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["cereal","funny","magic"]}
{"quote":"“In one of his puckish moods Saul talked the president of a university into letting him anonymously take an examination being administered to candidates for a doctorate in community organization. \"Three of the questions were on the philosophy of and motivations of Saul Alinsky,\" writes Saul. \"I answered two of them incorrectly.”","author":"Nicholas von Hoffman,","tags":["alinsky","community","funny","organization","political","radical"]}
{"quote":"“Of course Will was right again. But I realized clearly for the first time how desperate our plight was. It has been foolish to think we could rescue Kai. Now, wherever he is, it couldn't be worse than being held captive by pirates. Even cannibals were more trustworthy.”","author":"Cameron Stracher,","tags":["funny","interesting","true"]}
{"quote":"“My lord, the queen would speak with you, and presently.HAMLET Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?POLONIUS By th'mass, and 'tis like a camel indeed.HAMLET Methinks it is like a weasel.POLONIUS It is backed like a weasel.HAMLET Or like a whale?POLONIUS Very like a whale.HAMLET Then I will come to my mother by and by. - They fool me to the top of my bent. - I will come by and by.”","author":"William Shakespeare","tags":["funny","hamlet","idiot","mad"]}
{"quote":"“Tell me about yourself, Miss Russell.\"I started to give him the obligatory response, first the demurral and then the reluctant flat autobiography, but some slight air of polite inattention in his manner stopped me. Instead, I found myself grinning at him.\"Why don't you tell me about myself, Mr. Holmes?”","author":"Laurie R. King,","tags":["funny","inspirational","laurie-r-king","mary-russell","sherlock-holmes","the-beekeeper-s-apprentice"]}
{"quote":"“Why is she afraid?\" he asked. \"She's not Anjin-san. Just a little nervous. Please excuse her. She's never seen a foreigner close to before.\" \"Tell her when the moon's full, barbarians sprout horns and fire comes out of our mouths like dragons.”","author":"James Clavell,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Besides, do you think you would have come if I’d just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing andsaid, ‘Hello, I’m the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me outwith a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish?”","author":"Richard Kadrey,","tags":["funny","lucifer"]}
{"quote":"“The fewer moving parts, the better.\" \"Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.”","author":"Christian Cantrell,","tags":["engineering","funny","humor","mechanical"]}
{"quote":"“Forgive me, madam,\" he said lightly, amused, \"but waiting to make love to you again is straining my nerves.\" She scoffed but she was quite shaken; he could see it in her expression, in the way she nervously toyed with the buttons on her pelisse.\"How awfully presumptuous of you to think I'd let you.\"\"You will,\" he insisted soothingly.She gaped at him.\"Please continue,\" he urged. \"I'm aching to hear the rest.\"\"You're as arrogant as usual.\"\"You missed it, though.\"\"I absolutely did not,\" she asserted.He grinned. \"You missed my arrogance almost as much as I missed your impudence, little one.\"\"That's absurd.\"\"I love you, Caroline,\" he softly, quickly replied, catching her off guard with such tenderness. \"Move on before I decide I'm finished with this conversation, rip off your clothes, and show you how much.”","author":"Adele Ashworth,","tags":["argument","arrogance","funny","love","sexual-tension"]}
{"quote":"“Jose: Do not drop me senorJeff:i wont drop you,joseJose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floorPeanut:do a little tap dance and we got salsa!Jeff:Thats terrible!Peanut:not with the right chips its notJeff:stop it! im sorry josejose:its okayjeff: okayJose:ill kick his ass laterpeanut:i'll turn ur ass into guacamolejeff: stop it!peanut: i will stir u with ur own stick!jeff:stop it!peanut: this is the way we stir the guac stir the guac stir the guac. OLE!!”","author":"Jeff Dunham","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“When the world began, there were no such things as monsters. Demons were just fallen angels who, booted out of Heaven and bored with Hell, wandered the Earth sticking little girls’ pigtails in inkwells and sinking the occasional continent.”","author":"Richard Kadrey,","tags":["demons","funny"]}
{"quote":"“You thought I didn’t notice the way you two looked at each other? I may be old but I’m not blind. I remember thatfeeling. The spark, the electricity... ”I had to interject before I got the unabridged version of Anjali Does Mumbai.”","author":"Nicola Marsh,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humor","romance-funny","romance-novel"]}
{"quote":"“There are few things more mysterious than endings. I mean, for example, when did the Greek gods end, exactly? Was there a day when Zeus waved magisterially down from Olympus and Aphrodite and her lover Ares, and her crippled husband Hephaestus ) I always felt sorry for him), and all the rest got rolled up like a worn-out carpet?”","author":"Salley Vickers","tags":["aphrodite-s-hat","era","funny","gods","greek","irony","love-affair","romantic","time"]}
{"quote":"“I think guns are just a symbolic substitute for male genitalia, and I’m okay in that respect.” “Fine. If they get in the house, you can whack them with your genitals.”","author":"J.A. Konrath,","tags":["funny","genitalia","guns"]}
{"quote":"“Good cops make their bosses look good, and Hector was a one-man beauty school.”","author":"Edward Conlon,","tags":["bosses","cops","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I tried to picture a bunch of guys in blue suits running around a beachside neighborhood, knocking on doors and flashing Fed creds. That should cause a stampede of illegal aliens heading south.”","author":"Nelson DeMille,","tags":["funny","witty"]}
{"quote":"“Когато обясняваш даден образ на истински актьор или актриса, често са достатъчни само една дума или фраза: \"Това е фалстафовски тип\" или \"Това е една модерна мадам Бовари\". Разправят, че Джед Харис веднъж казал на една актриса: \"Този образ притежава подвижността на черно лале, което се поклаща от вятъра.\" Това е вече прекалено.”","author":"Charlie Chaplin,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Oh here's a nice one, he brown recluse spider. This once resides in wooded areas. In other words, next to my head while I'm sleeping. ' In a small number of cases, a bite from a brown recluse can produce organ damage with occasional fatalities.' \"\"That's the worst-case scenario. how can it be? It's called a 'recluse'\"\"It's been my experience that all recluses have a mean streak.”","author":"Yvonne Prinz,","tags":["funny","mothers-and-daughters","spiders"]}
{"quote":"“In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it).”","author":"Mark Twain,","tags":["funny","humorist"]}
{"quote":"“Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life than your mom, andsuddenly, the dog-ugliest creep looked like Jake Gyllenhaal.”","author":"Nicola Marsh,","tags":["contemporary-romance","funny","humor","romance","romance-funny","romance-novel"]}
{"quote":"“Snake pulled out the digital camera and decided to play a joke on Otacon. He snapped a picture of the pinup, muttered, \"Good,\" and closed the door.”","author":"Raymond Benson,","tags":["funny","otacon","picture","pinup","snake"]}
{"quote":"“How in the world do you tellyour wife that her mother was born a unicon?”","author":"Bruce Coville","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nona I don't think your allowed to smoke in here.Nona exhaled a large cloud of smoke.Nona keeps their lights on. A little smoke won't hurt them.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny","life","love"]}
{"quote":"“...so much has been laid on the sunset—heavy-handed metaphors, sentimental music. Everyone’s always walking into them, and that is some very intense light. Maybe that’s where the term “love is blind” comes from, because so many people are walking into sunsets, burning out their corneas.”","author":"Kirk Farber,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Still, the painful death of that unicorn had been satisfying to watch”","author":"Bruce Coville,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I overheard Nona talking about my little buds and how she remembered back when she was developing into a woman, and that was enough for me.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["embarassing","funny","girls"]}
{"quote":"“Well, just get used to it, because you're a long ways away from Kansas, my dear. She actually started singing \"The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow\" as she traipsed to the counter.”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Let’s put to rest one cliché. You can sell refrigerators to Eskimos. The people of Savoonga are Yupiks, the westernmost of the Eskimo tribes, closer to Siberians than American Eskimos in their appearance, and their customs, and their distinctive, liquidly sibilant native language. And, yes, they all have refrigerators. In the winter, food gets freezer burn if left out in the elements. Eskimos need refrigerators to keep their food warm.”","author":"Gene Weingarten,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What's your name, son?' Sam said. The man looked to be about Sam's age, but Sam always thought calling people 'son' immediately gave the air of imperial authority and opened the door for spanking if need be.”","author":"Tod Goldberg,","tags":["burn-notice","comedy","funny","spy"]}
{"quote":"“The Evil Enchanter appeared in a cloud of smoke. He waved his arms to fan away the fumes, and when he quit coughing, he said, \"You've come to rescue no one. Now that you're here, you shall marry me.\" He waved his arms once, and a priest appeared in a cloud of smoke. After everyone quit coughing, he turned to the priest and said, \"Marry me!\"The priest said, \"But I don't know you.\"\"No, no, no!\" said the Evil Enchanter. \"Marry me to the princess!\"\"Oh,\" said the priest. \"That's different.”","author":"Michael Stearns,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“You know, Hope is also rather interesting, there's just not two of her, Dad teased Nona”","author":"Holly Hood,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning.\"\"Wait, what?\" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? \"So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?Can I travel through time now?”","author":"Elizabeth Sharp,","tags":["funny","humor","humour"]}
{"quote":"“Looking up at Max he asked, “Do you recommend anything?” He kept his eyes low and to the table, trying but failing to keep his eyes open against the bright sun light.“You okay?” Max asked, watching as Landon struggled to meet her eyes.“I’m trying not to look at you,” he replied.“I’m sorry, what?”“I mean I’m trying not to hurt my eyes.”Max crossed her arms over her chest and raised a wicked brow. Landon shielded the sun with his hand and finally made eye contact with her. “That came out wrong,” he said apologetically. “It sure did,” she said with a chuckle.”","author":"Shawn Kirsten Maravel,","tags":["funny","the-wanderer"]}
{"quote":"“[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.”","author":"Sherman Alexie,","tags":["baby","dark-humor","funny","irony","misguided-protest","protest","seals"]}
{"quote":"“I’m waiting with baited breath to hear that silver tongue of yours.”","author":"Jodie B. Cooper,","tags":["funny","paranormal-romance","quote","romance","sídhí","young-adult-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Approaching the forest from the west was no army, but a delegation of Grailsundanian master surgeons on their way to an appendix conference . . . But that isn't the craziest part of the story - oh, no, my boy, for approaching from the east was a party of itinerant watchmakers bound for the pocket-watch fair at Wimbleton . . . But not even that is the craziest part of the story! For apporaching from the south were over a hundred armourers and locksmiths on their way to Florinth, where some power-hungry prince had commissioned them to build a monstrous war machine . . . Well, that would be enough crazy coincedences for an averagely crazy story but the battle of Nurn Forest involved the most improbable coincedences in the history of Zamonia. For entering the forest, this time from the north came a delegation of alchemists.”","author":"Walter Moers,","tags":["alchemists","armourers","coincedence","funny","improbable","locksmiths","surgeons","watchmakers"]}
{"quote":"“...Come on let’s see the degree.” Katherine unrolled her scroll displaying a long declaration in Latin affixed with a red seal proclaiming her a Master of Art. “Imagine working for years to obtain a piece of paper we can hardly read ” Katherine joked. “And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.”","author":"E.A. Bucchianeri,","tags":["college","college-degree","credentials","degree","funny","gadfly","humor","humour","qualifications","sad-but-true","satire","talent","talents","universities","university","university-of-life"]}
{"quote":"“I should mention, by the way, that LVR stands for Luminal Velocity Regulator. I suppose it could also stand for Large Venezeulan Rats, but in this case it does not.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny","lvr","rats","venezeula"]}
{"quote":"“All serious poker players try to minimize their tells, obviously. There are a couple ways to go about this. One is the robotic approch: where your face becomes a mask and your voice a monotone, at least while the hand is being played. . . . The other is the manic method, where you affect a whole bunch of tics, twitches, and expressions, and mix them up with a river of insane babble. The idea is to overwhelm your opponents with clues, so they can't sort out what's going on. This approach can be effective, but for normal people it's hard to pull off. (If you've spent part of your life in an institution, this method may come naturally.)”","author":"Dan Harrington,","tags":["funny","gambling","manic","poker","tells"]}
{"quote":"“He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas”","author":"Christina Dodd,","tags":["christina-dodd","funny","scottish"]}
{"quote":"“Alvin smiled back, and kissed her. \"People talk about fools counting chickens before they hatch. That's nothing. We name them.”","author":"Orson Scott Card,","tags":["chickens","counting","fools","funny"]}
{"quote":"“They call me Domino for obvious reasons. One nudge in the right direction and I'm flat on my stomach.”","author":"Charlie Cochrane,","tags":["funny","sex"]}
{"quote":"“There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.”","author":"Adam Rex,","tags":["funny","gross"]}
{"quote":"“I pick up Dylan. He certainly takes after his father: about three-quarters of his body weight seems to be head, and three-quarters of that is ears.”","author":"Ken Jennings,","tags":["ears","funny","head","ken-jennings"]}
{"quote":"“Outrageous!\" said Apalling.\"Apalling!\" said Outrageous.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["apalling","exclaimations","funny","outrageous"]}
{"quote":"“Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose”","author":"Julie Anne Peters,","tags":["funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.”","author":"Terry Pratchett,","tags":["business","funny","mob"]}
{"quote":"“It's not just the cheerleading thing I have a problem with, it's the whole jock enchilada. I'm all for a good game of basketball in teh driveway or a killer bike ride. But when there's tackling and grunting involved-- no thanks.”","author":"Linda Ellerbee,","tags":["funny","jocks","kid-s-books"]}
{"quote":"“What are those bulb things you're slicing?\"\"You've never seen fennel? It looks like celery and tastes like licorice.”","author":"Ken Jennings,","tags":["celery","fennel","funny","licorice","vegetable"]}
{"quote":"“Dana was what Steve called a \"silent partner\" in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't carry a business card, that his name didn't appear on the company letterhead, and he wanted nothing to do with the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency.”","author":"Mac Barnett,","tags":["detective","funny"]}
{"quote":"“So what do you think the physical effect was?\"Roman Laughed. \"Buddy,\" he said, \"she was tripping.”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["funny","humor","tripping"]}
{"quote":"“I've got a Don Baylor,\" J.T. said.\"California sucks this year.\"Ralph snickered. \"I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.”","author":"Jodi Picoult,","tags":["baseball","funny","humor","sports"]}
{"quote":"“Una buena mentira piadosa es con frecuencia mucho más excitante que una verdad. Es como si se pusiera a la verdad un vestido bonito.”","author":"Walter Moers,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“On the forest floor was the LVR's smoldering ceiling panel, just lying there like the lid of a sardine can that had been eagerly and violently thrown away by someone who very much liked sardines.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny","sardines"]}
{"quote":"“I helped with customers who raced through the front door in a mad search for the perfect gift. One that looked as if they'd put hours of thought into their choice. And yes, you're right. They were mostly men.\" -- Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched”","author":"Sammi Carter","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.”","author":"Eleanor Hallowell Abbott,","tags":["doughnuts","funny","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!”","author":"Taeko Watanabe","tags":["funny","hilarious","humor","kaze-hikaru","okita-souji","taeko-watanabe","tominiga-sei"]}
{"quote":"“Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as my arm. That’s like being f****d by a limb dude!” She wiggled her arm back and forth. “That's not normal.”","author":"Erin Jamison,","tags":["anatomy","funny","girlfriends","humor","men","sex","size","women"]}
{"quote":"“In sum,\" Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, \"Our defense will be...?\" He looked to Matt for the answer\/\"Blame the other guy,\" Matt said.\"Which other guy?\"\"Yes.\"\"Huh?\"\"We blame whoever we can,\" Matt said. \"The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled.\"\"Isn't that contradictory?\" Midlife asked, folding his hands and lowering his eyebrows. \"Claiming both malice and mistakes?\" He stopped, looked up, smiled, nodded. Malice and mistakes. Midlife liked the way that sounded.\"We're looking to confuse,\" Matt said. \"You blame enough people, nothing sticks. The jury end up knowing something went wrong but you don't know where to place the blame. We throw facts and figures at them. We bring up every possible mistake, every uncrossed t and dotted i. We act like discrepancy is a huge deal, even if it's not. We are skeptical of EVERYONE.”","author":"Harlan Coben","tags":["crime","funny","law"]}
{"quote":"“First draft blues:\"He tested the stick and glanced at the set handbrake. With his feet he felt the accelerator, the brake, the clutch. Backwards, but otherwise just the same, and comforting in a solid, mechanical way. It even smelled right, oil, petrol, lubricated warm metal, and the polished windshield seemed transparent in the night’s silver flood.”","author":"J. Gunnar Grey,","tags":["bloopers","first-draft","funny","rough-draft"]}
{"quote":"“Let's just stand still. Maybe whoever it is won't notice us. It's dark out anyway.\" Both boys knew it could just be someone from the local village but their hearts were starting to beat faster anyways. Who wound be out at this time of night? Suddenly, out from the darkness came a voice. \"I'll get you you mangy little....\" There was the sound of something flying through the air and then a plunk as it landed somewhere nearby. Lionel winced. The voice was female.”","author":"Sadie Gray","tags":["archery","funny","girl","hiding-things","lionel"]}
{"quote":"“I will call Guido if i need to”","author":"Amanda Stephan","tags":["amanda-stephan","funny","guido","humor","laughing"]}
{"quote":"“Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?’ I asked.‘You cannot take these flowers,’ said Zoran. ‘They belong to the government.”","author":"Doug MacLeod,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We walked on the moon. We made footprints somewhere no one else had ever made footprints, and unless someone comes and rubs them out, those footprints will be there forever because there’s no wind.”","author":"Frank Cottrell Boyce,","tags":["footprints","funny","moon"]}
{"quote":"“In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down!”","author":"Philip Roth,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Surely my lord will not hide his beautiful white legs!\" exclaimed Infadoos regretfully. But Good persisted, and once only did the Kukuana people get the chance of seeing his beautiful legs again. Good is a very modest man. Henceforward they had to satisfy their aesthetic longings with his one whisker, his transparent eye, and his movable teeth.”","author":"H.Rider Haggard,","tags":["funny","white-legs"]}
{"quote":"“Have I come at a bad time?\" she managed to say without guffawing. I believe I said something on the order of \"argh,\" and compounded my embarrassment by trying to cover myself with the sweatpants I'd picked up off the floor. ”","author":"Jeffrey Cohen,","tags":["elliott-freed","funny","leslie-levant"]}
{"quote":"“His accelerated path to yogihood hit a dead end when his kundalini exploded in a crowded department store. No one else was injured, but Swami caught an inflection which left him with a permanent East Indian accent.”","author":"Swami Beyondananda","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He studied with the guru of rock n’ roll, Baba Oom Mow Mow, who taught his own version of the Golden Rule: \"Do wop unto others as you would have them do wop unto you.”","author":"Swami Beyondananda","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published.”","author":"Jacques Barzun,","tags":["funny","publishing","scholarship","writing"]}
{"quote":"“But though it had prevailed against such fierce adversaries as fire and flood, it had fallen victim softly and swiftly to television in the 1960's.”","author":"Kate Morton,","tags":["funny","irony","technology","television","theatres"]}
{"quote":"“What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. \tI have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.”","author":"David Macaulay","tags":["funny","humor","inspirational"]}
{"quote":"“You are my flesh and blood and I have always doted on you, but right now I would have to say you deserve a haughty, ruined chit for your own and she deserves you.”","author":"Mary Balogh,","tags":["a-matter-of-class","funny","mary-balogh","mr-mason"]}
{"quote":"“boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin?”","author":"Frank","tags":["funny","gin","humor","nice"]}
{"quote":"“I'll get it,\" said Jough in his man-of-the-house voice, a full octave lower than his regular voice.”","author":"Cuthbert Soup,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“I can't go into a long explanation before company; but I couldn't help it, upon my honour.\"Upon your what?\" growled Sikes, with excessive disgust. \"Here! Cut me off a piece of that pie, one of you boys,to take the taste of that out of my mouth, or it'll choke me dead.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["dishonor","funny","honour"]}
{"quote":"“Why look'e, young gentleman,\" said Toby, \"when a man keeps himself so very ex-clusive as I have done, and by that means has a snug house over his head with nobody a-prying and smelling about it, it's rather a starling thing to have the honour of a wisit from a young gentleman (however respectable and pleasant a person he may be to play cards with at conweniency) circumstanced as you are.”","author":"Charles Dickens,","tags":["funny","inconvenient","irksome"]}
{"quote":"“Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.”","author":"Oliver Hassencamp","tags":["funny","humour","truth"]}
{"quote":"“Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.”","author":"Oliver Hassencamp","tags":["funny","humour","truth","wisdom"]}
{"quote":"“Drab?\" Soldier yelled. \"I'll give you drab. Beat her, would you? Beat my wife? I'll feed your head to the vultures, you snotty little hamster with your golden pelt and buttery looks!”","author":"Kim Hunter,","tags":["funny","kim-hunter","soldier","wizard-s-funeral"]}
{"quote":"“So close now, Alec could read the make on his wetsuit, see the individual grains of sand that dustedthe black material, the drops of water trembling on the points of his hair. Now or never. But Alec couldn‟t,couldn’t. Could he?He stood up. “Stop!” His mouth dried out as the surfer‟s dark, dark green eyes looked into his, startledand curious. Suddenly he felt an absolute fool. He was inviting a good kicking, at least. But damn it, a mancouldn‟t always be afraid.“Don‟t go past. Please. Sit down and drink with me. If you go past… If you go past, I think I‟ll die.”","author":"Alex Beecroft,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nana's French knickers were surely a symbol of liberty and abandonment, worn only by women who didn't care for conventional frills or superficial nametags. Those french knickers were flags blowing in the wind, like a statement of victory.”","author":"Diana Janney,","tags":["funny","harriet-rose"]}
{"quote":"“She smirked. 'I vaguely recall you boasting weeks ago that I would be the one to crawl into your bed. It seems like you did the crawling.'His lips twitched upward. 'It would seem so.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","boasting","cassian","chasing","crawling","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","sex"]}
{"quote":"“This is a bad idea.'Cassian winked. 'That should be written on the Night Court crest.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bad-idea","cassian","funny","motto","night-court","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Will I be OK?\" Krista gives a derisive laugh and swivels to face me. \"I've built up a business and I've turned off my mum's life-support machine and I've punched a shark in the face. I think I can cope with this.”","author":"Sophie Kinsella,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Nadia holds her small fist out in my direction. “Princesses fist bump.”","author":"Charleigh Frederick,","tags":["cute","fist-bump","funny","humor","princess","rule-25","spy","thriller","ya"]}
{"quote":"“Person a: Go to hell.Person b: Save me the seat beside you.”","author":"Renée Ahdieh,","tags":["funny","insult"]}
{"quote":"“I've been told the truth can hurt, [and] it must sting to know how much prettier I am than you.”","author":"Renée Ahdieh,","tags":["funny","insult"]}
{"quote":"“After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history.”","author":"Bits & Pieces","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“If you were to name a sword, what would you call it?'Gwyn answered, thought she hadn't been asked, 'Silver Majesty.'Emerie snorted, 'Really?'Gwyn demanded, 'What would you call it?'Emerie considered. 'Foe Slayer, or something. Something intimidating.''That's no better!'Nesta's mouth tugged upward at their teasing. Gwyn looked to her, teal eyes bright. 'Which one is worse: Foe Slayer or Silver Majesty?''Silver Majesty,' Nesta said, and Emerie crowed with triumph. Gwyn waved a hand, booing.'What would you call it?' Cassian asked Nesta again.'Why do you want to know?''Humour me.'She lifted a brow. But then said with all sincerity. 'Killer.'His brows flattened.Nesta shrugged. 'I don't know. Is it necessary to name a sword?''Just tell me: If you had to name a sword, what would you call it?''Are you getting her one as a Winter Solstice present?' Emerie asked.'No.'Nesta hid her smile. She loved this- when the three of them ganged up on him, like lionesses around a very muscled, very attractive carcass.'Then why keep asking?' Gwyn said.Cassian scowled, 'Curiosity.'But his jaw tightened. It wasn't that. There was something else. Why would he want her to name a sword?”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","emerie","funny","gwyn","gwyneth-berdara","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","swords"]}
{"quote":"“The Shake make the most extraordinary combs,’ Kindly said. ‘Turtleshell.’ ‘Impressive, sir.’ ‘Expensive purchases, but well worth it, I should judge.’ ‘Yes sir. Tried them yet?’ ‘Lieutenant, do you imagine that to be amusing?’ ‘Sir? No, of course not!’ ‘Because, as is readily apparent, Lieutenant, your commanding officer has very little hair.’ ‘If by that you mean on your head, then yes sir, that is, uh, apparent indeed.’ ‘Am I infested with lice, then, that I might need to use a comb elsewhere on my body, Lieutenant?’ ‘I wouldn’t know, sir. I mean, of course not.”","author":"Steven Erikson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The four guys were just staring at me—or Rome—their mouths a little unhinged.“Did she say that she set a building on fire?” Yael rasped.“And knocked someone out and stuffed them into a cupboard?” Aros, this time.“And set a bunch of panteras free.” Coen was scratching his head.“That’s my girl.” Siret was the only one who seemed pleased by my overload of information.“Rome is messing with us.” Yael was shaking his head. “This is too fucked-up.”“I’m not.” I tried to sound as convincing as possible, but Yael only shook his head and stepped closer to Rome, his fists clenched.“Cut this shit out right now,” he seethed, “or I’ll hit you so hard she’ll have to start calling you Crushed.”“That’s not very nice—” I started to say, but apparently Yael wasn’t in the mood for pacifications.He pulled his arm back and slammed it into the side of Rome’s face. I couldn’t feel the actual blow, but my vision swam to the side, and then suddenly I was staring at the sky—I hadn’t paid much attention to where we were, but the sky was bluer than blue, the clouds all happy and perfect. They were still in Topia.“You hit me!” I yelled at the sky, and it was almost humorous to hear Rome’s deep voice so full of feminine outrage.“Oh.” Yael sounded genuinely shocked. “It really is her. Rome just dropped like a bag of rocks.”“He’s still not moving,” Coen noted, his head appearing in my field of vision. “You okay in there, dweller-baby?”“He hit me!” I repeated.“I think she’s fine.” Yael’s head appeared beside Coen’s. “Rome’s head is too damn thick for any of the pain to reach her—right, Willa-toy?”“You still hit me!” This time, it was a growl, and Siret’s head popped up beside Yael’s.“You should get revenge,” he suggested helpfully. “You have so many muscles right now. You’re the God of Strength right now. The possibilities are endless.”“No they aren’t,” I said, “Rome is going to wake up soon. I don’t always black out for long. But you have a point.”I struggled to get back to my feet, but controlling Rome wasn’t so easy. His limbs were bigger than expected, and I accidently knocked over a low wooden table, up-ending a bowl of fruit and sending apples and oranges scattering over the marble floor. When I was finally standing, I focussed on Yael, and tried to swing a punch at him. Unfortunately, I miscalculated the distance to his face, and Rome’s fist connected with the pillar just to the right of Yael’s head. I watched in fascination as the stone cracked beneath Rome’s fist, caving in around his hand. I was so fascinated that I didn’t even realise I was stuck until I tried to pull his fist back again and it wouldn’t budge.“Well … this is awkward.” Yael was smirking, turned to the side so that he could see the fist I had embedded into the pillar.”","author":"Jane Washington,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“She'd selected a dagger and he'd grinned. Pointy end goes into your enemy.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","dagger","funny","joking","nesta","nesta-archeron","pointy","sarah-j-maas","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“Cassian smirked. 'She has two Illyrian warriors guarding her. What could go wrong?''Don't answer that,' Rhys said drily to his mate.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","dont-answer-that","funny","illyrian-warriors","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","what-could-go-wrong"]}
{"quote":"“Just don't go running after a beautiful white horse or a pretty-faced young man and you'll be fine.''And stay out of the water,' Azriel added solemnly.'What if the Mask is in the water?' She gestured to the vast bog. They'd fly over it, they'd decided, and let her sense whatever lay here.'Then Az and I will draw straws like the tough warriors we are and the loser goes in.'Azriel rolled his eyes, but chuckled. Cassian's grin at last glowed in his gaze as he opened his arms. 'Oorid's beauty awaits, my lady.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","brave-warriors","cassian","draw-straws","funny","kelpies","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“He was the kind of god you prayed to for making water wet and fire hot, or for keeping giants out of a land where nobody has seen a giant for a thousand years. He was good at the easy things.”","author":"Christopher Buehlman,","tags":["funny","gods","mocking"]}
{"quote":"“...three lotuses and two king’s heads complete with long-haired mustachioed King Kalith at his mustachiest”","author":"Christopher Buehlman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Men love a woman who doesn’t seem to give a damn, so long as she’s handsome. We also love a happy woman, so long as she’s fair, or a sad pretty one, or an angry girleen with a good face. You see how this works.”","author":"Christopher Buehlman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“She searched brown magic for any possible meaning besides juvenile scatology. Finding none, she closed her eyes and shook her head in disappointment.It wouldn’t be the last time.”","author":"Christopher Buehlman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“He who leaps at the moonInto cowshyte falls.Glory unto cowshyte!”","author":"Christopher Buehlman,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Considering that Nesta brushed off Helion's smouldering advances during the war, he might not be so inclined to help her.''He'll help,' Rhys said, stars shimmering in his gaze. 'If only for another shot at her.'Nesta rolled her eyes, and the gesture was so normal that Cassian's smile became more genuine, edged now with relief.You wear your heart for all to see, brother, Rhys said without turning Cassian's way.Cassian only shrugged. He was past caring.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","funny","helion","lust","nesta","nesta-archeron","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“All right. Let Lady Death get some rest.''That's not funny,' Nesta hissed.Cassian winked, even as the others tensed. 'I think it's catchy.Nesta glowered.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","catchy","funny","glowering","lady-death","nesta","nesta-archeron","not-funny","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Seeing Cassian so flustered pushed away the shadows in her heart. Thoughts of the Mask became a distant rumble. 'Do you want to get in?'He sucked in a breath, but something like pain washed over his features. 'You're hurt.'...'Do I look injured to you?'He nodded toward the scabbed cuts all over her body, her face. 'Yes?”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","funny","honest","hurt","injured","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","suggestive"]}
{"quote":"“Don’t take too much from her. We’re criminals, not bad people.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["bad-people","crime","criminals","funny","funny-quotes","good-people","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“It has been said that I write with some of the best reasoning to ever grace the all-encompassing page that is mankind. Who said that, you ask? I did, of course.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["author-brag","author-quotes","authors-on-writing","authorship","funny","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“This is the part where we should have exchanged glances (from what I had gathered from my limited literature recollection, it added dramatic flair), but I was too intrigued by the staircase, and where it led, to look anywhere else.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["drama","dramatic","dramatic-flair","dramatic-moment","funny","humourous","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“First time fucking driving and I fucking crash,” I muttered.\"Good thing is, it’s a minor dent,” piped the helpful back seat, “Mum probably won’t even notice it, her eyes as they are and all.” “Thanks man. Makes me feel good about myself, taking advantage of your blind mom.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["cars","driving","funny","funny-and-random","funny-humor","funny-quotes","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“Seriously man, shut it.” “Alright, alright. You’re the driver,” He raised his chip bag in toast, “My life is in your hands.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random","funny-book-quotes","funny-humor","funny-quotes","humourous-quote","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“Jay?” I was shaken out of my memory. I think my dignified response went something like “Mmfh?”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random","memory","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“Seatbelts?” I said. She clicked hers in. “Yes, old man.” “Hey, safety first.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["cars","driving","funny","funny-and-random","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“Let’s just pause there for a moment. Ever seen a movie where everything moves in slow motion during an action scene? As if, for the character, it actually feels that way? Gives them time to think, to act, to look cool. Take my situation, take what I just told you, and the exact opposite is true. It moved really fast. I did not think. I probably didn’t look very cool.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["action","action-movie","action-quotes","funny","funny-and-random","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“Marg muttered something under her breath. It was either “Who does he think he is?” or “I hope he has no kids.” Weird that I’d mix the two of those up.You’re right. It was probably the sec…first one. First one.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random","funny-humor","funny-quote","funny-quotes","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“He turned to me. “All he needs is you buddy.”I nodded, steeling myself. “Sometimes what you need is not what you should want.”A lopsided grin was my response. “You can philosophize, or you can come with me.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random","insightful","philosophy","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“You know, it’s crazy what a little perspective can do to your life. For example…cotton candy is not as great as everyone makes it out to be. It’s better.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["cotton-candy","funny","funny-and-random","funny-quotes","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“I was so caught up in my thoughts I did not notice the wire till I got caught up in it. Right. Of course. Tomato patch. Those poor fruits. Or vegetables. Those poor fruitables. Those poor veguits. I have too much time on my hands.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["fruit","fruit-quotes","fruits-and-vegetables","funny","funny-and-random","funny-quotes","the-community","tomato","vegetables"]}
{"quote":"“The Council requests your presence.”“Well I require breakfast.”","author":"Finn Eccleston,","tags":["funny","funny-and-random","priorities","priorities-quotes","priority-quotes","the-community"]}
{"quote":"“Tehol wiped sweat from his brow. ‘Give me some of that hen tea, will you?’ ‘With or without?’ ‘With or without what?’ ‘Feathers.’ ‘That depends. Are they clean feathers?’ ‘They are now,’ Bugg replied. ‘All right, then, since I can’t think of anything more absurd. With.’ Bugg reached for a clay cup. ‘I knew I could count on you, Master.”","author":"Steven Erikson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Helion, High Lord of the Day Court, arrived at the Hewn City the next afternoon on a flying horse.He'd wanted to enter the dark city in a golden chariot led by four snow-white horses with manes of golden fire, Rhys had told Cassian, but Rhys had forbidden the chariot and horses, and let Helion know that he could winnow in or not come at all.Hence the pegasus. Helion's idea of a compromise.Cassian had heard the rumours of Helion's rage pegasuses. Myth claimed his prized stallion had flown so high the sun had scorched him black, but beholding the beast now... Well, Cassian might have been envious, if he didn't have wings himself.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","compromise","funny","helion","pegasus","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","theatrical"]}
{"quote":"“Where's my beautiful Mor?'Az said tightly, 'Away.''Pity. She's far nicer to look at than either of you.'Cassian rolled his eyes.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","charmer","flirting","funny","helion","mor","nice-to-look-at","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Can you show Nesta how to ward it herself? Something perhaps with a bit more... oomph?''Oomph?' Rhys asked, lifting an eyebrow.'Oomph,' Feyre said, throwing him a glare. 'We can't all be silver-tongued like you.'Rhys winked. 'Good thing you benefit from it, Feyre darling.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","oomph","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","sexual-innuendo","silver-tongued"]}
{"quote":"“What are you thinking about?' Helion drawled as they approached a shut wooden door.Cassian straightened. He hadn't realised his thoughts had dragged such a scent from him. He grinned. 'Your mother.'Helion chuckled. 'I always forget how much I like you.''Happy to remind you.' Cassian winked.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","arousal","cassian","funny","helion","i-like-you","laughing","sarah-j-maas","thinking","your-mother"]}
{"quote":"“Found the rum, did you?’ Lutes said from behind her, ‘She’s poisoning her liver.’ ‘My liver’s fine, soldier. Just needs a squeezing out.’ ‘Squeezing out?’ She turned round and glared at the squad healer. ‘I seen livers before, Cutter. Big sponges full of blood. Tumbles out when you cut someone open.’ ‘Sounds more like a lung, Sergeant. The liver’s this flat thing, muddy brown or purple—”","author":"Steven Erikson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“We'll do the warm-up, and then we're moving into some core work.'She gaped. Her... core?'Abdominals,' he clarified, and pink washed across his face. He cleared his throat. 'Filthy mind.' He flicked her cheek. 'Too much smut.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","confusion","core","filthy-mind","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","smut"]}
{"quote":"“You're going to make me look like that?'His low laugh rippled over her body. 'No one can look like this but me, Nes.'Arrogant ass.'Rhysand and Azriel do,' she said sweetly.'I've got one or two muscles on them.''I don't see it.'He winked. 'Maybe they're in other places.'She couldn't help it. Couldn't stop it. Not the flash of desire, but the smile that overtook her face. She huffed a laugh.Cassian stared like he hadn't seen her before.His shock was enough that Nesta dropped her smile.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","cocky","funny","muscles","nesta","nesta-archeron","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them.”","author":"Lloyd Alexander,","tags":["adventure","chess","funny","goat","languages"]}
{"quote":"“I had no idea punching was so fraught with peril.''Apparently, it takes brains to be a brute.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","brains","brute","cassian","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","punching","sarah-j-maas","training"]}
{"quote":"“I can't be perfect every moment of every day, Nes.\" His eyes flickered”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cant-be-perfect","cassian","funny","joking","modest","nesta","nesta-archeron","perfect","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“So those abdominal exercises are useful beyond wanting to show off your muscles?'He threw her a wry grin. 'You really think this is just for show?''I think I've caught you looking at yourself in that mirror at least a dozen times each lesson.' Nesta nodded to the slender mirror across the ring.He chuckled. 'Liar. You use that mirror to watch me when you think I'm not paying attention.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","admiring","cassian","flirting","funny","muscles","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","watching"]}
{"quote":"“You're an arrogant bastard.''And you're a haughty witch. We're evenly matched.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","arrogant","bastard","cassian","evenly-matched","funny","haughty","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Did something happen that I, as your chaperone, should know about?”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","chaperone","funny","joking","sarah-j-maas","taunting","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“Junior huffed. \"The point is, this rope is even better! I call it Andskoti, the Adversary. It is woven with the most powerful paradoxes in the Nine Worlds Wi-Fi with no lag, a politician's sincerity, a printer that prints, healthy deep-fried food, and an interesting grammar lecture!\"\"Okay, yeah,\" I admitted. \"Those things don't exist.”","author":"Rick Riordan (Author),","tags":["funny","magnus-chase","rick-riordan"]}
{"quote":"“Cassian grinned and said to Azriel, 'We're going to be uncles.'Feyre groaned. 'Mother help this child.'Azriel's own grin bloomed at that, but Feyre's gaze slid to Nesta.Nesta said quietly to her sister, 'Congratulations.'For she'd said nothing, had only been able to stand and watch them all, their joy and closeness, as if she were looking in through a window.But Feyre offered her a tentative smile. 'Thank you. You'll be an aunt, you know.''Gods help this child indeed,' Cassian muttered, and Nesta glared at him.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","pregnant","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Also, I'm Malcolm.\" He smiled. \"So now I'm a stranger no more.\"\"I know Beyoncé's name,\" said Alby. \"And she's still a stranger to me.”","author":"Vita Luna,","tags":["béyonce","funny","humor","humorous","middle-grade","middle-grade-science-fiction"]}
{"quote":"“Turn a blind eye, chaperone.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","blind-eye","cassian","chaperone","funny","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“The disk, of Swiss manufacture, unfolded into a tent whose vast interior defied belief; Less was fascinated by its pockets, air vents, rain flies; its stitching, netting, and circular Guggenheim ceiling. But, like the Swiss, it was neutral; it did not love him back”","author":"Andrew Sean Greer,","tags":["character-description","funny","neutral","switzerland"]}
{"quote":"“You're drooling,' Cassian said to her, and Nesta went rigid.'If there was anything enticing,' she hissed, entering the ring, 'it was seeing Azriel punch your face.'Cassian motioned for her to get into her fighting stance. 'Keep telling yourself that, Nes.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","drooling","flirting","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“Stop looking so nervous,' Cassian muttered out of the corner of his mouth.'I'm not nervous,' Nesta muttered back, even as she bounced on her feet, trying not to stare toward the open archway as the clock ticked toward nine.'Just relax.' He straightened his jacket.'You're the one fidgeting,' she hissed.'Because you're making me fidget.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","cute","fidget","fidgeting","funny","nervous","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“I grew up in a country of over a billion people. The first uncomfortable question I asked my parents was not where children came from, but why were there so many of them.”","author":"Daksh Tyagi,","tags":["children","funny","india","observational","parenting","society"]}
{"quote":"“I have an appointment,' Nesta said, levelling a cool glance at him. She sniffed at the male. Her nose crinkled. 'And you seem to need an appointment with a bath.'He turned fully to her, muscled shoulders pushing back. Even with the glazed expression, ire boiled in his stare. 'Do you know who I am?''A drunk fool wasting my time,' Nesta said. Two Siphons- a blue darker than Azriel's- sat atop the backs of his large hands. 'Get out.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bellius","drunk-fool","funny","insults","looking-down-your-nose","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","time-waster"]}
{"quote":"“Do yourself a favour and get out.'Bellius rose to his full height, wings flaring. 'Or what?'Nesta picked at her nails. 'I don't think you want to find out the or what part.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bellius","challenging","funny","get-out","nesta","nesta-archeron","or-what","sarah-j-maas","threatening"]}
{"quote":"“I guess he's used to flexing his dick and getting what he wants. Mum's dick is more impressive.”","author":"Dot Hutchison,","tags":["feminism","funny","mom","moms","mothers","mum","women"]}
{"quote":"“Steps scuffed down the hall. A warning. From someone who knew how to remain silent....Cassian had just finished setting himself to rights when Azriel strode in.'Good evening,' his brother said with a grating level of calm, striding toward the table.'Az.' Cassian wasn't able to keep the bite out of his tone. He met his brother's too-aware stare and silently conveyed every bit of annoyance he felt at his timing. Azriel only shrugged, surveying the food the House had brought him. As if he knew exactly what he'd interrupted and took his chaperone duties very seriously.Nesta was watching them, but as soon as Cassian turned to her, she launched into movement, pushing off the table and aiming for the door. 'Good night.' She didn't wait for him to respond before she was gone.Cassian levelled a glare at Az. 'Thanks for that.''I don't know what you're talking about,' Az said, even as he smiled down at his food.'Asshole.'Az chuckled. 'Don't show your hand all at once, Cass.''What's that supposed to mean?'Az nodded toward the doorway. 'Save something for later.''Busybody.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","cock-blocked","funny","interrupted","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","the-audacity"]}
{"quote":"“Was this mark in the service of a magus?”“Yes.” She frowned. “My master, Warlord Grimore, does all he can to oppose the magus plague.”“Grimore, you say?” Troy’s gaze slid over to me. “I thought you called her companion.”“She is.”She tensed at Troy’s tone. “I misspoke. Grimore is my former master. Master Whispier is now my master.”“Companion,” I corrected. She lifted her face and met my gaze across the table. “You are my companion, and I am yours. We are equals in this bond.”The depths of her dark eyes flashed with sudden, intense emotion. Troy moved to speak, but I lifted my hand to stop him. “You wish to say something, Avril?”“There is nothing equal about our bond. I agreed to spend time in your presence. What have I received in return?”“Safety, security, food, rest—”“And no freedom.”“Hardly. You can come and go as you please. Just return by nightfall.” I purposefully picked up my glass with a careful movement. “I told you that you were free to do anything short of attacking me.”A biscuit bounced off my head with such force that it rebounded across the room and struck the far wall.”","author":"Elisa Rae,","tags":["companion","funny"]}
{"quote":"“I don't know what the two of you have been doing in this House, but it reeks of sex.Cassian snorted. A polite male never tells.Rhys's laughter rumbled in his mind. I don't think you know what the word polite means.Thanks the gods for that.His brother laughed again. I old Az playing chaperone would be useless.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","a-polite-male-never-tells","azriel","cassian","funny","polite","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","sex"]}
{"quote":"“CALVIN:I don't WANNA take a bath!I don't WANNA take a bath! You can't make me!CALVIN (As mom carries him to the tub):Aghh! Leggo! Leggo!!No No No No No No No!Put me down!CALVIN (Now in the tub):I wish I was dead!I hate you all! I hate everything. AARRGGHHH!MOM (Dripping wet. Talking to her husband.):Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the \"child within,\" I want to scream.”","author":"Bill Watterson,","tags":["bathing","child","funny","humor","inner-child","spirituality","spiuritual"]}
{"quote":"“I was hanging on his back like a monkey... but like in a hot, sexy monkey kind of way.\"Everyone cringed.”","author":"Maddox Auheim,","tags":["funny","gay-romance","humor","m-m-romance","mm-romance"]}
{"quote":"“You are the bestest! We can be friends now.\"\"We weren't before?\" I ask.\"I don't know what kind of friend would try to impale another friend. I mean, the deadly kind of impale, not the sexy kind.”","author":"Maddox Auheim,","tags":["funny","gay-romance","humor","mm-romance"]}
{"quote":"“Cassian slung an arm around Rhys's shoulders. 'Let's go get bloodied up.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bloodied","bloodied-up","cassian","funny","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“I have no interest in bedding a male who looks like he's been in a tavern brawl,' she said onto his lips.'We can dim the lights.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bedding","cassian","dim-the-lights","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","sex","wounded"]}
{"quote":"“My imps need no doors, sir, They go where I tell them. Through any crack, be it as narrow as a nun's or wide as your wife's.”","author":"A.K. Blakemore,","tags":["funny","hags","witches"]}
{"quote":"“Cassian said, 'I promise not to bite.'Nesta's upper lip curled back as she faced him. 'I suppose this was your idea-''It was,' he lied with a grin. 'We're going to have a wonderful time together.'They'd likely kill each other.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bite","cassian","funny","furious","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","wonderful-time"]}
{"quote":"“Azriel nodded at her. 'What happened to you?'She knew what he meant: the black eye that was finally fading. Her hands and chin had healed, along with the bruising on her body, but the black eye had turned greenish. By tomorrow morning, it'd be gone entirely. 'Nothing,' she said without looking at Cassian.'She fell down the stairs,' Cassian said, not looking at her, either.Azriel's silence was pointed before he asked, 'Did someone... push you?''Asshole,' Cassian growled.Nesta lifted her eyes from her plate enough to note the amusement in Azriel's gaze, even though no smile graced his sensuous mouth.Cassian went on, 'I told her earlier today: if she'd bother to train, she'd at least have bragging rights for the bruises.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","accusing","azriel","black-eye","cassian","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","what-happened"]}
{"quote":"“Mom and Dad could've done it,\" he said. \"They were grown-ups. We're just . . . tall children.”","author":"Grady Hendrix,","tags":["children","funny","grown-up","parents"]}
{"quote":"“Be on your guard.''You sound like you're afraid of her.''I am.'Cassian blinked.Rhys lifted a brow. 'Why do you think I sent you to get her this morning?'Cassian shook his head, unable to help his laugh.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","afraid","cassian","funny","laughing","nesta","nesta-archeron","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“You need to get out in the practice ring more, brother,' Cassian told him, surveying his friend's powerful body. 'Don't want that mate of yours to find any soft bits.''She never finds any soft bits when I'm around her,' Rhys said, and Cassian laughed again.'Is Feyre going to kick your ass for what you said earlier?''I already told the servants to clear out for the rest of the day as soon as you take Nesta up to the House.''I think the servants hear you fighting plenty.' Indeed, Feyre had no hesitation when it came to telling Rhys that he'd stepped out of line.Rhys threw him a wicked smile. 'It's not the fighting I don't want them hearing.'Cassian grinned right back, even as something like jealousy tugged on his gut. He didn't begrudge them their happiness- not at all. There were plenty of times when he'd seen the joy on Rhys's face and have to walk away to keep from weeping, because his brother had waited for that love, earned it. Rhys had gone to the mat again and again to fight for that future with Feyre. For this.But sometimes, Cassian saw that mating ring, and the portrait behind the desk, and this house, and just... wanted.The clock chimed ten thirty, and Cassian rose. 'Enjoy your not-fighting.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","feyre-archeron","funny","jealousy","longing","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","sexual-innuendo"]}
{"quote":"“You'll be staying in your old room.'As if she had any sort of claim on this place. On anywhere at all.He went on, 'My room's a level above that.''Why would I need to know that?' The words snapped out of her.He began walking toward the glass doors that led into the mountain's interior. 'In case you have a bad dream and need someone to read you a story,' he drawled, a half smile dancing on his face. 'Maybe one of those smutty books you like so much.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bedtime-story","cassian","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","sleeping-arrangements","smut","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“You have five minutes until we leave.'Nesta managed to step away. 'You're a brute.'He winked. 'Born and raised.'...'Don't ever put your hands on me again.''Noted.' His eyes still blazed.Her fingers curled once more. She selected her next words like throwing knives. 'If you think this training nonsense is going to result in your climbing into my bed, you're delusional.' She added with a slice of a smile. 'I'd rather let in a mangy street dog.''Oh, it's not going to result in me climbing into your bed.'Nesta snickered, victory achieved, and had reached the stairs when he crooned, 'You'll climb into mine.'She whirled toward him, foot still suspended midair. 'I'd rather not.'Cassian threw her a mocking smile. 'We'll see.'She fumbled for more of those sharp-edged words, for a sneer or a snarl, or anything, but his smile grew. 'You have three minutes to get ready now.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","flirting","funny","lust","nesta","nesta-archeron","sexual-tension","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“What's her business here?'Nesta gave him a secretive smile. 'Witchcraft.'She could have sworn Cassian muttered a plea to the Mother before he cut in.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","business","cassian","devlon","funny","humour","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","witchcraft"]}
{"quote":"“It was nice to meet you, Nesta. Feyre speaks highly of you.Nesta turned away. 'No one likes a liar, Priestess.'She could have sworn a breath of amusement fluttered from beneath the female's hood.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","clotho","funny","liar","nesta","nesta-archeron","nice-to-meet-you","priestess","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“A plate of food appeared, dumped unceremoniously onto the place mat. Even the House hated her.Nesta scowled at the red-stoned room. 'Wine.'None appeared. She lifted the glass before her. 'Wine.'Nothing. She tapped her nails on the table's smooth surface. 'Were you told to not give me wine?'Talking to a house: a new low.But as if in answer, the glass filled with water.Nesta snarled toward the open archway at her back. 'Funny.'...Nesta stood and aimed for the doorway. 'Keep your wine. I'll get my own.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","funny","house","magic","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","water","wine"]}
{"quote":"“Whatever it is you're doing, whatever it is you're looking into, I want in.''Why? And no.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","conspiring","eris","eris-vanserra","funny","i-want-in","no","plotting","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“So he'd waited. Counted the minutes.It had been worth it.Seeing her claw her way onto the landing, panting, hair curling with the sweat sliding down her face- completely worth his generally shit day.Nesta was still sprawled on the hall floor when she hissed, 'Whoever designed those stairs was a monster.''Would you believe that Rhys, Az, and I had to climb up and down them as punishment when we were boys?'Her eyes shimmered with temper- good. Better than the vacant ice.'Why?''Because we were young and stupid and testing boundaries with a High Lord who didn't understand practical jokes regarding public nudity.' He nodded toward the stairs. 'I got so dizzy on the hike down that I puked on Az. he then puked on Rhys, and Rhys puked all over himself. It was the height of summer, and by the time we made the trek back up, the heat was unbearable, we all reeked, and the scent of the vomit on the stairs had become horrific. We all puked again as we walked through it.'He could have sworn the corners of her mouth were trying to twitch upward.He didn't hold back his own grin at the memory. Even if they'd still had to hike back down and mop it all up.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","puking","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Cassian asked, 'What stair did you make it to?''One hundred eleven.' Nesta didn't rise.'Pathetic.'Her fingers pushed into the floor, but her body didn't move. 'This stupid House wouldn't give me wine.''I figured that would be the only motivator to make you risk ten thousand stairs.'Her fingers dug into the stone floor once more.He threw her a crooked smile, glad for the distraction. 'You can't get up, can you?'Her arms strained, elbows buckling. 'Go fly into a boulder.'Cassian pushed off the wall and reached her in three strides. He wrapped his hands under her arms and hauled her up.She scowled at him the entire time. Glared at him some more when she swayed and he gripped her tighter, keeping her upright.'I knew you were out of shape,' he observed, stepping away when she'd proved she wasn't about to collapse, 'but a hundred steps? Really?''Two hundred, counting the ones up,' she grumbled.'Still pathetic.'She straightened her spine and raised her chin.Keep reaching out your hand.Cassian shrugged, turning toward the hall and the stairwell that would take him up to his rooms. 'If you get tired of being weak as a mewling kitten, come to training.' He glanced over a shoulder. Nesta still panted, her face flushed and furious. 'And participate.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","amused","cassian","exhausted","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","out-of-shape","sarah-j-maas","stairs"]}
{"quote":"“Training is fantastic. Absolutely riveting.'Azriel's mouth curled up at the corner. 'I hope you're not giving my brother a hard time.'She set down her teacup. 'Is that a threat, Shadowsinger?'Cassian took a long drink from his own tea. Drained it to the dregs. Azriel said coolly, 'I don't need to resort to threats.' 'The shadows curled around him, snakes ready to strike.Nesta gave him a smile, holding his stare. 'Neither do I.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","funny","hard-time","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","sarcasm","threats"]}
{"quote":"“I want to train with him instead.'She could have sworn Cassian went still. Interesting.Azriel coughed into his tea.Cassian drummed his fingers on the table. 'I think you'll find that Az is even less forgiving that I am.''With that pretty face?' she crooned. 'I have a hard time believing that.'Azriel ducked his head, focusing on his food.'You want to train with Az,' Cassian said tightly. 'then go ahead.' He appeared thoughtful for a moment, his eyes lighting before he added, 'Though I doubt that you'll survive a lesson with him, when you can't manage to walk down a hundred stairs without being so sore the next morning that you're unable to get out of your chair.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","baiting","cassian","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","train","training"]}
{"quote":"“Doesn't count when you use your hands to do most of the work.'Nesta schooled her face into utter disdain, even as a hiss rose inside her. 'I bet that isn't what you've been telling yourself at night.'Azriel's shoulders shook with silent laughter as Cassian set down his fork, his eyes gleaming with challenge.Cassian's voice dropped an octave. 'Is that what those smutty books teach you? That it's only at night?'It took a heartbeat for the words to settle. And she couldn't stop it, the heat that sprang to her face, her glance at his powerful hands. Even with Azriel now biting his lip to keep from laughing, she couldn't stop herself.Cassian said with a wicked smile, 'It could be anytime- dawn's first light, or when I'm bathing, or even after a long, hard day of practice.'She didn't miss the slight emphasis he put on long, hard.Nesta couldn't stop her toes from curling in her boots. But she said with a silent smile, striding for the doorway, refusing to let one bit of the discomfort in her sore legs show, 'Sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands, Cassian.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","sex","sexual-tension","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“You two need a chaperone up here?'Yes. No. Yes. 'I thought you were the chaperone.'Az threw him a wicked smile. 'I'm not entirely sure I'm enough.'Cassian flipped him off.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","azriel","cassian","chaperone","flipping-off","funny","sarah-j-maas","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“The same bowl of pork-and-bean soup appeared on the table.She peered at the distant ceiling. 'I said I'm not hungry.'A spoon appeared alongside the bowl. And a napkin.'This is absolutely none of your business.'A glass of water thudded down next to the soup.Nesta crossed her arms, leaning back in the chair.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","food","funny","house","insistent","magic","nesta","nesta-archeron","not-hungry","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“She'd already conversed with one stranger today, fulfilling her quota for basic decency. Being kind to a second one was beyond her.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","beyond-her","conversed","decency","funny","gwyn","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","stranger"]}
{"quote":"“Nesta ate until she couldn't fit another morsel into her body, helping herself to thirds of the soup. The House seemed more than happy to oblige her, and had even offered her a slice of double-chocolate cake to finish.'Is this Cassian-approved?' She picked up the fork and smiled at the moist, gleaming cake.'It certainly isn't,' he said from the doorway, and Nesta whirled, scowling. He nodded toward the cake. 'But eat up.'She put down the fork. 'What do you want?'Cassian surveyed the family library. 'Why are you eating in here?''Isn't it obvious?'His grin was a slash of white. 'The only thing that's obvious is that you're talking to yourself.''I'm talking to the House. Which is a considerable step up from talking to you.''It doesn't talk back.''Exactly.'He snorted. 'I walked into that one.' He stalked across the room, eyeing the cake she still didn't touch. 'Are you really... talking to the House?''Don't you talk to it?''No.''It listens to me,' she insisted. 'Of course it does. It's enchanted.''It even brought food down to the library unasked.'His brows rose. 'Why?''I don't know how your faerie magic works.''Did you... do anything to make it act that way?''If you're taking a page from Devlon's book and asking if I did any witchcraft, the answer is no.'Cassian chuckled. 'That's not what I meant, but fine. The House likes you. Congratulations.' She growled, and he leaned over to pick up the fork. She went stiff at his closeness, but he said nothing as he took a bite of the cake. He let out a hum of pleasure that traveled along her bones. And then took another bite.'That's supposed to be mine,' she groused, peering up at him as he continued to eat.'Then take it from me,' he said.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","chocolate-cake","funny","house","magic","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","teasing"]}
{"quote":"“So, who won the fight?' Cassian asked the next morning as she sat on her rock and watched him go through his exercises.He hadn't asked at breakfast about the black eye and cut chin or how stiffly she'd moved. Neither had Mor upon her arrival. That the bruising and cuts remained at all told Nesta how bad the fall had been, but as High Fae, with her improved healing, they were already on the mend....'What fight?' She examined her mangled nails. Even with the... whatever it was she'd flung out to catch herself, her nails had cracked. She didn't let herself name what had come from within her, didn't let herself acknowledge it. By dawn, it had been strangled into submission.'The one between you and the stairs.'Nesta cut him a glare. 'I don't know what you're talking about.'Cassian began moving once more, drawing his sword and running through a series of movements that all seemed designed to hack a person in two. 'You know: three in the morning, you leave your room to get shit-faced drunk in town, and you're in such a rush to conquer the steps that you fall down a good thirty of them before you can stop yourself.'Had he seen the step? The handprint?She demanded. 'How do you know that?'He shrugged.'Are you watching me?' Before he could answer, she spat. 'You were watching and didn't come to help?'Cassian shrugged again. 'You stopped falling. If you'd kept at it, someone would have eventually come to catch you before you hit the bottom.'She hissed at him.He only grinned and beckoned with a hand. 'Want to join me?''I should push you down those stairs.'...'Well?' he demanded, an edge creeping into his voice. 'If you've got those glorious bruises, you might as well claim it came from training and not a pathetic tumble.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bruises","cassian","fall","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","the-audacity","training"]}
{"quote":"“Politicians are like child services, he thinks. Ultimately useful, but a pain in the ass all the way there.”","author":"Dot Hutchinson","tags":["funny","humor","politicians","politics"]}
{"quote":"“There should be Oscars for real life, and we should give them to all the people who are still married.”","author":"Hannah Moskowitz,","tags":["divorce","funny","humor","marriage"]}
{"quote":"“Nice clean cut,\" Santos said, and Louise almost said thank you but managed to stop herself.”","author":"Grady Hendrix,","tags":["dark-humor","funny"]}
{"quote":"“Stop scratching,' Rhys said without looking at him as they strode through a blooming apple orchard. No wings to be seen today.Cassian lowered his hands from his chest. 'I can't help it if this place makes my skin crawl.'Rhys snorted, gesturing to one of the blooming trees above them, petals falling thick as snow. 'The feared general, felled by seasonal allergies.Cassian gave an unnecessarily loud sniffle, earning a full chuckle from Rhys.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","allergies","cassian","funny","hay-fever","pollen","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","spring"]}
{"quote":"“The House had dinner waiting on her desk, along with a book. Apparently, it had noted her request for a book the other day and deemed The Great War too dull. The title of this one was suitably smutty. 'I didn't know you had dirty taste,' Nesta said wryly.The House only responded by running a bath.'Dinner, bath, and a book,' Nesta said aloud, shaking her head in something close to awe. 'It's perfect. Thank you.'The House said nothing, but when she stepped into her bathroom, she found that it wasn't an ordinary bath. The House had added an assortment of oils that smelled of rosemary and lavender. She breathed in the heady, beautiful scent and sighed.'I think you might be my only friend,' Nesta said, then groaned her way into the tub's welcoming warmth.The House was apparently so pleased by her words that as soon as she lay back, a tray appeared across the width of the tub. Laden with a massive piece of chocolate cake.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","bath","dinner","funny","house","magic","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","smutty"]}
{"quote":"“Kalam knelt beside Quick Ben, studied the man’s face for a moment, the slack expression, the closed eyes. Then he slapped the wizard. Hard. Quick Ben swore, then glared up at the assassin. ‘I should crush you like a bug, Kalam.’ ‘Right now, I think,’ he rumbled in reply, ‘a bug’s fart might blow you right off this ship, Quick.”","author":"Steven Erikson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“The House had a taste for romance novels. Nesta stayed up later than she should have to finish the one it had left the day before, and when she returned to her room that evening, another was waiting.'Don't tell me you somehow read these?' She leafed through the volume on her nightstand.In answer, two more books thumped on the surface. Each one utterly filthy.Nesta let out a small chuckle. 'It must get awfully dull up here.'A third book plopped atop the others.Nesta laughed again, a rusty, hoarse sound. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed. A true, belly-deep laugh.Maybe before her mother had died. She'd certainly had nothing to laugh about once they'd fallen into poverty.Nesta nodded toward the desk. 'No dinner tonight?'Her bedroom door only swung open to reveal the dimly lit hallway.'I've had enough of him for one day.' She'd barely been able to speak to Cassian for the rest of their lesson, unable to stop thinking of how he'd put up a wall without her so much as saying a word, anticipating that she would go after him, assuming that she was so awful she couldn't have a normal conversation. That she'd mock him about his mother and their pain.'I'd rather stay here.'The door opened wider.Nesta sighed. Her stomach ached with hunger. 'You're as much a busybody as the rest of them,' she muttered, and aimed for the dining room.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","busybody","cassian","funny","house","magic","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","smut"]}
{"quote":"“How was the library?' he asked as she claimed the seat across from him.'Nothing tried to eat me today, so it was fine.'...He'd gone still, though. 'Something tried to eat you on another day?''Well, it didn't get close enough to try, but that was the general impression I received.'He blinked, his Siphons glowing. 'Tell me.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","concern","eat","funny","hunted","library","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“The book,' Nesta said, a bit breathlessly, 'is about...' Her nostrils flared and her eyes went a bit unfocused. 'A book.''Interesting,' Cassian murmured. 'Sounds great.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","awkward-conversations","book","cassian","distracted","funny","nesta","nesta-archeron","sarah-j-maas","sexual-tension"]}
{"quote":"“Just so you're aware,' Mor chirped from the other side, 'We do have to go soon.'...'We have thirty minutes,' he said with remarkable smoothness.'And it takes you two hours to get dressed,' Mor quipped through the door. A sly pause. 'And I'm not talking about Feyre.'...'Go terrorise someone else,' he called to Mor, rolling his neck as his wings vanished and he stalked for the bathing room. 'I need to primp.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","mor","primp","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","the-morrigan"]}
{"quote":"“Emerie had drifted a few feet away, her back straight, chin upraised.He'd seen Nesta in this particular pose, too. He called it her I Will Slay My Enemies post.Cassian had named about two dozen poses for Nesta at this point. Ranging from I Will Eat Your Eyes for Breakfast to I Don't Want Cassian to Know I'm Reading Smut. The latter was his particular favourite.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","cassian","chin-up","emerie","funny","hilarious","nesta","nesta-archeron","poses","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“I don't know if I can do this.Rhys went quiet for a moment. Do you want me to come with you?To paint?I'd be an excellent nude model.I smiled, not caring that I was by myself in the street with countless people streaming past me. My hood concealed most of my face, anyway. You'll forgive me if I don't feel like sharing the glory that is you with anyone else.Perhaps I'll model for you later, then. A sensuous brush down the bond that had my blood heating. It's been a while since we had paint involved.The cabin and kitchen table flashed into my mind, and my mouth went a bit dry. Rogue.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","chapter-55","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","nude-model","painting","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“We tested him—he’s innocent.”“They tied me to a bed,” James said”","author":"Cassandra Clare,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“What the hell is that?'Cassian was grinning that next evening as he waved a hand toward the pile of pine boughs dumped on the ornate red rug in the centre of the foyer. 'Solstice decorations. Straight from the market.'Snow clung to his broad shoulders and dark hair, and his tan cheeks were flushed with cold. 'You call that a decoration?He smirked. 'A heap of pine in the middle of the floor is Night Court tradition.'I crossed my arms. 'Funny.''I'm serious.' I glared, and he laughed. 'It's for the mantels, the banister, and whatever else, smartass. Want to help?' He shrugged off his heavy coat, revealing a black jacket and shirt beneath, and hung it in the hall closet. I remained where I was and tapped my foot.'What?' he said, brows rising. It was rare to see Cassian in anything but his Illyrian leathers, but the clothes, while not as fine as anything Rhys or Mor usually favoured, suited him.'Dumping a bunch of trees at my feet is really how you say hello these days? A little time in that Illyrian camp and you forget all your manners.'Cassian was on me in a second, hoisting me off the ground to twirl me until I was going to be sick. I beat at his chest, cursing at him.Cassian set me down at last. 'What did you get me for Solstice?'I smacked his arm. 'A heaping pile of shut the hell up.' He laughed again, and I winked at him. 'Hot cocoa or wine?'Cassian curved a wing around me, turning us toward the cellar door. 'How many good bottles does little Rhysie have left?”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","cassian","festive","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","hugging","joking","sarah-j-maas","solstice"]}
{"quote":"“Azriel straightened a sagging section of garland over the windowsill. 'It's almost like you two tried to make it as ugly as possible.'Cassian clutched at his heart. 'We take offense to that.'Azriel sighed at the ceiling.'Poor Az,' I said, pouring myself another glass. 'Wine will make you feel better.'He glared at me, then the bottle, then Cassian... and finally stormed across the room, took the bottle from my hand, and chugged the rest. Cassian grinned with delight.Mostly because Rhys drawled from the doorway, 'Well, at least now I know who's drinking all my good wine. Want another one, Az?'Azriel nearly spewed the wine into the fire, but maybe himself swallow and turn, red-faced, to Rhys. 'I would like to explain-'Rhys laughed, the rich sound bouncing off the carved oak moldings of the room. 'Five centuries, and you think I don't know that if my wine's gone, Cassian's usually behind it?'Cassian raised his glass in a salute.Rhys surveyed the room and chuckled. 'I can tell exactly which ones you two did, and which ones Azriel tried to fix before I got here.' Azriel was indeed now rubbing his temple. Rhys lifted a brow at me. 'I expected better from an artist.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","azriel","cassian","drinking","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“You look like an angry snowball.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","amren","angry","angry-snowball","cassian","funny","sarah-j-maas","snowball"]}
{"quote":"“Are you just going to hold that chicken all night?' Cassian asked me from the table.Scowling, I stomped towards him, plunking the platter onto the wooden surface. 'I spat in it,' I said sweetly.'Makes it all the more delicious,' Cassian crooned, smiling right back.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","cassian","delicious","feyre","feyre-archeron","friends","funny","joking","sarah-j-maas","spat"]}
{"quote":"“Azriel straightened a sagging section of garland over the windowsill. 'It's almost like you two tried to make it as ugly as possible.'Cassian clutched at his heart. 'We take offense to that.'Azriel sighed at the ceiling.'Poor Az,' I said, pouring myself another glass. 'Wine will make you feel better.'He glared at me, then the bottle, then Cassian... and finally stormed across the room, took the bottle from my hand, and chugged the rest. Cassian grinned with delight.Mostly because Rhys drawled from the doorway, 'Well, at least now I know who's drinking all my good wine. Want another one, Az?'Azriel nearly spewed the wine into the fire, but made himself swallow and turn, red-faced, to Rhys. 'I would like to explain-'Rhys laughed, the rich sound bouncing off the carved oak moldings of the room. 'Five centuries, and you think I don't know that if my wine's gone, Cassian's usually behind it?'Cassian raised his glass in a salute.Rhys surveyed the room and chuckled. 'I can tell exactly which ones you two did, and which ones Azriel tried to fix before I got here.' Azriel was indeed now rubbing his temple. Rhys lifted a brow at me. 'I expected better from an artist.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","azriel","cassian","drinking","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“It’s a fact that men don’t need words, but women do. We have penises, after all. Who needs words when you have a penis? Whereas with women there are two breasts, which invites conversation, just as a good behind presents perfect punctuation, something every man knows . What’s wrong with the world? You ask a man and he says, ‘Don’t ask.’ Ask a woman and you’ll be dead of old age before she’s finished. Hah. Hah ha.”","author":"Steven Erikson,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“Pick on someone your own size, 'Cassian said to Amren, shoveling roast chicken into his mouth.'I'd feel bad for the mice,' Azriel muttered.Mor and Cassian howled...”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","amren","azriel","cassian","funny","howling","mice","mor","pick-on-someone-your-own-size","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Rhys kissed my brow. 'If someone propositions you, tell them we'll both be free in an hour.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","propositions","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","sexual-humour","threesome"]}
{"quote":"“What did you get Feyre?'I slid my hands into my pockets. 'This and that.''So, nothing.'I dragged a hand through my hair. 'Nothing. Any ideas?”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","funny","gifts","mor","nothing","presents","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","the-morrigan"]}
{"quote":"“I'm not afraid of them.''I know you're not.''I just- being near them, together...' She shoved her hands into her pockets. 'It's probably what it feels like for you to be around Tamlin.''If it's any consolation, cousin, I behaved rather poorly the other day.''Is he dead?''No.''Then I'd say you controlled yourself admirably.'I laughed. 'Bloodthirsty of you, Mor.'She shrugged, again watching the river. 'He deserves it.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","assault-survivor","funny","mor","not-afraid","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","tamlin","the-morrigan"]}
{"quote":"“A jigsaw puzzle?'Amren fitted a tiny piece into the section she'd been working on. 'Am I supposed to be doing something else during my Solstice holiday?”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","amren","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","jigsaw","jigsaw-puzzle","sarah-j-maas","solstice"]}
{"quote":"“Good for the mind, but bad for the posture.''Good thing you have Varian to exercise with.'Amren laughed, the sound like a crow's caw. 'Good thing indeed.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","amren","exercise","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","posture","sarah-j-maas","sex","varian"]}
{"quote":"“You brought weapons to Solstice?' I asked, leaning against the door frame....Cassian shrugged, plopping onto the bed, which was better suited to a child than an Illyrian warrior. 'Some might be gifts.''And the rest?'Cassian toed off his boots and leaned against the headboard, folding his arms behind his head as his wings draped to the floor. 'The females bring their jewelry. I bring my weapons.''I know a few females in this house who might take offense to that.'Cassian offered me a wicked grin in response.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","cassian","funny","illyrian-warriors","jewelry","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","solstice","weapons"]}
{"quote":"“Jace was weak as he watched Devon get rejected throughout the night. He saw drinks damn near get tossed on dude, and he even got threatened a few times. Jace sat there on some chill shit though, sippin' and observing all the other fucked-upness going on around him. To his right were three fat chicks, all busting out their cheap outfits. To his left was a lame that looked like he was searching for Wi-Fi, probably so he could get on IG. Straight ahead was a table of rundown bitches in a huddle, sharing one drink between 'em, snapping pictures. And peppered throughout VIP were the dl dudes that were giving him just as much rhythm as the girls were. Ewww!”","author":"Nick Haskins,","tags":["club-scene","clubs","funny","hookups","nightclub","single"]}
{"quote":"“A present. Wrapped in black crepe paper and tied with silver thread. And beside it, smiling down at me, was Rhys.He'd propped his head on a fist, his wings draped across the bed behind him. 'Happy birthday, Feyre darling.'I groaned. 'How are you smiling after all that wine?''I didn't have a whole bottle to myself, that's how.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","birthday","feyre","feyre-archeron","feyre-darling","funny","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","wine"]}
{"quote":"“I want to draw you,' I said. 'As my birthday present to me.'His smile was positively feline.I added, flipping open my sketchbook and turning to the first page, 'You said once that nude would be best.'Rhys's eyes glowed, and a whisper of his power through the room had the curtains parting, flooding the space with midmorning sunshine. Showing every glorious naked inch of him sprawled across the bed, illuminating the faint reds and golds of his wings. 'Do your worst, Cursebreaker.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","cheesy","draw","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","nude","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“Please bring him back in one piece.''We'll take good care of him,' Cassian promised, wicked humour in his eyes.Even Azriel was still grinning as he said, 'If he can keep up.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","azriel","cassian","feyre","feyre-archeron","funny","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","take-good-care"]}
{"quote":"“They're having a snowball fight.'Another nod.'Three Illyrian warriors,' I said. 'The greatest Illyrian warriors. Are having a snowball fight.'Mor's eyes practically glowed with wicked delight. 'Since they were children.''They're over five hundred years old.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","azriel","cassian","feyre-archeron","funny","mor","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","snowball-fight"]}
{"quote":"“It's bad form to be at attention while in the birchin.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","at-attention","bad-form","birchin","erection","funny","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","turned-on"]}
{"quote":"“Az, this one's for you.'The shadowsinger's brows lifted, but his scarred hand extended to take the present.Elain turned from where she'd been spreaking to Nesta. 'Oh, that's from me.'Azriel's face didn't so much as shift at the words. Not even a smile as he opened the present and revealed-'I had Madja make it for me,' Elain explained. Azriel's brows narrowed at the mention of the family's preferred healer. 'It's a powder to mix in with any drink.'Silence.Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly. 'It's for the headaches everyone always gives you. Since you rub your temples so often.'Silence again.Then Azriel tipped his head back and laughed.I'd never heard such a sound, deep and joyous. Cassian and Rhys joined him, the former grabbing the bottle from Azriel's hand and examining it. 'Brilliant, 'Cassian said.Elain smiled again, ducking her head.Azriel mastered himself enough to say, 'Thank you.' I'd never seen his hazel eyes so bright, the hues of green amid the brown and grey like veins of emerald. 'This will be invaluable.''Prick, ' Cassian said, but laughed again.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","azriel","cassian","elain","elain-archeron","funny","gift","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas"]}
{"quote":"“I don’t know!”“Tell me or I will not complete your customer service survey.”Pete gasped.”","author":"Rick Riordan,","tags":["funny"]}
{"quote":"“An atomic bomb went off in my chest. My vision of a calm summer, page-flipping in thebackyard disintegrated. Camp. Tons of people. Cheesy team building. With tons of people.-Andy and the Extroverts”","author":"Jessica K. Foster","tags":["beach-read","coming-of-age","fish-out-of-water","friendship","funny","romance","sarcasm","summer-camp","teen-fiction","young-adult"]}
{"quote":"“A great elk lay dead on the long worktable in the centre of the dark space, the arrow through its throat illumined by the watery light leaking through the small windows. Blood pooled on the grey stone floor, its drip the only sound.The only sound as Tamlin sat in a chair before it. Staring at the felled beast.'Your dinner is leaking,' I told him by way of greeting, nodding toward the mess gathering on the floor.No reply. The High Lord of Spring didn't so much as up at me.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","depressed","elk","funny","rhys","rhysand","sad","sarah-j-maas","tamlin","unresponsive"]}
{"quote":"“Accidents happen in the Rite, I'd only suggested when Cass's face had tightened with the news.We won't dishonour the Rite by tampering with it, was his only reply.Accidents happen in the skies all the time, then, Azriel had coolly countered.If the whelp wants to bust my balls, he can grow a pair himself and do it to my face, Cassian had growled, and that was that.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-frost-and-starlight","accidents","azriel","cassian","funny","implied-murder","rhys","rhysand","sarah-j-maas","the-blood-rite"]}
{"quote":"“In spring, when his allergy to pollen became unbearable, he would cover his face with a gas mask (the British government had distributed them throughout the population at the start of the war), sowing panic among those who saw him pass and imagined an attack was imminent.”","author":"Benjamín Labatut,","tags":["alan-turing","dark-humor","funny","history","humor"]}
{"quote":"“Go perch on a chimney.”","author":"Sarah J. Maas,","tags":["a-court-of-silver-flames","cassian","chimney","funny","insult","nesta","nesta-archeron","perch","retort","sarah-j-maas"]}